Doctor: I see you brought your wife along for moral support.
Russ: Yeah. She's here to make sure I go through with it.
Doctor: No one likes getting cut down there. A vasectomy's a very simple procedure. An incision is made above the testicles. We sever the tubes, then we seal them. That's it. No more sperm in the ejaculate. How cool is that?
Russ: So cool.
Doctor: May I ask what birth control method you're currently using?
Russ: Oh, uh, abstinence.
Lina: Condoms.
Russ: But mostly abstinence.
Doctor: What made you decide that a vasectomy is the right procedure?
Russ: Oh, I didn't decide. This was pretty much all her.
Doctor: Really?
Lina: I just don't want him going off and starting a new family. He can barely afford the one that he has.
Russ: Wow. You know what? While you're down there, just take the whole thing off. I don't need it.
Lina: I'm comfortable with that.
S01E03
Russ: Yeah, I think Lina feels bad about the whole surgery thing, so, she's taking me on a little romantic getaway.
Jess: Oh.
AJ: Oh.
Jess: It's like a... vasectomy-moon.
Russ: I guess.
AJ: One last trot around the track before you're carted off to the glue factory.
Jess: Who's watching the kids?
Russ: What? You are.
Jess: What?
Russ: Dude, that's...
Jess: Since when?
Russ: We talked... Since...
Jess (Laughing): I'm messing with you.
AJ (Laughing): Looking so dumb.
Russ: So not cool. No, I'm just excited for the hotel s*x. We haven't had real s*x in our own bed since, like, the kids.
Jess: Mm.
Russ: I feel like hotel s*x is the only thing that's left anymore.
Jess: Oh, yeah. I would kill someone for hotel s*x. Shep doesn't even look at me anymore.
AJ: Jess, what do you expect? You married an old guy.
Jess: No, that's not what it is. It's that I'm, like... I annoy him. Like, I'm annoying. Oh, thanks, assholes.
(Laughter)
Do you know that I told him the other day... I went up to him, and I was, like, "I've been sexting the neighbor," and it was just, like, nothing.
AJ: Wait. What?!
Russ: You sexted the neighbor?
Jess: We were just joking around. But his wife... she has no sense of humor.
AJ: Oh, she doesn't like you sexting her husband? She's terrible.
Jess: She doesn't want other people to be happy? That's messed up.
AJ: Totally.
Jess: Right.
Russ: Yeah.
AJ: She's really unreasonable.
Jess: You shut up. You... what time are you dropping your kids off tomorrow?
Russ: No idea.
AJ: Whenever, man. What is time?
Jess: Thanks, brah.
Russ: I wish.
(Lina and Jess laughing)
Russ: Thank you guys.
Shepard: All right.
Jess: Have fun!
Lina: Okay.
Jess: And don't worry about your children.
Shepard: Hey, is it okay if we take 'em for ice cream?
Lina: Honestly, I don't care what you feed 'em.
Russ: Feed them rocks.
Shepard: Got it. Rocks.
Russ: Bye. Thanks again.
(Car horn toots)
Charlene: Excuse me. Do you have a second?
Shepard: Uh, look, Jess is sorry about texting your husband.
She just... she gets carried away. Uh, but it's never gonna happen again.
Jess: I'm sorry.
Shepard: She's sorry.
Charlene: Marco never came home last night. We had a fight, and he's not picking up his phone. Have you guys been in contact?
Jess: No. I swear, we have not. Total bitch, right?
Shepard: Yeah.
Lina: Are we crazy for leaving our kids with that psycho?
Russ: I don't know. Shep's sort of normal.
Lina: He married her.
Russ: Open my wallet right now. Look inside. Tell me what you see.
(Lina gasps)
Lina: What?!
A condom?
Russ: Right? Not only a condom. The last condom. The very last condom that you and I will ever use together.
Lina: The end of an era.
Russ: Indeed.
Russ: Wow.
Lina: I know.
Russ: Can we afford this?
Lina: I got a groupon.
Russ: 'Cause you're the best.
Lina: I am.
Russ: Wow.
Lina: I feel like this place is gonna make a killer Margarita.
Russ (Whispering): What's with all the khaki?
Lina: Oh. "Welcome Nordoff Worldwide." We're at a company retreat.
Russ: I can work at Nordoff.
Lina: You wouldn't last five minutes at Nordoff.
Russ: I could be a businessman.
Lina: Uh-uh.
Russ: Pork futures.
Lina: Really?
Russ: It's the future of pork.
Lina: That's not what futures is.
Russ: Hi. I'm David Nordoff. This is my wife Gail.
(Lina laughing)
We're about to use our last condom, so...
Lina: Sorry.
Russ: Do not disturb.
Russ: The guy gave it to me. Thought I put it in the bag.
