On our very first date, this gentleman took me to a fancy restaurant in downtown San Francisco. I wore bright red pumps, sheer black thigh-high stockings, and a black and white party dress. We sipped wine, I ordered anything I wanted, we laughed and flirted. Then, suddenly, he turned to me with an intense stare. “I want you to go to the bathroom, remove your panties, and bring them back to me.” I smirked. Aww, that’s cute, I thought. He’s trying to embarrass me. I pushed my chair back and walked to the bathroom, throwing him a look over my shoulder and swishing my skirt with more than a little bit of bratty confidence. After peeing, I instinctively went to pull my underwear up, and remembered his request. As I pulled my panties down around one heel, I suddenly felt extremely aware of my labia. Yanking the underwear around the other ankle and completely off, I stood staring at the little ball of crumpled black material peppered with tiny gold stars. This infinitesimal amount of mesh had been all that stood between my vagina and the world, but without it, I felt incredibly vulnerable. I wasn’t sure what to do. I became increasingly, pleasantly flustered. Most importantly, I felt watched, even in a private toilet stall. My date and I would go on to do much, much more depraved things that night, and for many years — I’m talking about activities that could teach the average Fifty Shades movie-goer a thing or two about power and pain. In retrospect, though, I realize why this was the right note to begin on, and why this simple directive (“Remove your panties for me in public”) makes a fun game for couples to play. First of all, it’s a great way to experience the frisson of exhibitionism without non-consensually involving anyone else. You and your partner are sharing a secret: the transgression of the taboo of nudity. You can give each other knowing looks and perform for one another without anyone being bothered by what specifically you’re up to. You’re aware of everyone in the room, but they never have to know you’re being indecent. And even if your game were somehow completely exposed, the people around you would be more likely to clutch their pearls than call the cops. There’s also so much potential to explore the dynamics of control between partners. If you’re the submissive partner, you might feel embarrassed or shy. But you don’t have to feel guilty, because it’s no longer up to you: You’re just following orders, after all. If you’re the dominant partner, you experience the thrill of commanding your partner to violate a taboo. You can see their embarrassment in a flushed face or squirming seat. Your intimacy grows because you’re collaborating on a transformation: A simple order from dominant to submissive changes your underwear from a mundane object into a charged sex symbol. And of course, going commando facilitates easy access (as we also see in the Fifty Shades Darker trailer). So what did I eventually decide to do in that San Francisco bathroom? My nerve returned to me. I balled the panties up in my fist and calmly walked back to the table. I handed my black and gold fluffy underwear to my smirking silver fox and sat down very carefully. He placed them on his lap under the table, folded them up, and slid them into the front of his coat like a pocket square.