"The Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood"
[SCENE_BREAK]
TEASER
(Open on: Ext. Verbena Court a suburban cul-de-sac. A luau street party is underway, tables are laid out in the street, banners and streamer are hung up. People dressed up in Hawaiian clothes and flower garlands are carrying plates of food and drinking cocktails. Children are playing.).
Woman's voice (off screen): Everybody, I've got fresh pineapples!
(The SAYLES family BOB, PAIGE and MARY KAY stand with neighbor NATE GRUNENFELDER. BOB grabs one of NATE's coconut boobs)
NATE: Aargh, back off, sailor.
PAIGE: Grabbing the gay guy's coconut boob - real cool, Dad. (She walks away)
BOB: Your old man is cool. Right, Nate?
NATE: Massively cool, Bob. You're a glacier.
MARY KAY: Aren't any of these nonalcoholic?
BOB: You know, it would do you some good to have a couple drinks, loosen up a little. (We follow NATE as he moves to a new group: his boyfriend JAMES PERRY, and neighbors ELLIOT and PAULA LINDBERGH. NATE hands PAULA a drink.)
ELLIOT: All due respect, James, I don't even understand why gays even want to get married.
PAULA: Elliot! For the same reason we do, family, kids, the American Dream.
JAMES: Exactly. (Puts his arm around Nate) Thank you Paula.
ELLIOT: Our house has been on the market for ten months. Nobody wants the American Dream anymore.
PAULA: Elliot, you're gonna love the 'burbs once we have a couple kids.
(Popping sounds like firecrackers are heard.)
Voice (off screen): Ooooh, what's goin' on?
JAMES: That's coming from the luau pit.
BOB: Hey, Trey, what's that noise?
MARY KAY: For God's sake, Bob, he's a gardener, not a servant. (Everyone gathers round the luau pit).
BOB: He works for the Homeowner's Association, which means he works for us. Am I wrong?
ELLIOT: Maybe the, uh, pig's eyeballs explode when it's done.
NATE: It shouldn't be done for a couple more hours.
JAMES: We should check and make sure it's not burning.
NATE: Yeah, all right... stand back. (TREY removes the sacking covering the pig. JAMES and NATE lift the pig from the pit).
BOB: Hey piggy piggy, look out, get back. This is kosher, right? Aw, yeah.
PAULA: Elliot, will you get the meat thermometer?
ELLIOT: (looking into the pit) Oh my god.
PAULA: What, hon? (The group moves away from the pig to look in the pit, a burned skull is visible among the embers, shocked gasps are heard).
BOB: Is that a person? That's a person!
Voice (off screen): He's been cooked!
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian, Int. Medical-Legal Lab. The foyer. CAM and BRENNAN dressed in fieldwork overalls walk into foyer to see BOOTH stood waiting for them).
CAM: Why are you standing there like a security guard? (PARKER steps out from behind BOOTH). Parker, hey!
PARKER: Hi!
BRENNAN: (To PARKER). The remains we've been called to examine were apparently barbecued. Would you like to see?
PARKER: Totally!
BOOTH: No, no, no. A person did not get barbecued. Did they, Dr. Brennan?
BRENNAN: Yes. In a luau pit, which is why I'm surprised you'd bring Parker along.
BOOTH: No, I-Rebecca and her boyfriend won a night at the Greenbrier, so little kid's with me. I got him.
PARKER: Let's go see the cooked person!
BOOTH: Geez, you know our deal.
BRENNAN: Well, what's your deal?
PARKER: We're not allowed to talk about the bad parts of Dad's work until I have armpit hair.
BOOTH: You don't have any armpit hair last time I checked. Not for a long time, kid. (ANGELA appears in the background.)
CAM: Angela, would you mind...?
ANGELA: Oh, no, sure. I get the situation here. You're with me, Parker.
PARKER: I want to see the barbecued body.
ANGELA: Well, I agree that does sound awesome, but I have face paints that your dad will never be able to get off, no matter how hard he scrubs. They're basically tattoos.
PARKER: Okay, I'm with you.
BOOTH: You have a good time, all right? (BOOTH hugs PARKER). I'll come pick you up in a little bit, all right? (CAM and BRENNAN walk to the exit). Have fun--fun with the face paints, kid. (To ANGELA) Hey, that's not true about the face paint, is it?
ANGELA: You're with me, Baby Booth.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. FBI crime scene tape is set up around the cul-de-sac. An FBI technician is taking photos. BOOTHS car arrives at Verbena Court; BRENNAN, BOOTH and CAM exit the car and walk to the crime scene. We see the party goers are still at the scene).
BRENNAN: Ethnographic studies of the suburbs indicate a cultural impulsion toward overt displays of status. Of course, this competitive paradigm can often result in aggression and violence. (They duck under the FBI tape and approach the luau pit).
CAM: There was this guy on my street who cut his lawn on the diagonal. The neighbors got angry. Someone set his garage on fire.
BOOTH: Oh, I mean, yards, sidewalks, you know, clean streets, birds flying by. (CAM and BRENNAN put on gloves).
CAM: A dead body in the barbecue pit.
BOOTH: Oh. Okay, you know what, I'm gonna go talk to the neighbors, to see if anyone who cut their lawn diagonally is missing.
BRENNAN: I think those are reflective lenses that have fused into the supra-orbital margin. (She climbs down into the pit).
(Cut to: BOOTH interviewing NATE and JAMES in the street)
JAMES: Nate and I moved to Verbena Court about six months ago.
NATE: The luau pit came with the house.
JAMES: We installed a lockable cover. We don't want kids falling in. We're good neighbors.
BOOTH: Who has a key?
NATE: Uh, just us. And there's one with the Neighborhood Watch.
BOOTH: Okay, uh, who put the pig in the pit?
JAMES: Me, Nate and Trey at 9 o'clock this morning.
BOOTH: Trey?
NATE: Uh, Trey Jordan. (He indicates towards TREY JORDAN who is standing across the street). He's the gardener slash handyman for the Homeowner's Association. (JAMES stares over at where TREY is standing) Stop staring at him, James.
JAMES: You were just talking about him...
BOOTH: Guys, guys. When you put the pig in...
JAMES: We didn't notice anything down there but hot coals.
(Cut to: CAM and BRENNAN in the luau pit.)
CAM: (Holding electronic thermometer). 48 degrees Celsius. That's, what, an hour after they drenched everything with a garden hose?
BRENNAN: Wish they hadn't done that.
CAM: Well, it's human nature, Dr. Brennan. You see someone on fire, you put 'em out.
BRENNAN: Prominent brow points to a male. Wear on his mandibular teeth puts his age at about 30 to 35. We should remove the remains and then let Hodgins get down here. (BRENNAN removes sunglasses from the skull and places them in an evidence bag CAM is holding.)
(Cut to: BOOTH interviewing TREY, PAIGE, BOB and MARY KAY. They are stood in a line against a car facing BOOTH who is pacing.)
BOB: We have the luau every year.
MARY KAY: The pit was dug maybe... Four years ago. July. Same time we planted our hydrangeas. That reminds me, we should spray.
BOB: Yeah, we all helped with the pit. It's, uh, four feet deep and lined with brick; you burn the wood to embers.
