(Crickets chirp)
(Dripping)
(Clicks light on)
Johnny: Moira! Moira!
Moira: Hm.
Moira: Oh no!
I just finally cried myself to sleep.
Johnny: The bed is soaking wet.
Moira: Is it blood?
Johnny: No! There's... there is leak in the ceiling. There is a brown disgusting drip coming.
Moira: Owwww!
Johnny: Look it! Look... oh my God.
Moira: I can't do it.
Johnny: This place is a dump! It's a dump!
Moira: I tried!
Johnny: You know what it's a hell hole. I tired, John, but I can't!
Johnny: Wake up.
David: Ahh!
Alexis: Ahh!
Johnny: Start packing, the pluming is shot to hell in this place and we are getting out. We are getting out!
David: What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown?
Johnny: It's a nightshirt, David. And that's not the issue. The issue is the brown sludge in my bed. We're selling the place!
David: It's 6:00 am!
Johnny: What's the name of that mouthy kid at the front desk?
David: I don't know. I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now. The mouth the mouth, the girl.
David: You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There's an ebenezer scrooge thing happening right now.
Alexis: Oh my God, that's who I was thinking of.
Johnny: You know what?! I'll do it myself. My best to Bob Cratchit.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Shuts door)
(Rings bell)
Hello! Hello! Service? This bell is broken.
Stevie: Yeah, sorry. It's more or less decorative.
Johnny: There's a leak in my room. Brown, disgusting sewage water was dripping all over my bed this morning. I was soaking wet. So I need a plumber.
Stevie: You want me to call a plumber?
Johnny: (Incredulous) Do I want you to call a plumber? Yes, yes I do. I want you call... You should already be on the phone. Could you call a plumber? Stevie let's see if he's home... or conscious. He's a good guy, he's just a big drinker.
Johnny: I also need a real estate agent. The name of a good real estate agent right away.
Stevie: Ooh, there's a guy named Ray. Yeah. He's the best one. He's also the only one so... A guy named Ray...
Stevie: Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. Rose? Yes. My wife and I will be taking breakfast in our room this morning. Eggs florentine and a yoghurt parfait.
Stevie: Yeah... unfortunately, due to a lack of everything, we don't do room service. Uh, but you're always welcome to help yourself to our complimentary espresso bar.
Johnny: I'd rather drink the pipe-water.
Stevie: I hear ya.
Alexis: Ew! Who even is this girl? He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet...
Moira: Rub my back.
David: What?! No.
Moira: I rubbed your back many a nights when you were little.
David: Yeah, in exchange for half my allowance.
Moira: Fine. You may select one silver piece from my accessory case. Right here.
Alexis: Omigod... she has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot.
David: Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise. We said no social media post breakup. We had a pact about that.
David: He dates hooker. Oh, well, I'm sorry, I don't hire my friends at model castings. Actually, now that I think about in, where are those friends?
David: They're just giving me space right now. Because they're considered people.
Alexis: Oh right. Space. Yeah.
David: Okay. Well, I think it's bests that he dumped you.
Alexis: He didn't dump me.
We actually both decided that it was best that he see other people so...
Moira: Children, mindless bickering is a luxury we may no longer afford. You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud but our worlds evil twin... has reared her ugly...
David: Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door. David! You might actually wanna hear this.
(Slams door)
Ray: Oh hi!
Johnny: Are you Ray?
Ray: Yes.
Johnny: You're late.
Johnny Rrose. My wife, Moira.
Moira: Hello.
Ray: Hi. Oh, I love your complexion.
Ray: So... what can I help you with, housing, investment opportunities?
Moira: Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town.
Johnny: We're willing to settle for what we paid for it. More if you can get it, but definitely not less.
Ray: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not super optimistic. You know, because the government saw no value in Schitt's Creek.
You know, when they repossessed your assets.
You know, because of the humiliating...
Johnny: Yes, we know. We know. We know.
Ray: Well, we'll do our best. First we just have to get Roland to sign off on the listing and then we're good to go. I need to confer with the financial powerhouse of the family. Since when did the mayor need to sign off on this?
Johnny: Ray, since when did the mayor need to sign off on this?
Ray: Well, it's all here... Son of a bitch!
(Cart rattles)
David: Oh, excuse me.
I don't think my sheets have been cleaned. They smell like cigarettes.
