Basketball Wives LA returned Monday night. For those of you who missed last season, it’s like a diet version of the original Basketball Wives. Less calories, but it will still likely give you diabetes.
We begin this episode at Jackie’s house on 1313 Mockingbird Lane. She and her husband/maid, Doug are in the kitchen preparing a meal. Well, Doug is preparing a meal. Jackie spends this time drinking and talking incessantly. Jackie reveals that her youngest daughter, Chantel, has escaped from her insane parents and is now living in Washington State. “Cheers to us getting settled and me talking to Chani,” Jackie says.
What kind of toast is that? Jackie says it’s been difficult without Chantel in the house and that she also misses her fellow cast mates.
Last season ended with a hilarious screaming match between Jackie and the rest of the women. “I really feel bad that they went the route of making up stories,” Jackie says. “But at the same time, I feel bad. There were parts in it I played. It’s up to them to let me meet them halfway.” Wow, that was mature. Is this a kinder gentler Jackie we’re seeing? “You can try to help them,” Doug says. “Everyone doesn’t want help.” What an autobiographical statement, Mr. Christie. Jackie says the other women may be envious of her. “What I bring to their lives is much more valuable than what they bring to mine.” So much for a kinder, gentler Jackie. Although, she does have a point. Without Jackie and her insanity, this show would be like watching paint dry.
Laura, who has since moved to Orlando, is in Los Angeles to meet with her sister Gloria. Gloria asks how things are going with Gilbert Arenas, Laura’s on again – off again fiancé of what seems like 30 years. He’s the man I’ve always wanted to be with,” Laura says. Apparently, he doesn’t feel the same way. They’re still not married. Laura reveals that she and her sister haven’t spoken much since last season. “She’s hard to talk to,” Laura says about Gloria. “Our relationship over the past year has been tainted.” Hmm. “I’ve just been so focused on me,” Gloria says. That doesn’t come as a surprise. Gloria says that she and her on again—off again fiancé Matt Barnes broke up for eight months, but are now back together and solid as a rock. Doesn’t she do this every year? She says that their time apart helped her to find out more about herself. “What made me laugh, what made me cry,” Gloria says. “He did a lot of soul searching too.” Yeah, with Eva Longoria.
Draya meets with Malaysia. Malaysia has since moved to Atlanta with her husband and children and is continuing to work on her special line of joo-ree. Draya, on the other hand is still in Los Angeles and “modeling.” “I’ve been shooting for a million magazines,” Draya says. “A million parties, I’m working on the bikini thing. I want it to be perfect because I want to be rich and rich people don’t rush.”
I beg to differ Draya. You’d better rush, because the thing that’s making you money is going to fade very quickly. How many girls from Tupac’s “I Get Around” video do you see walking around with stock options? I doubt there are any millionaire Luke dancers out there either. I hope you’re saving the money from this crappy show. You’re going to need it. Draya asks Malaysia if she’s still cool with Jackie. “I don’t have no problems with Jackie,” Malaysia says. “I’m not holding a grudge. She is who she is.” What Jackie is, is crazy.
“She didn’t kill me and she didn’t [expletive] my husband, so we’re good,” Malaysia says. Malaysia honey, if she killed you, you wouldn’t be around to hold a grudge. I just want to pat her head sometimes. Draya says that Jackie motivated her to start her bikini line. “The part that’s not crazy really is a nice person,” Ha! That should be Jackie’s slogan.
Back at 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Jackie sits poolside with her friend Sundy (pronounced Sundae). Her parents should be fired from Earth for that name. Jackie complains to Sundy that she was mistreated by the other women. Sundy tells her that she should swallow her pride and be the bigger person. “Why should I be the one to make up?” Jackie asks. “These is the tricks that did it! I feel like they should get on their knees and apologize.”
Way to be the bigger person Jackie. “What is the root to this?” Sundy asks. Jackie says the other women are jealous of her. “I got everything these women want,” she says. “I’mma be honest with you. I think they was intimidated by I’m a businesswoman.”
