I’ve been ghosted before ghosting was even a thing. My girlfriends and I first referred to Disappearing Dudes, an umbrella term for men who would be all up in your phone, schedule, lady parts one day and the next, completely shut down all communication. In 2009, as early adopters ( and possible part-progenitors ) of the term, we began referring to the phenomenon as ghosting. In the seven years since, the practice has been labeled analyzed , and of course, widely condemned It’s even a dictionary.com entry now.Though we can agree that ghosting sucks, we can’t stop doing it. As Aziz Ansari, our generation’s dating czar, put it in his 2015 Netflix standup special: "Let's say you don't like someone, but they like you. How many of you pretend to be busy, that's your move?" The audience responded with raucous applause. Then, he turned the tables: "Let's say the situation is reversed, clap if you'd prefer they'd just be honest with you." When the applause had died down, he cracked: "I think our findings are very clear. We're all shitty people!"I do try to take the un-shitty approach much sooner into relationships: If, after two or three dates, it’s obvious to me this isn’t my person, I’ll send a text: something along the lines of, “I’m not feeling romantic vibes, but take care and thanks so much for the fun nights.”I have plenty of straight girlfriends who’ve done the same, using variations on the theme to try and let the guy off easily: Julie, 30, goes with, “Hey, I am not sure I felt a connection, but I appreciated getting to know you!" Lyz, 30, says, “I had fun hanging out with you, but I'm not feeling long-term compatibility.”We feel good about ourselves. We pat ourselves on the back for doing the kind, mature thing. Until the responses come. Sometimes, they’re gracious, but there’s also been the curt “K,” the insults (“You aren’t that hot, anyway.”), and worse. “When I've been honest, I most often get an aggressively angry response and/or the guy won't let it go and/or I get called names,” like the C-word, says Lauren, 29.In fact, I’ve had male friends tell me I’m not doing a dude any favors by directly turning him down. “Sometimes, it’s easier and less painful for everyone if you drop clear hints,” rather than putting it bluntly, says Paul, 28 (who’s gay, but also my trusted guru on how men think). Those hints might take the form of, say, “I’m super-busy, but it was great meeting you,” or, "I’m not in a good place to be dating." They shut things down without a less-personal blow.“Sometimes, you need to be upfront with people if it goes on and on and they don't get the hint, but I think a lot of guys — myself included — would prefer something less direct than, ‘I'm not feeling this,’" he adds. To be clear, he’s not advocating ghosting, but rather, some pointed white lies that leave a bro’s ego intact.Of course, talking about gender-based preferences in grand, sweeping terms ignores the bazillions of exceptions. (Exhibit A: When I asked for opinions on Facebook, virtually every respondent — male, female, cis, straight, or LGBTQ — advocated for honesty, ripping off the bandage as soon as you know you’re done dating. Their instincts match those of Aziz’s audience: in abstract terms, we want a more upfront attitude.) But I got to wondering if we’ve got a Gift of the Magi issue going on, in the straight world, anyway: Women crave direct terminology (perhaps because we analyze things and need them to be put to bed), while men prefer the unbruised ego and we’re all running around treating one another the way we’d like to be treated — and pissing each other off in the process. (Ugh.)