Speaking of pregnancy scares: In an effort to screw Chanel over and score an invite to Thanksgiving in the Hamptons, Hester convinces Chad she’s carrying his baby, even though most of the time they “porked” in a way that could not result in pregnancy. TMI forever, guys! Now he’ll have to marry her despite her “Pooh belly” and despicable poverty, because that’s just how Chad’s family rolls. “We make our beds and lie in ‘em with our creepy neck brace scoliosis wives.” What a cool squad. Their real wealth must lie in their character. But this does NOT match the imaginary future-life Original Chanel signed up for, so she shoves Hester down the house’s ridiculous curlicue stairwell without a second thought. Consider this “a cautionary tale about hog-faced bitches who try to steal hotter Kappas’ boyfriends.”

Here’s a theory: I think the Other Red Devil is Hester and that she just had a busy night. I’ll admit off the bat that Chad’s unfortunate comparison of Hester’s mid-coitus fart to a death rattle got me going on this train of thought, but just go with it for a sec: Of all the women on the show, Lea Michele looks the most like Nick Jonas. We know Hester has weird mommy issues. Her ghost story (a spinoff of High Beams) came true for No. 5 the same night she told it – maybe she sent Boone to lurk in the backseat and kill that trucker guy? Her interpersonal schemes were always more about satisfying her death fetish and wielding her own power than establishing relationships. She was clearly cold and calculating enough to kill her own brother. Hell, maybe the reason she even wore a neck brace was because that rubber costume was so uncomfortable.

But how dare I use the past tense on a Ryan Murphy Universe superstar? Hester’s probably not really dead. Why bedazzle a neck brace if it can’t save your life?

In Hester’s absence, Chanel gets to spend Thanksgiving at the Radwell Family Compound, a cranberry bog Chad’s ancestors bought from a bunch of Indians for six glass beads. Told you they were rich.

See you next week, when everyone not named Chanel shares Thanksgiving dinner because why not?