PAIGE: You cheat with charcoal.
MARY KAY: Don't call your dad a cheater, Paige.
BOB: Anyway, tons of embers going, then you throw down a layer of wet burlap, then wet leaves, then wet burlap, chicken wire, then you lower the pig in and voila.
BOOTH: Yeah, you're forgetting one thing there.
BOB: I don't think so. Burlap, leaves...
PAIGE: He means the dead guy under the pig, Dad.
BOOTH: Smart one in the family there. So, what made you crack open the pit early?
MARY KAY: We heard little explosions, like fireworks going off.
BRENNAN: (Approaching the group). We found these in the pit. (She holds up the evidence bag containing the sunglasses).
BOOTH: Reflective aviators.
TREY: Those look like Mr. Bessette's glasses.
PAIGE: Oh, my God.
MARY KAY: That's Kurt?
PAIGE: You must be mistaken.
BOB: (Raises his voice) Hey, everybody, looks like it was Kurt. (There are gasps of shock and surprise from the neighbors)
BOOTH: Who's Kurt?
PAIGE: He and his wife live over there. (She indicates a house across the street)
(BOOTH and BRENNAN turn to look at the house, they see a woman - KELLY BESSETTE - through the window, she sees them looking and abruptly closes the blinds.)
BOOTH: That was creepy.
BRENNAN: I warned you about the suburbs.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Titles)
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building - The conference room. SWEETS sits with KELLY BESSETTE at the table)
KELLY BESSETTE: And you're certain it's Kurt?
SWEETS: I'm afraid so, Ms. Bessette. His teeth match the X-rays your dentist provided.
KELLY BESSETTE: Well, I already told the FBI guy and the scary lady everything I know, so I don't know what...
SWEETS: You mentioned that you and your husband didn't really fit in with the neighborhood.
KELLY BESSETTE: Uh, yeah. Uh, Kurt put up a solar panel and a wind turbine, and it made everybody mad. They thought they were pretty ugly. They said they ruined the neighborhood, you know. But he just wanted to save the planet. There's nothing wrong with that, right?
SWEETS: No, it's quite a noble cause.
KELLY BESSETTE: But it can kind of rub people the wrong way sometimes. When the gay couple's dog peed on the wind turbine, Kurt gave the dog a laxative that nearly killed him. (She laughs).
SWEETS: Oh. Well, that... that's not quite so noble.
KELLY BESSETTE: (She becomes serious). Neighbors don't forget a thing like that. We got shunned.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian Int. Medical-Legal Lab - The autopsy room. CAM and ARASTOO work on the remains. HODGINS is visible on a large screen; he is at the crime scene)
HODGINS: Found out what caused the mini explosions.
CAM: Would it have anything to do with the pebbles embedded in the remains?
HODGINS: If by pebbles, you mean the rudaceous sedimentary stratified clast fragments, then yes. (Cut to: HODGINS at the crime scene). Now, based on the amount of pyrites, I'd estimate the porosity at approximately 25%. (Cut to: The lab. HODGINS continues via screen). That's ideal for moisture saturation.
ARASTOO: Meaning the pebbles exploded when they got hot.
HODGINS: The pebbles, as you so quaintly call them, were all found on the same strata as the human remains. Most likely dragged from the murder site.
CAM: Which explains why they were embedded in the remains. (Cut to: The crime scene)
HODGINS: Yeah. All consistent in size and color. (Cut to: The lab)
ARASTOO: Decorative, perhaps? (Cut to: The crime scene. HODGINS spots decorative gravel around the base of KURT BESSETTE's wind turbine.)
HODGINS: I'll call you back. (Cut to: The lab. HODGINS disappears from the screen).
ARASTOO: These bones are not human.
CAM: I assume they're pig.
ARASTOO: (An alarm on his watch sounds).Yes. (He checks his watch).
CAM: Time for prayers?
ARASTOO: Yes, but I have a couple of minutes.
CAM: Oh, I'm sorry.
ARASTOO: Why?
CAM: As a Muslim, I imagine you consider this work unclean.
ARASTOO: Yes, well, as a Christian, I imagine you feel the same way. Four femurs, twelve phalanges, dozens of teeth, twelve canines.
CAM: Luau custom says throw the pig bones back in the pit. Sorry, sorry. Pig bones. God.
ARASTOO: I'm fine, Dr. Saroyan. Perhaps the killer assumed his victim's remains would never be noticed amongst the pig bones.
CAM: Really, Arastoo, there's no reason for you to...
ARASTOO: I appreciate your concern, but I am fine.
CAM: No, really, most of us aren't devout here, and I respect your religion.
ARASTOO: "He hath forbidden you the flesh of swine," but if one is forced by necessity, "without willful disobedience, nor transgressing due limits, then is he guiltless."
CAM: Point is, you shouldn't feel forced...
ARASTOO: (Angrily in an American accent) I'm a scientist, okay? Just like the rest of you. I can deal. So please just back off and let me do my job like anyone else.
CAM: Wow.
ARASTOO: (Reverting to fake foreign accent) I apologize for my outburst.
CAM: Oh, you aren't even gonna try to un-ring that bell, are you? (ARASTOOS alarm sounds again).
ARASTOO: I have to pray (he exits).
(A phone rings, CAM answers on speakerphone).
CAM: Saroyan.
(Cut to: The crime scene. HODGINS is stood by the wind turbine in the BESSETTE's yard)
HODGINS: I found the rudaceous sedimentary stratified clast fragment mother lode. (Cut to: The lab).
CAM: Uh, yeah, any signs of a struggle in the pebbles?
HODGINS: No... (Cut to: The crime scene. HODGINS crouches by the wind turbine and dislodges some of the stones with his hands. He uncovers blood). Um, I call do-over. They're covered in blood. Lots of blood.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal Lab - ANGELA's office. ANGELA is painting PARKERS face).
PARKER: My friend's dad just got a new girlfriend. He goes with his dad to her place all the time to swim.
ANGELA: Oh, so he likes her. Well, that's good.
PARKER: Do you have a boyfriend?
ANGELA: No, I'm on a celibacy kick. It's been five months and nine days, which in celibacy time is 400 years.
PARKER: What does celibacy mean?
ANGELA: It's, um... I don't have a boyfriend, no.
PARKER: How about my dad?
ANGELA: I don't think he has a boyfriend either.
PARKER: No, he really, really needs a girlfriend. Really.
ANGELA: Why?
PARKER: To s*x up.
ANGELA: That's very succinctly put.
PARKER: Could Dad s*x you up?
ANGELA: Don't think I haven't considered that, but I'm sort of on the sidelines for now. But thank you for thinking of me. Okay. Ready?
PARKER: Mm-hmm. (She holds up a mirror).
ANGELA: Done.
PARKER: Cool. How'd you do that?
ANGELA: I'm good. (They high 5).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. BOOTH's car, BOOTH is driving BRENNAN is in the passenger seat)
BRENNAN: (Into speakerphone). How much blood did Hodgins find? (Cut to: Int. Medical-Legal lab. Cam is walking through lab talking on a mobile phone)
CAM: Plenty. He estimates a fatal amount. (Cut to: BOOTH's car)
BOOTH: Can you compare the blood to the cooked guy and see if it's his? (Cut to: The lab)
CAM: He's pretty cooked, but we'll try. Hodgins also ID'd morning glory pollen between the victim's eyeballs and his sunglasses. (Cut to: BOOTH's car)
BRENNAN: How is that relevant?
