Act One. Scene One - Frasier's BMW Frasier and Martin are driving around Seattle. They are heading towards the Montana to pick Niles up for a night out.
Martin: You know where we should go tonight? Frannie's Fish & Chips!
Frasier: Dad, we're taking Niles out to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol!
Martin: Oh please, that French food that you guys eat is full of butter and cheese.
Frasier: Yes, but at least it's not made by a woman working a deep fryer in a batter-dipped brassiere.
They stop at a light. A red hatchback pulls up alongside them. Niles is the driver. Martin notices him.
Martin: Hey, isn't that Niles?
Frasier: Where?
Martin: Driving that old hatchback.
Frasier: Nah, Niles would never be seen in anything called a hatchback. But it does look a lot like him.
Frasier honks his horn. Niles looks, sees them - and drives off at full speed.
Frasier: Oh my God, he's running away!
Martin: Well, catch him, Mr. 12-cylinder German engineering!
Frasier and Martin chase Niles across Seattle. On his car phone, Frasier dials in Niles's cell phone number. Ahead of them, Niles answers:
Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles, what the hell are you doing?
Niles: Well, I'm just pulling into my parking garage. You on your way?
Behind him, Frasier and Martin gape at each other.
Frasier: What are you talking about?! You're driving up 2nd Avenue!
Martin: You're in that little red thing.
Niles: No I'm not, you must be mistaking me for someone else. See you when you get here. [hangs up]
Frasier and Martin cannot believe his lies.
Martin: He's getting away. He just took a right at the corner. Frasier takes a right and rings Niles again.
Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles! What are you running away from us for? I can see that it's you!
Niles: No, you're mistaking me for someone else.
Frasier honks his horn which sounds back through the mobile.
Frasier: That is ridiculous, I can hear my own horn through the phone!
Niles: Frasier, I may lose the connection, I'm just stepping onto my elevator. I'll see you when you- [hangs up]
Martin: What's the matter with him?
Frasier: Maris repossessed his car, that must have been all he can afford. He's just ashamed to admit it. [dials Niles again]
Niles: Hello?
Frasier: Niles, do not hang up on me! We know what's going on! We're right behind you.
Niles: Alright, I was afraid this would happen - I was petrified someone I knew would see me driving this humiliating car! It looks like some buggy derailed from a carnival ride, except this has no safety features.
Frasier: Oh Niles, you're worrying over nothing. What kind of person judges you by the sort of car you drive?
Niles: Mitsy Gill.
Frasier: Oh yes, she might, she drives a Bentley.
Niles: She's parking on the corner - she'll see me!
Niles brakes to a sudden stop, and his head goes under the dashboard in a motion that is half jerk, half duck.
Behind him, Frasier also must brake suddenly to stop a crash, jerking himself and Martin in their seats.
Martin: Is everyone alright?
Niles: [still on the mobile, from under the dashboard] Dad, come quickly, I need your help.
Martin: [alarmed] Oh my God! What is it?
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car.
Martin gives a look of disgust at Frasier.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - The Montana The gang arrive in Niles's apartment. Niles rubs his shoulder as he sits down.
Niles: Oh, my shoulder is killing me!
Frasier: Oh Niles, did you bang into the steering wheel?
Niles: No, I've been parallel parking all week without power steering.
Martin: Let me get you some aspirin.
Niles: Oh, thank you, Dad. Er, check upstairs in the bathroom of the study. Pardon the disarray, Frasier, I've had to cut the cleaning lady down to two times a week.
Martin: [sarcastic] Yeah, looks like a bomb went off.
Martin leaves the practically perfect room by the stairs.
Frasier: I gather your financial situation's gotten a bit shaky.
Niles: Oh yes, every since I rejected Maris's attempts to woo me back, she's been quite vindictive! She's frozen all the accounts! Sherry? [pours two glasses of sherry]
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: My salary isn't even covering my legal bills.
