Ben does not materialize, so that meltdown is another bust. Later, at the cocktail party, Olivia’s new phantom disease is hives. Hives! Where? Show us! “I definitely think she’s full of shit,” announces Emily, finally distinguishing herself as more than just a twin two full days before Ben will officially do so himself. Cheers to her. Ben toasts his conquests and makes the rounds, smooching everyone in sight except Rachel. (I had no idea there was a Rachel.) Ben is on fire, referring to Caila as a “tigress” and a “sex panther” despite her initial shyness. This IS someone he could fuck in the jungle, no questions asked.

Most of the ladies must settle for quick gropes by the pool, but chicken-suited talent show winner Lauren H. (it’s probably more accurate to call her “not the biggest loser”) gets a well-lit chunk of Time With Ben in the empty theater. Terry Fator’s puppet is there, ugh, but Lauren H. eagerly plays along, calling “Little Ben” bigger than she expected and letting the puppet help caress Ben’s forearm as she scratches his face with her fowl talons. The multi-layered display of string-pulling here — production on Ben, Ben on the puppet, Lauren H. deftly adjusting her standards about her own destiny — is just staggering. Only in Vegas!

The next morning, room service delivers a wedding dress for Becca the Extra Virgin, which makes total sense. If Ben marries her on their first date, then she’ll have to sleep with him. But instead of sealing the deal, Ben and Becca must (pause for sad trombone) bear witness to other people’s weddings. Yep, the Bachelor has been ordained by the state of Neverevereverland, so it’s gonna be a long afternoon of standing around and listening to him on a monotoned power trip. Good God this date is boring. Next up: a boring glass of wine and Ben grilling Becca on whether his status as a sex-haver will hurt their relationship. Nope! She’s just a virgin; she’s not insane. Becca has her priorities straight and is here in this museum of neon signs to win. Ben makes sure to compliment her morals, values, faith, commitment, and any other glittering generality that might possibly apply to both Becca and Viewers Like Her. Then they transform into identical butterflies and disappear. “I could see myself as the future Mrs. Ben Higgins,” Becca’s voiceover confirms from far, far away.

Surprise twist: Vegas happens to be the twins’ hometown, making this leg of our Bachelor journey a wonderful opportunity to dump one of ‘em right here and now in the comfort of her own home. “It’s hard to comprehend how I could continue with two sisters,” Ben says, having barely spoken of Emily or Haley — let alone the concept of them as a unit — to date. Why are they even here? They live together, share the same car, have the same job. They even use the same treadmill when there are obviously others available! It sounds like they have everything they need for a long-lasting relationship and aren’t here for Ben. Wrong! Emily, “the dominant twin” according to their mom, pulls Ben onto her childhood bed and assures him she HAS a stronger connection with him, at least based on what her sister’s been telling her. Ouch.

Thoroughly convinced or simply desperate to escape this creepy situation, Ben leaves Haley at home to fester in her tragic recessive traits. He and Emily immediately start making out upon their exit, because what else is there to do in a limo while a twin sheds what might be crocodile tears for the loss of her meeker half? Way to take control on this unique “date,” Ben! Now pull her hair and call her an only child.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Ben somehow quells the fears of each woman he encounters, including a cake-mongering Olivia (her true talent is eating it, dontcha know) and Jubilee, who just feels like a complicated person. Still. Forever. “I’m intrigued by you. Like, you have qualities,” he assures the war veteran. Whew! That was easy. Now Ben needs “some time to think through what IS next.”

All eyes are on Olivia, the unrivaled star of her self-contained drama, as Ben waits until the final rose to call her name. So the absurd anchorwoman will stay to soak up camera rays another week, while Rachel the unemployed and Amber the bartender must exit the premises immediately. “I DO have to say goodbye, because I DO believe my wife’s standing here,” bots Ben. I think that means he’s sorry?

Rachel wanders offscreen without too much drama (or maybe the crew didn’t recognize her either), while Amber the Bachelor try-hard stomps away in tears before ditching her high heels at the edge of the pool. She hopes she’s making a sweeping statement here, and indeed she is. Never go on a reality show. Got it.

See you next week for jealousy issues from Jubes and Olivia single-mom-shaming Ashley!