Chief: Hey, Chet.
Chet: Oh, hey, Chief.
Chief: You know, I've been meaning to ask you, what do you do in your spare time?
Chet: Oh, I like to build immersive Halloween mazes for the neighborhood kids.
Chief: Oh.
5.08 - Spoiler Alert: Owen Gets a Perm
Owen: You know, according to Omni Magazine, it's only a matter of time before they shrink us down to microscopic size and we can perform surgery from the inside.
Cat: Owen, wake up and smell the program. Everything's already been invented.
Owen: Maybe you're right.
Cat: [ Gasps ] Oh, God! Your hair! What the hell?
Chief: Oh, God. When did that happen?
Owen: Oh, my new perm. It's pretty powerful, right?
Cat: No, no, no. You do not get to do that. I mean, why would a man do such a thing to his hair?
Chief: I know. It's arrogant.
Cat: Thank you.
Blake: What are we talking about?
Cat: Owen's got a new look. It's atrocious. Wait till you see it.
Chief: Spoiler alert... it's a perm.
Blake: Right, right, right. Oh, because... Owen's spoiled. Like, he's a spoiled brat, and that's why he got a perm.
[ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]
Cat: You don't know what "spoiler alert" means, do you?
Blake: Of course I do. I know all the current expressions, and I know how to use them, and I can communicate just like you guys. Watch.
"Mm. That's too much information... on this."
Chief: God, I hate Owen. Let's punish him.
Cat: I have an idea, but it involves a staggering commitment of time and resources far out of proportion to the problem at hand.
Chief: I'm in! What's the idea?
Cat: Weren't you telling me that Chet likes to design immersive Halloween mazes for neighborhood kids or something?
Chief: [ Gasps ]
Blake: Mm. Hey, Glenn. Glad I caught you. Listen, I got this bilateral craniotomy this afternoon, and I'm like, "Don't go there." Will you do it for me?
Glenn: That's a tough procedure, Blake.
Blake: Well, yeah, but not for you. I mean, you're the best.
[ Both laugh ]
Glenn: Blake, I... I... I...
I can't lie anymore. I'm not the best. I'm not even the good.
Blake: Oh. Oh, okay. Uh, I'm... I'm... I'm listening to you. You can tell that because I'm making eye contact with you and I'm nodding.
Glenn: Blake, I'm gonna tell you a secret. And I know I can trust you because you're probably not listening to me. I'm a terrible surgeon. That's the truth. The real surgeon is Chilli, my pet mouse who lives underneath my yarmulke. By pulling on my hair, he guides my hands.
Blake: Like the movie "Ratatouille"?
Glenn: That's right. Exactly like that. Exactly like the movie "Ratatouille."
Blake: Glenn, that mouse is dead.
Glenn: What? Oh, my God! Chilli! No!
Blake: Spoiler alert?
Chief: This kid's in bad shape. We're gonna need to do something... experimental.
Cat: Are you suggesting we try the prototype micro-miniaturization machine? We're gonna need a doctor to be our micronaut.
Chief: And it can't be me because of the high levels of cocaine in my system.
Owen: Excuse me. If I heard you correctly, we have a machine that can shrink a man down and insert him into the human body?
Chief: That's right. Thanks to a grant from Omni Magazine.
Owen: Omni? They're the best.
Cat: With Omni, science fiction can become science fact. I know this because I read it while on the toilet.
Chief: But we don't have a volunteer. Oh!
Owen: I know someone.
Both: Who?
Owen: He's 6'2" with the looks of a Greg Kinnear type, and his name is me... Dr. Owen Maestro.
Dori: Oh, my God! Your perm! Oh, my God!
[ Glass shatters ]
Oh, my God!
[ Screaming, crashing ]
Hey! What are you doing?!
Dori: Get out of the car!
[ Car door slams, tires screech ]
[ Tires screech, crashing ]
[ Chicken clucks ]
Cat: Okay, I need to warn you.
This whole experience is gonna be very, very painful and very, very embarrassing. Are you ready?
Owen: Yes, I am.
Cat: In order for us to shrink you down and inject you into this little boy, we're gonna need to sandpaper your skin.
Owen: Why?
Chief: Dead skin cells slow down the miniaturization process. You read Omni, right?
Owen: Of course. Aah! Such intense pain! It's so embarrassing! It's just as you described!
Chief: Next, you have to eat this entire stick of unsalted butter.
Owen: [ Groans, gags ] All of it?
Chief: All of it!
Cat: This is so great!
Chief: I'm having such a good time with you right now. Hey, are you on Google Plus?
Chet: Once he finishes the unsalted butter, we will send him on an immersive journey through the "human body."
Cat: Do you think he'll buy it?
Chet: I've been building haunted houses in my basement for neighborhood kids every Halloween for the past three years. I think I've picked up a few tricks along the way.
Glenn: Chilli, you were... you were a good mouse and an even better surgeon. Take care of yourself, little buddy.
[ Breathes deeply ]
Blake, is there anything you'd like to say?
Blake: That's what she said.
Glenn: I need to head back and write my letter of resignation, so...
Blake: I'm not gonna go with you. I want to... I want to stay out here.
