At Emma's house
Spike: You guys are on your own for breakfast.
Emma: And lunch and supper and every meal after that.
Spike: We count on you Em. I count on you.
Emma: And what a super job I'm doing.
Spike: You are. Look I gotta go or I'll be late getting Jack to daycare.
Emma: Snake called again.
Spike: How nice for him.
(Spike leaves and Manny walks upstairs.)
Manny: I am so fat!
Emma: Don't even talk about fat. I'm the fat one in this house. All this fast food, no wonder I've gained all this weight.
Manny: Tell me about it. I have a meeting with Bernice Fein on Friday and I can't even fit into my lucky jeans!
Emma: 'Dump the lumps' Bernice Fein, as in the agent from hell?
Manny: If she's Satan, then that explains why she's best agent in town. She called because she saw me in the Kevin Smith movie. Wants to audition me again. Crisis down here!
(Manny's on the floor trying to get her jeans on.)
Emma: Look around you. Crisis is actually an epidemic.
Manny: My thighs are an epidemic and they're taking over the world.
Emma: We are going to take control. I am going to take control.
In Mr. Armstrong's class
Emma: Manny!
(She shows Manny a chart she made.)
Manny: Pie charts? We've done pie charts every year since grade 4.
Emma: It's a chore wheel.
Manny: Okay does it have laundry on it because I'm out of underwear and this commando chafing is killing me!
Mr. Armstrong: Not up to your usual standard.
(Emma looks at the test and it has a big C on it.)
Emma: Okay Manny you are on laundry. I'm on homework and exercise and grocery shopping and cleaning and mom management.
Manny: That should burn a few calories.
Emma: I sincerely hope so.
Manny: You're a stick and you're insane.
At Emma's house
Emma: Mom I'm home!
Manny: She's working late.
(Manny is sitting with Jack and eating chips.)
Emma: What are you doing?
Manny: Baby pedicure.
Emma: Do you know how much fat is in one chip? I brought you celery. Celery has negative calories because you burn calories while you're chewing...and this!
(She gives Manny a notebook.)
Manny: I'm not eating paper, no matter how many calories it burns.
Emma: It's a diet diary. We write down every morsel that goes into our mouths.
Manny: Great. More homework.
Emma: Do you want to get this agent? Think of it as fun. Think of it as a challenge.
Manny: Woo hoo. Let the fun begin!
At Joey's house, Mr. Simpson is doing karaoke
Mr. Simpson: (Singing) 'Cause you ain't seen nothing yet! B-b-b-baby no you ain't seen nothing yet!
Joey: With a voice like that, it's no wonder the Zits never went anywhere.
Mr. Simpson and Diane: Oh!
Diane: I overheard him sing in the shower Snake, and the pot should really stop calling the kettle black.
Joey: Saucy, but a keeper.
(They start kissing.)
Mr. Simpson: Alright. Let's keep this party going. I've got just the number. It's a classic little ditty I like to call Rock the Casbah!
Joey: Oy, kick it mate!
(Mr. Simpson puts on the song, but a slow one comes on instead.)
Mr. Simpson: What? I didn't...that's Sometimes When We Touch.
Joey: Abort, abort.
Diane: Hey what's wrong?
Mr. Simpson: It's our song.
(Joey gets up to change it.)
Joey: Stupid machine. I'm sorry Snake. Buttons get mixed up sometimes.
Mr. Simpson: It's just that uh I miss her so bad, you know? I miss my family.
In the cafeteria
Emma: Total calories, 110. Total grams of fat, 2.
Manny: Total flavour, it's zero. How am I supposed to do math when I'm starving?!
Emma: I think my stomach is digesting itself, but we are not feeling hungry. We are feeling light.
Manny: As in L-I-T-E.
Emma: Okay you need to jog one mile at 6 miles an hour to burn off 110 calories.
Manny: Okay I'm going to get a diet pop and pretend it's a milkshake.
(Manny backs her chair into Paige.)
Paige: Ow! Uh twigs and berries? You girls practicing to be on Survivor?
