Married

with

Undiagnosed

ASD

Why

Women

Who

Leave

Lose

Twice

April

By

Sarah

Swenson

MA

LMHC

GoodTherapyorg

Topic

Expert

Authors

note

A

caveat

before

we

get

into

the

substance

of

this

article

couples

counseling

with

a

skilled

therapist

can

greatly

help

couples

in

which

one

partner

has

the

symptoms

or

diagnosis

of

autism

spectrum

ASDhighfunctioning

autism

This

article

describes

the

path

followed

by

many

women

whose

husbands

are

not

diagnosed

and

who

did

not

have

successful

couples

counseling

support

to

help

them

understand

their

differences

I

write

here

about

heterosexual

married

couples

because

these

are

the

couples

I

see

most

frequently

in

my

practice

where

most

often

it

is

the

man

who

exhibits

the

characteristics

of

ASD

This

is

not

meant

to

imply

only

heterosexual

couples

face

these

issues

or

only

men

can

have

problematic

ASD

When

a

neurotypical

woman

is

married

to

a

man

who

has

the

behaviors

associated

with

autism

spectrum

ASD

several

things

typically

occur

Over

the

course

of

her

marriage

she

experiences

herself

as

gradually

disappearing

In

the

place

of

her

former

self

emerges

a

person

she

barely

recognizes

She

is

so

lonely

So

hurt

So

angry

She

feels

isolated

as

her

social

connections

have

gradually

diminished

She

feels

misunderstood

by

everyone

who

knows

her

so

she

has

learned

not

to

talk

about

her

problems

She

starts

to

feels

crazy

She

also

feels

guilty

because

her

husband

is

a

good

man

This

result

can

be

seen

in

the

following

modified

example

from

my

psychotherapy

practice

A

woman

in

her

came

in

for

her

first

appointment

She

seemed

unsure

of

herself

eyes

downcast

behaving

as

many

women

do

when

they

first

arrive

I

recognized

the

familiar

look

of

bewilderment

explained

by

others

before

her

as

wondering

whether

they

are

going

to

make

sense

when

they

begin

to

speak

of

whether

I

will

view

them

as

whiners

or

whether

they

may

be

wasting

my

time

Before

taking

a

seat

she

handed

me

her

curriculum

vitae

Many

pages

long

it

was

heavy

in

my

hand

This

is

who

I

used

to

be

she

said

At

a

glance

I

could

see

that

among

other

things

this

woman

had

successfully

argued

a

case

in

front

of

the

US

Supreme

Court

Sinking

into

the

chair

in

my

office

however

she

appeared

too

meek

to

look

me

in

the

eye

as

her

tears

began

to

form

I

think

my

husband

has

Aspergers

I

dont

know

though

Maybe

its

me

Maybe

theres

something

wrong

with

me

she

said

We

have

been

married

for

years

I

dont

mean

to

say

anything

bad

about

him

Hes

a

good

man

But

I

need

a

divorce

And

my

children

think

Im

a

crazy

person

Then

the

tears

came

in

earnest

Its

such

a

relief

to

be

here

People

dont

believe

me

I

stopped

talking

about

this

a

long

time

ago

I

have

seen

this

many

times

On

one

occasion

a

woman

told

me

My

husband

has

Aspergers

Then

she

began

to

cry

could

not

stop

seemed

uncomfortable

for

not

being

able

to

compose

herself

and

left

the

office

without

uttering

another

word

There

are

women

who

work

with

me

for

several

months

and

can

still

feel

blindsided

when

something

comes

up

at

home

that

they

misinterpret

from

a

neurotypical

NT

perspective

instead

of

considering

the

implications

of

ASD

They

continue

to

be

surprised

at

the

gap

between

themselves

and

their

husbands

The

pain

they

feel

when

they

recognize

this

gap

catches

them

like

a

stab

to

the

stomach

What

has

happened

to

these

women

Its

difficult

to

see

the

process

while

it

is

going

on

just

as

it

is

difficult

to

see

the

effects

of

water

drops

on

granite

minute

by

minute

But

changes

that

are

negligible

day

to

day

are

incontrovertible

over

the

long

term

With

time

granite

that

once

held

the

characteristics

of

a

unique

natural

form

is

visibly

reduced

to

a

smooth

monolithic

surface

What

has

happened

to

these

women

Its

difficult

to

see

the

process

while

it

is

going

on

just

as

it

is

difficult

to

see

the

effects

of

water

drops

on

granite

minute

by

minute

But

changes

that

are

negligible

day

to

day

are

incontrovertible

over

the

long

term

With

time

granite

that

once

held

the

characteristics

of

a

unique

natural

form

is

visibly

reduced

to

a

smooth

monolithic

surface

Instead

of

drops

of

water

women

married

to

men

on

the

spectrum

are

struck

by

pain

from

unrelenting

moments

of

being

reflected

inaccurately

in

the

place

they

look

most

often

for

reassurance

the

eyes

of

their

husbands

And

over

time

they

begin

to

interpret

what

is

reflected

to

them

as

a

reliable

representation

They

try

to

alter

their

own

perspective

their

own

aspirations

their

hopes

and

dreams

to

bring

them

into

line

so

they

are

consistent

with

the

way

their

husbands

treat

them

The

lonely

process

of

love

and

guilt

and

shame

rips

them

apart

It

starts

like

this

a

man

on

the

spectrum

most

often

undiagnosed

marries

a

woman

for

all

the

qualities

he

admires

but

once

the

wedding

is

over

those

very

qualities

become

the

things

that

spark

the

most

unsettling

experiences

for

him

She

is

outgoing

socially

has

interesting

things

to

talk

about

and

is

engaged

in

intriguing

professional

activities

She

is

wellregarded

confident

and

kind

For

her

part

she

finds

his

thoughtful

attention

and

his

stability

comforting

She

is

also

drawn

to

what

she

takes

to

be

his

reticence

She

admires

his

ability

to

maintain

his

focus

so

intently

and

to

be

so

successful

in

his

work

To

a

man

on

the

spectrum

however

living

with

a

person

who

has

these

qualities

may

be

predictably

uncomfortable

Where

he

seeks

equilibrium

in

order

to

feel

he

understands

the

world

around

him

she

seeksand

representsnovelty

as

a

result

of

the

very

curiosity

that

made

her

the

woman

he

initially

admired

His

constant

anxiety

related

to

living

in

what

feels

like

an

alien

culture

is

soothed

by

predictability

This

would

be

facilitated

by

the

presence

of

a

partner

who

complies

with

his

view

of

reality

This

is

not

because

he

sets

out

to

manipulate

her

It

is

because

his

fundamental

concepts

are

threatened

by

hers

His

anxiety

grows

with

his

fear

of

doing

something

wrong

because

he

is

never

quite

confident

about

what

the

right

thing

to

do

might

be

From

her

perspective

his

thoughtful

attention

may

have

disappeared

the

very

day

of

the

wedding

He

quickly

became

selfinvolved

and

aloof

The

stability

she

admired

slowly

shows

itself

to

be

profound

inflexibility

The

reticence

does

not

point

to

the

underlying

wisdom

she

assumed

was

present

she

now

sees

that

it

comes

from

his

not

knowing

what

to

do

or

say

And

his

inability

to

focus

on

her

has

come

to

mean

she

exists

outside

his

field

of

interest

where

he

is

apparently

content

to

relegate

her

Mommys

Birthday

Doesnt

Matter

We

can

look

at

birthdays

to

explore

the

dynamics

common

to

interactions

between

partners

in

an

ASDNT

couple

When

he

does

not

acknowledge

her

birthday

and

she

asserts

that

his

behavior

has

upset

her

he

may

respond

that

he

did

not

mean

to

upset

her

therefore

she

shouldnt

be

upset

Or

he

might

tell

her

that

because

birthdays

come

once

year

and

everyone

has

them

they

are

no

big

deal

and

she

should

stop

making

such

a

big

deal

about

them

Or

he

could

tell

her

they

celebrated

her

birthday

last

year

Or

that

birthdays

are

for

children

In

other

As

a

result

she

doesnt

have

the

opportunity

to

celebrate

her

birthday

something

which

is

generally

understood

as

a

common

social

convention

in

our

culture

She

also

feels

rejected

by

her

husband

over

the

belief

her

birthday

is

worth

noting

in

the

first

place

She

asks

herself

why

such

a

little

thing

as

a

birthday

seems

so

important

to

her

She

wonders

whether

she

is

being

juvenile

as

he

suggested

She

sees

he

doesnt

care

one

way

or

another

about

celebrating

his

own

birthday

after

all

She

decides

he

is

more

mature

than

she

is

and

attempts

to

comply

with

this

idea

of

maturity

by

trying

to

ignore

her

own

birthday

It

doesnt

work

All

her

friends

and

family

members

mark

their

birthdays

in

some

way

She

sometimes

has

to

explain

to

them

why

hers

was

overlooked

On

occasion

she

makes

up

stories

about

her

birthday

so

people

wont

feel

sorry

for

her

She

feels

rejected

as

well

as

foolish

for

being

immature

Overall

she

is

sad

and

lonely

still

wondering

why

she

cant

seem

to

make

a

point

on

her

own

behalf

that

shed

enjoy

at

least

a

card

acknowledging

her

birthday

even

though

birthdays

may

not

be

important

to

him

But

over

time

she

has

learned

further

discussion

is

hopeless

on

a

subject

like

this

She

wont

say

anything

else

about

her

birthday

She

has

learned

such

a

conversation

isnt

a

discussion

at

all

It

feels

more

like

a

pedantic

correction

of

yet

another

one

of

her

stupid

ideas

And

it

will

leave

her

upset

possibly

in

tears

with

nowhere

to

go

but

inside

She

continues

to

celebrate

his

birthday

She

makes

certain

the

childrens

birthdays

are

acknowledged

and

celebrated

She

is

now

operating

from

the

notion

that

her

own

birthday

is

a

nonevent

It

does

not

get

mentioned

because

she

does

not

bring

it

up

Her

children

even

though

they

are

young

are

noticing

mommys

birthday

doesnt

matter

however

Daddys

does

Theirs

do

Mommys

doesnt

They

do

not

understand

it

is

Mommy

herselfand

without

help

from

Daddywho

makes

all

the

other

birthdays

happen

By

complying

with

her

husbands

view

of

things

however

in

order

to

avoid

the

pain

of

being

criticized

about

it

It

is

fair

to

wonder

why

a

woman

cant

decide

to

celebrate

her

own

birthday

on

her

own

terms

regardless

of

what

her

husband

thinks

about

it

In

most

cases

this

would

be

a

valid

point

When

ASD

is

present

though

the

calculus

is

different

She

can

celebrate

She

can

bake

a

cake

She

can

buy

herself

flowers

and

even

make

reservations

to

go

to

dinner

that

evening

If

she

does

however

her

husbands

attitude

will

be

clear

to

her

and

to

the

children

whether

he

says

anything

with

actual

words

or

keeps

his

silence

It

will

be

obvious

to

Dr

John

Gottman

relationship

expert

believes

can

kill

a

relationship

because

it

denies

communication

and

denies

opportunity

for

the

relationship

to

grow

The

Children

Are

Watching

The

children

are

watching

everything

interpreting

it

from

their

limited

perspective

and

understanding

Mommy

isnt

thinking

of

this

at

the

time

She

is

not

thinking

the

children

learn

how

to

treat

their

mother

by

observing

the

way

their

father

treats

her

She

is

operating

on

the

assumption

her

children

know

her

and

love

her

and

they

see

she

is

a

good

person

She

is

unaware

that

negative

lifelong

attitudes

toward

her

are

being

formed

in

the

young

minds

of

the

children

she

loves

so

dearly

and

that

these

attitudes

can

come

at

her

later

to

hurt

her

every

bit

as

She

is

also

unaware

that

in

doing

all

the

work

and

providing

all

the

energy

toward

celebrating

Daddys

birthdays

and

the

childrens

birthdays

she

is

showing

the

children

one

more

example

of

taking

on

both

roles

Mommy

and

Daddy

She

does

it

because

it

is

important

to

her

for

example

that

the

childrens

birthdays

are

celebrated

She

wants

them

to

have

fun

She

wants

them

to

have

one

special

day

a

year

that

is

all

about

them

She

sees

this

as

normal

Daddy

doesnt

agree

so

he

doesnt

participate

Mommy

does

it

all

from

the

planning

to

the

present

buying

to

the

cake

decorating

at

home

or

at

the

bakery

She

chats

with

all

the

parents

who

bring

their

own

children

to

celebrate

She

cleans

up

after

the

party

She

is

exhausted

She

says

so

Her

husband

may

respond

by

saying

Well

youre

the

one

who

had

to

have

this

big

party

You

asked

for

it

He

may

not

help

with

the

cleanup

because

well

it

was

her

idea

to

have

the

party

The

children

are

watching

as

Mommy

cleans

up

and

Daddy

retreats

to

his

study

If

they

get

wild

or

misbehave

a

distinct

possibility

after

having

the

house

full

of

friends

and

their

tummies

full

of

birthday

cake

and

ice

cream

it

will

be

Mommy

who

has

to

enter

the

fray

and

settle

things

down

If

shes

tired

and

feeling

lonely

and

rejected

by

her

husband

she

is

at

her

least

resilient

point

and

she

can

snap

unintentionally

at

the

children

She

looks

like

the

bad

guy

the

parent

who

is

always

angry

This

is

how

it

may

seem

to

small

The

children

are

also

susceptible

to

misunderstanding

another

basic

fact

they

observe

regularly

They

see

Mommy

being

strong

They

see

her

as

the

one

in

charge

of

all

the

daily

life

of

the

family

and

of

all

the

extras

such

as

birthday

parties

ballet

lessons

soccer

games

play

dates

and

they

wonder

where

Daddy

is

Because

the

reality

of

the

situation

is

impenetrable

and

inaccessible

to

the

children

they

may

create

their

own

narratives

They

may

believe

Daddy

is

a

good

man

yet

Mommy

seems

to

want

to

do

everything

They

determine

this

is

because

Mommy

has

pushed

Daddy

aside

Time

to

Make

a

Change

The

years

go

by

The

children

go

off

to

college

graduate

create

their

own

lives

Mom

couldnt

be

more

proud

of

the

young

people

they

have

become

She

decides

she

can

no

longer

survive

the

relationship

with

her

husband

however

It

is

not

unusual

for

women

to

leave

these

marriages

once

the

children

are

at

least

in

high

school

but

often

the

marker

is

when

they

leave

the

house

for

college

This

is

not

an

easy

decision

for

a

woman

In

fact

it

is

brutal

And

it

often

makes

no

sense

to

anyone

who

is

looking

in

at

the

marriage

This

woman

has

lost

a

partner

lost

a

marriage

She

has

also

lost

her

dreams

her

hopes

She

has

lost

her

fundamental

sense

of

who

she

is

She

has

to

mourn

these

losses

She

then

has

to

heal

And

she

has

to

recreate

herself

The

woman

by

this

time

may

have

few

friends

few

confidants

She

has

learned

to

refrain

from

discussing

her

marriage

difficulties

because

the

friends

she

has

have

always

seen

her

husband

as

such

a

nice

guy

and

because

he

is

undeniably

a

good

provider

She

stopped

trying

to

talk

about

it

because

she

got

tired

of

hearing

all

marriages

have

problems

she

is

expecting

him

to

meet

all

her

needs

which

is

impossible

for

any

one

person

to

do

and

she

is

misinterpreting

things

When

she

finally

does

go

through

a

divorce

she

discovers

it

will

take

her

years

to

sort

things

out

She

will

think

she

is

doing

well

immediately

afterward

because

it

feels

so

good

to

be

free

from

the

constant

state

of

stress

and

criticism

This

can

be

exhilarating

But

gradually

she

learns

it

is

a

phase

And

it

reveals

a

miscomprehension

of

how

much

healing

she

really

has

to

do

During

this

time

before

she

reestablishes

her

new

self

she

may

do

things

that

seem

rational

and

make

decisions

that

seem

logical

However

it

is

in

looking

back

from

a

vantage

point

of

several

years

after

her

divorce

that

she

is

likely

to

begin

seeing

just

how

separated

from

her

true

being

she

was

during

these

years

of

healing

and

of

how

much

more

healing

she

had

to

do

and

still

faces

This

woman

has

lost

a

partner

lost

a

marriage

She

has

also

lost

her

dreams

her

hopes

She

has

lost

her

fundamental

sense

of

who

she

is

She

has

to

mourn

these

losses

She

then

has

to

heal

And

she

has

to

recreate

herself

It

can

take

a

decade

or

more

to

sort

these

things

out

and

to

become

strong

on

her

own

If

she

enters

into

a

relationship

with

another

man

before

she

gets

her

bearings

she

is

likely

to

face

additional

confusion

until

the

dust

settles

This

is

not

to

be

dismissed

as

the

normal

postdivorce

phase

of

A

NoWin

Situation

By

this

time

the

children

see

her

differently

She

is

the

woman

who

did

not

deserve

to

have

birthday

parties

remember

She

is

the

woman

who

appeared

to

have

pushed

their

father

aside

so

he

was

unable

to

be

part

of

their

daily

lives

She

appeared

to

have

been

the

one

who

rejected

him

and

who

instead

of

involving

him

in

their

lives

inserted

her

own

agenda

and

goals

She

is

the

one

who

spent

all

the

money

because

she

had

to

manage

everything

and

make

all

the

decisions

without

her

husbands

input

She

is

the

one

most

importantly

who

selfishness

caused

the

divorce

and

the

children

were

left

to

sort

it

all

out

Dad

is

the

victim

Mom

is

the

witch

Mom

has

given

her

life

to

be

both

mother

and

father

to

the

children

because

their

father

on

the

autism

spectrum

but

undiagnosed

was

incapable

of

being

involved

emotionally

and

practically

in

the

daily

lives

of

their

young

family

Patterns

were

established

Mom

continued

to

give

She

finally

left

the

marriage

for

her

own

sanity

She

loses

her

marriage

her

husband

her

intact

family

She

appears

to

be

the

agent

of

the

demise

of

the

family

but

she

is

not

because

in

running

from

abuse

regardless

of

the

fact

it

was

not

necessarily

intentional

she

is

running

from

a

burning

building

in

order

to

save

her

life

A

fire

set

by

intent

an

accidental

firewhats

the

difference

to

the

person

inside

the

house

who

must

flee

if

she

wants

to

live

The

woman

loses

again

when

she

begins

to

understand

her

children

treat

her

the

way

their

father

always

treated

her

They

dont

respect

her

They

keep

their

distance

They

blame

her

for

everything

they

ever

felt

was

wrong

in

the

house

when

they

were

growing

up

The

woman

coming

out

of

an

ASDNT

marriage

loses

twice

She

loses

her

husband

and

she

loses

when

her

children

treat

her

the

way

their

father

treated

her

And

to

attempt

to

tell

her

story

to

her

children

is

wrought

with

landmines

invisible

to

her

and

unimaginable

to

the

children

She

feels

she

can

not

convey

the

reality

to

them

regardless

of

her

attempts

And

even

after

all

these

years

she

does

not

want

to

disparage

their

father

because

she

understands

ASD

is

not

his

fault

She

still

treads

carefully

even

though

he

is

unlikely

to

extend

the

same

grace

toward

her

The

children

do

not

see

this

Too

much

time

has

gone

by

Too

many

patterns

are

set

They

see

only

criticism

of

their

father

if

she

If

she

is

fortunate

she

has

found

a

good

therapist

along

the

way

She

has

had

the

opportunity

to

talk

without

feeling

crazy

She

has

cried

the

bulk

of

her

tears

though

they

still

come

when

she

thinks

of

her

children

of

how

she

loves

them

of

how

unfair

this

has

been

to

them

to

her

to

her

former

husband

She

has

herself

She

has

friends

If

she

is

fortunate

she

has

learned

to

recreate

herself

in

such

a

way

she

has

a

career

or

an

involvement

in

the

community

that

allows

her

to

experience

herself

in

her

competence

and

to

be

acknowledged

by

others

as

a

person

worthy

of

attention

worthy

of

friendship

even

worthy

of

a

birthday

party

Postscript

This

article

is

a

composite

of

what

I

have

seen

in

my

practice

over

the

years

among

neurotypical

women

who

have

emerged

from

marriages

with

men

who

exhibit

the

behaviors

consistent

with

a

diagnosis

of

autism

spectrum

disorder

formerly

called

Aspergers

syndrome

high

functioning

autism

As

a

psychotherapist

I

work

with

ASDNT

couples

I

work

with

individuals

affected

by

ASD

I

work

with

women

who

are

or

were

married

to

men

with

ASD

My

role

can

be

described

as

that

of

an

ASDNT

translator

essentially

and

my

goal

is

to

help

both

partners

understand

the

world

as

seen

from

the

References

Gottman

J

The

Seven

Principles

for

Making

Marriage

Work

A

Practical

Guide

from

the

Countrys

Foremost

Relationship

Expert

New

York

NY

Harmony

Books

Silverman

S

NeuroTribes

The

Legacy

of

Autism

and

the

Future

of

Neurodiversity

New

York

NY

Avery

Publishing

Copyright

GoodTherapyorg

All

rights

reserved

The

preceding

article

was

solely

written

by

the

author

named

above

Any

views

and

opinions

expressed

are

not

necessarily

shared

by

GoodTherapyorg

Questions

or

concerns

about

the

preceding

article

can

be

directed

to

the

author

or

posted

as

a

comment

below

comments

Leave

a

Comment

Dahlia

April

at

AM

But

I

would

think

that

all

of

this

could

somehow

be

different

if

you

enter

into

the

relationship

with

knowledge

of

a

diagnosis

Reply

concerned

August

at

PM

No

It

is

not

easier

if

you

know

because

unless

you

are

exposed

to

it

on

a

regular

basis

and

live

with

it

you

have

no

idea

the

frustration

and

loneliness

that

you

experience

I

choose

not

to

let

him

control

me

If

I

didnt

loathe

divorce

I

would

divorce

him

Reply

ruby

October

at

PM

This

is

me

and

was

me

for

more

than

years

of

a

year

marriage

I

have

been

to

hell

and

back

It

describes

in

graphic

detail

everything

that

has

happened

to

me

and

the

resulting

way

my

children

see

me

I

could

not

win

Separated

now

for

years

Still

trying

to

recover

Good

to

be

free

Good

days

Bad

days

Thank

you

for

excellent

article

Kathleen

February

at

AM

This

article

has

affected

me

so

much

I

am

the

woman

being

described

in

the

article

I

feel

like

I

am

lost

and

in

a

dark

bottomless

hole

We

got

married

late

in

life

and

moved

away

where

we

dont

know

anyone

My

husband

is

content

to

stay

in

this

isolated

island

and

I

am

slowly

dying

each

day

I

used

to

be

joyful

and

happy

but

now

I

am

miserable

and

sad

Thank

you

for

a

lifeline

today

I

know

what

I

need

to

do

to

get

help

Reply

KH

August

at

PM

I

also

feel

like

the

article

is

describing

me

and

I

am

feeling

so

lost

Im

years

old

weve

been

together

for

years

I

have

a

teenage

son

from

my

first

marriage

who

lives

with

us

half

of

the

time

and

he

has

started

treating

me

like

my

AS

spouse

I

think

this

started

long

ago

but

Im

seeing

it

now

with

open

eyes

Feeling

gutted

and

alone

Lee

September

at

PM

The

same

thing

happened

to

me

My

husband

finally

died

after

years

of

marriage

and

I

was

able

to

find

a

loving

responsive

man

but

my

daughter

has

been

rough

with

me

over

the

years

like

my

husband

was

to

me

I

am

still

trying

to

find

a

life

for

myself

even

though

I

have

been

successful

I

hardly

do

things

for

myself

I

felt

so

isolated

for

so

many

years

living

alone

far

from

my

family

My

husband

discounted

me

over

and

over

wouldnt

acknowledge

Mothers

day

and

never

told

me

he

loved

me

But

my

new

love

NP

April

at

AM

I

am

a

year

old

BCaBA

who

has

worked

with

ASD

children

for

over

years

I

am

engaged

to

a

year

old

man

who

I

believe

wholeheartedly

has

undiagnosed

ASD

We

have

been

cohabitating

for

months

and

are

raising

six

blended

children

are

mine

and

are

his

His

all

have

ASD

Dx

My

life

is

so

weird

He

puts

me

and

the

kids

first

always

Shows

us

all

by

his

actions

alone

that

we

are

very

special

to

him

and

verbally

tells

us

that

he

loves

us

His

work

ethic

is

sound

and

Reply

Gayla

April

at

PM

Im

trying

to

respond

to

the

lady

engaged

to

the

man

undiagnosed

who

counsels

children

with

ASD

My

expartner

had

similar

sexual

habits

He

says

he

is

now

happy

having

his

needs

met

with

a

new

girlfriend

who

is

also

on

the

Aspergers

Spectrum

I

taught

him

patiently

how

to

be

more

responsive

to

me

over

years

but

progress

was

very

very

slow

and

mostly

unfulfilling

intimacy

resulted

for

me

In

the

last

month

when

we

got

back

together

before

he

betrayed

our

relationship

and

began

to

communicate

with

the

other

woman

his

sexual

hangups

seemed

gone

It

was

NP

April

at

AM

To

Gayla

I

dont

believe

mine

will

stray

He

strayed

on

his

former

wife

and

lost

everything

He

has

extremely

devout

religious

commitment

With

that

saidMasterbation

is

part

of

his

morning

routine

He

wakes

hugs

me

we

have

our

coffee

he

carefully

picks

his

clothes

and

folds

them

neatly

and

puts

them

in

the

bathroom

He

poops

and

reads

his

newsfeed

watches

pornography

and

ejaculates

into

the

toilet

showers

dresses

for

work

and

we

both

leave

the

house

for

the

day

This

is

everysingleday

Wash

Rinse

Repeat

Ive

adjusted

my

routine

to

bathing

before

bed

at

night

because

he

monopolizes

the

bathroom

in

the

morning

At

first

he

tried

to

hide

the

selfpleasuring

but

I

busted

him

on

purpose

to

break

the

ice

and

encouraged

him

to

be

open

and

unabashed

about

it

Now

he

jokes

about

it

not

realizing

how

much

it

hurts

me

Now

if

he

were

climaxing

with

me

this

wouldnt

be

an

issue

He

assures

that

I

am

fully

satisfiedand

I

am

mostly

But

I

want

that

intimacyand

for

him

to

finish

Also

worth

noting

he

was

single

for

a

decade

so

I

believe

he

has

conditioned

himself

to

respond

to

himself

He

also

has

MS

and

I

often

wonder

if

nerve

endings

are

compromised

I

am

considering

taking

on

an

external

loverjust

to

fill

that

void

Idk

Lee

September

at

PM

My

husband

had

Aspergers

too

After

he

died

my

grown

son

shared

with

me

how

he

believes

his

father

didnt

love

him

I

told

my

son

that

his

Father

did

love

him

and

didnt

mean

to

hurt

him

or

me

We

are

both

still

trying

to

recover

My

daughter

has

Aspergers

and

her

son

my

grandson

shows

signs

of

it

too

It

is

a

great

tragedy

that

so

many

lives

become

altered

because

of

this

syndrome

and

its

silent

No

one

is

aware

of

it

except

the

family

living

it

J

J

June

at

PM

It

would

be

imperative

that

both

people

who

are

considering

marriage

know

what

they

are

coming

into

together

My

husband

of

years

was

just

quiet

and

nerdy

Wrong

It

took

time

to

experience

the

difficulties

that

manifested

later

Get

help

ASAP

It

is

a

very

lonely

road

being

married

to

an

Asperger

husband

I

missed

my

life

Reply

Jamie

July

at

PM

I

am

married

to

a

man

that

changed

right

after

the

wedding

At

first

I

thought

he

had

fetal

alcohol

syndrome

and

then

it

became

apparent

that

he

has

ASD

We

have

been

married

for

years

and

we

are

in

our

second

marriage

for

me

and

we

have

a

and

yo

What

I

thought

was

maturity

turned

out

to

be

faked

and

he

lies

or

confabulates

everything

He

will

argue

over

the

color

of

water

The

kids

love

him

but

I

am

doing

everything

and

when

I

read

this

article

my

heart

was

pounding

and

racing

Reply

JBEE

July

at

PM

my

husband

has

started

this

new

one

the

past

few

months

calling

me

Cheap

how

insulting

and

a

liar

finally

I

am

renovating

the

apartment

I

was

about

to

say

the

one

thing

I

am

good

at

has

me

believing

I

am

idiot

I

have

autoimmune

hell

problems

or

wouldnt

be

gone

dont

have

kids

but

am

sick

blood

vessel

problems

So

what

does

he

do

I

fuss

over

renovating

the

apartment

finally

just

what

I

wanted

soothing

We

insists

on

picking

out

lime

green

floors

Thank

God

for

my

guy

friend

who

said

stop

it

buy

what

you

want

end

the

nonsense

I

am

so

worn

down

need

support

a

therapist

who

understand

this

hell

after

a

while

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

July

at

AM

Dear

JBEE

If

you

would

like

to

consult

with

a

mental

health

professional

please

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpwwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

