Act 1 Scene 1 - Niles' Bedroom
Fade in. Niles and Daphne are in bed, asleep and holding hands. (And before you frantically scroll down: No, this isn't a dream, for you or Niles.)
Daphne, frowning a bit in her sleep, rolls first one way then the other, finally throwing her arm across Niles' chest and waking him. Niles ruffles her hair to see if she's awake, then carefully rolls her over onto her back. He pulls the covers back up to her chin - then pulls them back for one last look down her front. A satisfied smile on his face, he settles back down.
Daphne rolls away, taking all the covers from him, then rolls again to snuggle against his back. Apparently thinking this is a pleasant enough compromise, Niles again grins and settles back to try and sleep.
Daphne flails out with her arm and pushes him off the bed entirely, still asleep. Niles pokes his head back up, wondering what to do.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Kirby are studying at the dining table.
Frasier: All right, Kirby, we've got a few minutes before your mother
gets here. One last question: In our studies this week, what did we learn about William Henry Harrison?
Kirby: Well, I guess I would say that this week we learned that William Henry Harrison was... a great man... who was important ...because he was...
Frasier: President?
Kirby: No. Yes! Yes.
Frasier: Good, good. And which president was he?
Kirby: Of the United States.
Frasier: I mean which number?
Kirby looks confused.
Frasier: All right, here's a hint: He was elected in eighteen-forty.
Kirby: Eighteen.
Frasier: No.
Kirby: Fortieth?
Frasier: Kirby! Did you do any reading this week?
Kirby: Sort of.
Frasier: What does "sort of" mean?
Kirby: No.
Frasier: Right. Why not?
Kirby: 'Cause it's a bunch of junk I'm never gonna need to know.
Frasier: Yes, Kirby, this "junk", as you call it, may seem unimportant to you now, but knowing something about where we came from may help you to decide where you wish to go. Now, let's start learning about history, lest you be condemned to repeat it. [He pushes the text book over to Kirby.] Start reading. Continue until your mother gets here.
Martin comes in the front with Eddie.
Frasier: Hi, Dad.
Martin: Hey, Fras. You know that guy, Roger, on fourteen, has that little Scottish Terrier?
Frasier: MacDuff?
Martin: Right. Well, Roger's invited all these dogs from the park to a party, for MacDuff's birthday. Except Eddie, thank God! Have you ever heard of anything more ridiculous?
Frasier: I see. And putting a hat on Eddie, for every major holiday, that's normal?
Martin: Well, it's not every holiday.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, please! He's got a Santa cap for Christmas, he's got a top hat for New Year's Eve, he's got a tam o'shanter for St. Patrick's day...
Martin: Well, they're just hats! It's not a whole party. I mean, a dog doesn't know it's his birthday any more than he knows it's Friday or Saturday or...
Frasier: Or Cinco de Mayo?
Martin: That sombrero was a gift!
Frasier notices Kirby watching them.
Frasier: Keep reading!
Martin: It's nice you're helpin' the kid out.
Frasier: Yeah, well, truth be told, Dad, I'm actually... I've made a little agreement with Lana. You see, if I help Kirby get a passing grade, Lana will set me up with one of her girlfriends, Claire.
Martin: Oh. I remember when you used to tutor kids so they wouldn't beat you up. So I guess this is progress, huh?
He heads off to his room. The doorbell rings.
Frasier: That'll be your mother. He opens the door to reveal Lana as Kirby puts his things away.
Frasier: Hi, Lana. Come on in.
Lana: Hi, Frasier. You guys have a good study session today?
Kirby: Primo.
Frasier: Oh, yes, we're making excellent progress.
Lana: Really? So, what did you learn today?
Kirby: Uh, well, today I learned about William Henry Harrison, who was our...
Frasier holds up nine fingers.
Kirby: ...uh, ninth president. Frasier gives him a thumbs up.
Frasier: I mean tenth. [Frasier waves.] I mean ninth.
Lana: Good, not bad. So you're one step closer to getting your prom privileges back.
Kirby: Mom, I told you, I'm not goin'.
Lana: Why not? Because you and Kristi broke up?
Kirby: Thanks for spreadin' that around, Mom!
Lana: Oh, Frasier doesn't care. He went to the prom with his brother.
Frasier: Thanks for spreading THAT around! Kirby, listen, can I have a word alone with your mother, please?
Kirby: Sure.
Lana hands Kirby her car keys.
Lana: Here, sit in the car. You can listen to the radio. Kirby heads for the elevator and Lana shouts after him.
