A couple of days ago, I received the following note by email, which I'm going (with permission) to share with you today, together with my reply:
"Hi Anna. After reading your last post about encouraging homemakers, I thought I'd email you. I have been married for about a year now, and while we haven't been blessed with children yet, I never run out of things to do at home. I enjoy my calling as wife and helpmeet, and find true satisfaction in creating a warm and cozy home. The problem: my husband doesn't appreciate my work. Normally I try to complete all the daily chores before he comes home and welcome him when I'm refreshed and relaxed. It seems as though he resents me 'not being properly tired'! Before we got married, he said many times how much he would love me to be a stay at home mom, but it seems he doesn't see a point in me being 'just' a stay at home wife. Recently he started pressuring me to find a job. I'm afraid of neglecting my home and our relationship, and also of getting used to having a second income and not being able to quit once we do have children. This is creating a lot of tension between us. What am I to do? Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Hi Carolyn! I'm not married yet, so it might be that I can't have a really thorough understanding of your situation (and that's why, if you don't mind, I will share this on my blog; hopefully we'll get some feedback from married ladies!). However, I understand very well your feeling of being under-appreciated. As you probably already know I'm a grown-up daughter who spends most of her time at home, and more than once, I had to face the question, 'so, what do you do?'
Usually I try not to get into lengthy discussions about the way I view my role as a woman; sometimes I answer tongue-in-cheek: 'What, you mean apart from organizing, cooking, baking, cleaning, decorating, budgeting, scheduling, learning new skills, my crafts, and oh, I almost forgot, tending to the needs of my elderly grandmother?'
I also understand your point about being resented for not being 'properly tired'. In our crazy world, many people are overwhelmed and exhausted on the border of collapse, so much that it actually begins to seem normal. Isn't it ironic how it seems almost indecent to seem cheerful and peaceful at the end of the day? And even as someone who devotes herself to her family and home, there is the temptation of justifying our presence by being as hectic-paced as a woman who tries to balance career, marriage and home; otherwise, doesn't it mean we're not using our time well? Doesn't it mean we are lazy?
Well, no. And while I found out that, just like you said, I never run out of things to do at home, and could do them from morning till night, running around with my to-do list and crossing things off it, I think this would ruin much of the value and pleasure of good home life. After all, one of our major goals is creating a peaceful dwelling, right? So I think it's good and right that you try not to pile too much on yourself every single day, so that you can truly be there for your husband when he comes home. You have the energy to talk to him, hear about his day, cheer him up. This important part of your relationship would be in danger if you came from work, exhausted, and still with a zillion chores to do, instead of spending quality time together.
You could point this out to your husband, along with other reasons why you feel it's the best decision for you to remain at home. You could, together, go over the reasons why your husband wants you to be a stay-at-home mother, and see if any of them are still applicable while you don't have children yet. You want to take into consideration work-related expenses, too, which might eat away a larger part of your income than you imagine. And like you already said, you don't want to get used to a second income for funding additional, unnecessary expenses, which will make it much more difficult to come back home if and when you become a mother.
But ultimately, I think you should put your trust in God and follow your husband's authority in this area; if after you discuss it, he is still adamant about you finding a job outside the home, so be it. Maybe your work at home, which is not appreciated when it's quietly done while your husband is away, will be missed when you don't have as much time to invest in your home. More importantly, maybe your husband will miss the special time you had in the evenings, when he came from work to a pretty, clean home, a delicious home-made dinner, a cheerful, welcoming smile, and relaxed conversation.
… Married homemakers: your input will be very much appreciated, especially those of you who don't have children yet. Mothers: did you work outside the home before you had children? If you didn't, what was your reasoning? If you did, did you feel it takes a toll on your family life?