Act One.
Scene One - Department Store. Roz and Frasier are walking through the store. Frasier is carrying a bag with a Menorah in it for Frederick.
Roz: I thought your father was in charge of Christmas decorations.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, not this year. We're doing it my way. That's why I'm ordering a tasteful tree here. They'll even deliver it on Christmas Eve, fully decorated.
Roz: [sarcastic] Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie.
Frasier: Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz: He's spending Christmas with dried-up old bones?
Frasier: [laughs] I thought I told you, she's taking him on an archaeological tour. [laughs with Roz] Oh good lord, look how late it's gotten!
Roz: Well, don't blame me, you're the one who spent twenty minutes looking for that candleholder thing.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, it's a Menorah, Roz. I thought I'd get one for Frederick for Hanukah.
Roz: Oh, that's right, I completely forgot Frederick is half-Jewish.
Frasier: Yes, between the Crane boy genes and Lilith's contribution, I'm not sure the NFL is holding its breath.
Roz: I need to go over to "Notions" and try to find something for Calvin, the security guard.
Frasier: Oh, what are you getting him?
Roz: If I knew I wouldn't be going to "Notions."
Roz leaves to the "Notions" part of the store. Frasier goes to the clothes department and asks the assistant (Sal):
Frasier: Excuse me, I'd like to get a gift for that woman I was with. Er, how about this sweater right here?
Sal: Excellent choice.
Frasier: I'm not sure of the size, though, could you find me this in a medium? Thank you.
Sal ducks under the counter for the sweater. Roz comes back.
Roz: It's a madhouse in there!
Frasier: [worried] Roz!
Roz: People pushing and shoving for nose-hair clippers. Is there a nasal hair epidemic I don't know about?
Sal: [rising] Here's your sweater.
Roz: Is he talking to you?
Frasier: [covering] No! No, no, he's talking...
A woman, of about fifty, in a red dress - Mrs. Helen Moskowitz - comes to his rescue.
Helen: He's talking to me! It's for my niece. But I'm a bit worried about the size. [to Roz] You know, she's just about your height. Do you mind my asking, would this fit you?
Roz: Mmm, that's a little big for me.
Helen: What about the color? A little blah?
Roz: Personally, I like the blue.
Helen: I agree, thank you so much. [to Sal] I will take a smaller size in the blue, and please gift-wrap it.
Sal: Coming right up.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, it looks like "Notions" has thinned out.
Roz: Oh good, so you think Calvin will like the nose hair clippers?
Frasier: Well, I think we can be sure he doesn't own a pair!
Roz exits to "Notions" again. Frasier turns to Helen.
Frasier: Gosh, thank you so much for bailing me out that way.
Helen: My pleasure. [shakes his hand] Helen.
Frasier: Helen, Frasier.
Helen: Not Frasier Crane, from the radio show?
Frasier: Yes.
Helen: Oh, ha-ho, I listen to you every time I come to Seattle to visit my daughter, Faye.
Frasier: Well, that's very kind.
Helen: You know, you really should know your wife's size.
Frasier: Oh, she's not my wife.
Helen: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry.
Frasier: It's all right.
Helen: Girlfriend?
Frasier: No, I don't have a girlfriend, actually. I'm unattached.
Helen: Oh. Well, I've taken enough of your time. Although, there is one small thing you could help me with. I'm looking for something for my daughter.
Frasier: Oh, what is it?
Helen: Nah, no, I really shouldn't ask.
Frasier: No, no, please.
Helen: No, no, it's too much of an imposition.
Frasier: No, no. After the way you came to my rescue, I would be delighted to help you in any way I can. What is it you're looking to get for your daughter?
Helen: A date with a nice, unattached doctor.
Frasier: Well, I certainly walked into that one, didn't I?
Helen: It wasn't my first time!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Café Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are standing in the Cafe as Frasier waits for his date.
Frasier: All right, now as soon as this woman gets here give me five minutes and then call me on my cell phone. If I am miserable I will simply say it's an emergency and excuse myself.