Frasier: Well, what do you lawyers tell you?
Niles: Well, mostly that my salary isn't even covering my legal bills!
Frasier: You know, if this siege is going to continue you might have to tighten your belt a bit. Perhaps we should make up a list of your expenses. [takes some paper and a pen from the box]
Niles: Alright. [notices pen] But not with that pen. That once belonged to Noel Coward. I just purchased it.
Frasier: Well, it is stunning, Niles, but you know if you're going to be economizing perhaps you'll have to forego the decorative antique pens.
Niles: Could we at least review my list before making any drastic decisions?!
Frasier: Very well.
Niles: [writes down notes] That's my rent... that's insurance...
Frasier: You pay that much in rent?
Niles: Well, that includes the building newsletter.
Frasier: Well, it's outrageous!
Martin comes through on the intercom.
Martin: Niles, are you there?
Niles: [into intercom] Yes, Dad. [to Frasier] You can't blame me for the housing market - this is a simple apartment!
Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a bathroom!
Niles: Oh, that's the library, not the study - go down the hall, make a left.
Frasier: Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
Niles: Oh, don't forget I have a pet.
Frasier: Are you saying that your BIRD requires both a study and a library?
Niles: All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my home. This is a basic necessity.
Martin: [on intercome] OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again. I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.
Martin: The only stairs I can find go up!
Frasier: You have a THIRD floor?
Niles: It's practically a crawl space. [into intercom] Go out the door to the left.
Niles and Frasier stand in silence, pensive.
Niles: Don't look at me like that! I have to have a roof over my head!
Frasier: Niles, you have three roofs over your head! For God's sake, you have to come to your senses. Look at the numbers, they don't lie! I'm afraid you don't have any choice.
Martin comes out onto the balcony over the main room. He shouts over to Niles.
Martin: Alright, now I'm stuck. How do I get down, there's a bookcase blocking my way.
Niles: Well, the bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
Martin: How do I open it?
Niles: Just poke "Mrs. Dalloway" on the bottom.
Martin: What?
Niles: The yellow book on the lower shelf.
Martin: Oh, right! [exits]
Niles: Frasier, every since I was a little boy I have walked by this building and wondered what sort of people could live in such a magnificent place.
Frasier: I know, Niles.
Niles: Getting in here after Maris dumped me proved that I was not a complete failure.
Frasier: I understand that.
Niles: And I have no choice, do I?
Frasier: I'm sorry. You know Niles, perhaps you should move before you're obligated for another month's rent here. You can stay at my place until you find something.
Niles: Thank you.
Martin: [enters with aspirin] Here you go, you can get your own glass of water.
Niles: This aspirin's expired.
Martin: Well, it wasn't when I found it.
He sinks into an armchair, exhausted.
[SCENE_BREAK]
NUCLEAR FAMILY
Scene Three - Apartment Later, Niles has moved into Frasier's apartment. Niles and Daphne are working along side each other in the kitchen.
Daphne: Oh Dr. Crane, I'll clean up.
Niles: Oh, not necessary.
Daphne: You've been cooking dinner every night, [laughs] I hardly feel like it's my kitchen anymore.
Niles: Of course it's your kitchen... [Daphne puts something in the fridge] No, that doesn't go there! I know it's probably a bit presumptuous of me to rearrange your kitchen for you but I promise you, you'll find it a lot more...
Niles trails off as he watches Daphne bend over to reach for something on the bottom shelf.
Niles: User-friendly...
Daphne: [straightens up] Where's my jar of Bovril?
Niles: [snapping back] No, I wasn't! [realizing] Oh, the meat paste! Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid.
Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English!
Meanwhile, Frasier and Martin are reading in the main room. Frasier opens conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm off to bed! [Martin doesn't reply] Roz and I have a very important breakfast meeting with an important employer tomorrow. I can't burn the midnight oil like you, Dad. [Martin doesn't reply] Dad!
