THE HAPPINESS PATROL
PART TWO
Run time: 24:48
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Kandy Kitchen
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Kandyman: Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen.
The Doctor: I'm sure the pleasure's all ours.
Kandyman: I do hope so. I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces.
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Street
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Ace: Evil. What's going on here?
Daisy: It's of no consequence.
Ace: I'd say they look rather upset about something.
Daisy: They're fools. They think they will achieve something with their march.
Ace: Demonstration? Wicked.
Daisy: All they will achieve is their extinction.
Ace: So Helen A doesn't allow demos. I could have guessed as much.
Daisy: Of course she allows demos. These are killjoys, and worse than that, they're drones.
Ace: Drones?
Daisy: Workers from the flatlands. It's forbidden for them to enter the city. That's why they'll never leave it alive.
Ace: You're scared of them, aren't you. Up the killjoys!
Ace: Gordon Bennett. Mmph!
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Kandy Kitchen
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Kandyman: This is where you come in, gentlemen. The interesting part. The tasting.
The Doctor: May we enquire what it is?
Kandyman: Ah, a labour of love, Doctor. A labour of love.
The Doctor: I didn't know you were the caring type.
Kandyman: Just because Helen A prefers my ugly side doesn't mean I don't care, does it, Gilbert M? Gilbert M!
Gilbert: Oh, no, of course not.
Kandyman: Thank you. And just because she employs me as her executioner doesn't mean I can't be creative. No need to worry, gentlemen. Tonight you see before you the artistic, sensitive side of me. So I make sweets. Not just any old sweets, but sweets that are so good, so delicious that sometimes, if I'm on form, the human physiology is not equipped to bear the pleasure. Tell them what I've tried to say, Gilbert.
Gilbert: He makes sweets that kill people.
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Waiting zone
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Ace: Wotcher. Like your new prison.
Priscilla: On Terra Alpha there...
Ace: Yeah, yeah, on Terra Alpha you don't have prisons.
Priscilla: We have the Waiting zone instead, and the Waiting zone moves to different places in the city according to the time of night.
Ace: Waiting zone? Who are you kidding?
Priscilla: Some people don't have to wait in the Waiting zone for very long.
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Kandy Kitchen
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Kandyman: Now, let's see what we've got for you.
The Doctor: Before you start, there is something I wanted to ask you about that's been worrying me. It's the executions.
Kandyman: What about them?
The Doctor: Well, out there, people don't seem to know what method you use. I was intrigued.
Kandyman: I didn't realise you were conceding an interest in the mechanics of execution, Doctor. A man after my own soft centre.
The Doctor: I was just curious.
Kandyman: The secret's in the pipes. Vanilla secret tomorrow night, I think. Just when the victim thinks he's been pardoned it flows into the yard and smothers him. It's ingenious, isn't it.
The Doctor: Depraved.
Kandyman: We call it Fondant Surprise.
The Doctor: Is there any way of stopping it once it starts moving?
Kandyman: The foam can be diverted down another pipe, but I'm not going to tell you how. Anyway, it's a hypothetical question. What reason could I possibly have for stopping an execution?
The Doctor: Er, you said soft centre?
Kandyman: Did I?
The Doctor: Yes, you said soft centre instead of heart. What is your heart made of?
Kandyman: Difficult to say. It's all in there somewhere. Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents, it's all in motion.
The Doctor: Ah! A movable feast, eh?
Kandyman: Very droll, Doctor.
The Doctor: So you're perfectly adapted to your environment.
Kandyman: Perfectly.
The Doctor: Protected against everything. That is, except from the intense heat from that open oven behind you.
Kandyman: What!
The Doctor: I said, protected against everything except for the intense heat from the open oven behind you.
Kandyman: Silence!
The Doctor: And, of course, the adhesive effect of carbonated H2O and citric acid. Lemonade, to you.
Kandyman: Gilbert! Gilbert, where are you?