Niles: Ah, yes, the ever-valuable escape call.
Frasier: Oh, you've done them?
Niles: Oh... [laughs as if he's remembering the time, then stops] No, but I've seen them done.
Niles takes a position at the window seat as Faye - a beautiful woman with waves of black hair and an intelligent, forthright manner - enters.
[N.B. For my money, Amy Brenneman is the most attractive woman Frasier has dated before or since in the whole series - Mike Lee :-) ]
Faye: Excuse me, are you Frasier?
Frasier: [delighted] Faye? [she nods] Yes, hello! [rises and shakes her hand] How did you know it was me?
Faye: You had that horror-stricken look of someone who's met my mother.
Frasier: Oh, no, [points to seat] please, please, shall we?
Faye: Oh, no, that's very sweet of you but you don't have to go through with this. I really just came to apologize.
Frasier: No, please, please, why don't you sit down?
Faye does. Meanwhile, Daphne enters and spots Niles.
Daphne: Hey, Dr. Crane. Are you here with your brother?
Niles: [points to Frasier] No, actually he's on a blind date.
Daphne: Oh, he is, isn't he!
She sits with him. Niles begins to act nervous around Daphne. He begins fidgeting.
Daphne: Oh, look at him. I think he really fancies her. You know, it's always so obvious when a man likes a woman.
Niles begins awkward body language.
Daphne: You can just tell by his awkward body language. Niles begins shifting in his chair.
Daphne: Shifting in his chair, he doesn't know quite what to do with his hands.
Niles realizes his hands are all over the place.
Daphne: He's as nervous as a hen. [shouts] Oh for God's sake, stop fidgeting!
Niles, thinking she's talking to him, stops moving. Then he realizes she was talking about Frasier. Meanwhile, Frasier and Faye...
Frasier: So, your mother tells me that you're a lawyer.
Faye: Well, that's typical. I was a lawyer and I quit two years ago, and now I'm a pastry chef.
Frasier: Really?
Faye: Yes. I work in a little French restaurant in town. Maybe you've heard of it? Le Cigaré Volant.
Frasier: My God, it's one of my favorites! I had dinner there last Friday night.
They get excited.
Faye: I worked there last Friday night, what did you have?
Frasier: The Grand Marquis Soufflé.
Faye: I made that.
Frasier: Oh, it was poetry on a plate.
Faye: Thank you. [then] You didn't happen to find my earring in it, did you? [Frasier gives her a look] I'm kidding!
Frasier: Oh, [laughs] you know, suddenly I'm glad that your mother is as pushy as she is. It's funny, though, you're nothing like her.
Faye: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [laughs]
Meanwhile, Daphne gives Niles a proposal:
Daphne: Dr. Crane, can I ask a favor? What are you doing for the next ten nights, because my...
Niles: [quickly] Yes. [Daphne gives him a look] Excuse me, finish the question.
Daphne: Well, my neighborhood theatre group is putting on a holiday revue; in fact, we're performing in the common room of Dr. Crane's building.
Niles: Right downstairs?
Daphne: Yeah, but we're still looking for a musical director. I would never ask you but they've put me in charge of the whole thing.
Niles: Oh, well count me in. Is the show more religious in tone or secular?
Daphne: [gets out her notes] Well, we couldn't quite agree. So we ended up with a mixed bag. Er, we open with the "no room at the inn" scene, then it's a rousing version of "Jingle Bell Rock," a brief medley from "Jesus Christ Superstar." And the first act ends with Santa's elves and the three wise men all linking arms and singing "Frosty the Snowman."
Niles: Well... [gropes for a response] Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.
Back to Frasier and Faye. Frasier is talking of his history.
Frasier: Of course I love Boston but well, there's no place like home. Frasier's mobile rings.
Frasier: Excuse me. [into phone] Yes, hello? Uh, yes but you know what, I'll just have to sign those papers later, thank you. [hangs up] Office work.
