A portly man outside a Town Hall meeting carries a sign reading "Abolish federal government." A middle-aged banshee screams "Nazi" at a pro-health care reform Israeli emigre. Tap dancing Tom DeLay, caught up in the thrall of his own voice on national TV, demands that Obama show the world his "gift certificate." Rep. Michele Bachmann says that prayer and fasting will defeat health care reform.

Meet the Stupids circa 2009, folks, a familiar perfect storm of the flimflammers and the flimflammed, united as one to make nonsensical noise. I say "familiar" because, no matter how aberrated the recent spate of AstroTurf antics may seem, they are as American as apple pie. In fact, they are based on two of this country's founding principals: paranoia and righteous stupidity.

Our foundation in a nutshell using the above precepts: "We've arrived in a new land. Look! People with red skin! Let's kill them before they kill us!" and "It's okay because God is on our side."

Seen through such a prism, it's no wonder, then, that you have someone like Bachman whining that Obama is "reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom" or that someone is protesting health care reform with a sign reading: "Stop the Trojan horse of Islam."

America has always had sort of a schizoid nature in terms of dealing with truth and intellect - not exactly a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde set-up as much as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Shithead scenario. When faced with truth that can't be ignored, shout it down. When confronted by change, shout louder. When shown that you're in error, kill the messenger.

A large swath of this country has always defined itself as white Christians who are opposed to anything that doesn't seem white or Christian enough. That same swath is also paranoid about some secular ruler telling them what to do, perhaps owing to their ancestors fleeing the monarch of choice to get over here. (Ironically, from "manifest destiny" to "spreading democracy," these are pretty much the same people who want to duplicate the Empires of old by taking over and subjugating countries and peoples who aren't white and/or Christian, handing them an American flag, a crucifix and a Coke.)

Once patriots of old found out they could subjugate red folks, they turned their attention to black folks, yellow folks and brown folks before moving onto white ethnic or religious groups that didn't fit in with their concept of what America should be. "No Irish Need Apply" was one step away from "Back of the Bus." Defining Jews as "money-grubbing power mongers" later evolved into Arabs as "money-grubbing power mongers" in the 1980s and, of course, our current "Muslims as heathen war-mongers" motif. We're equal opportunity paranoids.

Even the much-lauded Protestant Work Ethic was once used to justify being rich. If you were rich, God was giving you a thumb's up. If you were poor, God didn't really care for you and was giving you the celestial equivalent of the Bronx cheer. So, when you add the "greed is good" axiom to the fear and stupidity mix, there's no reason to be shocked at the current anti-health care reform sideshow.

It has nothing to do with health care reform.

It has everything to do with fear of change, fear of a Black president and the perceived loss of power. The fact that most of the people protesting are powerless doesn't matter. They are being bankrolled and directed by those who have power, members of the GOP and big business.

Let's concentrate on the protestors for a moment. Most of them wouldn't know Socialism from Botulism. Their worldview is in Braille. Yet, there they are carrying signs decrying "Obama's Nazi health care plan" and offering "Send Obama Home To Kenya" and "Black National Socialism Is Not Utopia."

(Note: Normally, I would shield the names of these folks and refer to them by the generically nonjudgmental term "fucktard A" or "fucktard B." However, these idiots have worked so long and hard for their fifteen minutes of fame; let's ridicule them by name.)

William Kostrick showed up with a pistol strapped to his leg at a New Hampshire Obama speech and a sign referring to the quote "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the blood of tyrants and patriots." When asked if the gun was loaded, he replied that only an idiot would carry an unloaded one. D'oh.

Chris Broughton, who brought an assault rifle to an Obama rally in Arizona, said, "I don't want to be Joe-the-Plumber. I'm hoping my fifteen minutes of fame are over." He said that in an interview that was recorded BEFORE he showed up to the event armed to the teeth.

(He's also a member of a group called "We the People" which pledges to restore "Freedom and Constitutional Order through the exercise of popular sovereignty by all possible non-violent means." Rest assured, folks, guns don't kill people. Non-violent dickwads with guns kill people.)

At the event, he declared, "We will forcefully resist people imposing their will on us through the strength of the majority with a vote."

Whut?

(Note: a lot of the gun-toters and their defenders state that they're exercising their Second Amendment rights to protect their First Amendment rights. Here's hoping they combine the two and just shoot their mouths off.)

Before he attended the event, Broughton attended a service conducted by pastor Steven Anderson of the Faithful Word Baptist Church who, in a sermon, entitled "Why I Hate Barack Obama," said he wished Obama would die and go to Hell. He later said that he wasn't advocating assassination. "I don't want him to be a martyr," Anderson clarified, "we don't need another holiday. I'd like to see him die, like Ted Kennedy, of brain cancer."

