UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL 3 : GRIEVING – WELCOME TO VENTURA'S MIND !
By now you have walked a bit with me in this journey called life.
You have caught a glimpse of what is to be in my shoes and others who have been through experiences similar to mine.
In one way or another you have reached out to me through a phone call, a text message and even personal visitations. For some, well, I could feel that it has been a tad bit too difficult for you to get to this girl because of one eason or another. It's very understandble imagine. Believe it or not even myself if someone close to me is to go through this I would really have a hard time figuring out what to do to make them feel better.
All that said here are some important points that I have learnt and I hope that you learn too so that you are in a better position to understand soemeone.
Now now now. This had to be my first point because of many reasons.
First of all crying is a healthy way to empty yourself of strong emotions.
My experience with this has differed with people. Some would think that being strong means no crying. I findthid absolutely unfair!
Imagine having to force someone for the entire mourning period to bottle up all the grief and sadness in the name of being strong! Having to require this person watch others cry and have them push back their tears in the name of strength.
Don't do that please. You will be killing them inside!
"You're the first born and now they look up to you and if they see you crying they will….."This has to be one of the lines that I have now come to hate the most.
I felt as though I was being stripped of my chance to be angry! To be sad! To feel!
You see when comforting someone sometimes it's better to just be there and give them a hug. They'll remember that you showed up. Trust me .Rather than try and make them feel that what they are going through is not as big as they think.
"It could have been worse" is not a comforting phrase. Don't tell someone that they're lucky they are a bit older, others have been left at much tender years. Especially so if you have not lost a loved one like they have.
Loss doesn't become more bearable with advancement in age! You are never experienced when it comes to it! Just because someone lost a father earlier, the pain is not half when they lose their mother. Remember that.
Space in this case can be in different ways, it can be physical presence or online presence.
Physically, this is when you have gone for a visiatation. I would have loved that sometimes people understood that I wanted to be alone and did not want to see people. But this was not the case, every time someone came I was called because they wanted to see us and all that. It can really be draining guys! It's nothing against the people but the state one is in at the time.
Online as well, don't take the blue ticks personally. Some questions asked are usually tough. Even a simple how are you? at such a time becomes a load to answer. You don't want to lie to the person but you know your honest answer is likely to put them off. Just wait and when they are ready they will get back to you!
At the time when one is mourning they are very vulnerable no lie. So you have to be very careful when giving them advice.
Careful not to come off as though you are now directing how they should live now.
The best way to ensure this is to always reassure that at the end of it all the next step of theor lives is their decision and whatever it be, you are right behind them! Believe in them! Believ in God to guide them.
As you have noticed I have not tackled the topic how to deal with grief but more of how to handle a berieved person. So for how to to deal with grief I shall have cover that when I shall start talking about mental health in the the selfcare series( probably next month).
So this marks the end of the up close and personal series. Next week for storytime we will have embark on a very interesting series.
Also if you have a story you would like to share drop me an email and tell me in the comments how you found this series and if there is any series you would be interested in.
Thank you dear for saying it as it is!! This is the one piece that has strengthened and taught me a lot. Keep going girl!
Glad you feel so !!
Thanks Venchichi for the advice. For sure most times mtu huwa hujui ufanye nini (For sure most times one does not kn ow what to do) – Haha I just had to translate in case a foreigner reads your blog.
dealing with grief and approaching, handling and understanding those in pain…enlightening.