Faye: That was an escape call, wasn't it?
Frasier: No! What are you talking about?
Faye: Come on, it's a blind date. You wanted a way to back out.
Frasier: Oh, gosh, you are sharp, aren't you? How did you know?
Faye's mobile starts ringing. She gives a look as we FADE OUT.
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Niles is hanging up a stylish wreath in the apartment. Frasier is on the phone to Faye.
Frasier: [to phone] Well, that would be just lovely. All right, I'll see you soon. [hangs up] Well, isn't that nice? Faye's dropping by.
Niles: Oh, you've been seeing a lot of her lately, haven't you?
Frasier: Yes, I have. You know, she really is quite wonderful.
Niles: Well, I thought she was off to Florida with her mother.
Frasier: Yes, she is. They're both popping by on the way to the airport. I guess someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent Frasier miles. [laughs]
Niles: [chucks him on the shoulder, then] You don't ever actually say those things to the woman, do you?
Frasier: Oh, no, no.
Daphne enters with costumes on her arm.
Daphne: Oh good, Dr. Crane, you're here.
Niles: Yes, the show starts in half an hour.
Daphne: Yeah, could you give me a hand? I still have to sew the chains to Jacob Marley's tux for the dance number.
Niles: Oh, yeah, happy to.
Frasier: Jacob Marley? They're doing "A Christmas Carol" too?
Niles: No, they're not. They worked him into the nativity scene.
Niles exits after Daphne. Martin then enters from his room with "Rudolph" - a big garish wreath with Rudolph popping out of it. His nose looks as if it can glow if plugged in.
Martin: Hey Fras', where's a good spot for Rudolph this year?
Frasier: Dad! Please, I thought we had an agreement about the decorations.
Martin: I know, but what's Christmas without Rudolph?
Frasier: He is not even one of the original reindeer!
Martin: Well, do the others have a song?
Frasier: Look, I'm not having this discussion again!
Martin: It's because you know I'm right. Well, forget it, I wouldn't want to ruin your designer Christmas!
Martin exits to his room as the doorbell sounds. Frasier answers it to Faye.
Frasier: Oh, Faye. [hugs her] Hi, good to see you. Here, let me take your coat. [does] Where's Helen?
Faye: Er, she's talking to your doorman. She's trying to fix him up with my cousin Janet and I couldn't bear to watch.
Frasier: [re: door] We'll just leave that ajar for her then.
Faye notices the wreath.
Faye: Oh my gosh.
Frasier: What?
Faye: You have a wreath.
Frasier: Yes, so?
Faye: Aren't you Jewish?
Frasier: No, no, why do you ask?
Faye: The day we met my mother saw you shopping for a Menorah.
Frasier: Yes, for my son. My ex-wife is Jewish.
Faye: Oh, God...
Frasier: Is there a problem?
Faye: Uh, for me, no, but my mother is another story, and here I was wondering what we'd talk about on the seven hour flight to Miami.
Frasier: You know what, I can just take this down.
Faye: Uh, no, no, no, no, I have to stop being a child about these things. If she's upset, she's upset.
Frasier: How many stopovers do you have?
Faye: Two.
Frasier: I'll take it down.
Faye: Thank you.
Frasier takes the wreath down.
Faye: I really appreciate you doing this.
Frasier: Oh, it's no problem.
Faye: I can't believe I'm actually asking you to pretend you to be Jewish on Christmas Eve.
Frasier: It's all right, really, it probably won't even come up.
There is a knock at the door and Helen enters.
Frasier: Hello, there she is!
Helen: Hello, Frasier!
Frasier: Helen, hi.
Helen: Oh, what a beautiful apartment you have.
Frasier: Thank you very much.
Eddie then jumps up onto the sofa. He is dressed in a Father Christmas outfit. Helen's back is turned to him. Faye looks alarmed.
Frasier: GET OUT! Eddie runs out.
Helen: What?
