[{"x": "yeah, i got my first drop.", "y": "i met my soul mate, and he never called back. well, not yet. he will. he will."}, {"x": "you share a toothbrush?", "y": "well, they and ted."}, {"x": "wait a minute. when we went out together, you borrow the toothbrush all the time.", "y": "oh, sh*t."}, {"x": "you take a beer with a yankee, if that's not cool!", "y": "that's great, i'm all baseball. mookie wilson, while a player eh?"}, {"x": "yeah, baseball is great, but i tell you, this is not hockey.", "y": "i live just above."}, {"x": "well, that explains where barney is.", "y": "dibs on his wings!"}, {"x": "magic phone, guys. magic phone!", "y": "oh, hey guys, hey ranjit."}, {"x": "that beer looks a little flat.", "y": "nuh, it's scotch."}, {"x": "something troubling you, kiddo?", "y": "hhhhh don."}, {"x": "he asked you out?", "y": "he asked me out."}, {"x": "what did you say?", "y": "well we were on the air, i was on the spot, so i said ok."}, {"x": "robin, you're gonna marry this man so freaking hard, right in the butt.", "y": "what? nooo i hate don. and now i can't cancel because i said i would go out with him on the air."}, {"x": "wow wow wow, you said you'd go out with him on valentine's? i thought we had plans!", "y": "getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?"}, {"x": "it is true. it's very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love... like robin and don.", "y": "oh but we're not even like going out for dinner, we're just hanging out at his place."}, {"x": "ooohhh ahh!", "y": "no, it's not like that. it's just us and a bunch of other people."}, {"x": "i'm having some friends over at my place for a party. you should come by if you want.", "y": "errrrrrr...i... ok."}, {"x": "robin, don didn't ask you out.", "y": "err, of course he asked me out."}, {"x": "err no he didn't.", "y": "yes, he did. he did. he did. he did!"}, {"x": "well, dog my cats! i think i know what's going on here. robin... did you want don to ask out?", "y": "whaaat?!! nooo, i hate don! i-i-i can't stop thinking how much i hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. i just wanna att*ck him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. shut up!!"}, {"x": "i love that blazer. almost as much as robin loves don.", "y": "i do not love don."}, {"x": "what?!!", "y": "yeah i got to agree. duck's up, rabbit down."}, {"x": "who carries a duck's foot for good luck? anyone?", "y": "you wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. i wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. who's cosier? no, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?"}, {"x": "fine! i can see it! you win!", "y": "say it."}, {"x": "duck's good... rabbit's bad.", "y": "yayyyyy."}, {"x": "yesss.", "y": "thank you. and don is, and always will be, a rabbit."}, {"x": "here comes the groom in his favorite blazer, gonna meet my wife and i'm...laser, tazer, gaze her, take, bathe her?", "y": "hey, ted?"}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "before you go meet your future wife, why don't you swing by don's party with me?"}, {"x": "that's what you're wearing?", "y": "yeah, why?"}, {"x": "look, robin, i don't wanna crowd you on your little date here, so if things start to get hot and heavy with don...", "y": "they're not gonna get..."}, {"x": "i'm just saying, if they do... i'll just say \"well, i got a dinner res\" and then, wait this is the last part, i've been working on it for a while... i'll duck out.", "y": "ha ha ha. it's not gonna get happen... but yeah, do that!"}, {"x": "well, i got a dinner res...", "y": "come... god, don, what the hell are you doing?"}, {"x": "i don't know. it's something called the naked man. i read about it on some guy's blog. my god, i'm so stupid, why did i ever think it would work on someone like you?", "y": "yeah, cause i would never, could like, standards, so... you know... i thought this was a party."}, {"x": "i only said that to get you to come over here. i didn't think you'd bring a date.", "y": "ted's not my date. he's a friend."}, {"x": "oh god, you probably think i'm some kind of playboy now, right?", "y": "you could say that."}, {"x": "so he's a rabbit. at least you know for sure.", "y": "ted, this may hurt a little, i'm recycling your old architecture weekly magazines."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "cleaning. you go on your date. happy valentine's day."}, {"x": "or see your new poster rap.", "y": "post rap? on which it would work?"}, {"x": "you got a mini pig?", "y": "you can see the mini pig?"}, {"x": "someone does not want to lose his dark brown.", "y": "she gave you her hook."}, {"x": "yes, completely.", "y": "it gives you false hope, but it does not engage with you, but it keeps you in the corner, just in case, like... an old canned chili in the pantry."}, {"x": "amen, sister.", "y": "do you feel pretty good. it is gone. it was on both sides. i was hooked and crocheter. it's good guys. i was shameless, but i did not have money problems."}, {"x": "that's not the same with me and tiffany. listen.", "y": "\"right now\" is the catch phrase of choice."}, {"x": "friends, good news. tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. so i'm not the hook.", "y": "you're always on the hook."}, {"x": "look what we did yesterday.", "y": "and let me guess it's not gone further than that."}, {"x": "i've never done that.", "y": "are you kidding? and this daughter of the university library? henrietta?"}, {"x": "henrietta and i are just friends.", "y": "it is too much to your hook."}, {"x": "absolutely not.", "y": "you like to have henrietta close for the same reason that tiffany likes to have you close, it flatters the ego."}, {"x": "you amaze me that such an expert is to keep people on your hook. and this poor cameraman your job?", "y": "mike and i are just friends."}, {"x": "come on.", "y": "yeah, right."}, {"x": "you never thought to go to the next step with me?", "y": "if you mean to do my laundry, i'm starting lineup."}, {"x": "it's a deal.", "y": "what! i do not keep mike in my hook."}, {"x": "you're captain hook.", "y": "dude, i'm a girl. our female parts are like a cobweb.sometimes you jokes of things you want to."}, {"x": "that's not why it's good.", "y": "and henrietta, in any way, are not losing time with you, huh?"}, {"x": "yesterday i was with this girl so sexy that pharma should call a doctor if you have no erection for more than 4h. i have no reason people?", "y": "there is no one. just the girl with whom you came out recently."}, {"x": "it's over.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "the girls of pharma are more than gunnery. this is the end of an era.", "y": "you're a little dramatic."}, {"x": "yeah, there was a...", "y": "what did you do?"}, {"x": "it was violent.", "y": "sorry, big guy. honesty is hard, but ultimately it is the softer alternative. i must tell you something. you've finished the laundry fragile?"}, {"x": "another tour.", "y": "it can wait."}, {"x": "what? wait, what? i thought your body would become a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger only to satisfy my every carnal desires.", "y": "i really think don and i found our rhythm to work."}, {"x": "thanks to this young woman to my left. this report on how rodent avoided in the subway...", "y": "the answer might surprise you. it's all rodents."}, {"x": "this guy is awesome. it's funny, smart, beautiful. you have him to nab it before someone else.", "y": "i hope you do not talk to you."}, {"x": "listen... you wanna go out on saturday night?", "y": "saturday night?"}, {"x": "it invites you to come out? say yes! say yes!", "y": "don... listen, it's... it's really nice of you, and you're really great..."}, {"x": "i just have a cold. that's why for my voice. but great for saturday night. one can go to a restaurant grill, and you could bring a first side for my friends marshall. i gotta go. kisses.", "y": "but what are you doing?"}, {"x": "that girl that barney hunting, it seems a somewhat anti-barney. i like the way the universe has decided to collect.", "y": "actually, anita barney went to see him because i have requested."}, {"x": "you told to go and see anita barney? how you know her?", "y": "it was my show."}, {"x": "i would summarize in one, robin. and that word is \"no.\"by saying no constantly and consistently, it gives a power, simultaneously transforming any fool in human wreck, subject, and whining.", "y": "is not this the dream of all women? after the break, we'll talk about your new book, of course you have not yet retirement plan, look at you, poor trail, scheduled for june we come back after the break."}, {"x": "it's good. you want a coffee?", "y": "absolutely, mike, great idea."}, {"x": "no. and you, robin? you go out with someone?", "y": "i have not really want right now."}, {"x": "that barney needs a lesson. give me the order, and i will destroy it.", "y": "that's to say?"}, {"x": "i will use the power of \"no\" to destroy your friend barney.say it.", "y": "come on, it does not really work, though?"}, {"x": "thank you, mike. think about it.", "y": "i never thought that i would think, but... i thought about it."}, {"x": "this pilates teacher broke all scores. imagine robin, but younger. and bigger breasts. not bigger, but more shapely.and larger. i put on the stairmaster and...", "y": "it does."}, {"x": "it's done. thank you, mike.", "y": "i know it was stupid, but, see, at that time, i was still depressed over the break. i was in my phase of mourning. it means a lot of tape and long nights at the sh**ting range."}, {"x": "i hope this was not the same nights.", "y": "serious, lily. i do not remember everything."}, {"x": "tonight is the big night. where do you take d-bag?this is a bad nickname for don. i will look better.", "y": "i just... i canceled."}, {"x": "you look like the classiest and most expensive of all prostitutes.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "you're excited to go out with don?", "y": "you know what? looks good. do not tell marshall."}, {"x": "you should have seen.", "y": "i'm going."}, {"x": "i know where.", "y": "barney, what's up? i thought you had a super hot date."}, {"x": "i know you're upset.", "y": "what? no. i've never been happier. anita and this seems great. i'm so glad... by the merest chance, you found yourself. it warms my f*cking heart."}, {"x": "you sure you're not upset?", "y": "of course i do. do not you see how to talk continually of your conquests makes me feel like another number for you?"}, {"x": "you're not another number for me.", "y": "and now you to take anita you barely know, this extraordinary hot date, then you do not ever offered me that. it's just that... it sucks, that's all. it sucks."}, {"x": "i knew i was a bad boyfriend, but i had no idea that i was worse in the former boyfriend. i'm sorry. how can i be forgiven?", "y": "nothing, barney. you've already proven i'm not important to you."}, {"x": "stop saying that, i'm serious. ask me what you want.", "y": "do not sleep with anita."}, {"x": "i promise.", "y": "of course you'll sleep with her. why is this super hot date if not?"}, {"x": "how was this date?", "y": "good enough. pretty... pretty good."}, {"x": "how so?", "y": "come on, guys. it was good. it was nice. we spent a pleasant evening. let... let him that. even if..."}, {"x": "you know... light, color, balance, aperture...", "y": "you say stuff pictures. expect. you do not want it to look like a couple, right?"}, {"x": "how dare you?", "y": "it's so rude."}, {"x": "it's true.", "y": "totally. it is a tightrope, but still."}, {"x": "\"and that's the strongest person i know. i can not imagine my life without her. i love you, lily.", "y": "of course it was me."}, {"x": "false. you think the santa claus, because it was christmas.", "y": "funny. every year my mother took tea with her friend easter bell. not so funny."}, {"x": "and we have had. we had a group photo with slash on my birthday. great, huh? eh?", "y": "it was there, we know the end."}, {"x": "false!", "y": "the funny for this photo. i plottait ass."}, {"x": "actually, sorry, man. i had you taken to lily.", "y": "wait. look at these pictures. barney always has the same pose and all these years."}, {"x": "yes, at this point, i have never an old head on the photos. neither ever or always.", "y": "it's gotta be a lousy picture of you."}, {"x": "nope, not at all.", "y": "and in elementary school? we all have school pictures ugly."}, {"x": "you really put a knot!", "y": "a crisp, barney?"}, {"x": "of course.", "y": "i! a photo ugly."}, {"x": "you sure?", "y": "no! wait! you ate a potato chips! where's the chips?"}, {"x": "these girls have ruined so many things, or you forget paris.", "y": "this is what happened in paris?"}, {"x": "it will not surprise you, but the rest of the trip was horrible. i did a picture of a romantic kiss in front of the eiffel tower, i actually had. it was just between karen and francis, our server yesterday.", "y": "it's terrible. my laptop is just... fell. you me collected mouse, m*therf*cker! i!"}, {"x": "you sure?", "y": "wait. how you do that?! you were not even standing!"}, {"x": "the drawer under the oven. i can not wait. you're the best!", "y": "i'm sorry, ted. i agree with lily on this. this kind of evening is hard for someone new. that's why i have not brought don. when i was in japan, this guy, hot date for our third, took me to his brother's wedding. now i, a complete stranger, am on the photo album of the marriage of a japanese couple forever."}, {"x": "yes, okay, ted. this bitch has proved some nice, but except for b*tches, not the rule of b*tches.", "y": "i'm starting to cry."}, {"x": "and yet you're there, smiling as if nothing was wrong, completely wrong. robin's birthday, there is 3 years old. robin had a cold, and you made him remove his pajamas for the photo.", "y": "and you got me pinched cheeks very hard for them to be pink."}, {"x": "yeah, but you were beautiful.", "y": "and then we all ate chocolate cake in my bed."}, {"x": "thank you, lil.", "y": "i think lori's age made him very wise."}, {"x": "marshall, try this. keep your eyes closed until the last second and when i say, open them.", "y": "it's a hole in your jacket?"}, {"x": "i do not lie! we made love, i have pictures!", "y": "i hate my job."}, {"x": "what? you had not interviewed the mayor?", "y": "mayor mcwouaf. it teaches the children clean, dressed dog. finally, it is supposed to."}, {"x": "i do not want to talk about mayor mcwouaf. i mean those amazing shoes at bon pied-a-ti! watch as they absorb the shock!", "y": "the table! there was a table... back. were returned."}, {"x": "sorry robin. i was bored.", "y": "yeah, i understand."}, {"x": "okay, i look at my calendar, see when i'm available. but i want a list of questions in advance and nothing about my private life.", "y": "ted, you've nabbed seven peanuts in a row. impressive but not enough to be published."}, {"x": "seven in a row. but i speak not of it. i talk about my selection for the construction of a scale model of the empire state building for the greater recovery of the new york skyline in the world.", "y": "that's the thing with which you played the other day?"}, {"x": "how long are you here?", "y": "ten seconds."}, {"x": "i do not think there's a g*n to my marshmallow. now, i tremble. i think i will not sleep all night.", "y": "oh, sweetie. i have a trick to help you sleep. glue this under your pillow. you'll sleep like a f*cking baby."}, {"x": "robin puts it.", "y": "it's going to hurt someone. there is the... security."}, {"x": "i changed! i like the weapons now. charger.", "y": "maybe there should be a pause.."}, {"x": "new information has been discovered on the att*ck on marshall.", "y": "really? they caught him?"}, {"x": "he is behind bars.", "y": "so, where did they find?"}, {"x": "i think naked in a tree, throwing his feces.", "y": "i've seen. that's why i take the taxi."}, {"x": "they tracked!", "y": "what's happening?"}, {"x": "do not sh**t. there was no banana!", "y": "come on, barney. i know that marshall has not been mugged by a monkey."}, {"x": "what? him in your program? and my model?", "y": "no one wants to see a guy who comes to play with dolls."}, {"x": "first, it was not what you think. secondly, you got a guy playing with dolls.", "y": "so, your dolls are favorites of rhinebeck prices next month."}, {"x": "and you invited back for a second interview.", "y": "because the fbi wanted to be occupied while they searched his home. come on, marshall. i need history. it has everything. crime, monkeys, no stupid model of the empire state building, which takes me all my living room and smelly glue everywhere. go. do this for me... as a friend?"}, {"x": "really? cool.", "y": "who knows someone who has been mugged by a monkey?"}, {"x": "nobody except the good people of thailand, china, costa rica and many other countries where the crime committed by the monkeys is a common nuisance.", "y": "the best is that it is possible that the story goes on national tv. guys, this story of the monkey attacker can make me famous."}, {"x": "come here. seriously, what's your flavor? it's intoxicating.", "y": "do not be nervous. we will sit down... it's that thing, whore?"}, {"x": "i know. looks like something covered by a sheet. if you want to discover, you will have to do a story on it.", "y": "it's you who will be covered by the sheet if you leave your model not stupid."}, {"x": "the monkey is there.", "y": "surprise. we thought it would help to bring you to confront your abuser."}, {"x": "the name of his companion is milly?", "y": "in your own words, describe what happened."}, {"x": "well... i'd love to tell you what happened, robin. but... i really want to know what's under that sheet.", "y": "we talk about that. we speak your aggression."}, {"x": "people are att*cked every day in new york, robin, do we often see what's under that sheet? you can sh**t it?", "y": "we come back."}, {"x": "it's good.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "what are you talking, baby? of course i do.", "y": "great, tell it to america. five minutes."}, {"x": "tell us just what happened.", "y": "yes, tell us the truth."}, {"x": "okay! that is the truth. i go back... back to bed.", "y": "sh*t. okay, put a microphone."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, ted.", "y": "best..."}, {"x": "you're currently whining?", "y": "i know it's stupid, but... and the dragon. they are happy, you know?"}, {"x": "seriously, ted is fine? i mean, i know that the weekend was hard, but hey... it's weird radio silence.", "y": "i know. his mother called such five times to ask where he was."}, {"x": "sorry robin. they are all out of pretzels. and i know how you're emotional. shh. leave it alone.", "y": "okay! okay, i... i cried during the song clint."}, {"x": "ted, where were you?", "y": "is that okay?"}, {"x": "so, i thought this piece would be the desktop. you see, a place just for dad. i mean, kids can come if they read a book, but no toy. this is not about to hold my love. it is rather a question of drawing a boundary.", "y": "whoa."}, {"x": "ted, you can not go on like this where you will make your life. it does not work like that.", "y": "yeah, i agree. this is perhaps the dumbest thing you've ever done."}, {"x": "okay? we all did stupid stuff in our lives. for example, i remember once when i put the rocket in the bathroom and tried to put them to dry in the microwave.", "y": "my god, you had to be completely stuffed."}, {"x": "no, it's too dumb to whether adult. it should be child when it happened.", "y": "children? why..."}, {"x": "bourre.", "y": "bourre."}, {"x": "you know, i'm glad robin have guessed. because it is really sensitive and fragile. i talk about the times she cried during the song clint. and while i whisper, i hope she hears me.", "y": "it was not me!"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "it's not me who cried during the song clint."}, {"x": "i know it's silly, but... and the dragon. they are happy, you know?", "y": "not as much as me."}, {"x": "i shall spin you 500 dollars if it happened to you instead of me.", "y": "$ 500? no worries."}, {"x": "exactly. now, i currently drive the car of my brother in the opposite direction on i-94. now that was a big mistake. i was... a kid.", "y": "wow, barney. you've been crying about this guy or what?"}, {"x": "it was robin! \"what! \"yes, it was robin who cried at the song clint! but she said... i know what she said. but that's not what she wanted you to know.", "y": "look, barney, i support most all these jokes about me crying. and if i claim to prove it was you who was crying, that you would not be a problem?"}, {"x": "of course.", "y": "i made a mistake in letting you go, right? your penis is huge."}, {"x": "found termites.", "y": "hey, good, good news is that the inspector has k*lled some cockroaches at the time of impact."}, {"x": "okay, that's good. well, i invented the last, but everything else, i swear it was true. come on, man. your mother is a cougar.", "y": "wait, i thought you said that a cougar could not be more than 50 years."}, {"x": "you want to install?", "y": "well... it's a bit early... but... of course, i might consider... i moved here, let me think."}, {"x": "i mean, you can install yourself beyond me to sit?", "y": "yeah, that's what i was talking about me too. as i said, let me think. i agree."}, {"x": "you said what?", "y": "i thought about it."}, {"x": "you think about it? you hardly know him. in addition, the guy is a draw with a job that is worthless.", "y": "we have the same job, barney."}, {"x": "it still seems fast.", "y": "you're probably right."}, {"x": "you should live with him.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "yeah, you're happy with him, and i adore you as a roommate, i want you to do what is right for you.", "y": "you wanna throw me out because of something with milk?"}, {"x": "it's super boring.", "y": "no. i have a system. i put the empty brick in the fridge to remind us to buy milk."}, {"x": "all right. as a former... before you embark on anything, i'm meeting this guy. i think it's pretty weird not having yet met.", "y": "bluntly. it's as if someone was orchestrating things for this specific purpose. okay, but you must promise to behave well."}, {"x": "it's good.", "y": "and it was barney."}, {"x": "so barney's your ex and you hang out with him? it makes me uncomfortable.", "y": "the'm not, it's as if we had never been together."}, {"x": "in short, the arms of the erasmus student have dropped and there fell of my swing. seriously, i have not found a girl who can do that from robin.", "y": "how was your weekend, or any other topic?"}, {"x": "wait, wait. you think i'm gay? why you would assume that?", "y": "your teacher of calligraphy called..."}, {"x": "and?", "y": "your ink arrived."}, {"x": "when i found out that your roommate is single, i was a little jealous, but now that i know he's gay, so good.", "y": "ted is not..."}, {"x": "thank you. ted is not it?", "y": "ted will not be much there. it follows cher's tour."}, {"x": "you're also out with ted? 4 people you consider your best friends, you've slept with 50% of them.", "y": "it's just my friends."}, {"x": "that was after you to be part.", "y": "sorry for not having told the truth from the beginning."}, {"x": "i can not wait, buddy.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "do you like sushi?", "y": "don made sushi, it's cool, huh? he learned in japan."}, {"x": "but if robin decides to move, i bought a giant bed.", "y": "i would love. if i move."}, {"x": "great! give her milk!", "y": "spit, spit!"}, {"x": "it's barnexclussif.", "y": "barnexclussif, not quit. i have a double appeal."}, {"x": "it's teddy bear. want some honey?", "y": "no. ted, not quit. i'll remember. ted is on the other line... and i think he has a problem."}, {"x": "ted calls you? indeed, he has a problem.", "y": "what's the matter?"}, {"x": "right there.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "you knew before you start. wait. forget your sweater. nice try.", "y": "the teddy bear, barnexclussif."}, {"x": "dad?", "y": "we get up, f*ckers. you remember last night?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry. it is both. we drank and we were stupid, but... we will do everything we can to ensure that don is part of the group.", "y": "don will not be part of the group. neither do i. at least for a while. guys... with don, it works well. i want to see where it goes. and i could not do it if i continue to hang out with my ex. it will not. i moved in with don."}, {"x": "i assume you're talking about cooking, otherwise i would have other issues.", "y": "i'm sorry, lily, but i have a chance to don. and i will not drink out with you every night... especially when \"you\" included two of my ex."}, {"x": "i understand. you're right. we miss you much.", "y": "you too. i gotta go. it is called? sorry, new york, i had to answer. where were we? bus accident."}, {"x": "yeah. at a bar. that book might as well be called, \"are you there, barney? it's me, horny.\" that is not what \"shields up\" looks like. that is what \"shields up\" looks like.", "y": "move. god! hey. 'sup, dudes? fries?"}, {"x": "oh, good god, woman. you're a disgrace.", "y": "no fries for this guy."}, {"x": "here, have some tea.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "robin, i am here for you. whatever you need.", "y": "okay, about that. ted, listen. i know myself pretty well. and, some time over the next few months, i'm going to want to sleep with you. and when that happens, you have to try to say no."}, {"x": "try? i will absolutely say no. our friendship is too important.", "y": "okay, you know, maybe i wasn't clear enough. i will come at you with everything i've got. i will stalk you like the lioness st*lks the gazelle careful, patient, deadly. and if you let your guard down for so much as a second, as sure as you were born, i will hump your brains out."}, {"x": "it was a tough summer, but i think our girl's been a real trooper. she's... is this a cheeto?", "y": "no, we ran out of cheetos last week. oh, yeah, it's a cheeto. dibs."}, {"x": "hey robin, what do you think? the girl sitting at the bar. shields up?", "y": "mmm, totes, toots. she's here on a date. she brought the book because she got here early, and she also wants to impress the guy she's meeting. girls like to come across all classy and smart, you know?"}, {"x": "oh, that sucks! and dibs.", "y": "so you went on one date with one of her friends. it's not necessarily a big deal. i mean, did it end on bad terms?"}, {"x": "i got to see her ankles.", "y": "you're one of those? god, i swear, one in five guys..."}, {"x": "that's ridiculous. lily, there is no way that i would ever... okay, everyone needs to shut up so that i can think!", "y": "they're talking to a guy now."}, {"x": "what kind of guy? a cheesy guy or a cool guy?", "y": "oh, a cheesy guy. don't worry."}, {"x": "oh, man! that guy is cool. his hair's all cool, he's got a cool belt.", "y": "well, that guy is cheesy, and if you think he's not cheesy, then you're cheesy, too, and now i want something cheesy. who's feeling nachos?"}, {"x": "oh, look at you, robin. you're jealous.", "y": "jealous?"}, {"x": "yeah, jealous, because she's got it, and you've lost it.", "y": "i have not lost it."}, {"x": "you lost it.", "y": "i still have it. i know exactly where it is, and i can go get it whenever i want."}, {"x": "robin, girls are like cartons of milk. each one has a hotness expiration date, and you've hit yours. i'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway but it's all downhill from here.", "y": "i don't have to take this. but i do have to take this."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "14 seconds! 14 seconds, and already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off. i... still... got... it. all right, buddy, you proved my point. now scram. nice belt, by the way."}, {"x": "robin, you do look super hot.", "y": "oh, do i?"}, {"x": "yeah, you do.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "come say good-bye before you leave.", "y": "say good-bye before you leave?"}, {"x": "so, this chick and i are going at it behind the central park zoo. the bonobo chimps start giving us a standing o, and just when i'm about to give her the same thing... what up?... i... i can't. i just... i can't. guys, i know you count the minutes until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is, and i love doing that for you, but i just can't tonight.", "y": "what's wrong?"}, {"x": "i don't want to talk about it.", "y": "okay. hey, you guys see deadliest catch last night?"}, {"x": "of course not. it's a two-day job.", "y": "pass."}, {"x": "tuesday at work. some of the senior partners are really getting up there.", "y": "so, ted, yesterday at work, i totally talked you up to that super-hot makeup girl, liz."}, {"x": "oh yeah? mm-hmm. what did you say?", "y": "oh, you know, how funny you are..."}, {"x": "guilty.", "y": "handsome."}, {"x": "who, me?", "y": "incredible lover."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "oh, yeah. oh, yeah. i was all like, \"he knows a woman's body better than she knows her own, endless waves of pleasure just cresting and breaking for hours and hours...\" blah, blah, blah. \"orgasms so intense that you just black out.\" all that stuff."}, {"x": "robin, how can i possibly live up to that review?", "y": "what? you know what you're doing down there. oh, teddy westside can bring it. we know this."}, {"x": "but that is not the point. i mean, you broke the first rule of setting people up undersell. it's like, if someone's never seen the karate kid, you don't say, \"it's the greatest movie ever.\" you say, \"uh, it's pretty good\" and then they see it, it blows their freakin' mind. because cobra kai sensei's all like, \"sweep the leg!\" and daniel-san's all like...", "y": "maybe i did oversell you a bit."}, {"x": "oh, i don't know... that guy.", "y": "did she tell you that bob barker was your dad, too?"}, {"x": "i know. forgetting to send the photo. that poor sculptor had to work from memory. those statues probably look nothing like us. damn it, mom!", "y": "so, ted? you were worried that i oversold you to liz. well, i fixed it."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "i sent her another email. \"dear liz. i hope it didn't sound like i was trying to oversell ted. the truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down to earth guy, and i think you two would really hit it off.\""}, {"x": "thank you. thank you. that's perfect. that totally takes the pressure...", "y": "\"is he going to rock your world in bed? no. but he's clean, open to criticism, and not into anything too weird. he's not bad at all. not bad at all.\""}, {"x": "see, now you went too far in the other...", "y": "\"i'll be honest. the first few times aren't going to be that great. he's going to say 'are you finished?' more times than a waiter in a busy restaurant.\""}, {"x": "\"ted mosby is solid as a rock.\" no. \"dependable.\" no. \"rugged.\" no.", "y": "why don't i just go to the chevy web site and copy down adjectives?"}, {"x": "i just want to hit that perfect middle ground.", "y": "how about we just go wildly to both extremes and just let them balance each other out? \"ted mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent, and really rich, but lacks bladder control.\" oh, damn."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that last bump just made me hit send."}, {"x": "oh, no.", "y": "don't worry. i'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke."}, {"x": "wait. barney and james are two years apart. if sam only knew loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be barney's father.", "y": "he's also quite the detective."}, {"x": "there you go. come on.", "y": "weird day."}, {"x": "weird day.", "y": "hey, look at that! liz still wants to meet you. that's great!"}, {"x": "i guess. wait a minute. you said liz was a total ten. why would she want to meet the incontinent freak show you described? you oversold her!", "y": "maybe a little."}, {"x": "you said she was a ten.", "y": "i did not specify on what scale."}, {"x": "you said she looked like a movie star.", "y": "she does. it's robert de niro, but, like, super buff, like in cape fear."}, {"x": "fine. i'll have a three-way with hot and kind of hot while giggles works the camera. i ride!", "y": "so, get this last night, i was watching tv, and it turns out, some random satellite channel picks up a certain local chicago newscast."}, {"x": "oh, man, it's bad enough to have to go through a horrible breakup, but then have that person pop up on your tv? are you okay?", "y": "well, i'll admit, at first, i felt a little weird. but after the initial shock, i realized something i've moved on. finished with that. it was a peaceful moment of closure."}, {"x": "that's great. good for you.", "y": "yeah, thank you."}, {"x": "where's the poop, robin?", "y": "excuse me?"}, {"x": "when i was a kid, i had a dog named bean. whenever he made the face that you're making right now, you just knew he pooped somewhere in the house. where's the poop, robin?", "y": "i don't know what you're talking about."}, {"x": "where's the poop, robin?", "y": "there's no poop."}, {"x": "where's the poop?", "y": "okay. so it wasn't entirely a peaceful moment of closure."}, {"x": "that's great.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "good for you. where's the poop, robin?", "y": "damn it! okay, in the process of truly getting over him, i may have called him and left an... indelicate voice mail."}, {"x": "give me your phone. we're deleting don's number.", "y": "don't worry. i am never doing that again. it was a one-time thing."}, {"x": "prove it. delete contact.", "y": "there. deleted."}, {"x": "actually, i think i'm gonna say no.", "y": "no? are you kidding me?"}, {"x": "ted, i admire your loyalty. you've had that hairstyle forever. you don't care that it's out of fashion or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. you stick with it. to ted.", "y": "hey, lily!"}, {"x": "don't \"hey, lily\" me. i smelled poop all the way from the hallway.", "y": "oh, no, not this again."}, {"x": "where's the poop, robin?", "y": "okay, i left don another message."}, {"x": "but that's impossible. you deleted his number.", "y": "i tried to. but then this thing popped up on my phone that said, \"are you sure?\" and i wasn't sure. i can't lie to my phone."}, {"x": "oh, sweetie, i totally understand. delete it!", "y": "it's not that easy, okay? you're not just deleting a number, you're deleting a part of your life. you know, all those memories, all those experiences. it's like you're admitting they're gone forever."}, {"x": "i know, sweetie. i know. delete it!", "y": "okay, if it's that easy, i'm gonna delete one of your numbers from your phone, see how you like it."}, {"x": "my \"plezh.\" if you can find a number in there that i don't call regularly, i'll gladly delete it.", "y": "super kicks karate."}, {"x": "no, not that one. that's my dojo.", "y": "you have a dojo?"}, {"x": "but i'm totally gonna sign up for more lessons.", "y": "how long ago did you take that class?"}, {"x": "i don't know. it was around the time when everyone was going, \"wassuuuuuuup!\"", "y": "how do you even remember that? lily, this is a number that you will never dial again."}, {"x": "i might.", "y": "no, no. but you keep it in your phone because it reminds you of a version of yourself that you could be, even if it's a version of yourself that you'll never become. and that's okay."}, {"x": "i finally know what your kind goes through. i get it now.", "y": "for the last time, i don't care how big it was, it is not the same as giving birth."}, {"x": "no, he's been doing it to try to get ted to design the new gnb tower.", "y": "which moves are we talking about? did he do the thing where he brags on himself in the form of a complaint?"}, {"x": "he did.", "y": "and the intense eye contact thing?"}, {"x": "okay. yep.", "y": "and the thing where he establishs intimacy through physical contact?"}, {"x": "yeah... cream cheese has a mild flav-flavor so it... it balances out the spiciness of the jal... the spiciness of the... dude!", "y": "so at any point in this did you say, \"barney, i know what you're doing, and it's not going to work. i am not taking that job\"?"}, {"x": "it's nice to be wanted, okay? and, yes, this is a new vest. thank you all for noticing. oh, that's right, you didn't. barney did!", "y": "oh, teddy, you are so going to spread your legs and design that building."}, {"x": "robin never deleted don's number.", "y": "oh, everyone thinks it's so easy. give me your phone. let's delete one of yours."}, {"x": "okay. no problem. if you can find a number that i don't need or shouldn't have in here, be my guest, but good luck. i keep my phone tight.", "y": "edwin."}, {"x": "oh, no, not that one. that's the booker for the club that my band plays at. you know, my all-lawyer funk band... you remember... the funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk.", "y": "you guys played one gig four years ago. i'm deleting it."}, {"x": "probably not, baby.", "y": "see, it's hard to hit that delete button, isn't it?"}, {"x": "well, it's just that without that number in my phone, i'm just a corporate lawyer working 60 very un-funky hours a week.", "y": "sorry, marshall. but if i have to, you have to."}, {"x": "no, it's not. not anymore. and you know what? letting go of that dream was the best decision i ever made. you guys actually think i have some lingering itch to be an architect? work 20 hours a day and weekends? to get ulcers and pull my hair out and worry and doubt myself and then at the end of it all, have the rug pulled out from under me? i love being a professor, okay? all that stupid crap they tell you about how fulfilling teaching is? it's all true. i'm happy, and i'm not letting go of that. my answer's no.", "y": "hey, guys."}, {"x": "where's the poop, robin?", "y": "how do you do that? you are like a b*mb-sniffing dog, except with poop. you are a poop-sniffing dog."}, {"x": "where's the poop, robin?", "y": "fine. i called don again."}, {"x": "i thought you deleted his number.", "y": "i did, but it turns out, i memorized it. you can't delete contacts from your brain, lily."}, {"x": "well, you have to try. if you ever want to have closure...", "y": "i am never going to have closure. okay? closure doesn't exist. okay, one day, don and i are moving in together, and the next thing i know, he's on a plane to chicago. it just... ended. and no matter how much i try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. don and i will always be a loose end. we'll always be..."}, {"x": "bueno?", "y": "who is this?"}, {"x": "no hablo ingles. quien es?", "y": "i'm sorry. is this 917-456... i'm sorry, 465... no, wait."}, {"x": "hey, get this. you know my friend max from law school? he's at gregor's steakhouse downtown, and woody allen is sitting two tables over. he wants us to come check it out.", "y": "i don't know, it could be cool. i've never seen woody allen."}, {"x": "what?! robin, how can you be a new yorker and never have seen woody allen?", "y": "i have seen plenty of other famous people. last week i saw... maury povich."}, {"x": "maury povich is everywhere. i'm sorry, robin, but you're not a real new yorker until you've seen woody allen.", "y": "i am, too, a real new yorker."}, {"x": "that's adorable. you're from canada.", "y": "i have been here for almost six years. it's not like i just got off a boat."}, {"x": "no, you're not a real new yorker until you've k*lled a cockroach with your bare hands.", "y": "those rules are all stupid, okay? i've never done any of those things."}, {"x": "why would i do that? i'll see him at poker on tuesday.", "y": "oh, come on, if we jump in a cab, we'll be there in 15 minutes."}, {"x": "i can b*at a bus or a cab or a train!", "y": "is anyone else suddenly craving green eggs and ham?"}, {"x": "* marshall versus the machines *", "y": "ooh, taxi!"}, {"x": "somebody call an ambulance!", "y": "excuse me, i've got a thing."}, {"x": "hey! that's my cab!", "y": "gregor's steakhouse, downtown."}, {"x": "hi! i'm becky!", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "i am so excited to be your coanchor! yay!", "y": "hi, becky. my, you're perky."}, {"x": "don't worry, i am not here to step on your toesies.", "y": "oh..."}, {"x": "this is my cab! aah!", "y": "keep it."}, {"x": "see that over there? that's the old arcadian hotel. fun fact... while today its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be...", "y": "so, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry. i never apologize. and why would i?", "y": "are you kidding me?"}, {"x": "sure. stand a little more this way. i'm scouting some talent. pretend we're talking about something important.", "y": "oh, well, this... this is something important. um, i'm having a... a really rough time at work. you know, the whole becky thing..."}, {"x": "what, you really had something to talk about?", "y": "yes. look, i've spent the last,six years in this city, focusing on my career, all for nothing. some lady almost got me k*lled. maury povich stole my cab. i swear, this city is starting to reject me like a bad organ transplant. you know, everyone keeps saying that i'm not a real new yorker. well, maybe i should just stop trying."}, {"x": "robin, i had no idea.", "y": "no, it's my fault for thinking that you might care. ranjit, stop the car."}, {"x": "not stopping the car.", "y": "seriously, stop the car."}, {"x": "look, you... wait, wait... robin, hold on. if you want to talk, i'm right here.", "y": "carrots and peas."}, {"x": "whoa! this is crazy.", "y": "i can't believe it."}, {"x": "sweetie? are you okay?", "y": "no. i am done with this city. it wins. i just want to move somewhere new and start over."}, {"x": "you've had a rough year. but you're tough. and i love you like crazy. if you left, i'd have to follow you. and marshall would follow me. and ted would follow him. the only upside is that we might get rid of barney. bring it in.", "y": "what did he say?"}, {"x": "no clue. hey, is that maury povich?", "y": "hey! lily."}, {"x": "there it is.", "y": "where are marshall and lily?"}, {"x": "who cares?", "y": "i won? i won!"}, {"x": "no!", "y": "i can't believe i won!"}, {"x": "screwing gregor's. going to coney island.", "y": "i won!"}, {"x": "pff. that's not true. uh, sometimes smaller is better. \"hey, look how big my cell phone is!\" you don't hear people say that. no. you want something compact and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket, and i think max is just a great guy.", "y": "lily told you."}, {"x": "how can you speak of such things?", "y": "girls talk about everything."}, {"x": "size, shape, left or right leaning orientation...", "y": "length, resemblance to a historical figure, such as winston churchill... yes, that's one of you. girth, grooming..."}, {"x": "i still don't get this. why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, do you want to ruin... wait a minute. who's the girl?", "y": "duh. of course there's a girl."}, {"x": "small penis. you have a small penis. oh, that's super interesting, but you have a small penis. damn it, marshall! okay. okay. think of any two words other than \"small\" or \"penis\". got it small penis. damn it!", "y": "yeah, i-i think it is so cool that you started your own law firm."}, {"x": "yeah, but, uh, you know what they say. the important thing is-is how you use it, you know? \"the motion of the ocean.\" that whole thing.", "y": "he said it's small, marshall, and everybody's fine with that. let's just move on."}, {"x": "nah. everything about it is tiny. the office is tiny. the conference room is tiny. plus, i got a very small staff.", "y": "let's order!"}, {"x": "thanks, man. next time, it is on me. aw. excuse me. i'll be right back. all right.", "y": "totally."}, {"x": "damn, baby, be cool!", "y": "you're acting like he has six months to live."}, {"x": "it's your fault! you ladies and your salty sailor talk!", "y": "oh, come on! what about you men and your locker room talk?"}, {"x": "yes, we do, but you know what we say? \"i hit that.\"\"i got some.\"\"i tapped it.\" \"i squeezed those.\" discreet and efficient.", "y": "not to mention classy."}, {"x": "are you sure?", "y": "yeah. that argument has no traction whatsoever."}, {"x": "ugh, he thinks i like this...but it feels disgusting.", "y": "uh, it looks disgusting."}, {"x": "\"uh, is this working for you?\"", "y": "oh, of course, because what woman doesn't like being slobbered on while some giant paws at her nether regions like lenny from of mice and men?"}, {"x": "oh, you're bad.", "y": "more cosmos?"}, {"x": "then he gets this panicked look on his face, says, \"i can't do this,\" and storms out.", "y": "wow, that is weird."}, {"x": "it was amazing. he was passionate, animalistic, a complete stud.", "y": "wow. so he's right there making you say all this, huh?"}, {"x": "\"as the musky scent of man and marshall's sure-footed traction intoxicated and overpowered me.\"", "y": "that sounds real."}, {"x": "well, i mean, geez, lily.", "y": "well, whatever you do, do not name your baby \"becky,\" right?"}, {"x": "why? what?", "y": "becky. my new co-anchor? don't you guys ever watch the show?"}, {"x": "i watched. robin insisted i confirm how \"awful\" becky is, so last night i checked it out.", "y": "peace talks in the region have been described as, \"productive.\" becky?"}, {"x": "oh, no! they stole all his money and then pelted him with his own taco meat! who would do that?", "y": "well, if you read the story, we might find out."}, {"x": "oh, can i do this one, about the horse? i love horseys. mm-hmm. aww, the horse d*ed. guys! this news is all really sad.", "y": "okay, no holds barred-- what'd you think of becky?"}, {"x": "mmm... i thought she was charming.", "y": "you, too? can somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men?"}, {"x": "no, it's not. it's fun. here, watch this. hey, lily... who's your daddy?", "y": "okay, uh, let me get this straight. so, in, uh, in this scenario, because you make such sweet love to lily, she is now your daughter."}, {"x": "wow. that is disgusting.", "y": "exactly. and it's not like the opposite would work. there's no way a guy could pick up a girl, going around talking like a little boy."}, {"x": "challenge accepted.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "\"i doubt there's any scientific data to support..\"\" i had all sons. your grandfather had all sons. your great-grandfather had all sons. scoreboard! who you gonna listen to? me? or \"scientific data\"?", "y": "members of the g-8 convened today in vienna to discuss plans to fight climate change by re... what?"}, {"x": "ask me what i did yesterday.", "y": "hey, becky, becky, this is our news segment, okay? nobody cares what you did yesterday."}, {"x": "lighten up, robin. what'd you do, sweetheart?", "y": "mike!"}, {"x": "well, i'm new in town and don't know many people. but yesterday, i met the sweetest man, who took me on a tour of the city. guys, new york is kind of cool.", "y": "okay, back to the g-8 conference. hello? mike, can i get in the sh*t? fantastic."}, {"x": "then this cutie patootie took me to this bar called maclaren's, right underneath his apartment.", "y": "wait-- did you go out with ted mosby?"}, {"x": "yes! guys, i went out with robin's roommate. i saw her bedroom. she's a messy bessie.", "y": "in other news, later today, a manhattan architect gets punched in the throat."}, {"x": "ow!", "y": "ted, of all the women in new york, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?"}, {"x": "not what it sounds like, folks.", "y": "ted, you know that i hate her. how could you go out on a date with this girl?"}, {"x": "a spider!", "y": "let me guess she acted like a helpless little girl, and you stepped in as the big, strong man."}, {"x": "then i held her tight and told her it was all gonna be okay. by the way, i think i only wounded the spider. it crawled off into my bedroom.", "y": "wait. is that why you slept on the couch last night?"}, {"x": "hey, want to have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? his name's otis. hey, hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? i got the string; you got the cans. i wet myself! will you change me? can't blame her on that one. guys... i have some terrible, terrible news. i, barney stinson, can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. challenge forfeited.", "y": "yeah, we don't care about this..."}, {"x": "wow, i'm glad that's over. it was creepy watching barney talk like a little kid.", "y": "oh, but you find it irresistible when becky does? i don't get it. the ted that i went out with was attracted to the kind of woman who could use a steak kn*fe without supervision."}, {"x": "for your information, becky doesn't like steak, she likes pasghetti. spaghetti. and more importantly, she makes me feel needed.", "y": "needed? she makes training wheels feel needed."}, {"x": "you two and your football.", "y": "when we were dating, i... i didn't make you feel needed?"}, {"x": "come on! you always took charge of everything.", "y": "i got this."}, {"x": "this okay? am i hurting y...", "y": "i got this. whoa!"}, {"x": "someone's trying to break in-- call the cops.", "y": "i got this."}, {"x": "well, yeah. it's nice to be needed. look, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to upset you. it's becky. aw, she's trapped in a revolving door.", "y": "i got this."}, {"x": "okay, a) he was a doll; b) he was possessed by an adult serial k*ller; and c) how could you bring up chucky right before bed?", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey. um, when we were dating, did... did i make you feel needed?"}, {"x": "no, i didn't feel like you needed me at all.", "y": "that's what i thought. uh, i'm sorry."}, {"x": "wait, where are you... that's a compliment. you are the least needy woman i've ever met-- that's awesome. i mean, no guy's gonna say \"who's your daddy?\" to robin scherbatsky. you're your own daddy. and mommy. and weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. and that is what makes you the most... amazing, strong... independent woman i've ever banged.", "y": "thanks, barney. you know, um... there's something that i wanted to ask you, and i don't really know how to say it so... here goes. who's the crazy chick in the apron?"}, {"x": "challenge completed! now, uh, can you get this freak out of here? i'm really scared.", "y": "i got this."}, {"x": "uh, yes. yes, it does.", "y": "crap."}, {"x": "so, who's the lucky patient?", "y": "i don't want to talk about it."}, {"x": "please tell me you're not hooking up with one of your co-anchors again.", "y": "my co-anchor's a woman."}, {"x": "b-b-b-boats!", "y": "you did a commercial?"}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "you're a journalist! don't you want to be taken seriously?"}, {"x": "no. i'm cute.", "y": "okay, well, if you really think this is going to help your image."}, {"x": "robin, you gotta not worry so much about being liked.", "y": "oh, easy for you to say. everybody loves you at your job."}, {"x": "just tell me who you slept with!", "y": "lily, i don't want to get into it, okay?"}, {"x": "aha, it's someone we know. if it was some ding dong we didn't know, you'd just give me his name.", "y": "fine. it's bill pepper."}, {"x": "you slept with randy!", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "your co-host is getting super-popular because of her stupid commercial, \"boats! boats! boats!\" so, when you arrived at the gnb party after we left, you were feeling vulnerable and drunk. then, from across the not-so-crowded conference room, your eyes met. and as we all remember... randy has a unique condition.", "y": "yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet."}, {"x": "oh, god, this happens every time i get an erection. i am so sorry.", "y": "that's...exactly what happened."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "hey, guys."}, {"x": "robin, who'd you sleep with?", "y": "i told you-- randy. he was a machine."}, {"x": "where's the poop, robin?", "y": "fine. i didn't sleep with anyone. the thing is, ever since becky did that commercial, everyone at work loves her. so, the day after halloween, i was in a commercial."}, {"x": "bladder trouble; it's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, and it can affect anyone.", "y": "i'm going to the bathroom right now."}, {"x": "neat and discreet adult diapers for anyone.", "y": "say... \"ah...\""}, {"x": "wow! i can't wait to see it.", "y": "well, hopefully you never will. they said that they might not even use it."}, {"x": "oh, hey. you guys seen russell? i'm supposed to drive him to his mom's funeral.", "y": "i wish i knew you guys back then. you know why? because you can't kick a story in the nuts."}, {"x": "ooh.", "y": "not bad."}, {"x": "so, naturally, i snapped the rib off a triceratops, blahbity-blahbity-blue, i knocked down the whale. i'm surprised security didn't stop me on the way in.", "y": "well, i'm sure they don't remember. i mean, it's been like 30 years since that completely made-up story didn't happen."}, {"x": "ah, that's the stuff.", "y": "i didn't realize you were small potatoes. and to be clear, i am referring to your testicles."}, {"x": "impressive. try this on for size.", "y": "you want to dance? let's dance."}, {"x": "i live for the dance.", "y": "get... your other hand... off my ass."}, {"x": "yeah, old stuff's great.", "y": "mmm. ah, this scotch is good. how's your drink?"}, {"x": "this is ridiculous. we are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection of natural artifacts in the western hemisphere, and look at what we're doing.", "y": "you're right."}, {"x": "want to go touch a bunch of stuff?", "y": "yeah, i do."}, {"x": "hershey squirts.", "y": "hey. how do you like my date's tux? ooh! uh, a-thank you! oh, none for him. he's stuffed."}, {"x": "well, aren't you two clever. well, guess what, this museum has seen every kind of prank you can think of. mummies playing poker, penguins sticking out of volcanoes, dinosaurs from the cretaceous period hanging out with dinosaurs from the jurassic period. one time a kid knocked down the blue whale. you name it...", "y": "i'm sorry. did you say someone knocked down the blue whale?"}, {"x": "do you know what plays a huge role in helping a woman conceive? cervical mucus.", "y": "oh, my god, i can't wait to see this movie. i hear it's really scary."}, {"x": "oh, change of plans. i thought violent images wouldn't be good for my future fetus, so instead, i rented this video of a live water birth.", "y": "they don't know what it is. it just showed up on my mom's x-ray."}, {"x": "i know. isn't it?", "y": "why are you wearing that?"}, {"x": "exactly. science. there is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. think about it. proms, weddings. grandmas' funerals. thanks for the redhead, nana. the \"everyday boutonniere\" by stinson.", "y": "and nope. i'm sorry, barney, but no girl is going home with a guy with a flower on his chest. unless he's a clown, and she's in the trunk of his car."}, {"x": "robin, did you know that boutonniere is french for \"bootie is near?\" true story. une histoire vraie.", "y": "hmm! did you know that barney is french for \"sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid\"\""}, {"x": "woman, you best check yourself.", "y": "yeah, on the bright side, i guess suits are pretty boring without them, so..."}, {"x": "madam... that is an insult that cannot be borne! i demand satisfaction!", "y": "what, are we gonna duel?"}, {"x": "hey, robin, do you want to go get a korean massage on saturday?", "y": "oh, i'd love to. i've got this knot in my neck that's so annoying."}, {"x": "space teens?! is this a p*rn?", "y": "no, no. dude, dude. sweet! it's a kids' show."}, {"x": "yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old bowl of p*rn. whoa! and who is this exquisite keytarist i assum you're about to make sweet love to?", "y": "oh, that's jessica glitter. she was my bff on the show and in real life."}, {"x": "ah, bffs. did you guys have sleepovers? get mad at each other and wrestle, but then end up kissing in a tender embrace? here, show us on lily.", "y": "barney, you know what? if you're going to be disgusting, we're not watching this, okay?"}, {"x": "yeah. come on, barney. it's just a cute little story about... what exactly is this about?", "y": "oh, two average canadian teenagers who solve crimes in space using math."}, {"x": "oh. oh. i have to say, as much as i hate to agree with barney, this does seem to be a veritable p*rn.", "y": "okay, guys, come on. it's a kids' show! like electric company or sesame street or, um..."}, {"x": "you can't do that on television.", "y": "exactly."}, {"x": "robin, this show is so dirty, i don't know whether to hug you or run a shower for you so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.", "y": "it's just bad camera work, okay? wayne, our camera guy... he wasn't that great."}, {"x": "i don't know. i think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.", "y": "you know what? i feel bad for you americans, that you can look at this wondrous and educational adventure through space, and see something obscene. can you just please try to look at this with the innocence of a child?"}, {"x": "hey, if you and jessica are bffs, how come we've never met her?", "y": "okay, well, it was a long time ago, okay? i get a christmas card from her every year, but we're not really friends anymore."}, {"x": "i don't get it. how can you and glitter just stop being friends? best friends don't do that.", "y": "well, we did, okay? and i haven't talked to her in, like, five years, so just drop it. i got to go."}, {"x": "dude. feel the room.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "we've been waiting all day!", "y": "just watch it without me."}, {"x": "two dudes on the couch together watching p*rn? that's kind of weird.", "y": "okay, it's not p*rn, it's a kids' show."}, {"x": "two dudes watching a kids' show might be worse.", "y": "okay, fine, i'll watch it with you. yeah! but if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, i'm turning it off."}, {"x": "we...", "y": "i'm serious."}, {"x": "busy as ever!", "y": "our characters had pet beavers."}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "the beaver is the official animal of canada. it's our national mascot."}, {"x": "okay, girls. everyone knows a beaver's favorite food is wood. i just hope we brought along enough of it for our three-day galactic space journey. so let's do the math. if robin's beaver devours six inches of wood every half hour, and jessica's beaver devours eight inches of wood every 45 minutes, how much wood will i need to keep both of these beavers well-fed all weekend long? while you figure it out at home, how about we sing you a song about our beavers?", "y": "hey! no! you don't get to hear the beaver song! it is a sweet song about friendship, and you guys are being disgusting, and beavers are adorable!"}, {"x": "in your mom's pants. trick. she's old. hey, don't worry about me. i'm cool on the couch.", "y": "whoa. he's staying here? you're staying here?"}, {"x": "hey, schmosby, remember when you dookied in your pants down by the lake? unbelievable!", "y": "hey, schmosby, remember when you dookied on our couch in the form of your idiot high school friend? unbelievable!"}, {"x": "come on. i worry about the guy. he's had the same dead-end job at a car rental place for 15 years.", "y": "don't care."}, {"x": "he's been stuck in cleveland his whole life.", "y": "get a hotel."}, {"x": "robin... lebron.", "y": "okay, one night. got to go."}, {"x": "where are you going? we just got here.", "y": "oh, a korean massage."}, {"x": "by yourself?", "y": "well, i figured you'd be busy, reading what to expect when you're expecting to expect."}, {"x": "okay. so before you lily all over the place, maybe you should try hanging out with robin and not talking about babies.", "y": "hey, lily, what brings you to the crib?"}, {"x": "crib...", "y": "what's the matter? you look rattled."}, {"x": "rattled? i want to talk about babies.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "look, i know you don't care about this stuff, but i'm about to become a mother. and as a future mother, i'm gonna need the support...", "y": "oh, my god! you're not even pregnant yet."}, {"x": "what's that supposed to mean?", "y": "it means that a fertilized egg has not yet attached itself to the lining of your uterine wall. you see? i read your facebook updates. god, it's like it's all you ever talk about, lily, and i'm sick of it!"}, {"x": "well, guess what? i've got some good news. when that baby comes, you don't have to see it. in fact, you don't have to see me. this whole friendship thing? done.", "y": "great."}, {"x": "a turturkeykey?", "y": "yeah, i was there for the \"insertion.\" he used shoehorns. i'll be having sides."}, {"x": "what the hell happened here?", "y": "hey! morning, blitz!"}, {"x": "no, we hate zoey! i'm so furious at you all right now, but it's thanksgiving, and i have a turturkeykey to make. and not that i'm the blitz, but could everyone please come with me into the kitchen? okay, i'm, uh, just gonna preheat the oven.", "y": "the oven."}, {"x": "it's not awesome!", "y": "i think the smaller turkey just tried to crawl further inside the bigger turkey."}, {"x": "come on. give her a chance.", "y": "ted, you violated a dead turkey with another dead turkey. don't let that be in vain."}, {"x": "oh, my goodness. our cab took a wrong turn. we were in the thanksgiving day parade!", "y": "tony bennett passed ted the mike and he sang \"twist and shout!\""}, {"x": "no... no, ted. random number guy just sent me his wang back.", "y": "wow. you sent a wang out, and you got a wang back."}, {"x": "it's a boom-a-wang.", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "no, i meant the wang."}, {"x": "no, no, no. you guys can't be objective. you still feel guilty about last night.", "y": "well, let's get an outside opinion."}, {"x": "who are we gonna...", "y": "\"dear wang guy...can enemies ever be friends? just wondering.\""}, {"x": "really? wang guy? we're asking wang guy?", "y": "he's bold and uninhibited, so why not? and guys, you know what? for fun, why don't we ask him what he does for a living? wouldn't that be fun? just ask..."}, {"x": "aww. you've got a little crush on wang guy, don't you?", "y": "what? no. shut up. i hate him."}, {"x": "i'm not any blitz! you're the blitz! you're all the blitz! i slept with that cute indian girl who cuts my hair!", "y": "what does that have to do with anything?"}, {"x": "i figured it out! i know what's so creepy about the captain.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "whoa, he hates them.", "y": "captain, quick question how do you feel about the jonas brothers? ooh."}, {"x": "running the water.", "y": "holding the towel."}, {"x": "lily's right, ted. once you're married, it's very hard to be friends with a single person of the opposite sex.", "y": "yeah. unless you're old friends, which is why i can hang out with marshall whenever i want. right, marsh madness?"}, {"x": "i guess it's true. you and i never really hang out alone.", "y": "well, let's. let's have dinner together, just the two of us."}, {"x": "great. so go make nice with captain creepy, and problem solved.", "y": "december chill... so great."}, {"x": "did you catch the game last night?", "y": "yeah. nail-biter."}, {"x": "you know what's fun? is cold weather sports.", "y": "they are fun."}, {"x": "she's giving me nothing! he's just staring at me! she's just staring at me! it's making me nervous. great, now my left eye is twitching.", "y": "marshall, it's cool. she doesn't see it. what the hell's going on with his eye? am i supposed to not talk about that? great, now my right eye is doing it."}, {"x": "lots of drinks.", "y": "oh, so many drinks."}, {"x": "you're a hoot. i've been looking forward to this. for a very long time. well, anchors aweigh!", "y": "you know, i had this really boring poetry class in college."}, {"x": "you were just thinking that this dinner is really boring. that's what made you think of your boring class in college.", "y": "what?! what? no! no! no, no, no. marshall, no. no. i... i just saw that board of specials, and i thought, you know what sucks? being bored. which i am not. so that clears that... right up."}, {"x": "robin, i'm an attorney.", "y": "fine. this night's a little awkward."}, {"x": "i guess it's 'cause we never hang out alone together.", "y": "why is that?"}, {"x": "let's say yes.", "y": "and that's why we never hang out alone? yes."}, {"x": "as lily's best friend, you are the last person on the planet o's allowed to turn into a mermaid.", "y": "wait, does that mean that i'm a manatee right now?"}, {"x": "big-time manatee.", "y": "what were those sailors thinking?"}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "you're afraid that if you spend too much time alone with me, i'll turn into a mermaid?"}, {"x": "yes. i mean, sure, right now, you're bald and leathery ancovered in a thick layer of blubber...", "y": "am i blushing or...?"}, {"x": "...but at some point, my stupid male brain will transform you into a foxy fish-babe singin' \"part of your world\" to my pants.", "y": "okay, even if that happens, is there any way to un-mermaid me?"}, {"x": "worse. pregnancy. if a baby's on board that train, it is headed straight back to manatee city... where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty.", "y": "pregnancy?"}, {"x": "no... no, no! no! no, don't turn!", "y": "uh-oh. i don't feel so good. oh, my god! oh, my god, i am, i am so sorry! oh! you must think i'm totally disgusting."}, {"x": "i'm pregnant.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "i've never seen that woman before in my life! sorry. force of habit. congratulations!", "y": "to lily and marshall."}, {"x": "it's gonna be a magical day. i know what you're thinking. i wish i was a dude.", "y": "i do wish you were a dude."}, {"x": "because if i was a dude, i could have ted mosby as my best man.", "y": "no, and here's why.,ted, the best man's job is not to crush the floral arrangements. it's to get the groom down the aisle, because, no matter who he is, he will freak out. and i just don't think you have what it takes to get that get that soldier to pick up his r*fle and charge up the hill."}, {"x": "uh, are you forgetting i've done this before? i was marshall's best man.", "y": "and how did that go again? oh for one."}, {"x": "oh, come on. that wasn't my fault. and need i remind you, i gave a beautiful toast.", "y": "ted. oh, do you take one to be your lawfully wedded wife? oh, god, i'm freaking out. why did i chose ted to be my best man?"}, {"x": "why this sudden obsession with heads or tails?", "y": "well, it turns out that heads or tails has a job opening."}, {"x": "marni, flip that coin.", "y": "so now, because of that incident, heads or tails is looking for a new currency rotation specialist."}, {"x": "you mean coin flip bimbo?", "y": "they're not bimbos!"}, {"x": "you're the new coin flip bimbo?", "y": "currency rotation specialist."}, {"x": "robin, you better check yourself before you trebek yourself. you're a journalist! what is the matter with you?", "y": "well, it's a national audience! i get to wear shiny dresses!"}, {"x": "i thought you finally got that interview at world wide news.", "y": "well, i did, but they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job."}, {"x": "which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career.", "y": "well, so could heads or tails. the first currency rotation specialist went on to be a semi-finalist on the bachelor, and then, she lost, like, a hundred pounds on the biggest loser, and now she's totally winning celebrity rehab."}, {"x": "i'm pregnant.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "what changed your mind?", "y": "marshall and lily. i just realized that i am about to have a little niece who looks up to me. and i don't want to be sad aunt robin, the aging coin flip bimbo who gives her the creeps. i want to be cool aunt robin, the respected journalist... who gives her beer."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "what? oh. i have never seen you guys looking so at peace. to lily and marshall."}, {"x": "you're not pregnant.", "y": "as honored as i am by the offer, um... oh, my god. they're not having a baby. what am i getting all up in my head about? that research job sounds hard. and i'm pretty. i'm really, really pretty."}, {"x": "you took the heads or tails job?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "what about world wide news, your i.d. badge? you made a new year's resolution.", "y": "okay, i also said i would never make out with a garbage man. life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. what's with the gingerbread house?"}, {"x": "we're seeing a christmas movie. it's a christmas-themed movie snack.", "y": "let's hope santa brings you a girlfriend this year, teddy."}, {"x": "it's positive.", "y": "and now she's totally winning celebrity rehab."}, {"x": "i'm pregnant.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "i'm pregnant.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "do you think the others can tell we're freaking out?", "y": "what am i doing with my life?"}, {"x": "no, i can't keep it together!", "y": "i have never seen you guys looking so at peace. to lily and marshall."}, {"x": "and you... you did not move to the greatest city on earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. so here's how it's gonna work heads, you take the job at world wide news; tails, you take the job at world wide news. ow! hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!", "y": "fine, i'll call them tomorrow. i'll call them right now."}, {"x": "congratulations.", "y": "you know, that was really cool what you did. when we all needed it, you got us back on the right path."}, {"x": "it's what i do.", "y": "hey, ted, if i, um, if i ever get married and you're not the guy i'm marrying..."}, {"x": "big mistake, but go on.", "y": "...i could really use someone like you. you know, in case i freak out. when i freak out. you interested?"}, {"x": "are you asking what i think you're asking?", "y": "ted, will you be my best man?"}, {"x": "everyone, say hello to your new research associate robin scherbatsky.", "y": "hi, guys."}, {"x": "oh, i hate that guy.", "y": "it gets worse."}, {"x": "you had sex with sandy rivers?", "y": "no! ugh! and i can't believe it's my first day, and already i'm the girl who slept with the host of the show."}, {"x": "already? were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host?", "y": "well, now that i know it's sandy, i'm not."}, {"x": "already? oh, honey.", "y": "i wish i was the office slut."}, {"x": "yes. we definitely had sex.", "y": "we did not have sex."}, {"x": "then why do i remember you?", "y": "i don't know, maybe because i'm a smart, talented, professional."}, {"x": "no, none of those. oh, i remember. we didn't have sex.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "you're the girl who did the report on the carriage driver and slipped and fell in horse poop...", "y": "we did have sex."}, {"x": "oh, i... i remember now. gregory, do me a favor.", "y": "but this reporter takes pride in..."}, {"x": "he has to do that?", "y": "but i thought you talk to your dad about everything."}, {"x": "\"oh, and my sperm don't work. yeah, yeah, the laser tag thing is awesome\".", "y": "and the fertilizer is seeping into the ground water, causing..."}, {"x": "is scherpoopie pitching a story about manure? genius.", "y": "okay, yes, i, uh, i fell into some manure. it's hilarious, fine. in a five-year career of on-air reports, there are bound to be a few embarrassing moments."}, {"x": "a few?", "y": "uh, but in my case, it was just the one, and you found it, so, uh... just the one."}, {"x": "oh, god. what did they find?", "y": "everything."}, {"x": "you got att*cked by an owl?", "y": "i did not get att*cked by an owl."}, {"x": "robin, listen, here's what you need to do...", "y": "okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? it's too late. i'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. it's a canadian telephone pole. i never should have taken this job."}, {"x": "uh... okay, i did a bad thing last night. i looked up his address.", "y": "who?"}, {"x": "sorry. you said \"who\". it reminded me of the owl footage. genius. no. sandy. how dare he laugh at you. who does he think... sorry. \"who\". anyway. i looked up his address in your contact list.", "y": "oh, god. tell me you didn't go over there."}, {"x": "i just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse.", "y": "oh, god. tell me those aren't the names of your fists."}, {"x": "they're my feet. i'm actually more of a kicker. so i went to his apartment.", "y": "oh, my god. this is..."}, {"x": "this is how you make sure sandy never makes fun of you again. i told you to steer into the skid. that was bad advice. so new advice. steer into sandy, and run him down.", "y": "if people found out sandy wears a toupee..."}, {"x": "really? that's your take-away? nothing on the bear in the bra?", "y": "oh, no. he's very open about that. that's gregory. nice guy."}, {"x": "so? possibly last day of work?", "y": "actually, it was a good day."}, {"x": "and i need more numbers on how the holiday season impacted the economy. sparkles, got anything on malls?", "y": "actually, sandy, i have something i think you're all gonna want to see."}, {"x": "yes! put him in a body bag!", "y": "okay, i didn't do it."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i didn't want to just viciously att*ck someone out of the blue like some kind of..."}, {"x": "owl?", "y": "exactly. so, instead of taking your advice, i took your advice."}, {"x": "don't look at me. this morning marshall said, \"i have to pee.\" and i, \"don't worry, baby, i'll do it for you.\" halfway through the pee, i'm, like, \"this doesn't even make sense!\"", "y": "well, uh, i've been to a couple funerals, so i know my role i'm vice girl. whatever marshall needs to get through this day, i got it right here."}, {"x": "marshall's mom hasn't eaten, slept or sat down since we got here. wait! that can be my role! i'll take care of judy!", "y": "yeah, but doesn't marshall's mom hate you--the fact that you two aren't very close?"}, {"x": "she said \"doody.\"", "y": "really, guys? at a funeral?"}, {"x": "wait a minute! today, we are gonna make marshall laugh.", "y": "how?"}, {"x": "hey, guys, sorry, uh... i left my charger back in new york, so my phone's out of juice. does anyone have...?", "y": "outlet or usb?"}, {"x": "you're like mary poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with dr*gs.", "y": "\"if\"? ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. \"spoonful of sugar...\"? grow up."}, {"x": "my dad's last words to me were a string of odd racial stereotypes.", "y": "all that stuff was really nice!"}, {"x": "i, uh, i hear you're a woman who can get things.", "y": "i've been known to locate certain objects from time to time."}, {"x": "i need vodka and dirty playing cards.", "y": "i got ya."}, {"x": "you have a voice mail from your dad?", "y": "how?"}, {"x": "i hold in my hand the last words my father will ever say to me. i'm gonna hit play.", "y": "what's wrong?"}, {"x": "wait-- no, no, baby... baby, i got it. let me.", "y": "you should listen to it. just don't put too much pressure on it."}, {"x": "true story.", "y": "the point is, last words are overrated."}, {"x": "hey, so, um, i heard you might have...", "y": "you heard right. i'm getting a reputation. so, what you need, mama? come here."}, {"x": "yeah! robin gave me a little orange pill from her purse. i don't know what's in it, but things are flowin' pretty smooth right now.", "y": "hey, stay hydrated."}, {"x": "that's awful.", "y": "no, here's the awful part."}, {"x": "okay... okay, who is responsible for this? who got cousin daphne drunk? she is 15 years old.", "y": "whoa, they grow big out here."}, {"x": "and here's your phone number back.", "y": "judy, i..."}, {"x": "these stories suck.", "y": "doesn't hold a candle to your crocodile dundee thing."}, {"x": "no. it's called manners, jerk. now, what's-what's going on in new york? give me something.", "y": "there is one thing that's been going on. uh, it's about ted... and zoey."}, {"x": "robin, i just want you to know, it's either this story you're telling me or another game of clue against myself, so make it good.", "y": "oh, it's good. you see, after that night, none of us heard from zoey for a while."}, {"x": "hi, honey, i'm ted.", "y": "she is a lovely person... warm, intelligent, just kind of gullible. it's like, every word out of her mouth makes you want to be like, \"oh, honey.\""}, {"x": "oh, honey.", "y": "i know. you just want to wrap her up in a blanket and give her a cup of tea. she's, like, this little lost lamb who needs to be protected from the wolves. speaking of whom..."}, {"x": "oh, honey.", "y": "so the night went on, and eventually everyone went home, except for ted and honey."}, {"x": "why do they call 'em coasters?", "y": "and barney."}, {"x": "you're right. she's all yours, buddy. i'd say hump her brains out, but someone obviously already has.", "y": "good for you. ted mosby does not take advantage of poor, helpless honeys."}, {"x": "yeah, actually, there's another reason that i didn't go home with her.", "y": "hmm?"}, {"x": "yeah, actually, there's another reason that i didn't go home with her.", "y": "hmm?"}, {"x": "ted's in love with zoey? but, but she's married. that boy needs an intervention.", "y": "funny you should say that."}, {"x": "finally.", "y": "hmm, no, it's the shoulder hair."}, {"x": "this is love. and this was my grandmother's watch. anyway, now i have only one course of action in front of me i have to end my friendship with zoey.", "y": "isn't that a little harsh?"}, {"x": "harsh? robin, a single guy and a married woman cannot be friends if one's in love with the other.", "y": "yeah, but zoey is friends with us now, too. it's not like ted can just ghost out on her. she'll always be around."}, {"x": "then what am i supposed to do?", "y": "okay, just shut it down. okay, just ignore your feelings. if-if she asks you for ketchup, tell her to get it her own damn self. look, i like zoey. without her, my dinner party wouldn't have been such a success. so those feelings of yours... shut 'em down."}, {"x": "oh, um, that's my other line. it's not a number i recognize.", "y": "so don't answer it."}, {"x": "eriksen residence, marshall speaking... listen, robin. i know. i apologize for my wife. she never should have...", "y": "yeah, i told zoey you hate her."}, {"x": "me? you dragged me into this?!", "y": "you just went through a tragedy. it's not like she's gonna call you up and..."}, {"x": "oh, god, that's my other line. oh, god, it's a 917 number, and i don't recognize it! i think it's zoey!", "y": "just don't answer it."}, {"x": "i can't not answer. it's impolite.", "y": "marshall, you can b*at this."}, {"x": "i can't turn my back on politeness.", "y": "you don't have to answer. you can just let it ring."}, {"x": "good manners are what separate us from those \"elbows on the table\" wisconsinites.", "y": "you can do this. i believe in you. don't do it, marshall!"}, {"x": "hey, i'm trying. i keep suggesting these big, romantic dates, and she keeps putting on the brakes. like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies.", "y": "oh. translation booty-call."}, {"x": "that's crazy. she-she wants to bake.", "y": "guys booty-call girls after 200 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, \"what ya doing?\" but when a lady booty-calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck real good."}, {"x": "shh. daddy's talking now. loneliness. the looming specter of valentine's day fast approaching. the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year, february 13 desperation day.", "y": "that's not a thing."}, {"x": "every woman wants a date on valentine's day. that neediness reaches its climax... what up... on february 13. a magical night when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two. now, there's only one thing you can't do.", "y": "please say \"widows.\""}, {"x": "wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 1159 p.m. otherwise, you're on a date on valentine's day.", "y": "barney, desperation day assumes that all single women freak out about valentine's day. which we do not. case in point, i will be spending february 13 with some lovely single ladies from work..."}, {"x": "trolls.", "y": "...who could care less about valentine's day."}, {"x": "lying trolls.", "y": "and we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. oh, no offense, ted."}, {"x": "i call him \"marshpillow.\" and he calls me... nothing because he's a pillow.", "y": "hey. how was \"baking cookies\" last night?"}, {"x": "we said you were going to have sex. we didn't say, \"bring a carry-on.\"", "y": "so how did zoey react?"}, {"x": "she thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave. it's-it's not like i brought a ton of stuff.", "y": "were there slippers for the morning?"}, {"x": "isn't that great?", "y": "yeah, if you say so, yeah."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "look, she just got out of a marriage, ted. that's heavy. i'm kind of freaking out, just listening to you. my heart is pounding, i'm hearing this weird clicking noise."}, {"x": "well, it's romantic, right? zoey and i are getting serious on valentine's day.", "y": "see, that just amps up the pressure even more. boy, it's a good thing that you're sure."}, {"x": "god, these girls are so hungry for male attention. it is like being a hunter and having the deer walk up, tie itself to the hood of your car and beg to get mounted.", "y": "barney, this is bev and anna, uh, my coworkers and my friends. bev, anna, this is barney, a high-functioning sociopath and my ex."}, {"x": "enchant\u00e9. that's french for \"what's with the purple?\"", "y": "well, tomorrow is valentine's day, and everything is pink and red, so bev very thoughtfully suggested that we wear purple to show how little we care."}, {"x": "bev, you look at me. it's not a stupid idea. tonight, we are queens.", "y": "and we don't care about some stupid, sexist, corporate holiday."}, {"x": "hey, guys, so sorry i'm late.", "y": "hey. hey, nora. uh, nora, this is barney. you want to see anna b*at him in an arm wrestle?"}, {"x": "oh, it is. plus, if you win, you get free pizza. this is my teammate for tomorrow.", "y": "oh, yeah, i agreed to that."}, {"x": "where are bev and anna?", "y": "well..."}, {"x": "so, we're taking off.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "those guys are gonna buy us hot dogs at grey's papaya.", "y": "what...? so that's it? a couple of white urkels offer you sausages, and you're gone? what about the sisterhood? solidarity? the color purple?"}, {"x": "but tomorrow's valentine's day.", "y": "i thought we didn't care about valentine's day."}, {"x": "it's late, and i have a date with my pillow. i mean, not literally. i'm not a lunatic. boy scout troop 15 doesn't stand a chance. bye.", "y": "speaking of the power of valentine's day..."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "oh, come on. it's-it's past midnight. desperation day has come and gone, and you have neither gone nor come. you know why? you like nora."}, {"x": "no, i don't. she's gross.", "y": "oh... you like her. you think she smells like rain."}, {"x": "whatever you say.", "y": "oh, hey, nora."}, {"x": "the ground was shaking like. robin, where are you? those boy scouts have grown a foot since last year. they're terrifying!", "y": "oh, yeah. change of plans. happy valentine's day."}, {"x": "wendy the waitress! i was just saying-- what are you doing here?", "y": "so, barney, i hear you and nora had a fun time at laser tag."}, {"x": "i don't know where you heard that. it was a disaster.", "y": "not according to her."}, {"x": "absolutely.", "y": "how is that a disaster?"}, {"x": "it's a shame, too. she was a really great laser tag partner. she's tiny, so she's allowed to push kids.", "y": "please, cheese. you like this girl."}, {"x": "what? nora? no, i don't.", "y": "barney, you can't say her name without smiling."}, {"x": "that's... nora. sorry, sorry. i was thinking of a funny thing that nora said. hmm. stop it. no... ra. nah... damn it, what is the matter with me?", "y": "you like her. you should call her."}, {"x": "call her? she had a nice face, her booty was in place, but barney don't chase.", "y": "that is ridiculous. barney, you know what, here's some advice."}, {"x": "yeah, he's been really... quiet.", "y": "well, that's just what minnesota guys are like... strong, silent, you know, man's man."}, {"x": "yeah, i'll walk out with you guys.", "y": "good night. good night, guys."}, {"x": "18 weeks.", "y": "damn it. okay, yes, i am in a bit of a dry spell. but i just started a new job, and dating's been on the back burner, and..."}, {"x": "shh. child, listen. if you're really hurting for it, i'd be more than happy to throw you one.", "y": "throw me one? yeah."}, {"x": "we're exes. we're probably due for a backslide. or we could just do it the normal way.", "y": "oh, i see what's going on."}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "this is about nora. you met a girl, you liked her, but then you missed your sh*t. and now you're trying to hook up with your ex-girlfriend to prove to yourself that you don't care."}, {"x": "robin, you could not be more... what do you mean i missed my sh*t?", "y": "nora met a guy. what?!"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "yep. off the market. he's taking her to cafe l'amour this friday night."}, {"x": "garbage island. you haven't heard of garbage island? it's an island... made of garbage! it's in the pacific ocean. it's twice the size of texas!", "y": "in other words, one-eighth the size of canada. so..."}, {"x": "me. i'm the bad guy.", "y": "well, maybe to him you are, but in the story of picking up the box for zoey, you're the hero."}, {"x": "you lying little minx. i happened to be at cafe l'amour tonight from 500 p.m. until closing, reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it, and i never saw nora or this italian race car driver she's dating.", "y": "sorry. who said anything about an...?"}, {"x": "come on, you just know he's an italian race car driver.", "y": "no, he's not. he doesn't exist. i made the whole thing up to see if you like her. and you do. so you should just call her. here is her number. and i also programmed it into your phone while you were in the bathroom. wow. that was a joke. you just got here, remember? you really are smitten."}, {"x": "no, i'm not. i'm barney stinson. i don't get smitten, i smite!", "y": "you are totally smitten, but you're scared of being in a relationship."}, {"x": "no, i'm not. i can't be anyone's boyfriend, robin. if i got serious with nora, it would be like if mother teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. with great penis comes great responsibility.", "y": "okay, mother teresa, throw me one."}, {"x": "sorry?", "y": "i would like it if you threw me one. fastball, right down the middle. actually, if i recall correctly, a slight curve."}, {"x": "careful, robin, i'll do it.", "y": "oh, i don't think you will. hmm. because you don't want to screw things up with nora. hey, prove me wrong. tomorrow night, my place."}, {"x": "all right, robin, give it to me.", "y": "damn it, barney, you failed my test! you know, i- i try to root for you. even as your ex-girlfriend, when you meet someone, i'm like, \"yeah, barney, go get her!\" but you know what? just forget it. you're never gonna change. i'm done trying to help you."}, {"x": "the number. give me the number, 'cause i really can't tell... is that a seven or a nine?", "y": "it's a five, idiot."}, {"x": "a fi...? in what moon man language is that a five?", "y": "\"moon man language\"? what does that even mean?"}, {"x": "how am i supposed to see that's a five?", "y": "look how you taped this up..."}, {"x": "fine, fine, fine. i have a phone call to make.", "y": "barney. go get her."}, {"x": "i can't believe barney is talking to his dad right now.", "y": "yeah, what do you say after three decades of not seeing each other?"}, {"x": "okay, now i feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. my dad was the one who taught me all that stuff.", "y": "well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge, something really obvious you somehow never learned."}, {"x": "okay, but a screwdriver? come on, i don't have any gaps that fundamental.", "y": "really? i seem to recall..."}, {"x": "okay, i learned that word by reading it. that's how i've always pronounced it.", "y": "ted, that wasn't easy. it took a lot of \"ch-aracter\" to admit that."}, {"x": "okay, scherbatsky. you want to tussle? i'll tussle.", "y": "you want to tussle? let's tussle."}, {"x": "marine biologist.", "y": "please, no."}, {"x": "so this really sucks, but i'm going to be in the north pole for the next three months.", "y": "seriously? the north pole? okay, pal, if you want to break up with me, just tell it to me straight. don't pretend you're going someplace we all know doesn't exist."}, {"x": "um, i'm going to be studying the mating habits of...", "y": "of who? santa's elves? rudolph? you know what? i'm going on a trip, too, scott. it, uh, starts in narnia. it works its way up to candyland, and then, hey, congratulate me, because i'm the new defense against the dark arts teacher at hogwarts. expelliarmus!"}, {"x": "robin, the north pole is a real place. you know that, right?", "y": "so... you want to get pizza later? or..."}, {"x": "i think we should break up.", "y": "i still think about him in the shower."}, {"x": "why'd you wait so long to contact me?", "y": "you've hurt me before, why should i trust you now?"}, {"x": "well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. it sounds like he just might be telling you what you want to hear.", "y": "barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt."}, {"x": "lily, at our apartment, you're the one who pees on the floor.", "y": "oh, my god. barney's dad."}, {"x": "no, i most certainly am not. look, i met him. he's not my kind of bro and that's that.", "y": "are you sure it's not more than that?"}, {"x": "hey, i got an idea how to pass the time. a little trivia game. robin, reindeer real or fake?", "y": "okay, i'm not an idiot. reindeer are obviously f... re... fake?"}, {"x": "you've been treating me with kid gloves ever since my dad d*ed.", "y": "that's not true."}, {"x": "robin, don't disagree with marshall.", "y": "i'm sorry."}, {"x": "you guys like my new soul patch?", "y": "righteous hair tab, brotha."}, {"x": "yes, i drown the son of a bitch.", "y": "you consistently miss at least one belt loop."}, {"x": "ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! i mean, wile e. coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the roadrunner.", "y": "or maybe he was. think about it. the way that she bats her eyelashes and shakes her tail feathers in his face? she wants it."}, {"x": "no, you... hold on. hello?", "y": "for the love of god, will one of you idiots hang up the phone?"}, {"x": "well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to spain that you've been planning. say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids.", "y": "i don't think you know what spain is."}, {"x": "where? i want his autograph!", "y": "it's graduation goggles."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "graduation goggles, like with high school. it's four years of bullies making fun of all the kids with braces, even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine. but then, on graduation day, you suddenly get all misty because you realize you're never going to see those jerks again. i just had graduation goggles with that guy scooby i dated."}, {"x": "the guy who was basically a dog?", "y": "he was the worst kisser i've ever been with. but the moment i decided to dump him...i suddenly got kind of wistful. he was a good boy."}, {"x": "yeah. i've been there, too. every time i'm done having sex with a woman, at first,i never want to see her again. no, that's pretty much it.", "y": "the point is, you can't trust graduation goggles. they're just as misleading as beer goggles, bridesmaid goggles, and that's-just-a-bulky, outdated-cell-phone in-his-front-pocket goggles. that one was a bummer."}, {"x": "your girlfriend somehow got the landmark preservation committee to agree to a hearing. if they declare the arcadian a landmark, the whole project is dead. the good news is, i just got the phone number of a husky-voiced hottie in a turtleneck.", "y": "...so, if the landmarks preservation committee sides with zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes? you must be furious."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. sorry. something hershel said at work today.", "y": "hershel?"}, {"x": "that's how i'm gonna use mine.", "y": "why in the world do you care so much whether marshall works at gnb?"}, {"x": "care? i don't care. i'm like, whatever. marshall who? he's stupid. hershel's way better.", "y": "okay, barney, is it possible that with everything that's gone on with your dad lately, you might have some unresolved abandonment issues you're transferring onto marshall?"}, {"x": "oh, that's cool. no biggie. another time.", "y": "oh, my god!"}, {"x": "how long have you been there?", "y": "you don't remember?"}, {"x": "oh, no, i'm fine.", "y": "okay. well, um, you want to go grab some lunch?"}, {"x": "sure. hey, are you okay if i invite marshall to join us?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "there's nothing to talk about.", "y": "you trashed your office today. i mean, you obviously have some deep feelings you're not confronting. and i think they're about your dad."}, {"x": "i don't want to talk about it, okay?", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "because i don't. and why am i explaining this to you? you're the most secretive person i know. you never tell anybody anything.", "y": "i've never... told anyone this before. um... i was 16. i was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, andy grenier. as things grew heated... i watched my father's hand slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. the sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. my dad and i got our stories straight. we walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. but sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... ticking."}, {"x": "that's... the most harrowing story i've ever heard. is it true?", "y": "no. but it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts."}, {"x": "fine! the reason i'm upset about marshall leaving gnb is... is...the meatball sub.", "y": "huh?"}, {"x": "...he quit, robin, he quit! it's meatball sub day today, which is why i wanted marshall to come over and have lunch. but no. all that work wasted. you want to make god laugh, tell him your plans, right?", "y": "what is wrong with you?"}, {"x": "i have to face an ugly truth. jerry whittaker, my own father, is anti-awesome-etic. i know crazy jerry's still in there somewhere, but he's trapped under 20 years of lawnmower parties and carpool barbecues.", "y": "wow, you know nothing about the suburbs."}, {"x": "finally... robin, you're dating ted.", "y": "aw, man! why?"}, {"x": "uh, hi again. ted. oh, and, jerry, you remember my girlfriend.", "y": "robin. hi. so nice to see you again."}, {"x": "not okay. that place is lame.", "y": "okay is lame? i thought lame was a gay bar. or is that wrong?"}, {"x": "guys, focus.", "y": "oh, i like focus. let's go there."}, {"x": "where?", "y": "not where. focus."}, {"x": "so closed is open.", "y": "no, closed is closed."}, {"x": "i don't know. third base! right?", "y": "ew, third base is all frat guys."}, {"x": "not okay. okay is lame.", "y": "okay is not lame. lame is a gay bar."}, {"x": "i might be allergic to this stamp.", "y": "oh, my god, my secret crush is here."}, {"x": "mila kunis?!", "y": "no, my secret crush. we met a few years ago."}, {"x": "hi. i could use a woman's opinion. is this working for me?", "y": "uh... no. the only good thing about how ugly that shirt is, is that it distracts from how terribly it fits you."}, {"x": "i was trying on the pants.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "hi. a few years ago at a department store... did you embarrass the hell out of me?", "y": "oh, i'm sorry, you must have me confused with the shirt you were wearing that day."}, {"x": "right. um... it was really nice to see you again.", "y": "mm-hmm. you, too."}, {"x": "can you believe it? this is awesome!", "y": "barney, how is that awesome?"}, {"x": "yeah! let's do it! uh, maybe fix the tie. but mostly, party!", "y": "okay, jerry's gone; let's break up."}, {"x": "okay. \"i would have stolen you a whole orchestra.\" there. what's the rush?", "y": "well, that guy who came over here who thinks we're dating, i kind of have a crush on him. can you help me clear it up?"}]