Lana: But don't change my presets again. When you're in my car, it's my hits OR NOTHING!
She closes the door and turns to Frasier.
Lana: What did you want to talk about?
Frasier: Well, actually, I was wondering if you'd had a chance to talk to Claire, yet, seeing as how Kirby may be getting a passing grade.
Lana: Actually, I saw Claire yesterday.
Frasier: Oh, you did! That's wonderful news! Now, I was thinking for our first date, I thought perhaps Tapas. Now I know that sounds a little whimsical, but hear me out on this...
Lana: Frasier, Frasier, look, all I did was mention you were tutoring Kirby. But she was very impressed.
Frasier: But you were supposed to set us up. We had a deal!
Lana: I'm phasing you in slowly. Look, she just broke up with Neil because he was rushing things. Trust me, if you don't time this right you're going to blow it.
Frasier: All right, there's no need to explain it to me. If anyone understands the value of restraint and taking things slowly, it's yours truly.
Lana: Frasier, as I recall, on our first date, you got me up to your apartment on false pretenses, you plied me with wine, you got me into bed and then tried to weasel out of ever seeing me again.
She goes out the door. Frasier opens the door behind her and calls out.
Frasier: I think "plied" is a bit strong! He closes the door, looking embarrassed. FADE OUT. Scene 3 - Cafe Nervosa
Fade in. Roz is getting a coffee to go and turns to join Frasier at a table.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. I have a work-related proposal I want to run by you.
Frasier: Well, Roz, I'm always open to new ideas. Creative thoughts, outside-the-box thinking, that sort of thing.
Roz: I want Friday the fifteenth off. But be aware, if you say "No," you'll be crushing a dream I've had since college.
Frasier: A three-day weekend, that's quite a dream.
Roz: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage with him.
Frasier: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?
Roz: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I want to be the first in line.
Frasier: Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa," I would have found a polite way to no, but as it is, no.
Roz: I can't believe I could have just called in sick instead of telling you the truth. I just wasted perfectly good honesty on you!
She gets up to leave, running into Daphne and Niles as they are coming in.
Daphne: Hey, Roz.
Roz: His Royal Highness is here.
Niles: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles.
Daphne: Coffee, Niles?
Niles: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three shots of espresso.
Daphne: The Defibrillator?
Niles: Yeah, that's the one.
Daphne goes to get the coffee, Niles sits down.
Frasier: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?
Niles: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...
Frasier: Stop the simile! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only have to repress later.
Niles: I'm talking about actual sleeping, you degenerate jughead.
Daphne comes back to the table and kisses Niles.
Daphne: Hey, sweetie.
Niles: Hey. I was just telling Frasier about your nightly tossing and turning.
He pats his knee and she sits on his lap.
Niles: She's like a tuna on a trawler deck.
Daphne: I told you: I'm gonna need time to adjust to sleeping with someone. Until then you're just going to have to fight me off.
Niles: Oh, I tried, you hurled me to the floor!
Daphne: You've never minded the rough stuff before.
Frasier: [closes his book] No that's it, I'm leaving.
He starts to get up, but notices Claire in line.
Frasier: Good lord, it's Claire.
Daphne: I thought you liked her.
Frasier: Oh, I do.
Niles: So what's the problem?
Frasier: Lana has told me I am under no circumstances to ask her out on a date! She says that if I rush things, I will ruin my chances.
The waiter brings Niles and Daphne's coffee. Claire notices Frasier.
Claire: Frasier! Frasier gets up. Daphne moves to his seat.
Frasier: Claire, hi. Fancy seeing you here.
Claire: I just came from the opera house. Can you believe Don Giovanni is sold out? I wish I knew someone with a subscription.
Frasier: Oh, you know, I could... I could call someone for you.
Claire: Oh, hey, that would be great. And hey, while you're at it, see if you can't find someone who likes sherry. You know, Les Habitants is having a tasting that week and I can't find anyone who enjoys sherry as much as I do. Of course, I always have trouble finding people who share my interests, I've been trying to convince someone to go to London with me and see the new Tate Gallery and the Old Globe Theater and finally I just gave up and tomorrow I'm going alone for ten days. Life's just too short!
Frasier: Go out with me!
As Claire looks surprised, Frasier looks around for a way to seem a little calmer. FADE OUT.
A WAIST IS A TERRIBLE
THING TO MIND
Scene 4 - Lana's Kitchen
Fade in. Kirby is sitting at the table with the textbook, Frasier is lecturing a point to him.
Frasier: The trick to remembering the difference between William Henry Harrison and William Howard Taft is a simple mnemonic device.
