I walked into Panera this past Wednesday and there was a gift waiting for me.
I climbed 20 flights of stairs last January and another gift was waiting for me.
I went to my normal chiropractor appointment at the end of the summer and a third gift was waiting for me.
I went to church on a regular Sunday and a fourth gift was waiting for me.
All the talk right now is what do I want for Christmas. What do you want? What gifts are we going to get come nine days from now (yes, I know, it's the final countdown…9…8…7)?
Walking into Panera a few days ago stopped me in my tracks. Right there on Route 22 in Watchung, NJ was a gift I had already been given in 2018: my new friend Jackie! Her bright eyes and cheerful smile greeted me before we even reached each other for a hug! Our conversation unfolded in authenticity and grace. We didn't really want to leave at the end of two hours, but other things beckoned us to pack up our plates and give a quick hug goodbye. As I pulled out of the parking lot, filled to the brim with joy over this wondrous gift of a budding friendship, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of all the gifts I have already opened in 2018, gifts strewn lovingly by God's hand to my heart.
Maybe it's just me (and somehow I would hazard a guess that it might not be), but with all the struggles that come from my average, every-day life, my mind tends to swirl around all the gifts I'm NOT getting on any given day. They range from the minuscule (I forgot something at the store and now I have to go back and I just lost a half-hour of time) to the grandiose (some of the prayers I fasted for during Lent on my Hosanna List have not been answered yet). I become discouraged and disheartened, wondering where God is in all of it and if He sees me and even cares.
Enter Panera. My 2018 AHA moment. "Take stock, Esther, of the gifts you've already received and opened and enjoyed this year," a Voice inside my heart nudged, or more like prodded, "You don't have to wait until December 25." So on this ordinary Sunday, December 16, 2018, I am doing just that…one for each month of the year!
The beauty of Allen's apartment in the Strip district in Pittsburgh. Yes, it's 20 flights up (there is an elevator for the faint of heart), but the view of the river and the sheer "one-of-a-kindness" of it takes my breath away each time I turn my key and open the door. And can I just say, Jared moving to this land of Allen's birth is the icing on the cake!
My solo visits to my friend Kim in prison. Who knew prison could be a place of restoration and joy? I didn't. Who knew a long-lost friendship could be rekindled in such an unlikely place? I didn't. And now, my women's group penned individual notes to her for Christmas! I am undone with gratitude.
Fellow writers, editors and podcasters like Afton, Janis, Gail, Annie, Sarah, Debbie, Tracy and so many others who are encouraging me on this new-found and scary, but exciting journey of blogging, and book-writing. (check out some of the links by clicking on their names…you won't regret it). AND YOU READERS who this would be useless without!!! Huge thanks and shout out to those of you who read and share and encourage! You have no idea how my heart leaps with each "like," "share" and "comment." It means what I'm doing matters. Thank you.
Authors who share their hearts with a waiting and skeptical world and the books that come out of them. My two favorite this year and who I am determined to meet one day soon (one moved to NYC and one moved to Pittsburgh, so I have a good chance!!! One knows a friend of mine and already emailed me back and I have a couple of friends who know the other personally…if you know them, hook me up!): Shauna Niequist and Tish Harrison Warren!
Our cozy beach house that provides a place of respite and restoration for our family, my women's group, our friends and even the renters who call it "our house" year after year. Memories are forged, love is shared, the salt air heals and each one leaves better than when they came. There aren't enough words.
Our monthly couple's massage. Best birthday present ever given by my awesome husband. Somehow, though, he benefits from this. He's a sneaky, but cute one.
An invitation into the redemption story of Rwanda! To see this dream fulfilled after 10 years of our family's "clean water obsession," was absolutely incredible. Not only to be a small part of it on the ground, but sharing with our team, meeting the people who do this day in and day out, and being completely invigorated by the ways God is bringing true restoration to a county so broken and devastated. Even the Rwandan woman who prayed for me one day! What a gift! We cannot wait to go back with our family!
Long, deep and abiding friendships that are too many to count! (I can't even begin the list because I so don't want to miss anyone. You know who you are! Some of you are even my family members!) Friendships that stand the test of time and love all the fabulous and flawed parts of me. Friendships that remind me never to give up hope and speak grace over me when I'm hurting. Friendships that keep me on course as we "limp our way together to redemption" (Tish Harrison Warren).
