at they are likely to be able to understand and identify with. Sharing our need creates connection. It also focuses our thoughts about the meaning of a situation in a way that is likely to lead to us to address what is important.
A “request” is a clear, doable invitation to act in a way we guess might support a need or needs, often a need around being connected in the current conversation. This invitation is characterized by an intention that both people’s needs be honored. This implies a willingness to hear “no” as simply feedback that you haven’t yet fully understood or taken into account the other person’s needs. Offering a request suggests a concrete way that the other person might act so as to honor needs that are “up.”
The various components work together. An observation can sometimes be omitted if the context for the conversation is clear. A feeling can be omitted if there is sufficient connection already, or if the context is one where naming a feeling isn’t likely to contribute to connection. However, if a feeling is named, it is important to also offer a need. Otherwise, in our culture it is easy for people to jump to the conclusion that you are holding them responsible for your emotions, and that assumption to lead people to act in ways that aren’t life serving. Offering a need diverts people’s thoughts away from this unhelpful path, and focuses attention on what is most important. Similarly, when one offers a need, it is important to couple this with a request. Otherwise, people are likely to jump to the conclusion that there is an implied responsibility for them to meet your need. If they think they are being made responsible, they’re much less likely to want to hear your needs. Offering a request diverts them from vague and potentially unpleasant speculations about what you might expect of them, and instead tells them what you actually do want. When you offer a request and people are used to hearing demands, it will often be helpful to say something to further clarify that you are offering a request, not making a demand, again to avoid unhelpful inferences about your intentions.
To summarize, an observation sets the context, feelings support connection and getting out of our heads, needs support connection and identify what is important, and a request clarifies what sort of response you might enjoy. Using these components together minimizes the chances of people getting lost in potentially disconnecting speculation about what you want from them and why.