Artie breaks up with Alexis and she storms into the motel in a huff. “I just got dumped by a man who wears three medic alert bracelets!” Johnny is immediately guilty (we know this because Eugene Levy’s eyebrows said so) and he listens to Alexis admits she was using Artie to get over Ted. “I’m just looking for any distraction from the fact that my heart’s shattered into a million pieces,” she says, and I almost cry again. Alexis is rightfully mad at her dad for not trusting that she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Before I have the chance to go on a “fuck the patriarchy” rant about how messed up it is that dads think they can control their daughters’ dating lives, Johnny Rose hits us with some sincerity I did not see coming. He tells Alexis that because he wasn’t always there for her during past heartbreaks, this time he was “just trying to make up for lost time.” Eugene Levy’s eyes get all glassy and now I am definitely crying. Schitt’s Creek making me tear up better not be a weekly occurrence. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy