I
can talk and can feel as virtue and justice prescribe; yet the tenor of
my actions has been uniform. One tissue of iniquity and folly has been
my life; while my thoughts have been familiar with enlightened and
disinterested principles. Scorn and detestation I have heaped upon
myself. Yesterday is remembered with remorse. To-morrow is contemplated
with anguish and fear; yet every day is productive of the same crimes
and of the same follies. "I was left, by the insolvency of my father, (a trader of Liverpool,)
without any means of support but such as labour should afford me. Whatever could generate pride, and the love of independence, was my
portion. Whatever can incite to diligence was the growth of my
condition; yet my indolence was a cureless disease; and there were no
arts too sordid for me to practise. "I was content to live on the bounty of a kinsman. His family was
numerous, and his revenue small. He forbore to upbraid me, or even to
insinuate the propriety of providing for myself; but he empowered me to
pursue any liberal or mechanical profession which might suit my taste. I
was insensible to every generous motive. I laboured to forget my
dependent and disgraceful condition, because the remembrance was a
source of anguish, without being able to inspire me with a steady
resolution to change it. "I contracted an acquaintance with a woman who was unchaste, perverse,
and malignant. Me, however, she found it no difficult task to deceive. My uncle remonstrated against the union. He took infinite pains to
unveil my error, and to convince me that wedlock was improper for one
destitute, as I was, of the means of support, even if the object of my
choice were personally unexceptionable. "His representations were listened to with anger. That he thwarted my
will in this respect, even by affectionate expostulation, cancelled all
that debt of gratitude which I owed to him. I rewarded him for all his
kindness by invective and disdain, and hastened to complete my
ill-omened marriage. I had deceived the woman's father by assertions of
possessing secret resources. To gratify my passion, I descended to
dissimulation and falsehood. He admitted me into his family, as the
husband of his child; but the character of my wife and the fallacy of my
assertions were quickly discovered. He denied me accommodation under his
roof, and I was turned forth to the world to endure the penalty of my
rashness and my indolence. "Temptation would have moulded me into any villanous shape. My virtuous
theories and comprehensive erudition would not have saved me from the
basest of crimes. Luckily for me, I was, for the present, exempted from
temptation. I had formed an acquaintance with a young American captain. On being partially informed of my situation, he invited me to embark
with him for his own country. My passage was gratuitous. I arrived, in a
short time, at Charleston, which was the place of his abode. "He introduced me to his family, every member of which was, like
himself, imbued with affection and benevolence. I was treated like their
son and brother. I was hospitably entertained until I should be able to
select some path of lucrative industry. Such was my incurable depravity,
that I made no haste to select my pursuit. An interval of inoccupation
succeeded, which I applied to the worst purposes. "My friend had a sister, who was married, but during the absence of her
husband resided with her family. Hence originated our acquaintance. The
purest of human hearts and the most vigorous understanding were hers. She idolized her husband, who well deserved to be the object of her
adoration. Her affection for him, and her general principles, appeared
to be confirmed beyond the power to be shaken. I sought her intercourse
without illicit views; I delighted in the effusions of her candour and
the flashes of her intelligence; I conformed, by a kind of instinctive
hypocrisy, to her views; I spoke and felt from the influence of
immediate and momentary conviction. She imagined she had found in me a
friend worthy to partake in all her sympathies and forward all her
wishes. We were mutually deceived. She was the victim of self-delusion;
but I must charge myself with practising deceit both upon myself and
her. "I reflect with astonishment and horror on the steps which led to her
degradation and to my calamity. In the high career of passion all
consequences were overlooked. She was the dupe of the most audacious
sophistry and the grossest delusion. I was the slave of sensual impulses
and voluntary blindness. The effect may be easily conceived. Not till
symptoms of pregnancy began to appear were our eyes opened to the ruin
which impended over us. "Then I began to revolve the consequences, which the mist of passion had
hitherto concealed. I was tormented by the pangs of remorse, and pursued
by the phantom of ingratitude. To complete my despair, this unfortunate
lady was apprized of my marriage with another woman; a circumstance
which I had anxiously concealed from her. She fled from her father's
house at a time when her husband and brother were hourly expected. What
became of her I knew not. She left behind her a letter to her father, in
which the melancholy truth was told. "Shame and remorse had no power over my life. To elude the storm of
invective and upbraiding, to quiet the uproar of my mind, I did not
betake myself to voluntary death. My pusillanimity still clung to this
wretched existence. I abruptly retired from the scene, and, repairing to
the port, embarked in the first vessel which appeared. The ship chanced
to belong to Wilmington, in Delaware, and here I sought out an obscure
and cheap abode. "I possessed no means of subsistence. I was unknown to my neighbours,
and desired to remain unknown. I was unqualified for manual labour by
all the habits of my life; but there was no choice between penury and
diligence,--between honest labour and criminal inactivity. I mused
incessantly on the forlornness of my condition. Hour after hour passed,
and the horrors of want began to encompass me. I sought with eagerness
for an avenue by which I might escape from it. The perverseness of my
nature led me on from one guilty thought to another. I took refuge in my
customary sophistries, and reconciled myself at length to a scheme
of--_forgery_!" CHAPTER X. "Having ascertained my purpose, it was requisite to search out the means
by which I might effect it. These were not clearly or readily suggested. The more I contemplated my project, the more numerous and arduous its
difficulties appeared. I had no associates in my undertaking. A due
regard to my safety, and the unextinguished sense of honour, deterred me
from seeking auxiliaries and co-agents. The esteem of mankind was the
spring of all my activity, the parent of all my virtue and all my vice. To preserve this, it was necessary that my guilty projects should have
neither witness nor partaker.