I allow myself a moment of weakness and even say it out loud. However, he will never hear it from me. If I survive the rebels longer than two weeks, I'll probably even start insulting him again to restore a not inconsiderable part of the lost balance between us. But now, in the solitude of my new sanctuary and under the gloriously hot spray of water that washes the sweat and dirt from my hair, I accept and acknowledge it. I am indeed grateful.