If I went into the country it would be to the toilsome
occupations of a day-labourer; but even that was better than my present
situation." This opinion, he observed, must be newly formed. What was there irksome
or offensive in my present mode of life? That this man condescended to expostulate with me; to dissuade me from
my new plan; and to enumerate the benefits which he was willing to
confer, penetrated my heart with gratitude. I could not but acknowledge
that leisure and literature, copious and elegant accommodation, were
valuable for their own sake; that all the delights of sensation and
refinements of intelligence were comprised within my present sphere, and
would be nearly wanting in that to which I was going. I felt temporary
compunction for my folly, and determined to adopt a different
deportment. I could not prevail upon myself to unfold the true cause of
my dejection, and permitted him therefore to ascribe it to a kind of
homesickness; to inexperience; and to that ignorance which, on being
ushered into a new scene, is oppressed with a sensation of forlornness. He remarked that these chimeras would vanish before the influence of
time, and company, and occupation. On the next week he would furnish me
with employment; meanwhile he would introduce me into company, where
intelligence and vivacity would combine to dispel my glooms. As soon as we separated, my disquietudes returned. I contended with them
in vain, and finally resolved to abandon my present situation. When and
how this purpose was to be effected I knew not. That was to be the theme
of future deliberation. Evening having arrived, Welbeck proposed to me to accompany me on a
visit to one of his friends. I cheerfully accepted the invitation, and
went with him to your friend Mr. Wortley's. A numerous party was
assembled, chiefly of the female sex. I was introduced by Welbeck by
the title of _a young friend of his_. Notwithstanding my embarrassment,
I did not fail to attend to what passed on this occasion. I remarked
that the utmost deference was paid to my companion, on whom his entrance
into this company appeared to operate like magic. His eyes sparkled; his
features expanded into a benign serenity; and his wonted reserve gave
place to a torrent-like and overflowing elocution. I marked this change in his deportment with the utmost astonishment. So
great was it, that I could hardly persuade myself that it was the same
person. A mind thus susceptible of new impressions must be, I conceived,
of a wonderful texture. Nothing was further from my expectations than
that this vivacity was mere dissimulation and would take its leave of
him when he left the company; yet this I found to be the case. The door
was no sooner closed after him than his accustomed solemnity returned. He spake little, and that little was delivered with emphatical and
monosyllabic brevity. We returned home at a late hour, and I immediately retired to my
chamber, not so much from the desire of repose as in order to enjoy and
pursue my own reflections without interruption. The condition of my mind was considerably remote from happiness. I was
placed in a scene that furnished fuel to my curiosity. This passion is a
source of pleasure, provided its gratification be practicable. I had no
reason, in my present circumstances, to despair of knowledge; yet
suspicion and anxiety beset me. I thought upon the delay and toil which
the removal of my ignorance would cost, and reaped only pain and fear
from the reflection. The air was remarkably sultry. Lifted sashes and lofty ceilings were
insufficient to attemper it. The perturbation of my thoughts affected my
body, and the heat which oppressed me was aggravated, by my
restlessness, almost into fever. Some hours were thus painfully past,
when I recollected that the bath, erected in the court below, contained
a sufficient antidote to the scorching influence of the atmosphere. I rose, and descended the stairs softly, that I might not alarm Welbeck
and the lady, who occupied the two rooms on the second floor. I
proceeded to the bath, and, filling the reservoir with water, speedily
dissipated the heat that incommoded me. Of all species of sensual
gratification, that was the most delicious; and I continued for a long
time laving my limbs and moistening my hair. In the midst of this
amusement, I noticed the approach of day, and immediately saw the
propriety of returning to my chamber. I returned with the same caution
which I had used in descending; my feet were bare, so that it was easy
to proceed unattended by the smallest signal of my progress. I had reached the carpeted staircase, and was slowly ascending, when I
heard, within the chamber that was occupied by the lady, a noise, as of
some one moving. Though not conscious of having acted improperly, yet I
felt reluctance to be seen. There was no reason to suppose that this
sound was connected with the detection of me in this situation; yet I
acted as if this reason existed, and made haste to pass the door and
gain the second flight of steps. I was unable to accomplish my design, when the chamber door slowly
opened, and Welbeck, with a light in his hand, came out. I was abashed
and disconcerted at this interview. He started at seeing me; but,
discovering in an instant who it was, his face assumed an expression in
which shame and anger were powerfully blended. He seemed on the point of
opening his mouth to rebuke me; but, suddenly checking himself, he said,
in a tone of mildness, "How is this? Whence come you?" His emotion seemed to communicate itself, with an electrical rapidity,
to my heart. My tongue faltered while I made some answer. I said, "I had
been seeking relief from the heat of the weather, in the bath." He heard
my explanation in silence; and, after a moment's pause, passed into his
own room, and shut himself in. I hastened to my chamber. A different observer might have found in these circumstances no food for
his suspicion or his wonder. To me, however, they suggested vague and
tumultuous ideas. As I strode across the room I repeated, "This woman is his daughter. What proof have I of that? He once asserted it; and has frequently
uttered allusions and hints from which no other inference could be
drawn. The chamber from which he came, in an hour devoted to sleep, was
hers. For what end could a visit like this be paid? A parent may visit
his child at all seasons, without a crime. On seeing me, methought his
features indicated more than surprise. A keen interpreter would be apt
to suspect a consciousness of wrong. What if this woman be not his
child! How shall their relationship be ascertained?" I was summoned at the customary hour to breakfast. My mind was full of
ideas connected with this incident. I was not endowed with sufficient
firmness to propose the cool and systematic observation of this man's
deportment.