The five football losers, plus Luke, Chad, and Papa Alex somehow cram into a sectional sofa intended for four non-meat monsters at most. “Who here has a problem with me?” bellows Chad out of nowhere. Half the guys raise their hands. He’s ‘roiding out again, but none of the bros are scared as long as they have the security guards and each other. Tomorrow, Papa Alex promises, “This energy that we all feel is gonna go away forever.”

The sun comes up, and the hunt is on. It’s time for today’s epic battle: Chad vs. Alex, Evil vs. Good — or as Chad puts it: “A grown man vs. an angry child.” There he goes mistaking height for maturity again. Classic monster mistake. After a silent helicopter ride (which you’d think would be impossible, but this show just keeps pushing the envelope), Good and Evil stumble out into the woods. Lumber-JoJo is there to greet them in a cozy red flannel. Sure, there’s murder in the air, but it’s no big deal. If you live for love, you’ve got to be willing to die for it. Those are the rules.

It’s hard to tell who will strike first during this thoroughly chilling hunting party: Chad and his temper, Alex and his deftly wielded words, or another black bear hungry for blood. The producers want so much more bear action, you can just tell, but instead we must settle for a low-key private gossip session between JoJo and Alex. The good soldier tells her everything: how fake Chad always acts around her, the way Chad threatened to find out where Jordan lives so he can beat the shit out of him post-filming, the way Chad’s sweat beads up on his throbbing neck muscles whenever he shreds in the sun. It’s eye-opening for JoJo, and that’s really not what she wanted because ugh, Evil is so much hotter to her than Good. Every time! What’s a bachelorette to do?

“Like, I’m not an aggressive guy,” Chad lies to JoJo’s face. “Why are you smiling?” she flatlines. This is it. She has to turn the hot monster down. Maybe if he was willing to have conversations instead of threatening violence all the time, this could work out…but as she peers more closely, she realizes his looks could kill her right now. So, nah. Not gonna happen. As Lumber-JoJo trudges away in tears, Chad hurls his lovely blue tin cup into the lake.

What kind of horror movie is this? Nothing’s even happening! “It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting into trouble,” Chad sighs as he slumps down for a breather, mere inches away from an already triumphant Papa Alex. The up-for-grabs date rose glistens extra brightly at the center of their grubby picnic blanket, and I wonder if it’s a decoy, a secret strawberry bait for the bears. No such luck. Alex gets the rose; there’s nothing sweeter. JoJo has officially dumped Chad and spends the rest of the night snuggling up with Alex in a quaint “zero sexual chemistry”-themed cabin.

We all hoped Chad would be left for dead in the forest just like last season’s Olivia, stranded on an island and wondering why. (Those two could be very happy together, by the way, until one of them ends up in jail.) But the meat monster refuses to leave! In previews for the next episode in two weeks, Chad’s fingernails screech down a windowpane, then he’s somehow let inside the death lodge to continue tormenting the other guys. Is he merely a mirage? Did the bears get him? Will Chad and Olivia pop up as the hosts and only stars of this fall’s groundbreaking new Naked and Afraid spinoff, Bachelor in Purgatory? Stay tuned…