It was easy to have hidden this impediment from the eyes of
my companion, but here my integrity refused to yield. I can, indeed, lay
claim to little merit on account of this forbearance. If there had been
no alternative between deceit and the frustration of my hopes, I should
doubtless have dissembled the truth with as little scruple on this as on
a different occasion; but I could not be blind to the weakness of her
with whom I had to contend. CHAPTER XI. "Meanwhile large deductions had been made from my stock of money, and
the remnant would be speedily consumed by my present mode of life. My
expenses far exceeded my previous expectations. In no long time I should
be reduced to my ancient poverty, which the luxurious existence that I
now enjoyed, and the regard due to my beloved and helpless companion,
would render more irksome than ever. Some scheme to rescue me from this
fate was indispensable; but my aversion to labour, to any pursuit the
end of which was merely gain, and which would require application and
attention, continued undiminished. "I was plunged anew into dejection and perplexity. From this I was
somewhat relieved by a plan suggested by Mr. Thetford. I thought I had
experience of his knowledge and integrity, and the scheme that he
proposed seemed liable to no possibility of miscarriage. A ship was to
be purchased, supplied with a suitable cargo, and despatched to a port
in the West Indies. Loss from storms and enemies was to be precluded by
insurance. Every hazard was to be enumerated, and the ship and cargo
valued at the highest rate. Should the voyage be safely performed, the
profits would be double the original expense. Should the ship be taken
or wrecked, the insurers would have bound themselves to make ample,
speedy, and certain indemnification. Thetford's brother, a wary and
experienced trader, was to be the supercargo. "All my money was laid out upon this scheme. Scarcely enough was
reserved to supply domestic and personal wants. Large debts were
likewise incurred. Our caution had, as we conceived, annihilated every
chance of failure. Too much could not be expended on a project so
infallible; and the vessel, amply fitted and freighted, departed on her
voyage. "An interval, not devoid of suspense and anxiety, succeeded. My
mercantile inexperience made me distrust the clearness of my own
discernment, and I could not but remember that my utter and
irretrievable destruction was connected with the failure of my scheme. Time added to my distrust and apprehensions. The time at which tidings
of the ship were to be expected elapsed without affording any
information of her destiny. My anxieties, however, were to be carefully
hidden from the world. I had taught mankind to believe that this project
had been adopted more for amusement than gain; and the debts which I had
contracted seemed to arise from willingness to adhere to established
maxims, more than from the pressure of necessity. "Month succeeded month, and intelligence was still withheld. The notes
which I had given for one-third of the cargo, and for the premium of
insurance, would shortly become due. For the payment of the former, and
the cancelling of the latter, I had relied upon the expeditious return
or the demonstrated loss of the vessel. Neither of these events had
taken place. "My cares were augmented from another quarter. My companion's situation
now appeared to be such as, if our intercourse had been sanctified by
wedlock, would have been regarded with delight. As it was, no symptoms
were equally to be deplored. Consequences, as long as they were involved
in uncertainty, were extenuated or overlooked; but now, when they became
apparent and inevitable, were fertile of distress and upbraiding. "Indefinable fears, and a desire to monopolize all the meditations and
affections of this being, had induced me to perpetuate her ignorance of
any but her native language, and debar her from all intercourse with the
world. My friends were of course inquisitive respecting her character,
adventures, and particularly her relation to me. The consciousness how
much the truth redounded to my dishonour made me solicitous to lead
conjecture astray. For this purpose I did not discountenance the
conclusion that was adopted by some,--that she was my daughter. I
reflected that all dangerous surmises would be effectually precluded by
this belief. "These precautions afforded me some consolation in my present
difficulties. It was requisite to conceal the lady's condition from the
world. If this should be ineffectual, it would not be difficult to
divert suspicion from my person. The secrecy that I had practised would
be justified, in the apprehension of those to whom the personal
condition of Clemenza should be disclosed, by the feelings of a father. "Meanwhile, it was an obvious expedient to remove the unhappy lady to a
distance from impertinent observers. A rural retreat, lonely and
sequestered, was easily procured, and hither she consented to repair. This arrangement being concerted, I had leisure to reflect upon the
evils which every hour brought nearer, and which threatened to
exterminate me. "My inquietudes forbade me to sleep, and I was accustomed to rise before
day and seek some respite in the fields. Returning from one of these
unseasonable rambles, I chanced to meet you. Your resemblance to the
deceased Lodi, in person and visage, is remarkable. When you first met
my eye, this similitude startled me. Your subsequent appeal to my
compassion was clothed in such terms as formed a powerful contrast with
your dress, and prepossessed me greatly in favour of your education and
capacity. "In my present hopeless condition, every incident, however trivial, was
attentively considered, with a view to extract from it some means of
escaping from my difficulties. My love for the Italian girl, in spite of
all my efforts to keep it alive, had begun to languish. Marriage was
impossible; and had now, in some degree, ceased to be desirable. We are
apt to judge of others by ourselves. The passion I now found myself
disposed to ascribe chiefly to fortuitous circumstances; to the impulse
of gratitude, and the exclusion of competitors; and believed that your
resemblance to her brother, your age and personal accomplishments,
might, after a certain time, and in consequence of suitable
contrivances on my part, give a new direction to her feelings. To gain
your concurrence, I relied upon your simplicity, your gratitude, and
your susceptibility to the charms of this bewitching creature. "I contemplated, likewise, another end. Mrs. Wentworth is rich. A youth
who was once her favourite, and designed to inherit her fortunes, has
disappeared, for some years, from the scene. His death is most probable,
but of that there is no satisfactory information. The life of this
person, whose name is Clavering, is an obstacle to some designs which
had occurred to me in relation to this woman. My purposes were crude and
scarcely formed.