"Well, sir, you have certainly made a most unexpected choice of weapons. I can use a sword still, but am by no means a master of fencing. However, it shall not be said that I went back from my word, and let the
chances be as desperate as they may, I will meet you." "Very good." "With swords?" "Ay, with swords; but I must have everything properly arranged, so that
no blame can rest on me, you know. As you will be killed, you are safe
from all consequences, but I shall be in a very different position; so,
if you please, I must have this meeting got up in such a manner as shall
enable me to prove, to whoever may question me on the subject, that you
had fair play." "Oh, never fear that." "But I do fear it. The world, my good sir, is censorious, and you cannot
stop people from saying extremely ill-natured things." "What do you require, then?" "I require you to send me a friend with a formal challenge." "Well?" "Then I shall refer him to a friend of mine, and they two must settle
everything between them." "Is that all?" "Not quite. I will have a surgeon on the ground, in case, when I pink
you, there should be a chance of saving your life. It always looks
humane." "When you pink me?" "Precisely." "Upon my word, you take these affairs easy. I suppose you have had a few
of them?" "Oh, a good number. People like yourself worry me into them, I don't
like the trouble, I assure you; it is no amusement to me. I would
rather, by a great deal, make some concession than fight, because I will
fight with swords, and the result is then so certain that there is no
danger in the matter to me." "Hark you, Sir Francis Varney. You are either a very clever actor, or a
man, as you say, of such skill with your sword, that you can make sure
of the result of a duel. You know, therefore, that it is not fair play
on your part to fight a duel with that weapon." "Oh, I beg your pardon there. I never challenge anybody, and when
foolish people will call me out, contrary to my inclination, I think I
am bound to take what care of myself I can." "D--n me, there's some reason in that, too," said the admiral; "but why
do you insult people?" "People insult me first." "Oh, nonsense!" "How should you like to be called a vampyre, and stared at as if you
were some hideous natural phenomenon?" "Well, but--"

"I say, Admiral Bell, how should you like it? I am a harmless country
gentleman, and because, in the heated imaginations of some member of a
crack-brained family, some housebreaker has been converted into a
vampyre, I am to be pitched upon as the man, and insulted and persecuted
accordingly." "But you forget the proofs." "What proofs?" "The portrait, for one." "What! Because there is an accidental likeness between me and an old
picture, am I to be set down as a vampyre? Why, when I was in Austria
last, I saw an old portrait of a celebrated court fool, and you so
strongly resemble it, that I was quite struck when I first saw you with
the likeness; but I was not so unpolite as to tell you that I considered
you were the court fool turned vampyre." "D--n your assurance!" "And d--n yours, if you come to that." The admiral was fairly beaten. Sir Francis Varney was by far too
long-headed and witty for him. After now in vain endeavouring to find
something to say, the old man buttoned up his coat in a great passion,
and looking fiercely at Varney, he said,--"I don't pretend to a gift of
the gab. D--n me, it ain't one of my peculiarities; but though you may
talk me down, you sha'n't keep me down." "Very good, sir." "It is not very good. You shall hear from me." "I am willing." "I don't care whether you are willing or not. You shall find that when
once I begin to tackle an enemy, I don't so easily leave him. One or
both of us, sir, is sure to sink." "Agreed." "So say I. You shall find that I'm a tar for all weathers, and if you
were a hundred and fifty vampires all rolled into one, I'd tackle you
somehow." The admiral walked to the door in high dudgeon; when he was near to it,
Varney said, in some of his most winning and gentle accents,--

"Will you not take some refreshment, sir before you go from my humble
house?" "No!" roared the admiral. "Something cooling?" "No!" "Very good, sir. A hospitable host can do no more than offer to
entertain his guests." Admiral Bell turned at the door, and said, with some degree of intense
bitterness,

"You look rather poorly. I suppose, to-night, you will go and suck
somebody's blood, you shark--you confounded vampyre! You ought to be
made to swallow a red-hot brick, and then let dance about till it
digests." Varney smiled as he rang the bell, and said to a servant,--

"Show my very excellent friend Admiral Bell out. He will not take any
refreshments." The servant bowed, and preceded the admiral down the staircase; but, to
his great surprise, instead of a compliment in the shape of a shilling
or half-a-crown for his pains, he received a tremendous kick behind,
with a request to go and take it to his master, with his compliments. The fume that the old admiral was in beggars all description. He walked
to Bannerworth Hall at such a rapid pace, that Jack Pringle had the
greatest difficulty in the world to keep up with him, so as to be at all
within speaking distance. "Hilloa, Jack," cried the old man, when they were close to the Hall. "Did you see me kick that fellow?" "Ay, ay, sir." "Well, that's some consolation, at any rate, if somebody saw it. It
ought to have been his master, that's all I can say to it, and I wish it
had." "How have you settled it, sir?" "Settled what?" "The fight, sir." "D--n me, Jack, I haven't settled it at all." "That's bad, sir." "I know it is; but it shall be settled for all that, I can tell him, let
him vapour as much as he may about pinking me, and one thing and
another." "Pinking you, sir?" "Yes. He wants to fight with cutlasses, or toasting-forks, d--n me, I
don't know exactly which, and then he must have a surgeon on the ground,
for fear when he pinks me I shouldn't slip my cable in a regular way,
and he should be blamed." Jack gave a long whistle, as he replied,--

"Going to do it, sir?" "I don't know now what I'm going to do. Mind, Jack, mum is the word." "Ay, ay, sir." "I'll turn the matter over in my mind, and then decide upon what had
best be done. If he pinks me, I'll take d----d good care he don't pink
Charles." "No, sir, don't let him do that. A _wamphigher_, sir, ain't no good
opponent to anybody. I never seed one afore, but it strikes me as the
best way to settle him, would be to shut him up in some little bit of a
cabin, and then smoke him with brimstone, sir." "Well, well, I'll consider, Jack, I'll consider. Something must be done,
and that quickly too. Zounds, here's Charles--what the deuce shall I say
to him, by way of an excuse, I wonder, for not arranging his affair with
Varney? Hang me, if I ain't taken aback now, and don't know where to
place a hand." CHAPTER XXIV.