Act 1
Scene 1 - KACL Fade in. Frasier is on the air.
Frasier: Thank you for your call, Lorraine. And now, before we break for a commercial, Roz has an important message. Roz?
He looks over, but Roz isn't in her booth. Frasier sits for a moment, then speaks up.
Frasier: What's that, Roz? Can't come to the mike right now? Well, what she wanted to say was...
He gets up, leans over and tries to read the notice through the connecting window.
Frasier: Tomorrow, on Amber Edwards's "Book Chat," sociologist Lamont Myman discusses his book, "Violence in the Workplace: Why Co-Workers Kill." Something which becomes more relevant With each passing moment. We'll be right back after these messages.
CUT TO: the hallway. Roz is pounding on the candy machine and yelling. Frasier comes out.
Roz: Cough it up, you piece of tin!
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: What are you doing out here?
Frasier: One might ask the same question of you. Isn't it customary to wait until the show comes to a complete stop before exiting?
Roz: I have a little urge. [She pounds on the machine again.] Damn it!
Frasier: What is the matter with you?
Roz: [rocking the machine] I have GOT to have some CHOCOLATE! It's kind of a celebration. At 11:07 this morning, I finished one of those magazine diets: Seven Days to a Healthier, Calmer You.
She shoves her hands in the drop part of the machine, Frasier comes up and grabs her.
Frasier: Now, Roz. Come on, come on, Roz, come on. Look, I'm doing this for your own good.
He pulls her away and she kicks the machine.
Roz: Wait! Something came out. [She reaches in and grabs it.] Oh, damn! Chocolate covered raisins.
She heads back to her booth, Frasier following.
Roz: I'd like to meet the idiot that came up with these. Take a grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart and cover it with perfectly good chocolate. [She rips the package open.] What the hell. I'll just suck the chocolate off.
Frasier: Be sure to save what's left, maybe you can make some wine.
He goes back to his side, Niles comes into Roz's booth. He stares at her for a few moments as she sucks the chocolate off and spits the raisins into a paper cup. She finally notices him.
Niles: See all those years of finishing school really paid off. She spits a raisin at him as he ducks into Frasier's booth.
Niles: Mon frere?
Frasier: Hmm?
Niles: We're in luck!
He hops up on the console and a piercing tone erupts. He desperately stabs at the buttons, until Frasier hits one on his console to shut it off. Niles carefully eases up on the console.
Niles: I've just come back from my broker. Meadow Wood Properties still has one share left in that mini-mall deal, I think we should go halfsies and buy it. Give me five, bro.
Frasier: I'm not giving you anything. I told you I'm not interested.
Niles: You can't afford not to be interested. It's a twelve percent return. We've a chance to make a real killing here.
Roz comes in.
Frasier: Niles, why is it so important to you? You and Maris are already wallowing in money like a couple of yuppie hogs.
Niles: This has nothing to do Maris. I'm making this investment entirely with my own money.
Frasier: And mine!
Niles: And yours!
Roz: Oh, come on, Frasier, show some understanding. Maris uses her money to emasculate the poor guy, and this is his pathetic attempt to stop feeling like a financial eunuch and regain some shred of his former manhood. [giving Niles the once-over] Such as it was.
Niles: [un-offended, to Frasier] Well?
Frasier: Twelve percent?
Niles: Net! And, if you're unhappy at the end of the year, I'll buy you out and you can go back to that cozy two percent your bank is giving you.
Frasier: Okay, okay. I'm in.
Niles: Oh, thank you Frasier!
He shakes Frasier's hand, then follows Roz to her side.
Niles: And thank you, Roz. That "financial eunuch" bit was inspired. Great stuff, great stuff.
Roz: Yeah, well, look what I had to work with.
Niles makes a little "Well, right" toss of his head and leaves.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SCENT OF A WOMAN
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting at the table, clipping coupons. Frasier is standing nearby.
Martin: Hey, check this baby out: twenty-five cents off on a package of Butter Buds imitation utter.
Frasier: My, I can taste that scampi now.
He goes to throw some paper away. Daphne comes in from her room wearing a red, oriental style dress.
Daphne: Well? Martin lets out a wolf whistle.
Frasier: Well, Daphne, very nice.
