It
      is not to be supposed, however, that in the delivery of such
      passages I was found at all deficient in the looking asquint—the
      showing my teeth—the working my knees—the shuffling my feet—or in
      any of those unmentionable graces which are now justly considered
      the characteristics of a popular performer. To be sure they spoke
      of confining me in a strait-jacket—but, good God! they never
      suspected me of having lost my breath. Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very
      early one morning in the mail stage for ——, giving it to be
      understood, among my acquaintances, that business of the last
      importance required my immediate personal attendance in that
      city. The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight
      the features of my companions could not be distinguished. Without
      making any effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be placed
      between two gentlemen of colossal dimensions; while a third, of a
      size larger, requesting pardon for the liberty he was about to
      take, threw himself upon my body at full length, and falling
      asleep in an instant, drowned all my guttural ejaculations for
      relief, in a snore which would have put to blush the roarings of
      the bull of Phalaris. Happily the state of my respiratory
      faculties rendered suffocation an accident entirely out of the
      question. As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to the
      outskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting his
      shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my
      civility. Seeing that I remained motionless (all my limbs were
      dislocated and my head twisted on one side), his apprehensions
      began to be excited; and arousing the rest of the passengers, he
      communicated, in a very decided manner, his opinion that a dead
      man had been palmed upon them during the night for a living and
      responsible fellow-traveller; here giving me a thump on the right
      eye, by way of demonstrating the truth of his suggestion. Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company),
      believed it their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising
      physician, too, having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and
      found me without breath, the assertion of my persecutor was
      pronounced a true bill; and the whole party expressed a
      determination to endure tamely no such impositions for the
      future, and to proceed no farther with any such carcasses for the
      present. I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the “Crow” (by
      which tavern the coach happened to be passing), without meeting
      with any farther accident than the breaking of both my arms,
      under the left hind wheel of the vehicle. I must besides do the
      driver the justice to state that he did not forget to throw after
      me the largest of my trunks, which, unfortunately falling on my
      head, fractured my skull in a manner at once interesting and
      extraordinary. The landlord of the “Crow,” who is a hospitable man, finding that
      my trunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little
      trouble he might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon
      of his acquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and
      receipt for ten dollars. The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operations
      immediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs
      of animation. He now rang the bell, and sent for a neighboring
      apothecary with whom to consult in the emergency. In case of his
      suspicions with regard to my existence proving ultimately
      correct, he, in the meantime, made an incision in my stomach, and
      removed several of my viscera for private dissection. The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea I
      endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all my might,
      and making the most furious contortions—for the operations of the
      surgeon had, in a measure, restored me to the possession of my
      faculties. All, however, was attributed to the effects of a new
      galvanic battery, wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man
      of information, performed several curious experiments, in which,
      from my personal share in their fulfillment, I could not help
      feeling deeply interested. It was a course of mortification to
      me, nevertheless, that although I made several attempts at
      conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely in abeyance,
      that I could not even open my mouth; much less, then, make reply
      to some ingenious but fanciful theories of which, under other
      circumstances, my minute acquaintance with the Hippocratian
      pathology would have afforded me a ready confutation. Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners
      remanded me for farther examination. I was taken up into a
      garret; and the surgeon’s lady having accommodated me with
      drawers and stockings, the surgeon himself fastened my hands, and
      tied up my jaws with a pocket-handkerchief—then bolted the door
      on the outside as he hurried to his dinner, leaving me alone to
      silence and to meditation. I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken
      had not my mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief. Consoling myself with this reflection, I was mentally repeating
      some passages of the “Omnipresence of the Deity,” as is my custom
      before resigning myself to sleep, when two cats, of a greedy and
      vituperative turn, entering at a hole in the wall, leaped up with
      a flourish a la Catalani, and alighting opposite one another on
      my visage, betook themselves to indecorous contention for the
      paltry consideration of my nose. But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the
      throne of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the
      cutting off his nose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the
      loss of a few ounces of my countenance proved the salvation of my
      body. Aroused by the pain, and burning with indignation, I burst,
      at a single effort, the fastenings and the bandage. Stalking
      across the room I cast a glance of contempt at the belligerents,
      and throwing open the sash to their extreme horror and
      disappointment, precipitated myself, very dexterously, from the
      window. The mail-robber W——, to whom I bore a singular resemblance, was
      at this moment passing from the city jail to the scaffold erected
      for his execution in the suburbs.