CAM: (voice over speakerphone) He said morning glories only bloom after sunup. (Cut to: The lab) Sunrise was 5:47 a.m., so we're close to a time of death. Were you guys aware that Arastoo doesn't really have an accent? (Cut to: BOOTH's car).
BOOTH: Yeah, he does. Yeah, it's thicker than Achmed the rug merchant. (Whispering to BRENNAN). Was that racist? It sounded racist. (Cut to: The lab).
BRENNAN: (voice over phone) I knew that despite the fact that Arastoo said he was Iranian, (Cut to: BOOTH's car) his accent was Jordanian. (Cut to: The lab).
CAM: (She stops walking). Don't you find it odd that he was faking an Arab accent of any kind? (Cut to: BOOTH's car).
BRENNAN: Iranian isn't actually Arab.
BOOTH: What? It... Bones, it's weird!
BRENNAN: Now how is it any more odd than, say, shaving your face or putting on makeup? (Cut to: The lab)
CAM: I'm not hanging up because I don't have an answer to that, I'm just hanging up. (Cut to: BOOTH's car).
BRENNAN: But...I had questions about the morning glories. (BOOTH's car arrives at Verbena Court).
(Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. BOOTH and BRENNAN are stood interviewing JAMES and NATE on the street).
BOOTH: So, we understand that you and the deceased had an altercation over your dog?
NATE: You think that we cooked him because he poisoned our dog?
JAMES: Kurt did not poison our dog.
NATE: Yes, he did. Rocky peed on his stupid windmill, so then he gave our dog chocolate laxatives. Dogs don't react to that the way people do.
BRENNAN: It's very difficult to overdose on laxatives. All that will happen is...
JAMES: Rocky died from cancer.
NATE: Maybe. We'll never know because someone wouldn't pay for a doggy autopsy.
JAMES: Oh, my God. You won't let that go, even though the FBI thinks that we killed Kurt for poisoning our dog. We don't think that he poisoned our dog.
BRENNAN: W... he does.
NATE: Now that I think about it...Rocky totally died of cancer.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - The bone room. CAM and ARASTOO look at the victims cleaned bones which are laid out on a light table).
CAM: Can you see anything that would explain copious blood loss?
ARASTOO: (Using fake accent). Not so far. As you can see, here and here...
CAM: Can it, bub. It's just you and me here.
ARASTOO: (Using his American accent). This mark here on the scapula suggests a puncture wound.
CAM: And it's barely a poke, right?
ARASTOO: It would've been painful, but no way it kills the guy. Here we see a bone laceration on the victim's proximal humerus adjacent to the greater tubercle.
Staining suggests that the injury occurred before he died.
CAM: Is that bone splintering?
ARASTOO: Yes, micro-fragments. I believe the laceration's the result of a blow from a reciprocating-type weapon.
CAM: Like?
ARASTOO: A saw. I asked Dr. Hodgins to swab for particulates that may have been transferred from the blade.
CAM: (She calls up images of the injury sites on a screen) Here... is the stab wound. And the laceration from the saw. Neither blow's anywhere near a major vein or artery.
ARASTOO: Neither blow explains the amount of blood on the pebbles. (HODGINS enters)
HODGINS: I ran a metal detector through all the crap we found at the bottom of the pit.
CAM: Crap?!
HODGINS: Yeah, technical term. (He holds up an evidence bag).
CAM: Bullet. Is that a .44 caliber?
HODGINS: Yep.
ARASTOO: (Reverting to fake accent). This seems to suggest, rather convincingly, The reason for all the blood. (CAM gives him an incredulous look).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - ANGELA's office. PARKER is playing a video game, BOOTH and ANGELA stand talking.)
BOOTH: Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second. You and Parker discussed my s*x life?
ANGELA: Well, we discussed your lack of s*x life.
BOOTH: Angela, neither you nor him, especially him, know anything about my s*x life.
ANGELA: Well, he knows that daddy ain't getting any, and he's concerned. He thinks you need a girlfriend... to have s*x.
BOOTH: He said that?
ANGELA: Well, his exact words were, "To s*x up." I think you need to talk to him honestly about your love life.
BOOTH: You kidding me? No offense, but I'm not talking about... (CAM enters).
CAM: Hey...
BOOTH: What?
CAM: Want to run our friendly neighborhood suburbanites through the National Gun Permit Database, see if any of them own a .44? Hodgins found that in the pit. (She hands BOOTH the bagged bullet).
PARKER: Hi, Dr. Saroyan. Do you have a boyfriend?
ANGELA: See? This is exactly how it started with me. (CAM looks puzzled and amused).
BOOTH: (Walking to PARKER). Come on. Let's go. Come on. I gotta get you back home, or your mom's gonna kill me, all right? (They turn to leave - he looks at PARKER's painted face). Let me see this stuff. (To ANGELA). Does this stuff come off?
ANGELA: Oh, seriously. That's your big worry right now?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Hoover Building. Int. interrogation room. ELLIOT sits at the table)
ELLIOT: I hate Verbena Court. Every last thing about it. It's artificial, (we see BOOTH stood opposite him), soulless... that's why I'm trying to sell out. It's ennui, Agent Booth, do you understand that?
BOOTH: Looks kind of nice to me. It's good for kids.
ELLIOT: They call it a cul-de-sac, but what it is is a dead end.
BOOTH: So why'd you move there in the first place?
ELLIOT: Wife wants kids; kids want lawns. I got snookered in the math. (We hear a knock at the door. An AGENT enters).
AGENT: (To BOOTH). Here you go. (The AGENT hands BOOTH a tagged gun and lays an evidence bag on the table).
BOOTH: (To ELLIOT). Right. (To AGENT). Thanks. (AGENT exits) Snookered enough, uh...to snap? (He lays the gun down in front of ELLIOT and picks up the evidence bag).
ELLIOT: So I own a handgun. So what? I have a license, it's registered.
BOOTH: (Showing ELLIOT the bagged bullet). We found this bullet in the pit with Bessette's body. We checked out his bank records. You wired $5000, into his account last month? (BOOTH sits).
ELLIOT: Verbena Court was built with a limited amount of phone lines. Bessette bought them all. I wanted to put in a second line.
BOOTH: Your neighbor charged you $5000, for a phone line?
ELLIOT: Yup. Then he spent the five grand on putting up the damn windmill.
BOOTH: Okay, so he rips you off for five grand, you snap and you shoot him.
ELLIOT: No. I should've shot him. It wasn't Kurt I shot, though. I shot the pig. The luau pig.
BOOTH: Excuse me?
ELLIOT: Bob Sayles and I found a farm in North Carolina and paid to hunt our own pig.
BOOTH: With a handgun?
ELLIOT: I'll give you the name of the farm. Porky walked right up to us. I popped him one between the eyes. I barfed, Bob cried. (He Chuckles). Suburban hunters. That's an oxymoron, my friend. It's an oxymoron.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building - SWEETS' office. SWEETS sits reading. CAM enters without knocking).
