In an unlikely turn of events, I now ship Martha Stewart and Rick Ross. Aside from their love, here’s what’s on the menu for the second episode of this stoned fever dream: lobster, flown in from Maine, naturally. The libation for this half hour is big-batch martinis, made with the biggest martini shaker I’ve ever seen in my entire life, consisting of an entire bottle of very good vodka and a dribble of vermouth. You know, just like they do it in New Canaan. “Lobster is a food only rich people can eat,” says Snoop, ever the sage. “You do a lot of work to get a little piece of meat.” The same could be said for one of tonight’s incandescent guests, Rick Ross, who greets Martha with an alarming familiarity that suggests they’ve met before. He gives her a gold cheese grater on a chain, which she wears for the duration of the episode — her first piece of bling. I’m sure we’re supposed to find this charming, and against everything I previously thought I believed, I do.

The other guest is Ashley Graham. Any value she’d offer to the show is sadly overshadowed by the five-alarm fire of love and slightly uncomfortable sexual chemistry flying between Martha and Rozay. I’d bet $5 and a half-used ChapStick that at some point in their lives, Rick Ross and Martha Stewart have had a couple of drinks at a bar, made out on top of a grand piano, and went their separate ways. But I digress. Lobster (and love) is on the menu. Snoop’s making a Lobster Thermidor and Martha’s doing a clambake. After each party has plucked a live one out of the tank, they get to it.

For the uninitiated, Lobster Thermidor is a nightmare of a dish that involves stuffing cooked lobster meat back in its shell, covering it in a béchamel sauce, and sticking it under the broiler before dousing it in parsley and parmesan. A New England clambake doesn’t involve clams at all, and is best served with a cold 'Gansett on the beach in Wellfleet with your toes in the sand. Martha’s handling her lobster like a champ, and Snoop is doing what he can with a recipe from a Junior League cookbook from 1958. Ashley Graham is wondering how she ended up on this show. She tries to engage Martha in dialogue, but girl’s too busy feeding her new husband Rick Ross béchamel as if they’re not in front of a live studio audience on a windowless sound stage in Los Angeles.

Once the cooking’s done, it’s time for them to awkwardly eat food and talk to each other. Rick Ross pets his beard; Martha eviscerates a lobster tail and feeds it to him. Ashley Graham, once again, looks uncomfortable — same, I think? Anyway, the dinner-party game this time around is a bit of show-and-tell. Martha pulls a giant, silver toilet-paper holder, gifted to her by Barbra Streisand, who was so displeased with the toilet-paper setup at Martha’s house that she thought it prudent to fix it herself. Snoop’s important item is a Bruce Lee statue; Ashley Graham’s is a bra that she wore on the runway. Rick Ross’ is a giant pinky ring that says MOB (Mama’s Only Boy), spelled out in pavé block letters. Great! I’ve learned so much.

After the lobster and the guests are gone, Martha and Snoop kick back on the living-room portion of the set and dip some Golden Oreos in vanilla ice cream to close things out. Here’s the thing: Golden Oreos are disgusting. Dipped in ice cream, I guess they’re fine — just like this show.

See you next week!