Russ: It's the same conversation that we've been having since we first met. I'm just a very... I'm a sexual person.
Lina: She doesn't want to hear this.
Russ: And so finally, she gets so fed up, right? That she tells me to go have s*x with other people. Even though we're married and in love, supposedly.
Lina: Supposedly.
Russ: And so, do I go and have s*x with other people? No. Do I get credit for it? Of course not.
Woman: This is all very interesting, but this is a parent-teacher conference, and we're here to talk about your daughter. I love Maya. All her teachers do. But I see her spending an awful lot of time by herself.
Lina: Well, she's kind of a loner. She's like me in that way.
Russ: Could it be genetic?
Teacher: A lot of times these behaviors are learned. What is your social situation like? Are you friends with any of the other parents?
Lina: We say hi to them.
Russ: Mm-hmm.
Lina: And-and go to their stuff.
Russ: Yeah. I'm good friends with, um... The one who likes the celtics.
Teacher: Um, if you want Maya to have more friends, it might help to lead by example.
Russ: Or we could just have more s*x and see if that does the trick. (Chuckles)
S01E05
Jess: Hey. He wants us to come inside.
Shepard: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm ju... I'm just gonna wait in the car.
Jess: Can you please just come on?
Shepard: I don't understand why we can't just have brunch, just you and me.
Jess: Because he's having a hard time with the divorce and it's been rough on him.
Shepard: It's been rough on all of us.
AJ: We have a bit of a situation.
Shepard: Of course you do.
AJ: Watch out for the broken glass.
Shepard: Oh, isn't that pleasant.
(Crowd cheering)
Russ: Go, go, go! (Crowd cheering)
(Whistle blows)
Lina: Oh, God.
I drank too much last night.
Russ: Mm. Soccer and hangovers do not mix. We should've gone to brunch with Jess and AJ. A little hair of the dog.
Russ: All right, what about them?
Lina: What about them?
Russ: Aren't we friend shopping? Wasn't that our assignment?
Lina (Yawning): No. Hey.
Maya: Can I have a playdate with Hailey?
Lina: Hailey? (Groans) I don't know, honey.
Russ: What are you doing? She wants to have a playdate. She needs friends.
Lina: The mother.
Russ: Who is her mother?
Lina: You don't know her, she's...
Stacey: Hey!
Lina: Hi!
Stacey: I heard the girls want to have a playdate. Should we host? I mean, do you have a big space? We have a ton of space, so...
Woman: I'm not coming out! (AJ sighs)
AJ: There's a gazelle in my bathroom who refuses to get out.
Shepard: Why a gazelle?
Jess: Three-legged gazelles are what he calls damaged women.
AJ: Yeah. Harder for them to get away.
Woman: You piece of sh1t scumbag asshole!
AJ: Look, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to say that, okay? I had a very rough childhood, remember? She'll be out in a minute. I'll stick her in a cab and then we'll go eat.
Shepard: Great. We'll meet you at the restaurant.
Jess: No...
Woman: Oh, no! I'm not getting in a cab!
Jess: Okay, all right. Fine. I'll talk to her.
AJ: That would be amazing. Thank you.
Jess: Yeah.
Shepard: You know what else would be amazing? Brunch.
Jess: Why don't you hold on for just one second 'cause everyone knows you want to go to brunch. Give me a name, an age and a job.
AJ: April, 19, still figuring it out.
Jess: 19 years old?
AJ: Look, she's gonna be 20 in march. She's an old soul.
Jess: Oh!
AJ: With a tight hole.
Jess: Okay.
Shepard: That's sweet. You should trademark that. Put it on mugs.
Jess: Great! I'm going in there now.
AJ: Most old souls don't have tight holes.
Shepard: No, I understand the joke.
Jess: April?
April: Go away!
Jess: I understand that AJ is a dick, and I can talk to you about it if you want to. And also I, I do need to just use the bathroom. We could do both.
AJ: Bitches be crazy, huh?
Shepard: Yeah, that's the problem here.
Russ: Wow.
Lina: I am so sorry we don't have enough square footage for a playdate.
Russ: She might not have meant it that way. Okay, she totally meant it that way.
Lina: You guys wait here. I'll be right back.
Ella: No way... this house is cool. I'm coming in.
Frankie: Me, too.
Russ: All right, let's make this quick, okay? Your mommy doesn't like this lady.
Maya: Please be nice, mommy.
Lina: I'm always nice.
(Knocking)
Russ: Always.
Stacey: Oh, you guys came.
Okay, I didn't think you guys were gonna come.
Lina: I thought the girls had a playdate.