SWEETS: No, no, no, no, you can't just walk in here... (She sits across from him).
CAM: Arastoo Vaziri, our Muslim intern - he's been faking his accent. At first I go where everyone else goes, you know - terrorist.
SWEETS: Wouldn't a terrorist fake not having an accent?
CAM: Is it crazy or just weird? Weird, I can deal with, but crazy... (She stands and moves to leave).
SWEETS: Wait. What do you want me to do?
CAM: Oh, crazy is your department. (She exits).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Hoover Building Int. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter a corridor and continue walking).
BRENNAN: They went to a farm and shot an innocent pig in the head?
BOOTH: Look, it's not a Federal offense, Bones. There's nothing we can do about it now, okay? So let's just focus on the murdered human.
BRENNAN: Oh, Okay. So far... we have a nick on the scapula, suggesting stabbing and splintering on the humerus, which suggests sawing. But neither explains bleeding out.
BOOTH: Well, Sweets says he has something he'd like to share with us in the conference room.
BRENNAN: Why does he have to say "share"? Why can't he just say "show"?
BOOTH: Shhh, just... (They enter the conference room to see SWEETS resting against a chair. As they enter SWEETS rises). What do you have?
SWEETS: Hey. Hey. (He indicates a large pin board covered with pictures of Verbena Court and its residents). Suburbanites tend to put too much emphasis on their outward accomplishments. Now, this creates a sense of detachment. (Booth sits on the table).
BOOTH: Ennui.
SWEETS: Very insightful.
BOOTH: That's right.
SWEETS: All right. The inherent uniformity and shared ideals of a planned community suggest that the neighborhood can be psychologically analyzed as a single, dysfunctional personality.
BRENNAN: You mean you can look at it anthropologically?
SWEETS: Really? You're gonna shanghai my whole discipline?
BRENNAN: You're tapping into what anthropologists call "lines of influence, dominance and suasion."
BOOTH: Go on, Sweets. (To BRENNAN) Just let him go on.
SWEETS: So we can look at the community as a single dysfunctional personality, dealing with sexual infidelity, indebtedness, resentment...
BRENNAN: That's what I just said.
BOOTH: Both of you-- it's murder, okay? We're either dealing with money or s*x here.
SWEETS: Yeah, that's what I just said. And this is where psychology can provide an insight that anthropology cannot.
BRENNAN: I doubt that.
SWEETS: Well, suburbanites, uh... will not only lie to outsiders, they'll lie to each other and to themselves.
BRENNAN: What Sweets means is that societal norms endemic to the suburban acculturation dichotomize exterior postures and clandestine protocols. (BOOTH looks pained).
BOOTH: Just give me one thing that's gonna help me catch the murderer--just one thing.
SWEETS: All right, deal with these people as separate elements of one big collective personality. Identify the threat that Kurt Bessette posed to their psychological equanimity, and the killer will emerge.
BRENNAN: (Surprised). I agree.
BOOTH: Doesn't help me one bit. (He gets up and walks out BRENNAN and SWEETS follow).
SWEETS: Why?
BOOTH: (To BRENNAN). You seriously believe all that hoo-ha?
BRENNAN: Well, it's anthropology, so, yes.
SWEETS: Wrong "ology." Keep your grubby anthro hands off my psych.
BOOTH: Listen, Bones, I'll meet you down in the car in five minutes, okay? (He pulls SWEETS towards his office)
SWEETS: What? (BRENNAN exits).
BOOTH: Five minutes.
SWEETS: What? (They enter BOOTH's office and BOOTH closes the door).
BOOTH: Okay, look... Parker has been asking all the women that I work with to be my girlfriend.
SWEETS: Well, the women you work with are beautiful.
BOOTH: Don't turn this into a conversation about s*x, okay? My kid is eight years old here.
SWEETS: Parker's pre-adolescent, but he's very concerned with s*x.
BOOTH: What he's concerned about are shoes with wheels on 'em.
SWEETS: There are five stages of psychosexual development: oral, a**l...
BOOTH: Whoa! (BOOTH moves around his desk, SWEETS follows).
SWEETS: ...phallic latent and genital. Now Parker's transitioning from latent to genital. At the genital stage, he's learning to identify with his gender parent. That's you. He's looking at you to see his sexual future.
BOOTH: How do I get him to stop?
SWEETS: My advice is to let him see you interact with a woman.
BOOTH: Easy!
SWEETS: No, not sexually. Socially. Show him you're comfortable with women so he can learn to be the same way.
BOOTH: Okay. (He turns to leave).
SWEETS: Okay? Just like that? You're taking my advice?
BOOTH: No, I just don't want to talk to you about it anymore. (He exits. SWEETS moves to sit in BOOTH's chair).
SWEETS: Wait. This isn't my office.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. BOOTH is stood in the street. He is making notes entitled Motives and Alibis. We see him observe PAULA handing TREY a drink in her garden, JAMES and NATE potting a plant and BOB polishing his car while PAIGE sunbathes. BRENNAN approaches BOOTH).
BRENNAN: What are you doing? (He hands her a sheet of paper, she reads from it) "Alibis." Hmm, it's very organized. (She continues reading). "At the time of the murder, Mary Kay Sayles (BOOTH recites with her) was biking with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh."
BOOTH: I'm thinking gay guy and 'burb hater are out biking with church lady.
BRENNAN: Oh, so you're thinking they're a sexual threesome?
BOOTH: What? Wow. No. I was just thinking that one of these cyclists was having s*x with Kurt Bessette.
BRENNAN: Oh. So we should find out where churchy lady's husband and gay guy's boyfriend and 'burb hater's wife were at that time.
BOOTH: Hey, if this turns out to be some suburban-key-party-threesome-revenge-slaying, (A car arrives) it's gonna get complicated and I'm gonna get... (HODGINS exits the car and approaches them).
HODGINS: Hey, so I finally got through the particulates left behind by the saw. Three different organic remnants on the cut: a hooked thorn from the Bougainvillea glabra, a haw from a hybrid Crataegus monogyna and nectar from a Syringa protolaciniata. (He indicates three front yards). Each plant was from a different yard.
BRENNAN: But all on the same reciprocating saw.
HODGINS: Yeah.
BOOTH: Really, like that one that Casanova gardener boy is using? (They watch as TREY uses a reciprocating saw to prune a bush).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Hoover Building Int. interrogation room. BRENNAN sits across from TREY, BOOTH stands)
BOOTH: So, my question is, did you kill Kurt Bessette on your own volition or did his wife talk you into it?
TREY: What?
BRENNAN: Bessette was attacked with your hedge trimmer.
BOOTH: Come on. Young hot suburban gardener, bored suburban housewives.
BRENNAN: You're an ethnological trope.
TREY: What?
BOOTH: Come on, Trey. Iced tea is not the only perk here, is it?
TREY: Look, I had nothing going with Kurt Bessette's wife.
BOOTH: Let me make this a little easier for you, shall we? Ah...(BOOTH lays pictures of PAULA LINDBERGH, PAIGE SAYLES, MARY KAY SAYLES and KELLY BESSETTE on the table in front of TREY.) Which one of these people did you have something going with?
