ey need to be told it is okay not to go into any details about their parent's death. Let the child decide
who they want to open up to. Ask the teacher to let you know if your child has any problems at school. Grieving children may
behave out of character in class, or show anger against a teacher or classmates. School work may suffer because they cannot
concentrate and are preoccupied with their loss. They may also suffer with headaches or stomach aches before going to school
or at school. Accept these as normal and that they should pass.
There will be feelings of uncertainty and insecurity and children
will tend to cling to the surviving parent. At special times of the year (Mother's/Father's Day, Christmas, summer holidays,
for instance) children may be especially upset.
As with the younger age group, primary school children need
to be reassured that there are also other people who will help look after and protect them. Show them you love them. Again,
you can talk with them about the positive and special things they did with their parent.
Be careful not to tell children God has 'taken' the parent to
live in heaven. If children seem angry with others (doctor, nurse, minister, God) blaming them for causing the death, help
them work through their anger. This anger is normal and tends to show in primary school age children.
If any behavioral problems persist get professional help from
therapists specializing in bereavement and grief. This can usually be arranged by approaching your own doctor, school principal
or local Cancer Society.
Preadolescent (9 - 12 years)
It is generally
accepted that most children have developed a mature concept of death by the age of eight or nine years. However, some of the
behavior shown by younger primary school children will inevitably overlap into this age group.
Bereavement at this stage can lead to feelings of helplessness
- something that directly contradicts the drive to be more independent at this stage. These children can develop an identity
problem. They can have feelings of helplessness yet show a brave face to friends and school mates, and another to family and
They may hide their emotions yet be hurt by remarks made at
school; they may not reach expected educational levels, fight at school or rebel against authority. However, school can be
a stable place in what may have become a chaotic world. At the extreme, these reactions are a cry for HELP; this makes it
important to deal with any concerns about school.
Children in this age group may also try to assume the role of
the mother and father. This shouldn't be encouraged, especially emotionally, but be aware that the family 'structure' has
changed and the family members who are left will have to regroup and sort out their rules. There will need to be some sharing
of responsibility in terms of helping out.
Make sure there is still plenty of time for play, sport and
leisure activities, and that children have friends of their own age. Let them know it is okay still to be happy and excited
about events. If there are problems, discuss them. Talk them through. If behavior problems continue get professional help.
For these young people, facing
death can be frightening. They are already coping with physical and mental changes as they move from childhood to adulthood.
Bereavement presents an added layer to complicate the already difficult picture that adolescence presents.
It is not uncommon for teenagers to confide or find help for
their grief outside the home; as the remaining parent, you should not feel this is a reflection of you.
Conversely some young people will feel isolated because they
feel friends shun them or are embarrassed and don't know what to say to them. You may also find school work is affected. A
teenager may behave out of character. In extreme cases they may suffer depression, run away, change friends, use drugs, become
sexually promiscuous or even suicidal. If they are in any way concerned, get expert help promptly.
Teaching staff and youth leaders involved with the children
should always be told of the death and be quiet