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Second blog…..Life and death and 2013.
2013 is an unusual year for me. As we hugged each other as the clock chimed 12 I realised that I was the only member of my birth family who would be alive in 2013. My lovely sister, Penny, who was nine and a half years younger than me died four years ago and will not be here for what would have been her 50th birthday next year. My father died some time ago (at least that's what we all think, I have not seen him for over 30 years) and my Mum died in September.
My Mum became ill last Summer and was in hospital for a month. She hated it! She was an independent woman who lived on her own and didn't take to the hospital regime and even less to the food. For a person who did not eat gluten, sugar or meat there was very little that she could eat. My upbringing was complicated and my relationship with my mother turbulent, however, I had noticed a softening in her over the last twelve months which was new. I had been wondering if this might mean that she was entering the final stage of her life. Travelling down to see her in hospital and being given kind and generous hospitality by members of my wider family nevertheless brought historical events to the fore. I came home disturbed and distressed.
Over the years (I am 60 in 6 weeks!) I have noticed that when in need Life will supply the remedy. Three days later I was off to A Sacred Path retreat, a More to Life residential course, in beautiful Trigonos in Snowdonia. Surrounded by beauty I was able to wrestle with some essential questions again. Was I loved as a child? Was I wanted? Did Life intend for me to be really loved? Having reached a satisfactory conclusion to these questions in the past wasn't enough for this moment. My mind was flooded with doubts and my mindtalk – negative assumptions, accusations and demands – answered NO, NO, NO. With superb facilitation from MTL Senior Trainer Richard Perry I was able to see beyond the obvious and to know in my bones that YES! I was wanted by Life and YES! my life has been surrounded by love, often found in unexpected places, and YES! my heart was big enough to hold my mother secure in her journey towards her death. And I did. More to Life and more to come!