Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Sherry are sat reading the newspaper on the couch as Daphne enters from her room.
Daphne: Well, I'm off to get our lunch. Any special requests?
Sherry: Oh, no, no, no, anything you pick you will be fine.
Daphne: Okay, then. Back in a bit.
Sherry: She is such a doll. You are such a doll!
Daphne exits.
Sherry: I thought she'd never leave!
Martin: I know. It's nice to have some time alone finally.
Sherry: Oh, isn't it?
Martin: Come here, you.
Martin and Sherry start kissing passionately. Then Eddie runs in and starts licking Sherry's face.
Martin: Hey, get your own. Now, come on now, get away, come on. Come with me, come on, Eddie. [gets up] Come on.
Martin opens the powder room and puts Eddie inside.
Martin: There you go. Seat's already up for you. It's happy hour! [shuts door] Where were we?
Sherry: Oh, come here, you little devil, you.
Martin and Sherry start kissing again but Daphne enters with Niles and Frasier carrying food bags.
Daphne: Well, look who was just coming home with take-out from the gourmet shop.
Martin and Sherry act happy but look at each other annoyed.
Sherry: Boys, hi. Don't you look handsome in your best bib and tucker. Come and give Aunt Sherry a great big kiss!
Niles: Perhaps just a friendly wave from across the room.
Niles waves to her.
Sherry: Niles, you are so shy. Thank God your big brother isn't. Now come on, Fras, plant one on me. [he reluctantly does]
Frasier: [screws his face] Has Eddie been licking you?
Sherry: Yes.
Frasier: Yes, yes, I thought your perfume had a hint of sausage in it.
Sherry: So, you two've been shopping?
Frasier: Well, antiquing actually. I just found the most exquisite Japanese door knocker, it's said to bring peace and tranquility to any home it adorns.
Frasier shows it to her.
Sherry: Oh, I haven't seen any decent oriental knocker since "Emperor Charles's Shanghai revue!"
Martin: [laughs like mad] Isn't she great? She is as funny as she is classy!
Niles: No argument there! Oh, by the way, if you want someone to install that for you, I can put you in touch with my ex- houseman, Guy. [sounds like Ge]
Frasier: Guy?
Niles: No, [same pronunciation] Guy!
Frasier: Guy?
Niles: No, back of the throat, [same pronunciation] Guy.
Frasier: Oh, what's the difference?! Also, heavens, I can install a simple door knocker on my own. [laughs]
Frasier opens the door and puts the knocker up to the door. He stares at it.
Martin: You probably need a screwdriver.
Frasier: That's exactly what I was about to get.
Frasier walks to the center of the room, confused.
Martin: It's in the tool drawer. Frasier, however, still looks around.
Martin: The drawer under that big tea server thing.
Frasier: Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar! My God, how long have you lived here?!
Frasier exits to the kitchen as Daphne enters with the food served up.
Daphne: Here we are. Lunch is ready.
Sherry: Oh, actually, hon, I just remembered I've got an errand I gotta run before I get to work. Goodbye, Niles. [goes to him] Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you, I know it embarrasses you. Wait, come here, you've got some schmutz on your cheek.
Sherry wets her fingers with her tongue and wipes Niles's face with it.
Sherry: My mistake, it's a mole, you might want to have that checked.
Niles: Oh, I think now I'll just play it safe and have it removed.
[wipes off Sherry's spit]
Frasier enters with the screwdriver and notices one of his ornaments on his display shelf.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, you know, apparently this morning when you were dusting, you forgot this object does not face front but rather askew. [turns it]
Daphne: I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane, I should never have tried to do it without that diagram you drew me.
Sherry: Oh, Frasier, now that I know you like antiques, I've got a little present at home for you. It's a lamp, shaped like two frogs kissing and when you turn it on, their hearts glow. When would you like me to bring it by?
Frasier is aghast.
Niles: Preferably when I'm here.
Sherry: I'll bring it with me tomorrow. Bye-bye. [exits with Martin]
Frasier: Daphne, would you bring me the hammer?