a

list

of

therapists

and

counselors

who

meet

your

criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

to

view

our

members

full

profiles

and

contact

the

therapists

themselves

for

more

information

You

are

also

welcome

to

call

us

for

assistance

finding

a

therapist

We

are

in

the

office

Monday

through

Friday

from

am

to

pm

Pacific

Time

our

phone

number

is

ext

Kind

regards

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

Sarah

Swenson

MA

LMHC

April

at

PM

Hello

Dahlia

yes

and

with

a

diagnosis

good

counseling

support

is

very

important

because

of

the

very

nature

of

the

differences

between

the

two

partners

Reply

Haydee

E

C

December

at

AM

I

disagree

about

your

recommendations

Doctor

I

am

an

engineer

I

was

married

for

years

with

a

man

with

Asperger

Syndrome

and

I

really

believe

there

is

no

such

thing

like

if

you

understand

the

differences

between

your

husband

ang

yourself

it

is

gonna

make

a

change

The

best

advice

to

your

patients

is

run

as

fast

as

you

can

I

am

a

very

smart

woman

smarter

than

the

average

and

I

know

what

im

talking

about

I

studied

this

problem

for

more

than

years

now

I

gathered

hundreds

of

experiences

of

women

in

latin

America

and

very

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

December

at

AM

Hello

Haydee

I

understand

your

objection

to

remaining

in

a

relationship

which

for

you

has

run

its

course

This

is

a

difficult

partnership

and

there

are

no

easy

answers

For

some

neurodiverse

couples

though

there

is

room

for

growth

A

significant

aspect

of

my

work

with

neurodiverse

couples

is

helping

them

understand

what

can

change

and

what

can

not

and

helping

them

make

their

peace

with

that

to

the

extent

that

they

can

Then

our

work

together

begins

either

as

marriage

counseling

or

as

separation

counseling

There

is

no

perfect

answer

only

what

each

couple

chooses

Best

wishes

to

you

White

L

December

at

PM

PLease

post

when

your

book

is

published

in

English

Sarah

P

December

at

AM

Hi

Haydee

I

dont

agree

with

you

that

it

is

never

appropriate

to

stay

My

exhusband

is

undiagnosed

Aspergers

and

I

left

after

years

exhausted

and

ill

with

OTRS

I

am

now

retraining

as

a

therapist

to

work

with

women

with

OTRS

in

the

period

after

leaving

to

help

them

adjust

to

singe

life

and

to

get

well

again

So

my

personal

experience

and

my

training

lean

heavily

towards

supporting

leaving

But

my

father

is

also

Aspergers

and

my

mother

stayed

and

I

think

that

was

the

right

choice

for

her

She

is

very

conservative

doesnt

believe

in

divorce

Teresa

April

at

PM

Is

it

possible

to

save

a

marriage

under

these

circumstances

If

intervention

comes

early

enough

Reply

Rachel

F

July

at

AM

Wonderful

article

SO

well

said

that

is

how

it

was

for

me

for

years

Now

my

husband

is

diagnosed

and

working

very

hard

to

save

our

marriage

I

am

getting

healthy

enough

that

I

can

identify

my

PTSD

momentsweeks

when

theyre

triggered

by

ASDtype

dismissals

or

gaslighting

Whew

Its

been

a

long

haul

but

I

always

knew

in

my

guts

that

i

would

love

twice

if

I

left

And

also

not

heal

my

childhood

ASD

traumas

Soonward

Reply

Rachel

F

July

at

AM

Lose

twice

that

is

Judy

G

February

at

AM

So

grateful

for

this

Its

a

validation

of

my

experience

which

I

could

never

articulate

to

anyone

After

years

with

an

undiagnosed

asp

I

moved

out

of

the

family

home

I

truly

believed

I

was

not

welcome

there

In

spite

of

the

fact

that

he

wanted

me

to

stay

that

was

always

accompanied

by

a

resentment

that

I

was

around

That

was

years

ago

and

I

still

refuse

to

be

involved

in

a

relationshiptoo

much

shame

to

ever

consider

again

Here

was

my

perception

He

was

an

exceptionally

good

man

He

was

also

totally

unimpressed

with

me

and

often

wanted

me

to

leave

him

alone

In

fact

I

came

to

the

conclusion

the

only

real

gift

I

could

give

him

was

to

leave

him

alone

and

I

chose

to

work

late

to

give

him

this

time

without

me

though

it

meant

our

children

also

lost

that

time

with

me

He

drove

one

daughter

to

all

her

soccer

games

but

didnt

want

me

with

him

today

she

blames

me

for

not

attending

her

games

Then

when

that

daughter

made

it

Only

through

beginning

to

understand

the

Asp

mind

can

I

find

any

resolution

Reply

Denise

March

at

PM

The

woman

in

the

article

is

me

also

wo

the

divorce

as

of

yetplease

help

Reply

Mari

April

at

PM

On

the

one

hand

this

is

so

very

well

written

and

detailed

Sad

but

more

true

than

not

I

can

see

some

of

this

in

my

situaion

No

birthday

for

Mom

Mom

matters

last

The

kids

learned

this

That

part

isnt

aspergers

maybe

Mom

hasnt

been

number

one

to

anyone

in

many

many

years

Mom

is

said

to

be

stronger

than

some

but

Mom

is

alone

way

too

much

and

Mom

does

not

have

living

family

anymore

And

Dad

is

an

OK

provider

but

not

like

some

Mom

learned

to

appreciate

things

that

have

nothing

to

do

with

money

To

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

MA

LMHC

April

at

PM

Hi

Teresa

Some

couples

have

success

with

counseling

when

both

partners

are

open

to

learning

about

and

understanding

the

very

real

differences

in

the

ways

they

experience

the

world

I

work

with

many

couples

in

which

one

partner

has

the

traits

or

diagnosis

of

ASD

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

MA

LMHC

April

at

PM

Hello

Mari

It

sounds

as

if

you

might

want

to

consider

codependence

as

a

possibility

for

understanding

the

situation

you

describe

Sometimes

individuals

give

too

much

for

this

reason

Reply

Sara

April

at

PM

How

often

does

someone

with

ASD

actually

want

to

acquire

the

skills

and

attitude

that

are

needed

to

be

in

relationship

I

say

actually

is

because

it

is

a

lot

of

hard

work

to

resolve

relationship

problems

even

for

people

whose

wiring

inclines

them

toward

relationship

I

figure

someone

whose

brain

is

geared

away

from

relationship

would

not

be

interested

Reply

Jill

April

at

AM

I

have

thought

for

some

time

that

this

might

be

whats

going

on

with

me

and

my

partner

of

years

As

I

read

this

article

with

wide

eyes

I

am

even

more

sure

now

Therapy

probably

isnt

an

option

for

soooooo

many

reasons

including

the

cost

We

dont

have

children

but

I

am

stuck

for

other

reasons

I

moved

to

a

completely

different

part

of

the

US

with

him

after

graduating

with

an

MS

from

a

prestigious

university

I

havent

been

able

to

find

a

job

though

probably

due

to

both

age

discrimination

I

am

and

the

Reply

Jill

April

at

AM

PS

About

years

ago

my

partner

reconnected

with

and

had

a

short

affair

with

a

woman

who

had

a

severe

case

of

ASD

He

said

he

was

drawn

to

her

I

thought

it

was

curious

but

didnt

put

two

and

two

together

However

through

the

years

I

have

suspected

over

and

over

my

BA

Is

in

Psych

that

he

might

fall

somewhere

on

the

spectrum

I

feel

like

light

bulbs

are

going

off

I

am

completing

a

second

masters

degree

right

now

a

very

rigorous

fellowship

thats

eating

up

all

my

time

Its

paid

for

with

a

scholarship

but

Reply

Sophia

May

at

AM

For

me

its

been

almost

years

Seems

at

times

like

a

good

marriage

but

I

am

feeling

small

and

unimportant

and

immature

like

the

article

mentions

I

need

friends

but

so

down

on

myself

I

wouldnt

want

to

be

around

me

Almost

left

after

anniversary

went

largely

unnoticed

And

now

is

coming

up

feel

like

its

just

another

non

event

to

him

I

was

raised

by

a

Narcissistic

mother

always

thought

it

was

all

my

fault

Will

look

for

counseling

but

sometimes

feel

its

too

late

at

He

was

my

first

love

very

handsome

loyal

but

Reply

Dory

July

at

PM

For

me

its

been

years

For

our

he

refused

to

do

anything

I

was

rushed

but

not

surprised

Dory

July

at

AM

Sorry

that

was

supposed

to

say

crushed

Adriana

October

at

PM

Hi

Jill

After

reading

your

post

I

realized

my

marriage

is

similar

with

yours

I

looks

like

despite

of

having

a

wide

background

in

psychology

I

feel

weak

in

this

situation

I

feel

stuck

and

a

keep

hoping

that

the

things

are

getting

better

What

should

I

do

Thank

you

PS

I

would

love

to

talk

with

you

if

you

dont

mind

Reply

vett

March

at

PM

I

have

noticed

that

many

of

the

wives

suffering

with

their

husbands

Asperger

disease

are

therapists

counselorspsychologists

themselves

It

seems

the

asperger

man

senses

a

woman

who

has

a

great

capacity

for

empathy

and

an

understanding

of

NT

minds

Such

women

I

believe

are

more

likely

to

blame

themselves

andor

at

least

try

to

figure

out

what

is

wrong

never

thinking

of

anything

other

than

NT

At

the

same

time

being

so

knowledgeable

in

the

workings

of

NT

people

makes

it

even

more

difficult

to

see

the

asperger

husband

for

who

he

truly

is

thus

causing

more

confusion

in

the

Lori

April

at

AM

I

am

wondering

how

someone

could

go

that

far

through

life

and

have

never

had

someone

to

tell

that

that

look

something

is

off

here

and

we

need

to

see

about

getting

you

some

help

I

would

just

hope

that

I

was

far

more

attentive

to

my

child

than

that

although

I

know

that

at

times

things

can

be

very

subtle

so

I

guess

you

just

come

to

accept

and

believe

that

this

is

normal

even

though

the

person

very

much

struggles

with

acceptance

and

fitting

in

Reply

TMG

August

at

PM

Ive

thought

this

so

many

times

It

actually

makes

me

angry

Why

am

I

the

first

person

to

actually

confront

his

behaviors

as

not

acceptable

Too

many

people

just

walk

away

or

look

the

other

way

So

for

me

to

suggest

ASD

sounds

absolutely

ridiculous

to

him

He

thinks

Im

the

only

person

who

thinks

theres

anything

wrong

Reply

Joan

j

June

at

PM

I

would

love

no

I

NEED

to

talk

with

you

ASAP

I

am

drowning

Help

me

understand

this

Thank

you

soooooo

much

Spring

December

at

AM

Yes

I

did

challenge

my

ex

who

had

told

me

he

was

diagnosed

with

autism

spectrum

disorder

I

read

up

on

it

and

told

him

what

I

needed

as

the

books

said

he

ignored

it

A

months

after

we

broke

up

he

came

back

saying

he

liked

the

fact

that

I

would

refuse

to

accept

some

of

his

limitations

and

encouraged

him

to

get

therapy

that

it

made

me

the

woman

he

wanted

to

spend

his

life

with

However

after

that

break

up

I

was

much

more

centered

and

confident

and

he

couldnt

get

away

with

gaslighting

manipulations

false

lisa

August

at

AM

I

have

recently

left

my

asd

partner

after

years

I

felt

resentment

towards

his

dad

who

would

witness

his

treatment

towards

me

and

the

children

and

accept

it

He

of

course

is

on

the

spectrum

too

He

did

once

say

then

denied

saying

that

they

always

knew

he

was

different

Mental

health

issues

have

been

ignored

for

so

many

years

The

symptoms

are

very

subtle

My

son

is

and

I

am

convinced

he

is

affected

too

but

not

one

professional

will

agree

Reply

Diane

M

August

at

AM

Hi

Lisa

as

a

mom

if

you

are

concerned

about

your

son

you

are

probably

correct

When

my

son

started

school

the

teachers

said

he

might

have

ADHD

That

was

years

ago

My

husband

is

an

undiagnosed

AS

and

I

believe

my

son

is

also

My

son

is

now

and

is

still

a

big

challenge

Go

with

your

gut

I

wish

I

had

when

my

son

was

young

instead

I

let

my

ASH

convince

me

there

was

nothing

wrong

I

am

dealing

with

two

Aspies

father

and

son

it

can

be

hell

on

earth

at

times

I

believe

Wife

January

at

PM

That

is

a

great

question

Lori

Do

you

know

how

many

times

you

can

reach

out

to

people

for

help

and

get

ignored

A

million

Look

something

is

off

here

and

we

need

to

see

about

getting

you

some

help

Except

that

there

is

very

little

help

available

for

adults

married

in

a

neurodiverse

one

ASD

and

one

NT

relationship

No

one

will

listen

This

is

called

Cassandra

Syndrome

or

Ongoing

Relationship

Trauma

Syndrome

ORTS

because

the

neurotypical

person

suffers

living

in

a

relationship

with

someone

who

has

serious

limits

in

their

ability

to

have

a

reciprocal

relationship

People

outside

Reply

Diane

January

at

AM

You

have

expressed

it

very

well

No

one

outside

of

the

marriage

can

begin

to

understand

the

abuse

that

a

NT

suffers

I

have

been

married

years

to

an

AS

just

diagnosed

last

year

I

knew

something

was

off

from

the

get

go

but

in

it

got

so

bad

I

had

to

research

what

was

going

on

Its

the

daily

devaluing

of

us

as

a

spouse

the

criticism

the

neglect

not

being

heard

understood

the

constant

circular

arguments

It

starts

subtly

and

increases

over

time

to

where

I

just

stopped

all

communication

I

realized

I

was

not

dealing

emily

June

at

PM

I

could

not

have

said

it

better

And

the

mother

in

law

statement

is

spot

on

She

is

the

one

who

I

think

also

has

an

ASD

Two

peas

in

a

pod

My

husband

takes

up

for

her

and

you

can

not

have

a

discussion

about

your

relationship

He

turns

everything

around

on

me

and

acts

like

I

am

attacking

him

He

turns

every

statement

I

make

about

him

around

back

on

me

somehow

Very

odd

I

have

never

seen

anyone

so

completely

unable

to

see

their

own

faults

and

quirks

It

is

exhausting

as

mine

is

very

financially

controlling

Heather

P

July

at

PM

I

could

have

written

what

you

said

myself

Very

similar

situation

Im

exhausted

with

it

all

and

just

want

to

get

to

the

point

where

our

youngest

two

children

are

fully

grown

and

then

will

evaluate

what

and

where

I

want

to

be

then

Dory

July

at

PM

Diane

I

read

your

response

and

cried

You

described

my

relationship

as

if

you

knew

me

Thank

you

for

explaining

it

Terri

July

at

PM

One

week

ago

today

I

ran

into

this

article

on

Aspergers

all

because

someone

told

me

that

my

ex

husband

told

them

that

he

had

been

diagnosed

with

Aspergers

as

a

child

I

was

married

to

him

for

years

and

never

imagined

what

would

become

of

our

life

together

I

loved

this

man

very

much

and

thought

I

would

be

with

him

until

the

end

of

time

but

I

could

not

take

it

anymore

and

after

my

daughter

went

to

college

I

decided

it

was

time

to

make

a

change

I

didnt

want

to

come

home

from

work

I

When

I

came

across

this

article

I

could

not

believe

what

I

was

reading

my

story

is

in

these

writings

I

too

could

have

written

it

but

I

didnt

understand

what

was

going

on

I

was

going

crazy

I

have

now

been

divorced

for

years

and

continue

to

replay

so

many

things

in

my

head

trying

to

understand

I

too

cried

when

I

read

Dianes

explanation

Today

I

am

trying

to

recreate

my

life

and

define

who

I

am

it

has

been

an

awful

struggle

but

every

day

gets

better

and

now

I

have

an

understanding

All

week

I

Amy

October

at

AM

Wife

thank

you

So

well

put

Emily

Im

also

dealing

with

severe

financial

abuse

and

we

have

children

of

our

own

plus

my

teenagers

He

doesnt

understand

why

I

complain

that

he

only

gives

us

dollars

a

week

for

groceries

He

has

piles

of

money

but

refuses

me

to

have

access

to

his

bank

account

Im

getting

close

to

a

point

where

I

can

afford

to

kick

him

out

or

leave

People

have

no

idea

how

abusive

it

can

be

being

married

to

someone

on

the

spectrum

Johanna

February

at

AM

Wife

my

story

is

exactly

like

yours

exept

we

have

been

married

for

years

I

have

been

working

as

a

psychologist

for

years

and

it

was

just

a

month

ago

that

I

realised

my

husband

has

Asbergers

How

very

enlighting

and

how

stupid

I

feel

not

noticing

earlier

Whole

marriage

has

been

such

a

struggle

and

I

have

continuously

thought

I

must

be

crazy

feeling

like

this

This

article

was

very

good

I

see

similarity

to

our

situation

my

husband

when

not

knowing

he

has

Asd

has

even

said

that

our

children

will

hate

their

mother

later

I

vett

March

at

PM

Wife

You

are

right

on

target

BULLS

EYE

with

a

whole

lot

left

out

Who

though

of

any

AS

wife

could

ever

tell

the

whole

story

Nobody

would

believe

all

of

that

happened

and

that

you

are

still

there

What

is

it

that

the

ASH

knows

how

to

break

a

person

I

do

not

go

along

with

the

current

trendy

group

of

wives

who

say

they

believe

their

ASH

is

completely

innocent

of

any

wrong

doing

The

ASH

proves

that

he

knows

exactly

what

he

is

doing

when

he

courts

the

NT

showing

kindness

and

empathy

and

everything

he

knows

Amy

April

at

AM

Excellent

article

An

accurate

representation

of

NTAS

relationships

What

becomes

more

toxic

is

when

the

family

of

those

with

AS

did

not

teach

appropriate

coping

skills

and

basically

abused

the

person

with

AS

Even

when

diagnosed

early

I

know

many

women

in

ASNT

relationships

who

have

at

least

one

parent

of

their

spouse

obviously

has

AS

and

just

couldnt

handle

the

meltdowns

Now

the

New

family

has

an

AS

father

with

a

written

formula

of

when

you

are

overwhelmed

you

punish

So

then

comes

the

choice

for

those

with

little

kids

do

you

leave

to

show

the

kids

a

healthy

Reply

Kathy

Marshack

Ph

D

August

at

AM

Thank

you

for

your

insightful

article

I

have

written

two

books

on

the

subject

of

partnering

with

an

ASD

mate

but

in

just

a

few

pages

you

have

captured

the

essence

of

this

life

In

particular

the

subtlety

of

the

disrespect

is

important

I

have

lived

all

of

my

life

with

Aspies

so

my

spirit

was

crushed

when

I

was

a

child

It

is

not

surprising

that

I

married

an

Aspie

and

even

adopted

an

Aspie

child

Trying

to

free

myself

from

this

disrespect

was

futile

until

I

understood

who

I

was

dealing

with

I

needed

to

leave

the

burning

Reply

Sarah

August

at

PM

Thank

you

Kathy

Your

story

is

painful

like

the

stories

of

all

the

women

who

have

taken

the

time

to

write

here

in

this

thread

and

those

of

the

women

we

work

with

in

our

psychotherapy

practices

I

believe

that

the

diamond

in

the

rough

of

such

pain

is

that

our

personal

experiences

inform

our

work

and

help

us

support

our

clients

with

humility

and

depth

I

just

bought

your

book

and

look

forward

to

reading

it

Best

wishes

to

you

Joanna

February

at

PM

Thank

you

Sarah

for

this

well

written

article

which

so

articulately

describes

so

many

of

our

experiences

and

Kathy

for

your

website

and

books

which

I

have

read

over

the

past

few

years

I

do

believe

that

for

many

NT

male

as

well

as

females

with

AS

partners

there

can

be

ways

to

stay

in

those

relationships

with

degrees

of

success

but

only

once

AS

being

in

the

mix

is

recognised

and

acknowledged

by

both

partners

I

set

up

Different

Together

three

years

ago

purely

to

help

NT

partners

learn

understand

and

support

one

another

in

their

relationships

including

those

that

choose

to

leave

Thank

you

again

for

the

article

I

hope

its

ok

to

add

a

link

to

it

on

the

Different

Together

site

Sarah

March

at

AM

Hi

Vett

I

do

not

think

in

the

courtship

phase

any

AS

person

understands

or

intends

to

be

a

cunning

entrapper

with

a

view

to

cruelty

once

the

woman

is

snared

The

central

issue

is

that

they

can

experience

empathy

but

it

is

cognitive

empathy

they

know

empathy

is

required

in

certain

situations

but

not

affective

empathy

real

fellow

feeling

So

they

can

be

nice

or

kind

whilst

courting

genuinely

but

they

dont

understand

how

to

implement

these

things

on

an

ongoing

emotionally

intense

basis

I

have

found

that

after

divorce

the

AS

person

properly

guided

and

with

very

clear

boundaries

can

Reply

Sarah

March

at

AM

PS

I

dont

know

why

I

am

showing

up

as

Sarah

Swenson

Im

not

I

am

another

Sarah

vett

March

at

PM

Hello

Sarah

Sarah

March

at

AM

Sadly

my

ex

does

not

have

any

contact

with

me

he

doesnt

even

communicate

with

me

about

family

matters

Nothing

Its

as

though

I

have

been

totally

wiped

out

dont

exist

which

I

find

sad

as

Id

love

the

friendship

that

you

have

Sarah

I

never

wanted

him

totally

out

of

my

life

after

years

together

but

that

is

what

he

has

chosen

It

seems

to

me

that

there

is

a

wealth

of

material

on

this

very

long

list

of

comments

the

article

has

become

a

selfhelp

site

in

its

own

right

with

its

combination

of

lived

experience

often

heartrending

and

comment

based

on

scholarly

study

like

yours

It

would

be

good

if

somehow

it

could

be

collated

under

subject

headings

and

turned

into

some

sort

of

resource

but

I

suppose

that

would

require

the

consent

of

all

the

contributors

and

that

would

not

be

possible

Its

all

worth

trawling

through

though

for

us

Cassandras

who

wondered

what

happened

to

wreck

our

lifes

Im

sometimes

accused

of

living

in

the

past

but

is

there

a

particular

need

among

us

to

have

explanations

rather

than

just

to

do

the

futureoriented

work

which

is

necessary

of

course

when

I

am

tired

and

weepy

which

I

do

regularly

even

years

after

the

split

I

find

I

get

some

kind

of

comfort

from

reading

these

conversations

Cheryl

April

at

PM

Yep

what

a

mess

That

is

what

it

is

I

gave

up

on

trying

to

find

help

My

panel

is

not

working

for

me

I

certainly

do

not

want

to

give

up

but

time

needs

to

be

spent

elsewhere

I

have

kids

at

home

who

need

me

Reply

Candice

April

at

PM

Why

is

the

mother

to

blame

if

she

is

only

searching

for

a

way

to

make

her

life

more

enjoyable

and

liveable

Reply

Amy

April

at

PM

Because

she

did

what

she

thought

she

should

do

filter

and

redirect

the

fathers

behavior

towards

the

children

Sometimes

she

does

such

a

good

job

at

this

that

the

children

see

mostly

what

the

mother

wanted

them

to

see

a

bit

of

normalcy

The

problem

comes

when

the

wife

cant

take

it

anymore

that

shielding

the

children

from

the

truth

comes

back

to

bite

her

in

that

they

didnt

see

the

father

as

that

bad

of

a

guy

This

gets

amplified

when

the

mother

says

things

like

oh

its

okay

I

dont

really

like

to

celebrate

my

birthday

anyway

Reply

Maxine

April

at

AM

I

wonder

what

the

correlation

is

to

these

same

relationship

issues

and

a

husband

being

raised

by

covert

and

overt

narcissistic

parents

I

have

experienced

so

many

of

these

same

types

of

scenarios

My

husband

is

so

aloof

at

at

home

Hell

be

in

the

room

but

not

present

in

the

moment

He

also

worked

so

much

when

the

children

were

young

and

resented

they

looked

to

me

so

much

for

care

nurturing

and

love

He

often

remarks

that

they

dont

respect

him

and

has

blamed

me

many

times

His

inability

to

overcome

his

past

abusive

parents

does

impact

his

Reply

claire

April

at

AM

must

be

a

difficult

position

to

find

oneself

in

Reply

Marissa

April

at

PM

from

experience

I

can

say

that

you

spend

so

much

of

your

time

ensuring

there

are

no

blips

for

the

other

person

that

you

start

forgetting

to

take

care

of

you

Reply

Ashley

April

at

AM

Because

their

blips

become

your

blips

Reply

Cheryl

April

at

PM

The

blame

is

always

there

I

hated

it

for

years

Sometimes

I

notice

it

lessThe

other

thing

that

is

horrendous

is

the

he

knows

it

all

thing

He

is

right

and

does

not

let

the

family

be

right

It

is

a

sickness

to

think

you

are

always

right

The

said

part

is

that

so

many

times

ihe

is

close

to

ignorant

Very

very

close

minded

I

can

be

very

open

minded

But

I

became

too

much

of

a

people

pleaser

who

gets

walked

on

Reply

Vickie

April

at

PM

I

dont

know

if

my

husband

has

Asperger

but

we

have

very

little

communication

he

is

all

he

wants

to

do

is

be

on

the

Internet

and

read

till

or

later

in

the

morning

and

doesnt

get

up

till

a

or

later

His

side

of

the

bed

is

so

piled

up

with

books

magazines

newspapers

he

doesnt

want

to

throw

anything

away

The

note

stand

is

full

of

cards

he

gets

from

every

restaurant

drs

office

etc

and

cups

you

get

your

drinks

at

stores

from

He

has

over

a

thousand

packages

of

pens

that

have

never

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

April

at

PM

Dear

Vickie

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

is

not

qualified

to

offer

professional

advice

but

we

do

encourage

you

to

reach

out

If

you

would

like

to

talk

about

this

or

any

other

concern

with

a

mental

health

professional

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpswwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

