Were my genitals ever really gendered or were they always simply trans-genitals with the capacity for change? Was my body always a trans body, never binary, never gendered? All those socialised and structural learnings around how to act to lessen the external attacks and condemnations. I was taught to not be natural but to act to please others via unnatural performance. Even throughout the process of transitioning, I have had to fight to please myself and not please those outside of me who deem me not good enough, too freakish or just not real (often other trans folk who see me as transgressive and troublesome). I need to feel that the words I use for me and my body fully enclose and embrace all of my process, my struggle and the very core of my identity, the very nub of me.