Kirby: A what?
Frasier: It's a trick. Harrison died in office after his first month, so we say "William Henry Harrison Was Hardly Healthy". And you can't spell "Taft" without the letters f-a-t.
Kirby: So now to remember two things, I have to remember two other things. Plus the first two things. That's FOUR things.
Frasier: Yes, yes, but the first two things are easier to remember and they are clues to the second. Will you just try to keep up, Kirby?
Kirby: What are you getting all up in my face for?
Frasier: Because you are not working hard enough.
Kirby: Well, who's fault is that?
Frasier: Yours!
Kirby: Whatever, dude.
Lana comes in the back door with groceries.
Lana: How's it going?
Kirby: Well, I'm cool.
Frasier: As am I.
Lana: Oh, Frasier, you staying for dinner?
Frasier: Sure.
Lana: Kirby, go wash up. [He gets up and heads out.] And USE WATER!
Frasier: Listen, Lana, um... I, I ran into Claire this afternoon, and well, we got to talking, and it seems as though we'll... we're going to be going out together.
The phone begins to ring.
Lana: You what? I told you the timing wasn't right. You went behind my back!
Frasier: Yes, well you convinced me you held the keys to Claire's kingdom and the truth is, I didn't need the key! When I got there the gates were open, the mat said "Welcome Frasier"!
Lana: Well, if you think you are walking out on Kirby, you can think again!
The answering machine picks up the phone.
Frasier: Listen, there is no point in tutoring him if he is not willing to learn!
Claire: [v.o. from answering machine] Hi, Lana, it's Claire. Listen, Frasier asked me out today and I said yes. He seems very sweet. [Frasier grins.] Of course, he was also a little eager which is always a turn-off. [Frasier's grin fades.] So I might back out, unless you think he's a catch, do you, is he? So anyway, I'll be back next week, give me a call, let me know what you think, bye.
Lana: [now the one smiling smugly] Hmmm, what do I think?
Frasier: Perhaps I spoke hastily.
Lana: I think... I want Kirby to get a C.
Frasier: What? You said all he had to get was a passing grade!
Lana: Well, that's before you went behind my back. And just for arguing, I want a B!
Frasier: That's crazy!
Lana: Well, keep talking mister, and I'll go for an A!
Frasier: All right, all right, a B it is!
Kirby comes back in.
Kirby: What am I doing again? Oh yeah, I'm washing up. He turns around and heads out again.
Lana: Okay, a B minus.
[SCENE_BREAK]
End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Niles' Bedroom
Fade in. Niles and Daphne are again in bed. When Daphne moves in her sleep, Niles nervously comes awake, then settles back down. Daphne rolls to the side with the covers and Niles tenses defensively.
Daphne rolls back towards him, then swings her arm back across his chest, where Niles throws his hands up to catch it. He rolls her back over to her side of the bed. Getting his watch from the nightstand, he notes the time with a look of frustration.
As he starts to settle down again, Daphne begins rolling to his side of the bed quickly. Niles leaps over her, but misjudges his inertia and keeps moving to fall off the side of the bed. FADE OUT.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 2 - Café Nervosa Fade in. Kirby and Frasier are at a tutoring session.
Frasier: All right, Kirby, I'm going to make you an offer: If you will agree to knuckle down and study, I will treat you to a sumptuous meal at Les Habitants. How does that sound?
Kirby: You and me at a fancy French restaurant?
Frasier: That's right.
Kirby: Kinda gay.
Roz comes in.
Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. Kirby, this is my producer, Roz Doyle. Roz, this is Kirby, my... tutee.
Roz: Well, study hard, but remember: school isn't everything. I wasn't exactly an egghead and look how I turned out.
Frasier: Yes, all right, Roz. I'm just trying to motivate the boy, not scare him straight.
She gives him a dirty look as he waves her off.
Kirby: She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
Frasier: Oh, yes, well, sometimes. But she's union, so you put up with it.
Kirby: No, I mean she's hot!
Frasier: Just stop that. You stick to girls your own age.
Kirby: Yeah, I had one, she dumped me.
Frasier: Sorry to hear that.
Kirby: I don't care. She can go to the prom with anyone she wants.
Frasier: Wait a moment. Is that what all this current malaise is about? Heartbreak?
Kirby: No! I'm way over it. But you know what would be awesome is if I could go to the prom with some totally hot older chick like Roz. That would totally burn up Kristi. All my friends would be like "Whoa, she's so hot!"
Frasier: Kirby, you just put that thought completely out of your mind because....
