Title: "I Married an Alien" 54th Episode of Roswell
Production Code: 3ADA11
[SCENE_BREAK]
Doorbell Rings. Isabel opens the door to Max and Michael
Isabel : Honey the painters are here.
Michael: Yeah thats funny. Come on move out of the way, this crap is heavy.
Jesse: Hey Guys
Max: Hey
Jesse: You sure you don't want me to stay and help out.
Michael: Uh, actually there's a uh couple of cans outside.
Isabel: But they can manage.
Max: Right, our treat. Seriously its a, its a housewarming gift from us to you
Michael: Yeah and a wedding gift, its combined.
Isabel: (laughs) Don't be silly. The wedding gift will be seperate.
Michael: Of course it will.
Isabel: Hmm.
Jesse: Well its, its just very generous of you to take your Saturday out to paint our apartment.
Max: Ah it won't take us that long we're pretty fast.
Isabel: Come on, Honey. You're going to be late, my dad hates late.
Jesse: Ok, allright, uh see you guys later and thanks.
Isabel: Bye (kisses jesse) Have fun.
Michael: No problem. Isabel closes the door.
Michael: You know you could've probably done this yourself.
Isabel: Right, Jesse was going to let his wife paint the entire apartment all by herself.
Max: You know what colour you want?
Isabel: Tusant Ochre or ? brick red.
Michael: Here we go.
Isabel: I need to see it in this space. So, uh Max you take ochre to that wall. And Michael you take red to that one, k then I'll decide. Maybe. Michael and Max go to there seperate walls and place their hands on the wall. It then changes to the colour they are holding.
Michael: I'm exahausted. Im takin a break.
Max: Like the ochre.
Isabel: Hmm. Michael turns on the tv. A rerun of Bewitched is playing.
Samantha: Now I don't know whats going to happen...
Michael: Oh Nichalodeon's having a marathon of Bewitched. My weekends set.
Isabel: Who are you and what have you done to Michael?
Max: The whole Maria thing. Ever since they broke up he's been getting into the tube. Its getting pathetic.
Michael: Oh, this is the one where Samantha turns Darren into a goose. Thats good.
Max: You need a hobby man.
Michael: What like golf? Ridin around in some stupid cart? Jesse starts opening the door.
Isabel: op Jessie oh Gosh. She runs for the door. And slams and locks it as he is opening it.
Jesse: Hey Isabel, its me.
Isabel: Sorry honey, theres a ladder in front of the door. Hold on one Second. Max and Michael quickly change the room back to its original color.
Max: Oh no, thats wrong, it was a Navaho white. Thats more eggshell.
Michael: And im the one who needs a hobby.
Jesse: Everything ok in there?
Isabel: Yeah its fine, its fine, yeah sorry, (opens door)sorry. Forget something? Jesse goes into the hall closet for his golf balls.
Jesse: Yeah, my balls. Michael bursts out laughing.
Jesse: Were you guys just talking about me?
Isabel: Thats a little paranoid dont you think? I mean the whole world doesnt evolve around you.
Max: It revolves around Michael.
Michael: Uh thats a fact.
Jesse: OK, Bye.
Isabel: Bye (kisses Jesse and closes the door)
Michael: That was fun.
Isabel: (looking at the tv) She had it so easy.
Michael: What are you talking about? Take a look beyond the surface and you'll see the truth. Samantha takes pride in her witchcraft and she's made to suffer for it in an uncaring secular world. Shes a modern day Athena.
Isabel: hmm (chuckling)
Max: Swell my head's gonna explode.
Isabel: Well At least Darren knew she was a witch, shes not having to run around hiding her powers from her own husband. Well think about how much easier my life would be if Jesse could just know who I really am.
Michael: Yeah that'd be a classic show. You could call it I married an Alien.
Isabel: Huh, Yeah (watching the show again, thinking) Isabel and Jesse in a sitcom on the tv.
Jesse: Isabel how many times do I have to tell you not to leave your alien orbs in the car.
Isabel: Sorry dear. They hug.
Isabel: Yeah that would be some show.
Fades to black and brings up a classic I Married and Alien screen. With a little cartoon.
Isabel: (clapping in the background) Well this is certainly no way to start a morning. Uses her powers to clean up the kitchen.
Isable: hmm I think we'll have french toast, and sausage (uses her powers to get the bread and ingredients) Jesse walks in (with clapping in the background)
Jesse: Isabel how many times do I have to tell you no alien powers in the house. (sniffs) Is that french toast?
Isabel: (lifts lid to frying pan) Um hmm.
Jesse: Well maybe just this once. (laughter in the background) Back to reality
Jesse: Good Morning.
Isabel: Good Morning honey.
Jesse: Ahh
Isabel: K, Here's this (handing Jesse a cup of coffee) This time, I think I have really... burnt it again. I think there's something wrong with the stove.
(Squirts syrup on the french toast she burnt)
Jesse: mm Well the orange juice is perfect.
