Eva

"Personally, I feel as though my beauty routine makes me feel more accepted and confident. For many trans women, it’s a vital part of our daily routine. When we present ourselves to the world, our face is what everyone sees first. We say, 'This is who we are and please ignore the parts that may contradict that.' Given how much intolerance, hate, and ignorance there is, I can’t help but use makeup as a way to blend in. It's about feeling good in ourselves as well as personal safety.

Not being able to test makeup or have my hair cut has been difficult, but something I’ve come to accept. It’s the impact on my ongoing transition that's hardest to deal with. To others, not being able to continue with laser hair removal is trivial. For me, there’s a lot more to it. That laser hair removal is a symbol of me being in control of my own body, one I hated while growing up and one I feel like a prisoner in. This has definitely triggered feelings of dysphoria. It’s almost like being forced to pause my transition. While it’s probably not something others around me may even notice, I do. I guess I’m used to second guessing my appearance because of how trans people are treated by society. I ask, 'Am I feminine enough? Do I still look masculine? Will anybody notice?' I’m fortunate in that I was never very hairy, but that doesn’t change how I see myself. Of course, nobody said that women aren’t allowed to have body hair, but society conditions us with unwritten rules which are difficult enough for cisgender women to overturn, but even more so for trans women.

I’ve tried to maintain as much of my regular routine as possible but knowing I’m not the only one going through this has been beneficial — that goes for trans and cisgender women. Knowing it's affected everyone, rather than feeling like a target, is quite reassuring. It makes a change from being a target, in fact. Being forced to change how we live has really helped me re-evaluate the way I see myself. It’s helped me to grow. It's also enabled me to speak to lots of inspirational people from around the world and connect with so many who share what I’m going through. Being able to interview Carmen Carrera has totally changed my perspective, too. She is somebody I admire and look up to. Hearing that I share the same struggles as she does during a worldwide pandemic has really put things into perspective."