I want all my parties to be a safe space for women of color, queer people, and others, so what do I do if someone brings a plus-one who doesn't respect that and makes people feel uncomfortable or unsafe?

I think it's important to talk to the guest that you know — the guest who brought the plus-one. I would do it privately. Expect for it to be a difficult situation because you are essentially saying, "Hey, I don't appreciate the person that you've brought to my house." Your guest may now do one of two things. Either they're going to feel really bad or they're going to feel offended and defensive. I can't predict which your friend is going to be, but I can tell you that it is definitely your responsibility as the host to make sure that the majority of your guests are feeling comfortable and that you have created a safe space for them. If that's being interrupted by offensive comments, it's very important for you as a host to feel confident nipping that in the bud.

Let's say it's at your dinner table and all of a sudden they throw out what they think is a joke, and it's really offensive to a number of people or even just one person at the table. You, as the host, could redirect the conversation without even addressing the issue. You could say, "I don't think that kind of humor is what I'd like at my table," and move forward that way and then say, "I'd rather hear about that trip to Athens that someone just took." Or ask someone what they did last weekend, or ask someone about their kids. Whatever it is, it's okay to move that conversation forward and make it very clear that the offensive comment isn't going to be entertained.

If someone makes another comment after that warning, that's when I would talk to my friend and say, "Listen, your guest has made a number of comments tonight that have been pretty upsetting to me as a host. I am quite sure they're upsetting to some of our guests. Either you have to find a way to speak with him and ask him to not talk like that anymore, or we're going to have to do something to end the evening early." It's pretty much the only way. It's not pleasant. It doesn't mean that you should be rude or demeaning. You want to try to give the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they weren't the right person to bring, but maybe it's just a bad night for them. It's gracious to give those kinds of allowances, but it doesn't mean that you then have to keep the person at the party. It doesn't mean that you have to ignore the fact that this is going on.

It's okay for you to address it, but just be aware that it is going to change the tone. You might have some reparative work to do with that friend who brought the guest. You may choose to never invite that friend to a party again. There are some big questions that come out of these tough moments.