Ted from 2030: Kids, in the spring of 2008 something kind of strange have been happening to your uncle Barney. He's been doing great with a woman.
At the Bar
Barney: So I threw the pressure air oxygen into its mouth. I shoot the tank, boo, nomore shark. Mr. Hall and I swam back to shore. Hey,let me serve you a drink.
Ted from 2030: He's only been gone a few moments but when he return...
Barney: So where were we?
Ted from 2030:...he gets slap! It kept happening...
(The woman slaps him.)
Woman: Jerk!
[FLASHBACK]
A woman slaps Barney, at a pet shop, then at the museum, and at the hardware store.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: Until finally Lily was approached by a mysterious woman who wants her stay away from Barney...so when it happened once more...
Barney: Again? Really? Wait...
Ted from 2030: Barney knew who to look for...
Barney: Hey, excuse me. Did I sleep with you and then totally screw you over?
Woman: No.
Barney: What are you doing on Friday?
(He runs after another woman, who just climbed into a cab.)
Barney: Stop! Amy?
Abby: Abby.
Barney: Riiiggghhhttt!!!
[OPENING CREDITS]
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...
In Lily's class
Lily: A rainbow! That's beautiful! What a beautiful rainbow! Another rainbow? It's beautiful!
Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time...
Lily: You're kidding me. Seriously, aren't you sick of these things?
At the appartment
Ted: Hey, how was your day?
Lily: Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.
Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming.
(Marshall arrives)
Marshall: So, uh, I just met with the contractor. and it turns out, that fixing the floors of the new apartment is going to cost a lot more than the estimate.
Lily: But we can barely afford that to begin with.
Marshall: I hate to say this, but I think you're going to have to sell your stuff.
Lily: Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game we play in the bedroom.
Marshall: I mean your clothes. All those designer pieces and everything.
Lily: What? Why just my clothes?
Marshall: We can sell my stuff, too, but I got to tell you, I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress is going to go for a lot more than my "Split Happens" bowling shirt.
Ted: Dude.
Marshall: I'm not selling that. I've already made the Website.
Lily: You made a Website?
Marshall: Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall-sell- their-stuff-dot-com."
Lily: No, you know what would be a better name for the site? Guy-forces-his-wife- to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag- for-the-next- three-years-dot-com. That's real.
Marshall: I'm worried. That woman is actually wearing a-a garbage bag.
Lily: Hmm, but, girlfriend, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.
In the cab
Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it.
Barney: That's it? As far as I'm concerned, if I leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about.
Abby: Well, it hurt, okay? And then Ted, the love of my life started dating my boss instead of me. Do you know how that feels?
Barney: Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley.
Abby: Abby!
Barney: Abby. A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman. You had a crush on him for a couple weeks? I was Ted's best friend for seven years.
Abby: Ted said Marshall was his best friend.
Barney: Seven years!
Abby: Sorry.
Barney: Ted. What an idiot. With his stupid "meaningful relationship" with Stella.
Abby: I hate Ted.
Barney: I hate Ted more.
Abby: Are you as turned on as I am?
Barney: Probably not quite as much.
(Later, they are both in bed...)
Abby: I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted."
Barney: I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby."
Abby: I am Abby.
Barney: Oh, cool.
At the apartment
Ted: This is insane. Has Lily even worn half this stuff?
Robin: Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn?
Ted: As a matter of fact, no, there isn't.
Robin: Whatever, red cowboy boots.
Ted: Those are nice boots. I totally pull those off.
Marshall: Hey, Lil, if I were to say "Ted could never pull them off," What would I be talking about?
Robin: His red cowboy boots.
Ted: I totally pull them off! It's a classic Western look.
Marshall: Oh, okay, uh, today's category: classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Ooh, ooh! Robin.
Robin: "The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous."
Lily: "The Magnificent Kevin."
Marshall: "No Country for Straight Men."
Lily: I don't want to sell my clothes!
Robin: Oh, I know, sweetie. Come here. Is this a hundred percent silk?
Marshall: Lily,listen, we really need the money. I have some leads on a job, but until then, I just... I don't know what else we can do.
Lily: I'll sell my paintings!
Marshall: What?
Lily: Yeah, I'll sell my paintings. Good oil paintings go for like, $500.
Marshall: Yeah. Totally. But...
Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row...
[FLASHBACK]
Lily shows her paintings to Marshall)
Marshall: I love it. It's a masterpiece. That's it. We're selling the TV. I just want to come home and stare at this all day. Aw. Somebody call the cops! My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum!
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time...
Marshall:...that kind of money only goes for real paintings.
Lily: What does that mean?
Marshall: Look, it just, it just means that-that we need money right now and I'm not sure that selling your paintings is-is how we're going to get it.
Lily: You don't believe in me.
Marshall: No, wait, wait! Of c... of course I believe in you!
Lily: Marshall, I am proud of my work as an artist. My paintings are good. I bet Robin would buy one. What now?
Marshall: I love your painting, I just... I'm trying to be realistic.
Lily: Well, how much money do we need for the contractor to finish the job?
