[{"x": "will you marry me.", "y": "yes, perfect! and then you're engaged, you pop the champagne! you drink a toast! you have sex on the kitchen floor... don't have sex on our kitchen floor."}, {"x": "got it. thanks for helping me plan this out, ted.", "y": "dude, are you kidding? it's you and lily! i've been there for all the big moments of you and lily. the night you met. your first date... other first things."}, {"x": "yeah, sorry. we thought you were asleep.", "y": "it's physics marshall, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too. my god, you're getting engaged tonight."}, {"x": "hey, so you know how i've always had a thing for half-asian girls? well, now i've got a new favorite lebanese girls! lebanese girls are the new half-asians.", "y": "hey, you wanna do something tonight?"}, {"x": "okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and suit up!", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "where's your suit!? just once when i say suit up, i wish you'd put on a suit.", "y": "i did that one time."}, {"x": "it was a blazer!", "y": "you know, ever since college it's been marshall and lily and me. now it's going to be marshall and lily... and me. they'll get married, start a family-before long i'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call \"uncle ted\"."}, {"x": "ted, i'm going to teach you how to live. barney, we met at the urinal.", "y": "oh, right. hi."}, {"x": "lesson one, lose the goatee. it doesn't look good with your suit.", "y": "i'm not wearing a suit."}, {"x": "lesson two, get a suit. suits are cool. exhibit a. lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty.", "y": "thirty, right. you're right. i guess it's just, you're best friend gets engaged-you start thinking about that stuff."}, {"x": "i thought i was your best friend. ted, say i'm your best friend.", "y": "you're my best friend, barney."}, {"x": "good! and as your best friend, i suggest we play a little game called... \"have you met ted?\"", "y": "wai-no, no, no. we're not playing \"have you met ted?\""}, {"x": "hi, have you met ted?.", "y": "hi, i'm ted."}, {"x": "yasmine.", "y": "it's a very pretty name."}, {"x": "boogity boo! and that's all of them! i'm goanna go... cook.", "y": "i'm so happy for marshall, i really am. i just couldn't imagine settling down right now."}, {"x": "so do you think you'll ever get married?", "y": "well maybe eventually. some fall day. possibly in central park. simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows. but--eh--no dj, people will dance. i'm not going to worry about it! damn it, why did marshall have to get engaged? yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?"}, {"x": "actually, i think it's cute.", "y": "well, you're clearly drunk one more for the lady!"}, {"x": "will you marry me?", "y": "you wanna go out sometime?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry; carl's my boyfriend", "y": "sup, carl?"}, {"x": "oh!", "y": "why am i freaking out all of a sudden? this is crazy! i'm not ready to settle down."}, {"x": "how does carl land a lebanese girl?", "y": "it's always been \"don't even think about it till you're thirty\""}, {"x": "exactly-the guy doesn't even own a suit!", "y": "plus marshall's found the love of his life. even if i was ready, which i'm not, but if i was it's like, \"okay, i'm ready! where is she?\""}, {"x": "no, no, no, no-it's okay, go on. so these, spankin's...you in pajamas or going \"naturelle\"", "y": "so what do you do?"}, {"x": "i'm a reporter for metro news 1.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "well, kind of a reporter. i do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know. like-um-monkey that can play the ukulele. i'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.", "y": "bigger like, uh, gorilla with an up-right bass? sorry, you're really pretty. oh, your friends don't seem too happy."}, {"x": "yeah, see the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight every guy is... \"the enemy\".", "y": "you know if you don't make your friend feel better you could throw a drink at my face. i don't mind."}, {"x": "she would love that! it does look fun in the movies.", "y": "hey, you wanna have dinner with me saturday night?"}, {"x": "oh, i can't. i'm going to orlando for a week on friday. some guys attempting to make a big so my news is covering it.", "y": "that's going to take a week?"}, {"x": "hey, what's taking so long?", "y": "uh, i know this is a long sh*t, but how about tomorrow night?"}, {"x": "de-wait for it-nied! denied!", "y": "we're going out tomorrow night."}, {"x": "i thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night?", "y": "yeah, i was never going to go play laser tag."}, {"x": "wow that is one bad-ass blue french horn.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "mhmm.", "y": "sort of looks like a... smurf penis."}, {"x": "how long have you been sitting there!? stupid eye patch.", "y": "mom, dad, i have found the future mrs. ted mosby! marshall, how have i always described my perfect woman?"}, {"x": "the olive theory.", "y": "the olive theory is based on my friends, marshall and lily. he hates olives, she loves them. in a weird way that's what makes them such a great couple. a perfect balance."}, {"x": "you know, i've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.", "y": "i can take them off your hands."}, {"x": "i've gotta get one of those blue french horns for over my fireplace. it's gotta be blue, it's gotta be french.", "y": "no green clarinet?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "come on, no purple tuba?"}, {"x": "um, alright. i'll be right there. i'm sorry. i had a really great time tonight.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "so? did you kiss her?", "y": "no. the moment wasn't right. look, this woman could be my future wife; i want our first kiss to be amazing."}, {"x": "aww, ted that's so sweet. so you chickened out like the little bitch.", "y": "what? i did not chicken out! you know what? i don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college."}, {"x": "hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? because playing laser tag is awesome! oh, i k*lled you connor; don't make me get your mom!", "y": "hey, listen. i need your opinion on something."}, {"x": "okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes-and suit up!", "y": "so these guys think i chickened out. what do you think?"}, {"x": "i can't believe you're still not wearing a suit!", "y": "she didn't even give me the signal."}, {"x": "what is she goanna-is she goanna bat her eyes at you in morse code?? ted kiss me-no, you just kiss her!", "y": "not if you don't get the signal."}, {"x": "but see-at least, tonight, i get to sleep knowing, marshall and me... never going to happen. you should've kissed her.", "y": "urgh, i should've kissed her. what about when she gets back from orlando?"}, {"x": "a week? that's like-a year in hot girl time. she'll forget all about you. mark my words you will never see that one again.", "y": "there she is..."}, {"x": "metro one news, back to you bill.", "y": "i'm goanna go kiss her. right now."}, {"x": "oh-dude, it's midnight. as your future lawyer i'm goanna advise you that's freakin' crazy!", "y": "i never do anything crazy! i'm always waiting for the moment! planning the moment! well she's leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment i'm goanna get! i gotta do what that guy couldn't, i gotta take the leap! okay not a perfect metaphor, for me it's fall in love and get married-for him it's... death."}, {"x": "actually, that is a perfect metaphor. by the way, did i congratulate you two?", "y": "i'm doing this."}, {"x": "we're coming with you.", "y": "...barney?"}, {"x": "look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! this is totally going in my blog!", "y": "stop the car. uh-pull over right here. i gotta do something."}, {"x": "hey, hey!", "y": "go, go, go! everybody brings flowers."}, {"x": "kiss the crap out of that girl", "y": "marshall, remember this night. when you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're goanna tell this story."}, {"x": "why does he get to be the best man? i'm your best friend!", "y": "not good, not good, not good, not good."}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "hi! i was just uh"}, {"x": "so, ted. what brings you back to brooklyn at one in the morning in a-suit.", "y": "i was just hoping to get those olives... that you said i could have."}, {"x": "would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?", "y": "are you trying to get me drunk?"}, {"x": "for starters", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "i think i like your \"olive theory\".", "y": "i think i like your french horn."}, {"x": "i think i like your nose.", "y": "i think i'm in love with you."}, {"x": "aww.", "y": "so orlando, you goanna hit disney world?"}, {"x": "you love me?", "y": "oh, god, i can't believe i said that. why did i say that? who says that? i should just go."}, {"x": "hold on. wait a minute. promised you these.", "y": "olives. thanks. i love you. what's wrong with me?"}, {"x": "hit it ranjit.", "y": "so when you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word \"psycho\"? i prefer...eccentric."}, {"x": "good night, psycho.", "y": "great umm... how do i get to the f train?"}, {"x": "oh, um-two blocks that way and take a right.", "y": "thanks. you know what?. i'm done being single. i'm not good at it. look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. but... it sucks that you can't. i'll tell you something though, if a woman-not you... just some hypothetical woman-were to bare with me through all this. i think i'd make a damn good husband. because that's the stuff i'd be good at. stuff like making her laugh and being a good father... and walking her five hypothetical dogs. being a good kisser."}, {"x": "everyone thinks they're a good kisser.", "y": "oh, i've got references."}, {"x": "good night, ted.", "y": "and i'm a good hand shaker"}, {"x": "that's a pretty great hand shake.", "y": "and that was it, probably never see her again. what?"}, {"x": "by the way, you should've kissed her.", "y": "carl!? you guys weren't there."}, {"x": "i am so turned on right now.", "y": "guys, trust me. i've seen the signal. that was not the signal."}, {"x": "to one hell of a night!", "y": "that was not the signal!"}, {"x": "i suggest we play a little game i like to call, \"have you met ted?\"", "y": "no, no, no-we're not playing \"have you met ted!\""}, {"x": "hi! have you met ted?", "y": "i think i'm in love with you."}, {"x": "so you're not goanna call her? you went from, \"i think i'm in love with you\" to \"i'm not gonna call her?\"", "y": "i wasn't in love with her, okay? i was briefly in love with the abstract idea of getting married! that had absolutely nothing to do with robin. robin!"}, {"x": "look who i ran into!", "y": "since when do you guys know each other?"}, {"x": "uh... since about here. lily recognized me from the news and hello, sailor!", "y": "they just got engaged."}, {"x": "well, i should get back to the station. see you guys. nice seeing you, ted.", "y": "yeah, you too. damn it."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i'm in love with her."}, {"x": "no! as your sponsor i will not let you relapse. you blew it; it's over-move on.", "y": "i don't know! i just have this feeling. she's the future mrs. ted mosby."}, {"x": "oops...", "y": "she wants casual. okay, i'll be casual. i'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual. you know why? cause it's a game! i wanted to skip to the end and do the \"happily ever after\" thing but you don't get there unless you play the game."}, {"x": "so're you gonna ask her out?", "y": "yeah-no! i can't ask her out, because if i ask her out i'm asking her out. so how do i ask her out, without asking her out?"}, {"x": "did you guys get high?", "y": "i got it! i don't ask her out... i invite her to our party next friday."}, {"x": "we're having a party next friday?", "y": "we are now-casual"}, {"x": "alright-so call her up!", "y": "no-calling's not casual! i just gotta bump into her somewhere. if only i knew her schedule i could arrange a \"chance\" encounter."}, {"x": "not slightly.", "y": "guys, boundaries! there she is!"}, {"x": "thanks bill, i'm reporting from the razzle dazzle supermarket on 75th in columbus", "y": "75th in columbus. game on!"}, {"x": "thanks. ted?", "y": "robin, wow! what are the odds?"}, {"x": "what are you doing here?", "y": "oh, you know, just-uh-shopping for-uh-dip i love dip... i mean i don't love dip, i like dip. as a friend, you know. so-uh-hey, you-uh-reporting a news story or something?"}, {"x": "yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine, how sweet of you to call it news.", "y": "wow, kid in a crane machine you just had to have that toy didn't ya? couldn't play the game like everyone else."}, {"x": "you're all sweaty!", "y": "cute kid um yeah it's f-it's so funny running into your we're having a party next friday if-if you like swinging by! but, you know, whatever."}, {"x": "oh, i'm going back home next weekend. it's too bad it's not tonight.", "y": "it is, it's tonight. this friday, did i say next friday? yeah-sorry-cuz i've been saying \"next friday\" all week, but yeah it's tonight. the-uh-party's tonight. but, you know, whatever."}, {"x": "hello?", "y": "hey, am i interrupting anything?"}, {"x": "no, no i'm just writing my paper. hitting the books.", "y": "yeah, well you and lily might wanna put some clothes on. we're throwing a party in two hours. okay, bye"}, {"x": "so, gatsby, what are you goanna do when robin shows up?", "y": "okay, i got it all planned out."}, {"x": "the roof.", "y": "get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest."}, {"x": "solid plan, my little friend.", "y": "we're the same height."}, {"x": "that foxy young thing you were chatting up, take her up to the roof and have sex with her! crazy monkey-style.", "y": "that's not the plan."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "yeah, but she's not robin."}, {"x": "exactly! ted, let's wrap. statistic, at every new york party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. she knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. do you see-where i'm going-hu-with this?", "y": "barney, i don't wanna say-"}, {"x": "beep, beep, beep, beep. target acquired! and now it's time we play a little game i like to call \"have you met ted?\"", "y": "no, come on not this."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "excuse me, anyone know a carlos?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "on a silver platter! bon appetite!", "y": "i don't think so."}, {"x": "sure", "y": "whoa-whoa-hey hey. i got that roof reserved!"}, {"x": "dude, robin's not coming.", "y": "hey, she's goanna show up. she'll show up."}, {"x": "i ate like four whole cans of dip!", "y": "you always know what to say old friend."}, {"x": "answer it!", "y": "no, no, no. not right away. i gotta seem casual. hello?"}, {"x": "i'm so sorry i missed your party.", "y": "who is this? merideth?"}, {"x": "robin.", "y": "oh, robin! hey, yeah, guess you never showed up did you?"}, {"x": "no i got stuck at work, but they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.", "y": "did he get to keep the purple giraffe?"}, {"x": "i wish your party was tonight.", "y": "it is the party's tonight. yeah-uh-it's a two day party. because that's just how we roll. uh-so if you wanna swing by its-uh-you know, casual. see ya. so that was robin."}, {"x": "what are you doing to me, man. i got a paper to write.", "y": "i know i'm sorry. it's terrible i'll buy more dip"}, {"x": "oh, you were so right about the roof. the roof. the roof is on fire, ted! girl from last night, took her back to my place then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple of times sent her walking-she will never find her way back and there she is. how did she get here? did you invite her?", "y": "i have no idea who that is."}, {"x": "she said she works with carlos, who's carlos?", "y": "i don't know any carlos."}, {"x": "\"sweetie\"? really? sweetie?", "y": "whoa-whoa rabbits! come on, i got that roof reserved."}, {"x": "so, it's over between me-and-works with carlos girl.", "y": "oh, that was fast."}, {"x": "thanks, bro", "y": "glad i could help."}, {"x": "sorry, ted.", "y": "great! what am i going to do when robin shows up. she'll show up."}, {"x": "i will not have sex with marshall.", "y": "it's robin. hello?"}, {"x": "hi, ted.", "y": "amanda? oh, denise-sorry you totally sounded like amanda"}, {"x": "it's robin.", "y": "oh, robin-hi."}, {"x": "i totally wanted to come; i got stuck at work again. i feel like i live there. i'm sorry i missed your party...again.", "y": "hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing mamacita. who am i?"}, {"x": "i guess there's no change your two-dayer turned into a three-dayer.", "y": "it did indeed, the party continues tonight. yeah. last night people were like, \"keep it goin' bro! party trifecta!\""}, {"x": "wow, okay-well i'll be there.", "y": "great, see you tonight. so that was robin."}, {"x": "oh, this is lame.", "y": "lame or \"casual\"?"}, {"x": "lame.", "y": "or \"casual\"?"}, {"x": "so you threw all these parties for me?", "y": "no! oh you thought that-oh, no! i c-okay yes. you got me-i-one of the reasons i threw these parties was so that i could introduce you to uh this guy. i figured, you know, since it didn't work out between us and now we can just laugh about it-anyway robin, this is."}, {"x": "ohhh.", "y": "she's still talking to carlos. i can still win this, it's not over."}, {"x": "okay, buddy, time for the \"tough-talk\". robin seems great. but let's look at the facts, you wanna get married and right now there's a million women in new york looking for exactly you, but robin ain't one of them.", "y": "she's not just \"one of them\" she's the one."}, {"x": "what are you gonna do?", "y": "nothing. it's a game, i gotta just-keep playing it."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey. carlos, can you give us a minute?"}, {"x": "hey, no sweat hombre.", "y": "robin, look i didn't invite you to this party to set you up with carlos. or the one before that. or the one before that. i threw these parties because i wanted to see you."}, {"x": "well, here i am.", "y": "there's something here, look, unless i'm crazy."}, {"x": "you're not crazy. i-i don't know, ted, i mean we barely know each other and you're looking at me with that look and it's like", "y": "like what?"}, {"x": "like-let's fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.", "y": "i'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested."}, {"x": "it's a great look. but you're looking at the wrong girl.", "y": "no, i'm not."}, {"x": "yes, you are. i don't wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together i'd feel like i'd either have to marry you or break your heart and-i just couldn't do either of those things. just like you can't turn off the way you feel.", "y": "click. off. let's make out."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "what? that was the off switch! and i turned it off. i mean sure yes, i wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, but-on the other hand... you... me...the roof."}, {"x": "there's no off switch.", "y": "there is an off switch... and it's off."}, {"x": "no, it's not.", "y": "yes, it is."}, {"x": "no...it's-not.", "y": "yes-it is no it's not. you're right, there's no off switch. god i wish there was an off switch."}, {"x": "me too.", "y": "so"}, {"x": "we could be friends", "y": "oh"}, {"x": "look, i know it sounds insincere when people say that but... we could.", "y": "i don't know, robin. i made such a jackass out of myself here, every time we start hanging out it'll be like, \"oh-that's right-i'm a jackass.\""}, {"x": "you're not a jackass. i'm sorry. i only moved here in april and i'm always working and-i just haven't met a lot of good people so far. but i understand.", "y": "well-uh-maybe in a few months after it's not so fresh, we could all-uh...you know, get a beer."}, {"x": "yeah. that sounds good. i'll see you, ted.", "y": "or, you know-now. we could all get a beer now."}, {"x": "i'd like that.", "y": "my friends are goanna love you-like you-you know, as a friend. jackass."}, {"x": "unbelievable. that is just a recipe for disaster, they work together", "y": "you jealous?"}, {"x": "i'm not sure i like her.", "y": "hey, don't you have a paper to write?"}, {"x": "dude, you're talking to the kid.", "y": "i know it."}, {"x": "you guys talking to each other? nobody's listening.", "y": "what's wrong with maclaren's?"}, {"x": "you didn't phone-five did you? i know when you don't phone-five, ted. come on, we always go to maclaren's.", "y": "yeah, cause maclaren's is fun..."}, {"x": "maclaren's is this much fun. what i'm offering is the chance to have this much fun.", "y": "see, you say that. you say it's going to be this much fun. but most of the time it ends up being this much fun. this much fun is good! it's safe. it's guaranteed!"}, {"x": "this hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?", "y": "no it doesn't."}, {"x": "i understand. get in the cab.", "y": "why can marshall say no?"}, {"x": "ted, ted, ted. right here. you keep going to the same bar, you're in a rut and i am a rut buster. i'm going to bust your rut.", "y": "it's not a rut, okay. it's a routine and i like it!"}, {"x": "ted, what's the first syllable in rutting peace out, suckers.", "y": "alright, so what's this legendary plan."}, {"x": "first we got to pick someone up at the airport.", "y": "okay, i'm outta here."}, {"x": "just this one little thing and the rest of the night is ours.", "y": "why do you have those suitcases, and who are we picking up?"}, {"x": "i don't know. maybe her? or her.", "y": "wait so when you said you were going to \"pick someone up at the airport\". you meant you were going to \"pick someone up at the airport\"."}, {"x": "scenario. couple of girls fly into town, looking for a fun weekend in nyc when they meet two handsome international business men just back from a lucrative trip to japan. sample dialogue, \"you have a wheelie bag? wh... i have a wheelie bag!\"", "y": "you've gotta be kidding me."}, {"x": "false. sidebar, tuck in your shirt. you look sketchy.", "y": "i'm sketchy?"}, {"x": "trust me, it's going to be legendary.", "y": "don't say \"legendary\", okay? you're too liberal with the word legendary."}, {"x": "oh. oh, hello!", "y": "so...uh, did you just get in from detroit? japan."}, {"x": "okay, carousel four is tapped out. ready? because i'm about to drop some knowledge. cute girls are not from buffalo. time-out. ten o'clock. you ready to rock this, tedder?", "y": "alright, um, i think we need to refine our back-story first. how did we..."}, {"x": "oh, my god. are you okay?", "y": "i... i'm so sorry."}, {"x": "it's fine, oh, you were a little shaky on your landing. i'd give you a 9.2.", "y": "so, hi... i'm ted."}, {"x": "laura. look i'm really sorry that we have to hit and run but we've got a plane to catch.", "y": "oh, where're you headed?"}, {"x": "yes, you will. follow them, tickets on me.", "y": "no, barney. don't you get on that escalator! and don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator!"}, {"x": "what's up, ted?", "y": "are you alright?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "hey, guess where i am? i'm on a... ready? plane to... ready?...philadelphia."}, {"x": "yeah, yeah, yeah... i sent you some pictures on my phone, check it. philly! admit it, you're having fun. this much fun. thirty-five thousand feet of fun!", "y": "well i didn't think we'd be on a flying to philadelphia when i woke up this morning, i'll give you that."}, {"x": "let's go talk to those girls.", "y": "whoa, whoa, whoa, the seatbelt light is on."}, {"x": "you take this one, i'll save it for the next one.", "y": "so what brings you guys to philly?"}, {"x": "isn't that great.", "y": "so great."}, {"x": "aren't they cute? they're both linebackers for the eagles.", "y": "both? both of their boyfriends are linebackers."}, {"x": "g-g-g-going to philly!", "y": "marshall, don't come to philly."}, {"x": "but we're on an adventure!", "y": "we're on a tarmac in philadelphia, crazy adventure."}, {"x": "passengers mosby and stinson? please come with us, gentlemen. keep your hands where i can see them.", "y": "barney, i am going to k*ll you."}, {"x": "this is an outrage. we are international businessmen on an international business trip. i demand you release us immediately.", "y": "you demand!? no, no, no, no, no... he does not demand. we... we... we have no demands!"}, {"x": "sir, i'm going to have to ask you to remain calm.", "y": "okay, yeah. i'm calm... i'm totally calm."}, {"x": "those bags were your responsibility.", "y": "they were your bags."}, {"x": "sir, please. we're assessing the bag situation.", "y": "look, this is all just... it's a misunderstanding."}, {"x": "believe it or not, that duff bag thing worked.", "y": "truth is, my friend... he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to philadelphia. that's it! that's all this is!"}, {"x": "nobody's that lame.", "y": "yes, he's that lame. tell them you're that lame!"}, {"x": "we are international businessmen...", "y": "oh come on!"}, {"x": "dude, seriously, relax.", "y": "we at least get to call our lawyer."}, {"x": "my lips are always like this", "y": "you had to play the race card."}, {"x": "you're free to go.", "y": "don't come to philly."}, {"x": "man, i'm almost half way there!", "y": "yeah, we just got released and we're heading back on the next flight. meet us at maclaren's maybe we can still make last call."}, {"x": "can't we just... just...", "y": "no, we can't just... we're going home!"}, {"x": "we're going to sascha's?", "y": "who the hell is sascha?"}, {"x": "sascha. she's having friends over for drinks at her house. it's goanna be legen... wait for it...and i hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cuz the second half of that word is... dairy.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "legendary, that sounds awesome!", "y": "no, marshall, we're going back."}, {"x": "marshall, we're going to sascha's!", "y": "no, we're not."}, {"x": "hmm... i bet nobody in history has ever licked the liberty bell! if someone were to pull that off i dare say it would be... what's the word?", "y": "well, this is my stop."}, {"x": "legendary, ted, legendary!", "y": "barney, i'm going to the airport. sascha, thank you... and uh... tell your grandpa i'm sorry i walked in on him in the bathroom."}, {"x": "could have licked the liberty bell.", "y": "we're going to the airport."}, {"x": "bong, bong...", "y": "why do i hang out with you? why? all i wanted was to have a regular beer, in a regular bar with my regular friends, in my regular city!"}, {"x": "ted, ted... you're not even looking.", "y": "no, i'm not."}, {"x": "thanks, leonard. ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson!", "y": "look, i don't need you to teach me how to live, okay. i know how to live. if you want to go lick the liberty bell just go lick it yourself."}, {"x": "no, it has to be the two of us.", "y": "why? why do you need me?"}, {"x": "because, you're my best friend, alright? you don't have to tell me i'm yours. but the way i see it, we're a team. without you, i'm just the dynamic uno. you know what, fine. if you wanna go home... then we'll go home.", "y": "fine...we'll go lick the liberty bell!"}, {"x": "good, 'cuz we're here!", "y": "i had no idea how barney redirected the cab without me knowing, but we got out, dana let us in and by god we licked the liberty bell. and you know what it tastes like?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "freedom... no actually it tasted like pennies."}, {"x": "nice shirt!", "y": "right? right?"}, {"x": "hot top, bro, is it new?", "y": "that's the crazy part. i've had this shirt for, like, six years... until this morning i wasn't into it at all, but now it's like my tastes have changed."}, {"x": "booger.", "y": "yes, hello, barney."}, {"x": "of course not, because now you're saying \"nipple\" and it's a hundred! step into my web.", "y": "mmm... who's bourbon is this?"}, {"x": "ooh, i don't know. it was here when we sat down.", "y": "aaah, point is. i seem to like bourbon now. i could have sworn i hated bourbon. first the shirt, now bourbon. i spent twenty-seven years making up my mind about things, right? the movie i saw once in haden, the city i'll never go back to because it was raining the day i visited. maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions..."}, {"x": "you're finally gonna watch \"goonies again? slow love, chuck\".", "y": "not goonies, girls. what if there's someone from my past, who i thought was wrong for me at the time, but in fact she, like my shirt, is actually a perfect fit?"}, {"x": "that's not a bad idea. let's think, ted's greatest hits... what about that girl, steph?", "y": "steph..."}, {"x": "okay, this is difficult to say, back when i lived in la, i was pretty broke, so i spent a month making adult films.", "y": "wow, okay... how many did you make?"}, {"x": "what about that chick...um...jackie?", "y": "and my bathing suit had fallen completely off."}, {"x": "i know the feeling, once... when i was sixteen, i was driving, and i hit this hitchhiker. don't know what happened to him... just kept drivin'!", "y": "uh...no."}, {"x": "who's natalie?", "y": "man, i haven't seen her in like three years!"}, {"x": "well why'd you guys break up?", "y": "i just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time, of course now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad... maybe i should call her? what do you guys think?"}, {"x": "baby's going to think about it.", "y": "found it! i found natalie's number."}, {"x": "hey, ted. nice shirt! is it yesterday already?", "y": "thank you. i am calling her; this is crazy i haven't talked to her in, like, three years. i wonder if she even remembers me."}, {"x": "hello?", "y": "natalie, its ted mosby."}, {"x": "go to hell.", "y": "she remembers me."}, {"x": "why would natalie hang up on you?", "y": "i don't know!"}, {"x": "did you sleep with her sister?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "sleep with her mom?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "uh-huh.", "y": "and her birthday might have been coming up."}, {"x": "uh-huh...", "y": "okay, so i didn't wanna get a boyfriend level gift for a girl i was just about to break up with."}, {"x": "so you dumped her right before her birthday?", "y": "no, i didn't dump her... right before her birthday."}, {"x": "never...break...up...with...a...girl...on...her...birthday!", "y": "lily wait, the shirt! i know, it was a mistake!"}, {"x": "well, did she cry her eyes out?", "y": "i don't know."}, {"x": "desperate \"please-don't-leave-me\" sex is amazing.", "y": "okay, it was childish and stupid, i just...i didn't want to see her cry."}, {"x": "well guess what? she cried! you just didn't have the sack to face those tears.", "y": "that was me then, okay? this is the new old shirt-wearing, sack-having ted. i'm gonna make this right."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, great job on that one. new york loves you. you're a superstar, bye-bye.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "i have an idea. why don't you leave a message?", "y": "good one. okay, fine. i'm just going to leave this sock monkey here goodbye."}, {"x": "oh!", "y": "okay, okay... i... look, look. i know you're mad. happy birthday three years ago."}, {"x": "oh yeah? up yours... three years ago", "y": "no, look... i was an idiot for leaving that message. i realize how much that sucked."}, {"x": "no you don't.", "y": "maybe we should just, call it a day? but you're awesome. okay, bye."}, {"x": "surprise...", "y": "there was a surprise party that night? how come nobody told me? people think i can't keep a secret but i totally can! sorry, not the issue... look, natalie, i was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment."}, {"x": "and i suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down?", "y": "well, yeah, actually. i'm a different guy now. give me another chance."}, {"x": "you must think i have absolutely no self respect.", "y": "come on... just a cup of coffee. please natalie. give the guy a chance. self respect is over-rated!"}, {"x": "wow. maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level.", "y": "thanks. i did just start subscribing to esquire. they have some helpful columns. the following, is from the october issue."}, {"x": "well i better run, i have my krav maga class in half an hour.", "y": "krav maga, how cool is it that she does krav maga?"}, {"x": "thanks honey.", "y": "hmm..."}, {"x": "dude, what's krav maga?", "y": "i have no idea. some kind of yoga?"}, {"x": "yeah, ted, hold on to that one.", "y": "yeah, i have to break up with her."}, {"x": "i don't get it, man, natalie is awesome.", "y": "i know, she's terrific, but i have to break up with her."}, {"x": "why... couldn't... you... leave... that... poor... girl... alone?", "y": "i know! i hate this. these past three weeks have been great. i should be in love with her, but i'm not feeling that thing. it's ineffable."}, {"x": "she's probably on the subway by now. you could call her voice mail. beep, dumped. click. done!", "y": "i have to do this face-to-face. i just... i don't know what i'm going to say!"}, {"x": "better. there's no better in breaking up. there's only less awful. a clich\u00e9's a clich\u00e9 for a reason. it's comforting.", "y": "it doesn't matter, i already told her i am ready for a commitment, so... oh, my god... there's no way out... i'm going to have to marry her."}, {"x": "ted, what is the truth? why do you want to break up with her?", "y": "the truth? she's not the one."}, {"x": "why? what is so horrible about that?", "y": "yeah, what is so horrible about that?...\"she's not the one.\" why is that such a heart-breaking thing to hear? the chances of one person being another person's \"the one\" are like six billion to one."}, {"x": "yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.", "y": "exactly, you wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery."}, {"x": "yeah, and he's going to sit there and he's going to take it like a man.", "y": "i have to do the mature thing."}, {"x": "just write it down for me. what do i care, it's not like anyone's watching anyway, right?", "y": "man, she's gonna cry."}, {"x": "slow loves junk", "y": "thanks, lil."}, {"x": "oh wait, wait. there's something i have to say first. today at work, i had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes, so tonight; can we just skip the cake?", "y": "today is your birthday?"}, {"x": "yeah, no that's okay... i wasn't telling anyone about it.", "y": "today's your birthday! i... i didn't get you anything."}, {"x": "oh, it's okay. you know you've already given me the best present of all. i can trust again.", "y": "you're welcome. oh, so much more wine."}, {"x": "so, if you ever come to alabama, my mom throws these huge crawfish boils and she's just dying to meet you, by the way.", "y": "look, natalie, there's something i have to say and there's no good way to say it. i wanna break up. i don't think you're the one for me. i don't want to waste your time because i really like you. i wanna do right by you, and i think the best way to do that is just to be honest. i'm sorry. just let it out. they're only tears. aah!"}, {"x": "i'm not the one for you?", "y": "i'm sorry. i just thought the mature thing to do would be..."}, {"x": "it's my birthday!", "y": "yes, i know i didn't realize that it was..."}, {"x": "it's my birthday and you're telling me i'm not the one for you?", "y": "it's really not such a big deal. i mean it's the odds. it's like you lost the lottery."}, {"x": "oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?", "y": "no, no, no. i didn't mean that."}, {"x": "okay, so what's the problem?", "y": "it's... i can't explain it."}, {"x": "try!", "y": "it's... ineffable."}, {"x": "i'm not \"f-able\"?", "y": "no, no, no, no. ineffable, ineffable means it can't be explained."}, {"x": "oh, so i'm stupid?", "y": "oh, god what's going on?"}, {"x": "okay, \"what's going on\" is, you broke my heart over my answering machine... on my birthday, waited three years for me to get over you. tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again only so you could dump me three weeks later. again on my birthday!", "y": "no, it's... it's not like that. i'm just... it's, it's, it's."}, {"x": "whaaat!?", "y": "i'm just like super busy right now."}, {"x": "what happened to you?", "y": "told the truth, turns out the truth has a mean round house kick."}, {"x": "oh, well you did the right thing. i'm proud of you.", "y": "i'm bleeding internally."}, {"x": "are you okay?", "y": "i really thought i was going the good way this time. i guess there is no good way. sometimes no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, you just end up flat on your back flailing around in a big pile of horse crap!"}, {"x": "you saw it?", "y": "it's going against the internet now! it's okay, grow up."}, {"x": "say you're my bitch.", "y": "i'm your bitch. why this time?"}, {"x": "\"okay\"!? awesome!!", "y": "what's going on, did i just have a stroke?"}, {"x": "\"okay\" is the name of a club. yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive. this friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, he couldn't get in.", "y": "a friend of yours named you?"}, {"x": "yeah, well the owner goes to my gym. it turns out that he is a fan of my reporting for metro news one. so now, i'm on the list for tonight.", "y": "nice going, scherbatsky. you're becoming a long and difficult-to-spell household name."}, {"x": "i like wine. i like tasting. you know i can party, let's do it. let's rock it, maturity style!", "y": "ever since then she's been signing him up for book clubs, cooking classes..."}, {"x": "all the things you do when you know where the next ten thousand lays are coming from.", "y": "so, no. lily and marshall will not be doing this."}, {"x": "got it. anyway, ted, part two of my story my friend kelly's going to be there.", "y": "kelly, who supposedly i'm gonna love?"}, {"x": "oh, and she's totally hot.", "y": "okay, i guess i can take her off your hands for an evening."}, {"x": "oh, no, ted, your blazer!", "y": "what, what, what...?"}, {"x": "somebody spilled gorgeous all over it. love it!", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "one of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. you really never read my blog, do you?", "y": "alright, tin-man. let's hit it."}, {"x": "wow, who knew being committed in a heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.", "y": "alright, cool kids are leaving now. grandma, grandpa... don't wait up."}, {"x": "my, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. alright, hookup strategy, colon, find a cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine.", "y": "do strategies ever work for you?"}, {"x": "i don't know guys. it's not awkward unless we let it be awkward.", "y": "this place seems great. is kelly here?"}, {"x": "yeah, she's around somewhere. let's go find her, i'll introduce you guys. then i should probably dock into the vip room, so stupid and arbitrary isn't it, who get's to be in vip and who doesn't?", "y": "can we come?"}, {"x": "it's... not that arbitrary...", "y": "whoa... this place in lourd!"}, {"x": "there's kelly.", "y": "you want to go somewhere we can talk?"}, {"x": "totally!", "y": "...okay..."}, {"x": "robin scherbastky? robin scherbatsky!", "y": "so, how do you know robin?"}, {"x": "sagittarius.", "y": "is that near westchester?"}, {"x": "\"34\".", "y": "\"14\"?"}, {"x": "\"34\"", "y": "\"7\"?"}, {"x": "you shoulda snuck in with brian affleck.", "y": "i'm bailing, see ya."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "nice eyes. cute smile. out of your league."}, {"x": "no, no, no. coat wench, i like it. i should get a sign made of it.", "y": "what are you doing here? lily let you go?"}, {"x": "lily? pfft. who cares right?", "y": "you are so dead."}, {"x": "oh, i'm so dead.", "y": "wow. uh... i'm going home."}, {"x": "aah! i put my ass and probably other parts of my body on the line to party with my bro. now damn it, we're gonna party.", "y": "alright, one beer."}, {"x": "aaaggggghhhhhhhhh!!", "y": "come on, let's go."}, {"x": "know something; i'd take a pee in the gutter over julia roberts any day.", "y": "there's barney. i'm leaving."}, {"x": "rough night?", "y": "yeah, these clubs are supposed to be fun, right? why do i hate them so much?"}, {"x": "because all of the stuff you're supposed to like... usually sucks. like these clubs or cruises.", "y": "or new year's eve."}, {"x": "or the super bowl.", "y": "or parades."}, {"x": "the rockettes.", "y": "or parades."}, {"x": "you said that already.", "y": "i really hate parades."}, {"x": "yeah, see, everyone keeps telling you something is supposed to be fun, it's usually not.", "y": "right."}, {"x": "right!", "y": "so, by that logic, if you and i were to, say, go out on a date."}, {"x": "then we couldn't go anywhere that's supposed to be fun.", "y": "right. the dmv it is."}, {"x": "then we'll get our teeth cleaned.", "y": "sounds awful, it's a date."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "but there's still one big question that needs to be answered."}, {"x": "barney??", "y": "barney."}, {"x": "ted, bring your coat, we're leaving.", "y": "what? what happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?"}, {"x": "that was my cousin, leslie.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "no, no, no... we are not laughing about this, ted. this is not going to be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months. it's not gonna be like, \"hey, remember that time when you were grinding with... no! and you know why? because, italics, this night did not happen. and you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another soul what transpired here tonight. you promise. promise", "y": "alright, i promise. let's get marshall and go, okay. hey. thanks for saving my night. i'll talk to you soon? umm, hey... tip her, barney."}, {"x": "why, i didn't check a coat. and even if i did, on principle tip jars have become so...", "y": "funny story, barney was grinding with this girl all night..."}, {"x": "fine! just... eh.", "y": "that's a handy new trick."}, {"x": "hey, ted, you'll never guess what happened?", "y": "your costumes came."}, {"x": "hey, ted, what are you doing for halloween?", "y": "well."}, {"x": "every halloween ted waits for the slutty pumpkin.", "y": "that's right."}, {"x": "what's the slutty pumpkin?", "y": "you mean, who is the slutty pumpkin? it was four years ago."}, {"x": "wait, how can a pumpkin costume be sexy?", "y": "it was carved in strategic places."}, {"x": "a cocktail she invented herself.", "y": "and she..."}, {"x": "because it tastes like an alcoholic tootsie roll.", "y": "hey, can i please tell this story? so we had this instant connection. she gave me her number, but then something..."}, {"x": "something went terribly wrong.", "y": "guys! something went terribly wrong."}, {"x": "happy halloween.", "y": "sonny, where's cher?"}, {"x": "right here, babe.", "y": "i just met the perfect woman. she's funny. she's beautiful. she loves star wars."}, {"x": "whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. what's her take on ewoks?", "y": "loves them."}, {"x": "oh good. i don't know why people are so cynical about ewoks. the rebellion would have failed without the ewoks.", "y": "get this, she's a marine biologist. she spent a year in antarctica studying penguins."}, {"x": "oh, penguins are cool, kinda like black and white ewoks. i approve.", "y": "hey, where's my, uh, kit kat? i put it right here on this table."}, {"x": "i don't know, but we have plenty of chocolate here.", "y": "no no no, you don't understand. i need that kit kat. she wrote her number on that wrapper. where is it?"}, {"x": "uh-oh.", "y": "hey, dracula. come on. give me your candy. gimme!"}, {"x": "you know, ted, it's been four years. she could be engaged or married or, god forbid, fat.", "y": "i don't know, i got a feeling. this could be the year. halloween is a night of wonder and magic."}, {"x": "oh, on the off chance that that could happen, maybe we should stop calling her the slutty pumpkin.", "y": "can't wait."}, {"x": "so, what do you think?", "y": "wow! marshall, you wearing eye liner?"}, {"x": "first prize, $50 gift certificate at the bar.", "y": "and how much did you pay for your costumes?"}, {"x": "each.", "y": "well, i think you guys look great."}, {"x": "what are you going as? oh, like i even have to ask.", "y": "hey, i want the slutty pumpkin to recognize me and she knows me as a hanging chad."}, {"x": "again?", "y": "where are you going?"}, {"x": "no, no, not again. not this year. you're going as my wingman. flight suit up!", "y": "no thanks. i'm sticking with the hanging chad."}, {"x": "oh you're dangerous, maverick. your ego's writing check your body can't cash. ok. here's the plan, and i crap you not. i'm getting us into the victoria's secret halloween party. trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.", "y": "we can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year. tonight, i'm going up to the roof, i'm gonna have a few beers, i'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin. that's just what i do."}, {"x": "hm, victoria's secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or yale preppies reuniting their stupid a capella group. what's that left hand? right hand sucks? word.", "y": "i'm heading up to the roof."}, {"x": "hey, chad, how's it hanging?", "y": "hey, word play. funny."}, {"x": "i can't believe you talked me into this.", "y": "i didn't. you followed me up here."}, {"x": "there are six chicks here.", "y": "relax, the night is young. it's gonna get better."}, {"x": "let's bail.", "y": "oh, barney, come on, i'm having fun. it's really great seeing these guys again."}, {"x": "name one person you know at this party.", "y": "well, there's ninja, back of horse. where's front of horse? that guys a riot. where is he?"}, {"x": "ok, i'm leaving, but just know that this victoria's secret party is on a yacht. and what will be sticking to that yacht? the barnacle.", "y": "really? that's the nickname now?"}, {"x": "yeah, the barnacle.", "y": "the barnacle."}, {"x": "that's it. barnacle out.", "y": "have fun, barnacle."}, {"x": "i can share dessert. he better want the brownie sundae, but yeah, yeah, i can totally share.", "y": "barney. what, you're back?"}, {"x": "that's right.", "y": "in a totally new costume."}, {"x": "what's with the face?", "y": "it's half you're pathetic, half i have to pee."}, {"x": "so go to the bathroom.", "y": "no, there's a huge line. i don't want to miss the slutty pumpkin."}, {"x": "ok victoria's secret party right now.", "y": "nope."}, {"x": "come on, i can't stand to watching my delusional friend waste another precious halloween. the slutty pumpkin is not coming.", "y": "she might."}, {"x": "oy.", "y": "come on, barney, this is not about the odds, this is about believing. this girl, she represents something to me, i don't know, hope."}, {"x": "wow. i did not understand a word you just said. lingerie models on a boat!", "y": "see ya."}, {"x": "and then just when i was about to lose hope.", "y": "she spent a year in antarctica studying penguins."}, {"x": "kahlua, root beer, could this penguin be the slutty pumpkin?", "y": "uh, excuse me, this is gonna sound crazy, but i met someone up on this roof four years ago and they mixed that cocktail and they loved penguins. by any chance, was that you? it's you. i was crazy but i can't..."}, {"x": "you are such a loser. come on, i came back for you, ted. i penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. and to score hula girl's number. check and check.", "y": "unbelievable."}, {"x": "but how will you know it's me? i'm a master of disguise. yeah.", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "come on, ted, victoria's secret party now. let's go.", "y": "i'm staying."}, {"x": "fine. fine.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "are you guys ok? marshall another round and back it up for me and lily.", "y": "what happened?"}, {"x": "oh my god.", "y": "what was it?"}, {"x": "we're signing up.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. that's a perfect cocktail. shake well, then sleep with.", "y": "i'm not going to a matchmaker. that's like giving up. it's the man version of getting a cat."}, {"x": "ted, hurry, you gotta help me. my boat is sinking.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "my boat is sinking.", "y": "you have a boat?"}, {"x": "you i can work with. you give me three days and i will find the woman you will marry.", "y": "ah, no thanks. i don't need an algorithm to meet women. it's new york city. you know, plenty of fish in the sea."}, {"x": "plenty of fish in the sea. yes, there's 9 million people in new york, 4.5 million women. of course you wanna meet someone roughly your own age, let's say, plus minus 5 years. so if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000. but, uh, wait", "y": "that can't be right. eight? really, eight?"}, {"x": "there are 8 fish in that big, blue ocean, ted. and if you feel confident that you can reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.", "y": "do you take credit cards?"}, {"x": "and it's pissed.", "y": "dude, is everything ok? you left the front door open."}, {"x": "so love solutions, did you meet the love of your life?", "y": "she said it'd take three days. it's been five days. should i be worried?"}, {"x": "oh, just play it cool. don't ted out about it.", "y": "did you just use my name as a verb?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. ted-out to overthink. also see ted-up. ted-up to overthink something with disastrous results. sample sentence billy tedded up when", "y": "ok, i get it. don't worry, i'm not gonna ted anything up or out. i'll just give it a few more days."}, {"x": "ted, hi. i meant to call you. the computer is still crunching the numbers. busy as a bee, that little computer.", "y": "you said it was gonna be three days."}, {"x": "did i?", "y": "hm."}, {"x": "three days? really?", "y": "yeah. when someone says you're gonna meet the perfect woman in three days, you gotta put that in your datebook, so..."}, {"x": "how do i say this? this is gonna be really hard. ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you. phew, actually i got through that ok.", "y": "there are no women for me out there? i thought you said there were 8."}, {"x": "i know. there are supposed to be. i don't know where they are.", "y": "but, i'm an architect. and you said i'm cute. i'm a cute architect."}, {"x": "how do you think i feel? i have a 100% success rate. it's my hook. i could probably find somebody for you if you were gay.", "y": "well, i'm not."}, {"x": "a little bi maybe?", "y": "no. you're messing with me, right?"}, {"x": "i cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher, and look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6...", "y": "there's a 9.6 right there."}, {"x": "don't touch the computer. yes, sarah o'brien. i fixed her up six months ago. she would have been absolutely perfect for you.", "y": "what about the guy you set her up with? is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?"}, {"x": "8.5.", "y": "so he sucks."}, {"x": "no, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.", "y": "oh, sure, it's good. it's solid. but a 9.6?"}, {"x": "don't make it sound ridiculous. it's a cockamouse.", "y": "my god, this is incredible. we're like the same person. sarah o'brien loves brunch."}, {"x": "it's diet is not unlike our own, grains, cereals and it's awfully fond of cheese...", "y": "ok, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. she hates phonies. i totally hate phonies too. she's a dermatologist. i have skin."}, {"x": "you wanna be her boyfriend. she already has a boyfriend. it's uncanny.", "y": "all right, but it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right? see what my 9.6 looks like in person, as, you know, a frame of reference. and if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am i to deny her that?"}, {"x": "that's right, i did the math.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "hi, i'm dr. o'brien.", "y": "i'm architect mosby. sorry i just wanted to say my job too."}, {"x": "so, what are we doing today?", "y": "i have a kind of mole on my back. it's probably nothing but i'm a cautious guy."}, {"x": "i'm exactly the same.", "y": "summer breeze makes me feel fine, blowing through the jasmine in my mind."}, {"x": "blowing through the jasmine in my mind.", "y": "sorry about that, summer breeze is my guilty pleasure song."}, {"x": "i love brunch.", "y": "it's the best, as long as i don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies."}, {"x": "i like the way you think, architect mosby.", "y": "hey, this may sound weird but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off so i'm gonna ask you now. do you wanna have dinner with me saturday night?"}, {"x": "oh, that's very sweet, but i'm actually getting married on saturday.", "y": "friday night?"}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "i'm really sorry i asked you out. if just felt like there might be this weird connection between us. how crazy am i coming off here?"}, {"x": "only a little.", "y": "well, by some million to one sh*t, and i'm not rooting for this, you wind up not getting married this weekend, give me a call."}, {"x": "ok, but it's not likely. i look damn good in my dress.", "y": "i'm sure you do."}, {"x": "my friend, you just poked the bear.", "y": "so, my 9.6, beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged."}, {"x": "oh, ted, i'm so sorry.", "y": "yeah, it was a long sh*t. i told her to call me anyway if she changes her mine, but i don't know..."}, {"x": "oh, hey, ted, there's a message on the machine for you. dr. o'brien.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "the doctor will see you now.", "y": "what should i do? i should totally go down there, right?"}, {"x": "don't interfere. some guy is expecting to marry this woman on saturday.", "y": "yeah, an 8.5 guy. look, if i was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it, i'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so."}, {"x": "happy ending.", "y": "look, i have to go down there. i don't know what's gonna happen when i get there but i have to give it a sh*t."}, {"x": "wait, no no. they'll do lab experiments on it. that's so mean. shouldn't we just b*at it to death with a bat?", "y": "hello again."}, {"x": "i'm glad you came down. i would prefer to say this to you in person.", "y": "go ahead, sarah, you can tell me anything."}, {"x": "you have a basal cell carcinoma.", "y": "anything else?"}, {"x": "your mole. the biopsy came back. it's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.", "y": "wait, then you're still getting married."}, {"x": "of course i'm still getting married.", "y": "but we're a 9.6."}, {"x": "excuse me.", "y": "ok, i, i went to love solutions and i saw on ellen pierce's computer that you and i are a 9.6. your fiance's only an 8.5."}, {"x": "you looked at my file.", "y": "i had to. you're my only match. aren't you even a little curious? the woman who set you up with your fianc\u00e9 thinks we're a better match."}, {"x": "i am getting married on saturday.", "y": "summer breeze..."}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?"}, {"x": "don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?", "y": "see, we're both impulsive. we're perfect for each other."}, {"x": "ted, just calm down.", "y": "calm down! you're my only match! there was a computer and there were 8 fish in the sea full of lesbians."}, {"x": "ted, ted, do you honestly believe deep down that there is no one else out there for you just because some computer says so.", "y": "didn't used to. there was math, i got confused."}, {"x": "love isn't a science. you can't calculate a feeling. when you fall in love with someone, 8.5 equals a perfect 10.", "y": "you're right."}, {"x": "and me making the coffee. i had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. we called it shocky", "y": "plugging in."}, {"x": "not anymore.", "y": "no way. you're making this up."}, {"x": "my apartment is a chinese restaurant. what am i gonna do?", "y": "come live with us."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "you sure about this, ted?", "y": "yeah. i mean, you basically live here anyway. it's not like it'll change anything."}, {"x": "no, it's like it'll change everything. oh, ted, you are so screwed.", "y": "what? what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "because i look good. now focus, you and marshall are roommates. you have an amazing apartment. marshall and lily just got engaged", "y": "yeah, so?"}, {"x": "come on, barney, i'm sure they've talked about who gets the apartment. you talked about who gets the apartment, right?", "y": "yeah, we've talked about it."}, {"x": "so, when lily and i get married, who's gonna get the apartment?", "y": "oh, that's a tough one. you know who i think could handle a problem like that?"