Sometimes, my sex life feels suspiciously unfeminist.That feeling isn't fair, either to myself or my partner. But the numbers don't lie: I — like many women — am having fewer orgasms than the other person in my bed. And after hearing so much about the gender orgasm gap and how it's an affront to women, it almost seems like my duty as a child of sex-positive feminism to bridge that gap in my own relationships — to ask, no, demand that my needs are met and desires fulfilled in every encounter, to own my sexuality, to revel in my awesome womanhood until I'm coming as much as the menfolk do, or at least as much as I think an Empowered Woman does. (To clarify, I don't know how much that is, I just know that it's more than me.) Unsurprisingly, feeling like your personal life is part of a political statement can be fucking stressful, and stress, the sexperts have always told me, is not sexy.Yes, the data suggests that women of all sexual orientations are having fewer orgasms than men (women who sleep with women do have more than women who sleep with men). But number of orgasms is often used as the only indicator of sexual inequity, and it shouldn't be. You may have heard that women in the U.S. have only one orgasm for every three men have ; one study found that among 1,931 U.S. adults from 18 to 59, 91% of men had climaxed in their most recent hookup, while just 64% of women had. As far as this gap stems from social factors such as having no idea where the clitoris is or prioritizing male pleasure over female, let's bridge it. But let's also recognize that we shouldn't be in an orgasm arms race — and that every woman's body, abilities, and preferences are different."I think 'orgasm gap' is a misnomer," sex therapist Vanessa Marin tells me . "I prefer to call it the pleasure gap. The idea isn't that you and your partner should keep a tally sheet of how many orgasms you've each had; it's that you should both focus on giving each other equal amounts of pleasure" as defined by both of you respectively. (Excuse me while I delete this spreadsheet I've been keeping.)