I’m sure I don’t have to convince you of the fact that most men rarely communicate directly about how they FEEL.
In fact, it’s very rare that a man will simply tell you if he’s feeling something intense.
Most men pride themselves on being highly “logical” and self-sufficient to the point where overt or intense emotional displays just aren’t part of how they communicate.
Now, how many female friends do you have who date men who aren’t very expressive or “open” on an emotional level?
And how many of these men are the kind of men who have always been, and will always be, less emotionally expressive?
It’s just the man’s nature.
But here’s the fascinating thing…
I can’t tell you how many smart women I’ve met and know who meet a great guy who’s one of these less-expressive men… but they hit it off with him since he’s a great guy and fall into a great relationship.
But sooner or later it happens…
The woman starts to become frustrated and upset with this man for NOT being communicative or expressive in the way that she wants him to be.
And instead of recognizing who the man really is that SHE CHOSE TO BE WITH… she goes about trying to change him and show him that he’s just wrong and unhealthy in the way he is.
This is Communication Mistake #1.
And when this happens… how do you think a “strong but silent” kind of man feels about a woman who is treating him this way?
I’ll tell you…
He feels like he’s suddenly being attacked and CRITICIZED.
And if you know the first thing about men, then you know that they don’t respond well to this at all.
Kind of like how a woman won’t respond well to a man who tells her she’s being too “emotional” when she’s trying to talk to him about something important to her.
For a man, the very last thing that will make him want to open up to a woman is a woman making him feel like he’s doing something wrong.
Of course, most women have no intention of trying to criticize a man, or make him feel like he’s “wrong.”
But that’s exactly how the things that they say and do make him FEEL.
And once you finally do make a man feel an intense emotion, it’s going to be VERY HARD to try and change the way he feels, or convince him to feel otherwise.
Now, I hope you’re sitting down… because what I’m about to share with you will change how you view men, dating, and relationships.
I’m about to take you “behind the scenes” in the male mind.
I’m going to give you a perspective that most women never see or realize.
Unfortunately for most women, not seeing things this way keeps them trapped in patterns of misunderstanding and unfulfilling relationships with men.
If you pay careful attention to what I’m about to share with you, you’re going to start having more success creating great communication between you and a man… and help you both start to understand each other more than you ever thought possible.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT MEN SAY AND WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN
Have you ever heard a man say something like:
“I’m not ready for a serious relationship”?
Or how about this one-
“I want my freedom”?
If you’ve been close in a relationship with a man and he pulled away, then of course you’ve heard this before.
Men say this stuff all the time.
Do you know what a man “really” means when he says these things?
And do you know WHAT TO DO that can instantly change a man’s predictable behavior of WITHDRAWAL or RESISTANCE?
If not, then it’s time you stop listening to what a man will SAY TO YOU about himself and his feelings… and start paying attention to what’s going on inside his heart and mind.
In the past, when I’d hear my friends, other men, and even myself say, “I’m not ready for a serious relationship” I knew that there was something more to it than a just a man who didn’t want a relationship with a woman.
In fact, I found that most of the men who said this quickly ended up in relationships with OTHER WOMEN soon after.
Men I knew well would be telling women they had been dating or in a relationship with that they weren’t ready for all that came with a “real” relationship…
But what did they do as soon as they were single again?
They would start meeting new women, go on dates, and once they found a woman they liked and were very attracted to, they’d spend most of their time with this one woman.
And they would do something else…
They’d stop dating any other women they might have met and move into this new relationship, even though they had just ended things with the last woman they felt strongly for because they didn’t want a “serious relationship.”
It almost didn’t make sense when I first started to recognize this pattern happening in other men around me.
But keep in mind, even though these things don’t always make sense to women, they make PERFECT sense to the men going through them.
Does this situation with men ever frustrate you or leave you feeling like men have NO CLUE what they’re doing?
Here’s the problem…
When a man says one of these things, he actually MEANS something that is different from what a woman would mean if she said the same words.
Let me explain.
If a woman says “I’m going to stay home and relax today”, she probably means that she’s going to stay home, make sure that her house and life are in order, catch up on chores and bills, and then maybe watch some shows on TV.