Daphne: Thank you.
Frasier: No, thank YOU.
Daphne: I'd be more flattered if I didn't know how hard up you both are right now. I'm going out with Derek again tonight. But I'm having trouble choosing a fragrance. I've got it pinned down to these two. [she sprays one] "Heather" - fresh and bouncy as a spring morning, or [she sprays the other] "Forbidden" - your passport to erotic realms of pleasure.
Martin and Frasier smell them.
Martin: How many times you been out with this guy?
Daphne: This is our third date.
Martin and Frasier share a look and -
Both: Forbidden. Daphne sprays some in the air and walks into it.
Daphne: Why is it so important this is our third date?
Frasier: [going to the couch and sitting down] Well, Daphne, sexual mores being what they are in America, the third date is usually the place where two healthy adults decide whether or not to... take it to the next level.
Daphne: Excuse me?! What kind of a randy custom is that? First date, second date, whoops, let's all pitch our knickers?!
The doorbell rings and she heads for the door.
Daphne: The third date may mean that to you Americans, [She opens the door to reveal Niles.] but it takes more than three dinners to get bangers and mash with Daphne Moon.
Niles is a little stunned.
Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne. You look even lovelier than usual this evening.
Daphne: Thank you.
He comes in, then sniffs the air. He turns around and gets closer to her to get a good whiff.
Niles: Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word!
Daphne: [heading for her room] I think I'll just scrub me neck with an unscented soap. If you ask me, you Americans have an unhealthy obsession with s*x.
Martin: Hey, I'm sorry we can't all be as chaste and restrained as the Royal Family.
Daphne turns and gives him a look, the goes to her room. Martin gets up and heads for his.
Frasier: [laughing] Good one, Dad!
Martin: I've been savin' it!
He exits to the hallway.
Niles: Frasier, I come bearing good news. I just spoke to my broker: Meadow Wood Properties has already leased eighty-five percent of the space in the proposed mini-mall. Instead of twelve percent, they are projecting a fifteen percent return on our money!
Frasier: This is fantastic! What say we go celebrate with a nice dinner at an exclusive boite?
Niles: Yes, but the question remains, what boite?
Frasier: Charise?
Niles: Too noisy.
Frasier: Alsace?
Niles: Too bright.
Frasier: Papillion?
Niles: Too crowded.
Frasier: We've run out of boites.
Niles: A city this size and only three boites.
Frasier: How do we live?
Martin: [coming from his room] Hey, I'm goin' down to Duke's. What are you guys doin'?
Frasier: Well, we're trying to find some place to eat.
Martin: Well, when you get through, why don't you swing by and have a beer with me?
The boys look stunned and stand up.
Frasier: At Duke's?
Martin: Yeah.
Niles: Us?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: With you?
Martin: What am I speaking, Swahili? Yeah! You two. At Duke's. With me. A beer. If you want. Geez!
He leaves and the boys, stunned, sit down on the couch in unison.
Niles: My God, do you believe that?
Frasier: No. No one in the family's ever been invited to Duke's.
Niles: Not even Mother, and there were times she could be quite the old rummy.
They thoughtfully rub their chins, again in unison. Daphne comes from her room and gets her coat.
Frasier: I wonder why now, after thirty years, he's suddenly inviting us down there.
Daphne: Cheerio.
Frasier: Daphne, Daphne. Has Dad said anything to you about us and Duke's? Has he been planning this?
Daphne: You mean... behind your backs?
Niles: Precisely.
Daphne: No! What a couple of Wallys! I mean, I have never met a family that worked so hard at being uncomfortable with each other. Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: [standing up] No. Duke's is where Dad hangs up with his cop buddies. Where he goes to escape the stresses, strains and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.
Daphne: Well, I suppose you could sit around here analyzing why he invited you and end up frittering the night away. Or, here's
a thought: you could just go down there and find out for yourselves.
She leaves.
Frasier: You know, for a lay person, she has a way of cuttin' right through the crap, doesn't she?
[SCENE_BREAK]
WHERE NOBODY KNOWS
THEIR NAMES
Scene 3 - Duke's Fade in. There is a neon sign flashing "Duke's". We pan across the bar to see a room full of working class men drinking, smoking and talking. Martin is at the bar talking with friends. Frasier and Niles enter and look around.