When Broughton was asked if he favored violence he said, "I'm not going to answer that question directly. I don't care how God does it, I'm not going into further detail than that."

Welcome to Fox Nation.

Probably the most entertaining of the "I am clueless, hear me roar" group is a curly-haired lass named Katy Abram, a 35-year-old mom who showed up trembling at an Arlen Specter event, blurting "This is about the systematic dismantling of this country. I'm only 35 years old. I've never been interested in politics. You have awakened the sleeping giant. We are tired of this. This is why everybody in this room is so ticked off! I don't want this country turning into Russia, turning into a socialized country. What are you going to do to restore this country back to what our founders created according to the Constitution?"

Later, on Sean Hannity's geek show, she said, "I know that years down the road, I don't want my children coming to me and asking me, 'Mom, why didn't you do anything? Why do we have to wait in line for, I don't know, toilet paper or anything?'"

Now, one can scoff at this woman's lack of knowledge. (Excuse me. I think I will now. Scoff! Scoff!) She managed, however, to crystallize the intellectual acumen of the protestors the following day with an appearance on "Hardball" with guest host Laurence O'Donnell. She complained that the health care bill would raise her taxes. O'Donnell pointed out that taxes would be raised only on families earning $250,000 or more a year. "Would that include you and your family?" he asked.

Abram blinked. "Honestly, I'd rather not say. I don't even know. My husband takes care of the bills and everything. You know, he takes care of us, and that's all that matters."

Um, how many of you reading this have no idea of how much money you're earning? (Let me take off my wax lips and ponder this.)

Here are a couple of priceless exchanges that show the true depth of her knowledge.

O'DONNELL: "Well, do you believe the president when he says, if you like the health care plan you have, as you say you do, you can keep that health care plan? Is that something, when you hear it, you simply don't believe it?"

ABRAM: "I don't believe it because I heard him say on a quote on television that, you know, it may take five or 10 years, but we will move to a single-payer health-or to a single-payer..."

O'DONNELL: "He - Katy, he's never said that. He has never said we will move to a single-payer plan."

ABRAM: "I heard - I heard it on TV. I heard it on TV. I heard him saying it."

O'DONNELL: "The president of the United States - Katy, the president of the United States has never said."

ABRAM: "This was a couple years..."

O'DONNELL: "Oh, yes, it was a few years ago?"

ABRAM: "It was like in 2002 or 2000.... It was a couple of years ago. This wasn't - it's not since he's been in office."

O'DONNELL: "Now, do you - are your parents on Medicare?"

ABRAM: "No, but they're very, very close. My father is very close."

O'DONNELL: "So, when they cross the line into 65, are they going to not participate in Medicare? Would you like them - would you tell them please don't participate in Medicare because it's a single-payer government-funded system? Have you had that conversation with them?"

ABRAM: "No, we don't talk politics..."

As we all know, Medicare discussions between family members are always really political. It's right up there with that hot button Social Security decision.

Here's another good one.

O'DONNELL: "You said in your statement that you're 35 years old, and nothing has gotten you interested in politics before. And what's interesting to me about that is, that means you, as an adult, lived through 9/11."

ABRAM: "Yes."

O'DONNELL: "You lived through the invasion of Afghanistan, the war in Afghanistan, the first chapter of what became two wars in the Middle East, including the Iraq war.

"You lived through all of that, and were not, as you put it... awakened into an interest in politics. How could those things pass through your life like this, and not spark any interest in politics, prior to the - Washington saying we think we want to help out some people who can't afford health insurance the way you can? Why would it - why would this be the thing that wakes you up, after you were - you were willing to just ignore politics as we went past 9/11 into Afghanistan, into Iraq?"

ABRAM: "Sure. Sure. I - I always seemed to have faith in the government. And, honestly, I didn't really care. I had other things going on, you know, getting married, having children. It just - it wasn't a priority in my life.

"And, you know, I really didn't start even watching the news at all, I think, until maybe 1991, I guess it was, when we first went to the Gulf War. I remember watching CNN with my dad and watching the infrared missiles going across that you could see. And I think it -to me -maybe I'm just not that smart, but, you know, it seems like we have kind of been at war for - since then. I mean or maybe even before. I don't know. It just always seems like we're - we're having some kind of conflict. So, that, you know, whether-about wars, I don't know. That just seems commonplace now. I think everybody's just so used to it. But you asked why - why - what has woken me up to - why I have woken up to get to this point."

O'DONNELL: "Well, let me actually - let me just go now to the - what-the question you actually put to Arlen Specter, which was, you said to him... what are you going to do to restore this country back to what our founders created, according to the Constitution?

