I am ever growing and changing every day in my life. Some days are better than others. I like to live honestly these days so I don't keep secrets even when I probably should. My inner thoughts can at times be like watching a wrestling match between the old man who refuses to lie down for the count and the new woman who wants to ring that bell for victory.
There are regular match ups daily and yesterday it was the actions of another who caused my most recent mental gymnastic event. You see I like to find quiet time during my breaks while I am at work. There is a mezzanine with some chairs that are generally peaceful throughout the day and this day was no exception. I had pulled out some reading and was enjoying the thoughts on the page. A young lady came to sit on a couch opposite from me and pulled out her cell phone.
On a side note I think anyone who is allowed to purchase one of these phones should have to automatically enroll in a brief "cell phone etiquette" class. For every five persons who know how to use a cell phone quietly there is that one person who wields it like a verbal weapon. They are virtually tone deaf for the volume level at which they speak.
This particular young lady was one of these latter persons. Oblivious to the fact her conversation was virtually a shouting match and her voice was ringing throughout the mezzanine. Within mere moments it became apparent this was not to be a quick call and my quiet time was to be eaten up by the voice of irritation. And then it happened….
The match was over quickly in the physical sense but then the aftermath continued to bother me so it wasn't a clean match at all. The old man liked to get some more licks in by filling my head with the pictures of how fun it would've been to give in to old impulses. It was time to move on.
Growth and change come at a price. I have to choose when to move on no matter how comfortable I may have been in the place I was at. Recognizing wrong thoughts no matter how amusing is a part of that change. I am grateful for grace that helps me to change daily. The next time I see that phone lady I will remember to pray for her to grow as well.
My commute each morning is about 20-30 minutes and a touch longer if there is a jumble on the freeway. This gives me plenty of "thinking" time. I am sure each of you have your own variety of thoughts but let me just ask this one question…..where is the other shoe? Did you ever notice there is always a lonely shoe laying in the road somewhere? I can understand the small sizes as being the aftermath of a petulant child tossing his sneaker out the window in a fit of anger at mom or dad but the adult sized shoe just spins my head. Who loses their shoe on the freeway? It's not like there are pedestrian crosswalks and someone just stepped out of their kicks. A petulant adult? Fine, but why not throw them both out the window and let someone play Frogger trying to collect that pair?
So what is it you think about on your commute?
My friends are eclectic for sure. In this moment I will have to keep their identities private, however I suspect as time goes on they will let me bust each of them out eventually. For now it's enough that I share the uniqueness of having them in my life.
My best friend of course I tell all my tales to and we all know him as "husband unit". Ssshhhh…..don't tell anyone, but his name is Bobby. He is my least kept secret of course and holds me in the palm of his hand with the softest leash made under the sun. My Father knew I would kick and buck to death any who would try to tame me with a tight reign and so I married this man after the heart of Hosea. I didn't appreciate the reality of that until some unnamed benefactor blessed me with a book I kept putting down in agitation while reading it.
My mentors are chicks whom I didn't choose but instead they chose me and drew me in under the guise of a "dinner and a movie"! Of course I actually thought this would be "going out to a dinner and watching a movie", I was very much mislead into a life-changing way of making friends. These "chicks" have since taught me what it means to be a friend and a woman of faith through all manner of laughter, tears and challenges. The wisdom poured out over me is a refreshing drink from a pool I continually long to swim in.
A more unique relationship is quite special and yet she knows not the respect I have for her. She has the most humble nature I have ever met. She is also one whom I could feel most comfortable to be around and be most uncomfortable to be with. She looks at me and I feel as though she is staring into my very soul. Her gifts are beyond my understanding and when I stand near her I feel like I am in the presence of one touched by holiness.
My greatest anchor is one who keeps me near reality and precious memories I thought would be too painful to remember. Instead they ground me in a place of learning and growing. Where I once thought I would leave behind who I was, instead I hold onto that rocky place so I can use it for a jumping off place into my true destiny.
There are so many people touching my life I want to write about all of them but this posting would go on for pages. Recalling days when I counted but few on my fingers for friends these are days of plenty.
My life has grown into something special beyond myself. I desire to sow and sow some more so that I may see what grows. Yes, in the shallow heart of myself it would be so I would see what may come but in the depths beyond what I can see, I long for my seeds to take great roots like those woods which grow tall and need a deep drink of water, living thousands of years.
My desire is not to brag of multiple friends but rather to share the changed life I exchanged. One from limited relationships with those who only wanted to use me to now having relationships that inspire me. Knowing only my friends are reading this today, I thank my Lord for all of you because I know that without Him I would not have known any of you.
Attitude in any given situation colors my world. Will it stink or will I choose to be okay? Well yesterday was tax day and since we owed the IRS a chunk of funds I would have to say my attitude could have been more but my confession is that at times overcoming a state of agitation can be a real chore. Sometimes it's just easier to wallow in my irritation than choose to put that smile back in my heart.
I went home to write out the bills and determined that I would not let defeat overcome my heart. Since I was alone I couldn't prod my husband unit into being my cheerleader, nope this time I was left to my own resources. The previous night someone had told me "the Lord is all around us and we are never alone". Those words kept coming to mind so I found a song on my computer that sang those very words of reassurance. I set it to play over and over while I started to balance our books.
By the time I was done paying everything and making out that fat check for the IRS I was feeling pretty good. I smile writing this as no one ever feels good about giving money to the IRS but somewhere in listening to that music it sunk in about never being alone and the peace returned. Again, money didn't matter. It will come and it will go. Today I was happy to have enough money for groceries and gas to get to work for the week. Peace out!
My son is responsible for pushing me where I needed to go next. It was time to move into the world beyond emailing my loving family and friends. They were deleting me anyway so this was inevitable! I have a destiny and it is beyond what I am capable of accomplishing on my own talents. I have a visual picture in my head I have had for quite a long time. I will describe for you how it first looked. I stood at the edge of a cliff and holding my arms out from my body on either side of me like a cross I simply fell backwards into what I visualized to be a set of hands cupped in anticipation of catching me. That vision has since changed. My surrender is one of boldness. I now see myself as running face first toward the edge of the cliff and thrusting myself full body into the great unknown. I no longer look for the cupped hands, I simply know they are there.