Chaplains can find themselves in some sticky situations among family members. While our primary focus is often the patient or other person we are working with, we can be brought in to situations where family members are at odds with one another, with staff, or even with the patient. We may be brought in to help defuse a volatile meeting or try and get the family on the same page. The reasons for this often comes down to two of the most important skills we have in our toolbox: our capability of empathy and our ability to listen non-judgmentally. Some people though have a knack of turning those skills against us.
Empathy: the push in and pull out
Sympathy and empathy are often used synonymously, but they are different in experience. Sympathy could best be understood as “feeling for”, while empathy could be understood as “feeling with.” I can have sympathy for someone’s sorrow without feeling that sorrow myself. But if I have empathy for someone, I can not only understand someone’s sorrow but feel some of that sorrow myself. A common example is grief: I can sympathize with someone in grief knowing that they are sad and wish to comfort them, but if I have lost someone myself I can better feel the sorrow that someone else feels when they have lost someone.
Empathy is difficult at times though because it can push us in to areas of pain that make us want to fix the situation. Chaplains and other care workers are often drawn to our field because of a sense of compassion. However a good part of chaplaincy training involves identifying where our boundaries are in the helping relationship. Too often caregivers and chaplains can be drawn into situations where they become the rescuer of the other, not only to alleviate the suffering the other is going through but the suffering that they are going through because of the empathetic relationship. Self-awareness of this dynamic is critically important to our role and development as chaplains.
While we may be more aware of individuals who push us to overstep our role, we also need to be aware of those who will push us backward out of our role, moving from empathy to pity (simple awareness of the suffering of others), detachment or even derision. For example I recently had a long conversation with a someone about their loved one who is on hospice. The person I spoke with had a problematic relationship with the rest of her family to the point that she was no longer to receive any information or have any input regarding care. She had been referred to me for grief support as the patient was not expected to last more than a few days and they felt she would not handle the loss well, and had called the office over the weekend wanting my support. However the call quickly became wrapped up in another agenda. The conversation always ended up spinning toward all the problems “out there”: the neglectful staff, the spiteful siblings, the inability of others to see that her over-90-year-old aunt “wasn’t really dying”, she just needed to be on a gluten-free diet.
I tried and tried to remain empathetic and impartial, but after about an hour I felt myself feeling angry and frustrated. I felt that there was little I could do for this person, and was tired of whatever game they were playing. I thought that the base of her anger and frustration was due to grief. What I found though was that the feelings welling up in me were anger and frustration – and I didn’t like it. Not only that, I found myself not liking her because I felt that way. I found myself looking for a door through which I could exit the conversation. I didn’t want to have empathy with her anymore.
And in sitting down later, I see why. The reason? Empathy.
“trust your feelings, Luke”
As I said, what I thought this person was feeling and what they actually were feeling were two different things. I tried to have empathy with her based on how I thought she would – or should – feel, but I found that what I felt – anger and frustration – was more similar to how she actually felt. I was taking on her anger as my own, and putting it back on her. And 