THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE GALAXY
PART ONE
Run time: 24:23
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Big Top
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Ringmaster: Now welcome folks, I'm sure you'd like to know, we're at the start of one big circus show. There are acts that are cool and acts that amaze. Some acts are scary and some acts will daze. Acts of all kinds, you can count on that, from folks that fly to disappearing acts. There are lots of surprises for the family at the Greatest Show in the Galaxy! So many strange surprises, I'm prepared to bet, whatever you've seen before, you ain't seen nothing yet.
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TARDIS
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Ace (O.C.): Professor?
The Doctor: Yes?
Ace (O.C.): Have you seen my Nitro Nine?
The Doctor: Isn't it in your rucksack?
Ace (O.C.): Yeah, but where's my rucksack?
The Doctor: Interesting question.
Ace: Things don't just vanish.
The Doctor: No.
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Landing bay
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TARDIS
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The Doctor: What's that peculiar noise?
Ace: What peculiar noise? I don't hear any peculiar.
The Doctor: How extraordinary.
The Doctor: It materialised inside the TARDIS. Just the kind of thing you'd expect to see in this part of the galaxy.
Ace: Is that just what you'd expect too, Professor?
The Doctor: Not entirely, no.
Advert: Yes, it's festival time at the Psychic Circus, the Greatest Show in the Galaxy! So why not come along and have the time of your life with the nonstop action of its glittering circus ring. There's big prizes...
Ace: No, I don't believe it. Junk mail. Used to get loads of this stuff through the letterbox and now we're being bombarded with it inside the TARDIS.
The Doctor: Yes, junk mail gets everywhere.
Advert: If you want to watch or you want to compete, there's a great time for you on the planet Segonax. The planet has easy access via our special polyportable landing bays.
The Doctor: Oh, Ace, I thought you'd have been interested in the circus.
Ace: No, kid's stuff. I went once. Didn't even have any tigers. It was naff and it was boring. Apart from the clowns, of course.
The Doctor: What, you found them funny?
Ace: No, creepy.
The Doctor: I think you're being very unfair. A lot of the acts in the circus require a great deal of skill and courage. That's something you should appreciate. Anyway, I rather fancy entering the Festival talent contest myself.
Ace: Oh no, not the spoons again.
Advert: Scared?
Ace: What?
Advert: Scared to come to the Psychic Circus?
Ace: No.
Advert: Scared to take part?
Ace: No, course not.
Advert: Well, if you are, then go ahead, ignore me. I quite understand.
Ace: I don't believe it. Junk mail that talks back.
The Doctor: Shall we just fling it away and forget about it? I mean, I'm sure the Psychic Circus isn't scary at all. It's just a device to get us to go.
Ace: Okay, you win, junk box. I'm not scared of anything.
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Segonax
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Flowerchild: Come on, we can't give up now.
Bellboy: They'll catch us, I know it. They'll drag us back to the circus.
Flowerchild: Oh, Bellboy, please. You promised. You know it's down to us now. We're the only ones left to fight. Come on.
Bellboy: Flowerchild, look. Your kites, your beautiful kites.
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Shoreline
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The Doctor: So this is Segonax. Not quite the green and pleasant land we'd been led to expect. Still, I've had good reports of the friendliness of the natives.
Ace: Don't see these landing bays, Professor.
The Doctor: Oh, I expect that's for those not fortunate enough to possess a TARDIS.
Ace: So now where?
The Doctor: I'll ask for directions over there.
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By the snack stall
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The Doctor: Good afternoon. I'm the Doctor, this is my friend Ace.
Stallholder: What sort of costume do you call that?
The Doctor: I don't understand.
Stallholder: And her's is no better. We don't want your type around here.
The Doctor: Ah, and what type might that be?
Stallholder: Wierdos. You can tell them at a glance, you know.
Ace: Friendly natives, eh, Professor?
The Doctor: Let's not be hasty.