TREY: (Hesitates then touches the picture of PAIGE). Paige Sayles.
BRENNAN: Huh. The church lady's daughter.
TREY: She's 18, she's legal...and, plus, it was her idea.
BOOTH: And? (TREY smiles and turns the picture of PAULA so it faces BOOTH and BRENNAN).
BRENNAN: Paula Lindbergh-- I think she was trying to get pregnant so her husband would stay in the suburbs.
BOOTH: So, you mind being used as a stud horse?
TREY: Would you?
BOOTH: Do these women know about each other?
TREY: Not from me.
BOOTH: Then from who?
TREY: Mr. Bessette caught me and Mrs. Lindbergh sloshing up her hot tub.
BRENNAN: Where were you between the hours of 5:00 am and 8:00 am the morning of the luau?
TREY: I've got a girlfriend. I mean, back in my neighborhood. A real one who I love. I was with her.
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. A corridor. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter through a door).
BOOTH: Wow. That cul-de-sac is like a s*x camp.
BRENNAN: What? There's a s*x camp?
BOOTH: No, no, no - listen, what were your anthropological lines again?
BRENNAN: Influence, dominance and suasion.
BOOTH: Okay, look, we both know that the murder victim wasn't above shaking someone down for a phone line, so maybe he finds out that Paula Lindbergh is trying to make babies with the gardener; he puts the squeeze on her, she kills him and Casanova gardener boy helps out.
BRENNAN: That definitely fits the paradigm.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Verbena Court Int. the LINDBERGH home. PAULA is sat in her sitting room).
PAULA: I was afraid this would come up when I heard you took Trey in for questioning. (We see BOOTH and BRENNAN sitting on the couch opposite).
BOOTH: You were right. So start talking.
PAULA: I should never have made Elliot move to the suburbs. In a way, I emasculated him.
BRENNAN: (To BOOTH). Oh, God. She's a therapist. She talks like a therapist.
PAULA: What? You remove a man from an environment where he flourishes to a place where he feels impotent, he actually becomes impotent.
BOOTH: Look, if you wanted a baby so bad, why didn't you just move back to the city?
PAULA: We owe more on this house than it's worth. And even if Elliot could sell it, we're stuck financially.
BRENNAN: What happened when Kurt Bessette found you with the gardener?
PAULA: Nothing. He smirked.
BOOTH: Did Kurt threaten to tell your husband or blackmail you?
PAULA: Oh, no. He wouldn't dare.
BRENNAN: Why not?
PAULA: Wait, you think that Kurt told my husband about the gardener, and so Elliot killed him? Elliot puked when he shot a pig. Please.
BRENNAN: Interlocking lines of suasion between members of the collective result in multiple duplicities.
PAULA: Oh, my God. She's an anthropologist. She talks like an anthropologist.
BOOTH: Just answer the question.
BRENNAN: Why wouldn't Kurt Bessette dare tell your husband about the gardener?
PAULA: I'm a trained therapist. I looked at Kurt and Paige talking on the street. I knew immediately that their relationship was clandestine. Probably sexual. Kurt Bessette was sleeping with that 18 year old girl. I used that knowledge to ask for our five grand back for the phone. Kurt wouldn't have agreed if it weren't true. If I were you, I'd be looking at Paige's father for this murder, not my Elliot.
PAIGE: (Voice off screen) Hey, Dad! (Through the window BOOTH and BRENNAN see PAIGE approach BOB outside, he sprays her with his hose, she squeals). I'm going to kill you!
BOB: That never gets old.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Verbena Court Int. the SAYLES home. PAIGE is drying off with a towel).
PAIGE: Okay, yeah, Kurt and I hooked up. (We see BOOTH and BRENNAN stood with her). I'm of age. He didn't break any laws sleeping with me.
BOOTH: So, what did you see in him?
PAIGE: Kurt wasn't like the other guys from here. He wasn't just cute, he was committed to the environment, saving our planet. People hated him because he made them feel ashamed that they weren't doing more.
BRENNAN: Well, I think what they hated was the windmill.
BOOTH: You know, it's possible having s*x with you killed him.
PAIGE: No, Kurt was in awesome shape.
BOOTH: No, I didn't mean that you gave him a heart attack. What I meant was, it's possible that someone who cares about you killed him.
PAIGE: Like my Dad, you mean?
BRENNAN: Or Trey the gardener.
PAIGE: But they didn't even know about Kurt.
BOOTH: Well... what if they did?
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Hoover Building Int. SWEETS' office. ARASTOO is sitting opposite SWEETS).
ARASTOO: (Using his fake accent). Is this an official FBI investigation? Do I need some kind of representation?
SWEETS: Yeah, the whole accent thing - it's kind of out in the world.
ARASTOO: (Reverts to American accent). I figured.
SWEETS: This place, the Jeffersonian - they see things in very black-and-white terms.
ARASTOO: Comes with the gig. We're scientists.
SWEETS: Yeah, but unlike any of them, you're religious.
ARASTOO: Muslim.
SWEETS: Now, this man I see in front of me right now - rational, pragmatic, highly intelligent. That man might have to explain his religion to people like that every single day. Whereas...
ARASTOO: Whereas a kid from the sticks of Iran, newly arrived in the West, it's no wonder he clings to his cultural superstitions.
SWEETS: There you go. Frustrating enough to drive a guy to fake an accent. Which, in my professional opinion, is not crazy.
ARASTOO: You're a pretty smart guy.
SWEETS: But I don't need a scientist to tell me who or what I am. And neither should you, Mr. Vaziri. Thanks for coming by.
ARASTOO: Thank you. (They stand and shake hands).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian Int. Medical-Legal lab - CAM's office. We see some analysis on a computer screen).
CAM: (Voice off screen).Tox screen came back positive for potassium nitrate, (We see CAM sat at the computer, she is talking on her speakerphone) which can be prescribed for high blood pressure... (Cut to BOOTH and BRENNAN in BOOTH's car. CAM's voice is heard over the car phone). ...but Kurt Bessette was in very good shape. (The scene cuts between CAM's office and BOOTH's car throughout the conversation).
BRENNAN: Yes, we heard that from his teenage girlfriend.
BOOTH: Enough to kill the guy?
CAM: Nope. He might have experienced some muscle weakness, but otherwise saltpeter is fairly harmless.
BOOTH: Saltpeter is not harmless, okay? I went to Catholic school.
CAM: That's a total myth, Booth.
BRENNAN: No, Booth did actually go to a Catholic school.
BOOTH: No, no, no, the nuns-- used to put saltpeter in all the boys' milk at lunch so that we couldn't get... So we could concentrate without... You know! Ping?
BRENNAN: But how could you tell that it was in the boys' milk and not the girls'?
BOOTH: 'Cause the boys' milk was always frothier.
CAM: And did it work?
BOOTH: Well, not on me.
BRENNAN: Well, it didn't work on anyone, Booth. Why people insist upon believing that old wives' tale in the face of all evidence, I'll never understand. Saltpeter acts as a blood thinner.
BOOTH: See? Thin blood could stop a guy from...
CAM: We've been saying that the two wounds we found on the victim's body wouldn't be enough for him to bleed out... BRENNAN: But with saltpeter, he could have bled internally from even minor soft tissue damage.
