Only let me be your slave, your dog,
damme--your dog, Mrs. Lovett, and I shall consider myself the luckiest
dog in the world, but not for the money--not for the money. No, as the
Marquis of Cleveland once said, 'If you want a thoroughly disinterested
man, go to Bounce.'" "Well, major, since we understand each other so well, there are two
little things that I must name as my conditions." "Name 'em--name 'em. Do you want me to bring you the king's eye-tooth,
or her majesty's wig and snuff-box--only say the word." "One is, that I will leave England. I have a private reason for so
doing." "Damme, so have I. That is a-hem! If you have a reason, that is a reason
to me, you know." "Exactly. In some other capital of Europe we may spend our money and
enjoy all the delights of existence. Do you speak French?" "Ah-hem! Oh, of course. I never tried particularly, but as Lord North
said to the Duke of Bridgewater, 'Bounce is the man if you want anything
done of an out of-the-way character.'" "Very well, then. My next condition is, that you shave off your
moustache." "What?" "Shave off your moustache; I have the greatest possible aversion to
moustache, therefore I make that a positive condition without which I
shall say no more to you." "My charmer, do you think I hesitate? If you were to say to me, 'Bounce,
off with your head,' in a moment it would roll at your feet." "Go, then, to Mr. Todd's, the barber, in Fleet-street, and have them
taken off at once, and then come back to me, for I declare I won't speak
another word to you while you have them on." "But, dear creature--"

Mrs. Lovett shook her head. "'Pon honour!" She shook her head again. "I'll go at once then, 'pon soul, and have 'em taken off. I'll be back
in a jiffy, Mrs. Lovett. Oh, you duck, I adore you. Confound the cash! It's you I knuckle under to. Man doats on Venus, and I love Lovett. Bye,
bye; I'll get it done and soon be back. Fifty thousand--fifty--fif.--Oh,
lor' why Flukes, your fortune is made at last." These last words did not reach the ear of Mrs. Lovett. That lady threw
herself into a chair, where the gallant major had left her. "Another!" she said. "Another! Why did he try to deceive me? The fool,
to pitch upon me, of all persons, to make his victim. I must have found
him out, and poisoned him, if I had married him. It is better that Todd
should take vengeance for me, and then the time shall come when he shall
fall. Yes, so soon as I can, by cajollery or scheming, get sufficient of
the plunder into my own hands, Todd's hours are numbered." After this, Mrs. Lovett fell into a train of musing, and her face
assumed an expression so different from that with which she was wont to
welcome her customers in the shop, that not one of them would have known
her. But we must look at Todd. It was upon his return home from several
calls, the last of which had been this recent visit to Mrs. Lovett, that
he had heard the noise in his house, which had terminated in his going
up stairs, and being so terrified by Crotchet. It will be recollected
that he fell insensible upon the staircase, and that Crotchet took that
opportunity of making good his retreat. How long he lay there, he, Todd,
had no means of knowing, for all was profound darkness upon the
staircase, but his first sensation consisted of a tingling in his feet
and hands, similar to the sensation which is properly called "your limbs
going to sleep." Then a knocking noise came upon his sense of hearing. "What's that? Where am I?" he cried. "No--no. Don't hang me. Where's
Mrs. Lovett? Hang her. She is guilty!" Knock!--knock!--knock! "Hush! hush! What is it? Who wants me? Good God--no--no. There is no
good God for me!" Knock! knock! knock! came again with increased violence at the door of
the shop below. CHAPTER XLIII. AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE. Todd scrambled to his feet. He held his head in his hand. "What does it all mean? What does it all mean?" Knock! knock! knock! Todd's senses were slowly returning to him. He began to recollect events
at first confusedly, and then the proper order of their occurrence--how
he had come home, and then heard a noise, and gone up stairs and
seen--what? There he paused in his catalogue of events. What had he
seen?" Knock! knock! knock! "Curses!" he muttered. "Who can that be hammering with such devilish
perseverance at my door? By all that's horrible they shall pay dearly
for thus disturbing me. Who can it be? Not any one to arrest me? No--no! They would not knock so long. An enforced entrance long before this
would have brought them to me. What did I see? What did I see? What did
I see? Dare I give it a name?" He slowly descended the stairs, and reaching the shop, he peeped through
a place in the door which he had made for such a purpose. There stood
the hero of the moustachios knocking away with all his might to get the
behests of Mrs. Lovett obeyed. Todd suddenly flung open the door, and in
fell Major Bounce, alias Flukes. "The devil! What do you want?" "'Pon honour. Damn it. Is this the way to treat a military man?" Todd turned to the side of the shop, and hastily put on a wig--by an
adroit movement of his fingers, he pulled his cravat sufficiently out
from his neck to be able to bury his chin in it, and when he turned to
the mock major, the latter had no suspicion that he looked upon the same
person who had so alarmed him by a look, in Bell Yard. "Shaved or dressed sir?" said Todd. "Confound you. Why did you open the door so quick?" "Thought you knocked, sir." "I did, but stop my breath, if you haven't given me an ugly fall. But no
matter. None but the brave deserve the fair. You perceive I am a
military man?" "Oh, yes, sir, anybody may see that by your martial air." "A-hem! You are right. Well then, Mr. Barber, I want my moustache shaved
off. It's a fancy of a lady. One of the most charming of her sex. One
with a fifty thousand pound charm. 'Pon my valour, she has. Ah! I am a
lucky dog. Thirty-eight--handsome as Apollo, and beloved by the fairest
of the fair." "Life is a jolly thing,
    Life is a jolly thing,
    While I drink deep and go frolicking,
    Fair maids, wives, and widows,
    Fair maids, wives, and widows
    Doat on the youth that goes frolicking." "Ha! ha! ha! Life's a bumper. Upon my valour, Mr. Barber, I feel like a
young colt, that I do." "Really, sir. You don't say so?" "Oh, yes, yes! Ha! ha! All's right. All's right. Now, Mr.
What's-your-name. Off with the moustache. It's only in the cause of the
fair that I would condescend to part with them, that's a fact, but when
a lady's in the case--upon my valour, you are an ugly fellow." "You don't say so," replied Todd, as he made a most hideous contortion. "Most people think me so fascinating that they stay with me." "Ha! ha! A good joke." Major Bounce--we may as well still call the poor wretch Major
Bounce--placed his hat upon a chair, and his sword upon the top of it. "Pray, sir, be seated," said Todd. "Ah! Damme, is this seat a fixture?"