Niles: Oh, my God, it's a room full of Dads.
Frasier: Oh, look, there he is, there he is! Oh, look at him, holding court. No wonder he likes it down here so much, they're all hanging on his every word.
Martin and the others break up laughing.
Niles: Wow, that's the most fun I've ever seen him have without a remote control in his hands.
Martin: Hey, Frasier, Niles! I'm glad you could make it. Yeah, come on in, I want you to meet some of the guys I was on the force with. Hey guys, these are my boys. This is Frasier, he's on the radio.
Joe: [yelling] Hey, this is Marty's kid, the guy on the radio!
Everyone cheers and shakes his hand. Niles looks a bit put out at being ignored.
Joe: Hey, Frasier. Joe Herman. Nice to meet you. Hey, check this out. "I'm listening."
Frasier: [humoring him] It's like hearing a recording of myself.
Niles: [pulling on Martin's sleeve] Dad? Dad, Dad.
Martin: What? Oh, yeah, and this is my other son, Niles. He's a psychiatrist, too. [No response.] He married money!
Everyone yells "All right!" and "Way to go!" Niles takes the attention happily.
Martin: Hey, Duke. Duke, come on, I want you to meet my boys. Yeah, this is Frasier, and this is Niles.
Duke: Hey, how are ya? Hey, how about a couple of Duke's Specials for you guys?
Niles: And what would those be?
Duke: Boilermaker. A shot of whiskey, beer back.
Niles: Oh, darn, we've been drinking those all night. Maybe it's time we switched to sherry. [off Martin and Frasier's looks] Two boilermakers, please.
Duke: It's great finally meetin' you guys. Martin's been tellin' us about you since you were kids.
Frasier: Aw, Dad.
Duke: I tell you Frasier, we all felt terrible when you heard your wife was screwin' around behind your back. What was her name again?
Everyone: Lilith!
Frasier glares at Martin who looks a bit uncomfortable.
Martin: Hey, it was a slow night, all right?! [He grabs his beer and goes out on the floor.] All right, all right everybody, settle down here, settle down. I wanna make a toast. For thirty years, Duke's has been my home away from home. I look around here tonight and I see a lot of friends, and I wanna say I'm gonna miss you. And I'm gonna miss this joint too. And may there be a special place in hell for those SOBs who are tearin' it down to build some damn mini-mall.
Frasier and Niles look a bit uncomfortable.
Everyone: Yeah!
Martin: Those snivelling, rat-face bastards from Meadow Wood Properties!
Everyone: Yeah!
Martin: To Duke's!
Everyone: To Duke's!
Frasier and Niles toss back their whiskeys and slam the glasses on the bar.
Frasier: Two more!
[SCENE_BREAK]
End of Act 1 Act 2
Scene 1 - Café Nervosa Fade in. Niles and Frasier are sitting at the bookcase table.
Niles: Did you talk to your lawyer?
Frasier: Yes, he's examined the contract. Our checks have cleared. I even talked to the general partner, he says there's no way they're willing to even consider moving the site. The deal's going through.
Niles: Maybe we could have Duke's declared a historical landmark, it's been there forty years.
Frasier: I doubt that, Niles. They already tore down Seattle's first Pony Express office to build this place.
He taps the table.
Niles: Damn! Roz comes over with coffees.
Roz: Here you go, guys, one cappuccino, one latte, and hey, these are on me.
Frasier: Oh!
Niles: This guilt is driving me crazy.
Roz: It should, you make about ten times more than I do.
Niles: Duke's was his whole life.
Frasier: Well, Niles, there's nothing we can do about it, really. You know, look at it this way: we're actually doing Dad a service, stopping him from going out and drinking. And the other policemen as well. Maybe we're even performing a community service. Men with guns will have one less place to go and liquor up.
Niles: There's always Roz's place.
Roz: Well, what do you say about me when I'm not around?
Niles: I think the only way I'm going to feel better is if I just bite the bullet and tell Dad.
Roz: The way I see it, your situation is like a woman who has one crazy night and cheats on her boyfriend. And the only reason for this woman to confess is to make herself feel better. So, the best thing she can do is just keep her mouth shut. Unless, of course, her boyfriend walks in on her and the other guy because he decides to come home from Portland on the midnight flight instead of driving back like he said he would, so in that case, he's the liar and why should she feel bad?!