Kandyman: Gilbert, come here! Gilbert. Gilbert! Gilbert, they're getting away from here! You'll be sorry!
The Doctor: Sweet dreams.
Kandyman: Gilbert!
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Pipe
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Kandyman (O.C.): Gilbert! Gilbert!
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Waiting zone
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Priscilla: What's this?
Ace: I'll show you. Just trying to be friendly.
Priscilla: This is some kind of an explosive device. I used to work with explosives when I was in Happiness Patrol B, the anti-terrorist squad. We worked the night shift. I like working late at night.
Ace: Not interested.
Priscilla: Night times are when they come out.
Ace: Who?
Priscilla: The killjoys. Depressives, manic reactive endogenous. We got them. All of them.
Ace: What do you mean, got them?
Priscilla: They disappeared.
Ace: You make me sick.
Priscilla: I did a good job, and then they put me on this. It's not fair. I know the streets. I'm a fighter.
Ace: No, you're not. You're a killer.
Susan: Yes, she is.
Priscilla: I am what I am.
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Pipe
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The Doctor: It's crystallised sugar. This pipe must have carried some sort of syrup. What do you think?
Earl: Not good, but I have tasted the real thing.
The Doctor: So it's certainly past its best, so we can assume that nothing's been pumped down here for some time. I wonder why? How would you describe the Kandyman's confection?
Earl: It can only be the work of a schizophrenic obsessive.
The Doctor: Ah, yeah. Delicious.
The Doctor: Wait until we're in another section.
Earl: Why are you whispering?
The Doctor: There's tons of crystallised syrup above us.
Earl: Ah, any sudden noise could cause it to collapse.
The Doctor: Not any noise, just certain noises.
Earl: That's reassuring.
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Kandy Kitchen
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Kandyman: Where have you been?
Gilbert: Ingredients.
Kandyman: Leaving me to be humiliated. They'll suffer for this.
Gilbert: Anything you say, Kandyman.
Kandyman: You'll pay for this. I'm going to crush you.
Gilbert: That's it, scream and shout, rant and rave. But remember this, Kandyman. Symbiosis. You need me and I need me.
Kandyman: You need you?
Gilbert: I need me.
Kandyman: I need you and you need you.
Gilbert: That's right. And just as you're squeezing the breath out of me, your candy hand tightens round your own throat.
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Pipe
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The Doctor: Oh look. Some sort of footprint.
Earl: I wonder what kind of creature could have caused that?
The Doctor: Their kind of creature.
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Waiting zone
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Ace: It's all my fault. You'd have been all right if you hadn't met me.
Susan: It would have happened sooner or later. I'm not Helen A's idea of good Happiness Patrol material. She won't shed any tears over me. Let's face it, no one will. Even if they wanted to, they wouldn't be allowed.
Ace: But what now?
Susan: Well, I'll just disappear like the rest of them. Just another of Helen A's victims.
Ace: I won't let it happen. We'll escape. I'll save you.
Susan: Don't worry. I'm happy that it's finally over. It's funny, that, isn't it. It's the first thing I've been happy about for ages.
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Pipe
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Wences: Back! Weapons.
The Doctor: No weapons. Just a brolly.
Wulfric: Weapons!
Wences: Weapons!
Earl: Easy, easy.
Wences: Wicked.
The Doctor: What did you say?
Wences: Wicked.
Earl: He's hip for a little guy.
The Doctor: He's been taking lessons. So you've met my friend Ace?
Wences: Not Ace.
Wulfric: Brave girl.
Wences: Captive.
The Doctor: That sounds like Ace. Brave girl, captive. If only she'd listen to what I tell her.
Wences: Not Ace, Gordon.
The Doctor & Earl: Gordon?
Wences: Bennett.
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Helen A's office
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Helen: Happiness will prevail. Happiness Patrol section C please stand by for the first stage of a routine disappearance. And don't forget, when you smile, I want to see those teeth.
Helen: I think I'll let you handle this one.
