Wade Wilson (Reynolds) is a former Special Forces operative who now works as a mercenary. They call him the “Merc with the Mouth” because he sure is a cunning linguist who likes to shoot off — verbally, of course — every chance he gets. He also breaks the fourth wall and narrates what’s going on for the audience, which is consistent with the Deadpool comics.One night, Wade meets a prostitute named Vanessa Carlisle (Baccarin) at his friend Weasel’s (T.J. Miller) bar. Wade and Vanessa one-up each other with horrible stories about their tragic pasts before going home together. What follows is a hilarious and extremely athletic sex montage of Wade and Vanessa celebrating various holidays together, including all the usual, to-be-expected ones like Valentine’s Day, and then the more unexpected ones, such as International Women’s Day.It’s on the latter occasion that Vanessa gets to do the penetrating. As it’s happening, the camera zooms in on Wade’s face. He’s wincing and says he doesn’t like it. Maybe they just need to go down a size or two, or perhaps start with well-lubed fingers and work their way up. No matter what, seeing a super-macho, hypermasculine leading man like Ryan Reynolds end up on the receiving end of a strap-on dildo will hopefully demonstrate to audiences that it’s fun and totally okay to experiment with power dynamics during sex, as long as both partners are willing and consenting adults. It’s one small(ish) peg(ging) for mankind, really.On Christmas, Vanessa and Wade get engaged, but shortly after, they find out Wade has terminal cancer. He then does something that I hate when fictional characters do: He leaves in the middle of the night so that Vanessa doesn’t have to watch him suffer and die. I guess I should have seen it coming because of his Rent shirt. It’s right there in “ Goodbye Love ” when Mimi tells Roger, “You don’t have to watch me die.” Foreshadowing via Broadway rock opera T-shirt? Whoever did the costumes on this movie is a genius. Also, please let me know if you’ve ever heard of this happening in real life, because as of now, I’ve only ever heard of the whole “peacing out because you just love your soul mate too much to let them watch you die, and they don't deserve a say in the matter” plot device in fictional narratives.You’re probably wondering right about now how this is a superhero (or antihero, as Deadpool is usually referred to) movie, but we’ve finally reached that point. A super-sketchy guy approaches Wade at Weasel’s bar and basically says that as someone who’s dying, Wade is a great candidate for his superhero factory, where he gives terminal patients superhuman abilities and another shot at life.Spoiler alert: It’s not a superhero factory. It’s a disgusting place where they take terminally ill people and perform gross experiments on them to test their limits under extreme duress and pain. It’s here that Wade gains the ability to heal almost instantly. He can even regrow limbs if they’re cut off. We’re also treated to Ryan Reynolds’ “ Ben Affleck in Gone Girl ” money shot, and by that, I mean you mightttttt catch a glimpse Ryan Reynolds’ penis if you play your cards just right. It’s all very hazy and appears through a lot of CGI flames, but he’s definitely naked, and there’s certainly something dangling down between his legs. It's been confirmed — straight from the phallus-bearer's mouth himself — that his penis is on display during this scene, which also has him fighting someone in the nude. Betcha didn't think Ryan Reynolds going full-frontal would come up in this story in addition to pegging, but well, here we are (and, hi again, Mom!). Deadpool: Members only. Call me, Hollywood slogan companies.So from the ashes our antihero emerges, reborn, but...wait for it...ugly. “You look like an avocado fucked another avocado, and that avocado had herpes,” is some variation of one of the jokes Weasel tells Wade the first time the bar owner sees his buddy's new mug. Henceforth, this scary-looking uber-man goes by the name Deadpool when he’s suited up and in action mode.Wade thinks he can’t go back to Vanessa like this. Honestly, dude, what the fuck? How superficial does he think Vanessa is? Sure, she’s drop-dead gorgeous, but she’s clearly going to be more upset that he abandoned her in the middle of the night because he thought she was lying or really couldn’t handle it when she said she wanted to be by his side when he died of cancer. She’s also going to be very surprised that he’s still alive, because as far as she’s concerned, a terminal cancer diagnosis still equals death.That’s the other great part of Deadpool, though. The female characters are on the exact same footing and playing field as the men. There are no damsels in distress. Wade is completely wrong about Vanessa’s inability to love him with his new face and body. Give her some credit, Mr. Pool. She was fine when she was with you, and she's gotten along fine without you. Her life doesn’t revolve around you looking like Ryan Reynolds. Build a bridge and get over yourself.