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Shoreline
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Flowerchild: There's no choice.
Bellboy: No. The kites will track us forever.
Flowerchild: One of us must get there.
Flowerchild: I want you to have this.
Bellboy: Thanks. Look, I'll wait here awhile and see if I can find a longer route round. I shall draw them after me.
Flowerchild: No silly risks, now.
Bellboy: Go on. Go on.
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Segonax
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Clown: They can't have lost them.
Clown: I thought not.
Bellboy: Come on, kites. Find me.
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By the snack stall
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Ace: Yuck. Do we really have to eat this muck?
The Doctor: Elementary diplomacy, my dear Ace. She apparently thinks we're a pair of undesirable intergalactic hippies. We must try and convince her we're nice, clean-living people who eat up all our fresh fruit and pay our way.
Ace: Paying good money for this muck is daylight robbery. Do I have to finish it?
The Doctor: Every last bite. Besides, we want the charming lady to tell us how to find the circus, don't we. Delicious, madam. Quite delicious.
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Segonax
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Bellboy: Come on, then! It's me, Bellboy. It's who you're looking for, isn't it? What are you waiting for? Come on!
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By the snack stall
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Stallholder: More?
The Doctor: Er, no. Delicious but extremely filling. I'm sure you will have gathered by now, dear lady, we're not the kind of hobbledyhoys and vagabonds you take such exception to. Indeed, as I said before, I'm known as the Doctor.
Stallholder: Some people will call themselves anything.
The Doctor: Yes, well, be that as it may, we would appreciate your help. You see, we're looking for...
Stallholder: Here comes another one of your lot.
Ace: Look at that ace bike, Professor.
Ace: Need a hand? I reckon it could be a stuck valve.
Nord: Get lost.
Ace: It's a great bike.
Nord: Go on, hop it, before I get angry.
Ace: Well, if you don't want to save yourself some time, then it's up to you. Course, it could be a valve...
Nord: I've told you, girl, get lost! Or I'll do something horrible to your ears.
Ace: Suit yourself. I hope your big end goes.
Stallholder: He'll be going there. They all go there, you know.
The Doctor: Go where?
Stallholder: The Psychic Circus. All the riff-raff go there. All the infernal extraterrestrials like him. Monopods from Lelex, Doctors.
The Doctor: I don't understand. You say that he's going to the circus?
Stallholder: Of course. Everyone of them who's up to no good goes there. We locals wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.
The Doctor: Is it far, this appalling spectacle?
Stallholder: Miles and miles. Why do you suppose he's got that noisy monstrosity polluting the countryside? Here, you're not thinking of going there, are you?
The Doctor: No, no, the very idea, no. Just a moment, would you excuse me?
The Doctor: Ace, any chance of a lift, do you think?
Ace: Worth a try, I suppose. He doesn't look after that bike, you know. If only he'd let me have a go,
The Doctor: Yes, yes, never mind, Ace. Let's concentrate on getting a lift to the circus. Excuse me. If you're going to the circus, I wonder if could possibly give...
Nord: Do you want me to do something unpleasant to your face?
The Doctor: No, not really, no.
Nord: No one rides with me! For I am Nord, Vandal of the roads.
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Painted bus
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Conductor: Hold tight please.
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Segonax
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The Doctor: Well, there's nothing like a nice walk in the countryside.
Ace: And this is nothing like a nice walk in the countryside.
The Doctor: Now, now, now, it could be worse. You could be carrying that heavy rucksack of yours.
Ace: Yeah, what about my rucksack, Professor? What did you do with it?
The Doctor: They seem to be in rather a hurry. Looking for customers.
Ace: Well, I wouldn't be so chuffed if I kept getting visitors like Nord the Vandal, I suppose.
The Doctor: That's true. But then, how do they expect a hard case like him to going to the circus anyway?
Ace: Maybe he got conned, like I was.
The Doctor: Something evil's happened here, I can feel it.