}, {"x": "who?", "y": "future ted and future marshall."}, {"x": "totally. let's let those guys handle it.", "y": "dammit past ted"}, {"x": "you blew it, dude. now that lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. they're edging you out.", "y": "that's crazy. they're not edging me out. marshall's my best friend."}, {"x": "sort of on a date with her.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i found her online. i'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. i'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who i can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. but this girl, she wants the same stuff and it's bumming me out. all right, ted, call me from the hospital.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "you're going to the hospital?", "y": "no, see, he's gonna go back over there and i'm gonna call him and he's gonna pretend that it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital."}, {"x": "so, are you gonna talk to marshall?", "y": "he's gonna want the apartment. i'm gonna want the apartment. it's gonna lead to an argument, so no."}, {"x": "hm, that's real healthy. so, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it.", "y": "i should really make this call."}, {"x": "see you guys later.", "y": "ah, this'll be nice, the three of us living together. i think it's a good setup."}, {"x": "really? i always thought shocky's coffee tasted kinda rusty.", "y": "yeah, no, it did. i mean, i kinda liked the rusty taste. i'm used to it. i don't know."}, {"x": "also lily's coffeemaker doesn't, you know, shock you.", "y": "no. you gotta admit, that shock, wakes you up in the morning"}, {"x": "you know what else wakes you up in the morning? coffee.", "y": "that's great. you're right. roomies! i love it."}, {"x": "yeah, she got you a nice new coffeemaker. how dare she!", "y": "it's not just the coffeemaker."}, {"x": "that is great.", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "i don't know. um, over the piano?", "y": "yeah, that would be a good place for it. too bad the swords are there. we kinda love those swords."}, {"x": "well, those swords have been up there a long time.", "y": "i know, right? i'd really miss them too. so, maybe marshall's room?"}, {"x": "ok.", "y": "he was gonna take the swords down. can you believe that?"}, {"x": "healthy communication? that's the worst idea ever. look, you held off their first advance. that's good. now it's time to counter-strike.", "y": "yeah, well, what am i supposed to do?"}, {"x": "you gotta mark your territory, and i don't mean missing the toilet. you gotta do something big.", "y": "what, like buy a new sofa?"}, {"x": "your english phone booth arrived.", "y": "oh, awesome. it's great, right?"}, {"x": "yeah, i guess. just not sure if lily's gonna like it.", "y": "well, i like it, so i'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool."}, {"x": "of course, we all live here so we should all be able to have things the way we want them.", "y": "exactly."}, {"x": "you like the phone booth. it stays. i like this painting so i'm just gonna hang it...right here on the wall.", "y": "oh, so it's like that, is it?"}, {"x": "yeah, it's like that.", "y": "i want this apartment."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "all right marshall, we're deciding right now who gets this apartment. it may lead to an argument, but we're settling this."}, {"x": "or we could flip a coin.", "y": "yeah, let's flip a coin."}, {"x": "flip it.", "y": "ok, i'm flipping it, here i go."}, {"x": "flip it.", "y": "ok, here i go."}, {"x": "flip it.", "y": "i'm flipping. but before i do, i just wanna say something. you didn't even wanna move in here in the first place. you said a pre-w*r building was bad for your allergies."}, {"x": "that was five years ago. now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter. oh snap. what else you got?", "y": "ok, i'm flipping. heads or tails."}, {"x": "you don't need two rooms", "y": "heads or tails, marshall. like you need two rooms?"}, {"x": "we might be starting a family soon.", "y": "oh, no you're not. there's no way you're having a baby while you're in law school. it's gonna be at least three years."}, {"x": "it could be sooner, we're not that careful with our birth control two-zip.", "y": "oh, come on, you know damn well i move out that room's going unused."}, {"x": "oh, and i suppose you'll get a new roommate? who's it gonna be? barney? you know he cooks naked.", "y": "yeah, well, at least barney wouldn't take the swords down."}, {"x": "my fianc\u00e9...suddenly, she's my fianc\u00e9.", "y": "i deserve this apartment, marshall."}, {"x": "no more than i do.", "y": "great, so let's flip for it."}, {"x": "flip it.", "y": "so, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment?"}, {"x": "i guess so.", "y": "how are we doing this exactly? is this like to the death?"}, {"x": "we should probably figure that out.", "y": "it's ok, it's ok."}, {"x": "that this is kinda awesome?", "y": "totally."}, {"x": "i can't believe we didn't do this before.", "y": "i know!"}, {"x": "that was awesome.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "do it again.", "y": "ok, but this time, jump up and i'll swipe your legs."}, {"x": "oh, boo-freakin-hoo.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "woe is me. i'm not married yet. my ovaries are shrinking. ted, if you wanted to be married by now you would be but you're not. and you know why? because you're irrationally picky. you're easily distracted and you're utterly anhedonic.", "y": "anhedonic?"}, {"x": "anhedonic. it means you can't enjoy anything.", "y": "the hell i can't. i'm enjoying this."}, {"x": "hey, i'm sorry i took the swords down.", "y": "that's ok, it led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it?"}, {"x": "you remember when we first got these swords?", "y": "it was the day we moved in."}, {"x": "list of lifelong dreams, you're not half as long. crap. i'm missing one of the screws for this table", "y": "just use this wood glue, it'll hold."}, {"x": "i stabbed lily. i stabbed my fianc\u00e9.", "y": "come on, marshall, do you really think she's still your fianc\u00e9? i'm kidding. hey, i think you guys should have the apartment. marshall but you fought so bravely for it."}, {"x": "but you're totally...", "y": "just let him have this one."}, {"x": "you're right. i'm sorry. we were fighting to see who gets the apartment. and i won.", "y": "uh, you didn't win. i gave it to you."}, {"x": "i will too. we're not getting married for like a year.", "y": "yeah, that's future marshall's problem. let that guy deal with it."}, {"x": "how much did you guys drink last night?", "y": "not how much? what."}, {"x": "it's like thanksgiving in my mouth.", "y": "you want a good holiday drink, try his kwanzaapolitan."}, {"x": "baby, we're holding up the shuttle, do you have everything you need? toothbrush, pajamas, underpants. underpants.", "y": "so, lil, marshall's family. whole weekend with the future in-laws, you excited?"}, {"x": "but, yeah, no, it'll be great.", "y": "you just did it again."}, {"x": "wait, so you're not going home for thanksgiving.", "y": "no, i have to work on friday. you?"}, {"x": "i'm canadian, remember? we celebrate thanksgiving in october.", "y": "oh, right, i forgot you guys are weird. you pronounce the word out, \"oat\""}, {"x": "you guys are the world's leader in handgun v*olence, your healthcare system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.", "y": "your cops are called mounties."}, {"x": "so, probably hanging out with barney then?", "y": "no, barney's got his own thanksgiving tradition."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, native american.", "y": "i think i'm gonna go to a homeless shelter, serve food."}, {"x": "that's awesome.", "y": "yeah, i thought i'd just spend the day giving back, you know, doing some good."}, {"x": "canceling out barney.", "y": "exactly."}, {"x": "this is gonna be great.", "y": "i know. i'm so psyched we did this. look at all these people, giving up their thanksgiving to help their fellow man. these have got to be the best people in new york."}, {"x": "excuse me, guys. coming through.", "y": "barney?"}, {"x": "well, hi guys.", "y": "what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "oh, just the lord's work.", "y": "but you're satan."}, {"x": "i'm on it.", "y": "wait, so, this is real. barney does this?"}, {"x": "that's because i was trained by the best, kendall.", "y": "anyway, uh, we're psyched to be here, kendall. what do you need us to do?"}, {"x": "yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. then you requested a high-five with your foot.", "y": "hey, barn? what do you say you let us sub in for you, scoop stuffing for a little bit?"}, {"x": "twins. twins!", "y": "this is crazy. when did it get so hard to do charity work?"}, {"x": "i do charity work all the time. remember when i said i'd find you a girlfriend.", "y": "ha ha. delightful. how is that little project coming along anyway?"}, {"x": "i'm working on it. i'm gonna introduce you to that girl you've been staring at.", "y": "what? that's crazy, i haven't been staring at any girl..."}, {"x": "have you met ted?", "y": "hi, i'm the aforementioned ted, and this is..."}, {"x": "i'm amanda.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "so, what do you do here, ted?", "y": "well, i've been...nothing. i do nothing."}, {"x": "oh, um, i'm not his girlfriend. i used to be but, um, i just wasn't enough woman for ted, emotionally or sexually. oh my god.", "y": "so, amanda, what do you need us to do?"}, {"x": "ok, this is important. go through all these boxes of food donations, take out the really good stuff and put it into this box.", "y": "got it. consider it sorted."}, {"x": "hey, we're in business.", "y": "hey, barney's not gonna get all the glory today."}, {"x": "what? it is. and we grew up just fine. and we grew to the proper size and then we stopped.", "y": "hey, amanda, what's this box for?"}, {"x": "oh, that's for me. you can put it in my car.", "y": "in your car, um, then you'll take it..."}, {"x": "home? we get so much extra food, no one can eat it all. oh, truffle oil. score.", "y": "people donated this food thinking it was going to feed the hungry."}, {"x": "yeah, right. thanks.", "y": "barney."}, {"x": "yeah, what's up?", "y": "you have a time sheet. no one else has a time sheet."}, {"x": "yeah, so.", "y": "all right, let me see that."}, {"x": "that's my private personal business!", "y": "court-mandated community service."}, {"x": "i was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church.", "y": "you peed on a church?"}, {"x": "i peed in an alley which happened to have a church which i did not see because i was drunk.", "y": "oh, you are evil."}, {"x": "when's the last time either of you did any good? huh?", "y": "kendall, ah, kendall, amanda is stealing portobello mushrooms from homeless people."}, {"x": "amanda! i called dibs on the portobello mushrooms.", "y": "those are for the hungry."}, {"x": "i hold it.", "y": "you can't fire a volunteer."}, {"x": "volunteer of the year!", "y": "i'm sorry, i'm sorry. ok, look, if there's anything i can do to make it up to you, just tell me, i'll do it."}, {"x": "right? i told you so.", "y": "public urination. who gets arrested for public urination?"}, {"x": "ted. are you listening? you're a good guy.", "y": "you wanna know why i have to work tomorrow? my firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company. in the fight against cancer, i'm on the side of cancer."}, {"x": "ok, ted, i found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. this is walter, and walter is homeless. and walter would like a lap dance.", "y": "are you joking?"}, {"x": "i never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment.", "y": "no, barney, that's insane. sir, would you like me to buy you a ticket to the buffet."}, {"x": "you said you wanted to see the joy in someone's eyes.", "y": "you know, i don't think i'm gonna watch."}, {"x": "thank you so much. no really, thank you.", "y": "happy thanksgiving, guys."}, {"x": "hey, i saw what you did for that guy? it was really sweet. do you wanna dance?", "y": "uh, no thanks. you want some yams?"}, {"x": "no thanks. i'm amber.", "y": "i'm ted."}, {"x": "actually, i'm tracy.", "y": "still ted."}, {"x": "wow. thanks, carl.", "y": "we're not really doing sh*ts, are we?"}, {"x": "well, i should go get dressed.", "y": "where are you going, buddy? hot date?"}, {"x": "lily, i told you not to call him that.", "y": "wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?"}, {"x": "he's not a billionaire. he's a hundred millionaire. why do people always round up?", "y": "so, uh, where's thurston howell taking you?"}, {"x": "well, i'm gonna be late. you guys have fun. bye.", "y": "see ya."}, {"x": "you ok?", "y": "sure, why?"}, {"x": "i don't know. girl of your dreams dating a billionaire.", "y": "ok, first of all, hundred millionaire. and second, she's not the girl of my dreams. we're just friend. look, it would not be smart if we got together. i mean, i'm looking to settle down. she's looking for..."}, {"x": "what? you done? great. check out table number four. see that little hottie on the end. she's short but has an ample bosom. i love it. she's like half-boob. let's go.", "y": "yeah, and say what? what's our big opening line?"}, {"x": "daddy's home.", "y": "daddy's home?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "you want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, 'daddy's home.' really think about that, barney."}, {"x": "ok, well, i'll get back to you.", "y": "oh, daddy's back. see, if you'd taken a moment to think about that..."}, {"x": "then daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit father's day card from amy, huh?", "y": "that worked. i hate the world."}, {"x": "totally.", "y": "so, i think a lot. i happen to have a very powerful brain. it can't be helped."}, {"x": "ted, i believe you and i met for a reason. it's like the universe was saying, hey, barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome. your brain screws you up, ted. it gets in the way. it happened with robin, it happened with half-boob. and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style.", "y": "so, what? you want me to do a sh*t."}, {"x": "oooh, more interesting.", "y": "barney, i think you've officially..."}, {"x": "drink, drink, drink, drink...", "y": "ah, lily, will you tell these guys how stupid they're being?"}, {"x": "yes! drink, drink, drink...", "y": "let me tell you something about this brain, ok?"}, {"x": "drink! drink, drink...", "y": "even alcohol cannot stop this brain."}, {"x": "drink, drink, drink...", "y": "this brain, dear mortals, is no ordinary brain."}, {"x": "drink, drink, drink, drink...", "y": "this is a superbrain."}, {"x": "and who was this girl in my bed?", "y": "ok, what the hell happened last night?"}, {"x": "and how did you guys like the sh*ts?", "y": "i drank all five, bitch."}, {"x": "i love drunk ted.", "y": "marshall thinks you're a vampire."}, {"x": "no....dammit.", "y": "how quickly you all forget. i haven't puked since high school. i am vomit-free since ninety-three. vomit free since ninety-three. that's funny. i'm funny."}, {"x": "who are you calling?", "y": "robin."}, {"x": "say what?!", "y": "hello robin, it's ted."}, {"x": "oh hi ted.", "y": "hello robin, it's ted."}, {"x": "hi ted. sounds like you're having fun.", "y": "robin, have i ever told you that i'm vomit-free since ninety-three?"}, {"x": "listen, ted, i can't really talk right... '93? dude, that's impressive.", "y": "i don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. you should be on 60 minutes. you should be one of the minutes."}, {"x": "that's sweet and odd. but i'm kinda on a date right now.", "y": "yeah, and i disagree with barney. just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put out. take it slow, robin, take it slow. slow."}, {"x": "bye ted.", "y": "slow."}, {"x": "friends don't let friends drink and dial.", "y": "i need that phone back."}, {"x": "ding, class dismissed. here you go, kid, you call whoever you want.", "y": "thank you kind sir. at least someone appreciates the fact that i'm doing and not thinking. and now i don't think i won't not go to the bathroom."}, {"x": "hello again, ted.", "y": "hey, it's me again."}, {"x": "and we love you, drunk ted.", "y": "i'm a fool again."}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "well, that explains the ankle."}, {"x": "and then we brought you home and put you to bed.", "y": "was there anyone else in there with me?"}, {"x": "there's a girl in there.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "and a pineapple.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "who is she?", "y": "i don't know."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "why are you sleeping in our tub?"}, {"x": "oh, you put ted to bed all right.", "y": "you guys take care of me. you guys are the best. i love you guys so much."}, {"x": "love you too, buddy.", "y": "i'm back baby doll!"}, {"x": "all right, game face on. carl, two more. all right, all right, what do we think of this one?", "y": "i think...."}, {"x": "ehhh! trick question, no thinking. you know what time it is? it's do o'clock. let's ride.", "y": "bring it."}, {"x": "you're calling robin.", "y": "i'm calling robin."}, {"x": "ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, i forbid you from calling her.", "y": "oh yeah? what you gonna do?"}, {"x": "if you complete that call, i will set your coat on fire.", "y": "you're bluffing."}, {"x": "ted!", "y": "you set me on fire."}, {"x": "real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. you got robbed, this is a blend.", "y": "you set me on fire. and who's the girl in my bed?"}, {"x": "who is she?", "y": "i have no idea."}, {"x": "nice.", "y": "you really don't know who that is?"}, {"x": "no, after i hosed you down with a beverage g*n, i brought you back here.", "y": "i better not have gotten b*rned."}, {"x": "hi, i'm ted, if lost, please call...who's number is that?", "y": "i don't know."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "uh, hi, who is this?"}, {"x": "you called me, who's this?", "y": "it's ted."}, {"x": "and then carl filled us in.", "y": "barney, you've always taken care of me. you are a gentleman and a scholar. go into my stable and take my finest stallion. he's yours, his name is windjammer."}, {"x": "sleep it off, bra.", "y": "i'm back, baby doll! ted and i am gonna throw up."}, {"x": "this way, if you pass out in the gutter...", "y": "that tickles."}, {"x": "someone will call me and i will come get you.", "y": "thanks carl. we can't just be friends, we're attracted to each other and we both know it."}, {"x": "excuse me?", "y": "me and robin. me and robin, i have to make one more call."}, {"x": "yeah, this'll go good.", "y": "hey, it's me again. look, who are we kidding? you and i are both attracted to each other. we're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. and we only get one life, so shy don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together? really? great. wait, really? great."}, {"x": "all right, right over here.", "y": "still, what does this mean? are we dating now? i mean, i never pictured it going down this way, but maybe that's how it had to happen. i mean, think about it..."}, {"x": "you know who might have something to say about ted's future with robin? robin. go wake her up.", "y": "wake her up and say what?"}, {"x": "good luck buddy.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "ted, it's robin.", "y": "are you sure?"}, {"x": "ask her about the pineapple.", "y": "yeah, sure, come on over."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "no, wait, don't, no."}, {"x": "ladies.", "y": "i love everyone in this bar."}, {"x": "he's kinda cute.", "y": "what are you doing in the men's room? what am i doing in the ladies' room? oh right, i came in here 'cause i thought i was gonna throw up."}, {"x": "did you?", "y": "i did not."}, {"x": "i liked your performance.", "y": "what? the karaoke? domo arigato."}, {"x": "i wish i had your guts, getting up and making a complete idiot of myself.", "y": "do it."}, {"x": "i don't know. still, i've had a pretty serious week. i could sure stand to do something stupid.", "y": "i'm something stupid, do me."}, {"x": "you're funny.", "y": "hey, can i call you sometime? trudy ok."}, {"x": "then i guess you're gonna have to call me.", "y": "i need to make one more call."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "hey, it's me again."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "look, who are we kidding? you and i are both attracted to each other. we're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. and we only get one life."}, {"x": "dammit, trudy, what about the pineapple? sorry.", "y": "uh, robin's here. um, look, trudy, i need you to hide in my bedroom."}, {"x": "why, is that your girlfriend?", "y": "no, that's not my girlfriend. look, it's complicated."}, {"x": "you're married. yeah, i can't believe i did this.", "y": "no, i'm not married. um, i'll explain after you hide."}, {"x": "top of the morning.", "y": "um, sorry i kept calling you like that. i was very drunk."}, {"x": "i'm good.", "y": "come on, those calls weren't that weird."}, {"x": "that goes on for three-and a half minutes.", "y": "without a breath? that's gotta be some kind of record."}, {"x": "ted, you can't do this. please, we're to be friends and now you're making it all confusing.", "y": "no i'm not. look, i just turned off my brain for the night. nothing's changed, you've moved on, i've moved on."}, {"x": "really, you moved on?", "y": "yes. what, you don't believe me?"}, {"x": "wait, you were with someone last night? ted yeah, trudy, she's cool.", "y": "trudy, come on out."}, {"x": "hi trudy, i'm robin. it's nice to meet you. you're right, she is shy.", "y": "i'm not making this up. she must have climbed out the fire escape."}, {"x": "yes, you did, last night.", "y": "really? well."}, {"x": "oh, man, ted, this is great.", "y": "okay, people, let's talk strategy. last new years, we went our separate ways, and it sucked. this year we party together or not at all. now, i sifted through your party submission and i narrowed them down to these five."}, {"x": "question?", "y": "yes, barney, your submissions were received and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "we will hit all five parties before midnight, and then narrow them down to one, the most awesome party in new york city and that is where we will ring, nay rock, in the new year."}, {"x": "mary beth?", "y": "oh, she works in my office. she seems like she might be into me. she's always finding reasons to hug me. so tonight..."}, {"x": "it's working.", "y": "i am definitely getting psyched."}, {"x": "let's do this!", "y": "yes! let's! oh, driver?"}, {"x": "how do you guys know each other?", "y": "oh, we rode in his cab one time. it's a long story."}, {"x": "bye.", "y": "see ya next year. go get 'em."}, {"x": "well, this kind of sucks.", "y": "okay, nobody get down. we knew this going in. we're a man down. that just means we're gonna have to party that much harder. ranjit! party number one."}, {"x": "i can't believe we're leaving a party that had pigs in blankets. if you think we can b*at that, you got some brass ones.", "y": "hey, we've got four more parties to hit. if party number one turns out to be the best, we'll just limo on back to it."}, {"x": "oh, no.", "y": "so, barney, who's your new friend?"}, {"x": "okay, i love these shoes, but the pain-to-hotness ratio is pretty steep. can we swing by the apartment, so i can change?", "y": "come on, lily, we have a tightly scheduled evening of awesomeness ahead of us. i need you to power through the pain."}, {"x": "it's true. i can hear them. what's that, little boys? what's that? you wanna go for a... rock?", "y": "ranjit! party number two."}, {"x": "party number two.", "y": "party number two? not so good."}, {"x": "let's go back to party number one.", "y": "no, no turning back. ranjit, party number three."}, {"x": "oh, very nice, lily. you know, she is a guest in this country. so while you may chose to turn your back on her, i choose to turn my front on her. what up?", "y": "i'm sorry about barney."}, {"x": "no, i'm having a great time. i'm really glad that you asked me out tonight.", "y": "me, too. hey, robin."}, {"x": "ted, derek stood me up.", "y": "ranjit, turn it around."}, {"x": "oh, god, i'm so sorry about this. you guys had your schedule and i screwed it all up.", "y": "no, this is perfect. it's meant to be. we're all back together."}, {"x": "my finger slipped.", "y": "look, robin, you're not going home. come on, it's new year's eve. look, so your date fell through. so what? what do you need a date for? someone to kiss at midnight? fine. i'll kiss you at... a little bit after midnight."}, {"x": "you're friendly. i haven't eaten dinner yet. is there anything to eat in this thing?", "y": "that's it. i know what you're jonesing for. ranjit, take us to gray's papaya!"}, {"x": "you don't know what you're missing.", "y": "come on, it's only a 20-minute detour."}, {"x": "i'm going home.", "y": "what? no!"}, {"x": "hell of a woman. let's go get some hot dogs!", "y": "ranjit, party number three."}, {"x": "oh, yeah! look at us. riding around in a limo. eating hot dogs. it's like we're the president.", "y": "hey. i'll bet you're feeling better now."}, {"x": "guys. is that moby? i think that that's moby.", "y": "no way."}, {"x": "that's totally moby. that's awesome.", "y": "should i say something? i should say something, right? moby! hey, moby!"}, {"x": "oh, my god. he's coming over. everybody be cool. everybody be cool.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "what's up? uh, you, uh, going somewhere?"}, {"x": "yeah, i'm just going to this party downtown.", "y": "you want a ride?"}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "welcome."}, {"x": "you guys want to come?", "y": "yeah, we'd love to."}, {"x": "uh, ted. sidebar?", "y": "um... moby, switch up, will you? yeah, what's up?"}, {"x": "what about lily?", "y": "call her."}, {"x": "i've been trying to call her. i can't get through. all the circuits are jammed.", "y": "that's new year's eve for you. well, look, we'll just swing by moby's party and then afterwards..."}, {"x": "no, i-i can't. lily's waiting. i gotta... i gotta find her. okay, i'll meet you at party number three.", "y": "but... come on! moby's party! moby's party! moby's par... ranjit. moby's party."}, {"x": "so then i say, \"your motorcycle was like that when i got here.\"", "y": "you're not moby, are you?"}, {"x": "i thought you said \"tony.\"", "y": "so your name is tony?"}, {"x": "no. oh, hey, we're here. all right. you guys going to come in?", "y": "nah."}, {"x": "why did we think that guy was moby?", "y": "i don't know. i see a short bald hipster, my mind goes straight to moby."}, {"x": "moby?! she's upstairs.", "y": "lily, you have to get out of there this instant. that's not moby."}, {"x": "uh, no, i know moby and that's mo... does he have a g*n?", "y": "run! oh, my god, not moby's party is party number four. what are the odds?"}, {"x": "well, we know it's not moby and it's not tony.", "y": "ranjit, drive!"}, {"x": "where to?", "y": "party number three!"}, {"x": "no, but i was just at party number three.", "y": "no, no, no, no you were at party number four. you must have looked at the list wrong."}, {"x": "well, after that rather unpsyching experience, you know what it's time for? it's time to... what? that's right, re-psych. re-psy... where's the...? oh, my god! not moby took my \"get psyched\" mix!", "y": "barney, barney, barney, it's not worth it! let it go. we need to get back on schedule."}, {"x": "ah, nuts.", "y": "ranjit, are you sure i can't help?"}, {"x": "no. i am pissed. ted, i don't want you to see me pissed.", "y": "okay okay, not a problem. he'll jack it up, slap on a tire and we'll be at party number three in no time."}, {"x": "*darling, you give love a bad name, bad name!*", "y": "it'll be fine. we'll be out of here in a jiff."}, {"x": "ted, i'm going to head out. my roommates are having a party not far from here.", "y": "no. look, i know this night isn't turning out the way i planned, but..."}, {"x": "how long have you been in love with robin?", "y": "i'm not in love... we're just friends. where are you getting that from?"}, {"x": "ted, it's okay. i'm fine. and i can tell that she's into you, too.", "y": "that's ridiculous. wait. really?"}, {"x": "i can't believe mary beth left before midnight.", "y": "oh, she just had to make an appearance at this other party. it's no big deal."}, {"x": "okay, wow, it's getting weird in here. i'm going to call marshall.", "y": "but he left his phone."}, {"x": "i'm sorry about your girl.", "y": "sorry about your guy."}, {"x": "well, at least we both have someone to kiss at midnight. did you forget about our little deal? because i did not.", "y": "i did not, too."}, {"x": "derek. hi. how's work?", "y": "i'll give you some privacy."}, {"x": "marshall!", "y": "okay, how's this for a plan? we start walking now, we get to party number three by 1245. we celebrate the new year in central standard time."}, {"x": "give it a rest, ted.", "y": "give what a rest?"}, {"x": "marshall!", "y": "come on, come on, we can still turn this thing around. we've still got ten minutes."}, {"x": "lily!", "y": "holy crap."}, {"x": "i knew i'd catch up with you guys eventually. so much to tell. i couldn't find lily at party number three so i walked... i walked to the next party on the list.", "y": "not moby's party?"}, {"x": "i tried, baby. all the circuits were jammed. but wait, there's more. after party number four, i figured you guys went to party number five. and so i went there, too, and it is awesome. i want to cry, it is so awesome. we have to go there.", "y": "how? we'll never get a cab."}, {"x": "the flat's fixed.", "y": "let's do this! come on! in! go, go, go!"}, {"x": "i didn't want to awake her. she looked so peaceful.", "y": "party number five is 20 blocks away and all the way across town. ranjit, can you get us there in eight minutes?"}, {"x": "when you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation. will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? what it's really asking is where do you see yourself in three months? sitting next to your girlfriend or hitting on a bridesmaid? i always checked that i was bringing a guest. i was an optimist.", "y": "who the hell am i gonna bring to this wedding?"}, {"x": "you don't bring a date to a wedding. that's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. oh ted, oh ted, no, no date.", "y": "deer carcass, really? that's the metaphor you're going for?"}, {"x": "ted, it's a simile.", "y": "well, it's too late now. if i don't bring a date, a $200 piece of chicken-slash-salmon will go uneaten. i gotta bring someone, but who?"}, {"x": "thanks, i feel a lot better. think i'll get that drink now.", "y": "ok, guys, i gotta say something. i think my feelings for robin may be resurfacing."}, {"x": "not again. come on, dude, we all know how this movie ends. ted falls in love. love kicks ted in the sprouts. roll credits.", "y": "no, you guys just have to look at the whole picture. fact."}, {"x": "seriously, claudia and stuart?! i mean, i've hooked up with the odd lass who was beneath my level of attractiveness, but, you know, i was drunk. there's no way claudia has been drunk for three years.", "y": "you know, i've always found that the best way to get over a failed relationship is to celebrate someone else's successful one."}, {"x": "well, makes sense.", "y": "so, with that mind, our friends claudia and stuart are having this crazy, black-tie wedding on saturday. you wanna be my 'plus one'?"}, {"x": "your date? i'd love to. um, how fancy are we talking about here?", "y": "oh, you're gonna wanna bring your a game."}, {"x": "bye babe.", "y": "whoa, did you see how fired up she was? i don't know, there's something there. and come saturday, a little music, a little dancing, a lot of champagne. who knows? barney wow, ted, you're gonna have to find another gender for yourself 'cause i'm revoking your dude membership."}, {"x": "i know now that life is never that simple.", "y": "hey, claudia!"}, {"x": "yes, i want tahitian vanilla. you wrote it down wrong? no no no no no, listen to me. if i go to my wedding and the cake is not tahitian vanilla, i will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground. do you wanna find out if i'm kidding? good-bye.", "y": "hey, how's it going? claudia my wedding's in two days, that's how it's going."}, {"x": "you should be, lots of single girls.", "y": "oh, well, yeah, i'm bringing a date, so i'll be off the market."}, {"x": "you're not bringing a date.", "y": "uh, yes i am."}, {"x": "uh, no you're not.", "y": "i checked 'plus one'."}, {"x": "no you didn't.", "y": "claudia, i'm pretty sure i checked..."}, {"x": "ted, you did not check 'plus one', you are not bringing a date to my wedding.", "y": "but i already invited someone."}, {"x": "you are not bringing a guest, ted. the guest list has been closed for months. months!", "y": "but i checked 'plus one'. i always check 'plus one'."}, {"x": "you absolutely did not check 'plus one'. if you had checked 'plus one', i would have called you to get the name of your guest so i could get the guest cards printed up. did i call you to get the name of your guest? is there a place card with her name card printed on it?", "y": "she doesn't need a place card, she knows her name."}, {"x": "what's she eating? you ordered the chicken, what did she order? do you see how your story is full of holes?", "y": "come on, claudia, we go way back. isn't there room for just one more person?"}, {"x": "don't make me hurt you ted.", "y": "i don't believe this, claudia is crazy."}, {"x": "but to be fair, she's also hot.", "y": "i totally checked 'plus one', i'm sure i did."}, {"x": "yeah, right.", "y": "i did."}, {"x": "yeah, i don't think you did. you know why? because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date. see, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you're single. it's your default setting. ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?", "y": "oh great, here comes the 'little barney' speech."}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "please stop. i gotta call claudia. if i just explain to her..."}, {"x": "ted, no. let it go. she's about to get married. she's got enough to worry about.", "y": "then what am i gonna do?"}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey, listen."}, {"x": "wait, two things. first of all, i've been laying groundwork all afternoon, totally subtle, totally cool, not pushing, not even nudging. just the theme of today is ted rocks. and she's picking up on it lying down.", "y": "lily's there's a problem."}, {"x": "i think i brought it.", "y": "wow."}, {"x": "that's what i was going for. i'm so excited about tomorrow. we're gonna have so much fun.", "y": "yeah, about that."}, {"x": "so, the dress?", "y": "i don't have a 'plus one' for the wedding."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i ran into claudia and she told me i didn't check 'plus one' on the reply card."}, {"x": "why didn't you check 'plus...", "y": "i did check 'plus one'."}, {"x": "but robin is so excited.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "and the dress.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "oh. ok, ok, we'll, we'll sneak her in.", "y": "we can't sneak her in, we're not ninjas."}, {"x": "i wish we were ninjas.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "you can always ask stuart.", "y": "can i do that?"}, {"x": "sure, you guys have been friends for a long time, and it's 40% his wedding too.", "y": "oh, it's gonna be a tough sell."}, {"x": "dude, no problem whatsoever.", "y": "really? stuart sure, the more the merrier."}, {"x": "yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, this morning at the rehearsal, claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore. so, don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.", "y": "yeah, she's not usually like that."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "well, thanks, stu, it's gonna be a great wedding."}, {"x": "like you could possibly know that.", "y": "i did it. i did it. i'm taking her to the wedding."}, {"x": "what? how?", "y": "i talked to stuart."}, {"x": "sure, there's plenty of room in the woods.", "y": "it's claudia."}, {"x": "so, it begins.", "y": "come on, it can't be that bad."}, {"x": "what? why?", "y": "because this whole thing was your idea. and claudia scares me."}, {"x": "they broke up.", "y": "ow!"}, {"x": "uh-huh, uh-huh.", "y": "it's not because of me, is it?"}, {"x": "my dad already paid for this huge wedding. he's gonna k*ll me. he's gonna k*ll ted, then i'm gonna k*ll ted.", "y": "it's robin."}, {"x": "answer it.", "y": "uh, lily's phone."}, {"x": "ted. where's lily? i need to tell her about these awesome shoes i just bought.", "y": "uh, lily's busy."}, {"x": "oh, ok, well i just wanted to say they're gorgeous and ted's gonna love them.", "y": "that's great. i'll tell lily to tell me. uh, listen, i really wanna keep talking but now's not a good time so, um, i'm really excited about tomorrow. ok, bye."}, {"x": "bye-bye.", "y": "crap, she bought some expensive shoes. she's really looking forward to this. do you think she's into me?"}, {"x": "ok, meet me at maclaren's. i'll see you there.", "y": "i feel terrible."}, {"x": "well, feel terrible later. right now, we gotta fix this. lily, you go down to the bar and comfort claudia. ted and i will go and try to talk some sense into stuart.", "y": "tell claudia i'm sorry. did she seem pissed at me?"}, {"x": "she said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000.", "y": "let's say we get these crazy kids back together."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "stuart, i don't know what to say. if i caused this in any way..."}, {"x": "you know, i'll see some super-hot model chick and i'll think, \"why am i with claudia? i can be with her.\"", "y": "that's crazy. i mean, you're the luckiest...you and claudia both..."}, {"x": "the point is, i wanna get married, i wanna settle down. but right now, that's just not who i am. i'm not a commitment guy, i'm a single guy.", "y": "stuart, you don't have to be one or the other. everybody feels this way sometimes."}, {"x": "how would you know, you're not even married?", "y": "ok, ask this guy. nine years he's been with lily. he's the pro. this guy knows relationships. tell him, marshall."}, {"x": "stuart, don't get married.", "y": "dude."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. being in a couple is hard and committing, making sacrifices, it's hard. but if it's the right person, then it's easy. looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. and if it's not like that, then she's not the one. i'm sorry.", "y": "you know i don't have $400,000, right?"}, {"x": "he made me realize how much i love you. these guys got us back together.", "y": "so, where did we land on the whole 'plus one' thing?"}, {"x": "wow yourself. look who else brought it.", "y": "oh yeah, i thought about leaving it at home, but i figured i don't wanna get there and realize i need it and have to go all the way back to get it, so, yeah, i brought it."}, {"x": "really? like, anchor anchor? what happened to sandy? ok, ok, sure, what time do you need me to...right now! oh.", "y": "do it. do it."}, {"x": "hey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?", "y": "i had the most amazing night ever."}, {"x": "say what?", "y": "lily."}, {"x": "i should tell you, i have a rule. i never hook up at weddings.", "y": "i'm guessing you haven't always had this rule."}, {"x": "well, here's the thing. those big romantic moments, they're great when they happen, but they're not real.", "y": "exactly. exactly, like, like just now, when i saw you doing the chicken dance out there, i'm not gonna lie to you, big time thunderbolt."}, {"x": "you should see me tap-dance. you'd be down on bended knee.", "y": "sadly not out of character. but i know now it's just a mirage."}, {"x": "wedding goggles.", "y": "exactly. and that, in a nutshell, is why i'm not putting the moves on you."}, {"x": "this isn't the moves?", "y": "what, you think this is the moves? believe me, you'd know the moves. people ten tables away would know the moves."}, {"x": "that's too bad.", "y": "tell me about it."}, {"x": "you know, i think i have a solution.", "y": "interested."}, {"x": "and, to preface this, we're not going to sleep together tonight.", "y": "less interested."}, {"x": "ok. so the thing that always screws it up is the next day, right? so, why don't we just cut that part out.", "y": "what are you saying?"}, {"x": "i'm saying, i'm here, you're here, and this is a big, romantic wedding. why don't we just dance and have a great time and then when it's over, never see each other again.", "y": "unless..."}, {"x": "no, no unless. no emails, no phone numbers, not even names. tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished. and then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this night and it'll be perfect.", "y": "wow. ok, i'm in."}, {"x": "ok.", "y": "i guess, what, we'll need fake names?"}, {"x": "um, you can call me buttercup.", "y": "pleased to meet you, buttercup. i'm lando calrissian."}, {"x": "ted, ted, ted, look, i got a bridesmaid, ted, look, look, ted, the second hottest bridesmaid, ted, look. see ya ted.", "y": "so, i'm ted."}, {"x": "victoria. but no last names.", "y": "no last names."}, {"x": "dude, that is just like... a weenie ass idea.", "y": "no, it was awesome. i had a great night, i'm never gonna see her again, and there's no way to ruin it."}, {"x": "ted, how do i explain this to you? last night i had the best cake of my life. you think i'm gonna let that cake out of my life? hell, no. i'm gonna find out what bakery made that cake and then i'm gonna get some more cake.", "y": "that cake really got to you, huh?"}, {"x": "so, what happened next?", "y": "mm-hm."}, {"x": "let's do all the single ladies in this joint a big favor and steal the bouquet.", "y": "yes, but we'll need a diversion."}, {"x": "so, that's what happened to the bouquet. you know, good for victoria. it's such an evil tradition.", "y": "you're not gonna do it at your wedding?"}, {"x": "so, where did you guys go?", "y": "very nice."}, {"x": "ok, i don't really know how to tap-dance.", "y": "i couldn't really tell."}, {"x": "oh, if i wanted some, i could get some.", "y": "no you couldn't."}, {"x": "you're a dude. i could totally...", "y": "totally get some."}, {"x": "if we kiss, all of this becomes real. you, you might use too much tongue, or not use enough and then suddenly, poof, spell's broken.", "y": "i will use exactly the right amount of tongue."}, {"x": "ok, how about this? the best part of any first-kiss is the lead-up to it, the moment right before the lips touch. it's like a big drumroll. so, how about, tonight, we just stick with the drumroll.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "but we can't kiss.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "oh, ted, you're such a doof. i mean, this girl sounds amazing.", "y": "she was completely amazing. she was amazing and funny and we connected on every level. and, i'm never gonna see her again."}, {"x": "so, let's get to work, man. what else do you know about her?", "y": "nothing. her name's victoria, that's all i got. wait, claudia, claudia would know."}, {"x": "well, claudia's on her honeymoon. she'll be back in two weeks. call her then.", "y": "yes, two weeks, good idea. i'm calling her now."}, {"x": "24 hours ago, you were begging, begging me to bring some other girl to my wedding, and now, what, you're over her?", "y": "i've moved on."}, {"x": "what was her name? was it my fat cousin, lindsay? don't be embarrassed. she has pretty eyes.", "y": "uh, no, her name was victoria, i don't know her last name."}, {"x": "well, lucky for you, i know that guest list backwards and forwards.", "y": "thank god."}, {"x": "unlucky for you, there was no victoria at my wedding. good-bye, ted.", "y": "there was no victoria at the wedding."}, {"x": "maybe she was a ghost. that's why she didn't wanna kiss you, because you'd just pass right through her and feel really cold for a second. oh my god, i just had a great idea for a screenplay.", "y": "marshall. she was not a ghost."}, {"x": "i know that she wasn't a ghost, she picked up a bouquet, proving she had corporeal form.", "y": "wait, wait, wait, she was sitting across from a couple of bridesmaids. she must have been at their table. maybe they know who she was?"}, {"x": "ow. i know the house rules. es un chiste.", "y": "uh, listen, barney, i saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night. did you happen to get her phone number?"}, {"x": "you know i did.", "y": "great. i'm gonna need you to call her for me."}, {"x": "you know i won't.", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "ted going all castrati over another girl is exactly not a good cause. sorry, buddy, i wish i could help you, my hands are tied. oh no, wait, that was last night.", "y": "ok, barney, i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. you make this call and i will go with you to foxy boxing."}, {"x": "but you always said that foxy boxing girls were neither foxy nor good at boxing.", "y": "i'm ready to be proven wrong."}, {"x": "tanya, he's a dude. he's not gonna know what kind of shoes she was wearing.", "y": "actually."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "so, what do you want to do next?"}, {"x": "uh...", "y": "don't think...first thing that comes into your mind."}, {"x": "hold this.", "y": "whoa. there she goes."}, {"x": "sorry, ted, i won't be able to make foxy boxing tonight.", "y": "i understand."}, {"x": "or ictor. probably doesn't go by ictor.", "y": "no, you know what? this is fate. i am never supposed to see this girl again. that was the whole point of the night. i've just been saved from myself. let's drink many beers."}, {"x": "hi, guys,", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "um, ted, can i talk to you outside for a second?", "y": "sure. what's up?"}, {"x": "uh, i, i have to tell you something.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "oh, just get it.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "have helped me realize that sometimes i can act like a crazy person. and i don't want my new husband to think i'm a crazy person.", "y": "it's fine, claudia. don't worry about it."}, {"x": "i made the cake.", "y": "she made the cake."}, {"x": "she made that cake. ted, this is the girl. you gotta marry her, today. she has to move in with us.", "y": "i'm going down to that bakery."}, {"x": "baby, what are you talking about?!", "y": "yeah, all day long, you've been busting my apple bag about finding this girl."}, {"x": "well, i just think that maybe she's not that into you and that's why she didn't give you her number. robin, care to chime in with anything? robin yes. ted. go get her.", "y": "going. getting."}, {"x": "ted, oh my gosh, i love this moment. you know why? because i'm gonna say it and this time you're actually gonna say yes. you ready? you ready to say yes? ted, suit up!", "y": "yes! no."}, {"x": "oh come on!", "y": "whoa. guess we were gone a while."}, {"x": "well, that's too bad. i was looking forward to one last dance.", "y": "why yes i am. sorry, i could tell what you were just thinking."}, {"x": "wow, what was i thinking?", "y": "damn, he's looking mighty fine in that tux."}, {"x": "you got me, you are good.", "y": "you know, i don't look like this every day. on a real weekend, the real ted wears a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt with bleach stains on it."}, {"x": "ted, you still with us?", "y": "tell me your last name."}, {"x": "what's that?", "y": "i'm gonna go home tonight with a lot of great memories and one really sucky memory the memory of you walking out that door."}, {"x": "hey, ted.", "y": "yeah?"}, {"x": "close your eyes, and count to five.", "y": "one, two, three, four, five."}, {"x": "the meter's running, dude. crap or get off the pot.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "good morning.", "y": "hey, guys."}, {"x": "thank you!", "y": "i wish you could stay."}, {"x": "i know, me, too. but i have to go to work, and you have that meeting.", "y": "call you afterwards?"}, {"x": "i'll inappropriately text you during. bye.", "y": "bye."}, {"x": "come on, give us a number. lily guessed eight, but i know my boy got to double digits.", "y": "zero."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "guys, we just met. and we both screwed up relationships in the past by jumping in too quick, so we talked about it, and we decided to take this one slow."}, {"x": "her idea.", "y": "totally her idea! but, i don't know, i'm really into this girl, and if going slow is what it takes to make this happen, i say bring it on."}, {"x": "i can't believe she's making you wait a whole month. i would never put up with that.", "y": "you've only had sex with one girl in your whole life."}, {"x": "good news i don't have to cover the cat show tomorrow night. who's up for hanging out?", "y": "oh, i can't, i'm taking victoria out for dinner."}, {"x": "so... one more week and it'll be a month.", "y": "really? are you sure? wow, that snuck up on me."}, {"x": "oh, come on.", "y": "the 18th can't get here fast enough."}, {"x": "wait, the 18th? oh, crap! i can't believe i forgot this... i'm going to be out of town on the 18th!", "y": "oh. well, um, we can just... wait until you get back. i mean, the whole point was not to rush into this."}, {"x": "yeah. or we could do it tonight.", "y": "75th and amsterdam."}, {"x": "yeah, for 89 bucks a night, we're doing it. i would like to propose a toast. to the most awesomely mellow anniversary ever.", "y": "i'm so glad you have to go to your parents' next weekend."}, {"x": "i think this may be a perfect moment. i wish we could hold onto it forever.", "y": "no. because the beauty of a moment is that it's fleeting. by its very nature, it... slips through our fingers... making it that much more precious."}, {"x": "looks like they're about to have theirs.", "y": "should we take this to the bedroom?"}, {"x": "no! do her! do her now!", "y": "sure. good luck with that. sorry about that."}, {"x": "how about a little more wine?", "y": "i'll get another bottle."}, {"x": "ted, i can't wait any longer.", "y": "should we move to the bedroom?"}, {"x": "ted, so now that things with you and victoria are going pretty well, i assume you're over all the girls you were into before, right? i take your silence as a yes, so say i were to hook up with someone, say robin, you'd be cool with that, right?", "y": "sure. good luck with that."}, {"x": "i'm going to go get another round.", "y": "okay, i want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. barney, i actually like victoria... a lot, so don't say anything embarrass... don't say anything. and guys, i haven't exactly told victoria that i used to have a kind of thing for robin, so we you could just avoid the..."}, {"x": "well, well, well. how rich. you make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. excuse me.hi. leg warehouse? yeah, my friend ted needs something to stand on. so, nothing for him to stand on? okay, and thanks so much. ted, doesn't victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for robin? i have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return.", "y": "no. i-i swore you to secrecy on that."}, {"x": "ooh, i am smelling dirt. what is the story of the re-return?", "y": "nothing. it's nothing. and speaking of digging up dirt, can i count on you two to behave around victoria?"}, {"x": "us? what would we do?", "y": "look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that i still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from. however, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?"}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "three! you got autobiography. now, that's where you have to answer a personal question about your dating life truthfully in order to move on.", "y": "marshall, come on."}, {"x": "hey, she's the one who rolled a three. victoria, \"have you ever cheated while in a relationship?\" wow, good question.", "y": "you don't have to answer that."}, {"x": "okay, robin, your roll. five! another autobiography... for the player to your left, which... victoria!", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "victoria, \"how many boyfriends did you have before you started dating ted?\"", "y": "wait, the card actually says \"ted?\""}, {"x": "give it to me, give it, give me...", "y": "play the tape, play it, play it!"}, {"x": "did you try his cell phone?", "y": "yeah, i left two messages. i checked the cigar club, the lusty leopard. he's off the grid."}, {"x": "barney, where have you been?", "y": "yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that."}, {"x": "she never showed?", "y": "so, what happened next?"}, {"x": "well, we're not quitting just 'cause ted's so far ahead.", "y": "i was winning?"}, {"x": "not the slipping-in-horse-poop story!", "y": "yeah, we all know that one."}, {"x": "oh my god!", "y": "wow, wow!"}, {"x": "now we all got to drink.", "y": "oh, my god. what happened next?"}, {"x": "i don't know, i think i might need one last story to get me through it.", "y": "fine. um... oh! the green testicle story. so i was playing ultimate frisbee in college and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails..."}, {"x": "oh, come on, ted! you know what story i want to hear. everyone else here has manned up tonight and told the truth. why can't you?", "y": "you're right. victoria, i'm sorry i haven't told you this yet, but a while back, i was kind of into robin. in fact, on our first date, i might have said, \"i love you.\" understandably, she freaked out and i left. but unfortunately, the night did not end there."}, {"x": "to one hell of a night!", "y": "and i drank... a lot. so you guys think i should have kissed her? well, i'll tell you what, i'm gonna go kiss her right... now."}, {"x": "you re-returned for me. that's really sweet. though you kind of ruined my customized scherbotsky doormat.", "y": "sorry."}, {"x": "it's okay.", "y": "victoria, i know this must be..."}, {"x": "i've just been offered a fellowship at a culinary institute in germany.", "y": "wait. germany, europe?"}, {"x": "it's for two years. i figured i didn't have much of a chance, 'cause they don't let many americans in, but... i'm in.", "y": "so, this is the europe germany?"}, {"x": "what other germany would it be?", "y": "the one in epcot?"}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "sorry. congratulations."}, {"x": "thank you. i don't know if i'm going to go.", "y": "mm-hmm. and if you do, what does that mean for us?"}, {"x": "i don't know. i just... i don't think that long distance really works for anyone.", "y": "oh, god, no. long-distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college."}, {"x": "so, that leaves us with...", "y": "either you stay here, or we break up. wow. um, look, let's just see how things progress, and if by september, we still feel..."}, {"x": "i have to leave on monday.", "y": "monday, september the...?"}, {"x": "ted. do you have any thoughts?", "y": "maybe we should each take some time to think about what we want. we'll meet up tomorrow to discuss it."}, {"x": "you speak ukrainian?", "y": "guys, i'm kind of screwed here. i don't want to lose victoria, but i can't ask her to stay just for me. and long distance definitely isn't an option."}, {"x": "don't knock long-distance relationships. i really think they can work.", "y": "really? you?"}, {"x": "ted, do you remember in college when lily did that summer art program in paris?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "well, she kept talking about this cheesy french guy, gabriel. so, i went out to visit, and there was this party. and who shows up but gabriel. and he's got this weak-ass, thin french moustache. i'm not much of a fighter, but i knew i could take this weird little dude. so, i took him aside, and i got all creepy quiet, i got the crazy eyes going, and i said, \"you stay away from lily, or i swear to god i'll eat that moustache right off of your ugly french face.\" yeah. yeah, he literally ran away. i think he was crying. i never told lily about it. to be honest, i'm not very proud of it. to be even more honest, i am.", "y": "um, other than confirming a lot of european stereotypes about americans, did that little story have a point?"}, {"x": "yeah, the point is that even though lily is my soul mate, long distance still almost k*lled us. if you think that there's any chance that victoria is your soul mate, you should ask her to stay.", "y": "well, i don't know if she is. it's still so early, but yeah, she could be."}, {"x": "oh, please. you barely know this girl. what's her favorite color? is she a cat person or a dog person? is she open to a three-way? ted, i do more research than this before buying a cell phone. fyi, yes, i have three-way calling.", "y": "look, she can't be a cat person. i'm a dog person, i'm attracted to other dog people."