[INT. TARDIS]
The Doctor: Take a punt.
Clara: Right.
The Doctor: Your choice. Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space.
Clara: Well, there is something, someone that I've always wanted to meet. But I know what you'll say.
The Doctor: Try me.
Clara: You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing.
The Doctor: Go on.
Clara: It's. It's Robin Hood.
The Doctor: Robin Hood.
Clara: Yeah. I love that story. I've always loved it, ever since I was little.
The Doctor: Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor.
Clara: Yeah.
The Doctor: He's made up. There's no such thing.
Clara: Ah, you see?
The Doctor: Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara.
Clara: And what about you?
The Doctor: Me?
Clara: Yeah, you. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. That sounds pretty heroic to me.
The Doctor: Just passing the time. Hey, what about Mars?
Clara: What?!
The Doctor: The Ice Warrior Hives.
Clara: You said it was my choice.
The Doctor: Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light. Those girls can hold their drink.
Clara: Doctor.
The Doctor: And fracture fifteen different levels of reality simultaneously. I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere.
Clara: Doctor! My choice. Robin Hood. Show me.
The Doctor: Very well.
[CLARA GASPS EXCITEDLY]
The Doctor: Earth. England. Sherwood Forest. 1190AD. Ish. But you'll only be disappointed.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[River]
[BIRDSONG]
The Doctor: No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood.
Robin: You called? Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre.
Robin: It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?
The Doctor: A trick?
Robin: A good jest. [LAUGHS]
The Doctor: This is not a trick. This is a TARDIS.
Robin: Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it.
The Doctor: It's my property, that's what it is.
Robin: Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?
The Doctor: You're not serious.
Robin: I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. [LAUGHS]
The Doctor: And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?
Robin: Not as yet.
The Doctor: Lucky I'm here then, isn't it?
Clara: Might be a little bit much, but what do you reckon, Doctor?
Robin: By all the saints. Are there any more in there?
Clara: Is that?
The Doctor: No.
Clara: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him. You actually found Robin Hood.
The Doctor: That is not Robin Hood.
Robin: Well then, who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box?
The Doctor: Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next.
Robin: Well then, draw your sword and prove your words.
The Doctor: I have no sword. I don't need a sword.
The Doctor: Because I am the Doctor.
The Doctor: And this is my spoon. En garde!
Robin: Ow!
Clara: You're amazing.
The Doctor: I've had some experience. Richard the Lionheart. Cyrano de Bergerac. Errol Flynn. He had the most enormous
Clara: Ahem.
The Doctor: Ego.
Clara: [CLEARS HER THROAT] Takes one to know one.
Robin: Oh, you.
Clara: Doctor!
The Doctor: Like I said. My box.
Clara: Doctor?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[THE DOCTOR GASPS ROBIN AND CLARA LAUGH CHICKENS SQUAWK]
Quale: In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward.
Girl: Do not fuss. All will be well.
Quale: This is the Sheriff's doing. If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart!
Sheriff: Would you now?
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Sheriff: Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle?
Quale: Take me. Spare this dear child.
Sheriff: Take you? A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle. Labour and gold. Not old men and their worthless baubles. This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me. Newcomer to Sherwood, are we?
Girl: Yes, my Lord.
Sheriff: You may also prove useful. Bring her.
Quale: Your days are numbered, you cur.
Sheriff: You shall live to regret that. Actually, no. You won't.
Girl: No! No! [SHE SOBS]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Outlaw's Hideout]
Robin: Let me introduce you to my men. This is Will Scarlet. He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue.
Will: My lady.
[LAUGHTER]
Will: Argh! What do you want with my hair?
The Doctor: Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that.
Robin: And this is Friar Tuck. Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into.
Tuck: You skinny blackguard.
[LAUGHTER]
Tuck: What are you doing?
The Doctor: This isn't a real sandal.
Tuck: Yes, it is.
The Doctor: (sniffs) Oh. Yes, it is.
Robin: This, er, is Alan-a-Dale. He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days.
Alan: ♪ Stranger you are welcome here, in Sherwood's bonny glade. ♪ Ow!
The Doctor: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Blood analysis. Oh. All those diseases. If you were real, you'd be dead in six months.
Alan: I am real.
The Doctor: Bye.
Robin: And this is John Little. Called Little John. He's my loyal companion in many an adventure.
[ALL LAUGH]
Clara: Oh!
Will: Works every time.
Clara: Oh, I cannot believe this. You, you really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Robin: Aye! That is an apt description. What say you, lads?
