My biggest problem with this novel is that the world and culture is so different from our own, and I am anxious for the reader to feel comfortable in it. I need to know if you, or readers in general, would feel lost or jostled in this opening.
Feel free to reblog and add your personal answer or any comments you might think useful for the authors.
Sunrise bloomed over the marshes' shore. The light spilled over the frosted glass domes; painting vibrant colours over the saltreeds. The birds trilled. The breeze flew. Relief breathed life into the small farm.
At the edge of the field, far from their home in the dome, stood a family of four. The scales on their shoulders shuddered. Their breaths were shallow and sharp. They tossed the bright orange and red feathers of the perished oriole into the ground. The Father sang in broken measures.
The Father's strength caved. He clenched his wife's hand and grappled his sons to his side. The younger son, still his softscales, wept freely and loudly. The Mother tightened her grip. She straightened.
The eldest son then broke the embrace and bitterly shoveled the silt over his sister.
I loved this! Great description at the beginning, lovely imagery. I so want to know what happened to poor Kayde!
Semicolon separates two independent clauses (two sentences that could stand by themselves. The appropriate punctuation before the gerund (ing form) is a comma, implying that the subject of the ing verb is the same as the main clause (the light).
Salt reeds is two words. It would be no big deal if you decided to make a new word since you're writing fantasy. For this reason I left it as one. In fact, I think you should avoid using words of common plants and animals. It detracts from the fantasy atmosphere.
I am a bit confused about the number of domes. Is this a city (like the first sentence implies) or just the farm with its own dome (as the rest of the paragraph makes me think)?
I am not loving the "breeze flew" though that's personal. To me it sounds a bit forced.
I am confused about the relief part. From what? Is the breeze relieving the farm from heat? Are we relieved that Kayla died?
I turned around the sentence with the family of four to turn it from passive to active. In general the active form helps the narration to go smoother and faster.
"Tossing" the feathers doesn't seem particularly loving. Maybe you meant it that way?
The whole paragraph about the family sees all four people doing exactly the same things (the standing, the shuddering, the tossing), which seems a bit artificial.
Make sure you are using the most appropriate verbs. I don't think "grapple" is the right choice here. And is he really grappling both sons at once, while squeezing his wife's hand? The strength "caved" could be okay, but to me "failed" sounds a bit better.
Is the second part of the prayer spoken by the mother or the father?
Sunrise bloomed over the marshy shore. The light spilled over the frosted glass domes, painting vibrant colours over the saltreeds. The birds trilled in the breeze that breathed through the small farm.
A family of four stood at the edge of the field, far from their home in one of the domes. The mother laid the bright orange and red feathers of the perished gor-oriole into the ground, while the father sang in broken measures.
The father's strength failed. He clenched his wife's hand and leaned on his elder son. The younger one, the scales on his shoulders still soft, bawled. The Mother tightened her grip on the husband's hand and straightened.
The eldest son then broke the embrace and bitterly shoveled the silt over his sister's remains.