Frasier: [covering] -of that coat already! [takes it off her]
End Of Act One. Act Two.
OY TO THE WORLD
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Helen, Faye and Frasier are sitting in the apartment and discussing.
Helen: So, Frasier, you grew up in Seattle?
Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
Helen: [looks at view] Such a pretty city.
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Helen: I guess you were bar mitzvahed here?
Frasier: Oh yes, yes of course. What a proud day that was. I can still remember reading from the Torah before the... the Rabbi... [struggling] and the Cantor... and the Mohel.
Helen: The Mohel?
Frasier: Yes.
Faye: [helping him] The one who did your circumcision?
Frasier: Yes, yes, I just wanted to show him that there were no hard feelings. [notices Niles entering] Niles!
Niles: Hello all, you must be Faye. [shakes hand]
Helen: [shakes his hand] And I'm her mother, Helen Moskowitz.
Niles: And I'm Frasier's brother, Niles. [notices the wreath is gone] Oh, what happened to the...
Frasier: [interrupting] The Moskowitz family that lived down the hall? They moved! You know, Niles, why don't you come and help me in the kitchen? I'm just about to pour everybody a drink.
The camera resets to the kitchen as they both enter.
Niles: What's going on?
Frasier: Faye's mother thinks that we're Jewish, just play along.
Niles: [used to the farce scenario] Okay. [pause] Why?
Frasier: Well, it's important to Faye, Faye is important to me. Do you think you can pull it off?
Niles: No problem. [checks oven] Ooh, ham!
Frasier: Niles! Please. We've got to find a time to tell Dad about this too.
Niles: You mean Papa.
Frasier: Stop it!
Frasier pours the wine.
Niles: Wait, Frasier, is that for Helen?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: What if she's expecting Jewish wine?
Frasier: Gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any of that on hand.
Niles: It's all right, it's easy enough. It's just like regular wine plus a little bit of this...
Niles takes some sugar and puts two teaspoons into the glass.
Niles: Try that.
Frasier: [he does] It's dreadful!
Niles: Perfect.
Niles and Frasier enter the room with the wine.
Frasier: Here we are. [hands out wine]
Helen: Thank you. Who has a nice toast? Niles?
Niles: Ooh, all right. L'chaim! Mazel tov! Next year in Jerusalem!
Frasier: Take it down a notch, Tevye.
Martin enters.
Martin: Hey Fras', you know, since it's the night before...
Frasier/Niles: Dad! Martin notices guests.
Martin: Oh, great, would it be a crime for somebody to tell me we had guests here? [to the women] Hi, I'm Marty Crane. I'm Frasier's dad. Although you'd never guess it from the way I'm treated like a second-class citizen around here. [sarcastic] But as long as Frasier's happy, why should my feelings matter?
Martin exits to the kitchen.
Frasier: Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
Niles: Oh all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need that tsuris. [gives a "how's that?" smile]
Frasier: Niles!
With his back turned to Faye & Helen, Frasier mouths, "HALF THAT!" Niles exits to the kitchen as Frasier gives the women a wry smile.
[N.B. Yiddish: "complain" and "agonies."]
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Martin complains to Niles.
Martin: I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin: Like what?
Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
Martin: Can't you give me an example?
Niles: What, I should give you an example?
Martin: Are you going to help me or not?
Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin: Oh, forget it!
Martin and Niles enter the living room.
Helen: So, Marty, both your sons are doctors. How'd you work that out?
Martin: I've no idea. [then] Do I?
Everyone looks at each other. Daphne enters with costumes. Helen begins to dial on her mobile.
Daphne: Well, I just got the phone call every producer dreads.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: Someone's dropping out of the show.
She goes to the door, then stops and turns around.
Daphne: You don't suppose you could take over one of the roles?
Niles: Well, I don't see why not, I know all the songs.
Daphne: Wonderful.
Niles: [to ladies] Well, it was nice meeting you both.
Faye: Likewise. We're leaving too. Could you send the elevator back up, we'll be right down.