Isabel. Hmm good, fresh squeezed. Jesse tries the french toast.
Jesse: mm (spits it out)
Isabel: Ok, oh its 8:58.
Jesse: Oh Gosh, I gotta go.
Isabel: Yeah
Jesse: I got an appointment with Judge Lincoln(?)..at 9:15... If it was anyone else.
Isabel: I know (kisses Jesse) Great to study (?)
Jesse: I'll see you later.
Isabel: Ok. Back to sitcom. Kyle walks into the apartment. Clapping in the background.
Kyle: Hello.
Isabel: Hello Kyle.
Kyle: Know what this is?
Isabel: A carberator.
Kyle: No... its a carbera... How'd you know that?
Isabel: Im a modern woman.
Kyle: Right. Anyway it may look like a carborator, but in reality its a gold mine. They sit down to the kitchen table.
Isabel: hmm its a little small for a gold mine don't you think?
Kyle: Yes but what if this were a special carberator. One that made it possible for a car to get 300 miles to the gallon.
Isabel: Kyle.
Kyle: 200
Isabel: You know Jesse doesnt like it when I use my powers in your get rich quick schemes.
Kyle: Scheme, scheme, what scheme? This isnt a scheme this is a gift to mankind.
Isabel: Oh. So I suppose if its a gift you wont be charging money for it.
Kyle: Well its not a free gift. (laughing in the background) Back to reality.
Isabel: Why do you always come to me with these things.
Kyle: I'm sorry, but I couldnt figure it out and Tobey's been on my ass all week. All it has to do is work, it doesnt even have to work well. Just so it works.
Isabel: All right (touches the carberator)
Kyle: Thank you...(claps Isabel on the shoulder)
Isabel: mm Back to the sitcom. Knock on the door and in walks Maria.
Maria: Hey ho. Everyone doing fine. Lots of fun and laughs around the old Remerez house mmm...(Isabel smiles) good. Now, where is that good for nothing boyfriend of mine.
Isabel: (looking sheepish) Got me.
Kyle: I was just leaving (gets up to leave) Maria grabs Kyles ear.
Maria: Not so fast, Valenti.
Kyle: (squirming) Okay, okay, okay. Hes on Neptune.
Maria: Neptune. He was just there last week.
Kyle: Hes buying you a present for your birthday.
Maria: (claps her hands) Oh A present for me. What is it? What can someone buy on Neptune? How much is he going to spend tell me everything. Back to reality.
Maria: So he wants to take me out for my birthday next week and I don't know.
Kyle: Whats the harm?
Isabel: Well the harm is that a birthday dinner by definition is sentimental.
Maria: And sentimental leads to a goodnight kiss.
Isabel: Goodnight kiss leads to s*x.
Kyle: (looking bewildered) I should write that down.
Maria: Anyway the reason i'm here is, my birthday is next week and I was kindof thinking that I need some change.
Isabel: You want me to lengthen your hair again?
Maria: Y'Maybe, you know, or maybe not, maybe I just want some color or some like highlights this time. Doorbell rings.
Isabel: Maria, I am not your personal hair genie. Isabel gets up to get the door.
Isabel: Yes
Eric: Hi. A-are you Isabel?
Isabel: Yes.
Eric: Um. I'm Eric. Eric Hughes. Jesse's friend from cornell.
Isabel: From Cornell...of course come in. Come in I'm sorry.
Eric: Thank you
Isabel: Come in. So what are you doing here?
Eric: Uh well, I just had a gig in Texas, and I thought that New Mexico was next door so... Eric sees Maria and Kyle.
Eric: Hi (waves) Maria and Kyle wave back.
Isabel: Thats so great. Jesse's going to be so excited to see you. He was so disappointed to hear that you couldnt make it to the wedding.
Eric: I know I'm sorry about that.
Isabel: Don't worry about it.
Eric: No no I had the best intentions, uh I was on the road, and I was going to drive straight through from Atlanta , but then I got kinda sidetracked I got this gig in St. Paul and another in Chicago...
Isabel: Oh, are you a musician?
Eric: (laughs) No no I'm a reporter. Back to Sitcom.
Isabel: A Reporter...
Maria: mmm we should be...
Kyle: Leaving what a good idea. They get up to leave.
Kyle: Bye Isabel.
Eric: Must say I was surprised to hear old Jesse was getting hitched. You must be somethin out of the ordinary.
Isabel: Me? No. (laughs nervously) So, How long will you be staying in Roswell?
Eric: Um, until I find me a story. My editor's been driving me crazy. Says I have to come up with a slam bang piece of investigative journalism something that really knocks the lid of the place. Or else I gotta find me another line of work. Back to reality
Isabel: You have to stay, Jesse is so excited to see you, hes always talking about you and the guys from the fraturnity.
Eric: Its all good I hope.
Isabel: Well, he glosses over the good stuff. Makes it sound like you spent all your free time discussing and studying ? philosophy.
Eric: (laughs) He must be a lawyer. They sit down on the couch.