ALL: Aye!
The Doctor: Stop laughing. Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? I'm going to need a sample.
Robin: Of what?
Clara: [CLEARS HER THROAT] Excuse me. Sorry. What are you doing?
The Doctor: Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious. Could be a theme park from the future. Or we might be inside a miniscope.
Clara: Oh, shut up.
The Doctor: A miniscope. Yes, of course. Why not?
Robin: Your friend seems not quite of the real world.
Clara: No. No, he's not really. Not most of the time. Dark days?
Robin: My lady?
Clara: You said that these were dark days. What did you mean?
Will: King Richard is away on crusade, my lady. His tyrant of a brother rules instead.
Clara: And the Sheriff. Cos there is a sheriff, right?
Alan: Aye. It is indeed this jackal of the princes who seeks to oppress us for ever more.
The Doctor: Or six months in your case.
Robin: It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts when there is such beauty here.
Clara: Why are you so sad?
Robin: Why do you think me sad?
Clara: Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much.
Robin: You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice. You see before you Robert.
Both: Earl of Loxley.
Clara: Yes.
Robin: Yes.
Clara: Sorry. Do go on.
Robin: I er, I had my lands and titles stripped from me. I dared to speak out against Prince John. But I lost the thing most dear to me.
Clara: What was she called?
Robin: You're so very quick. How does the Doctor stand it?
Clara: Marian?
Robin: You know her?
Clara: Oh, yes. I have always known her.
Robin: It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted. But, I was afraid. Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed. Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day. Until that day, it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters.
The Doctor: What time is it, Mister Hood?
Robin: Somewhat after noon.
The Doctor: No, no. Time of year? What season?
Robin: Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor. The time of mists and harvest approaches.
The Doctor: Yeah, yeah. All very poetic. But it's very green hereabouts, though, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny.
Clara: So?
The Doctor: Have you been to Nottingham?
[BIRDSONG]
Clara: Climate change?
The Doctor: It's 1190.
Robin: You must excuse me. The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land. And the bounty, it's an arrow made of pure gold.
Clara: No! Don't, don't go. It's a trap.
Robin: Well, of course it is! [ALL LAUGH] But a contest to find the best archer in the land? [CHUCKLES] There is no contest.
[All LAUGH]
The Doctor: Right, that isn't even funny. That was bantering. I am totally against bantering.
Clara: How can you be so sure he is not the real thing?
The Doctor: Because he can't be.
Clara: When did you stop believing in everything?
The Doctor: When did you start believing in impossible heroes?
Clara: Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[BEEPING CHEERING]
Herald: In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff...
[MUTED CHEERING]
Herald: And the stranger known as Tom the Tinker.
[RAUCOUS CHEERING]
Sheriff: Perhaps not such a stranger after all.
Herald: Take your places.
Robin: Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another twenty paces?
Sheriff: Why not?
Sheriff: Now, Tinker. Let us see thy true face.
[CHEERING]
Herald: Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England. Come forward, Tinker. And claim your prize.
Little John: He's full of surprises, isn't he?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. My skills as a bowman speak for themselves. I claim my reward.
The Doctor: A mere bauble.
The Doctor: I want something else.
Sheriff: Name it.
The Doctor: Enlightenment.
The Doctor: This is getting silly.
Sheriff: Fascinating. Seize him!
The Doctor: What are you doing? Put that down.
Clara: I'm fine. I take Year Seven for after school Tae Kwon Do.
Robin: Don't worry, Doctor. I'll save you.
The Doctor: I don't need saving.
Robin: Your honour is safe.
The Doctor: I know.
Robin: For I am Robin.
[CHEERING]
Robin: Robin Hood!
Voice (O.C.): Witchery! Witchery!
The Doctor: Robot.
[CLANKING]
The Doctor: Now we're getting somewhere.
Sheriff: Take them. Kill the rest. Kill them all!
The Doctor: He surrenders!
Robin: What?
The Doctor: Hai!
Robin: You miserable cur. I had them on the run. Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day!
Tuck: Come on!
Sheriff: To the dungeons with all of them.
Clara: What are you up to?
The Doctor: Quickest way to find out anybody's plans, get yourself captured.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Castle]
[SCREAMS AND GROANS]
Girl: Here, let me help you.
Walter: Thank you, Lady.
Girl: What are you? Gargoyle, what are you?
Knight: Leave it.
Girl: He only needs to rest. We all need to rest.
Knight: Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent.
Girl: No. No, please.
Knight: Usefulness expired.
Walter: No. No! No!
