Part of her wished that she could have loved Antonin as he loved her. Maybe their lives would've been less chaotic, less miserable. There were times that she tried to transform her feelings for him into something more. Each time she failed. He frightened her more than he excited her. When she thought about the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, he hadn't been a contender. She loved Augustus and foolishly believed that getting to be with him would make her happy. Years after the choice was taken out of her hands, she understood that she had been too young and naive at the time to truly understand.