a

list

of

therapists

and

counselors

who

meet

your

criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

to

view

our

members

full

profiles

and

contact

the

therapists

themselves

for

more

information

You

are

also

welcome

to

call

us

for

assistance

finding

a

therapist

We

are

in

the

office

Monday

through

Friday

from

am

to

pm

Pacific

Time

our

phone

number

is

ext

Kind

regards

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

Reply

Paula

September

at

PM

My

husband

and

I

have

been

married

for

years

He

is

non

affectionate

unless

I

remind

him

hoards

things

on

his

dressercabinet

his

dad

had

about

boxes

of

pennies

in

his

closet

he

doesnt

make

sense

when

he

interacts

with

peoplea

constant

know

it

allI

think

he

is

just

really

unsure

about

what

to

say

other

than

facts

that

he

knows

constantly

talks

about

foodmenus

and

comparingcontrasting

ingredients

is

not

interested

in

sex

unless

reminded

and

seems

ingenuine

in

general

The

craziest

thing

is

if

I

bring

any

issues

up

he

goes

to

bed

that

night

wrapped

Reply

Leigh

April

at

AM

But

any

of

these

are

things

that

could

potentially

happen

in

any

marriage

Reply

August

at

PM

Leigh

no

sorry

The

way

things

work

in

an

ASNT

marriage

is

substantially

different

to

how

a

NTNT

relationship

works

There

is

no

space

to

explain

here

there

are

now

many

books

on

this

topic

The

AS

partner

literally

can

not

see

the

other

persons

viewpoint

at

all

can

not

read

subtle

emotions

can

not

read

non

verbal

communication

can

not

resolve

conflicts

but

instead

seeks

distance

in

order

to

maintain

the

status

quo

and

the

emotional

distance

they

need

Its

very

isolating

and

invisible

to

outsiders

AS

men

are

very

rule

bound

very

literal

and

follow

scripts

for

social

Reply

Diane

M

August

at

AM

Sue

you

have

said

it

in

a

way

that

I

have

tried

to

express

but

couldnt

do

it

in

such

a

very

clear

manner

It

is

exactly

the

way

it

is

Thank

you

Sarah

August

at

AM

Hello

Sue

your

reply

is

very

well

expressed

I

agree

that

this

relationship

can

benefit

tremendously

from

the

help

of

a

therapist

who

understands

both

sides

of

the

relationship

It

is

imperative

that

the

emotional

life

of

the

neurotypical

spouse

be

honored

and

validated

It

is

precisely

a

matter

of

emotional

abuse

without

intent

to

abuse

This

is

a

key

point

to

understand

However

the

effects

of

this

behavior

as

you

clearly

understand

are

real

and

the

consequences

to

the

NT

spouse

are

real

in

terms

of

selfrespect

and

mental

health

Best

regards

to

you

Anna

September

at

PM

It

became

apparent

at

the

early

days

of

my

new

relationship

with

a

man

months

he

probably

has

Aspergers

At

first

it

was

like

a

fairy

tale

romance

I

had

been

single

for

over

years

He

seemed

so

decent

and

gentle

and

attentive

however

I

was

still

aware

my

intuition

was

on

edge

He

recently

has

been

off

hand

with

me

and

displayed

many

of

the

behaviours

mentioned

by

others

here

We

are

in

our

early

fifties

He

was

married

years

now

divorced

years

but

he

has

had

couple

of

relationships

before

we

became

friends

Do

Diane

April

at

PM

This

is

a

very

accurate

assessment

of

the

whole

situation

I

have

lived

this

for

years

Sandy

June

at

AM

Dear

Sue

I

read

your

comments

with

interest

and

I

was

so

relieved

that

I

wasnt

imagining

the

life

I

know

I

was

living

how

powerful

are

AS

I

hope

you

get

his

message

as

it

is

only

this

week

that

the

penny

dropped

after

another

outburst

of

anger

and

then

sending

me

to

Coventry

so

to

speak

this

time

only

lasting

days

it

has

been

known

to

last

months

Fortunately

and

unbelievably

he

sat

and

listened

to

me

I

am

at

my

lowest

I

felt

I

could

not

do

this

anymore

I

realised

I

was

going

down

Paula

September

at

PM

Mechanical

sex

hits

the

nail

right

on

the

head

HanLin

September

at

PM

One

example

I

could

think

of

is

eating

out

with

friends

A

person

with

autism

doesnt

feel

more

connected

or

closer

to

his

friends

or

colleagues

even

though

theyve

eaten

out

together

many

times

Family

members

might

think

the

autistic

person

just

made

friends

That

might

be

true

for

a

nonautistic

person

Maybe

we

should

focus

more

on

the

quality

rather

than

the

quantity

of

the

outings

This

example

is

just

friends

but

I

guess

its

possible

that

an

ASDNT

couple

can

spend

time

together

and

wont

increase

connection

for

both

people

I

feel

that

removing

the

NT

mask

might

Lisa

H

January

at

AM

I

cant

believe

how

accurate

your

description

is

here

Sue

thank

you

for

that

I

have

been

with

my

AS

for

years

he

was

diagnosed

about

years

ago

but

refuses

to

accept

the

diagnosis

We

have

a

year

old

and

a

year

old

and

I

do

worry

about

the

impact

of

our

challenging

relationship

on

our

children

I

talk

to

the

year

old

about

his

father

a

fair

bit

and

he

knows

his

father

is

different

With

our

year

old

I

try

to

surround

her

with

lots

of

love

and

regularly

talk

to

her

Lenore

March

at

PM

Mechanical

sex

would

have

been

an

improvement

over

what

we

had

After

the

honeymoon

my

husband

started

telling

me

to

go

to

another

part

of

the

house

and

dont

talk

to

him

Then

when

bedtime

came

around

he

would

get

in

bed

but

not

before

a

lecture

about

how

I

needed

to

stay

on

my

side

of

the

bed

and

not

touch

him

Then

he

would

scoot

as

close

to

the

edge

of

his

side

as

far

as

he

could

and

put

his

back

to

me

I

was

not

allowed

to

touch

him

or

want

to

be

intimate

Before

our

Tina

May

at

PM

This

is

my

life

story

years

with

husband

I

guess

I

always

knew

something

wasnt

right

just

couldnt

put

my

finger

on

itthis

was

a

challenge

to

live

with

But

found

out

years

ago

he

has

aspergers

Then

a

switch

went

off

he

is

completely

different

I

have

no

family

no

friends

he

bought

house

in

the

middle

of

the

woods

years

ago

so

cant

move

I

need

someone

to

talk

to

so

bad

No

therapist

in

area

understands

what

I

am

going

through

The

loneliness

is

killing

me

Almost

years

of

isolation

I

have

tried

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

June

at

PM

Hello

Tina

I

understand

your

loneliness

and

frustration

Your

location

is

not

necessarily

a

barrier

to

getting

help

though

In

my

case

for

besides

practicing

as

a

licensed

psychotherapist

in

my

state

of

Washington

for

example

I

developed

an

international

coaching

practice

to

work

with

individuals

who

live

elsewhere

We

work

online

with

video

sessions

and

also

on

the

telephone

and

via

email

There

are

others

like

me

who

offer

these

services

and

I

am

confident

that

you

could

find

someone

with

whom

you

would

like

to

work

You

dont

have

to

go

through

this

alone

I

send

you

my

Reply

Holly

April

at

AM

would

love

to

talk

Reply

Amy

May

at

PM

Tina

there

is

an

awesome

support

group

on

meetupcom

I

know

that

it

is

still

online

but

it

is

something

It

is

called

Asperger

Syndrome

Partners

Family

of

Adults

with

ASD

It

is

run

by

Kathy

Marshack

an

amazing

resource

on

NTAS

marriages

She

actually

hosts

video

conferences

some

for

free

some

for

low

cost

I

believe

she

will

also

meet

via

Skype

for

kind

of

a

therapy

session

Consider

thinking

about

a

few

things

you

used

to

like

to

do

before

you

were

isolated

and

pursue

on

of

the

things

that

involves

meeting

people

somewhere

near

you

Even

if

Reply

Diane

M

June

at

PM

You

might

have

been

writing

about

my

marriage

from

beginning

to

the

end

I

have

been

married

to

an

undiagnosed

Aperger

for

long

years

I

decided

in

October

I

had

had

enough

abuse

not

only

by

my

husband

but

alsomy

sons

THIS

IS

MY

STORY

Reply

Diane

M

June

at

AM

How

do

you

begin

to

get

help

when

the

partner

with

AS

sees

absolutely

nothing

wrong

with

his

behavior

How

do

I

communicate

with

someone

who

only

wants

to

be

right

can

not

take

criticism

but

can

only

communicate

by

dishing

it

out

sees

everything

in

only

black

and

white

Its

autism

he

is

wired

that

way

Is

there

something

that

will

change

that

thinking

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

June

at

PM

Hello

Diane

I

hear

this

question

and

I

sense

the

inherent

frustration

frequently

from

women

who

seek

counseling

in

my

office

Generally

my

goal

is

to

help

my

clients

understand

that

they

can

learn

a

great

deal

about

autism

and

about

ways

to

consider

interpersonal

communication

in

light

of

ASD

that

might

have

an

effect

on

conversational

outcomes

I

encourage

them

to

discuss

this

with

their

husbands

and

if

it

seems

appropriate

or

likely

to

be

helpful

to

then

suggest

that

they

come

in

for

some

sessions

as

a

couple

My

role

then

is

akin

to

that

of

a

translator

Reply

Diane

M

August

at

AM

Sarah

you

must

not

be

married

to

an

autistic

man

You

CAN

NOT

have

a

meaningful

discussion

about

anything

personal

IMPOSSIBLE

They

take

everything

as

a

criticism

as

a

personal

attack

The

only

people

who

will

understand

what

I

am

talking

about

is

a

women

married

to

ASPERGER

Trust

me

we

have

tried

every

which

way

to

connect

will

not

happen

We

can

only

either

leave

or

accept

that

we

live

with

little

boys

not

a

real

man

August

at

PM

Many

of

us

didnt

know

about

AS

until

after

we

were

married

AS

wasnt

in

the

textbooks

until

years

after

my

wedding

I

believe

that

if

I

had

been

forewarned

I

would

not

have

gone

ahead

This

article

is

absolutely

accurate

and

is

my

life

story

up

to

a

point

I

am

still

in

the

marriage

and

have

only

survived

this

far

because

I

have

had

access

to

an

AS

partners

support

group

for

over

ten

years

I

really

fear

the

loneliness

ahead

when

my

children

leave

home

and

it

will

be

even

worse

when

my

ASH

retires

I

Reply

Diane

M

August

at

AM

Thank

you

Sue

for

your

honesty

only

those

men

or

women

married

to

autism

will

ever

understand

the

depth

of

pain

inflicted

over

years

decades

It

is

subtle

like

a

slow

drip

of

daily

sucking

the

life

out

of

us

It

took

me

years

to

figure

out

I

was

living

with

autism

I

always

knew

there

was

something

but

what

as

it

Now

for

almost

three

years

I

have

had

to

come

to

terms

that

this

man

never

loved

me

not

in

a

way

I

thought

I

married

for

Not

in

a

meaningful

caring

sharing

way

Autism

is

extremely

Reply

Sarah

August

at

AM

Hello

Diane

It

is

not

my

place

here

to

discuss

my

personal

experiences

in

my

private

life

as

you

can

imagine

I

will

have

to

ask

you

to

trust

that

I

understand

your

frustration

more

than

you

might

be

able

to

imagine

I

deeply

understand

the

relationship

between

a

person

on

the

autism

spectrum

and

a

neurotypical

person

I

also

know

and

I

tell

my

clients

that

it

is

not

possible

to

change

a

person

on

the

spectrum

Instead

I

advocate

for

education

This

is

always

the

goal

in

sessions

with

my

couple

clients

Such

education

about

what

it

is

Becky

August

at

AM

After

many

years

of

losing

myself

I

had

to

put

my

foot

down

and

just

let

him

have

his

fit

He

had

some

awareness

that

he

was

sucking

me

dry

so

at

least

there

was

that

I

told

him

that

of

this

was

up

for

debate

I

had

a

right

to

my

interests

and

pursuits

Sometimes

these

will

make

you

feel

badly

but

that

doesnt

make

them

bad

and

they

will

continue

I

am

not

an

extension

of

you

I

am

my

own

person

and

from

this

point

on

will

be

my

own

person

It

took

about

two

years

of

struggle

and

repeating

this

for

him

to

adapt

Thats

OK

I

had

nothing

to

lose

and

everything

to

gain

We

engage

is

a

sort

of

toddler

like

side

by

side

play

now

He

does

his

thing

I

do

mine

He

has

learned

that

life

is

nicer

when

we

can

both

talk

about

the

things

we

enjoy

Right

now

Im

enjoying

a

very

engaging

hobby

There

is

a

contest

for

my

hobby

coming

up

so

Im

putting

a

lot

of

time

in

To

help

me

my

husband

has

been

fixing

the

meals

for

the

last

couple

months

This

isnt

entirely

altruistiche

has

a

food

special

interesthowever

its

appreciated

It

used

to

be

hed

sulk

if

I

didnt

fix

a

meal

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

August

at

PM

Hello

Becky

it

sounds

as

if

you

and

your

husband

are

well

on

your

way

toward

discovering

a

workable

plan

for

staying

together

In

the

future

if

you

hit

bumps

it

might

be

worthy

of

consideration

to

enlist

the

help

of

a

therapist

who

truly

understands

the

ASNT

relationship

in

a

way

that

comforts

and

supports

you

both

Best

regards

to

you

Becky

August

at

PM

Thanks

Sarah

It

was

because

of

therapy

that

he

was

diagnosed

in

his

mid

I

told

him

to

go

or

else

Like

I

said

he

had

some

awareness

that

he

was

sucking

me

dry

and

he

agreed

that

he

had

issues

to

work

through

When

he

was

diagnosed

it

was

such

an

eye

opener

a

relief

in

many

ways

At

that

point

he

was

open

to

change

but

change

comes

slow

with

Aspergers

Through

therapy

boundaries

on

my

part

and

a

low

dose

anti

anxiety

medication

we

arent

doing

too

badly

His

last

meltdown

was

over

his

health

I

mentioned

he

has

a

food

special

interest

That

has

caused

obesity

high

blood

pressure

and

prediabetic

symptoms

I

told

him

he

was

a

walking

heart

attack

and

now

it

was

time

to

lose

weight

This

was

a

three

day

bender

for

him

but

he

processed

and

agreed

he

was

unhealthy

I

taught

him

how

to

use

a

weight

loss

app

where

you

count

calories

Once

he

learned

that

he

could

eat

what

he

liked

not

just

rabbit

food

as

long

as

he

budgeted

it

in

hes

done

very

well

Hes

lost

nearly

Linda

August

at

PM

This

article

so

describes

my

life

in

solo

therapy

because

I

thought

I

was

going

mad

the

stress

is

overwhelming

and

Ive

decided

not

to

talk

about

it

anymore

because

if

you

dont

walk

in

my

shoes

you

dont

understand

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

August

at

PM

Hello

Linda

many

women

in

your

position

decide

finally

not

to

discuss

the

issues

in

their

marriages

with

partners

on

the

spectrum

because

as

you

describe

it

is

extremely

difficult

for

others

to

understand

if

they

are

not

familiar

with

the

particular

dynamics

in

the

ASNT

partnership

However

you

might

find

it

helpful

to

work

with

a

professional

counselor

who

specializes

in

this

area

It

is

asking

a

lot

of

yourself

to

hold

this

bottled

up

within

you

Best

wishes

to

you

Reply

Jennifer

F

August

at

PM

Linda

I

know

how

you

feelso

hard

when

you

cant

talk

to

someoneunless

they

are

in

the

same

situationI

live

in

Australiaand

I

joined

a

support

groupWOWso

manyof

us

Reply

Molly

December

at

AM

Hi

what

support

group

is

that

I

need

some

help

finding

someone

who

understands

and

doesnt

just

diagnose

me

with

postnatal

depression

Diane

M

August

at

AM

I

hear

you

Linda

and

so

does

every

other

man

and

women

married

to

a

partner

on

the

spectrum

You

can

not

talk

to

your

partner

about

it

he

or

she

are

a

GREAT

part

of

the

problem

You

will

only

harm

yourself

more

and

become

psychologically

hurt

We

call

that

circular

arguments

that

go

NOWHERE

he

cant

hear

you

or

see

you

It

mind

blindness

But

there

are

other

forums

that

totally

GET

you

I

sure

do

Seek

help

from

outside

your

relationship

The

best

to

you

Reply

Jennifer

E

August

at

PM

For

years

I

felt

as

though

it

was

all

my

faultnot

good

enough

not

smart

enoughhad

a

mastectomychemodont

look

good

enoughI

always

cooked

cleanedtook

him

on

with

HIS

girlsand

I

had

kids

of

my

ownHE

SAW

what

a

great

mumcookhousekeeper

I

wasbut

then

would

slam

ridicule

me

for

being

so

HAD

to

see

a

Psychologistwho

has

told

meTHIS

IS

NOT

MY

FAULTbutthat

little

demon

pops

up

every

so

oftenmakes

you

feel

so

unworthwhileI

cant

afford

to

go

elsewhereand

this

is

my

homeI

travel

aloneinterstatebutwhen

HIS

family

aroundall

MR

NICE

GUYspew

I

told

my

inlaws

about

himthey

have

to

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

August

at

PM

Jennifer

youre

no

doubt

right

when

you

say

It

isnt

my

fault

I

hope

you

can

find

a

trusted

counselor

who

understands

your

situation

to

offer

you

support

and

guidance

Best

wishes

to

you

Reply

Rose

August

at

AM

Wow

it

felt

like

someone

watched

a

movie

if

my

life

there

Its

terrible

After

decades

of

marriage

and

a

caring

for

a

child

with

life

threatening

illness

I

find

that

AS

husband

has

been

involved

in

disgusting

sexual

activities

with

prostitutes

and

in

groups

Of

course

he

is

gone

but

I

cant

understand

that

behaviour

in

anyone

AS

or

not

Its

almost

like

a

psychopath

Surely

that

behaviour

isnt

attributed

to

AS

What

I

couldnt

understand

is

why

AS

is

a

licence

to

be

a

pig

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

August

at

PM

Unfortunately

this

is

not

the

first

time

I

have

heard

of

this

kind

of

sexual

behavior

from

a

husband

on

the

spectrum

Oftentimes

it

doesnt

mean

to

him

what

it

means

to

the

neurotypical

spouse

Nontheless

it

is

experienced

rightfully

as

a

devastating

betrayal

I

hope

you

can

find

good

counseling

support

I

wish

you

well

Reply

Rose

April

at

AM

Sarah

a

year

after

separation

I

am

still

angry

because

nothing

is

resolved

There

has

been

no

contact

whatsoever

and

there

is

at

last

relief

and

peace

in

my

home

but

what

I

want

to

know

is

WHY

AS

can

just

get

away

with

their

behaviours

and

actions

There

never

seems

to

be

any

consequence

for

the

hurt

they

cause

intentional

or

notsurely

otherwise

intelligent

people

can

not

be

allowed

to

behave

this

way

The

little

counselling

we

did

have

was

so

softly

softly

on

the

AS

partner

it

was

almost

validating

the

behaviour

I

dont

get

it

Marion

May

at

PM

Yes

devastating

betrayal

when

I

was

so

very

trusting

but

he

was

eyed

by

other

women

and

couldnt

say

no

or

Im

married

then

married

my

friend

she

married

him

Jen

August

at

AM

This

articles

does

describe

me

My

kids

are

and

and

have

each

pulled

me

aside

and

told

me

that

their

father

treats

me

poorly

With

those

declarations

I

feel

I

have

more

confidence

to

leave

with

support

and

a

different

outcome

to

your

article

Its

a

chance

I

have

to

take

They

see

their

fathers

lack

of

involvement

They

see

how

he

stonewalls

when

things

dont

go

his

way

They

see

their

father

for

who

he

is

Am

I

lucky

I

dont

know

But

what

else

can

I

do

than

hope

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

August

at

PM

Jen

you

are

fortunate

You

might

consider

finding

a

skilled

therapist

for

you

and

your

children

to

work

with

on

this

You

could

also

consider

bringing

him

with

you

to

family

sessions

if

he

is

willing

to

pursue

this

Oftentimes

the

partner

on

the

spectrum

is

not

willing

You

know

your

husband

best

and

you

know

what

he

is

likely

to

think

of

such

a

suggestion

If

he

is

unwilling

and

you

and

the

children

pursue

counseling

together

it

would

be

important

that

there

is

no

sense

of

ganging

up

on

Dad

perceived

by

your

husband

Best

regards

to

you

Reply

Marion

May

at

PM

Great

comment

At

breakup

its

too

easy

to

delay

this

sort

of

therapy

so

much

else

to

do

and

consider

and

then

the

children

can

feel

neglected

Mine

also

saw

dads

ways

but

were

later

persuaded

to

his

thinking

Diane

April

at

AM

Hi

Jen

I

have

found

that

therapy

with

an

AS

present

is

no

good

at

all

In

my

case

it

only

served

for

my

AS

partner

to

find

out

more

about

me

he

used

it

against

me

time

and

time

again

Therapy

has

never

helped

him

one

iota

in

an

AS

mind

its

always

your

fault

he

has

zero

ability

to

see

his

behavior

and

the

hurt

and

pain

he

causes

Therapy

for

you

and

your

children

could

be

beneficial

in

helping

them

see

their

fathers

as

having

a

serious

disability

I

feel

sad

for

your

children

but

they

seem

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

December

at

PM

Diane

in

order

for

couple

counseling

to

be

successful

when

one

partner

has

autism

the

therapist

must

understand

both

the

autistic

and

the

neurotypical

experience

she

must

be

skilled

in

holding

each

partner

responsible

while

stopping

blame

and

criticism

and

she

must

be

skilled

in

offering

substantive

new

patterns

of

communication

for

both

partners

to

practice

There

is

also

a

significant

amount

of

psychoeducation

involved

This

is

not

the

domain

of

all

therapists

because

it

is

so

specialized

In

fact

there

are

not

many

therapists

who

work

in

this

area

at

all

which

is

why

so

many

couples

like

you

Carol

G

August

at

PM

Thank

you

for

such

a

fabulous

article

Sarah

and

Good

Therapy

I

write

about

the

ASNT

relationship

too

having

been

in

one

myself

I

run

ASPIA

in

Sydney

Australia

a

support

group

for

partners

of

adults

on

the

spectrum

I

will

be

glad

to

pass

your

article

on

through

our

group

etc

It

was

actually

shared

in

a

facebook

group

by

one

of

our

members

It

will

be

of

course

extremely

validating

for

partners

but

also

particularly

helpful

for

those

who

are

still

trying

to

explain

to

their

therapist

or

others

whats

going

on

for

them

I

often

say

it

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

August

at

AM

Thank

you

Carol

We

are

so

glad

you

enjoyed

it

Wishing

you

the

best

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

Reply

Carol

April

at

PM

Yes

but

I

need

a

divorce

have

a

meditation

lawyer

who

will

not

grasp

it

years

of

marriage

and

business

partner

as

well

Sarah

August

at

PM

Thank

you

Carol

Im

happy

if

my

words

soothe

a

troubled

soul

in

any

way

and

I

am

grateful

to

you

for

passing

along

my

article

in

Australia

Thank

you

also

for

taking

the

time

to

write

a

note

here

Best

wishes

to

you

in

your

work

as

well

Reply

Rachel

January

at

PM

Carol

Its

been

awhile

since

your

comment

Did

you

go

through

with

the

divorce

What

was

your

experience

with

the

mediation

style

divorce

Im

thinking

because

it

is

so

very

difficult

to

get

people

to

understand

what

it

is

like

to

live

and

work

with

an

AS

with

all

of

the

attendant

blame

as

witnessed

in

these

stories

I

can

imagine

mediation

would

be

difficult

Reply

Sarah

January

at

AM

Hi

Carol

I

divorced

my

Aspie

through

mediation

and

found

it

very

helpful

You

both

meet

with

the

mediator

separately

at

first

so

I

was

able

to

explain

to

her

that

while

I

was

certain

he

was

Aspergers

it

was

something

he

did

not

accept

In

this

discussion

I

was

able

to

make

her

understand

that

I

need

to

support

and

hold

him

at

the

same

time

as

I

was

divorcing

him

And

also

that

if

he

appeared

rude

and

abrupt

to

her

this

was

why

She

understood

and

whilst

she

was

very

discreet

about

it

she

was

also

calmly

Ruth

August

at

PM

This

sadly

was

my

experience

over

years

and

children

We

finally

divorced

when

the

youngest

two

were

I

lost

everything

He

was

the

wronged

victim

I

was

the

evil

witch

Only

my

youngest

two

and

my

two

oldest

speak

to

me

now

I

am

a

grandma

but

have

never

seen

the

baby

my

daughter

married

and

did

not

invite

me

My

other

daughter

graduated

but

I

was

not

allowed

to

go

My

mum

died

and

I

was

blanked

at

her

death

bed

by

my

daughters

My

ex

got

everything

I

worked

for

the

house

I

bought

my

Reply

Diane

M

August

at

AM

I

am

so

sorry

Ruth

for

the

pain

you

are

suffering

Autism

whether

high

functioning

is

a

serious

disability

Not

for

themselves

but

for

the

families

that

are

exposed

to

them

day

in

and

day

out

Unfortunately

all

therapy

and

information

is

one

sided

Until

there

is

more

exposure

to

the

HARM

they

do

we

will

suffer

great

consequences

The

damage

is

done

so

slowly

over

such

a

long

period

of

time

THEY

need

to

be

exposed

We

the

NT

must

tell

our

stories

If

there

was

some

kind

of

disease

out

there

causing

so

much

harm

it

would

make

Reply

Sarah

August

at

PM

Diane

you

make

a

very

good

point

Therapists

who

are

not

specialists

in

working

with

both

the

individual

on

the

spectrum

and

the

neurotypical

partner

can

inadvertently

appear

to

side

with

the

partner

on

the

spectrum

which

becomes

an

additional

source

of

anxiety

and

distress

for

the

NT

partner

Many

couples

have

shared

such

disheartening

previous

counseling

experiences

with

me

However

please

do

not

give

up

hope

All

therapy

and

information

is

truly

not

one

sided

as

you

describe

it

There

are

therapists

whose

life

work

derives

from

understanding

both

realities

AS

and

NT

and

whose

heartfelt

goal

is

to

Chasity

H

August

at

PM

My

partner

and

I

have

two

boys

with

asphergars

I

read

this

artical

and

its

totally

what

I

go

through

with

him

I

feel

crazy

and

alone

I

dont

know

what

to

do

I

do

everything

and

if

I

say

something

its

my

fault

and

he

fights

with

me

about

it

What

do

u

suggest

My

boys

are

five

and

eight

right

now

Its

crazy

at

my

house

Chasity

Reply

Diane

M

August

at

AM

Hi

Chasity

dont

make

the

same

mistake

I

did

I

put

myself

last

in

this

marriage

just

saying

that

word

marriage

makes

me

cringe

because

it

is

so

far

from

it

Your

boys

are

still

young

they

are

teachable

Let

him

wear

his

behavior

dont

EVER

make

excuses

for

him

Treat

yourself

with

dignity

and

respect

he

wont

He

cant

you

do

not

exist

for

him

other

than

a

provider

Show

your

boys

you

are

VERY

important

they

must

see

that

from

you

it

will

not

come

from

their

father

Any

bad

behavior

you

husband

does

in

front

of

the

Reply

Jenny

September

at

AM

Chasity

it

does

not

get

better

You

have

two

boys

with

ASD

there

is

only

so

much

stress

and

loneliness

one

human

being

can

withstand

Your

life

is

worth

something

and

you

have

a

right

to

be

heard

and

to

be

loved

and

supported

Had

I

known

this

when

I

was

your

age

I

would

have

moved

away

from

the

stressors

I

could

have

walked

away

from

and

moved

towards

love

and

respect

and

kindness

and

support

It

is

the

oxygen

mask

thingyou

cant

give

something

you

arent

getting

yourself

and

there

is

only

so

much

one

person

can

take

Reply

Vivienne

August

at

PM

I

found

this

article

very

helpful

In

the

absence

of

a

counsellor

who

understands

couple

relationships

where

the

husband

has

AS

can

you

recommend

anything

to

read

that

will

help

more

I

have

read

many

books

but

they

only

take

you

so

far

My

husband

has

a

diagnosis

Reply

Sarah

August

at

AM

Hello

Vivienne

Thank

you

for

your

reply

If

youd

like

to

email

me

through

my

GoodTherapyorg

profile

Id

be

happy

to

respond

Best

wishes

to

you

Reply

Bethany

December

at

PM

I

am

married

to

a

man

who

has

AS

and

have

a

teenage

son

also

Have

been

married

years

but

I

want

a

divorce

We

argue

non

stop

I

try

to

help

both

of

them

socially

but

lately

my

husband

gets

angry

at

me

tells

me

he

doesnt

care

and

says

things

to

me

he

shouldnt

in

feont

of

my

kids

Im

afraid

if

we

divorce

my

children

who

are

and

will

want

to

live

with

him

They

see

him

as

more

chill

even

though

he

is

a

nervous

wreck

and

messes

things

up

and

forgets

things

Melody

August

at

AM

I

do

think

it

helps

to

know

that

my

hubby

of

years

is

an

Aspie

but

its

not

always

enough

He

is

undiagnosed

but

its

obvious

Two

of

our

sons

are

also

on

the

spectrum

at

varying

degrees

and

the

third

son

will

be

evaluated

soon

I

often

feel

invisible

I

handle

everything

for

the

boys

therapies

school

doctors

activities

money

car

maintenance

mowing

cooking

cleaning

laundry

and

I

work

part

time

I

do

see

a

lot

lack

of

respect

from

my

sons

and

I

am

afraid

to

try

anything

new

anymore

because

I

am

tired

of

criticism

I

Reply

Sarah

August

at

PM

Hello

Melody

thank

you

for

writing

Culture

shock

is

often

a

pretty

good

metaphor

for

what

youre

describing

each

partner

might

feel

dropped

into

a

new

country

with

no

map

no

cultural

understanding

and

no

language

skills

I

hope

you

can

find

a

way

to

voice

your

distress

either

with

a

counselor

or

another

professional

who

might

understand

and

be

able

to

offer

you

support

Regarding

a

book

on

this

topic

I

am

in

the

middle

of

writing

one

and

I

hope

it

will

offer

tools

and

comfort

to

anyone

who

reads

it

Best

to

you

Reply

Jenny

September

at

PM

I

can

not

believe

that

my

story

is

here

in

black

and

white

and

that

the

fact

that

it

is

makes

it

clear

that

this

is

not

just

my

story

but

a

never

ending

story

of

misery

and

lives

lost

I

lost

everything

being

married

to

a

man

with

ASD

My

beautiful

home

with

gardens

I

lovingly

created

my

dreams

my

hopes

years

and

years

and

years

of

never

being

loved

never

being

heard

never

mattering

But

the

final

and

most

devastating

loss

of

all

was

the

slow

realization

of

the

fact

that

just

as

you

describe

in

this

story

Reply

Sarah

September

at

AM

Hello

Jenny

your

note

is

so

poignant

I

send

you

my

best

wishes

for

healing

and

reclaiming

those

dreams

which

have

languished

for

so

long

I

encourage

you

to

note

the

resilience

you

are

demonstrating

by

moving

forward

in

your

life

That

is

no

small

feat

Reply

Pilgrim

October

at

AM

Jenny

I

share

a

good

few

of

these

things

especially

garden

children

and

feel

so

sorry

for

your

situation

At

our

age

we

can

not

have

this

familymaking

experience

again

and

for

it

to

become

like

this

for

you

is

so

sad

It

helps

me

to

know

that

I

am

not

alone

in

this

experience

and

hope

that

it

does

you

too

I

hope

that

in

time

your

children

will

come

to

appreciate

and

respond

to

the

love

you

have

for

them

If

not

I

hope

that

you

will

arrive

at

some

kind

of

peaceful

situation

maybe

a

good

new

Reply

Cara

September

at

PM

Yep

this

is

me

right

down

to

certain

things

that

were

said

My

birthday

was

never

ignored

because

he

has

it

in

his

automatic

notifications

on

his

smart

phone

He

always

gets

me

something

er

other

But

it

always

feels

like

an

obligation

Often

when

he

gets

me

something

that

he

feels

is

something

Ive

mentioned

before

hell

pat

himself

on

the

back

by

saying

See

I

listen

We

both

skipped

our

anniversary

this

year

I

knew

he

would

forget

and

I

just

didnt

feel

like

buying

anything

for

it

The

trouble

is

that

reading

the

rest

of

your

Another

thing

is

how

do

you

leave

someone

who

has

drained

all

the

joy

of

life

away

from

you

and

killed

your

dreams

and

made

you

into

someone

you

dont

even

recognizebut

who

is

still

kind

and

funny

and

sometimes

quite

sweet

He

does

those

things

sometimes

but

for

multiple

reasons

there

has

been

no

sexual

relationship

for

years

When

he

discovered

he

had

low

testosterone

he

had

no

interest

in

doing

anything

about

it

for

years

It

tore

me

apart

He

didnt

seem

to

care

one

bit

that

I

was

miserable

instead

asking

me

why

I

couldnt

But

how

do

you

leave

someone

when

you

still

love

them

I

feel

he

and

I

are

friends

and

thats

all

And

I

feel

strongly

that

my

leaving

him

would

really

hurt

him

He

would

say

he

couldnt

help

being

Aspergers

and

couldnt

help

his

testosterone

levels

Maybe

some

of

it

but

not

all

Im

so

confused

years

of

feeling

like

a

sack

of

potatoes

and

wondering

what

happened

to

who

I

used

to

be

I

think

I

lack

the

faith

in

myself

to

even

do

anything

about

it

now

Reply

Sarah

September

at

AM

Hello

Cara

this

is

the

bind

many

find

themselves

in

painful

recognition

of

their

own

sense

of

fading

away

with

lost

dreams

and

crushed

hopes

while

loving

their

partners

and

not

wanting

to

leave

If

both

of

you

want

to

old

on

to

the

marriage

supportive

counseling

with

a

therapist

skilled

in

understanding

the

interior

lives

of

both

partners

can

offer

significant

insights

I

wish

you

well

on

your

path

Reply

Kf

September

at

AM

This

has

been

my

life

Finally

looked

up

and

smelled

the

coffee

and

asked

husband

of

years

to

move

out

when

he

got

physical

with

year

old

son

What

a

waste

of

my

life

having

to

comply

with

all

his

ways

or

he

would

rage

feel

like

my

kids

think

I

am

the

one

to

blame

as

he

has

such

a

martyrs

way

about

him

He

is

so

irresponsible

even

tonight

he

was

asking

me

to

pick

my

son

up

as

it

is

too

much

for

him

and

too

much

for

petrol

He

picks

him

up

twice

a

Reply

Sarah

September

at

AM

Hello

KF

thank

you

for

posting

your

note

Please

dont

consider

yourself

an

idiot

for

wanting

your

marriage

to

match

your

hopes

and

dreams

You

did

the

best

you

could

throughout

those

years

given

what

you

knew

then

compared

to

what

you

know

now

With

time

perhaps

you

will

see

how

resilient

and

loving

and

utterly

competent

you

have

always

been

as

evidenced

by

all

the

juggling

you

have

done

well

for

so

many

years

I

wish

you

well

in

your

discernment

Be

kind

to

yourself

You

deserve

it

Reply

Anna

September

at

PM

I

made

a

spontaneous

invite

to

go

out

for

food

after

work

as

weather

was

beautiful

He

agreed

we

went

and

then

went

aspie

on

me

at

the

table

checked

out

daydreaming

even

though

familiar

restaurant

and

no

others

in

the

restaurant

Hello

where

are

you

Realise

no

substance

behind

my

handsome

selfish

man

so

do

I

just

get

used

to

having

one

sided

conversations

with

myself

Reply

Sarah

September

at

AM

Hello

Anna

How

frustrating

for

you

I

wonder

whether

you

have

done

much

reading

about

Aspergers

The

reason

I

ask

is

that

autistic

behaviors

which

are

not

intended

as

selfish

often

appear

that

way

due

to

problems

related

to

understanding

the

emotional

reality

of

another

person

to

the

chagrin

of

the

neurotypical

partner

and

the

checking

out

you

describe

can

often

be

a

response

to

feeling

anxious

and

overwhelmed

by

multiple

stimuli

which

could

happen

in

places

such

as

the

restaurant

you

describe

which

may

feel

perfectly

ordinary

and

otherwise

pleasant

to

someone

who

is

not

on

the

spectrum

It

Reply

Anna

September

at

PM

Thank

you

Sarah

I

have

spent

the

last

few

days

reading

some

online

articles

books

and

a

couple

of

forums

similar

to

yours

re

Asperger

and

am

gaining

of

an

understanding

of

what

this

relationship

will

entail

Many

women

on

various

on

forums

suggest

run

dont

look

back

I

am

trying

to

empathise

with

how

he

feels

constantly

no

wonder

the

grumpiness

is

surfacing

We

are

obviously

coming

out

of

the

new

phase

as

now

nine

months

in

to

our

new

relationship

The

hurt

in

my

gut

is

strong

this

weekend

as

he

has

been

trying

to

multi

task

which

Kf

September

at

PM

Thank

you

Sarah

for

your

kind

words

I

am

trying

to

be

more

positive

every

day

and

help

the

boys

grow

up

as

well

adjusted

as

possible

Thanks

for

this

site

it

is

comforting

to

have

supportive

and

understanding

people

Reply

Marion

September

at

PM

What

a

remarkable

and

affirming

article

about

the

best

since

I

became

aware

of

this

elephant

in

my

family

in

mid

when

the

topic

and

condition

was

raised

in

media

following

which

I

attended

Attwood

conferences

and

joined

FAAAS

I

have

lost

twice

and

its

been

monumental

refinding

myself

after

divorce

ago

My

children

commented

on

their

fathers

traits

were

hurt

by

some

of

these

but

struggle

with

my

truth

My

oldest

son

seems

accepting

and

remains

loyal

and

loving

but

his

sister

who

studied

humanities

and

is

a

counsellor

is

estranged

By

now

I

wonder

if

I

Reply

Sarah

September

at

PM

Hello

Marion

thank

you

I

am

glad

this

article

was

affirming

for

you

One

thing

you

might

think

about

if

youre

wondering

about

sharing

it

with

your

children

is

whether

you

think

it

might

be

prudent

to

present

it

to

them

as

something

that

is

particularly

meaningful

to

you

something

that

youd

like

them

to

read

in

order

to

understand

you

better

At

the

very

least

they

will

be

learning

something

about

their

mother

There

is

always

the

chance

that

they

will

see

more

than

that

however

and

consider

how

the

whole

picture

relates

to

them

their

mother

and

their

Reply

Anonymous

September

at

AM

Reply

Liz

M

September

at

AM

Dear

anonymous

Sounds

to

me

like

you

arewere

not

dealing

with

a

psychologically

stable

NT

Just

because

he

isnt

AS

certainly

doesnt

preclude

him

from

some

other

DSM

diagnosis

There

seems

to

me

no

doubt

that

you

are

suffering

emotional

and

psychological

abuse

Your

partner

is

not

healthy

and

you

might

need

to

consider

running

away

real

fast

from

this

guy

I

hope

you

havent

begun

to

blame

or

hate

yourself

yet

So

sorry

I

hope

Sarah

has

some

good

advice

yours

seems

like

a

very

damaging

situation

Reply

J

C

January

at

AM

This

sounds

like

my

soninlaw

but

he

is

the

one

who

is

AS

He

would

want

to

talk

and

talk

and

talk

usually

about

nothing

constructive

but

would

go

from

one

topic

to

another

endlessly

for

hours

to

the

point

where

I

was

completely

exhausted

and

really

needed

to

be

alone

with

my

thoughts

for

a

bit

to

recharge

my

batteries

but

he

would

insist

on

bombarding

me

with

yak

and

asking

my

opinion

about

topics

I

knew

too

little

about

to

have

a

conversation

about

When

all

I

could

do

was

acknowledge

politely

he

would

get

angry

and

say

Sarah

September

at

AM

Dear

Anonymous

In

a

word

yes

I

consider

the

world

from

the

point

of

view

of

the

individual

on

the

spectrum

all

the

time

in

my

work

In

fact

if

I

have

a

personal

mission

it

is

this

to

help

couples

and

individuals

understand

that

there

are

neurological

differences

between

those

on

the

autism

spectrum

and

people

who

are

considered

to

be

neurotypical

These

differences

manifest

most

strongly

in

the

intimate

relationship

where

the

demands

on

the

AS

person

are

experienced

as

most

complex

and

significant

Helping

to

build

a

bridge

between

these

two

ways

of

being

in

the

world

is

my

Reply

Pink

nails

October

at

PM

I

do

not

want

this

for

my

life

I

have

children

and

under

The

oldest

has

Aspergers

and

the

middle

sensory

and

anxiety

issues

The

only

reasons

I

have

for

not

divorcing

at

this

point

is

fear

of

the

stress

as

I

am

already

completely

overdrawn

and

that

I

do

not

trust

my

spouse

with

the

children

for

any

more

than

a

couple

hours

I

feel

that

to

save

myself

I

would

be

leaving

my

children

to

deal

with

his

invisible

disabilities

without

my

help

and

protection

Ug

I

would

not

get

full

custody

as

he

is

a

My

mom

had

an

empathy

disorder

cluster

B

and

that

led

me

to

this

relationship

I

am

so

completely

done

dealing

with

zero

empathy

relationships

Life

is

too

short

I

remind

my

girls

constantly

to

think

of

others

hoping

I

can

instill

empathy

into

their

neurology

Love

matters

Love

requires

empathy

Reply

Anonymous

October

at

AM

Dear

Pink

Nails

I

am

sorry

about

your

mother

but

I

was

concerned

about

your

comment

that

you

wish

to

instill

empathy

into

their

neurology

with

regard

to

your

daughters

I

think

I

have

a

responsibility

to

set

the

record

straight

You

have

admitted

yourself

there

are

sensory

and

anxiety

issues

and

you

need

to

understand

that

those

are

the

problem

NOT

a

lack

of

empathy

For

us

other

peoples

emotions

are

like

being

at

a

Death

Metal

concert

There

is

already

too

much

going

on

to

process

If

you

then

try

and

speak

softly

it

wont

be

heard

above

Reply

Marion

February

at

PM

I

wonder

if

modelling

empathy

is

better

than

bashing

their

ears

about

others

feelings

Of

course

everyone

is

on

a

different

part

of

a

spectrum

so

degrees

of

awareness

would

vary

I

have

a

son

who

displayed

autisticsensory

issues

when

young

but

is

now

giving

hugs

not

shrugging

them

off

He

is

very

affectionate

with

his

fiance

My

heart

sings

since

he

asked

why

we

do

these

things

when

he

was

about

or

old

and

it

was

a

little

painful

watching

him

then

mimicking

eventually

giving

crushing

hugs

and

now

lovely

gentle

ones

Vegan

unicorn

April

at

PM

Dear

Anonymous

Thank

you

so

much

for

explaining

how

others

emotions

actually

feel

to

a

person

diagnosed

w

AS

in

such

a

concise

poignant

way

I

think

I

finally

have

a

better

understanding

for

both

how

it

must

feel

when

to

share

my

emotions

w

an

AS

partner

by

making

sure

were

both

in

an

environment

that

helps

relieve

tension

anxiety

The

few

people

who

are

on

the

spectrum

who

took

the

time

to

comment

on

this

forum

provided

a

lot

of

insight

in

a

kind

patient

empathetic

manner

Thank

you

so

much

again

Penny

January

at

AM

Sarah

I

am

interested

to

know

what

you

and

the

other

readers

think

about

how

you

would

deal

with

children

and

their

exposure

to

their

AS

fathers

behaviors

I

suppose

I

am

sheltering

them

and

not

making

his

behaviors

seem

odd

to

them

should

I

tell

them

as

it

is

For

example

my

husband

has

chronic

snoring

and

this

was

going

on

through

our

relationship

his

mother

is

the

same

and

was

diagnosed

with

sleep

apnea

I

eventually

could

not

take

it

anymore

so

I

said

that

he

needed

to

get

it

sorted

His

solution

was

to

move

to

the

Reply

Sarah

February

at

PM

Hello

Penny

I

wonder

whether

you

might

consider

working

with

a

counselor

who

can

help

you

sort

out

these

questions

It

is

complicated

with

young

children

who

are

watching

everything

and

forming

their

own

impressions

and

ideas

about

why

mommy

and

daddy

do

things

I

understand

your

desire

to

care

for

your

children

and

offer

them

explanations

that

make

sense

and

that

are

accurate

Their

developmental

stages

and

awareness

are

part

of

the

formula

for

determing

how

best

to

do

this

I

send

warm

wishes

to

you

in

the

hopes

that

you

can

find

support

Reply

Kara

February

at

AM

Reply

Dorothy

May

at

AM

Your

thoughts

resonated

with

me

as

I

spent

over

years

with

my

Aspberger

spouse

and

like

others

who

knew

separating

was

ultimately

the

only

option

waited

until

our

youngest

went

to

college

to

file

for

divorce

My

husbands

limitations

were

well

known

among

myself

and

our

kids

and

the

emotional

deprivation

that

life

with

him

presented

Compounding

his

self

absorption

and

alexithymia

was

his

unwillingness

to

accept

that

anything

was

wrong

with

him

and

could

be

monosyllabic

with

little

eye

contact

for

days

If

you

and

your

kids

tend

towards

the

neuro

typical

then

you

have

to

divorce

in

I

do

wish

we

had

better

information

on

the

range

of

personality

types

concurrent

in

our

society

particularly

in

the

high

functioning

world

That

psychology

was

a

required

subject

in

high

school

That

we

all

had

mental

health

screening

at

the

appropriate

times

in

our

development

as

kids

to

catch

those

who

could

benefit

from

help

I

do

think

in

my

husbands

case

there

was

generational

childhood

neglect

he

really

was

incapable

of

deep

connection

unless

he

was

around

animals

or

exercising

Us

humans

held

little

interest

for

him

at

the

end

of

the

day

and

life

is

too

short

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

June

at

PM

Hello

Kara

Thank

you

for

your

words

of

support

I

am

glad

you

find

my

insights

helpful

This

is

my

lifes

work

and

I

view

it

as

a

calling

I

send

warm

regards

to

you

Reply

vett

March

at

PM

Hello

Sarah

Swenson

I

live

part

time

in

wa

And

I

need

to

get

out

of

this

relationship

I

am

and

I

never

thought

I

would

live

a

miserable

appreciated

life

I

mean

If

I

had

married

the

right

person

I

see

happiness

over

flowing

As

it

is

now

the

aspie

knows

he

is

aspie

and

selfish

and

a

dishonest

and

a

liar

and

more

and

he

flat

out

does

not

care

I

know

forgiveness

is

a

gift

i

give

to

myself

but

I

do

not

believe

i

can

forgive

him

He

has

known

much

of

the

bad

things

he

has

done

vett

Sarah

February

at

AM

This

article

is

so

spoton

I

grew

up

with

an

Aspie

Dad

and

an

NT

mum

and

her

behaviours

were

exactly

like

this

I

spent

my

childhood

being

very

internally

scathing

about

her

and

adulating

my

Dad

who

I

saw

as

clever

and

funny

Then

in

my

I

married

an

Aspie

guy

myself

I

am

leaving

him

next

month

the

kids

are

and

but

I

finally

can

see

clearly

that

the

person

I

am

while

I

try

to

placate

and

contain

their

dad

is

not

the

strong

capable

happy

mum

they

deserve

This

article

made

me

Reply

Dorothy

May

at

AM

Dear

Sarah

Your

comment

reinforces

why

I

finally

left

my

spouse

I

am

the

functioning

NT

partner

and

I

couldnt

let

my

daughters

and

son

bear

witness

any

longer

to

a

relationship

where

mom

is

ignored

for

the

most

part

but

runs

circles

around

self

absorbed

dad

to

keep

things

going

I

do

think

despite

the

nuttiness

of

forging

this

new

solo

path

my

kids

have

more

respect

for

me

because

I

chose

myself

my

health

and

my

happiness

Reply

Paula