Martin had fallen asleep whilst reading, he wakes up not knowing what's going on.
Martin: What? Oh all right, I'll get a coaster!
Frasier: Dad, what is it with you? You could barely stay awake during dinner!
Martin: [rubs his eyes] Oh, you'd feel the same way if you shared a room with Niles. All night long, up and down, shifting and tucking.
Frasier: Well, if it's really annoying you that much, I'll just move his cot into my room.
Martin: Oh!
Frasier: At least one member of this family can show some compassion.
Martin: Well, good luck! Last night I got up and went to the bathroom - when I came back he'd made my bed!
End of Act One. (Time: 7:15) Act Two.
Scene Four In Frasier's bedroom, Frasier is in bed listening to Niles in the en suite bathroom. Niles is gargling and spitting.
Frasier: Will you be much longer?
Niles: Almost done.
Frasier: I only ask because Roz and I have this very important job interview tomorrow, I'd like to be well rested. You've been in there for twenty minutes!
Niles: No I haven't. [a bell is heard] Now I have! You should try this marvelous new facial feel, it's like getting ten years back!
Frasier: What about the last half hour?
Niles: It's going to be so much fun bunking together like when we were kids.
Niles emerges from the bathroom looking strangely applicated.
Frasier: Oh yes, it's all coming back to me now.
Niles: I just want to tell you again how much I appreciate your taking me in like this. Not every brother in your position would be so generous. [gets into his only little bed]
Frasier: Think nothing of it Niles, it's no trouble at all.
[There is rest until Niles decides to switch on some air refiners. He has around half a dozen which make an awful noise. Frasier turns the lights out. However, Niles isn't comfy until he's closed the window from the rain noise - Frasier remarks "I'm amazed you can hear it over in Mission Control!" Niles goes back to bed and puts on a strange radio. It begins playing rain falling - similar to what he just the shut the window for.]
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about? That's just more rain noise!
Niles: No, it's much more than rain. This is all the sounds of the Brazilian rain forest. Does it bother you?
Frasier: No. Go to bed.
They all are at rest when suddenly a bird shrieks loudly on the hi-fi.
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake!
Niles: Alright, alright, I'll switch over to babbling brook.
Switches to the sound of running water.
Niles: If you're feeling tense about that interview I can show you one of my breathing exercises.
Frasier: No, no! Just some sleep will do.
They both go to sleep but Niles begins doing his breathing exercises which wake Frasier. He pushes his arms out as he breathes out and vice versa. He does this twice. On the third time he just breathes in. Frasier waits and after a while he breathes out.
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles!
He puts the lights on. However the lights along with Niles's "equipment" fuse the circuits - now it is pitch black.
Frasier: What the hell happened?
Niles: Isn't it obvious? You blew a fuse.
Frasier: You haven't seen anything yet!
In the dark there is the sound of a pillow hitting something.
Niles: Ow!
[SCENE_BREAK]
THE LATE SHOW
Scene Five - Café Nervosa The following morning, Roz is waiting with the employer, Mr. Draper, by herself. Frasier is obviously late.
Roz: Listen, I know he's on his way, he must have got the address wrong. I knew I should have picked a place he's been to before.
She says, sitting in Café Nervosa.
Draper: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to...
Roz: Oh, please don't leave. Let me just try his cell phone.
Draper: Very well. [hands Roz his phone]
Roz: [into phone] Hello Frasier, it's Roz. You sound terrible, where are you? The emergency room?! Oh my God! His appendices burst! No, no, don't apologize. It's not your fault. We'll just reschedule it...
At this point Frasier bursts into the room whilst Roz is still on the phone with "him."
Frasier: I'm so sorry I'm late!
Draper: [to Roz] My phone please! [she hands it to him]
Frasier: Mr. Draper, you're not leaving, are you?
Draper: I have another meeting and I don't like to keep people waiting! [leaves]
Roz: [to Frasier] I'm going to kill you!