Niles: Happy to. So, who dropped out?
Daphne: Mr. Blanchard.
Niles: Oy!
Daphne and Niles exit the apartment.
Frasier: Well, you know, it's been great spending some time with the two of you, I wish you could stay longer.
Helen: [puts mobile down] Well, actually we can. I just called the airline. The plane is delayed an hour.
Frasier: Well, isn't that good news?
Helen: You know, I hate to be forward but I'd love to taste whatever smells so wonderful in that kitchen.
Frasier: And I would love to give you a taste, except it isn't done yet.
The cooker beeps done.
Frasier: Well, more good news!
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Faye and Frasier are in the kitchen talking about the farce.
Frasier: I don't know how much longer we can continue this charade. My God, when Dad started talking about working on his own car I thought we were goners!
Faye: Well, we only have to keep it up for another half an hour... actually I think I have an idea.
Frasier: Really?
Faye: Go out there.
Frasier: Okay.
Frasier exits and the camera resets to the living room. Faye and Martin are waiting.
Frasier: Well, I don't know what it is with that brisket, it just won't cook through.
Helen: I could take a look.
Faye: [enters] No, no, we don't have the time. I just got off the phone with the airlines, they pushed the flights back up so we really have to get going.
Helen: Oh, really? Well, all right.
Frasier: Gosh, I wish you could stay longer, it's just I'd hate to have you late for your plane.
Frasier opens the door for them to go - however the man from the department store is there with the Christmas tree.
Deliverer: Hello, sir- Frasier quickly shuts the door.
Frasier: On the other hand, I can't leave until you've seen the apartment, all right?
Faye: What?
Frasier: Let's start with the bedroom. There's plenty of time.
There's a knock at the door.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, could you see who it is and make sure they come back later?
Martin: Whatever you want, Frasier, as usual.
Frasier, Faye and Helen go to Frasier's room. Martin answers the door to the deliverer.
Deliverer: Hello sir, and let me wish you a merry...
Martin: Shush, shush, bring that thing back in about an hour.
Deliverer: No way sir, it's Christmas Eve, I've got a full truck downstairs. So where do you want it?
Martin: Oh Jeez, I don't know.
Deliverer: You know, a lot of people put them in their living room.
Martin: [opens powder room] Here, here put it in the bathroom.
Deliverer: The bathroom?
Martin: Just put it in, all right?
Deliverer: Okay, I've done some crazy things...
Martin, the deliverer and the tree are taken into the powder room and they shut the door behind them.
Then the front door opens. It is Niles dressed in his Jesus costume. Niles has a cold and is searching for his nasal spray. He goes into the kitchen. Martin then looks out of the powder room.
Martin: All right, come on, quick.
Deliverer: Okay. Well, have a, you know-
Martin: Shut up, get out.
Martin pushes him out of the apartment before shutting the powder room door, leaving the tree in there.
Then, the Moskowitzes and Frasier enter.
Helen: That's a beautiful bedroom, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, thank you very much.
Helen: [to Faye] I noticed you were sort of quiet, Faye, almost as though you've been in there before.
Faye: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, I have, Ma, but I was drunk and it was
dark: I don't remember so much!
Helen: [to Martin] You see how she talks to her mother? Oy!
At that moment Niles dressed as Jesus walks out of the kitchen. Helen cannot see him as her back is turned, however Faye and Frasier notice him.
Frasier: Jesus! Niles hurries back into the kitchen.
Frasier: I'll tell you what, I just realized you haven't seen the beautiful balcony. Dad, would you do the honors and I'll check on the brisket?
Martin, Helen and Faye go onto the balcony. Meanwhile, Frasier meets Niles in the kitchen.
Frasier: What is going on?
Niles: The man who is supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ Superstar" - he couldn't go on. He slipped in the shower; the man who could walk on water, but...
Frasier: Yes, yes, it's dripping with irony! Niles, what are you doing here?