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Waiting zone
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Priscilla: Time for you to go.
Ace: Leave her alone!
Susan: I'm not ready.
Priscilla: No one ever is.
Priscilla: Steady.
Susan: Just let me say goodbye to my friend, please.
Priscilla: Why? What's the point? Take her away.
Ace: Just one question. How do you live with yourself?
Priscilla: She was never any good. She never had the right attitude. She never joined in. She wasn't part of the team.
Ace: She was my friend!
Wences: Ace!
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Pipe
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Earl: What's wrong with these little guys?
The Doctor: Well, they may not look like it, but they're on the edge of starvation. No sugar in the pipes.
Earl: Why can't they live on the surface?
The Doctor: They used to, but they were driven down here by human settlers.
Earl: By us?
The Doctor: Yes, us. Ah, here we are. Seventh manhole on the right. I'll go first. It's been a privilege. We shall return.
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Street
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Trevor: Name?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. Have we met?
Trevor: I'm sorry, that's classified information.
The Doctor: You're Trevor Sigma, aren't you.
Trevor: Galactic Census Bureau. I ask the questions.
The Doctor: You ask the questions?
Trevor: I'm sorry, that's classified information. Address?
The Doctor: Which one?
Trevor: If you live here, I need a town and street. If you're an alien, I need a home planet except when you spend more than half the working year away, in which case I need a planet of origin.
The Doctor: That's classified information. Name?
Trevor: What?
The Doctor: I ask the questions.
The Doctor: Name?
Trevor: Trevor Sigma.
The Doctor: Address?
Trevor: Galactic Centre.
Earl: What's happening, Doc?
The Doctor: Questionnaire. Occupation?
Trevor: Galactic Census Bureau, authorised to enter all Alphan property and to interview all Alphans.
The Doctor: Good. Take me to the leader.
Earl: Got places to go, Doctor.
The Doctor: I'll find you later.
Earl: How?
The Doctor: The brandy of the damned.
Earl: Oh, the blues. You're a nice guy, Doctor, but a little weird.
The Doctor: Enough of the little.
Trevor: That's nice. It makes me feel sort of, er, sort of, er...
The Doctor: Melancholy?
Trevor: Yes, that's it. A pleasant melancholy.
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Helen A's office
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Helen: Priscilla P was overpowered by a defenceless girl and a vermin. Is it a joke, Daisy K?
Daisy: No, ma'am.
Helen: Oh, what a shame. I enjoy a good joke. Where did this guerilla unit disappear to after they had dealt with Priscilla P?
Daisy: They went down the pipes.
Helen: Ah, the pipes. Excellent! Fifi's been eating far too many chocolates lately, haven't you, my darling. She could do with a bit of sport.
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Street
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David: Here we are. Look at that.
Alex: I can't believe we're doing this again.
David: The mark three.
Alex: Roof duty.
David: The prototype for the mark four must be ready, for the women.
Alex: Don't see any women doing roof duty. Women always get the better jobs.
David: Women always get the best guns.
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Pipe
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Ace: Nice pipes. Reminds me of Perivale.
Wences: Nice.
Ace: Not that nice.
Wences: Own bed.
Ace: Careful with that can or we'll end up as grafitti.
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Helen A's home
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Joseph: Will you come this way, gentlemen? It's Trevor Sigma, dear, and er.
Helen: I'm glad to see you again, Trevor. I don't think I've had the pleasure.
The Doctor: It's no pleasure, I can assure you.
Helen: How very kind.
Joseph: Are you with the Bureau as well?
The Doctor: I'm sorry, that's classified information. I understand you're responsible for this planet?
Helen: We do our best.
The Doctor: And is it a happy planet?
Helen: I think you'll find everyone on Terra Alpha is very happy.
The Doctor: Some people on Terra Alpha are very difficult to find.
Helen: Well, I'm sure that Trevor Sigma will sniff them out for you, won't you, Trevor.
The Doctor: I'm sorry, he's not allowed to answer that.
