I’ve never found tampons particularly uncomfortable but I was aware, for the first day at least, that I was wearing one. And, once things got properly underway, I spent much of my daily 10km run worrying that I might max out my new accessory and start bleeding across my sports shorts. But the most annoying thing, of course, is remembering to carry them in the first place. As a mooncup user, I’m completely out of practice at having to pack a box of tampons every time I leave the house. Usually, all I have to remember is to empty it when I go to the loo. And so, on day three, I found myself turn tail at my local U-bahn train station because I realised with a sinking heart that I’d forgotten to transfer the capsule box of Ellens from one handbag to another. Still, I stuck with them for the full five days.

As for the probiotic benefits, I’d struggle to say I really noticed any tangible difference with old Ellen. I didn’t get thrush, sure. But I didn’t actually notice things down under turning into a thriving rainforest of lactobacilli and supersonic vaginal mucosa either. Sex didn’t feel particularly better and judging by all firsthand sensory measures, things ticked along pretty much as per.

Of course, in truth, tampons are a license to print money. As Nora Ephron wrote in Heartburn, if you want to get rich, invest in something that people buy once and throw away. Tampons are expensive, disposable and provide some solution to the nigh-on essential need to stop blood dribbling down your thighs. Probiotic tampons may do less harm to the natural bacterial balance of your vagina than regular tampons, but isn’t that a little like saying low carb doughnuts are slightly more healthy than Krispy Kremes? I still find it annoying that we have to pay for them and have them rattling around the bottom of our handbags, and even for a world weary woman like myself, they’re not the most pleasant thing to stick where the sun don’t shine.

So thanks Ellen, it’s been fun. I’m glad we had a chance to hang out. And I’m pleased that you care. But I just don’t think this will work long term. Sorry.