If a MAN says that he’s going to stay home and relax, he’s probably going to watch some sports, drink beer, look at pictures of women on the Internet, and order take-out food.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are reading this right now and you are a woman who watches sports, drinks beer, looks at pictures of women on the Internet, and orders take-out to relax, then contact me immediately at the email address below.
Ok, enough kidding around.
Back to our topic…
Men are DIFFERENT from women. And the words they use often don’t mean what they SOUND like they mean.
So, the FIRST thing that you have to get through your head is that just because a man SAYS something to you, it doesn’t mean always mean what you THINK it means.
Following me here?
Good. Because people make giant assumptions every day and play a dangerous game of what I call “Fill In The Gaps.”
This is where a woman fills in the info between the lines in order to come to her own conclusions about what a man was really saying and feeling.
Of course, if you’re still in the place in your life or in your relationship where you’re playing the “Fill In The Gaps” game… then the painful reality is that you still haven’t learned how to get to the meaning of what a man is saying to you simply through the everyday COMMUNICATION you share.
Which means… you’re forever locked in the dangerous game of trying to constantly guess what a man is thinking and feeling with you.
And sooner rather than later the man in your life is going become tired, annoyed and completely TURNED OFF by the way you and he talk… and he’s going to stop enjoying being around you altogether.
The quickest way to stop getting in your own way and turning off the man you’re seeing with all your attempts to get close to him and understand him…
THE BIG SECRET HE ISN’T TELLING YOU
There’s a secret that men never happen to mention about what they want with a woman, why they date, and what it means for them to have a relationship.
Unfortunately, for the good women who are trying to create a great relationship with a man… and hoping that if they try hard enough to make him happy with them he’ll stay… this little secret is causing a LOT of pain and frustration.
The SECRET is that most men DO want a relationship with an amazing woman.
BUT… (and this is an important insight it might take you a few hours, days, or even weeks to start to understand for yourself)
Men only want a relationship with a woman who already has about 100 other qualities that they never mention and could probably never list or describe even if they were asked to.
And they’ll only end up emotionally involved and not RESISTING a long-term relationship if they experience for themselves a woman who proves she has these qualities over time.
In other words, if a man says, “I need to be alone right now”, what he REALLY means is:
I want a woman who will make me FEEL better when I’m with her than I do in my everyday life as a single man.
The REALITY is that when a man says one of these “I want my freedom” statements, he actually has an IDEAL woman in mind who understands who he is and won’t make it feel like “work” when he’s with her.
A man wants a woman who knows how to have and enjoy a relationship… instead of one who spends her time and energy trying to analyze, worry, and “fix” things.
The reality of this situation is that what a man REALLY wants is a woman who makes him feel MORE of the EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response I like to call ATTRACTION… and LESS of the worry and confusion that men don’t often like or know how to deal with that comes from “working” on a serious relationship.
For most men, feeling and sharing attraction on a physical and emotional level IS the definition of a good relationship.
Of course, I’m not just talking about the common “short-term” kind of attraction that’s mostly physical…
You already know that a relationship takes a whole lot more than just this kind of thing to work and LAST.
I’m also talking about the more “long-term” kind of attraction that comes from a deeper EMOTIONAL connection and understanding.
A man wants a woman who makes him FEEL great both when he’s with her… AND when he’s alone.
In other words, they want a woman who knows how to be loving and affectionate, but independent at the same time.
But most men either can’t describe the things that actually make them feel this kind of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with a woman, or they don’t WANT to have to describe it to a woman, because they want a woman who already IS those things – and doesn’t need to learn them.
Think about it.
If you were hiring a bodyguard, would you want one that said, “Yeah, I can be a bodyguard. Just give me some time to learn…” or would you want one that already KNEW how to protect and defend anytime, anywhere without having to “learn”?
Well, the same goes with men.
They don’t WANT a woman they have to train.
The last thing a man wants to do, or thinks is possible, is to take a woman who DOESN’T “naturally” understand these things, and show her what they are and how they work.
If you don’t already know how to relate to a man in a way that appeals to him and shows him that you “get” all these things, then no amount of “talking things through” or trying to improve things together is going to help you or make him start seeing you as the woman he wants to stay with.
WHAT IS A “COOL GIRL”?
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of a “Cool Girl.”
You hear most men using the term, and some women.
