I know, I know — supposed to? Outgrow? I sound like a hateful old gluten- and lactose-intolerant bitch! And you know what? I am. But hold on, free thinker: before you run off into the woods to live wild and free with the wolves and the pizza, how much do you know about the APC? The American Pizza Community? It’s the pizza lobby. And I don’t mean the part of the building where the pizza shakes out its little pizza umbrella (But how cute, right? I bet he has a little hat and boots too! Almost makes me like pizza. ALMOST.) I mean the real life organisation that lobbies on behalf of all the major pizza companies — Domino's, Papa John’s, Pizza Hut, Godfather’s Pizza, and Little Caesar’s. The APC has done a lot of strategising to help make pizza popular and easily accessible. They lobbied to get pizza counted as a vegetable in school lunches, because all that highly nutritious tomato paste is so important for growing bodies. Also because when you get people hooked young it’s easy to keep pushing your dope on them. So are you sure you love pizza? Or is that what The MAN wants you to think? According to the Centre For Responsive Politics, in 2012 Mitt Romney received £88,646 from the APC. Mitch McConnell got £16,280. PIZZA IS REPUBLICAN. My last gripe about pizza is a very specific one, but as long as I’m laying it all out on the table I’ll mention it. I work in TV, which means I’m often on sets full of hardworking people who need to be fed quickly and cheaply, and pizza is always the easy answer. It’s not a healthy answer, but the crew can fart through the last half of the day and still get the job done. What bothers me is the actresses. The same job that asks actresses to give in to unreasonable societal beauty standards also regularly asks them to smile and say thank you for pizza. That makes me want to set a soundstage on fire. It sucks to try to maintain perfect skin and perfect figures and perfect lack of bloat all day every day — piling a few slices of pizza on top is vicious. But having a problem with pizza might make an actress seem difficult. Don’t be difficult! You should be fun! Pizza is fun! Nah.

Fuck fun.

Be difficult.

Fuck pizza.