Helen: I'm glad that you're here, Trevor. I wanted to tell you that I have adopted the Bureau's recommendations on population control.
The Doctor: Which were?
Helen: To control it. We have controlled the population down by seventeen percent.
The Doctor: I'm sure you have.
Helen: Over crowding has been quite eliminated.
Joseph: No more queues at the Post Office.
The Doctor: And did you use the Bureau's programme?
Helen: Not quite. I found my own programme to be more effective.
Helen: Oh, if you will excuse me, gentlemen. Joseph C will take care of you.
Joseph: I say, Trevor, do we have to go through with this census business? Things haven't changed much since you were last here.
Trevor: Full planetary census every six local cycles. That is the rule.
Joseph: Oh, very well. A splash of lemonade and I'll show you the Floral Clock. What about er? Is he coming?
The Doctor: He can't. He has a prior engagement.
Trevor: Where are you going?
The Doctor: Remember, Trevor, I ask the questions.
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Helen A's office
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Helen: Routine disappearance number five hundred thousand and five. Calling Happiness Patrol section C. Preparations are now complete. Stand by to escort killjoy into execution yard. Happiness will prevail!
The Doctor: Population control?
Helen: Look, who are you?
The Doctor: And which member of the population are you controlling today, just for the record.
Helen: A woman who disappointed me.
The Doctor: And how did she disappoint you, eh? Oh, no, no, don't answer, no, no. She enjoyed the feel of rain upon her face. Or perhaps her favourite season was the autumn.
Helen: You talk too much, whoever you are.
The Doctor: Was that question?
Helen: No.
The Doctor: Good. I'm the Doctor. Still no luck? I'd have that seen to if I were you.
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Helen A's home
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Joseph: A touch more lemonade?
The Doctor: Ah, thank you.
Joseph: Strange chap.
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Pipe
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Wences: There.
Ace: Where?
Ace: Which way? Gordon Bennett. The Nitro, quick. The can! Keep down.
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Kandy Kitchen
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Kandyman: What's affected me? Help me!
Gilbert: It's quite simple. Created as you are out of glucose based substances, your joints need constant movement to avoid coagulation.
Kandyman: What do you mean?
Gilbert: You're turning into a slab of toffee. I saw this at the planning stage, and then I realised what the solution was.
Kandyman: What's that?
Gilbert: I've forgotten.
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Street
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The Doctor: That sounds like a three star brandy to me.
Earl: Hey, Doc. There's a demonstration. Workers from the sugar factory striking over Happiness Patrol murders.
The Doctor: Ooo, I'd like to talk to them.
Earl: It's too dangerous. They're pinned down by a couple of snipers.
The Doctor: Oh dear, I'd better hurry. I've got to get to the Kandy Kitchen.
Earl: Not the Kandy Kitchen.
The Doctor: Don't worry, I'll deal with the snipers.
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Roof
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David: Pick your gun up.
Alex: Why? There's no one there.
David: You're right. They've all gone to ground.
Alex: I don't mind. Good luck to them.
David: Shut it. Wait a minute. There's one. It's all right, I'll have him. Just let him get a little closer.
Alex: Wait, he's not a drone.
David: He's fair game, and you're heading that way. All right, come on. Come and say hello.
The Doctor: Hello.
David: Get back or I'll use the gun.
The Doctor: Yes, I imagine you will. You like guns, don't you.
David: This is a specialised weapon. It's designed for roof duty, designed for long range. I've never used one up close before.
Alex: Let him go.
David: No.
The Doctor: No. In fact, let him come a little closer.
David: Stay where you are.
The Doctor: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the gun.
David: That's right.
The Doctor: You like guns, don't you.
Alex: He'll kill you.
The Doctor: Of course he will. That's what guns are for. Pull the trigger, end a life. Simple, isn't it.
David: Yes.
The Doctor: Makes sense, doesn't it.
David: Yes.
The Doctor: A life killing life.
