They decide to take their love to an abandoned hotel that’s become a federal raccoon sanctuary, because that’s a thing that exists in the world of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. While they’re there, Dong says he wants to “lose his American virginity.” Kimmy wants to knock over a candy machine. She also wants to have sex with Dong, but she has trouble voicing this.

When they finally get ready for bed, it becomes clear that they both want to sleep with one another. Each time they go to kiss, however, Kimmy smashes Dong on the back of the head with a phone. As she demonstrated with Keith in the last episode, Kimmy clearly has some residual PTSD when it comes to being approached by men, even when it’s someone she has feelings for, like Dong.

Dong and Kimmy venture out to a mini-mart to buy an ice pack for his head. While they’re there, Kimmy starts talking about how she want their love to be sweet and simple like Joey (Katie Holmes) and Dawson’s (James Van Der Beek) on Dawson’s Creek. She only saw season 1, though. Purvis (Joshua Jackson, who, duh, played Pacey on Dawson’s Creek), the cashier at the store, steps in to inform Kimmy that Joey didn’t end up with Dawson — which shocks Kimmy because, “It was his creek!” — she wound up with Pacey. Purvis adds that sex is complicated and tied up with all sorts of emotions, and you really have to find the right person with whom to do it.

All of this makes Kimmy realize that she doesn’t just want to buy an ice pack for Dong; she also wants to buy some condoms. When they get back to the abandoned hotel, though, there’s another problem. Dong is allergic to latex. The evening takes a Thomas J. (Macaulay Culkin) in My Girl turn instead of a Pacey and Joey one. Kimmy and Dong get arrested for trespassing and the police also uncover the fact that he’s in a green-card marriage. The writers also manage to slip in a reference to Donald Trump’s policy towards immigrants during the arrest.

“This is the kind of stuff Trump’s talking about,” one policeman says.

“You’re telling me, Dave. These Chinese guys taking all our redheads,” the other responds.

Kimmy and Dong sit in the back of the police car, knowing this is probably the last time they’ll see each other, since Dong will probably get sent back to Vietnam for trying to trick the government into giving him a green card. Kimmy realizes that the timing will never be perfect for the two of them to consummate their relationship for the first time. They have sex right there in the back of the police car, with Dong in handcuffs.

Even though she finally cemented her love with Dong, it’s a saddened Kimmy who returns to the apartment on Fake Christmas. Will he be deported? I guess we’ll have to keep watching to find out.

Now for Jacqueline’s whole debacle with her painting being stolen by the Jews. As a Jew, I really don’t appreciate this phrasing, nor do I appreciate this plotline, actually. My grandparents’ houses and property were seized by the Nazis during World War II — and never returned. I understand that Jane Krakowski is playing a Native American character (again, shudder), and her ancestors’ property and land was also seized by people like Christopher Columbus when he arrived on this continent, but is Kimmy Schmidt comparing one ethnic group’s plight to another’s? Both groups have suffered genocides and neither should be the subject of comedy. I apologize for going on a rant in what’s meant to be a recap, but clearly, this is a subject that I don’t take lightly for very personal reasons and I don’t think it should be comedic fodder.

So, down the rabbit hole we go, with David Cross playing Russ Snyder, an attorney for the Jewish Art Reclamation Project (J.A.R.P.) assigned to get back the Mondrian painting Jacqueline purchased at the auction in episode 2. Luckily, he succeeds in getting the painting back for the granddaughter of its owner, who unfortunately has a terribly anti-Semitic name. As Snyder is leaving Jacqueline’s apartment, he says, “Let’s go, I’ve got wheels up to D.C. in 90 minutes.”

This catches her attention. Snyder, while odious, is rich! Jacqueline decides she can work with this. Well, I’m glad she learned nothing from this whole experience and didn’t see any parallels between seeing Native American’s property being taken away by white men for centuries and what happened with her painting.

Let’s check in with Titus: he becomes manager at the restaurant where he works, so he quits. There’s a pretty great joke about why he can’t get an audition for Hamilton, though. “They just prejudiced, because I can’t rap or walk quickly in a circle.” On to episode 9.