}, {"x": "are you sure?", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "hey, random question. how do you feel about cats?"}, {"x": "cats. hated the musical, love the animal.", "y": "good to know. um, okay. good-bye. she's a cat person. i don't know this girl at all."}, {"x": "no. i've made my decision.", "y": "so have i. if i ask this girl to give up her dreams for me, and two weeks later, it's not working out, i'm, like, the biggest jerk of all time. it's just too much pressure on a new relationship. i'm going to tell her to go."}, {"x": "all right, i've been thinking a lot about this... okay, wait, before you say anything, i wanted to give you this. this is what happens when you, you know, let them finish baking.", "y": "i want you to stay."}, {"x": "but how am i supposed to know if we're soul mates? it's too soon. ooh. speak of the devil. hello.", "y": "hey, random question how do you feel cats?"}, {"x": "i wanted to give you... this. this is what happens when you... you know, let them finish baking.", "y": "i want you to stay."}, {"x": "i have to go to germany.", "y": "you're going?"}, {"x": "yes. i have to.", "y": "so that's what you decided?"}, {"x": "well, no... i mean, i actually came here tonight leaning toward staying, but when you just told me to stay, it made me realize that i have to go.", "y": "what is this, opposite day or something?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "so it is?"}, {"x": "ted, we've only been dating for two months. i can't let you make this decision for me.", "y": "i was totally going to tell you to go, but then you gave me this cupcake, and it reminded me how great you are."}, {"x": "well, is there any chance that you would move to germany with me?", "y": "well, that's just crazy."}, {"x": "oh, okay. so it's fine for me to make sacrifices for you, but for you it's crazy.", "y": "but you have a job here and a life; i'd have nothing there."}, {"x": "you'd have me.", "y": "we've only been dating two months. oh, it's not fair. it's not fair that we have to break up. i hate this."}, {"x": "so... we're breaking up?", "y": "i guess so. i guess so."}, {"x": "god, that sucks, man. i'm so sorry.", "y": "it was just too much pressure too soon. i mean, maybe it was silly to even think... yes, marshall, i see your new suit, and it's awesome."}, {"x": "well, thank you for acknowledging it. it was weird that you hadn't. look, i understand that you guys had to break up eventually, but why today?", "y": "she's leaving tomorrow."}, {"x": "yeah, but she's still in town.", "y": "yeah, she... she's still in town."}, {"x": "yeah, so you spend one more amazing day together. ted, think about it this way if you knew that you were going to lose your leg tomorrow, would you sit on the couch and cry about it, or would you run, and jump, and do some awesome air kicks while you still could?", "y": "awesome air kicks, huh?"}, {"x": "new pajama bottoms?", "y": "you know it."}, {"x": "wait, so we're sharing the leg?", "y": "no, the leg is a metaphor."}, {"x": "how could the leg be well enough to do awesome air kicks one day, and yet still so sick it needs to be chopped off the next? i don't know, ted.", "y": "come on, we've had a good run. why end on a fight?"}, {"x": "well, what would you want to do?", "y": "let's do all the stuff we talked about doing and never got around to."}, {"x": "like go to the mets.", "y": "yeah, we'll walk across the brooklyn bridge."}, {"x": "see some monkeys at the zoo?", "y": "go to that french-vietnamese place we keep passing and say we want to try?"}, {"x": "wow! we better get going.", "y": "yeah, big day."}, {"x": "...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforests will continue and over a million species will be wiped out.", "y": "so you don't want coffee."}, {"x": "i'm saying that the coffee industry is causing irreversible...", "y": "all right. i'm pouring it out."}, {"x": "okay, one cup. the kid needs to be alert. first day on the job and everything.", "y": "i still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. \"the kid\" has become \"the man.\""}, {"x": "i love you.", "y": "i love you too, marshmallow."}, {"x": "uh-oh. ted?", "y": "oh, no. no, she didn't."}, {"x": "yeah. yeah, she did.", "y": "another care package?"}, {"x": "how many is that so far?", "y": "three."}, {"x": "and how many have you sent her?", "y": "in the mail or in my mind? zero. she's up three-zip. oh! cupcakes! great. i bet they're delicious, too. yup, they're delicious. damn it! i don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. god, i hate myself right now."}, {"x": "we're still engaged, even if she's...", "y": "sure you don't want one?"}, {"x": "how many of those have you eaten?", "y": "four. teen. no, just four. and the icing from two more. so, anyway, here's the problem."}, {"x": "oh, teddy boy.", "y": "yeah. so now, whatever i send her, she'll know i sent it after i talked to her. so that's the problem. you work on that. i'm gonna eat this cupcake."}, {"x": "all right, here's what you do put together a care package of stuff from new york-- some h&h bagels, an empire state building keychain... and then, top off the package with a new york times... ready? from three days ago.", "y": "that's brilliant. you're brilliant. you know, it's funny, not so long ago, i was coming to marshall and lily for advice on how to impress you."}, {"x": "that is funny.", "y": "now it's ironic, the girl i used to like is helping me impress the girl i now like."}, {"x": "so, did she get the awesome care package yet?", "y": "yep. yesterday."}, {"x": "did she love it?", "y": "ooh, she loved it."}, {"x": "so what's the problem?", "y": "so i was talking to her last night. and, i should tell you, we've been talking on the phone every other night for, like, an hour and a half. eventually you just run out of stuff to say."}, {"x": "oh, teddy boy.", "y": "i'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, but this never-seeing-each-other thing, it's a bitch. maybe it just can't be do. i think it's clear what i have to do."}, {"x": "it's pretty clear.", "y": "i have to go to germany and surprise her."}, {"x": "\"hey, ted, sorry i missed your call last night. this long-distance thing sucks, huh? listen, i've been thinking and i really need to talk to you tonight. i'll call you at 1100. victoria.\" so?", "y": "so she's going to dump me. has anyone ever said, \"listen, i've been thinking,\" and then follow it up with something good? it's not like listen, i've been thinking, nutter-butters are an underrated cookie. what else can it be? what could she possibly have to say to me that she couldn't write in an e-mail?"}, {"x": "i cut off all my fingers? ted, you're a great guy. i know it, you know it, she knows it. i would bet you a gazillion dollars-- no, i'm even more confident. i would bet you a floppity jillion dollars that she's not calling to break up with you.", "y": "thanks. you're right. i'm being crazy. so i should still buy that plane ticket, right?"}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "why hasn't she called yet?"}, {"x": "okay, you're making yourself crazy. it's saturday night. go out and do something.", "y": "no, what's the point of going out? i got a girlfriend... for now. besides, if i go out, who's going to watch the news? i'm, like, half your viewership."}, {"x": "i'm flattered you think we have two viewers. she's not going to break up with you, ted. you're awesome.", "y": "thanks. anyway, it's almost 1100. i should let you go. break a leg."}, {"x": "*he's giving you the blues. you want to graduate, but not in his bed. here's what you got to do pick up the phone...*", "y": "marshall."}, {"x": "hey, hey.", "y": "dude, i feel like i haven't seen you in a month."}, {"x": "yeah. yeah. how you doing?", "y": "i think victoria's about to break up with me."}, {"x": "oh, god, i'm sorry, man.", "y": "yeah, well, honestly, i'm having trouble remembering what she looks like. the more i try to picture her, the more i can't. like, i remember how she makes me feel. i just... i don't completely remember her. it's like i'm trying to preserve something that's already gone."}, {"x": "preserving something that's already gone. sounds like environmental law.", "y": "i don't know. we struggle so hard to hold onto these things that we know are going to disappear eventually. and that's really noble, but even if you save every rainforest from being turned into a parking lot, well, then where are you going to park your car?"}, {"x": "i've just been offered a fellowhip at a culinary institute in germany.", "y": "do you want to try long distance?"}, {"x": "\"this long-distance thing sucks, huh? and i really need to talk to you tonight.\"", "y": "she's going to dump me!"}, {"x": "she's not going to break up with you, ted.", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "do you want to come over?", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "why hasn't she called yet?"}, {"x": "okay, you're making yourself crazy. it's saturday night. go out and do something.", "y": "what's the point of going out? i got a girlfriend... for now. besides, if i go out, who's going to watch the news? i'm, like, half your viewership."}, {"x": "hey, guys. miss me? i missed you, too. hi, ted, it's robin. um, listen, i know it's late, but do you want to come over? ted?", "y": "uh, yeah... uh, hi, i'm here."}, {"x": "do you want to come over?", "y": "why? what's up?"}, {"x": "well, um, i just finally set up my new juicer and i was going to make some juice, and i was, like, \"you know who likes juice? ted.\"", "y": "i love juice."}, {"x": "great. so you want to come over and make juice?", "y": "okay, sure. i'll come over. we'll... juice."}, {"x": "yes, we'll juice.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "okay... bye.", "y": "bye."}, {"x": "what's fine?", "y": "oh, i'm, uh, going over to this girl's house to make some juice."}, {"x": "nice.", "y": "no, it's not like that. we're juicing as friends. see, i have this girlfriend, i would never cheat on her. she lives in germany. see, she was supposed to call me four hours ago to have a serious talk. i still haven't heard from her. i don't know. sorry to bug you with my problems. guess cab drivers are the new bartenders, huh?"}, {"x": "you ain't kidding, kid. want a nip?", "y": "you can just let me out right up here."}, {"x": "where you going to, buddy?", "y": "park slope, eighth and eighth. okay, here's where i left off with the last guy. see, i have a girlfriend, but i'm going over to this other girl's house..."}, {"x": "and you're wondering if i'd be upset. hi, ted. remember me, your girlfriend?", "y": "okay, relax, robin's just a friend."}, {"x": "right. you're going to go make some juice.", "y": "yes, yes! juice is perfectly harmless. in fact, it's healthy."}, {"x": "oh, yeah? then why are you wondering what she looks like naked?", "y": "i am not won... okay, even if i am wondering that, it's only 'cause you put it in my head."}, {"x": "ah, but i'm just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually, you put it in your own head.", "y": "damn it! nothing's going to happen."}, {"x": "right.", "y": "okay, okay. you want a second opinion? fine."}, {"x": "hey, did she call?", "y": "no. i need a ruling. um, i'm... yeah, this is stupid. it's not even a big deal, but i'm on my way over to robin's right now. she got a new juicer. whatever. we're going to test it out."}, {"x": "i'll show you things you never seen before! i used to box in the army!", "y": "come on, pick up. damn it, victoria, where are you? pick up, pick up!"}, {"x": "cupcake?", "y": "no, thanks. where are you? why haven't you called?"}, {"x": "oh, i'm out hooking up... with three other guys. or maybe i'm a devoted girlfriend and i'm calling you right now.", "y": "yeah. why do i doubt that? hello."}, {"x": "ted, i just saw the news and a truck carrying sulphuric acid overturned right in front of robin's house. and it's melting through the sidewalk. you can see straight down into hell. it's bad. you should go home, dude.", "y": "marshall, it's fine. nothing's going to happen."}, {"x": "ted, what does your mom always say?", "y": "nothing good ever..."}, {"x": "nothing good ever happens after 200 a.m. go home! it's too late for juice.", "y": "dude, robin and i are just friends. she doesn't even like me that way."}, {"x": "yes, she does! she likes you. she told me.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it's a big secret, so don't tell her i told you, but she's very vulnerable right now and you have a girlfriend. go home, ted.", "y": "she-she likes me?"}, {"x": "yes. so you see why it would be a very bad idea for you to go up there. go home, ted.", "y": "she likes me?"}, {"x": "go home, ted.", "y": "uh, you're right. i'll, uh, i'll see you at home."}, {"x": "no, he's not going up there. he has more sense than that.", "y": "keep the change."}, {"x": "so you're doing this? you're going up there?", "y": "you want to get out of the way?"}, {"x": "i'm not in the way.", "y": "you know, if you had just called me, i..."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "hi. um, i got some vegetables. i got carrots, i got beets."}, {"x": "or we could just drink wine.", "y": "wine... not? well, that's the stupidest thing i've ever said."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "make it a big glass."}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "so, how's it hanging?"}, {"x": "have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? do you ever have one of those days?", "y": "uh, about once a week."}, {"x": "i don't know, it was just a, a rough day and the only person i wanted to see at the end of it was you. so... um... how was the big phone call with your girlfriend?", "y": "we broke up."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "yeah. yeah, she finally called. we talked for a while-- how hard long distance is-- and then... she dumped me."}, {"x": "oh, ted, i'm so sorry. that's just terrible. i feel awful.", "y": "you're smiling."}, {"x": "am i? no i'm not. i'm a news anchor. smiling's a part of the job. thousands d*ed in a tragic avalanche today. see? you're smiling, too.", "y": "yeah. i have no idea what that's all about."}, {"x": "and it begins.", "y": "so, um... hey. i got a new phone. same as yours. look."}, {"x": "oh, yeah. do you like it?", "y": "yeah. yeah. this is some solid small talk. i had that other phone, and it was good, but i think the whole time a little part of me wanted this phone instead. this phone... um... feels right."}, {"x": "wow. weird.", "y": "yeah. uh, i should probably take this."}, {"x": "i'll be here.", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "sorry about that.", "y": "was that korean elvis?"}, {"x": "i'll explain later. hey, we're headed down to maclaren's.", "y": "um... actually... i'm at robin's. yeah, and, um... i might have done something bad. i just lied and told her i broke up with victoria."}, {"x": "ted, i don't want to swear in front of korean elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?", "y": "what do you expect from me? it's robin. victoria's great, but, it's robin. i've made up my mind. i'm going to end it with victoria."}, {"x": "gonna?", "y": "yes. first thing tomorrow."}, {"x": "okay, but, but, as of right now at-at... 245 a.m. you still have a girlfriend. ted, i love you. i love robin. but if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be built on a crime. just go home, ted. don't do this the wrong way.", "y": "i hate how you're always right."}, {"x": "it's my best and most annoying trait.", "y": "okay. i'm coming home. i'll see you soon."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "i should probably get going. it's pretty late. i'm sorry. i..."}, {"x": "oh. oh, no. i understand. it's fine. yeah.", "y": "can i call you tomorrow?"}, {"x": "totally. totally. call me tomorrow.", "y": "okay. good night, robin."}, {"x": "oh, my god. we're making out.", "y": "right."}, {"x": "this is crazy.", "y": "right? right?"}, {"x": "should we go to my room? i mean, there's five dogs in there, but...", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "yeah. i just, um... i have to run to the bathroom real quick."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "stop doing that."}, {"x": "whatcha doin'?", "y": "i'm calling you. we're breaking up. i'm doing this right now, i'm coming out of this bathroom a single man."}, {"x": "okay. say, ted... how long do you think that conversation's going to be? length of an average pee? no. we're gonna be on the phone for at least 20 minutes. robin's out there. she's gonna think you're in here taking a massive...", "y": "what do you want from me? people break up. it happens."}, {"x": "not like this. not from the bathroom of the girl that you're about to sleep with.", "y": "it's not ideal."}, {"x": "what do you mean \"could\"?", "y": "i'm sorry, it's just... god, i... i'm crazy about this girl. it feels like maybe... i don't want to say it."}, {"x": "yes! word up!", "y": "yeah, put me down for two."}, {"x": "really? it's three months away.", "y": "i know, but... guys, i'm sorry, i'm going to say it. i have a feeling victoria's going to be around for a long time."}, {"x": "you lied and said you were broken up with victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night?", "y": "yes, that's what i meant by \"you know.\" i haven't seen her in three weeks. she won't return my calls. look, i shouldn't go."}, {"x": "or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. even better, triple thr*at-- hotter and bigger boobs.", "y": "that's only two."}, {"x": "count again.", "y": "barney, i'm not bringing a date. even if i wanted to, the thing's in two hours."}, {"x": "so get an escort.", "y": "by \"escort,\" you mean prost*tute?"}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "because... gross?"}, {"x": "come on, ted, let's get you a hooker. it'll be fun.", "y": "okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "no! it's illegal. and did i mention gross?"}, {"x": "lawyered. the point is, how long has it been?", "y": "57 days."}, {"x": "is that your water? may i?", "y": "yeah, go ahead."}, {"x": "much obliged. 57 days?! ted, you are in a slump.", "y": "no, it's not a slump. it's an intentional hiatus from girls. a slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate. but i'm off the roster, baby. i'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. and i'll tell you something, it feels pretty good."}, {"x": "yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? a naked dudes hanging brain. ted, you need a lady. and i've got the next best thing-- mary. she lives in my building. she's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool.", "y": "oh, she sounds great. and who knows? maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. you know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp."}, {"x": "you want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? that's racism. and i do not drink with racists. good day.", "y": "you're just waiting for me to speak, so you can..."}, {"x": "robin's bringing a date.", "y": "oh. okay. that's not weird. she's bringing a date. i'm glad she's moving on."}, {"x": "dude, it's going to be weird.", "y": "no, it's fine. look, in spite of whatever happened between us, robin and i are still friends. i don't think it'll be weird."}, {"x": "yeah, it won't be weird.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "nice to meet you ted.", "y": "hi, mary. wow. it's, uh, nice to meet you, too."}, {"x": "so we're going to an award show?", "y": "uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? barney."}, {"x": "see you in two shakes, mare. you two make yourselves comfortable.", "y": "what the hell?"}, {"x": "dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow. so i got you a date for the evening.", "y": "you got me a hooker. a really hot hook-- a hooker!"}, {"x": "think about it, this is perfect. a it will make robin insanely jealous... b you get to have sex with her... and c maybe by getting to know mary, you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. and d \"b\" all night long.", "y": "i'm not taking a prost*tute to robin's banquet."}, {"x": "the only people who will know are you, me and marshall. no one will suspect a thing. they'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... okay, that's a little bit suspicious. look, i'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight. but if you're not interested, fine, i'm out 500 bucks. whatever.", "y": "500 bucks?"}, {"x": "ted, you're my cabron. you think i'm gonna stick you with some toothless tr*nny from the port authority? look at how hot she is. robin would be so jealous.", "y": "i'm not trying to make robin jealous, barney. look, i... tell mary, thanks, but no thanks. i have a soul."}, {"x": "check out robin's date.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "is that who i think it is?", "y": "yep. it's sandy rivers."}, {"x": "here we have, on the front page, a story about a... i guess, a guy in a superhero costume climbing the empire state building. looks interesting.", "y": "which sandy do we want today? french sandy, p*rn star sandy...?"}, {"x": "yosemite sandy, definitely.", "y": "excellent choice. i love this guy."}, {"x": "mary is a friend of barney's. barney invited her. just met mary ourselves. don't know too much about mary. look, a beer.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "you look nice."}, {"x": "hi. sandy rivers. use my full name. people get a kick out of it.", "y": "hi, sandy. rivers. so are you two, uh..."}, {"x": "starting a bunch of office rumors? looks that way. looks that way.", "y": "oh, how rude of me. uh, robin, sandy... rivers... this is mary, my date."}, {"x": "man, vampire lou just looks great.", "y": "i can't believe i'm on a date with a hooker."}, {"x": "no, not really. we just chitchatted and i borrowed her lipstick. why is vampire lou the host of a saturday afternoon kung fu movie? you know, it just makes no sense. god, that pisses me off.", "y": "lily, you okay?"}, {"x": "nice.", "y": "you're pretty good on your feet."}, {"x": "are you flirting with me?", "y": "is that allowed?"}, {"x": "yes, it's encouraged.", "y": "you know, i wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but... well, considering... i'm just going to say it. you are so hot!"}, {"x": "well, thank you.", "y": "you're welcome."}, {"x": "mary, ted is a great guy. you hold on to him. don't let him out of your sight for a minute.", "y": "so, sandy, what do you do? oh, wait, i know what you do. you're the guy who reads the paper in the morning."}, {"x": "you got me. what do you do, ted?", "y": "oh, same thing as you-- i read the paper every morning. but then after that, i finish my coffee and i go to my real job as an architect where i make an actual contribution to the world. i'm just kidding. love your show. you're terrific."}, {"x": "hey, you know that scene in empire where they lower the helmet onto darth vader's head? do you think that's how sandy puts his hair on in the morning?", "y": "you just insulted someone i hate by referencing something i love. damn, you just got even hotter."}, {"x": "hey. mary seems nice. have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting until you're in a serious relationship with someone else?", "y": "i, uh... i wanted to apologize for everything that happened."}, {"x": "and just like that, it's all okay. roll credits.", "y": "so you're going to be mad at me forever? what, we're not even friends now?"}, {"x": "we're still friends.", "y": "are we? you don't return my calls, we never hang out and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving edward r. moron in my face?"}, {"x": "oh, and paralegally blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous?", "y": "oh, so now she's a whore?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you know something? mary the paralegal is awesome. and you know what else? i didn't come here tonight to make you jealous, i came here to support you as a friend. and frankly, i'm sick of trying."}, {"x": "i like that guy.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey. what were you guys talking about over there?", "y": "oh, i was, uh, just telling my friend that i think you're awesome."}, {"x": "well, thanks. you know, this is one of the nicer hotels i've ever been in.", "y": "oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. you should see the rooms. the views are amazing."}, {"x": "room 1506. my treat. you kids go nuts. actually, don't use the mini-bar. do it. come on, ted, do it. this is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.", "y": "sleep with a prost*tute?"}, {"x": "lawyered. okay, three things. first of all, robin's category's almost up. and second of all, you cannot do this. it's wrong on every level. and third, i've been placing small items in sandy's hair all night. he still hasn't noticed.", "y": "i know i can't do this. i'm not doing this. it's just... it's a shame. she's really cool."}, {"x": "sure. let's go.", "y": "yeah, this party's dead. mary, you want to go upstairs? we, uh, got a room."}, {"x": "dude, what are you doing?", "y": "what's it look like?"}, {"x": "it looks bad, is what it looks like. you cannot do this.", "y": "marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. besides, i'm trying to make robin jealous."}, {"x": "should we go?", "y": "yeah. thanks. well... good night."}, {"x": "good night.", "y": "so, did you and barney ever...?"}, {"x": "there's not enough money in the world.", "y": "oh, thank god."}, {"x": "no. mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. oh-- ha-ha! and here's the best part-- she has no idea that ted thinks she's a hooker. oh, come on. if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.", "y": "i feel kind of like richard gere."}, {"x": "not shy about your looks, are you?", "y": "no. you know, mary, i've never done this before."}, {"x": "done what?", "y": "you know, been... on a \"date.\""}, {"x": "yeah, right. wait, you're kidding, right?", "y": "no. why, is that so odd?"}, {"x": "well, ted, i mean, i've been going on dates since i was 15.", "y": "god, you were just a kid. well, look, let's just have a few drinks. we'll relax and..."}, {"x": "yeah, that sounds great. i had clients riding me all day long.", "y": "must be tough."}, {"x": "yeah. i mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. i mean, talk about a**l. well, here we are.", "y": "okay, look, mary, i like you a lot. i'm sort of amazed at how much i like you, but i can't do this. you're a hooker."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "look, maybe i'm old-fashioned, but i'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. i'm not going to have sex with a prost*tute."}, {"x": "no... ted, i'm a paralegal.", "y": "come on, mary, there's no one else around. you're a hooker."}, {"x": "no, ted... i'm a paralegal.", "y": "no, you're a hooker."}, {"x": "no, i'm a paralegal.", "y": "you're a paralegal."}, {"x": "you're a wonder.", "y": "wow! you guys are getting married in two months."}, {"x": "division of labor. everyone's got a job to do, so listen up. okay, robin, you and ted go to the florist.", "y": "was it...?"}, {"x": "the 88. they're this awesome band. they played my law review party. they were found guilty. on three counts of rocking.", "y": "i saw them two months ago at my cousin bonzo's wedding, they were great."}, {"x": "john \"bonzo\" bonham from led zeppelin?", "y": "yes, lily, my cousin, the drummer from led zeppelin, who d*ed in 1980, got married two months ago."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "lily, you're being a wee bit intense about this band thing."}, {"x": "intense? i have a wedding to plan in nine weeks for 200 people. even if a dinosaur should poke his head out of my butt and consume this coffee table, i need you to roll with it, okay?", "y": "wow."}, {"x": "yes, we are. it's the only way.", "y": "you're getting on board with barney's idea? man, you really have snapped."}, {"x": "please, i'm ageless, scherbotsky just needs a good night's sleep, and you've got \"statutory\" written all over your body.", "y": "hey, why don't we all go?"}, {"x": "i don't know-- more people might be harder to sneak in. we don't want to mess things up for lily.", "y": "yeah, you're right. besides, marshall and i have been planning on having a guy's night out before the wedding. why don't we just make it tomorrow night?"}, {"x": "sounds awesome. we should go out and just get freakin' weird.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "we got to go. see ya.", "y": "bye, have fun. see you."}, {"x": "they grow up into skanks so fast, don't they, ted?", "y": "so, what, we ready for tonight?"}, {"x": "yeah. just one thing we got to do first.", "y": "sh*t of jim beam?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "yes!"}, {"x": "and then i promised lily that we'd stuff 200 wedding invitations.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "i'm sorry, dude, but you saw how stressed out she is.", "y": "come on! you've been doing wedding stuff nonstop. take a break. once you're married, if we go out and you get so drunk you throw up, it'll be sad, but if we do it tonight... it'll be less sad."}, {"x": "okay, it'll be cool-- i'll tell you what. we'll make a game out of it. first one to stuff a hundred invitations gets a big prize.", "y": "do i look like i'm four? all right, what kind of prize are we talking?"}, {"x": "my phlegm feels looser.", "y": "this is pathetic. it's guys' night. we should be out in a bar getting in fights. if i got in a fight, would you have my back?"}, {"x": "you know it.", "y": "i'd have your back, too."}, {"x": "that's cool.", "y": "what, you don't think you'd need my help? you don't know what i can do. i'm like... like a berserker."}, {"x": "hang on. it's robin. she wants me to go to prom. can ted come?", "y": "wait! don't ask! that's so lame! i don't even want to go anyway."}, {"x": "uh, i don't know. things have been so weird between us.", "y": "what'd she say? what'd she say?"}, {"x": "okay, just be cool. don't look at me.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "wait here, i should go talk to the band.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "how did you guys get in here?", "y": "we just snuck in the back."}, {"x": "you just snu... are you serious? i've been trying to get in here all night. i finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let me borrow this mascot costume.", "y": "but you got in. slow and steady won the race."}, {"x": "and for the birthday boy, lasagna.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "careful. the plate is very hot.", "y": "'kay. oh, go on, touch it."}, {"x": "ah! sweet damn, that's a hot plate.", "y": "all right, so, barney, are you doing this or what?"}, {"x": "you don't have to. please, it's going to be embarrassing and we're going to have to stop coming here, which will suck... in addition to probably being kind of healthy.", "y": "come on, marshall, it's the greatest pickup line of all time. barney."}, {"x": "ah... happy birthday, ted.", "y": "whoo-hoo!"}, {"x": "you know, the more i watch this, the less convinced i am that it's the greatest pickup line of all time.", "y": "wait for it."}, {"x": "still, you know, another year older. still single. you don't hear your tedological clock ticking?", "y": "nope. i hit the snooze button."}, {"x": "thank you, everyone. thank you, everyone. it's been fun. it's wendy the waitress. tip her well. thanks a lot, guys. troilus and cressida. neighborhood playhouse. check them out, they're good.", "y": "i realize why i'm still single. i'm picky. i'm not going to settle. if i'm going to marry someone, she has to be perfect."}, {"x": "well, what's perfect?", "y": "it's not like i have a list."}, {"x": "oh, yes, you do.", "y": "attractive, college-educated, she wants two kids-- a boy and a girl..."}, {"x": "that's not hard. i know at least...", "y": "i'm not done. she likes dogs, otis redding, does the crossword. she's into sports, but not so much so that her legs are, like, more muscular than mine. that weirds me out. and she plays bass guitar like kim deal from the pixies."}, {"x": "or kim gordon from sonic youth.", "y": "any kim from any cool band, really. can't be too picky."}, {"x": "you're never going to find this girl.", "y": "exactly. so i'm just going to wait for her to come to me. i am done trying to plan the unplannable."}, {"x": "so, what, you think fate's just going to take care of it?", "y": "that's the plan."}, {"x": "yeah, thought i'd whip up some pancakes.", "y": "does marshall know?"}, {"x": "awesome. so awesome. god! best girl ever. screw these pancakes, i should cover you in syrup and gobble you up.", "y": "please don't do that. hey, is this milk any good?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah, that totally got me yesterday.", "y": "god, why didn't you throw it away?"}, {"x": "i get it. thank you, tracy.", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "hello. may i speak with a mr. ted mosby?", "y": "speaking."}, {"x": "mr. mosby, how you doing, sir? bob rorschach over here at love solutions. you signed up for our services about six months ago.", "y": "uh, yeah. you guys never found me a match."}, {"x": "right. well... actually, that's why i'm calling. we found her, sir. we found your soul mate.", "y": "i don't understand. what happened to ellen pierce? doesn't she run this place?"}, {"x": "well, my firm bought out the company. you know, we're a high-end meats and textiles conglomerate, but the geniuses at corporate decided they wanted to diversify, so... here i am.", "y": "so i'm in good hands. you found me a match?"}, {"x": "there she is. your soul mate. that'll be 500 bucks.", "y": "no way. the last time i did this, the girl turned out to be engaged."}, {"x": "she's not engaged. she's your soul mate. just read the file.", "y": "all right, fine. set it up."}, {"x": "yeah, it's probably a good idea.", "y": "lily?"}, {"x": "hey, ted, are you busy?", "y": "um... yes."}, {"x": "oh, right. soul mate. forgot. listen, could you take a cab out to duchess county and change a flat on marshall's fiero?", "y": "what? what? no. can't you just call marshall?"}, {"x": "marshall can't know about this. look, ted, it's dark, i don't know how to change a tire, and i've stumbled into the beginning of a very scary campfire story. can you please hurry?", "y": "i can't, i'm waiting..."}, {"x": "oh, my god, is that a drifter with a hook for a hand? no, drifter, no!", "y": "come on, lily."}, {"x": "but you see my point.", "y": "all right, stay there. i'm on my way."}, {"x": "oh, thank god. i'm so sorry about this. did you get ahold of your date?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "and was she okay about pushing it back?", "y": "yes. because she's perfect. so what am i doing here?"}, {"x": "you can never tell marshall.", "y": "i won't."}, {"x": "ever. swear. swear on the lives of your unborn boy and girl.", "y": "i swear on luke and leia."}, {"x": "about a month ago, i started getting insomnia. marrying marshall had been all i wanted for a long time. but, now that it was really happening, it seemed kind of huge and scary.", "y": "did you talk to marshall about it?"}, {"x": "he wouldn't have understood. he's not exactly nervous about tying the knot. so i spent my nights reading, painting, setting the high score on super bomber man...", "y": "that was you? awesome!"}, {"x": "i know! i just got in the zone and... not the point of the story. and then i started thinking about victoria and how she followed her dream to germany, and i found that art fellowship.", "y": "let me guess. it's somewhere far away."}, {"x": "san francisco. but it's not like i'm going to do it. the dates conflict with the wedding. but i love painting, and i've always wondered if i'm any good. this was a way to find out. and the interview is tonight. in new haven.", "y": "you don't want to get married."}, {"x": "of course i want to get married. i... it's not like i was ever going to do it. i just... i just really wanted to see if i could get this.", "y": "lily, we live in the center of art and culture in america. i'm sure you could find a program here that's just as selective. but you chose one in a city 3,000 miles away, and you didn't tell marshall. i think it's pretty clear what that means."}, {"x": "okay, i was... i was having second thoughts. but i'm not any more. i... i mean, this flat tire was a sign. i'm not supposed to do this. i'm supposed to go home and-and be with marshall. you must think i'm so stupid.", "y": "i don't think you're stupid."}, {"x": "i love marshall.", "y": "i know you do. come here. it's okay. look... marriage is big. you're allowed to freak out."}, {"x": "but why am i the only one? how come marshall isn't doing anything crazy?", "y": "all done."}, {"x": "ted, let's go to new haven.", "y": "lily, don't do this to yourself."}, {"x": "i just need to know if i can get in. if i do this interview, and get into the program, then i'll know, and i can forget all about it, and get married. come on! it's an adventure.", "y": "no, it's not an adventure. it's a mistake."}, {"x": "okay, yes, it's a mistake. i know it's a mistake. but there are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it's a mistake is to make the mistake, and look back, and say, \"yep. that was a mistake.\" so, really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake, because then you go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. and, damn it, i've made no mistakes! i've done all of this-- my life, my relationship, my career-- mistake-free. does any of this make sense to you?", "y": "i don't know. you said \"mistake\" a lot. lily, don't do this."}, {"x": "ted, i'm getting married in two months, and i'm freaking out, and you're my best friend, and you just have to forgive me for this.", "y": "forgive you for what? lily. lily! hey, lily, this is ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road. i just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk... oh, and, when i get home, i'm going to k*ll you. and, also, i texted you the same thing. hey, i need a big favor."}, {"x": "anything, bro.", "y": "i need you to come up to duchess county and pick me up."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "it's kind of an emergency."}, {"x": "what are you doing in duchess county?", "y": "apple picking. can you just get up here?"}, {"x": "don't you have a big date tonight?", "y": "uh... marshall. hi. yes. yes, i do."}, {"x": "so what are you doing in duchess county?", "y": "can't a brother go apple picking without getting the third degree? damn!"}, {"x": "okay, well, hang on. i'm coming to get you.", "y": "no!"}, {"x": "relax, man. i'll take the fiero.", "y": "no, no, no. just... forget it. ha, ha! a little prank. i'm not in duchess county."}, {"x": "so that's the prank? that you're not in duchess county?", "y": "yep. gotcha! classic! gotta go."}, {"x": "need a ride, cowboy?", "y": "sorry. i don't get in vans with strangers."}, {"x": "hmm, too bad. i got candy.", "y": "candy?!"}, {"x": "so you're not going to tell me what you were doing by the side of a highway in duchess county?", "y": "nope. sworn to secrecy."}, {"x": "oh, come on.", "y": "i like your hat."}, {"x": "right. this is embarrassing. i got highlights.", "y": "oh, for the waiting room of your dental practice? highlights is a children's magazine."}, {"x": "yeah, i got it. i thought it might look cool. of course my colorist took \"highlights\" to mean, \"i want to look like a tiger,\" hence the hat.", "y": "oh. i gotta see this."}, {"x": "no way.", "y": "please. i bet it doesn't look that bad. i bet it looks grr-eat!"}, {"x": "so, she says, changing the subject. big date tonight. how does she rate on the mosby checklist?", "y": "kind of amazingly. uh, she's 28, like me."}, {"x": "wow, i'm 28. hmm.", "y": "uh, college educated-- check. plays tennis-- check. uh, favorite book is love in the time of cholera-- check."}, {"x": "i read that. more like \"love in the time of don't bothera.\"", "y": "you know, it's very rude to wear a hat indoors. i'm just saying."}, {"x": "we're not indoors. we're in a van.", "y": "vans have doors-- let me see your hair."}, {"x": "never. what else?", "y": "she loves lasagna."}, {"x": "barf.", "y": "you know, i am sensing a pattern here."}, {"x": "what else?", "y": "let's see what else... oh, she doesn't look like a tiger-- check."}, {"x": "and she's looking to get married and have kids?", "y": "check and check. she wants two kids... a boy and a girl."}, {"x": "wow. you know, i've been thinking about this. i think i want to have zero kids.", "y": "really? you don't want kids?"}, {"x": "you know, ted, not everyone is as much of a woman as you. hey. i'm driving. look at that. 856. you're early.", "y": "hey, thanks for picking me up."}, {"x": "good luck on your date. i hope she's everything you're looking for.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "all right, you've clearly had a rough night. i want you to go in there with a smile on your face, so, uh, here's what i'm going to do.", "y": "you're going to show me your hair?"}, {"x": "actually, i was going to show you my breasts, but... sure, we can do hair.", "y": "you just made my night."}, {"x": "tomorrow morning, barney's going to send out the package, and butterfield's going to be knee-deep in angry white mice. oh, hey, dude.", "y": "hey, guys."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "hey. so, lil, did you, uh, get the milk?"}, {"x": "yeah. yeah, i-i got it.", "y": "you think you might want to... drink the milk?"}, {"x": "look, guys, i know milk is important-- it's got vitamin a, vitamin d, it's a great way to start the morning-- but ted just had a huge date. how'd it go, dude?", "y": "i didn't go."}, {"x": "what? why?", "y": "i changed my mind. i don't want to meet her."}, {"x": "why? she sounds perfect.", "y": "i don't want perfect. i want robin."}, {"x": "oh, god, not this again. ted, it's a mistake.", "y": "maybe. but it's a mistake i have to make."}, {"x": "ah, sweet damn, that's a hot plate.", "y": "hey, is this milk any good?"}, {"x": "robin again? ted, the universe clearly does not want you and robin to be together. don't piss off the universe. the universe will slap you.", "y": "but don't you think the universe has more important things to worry about than my dating life?"}, {"x": "unless your dating life is the glue holding the entire universe together... whoa. chills. anybody else get chills?", "y": "look, i realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever i do, it all keeps coming back to robin, so... i gotta do this. ow! what the hell?"}, {"x": "dude, he's right. how many times do you have to watch this crash and burn before you say, \"enough\"?", "y": "one more. one more time. one more big, beautiful, stupid romantic gesture. and then, whatever she says, yes or no, that's it. if it's yes, great. if it's no, then i am done going after robin forever."}, {"x": "so what's this big, beautiful romantic gesture?", "y": "i am going to make her... a mix cd. no, i'm kidding. i got a plan. lily, i'm going to need the spare key to robin's apartment."}, {"x": "universe. so, this plan you speak of?", "y": "remember the first night robin and i went out? i stole a blue french horn for her and it almost worked."}, {"x": "yeah. dude, that was awesome, but how are you ever going to top that?", "y": "she should be here any second."}, {"x": "uh, we're pretty hungry. when do we get our pizza?", "y": "enough with the... we'll go get pizza later, all right? just..."}, {"x": "just knock. okay.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "robin... i've sort of said this already. i mean i've half said it. i've tried to say it, and i've said it badly. so this is me, just saying it. with strings. i'm crazy about you. i think we should be together. what do you say? what do you say?"}, {"x": "yes. no. i don't know.", "y": "those are the three options."}, {"x": "ted, this is so...", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "i mean, i come home, i was going to watch jeopardy and there's a string quartet and... i have to pee.", "y": "oh, i'm sorry. uh, well, go ahead. we'll, uh, we'll wait."}, {"x": "yeah, 'cause when we talked earlier, you said there'd be pizza.", "y": "no, i said i'd get you a pizza afterwards. look, could we talk about this later? i'm sort of professing my love here."}, {"x": "okay. let's talk.", "y": "okay. oh, hey, you guys want to take five?"}, {"x": "thanks, guys. just need a minute. sort of a big life decision. love the blue instruments, though. kind of an inside joke. thanks. you're crazy.", "y": "right. come on."}, {"x": "it's not that i haven't thought about this. you know that i have, but let's look at this, okay? we only just started being friends again.", "y": "i know. but... come on..."}, {"x": "and we want different things. that's still there. that's not going away. i mean, what if we do this and it doesn't work out and i'd lose you as a friend? i gotta think about this.", "y": "okay, fine. think about it on the plane. let's go to paris for the weekend. i'm serious. i'm kidding. i'm serious."}, {"x": "i can't go to paris, i'm going camping.", "y": "i thought that thing was canceled."}, {"x": "well, it's back on.", "y": "since when?"}, {"x": "how about this weekend on the camping trip? i roast a mean weenie.", "y": "oh, you're kidding me. no way. don't go on this thing."}, {"x": "ted, i have to go. it's a company camping trip.", "y": "really? because it also kinda sounds like a date. with sandy... and his weenie. i mean is this not a date?"}, {"x": "i don't-i don't know.", "y": "so, what? you actually like this guy now?"}, {"x": "i don't know.", "y": "are you gonna hook up with him?"}, {"x": "i don't know.", "y": "yes, you do."}, {"x": "no, ted, i don't. and you know what? that's okay. i don't plan out every second of my life like you do.", "y": "i don't plan out every..."}, {"x": "oh, really? what is all of this? i mean, why can't you just say, \"hey, robin, let's go get some sushi?\" no, it has to be a-a string quartet and-and paris and flowers and chocolates and let's spend the rest of our lives together.", "y": "don't you think we're a little bit past sushi at this point? god, you are so terrified of anything real. it's like you're floating out in space. touch the ground, robin. live in the world, make a mistake. make this mistake."}, {"x": "i need to think about this.", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "no, i'm sorry, i... i can't do this anymore. i need an answer.", "y": "if you want me to say yes right now, i-i can't do that."}, {"x": "well, if it's not yes, then it's a no.", "y": "then i guess it's not meant to be."}, {"x": "look at the bright side. at least you got some closure. she's made her choice and you can finally move on.", "y": "screw that. this ain't over."}, {"x": "ted, you sat here in this very booth and you said...", "y": "i don't care what i said. this is gonna happen. she can't say it's not meant to be. it is meant to be, and you know why? 'cause i mean it to be."}, {"x": "ted, she is going on that camping trip. dude, barring some act of god, robin's gonna be with sandy this weekend.", "y": "fine. if an act of god is what it takes, then an act of god it is."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "i'm gonna make it rain. i can't let robin go camping with this guy. so how do i keep that from happening? simple... i make it rain!"}, {"x": "ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'cause i kind of enjoyed it the first time.", "y": "look, i-i might be crazy right now... no, you know what? i am definitely crazy right now, but i have a plan. that girl you used to go out with, penelope, wasn't she getting her phd in native american culture?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "are you still in touch with her?"}, {"x": "sure. i mean, even though we stopped having sex, we still get together, like, once a month to chat and catch up, and of course i'm not in touch with her!", "y": "well, you're gonna need to get in touch with her. she's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance."}, {"x": "did you just say a \"rain dance\"?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "a rain dance.", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "a dance to make it rain.", "y": "yes. we're finding penelope!"}, {"x": "no, we are not!", "y": "yes, we are!"}, {"x": "seriously, come on.", "y": "penelope, i really need to make it rain this weekend."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "there's this girl..."}, {"x": "\"there's this girl.\" you know, the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. i don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.", "y": "penelope, this is the girl i love. if it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy. please."}, {"x": "this wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "kind of like barney?", "y": "kind of."}, {"x": "ted, this is funny. still funny. still fu... and now it's sad.", "y": "hey, penelope, you sure i'm doing this right?"}, {"x": "i think so.", "y": "does it, uh, look anything like a real rain dance?"}, {"x": "i think so.", "y": "hey, penelope, have you, uh, have you ever actually seen a rain dance performed?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "no?"}, {"x": "i've read extensively on the subject firsthand accounts, theoretical criticism, the anthropological...", "y": "have you ever seen a rain dance?"}, {"x": "i've seen a film strip.", "y": "terrific. uh, look, i should run. i'm getting brain surgery from some guy who's seen a couple episodes of e.r. i can't believe this. we've been up here for the past hour making complete asses of ourselves."}, {"x": "hey, ted. whatcha doing?", "y": "a rain dance."}, {"x": "dude, that's not a rain dance, that's a fat kid with a bee in his pants.", "y": "look, i highly doubt the great spirit is a stickler for choreography. it's the thought that counts. she's leaving in half an hour."}, {"x": "these are your awesome years. you're wasting them on this girl. this isn't gonna work!", "y": "yeah. i know that."}, {"x": "well, then why are you doing this?", "y": "because i love her. i love her! i told her that the first night we went out, and here it is, eight months later, and nothing's changed. so yes, i know this isn't gonna work. but it has to work! you hear me, universe? this is ted mosby talking! give me some rain! come on! come on! come on...!"}, {"x": "i should call her.", "y": "no! no! if you call her, when she asked you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. now, listen. whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and i will punch you in the face."}, {"x": "hey! so, did you hear the big news?", "y": "you mean how lily and marshall broke up and lily is gone and nothing else even remotely important happened last night? yeah, i think he knows."}, {"x": "for the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. i've dreamed about this day boys and it's going to be legendary! together, we will own this city. any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge-drinking, we will be there. any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out, shouting \"what's up new york?\" we will be what is up new york! gentlemen, we are about to embark on.... oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!", "y": "hey marshall."}, {"x": "hey ted.", "y": "are you hungry?"}, {"x": "what's the point? i could it some food, it's just gonna leave me.", "y": "at least in that scenario, you get to do the dumping. come on, it's sunday, it's pancakes day!"}, {"x": "lily always made the pancakes. god, i loved her pancakes. so soft. so warmed. so perfectly shaped.", "y": "are we still talking about her pancakes? come on, you gotta eat something. what can i get you?"}, {"x": "beer.", "y": "no, that's what you had for dinner."}, {"x": "so he stays home all the time not getting laid? no, see, that's what you do when you have a fianc\u00e9e. he should be down here celebrating. he's free. he got that red-head-tumor removed.", "y": "you should write and illustrate children's books."}, {"x": "you know what marshall needs to do? he needs to stop being sad. when i get sad, i stop being sad and be awesome instead. true story.", "y": "it's only been a month. he just needs to goat his own pace. anyway, lily is the one who caused this whole mess."}, {"x": "hey, cut her some slack! she's our friend too. she's just trying to figure out who she is.", "y": "figure out who she is? she should call me. i got a whole list. she's selfish, she's immature, she's..."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "god, your eyes are so blue."}, {"x": "i thought he's never go to sleep.", "y": "uh-oh."}, {"x": "already?", "y": "he's calling her. dammit!"}, {"x": "have you tried breast-feeding? nailed it!", "y": "they were together nine years. it's only been a month and a half. he just needs to go his own pace."}, {"x": "he slept on our floor last night ted.", "y": "he watched a scary movie."}, {"x": "they won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. two at the time. those count as four.", "y": "yeah, this is fun, right? we're outside, it's a beautiful day. the indians are winning!"}, {"x": "yankee's fans, please turn your attention to the diamond vision for a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise.", "y": "oh, no."}, {"x": "it's all a big lie! she's just gonna break your heart! you can drag me outta here, but she has no soul!", "y": "we've tried everything. baseball, strippers. the guy still won't eat a damn pancake. i think he's beyond repair."}, {"x": "i should have mention the recoil.", "y": "i'll hand it to you. when he got home, marshall was smiling. did you sleep with him? 'cause i was actually like three days away from suggesting that."}, {"x": "sometimes, all you need is to get in touch with your feminine side.", "y": "well, congratulations. you're the first person to cheer him up all summer. you win."}, {"x": "oh! what do i win?", "y": "i'll tell what you win. i'm taking you away this weekend."}, {"x": "you are? that's so nice!", "y": "my aunt and uncle have a beach house at montauk. it's really romantic. my uncle had, like, three affairs there."}, {"x": "yeah sure. absolutely. dude, i'm doing much better. in fact, take my car.", "y": "really? hey, thanks. and hey, if you need anything, day or night, just call me. you know what? please don't call me. what? what's wrong?"}, {"x": "it's lily's credit card bill. she must have forgotten to switch her address.", "y": "so?"}, {"x": "i wonder what kind of charges she's making out there.", "y": "no, no. no good can come from looking at this. you've made too much progress already."}, {"x": "i love you too, lily. that's right marshall, she's all mine. now i'm gonna let her play with my hair.", "y": "that's the craziest thing i've ever heard."}, {"x": "those charges are from a month ago.", "y": "exactly!"}, {"x": "for new charges, you have to go to her online account. you can see credit card activity from like two hours ago. but... you know... don't....", "y": "why do you talk? why do you talk?"}, {"x": "ok, you know what? i'm calling her.", "y": "no! you're not calling her. this changes nothing. you, come here.. while we're away this weekend can you keep an eye on him? make sure he doesn't call her hotel."}, {"x": "you want me to baby-sit him? 20 bucks. an hour. and money for pizza.", "y": "um yeah. how about you do it for free or every time we hang out you have to watch this. come here my little baby."}, {"x": "marshall!", "y": "marshall! marshall!"}, {"x": "ted, i know i shouldn't do this but i have to!", "y": "everything we've worked so hard for...!"}, {"x": "hello, lily aldrin's room please. thank you.", "y": "hang up now!"}, {"x": "ted, i can't hang up now.", "y": "hang up now! hang up now! hang up now! hang up!"}, {"x": "no!", "y": "dude, you can't..."}, {"x": "really? why not?", "y": "because you're pathetic! i'm sorry. but right now, you are not marshall. you are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a sh*t in hell with a girl like lily. you know who might have a sh*t somewhere down the line? marshall. the real marshall. but if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. of course, whatever i say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend, good luck screwing up your life. come on, robin... is it still ok if we borrow the car?"}, {"x": "bold. bold to go for the car.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i didn't say a thing.", "y": "you think i was too hard on him."}, {"x": "i didn't say a thing.", "y": "i can't believe you're accusing me to be too hard on him. you're the one who said tough love."}, {"x": "yeah, tough love, not hand the guy a noose.", "y": "oh, but it's ok to hand him a 9 mm? yeah. he told me. so you're a g*n nut?"}, {"x": "no, i'm a g*n enthusiast.", "y": "do you know how many people are k*lled..."}, {"x": "the second amendment protects my right to bear arms...", "y": "alright, alright. i was too hard on him."}, {"x": "a little.", "y": "i'm gonna call barney, see how they're doing."