Eric: Um I appreciate you letting me stay on the couch, I'll try not to get in the way. Who knows maybe while im here I can get myself a story. This is Roswell after all, So know where I can find any aliens? They both laugh. Isabel nervously looks away. Later that evening...
Eric: Yeah I got an e-mail from Keith the other day. He says hes going to join the peace corps.
Jesse: Come on hes been saying that for years. He doesnt even like dirt hows he going to dig wells for people
Eric: In coming... They drink a beer as Isabel brings in bedding.
Isabel: Well you can take the boys out of college...
Jesse: Sorry
Eric: Oh my gosh, I dont believe you guys still have this cd.
Jesse: Oh
Eric: Prepare to enter the time shift. Jesse laughs.
Isabel: I think that s my cue to go to bed.
Jesse: Oh come on its early. Come on.
Isabel: Early nineties maybe. I dont think so. Goodnight. Isabel kisses Jesse Goodnight.
Jesse: Goodnight. Eric puts on a cd. In the bedroom Isabel worrys over what this new revelation could mean. The guys get confortable on the couch drinking beer.
Eric: Just like the good old days man, where s the bomb?
Jesse: Shhh she doesnt know I used to get high?
Eric: What? What your keeping secrets from your wife?
Jesse: I dont know were just still getting to know each other.
Eric: Hey dude your supposed to do that before you get married.
Jesse: mm In a perfect world...
Eric: Well how many secrets are you keeping from her?
Jesse: Hmm. Not as many as she has.
Eric: What?
Jesse: Nothing.
Eric: Come on dude. Look who your talking to. Je- must I remind you of the notorious the infamous Kate Hopkins episode? They laugh.
Eric: And her monsterous lacross playing 6 foot 3 boyfriend...
Jesse: Yeah you saved my ass. I remember.
Eric: Yeah I did, come on.
Jesse: I dont, I dont know man just, its just weird, I feel theres a part of Isabel's life she doesnt want to share with me.
Eric: Like what?
Jesse: Like I dont know, just every once in a while something weird happens. Like the other day im fixing the ice maker. K, you know me Im getting pissed of and banging the thing, im cursing, like thats going to help. Then she comes in she says take a break, so im headed to the bahroom and I glance back and her hands on the ice maker.
Eric: So
Jesse: So when I come back its fixed. It works perfectly.
Eric: hmm well you know, in my perfessional opinion, im going to have to say, that that is not a story.
Jesse: Ok fine but what about her brother Max? He breaks my nose the night before our wedding.
Eric: He broke your nose?
Jesse: Yup, its a long story I'll tell you later. But he breaks my nose and he heals it with a steak the next day.
Eric: What do you mean a steak, Like
Jesse: Like a steak, I mean he completely heals a very broken nose i-in about 30 seconds. Its just weird, sjust really weird.
Eric: Huh. Well maybe...maybe shes an alien. Jesse man you married one of the Roswell aliens. They both break out laughing.
Eric: Its like, its like I dreamed of Jeannie for a new millinium man. They continue to laugh.
Jesse: Shut up shut up. Eric. Barump bum bum bum bum bum... Back to the sitcom. Jesse walks into the bedroom as Isabel sits on the bed reading.
Jesse: We're in trouble.
Isabel: Why?
Jesse: He wants to stay the night.
Isabel: I wouldnt worry about it dear.
Jesse: Oh sure theres a reporter sleeping on our couch thats looking for the story of the century and I shouldnt worry about it. Sitting on Isabels bed...pipe in hand.
Isabel: Sweetheart dont worry. I promise I wont use my powers while hes around. (she hugs Jesse) Everythings going to be fine. Back to reality. Jesse gets undressed.
Isabel: Kinda late.
Jesse: Well sorry, I didnt mean to wake you up.
Isabel: Its ok, did you two have fun?
Jesse: (laughs) Oh yeah.
Isabel: What?
Jesse: Nothing. Its just Eric went off on this whole thing about writing a story. (laughs again) Ah a story about you being one' of the Roswell aliens. Isabels not smiling... Next morning... Max walks in on Michael still watching Bewitched reruns.
Max: Ok this is offically not funny anymore.
Michael: Id ask what your problem is Maxwell but I really dont care. Max turns off the tv with his powers.
Max: Michael you have got to get a life.
Michael: Thanks for the heartfelt advice. You can leave now. Turns the tv back on...
Max: Im serious. You are going to rot whats left of your brain with this. He turns the tv back off.
Michael: Im showing an interest in the classics. Turns it back on.
Max: You're wallowing in self pity. Turns it off again.
Michael: You know what this is my apartment. If I want to sit and wallow which im not then thats my business. Goes to turn the tv back on and blows it up.
Michael: Great thanks.
Max: Oh yeah thats my fault. Im outta here, I'll see you later. He Leaves. Back to Isabel's apartment and a mess. She goes back to the sitcom. Waves her hand and the vaccum starts cleaning. She precedes to clean up with her powers. Back to reality and the fact that things are done by hand as she throws a beer bottle in the trash. Jesse comes in.
