Well, after a long few months of playin’ the field, bouncing from fling to fling, and being an all around bachelor/bachelorette who can’t be tied down, it’s finally almost cuffing season.
I know I’m ready for it! Having to do all that, uh, all that freaking making out this off season…it was exhausting! I mean, damn! I was just like all tangled up with all the girlfriends, like just absolutely caught up with so many smokin’ hot babes, that I couldn’t even really do any of my hobbies like working out and moving out of my childhood bedroom! It was nuts!
So now I’m excited I can take a deep breath of this crisp cuffin’ season air and settle down with a singular shawty. But if your game is weak (unlike mine, as I just said, I’ve spent the past few months sucking face with definitely real women), you may have to have some tricks up your sleeve to get a new significant other.
Luckily for you, djchickenparm knows what all the fellas and females are digging these days. Everyone holds their musical taste very near and dear to their heart, and saying you like the right artists to the right person can be the key to unlocking that heart, and being let in for a solid few months of cold weather-induced companionship.
Let’s start off with the guys.
Music Guys Can Lie About Liking To Get Chicks
Two things come to mind when you think of Ariana Grande: posing for a ton of pictures at her concert, and massive sweatshirts. Just absolutely gargantuan crew necks. So by saying “I love Ariana Grande”, you automatically become boyfriend material. Why would a girl date a guy? We’re disgusting. There’s not much we have to offer except the pictures girls can post with you and the sweatshirts girls can steal from you. So by the transitive property, you like Ariana —> they like her gigantic snuggie-length sweatshirts —> they like you. It’s a classic Pavlov’s dog situation.
The good news about this one is you’ll only be lying at first. Harry Styles is incredible. The man’s handsome as hell and a god of a musician. Girls know about him already because they were introduced via One Direction when you were a little homophobic 8th grader. You have to take off those prejudice-goggles, say that you like him, and then actually start listening and genuinely start liking him. The bad news is, you’ll soon realize you’re not even a quarter of the man Harry is and break up with your girlfriend after about 2 weeks of listening because you genuinely think she deserves better….but that 2 week window could be nice!
Lana Del Rey
Fair warning, this one is dangerous. If you use this one you’re going to lock down a sadgirl. You’ll probably have to listen to this on a CD she burned because aux cords aren’t compatible with her 1998 Ford Taurus, her shower doesn’t get nearly as much use as it should, and every time you kiss her you’re going to be inhaling little baby clouds of cig smoke. Girls that listen to Lana Del Rey should legally be required to wear T-Shirts with this on it.
Besides the second hand smoke though, this could be a pretty good gig for you. You won’t have to spend a ton of money at the bar, she’d rather stay at home and watch Tarantino movies with a glass of whiskey. You won’t have to answer text messages about all her problems, she’s got plenty of unhealthy coping mechanisms for that! AND you won’t have to buy her flowers when she’s feeling sad, she wants to feel sad! Why else would she listen to the abhorrent ghost-like moaning of Lana Del Rey?
The National Anthem
This one’s perfect for all the young conservative ladies out there. She has to make sure you don’t want her dad’s company to have to pay more taxes so her family won’t have to sell the Malibu property before Spring Break. How do you do that? Say our country’s official favorite song is your favorite song too.
Is it wrong to lie in order to score a MAGA babe? NOT AT ALL. I hate Trump as much as the next guy but if I can secure myself a lil’ Mami Lahren this cuffin season you can catch me dumping plastic straws by the bucket into the Atlantic Ocean, sharing Ben Shapiro videos on Facebook, and spackling the Border Wall with one hand while holding a loaded firearm in the other.
Now guys, you had it easy. Girls normally have better taste in music than guys. Sure, dudes may be forced to listen to a few of Lizzo’s bangers at the pregame, so what? At least you’re not a girl who’s gonna have to pretend to love listening to Trippie Redd at full volume at 10am on the way to Sunday Brunch when all she really wanted was to take 3 advil and let John Mayer suppress the scaries for another hour or two.
So ladies, if you want your best bet at securing a BF this CS, you’re gonna wanna check out these musical selections below.
Music Girls Can Lie About Liking To Get A Guy
Every young guy thinks Travis Scott is the next coming of Christ. My guy stole Cudi’s humming, screamed a little bit more, added some auto-tune and men worship him. You think you spent a lot of money at Madewell last weekend? You haven’t seen a dude raid the merch tent at a Travis Scott concert. Guys come with hundreds lined up and leave with a new sweatshirt, gym shorts, winter mittens, and a Cactus Jack Onesie for their future kid to wear 10 years down the line. If you want to make a guy think you’re a galaxy brain human-being, tell him you love Travis (do NOT say “Travis SCOTT” guy’s only call him “Travis” to make themselves feel like he’s a close personal friend).