}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "uh, hey. where are you guys?"}, {"x": "we're at a fundraiser helping young women raise money for college.", "y": "strip-club. nice. is marshall ok?"}, {"x": "already?", "y": "what? what uh-oh?"}, {"x": "he's gone.", "y": "you lost him? i can't believe it! he's gonna go down to that hotel."}, {"x": "crap, you're right. ok, here is the plan. here is the plan. you go down to the hotel and find him. i'll stay here and get a lap dance. bye ted!", "y": "barney![end of the phone call]"}, {"x": "is there a hot tube at your uncle's place?", "y": "a really nice one."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "what happened?"}, {"x": "well, i went up to lily's floor...", "y": "you knocked out lily's new boyfriend?"}, {"x": "yeah. it wasn't lily's boyfriend.", "y": "what? who was he?"}, {"x": "alright, see you guys later.", "y": "i'll walk you out."}, {"x": "i did not ted...", "y": "awesome! you're finally getting better."}, {"x": "this is the moment i've been waiting for. starting tonight, i'm gonna teach you how to live. ted, you're out of chance, marshall's in.", "y": "yes!"}, {"x": "yeah! it's like being in a candy store. you just walk right in and grab yourself some whoppers. yeah. is whoppers the best ones?", "y": "mounds."}, {"x": "milk duds.", "y": "gobstoppers."}, {"x": "um...", "y": "dubble bubbles."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "hey robin. marshall checked out your ass."}, {"x": "you've gotta hear this.", "y": "you will not believe what just happened."}, {"x": "you go first.", "y": "i find a 1939 penny on the subway. just imagine the history this little copper guy's seen..."}, {"x": "lily is back in town.", "y": "and you let me go first?! have you seen her?"}, {"x": "uh, yeah. i actually went apartment hunting with her today.", "y": "how is she doing?"}, {"x": "i'm dan. i'm a neurosurgeon. you are stunning, by the way.", "y": "oh, she's such a... godda... god! after what she did to marshall, she should come back here devastated. crawling over the broken glass of her own shame and regret."}, {"x": "you never chose sides. i respect that.", "y": "she's unbelievable! unbelievable!"}, {"x": "unbelievable? what's unbelievable?", "y": "uh, listen marshall..."}, {"x": "way to go.", "y": "ok, first of all, that is interesting. second, we have to tell him."}, {"x": "no, we don't. he's just starting to get better. going out with barney. how do you think he'll feel when he hears lily's moved on?", "y": "she's moved on?"}, {"x": "but i need the freedom to really chase my passion, which was painting but now, i think it's music, or spoken words. maybe both. god, isn't life amazing.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "she's miserable. she's realized she's made a huge mistake. her and marshall will be back together in a week, i love it!"}, {"x": "no, you just want lily to be miserable. the truth is she's happy.", "y": "trust me. i've known lily for nine years."}, {"x": "trust me, i'm a girl!", "y": "yeah. but you're canadian."}, {"x": "why do you always have to bring that up?", "y": "you're our weird neighbors!"}, {"x": "you bring it up every time...", "y": "no, alright. five bucks says she still wants marshall."}, {"x": "you're on.", "y": "five american bucks."}, {"x": "dammit! ok, so how do we get the truth out of her?", "y": "tequila. it's her weakness. three sh*ts, she tells you the truth about anything."}, {"x": "i'm not giving you...", "y": "terrific."}, {"x": "that is so good to hear.. oh, hold on. this could be about he apartment..", "y": "ok, we're way past truth-telling lily and about to hit cinco-de-mayo-1998 lily, and i'm not cleaning that up again. so, congratulations. you win, she's happy."}, {"x": "i didn't get it. that first apartment. i... i waited too long and somebody else got it..", "y": "interesting. wow lily, you, uh, seem to be having a pretty strong reaction to losing this apartment. i wonder is it because it reminds you of something you lost because you couldn't commit?"}, {"x": "for you, sir?", "y": "gravy."}, {"x": "you want that gravy on something?", "y": "surprise me."}, {"x": "what are you charpy about?", "y": "she's still drunk from last night."}, {"x": "i don't think so! whoo!", "y": "look, if you want marshall back so bad, how come it took you two days to ask about him?"}, {"x": "it was such an awful summer! i just wanted to get back here and see him.", "y": "but i thought your summer was great?!"}, {"x": "not exactly...", "y": "so all those interesting people you met on the bus...?"}, {"x": "i never got in touch because i was too embarrassed. i screwed everything up. i have no job, no place to live. i lost the love of my life. look, i know i have no right to ask this but do you think marshall would take me back?", "y": "in a heartbeat. if you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms."}, {"x": "wow. so, maybe i should call him?", "y": "maybe. no! this is... ooww... hold on. look. if you're gonna go back to him, i don't wanna hear the word \"maybe\". \"maybe\" cannot be in your vocabulary. this break-up almost k*lled him. and he cannot go through it again. so, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him."}, {"x": "i hate you more.", "y": "i'm going to k*ll him."}, {"x": "i can't say i blame you.", "y": "no, i mean i'm seriously going to k*ll him."}, {"x": "oh, i forgot to tell you, your cousin jimmy had a wonderful time at that spa he visited.", "y": "you mean the spa the judge ordered him to go to to quit cocaine?"}, {"x": "oh, thanks. it's kind of revealing, but i thought, \"hey, we're all family.\" right, bro? ooh, ah...", "y": "what's wrong?"}, {"x": "oh, hi.", "y": "hey, marshall."}, {"x": "smile!", "y": "i'm going to k*ll him."}, {"x": "i can't say i blame you.", "y": "no, i mean i'm seriously going to k*ll him."}, {"x": "uh... i'm here to meet your parents. they must be dying to meet me after all the legendary barney stories you've told them.", "y": "i haven't told them any legendary barney stories."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "barney, here is a list of all the things i talk with my dad about baseball."}, {"x": "but i'm your best friend.", "y": "well, actually marshall's my..."}, {"x": "i'm the most important person in your life.", "y": "well, robin's actually..."}, {"x": "oh, really? then i guess those shoes aren't the thing you're most wrong about today.", "y": "hey, mom. hey, dad."}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "i know you've all been excited to meet..."}, {"x": "barney stinson. an honor to meet the two of you. that needlepoint \"bless this mess\" pillow you made for ted - what a stitch. stitch! did that just happen?", "y": "uh, mom, dad, this is my girlfriend, robin."}, {"x": "well, lucky for you, i happen to know the head waitress, which is ironic because...", "y": "stop it! don't, don't!"}, {"x": "me, too.", "y": "yeah, i'm sure my folks are gonna want..."}, {"x": "i feel like i could knock back a few cervezas.", "y": "cervezas? did he fall?"}, {"x": "st. peter's, 845 a.m., it's my favorite service.", "y": "wait a minute. you're able to cross the threshold of a church?"}, {"x": "dude, i am sincerely ticked at your dad right now.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "i'm... oh..", "y": "my dad was your wingman? this is really messing with my head. barney, is... is my dad cool?"}, {"x": "i'm not done. so, your dad stays to finish his drink, but i take off because i have to be up early for mass with your mom.", "y": "sure."}, {"x": "anyway, i realize that i left my phone on the bar, so i come back...", "y": "oh, my god! is that really...? oh, my god!"}, {"x": "i know. can you believe your dad rack-jacked me like that?", "y": "my dad made out with wendy the waitress? he cheated on my mom? no, that's impossible."}, {"x": "ted, it's a well-known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.", "y": "do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use \"83%\"?"}, {"x": "you think i'm lying. well, have you done any surveys on the subject? because the good people at www.swingers.open-marriage-is-natural-l ... lygamy.org have, and they beg to differ.", "y": "that's not a real web site."}, {"x": "oh, and i suppose i didn't get a real t-shirt for running in their 10k.", "y": "hi, dad."}, {"x": "hey, ted. barney!", "y": "enjoying your vacation so far?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah.", "y": "uh, listen, can i speak to you outside for a sec?"}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "so you went out with barney last night?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "you have a good time?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah, yeah. sorry you couldn't join us.", "y": "yeah. so..."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "well..."}, {"x": "well what?", "y": "you think cerrano's got a sh*t at the rbi title?"}, {"x": "robin...!", "y": "one last thing about my mom. she grills every single one of my girlfriends about when we're gonna get married and have kids."}, {"x": "but this is the first time she's meeting me.", "y": "doesn't matter. and you'll know it's coming when she mentions my cousin stacy six kids in five years. the woman's basically a ride at a water park."}, {"x": "but i don't want to get married and have kids. what am i supposed to say?", "y": "you know what? you're an adult with perfectly valid opinions. you shouldn't have to apologize for them."}, {"x": "i'm gonna lie.", "y": "i would."}, {"x": "i talked to aunt caroline the other day. stacy's pregnant again.", "y": "oh, good for her."}, {"x": "ooh, a piano!", "y": "you lucked out with my mom last night, huh? what a relief, right?"}, {"x": "oh, absolutely. whew, what a relief it is to know i'm the one girlfriend your mom doesn't want you to have kids with.", "y": "hooray?"}, {"x": "i mean, did she really think that your college girlfriend cheryl would pop out attractive children? 'cause i've seen pictures, and, i'm sorry, that girl had a brow ridge like a caveman.", "y": "come on, she was just frowning under direct light. and besides, that's not even what i liked about her. it was her... it's not important."}, {"x": "oh, no, what'd you fight about?.", "y": "a few months ago, my architecture firm was approached to design this new building..."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "well, all skyscrapers kind of look like a...", "y": "marshall, it's a 78-story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front."}, {"x": "had to.", "y": "it's a travesty. it's gonna define the skyline of the city. if it was me, i could've designed something amazing. instead, i'm spending 12 hours a day designing the cornices."}, {"x": "yeah, you did.", "y": "that wasn't one."}, {"x": "the thing is, ted has been literally complaining about work nonstop for weeks. so, when i came over today, i was kind of done.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "how was your day?"}, {"x": "good.", "y": "wow, you're a great interviewer. aren't you gonna ask how my day was?"}, {"x": "no, i know how it was. it was awful. ooh, you want to rent a movie tonight?", "y": "you know, um... i listen to your work stories all the time."}, {"x": "what i don't do is tell you the same story over and over again. i mean, you wouldn't watch the same movie over and over again, would you? maybe a great movie like die hard. but field of dreams? once is more than enough.", "y": "so that's your go-to bad movie? the number one example on the tip of your tongue of a bad movie is field of dreams?"}, {"x": "what the hell comes before \"q\"?", "y": "then at the end of the movie when he has a catch with his dad, like... like he never did when he was young enough for it to matter."}, {"x": "well, love to join you at that one. but i got tickets to foxy boxing.", "y": "i wish i could join you guys, but i got to get back to my apparently boring job."}, {"x": "your job's not boring.", "y": "robin thinks so."}, {"x": "dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. think about it, you create something out of nothing. you're like god. there's nobody hotter than god.", "y": "i love it when you quote scripture."}, {"x": "i'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies.", "y": "okay, first of all, i have a girlfriend. second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. and, third, i can't imagine that working on anyone ever."}, {"x": "wait up, i'll leave with you guys. \"ted mosby, architect\". trust me.", "y": "hey, just out of curiosity. if a guy told you he was an architect, what would you think of that?"}, {"x": "are you kidding? architects are hot. how do you think mr. brady scored a babe like carol?", "y": "solid point. she did have hair of gold."}, {"x": "yes, she did.", "y": "mm-hmm."}, {"x": "and what made you decide you wanted to become an architect?", "y": "well, you know, soul of an artist, hands of a master craftsman. it was inevitable, i guess."}, {"x": "i bet you can draw, can't you? you should draw me.", "y": "well, i could try, but you might end up looking like a midcentury tri-level. hey, if you want, my friend marshall invited me to this party we could all go to. marshall's great. he's just a lawyer, but somebody has to push the paper around for us creative types. am i right?"}, {"x": "you mean ted mosby, the architect? man, what a visionary. yeah, they were here.", "y": "awards are nice, they look good on my shelf. but none of that acclaim means anything compared to the joy of seeing the sun rise over your first building."}, {"x": "wow. i would love to watch the sun rise with you.", "y": "i know you would. it's the job."}, {"x": "yes, that's the young lady.", "y": "hell, yeah. i love clubs. i mean, i was going to design a cathedral tonight, kind of take a whack at the whole relationship between god and man conundrum. but sure, let's go dancing."}, {"x": "yay!", "y": "wait, let me just check with my friend."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "hey, marshall. you up for some super loud, repetitive music that hasn't changed since the mid-90s?"}, {"x": "um... only always.", "y": "let's go."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, he was here.", "y": "and then i was all, \"no, frank gehry, you're on your own this time.\" and that, my dear, was the end of that hack's career."}, {"x": "i live across the street.", "y": "that is one hell of a non sequitur."}, {"x": "you want to come over?", "y": "well, i don't know. but i suppose i should at least give you a ride home. hop on."}, {"x": "dude, dude, what are you doing?", "y": "galloping."}, {"x": "aren't you a little worried that a certain somebody might find out that you're doing this? this isn't you, ted.", "y": "it is tonight. whoo!"}, {"x": "how do you think mr. brady scored a babe like carol?", "y": "solid point. and she did have hair of gold."}, {"x": "sorry, i forgot my binocs for foxy boxing. whoo, looks like things just got a little foxier right here.", "y": "yes, they did. and you're just in time. girls, i got to go, but i'm leaving you in very good, if slightly sullied hands."}, {"x": "yeah, stay", "y": "excuse us for one second. okay, you were right - the architect thing totally works. but i've got a girlfriend and i've got to get back to work. this project is getting harder and harder."}, {"x": "yeah, you did.", "y": "yeah, had to. see ya."}, {"x": "welcome to my new home.", "y": "oh, wow, lily, this is... oh, this is all of it."}, {"x": "yeah,i know it's small, but it's got character. thank you. and i am learning lithuanian from my neighbors. they're great. they're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. it's nice.", "y": "hey,is that a toilet in your kitchen?"}, {"x": "oh, that's not just a stove. that's a stovenkerator a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. stovenkerator. isn't that futuristic?", "y": "god,i hope not. hey, cool murphy bed."}, {"x": "oh! you know what? i bet sleeping at this angle is good for you. for some reason.", "y": "hold on, i got it."}, {"x": "hey, let's break out the fruit basket. hey, who ate all the...? aaaaaah!", "y": "okay, we have to get lily out of that apartment. her roommate is a raccoon."}, {"x": "i'd offer her my place, but i've got dogs and she's allergic.", "y": "dogs? i live with her ex-boyfriend. i think she's a little more allergic to that."}, {"x": "absolutely not.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "damn! i got these tickets like months ago for me and lily and now i can't find anyone to go with me. this is what i miss about being in a couple. i always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. god, i miss brunch!", "y": "well, i guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone."}, {"x": "oh, the popover pantry! that place is great. can we go get brunch tomorrow?", "y": "of course, sweetie."}, {"x": "can i go with you guys?", "y": "really? for brunch?"}, {"x": "ted gave me your spare key.", "y": "spare key! brilliant!"}, {"x": "yeah. that doesn't go away.", "y": "hey, where have you been?"}, {"x": "the alanis morissette concert.", "y": "by yourself?"}, {"x": "what? kara broke up with you? i'm sorry,man. that sucks. brad,do you like brunch?", "y": "you invited him to brunch?"}, {"x": "yeah, i invited him to brunch. why? is that weird?", "y": "yes. that's why i was all \"you invited him to brunch?\""}, {"x": "why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?", "y": "because brunch is kind of..."}, {"x": "girly? breakfast isn't girly. lunch isn't girly. what makes brunch girly?", "y": "i don't know. there's nothing girly about a horse, nothing girly about a horn, but put them together and you get a unicorn."}, {"x": "i'll take it.", "y": "mamma mia!?"}, {"x": "mamma mia!. you know what? it's supposed to be a great musical, okay? it won all sorts of tonies and stuff.", "y": "no, totally. it sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date."}, {"x": "it is not a date,okay. it's just two bros taking in a broadway show.", "y": "you bros going to get dinner beforehand?"}, {"x": "we might grab a steak, yeah.", "y": "where at?"}, {"x": "all right, you know what? you two are just threatened because i'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. well, guess what? it's my territory now. i'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. that's right. brad and i are taking back broadway.", "y": "what are you going to wear?"}, {"x": "what did you have in mind?", "y": "hey,you're home. i didn't think we'd be seeing you until tomorrow morning."}, {"x": "bro. you got some chocolate on your chin. still there. i'll get that bad boy.", "y": "woah!"}, {"x": "you want me to go to a wedding with you?", "y": "okay, that's not too bad. two single guys on the prowl. it'll be like \"wedding crashers\"."}, {"x": "yeah,the wedding's at this awesome b&b. kara and i used to go there. anyway, there is one room left,and we got it. walt whitman suite, bro.", "y": "you said no, right?"}, {"x": "that's great! you know, uh, they're registered at pottery barn. i figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat.", "y": "i'm sorry. it's not funny anymore."}, {"x": "damn you,brunch! this guy's crazy, right?", "y": "look,i don't think he's crazy. i just think he's suffering from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. and unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch."}, {"x": "you're right. you're right. i promised brad i would go to the wedding with him,and then that is it.", "y": "good man."}, {"x": "her newest lifelong dream? singing in a punk rock band.", "y": "what is she doing for money through all this?"}, {"x": "oh, she's been waiting tables at big wave luau.", "y": "wait, you mean that hawaiian place where they wear those embarrassing outfits?"}, {"x": "what do you want?", "y": "i don't think that's how you're supposed to greet a customer at big wave luau."}, {"x": "i didn't catch your name. did you guys catch her name?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "my name is anuhea. it means cool and fragrant,much like any of our 12 specialty drinks.", "y": "robin, nothing to add?"}, {"x": "i've never need the beer more than i do right now.", "y": "i thought you said your semester was gonna be a piece of cake. i remember because you were eating a piece of cake at the time and you said, \"dude, my semester is gonna be this.\""}, {"x": "a cougar. an older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man.", "y": "what's a woman in her 60s or 70s? a turtle?"}, {"x": "ted, didn't you tell me they need a new assistant in your office?", "y": "yeah. somebody did just quit."}, {"x": "dude, that is cold-blooded.", "y": "it was an honest mistake. look, when somebody opens up a container with an entire chicken in it, it's okay to assume they made lunch for everyone."}, {"x": "ted, that girl didn't quit. you destroyed her.", "y": "it was an whole chicken. and did i mention she had 12 sides?"}, {"x": "oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. real classy, ted.", "y": "so, lily, what do you say? do you want the job?"}, {"x": "what would i be doing?", "y": "basically, you're sort of a general office assistant."}, {"x": "oh, right, is that the...?", "y": "yeah. here's the model."}, {"x": "you weren't kidding. it really does look like a giant penis.", "y": "i know. for whatever reason, mr. druthers just doesn't see it."}, {"x": "how can he not see it? i mean there's the...", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "and the way it...", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "and the two little...", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "spectacular? why, thank you.", "y": "lily, this is mr. druthers, the head architect on the project. lily's going to be our new office assistant."}, {"x": "isn't it? ted, i looked at your design for the penthouse balcony. tell me, do you want to be an architect?", "y": "i, uh... i am an architect."}, {"x": "really? well, my six-year-old nephew plays with legos. is he an architect?", "y": "well, not unless he somehow passed all his licensing exams."}, {"x": "ted, you've got promise. but you have to study what i do more carefully. now i want you to design some styrofoam trees for the building model. think you can handle that?", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "so you're going to design the...", "y": "styrofoam trees."}, {"x": "once again, with feeling.", "y": "styrofoam trees."}, {"x": "styrofoam trees!", "y": "styrofoam trees!"}, {"x": "i can't believe how mr. druthers treats people. and that building? talk about overcompensating.", "y": "he's not usually this bad. it's just that the partners have made it very clear this project is make or break for us, so lately he's been a little testy. you know what i mean crotchety. i'm just saying it's been hard on him.. all right stop."}, {"x": "did you show lily your design?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "what design?", "y": "it's nothing."}, {"x": "ted, you should pitch your building to druthers.", "y": "are you kidding? he's hammond druthers. he's a legend. i'm just part of his team. this building is huge for the firm, so it's really important we don't blow it. all right, enough!"}, {"x": "mr. druthers asked if you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own. then he stared at me until i laughed.", "y": "okay, i'm done."}, {"x": "great. i'll put the paints away. you just go show him.", "y": "great. thanks."}, {"x": "well, finally. i wondered whether you were making the trees or waiting for them to sprout on their own.", "y": "good one, sir. anyway, here they are."}, {"x": "too green.", "y": "too green?"}, {"x": "yes, the leaves should really be more of a natural brown color. almost brunette. and think bushier. i want this tower to rise from a thicket of wild, ungroomed, brunette shrubbery. can you picture it, ted?", "y": "i can't un-picture it."}, {"x": "good. oh, my god! it's gone!", "y": "what? what's gone?"}, {"x": "my baseball signed three times by pete rose.", "y": "well, it's got to be around here somewhere."}, {"x": "what do you think, ted, it just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away? somebody stole it.", "y": "well, um, i better get back to these styrofoam trees."}, {"x": "oh, who cares about the trees? it's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing.", "y": "inspiring as always, sir. lily? where's she put those paints?"}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey. um, lily, question for you. why did i find mr. druthers' baseball signed three times by pete rose in your desk drawer?"}, {"x": "that's easy. i took it.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "okay, i may have exaggerated that last one, but the point is, he was mean. and that's why i took away his ball.", "y": "what does his ball have to do with anything?"}, {"x": "hey, guys. what's going on?", "y": "lily stole my boss' baseball signed three times by pete rose."}, {"x": "why? was he being mean?", "y": "you know about this?"}, {"x": "i gave them to you for your birthday.", "y": "so i've been walking around in stolen khakis?"}, {"x": "i prefer to call them \"justice khakis.\"", "y": "that's not justice. it's shoplifting,and it's a crime."}, {"x": "so is being mean.", "y": "lily, your little system doesn't even make sense. in kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished. druthers just thinks someone stole his ball."}, {"x": "well, that's why i left a note.", "y": "a note?"}, {"x": "yeah. when he finds it, he'll understand why his ball was taken away, he'll stop being mean, and the office will be a nicer place to work. maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas.", "y": "look, lil, we're all tolerating this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having, with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny, but this is my career you're messing with."}, {"x": "oh, right. that. well, you had sex yesterday. i revised my syllabus for the spring semester.", "y": "when druthers goes to get his bagel, i'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back. if something goes wrong, yell out, \"who wants espresso?\" so i'll know he's coming. got it? okay, now give me the ball."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "what do you mean, no?"}, {"x": "i mean i stand by what i did, ted.", "y": "come on, lily. we're running out of time."}, {"x": "wow. looks like bye-bye, ipod.", "y": "give him his ball back right now. people are going to get fired."}, {"x": "no, they're not. it's just a tantrum, ted. i saw this in kindergarten all the time.", "y": "this isn't kindergarten. mr druthers is an adult, and he wants his ball back."}, {"x": "all right, i'll give it back if you show him your plans.", "y": "no. you'll give it back or you're fired."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, ted. i just can't do that.", "y": "then you're fired."}, {"x": "hurry up. clients will be here any moment. now, slide it closer to his chair. i want this thing to really smack him in the face.", "y": "mr. druthers, thank you again for understanding about lily."}, {"x": "oh. well, i pity her. i mean, to steal from my office and then write that slanderous note... you might say that lily was mentally deranged. you might say that, ted.", "y": "lily was mentally deranged."}, {"x": "you might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear.", "y": "lily was mentally deranged!"}, {"x": "well, hats off to your ladyfriends, but i'm not building it. we're done here.", "y": "wait! we have one more idea for you."}, {"x": "ted, what are you doing?", "y": "i have another design."}, {"x": "sit down, shut up right now.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "congrats, ted.", "y": "hey, thanks for telling me to stand up to druthers and pitch my idea. seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you."}, {"x": "oh. you know what, ted? that was very nice. you have earned these screws back. don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in.", "y": "hey, i'm project manager now, so, if you want your old job back..."}, {"x": "hanging out at a coffee place is not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.", "y": "man, what's that?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name. somebody has a crush on you."}, {"x": "right?", "y": "all right, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that. one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you. you should totally ask her out."}, {"x": "you think?", "y": "yeah, that's why you're not back with lily, right? so you can experience what it's like to be single."}, {"x": "well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? what if she writes it on all the cups?", "y": "mine says \"ted,\" no heart."}, {"x": "mine says... \"swarley.\" how'd they get \"swarley\" from \"barney\"? it's not even a name. who would ever be called \"swarley\"? oh, please don't start calling me \"swarley.\" this would never happen at a bar!", "y": "man! what's up with swarley?"}, {"x": "i know. you almost never see old swarlz get that upset.", "y": "hey, guess what? oh, sorry."}, {"x": "it's only my mom. she's just rambling on like always. what happened?", "y": "marshall asked out a girl."}, {"x": "wow. well, if anything, that's dad's fault. that'll keep her going a while.", "y": "oh, of course, you know, he had a little help."}, {"x": "swarley hooked him up?", "y": "oh, good. you got my text."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "oh. no, it was me. i gave marshall one of my secrets."}, {"x": "nothing. i don't think she heard me. it's pretty busy up there.", "y": "what? you gave her the look right? head down, eyes looking up, hands in pockets, shoulders up, head slightly tilted, conveying shy vulnerability."}, {"x": "i love that look. i think i slept with you because of that look. and it's fake?", "y": "oh, and you biting your lower lip, shyly looking away and thrusting your chest out is natural?"}, {"x": "yeah, i hear you.", "y": "hey!"}, {"x": "hey, guys. are you free tomorrow night? i was thinking of having a wine tasting slash \"help me catch the rat in my apartment\" party.", "y": "that's a great idea. you can put out cheese for both."}, {"x": "i should invite marshall, right? it'd be weird if i didn't.", "y": "yeah, i don't think he can go."}, {"x": "oh. well... good for him.", "y": "really? you're okay with it?"}, {"x": "oh, sh**t. that's hilarious, mom. didn't even notice.", "y": "hey, dude, by the way, i really like that suit. tell me about the fabric. is it foreign or something?"}, {"x": "wow. it is foreign. i'm impressed, ted. it's moroccan, actually.", "y": "whoa."}, {"x": "swarley!", "y": "yeah, i know he's there. it's really important. could you ask again?"}, {"x": "uh... hey, i'd like you guys to officially meet chloe.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "dude, you gotta ditch her.", "y": "obviously."}, {"x": "she's got the crazy eyes.", "y": "dude. the eyes. they're crazy."}, {"x": "it's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.", "y": "no. just pupils."}, {"x": "she does not have the crazy eyes.", "y": "you just can't see it because you're afflicted with \"haven't been laid in a while\" blindness."}, {"x": "hey, i'd like you guys to officially meet chloe.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "great. it'll be you, me and mr. weasels.", "y": "so, did you do it?"}, {"x": "no. it ended up being just a twosome with the third one watching from a chair.", "y": "which one were you?"}, {"x": "i'd rather not say.", "y": "look, there was a time i didn't believe in the crazy eyes either, and then i met jeanine. she had serious crazy eyes. i told myself i was just imagining it, but then..."}, {"x": "no. pfft. not at all.", "y": "so, she's needy crazy. that's one of the worst kinds."}, {"x": "you all done with that, ted?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "ned. i told you to call him ned.", "y": "that's just sad."}, {"x": "uh, swarley.", "y": "hey, guys."}, {"x": "hey. where's marshall?", "y": "oh, he's getting a haircut."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i just wanted to listen to a little music, that's all."}, {"x": "are you kidding? i want you to call me that.", "y": "do you really think this is gonna work?"}, {"x": "do i think what's gonna work? i'm just saying, i love my new name, so please only call me that from now on.", "y": "call you what?"}, {"x": "you know, that-that-that new name that you've been calling me.", "y": "say it."}, {"x": "why? you guys know what it is.", "y": "say the name."}, {"x": "no, i don't want to! i hate it! i hate it! it's not funny! it's never been funny! i've never done any... no!", "y": "man, he is really gonna lose it when all the magazine subscriptions start coming in."}, {"x": "hey, where's the picture of marshall and me at the pier? didn't it used to be by that window?", "y": "oh, yeah, he, uh, he sort of took it down when you left. put it behind some books, i think."}, {"x": "oh, well-well, maybe i should put it back up.", "y": "why, so chloe'll see it and get scared off?"}, {"x": "i've missed you so much.", "y": "okay, i ran it by the group, and we decided we're gonna give you a choice. we will agree to stop calling you swarley, but instead, we'll call you jennifer. well?"}, {"x": "i'm thinking. how about this? on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, you...", "y": "hey! look at this."}, {"x": "roland? your name's roland. that's funny, right? rock and roland. warsaw is the capital of what? roland. you're monica roland-ski. hey, yeah, that's just how i roland.", "y": "nice try, swarley."}, {"x": "yeah!", "y": "you guys are eloping! oh, that's fantastic. wait, is this because there's a time crunch uncle ted should know about?"}, {"x": "i hope not because i plan on getting hammered.", "y": "guys, this sounds like so much fun, but i can't really take off work. i'm kind of important around here, you know? i'm the project manager."}, {"x": "ted, for the rest of our lives, we are going to be telling the amazing story of how we went to atlantic city and got married. don't you want to be in that story?", "y": "of course i do. let's go to atlantic city!"}, {"x": "yeah!", "y": "oh, but when we tell the story, can you leave out the part where i hesitate?"}, {"x": "hey, guys.", "y": "wow. a pedicure."}, {"x": "ah, a.c., always in decline, never hitting bottom. it's good to be back, old friend.", "y": "you been here before?"}, {"x": "i'm going to get the bouquet. you guys get the veil. we'll meet in the chapel in 20 minutes. ready? break.", "y": "you guys want to go gamble?"}, {"x": "no, we got to go get the veil.", "y": "or we looked everywhere, and we couldn't find one."}, {"x": "no, you guys go ahead. i'm going to find the veil.", "y": "so this is it, right? the last 20 minutes of your single life. i'm proud of you, buddy."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "how are you feeling?"}, {"x": "great, a little nervous.", "y": "yeah? craps?"}, {"x": "not that nervous.", "y": "no, i mean do you want to play craps."}, {"x": "okay, i got the veil. she wasn't ready to be married. all right, let's talk bachelor party. are we thinking full-on strip club, or should we rent a room and have a private toy show?", "y": "what did you just say?"}, {"x": "you're not my best man.", "y": "right here."}, {"x": "you're not my best friend.", "y": "right here."}, {"x": "barney, i don't have any time for a bachelor party. i've got, like, 18 minutes.", "y": "18 minutes..."}, {"x": "and it took us exactly 18 minutes. we went to a strip club.", "y": "dude!"}, {"x": "okay, i'm here. right?", "y": "oh, god, the things people waste money on in atlantic city."}, {"x": "does it smell like strippers in here?", "y": "that's weird, right? marshall and lily are getting married!"}, {"x": "well, sure. in vegas, the casinos pump in oxygen. here, it looks like everyone brought their own.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "look, i don't know what to say, but if you guys don't want to book a wedding for monday or play a round of keno, i can't help you. thirty-five.", "y": "wait, i don't understand, people get married in atlantic city all the time."}, {"x": "have you been outside?", "y": "there is half an orca whale rotting not 20 feet from the cabana."}, {"x": "bright side the bachelor party continues!", "y": "yes! continues? you mean \"start.\" he means \"start.\" we went to a strip club."}, {"x": "can't believe they're getting married.", "y": "i know. i am so proud of these two. after all they've been through. in fact, that crazy road has led them all the way here to atlantic city..."}, {"x": "ted, up here.", "y": "uhm?"}, {"x": "you were just staring at my shirt boobs.", "y": "no! i wasn't. i was checking out the hot body underneath the shirt. okay, look, maybe i was looking at your shirt, but it's a, it's a funny, funny shirt."}, {"x": "see you.", "y": "what the hell was that?"}, {"x": "vultures.", "y": "psst."}, {"x": "what? here?", "y": "yeah. got a little time to k*ll."}, {"x": "oh, my god, it's the t-shirt, isn't it?", "y": "no. a little."}, {"x": "something is seriously wrong with you.", "y": "so what, is that a no?"}, {"x": "all right, let's do it.", "y": "all right. um, also...?"}, {"x": "yes, i'll leave it on.", "y": "sweet."}, {"x": "they broke up over the summer. lily totally ran off to san francisco and these two just had sex in the closet. what? we're under oath.", "y": "no, we're not."}, {"x": "yeah, we are. he's a judge.", "y": "wh-- did we take an oath? do you even know what an oath is?"}, {"x": "except international waters. so let's find a ship captain. a ship captain can marry us. there's boats all over this place.", "y": "oh, is that what those wooden things are floating between the garbage?"}, {"x": "no, let me.", "y": "blackjack?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "yeah. first guy we talked to. ship captain. how great is that?"}, {"x": "i can get us that money.", "y": "how?"}, {"x": "have you noticed that all day today chinese guys have been coming up and saying hi to me?", "y": "yes. have you noticed i haven't asked about it because i'm too scared of the answer?"}, {"x": "do you understand what's happening?", "y": "not a clue."}, {"x": "do you think he's winning?", "y": "i don't even know if he's playing."}, {"x": "wait, i get it. i understand this game.", "y": "no, you don't."}, {"x": "did you guys see me? i was on fire tonight. man, i can't wait to get back to the shore. god, i love gambling!", "y": "when we get home, we're gonna go to a little meeting. okay?"}, {"x": "and then there was derek and counting you, that puts the total up to...", "y": "oh, i got your total...counting along..."}, {"x": "and some are just weird.", "y": "you're scared of the seven dwarfs?"}, {"x": "oh, it's at a mall? i'm not going.", "y": "what? why not?"}, {"x": "no, i'm really not gonna go.", "y": "come on, it'll be fun."}, {"x": "i'd rather not say.", "y": "guys, guys, guys, robin doesn't like malls. if she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. i think we should all just respect her privacy."}, {"x": "thanks ted.", "y": "so, what's the deal with you and malls?"}, {"x": "you said if i didn't want to talk about it, i didn't have to.", "y": "yeah, with those people. i'm your boyfriend. come on, what is it? did you get arrested in a mall?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "dumped in a mall?"}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "found out you were canadian at a mall?"}, {"x": "let it go.", "y": "trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? robin let it go."}, {"x": "let it go. and who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? ted not me in ohio when i was nine, that's for sure.", "y": "what, i don't get it, why won't robin tell me why she hates malls?"}, {"x": "so, trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.", "y": "i disagree. if there's some potential 'oh' moment, i want to know about it right away. i mean, what's the alternative?"}, {"x": "i now pronounce you man and wife.", "y": "i love you."}, {"x": "you are such a cutie pie. here's a quarter, go play something on the jukebox.", "y": "it's true. they tell each other everything."}, {"x": "i'm not afraid of sasquatch. i just think we should all be on alert.", "y": "trust me, not only do they tell each other everything. they want to know everything."}, {"x": "fine, do you want to know what robin's secret is?", "y": "you know?"}, {"x": "of course i know. she couldn't look at us. her face got flushed. that's shame. our friend, robin, used to do p*rn, wait for it, ography.", "y": "yeah, we didn't really have to wait for that. and it's ridiculous."}, {"x": "i don't know, he could be right. she does have the fake orgasm noises down.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "what? the walls are thin.", "y": "that's not what i'm hey-ing you about."}, {"x": "you know what it might be. this is gonna sound a little crazy but what if robin's married?", "y": "married? what does have to do with the mall?"}, {"x": "just meet with the guy.", "y": "she's not married. robin hates marriage."}, {"x": "no, because before robin moved to new york, she...what was she doing?", "y": "well, i don't know, whenever i ask her about canada, she kinda clams up."}, {"x": "they speak french there too? god! that place is a mess.", "y": "so, you don't think there's any friend from canada?"}, {"x": "guys, there's not way robin's married. it's ludicrous to even suggest it.", "y": "thank you barney."}, {"x": "'cause it's p*rn.", "y": "i need another beer."}, {"x": "i got it. the ultimate wager. slap bet.", "y": "oh, slap bet. we used to do those when i was a kid."}, {"x": "and your tombstone will read, \"got slapped by marshall so hard, he d*ed.\"", "y": "all right, what if i ask robin point-blank if she has a husband?"}, {"x": "you said you would respect her privacy so maybe you should just drop it.", "y": "yeah, you're right."}, {"x": "there's no 'p' in husband.", "y": "wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands."}, {"x": "huh.", "y": "i told him he's crazy because he's crazy, right? i mean, how crazy is that?"}, {"x": "ted, i don't understand why you can't...", "y": "just say, \"no, i'm not married.\""}, {"x": "i can't. marshall's right. i was young and i got married. it was a mistake and he moved away, but, yeah, i'm married.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "he moved to hong kong for work and i was like, good enough.", "y": "good... good enough. that's not good enough. you order pancakes and you get waffles, that's good enough."}, {"x": "i haven't seen him in years. it's just a part of my life i wanna forget. just please don't tell anyone about this.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "i can't believe you told us robin's secret.", "y": "how can i keep something like that to myself? and you begged me to tell you."}, {"x": "please tell us, just tell us. i'm begging you. tell us, tell us, tell us, please, please, please, please, please.", "y": "fine, robin's married."}, {"x": "yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. i mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?", "y": "see, that's just it. i'm not the boyfriend, i'm the mistress. no, not the mistress. the mastress. master. what do you call it?"}, {"x": "i'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress.", "y": "what am i gonna do? my girlfriend's married. do i ask her to get a divorce?"}, {"x": "ted, even if she is married, it's a canadian marriage. it's like their money or their army. nobody takes it seriously.", "y": "it's serious to me."}, {"x": "canadian p*rn. trust me when i tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. if i have to sit through one more flat-chested nova scotian riding a mountie on the back of a zamboni, i'll go \"oat\" of my mind.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey. listen, dude, i gotta talk to you, but you gotta promise me that you won't tell barney.", "y": "fine, i won't tell barney. what is it?"}, {"x": "robin's not married.", "y": "what? then, why would she tell me she was?"}, {"x": "i don't know but i cross-checked every record in canada. there's no record of her ever being married.", "y": "there must be some mistake."}, {"x": "i promise you, she's not married. she's not great at parking legally either.", "y": "so, she lied to me? what, what am i gonna do? i can't confront her 'cause then she'll know i told you."}, {"x": "you gotta lawyer her. you gotta ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes to get a confession out of her.", "y": "thanks for telling me your secret. it means so much to me that you could be so, what's the word i'm looking for, honest."}, {"x": "thanks ted.", "y": "yeah, you know what's probably the best part about your honesty? how truthful it is."}, {"x": "i say we just move on.", "y": "in order for me to get total closure on this whole my-girlfriend-has-a-husband thing, i think i'm gonna need a little bit more information. like, what month did you get married? robin june. we had a june wedding."}, {"x": "um...", "y": "whoa. it's weird that you don't remember."}, {"x": "no, i just didn't know how to answer because we did butlered hors deouvres in the atrium, but the actual dinner was a buffet in the food court featuring a filet mignon or roasted potato-crusted salmon with a lobster scallion ber blanc.", "y": "hm. band of dj?"}, {"x": "string quartet played at the ceremony, but for the actual reception we had a seven-piece band. we paid extra for the sax 'cause i just love that smooth alto sound.", "y": "how many bridesmaids? robin seven."}, {"x": "dusty rose and sienna.", "y": "husband's name?"}, {"x": "um.", "y": "you were never married."}, {"x": "yes i was.", "y": "no you weren't."}, {"x": "how do you know?", "y": "i looked it up at the library."}, {"x": "what library?", "y": "the one on 5th."}, {"x": "when did you go?", "y": "today at lunch. and i had a an apple brie panini with potato salad...."}, {"x": "i'm not questioning the lunch part, ted. what database did you use?", "y": "i used the canadian mall marriage 6000."}, {"x": "you told marshall?", "y": "you lied to me!"}, {"x": "see, this is why i don't tell people secrets. you were supposed to be the one person i trusted the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.", "y": "but it was a fake secret."}, {"x": "yeah, i was testing you and you failed, and now you're never gonna know why i never go to the mall. and it's good too.", "y": "testing me, that's insane."}, {"x": "oh yeah, how long did it take for you to tell marshall my biggest secret in the world?", "y": "that wasn't a real secret."}, {"x": "yeah, but it could have been.", "y": "you are driving me crazy. no wonder your fake husband moved to hong kong."}, {"x": "okay. all-night rave, abandoned tire factory in newark. we're on the list. who's in?", "y": "- nope."}, {"x": "private jet. teeterboro airport, skinny-skydiving. who's in?", "y": "- nope."}, {"x": "that's what i just said.", "y": "well, barney and his brother aren't exactly alike. james is gay."}, {"x": "really? i never in a million years would i picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome.", "y": "yeah. i just wanted you to have a heads up, so you don't act all surprised when he gets here."}, {"x": "how in god's name did it never come up that barney has a gay, black brother?", "y": "is he black? i guess i'm the kind of person that focuses on who people are on the inside rather than the color of their skin. i'm kidding, i just wanted to see your face."}, {"x": "guys, \"gimme five\" is back!", "y": "oh, james, this is my girlfriend, robin."}, {"x": "- no, james, i ate chocolate ice cream. but i did drink tons of coffee when i was pregnant with both of you. can't smoke without my coffee.", "y": "so what are you guys gonna do tonight?"}, {"x": "i'll tell you what james is gonna do. he's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. and, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did. ted... james is my wingman now.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "you guys are still going out with us tonight, right?", "y": "- no."}, {"x": "whatever, you guys have no idea what it's like to be on the receiving end.", "y": "\"oh, poor me. i'm a pretty girl and everybody everywhere wants to buy me drinks and have sex with me.\" waa."}, {"x": "\"oh, poor me. i get to order yummy, pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like, but can't order because they'll be made fun of.\"", "y": "- dude."}, {"x": "yeah, he's turning down sh*ts, he's yawning, he's whining about his feet. he's as bad as we are.", "y": "he is. wait, he's exactly as bad as we are. you guys don't think that james is... in a relationship?"}, {"x": "look at that. he's texting!", "y": "oh, my god! he is in a couple."}, {"x": "no. i mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean.", "y": "we have reason to believe that james is, uh, maybe hiding something from you. i-i know you're not gonna like hearing this, but... barney... your brother is...monogamous."}, {"x": "clam bake. staten island. who's in? okay, i didn't have high hopes for that one. okay, here's my thing. if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. that's how it works. they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. like now everyone gets manicures.", "y": "i don't get manicures."}, {"x": "yeah. like things haven't changed with you people.", "y": "look, my sister married a guy i didn't like. sandals and socks--come on, buddy. but i took her out, we celebrated. it was the right thing to do. you got to support him."}, {"x": "whatever. how 'bout you?", "y": "oh, i'm straight, too. but i thank you for your time, and i appreciate your interest in my body."}, {"x": "- whoo! thank you.", "y": "- thank you!"}, {"x": "- we're hot.", "y": "- totally."}, {"x": "i just never thought i'd see barney so vulnerable.", "y": "well, i guess no one wants to feel like they're going through the world alone."}, {"x": "ooh, i know what i want to be in the middle of. thoughts?", "y": "god, can't two straight guys come to a gay dance club, enjoy some techno and good conversation without being bothered?"}, {"x": "that's like the eighth guy who's hit on us in ten minutes. it's like, hello,", "y": "and it's never the hot ones. it's always the losers. bums me out!"}, {"x": "whoa. it's 900. we should be getting back. you guys want to split a cab?", "y": "uh, no, i think i'm gonna stay a little bit longer."}, {"x": "okay, i have one last paper due at 500 p.m. today, so until then, i will be at the law library at school, but i'm not to be disturbed for any reason.", "y": "dude, open your eyes. you're going to hurt yourself."}, {"x": "hey, look. our old answering machine.", "y": "oh, yeah. after you left, we, uh, we unplugged it because it reminded marshall of how you used to, you know, leave messages. but hey, you guys are back together. i say we're plugging it back in. it's good to have you back."}, {"x": "hey ted, it's dad calling to check in. i'm going fishing this", "y": "yes, same clint."}, {"x": "i'm... a what?", "y": "i-- that was barney, that was barney."}, {"x": "that was you, ted.", "y": "that was marshall."}, {"x": "marshall left a message for marshall?", "y": "you know, it may have been me, but it was so long ago. man, that machine, it really garbles your voice.you know, it almost made it sound like i said..."}, {"x": "she was perfect. i lost the perfect woman. i should have knocked her up when i had the chance.", "y": "okay. that's it. you're never going to get over her until you stop putting her on a pedestal. so no more ice cream until you tell me one thing that's wrong with lily."}, {"x": "there's only one of her?", "y": "okay. she called off your wedding and dumped you to be a painter in san francisco. what do you call that?"}, {"x": "fiercely independent? brave? i guess it was a little selfish.", "y": "there you go."}, {"x": "she'd give it up for a bad pun. i'm telling you, she's a laugh slut.", "y": "remember that time we heard her laughing and we thought she was watching weekend at bernie's, but it turned out she was watching weekend at bernie's 2?"}, {"x": "yeah, and if she's such a great \"artist,\" why does she suck at pictionary? who draws a ninja star like a star of david? right, right?", "y": "yeah!"}, {"x": "another round!", "y": "i was trying to help him. i'm his best friend. that's the best friend's job."}, {"x": "the best friend's job is to call me that word?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "oh, ted. oh, teddy boy.", "y": "why is this such a big deal? it's just a word. we use lots of words, every day. it shouldn't be any different than any other word."}, {"x": "then why don't you say it now?", "y": "grinch. you timed that didn't you?"}, {"x": "well, at least you apologized. you apologized, didn't you?", "y": "oh, yeah. \"i'm sorry\" were the first words out of my mouth."}, {"x": "are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?", "y": "no!"}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "because, lily, this summer, you were kind of a grinch."}, {"x": "ted vivian mosby!", "y": "that's not my middle name."}, {"x": "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?", "y": "like you've never said that word."}, {"x": "i don't kiss your mother with my mouth. yet.", "y": "are you sick?"}, {"x": "is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?", "y": "no, i meant do you have a cold?"}, {"x": "i'm fine. i'm fine. my nose is just overflowing with awesome and i had to get some of it out. now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time when people are lonely and desperate. it's the most wonderful time of the year.", "y": "i should go apologize. it's christmas eve."}, {"x": "you know what? i am sick. sick of you telling me i'm sick. what up?", "y": "ahh... three flights of stairs, not a drop spilled. hey, buddy."}, {"x": "you sure this is gonna work?", "y": "yeah, this is our thing. in college, whenever i wanted to make up with her, i'd buy her a beer. cute, right?"}, {"x": "totally. plus free mug.", "y": "she took the decorations. she took the decorations! what a grinch!"}, {"x": "oh, robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing i like to call mind over body. you see, whenever i start feeling sick, i just stop being sick and be awesome instead. true story. yeah, in two minutes, i'm going to pound a sixer of red bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. it's gonna be legen... wait for it...", "y": "lily!"}, {"x": "merry christmas, assface.", "y": "um, lily? where are the christmas decorations?"}, {"x": "at my apartment.", "y": "you want to bring them back so we can celebrate christmas together-- please?"}, {"x": "ted, do you know what i would do if one of my kindergartners used that kind of language? i would be on the phone with their parents.", "y": "yeah, i'm not a kindergartner."}, {"x": "exactly. you know what that word means. you know that calling people names is mean and hurtful... assface.", "y": "lily, if you don't bring that stuff back right now, we..."}, {"x": "she's just mad. she'll cool down.", "y": "lily..."}, {"x": "don't forget to take the cookies out of the oven... assface!", "y": "damn it! i could be in cleveland right now making peppermint lager with my dad."}, {"x": "where are you going?", "y": "marshall gets home in three hours. he's gonna show up--no lily, no winter wonderland.i gotta get up to the bronx."}, {"x": "screw the paper, how's the winter wonderland? is it magical?", "y": "oh... so magical."}, {"x": "when you walk through the door, does it feel like you've been slapped in the face by christmas?", "y": "sure does. look, i gotta go."}, {"x": "come on, man, describe it! tell me about the decorations. is rudolph there? he is, isn't he? hi, rudolph!", "y": "ah, yeah, but, you know... decorations, is that really what christmas is about?"}, {"x": "hell, yeah! what else would it be about?", "y": "uh, try the birth of christ. you know, christmas-- christ mas, which means \"more christ\" to our spanish friends."}, {"x": "yeah, well, all i know is walking in that door and seeing the winter wonderland and seeing lily and all you guys, just... i can't wait.", "y": "right. i gotta go."}, {"x": "right. okay.oh, wait. ted, ted, ted, ted. one more thing. how about the cookies? are they delicious?", "y": "you know, honestly, they taste a little store-bought. oh! i got another call."}, {"x": "well, tell lily i love her.", "y": "right.- hello?"}, {"x": "ted evelyn mosby!", "y": "oh. uh, hey, mom. merry christmas."}, {"x": "i just got the most disturbing call from lily. how could you use such a horrible word?", "y": "oh, god, she called you?"}, {"x": "are you acting out because of the divorce? is-is this all about clint?", "y": "no, mom, why would it be about clint?"}, {"x": "hey, buddy, it's clint. how you doing, champ?", "y": "hey, clint. listen, um, i don't really have time to..."}, {"x": "who is this?", "y": "pizza delivery."}, {"x": "hey, you tricked me.", "y": "you really thought i was the pizza delivery guy?"}, {"x": "no, i knew it was you. i just thought you'd at least bring a pizza.", "y": "yeah, well, i brought a beer, but i gave it to a homeless guy. all right, he took it from me. now, will you please come home?"