Act One.
Scene One - Frasier's Bedroom. It's just after seven in the morning and Frasier is fast asleep. Eddie runs in and jumps on the bed. Eddie has an electric voice box attached to his collar. Martin is obviously offstage with a microphone, as his voice comes through the box. It is done to sound like a dog.
Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] Rrrr'appy Rrrr'irthday, Rrrr'aiser!
Frasier: [wakes up, sarcastically] Eddie! You can talk!
Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] I've always been able to talk. I just save it for special occasions like somebody's rrr'irthday.
Frasier: Yes, Eddie, thank you very much. But listen, I'd like to talk about Dad. I think his mind may be slipping.
Martin enters with his microphone.
Martin: Hey, don't say things like that. He's a dog, he might not know you're joking.
Frasier: Why, Dad, I didn't even know you were here! [smirks]
Martin: Well, just give me a couple more minutes and I'll have your birthday breakfast all ready. Come on, Eddie!
Martin exits as Eddie follows him.
Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] Rrright behind you! Frasier gives a glance out of the door as he begins to get up.
CUT TO: Living Room Martin is pouring some coffee as Frasier enters in his dressing gown.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's very nice, Dad.
Martin: Oh, and look what I got. A newspaper from the day you were born. [hands it to him]
Frasier: I keep telling you to clean out that closet of yours! [sits down and reads it]
Martin: I ordered it!
Frasier: Yes well, let's just see what other wonders occurred on that day. [laughs and reads] "SUSPECTED PINKO OUTED FROM CROSSING GUARD POST" What a jolly world I was born into.
Martin: I know tonight's your party, but here. [lights a candle on a cupcake] Happy birthday! Make a wish.
Frasier: Oh Dad, thank you.
Frasier stands. He bends over the table to blow it out - and freezes.
Martin: What's the matter?
Frasier: My back! [in pain] It's completely seized up!
Martin: Well, here...
Martin guides him back down into his seat.
Frasier: My God! It's been a little tender lately. I went to see the doctor last week, he told me there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Martin: Oh, doctors never tell you anything, they're all just a bunch of overpaid quacks. [off Frasier's glare] Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean you. I'm talking about real doctors!
Frasier: [after he gives Martin a look] How can this be happening to me? I'm always so conscientious about back safety. Why, just the other day when I needed that large heavy stack of books from down in the storage room, I insisted that Daphne make three trips.
Martin: Well, you know what, I've got that old girdle in my bedroom. Let me go get it.
Frasier: Dad, wait, I'm not going to wear anything called a girdle.
Martin: What if I call it a back-brace?
Frasier: Get it!
Martin does so and leaves the scene to his room. Then the doorbell sounds. Frasier sits still motionless.
Frasier: [calls] Daphne! However, she's not in. The doorbell rings twice more.
Frasier: Oh, God... Coming! [slowly gets up and edges to the door] This wouldn't be taking me so long if my housekeeper were here. [finally opens door to Daphne]
Daphne: I'm a physical therapist!
Frasier: Then perhaps you could get me into a chair!
Daphne: [supports him] Oh goodness, is your back bothering you again? Oh, I'm sorry I made you get up. I forgot my keys.
Frasier: You know, perhaps you should get a spare set made just to keep at Donny's. For God's sake, you're practically living there as it is.
Daphne: [guides him to sofa] Oh, now, Dr. Crane. You better get used to it. Once I'm married, I will be living there. [then] I know what'll help that back, a nice massage.
Martin enters with the girdle.
Martin: Here we go.
Daphne: Oh, the girdle! That'll help.
Martin: Now, it's kinda hard to put on by yourself. But if Daphne holds one end and I hold the other, you can kinda spin into it.
Frasier: Please Dad, this is humiliating enough as it is.
Martin: What's humiliating about it? Look, you just hook it in the back like a bra.
Frasier: Just give me that! [snatches it]
Frasier exits to his room struggling with the girdle.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, does it bother you when I stay over at Donny's?
Martin: No.
Daphne: Well, it seems to bother Dr. Crane.
Martin: Oh, he's just cranky because of his back.
Daphne pours herself a cup of coffee, noticing the paper that Martin gave Frasier.
Daphne: Good Lord! Queen Elizabeth had another baby! I don't care what science can do, it's just not right.
[N.B. A slight discontinuity here - Frasier's birth year has been given as 1952. Queen Elizabeth's second child, Princess Anne, was born in 1950, two years after her brother Charles. Elizabeth did not give birth again until 1960.]
