anger is something I do not deal with well.
It’s a common mistake for chaplains to think they know what someone else is feeling based on prior experience or psychologizing. I realized after the fact that I was trying so hard to figure her out that I wasn’t paying attention to my own empathy with her, which in a way had already “figured her out” as much as I needed to. I was reading her response through the lens of grief: denial, bargaining and anger. But I couldn’t help her see her feelings as part of grief because, in the end, her feelings may have had very little to do with grief. If I had paid more attention to how I felt rather than how I felt she she should feel, I may have reacted differently.
One of the problems I had during the conversation was that my attempts at active listening at times felt ineffectual. I tried saying “you’re frustrated by the situation you’re in” and “it’s understandable to be angry when you’re losing someone you love”, but nothing connected. That added to my frustration. Her confusing and convoluted story made it hard for me to listen. In those situations it’s my tendency to go up in my head and try to figure out what’s going on behind what is being said. It also made me defensive, as I had called this person in order to provide requested counseling only to find that there wasn’t anything I could counsel. I felt this person didn’t even want the kind of help I could provide, only the help I couldn’t provide.
The call ended after over an hour had passed. We went round and round, both of us angry and frustrated with each other I felt. I think it was after the fourth time that I asked “is there anything in particular that I can do to help you?” that she answered “no, I don’t think there is.” Tacitly I agreed. I told her that I had hoped that she had at least felt heard, as she had undoubtedly felt that nobody of importance listened to her, and that if it would help her to talk from time to time just to be heard we could do that.
That may be the most and best I can offer for now.