My extremest point of wretchedness can be nothing to what this
symbol of divine humiliation for the sins of man, has undergone for
mine!”--and I kissed the sacred image (with lips wandering from the
darkness) with more emotion than I had ever felt when I saw it
illuminated by the blaze of tapers, amid the elevation of the Host, the
tossing of the perfumed censers, the gorgeous habits of the priests, and
the breathless prostration of the faithful. I had other occupations less
dignified, but quite as necessary. The reptiles, who filled the hole
into which I had been thrust, gave me opportunity for a kind of
constant, miserable, ridiculous hostility. My mat had been placed in the
very seat of warfare;--I shifted it,--still they pursued me;--I placed
it against the wall,--the cold crawling of their bloated limbs often
awoke me from my sleep, and still oftener made me shudder when awake. I
struck at them;--I tried to terrify them by my voice, to arm myself
against them by the help of my mat; but above all, my anxiety was
ceaseless to defend my bread from their loathsome incursions, and my
pitcher of water from their dropping into it. I adopted a thousand
precautions, trivial as they were inefficacious, but still there was
occupation. I do assure you, Sir, I _had more to do in my dungeon than
in my cell_. To be fighting with reptiles in the dark appears the most
horrible struggle that can be assigned to man; but what is it compared
to his combat with those reptiles which his own heart hourly engenders
in a cell, and of which, if his heart be the mother, solitude is the
father. I had another employment,--I cannot call it occupation. I had
calculated with myself, that sixty minutes made an hour, and sixty
seconds a minute. I began to think I could keep time as accurately as
any clock in a convent, and measure the hours of my confinement or--my
release. So I sat and counted sixty; a doubt always occurred to me, that
I _was counting them faster than the clock_. Then I wished to be the
clock, that I might have no feeling, no _motive for hurrying on the
approach of time_. Then I reckoned slower. Sleep sometimes overtook me
in this exercise, (perhaps I adopted it from that hope); but when I
awoke, I applied to it again instantly. Thus I oscillated, reckoned, and
measured time on my mat, while time withheld its delicious diary of
rising and setting suns,--of the dews of dawn and of twilight,--of the
glow of morning and the shades of the evening. When my reckoning was
broken by my sleep, (and I knew not whether I slept by day or by night),
I tried to eke it out by my incessant repetition of minutes and seconds,
and I succeeded; for I always consoled myself, that whatever hour it
was, sixty minutes must go to an hour. Had I led this life much longer,
I might have been converted into the idiot, who, as I have read, from
the habit of watching a clock, imitated its mechanism so well, that when
it was down, he sounded the hour as faithfully as ear could desire. Such
was my life. On the fourth day, (as I reckoned by the visits of the
monk), he placed my bread and water on the block of stone as usual, but
hesitated for some time before he departed. In fact, he felt a
repugnance at delivering an intimation of hope; it was not consonant
either to his profession, or the office which, in the wantonness of
monastic malignity, he had accepted as penance. You shudder at this,
Sir, but it is nevertheless true; this man thought he was doing service
to God, by witnessing the misery of a being incarcerated amid famine,
darkness, and reptiles. He recoiled when his penance terminated. Alas! how false is that religion which makes our aggravating the sufferings of
others our mediator with that God who willeth all men to be saved. But
this is a question to be solved in convents. This man hesitated long,
struggled with the ferocity of his nature, and at last departed and
bolted the door, that he might indulge it a few moments longer. Perhaps
in those moments he prayed to God, and ejaculated a petition, that this
protraction of _my_ sufferings might be accepted as a melioration of his
own. I dare say he was very sincere; but if men were taught to look to
the _one great Sacrifice_, would they be so ready to believe that their
own, or those of others, could ever be accepted as a commutation for it? You are surprised, Sir, at these sentiments from a Catholic; but another
part of my story will disclose the cause of my uttering them. At length
this man could delay his commission no longer. He was obliged to tell me
that the Superior was moved by my sufferings, that God had touched his
heart in my behalf, and that he permitted me to quit my dungeon. The
words were scarce out of his mouth, before I rose, and rushed out with a
shout that electrified him. Emotion is very unusual in convents, and the
expression of joy a phenomenon. I had gained the passage before he
recovered his surprise; and the convent walls, which I had considered as
those of a prison, now appeared the area of emancipation. Had its doors
been thrown open to me that moment, I don’t think I could have felt a
more exquisite sensibility of liberty. I fell on my knees in the passage
to thank God. I thanked him for the light, for the air, for the restored
power of respiration. As I was uttering these effusions, (certainly not
the least sincere that were ever poured forth within those walls),
suddenly I became sick,--my head swam round,--I had feasted on the light
to excess. I fell to the ground, and remember nothing for many hours
afterwards. When I recovered my senses, I was in my cell, which appeared
just as I had left it; it was day-light, however; and I am persuaded
that circumstance contributed more to my restoration, than the food and
cordials with which I was now liberally supplied. All that day I heard
nothing, and had time to meditate on the motives of the indulgence with
which I had been treated. I conceived that an order might have been
issued to the Superior to produce me, or, at all events, that he could
not prevent those interviews between the advocate and me, which the
former might insist on as necessary while my cause was carrying on. Towards evening some monks entered my cell; they talked of indifferent
matters,--affected to consider my absence as the result of
indisposition, and I did not undeceive them. They mentioned, as if
incidentally, that my father and mother, overwhelmed with grief at the
scandal I had brought on religion by appealing against my vows, had
quitted Madrid. At this intelligence I felt much more emotion than I
showed. I asked them how long I had been _ill_? They answered, Four
days. This confirmed my suspicions with regard to the cause of my
liberation, for the advocate’s letter had mentioned, that on the fifth
day he would require an interview with me on the subject of my appeal. They then departed; but I was soon to receive another visitor.