I realize that by writing this letter, you’re essentially doing just that — and you really do deserve credit for it. It sounds as if you’re trying so hard to be reasonable and play fair. Don’t beat yourself up about this, okay? Self-flagellation doesn’t usually help the situation either. And, anyway, we’ve all been there.

We’ve not all been in an open, long-distance relationship that then became closed. I’m sure those particulars only serve to heighten the feelings you're feeling. But we have felt the choke-hold of jealousy in the presence of another person, and have wanted so badly to feel another way. Unfortunately, you can’t change your feelings any more than you can change the history of your relationship (or your boyfriend’s friendship with this woman). All you can control is how you act, now.

As in so many “hopeless” situations, it comes down to asking yourself: Who do I want to be in this situation? What is your goal, and how would you best achieve it? Do you want to find out if your boyfriend has feelings for this woman? Do you want to maintain and strengthen your romantic relationship? Get clear on the “what” first, and then the “how” will become clearer.

FYI, the goal cannot be something like, “I want to stop feeling jealous and feel only friendliness toward this woman.” That’s like trying to wish yourself un-drunk. Whether you decide to confront your boyfriend or keep your mouth shut, your emotions are going to do their thing until they’re done. If you try to wrestle your way out of feeling them, you’ll only wind up flat on your face. You are jealous right now — end of story. Sit there, ride it out. Call a friend to hang with you and make sure you don’t do anything crazy. Vent, cry, drink more water, and wait until you’re absolutely sure you’re thinking straight before you make any decisions. But do make them.

Here’s the thing: Even if you do everything right, you might have to fight the green monster again. Whenever there are other people, there is the potential for jealousy. I know you didn’t order this nasty little cocktail, but here you are. Since you’re already impaired, the best thing you can do is prove (to yourself, more than anyone) that you’re capable of handling this situation like an adult. So just behave like the person you want to be in the sober light of morning. When you’re okay with yourself, dealing with other people becomes much easier. That’s not to say you can make this situation easy. But you can avoid making it harder on yourself.