Don’t Sweat the Rejection & the Air Quote Date
As I sit listening to a hair metal classics playlist, I am a little nervous about this week’s post. I feel like I really need to bring the funny. While my stories seemed hilarious shortly after they occurred, I am not so sure they hold up. Nevertheless, here are the stories, mostly true, for you enjoyment.
In the last installment, I discussed the profile and how to properly market yourself- in summary, you do you. Here’s why….at some point, if things go the way they should, you will be meeting some of these people in real life. If things go well, you could be spending some time with one (or more, whatever) of the lucky gents. Obviously, you are going to have to do you at some point. So, I think it’s less stressful to lead with that. You do you from the start, then you will know and they will know and you won’t have to worry about that whole “when they find out the truth” thing.
But being real is scary….
Yes, putting yourself out there is terrifying. Trust me, it took me a VERY long time to get to the point where I even considered it. Then it took me an even longer time to think about it. Then it took more time to do it. Then, I just said f’ it and dove in head first—this is kind of my approach to everything. So how do you be real, risk the rejection, and not be destroyed every time? I have developed a motto that has served as a great reminder of why rejection is ok, survivable even, in part thanks to my dear friend and dating adviser, Shannon. That motto goes like this:
“Everyone is entitled to pursue their own happiness which may or may not include me.”
There you go.
(Shannon has talked me through many dating frustrations. She is a guru. Her words can be trusted.)
This is the truth. Think about it, if you meet someone, you go out with them, and it’s just not there, do you want to continue wasting your time? No, you want to move on and try again. That doesn’t mean that rejection doesn’t sting a little or sometimes, hurt, but this truth removes the personal responsibility from you. As you will read in plenty of dating advice columns, not everyone will want what you’re offering. And that’s ok. Move on, don’t stop until it’s what you want!
I have been divorced for a while now. I haven’t dated a lot (and for some years not at all.) This is why it was super exciting for some of my people when I decided to go for it! I feel pretty guilty about the times talk of my dating shenanigans dominated our connect group dinners. But it was also affirming because I knew my people were rooting for me and they believed I could go out there with confident expectation. Especially after the ‘accidental’ butt-graze hazing of my friend’s hubby to prepare me for the date as I looked at my friend with mortification, fearing the next place I was going to wake up would be the gravel road after she gave me a beat down.
I was safe.
“The Air Quote Date”
By this time I had begun conversations with potential dates via the Snatch.com messenger and text. One of the strangest experiences I had, mostly because I was being weird, was what I have since dubbed the “Air Quote Date.”
The “Air Quote Date” took place on a busy Saturday in the spring. Seriously though, every day is busy with a job and kids and at the time I think I was still working a side job so I was doing my best to squeeze in time with dates whenever. I was meeting up with “the DJ.” I named him that because he was a weekend DJ. This particular weekend he had a gig so we were meeting in between his set-up and before his show. Before the date we had some conversations via text and voice (like, on the phone, I know!) and he called me ‘doll.’ I’m pretty sure he referred to all women that way. I thought, ok, he has a hipster-y vernacular, I can roll with this—once again, my ‘I can make it work- attitude!’ Normally my inner feminist would find this annoying but I decided it was edgy and agreed to meet him. Even after he called me doll and also called me out for not initiating conversation and saying ‘you can flirt too you know!’
Oh, you want me to flirt?
Sooo, about that….I don’t like to pursue. I like to be pursued. Will I do it? Yes, depending on how much I want the thing I am pursuing. However, I can be a little relentless so I am doing us all a favor here. Also, on the flirting-yeah, not great at that. In addition, I am not one to flirt before I know if I like you. What good does that do? To me that seems dishonest and disingenuous. If we meet and I like you, then I will attempt flirtation but not before. I’m not into leading people on.
I met the DJ at a very busy spot in Norman since it was closer to his gig. I arrived first and there was very little seating. I found a small table crammed into a corner. He was running late. I can let that go since I am a habitually tardy person. (Sorry friends.) While I was waiting, a woman who was waiting for a to-go order asked if she could take the other chair and since he wasn’t there yet, I said yes. Thus began a very awkward date…..
He arrived to find the random woman at the table with me…it was awkward as he gave her with an annoyed glance until I spoke up. She took a seat somewhere else and he sat down. He was super tall….I commented on that multiple times. (awkward) We made small talk. I learned that he didn’t have a relationship with his children (strike 1!) who lived with their ‘crazy’ mothers (strike 1.5!) in other states.
Then he showed me a new app he was developing. His day job was some form of IT, so that made sense. Ok, an app, I was almost impressed! Buuuuuuut, it was a dating app….just like Snatch.com, only you could customize your profile pic with a frame announcing your favorite sports team. Suddenly I was worried that I was in the middle of a very misleading sales pitch….timeshare cabin anyone??
He explained all of the cool features that his dating app had while I pretended to think it was awesome. And for some reason, I kept making air quotes with my hands when I was talking. Maybe it was the swirl I drank, I don’t know, but eventually I noticed I was doing it. Me being me, I commented on it. “I don’t know why I keep doing that!!” I tried to stop but I just kept doing it! Eventually I tried sitting on my hands. As the date came to a close, he walked me to my car and we exchanged parting pleasantries and went on our way. He said, ‘thanks, I had ‘fun,’ with the air quotes…..and that was the end of that.
My theory of what went wrong: when we were standing at the car he saw my ‘I’m dancing with Bernie’ button hanging from my visor. He was obviously a Republican.
Why I didn’t want to date him anyway: I’m not big on guys who don’t parent their children. That says a lot about them as a person. Also, more than one crazy ex is too many. Also, the whole ‘doll’ thing turned out to be pretentious and annoying.
What I learned: I learned not to do air quotes like a person with hand Tourette’s on a date.
Things I am Overcoming!
Last week I mentioned that I would discuss some of my personal barriers that could be killing my dating game. During my story, some of those probably stood out. I might be too genuine. I might need to practice my flirt game. I am accepting tips on that!
While I try to throw them all out the window, I do have some expectations. Sometimes I don’t know if I am really willing to be tied down. I have standards. Maybe they are a little high? I am crazy insecure at times. That right there is my enemy numero uno. We can talk about that more later…
Next week: The Tale of the Bachelor in the Bathroom
P.S.I keep seeing this verse! Could be a good sign 😉
For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.
Matthew 7:8 NLT
“Hey doll,wanna go for a spin? I have a HUGE record collection.”