ted after her. Not all abusers beat, punch or kick, and often insidious abuse is worse than physical abuse. I have first hand experience of a Covert Controlling Abuser - arguably the most self-centred man on the planet who is hell bent on destroying his children as he has already destroyed his wife, all for the sake of controlling them. I chose to remain single and childless because of the way I was treated as a child (and well into adulthood, including right now). Abusers don't change, the system in Ireland is too underfunded to make significant change so those who are abused, if they can, must learn to deal with such abuse and with God's help escape from it.|
|Anonymous Posted: 10/05/2006 13:55|
|It's not just the fear of the police not believing or taking action. It's the fear of family and friends not believing you, or bizzarely, the fear that if you expose the abuser for what he is, he will suffer repercussions in his life. I was abused for almost two years by a highly respected, award winning journalist and I still haven't really told people the full extent of the things he did, even though it was a long time ago, and I am now extremely happily married to a fantastic man. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but it felt more important to protect his reputation as a so called decent middle class intellectual than stand up and say 'look what he did to me'. I'm not going to do anything about it now, but I sometimes feel like I want to report him to somebody as I colluded in him getting away with it. He really messed my life up for the time we were together and for a good while afterwards.|
|Nick Posted: 27/07/2006 14:52|
|Am looking for advice for a friend who is the the middle of suffering controlling abuse from her ex-husband to the extend that her friends and family fear for her safety. She needs advice on how to handle this. She is going through legal / police channels at the moment but could do with advice on understanding his psycholocial make-up. They have children so she has to be able to deal with him for years to come. Any names books or counsellors or associations that could help her manage this emotionally.|
|Frightened Posted: 28/07/2006 03:29|
|I got some warning signs alright from an ex-boyfriend before he beat me up one night. If I looked at any man in the pub he used to cup his hand under my chin and pull it back to make me look at him again. Then he would redden up and glare in the direction that I was looking in. His fists would clench and he would whisper things like, "Don't do this to me or You only belong to me. Never forget that." When he went to the counter to get a drink he would keep looking back at me winking to hold my attention. When we walked along the street he would pull me really tightly to him as though he never wanted to leave me go but sometimes he would dig his fingers in my shoulder and hurt me. If I protested he would start kissing me all over my face and hair. He had very few friends and rarely spoke to anyone when I was with him and he used to tell me to avoid my own friends. One day when I went to meet him I saluted a neighbour of mine, stopped and had a little joke with him. When I went up to my ex he told me to go away and that he didn't want me anymore. I asked him for an explanation but he was in a foul mood and just started shouting at me to go away. I couldn't understand his reaction at all and tried my best to bring down his bad mood. He was walking a good way in front of me so I continued to call out to him. Then all of a sudden he raced back towards me and started kicking and punching me in the legs and stomach. Then he went for my head and kept hitting it for what seemed like an eternity. Finally he let go and walked away. I don't know how I got home and I don't even know if someone was with me. I have no memory of the rest of that day. All I can remember was that I thought my head was going to fall off. I think that there is only one way to deal with these people. Gather a family or neighbourhood together. Leave him see how many people are against him. That