clapping for the wrong reasons screenplay
FADE IN
INT. DONALD'S ROOM. - MORNING
DONALD is woken by a knock on his window from an unknown GIRL
GIRL
Phone
DONALD looks over through the window, sits up, puts on his shirt, and walks out to the phone
DONALD
(into phone)
Hello?
WOMAN (V.O)
Hello, who's this?
DONALD
(a beat)
You called me
WOMAN (V.O)
This is the Callifax Collection Company. Who am I speaking with?
DONALD
I know who you're looking for; he's not here
WOMAN(V.O)
Do you know where he can be reached?
DONALD
What month is it?
WOMAN (V.O.)
Uh, it is June I believe
DONALD
Then he's probably in the Northern Hemisphere somewhere
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
DONALD fixes himself some cereal and grabs a bottle of San Pelligrino out of the fridge
When leaving, we see that MISLA, STEFAN, and EMILY are sitting eating cereal, too
EMILY
Fam was just yelling, "Yo, this is Connect Four, not chess"
STEFAN throws up on the floor, and the two girls stop talking and look at him
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL AREA - MORNING
DONALD crosses to FAM, sitting on the edge of the outdoor couch, using his computer
DONALD
Your girl woke me up
FAM
Who?
DONALD
Your girl
FAM
I don't have a girl here. It might be Swank's
DONALD
Anybody coming in today?
FAM
I don't know. Eighty Five might roll through
An airplane flies overhead
DONALD
I love airplanes
FAM
My daddy, he had me on an airplane
DONALD
He had you on an airplane?
FAM
It's like that weird Bill Cosby episode where-
DONALD
--With the Muppets?
FAM
He gave birth to sandwiches
DONALD
--Sandwiches and an orange soda, yeah
FAM
Yeah but that was me on an airplane. It was weird
DONALD
That's like...what’s the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger?
FAM
Oh yeah, with Danny Devito?
DONALD
Nah, that's "Twins"
FAM
Classics, regardless
DONALD
The one with the guy where he's pregnant
FAM
"Baby Mama"?
DONALD
Nah, man. It's called uh...fuck!
FAM
"Kindergarten Cop" with Gary Coleman?
DONALD
"Junior."
FAM
"Junior." That's really good
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE - MORNING
DONALD walks up to a Buddha statue and lights incense, and then inhales from his Pax vaporizer
CUT TO:
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM. - LATE MORNING
DONALD and LUDWIG are sitting and making beats. Donald is playing with his Pax and humming
LUDWIG
You think we're gonna use that uh, that other song you did?
DONALD
Which one?
LUDWIG
The one with the slow 80's sound
DONALD
(mimicking the sound)
I don't know. Play it
LUDWIG
I don't have it
DONALD plays said beat. They both begin nodding their heads to it
DONALD
I like that. We could something that's like
(Hums another beat sound)
Cause no one raps over that
Behind them, a knock on the window from outside is heard. It is the same unknown GIRL from before
GIRL
Your brother wants you
DONALD turns to LUDWIG questioningly
DONALD
Do you know her?
LUDWIG shakes his head, and DONALD gets up
CUT TO:
STAIRCASE
DONALD dribbles a basketball up the stairs into STEVE's room, and throws the ball downstairs once he reaches the top
STEVE, SWANK, and MISLA are talking and playing video games
DONALD
Your room is disgusting
SWANK
It's not...that crazy
STEVE
That's debatable
But yo, Misla swears she's seen more vaginas than me. In real life
MISLA
Listen, I am a woman. I am in locker rooms, in like gyms, whatever. I see naked women all the time. Forever, too. Not just since puberty
SWANK
Before puberty have been searching for naked women and I'm here now and that's all I do
STEVE
You gotta point. 'Boutta say man, how many vaginas have you accidentally seen?
SWANK
Wait, me?
STEVE
Both
SWANK
It's never been an accident
MISLA
It's not an accident for me either
DONALD
What??
The others laugh
STEVE
That's even weirder
DONALD
(To STEVE)
You sent your girl down there for this?
STEVE
I didn't send a girl
DONALD
Swank?
SWANK
Not me. I'm looking for new girls
SWANK
You got girls, downstairs?
MISLA
Of course it's not my girl. Why would I bring girls here?
SWANK
Yeah, Misla never brings girls for anybody
STEVE laughs, and MISLA throws something at SWANK
DONALD walks out
STEVE
(to DONALD)
Yo, if that girl's cute, tell her to come upstairs, though
EXT. LAWN. -- DAY
MISLA is wearing traditional karate garb, practicing her forms on the grass
She does a short routine and bows
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL AREA - MORNING
LUDWIG is playing on his guitar. He plays for a short while.
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL - MORNING
DONALD is leaning over the side to talk to EMILY who is swimming
DONALD
What did you think of track seven?
