For a long time I thought that being a cheater was just who I was and who I was meant to be. Though it never felt good. I felt a constant pang of guilt and unworthiness. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for my girlfriends to find out how I was wronging them. I lived in a house of fear constructed on a foundation of my own stupidity.

It finally came to a head in my mid-20s. I was living with a girlfriend while dating another woman on the side. I was essentially two-timing both of them, and yet neither was a particularly good match. I wish I could say I had a lightbulb moment when I realized the error of my ways and decided to be a better person. I wish I could say that a heavenly angel descended from above and reminded me that I was a good soul who deserved to find someone compatible and stop the cycle of hurting others. But there was no epiphany. There was no aha moment.

I stopped cheating simply because I was exhausted.

It was incredibly draining — emotionally, mentally, and physically — to maintain this constant web of deceit. I was just too tired to keep up the charade and keep lying not only to others but to myself, about what I actually wanted in life, and who I was as a person.

I finally mustered up the strength to end things with both women (not all my doing, as there was mutual agreement with at least one that all was not well and that we were better off apart).

For the first time in my adult life, I was all alone — and I was terrified. But then something strange happened. I didn’t have the desire to run out and drink. I didn’t have the desire to follow strange women home. I didn’t have the desire to be consumed with complex life plots. I was perfectly content without the emotional baggage. Sober and alone, I started to feel something I had never felt before. I felt like myself.

I came to realize that I had absolute control over my actions and choices. That I was not destined to live a life of betrayal, or even one of non-monogamy (not that there’s anything wrong with that, if it's a conscious — and mutual — choice).