Welcome to the forum. I hope you have managed to have a browse around. You will find good information.
Could it be your meds are not working as good as they could be? It certainly sounds that way. I think that would be my first thing to look into.
You should be very proud of yourself. Looking out for your children like you do. We do it out of love but it is very hard work and everyone needs some time for their own needs. Having time out helps in every way. That would be my second thing.
It can be hard to break away from a bout of depression etc I have been that way myself but if you can try even the smallest thing going the right way starts to build the hope again.
Hey there, I just wanted to say that it sounds like life is tough for you right now.
1. Are you getting support to help with your children? Are other agencies involved and do you get any respite? I cannot imagine how difficult it is to give around the clock care and supervision when you are not feeling well!
2. I agree about the medication- it doesn't sound like it is helping and i don't think you should be feeling so bad after being on it for 5 years.
It also sounds like your self-esteem is very low at the moment-is your husband aware of how you are feeling-do you think you could share some of this? Do you think he is happy? why is he smoking pot?
Have you explored any alternatives to medication- i have been helped by an eclectic mixture of self-help books, counselling, online CBT, hypnosis, mindfulness and meditation (over the years!).
Just take a day at a time (even an hour at a time).
You also need to do something, anything for yourself-to make you feel better-a walk, listen to some music, meditate, read, run, swim, tea with a friend -even just for a few minutes a day.