When I met with my florist, she said it was refreshing that I was alone — that she could really help me figure out what I wanted because there wasn’t a roomful of opinions. So I told her. And it was fantastic. She helped me work out beautiful, quiet memorials for my mother, including rosemary in my bouquet for remembrance, and using the same kinds of flowers that were in my mom’s bouquet at her wedding.

But still no dress. So I ordered some dresses online. J.Crew, Zappos, Nordstrom; I tried them all. I would get a box, try on a wedding dress, and go to my night class. I would get a box, try on a wedding dress, and run to the store. There was no pomp and circumstance. It wasn’t special. They were great dresses, but not only did I feel alone, but I felt like I was hiding. I was doing the exact opposite of what my mother would have wanted. She never would have wanted me not to have my moment because of her.

Finally, I was at the point when I had to find a dress. A new shop had opened in Pittsburgh. Its website looked amazing. It is a really small shop with select (fabulous) dresses. Better yet, it was appointment-only, meaning no one else would be there. No other mom-daughter relationships staring at me. It would just be me and dresses and an amazing shop owner. It was fun. It was quiet, private, and thoughtful. And the owner was beyond wonderful about matching my energy, and understanding and respecting why I was there alone. It helped more to talk about it. To say out loud, “I think she would have liked this one.” To talk about sewing lace from her dress into my dress. To talk about wearing her earrings.

I found a dress that day. The perfect dress. In the end, I stood on my own two feet, and my mom would have been proud.

The day I found my wedding dress, I wore the bracelets we had bought during her chemo. They had a quote from Winnie the Pooh on them: “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.”