Does that term bother anyone else? It’s more than annoying to me; it is inaccurate.
What does the word mistress mean?
- The feminine of master, something personified as female that has ownership, power or authority to rule, direct, or dominate—such as…
- The female head of a household
- a woman who employs or supervises servants
- a woman who is in charge of a school or other establishment
- An archaic title equivalent to Mrs.
- A woman other than his wife with whom a married man has a continuing sexual relationship
The word first came to usage in the 14th century. How has infidelity changed from then to now? How has marriage changed?
Adultery is still adultery. But marriage is not the same. We no longer marry solely for protection, procreation and politics. More than not, we marry for love
Whether she had any true status, a mistress had power because she had more freedom of choice since she was not the property of her husband; she was a woman who took charge of her sexuality. The situation between she and her married lover may have been purely sexual or it may have been a love-match. But the term gives an implication of commitment, being settled and sometimes social acceptability. Her lover typically supported her financially.
It was much harder for a woman to steal another woman’s husband because divorce was illegal or socially forbidden. Marriage to a mistress was possible if the man’s wife died, but even then it may not have been a socially acceptable match. Most mistresses did not have the alienating power and influence of Anne Boleyn.
Today an alienator has greater power. Now a husband and wife usually choose each other. We enter the relationship with expectations of equality and fidelity and divorce is commonplace. An alienator is a home wrecker or mate predator who is often trying to steal someone else’s spouse, though a person is still an alienator if it is not their intention to break-up their lover’s marriage. Some alienator’s seek relationships with married people because they don’t want a commitment and some like the excitement of an illicit relationship. They are still alienators because infidelity alienates spouses from each other.
Today a mistress type of alienator is not as common as a deliberate mate predator. A mistress is a kept woman, who is not usually trying to steal her lover away from his wife or interfere in his marriage. She usually keeps a life separate from the married couple and is available either at her lover’s convenience or, in today’s more equal society, according to arrangements made by both she and her lover.
I am not trying to say that a mistress is acceptable. Infidelity is infidelity. It not only hurts but it destroys. But the term mistress is often applied to all cases of infidelity with a married man. It is sanitized and does not reveal the pain, damage, betrayal, lies and manipulation that are part of infidelity; rather it dismisses those negatives, avoiding the stigma of guilt and shame that accompany adultery.
It seems that individuals do not use the term mistress, rather it is the media. We as people know the pain; even those who have not gone through it personally understand it as something that is not appropriate. But the media glamorizes the term; John Edwards had child with his mistress rather than with the woman who approached him and suggested that he cheat on his wife with her. Following the death of Elizabeth Edwards there were multiple stories speculating whether John would now marry his mistress—implying it would be a legitimate relationship.
As a betrayed spouse with real human emotions I do think with those common insults: skank, whore, slut. That doesn’t make them right, but I’m being honest. They are not nice; they are meant to insult and degrade and they are not professional. I’m a professional writer; but I’m not a professional wife. Your MLCer may be an alienator too. And yet you love your spouse. You may not like her, but you are Standing for your marriage, you love her and want to rebuild your love to Eros. Emotions aside, it is not appropriate to place insulting, degrading and judgmental labels on another human being—you are also flawed.
The word mistress forgets about the existence of a wife because it describes a woman who has power or authority rather than a woman who tries to take something that is not hers. That’s why I use the term alienator. It is gender neutral, it includes an idea—alienation and thus betrayal, pain destruction… it is not derogatory and it has a clinical professionalism.
What are your thoughts?
Does that word annoy you too?