Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by Mikael Hedberg [mhe0422@oden.skelleftea.se] or [90218582482bb@bibl.skelleftea.se].
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.]
MONICA: Tell him.
RACHEL: No.
PHOEBE: Tell him, tell him.
MONICA: Just...please tell him.
RACHEL: Shut up!
CHANDLER: Tell me what?
MONICA: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
CHANDLER: [sarcastically] Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women wonīt look at me.
RACHEL: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...
PHOEBE: Doing it on this table. [points at the table]
CHANDLER: Wow!
JOEY: Exellent dream score.
ROSS: Why, why, why would you dream that?
CHANDLER: More importantly, was I any good?
RACHEL: Well, you were pretty damnedy good.
CHANDLER: Interesting, cause in my dreams, Iīm allways surprisingly inadequate. [Monica pats him on his lap]
RACHEL: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
ROSS: I love it, when we share.
[Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.]
CHANDLER: Youīre okay there?
ROSS: I canīt belive you two had s*x in her dream.
CHANDLER: Iīm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody elseīs subconscious.
OPENING CREDITS
[Time lapse. Chandler is sitting on the table.]
CHANDLER: Hi Rachel.
RACHEL: Get off.
PHOEBE: [points at Joeyīs pen] Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
JOEY: I donīt know. What are you wearing?
[Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him]
ROSS: Phoebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?
PHOEBE: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
CHANDLER: Pirates again?
PHOEBE: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop". And they are.
JOEY: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.
CHANDLER: [sarcasticly] Thanks Joey, thatīs a good idea.
PHOEBE: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
CHANDLER: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. Itīs a whole big boob story.
PHOEBE: I could be a secretary.
CHANDLER: Well, you know Phoebs. I donīt know if itīs your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.
PHOEBE: I could do that.
[Rossīs beeper goes off]
RACHEL: What are you playing with?
ROSS: Oh, itīs my new beeper.
JOEY: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?
MONICA: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, theyīre still extinct.'
ROSS: No, itīs for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.
CHANDLER: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.
MONICA: All right, Iīll see you guys later. [raises]
RACHEL: Off to see young Ethan?
MONICA: Thank you.
JOEY: How young is young Ethan? Young?
MONICA: Heīs... our age.
CHANDLER: When we were?
MONICA: Okay, heīs a senior in college.
ROSS: College?
JOEY: Whoa!
CHANDLER: And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
MONICA: No, of course not. Itīs not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
ALL: What?
MONICA: Oh, I canīt pass for 22?
PHOEBE: Well, maybe 25-26.
MONICA: I am 26.
PHOEBE: There you go.
[Scene: Chandlerīs office. He and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]
CHANDLER: Can you hear that?
PHOEBE: [plays with a thumbtack remover] Yeah?
CHANDLER: See Thatīll stop when you pick up the phone.
PHOEBE: Oh. Uh, Iīm on. [picks up the phone]
PHOEBE: [with a deep voice] Mr. Bingīs office. No Iīm sorry, heīs in a meeting right now.
CHANDLER: Iīm not in a meeting. Iīm right... Whoops.
PHOEBE: Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, Iīll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
CHANDLER: What?
PHOEBE: Ross says hi.
CHANDLER: Ah!
PHOEBE: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
CHANDLER: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.
PHOEBE: Most likely. [raises and goes toward the door] Okay, Iīm gonna be out there.
CHANDLER: Okay.
PHOEBE: All right. Bye bye.
CHANDLER: Bye bye.
[The intercom buzzes]
PHOEBE: Whatcha doinī?
CHANDLER: Ooh. [leans against the desk]
[Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Itīs just them there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]
MONICA: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, beltīs to tight, gotta change the belt. Did i turn the fish? [goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner] No, cause I made lasagne. Am I out of control?
RACHEL: Just a touch. Mon, I donīt understand. I mean, youīve been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.
MONICA: What?
RACHEL: Could tonight be the Night?
MONICA: I donīt know. Look heīs a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You donīt plan these things.
RACHEL: So, did you shave your legs?
MONICA: Yeah.
RACHEL: Aha!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]
JOEY: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesnīt mean...
[Rossīs beeper goes off]
ROSS: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god itīs baby time. Baby time.
JOEY: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.
[Ross dials a number on his cellular phone]
ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. [pause] No, André is not here. [to Joey] Third time today. [on phone] Yes, Iīm sure... No, sir. I donīt perform those kind of services.
JOEY: Services? Oh, services.
ROSS: [on phone] Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, thatīs right. Thatīs right, JUMBO with a U, sir. [pause] No, belive me, you donīt want me. Judging by his number, Iīd be a huge disappointment. [pause] All rightie, bye bye.
[Phoebe and Chandler enters]
JOEY: Hey, hey. How was the first day?
PHOEBE: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
CHANDLER: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. [Joey and Ross wonder what he means] Me.
PHOEBE: No, I didnīt tell anybody that I knew you.
CHANDLER: Why not?
PHOEBE: Oh, because, you know... they donīt like you.
CHANDLER: What?
PHOEBE: I thought you knew that.
