"Well, then, what do you call me no seaman for?" "Why, Jack, you bear malice like a marine." "There you go again. Goodbye. Do you remember when we were yard arm to
yard arm with those two Yankee frigates, and took 'em both! You didn't
call me a marine then, when the scuppers were running with blood. Was I
a seaman then?" "You were, Jack--you were; and you saved my life." "I didn't." "You did." "I say I didn't--it was a marlin-spike." "But I say you did, you rascally scoundrel.--I say you did, and I won't
be contradicted in my own ship." "Call this your ship?" "No, d--n it--I--"

"Mr. Crinkles," said the landlord, flinging the door wide open, and so
at once putting an end to the discussion which always apparently had a
tendency to wax exceedingly warm. "The shark, by G--d!" said Jack. A little, neatly dressed man made his appearance, and advanced rather
timidly into the room. Perhaps he had heard from the landlord that the
parties who had sent for him were of rather a violent sort. "So you are Crinkles, are you?" cried the admiral. "Sit down, though you
are a lawyer." "Thank you, sir. I am an attorney, certainly, and my name as certainly
is Crinkles." "Look at that." The admiral placed the letter in the little lawyer's hands, who said,--

"Am I to read it?" "Yes, to be sure." "Aloud?" "Read it to the devil, if you like, in a pig's whisper, or a West India
hurricane." "Oh, very good, sir. I--I am willing to be agreeable, so I'll read it
aloud, if it's all the same to you." He then opened the letter, and read as follows:--

     "To Admiral Bell. "Admiral,--Being, from various circumstances, aware that you take
     a warm and a praiseworthy interest in your nephew, Charles
     Holland, I venture to write to you concerning a matter in which
     your immediate and active co-operation with others may rescue him
     from a condition which will prove, if allowed to continue, very
     much to his detriment, and ultimate unhappiness. "You are, then, hereby informed, that he, Charles Holland, has,
     much earlier than he ought to have done, returned to England, and
     that the object of his return is to contract a marriage into a
     family in every way objectionable, and with a girl who is highly
     objectionable. "You, admiral, are his nearest and almost his only relative in
     the world; you are the guardian of his property, and, therefore,
     it becomes a duty on your part to interfere to save him from the
     ruinous consequences of a marriage, which is sure to bring ruin
     and distress upon himself and all who take an interest in his
     welfare. "The family he wishes to marry into is named Bannerworth, and the
     young lady's name is Flora Bannerworth. When, however, I inform
     you that a vampyre is in that family, and that if he marries into
     it, he marries a vampyre, and will have vampyres for children, I
     trust I have said enough to warn you upon the subject, and to
     induce you to lose no time in repairing to the spot. "If you stop at the Nelson's Arms at Uxotter, you will hear of
     me. I can be sent for, when I will tell you more. "Yours, very obediently and humbly,

     "JOSIAH CRINKLES." "P.S. I enclose you Dr. Johnson's definition of a vampyre, which
     is as follows:

     "VAMPYRE (a German blood-sucker)--by which you perceive how many
     vampyres, from time immemorial, must have been well entertained
     at the expense of John Bull, at the court of St. James, where no
     thing hardly is to be met with but German blood-suckers." [Illustration]

       *       *       *       *       *

The lawyer ceased to read, and the amazed look with which he glanced at
the face of Admiral Bell would, under any other circumstances, have much
amused him. His mind, however, was by far too much engrossed with a
consideration of the danger of Charles Holland, his nephew, to be amused
at anything; so, when he found that the little lawyer said nothing, he
bellowed out,--

"Well, sir?" "We--we--well," said the attorney. "I've sent for you, and here you are, and here I am, and here's Jack
Pringle. What have you got to say?" "Just this much," said Mr. Crinkles, recovering himself a little, "just
this much, sir, that I never saw that letter before in all my life." "You--never--saw--it?" "Never." "Didn't you write it?" "On my solemn word of honour, sir, I did not." Jack Pringle whistled, and the admiral looked puzzled. Like the admiral
in the song, too, he "grew paler," and then Mr. Crinkles added,--

"Who has forged my name to a letter such as this, I cannot imagine. As
for writing to you, sir, I never heard of your existence, except
publicly, as one of those gallant officers who have spent a long life in
nobly fighting their country's battles, and who are entitled to the
admiration and the applause of every Englishman." Jack and the admiral looked at each other in amazement, and then the
latter exclaimed,--

"What! This from a lawyer?" "A lawyer, sir," said Crinkles, "may know how to appreciate the deeds of
gallant men, although he may not be able to imitate them. That letter,
sir, is a forgery, and I now leave you, only much gratified at the
incident which has procured me the honour of an interview with a
gentleman, whose name will live in the history of his country. Good day,
sir! Good day!" "No! I'm d----d if you go like that," said Jack, as he sprang to the
door, and put his back against it. "You shall take a glass with me in
honour of the wooden walls of Old England, d----e, if you was twenty
lawyers." "That's right, Jack," said the admiral. "Come, Mr. Crinkles, I'll think,
for your sake, there may be two decent lawyers in the world, and you one
of them. We must have a bottle of the best wine the ship--I mean the
house--can afford together." "If it is your command, admiral, I obey with pleasure," said the
attorney; "and although I assure you, on my honour, I did not write that
letter, yet some of the matters mentioned in it are so generally
notorious here, that I can afford you information concerning them." "Can you?" "I regret to say I can, for I respect the parties." "Sit down, then--sit down. Jack, run to the steward's room and get the
wine. We will go into it now starboard and larboard. Who the deuce could
have written that letter?" "I have not the least idea, sir." "Well--well, never mind; it has brought me here, that's something, so I
won't grumble much at it. I didn't know my nephew was in England, and I
dare say he didn't know I was; but here we both are, and I won't rest
till I've seen him, and ascertained how the what's-its-name--"

"The vampyre." "Ah! the vampyre." "Shiver my timbers!" said Jack Pringle, who now brought in some wine
much against the remonstrances of the waiters of the establishment, who
considered that he was treading upon their vested interests by so
doing.--"Shiver my timbers, if I knows what a _wamphigher_ is, unless
he's some distant relation to Davy Jones!"