Daphne: I thought you just needed a screwdriver for your door knocker.
Frasier: Well, I do, I just want to be prepared for when that froggy lamp gets here.
Meanwhile Martin and Sherry are kissing by the side of the elevator.
Sherry: I'll see you later, honey, I'll call you.
Martin: Okay, bye.
Frasier starts to screw on his knocker as the doors open. An old, frosty woman is standing in the elevator as Sherry steps on.
Martin: Oh, hi there, Mrs. Langer.
Langer: Ms!
Martin: Oh, right, Ms...
The doors shut as Langer tries to see what Frasier is doing.
Martin: Ms...erable cow! [laughs and enters apartment] Niles, tonight's your opera night, isn't it?
Niles: Yes. Why?
Martin: Well, I was just wondering. You know, I'd love to cook a nice romantic dinner for Sherry but I can't do it at her place because I'm allergic to her cats and there is no privacy around here.
Niles: Say no more, Dad. My bachelor pad is the perfect place to entertain a young lady. Just remember, always use coasters, no snacking in the carpeted areas and close the art books after viewing so you don't crease the spine!
Frasier: I think they have the same rules at the "Playboy Mansion."
Frasier finally stands back from his DIY opus.
Frasier: Oh, it's on, that's fast. Huh, that's not so hard. You know, tomorrow morning I think I may just have to attack that leaking sink in the powder room. [closes door]
Daphne starts laughing out loud, and then off his glare:
Daphne: Oh, sorry, I thought that was a joke. We hear the sound of someone using the door knocker.
Frasier: Ah! The inaugural knock.
Frasier opens the door to find a note attached to the knocker. He takes it.
Frasier: Oh, what's this? [reads] "Your unauthorised door knocker violates the condo by-laws regarding hallway decoration. Remove it immediately."
Daphne: Oh, that's one of Mrs. Langer's no-no slips. I can't stand that woman. Just because she's president of the condo board she acts like this building's her kingdom. Everything has to be done exactly the way she likes it.
Frasier: Yes, well, Daphne, nobody hates a bossy fussbudget more than I do but... Daphne, askew, askew! [turns another objet d'art] But, rules are there for reason. I was obviously at fault for not getting approval before I hung it up there.
Niles: I did notice a sign in the lobby about some condo board meeting tonight if you want to present your case.
Frasier: Oh, perfect. We live in a democratic system and I will work within it. I'm sure I can persuade them with my charm and eloquence.
Daphne: I don't know, those people can be very difficult.
Frasier: Oh, pish-tosh! It's not as though I'll be addressing the Supreme Court, I'll simply be talking to the board!
Martin: [aside] Well, they will be by the time he gets though!
Frasier exits.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Condo Board Meeting. A crowd of tenants is gathered listening to Ms. Langer. Langer is sat at the front table with two other members of the board. As Langer speaks, Frasier enters cautiously at the back and sits next to Molly, a resident in a wheelchair.
Langer: After careful consideration of the bids from a number of gardeners, we have decided to go with Jordan landscaping.
Frasier: [to Molly] Excuse me, I'm not too late, am I? I was hoping to make a statement.
Molly: Me too. They will be getting to new business soon, fortunately.
Frasier: Good, good. I have a matter of some importance.
Molly: Oh, well then you should go before me.
Frasier: Oh, well, thank you. Why are you here?
Molly: I'm going to ask them to make the ramp outside the building less steep, so I don't keep rolling into traffic.
Frasier: [guilty] Oh, well, er, perhaps you should go first.
Langer: Is that Frasier Crane talking while I'm talking?
Frasier: Well, yes, I'm sorry, Ms. Langer. I was just inquiring as to whether I was too late to raise some new business.
Langer: Well, we were just about to get to that. Why don't you go ahead?
