ends. First-generation college students, for example, often feel torn by conflicting emotions about their success in school. They want to do well (and their families want them to also), but the students themselves feel guilty that they are getting opportunities that their parents or siblings did not. To “protect” their family members, they may engage in self-destructive behaviors that ensure they won’t make it in school. Logic would dictate that the family truly want the student to succeed (and thus bring honor to the family), but this logic is lost on the student due to survivor guilt.
The only way to cure yourself of survivor guilt is to remind yourself of how proud, glad, and invested those who love and care for you. Remind yourself, as hard as it might be, that your own failure will not help bring someone back to life, nor will it make others who love you feel better about themselves. You need to gain your inspiration from the knowledge that your efforts are a tribute to them. Don’t get down on yourself if you can’t reach your loftiest goals (or the ones they have or had for you) but at least know that you’re giving yourself the shot at success that they would want you to have.
Dealing With Guilt #5. One way to rid yourself of guilt is to tell yourself that others who love you are happy for you and your success. It’s important to keep in mind purposely failing won’t cure someone’s illness or bring a person back, and it won’t make others love you more or less. Try to think of the knowledge and success that you gained and worked for is a tribute to your family and your roots.
There’s no doubt that guilt is a complex and interesting emotion. It can even cause you to spend more than you want to or can when buying gifts for your friends and family. You can’t live a completely guilt-free life but you can keep it within manageable bounds. Guilt can also help you gain greater self-understanding by helping you to recognize when, in fact, you’ve done someone else harm. Guilt, in and of itself, isn’t a destructive emotion. If you let it become all-consuming, however, guilt can get the best — or the worst — of you.
Other Areas of Guilt:
While guilt has been applied in a general sense, there are several other areas in which guilt is present – most often shame.
For example, people often hold themselves accountable to a higher standard than they would others. This creates a situation in which a person may feel guilty, rather than forgiving themselves as they would others. This also occurs when a person believes incorrectly that all mistakes or negative consequences are preventable.
People also frequently feel guilt associated with loss and bereavement. Feelings that you could have done more, that you should have saved someone, or that you should have said or done something before a death is common. It’s a perception and reaction to feelings that we have failed in our obligations, or that we have done something wrong.
However, understanding that feelings of guilt are a normal part of grief is helpful, in that we all ask “what ifs” and “why” questions. Finally, guilt may be a part of a victimization experience, such as combat, PTSD, and violent crime.
How Can I Manage Guilt and Start to Heal?
- Learn to recognize and identify your feelings of guilt.
- What type of guilt is it?
- What was your role in the wrong-doing, either to yourself or others? Acknowledge and accept it.
- Does feeling guilty provide you with any positive experiences? Are you learning from it? Are you helping others because of it?
- Ask for forgiveness from those you have wronged (this includes forgiving yourself).
- Learn from the situation so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.
- Realize you can’t change the past. Let go of it and move on.
- Disarm thoughts of guilt by thinking or saying “STOP!” and then finding a distraction.
- If your spiritual beliefs include belief in a higher power, think about what He or She has to say about forgiveness.
- Participate in an appropriate support group.
- Be gentle with yourself. What would you say to your best friend in a sim