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Radio Station. Roz is preparing for the show in her booth. Connie enters Frasier's booth with some flowers for Frasier, as Frasier hobbles inside with her, he is using a cane.
Frasier: [referring to Connie placing the flowers on the console] Oh, that'll be fine right there, be sure to thank the gang for the flowers, Connie.
Connie: You're welcome, Dr. Crane. Happy Birthday. [exits]
Roz: [realizes] Birthday? [then quickly] Happy birthday, Frasier.
Frasier: Thank you, Roz. Not off to the best start though, my back is out.
Roz: Why don't you go home? We'll just air "The Best of Crane." I'll drop your gift by later.
Frasier: No, no, Roz. I promised my listeners that I'd read a birthday address.
Roz: [searching for a gift to give him] Well, people might have forgotten, people do have busy lives, you know. [notices a book on the side]
Frasier: No, Roz, I announced it twice. Anyone paying the slightest attention would know.
Roz takes a gift bag with shoes in it, empties the shoes out and puts the book inside the gift bag.
Frasier: What are you doing over there?
Roz: Just, wondering when to surprise you with your... present!
[holds up gift bag]
Roz enters Frasier's booth and hands it over.
Frasier: Oh, Roz.
Roz: Yes, now is as good a time as any.
Frasier: You know, we keep promising each other that we're not going to do this. We've got to stop spoiling one another.
Roz: Well, what am I supposed to do? Just forget your birthday?
Frasier: [looks at book] Oh, Good Lord, Roz. You know, I read the most wonderful review of this recently.
Roz: I hope you like it.
Frasier: Oh look, you've inscribed it.
Roz: [worried] I did?
Frasier: [reads] "You'll always be my baby."
Roz: I must have had a glass of wine when I wrote that.
Frasier: [reads] "Love, Mom."
Roz, ashamed, goes back to her tasks as Niles enters with a gift bag.
Niles: There's our bent and broken birthday boy.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: I've brought you a little gift. Say hello to sweet salvation, the "Lumbar Log."
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. [takes it and props it behind his back] I think the whole thing is probably stress-related.
Niles: Well, that's very possible. Birthdays can be anxiety- provoking, especially for people of a certain age.
Frasier: I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid anymore." I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.
Roz: You know, if your back pain is stress-related, I read a magazine article with an exercise that might help. You just go someplace where nobody can hear you and list all the things that bug you.
Frasier: In what esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit - "Cosmo"?
Roz: No, [proudly] "Glamour"!
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."
Roz: I said do it someplace private!
Niles: You know, it couldn't hurt, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it's absurd.
Niles: Hmm, the more you resist, the more I'm wondering if there's something you're trying to avoid.
Roz: Well, thanks for backing me up, Niles. You know, the same article said if you rub a raw potato...
Niles: If we're going to sell him on this, you should drop out now.
Roz: OK.
Frasier: Nobody's going to sell me on anything. That sort of exercise only helps people who lack self awareness. I for one am... [spasm of pain] God almighty!
Niles: Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.
Roz: Thirty seconds, Frasier. [enters her booth]
Niles: All right, I'll be off. You take care of yourself, I'll see you tonight. [exits]
Roz: Are you sure you're up to this?
Frasier: Oh, I'll be fine, Roz. I'm not as delicate as all that.
Roz: How did you do it anyway?
Frasier: Blowing out a cupcake.
Roz: You know, Frasier, we can always put on "The Best of Crane."
Frasier: No, no, Roz. Now, just have a little bit of faith in me. I'm a lot tougher than that. Tell you what, if I feel like I need help towards the end of the show, I'll give you a little signal, all right? [shows her an example of her signal]
Roz: All right, five seconds.
Frasier: Gosh you know, these flowers really are beautiful. [on air] Good afternoon, Seattle.
Frasier takes a sniff of the flowers, causing him to sneeze, forcing his back to move and causing him to scream in pain. He sneezes again and screams again as Roz puts a hand to her earphones. He sneezes a third time and falls off his chair in agony. Niles runs in from the corridor as Frasier rolls around on the floor. His hand comes up from under the console and signals Roz.
[SCENE_BREAK]
EDWARD CRANE, PH.D.
Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. The apartment is empty as Frasier enters on the shoulder of Niles.
Niles: Hello! Anyone here? [no reply]
Frasier: I guess they're all out.
