So mad at myself. - Joke Jet So mad at myself. Courtesy of my four year old Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn ​ Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao! Somewhere in the Linux kernel https://ift.tt/2Y8Q5MQ Chillin’ w/ my homies https://ift.tt/34xJJt5 New requirement!! https://ift.tt/36kkF86 Thought this would work here. Wait a second. https://ift.tt/2ZP2KF6 Ethnic joke… An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans… … walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group… "You can't come in here without a Thai." I was terrified by the results of my blood test But my doctor just said B positive The First Family https://ift.tt/31HtrdT That outfit though https://ift.tt/2WJba1e How kids eat these days according to boomers. https://ift.tt/2J2p2vi I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows to high.. She looked surprised Tbh it might be better than the property. https://ift.tt/36KpyrH The wife is mad at me My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it. What food is served hot but is always cold Chili Not really satisfying but ok https://ift.tt/3cHrpRb The Ultimate Blonde Joke A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop". repost https://ift.tt/2MzN3vU OOPS https://ift.tt/3bUBUkk What do you call dentists who specialize in unorthodox teeth correction? Orthodocs. ❤️ I think I suffer from Kleptomania I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger It’s like he wants to EAT me https://ift.tt/2Xy0Xmr So perfect, so misfortunate https://ift.tt/2lg7yna On #edgymemes for Instagram… so edgy I won the costume contest at my school. https://ift.tt/2oFQQ2c 😂😂😂🙏🙏🙏 they won’t know what hit’em! Hyuck! https://ift.tt/31vQcDh Hunter… Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much! My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe. Why do milking stools only have three legs? Because the cow's got the udder! Tom Scott is one of the best YouTuber out there https://ift.tt/2yz2gth Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume? Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob! Me https://ift.tt/32mX9oV Crying New to Programming. Does this feeling ever wear off? https://ift.tt/2ymea9I Best costume goes to 😂 O chem conjugated double bonds https://ift.tt/2KlgNeF Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it What do you call a one horned animal that asks a lot of questions? A Why-nocerous Translation “now i know why mustaches are trending” https://ift.tt/34Ye2bE I’m just trying to enjoy some memes here, and your comedic insight is ruining my experience. HaVe YoU tRiEd BlOcCcHaIn ? https://ift.tt/2slTU4J Factual Statement https://ift.tt/3ggo4uW Die-hard Trump fans https://ift.tt/2xIiUq6 I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me… He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water' At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old. Unfortunately, the police found it. Tut Tut https://ift.tt/2SfZhNT My therapist tells me I second guess every decision I ever make… [deleted] I’m still in shock https://ift.tt/2NjqIlX nothing tops a plain pizza No text found Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities? https://ift.tt/2SLiwid Venn diagram of chemical elements and US states https://ift.tt/3ezRXWh Time Flies Hi, mom! https://ift.tt/2Up78JI When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice, “I never knew my real ladder.” Bruh What do u call a zombie that writes music? A decomposer The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?” You what? it’s just unnecessary (r/memes) I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough. It is kneadless, to say. Grandma rules! https://ift.tt/2S7eujv So brave… https://ift.tt/3bo0n0k A double whammy A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!" 15 seconds skippable ad at p*rnhub https://ift.tt/37sXn0R What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free? He had the right to bear arms. Ellory the Shark https://ift.tt/2Nzc63d Sedlyfe https://ift.tt/2xwCOEm Checkmate, thermodynamics. https://ift.tt/3ghsXnB As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field… But hay, it's in my jeans. It takes an incredible amount of energy to hate someone this much https://ift.tt/2N9Hl4s A Cockroach’s last words to a man https://ift.tt/3c9onFH I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients. Researchers are being nosy about this Now we know https://ift.tt/2SFs0el [NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off. What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out. I just came to that realization. Where are my electricians at?? https://ift.tt/2RjFqg3 What are pornstars paid? Income. Thymeless card my best friend made me some years back Olive Garden Bernie off the top rope! https://ift.tt/37rwVFp One of my favorite songs by Cyndi Lauper I recently took a poll I found that 100% of people were upset when the tent collapsed. Women don’t have a wife 😂 https://ift.tt/2wSegoP I guess 5g a meme now https://ift.tt/39n7sgW Restating the obvious means more humor, duh Which vegetable likes to line up the most? A queuecumber endoslavery ​https://ift.tt/3dJDlmM For craps sake can we not keep using this lame format Oh boy https://ift.tt/2Fzq9B1 My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son… …maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.” i can change https://ift.tt/3dYHH99 Officer, I’d like to report a homicide. Coronavirus Best Practices (stay healthy everyone) https://ift.tt/392SNHP Just got back from the supermarket – there was a guy rushing round the shop who had brought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piñatas. I thought to myself, Hispanic buying. Categories No categories © Copyright 2022