Darklightness – Mom Blog. 30's Girl. – Real Experiences. My Truth.
We recently made our first trip to the emergency room with my son, and I was petrified. I was probably being dramatic, but I felt a fear I hadn't experienced before.
You see, I suffer from a rare lung condition, so when I heard my son struggling to breathe, I panicked. After waiting in the hospital waiting room for 5 hours, I was told that he was okay. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. There was no sign of wheezing in his lungs, and it was congestion that was making it hard to breathe.
For the first time, I actually felt like a mum.
Over the past year, I had been going through the motions of being a parent, but I was always emotionally guarded. But on this particular day, I was scared and no amount of self control could help me feel otherwise. For the first time, my guards were down and I was able to let my son into my heart completely And in that moment it was as though something changed in the dynamic of our relationship and both of us could feel it.
That night I slept on the floor in his room. I jumped up every time he coughed, cuddled with him on the rocking chair when he cried. And when he vomited all over himself and crib at 6:30 in the morning, I was there to clean it up.
of those things and the person he could depend on and cuddle with when was feeling low. I became his mum.
Feeling an all too familiar feeling.
But i'm not taking any in.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.
Why do I feel so vulnerable and exposed?
And I'm consumed with insecurities.
Where I can't help but be honest.
With a little dose of support.
Why do I feel so disappointed in myself?
Why do I feel as though I'm letting people down?
I feel as though I'm living in a glass box at the edge of a cliff.
I fall and everything shatters.
My failures are front and center for everyone to see.
If only I could catch my breath then everything would be okay.
I'm in a state of panic.
I want this feeling to go away.
I want to go back to feeling like myself again.
Who have I become as a person?
I don't recognize this person.
I used to be so confident and reassured.
This person dissects her every action.
She creates insecurities where there should be none.
Just made up scenarios in my mind.
And I can't let it win.
But I can only do that if I'm myself.
I can't do that being someone else.
And not allow my mind to control me.
When it acts like your enemy.
I look so happy in this picture, but looks can be deceiving. No one knew it at the time, but I was battling a mental battle I never imagined I would be fighting.
This morning in particular, I woke up and had a panic attack. I followed that up with a very tearful shower. I was petrified to go to this party. It was the first banquet hall party I was going to with my 4 month old son.
The music would be loud and I didn't know how I would be able to disguise having a mental breakdown.
Sure enough, right before we joined in a wedding dance known as the 'jago', my son started to cry uncontrollably, and I had a mental breakdown. I was dressed to the nines and my bangles were bothering him. I couldn't hold him in a comfortable position. I pulled off my bangles, which were too small. You see, my hands had grown while I was pregnant and I didn't realize until the day of the event. So I forced the bangles on, and when it came time to peel them off, it hurt. But I didn't care! I wanted to console my son.
The next morning I woke up and my hands were so swollen and bruised that I had to alternate between an ice pack and heating pad all day.
But you would never know about my mental struggle by looking at this picture.
There is a social stigma attached to pregnancy or what it should be like. Women are expected to be happy and bubbly about the miracle that is growing inside them, and grateful for the opportunity to grow a life inside them. I am very grateful that I am able to carry a child. It is the greatest blessing that I could ever ask for, but I could do without the aches and pains that come along with it. Every morning I wake up and feel my fingers and feet feel sore. I press on my hands with all my might and then groan at the thought of having to lift my 150 pound self out of bed. Being 26 pounds heavier than I am used to, it's an accomplishment to even get out of bed in the morning. I have to mentally prepare myself before I even attempt to move. Eventually, I give up and just roll out of bed.
I hate being pregnant. There I said it, and it feels good to let that off my chest. I don't enjoy feeling nauseous 24/7, feeling exhausted beyond belief and the constant rib pain that just won't let up. I am constantly in a state of discomfort.
I am currently 6 months pregnant, so I still have a long ways to go, and I can feel myself being mentally torn down by this process. I don't know how to regain my strength. It makes me sad to feel mentally weak. I want to be stronger and to feel like myself, but I don't know what to do. Every day I fight a battle with my body. It wants rest, but I want to actively engage in my life. I don't want to waste my day resting. I want to feel like my old self. I want to feel in control of my life.
I'm sure I am not the only person who has felt this way about being pregnant, but every mother I talk to seems to have had an amazing pregnancy. I have yet to find someone I can talk to about the struggles of pregnancy, without being judged for it!