Stacey: Yeah, no. I just, I... I thought you guys were the kind of people that weren't gonna show up. All right, well, come on in.
Lina: Oh, we're-we're just dropping off.
Russ: Yeah.
Stacey: That's okay, come on. Come on in.
Lina: Your house is incredible.
Stacey: Oh, thanks.
Russ: God, this place looks so familiar.
Stacey: Yeah, I thought that, too, when I first walked in. And now it just owns me. But I guess you have to live somewhere. Plus, the windows.
(Lina groans)
Stacey: Oh, Nelson.
Hey. Five minutes.
Ella: Oh, my God, mom! Two center islands!
Lina: Ella's really into real estate.
Stacey: Oh! I tried that for a year. Nope.
Ella: I love the stonework by the pool.
Stacey: Oh, do you guys want to hang out and swim?
Russ: Oh...
Lina: We don't have swimsuits.
Stacey: Oh, that's not a problem. I have so many. I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to, but... If you wanted to... I mean, if you want to.
Maya: Mom?
Lina: Yes. We do. That sounds great.
Maya: Yeah!
Russ: Yeah. I love to watch kids swim.
Lina: I'm really glad we didn't invite them to our house.
Russ: I like our house.
Lina: No, you don't.
Russ: No, I don't. Not even a little bit.
(Groans)
Guess I should go talk to that dude.
(Lina laughs)
Lina: Men have it so easy.
Russ: 'Cause of periods?
Lina: Yeah, 'cause of periods.
Russ: That's what I thought.
Lina: No, because you can go over there, and you can just talk to him about sports.
I am gonna have to go into that kitchen and have a real conversation with Stacey.
Russ: Uh... sports conversations are tricky, okay?
Lina: Oh, really?
Russ: Yeah, 'cause sometimes you involve the DH and then you're talking about stats and...
Lina: "The DH"?
Russ: Designated hitter.
Lina: Oh, I didn't know you were gonna bring up the DH.
Russ: Yeah, it gets real.
Lina: I'm sorry.
Russ: You'll be fine. Good luck.
Lina: Good luck.
Russ: It's such a nice pool.
Jay: Oh, thanks.
Russ: Yeah.
Jay: Oh, uh, are you not gonna swim?
Nelson: I don't feel like it.
(Sighs)
Jay: Wish I could offer you a beer or something.
God, I'd love a beer, but we're not allowed to keep alcohol in the house.
Russ: Oh. No worries.
Jay: Yeah, as long as there's no alcohol in the house.
Russ: How do I know this place?
Jay: Hmm?
Russ: Your house is so familiar.
Jay: Yeah. We get that a lot.
Lina: Hey.
Stacey: Hey, which bathroom did you use?
Lina: Oh, I-I didn't go to the bathroom.
Stacey: Somebody did.
Lina: It wasn't me.
Stacey: Do your kids have allergies? It's never-ending. It's like that kid at that school who died. He was a genius. (Sighs)
Lina: My kids eat everything.
Stacey: Oh, that's lucky.
(Groans) Lina: Um... you know, you didn't have to go through all this trouble just for us.
Stacey: No, I always overdo it. I just do. My mother worked. She never cooked, so... she's dead now. Okay, one, two, three, four, five...
Lina: I'm gonna go check on the girls.
AJ: How's the job hunt?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Shepard scoffs)
I'm an old man in a dead business.
AJ: Yeah, a lot of my music business clients are hurting.
Shepard: You still have clients? I was asking. I really was.
AJ: I've lost a few recently, but... That helps me focus on the ones that matter.
Shepard: Hmm. 'Cause you seem focused.
Jess: Well... I figured out what the problem is.
AJ: a**l remorse?
Jess: (Scoffs) No, it's that she's 19 years old.
AJ: She's gonna be 20 in march. It's legal.
Jess: How did you think that this was gonna end?
Shepard: Well, I'm gonna tell you how brunch ends. At 3:00, they stop serving it, all right?
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Shepard: All you can have is the bar menu, and I hope you enjoy sliders. 'Cause that's all we're gonna get. Seriously, can I come in?
April: Go away.
Shepard: I got to take a leak. Just turn around.
(Door shuts)
(Sighs)
Lina: Where's daddy?
Jay: Uh, phone call.
Said it was a work emergency.
(Beep) (Beep)
Lina: What are you doing?
Russ: I'm trying to find some sh1t.
Lina: What kind of sh1t?
Russ: What is wrong with these people?
Why would you have a porno block?
Lina: You're looking for p0rn on a playdate?
Russ: I figured out how I know this house. It's the Night Trips House. Night Trips. By Andrew Blake.
Lina: You're searching for pornography in a child's bedroom.