EMILY
I don't know. It was okay. I don’t know about the second one though. It wasn't scary enough
DONALD
What do you mean scary? It wasn't scary enough?
EMILY
You're not scary
DONALD
I'm pretty scary. I can be scary when I wanna
EMILY
Try
DONALD pushes EMILY's head underwater
DONALD
Totally scary
She comes back up and spits water on him
DONALD
Totally missed
EMILY splashes him
DONALD
Alright
DONALD pauses, and backs up, off screen
He runs, and jumps into the water. EMILY screams
DONALD
My phone's in my pocket!
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE (FRONT DOOR) - DAY
An unknown person walks in and steps out of his shoes
He kicks them off onto a sea of other shoes
CUT TO:
INT. PRODUCTION ROOM - DAY
DONALD is demoing a song to a few others. They are listening along and the power goes out
DONALD
Oh shit
TRINIDAD JAMES
That was tight
DONALD
The power went out
STEFAN
It was too turnt up
CUT TO:
INT. REC. ROOM - DAY
CHANCE and TRINIDAD JAMES are playing a quiet game of Connect Four
CHANCE
(In a funny voice)
This decision is pivotal
CHANCE places a piece into the game, and TRINIDAD JAMES does the same, back and forth
TRINIDAD JAMES
Thanks
CHANCE
God damnit, did I just tweak? I just did it
TRINIDAD JAMES places his winning piece, and CHANCE observes
CHANCE
God damnit!
CHANCE screams and walks away. TRINIDAD JAMES laughs
CUT TO:
EXT. LAWN. - DAY
CHANCE and DONALD are having a push-up contest
STEVE and TRINIDAD JAMES are watching
CHANCE
You're old, Donald
DONALD
You're homeless. I can do this all day. I feel great. I'm getting an erection. Oh man, I'm so hard
STEVE
Stained. I can see it
TRINIDAD JAMES
I feel like Chance's hat might pop off
CHANCE
These are hat on pushups.
DONALD
Go all the way down when someone makes you do pushups
CHANCE falls over, exhausted
DONALD screams at CHANCE in victory
CUT TO:
EXT. PATIO - DAY
Donald is DJing Kyle's song "Fruit Snacks," STEFAN is dancing behind him
STEFAN waves at the mysterious GIRL
DONALD stops DJing and turns to STEFAN, who is still dancing even with the absence of music
DONALD
Do you know her?
STEFAN
No
DONALD
Then why'd you wave?
STEFAN
I'm a gentleman
CUT TO:
INT. LEMON TREE GARDEN - AFTERNOON
DONALD is sitting against a tree and holding the lemons that DANIELLE picks and hands to him
DANIELLE
I've had the most strangely reoccurring dreams over the last week. And uh, it's like of my wedding, but nothing is going right. Everything's a disaster. My guests are all there, it's all of my real life friends. They all look gorgeous. They're all like fully done up in their gowns that they're probably going to wear to the wedding, my family is there. But suddenly I realize I should've been married by now, and I'm not married, I'm not in my wedding dress. I'm all alone, in this giant area where I see my guests being served their cocktail appetizers off of paper plates. Everyone seems to be having a great time, but they're eating off of paper plates. But I am wearing cargo pants. Army cargo pants
DONALD
Like Old Navy?
DANIELLE
Yeah, exactly. Like Old Navy cargo pants. I don't own Old Navy cargo pants. I'm not even sure where that came from in my head, but I'm wearing that with a T shirt and I'm supposed to be getting married. My hair's not done, my makeup's not done. And my mom comes in and asks me, "Why aren't you getting ready for your wedding?" And I'm like "Oh, I will be, I will be" but suddenly I'm smoking a cigarette, I even don't know why I'm smoking a cigarette, but in my mind I also that I'm three or four weeks pregnant. Horrible, right? So I tell my mom, "Mom, you don't know this, but I'm three or four weeks pregnant" and she says not "Put down the cigarette", she says, "Maybe you should get into your wedding dress". It's all very, very weird. I'm not sure what it means at all
DONALD
I think we have too many lemons
DANIELLE
One more?
DONALD
Yeah
DANIELLE
And these two
DONALD
Yeah, some of them. That'll be enough
DANIELLE
We can make guacamole
CUT TO:
INT. PIANO ROOM / EXT. POOL - DUSK
STEFAN is playing the piano. His music transitions to:
The legs of an unknown person balancing and walking along the edge of the pool
CUT TO:
A MONTAGE:
A group of people are dancing around speakers. Assumingly, music is playing, but the events of that scene are muted, and replaced by the dialogue of...
