lplessness yet show a brave face to friends and school mates, and another to family and
They may hide their emotions yet be hurt by remarks made at
school; they may not reach expected educational levels, fight at school or rebel against authority. However, school can be
a stable place in what may have become a chaotic world. At the extreme, these reactions are a cry for HELP; this makes it
important to deal with any concerns about school.
Children in this age group may also try to assume the role of
the mother and father. This shouldn't be encouraged, especially emotionally, but be aware that the family 'structure' has
changed and the family members who are left will have to regroup and sort out their rules. There will need to be some sharing
of responsibility in terms of helping out.
Make sure there is still plenty of time for play, sport and
leisure activities, and that children have friends of their own age. Let them know it is okay still to be happy and excited
about events. If there are problems, discuss them. Talk them through. If behavior problems continue get professional help.
For these young people, facing
death can be frightening. They are already coping with physical and mental changes as they move from childhood to adulthood.
Bereavement presents an added layer to complicate the already difficult picture that adolescence presents.
It is not uncommon for teenagers to confide or find help for
their grief outside the home; as the remaining parent, you should not feel this is a reflection of you.
Conversely some young people will feel isolated because they
feel friends shun them or are embarrassed and don't know what to say to them. You may also find school work is affected. A
teenager may behave out of character. In extreme cases they may suffer depression, run away, change friends, use drugs, become
sexually promiscuous or even suicidal. If they are in any way concerned, get expert help promptly.
Teaching staff and youth leaders involved with the children
should always be told of the death and be quietly on the look out for any worrying behavior changes.
Although grieving teenagers may hide their emotions, these emotions
can still be intense. Let them know it is okay to be upset and cry. Teenagers can try to protect the parent by keeping quiet
about their own feelings; they may need to be given 'permission' to express what they think and feel. They need to know it
is okay to talk about their dead parent and can be helped by the remaining parent giving a lead in this direction. Encourage
healthy ways to release emotions through sporting or cultural activities.
Teenagers should never be told that they will be taking the
place of the parent who has died, rather you should help them focus on their needs for the future, such as education or training
for work. However, again it is natural for the remaining members of the family to regroup and some sharing of responsibilities
needs to take place.
If you feel you are not able to help the teenager cope with
grief and the problems reflecting that grief, then seek professional help.
Older teenagers will see clearly how the death of a parent affects
the family and their own life. They may think they should now care for Mum/Dad and other family members. They may be confused
about what they should do. As with younger teenagers, help them make decisions which focus on their own needs. It sometimes
takes a number of years for a teenager to work through the emotional grieving.
Children with special needs
some of these children may be difficult. They do not always understand the disruption to their lives. They can become emotionally
very unstable and revert to very childish behavior.
Their needs are the same as for other children, but more patience
and understanding is required to help them work through the grief.
Milestones in accepting death
various patterns and may continue on and off for many years, though the intensity may get less. The surviving parent will
know when the children are coming to terms with the death when they show they are accepting the reality of the death