Frasier: Roz, please, I'm so sorry.
Roz: Where the hell have you been?
Frasier: Blame Niles, he kept me up so late last night I slept right through my alarm.
Roz: What's he still doing there, hasn't he found a place yet?!
Frasier: No, no, he's sublet his apartment at the Montana. He has to find something furnished. There just aren't many out there. Still, he's looking every day!
Roz: Not yesterday.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Roz: I saw him outside the cinema waiting in line for "Lawrence Of Arabia."
Frasier: Well, that's impossible, he told me he had appointments all day!
Roz: Frasier, I know Niles when I see him. How people go to the movies with their own seat cushion?
Frasier: You mean he hasn't even been looking?!
Roz: I don't know, ask him yourself.
She points him out at the bar before leaving.
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Frasier.
Frasier: Off for another day apartment hunting?
Niles: Yes. I hope I see as many as I saw yesterday, covered the whole waterfront.
Frasier: Well, then you must have seen the one on Crawford and Pike?
Niles: Yes, I think so.
Frasier: White with blue trim? Right next to the market, couple of flags upfront.
Niles: Yes! It looks nice from the outside but it's completely unsuitable for living in.
Frasier: Oh yes, I imagine so, seeing as it's a [angry] Chevron station! You saw nothing! Nothing yesterday, probably nothing in the last two weeks. You've been going to the movies.
Niles: That is an outrageous lie!
Frasier: Roz saw you and your seat cushion. I was feeling sorry for you while you were lying to me the whole time.
Niles: I'm sorry, after the first day I just couldn't look anymore. I'll never find anything tolerable in my price range. It's barely tolerable having a price range. [checks for nose bleed]
Frasier: All right Niles, well today I'm going with you. It may be the only way you'll find a place.
Niles: Oh, you make it sound as if I plan to stay with you forever!
Frasier: Well, I did notice you put a bottle of '93 Pechie Beron on the grocery list last night.
Niles: So?
Frasier: That wine's not even drinkable for two years!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Six - The Shangri-La Later, Niles and Frasier are touring a rather run-down block of apartments - the Shangri-La. They are in the corridor outside a room. The manager, Frank, is showing them around.
Frank: An' we got a rec room too! And did you see the hot tub?
Niles: If you referring to that six-man petri dish, yes. I think we're about finished here!
Frasier: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.
Frank: [opens door] Welcome to the "Shangri-La!"
Niles and Frasier look in with faces of horror. What they are looking at would barely pass as a motel room in a fishing village.
Frasier: [obviously put on] Oh Niles, it's... magnificent!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Seven A few moments have passed, and Frank is showing Niles around his new "apartment."
Frank: I think you'll see why the Shangri-La is so popular with bachelors like yourself.
Niles: I'd assume it was that charming "NO CREDIT NO PROBLEM" banner out front.
Frank: Here's your kitchen. [part of living room] All modern. Looks like the previous tenant left a four-slot toaster behind.
Frasier: Isn't that something, Niles? You can make yourself a club sandwich and still have a slice left over for guests!
Niles: Oh well, I think I've got the lay of the land.
Frasier: Wait, we haven't seen the bedroom yet.
Frank: Oh, right this way!
Frank unlocks a door and pulls it down. The bed folds down into the living room. The bed has sheets but is tatty.
Frank: Looks like he left the sheets behind too.
Frasier: Well, how's that for convenience? No dust bunnies under that bed, no sir-ee! That is a vacuumer's dream, that is. Well, let's have a look at this closet space, shall we?
Frasier opens the closet door to find "not Niles" clothing.
Frank: Oh sorry, I thought Gary's sister was supposed to pick this stuff up. Well, help yourself.
Niles: This Gary certainly seems to have left in a hurry. Did he leave no forwarding address?
Frank: [uncomfortable] Uh, he left a note, but... nooo. No address! Well, take your time.
He leaves Niles and Frasier to look around.
