On Wednesday’s jam-packed yet utterly pointless performance show, 10 of the Top 14 revisited their “favorite moments of the season” (thinly veiled code for “We’re too cheap to clear new songs so suck it, viewers!”). America gets to vote starting this week — but just in case America is an idiot, the judges awarded four Fast Passes (golden tickets to Keith Urban’s hair salon) to the most promising commercial entities of the Farewell Season: Dalton Rapattoni, Olivia Rox, Trent Harmon and La'Porsha Renae. As the other 10 vied for the remaining six spots, these chosen four got to save their voices and loaf around in padded thrones like they were judges on The Voice or something. Ugh, they wish!

Here’s my ranking of the Lessers, from Rags to Roses:

Jeneve Rose Mitchell, Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” Leave it to Harry Connick Jr. to condescend to voters regarding an emotionally overwrought 15-year-old with a cringeworthy collection of embroidered vests. “Your talent is different than everyone else on the stage,” he told Jeneve. “It may take some people a little bit of time to catch up to it.” Sorry, chief. No one cares about Mountain Girl or living up to your intellectual standards; the end.

Thomas Stringfellow, One Direction’s “Story of My Life” Harry finally addressed the only story of Thomas’ young life: the absurd hiccuping he does after basically every word. “There’s a big difference between an idiosyncrasy and a bad habit,” he scolded. “You have to stop. It gets annoying.” Well done, professor, and bonus points for name-dropping “the lead singer of the Cranberries” as the only lady or fancy boy who could get away with this.

Lee Jean, Ed Sheeran’s “Make It Rain” Such a big guitar for such a small boy! Too bad I didn’t believe he was playing it. Enough’s enough with this kid’s nerves already — it’s too off-putting unless the song is about fear. Cheers to Keith for trying to meditate his way — and ours — out of the rain and to a vague happy place: “so unique, chill, like walking on a shelly eastern beach, laid back…” Mmmm. Yeah. I’m there.

Gianna Isabella, Annie Lennox’s “I Put A Spell On You” Damnit, this new teen’s stupid spell snapped me out of fantasy beach mode and into reality, a jarring realm in which Gianna is still too overall gawky to have real Idol potential despite obvious visual upgrades. A vote for the same song she did last week will be a vote for this week’s swanky black jumpsuit and straightened hair. Seriously, why are they even bothering with this episode?

Manny Torres, Stevie Wonder’s “Master Blaster” The 21-year-old worship leader keeps getting sacked with the first performance slot of the evening, so even though he has “such a RAZZ about him” according to Keith, he probably escaped people’s minds as soon as they lunged to “Supervote” at 10 p.m. Cool song choice, though. For a few seconds I was back under a spell again, a pleasant reverie in which Season 11’s DeAndre Brackensick’s luscious curls cascaded all around me. Sadly a commercial break broke the spell, it’s no longer 2012, and Idol is still dying.

Tristan McIntosh, Rascal Flatts’ “What Hurts the Most” More straight hair. The only difference is her hair! They are asking us to vote for straight hair!!!