Frasier: [to Molly] I'll be quick. [stands and speaks] Ah, earlier today, I installed a new door knocker without your permission. Now, I'd like to say in my defense that my over- eagerness was not out of disrespect but rather enthusiasum for the door knocker, which I'm sure you will agree is really quite beautiful. [hands the board members a picture] I understand the rule exists to prohibit people from putting eyesores in public places, but I ask you, should it apply to something as beautiful as this? [hands some pictures out to audience] Here, if you will please. Something, which only serves to elevate our spirits. Let's just say somebody passes by my door, sees the knocker and suddenly feels just a little bit better without even knowing why. That same person passes a perfect stranger and smiles - who in turn... reaches down and picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash; plants a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen? Like little ripples on a still pond, the happiness spreads. What I'm asking to do, think of this not simply as an ornament but rather an opportunity, dare I say it, of knocking on the door of a new, more civilised world. [collects pictures] Thank you.
The audience seem pleased and agreeable.
Langer: Allow us just a moment.
Frasier: Of course.
The board take a couple of seconds to confer.
Langer: Request denied! You must remove the knocker within twenty- four hours, despite the consequences to world peace.
Frasier: I appreciate your...
Langer: Are you still talking? Your request is denied! Sit down!
Frasier: But there has been no discussion, it hasn't even been opened up to the floor.
Langer: I will entertain suggestions from the floor if anyone has any idea how to shut this man up!
Frasier: Forget it! I came down here expecting a fair hearing in the democratic tradition, but here you are: a tyrant more concerned with the exercise of power than with justice! Well, I will leave now taking solace in the certain knowledge that in time, you, Ms. Langer, will join all tyrants on the ash-heap of history!
Frasier exits amid great applause from the audience. A second later, Frasier reenters, embarrassed because he's left his briefcase behind.
Frasier: I'm not here.
He picks up his briefcase and goes to the door. However, all his papers spill out.
Frasier: You know, I'll just get those later.
[SCENE_BREAK]
DEEP EAR, NOSE AND THROAT
Scene Three - Elliot Bay Towers Parking Lot. Frasier pulls his car into his space and gets out. He locks the door. The lot is very dark as he heads to the stairs. However a car pulls up in front of him, blinding him with the headlights. An unknown man gets out of his car and stands in front of the headlights so Frasier can't see him.
Man: Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes. Who's there?
Man: A friend. [Frasier steps forward] Ah, keep your distance.
Frasier: Why can't I see you?
Man: That's not important right now. What's important is that you were not afraid to go up against Ms. Langer last night.
Frasier: Without much success.
Man: More than you know. Those people in the building are afraid of her. There is a group of us who fight her though, a small- but-determined band of resistors. You know the doormat by the service elevator? [Frasier nods] We did that!
Frasier: It's very nice.
Man: We would like you to be our candidate to go up against her in the upcoming elections.
Frasier: Well, I'm very flattered, but you see...
Man: You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. [carried away] She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
Frasier: Of bad water pressure?
Man: No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair. Only you posses the charisma and courage to defeat her.
Frasier: Well, that may be, but, er...
Man: I am not asking you to decide right now. I just want you to say you'll think about it.
Frasier: All right, but why can't I see who you are?
Man: Because I'm remodeling my bathroom! If she found out I was talking to you, she would never approve my bidet. Just think of me as "Mr. X"!
"Mr. X" gets in his car and drives away. Frasier notices the plates on the car that read "DRDORF".
Frasier: That would work better without the vanity plates, Dr. Dorfman!
End of Act One. Act Two.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment Building. It is just after Frasier's surprise meeting. Frasier is at the elevator and presses to go up, but Niles arrives.
Niles: Frasier, wait.
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. [opens doors for him] You know, Niles, the most extraordinary thing just happened to me down at the garage.
Niles and Frasier go up.
Niles: Excuse me... is Dad home now?
Frasier: Yes, as far as I know.
Niles: I was afraid of that.
Frasier: Why? Is something wrong?