He stops for a brief flash.
Frasier: Kirby, if I could convince Roz to go to the prom with you, would you commit to learning this material? And think hard before you answer, because if it's "yes", you're in my house, mister.
Kirby takes another look at Roz.
Kirby: I'm in. They shake on it.
Frasier: Deal. Now listen, we'll just keep this between us. There's no need to tell your mom.
Kirby: No problem.
Frasier: Great.
Kirby: So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
Frasier: Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. Bruce Springsteen.
Kirby: [raising a fist] The Boss!
Frasier: No, Bruce Springsteen.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Kirby are again studying at the dining table.
Kirby: You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.
Frasier: That's the "pop" part. But don't despair, Kirby, you got nineteen out of twenty-five, well done. [laughs] Looks like you're well on your way to that prom. Now let's see that essay you wrote.
As Kirby hands it over, Martin comes from his room playing tug-o-war with Eddie.
Martin: Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie...
Frasier: Dad, you mind? We're trying to work here.
Martin: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to raise Eddie's spirits. Today's that stupid doggy party he wasn't invited to.
Frasier: You still on that?
Martin: Eddie's the heart and soul of that doggy group. He's been goin' to that park for years. Half those people wouldn't even know each other if it wasn't for us. Now they're down there drinkin' beer and swappin' stories. Look at him, it's just breaking Eddie's heart.
Eddie is happily squirming on his back on the couch.
Frasier: Eddie's fine, Dad. Seems you're the one who feels left out.
Martin: I do not! And it just so happens that we've got plans for this afternoon, anyway, big plans.
The phone rings and Martin answers it.
Martin: Hello? [nonchalant] Oh, hi, Roger. Oh, party? No, hadn't heard about it. Oh, really? Well, yeah I guess we could come down. Sure, okay. Well, uh, be right down. Okay, bye.
He hangs up the phone and becomes excited.
Martin: I knew it! The invite musta got lost in the mail. Well, see you later boys, it's party time!
He goes out the front. Eddie goes to the arm of the couch expectantly. Martin comes back in a moment later.
Martin: [sheepish] Forgot the dog. He motions Eddie out the door, following. FADE OUT. Scene 4 - Les Habitants Fade in. Claire and Frasier are at a table together.
Frasier: This is fun.
Claire: It is. You know, I think restaurants are like museums. Great food, like great art, has the ability to both elevate and inspire.
Frasier: Oh, I so agree. But one must dine with some savoir faire. You won't get much out of it if you're just some Philistine walking in off the street.
Kirby comes in with Roz, some friends and their dates.
Friend: Dude, fancy!
Kirby: [to Maitre D'] Hello, my good man. Reservation for Gardner.
Maitre D': Of course. This way, please.
Kirby: [whispering to Roz] So, um, would you order some wine for us?
Roz: No. Let's get something straight: if you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?
Kirby: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?
Roz: Yes, I am.
Maitre D': [as they sit] Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, and make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it. [to Kirby] Never order for your date, it's cheesy.
Angle on - Frasier ordering at his table.
Frasier: And the lady will have the filet. He hands the menus over and the waiter leaves.
Frasier: Well, a toast: To this moment, too long delayed and too quick to pass.
They clink glasses. Lana comes in and steps over to their table.
Lana: Hey, you guys! Hi. What are you doing here? [gives Frasier a playful shove]
Claire: We're having a date.
Frasier: Yes, what are YOU doing here? [gives her a warning shove]
Lana: Oh, I'm looking for Kirby, it's his prom night, he left his camera at home.
Frasier: Kirby? Is here?
Lana: Somewhere, he said you told him about this place.
Frasier: Right, right. So I did.
Lana: Oh, there he is. See you guys later.
Frasier: [rising] Listen, Lana, Lana, wait! You know, maybe I should take the camera to the boy. I mean, seeing you here will only embarrass him.
Lana: Oh please, he's used to that. Besides, the one who should be embarrassed is that boy who's with his mother.
Frasier sits back down, looking nervous as Lana goes over to the other table.
Claire: Lana is such a great mom. She really cares about her kids.
Frasier: She sure does.
Lana begins yelling.
Lana: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S WITH YOU?!?!
Frasier: Will you excuse me a moment?
He hurries over to the other table.
Kirby: Mom, would you cool out?
Lana: How do you expect me to cool out when you're with... what are you, a hooker?
Roz: What?
Friend: You're a hooker?
Roz: No, I'm not!
Frasier: She works for me.
Friend: You're her pimp?
The Maitre D' comes over.
Maitre D': Is there a problem?