Marshall: About 1,500 bucks.
Lily: Okay. So, if I can sell three of my paintings at 500 bucks a pop, then I get to keep all my clothes.
Marshall: Babe, we need money fast.
Lily: Well, give me a week.
Marshall: Okay, a-a week.
Lily: Fine.
Marshall: Fine.
(Ted comes out of his room, with the red boots on.)
Ted: Pulling... Them... Off.
Ted from 2030: Lily's first move on a great art challenge of 2008 was to display one of her favorite paintings at her friend's gallery. The night didn't go so well. But then at the last minute...
Woman: I love it.
Lily: You do?
Woman: Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous. Is that 100% silk?
Lily: It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale!
Ted from 2030: So the next day, Lily took her painting to a coffee house that displayed local artists.
Lily: We've been sitting here for hours and nobody's even glanced at my painting. Come on. Let's start talking it up.
Robin: Wow! I really like that painting! It's neat! The-the colors are neat. The-the shapes are neat. It's really just... neat. What?
Ted: Observe. I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance.
Robin: Yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche.
Ted: Can you clarify something for me about your critique? Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?"
Robin: Uh, then again, red cowboy boots.
Ted: I pull these off! (Everyone is laughing at him) I pull these off!
In bed...
Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Barney: What?
Abby: His stupid hair. His stupid, lame awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome.
Barney: You know what I hate most about Ted?
Abby: What?
Barney: How he's always like, "Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I care about the people I have s*x with." He's so lame.
Abby: He's so lame and awesome.
Barney: You know what he needs? He needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship.
Abby: Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Barney: I think so.
Abby: You're thinking of having s*x with Ted?
Ted from 2030: After four days without selling a single painting, Lily was getting desperate.
In the street
Lily: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us.
Man: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for?
Lily: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You?
Man: Heroin.
Lily: Do you like heroin?
Man: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin.
Lily: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy. Oh, I'm never gonna sell this...
Man: It's not very good.
Ted from 2030: And just as she was about to lose all hope, something amazing happened.
Man: 2 Oh, my God!
At the Bar
(Lily arrives)
Lily: 500 bucks! Who's a real painter now, Marshall?
Marshall: Honey, I never said you weren't a real painter.
Lily: Oh, I know, sweetie. And since I'm a professional artist now, I'm going to sketch you an Aldrin original, you know, to say thanks for being such a supportive husband. I'm thinking about calling it... "Suck It!"
Marshall: Lily, come on. I'm proud of you. Who-who bought it?
Lily: Well, that's the best part. A gay couple without kids. A G-CWOK!
Ted: You bagged a G-CWOK?!
Lily: Yeah, that's right. They are the heart and soul of the art-buying community.
Ted: You know what you should do? You should call up the G-CWOKs and offer them a free painting if they throw a private art party for all their G-CWOK friends.
Lily: That's an amazing idea. I'm going to go call them. I can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare. Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something I had to tell you. What was it? Oh, that's right. Suck it.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Barney and Abby arrives as Lily is leaving)
Barney: Ted, fancy bumping into you here. Have you guys met my girlfriend Abby?
Ted: Uh, yeah.
Barney: Hi, Abby.
Ted: Hello, Abby. So, uh, s-so you guys are dating now?
Barney: That's right. I am done with this whole being awesome thing. Now I'm all about farmers' markets and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie?
Abby: That's right. And girlfriends are lame. Unless they're me. I miss you, Ted.
Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot passionate love. Couple love. You know, movie night with my girlfriend, then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor.
Abby: We're showing Ted how lame he is.
Barney: You don't have to say it, though.
Ted: Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop.
Barney: Stop what, Ted? Stop being in love? Next he'll ask us to stop breathing.
Abby: We can't stop breathing, Ted. Your hair looks amazing.
Ted: Um, Barney, I, I see what you're doing. Please stop.
Barney: Not before I share with you what being in a relationship leads to, Ted. Abby, Pookie Bear... I am so pathetically desperate for you that... aw, heck, I'll just say it. Would you marry me?
Abby: Wait, really?
Barney: I would never joke about true love.
Abby: Yes, I'll marry you.
Barney: Okay.
Abby: Thank you, thank you. I have to call my mom.
Barney: That's you.
Ted: Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding.
Barney: Uh, yes, she does.
Abby: It finally happened, Mama. I just wish Daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle.
Barney: Totally committed to the bit.
Lily's on the phone
Lily: Yes, Lily Aldrin. I sold you the painting earlier today.
Man 2: Oh, honey, hello.
Lily: You sound happy.
Man 2: Are you kidding? We're popping the champagne right now.
Lily: Well, I just wanted to offer you an exclusive chance to view some of my other paintings.
Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh, I guess I should have told you. We just bought that for the frame.
Lily: What?
Man 2: Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer, a very rare frame from the turn of the century.
Lily: So... y-you didn't like my painting?
Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, no, not at all. But you know, good for you.
Lily: Okay. Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I... can I at least get it back?
Man 2: Yeah, no, we don't have it anymore.
