continued from above...
Tell it how it is
If a parent or loved
relative is dying of cancer then the children will usually be aware of the illness for some time. In most cases there will
be time to talk to the children about illness and death.
Don't try to protect them by discouraging visiting or being
present when the parent is dying. Children are often more accepting and down to earth than adults about death. If they are
not there when the parent dies, tell them of the death as soon as possible, preferably quietly at home. Ideally, the surviving
parent should tell the children so they can start the grieving process together. Letting them see the body may help establish
the reality that a parent will not return.
Listen carefully to what the children say about things. Sometimes
their grief is not obvious. If the children are very young you may not realize that they, too, are suffering badly, but in
a different way, from the loss. Try to encourage children to express their grief. It may be by drawing pictures of the dead
parent; it may be by talking about death. Make sure children understand that all sickness does not end in death. Fears and
fantasies should be dealt with.
Tell them how sad you feel and that you understand how they
feel, too. But, don't expect children to bear your burden or become a substitute for the partner you have lost. Children will
ask some basic questions - like:
Did Mum/Dad die because of something I did? Will I die
like she/he did? Who will look after me now? Will Dad/Mum die too? A guide to answering these sort of questions is included
in this information. Remember that age groups don't end abruptly and problems can span across the ages given here.
It is good for children of
any age to be included in the funeral service unless they say they don't want to attend. Children as young as two and a half
understand the idea of saying goodbye.
You can explain even to small children something about the service
and what it means. They may be concerned about the casket, or the burial, or the cremation. These may need to be explained
up to the level of the child's understanding.
Some families find it helpful to have the casket and body at
home before the service. You can ask the children if they would like to say goodbye in a very special way by placing a momento
in the casket - a drawing, a letter or a flower.
It may also be helpful if a trusted adult cares for young children
during the service. After the funeral, children may, in play, reenact the funeral and/or pretend to be sick or dying. This
playing out of the illness and the funeral is quite normal.
Age groups and their reactions
Up to two years
The death of a parent
will not be understood. However, the child will notice the absence of a parent and the emotional changes in those providing
care. Even a small baby may become irritable, crying more; eating habits may change; there may be bowel or bladder upsets.
Two to three years
At about two years,
children know that if people are out of sight they can be called back or looked for. Looking for a parent who has died is
a typical expression of grief in this age group. It may take time before a child even as young as 18 months realizes that
the parent is not coming back. These children need a secure, stable environment. Try to keep to the normal routine of eating
and sleeping. They will need attention and love. If you are concerned about your child's behavior, talk to the doctor or health
Three to five years
The child's understanding
of death at this age is still limited. The child is used to being away from parents while attending kindergarten, school or
a party. However, they are confident those parents will return. As with the younger children, behavioral patterns may change.
Though times of sadness are likely to be short, there may be
problems with the bowel or bladder, stomach aches, headaches, rashes, temper tantrums, reversion to baby habits (thumb sucking,
comfort blanket etc.). They may suddenly be afraid of the dark, suffer periods of sadness, anger, anxiety, crying.
It is important to contact 