Narrator: Previously, on "Childrens Hospital"...
Blake: Dori, that was a little intimate.
Dori: Oh, I don't think I'll get pregnant from that.
Blake: Let me guess. You're pregnant.
Dori: Yeah. I'm sorry.
Sy: We are going to oversee the opening of a clinic on a U.S. army base in Japan.
Owen: No!
Dori: What? That is so complicated.
Glenn: Do you remember Detective Chance Briggs, Owen's former partner on the police force?
Cat: Uh, I think so. What, he has brown hair and a mustache?
Briggs: Anybody up for a mustache contest? I win.
Cat: What about him?
Glenn: I don't know. Just something to keep in mind, I guess.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
5.02 - Triangles
Sal: Attention! Staff, that is all.
Owen: Hey, Dori. Where you headed?
Dori: Oh, I'm taking Willy into the city. He's never had soup noodles.
Owen: Oh. Well, Osaka is a very dangerous town. I could be your escort. Who knows? We might even enjoy each other's company. I've been told I make a pretty great escort, like the Ford Motor Corporation.
Dori: The Escort was discontinued in 2003.
Owen: Right. Got me good. [ Chuckles ] You are so smart.
Dori: Blake! Um, I'm taking our son into the city. Did you get my e-mail?
Blake: Uh, I don't know. I don't really open e-mails from people like you. I mean, I'm a doctor. You get it.
Dori: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Owen: Love those bangs.
Dori: Oh.
Blake: Hey, listen. Um, here's 30,000 yen. I mean, buy him a taco or something, okay.
Willy: Want to come into the city with us, Mr. Dad?
Blake: Well, I would, because we're technically family, but, I mean, you get it.
Dori: Come on, honey.
Blake: Hmm. Na.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Willy: I have to pee.
Dori: Sounds like someone has to go pee.
Let's go.
Willy: I can go by myself.
Dori: Okay, honey. Just be careful. And remember to tap your pee-pee!
Willy: I pre-tapped it!
Dori: Okay.
Willy: [ Whistling ]
[ Door opens ]
[ Men arguing in Japanese ]
[ Gasps ]
Dori: But, officer...
Dori: I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're saying.
Engel: Maybe I can be of some assistance here.
My name is Detective Chuck Engel. My partner and I are here as part of an international cop exchange program.
Dori: Partner? I don't see any partner.
Briggs: That's because you weren't looking in this direction. If we're gonna catch those mean man, we need to know exactly what you saw.
Willy: [ Gulps ]
Briggs: My word. That's urine. Pure. Son, those men... are they the murderers or are you just peeing in your pants because you pee in your pants?
Willy: I've had a lot of sports drinks today, but in this case, murderers.
[ Beep ]
[ Telephone rings ]
Kaiju: Police Chief Kaiju.
Briggs: Chief Kaiju. It's Briggs.
I know who did it. It's Gojira and Mosura. The kid took one look at 'em and peed in his pants.
Kaiju: Uh, did my name come up?
Briggs: No. Why?
Kaiju: I just want to make sure I wasn't under suspicion in any way.
Briggs: No. Like, why would you even ask that?
Kaiju: Forget I mentioned it. Hey, Briggs someone's at the door. Will you hold on a sec?
[ Dialing ]
[ Ringing ]
[ Cellphone rings ]
[ Speaking Japanese ]
Kaiju: Briggs, I'm back. Wrong number.
Briggs: Chief, while I was on hold with you, Gojira and Mosura got a phone call and then ran off.
Briggs: Kinda weird, huh?
Kaiju: Yes and no.
What about you, Briggs? Where do you live? What's your exact address?
Briggs: I live at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Get your stuff! We're getting out of here now!
Engel: Wait! Damn it, Briggs! What the hell is going on?
Briggs: I need to disappear. Watch your back, partner.
Engel: Wait, did you say, "Watch your black partner?" How am I suppose to respond to that?
Briggs: No, I said, "Watch your back, partner," although I can definitely see how it sounded like "black" to you.
Engel: No, that's a funny misunderstanding. Especially considering you do have a black partner.
Briggs: Right. Absolutely. [ Chuckles ]
Engel: I don't think I can operate without you, Briggs.
Briggs: Try, Engel.
Engel: No, I'm serious...
Briggs: I said try, Engel. Come on.
Owen: Dori! You're back! I was worried sick about you!
Briggs: Don't worry. She's safe in my capable yet calloused hands.
Owen: Detective Chance Briggs. You plus-sized woman's panty set! What's my old partner doing here?
[ Both chuckle ]
Briggs: Put 'er there.
Dori: You guys were cops together?
Owen: Yeah, and we went to the same college.
Who would have thought a couple of Oberlin grads would end up carrying badges? So what are you doing here, old boy?
Briggs: Well, let's just say that I need a place to hide.
