(Door opens)
(Door closes)
Lina: Hey.
Working late again?
Russ: Uh, yeah.
Lina: It's kind of really late.
Russ: Yup, I was, uh... just working on some of my own stuff.
Lina: Hmm.
Russ: Yeah.
Lina: Cool.
Russ: Mm-hmm. Um, how are you, how are the girls?
Lina: I spent my evening pulling sh1t out of a dog's ass.
Russ: Oh, for fun?
Russ: Or...
Lina: His a**l glands were compacted. How was your day?
Russ: Like pulling sh1t out of a dog's ass.
Ella: Your wife is rude.
Russ: Tell me about it. You know, she wasn't always this rude. Like, before you were born, she was actually kind of cool.
Ella: What happened?
Russ: We broke her. And now we are all paying for it.
Ella: She's refusing to get me a Halloween costume.
Russ: Really?
Ella: Really.
Russ: That is rude.
Lina: Are you freaking kidding me? That's what she said, that I refused?
Russ: Yes.
Lina: First she wants to be a bee, then she wants to be a hippie, now she wants to be a pirate. How many costumes am I supposed to buy?
Russ: So just buy her the pirate costume.
Lina: You buy her the pirate costume.
Russ: I can't, I have AJ's thing tomorrow.
Lina: I have lunch with Eva.
Russ: Eva's in town?
Lina: Really?
Russ: What?
Lina: I told you, like, 17 times last week that my best friend was coming to town for a week and that she has one window that she can see me for lunch and it's tomorrow and I'm gonna drive half the day to do it.
Russ: So, uh, what do you want to do about the pirate costume?
Lina: If I buy it, she won't appreciate it.
Lina: I should get it for her.
Russ: Oh, get it, don't get it... I don't care. Sorry.
(Door closes)
Yeah, yeah, I got AJ into this very cool facility.
Shepard: Very good.
Russ: 'Cause that guy Russ: could use a vacation.
Shepard: Yeah.
Russ: Couldn't we all? Hi.
Jess: Hi. Mwah. Uh, you forgot to buy toilet paper again.
Shepard: (Soft chuckle) Well, then you forgot to remind me again.
Jess: Okay, well, maybe that's because one of us has a job and the other one doesn't.
Shepard: Okay, you know, I love when you emasculate me in front of company.
Jess: Okay.
Shepard: Do some more, Shepard: do some more.
Jess: No, I'm sorry for you, I really am. One minute.
Shepard: Hmm.
Russ: Good times.
Shepard: You have any idea what time you'll be back?
Jess: No.
Jess: I have work drinks tonight.
Shepard: Okay, you got work drinks. I got you, you got work drinks. She has drinks every night and then I end up eating supper alone with the nanny.
Russ: Does Victoria speak English or...?
Shepard: You know what, I'm not really sure. She seems to smile and she laughs on cue. 'Cause, really, what more do I need?
Russ: Oh, sounds fun. sh1t. Hey.
AJ: Bagels, anyone?
Jess: Oh, man.
Russ: You don't look packed.
AJ: Come on, come inside.
(Russ sighs)
My assistant's coming by later. She's on it.
Jess: No, not later. No, no, no, we don't have all day to do this.
Russ: Yeah, dude, come on. We took off work for this.
AJ: Oh, man, you think they got bagels in the big house?
Russ: You're not going to jail.
Jess (Chuckling): Jesus.
AJ: Oh, jail, rehab. Same sh1t.
Russ: Look, I know this is hard, okay? But you got to get your suitcase, all right? We got to go.
AJ: How about I go tomorrow, and the three of us just kick it today? I have all these drugs... huh? We should go through them so they're not here when I get back. I don't need that temptation, you know?
Russ: We got to get this moving here, okay, so can you go get packed? Please?
AJ: You're a buzzkill. Fine.
(Phone rings)
Russ: Hey.
Lina: How's it going?
Russ: I'm helping a grown man pack.
Lina: I help you pack all the time.
Russ: That must be why you hate me.
Lina: I hate you?
Lately it seems like you hate me.
Russ: What?
I don't... that's crazy.
Lina: Anyway, look, I think I want to get Ella the pirate costume.
Russ: I thought you said she won't appreciate it.
Lina: She won't, but she's almost 12, and I feel like this is the last Halloween she'll trick-or-treat with the family.
Russ: Right, okay.
Lina: Can you do it, because by the time I get over the hill I won't have time.