CAM: We'd never have seen the evidence of that after he cooked.
BOOTH: We got probable cause of death.
BRENNAN: Now we just need to find out who fed Kurt Bessette the saltpeter.
CAM: I think you'll want to talk to the cheating b*st*rd's wife.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. The interrogation room. KELLY BESSETTE sits at the table).
KELLY BESSETTE: I begged Kurt to stop cheating on me. I did everything I could in the bedroom to make him stay. I changed my hair. I went to the gym. But when I went to work every day, it was a "cat's away, mice play" situation. (We see BOOTH and BRENNAN sat opposite her. BOOTH is leaning away from the table).
BRENNAN: Where'd you get the saltpeter?
KELLY BESSETTE: Oh. Um... Nate and James have stump remover. And that's 98% saltpeter. I figured that might be enough to remove Kurt's stump from her garden.
BOOTH: (Leaning forwards). Who else knew he was cheating?
KELLY BESSETTE: Nobody. Unless her husband found out.
BRENNAN: Husband? (Whispering to BOOTH) Kurt Bessette was sleeping with the church lady, too?
BOOTH: Do you think her husband is capable of murder?
KELLY BESSETTE: Bob? No. He's just a big dumb-ass knob who thinks Verbena Court is Heaven.
BRENNAN: (Whispering to BOOTH). That was before he knew the neighbor was having s*x with both his wife and his daughter.
BOOTH: (BOOTH opens a folder to cover his mouth from KELLY BESSETTE, and whispers to BRENNAN). I don't care how big of a dumb-ass Bob Sayles is. He finds that out, he's going to want to kill her husband. (He closes the folder).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. The interrogation room. MARY KAY SAYLES sits at the table).
MARY KAY: How did you find out about me and Kurt? (We see BOOTH sat opposite). Only the two of us knew and, and Kurt's dead.
BOOTH: You were not the only person that Kurt Bessette was sleeping with.
MARY KAY: You mean, aside from his wife? So I wasn't his only... Well, who? Who else?
BOOTH: He was sleeping with your daughter Paige. (She looks shocked). You can understand why you're a suspect here.
MARY KAY: Yes. People kill out of jealousy. I guess it won't matter if I deny it.
BOOTH: Uh, but you're not our prime suspect. You see, you have an alibi. You were out biking with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh.
MARY KAY: So you think Kelly found out and killed her own husband? (BOOTH looks doubtful). Paige? My God, she's only 18... (BOOTH looks doubtful again). You think my Bob found out and killed Kurt? (BOOTH nods).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian Int. Medical-Legal lab - The bone room. CAM, ANGELA and HODGINS are stood around the light table where the victim's bones are laid).
HODGINS: I found evidence of a homogenous mixture of oily and waxy long-chain, which are non-polar hydrocarbons in, uh, this fracture of the skull.
CAM: Can't you just say lubricant? Isn't that much quicker?
ANGELA: Arastoo must be finished looking at the mini-fractures in that area, right? Where is he? (ARASTOO enters).
ARASTOO: (In his regular American accent) Sorry. Sorry, I just finished morning prayers. (He walks behind the others and moves to stand in front of the big screen with his back to them. ANGELA and HODGINS look at him with shocked expressions). Skull fracture is located high on the frontal bone, right on the midline... HODGINS: Whoa!
ANGELA: Who are you?
ARASTOO: (He turns to face them). I don't have an accent. I was faking it. But I am devout. I do pray five times a day. Now can we get back to work, please?
ANGELA: Oh, no. Definitely not.
HODGINS: How do we know you're not faking this accent?
ANGELA: Does Brennan know about this?
CAM: Yes. (She nods). She doesn't care. (ANGELA looks unbelieving). She doesn't care.
ARASTOO: (Turning back to the screen). The midline fracture...
HODGINS: N n n n n n n n nooo.
CAM: Arastoo, things will go a lot faster if you just explain.
ARASTOO: When I speak as though I just got off the boat, people accept my religious convictions. Plus, fewer terrorist jokes. I don't know why.
HODGINS: 'Cause they're afraid of you.
ANGELA: You are so gonna to pay for this.
HODGINS: Yeah.
ARASTOO: I have no doubt that is true. Now, (He turns back to the screen). This wound has a distinctive curve shape to it.
CAM: (CAM moves to join ARASTOO at the screen). It doesn't look very severe. Corresponding micro fractures to the posterior cranium indicate that Kurt was hit while resting his head on a hard surface.
ANGELA: So, a weak blow that was delivered when Kurt was already on the ground?
HODGINS: There's a concrete base on the wind turbine.
CAM: Bob Sayles is a big, burly man.
HODGINS: Yeah, but he's a decent guy.
ANGELA: Well, what does that have to do with it?
HODGINS: Decent guys, you know. They have a harder time hitting a guy when they're already down on the ground.
ARASTOO: So, not a weak blow, a half-hearted one?
ANGELA: This mark here could be congruent with a golf club. (She points to the skull on the table). It's curved and metallic. I could run up an image.
HODGINS: Most clubs have abrazing composition to secure the titanium alloy that's on the club head. I can check on that.
CAM: So a reciprocating saw, a golf-club with some lubricant. That just leaves the puncture weapon unidentified.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building. BOOTH and BRENNAN are walking from the elevator).
BOOTH: It takes a village, Bones.
BRENNAN: Uh, I, I beg your pardon?
BOOTH: A village to raise a kid properly. You know, it takes a village.
BRENNAN: But metaphorically; it doesn't mean we all must grow up in hamlets of 800 people or less. (He takes a file handed to him by a coworker as he passes her desk).
BOOTH: Thanks, um... Will you be my village?
BRENNAN: Huh?
BOOTH: I-I need Parker to know that I lead a full and rewarding life.
BRENNAN: But you don't.
BOOTH: What? Yes, I do.
BRENNAN: No, you don't. You work too much, you don't socialize, all of which prevents you from having a full s*x life.
BOOTH: Okay, please, let's just take a hint from, you know, the suburbs and just make it look good. (They enter the snack room. BOOTH looks at the file he took).
BRENNAN: You want to know if I'll help you fool your son into thinking your life is gratifying?
BOOTH: Yeah. Will you do it?
BRENNAN: Well, uh how?
BOOTH: Come to dinner with us. Have fun. Laugh at my jokes.
BRENNAN: That might actually turn out to be fun, thus becoming a self-fulfilling desire. (We assume BOOTH has poured himself coffee as he now holds a mug).
BOOTH: Right. So, you'll do it?
BRENNAN: Yes, I will be your hamlet of 800 people or less.
BOOTH: My village.
BRENNAN: I was being amusing. You should laugh at my jokes, too.
BOOTH: I'm laughing on the inside. (SWEETS enters and stands in the doorway).
SWEETS: Hey, so I just told Bob Sayles that both his wife and daughter were having s*x with Kurt Bessette.
BOOTH: Was he shocked?
SWEETS: Yeah, and he wasn't faking it. (BRENNAN and BOOTH exit the snack room).
BRENNAN: Well, you shouldn't say that like it's a fact. (SWEETS, BRENNAN and BOOTH walk together along the corridor).
