so stirred by
your experience of loss. They, too, can interfere with a successful
resolution of grief. Finally, this is a time when your other
not-so-old but still unresolved (or perhaps resolved, but
nevertheless still sensitive) losses can come back to haunt you.
These can make you feel even more deprived, more vulnerable, and
more powerless and out of control. It is terribly unfortunate, yet
past issues often arise at the precise moment when you are
struggling to confront a current loss. They add to the burden of
the grief process. Therefore, when you are dealing with the death
of a loved one, you frequently are contending not only with the
present loss but also with old losses and unfinished emotional
business as well.
Tilly’s husband died at age sixty, following a two-year battle
with cancer. Tilly was left alone in her home, since her three
adult children lived out of state. After the death, Tilly was
surprised to find herself not only feeling grief over the death of
her husband but also preoccupied with memories and feelings about
her adolescence when her beloved father had abandoned the
Tilly thought about how she had reacted then, and she experienced
in the present her earlier feelings of loss, fear, insecurity, and
confusion. She felt like the fourteen-year-old girl for whom it
seemed as if the earth had been shaken when her father walked out
the door. Although she knew better, she felt like she was as
helpless now as she was then, when she had few resources to help
her cope and the world was so frightening. She wanted her father
back again, even though he was long dead. It seemed like she was in
shock again now as she was when her father left, even though she
had anticipated her husband’s death. Her present loss had
resurrected the long-buried thoughts and emotions from an earlier
loss of a significant person in her life.
Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go On Living When Someone
You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 16-18.
The Grief Experience
Do Men Grieve Differently From Women?
How Long Is This Grieving Going to Last?
What About This Thing Called 'Acceptance'?
The Physical Stress of Grieving
Also by Therese Rando, Ph.D.:
The Purpose of Grief and Mourning
What 'Recovery' Will and Will Not Mean
Family Reorganization After a Loss
Dr. Therese Rando, author of
How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, is a psychologist
in Warwick, Rhode Island, where she is the Clinical Director of The
Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss. Having published 70
works pertaining to the clinical aspects of dying, death, loss, and
trauma, Dr. Rando is a recognized expert in the field and has
appeared on numerous television programs, including “Dateline,” CBS
“This Morning,” “Today Show,” “Good Morning, America,” and “The
Oprah Winfrey Show.”
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