Girl: Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Dungeon]
Robin: Splendid. Enchained.
Clara: Yep.
Robin: Trussed up like turkey-cocks. Thanks to your friend.
The Doctor: Shut it, Hoodie. I saved your life.
Robin: I had the situation well in hand.
The Doctor: Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights? I know where I'd put my money.
Robin: If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant.
The Doctor: You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes.
Robin: Oh, ha!
The Doctor: You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets.
Robin: Balderdash. Ha!
The Doctor: Oh, right, here we go. It's laughing time.
Robin: Well, you amuse me, grey old man.
The Doctor: Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person.
Robin: Oh, I find that, I find that quite funny. Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on. A-ha-ha-ha!
The Doctor: Guards, I cannot remain in this cell. Execute me now.
Robin: You heard him. Execute the old fool.
The Doctor: No, hang on. Execute him.
Robin: I do not fear death, so execute away.
The Doctor: Execute him. I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!
Robin: Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death.
The Doctor: Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I would pay good money to see that.
The Doctor & Robin: Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard!
Clara: Oh, you two, SHUT UP! Do either of you understand, in any way at all, that there isn't actually a guard out there?
The Doctor: Oh.
Robin: I did, in fact.
The Doctor: No, you didn't.
Clara: I said, shut up. The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar. Is this seriously the best that you can do? You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling.
Robin: Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone.
The Doctor: Really?
Robin: Really.
The Doctor: Well, you know what? I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage. Oh!
Clara: It is not a competition about who can die slower.
The Doctor: It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it?
Clara: There was supposed to be a plan. Do either of you two have a plan?
The Doctor: Yeah, of course I have a plan.
Robin: I too have a plan.
Clara: Okay. Robin, you first.
The Doctor: Why him?
Clara: Doctor, shut up. Robin, your plan.
Robin: I am biding my time.
Clara: Thank you, Prince of Thieves. Last of the Time Lords?
The Doctor: Yes, I have a plan.
Clara: Can you explain your plan without using the word sonic screwdriver? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying. It's always the screwdriver.
The Doctor: Okay, let, let, let, let's hear Robin's plan first.
Clara: Oh, for God's sake!
[DOOR IS UNLOCKED]
Robin: See? There was a guard. There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Guard: The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader.
The Doctor: Ah, so he can do the interrogating. Very wise.
Robin: Excellent. He will get nothing from me.
The Doctor: No, no, no, no. no. He will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan.
Robin: Just hurry up and take me to him.
The Doctor: No, no, chop-chop, come on.
Clara: Seriously.
Guard: Come on.
The Doctor: No.
Robin: What are you doing?
The Doctor: Don't be ridiculous!
[DOOR SLAMS]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Outlaw's Hideout]
Little John: 'Tis a thing of beauty indeed.
Will: And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down.
Tuck: Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin. We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel. Lord, forgive me.
Alan: Strange, though, is it not?
Little John: What?
Alan: All this looting that the Sheriff is doing, and yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes. Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him. Only gold.
Alan: ♪ Poor Robin and the stranger lay, In the dungeon all the live-long day. The Merry Men might pine away, Upon a Sherwood morning. ♪
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Sheriff's]
[GROANS AND SCREAMS]
Sheriff: Eat, my Lady, eat. Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host.
Clara: I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks.
Sheriff: Your words are strange, fair one.
Clara: Mmm, I should think they are.
Sheriff: But I like you. You're refreshingly direct.
Clara: You can take the girl out of Blackpool.
Sheriff: Taken from your friend's strange tunic. An intriguing gallimaufry. Including this wand. Evidently a thing of awesome power. Tell me, are you from beyond the stars?
Clara: You're the one with the robot army, you tell me.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Dungeon]
The Doctor: I'm sorry?
Robin: No. Beat your breast. Moan. Groan as though twenty devils possessed your guts.
The Doctor: What for?
Robin: So as to attract the attention of that gargoyle-faced guard.
The Doctor: It's your plan. You moan.
Robin: No, no. No, it won't work.
The Doctor: Why?
Robin: Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you.
The Doctor: I have a what?
Robin: You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots. They're strangers to vegetables.
The Doctor: I'm not moaning. You moan.
Robin: Fine. If you want something doing. [HE MOANS LOUDLY] Can I rely upon you to do the rest?
The Doctor: Yes, yes, I know the drill.
Guard: What is this din?
The Doctor: No business of yours, cur. (to Robin) Speak up. I can't hear you.
Guard: What ails him?