CHANDLER: Noho. Why doesnīt they like me?
PHOEBE: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
CHANDLER: What are you talking about?
PHOEBE: Donīt feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now youīre like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
[Joey and Ross laughs]
CHANDLER: I canīt belive it.
PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
CHANDLER: They do me?
PHOEBE: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'
[Joey and Ross laughs]
CHANDLER: I donīt sound like that.
ROSS: Oh, oh Chandler...
JOEY: Oh... Yeah, you do.
ROSS: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]
JOEY: [reaches for hi scones] My scones.
PHOEBE, JOEY & ROSS: 'My scones.'
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again]
CHANDLER: Okay, I donīt sound like that. That is so not true.
[Joey and Chandler laughs]
CHANDLER: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]
[Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Monica and Ethan are sitting in the couch.]
MONICA: Did not.
ETHAN: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place wher crimes happen.
MONICA: How was that possible?
ETHAN: Well, think about it. Itīs always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' You know, I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? Oh, ah. I should go.
MONICA: Okay.
[They kiss]
ETHAN: Okay.
MONICA: Unless--
ETHAN: What?
MONICA: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, Iīm going to, so...
ETHAN: Yeah, Iīd really like that.
[They kiss]
ETHAN: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.
MONICA: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'Iīm secretly married to a goat'?
ETHAN: Well itīs somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, Iīm not uh..., well I, I mean I havenīt ever uh...
MONICA: Ethan--
ETHAN: Yeah?
MONICA: Are you a virgin?
ETHAN: Well, if thatīs what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, Iīve kinda been waiting for the right person.
MONICA: Really?
ETHAN: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?
[They kiss]
[Time lapse. They are now in Monicaīs bedroom, on the bed.]
ETHAN: Wow!
MONICA: You keep saying that.
ETHAN: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practise it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.
[They kiss]
MONICA: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.
ETHAN: Oh god, donīt tell me, I did it wrong.
MONICA: No no. Nothing wrong about that.
ETHAN: Oh.
MONICA: Um, okay, here it goes. Iīm not 22. Iīm, Iīm 25... and thirteen months.
ETHAN: Huh!
MONICA: But I figured, you know, that shouldnīt change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.
[They kiss]
ETHAN: Uh, listen um, as long as weīre telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. Iīm a little younger than I said.
MONICA: Youīre not a senior?
ETHAN: Oh, Iīm a senior... in High School.
MONICA: Ok...ay.
[Time lapse]
MONICA: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had s*x with somebody that wasnīt alive during the Bicentennial.
ETHAN: I just had s*x.
MONICA: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
ETHAN: Well, you never told me how old you were.
MONICA: Well, thatīs different. My lie didnīt make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
ETHAN: I wasnīt thinking. I was too busy fallin'--
MONICA: Donīt say it. [closes Ethanīs mouth with her hand]
ETHAN: --in love with you.
MONICA: Really?
ETHAN: [nods] Sorry.
MONICA: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldnīt even be here, itīs a school night. Oh god, oh god. Iīm like those women that you see with shiny guys like Chad. Iīm Joan Collins.
ETHAN: Who?
[Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Everyone exept Monica is there.] ROSS: [on phone] Okay, André should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. [to Phoebe] Just easier that way.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
RACHEL: No, forget it.
CHANDLER: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
RACHEL: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. [Camera fades to Ross, whoīs listening very carefully] Joey was there too.
JOEY: All right.
ROSS: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.
RACHEL: No.
ROSS: Youīre sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
RACHEL: No, it was just the three of us.
ROSS: Huh!
JOEY: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
RACHEL: He, he, he. You know what?
JOEY: What?
RACHEL: There were times when it wasnīt even me.
[Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other]
PHOEBE: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]
[Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesnīt hear what the others say]
ROSS, RACHEL & PHOEBE: Hey, Mon.
RACHEL: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
ALL: [shouting] Mon!
[Monica takes of her walkman]
MONICA: What?
RACHEL: Ethan called again.
MONICA: Oh.
ROSS: Are you not seeing him anymore?
MONICA: No. You know, sometimes just things doesnīt work out.
CHANDLER: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.
[Monica stares at Rachel]
RACHEL: I, I didnīt say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear.
JOEY: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laughs]
ROSS: Oh, yeah.
MONICA: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
JOEY, CHANDLER & ROSS: Sorry.
ROSS: Itīs morphin time!
JOEY: Stegosaurus!
CHANDLER: Tyrannosaurus!
[SCENE_BREAK]
[They all cross theyīre arms like the "Power Rangers" do]
PHOEBE: Ooh, oh, Iīve gotta go. [raises] Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. [sits down, and then raises again] Cool!
RACHEL: Where are you going?
PHOEBE: Um, oh, Iīve got a birthday party, with some work people.
CHANDLER: Work people? Nobody told me.
PHOEBE: No, I know. Thatīs a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravagance.
CHANDLER: You know, I donīt get this. A month aga, these people were my friends. You know, just because Iīm in charge doesnīt mean iīm a different person.
PHOEBE: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
CHANDLER: You think I should?