Niles: [hurrying across room to sofa] Okay, well let's just get you settled!
Frasier: Niles, Niles, slow down. For God's sake, we're not running a three-legged race. [falls onto sofa] Do you have somewhere to be?
Niles: Well, since you bring it up, I do have a luncheon with my new lady love.
Frasier: Oh, well, gosh, I'd hate to have my pain stand in the way of that! How could that orthopedist of yours tell me there was nothing wrong?
Niles: Frasier, I looked at the x-rays myself, this is not a skeletal problem. There, now you're all fine and I'm sure Dad will be by soon.
Frasier: No, wait. This couch has absolutely no support. [points to chair with ottoman] Let's try that chair over there, please.
Niles: All right. [picks him up] You're not heavy, you're my brother.
Niles and Frasier slowly move over to the chair.
Frasier: How could you take me to that unprofessional hack? All he did was give me a bottle full of horse tranquilizers. He didn't care about getting to the root of the problem, he just wanted to shut me up!
Niles: I think it might be time for one of those pills!
He settles Frasier on the chair in a most obscure way. He is kneeling on the ottoman with his forehead resting on the chair back. He looks like a contortionist.
Niles: All comfy?
Frasier: This won't do, it's even harder than a seat on a public bus.
Niles: Oh, when were you ever on a bus?
Frasier: At a cocktail party once for the "Friends of Transit."
Niles: I wasn't invited to that.
Frasier: Will you just help me up, for God's sake! [he does] Oh God, you know, maybe I should take another one of those pills.
Niles: All right, I'll get you a glass of water, okay?
Frasier: Right.
Niles rushes into the kitchen and talks from offstage. Whilst Niles is speaking Frasier takes the pills from his pockets and wanders over to Martin's chair slowly.
Niles: [o.s.] You know, things are really going well with Mel. I've been out with her almost every night. I don't want to jinx things but I dare say we're well on our way to becoming what might almost pass as an item.
Frasier falls down into Martin's chair as Niles enters with a glass of water.
Niles: I mean it, Frasier, she is just the... [notices him] Oh my God, did you fall?!
Frasier: No, I'm actually quite comfortable, Niles. And look, there's no glare on the television... and here's a lovely place to set your drink. [he does]
Niles: Just give me your hand and whatever the chair's telling you, don't listen.
Frasier: No, it's helping my back actually. You know, and when you sit in it, you don't have to look at it.
Niles: If you're really interested in correcting this problem and not just medicating it, you should consider that technique Roz mentioned - you know, listing your problems aloud.
Frasier: Oh, give me a break.
Niles: It's perfectly possible that this is connected to some submerged anxiety. What's bothering you?
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles, you really expect me to sit here all alone in some apartment, prattling on endlessly about my problems like some sort of a lunatic. [Niles slowly leaves unnoticed by Frasier] If you think I'm going to do that, you're the one who needs to get his head examined...
He notices Niles's disappearance. Then Frasier sits quietly before Eddie runs from behind him and jumps onto his knee.
Frasier: Oh, good God! Oh, Eddie, please just shoo! Get off me, get off me!
Eddie jumps onto the sofa and stares at him.
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me... I'm another year older today. I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. [takes pills] I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad.
Pause.
Frasier: Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely. Well, it's quite a realization, isn't it?
Daphne walks on in her dressing gown fresh from a shower, unnoticed by Frasier.
Frasier: I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the chance.
Daphne, worried by these comments, walks back to her room again.
Frasier: Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try this. [pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair] Ah...
Eddie buries his head under the pillow.
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.
Daphne enters, acting.
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here, I can't hear anything in that shower of mine, it's like a soundproof vault!
Frasier: Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you this morning.
Daphne: It's fine.
Frasier: No, it's not. It's never fine. Listen, come here, please.
She does but reluctantly.
Frasier: Give me a hug. She hugs keeping a distance between his body and hers.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?
Daphne: [worried] I'm getting an idea!
End of Act One.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Act Two.
Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne is sat at the dining table staring into space as Martin enters. He notices Daphne's behavior.
Martin: [enters] Hey, Daph. [no response] What's wrong? Are you all right?
Daphne: Well, actually no. I overheard something I wasn't supposed to hear. It's about Dr. Crane. I overheard him say he's in love with me.
Martin: What?
Daphne: And he wants to show me how much he loves me while he still has the chance.
Martin: Oh, jeez, not this!
Daphne: You knew about this?
