Once we’re there emotionally, we have to learn how to communicate clearly during sex. We need to develop the emotional muscles required to overcome a lifetime of messages telling us that we should be thinking and talking about sex at all times — except with the people we’re fucking. We have to overcome gendered pressure — on men, that you should be so virile and psychic that you know what your partner needs better than they do, and on women, that we shouldn’t be wanting sex in the first place so how dare we say we want more of that one thing and less (or none) of the other. We have to stop pretending that being queer or kinky means we don’t have any challenges when it comes to consent. Whatever our gender or sexuality, we have to discover that sometimes checking in with our partner can be sexy — just drop your voice an octave and say stuff like “does that feel good” and “I want to X you, do you want it?” and see how it goes. Sometimes it’s going to be awkward, but it’s better to be awkward than wrong about whether or not we’re hurting someone.