There was a great roar of laughter at this, but by degrees poor Stag got
through the business of the twelve o'clock batch, and sat down with a
sigh, to console herself, by eating two or three of the most
luscious-looking that remained. "It ain't to be denied," said Stag, "but they are good. I never met with
such gravy in all my life as is in 'em. Yes, they are first-rate. I'll
just put one in the crown of my bonnet, for there's no knowing a minute
now when Mrs. L. may pop in upon one at unawares-like. It's a comfort to
have one of these pies, promiscous like, at one's hand, to lay hold of
just in this sort of way, and pass in one's mouth in this kind of way. Oh, heart alive, but this is a good one. I declare the gravy is running
out of it like water from a plug, when there's no house on fire, and it
ain't wanted." Mrs. Stag would have done very well indeed if she could but have got
something to drink. That certainly was a drawback, that at first the
lady's ingenuity did not present any means of speedily overcoming; but
as necessity is the mother of invention, Mrs. Stag at last hit upon a
plan. "There's plenty of money in the till, of course," she said, "and suppose
I stand at the door, and wait, till some wretch of a boy passes, and
then give him a halfpenny for himself, just to run to the corner and get
me a drop of something warm and comfortable." Mrs. Stag had no sooner started this "suppose," than she felt a burning
desire to carry it out; and accordingly, history says, that at a quarter
to one she might have been seen at the door of Mrs. Lovett's pie-shop,
with a shilling in one hand, a halfpenny in another, and a bottle
concealed in her pocket, looking like an ogress at every boy who passed,
and who looked as though he wanted a halfpenny, and consequently would
go upon the secret message, for the purpose of earning one there and
then. Presently one came along the centre of Bell Yard, who seemed just the
sort of person. "Boy, boy!" cried Mrs. Stag. "Well, old 'un," he replied, "what do you bring it in--Wilful Murder
with the chill off, or what?" "Don't be owdacious. If you want to earn a penny--I mean a
halfpenny--honestly, take this shilling and this bottle, and go to the
corner, and get a quartern of the best." "The best what?" "Oh, you foolish boy. Gin, of course; but remember that my eye is upon
you." It was well that Mrs. Stag spoke in the singular regarding her optical
organ, for she had but one. The boy professed a ready acquiescence, and
away he went, with the bottle and the shilling. Alas! Mrs. Stag was left
lamenting. He came not back again, and from thenceforward Mrs. Stag lost
the small amount of faith she had had in boyhood. The well-concocted
scheme had failed, and there she was, with countless halfpence in the
till, and so thirsting for strong water, that she was half inclined to
make a grand rush herself to the nearest public-house, and chance any
one in the interim helping themselves to the pies _ad lib_. But she was not reduced to that extremity. Suddenly the window was
darkened by a shadow, and through one of the topmost panes an immense
hideous face, with an awful grin upon it, confronted Mrs. Stag. The good lady was fascinated--not in an agreeable sense, but in quite
the reverse--she could not take her eyes from off the hideous gigantic
face, as it placed itself close to the frame of ill-made greenish glass,
in order to get a good view into the shop. "Goodness gracious, it's _Luficer_ himself!" said Mrs. Stag. "I'm a lost
woman. Quite a lost woman. I'm undone. It's _Luficer_ himself, I'm sure
and certain!" Probably the hideous eyes that belonged to the hideous face, conveyed
the impression to the brain behind them that Mrs. Stag was in a state of
apprehension; for suddenly the face was withdrawn, and Todd--yes, Todd
himself, for to whom else could such a face belong?--made his way into
the shop. Mrs. Stag groaned again, and in a stammering voice, said--

"If you please, sir. I--I ain't ready yet." "Ready for what?" said Todd. "To go to--to--the brimstone beds, if you please, sir. I haven't done
half enough yet." "Pho!" said Todd. "My good woman, you don't surely take me for the
devil? I am an old friend of Mrs. Lovett's, and a neighbour. I have just
stepped in to ask her how she does to day." Mrs. Stag drew a long breath of relief as she said--

"Well, really, sir, I begs your parding. It must have been the pane of
glass that--that--that--"

"Threw my face out of shape a little," said Todd, making one of his most
hideous contortions, and finishing it off with a loud "Ha!" Mrs. Stag nearly fell off her chair. But it was not Todd's wish to
frighten her, although he had, in the hilarity of his heart, yielded,
like Lord Brougham, to the speculative fun of the moment. He now tried
to reassure her. "Don't be at all alarmed at me, madam," he said. "Mrs. Lovett laughs
often at my little funny ways. Is she at home?" Todd knew what sort of home he had provided Mrs. Lovett with, and this
visit to Bell Yard was one partly of curiosity and partly of triumph, to
ascertain how she had left things in her absence from her establishment. "No, sir," said Mrs. Stag, replying to the question of Todd; "she is not
at home, sir." "Dear me, I thought she was always in at this time of the day. When,
madam, do you expect her?" "Leastways," said Mrs. Stag, "I don't know, sir." "Were you here, madam, when she left home?" "Yes, I _were_." "Oh, and did she leave any message, madam, in case Mr. Todd from Fleet
Street should call? Pray recollect yourself, my dear madam, as it may
possibly be important. I do not say that it is, but it may be." "No, sir," replied Mrs. Stag; "oh dear, no. All she said was, that she
was going to a christening." "A christening? Ha! She has been christened!" "Sir!" "I only said she had been christened, and no stint of the water, that
was all, madam; but I perfectly understand you. Mrs. Lovett has gone to
the christening of some one of those sweet little innocents, all perfume
and flabbiness, that take one's heart completely by storm. Ah, my dear
madam, when one looks at the slumbering infant, how one feels an
irresistible desire to smother it." "Lor, sir!" "With soft kisses, my dear madam. Only fancy me now a baby!" Todd made so awful a contortion of visage contingent upon this
supposition that poor Mrs. Stag, in the nervous condition which the
whole adventure had thrown her into, nearly fainted right away. Indeed,
the only thing that recovered her was hearing her visitor say--

"I am really very thirsty to-day. How do you feel, madam?" These were delightful words. "Oh, sir," she said, "how very odd. I am thirsty likewise." "Well, that is remarkable," said Todd. "Now, my dear madam, I don't make
a common thing of saying as much to anybody, but you, who are a lady
evidently of refined taste and intellectual capabilities, I am sure,
will understand me, and make allowances for my feelings when I say that
I prefer to anything else--gin!"