Martin: I'm not getting in the middle of this!
Daphne: Then it's true?
Martin: Look, I kept my mouth shut for six years, I'm not saying anything now. [exits to kitchen]
Daphne: [gobsmacked] Six years?! He's felt this way for six years?!
Martin: [o.s] You didn't hear that from me!
Frasier enters from his room in a robe.
Frasier: Daphne. Daphne, I can't lower myself into the tub.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me!
Frasier: No, I thought I'd skip the bath and take you up on that massage you offered. Those expert hands of yours might be just what the doctor ordered. [slyly] Let's do it in my bedroom, shall we?
Daphne collects herself and slowly walks to Frasier's bedroom.
CUT TO: Frasier's Bedroom. Frasier is waiting as Daphne enters. She is still in her robe.
Frasier: What kept you? [Daphne murmurs] Daphne, here, just help me out of this robe, please. I nearly killed myself putting it on.
She does slowly and covers her eyes in case of "gratuitous nudity." She folds the robe up, glad to see that Frasier is wearing pants. He goes onto the bed and Daphne apprehensively goes to him.
Daphne: [breathes] Here we go! Now, remember, your back's very tender, so no sudden movements.
Daphne slowly moves towards the back with her hands. She is very scared. Her fingertips press lightly onto his back and he lets out a groan of pleasure. Daphne quickly removes her hands and gets off the bed.
Daphne: You know, I'm catching a draft in this robe, perhaps I better change.
Frasier: I'll be waiting!
Daphne: [looks back in disgust] Ooh!
Daphne exits down the hallway before Martin arrives to see Frasier.
Martin: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Yes, Dad.
Martin: Did Daphne tell you?
Frasier: Tell me what?
Martin: She found out Niles has a thing for her.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Yes.
Frasier: How?!
Martin: Well, she said she overheard him earlier saying how much he loves her.
Frasier: Oh, dear God, no wonder she's been so distracted. What did you say, did you confirm it?
Martin: Well, yes, I said I knew about it.
Frasier: Oh, Dad...
Martin: Well come on, what else was I going to say?! And then I told her it was none of my business and I took off out of there.
Frasier: [thinks] Wait a minute! How did she even see Niles today?
Martin: I don't know, but she said she overheard him saying he loves her and that he wanted to tell her while he still has the chance.
Frasier: [realizes] Oh, no!
Martin: What?
Frasier: I said that.
Martin: [groans] Oh, not you now!
Frasier: No, no, no, Dad, not that. I was just doing a little exercise to try and help my back and I was talking out loud about how much I was going to miss Daphne. She must have overheard me and misunderstood.
Martin: Who were you talking to?
Beat.
Frasier: If you must know, I was talking to Eddie.
Martin: [smirks] Helps, doesn't it!
Frasier: Oh, stop it. Thanks to you, now Daphne thinks I'm in love with her. Here I am asking her for a massage, how is she expected to interpret that?!
Daphne enters with a big woolly jumper on.
Martin: [noticing her] Hard to say! [exits]
Frasier: Oh, Lord.
Daphne: Just take a deep breath and try to relax.
Frasier: Daphne...
Daphne: Let's both do that, shall we? [breathes deeply]
Frasier: Daphne, Dad told me that you overheard me.
Daphne: He did?
Frasier: Yes.
Daphne: Well, I certainly picked the wrong person to confide in.
Frasier: No, no, no, I'm glad he told me, because the truth is you misunderstood. You see, when I said how much I cared about you, I didn't mean it in a romantic sense.
Daphne: [hopeful] Then you don't love me?
Frasier: Oh, no, of course I love you, Daphne, but as a friend, that's all!
Daphne bursts into laughter and relief as she hugs him.
Daphne: Oh thank God! What a relief! I mean I was flattered, but...
[laughs]
Frasier: That's fine, off you go... [his head spins] Oh my, my head.
Daphne: It must be those pills. Come on, let me give you that massage while you can still feel it.
Frasier: All right.
Daphne takes her jumper off and pushes Frasier onto the bed. She kneels beside him and massages him. Frasier begins to relax.
Frasier: You know, Daph, we really are going to miss you around here.
Daphne: It's going to be hard for me too. Something I haven't even wanted to think about - leaving. I know I grumble a bit, but I do love you and your father. I'll still come around though, we'll still see each other.
Frasier: You know what?
Daphne: What's that, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Dad's chair.
Daphne: I'm not taking it with me if that's where you're heading.