Jesse: The place is a wreck I know, um, we'll clean it up when we get back I swear k? Knocks on Bathroom door.
Jesse: Come on lets go, we're going to be late.
Eric: Yayaya. You know I have an idea.
Jesse: First time for everything. They laugh.
Eric: I want to write a story about you and Isabel. Its a story about how two people who marry in a hurry and then have to do all the getting to know you stuff later.
Isabel: Sounds boring to me.
Eric: Oh, but im going to pitch it so it sounds great. Hot shot lawyer marries small town girl after a whirlwind romance. My editor loves that kind of crap.
Jesse: Wha' are you saying the story of our marriage is crap.
Eric: Yeah its good solid heartwinning crap. Come on you guys I need your help. I need to sell something.
Isabel: I dont that I really feel like being in a magazine right now. Door knocks.
Isabel : Hey Max walks in.
Max: Hey
Jesse: Hey max. This is Eric my friend, uh Eric, this is max my brother in law.
Max: Hi.
Eric: Oh your the guy with the ah (points to his nose) the special healing powers. Back to the sitcom. Max waves his hand and Eric turns into a dog. Isabel sighs.
Max: Somebody want tell me what s going on?
Jesse: MAX! You just cant go around turning people into dogs.
Max: I wont stand here and be lectured by the descendant of an ape.
Isabel: Max, change him back please.
Max: He seems to know our little secret. Now how could that have happened?
Jesse: He doesn't know anything, uh, uh, unless of course he's seen you flying around the neighborhood In the saucer again?
Max: You go for one joy ride and they never let you forget it.
Isabel: Max, I, I-I don't want him to piddle on the carpet.
Max: In a minute. Speaking of the saucer, Michael burned out the cloaking device so I had to park it in your basement for now.
Jesse: In the basement?
Max: Am I speaking too fast for your human brain to follow?
Jesse: How did you get it in there?
Isabel: He used the time space slipstream dear.
Max: Duh.
Jesse: Great! There's a reporter in the house with a flying saucer in the basement.
Max: Want me to take him to the pound? Jesse Picks up the Dog.
Isabel: Just change him back please!
Max: Oh, Very well. (He changes him back and Jesse ends up holding Eric in his arms) Which he drops quickly. Back to Reality.
Max: Nice to meet you.
Jesse: All right, I'll see you later (Kisses Isabel)
Isabel: Bye. Have fun. Bye. Eric and Jesse leave. Isabel turns to Max.
Isabel: Yeah. Jesse told him about the whole broken nose incident and they've been yakkin' it up Ever since about how I'm from a family of aliens. Max smiles.
Isabel: You think that's funny.
Max: Wha, yeah, I mean in an ironic sort of way. They're just kidding around if you make a big deal Out of it, it'll look suspicious.
Isabel: Yeah maybe. What are you doing here?
Max: Inviting my sister to have a delicious piping hot breakfast before her first class. My treat.
Isabel: Huh, Where? Max smiles. At the Golf Club. Eric, Jesse and Mr. Evans are playing a game of Golf.
Eric: So uh, when did you meet Isabel?
Jesse: July 5th.
Eric: July 5th that's your birthday?
Jesse: Yeah, how's that for a present?
Eric: Man, they're gonna eat this thing up. He pulls out a flask.
Jesse: Eh, eh! Did you bring enough for everyone, uh?
Eric: Yes, where are my manners? So let me ask you this, was she still jailbait when you met her? Mr. Evans looks up.
Jesse: She was 18. Moron.
Eric: Sorry. Suddenly as Jesse lifts the flask to take a swig. A golf ball comes shooting out of nowhere and hits the flask, then the golf cart, then into the hole. Michael walks up to the baffled men.
Michael: Yeah! Sorry uh, oh, four! Four! Everybody! Four! (He picks up his ball) Mr.Evans, Jesse.
Jesse: Hey uh, Michael did you meet my friend Eric?
Michael: (shakes his hand) Oh hey.
Eric: Hi.
Mr. Evans: I didn't know you played golf?
Michael: Just starting. Looking to get out of the house. Did you see that shot off the golf cart, in the hole? You don't see that everyday.
Mr. Evans: Michael I'm gonna go out on a limb here and take a guess you're not a member of the Glen Hills Country Club?
Michael: Not officially.
Mr. Evans: Then you'd better stick with us.
Michael: Cool. We playing for money or what? Outside the Crashdown.
Isabel: You don't need me as a chaperone. Liz's father has given you the green light for you guys To be together.
Max: I just don't want her dad to think I'm some loser, who doesn't have anything better to do all morning than to Sit in a booth and wait for Liz to get off work.
Isabel: Huh. Must I make the obvious comment?
Max: Please don't. They walk in. Back to the sitcom.
Liz: Max.
Max: Liz.
Liz: Max.
Max: Liz.