September

at

PM

If

there

is

a

way

please

get

in

touch

with

me

I

am

curious

how

you

left

your

husband

and

what

his

reaction

was

Mine

I

fear

would

be

so

hurt

he

would

do

something

dramatic

Alexis

March

at

PM

Ignored

criticized

stonewalled

for

years

I

invested

all

of

myself

my

resources

in

him

in

our

family

only

to

lose

everything

because

I

trusted

him

He

had

no

concern

for

our

familys

stability

wellbeing

basic

needs

I

finally

left

with

the

kids

because

he

would

not

stop

drinking

the

obsessive

video

game

playing

pornography

I

had

slowly

lost

myself

became

isolated

and

depressed

literally

left

to

save

myself

when

I

had

no

money

left

of

my

own

no

home

anymore

because

he

forced

me

to

short

sale

it

relocate

for

his

career

give

up

my

career

grad

school

my

Reply

Leslie

May

at

AM

To

be

honest

being

a

recently

diagnosed

female

married

to

a

NT

man

with

kids

on

the

spectrum

I

find

most

of

this

article

and

many

of

the

responses

to

be

one

sided

Married

to

an

autistic

person

Bash

them

here

The

message

is

the

autistic

person

isnt

really

a

person

but

just

someone

to

be

dealt

with

and

more

than

likely

someone

that

is

going

to

make

your

life

hell

I

didnt

read

one

sentence

that

showed

any

understanding

of

why

the

autistic

person

would

behave

how

they

did

just

that

they

were

being

uncompromising

or

lashing

out

Reply

anonymous

May

at

AM

That

shows

maybe

the

level

of

empathy

of

the

writer

I

have

this

thought

experiment

Imagine

you

would

meet

an

alien

Could

you

emphasize

with

this

alien

Even

if

its

brain

was

wired

totally

differently

Could

you

emulate

this

aliens

thoughts

Can

you

you

even

decide

whos

process

of

thought

is

the

right

one

If

you

would

assume

your

train

of

thought

is

the

one

Are

you

than

somehow

right

And

emphatic

Do

we

understand

the

brain

Reply

EJ

June

at

PM

What

are

you

talking

about

Natalie

May

at

PM

Leslie

I

totally

hear

where

you

are

coming

from

Im

NT

with

ASD

LTR

two

kids

If

I

may

what

you

are

perceiving

as

a

lack

of

empathy

in

this

thread

is

actually

a

deeply

safe

space

that

Sarah

and

commenters

have

created

for

NTs

dealing

with

this

intensely

difficult

situation

and

related

Ongoing

Traumatic

Relationship

Stress

Which

is

very

significant

to

all

facets

of

our

health

capacity

to

live

our

lives

and

to

parent

and

which

many

of

us

posting

are

only

just

realizing

we

are

dealing

with

for

the

first

time

So

BIG

stuff

here

for

sure

Id

say

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

June

at

PM

Hello

Leslie

The

goal

of

my

writing

and

my

pychotherapy

practice

is

to

honor

both

perspectives

and

world

views

the

neurotypical

and

the

autistic

If

you

found

this

article

to

be

onesided

it

may

be

because

the

focus

is

on

the

experience

here

of

the

neurotypical

partner

Other

articles

I

write

include

emphasis

on

the

experience

of

the

autistic

partner

And

all

those

who

write

comments

here

are

expressing

their

views

regarding

their

own

experiences

I

admire

your

efforts

on

behalf

of

your

children

There

are

great

advantages

today

to

early

support

for

children

which

were

not

available

or

even

conceptualized

when

Reply

Paula

September

at

PM

Leslie

I

think

many

of

the

women

here

are

venting

and

you

are

right

not

thinking

of

the

other

side

I

think

of

my

husbands

good

qualities

quite

often

because

there

are

many

I

love

him

dearly

and

regardless

of

how

our

relationship

evolves

he

will

always

be

one

of

my

very

best

friend

He

has

helped

me

through

some

tough

times

with

my

mom

and

family

and

been

a

great

listener

He

is

super

bright

and

loves

to

read

and

talk

about

books

He

is

a

hot

dad

too

lemme

tell

ya

And

sometimes

when

I

am

emotionally

caught

Reply

Carol

May

at

PM

Too

soft

have

you

read

everything

about

Aspergers

do

you

know

the

affects

of

his

behavior

for

years

to

his

wife

I

do

not

EXIST

Never

have

existed

Not

one

photo

did

he

take

of

me

He

is

a

photographer

and

has

just

used

me

for

ideas

I

have

no

record

of

my

life

and

our

photographic

business

together

Reply

Dorothy

May

at

AM

Dear

Carol

Your

comment

really

resonated

with

me

I

am

a

professional

photographer

and

there

are

very

few

pictures

of

me

with

the

kids

but

a

ton

of

priceless

images

of

him

and

them

over

the

years

He

is

very

able

with

the

camera

and

it

hurt

how

little

interest

he

expressed

about

documenting

me

Weird

You

have

my

most

profound

sympathies

Reply

Julie

S

June

at

PM

Hi

Carol

Your

post

made

a

lot

of

sense

to

me

My

AS

husband

of

yr

never

took

a

single

picture

of

me

Even

at

our

wedding

he

had

an

alcoholic

friend

take

the

pictures

for

us

He

paid

him

a

bottle

of

rum

which

he

consumed

just

before

the

wedding

Consequently

all

pictures

are

or

ladies

legs

I

was

furious

but

nothing

could

be

done

about

it

as

the

day

was

long

gone

But

speed

yrs

and

while

putting

together

a

family

photo

album

I

realized

that

there

were

no

pictures

of

me

with

the

kids

Whats

Natalie

May

at

PM

Question

Does

anyone

here

have

insight

on

a

tendency

towards

urgency

to

repair

in

ASDNT

relationships

Ive

been

with

my

ASD

guy

for

years

just

starting

to

wake

up

to

the

reality

hes

getting

evaluated

soon

and

besides

making

all

of

the

NUMEROUS

pains

challenges

of

those

years

together

make

total

sense

one

thing

I

notice

that

seems

especially

important

to

my

own

emotional

health

is

that

for

all

those

years

Ive

been

the

one

to

rush

in

and

attempt

to

fix

whatever

seems

off

when

theres

a

conflict

which

is

often

for

all

the

reasons

above

as

Im

Anyway

Id

love

input

from

folks

on

that

urgency

to

repair

if

others

have

had

that

experience

or

what

any

professionals

would

say

about

the

impacts

of

that

on

my

own

health

moving

forward

BIG

THANKS

TO

SARAH

and

everyone

commenting

here

Sarah

out

of

the

dozens

of

articles

Ive

read

in

the

last

few

months

yours

speaks

most

clearly

and

directly

to

what

I

didnt

even

realize

Id

been

experiencing

my

entire

adult

life

I

cant

thank

you

enough

Reply

Lisa

June

at

PM

hfASDNT

relationships

summed

up

in

one

sentence

Soul

crushing

malignant

optimism

Thats

all

for

today

beautiful

people

Reply

Jonathan

May

at

PM

Well

said

Natalie

My

heart

goes

out

to

you

NT

women

married

to

ASD

men

seriously

I

have

been

with

my

wife

for

years

whilst

I

have

been

unexposed

to

so

much

overt

abuse

that

I

read

that

ASD

men

can

dish

out

the

loneliness

and

isolation

is

crushing

brutal

and

unremitting

I

dont

see

the

word

selfishness

used

much

in

relation

to

Aspergers

individuals

but

for

me

it

is

relevant

I

suspect

Aspies

are

selfish

due

to

anxiety

about

their

deficiencies

As

a

man

I

have

had

to

endure

much

manipulation

and

control

I

have

had

an

ache

in

my

heart

loneliness

for

years

and

am

now

reaching

a

point

where

I

might

Loved

the

article

Sarah

very

succinct

Reply

Cassandra

May

at

AM

Dear

Sarah

Your

article

had

me

reading

in

tears

as

it

resonates

so

painfully

Im

empathise

hugely

with

all

you

NT

women

and

the

huge

struggles

you

have

faced

or

are

still

facing

whilst

married

to

undiagnosed

AS

men

After

years

together

and

years

as

a

single

parent

I

started

divorce

proceedings

months

ago

to

save

my

sanity

as

an

individual

and

as

a

devoted

mother

to

my

now

and

yr

old

kids

My

struggle

through

the

British

legal

system

right

now

is

to

remain

the

primary

carer

of

my

kids

and

for

my

case

to

continue

to

be

dimissed

by

magistrates

as

just

another

high

conflict

divorce

where

the

parents

need

to

put

aside

their

differences

for

the

sake

of

the

chidren

The

court

can

not

count

on

my

kids

expressing

their

true

wishes

and

feelings

as

my

son

has

Aspergers

so

he

sees

the

conflict

as

nothing

to

do

with

him

as

long

as

his

needs

are

met

Ive

always

been

the

one

to

ensure

they

are

met

and

my

daughter

Mediation

didnt

work

because

compromise

is

never

on

his

agenda

I

want

to

find

myself

again

to

be

the

person

I

once

was

and

to

be

that

person

for

my

kids

but

unless

the

court

and

the

legals

can

understand

me

Ive

no

hope

of

reducing

contact

to

what

would

be

best

for

the

kids

and

regaining

some

degree

of

sanity

I

just

want

to

be

free

and

sane

enough

to

continue

to

be

a

devoted

mother

to

my

kids

Thanks

to

Sarah

and

anyone

out

there

who

is

able

to

relate

to

any

of

this

and

add

any

words

of

support

Reply

Cassandra

May

at

AM

correction

for

my

case

NOT

to

continue

to

be

dimissed

by

magistrates

as

just

another

high

conflict

divorce

where

the

parents

need

to

put

aside

their

differences

for

the

sake

of

the

chidren

Reply

Jonathan

June

at

PM

Hi

Cassandra

My

heart

goes

out

to

you

in

this

terrible

no

win

situation

you

are

in

Im

no

lawyer

but

perhaps

in

your

custody

battle

you

could

seek

the

written

medical

opinion

of

at

least

psychiatrists

who

have

high

levels

of

understanding

regarding

Aspergers

and

your

situation

with

a

view

to

them

being

tendered

as

evidence

for

your

custody

hearings

It

seems

that

you

have

to

formally

put

Aspergers

into

the

proceedings

or

you

and

the

kids

will

get

railroaded

Will

pray

for

you

guys

Regards

Jonathan

Lili

May

at

AM

Reply

Ann

S

June

at

AM

That

was

a

beautiful

comment

very

well

written

and

I

love

you

to

pieces

for

writing

it

You

are

fierce

Reply

meg

June

at

PM

I

am

so

sorry

this

is

happening

for

you

Reply

smist

June

at

PM

I

am

living

in

this

and

its

very

disheartening

Reply

Jennifer

E

F

June

at

PM

OHHH

so

much

of

this

I

certainly

relate

toalthough

I

do

nothave

children

to

my

husbandwe

are

a

joined

familyI

had

my

kids

and

he

had

familyalthough

they

know

he

is

a

little

weird

think

he

is

finecos

h

e

talks

to

themmy

boys

think

he

is

okaybut

daughters

one

especiallydoes

not

like

himOH

dear

what

a

mess

I

am

in

In

the

beginning

he

begged

me

NOT

to

leave

him

and

my

motherinlawused

to

apologise

for

himand

also

begged

me

NOT

to

leave

him

I

am

so

lonely

in

this

marriagebut

too

afraid

to

be

Reply

Joanna

June

at

AM

Lili

youve

been

through

so

much

Well

done

for

sharing

it

here

You

and

your

daughter

will

be

fine

out

ofthe

other

side

of

this

I

can

tell

that

you

are

stronger

than

even

you

believe

A

happier

life

awaits

Reply

Ethel

June

at

AM

Thank

you

for

writing

this

I

have

been

married

to

an

undiagnosed

Asperger

man

for

years

We

have

a

year

old

son

who

WAS

diagnosed

at

age

We

are

struggling

right

now

and

this

article

expresses

exactly

how

I

am

feeling

I

have

gone

to

therapy

but

never

have

thought

about

some

of

the

things

mentioned

in

your

article

We

are

hitting

some

walls

right

now

He

refuses

to

go

to

therapy

and

thinks

he

can

fix

it

by

DOING

things

Working

on

the

yard

to

make

it

look

better

fixing

the

leaky

faucet

I

have

begged

I

told

him

yesterday

I

wanted

a

separation

I

AM

the

woman

in

your

article

I

was

very

successful

in

my

job

I

feel

like

I

have

lost

my

way

my

sense

of

self

my

drive

to

move

forward

and

succeed

I

am

working

but

my

confidence

is

shattered

I

need

to

find

myself

again

I

dont

know

how

Reply

Marion

July

at

PM

Hi

I

do

identify

having

spent

years

with

HFA

paid

for

him

to

become

doc

after

marriage

no

thanks

tho

enabled

his

earning

capacity

Lost

in

a

very

bizarre

breakup

flirtatious

behaviour

broke

trust

multiple

times

until

I

left

and

also

lost

two

offspring

who

model

on

his

modelling

that

I

dont

count

What

I

wanted

to

say

to

those

who

receive

no

presents

of

course

its

not

their

modus

operandi

in

love

just

DOING

but

not

even

for

you

or

saying

its

for

you

Check

your

love

language

and

understand

your

partners

it

may

help

instead

of

feeling

Good

luck

Reply

beth

June

at

PM

I

am

just

really

realizing

that

my

husband

of

years

is

undiagnosed

Aspie

It

has

gotten

very

difficult

to

live

with

him

My

son

was

disrespecting

me

calling

me

a

bitch

under

his

breath

and

my

husband

was

standing

there

and

basically

said

I

antagonized

him

I

do

feel

like

I

am

losing

my

mind

The

next

day

he

told

me

the

kids

are

seeing

my

true

colors

I

was

like

what

After

I

calmed

down

I

realized

that

he

is

right

I

am

not

the

person

that

they

see

I

have

been

driven

to

being

completely

Reply

Carol

S

June

at

PM

The

lies

the

hording

the

disrespect

for

me

as

a

person

and

coowner

in

business

and

his

stalling

of

our

Divorce

to

cover

up

his

stealing

from

our

business

ie

ME

is

so

unnecessary

If

I

choose

to

go

to

court

all

will

be

revealed

Plus

I

am

in

severe

Dept

from

having

to

retain

a

lawyer

No

common

sense

at

all

Far

better

that

he

sorted

it

out

ago

Married

and

abandoned

for

years

without

any

money

since

he

left

me

in

a

coma

Controlling

me

by

money

all

this

time

Sick

person

Reply

Carole

July

at

AM

I

was

married

to

an

aspie

for

years

He

lived

in

his

own

bubble

unless

I

pull

him

out

to

spend

some

time

with

his

kids

He

was

obsessed

and

still

is

by

a

new

religion

that

he

found

It

came

first

before

his

kids

and

me

He

had

a

picture

of

his

God

next

to

his

computer

at

work

So

much

emotional

stress

I

went

through

a

depression

feeling

so

lonely

I

eventually

realized

that

if

I

did

not

get

out

of

the

relationship

my

health

would

deteriorate

even

more

I

have

kids

the

oldest

sees

his

Reply

Female

aspie

July

at

AM

This

article

is

fantastic

except

one

thing

it

is

not

the

problem

of

ASNT

relationships

Female

aspies

are

not

like

male

aspies

The

problems

described

above

apply

to

Relationships

where

the

male

has

aspergers

whether

the

woman

is

neurotypical

or

autistic

Having

spent

five

years

married

to

an

AS

man

I

can

guarantee

that

my

aspergers

doesnt

make

his

behaviours

any

less

hurtful

to

me

or

any

less

damaging

to

the

children

Reply

Marion

July

at

PM

Hi

Female

Aspie

Thanks

I

find

your

comments

illuminating

I

guess

another

aspect

of

the

original

article

could

include

a

section

on

your

experience

altho

it

is

an

article

about

women

married

to

high

functioning

people

with

autism

Maybe

you

could

offer

something

up

to

the

resources

about

a

Woman

with

AS

married

to

a

Male

with

AS

I

get

it

that

you

will

experience

much

in

the

relationship

as

any

woman

would

My

understanding

is

also

that

many

with

AS

do

not

struggle

as

much

socially

as

males

do

Reply

Jonathan

July

at

PM

I

would

like

to

echo

your

thoughts

Marion

I

am

married

to

a

female

I

strongly

suspect

aspie

and

I

have

found

that

there

is

not

much

material

out

there

to

assist

me

with

our

difficulties

My

wife

is

strongly

resistant

to

seeking

an

assessment

and

loathes

think

controlling

behaviour

me

attending

an

aspie

spouse

support

group

On

the

other

hand

she

has

listened

to

my

warning

of

potential

separation

and

is

trying

hard

in

her

limited

way

to

be

more

loving

towards

me

which

I

appreciate

Just

last

night

I

read

a

news

article

that

female

AS

might

in

fact

be

much

more

common

than

previously

thought

I

would

appreciate

any

insights

you

could

offer

Female

Aspie

Sarah

Swenson

July

at

AM

Hello

Female

Aspie

I

appreciate

your

perspective

Besides

working

with

couples

in

which

one

partner

is

autistic

and

the

other

is

neurotypical

I

also

work

with

couples

in

which

both

partners

are

on

the

spectrum

and

they

also

face

these

challenges

though

they

may

express

the

differently

Reply

HanLin

July

at

PM

I

read

that

with

autism

the

brain

is

wired

differently

that

it

causes

abnormal

facial

expressions

such

as

smiling

too

broadly

To

have

a

nonautistic

version

passing

is

required

We

have

at

least

two

neural

circuits

for

our

facial

muscles

Acting

nonautistic

can

also

include

stimming

suppression

and

other

ways

of

looking

nonautistic

I

guess

passing

continues

into

marriage

If

not

the

symptoms

may

be

obvious

enough

that

we

dont

hear

comments

such

as

you

dont

look

autistic

From

other

articles

about

the

same

issue

theres

concerns

that

autistic

husbands

act

superficial

Would

it

be

better

to

put

less

effort

into

passing

At

least

their

facial

expressions

wont

be

superficial

and

mental

resources

are

freed

up

Amythest

Schaber

has

a

video

about

it

I

still

feel

uncomfortable

not

passing

because

it

might

frighten

people

Reply

HanLin

July

at

PM

Passing

seems

to

be

encouraged

in

even

subtle

ways

such

as

hearing

are

you

okay

or

you

dont

look

autistic

Im

not

comfortable

smiling

because

theres

actually

more

than

one

kind

What

if

I

unknowingly

gave

the

wrong

kind

I

thought

of

putting

less

effort

into

it

because

it

doesnt

seem

that

effective

Even

AS

and

HFA

are

quite

serious

In

real

life

mild

autistics

seem

to

struggle

as

much

as

those

who

are

more

severe

such

as

difficulties

finding

jobs

or

getting

married

They

still

have

an

to

percent

unemployment

rate

spectrumnewsorgnewspeoplewithmilderformsofautismstruggleasadults

Reply

Marion

July

at

PM

I

may

have

missed

the

topic

previously

but

what

is

passing

Thanks

M

HanLin

July

at

PM

For

autistic

people

passing

means

suppressing

their

autistic

traits

Heres

a

video

about

passing

from

Amythest

Schaber

Sarah

Swenson

July

at

AM

Hello

Han

Lin

yes

I

agree

that

there

is

much

misunderstanding

among

the

general

public

regarding

autism

Passing

is

certainly

not

the

term

we

use

in

therapy

however

nor

is

it

the

goal

Unemployment

and

underemployment

loss

of

jobs

and

broken

relationshipsthese

are

topics

that

come

up

constantly

among

my

cients

My

goal

with

each

of

them

is

psychoeducation

about

autism

exploration

of

the

unspoken

social

contracts

nd

expectations

that

surrround

them

and

supportive

counseling

Thank

you

for

your

link

Kathy

August

at

AM

Sarah

this

also

describes

my

marriage

of

years

I

am

so

glad

i

came

across

this

article

because

now

I

know

I

am

not

crazy

and

definitely

not

alone

with

what

other

women

my

age

is

experiencing

my

son

was

just

diagnose

with

AS

earlier

this

year

which

triggered

what

is

happening

with

my

relationship

with

my

husband

Yes

I

agree

the

rest

of

the

world

outside

the

home

thinks

you

are

the

bad

one

because

he

looks

like

the

perfect

husband

I

have

decided

to

proceed

with

a

divorce

I

need

to

finally

breathe

and

find

me

again

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

August

at

AM

Hello

Kathy

Im

glad

to

hear

that

my

writing

has

been

helpful

to

you

I

send

you

my

best

regards

as

you

go

through

your

divorce

I

know

its

difficult

Reply

Sarah

August

at

AM

Hi

I

cant

believe

how

similar

this

is

to

my

marriage

of

right

down

to

the

lack

of

birthday

card

and

no

recognition

of

our

wedding

anniversary

as

mentioned

by

one

of

the

commentators

It

is

a

huge

relief

to

know

I

am

not

alone

as

I

often

feel

like

I

am

going

completely

crazy

I

finally

left

three

months

ago

and

found

out

about

aspergers

when

my

counsellor

who

happens

to

be

a

specialist

in

the

area

asked

my

whether

I

had

ever

considers

he

was

on

the

spectrum

She

explained

about

aspergers

and

then

I

started

reading

up

about

it

I

had

previously

considered

NPD

as

he

gaslights

alot

He

had

a

heart

attack

last

year

out

of

the

blue

which

appeared

to

exacerbate

the

AS

traits

he

has

exhibited

for

years

The

huge

relief

to

know

why

someone

close

to

you

is

behaving

like

they

are

is

worth

its

weight

in

gold

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

September

at

PM

Hello

Sarah

thank

you

for

sharing

your

story

Im

very

glad

to

know

you

have

such

supportive

counseling

It

can

make

all

the

difference

Warm

regards

to

you

Reply

hopeless

husband

September

at

PM

I

dont

know

what

to

do

My

wife

and

my

family

are

my

reasons

for

being

in

this

world

Thinking

of

a

life

without

them

is

causing

me

pain

Ive

never

felt

before

I

have

a

therapist

who

is

helping

me

but

though

I

understand

I

dont

think

Ill

ever

lose

this

feeling

of

sorrow

and

shame

I

wish

I

had

known

earlier

I

wish

therapists

and

counselors

I

had

previously

would

have

looked

deeper

I

wish

I

had

not

been

so

prideful

as

I

met

with

people

who

were

only

trying

to

help

This

current

state

of

separation

has

Despite

all

of

that

I

still

am

clinging

onto

slivers

of

hope

where

I

see

them

I

have

hope

that

as

we

meet

with

a

couples

counselor

we

may

be

able

to

resolve

some

of

our

communication

issues

I

have

hope

because

I

know

that

she

loves

me

and

I

love

her

I

have

hope

that

she

may

listen

to

my

advice

and

seek

out

a

therapist

who

specializes

in

traumaPTSD

I

have

hope

that

with

the

help

I

am

receiving

I

will

be

able

to

prove

that

the

changes

I

made

are

real

and

substantial

and

that

I

am

Of

course

hoping

beyond

hope

may

be

the

final

nail

in

my

coffin

It

may

be

that

nothing

works

and

I

have

simply

lost

my

family

because

of

who

I

am

Reply

Daniel

K

November

at

AM

Advice

is

a

dangerous

thing

to

give

and

you

already

have

a

therapist

however

as

someone

who

has

never

had

a

relationship

much

less

a

marriage

and

is

on

the

spectrum

Ill

give

it

a

shot

Your

post

sounds

a

lot

like

the

concepts

that

I

go

over

in

my

addiction

recovery

meeting

both

yours

AND

your

wifes

So

many

addicts

get

wrapped

up

in

themselves

they

dont

realize

the

real

damage

they

inflict

on

those

around

them

While

your

not

an

addcit

the

damage

done

to

your

wife

sounds

similar

Look

for

a

good

support

group

for

your

wife

Reply

A

I

April

at

PM

Hi

I

was

wondering

if

youd

be

willing

to

give

me

some

advice

insight

pertaining

to

improving

communication

w

an

AS

partner

I

understand

that

everyone

is

different

both

people

on

the

spectrum

as

well

as

the

neurotypical

individuals

however

maybe

you

could

offer

some

insight

into

the

AS

thinking

process

Your

post

resonated

with

me

Thanks

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

April

at

AM

Dear

AI

If

you

would

like

to

consult

with

a

mental

health

professional

please

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpwwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