Stevie: No, that's just the way they smell. Also, you can tell your dad that the plumber was busy so I just pushed the bed against the wall and put down a bucket where the bed was.
David: Okay. We're gonna be selling the town, so it'll be someone else's problem soon.
Stevie: But it's such a great place to live. I think you're funny. Thank you. Um, look I know this probably isn't your thing, but there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing but you know... close. I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally.
Stevie: Yeah, just fewer pointy hats. It's just townies with un-ironic haircuts.
David: Okay. I'm gonna pass I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight so...
Alexis: Okay. Stavros just posted three more photos. Who are these jenky women? Uh, from the looks of it they're blonde and mostly naked so...
(Exasperated exhale)
Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religo cult towns?
Stevie: I was just telling your brother about a party tonight. But he passed so...
Alexis: Um, yes. Love that journey for me. Okay, so I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute.
David: No, it wouldn't. You know, I think this could be really good for me. So thank you.
Stevie: You're welcome. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. Having all that fun. Wow.
(Birds chirp)
Roland: So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh?
Johnny: Well... (Chuckles)
Shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to signoff on the listing.
Johnny: Well, thank you, very much, Rolland, I appreciated.
Roland: Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up.
Johnny: Mr. Mayor, that's not necessary.
No, no. Roland, a signature, that's all I need.
Roland: Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do; you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay?
Johnny: Right. Okay. Honestly Roland, it's just a, it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it.
Roland: You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think.
Johnny: No, no. I'd love to come to dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner. Johnny, you want that, to get that you need this. So let's just do this my way.
Johnny: Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, dinner is.
Roland: Dinner it is, atta boy. Okay.
Moira: How did you not get the contract signed, John? Can one thing, just one thing, not be easy in this town?!
Johnny: Look Roland's playing games, honey, he's playing games. So this is something we have to do.
Alexis: Okay. Well, I would love to go, but I've actually double booked myself. I'm going to a truck party um, with the front desk girl and obviously she'd be super devastated if I bailed last minute. So I can't. I can't go.
Johnny: Okay. Well, cancel it because you're coming to dinner.
Alexis: No. One of you kids has to come. Davis, you've got nothing on tonight. How... how do you know that. What do you have on tonight?
David: What?
Johnny: Good, it's settled.
Moira: Or you could go alone, John. Since you are the one who did not get the contract signed.
Johnny: Moira, Roland wants the family there tonight, so my family has to go tonight. Let me explain something about business.
Moira: Don't you dare...
Johnny: It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. and sometimes you follow.
Moira: And which are you doing now, John?
Johnny: I am leading, Moira.
Moira: In a Roland game I think you're following. Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think...
Moira: Are you listening to this?
David: Hmm?
Johnny: It doesn't matter. I'm leading.
Moira: I'll shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose. (Slams door)
Johnny: What's this?
David: Uh yeah, Stevie called. Apparently the plumber's in rehab. And you also... you have something on your... I don't know what that is but it's a thing.
Alexis: David, for the gate party tonight is it more of a leather pants thing or...
Son of a bitch!
Thanks for having us, Jocelyn. Thank you.
Jocelyn: Make yourselves at home. Roland is just on the toilet.
Johnny: Oh, what a surprise.
David: You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated.
Jocelyn: Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines.
Moira: Don't be modest.
(Toilet flushes)
This is 100 percent you and only you. Roland hey, okay. It's the Roses. (Chuckles) Come on, folk, please sit. Come on, I'm just the mayor for crying out loud.
Ooh, hors d'oeuvres. Mmm.
Jocelyn: That's too bad about Alexis.
Well, it is. But we did bring the life of the party.
Moira: Our David.
(Johnny chuckles)
Roland: Well, I guess, that just means there is more for you and me, right Dave?
Jocelyn: I hope everyone likes a cheeseball.
Cheeseball? (Polite chuckle) It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him. Go ahead.
Johnny: Oh yes, can't wait. Can't wait. Mmm.
Jocelyn: So David, tell us about yourself I hear you're a gallerist.
Roland: Wow. There's a $10 dollar word.
Moira: David owned a brilliant gallery. Tell them about your last show.
David: It's not...
Moira: You must, please.
Johnny: Tell them, David, tell them.
David: The gallery worked with Janet Kempfluugen.