SWEETS: In my opinion, his dismay was genuine. However, it's difficult to say whether the shock was due to the sexual revelations or if we discovered information he was keeping secret.
BRENNAN: I appreciate the distinction. (They stop outside a door, BRENNAN goes inside).
BOOTH: Hold on to that for a second. (He passes SWEETS his mug. BOOTH follows BRENNAN through the door).
(Cut to: Int. The Hoover Building - The interrogation room. BOB SAYLES sits at the table).
BOB: You do the best you can, you know? You go to work, you bring home the bacon, you raise a daughter. Either of you got daughters? (We see BRENNAN at the table opposite BOB. BOOTH stands).
BOOTH: Mm-mm. (BOOTH shakes his head).
BOB: Well, that's the trip, man - daughters. I was so worried about Paige and that gardener kid, I didn't see what was happening with Kurt. But, I mean, what do you do, preach abstinence? Doesn't work in Alaska; why would it work on Verbena Court?
BOOTH: Did you suspect anything about your wife?
BOB: I gotta confess... (BRENNAN and BOOTH share a look). If I'd have known any of that, I'd have killed the son of a bitch, bare hands. And there's not a jury in this country that would convict me, either.
BRENNAN: That is untrue. They most certainly would have convicted you.
BOOTH: You don't have an alibi?
BOB: I was home alone, sleeping in, after getting that pig pit all dug and ready and lit.
How can Mary Kay do this to me. I've been a good husband, good provider. I took two jobs.
BRENNAN: Two jobs? We only have you down as a CPA for an airline.
BOB: Yeah, well, me and Kurt started a side business on the Internet.
BOOTH: You and Kurt Bessette had a business together?
BOB: Yep. It was going good, too.
BRENNAN: Can you continue the business without him?
BOB: Nah. No way. He was the entrepreneur. I just handled the books.
BOOTH: What kind of business was it?
BOB: The only kind that's recession-proof.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Verbena Court - Int. the SAYLES' garage. The space is full of shelves stacked with boxes and packages. Several life-size blow-up dolls are visible. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter).
BRENNAN: s*x toys.
BOOTH: Guy goes into the s*x toy business with another guy, (He picks up a red riding crop from a display). who commences to nail his wife... (He swishes the crop). and daughter. Probably using some of the merchandise here to double the fun, huh, Bones? (He swishes the crop again. We see a box labeled "Love Lube") Bones, looks like we found the lubricant. (He shows her a bottle).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - An examination room. The boxes and packages from the SAYLES' garage are stacked around the room. Two blow-up dolls are laid out on light tables. CAM enters. ANGELA and ARASTOO are looking through the items).
CAM: Oh... my God. Please tell me this has something to do with the case.
ARASTOO: This comprises the contents of the Sayles' family garage.
ANGELA: Brennan asked me and Arastoo to look for possible murder weapons. We did find the lube - it's enough to make the whole neighborhood smile. And there's this. (She holds up a leather and metal harness).
CAM: Well, that looks... scary. (HODGINS enters).
HODGINS: Wasn't a golf club. No brazing agent or titanium.
ANG: Could it have been this? (She shows him an open box, he looks inside)
HODGINS: Oh. Ouch.
CAM: What about this lubricant? (Indicating the box of lubricant BOOTH found).
HODGINS: No, it's not the right lube. (He refers to a file he is carrying). The lubricant in the fracture contains hexane silicone, mineral oil and propellant. Same kind used to lubricate a bicycle chain. (Arastoo looks around the room he spots a pointed weapon).
ARASTOO: I think I found the weapon. (He holds up a Neighborhood Watch sign attached to a spike) This point matches the puncture wound.
CAM: There's one of those signs on every lawn on the cul-de-sac.
HODGINS: Bob Sayles was the head of the Neighborhood Watch. He's the one that distributed signs.
CAM: Huh. You're gonna need to luminal every sign on Verbena Court.
ANGELA: You're gonna tell me to stop looking through all of this stuff now, aren't you?
CAM: I'm afraid so. I'll go tell Booth about the lube. (CAM and HODGINS exit via opposite doors).
ANGELA: Spoilsport. Finding likely murder weapons way too fast. (She throws him the box she showed HODGINS earlier, he catches it instinctively then sees what it is and drops it quickly looking embarrassed).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. BRENNAN watches the activity in the street. HODGINS has a lawn sign and sprays its spike with what we assume is luminal).
BRENNAN: Any blood, Hodgins? (HODGINS shakes his head. HODGINS and an FBI Technician continue lifting signs from lawns and spraying them. PAULA stands watching HODGINS. MARY KAY is on her driveway working on her bicycle. BOOTH appears).
BOOTH: (To HODGINS). Nothing? (HODGINS shakes his head. We see JAMES and NATE, JAMES begins cycling. ELLIOT is also setting off on his bicycle. TREY comes to stand with PAIGE who is watching the scene. HODGINS sprays the BESSETTE's sign as KELLY BESSETTE leaves her house).
HODGINS: Booth.
BOOTH: Yeah?
HODGINS: We're testing positive for blood here. Someone stabbed him with his own sign. (KELLY BESSETTE looks shocked, JAMES and ELLIOT stop cycling. BOOTH and BRENNAN - now stood together - see MARY KAY, the metal cleat on the sole of her shoe is visible).
BRENNAN: Curved, metallic object I thought might be a golf club, her shoes. (MARY KAY sprays her bicycle chain from a can).
BOOTH: Silicone lubricant.
BRENNAN: (Approaching MARY KAY).You kicked Kurt Bessette in the head while he was lying in the pebbles. (JAMES - now on foot approaches MARY KAY, ELLIOT, still on his bike watches).
BOOTH: You were with James Perry and Elliot Lindbergh that morning.
BRENNAN: The three of you each gave him a separate blow. Any one of you could have taken the saw from the gardener's truck.
BOOTH: And the sign from his lawn.
JAMES: We have alibis.
BOOTH: You're each other's alibis. All three of you were together at the time of death.
BRENNAN: Your alibi just turned into an anti-alibi. (ELLIOT makes a break for it on his bicycle).
BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (BOOTH drags ELLIOT off his bike and pushes him onto the hood of a car as he tries to cycle away). Take these three into custody, please. (Two uniformed officers approach MARY KAY and JAMES).
OFFICER 1: Yes, sir!
OFFICER 2: Got it!
OFFICER 1: Hands behind your back now.
OFFICER 2: Right now! Let's go! (PAULA, PAIGE, TREY, NATE and KELLY BESSETTE look on as the three are arrested).
(Cut to: Ext. Verbena Court. SWEETS stands on the sidewalk facing BOOTH and BRENNAN who lean back against a parked car).
BRENNAN: Three separate injuries to the body and... three suspects.
BOOTH: Access to the luau pit.
BRENNAN: The evidence indicates that we caught the murderers.
SWEETS: Yeah, I believe you did catch the right people.
BOOTH: Okay, then what's your problem?
SWEETS: Motive.
BRENNAN: James Perry was angry that Kurt poisoned the dog. Elliot Lindbergh was ripped off for $5000.
SWEETS: Right. My problem is, all these motives were a long time cooking, right? These weapons - a sign, the hedge trimmers, kicking him - all suggest...heat of the moment, right? Not premeditation.