Allen, Sarah, Cody, Broden, Jared, Lady, Josh, Daniella, and Rachel. Heart of my very own heart! Can you even believe that I have permission from them to share about them?! Can you believe a husband and a bunch of mostly Millennials let their stories be known? Who has that? Believe me! I don't take it lightly! This gift of them and from them allows my voice to be heard and there is nothing I treasure more! They are even willing to go further! How about that?? Here's the LITTLE SURPRISE: you will begin to hear more from them and from me in the New Year on my new podcast called "The Dolly Mama and the Millennials." So excited!!
So what's your Panera today? What gifts have you already opened this year? Take stock, my friend! And please please share at least one! Or two, or twelve! You can comment here, but even better out on social media! Or BOTH!
How do you wake up each morning? Slowly, stunned and disoriented? In a panic, your heart racing? Do you set an alarm and jump out of bed or hit the snooze button over and over? Do your thoughts feel dull or does your mind immediately race to all that you have to accomplish? No matter how it happens, there seems to be a tiny window between being fully asleep and fully awake, those brief moments (or even seconds) when it's somewhat in the middle of the two. Experts call it hypnopompia (which roughly means "to lead out of sleep") or liminal space. It's the precious time before you've accomplished anything.
To be honest, the very first thing I've done for a long time is reach for my phone. After all, the "EstherGizer Bunny" has much to achieve and I can check my emails, weather, social media, to-do list and FitBit sleep status right away (I actually have to sleep correctly too…what are we coming to?). I can start my day on the right foot, alert and organized. I can even check off some of those pressing tasks on my to-do list with my pillow still under my head. I have no time for this liminal space. It's no wonder I wake up with heart racing and in a panic. Who wouldn't?
He was APPROVED of and loved before He ACCOMPLISHED anything.
This beautiful and hard-to-soak-in new idea is redeeming my hypnopompic time. I spoke with a friend who sets an alarm clock 20 minutes before the "real" one goes off so that she can spend that cozy, quiet space resting in the notion that she is completely loved and approved of by God before she earns anything. Amazing! It's all the same for Jesus, my friend and FOR ME!
I am APPROVED of and loved before I ACCOMPLISH anything!
So tomorrow morning (and hopefully all the mornings after that…or at least more of them) before you get your head together, before you check your phone and respond to some urgent request, before you shower and primp, and before you head into your day's activities where you will accomplish many things, take those fleeting, fuzzy moments (and hopefully I will too) receiving God's unending and unchanging love and APPROVAL for you.
Soon enough, you will be about your morning. Brushing your teeth. Checking your phone. Helping loved ones out the door. Putting a load of endless laundry in. Heading off to your endeavors. Your day will be filled with all kinds of earning: your paycheck, your friends' approval, your spot in the grocery store line, your promotion, even your own standards.
As we wake with messy hair and bad breath, let's "lead ourselves out of sleep" with the gentle, loving approval God wants to pour over us as we start our day.
As always, feel free to like, comment or share! Especially out on social media (or here)!
God makes a bunch of creatures, including a boy and a bunch of animals.
GOD: "It's not good for the boy to be by himself. I'll make the best fit for him".
God makes a girl from the very flesh and bones of the boy. God sets up a not-so-blind date for the two of them.
Boy and girl are naked and they feel no shame. Boy and girl become one.
Time goes by and after working in a beautiful garden and enjoying companionship with each other and with God, girl meets up with a destroyer of all the goodness. Girl is convinced that God is holding out on her and not giving her what she needs.
Girl acts from that place of disconnection from God.
Boy acts from the same place of disconnection from God.
Boy and girl now realize they are naked and they feel shame. Boy and girl cover up and hide.
Disconnection → hiding → shame → blame. This is how Allen and I lived for many years. The cycle repeated endlessly. We lived how Albert Einstein defines insanity: "doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." It wasn't like we weren't trying hard. Believe me. We were. We just didn't know how to get off the hamster wheel.
God designed us for the opposite of the above cycle. His original design for marriage is connection → vulnerability → responsibility → grace → intimacy. It's the same as His perfect plan for His relationship with us, our journeys of FAITH in Him (there it finally is…the F you were waiting for…see the rest at the end of the post).
God longs for each of us to be "naked and unashamed" (fully-known and fully-loved) with Him. But why does it matter?