Ace: To do with the circus?
The Doctor: Who knows.
Ace: Doctor, look.
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Campsite
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Captain: I was probably the first person to visit the valley for several millennia, at the very least. So something like this, which for the ordinary dull old stop-at-home might seem quite extraordinary, is just run of the mill as far as I'm concerned. Well, of course since you've never been...
Mags: Captain.
The Doctor: Greetings. I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Ace.
Captain: And I am Captain Cook, the eminent intergalactic explorer. You happen to have heard of me, old boy?
Mags: And I am Mags.
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Outside the Circus
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Nord: Oi, white-face. White-face! Where do I park for the gig at the Psychic Circus?
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Campsite
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Captain: Mmm, delicious. My own special blend, of course. I take it everywhere. Bet you can't guess the blend, eh, Doctor?
The Doctor: Well, I could be wrong, of course, but isn't it from the Groz Valley of Melogothon?
Captain: Good. Very good.
Ace: I'll give you a hand.
The Doctor: Oh, Ace, wait a minute.
Captain: Were you ever on Melogothon, Doctor?
The Doctor: Well as a matter of fact, I was.
Captain: The frozen pits of Overod are worth seeing, of course, though much overrated, I feel. All right for the trainee explorer. Old hands like myself need something a bit more exotic.
The Doctor: Why come here, then?
Captain: Sorry, old boy?
The Doctor: I said, why bother to come here?
Captain: Well, I'm told the Psychic Circus is quite an interesting little show, particularly at this time, when everybody turns up to compete in the Festival. Yes, besides, she wanted to come.
The Doctor: Do you often travel together?
Captain: Of late, yes. I found her on the planet Vulpana. Between you and me, old boy, she's rather an unusual little specimen.
The Doctor: Of what?
Captain: Ah, that would be telling, old boy. What about yours?
The Doctor: I never think of Ace as a specimen of anything.
Captain: Keep your shirt on, Doctor. Everything's a specimen of something. Take that robot over there, for example.
Ace: What do you reckon, Professor?
The Doctor: I suppose it was buried for some good reason.
Ace: Well, maybe we'll find out what that reason was, eh, Professor?
Ace: Gordon Bennett!
The Doctor: Quick. Help, Captain.
Captain: You don't often see one like that, do you.
The Doctor: I've seen ones like this quite often enough, thank you very much.
Ace: Do something! I've got it.
Captain: Well, well. More tea, perhaps?
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Segonax
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By the snack stall
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Bellboy: Excuse me.
Stallholder: You can't lie down there, you know.
Bellboy: At last.
Clown: Where's the girl?
Bellboy: She'll have reached there by now.
Clown: If she has, she'll regret it.
Stallholder: Is there no end to you wierdos?
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Painted bus
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Captain: It's obviously some sort of shrine. I saw one much like this on Dioscuros.
The Doctor: A shrine or not, I can't help feeling something sinister happened here.
Captain: I wonder you manage to explore anything. Everything seems to alarm you so.
The Doctor: Not everything. I trust my instincts, and you may recall they're not always wrong.
Ace: Oh, come on, Professor. Let's go and explore.
Captain: I agree with your young friend. Let's explore.
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On the bus
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Ace: Here, look at this.
Captain: I say. Well, well, well, it is quite something.
Ace: Wonder if it still goes.
Captain: Yes.
The Doctor: Ace, I wouldn't.
Conductor: Any more fares, please? Any more fares, please? No standing inside. Hold tight, please.
Captain: I say, steady on, old chap.
Conductor: Fares please. Hold on tight. Ding, ding.
Captain: No, no, no, you've got it wrong, old boy. He's paying the fares, not me.
Conductor: Any more fares?
The Doctor: I would like a ticket, actually. I'd like a there and back off peak weekend break supersaver senior citizen bimonthly season with optional added facilities a free cup of coffee in a plastic glass a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy, you mechanic moron!