Frasier: Thank you, Roz, for that purely theoretical example. Fact is, I happen to agree with you. Niles, if we tell him now, it will only hurt him. We've got to keep this quiet.
Niles: All right, I just don't think it can be done.
Frasier: Of course it can be done!
Niles: You mean to say, you can look Dad in the eye, day after day, knowing you have destroyed his sanctuary, and not tell him? You can live with that?
Frasier: Niles, you're forgetting: I married Lilith, I can live with anything.
[SCENE_BREAK]
SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
(you knew we had to do it eventually)
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. It is night, Eddie is on Martin's chair. Frasier comes in from his room. He walks over to the piano and turns on the neon "Duke's" sign. He looks at Eddie, who stares back.
Frasier: You buy into an investment GROUP, Eddie, you don't know!
Eddie runs off to Daphne's room, Frasier sits at the table. Martin comes in from his room and turns on the lights.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. What are you doing up?
Martin: Oh, I reached over in my sleep and Eddie wasn't there.
Frasier: You need a woman, Dad.
Martin: Tell me about it. Oh, you turned the sign on. That was nice of Duke to give to me. You hold a glass of beer in front of it, it turns green.
Martin goes into the kitchen. After a pause, Frasier follows him. Reset to - the kitchen. Martin is looking through the refrigerator as Frasier comes in.
Frasier: Dad, Niles and I are investors in the company that's tearing down Duke's.
Martin straightens up, but doesn't say anything.
Frasier: We didn't know! When we found out, we tried to get out of it, but we couldn't.
Martin pulls out a carton of milk and turns to pour a glass.
Frasier: Oh, geez, yell at me Dad, will you please? Just hit me or something, hit me with your cane. Just don't stand there.
Martin swings his arm over and pours milk down the front of Frasier's robe. Frasier wipes it up and Martin puts the milk away.
Martin: Let me see if I got this right: in the last year, you give my chair away, you lose my dog, and now you demolish my bar. What's next? I'm gonna find out you're the one who shot me in the hip?
He heads for the living room.
Frasier: I have an alibi for that one. Reset to - the living room as they come out.
Martin: You have an alibi for everything.
Frasier: Dad, it's not like I did this on purpose, I'm part of a huge investment group.
Martin: You know, I don't get it. You guys stood there and watched me and my friends get all weepy and you didn't say anything.
Frasier: Well, what did you want us to say? "Say fellas, here's something ironic..."
Martin: Well, why the hell didn't you at least tell me?
Frasier: I don't know. I guess... I guess maybe it was because when you invited me down to Duke's, it felt like we were finally getting closer. It was a momentous step.
Martin: It was a beer!
Frasier: Not to me! It was validation. Finally I was one of the guys you wanted to hang out with. I, I didn't want to spoil that.
Martin: I woulda had you down there before, I just figured it was the kinda place you'd look down your nose at.
Frasier: [considering] Well, you're probably right. Anyway, I'm sorry.
Martin: Well maybe I spent too much time at Duke's anyway.
He sits down in his chair.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Martin: Oh, you know. When you kids were growing up, maybe if I'd spent less time at Duke's and more time with you, maybe I'd be sittin' across from a son who put so much stock in one beer.
Frasier: You know, I was actually having a pretty good time down there at Duke's. Until I found out I was the one responsible for obliterating it from the face of the planet.
Martin: I liked havin' you there, too, son.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad.
He reaches over and begins smoothing Martin's sleep ruffled hair.
Frasier: Do you mind, Dad? It's driving me crazy, it looks like hell.
Martin: [getting up] Hey, you know what? We got a couple hours before that wrecking ball comes. How 'bout you and I go down there and have one more beer?
Frasier: To Duke's?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: Now?
Martin: Yeah.
Frasier: You and me? Us, together?
Martin: Oh, not this again!
He goes in the kitchen.
Frasier: Yeah, yeah, all right, great!
Martin: [returning with a six-pack] Just you, me, and Charlie Ballantine.
Frasier: I'll meet you right back here in a minute.