The Rolling Stones
This is a great one to lie about liking because it’s minimal effort. Every dude on the planet likes the Rolling Stones, but most of them can really only name like 3-4 songs. “Paint It Black”, “Gimme Shelter”, “Satisfaction”, and “Sympathy for the Devil” are really the only ones you gotta know. Just the ones they use in mob movie trailers.
Liking rock music will make you seem more “manly”, which turns guys on. While you’re at it say you love eating wings and watching football too. The more stereotypically a dude you are the hotter you’ll be. All guys want to do is have a romantic relationship with another man, but with another man who doesn’t have a penis. You have the opportunity here to be that (wo)man.
The Office Theme Song
If you’re really trying to lock down a man this cuffing season. You are just completely desperate to be someone’s girlfriend. Just go as vanilla, middle-of-the-road, “I’m a normal human-being” as possible, and say you love The Office theme song. The guy will hear that and be like “Oh she likes the Office? That’s dope. I love watching the Office. We could watch the Office together.” Guys don’t want to put effort into doing anything, so by letting them know you like doing what they already do, that’s an easy “Sure I guess I’ll date them” from a guy. I don’t care if you like funnier shows than this, like Parks and Rec, DON’T RISK IT. Play it safe. Earn their trust.
If you want to strike a chord with some finance bros, this is the route to go. They’re workin on excel sheets at Wells Fargo BUMPIN “Lean On” through their Air Pods thinking about how they can’t wait to run the pong table at their $5,000 per month apartment in Manhattan this weekend. And while you’re in the corner sipping on a warm white claw (he didn’t have room for in his fridge) watching him call out the other team for “elbows” you can get on the aux and play some Snake. If he gets balls back even once while “Let Me Love You” is playing he’ll be calling you his “good luck charm” for the next 6-8 months until the new interns from NYU start up and he thinks they’re all hitting on him when they genuinely just don’t know where the printer is.
What? You’ve never heard of Nocturnal Sunshine? Well, that’s because they’re not real. Every guy knows that hipster chicks who are into obscure indie music we’ve never heard of are always hot. We wanna stare into your eyes through your Warby Parker frames and eat kale chips to lose weight but tell the boys we’re eating them because you like them. That’s all we’ve ever wanted.
And who’s this picture of then? Well, that’s the cast of This Is Us on NBC. Go ahead, show it to him. He doesn’t watch the show. He’ll never know the difference.
Safe Bets For All Genders
Whether you’re a girl going for a guy or a guy going for a girl or a guy going for a guy or a girl going for a girl or someone who is non-binary who really isn’t looking for someone right now and just wants to spend the night in watching the new season of Peaky Blinders, this is good music to say you like.
You get approached at the bar by an 11 when you’re out here, a sweaty 5 (tops) and a few too many deep and they say “so what kinda music you like?” DO NOT PANIC. Everyone universally agrees these people are pretty good. You’re not gonna win the “most interesting personality award” but if it keeps that 11 on the line it’s well worth it to say any of the following:
- Post Malone
- Queen (if their music can trick people into liking the movie “Bohemian Rhapsody” it can definitely trick them into liking you romantically.)
- Bruce Springsteen
- 90’s Summer Jams (Sugar Ray, Third Eye Blind, you get the idea)
- “September” by Earth, Wind, Fire
- “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers
- “Ugh man I love so many different kinds it’s so hard to choose”
DON’T BRING THESE GUYS UP
Just so you don’t breakup before you even start dating, avoid mentioning these names. Some are cancelled, some are polarizing, and others are just weird.
- R. Kelly (obviously)
- Chris Brown (should be obvious, but isn’t)
- Michael Jackson (Jackson 5 is exponentially better, “I Want You Back” Michael did nothing to those kids and that’s a fact.)
- Eminem (If someone says this run as fast as you can, he’s got Monster Energy Drink running through his veins and a notepad at home with Joker-scribble on it)
- Kanye West (more likely than not, someone will have an opinion on him, and more likely than not it won’t be a good one, unless of course you’re trying to cuff me, in which case, double down on him).
- Anything Metal (If the person’s wearing eyeblack, one of those chokers with the spikes on it, or have their eyelids pierced or something go ahead and call an audible.)
- Anything before the year 1965
- Anything that’s TOO middle-of-the-road, like One Republic or something.
Well, there you have it folks. If you use any of the tips above I can guarantee you’ll be cuffed as a convict by the time the Daylight Savings Time Depression kicks in.
ps. I’m single ladies 😉 share this with your friends who have low standards