Enough is enough

Yang Xiao Long (Fireballin17)

to me | 9:43 AM (5 hours ago)

You know the worst part about putting something off? Especially something that you don't have, like, a serious deadline on? The worst part is when you've put it off for so long that thinking about it makes you guilty. So you avoid thinking about the thing you haven't done, which makes you put it off more. Then, of course, the more you put it off, the more you think about how you're affecting other people. The people who care about you, the people who are relying on you or who are waiting on you. That just makes the guilt worse. So you shove it down and down and down, but every time you brush against it, every time you think about it even a little bit, it sends this jagged edge of regret and guilt shooting through you until you can shove it away again. So you start avoiding the things related to the thing you haven't done because those start to hurt too. You start thinking in big meandering circles and doing mental gymnastics just so you don't hurt yourself anymore. But it doesn't help, because you can't really control what you think about, and every so often it creeps back in and gets you when you're least expecting it.

I burned myself the other day.

Ruby called. I guess she got worried after three months of no communication. I was cooking on a hot stove when she did and it startled me so much that I burned myself. It hurt like hell, and hurt even more after I iced it. Apparently you're not supposed to do that. It's my right arm, my thumb and wrist mostly. It blistered up after an hour or so and I still can't really move anything without it stinging. Turns out, when physical pain overlaps with emotional pain, it gets a lot harder to ignore. For the last day and a half, I've had this steady reminder of everything I'm putting off. Coming home. Seeing you. Trying to be sober without Raven watching over me.

It hasn't been easy. In three months, I've already relapsed twice. I don't know if I trust myself alone on the road, much less trust that I'll manage when I get home. I'm scared that after everything we've done, and everything we've said to each other, I'll just end up being a burden on you. Or dad. Or Ruby. And while I'm in Chicago, I'm not a burden on anyone. Not even on Raven since I've started bartending for her to make up my share of rent and food.

I hate how scared I am. I don't even recognize myself right now. I'm supposed to be able to take charge, to put myself out there, to accept any challenge. I've always seen myself as a risk-taker, a thrill seeker. But after everything this last year I just feel...used up. Burned out.

More puns, ha ha.

Is this just what growing up is? Realizing where the lines we can't cross are? Finding our own limitations? I've never wanted to be tied down before, but now, the only time in my life I've felt truly free, I'm fucking miserable. I'm miserable, and guilty and I miss you so much it feels like it's tearing a hole in my chest.

So I'm risking it. I've already made up my mind. I'm leaving, tonight I think, so I have some time to gather my things and say goodbye to Raven. I've been putting it off for too long. I told you I wanted to be there for you, and I haven't yet. So it's time to fucking do something for a change instead of just talking about it.

I love you. I'm thinking about you.

I'll let you know what I see on the road.

Tell the world that I'm coming home.

Sent from: Chicago Illinois