Starting a family is an exciting and life-changing time. But if it "takes a village" to help raise a child, it often takes an assorted cast of Village People to help LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer) individuals and couples start the families they dream of — that group might include a cadre of medical and legal professionals, government and social workers, as well as many other facilitators, Good Samaritans and supporters, to name just a few.
Those who identify as LGBTQ+ don’t always think being a mom, dad or other non-binary parental designation is necessarily in the cards for them. Fortunately, along with increasing support for LGBTQ+ equal rights in the U.S., the acceptance and visibility of LGBTQ+ people and families continues to grow.
According to a 2021 report from Gallup, 5.6 percent of American adults (approximately 18 million) identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, more than a 1 percent increase of LGBT-identifying adults since Gallup’s previous update in 2017. What's more, younger generations are more likely to self-identify as LGBT compared to older generations: 15.9 percent of Gen Z and 9.1 percent of Millennials identify as LGBT compared to 3.8 percent of Gen X and 2 percent Baby Boomers.
Still, the path to parenthood can be complicated for LGBTQ+ families. Here's what you need to know as you start the journey.
Paths to parenthood for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be
Although parenthood has always existed for LGBTQ+ parents — and many children in LGBTQ+ families were conceived via penis-in-vagina intercourse — there are two primary paths to parenthood for LGBTQ+ individuals or couples looking to become parents:
- Adoption: Defined as the creation of a legal parent-child relationship between a parent who is not automatically recognized as a child’s parent at birth, adoption is a common path to parenthood for LGBTQ+ people. Each year, an estimated 135,000 children are adopted in the U.S. A 2007 report by Urban Institute found that 4 percent of adopted children and nearly 3 percent of foster children in the U.S. are raised by gay or lesbian parents. (Trans, queer and non-binary identifying parents were not assessed in the study.) Meanwhile, more than 2 million LGBTQ+ individuals have reported interest in adopting. Within the scope of adoption, there is agency adoption, independent adoption, public agency adoption and international adoption.
- Conception: This path to parenthood can include assisted reproductive technologies such as IVF (in vitro fertilization), IUI (intrauterine insemination) and ICI (intracervical insemination); surrogacy; or co-parenting. There may be additional considerations for transgender parents-to-be, such as banking eggs or sperm prior to medical transition or pausing the use of gender-affirming hormones during conception and gestation.
Whichever direction you choose, there are numerous routes and side paths to explore and consider. The road to parenthood is rarely clear or obvious for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be, so looking at all your options may help you determine the best path.
Adoption options for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be
There are more than 1.1 million same-sex couples living in the U.S., and 14.7 percent of those had at least one child under 18 in their household, according to a U.S. Census Bureau analysis of its most recent Current Population Survey.
Overall, same-sex couples are four times more likely than opposite-sex couples to have adopted children or stepchildren: 21 percent of same-sex couples are raising an adopted child compared to just 3 percent of opposite-sex couples.
Aside from conception during previous opposite-sex relationships, adoption is the most common route to parenthood for LGBTQ+ parents. For LGBTQ+ parents-to-be who don’t feel strongly about having a genetic relationship with their child, and who appreciate that the process can be lengthy, adoption may be a good choice.
But while same-sex adoption is ostensibly legal in all 50 states, each state can (and some have) enacted varying degrees of adoption and foster care non-discrimination laws and policies, with some state laws explicitly allowing anti-LGBTQ discrimination in foster care and adoption, and other states having no laws to prevent discrimination. This can make navigating the system difficult for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be, which is why consulting a lawyer is highly recommended.
Here’s an overview of the various paths to adoption:
- Agency adoption. The most common adoption route for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be is via agency adoption. An adoption agency identifies birth parents and works with them to create an adoption plan. Birth parents are able to select the family that they want to place their child with, and in many cases, adoptive parents are able to meet birth parents. Adoption agencies must be licensed to operate, but the laws that regulate agencies vary from state to state. There are adoption agencies that specialize in supporting LGBTQ+ parents-to-be and can help navigate state-specific legal intricacies.
- Independent adoption. Similar to agency adoption in some ways, the route to independent adoption doesn’t include an agency, but involves a primary adoption facilitator, usually an attorney. With the guidance of legal counsel, prospective parents advertise their interest and intention to adopt a child, and birth parents choose to place a child with the advertising parent. Independent adoption also can be used in adoption among blood relatives.