The vicious cycle of disconnection → hiding → shame → blame is a destroyer of souls, hearts, minds, even bodies. That's why it matters. It does NOT work for good. It does NOT bring wholeness or healing. God wants something better for us. He has actually created us to have the same relationship with Him that He does with Jesus, the "I and the Father are One" kind of relationship Jesus speaks so freely of. He wants us to be One, naked and unashamed. How can this happen?
CONNECTION: It starts here. God wants us to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are loved by Him no matter what. This is not an easy undertaking. We have had voices of fear, guilt and shame that have permeated our lives and many times, we have associated them with God. Repenting (which just means "changing your mind or thinking a new thought") is the first step. The truth about God, not what you've heard and assumed all your life is that He loves you. No matter what. His great desire for you is that you live from the place of this unconditional loving connection with Him.
VULNERABILITY: When we struggle and fail, he wants to deepen that connection without hiding, but with vulnerability, putting ourselves in the place of trusting Him and His love for us. Vulnerability is when we make ourselves susceptible to the judgment of others, when we let our guards down and relinquish control. It's scary. It involves risk. We might be rejected. The good news is that God will never reject us. He is safe because He can be completely trusted with our struggles and our strengths, our trials and our triumphs. He isn't going anywhere. He will never leave us or forsake us.
RESPONSIBILITY: This safe place with God allows us to be free to take responsibility for our lives, our actions and our emotions, instead of playing the blame game. Taking ownership of our own brokenness, without the self-deprecating place of blame and/or shame is a tricky path to walk. Recognizing our own humanness and frailties and then bringing that out into the light with God is a wonderful giant leap on this journey towards intimacy with Him.
GRACE: God responds to this out of His own complete goodness. He responds to us with grace, which simply means unearned favor. Instead of shaming us, He is kind to us. Instead of cursing us, He blesses us. Instead of turning His back on us, He turns His face towards us. Instead of sending us away, He pulls us close.
INTIMACY: Naked and unashamed. My favorite phrase in the English language. Fully-known and fully-loved. The definition of intimacy. What we all long for at the depths of our being. This is the end result of all the hard work. Completely worth it. It is the healer of souls, hearts, minds and even bodies.
Thank you for reading today! Please feel free to "like" out on social media or here! Thank you again!
Allen and I have our fair share of FIGHTS (the seventh F in the series). We are certainly NOT the couple who can say, "We never argue. We agree on everything." Nor do we want to be (well, Allen wants to be secretly).
Allen is kind and gracious. I am sarcastic and I like to say, discerning (others may call me a bit judgmental). Allen is a hard-worker, quiet and reserved. I am quick-witted and loud. He is methodical and analytical. I am passionate and decisive. Allen is a supporter and a peacemaker. I am a leader and aggressive. As you can see, blending our personalities lends itself to conflict. It is inevitable.
We argue about more serious things like where to spend our money, how to handle the latest "children issue" and what to fill our calendars with, the things of life that have big implications. There's just no way around it.
We also have more tender "discussions" about how we've been hurt, misunderstood, and disrespected by the other. These stem from places of abandonment and shame, and our lack of the ability to "stay with the uncomfortable" parts of ourselves. Allen has an especially hard time with this, deeply desiring the absence of conflict. It does not make him feel safe inside or out. On the other hand, I love exposing all our shadowy parts (or maybe just his if I'm truthful) and bringing them out into the open for the gaping wound to sometimes fester and other times heal. Allen tends to be the avoider. I am the chaser. I fight and he flees when we feel threatened.
For many years, we had no idea that all this conflict CAN actually lead to intimacy (being fully-known and fully-loved). But it CAN also lead to disconnection. The trick is knowing HOW to argue, how to fight fair. Allen's calm and quiet during our times of conflict appears like marital harmony, but without resolution, the problem just brews beneath the surface. My love of "getting it out into the open" many times degenerates into insults and harm. This breeds the perfect environment for disconnection.
Dr. Gottman, the expert marriage researcher, says that how a couple handles conflict is directly related to how likely they are to have a happy marriage. There are four disastrous ways of interacting that will cripple attempts to resolve conflict, one feeding into the next (he calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse): criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. They are the FIRE that destroys.
Complaining (not to be confused with endless nagging – Allen likes the idea of challenging the status quo) is a healthy marital activity. It's not pleasant, but it brings things into the light. Many times, and this is where I personally struggle, it crosses the line to CRITICISM. Criticism involves attacking someone's person, rather than their behavior. Complaints usually start with the word "I" and criticism with the word "you." For example, "I wish we spent more time together" is a complaint. "You never spend time with me" is a criticism. Criticism produces blame and multiplies shame, never resulting in closeness.