PHOEBE: I really do, yeah.
CHANDLER: Okay.
PHOEBE: Okay.
CHANDLER: Okay.
PHOEBE: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I donīt wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
[Scene: Chandlerīs office. He and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]
CHANDLER: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing "Ebony and Ivory".
PHOEBE: You were great. But they still made fun of you.
CHANDLER: What?
PHOEBE: You know, now youīre more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss", "Mr.", you know, "Iīm one of you, Boss", "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing"
CHANDLER: Then, I donīt get it.
PHOEBE: Well, you know what Chandler? I think youīve gotta face it. Youīre like, the guy in the big office, you know. Youīre the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say youīre a great boss.
CHANDLER: They do?
PHOEBE: Uh huh. But theyīre not your friends anymore.
CHANDLER: I just wanīt to--
PHOEBE: No, but you canīt.
CHANDLER: But I just wa--
PHOEBE: Uh uh.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Rossīs beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]
MONICA: Arenīt you gonna--
ROSS: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means sheīs having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.
JOEY: What about André?
ROSS: Oh, welll this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.
[Ethan enters]
ETHAN: Hey.
MONICA: That was gonna be my opener.
RACHEL: [understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone] Hey, did you guys check out those new handdryers in the bathroom?
ROSS: I thought that was just a rumour.
RACHEL: True story.
JOEY: Theyīre here allready?
[Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom]
ETHAN: All right, look. Iīve gotta tell you something. Iīm not 17. I only said so that youīd think I was cute and vunerable. Iīm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, Iīm your congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, weīre great together. We can talk , we make each other laugh, and the s*x. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.
MONICA: It was.
ETHAN: Then, whatīs the problem?
MONICA: Ethan, itīs um... itīs icky.
ETHAN: Icky? Youīre actually gonna throw this away because itīs icky?
MONICA: This isnīt easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really--
ETHAN: No, donīt say it. [closes Monicaīs mouth with his hand]
MONICA: --love you.
[Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan arenīt finished talking to each other yet.]
ROSS: Are youīre hands still wet?
JOEY: Uh, moist, yeah.
RACHEL: Letīs dry īem again.
[They go to the bathroom again]
[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employeesīs conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]
GERSTON: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? [They discover that Chandler is listening] Hey, Chandler.
SANTOS: Hello, Mr. Bing.
PETRIE: Loved your "Stevie Wonder" last night.
CHANDLER: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, Iīm gonna need them on my desk by nine oīclock.
SANTOS: Sure.
GERSTON: No problem.
[They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler]
CHANDLER: You have to give īem something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and whoīs the guy with the moustache?
PHOEBE: Petrie.
CHANDLER: Petrie, right, right. Okay, somebodyīs gonna be working this weekend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachelīs apartment. Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]
RACHEL: [talks in her sleep] Oooooooooh. [Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently] Oh, thatīs nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross.
[Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.]
RACHEL: Ross?
ROSS: Iīm here.
RACHEL: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...
ROSS: What? [his beeper goes off] Great, now Iīm having a baby.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: Ooh, Ooh.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: Iīm having... Iīm having a baby. [jumps back onto the table again] Iīm having a... Whereīs the phone? The phone?
RACHEL: I donīt know where the phone is.
[Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor]
RACHEL: Ross?
ROSS: Iīm hurt.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: The hall between the apartments. Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]
ROSS: Monica, letīs go. Come on now people, woman in labor.
[Chandler struts out from his apartment]
CHANDLER: Hey Ross, look what Iīve got going here.
ROSS: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.
[Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands]
ROSS: What are you doing? Weīre going to a hospital.
RACHEL: What, so I canīt lokk nice? There might be doctors there.
ROSS: Joey, get out of the fridge.
JOEY: All right, all right. [he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand]
ROSS: What is that? [refering to the sandwich]
JOEY: For the ride.
CHANDLER: Yeah, like in a cab--
ROSS: Save it.
CHANDLER: Okay, hating this.
ROSS: Monica, come on now. Letīs go, baby coming.
[Monica enters from their apartment, crying]
MONICA: I canīt belive it, Iīm gonna be an aunt. Iīm gonna have like a nephew.
ROSS: Thatīs nice. Get out Letīs go, come on.
JOEY: All rihgt, Iīm going. Iīm going.
[They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.]
CHANDLER: Here we go, here we go.
RACHEL: Rossy, Rossy.
Plan: A: Monica; Q: Who did Ethan lose his virginity to? A: young Ethan; Q: Who reveals that he is not a college student as Monica believed? A: Rachel; Q: Who has erotic dreams about Joey and Chandler? A: Chandler; Q: Who is the boss of Phoebe? A: Ross; Q: Who is jealous of Rachel's dreams? A: Phoebe temps; Q: Who is Chandler's secretary? Summary: After losing his virginity to Monica, young Ethan reveals that he is not a college student as she believed, but is a high school senior. Rachel has erotic dreams about Joey and Chandler, making Ross jealous. Phoebe temps as Chandler's secretary and discovers that no one at work likes him anymore now that he is the boss.