Isabel: Can we get a table for two?
Liz: Oh, certainly Isabel. You must be here to have breakfast with Max. 'Cause he's certainly not here just to see me. Are you Max? (she winks at him)
Max: Certainly not.
Liz: This way. They follow her to a table. She looks at Max and sighs, then walks away.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Back to the golf game.
Eric: So how long have you known Max and Isabel?
Michael: Long, long time. We kind of gravitated toward each other in Elementary. (He puts his ball down on the tee. You know none of us had parents. I was in the foster system. (he swings) Uh, slice.
Mr.Evans: Uh, you picked your head up at the last minute.
Jesse: Yeah that's in the trees. You want to take a Mulligan?
Michael: NA, I don't do drugs. All right, you guys play ahead I gotta go find my ball. They look after him confused. Back at the Crashdown.
Isabel: So I've been doing some more thinking about this whole Bewitched idea.
Max: You have.
Isabel: Yes. And the more and more I think about it the more convinced I am that it would be in Everyone's best interest to bring my Darren in on the secret.
Max: (eating) mmhmm.
Isabel: Yeah. I mean, as it is now, Jesse's a wild card. For example, if he knew the secret, he would Know what to say and what not to say to his buddy the reporter looking for a hot story.
Max: You have a point.
Isabel: Yeah.
Max: Let me think about it
Liz: Everything ok?
Max: Yeah, just uh, talking about how things would be much easier if we lived in a sitcom.
Liz: Like Frasier?
Max: More like My Favorite Martian.
Isabel: I'm talking more like Bewitched.
Mr. Parker: Liz? Back to the sitcom.
Mr. Parker: Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter! (Holds up a butcher's cleaver)
Max: I-I'm just having breakfast with my sister. (Points at Isabel) See, here she is my sister. Say hi sister.
Isabel: Hi, sister.
Mr.Parker: If I catch you with you're hands on my daughter, why I'll. (He goes to hit him with the Cleaver and Max turns it into flowers)
Max: Gee. Thanks Mr.Parker. (Smells the flowers) They're lovely. Back to the golf game. They drive up in the golf cart.
Eric: So that kid's an emancipated minor.
Jesse: Yup. Our firm handled the case. Watch this on the green in two.
Eric: Eh, uh, you wouldn't mind if I uh. (Emulates smoking a joint)
Jesse: What got stoned on the fairway. Yes. This is my father in law's private club. Just go in the bushes like everyone else. He goes into the bushes and sees Michael parting the trees with his powers to make a clean shot. Back at the Remerez apartment.
Jesse: No one, (he laughs) and I mean no one is going to print that.
Eric: All right, maybe not the New York Times dude but definitely the Post.
Jesse: Oh, come on Eric give me a break. What the
Eric: Hey, Look, Look. I know what it sounds like but I saw what I saw.
Jesse: Yeah, ok (he laughs hysterically as Isabel walks in the door)
Isabel: What's up?
Jesse: Oh, honey you're gonna love this. Go ahead tell her.
Eric: All right. You know your friend Michael? He waved his hand and it wa I don't know it was like He had super powers or something
Jesse: Yeah he had super powers (he holds the beer bottles he was throwing away up to his eyes like They were ray guns and laughs hysterically again)
Eric: All right! All kidding aside I'm telling you there is something definitely strange about that Kid. I don't know if it's because he's a psychic or a space alien or what. (Jesse puts the beer bottles On his head and laughs) But one thing is for sure. Michael Guerin is definitely not of this world. Isabel is not smiling anymore. Later on the phone with Michael.
Isabel: You idiot!
Michael: How was I supposed to know he was watching?
Isabel: Here's a thought. Maybe you shouldn't be using your powers to improve your golf game.
Michael: I didn't think there was anyone around ok?
Isabel: Well that right there is a problem. You didn't think. Back to the Sitcom.
Sitcom Isabel: Well, now you've really done it. Eric wants to interview you for his article. What are You going to do?
Sitcom Michael: What if I fused his vocal chords together? Then he couldn't tell anyone anything.
Sitcom Isabel: He's a writer. He'll just write it down.
Sitcom Michael: I could fuse his fingers together too.
Sitcom Isabel: That's not going to work.
Isabel: We need a real plan. They merge the two together.
Michael: I'll talk to him ok?
Sitcom Michael: I'll think of something.
Sitcom Isabel: Why doesn't that fill me with confidence?
Isabel: I can't believe this is happening.
Michael: Will you relax, I'm on it.
Sitcom Isabel: On what?
Sitcom Michael: What?
Isabel: (looks up) Are you talking to me?
Michael: Who else would I be talking to?
Sitcom Isabel: So you're on it?
Sitcom Michael: On what?
Michael: Are you ok?
Sitcom Isabel: What?
Isabel: What?
Sitcom Michael: What?
Michael and Sitcom Isabel: What?
Isabel: Uh, I-I-I'm getting confused. Can we, can we just all take a minute ok? Ok, Michael What are you going to tell Eric?