Niles: Well, last night I invited Dad to use my apartment for a quiet, romantic dinner with Sherry while I attended "La Traviata." Well, the production was just dreadful. In "Opoir Selor Oui," the soprano couldn't hit the E flat above high C to save her life! I was so fed up I stormed out, drove home, entered my apartment and when I saw what Dad and Sherry were doing there, I hit the note myself!
Frasier: You mean they were...
Niles: They were!
Frasier: Oh! What did you do?
Niles: Pulled up a chaise lounge and took out my opera glasses, what do you think I did? I slammed the door and ran away. I've never been so embarrassed.
Frasier: Oh Niles, you simply have to diffuse the entire subject with simple, adult conversation. I don't want to re-create what happened to Maris and me after the cabin incident when I walked in on her taking a shower. Oh God, months of avoidance and awkwardness.
Niles: [shocked] Excuse me? You saw my Maris completely naked?
Frasier: Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Niles: Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eyefull of Dad!
Frasier: Well, I'd say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!
The elevator stops and the doors open revealing Roz waiting outside Frasier's apartment.
Frasier: Oh Roz, you're here.
Roz: Is that your idea of an apology for making me work on a Saturday and then getting here late?!
Frasier: I was detained.
They enter the apartment.
Frasier: Roz, the most extraordinary thing happened. I was down at the parking garage, when suddenly I was blinded by a set of headlights. A mysterious man crept from the shadows and told me I should run for condo board president.
Roz: You've been at your wine club, haven't you?!
Frasier: No. This really happened.
Niles: Surely you're not actually thinking of running? You've never held an elected office in your life.
Frasier: Are you forgetting I served two terms back in high school as grand panem tandrum of the vocabulary club!
Roz: Listen, Frasier, this job is a nightmare. Trust me, I know. Like if somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
Frasier: Have you served on a condo board?
Roz: No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.
Daphne enters struggling with grocery bags.
Daphne: Hello, all. [they greet her]
Niles: Let me help you with those. [he does]
Daphne: Thanks. I've had to lug these things five blocks. This morning, Mrs. Langer gave me one of those no-no slips for parking in the same vacant space I've been using for years.
Frasier: God, I'm sorry, Daphne, I'm afraid this is my fault. Ms. Langer's simply retaliated against me. You see, last night I rather humiliated her in a dazzling display of rhetoric!
Daphne: I heard you spilled your briefcase all over the floor.
Frasier: You know, this building has a grapevine Ernest & Julio Gallo would envy! You know, perhaps I should run against Ms. Langer. God knows, she's ripe for a good comeuppance!
Daphne: Oh, I know exactly what you mean, Dr. Crane. I was standing behind her in the elevator the other day, looking at the back of her head and I thought, you know, several stout whacks with a tire iron and this building would be a much happier place! I'll just get these bags off to the kitchen.
Daphne exits with the bags.
Niles: Frasier, this Langer woman sounds as if she wields considerable power. What if you run against her and lose?
Roz: I'm with Niles, let somebody else do it.
Frasier: What an appalling expression of apathy. What kind of a world do you think this would be if everyone thought the way you two do? [Niles exits to the kitchen to help Daphne]
Roz: Everyone does think the way we do.
Frasier: And look at the kind of world it is! Corruption in high places, illiterates unconcerned with the real issues because they are too consumed with the same selfish pleasures!
Niles: [enters with an eclair] Is this eclair spoken for?
Frasier: It's mine, put it back! [he does] Where will this all lead? The point is, if you're not willing to get involved then you have no right to grumble when things don't go your way.
Martin enters with Eddie.
Martin: Look at this. I've got two slips for not taking Eddie in the freight elevator. It's ridiculous, everybody uses the main elevator. Mrs. Tortwurst has her dog, Fluffy, in there all the time.
Frasier: [takes slip] Oh, that's it, I am running for condo board president. The time comes in every man's life when he must meet face to face with a challenge, rather than skitter away like a coward.
Martin: Well, I'm proud of you son, that's a way a Crane talks!