Russ: I...
Sure. Sure.
Lina: I have to go, Eva's here. Later
Russ: Okay, bye.
(Lina laughs)
Eva: Oh, my gosh.
Lina: How are you?
Eva: It's good to see you.
Lina: You, too.
Eva: How's things, how's everything with Russ?
Lina: Well, they've been better.
Russ: So, what kind of work drinks do you have tonight?
(Jess laughs)
So full of sh1t.
Jess: I don't have work drink.
(Fake chuckle)
It's a Halloween party in the hills.
Russ: (Laughs) Yeah, he said you've been going out a lot lately.
Jess: I'm not doing anything shady, I'm just going out and having fun and dancing. Shep falls asleep every night at 9:00 p.m. in front of the TV. Oh, you never go out? You're so good, right, you're perfect?
Russ: No.
Jess: God, let me get a closer look at you; you are perfect.
Russ: I did not say that. I'm in the same exact boat. Some nights I go out with the kids from the, uh, store. You know, we go to the bar and I tell Lina that I'm working on my designs. And the truth is I haven't worked on any of my own sh1t in months.
Jess: Sometimes you need to lie.
Russ: Yeah. What is taking him so long? Seriously. He said he'd be right out.
Jess: He lied.
Russ: AJ, let's go.
(Heavy scraping)
(Knocking)
AJ.
Jess: Hello?
(Groans)
Russ: Oh, son of a bitch.
AJ!
Hey, come on! What are you doing?!
Jess: We have a runner.
Russ: Come on! I don't need this sh1t.
Russ: (Groans) This is so annoying. I can't believe he just did this.
Jess: You know what, though, he's not gonna get very far without the keys.
Russ: That is true.
Jess: Yeah. That was very well done on your part.
Jess: Yeah. You know, it's actually this trick that I used to do, like, with all of the addicts that I've dated.
Russ: You did date a lot of addicts.
Jess: Yeah, it's kind of my type.
Russ: I can't believe you ended up with Shep. He's so straight.
Jess: Yeah, well, I needed someone to take the wheel. Which is exactly why you and I could never be together.
8Russ: Yeah, we're looking for our friend to take him to rehab while we smoke a joint.
Jess: That's a bad... (Chuckles) that's a bad couple.
Russ: That is a bad couple.
Jess: Or such a cool couple.
Russ: Is that him? That's him right there. Pull over. Pull over right here.
AJ: I just wanted to say good-bye to my favorite barista.
Jess: Yeah. No, he's really gonna miss you.
AJ: I tip really well. He is really gonna miss me.
Russ: Just get in the car.
AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha.
Jess: No.
Russ: Just get in the car.
AJ: Let my guy make you a mocha, Come on.
Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.
AJ: Fine. Fine.
Jess: Nobody wants a mocha.
AJ: Fine. It's your loss. He makes the best mocha.
Jess: Okay.
Lina: We're not connecting anymore, you know? And by the end of the day, when we finally all...
Eva: Oh, my God. like... Lina, I am so sorry. I just have to have a quick cup of coffee with Parker here. Look, it'll just... it'll... it'll take a couple minutes.
Lina: Oh.
Parker: Sorry to interrupt.
Lina: Okay... Sure. Do you want me to move?
[SCENE_BREAK]
AJ: What the hell is this? Am I rehabbing at a Dollar Store?
Russ: No, I just got to do some shopping. I got to get Ella a pirate costume.
AJ: Guys, maybe rehab isn't the answer for me.
Russ: Dude.
Jess: You're going to rehab.
AJ: Do I have a private room?
Russ: Yes.
AJ: Do I have a private bathroom?
Russ: Yes.
AJ: I wonder if I get a bidet 'cause I like to be clean.
Jess: (Groans) No. All right, well, what size pirate is she?
Russ: Uh, I don't have any idea. She's almost 12, so...
Jess: She is?
Russ: Yeah.
Jess: God.
Russ: I know. I think this is the last year that she's gonna trick-or-treat with us.
Jess: Oh. Did she have her period yet?
Russ: No, don't, okay? I don't know. The doctor said it could be any minute.
Jess: Ooh, you're gonna get those boobs and pubes in your house.
Russ: Stop it, okay? I can't even get my head around that.
Jess: Here we go. Look. You're done. Pirate.
Russ: What is that?
Jess: And you're welcome. It's a pirate costume.
Russ: No, it's a sexy pirate.
