at the multinational European Institute for Ruminant Research in La Vache,
Switzerland have published their first detailed analysis of the global reach
of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, commonly known as mad cow disease.
Their findings show that the disease is much more prevalent than previously
believed and that its human counterpart, variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease,
or vCJD, has been manifest in Europe and the United States for many years.
The multidisciplinary research team, comprised of microbovine pathologists, quantum epidemiologists and beefy political scientists from many nations of the European Union, is led by its lead researchers and spokespersons, Dr. Peter Wahnsinn and Dr. Maria Beveleché.
“These are very startling findings,” Dr. Wahnsinn announced at a hastily convened press conference at the EIRR laboratory in suburban La Vache, Switzerland. “But we can no longer hide ourselves from the obvious truth. Human variant mad cow disease is not only here and widespread, but it has been raging through the human population for many years now. There are probably reporters among those of you at this very news conference who are already infected and showing subtle, early symptoms of the illness.”
The marker symptoms of vCJD, said Dr. Wahnsinn, are progressive confusion, depression, behavioral changes and impaired vision and coordination. The disease is incurable and always fatal. According to data published by Dr. Wahnsinn’s research team, medical data that purports to track the incidence of mad cow disease in humans is completely unreliable because most doctors have lacked the necessary information to make the correct diagnosis. The EU Institute for Ruminant Research, by comparison, has compiled extensive data that permitted a statistical model of human infection rates based on patterns of social behavior.
Dr. Beveleché, using a computerized slide presentation, graphed the progress of vCJD in Western Europe during the last decade.
“You will see,” she said while indicating the charts with a red laser pointer, “that the incidence of mad cow disease in Great Britain tracks very precisely with the rise to power of Mr. Tony Blair, a Labor Party Prime Minister who evidences some of the clear symptoms of political confusion and impaired vision shown not only in Mr. Blair but in all of England during the preceding ten years. And now you see in the graphs that after Great Britain implemented measures to curtail the spread of mad cow disease in its cattle herds, public support for Mr. Blair began to tail off, most sharply in the Spring 2003 when the Prime Minister began exhibiting some of his most extreme instances of madness, such as his invasion of Iraq. For Mr. Blair, of course, the illness is both medically and politically incurable. However, there is hope that the English body politic will, in the main, regain its equilibrium before its Prime Minister exhibits further acts of insanity such as an invasion of Syria, Iran, Liechtenstein or the Republic of Ireland.
“Similarly,” added Dr. Wahnsinn, “you see the same socio-political patterns in Spain, Italy and Israel. In these three countries, you have seen the rise of political leaders, like Messrs. Aznar, Berlusconi and Sharon, whose otherwise inexplicable behavior and impaired political vision can only be attributed to early symptoms of human variant mad cow disease.”
“It is in the United States, however, where the infection rates are practically epidemic,” said Dr. Beveleché. “In that country we calculate that nearly 49% of those adults who voted in the last presidential election are already infected with the brain wasting disease. There is no other rational, medically satisfactory explanation how they could have voted for George Bush. As further evidence of spongy brains, this same percentage of the American public fully believes the Administration’s reasons for invading Iraq and is prepared to believe that Mr. Hussein masterminded the 9-11 attack on the World Trade Center. Furthermore,” Dr. Beveleché continued, “the disease has probably already infiltrated into the other 51%, the majority who did not vote for Bush for president, because rather than strenuously object to his appointment to public office, they merely became depressed and accepted what happened as docilely as a herd of cattle.”
There is also a worrisome indication, noted Dr. Wahnsinn, that the infection rate in the United States is still rising. This is evidenced, he pointed out, in the pie charts that show steady or increasing middle and blue collar class support for the Bush Administration despite the fact that the administration continues to undertake absolutely insane policies that hurt the middle and blue collar classes the worst. “The American electorate obviously has holes in its brain as evidenced by its naive support for the evisceration of the medical, social security and educational infrastructure, the conversion of paper ballots to unverifiable computerized voting and the absolutely incredible glowing reports about a robust economy that contradict our own common sense,” the doctor added. "There is additional evidence of rampant bovine spogiform encephalopathy on Wall Street where the bull market itself proves the advanced state of the Mad Cow infection."
“Even more worrisome,” Dr. Wahnsinn said, “is the apparent spread of human variant mad cow disease to the Democratic Party. As it approaches the primary season, some of the Democratic candidates – like Joe Lieberman – seem to be as mad as the Republicans. Other candidates, like Messrs. Gephardt, Kerry, Edwards and Hillary Clinton, have already lost their memories, like how they actually voted for the Iraq War Powers Resolution and the Patriot Act that they now say they oppose. Democratic candidates like Dean and Clark, too, exhibit early signs of vCJD disease because of their ongoing confusion and flip-flopping about where they stand on a number of significant issues. By contrast, Mr. Kucinich,” said Dr. Wahnsinn,” is a long time vegetarian. He has a steadfast, rational, intelligent platform, and he is the one democratic candidate who is obviously not infected by mad cow disease.”
Several reporters inquired of the researchers during the brief question and answer period that followed the press conference.
“How can your team be so sure of its findings,” asked a BBC reporter, “when Mr. Bush’s election seems, instead, to be related to a religious conservative movement in the United States?”
“Well,” replied Dr. Beveleché, “you’ve put the horn before the hoof! It is the ultra conservative religious movement in the United States that is itself indicative of pervasive mad cow infection. In fact, you will observe clear medical coincidence between those states where there is the highest per capita number of barbecues, wiener roasts and tailgate parties and where there is also the highest number of right wing religious wing-nuts and people infected with mad cow disease. They all march together.”
A reporter for FOX television asked in between chewing his cud: “So, isn’t this all the result of a vegan, left-wing, Islamist plot by Osama Bin Laden, the former child-eating dictator of Iraq, Michael Jackson and Bill Clinton’s sexual adventures with big-haired White House interns?”
“Actually,” replied Dr. Wahnsinn, “your question is udderly unintelligible and entirely consistent with other reporting on FOX television, wherefore I can only conclude that you, your audience and your entire network are already as mad a herd of mad cows.”
Another reporter interjected: "President Bush and prominent members of his cabinet have stated they were eating beef over the holidays. In fact, Mr. Bush has told Americans that he has been eating beef all his life. Shouldn't this reassure the American public concerned about mad cow disease?"
"Excuse me," replied Dr. Wahnsinn. "Exactly why is this supposed to be reassuring?"
Reporters from CNN, The Washington Post, MSNBC and The New York Times flicked their tails and asked impatiently in unison, “MoOo?, moooOOO moo moooooooOOooOOoo?”
“Precisely,” replied Dr. Beveleché who is fluent in bovine languages.
At that point, the press conference ended and the media stampeded out the exit doors to file their reports and graze in the fields.
Zbignew Zingh can be reached at Zbig@ersarts.com. This Article is CopyLeft, and free to distribute, reprint, repost, sing at a recital, spray paint, scribble in a toilet stall, etc. to your heart’s content, with proper author citation.
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