}, {"x": "no, i'm not spending christmas with you.", "y": "okay, i'm sorry for calling you a... that word, over the summer, and for saying it again today. and for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over. i had no right to say that. it was hurtful and immature and i'm sorry."}, {"x": "oh, shut up. you think i don't know your fake apologies by now, ted mosby? huh? you're clearly still mad at me.", "y": "i'm not mad at you."}, {"x": "yes, you are.", "y": "i am not mad at you, lily. now, can we please just..."}, {"x": "i've apologized to marshall and he's forgiven me and we've moved passed it. why can't you?", "y": "because you never apologized to me. marshall's not the only one you walked out on. you leave for three months, you don't even call. come on, lily, we're supposed to be friends!"}, {"x": "yeah, some friend, you called me a grinch.", "y": "you were a grinch!"}, {"x": "how can you...", "y": "grinchy, grinch, grinch, grinch, grinch, grinch, grinch."}, {"x": "happy? now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.", "y": "yeah, i'm sure god cares if i..."}, {"x": "that's my super. he lives above me. great. thanks to your filthy mouth, now i'm going to have christmas alone in the dark.", "y": "fine. i don't want to ruin christmas. you can have the apartment. don't worry about seeing me there i'll be in staten island with my cousin stacy. just.... merry christmas."}, {"x": "you're spending christmas eve with your family? baby, that sucks. i'm so sorry.", "y": "uh, they're fine. they're just... they're a little weird. you know they don't believe in gifts or christmas trees. and they think santa's how satan spells his name when he wants to trick us."}, {"x": "well, do you want me to go with you?", "y": "was that a sincere offer?"}, {"x": "first tell me your answer.", "y": "stay there. save yourself. we'll spend all day together tomorrow. okay. oh, how's barney feeling?"}, {"x": "you mean the whiney bottomless pit of neediness? he was bugging me, so i spiked his echinacea tea with codeine.", "y": "you're gonna be a great mom."}, {"x": "it's our first christmas since we got back together. i want to get her something really special. so i'm getting her a jukebox.", "y": "wow, that's a great gift."}, {"x": "not really. it's this big and it dispenses gum.", "y": "oh, man, i know something you could get her that would blow her mind. ready? eight years ago..."}, {"x": "when i was a kid, all i wanted was an easy bake oven. i begged and i begged, but all i got was a stupid lego set because my feminist mom didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles.", "y": "easy bake oven--that's what i'm going to call my van."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "okay, don't tell your mom, but i got you guys some presents."}, {"x": "like the gift of god's love?", "y": "no, dude, real presents."}, {"x": "uh, not you, charity. i meant the less fortunate. ted, how would you like to say grace tonight?", "y": "uh, you know what, why don't you say it. i really wouldn't know what to say."}, {"x": "why don't you recite your favorite passage of scripture.", "y": "that's a great idea, charity. but, really, i don't know. i mean how do you choose your favorite passage? it's the bible; there's so many... great ones... that one from pulp fiction's pretty cool. doorbell rings. ooh, i'll get it. charity, i'm tapping you in."}, {"x": "who is it, ted?", "y": "uh, it's... it's just, um, carolers. marshall starts singing. robin and barney follow."}, {"x": "i came here to apologize. i'm so sorry, ted.", "y": "i accept. give me the beer. it is so good to see you guys."}, {"x": "are you coming home?", "y": "totally. but first, lily, i owe you an apology."}, {"x": "oh, for the love of god, are you as sick of apologies as i am?", "y": "yes"}, {"x": "can we just skip the apology and go straight to the forgiving?", "y": "yes. and i promise, i will never ever call you a... you know, again."}, {"x": "that's okay. i was kind of a grinch.", "y": "nothing. it's something you shouldn't say."}, {"x": "i left something in the hallway.", "y": "where?"}, {"x": "right there.", "y": "got it."}, {"x": "oh, you don't want to kiss me, you'll get sick.", "y": "totally worth it."}, {"x": "good night.", "y": "good night."}, {"x": "wait, ted?", "y": "yeah?"}, {"x": "well, great, i'll see you then. bye, sweetie. hey. guess what? my sister katie is coming to visit next weekend. she gets in on thursday.", "y": "that's awesome. you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to take off work friday. we're gonna take her to the empire state building."}, {"x": "really? you'd do that?", "y": "of course. everyone should see the empire state building."}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "yeah?"}, {"x": "the next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months--that's when you guys are gonna break up, mark your calendars.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "speech to talk a girl out of having sex.", "y": "yeah, i don't have any of those."}, {"x": "that's why i need your help.", "y": "you guys are lucky you came here with an architect. empire state building fun"}, {"x": "no \"aw, remember cloves?\" this can't happen. she's my baby sister, okay? she should be watching the little mermaid and drinking yoohoo, and not having sex.", "y": "come on, you were only 16 when you had sex. i was 17."}, {"x": "we were 18.", "y": "barney was probably 12."}, {"x": "good one, ted. i was, uh, six... fourt... how old were you again?", "y": "17."}, {"x": "uh, dance.", "y": "dance?"}, {"x": "that's dirty dancing.", "y": "it was on last night."}, {"x": "oh, that's adorable.", "y": "yeah, tell her what happened next."}, {"x": "yeah. want to do it again?", "y": "please don't. end of flashback."}, {"x": "we said we were sorry.", "y": "yeah, well, then why'd you do it again?"}, {"x": "know what? i don't want to see the stupid empire state building anymore.", "y": "it's not stupid."}, {"x": "i, um...", "y": "okay, empire state building fun fact number 22 the empire state building has tons of places where people can have private conversations. you're off the hook, okay?"}, {"x": "just let me explain.", "y": "you don't have to explain anything. you don't have to say it-- it's fine."}, {"x": "okay, but if relationships are like a freeway, then saying... \"hm hm hm\" is like... getting into the carpool lane. and i don't want to take an exit, but... at the same time, i'm not ready to get into the carpool lane. because what's in the carpool lane? oh, it's a big diamond, and i'm just not ready to get...", "y": "okay, robin, robin, stop. it's no big deal, you don't have to say it."}, {"x": "it's just, it's a big thing to say to someone, and i don't want to say it too soon.", "y": "what, you mean like i did?"}, {"x": "no. i didn't... yeah, like you did. i mean, you have to admit it, ted, it was a little weird.", "y": "weird... or courageous?"}, {"x": "pretty sure weird. i mean, who gives it up on the first date?", "y": "well, come on, it shows i'm brave and bold, like a knight."}, {"x": "no, it shows that you're an i-love-you slut.", "y": "well, then you're an i-love-you prude. you know what? i take mine back."}, {"x": "you... what?", "y": "i take my \"i love you\" back."}, {"x": "you can't take it back.", "y": "nah. just did. got it right here. but, you know, i'm such a slut. i'm just gonna give it away. hey, you, sir. i love you."}, {"x": "that's not what i meant. i just wish you weren't in such a rush to grow up. please don't do this.", "y": "but, kids, later that night, katie did it, and she got pregnant... with quintuplets... and she lived out her days in a trailer park... where she d*ed an alcoholic. so the moral here, kids, don't have sex until you're married. maybe even, like, a year or two into marriage."}, {"x": "come on, what really happened?", "y": "all right, here's what really happened."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "she didn't do it.", "y": "hey, that's great! you got through to her."}, {"x": "no, i didn't. you did. she told me that you talked to her.", "y": "hey, katie."}, {"x": "hey. got another empire state building fun fact for me?", "y": "no. i wouldn't bore you with the seven million man-hours it took to build this 102-story testament to human will. so, you okay?"}, {"x": "i don't know what everyone is freaking out about. kyle, he's a really nice guy. he could've cheated on me with my lab partner gretchen gwynn, but he didn't. 'cause he said he knew i'd find out.", "y": "that's very gallant. well, i don't know what your sister's freaking out about, either. - i was your age my first time."}, {"x": "oh, really?", "y": "yeah, yeah. it was, uh, it was with this girl, molly."}, {"x": "i love you, ted.", "y": "oh, i love you, too, molly. but i didn't."}, {"x": "that was amazing.", "y": "look, i got to go."}, {"x": "where are you going?", "y": "my cousin got some firecrackers from mexico. we're going out to the woods to light 'em-- it's gonna be awesome."}, {"x": "well, will you call me?", "y": "yeah. yeah, i'll totally call you. but i didn't. molly?"}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "can i borrow 20 bucks? i'll totally pay you back but i didn't."}, {"x": "thanks for doing that.", "y": "you're welcome. i knew it meant a lot to you."}, {"x": "but, man, your story, i mean, it doesn't even sound like you.", "y": "yeah, well..."}, {"x": "oh, i love you, too, ted.", "y": "wow. that was amazing."}, {"x": "look, i got to go.", "y": "wh-where are you going?"}, {"x": "uh, my cousin got some firecrackers from mexico. we're going into the woods to light them. it's gonna be awesome.", "y": "will you call me?"}, {"x": "yeah. i'll totally call you. oh, ted?", "y": "yeah?"}, {"x": "that's stupid.", "y": "i... i can't believe you knocked over my model."}, {"x": "stairs?", "y": "did you see what he was wearing today? it was like his pants were being held up by his nipples."}, {"x": "yeah, and that shirt with the flowers, i get hay fever just looking at it.", "y": "hey, guys. what's so funny?"}, {"x": "nothing. um... nice shirt.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "oh, do whatever you want to me just don't wake me up.", "y": "dude, of course you should take the day off for the foo fighters concert. just say you're sick."}, {"x": "oh, wow, he must be really good-looking.", "y": "why would you say that?"}, {"x": "yeah, you gotta ask yourself, who's the boss?", "y": "tony."}, {"x": "so, what are you gonna do?", "y": "well... it's awkward, i mean, the guy used to be my boss. so, i went to talk to the managing partner."}, {"x": "fire him.", "y": "well, sir, i was thinking he could just be put on a different project."}, {"x": "fire him! he's an arrogant, washed-up, pain in the ass. in fact, fire everyone on that project. druthers, mosby, the whole lot of them.", "y": "mosby, sir? i, i... i hear mosby's doing some great work."}, {"x": "you mind if i charge my phone?", "y": "knock yourself out."}, {"x": "well, ted, if you do fire druthers, the key is timing. remember when i had to fire my makeup artist?", "y": "you know what? i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna fire druthers tomorrow."}, {"x": "oh, my god!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "do you know about this?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "only the greatest thing ever. wait, wait, wait-- that's not enough buildup. if they were to cure cancer tomorrow, this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week. okay. now you're ready for naked marshall.", "y": "oh, my god. this is awesome times awesome. it's awesome squared."}, {"x": "oh, sorry i'm late; lunch ran a little long. you wanted to see me, mosby?", "y": "uh, yeah, like four hours ago."}, {"x": "well, excuse me, for spending the last four hours drawing designs for your building.", "y": "this is a cocktail napkin. covered in profanity. look, hammond, um, there's no easy way to say this, so... why don't we just, um, step into your office."}, {"x": "so, you didn't fire him?", "y": "i can't fire a guy on his birthday. everyone would hate me. besides, they put a party hat on me. my authority was compromised."}, {"x": "oh, wow, a new dart.", "y": "hey, that new dart is great."}, {"x": "oh, yes, robin, i just love new dart. nude art.", "y": "nude art."}, {"x": "yo, why you gotta ruin my riddles?", "y": "field trip!"}, {"x": "easy, scherbatsky. finesse. i've got a five-year rollout plan. i'll have you know that painting's got commitments all over the city. then, after new york...", "y": "one of my worst fears has come true-- i just saw marshall grabbing himself naked. well, i gotta go. believe it or not, i have to go back to the office."}, {"x": "who's that? who's out there?", "y": "hammond, is that you?"}, {"x": "uh, look, just a second, ted.", "y": "uh, no, i, i really need to talk to you. look, there's no easy way to say... what, what are you doing?"}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i'm standing here wearing pants. are you sleeping here? what's going on?"}, {"x": "okay, fine, yes. not that it's any of your business but my wife had a little spat a few weeks ago, and i've been sleeping here until she cools off.", "y": "okay, well, uh, you're right-- that is none of my business. uh, look, there's no easy way to say this-- i..."}, {"x": "who am i kidding? she's never gonna take me back.", "y": "it's okay."}, {"x": "what did you want to say to me?", "y": "happy birthday, buddy. so, you've been living at the office?"}, {"x": "yes. i'm an architect without a home. you see the tragic irony in that?", "y": "yeah, i do."}, {"x": "cause i design homes.", "y": "i see it."}, {"x": "but i don't have a home.", "y": "not lost on me at all. but i don't understand, why don't you just go to a hotel? you could be sleeping on a mattress instead of... what appears to be torn-up drawings of my building."}, {"x": "why would i go to a hotel, when any second, she's going to call and tell me to come home. she's a very special lady, ted. she's quite... mannish. she gives me what i need. do you understand that?", "y": "uh, no, i don't."}, {"x": "if you were lost in the wilderness, she can provide for me.", "y": "well, that's the dream."}, {"x": "i'm glad you came here tonight, ted.", "y": "me too, hammond."}, {"x": "call me ham.", "y": "no, thanks."}, {"x": "hammy d?", "y": "no, i think just hammond."}, {"x": "so, i'm guessing you didn't fire him.", "y": "i was this close."}, {"x": "yeah!", "y": "that cabby would not shut up."}, {"x": "yeah, we should call him a gabby.", "y": "i think it, you say it."}, {"x": "hey, uh... thanks for putting me up last night, buddy. give 'em hell.", "y": "morning, team. so, i have given it some thought, and i say we revisit columns."}, {"x": "oh, god, not this again. ted, a man in a toga just arrived and delivered a parchment. let me read it oh! it's from ancient greece. they want their basic architectural elements back. geez.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you didn't hear me? toga, parchment...", "y": "can i see you for one second?"}, {"x": "ooh, i'm in trouble now.", "y": "what are you doing? i thought we were friends. you slept on my couch, you ate my cereal. i tossed you more toilet paper."}, {"x": "we are friends. but that doesn't magically make your bad ideas good.", "y": "what? i don't believe this! you're, you're, you're wearing my clothes! and my"}, {"x": "come on, ted, listen, why don't we get back and finish drawing the plans for a building which, in my opinion, is never going to get built, so you and i can get out of here and grab a couple of beers.", "y": "no. look, hammond, there's no easy way to say this but..."}, {"x": "these are divorce papers. you've been served.", "y": "oh, god."}, {"x": "she's really going through with this. so that's it. it's over.", "y": "there is no easy way to say this, but..."}, {"x": "she's giving me the remains of wolfie? my dog is dead? oh, my god. i can't believe this. she always played too rough with him.", "y": "believe me, there is no easy way to say this..."}, {"x": "# happy birthday to you... #", "y": "you've got to be kidding me!"}, {"x": "guys, you have no idea how much this means to me right now.", "y": "wait, his birthday was yesterday!"}, {"x": "yeah, but a bunch of us were up at the conference in montreal, so we thought...", "y": "no! no birthday! no! i got something to say and i'm gonna get it out. hammond, listen to me. i am sorry that your dog d*ed, and that your wife is divorcing you and that... your life is falling apart and that these guys missed your birthday. and there is no easy way to say... what are you doing? what's going on?"}, {"x": "oh, god...", "y": "oh, come on, you're not going to pull that, are you? oh! look, yeah, right. now we're falling onto the ground. well, nice try, but guess what? you're fired! you're fired, you get it? you hear me? you're gone! you're fired! in my defense, i think we all suspected hammond might have been faking. on the plus side, the emts seem to think he's going to be just fine and, as you saw, they did admit that i did not cause the heart att*ck, even if they said it a bit begrudgingly."}, {"x": "\"problem.\" oh, poor superman, he should really do something about his flying problem. it's not a problem if you're awesome at it.", "y": "and i will be going to quinn's to pick up the world's greatest food, the super bowl hot wings platter."}, {"x": "here's the info for tomorrow night.", "y": "what's tomorrow night?"}, {"x": "stay strong. we're so sorry.", "y": "who was mark?"}, {"x": "wait... tomorrow night at 600, that's the super bowl.", "y": "okay, i feel terrible, but the truth is we didn't know mike."}, {"x": "mark.", "y": "mark, and as long as we send flowers, i can't think of any reason we'd have to carl get out of here! i never want to see your face in this bar again! this soulless bastard just told me he can't come to mark's funeral because he wants to watch the super bowl. could you believe that? you guys are coming, right?"}, {"x": "yes... wouldn't miss for the world.", "y": "okay, here's the plan record the game, go to the funeral, pay our respects to matt..."}, {"x": "mark.", "y": "mark, and start watching only an hour late."}, {"x": "okay, that's great, but just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the tivo gods.", "y": "almighty tivo, we thank you for all the gifts you have given us the power to freeze live tv to go take a leak is nothing short of godlike. let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. it seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the super bowl, we will destroy you in the"}, {"x": "amen.", "y": "amen."}, {"x": "yeah, they're the best part.", "y": "oh, come on. remember last year? who wants to watch a monkey in a coconut bra order a pizza?"}, {"x": "seriously, that's the last time i'm gonna call you today. okay. good-bye. you didn't hang up either! i know! you hang up! you hang up! my bookie. great guy.", "y": "so let me get this straight. a funeral is the one time you don't suit up?"}, {"x": "have i taught you nothing, ted?", "y": "virtually."}, {"x": "suits are full of joy. they're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.", "y": "sartorial\"?"}, {"x": "oh, thank god! i'll find out.", "y": "no, no, no, we can't! we have to watch the game together. it's tradition. think of all the great times we've had watching this game."}, {"x": "are these chicken wings or angel wings? god, i love these things.", "y": "i love you guys. this is so great, all of us watching the super bowl together. this is special. we need to do this every year, promise me!"}, {"x": "oh, commercials!", "y": "everyone drink!"}, {"x": "oh, so lame. nobody even pays attention. i mean, janet jackson, who cares?", "y": "god, how cool is robin?"}, {"x": "hey, i'll take that action. seahawks, but make it four points and make it a grand. hey, these wings, are they chicken wings or angel wings? oh, commercials! monkey with a coconut bra. hilarious.", "y": "look, we always watch the super bowl together. so we make a pact to watch it tomorrow at 600 and go the next 18 hours without finding out who won."}, {"x": "that's impossible.", "y": "i'm not gonna lie to you. it's not gonna be easy. that means no tv, no internet, no newspapers, nothing. media blackout. but our tradition lives on. who's in?"}, {"x": "what the hell, i'm in. high five!", "y": "dude, we're at a wake."}, {"x": "hey, take this key and swallow it.", "y": "what? no."}, {"x": "come on, ted, you eat salads. it'll be out by game time.", "y": "lots more, no."}, {"x": "i'm not messing around, theodore. i've got a lot of money riding on this game. if i don't handcuff myself to this radiator, i'll check the score. please take the key.", "y": "fine. but only because you didn't think through a bathroom plan and i think that's funny."}, {"x": "unlock me, ted. i've never gone this long without calling my bookie. he worries.", "y": "not until game time."}, {"x": "where are you going?", "y": "pick up the hot wings."}, {"x": "what? how the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? there's tvs everywhere.", "y": "ah, don't worry. i got it all planned out. first of all i placed duct tape on a pair of sunglasses so i can only see out of two tiny holes. next, i constructed blinders out of an old cereal box. top it all off high-tech noise-reducing headphones i bought when marshall and lily first got back together and were doing it a lot. i call it the sensory deprivator 5000."}, {"x": "it's just so hard.", "y": "ha! who's the idiot now?! you said the sensory deprivator 5000 was stupid. but it totally worked! i couldn't see or hear anything happening around me. right?! right?! no...!"}, {"x": "no...!", "y": "hello! it's me again."}, {"x": "oh! i didn't recognize you.", "y": "yeah, you forgot to give me the dipping sauce! ah. yes. this is the one."}, {"x": "no...!", "y": "awesome. just in time for kick-off. none of you guys found out the score, right?"}, {"x": "didn't find out.", "y": "great. let's do it. i already fast-forwarded through the four hours of pre-game coverage. so we are ready. barney, i can't even look at you. i don't want any sign of who won."}, {"x": "yeah, i didn't know and now i do know.", "y": "there's no point in even watching the game."}, {"x": "beer still works.", "y": "ah, what the hell. let's watch barney lose some money."}, {"x": "ooh, you go first.", "y": "i tried out the sensory deprivator 5000."}, {"x": "that security guard was a little bit handsy.", "y": "that's funny. she barely touched me. uh, gate 23. come on. if we miss this flight, i will never forgive myself."}, {"x": "sorry, you're too late, i already shut the doors.", "y": "well, i'm sure if we pull real hard we can open them."}, {"x": "hmm, i wish it worked like that, but see, once i close those doors, that's it. nobody else is allowed down that jet-way. except for that guy.", "y": "please, if-if i miss this flight, i'll miss the chance to interview for my dream job."}, {"x": "his dream job! didn't you ever have a dream job? something from when you were a little girl, that was all you wanted to do? i mean, for god's sakes, i'm sure you didn't go to bed at night dreaming about being a... i mean, uh... this is a cool job.", "y": "please, i have to be on this flight."}, {"x": "i'll see what i can do. but it doesn't look good.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "okay. they haven't armed the doors yet, so you still have a chance. it's up to the captain now and they're calling us back.", "y": "great, please let us know as soon as you hear anything."}, {"x": "sure, and for the future, we recommend you arrive at the airport an hour and a half before your flight, not, you know, one minute after.", "y": "normally, i'm incredibly responsible. i just had to go to court this morning and get sentenced. not that i'm a criminal or anything."}, {"x": "you seem to have a lot of problems with the rules of travel. hello? oh, that is great news. it's my mom-- she found her missing earring. have a seat. i'll call you when i hear something. where was it?", "y": "that thing better have call waiting."}, {"x": "could you just call the firm and explain what happened?", "y": "it's down to three people and i know they need to make their decision today. i sort of feel my not showing up might put me at a disadvantage. i'm so stupid. why did i have to jump that turnstile?"}, {"x": "you know i don't believe in pain k*llers.", "y": "wow, your first broken bone. kind of kills your whole \"unbreakable\" theory."}, {"x": "well, it added up. i've never broken anything. i've never been sick, and when i need to, i can summon incredible strength. ted, tell her the story of the really heavy door.", "y": "there was a really heavy door. he opened it."}, {"x": "barney, we're talking about 42 kilometers.", "y": "thanks, canada. i'll take it from here. barney, it's like 26 miles."}, {"x": "he's gotta be cheating, okay. he knew we'd check.", "y": "yeah, he'll do anything to win a bet. remember that time he bet me that men at work sang \"hungry like the wolf,\" and when he found out that they didn't, he tried to hire them to?"}, {"x": "what up, non-finishers?", "y": "wow. very impressive, barney."}, {"x": "wow. you know i really should check out this \"subway.\" heard so much about it. wow. look at me. slumming it. maybe i'll make a weekend out of it and i'll call my bridge and tunnel girl tonight.", "y": "you're dating a girl from new jersey?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "ted, it's barney. listen to me, i need you to come and pick me up on the subway.", "y": "what, what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "my legs don't work. i've already ridden the subway twice end to end. i've seen where it turns around. ted, you don't ever want to see where the subway turns around.", "y": "barney's legs won't work. he's riding the subway from end to end because he physically can't get off the train."}, {"x": "listen to me, ted. i'm going to lose you any second. i'm on the fourth car of the six train heading south from pelham bay park in the bronx. meet me at the 86th street station in, like, half an hour?", "y": "all right. i'll be right there. stay where you are."}, {"x": "douche.", "y": "barney?!"}, {"x": "see? if barney never tried to run the marathon, you never would have jumped that turnstile, you wouldn't have had that court date today, and we would have made this flight.", "y": "you're right. everything can be traced back to him. like that rash we all got at christmas. i have to see what's going on."}, {"x": "so i was able to get you two seats.", "y": "really? that's great!"}, {"x": "no, no, not you. i'm talking to my mom about blue man group. ma, can i call you back?", "y": "okay, what about our flight? can we get on?"}, {"x": "i'm still waiting for... huh. looks like your flight left already.", "y": "what? no, n-n-n-no, n-no. i have to be in chicago today."}, {"x": "what was the name of the airline again?", "y": "i think it was something like flights r' us."}, {"x": "was the \"r\" backwards?", "y": "god, i hope not."}, {"x": "geez.", "y": "stupid smart carts. more like dumb carts."}, {"x": "if we miss this flight, it's all barney's fault.", "y": "you know, barney never would have run the marathon in the first place if marshall hadn't broken his toe."}, {"x": "\"chafing or blisters can occur in a number of areas, including the feet, armpits, or even the nipples. try using some petroleum jelly on the affected areas.\"", "y": "so, yes, it was your fault. i mean, if you don't show up at the apartment in the middle of the day, marshall doesn't break his toe, barney doesn't run in his place, i don't jump the turnstile and get a court date, and we make our flight in plenty of time! and i don't fall down and bite my tongue at the airport."}, {"x": "hey, what's going on here?", "y": "oh, looks like they're camping out for something."}, {"x": "yeah, but for what?", "y": "i don't know. usually there's a stormtrooper or klingon in line to give you some indication. \"annual wedding dress blowout. designer sample dresses up to 90% off. doors open tomorrow, 800 a.m.\""}, {"x": "so if lily hadn't dragged me down to the wedding dress store, we would have made the first flight.", "y": "oh, thank god. the doors are still open. we made it. hi. please. we really need to get on this flight."}, {"x": "you did that story on the giant pizzas?", "y": "would you check to see if you have any more seats?"}, {"x": "one moment, sir. were those pizzas real? come on, were they?", "y": "robin..."}, {"x": "well, the, uh, flight attendants are just finishing up their final seat count. let me see what i can find out.", "y": "would it help if i got on and gave an impassioned speech about my destiny?"}, {"x": "okay, so we agree? this goes back to lily wanting to camp out for a wedding dress?", "y": "no. wait. it goes back further. remember why we were eating hot dogs on the east side?"}, {"x": "oh, so was my grandfather, but that doesn't make him interesting.", "y": "look, i know a little something about coins, and this baby is worth something to a collector."}, {"x": "no, it's not.", "y": "yes, it is! you know what? i'm gonna take you out to dinner with the money i get for this little guy."}, {"x": "you're lucky there's still a place that serves anything for a dollar fifty.", "y": "hey, that's 150 times its original value. actually, the meal was only $1.49. 1984."}, {"x": "hey, in 50 years, we can get dinner again.", "y": "how dare you."}, {"x": "hey, what's going on?", "y": "i don't know. looks like they're camping out for something."}, {"x": "how about mimi's?", "y": "nah, i don't really feel like mimi's."}, {"x": "well, i'm hungry. let's just pick a place and go.", "y": "oh, you know where we should go? cynthia's. you love that place, remember what a great time we had the last time we were there?"}, {"x": "we did?", "y": "yeah, yeah. we had that crazy waiter who kept going, \"you two should get married! you two should get married!\""}, {"x": "because it wasn't me.", "y": "oh, right! it was... my sister."}, {"x": "i've never seen van helsing.", "y": "that's right. i saw it with my sister."}, {"x": "my boss just got back from maui. he said it was really romantic.", "y": "oh, it's so romantic."}, {"x": "when were you in maui?", "y": "i... went... with my sister."}, {"x": "with my sister. why do you always say that? look, we're not 16. we've both dated other people. it's silly to try to act like we didn't.", "y": "you're right. we should just be honest."}, {"x": "totally.", "y": "see that girl over there? three years ago, i totally made out with her."}, {"x": "i don't want to hear that.", "y": "what? you said..."}, {"x": "god, that is so insensitive.", "y": "remember honesty...?"}, {"x": "you're a jerk!", "y": "well, you're...confusing."}, {"x": "lily, i love you, but we're too old for this. asking someone to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move. call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me friends don't let friends come see their crappy play.", "y": "okay, first of all, i've thought about it and top half fish. second of all, we need you guys to decide something for us."}, {"x": "yes, you should break up.", "y": "so, earlier tonight..."}, {"x": "mm, we should get down to the bar.", "y": "i know we should, but you just look so sexy in my red sweatshirt."}, {"x": "oh, god, why is this part of the story?", "y": "we're getting to it."}, {"x": "damn, my face is so dry. is there any moisturizer around here?", "y": "yeah, there's some in the bathroom. got to moisturize! got to keep that pretty face moist."}, {"x": "wow, this is great stuff. now i know the secret to your great complexion.", "y": "what are you talking about? it's yours."}, {"x": "no, it's not.", "y": "oh, well... then i guess it's lily's."}, {"x": "whose moisturizer is this, ted?", "y": "um, my sister's."}, {"x": "so, in other words, some girl you went out with.", "y": "um... i love you."}, {"x": "i'm don't think ted was dating her for her face.", "y": "thank you, marshall. thank you so much."}, {"x": "why is that still in your apartment?", "y": "i don't know. i just never threw it out."}, {"x": "well, why not? do you still have feelings for this girl?", "y": "yeah. i'm madly in love with her, and the only way i can deal with it is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion."}, {"x": "not three dollars! try 14.", "y": "why is this such a big deal?"}, {"x": "because i don't want to use some whore's moisturizer!", "y": "whoa, she wasn't a whore."}, {"x": "well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town. it sounds like a whore to me. what else do you have from old girlfriends just lying around?", "y": "nothing. that's it. well, except for the phone booth. and the lamp by the desk... and the..."}, {"x": "question? ain't no question, girl. obviously, he's got to get rid of it.", "y": "which is obviously crazy and obviously, i'm not gonna do it."}, {"x": "so we agreed that we would let you guys decide.", "y": "yeah, like we did with marshall's pants."}, {"x": "ted. ted? ted?", "y": "sorry, buddy, it's a \"no\" for me, too. oh, and by the way, bel biv devoe called. even they don't want those pants back."}, {"x": "all right, well, let's hear the arguments. ted, you go first.", "y": "okay. the fact that i still have things from ex-girlfriends is no big deal. i mean, when i see the phone booth on the piano, i don't think of jeannie radford, i think of the good times i had backpacking through europe. and when i see the lamp, i don't think of allison moses. i remember when i was broke, just out of college, and i really needed a lamp. and when i see that throw pillow, i don't think of lauren stein. i think of that weird orange-brown stain and how it got there."}, {"x": "i'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours.", "y": "really? you can't look at a pillow without seeing my ex-girlfriend-- a pillow!"}, {"x": "yes, ted, the fact that you still have that pillow is creepy and gross.", "y": "you're creepy and gross."}, {"x": "i've got to side with ted. just 'cause you still have something an ex girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her.", "y": "all right, barney. it all comes down to you."}, {"x": "i side with robin.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "or a danby's. what, they don't have danby's in the us? really? well, then were do you get grizzly paw ice cream sandwiches?", "y": "just stop, sweetie."}, {"x": "from the smell of it, i'm guessing a urine factory.", "y": "where do you guys want to sit?"}, {"x": "oh, baby, that was wonderful!", "y": "totally, i had no idea greed was the k*ller."}, {"x": "can you believe barney said that about lily's play?", "y": "i know. he can be really insensitive."}, {"x": "it was pretty bad, though.", "y": "oh, my god, it was so bad."}, {"x": "oh, my god, you've been robbed!", "y": "nope."}, {"x": "all that stuff was from old girlfriends? don't you buy anything for yourself?", "y": "what can i say? papa gets swag."}, {"x": "mm, that's kind of how i feel when i begrudgingly have sex with you when i'm really tired.", "y": "exactly. sometimes you gotta take one for the team. well, sit. sit, yeah. so you never keep anything your ex-boyfriends gave you?"}, {"x": "nope. well, except for my dogs.", "y": "so i had to get rid of everything from my past relationships because you don't keep things from your past relationships except, uh, where are your five dogs from? oh, that's right your past relationships."}, {"x": "what's your point, ted?", "y": "well, you know how you said you come over to my apartment, and all you can see are my ex-girlfriends?"}, {"x": "what, so when you look at my dogs, all you see is my ex-boyfriends?", "y": "i do now."}, {"x": "that's ridiculous.", "y": "i thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you. well, yeah, but not my dogs."}, {"x": "but not living things.", "y": "well, tell that to the rare bolivian cactus i threw away."}, {"x": "things with a heartbeat can stay.", "y": "enjoying this?"}, {"x": "pickles, go get your ball. go get your ball.", "y": "just admit it. it was a little hypocritical of you to make me get rid of all my stuff."}, {"x": "guess what position we did it in.", "y": "yes. yes, i want you to get rid of your dogs."}, {"x": "um, no.", "y": "really? well, i say we take it to the group, but i don't like your chances."}, {"x": "i'm sorry i didn't tell you where the dogs came from.", "y": "i'm sorry i asked you to get rid of them. that was ridiculous."}, {"x": "so we're-we're okay?", "y": "yeah, we're great."}, {"x": "dude, i gotta pee.", "y": "i gotta go."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "where've you been? i called you earlier."}, {"x": "i gave my dogs away to my aunt.", "y": "you what?"}, {"x": "yeah. just for a few months as a test run, but... i think it's for the best.", "y": "wow. oh, man."}, {"x": "can we go inside?", "y": "uh, no. uh, let's go to the bar."}, {"x": "why? what's going on inside?", "y": "um, the floors are gone."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "yeah. i-i sent them out to get, um, fixed. this is a terrible lie. i'm just going to bail."}, {"x": "we're really doing this?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "i can't believe this moment's finally here. one more mile and my little boy turns 200,000.", "y": "your baby fiero's grown into a really old man fiero. and just like an old man, he leaks fluid, smells stale, makes weird noises out the back."}, {"x": "yeah, he does. hey, light up those cigars in the glove compartment. they're real cubans. i got 'em in chinatown last year just for this moment.", "y": "uh, marshall, i'm not saying you were definitely ripped off, but these are chopsticks wrapped in napkins."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "whoa, pothole. the car stops."}, {"x": "what? no. oh. no. no, no, no. no, there's only.8 miles to go. come on, buddy. buddy!", "y": "is it cool if i still light these?"}, {"x": "hey. it's very important to both lily and me that there be a handmade origami crane in each of our wedding's... i couldn't even get through it. thank god.", "y": "hey, your car's going to be fine. this is the best auto shop around. look at this certificate. one of the mechanics here finished a 64-ounce steak."}, {"x": "we insisted.", "y": "terrific."}, {"x": "she's still in triage.", "y": "she? i thought it was your little boy."}, {"x": "sorry, we're all out of trays and lids. two tall guys just came through here a few minutes ago and bought 'em all.", "y": "and that is the origin of marshall's insane \"no food or drinks in the fiero, not even groceries\" rule."}, {"x": "aw, nerts.", "y": "the food rule is insane. we could have d*ed because of it. remember the 100k fiasco?"}, {"x": "ah, the fiero-asco.", "y": "dude, i told you that doesn't work. it's the 100k fiasco."}, {"x": "the fiero-asco?", "y": "it was just before winter break our freshman year of college. marshall and i were roommates, but we weren't really good friends yet."}, {"x": "i thought ted was a little bit pretentious.", "y": "and marshall was a total slob."}, {"x": "hey i'm driving my fiero back over break. i know we see enough of each other as it is, but if you want a ride, i could use the gas money. you live in ohio, right? i could swing through and pick you up.", "y": "all right, first of all, my parents live in ohio. i live in the moment. plus, karen and i haven't seen each other since thanksgiving. we're both really invested in making this long-distance thing work, so..."}, {"x": "all right, well, call me if you change your mind. my odometer's going to hit 100k.", "y": "she'd be so bummed if i left early."}, {"x": "i hear you.", "y": "so what's up with you and lily? anything serious"}, {"x": "yeah. dude, we're college freshmen. i'm not going to get tied down by the first chick i hook up with. lily's cool, but this bird you'll never chain, you know?", "y": "so... this song."}, {"x": "oh, it's the best song in the world. it's the only song i like. just kidding. tape's been stuck in the player for, like, two years. better than nothing, though.", "y": "maybe. i am so... sick... of this song."}, {"x": "don't worry. it comes around again.", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "yeah, we totally nailed the ending.", "y": "that was probably our best one. hey, you want to play zitch dog?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "uh, it's a car game. every time you see a dog, you got to be the first one to say, \"zitch dog.\" i'm pretty good, so..."}, {"x": "zitch dog.", "y": "well, no, i didn't know we had...we'd started, but... okay, that's cool. you got the first point."}, {"x": "zitch dog.", "y": "zitch dog. damn it!"}, {"x": "12-nothing.", "y": "marshall. marshall."}, {"x": "zitch dog, blue suburban.", "y": "damn it!"}, {"x": "really? seems impossible.", "y": "hey, we got some time. what do you say we get off the highway, take the road less traveled, you know? robert frost."}, {"x": "doesn't seem like a smart idea.", "y": "too late. i'm taking this exit. who's not fun enough now, karen?"}, {"x": "then we got lost. where the hell are we?! i'm pulling over.", "y": "no, keep driving."}, {"x": "we're almost out of gas, and we might not even be on a road anymore.", "y": "it's below zero out. if we pull over, we could be snowed in for days. plus, i only have, like, six granola bars and three bottles of water."}, {"x": "nah, i threw them out.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "no food or drink in the fiero.", "y": "no food or drink in the f...? you haven't washed your sheets since... thus began the longest night of our lives."}, {"x": "pretty sure that my foot is frozen solid.", "y": "marshall... there's a very real chance that we're gonna be snowed in here for days. if i die first, do whatever you need to survive. eat my flesh. slice me open like a tauntaun, whatever."}, {"x": "thanks, ted. you're a good friend. and if i die first, you just leave my body alone.", "y": "what? i just said you could cut me open and crawl inside me."}, {"x": "yeah, don't do any of that stuff to me; it skeeves me out.", "y": "but... but you're dead, and i'm gonna die if i don't."}, {"x": "wasn't an easy decision.", "y": "this is all because of your insane no-food rule."}, {"x": "it's perfectly rational.", "y": "hey! my spectacles! hey. i know we're low on gas, but can we turn on the heat for just a minute?"}, {"x": "okay. dude... i hate to say this... but it's so cold... there's only one way that we're gonna make it through this night we should've kept driving.", "y": "come on, marshall."}, {"x": "no. no. we might die now. i may never see lily again. i never told anybody this, but... i've known for a long time that i'm gonna marry that girl. if we survive this, someday i'm gonna marry her. i'm sorry about your spectacles.", "y": "that's okay. they were decorative. hey, marshall."}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "are you still thinking about lily?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "please stop and so marshall and i thought we were gonna die out there in the middle of nowhere. but funny thing..."}, {"x": "zitch dog!", "y": "damn it!"}, {"x": "you said you were gonna marry me that long ago? that is so sweet.", "y": "that trip is when marshall and i became best friends."}, {"x": "he said it would be at least 3,000 bucks to make it run again. and even then, there's no guarantee.", "y": "well, it's a pretty old car."}, {"x": "why? why? why?! why?!", "y": "let me tell it. it was last year during the transit strike."}, {"x": "hey. uh, is marshall around? i have a massage in queens in half an hour. i need a ride.", "y": "uh, no, he's at the library all day. just take the keys."}, {"x": "hey! why don't you drive me? it'll be like a total road trip.", "y": "to queens?"}, {"x": "yeah, we'll get, we'll get beef jerky, triscuits.", "y": "uh, actually i have a lot of work to do, so."}, {"x": "okay. well, anyway, i'll cancel. see you later.", "y": "wait! you know how to drive, right?"}, {"x": "what, of course i know how to drive. i love driving. hitting the road. cruising the lanes. and braking. honking. love it. except for lady drivers. don't get me started on lady drivers.", "y": "which pedal's the gas?"}, {"x": "trick question.", "y": "no, it's not"}, {"x": "yes, it is.", "y": "no, it's not."}, {"x": "middle, left, right? i never learned how to drive! i grew up in the city. i never had a chance.", "y": "well, guess what? you're getting your chance. because i'm going to teach you. barney stinson, buckle up."}, {"x": "this isn't right. god never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds.", "y": "relax. you're doing great. ignore the old lady on the rascal; this isn't a race."}, {"x": "dude, a dog.", "y": "zitch dogs, this. or nothing."}, {"x": "what do i do? tell me what to do, ted.", "y": "step on the brakes. sometime in the next 20 minutes."}, {"x": "which? which one's the break again?", "y": "the left one."}, {"x": "left. oh, man, left. i'm totally blanking.", "y": "make the ls"}, {"x": "oh, we're not going to make it.", "y": "why did you just turn on the radio?"}, {"x": "i don't know why i turned on the radio! we're going to die. tell me what to do, ted.", "y": "relax. you're being crazy."}, {"x": "help me, ted! i'm being serious.", "y": "stop, drop and roll. screaming is fun! screaming is fun!"}, {"x": "i can't move. i can't... i can't feel my... wait. wait. we're okay.", "y": "we're okay."}, {"x": "wow. sounds like you had some accident in that car.", "y": "actually, he had two accidents if you add the fact that he..."}, {"x": "i would like to say good-bye. marshall is in the car and the other are around it. marshall taps the dashboard and the cassette goes out.", "y": "you know what? this fiero, it's effected all our lives."}, {"x": "affected.", "y": "that's what i said."}, {"x": "frickin' logistics, man. they mess everything up.", "y": "you didn't do it because you couldn't do it."}, {"x": "i'll come with you. no. i'll stay.", "y": "long story. i'll tell you later."}, {"x": "i'm glad you asked. ted, robin, get in here! you guys know how it's hard to be friends with me 'cause i'm so awesome?", "y": "yes, it's hard to be friends with you. go on."}, {"x": "no way!", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "i know! i'm beautiful! i'm a fairy princess! i'm too skinny for my dress!", "y": "here goes. hello, everyone, i'm ted mosby, marshall's best man. strong opening, right?"}, {"x": "that's fantastic.", "y": "when marshall graduates this spring, he'll be a lawyer. but did you know that marshall has a criminal record? that's right, on a road trip up to cape cod, marshall was pulled over for driving by himself in a car pool lane."}, {"x": "are you crazy? you cannot tell that story at my wedding. my entire family's gonna be there. my little cousins, my mom, my grandma, my grandpa the minister.", "y": "that grandpa d*ed three years ago."}, {"x": "i have to decide how to run to contestant's row when they say, \"barney stinson, come on down!\"", "y": "oh, i didn't realize that's what it was. can you do them again?"}, {"x": "done!", "y": "okay, think you're gonna be happy with my new toast. there's nothing sexual. it's, uh, it's just the story of an important moment in your relationship."}, {"x": "i'm all ears. hello, everyone,", "y": "i'm ted mosby, marshall's best man."}, {"x": "nice.", "y": "right? that's great. back when we were all freshman and marshall and lily were just a few short weeks into their relationship... it was 400 in the morning, and i'm not gonna lie, we were a wee bit wasted. we were starving. so i'd gone out to get us some snacks, and when i got back..."}, {"x": "so here's what you want to talk about in front of my entire family drinking, having a girl in my room, eating junk food.", "y": "dude, you're almost 30. your mom would be mad at you for eating junk food?"}, {"x": "yeah, ted, 'cause nutrition's not important. also, so lily's never heard that story before. how's she going to react when she finds out the first time i said \"i love you\" to her, i was actually saying it to you and a bag of funyuns", "y": "but who cares? you did love her. and you still do. and you're totally over funyuns, so it's not weird."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey? that's it?"}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. i figured there'd be a lot of giggling, crying, jumping up and down, and then whatever lily would do"}, {"x": "close? close?! it's called the price is right, not the price is close! oh, man, this is bad. if i don't win the spin-off, and i can't get into the showcase showdown, everything's ruined! it's all ruined!", "y": "what is ruined? why, why is this such a big deal?"}, {"x": "okay, guys... sit down, i've got to tell you something. the reason i'm going on the price is right is because i've decided that it's time for me to meet my real father.", "y": "your father?"}, {"x": "that's right. my father... is bob barker.", "y": "your dad... is bob barker?"}, {"x": "so now i'm gonna go to l.a., be on the show, win the showcase showdown, make him proud of me, and then tell him who i am.", "y": "you're gonna tell bob barker that you're his son on national television?"}, {"x": "okay!", "y": "hey, so i think i figured out how to do your toast in a completely appropriate way."}, {"x": "finally.", "y": "yeah. good evening. i'm ted mosby, marshall's best man."}, {"x": "still strong, right?", "y": "great, yeah. i'd like to share with you all a story about the momentous evening last fall"}, {"x": "oh, don't thank me. thank my parents for teaching me good values.", "y": "now, i wasn't supposed to hear this next part, but marshall leaned over to lily and whispered."}, {"x": "are you just going to talk about holding my hand or are you going to hold it?", "y": "then a little later, robin caught them... oh, um......holding hands. end flashback. it was a lovely and responsible night. to marshall and lily."}, {"x": "that's the worst toast i've ever heard, dude. it's totally boring.", "y": "exactly. it's impossible to write a good toast with you censoring me, man. i give up. i'm just going to read that thing about jesus and the footprints."}, {"x": "i know.", "y": "marshall, what are you doing?"}, {"x": "going to the bathroom.", "y": "in the hall?"}, {"x": "sleepwalking?", "y": "you're wide awake."}, {"x": "robbing us?", "y": "dude."}, {"x": "wow. i guess sometimes, lessner is more... ner. you know how like sometimes less is more.", "y": "yeah. this is one of those times, sweetie?"}, {"x": "oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you totally do. and not even the good backstreet boys, the older, lame dance move, comeback tour backstreet boys.", "y": "the good backstreet boys?"}, {"x": "guys! guys! what am i gonna do?!", "y": "what-what the hell happened to you?"}, {"x": "ah, let me see what i can do.", "y": "what? what can you do?"}, {"x": "lily is gonna k*ll me! look at me! she's not gonna want to marry me like this.", "y": "that's crazy. of course she will."}, {"x": "would you marry me?", "y": "no. but not because of the hair. it's because i have a rule never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with."}, {"x": "yeah, yeah, but it's good. i ought to shave it all off. what a great solution. just be bald 'cause it's cool, right? bruce willis, michael jordan, britney spears... oh, god, what did i do?! how could you let me shave my head?!", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "you're the worst best man ever! i hate you! i'm not going out there! i'm leaving and i'm never coming back.i'm gonna go find that money under the rock by the tree and go live with the guys on the beach in zihautanejo.", "y": "dude, those guys are criminals."}, {"x": "only red andy was falsely accused. ted, you're my best man! you got to do something!", "y": "okay, all right, come here. just breathe, breathe, all right? don't worry. don't worry. i'll just... i'll take these."}, {"x": "no!", "y": "uh, hi. uncle ben, right?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "yes, we're, we're having a little bit of a problem back there. um, and i was wondering if you could help us out."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "marshall accidentally shaved part of his head."}, {"x": "oh, no!", "y": "yeah. yeah, so here's what i was thinking. what if i found something to cover up the bald area?"}, {"x": "yeah, that would probably work, but with what? that's a tough one.", "y": "maybe a wig of some sort or a, um... toupee. something that matches"}, {"x": "mm, yeah. does anyone here wear a toupee? shouldn't be hard to find out. most of them are pretty bad.", "y": "that is true. that is true. we just need to find someone who wears a toupee that is the same color as marshall's and your hair."}, {"x": "boy, that's a pretty tall order.", "y": "really? you can't think of any place in the general area where there might be a toupee of the kind i'm describing to you?"}, {"x": "no, not off the top of my... no. can't.", "y": "let me come at this from a different angle. i got $50 in my pocket which is probably a lot more... barney comes and takes the toupee."}, {"x": "actually, i think it kinda works.", "y": "it totally does."}, {"x": "okay, problem solved. crisis averted. let's get me married. it looks terrible, doesn't it?", "y": "it kinda looks like fur, which gives you the appearance of a cleaned-up bigfoot."}, {"x": "oh, you know...", "y": "in a bad way."}, {"x": "hey. cool hair, bro.", "y": "what happened to your shirt?"}, {"x": "i got sauce on it when i tackled the caterer.", "y": "you gonna put another shirt on?"}, {"x": "it would cover up the problem. it's festive and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation.", "y": "okay, unless you actually have one in your car, stop suggesting authentic native american headdress."}, {"x": "i wish we could have that wedding.", "y": "so do it."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "get married now. right here. look, it's outside like you always wanted. intimate, close friends. there's no guitar, but it's pretty close. barney can officiate."}, {"x": "i don't have mine either.", "y": "you don't need your vows. just say why you love each other."}, {"x": "okay, i'll go first. lily, there are a million reasons why i love you. you make me laugh and you take care of me when i'm sick. you're sweet, caring and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. she puts a little italian dressing in scrambled eggs before she cooks them. it's called \"eggs marshall,\" and it's awesome. but the main reason that i love you is that you're my best friend, lily. you're, uh... you're the best friend i ever had. i'm sorry, buddy.", "y": "no problem."}, {"x": "so...", "y": "wedding's over."}, {"x": "yes, it is.", "y": "i guess starting tomorrow, we can tell people."}, {"x": "tell people what?", "y": "the food looks delicious, doesn't it?"}, {"x": "oh, okay. tell people what?", "y": "can we talk about this later?"}, {"x": "hey. barney stinson. lovely dress. i know, i'm sick of these things, too. it's like the same wedding over and over again. you're totally right. you want to dance? great, see you out there. tell people what?", "y": "look, this is just not something we want to talk about right now, okay, barney?"}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "whoo, that was a close one."}, {"x": "oh, god! okay. look, we have some... news.", "y": "but we don't want to draw attention away from lily and marshall's big day."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "it's pretty big, though."}, {"x": "all right, let's run some interference.", "y": "yeah, we'll get you back to your table. come on."}, {"x": "oh, yes, definitely.", "y": "how about a slide show of you guys through the years set to green day's \"time of your life\" and ending with your baby photos side by side."}, {"x": "we've done it. a wedding with zero clich\u00e9es.", "y": "wait, isn't doing it in the reception hall bathroom kind of a clich\u00e9e?"}, {"x": "are those mini quiches? tell the secret.", "y": "okay, uh... it was our anniversary, so we went to this restaurant carmichael's, which is where we went on our first date. remember, the place where i stole the blue french horn for robin?"}, {"x": "oh, right, that was you. i knew that was somebody i knew.", "y": "what? dude, you were there. that was like a big iconic moment in all of our lives."}, {"x": "compliments of the house.", "y": "wow. thanks. cheers."}, {"x": "oh, that's right, they moved that table back toward the kitchen, because that's where they're setting up a surprise chocolate fountain. oh, no, i gave it away so what was in the glass?", "y": "right. so the waiter comes up with two glasses of dom. he says, \"champagne?\" \"we didn't order any champagne.\" \"compliments of the house.\" \"wow.\""}, {"x": "you said that already!", "y": "right. so robin looks down, and there at the bottom of her glass..."}, {"x": "no, no, no, no, no. ted, you cannot do this to me. no. no, no, no.", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "this. this is what i'm talking about. what is this doing in my champagne? oh, god, listen... i just got to get out of here.", "y": "that's not mine."