"Let's just go through a checklist of what you think that would require. I assume that would require repealing Medicare, because that's a single-payer government-funded health care system, which is socialism. I agree with you, by the way. That is socialism. I think it's successful, practical, smart socialism, but it is definitely socialism. So, you would want to repeal that, wouldn't you?"

ABRAM: "I hate to have words put in my mouth. I mean, I - I honestly..."

O'DONNELL: "Well, the founding fathers did not anticipate Medicare. So, we can repeal that, can't we, in order to get back to what you think the founding fathers would have us do?"

ABRAM: "Yes, I think a lot of the programs that - that are in place were not supposed to be - were not supposed to be here."

So, you got that? She knows Obama said stuff before he became President because she heard about it on the tee-vee. We've been at war since 1991. She was kind of preoccupied during the Bush years, so the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, the financial collapse, the whole torture thing sort of escaped her. But now? HEALTH CARE REFORM HAS GOT 'ER ALL RILED UP! Let's strike all laws that weren't in the Constitution. While we're at it, let's bring back muskets and slavery and stop all this electricity nonsense.

Okay, let's give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure these folks are good people, good parents and howdy-do neighbors, no matter how ill-informed. Now, surely, their leaders, in an attempt to improve these people's outlook, would advise them to learn the facts, have level-headed discussions at various group functions and, most of all, embrace change as a way to strengthen this nation and improve the lives of its citizenry.

Naaaah. If you're a Republican in office, thoroughly P.O.'d about not being the majority party, you'll encourage these people to stay ignorant by spreading lies, distortions and warn about a government takeover. Tha'rs gonna be euthanasia, recess break free abortions, pre-assigned commie doctors, eugenic experiments, high taxes, the above-mentioned toilet paper lines and, of course, the takeover of your checking account. What does all this have to do with the facts? Nothing, but play along, here.

Republican waffle maker Mitch McConnell is totally against evil health care reform, although he's admitted he hasn't read any bill.

Louisiana Rep. David Vitter hasn't read anything, although he's in the opposition, because "I have a fundamental problem with any 1,000 page bills." Yeah. When they don't have game pages, it's a bitch.

Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe, who still doesn't believe in global warming, is also against reform, saying he doesn't have to read anything to know its bad. "I don't have to read it, or know what's in it. I'm going to oppose it anyways." Inhofe has also said that blocking health care reform would mean a "huge gain" for Republicans in 2010. How's that for our government inaction?

When everyone's favorite fabricator, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, raised the specter of government run "death panels" (on Facebook, no less) wiping out the aged and infirmed like the Grim Reaper, she was promptly smacked-down. This made her bring it up again, adding that the V.A. had a "death book" for sick GIs encouraging veterans to off themselves instead of seeking care. The end result was these two peas in a pod headlines: "Palin Doubles Down on Death Panels" and "Limbaugh Praises Palin's 'Intellectual Heft' On Death Panels." A "Dumb & Dumber" remake? If only.

Grinning Gomer and talk show smoothie Mike Huckabee said that, under Obama's health care program, Senator Ted Kennedy would have been urged to die.

Sen. Chuck Grassley, who is nobody's fool (perhaps EVERYbody's, but that's another story), decided to pour gasoline on the fire by declaring, "You have every right to fear... We should not have a government program that determines if you're going to pull the plug on grandma."

When it was pointed out to him that he was speaking out of an orifice usually reserved for Preparation H and that there was no such provision in any of the proposed health care bills, he blamed the uproar he caused on liberals.

Said Grassley, "Well, listen. I see that as nothing more than a distortion from the far left bringing up these end-of-life concerns, which are not the issues we ought to be talking about. We ought to be talking about government takeover of the health care system. We ought to be talking about the exploding deficits. We ought to be talking about the failure to get on top of high health care costs, and all of these things are in the Pelosi health care bill. And it seems to me they don't want to talk about the real issues."

Another nail in he coffin of the word "irony."

Grassley, who actually brought a copy of Glenn Beck's book "Common Sense" to a rally, fancies himself a bi-partisan mediator but said that he wouldn't vote for a bill he had a hand in creating if other Republicans wouldn't.

"I'm negotiating for Republicans," said Grassley, who is the Finance panel's ranking member. "If I can't negotiate something that gets more than four Republicans, I'm not a very good representative of my party."

When you get around to representing the American people, let us know there, cheezoid Chuckie.

Chuckie, who's into the Insurance lobby so deep he needs a periscope, also declared, "When you have the government running something, government is not a fair competitor. The government is a predator, not a competitor." (Wotta patriot!)

After two weeks of Preparation H applications, Chuck finally admitted that there were no provisions for "death panels" in any bill.