The Doctor: If I might take a look at that ticket machine of yours?
The Doctor: Ah, yes.
The Doctor: Just the ticket.
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Ticket office
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Morgana: What have you done?
Clown: Not nearly enough.
Morgana: We need him.
Clown: He'll have to be punished, Morgana.
Bellboy: Flowerchild?
Morgana: No.
Bellboy: Flowerchild.
Morgana: Where is she?
Clown: He still thinks she may have escaped.
Morgana: Listen, Bellboy, I...
Clown: Save your breath. Take him back in the ring. He knows what's waiting there.
Bellboy: No. No. No! No! No!
Morgana: What if a visitor arrives now?
Clown: If they come, they come.
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Painted bus
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Captain: Letrepos, for example. Sights like this are every day.
The Doctor: Some people can't bear to be proved wrong.
Ace: He'd have let tinhead do you in.
The Doctor: Oh, let's not bear a grudge. He can't help being a pompous, selfish, self-satisfied meddler.
Ace: Hmm. Mags might be okay if he wasn't around.
The Doctor: If a little odd.
Ace: Doctor, look.
The Doctor: Do you like it?
Ace: Yeah.
The Doctor: Well, if the keeper's not here, the finder has it.
Ace: Ace.
Ace: What do you reckon happened here, Professor? Were the people in this bus attacked on their way to the circus?
The Doctor: Presumably. Whoever attacked them, destroyed them and wrecked the bus.
Ace: And the evil you felt, was that the bus conductor?
The Doctor: Yes, I think so. Anyway, whoever left him here on guard's gone now. Perhaps millennia ago.
Ace: Nothing to do with the circus being scary?
The Doctor: I'm afraid I think not. No, that was all just good publicity.
Ace: Pity. It might have made it more interesting. Are we still going there then?
The Doctor: Yes. I feel just in the right mood. And after two brushes with death in one day, I hope you might be.
Ace: If you say so, Doctor.
The Doctor: Ah, so, Doctor. You can remember.
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Outside the circus
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Captain: On one of my trips to Neogorgon there was a whole planet with electronic dogs' heads submerged in mud.
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By the snack stall
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Whizzkid: Hi!
Stallholder: Hello, young man. Just arrived from the landing port?
Whizzkid: That's right.
Stallholder: Oh, you've no idea what a relief for me it is to see such a nice, clean, respectable young man, after the riff-raff I usually have to deal with. Can I help you at all?
Whizzkid: Yes, please. Could you tell me the way to the Psychic Circus?
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Ticket office
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Clown: The show is about to start.
Morgana: I've seen enough already.
Captain: Greetings, my good woman. This is the Psychic Circus, isn't it?
Morgana: Why yes, that's right.
Captain: Ah, sounds like things are going well. Come along, Mags.
Morgana: But er...
Captain: But what?
Morgana: You can't go in just now. There is a speciality act being rehearsed.
Captain: All the better, my dear.
Morgana: No, you don't understand.
Captain: Thank you, my good fellow. Thank you.
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Outside the Circus
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The Doctor: Not as far as we feared. Look.
Ace: I still think clowns are creepy.
The Doctor: Nonsense.
The Doctor: Listen, they're having a good time in there.
Ace: Don't you hear it?
The Doctor: Hear what?
Ace: That screaming.
The Doctor: I can't hear anything.
Ace: I was sure I heard...
The Doctor: Oh, you're just making excuses because you don't like circuses.
Ace: No. No, it's not that.
The Doctor: Well, are we going in or aren't we?
Plan: A: the Psychic Circus; Q: Where did Bellboy and Flowerchild escape from? A: the Chief Clown; Q: Who chases Bellboy and Flowerchild? A: Segonax; Q: Where do the Doctor and Ace meet other visitors? Summary: Bellboy and Flowerchild escape the Psychic Circus but are pursued by the Chief Clown. The Doctor and Ace meet other visitors to Segonax, some of whom are not what they seem...