Russ: What? No. Don't make this creepy, okay? Night Trips was more than just p0rn, okay? It-it changed the landscape. It changed the face of early '90s erotica. Tori Welles stood right here. Peter North stood right behind her. And if you listen very closely, you can hear the orgasms of yesteryear.
Stacey: Lina, the eclairs are ready.
Lina: I'll be right there! Pool. Kitchen.
Russ: Night Trips House.
Lina: Yeah, I know.
(Inhales) (Girls shouting, squealing)
Frankie: Daddy, daddy, di you see that?
Russ: Yeah! Awesome.
(Beeping)
Jay: Mother of sh1t.
Sorry, everything's fine. It's all okay. Uh... you're a dad. Can I, uh... can I ask you something?
Russ: Yeah. Totally.
Jay: I just got an alert that Nelson was searching for p0rn again.
Russ: Just now? Yeah. It's, like, nonstop with that kid, and I'm really worried about him.
Russ: Oh. Yeah. I would... All boys go through that. I wouldn't worry about it. He'll be fine.
Jay: I don't know, man. He spends every day locked in his room in some sort of p0rn cave. Maybe I should try church?
Russ: I think church would be great.
Jay: You think so?
Russ: Uh-huh.
Jay: All right. Okay, well, now I got to find a church.
Stacey: I noticed that Maya has some problems.
Lina: Maya doesn't have problems. No, I mean, like-like she's, you know, kind of off by herself a lot. I was like that.
Lina: I mean, she... sometimes has a hard time making friends.
Stacey: Friends are hard.
Lina: Yeah. Especially when you call 'em a couple times and they don't call you back.
Lina: I'm sorry. I feel bad. That's really lame of me. I'm sorry. I... One time we really did have a gymnastics thing.
Stacey: It doesn't matter. A lot of people blow me off. I get it. Besides, you're here now. Do you want a glass of wine?
Lina: Yeah.
Stacey: Okay.
Lina: Yeah, I would love a glass of wine. Thank you. What do you have?
Stacey: Everything. The cutlers are in Napa. They have more wine than they could ever possibly drink.
Lina: Sure they're okay with it?
Stacey: Oh. They are so chill. I'm, like, here all the time. (Alarm chimes) Wait. Okay. All right. No alarm. Come on. Shut the door.
Stacey: Okay, so we have a Pinot, Montepulciano and then this cab blend.
Lina: Are you sure you don't want any?
Stacey: This cab blend smells so good. I can't have any alcohol. Last time I had red wine, I bit my father-in-law on the ankle.
Lina: Ooh.
Stacey: Here.
(Chuckles)
Hey, just hurry up. I want to hear what it tastes like.
Lina: I just feel weird drinking alone.
Stacey: No, this is a real treat for me. Jay hates red wine. Sometimes he describes coffee. Can't have that either.
Lina: Ooh.
(Sniffs)
That's nice.
Stacey: Yeah?
Lina: Earthy.
Stacey: Yeah.
Lina: Mm-hmm.
Stacey: But not too earthy, right?
Lina: No, no.
Stacey: Mm-mm. This might be a little too nice.
Stacey: Great. I think that this is a really expensive bottle of wine.
Stacey: It's a '96. Oops. (Laughter)
Lina: Are you sure it's cool that we're in here?
Stacey: Yeah, they're not gonna miss a couple bottles of wine.
Lina: So it's totally not cool, right?
Stacey: They're in Australia.
Lina: Oh. You're a crazy person. You're totally a crazy person.
Stacey: I'm not crazy. They're crazy, you know? They've never once had me over to this place. They've never asked me inside. So... I wave to them, like, all the time. And to never invite me in? That's kind of insane.
Lina: Hmm. They do sound like really rude people. Kind of really want to check out the rest of this rude house.
Jay: You have a problem.
Nelson: It wasn't me, just get out.
Jay: Okay, fine, if it wasn't you, tell me who it was.
Nelson: I-I don't know. Go away. I'm sick of you lying to me, by the way.
Nelson: Just go away.
Jay: All right, stop talking to me that way, okay? I'm your dad, all right? This conversation... it isn't over, buddy. I'm not getting through to him, man, I tried to be reasonable, but... I don't know, he just shut down and kept saying, "I didn't do it." Typical.
Russ: Maybe you shouldn't blame him.
Jay: You mean like it's his mother's fault? Yeah, I thought about that. She's insane. Why the hell did I breed with her?
AJ: How long has Shep been in there?
Jess: He's a great negotiator, he's probably working some magic.
AJ: Yeah. At this point he's known her longer than I have.
Jess: What are you doing, man?
AJ: I don't know. Having fun.