Both: "That I need a place to hide."
Owen: But surely you can't be serious.
Briggs: I am serious... And don't ever question my seriousness.
Dori: Please, Dr. Maestro. If they find Willy, they'll kill him, too.
Briggs: What do you say, old friend? Help us out?
Owen: Well, you're gonna need a disguise. Come with me. Congratulations, Private Briggs! You're in the United States army now.
Briggs: All right.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Kaiju: Where's Briggs? 'Cause there's no such place as 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Lick My Butthole Lane ends at 426 then skips right to the 700s after Central Boulevard. It's a sham address.
Engel: Look, I told you. He didn't tell me anything.
Kaiju: Watch your back.
Engel: Did you say, "Watch your black"? What's that supposed to mean?
Kaiju: I said, "back." I've just got kind of a wonky accent, so it sounded like I said "black", but I said "back."
Engel: I gotcha. I gotcha.
[ Radio tuning ]
[ Slow music plays ]
[ Door opens ]
Dori: Hi.
Briggs: Hi.
Dori: I brought you a piece of pie and some Doritos and two slices of watermelon.
Briggs: Triangle-shaped foods. My favorite.
Dori: Thank you, Detective Briggs, for all that you've done for us.
Folks usually aren't so nice to me and Willy.
Broadcaster: Here's an oldie for all you lovers out there.
Dori: Oh, I love this song! I watched Owen lose his virginity to this song at Oberlin.
Dori: Cool.
Briggs: Can you just keep it down for a second?
Dori: Yeah. Sorry. Sorry.
Briggs: Would you to care to dance, my lady?
Dori: I would love to.
Briggs: Can you feel it? My erection?
Dori: I haven't had a man in so long. Take me! Take all of me!
Briggs: Chance Briggs!
Dori: Yeah! Chance!
Briggs: Shh!
Dori: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Briggs: Chance Briggs!
Sal: Attention staff, Chance Briggs. That is all.
[ Ringing ]
Kaiju: Moshi moshi.
Owen: Yes, I have some information on the whereabouts of Detective Chance Briggs that you may be very interested in.
Willy: Mommy, I heard weird noises last night.
Is everything okay?
Briggs: Your mom and I were making love, son.
Willy: What does "making love" mean?
Dori: Umm, it's... it's kind of hard to explain, honey.
Briggs: Our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces.
Dori: You know when mommy tries to put a Pringles can down the disposal?
Willy: I don't understand.
Briggs: It's like when a man puts his pen1s inside a woman's v*g1n* a bunch of times in a row.
Willy: You did that to my mommy?
Briggs: Damn right I did.
Willy: Wow. I regret asking.
[ Grunts ]
Dori: [ Screams ]
Briggs: Owen!
Dori: No, no, no!
Owen: What the heck was that all about?
Dori: The killers found Briggs! You have to help him, please!
Owen: Oh, you're trembling. You look so cold.
Dori: I'm so scared!
Oh, thank you so much. Okay.
Owen: This feels so right, doesn't it?
Dori: What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Owen: Hey, guys. Guys, wait up! Look, Mosura, I just talked to Chief Kaiju, and he needs to talk to you right away. So I'll watch the prisoner.
Owen: He's at 465 Lick My Butthole Lane. Hai!
Briggs: Whew. Got ourselves out of another jam, huh, partner?
Owen: Yeah.
Dori: [ Screaming ]
Briggs: Oh, wait. No, this is still going.
Engel: No, you're not!
Briggs: Don't worry. You did really great, for a black guy.
Engel: What'd you say? Forget about it. I just heard you wrong.
Dori: [ Chuckles ]
Willy: Mommy! Help me!
Dori: Oh, right. My son, this whole thing.
Kaiju: I'm gonna kill him!
Blake: No, you're not! Let him go.
Kaiju: Why should I?
Blake: Because he's the only family I've got.
[ Gunshot ]
Briggs: Well, I guess I should be going now.
You're not going anywhere, Briggs. You're in the army now. We're shipping out to Kandahar.
Briggs: But I was just hiding! We're all hiding from something, private.
♪ Get me out of this place ♪ ♪ I am a man ♪ ♪ get this blood off my face ♪ ♪ let me live again ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na naaaaaaa ♪ ♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na na-na na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na naaaaaa ♪ ♪ na na-na na ♪ ♪ na-na na na-na na na na ♪
Sal: Attention, staff. If you are under 30, "witness" came out before you were born. That is all.
Plan: A: Blake; Q: Whose son witnesses a murder? A: Blake's son; Q: Who is Willy? A: Chance Briggs; Q: Who is the detective who saves Blake's son? A: the day; Q: What does Chance Briggs save? A: a lot; Q: How much sex does Chance Briggs have? Summary: Blake's son Willy witnesses a murder and it's up to detective Chance Briggs to save the day and also have a lot of sex.