INT. MOVIE ROOM. - NIGHT
DONALD and FLYING LOTUS are exchanging verses they've written
FLYING LOTUS
Investing time on writing lies, slightly truth without a clue
I met my higher self, pissing off the roofs of drunken goofs
He said "keep the mic smelly like a rotten tooth"
And all your fears forgotten when the Cap is in the booth
I'm an angel in an agony of flame
Feathers growing at the mention of my name, reinvention of my shame
I'm a slave to the darkness of my innermost cave
And all these words I hold tighter than a glowstick at a rave, nigga
Dance around the camp fire, buttnaked, blowing trees
Could give a single fuck if somebody sees, I'm free
Red "V" bleed out a scarlet letter, kill a king
And I'll sitting ready for whatever weather the seasons sing
Picking up expensive habits, chasing after little rabbits
Hope they lead me to a place of magic
Sad at all the times I never thought I had it
Losing all these memories, and y'all doubt it matters...
Patterns
DONALD
Mouth to a Pellegrino, bottle color of envy
Who the fuck is Gambino, I hand a waitress a benji
To act like she never met me, I'm saying though
They want the game changed when your shit on the radio
Fruit was so hanging low, I didn't even bother
She tryna land Obama's, man she get it from her mama
I don't blame her, I tame her, give her something to visualize
On my couch watching DVR'd "American Dad"
Man those new Celine bags are so to die for
I'm in that Porsche on Prozac, them suicide doors
Watch her walk as the death becomes her
Cause Mrs. Tarantino kill bills, no wonder
My heaven is the present, so maybe this is it.
Pray to God every night to make me believe he exists
Drink a fifth of vodka, I don't need no sponsor,
Heard a preacher holler, make him hold these souls
And that's when like the hook...
FLYING LOTUS
Yeah that's tight. I like that
You know you got a little...
He points to DONALD's nose, and DONALD touches it to find blood dripping
DONALD
Oh shit
FLYING LOTUS
Yeah
DONALD gets up, and runs to the bathroom
FLYING LOTUS(CONT'D)
Wow
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
DONALD examines his nose in the mirror, surprised by the bleeding
He looks for the source of all the blood, and notices and obstruction in his nasal passage- it's a string
Nauseated and scared, he pulls the long, blood soaked string while gagging and coughing. Finally, he dislodges the string and what is attached at the end, a golden tooth
He places it next to the sink and washes his hands, as the sound of the running water transitions into a similar sound of the shower water as DONALD now sits in the shower
He is still, and his back is to us
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL AREA - NIGHT
DONALD and FAM are sitting next to a bonfire, eating s'mores and swapping childhood stories
FAM
I remember being seventeen, being scared as hell. Getting prank calls, like crazy stuff. Just like senior year in high school. Had a lot of girls, it's crazy. So, this one girl, she was super crazy, she would call my phone from a blocked number, and it was her. But then I started getting like the crazy death threats. Started as a joke, then they knew exactly what kind of car I was driving, where I liked to hang out. Then they started shooting in the area, so I couldn't sleep at home anymore. Went and got a gun from my friend. Started sleeping on the street for a week. The scariest thing about it all though, is having a gun knowing you might have to use it. scarier than than killing somebody is thinking about killing somebody. Sometimes you can't explain why things happen. Those seven days, man, just couldn't handle it. Just couldn't handle it. You just get to that point like why did I get here? Sometimes they just do
DONALD
When I was like five or six, we were living in Decatur, in the projects. On Commerce Drive. It's nice now, but like we were living there and I remember my mom's friend. Like a friend of the family. This kid like... Something happened, I didn't understand it but he had to stay with us for a couple of day. I didn't really understand it. But we didn't have any space. So he had to sleep in my bed. I remember in the morning waking up and he was like "Let's rub butts". I was like "okay" like whatever I did it. And I didn't really get it. And then I turned, when we turned he kissed me
FAM
He kissed you?
DONALD
Yeah. Like you said, I don't know why it happened. I don't know why it happened
FAM
Did anybody like know about this?
DONALD
Nah, just him
FAM
That's wild
DONALD
It's crazy
FAM
Like I said, sometimes you just can't explain things
DONALD
I'm gonna go inside
FAM
Alright, I gonna stay out here, man
DONALD begins to walk inside as we...
CUT TO:
HALLWAY
DONALD is walking to his room, as the GIRL passes him in the opposite direction
He turns, quizzically
DONALD
Who are you?
She doesn't respond, or even look at him, and keeps walking. Donald continues walking to his room
CUT TO:
INT. DONALD'S ROOM. - NIGHT
He is flying face up, eyes closed. The phone rings and he opens his eyes
He leans over and picks up the phone
WOMAN (V.O.)
Hello, who's this?
DONALD immediately hangs up, looks down for a moment, and takes off his sweatshirt and shirt
He lies down and falls back asleep
FADE OUT