In a recent water-cooler conversation, a friend mentioned, innocently and without judgment or malice, that some mutual acquaintances are in conflict over something, probably rather petty, but unfortunate nonetheless. It was clear that the storyteller was being intentionally vague to avoid getting caught up in the ugliness of gossip. She is a lovely person and mentioned no names, just authentic concern about how people were treating each other. I had no idea who or what she was talking about. And, from the responses of the others standing there, they didn't either. Since it was clear that none of us were involved in the drama (whew), we moved on.
My curiosity did not. Move on, I mean.
I truly have no idea who or what was said or done. And, again, no one in the conversation asked.
But, oh, how I wanted to. Sort of.
And the "sort of" makes me just the tiniest bit satisfied with myself. Not in a cocky way, but in a "finally" way. Because tempering that curiosity with thoughtfulness is helping me stay balanced. I know this sounds obscure, but stay with me and let me know if you agree.
So, here I am… aware that there is a situation in which someone was hurt or bullied by another person I probably know. And, there is a good chance that I am better acquainted with one than another. My curiosity is sort of dying to know who, who, who… so I can form my opinion, take a side, and offer what help I can be to the wounded friend or even, in some cases, the unfairly labeled bully. My intentions are really pure. Satisfying my curiosity is just an inevitable, unavoidable by-product.
Which leads to the imbalance, doesn't it? I am now perched on a scale that will tip in either one direction or another. Towards one friend, away from another. On the side of one who didn't ask for my support, or harboring secret feelings of resentment against one who is completely unaware of my warped perspective.
I heard something about you, something that doesn't involve me, that I didn't witness, and that would never have touched my life had it not been for a casual conversation with others that weren't involved either. And that distant "something" now colors every thought I have about you. It may draw me toward you or turn me against you. It may affect how I greet you in the morning or respond to your suggestion at a meeting. It may keep me from getting to know you in a deeper way because I let someone else's words tip the balance. Or it may lure me to your corner, taking up residence behind barriers that you have created against those I may have otherwise found remarkable, even inspiring.
I said that I feel the tiniest bit satisfied because this time I did temper my curiosity with thoughtfulness. I didn't ask and I can say that I honestly don't want to know. And I said "finally" because it took me a long time to really see that, in the end, being a little curious is much better than being even slightly off-balance.
Bravo for your honesty and commitment to growth! I keep reading about ways to improve "school culture" but really, that will only improve if we each make this kind of personal growth. Great post.
I say your satisfaction is well deserved! Our feelings are legitimate — the curiosity, the hurts, the annoyances, even jealousy, I'd say — and it's in how we navigate them that reveals (and builds!) our character. You did it with thoughtfulness. Thank you for sharing your insight!