That’s the power of social media: With the click of a button, it can turn virtually any old romance into Wuthering Heights and any ex-boyfriend into Heathcliff. If this were the 18th century, you’d be wandering the moors, soaked with English rain, tearful and searching for him. But nowadays you can just tap that Facebook icon on your phone and pine away from the comfort of your bedroom.

Is this cheating? I dunno. The definition of infidelity is different in every relationship. Some people define porn and masturbation as cheating. Others don’t mind if their partners have sex with other people as long as it’s in another zip code. The only people who can really answer this question are you and your husband. But I’m guessing you’d rather not have that convo. I’m guessing that if you’d rather write to me than step into the living room and chat with your husband, you already know the answer.

To my mind, though, that really isn’t the point. Maybe this is cheating of a kind, but what would you confess to? Lusting? Nostalgia? You’re allowed to have private thoughts in a relationship, and you’re allowed to have crushes. Everyone experiences those things, married or not, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re monogamous, you choose not to act on those feelings — not to stop having them. They aren’t within your control. But your actions, both on and offline? That’s on you.

Right now, you’re not doing anything unusual. Even if it is transgressive, it’s a transgression that nearly everyone else with a Facebook account has done. Of that, I’m 1,000% sure. But as many of those people can tell you, it’s a slippery slope. If you made contact with Josh, you would be acting on your feelings — not physically, maybe, but virtually. And, these days, most of us spend as much time in the virtual world as we do in reality. I think you know there is a line, and if you hit that Like button, you’d be taking the first step across it.

But we all know that social media tends to blur reality. That’s putting it mildly. To be frank, it’s total bullshit. You think you might be romanticizing? Woman, you are. Nostalgia paints everything in a rosy glow — and social media is like a magnifying glass for nostalgia. When you glance at his Instagrams or witty little status updates, you are seeing only the sweetest snapshots of him. They light up all the sweet snapshots in your memory, too, now faded with age and all the more lovely. In those, perhaps his anger looks “complex” and maybe his insecurity is “vulnerable,” as you put it. Or maybe you’re remembering him with perfect accuracy. Either way, it doesn’t matter. The most important thing to remember is that you are busy looking at all these old pictures instead of your real, present life. You are betraying yourself as much as anyone.

It’s time to wake up from this cozy reverie. Do you want Josh in your life — your real life? Okay, make it happen. Have an honest conversation with your husband about that (assuming you want him in your life, too) and figure out where to go from there. It might be tricky, and there might be compromises, but that’s reality. Or do you want to keep Josh in your past? That’s even easier: un-friend, unfollow, and get him out of your feed.

Turn off your phone for a moment. Close your laptop. Step out of the virtual for a moment and make a decision. Life is too short to live in limbo.

Sincerely,

Kelsey

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