Once contempt has entered the picture, each of us has a natural inclination to defend ourselves. In fact, DEFENSIVENESS can result even from proper forms of communication like complaining, especially if there is unresolved shame in either party. However, it is completely natural to resort to this place when there is CRITICISM and especially when CONTEMPT has taken hold. This being said, defensiveness only escalates a conflict instead of resolving it. Denying responsibility and making excuses only separates a couple further.
The last horseman is STONEWALLING. Allen struggles with this. Overwhelmed by emotions, his natural inclination is to withdraw, protect himself. Even though it might look on the surface like "peace-making," it actually is a very powerful act, conveying disapproval. The example that comes to mind is when one of us "stops talking" to the other. When this happens, the ability to connect is seriously thwarted and intimacy is beyond reach.
All this sounds so horrible and hard and probably completely relatable. Even writing this is making me a little discouraged. I need a little good news, how about you?
There is great HOPE! All of those horseman come into every marriage, even happy ones at some point or another, especially when there is intense marital conflict. But they don't have to be the norm. Just like fires can bring harm and destruction, they can also produce light and warmth.
Bottling things up and burying them just makes the "cork pop" at some point. The problem hasn't gone away. Instead, take some time away if you need to with the promise that you will come back together when cooler heads prevail over heated emotions. This has been huge for us. When Allen says "Let's come back later," I am able to "let things go for now" knowing there will be resolution.
This goes back to probably 85% of our arguments about how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, mow the lawn, etc. Allen and I have wasted a lot of time and energy here.
Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot, marriage counselors, teach couples the X, Y, Z formula to help them state their true feelings, "In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z." This gives room for you to state how your partner's behavior affects your feelings. This is when "I" statements, instead of "you" statements, come into play. This helps to diffuse defensiveness and provide a place of safety.
Never "throw back in their face" something your spouse has shared with you in a place of vulnerability and confidentiality. In the heat of an argument, this is a quick "go-to," but will break trust and humiliate the other. Nothing enhances feelings of shame more than this.
Be careful to believe the best about the other's intentions and be open to learning whether or not you are right or wrong. Mind-reading assumes the worst about someone and can be a strategy of self-protection. If I have Allen "all figured out" (and I'm not usually thinking the best), what room is there for him to share his heart? This shuts down communication and blocks intimacy.
Stick to the relevant issue that you are discussing. Don't veer off course, bringing up everything the person has done wrong in the last five years. Refocus when things get off course. Be careful of this slippery slope.
Listen. Plain and simple. But not that easy. Have the goal of understanding where the other person is coming from. This is so hard. I'm not sure why. We want so desperately to be understood. Give the gift you long for to the other. Hear with your heart. Be careful not to fix. Sometimes, silence is your spouse's best friend (something super hard for this chatterbox). "I hear you" have been three of the most powerful words I've ever said or heard.
I have a huge barrier when it comes to saying I am wrong. I can see so clearly how Allen is "completely in the wrong about everything" (note sarcastic tone here). This comes for me from a place of pride ("I'm better than you"). For Allen, it comes from a place of shame ("You're better than me"). We both struggle here for different reasons, neither one of them good. Understanding the back story of our own reactions is HUGE here. When we understand that we both have infinite value and worth, "I'm sorry" becomes much easier because we can take responsibility for our actions without blame and shame.
I keep coming back to the image of fire. "Keep the fires burning" and "Keep the flame alive" are mantras for good marriage. Fire destroys or gives light. Conflict is the same. Fighting harms or heals, brings intimacy or disconnection. I'm sure another "discussion" is right around the corner for Allen and me. May we fight the FIRES of destruction and harm with the FIRES that bring light and healing!
If you've made it this far, can you go back to Social Media and "like" it (but only if you do like it…LOL)!
Cause I will be here.
When we stood at the altar over 27 years ago, and my friend Marcy sang those haunting words, I had no idea in my 25-year-old head how true they would ring this many years later. I didn't know we were embarking on a journey of Three Marriages (and that's so far…who knows how many more we have in us).
When we meet couples who are on their second marriage, sometimes we feel like we can't relate. After all, what do we have in common with them? But as Allen and I joke, we aren't only on our second marriage, we are on our third…it just happens to be with the same person. Very different and also somewhat the same.
