2017 – Lorcan
I sat with my friends Bill, Nathan and Colton in Universal Bar.
“What do you think of the talent tonight guys?”, Bill asked.
Sometimes I wished he’d just have a night out without trying to find a man.
“Oh, look at those two hotties who’ve just walked in.”, Bill said.
These days every bloke is a hottie to Bill.
“They would be a couple, wouldn’t they? Just my luck.”
They might or might not be. Still it’s nice to see the assumption made the other way around. Even though I don’t like it either way, it’s assumed too often with two guys or two girls together that they aren’t romantically together. Happened all the time with me and my ex-boyfriend. I lost count of the amount of times we were mistaken for brothers, friends, cousins, brothers-in-law (with the added assumption that it was the other’s sister that the other was married to) before we’d finally get to partner.
The two “hotties” sat at the table nearby. As the evening wore on, we all got chatting and realised they were brothers called Theo and Jason. After a while Bill, Colton and Nathan got out on the dancefloor and I was left sitting with Theo’s older brother Jason. He scanned over at the four lads on the dancefloor occasionally as we talked. It was lovely to see. I didn’t have a protective older brother like Theo when I came out. I had an older instead called Alan who was scared people would think he was gay (Because his mind was far too small to work out that I said I was pansexual) by been seen with me. Was a shame because we used to get on really well.
“Are they good guys?”, Jason asked.
He knows they are all in competition for Theo’s affections.
“Yeah.”, I smiled, reassuringly.
“They are simply just as lonely as the rest of us.”
He relaxed slightly but kept an eye nonetheless.
“So you said he came out as gay recently, how did he tell you?”
“Just casually. He knew I wasn’t like that. Prejudiced I mean. I knew a long time in any case. But it wasn’t my place to say anything.”
“And your parents …”
“They don’t know. We come from a very Catholic background. It’s difficult.”
“Yeah, I know. I come from a Catholic background too.”
“Are your family supportive?”
“My mum, dad and sister weren’t at the start but they’ve come around to it.”
I don’t add that I hate the expression come around to it. Come around to what?, I always think.
“But my brother didn’t take it well. We haven’t spoken in six years.”
I can read it all over his face that he thinks my brother’s a dick but he can’t say so. For what it’s worth I agree with him.
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, thanks. It’s years ago now. I’m over it … so have you ever been to a gay bar before?”
“No, I haven’t. To be honest and I don’t know how this will sound I was a bit nervous to go into a gay bar before. Not because of that whole ignorant egotistic straight guy thing of thinking everyone was going to be into me but because I thought I’d be, I don’t know …”
“Yeah, kind of like trespassing. I thought as a straight guy no one would want me there and be suspicious. But I just think of a bar as a bar, you know.”
“Yeah, that’s how I feel with the local Polish food store. I’ve never went in because they might think why is this Irish guy coming in? Like what’s his motive?”
“Have you ever went in?”
“No.”, I grinned.
“But I’d like to someday. Maybe.”
By the end of the night, Theo hadn’t swapped numbers with any of the three lads but me and Jason had swapped numbers. As me, Bill, Nathan and Colton tried to find a taxi, Bill turned to me.
“He’s straight Lorcan. You do realise that it could never work?”
“Bill, I know that! I don’t like him in that way.”
“Good because there’s certainly going to be no dice there.”
“Mate, I don’t want there to be.”
2019 – Jason
“Jason, put your back into it.”, Lorcan whined as we tried to carry our sofa into our new flat.
“That gym membership is pretty shit.”, he adds, laughing away.
“Quit moaning and keep moving.”, I laugh.
Thinking about it it’s ironic that me and my brother Theo went to the bar two years ago for him to meet guys and I was the one who ended up meeting a guy. Of course in a very different way but meaningful in any case.
Eventually we got the sofa in and placed where we wanted it. Then tired we slumped down on it.
“Jesus, I wish we had some ice-cold beers right now.”, Lorcan grinned.
“A crate full.”, I smiled.
Talk turned to his boyfriend Robert, a complete bastard who is cheating on him with everyone, but who Lorcan loves to bits. I wish he’d open his eyes and kick him to the kerb but I can’t tell him about Robert’s activities. I don’t want to hurt him.
“Robert booked us a room for Valentine’s night. Our first Valentine’s together.”, he said, smiling from ear to ear.
Did he get a discount because he’s booked so many rooms to bring guys to?
“That’s lovely. I’m sure it will be a very romantic night.”
“I know. I have to get new underwear.”
“Of course.”, I smiled.
“He’s always texting me lovely things. He wished me luck with the move-in today. He’s always thinking of me. No one’s ever done that before. He’s so sweet.”