The Doctor: None of your business.
Guard: I said, what ails him?
The Doctor: Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown.
Guard: A what?
The Doctor: He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope. He gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse. [HE GROANS] Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself.
Guard: Let him die. It will save us the trouble of executing him.
The Doctor: And what will happen to the reward?
Guard: Reward?
The Doctor: Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that.
Guard: Tell me!
The Doctor: He carries a vital message. The Prince has promised a bounty.
Guard: A big one?
The Doctor: An enormous one.
Guard: What's that? Say again?
Robin: [HE MUMBLES] Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that?
[ROBIN GRUNTS]
Robin: Soiled myself?
The Doctor: Did you? That's getting into character. Okay, keys.
Robin: I'll get them.
The Doctor: No, no. I'll get them.
Robin: I'll get them. I'll get them.
The Doctor: I'm fine, no, no worries. I've got them!
Robin: I've got them! I'll get...
[KEYS RATTLE THEN FALL TAPPING AS THEY FALL THEN THEY LAND IN WATER]
The Doctor: Well, there is a bright side.
Robin: Which is?
The Doctor: Clara didn't see that.
[ROBIN SIGHS]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Sheriff's]
Sheriff: But enough of tawdry matters. Let us talk of softer, sweeter things.
Clara: Ah. Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that.
Sheriff: You were?
Clara: Mmm. For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time. Ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky.
Sheriff: You saw them too?
Clara: And those strange mechanical men, with their promises.
Sheriff: I too have experienced this.
Clara: Really? Well, I would never have guessed. Tell me your story.
Sheriff: Tell me yours.
Clara: Oh, no, no, no, no. But you have to go first.
Sheriff: Why so?
Clara: Because great men always precede.
Sheriff: You have a point.
Clara: Your story, then.
Sheriff: Once upon a time, there was a brave and clever and handsome man.
Clara: I can almost picture him. I don't even have to close my eyes.
Sheriff: Unappreciated by his royal master.
Clara: Prince John?
Sheriff: The very same.
Clara: Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed.
Sheriff: The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire.
Clara: I'd almost call it a crash. I remember it well.
Sheriff: A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining. The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen.
Clara: And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader?
Sheriff: It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets. Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm. King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough.
Clara: It isn't?
Sheriff: After this, Derby.
Clara: Right.
Sheriff: Then Lincoln. And after Lincoln
Clara: Worksop?
[DAGGER SLAMS LOUDLY]
Sheriff: The world!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Passage]
Robin: [PANTS] Now what?
The Doctor: First, a blacksmith's forge.
Robin: So as to remove our chains?
The Doctor: No. So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand. Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains. I don't want to be manacled to you all night.
[ROBIN LAUGHS]
The Doctor: Oh, no. Please, don't do that.
Robin: Ornamental plant stand.
The Doctor: It's not even that funny.
Robin: You're an amusing fellow, Doctor!
The Doctor: Oh, don't! Can you just stop? [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] You'll give yourself a hernia.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Sheriff's]
Clara: So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze pips out of peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by?
Sheriff: Enough questions. I'm impatient to hear your story.
Clara: Oh, but I do not have one. I was lying.
Sheriff: Lying?
Clara: Yeah. People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it.
Sheriff: Oh, that's very clever.
Clara: Thank you.
Sheriff: You'll do very well.
Clara: For what?
Sheriff: Doesn't every king require a consort?
Clara: Right, you do that again and you'll regret that.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Spaceship]
The Doctor: At last. Something real. No more fairy tales.
Robin: What is this place?
The Doctor: A spaceship. More twenty ninth century than twelfth. Data banks, data banks, data banks. Where was this ship headed?
The Doctor: The Promised Land again. [COMPUTER BEEPS] Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a twelfth century castle.
The Doctor: It merges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no one notices. That explains the robot knights. But the engines. The engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence.
Robin: I beg pardon?
The Doctor: I told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you.
Robin: It does?
The Doctor: Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility, and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including Robin Hood.
The Doctor: Isn't it time you came clean with me? You're not real and you know it. Look at you. Perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that. You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights. You're a robot.
Robin: You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?
The Doctor: I dare.
Robin: You false-tongued knave. I should have skewered you when I had the chance.
The Doctor: I would like to see you try.
[LASERS ARE FIRED]
The Doctor: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sheriff: Surrender, outlaw.
The Doctor: Very good.
Sheriff: Kill him. Kill Robin Hood.
The Doctor: You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff.
Clara: Doctor?
The Doctor: He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting.