AJ: It's a slutty pirate.
Russ: I just said she's 12. That's way too much, Jess.
AJ: That's a dirty, dirty pirate.
Jess: I'm sorry, but this is L.A. This is what kids wear.
AJ: A pirate that dresses like that has daddy issues.
Russ: Yeah. Why are there no classy pirate costumes here? She's just gonna have to be the bee or the hippie, I guess.
AJ: I just had a thought. What if Caitlin grows up to be a slutty pirate? What if I'm one of these whore-making dads?
Russ: No. You're... You're a good dad, okay? She's gonna be fine.
AJ: Right. That's why I got to stay home and I got to take care of my kid, 'cause I'm a good dad.
Jess: No.
Russ: No, that's not what I said. You're gonna go to rehab so that you can become a better dad.
AJ: Right. A better dad.
Jess: Yeah.
AJ: Rehab. We just got to make a quick stop at my office first, though.
(Jess groans)
Russ: What?
All right. You get five minutes, all right? That's it. I'm serious.
AJ: All right, all right. Relax, Dad. I just have to go upstairs and say good-bye to my work family and pick up some socks.
(Tapping)
AJ: Hey, Gillian.
Gillian: Hi.
(Pills rattling)
AJ: Ah, they sound comfy.
Gillian: Just like you ordered.
AJ: Yeah.
Gillian: The guy I got them from said not to wear the socks on an empty stomach.
AJ: Hey, got to always listen to the sock man, right?
Gillian: Just be careful.
AJ: Hey, uh, where is everybody?
Richard and Abby are... They're not in their offices.
Gillian: Um, they are in the partner meeting.
AJ: Partner meeting?
Gillian: Mm-hmm.
AJ: But I'm one of the partners.
Gillian: I know. It's just...
AJ: So how can they have a partner meeting without me, if I'm one of the partners? That doesn't make any sense.
Gillian: Well, you weren't coming in today.
AJ: So I'm not one of the partners anymore, huh?
Gillian: No, of course you are.
AJ: Oh, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. No, you're right! You're right! I'm a founding partner!
(Whistling)
Gillian: You know, I really don't think this is such a good idea.
Why don't we just go to lunch or something.
AJ?
Good luck.
AJ: Hey, guys. How's it going? Hey, uh, I got a little something I want to say to you.
(Muffled): Are you insane?! Are you out of your minds?! This... mine, mine, this is all mine! I started this company!
(Speaking indistinctly)
...on your skulls after I remove your brains!
(Eva speaking indistinctly)
Lina: Um, you know what, I think, uh... I think I'm gonna get going.
I'll just see you next time you're in town.
Eva: Lina, just hang on one s...
(Phone ringing)
Uh, I have to get this.
Lina: Sure.
Eva: Can you just hang on one second?
Lina: No, it's fine, it's fine. It was nice to meet you. Good luck with your, um, important meeting.
Eva: (Sighs) Hey. I am so sorry. Look, I'm only in town for a couple days and I overbooked. Are you okay?
Lina: (Sniffles) No.
Eva: Should we go get a drink?
Lina: I just gave the guy my ticket.
Eva: I'll take care of it. Come on.
Gillian: Everything's fine. I shouldn't have called you guys, uh... I just got scared.
Jess: Why, what happened?
Gillian: The partners had AJ escorted out of the building. After everything that he's done for them, it's so ungrateful. Right?
Russ: What did he do?
Gillian: Nobody got hurt. AJ got a tiny bit violent.
Jess: Uh-huh.
Gillian: But he wanted me to tell you guys that rehab can wait, because things are a little intense right now with the new firm.
Jess: The new firm?
Gillian: We're starting a new firm. I mean, AJ is, but I'm helping him.
Jess: Oh, I'm sure you are, sweetie. That's great.
Gillian: N-No, you guys, now's really not a good time. Wait, you guys, um, sorry...
AJ?
Russ: Let's go.
It's time to go. Time to go.
AJ: Gillian, did you explain to them how busy I am with the new firm?
Gillian: I tried.
Russ: Oh, cut the crap. There is no new firm, okay? You're going to rehab like you promised.
AJ: Do you have that promise in writing?
Russ: In a text.
AJ: Well, texts are inadmissible. You know, anybody can hack that sh1t, right?
Jess: Oh, my God, you're such an asshole. We've been chasing you around all day, okay?