Emma: It's called a diet.
Paige: Hmm totally wishing I had your willpower. When bathing suit season comes around, prepare to be hated by a jealous me.
Manny: Suddenly I'm stuffed. When are we running that mile, or 5?
Outside, Emma and Manny are jogging and Emma is laughing
Manny: What's so funny?
Emma: Nothing. I just feel all floaty.
Manny: Me too. Is that good?
Mr. Simpson: Someone want to tell me the punch line?
Manny: See you inside.
(Emma feels faint and puts her arms down to catch herself.)
Mr. Simpson: Woah. Emma. You okay? You got the newborn colt legs going.
Emma: We're training for cross country.
Mr. Simpson: Oh! Wow that's, that's great. I had no idea.
Emma: Yeah. The things you miss when you leave your family.
(He starts to leave, but Emma walks over to him.)
Emma: So how are things at Joey's?
Mr. Simpson: Good. Okay. Not too bad. Terrible actually. I miss you guys.
Emma: Have you tried telling mom that?
Mr. Simpson: Oh I would, but that would involve her actually returning my phone calls.
Emma: So why don't you tell her in person? Come over tonight.
Mr. Simpson: Think your mom would like that?
Emma: Maybe if you made us dinner like you used to.
Mr. Simpson: Emma.
(He kisses her cheek.)
Mr. Simpson: You are a genius.
At Emma's house, Emma and Manny are cleaning up everything
Spike: Well this I could get used to. What's the uh, what's the occasion?
Emma: You have a surprise guest for dinner. A guest chef actually. Snake.
Spike: Emma tell me you didn't!
Emma: What? I thought you might like a nice home-cooked meal for once.
(There's a knock at the door.)
Manny: I'll get it.
Mr. Simpson: Da, da, da, da! One order of veggie moussaka. Emma's ooey gooey favourite.
Emma: Actually um Manny and I are gonna go for a walk.
Spike: No girls! Stay. Why don't you two set the table?
(They go to set the table.)
Emma: Oh my god, Ricotta.
Manny: Cream and butter and everything else that I see in my dreams.
Emma: We haven't starved for two days just to ruin it in ten minutes of gluttony.
Manny: So what do we do?
Emma: We sit at the table with mom and Archie and try and make them happy and the food we just push around your plates.
Mr. Simpson: Kitchen faucet's still leaking, huh? I should get my wrench.
Spike: It's fine Archie.
Mr. Simpson: Do you know how much water you're wasting? My wrench is downstairs.
Spike: Just leave it! Please.
Manny: This moussaka is amazing.
Mr. Simpson: Emma I haven't seen you touch yours.
Emma: Sure you have. Your cooking is something we've really missed around here.
Mr. Simpson: Well I miss cooking for you guys. I miss a lot of things. Sitting here at this table, I realize that this is where I belong and I never should have left.
Spike: You didn't leave Snake. I kicked you out. Remember?
Mr. Simpson: It's been long enough Spike. Can I...? I think I learned my lesson. I'm ready to come home.
Spike: Oh and that's your decision to make?
Mr. Simpson: No it's our decision, but yes I have a say in it.
Spike: You had your say and it involved another woman. Girls I think you need to go to your room.
(Emma and Manny go downstairs, but can still hear the argument upstairs.
Mr. Simpson: Spike I came over here with a peace offering and this is what I get?!
Spike: You think a pan of moussaka is gonna make everything better?
Mr. Simpson: No I don't. I thought maybe we could try to be civilized...
(They keep arguing.)
Emma: Fighting. Only fighting.
Manny: Fighting's a start, right? It's better than not talking at all.
Emma: I guess. I just wish I knew how it was gonna turn out. I hate not knowing what's gonna happen.
Manny: I'll tell you what's going to happen. I am going to explode from all that ooey gooey moussaka.
Emma: I wish I would explode. We could try and run it off. It'll only take, oh 6 hours.
Manny: If I move, I'll barf. It can't be healthy to be this full.
Emma: We could get rid of it.