BOOTH: So you want to know why they all snapped at that precise moment.
SWEETS: Yeah, yeah. Now, picture it. (He moves to stand in the street, BOOTH and BRENNAN turn to face him). It's dawn; three cyclists are heading out. (He points to where they would have come from). They spot Kurt. (He points to KURT's yard). They approach him for some reason. They argue, and then, with all this pent-up rage, they attack. One slice, one jab, one kick.
BRENNAN: They didn't know that he was full of the blood thinner, that he would die from the assault. Why does this matter? We already have the people responsible.
SWEETS: 'Cause it's knowledge, Dr. Brennan. It's insight into humans. It's why I do what I do.
BOOTH: It's a good answer, Bones.
BRENNAN: It was a good answer. Fine. Okay, Kurt must have violated some ethos of the suburbs.
BOOTH: Like cheating on his wife or ripping off his neighbors.
SWEETS: Those are all accepted derivations of the suburban ethos.
BRENNAN: Cam said that one of her neighbors had his garage burned down for cutting his lawn on the diagonal. (We suddenly become aware of a loud squeaking noise coming from the wind turbine. They all stare up at it).
BRENNAN: The windmill.
SWEETS: It was the last straw. It's ugly, makes a horrible sound, destroys home values... BOOTH: It's the diagonal lawn of Verbena Court.
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Int. Medical-Legal lab - The mezzanine. HODGINS pours a glass of clear liquid from a conical flask. He moves to offer the drink to ARASTOO who sits with CAM and ANGELA on the sofas).
HODGINS: Okay, this is basically vodka with a very, very subtle hint of pepper.
ARASTOO: (He waves the glass away). None for me. (HODGINS sits and hands the drink to ANGELA).
CAM: Okay, it's technically illegal moonshine, but we are scientists honing our craft.
ARASTOO: I don't drink alcohol.
ANGELA: Okay, let's have it.
ARASTOO: Have what?
HODGINS: How do you balance an archaic religious belief with a life devoted to science?
ARASTOO: This discussion is exactly what I hoped to avoid.
CAM: It's not our fault you let the accent slip.
ARASTOO: There's no conflict between Allah and science. Allah created the mystery of the world, and science struggles, and mostly fails, to explain it. But the search for truth is honorable, and I honor Allah through the search for truth.
HODGINS: I get that. But what's with the "Kill the infidel" routine?
ARASTOO: It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.
ANGELA: Well, "Fight and slay the unbeliever."
ARASTOO: I prefer the other option, which is to enslave the unbeliever. (CAM and ANGELA look shocked). It's a joke.
CAM: Ha.
HODGINS: That was funny.
ARASTOO: Is this part done?
CAM: Not quite. I have one more question. (She rises holding an empty glass). If you took the all-time greatest Celtics players and put them against the all-time greatest Lakers, who would win? (She goes to the conical flask and pours herself a drink).
ARASTOO: Including the years when the Lakers played in Minneapolis? (CAM nods). Definitely the Celtics.
HODGINS: Okay, I got one, I got one. Pit the all-time greatest Christians against the all-time greatest Muslims. (As CAM returns to her seat she slaps HODGINS on the back of the head).
ANGELA: (Laughing) Oh, you just got smote.
HODGINS: Wow. (They all laugh).
[SCENE_BREAK]
(Cut to: Int. Royal Diner. BOOTH and BRENNAN sit at a table opposite PARKER they all have plates of food and drinks).
BOOTH: This is fun. Isn't it fun?
BRENNAN: Yes. I'm having fun. (Whispering to BOOTH) Is he?
BOOTH: (BOOTH holds his drink in front of him to hide his face from PARKER. Whispering to BRENNAN). Bones, you can ask him yourself. (We see PARKER's face has marks where ANGELA's face paints have not washed away).
BRENNAN: (To PARKER). Hey. Are you having fun?
PARKER: Milk shakes are fun, and I'm having a milk shake. (He holds up his glass). So, yeah, I'm having fun.
BRENNAN: That's an excellent syllogism.
PARKER: She thinks I'm silly?
BRENNAN: What-what's wrong?
PARKER: He needs a girlfriend.
BRENNAN: Well, why doesn't he have one?
PARKER: I don't know. That's another thing we can't talk about until I have hair under my arms.
BOOTH: Hey, I got a good idea. What do you say we all go bowling, get out of here, huh?
PARKER: Couldn't you be his girlfriend?
BOOTH: Buddy, you really gotta quit that.
BRENNAN: That would be inappropriate.
PARKER: Why?
BRENNAN: Because... (She pauses). ...we work together.
PARKER: That's a stupid reason.
BOOTH: (Hiding his face with his drink and whispering). You know what? Bones, I'm really not comfortable with the questions that you're asking.
BRENNAN: (Also hiding her face with her drink and whispering) Booth, could you maybe trust me for a second, trust that I can say the right thing? In the time that I've been with you, I've learned a lot about how to deal with people. (To PARKER). Your father is very, very good with people.
PARKER: Then why doesn't he have a girlfriend?
BOOTH: And we're off. (BRENNAN glares at him). Okay. All right, all right.
BRENNAN: Can I ask you a question? Why do you think your father needs a girlfriend so much?
BOOTH: (Hiding his face again). Okay, look, Bones, there's a whole gender-parent dealy-bob thing going on here. You're just going to confuse him.
PARKER: So I can have a pool.
BRENNAN: He doesn't sound confused.
BOOTH: A pool?
PARKER: Lasky's dad got a pool with his girlfriend. Oh, you mean Lasky with the, uh, third nostril?
PARKER: Lasky's dad got a girlfriend. Then, they got married and moved to a house with a pool. Maybe, if you got married, you'd move to a house with a pool that I could swim in.
BRENNAN: Well, he seems extremely clear on why he wants you to get a girlfriend. I don't know why you didn't just ask him.
BOOTH: So, the whole reason you wanted me to get a girlfriend was so that you could have a pool?
PARKER: Mm-hmm. Why else would I care?
BRENNAN: There is a pool in my building... (She starts removing a key from her key chain). ...that the two of you can use as my guests anytime. (She places the key on the table. BOOTH takes it).
PARKER: Awesome. That's awesome, right, Dad?
BRENNAN: No, not awesome. Simple Socratic method of solving a problem.
BOOTH: Nope. Mm-mm, Parker is right. You're awesome, Bones.
BRENNAN: Yeah. I'm awesome. (PARKER nods.) Cheers. (BRENNAN raises her glass and PARKER clinks his own against hers).
END.
Plan: A: The team; Q: Who investigates the remains that were found in a barbecue pit? A: a suburban neighborhood block party; Q: What was the barbecue pit used for? A: Iranian intern Arastoo; Q: Who confesses to everyone that he has been faking his accent? A: Parker; Q: What is Booth's son's name? Summary: The team investigates the remains that were found in a barbecue pit during a suburban neighborhood block party, leading to several secrets about the residents in the neighborhood being exposed. Iranian intern Arastoo confesses to everyone that he has been faking his accent and explains why he did so. Booth's son Parker seems concerned that his dad does not have a girlfriend.