Ben, too, needs a nap, but he bravely stays awake for the wine and awkward conversation. So how was playtime with the little ones? “It was a long day, so… it was a lot,” Ben doesn’t even pretend to sugarcoat his experience for Amanda’s concerned parents. Props for honesty, but the writing’s on the wall. “Is he ready to be an instant dad?” wonders mom Michelle. Is this a rhetorical question? What about this one? Might I interest you in this one instead? Time is melting!

Next stop: Portland, Oregon to meet Lauren B. and the blue bra poking out of her red flannel. The preppy lovebirds swan around the City of Roses – sampling food trucks, not keeping it weird, not having kids. Lauren refrains from telling Ben she loves him, but he artfully sneaks in the sentiment as they share a pizza-like puff with a pool of butter in it. “I can’t think of a better way to die than standing next to you,” he oozes. Mmm. That is so hot, and I do mean the khachapuri. They haven’t even gotten into Lauren B.’s love of butter yet, which is crazy because they’ve known each other for multiple weeks and sometimes he even calls her “Lauren” without the letter of her last name. By Bachelor standards, they’re practically married.

No one in the real world buys that, obviously, but Ben gets off remarkably easy at Casa B., winning over her loved ones by listening intently and crying on command. Her big smiley face of a dad is protective of his LoLo, but the whole fam can tell there’s something real between Ben and Lauren that goes at least a little further than a whiskey buzz. We’ll go ahead and blame the buzz, however, for Ben’s befuddled claim to Lauren’s much younger brothers that he’s “not gonna put her in a position that is degrading to her at all” (save for the entire premise of this show) during next week’s Fantasy Suites. Yeah right!

As if to highlight Caila’s previously stated fear that she has no real roots in this world, the Hudson, Ohio landmark she has him visit is… the extra-special boyfriend bench at her former high school. And it’s not even grounded. It’s a bench swing. They then head to Caila’s dad’s toy company to design their dream home (seemingly an igloo?) and then build it in the warehouse. “Caila with a power tool….” Ben trails off, perfectly summing up the scene. As her dad’s employees reluctantly cheer, he scoops Caila up An Officer and a Gentleman-style and carries her away to a better life. Ha, she wishes. This is reality TV, not some ’80s movie.

“She may be in for a huge letdown,” says Caila’s extremely jovial yet practical dad in the face of Ben’s delicate yet maddening dance of never revealing which lady of the four he actually likes the most. “And she’s gonna get crushed.” Caila’s Filipino mom Rosanna is much more willing to play along, bouncing with excitement after hearing her daughter is in love. “Crystal ball is clear!” says Rosanna. “Jump on him and tell him!”

But Caila can’t do it. There’s brain fog in her ball, “this unknown that’s in the back of my mind” that won’t let her fully trust him. “He deserves more than that,” she mutters as his escape limo darts away. Then, likely cut off due to time/spoilers: “And I deserve to be the next Bachelorette…”

It’s time to meet up with JoJo at her apartment in Dallas, Texas – but first she finds a dozen roses from her ex, “Chad,” on her doorstep and oh good God the whole thing is so fake I can’t even stand it! Imagine being the production assistant assigned to coordinate this floral catastrophe intended to send a real person into an emotional tailspin right before her TV lover arrives! Way to go, kid! This is a real résumé booster. Extra points for handwriting the note yourself and signing it with the cheesiest ex-boyfriend name in the whole world.