a

list

of

therapists

and

counselors

who

meet

your

criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

to

view

our

members

full

profiles

and

contact

the

therapists

themselves

for

more

information

You

are

also

welcome

to

call

us

for

assistance

finding

a

therapist

We

are

in

the

office

Monday

through

Friday

from

am

to

pm

Pacific

Time

our

phone

number

is

ext

Kind

regards

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

NP

April

at

AM

Dear

AI

L

M

May

at

AM

I

am

curious

hopeless

husband

about

how

many

Ive

changed

Im

trying

I

dont

mean

to

do

these

things

I

promise

Ill

be

different

and

the

worst

one

Im

really

sorry

scenarios

there

were

in

your

marriage

before

your

wife

checked

out

Im

one

that

checked

out

you

make

it

sound

like

your

partner

wasnt

trying

but

only

after

YEARS

of

these

scenarios

empty

promises

that

are

forgotten

the

next

day

Im

sorry

then

another

childish

bout

of

arguments

then

Im

sorry

again

and

so

on

and

so

on

so

often

I

cant

stand

hearing

the

word

anymore

from

Reply

Sarah

September

at

AM

Reply

Pilgrim

October

at

AM

Dear

Sarah

Thats

a

lovely

story

Im

one

of

the

people

reading

this

article

a

leaver

and

your

story

just

makes

me

wish

Id

read

the

article

earlier

in

fact

found

out

about

AS

much

earlier

and

then

I

could

have

tried

out

some

of

the

ways

of

coping

with

an

AS

spouse

So

while

I

am

glad

that

you

have

had

this

experience

it

makes

me

along

with

many

others

like

me

very

sad

because

we

were

not

believed

enough

at

the

right

time

to

be

able

to

get

the

help

we

needed

and

so

we

face

a

life

of

loneliness

Reply

Josie

October

at

AM

I

so

appreciate

finding

this

post

Ive

gone

back

and

forth

in

my

mind

about

staying

or

going

I

recently

found

a

book

in

the

bargain

section

at

my

Barnes

and

Noble

bookseller

in

Florida

that

has

helped

me

too

Its

called

Living

Successfully

with

Screwed

Up

People

by

Elizabeth

R

Brown

Headline

on

the

back

says

Why

are

the

people

I

care

about

the

ones

who

give

me

the

most

grief

A

lot

of

good

coping

skills

I

deal

with

my

narcissistic

mother

and

Aspie

husband

Learning

its

not

always

just

me

or

them

but

how

we

react

and

Reply

Stacy

October

at

AM

Thank

you

so

much

for

this

blog

With

very

few

exceptions

this

is

my

marriage

of

years

I

am

at

a

point

where

my

husband

has

depression

and

is

ready

for

a

change

again

I

am

tired

lonely

tired

of

being

his

the

responsible

one

I

am

just

weary

No

matter

what

I

do

it

is

never

enough

and

he

never

days

thank

you

or

boo

My

children

are

in

varying

stages

as

they

are

spread

out

The

representation

of

how

my

children

treat

me

or

see

me

seems

to

be

accurate

in

general

Our

daughter

first

born

has

AS

and

understands

and

is

able

to

verbalize

her

struggles

to

me

I

am

so

grateful

for

this

relationship

She

loves

me

dearly

and

resents

her

dad

and

how

he

has

treated

me

or

Anyway

thank

you

again

for

writing

this

I

am

about

to

seek

professional

help

so

I

can

talk

to

someone

who

can

help

me

find

me

and

find

my

happy

again

Reply

JereDM

October

at

PM

His

family

lives

in

another

country

and

when

I

first

met

his

mother

wo

was

a

nurse

for

years

she

told

me

that

my

husband

had

always

been

a

difficult

child

and

did

not

connect

well

to

others

and

that

she

was

happy

he

had

met

me

I

thought

nothing

more

that

he

was

a

stubborn

personality

Last

week

we

were

sitting

watching

TV

and

he

tells

me

jokingly

that

he

believes

that

he

may

have

a

mild

form

of

autism

AS

to

be

exact

because

he

has

a

hard

time

forming

relations

with

his

clients

and

has

to

work

so

hard

to

fake

it

I

was

like

WHAT

I

could

not

contain

myself

I

immediately

ran

to

the

office

to

research

this

so

called

AS

and

was

so

emotionally

overwhelmed

I

was

relieved

that

maybe

my

husband

wasnt

purposely

an

asshole

I

found

comfort

knowing

that

is

was

never

intentional

on

his

part

The

criticism

emotional

neglect

and

arrogance

was

not

his

fault

Now

that

Ive

had

the

time

to

reflect

on

this

I

believe

that

he

has

always

known

and

has

withheld

that

information

from

me

and

I

feeling

betrayed

trapped

and

angry

because

I

do

not

understand

AS

I

wish

I

had

known

and

been

given

a

choice

The

years

of

suffering

alone

and

crying

myself

to

sleep

most

nights

Afraid

of

being

myself

under

his

watchful

eye

in

fear

of

being

corrected

and

disapproval

I

life

in

one

room

and

he

lives

in

his

office

We

meet

for

breakfast

and

dinner

and

have

pleasant

conversations

on

topics

of

interest

to

Reply

Ludmila

October

at

PM

Youre

asking

if

they

love

In

my

opinion

not

in

the

way

NT

people

do

Definitely

they

would

take

you

out

of

the

house

on

fire

Temple

Grandins

words

but

they

can

not

keep

any

form

of

emotional

connection

with

a

woman

It

seems

to

be

rather

like

momson

relationship

However

they

need

us

more

than

their

mothers

because

we

are

their

assistants

and

a

kind

of

link

with

the

outside

world

Thanks

to

us

they

can

survive

and

pretend

to

be

normal

If

you

can

go

away

If

you

cant

remember

you

need

to

have

your

own

money

to

have

your

own

socializing

not

have

children

a

sex

out

of

the

marriage

from

time

to

time

to

make

your

life

a

little

more

bearable

I

have

been

with

my

aspie

for

years

now

Reply

Аня

И

April

at

PM

Ludmila

Was

wondering

if

youd

be

willing

to

talk

to

me

share

your

experience

regarding

your

relationship

w

an

AS

partner

Im

falling

in

love

w

someone

w

AS

he

hasnt

revealed

it

to

me

yet

but

the

signs

are

clearly

there

and

Im

pretty

sure

he

knows

he

has

it

Hes

one

of

the

brightestintelligent

kindest

honest

most

brilliant

individuals

Ive

ever

come

across

who

also

happens

to

have

an

impeccable

work

ethic

We

have

a

v

strong

connection

and

have

been

close

for

several

years

now

However

reading

all

the

testimonials

on

this

forum

is

terrifying

to

say

the

least

especially

as

Im

pondering

what

our

future

together

would

look

like

I

do

not

have

any

desire

to

have

children

Your

comment

about

the

AS

person

being

incapable

of

feeling

love

in

a

universally

acknowledged

way

traditionally

understood

sense

engaging

in

a

mutual

emotional

reciprocity

resonated

w

me

to

be

honest

scared

me

Ive

read

a

lot

of

informative

articles

listened

to

a

ton

of

lectures

now

im

finally

reading

about

NTs

ASDs

individual

experiences

so

that

I

can

get

the

perspective

from

both

sides

Talking

to

someone

who

has

lived

w

a

AS

partner

for

many

years

might

provide

some

clarity

insight

in

addition

to

possibly

providing

mutual

support

over

some

of

the

shared

experiences

for

both

of

us

Thanks

again

Lizzie

April

at

AM

Dear

jereDM

So

much

of

your

experience

resonates

with

me

However

regarding

your

husbands

jokey

disclosure

that

he

may

have

a

mild

form

of

Autism

I

think

it

was

very

brave

and

open

of

him

to

tell

you

that

I

think

it

unlikely

he

would

have

been

deliberately

withholding

such

information

from

you

all

these

years

He

probably

just

didnt

know

about

it

My

husband

was

diagnosed

in

his

early

fifties

only

four

years

ago

and

there

must

be

so

many

people

of

his

generation

still

undiagnosed

Most

of

us

whether

NT

or

AS

assume

that

it

is

we

ourselves

who

are

Reply

Jess

H

October

at

AM

Reply

Win

December

at

PM

Jess

you

have

such

good

coping

skills

and

stick

to

your

gun

when

yu

respect

and

honour

your

personal

needs

If

things

were

toooo

bad

youd

have

left

Yes

all

very

similar

in

my

relationship

and

I

did

walkwas

also

betrayed

Your

man

will

probably

behave

the

way

you

expect

o

the

financial

front

so

look

at

the

positives

and

live

parallel

as

possible

If

children

are

involved

you

may

lose

double

I

never

thought

it

would

happen

but

I

am

now

estranged

from

a

daughter

who

has

misconstrued

everything

Even

less

than

perfect

relationships

can

lend

energy

to

the

Reply

Sammy

October

at

PM

Im

a

female

with

ASD

and

can

only

warn

you

to

stick

to

dating

nonAspies

We

can

not

change

the

way

our

beains

work

any

more

than

you

can

In

the

long

run

ASDNT

relationships

end

in

pain

if

not

worse

Reply

Win

December

at

PM

WOW

this

is

strength

from

you

Reply

Anymouse

October

at

AM

Im

an

Aspie

but

Im

a

woman

Im

not

that

romantic

I

guess

but

I

love

celebrating

birthdays

and

anniversaries

I

know

I

miss

some

emotional

things

or

get

overly

emotion

so

at

times

I

guess

Im

why

all

my

relationships

have

failed

The

worst

relationship

I

had

was

with

an

Aspie

guy

but

the

issue

was

he

was

too

emotional

and

made

a

big

deal

out

of

every

small

thing

Guess

I

should

break

up

with

my

current

NT

boyfriend

before

I

ruin

his

life

and

swear

off

relationships

Reply

Win

December

at

PM

My

inlaws

managed

to

stay

together

acknowledging

their

differences

and

sleeping

in

separate

bedrooms

Reply

Kathy

December

at

PM

That

is

great

if

you

can

choose

that

life

and

be

happy

But

it

is

not

a

life

for

everyone

Living

with

AS

spouse

is

not

easy

The

world

do

not

know

the

difficulties

you

have

to

endure

It

also

wear

on

your

emotions

and

eventually

it

will

break

you

Win

December

at

PM

I

know

that

personally

Kathy

and

left

ago

after

yrs

of

stonewalling

and

emotional

loneliness

etc

etc

I

knowmany

people

on

the

spectrum

now

each

situation

is

very

different

yet

the

similarities

abound

particularly

in

relationships

Many

on

the

spectrum

can

not

be

introspective

Daisy

November

at

PM

My

dear

dear

friends

and

companions

on

this

literal

souldestroying

journey

I

have

been

married

to

two

men

with

AS

Yes

TWO

How

could

I

make

the

same

mistake

twice

Well

I

didnt

know

what

I

was

dealing

with

back

then

I

remember

hearing

about

AS

at

school

in

the

Do

you

remember

how

someone

with

AS

was

described

as

wearing

an

anorak

standing

on

a

railway

station

platform

taking

down

the

numbers

of

all

the

trains

going

by

I

specifically

remember

thinking

Oh

well

Im

going

to

steer

well

clear

of

anyone

fitting

that

description

then

Butneither

of

Over

recent

years

I

have

endured

multiple

panic

attacks

per

week

on

the

scale

of

PTSD

I

have

also

had

difficulty

swallowing

my

food

to

the

degree

that

I

have

often

choked

to

near

death

on

a

daily

basis

all

due

to

anxiety

I

have

had

tremors

in

my

limbs

due

to

anxiety

I

was

prescribed

Diazapam

in

which

was

increased

to

in

The

reason

for

the

increase

was

due

to

a

panic

attack

I

endured

on

a

train

the

effects

of

which

lasted

days

I

cant

board

trains

anymore

The

reason

I

am

writing

though

is

that

last

year

I

tried

to

leave

my

husband

I

had

planned

my

escape

two

weeks

prior

and

had

the

car

packed

with

necessities

for

days

Clothes

toilet

paper

water

food

personal

belongings

I

wont

reiterate

the

reasons

why

in

my

particular

situation

because

its

all

written

in

previous

comments

I

left

quietly

and

calmly

whilst

he

watched

on

Unfortunately

though

after

driving

for

minutes

I

became

very

ill

It

wasnt

a

panic

attack

rather

it

was

something

else

that

I

didnt

understand

as

I

had

never

experienced

it

before

Since

then

I

have

become

stronger

and

I

hope

to

leave

successfully

this

time

after

Christmas

but

this

time

I

am

making

a

more

dedicated

preparation

for

the

event

I

have

employed

a

LifeCoach

for

this

specific

purpose

When

I

leave

I

plan

to

have

a

job

to

go

to

and

a

flat

or

rented

accommodation

to

live

in

not

to

mention

continued

LifeCoaching

support

Reply

Lisa

December

at

PM

Thanks

Reply

Keigan

December

at

AM

The

article

is

describing

Casandra

Syndrome

lack

of

emotional

reciprocity

between

the

couple

the

second

loss

is

that

the

kids

have

poor

examples

to

learn

from

Reply

Marti

December

at

AM

Wowso

much

this

I

have

been

grappling

for

years

to

try

and

understand

what

the

heck

is

going

on

in

my

marriage

and

this

is

exactly

it

I

mean

exactly

Though

so

miserably

depressing

I

feel

like

I

am

on

a

runaway

mine

car

with

no

hope

of

escaping

the

catastrophic

crash

at

the

end

And

our

daughter

is

diagnosed

as

autistic

as

well

so

I

have

her

to

deal

with

two

and

I

am

exhausted

and

so

drained

and

empty

Reply

Lizzie

January

at

AM

Reply

Win

March

at

PM

What

a

good

experience

to

share

no

marriage

is

easy

or

rarely

Min

would

have

been

more

like

yours

had

my

hubby

accepted

the

situation

or

my

experience

of

it

Instead

I

was

blames

and

gas

lighted

He

married

after

the

affair

with

my

friend

so

of

course

she

understands

from

the

start

Win

January

at

AM

Keep

learning

reading

and

building

your

resilience

and

you

will

find

the

way

Reply

Josie

December

at

AM

I

relate

very

much

to

so

many

of

these

comments

Im

so

tired

after

another

Christmas

with

my

aspie

husband

of

years

Im

now

More

this

year

than

ever

his

lack

of

generosity

and

excess

of

pride

comes

through

A

family

tradition

the

white

elephant

gift

exchange

and

he

was

in

charge

of

the

gift

he

dug

around

in

our

garage

and

found

a

spool

of

ribbon

he

thought

would

make

a

great

gift

for

someone

I

added

some

good

chocolate

to

it

but

was

embarrassed

to

wrap

it

He

argued

it

would

be

fine

and

somebody

would

I

used

to

be

a

generous

giving

person

Because

of

his

controlling

ways

which

he

denies

constantly

I

have

become

as

stingy

and

lonely

as

him

I

try

to

make

friends

on

my

own

but

because

my

self

esteem

is

so

low

I

only

seem

to

get

around

people

as

messed

up

as

me

We

moved

back

to

our

home

town

years

ago

and

Ive

found

a

few

jobs

but

because

I

have

some

physical

issues

partly

due

to

my

weight

I

cant

do

as

much

physically

as

many

jobs

require

and

I

also

am

not

a

fast

worker

I

see

my

past

behavior

as

rebelling

from

his

control

I

ate

and

spent

more

than

I

should

have

because

he

was

always

so

controlling

in

those

areas

Not

the

best

way

to

react

but

its

what

I

did

He

loves

to

remind

me

that

he

could

have

left

me

or

taken

control

of

the

finances

but

didnt

Lucky

me

Sorry

for

my

rambling

Ive

been

wanting

to

respond

for

days

and

have

so

much

to

say

and

would

also

love

to

be

with

an

Aspie

Wives

Club

in

my

Florida

town

God

bless

us

all

Im

feeling

sad

about

the

future

and

hoping

things

improve

soon

for

all

of

us

somehow

Reply

Pilgrim

December

at

AM

If

youve

been

married

for

so

long

Id

try

to

stay

married

I

got

divorced

at

that

stage

it

has

been

hell

trying

to

reconstruct

a

life

really

difficult

even

almost

years

on

This

time

of

year

I

just

feel

as

though

there

is

someone

missing

because

there

is

My

grief

is

a

lot

worse

than

being

married

was

I

have

no

idea

how

to

repair

myself

Explore

every

avenue

before

you

jump

Reply

Josie

January

at

AM

Thanks

Pilgrim

I

think

youre

right

Too

much

time

has

passed

Im

not

strong

enough

to

live

alone

even

though

sometimes

it

feels

like

I

do

I

need

to

create

a

better

separate

life

for

myself

within

the

marriage

as

it

is

I

think

of

cheating

at

times

but

whod

have

me

I

feel

so

beaten

down

though

not

physically

the

wounds

are

deep

Some

think

we

have

a

great

marriage

I

joined

a

CODA

group

but

would

like

feedback

and

its

not

how

the

group

works

Pilgrim

January

at

AM

Best

of

luck

Josie

Have

you

seen

the

Delphi

forums

support

group

for

spouses

of

AS

people

You

might

find

that

joining

that

will

give

you

the

feedback

and

companionship

you

need

Theres

one

for

divorced

one

for

stillmarried

is

based

in

the

US

Theres

also

another

group

called

Differenttogether

for

spouses

of

AS

I

think

based

in

the

UK

On

these

sites

you

can

really

have

a

rant

not

feel

so

alone

in

needing

to

With

best

wishes

Pilgrim

Reply

Josie

January

at

AM

Thanks

Pilgrim

I

checked

out

the

Delphi

Forums

I

didnt

know

that

platform

was

still

around

It

was

helpful

thanks

I

go

back

and

forth

sometimes

reading

all

this

stuff

takes

me

to

a

very

sad

dark

place

of

no

hope

Other

times

it

is

good

to

not

feel

so

alone

Reply

Sarah

January

at

PM

I

left

my

Aspie

husband

in

April

last

year

after

wanting

to

leave

for

years

we

were

together

for

all

together

and

have

kids

Divorce

is

different

with

an

Aspie

he

was

upset

for

a

couple

of

months

but

now

everything

has

settled

down

and

hes

very

contented

and

is

enjoying

dating

again

He

tells

me

all

the

ins

and

outs

of

whatever

goes

on

in

his

social

dating

life

and

we

have

a

genuinely

close

and

affectionate

friendship

which

is

very

different

from

the

resentful

pretence

of

the

marriage

I

have

been

seeing

a

lovely

neurotypical

Reply

Lizzie

January

at

AM

Sorry

if

this

is

a

silly

question

but

what

is

OTRS

Reply

Karen

January

at

AM

Wow

I

feel

like

Ive

been

winded

I

am

from

the

UK

and

have

been

married

for

years

to

my

Canadian

husband

we

are

in

our

and

both

have

past

failed

marriages

I

moved

to

Canada

to

be

with

him

and

I

am

very

lonely

I

have

managed

to

make

some

friends

but

the

ones

we

had

as

a

couple

he

is

fallen

out

with

so

I

visit

friends

alone

He

doesnt

like

anyone

This

is

a

relief

to

read

as

I

have

my

answer

My

daughter

was

over

visiting

from

Christmas

and

we

talked

and

it

was

Reply

Lizzie

January

at

AM

Karen

there

are

loads

of

information

websites

to

help

understand

the

triad

of

impairments

ie

difficulties

with

social

interaction

social

communication

and

social

imagination

which

affect

people

with

Aspergers

There

is

an

online

test

which

you

can

do

called

the

Autism

Quotient

or

AQ

test

If

you

score

above

a

certain

number

it

is

an

indication

not

a

diagnosis

of

being

on

the

autistic

spectrum

and

can

help

towards

seeking

an

official

diagnosis

You

could

do

the

test

yourself

purely

as

an

excercise

then

tell

your

husband

about

it

and

see

if

he

is

curious

about

taking

it

himself

Reply

Joan

C

January

at

AM

Check

out

the

book

ASPERGERS

IN

LOVE

by

Maine

Aston

c

is

the

one

I

just

started

reading

Reply

Claire

C

January

at

PM

Reply

Kathy

January

at

AM

Claire

I

am

so

sorry

to

hear

you

have

gone

through

so

much

I

think

you

will

need

to

let

this

relationship

go

soon

because

from

what

you

wrote

it

will

never

be

what

you

want

it

to

be

I

too

married

a

AS

man

he

was

strange

in

his

responses

but

I

never

knew

until

last

year

my

son

was

diagnosed

then

I

knew

his

dad

was

the

same

I

am

filing

for

a

divorce

because

I

know

he

can

not

change

his

genetic

make

up

only

try

to

implement

ways

of

handling

himself

in

the

world

It

is

Reply

Claire

C

January

at

PM

Kathy

thank

you

so

much

for

your

timethe

response

Ive

received

is

so

reassuringIve

cried

so

much

today

perhaps

ive

really

woken

up

to

the

sheer

reality

of

my

situationIm

so

tired

exhausted

and

can

not

express

enough

how

sad

I

amits

his

birthday

on

Monday

so

feeling

super

sensitiveIm

a

business

woman

who

has

been

successful

for

got

so

much

common

sense

in

my

everyday

life

and

can

live

quite

strongly

and

have

lots

of

confidenceI

know

right

from

wronghe

absolutely

saddens

me

to

the

core

your

righthe

will

never

grasp

the

true

concept

of

what

he

has

White

Linda

January

at

PM

Would

you

allow

a

child

of

yours

to

be

treated

this

way

Remember

that

deep

inside

you

is

your

inner

child

who

is

looking

for

your

love

forgiveness

and

protection

Find

a

photo

of

you

when

you

were

young

and

carefree

Look

st

that

lovely

innocent

childthen

answer

the

question

Reply

Claire

C

January

at

AM

Dear

White

Linda

Thank

you

so

much

for

your

lovely

kind

words

it

means

so

much

and

that

someone

out

there

genuinely

caresYoure

reply

is

so

how

feel

inside

I

want

desperately

to

go

back

to

my

previous

fun

loving

happy

selfyour

photo

suggestion

has

really

touched

meI

found

a

photo

and

burst

into

tears

realising

Im

grieving

for

the

loss

of

meWhat

a

wonderful

way

to

express

it

I

wouldnt

allow

any

person

animal

to

hurt

as

much

as

I

am

and

yet

Im

neglecting

myself

chronicallyIve

so

much

empathy

its

crazy

Ive

been

know

to

cry

at

the

Rugrats

You

have

given

me

a

whole

new

angle

to

work

with

hereAlready

I

feel

a

sense

of

relief

that

little

girl

needs

saving

Cant

deny

I

not

crying

hereI

wonder

sometimes

where

they

all

come

from

thank

you

again

xx

Reply

Ludmila

January

at

PM

Claire

C

there

are

many

of

us

who

understand

and

support

you

Step

by

step

youll

manage

to

free

yourself

See

your

therapist

regularly

and

visit

this

side

to

update

us

with

the

progress

I

hug

you

and

kiss

you

x

Amy

January

at

PM

White

Linda

you

are

so

right

I

would

never

allow

my

child

to

be

treated

this

way

Although

I

recently

ended

things

with

my

husband

your

comment

brings

me

inner

peace

Thank

you

Reply

Claire

C

January

at

PM

Dear

Ludmila

Thank

you

for

your

kind

replyI

cant

wait

to

see

my

therepist

on

WednesdayI

just

want

all

these

sad

feelings

to

go

awayI

cant

seem

to

stop

cryingI

spoke

to

him

last

night

he

actually

picked

up

i

wanted

to

see

if

he

would

like

to

meet

up

for

his

birthday

told

me

he

didnt

care

about

his

birthday

and

that

I

should

go

out

meet

my

friends

and

to

draw

a

line

under

it

i

asked

why

he

bought

me

such

lovely

flowers

just

to

leave

me

all

over

againthere

is

really

no

understandingempathy

at

all

just

constant

in

his

view

of

my

bad

behaviour

and

he

promptly

hung

upI

was

doing

some

more

reading

and

realized

Im

suffering

from

lack

of

touch

which

is

not

surprisinga

real

issueI

am

truly

grateful

for

being

able

to

be

so

honest

with

people

who

understand

total

strangers

yet

you

have

all

given

me

so

much

support

and

kindness

much

more

than

anyone

in

my

Reply

Jill

January

at

PM

This

is

absolutely

totally

my

story

What

I

need

now

is

advise

on

healing

Please

post

a

follow

up

with

strategy

for

after

the

divorce

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

February

at

PM

Hello

Jill

thank

you

for

the

suggestion

I

will

get

to

work

on

an

article

about

strategies

for

healing

after

the

divorce

Reply

Sarah

February

at

AM

Hope

on

the

horizon

Dear

everyone

on

the

site

I

know

many

of

you

are

at

the

point

where

you

know

you

have

to

get

divorced

and

it

seems

so

scary

and

such

a

hurdle

I

was

in

this

place

a

year

ago

after

years

of

living

with

Aspergers

and

finally

left

last

April

But

take

heart

you

can

get

out

and

at

some

point

you

will

also

find

and

have

sex

with

a

neurotypical

man

and

it

is

absolutely

mindblowing

You

forget

when

your

only

point

of

sexual

contact

is

with

Aspergers

what

sex

with

a

nice

neurotypical

is

like

stroking

being

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

February

at

PM

Sarah

Im

so

glad

to

see

your

post

Yes

the

possibilities

are

exciting

once

the

hurdles

are

cleared

and

healing

has

taken

its

course

Reply

Dorothy

February

at

AM

I

filed

for

divorce

from

my

undiagnosed

Aspie

spouse

in

and

we

have

been

living

apart

for

over

a

year

with

our

divorce

final

last

summer

The

other

day

my

middle

daughter

shes

greeted

her

boyfriend

at

the

door

Hello

Missy

he

said

to

her

How

was

your

day

In

the

over

years

that

I

spent

with

my

ex

I

never

heard

him

use

a

term

of

endearment

around

me

I

became

Mother

but

not

one

honey

darling

sweetheart

or

babe

I

used

lots

of

terms

of

endearment

with

him

and

our

kids

but

was

never

treated

Reply

Sarah

February

at

AM

Hi

Dorothy

this

post

about

names

actually

made

me

laugh

My

Aspie

did

come

up

with

a

nickname

for

me

a

month

or

so

into

the

relationship

Chux

It

didnt

relate

to

anything

we

ever

discussed

and

it

became

like

an

ominous

label

Chux

do

this

Chux

do

that

time

for

sex

now

Chux

I

used

to

feel

it

symbolised

that

my

whole

personality

had

been

chucked

So

I

had

this

one

nickname

but

it

was

actually

suffocating

and

I

hated

it

My

new

NT

boyfriend

has

about

different

names

he

uses

for

me

he

just

swaps

them

around

Sarah

February

at

AM

Dorothy

I

have

copied

out

your

words

Life

is

too

short

to

feel

bereft

on

a

daily

basis

of

experiencing

normal

kindness

and

consideration

from

those

with

whom

we

share

our

lives

I

had

years

with

mine

you

mention

the

whole

postmortem

thing

we

NTs

do

Ive

been

doing

that

for

years

I

dont

know

whether

it

is

entirely

healthy

of

me

but

I

read

sites

like

this

a