Jess: Maybe it's time to try someone your own age.
AJ: That is hilarious, coming from you.
Jess: Don't compare your sh1t to me and Shep, okay? Because we're married. We have a kid. We are real.
AJ: Yeah, you're a perfect wife in a perfect marriage.
Jess: Shut up. Right now.
AJ: I had real. Real took half my sh1t.
(Door opens and closes)
Shepard: Come on, April.
Here we go.
AJ: Hey.
Shepard: Here's what's gonna happen: She's gonna get into a cab. You're gonna take back what you said about her hair, and you're gonna fly her mother out for easter like you promised, all right?
April: And, uh, there's no more toilet paper.
Shepard: Can we please go eat?
(Jess sighs)
AJ: Thanks for the talk.
Russ: Hey.
Nelson: Hey.
Russ: Look, uh, it's none of my business, but I overheard you talking to...
Nelson: I didn't do anything.
Russ: Cool.
Nelson: Hey, can I ask you something?
Russ: Sure.
Nelson: My dad says I'm sick. Am I?
Russ: Wow, dude... If you're sick, then I am terminal.
When I was your age, I watched... a lot of stuff.
Nelson: Do you still watch?
Russ: Yeah. I'm a lifer.
Nelson: But you're married. Your wife's so hot. You can have s*x with her whenever you want... what do you need p0rn for?
Russ: You stay gold, ponyboy. Okay? You stay gold. Do you have any idea that you live... in, like, a historical house?
Nelson: No. (Russ speaking indistinctly)
(Lina and Stacey sigh, chuckle)
Stacey: What does it taste like?
Lina: This one's winey-er.
(Both laugh)
Look at the legs. I don't know, my dad, he's... he was kind of... well, he is... kind of a hermit. He doesn't have a phone. We don't talk. He cuts hair somewhere under a fake name. It's weird.
Stacey: That is weird.
Lina: I know.
Stacey: Wow.
Lina: I don't know, maybe it's... maybe it's in my blood. Maybe it's genetic. I totally see it in Maya.
Stacey: Well... schizophrenia and colon cancer. That's what my kids have to look forward to.
(Laughter)
(Snorts) Ow.
Lina: Do you have good insurance?
(Door chimes)
(Lina gasps) Stacey: Oh, sh1t.
Lina: sh1t. (Indistinct chatter)
(Shrieks)
(Door chimes) (Both giggling)
Lina: Oh, okay.
Russ: What... is happening?
Stacey: Oh. What are you doing next Tuesday?
Lina: Oh, I don't know. What are you thinking?
Stacey: Um, there's a lot of empty places around here this time of year.
Lina: You're so crazy.
Stacey: I know.
Nelson: You're wife's super hot.
Russ: Oh, thanks. Yeah, so's your mom.
I just meant she's fit. It's not... I'm not being weird, I... I think she's got a great body, that's it.
Lina: Think I made a friend today.
Russ: Yeah? Me, too.
Lina: You liked Jay?
Russ: No, that guy was a dud. But Nelson was very cool. The four of us should hang out sometime. Cool kid.
Lina: You're an idiot.
Waitress: You are gonna love our bar menu. Today's slider trio is pork, salmon, and portobello mushroom.
Shepard: I would like a, uh... I'd like an egg white frittata.
Waitress: I'm really sorry, brunch is over.
Shepard: I know, I know. I would just like the record to reflect I wanted an egg frittata.
(Jess scoffs)
AJ: No chance of eggs?
Plan: A: a teacher; Q: Who told Lina that Maya was a loner? A: Maya; Q: Who is the loner at school? A: Lina; Q: Who reluctantly agrees to bring Maya to a play date? A: Michaela Watkins; Q: Who played Stacey? A: the kids; Q: Who does Russ accompany to the play date? A: the house; Q: What does Russ notice that looks familiar? A: a location; Q: What was the house used for in an early 90s porn movie? A: a brunch; Q: What event are Jess and Shep invited to with A.J. and his girlfriend? A: 19-year-old; Q: How old is A.J.'s girlfriend? A: the young woman; Q: Who won't come out of the bathroom when Jess and Shep go to pick up A.J. and his girlfriend? Summary: After being told by a teacher that Maya is a loner at school, Lina reluctantly agrees to bring Maya to a play date arranged by Stacey ( Michaela Watkins ), a woman she hates. While accompanying the kids, Russ remarks that the house looks familiar, and is able to confirm that it was used as a location in an early 90s porn movie. Elsewhere, Jess and Shep are invited to a brunch with A.J. and his 19-year-old girlfriend, but when they go to pick them up, the young woman won't come out of the bathroom.