Niles then enters from the kitchen and meets Martin. They both start mumbling at each other, completely nervous. Martin runs in the kitchen as Niles runs quickly out the door. Roz looks at Frasier in confusion.
[SCENE_BREAK]
WHAT WE HAVE HERE
IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE
Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. The following day, Daphne is sat reading "Seattle Magazine" in Martin's chair.
Daphne: Okay, Eddie, now.
Eddie is stood on the coffee table. He has a cloth in his mouth and walks back and forth along the table "cleaning" it. Frasier enters and stares.
Daphne: Good boy, Eddie. Now, go make dinner. Eddie trots off to the kitchen as Daphne bursts out laughing.
Daphne: It's just a little joke Eddie and I have been working on.
Frasier: Too bad, it explains so much. [looks at a no-no slip on the side] What is this? Another one?
Daphne: Oh, yes, it seems your father got it last night. I guess he's just refusing to take Eddie in the freight elevator. Of course, all of that will be different once you're elected.
Frasier: Yes, but we don't want to jinx it, Daphne. I must say, I think my chances are very good after this epistle I found this morning on my windshield. It's from the Resistance!
Daphne reads it.
Daphne: [reads] "Dear Dr. Crane, we have polled the building. The election is yours, good work. Signed, Anonymous." But wouldn't this be more anonymous if it didn't say, "from the desk of Dr. William M. Dorfman"?
Frasier: Yes, well, now you see why they need me. With this lead aside, I still wish I had a punchier opening for this speech I wrote this morning. Well, I'm running out of time. Unless, yes... I think Ms. Langer may have given me the very ammunition I need for my opening salvo. We'll just see how the voters feel about a woman who tries to persecute a disabled ex-policeman and his loyal old dog.
Daphne: You know, it will be nice to live a building where anyone can hang whatever they damn well please on their door!
Frasier: Of course! [then] Well, pending my approval.
Frasier exits as Martin cautiously enters.
Martin: Is he gone?
Daphne: Well, yes. You're not avoiding him, are you?
Martin: Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, it's pretty embarrassing about getting caught last night in that hot tub and then the whole building's talking about it.
Daphne: Well, what happened?
Martin: You haven't heard?
Daphne: No.
Martin: Oh! Well... never mind!
Daphne: No, no, no, no, what?
Martin: Well, after dinner last night my hip was getting kinda stiff so I went down to the hot tub. Well, you know how it is when you kick up the jets and your trunks fill up like a hot air balloon.
Daphne: No, but go on.
Martin: Well, there was nobody about so I just slipped out of them and tossed them on the deck.
Daphne: You mean you were...?
Martin: Yeah, just floatin' free. So, I was sitting there minding my own business, you know, and letting the bubbles do their work and suddenly old lady Langer shows up. She sees my trunks and she writes me out a no-no slip right there and then.
Daphne: You mean the no-no slip was for being naked in the hot tub?
Martin: Yeah.
Daphne: Oh, I told Dr. Crane it was because you took Eddie in the elevator. Oh, dear, I've got to get down to that condo meeting.
Martin: Why?
Daphne: Well, I don't know what's going on down there but suddenly I have a very queasy feeling!
Daphne exits a rush.
Martin: Just what Ms. Langer said when she tossed me my trunks.
Scene Three - Condo Board Meeting. The building is gathered, including Frasier, as Langer finishes her speech.
Langer: So, you can vote for me - a person who has worked this past year to keep this building running smoothly - or you can turn the building over to a man who can scarcely keep his own family under control. Thank you.
She sits to a polite applause.
Frasier: [stands] Hello, condo owners. I'm sorry my opponent has chosen to be vindictive about my family, but that is merely characteristic of her behaviour during her entire term in office. How else would one explain this? [brings out no-no slip] This citation my father received last night is a perfect example of the prejudice that this woman is capable of.
Langer: We are all aware of your father's behaviour last night. I'm surprised you're not too afraid to bring it up.