Dancing fool Tom DeLay declared that the bizarre anti-health reform antics were perfectly fine. In fact, the Lefties did the same to him. On "Hardball," he said, ""This has been going on forever. When I did my town hall meetings -- I'll never forget one back in the 80s, on health care, by the way. They brought in quadriplegics on gurneys and dumped them on the floor in front of my podium."

The only possible flaw in DeLay's assessment is that the above demonstration never happened. Plus, in order to revive his tarnished GOPee street cred, he tossed in a few "birther" demands, too, asking a slack-jawed Chris Matthews, "Would you ask the president to show me his gift certificate -- uh -- birth certificate?"

The GOP sent out a survey suggesting that, should health care reform pass, Republicans would be denied care.

Probably the most interesting voice of insanity has been Rep. Michele Bachmann, who spews sound bites the way Linda Blair did pea soup in "The Exorcist." In the past two weeks alone, she has called for everything from revolution to prayer shawls.

Together with South Carolina's Sen. Jim DeMint(ia) she advised conservative governors not to obey any health reform laws. "We'd have to see some fairly revolutionary action taken by these states," she opined.

She also declared "Under no circumstances will I give the government control over my body." (Uh, especially since you're having so many problems with the mouth-brain connection as is.)

She stated that the battle against health care would be won "On our knees in prayer and fasting."

My personal favorite is her plan to bring a brotherhood of anti-reform folks together via a primitive ritual, gone horribly wrong. "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing."

Here's hoping she and her followers do just that (Make sure to make the razor cut vertical and not horizontal, sweetie. You'll be a lot bloodier brothers that way.) As someone who has become a blood brother through pricking a finger or slitting one's palm and then shaking hands with a person's similarly slit outstretched hand, I can say that I'm really impressed with Bachmann's one-off method. It represents the Grand Guignol wing of the GOP.

Now, that takes care of the fear and ignorance factor of the debate. How about a little racism? Well, Rex Rammell an Idaho Republican gubernatorial candidate thought it was funny when he said he'd buy a license to hunt President Obama. Although, later, he clarified, "I would never support him being assassinated." That's mighty white of you, Rex.

Arizona Rep. Trent Franks said, before the election, he came within three days of launching a lawsuit against Obama, forcing him to prove his citizenship. Why? He was "terrified" of Obama.

Kansas Rep. Lynn Jenkins said the only salvation of the Republican Party would be in the finding of "A Great White Hope."

In Florida, the head of the state GOP, Jim Greer, is denouncing Obama's address to school children next week as an attempt to indoctrinate the children in Obama's ideology. GOP flack Katie Gordon told "Talking Points Memo," "Students can't pray in school, but they can discuss new ideas and actions that the President is challenging them to think about. Well, I know that a lot of the President's ideas don't reflect my values and don't reflect the values that I would be teaching my children. And to be quite honest, there are a lot of the President's ideas that I wouldn't want my children discussing in a public school. It's not appropriate, the place for that is in the home."

Right-wing web sites like Worldnetdaily and Americanfreepress have been telling readers that Obama's government has purchased 30,000 guillotines to behead its critics. If there are more critics than blades, the government is also constructing concentration camps for its detractors. Man, Obama's guys think of everything.

So, why is everyone surprised when someone shows up at a demonstration holding signs reading "Death To Obama" and "Death To Michelle and her two stupid kids?"

For its part, the MSM has been covering these exercises in paranoia as if they were the product of a concerted political movement. They're not. They're a product of traditional fears being amped-up and directed by those who get off and profit from pulling the strings, including those of the right-wing persuasion in the MSM.

How else do you explain CNBC's Maria Bartiromo asking 44-year-old Rep. Anthony Weiner: "If Medicare's so good, why aren't you on it?!!!" Uh, because he's only 44? Just a guess, ditz.

These are scary times, folks. They're also stupid times. After health care, there will be another GOP cherry-picked Obama policy to compare to either Nazi Germany or Krakatoa. Bet on it.

And there will always be protestors like the one wearing a goatee and sporting big ol' shades who held up a pocket copy of the U.S. Constitution and declared: "Right here. I got a book here called the 'U.S.S. Constitution.' I'm sure everybody's seen this before. And you know what? I've read this book three times now, and I've referenced it dozens of times and I can't find one little paragraph in here that says the government has the right to take over our health care."

What can you call a guy who holds "Old Ironsides" in his hand for scrutiny? Ignoramus? Wouldn't faze him. He'd have to look it up. And, to look it up, he'd have to know how to spell it. Which, in turn, would lead us to the topic of raising the standards of the American Education System which is, of course, a socialist/facist/Nazi plot to enslave and indoctrinate our children into a state of, uh, smartness.

Morans.

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