Glenn: Why?
Blake: I'm better off living in the woods, okay? I just don't fit in up there.
[ Breathes deeply ]
I don't know. I mean... What do you think?
Glenn: Oh. That sounds about right. I'll see you around.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Chet: In a few moments, we'll start the shrinking process.
Owen: Let's make history.
Chet: Step into the miniaturization pod.
Owen: Almost reminds me of a prop from an immersive Halloween maze.
Chet: Oh, are you into that sort of thing?
Chief: Chet, calm down!
Chet: Initiating miniaturization. Mr. Winslow, you're on.
[ Imitates energy noises ]
Owen: Whoa. Whoa!
Uh-oh! Whoa! Whoa! Something's happening! I-I'm being shaken around a little bit. Whoa! I-I-I think I'm being shrunk down!
[ Electricity crackles ]
Aah! That feels like a very painful electric shock!
Chet: Okay. The miniaturization process is now complete. We are now injecting you into the patient's bloodstream.
Owen: Ohh! Close the curtains!
Owen: Oh, my God. It's breathtaking. I have made my way to the carotid artery.
[ Imitating heart beating ]
Owen: I can actually hear the beating of the human heart.
I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear to the Nobel Prize ceremony.
Chief: [ Laughs ] Oh! I can't remember the last time I had this much fun. You're really special.
Cat: This is fun, yeah.
Chief: Yeah.
Chet: Okay, my readings indicate that you're in a pure-air environment. Owen, you can take off your helmet if you want to.
Owen: [ Breathes deeply ] This is exactly what I always imagined the inside of a young boy would smell like.
Chief: Heads up, Owen. The patient just took a sip of scalding hot tea. Now!
Owen: [ Screams ] My perm! And my flesh! Why would the patient be drinking tea right now?!
Chet: [ Hisses ]
Owen: [ Screams ]
Chief: Chet!
Cat: Uh, what's he doing?
Owen: The patient has Draculas! I am terrified right now! Abort the procedure! Code red! Code red!
[ Shouts, body thuds ]
Cat: Oh, dear.
Chief: Oh, God. Oh, no. Uh-oh.
Cat: Okay. Just... Okay.
Owen!
Chief: Oh, God. He's in stage-four cardiac arrest. He needs to go to surgery, now! Prep the O.R.!
Owen: I want...Glenn. He's the best. [ Echoing ] Glenn's the best.
Glenn: "I, Dr. Glenn Richie, hereby resign due to the fact that I have no ability to perform surgery."
Cat: Glenn, there's an emergency! Chief will explain!
Chief: Owen's had a heart attack! He's requested you!
Glenn: No, I won't do it. I can't do it.
Blake: Yes, you can. I was in the woods, and it all became clear to me. Your mouse has been dead for weeks. Look.
Glenn: You're right. Chilli has been dead for weeks.
Blake: I wrote it down.
Glenn: You wrote it down. I've been performing so many surgeries, I... I must've forgotten to feed him. Wait. That means... that I performed all those surgeries... by myself.
Chief: Exactly. Those skills were always in you. You just need to learn to do it without the mouse.
Glenn: Let's scrub up.
[ Monitors beeping ]
Glenn: And we're closed.
[ Applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
Chief: You did it again, Glenn.
You are still very much our best surgeon.
Glenn: Well, this time, I had a little help. Ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
[Laughs]
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...Ah. Not from my dead mouse... but from a very live human being. Blake, I'm proud to call you my friend.
Chief: And I have really enjoyed this day that you and I have had together, Cat.
Cat: I feel like you're pushing it just a tiny bit now.
Chief: Fair enough.
Owen: And I owe you all an apology. It was wrong of me to get a new hairstyle.
Cat: Yeah.
Owen: And I totally understand how it was necessary for you guys to go to the lengths you did to show that to me. Anything less than a totally immersive human body experience, I probably wouldn't have gotten the message.
Chet: Look, I've been making these things since 2010, so I think I have some idea of what I'm doing.
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: Blake, you want to join us at the noodle house tonight?
Blake: Spoiler alert... I'll be there.
[ Laughter ]
Glenn: What a perfect phrase for the situation.
Blake: Spoiler alert...
I'll be there.
[ Breathes deeply ]
I'll be there.
Glenn: Hmm?
Blake: I'll be there.
Glenn: What?
Blake: I'll be there. I have to get out of this one thing. If I can't, I will still try and make an appearance. [ Imitates static ] And now the news.
[ Imitates static ]
Big light in sky... [ Imitates static ] Scalding hot water on young... [ Imitates static ] And now a commercial. Mm-mmm. Oh, yeah, baby. It's all about lo...
Plan: A: Owen; Q: Who gets a perm? A: Chet; Q: Who has a Halloween maze? A: Glenn's mouse Chilli; Q: What pet dies? A: Blake; Q: Who doesn't understand modern idiomatic expressions? A: Guest star; Q: What was Michael Winslow's role in the episode? Summary: Owen gets a perm, so Chief and Kat have to trick him into one of Chet's immersive Halloween mazes. Glenn's mouse Chilli dies. Blake doesn't understand modern idiomatic expressions. Guest star: Michael Winslow