Russ: You know what, don't worry about it. I don't care anymore. I really don't. I'm over it. Okay, you don't want to go to rehab? Don't go, okay? Who cares that I spent the week yelping different facilities, okay? Reading reviews of food and-and fitness centers. If you want to screw me over and Jess and this poor girl who's probably in love with you, go for it.
AJ: Right. Come on, she's not in love with me.
Gillian: But you said you wanted to be with me.
AJ: Yeah. At the new firm.
Gillian: But what about when we...
AJ: Oh, my God, did we have s*x?
Gillian: Twice.
AJ: Did you like it?
Gillian: Once.
Jess: Oh, wow.
AJ: Well. I guess it's, uh... it's time for somebody to go to rehab, huh?
Lina: No, I just really wanted to talk to you because I can't talk to the other moms about real stuff.
Eva: Okay, well, what's going on with you and Russ?
Lina: He hates his job. He comes home super late every night and I can tell that he doesn't want to be around me. I don't understand it.
Eva: Do you know, sometimes when I come home at night, I am such a bitch to Karen.
Lina: Okay, but why?
Eva: I don't know. I mean, she's taking care of my kids, she's washing my clothes.
Lina: Yeah.
Eva: But sometimes I look at her and I can't stand her. Like, all the sacrifices that she's made for me, I just, I see them on her face. It makes me want to slap the sh1t out of her.
Lina: Really?
(Eva laughs)
I can tell when I walk through the door. He looks at me like he wants me to be his cheerleader or something.
Eva: You know what? He probably just wants you to put his dick in your mouth.
(Laughs)
Lina: I'm a terrible wife.
Eva: Hey, stay in the hotel room with me tonight, come on.
I have an early meeting, but you can just hang out, get a massage, charge it to the room. And then we can really hang out later.
Lina: Yeah, screw it, Russ can take 'em trick-or-treating.
Eva: Mm-hmm.
Lina: They don't even care about me.
(Eva laughs)
They probably won't even notice if I'm not there.
Eva: So you'll stay?
Lina: Happy Halloween.
Russ: Hey.
Russ: What are you doing here?
Lina: Hi, guys. I thought you were, uh, spending the night at Eva's.
Lina: Oh, I didn't really think you could handle trick-or-treating on your own. But I was clearly wrong.
Russ: Clearly.
Lina: You got the pirate costume. Not bad.
Ella: Hey, guys, Hannah just texted and asked if I could go trick-or-treating with them. Can I? All my friends are gonna be there. Please.
Russ: Uh, sure.
Ella: Really?
Lina: I hope she bleeds right through that pirate costume tonight.
Russ: Yeah. Let Hannah's mother find her a tampon.
Lina: And show her how to use it.
Maya: What's a tampon?
Russ: Uh... It's kind of like a sponge... that soaks up stuff.
Maya: What stuff?
Frankie: Are we done talking about tampons?
Lina: How are we gonna trick-or-treat when the kids are too old?
Russ: We won't.
Lina: Well, what will we do?
Russ: We'll give out candy.
Lina: We're gonna be those old people giving out candy? That's depressing.
Frankie: Look what we've got!
Lina: Oh, I want a butterfinger.
Maya: Mom.
Russ: Give your mother a butterfinger... she does a lot of sh1t for you. Now. Give it. All right, let's keep going. Come on.
Russ: Get something bigger.
Frankie: We will, Daddy.
Russ: King size. What was that for?
Lina: Standing up for me.
Russ: Hmm. Well, in that case... Feeling more than just a kiss.
(Lina laughs)
(Horn honks)
Jess: Am I too late?
Shepard: Just in time.
Ooh, you know what? Back in the car.
Jess: What?
Shepard: Just wait in the car. Some neighbors don't hate us yet.
Jess: I look good.
Shepard: Yes, you do.
Plan: A: Lina; Q: Who wants to meet an old friend? A: business colleagues; Q: What is interrupting Lina and her friend's time together? A: a reluctant A.J.; Q: Who does Russ and Jess try to get to go to rehab? A: a pirate costume; Q: What costume does Ella want? A: friends; Q: Who does Ella want to trick-or-treat with for the first time? Summary: Lina goes to meet an old friend who is in town, but their time together is constantly interrupted by business colleagues that the friend also booked time to see. Russ and Jess try to get a reluctant A.J. to go to rehab. Ella wants a pirate costume after rejecting two others that Lina got for her, then says she wants to trick-or-treat with friends for the first time instead of with her younger sisters.