Secret visits to bookstores and libraries all over the city brought me to other writings on feminism, mental health, and existential psychiatry. These precious afternoons gave me permission to continue my journey toward self-discovery. The truth was, I had been living for years as nothing more than a tool for my husband and the Hasidic community — a vessel to bear children. The budding feminist and lesbian in me began to evolve. I went to a support group for LGBTQ+ women and across the room saw the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. As Audre Lorde so eloquently wrote , “The erotic is the measure between the beginning of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings.” Lorde gave me the ability to understand that what I was feeling was deeply erotic; my sense of self was merging with my strongest feelings of desire.