[laughs]
Frasier: It's so comfortable!
Daphne: You took quite a few of those pills, didn't you? [pause] You know what's curious, though?
Frasier: Cats!
Daphne: [laughs] Yes! But I'm talking about our little mix-up. When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
Frasier: Oh that... he meant Niles!
KA-BOOM!!!
This revelation shocks Daphne into a state of confusion. This is the turning point of the show.
Daphne: What?
Frasier: Niles... he's crazy about you!
Daphne: [transfixed in mental conflict] Dr. Crane? [then to Frasier] Dr. Crane!
But he's already fallen asleep.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Scene Two - Frasier's Bedroom. A few hours later Frasier is woken up once again by Eddie with his voice box.
Martin: [v.o. as Eddie] Come on, Rrr'irthday Boy. Wakey, Wakey, time for Cakey!
Frasier: Dear God! Has a year passed already?
CUT TO: Living Room Meanwhile, the dining room table is set up with birthday decorations. Eddie, Martin and Daphne are wearing party hats.
Daphne: [putting on her hat] Please, the elastic's pinching behind my ears!
Martin: Oh, come on, it's just for a couple of hours.
Daphne: It's pulling my hair!
Martin: You don't hear Eddie complaining, do you? [v.o. as Eddie] I rr'uv my hat!
Daphne: You know, I'm this close to breaking that thing into a million pieces!
Frasier enters in his dressing gown.
Frasier: Well, isn't this festive! Oh, Daphne, by the way, thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick.
Daphne: Anytime, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Listen, just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.
Daphne: [worried] Yes?
Frasier: It's about Dad's chair, it may be comfortable but I still want to get it out of here.
Daphne: [tense] Oh, that.
Frasier: Why, I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?
Daphne: Well... [then] No, no. And don't worry. [points at chair] Mum's the word!
The doorbell sounds.
Daphne: [sarcastic] I'll get it!
Frasier: Why, thank you.
Daphne goes to the door as Martin talks to Frasier.
Martin: Did you straighten things out with Daphne?
Frasier: Yes, I did.
Martin: Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles's secret!
Frasier: Would you try to be more discreet! I can't pull your chestnuts out of the fire every time!
Daphne opens the door to Niles. She looks very nervous and Niles can sense something is up.
Niles: Good evening, Daphne.
Daphne: [tense] Dr. Crane.
Niles: You look different somehow. [covering?] Have you done something new with your hair?
Daphne points to her hat and takes it off, symbolically removing her badge of office. She is now a new person.
Niles: That must be it!
Niles, confused by her actions, goes to greet Frasier and wish him many happy returns as Daphne looks him up and down from afar with silent eyes.
End of Act Two.
[SCENE_BREAK]
Frasier goes into the living room in his bathrobe with a glass of sherry. He looks around surreptitiously, finds he's alone, and lowers himself with a blissful sigh into Martin's chair. Martin comes in behind him and leans over to meet Frasier as he reclines into the chair. Frasier is startled and sits up abruptly.
Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who confesses to Daphne that he loves her? A: home; Q: Where is Frasier confined to after pulling a muscle in his back? A: Daphne; Q: Who does Frasier confess his love to? A: Eddie; Q: Who is present when Frasier realizes that he is irritable with Daphne? A: the household; Q: What is Daphne leaving? A: his feelings; Q: What does Daphne not realize is platonic? A: feelings; Q: What does Niles have for Daphne? A: Martin; Q: Who does Daphne tell that Dr. Crane confessed his feelings for her? A: his strong medication; Q: What does Daphne massage Frasier with to help him relax? A: his speech; Q: What is unguarded in Frasier's drowsy state? Summary: Frasier pulls a muscle in his back and is confined to home. He has been irritable with Daphne recently, and while thinking out load in the presence of Eddie, he realises that this is because she will soon leave the household and he will miss her. Daphne emerges, unnoticed, to hear Frasier confess that he loves her. She does not realize that his feelings are platonic , and is horrified and embarrassed. When she tell Martin that Dr. Crane has confessed his feelings for her, he assumes she is referring to Niles and confirms it. Frasier soon realizes that, as Niles has not been present to confess anything, Daphne has misinterpreted. He takes the opportunity to assure her of this. Daphne is relieved, and gives Frasier a massage as his strong medication begins to work. In his drowsy state, his speech is unguarded, and when she revisits what Martin said, he reveals that it is Niles that has feelings for her.