Clara: We can't just let them kill him!
The Doctor: You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff.
Clara: What the hell are you doing?
Robin: Surviving.
Clara: No!
The Doctor: No! Clara!
[LOUD SPLASH]
Sheriff: Yeah, sorry about the girl. Such a pretty thing. What a queen she would have made.
The Doctor: Stop pretending. You and your fancy robots. I get it. I understand.
Sheriff: Oh, so you too know my plans?
The Doctor: You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth. Gold. [HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS] Gold. Of course. Gold. You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry.
Sheriff: This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised. Soon this skyship will depart. Destination, London. There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptred isle.
The Doctor: It won't work. There's not a chance. I've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!
Sheriff: Shush.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Castle]
Knight (O.C.): Engine capacity at forty eight percent.
[MAN SCREAMS]
Knight (O.C.): Engine capacity at forty eight percent.
The Doctor: It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit.
[PEOPLE WAILING, SMALL EXPLOSION ELECTRICAL PULSING]
The Doctor: That's the engines, building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff.
[HE GRUNTS
The Doctor: Argh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things. [HE PANTS] What are you looking at?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Outlaw's hideout]
Clara: Hi.
Robin: The time for games is over.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Castle]
Girl: I think I understand you. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something.
The Doctor: That's the principle. But he's a moron. If he tries to fly this ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country. What we need is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Outlaw's hideout]
Robin: You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Clara: What is this? Why are you interrogating me?
Robin: And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Castle]
Knight: You are fit for labour. Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed.
The Doctor: I'm afraid you're a little late.
Knight: Explain.
The Doctor: I'm already free!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Sheriff's]
Sheriff: Mine, mine, mine.
Knight: Engine capacity at seventy five percent.
[BEEPING]
Sheriff: 'Sblood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?
[FIST CLANGS ON METAL]
Sheriff: Come.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Castle]
[SCREAMING]
The Doctor: Everyone, the last one!
[THEY CHEER]
The Doctor: Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out. Quickly!
Girl: You've saved us all, clever one.
Girl: Thank you.
Knight: Engine capacity at eighty two percent.
Sheriff: You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?
The Doctor: I rather think you're the revolting one around here. I'm bantering. I'm bantering. Listen to me. You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England.
Sheriff: Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent.
The Doctor: You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history.
Sheriff: I sincerely hope so, or I wouldn't be bothering.
The Doctor: Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
Sheriff: I don't have Clara.
The Doctor: Robin's one of yours.
Sheriff: What did you say?
The Doctor: He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
Sheriff: Robin Hood is not one of mine.
The Doctor: Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
Sheriff: Why would they do that?
The Doctor: To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.
Sheriff: Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
The Doctor: Yes! Yes, it would. Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be. He's not real. He's a legend!
Robin: Too kind! And this legend does not come alone.
Clara: Hiya!
Robin: You all right?
Clara: Hell, yeah.
Robin: Good. My men have taken the castle.
Sheriff: No!
Robin: Now I'm going to take you.
Sheriff: This one's all mine!
[MOTORS WIND DOWN]
Sheriff: What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?
Robin: Oh, yes.
The Doctor: Are you okay?
Clara: Fine, yeah.
The Doctor: Good. We don't have long.
[RUMBLING]
Sheriff: I shall avenge every slight, outlaw.
Clara: Doctor
The Doctor: I know. The whole castle's about to blow.
Sheriff: You have long been a thorn in my side.
Robin: Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you.
Sheriff: I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset.
Robin: Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime.
Sheriff: I'm too much for you, outlaw. The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine.
Sheriff: Never ageing. Never tiring.
Robin: Are you still talking?
Sheriff: Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!
Sheriff: Argh!
[SPLASH!]
Robin: Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?
Clara: That was amazing.
[RUMBLING]
The Doctor: Run! Come on, run!
[CRASHING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Ext. Castle]
The Doctor: It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. Where is it? Where did it go?
Clara: Where did what go?
The Doctor: The golden arrow.
Robin: Tuck!
The Doctor: You took it?
Tuck: Of course we did. We're robbers.
DOCTORY: I love you boys.
Clara: Doctor, what are you suggesting?
The Doctor: Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way.
Robin: No, it has to be you. My arm is injured.
Clara: You're good at this. I saw you. You won the tournament.
The Doctor: I cheated. I made a special arrow with a homing device.
Clara: Oh, brilliant. Right, let me have a go.
The Doctor: You? You do Tae Kwon Do. That's not the same thing as this.