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that's not mine."}, {"x": "wow. that was hilarious. i was like... what? anyway.", "y": "what the hell was that?"}, {"x": "what the hell was what?", "y": "that reaction?"}, {"x": "i thought you were proposing to me.", "y": "really? because it sounded like you thought i was trying to set you on fire."}, {"x": "ted, you know how i feel about marriage.", "y": "now more than ever."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, were you planning on proposing tonight?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "then why is this an issue?", "y": "because even though you don't want to get married, i'd like to think the fact that we've been together for a year, and that we love each other might get me a gentler reaction than, \"no. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. \"ted, you cannot do this to me. \"no. no, no, no.\""}, {"x": "okay, you're right, i just... freaked out. i don't know why. i'm sorry. can we please just let it go?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "i had four strawberries.", "y": "was there a side of champagne with each of the strawberries?"}, {"x": "ted, don't do this.", "y": "no, seriously. where do you see yourself in five years?"}, {"x": "where do you see yourself?", "y": "honestly, in five years... i probably want to be married."}, {"x": "and i probably want to be in argentina.", "y": "argentina?"}, {"x": "or tokyo, or paris. look, ted, i don't know where i'm going to be in five years. and i don't want to know. i want my life to be an adventure.", "y": "we have an expiration date, don't we?"}, {"x": "oh, my god. you guys broke up. you guys broke up. i can't believe it.", "y": "barney... story's not over."}, {"x": "can we please not talk about this here. can we go home?", "y": "yeah, of course. uh, excuse me, i'm sorry about this. can we actually..."}, {"x": "oh, my god, it's you.", "y": "wha... what?"}, {"x": "you're the son of a bitch who stole our blue french horn.", "y": "run!"}, {"x": "run? your strategy was run?", "y": "it was a perfectly good idea. they didn't have our credit card information. they didn't know us from adam. i stand by it."}, {"x": "yeah? and how did that work out for you?", "y": "i don't see why they had to keep my credit card and driver's license till we bring the horn back."}, {"x": "well, come on, ted, can you blame them?", "y": "so... argentina."}, {"x": "argentina.", "y": "why is this the first i've heard of argentina?"}, {"x": "mmm, american schools suck at geography. what would be the point in telling you that i want to live in argentina? you don't want to live there.", "y": "i could want to live in argentina."}, {"x": "no, you couldn't. i mean, you life is here and your career. i'm a journalist, my career could take me anywhere, and i hope it does.", "y": "hey. i could be an architect anywhere, too. they have buildings in argentina. and paris. and even tokyo. i don't know if you ever saw godzilla, but he wasn't knocking down a bunch of tents."}, {"x": "so, what? you're saying you want to move to argentina?", "y": "well, i always regretted not taking a year in college to live abroad. i just finished a big project at work. i got some money saved up. if ever there were a time in my life to do something like this, it's right now. let's move to argentina."}, {"x": "oh, shut up.", "y": "you're scared i might not be kidding."}, {"x": "aren't you?", "y": "nope. your move, scherbatsky."}, {"x": "you caught the bouquet?", "y": "barney. the story's not over yet."}, {"x": "wait, wait, wait, wait.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i don't know if i can do this to you.", "y": "do what?"}, {"x": "well, you say you want to move to argentina, but you want to have kids.", "y": "oh, right. 'cause there are no kids there. on santa's map of the world, there's a big black \"x\" over argentina."}, {"x": "you know what i mean.", "y": "no, i don't. okay, say we had kids. they wouldn't have to grow up in some suburb somewhere. they would grow up on the road having adventures with us. think of all the hard rock cafe t-shirts they could collect."}, {"x": "well, we probably shouldn't.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "risk it?", "y": "risk it."}, {"x": "god, this guy's giving me nothing.", "y": "all right, have fun in scotland. if you see the loch ness monster, tell him ted mosby says, \"what's up?\""}, {"x": "nessie's a she, ted, come on. marshall and lily leave.", "y": "hey, kiddo."}, {"x": "oh, ted, i don't know if i can go again. that tuckered me out.", "y": "not a euphemism."}, {"x": "right. okay, let me just go change, and we'll leave.", "y": "whoa, whoa, you get to change and i don't? uh-uh. solidarity, sister."}, {"x": "that is crazy. i have a change of clothes and you don't. suck it up.", "y": "well, if we'd actually moved in together, all my stuff would be here, but we didn't, so..."}, {"x": "yeah. we were all talk, weren't we?", "y": "we're not doing this, are we?"}, {"x": "i don't want to have kids in argentina.", "y": "and i don't want to have kids in argentina."}, {"x": "so where does that leave us?", "y": "well... we could stay together and... pretend this stuff doesn't matter. or... we could give back the blue french horn."}, {"x": "you stole a blue french horn for me.", "y": "i would have stolen you a whole orchestra."}, {"x": "you did break up.", "y": "yep."}, {"x": "an-and marshall and lily don't know?", "y": "well, afterwards, uh, we came by to tell you guys, but lily was pretty stressed out, so..."}, {"x": "you guys okay?", "y": "well, it hasn't been the easiest two weeks of our lives, but..."}, {"x": "but we're okay.", "y": "the open bar helps."}, {"x": "could i have this dance?", "y": "well, we knew this day would come eventually. take care of her, little man."}, {"x": "...dary! legendary! dude, i am so excited that you're single again. we're going to conquer new york city. i already have a girl from work lined up for you. right boob bigger than the left boob, which some choose to look at as bra half empty. i choose to look at as bra half full.", "y": "i dont' know... robin and i broke up two weeks ago. i'm... i'm not ready."}, {"x": "ted mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan. there's a miss nassau county pageant. we'll pretend to be judges and, yes, our votes are for sale.", "y": "i'm not ready."}, {"x": "finish line of a woman 10k. salty girls on an endorphin high who just want to lie down. yeah.", "y": "i'm not ready."}, {"x": "female acrobats from montreal. super flexible. we're going to get \"cirque de so-laid\". what up?", "y": "barney, come on, we've covered this."}, {"x": "hola.", "y": "okay, i'm ready."}, {"x": "gael.", "y": "i'm sorry, gayle?"}, {"x": "it's means \"joyful\". that is why i live my life by bringing joy, good energy and happiness to others. especially those less fortunate that i.", "y": "i'm sorry. so it's gayle?"}, {"x": "that's a great point, persian nightclub owner.", "y": "and, oh, he is a masseuse."}, {"x": "with a massage everything is connected. i can touch your foot cleanse your kidney. i can touch your earlobe and slow your heartbeat.", "y": "one time i used warm water to make a guy pee. of course, i didn't make a career out of it."}, {"x": "this conversation never happened.", "y": "all right, you're suit up, i bearded down. let's get out there and win this thing."}, {"x": "yes!", "y": "you guys, have fun of your duble date."}, {"x": "i just want to make sure you're okay with this.", "y": "\"i just want to make sure you're okay with this\"? damn it! i can't believe she's the one that gest to say that. she's winning, isn't she?"}, {"x": "amy.", "y": "ted."}, {"x": "ted. ted. ted. ted. ted.", "y": "what?!!"}, {"x": "let's bail, this place is dead.", "y": "yeah, you're right. we're both totally striking out."}, {"x": "yes, exactly, plus, we're on a tight schedule. i've got the entire evening perfectly planned out... spoiler alert our last stop is an after hours club so after hours, it's three days from now. what up?", "y": "are you blind? i'm making out with a 12. i am winning."}, {"x": "yeah. but i didn't get to help.", "y": "so you're saying you want me to throw away a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her?"}, {"x": "who's the suit?", "y": "hum. this is barney. barney, amy."}, {"x": "okay, this place is actually pretty nice.", "y": "i like your tatts."}, {"x": "thanks. you can play with them if you want. they're a hundred percent real.", "y": "no, your tatts... toos. your tattoos."}, {"x": "ted. who are you gonna side with on this tattoos thing?", "y": "i think i'd look way hot with some ink."}, {"x": "yeah, you would.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "no, mine...", "y": "i'm okay. in fact, here's how okay i am. i'm gettin' a tattoo."}, {"x": "you're not getting a tattoo. it's not you. ted, you are heading down a dark path.", "y": "that dark path is my driveway."}, {"x": "oh, fire. we should start a fire.", "y": "after this maybe. oh, man, this is going to be legen... wait for it..."}, {"x": "hey, buddy, how was your night?", "y": "you know, it was great. i met this crazy girl, i almost got a tattoo. don't worry, i didn't. but it was... it was amazing. i think it's safe to say, i am winning this breakup."}, {"x": "oh my god!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "hum. hum. what?"}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "hmm?"}, {"x": "i came here this morning because... i want to apologize.", "y": "apology accepted, barney. as you can see, i do just fine on my own. i don't need a baby-sitter."}, {"x": "see. all this time, i thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now.", "y": "hmm."}, {"x": "he's gonna say it.", "y": "a butterfly? what?"}, {"x": "nothing, buddy.", "y": "ow. why did that hurt so...? oh my god! i have a tattoo."}, {"x": "oh, that's not a tattoo. that, dear boy, is a tramp stamp.", "y": "tramp stamp?"}, {"x": "mm, i just broke up with my boyfriend steve. he was totally annoying. he was like, \"i think you're the one, i want to marry you.\"", "y": "what a wuss. do you think exes can be friends?"}, {"x": "yeah. sure, i mean, we're still friends, right steve?", "y": "hey, your name is steve. and her ex-boyfriend's name is steve. what are the odds of that...? wait."}, {"x": "maybe you should try club soda.", "y": "oh, damn it, it really hurts. i need like, some ointment or something. what is this? spanish massage oil. spanish massage oil? what happened here last night?"}, {"x": "it meant nothing to us. it just felt really really really good.", "y": "i can't even look at you two right now."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "good. now, here's the thing. it sucks that you came back from argentina with someone as awesome as gael. and i know i have no right to be upset at you. we're broken up, life goes on, whatever. but you know what? we-we never did this. we-we had this polite breakup with no irrational yelling and that's just wrong. so i'm gonna yell irrationally for a while and you're just gonna have to stand there and deal with it, okay?"}, {"x": "if you feel like you need to do that, then...", "y": "i think i do! i really think i do! so now, i'm yelling!"}, {"x": "you shaved.", "y": "i did."}, {"x": "i like the beard.", "y": "i liked it too, but it was getting kind of hot. maybe in the winter, i'll grow it back out! okay, i'm done."}, {"x": "i know it was weird showing up with gael. i'm sorry.", "y": "look, us breaking up, it was the right thing. but it took some time to get over you, you know? i-i'm still getting over you. but you, you were over it the minute they started the in-flight movie."}, {"x": "over it? my first three days in argentina, i cried my eyes out. i missed you so much. i wanted to go and prove how adventurous i am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. and that's why gael happened.", "y": "you weren't trying to win the break-up?"}, {"x": "i was trying to survive it.", "y": "okay. no. see, look, that all sounds good, and we'll still be friends and move on, but..., did he have to be so hot? the guy's an adonis."}, {"x": "he's not an adonis.", "y": "he's the cadillac of rebound guys. marshall has a crush on him. the guy's perfect."}, {"x": "he's not perfect.", "y": "oh, come on. he's hot, he windsurfs, he massages things. name one way i'm better than that guy."}, {"x": "\"you're bigger\".", "y": "don't patronize me. if anything, he may even be a little bit taller."}, {"x": "yeah. account info, important addresses, a letter to the other person, all that stuff. i'll get the next round.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "i didn't know that i was supposed to write a letter. all lily's gonna find in that folder are a bunch of bank statements and a funny list of things to do with my ashes.", "y": "marshall brownies."}, {"x": "that's right. unless... you die between now and then. ooh. but, come on, that's never gonna happen.", "y": "yes! there is one thing we can state with absolute certainly, it's that marshall eriksen is not going to die before writing that letter."}, {"x": "whoa. are you topless? ted, check this out.", "y": "seen 'em."}, {"x": "what you are not is a massage-giving, windsurfing, bongo-playing, teetotaling, vegan, peacenik, hippy like you soon to be ex-boyfriend, gael. back me up here, ted.", "y": "i'm just happy robin's happy."}, {"x": "please, vacation romances have an expiration date. gael's got a \"best if banged by\" sticker on him. once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk and go back to being \"unevolved robin\", the one we actually like. back me up here, ted.", "y": "i'm just happy robin's happy."}, {"x": "this is all gonna returns to masticate you in the gluteals. support my hypotehesis, ted.", "y": "i'm just jubilant my former paramour's jubilant."}, {"x": "that guy...", "y": "yeah. that guy. look at how easy he has it."}, {"x": "well. you and me, we have to bend over backwards to get a woman to, well, bend over backwards. but that guy... every woman in the bar is hanging on his every slightly mispronounced word. and why?", "y": "he's better looking than us."}, {"x": "no. because he's from out of town.", "y": "mmm."}, {"x": "yeah. actually... you know where i've been meaning to visit?", "y": "okay, okay. we're from a small town in the south of france. our plane leaves sunday morning."}, {"x": "actually, it's on its own island.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "hi, lindsay.", "y": "so, hey, you-you ladies, been awful nice to us. what do you say... ah, never mind. no..."}, {"x": "no, what is it?", "y": "well, it's just we're leaving sunday morning. it sure would be nice to have some real new yorkers show us around."}, {"x": "it's kind of a lame bar, but sure.", "y": "really? it doesn't seem that lame to me."}, {"x": "it's pretty lame.", "y": "i think it's cool."}, {"x": "all right.", "y": "i'm just saying it seems like a kind of bar a lot of cool people would hang out there."}, {"x": "this is our favorite restaurant in the city.", "y": "yes, i'm sure this is the best of their 57 \"spudtacular\" east coast locations."}, {"x": "this is the easiest date ever. you know what i'm gonna try next? a knock, knock joke.", "y": "easiest? somehow we have managed to find the two lamest new yorkers of all time."}, {"x": "ted, ted, ted. dude.", "y": "i'm looking at you. what?"}, {"x": "right. stay with me. we are on the cusp of moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers. ay-o?", "y": "all right, ignatius, one more hour."}, {"x": "everything's so bright, even at night. no wonder the city never sleeps.", "y": "hey. if we're going north, why did we cross over the fdr? we should have taken the hudson."}, {"x": "now he knows all the streets. someone's been watching too many \"steinfield reruns\".", "y": "where are we even going anyway?"}, {"x": "148th and brook avenue.", "y": "a hundred... on the south of bronx at this time of night? we're going to get k*lled."}, {"x": "ted. i think these local new yorkers know more about the city than we do, so relax. we're in very capable hands.", "y": "there were three of them, at least two g*ns... they took all our money."}, {"x": "what?! this night couldn't have gone any better. we've just survived a mugging. you know what that means.", "y": "\"thank god, we're alive\" sex."}, {"x": "\"thank god we're alive\" sex. it's even better than \"i can't believe you just proposed to me\" sex, which i've only had, like, four of five times. ted, please, we are so close.", "y": "all right. i'm in. i've never worked this hard for anything in my life."}, {"x": "mmm-mm. me too. so where do you live?", "y": "what? west village?"}, {"x": "close. west orange.", "y": "west orange? new jersey?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "you guys live in new jersey, not new york?"}, {"x": "yep.", "y": "new jersey?"}, {"x": "yeah. but don't worry, it's pretty much new york.", "y": "oh, no. oh, no."}, {"x": "oh, no.", "y": "new jersey is not \"pretty much new york\". you are not \"pretty much new yorkers\"."}, {"x": "and how would you know?", "y": "because i live here. that's right. i live here. yes, we're full of crap. yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. but you know what's even worse than that?! saying you're a new yorker when you're not. because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a new yorker. so why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the holland tunnel and flush yourselves back to \"pretty much new york\"? because i will do a lot to get laid, but i am not going to new jersey!"}, {"x": "use your words, ted.", "y": "ok. barney, i'm about to go for the belt."}, {"x": "the belt?", "y": "the belt."}, {"x": "fortnight. british words are so cool. plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs? i wear a wig to work, i'm a jackass.", "y": "all right, i'm ready, let's hit it."}, {"x": "can't go. tournament.", "y": "what? we agreed, i suited up."}, {"x": "you take too long to get ready", "y": "what are you talking about? i got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look."}, {"x": "and then he starts on his hair. ace.", "y": "ha ha ha ha. look, are we going or not?"}, {"x": "just go without us, we'll be there in five minutes.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "all right, going down to the bar and ordering three beers, i'll see you in five minutes."}, {"x": "stinson.", "y": "all right, the beers are here."}, {"x": "yeah, we're not gonna make it.", "y": "oh come on, we agreed...did marshall take his pants off?"}, {"x": "this is wimbledon, ted. i need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. cheerio.", "y": "fine, i don't need friends. i got you guys. you guys are my friends, my cold refreshing friends. i'm talking to beer."}, {"x": "trudy.", "y": "trudy. oh my god, i haven't seen you since..."}, {"x": "i slept with you, then climbed down the fire escape?", "y": "that was you? kidding. i was super wasted... that night. these are not all for me."}, {"x": "and i forgot my underwear.", "y": "those were yours? i thought they felt kinda tight. kidding, i don't wear underwear, ladies underwear. often. again, i'm kidding."}, {"x": "i am so glad i ran into you.", "y": "i know, do you wanna get a..."}, {"x": "kappa epsilon gamma! whoo!", "y": "let me guess, you guys met in prison."}, {"x": "i know.", "y": "well, beers, what do you want to do? stay here, or i know this other place called my belly."}, {"x": "so, trudy and i got a table.", "y": "oh, that's cool, i was gonna get outta here anyway, i'm really tired."}, {"x": "but i want you to stay.", "y": "tired of people who fold early 'cause i am wide awake."}, {"x": "stinson.", "y": "i've got a situation. trudy is here, you know, the pineapple incident."}, {"x": "so you now have two on the line?", "y": "and i don't know which one to go for."}, {"x": "are they friends?", "y": "yeah. no, i don't know. they're old sorority sisters."}, {"x": "because they're all sluts and you can tell them right now i didn't wanna be in their sorority anyway.", "y": "they're kappas and i think i can score with one of them. i don't know which one and if i choose wrong, i lose 'em both."}, {"x": "oh, ted, ok, settle an argument. is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend after they've broken up?", "y": "well, that's very complicated."}, {"x": "you're the man-thief, man-thief.", "y": "oh, somebody should lock you girls up."}, {"x": "really? i think ted is hilarious.", "y": "i am never not wearing a suit again."}, {"x": "it's me, i'm at the bar. don't look, just call me mom.", "y": "hi mom, how's dad's colon?"}, {"x": "what? what's the matter with you? anyway, both of these girls are into you. take your pick.", "y": "they are? are you sure?"}, {"x": "yes, of course. they're playing with their hair and touching your arm. class green light.", "y": "are you positive?"}, {"x": "oh, it's robin. good luck.", "y": "bye mom."}, {"x": "i'm on my way.", "y": "so, this college boyfriend, who, who won him?"}, {"x": "we were gonna do, but never did.", "y": "what? what, what were you guys gonna do but never did."}, {"x": "i don't care.", "y": "nobody cares, just say it."}, {"x": "three", "y": "it's a tricycle."}, {"x": "what's happening?", "y": "it's a tricycle."}, {"x": "wait wait wait, what belt?", "y": "barney and i have this running joke that the first guy to actually pull this off would win the championship belt."}, {"x": "oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right?", "y": "you actually bought a belt."}, {"x": "that's right, it's resplendent.", "y": "it's just a thing we said, we were kidding around."}, {"x": "if i d*ed, i'd just come back and haunt your penis.", "y": "guys, come on, help me out. what do i do?"}, {"x": "all right, ted, if you're about to go for the belt, then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions. one, is the aggregate age of all the participants under 83?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "two, is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds.", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "theodore mosby, are you paying these women?", "y": "what? no."}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "no. look, i gotta go. they're gonna think i inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues."}, {"x": "well, it is getting pretty late.", "y": "right, well..."}, {"x": "i thought maybe we could all go and listen to that wilco cd you talked about before.", "y": "great, i have it right upstairs. it's in my apartment upstairs. let's so upstairs."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, where was your apartment again?", "y": "that's funny. i love that. you should tell more jokes at my apartment upstairs."}, {"x": "where are my pants? where's my pants!", "y": "got 'em."}, {"x": "hey, are these your roommates?", "y": "yes, yes, but they are not here. they are somewhere else. we have total privacy because privacy is essential when you're listening to music."}, {"x": "you know what else is essential when you're listening to music? music.", "y": "that's hilarious. you are hilarious. i'll go get it in my bedroom. the cd's in my bedroom. bedroom."}, {"x": "of course we can't promise anything.", "y": "this is gonna be awesome."}, {"x": "oh, don't be gross.", "y": "you guys need to get out of here right now. please, take the fire escape."}, {"x": "oh, you can use our bedroom.", "y": "ok, all i need to seal the deal is the wilco cd...barney."}, {"x": "i cannot allow ted to do this.", "y": "why, why?"}, {"x": "ok then.", "y": "let me get this straight. you're gonna trike block me? that is so petty. it's like you're..."}, {"x": "tom petty.", "y": "tom petty. you're tom petty."}, {"x": "i cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief. she should be punished, not rewarded.", "y": "fine, then i'll try to work in a little light spanking. just do this for me."}, {"x": "no, never.", "y": "what if i reimburse you for the boots, full retail?"}, {"x": "thanks, enjoy our bedroom.", "y": "ok, take it."}, {"x": "excuse me.", "y": "so, i'm having a little trouble finding the cd."}, {"x": "that's ok, we don't need music to have fun.", "y": "exactly."}, {"x": "you do like to have fun, don't you ted?", "y": "it's getting late, i'll get your coats."}, {"x": "because you get up in your head, man. start thinking, i can't do this. it's two women. that's two of everything, four of some things. the logistics alone are enough to cr*pple even a pro like me.", "y": "see? if a complete degenerate like barney choked, what chance do i have?"}, {"x": "the best chance in the world. fear took the belt from me. fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends. but fear will not get a second turn.", "y": "it won't?"}, {"x": "no, because i now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt. it is my destiny to help my friend win it. ted is fated to go there first. he is our neil armstrong. space-suit-up, ted, 'cause you're going to the moon. step 1.", "y": "ladies, couldn't find your coats but i did find tequila."}, {"x": "oh!", "y": "wait, wait wait, a remote control fire place? we don't have a remote control fire place."}, {"x": "so exhausted.", "y": "why would i want to tire them out?"}, {"x": "you give the most amazing foot massage.", "y": "it's 'cause i used to practice all the time on my grandmother."}, {"x": "ted, what's wrong?", "y": "i was just thinking about this documentary i saw once about something called a supervolcano."}, {"x": "ok, wait for it.", "y": "could happen at any time and obliterate all life on earth, which is why i live by three simple words. don't postpone joy."}, {"x": "that's so true.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "i can't believe i'm gonna say this, but i'm actually moved. bring it in, guys.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "you didn't do it. yes, you did. you did. no, you... just tell me!", "y": "some stories you tell, some stories you don't."}, {"x": "so, robin, i've got a guy for you. he's cute, he's funny, he's smart.", "y": "what's his 'but'?"}, {"x": "but her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.", "y": "wow, set it up."}, {"x": "well, there's nothing wrong with this guy. he's really nice and he's really cute.", "y": "but? lily fine, but he has a kid."}, {"x": "oh.", "y": "aha! there it is. robin's not going out with a guy with a kid."}, {"x": "but the guy is really great. and his kid's sweet, he's in my class.", "y": "doesn't matter. robin hates kids."}, {"x": "i don't hate kids.", "y": "you told me even when you were a kid, you hated kids."}, {"x": "ok, yes, kids are not my favorite thing in the world but i like them.", "y": "well, you don't wanna have them."}, {"x": "yeah. hey, what's my 'but'? you know, i'm really nice, but...", "y": "but she's afraid of commitment."}, {"x": "i can't think of anything.", "y": "you don't have a 'but'."}, {"x": "ok, i've got it. here, put on this eye patch.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "a bunch of cobras got loose in central park. you and i are jogging, training for the death valley iron man. no big deal, we do it every year. suddenly we see these snake bastards sneaking towards a little baby. not on our watch. you grab the kid, i strangle six cobras with my bare hands. women of new york, one at a time please.", "y": "so, what are the eye patches for?"}, {"x": "we got bit.", "y": "on the eye? barney yes."}, {"x": "don't tell anyone i said that.", "y": "ok, i'm gonna let you in on a little secret. people with real game don't need eye patches."}, {"x": "...no no no, you can't spell game without me, and me has the best game.", "y": "yeah, well, i got so much game, i'm cornish game hen."}, {"x": "oh yeah? i'm the new york state gaming commissioner.", "y": "well, i'm the game, well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring michael douglas and sean penn."}, {"x": "wow. you're here and not in stall two.", "y": "yeah, so?"}, {"x": "what? marshall if dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game.", "y": "yeah, if you're playing in the women's league."}, {"x": "ok. one, we agreed not to ever say 'bra' anymore. it was a good week, we had a lot of fun, but it's over. two, you've been with lily for eleven years. you're idea of good game is slapping on a dr. seuss hat and flashing two tickets to a spin doctors concert.", "y": "i hate to say it, buddy, but you're kinda' irrelevant."}, {"x": "do you guys wanna hear one of my lines?", "y": "first of all, i did not ask to see that list and i am still horrified. true game is about quality, not quantity. and a quality girl would pick me over you any day."}, {"x": "ted, i challenge you to a picking-up-girls olympiad.", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "there will be 26 events spread out over 11 weeks. we will travel to a neutral city where a panel of international judges...", "y": "or we could just choose a girl and the first one to seal the deal wins."}, {"x": "how about her?", "y": "you're on."}, {"x": "before we start, why don't we jot down a few basic ground rules?", "y": "ok, great. rule number one, no eye patches or props of any kind."}, {"x": "one time i was with this girl and i tried that model line, and i totally got some over-the-shirt boob action at a just say no assembly.", "y": "just stop. you're bumming everybody out."}, {"x": "i win.", "y": "how?"}, {"x": "oh, i slept with her, about a year ago, i just forgot.", "y": "oh, well, that doesn't count. the bet started the moment we shook."}, {"x": "i can't sleep with her again. she hates me.", "y": "oh, interesting. look who just took a commanding lead. now, with you out of the picture, i can take my sweet time."}, {"x": "ted, she's leaving.", "y": "get out of my way."}, {"x": "meanwhile, stacy and i had started dating. oh, stacy was the girl from the bar. anyway, i was close to winning the bet when something unexpected happened, i started to really like her.", "y": "well, have fun in yoga."}, {"x": "whatever, ted.", "y": "oh, get this, she plays bass in a reggae band. they're having a show this friday. how cool is that?"}, {"x": "totally counts.", "y": "you're right, it counts. it counts as one. you've had sex once. how was it? marshall i still matter."}, {"x": "ok, ted, go win the bet. you have my blessing. she's a wonderful girl. i should know.", "y": "oh, ok, ok, i see what you're doing."}, {"x": "no, i'm sure when you're with her i'll be the furthest thing from your mind. kissing what i've already kissed. nuzzling what i've already nuzzled. going on what i've already gone on.", "y": "barney, i'm not afraid of catching your cooties, ok?"}, {"x": "really? ted's not afraid of cooties. ok, well then i guess you'd have no problem having a sip of my gin and tonic.", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "you guys are totally crazy.", "y": "hey, who drew the picture of robin?"}, {"x": "it's not me.", "y": "\"my new mommy.\" kinda has a nice ring to it."}, {"x": "so, i, i had a really nice time tonight.", "y": "me too."}, {"x": "yeah?", "y": "mm-hm."}, {"x": "yeah, there's always a 'but'.", "y": "well, i couldn't do it. i broke up with her. thanks a lot by the way. a beautiful, sexy girl and all i could think about was you being there first. you were stuck in my head like a chumbawumba song."}, {"x": "which chumbawumba song? barney well, what an interesting turn of events. it looks like i'm going to win.", "y": "what do you mean, win? you couldn't even talk to her. you tried, you got slapped."}, {"x": "that's what you think happened.", "y": "ok, great, rule number one no eye patches or props of any..."}, {"x": "so now, whatever nice things ted does for her, in her mind, i'm the guy who's even nicer than him.", "y": "so you never slept with her?"}, {"x": "it gets better. remember ted's phone conversation?", "y": "well., have fun in yoga"}, {"x": "no way, i wonder why ted didn't tell me about that. like i said, i'm a huge reggae fan.", "y": "after a while crocodile."}, {"x": "wow, take care. namaste.", "y": "you are a sociopath. that was my yoga mat."}, {"x": "translation 'cause i got game, b*tches.", "y": "no, no, this doesn't prove anything because..."}, {"x": "hey, stace. what happened? he did not. stay there, i'll be right over.", "y": "i should have just worn that stupid eye patch."}, {"x": "kids, back in the fall of 2007, i was dating this girl named...oh god, what was her name? it's been 23 years, i can't remember all this stuff. for the sake of the story, let's call her...", "y": "everyone, this is blah-blah."}, {"x": "well, i was taking this cooking class, french fusion, and everyone already had a partner but then i looked up, and across a crowded room, i saw ted. it was magical.", "y": "it was so magical."}, {"x": "except it wasn't.", "y": "she's gonna tell some bogus story about a cooking class because she's embarrassed we met online."}, {"x": "ay, chihuahua.", "y": "what? there's no stigma anymore."}, {"x": "so, she's hot.", "y": "oh, she's gorgeous."}, {"x": "then she's crazy.", "y": "no she's not."}, {"x": "ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet for dudes are crazy, hookers or dudes.", "y": "ok, she's not crazy, she's not a hooker, she's not a dude. though there's this guy i pass on my work every day who's all three, scares the crap out of me."}, {"x": "there's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.", "y": "she's not even on the hot-crazy scale. she's just hot."}, {"x": "i should give her a call.", "y": "ok, so please, just play along with her fake story. we met in a cooking class."}, {"x": "i don't know, ted, i don't know if i can just play along with your crazy girlfriend's fake story. now, if you had said fake breasts...", "y": "she's not crazy."}, {"x": "it's crazy how cute that is. it's crazy.", "y": "you know who else has a really cute story of how they met? marshall and lily. you guys should tell that story right now."}, {"x": "i know, right? i'll get the next round, ok guys.", "y": "anybody'd be stressed out meeting new people. she's not crazy. crazy generous maybe, buying us drinks."}, {"x": "hm. oh, so, pretty and single and friends with ted. great.", "y": "you know who else is friends with ted? marshall. how did we meet? it's a good story, i'm gonna tell it right now. uh, it was the first day of college."}, {"x": "oh good, 'cause i'm not. now, robin, could you just let it go? you're making all of us really uncomfortable.", "y": "you know what else is a good story, how barney and i met. barney, tell that story, right now. please."}, {"x": "tonight's the first time i'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom d*ed.", "y": "oh, i'm sorry about that."}, {"x": "no, it's ok. i have to take care of him now. of course, i have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but i'm happy to. he's my brother and i love him. i'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.", "y": "oh man, i'm really sorry."}, {"x": "wow, you bought that?", "y": "what? barney i just made that up mid-pee. it worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar. unless you're a total idiot. what's your name?"}, {"x": "are you a total idiot, ted?", "y": "well, i'm still having this conversation, so... barney well played."}, {"x": "barney. we met at the urinal.", "y": "oh right, hi."}, {"x": "lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit.", "y": "i'm not wearing a suit."}, {"x": "he doesn't sign. he's embarrassed by his hands. they're tiny and lady-like.", "y": "i'm edward. nice to meet you too."}, {"x": "what? you are over your hand issues. it's about time.", "y": "my brother's a great guy. you should give him your phone number."}, {"x": "and even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number, i knew that ted and i would be each other's wingmen forever.", "y": "barney, it's time you knew, um, that story actually goes a little bit differently."}, {"x": "oh my god, you told them.", "y": "ok, yes, i told them, but it's not a big deal. lots of people meet on the internet. that whole seeing a stranger across a crowded room thing, that only happens in the movies."}, {"x": "oh, i see what's going on here, ted, i'm just some random girl to make robin jealous and after she takes you back, you probably won't even remember my name.", "y": "come on, blah-blah, it's not like that."}, {"x": "another girl i dated. she gained twenty pounds and tried to k*ll me with a brick.", "y": "i'm sorry i didn't tell you, but seriously there's nothing going on with me and robin."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, it's just lily and marshall's story is so romantic. i just wish we had something like that.", "y": "their story is not as magical as it seems."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "no, i can't, it's kind of a secret."}, {"x": "well, how about i tell you a little secret about what you might get to do later tonight.", "y": "the night before lily met marshall, there was this party."}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning, she still remembered room 110. that's why she knocked on the door. she was looking for me."}, {"x": "oh my god.", "y": "yeah, and in all these years lily and i have never spoken about it, so again, mum's the word, ok?"}, {"x": "you have to tell marshall.", "y": "if he heard that, it would destroy him."}, {"x": "if you don't tell him, i will.", "y": "oh, come on, you wouldn't."}, {"x": "so, lily, how did you and ted meet? come on, lily, the real story.", "y": "i don't think anyone wants to hear that story."}, {"x": "no, no, i'm sorry but i love karen.", "y": "yes, that is the unabridged story of how lily and i met. how embarrassing. who wants another round?"}, {"x": "tell us what?", "y": "lily, will you help us get the next round?"}, {"x": "ted, what's going on?", "y": "she knows about us, about how we really met."}, {"x": "yeah, i know, i just told her.", "y": "no, the real story."}, {"x": "ted, what are you talking about?", "y": "lily, come on."}, {"x": "come on what?", "y": "lily, come on."}, {"x": "ted, i honestly don't know what you're talking about.", "y": "lily, come on."}, {"x": "what? ted and i never made out.", "y": "yeah, we did."}, {"x": "i only made out with one other guy in college before i met marshall, and it was just some random dude. i don't even remember his name. i just call him too-much-tongue guy.", "y": "what? too-much-tongue guy? i'm not surprised to hear that coming from unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl."}, {"x": "that wasn't me.", "y": "yes it was, at the freshman orientation party."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, who are you again?", "y": "this is barney, i met him the other day. he's kind of a jackass."}, {"x": "i'm teaching ted how to live, and lucky you, i have room for one more student. think of me as yoda, only instead of being little and green, i wear suits and i'm awesome. i'm your bro. i'm bro-da. and tonight you are gonna use the force to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.", "y": "you're gonna use force? 'cause that sounds wrong, bro-da."}, {"x": "no, the force. it's a star wars reference.", "y": "so we should make lots of star wars references around girls, that's what you're saying?"}, {"x": "too-much-tongue guy? yeah.", "y": "and you know that girl i made out with at the freshman orientation party?"}, {"x": "unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl? yeah.", "y": "i'm too-much-tongue guy."}, {"x": "i don't think you need to be. i was at that party. it was dark, and granted, i had eaten quite a few sandwiches but i'm a hundred percent sure that unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl was alexa leskies, it's not lily.", "y": "really? marshall yeah, i'm positive. and too-much-tongue guy was colin o'riley."}, {"x": "you don't really believe that, do you? you swore it was lily.", "y": "i guess i made a mistake. must have been alexa."}, {"x": "ted. what's yours?", "y": "yeah, it's really, it's a cool game."}, {"x": "but you know that magical story of how she and uncle marshall met, it was worth preserving, so i kept my mouth shut.", "y": "i guess i made a mistake. must have been alexa."}, {"x": "i just find a p*rn starring ted mosby!", "y": "what are you... what you're talking about?"}, {"x": "i'm talking about welcome to the sex plane, and look who plays the navigator, ted mosby", "y": "oh, it's the same exact spelling as my name."}, {"x": "okay, you know, cute coincidence, barney. whatever. i just got on the phone with the nr...", "y": "oh my god. this totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day."}, {"x": "guys, guys, guys! can i tell my news? it's pretty...", "y": "this is really bizarre. the only other famous mosby i know was a confederate general during the civil w*r."}, {"x": "i got the job at the nrdc.", "y": "you got the job! oh, yeah!"}, {"x": "thanks. it's kind of weird hugging with p*rn on.", "y": "yeah, it really is."}, {"x": "oh, hey, hey-o. new guy entering the cockpit. could it be the navigator, ted mosby.", "y": "uh, no. no, navigators have three stripes on their hats. captains have four. that guy's a captain."}, {"x": "oh, is that him? cause that ted mosby really knows what he's doing.", "y": "no, that's not him. what do you mean, \"that\" ted mosby really knows what he's doing?"}, {"x": "it's a real job.", "y": "who is this guy? are we related? do, do i look like him?"}, {"x": "and here's you water, in case you're dehydrated, ted mosby.", "y": "ah, ah, very funny, wendy. now we know you watch p*rn. this ted mosby must be getting kind of famous."}, {"x": "wow. that's 42 movies a month. who is he, jude law? right? he makes a lot of movies. i mean, not so much lately, but maybe, like, two years ago, you couldn't go to a movie without...", "y": "shh."}, {"x": "hi, i'm looking for ted mosby. it's leonard ross from avw.", "y": "oh my god! avw? it's architecture vision weekly."}, {"x": "well, that's a bummer. anyway, i'm calling to interview you about your latest project.", "y": "well, i don't want to say it's my project. i mean, i'll be working with at least three partners."}, {"x": "oh! group scene. always fun.", "y": "yeah. yeah. i'm really looking forward to it. i mean, i know they're gonna ride me pretty hard but they're great guys."}, {"x": "guys? oh, wouah, there's a scoop.", "y": "that interview went on for 20 more minutes."}, {"x": "guys, guys, guys, check this out. ted mosby p*rn star's bio says his hometown is your hometown. shaker heights, ohio.", "y": "what? okay, this is getting creepy. who, who is this guy? i gotta find him."}, {"x": "i met a girl last night.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "so perky and full of life and not at all fake.", "y": "you're talking about her boobs, right?"}, {"x": "c! and that wasn't spanish, that was cup size! what up!", "y": "so these boobs..."}, {"x": "mmmm...", "y": "paint me a word picture."}, {"x": "please stop!", "y": "why could you come in? you hear me shaving!"}, {"x": "i thought you were shaving your face!", "y": "well, clearly i wasn't!"}, {"x": "ted said it was okay.", "y": "ah, hey, marshall. you're still up? aren't you taking the bar tomorrow?"}, {"x": "thank you guys for coming down here so quickly.", "y": "i've never been to this neighborhood. kind of thought this part of town was water"}, {"x": "no, dude. this is dowisetrepla.", "y": "dowisetrepla?"}, {"x": "yeah!", "y": "is that an abbreviation for something?"}, {"x": "pffff he's from ohio. dowisetrepla is the up-and-coming neighborhood.", "y": "oh!"}, {"x": "the lockbox combination is 1421, and here's my card.", "y": "are you serious? you're trying to sneak this apartment away from marshall and lily?"}, {"x": "wh-what?", "y": "there was a fight here."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "whenever marshall and lily have a big argument, they always leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment."}, {"x": "oh, god here we go. he had a detective club as a kid.", "y": "hum the mosby boys cracked a lot of big cases."}, {"x": "the mosby boys? you mean you and your sister.", "y": "we solved the mystery of the missing retainer."}, {"x": "let me guess, it was in the garbage.", "y": "why are you like this? anyway, this is serious. i know lily and marshall. all the tell tale signs are here. like this"}, {"x": "don't touch the evidence. i got your back partner.", "y": "it's not stiny water bottle. notice the label is peed off."}, {"x": "if you wwant to get to the bottom of this, you're gonna need a stronger stomach than that, doll face.", "y": "marshall stood here. eating and yelling, yelling and eating. lily stood here. crying."}, {"x": "hey, ted!", "y": "and then marshall tried to storm out... but lily went for the hail marpass."}, {"x": "what do you think, make obsess?", "y": "there'd be a bigger mess. tempted as he was, marshall was still too upset."}, {"x": "which is why this picture is crooked.", "y": "nice catch, robin."}, {"x": "i'll just, uh, take this down to the lab..", "y": "now that we need is a motive. the million dollar question what were they fighting about?"}, {"x": "i know what they've been fighting...", "y": "bup bup bup bup bup... theres's only one possible conclusion. lily and marshall are fighting about peanut butter."}, {"x": "ah!", "y": "lily left the lid off... and marshall blew heads."}, {"x": "robin, just...", "y": "i appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is robin, not batman."}, {"x": "robin, just...", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of mount... rushmore", "y": "nice try robin. so, the next thing lily did was give marshall a few hours to cool off about the peanut butter. then she called him to apologize, which is why the last number dialed is..."}, {"x": "greenstein and lee, divorce attorneys.", "y": "this can't be happening."}, {"x": "they can't... get divorced.", "y": "not lily and marshall, no way."}, {"x": "well, it's been nice knowing you guys.", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "well, marshall's gonna get yyou guys, lily's gonna get me.", "y": "even if they break up, that doesn't mean we can't all hangout. i mean we broke up and we still hang out. it's not weird."}, {"x": "it's a little weird.", "y": "yeah, it is. it's weird."}, {"x": "i know, it's a terrible idea. you can't do it. just look at me.", "y": "i hit redial on the phone. divorce lawyers?"}, {"x": "ow, i should explain. we got in a pretty big fight.", "y": "yeah, i know"}, {"x": "no!", "y": "wow, guys! you scared us."}, {"x": "peeing.", "y": "i'm gonna help marshall pay."}, {"x": "i said this is going to be the best thanksgiving ever.", "y": "yeah, this is going to be great. just the five of us, right?"}, {"x": "no, no. the countdown ends at 300 p.m., the day after thanksgiving. i counted it out.", "y": "how many days are in october?"}, {"x": "uh, thirty.", "y": "dude, i thought we cleared this up last year."}, {"x": "i like halloween very much. is nice.", "y": "is also tomorrow."}, {"x": "oh, there's bob! by the way, heads up, he's a little bit older than us.", "y": "how old is he?"}, {"x": "hey, dudes,what's crackin'?.", "y": "hey, man, how are you?"}, {"x": "good to meet you. sorry i'm late. i just got off the phone with my parents.", "y": "parents?"}, {"x": "let's go get a drink.", "y": "unbelievable. robin is dating orville redenbacher."}, {"x": "yeah, du he's in pretty good shape. he could probably kick your ass.", "y": "how are you guys not seeing this? he's 150; robin's 27. barney, come on,what do you got?"}, {"x": "for the millionth time, sleep-eating is a very serious and delicious medical condition.", "y": "hey, uh, what time are you guys going to robin's?"}, {"x": "730.", "y": "perfect. just to be safe, i'll get there like 800, 830."}, {"x": "uh, they just called. they're both super swamped preparing for tomorrow.", "y": "is bob coming?"}, {"x": "no, he went to see green day.", "y": "so it's..."}, {"x": "making pies.", "y": "pies. they're things that friends make together."}, {"x": "yeah, they do.", "y": "great."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "great. well, this is great. it'll give us a chance to catch up."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "i'm going to make a phone call. hey, it's me. listen, you have to come over here and make pies."}, {"x": "yeah, i'll be there, absolutely.", "y": "oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver. it's still kind of weird being alone with robin, but if you were here..."}, {"x": "hey, say no more. i mean, when i pulled you out of that burning wreckage, i wasn't doing it to have a battleship named after me. but if you insist, yes, i'll be there for the christening.", "y": "you're hitting on someone right now, aren't you?"}, {"x": "no, i'm not going to wear the medal of honor. that would just be tacky.", "y": "so you're not coming to make pies."}, {"x": "hey, ted.", "y": "hey, happy thanksgiving."}, {"x": "you, too. is lily in the kitchen?", "y": "yep."}, {"x": "great.", "y": "marshall?"}, {"x": "what do you mean something weird happened last night?", "y": "you may not realize this, but since we broke up, robin and i have never really been alone together."}, {"x": "you're still getting slapped.", "y": "i wanted to leave, but i couldn't stick her with making all the pies by herself. she was exhausted."}, {"x": "hey, did you know that the first pies in recorded history came from ancient egypt?", "y": "remember last year's thanksgiving, when we had sex seven times?"}, {"x": "ooh. terrible.", "y": "what?! i thought it would break the ice."}, {"x": "did you know that the egyptian pyramids can be seen from space? probably?", "y": "ooh, the oven's pre-heated!"}, {"x": "okay, um... the pecan pie is gonna take the longest. why don't we put that one in first?", "y": "pecan pie? why are we making that?"}, {"x": "um, it's my favorite.", "y": "you're allergic."}, {"x": "i know. i just like smelling it. it's like eating with your nose.", "y": "so we're making a pie for bob."}, {"x": "she's got you making pies for this guy?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "that is a real slap in the face.", "y": "you know, you could have just told me it was for bob."}, {"x": "yeah, i-i just thought it might upset you.", "y": "upset me? wait a second. do you think that......do you think that i'm jealous of bob?"}, {"x": "i don't know. is it so ridiculous to think that you might be?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "because he's a thousand years old."}, {"x": "right?", "y": "the only reason i'm jealous of bob is that we can only talk about the first thanksgiving,"}, {"x": "come on.", "y": "the only reason i'm jealous of bob is because i heard noah gave him shotgun in the ark."}, {"x": "ted...", "y": "the only reason i'm jealous of bob is that i'm just an architect, but he discovered fire. how do you top that?"}, {"x": "he's 41! why are you bashing on him so hard?", "y": "i'm not. i'm just joking around. that's what friends do."}, {"x": "it's mean.", "y": "well, how come we're all allowed to bust on barney when he dates some skanktron, but when you sleep with the crypt keeper's dad, i'm not allowed to say a word?"}, {"x": "first of all, bob and i are not sleeping together. we're just dating. secondly, have i said one word about the parade of dubious conquests you've been marching past me the last few months? one of whom got you a butterfly tattoo?", "y": "hey, that is..."}, {"x": "and if you and i are such good friends... why is baking a pie for bob so weird?", "y": "yeah, if you and i are such good friends, why couldn't you just tell me that's what we were doing? okay, maybe we should talk about this later. i-i should get going."}, {"x": "well, what are we doing? it's thanksgiving.", "y": "i don't know. i'm sorry. this is stupid."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, too. of course we're friends. i'm glad we're friends.", "y": "me, too."}, {"x": "well, did you guys at least talk about it?", "y": "clearly, we need to ignore this."}, {"x": "we need to talk.", "y": "stuffed mushroom?"}, {"x": "we need to talk about last night.", "y": "did you know that some mushrooms are carnivorous? probably... not?"}, {"x": "ted, can we please just deal with this? look, i'm not mad. i just think...", "y": "wait, wait, wait, wait. why would you be mad... you started it?"}, {"x": "what?! you're crazy!", "y": "we called a truce, we hugged, and when i tried to pull away, you kept your hand on my neck."}, {"x": "only because your hand was still around my waist.", "y": "oh, come on! you leaned into it."}, {"x": "i... leaned into it?", "y": "yeah. you're like the crappy kid in little league who knows he's not going to make contact, so he just...\"oops, i got hit by the pitch. better take my base.\""}, {"x": "oh, that was you in little league, wasn't it?", "y": "my on-base percentage was off the charts!"}, {"x": "look at us! we can't be alone together, can we?", "y": "apparently not."}, {"x": "what does that mean? we're supposed to be friends.", "y": "we aren't friends, are we? not really. we avoid each other. we smile politely. we're two people who pretend to be friends because it would be inconvenient not to."}, {"x": "well, maybe we should stop pretending.", "y": "maybe we should."}, {"x": "so... what do we do now?", "y": "i suppose... we eat dinner. and then that's it."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "happy thanksgiving."}, {"x": "i guess we're not.", "y": "guess we're not."}, {"x": "oh my god!", "y": "i have a tattoo!"}, {"x": "oh, that's not a tattoo. that, dear boy, is a tramp stamp!", "y": "a tramp stamp?!"}, {"x": "oh, but ted, if you get rid of the butterfly, how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper fron reno with daddy issues?", "y": "yes, yes, enjoy these final moments of mockery because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions, stella is gonna zap that butterfly right off the face of my lower back."}, {"x": "stella?", "y": "dr stella zinman. she's the best in the business. and she's rather cute in fact. in fact... we're going to a movie together tonight."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i asked her out."}, {"x": "what's matter with you?", "y": "what? what do you mean?"}, {"x": "dude... don't poop where you eat.", "y": "oh, no, this doesn't count."}, {"x": "you've heard of the golden rule, right? \"love their neighbor?\"", "y": "uh, actually, it's \"do unto others as you would have them do unto you.\" it's from the bible."}, {"x": "damn it ted, i've worked out this whole thing where the golden rule is \"love thy neighbor\", ok?... now the golden rule is \"love thy neigbor\". but, there's one rule above it the platinum rule \"never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor.\"", "y": "well, that's cute. but she's not my neighbor, she's my doctor. so if you'll excuse me..."}, {"x": "need i remind you about me and wendy the waitress?", "y": "yeah, i don't have time for this. i'm out the door as soon as i'm finished with my hair."}, {"x": "oh no, no guys guys! are you insane?", "y": "this is nyc.you don't get close to the neighbors. you nod at them politely in the hall. you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny, and that is it."}, {"x": "well, i don't. i don't have one and i never will be because it's a great idea. come on, guys! she's gullible. i'm bored. we're perfect for each other.", "y": "barney, we love this bar. if you screxw over wendy the waitress, you're going to k*ll the bar."}, {"x": "and it was a huge mistake.", "y": "yeah, well... i think it'll be okay."}, {"x": "ted, trust me. you don't want to do this.", "y": "look, stella and i are adults; we're both smart, mature people capable of making good decisions."}, {"x": "you have a butterfly tramp stamp.", "y": "we're just seeing a movie. if it seems at all weird, i'll back off."}, {"x": "hey, can i get a gin and tonic?", "y": "see, i bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic."}, {"x": "oh, i paid for it.", "y": "but you got to admit, there is an upside to breaking the platinum rule. like maybe as her boyfrien, i could get a discount on treatments."}, {"x": "come on, guys, free nachos. what?", "y": "we like this bar."}, {"x": "don't k*ll the bar, dude.", "y": "barney, we love this bar."}, {"x": "don't k*ll the bar, dude.", "y": "this bar is like home to us."}, {"x": "which brings to step 6.", "y": "yeah, listen i'm leaving so if you want to write the rest of these down, i will read it tomorrow."}, {"x": "don't do this ted.", "y": "you want to get out of the way?"}, {"x": "tss", "y": "you've got a whole meat locker at home full of corpses, don't you?"}, {"x": "now look at me. declawed. neutered. what was once my jungle is now my zoo and i am forced to mate with the same old lioness again, and again, and again while families pay to watch.", "y": "yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart."}, {"x": "i have no idea.", "y": "guys, are you here? i forgot my keys. can you open up?"}, {"x": "wait!", "y": "hello? guys?"}, {"x": "if you need anything else, let me know.", "y": "waouh. i've got to hand it to wendy the waitress that was very mature of her."