Our first Marriage was characterized by HIDING. We so longed to be the perfect Christians, the right kind of wife and/or husband, the ones everyone would look at and say, "We wish we could be just like them. They have it all together." Needless to say, with this kind of pressure to perform, we hid from ourselves, our families, our church and mostly, from each other. We had lots of manners, not a lot of meaning. Lots of talk, not a lot of truth. Lots of outer, not a lot of inner. During that time, we actually did NOT have a lot of CONFLICT (which probably made my conflict-avoiding, peace-loving husband a happy camper), but we also did NOT have a lot of CLOSENESS. And to be honest, it felt good.
Thank God He didn't leave us there. It all "hit the fan" at the end of those 10 years. Our first marriage came to an abrupt end. With the help of some friends, Allen took a huge risk and shared some of his "not-so-perfect" stuff with me. I would love to tell you that I returned his risk with the reward of kindness, understanding and grace. Not so much. His reward was judgment and anger. After all, I liked my perfect, cookie-cutter world, where we were "godly" people and had a picture-perfect marriage and family.
Over the next months, my heart began to slowly change. Allen's risk affected me. I was free to explore the ways I was hiding, the "not-so-perfect" parts of me. For the first time in our marriage I felt safe and free to share those things with him. If he wasn't perfect, then I didn't have to be either. What a relief!
This was the beginning of our second marriage, one characterized by a lot of HARD WORK. Transparency and authenticity came to the forefront, and was mostly met with forgiveness, grace, and compassion, which required long talks and much conflict. We plunged headlong into books on authenticity, life groups that offered mutual transparency and trust (we have a couples' group and we each have our own group comprised of just men and just women), and fought for these everywhere in our life: each other, our kids, and our friends.
As that decade came to a close, and our second marriage felt fairly successful, God called us to another, even deeper level in our relationship with Him and with each other. With the help of a very safe and close-knit group of friends who regularly meet together and the decision to go to counseling, we found out that we "married the wrong person," to quote Pastor Tim Lucas' book on the subject. We began a slow undertaking towards HEALING, wholeness (I MEAN SLOW), another marriage, our third. Our small group went on an inner journey together exploring our pasts and how those played into who we are today, for both good and bad. Counseling revealed to us that we each had core wounds that effect most aspects of our lives and especially each other. That was tough. There was even one very scary night that stands out vividly in my memory. We were lying in bed, seeing very little light at the end of the tunnel, and asked each other, "Will we make it? Is there any hope for us?" We actually weren't sure and this made for a very dark time.
We pushed ahead with our group and with counseling. This journey for HEALING seemed endless. One evening during a session, we came right out and asked the question, "Do you see any hope for us? Is this normal, that it gets much worse before it gets better?" Thankfully, our counselor answered with a resounding, "YES!" to both questions. That gave us the spark we needed to move (albeit slowly) forward.
Working on our marriage without recognizing and working on our own individual brokenness is pointless. They go hand-in-hand.
Removing blame from each other for our own wounds is huge. Blame produces shame, shame begets blame and the cycle goes round and round (that might just be why our fights kept going in circles).
The journey is SLOW. There's no way around it. It takes lots of time and needs the "long-view" approach. None of us can undo years of damage and bad patterns in days, weeks and even months. The good news is that this perspective calms hearts and gives the much-needed room for long-term growth and change.
The process requires struggle. It might be painful. There will probably be some conflict. It won't be comfortable. On Wednesday, Allen reminded me of the image of a butterfly, my all-time favorite creature. Without the stage of the cocoon, there would be no transformation. Scientists tell us it looks pretty gruesome deep inside the chrysalis, kind of like caterpillar soup. Finally, after weeks of this and the butterfly is ready to emerge, it takes hours of struggle to get free and more hours of waiting to fly. The result is sheer beauty.
The other person is worth fighting for. Each of us longs to have true intimacy: being fully-known and fully-loved, naked and unashamed, as Genesis defines it. We want it for each other and for ourselves. This is the place where the most transformative healing can happen, inside true transparency and trust. This is the toughest and yet most rewarding path of all!
We wonder if we will have even another marriage, one where HIDING, HARD WORK AND HEALING are over. It actually sounds a little bit like HEAVEN to me!