Men everywhere, without ever having talked to each other, share a common idea about women and use the term “Cool Girl” universally.
In some places the actual words are different, but the idea is the same.
But what does it actually MEAN?
And is it important that men all have this common belief about women?
Well, after thinking about this particular idea for a long time, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a VERY important topic.
At this point, I believe that a COOL GIRL is this “ideal” that men imagine when they’re saying “I want my freedom.”
They’re thinking of the COOL GIRL, and then they’re imagining themselves with a woman who is this way.
There are a lot of aspects to this COOL GIRL.
Here are a few that are important:
-Lack of Insecurities
…and the list goes on.
It’s actually not easy to describe a COOL GIRL in a few sentences… but the truth is that a man can recognize one INSTANTLY.
For more on exactly what a COOL GIRL is, how they naturally communicate with men in a way that makes men think, “This is the kind of woman who I can see myself committing and staying with”…
Then check out my “Catch Him & Keep Him” eBook.
Not only does it describe how men think when it comes to dating and why they commit to and stay in relationships with women… but it showsyou how to start interacting with a man and create a deeper gut-level emotional attraction with him IMMEDIATELY.
You can download it here and be reading it in just a minute:
THE MISTAKE MOST WOMEN MAKE
Now, there’s a common and often irreversible mistake that women make with men when they’re dating and in relationships.
Let me ask you…
If you wanted to get closer to a man, have him see you as a great person, develop a strong connection, and get him to “open up” with you, then it would makes sense to do and say the things that you know work to create more love and affection, right?
This is the first inclination most women have with men – to do the things that THEY think create love and connection.
What if a man did this with you?
What if he decided that you worked the way he did, and so he decided to come up to you and start talking about sex, sports, and quickly get close to you physically?
A man might quickly be drawn in by a woman who did these things (not for all the right reasons, of course), but that doesn’t mean he should be trying them with a woman if he wants any kind of success.
In other words, the things that work FOR YOU as a woman are NOT what work for a MAN.
Thinking this way couldn’t lead to worse results in dating situations and relationships.
But TONS of women use this tactic of what I call “Selfish Love.” They treat a man the way they would want to be treated if they were going to share love and connection with a man.
Another common mistake women make is taking something that a man SAYS that he wants and doing it TOO MUCH, thinking that if “A little bit is good, then more must be better.”
For instance, a man SAYS to you that he likes women who are physical and affectionate. So you start touching him all the time, grab his hand and hold it everywhere you go, and always stay right next to him.
Then what happens?
He leaves you for his ex-girlfriend after telling you he feels like you’re too “needy”.
Huh? What’s going on here?
This would be kind of like a woman saying, “My favorite food is chocolate” and a man thinking it would be good to feed her chocolate for every meal just because it’s her favorite… or adding chocolate to every single dish he makes for her from now on… and forgetting that 97% of what she eats still needs to be OTHER FOOD.
Let me land the plane for you.
Men don’t MEAN what you THINK they mean when they talk about what they want and don’t want.
And if you take the things men say too literally, you’re going to wind up shooting yourself in the foot.
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN…
So let me “decode” what men “really” mean when they say common things.
Consider this your own personal “male language translator.” Refer to it often.
WHEN A MAN SAYS…
“I don’t want a serious relationship right now.”
WHAT HE REALLY MEANS IS…
“I ONLY WANT A RELATIONSHIP with a woman who already has her act together, is attractive, healthy, independent, easy-going, confident, and who is emotionally in control of herself and her own life. When we’re together I want her to share her feelings and challenge and inspire me to keep her love and interest and be a great man… but I also want her to know how to do this without trying to change me or turning our relationship into MORE WORK and LESS FUN than I can have on my own.”
Does this make sense?
Again, he’s NOT imagining a picture of an overly-emotional, predictable, needy woman who is trying to get him to connect with her and sharing her feelings because she’s so worried about things “working out.”
WHEN A MAN SAYS…
“I want an independent woman.”
WHAT HE REALLY MEANS IS…
“I want a woman who doesn’t get upset about petty things and who knows how to keep her head when things get tough or confusing. But I also want her to be in touch with her feelings so that:
1) She doesn’t repress her emotions and end up more frustrated and resentful of me, and…
2) When she’s alone and intimate with me, she’s open and “present”… and she’ll share her love and affection freely.”
