From the purity of your mind, from the idolatry with which this woman
has inspired you, you have imagined no delight beyond that of enjoying
her society as you now do, and have never fostered a hope beyond this
privilege. "How quickly would this tranquillity vanish, and the true state of your
heart be evinced, if a rival should enter the scene and be entertained
with preference! then would the seal be removed, the spell be broken,
and you would awaken to terror and to anguish. "Of this, however, there is no danger. Your passion is not felt by you
alone. From her treatment of you, your diffidence disables you from
seeing, but nothing can be clearer to me than that she loves you." I started on my feet. A flush of scorching heat flowed to every part of
my frame. My temples began to throb like my heart. I was half delirious,
and my delirium was strangely compounded of fear and hope, of delight
and of terror. "What have you done, my friend? You have overturned my peace of mind. Till now the image of this woman has been followed by complacency and
sober rapture; but your words have dashed the scene with dismay and
confusion. You have raised up wishes, and dreams, and doubts, which
possess me in spite of my reason, in spite of a thousand proofs. "Good God! You say she loves,--loves _me_!--me, a boy in age; bred in
clownish ignorance; scarcely ushered into the world; more than
childishly unlearned and raw; a barn-door simpleton; a plough-tail,
kitchen-hearth, turnip-hoeing novice! She, thus splendidly endowed; thus
allied to nobles; thus gifted with arts, and adorned with graces; that
she should choose me, me for the partner of her fortune; her affections;
and her life! It cannot be. Yet, if it were; if your guesses
should--prove--Oaf! madman! To indulge so fatal a chimera! So rash a
dream! "My friend! my friend! I feel that you have done me an irreparable
injury. I can never more look her in the face. I can never more frequent
her society. These new thoughts will beset and torment me. My disquiet
will chain up my tongue. That overflowing gratitude; that innocent joy,
unconscious of offence, and knowing no restraint, which have hitherto
been my titles to her favour, will fly from my features and manners. I
shall be anxious, vacant, and unhappy in her presence. I shall dread to
look at her, or to open my lips, lest my mad and unhallowed ambition
should betray itself." "Well," replied Stevens, "this scene is quite new. I could almost find
it in my heart to pity you. I did not expect this; and yet, from my
knowledge of your character, I ought, perhaps, to have foreseen it. This
is a necessary part of the drama. A joyous certainty, on these
occasions, must always be preceded by suspenses and doubts, and the
close will be joyous in proportion as the preludes are excruciating. Go
to bed, my good friend, and think of this. Time and a few more
interviews with Mrs. Fielding will, I doubt not, set all to rights." CHAPTER XLVIII. I went to my chamber, but what different sensations did I carry into it
from those with which I had left it a few hours before! I stretched
myself on the mattress and put out the light; but the swarm of new
images that rushed on my mind set me again instantly in motion. All was
rapid, vague, and undefined, wearying and distracting my attention. I
was roused as by a divine voice, that said, "Sleep no more! Mervyn shall
sleep no more." What chiefly occupied me was a nameless sort of terror. What shall I
compare it to? Methinks, that one falling from a tree overhanging a
torrent, plunged into the whirling eddy, and gasping and struggling
while he sinks to rise no more, would feel just as I did then. Nay, some
such image actually possessed me. Such was one of my reveries, in which
suddenly I stretched my hand, and caught the arm of a chair. This act
called me back to reason, or rather gave my soul opportunity to roam
into a new track equally wild. Was it the abruptness of this vision that thus confounded me? was it a
latent error in my moral constitution, which this new conjuncture drew
forth into influence? These were all the tokens of a mind lost to
itself; bewildered; unhinged; plunged into a drear insanity. Nothing less could have prompted so fantastically; for, midnight as it
was, my chamber's solitude was not to be supported. After a few turns
across the floor, I left the room, and the house. I walked without
design and in a hurried pace. I posted straight to the house of Mrs. Fielding. I lifted the latch, but the door did not open. It was, no
doubt, locked. "How comes this?" said I, and looked around me. The hour and occasion
were unthought of. Habituated to this path, I had taken it
spontaneously. "How comes this?" repeated I. "Locked upon _me_! but I
will summon them, I warrant me,"--and rung the bell, not timidly or
slightly, but with violence. Some one hastened from above. I saw the
glimmer of a candle through the keyhole. "Strange," thought I; "a candle at noonday!" --The door was opened, and
my poor Bess, robed in a careless and hasty manner, appeared. She
started at sight of me, but merely because she did not, in a moment,
recognise me.--"Ah! Arthur, is it you? Come in. My mamma has wanted you
these two hours. I was just going to despatch Philip to tell you to
come." "Lead me to her," said I. She led the way into the parlour.--"Wait a moment here; I will tell her
you are come;"--and she tripped away. Presently a step was heard. The door opened again, and then entered a
man. He was tall, elegant, sedate to a degree of sadness; something in
his dress and aspect that bespoke the foreigner, the Frenchman. "What," said he, mildly, "is your business with my wife? She cannot see
you instantly, and has sent me to receive your commands." "Your _wife_! I want Mrs. Fielding." "True; and Mrs. Fielding is my wife. Thank Heaven, I have come in time
to discover her, and claim her as such." I started back. I shuddered. My joints slackened, and I stretched my
hand to catch something by which I might be saved from sinking on the
floor. Meanwhile, Fielding changed his countenance into rage and fury. He called me villain! bade me avaunt! and drew a shining steel from his
bosom, with which he stabbed me to the heart. I sunk upon the floor, and
all, for a time, was darkness and oblivion! At length, I returned as it
were to life. I opened my eyes. The mists disappeared, and I found
myself stretched upon the bed in my own chamber. I remembered the fatal
blow I had received. I put my hand upon my breast; the spot where the
dagger entered. There were no traces of a wound. All was perfect and
entire. Some miracle had made me whole. I raised myself up. I re-examined my body. All around me was hushed,
till a voice from the pavement below proclaimed that it was "past three
o'clock." "What!" said I; "has all this miserable pageantry, this midnight
wandering, and this ominous interview, been no more than--_a dream_?"