Niles: NOW can we go?
Frasier: No, Niles, not before we have a look at this... [opens cupboard to a fold-down ironing board] this very charming little ironing board here.
Niles: You're sure that's not the guest room?
Frasier: Niles, listen, I know this isn't what you had in mind but we have scoured the city, I'm afraid this is the only thing we're gonna find.
Niles: Well, I want to keep looking, there's no rush.
Frasier: Well, actually...
Niles: What?
Frasier: Niles...
Niles: Oh! You want me to move out. I've overstayed my welcome, I see.
Frasier: No, it's time to understand that your circumstances have changed. You are going to have to adapt.
Niles: I don't want to adapt. I want to go home!
Frasier: Niles... you are home!
Niles takes that in.
Niles: Well... where are my manners? Can I get you some toast?
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Eight - Apartment Later, Frasier is doing some wine tasting. He has a blindfold on and takes a drink before spitting it out. Then he takes his blindfold off and takes a cover off of the wine to reveal what it is. He makes a yes to the correct answer as Daphne enters from the hallway with her purse.
Daphne: Well, I'm off. Oh, your brother called - he said he won't be joining you for your wine club tonight.
Frasier: Really? That's a first.
Daphne: You know, it's funny how much Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's. This morning a pigeon landed on the terrace, Eddie jumped up excited, ran over and started barking at it!
Frasier: Oh, yes he does that all the time.
Daphne: No, no, this was a different sort of bark, like: [excited] "You're not my bird! Don't fly over here and get my hopes up like that! You're not my bird!" It was silly and sad at the same time, you know?
Frasier: [deadpan] Firsthand. Niles say why he cancelled at all?
Daphne: No.
Frasier: You know, I just hope he's not depressed. I keep picturing him sitting in that dreadful apartment all alone. I guess I should have let him stay here a little longer until he found something nicer.
Daphne: Oh, I'm sure as soon as he's got his books on the shelf and his opera playing he'll be fine. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Martin: [entering] Oh Fras, your antiques scout brought over that Noel Coward pen you bought. [Frasier buries his head]
Daphne: [to Frasier] Noel Coward pen? Like the one your brother's got?
Frasier: Oh, it is his! He returned it and I pounced on it!
Daphne: [to Martin] Dr. Crane's feeling bad about moving his brother out.
Martin: Oh come on, Fras. He's a big boy, you just gave him the push he needed.
Frasier: Well, he did need a push.
Daphne: Besides, I'm sure the place you've found him isn't as bad as all that.
Frasier: You're right, Daphne, it isn't all that bad. Yeah, once he's decorated it, it'll be much nicer. You're right, you're right. I'm being much too hard on myself. I'm sure he'll be perfectly happy in the Shangri-La.
Martin: You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed during his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya', that's my kinda place. [exits]
Frasier: What have I done?!
Scene Nine - The Shangri-La That evening, a doorbell sounds in Niles's new apartment. Niles emerges from a room dressed in an Hawaiian shirt, but still wearing his gold watch. He answers the door - it's Frasier and Martin.
Frasier: Hey, Niles!
Niles: [cheerful surprise] Dad! Frasier! Did you not get my message about the wine club?
Martin: Yeah, but we thought it'd be just fun to have a nice dinner.
Niles: Actually, I'm just on my way out.
Frasier: Where to? Bali H'ai?
Niles: No, they're having a ping pong tournament in the rumpus room and my neighbor, Jimbo, has invited me to be his partner, so let me just go and tell him I'll be a couple of minutes late. If you're thirsty they sent up some wine coolers in my welcome basket. [exits]
Martin: And you were worried. He's making friends, taking part in activities...
Frasier: Dad, he's obviously covering! That shirt alone is a shriek for help!
Martin: Is it so hard for you to believe that he can actually be happy?
Frasier: In this place? Yes!
