“Bring on the men!” JoJo opens the floodgates and the desperate (for camera time) guys seep in whether she likes them or not. Some of them get special hometown footage intros (Grant the firefighter looks longingly at the camera with “I just wanna stop stripping” eyes, Evan runs an erectile dysfunction clinic and can’t stop “cleverly” referring to hard-ons) while others let their antics do the talking. Well-researched yellow tie wearer, Robby, uncorks a bottle of red so the pair can swig it sans glasses in the style of famed Bachelor favorite, JoJo’s Mom. Smart! Right off the bat, JoJo really likes Aaron Rodgers’ brother Jordan, wine guy, and James F. “I didn’t come here for a rose. I came here for a relationship,” claims James. Sorry, sir! You get a rose, for now.

The list goes on; the duds drag out. Some weirdo offers JoJo blue balls and the opportunity to squeeze them at any time. Pass. A radio DJ named Wells hires All-4-One to sing “I Swear,” and JoJo knows that song, so she’s down for at least a few seconds or however long production needs to do multiple takes. Overall, though, JoJo loves anyone who TOUCHES HER. She’s all about that sensory experience to the point where she’ll overlook major red flags. When Christian, the intensely motivated big brother/father figure rolls in, leans in way too close, and beams, “I want to see you stay happy and smiling,” she brushes off his emotionally manipulative vibe and replies, “The motorcycle is hot!” Once inside the mansion, he quickly catches on and grabs some side boob, sequined for her pleasure. Later, JoJo rubs up on a faceless guy in a Santa suit, and I wonder if a) it’s because his red fur was so soft and this felt more comfy in general than awkward brain probes from unsettled nerds, and b) I’ve been doing this whole dating thing wrong my whole life. Whatever.

She’s just not here for the conversations, okay? JoJo wants to feel an instant connection with someone, and some of these guys are so…tense. Luckily, Jordan is there to share a mutual back/thigh caress and the first real kiss of the season (we’re just going to ignore the foppish method actor with a paper fortune teller and terrible timing). Plus, thank God, James F. has brought boxing gloves to show her more about his personality. “So many more conversations where it felt right!” JoJo gushes.