}, {"x": "she's gonna try to k*ll me. this is poisoned.", "y": "what? you're being ridiculous."}, {"x": "yours is poisoned too. she's trying to k*ll me and everyone close to me.", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "ted! look at the facts. i dump her and she says \"no hard feelings\". she's a psycho! what other explanation is there?", "y": "uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy so you don't have to face the far more likely possibility that she doesn't want to date you either?"}, {"x": "where did marshall get that hamburger?", "y": "i don't know, i guess wendy the waitress brought it to him."}, {"x": "you're an idiot.", "y": "all right, i'm taking off."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i have a date."}, {"x": "ted, have you not been listening? attraction, bargaining, submission, perks, tipping point, purgatory, confrontation, fallout! these things will all happen to you as surely as they happened to all of us! it's a rule of nature.", "y": "well, i'm sick of all the rules! there's too many of them! the hot/crazy scale, the lemon law, the platinum rule! if everyone in the world followed every one of your rules, the human race would cease to exist. yes chances are to stella and i are not going to live happily ever after the overwhelming odds have it ending badly. and when that happens, it'll be for one of a million possible reasons. but that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try. and when it does fail, so help me god, it's not gonna be because of some rule. ps you just made my hair look awesome. good night."}, {"x": "so what do you mean \"it wasn't a date\"?", "y": "she thought we were seeing a movie just as friends."}, {"x": "did she see your tattoo and assume you were gay?", "y": "apparently, there's a rule that says i can't date stella."}, {"x": "exactly, the platinum rule. stella reads my blog.", "y": "no, this rule comes from the american medical association. doctors aren't legally allowed to date their patients."}, {"x": "oh, sorry ted.", "y": "it's okay. what are you guys watching?"}, {"x": "ah, the butterfly tramp stamp. my bread and butter. so i'm guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze. unless it's a g*ng tattoo, in which case, i think it's time to find a new g*ng.", "y": "no, i just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, and then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden..."}, {"x": "well, i can get rid of it in ten one-hour sessions, but, i should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.", "y": "well, i think you'll find i have a very high tolerance for pain. just last night, i sat through the worst movie ever made."}, {"x": "oh, plan 9 from outer space?", "y": "no, the worst movie... manos hands of fate."}, {"x": "uh, i'm a doctor, went to medical school. it's plan 9. if you don't believe me, it's playing down at the pamela theater.", "y": "uh-huh. i don't believe you, doctor."}, {"x": "hey, ted.", "y": "hey. hey, put that away. tonight's on me."}, {"x": "oh, no, no, don't...", "y": "come on, i insist."}, {"x": "that's so nice. thank you. hey, guys, this is my friend ted. he wants to pay.", "y": "oh, wow. oh, yay. wow, thank you. one, two, three, four."}, {"x": "is something wrong?", "y": "no, it's just, um... i'm just a little embarrassed. i thought this was a date. but it's no big deal. don't worry about it."}, {"x": "she's not allowed to date...", "y": "yeah, i got it."}, {"x": "and you bought all the tickets.", "y": "yeah, yeah. hey, you were right. worst movie-going experience ever. of course, it had nothing to do with the movie."}, {"x": "i am so sorry that you thought that was a date.", "y": "no, it's fine. i got to hang out with you on girls' night out. all right, so if you're not allowed to date a patient, i'll just... i'll wait until these ten session are up and then i'll ask you out then."}, {"x": "well, then,fair warning i'm going to say no.", "y": "really? i'm getting mixed signals from you. i feel like you've been staring at my ass for quite some time. what, you're married?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "boyfriend?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "lesbian?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "only date black guys?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "and yet you can say with absolute confidence that ten weeks from now, if i ask you out on a date, your answer will be..."}, {"x": "no... hmm. what could she mean when she says 'no'? i don't know, it is totally cryptic.", "y": "this is far from over. we're talking ten weeks from now. who knows what she'll want then? do you know what you're going to want for lunch ten weeks from now?"}, {"x": "ted, do you know how long it takes a woman to decide whether or not she's going to sleep with a guy? 8.3 seconds. after that, her decision is made. she will not change her mind.", "y": "that's ridiculous."}, {"x": "is it? describe your first 8.3 seconds with stella.", "y": "so we got off to a rocky start. that may be a problem for some guys, but i get better over time. right? i'm not some top 40 song... easily digestible. i'm complex. i require time and multiple listens. i'm 'stairway to heaven'."}, {"x": "i know, but i'm doing this for ted. hmm. god, this is really hard.", "y": "give me ten sessions, i'm going to turn that \"no\" into a \"yes.\""}, {"x": "this is going to hurt a little.", "y": "yeah, well, i can handle pain. this one time i was playing tennis, and..."}, {"x": "doctor, are you all right? i heard a woman screaming in here. oh.", "y": "here's to nine more great sessions."}, {"x": "still no.", "y": "still no. what's up with that? i mean, i juggled."}, {"x": "you juggled? i thought you were trying to impress her.", "y": "you do magic. how is juggling any lamer than magic?"}, {"x": "magic's not lame.", "y": "i don't get it. i mean..."}, {"x": "go!", "y": "anyway... i don't get it. she should be into me by now."}, {"x": "works for baboons. it's called \"presenting.\"", "y": "i got four sessions left. ther-there's got to be an angle i'm not seeing."}, {"x": "oh, right.", "y": "wait a second. wait a second, i got the angle."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, i just wish that some of the patients would be nicer to you.", "y": "the receptionist. that's my way in."}, {"x": "i like this. seduce the receptionist. that's a great plan.", "y": "that's not the plan. and how would that help me with stella?"}, {"x": "who?", "y": "here's the plan."}, {"x": "oh, wow, thank you, that's so nice. you're like a knight. i should call you sir ted.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "okay, i'm about to break my big rule here.", "y": "break it."}, {"x": "okay. abby goes bowling with her church group every wednesday nights...and she really wanted to invite you, but she's too shy.", "y": "abby is...?"}, {"x": "my receptionist. you really made quite an impression on her with the coffee the other day. i mean, she has really not stopped talking about you.", "y": "oh, abby. i thought you said \"alan.\""}, {"x": "but you just said, \"abby is...?\"", "y": "right. right, i thought i said \"alan.\""}, {"x": "who's alan?", "y": "who's abby?"}, {"x": "my receptionist.", "y": "exactly."}, {"x": "ted. you just got to be yourself, no more gimmicks.", "y": "you're right, no more gimmicks. one more gimmick."}, {"x": "it's actually a great book. it taught me the power of complete memory.", "y": "can i borrow your copy?"}, {"x": "i left it somewhere... i forget.", "y": "hi. ted mosby for dr. zinman."}, {"x": "hi, ted. i'll let her know.", "y": "telepathically?"}, {"x": "i am so sorry that i am late. i have, like, two minutes for lunch everyday.", "y": "it's crazy. yeah, i understand. i was just, uh, checking out the old bookshelf here. i see you've read 'the power of me'. it's funny..."}, {"x": "what? oh, no. no, no, no, no, no, i would never read that piece of crap. some patient left it here.", "y": "oh, thank god. i couldn't agree more. that's total crap. i see people reading that on the subway and i just want to shout, \"get a life, people!\""}, {"x": "ted, i found your book.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "your book 'the power of me'. i think you accidentally dropped it in the garbage.", "y": "what? no, that's... that's not mine. i've never seen that before in my life."}, {"x": "no, you were reading it in the lobby.", "y": "wha... no, you have me confused with someone else."}, {"x": "ted, i hate to say this, but i think it's \"nail the receptionist\" time.", "y": "i'm not gonna nail the receptionist."}, {"x": "ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.", "y": "no. i like stella."}, {"x": "okay, i'm gonna stop you right there, ted. your little stella is not so perfect.", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "i went down there and checked her out for myself. yeah. and while i was down there, i discovered that she had a secret, a terrible... terrible secret.", "y": "what? what is it?"}, {"x": "hold on, i gotta pee. okay, i'm back. what's going on at work?", "y": "what's the big secret?!"}, {"x": "when am i going to kick this folliculaphilia?", "y": "folliculaphilia?"}, {"x": "folliculaphilia.", "y": "what is that?"}, {"x": "ted, your perfect woman can only be attracted to men with moustaches.", "y": "that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. that's not real."}, {"x": "you're right, ted. i'm just making that up.", "y": "i know that you are because there's no such thing."}, {"x": "i got it a little bit.", "y": "hi. uh, ted mosby for dr. zinman."}, {"x": "sorry i'm late. typical two-minute lunch. so we are very close to getting...", "y": "why? just why?"}, {"x": "i'll bet anyone ten bucks i can get ted to grow a moustache.", "y": "uh... okay."}, {"x": "i know. i would've done it for free. but, no. you owe me ten bucks.", "y": "this is awful. my-my tenth session is next week. i'm gonna ask her out, and she's gonna say the most demoralizing syllable in the english language... no. you know what? just forget it. i'm not even gonna ask her."}, {"x": "no, you have to. she likes you. she said so herself. i mean...", "y": "oh, my god, you went and saw her, too."}, {"x": "oh, sir, your book!", "y": "no."}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "she said \"crush\"? and she was talking about me?"}, {"x": "all done.", "y": "stella...now that i'm no longer your patient, would you like to have dinner with me?"}, {"x": "ted, you're a really nice guy...", "y": "oh, no."}, {"x": "it has been so great getting to know you.", "y": "i am gonna k*ll marshall."}, {"x": "i've had so much fun these last ten weeks.", "y": "oh, my god, this is worse than the laser."}, {"x": "i have a daughter.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "her name's lucy. she's eight. work and being with her, that's pretty much my life. my social calendar is movie night with the girls once a month when i can get a sitter. i mean, i've been to one party in the past year... st. paddy's day... it was awful, i left early. but, really, my only free time is the two minutes i get for lunch, so... this is why i don't date. ted, i only have time for one most important person in my life, and that's lucy. anyway, it's been fun. next time, think before you ink. but if you ever do wake up with, like, a dolphin tattoo on your ankle, just give me a call.", "y": "there it is... she's a mom. it's just not gonna happen."}, {"x": "sorry, dude. have a shrimp.", "y": "i'm good. i guess i got no one but myself to blame. she told me right from the start she was gonna say no and sure enough... wait a minute."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "all this time you were, uh, you were supposed to say no, but you didn't... i checked the transcript. so, here's what i'm proposing. uh... you only have two minutes, right?"}, {"x": "right.", "y": "okay. you want to, uh... go on a a two-minute date with me?"}, {"x": "last two-minute date i had gave me a daughter. um... okay.", "y": "great. and... go. taxi!"}, {"x": "ted, i seriously only have two minutes...", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "that's like 120 seconds.", "y": "380 west 22nd, please. and step on it. we're in a hurry."}, {"x": "380 west 22nd? that's...", "y": "right this way."}, {"x": "house salad.", "y": "so, college?"}, {"x": "stanford.", "y": "uh-huh. wesleyan."}, {"x": "oh, good. do you know adam lazar?", "y": "no. scott crable?"}, {"x": "eggplant parmesean.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "oh, already cut up. nice.", "y": "could we get the check please. we're trying to make a movie in 15 seconds."}, {"x": "of course.", "y": "okay, great. uh, how do you want to do this? you had the eggplant parm. i only really had water so... i'm kidding. oh. okay. let's go. taxi! you nervous?"}, {"x": "a little bit.", "y": "you can't tell at all."}, {"x": "hello!", "y": "384 west 22nd."}, {"x": "15 seconds. the movie's started.", "y": "nah, previews. we'll be fine. ah! just in time. it hasn't started yet."}, {"x": "so, what are we seeing?", "y": "manos hands of fate."}, {"x": "the whole thing?", "y": "only the important parts. worst movie ever."}, {"x": "yeah, i almost walked out, like, five times.", "y": "how we doing on time? taxi!"}, {"x": "we got a little time.", "y": "okay. do you want to walk it?"}, {"x": "hello! good-bye!", "y": "so what grade's your daughter in?"}, {"x": "third grade.", "y": "ah! that's a good year."}, {"x": "yeah, she's wonderful. i just wish that i could get her to quit smoking, you know?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i'm kidding.", "y": "oh. look, coffee and dessert?"}, {"x": "you know, this neighborhood just keeps on changing. this used to be a cute, little italian restaurant.", "y": "i know. new york. it's a living organism, an ever-changing tapestry. ooh, look at the time. let's go."}, {"x": "mmm, the cheesecake's amazing.", "y": "flowers?"}, {"x": "i'm allergic.", "y": "okay. see? we're getting to know each other. stella, i had a lovely... doggy bag? stella, i had a lovely time."}, {"x": "me, too, ted.", "y": "and... date."}, {"x": "huh?", "y": "that wasn't so bad, right? no lengthy, awkward silences. dessert ran a little long, so... i had to cut the good-night kiss."}, {"x": "i think i can be late just once. ted...", "y": "look, i would love to have a second date, i would. but i understand that you really don't have time right now, but if you ever do, will you give me a call?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "all my friends told me, \"abby, be strong. he doesn't deserve another chance.\" but i forgive you!", "y": "no, no, no, no!"}, {"x": "hey.what's with the blackboard?", "y": "it's our ncaa bracket."}, {"x": "dumb ass.", "y": "big board!"}, {"x": "we found it. no big deal. anyway, every year, ted and i go in together on this big money pool out in staten island.", "y": "yeah. the winner gets $100,000 stuffed in a duffel bag."}, {"x": "why do you guys put yourselves through this? you lose every year.", "y": "that's because in the past, we were just guessing. this year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. this isn't march madness. this is march meticulously thought-outness."}, {"x": "your team lost 20 minutes ago.", "y": "i didn't know they were playing today."}, {"x": "pet store?", "y": "single girl, mid-twenties, looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her. instead, finds barney."}, {"x": "god bless you, ted. you're reading my blog.", "y": "i'm really bored at work."}, {"x": "nah, it's not karma. she's stripping in vegas. plus, we're good.", "y": "look, if you want to figure out who it is, why don't you just start by checking your list?"}, {"x": "i have one. it's called my marriage license.", "y": "come on, let's see the list."}, {"x": "i don't know, barney. i only saw her face.", "y": "how many of these girls know they're being photographed?"}, {"x": "it's fake proposal girl. i mean, she hired a wedding planner!", "y": "it's 12 hours to live! that girl flew them both to paris!"}, {"x": "okay, toss up. \"thought i was jorge posada,\" or \"you have my dead wife's kidney?\"", "y": "kidney!"}, {"x": "lost at sea!", "y": "fake baby!"}, {"x": "lost at sea!", "y": "i was there. trust me. it's fake baby."}, {"x": "down to the sweet 16. and coming out of the upper west side, we have the number three seed, \"girl who thought i owned google,\" up against the number seven seed, \"girl who thought i was a scuba instructor.\"", "y": "you got to go scuba instructor."}, {"x": "you're kidding me!", "y": "she got the bends!"}, {"x": "evil twin!", "y": "prince of norway! how could it not be prince of norway?!"}, {"x": "i'm going with evil twin.", "y": "you're kidding me!"}, {"x": "mosby?", "y": "i want to call my mom, just tell her i love her."}, {"x": "i'll pretend to be the girl that you're hitting on.", "y": "i don't know. that's a lot riding on a girl who giggles when she lies."}, {"x": "i do not.", "y": "have you ever fallen asleep while eating ribs?"}, {"x": "uh, i'm going to go to the bathroom now, but, uh, when i come back we'll go to my place and have sex.", "y": "dude, dude, dude, look. blonde girl heading over to robin right now. we are go."}, {"x": "not even on bracket. cinderella story comes out of nowhere to win the whole thing. that'll warm your heart.", "y": "are you okay?"}, {"x": "beer.", "y": "okay, what happened?"}, {"x": "so that brings us to today. a little background. so i'm working on this report called \"using 23-b-3 spurious class action precedent to contest a class certification order based on a lack of commonality, numerosity...\"", "y": "dude, you lost us. can't you just call it something cool like \"the ninja report\"?"}, {"x": "barney, i have never been screamed at like that in my life.", "y": "come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?"}, {"x": "yeah, about that... so arthur's busy giving me the full screaming treatment... face turning red, vein in his forehead about to burst, spittle flying like shrapnel. everyone you work with walking by your office, peering in. and suddenly, i just felt all of it.", "y": "all of what?"}, {"x": "then why are you still in my office?", "y": "okay, g*n v*olence might be the answer to everything up in canada, robin, but here in america, we solve our problems with words. marshall, you go in and you dazzle this guy with a big eloquent speech defending human dignity. like abraham lincoln."}, {"x": "yeah, because it's so easy just to bust out a big, eloquent speech off the top of your head.", "y": "observe."}, {"x": "what do you want, marshall?", "y": "justice, sir. you see, we are all born with certain incontrovertible rights, the most fundamentally paramount of which is the right... wait, you can't be fundamentally paramount. one means highest, one means lowest."}, {"x": "you are nailing this.", "y": "human beings have rights, and those rights are, um..."}, {"x": "you got me hooked, reel me in.", "y": "there are certain justices that cannot or will not be inalienable... as such... for the future."}, {"x": "guys, guys, this is not helping, okay? i can't have some big confrontation with arthur. i need this job, i... i need the money.", "y": "yeah, but how good would it feel to walk in there tomorrow, tell him off and then quit?"}, {"x": "you heard me. i don't need to take your crap anymore. my cousin's website went public today, and i made a pile of money on the ipo, so you know what i think of this whole damn company?", "y": "oh, my god."}, {"x": "yes. the chain of screaming starts at the top. arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss. arthur's boss screams at arthur. arthur screams at you. you go home and scream at lily. lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. then that kid screams at her dad, arthur's boss's boss. and the whole thing starts all over again, thus completing the circle of screaming.", "y": "i thought it was a chain of screaming."}, {"x": "which of these carpets would look better in the new apartment? i like the color of this one, but this one's so soft. it would feel great on your bare feet......or your bare back, a bead of eager sweat rolling down your trembling bosom.", "y": "lily, didn't we just go through this with bathroom tiles?"}, {"x": "shh, don't say my name. lily can't know it's me. just pretend you're talking to stella. be all lovey dovey.", "y": "hey, stella. sweetie, how's it going?"}, {"x": "not good, not good at all.", "y": "where are you right now?"}, {"x": "right downstairs, come find me. without lily.", "y": "okay, i'll see you soon."}, {"x": "i love you.", "y": "i love you, too."}, {"x": "wow, you two are already saying the \"l\" word, huh?", "y": "apparently."}, {"x": "i'm in trouble, ted. ted, i'm freakin' out, man.", "y": "um... it's a new car, so just be careful..."}, {"x": "i did something stupid, can we just drive somewhere? i need to get away... just drive, man. please just drive.", "y": "it's just, this is a really good parking spot."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "look, just tell me what happened first."}, {"x": "remember how i said i was gonna give that big speech that lily told me to give, be firm but respectful? well, it didn't totally go that way.", "y": "there is a lot of ketchup on that burger. sorry, what happened?"}, {"x": "ooh, i like stories. you want a lick? what?", "y": "is that ice cream cone big enough?"}, {"x": "oh sweet, can i get a toot?", "y": "uh-uh. against car rules, it's against car rules!"}, {"x": "oh, ted, relax, it's cuban. people pay to have their car smell like this.", "y": "well, that's just not true."}, {"x": "no, no, no, the part where you said, \"i quit.\" now we don't have to pay you a severance package. uh, security's gonna rough you up a bit on the way out.", "y": "robin, you dropped a little ice cream..."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "i'm sorry."}, {"x": "how am i supposed to tell lily? she supported me through three years of law school, and now is the time when i'm supposed to pay her back. now we're gonna lose the apartment. the place where we were gonna raise our children. how am i supposed to tell the person who i love more than anything in this world that i've just thrown away our future?", "y": "everybody out, everybody out of the new car! out of the new car!"}, {"x": "wait, wait. did he break up with you and tell you he's just not that inuit?", "y": "um, something about fur trapping."}, {"x": "wait, wait, wait. did he...? i think i'm out.", "y": "yeah, i'm also \"oot. okay, now i'm really out."}, {"x": "you forgot to load the drum set.", "y": "no! tell me you did not load the drum set."}, {"x": "i have no idea what you' talking about.", "y": "yes, you do. whenever you haven't seen someone for a long time, no matter how much you want to deny it, there's always a clear winner and a clear loser."}, {"x": "thank you. okay. so, simon still lives with his mom.", "y": "point robin."}, {"x": "point simon.", "y": "wait. do they have a wave pool?"}, {"x": "oh, my god.", "y": "okay, what the hell just happened?"}, {"x": "oh, i work at the splish splash ottawa water slide park.", "y": "huh! a water slide park. that sure is different than what robin does."}, {"x": "yeah, it is... because i save lives. if i'm not sitting in that stool at the top of the slide, going... go.. go... go... people die. what, you think it's so easy? you try it.", "y": "um...... okay. go."}, {"x": "you didn't put your hand up; kid just d*ed.", "y": "no, i didn't know..."}, {"x": "another kid just went; he d*ed too.", "y": "oh, well, sure. i mean, if i was actually..."}, {"x": "the foreskins are still playing?", "y": "the foreskins? how'd you guys come up with that name?"}, {"x": "i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm sitting next to simon, and suddenly i'm 16 again.", "y": "oh, it's actually a common thing. when you're around someone from your past, you kind of revert back to who you were when you knew them. there's not really a name for it, though."}, {"x": "it's called \"revertigo.\"", "y": "yeah, i don't know about \"revertigo.\""}, {"x": "michelle? she sounds hot.", "y": "you don't know about lily and michelle?"}, {"x": "better.", "y": "comparable."}, {"x": "he asked you out?! oh, step into my web, simon.", "y": "the coup de grace."}, {"x": "finish him!", "y": "wait. you're going on a date with simon? that simon?the one we met?"}, {"x": "what's revertigo?", "y": "it's a stupid, made-up word with no meaning."}, {"x": "yeah. ted.", "y": "me?"}, {"x": "whenever ted's friend punchy comes into town, it's like, all of a sudden, ted's in high school again.", "y": "okay, okay. first of all, his name is adam punciarello, and i don't do that."}, {"x": "'sup, shmosby?!", "y": "you want to go?"}, {"x": "i'm already there!", "y": "dude, seriously, i'm sorry about your dad."}, {"x": "yeah, it was a real shock.", "y": "i can't believe you, of all people, are saying this."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "no reason."}, {"x": "young lady, get back here! thanks for your help.", "y": "hey, so, today at work..."}, {"x": "not now, ted!", "y": "geez."}, {"x": "what? you're kidding me. you're breaking up with me? again? f-for the same ex-girlfriend? in the same van? what is it? her-her parents got a pool? is that still the reason?", "y": "well... i'm sorry, robin."}, {"x": "mm. true dat. i'ma get me my champagne and grape soda on.", "y": "so, how's columbia?"}, {"x": "okay. this never happened. never happened. never... happened.", "y": "so, tell us, what was it like?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "penetrating that barrier. you and i are the first ones to hit it. well, not the first ones, certainly, but the first ones at this table."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?!", "y": "the big three-oh. you know, my 30th birthday's this friday. did you forget? what kind of friend is this guy?"}, {"x": "i'm good.", "y": "oh, so, i made a a decision. i'm going to go through all my old stuff, and i'm getting rid of anything i have no use for anymore. hmm. barney, you want my xbox?"}, {"x": "ted, she has a name! and just what are you accusing me of?", "y": "liking video games?"}, {"x": "you're really gonna pretend this never happened?", "y": "what never happened? what are you guys talking about?"}, {"x": "nothing.", "y": "guys, cut the act. i know. i know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. marshall let it slip earlier today. hey, i'll totally act surprised and everything. just be sure to invite stella."}, {"x": "i know, i know. i already called an animal rescue, and they're going to come get her on monday.", "y": "monday?! where's she going to sleep and eat and go to the bathroom?! okay, where's she going to sleep and eat?"}, {"x": "i-i guess i'll keep her up on the roof.", "y": "look, call me crazy. i just... i don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea."}, {"x": "hey, ted. you ready to, um... where'd the goat turd come from?", "y": "how'd you know that was a goat turd?"}, {"x": "well, it was either that, or a musk ox turd, and i figured,what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here?", "y": "hey. guess what your wife brought home."}, {"x": "attorney-client privilege.i can't talk about it.", "y": "talk about what?"}, {"x": "nothing. how was your day? oh, goat turd on the floor,i see. is that new?", "y": "how does everyone know that's a goat turd?"}, {"x": "marshall, you can't look me in the eye, you're blushing, coughing, and your hands are shaking.", "y": "robin, come here!"}, {"x": "so he saved you from an avalanche?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "and he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "and you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer who used to be a member of the russian mob?", "y": "da."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "yeah, yeah. it was crazy. this one girl was like... oh, hey."}, {"x": "okay. bye.", "y": "whoa, you guys went all out."}, {"x": "okay, everyone, ted's in the limo, five-minute warning! everyone get ready! oh, missy, are you excit?? yes, you are!", "y": "whoa, we're leaving the city. where the hell is this party?"}, {"x": "vegas.", "y": "vegas? i thought the party was on the rooftop."}, {"x": "surprise! just a decoy, my friend.", "y": "so there's no roof party?"}, {"x": "oh, no. there is. we're just not going. this is how good a friend i am. they want you to spent your 30th standing around drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. but not me, bro. i pulled out all the stops. private jet, valderrama suite at the bellagio. steaks at boa, scotch at ghostbar, then two ringside seats to watch floyd mayatather go ten rounds with, wait for it... a grizzly bear!", "y": "take me home, barney."}, {"x": "no! we have to go to vegas. look, ted, i didn't want to say this, but... there's something that i have to tell you, and i wanted you to be in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it.", "y": "you slept with robin."}, {"x": "when did you find out?", "y": "hey, robin. come here!"}, {"x": "what's up?", "y": "i was, uh, just going through some old stuff and i..."}, {"x": "oh, crap!", "y": "anyway, uh, i came across this."}, {"x": "from my vacacation in vermont.", "y": "yeah. i don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours."}, {"x": "i slept with barney!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it was just one time, it, it was the night that simon dumped me and i was in a really vulnerable place and i, i wanted to just pretend like it never happened, but i couldn't, and... i can't. i just, i had to tell you. and... i just hope that we can still be friends.", "y": "of course we can still be friends."}, {"x": "so you're not mad?", "y": "well, i'm... it's a little weird, but, um... no, i'm not mad."}, {"x": "so you're not mad?", "y": "no, i'm not mad. i mean, robin and i broke up a year ago. we've, we've both dated lots of people since then. i'm with stella now. seriously, i...i'm fine with this."}, {"x": "i'm so relieved to hear you say that.", "y": "yeah. yeah. oh, hey, i just remembered, um, my mom is coming into town next month. maybe you'd like to nail her, too!"}, {"x": "i'm sorry. is he all smooth down there?", "y": "three billion women on the planet! three billion! and you have to sleep with the one that i dated for a year! are you kidding me? are you kidding me?! robin?!"}, {"x": "you think i'm proud of this?! i'm horrified that this happened.", "y": "how did it happen? huh? barney, i want to know. tell me exactly how it happened."}, {"x": "okay. okay. you're pissed. you deserve to be. fine. you know what? one free sh*t. on me. anywhere but the face. who punches someone in the groin? okay.okay. i deserved that. i deserved that. but what's important now is... we're passed this whole robin thing now, right?", "y": "you think that this is just about robin? this is about... you know, i've seen you do some bad stuff. i mean some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. i just always thought there had to be a limit. i always thought i was the limit. you're always spouting off these rules for bros. isn't one of them, \"don't do this\"?"}, {"x": "yeah. and i broke it. i'm sorry. but, ted...seriously, this suite at the bellagio...", "y": "i am not going to vegas with you! i'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. the fact that you think i would... you know, barney,earlier this week i started putting things in a box and that box was labeled \"stuff i have no use for anymore.\""}, {"x": "what does that mean?", "y": "it means... maybe you belong in that box."}, {"x": "are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?", "y": "i'm saying i don't want to be friends anymore."}, {"x": "okay, i'm going to stop you right there, because it seems like you're about to say something that's going to pretty much ruin vegas.", "y": "ranjit, stop the car. i'm getting a cab."}, {"x": "are you saying you don't wanna be bros anymore?", "y": "i'm saying i don't wanna be friends anymore."}, {"x": "ted, i'm sorry, i haven't returned your calls.", "y": "yeah i never called you, you called me fifteen times and my parents twice."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, i gotta let you go. it's just too many good wingmen out there. ted are you crying?", "y": "no i'm not."}, {"x": "sh! let it out, let it out.", "y": "goodbye barney."}, {"x": "so are you two back together?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "you know what? i'm not sure that's true. i think i actually prefered if you are mad at me. this is too weird.", "y": "i'm not mad at anybody. i've forgiven you. and i've outgrown barney as a friend. it's that's simple."}, {"x": "you guys haven't had sex yet!!?? when marshall and i were two months, we were doing it 24/7.", "y": "i know, i was in the top bunk. also sat next to you at football games."}, {"x": "so what you guys waiting for?", "y": "i think she wants to make sure we are serious first, that's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter either. she wants to take things slow."}, {"x": "yeah, i do. we ode that dude big time.", "y": "look, i'm crazy about this girl, if waiting is what it takes, then i'm fine with that. and totally unrelated note. does anybody have gamma icer or a piece of bark that you are not chewing?"}, {"x": "so i lanced this thing on this guy's back, and i'll be honest with you, i didn't even know what it was, and then it exploded like a volcano. plus everywhere.", "y": "let's have sex. right now, i'll lock the door."}, {"x": "oh, there is no lock on that door.", "y": "we can do it against the door. it'll be hot! it'll be like a three-way you, me and the door."}, {"x": "yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird between me and the door tomorrow.", "y": "i'm sorry. we're waiting. it's cool."}, {"x": "you've been so patient ted. the truth is... i'm kind of nervous. i have a confession to make.", "y": "i was afraid of this. you're 14."}, {"x": "no, um... it's kind of embarrassing, but it's been a while since i was intimate with anyone.", "y": "wow. it's funny that you say that. me too."}, {"x": "really? how long it's been for you?", "y": "it's been a while."}, {"x": "me too!", "y": "it's been five months for you too?"}, {"x": "look, after lucy was born, i dated a little, but it was hard to find a guy i could trust enough. sooner or later, every one of them gave me a reason not to.", "y": "but nobody in five years?"}, {"x": "look, ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. girls regret the guys they do sleep with. and for the past five years, i've had no regrets. ted, you're staring at my boobs.", "y": "in my defense, they were staring at me."}, {"x": "so what does this mean for you? is she ever wanna want to get intimate?", "y": "actually..."}, {"x": "but the truth is, i really do want to do this with you. i don't think i'd regret it at all.", "y": "your pillow talk's a little rusty."}, {"x": "you know what i mean ted, i'm ready.", "y": "that's great. like \"right now\" ready?"}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "it's a lot of pressure, isn't it?"}, {"x": "oh, san francisco!", "y": "i don't know lily, after five years, her expectations have gotta be pretty high."}, {"x": "notable deaths in 2003... oh my god... nell carter. did you guys know that nell carter had d*ed?", "y": "i really gonna have to bring my a-game to satisfy this woman."}, {"x": "yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead.", "y": "not nell carter... stella."}, {"x": "dude, relax, it's all about expectations management. do you know why i hated jerry maguire so much?", "y": "because you're dead inside?"}, {"x": "no, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, saying it was the greatest movie ever. with stella, do the opposite lower expectations.", "y": "right, right, and then no matter what happens, she'll be happy."}, {"x": "uh... just need to check my calendar. be right back. tomorrow works.", "y": "i have a surprise appetizer for us today. check it out. potato skins."}, {"x": "fancy?", "y": "yeah. right? god, it's been forever since i had potato skins. i remember them as being pretty much the most delicious things ever. huh. that's surprising."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "this potato skin. it's good but not nearly as good as i'd built it up to be in my head. even though potato skin performed admirably, and is a totally respectable size... i couldn't enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations."}, {"x": "hmm, ted, i see what you're doing. you're trying to lower my expectations for tonight. is this a lengh thing?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "quick on the draw?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "unexpected number of testicules?", "y": "no. it's just that this is a big deal for you. i mean, it's like your virginity the sequel."}, {"x": "virginity 2 eletric boogaloo?", "y": "exactly, and i don't want to mess it up. i don't want you to ever wonder if was worth it."}, {"x": "oh ted, of course it's gonna be worth it. stop worrying. it's you and me. it already has everything it needs.", "y": "\"unexpected number of testicules?\""}, {"x": "hey, laddies. have you met...", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "so, here's the plan. take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, and it just so happens the philharmonic is playing an open-air..."}, {"x": "ted. five years.", "y": "straight to the hotel?"}, {"x": "straight to the hotel.", "y": "i'll get my bag."}, {"x": "nothing. pizza. what are you talking about?", "y": "hey guys."}, {"x": "ted, you told them, didn't you?", "y": "told them what?"}, {"x": "you haven't had sex in five years??!! that is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out right now!", "y": "stella, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have told them. but they're my best friends. i tell them everything. i-i didn't even think about it."}, {"x": "ted, that was so personal. plus, now your friends think i'm a freak.", "y": "no, they don't."}, {"x": "you're kidding me. seriously, aren't you sick of these things?", "y": "hey, how was your day?"}, {"x": "today, i yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow.", "y": "a rainbow? sounds like that bitch had it coming."}, {"x": "we can sell my stuff, too, but i got to tell you, i think your marc jacobs cocktail dress is going to go for a lot more than my \"split happens\" bowling shirt.", "y": "dude."}, {"x": "oh, cool.", "y": "this is insane. has lily even worn half this stuff?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn?", "y": "as a matter of fact, no, there isn't."}, {"x": "whatever, red cowboy boots.", "y": "those are nice boots. i totally pull those off."}, {"x": "his red cowboy boots.", "y": "i totally pull them off! it's a classic western look."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "pulling... them... off."}, {"x": "wow! i really like that painting! it's neat! the-the colors are neat. the-the shapes are neat. it's really just... neat. what?", "y": "observe. i think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost kandinsky-like emotional resonance."}, {"x": "yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche.", "y": "can you clarify something for me about your critique? are the colors \"neat\" or are they more \"neato burrito?\""}, {"x": "uh, then again, red cowboy boots.", "y": "i pull these off! i pull these off!"}, {"x": "well, that's the best part. a gay couple without kids. a g-cwok!", "y": "you bagged a g-cwok?!"}, {"x": "yeah, that's right. they are the heart and soul of the art-buying community.", "y": "you know what you should do? you should call up the g-cwoks and offer them a free painting if they throw a private art party for all their g-cwok friends."}, {"x": "ted, fancy bumping into you here. have you guys met my girlfriend abby?", "y": "uh, yeah."}, {"x": "hi, abby.", "y": "hello, abby. so, uh, s-so you guys are dating now?"}, {"x": "you don't have to say it, though.", "y": "uh, okay, barney, you can stop."}, {"x": "we can't stop breathing, ted. your hair looks amazing.", "y": "um, barney, i, i see what you're doing. please stop."}, {"x": "that's you.", "y": "uh, yeah, i don't think abby knows you're kidding."}, {"x": "no, lily, they love me, but that's not the important part.", "y": "here's the important part."}, {"x": "pulling... them.... off.", "y": "i'll be in the cab."}, {"x": "oh, i'm sorry, ted. i can't. mark johnson, the quarterback from your high school football team, already asked me.", "y": "it's ted!"}, {"x": "hey, lily needs some gift ideas for stella's wedding shower. does she like to cook?", "y": "actually, i don't know."}, {"x": "what's her favorite color?", "y": "don't know that either."}, {"x": "well, does she have any hobbies?", "y": "yes. she's exactly the kind of person who would have hobbies. and interests, too. i am one lucky son of a bitch."}, {"x": "dude, you don't know anything about the woman you're marrying.", "y": "what? you're crazy! i know plenty."}, {"x": "what color are her eyes?", "y": "the color of the ocean after a storm."}, {"x": "which is?", "y": "beautiful."}, {"x": "i sleep with that chick, i'm thinking about robin.", "y": "okay, so i don't know every single detail about stella. what's really about? do you not like her or something?"}, {"x": "no, ted, i like stella a lot. she's a mets fan.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "it's just that everything with you has moved so fast. you've only known each other a few months. don't you think maybe you should slow things down a little bit? get to know each other better?", "y": "i'll have a whole life time to get to know her better. right now, i know the one thing that i have to that i love her."}, {"x": "i know dudes think it's girlie for a guy to cook, but us ladies? we find it mighty sexy.", "y": "really? you know... my grandma taught me how."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, she did.", "y": "yeah. i had a lot of time after school to watch her cook because i wasn't good at sports."}, {"x": "i'm on fire right now. delicious. what's in this pesto?", "y": "oh, you know, the usual basil, garlic, olive oil, but can you guess my secret ingredient?"}, {"x": "peanuts.", "y": "yes. how did you know that?"}, {"x": "you know what, sweetie? i woke up so early and i had a really long day at work. and there was that whole thing where you tried to k*ll me. can we please just go to sleep?", "y": "no, i clearly need to know more about you. let's do firsts. first kiss?"}, {"x": "ok, yeah, dale harris, second grade.", "y": "first time you had sex."}, {"x": "dale harris, second...", "y": "stop it."}, {"x": "billy devito, sophomore year of college.", "y": "prude. molly mckenzie, junior year of high school."}, {"x": "robin, i was wondering if... nothing. gotta go. bye. that was just a practical joke. i'm not really in love with robin. you should've seen the look on your face. there's cameras right there and there and there. what a legendary prank that we're never going to speak of again.", "y": "first movie you ever saw."}, {"x": "benji,1981. i watched it recently with lucy and i just thought, \"oh, that dog is so dead right now.\" what about you?", "y": "my dad took me to an old drive-in to see the original star wars."}, {"x": "she's never seen star wars?! ted, the only people in the universe who haven't seen star wars are the characters, and that's 'cause they lived them. that's 'cause they lived thestar wars.", "y": "you've got to calm down."}, {"x": "i told you. you didn't know this girl well enough. what if... you show it to her, she doesn't like it?", "y": "dude, it's just a movie."}, {"x": "star wars is your all-time favorite movie, and whether or not stella likes it is actually important. it's like, it's a test of how compatible you guys are.", "y": "it's just a movie. it's just a movie!"}, {"x": "you can't.", "y": "you want to watch it again?"}, {"x": "wish me luck.", "y": "i just thought it'd be fun to watch a movie tonight, and since you've never seen star wars, i figured why not? no big deal. it's pretty good."}, {"x": "sounds like a plan. i'm gonna grab a beer. you want one?", "y": "the movie's already started, so..."}, {"x": "it's some words flying through space. i'm not going to read that anyway.", "y": "oh, my god. marshall appears behind the couch."}, {"x": "off to a bad start.", "y": "what are you doing down there?"}, {"x": "i'm making sure my best friend is marrying the right woman. that's what i'm doing.", "y": "what are you doing, hiding behind the couch? you need to get a job."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "nothing."}, {"x": "you were staring at me.", "y": "you look really beautiful tonight."}, {"x": "you don't look so bad yourself, mister. she kisses him on the neck", "y": "great scene, great scene. star wars fun fact number seven... george lucas based the film's structure on akira kurosawa's the hidden fortress. he also owes a debt to campbell's work with comparative mythology."}, {"x": "yeah, ted, i'm losing wood over here. what's going on?", "y": "nothing."}, {"x": "should i leave, too?", "y": "what part, what part?"}, {"x": "she's up to the scene where luke, leia, han and chewy escape from the death star's trash compactor.", "y": "great scene."}, {"x": "great scene! okay, we should have just heard... but stella didn't make a peep.", "y": "i'm gonna take a look. she's not even watching. she's texting."}, {"x": "i'll tell her you still want to be friends.", "y": "i don't believe this. i believe, she knows this is important to me. she's blatantly.. \"stop watching me, jackasses.\""}, {"x": "i loved it.", "y": "yes! i am marrying a woman who is not only hot but loves star wars. that's the dream."}, {"x": "what was that?", "y": "i was high-fiving 15-year-old me through the space-time continuum. we did it. we did it, you masturbating little bastard. champagne for everybody. ted leaves the room."}, {"x": "goliath national bank. the world leader in credit and banking. god, i love goliath national bank!", "y": "okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. and, second, why are you so excited about some bank?"}, {"x": "you are sad, you are beaten down, you will get through this, come home, get in your big underpants and take a nap.", "y": "so, what do you guys want to do for dinner?"}, {"x": "five burgers.", "y": "really? you want to eat here?"}, {"x": "five burgers.", "y": "wait. what about sushi?"}, {"x": "italian.", "y": "i had italian for lunch."}, {"x": "no. we always do this. we spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. i haven't eaten for two days. can we please, for the love of god, just order something now?", "y": "chinese?"}, {"x": "i don't like chinese.", "y": "indian?"}, {"x": "i just said i don't like chinese.", "y": "indian isn't chinese."}, {"x": "weird meats, funny music, side of rice. why are we splitting hairs?", "y": "mexican?"}, {"x": "my god. this burger is so good. it's like christmas in my mouth, meat christmas.", "y": "it's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at maclaren's. where the chef k*lled it and ran it through the meat grinder."}, {"x": "oh, thank god it's just you.", "y": "you are being ridiculous. tell me, you left the apartment today?"}, {"x": "why would i have to leave? i can have anything i want delivered, and new york city cable is awesome. have you seen this public access show with the old jewish lady in a bikini? it's disgusting.", "y": "marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. you are not gonna get mugged."}, {"x": "what if i do, ted. i don't have a switchblade. i don't know how to break-dance and win the begrudging respect of a street g*ng.", "y": "that's it, you're taking a walk. come on, go."}, {"x": "no. look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. i'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable.", "y": "go outside, go, go."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "leave the bat."}, {"x": "so, i went inside.", "y": "oh, my god. i'm so sorry. are you okay?"}, {"x": "i'm all right. ted, i've just had the most amazing burger of my life! it's this awesome little place, regis philbin eats there, so it's sort of like a celebrity hot spot. but the burger. the burger. dude.", "y": "i want one of those burgers right now! do you think they're still open?"}, {"x": "you couldn't find it?", "y": "we didn't know our way around. just getting back to the apartment took us three hours and one very helpful drag queen."}, {"x": "but none of those places even came close.", "y": "there was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?"}, {"x": "how lame is free a*t*matic bill pay? how lame is 3.3% apy online savings? yeah, that's right. hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. he laughs.", "y": "we should probably call regis."}, {"x": "all right.", "y": "oh my god. i'm never brushing my teeth again unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger."}, {"x": "it's not it.", "y": "marshall, you might not want to hear this, but... is it at all possible this is the same"}, {"x": "marshall's not doing so well, guys. he really needs to get a job.", "y": "tell them about the underpants."}, {"x": "it was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. i thought, \"okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that.\" then, one day, he opened the door to get the paper. day after that, went downstairs to get the mail.", "y": "everyone's got an underpants radius. for most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom, but as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger."}, {"x": "how big is marshall's underpants radius?", "y": "come on, lily, he'll find a job eventually."}, {"x": "we've got to find marshall that burger.", "y": "lily, i think we're all eating that burger."}, {"x": "yeah, we get this a lot. this place is modelled after this other place uptown with the same green door and \"burger\" sign.", "y": "what? uptown? where?"}, {"x": "i don't understand. where is the burger place?", "y": "it's not a burger place anymore; it's a goliath national bank atm."}, {"x": "that's fine. let's just eat here.", "y": "we can't eat here. it's an atm."}, {"x": "i love you.", "y": "robin, no!"}, {"x": "they're unopened.", "y": "give it."}, {"x": "they're barbecue.", "y": "give it!"}, {"x": "i paid for the cab.", "y": "i have any cash."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "all right, marshall, remember. it might not taste as good. this place has changed, you've changed, new york has changed. just... don't get your hopes up too high, okay?"}, {"x": "i hope not.", "y": "there he is."}, {"x": "the future, and i can prove it to you. in exactly four seconds, the woman at this table will slap this man.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "you have not finished? why is it so long?", "y": "the best memories of our 20 years were held in it. it's not that throw stuff in a box. you look back at the past."}, {"x": "moving is very moving.", "y": "but it is. finally, everything changes. i will live with stella, you will be in your new apartment. you start a new job in tokyo. this is the end of an era. we should make a toast, but not with the usual sh*t. your bottle of scotch the most expensive."}, {"x": "this is a glen mckenna 50 years, and it is $ 2 500.", "y": "excellent. a bottle of beer with it, and what do you think will cancel the scotch?"}, {"x": "my god! how do you know that?", "y": "look at this. a photo of the day we moved. so many good memories."}, {"x": "well, that's exactly the kind of crap to throw away.", "y": "so you keep a photograph?"}, {"x": "it's like love letters, directories or the ashes of people.they take up space. in addition, she will let you not keep half your mess.", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "oh, dear. that's what the guys know that after moving in with a woman. all your stuff are idiots.", "y": "like what?"}, {"x": "like everything else you bought the medieval festivals.", "y": "there is not enough drinks in the world that i drop my scourge."}, {"x": "as you will not get bail, i thought you could pay me half.", "y": "wait, why i pay more?"}, {"x": "because you've treated this apart as john bonham treated his nervous system.", "y": "that's not true."}, {"x": "what is it?", "y": "an encyclopedia \"world book\" of 1986. it is with these that i grew up."}, {"x": "encyclopedia?", "y": "do you think we should say-die encyclo-pil. it's a common mistake. but if you look at the direction of the bar on the \"e\". the symbol of this encyclopedia, you'll know it is a diacritic which aims to change..."}, {"x": "let's go!", "y": "catch it, guys!"}, {"x": "i'll break!", "y": "girls, stop!"}, {"x": "for america.", "y": "it's good enough!"}, {"x": "this is an intervention.", "y": "about the hat."}, {"x": "oh my god. this is one of p'tain of pleasant surprise. this is about what?", "y": "this is about the exaggerated english accent."}, {"x": "it smells like hair!", "y": "it's weird. by removing the closet, i thought i saw the banner."}, {"x": "and?", "y": "and the flag was b*rned. why new? and there are letters from you all, with \"ted\" written on it. you prepare a response for me?"}, {"x": "well, that was stupid. yes, forget it.", "y": "that was why? the sandals? hair products?"}, {"x": "no stella.", "y": "my god, it was for stella."}, {"x": "i just said \"no stella.\" it was perhaps for your hearing problems.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it's getting serious. you see?", "y": "you think i should not marry stella. you think i should not marry."}, {"x": "like i said, it was stupid.", "y": "obviously, it was not, it had agreed to make interventions more stupid to work on interventions."}, {"x": "yes! in the mouth! you said that the \"barney the future\" work out. you told me i was crazy. my shrink told me i was crazy. which is the narcissist with severe emotional disorders, dr. grossbard? a banner of intervention?that's what?", "y": "stella."}, {"x": "\"i can not remain indifferent... \"", "y": "you kept it on you?"}, {"x": "i did not challenge. i would love to see it, but i've not challenged.", "y": "i want to hear the other letters."}, {"x": "this is ridiculous. it changed his mind.", "y": "and if you changed yet? go lily, listen to yours."}, {"x": "i'd like.", "y": "i can hear yours?"}, {"x": "\"dear ted, it's encyclo-pe-die, not encyclo-pil-die. why you always want to say things so pretentious? looks like a moron, and it's cr-e-tin and non-cr-ay-tin. \"", "y": "you've already read the intervention on my pronunciation. where is the letter of stella?"}, {"x": "water has flowed under the bridge...", "y": "come on."}, {"x": "\"dear ted, stella seems to be wonderful. but you do not know enough to get married. you do not know probably not enough to get involved in raising a child with her. you do not restore her service or her child or yourself by throwing yourself like that. just take a little longer. \" it was there for months, ok?that was before we know stella and that way as she's great and what you train super torque. that's why we decided to not make this statement.", "y": "thank you. because i really need you to handle it."}, {"x": "and we hope you're not sorry.", "y": "of course not. it's not like what you said was nonsense.you you were worried."}, {"x": "but concerns that a completely expelled.", "y": "but you score a point. it all happened very quickly."}, {"x": "you know what? this may be because... when it's good, you know.", "y": "i guess, but we are still at the stage where one seeks to know himself. and lily, you may be right. stella will not like my stuff. as the robot pot cake. this is the first thing we bought here, remember?"}, {"x": "of course it does. my sensors indicate that your shortbread levels are dangerously low.", "y": "my collection of james bond. you know, we looked at them in order, and... lily spoke with this weird english accent, until the next month?"}, {"x": "it was sophisticated.", "y": "my cleats signed by bernie kosar. my lamp elephant.the english phone booth. my sombrero!"}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i unpack. i never leave this apartment."}, {"x": "ted, stop unpacking. you're in the process of pinball.", "y": "i'm not ready for this responsibility, let alone to be the stepfather of a 7 year old daughter. if i get married and moved to the suburbs, in a twinkling, i exchange old!"}, {"x": "i'm on it. hey, man?", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "come here a minute.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "everybody says it's good to change, right? but it's what's good?", "y": "who wants to go to the same old bar, sit at the same place and drink the same thing? the same thing! my favorite!"}, {"x": "this proves that i will be as great as that when i have 80 years. tope my arthritis.", "y": "i am moving to new jersey."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "and you should move into the new apartment, and robin should go to japan."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "because it will age like it or not, then the real question is do we want to go forward or clinging desperately to the past and end up like that?"