Lina: I know better than to trust you with a key.
Kim: Are you serious?
Tyler: No.
Kim: Did you lose the key in two minutes?
Tyler: No. Hey.
Russ: Hey.
Tyler: No, I think I gave it to you in the lobby.
Kim: No, you did not!
Tyler: I'm pretty sure I did, though.
Kim: No. Look. Remember, the guy gave it to me...
Kim: And then... then the guy took all our stuff...
Kim: No.
(Lina sighs)
(Toilet flushing)
(Door opening)
Lina: Hey.
Russ: Hi.
What, uh... what happened to the thing I got you?
Lina: Um... I took it back... and got this.
Russ: It looks good.
Lina: So... want to do it?
Russ: Sure. Ow. Your knee is...
Lina: What?
Russ: Oh, it's fine. I think I need you to... I need you to warm me up or something.
Lina (Whispering): My jaw's getting sore.
Russ: Oh, sh1t. I fell out.
Lina: Oh, we can get it back.
Russ: No.
Lina: Come on.
Russ: I can't.
Lina: Oh.
(Lina groans)
(Russ sighs)
(Tyler and Kim moaning on other side of wall)
(Bed squeaking)
Russ: Oh, my God.
(Tyler moans)
(Russ sighs)
Tyler: You like that?
Russ: I mean...
Tyler: You like that? Huh?
Kim: Yes. Oh.
Lina: Can they hear us not having s*x?
(Loud moaning)
Russ: Oh, look. It's the screamers.
Lina: Oh, man.
Her ass is so tiny.
Russ: Mm-hmm. It is.
Lina: Does that get you hard?
Russ: It probably would.
Lina: Well, look at it.
Lina: Whew!
Kim: Are you guys with Nordoff?
Russ: Uh, as a matter of fact, yeah. Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech division. I replaced Peterson. His wife...
Lina: He's lying to you.
Kim: Oh. (Chuckles)
Russ: Sorry. He's... we're on a romantic getaway.
Kim: Oh, wow.
Lina: What about you guys?
Kim: Uh, I'm-I'm at Nordoff. But Tyler's my plus one.
Lina: Oh.
Tyler: I'm a constant plus one.
Kim: No, he's a really... actually a great chef.
Lina: Really?
Kim: Mm-hmm.
Tyler: Well, I mean, like, not technically yet. Like, I'm not a chef yet.
Kim: Well, you're going to be.
Kim: We're gonna, um, open a restaurant so I can quit my stupid job. And call it TK's.
Russ: We used to have a TK's. Our own little TK's.
Lina: Yeah.
Russ: Little surf shop in Venice.
Tyler: Cool.
Kim: Oh, wow.
Lina: It was a really bad investment, but it was super cute. We did all right for a little while.
Lina: No, we didn't, actually, but it was fun.
Kim: You know, while you're young.
Tyler: Yeah.
(Doorbell rings)
Charlene: I need to talk to your wife.
He's ignoring all my calls and texts. I'm so sorry. I don't really understand how I could help here. I thought that maybe, you know, he'd respond to you.
Jess: I think probably that should just end, don't you?
Charlene: No. No, you know, just... just can you communicate with him? Like, the way that you communicate with him?
Shepard: I believe she's asking you to sext her husband.
Jess: All right, I don't think that that's a very good idea.
Shepard: She would love to help you.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Russ: So apparently they just make a small incision just right above the testicle and then they go in with two metal pliers, basically, and stretch the incision out a little bit, pull the two tubes out...
Tyler: That sounds awful, man. It sounds bad.
Lina: You feel a pinch.
Tyler: Remember when we, uh... when we fixed Brutus?
Kim: Oh, God. God, that was really sad.
Lina: I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Russ: What happened?
Tyler: I mean, at first, nothing. He just walked around the apartment humping everything like normal and then...
Kim: He humped a lot.
Tyler: One day the humping just stopped. I mean, it's like he... he realized that there was no point anymore. So now he just sleeps all day on the couch. It's a bummer.
Kim: Aw, he's a good dog.
Tyler: He is. Well, I'm pruning up. We should get back to the room.
Kim: Yeah.
Lina: Good luck with chef school.
(Moaning through wall)
(Bed squeaking)
Lina: Do you want to try again, honey?
Russ: No.
Lina: Oh, come on. You want to?
Russ: I need to take a walk.
Ina: Okay, baby. I'm going to wait here.
Russ: I bet he's got his finger in her ass.
I bet he's got his thumb, like... Right up there.
(Moaning continues)
Tyler: Hey, dude.
Russ: Hey.
Tyler: Kim's taking a nap.
Russ: Yeah, Lina, too.
Tyler: Yeah. Guess we wore 'em out, huh?
(Both chuckle)
Russ: You-you know it.
Tyler: Can I get one of these?