This weekend marks the 27th anniversary of the date Allen and I said "I do," May 18, 1991 (cute pic, don't you think??). The weeks and months leading up to the big event were filled with all the romance human beings can muster: a promise ring given as the sun rises in the east and George Winston's "Pachelbel Canon in D" plays in the background, love notes communicating the eager anticipation of our future lifetime together, passionate dates ending with lingering kisses , celebrations of our love in the forms of showers and parties with family and friends, and hearts that long for the knitting together of our bodies and souls.
The romance is prolonged for the next 10 days as we spend our Honeymoon in a cabin nestled in the heart of the Smokey Mountains exploring underground caverns, dining at white-laced tablecloth eateries, white-water rafting, watching "The Hunt for Red October" (again, NOT so romantic and NOT one of Allen's finer moments), bike-riding, long, lazy talks about our future, hiking to water falls through quiet walkways, spending uninterrupted time together (no cell phones in those olden days), and more "you know." Life is just as I imagined it should and would be for the next 50 years: filled with the excitement and mystery of these things called love and marriage.
Enter reality: home rental with option to purchase, unexpected pregnancy only two short months in, long work hours, church commitments, and normal, every-day activities like paperwork, food prep, and yard work. Not sounding too romantic anymore. My dream is mildly shattered. Is this really what makes up marriage? How will we last? This just seems like a lot of hard work. And yes, yes it was and still is.
Friendship is absolutely VITAL to the health of any marriage. It is forged through mutual trust, unconditional support and selflessness, all things that must be fought for and worked through. Marriage requires these marks of true and abiding friendship: equality, attachment, honesty, companionship, emotional safety, respect, understanding, vulnerability and closeness. There's just no way around it.
To be candid, I am not always a good friend to Allen, nor he to me. We tend, in our humanness, to find fault, treat each other with contempt, push each other away, become too busy, listen half-heartedly, hide and shut down. And for these times, just as any true friendship needs, grace and compassion must flow out of our hearts for ourselves and each other. After all, this is really the stuff that makes up a lifetime of babies and home ownership, job changes and heart-breaking losses, bill paying and love-making.
I love this man, my husband, from the depths of my soul. He has all that it takes to make a great friend: loyalty, kindness, compassion, grace, integrity, respect and understanding. What a gift he has given me.
One last aside. There is another piece to this puzzle that our Pittsburghy best man understood about marriage: entering into and embracing what is important to the other person is paramount to true and abiding friendship! It is telling the person: I will love what you love! As you can see below, I have done my best to make it a reality!
Happy Anniversary, Allen John Goetz! You have truly "doubled my joy and divided my grief!" Here's to 27 (at least) more!
Letting nine-month-old "cry it out" during nap for 45 minutes only to find both legs stuck between crib rails after "giving in" and checking on baby (this was the olden days when this could actually happen).
Forgetting about "RED DAY" in child's kindergarten class. Only kid not wearing any red (except for a tiny spot on sneaker that child very sadly pointed to in desperation when the teacher asked what red they were wearing).
Leaving eight-year-old eating chips and watching movie in van with engine running, while watching freshman field hockey (van was kind of visible from side-line location. Checked on child at half-time).
Forgetting to inform "pet sitter" about two tree frogs for week-long, very hot, summer vacation. End result: crispy critters.
Leaving two middle school boys home alone with all the necessary equipment to make a blow torch in garage (think water gun, gasoline, and a BIC multi-purpose lighter).
Picking up tipsy teenager from a party and driving at midnight to Walmart to get a breathalyzer to no avail. Driving around until 1 am searching and finding a police officer, asking him to give test (NOTE: police officer did not comply). Driving home making threats of grounding for life.
Standing in driveway holding on to the hood of college student's car, supposedly preventing college student (in mild – okay not so mild – argument with) from leaving. Doesn't work (shocker). College student gets out and leisurely walks down street to awaiting friend's car, while yours truly is screaming "don't come back." Topping it off, our neighbor most likely sees the insanity unfold in all its glory.
I hope this has brought you much laughter and grace for yourself and all the other moms you know (especially me). I need grace and kindness and love and to be told it will all be okay and we are all just a little desperate and nuts sometimes! Happy Mother's Day to those of you who love your little, or not-so-little-anymore, kids and grownups. You are doing a great job (and if you aren't today or weren't yesterday or might not tomorrow, take a moment to laugh at yourself just a little).