Frasier: Ashamed? Not at all! I defend his behaviour! So he had his little friend out where he shouldn't be. So what? He's been doing it for years!
Langer: You approve of his behaviour?
Frasier: Approve? I applaud it! Have you no compassion? My father is getting older, hasn't many pleasures left in life. I can't tell you the hours of joy that that little guy has brought him! And not just him. Who among us can't help but break into a smile upon seeing the little fella? Oh, I know, you know, sometimes it is irksome when his little Eddie appears at any inopportune moments, but...
Langer: He's named it Eddie?
Frasier: Well, "Eddie"'s, of course, not a name I might have chose. I might have gone with something a bit more - oh, I don't know, whimsical like, er, oh... Puck!
The audience is really shocked by now. Frasier misinterprets this.
Frasier: You know, the clodsom sprite from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Don't look so shocked! Whom does it really harm if he unleashes Eddie once in a while? Come on, it's not as though he's alone in this beheviour. Mrs. Tortwurst, I've seen you do the same thing many times with your Fluffy. [she is shocked] You know, if you ask me, not only is this behaviour harmless, it's laudable. Why, you should see the looks on the faces of the schoolchildren when he takes Eddie out to the playground.
Daphne enters amid all this confusion and whispers sharply in Frasier's ear. Frasier takes some time to sink in the information.
Frasier: On the other hand... we all need rules. [turns to Daphne] Go! Go! Go!
Daphne and Frasier run out, Frasier peers round the door.
Frasier: Oh, and sorry about the knocker. Frasier exits, leaving everyone confused. End of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
We see the view from the back of the elevator. The doors open revealing Ms. Langer who steps inside. She waits for the elevator to come to a halt. We then see a baguette hover above Ms. Langer's head, ready to strike. The elevator is then shown from a different angle, it seems Daphne is the one who is holding the bread stick. Ms. Langer looks round at her as Daphne quickly covers her actions by taking a bite of the french bread. Ms. Langer finally leaves the elevator allowing Daphne to stick the bread stick in her bag almost like an Avenger with her gun.
Plan: A: a new antique Japanese door knocker; Q: What does Frasier have that he claims brings peace and tranquility to any home it adorns? A: an angry note; Q: What does Ms. Langer send to Frasier after he installs his new door knocker? A: Ms. Langer; Q: Who is the chair of the condo board? A: the knocker; Q: What did Ms. Langer claim violated hallway decoration rules? A: a rhetorical manner; Q: How does Frasier try to raise the issue of the door knocker at the condo board meeting? A: the request; Q: What did Ms. Langer dismiss so abruptly that Frasier loses his temper? A: his temper; Q: What does Frasier lose when Ms. Langer dismisses his request? A: a tyrant; Q: What does Frasier call Ms. Langer? A: the applause; Q: What did the other residents give when Frasier stormed out of the condo board meeting? A: Elliot Bay Towers; Q: Where is the unlit car park of the building where Frasier is approached by a mysterious figure? A: a secretive figure; Q: Who wants Frasier to run for president? A: presidential candidate; Q: What position does the mysterious figure want Frasier to run for? A: Martin; Q: Who is the neighbor who receives angry notes from Ms. Langer? A: angry notes; Q: What do Martin and Daphne start receiving? Summary: Frasier has a new antique Japanese door knocker , which he claims "is said to bring peace and tranquility to any home it adorns". Minutes after he fixes it to his front door, he receives an angry note from Ms. Langer, the chair of the condo board, claiming that the knocker violates rules of hallway decoration. He decides to raise the issue in a rhetorical manner at the next condo board meeting, but Ms. Langer dismisses the request so abruptly that Frasier loses his temper, calls her a tyrant and storms out, to the applause of the other residents. Soon afterwards, Frasier is approached in the unlit car park of Elliot Bay Towers by a secretive figure, who wants him to stand as presidential candidate against Ms. Langer, for the good of the other residents. He is initially reluctant, but then Martin and Daphne start receiving angry notes as well, and Frasier decides it is time to take action.