Robin: My friends. Surely we can manage it together?
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Spaceship]
Knight: Engine capacity at eighty three percent. Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity.
Knight: Maximum power surge.
[ALARM BLARES]
Knight: Engines critical. Engines critical. Engines crit...
[SCENE_BREAK]
[Ext. Castle]
Alan: ♪ One awful day in Nottingham, Brave Robin Hood was in a jam. The arrow flew it true... ♪
Will: Give it a rest, Alan.
Alan: Give me my lute!
[THEY LAUGH]
Clara: Still not keen on the laughing thing?
The Doctor: No, no, no, no.
[SHE LAUGHS]
[HE LAUGHS]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[River]
Clara: Woo-hoo! I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty.
Robin: Oh, I know. Whoever he is, he is a very lucky man.
Clara: Marian is very lucky, too.
Robin: I fear not.
Clara: Don't give up. Not ever. Not for one single day.
Clara: Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing.
Robin: Hmm.
Clara: Goodbye, Robin Hood.
Robin: Goodbye, Clara Oswald.
Robin: So, is it true, Doctor?
The Doctor: Is what true?
Robin: That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?
The Doctor: I'm afraid it is.
Robin: Hmm. Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.
The Doctor: I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
Robin: Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear...
The Doctor: No.
Robin: Until one night he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight. Clara told me your stories.
The Doctor: She should not have told you any of that.
Robin: Well. Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think.
The Doctor: I'm not a hero.
Robin: Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be. Ha-ha! Perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end.
Robin: Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
The Doctor: Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
Robin: And remember, Doctor. I'm just as real as you are.
[SCENE_BREAK]
[TARDIS]
Clara: Admit it. You like him.
The Doctor: Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I?
[METALLIC THRUMMING]
[SCENE_BREAK]
[River]
Girl: Robin? I've found you at last.
Robin: Marian? [CHEERING] Thank you. Thank you, Doctor!
Robin: Ha-ha-ha!
[SCENE_BREAK]
What's that in the mirror or the corner of your eye? What's that footstep following... but never passing by? Perhaps they're all just waiting. Perhaps when we're all dead, out they'll come a-slithering from underneath the bed.
[KNOCKING]
Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who wins a duel against Robin Hood by knocking him into a river? A: the outlaw; Q: Who is Robin Hood? A: Robin; Q: Who defeats the Sheriff of Nottingham in a duel? A: Sherwood Forest; Q: Where do the Doctor and Clara meet Robin Hood? A: the target; Q: What does the Doctor blow up in the archery contest? A: the Sheriff's robot knights; Q: Who captures the Doctor, Robin and Clara? A: the Sheriff's plans; Q: What does the Doctor want to learn about the Sheriff? A: a crashed spaceship; Q: What is the Sheriff trying to repair? A: its circuitry; Q: What part of the spaceship does the Sheriff want to repair with gold? A: the countryside's gold; Q: What does the Sheriff intend to use to repair his spaceship? A: the world; Q: What does the Sheriff want to take over? A: the engines; Q: What part of the spaceship would destroy half of England? A: England; Q: What country would be destroyed if the Sheriff's spaceship was able to make orbit? A: a gold vat; Q: Where does Robin knock the Sheriff into? A: Robin's arm; Q: What part of Robin Hood is injured? A: the golden arrow; Q: What do the Doctor, Clara, and Robin fire into the ship? A: a man; Q: What does the Doctor think Robin will be remembered as a legend rather than as? A: Maid Marian; Q: Who does the Doctor find for Robin before he leaves? Summary: The Doctor and Clara meet the outlaw Robin Hood in Sherwood Forest . The Doctor wins a duel against Robin by knocking him into a river. Robin takes part in an archery contest against the Sheriff of Nottingham . The Doctor challenges Robin before blowing up the target. The Doctor allows the Sheriff's robot knights to capture him, Robin and Clara so he can learn more about the Sheriff's plans. The Doctor and Clara discover the Sheriff has been trying to repair a crashed spaceship and intends to repair its circuitry with the countryside's gold, so that he can take over the world. However, there is not enough gold to make orbit, and the damage to the engines would destroy half of England. Robin defeats the Sheriff in a duel by knocking him into a gold vat. Since Robin's arm is injured (and the Doctor cheated during the archery contest), the Doctor, Clara, and Robin work together to fire the golden arrow from the contest into the ship, which then climbs into orbit where it detonates harmlessly. The Doctor admits that Robin will be remembered as a legend rather than as a man, and finds Maid Marian for him before departing.