By the amount of sheer clicks and views on my post about my friend Kim who killed her husband, I know many of you read her story a few weeks ago. (If you didn't, check it out here first before going ahead, but don't forget to come back.) I was thrilled that I received views, but somewhere inside me I knew that it was partly because of the mind-boggling nature of the post. I would have clicked as well just out of curiosity. Today, however, I hope that even if you did come again to quench the thirst of an inquisitive mind, you will find a greater satisfaction for your spirit.
My friend Kim and I have become pen pals. Snail mail is a slow process, especially with prisoners, because all mail is opened and read before reaching the other person. It can take about two weeks from penning the letter to the opening and reading of it on the other end. In a world where immediate communication is just a text, email or phone call away, this has been an exercise for me in carefully thought-out words on paper and eager anticipation of a reply as I wait patiently for up to a month to hear back.
My second letter came about two weeks ago. It was the first since visiting her in prison. I had written her a long letter and sent her a copy of the blog post I had written about her. She was responding. As I read the letter, I began to weep with joy over the words that came flowing off the paper. It was as if I was perusing something straight out of the best book I had ever read, where wrong is made right and goodness wins over evil, something my soul longs for at the very core of it.
Two girls in a dorm room, sharing secrets and dreams late at night while the campus goes to sleep. Two massively different external stories. One girl goes on to raise a "normal" family and live a typical American life. The other kills her husband and heads to prison for 20+ years. What could we possibly have in common 30+ years later?
"Your blog entry was poignant. Wow. I never thought of my story as inspirational. I'm not talking about the salacious, media version of my crime. I mean my story, the one that had yet to be told. I believe that those truths needed to be told so that my victims would no longer have questions. I owed truth to them, to my family, to my friends and to the larger community. I believe that keeping the truth inside of me all that time was in essence a kind of theft. The truth is all I have to give and I needed to give it.
Telling the truth is hard. Especially to someone who is out of practice like me. I kept many secrets for many years and it made me hollow and dead on my inside. I lived like that while looking perfectly normal on my outside. Telling those truths was beyond scary to me. I thought I would lose every single person that loved me, family included. But God moved in my life and opened doors for me, giving me a safe place and way to finally speak. Yes, there was real risk of rejection, but I knew it was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do.
In prison, there aren't many safe places to tell the truth. Information that can be used to hurt someone is power. So we hold our power inside as a kind of protection. Sometimes, we don't even admit the truth to ourselves because we can't bear to look directly at what we've done. That was definitely true for me. I wanted to speak, but how? To whom? Where should I start?
My objective was to find a way to reach out to my husband's family. I was not seeking forgiveness. I would not dare to ask that. I have no right to it. Forgiveness is a gift that heals and releases the giver. The decision to forgive (or not) is sacred. I wanted to give them the opportunity to hear truth and to respond however they want. My hope was that my acceptance of responsibility might help them heal. I knew I had to try.
My father died and I inherited money. I hired an attorney. He found something called DIVO (Defense Initiated Victim Outreach). It is part of the restorative justice movement. We hired a psychological expert to create an "in-depth profile of me." The woman we hired was patient and smart and kind. She helped me speak out loud not only what I did the night of my crime, but how I got to the point where I believed that killing my husband was the only answer. She helped me understand what I could not understand on my own. She peeled off the layers of self-hate to uncover the complicated mess underneath. It was painful and horrible and a blessing.
In 2010, I took a class called VOICE (Victim Offender Impact Class Education). In that class, we heard many stories of victims and how the crimes impacted their lives. At the end, we were encouraged to write a letter to our own victims. These letters are kept in a file that victims can access. They told us that a letter would be sent to our victims telling them the letter was on file. So I wrote. I do not know if the letter ever reached Steve's family.
There was still a pull in my heart to do something, anything to express my remorse, to tell my ugly truth to the the people I had harmed. I joined a group called "Building Bridges." The work we do is transformational. We speak openly to each other about our crimes and our lives that lead up to them. It was rough, hideous and shocking to say those things and hear them from others. We then meet with outside guests to tell them those same truths and allow them to ask questions. The questions are hard to answer, but I do. I know that doing the uncomfortable thing is good, that God wants to bless the truth. And He does.
I have alienated people with my truth. Especially when the truth exposes something awful that was done to me. One of those secrets I mentioned. In the end, I have been loved unconditionally, maybe for the first time in my life. I am lucky in a way that the only kind of love I can get is unconditional. Only unconditional love can penetrate barbed wire.
