(i've been telling myself i would write this post for a few weeks now - being a writer, i always think i need to wait for the right words or the inspiration to flow before i can start writing. i'm learning these days that writing that matters doesn't come out of talent or eloquence - it comes out of honesty, authenticity, and just plain living. so here goes!)
over the last few months, i've lost count of how many times people have said to me "you really sound like you're enjoying your job!" or "it's so refreshing to see someone actually liking what they do at work", or something along those lines. and every time i hear that, i laugh, because where i am today is so, so far from where i was one year ago.
one year ago, my heart was not fully settled back in malaysia. one year ago, i was in a job that my heart was not in. there was a period where, for a week, i cried every single morning before going to work because i felt so lost and directionless. all my big dreams, plans, and accomplishments up till that point... and where was i? i had no clue why i was there - and no clue what the future held for me.
once upon a time, i thought that for a person like me, with my personality and background and education, i needed to do things like be an entrepreneur or be in the media or freelance or work in a charity organisation. i thought that at work, i had to stifle certain aspects of my personality to perform. with different groups of friends, i thought i had to be a different person to fit in. and then there was finding the one. i thought i had to find someone who checked all the right boxes, progress in a relationship according to all the right steps, and have the blessing of all my friends and family.
somewhere along the way, it hit me that the way people perceived me was the way i wanted them to perceive me - not who i was. and over tearful conversations with strong, wise female mentors, it hit me that i didn't know who i was. i knew who i wanted to be, for sure - the strong, capable, independent, creative, unique, artistic one - but i thought there was only one way to be all that, and that i was doing it all wrong. i was not living up to my own standards.
it took some time, but i eventually realised that if i kept heading the way i was headed, i would exhaust myself. "look at you running around, trying to do so much," good friends told me. "there's nothing wrong with what you're doing - but it's not about doing so much - it's about why you're doing so much. who are you trying to be? what are you running from?" i realised that the person i was trying to turn myself into was not who i wanted to be - i was tired of striving. i wanted to discover what it meant to be me - to be who God made me to be - not dictated by what people thought of me, or where i worked, or my past, or my background, or my talents, but just simply who i am, right now, in this season.
i was tired of censoring myself and pretending to be "nice" all the time. to say all the right things. to be politically correct. of pretending to like certain things and to hide certain things i really liked. i thought somehow the things i cared about conflicted with each other - that i couldn't be successful, driven and ambitious while being creative, artistic, and down-to-earth. that i couldn't focus on doing the things i loved while prioritising the things that needed to get done. that i couldn't lead others while being honest about my own flaws and my struggles and questions.
and then it hit me - why the heck not? what was really so bad about being myself? it's scary, sure - to go through that process of discovering who you really are - but what else is there to do? keep trying to live up to impossible standards that were never mine to live up to?
i decided i wanted to stop trying so damn hard all the time. to please people, to please myself, to please God. i wanted to just be. even if it meant losing certain things that my identity revolved around. even if it meant looking slightly odd or crazy at times. i wanted to stop trying to control so much of my life, and just let go and say, "God, whatever you have for me, it doesn't matter anymore. i just want to be who you want me to be." yes, i lost certain things in the process. i had to say no to a lot of things that used to be important to me.
and i trusted. i trusted that in saying no to all that, i was saying yes to grace, and yes to trusting. trusting that here is exactly where i am supposed to be. me is exactly who i am supposed to be. this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing. i don't have to try so hard all the time. i gave myself permission to stop trying, and just be.
and then life happened. opportunity after opportunity came to serve, to contribute at work, to use my talents and gifts not in the way i expected they'd be used, but in a way that fired me up and surprised me.
ever have those moments where you go, "whoa, i can do this?!? whoa, i'm actually pretty good at this!" that was exactly how it felt. some people call it 'calling', some people call it being in 'flow', some people call it the 'sweet spot' - whatever you call it - it's that place where you know, not just in your head or with your emotions, but with some kinda of deeper, gut instinct, that this. is. it. this is where i'm meant to be. and nothing else can convince you otherwise.
you wake up every morning, excited to get started, because everything you do has meaning. and things just keep happening - puzzle pieces you could never figure out start just clicking into place, one after the other. all those months of questioning and wondering finally make sense and you're like, "ohhhh... so that's why i had to go through that, so i can do this." it's an incredible feeling!
Sarah: i'm so glad to hear you talk about your work like that really
10:35 it gives me hope that there IS such a thing as really loving your job
me: yeah and it's not just for entrepreneurs and travel writers!!!
which is what i always thought i had to be
10:36 just like i thought i had to follow a certain type of path
but thankfully God knows us better than we know ourselves
and he gives us better and more
this morning i had a chat with a friend / mentor who reminded me that no matter how far i've strayed, or how badly i've messed up, i always keep coming back to this place of grace. of learning and understanding that in spite of myself, there has always been and will always be a beautiful plan for my life, even if i don't see the whole picture yet. and it's teaching me to trust harder and risk more. because my faith is in Someone who is able to do "exceedingly, abundantly", far more than i could ever imagine or guess or request in my wildest dreams (eph 3:20).