Those first date red flags; a stifled burp, an under the table text, a semi-audible intake of breath as the bill is placed between you. We’ve all experienced those split-second signals that approach like enemy crafts, flashing up on our submarine radars; we see them coming, we wonder if they’ll ever take true form on the horizon and when they do, and we're suddenly being fed lies by a 'pirate' about a "misplaced bankcard" it's too late – we've either gone down with the ship or else we walk the plank and pay the bill before bidding adieu forever.

Here, in no particular order of importance, are all the unacceptable first date no no's, that, if identified, mean you should pop your life jacket on, close your eyes, fire a flare, hold tight and wait for help (or-alternatively text your best mate and ask her to make that pre-arranged "emergency" phone call). Worse things do not happen at sea.