God he really loves him. It’s heart-breaking.
“Yeah, very sweet.”
Well, what else can I say?
“Are you alright since …”, he begins.
“Since Lindsay and I broke up? I’m at a stage now where I’m ready to move forward. It wasn’t meant to be.”
“Good. Just with Valentine’s coming up I thought I’d ask.”
“Yeah, thanks. But in any case Valentine’s never really worried me. It’s all commercial anyways.”
“Oh, where’s your romantic spirit?”, he grins.
“Seen my ex-girlfriend Ellen in town. She’s dating a biker now. He looks like a hard man but probably isn’t.”, he adds.
She used to cheat on him too, he told me. Jeez he does pick them!
2021 – Lorcan
I was in a relationship with a wonderful person for 6 months. Their name was Scott and I had a lot to thank Jason for. He had helped me through some bad times with exs and introduced me to Scott who is a mate and work colleague of his. He was also the only person who I could say Scott was non-binary to without it turning into an explaining session. The three of us were out at Starbucks with me and Jason playfully mocking Scott for their black coffee. They were forever looking after their health.
“You two will be sorry when yous’ pile on the pounds with those cream cakes!”, they laugh.
“Not to mention the extra calorie coffees!”, they add.
“Yeah, probably.”, Jason replies, taking another bite of cake.
Jason’s recently broke up with his girlfriend Emily. I thought they were good together but I’m hardly a relationship expert. They are still friends but Jason said they were in mutual agreement that “there was no love there anymore” and that they were “just going through the motions”. I’d love if he meant someone. I can’t think of anyone more deserving of something like that. He was sleeping around, a different girl every night, and I was worried about him. Several times I voiced my concerns to him and he had in the most polite way told me to mind my own business. He seems to think he’s invincible and that’s a dangerous attitude to have.
“Want another black coffee or would that be too much?”, I smile to Scott.
“I’m not that bad!”, they laugh, tipping me in the arm.
2023 – Jason
I took a large gulp from my bottle of red wine. It had become automatic lately. All I seemed to do lately was drink and if not smoke. Ever since I heard the news. The dreaded terrible news that I wasn’t for the land of the living. I had AIDS. The knocking came on the door. It was either Theo or Lorcan. It always was one of them. I didn’t want to see either of them. Or anybody for that matter.
“Jas, you in there?”, Lorcan said, from outside.
I didn’t answer.
“Look Jas mate, I know you are. Stop shutting me out. What’s wrong?”
You don’t want to know. Get on with your life. You have it to look forward to. I don’t.
Jesus, he never gives up, does he?
I sigh and stagger to the door.
“Jesus Jason, you look like shit.”, he says.
You would too if you had AIDS pal.
“Well I guess you’re coming in, are you?”
He comes in and makes us both coffee. I light up another cigarette.
“Jason, what’s happened to you?”
His eyes are clearly scanning my flat with all it’s empty cigarette packets and empty wine bottles and beer cans. He’s trying to make out he isn’t though.
“You are going to make yourself ill.”
That’s when I burst into tears.
“Lor, I’m already ill.”
His face falls. He takes my hand gently in his. Says nothing. Waits for me to continue.
“I have AIDS Lorcan.”
He says nothing. Well what can you say? “I’m sorry you may not live as long as you thought you would mate.”
He takes me into a long hug, tries to stay strong for me but some gentle tears come.
2025 – Lorcan
I sat outside the hotel smoking a cigarette. The cigarette was shaky in my hand and I eventually dropped it. Theo came out, picked it up and handed it to me. He sat down beside me. For a moment we didn’t speak. Today felt very surreal. Earlier had been Jason’s funeral at the Church nearby.
“You were a great friend to him.”, Theo said.
“He was a great friend to me too.”
“Jesus, I miss him.”
“Yeah, I know. So do I.”
Later that night I was back at mine and Scott’s flat. I broke down in tears in their arms. Yes, I knew he was ill but he was there. Now he wasn’t. And the last three days had been the most torturous days of my life. 10 years of friendship, of seeing him most days and now I no longer could see him. The pain I was feeling was dreadful. He was far too young to die. He deserved to be living, happy, he deserved everything.
There was a knock at the door. Scott went to answer it. Bill came in. Scott went to make us both tea. I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. They had been brilliant with me all through Jason’s illness, passing, the aftermath and today. I don’t think I could have got through it without them.
“I know I haven’t seen you very often lately Lorcan but I wanted to come over and see how you were today.”
Our lives had went in different directions such is the way with a lot of friendships. But him been here meant so much more than I could put into words.
He gave me a hug.
“You two were like an old married couple without the sex.”, he said, smiling softly.
“Yeah, we were, weren’t we?”