Johnny: Kempfluugen? She's a Brooklyn based performance artist she's a big deal. Anyway um... she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breast feed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality.
Roland: Wow...
Johnny: Heady stuff.
Roland: Well, hmm...
[SCENE_BREAK]
Alexis: Lipgloss?
Stevie: No thank you.
Alexis: I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy, no makeup look. It's so French.
Stevie: Thank you.
Alexis: So, why are you single?
Stevie: Who said I'm single?
Alexis: Girl, we're on the hunt. I hope you're single.
Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not "on the hunt". A town this size, you've either been through 'em or know a little too much about 'em.
Alexis: Hmm. Okay. I'm gonna go do a lap and this swan is best when she flies solo. So you're gonna be okay?
Stevie: I live here.
Alexis: Okay. Am I good?
Stevie: Hm-hm.
Alexis: Yes? Okay. Thank you.
Stevie: Are you not cold- Chuck, beer!
(Effort grunts)
Roland: I know it's gotta be in here somewhere,
slippery little b*st*rd.
Johnny: Maybe a fork would help, Roland?
Roland: Oh, that's sweet. Thank you. I'm okay. I'll find it.
Johnny: So is that the ah, contract over there?
Yeah, it is. You know, I gotta be honest with you, I tried reading that thing it is really boring. Ah, got it! There she is! Okay. Ohh! Oh my God, honey... oh, that is good.
That is good.
Moira: I believe you were saying, John.
Johnny: Yes. This reminds me of a merger I put together in Zurich.
It was two families breaking bread together.
David: Ahh! Agh. My head. My head hurts.
Jocelyn: Oh no! Are you okay?
David: Um, it think it's the migraines that I get a lot.
Johnny: Oh, I think... I think that'll pass, David.
I don't think it's gonna pass. I don't think it's passing.
Jocelyn: Migraines can be so awful.
Johnny: Yeah, well, not this one. Not this one.
David: Yeah, you know what? I... I think I need to go.
Johnny: I think you need to eat something and that will help. No, I think I need to go back.
Moira: (Quietly) Take me with you please.
Johnny: David, sit down. Sit down. Sit back down.
David: Jocelyn, thank you so much for dinner.
Roland: Why don't you lay down on our mattress.
The sheets are in the dryer but there is rubber pad. No. Thanks.
Johnny: David! Don't go near the door. David! Do not open that door.
(Door slams shut)
I brought vodka as a house gift. I don't see it.
(Rock music plays, low hum of party chatter)
(Engine roars)
Alexis: That's what I say. (Laughs) Great.
I'm Twyla from the cafe. Yeah.
David: Yeah. Davis Rose.
Twyla: I'm a little drunk.
David: Hm-hmm.
Stevie: Hey.
Twyla: Hey Stevie.
Twyla: I am going to roast myself a marshmallow. Anybody?
Stevie: No. Thanks.
Twyla: You're all good?
David: No.
Twyla: Great.
Stevie: I don't know why you were so reluctant to show up here. You fit right in.
David: Well, my sister texted me "help". And my mind went straight to deliverance. So I wasn't too far off.
Stevie: That's funny because your sister texted me from across the bonfire and said you'd probably show up here because you were bored and lonely and had nothing better to do.
David: Well, my sister is a broken shell of a human being. That's where that's coming from so...
Stevie: Oh, okay. Oh. Well, she seems fine. Are you serious? That's so funny. That's so funny. So I guess you're free to go.
David: I'm gonna need a stiff drink to get through this. Stiff.
(Smacking lips loudly)
Moira: So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school, or you want to finish high school?
I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing. I teach high school. Oh, you're a saint. I love it. I love connecting with the young people. Although I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk. Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm?
Jocelyn: They're boys! It's cute.
Moira: (Quietly) John...
Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face!
Moira: Excuse me?
Roland: I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay".
Moira: Thanks.
Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wall paper.
Roland: Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?
Moira: I don't care.
Johnny: She can't remember, there were so many slaps.
Moira: Enough about me. Let's talk about you signing this contract.
Roland: Well, somebody is in a little hurry, ain't she?
Johnny: No, no. We're not in a hurry. No.
Moira: Aren't we?
Johnny: No. We're not. No.
Moira: Really?
Roland: There it is again! Bam! Okay, I'll tell you what, Vivien...
