I recently polled everyone I know to come up with a definitive list of the best haircuts ever to appear on television. And by “best,” I mean “worst.” I probably should have just written that in the first place.
Also, I didn’t poll anyone. This is completely my own list, and I have undoubtedly left out a few egregious ’dos; please point out any glaring omissions in the comments section. And feel free to call me out for how my hair looked in my appearance on Beat the Geeks.
But first, a few quick notes about the selection process. Unintentionally terrible haircuts are what I’m counting down here, so greatly discounted are the many ugly shags that are the result of actors and producers hoping to create a “look” for particular characters. This is why Mr. Spock and Paulie Walnuts don’t appear on the list, for example. Also, cartoon characters and other non-humans have been limited to the most ridiculous examples and have been inserted here and there mainly as palate cleansers, while characters from The Simpsons have been banned from consideration out of fear that this would turn into a list entirely comprised of terrible Simpsons haircuts. And in general, hair hubris—the phenomenon that occurs whenever people think their locks are stylish yet they are anything but (yes, we’re talking to you, #1)—scores a lot of points.
And we’re off, like a toupee blowing in the wind!
30. John Stamos (Full House)
It’s hard to believe this vomitus of a haircut was a major factor behind Uncle Jesse blossoming into a sex symbol, but hey, it was the late 1980s.
28. Marina Sirtis (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
If Counselor Troi was truly an empath, then why did she fail to sense how revolted the audience was by the ever-changing bird’s nest on her head?
27. Chris Berman (ESPN)
Berman: rockin’ the clueless comb-over since 1979.
26. Zoot (The Muppets)
This sax-toting Muppet’s yarn hair just screams, “Pass the doob, man.”
25. Sebastian Oppenheim (NYC Prep)
This jerk-off was made out to be some kind of a hunk, but he’s really nothing more than the second coming of Billy Zabka from The Karate Kid.
24. Mario Lopez (Saved by the Bell)
Slater’s early-period mullet is hereby dubbed “The Icky Wrestler.”
23. Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker)
Wig? No. The hair of Bravo’s most neurotic dating guru just plays one on TV.
22. Gabe Kaplan (Welcome Back, Kotter)
Has TV ever seen a more legendary—or grody—Jew ’fro? Is Gabe Kaplan funny?
21. Donald Trump (The Apprentice)
The Donald would rank much higher if his meta-coiffure hadn’t already been a national joke when he joined the NBC family.
20. Derrick Tribbett (Daisy of Love)
Tribbett, better known as nu metal musician Sinister, made it to Daisy’s final four despite the snakepit he tries to pass off as hair.
19. Robby Rist (The Brady Bunch)
I mean, just look at this photo of jinxed cousin Oliver.
18. Richard Dean Anderson (MacGyver)
This image will soon be appearing on Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians.
17. Erin Moran (Happy Days)
Chachi was no prize, but it was always a bit confusing how he could possibly love someone with this thing on her head.
16. Simon Cowell (American Idol)
Simon Cowell’s bristly ’do is the hair equivalent of William Hung.
15. Nancy McKeon (The Facts of Life)
Jo was supposed to be the tomboy, sure, but this mannish mane is worse than every single women’s college basketball coach added together.
14. George Clooney (The Facts of Life)
Even the mask on the wall behind Clooney is laughing. And yet just ten years later, every woman in America wanted to sleep with him.
13. Prince Adam/He-Man (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)
By the power of numbskull!
12. Adam Curry (MTV)
How was this ever allowed to happen?
11. Gene Shalit (The Today Show)
He’d certainly rank higher on the list of worst TV mustaches of all time, but his amorphous afro has been causing morning sickness since joining The Today Show in 1973.
10. Markie Post (Night Court)
And yet her unmistakable beauty is somehow still beguiling.
9. Shawn Southern (Tool Academy)
Obviously, this guy was on the right show.
8. Bob Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo)
This hairstyle doesn’t even remotely resemble a kangaroo’s!
7. Jesse Camp (MTV)
Probably due to a glitch in the space/time/hair continuum, this loon managed to beat the very likable Dave Holmes in MTV’s Wanna Be a VJ contest.
6. Bob Ross (The Joy of Painting)
Fact: Bob Ross stored his paintbrushes in his afro.
5. Adam Lambert (American Idol)
Somehow, even this guy’s haircut can be blamed on Paula Abdul.
4. The Gotti boys (Growing Up Gotti)
The really strange this is, they actually use zero hair product.
3. Sanjaya Malakar (American Idol)
See description for #5. And oddly, #8.
2. Christian Siriano (Project Runway)
If he could only design a hat that would forever cover this fierce hot mess of hair.
1. Kate Gosselin (Jon & Kate Plus 8)
The haircut alone is grounds for divorce.