LOT

to

reassure

myself

that

my

own

story

really

DID

happen

Dead

eyes

monotone

voice

YES

I

had

that

So

Im

glad

I

continued

to

postmortem

enough

to

read

Claire

C

February

at

PM

Hello

again

I

thought

I

would

share

that

I

saw

my

therepist

again

and

in

all

honesty

chose

well

she

has

been

very

supportive

with

her

quite

direct

views

at

times

one

being

hes

actually

been

quite

sadistic

on

many

of

his

views

and

she

has

strongly

agreed

he

does

come

across

as

an

AspieI

saw

him

midweek

to

walk

the

dogs

it

was

awkwardI

did

my

usual

watched

what

I

said

and

kept

it

lighton

getting

back

he

had

bought

me

tea

and

even

made

me

a

sandwich

He

is

a

gifted

musician

and

had

two

gigs

this

weekend

Ive

been

twice

now

to

spiritual

healers

it

has

calmed

me

down

alot

and

carried

on

being

honest

with

two

close

friendsI

rang

him

tonight

and

declined

going

to

the

gig

said

I

was

tired

and

he

hadnt

called

me

anywaysame

old

typical

response

I

was

out

of

order

etc

told

him

did

not

ring

to

argue

just

a

courtesy

call

to

tell

him

I

would

not

be

goingand

put

phone

downDeep

down

wanted

to

do

that

Sarah

I

read

your

post

before

I

made

that

call

that

is

exactly

where

I

want

to

get

back

tooI

was

married

before

for

he

was

NT

and

yes

we

ran

our

course

but

we

did

have

fun

lots

of

laughing

and

just

being

silly

spontaneous

too

I

know

what

I

want

deep

down

and

by

being

honest

to

you

guys

that

really

understand

has

totally

made

me

understand

This

is

no

life

Ive

come

to

realize

I

can

offer

him

all

the

help

I

possibly

can

but

he

will

never

get

me

and

I

can

not

never

help

Reply

Anna

February

at

PM

It

was

good

for

me

to

read

all

of

these

comments

tonight

I

had

never

heard

of

Aspergers

until

a

friend

mentioned

it

I

was

trying

to

figure

out

what

was

going

on

with

my

husband

So

much

of

what

all

of

you

have

written

fits

me

too

I

am

relieved

to

read

it

but

am

so

confused

about

what

to

do

or

where

to

turn

I

feel

trapped

like

a

caged

animal

I

want

to

leave

probably

will

soon

We

have

no

children

together

so

that

is

not

a

concern

but

I

do

feel

sad

about

this

because

he

Reply

Adriana

February

at

PM

Hi

Anna

I

understand

exactly

what

you

mean

I

am

in

the

same

situation

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

February

at

PM

Hello

everyone

It

saddens

me

to

read

all

the

pain

in

the

comments

here

yet

I

am

encouraged

by

the

loving

support

that

is

being

offered

There

is

no

easy

answer

to

these

issues

as

everyone

here

knows

Good

counseling

support

can

help

you

You

are

not

alone

in

your

struggles

as

the

comments

here

will

attest

I

send

wishes

for

peace

to

all

Trust

yourself

Reply

Sarah

February

at

AM

Anna

my

experience

has

been

that

there

is

significantly

less

grief

and

trauma

when

you

leave

an

Aspergers

relationship

than

a

normal

relationship

for

the

Aspie

if

you

handle

it

with

care

and

sensitivity

You

need

to

explain

exactly

what

has

happened

and

more

importantly

what

is

going

to

happen

and

you

need

with

boundaries

to

give

them

security

and

care

in

the

leaving

period

and

the

aftermath

But

if

they

have

a

map

of

what

is

going

on

and

they

understand

you

are

still

there

for

them

the

turnaround

period

to

readjusting

is

relatively

quick

My

exhusband

was

very

Reply

Dorothy

February

at

AM

When

my

marriage

fell

apart

which

disintegrated

over

a

period

of

years

my

ex

left

the

building

emotionally

long

before

the

truck

pulled

up

to

carry

his

possessions

to

his

new

abode

I

on

the

other

hand

was

dazed

and

saddened

by

what

happened

and

fatigued

by

the

long

arc

of

disappointment

and

disillusion

that

was

part

of

the

end

of

our

marital

union

I

do

think

the

Aspie

tends

to

do

better

after

divorce

because

they

havent

been

gas

lit

they

havent

had

their

thoughts

and

feelings

discounted

and

dismissed

no

the

Aspie

is

off

to

their

new

prey

Reply

Sarah

February

at

AM

Hi

Dorothy

I

think

my

situation

was

different

from

yours

in

that

I

had

young

children

with

him

the

youngest

of

whom

was

only

when

I

left

So

I

have

had

to

organise

our

ongoing

lives

with

that

in

mind

Just

practically

he

needed

to

be

supported

because

he

effectively

became

a

father

to

the

kids

at

the

age

of

and

it

was

very

sudden

and

a

shock

So

he

needed

to

learn

how

to

share

care

he

had

always

refused

and

I

had

to

support

him

in

that

learning

curve

for

my

kids

wellbeing

Reply

Kelly

L

S

February

at

PM

My

husband

passed

away

six

months

agohe

was

undiagnosedi

lived

this

article

for

yearsim

heartbrokenI

loved

him

so

much

we

tried

to

see

a

therapist

and

i

broke

down

after

the

first

few

minutes

because

he

was

putting

on

such

a

masked

show

I

knew

it

was

not

going

to

helpIm

only

now

learning

things

I

wish

we

had

knownit

would

have

helped

so

muchnow

im

the

one

who

needs

help

Reply

Kelly

L

S

February

at

PM

And

today

is

my

birthday

Reply

Claire

C

February

at

PM

Dear

Kelly

Im

so

so

sorry

for

youre

absolutely

brutal

situationIm

absolutely

devastated

for

youthey

are

so

lovable

but

infuriating

all

at

onceI

feel

cheated

no

end

but

also

grateful

that

he

is

an

Aspieif

he

had

had

affairs

etc

I

would

be

devestatedIts

a

lonely

life

with

these

guystalk

talk

and

talk

its

been

a

salvation

for

meso

glad

I

found

this

site

painful

but

Ive

been

understoodat

lastwasnt

mad

after

all

Im

thinking

of

you

and

sending

you

lots

of

love

please

try

and

be

strong

easier

said

than

done

I

knowAny

loss

Is

appalling

but

loosing

a

partner

is

Sheri

March

at

AM

Reply

Amy

March

at

PM

Aww

SheriI

may

not

have

a

child

on

the

spectrum

but

my

husband

is

I

recently

threw

him

out

It

just

got

to

be

too

much

for

me

He

also

has

severe

depression

and

anxiety

that

has

made

him

impossible

to

cope

with

Also

he

way

he

with

the

kids

is

very

concerning

to

me

Anyway

you

said

you

dont

know

how

to

make

things

better

or

more

manageable

I

think

you

need

to

stop

taking

on

all

the

responsibilities

and

burdens

of

your

home

and

relationship

Demand

him

to

go

to

marriage

counseling

and

see

if

that

helps

Reply

vett

April

at

PM

Oh

Sherry

vett

Reply

Daisy

May

at

AM

Vett

I

couldnt

have

put

it

better

myself

You

have

stated

your

experience

very

well

indeed

and

it

is

a

crime

that

this

is

the

experience

of

thousands

of

women

woldwide

I

am

working

towards

having

my

own

place

in

the

Autumn

this

year

I

will

live

there

for

months

each

year

and

then

return

to

the

marital

home

for

the

other

months

At

least

thi

is

the

intention

My

children

have

left

home

now

and

I

am

years

old

Maybe

I

wont

return

after

the

first

months

has

gone

Who

knows

I

wondered

how

it

vett

May

at

PM

Daisy

Thank

you

so

much

for

your

kind

words

I

am

grateful

I

have

people

to

believe

me

now

I

was

never

actually

on

my

own

since

i

was

married

but

to

have

an

escape

to

go

to

has

been

my

saving

grace

or

maybe

I

would

have

divorced

and

saved

myself

I

dont

know

I

do

have

more

to

say

but

I

will

save

it

for

now

Daisy

your

going

to

love

your

six

months

away

and

i

AM

SO

VERY

HAPPY

FOR

YOU

It

makes

me

happy

to

know

your

getting

away

You

go

and

you

do

what

you

like

and

FLY

TRY

OUT

THOSE

WINGS

YOU

WILL

LOVE

IT

Thank

You

again

Daisy

vett

I

had

to

redo

this

a

couple

times

I

began

to

ramble

and

this

was

a

novel

LOLthere

is

so

much

to

this

like

i

always

was

and

still

am

under

the

dark

cloud

of

the

aspie

but

i

am

trying

to

get

away

Linda

W

March

at

AM

Oh

Sheri

hugs

to

you

I

am

in

a

second

marriage

to

a

year

old

in

denial

Aspergersand

now

he

is

aging

and

has

health

issues

currently

not

life

threatening

but

leave

him

isolating

himself

from

activities

people

and

more

and

more

foods

that

dont

agree

with

him

I

figured

out

with

the

help

of

a

friend

that

he

is

Asperger

s

The

comforting

thing

about

this

knowledge

is

that

at

least

I

now

dont

think

Im

going

mad

and

I

understand

so

much

more

of

why

things

are

so

chaotichugs

and

more

hugs

Sheri

you

are

not

alone

Reply

Jonathan

March

at

AM

Hi

Sheri

Im

so

sorry

for

your

hurt

I

empthise

with

your

situation

Things

got

so

bad

for

me

last

year

with

elevated

blood

pressure

and

depression

from

my

year

old

marriage

to

my

undiagnosed

ASP

wife

she

was

wholly

resistant

to

the

concept

that

even

my

doctor

and

psychologist

were

pointing

out

to

me

that

my

wifes

one

of

my

daughters

condition

was

incurable

and

that

I

should

consider

separation

and

I

did

Now

I

am

free

and

newly

divorced

and

life

has

improved

greatly

I

still

love

my

family

it

helps

greatly

that

my

ex

and

I

are

determined

to

get

on

Dont

extend

yourself

to

the

point

where

you

have

nothing

left

Sheri

it

isnt

worth

it

Chin

up

Reply

April

March

at

AM

The

article

and

all

the

comments

are

my

exact

words

and

the

story

of

my

life

I

know

a

lot

of

the

comments

say

that

you

have

to

find

a

counselor

that

is

educated

in

this

type

of

behavior

Where

do

we

go

Who

do

we

see

How

do

we

find

someone

to

help

In

my

heart

I

have

checked

out

of

my

marriage

But

if

there

was

some

way

to

save

it

I

would

like

to

try

My

husband

has

not

been

diagnosed

Who

can

we

go

to

to

get

that

figured

out

Do

we

keep

trying

multiple

places

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

MA

LMHC

March

at

AM

Hello

April

Im

glad

my

writing

is

meaningful

to

you

yet

I

am

sorry

to

hear

of

your

distress

This

is

a

specialized

area

of

counseling

and

coaching

If

you

would

like

to

work

with

me

for

example

you

may

contact

me

through

my

Good

Therapy

profile

I

send

you

warm

regards

Reply

Tammy

March

at

PM

It

breaks

my

heart

to

read

this

article

and

the

other

beautiful

soils

who

find

themselves

in

this

situation

the

loneliness

inside

an

aspie

relationshipmarriage

is

far

more

painful

then

anyone

not

in

one

could

imagineits

like

you

are

always

looking

at

a

distorted

view

of

reality

One

in

which

the

previous

you

has

been

replaced

with

someone

willing

to

take

on

the

anxieties

nd

burdens

of

another

person

and

this

on

top

on

your

own

No

love

No

romance

No

sex

no

passion

no

laughter

no

inside

jokes

no

quiet

reflective

moments

its

robotic

and

cold

I

have

become

Reply

Amanda

April

at

AM

Your

comment

made

me

cry

I

know

exactly

how

you

feel

My

husband

wasnt

like

he

is

now

when

we

married

In

fact

I

havent

noticed

any

change

until

a

year

ago

He

made

a

comment

a

year

ago

about

my

weight

and

it

was

all

downhill

from

there

I

suffer

daily

bc

of

the

way

he

makes

me

feel

I

feel

like

a

disgusting

cow

bc

I

know

he

feels

the

same

way

but

wont

come

right

out

and

say

it

Im

honestly

afraid

to

have

a

conversation

with

him

bc

it

turns

into

an

argument

I

agree

with

Sarah

Swenson

March

at

AM

Responding

to

Vett

I

appreciate

your

comment

indicating

your

interest

in

working

with

me

Please

contact

me

directly

through

my

GoodTherapyorg

profile

if

you

would

like

more

information

Thank

you

Reply

Gayla

March

at

PM

HI

Sarah

Your

article

really

helped

me

I

was

with

a

partner

for

years

He

mentioned

at

one

point

he

thought

he

might

be

on

the

Aspergers

Spectrum

but

I

did

not

put

two

and

two

together

and

research

it

I

assumed

hed

do

that

on

his

own

Four

years

into

it

a

friend

pointed

me

to

YouTube

for

videos

and

as

I

watched

I

had

a

lot

of

ah

has

He

recognized

himself

within

minutes

of

watching

the

first

video

I

showed

him

Hes

a

gentle

soul

but

had

a

lot

of

control

issues

passive

aggressiveness

blame

Reply

Emma

April

at

AM

Its

refreshing

to

read

these

comments

which

very

much

sum

up

my

marriage

too

I

have

a

question

which

Ive

pondered

over

now

for

some

time

and

Id

be

interested

to

have

any

thoughts

on

this

If

undiagnosed

people

are

inflexible

in

their

behaviours

and

make

home

life

so

difficult

for

their

partners

believing

themselves

to

be

always

in

the

right

how

is

it

that

they

know

they

need

to

have

scripts

outside

the

home

and

if

they

do

recognise

that

they

need

to

follow

script

outside

the

home

or

relationship

how

do

they

manage

to

come

across

as

so

Reply

Lizzie

April

at

AM

Hi

Emma

I

wouldnt

say

using

scripts

outside

the

home

is

something

which

comes

easily

to

an

AS

person

I

think

they

would

recognise

it

as

more

of

a

necessity

in

order

to

function

as

most

of

society

expects

everyone

to

behave

Trying

to

act

normal

requires

a

huge

amount

of

energy

for

an

AS

person

who

must

remember

to

suppress

their

natural

responses

and

replace

them

with

learned

scripts

rather

like

learning

a

few

carefully

selected

phrases

of

a

foreign

language

which

you

dont

speak

fluently

Most

of

us

whether

AS

or

not

will

adopt

a

persona

which

is

suitable

for

Gayla

April

at

AM

Wow

Im

so

glad

you

brought

this

up

My

expartner

ruined

the

life

of

his

ex

girlfriend

before

me

Everyone

believes

he

was

the

greatest

hardest

working

guy

who

took

such

great

care

of

her

She

and

I

shared

the

same

thing

No

one

could

believe

he

is

the

rigid

person

who

suffers

melt

downs

at

home

and

whos

capacity

for

honoring

boundaries

is

limited

at

best

How

do

other

Aspies

carry

a

script

for

the

outside

world

and

manage

to

function

as

well

as

they

do

April

April

at

AM

Hi

Emma

and

Gayla

I

am

wondering

the

same

thing

My

husband

goes

to

an

individual

counselor

and

that

counselor

told

him

people

on

the

spectrum

cant

just

shut

off

their

niceness

or

the

way

they

have

conversations

as

he

feels

my

husband

has

reciprocal

conversations

with

him

so

he

cant

be

on

the

spectrum

His

counselor

also

thinks

he

is

a

nice

and

hard

working

guy

and

that

he

has

made

a

lot

of

changes

over

the

last

year

seeing

him

as

a

counselor

I

dont

see

the

changes

at

home

He

is

not

nice

and

respectful

to

me

and

he

lies

a

lot

His

counselor

has

told

me

it

is

my

fault

for

not

hiding

my

feelings

enough

for

him

How

can

no

one

else

see

or

know

what

he

and

I

deal

with

or

go

through

at

home

Is

it

true

they

do

shut

it

off

Or

not

true

at

all

Gayla

April

at

PM

Hi

Lizzy

and

April

Reply

Emma

April

at

AM

Hi

April

Sorry

to

hear

about

your

difficulties

Is

your

husbands

counsellor

trained

to

deal

with

AS

issues

I

wonder

I

dont

think

that

a

counsellor

is

in

a

position

to

make

a

diagnosis

or

judgement

about

AS

they

certainly

wouldnt

be

able

to

do

that

professionally

here

in

the

UK

This

feels

like

an

unhelpful

counselling

relationship

Please

dont

ever

think

that

any

of

this

is

your

fault

its

notMaybe

have

a

look

at

finding

a

supportive

counsellor

for

yourself

if

thats

possible

one

with

knowledge

of

supporting

those

with

AS

issues

or

there

partnersxx

Reply

Gayla

April

at

AM

NP

I

certainly

can

not

answer

that

for

you

and

I

hope

you

will

find

him

to

be

lifelong

loyal

and

committed

What

I

find

super

odd

is

that

my

former

partner

needed

a

release

every

single

morning

as

well

He

made

his

ejaculation

my

responsibility

and

it

really

was

a

major

failure

but

there

was

a

long

list

of

incompatible

circumstances

even

though

we

loved

each

other

We

fought

A

LOT

He

gaslighted

me

if

you

can

call

it

that

failed

to

see

his

own

actions

as

causing

what

he

blamed

me

for

and

was

inept

at

handling

money

I

would

not

wish

this

experience

on

anyone

its

heartbreaking

Its

traumatizing

too

I

certainly

could

have

used

help

with

a

trained

professional

ASD

therapist

LONG

before

we

found

one

which

was

after

he

had

already

started

seeing

the

other

woman

who

again

seems

to

be

ASD

as

well

She

began

seeing

him

while

we

were

still

living

together

knowing

we

were

still

living

together

Whatever

the

differences

are

btw

NT

and

ASD

I

look

forward

to

learning

more

as

I

never

want

to

date

anyone

with

ASD

again

so

I

want

to

recognize

it

before

I

go

down

that

I

was

at

least

stronger

than

his

last

partner

of

years

who

really

suffered

and

still

does

years

later

after

they

broke

up

She

just

hasnt

managed

to

come

to

the

reality

of

what

his

ASD

is

and

what

it

may

have

done

to

her

Im

a

little

sour

grapes

on

the

whole

thing

If

he

hadnt

been

financially

controlling

I

could

have

put

my

financial

situation

together

and

left

him

before

this

got

out

of

hand

Im

fortunate

now

to

be

able

to

live

with

friends

recover

treat

myself

to

therapy

and

rebuild

my

life

The

benefit

of

staying

for

years

is

I

made

great

friends

and

community

and

so

those

on

the

inside

knew

and

have

been

very

helpful

I

luckily

didnt

end

up

in

the

homeless

shelter

Reply

Amanda

April

at

AM

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

April

at

AM

Hello

Amanda

Thank

you

so

much

for

visiting

GoodTherapyorg

If

you

are

experiencing

a

lifethreatening

emergency

in

danger

of

hurting

yourself

or

others

feeling

suicidal

or

in

crisis

its

very

important

that

you

get

immediate

help

You

can

do

one

of

the

following

immediately

Call

your

local

law

enforcement

agency

Go

to

the

nearest

hospital

emergency

room

Call

the

National

Suicide

Prevention

Lifeline

at

TTY

The

National

Suicide

Prevention

Lifeline

can

assist

people

in

a

wide

variety

of

situations

from

immediate

suicidal

crisis

to

providing

information

about

mental

health

The

National

Suicide

Prevention

Lifeline

also

offers

Lifeline

Crisis

Chat

for

online

crisis

support

at

httpwwwsuicidepreventionlifelineorg

Some

of

the

reasons

to

call

are

listed

below

Call

to

speak

with

someone

who

cares

Call

if

you

feel

you

might

be

in

danger

of

hurting

yourself

Call

to

find

referrals

to

mental

health

services

in

your

area

Call

to

speak

to

a

crisis

worker

about

someone

youre

concerned

about

If

you

are

experiencing

domestic

violence

or

looking

for

resources

or

information

you

can

call

your

local

hotline

andor

call

the

National

Domestic

Violence

Hotline

at

TTY

You

can

also

reach

an

advocate

using

their

private

chat

services

CST

on

httpwwwthehotlineorg

Some

of

the

reasons

to

call

are

listed

below

Call

if

you

think

you

may

be

experiencing

emotional

sexual

or

physical

abuse

Call

for

resources

about

safety

within

an

abusive

relationship

or

while

trying

to

leave

one

Call

for

resources

about

safety

and

recovery

after

an

abusive

relationship

has

ended

Call

if

you

are

afraid

you

may

be

abusing

someone

and

want

help

changing

your

behavior

If

you

or

someone

you

care

about

has

experienced

sexual

assault

you

can

call

your

local

hotline

andor

call

the

National

Sexual

Assault

Hotline

at

You

can

also

use

the

National

Sexual

Assault

Online

Hotline

at

httphotlineRAINNorg

for

live

anonymous

chat

based

support

Some

of

the

reasons

to

call

are

listed

below

Call

to

talk

through

what

happened

with

a

nonjudgmental

staff

member

Call

for

a

referral

to

a

local

crisis

center

or

health

facility

Call

for

resources

about

recovering

from

sexual

assault

Call

for

information

about

medical

or

legal

concerns

Reply

L

M

May

at

AM

Reply

Amanda

N

May

at

AM

Atleast

your

husband

waited

to

get

home

to

blow

up

We

never

even

made

it

in

the

restaurant

He

was

flailing

his

arms

about

and

blowing

up

while

everyone

was

staring

at

us

There

were

ppl

stopping

in

the

middle

of

the

street

to

stare

and

our

sons

were

so

embarrassed

that

they

walked

off

and

sat

on

a

curb

It

went

on

for

minutes

All

bc

I

said

I

would

have

a

tea

while

him

and

the

boys

ate

pizza

bc

I

didnt

want

any

We

ended

up

going

home

where

he

ordered

a

pizza

for

himself

Ed

May

at

PM

Should

I

thank

you

as

an

ASD

male

married

for

years

for

creating

a

stereotype

of

myself

as

an

uncaring

monster

I

spent

every

waking

moment

trying

to

meet

my

wifes

needs

understanding

that

there

is

a

deficit

that

I

can

not

completely

comprehend

I

do

my

human

best

to

put

my

comfort

zone

and

shell

behind

me

because

least

I

can

be

aware

that

a

parter

needs

more

than

an

income

provider

and

babysitter

but

this

may

be

the

most

damning

and

discouraging

thing

that

an

ASD

husband

can

possibly

read

I

now

suppose

I

must

selfidentify

as

Reply

L

M

May

at

AM

Why

dont

you

AS

partners

make

your

own

blog

theres

plenty

of

help

out

there

for

you

not

for

us

My

relationship

was

built

on

lies

and

acting

and

deceit

if

hed

told

me

things

would

have

been

different

Its

the

fact

that

you

know

youve

got

a

problem

you

keep

it

secret

very

well

at

first

and

then

you

destroy

someone

elses

chances

at

happiness

regardless

thanks

a

lot

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

May

at

AM

Ed

due

to

the

large

number

of

comments

on

this

thread

I

can

not

tell

whether

you

are

responding

to

my

article

or

to

the

comments

that

follow

it

I

assure

you

it

is

not

my

intent

to

portray

anyone

as

a

monster

My

article

is

based

on

years

of

working

with

neurodiverse

couples

and

with

couples

in

which

the

likelytobeautistic

partner

refuses

to

consider

an

evaluation

However

this

does

not

mean

your

life

or

anyone

elses

particular

experience

must

align

with

the

article

nor

does

it

mean

one

partner

is

right

and

the

other

is

wrong

There

are

no

Reply

May

at

AM

Sam

you

are

among

the

better

few

My

husband

denies

that

anything

is

wrong

with

him

and

gets

very

defensive

Even

his

mom

His

mom

developed

a

defense

mechanism

of

putting

the

blame

on

me

for

not

being

a

helpful

and

supportive

wife

I

can

tell

shes

been

in

denial

all

her

life

and

saw

me

as

the

perfect

loving

and

accommodating

wife

to

mask

and

cover

for

any

shortcomings

in

her

son

In

a

sense

take

on

her

role

as

mother

so

she

could

be

free

but

thats

a

story

for

another

day

Regardless

of

what

may

be

If

Reply

Ed

May

at

PM

The

comments

prove

that

I

have

no

hope

despite

being

a

loving

husband

and

father

I

have

nothing

left

Its

sad

that

Ive

been

diagnosed

tried

and

have

a

wife

who

says

she

is

committed

and

loves

me

very

much

But

if

this

is

what

I

do

to

her

and

evidently

Im

too

stupid

to

figure

it

out

I

need

to

end

and

be

forgotten

You

are

all

very

convincing

Reply

Lizzie

May

at

AM

Dear

Ed

My

ASD

husband

and

I

were

married

for

almost

thirty

years

before

he

was

diagnosed

and

I

love

him

dearly

I

too

am

quite

dismayed

by

what

I

have

read

in

this

thread

because

although

we

have

had

problems

they

are

nothing

like

the

descriptions

here

I

believe

the

experiences

of

these

women

but

I

know

that

not

all

ASD

men

are

the

same

just

as

all

neurotypical

men

are

not

the

same

Some

are

kind

decent

and

hardworking

while

others

are

not

I

hope

you

and

your

wife

can

work

on

issues

which

affect

your

own

relationship

only

I

have

considered

unsubscribing

from

these

updates

because

I

find

them

so

distressing

but

it

also

makes

me

grateful

that

my

own

husband

is

kind

loving

and

works

hard

at

our

marriage

Reply

Amy

May

at

AM

Lizzie

its

called

being

on

the

spectrum

for

a

reason

Some

with

autism

are

more

extreme

than

others

Im

glad

your

husband

happens

to

be

a

decent

man

mine

isnt

Ed

Im

sorry

that

you

chose

to

read

the

wrong

article

including

very

real

and

common

experiences

living

in

the

trenches

of

a

gonowhere

do

all

the

work

kind

with

no

benefit

kind

of

marriage

Good

for

both

you

and

Lizzie

I

for

one

got

duped

into

believing

the

man

I

married

knows

and

understands

what

marriage

is

all

about

Ive

wasted

the

best

years

of

my

life

on

a

man

who

fooled

me

Sarah

Swenson

May

at

AM

Ed

it

is

imperative

that

you

not

take

anyone

elses

story

as

reflective

of

your

own

The

comments

regarding

this

article

are

from

women

whose

lives

are

different

from

yours

and

from

that

of

your

wife

No

one

here

is

disparaging

anyone

autistic

or

neurotypcal

Individuals

are

sharing

their

own

experiences

just

as

you

have

shared

yours

As

I

often

assure

neurotypical

couples

with

whom

I

work

If

you

have

met

one

person

with

autism

youve

met

one

person

with

autism

The

same

can

be

said

of

neurodiverse

couples

Please

be

gentle

with

yourself

and

value

your

efforts

and

conscientiousness

Reply

Lizzie

May

at

AM

Dear

Sarah

sadly

I

have

read

so

many

disparaging

comments

here

from

women

who

have

written

off

ALL

men

with

ASD

not

just

their

own

partners

It

is

very

disparaging

