As Chad checks himself out in what appears to be a birdhouse but must be a mirror, Evan gives JoJo an ultimatum: Get rid of Chad or he’ll walk. Ha, no worries. Chad’s not threatened: “No one chooses Evan for anything, other than to come sweep her front yard.” Here’s where JoJo should have lunged at the opportunity to kill Evan’s projection of an erection and send him home – not because Chad said so but because he’s a useless turd intent on stirring up drama. She is so not attracted to Evan that it’s almost unbelievable they’re even talking. Yet Evan gets the coveted group date rose (“Is this a real scenario right now?!” Chad head-jerks his way into near-oblivion) because, lo and behold, JoJo “appreciates him and his honesty”. The only thing less sexy than that explanation is the awkward pity-peck our bachelorette drops on Evan to get him to shut up about his newfound confidence. His three kids are gonna be so proud. “Guess what, guys?” Evan scripts his own promo after the fact. “Daddy made out with JoJo!”

I’m so grossed out I can barely think straight, but luckily I don’t have to because JoJo and singer-songwriter James Taylor are going swing dancing! “There’s not a lot of guys like James out there,” says JoJo. “He’s kind of an old soul, a gentleman.” Under the watchful eyes of 92-year-old Lindy hop legend Jean Veloz, the pair trudges through a dance lesson that would have been a thousand times more stressful had it not been for James’ buoyant attitude. “His energy and positivity is so attractive,” JoJo gushes, adding that she hopes they can “break through our friendship” and find that special spark. It’s a tall order for an even taller man, and despite their picturesque kiss atop a classic convertible, I don’t think James serves up what she really wants. But JoJo falls for the poor sap after he confides in her about his deep-rooted insecurity and self-loathing. The kids used to call him Luke Longneck! Now the former ugly duckling playing house in an attractive man’s body needs to sing a goofy love song about the last season of The Bachelor in order to work up the mojo to kiss one of its stars. “Love is definitely, possibly on the horizon,” James tries to convince himself. “No doubt.”

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, vegan-for-a-day Chad is going to town on a straight up raw yam. His only friend, Canadian Daniel, fears his association with Chad will reflect poorly on him, so he suggests Chad channel Mussolini instead of Hitler. “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler,” Chad jumps in, and it’s the most rational thing anyone has said all night. Daniel won’t let up. Maybe Chad could be more like one of the Bushes, if possible. Or Donald Trump! Hey, whatever, man. Chad’s willing to play along and downgrade for today. He gnaws on a head of lettuce and considers his next move. Green juice? Nah. Not yet. (They’re saving all the best footage for Tuesday.) What’s even more hilarious than Daniel’s dumbness is the fact that he thinks Chad wants him around. Chad is not here to make friends! He exists solely to count calories and pop veins in the sun.

Chris Harrison drops by to alert the guys that due to ABC wanting to smother us with steroids this week, that night’s cocktail party would now be a pool party with a rose ceremony chaser — provided any brave souls can survive that long in the presence of Chad. Evan knows he is not made for this world, this “reality” in which his life might actually be in danger, so he pulls Chris aside to tattle on the meat monster. There’s “a lot of testosterone” in play here, our host reminds the dick doc. But a “dark storm cloud in the house” that can’t be tamed by security guards is nothing to mess with, so Chris is forced to step back into the mansion and jiggle that tornado right in the pecs until something really bad happens.

Chad’s busy eating, of course. “At this point it’s an obsession,” he says, referring to both Evan and the 24/7 all-Chad-can-eat buffet. Something flickers in the distance — it’s Robby the former professional swimmer, trying to snag a second of screen time by drinking from a glamorous golden goblet. No go this time, kid. All eyes are on ticking truth bomb Chad as Chris…well, basically eggs Chad on. “This is your chance to go settle it,” he urges the other bachelors’ worst nightmare. “Think about an approach that might be received well…”

Coming up tonight: The flamingo takes a kick to the head, a body sinks to the bottom of the pool (or maybe someone goes for a swim), and suddenly James Taylor’s beautiful face is bleeding! Is this what Chris Harrison meant by “drawing the line”? Will Chad and Evan ever decide which one of them is stalking the other? Stay tuned.