One of the ways of trying to move through this awful time was by distracting myself. Foolishly, I decided to watch Leaving Neverland, a documentary about paedophilia. Almost immediately afterwards, my thoughts evolved from suicide to paedophilia because my brain found something worse to latch onto. Suddenly I was no longer concerned about dying and started questioning whether I could ever abuse children. I was so full of shame and guilt, it stopped me from speaking to anyone about it for a while. Suddenly, I remembered the conversation I had all those years ago about my friend’s sister and realised I was most likely suffering from the same thing. I googled my symptoms and was quickly directed to articles about 'Pure O'. My first session with a therapist was coming up and finally I was able to talk about everything and, although it took time, I learned how to cope.