Manny: Like how, puking? Isn't that kind of extreme?
Emma: Desperate times call for desperate purging.
Manny: It's not called purging. It's called bulimia.
Emma: Don't be so dramatic. These are special circumstances. You will feel better Manny. Come on. Come on.
(They go to the bathroom and Manny shuts the door.)
In the girl's locker room
Emma: Now for the moment of truth.
Manny: Could I go to the bathroom first? That's got to be half a pound.
(Manny steps on the scale.)
Manny: Em! I lost 3 pounds! 3 pounds in 4 days.
(Manny gets off and Emma steps on the scale.)
Manny: (Singing) I lost 3 pounds, 3 pounds, 3 pounds!
Emma: 4 pounds! I lost 4 pounds.
Manny: Em you are officially my lifestyle guru, like Bob on Oprah!
Emma: Okay so if we restrain ourselves today and work out after school, we might be up to 5 pounds by tomorrow.
Manny: Uh no, no, no. There's a butter tart in the caf with my name on it.
Emma: Manny no. If we're happy with less than our goal we're only disappointing ourselves. You've got an agent to impress. This is serious.
Manny: Okay Bob.
A montage starts with the girls measuring their waists
(They are shown running outside, eating in the cafeteria and dropping their carrots to go throw up one at a time while the other waits outside, and Manny is wearing her lucky jeans smiling.)
[SCENE_BREAK]
At Joey's house
Joey: Okay I got it. Change her oil.
Mr. Simpson: Are you serious? You really think doing an oil change on Spike's car is gonna win her back?
Joey: Snake I'm spitballing here, okay? Work with me buddy.
Mr. Simpson: Okay. Uh the roof's a mess. I could help redo it.
Joey: Yes and you can get all hot and sweaty while you're doing it. Chicks dig that. Sexy Snake. Snake the sexy roofer. I like it.
Diane: Come on. Women don't want an episode of 'This Old House'. They want a little romance. They want to know they're special. Spike is special to you, right? So prove it. Show her what's in your heart.
Mr. Simpson: I don't know that Spike's that interested what's in my heart right now.
Diane: She will be. Trust me. Just remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place. Woo her! In the cafeteria, Manny is watching the pizza spin around on the tray
Manny: Please stop saying my name! Stop. Manny. Manny. At Manny's locker, Manny's head is in her locker while she eats her pizza
Emma: What are you doing?
Manny: Um a little known fact is that pepperoni wedges are good in stress(?).
Emma: That's a lie.
Manny: Okay I'm just plain, naked hungry!
Emma: Hunger is a feeling Manny. Thin is a skill. Damage control time.
Manny: No!
(Emma throws the pizza slice away and brings Manny to the bathroom.)
Emma: I'll cover for you.
Manny: My jeans still fit general!
Emma: Manny your body is a reflection of you. The agent is going to see that you're undisciplined.
Manny: The agent is going to see that I have energy and rosy cheeks and that I don't have puke breath.
Emma: This is so typical Manny. Give up when the going gets tough.
Manny: It's one slice of pizza Em!
Emma: It's fat and starch and grease. Why not just pour poison down your throat?
Manny: Okay. There's just a little too much crazy in here.
(Manny leaves and Emma walks out of the bathroom, then passes out in the hall.)
Ms. Hatzilakos: Emma. Can you hear me? Emma! Maybe you should just sit still.
Emma: No I'm just dizzy I think. I think it's the flu or something.
Ms. Hatzilakos: Woah, woah, woah. Did you eat today?
Emma: Yes.
Ms. Hatzilakos: What did you eat Emma? Emma. It's okay. You can talk to me. I'm here for you.
Emma: That's funny.
At the mall
(Mr. Simpson walks up to Spike holding flowers and wearing a tuxedo.)
Mr. Simpson: The girls at the salon told me you were on break.
Spike: Are you selling roses in restaurants? What's with the penguin suit?
Mr. Simpson: I was wearing a t-shirt on our wedding day and I wanted to make sure I did this right. Spike you are my everything and if you let me come home I'll be worthy of you this time because you deserve everything. You're beautiful.