Please don’t ask me for a translation of that quote. Jackie and Malaysia speak their own special Nell-type language that is not understood by the outside world. I think the official name for it is, Baskee-ball Wife-ish. Jackie reflects on the state of her life. “My daughters moved out, I lost my mom, my friends are treating me like a bandit, but I got you Sundy,” she says. Sundy looks like she wants to run. “I appreciate your friendship,” Jackie says. “And I appreciate yours too,” Sundy says. As they embrace, Sundy looks out over the landscape and realizes her fate is now sealed. She will never escape. Jackie has probably already ordered her a rush copy of Rosetta Stone in Baskee-Ball Wife-ish.
Draya introduces us to the newest Baskee-Ball Wife, Brooke. Like most of the others in the cast, Brooke is not married, but claims to be dating a basketball player named Vernon Macklin. “I know Brooke from being out like in the club,” Draya says. Okay. “I started working in the industry as a video vixen,” Brooke says. “I met Draya in the industry.” Whatever. Brooke and Draya are seated in what looks like, Pinkberry. But they’re dressed like Hooters waitresses.
They’re wearing almost identical hot pink shirts and tight black exercise pants. I’m confused. Are they working there? Nobody in Pinkberry dresses like that. They look what would happen if Pinkberry and Hooters mated. Pooters waitresses if you will. I’d fire both of them. Draya asks Brooke if she’ll continue to model. “I’m really good at it,” Brooke says. “I can’t go and work like a 9 to 5.” Brooke, see the reference above to millionaire Luke dancers.
Malaysia walks to her car to call Jackie. “Maybe she made a mistake,” Malaysia says. “No one’s perfick, so everyone deserve a second chance.” Oh Malaysia. How I’ve missed your malapropisms. Jackie answers Malaysia’s phone call. “Wow Malaysia it’s been a while,” she says. “I was just thinking about how things ended and I would like to sit down and have a woman to woman talk with you,” Malaysia says. She looks like she wants to kill herself as she’s talking. Jackie agrees to meet with Malaysia. Malaysia says that she hopes Jackie can see how manipulative she was.
Jackie and Malaysia meet for coffee. “I want to see if she’s stable,” Malaysia says. That’s hilarious because she’s serious. Jackie says she misses Malaysia. “I adore you,” Jackie says. “I always felt the closest to you.” Malaysia is unfazed. “You were really defensive and you didn’t own up to anything,” Malaysia says. “It’s my fault for letting you tell me things.” “I’ve never hung with a group of girls,” Jackie says. “I’ve always been with my husband or my sisters.” What about Sundy? Malaysia invites Jackie to Gloria’s cook book party. “So we can just bring you there,” Malaysia says. “I’m going to give it my best shot,” Jackie says. “And that’s all you can do,” Malaysia says. If this show weren’t completely scripted, I’d say that it’s pretty rude to invite someone to someone else’s house without asking, but this is Baskee-Ball Wives. They’re not really big on manners.
At Gloria’s house, the gang’s all there, including Brooke. Brooke expresses some apprehension about meeting the group. “Have they googled me?” she asks. “Are they going to like me?” Are these things that people have to worry about these days? Should I expect that all the people at each Super Bowl party I’m invited to have performed a background check on me? That’s pretty creepy. Speaking of creepy, I’ve noticed that Brooke does not blink.
Maybe that’s why she’s afraid of being googled. She’s a cyborg. The women take their seats and sample the food Gloria has prepared. She tells them to be honest about whether they like it or not. Brooke says she doesn’t like the pumpkin seeds. It interferes with her circuitry I’ll bet. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Draya opens the door and lets Jackie in. Jackie exchanges pleasantries with the others and eats without making much conversation. Malaysia stands to speak. “I invited Jackie,” she says. “I spoke with Jackie and she’s in a different space, and she’s willing to offer an apology.” Jackie remains silent while Malaysia continues, “Miss Jackie promised…” Gloria promptly cuts her off, “To pick one personality!” Gloria says. I was expecting for Jackie to shoot fire out of her bosom and fry Gloria where she sat, but I guess this is the beginning of a calmer gentler Jackie Christie.
Some ignorant previews: Looks like I spoke too soon. Crazy Jackie is back and out for blood. I’m not disappointed.
M.T. Wiseman is a freelance journalist located in the Washington Metropolitan area. She is a reality show junkie, but draws the line at anything Kardashian related. Follow her on Twitter @mtwiseman
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