Michael: I'll think of something.
Isabel: I don't know what worries me more when you don't think or when you do.
Michael: That's funny. You should be on a sitcom.
Sitcom Michael: Hey I was gonna say that.
Sitcom Isabel: Don't talk to them.
Isabel: Let's just all hang up. Ok. Michael I'll see you in an hour. At the crashdown.
Eric: I know what I saw Michael.
Michael: Yeah you saw me wave a magic wand and bend a tree. Jesse Laughs.
Eric: No wand it was just your hand. (holds up his hand)
Michael: Let me ask you something what was really in the flask?
Eric: Scotch.
Michael: What were you doing in the bushes?
Eric: I was looking for a place to you know, relieve myself.
Michael: Come on. You weren't (Michael makes like he's smoking a joint)
Eric: That was just a little, just a little.
Jesse: Yeah right.
Eric: Ok, dude it wasn't like the fat ones you used to roll in the old days. All right. Back to the sitcom. Jesse kicks him under the table.
Eric: Ow!
Isabel: In the old days? Care to elaborate Mr. Remerez?
Jesse: Na-Not really honey. Uh, you know it was college uh, Ra ra sis boom ba?
Michael: Nice typewriter. (he goes to turn it around) Back to reality.
Michael: What is it a, G4? (he pulls the desktop's cover back to take a look)
Eric: Uh no. Its just a, it's just an old dinosaur. He goes to type something in and the whole computer goes down.
Eric: Aw, don't tell me this. (he hits the keyboard)
Isabel: Sweetheart can I see you outside for a minute?
Jesse: Yeah. Sure. Eric still trying to figure out why his computer died.
Michael: Technology. Outside.
Jesse: Hey look, I stopped smoking a long time ago.
Isabel: I don't care about that. All right. I want you to get Eric to drop the story all of it. No more Research, no more questions, no more digging into my past.
Jesse: Whoa, wha the what's going on? I mean it's just some stupid thing Eric's making up to Get a byline.
Isabel: No, I-it's more than that all right. First he's asking me questions, then it's my friends next It's gonna be my parents. I want it to stop. Now!
Jesse: Why?
Isabel: Because. Ok, because the past is something that I'm trying to leave behind. Ok. It brings Up a lot of issues for me. Max and I were just dumped in the desert when we were little kids by our Real parents I mean what kind of people do that? What kind of family am I from? You know I don't Want to know the answer and I-I don't even want to ask the question. I j
Jesse: Ok. I'll take care of it, ok? He hugs her.
Isabel: Thank you. Back at Jesse's office.
Jesse: So do me a favor drop the story on Isabel and me all right?
Eric: Yeah. Fine whatever man.
Jesse: Eh! I'm serious.
Eric: I'm serious too, I hear you. I'll drop the story I promise. Let me ask you something am I Insane or did Michael touch this computer right before it crashed.
Jesse: Hey you know something you're right. You're insane.
Eric: Well this thing is totally screwed. Mind if I use your computer just to check my e-mail.
Jesse: Go ahead. I'm in court until 4. Look you up for dinner later?
Eric: Ha ha, do I have any other options?
Jesse: Later.
Eric: Good luck. Jesse leaves and Eric goes into the firm's files until he finds Michael's emancipation papers. In the park with the social worker that took care of Michael's case.
Social Worker: You know, all adoptions and foster records are supposed to be confidential.
Eric: I understand that look, I won't use your name in the article and I won't quote you directly. I'm just, I'm trying to do some background research on Michael Guerin and I was wondering if you Could help. You know uh, was there anything unusual about Michael, anything out of the ordinary?
Social Worker: No. Well there was this one incident in 1989. It was right after the county placed him In his foster home. He'd been there less than two days when we get this phone call about this Unusual event.
Eric: An event?
Social Worker: They said Michael made the kitchen table levitate off the floor. Bout three feet Off the floor.
Eric: That that's a little odd for a six-year-old.
Social Worker: mmhmm.
Eric: Um, would that be in the county records?
Social Worker: You think we were gonna put something like that in a government file? Uh, and you Know to be honest with you, you know Michael's foster father, he wasn't exactly reliable. You know.
(Makes like she's drinking)
Eric: Yeah. Anything else?
Social Worker: No. I mean, other than the way he came to us. You know a little kid was found just wandering out in the desert like that.
Eric: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I thought that Max and Isabel were the ones that were found
Wandering in the desert.
Social Worker: They were. Bout a week before.
Eric: Now that. That's a story. Back at the Remerez apartment.
Eric: I got my story. NA, I really got it.
Jesse: What is it?
Eric: It's about three little kids found wandering in the desert. It's about three little kids with special Powers. It's about Max, Michael and Isabel.
Jesse: Man you told me you were dropping this.
Eric: Yeah. No. I did and dude I swear to Gosh I was going to, (Isabel walks in and listens from behind The wall) but then I get a call from one of my sources who tells me this social worker who's got a story and does she ever. She tells me that Michael Guerin was levitating tables at the age of six.
