ion. These may need to be explained
up to the level of the child's understanding.
Some families find it helpful to have the casket and body at
home before the service. You can ask the children if they would like to say goodbye in a very special way by placing a momento
in the casket - a drawing, a letter or a flower.
It may also be helpful if a trusted adult cares for young children
during the service. After the funeral, children may, in play, reenact the funeral and/or pretend to be sick or dying. This
playing out of the illness and the funeral is quite normal.
Age groups and their reactions
Up to two years
The death of a parent
will not be understood. However, the child will notice the absence of a parent and the emotional changes in those providing
care. Even a small baby may become irritable, crying more; eating habits may change; there may be bowel or bladder upsets.
Two to three years
At about two years,
children know that if people are out of sight they can be called back or looked for. Looking for a parent who has died is
a typical expression of grief in this age group. It may take time before a child even as young as 18 months realizes that
the parent is not coming back. These children need a secure, stable environment. Try to keep to the normal routine of eating
and sleeping. They will need attention and love. If you are concerned about your child's behavior, talk to the doctor or health
Three to five years
The child's understanding
of death at this age is still limited. The child is used to being away from parents while attending kindergarten, school or
a party. However, they are confident those parents will return. As with the younger children, behavioral patterns may change.
Though times of sadness are likely to be short, there may be
problems with the bowel or bladder, stomach aches, headaches, rashes, temper tantrums, reversion to baby habits (thumb sucking,
comfort blanket etc.). They may suddenly be afraid of the dark, suffer periods of sadness, anger, anxiety, crying.
It is important to contact the child's kindergarten teacher,
day care supervisor or school teacher so they can be alert to any problems facing the child. If worrying behavior or distress
persists get professional help and support.
Children in this age group need to know that death is nothing
like sleeping. They will talk when Mum or Dad is coming back. From this age, children can also think something they've done
or have not done may has caused the death, for example not giving the parent a toy, drawing, gift etc. This reasoning may
not be immediately evident so talk about any concerns the child has. He or she needs to be reassured that this was not so.
You will have to explain gently that Mum or Dad died and will
never come back. Be reassuring. Make sure children know they will be looked after, that the family will stay together. The
odds of anything happening to you are not high, but try to ensure children know the person well who would take responsibility
for them should this unlikely occurrence arise. Discuss this with the children.
Children in this age group can also understand how a person
'lives on' by the fact that they wouldn't be who they are without the parent's influence. It will be helpful to recall with
the children some of the things the parent did with them - such as the games played, holidays enjoyed and so on.
Six to eight years
At this age children
will still have difficulty in understanding the reality of death. Serious illness or death of a parent can set these children
apart from friends and other classmates. However, their grieving will be spasmodic and they will suffer many of the preschool
age group's problems.
They will face the extra stress of questions about the death
from classmates when they return to school. You should have spoken to the key teachers before the children return to school
and their school mates should have been told how to handle it. Some of the children's friends may want to come to the funeral
and this is fine.
Prepare the children for questions. Tell them to say simply,
'My Mum/Dad died.' Th