Niles: [enters] Oh, you should stay, the guys in D building are bringing over a six-foot sub and they've rigged the pinball machine so it's free play all night. [makes a strange dance]
Frasier: Niles, you know I'm finding it a bit difficult to accept this newfound enthusiasm of yours.
Niles: Well, weren't you the one who told me that I should adjust to my new circumstances?
Frasier: Yes, but I'm just concerned that you're immersing yourself in this lifestyle just to avoiding feeling the pain you're going...
Martin: Oh, would you just leave the guy alone! He's obviously having a good time!
Martin and Frasier begin arguing as Niles sits in his "lazy boy" chair, putting his feet up on a footrest. He sits back looking just like Martin in his "throne."
Martin: I'd be happy here myself - this is my kind of place.
Niles: [howl of despair] Get me out of this hell hole!
Martin: What did I say?
Niles: Oh, I can't live this charade! I have tried, it's taking too much out of me.
Martin: Now Niles, this place is fine, and you know what they say: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Niles: But Dad, not everyone makes it into that second group. And I've got the luau shirt to prove it. [gets up] Alright, that's it, enough is enough. [takes his phone and dials]
Frasier: Niles, who are you calling?
Niles: I am calling Maris, I'm going to beg her to take me back.
Frasier: You don't want to do that!
Niles: Oh yes, I do.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: [rapidly] Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands!
Frasier: No, Niles!
Niles: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"
Martin: Niles, give me that phone.
Niles: No!
Martin: You don't know what you're doing!
Niles: Yes I do.
Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here!
Niles: I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. [into phone] Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling...
Martin and Frasier look on, helpless.
Niles: I'm calling to tell you that there's a new address for forwarding my mail. 62 Elm Street, Shangri-La Apartments. Thank you [hangs up]
Frasier: Well, good for you, Niles.
Niles: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back. [looks at the room] But how am I ever going to live here?
Martin: Oh, it's just temporary, Niles. She can't drag this divorce out forever.
Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have to pay for your freedom.
Niles: [pauses] Well, it's worth that.
Martin: Good, that's the way to look at it. So let's have a toast to that. [begins pouring]
Niles: Thank you, Dad. You know, I never did sign my lease. I suppose now is as good as time as any. [picks it up]
Frasier: Niles, perhaps this will make it easier. [hands him the Noel Coward pen] A little housewarming gift.
Niles: [a little tearful] Thank you.
Martin comes over and hands Niles and Frasier a drink, he has one for himself.
Martin: Here we go. Here's looking at you kids! [they drink]
Frasier: You know, Niles, you may have to sleep here but you certainly don't have to eat here. How does Cigaré Volante sound?
Niles: [delighted] Oh, music to my ears!
Martin: I can't go in that place without a jacket.
Frasier: Well, you know what? Maybe we should poke through that closet, I bet Gary's got a jacket that'll match those pants.
They go to the closet and finds a checked jacket which Martin tries on and is pleased with. The three then exit for their favorite restaurant.
End Of Act Two (Time: 21:40)
[SCENE_BREAK]
Niles is decorating his apartment. He takes a ornamental violin from his box and thinks about where to place it. He places it on a cabinet but doesn't like it. He moves it to the television, but doesn't like it. He moves it to the fridge, but yet again doesn't like it's position so he just puts it back in his box to be safe.
Plan: A: Niles; Q: Who has been forced to buy a cheaper car by his ongoing divorce from Maris? A: his Mercedes; Q: What car has Niles been forced to buy a cheaper car to replace? A: his apartment; Q: What does Niles move out of because it is too expensive? A: a new apartment; Q: What does Niles find at the Shangri-La? A: his high standards; Q: What does Niles' new apartment fall below? Summary: Niles has been forced by his ongoing divorce from Maris to buy a cheaper car, as his Mercedes has been repossessed. He realises that his apartment is too expensive, and moves out. He finds a new apartment at the Shangri-La , a cheap bachelor 's apartment complex that falls well below his high standards.