Niles: Well, the minute I got within ten feet of the hay for the manger scene, my allergies kicked in. I think I left my nasal spray here somewhere.
Frasier: I am terribly sorry to tell you this, but you've got to get the hell out of here.
Niles: I don't think that kind of language is appropriate.
Frasier: Oh, just shut up!
Frasier exits the kitchen and enters the balcony:
Frasier: Would you believe it, it's still pink in the middle. By the time my brisket's done my kugel will be dry as the Sinai.
Niles begins to leave the apartment. However, on the way out he spots the powder room. He opens it and finds his nasal spray. However, when he tries to get out he realizes that the Moskowitzes, Frasier and Martin are coming in from the balcony. Niles hides back in the powder room.
Helen: It certainly is beautiful, but now I think we're cutting it close.
Frasier: Yes, you know, you're quite right. We can continue the tour at another time. Let me walk you to the door.
Helen: Thank you so much, Frasier, you're wonderful. You know, maybe I should go to the powder room before we go.
Frasier: Oh yes, allow me.
Frasier opens the powder room door. Because of this he is behind the door and cannot see the scene he has uncovered. We see Niles, dressed as Jesus, using his nasal spray in front of the Christmas tree. Talk about incriminating. Faye, Helen and Martin just stare. Frasier looks over the door, yells and shuts the door.
Helen: What is going on?
Frasier: Helen, I am so terribly sorry.
Niles knocks on the powder room door. Frasier opens it and Niles enters.
Niles: I'll let you all sort this out, I really have to go.
Helen: I understand, this is your busy time.
Niles exits via the front door.
Faye: Ma, Frasier's not Jewish. I told them to pretend so you wouldn't freak out.
Helen: What? Well, I... you think I care, you can date anyone you want!
Faye: Since when?
Helen: I can't believe you're embarrassing me like this.
Faye: You embarrass me on an hourly basis!
Helen: I embarrass you?! [to Frasier] Are you hearing this?
Frasier: You know, maybe we should just give you your privacy...
Helen: No one leaves! [to Faye] You see, you are making them uncomfortable in their own home. You could have trusted me to understand. All I want is for you to be happy.
Faye: As long as I'm happy in the life that you pick out for me!
Helen: Excuse me for being a terrible mother, all I do is care!
Faye: Oh, here it comes, the guilt! Just because I don't want you controlling my whole life...
Helen: So what do you want me to do about it, cut myself out of it?! You hate me?!
Faye: Sometimes I DO hate you!
Faye gasps and covers her mouth, realizing what she has said. Helen does the same. They begin crying.
Faye: I'm sorry Ma, I shouldn't have said that.
Helen: Why not? I am too involved. It's because you're all I have.
Faye: But you can't keep running my life.
Frasier: Maybe we should just...
Helen: Sit! We're nearly done.
Frasier and Martin do and look at each other with amazement.
Helen: I have been smothering you. Maybe it's time I learned to let you go.
Faye: I don't want to be let go. I want you in my life - just not running it. I do love you, mom.
Helen: Oh, baby, I love you too.
Helen and Faye hug crying... and then suddenly:
Faye: Well, we should go.
Helen: Right.
They go to the door.
Helen: Oh, thank you for a lovely visit. Enjoy your holiday. Helen exits.
Faye: I am so sorry about all this.
Frasier: That's all right, that's all right. [hugs her] Call me when you get back.
Faye exits.
Frasier: Good night. [closes door]
Martin: Boy, that was something.
Frasier: It certainly was. You know, we've had a couple of squabbles today, but nothing like that.
Martin: No way! [laughs]
Frasier: Well, maybe I should get that Christmas tree out of the bathroom.
Frasier gets the tree.
Martin: One minute they're talking about one little problem; then suddenly it's everything else. Then it gets all emotional and messy and then they're hugging and then it's all over.
Frasier has now put the tree in its place.
Frasier: You know, I suppose that's the healthiest way to go about it, huh, Dad?
Martin: Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't keep that stuff bottled up.