Jesse: (He laughs) you don't believe that?
Eric: Uh, doesn't matter, I don't have to believe it, I don't even have to prove it. All I need are credible sources and between the social worker and you. I got plenty.
Jesse: Me!
Eric: Yeah, yeah the broken nose incident with the meat, the uh, mysterious icemaker incident.
Jesse: Uh that wasn't for you to write.
Eric: Dude relax, I'm not gonna use your name. Come on Jesse. This could be huge for me don't You get it. Look it, look it, I've got mysteriously sealed records, I've got anonymous sources this thing Has government conspiracy written all over it. I mean th-the story is gonna go national.
Jesse: J-jus w-wait. Ok. Slow down. What is the story?
Eric: Max, Michael and Isabel. They're the Roswell aliens. Back in the sitcom.
Eric: Oh my gosh! I-I
Jesse: Settle down.
Isabel: What's wrong?
Eric: There is a spaceship in the basement. They both look sheepish. In the spaceship in the basement.
Isabel: This is bad, this is really bad.
Max: (Hits Michael in the head) None of this would have happened if you hadn't gotten careless With your powers.
Michael: Hey it's not my fault. Except for the part that is.
Isabel: Well what are we going to do?
Max: I guess we're going to have to find another planet to hide out on.
Isabel: Well I like this planet.
Michael: Me too. Where else are you going to find another planet that has Whoppers and Big Macs.
Isabel and Max: Shut up. Back to reality.
Michael: I think you both are overreacting. No serious magazine is going to print that story. Three Alien kids in the desert, it's ridiculous. The best thing he's gonna do is get some quick cash from Some tabloid.
Isabel: Yeah and they're going to plaster our faces all over the cover of the Enquirer.
Max: It'll draw attention. Even if people don't believe it at first, it'll make people think.
Michael: Fine so it's really bad and it's all my fault! Is everybody happy now.
Isabel: This isn't helping Michael.
Michael: What are we gonna do?
Max: I have no idea. Later that night at the Remerez apt. Isabel gets into bed
Jesse: I'm awake.
Isabel: Oh. It's late.
Jesse: Yeah, where have you been?
Isabel: I just went for a walk.
Jesse: Can I ask you something?
Isabel: Sure.
Jesse: Is there anything, unusual about you, anything I should know about?
Isabel: Like what?
Jesse: I don't know exactly, but just, some strange things have happened and things that I tried to Ignore but I can't. So, I guess I'm asking or Do you have some kind of psychic ability?
Isabel: Psychic. They both laugh.
Jesse: I know that is sounds certain things just make me wonder
Isabel: Like what?
Jesse: (sighs) Like our s*x life. Uh not that I'm complaining. Well it's s*x with you it's almost Hallusinagenic, like I'm on acid or something. N-Not that I've ever done that. What, I-I'm just I don't know I mean it's just weird. I love it, I love it, it-it's definitely weird. Back to the sitcom.
Jesse: So uh are you ready for a little uh (raises his eyebrows) Isabel smiles and uses her powers to get rid of a lamp and pull the bed close. Jesse laughs. Back to reality. Isabel turns on their bedroom light.
Jesse: Aw.
Isabel: Jesse are you stoned?
Jesse: Aw, I'm such an idiot.
Isabel: Psychic like, Carrie?
Jesse: Ok. Stop.
Isabel: You sure you went to Harvard?
Jesse: Look forget it, ok, just forget it. Turn off the light I feel stupid in the light. (he goes to turn off the light)
Isabel: Oh but in the dark, (she turns it back on) it's ok to think that you're married to a witch.
Jesse: Yes. Turn it off. Come on turn it off. She turns it off.
Jesse: (he laughs) I can't believe I said that.
Isabel: (as she lays down beside him) Yeah.
Jesse: If you think that sounded crazy wait til you hear Eric's latest idea.
Isabel: What's that?
Jesse: (sighs) You're never gonna believe this, he's actually got a story that sounds like you, Max and Michael are all (he laughs) the Roswell aliens. Isabel laughs half-heartedly.
Jesse: Yeah.
Isabel: Wow. Back at the office.
Mr.Evans: The Roswell aliens? They both laugh.
Mr.Evans: NA that's crazy.
Jesse: He's just trying to make a sale. But I seriously doubt he even believes it himself.
Mr.Evans: So who was this social worker that fed him this nonsense about the kids having psychic Powers?
Jesse: He wouldn't say. He said he promised her anonymity. And uh, frankly I don't even know How he tracked this person down. You know, all those records are supposed to be kept under seal.
Mr.Evans: You know what? We might have her name. Pull Michael's emancipation file. I-It Might have a list of his counselors over at County Services.
Jesse: That's a good idea. Jesse goes over to check for the file and finds it missing.
Jesse: Its not here.
Mr. Evans: What do you mean?
Jesse: It's not here. Unless it was misfiled or Back at the apartment
Jesse: You stole it!
