The elementary childhood years between six and eleven are filled with both excitement and stress. Well beyond the chubby cheeks and toddling steps of their younger years, elementary-aged children have the verbal and physical skills to be independent in many ways.
However, their energy and lack of social skills often also mean that they start to spiral into serious behavioral struggles. Having an elementary child who is out of control can seriously impact a parent’s ability to care for their kids – or just to keep their own sanity! To reign your 6-11 years old out-of-control child back down to earth, try these simple steps.
1. Talk it through
When a parent is met with resistance, it can be easy to try and pull the “parent card” and end the conversation with a “because I said so” or “I don’t want to hear it.” However, rarely does that address the root of the problem, or prevent it in the future. Realistically, all it accomplishes is that your child feels unheard and resentful.
Rather, take the time whenever possible to talk through the source of the conflict. Hear out your child’s side of the issue, and listen to their reasoning. Explain why you think the way you do, especially if there are outside considerations that your child may not have thought about.
For example, your 8-year-old child might feel like it’s unfair to have to leave the park after only a few minutes, but they might not know about the errands or appointments you have for the afternoon that it making your schedule tight.
Often these conversations won’t result in you changing your ruling – after all, you made your decision for a reason. However, try and be flexible when you can, especially if your child raises some valid points with regards to why you might be wrong. Being open to listening to their point of view builds trust and respect, and will make them feel like it’s fairer during those times when your decision isn’t negotiable.
2. Establish limits
Having a clear set of rules and limitations is critical for all 6-11 years old children, but especially those who struggle with behavioral issues. It’s important that they be able to accurately predict what is and isn’t acceptable. The last thing you want is for your child to be unclear about whether they’re allowed to be roughhousing in the house or when they’re meant to be going to bed.
Talk about rules during a calm time, not when you’re already in the middle of a conflict. Explain why the limitations are in place, especially where safety and health are concerned. Also, make sure to bring up any possible exceptions to the rules – for example, it’s not polite to shout in the grocery store until there’s an emergency and you need adult help immediately.
Some limitations may be permanent, such as the guidelines for how to behave when getting ready for bed or playing with friends. Some might be situational, such as the specific rules for going to a particular event.
If there are situational limitations, make sure to bring them up ahead of time. If your child has never been to a wedding before, they won’t know what the expectations are for how to behave at one unless you discuss it ahead of time. Be clear and simple, and also bring up any possible consequences there might be for violating these limitations.
Make it clear that these conversations are just that – a conversation, not a lecture. Encourage your children to ask questions about the how and why of these limitations. It takes some extra work to explain, but giving them your reasoning for these rules is a great way to help them learn to anticipate expectations in the future, both from you and from society at large.
3. Maintain consistency
Now that you’ve talked it through and set your boundaries, it’s time to hold fast to them. Changeability with a child who’s out of control only makes for more chaos and confusion for the both of you. Once you have set limitations and rules, be consistent about them.
This goes both ways – obviously, you need to hold firm on not allowing behavior that you’ve specified as being unacceptable, but you also need to allow for 