the child's kindergarten teacher,
day care supervisor or school teacher so they can be alert to any problems facing the child. If worrying behavior or distress
persists get professional help and support.
Children in this age group need to know that death is nothing
like sleeping. They will talk when Mum or Dad is coming back. From this age, children can also think something they've done
or have not done may has caused the death, for example not giving the parent a toy, drawing, gift etc. This reasoning may
not be immediately evident so talk about any concerns the child has. He or she needs to be reassured that this was not so.
You will have to explain gently that Mum or Dad died and will
never come back. Be reassuring. Make sure children know they will be looked after, that the family will stay together. The
odds of anything happening to you are not high, but try to ensure children know the person well who would take responsibility
for them should this unlikely occurrence arise. Discuss this with the children.
Children in this age group can also understand how a person
'lives on' by the fact that they wouldn't be who they are without the parent's influence. It will be helpful to recall with
the children some of the things the parent did with them - such as the games played, holidays enjoyed and so on.
Six to eight years
At this age children
will still have difficulty in understanding the reality of death. Serious illness or death of a parent can set these children
apart from friends and other classmates. However, their grieving will be spasmodic and they will suffer many of the preschool
age group's problems.
They will face the extra stress of questions about the death
from classmates when they return to school. You should have spoken to the key teachers before the children return to school
and their school mates should have been told how to handle it. Some of the children's friends may want to come to the funeral
and this is fine.
Prepare the children for questions. Tell them to say simply,
'My Mum/Dad died.' They need to be told it is okay not to go into any details about their parent's death. Let the child decide
who they want to open up to. Ask the teacher to let you know if your child has any problems at school. Grieving children may
behave out of character in class, or show anger against a teacher or classmates. School work may suffer because they cannot
concentrate and are preoccupied with their loss. They may also suffer with headaches or stomach aches before going to school
or at school. Accept these as normal and that they should pass.
There will be feelings of uncertainty and insecurity and children
will tend to cling to the surviving parent. At special times of the year (Mother's/Father's Day, Christmas, summer holidays,
for instance) children may be especially upset.
As with the younger age group, primary school children need
to be reassured that there are also other people who will help look after and protect them. Show them you love them. Again,
you can talk with them about the positive and special things they did with their parent.
Be careful not to tell children God has 'taken' the parent to
live in heaven. If children seem angry with others (doctor, nurse, minister, God) blaming them for causing the death, help
them work through their anger. This anger is normal and tends to show in primary school age children.
If any behavioral problems persist get professional help from
therapists specializing in bereavement and grief. This can usually be arranged by approaching your own doctor, school principal
or local Cancer Society.
Preadolescent (9 - 12 years)
It is generally
accepted that most children have developed a mature concept of death by the age of eight or nine years. However, some of the
behavior shown by younger primary school children will inevitably overlap into this age group.
Bereavement at this stage can lead to feelings of helplessness
- something that directly contradicts the drive to be more independent at this stage. These children can develop an identity
problem. They can have feelings of he