Spike: You hurt me.
Mr. Simpson: I know.
Spike: No. You don't really know. I loved you since I was sixteen. You were the one guy I thought was good. The one guy I was sure I could count on.
Mr. Simpson: Count on me now because I love you. I will never give up until you take me back.
(She hands the flowers back and he starts singing.)
Mr. Simpson: (Singing) You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply. I'd rather hurt you honestly, than mislead you with a lie and sometimes when we touch the honesty's too much and I have to close my eyes and hide. I wanna hold you...
(Spike covers his mouth.)
Spike: Okay! Two conditions.
Mr. Simpson: Done.
Spike: No kissing anyone, but me ever again and no singing ever again.
(They start kissing and everyone around them starts cheering.)
At Emma's, Emma is cutting up pictures of models in magazines
Emma: How'd the audition go?
Manny: She said I have moxie.
Emma: Which means?
Manny: I have an agent!
Emma: I am so happy for you.
Manny: And I am so worried about you. I heard you fainted and these dismembered models are disturbing.
Emma: It's inspiration for when I want to lose a pound.
Manny: Okay, but you lost like 7. You're starting to scare me.
Emma: I'm gross Manny. I look disgusting.
Manny: When was the last time you ate?
Emma: A couple of days ago. I feel good.
Manny: But you look sick and the way you're talking you might be sick.
Emma: Okay Snake's bringing his special lasagna over tonight. I'll eat some.
Manny: He's coming back?! That's the juice and I am all over that lasagne.
Emma: May this diet rest in peace.
Manny: Good, because I need you healthy Emma. You're more than just my lifestyle guru you know.
(They hug.)
At dinner
Mr. Simpson: Everyone! Cheers to my amazing family!
(They all give cheers and clink glasses.)
Mr. Simpson: Oh wait, wait, wait. Actually I have an announcement to make.
Emma: Are you guys gonna finally stop calling each other by your high school nicknames?
Mr. Simpson: Not a bad idea, but no! Uh as you all know I still have a motorcycle fund, which I would like to use not to buy another motorcycle with, but to take us all to the shopping capital of the world: New York City!
Spike: New York? Are you sure?
Mr. Simpson: I've done all the boring, practical math and we're going baby.
Spike: Alright!
Manny: Wait who's included in 'we'?
Mr. Simpson: Well um you are part of the Nelson/Simpson clan, are you not?
Manny: I love you! I love you guys! How many empty suitcases can I bring?
Mr. Simpson: Oh, wow hey.
Emma: Okay this is, this is beyond anything. It actually might be one of those moments so I'm going to get the camera.
Mr. Simpson: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! Cheers guys!
Spike: Cheers!
Manny: Cheers!
Mr. Simpson: Woo hoo!
(Emma leaves the room and throws up her food.)
Scenes for next week
Manny: (To the camera) Emma's my best friend in the world, but she's out of control.
Manny: I found your food diary.
Emma: Give that back!
Manny: I bet Spike would love to read this.
Emma: No!
Voiceover: Sometimes doing the right thing...
Emma: You're supposed to be my friend Manny! I can't even trust you!
Manny: I am! That's why I'm trying to help you!
(Emma is crying hysterically and faints suddenly.)
Mr. Simpson: Woah Emma!
Voiceover: ...isn't enough.
Mr. Simpson: Peter call 911!
Plan: A: Emma; Q: Who is losing control of her life? A: complete chaos; Q: What is Emma's life in? A: her solution; Q: What does Emma find when she and Manny go on a strict diet regime? A: junk food; Q: What food does Emma cut off? A: Joey; Q: Snake is tired of living with who? A: an attempt; Q: What does Snake make to reconcile with Spike? Summary: Emma's life is in complete chaos as she feels she is losing all control. She soon finds her solution when she and Manny go on a strict diet regime, which includes cutting off junk food, exercising, and purging. Meanwhile, tired of living with Joey, Snake makes an attempt to reconcile with Spike.