Of all the questions I get asked by my ~lovely~ lesbian readers, there are two I get pressed with the most.
1) How do I get over someone who is good in bed? And 2) I am falling for a straight girl… what the hell do I do?
First of all, if you’re crushing on a straight girl, I’m going to give it to you straight. After all, you get what you put out there, babe. You are not special. Falling for a straight woman is a lesbian rite of passage, like blacking out at The Dinah or chopping off all of your hair at least once. You’re not the first person to experience this holy mind-f*ck. Throw a stone, and you’ll hit a lesbian who will happily tell you about the time she had an illicit affair with a straight woman. And she’ll show you the scars to prove it.
Second of all, I want to let you know that I, in my core, sorely disapprove of the concept of the straight girl crush. I think you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, and I question *why* you feel the need to chase after a woman who claims not to be into other women. A lot of the straight girl crush, I believe, stems from our ugly egos.
I understand that a million different things can be true at once and that nothing in this world is black and white, especially sexuality. Sometimes, despite our better judgment, we fall for flawed people. Sometimes “straight” women aren’t really straight; they just haven’t come to terms with their own sexuality. Sometimes sexuality is fluid. Sometimes love is simply love. And sometimes you just need to go for something, even if you know you’re probably going to end up wounded.
I get it. I support the art of risk-taking. But I wouldn’t be a good lesbian big sister if I didn’t properly warn you of what’s at stake here. You need to have all the information before you make the choice to take a dip in the straight girl pond. Those waters are dangerous, and it’s important to be educated before you stick your sweet little lesbian toe in that freezing cold water.
So here it is. Five vitally important things you NEED to know before you end up getting caught in the riptide of straight women.
1. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Nine out of 10 of the messages I receive from baby dykes regarding their straight girl crushes usually go something like this: “Zara, she says she is straight… but she flirts with me hardcore! The other night when we were drinking, she snuggled up in my arms! Clearly, she’s attracted to me.”
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. If the words “I’m straight” flew out of her freshly glossed straight girl lips, for all you know, she’s straight. We don’t always flirt with people because we’re truly into them—you know that. Sometimes we flirt with people because we’re starved for attention or desperate for a cheap hit of validation. Sometimes what we consider being “chummy,” another person will interpret as being wildly flirtatious. I’m a person who is notorious for giving people the wrong idea. I bat my lashes and spit out sexual innuendos all the time. That’s my personality. If I’m looking at you coyly and bringing up sex constantly, welcome to the club, honey. I do that to everyone. Men, women, non-binary babes—no one is safe. The only people I don’t shamelessly flirt with, ironically, are people I’m actually attracted to. I freeze around people I think are hot, as many of us do.
Whether she’s straight or not, deep inside her soul, that’s none of your business. If she’s proclaimed to be straight, respect that. It’s very possible that she enjoys the novelty of getting lesbian attention from you, but will never, ever sleep with you (let alone date you). This shit happens all the time! Don’t read too far into it.
In fact, the best way to tell if she’s f*cking with you or might actually be catching feelings for you… is to pull back. Let her take the lead. Which leads me, seamlessly, into my next point.
2. The ball is in her court, not yours.
I have something to confess: I find it predatory when lesbians try to pressure straight girls into being attracted to them. Flip the coin. How does it feel when a straight dude tries to pressure us into being attracted to him? We feel violated. Disgusted. Irritated. Creeped the f*ck out. Right?
Just because we’re women doesn’t mean that we’re exempt from being creepy. And it is creepy to go after a girl who claims not to be interested in your gender. Bottom line. Even if she’s all over you. Respect her sexual identity, just as you desire yours to be respected. And if she can’t handle her attraction to you, despite her “heterosexuality,” let her come to you.
Here’s the truth: You don’t want to be seen as the girl who coerced the straight girl into being with her, do you? It’s not fun to be that girl, trust me. And you won’t ever be seen as that girl if you let her pursue you. If she tries to kiss you one night after a plethora of cocktails, pull away and ask her: “Aren’t you straight?” And let her explain herself. Give her the freedom to come to this earth-shattering conclusion on her own that she’s attracted to a woman. It’s really important to give people a chance to figure this shit out for themselves without a thirsty lez lingering in the background to pull it out of them.
If she is the love of your life, or if it’s going to turn into a “thing” down the line, this will give you a healthy foundation from which to grow. You won’t be secretly worried that she’s going to ditch you for a dude, and she will be confident in her authentic attraction toward you because she came to that conclusion by herself.
3. Ask yourself: Why? WHY?!
Like I mentioned in the intro, you must make sure that your magnetic draw toward this “straight” girl isn’t rooted in ego. Before you get defensive, I need you to know that I’m not judging you. I’ve been there myself! It’s a nice confidence boost to feel like a girl was so irrepressibly attracted to you that she realized she’s bi or lez because of you. It’s exciting to be someone’s “first,” for you’re fresh and erotic to a first-time dyke since they haven’t experienced the wonders of girl on girl sex yet. Plus, a lot of gay women often tell me they’re simply more attracted to “straight women” then they are to “gay women.” (If that’s the case, then you just haven’t met enough femmes.)
Make sure that you’re actually into this “straight girl” because she’s fascinating, and you connect with her on a deep, visceral level—not just because you want an ego boost or simply haven’t been exposed to the vast array of gay women that exist in this beautiful world.
4. Ensure you have made peace with your own sexuality.
This is super, super, super, SUPER important. Make sure that you are 1,000 percent comfortable with your sexual identity—or get out of dodge. Fast.
If you’re still harboring shame over your sexual identity, falling for a “straight” girl is going to be a giant step backward. You’re going to have to deal with her shame and her uncertainty, which can re-trigger those feelings within yourself if you’re not super strong yet. If she’s messing with your head by recklessly flirting with you, and you’re still feeling insecure about being a giant lez, then this kind of toxic game playing will majorly hurt you. Right now, you need to be around women who are confident in their gayness—women who lift you up and remind you there’s nothing to be ashamed of, only heaps to be proud of.
So unless in your heart and soul you’re at peace with being queer, put a stop to this crush, immediately. Lesbian big sister’s orders.
5. Understand that no matter what: It’s going to be a ~massive~ undertaking.
Let’s say she comes to you and confesses her acute attraction to you. She wants to try. She wants to date. She’s willing to see where this goes.
Amazing! That’s awesome.
But the trouble isn’t going to end just because she’s had a sexual awakening. That’s merely “step one” in the glorious 12 steps of coming out. You’re going to have to hold her hand as she tells her family that she’s queer; you’re going to have to help her get comfortable with public displays of lesbian affection; you’re going to have to deal with her old boyfriends getting riled up and possibly sending you hateful messages on Instagram. You’re going to have to teach her to go down on a woman (or show her my video tutorial below).
This is all stuff you’ve likely already been through, and it wasn’t easy, was it? Be prepared to go through all of this again. And you can’t, I repeat, can’t resent her for grappling with these complicated, newfound feelings. It’s a big deal to admit to yourself that your sexuality isn’t as cut and dry as you’ve thought it was for your entire life. If you’re not willing to be patient and loving, then this massive undertaking isn’t for you. And that’s OK. It’s not for me, either.
That being said, love is the most important thing in the entire universe, and if you feel like you love her—and you are certain that you love yourself as well—take the risk. The worst thing that happens is you get your heart broken. And sometimes heartbreak is exactly what we need when we’re getting too comfortable in our mundane lives. It cracks us wide open and lets the light inside.