This psychopath gleefully poured an average of three bludgeoned victims a week down a dusty death chute. Problem was, even millions more would never fill the void deep inside him. “Well, then I’m just going to have to kill God,” March concluded. “That is my message to the world.”

One fateful day in 1925 as cops pounded on some of the non-fake doors, March committed two final murders: eager-to-please maid Mrs. Evers and himself. It’s just as well; his wife wanted him out of the picture anyway. Much like little Holden Lowe on his sister Scarlet’s iPhone, March’s wife appears only as a vague blonde cloud of hair for a split second in the flashback. It could be the Countess — she’d have been 21 at the time — but that almost seems too easy.

Also too easy: life when you’re one of the Countess’ candy kids. Of course Holden couldn’t be lured home by his sister. Free video games and cookies for eternal life and all you have to do is donate blood? I’d choose the Wonkavision Emporium over Sad Vaccinationland in a heartbeat. The kids even get to sleep in fun glass coffins in an empty swimming pool, coffins which I first thought were bowling ball dispensers.