Frasier: No, no, everything's perfectly fine.
Lana: You know this tramp?
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Roz: Frasier!
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry! Lana, please. This is all innocent enough. I only did this to motivate the boy.
Lana: By promising him s*x?
Roz: You promised him s*x?
Friend: You're gettin' s*x!
Frasier: I did NOT promise him s*x!
Lana: [grabs Kirby by the arm] You are coming with me!
Kirby: Mom, I'm not going.
Claire gets up and comes over behind them.
Frasier: Lana, let me explain. I set him up with Roz in exchange for his studying.
Lana: That's disgusting!
Frasier: It's no different than you promising me a date with Claire in exchange for tutoring Kirby.
Claire: Excuse me?
Frasier: Claire.
Claire: You traded me like a commodity?
Lana: Oh, get off your high horse!
Kirby: You tutored me to get to her?
Frasier: Kirby...
Claire: I can't believe you used me, Lana!
Lana: Well, get a little perspective here, my son's here with a prostitute!
Roz: [rising] If you call me that one more time, lady...!
Lana: Listen, sister, I'll call you anything I want to...!
Claire: What did you do, dangle me like bait?!
Roz: Who's the prostitute now?
Claire: Who the hell are you?
Lana: Sit down!
Kirby: You said you cared about my education, but you're just as big a liar as Richard M. Nixon, our thirty-seventh president!
The Maitre D' steps up again.
Maitre D': I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.
Lana: Fine with me. Kirby, let's go!
Kirby: I'm not goin' anywhere.
Claire: Well, I am.
She starts to leave.
Frasier: No, no, no, STOP IT EVERYBODY! Everyone in the restaurant stops what they're doing and looks at him.
Frasier: Fellow diners, if you will all bear with me for just a moment, please. Kirby, you are going to pass history and you are going to graduate from high school. Roz, you are going to get your Springsteen tickets. Lana, if there is anyone with whom your son could expect to have a thoroughly wholesome, innocent and chaste date, it is Roz Doyle. Claire, the only reason Lana did what she did was out of love for her son.
Kirby looks contrite, Lana smacks him with her purse.
Frasier: And if I compromised my ethics, it was only because I found myself so... utterly beguiled by you.
Claire: Frasier, you are a strange and charming man.
Frasier: You have no idea.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene 5 - A Street in Seattle Fade in. Frasier is sitting on a stoop, talking into his cell phone.
Frasier: Hi, Lana, it's Frasier. Yeah, I was hoping I could uh, maybe switch times with Kirby tomorrow. Say, move it up to four o'clock, just after school? Great, great, good. Well, Claire and I have plans. Yeah, I guess we are hitting it off. [He laughs.] She said what about me? You're joking! Oh, you are joking. What DID she say about me? Really? Well, I guess it just proves she's a sucker for sophistication, taste and, dare I say it, old world charm.
A man on the stoop next to Frasier leans over.
Man: Hey buddy. If the cops come back around, can I stash something in your bag?
Frasier: I'll have to call you back.
He disconnects and puts the phone away, then pulls a sleeping bag up and hunkers down. The scene pulls back to reveal he is first in line next to a signboard reading "BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN TICKETS ON SALE SATURDAY
10:00 AM."
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is again sleeping next to Daphne, a smile on his face. As she begins to toss and turn, taking the covers with her, his smile stays and he simply rolls to his side. Daphne rolls up to cuddle behind him, then lashes out, pushing him off the bed, where he lands on a strategically placed mattress. Still smiling, he pulls a blanket over himself and settles down for the night.
Plan: A: Lana; Q: Who has agreed to ensure that Frasier gets a chance with Claire? A: her son; Q: Who is Kirby? A: a passing grade; Q: What does Lana want Kirby to get in U.S. History? A: their own arrangement; Q: What do Roz and Kirby come to? A: his prom; Q: What does Kirby promise to study hard for if Roz will accompany him to? A: a Bruce Springsteen concert; Q: What concert did Roz want to attend? A: the tickets; Q: What does Roz want to get for Bruce Springsteen's concert? Summary: Lana has agreed to ensure that Frasier gets a chance with Claire, if he tutors her son Kirby in U.S. History so that he gets a passing grade. Frasier finds Kirby difficult to motivate, until he introduces him to Roz. They come to their own arrangement: Kirby promises to study hard if Frasier can persuade Roz to accompany him to his prom. Roz has already asked Frasier for a particular day off, so she can queue for tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert, and he has refused. Now, therefore, he offers to get the tickets for her if she will do this for Kirby.