for

a

contributor

to

write

that

ALL

men

with

ASD

destroy

womens

lives

etc

This

is

simply

not

true

I

can

understand

how

a

woman

may

feel

her

own

life

has

been

destroyed

but

it

is

wrong

to

tar

all

men

with

Asperger

Syndrome

with

the

same

brush

I

live

with

two

Asperger

men

my

husband

and

our

adult

son

They

are

both

lovely

in

their

own

way

and

I

Sarah

Swenson

LMHC

May

at

AM

This

comment

is

in

response

to

Lizzie

you

make

a

good

point

and

it

is

one

I

make

frequently

as

well

Of

course

not

every

person

on

the

autism

spectrum

can

be

described

in

the

same

way

However

to

partners

in

pain

sometimes

expressing

themselves

takes

a

very

negative

tone

from

anger

confusion

and

distress

I

suggest

taking

each

comment

about

as

an

indication

if

the

writers

own

views

rather

than

as

a

meaningful

indictment

of

all

individuals

on

the

autism

spectrum

vett

May

at

PM

Oh

and

EDI

can

tell

when

someone

is

trying

to

make

people

feel

a

little

guilty

And

your

quite

transparent

It

makes

me

wonder

are

you

the

good

guy

you

say

If

you

are

I

am

sure

your

wife

would

be

happy

to

tell

how

great

you

are

I

am

not

saying

your

not

telling

the

truth

but

I

have

been

manipulated

enough

to

know

when

a

person

is

going

for

the

guilt

I

have

been

abused

so

badly

no

matter

how

good

anyone

was

it

would

not

change

my

situation

and

I

WANT

THE

TRUTH

ABOUT

ASPIES

TO

BE

Be

cool

vett

Reply

Josie

May

at

AM

Thanks

vett

for

saying

what

I

was

thinking

I

started

to

respond

but

stopped

because

I

was

at

first

feeling

sorry

for

Ed

Sometimes

it

seems

the

Aspie

Husband

gets

to

play

the

victim

Ive

been

married

for

years

this

summer

and

its

been

a

challenge

but

my

husband

isnt

nearly

as

far

on

the

spectrum

as

some

we

read

about

here

So

even

though

I

do

feel

Ive

lost

some

of

myself

Im

in

it

for

now

L

M

May

at

AM

Vett

I

am

so

on

your

side

with

this

one

my

partner

can

only

see

what

the

consequences

are

for

him

I

am

so

familiar

with

this

guilt

trip

I

suppose

I

should

just

jump

off

a

cliff

and

make

the

world

a

better

place

then

scenario

I

also

find

it

fascinating

that

we

all

seem

to

use

the

same

words

to

describe

what

theyve

done

to

uslost

alone

and

destroyed

It

is

destroyed

Our

chances

of

happiness

are

destroyed

our

chances

of

ever

trusting

someone

again

are

destroyed

we

are

alone

we

are

lost

he

IS

A

MONSTER

but

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

May

at

AM

Dear

Ed

Thank

you

for

your

comment

We

wanted

to

provide

links

to

some

resources

that

may

be

relevant

to

you

here

We

have

more

information

about

selfharm

at

httpwwwsuicidepreventionlifelineorgand

additional

information

about

what

to

do

in

a

crisis

at

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgincrisishtml

Warm

regards

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

Reply

Gayla

May

at

PM

Ed

I

urge

you

to

seek

a

therapist

trained

in

ASD

You

sound

like

you

have

a

lot

going

for

you

Remember

everyone

here

is

speaking

about

a

relationship

with

someone

who

is

undiagnosed

and

not

in

therapy

Dont

give

up

on

yourself

My

expartner

found

someone

who

seems

perfect

for

him

and

I

have

heard

couples

who

are

neurodiverse

who

do

therapeutic

couples

work

with

a

trained

therapist

are

able

to

do

quite

well

My

expartner

and

I

were

too

different

for

therapy

to

even

matter

for

us

and

if

wed

been

a

better

match

therapy

would

have

been

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

May

at

AM

Hello

Gayla

thank

you

for

your

comment

regarding

counseling

I

will

be

offering

a

twohour

web

conference

for

therapists

on

Good

Therapy

on

the

topic

of

working

with

neurodiverse

couples

in

June

Unfortunately

though

the

need

is

great

at

the

present

time

there

are

not

many

therapists

trained

to

work

with

neurodiverse

couples

so

finding

one

can

be

challenging

However

like

you

I

encourage

seeking

such

counseilng

support

for

anyone

in

a

neurodiverse

partnership

Reply

Pilgrim

May

at

AM

Dont

be

daft

Ed

You

are

one

of

the

good

ones

willing

to

look

at

yourself

maybe

even

adapt

no

stay

just

ask

her

from

time

to

time

if

she

is

ok

with

you

listen

to

her

love

her

Many

of

us

are

envious

of

your

wife

that

you

are

willing

to

be

diagnosed

willing

to

talk

Big

hug

Reply

vett

May

at

PM

Ed

I

dont

mean

every

Aspie

but

I

do

mean

most

but

there

are

always

exceptions

If

you

are

one

and

have

been

able

to

get

over

the

hurdles

and

difficulties

of

Aspergers

I

salute

you

I

am

not

afraid

to

say

the

truth

and

if

you

were

not

an

exception

I

would

tell

you

yes

do

your

wife

a

favor

and

please

let

her

go

But

if

your

not

your

not

and

you

should

know

you

are

a

beautiful

exception

if

your

being

honest

that

is

for

sure

CARRY

ON

ED

AND

dont

leave

your

wife

unless

she

wants

you

too

vett

Reply

Sarah

May

at

AM

I

think

it

is

very

easy

when

you

are

still

in

the

marriage

or

freshly

out

of

it

to

see

the

Aspie

as

a

monster

because

the

reality

is

that

Aspies

attitudes

towards

their

wives

can

be

very

cruel

My

experience

is

that

I

loathed

my

Aspie

husband

and

I

often

fantasised

that

something

bad

would

happen

to

him

so

I

could

escape

But

now

a

year

after

separating

it

is

so

much

better

and

I

am

fond

of

him

and

we

get

on

well

It

took

very

stern

and

continuous

policing

of

boundaries

to

get

him

to

slowly

come

Reply

May

at

AM

Thank

you

for

sharing

this

I

am

a

mom

of

girls

The

first

is

years

and

the

second

is

months

Ive

been

married

to

for

years

now

After

years

of

watching

my

husband

going

in

and

out

of

jobs

and

losing

interest

in

one

thing

to

start

another

I

went

online

for

comfort

and

to

find

a

support

group

I

was

tired

of

working

jobs

because

I

had

to

accommodate

his

actions

Either

he

was

getting

fired

or

he

was

quitting

so

I

was

always

compensating

so

we

would

not

get

evicted

from

our

home

This

is

not

what

I

want

my

children

to

see

I

do

not

want

them

to

grow

up

thinking

its

okay

for

a

woman

to

be

treated

like

this

I

think

its

better

to

train

them

while

they

are

young

Its

time

to

do

what

is

best

for

me

and

the

children

I

want

to

be

me

again

Happy

and

free

Thanks

for

reading

my

rant

guys

Reply

Julie

June

at

PM

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

June

at

AM

Hi

Julie

Thank

you

for

visiting

GoodTherapyorg

If

you

would

like

to

consult

with

a

mental

health

professional

please

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpwwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

If

youre

looking

for

a

counselor

that

practices

a

specific

type

of

therapy

or

who

deals

with

specific

concerns

you

can

make

an

advanced

search

by

clicking

here

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgadvancedsearchhtml

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

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of

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and

counselors

who

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criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

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full

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therapists

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information

Alternatively

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finding

a

therapist

We

are

in

the

office

Monday

through

Friday

from

am

to

pm

Pacific

Time

our

phone

number

is

ext

If

you

are

experiencing

a

lifethreatening

emergency

in

danger

of

hurting

yourself

or

others

feeling

suicidal

overwhelmed

or

in

crisis

its

very

important

that

you

get

immediate

help

Information

about

what

to

do

in

a

crisis

is

available

here

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgincrisishtml

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

June

at

AM

Hello

Julie

It

always

saddens

me

when

this

article

is

so

meaningful

to

someone

I

hope

it

helps

guide

you

to

finding

good

counseling

support

for

yourself

If

youre

interested

in

working

with

me

my

website

and

contact

information

are

available

on

my

profile

I

send

warm

wishes

to

you

as

you

navigate

this

path

Reply

Vivienne

June

at

AM

Oh

dear

Julies

experience

does

contain

many

aspects

familiar

to

aspie

wives

exs

like

myself

The

way

they

can

just

walk

away

without

seeming

to

care

about

our

continuing

welfare

seems

to

be

a

common

feature

In

my

case

it

was

like

the

cycle

in

the

marriage

writ

large

i

still

feel

as

though

im

waiting

for

him

to

soften

many

years

on

which

is

an

aspect

of

trauma

bonding

THEY

walk

away

apparently

not

needing

us

in

any

way

while

WE

are

left

reeling

wondering

what

our

lives

were

and

are

about

I

wonder

whether

there

is

an

explanation

Reply

Dorothy

June

at

PM

Dear

Julie

You

have

my

utter

sympathy

and

as

you

are

in

the

early

months

of

trying

to

process

what

happened

to

you

this

will

be

a

very

hard

chapter

from

which

I

know

you

will

emerge

wiser

and

happier

than

you

imagine

possible

Life

inside

marriage

to

an

aspie

can

be

such

an

emotional

wasteland

that

you

cant

even

begin

to

understand

the

stress

you

have

been

through

all

the

years

together

of

twisting

in

to

pretzel

to

try

to

make

the

marriage

work

Decompressing

from

what

happened

takes

time

You

will

probably

cry

more

than

you

want

are

freaked

out

My

divorce

was

final

last

August

I

got

him

to

move

out

late

the

prior

year

and

I

am

still

in

the

throes

of

all

the

craziness

he

brought

in

our

lives

Now

that

he

is

gone

I

am

the

recipient

of

radio

silence

from

him

as

long

as

he

gets

his

check

from

me

every

month

which

only

lasts

one

more

year

and

yes

I

had

to

pay

him

to

leave

So

I

got

the

house

which

needs

plenty

of

upkeep

and

repairs

also

our

kids

family

home

who

at

and

benefit

from

this

base

Reply

Claire

c

June

at

PM

Hello

againI

did

have

another

breakdownand

just

read

previous

comment

his

ability

to

leave

me

whenever

he

chose

was

devastating

and

left

me

for

daysweeks

on

inand

acted

as

if

he

didnt

even

know

meIve

just

been

diagnosed

with

Cassandra

syndromeI

want

out

more

than

ever

now

but

as

stupid

as

it

sounds

still

love

and

worry

about

himIm

a

messbut

I

really

need

to

go

through

with

it

now

I

absolutely

long

to

be

touched

and

feel

specialthe

tears

are

relentless

as

is

the

pain

my

self

esteem

is

shot

to

the

coreand

yet

somehow

I

still

no

right

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

June

at

PM

Hi

Claire

If

you

would

like

to

consult

with

a

mental

health

professional

please

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpwwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

If

youre

looking

for

a

counselor

that

practices

a

specific

type

of

therapy

or

who

deals

with

specific

concerns

you

can

make

an

advanced

search

by

clicking

here

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgadvancedsearchhtml

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

a

list

of

therapists

and

counselors

who

meet

your

criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

to

view

our

members

full

profiles

and

contact

the

therapists

themselves

for

more

information

Alternatively

you

are

welcome

to

call

us

for

assistance

finding

a

therapist

We

are

in

the

office

Monday

through

Friday

from

am

to

pm

Pacific

Time

our

phone

number

is

ext

If

you

are

experiencing

a

lifethreatening

emergency

in

danger

of

hurting

yourself

or

others

feeling

suicidal

overwhelmed

or

in

crisis

its

very

important

that

you

get

immediate

help

Information

about

what

to

do

in

a

crisis

is

available

here

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgincrisishtml

Reply

D

June

at

PM

Reply

April

June

at

PM

I

have

been

married

to

an

AS

for

years

My

daughter

received

an

AS

diagnosis

in

Had

no

idea

until

then

So

far

I

see

in

these

posts

abuse

in

the

form

of

outburst

control

and

moodiness

When

I

married

my

husband

three

days

later

on

an

expensive

honeymoon

he

began

screaming

at

me

at

the

top

of

his

lungs

and

shunning

me

He

also

became

very

controlling

I

dated

him

for

a

yearandahalf

and

thought

we

had

worked

through

some

smaller

things

He

continued

to

threaten

me

physically

punch

walls

and

hold

me

down

during

fights

His

Reply

Julie

S

June

at

PM

Im

no

guru

of

AS

but

from

what

Ive

read

the

AS

person

is

seldom

physically

violent

though

I

suppose

there

exceptions

to

every

theory

My

husband

while

torturing

me

for

it

was

always

of

the

mental

and

emotional

choice

of

weapons

for

him

Sounds

to

me

like

there

is

something

other

than

the

AS

going

on

here

I

suppose

AS

people

are

as

susceptible

as

any

of

us

the

other

mental

disorders

Im

glad

to

hear

that

you

are

no

longer

with

him

but

the

loss

is

still

painful

beyond

explanation

My

daughter

shows

every

indication

of

being

Reply

Rita

July

at

PM

Wow

this

is

phenomenal

and

hits

home

in

so

many

ways

As

one

other

commenter

mentioned

finding

the

money

for

therapy

is

next

to

impossible

not

to

mention

time

and

the

incredibly

daunting

process

of

finding

an

available

therapist

who

really

UNDERSTAND

these

issues

In

fact

the

only

thing

I

can

think

of

that

would

begin

to

validate

me

and

get

me

back

on

track

to

being

the

person

I

thought

I

was

is

if

I

could

find

a

support

group

of

spouseswomen

who

share

these

experiences

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

July

at

AM

Hello

Rita

Thank

you

for

your

comment

If

you

would

like

to

consult

with

a

mental

health

professional

please

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpwwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

On

the

results

page

you

may

select

additional

search

criteria

to

locate

therapists

who

accept

your

insurance

or

offer

a

sliding

scale

fee

structure

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

a

list

of

therapists

and

counselors

who

meet

your

criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

to

view

our

members

full

profiles

and

contact

the

therapists

themselves

for

more

information

Alternatively

you

are

welcome

to

call

us

for

assistance

finding

a

therapist

We

are

in

the

office

Monday

through

Friday

from

am

to

pm

Pacific

Time

our

phone

number

is

ext

Reply

F

July

at

AM

This

article

is

my

life

Has

been

my

life

for

years

Married

for

of

those

and

now

have

a

years

old

As

much

as

all

of

this

hurts

me

so

much

to

read

knowing

thing

will

never

change

for

me

it

is

the

children

part

I

need

help

with

My

son

is

only

two

and

although

I

wanted

more

children

can

anyone

advise

whether

it

makes

more

sense

to

leave

now

whilst

he

has

no

idea

what

is

happening

as

opposed

to

staying

and

trying

to

make

it

all

work

only

to

end

up

leaving

in

the

The

thought

of

living

like

this

for

the

rest

of

my

life

makes

me

so

sad

and

honestly

I

feel

sort

of

hopeless

I

can

get

by

I

can

pretend

but

who

will

that

benefit

I

hate

the

thought

of

leaving

him

alone

I

know

he

wouldnt

cope

well

or

have

another

relationship

as

its

been

mentioned

before

His

brother

also

committed

suicide

when

he

was

young

and

he

has

had

such

thoughts

briefly

in

the

past

so

my

is

also

that

in

leaving

it

could

spiral

I

have

no

idea

what

to

do

for

the

best

For

me

for

Reply

Sarah

Swenson

July

at

AM

I

am

sorry

to

hear

of

your

distress

I

heartily

recommend

counseling

with

someone

who

specializes

in

understanding

neurodiverse

couples

There

are

not

many

of

us

but

it

is

worth

searching

for

this

particular

kind

of

counseling

support

because

it

it

imperative

that

your

responses

and

feelings

be

honored

as

reasonable

and

neither

dismisssed

nor

pathologized

If

you

are

interested

in

working

with

me

please

contact

me

through

the

link

on

my

profile

I

send

best

wishes

to

you

in

this

discernment

Reply

Amy

July

at

PM

Please

know

that

you

are

in

no

way

responsible

for

your

husbands

state

of

mind

Its

not

your

responsibilty

to

police

his

feelings

so

he

doesnt

commit

suicide

If

you

can

try

and

see

if

therapy

with

a

qualified

professional

might

help

your

situation

improve

Lay

out

your

expectations

in

black

and

white

I

feel

such

pity

for

all

of

us

victims

of

autism

It

is

epidemic

and

we

and

our

children

are

the

ones

paying

the

price

while

the

one

who

isnt

neurotypical

gets

a

pass

out

political

correctness

Sorry

for

hat

rant

Like

most

other

commenters

here

I

Reply

Sarah

July

at

AM

Hi

F

I

can

only

tell

you

my

own

experience

for

what

it

is

worth

I

realised

that

I

desperately

wanted

to

leave

when

my

youngest

child

was

months

But

my

initial

plan

was

to

try

and

deal

with

it

until

she

finished

high

school

I

only

managed

months

after

that

before

I

left

but

I

got

really

ill

in

that

time

basically

developed

ORTS

and

very

bad

mental

health

So

for

me

it

was

not

a

good

idea

to

make

it

last

once

I

knew

it

couldnt

last

Pretending

to

everyone

when

you

have

acknowledged

the

truth

to

yourself

Reply

Julie

July

at

PM

Yes

it

is

hard

to

think

of

yet

another

sister

being

emotionally

brought

down

by

another

Aspie

Mine

has

been

gone

months

now

The

first

months

I

just

wondered

if

I

could

survive

alone

in

this

world

Thing

is

I

had

life

plans

brfore

I

met

him

Things

that

the

person

I

am

now

could

never

imagine

When

I

consider

all

that

Ive

lost

given

up

over

the

last

years

to

love

him

care

for

him

be

his

tutor

in

the

real

world

I

know

that

there

is

more

inside

of

me

than

I

can

see

or

Reply

Gayla

July

at

PM

You

indeed

face

a

difficult

choice

and

I

completely

understand

why

you

care

so

much

I

highly

encourage

working

with

a

trained

therapist

It

will

help

you

sort

through

your

own

feelings

and

heal

and

deal

I

believe

you

will

learn

skills

for

creating

an

easy

relationship

with

your

partner

as

you

separate

My

former

partner

now

has

a

devoted

new

girlfriend

and

they

are

deeply

in

love

and

supptrained

therapist

and

orting

each

other

You

will

find

your

partner

as

well

Everything

can

work

out

beautifully

Just

connect

with

a

quality

take

things

one

day

at

a

time

until

Reply

Kim

July

at

PM

My

husband

and

I

have

been

married

for

a

little

over

a

year

Im

sure

that

he

has

undiagnosed

ASD

my

son

is

on

the

spectrum

so

I

know

some

of

the

symptoms

My

sister

is

a

SPED

teacher

and

has

been

teaching

full

SPED

classes

for

over

years

she

just

visited

us

for

weeks

and

she

also

agrees

Im

struggling

so

badly

right

now

This

is

my

marriage

I

was

a

single

mom

for

years

raising

my

kids

Were

having

major

issues

in

our

marriage

communication

wise

and

I

was

diagnosed

with

cancer

and

Reply

meg

August

at

AM

yes

Reply

August

at

AM

Please

any

thoughts

or

help

Reply

August

at

AM

If

I

may

also

addsorry

but

I

didnt

know

that

other

women

do

through

this

so

I

am

so

relieved

overwhelmed

and

gutted

by

this

He

is

wickedly

smart

and

before

put

me

down

for

not

taking

my

PhD

as

seriously

as

he

does

mind

you

years

in

vs

years

He

wasis

immensely

loving

and

caring

when

engaged

almost

like

a

puppy

but

when

he

gets

disconnectedlike

Jennifer

Garner

said

ts

like

the

sun

goes

away

I

am

still

baffled

at

how

he

can

sleep

in

separate

rooms

of

the

house

we

shared

literally

week

ago

decorated

and

brought

love

intohe

can

just

carry

on

with

his

day

as

if

all

is

well

and

nothing

ever

happened

Are

these

the

emotions

of

Reply

The

GoodTherapyorg

Team

August

at

AM

Thank

you

for

visiting

the

GoodTherapy

blog

and

for

sharing

your

comment

If

you

would

like

to

consult

with

a

mental

health

professional

please

feel

free

to

return

to

our

homepage

httpwwwgoodtherapyorg

and

enter

your

zip

code

into

the

search

field

to

find

therapists

in

your

area

If

youre

looking

for

a

counselor

that

practices

a

specific

type

of

therapy

or

who

deals

with

specific

concerns

you

can

make

an

advanced

search

by

clicking

here

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgadvancedsearchhtml

Once

you

enter

your

information

youll

be

directed

to

a

list

of

therapists

and

counselors

who

meet

your

criteria

From

this

list

you

can

click

to

view

our

members

full

profiles

and

contact

the

therapists

themselves

for

more

information

Please

contact

us

if

you

have

any

questions

If

you

are

experiencing

a

lifethreatening

emergency

in

danger

of

hurting

yourself

or

others

feeling

suicidal

overwhelmed

or

in

crisis

its

very

important

that

you

get

immediate

help

Information

about

what

to

do

in

a

crisis

is

available

here

httpwwwgoodtherapyorgincrisishtml

Reply

Sara

September

at

PM

Reply

Stefanie

November

at

AM

Hello

Sara

I

have

just

discovered

that

my

husband

suffers

from

Aspergers

just

like

his

mother

I

will

tell

that

story

later

For

now

I

would

like

to

tell

you

Sara

that

I

think

your

husband

does

not

suffer

from

Aspergers

but

from

a

Narcissistic

Personality

Disorder

The

meanness

and

the

weird

scheming

you

are

describing

might

be

too

much

for

an

ordinary

Aspergers

I

think

you

should

check

that

out

because

NPD

people

can

be

really

awful

and

even

dangerous

They

will

trick

you

into

believing

it

is

all

your

fault

they

are

often

extremely

charming

with

the

outside

world

and

most

people

will

believe

them

and

if

it

comes

to

the

worst

they

might

assault

you

in

a

physical

way

I

am

from

Europe

and

in

France

there

is

quite

an

advanced

comprehension

about

Narcissistic

people

I

have

read

a

couple

of

French

books

on

that

topic

I

wish

you

all

the

best

in

dealing

with

your

husband

but

even

if

you

get

a

divorce

watch

out

Narcissistic

people

are

really

really

dangerous

whereas

my

husband

seems

just

not

to

be

functioning

in

an

ordinary

manner

like

a

clock

which

is

broken

and

refuses

to

show

the

time

correctly

Good

luck

Stefanie

Reply

Sara

S

December

at

AM

Hi

Stefanie

If

you

have

any

more

thoughts

on

the

matter

I

would

love

to

hear

them

as

I

dont

have

anyone

to

talk

about

this

subject

Sara

Jamie

December

at

AM

Reply

Spring

December

at

PM

Sara

I

am

sorry

this

is

happening

to

you

Others

said

it

right

as

soon

as

you

give

him

a

feeling

of

youre

back

in

he

will

go

back

to

old

behavior

My

aspie

came

back

once

after

breaking

up

telling

me

he

is

different

I

went

along

and

waited

to

see

what

happens

when

he

starts

to

feel

comfortable

At

the

beginning

he

agreed

to

anything

therapy

yes

social

and

emotional

skills

training

was

considerate

kind

connecting

after

he

felt

the

relationship

was

on

track

it

went

back

to

same

old

unable

to

consider

my

feeling

idea

of

connection

Reply

White

Linda

December

at

PM

Oh

my

goodness

there

are

so

many

NT

words

I

contemplate

that

my

Aspie

could

make

love

to

my

mind

as

I

would

find

that

infinitely

attractive

instead

my

experience

is

stonewalling

and

silence

Please

tell

me

that

it

can

be

better

because

this

barren

desert

of

an

existence

is

emotionally

parching

and

robs

one

of

lifes

joy

It

is

SUCH

an

effort

to

rise

above

and

at

the

same

time

so

infinitely

sad

as

I

grieve

with

and

for

my

partner

who

knows

not

what

grief

he

sows

Reply

Jamie

December

at

PM

Beautifully

sad

words

Reply

Sarah

P

December

at

AM

But

Linda

when

you

have

a

neurotypical

relationship

again

after

the

Aspergers

years

it

is

so

so

beautiful

I

was

struck

with

wonder

and

awe

at

what

sex

is

between

two

committed

and

loving

neurotypicals

I

had

forgotten

the

utter

sweetness

of

it

the

nourishment

and

care

and

sense

of

joy

Even

now

two

years

after

leaving

my

Aspie

ex

and

after

a

year

with

my

boyfriend

I

still

am

often

tearful

after

sex

because

it

is

such

a

gift

and

in

the

Aspie

relationship

it

was

such

a

trial

and

I

hated

it

so

much

Reply

December

at

PM

My

ASD

ex

was

the

deepest

love

I

have

known

and

my

god

the

most

painful

I

wonder

if

it

is

possible

to

grieve

such

an

endingI

wonder

if

is

right

to

grieve

such

a

love

that

can

make

you

question

everything

you

thought

you

knew

if

the

world

is

even

round

anymore

I

have

been

told

by

an

ASD

therapist

that

despite

all

the

therapy

and

behavioral

strategiesI

will

never

get

true

closurecause

he

will

never

truly

understand

what

his

part

wasto

go

through

life

and

hurt

others

in

such

a

way

and

yet

they

will

get

closureit

can

Reply

Julie

S

December

at

AM

They

Rob

us

the

very

deepest

place

in

our

heart

Reply