Do you have any relationships in which you feel suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or just plain fed up with being told what to do a lot of the time (and feeling very guilty that you keep giving in)? Is there someone in your life around whom you feel you have to tiptoe and be super careful to mollify or not anger? Do you know someone who seems to have "buttons" for going off at you at the simplest of things you say or do, often without rhyme or reason? If you feel that any of these situations have a ring of familiarity to them, then you may be dealing with a controlling person.Controlling people can be male, female, or outside of the gender binary. Controlling relationships can be romantic or platonic. Be just as wary of a jealous friend who hates your significant other as you are of your significant other, especially if your friend is unhappy with his/her romances.
Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn't make them a controlling personality. The test is: Do they allow you to be yourself, or do they unduly influence your behavior?

Distinguish people with strong boundary issues from controlling people by testing their reactions to other topics. If someone always blows up if they're touched without warning but doesn't react in a controlling way if you wear your hair differently or lose weight or gain weight, etc., that is a boundary issue. Other people's personal choices such as changing religion, dieting, grooming or exercise are boundary issues. Even if you think you're right and they're wrong, someone who's sensitive on any of these subjects is holding a boundary when it's about what they do with their life and how they're treated. It's when they start telling you who you are, what to wear, think, feel and do that they're being controlling.
Don't feel too bad if you discover that you are sometimes controlling with other people in your life, especially if you grew up with a controlling parent. On a deep level, whatever you grew up with feels "normal" and it takes work to stop treating others the way you were treated. It's a big part of recovery to break the pattern in yourself. If you notice it at the time, it helps to back up and apologize to the person whose boundaries you crossed. This can save healthier friendships and relationships in your life.;
, Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person. Moody people tend to be mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them and seek to remedy their internal pain and improve their situation by controlling others.What better than having someone else run at your beck and call and having another person accepting blame or being afraid when you don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of pain?









Moody people tend to sulk or cast a pall of gloom right in the middle of a moment of happiness.
These people will often throw a hissy fit when inadequate attention is being paid to them and their needs. This is a manipulative way of controlling that can be hard to say no to because the person will often say they are in pain/upset/hurting and the like, trying to make the other person feel bad for them.
 Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by bullying (the coward trying to control others) or threats (easier to shout out dire warnings of potential harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of harm) are a sign of a controlling person.Temper outbursts often happen when you disagree with them (however lightheartedly or kindly) or don't do exactly what they want you to do (which can be difficult to glean sometimes, as many controlling people expect you to be able to "read their mind"). In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you when you either disagree with them or don't comply with their wishes.








Coupled with moodiness, the moody temper-throwing person can be a real handful because you never know where you stand with this person. Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or resentment can be taken out on you as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never put up with a person harming you. It is not your fault that they hurt inside. Sadly, it is more likely that someone else in their youth behaved the same way toward them and they're perpetuating a bad cycle.
 Questions can reveal several things in terms of a controlling person when they respond in a frustrated or condescending way:








As already alluded to, a controlling person thinks that you can read their mind. If you ask basic questions about what to do together, where to go, what they want, etc., they can become easily frustrated because they expected you to have all of their needs thoroughly accounted for and placed ahead in priority over yours. Questions mean a decision still needs to be made, when the controlling person thinks the decision has already been made, all about them and for their convenience.
Controlling people often assume that they understand how you think, even when they actually don't. They may become frustrated because their constructed image of you is at odds with what you say.Questions can irritate a controlling person because they would rather be in control of the questioning, not anybody else.
Questions can verify for a controlling type of person that the questioner is in need of guidance and control because they don't know the answer. This may actually become worse over time because the controller is seeking to have the controlled person second guess his or her own decision-making abilities.
 Controlling people may try to control you by making you feel like you’re their “everything.”They may flatter you, even when these compliments are shallow or inaccurate. Often, though, controlling people will turn belittling or cruel at the drop of a hat, especially if they think you’ve done something wrong.If you frequently feel small, embarrassed, humiliated, or sad after this person talks to you, you might be involved with a controlling person.









For example: Cassie is Maya's best source of feeling good about herself and she likes bossing Cassie around. So, Maya often tells Cassie that she is a good friend but never agrees to call her her best friend even though Cassie often refers to Maya as her BFF. In this way, Maya holds out the possibility but never confirms it, putting her in control.
A controlling person may put you down or make you feel stupid in order to get you to think that you need them. For example, Jake tells his girlfriend Sujata that she’s overweight and could never get another boyfriend. He says she’s lucky he goes out with her. This is controlling and abusive behavior, and you never need to put up with it.
Controlling people often demean or criticize others as a means of building themselves up and appearing superior and in control. In fact, a controlling person is easy to spot from the constant monologue about how rotten, stupid, evil, ridiculous, annoying, etc. everyone else is (presumably they're never any of these things).
"This person will tend to insist until they wear you down and make you give in, changing your firm no to a weak yes, and leaving you feeling guilt-ridden and ashamed of yourself. Remember that it is your right to make decisions, including ones that are in the negative and that refuse to do what this person asks.









A common type of control that happens in romantic relationships is pressure to have sex.If your partner tries to pressure or guilt you into sex even when you don’t feel like it, they’re attempting to control your behavior to get what they want. You always have the right to say no.
 Do you often find yourself altering your own personality, plans or views to fit someone else's, even if you are usually a strong person?If so, you might be dealing with a controlling person. Here are some warning signs:









Does the person ignore, underplay or override your own experience or expressions of your own feelings? Controllers attempt to define your reality. If you say you're tired and the person says you're not, that's a good sign he or she is a controlling person. If you say you’re upset and the other person ignores it, she or he may be controlling.
Do you often find yourself expected to change your plans for this person? Let's say you have your day all planned out, and then you receive a phone call from a friend, and you tell them your plans. The person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time doesn't work well for them, or maybe that isn't the place they want to go. The next thing that you know, your plans have totally changed. You end up seeing a movie that you didn't care to see, at a time that you didn't really care to go.
 It is in these areas that you can truly spot the controlling person at full throttle. Unlike a highly opinionated person (who can be a pain in their own right but isn't seeking to control, just air their own opinions loudly), a controlling person lacks the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the two of you. Indeed, a controlling person is always seeking ways to change some part of your core traits or personality, reshaping you as part of their feeble attempt to control the world around them. While it could be said that relationships are not democracies, neither are they dictatorships. It is important to seek a balance you're comfortable with within any relationship and the ability to compromise, tolerate, be flexible and give and take both ways is essential to healthy relationships.








Most people who are controlling always throw in the argument the words, "you are the problem", or "you have a problem." Nothing is ever their fault.
Controlling people often have difficulty dealing with problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to blame others when their own mistakes are pointed out. When this happens, end the discussion without allowing the controlling person to successfully shift their blame to you and/or credit away from you or others.
If you really love this person, the "bind" they've got you in can be even more difficult to both see and escape from because your love keeps trying to excuse their behavior.
Consider how you feel around the people in your life before all else.
Look for moodiness.
Suspect any person who has a temper and uses it often.
Think about how this person reacts to being asked normal questions.
Listen to how they speak to you.
Be wary of any person who seems incapable of understanding or accepting the word "no.
Consider what happens when you want to be yourself or do your own thing.
Review how this person sees difficult situations, mutual decision-making or issues of responsibility.
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