Frasier: No, if you sit on it, you'll just get madder and madder.
Martin: Yeah, best thing is to just lay it on the line!
Frasier: Exactly.
Pause. As the following progresses, they get louder and louder.
Martin: Frasier, I want my Rudolph out for Christmas.
Frasier: What, this again?
Martin: It's just not Christmas without it!
Frasier: Dad, we had an agreement about the Christmas decorations this year.
Martin: Yeah, but your Christmas stinks. I mean, do you call that a tree?
Frasier: You know, would it kill you to have a tasteful Christmas just once in your life? Every year we do Christmas your way.
Martin: And you have things your way every damn day! I mean look at it, there's nothing of mine around this place except for my chair and you've taken pot shots at that right from the start because it doesn't fit in with your frou-frou knick- knacks!
Frasier: Oh that's right, Dad, go ahead, ridicule everything I do: the way I eat, the way I decorate. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?
Martin: Do you know how it makes me feel to live like a guest in my own home?
Frasier: Dad, I do everything I can to make you feel welcome in this house, but nothing I ever do is good enough!
Martin: A strange way of making me feel welcome: taking Christmas away from me - the one time of the year when I get to do things my way! Like it used to be in our home, with your mother and when you were kids! You know, that's a nice memory for me, you'd think as a psychiatrist you'd figure that out!
Frasier: Fine, I'm not even a good psychiatrist! I guess I'm just a big fat let-down, aren't I?!
Martin: And I'm just a burden to you, AND I HATE LIVING HERE!
Frasier: AND I HATE YOU LIVING HERE!
Similar to Faye and Helen, Martin and Frasier realize what they said. They begin crying.
Frasier: Oh my God.
Martin: Oh, Jeez.
Frasier: Oh God, I feel terrible.
Martin: So do I. They were hugging by now!
Frasier: We never should have tried this, we're not Jewish.
Martin: Maybe Mrs. Shapiro next door can talk us through it?
Frasier: She's out of town.
Martin: Oh, no. [cries] I'm sorry, I never should have said what I said.
Frasier: Oh Dad, no, I should have been more sensitive. I am a psychiatrist.
Martin: And you're a damned good one too, and I'm very proud of you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yes.
Frasier: Oh Dad, I didn't mean any of the things I said. I love having you here.
Martin: I love being here. I always have.
Frasier: Honestly?
Martin: Well, no, but I thought it would get us to the hug!
Frasier: All right, let's try.
Frasier and Martin hug whilst still tearful.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier's Apartment - The apartment is fully decorated. Rudolph is above the fire with his nose flashing. There is tinsel around the place. We then see the Christmas tree: a large one covered in lots of decoration. We also see milk and cookies on the side which Eddie eats, whilst dressed in his Christmas Santa costume.
Plan: A: Christmas; Q: What holiday is approaching? A: his son; Q: Who is Frasier looking for a menorah for? A: a covert attempt; Q: How does Frasier try to purchase a sweater for Roz? A: another woman; Q: Who saves Frasier by pretending to be buying a sweater for Roz? A: the radio; Q: Where did the woman who rescued Frasier recognize him from? A: his thanks; Q: What does Frasier offer to the woman who rescues him? A: the kindness; Q: What does the woman ask him to return? A: a date; Q: What does the woman suggest Frasier do with her daughter? A: Faye; Q: Who is the woman's daughter? A: Jewish; Q: What did Faye and Helen think Frasier was? A: the pretense; Q: What must Frasier maintain to avoid offending Helen? Summary: Christmas is approaching, and while out shopping with Roz and looking for a menorah for his son, Frasier makes a covert attempt to purchase a sweater for Roz. Just before she realises, another woman steps in and rescues Frasier by pretending that she is buying it. She recognises him from the radio, and when he offers his thanks and asks if he can return the kindness, she suggests a date with her daughter, Faye. When it transpires that Faye and Helen thought Frasier was Jewish, he must maintain the pretense to avoid offending Helen.