Moira: Moira.
Roland: I will go ahead and sign off on the sale...
Moira: Good.
Roland: ... For a slap. Excuse me?
Roland: I've always wanted to be slapped by Vivien Blake.
Jocelyn: It's true. We've role-played it like a thousand times, but it's not the real thing.
Roland: Hm-hm.
Moira: You'd like me to slap you?
Roland: Yeah.
Moira: I don't think...
Roland: Well, don't think. Just do it. Slap me.
Johnny: He wants you to slap him.
Moira: I won't.
Jocelyn: Slap him, Moira.
Johnny: Go ahead and slap him.
Jocelyn: Slap my husband, Moira.
Moira: John, I won't!
Johnny: Slap him or I'll slap him.
Roland: Slap me!
Moira: I won't.
Roland: Slap me like a bitch!
Moira: Sign the f*cking contract!
(Elated breaths)
(Alexis laughs) Okay. Um... this has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like uh, campfire, and denim and plaid and stuff so... bye.
Stevie: Your choices are beer or beer.
David: I assume a pint glass is out of the question?
Alexis: You came! How was dinner?
David: Um... worse than this? Although at this point it's sort of a moving target.
Stevie: Here hold this. So there are no guys for me here. But it was kind of nice to just like to flex the old muscle.
Stevie: Put your thumb over the tube. Agh, I kind of wanna just go for it but... But sometimes it doesn't work out, I guess.
David: Yeah.
Stevie: Okay, put the tube in your mouth.
David: What? Uh... Yeah. Just open your throat.
David: Oh.
Stevie: And go down, 'cause you're tall.
Alexis: Okay. David, how long are you gonna be doing this? Okay, just come and get me after you vomit, okay?
Stevie: Just widen your throat!
You!
Stevie: Chug!
Crowd: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Crowd: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Alexis: Are you ready?
(Cheering, laughing)
(Humming)
And that's the last one there! Done!
(Claps)
Ronald: Already.
There you go, Johnny, congratulations. Thank you very much. Thank you. Just remember one thing, okay? This is my town and you're gonna play by my rules. Comprende? (Laughs) I'm just messing with you, man! Come on!
(Johnny laughs uneasily)
Johnny: Wow.
Roland: Or am I?
(Laughs) No. I am.
Johnny: Moira! Shall we?
Moira: Yeah.
Moira: Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening, I will be dining out on this for years.
Jocelyn: I'll send you the recipes. Yes, Jocelyn, words can't express.
Roland: Seriously, Johnny, good luck selling the town.
You sure gonna need it.
Johnny: Why's that?
Roland: Well, it took a while to sell the first time. I mean, it was on the market for like what 20 years before you bought it.
Johnny: 20 years?
Roland: Yeah. I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! (Laughs) Then along came you.
(Anxious sigh)
Moira: John! Did you know this town was on the market for 20 years before we bought it?
How would I know that? W... why would I know that? I didn't know that. But look, let's look at the bright side...
Moira: There is no bright side. This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all. Johnny well, you know what? I think that's being a little dramatic.
Moira: Yes! It's dramatic! (Slams door) Sweetheart! We got the thing signed, okay?! And if we have to fix this town up before we sell it, then we fix it up. We fix it up, bit by bit. And it's gonna take hard work but we can do it because we're Roses. And there is nothing we can't do...
Alexis: Hi... hi...
Alexis: You're being super loud right now.
David: I can hear you thought the headphones!
Alexis: So if you can just wrap it up in here.
David: 10 to a 5. Thanks. I feel good about this. I really do.
(Dripping)
What the hell is this? The town sign. Bag boy at the grocery store. Which is what? 40, 45-something and hour? "Good riddance," is what they said. Are we having a bad day, honey?
Plan: A: Johnny; Q: Who tries to get permission to sell Schitt's Creek? A: Schitt's Creek; Q: What does Johnny try to sell? A: dinner; Q: What do Johnny, Moira, and David have at Roland and Jocelyn Schitt's home? A: Alexis; Q: Who goes to a truck party to find a young man to make out with? Summary: Johnny tries to get permission to sell Schitt's Creek; Johnny, Moira, and David have dinner at Roland and Jocelyn Schitt's home; Alexis goes to a truck party to try to find a young man to make out with.