After
vespers, (from which I was excused), the Superior entered my cell alone. He approached my bed. I attempted to rise, but he desired me to compose
myself, and sat down near me with a calm but penetrating look. He said,
“You have now found we have it in our power to punish.”--“I never
doubted it.”--“Before you tempt that power to an extremity, which, I
warn you, you will not be able to endure, I come to demand of you to
resign this desperate appeal against your vows, which can terminate only
in dishonouring God, and disappointing yourself.”--“My father, without
entering into details, which the steps taken on both sides have rendered
wholly unnecessary, I can only reply, that I will support my appeal with
every power Providence puts within my reach, and that my punishment has
only confirmed my resolution.”--“And this is your final
determination?”--“It is, and I implore you to spare me all further
importunity,--it will be useless.” He was silent for a long time; at
length he said, “And you will insist on your right to an interview with
the advocate to-morrow?”--“I shall claim it.”--“It will not be
necessary, however, to mention to him your late punishment.” These words
struck me. I comprehended the meaning which he wished to conceal in
them, and I answered, “It may not be necessary, but it will probably be
expedient.”--“How?--would you violate the secrets of the house, while
you are yet within its walls?”--“Pardon me, my father, for saying, that
you must be conscious of having exceeded your duty, to be so anxious for
its concealment. It is not, then, the secrets of your discipline, but
the violation of it, I shall have to disclose.”--He was silent, and I
added, “If you have abused your power, though I have been the sufferer,
it is you who are guilty.”--The Superior rose, and quitted my cell in
silence. The next morning I attended matins. Service went on as usual,
but at its conclusion, when the community were about to rise from their
knees, the Superior, striking the desk violently with his hand,
commanded them all to remain in the same posture. He added, in a
thundering voice, “The intercession of this whole community with God is
supplicated for a monk who, abandoned by the Spirit of God, is about to
commit an act dishonourable to Him, disgraceful to the church, and
infallibly destructive of his own salvation.” At these terrible sounds
the monks, all shuddering, sunk on their knees again. I was kneeling
among them, when the Superior, calling me by my name, said aloud, “Rise,
wretch! rise, and pollute not our incense with your unhallowed breath!”
I rose, trembling and confounded, and shrunk to my cell, where I
remained till I was summoned by a monk to the parlour, to meet the
advocate, who waited for me there. This interview was rendered quite
ineffective by the presence of the monk, who was desired by the Superior
to witness our conference, and whom the advocate could not order away. When we entered into details, he interrupted us with declarations, that
his duty would not permit such a violation of the rules of the parlour. When I asserted a fact, he contradicted it, gave me the lie repeatedly,
and finally disturbed the purpose of our conference so completely, that
in mere self-defence, I spoke of the subject of my punishment, which he
could not deny, and to which my livid looks bore a testimony invincible. The moment I spoke on this subject the monk became silent, (he was
treasuring every word for the Superior), and the advocate redoubled his
attention. He took minutes of every thing I said, and appeared to lay
more stress on the matter than I had imagined, or indeed wished for. When the conference was over, I retired again to my cell. The advocate’s
visits were repeated for some days, till he had obtained the information
requisite for carrying on my suit; and during this time, my treatment in
the convent was such as to give me no cause of complaint; and this
doubtless was the motive of their forbearance. But the moment those
visits ceased, the warfare of persecution commenced. They considered me
as one with whom no measures were to be kept, and they treated me
accordingly. I am convinced it was their intention that I should not
survive the event of my appeal; at least it is certain they left nothing
unaccomplished that could verify that intention. This began, as I
mentioned, on the day of the advocate’s last visit. The bell rung for
refection;--I was going to take my place as usual, when the Superior
said, “Hold,--place a mat for him in the midst of the hall.” This was
done, and I was required to sit down on it, and supplied with bread and
water. I eat a little, which I moistened with my tears. I foresaw what I
had to undergo, and did not attempt to expostulate. When grace was about
to be said, I was desired to stand without the door, lest my presence
should frustrate the benediction they implored. “I retired, and when the bell rung for vespers, I presented myself among
the rest at the door of the church. I was surprised to find it shut, and
they all assembled. When the bell ceased, the Superior appeared, the
door was opened, and the monks hurried in. I was following, when the
Superior repelled me, exclaiming, “_You, wretch, you!_ Remain where you
are.” I obeyed; and the whole community entered the church, while I
remained at the door. This species of excommunication produced its full
effect of terror on me. As the monks slowly came out, and cast on me
looks of silent horror, I thought myself the most abject being on earth;
I could have hid myself under the pavement till the event of my appeal
was over. “The next morning, when I went to matins, the same scene was renewed,
with the horrible addition of audible reproaches, and almost
imprecations, denounced against me, as they entered and returned. I
knelt at the door. I did not answer a word. I returned not “railing for
railing,” and lifted up my heart with a trembling hope, that this
offering might be as acceptable to God as the sonorous chaunt of the
choir, which I still felt it was miserable to be excluded from joining. “In the course of the day, every sluice of monastic malignity and
vengeance was thrown open. I appeared at the door of the refectory. I
did not dare to enter. Alas! Sir, how are monks employed in the hour of
refection? It is an hour, when, while they swallow their meal, they
banquet on the little scandal of the convent. They ask, “Who was late at
prayers? Who is to undergo penance?” This serves them for conversation;
and the details of their miserable life supply no other subject for that
mixture of exhaustless malignity and curiosity, which are the
inseparable twins of monastic birth. As I stood at the door of the
refectory, a lay-brother, to whom the Superior nodded, bid me retire. I
went to my cell, waited for several hours, and just when the bell for
vespers had rung, was supplied with food, which famine itself would have
shrunk from.