The first sex toy I ever purchased was a long, girthy, purple dildo. I was 18 and had dragged my best friend into a small sex shop in the West Village. She was clearly itching to leave, but I made a beeline to the gigantic toys hanging all over the walls. It was as though I instinctively knew exactly what I wanted the moment I stepped in the door — like my crotch took over for my brain and steered me in the right direction.

I was so excited. I made my selection quickly, for the sake of my friend, though I could have spent all day in there. When I got home, I couldn’t believe that I’d actually gone for this big ol’ dong. It was about 10” long and around 2” in diameter — and I doubted my ability to even fit it inside my body.

Well, it fit alright, and I loved how different a larger girth felt inside of me. I didn’t really masturbate much at that age, but the difficulty of finagling a gigantic dildo into my body seemed like half the fun. This was it; I knew for sure that this was my particular kink, and I was so excited to discover this side of my sexuality. Part of me felt as though it was entirely ridiculous; I had been sexually active for about three years, and in that time, I’d had around 10 sexual partners. I hadn’t seen it all, but I’d seen enough to know that no human genitalia looked anything like this. It went deeper than I’d ever felt a penis go, and it was divine. I felt like a total dildo Olympian. My crotch was capable of taking a big dick, and that gave me a bizarre sense of pride. I wondered if this is why people liked fisting so much.

As I became more sexually active, I realized that my enjoyment of larger toys could be a point of contention for future partners. I had never shared that part of myself with anyone, and the more I watched porn and read all the nasty comments people made about “size queens” (a.k.a. those who prefer being penetrated by large penises or objects) online, the more nervous I was to broach the subject with anyone.

When I was finally brave enough to show Brandon* this same dildo, I felt very awkward, and I wasn’t sure how he would feel about it. We weren’t officially dating, but we were more than just fuck buddies. We worked together at a nightclub and flirted with each other relentlessly. Eventually, we got together and realized we had a strong emotional connection. He said that the sight of me using the dildo was incredibly sexy, and he frequently requested pictures and videos of me inserting it. I happily obliged. In real life, however, it was clear that the dildo was not welcome. The presumption that there was a direct comparison being made between the dildo and his own penis ruined the mood for Brandon. He didn’t want to limit my experiences, but he also didn’t want that dildo in his bed.