



Produced by Paul J. Hollander. HTML version by Al Haines. THE PARENTICIDE CLUB


by

Ambrose Bierce




CONTENTS


My Favorite Murder
Oil of Dog
An Imperfect Conflagration
The Hypnotist




MY FAVORITE MURDER


Having murdered my mother under circumstances of singular atrocity, I
was arrested and put upon my trial, which lasted seven years. In
charging the jury, the judge of the Court of Acquittal remarked that
it was one of the most ghastly crimes that he had ever been called
upon to explain away. At this, my attorney rose and said:

"May it please your Honor, crimes are ghastly or agreeable only by
comparison. If you were familiar with the details of my client's
previous murder of his uncle you would discern in his later offense
(if offense it may be called) something in the nature of tender
forbearance and filial consideration for the feelings of the victim. The appalling ferocity of the former assassination was indeed
inconsistent with any hypothesis but that of guilt; and had it not
been for the fact that the honorable judge before whom he was tried
was the president of a life insurance company that took risks on
hanging, and in which my client held a policy, it is hard to see how
he could decently have been acquitted. If your Honor would like to
hear about it for instruction and guidance of your Honor's mind, this
unfortunate man, my client, will consent to give himself the pain of
relating it under oath." The district attorney said: "Your Honor, I object. Such a statement
would be in the nature of evidence, and the testimony in this case is
closed. The prisoner's statement should have been introduced three
years ago, in the spring of 1881." "In a statutory sense," said the judge, "you are right, and in the
Court of Objections and Technicalities you would get a ruling in your
favor. But not in a Court of Acquittal. The objection is overruled." "I except," said the district attorney. "You cannot do that," the judge said. "I must remind you that in
order to take an exception you must first get this case transferred
for a time to the Court of Exceptions on a formal motion duly
supported by affidavits. A motion to that effect by your predecessor
in office was denied by me during the first year of this trial. Mr. Clerk, swear the prisoner." The customary oath having been administered, I made the following
statement, which impressed the judge with so strong a sense of the
comparative triviality of the offense for which I was on trial that he
made no further search for mitigating circumstances, but simply
instructed the jury to acquit, and I left the court, without a stain
upon my reputation:

"I was born in 1856 in Kalamakee, Mich., of honest and reputable
parents, one of whom Heaven has mercifully spared to comfort me in my
later years. In 1867 the family came to California and settled near
Nigger Head, where my father opened a road agency and prospered beyond
the dreams of avarice. He was a reticent, saturnine man then, though
his increasing years have now somewhat relaxed the austerity of his
disposition, and I believe that nothing but his memory of the sad
event for which I am now on trial prevents him from manifesting a
genuine hilarity. "Four years after we had set up the road agency an itinerant preacher
came along, and having no other way to pay for the night's lodging
that we gave him, favored us with an exhortation of such power that,
praise God, we were all converted to religion. My father at once sent
for his brother, the Hon. William Ridley of Stockton, and on his
arrival turned over the agency to him, charging him nothing for the
franchise nor plant--the latter consisting of a Winchester rifle, a
sawed-off shotgun, and an assortment of masks made out of flour sacks. The family then moved to Ghost Rock and opened a dance house. It was
called 'The Saints' Rest Hurdy-Gurdy,' and the proceedings each night
began with prayer. It was there that my now sainted mother, by her
grace in the dance, acquired the _sobriquet_ of 'The Bucking Walrus.' "In the fall of '75 I had occasion to visit Coyote, on the road to
Mahala, and took the stage at Ghost Rock. There were four other
passengers. About three miles beyond Nigger Head, persons whom I
identified as my Uncle William and his two sons held up the stage. Finding nothing in the express box, they went through the passengers. I acted a most honorable part in the affair, placing myself in line
with the others, holding up my hands and permitting myself to be
deprived of forty dollars and a gold watch. From my behavior no one
could have suspected that I knew the gentlemen who gave the
entertainment. A few days later, when I went to Nigger Head and asked
for the return of my money and watch my uncle and cousins swore they
knew nothing of the matter, and they affected a belief that my father
and I had done the job ourselves in dishonest violation of commercial
good faith. Uncle William even threatened to retaliate by starting an
opposition dance house at Ghost Rock. As 'The Saints' Rest' had
become rather unpopular, I saw that this would assuredly ruin it and
prove a paying enterprise, so I told my uncle that I was willing to
overlook the past if he would take me into the scheme and keep the
partnership a secret from my father. This fair offer he rejected, and
I then perceived that it would be better and more satisfactory if he
were dead. "My plans to that end were soon perfected, and communicating them to
my dear parents I had the gratification of receiving their approval. My father said he was proud of me, and my mother promised that
although her religion forbade her to assist in taking human life I
should have the advantage of her prayers for my success. As a
preliminary measure looking to my security in case of detection I made
an application for membership in that powerful order, the Knights of
Murder, and in due course was received as a member of the Ghost Rock
commandery. On the day that my probation ended I was for the first
time permitted to inspect the records of the order and learn who
belonged to it--all the rites of initiation having been conducted in
masks. Fancy my delight when, in looking over the roll of membership,
I found the third name to be that of my uncle, who indeed was junior
vice-chancellor of the order! Here was an opportunity exceeding my
wildest dreams--to murder I could add insubordination and treachery. It was what my good mother would have called 'a special Providence.' "At about this time something occurred which caused my cup of joy,
already full, to overflow on all sides, a circular cataract of bliss. Three men, strangers in that locality, were arrested for the stage
robbery in which I had lost my money and watch. They were brought to
trial and, despite my efforts to clear them and fasten the guilt upon
three of the most respectable and worthy citizens of Ghost Rock,
convicted on the clearest proof. The murder would now be as wanton
and reasonless as I could wish.