While transcribing the audio of our phone conversations, I felt ashamed by how much I thanked and reassured him: "I really appreciate this" and "I hope this is somewhat helpful for you to talk about" and "I didn’t want to be hurtful" and "I hope you know that I don’t hate you" and "I hope it’s helpful for you to know that I believe you’re a good guy" and "If it helps you to know". I’d like to claim I was manipulating him, putting him at ease so that he would continue answering my questions, yet I slipped so easily into comforting him because his discomfort made me so uncomfortable. I finally understood what Judith Butler meant when she defined 'gender performativity' – how the behaviour may not feel like a performance but is a repetitive act outside of the individual’s control.