“It’s not that bad”, “you shouldn’t feel like that” or “it’s time you turn the page.” These are some common phrases that are intended to alleviate suffering but are actually invalidating. When people who are significant to us do not understand us, but minimize or even ignore our feelings, not only do we not receive the emotional support we need, but we can even feel inadequate and doubt the relevance of our emotions.
What is emotional invalidation?
Emotional invalidation is the act of dismissing, ignoring, or rejecting a person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. It conveys the message that your feelings don’t matter or are inappropriate.
Emotional invalidation can occur in different ways. Some people use it intentionally to manipulate others since they condition their attention and affection on the submission of the other. Others emotionally invalidate others without realizing it.
In fact, on many occasions emotional invalidation is the result of an attempt to cheer us up. Phrases like “don’t worry”, “it’s time you got over it”, “sure it wasn’t that bad”, “you’re exaggerating”, “I don’t see any problem” or even “you shouldn’t feel like this” have good intentions, but in the background invalidates the feelings the other person is experiencing.
Obviously, this is not a good strategy to calm the other down. Rather the complete opposite. A study conducted at Harvard University revealed that students who were invalidated after expressing their emotions in a stressful situation felt worse and showed greater physiological reactivity.
There are also those who blame the other for feeling a certain way. Phrases such as “you are too sensitive”, “you take everything too personally” or “you give it too much importance” are examples of emotional invalidation in which the person seeking understanding and support receives criticism and rejection.
Of course, emotional invalidation is not just verbal. Indifference to the pain or concern of the other is also a way to invalidate their feelings. Not paying attention when a person is talking about a significant topic or downplaying it with gestures or attitude is also another way to override.
Why do people invalidate feelings?
Emotional invalidation often occurs when we express our feelings or talk about an experience. The truth is that most people invalidate because they are not able to process the emotions that the other is transmitting to them.
Emotional validation involves a certain degree of empathy or empathic resonance. It implies being able to put ourselves in the place of the other, understand him or her and experience his or her feelings. On many occasions, these feelings can be too overwhelming for the person or simply unpleasant, in a way that rejects them and, with it, invalidates the person who experiences them.
In fact, we cannot ignore that we live in a deeply disabling society from the emotional point of view in which affective states are even considered an “impediment” while reason is venerated. In a society that encourages turning the page quickly, in which hedonism is worshiped and suffering is tried to hide because it generates too much distress, it is not surprising that many people are not able to manage their own negative emotions and are not able to provide emotional validation.
In other cases, the invalidation comes from the person being too preoccupied with his or her problems to step out of his or her perspective and put himself or herself in the other person’s place. It may be that this person is really going through a difficult time and is so overwhelmed that they cannot provide emotional validation. Or it may simply be people who are too self-centered to turn the other’s emotions into the spotlight.
The consequences of emotional invalidation
• Problems managing emotions
Emotional invalidation often generates confusion, doubts, and mistrust about our emotions. If when we express what we feel, a close and significant person tells us that we should not feel that, we can begin to distrust the validity of our experiences. However, questioning our emotions will not make them disappear, it will only make it difficult for us to handle them assertively.
In fact, it has been found that when invalidation inhibits the expression of primary emotions, such as sadness, it often leads to an increase in secondary emotions such as anger and shame. A study conducted at the American University of Washington revealed that people who already have difficulty regulating their emotions tend to react more aggressively when they do not receive emotional validation of sadness.
• Appearance of mental disorders
Emotional invalidation can contribute that a person with predisposition may end up developing mental health problems such as depression or aggravate its symptoms. When the invalidation comes from the closest circle and is a pattern that repeats itself over time, that person will learn to repress his or her feelings, which will end up affecting him or her. It is also likely that he or she feels deeply lonely and misunderstood. In fact, a study conducted at Wayne State University revealed that the emotional invalidation of the partner in a systematic way can predict the appearance of depression.
Psychologist Marsha M. Linehan believes that emotional invalidation can be particularly damaging for emotionally vulnerable people; that is, those who are more sensitive, react with greater intensity and find it more difficult to regain normalcy. In those cases, being told that their emotional responses are incorrect and inappropriate can trigger emotional dysregulation.
In fact, it has also been found that people who suffered emotional invalidation in their childhood are more likely to suffer from borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by impulsivity, emotional lability, chronic feelings of emptiness and problems managing emotions. In adolescents, emotional invalidation has been linked to an increased risk of self-harm.
How to validate emotions?
Above all, we must bear in mind that emotional reactions to events are never correct or incorrect. What may be inappropriate is its expression, but not its appearance. Therefore, there is no reason to condemn, ignore or reject emotions, whatever their valence.
To validate someone else’s emotions, we first need to open ourselves to their experience. That means being willing to listen carefully and be fully present. We must put aside all distractions and try to connect emotionally.
It also means being willing to put our problems aside during that moment so that we can experience empathy for the person in front of us.
Finally, it implies using a more affirmative and comprehensive language in which phrases such as “it could have been worse” disappear to give way to “I’m sorry about what happened to you”, saying “it seems frustrating” instead of “you are exaggerating” or “what can I do to help you?” instead of “you have to get over it”.
Emotional validation is a learned art. We just have to be patient and understanding.
Adrian, M. et. Al. (2019) Parental Validation and Invalidation Predict Adolescent Self-Harm. Prof Psychol Res Pr; 49(4): 274–281.
Keng, S. & Sho, C. (2018) Association between childhood invalidation and borderline personality symptoms: self-construal and conformity as moderating factors. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation; 5: 19.
Leong, L. E. M., Cano, A. & Johansen, A. B. (2011) Sequential and base rate analysis of emotional validation and invalidation in chronic pain couples: Patient gender matters. The Journal of Pain; 12: 1140 –1148.
Fruzzetti, A. E. & Shenk, C. (2008) Fostering validating responses in families. Social Work in Mental Health; 6: 215–227.
Fruzzetti, A. E., Shenk, C. & Hoffman, P. D. (2005) Family interaction and the development of borderline personality disorder: A transactional model. Development and Psychopathology; 17: 1007–1030.
Cos’è l’invalidazione emotiva e perché fa così male? ⚫ Le conseguenze della mancata convalida delle emozioni.