sure of exposure to a traumatic stressor, but notice that your child is exhibiting unusual behavior, begin to ask gentle questions. Often children who have been bullied or abused are threatened with even worse treatment if they tell anyone. Sometimes this includes threats against their siblings, other family members or pets.
These kinds of threats are very effective. Hundreds of thousands of kids have been too afraid to disclose abuse and other mistreatment because of similar threats. Often that is how perpetrators are able to continue to abuse children over a long period of time. Children may also feel guilty or fear they did something wrong.
In any of these cases, the child may be afraid to tell the truth. The main reason children tell lies or avoid telling their parents about things is fear of getting punished or disappointing their parents. It is helpful to reassure your child that you will not get angry or be upset with him/her about anything s/he tells you. Your reaction to what you hear will shape how your child copes with the situation. Try to remember the following if you find yourself in this situation:
- Try to stay calm and do not assume the worst – your reaction and coping is critical.
- Once a disclosure has been made, assure your child that s/he did the right thing by talking to you about it, that s/he is not in trouble and that you are not upset with the child.
- Ask the child how s/he feels about what happened, or if they want to talk more about it.
- Be a supportive listener without overwhelming your child with more questions.
If there was abuse, coercion, force or threats:
- Ensure that your child feels safe and let him/her know that you will take care of everything.
- Do not overreact – try not to frighten your child by springing into action without thinking.
- Try to make calls or have any conversations about the incident in private.
- Contact the pediatrician first – a medical exam may be required ASAP.
- Ask to speak with the nurse or doctor, explain what happened and follow their instructions.
- Contact a therapist or counselor who specializes in play therapy or child trauma to help you and your child cope with the situation.
- Find someone to talk to about your own feelings, fears and concerns when your child is not present.
Restoring a sense of safety and security is important. Try to follow your usual routine as closely as possible. If s/he does not want to go to day care or school for a day or two, stay home with him/her, if possible. Do normal things, like watch movies or play outside. Talk about the incident only as much as s/he wants, but leave the door open for further discussion or questions.
If your child has trouble eating, don’t force the issue. Make his/her favorite foods and allow eating when hungry. Try to keep mealtime pleasant and free of stressful discussions.
If s/he has problems sleeping, do calming, soothing things before bed. Read or tell stories before bed (not scary ones). Consider leaving the door cracked or open, turn a light on in the hallway or use a night light if fear of the dark becomes a problem. Ensure your child that you are nearby and will check on him/her throughout the night. It may be necessary to allow young children to sleep with you or a sibling for a brief period, but try to limit this. Sometimes a stuffed animal or pet on the bed adds a sense of security.
Try to keep things as normal as possible. It is important to let school counselors, teachers or day care providers know if your child is coping with something traumatic, or even a difficult situation like separation of parents, illness/death of a family member or friend, loss of a pet or other stressors. You do not have to go into detail about personal matters. Simply give them the basics and ask them to make a special effort to let your child know how they can be helpful. It is also good to ask teachers or caregivers to let you know if they notice any unusual behavior at school or day care.
Make notes to share with the counselor or doctor if your child has on-going support. The more information they hav