What a man is NOT doing is making a picture of a passive woman whose entire mood and state of mind is dependent on what she thinks is the state of her relationship and what it means that a man did or said something.
WHEN A WOMAN SAYS:
“I want a guy who’s a good communicator.”
WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS IS…
“I want a guy who doesn’t talk all the time, because he knows how to let me know what’s on his mind without using words. I want the kind of guy who can touch me in a certain way and I feel tingles all over my body. And I want the kind of guy that can say things in a way that I understand… not crudely and man-like.”
WHAT MAKES A MAN FEEL COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY WITH A WOMAN
You might not see this right now, but for most men, there’s nothing more important than knowing that he makes a woman feel great when she’s with him.
If you think this truth about men through, you’ll start to have a shift in perspective and see something you’ve probably never seen before.
When a woman comes to a man and wants to talk about something she thinks is wrong in their relationship, he often gets upset. Not because he doesn’t want to listen to the woman or talk…
But because it’s difficult for him to come to terms with the idea that the woman could be unhappy with him.
A man thinks, “It makes me feel like less of a man since I don’t make her happy. If she’s unhappy, then somewhere inside I must not be good enough.”
Imagine if a man was constantly expressing his feelings about your relationship to you that seemed disappointed and frustrated.
How would it make you feel?
Sure, as a woman you might think to yourself that you’d talk to him about it and try and make things better…
But the reality is that you’d start to have one of 2 things come into your mind either consciously or unconsciously:
1. Something really is wrong with YOU and the way you are in the relationship, and he’s trying to tell you
2. Something is wrong with HIM and how HE thinks and feels that has nothing to do with you, and it’s his own “bad thinking” about HIMSELF that’s making him obsessively unhappy
The reality is, either way, a whole lot MORE DISTANCE is created between you two.
Now, lots of women draw the conclusion that this means you should try and pretend things are ok when they’re not.
That when you’re not having the physical and emotional connection with a man you know is possible, that you can’t communicate how you feel with a man.
My point: If you want to learn how to connect with a man on a deeper level, then what you say isn’t the most IMPORTANT thing.
It’s how and when you say it.
I’ll tell you something –
Learning the secrets of communicating with a man and creating a deep level of Physical and “Emotional Attraction” can be very rewarding.
A lot of women know EXACTLY what it’s like to be in a relationship with a man who has NO INTENTION of committing to something more serious.
In other words, he’s not feeling that powerful gut-level ATTRACTION for you that makes all the fear and excuses for NOT being with you and building a great life and partnership go away without RESISTANCE.
Do you know how to make a man FEEL this way when he’s with you?
Or are you still trying to “CONVINCE” him with words and your own knowledge and “logic” that a close, loving, lasting relationship with him will make you two happy together?
Well, let me tell you…
Just like all the other things that a man “says” that he wants and doesn’t want with a woman… that most women don’t ever “get”, being the woman a man is NATURALLY ATTRACTED to on a deep level is one of the BIG ONES.
This kind of attraction is THE thing that will make a man who “says” he doesn’t want a serious relationship beg a woman for a real commitment and a future together.
If you understand the secrets of how attraction works for a man, you will notice that men will start to behave VERY differently around you.
For more specific techniques and step-by-step systems for becoming all of these things that I’ve mentioned above, then I recommend that you check out my CD/DVD program.
It’s called “Natural and Lasting Attraction”
You can watch some great sample videos from this program and see what other women had to say about it and the real-life benefits it has brought into their love lives here:
If you’re ready to take things to the next level, and you’re REALLY SERIOUS about getting this area of your life handled… and about having TOTAL POWER AND CONFIDENCE with a man in EVERY RELATIONSHIP SITUATION from getting close for the first time, to having “the talk”, to making a lasting COMMITMENT, then you owe it to yourself to check out my Natural & Lasting Attraction CD/DVD program.
It’s over 6 full hours of me teaching LIVE… and it will teach you exactly how to become the woman a man won’t just want to be with, but will want to get a COMMITMENT from.
Go get all the details, plus watch some great video clips of the program here:
I’ll talk to you again soon and best of luck in life and love.