Same-sex marriage has been legal in the United States since June 2015, but gay, lesbian, transgender and queer people still face discrimination around the country, as the recent mass shooting in Orlando made painfully clear.
The attacks came at a key time in a key place: a gay nightclub in June, also known as Pride Month in cities around the world. This month also brings the publication of When Your Child Is Gay, a new guide for parents co-authored by Wesley C. Davidson and Jonathan L. Tobkes, M.D. Here, Tobkes shares some advice for raising a child who is happy, healthy and secure in their sexuality. While each child and family and set of circumstances bring their own challenges, there are a few guidelines you may want to keep in mind.
1. Don't overthink "early signs."
While observing every stage of your child's development (first steps! first complete sentence!), you may read into certain behaviors that seem "gendered" somehow, such as a daughter who loves sports or a son who wants to wear a dress. "The most important thing is to encourage and support whatever their interests are, and not look for meaning in everything," Tobkes says. "My own brother loved playing with Barbie dolls as a kid, and he's straight and has been happily married to a woman for years," he adds. "My parents fostered that interest, and they didn't read into it or force him into being something else."
2. Wait until they're comfortable bringing it up on their own.
You may feel like you're being proactive by initiating this difficult conversation, but your child may not be ready to discuss their feelings yet, or even understand what their feelings are. "Most children don't start to acknowledge a sexuality until adolescence," Tobkes points out. By introducing the topic, they may become self-conscious about their behaviors.
3. Say supportive things about LGBT people and causes.
If you frame gay family members, friends, neighbors, leaders and celebrities as normal members of society (which of course, they are), then your child will learn to treat them equally as well — and learn that their own desires are normal. Also, "You can make comments letting them know they'll be accepted no matter what," Tobkes suggests. "Make general positive statements about gay people, but don't force the issue or bring it up directly."
4. Be careful about how you address bullying.
As the parent of a gay child, you may be worried about the treatment they'll receive from their classmates, but tread lightly in your advice for how they should deal with it. "I had a kid [in my practice] being bullied, and the dad said to him, 'Well, maybe you should dress differently,'" Tobkes remembers. "He was trying to give a tip, but the child interpreted it as, 'Even my parents don't accept me for who I am.' They need to know their home is a safe spot, that they can be themselves."
5. Repress the desire to be their one and only confidant.
"Parents might be offended if their child doesn't tell them first, but they could tell a friend," Tobkes says. Think about it: Did you want to ponder your sexual desires with your parents when you were a teenager (or now, for that matter)? Their pals, counselors, coaches, aunts or uncles may make for easier ears, at least in the beginning.
6. Reach out for some support if you need it.
"The most predictive indicator of how a child does overall is whether or not they feel supported at home," Tobkes says, which goes for gay and straight kids alike. "If the home is an anchor, they can survive anything." It can be exhausting to to keep all these worries inside, however. "A child coming out is a stressful life event — it's something you weren't expecting," he says. If your spouse or co-parent is too close to the subject of your family, Tobkes suggests discussing it with your own therapist, a friend, or parents who have gone through something similar, like at a local meeting of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG).