| [{"x": "really? that guy? he was, like, a four.", "y": "a four? god, you are, like, the worst judge of guys ever. okay, if he is a four, what are you?"}, {"x": "hey! i'm not perfect; i'm an eight... and a half.", "y": "you're a doofus and a half."}, {"x": "fine. let's go talk to him. where'd you meet this booger-eater anyway?", "y": "at a close-out sale at dawes."}, {"x": "hey, robin.", "y": "oh, ted. oh, no."}, {"x": "let me guess. someone wants to knock... boots. boots.", "y": "just take off your damn shirt. okay."}, {"x": "all right.", "y": "all right. whoa, stop."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "stop. perfect."}, {"x": "but i... i can't see, and you can't see me.", "y": "yeah. yeah, just like that."}, {"x": "you were picturing your crush!", "y": "well, somebody had to."}, {"x": "okay, okay, answer me this. are you absolutely sure it had nothing whatsoever... to do with the boots?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "congratulations!", "y": "oh, hey! thank you so much. we're super excited. we're thinking june. yeah, okay. okay, jerk, do you remember how you ended up buying those red cowboy boots?"}, {"x": "do you have these in a size 11?", "y": "so get off the field at the superdome, because you ain't no saint."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "i, uh... oh."}, {"x": "aw, sorry that secret crush didn't work out for you.", "y": "oh, it's okay. i guess it just wasn't meant to be."}, {"x": "why are you smiling?", "y": "i don't know. good night."}, {"x": "invitations for the demolition of the arcadian. as head of the project, i get to decide how we knock it down. i'm torn between training an actual coyote to use an acme dynamite plunger, or hooking up a fuse to eddie van halen's guitar that goes off the second he hits the last note to \"hot for teacher.\" barney! barney! bar... no, no. i'm going to go coyote.", "y": "wait. while no one wants to see a, uh, coyote wearing a little hard hat more than me, remember zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down."}, {"x": "so oprah's retiring. oof! what's that world gonna be like?", "y": "wait, marshall's helping you save the arcadian, now."}, {"x": "can you believe this one? wants our booth. keeps giving us the walk-by.", "y": "that bitch is not giving us the walk-by."}, {"x": "oh, boy. look who's back.", "y": "look, lily, i think this girl wants our seats. should we leave... or stay here lionel richie style \"all night long\"?"}, {"x": "okay, enough! you guys are out of here.", "y": "ejected!"}, {"x": "i meant all of you. you're all banned from the bar. out!", "y": "carl! oh... this has nothing to do with us. you're totally ridiculous. don't look, baby. just don't look. come on."}, {"x": "this stupid feud isn't going to end until marshall and barney finally talk about their feelings, cry, and then hug it out like they do on oprah.", "y": "man, what are we going to do without her?"}, {"x": "oh...", "y": "wait, you know what, these guys are not going to get all mushy sober. we need to get these b*tches drunk."}, {"x": "yes, but the right kind of drunk. uh... we should go with something mellow. maybe red wine?", "y": "oh, i don't know. red wine has kind of an odd effect on barney. he reaches a point of sad clarity."}, {"x": "happy new year!", "y": "if we want them to open up, i say we go straight-up gin."}, {"x": "how about martinis?", "y": "absolutely not. i'm not going anywhere near you and a martini."}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "every time."}, {"x": "i only say that because it would be so stupid if we did. so stupid...", "y": "uh-huh."}, {"x": "i don't know. we could have water, soda, purple stuff...", "y": "we're a dream a baby's having. we're a dream a baby's having."}, {"x": "i keep telling you, that didn't happen.", "y": "it happened, and it changed me. how about daiquiris?"}, {"x": "peppermint schnapps?", "y": "no. peppermint schnapps turns barney into richard dawson."}, {"x": "who?", "y": "the crazy old host of family feud, who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth."}, {"x": "you had to take that away from me, didn't you?", "y": "well, enjoy martha's vineyard. hopefully by the time you get back, we'll be allowed back into maclaren's."}, {"x": "barney and marshall's feud got us banned from the bar. we lost our booth.", "y": "stop."}, {"x": "we've cross-referenced every alcohol with marshall and barney's reaction. what's the right drink for this situation?", "y": "well, they're not talking. they're not even looking at each other. that reminds me of those awkward sunday dinners with my mom, my dad and his mistress. families, right?"}, {"x": "that's not a chocolate.", "y": "okay, now we need to get them something that will make them emotionally vulnerable and completely, pathetically honest."}, {"x": "that's what everyone keeps saying but people just keep leaving me.", "y": "wow. that got real o'clock."}, {"x": "yeah. we need to get them up and having fun.", "y": "dance, my puppets, dance!"}, {"x": "now do you see why i'm always interfering in other people's lives?", "y": "oh, god, totally!"}, {"x": "okay. final round. what simple act will get the boys to finally forgive each other?", "y": "sharing a brandy. which is what i walked in on my parents doing once. brandy was my father's mistress. god, parents. right?"}, {"x": "again, just a whole other thing, sweetie. where'd they go? oh, no. they did sh*ts.", "y": "what? what is it?"}, {"x": "come on in, you're un-banned. i gave these guys some drinks and they calmed down and made up.", "y": "well, what drink finally did the trick?"}, {"x": "be well, my friends! aw, just how we left them.", "y": "morning. who wants breakfast?"}, {"x": "i thought they made up last night.", "y": "damn it, i know what happened."}, {"x": "ooh! the champagne.", "y": "we gave them one drink too many. they must've blacked out and forgotten the whole thing."}, {"x": "whoa, whoa, you have got to be kidding me. ted...", "y": "okay, what drink can fix this?"}, {"x": "mama's done with this drama. what drink can fix the headache these clowns are giving me?", "y": "i got it."}, {"x": "nice.", "y": "i have a message from barney."}, {"x": "all right, what's the message? 'cause if it's another hypothetical yet eerily accurate drawing of my boobs...", "y": "yeah, i have that, too."}, {"x": "damn it.", "y": "all right, here's the message. \"oh, hey, guys. didn't see you there. i was too busy feelin' fine and...\" really? \"feelin' fine and gettin' some 'jine. you may have noticed the giant plate of hot wings in front of me. i know how much you love hot wings. too bad someone bribed the kitchen to take them off the menu tonight. so, if you want some, you're going to have to come back to gnb. but hurry, this offer will be gone lickety-split. do evil laugh.\" oh, um... so, what are you turds up to?"}, {"x": "i once knew such a girl.", "y": "um... thank you for, um, not using a first name in that story."}, {"x": "can you believe that?! i can't be unemployed, robin! my job is my identity; it's who i am. it gives me the confidence i need to convince girls i'm a fighter pilot.", "y": "i-i don't understand. why would he fire you?"}, {"x": "he has a lot of keys.", "y": "okay, ted, can you just please think about this before you..."}, {"x": "there's nothing to think about. i-i can't lose zoey. that's the only thing that matters to me right now.", "y": "okay, ted... you know i love zoey. but, look, sometimes... i go play chess in the park. and the key to chess... okay, i play online. but the key to chess... okay, it's angry birds! but the key to angry birds is to always try to see every possible outcome. and to... hit some pigs with rocks or something. i don't know; i don't play. i can't get it to download. the point is, this thing with you and zoey? i can see it going three possible ways. there's the first scenario."}, {"x": "do you think the arcadian should be a landmark?", "y": "you say..."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "and zoey dumps you on the spot."}, {"x": "we're done here.", "y": "the chairman asks you..."}, {"x": "do you think the arcadian should be a landmark?", "y": "you say..."}, {"x": "yes", "y": "and you're happy for, like, a second, until you realize the building you helped save has just become a monument to everything this woman made you give up, and you resent her for it, so much so, in fact, that you dump her."}, {"x": "you said there was a third scenario.", "y": "right."}, {"x": "do you think the arcadian should be a landmark?", "y": "but before you can answer...you're hit in the neck with a blow dart fired by the ninja zoey's ex-husband hired to assassinate you."}, {"x": "i mean, yes, this is a huge, divisive issue for them. which means no matter what happens, there's gonna be a lot of resentment. probably lasting for years... infecting every single moment of the rest of their relationship. so, in conclusion, i'm with robin on this.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "this is a nightmare. i can't believe she kept that tape. the lpc's gonna come back with a decision tomorrow, and based on today...", "y": "they're gonna landmark the hell out of that place."}, {"x": "we should absolutely totally buy a bar!", "y": "it's really the only sensible idea right now."}, {"x": "the only court where you show up, then get served.", "y": "ho! you're judged by a jury of your beers."}, {"x": "hey, arthur!", "y": "oh, cute dog!"}, {"x": "i want to press it!", "y": "guys, i dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding the button. after some awkward pawing around, that building's going to fake an implosion, say, \"baby, that was great\"\" and go to sleep."}, {"x": "she means you. i want to press it! i'm gonna press it!", "y": "it's just a button, okay? can we just talk about something else, please?"}, {"x": "well, i ran into zoey yesterday.", "y": "that's the first time since the breakup. how's she doing?"}, {"x": "hey. you want to get coffee sometime?", "y": "you know that \"coffee\" is code for \"i want to get back together\" right?"}, {"x": "he's out printing out a whole new batch of r\u00e9sum\u00e9s because he misspelled the phrase \"detail-oriented.\" and when he gets back home, he is going to find his favorite soup there waiting for him.", "y": "oh, that's sweet, lil, but didn't you guys get food poisoning here one time?"}, {"x": "this was about to be my third bowl. why shouldn't i eat the soup? why shouldn't i eat the soup?", "y": "hey, mr. architect, big day for you tomorrow, huh?"}, {"x": "yeah. getting to stand next to me while i press the button. that is going to be legend... wait for it...dary adjacent. legendary adjacent!", "y": "you okay?"}, {"x": "oh, hey, buddy.", "y": "hey. everything okay?"}, {"x": "i wonder what end it's coming out of lily right now.", "y": "i bet it's her tushie."}, {"x": "you...", "y": "why would ted just give up the button like that? and he forgot his phone. \"see you in an hour.\""}, {"x": "who's that from?", "y": "zoey. they're meeting for coffee. ted's getting back together with her!"}, {"x": "why would ted get back together with zoey? he's doing great.", "y": "after a breakup, we all think we're doing great. sometimes the tiniest trigger can unravel you and send you crawling right back."}, {"x": "no, i refuse to believe that ted is getting back with zoey because of lightbulbs.", "y": "uh, ted's gone back for less."}, {"x": "robin, you want to get coffee sometime...?", "y": "get it together, bro."}, {"x": "we've got to stop ted. where are they meeting?", "y": "okay, zoey wrote, \"meet me at 600, where it all began, where you gave me the orchid at the intersection.\""}, {"x": "amazing first date with zoey! we met at the intersection...", "y": "aw, that's sweet."}, {"x": "you weren't listening either?", "y": "i was in a coma. i mean, who pays attention to that sappy romantic crap?"}, {"x": "yeah, i wasn't listening, either. ted really can go on about a bitch.", "y": "great. he could be anywhere. we're flat out of clues."}, {"x": "anyway, listen, i was going to get back together with zoey today, but i came to my senses on the way out here, so... false alarm... oh, crap. just stepped in some gum. i'm getting back together with zoey!", "y": "okay, we're never gonna find him."}, {"x": "that's the intersection.", "y": "that's in brooklyn. how are we ever gonna get there in time?"}, {"x": "hey. oh, i'm sorry about the stench. we're suing a factory that's been dumping raw sewage into a local marshland. yeah, ten minutes ago, i was knee-deep in liquefied human feces. and that was just on the f train.", "y": "i can't believe ted's getting back together with zoey."}, {"x": "i know. they're a total train wreck.", "y": "unmitigated disaster."}, {"x": "yeah, almost as bad as us.", "y": "we were a mess. do you remember how awful i looked by the end? my hair was falling out, my skin was gray, my back was hunched."}, {"x": "what about me? i got so fat, at the end of a date, you'd unhook my bra.", "y": "you were the only boyfriend i ever motorboated."}, {"x": "thank god we're not sentimental saps who panic and get back together. seriously, why would people do that?", "y": "i guess i get it."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "well, no matter how bad things got... ted really did love zoey for a minute there. didn't he?"}, {"x": "yeah... he did. and... she loved him, too. didn't she?", "y": "yeah, she did."}, {"x": "now, wait till you see what we found when we cut him open.", "y": "okay, where the hell are they?"}, {"x": "maybe this isn't the intersection.", "y": "well, maybe it is and we're too late. man, i wish we'd gone to brooklyn sooner."}, {"x": "i know, right? ever since the trader joe's opened up, brooklyn is so... whatever.", "y": "wait. where'd you get that?"}, {"x": "she's alone! there's still time! but where the hell is ted?", "y": "wait a minute. on their first date, he brought her an orchid. how much do you want to bet he's gonna do it again?"}, {"x": "thanks, julia! no, on second thought.ooh! come on. what the hell?!", "y": "you can't get back together with zoey just because you're freaking out over a lightbulb."}, {"x": "i'm not freaking out over a lightbulb! i'm freaking out over 50,000 lightbulbs! i can't do this! i only got this job because you gave it to me, barney. i didn't earn it!", "y": "look, ted, the future is scary. but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar. yes, it's tempting."}, {"x": "...one!", "y": "i'm proud of you for giving ted the button. it meant a lot."}] |