If aliens invade tomorrow, and their three-headed anthropologist leader demands an exemplary sampling of the human population to decipher what it means to be a citizen of our world today, I would encourage President Obama to offer up the Kardashian family.

They are, after all, what the majority of humans in our selfie-obsessed global capitalist culture want to be: famous. Sure, Obama should also throw in some human rights activists and the creators of Buffy to prove that there’s good in the world. But like it or not, the Kardashians are inescapable and iconic — the insanely successful results of Kris Jenner’s experiment to turn the American family into a group venture. Together they are collectively worth close to $300 million and have a combined half-a-billion followers on social media.

How best to assess the Kardashian empire? I suggest we individually examine their most valuable assets: themselves. And so, I’ve compiled a Kardashian Kase File, which documents each family member’s contributions to the brand and ranks them according to combined social media followers. So join me as I attempt to decode the secrets of this family’s success, and venture deep into a Kardashian K-hole.