Lily: Where is it? I see. H-He threw out my painting.
Man 2: Champagne for everyone on me, the happiest guy in the world.
At the apartment
Lily: This is great. My dream of becoming an artist is dead, and now I'm watching my wardrobe disappear piece by piece. There goes my favorite dress. This dress meant a lot to me.
Robin: Really?
Lily: Yeah. It was spring of 2004 and I had been having a hard few months.
[FLSHBACK]
Lily is walking up the street, a man looks at her.
Man: Da-amn.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress.
Robin: A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream.
Lily: Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl(a)MetroNewsOne.com.
Robin: It's still in the family.
(Marshall and Ted arrive)
Marshall: Lily, you're not going to believe this. Something amazing happened.
Lily: What?
Marshall: I went to the G-CWOK's apartment.
Lily: Really? Why?
Marshall: Because I felt guilty. This auction was my idea and now you've had to sit around all day while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly pick apart the carcass of your wardrobe.
Robin: It's still in the family.
Marshall: And more importantly, I honestly love that painting and I couldn't stand to think of it in a trashcan someplace.
Lily: Well, what happened?
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall and Ted arrive at the G-CWOK's apartment.
Man 2: Well, hello.
Marshall: Hi, um... Lawrence. I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily solyou-- the one in the nice frame.
Lawrence: Talk about a nice frame. My, my, you are a big one, aren't you? And you're married to that little bit of a thing. How does that work? I'd like to find out.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Yeah, we get it. Gay guys like you.
Marshall: No, Lily, they love me, but that's not the important part.
Ted: Here's the important part.
[FLASHBACK]
Ted: Since you're clearly a man of impeccable taste and style, I-I came down here to ask you: what do you think of the boots?
Lawrence: Walter. Boots.
Walter: Pulling... Them.... Off.
Ted: I'll be in the cab.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Ted: G-CWOK-approved.
Lily: The painting!
Marshall: Right, so, um, they told me they threw it in the building's Dumpster.
[FLASHBACK]
Marshall: It wasn't in there, but the super told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer-- a veterinarian who works in the building-- take the painting out of the trash.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Lily: Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting?
Marshall: You're about to find out.
At the vet
Dr Greer: I had to make a trash run. Been a busy day-- lots of neuterings.
Lily: Ooh, we don't need the details.
Dr Greer: Oh, n-n-no, it's not what you think. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly just dog testicles.
[FLASHBACK]
Dr Greer: Anyway... I noticed your painting just sitting right there on top and I thought, "Hey,free painting," so I brought it upstairs and hung it up in Exam Room 3, and then the strangest thing happened. Hey, Muffin. Whoa, I think he remembers me from the last time he was here. Take Muffin to Exam Room 3. I'll meet you there. I went in, expecting the worst. I'd never seen Muffin that calm, and then a little later the same thing happened again with Tidbit... and King Larry... and again with the Weinstein triplets.
[END OF FLASHBACK]
Dr Greer: Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level.
Lily: Really? Dogs like my paintings?
Dr Greer: Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan.
Marshall: Anyway, because your first painting worked so well, I convinced Dr. Greer to buy four more.
Lily: Really?
Marshall: Mm-hmm, at $500 a piece.
Lily: That's two grand. That's more than we need for the contractor.
Marshall: Yeah, but I was actually thinking we could reinvest it.
Lily: In what?
Marshall: In you.
At the apartment
Ted from 2030: Marshall explained that he was building a fancy new Web site specifically to sell Lily's artwork to veterinarians.
Lily: Well, it's not exactly the clientele I had in mind, but... thank you for believing in me.
(They kiss; a bird crashes into their window)
Marshall: Man, birds do not get you.
At Abby's
Abby: Hi, sweetie.
Barney: Hey, I think I left my tie here. Have you seen it?
Abby: No, I'm in wedding-planning mode. Stressville. Population: me. Okay, big decision. What do you think the cake should be: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss?
Barney: Yeah, that was a bit. We were doing a bit.
Abby: So I'm thinking Labor Day. I was going to say Fourth of July, but I don't want to steal any attention away from America.
Barney: Abby, I've... I've got some bad news. I can't marry you.
Abby: What?
Barney: Ted begged me not to. I think he's in love with you.
Abby: Really?
Barney: Yes, our plan worked better than we ever dreamed. You have to go to him. Here's his home address. But you know what? He works late, so I wouldn't go before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.
Abby: Oh, my God, thank you. But now I feel wrong keeping this.
Barney: Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. That's made of candy. Later.
Marshall: Hey, go to lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com or charityfolks.com.
Lily: We're having an auction to rise money for the children's hospital of Los Angeles
Marshall: You could get tons of cool stuff on the sell and they all use for great cause.
Lily & Marshall: Thanks.
Plan: A: one; Q: How many things do Barney and Abby have in common? A: Ted - the "couple; Q: Who do Barney and Abby hate? A: the bar; Q: Where do Barney and Abby go to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face? Summary: When Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted - the "couple" decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face.