You shouldn’t forbid a child…
Fear. Everyone can experience fear – both girls and boys, and every adult. It’s perfectly normal to be afraid of something, for example, 8th grade workbooks, whether it’s real or imaginary, because the fear of the unknown is really scary. If a child says he’s scared, you shouldn’t answer him, “No way, it’s not scary at all!” – First of all, you don’t know what he’s really feeling, and secondly, you’re showing that you don’t trust his words or his feelings. How will he learn to determine for himself what is happening to him, if the people closest to him do not believe, and even claim to know better what is happening to him?
Crying. When people feel sad, sad or longing, they cry, and tears often bring relief. Tears can also be a reaction to failure, stress or fear. Sometimes it happens that the family wants to raise the boy to be strong and brave so much that they condemn any display of weakness. “Don’t cry, you’re not a girl!” – they tell him. And sometimes it seems to parents that their child shames them with his caprices and tears, showing those around him that his mom and dad are not very good at upbringing. Or he or she manipulates, trying to achieve something with the help of whining and tears. But it’s much more helpful if a child understands from childhood that his feelings are important to his parents, he will always be supported, helped to cope, accepted by anyone, not just strong and successful.
Say No. Of course, no one likes to hear rejection and read 7th grade ela. And the period of three-year crisis, when the kid realized that he is a separate person from parents, and in order to establish himself in this big world, he flatly refuses everything, is not easy to survive. But if a child refuses something that you offer him, it does not mean that he rejects you or does it out of spite! It means that it is important for him to make his own choice, even if the consequences are unsuccessful. Everyone has the right to reject what they don’t like or don’t fit. Of course, the child is not so independent as not to listen to your opinion: you can both persuade and force, when necessary. But if you respect his “No” and “I don’t want” and listen to them, it will definitely help him in the future to defend his point of view, and reduce the risk of becoming an object of manipulation or getting into a dangerous situation.
Saying “I want.” Often we just get tired of endless childhood wishes, and in our hearts we say things like, “Well, how much more can we want!” or “Want? You’ll over-want it!” But being able to figure out your needs, understand your wants, and look for ways to satisfy them is very important for adulthood. So many moms and dads have a hard time figuring out what they want because they’re used to being guided by “Necessary” or “Useful,” or the opinions of others – like their own parents, who forbade them to want too much and too often. But knowing what you really want is also very helpful!
Doing things on your own. When we are around a child every day, it is very difficult for us to notice his changes, to understand what he has already learned. And we act out of habit – spoon-feed a year-old baby, dress the three-year, carefully check the lessons of the first grader. But a lot of things a child enjoys doing on their own, because to see how something at first did not work, and then it worked – it’s joyful and inspiring. It seems like there is always a reason to do something for the child or to monitor how he or she is doing, so that if there is the slightest difficulty, you can come to help: the process will go faster and the result will be better. But just the process of tying his shoelaces or making his first pie is important for the child. Let him try, make mistakes, practice – and he will see that he is gradually getting it!
Shyness. Your child does not like to talk to strangers, the company hides behind your back, not saying hello first? And you would like him to be active, sociable, easy to make friends – especially if you yourself are not very good at it all? But temperament and character – this is what he was born with, and that is unlikely to change much in accordance with your ideas about what children should be. And if a child understands that his parents have very different expectations of him, and in his place they would like to see a more confident child, it certainly will not help him become braver and more sociable. But understanding, support and the words “Yes, you’re shy, you need more time to get used to the new situation, it’s normal” will help.
Asking questions. Sometimes it can be just unbearable – this endless stream of “Why?”, “Why?”, “How?” But it is an important condition for a child’s development – to get information about the world from a variety of sources, process it, clarify it and ask questions again. You don’t have to wave your child off or tell him or her that he or she is boring you, or worse, forbid him or her to ask. You can suggest that he look for answers himself and with your help: fortunately, in today’s world there are books, encyclopedias, articles, experts in a wide variety of fields.
Greedy. The kids are playing together in the sandbox, and your son has another, more active child trying to take away the car. You can say, “Come on, let the boy play” – but it is your son’s car, and if he does not want to give it away, he has every right to do so. Or sisters fight: one takes the other’s things without permission, and you urge the other to “not be greedy. If we constantly encourage children to share, it will be difficult for them to understand the issues of property and personal space: if it’s my thing, can I dispose of it? Which things are shared and which are mine? So it’s better to start from the sandbox: instead of “Give the boy a toy car” say, “Let’s switch, you give him a toy car, and he gives you a plane.
Have secrets. Your child hides from you the album with drawings, closes the door to the room, or flatly refuses to tell why he quarreled with a friend. You insist – is it possible for a family to keep secrets from each other? They can! He has every right to decide for himself what he’s ready to share with you, and what not. Of course, it’s important that you have confidence: if a child knows exactly what you can tell about the doubts, difficult situations, or ask any question, and you will not immediately condemn, criticize or scold, and calmly listen and help – he will tell, and ask.
Angry. He yells, waves his fists, stomps his feet if something does not work? And you believe that strong feelings should not be made public? No! There are no “bad” or “wrong” feelings, they are all equally important. And anger and aggression, too – they help people find and protect their boundaries, to understand that something that is happening now is not right for them. It is better to teach your child civilized ways to show anger: not to hurt yourself or others, but to yell, hit a pillow, jump, or take a deep breath.
Make mistakes. If a child is used to being scolded or punished for mistakes – it will be incredibly difficult for him to start any business, learn new things or make decisions. After all, he/she will be shackled in advance by the fear of making a mistake and the consequences! But making mistakes is normal, everyone does it, and mistakes are often a necessary step on the road to success. No one scolds a baby who is just learning to walk, right? We try something, we make mistakes, we rarely get something perfect the first time. You just have to practice, keep trying, and don’t be afraid of making mistakes.