Telling the truth has healed me. I was without the burden of a thousand lies on my back. I can accept my incarceration with grace and the acknowledgement that I do belong in prison. I do not believe I will be here for life and God is working. He has put blessings and opportunities in my path that could have only come from Him. That is how I know I am on the right path because He is restoring me. He promises to give back what the moths and locusts have eaten.
What do we have in common? Nothing on the outside, but everything on the inside.
The story of Kim's crime is interesting and may satisfy your curiosity, but the story of her heart is redemptive and may just satiate a much deeper, needy place in your soul, one that longs for truth and freedom on the inside. It has mine.
Two girls and two paths that from the outside, look utterly different. One God. Two girls and two paths that are wonderfully similar on the inside. From lying to truth. From hiding to freedom. Her story is all of our stories. The stories of redemption. May the stories continue.
9/29/99 was an ordinary Wednesday for most people. But for me, it was a "line-in-the-sand" kind of day, a day that marked a change in my life that brought unconditional love in the form of a 9 pound 5 ounce baby girl. Rachel JOY Goetz, our fourth child, was born that morning, at 1:09 am, to be exact. And now, in just two short days, she is off to embark on her next adventure, taking the "Rachel-only" piece of my heart with her!
Two years ago, at the age of 16, I gave her a gold-dipped white rose for her birthday. The thoughts I penned for her that day ring truer in my heart tonight as I sit at my computer. My initial impulse is to weep (and I'm sure it will come in buckets soon enough), but in the wee hours of a Friday, I am reminded that JOY does come in the morning. So for now, I celebrate.
I love giving you this rose. It symbolizes so much that I want you to know about yourself and why you have changed my life and the lives of all who meet you.
First of all, the rose is WHITE. White is a symbol of innocence or purity, but not perfection. I see in you a pure heart, one that longs to love others with good intentions, treat others kindly with much grace and little judgment and do your personal best without getting caught up in "perfectionism." Your pure heart is beautiful!
Secondly, the flower is a ROSE. Roses are heart-stoppingly beautiful to the eye and their smell is equally show-stopping. When I think of you, your outward beauty is heart-stopping for me. Many times, as you know, you take my breath away! You are simply gorgeous on the outside! I can't get around it. But again, more importantly, your "aroma" is show-stopping. Your infectious smile, caring heart, and love for the "haves" and the "have-nots" is truly incredible.
LOVE – You love unconditionally. We have said this about you from when you were a baby. When others are with you, they can't help but feel loved and accepted. What a gift that is!
FAITH – You are a trusting soul. You believe the best about others. You easily trust God's heart toward you.
BEAUTY – Rachel, you are truly beautiful, inside and out.
BALANCE – You understand the delicate balance of life: work, play, others and yourself. I love watching this in you. You are a good teacher to me.
PASSION – What can I say? Your passion for what really matters to you is crazy cool to watch! Those five things…God, love of family and friends, music, puzzles and the beach!
TIMELESSNESS – I think of you as a timeless person. You enjoy people aged 2 to 102. You love where you are and who you are with. Time seems to slow down when I am around you!
INTRIGUE – No one can say that they have explored the depths of what makes you Rachel. You have a mysteriousness about you that is very interesting and causes me to want to know you more. There is so much to you and it has been fun seeing a beautiful young woman begin to unfold!
DEVOTION – You are one of the most loyal people I know. You stick by your friends, your beliefs, your love for Jesus, your family and yourself!
SENSUALITY – You love all things…what you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch! You enjoy life to the full. You see all the gifts God has for you in nature, in others, in music, in so many simple things, in all of life!
Lastly, the rose is dipped in GOLD. To me, gold symbolizes long-lasting value. Every time you look at the rose on your bookshelf, I want you to be reminded of how incredibly valuable you are, to God, to us, to yourself and to your future. You have infinite value, much more than any GOLD in the world. The whole person that makes up Rachel JOY Goetz is so undeniably precious and I pray that you would continue to hold onto that understanding for the rest of your life!
I want to end with the second verse that God gave me when you were born! It has really come true for me! And for anyone who has spent a minute with you!
I love you precious daughter!
PS If you aren't tired of Rachel yet, click HERE to watch my gut-wrenching slide show of her amazing life!
PPS And if you want to read what it was like to be her sister, check out Sarah's blog post from May of 2011 about the unconditional love that was 11 year-old Rachel.