- Public adoption. Sometimes referred to as foster-to-adopt, public adoption typically operates through a state-funded foster care system, where birth parents who are unable to raise a biological child relinquish parental rights and make the child a ward of the state. While foster care placement is designed to be temporary and the ultimate goal is to reunite birth parents with their child, there are circumstances leading to foster parents being able to adopt a foster child in their care. Costs are generally lower with public adoption, but the process can take a long time and because state laws can selectively discriminate against LGBTQ+ parents.
- International adoption. International or intercountry adoption was once a popular avenue for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be, but over the past decade, the practice has declined significantly, with fewer than 3,000 international adoptions in 2019. In countries that don’t recognize same-sex unions or have explicit anti-LGBTQ+ laws, adoption by LGBTQ+ individuals may be banned outright. While U.S. federal law doesn’t prohibit LGBTQ+ U.S. citizens or same-sex couples from being adoptive parents, those considering intercountry adoption are required to comply with the laws and regulations that govern adoption and immigration in the child’s country of origin, as well as in the U.S.
Conception options for LGBT+ parents-to-be
The process of conceiving a child is different for everyone — there is no one size fits all approach. Whether it’s an opposite-sex couple, same-sex couple or single individual, many parents need a little assistance in helping sperm meet egg.
Thanks to tremendous advances in reproductive technologies, as well as evolving perspectives on what makes a family, there are plenty of options for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be who want to welcome a baby via pregnancy.
Here’s a look at different paths to conception:
Having sperm meet egg without involving sex, either in a petri dish or in utero, is a popular option for same-sex couples and single parents-to-be alike. The three primary methods of artificial insemination are:
- In vitro fertilization (IVF), where egg and sperm meet outside of the body, then the fertilized egg (embryo) is placed in the uterus. Reciprocal IVF is a similar process that allows lesbian or trans men partners to both biologically participate in a pregnancy, which involves using the egg of one partner and transferring the embryo into the uterus of the non-donor partner.
- Intrauterine insemination (IUI), where sperm is placed directly into the uterus by a medical provider.
- Intracervical insemination (ICI), where sperm is placed in the cervix rather than in the uterus.
- Intravaginal insemination (IVI), sometimes known as “the turkey baster method,” sperm is placed into the vagina with a syringe. This can be done at home and is an option many choose to do themselves.
Surrogacy is when a gestational carrier (often referred to as a surrogate mother) carries a pregnancy for you.
There are multiple ways that surrogacy can help LGBTQ+ parents-to-be create their families. This may be the right option for an LGBTQ+ individual or couple where a baby can’t be carried for biological, hormonal, personal or medical reasons.
Because the surrogacy process can be overwhelming, many LGBTQ+ parents-to-be choose to work with agencies that specialize in supporting them.
Surrogacy also can be prohibitively expensive for many hopeful LGBTQ+ parents-to-be. Laws vary significantly between states and between countries when it comes to parental rights, and involves the help of lawyers. Additional considerations include:
- Selecting a donor (egg or sperm)
- Identifying a carrier (gestational carrier or donor carrier)
- Ensuring legal coverage, such as second-parent adoption for a partner not biologically involved
Two or more people co-parenting a child has become increasingly less unusual in recent years. In the past, co-parenting was used in the context of a divorced opposite-sex couple, but today, the concept is applied to non-traditional families that can include LGBTQ+ people who share parental rights and duties without marriage or involvement in a romantic relationship.
Children from these arrangements can be adopted, conceived through assisted reproduction, or welcomed via surrogacy or sometimes through sex.
How to decide which path is best for your family
Given the many options for creating a family, selecting the right path for you depends on lots of factors and considerations, including personal preferences, financial resources, life circumstances, and community and family support.
The reality for the overwhelming number of LGBTQ+ people is that parenthood requires a significant amount of advanced planning, research and resilience. The road to parenthood can be long and winding, so securing the support of family, friends and even strangers can help lessen the burden along the way.
But if the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, then the first step toward LGBTQ+ parenthood is to do your research. Speak to families that already have been down the road before you, connect with resource groups (such as Family Equality’s Path2Parenthood program that supports LGBTQ+ parents and families), and take time to listen and learn.
A thousand miles is a long way to travel, but it’s worth it for every LGBTQ+ parent who is united with their child in the end.
More resources for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be
- Family Equality, Building LGBTQ+ Families: The Price of Parenthood
- Family Equality, Family Building for the Trans Community
- U.S. Department of State, Resources for LGBTI Intercountry Adoptions
- Considering Adoption, Adoption Process
- Family Equality Council, LGBTQ Family Fact Sheet
- U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, Administration for Children & Families, Children’s Bureau, Child Welfare Information Gateway, Frequently Asked Questions From LGBTQ+ Prospective Foster and Adoptive Parents