She shed tears, and wrung her hands
bitterly. I hastened away--my heart was ready to burst, and I could not
speak. "I walked about to recover my serenity, but could not do so sufficiently
well to secure anything like an appearance that would render me fit to
go to the gaming-house. That night I remained away, but I could not
avoid falling into a debauch to drown my misfortunes, and shift the
scene of misery that was continually before my eyes." *       *       *       *       *

"The next night I was at the gaming-house. I went there in better than
usual spirits. I saw, I thought, a change in fortune, and hailed that as
the propitious moment of my life, when I was to rise above my present
misfortunes. "I played and won--played and lost--played and won, and then lost again;
thus I went on, fluctuating more and more, until I found I was getting
money in my pocket. I had, at one moment more than three hundred pounds
in my pocket, and I felt that then was my happy moment--then the tide of
fortune was going in my favour. I ought to have left off with that--to
have been satisfied with such an amount of money; but the demon of
avarice seemed to have possessed me, and I went on and on with
fluctuating fortune, until I lost the whole of it. "I was mad--desperate, and could have destroyed myself; but I thought of
the state my wife and child were in; I thought that that night they
would want food; but they could not hurt for one day--they must have
some, or would procure some. "I was too far gone to be able to go to them, even if I were possessed
of means; but I had none, and daylight saw me in a deep sleep, from
which I awoke not until the next evening let in, and then I once more
determined that I would make a desperate attempt to get a little money. I had always paid, and thought my word would be taken for once; and, if
I won, all well and good; if not, then I was no worse off than before. "This was easy to plan, but not to execute. I went there, but there were
none present in whom I had sufficient interest to dare make the attempt. I walked about, and felt in a most uncomfortable state. I feared I
should not succeed at all, then what was to become of me--of my wife and
child? This rendered me almost mad. I could not understand what I was to
do, what to attempt, or where to go. One or two persons came up, and
asked me if I were ill. My answers were, that I was well enough. Good
God! how far from the truth was that; but I found I must place more
control on my feelings, else I should cause much conversation, and then
I should lose all hope of recovering myself, and all prospect of living,
even. "At length some one did come in, and I remarked I had been there all the
evening and had not played. I had an invitation to play with him, which
ended, by a little sleight of hand, in my favour; and on that I had
calculated as much as on any good fortune I might meet. The person I
played with observed it not, and, when we left off playing, I had some
six or seven pounds in pocket. This, to me, was a very great sum; and,
the moment I could decently withdraw myself, I ran off home. "I was fearful of the scene that awaited me. I expected something; worse
than I had yet seen. Possibly Lizzy might be angry, and scold as well
as complain. I therefore tapped at the door gently, but heard no one
answer; but of this I took no notice, as I believed that they might be,
and were, most probably, fast asleep. I had provided myself with a
light, and I therefore opened the door, which was not fastened. "'Lizzy!' said I, 'Lizzy!' There was no answer given, and I paused. Everything was as still as death. I looked on the bed--there lay my wife
with her clothes on. "'Lizzy! Lizzy!' said I. But still she did not answer me. "'Well,' said I, 'she sleeps sound;' and I walked towards the bed, and
placed my hand upon her shoulder, and began to shake her, saying, as I
did so,--

"'Lizzy! Lizzy! I'm come home.' But still no answer, or signs of
awaking. "I went on the other side of the bed to look at her face, and some
misgivings overtook me. I trembled much. She lay on the bed, with her
back towards the spot where I stood. "I came towards her face. My hand shook violently as I endeavoured to
look at her. She had her eyes wide open, as if staring at me. "'Lizzy,' said I. No answer was returned. I then placed my hand upon her
cheek. It was enough, and I started back in great horror. She was dead! "This was horror itself. I staggered back and fell into a chair. The
light I placed down, Heaven knows how or why; but there I sat staring at
the corpse of my unfortunate wife. I can hardly tell you the tremendous
effect this had upon me. I could not move. I was fascinated to the spot. I could not move and could not turn." *       *       *       *       *

"It was morning, and the rays of the sun illumined the apartment; but
there sat I, still gazing upon the face of my unfortunate wife, I saw, I
knew she was dead; but yet I had not spoken, but sat looking at her. "I believe my heart was as cold as she was; but extreme horror and dread
had dried up all the warm blood in my body, and I hardly think there was
a pulsation left. The thoughts of my child never once seemed to cross my
mind. I had, however, sat there long--some hours before I was
discovered, and this was by the landlady. "I had left the door open behind me, and she, in passing down, had the
curiosity to peep, and saw me sitting in what she thought to be a very
strange attitude, and could hear no sounds. "After some time she discovered my wife was dead, and, for some time,
she thought me so, too. However, she was convinced to the contrary, and
then began to call for assistance. This awoke the child, which was
nearly famished. The landlady, to become useful, and to awaken me from
my lethargy, placed the child in my hands, telling me I was the best
person now to take care of it. "And so I was; there was no doubt of the truth of that, and I was
compelled to acknowledge it. I felt much pride and pleasure in my
daughter, and determined she should, if I starved, have the benefit of
all I could do for her in the way of care, &c."

       *       *       *       *       *

"The funeral over, I took my child and carried it to a school, where I
left her, and paid in advance, promising to do so as often as the
quarter came round. My wife I had seen buried by the hands of man, and I
swore I would do the best for my child, and to keep this oath was a work
of pleasure. "I determined also I would never more enter a gaming-house, be the
extremity what it might; I would suffer even death before I would permit
myself to enter the house in which it took place. "'I will,' I thought, 'obtain some employment of some kind or other. I
could surely obtain that. I have only to ask and I have it,
surely--something, however menial, that would keep me and my child. Yes,
yes--she ought, she must have her charges paid at once."