Do you like cars?
Russ: Yeah.
Tyler: Check this guy out.
Russ: Nice.
Tyler: Yeah, right?
Russ: Wow. That a road runner?
Tyler: Yep.
Russ: Early '70s?
Tyler: Uh, '69.
Russ: Mm, second year they made 'em.
Tyler: Wow, dude. Droppin' knowledge. Impressive. You're a lot cooler than I thought.
Russ (Chuckles): Thank you. Oh, that's really beautiful.
Tyler: A man can dream, right?
Russ: How far away is it?
Tyler: Not far.
Russ: You want to go check it out? How much are they asking?
Tyler: Eight grand.
Russ: No.
Tyler: Yeah. Dude, I mean, this thing's got to be worth three times that.
Tyler: I mean, I guess they just want to get rid of it.
Russ: Aw, sh1t. If I was your age, I would go for it. I mean, you have no kids, no mortgage. A wife with a good job. I mean, look at this thing. Oh, it's so sweet, dude.
Tyler: Eight grand is a lot of money though. It's not though. I mean, if you have it and you can do it... I don't know. I would do it.
Tyler: Can you believe it?!
Russ: I feel so cool.
Tyler: Dude, this is my muscle car.
Russ: Dude, congratulations.
Tyler: Thank you.
Russ: This is awesome.
Tyler: Yeah. I just want to really and sincerely thank you for helping me pull the trigger on this. I never would've done it unless I met you and you, like, pushed me to do it.
Russ: No. Sometimes you just need that push, you know?
Tyler: Chef school can wait. I mean, Kim will get it, right?
Russ: What? This was your chef school money? You said it was a good investment. I can get, like, three times what I paid for it, right?
Russ: I mean... yeah. I'm not exactly an expert, so, you know, I... It's just, you know, with the... You know, economy.
(Tyler whoops)
Charlene: So, uh, how does it usually start?
Jess: I don't know. This is weird.
It never went that far. We were just joking around. What did you guys joke about?
Jess: I don't know, just stupid... like, "oh, neither one of us are having very much s*x, like, um, with our partners."
Shepard: Well, maybe you could joke about that right now. 'Cause it's funny.
(Jess sighs)
Jess: "Shep... is asleep...
On... the sofa. What are... you up to?"
(Phone chimes)
He knows that he's not supposed to text me, so he's not going to respond, okay?
Charlene: Okay.
(Phone dings)
Is that... is that him?
Jess: Um...
Shepard: "Just thinking about you." That's so sweet. "Wanna play?"
(Phone chimes)
(Phone dings)
"Only want to play if it's dirty." "Thinking about... your balls."
Jess: No, you're not. No. Mm-mm.
Shepard: Well, change what you don't like.
Jess: "I've been a very bad girl. Forgot... to... wear... panties. Uh-oh."
(Phone chimes)
(Phone dings)
Shepard: "Sounds like you need to be punished."
Okay, so, working off of that, how do you think you should be punished? Seriously.
Charlene: Yeah.
Jess: Okay, fine. "I deserve to be tied up."
Shepard: That's right. Eh, uh...
Jess: "And... peed on"?
Shepard: See, now that sounds right.
(Phone chimes)
Charlene: What is wrong with you people?
Shepard: Excuse me.
We're trying to help you.
Jess: Okay, can we just regroup for a second? We were just joking around. Nobody was ever gonna act on anything, okay?
(Phone dings)
Shepard: "Let's meet up."
How 'bout that?
Charlene: Yeah, okay. Yeah, let's do it. "I'll be there. Pick a place. Getting excite... Getting wet. Gushing... Thinking about it."
(Phone chimes)
(Phone dings)
Shepard: "Valley Oak Bar, north Hollywood.
On my way."
Charlene: Okay, let's go.
Jess: Let's not, let's not. (Shortgh) Let's not.
Jess: Not him. It's not him.
Shepard: He's late. I don't think he's coming.
Jess: Yeah.
Charlene: Well... Maybe... maybe he's not, but maybe... maybe I should be sexual messaging neighbors. Maybe that will get his attention, you know? Or maybe I'll go brunette. Maybe I should just shave off all my hair... pubes, too. You know, maybe I should get boobs, but... maybe I'll just get bigger drinks.
Shepard: I think it might be time to cut Charlene off.
Jess: Oh, you think so?
Shepard: And get her home.
Shepard: You know what, sweetie? Charlene and I were talking, and I just explained to her that sometimes people send texts and just, like you said, this is not... he's not gonna act on it, and it's...
Jess: Right.
Charlene: Right.
Shepard: He's not gonna show up, and you have nothing to worry... But we'll just... We'll get, we'll get her a cab and she's... gonna go home.
Charlene: Yeah.
Shepard: It's gonna be okay.
