But after Rodarte's spring runway show this past winter, I started fantasising about the powerful, beautiful "bitchy lips" (makeup artist Mark Carrasquillo's words, not mine) that the models wore in the show. They were a deep-purple, almost black colour, contrasted with barely-there blush. So, I decided to pick up a black Kat Von D lipstick on sale. Why not? I thought. Maybe I'll try it at some point.A few days later, I did, expecting to be turned off by the black's contrast against my pale skin. Instead, I swiped it on, and realised I felt really fucking amazing. Which is weird, because it's just lipstick.I've always had a problem with self-confidence, apologising for taking up too much space in an elevator, afraid of speaking up in large groups. It can be exhausting — I always feel apologetic, overly aware of other people's feelings, guilty for being seen and heard, you get the picture...I'm fairly certain my attitude has affected the way people interact with me. I've always been the girl strangers talk to on the subway. This isn't always a bad thing — sometimes it's someone asking for directions. But other times, it's someone coming up to say drunk, obnoxious things. "I want to take you out, I'll treat you nice," or "Babe, come on, don't judge a book by its cover." I've always tried to be nice, while feeling incredibly uncomfortable. "Sorry, but no thank you," I'd say. Or, "Sorry, I'm really flattered, but I'm not interested." One guy was so persistent that I eventually had to tell him I was seeing someone, and he lashed out at me. "You should've just told me you were seeing someone," he said. "You made me waste my time and look like a fool."