To find out, I very neatly laid my British politeness to one side (just for a moment) and hid behind a cheerily-worded email asking my friends, really, really casually, if they'd ever "settle" and if, in the event that they had, would they please tell me why. Here's what they said...Nicole*, 27, who had lived with a boyfriend for three years, confirmed to me that she had settled because she was afraid. "I’d like to think I'm a pretty strong, independent woman, but I think I stayed with him because the thought of not having someone to spoon at night was too frightening. I knew I was settling, my friends knew I was settling, and worst of all, he knew I was settling. I went along with it and convinced myself that I loved him, but you can never really fool yourself for too long." The relationship ended when both cheated on one another. And yes, we all knew she'd settled, and no, no one spoke about it.My other friend Christine* still lives with her boyfriend. She's 25 and he's 32. In fact they very recently signed a year-long contract on a flat, despite breaking up and getting back together several times already this year. "The idea of not being with him is one I can completely get my head around. But being alone is not something I'm sure I could do. I get really, really wound up sometimes thinking that he's settling too; I'll lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I feel so angry. Then I see my single friends paying lots of rent, still going out and getting really pissed every weekend and I think I've made the right decision. It changes every day. I'll worry about it when I have to, and I know that's not healthy."Finally, I hear from my friend Frankie*, who is 28 and to my knowledge has been single for as long as I've known her. "Not entirely true," she explains. "I met *Mark on an app last summer and I play girlfriend with him on the weekend and week nights. He thinks it's a proper relationship despite the fact he's only ever 'accidentally' met my housemate and none of my other friends. We don't have any shared interests, but it's convenient in that he treats me well and the sex is amazing. I've also convinced myself that the guy that ticks all the boxes isn't going to like me."I spoke to Oliver Burkeman, author of The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking , about the phenomenon of settling, and why we do it, and his answer hit the proverbial notch on the bedpost."My problem with the idea of 'settling' is that, actually, I think everyone 'settles', in romance and every other area of life, all the time, whether they realise it or not. Any choice you make always involves turning down an infinite number of alternatives, and making a tradeoff – choosing certain benefits in return for missing out on others."In fact, when you think about it, even deciding not to settle is a kind of settling: if you spend your twenties and thirties dating lots of people instead of choosing one, then you are getting one set of benefits (excitement, freedom) and sacrificing another set of benefits (security, a deep connection). That might well be the right answer for you, of course – it's a perfectly good choice. But you're still making a tradeoff. That definitely doesn't mean you should just marry the first person who comes along, or settle for someone obnoxious or abusive, or have low standards. It just means realising that it will always be true in theory that you could be happier with some other life, some other person, some other job. "I think the trade off that Oliver talks about requires an understanding of your emotional priorities – whether excitement makes you feel good in this moment, or whether stability is what you truly desire. And it's about being true to your gut. Don't ever compromise on your gut, is what I think we can all agree on. That and life is a series of little compromises and settlings and that is not all bad- great things come from putting someone else first; changing your own behavioural patterns and doing things you wouldn't normally.While I accept Olivier's notion of constant compromise, for me it's like this: I think we need to kick the doll's house. I think we need to stop for a moment, and take a look at the language were all guilty of engaging within. I think we should at least try to let go of the "fear" of an empty bed and embrace the space to roll about in it instead. We could all do with acknowledging the pressures of finding a partner and having a good old laugh at them from time to time. I should not be critical of other people's lifestyles in the hope that they aren't of mine. I look forward to future relationships and their endings too. I think if we all loosened up a bit and laughed at the madness of it all, we might be able to see more clearly about what makes us, personally, as close to content as we, as humans, can manage.I am, of course, talking as straight a woman in her mid-twenties. I'm not yet asked about the absence of a swollen stomach, or how my down payments are coming along – all in good time. But I am forever asked about who I am 'dating', 'seeing', 'texting'. The answer for now is "my friends and my family".I will leave the last word to comedian and author of Modern Love, Aziz Ansari, who invites us to imagine a universe where matrimony isn't such a big deal:“Imagine if marriage didn’t exist, and you’re a guy and you ask someone to get married. Imagine what that conversation would be like. You’d be the guy and you’d be like:[guy’s voice]: Hey, so we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together and everything.[girl’s voice]: Yeah, yeah. I know.[guy’s voice]: I wanna keep doing that… until you’re dead. I want to keep hanging out with you until one of us dies. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.[girl’s voice]: Who’s that guy?[guy’s voice]: It’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal.[girl’s voice]: This is really strange. Why are we doing this?[guy’s voice]: Tax purposes."