He rose and drank more raw brandy, after which, still muttering
maledictions upon Watson, he returned to his bed-room, where, if he did
not sleep, and if during the still hours of the night his brain was not
too much vexed, he hoped to be able to concoct some scheme which should
present him with a prospect of exemplary vengeance upon Watson. CHAPTER XXXV. MRS. LOVETT'S NEW LOVER. Mrs. Lovett was a woman of luxurious habits. Perhaps the constant
savoury hot pie atmosphere in which she dwelt contributed a something to
the development of her tastes, but certainly that lady, in dress,
jewellery, and men, had her fancies. Did the reader think that she saw
anything attractive in the satyr-like visage of Todd, with its
eccentricities of vision? Did the reader think that the lawyers' clerks
frequenting her shop suited her taste, varying, as all the world knows
that class of bipeds does, between the fat and flabby, and the white and
candle looking, if we may be allowed the expression? Ah, no,--Mrs.
Lovett's dreams of man had a loftier range, but we must not anticipate. Facts will speak trumpet-tongued for themselves. It is the hour when lawyers' clerks
        From many a gloomy chamber stalk;
    It is the hour when lovers' vows
        Are heard in every Temple walk. Mrs. Lovett was behind her counter all alone, but the loneliness
continued but for a very brief period, for from Carey-street, with a
nervousness of gait highly suggestive of a fear of bailiffs--bailiffs
were there in all their glory--comes a--a what shall we say? Truly there
are some varieties of the genus homo that defy minute classification,
but perhaps this individual who hastened down Bell Yard was the nearest
in approximation to what used to be called "a swaggering companion,"
that can be found. He was a gent upon town--that is to say, according to
his own phraseology, he lived upon his wits; and if the reader will
substitute dishonesty for wits, he will have a much clearer notion of
what the swaggering companion of modern days lived upon. He was tall,
burly, forty years of age, and his bloated countenance and sleepy eyes
betrayed the effects of a long course of intemperance. He wore mock
jewellery of an outrageous size; his attire was flashy and gaudy--his
linen ... the less we say about that the better--enormous black whiskers
(false) shaded his cheeks, and mangey-looking moustache (real) covered
his upper lip--add to all this, such a stock of ignorance and impudence
as may be supposed to thoroughly saturate one individual, and the reader
has the swaggering companion before him. At a rapid pace he neared Mrs.
Lovett's, muttering to himself as he went--

"I wonder if I can gammon her out of a couple of guineas." Yes, reader, this compound of vulgarity, ignorance, impudence and
debauchery was Mrs. Lovett's gentle fancy--her taste--her--her, what
shall we say?--her personification of all that a man should be. Do not
start; Mrs. Lovett has many imitators, for, without libelling the
fairer, better, and more gentle of that sex, who can be such angels as
well as such--a-hem!--there are thousands who would be quite smitten
with the "swaggering companion." When he reached the shop-window, he
placed his nose against it for a moment to reconnoitre who was in the
shop, and seeing the fair one alone, he at once crossed the threshold. "Ah, charmer, how do the fates get on with you?" "Sir--"

A smile upon the face of Mrs. Lovett was a practical contradiction to
the rebuff which her reception of him by words of mouth seemed to carry. "Oh, you bewitching--a--a--"

The remainder of the sentence was lost in the devouring a pie, which the
"swaggering companion" took from the shop counter. "Really, sir," said Mrs. Lovett--"I wish you would not come here, I am
all alone, and--"

"Alone? You beautiful female.--Oh you nice creature.--Allow me." The "swaggering companion" lifted up that portion of the counter which
enabled Mrs. Lovett to pass from one side of it to the other, and as
coolly as possible walked into the parlour. Mrs. Lovett followed him,
protesting at what she called his impudence. But for all that, a bottle
of spirits and some biscuits were procured. The "swaggering companion,"
however, pushed the biscuits aside, saying--

"Pies for me. Pies for me." Mrs. Lovett looked at him scrutinisingly as she said--

"And do you really like the pies, or do you only eat them out of
compliment to me?" "Really like them? I tell you what it is; out of compliment to you, of
course, I could eat anything, but the pies are delicacies.--Where do you
get your veal?" "Well, if you will have pies you shall, Major Bounce." --That was the
name which the "swaggering companion" appended to his disgusting
corporealty. "Certainly, my dear, certainly. As I was saying, I could freely, to
compliment you, eat old Tomkins, the tailor, of Fleet Street." "Really. How do you think he would taste?" "Tough!" "Ha! Ha!" It was an odd laugh that of Mrs. Lovett's. Had she borrowed it from
Todd? "My dear Mrs. L.," said the major, "what made you laugh in that sort of
way? Ah, if I could only persuade you to go from L to B--"

"Sir?" "Now, my charmer, seriously speaking:--Here am I, Major Bounce, a
gentleman with immense expectations, ready and willing to wed the most
charming woman under the sun, if she will only say 'yes.'" "Have you any objection to America?" "America? None in the least.--With you for a companion, America would be
a Paradise. A regular garden of, what do you call it, my dear? Only say
the word, my darling." The major's arm was gently insinuated round the lady's waist, and after
a few moments she spoke. "Major Bounce, I--I have made money." "The devil!--so have I, but the police one day--a-hem!--a-hem!--what a
cough I have." "What on earth do you mean?" "Oh, nothing--nothing--only a joke. You said you had made money, and
that put me in mind of what I read in the 'Chronicle' to-day of some
coiners, that's all. Ha-ha!" "When I spoke of making money, I meant in the way of trade, but having
made it, I should not like to spend it in London, and be pointed out as
the well-known pie-woman." "Pie-woman! Oh, the wretches--only let--"

"Peace. Hold your tongue, and hear me out. If I marry and retire, it
will be far from here--very far indeed." "Ah, any land, with you." The major absolutely saluted the lady. "Be quiet. Pray, in what service are you a major?" "The South American, my love. A much higher service than the British." "Indeed." "Lord bless you, yes. If I was now to go to my estates in South America,
there would be a jubilee of ten days at the very least, and the people
as well as the government would not know how to make enough of me, I can
assure you. In fact, I have as much right to take the rank of general as
of major, but the natural modesty of a military man, and of myself in
particular, steps in and says 'A major be it.'" "Then you have property?" "Property--property? I believe you, I have. Lots!"