Eric: Aw, come on Jesse I was gonna give it back tomorrow. It's no big deal.
Jesse: You know what you did is a felony?! That I can have you arrested just by picking up the Phone!
Eric: Hey easy. I know you're pissed off but I'm just doing my job. I am a reporter Jesse. It's a Good story.
Jesse: Well not anymore it isn't. (he hands him a paper)
Eric: What is this?
Jesse: That's an injunction. Preventing you from selling or attempting to sell any information based On illegal access to records protected by attorney client privilege. Back to the sitcom. Isabel uses her powers to change Eric into a parrot.
Jesse: Sorry we had to do this to ya.
Isabel: But you really didn't leave us much choice.
Parrot/Eric: Squack. She's an alien.
Jesse: So what should we do with him?
Isabel: (Sighs) I'm thinking the pet store. A nice little boy would love to take you home.
Parrot/Eric: Squack, I'm not an animal. Squack, I'm a human being.
Isabel: Just keep telling yourself that. I'll be back before dinner.
Parrot/Eric: Squack. Damn it Jim, I'm a reporter, not a parrot. Back to reality.
Eric: I don't believe this.
Jesse: Yeah well believe it, now just pack your stuff and get out! She starts putting Eric's stuff together.
Eric: What!
Jesse: Look Eric, I asked you to drop the story as a friend and what did you do? You lied to me. You knew you weren't going to let it go. (Isabel watches worried)
Eric: I'm sorry.
Jesse: Sorry! Eric you looked me in the eye and told me that one of your sources put you onto the Social worker when the truth was that you stole it from my own office.
Eric: All right, I screwed up! I admit it. I won't write the stupid alien story but come on Jesse. It's you and me man, we go back.
Jesse: Uh-uh. You can insult me, you can hit me, you can do almost anything you want to me and Usually I'll find a way to get over it. Ok, but you can't lie to me in my own house, you can't take Advantage of my trust and my friendship. Now I want you gone! Don't come back! He leaves and Jesse throws his hat after him and slams the door. Back to the sitcom.
Isabel: None of this would be necessary if we could just tell the humans the truth.
Max: (wiping the spaceships windows) Are you serious. These primates have barely mastered Walking upright. They couldn't handle the truth.
Isabel: Jesse did just fine.
Max: Yeah, he's a real genius.
Isabel: You're talking about my husband.
Max: Must you remind me.
Isabel: If it weren't for Jesse
Max: Life would be much quieter.
Isabel: And I, would be miserable. We're meant to be together Max. You're just going to have to Accept that.
Max: Isabel it's bad enough you married one of them but try to remember that you are from a Superior race of beings, a race that has conquered the mysteries of space travel, a race that stands Head and shoulders above these primitive monkey children
Michael: Found the problem with the spaceship. My yo-yo was caught in the warp-drive.
Max: Well, some of us stand a little taller than others. Back to reality. The three of them on their way to the crashdown.
Michael: So Jesse saved the day.
Isabel: Yeah.
Max: I know what you're gonna say. That's twice now that he saved us and so now he's earned The right to know the truth. And I don't necessarily disagree but I think that before
Isabel: No, Max, I. I'm really, really not pushing about it right now. He was really mad, I mean, I've never seen him so angry, you know and he was angry because he was lied to by someone he Trusted.
Michael: You're his wife. He'll forgive you.
Isabel: Maybe. But he'll never forget I lied. You know it will always be there between us. Na, I want to tell him but um, I'm afraid to. The problem is I don't live in a sitcom. You know they Get to wrap everything up all nice and neat but real life is complicated. Back to the apartment.
Jesse: Can't sleep?
Isabel: I just, I just keep thinking of your friend Eric I mean, you guys were really close for a long Time.
Jesse: Yeah. Well, thing's change. Don't worry I have other friends. Ok. Besides you are all that Matters to me. (he holds her close) You're all I need. Back to the sitcom.
Jesse: So what's the lesson Isabel?
Isabel: Never trust one of your friends.
Jesse: Never use your powers out in public dear.
Isabel: And never let Max park the spaceship in the basement.
Jesse: Promise.
Isabel: Aliens honor.
Jesse: Come here. They Hug.
Jesse: Oh, you're all that matters to me. You're all I need.
Isabel: Aw, sweetheart.
Plan: A: an old reporter friend; Q: Who suspects that Jesse married an alien? A: Roswell; Q: Where does Jesse's old reporter friend visit? A: an exposé; Q: What does the old reporter friend of Jesse start writing? A: Isabel; Q: Who imagines how life would be if Jesse knew the truth? A: a sitcom; Q: What does Isabel imagine they'd be in if Jesse knew the truth? Summary: When an old reporter friend of Jesse's comes to Roswell for a visit, he begins to suspect that Jesse married an alien and starts writing an exposé. Isabel imagines how life would be if Jesse knew the truth and daydreams they're in a sitcom inspired by "I Dream of Jeannie."