Alex: Who are you?
The Doctor: Shut up. Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye, pull the trigger, end my life. Why not?
David: I can't.
The Doctor: Why not?
David: I don't know.
The Doctor: No, you don't, do you.
The Doctor: Throw away your gun.
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Execution yard
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Daisy: And so you have been sentenced to the severest penalty decreed by Helen A.
Susan: I'm glad.
Daisy: I'm happy you're glad. Patrol! Dismissed.
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Helen A's office
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Helen: Excellent. The Fondant Surprise.
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Kandy Kitchen
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Gilbert: We seem to have an execution. Shall I oblige, since you appear to be bogged down?
Kandyman: Just get me unstuck.
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Pipe
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Wences: No!
Ace: Come on, what're you moaning about now?
Wences: Fondant.
Ace: Move it.
Wences: Move it.
Ace: Move it.
Wences: Move it.
Ace: Move it.
Wences: (???)
Ace: (???) Why didn't you say?
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Kandy Kitchen
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The Doctor: Kandyman, don't let the Happiness Patrol see you looking like that. A big smile, please.
Kandyman: Unstick me.
The Doctor: I'll unstick you if you divert the flow.
Kandyman: It's a deal.
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Helen A's office
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Helen: Come on, come on.
Joseph: It's Trevor here. He has a few questions to ask you.
Helen: Not now.
Helen: They'll suffer for this, and only when they're screaming to go back under the pipe will I oblige.
Trevor: No.
Helen: What?
Trevor: You can't.
Helen: What do you mean?
Trevor: Constitutional rules of the system. When the mechanics of an execution malfunction, the aforesaid execution may not be repeated.
Joseph: Oh dear, what a nuisance.
Helen: So now they're protected from the Fondant Surprise.
Trevor: Rules of the system.
Helen: Rules of the system?
Trevor: Which further go on to say that an alternative execution may be substituted.
Helen: Fine.
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Kandy Kitchen
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Kandyman: So you trusted me, then, Doctor.
The Doctor: Of course.
Kandyman: Very wise. I am a Kandyman of my word, but now our bargain is over. It's time to kill you.
The Doctor: I thought you might have said that.
The Doctor: Oh well, here we go again.
Kandyman: No! Gilbert! Gilbert! Gilbert, where are you!
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Helen A's office
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Helen: You were very lucky just now.
Ace: I'm not frightened of you.
Helen: No? You're going to audition for the Late Show at the Forum.
Ace: The Late Show?
Susan: It's the Happiness Patrol auditions.
Ace: But you're in the Happiness Patrol already.
Helen: Not any more. Joseph!
Joseph: A big smile, dear.
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Forum Square
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Earl: It's been a quiet night.
The Doctor: Yes, well, it's been a busy one for me.
Earl: So what now?
The Doctor: I've lost my friend Ace.
The Doctor: I think I know where to find her.
The Doctor: When's the show open?
Doorman: In five minutes. You'll catch it if you're quick.
The Doctor: Five minutes? Why are they only putting the posters up now?
Doorman: They're just for appearances. We always have a full house because attendance is compulsory.
The Doctor: Run and get the demonstrators and bring them to the Forum.
Earl: What if they don't want to come?
The Doctor: You'll find a way. I'll meet you here later.
Earl: Right.
The Doctor: I want to find out if there's an artist appearing in the Forum tonight.
Doorman: I'll just have a look at my list.
The Doctor: Her name is Ace.
Doorman: I can't do anything till I find my list, now can I?
Doorman: Oh dear. Doesn't look like Daphne S went down too well, now does it?
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who escapes the Kandyman? A: Ace; Q: Who meets the Pipe People? A: her life; Q: What is Ace fleeing for? A: the Happiness Patrol; Q: What is Ace selected to audition for? Summary: The Doctor escapes the Kandyman while Ace meets the Pipe People. Later, fleeing for her life, she is captured and selected to audition for the Happiness Patrol.