Charlene: Thank you.
Jess: Oh, oh, you know what...
Shepard: Yeah, okay.
Charlene: Thank you.
Shepard: Okay. That was weird.
Jess: Yup.
Shepard: Yeah. I said it's gonna be fine, but I don't think so.
Jess: No.
Shepard: No, I-I don't think those two are gonna make it.
Jess: I don't think so, either, especially since he just showed up at this bar. And I waved him off. And that was that.
Shepard: You're smooth.
Jess: I'm very smooth. Are you still mad at me?
Shepard: No. No, no... no.
Jess: No, you're not, because you kind of like it when I get us into these jams... that's kind of your thing.
Shepard: I knew who I was marrying. You're really a lot of trouble.
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Lina: Where are those guys?
Kim: I don't know. Sounds like a real bro-fest.
Lina: Russ always makes friends.
(Engine rumbling)
(Horn honks)
Tyler: What do you think? Huh?
Kim: Is that your guys' car?
Lina: No.
That is definitely not ours.
Tyler: I just bought this. For us.
Kim: For us? Well, I mean, like, I have my whole life to go to chef school, so...
Kim: You bought this stupid piece of sh1t for us?
Tyler: Well, it's not a stupid piece of sh1t.
Lina: Um, it's a... It's a really a beautiful car.
Russ: It is, it's-it's, it is a... it's a '69.
Lina: Really?
Russ: Which... yeah, which was one of the first...
Lina: Wait, this is a '69?
Russ: Which was one of the first...
Kim: What about the restaurant?
Lina: That makes it even cooler.
Kim: That was our future. The restaurant's still our future. And, uh, Russ was saying that we should live in the now.
Lina: You know, restaurants usually fail within the first year, anyway, so...
Russ: They do, within the first year... some within six months.
Lina: He could actually be saving you money.
Russ: And you know what? You guys... you know, this is the time to-to ride free. You know, with, like...
Lina: Once you start having kids... you're never gonna have a chance like this again.
Russ: Yeah, unencumbered. Did this moron talk you into this? He told me it was gonna be a really good investment.
Russ: That's not... No, you know what, I never actually, I, we didn't... Did you just call my husband a moron? Yeah, if he made my husband buy this car, then he's a moron.
Lina: Uh, my husband can't make anyone do anything.
Russ: That's true, I...
Lina: 'Cause my husband would never do anything this stupid.
Russ: Wait.
Lina: And if he did, he certainly wouldn't blame it on anyone else, right, honey?
Russ: Right.
Kim: I don't... I don't need your sad, boring old couple advice, okay? I'm doing just fine alone.
Tyler: Babe, you should just take a ride in it.
(Lina and Russ laughing)
Russ: Do you remember when we were that dumb?
Lina: Baby, you're still that dumb.
I know, but that's how you like it.
Lina: I do.
Russ: Real dumb.
Lina: So dumb. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah! So dumb. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
(Russ grunting)
(Lina screaming)
Oh, oh, my God!
Russ: Oh.
(Both moaning)
(Both breathing heavily)
Lina: Oh, yeah.
(Laughs)
(Laughing)
Can we do it again?
Russ: I don't... We're out of supplies.
(Lina sighs)
(Knocking)
Russ: Uh, you don't happen to have an extra condom, do you?
Kim: Who the hell is that?
Tyler: Uh...
Lina: How did it go?
Russ: Barely felt a thing.
Doctor: Oh, hey, guys, uh, before I forget... no m*st*rb*t*ng for 48 hours.
Russ: No problem.
Lina: You're never gonna make it.
Russ: No, not a chance.
Plan: A: a romantic getaway; Q: What do Russ and Lina go on to reconnect? A: their romance; Q: What do distractions get in the way of for Russ and Lina? A: loud sex; Q: What is the young couple having in the room next to Russ and Lina? A: the provider; Q: What is the woman in the room next to Russ and Lina's revealed to be? A: chef school; Q: What is the young man saving for? A: Russ convinces; Q: Who gets the young man to buy a classic car? A: trouble; Q: What does Russ get the young man in? A: Jess; Q: Who is the woman next door to who asks her to stop sexting her husband? A: Jess' phone; Q: What does Shep use to sext the man? Summary: Russ and Lina go on a romantic getaway to reconnect, but distractions get in the way of their romance. While there, they meet the young couple that is having loud sex in the room next to theirs. The woman is revealed to be the provider as her hunky boyfriend says he's saving for chef school. Russ convinces the young man to buy a classic car, getting him in trouble. Seeing the young couple quarreling turns on Lina, and she and Russ then have loud sex of their own. Elsewhere, the woman next door to Jess asks her to stop sexting her husband, and Shep makes things uncomfortable by grabbing Jess' phone and sexting the man, pretending to be her.