He turns to head for his bedroom, but the front door opens. It is Daphne, coming home.
Frasier: Oh, good evening, Daphne. Or should I say, good morning? Daphne rolls her eyes and leans against the door as she closes it.
Frasier: How was your... date with Derek?
Daphne: We had a wonderful time. First we went to dinner, then to the symphony. Then we took a lovely moonlight stroll through the park. He's a perfect gentleman, is Derek.
She goes to hang up her coat and go to her room, but the hem of her skirt is tucked up in the waistband and there is a tear in one of her leggings. Most suggestive of all, she's missed a button in the back of her shirt and her bare back is matted with grass clippings. Frasier and Martin stare after her as she exits.
Frasier: Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date. Martin nods.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 4 - Duke's Fade in. The bar is now stripped out. Frasier and Martin are sitting on crates, drinking beers and singing.
Both: ...and I'll be here, in sunshine or in shadow. Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy, I love you so... [Martin signals Frasier to raise his pitch, they finish]
Martin: That was good. That reminds me of old Mickey Doogan. I remember one Fourth of July, we were on mounted patrol, leadin' a big parade down Broad Street. It was a real scorcher that day, musta been a hundred degrees, and I'm sittin' on top of a thousand pounds of hot, sweaty horse. I musta been complainin' a bit, 'cause as we ride by Duke's, Mickey gets fed up and says "If you want a damn beer so bad, shut up and get one." So I ride old Agides right through the front door, right up to the bar and order myself a beer. Duke plays it cool as a cucumber and says "And what'll your friend have?" I say, "Nothin', he's drivin."
He laughs, Frasier laughs politely.
Martin: I've told ya that one before, haven't I?
Frasier: Yeah.
Martin: [rising] Oh, what a place.
Frasier: You want another beer, Dad?
Martin: Sure, why not?
He stares out the main window, then looks around the bar.
Martin: Sun's up. You look around this place, in the golden early morning light... it's still a dump. I'm gonna miss it, though.
Frasier gets up and gives Martin his beer.
Frasier: Yeah, I know what it is to have a neighborhood bar. I remember the last time I walked out of my old watering hole back in Boston. A strangely emotional day.
Martin: It's the people, I guess. Saying goodbye to a lot of people.
Frasier: You know, Dad, just because you're saying goodbye to this place, doesn't mean you can't see your buddies just as much as you always did.
Martin: Yeah, it does.
Frasier: Yeah, you're right.
They sit back down.
Martin: But that's life, huh? You move on. Only a fool tries to fight it.
Niles rushes in.
Martin: What are you doing here?
Niles: I'm here to stop the demolition. What are you doing here?
Martin: We came to say goodbye.
Niles: You may not have to. I've alerted my lawyers. I intend to stand here and face down the bulldozers. I'm prepared to take this thing to the highest court in the land.
Frasier: Niles, you don't have to do that. I've had a discussion with Dad, he forgives us.
Martin: Sure son, don't worry about it. It's okay.
Niles: Is it really okay? I think NOT! Because today it's Duke's, but tomorrow, it's Moe's. And the day after that, it's Ernie's Tap Room. See, I'm not just here for you, Dad. I'm doin' this for every little guy out there who found some solace at the end of a hard day by bellying up at his neighborhood bar. I'm here to show faceless corporate America they can't just come in here without so much as a "How de do" and shove the little guy aside. Even when I'M that faceless corporate America! I'm here to fight the good fight, to show those sniveling rat-faced heathens there's still some fury pounding in the heart of John Q. Public!
A wrecking ball smashes through the main window, Frasier and Martin run out.
Niles: On the other hand, who am I to stand in the way of progress? He races for the door. End of Act 2
[SCENE_BREAK]
The sign from Duke's is on and flashing. All of Martin's friends are here, drinking and smoking cigars. Frasier, completely frustrated, rushes around passing out coasters, getting a man off the phone and spraying air freshener.
Plan: A: a real estate project; Q: What do Niles and Frasier invest in? A: the bar; Q: What does Martin love that Niles and Frasier want to destroy? A: Martin; Q: Who has cherished the bar for 40 years? Summary: Niles and Frasier invest in a real estate project, not knowing that part of its plan is to destroy the bar Martin has cherished for 40 years.