}, {"x": "it is french, it's like playing tennis without a net.", "y": "you know what? i take care of the warranty. it makes me happy, because every hole in this apartment is a memory i will never forget. but on one condition you put all 10 tickets aside every week for next year and come back here and buy this tape 50 years of age, and a toast to the incredible year full of change that we had it. remove from us. my new family and i, marshall and lily, in their apartment and robin in a number of english-language journalists in the west pacific, ending up here in new york to celebrate this day... the day we closed one chapter of our lives incredibly, to open a new one."}, {"x": "i had to leave my laptop...", "y": "remove from here."}, {"x": "it's amazing.", "y": "it's smoky, with hints of cedar and old... you see the difference between that and tape for $ 10?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "good idea. i have the tape."}, {"x": "i'll just finish this.", "y": "it was just dinner with her sister stella and her boyfriend.they married before us."}, {"x": "i'll finish it.", "y": "it seems that the lamb is great here."}, {"x": "i'm vegan. i wish i could silence that voice in me that says eating animals is m*rder, but i guess i'm not as strong as you.", "y": "did you need protein. i take the lamb."}, {"x": "i hate it! i hate him. god, this steak is good. 4 days before and he fled with a consultant from whole foods? i do my make-up more for him. i do not shower more for him. i shave armpits more for him.", "y": "hard to know where is the problem."}, {"x": "you think about what? it might help.", "y": "no, stella, it should help. pay for dinner. do not worry.taking charge."}, {"x": "it's true. recovering your marriage, we reimburse you all that you paid for. ted and i are getting married sunday.", "y": "we get married on sunday? it is sure to be ready for this?"}, {"x": "i've wasted years waiting for the father of lucy decides to be \"ready\" for it, but it has ever been. that's why we had never married. come on, must be spontaneous, i dreamed that tony is spontaneous like that.", "y": "i'm leaving. and i'm also... spontaneous. i would not have done that."}, {"x": "i can not. i am in tokyo. this is my first week. i can not leave like this. in addition, i am finally serious information.", "y": "this is my marriage. you gotta be there."}, {"x": "ok, i'll be there. i gotta go. good evening. and i'm robin scherbatsky. the talks have been arrested in the middle east. despite a promising start in the final negotiations, the talks foundered on security.", "y": "it is."}, {"x": "okay, burial of bachelorhood. tonight, i have three exotic dancers most flexible physically and mentally that you've ever seen...", "y": "no time."}, {"x": "i'll tell you.", "y": "do we really have to rent the cars for tomorrow."}, {"x": "the programs are great. it is not our names on it, but otherwise it looks nice.", "y": "actually, i spoke to robin. it is a little late, but it will be there on time."}, {"x": "you're invited robin?", "y": "yes, of course."}, {"x": "you gave me no warning. i'm not sure what to think.", "y": "can i help you? are you happy. you like him."}, {"x": "yes, but it's your ex girlfriend. it's weird.", "y": "but no."}, {"x": "when the former are present, i dunno, it brings back...things unresolved. close with your ex, do you know that the flame will not turn back?", "y": "come on, we're friends. in addition, we already had our thanksgiving last relapse, it is not old."}, {"x": "have you bet money against you in this quarrel?", "y": "she already has his ticket."}, {"x": "it's important to me. i would have never invited the father of lucy.", "y": "it would not bother me. tony is great. invite him too."}, {"x": "no, tony is the last person i want to see here, ok? and robin is the penultimate.", "y": "what should i do?"}, {"x": "what? no. robin must come.", "y": "that's true, this is my best friend. girl friend. my best friend girl."}, {"x": "what are you parl...", "y": "aldrin justice, the last word."}, {"x": "ok, this would be weird without robin. but not contradict the bride.", "y": "i will not tell him to come."}, {"x": "it's the right decision.", "y": "it's gonna be the worst phone call of all time."}, {"x": "ok, in a few hours. have a good flight. bad news. i can not have it. robin is gone.", "y": "ok, robin arrives. you know, i'm fine. the former should be able to go to weddings. i'll tell stella to do with."}, {"x": "you should be more delicate with stella about robin.", "y": "what do you mean by \"delicate\"?"}, {"x": "poor stella must be the crazy one month in three days.", "y": "what do i do?"}, {"x": "you wait for the next crisis, the rules you, you're a hero.after, you dealt with on about robin, but this time she will say yes.", "y": "and if there is no other crises?"}, {"x": "this is a bride. there will be another crisis.", "y": "there is a new crisis."}, {"x": "my daughter, my daughter does not come to our wedding.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "tony was the lead here tomorrow, but cash hurt my marriage, and he will not take him. it's been 5 years. why not turn the page?", "y": "so, first thing tomorrow i'm going to talk to him, convince him to let me take lucy, then boom, crisis solved. stella is happy. robin comes to marriage."}, {"x": "sorry, sorry dude. you have my alarm activated defense. you must remember these things. stay alert, rest life.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "what brings you here? i thought you'd be in a bridal suite with my wife.", "y": "not yet. soon."}, {"x": "that's right, tonight is the big night. oh, man, you gonna make love to the mother of my daughter.", "y": "actually, i've already had sex many times. why i always corrects people?"}, {"x": "you and stella. you're lucky. i could just... i am very happy for you.", "y": "look, here's the thing..."}, {"x": "you can not take it.", "y": "tony, stop. it is also a great day for lucy. you'll have to put your problems aside and think about what is best for her.whether you like it or not, it really should be the wedding of his mother. i take lucy with me."}, {"x": "you're right, man. you're right. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. it's just... you see all... made me realize what i had.", "y": "let's cuddle."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. lucy is everything to me. i will lose it with this family, i am not one.", "y": "but you're part of."}, {"x": "i have not been invited to the wedding.", "y": "you are now."}, {"x": "no chance.", "y": "let me talk to stella first."}, {"x": "what does robin here? i thought i was clear. no ex at our wedding.", "y": "to be fair... your ex is here."}, {"x": "you've invited!", "y": "come on, it's not weird."}, {"x": "your father has finally finished drooling? who wants ice cream?", "y": "you can talk to tony? robin made the trip from tokyo. i should talk to him."}, {"x": "of course.", "y": "sorry to have run away like that."}, {"x": "it's ok. can you imagine not traveling i did. i was on a plane, a whole day. but it was worth it to see you get married.how i would have missed it...", "y": "you can not come to the wedding."}, {"x": "thank you god!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it's weird.", "y": "it's not weird."}, {"x": "take that, bitch! i won!", "y": "it was broken, there is more than a year."}, {"x": "yes, but it's not that long ago. see you marry another woman is not really something i look forward to. i just thought if i changed my mind about marriage and children, it was nice knowing you were there.", "y": "so, i was your backup plan. it's flattering."}, {"x": "that's not it. it's just...", "y": "why do you mention that? there was nothing between us."}, {"x": "maybe so. i mean, of course it does. the kind of thing that leaves no one fell swoop. i'm not a guest over.", "y": "it's true. we went out together, but... we have moved on.and we got what we wanted. i marry, you have the job of your dreams in tokyo. and they lived happily..."}, {"x": "i quit my job.", "y": "you what?"}, {"x": "i return to new york. i thought i wanted this job, but...getting back to my real life. and you should go back to yours.", "y": "what does that mean?"}, {"x": "you married. listen, this is precipitated. it's as if you started a book by the end. you are the most romantic. you stole a blue horn for me. you tried to make rain.", "y": "i did the rain."}, {"x": "it was a coincidence. after all this is how your romantic quest comes to an end? you hide in the wedding of another in his house in his life, without thinking twice. this is not the end spectacular than you deserve. it's not ted mosby.", "y": "i love stella. this is good. if you feel it all... i think it is good that you come to the marriage."}, {"x": "ted, the wedding was yesterday. it's been 24 hours.", "y": "i know. that's all i advance. a new chapter in my life begins today, and we'll celebrate. here, we need two things.we need kool and the g*ng. it's time the jukebox!"}, {"x": "no, it is a mess.", "y": "it gauze?"}, {"x": "you wanna hang out?", "y": "girls, i'm fine."}, {"x": "dude, you make some?", "y": "i'm fine."}, {"x": "hey, kid.", "y": "barney, i'm fine! it is not necessary, and it is rather unhealthy. sorry, ladies."}, {"x": "i did not know you'd be here. girls stairwell.", "y": "what do you want for dinner?"}, {"x": "i have not done it, and that's why i took so long to get better. so ted, i want you explode. release your rage.ready? now!", "y": "it's ok."}, {"x": "guys, let him go. he is happy. listen, if ted was married, then he would be married, he would live in new jersey, and he would be married. it is well. good, let's eat. let flat michael's?", "y": "it is between the 44th and lex. impossible."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "it is near the gym stella. we could cross. everywhere else, it's going."}, {"x": "ok, how about hurley's?", "y": "stack between his office and dry cleaner. sorry."}, {"x": "well, the meatloaf charlie?", "y": "two blocks from her mother's hairdresser."}, {"x": "okay, ted, is there a place in manhattan where one can dine?", "y": "of course. look at this."}, {"x": "it's that thing?", "y": "a reference card i made. a guide to places where you can meet stella zinman. the red areas to avoid. white ok.blue the sea"}, {"x": "it leaves you on the altar, and it's you who're avoiding?", "y": "yes, i avoid it. what is the problem? it goes like this."}, {"x": "it's that \"one\" small dicks?", "y": "no, 'on', it is the people of the great state of ohio. when life is hard, we take the pain and bury us. and if the pain goes, is buried pain over another. why cope when you can avoid?all i have to do is to never see her again, and i will have a long happy life. so who wants to eat?"}, {"x": "someone told me of a tapas bar located in the white zone.", "y": "super. let's go."}, {"x": "have you decided?", "y": "not yet. can we have almonds to the table?"}, {"x": "certainly.", "y": "well done, lily. this place looks cool. that you talked about?"}, {"x": "she turns around.", "y": "think, think. guys, stay there. i'll take a look. marshall will look."}, {"x": "she took to win.", "y": "she looks happy? she talked about me? i do not care.where are the almonds?"}, {"x": "you're maybe ohio, but you live in new york now. we do not bury our emotions in new york. we take our emotions and they are sent to the other side!", "y": "let me go. you'd do the same if you were in this situation."}, {"x": "i dream! there's not one person on earth to which i would hide under a table.", "y": "really, not one? not even... gazeur?"}, {"x": "it's going guys?", "y": "let's just eat here, if possible."}, {"x": "this is your almonds.", "y": "thank you. you have a daily special?"}, {"x": "i am a person who... well, are facing. there are a bunch of people i do not want to see... as the group of \"girls that i skipped\"... but if one of them came here, i would stay there, and i would look into his eyes. for some, this would be the first time.", "y": "really, you hide from anybody? not even... becca delucci?"}, {"x": "becca is this girl who lives in the north. i saw her from time to time.", "y": "where exactly in the north, barney?"}, {"x": "now i have letters from becca who say, \"i'll come see you the day i get out of here. i'll hang your eyes in my rearview mirror. \"women, eh?", "y": "you see? are you afraid of becca. lily is afraid of gazeur. are still under the table."}, {"x": "we do not need. stella is a party.", "y": "oh, my god. that's it, and that's it, the style ohio. the problem manifested itself. it has been avoided. it is a party.here you can dine in peace..."}, {"x": "if the last person i wanted to see, came in i would not talk to him.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "he wanted a son and the fact that i am a girl has not changed.", "y": "how so?"}, {"x": "that's just it. it would be useless. this is history, it's done. i would say what? \"i wish not to be raised as a boy, that thou teach me not to hunt, fish and smoke cigars and drinking scotch because girls do not do that. and you know why i run like a girl? because i am one. \"", "y": "you kept it for quite some time, eh?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "it has returned to you."}, {"x": "it's hot.", "y": "i'll talk to him. she's gone. i'll catch up."}, {"x": "there, there.", "y": "i see. it is two taxis right front. not lose it, ok?"}, {"x": "well, well you do. you're going to confront it.", "y": "i will face it."}, {"x": "this is so exciting.", "y": "bluntly."}, {"x": "you're gonna say what?", "y": "i will say, \"sorry it did not work. \"we will discuss in adults. she'll tell me his views and... i will listen. what i should have done more before."}, {"x": "you have to get angry. go ahead. looking good.", "y": "come on. there is no question of moving his arms, stomping feet and get angry. this is stella and i finally communicating. clearly, it was..."}, {"x": "stella hated star wars. she lied to you. seeking your feelings. you know it's true.", "y": "that's his problem."}, {"x": "i understand!", "y": "in the name of all that is sacred..."}, {"x": "why take it away to bring him back in new jersey, anyway?", "y": "maybe she goes to his office."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "if she goes to her, why you go to...? oh, my god. tony lives in the city center. \"at home\" is tony's apartment. she would move in with me in new jersey and moved to town, tony? the bitch!"}, {"x": "finally. finally, my friend.", "y": "i have the balls too!"}, {"x": "i know and i love it! it's great! sir, we will pay gladly handle that has been broken. i love ted angry!", "y": "me too!"}, {"x": "she stops.", "y": "that's it. that's it!"}, {"x": "... and that you face all that, but... you only have one chance. take a moment and think about what you will say.", "y": "i know exactly what i say. you chose the wrong guy. you chose the wrong guy. you did a very, very, very bad choice. what were you thinking? this guy? you kidding me? have you learned anything these past 8 years? you'll be sorry. you know it? you'll be sorry, and you can do anything about it because it is too late. anything you can do is start up your life miserable and disappointing that will never be as happy as it could be with me. goodbye."}, {"x": "ted, wait.", "y": "look, i'm not there to pick you. i am here because i need to know that you know you've made the worst mistake of your life."}, {"x": "i know.", "y": "okay. this is what i say."}, {"x": "i'm not impressed by the talent here tonight. and more i drink, the less it is attractive. i'm a whiskey and coke in the cantina scene in star wars.", "y": "and those girls over there? they are cannon."}, {"x": "there is so much to learn. you are only victims of...the effect cheerleaders. good question. the effect cheerleading is when a group of women air cannon, but only in groups. as with the cheerleaders. they look like cannon, but take them individually? cod.", "y": "anything."}, {"x": "and this, my friends, is \"the effect cheerleaders.\" also known as the paradox of a bridesmaid syndrome sorority, and for a brief moment in the 90s, the conspiracy of the spice girls.scary spice, indeed. barney stinson. ok.understood. great, we remember.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "apparently, i'll be a father.", "y": "you're gonna be a father? how will it happen?"}, {"x": "marshall and i, we took the decision to have a great...dinner. and i thought i was ready for a... dinner. but he called to cancel, and it got me thinking. is it too early for us to make a... dinner?", "y": "i had lunch early, so i can eat."}, {"x": "are we ready, marshall and me to have a baby? so, are we ready to have a baby or not?", "y": "we can not decide for you. it's huge."}, {"x": "you know what is huge? marshall's head. it is as big as a watermelon in late august. marshall's baby who is passing by?", "y": "he thinks what?"}, {"x": "i will be as carbon copy charlotte. worse. at least, her husband works at home. well, he deale of sh*t, but it is a caring father.", "y": "marshall is a very good father."}, {"x": "marshall is always at work, and i'm afraid to hit all the work if we have one now.", "y": "you panic and you see only bad side."}, {"x": "well, that's perfect. that's why i called you. ted, you're for children. robin, you're against. councillors, please proceed.", "y": "ok, i know you're afraid of not being ready. but we think ever be. you just take the plunge and it will come naturally."}, {"x": "you're a father too.", "y": "what are you talking?"}, {"x": "ted, thoughtful. you go out jokes father of super lame.", "y": "a cereal k*ller! a cereal k*ller!"}, {"x": "you make us moral. like when you broke your ship in a bottle.", "y": "i'm not sorry. i'm just disappointed."}, {"x": "my name is lori. i'll be your waitress tonight.", "y": "hello, lori, me, this is ted. i will be your customer tonight.before leaving, tell me. what is a k*ller in a wheat field? no index."}, {"x": "she's right. perhaps you're single and childless, but you're really a redneck dad.", "y": "i do not appreciate that tone, young lady."}, {"x": "it puts you in the mash, then. your only hope is to be negative.", "y": "i'll tell you why my opponent says it all. three words fear of... babies."}, {"x": "what? you're crazy. this is false.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "you want to wear it?", "y": "where the party that lily had done for her friend erika?you do feel for this baby?"}, {"x": "i do not want to bite.", "y": "and do not forget..."}, {"x": "pub with baby talk?", "y": "pub with baby talk."}, {"x": "we had this debate, and this is the sock that makes you make the decision?", "y": "i think you're taking a \"chausettogari\", eh, robin?"}, {"x": "shut up, dad.", "y": "you, shut up, baby-phobic."}, {"x": "babies are scary, ok? with their giant eyes. and seriously, the fontanelle? if there is a self-destruct button, at least, hide it where it will not accidentally press.", "y": "where is lily? you have to drink?"}, {"x": "not a drop.", "y": "i do not either."}, {"x": "come on, come on. make me a baby. i'm ready. hey, look. the types of the other building make me cuckoo. hello, gentlemen! we will make a baby!", "y": "i dream, it has been lost."}, {"x": "they sit there with their stupid bottles. they cry. they vomit. that's why babies, it sucks.", "y": "that's good that we have broken. i had totally forgotten your psychosis on the kids."}, {"x": "my psychosis? whenever you hear the word \"kid\", you have two small milk tasks on your shirt.", "y": "god thank you, you're not my mother. you're an ice queen. all you have breastfed baby by a frozen brain."}, {"x": "swear to always...", "y": "you're in good company there."}, {"x": "i'll see if the toilet. i also want to bring you back buffer.", "y": "okay. when you have finished, you could ask a magician to heart."}, {"x": "you know what? i should find another place to sleep.", "y": "no argument."}, {"x": "well.", "y": "super."}, {"x": "lily is not there.", "y": "your cell phone rang. i answered. hope it bother you. lily is at marshall. she is fine."}, {"x": "thank you god. what?", "y": "when storing your mobile, i found something in your bag."}, {"x": "i have a permit for that. and the other thing is a gift.", "y": "you've stolen the ca sock jeremy."}, {"x": "no. i do not know what she's doing there. it must have fallen into it. bizarre!", "y": "\"falling in? \""}, {"x": "or lily put it there for fun. that bitch is stuffed. i took it.it's just... so cute. sock.", "y": "robin scherbatsky, you get the idea of having children?"}, {"x": "i know. one day, perhaps. when i'm 70. science will catch me. i'm just... i'm lost right now. i'm unemployed, i live on a couch.", "y": "there were two difficult months both. i have a room free.why not come to me in the meantime?"}, {"x": "really?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "the last great idea for fathers day-no, a pregnancy test, but instead of a blue line, there is a small blue barney who does that.", "y": "day of non-fathers, it sucks. it's a feast for the losers."}, {"x": "what are you talking? this is a good group of friends.", "y": "this is the effect cheerleaders."}, {"x": "look at these guys, individually. these geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend.", "y": "good night, barney."}, {"x": "the last time you and i are just competing for the title of best friend ted.", "y": "marshall is my best friend."}, {"x": "exactly. draw. but it's all about to change. is it correct that you are an architect?", "y": "my best friend does not, but still."}, {"x": "you draw what now?", "y": "well, you renovate the library nouillorc."}, {"x": "that's great!", "y": "no, not the new york public library. this is the library nouillorc, in dakota. their books are in two parts fishing and not fishing."}, {"x": "i think you'll love what's happened at work.", "y": "who's going to draw?"}, {"x": "that was my first question.", "y": "sven?"}, {"x": "pretentious.", "y": "\"it is not a company. it is a collective. \""}, {"x": "all you have to do is come and offer your drawing, i take care of the board, the project is yours.", "y": "you realize what a hero i'd be if i brought this project to my box?"}, {"x": "yes, totally.", "y": "what is it?"}, {"x": "i do not do that.", "y": "i love to do that."}, {"x": "i will realize your dream.", "y": "seriously, barney, from what i've lived with stella, i have this opportunity... it touches me."}, {"x": "it was not like a woo. perhaps it is that holidays like mardi gras and the day of the year. maybe this is a cyclical woo.", "y": "okay, be cool with me. this is a first draft."}, {"x": "ted, it's incredible. detail. shadows. the liveliness of the lines. this is exactly what princess leia would look like, topless.", "y": "my way of saying thank you. okay, you wanna see my designs for the building?"}, {"x": "well you'll excuse me, i have a date with bataille and fontaine.", "y": "hey, barney! give me the good news."}, {"x": "you did not have.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "wooo!", "y": "i can not believe i had not. i thought i had hit the nail. why did they choose sven?"}, {"x": "i've done everything to change their minds. but they did not budge. i'm sorry.", "y": "it's really bad. after the way the last few months have passed... i guess i'd need more than i thought."}, {"x": "you want to go to the current gnb building and just... i dunno, just a little pee on it?", "y": "i think i need it."}, {"x": "wooo!", "y": "wooo!"}, {"x": "it turned sven.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "those guys were morons. of course, they had cool ideas... really cool ideas. in fact, i wonder if it's not too late...the fact is you have the job.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "the committee realized he had erred. in addition, you are precious to them and they want you to be happy.", "y": "it's weird."}, {"x": "you know...", "y": "thank you, barney. i believe it. i brought in my box the largest contract that she had. wooo! the next is for me."}, {"x": "you are truly the best friend ted. and me too. tie.thank you, marshall.", "y": "i love you, man."}, {"x": "me too, buddy.", "y": "you mount the bull?"}, {"x": "you can\u2019t measure something like this in time. there\u2019s a series of steps. from her bed to the front door. bam! out of there. next!", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "i\u2019m ted."}, {"x": "vicky.", "y": "i got left at the altar a month ago."}, {"x": "put the g*ns down, now!", "y": "hey!"}, {"x": "hey!", "y": "who are you?"}, {"x": "mitch.", "y": "what you doin\u2019, mitch?"}, {"x": "you must be the roommate. i'm on a date with robin. she had to step outside to take a call. i guess her cell phone doesn\u2019t work in here.", "y": "oh. oh! robin did not use the super secret signal. we put this old take-out menu on the doorknob. place went out of business. mr. wang\u2019s. guess i don\u2019t have to explain why that\u2019s funny. i\u2019m gonna go. when you leave, take the seat cushion with you. that\u2019s trash now."}, {"x": "she just let him go upstairs to use the bathroom a second ago.", "y": "excuse me a minute."}, {"x": "buddy, you\u2019re k*lling me. i\u2019m kind of in the middle of something here.", "y": "middle of what?"}, {"x": "this is my move. it's called, \"the naked man.\u201d", "y": "\"the naked man?\""}, {"x": "then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. when she comes back, she laughs.  she\u2019s so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. boom!", "y": "there is no way that works!"}, {"x": "two out of three times times.", "y": "two out of three times?"}, {"x": "two out of three times. you just have to pick your spot. the naked man is best used as a last resort, kind of a hail mary on a first date, when you know there\u2019s not gonna be a second one.", "y": "how do you know there\u2019s not gonna be a second date?"}, {"x": "ted, look at me.", "y": "i'd rather not, mitch."}, {"x": "robin is way out of my league. i'm not smart, funny or handsome. and as you can plainly see, there\u2019s nothing impressive going on anywhere around here. my only sh*t with a girl like robin is the elements of surprise. and let\u2019s be honest, a little pity. it\u2019s shock and aw!", "y": "it does not work really."}, {"x": "no way!", "y": "two out of three times. he guaranteed it."}, {"x": "my god!", "y": "it worked."}, {"x": "what kind of gadgets are we talking about?", "y": "so, this is what it\u2019s gonna be like, us living together? i come home, and guys you\u2019re dating are just gonna be sitting on the couch, naked?"}, {"x": "i wish i could say \u201cno\u201d.", "y": "i still cannot believe \u201cthe naked man\u201d worked on you."}, {"x": "uh-uh, i\u2019ve got one. nothing-good-on-television sex.", "y": "hotel-room sex."}, {"x": "43.", "y": "wingman diving on the friend grenade."}, {"x": "you mean the naked genius. all these years, i\u2019ve been suiting up when i should have been suiting down. that\u2019s it. i am doing the naked man tonight. ted, so are you!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "with the elevator girl. you\u2019re going out with her tonight, right? naked man!", "y": "no. barney, come on, this is the first girl i\u2019ve had the courage to ask out since stella."}, {"x": "naked man!", "y": "no, barney, this is the eighth outfit i tried on tonight. i got my hair cut three times, i\u2019m a nervous wreck."}, {"x": "are you wearing makeup?", "y": "it's not makeup, okay? it\u2019s a sunscreen with a subtle hint of... it\u2019s made for men. sue me, i want my eyes to pop."}, {"x": "naked maaan!", "y": "no, barney, i like vicky. this could actually go somewhere. i don\u2019t wanna do anything stupid to jeopardize it."}, {"x": "i just need to use the bathroom, then i\u2019ll be on my way. ted, i\u2019m doing it. i\u2019m doing the naked man!", "y": "me too!"}, {"x": "you...", "y": "i\u2019m doing it. i\u2019m doing the naked man."}, {"x": "that\u2019s great! what made you change your mind?", "y": "well, the date with vicky started off okay, but it didn\u2019t go as well as i hoped."}, {"x": "oh, my god, ted, you are so funny! and can i just say you have amazing eyes.", "y": "what, these old things?"}, {"x": "and then, his cane missed the top step, and he was falling for, i swear, like, two minutes. oh, god! i love old people.", "y": "once i realized there was no possible future in this relationship, i just decided to go for it."}, {"x": "awesome. okay, big question, what pose will you display your naked man in?", "y": "huh. that is a big question. i hadn\u2019t really thought about it."}, {"x": "i was thinking \"the superman.\"", "y": "what about the \"captain morgan\"?"}, {"x": "how about the, \"oops, i didn\u2019t see you there\"?", "y": "the thinker?"}, {"x": "what about the heisman?", "y": "mr. clean."}, {"x": "yeah, you did. and now you\u2019re trying to pretend it was something more to make yourself feel better. say what you will, at least the naked man is honest.", "y": "what about the old coppertone baby?"}, {"x": "the olympic gymnast who stuck the landing.", "y": "yep. i gotta go."}, {"x": "naked man.", "y": "you have a really nice place!"}, {"x": "oh, thanks. coming from you, that\u2019s a real compliment. i just love that you\u2019re an architect. it\u2019s so fascinating. i could listen to you talk about structural design all night.", "y": "crap!"}, {"x": "here we go.", "y": "pablo neruda."}, {"x": "oh. yeah, that book\u2019s a turd. some douchey guy i hooked up with left it here. it\u2019s all in mexican. *blows raspberry* you know who writes good poems? jewel. her teeth are crooked and she lived in a car. so, she has stuff to write about\u2026", "y": "the naked man works! i just had decent sex with an awful human being. i am back!"}, {"x": "congratulations, buddy.", "y": "you're not the only one who rocked the naked man tonight."}, {"x": "oh, yeah.", "y": "nice! what pose did you go with?"}, {"x": "and she nailed it.", "y": "oh, my god! guys, guys, guys! this is him! this is the naked man."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "no, mitch, mitch, i have to thank you. we all tried the naked man tonight."}, {"x": "two out of three times.", "y": "mitch, i want you to know, this night, crazy as it was, it got me out of my shell."}, {"x": "that's the beauty of the the naked man. it gives you exactly what you need. no more, no less. now, if you\u2019ll excuse me, i need to replace one of my fantasy football quarterbacks. he separated his shoulder!", "y": "a toast... to mitch. by the sum of his parts, he is just a man. but what he does with those parts, he becomes so much more. he may not fit society\u2019s definition of a hero, but he is the hero i needed. the hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. he lives in the shadows. is he a dream? truth? fictions? damnation? salvation? he is all of these things, and none of them, for he is\u2026the naked man."}, {"x": "you can not measure something like that in a while. it is step by step. from his bed at the front door. bam! you're outside. next!", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "i was left on the altar, there is one month."}, {"x": "ask your weapons!", "y": "what are you doing, mitch?"}, {"x": "you must be the roommate. i'm with robin. she came out to take a call. i think its handheld gaming here.", "y": "robin did not use the super secret signal. we put the old menu on the handle. this restaurant had to close. mr. popol...no need to explain why it's funny. i'm off. when leaving, take the pillow with you. this is a waste now."}, {"x": "his thing arranged? a real disaster. she sent me text messages all night. she just let go to use the bathroom.", "y": "excuse me one minute."}, {"x": "man, you annoy me. i am in action here.", "y": "what action?"}, {"x": "this is my technique. it's called, \"the guy with hair.\"", "y": "\"the guy naked?\""}, {"x": "then when she leaves, you undress and wait for you.when she returns, she laughs. she is so fascinated by your insurance, and your bravado she sleep with you.", "y": "no chance it works!"}, {"x": "two out of three.", "y": "two out of three?"}, {"x": "two out of three. you just choose your moment. \"the guy naked\" mostly run as a last resort, the last resort to first appointment when you know that there will be no second.", "y": "how do you know?"}, {"x": "look at me.", "y": "i'd rather not."}, {"x": "robin is not in my division. i'm not smart, funny and handsome. as you can see, there is nothing impressive nowhere there. my only chance with a girl like robin, is the surprise. and let's be honest, a little pity. this is shock and \"ohhh.\"", "y": "it does not work really."}, {"x": "no december '.", "y": "two out of three. he assured me."}, {"x": "my god!", "y": "it worked."}, {"x": "what kind of gadgets you talking about?", "y": "so, it's going to be, a roommate? i come home, and guys with whom you will go out sitting on the couch, naked."}, {"x": "i can not tell you.", "y": "i can not believe that \"the guy with hair 'market has on you."}, {"x": "oh, i have one. sex \"bugger all on tv.\"", "y": "the sex \"hotel room\"."}, {"x": "43.", "y": "\"the co-pilot who jumps on the grenade to a friend.\""}, {"x": "you mean the naked genius. all this time i wore a suit when i should have removed it. that's it. i \"the guy naked,\" tonight. and you too.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "with the girl from the elevator. you're with her tonight?\"dude naked\"!", "y": "this is the first girl i had the courage to invite, from stella."}, {"x": "\"dude naked\"!", "y": "this is the eighth place i try tonight! i cut my hair 3 times! i am out!"}, {"x": "you're makeup?", "y": "it's not the makeup! it is a sun cream with a subtle shade of... it is for men. it's good, i want my eyes stand out."}, {"x": "\"dude naked\"!", "y": "no, barney, i like vicky. it could be serious. i want to do anything stupid to jeopardize that."}, {"x": "i just go to the bathroom and i'm off. ted, i do. i \"the guy naked\"!", "y": "me too!"}, {"x": "you...", "y": "i do. i \"the guy naked\"!"}, {"x": "it's great! why did you change your mind?", "y": "the evening started well, but... not as good as i hoped."}, {"x": "oh, my god! ted, you're so funny! and i can tell you that you have beautiful eyes.", "y": "what, this old stuff?"}, {"x": "stop! go and tell the director he owes us an entry. one of those with shrimp! nothing. you were saying? and then his cane missed the last step and fell, while, i swear, at least 2 minutes. god, i love old.", "y": "when i realized that there was no future in this relationship, i decided to do."}, {"x": "great! ok, the important question what will your pose \"naked guy\"?", "y": "it's a good question. i have not really thought."}, {"x": "i thought \"superman.\"", "y": "and the \"captain morgan\"?"}, {"x": "and \"oops, i did not have you seen?\"", "y": "the thinker?"}, {"x": "and the heisman?", "y": "mr. clean?"}, {"x": "but if. and now you pretend that it was more to feel better. say what you want, at least \"the naked guy\" is honest.", "y": "what do you think of the good old \"baby cadum\"?"}, {"x": "the olympic gymnast successful landing.", "y": "i gotta go."}, {"x": "\"dude naked\"!", "y": "it's nice home!"}, {"x": "thank you, from you, it's a real compliment. i love you to be an architect, it's fascinating. i could listen to you talk about design structures all night.", "y": "damn!"}, {"x": "and that's it.", "y": "pablo neruda."}, {"x": "yeah, this book is a sh*t. an idiot with whom i left it out there. this is in mexico. you know who writes good poems? jewel. she has rotten teeth and she lives in a car. it has stuff to tell.", "y": "\"the naked guy\" works! i just sleep with a horrible person. i'm back!"}, {"x": "congratulations, buddy.", "y": "you're not the only one who provided e \"dude-haired.\""}, {"x": "it's been 50.", "y": "pretty! what made you ask?"}, {"x": "right on target.", "y": "my god! guys, guys! that's him! this is \"the guy naked\"!"}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "wait, mitch, i have to thank you. we all tried \"the guy naked,\" tonight."}, {"x": "two out of three.", "y": "i want you to know tonight, as crazy as it was, took me out of my shell."}, {"x": "that's the beauty of the \"naked guy.\" it gives you just what you need. nothing more, nothing less. if you'll excuse me, i have to replace the shoulder of one of my quaterbacks imaginary football. he dislocated his shoulder!", "y": "a toast... mitch. the sum of its parts makes him a man.but when it serves its parts, it becomes much more. it does not fit the definition of a hero, but he is the one i needed. the hero who helped me get over the disaster of the failure of my marriage and i was almost back in the saddle. he lives in the shadows. is this a dream? the truth? a fiction? damnation?salvation? it is all that and also, no nothing. because it is...\"the guy with hair.\""}, {"x": "cranberry vodka, gin and tonic. scotch and soda.", "y": "thank you. can i see the menu?"}, {"x": "ted, i'll get you a menu... but i promise i will return.", "y": "we'll have to go elsewhere. in this bar, i will always be the guy left at the altar. it sucks!"}, {"x": "good times.", "y": "we lost barney."}, {"x": "leave me alone!", "y": "he understood, there is little time, he could hold a conversation with just the titles of sitcoms \"black\" of the 70s and 80s."}, {"x": "you... been to ted?", "y": "it is not play \"you know ted.\""}, {"x": "what?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you look at my hair?", "y": "no, sir. not at all."}, {"x": "that's a dummy. it's funny? want to laugh? it's funny?why you do not tear out?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "what is this?", "y": "some guys are sitting at our table. but you know, it's good."}, {"x": "ladies, if you will join your table. gentlemen, i need your help out.", "y": "our help?"}, {"x": "what's going on?", "y": "sorry, you just said..."}, {"x": "these guys are off-handedness. so we go outside and they fit in, ok? it's gonna be fun!", "y": "he wants to be fought? as with our hands and stuff?"}, {"x": "and your feet maybe? i do not know the rules.", "y": "a fight. we gotta go?"}, {"x": "no, i say there are plenty of legitimate reasons to fight, it is perhaps not beautiful, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.", "y": "yes, i forgot. she is sexy fights."}, {"x": "i lost my wisdom tooth. without surgery. local anesthesia. frankly, it's nothing.", "y": "we should go."}, {"x": "i can not believe that we have this discussion. ted, you're 30, you're too old to act like that.", "y": "i'm going."}, {"x": "listen to me, trust me, i fought hard. there is no pride to be learned.", "y": "with which you fought?"}, {"x": "wait! go! go! cocoa break.", "y": "break cocoa. ok, it's time to fight."}, {"x": "ted, do not do that, you're a good guy. this is your greatest quality.", "y": "oh yeah? i seem to remember that this guy was well dumped by his girlfriend for a taekwondo teacher. it might sound crazy, but... i need that. i think it's an experience i do. i go there."}, {"x": "i know, huh! who do now eyeing more my hairpiece?look what they did!", "y": "\"we\"?"}, {"x": "yes, \"on\". come on, we made a great team. well done guys! we did it!", "y": "no, you did. there was nothing we."}, {"x": "ok, yes, it is clear, i have beaten three types alone. you and you, free drinks for life.", "y": "he thinks he fought with him."}, {"x": "we fought with him. so we will go and tell everyone the legendary story of how we b*at types. and everyone will find it great and everyone goes back to bed with me.", "y": "come on man, no one will believe we fought, we look at."}, {"x": "oh, it's good...", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "what i should have done there is a lease.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i dunno, i typed the eye! i even know what i say! i have a great right, either. you ready?", "y": "to go home?"}, {"x": "no, for that.", "y": "you hit me in the nose!"}, {"x": "are you crying?", "y": "yes, i cry! you hit me in the nose!"}, {"x": "it's going to swell to death. you're going to look like owen wilson. come on, we go.", "y": "ok, but we do not add too. i do not want it to catch proportions."}, {"x": "so you fought. seriously.", "y": "no, barney hit us head to pretend. without in december ', marshall!"}, {"x": "i was...", "y": "the quiz of love in the last gala?"}, {"x": "just?", "y": "amanda, was it that simple? you know, the fight in melee, it is more than using force against his opponent, huh b?"}, {"x": "exactly!", "y": "it is an art. the noble art, as it were."}, {"x": "it may seem insignificant, but they got to our table.", "y": "at our table."}, {"x": "and...", "y": "no one."}, {"x": "let's b*at them up. ted, come on. you two. our table.go. now!", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "relax, it was doug. doug supports us.", "y": "he's not here tonight."}, {"x": "it's you, ted mosby.", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "they know who you are. all right, guys. it lets you go without kick your ass. this time. okay?", "y": "that's... what is it?"}, {"x": "you are charged with as*ault. enjoy it.", "y": "as*ault! they continue to att*ck us!"}, {"x": "the prison?", "y": "i can not go to jail! i could read a bunch of books, writing short stories. drag me all the time. seriously, if i get lost really hefty..."}, {"x": "you should have thought before b*ating them.", "y": "and if we have not done?"}, {"x": "no what?", "y": "beaten. and if doug had beaten them all alone and we had done nothing?"}, {"x": "who's the wimp now? answer you.", "y": "you can spin us a hand?"}, {"x": "good news, i talked to the guys.", "y": "what guy?"}, {"x": "and you played the harp in the dance club of the pre-reform in college.", "y": "you're at least they said we were one of the best medieval music group of the academy?"}, {"x": "sure. we were all agreed that it was a guy who had beaten and that you had nothing to do with it...", "y": "wait, so... they att*ck doug."}, {"x": "affirmative.", "y": "the angry, irrational, violent doug, who now knows, you pushed under a bus."}, {"x": "you visit? you really should.", "y": "look, you do not understand, you b*at these guys all by yourself."}, {"x": "look at him.", "y": "yes, look at me!"}, {"x": "it would not 5 minutes in combat.", "y": "i could hold at least 5..."}, {"x": "it is as limp as spaghetti.", "y": "yes, spaghetti with meatballs... mate it. look!"}, {"x": "ok, i'm hot. let's go.", "y": "a fight was not a good idea, actually. and that's my story."}, {"x": "and what did you learn?", "y": "i learned that it is not right to fight and must never do."}, {"x": "ca", "y": "damn!"}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "it is freezing outside. where is your jacket?"}, {"x": "it looks like a spring day in minnesota, there was no q'il all the taxis, the skyscrapers and the blacks.", "y": "there are no black people?"}, {"x": "not if prince is on tour.", "y": "my sister's plane arrived an hour ago, or would like a meteorologist, hurricane between heather on lands."}, {"x": "go. it's not like that.", "y": "that's the history of heather. it has been six years and three high schools for his baccalaureate. she took the opportunity to ruin two cars, being married for five days, and spent nine weeks in a tree only to find that no one intended to k*ll him. and there, heather said she moved to new york."}, {"x": "great news.", "y": "it will not come out. remember when she talked of going to college here? and then the day of admission..."}, {"x": "i have sold tickets for the concert of nine inch nails.", "y": "nothing but the tv is 2000 balls."}, {"x": "a last minute flight is expensive.", "y": "wait. where are you?"}, {"x": "somewhere in spain. i go there. quiet song.", "y": "damn. this is barney."}, {"x": "since that time heather happening in new york, ted has never left the barney show.", "y": "i never will. every year, when the greeting card of mosby happens..."}, {"x": "hi. what are you doing tonight?", "y": "we go to marshall and lily get a full kathy bates, misery exception. want to go? he hung up."}, {"x": "it's nice to see you.", "y": "hi kid. it looks to go. how are things at home?"}, {"x": "i took your room. did you know you see the room of miss gottwald opposite?", "y": "i know. she looks good?"}, {"x": "ted, it was 62 years.", "y": "answer."}, {"x": "why, hello. i was expecting you.", "y": "one second. it is not our chair. you've made yourself?"}, {"x": "i needed one that rotates.", "y": "how did you know that heather was coming?"}, {"x": "can i talk to one second in the kitchen? not touch the chair. i praise him. i can not believe that thou hast hid thy sister all these years.", "y": "really? you're like \"weird al\" yankovic to write that song on how to jump my sister."}, {"x": "first, i'm flattered. then it's just jokes. a friend can joke on a friend's sister. does not mean i'm going to act.", "y": "i love my sister, and as a big brother, it's my job to protect guys like you."}, {"x": "you do not trust me?", "y": "no. and it either."}, {"x": "okay. all right. i'll just... take my chair and leave.", "y": "wait... rest... back... lily and i were dining out with heather sunday. want to go?"}, {"x": "i have already called to add a person.", "y": "you really can not tell lily."}, {"x": "so... i found an apartment today.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "yes. and i hoped you would have drunk a little more wine hand side before you to ask you this, but... i need you to lease the instructions.", "y": "let me think."}, {"x": "i really need your help.", "y": "we'll talk later, ok?"}, {"x": "what's the matter? you do not trust me?", "y": "you're my sister."}, {"x": "listen, ted, i want to get into finance, but... you see me like i was four and i wanted to become an astronaut.", "y": "i just think you have no idea of the difficulty of succeeding in new york."}, {"x": "i'll take my hat fisherman. thank you for bringing me here. this is mine.", "y": "it's not a good idea. heather and barney alone in his office? and i do not want to be guarantor for the lease."}, {"x": "it ripens, just as you see it yet.", "y": "it is about a girl who got caught for stealing, eight months ago."}, {"x": "ted, many women have a period kleptomaniac. and yes, maybe sometimes they happen to mow a small object because it excites them in a strange way they are not explained. but... if it reassures you, i will accompany them to gnb, tomorrow. i will say that i'm going to lunch with marshall, but in fact i espionnerai.", "y": "it suits me. good luck tomorrow at the gnb. i'm sure you will impress them."}, {"x": "very nice, this briefcase.", "y": "very friendly, the security camera, too. and there is one another. and a security guard."}, {"x": "i intend to pay it, ted.", "y": "yes. you got the job yet. must push the door, not pull.and that's it. thank you for having watched yesterday. maybe i was wrong. she seems to have been able to manage with barney. it will perhaps manage new york."}, {"x": "not enough!", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "i have a secret. no! it has not happened. it happened something.", "y": "it's been what?"}, {"x": "i'm really sorry.", "y": "i knew it. i've always known. it remained the same trail irresponsible. and when i see barney..."}, {"x": "i love this kit, but i can not afford. you were right, ted.", "y": "and how!"}, {"x": "i'm ready to bend over backwards.", "y": "ok, enough! i can not believe you hast slept with my sister!"}, {"x": "you know what? it's a new batch of old coasters. i will confirm with the bartender.", "y": "and you, you're mature and responsible?it's responsible adult to go to your first interview in new york and banging a stranger? you've always been immature and irresponsible. you'll always be immature and irresponsible.and i cosignerai not a subscription with you, let alone a lease."}, {"x": "barney and i, we did nothing.", "y": "come on. lily saw you."}, {"x": "and as we can count on lily to sneak.", "y": "what? why do this?"}, {"x": "you know what? i'm glad you know it because i am proud to be canadian. it was not a good nfl team or prince, but we invented trivial pursuit. anything, the earth! in addition, in canada, you can go to a strip club full of alcohol and order. and yeah. moosejaw in the bay of fundy, you can whistle your pint of pilsner while watching a minor girl to get naked. jealous? in canada, people do not care where you come from, as you are whisked away nice and possibly a cigarette, or when a donut. i am proud to come from the \"great white north\"... and i want to be right now. and was not afraid of the dark. finally, we do not really like, but like everyone else.", "y": "merry christmas. look into it. if you push around the...not down the middle."}, {"x": "i do not need you.", "y": "got it."}, {"x": "you've signed the lease.", "y": "you know why?"}, {"x": "because you trust me and that's a good idea?", "y": "i want to know you. the new you."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "by the way, in your new neighborhood, you should put a good lock on your door. if you want... live."}, {"x": "there's no more milk.", "y": "i saw in the fridge."}, {"x": "empty.", "y": "so, throw it."}, {"x": "the trash can is full.", "y": "so, take out the trash."}, {"x": "i eat cereal.", "y": "you know, when i asked you to be my roommate, i said, \"a girl, she will be careful.\" but no, you're an ogre revenge of the nerds."}, {"x": "you know what? instead of coming with references typical last minute like that, you should spend some time, i dunno... washing a dish.", "y": "damn, i can not. i'm busy leave a plate of cookies for the elf magic puts toilet paper. wait, there's no elf. it's always me!"}, {"x": "i always changing. you, never!", "y": "this is ridiculous!"}, {"x": "no, i went there yesterday... stop it! stop it! my god, what happens? when we were a couple, we lived together and we almost went insane.", "y": "i know. it's been what?"}, {"x": "you know what this is? we made love. men and women need sex to live together. it resolves all disputes.", "y": "as barney's theory on world peace?"}, {"x": "i explained. i said, madeline, every international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension.", "y": "all international conflicts?"}, {"x": "all, man.", "y": "so, the crisis in the middle east could be solved by..."}, {"x": "gaza strippers. next.", "y": "apartheid?"}, {"x": "\"apartouze\". you have what?", "y": "the cold w*r?"}, {"x": "\"mrs. gorbachev, removed her underwear.\"", "y": "well, i think we should love again."}, {"x": "i know. it's like riding a bike, man?", "y": "biking upside down. well, listen. if it should happen on occasion, they say nothing to anyone. sold."}, {"x": "you do not care what, guys? you are back together?", "y": "no. it was just love to do more fighting."}, {"x": "i was working and i had to take a leap here...reading this magazine. in... the room there.", "y": "i understand. no problem."}, {"x": "you have to read a magazine. that's why there has magazines.", "y": "so, this is wasted time."}, {"x": "it seems more important than it is.", "y": "we talked and we realized we had some difficult months.it deserves a little fun."}, {"x": "we will not get there, ok? nobody will get hurt. it has established rules.", "y": "rule number one purely physical relationship. there are no feelings."}, {"x": "this is like telling fonzie be cool.", "y": "and since it's just physical, it was not to worry love."}, {"x": "you can do it watching tv!", "y": "absolutely! let's multitasking. use sex to spice up the boring activities."}, {"x": "as folding laundry.", "y": "paying the bills."}, {"x": "and now they sleep together, we argue more.", "y": "problem solved. in fact, the credit goes to barney. this idea just your thing on the world peace."}, {"x": "i entered.", "y": "there's something liberating not to take it seriously."}, {"x": "dude, i read a magazine at work every day. i will not say how many meetings where i was late because i 'was reading a magazine. \" but i'm not ashamed of that. this is my moment. sure, \"magazine is read\" is not sexy, but you know, this is something i have to do. why be ashamed? wait, \"read a magazine\" that's wank, right?", "y": "i think so. you still have drank all my milk!"}, {"x": "we can make love.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "super.", "y": "this morning, she cried through the door, \"you're too long in the shower! \". a second later, she joined me. there, it has not bothered me to take my time."}, {"x": "if great.", "y": "sorry for the delay. i was typing a scherbatsky. she used all my stamps, so in short, the postman rang twice. should you stamp it!"}, {"x": "i know. this is a ghost town there.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "it was fun last night."}, {"x": "sure, it was a good one. personal memo leave it lying around the pizza box more often.", "y": "okay, see you later."}, {"x": "ok.", "y": "and this morning before leaving for work... we kissed."}, {"x": "bizarre. it's weird.", "y": "what? this kiss has violated the spirit of our arrangement. she probably thinks that i have feelings for her."}, {"x": "yes, i love it. that's what... it's you, man.", "y": "no. it meant nothing. it was just a reflex when we were a couple. but i did everything go wrong."}, {"x": "so, you stop that, huh?", "y": "i think so."}, {"x": "this is for the best. it was fun, but i do not want it becoming weird.", "y": "i do not either."}, {"x": "colocs?", "y": "colocs."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "seriously!"}, {"x": "this one.", "y": "it did not last long."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "because of your bickering roommates are always a source of conflict between you two, i wanted to help. in fact, i went to the post. i took you stamps. in about 10 000. that should be enough.", "y": "thanks, i guess. you want a beer?"}, {"x": "i took it in passing. it's nothing.", "y": "you have bought us a dishwasher?"}, {"x": "it has always been there. you've been here how long?", "y": "so you take it all and you can avoid to argue, eh?"}, {"x": "exactly. i worry about you.", "y": "it bothers you that we sleep together, right?"}, {"x": "not at all. it's crazy. what?", "y": "you're in love with robin? you're in love with robin.that's why you not want people sleeping together."}, {"x": "what? you say anything. a friend can not clean the apartment of another friend like friends do?", "y": "cite me a buddy in the story of friends who has already done that."}, {"x": "i give you two clean and gentlemen solcarlus.", "y": "that thing between me and robin is completely innocent.i flipperai if you tell me not feel something for her. this is the case?"}, {"x": "no. this is not true, no. this is not true, no. no. robin is all yours, man. exploding yourself with it. now if you'll excuse me, i'll go sleep with other girls.", "y": "are you sure?"}, {"x": "yes!", "y": "positive?"}, {"x": "i will not get it.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "lily not want me to take a taxi to the airport just to get a taxi in the opposite direction.", "y": "but the thing of the pack?"}, {"x": "it was fun when we were younger, but we exceeded it. when mature, the relationship matures with us.", "y": "but... you are an inspiration to us all, you are so dedicated and linked. i look at you, and that's all i want in the world."}, {"x": "there are two students out, and they look easy!", "y": "arizona... you know... i always wanted to see what looks like a license in arizona."}, {"x": "i already did that. 21 years.", "y": "it's good. god thank you. what brings you here?"}, {"x": "our group did a concert.", "y": "you have a group? we will perhaps see you."}, {"x": "excuse me one second. what is your problem? we will not see them play.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "if you go see them, it is not better than blondes showing their tits at a concert by van halen.", "y": "yes, but these girls they sleep with van halen after?"}, {"x": "if you want to sleep with van halen, do it on your spare time. we're not guys who-could-come-you-see. it is the other guys, those older, who ever came and whose recognition is required.", "y": "we are their fathers?"}, {"x": "exactly. this is a great meeting, i think that we can come. another time, girls.", "y": "if you want to see us afterwards, we can exchange our numbers."}, {"x": "excuse us a minute. have you gone crazy? we do not want their numbers.", "y": "i know not what i was doing. i had panic there."}, {"x": "qua na you exchange a number, you give him the opportunity to call to cancel. if you give a number without an appointment, they must come. checkmate! no number, just my fingers. truck.", "y": "you're still their father?"}, {"x": "whatever happens, we will be there.", "y": "that's all \"ski\" account."}, {"x": "sorry one last time.", "y": "what is the problem here?"}, {"x": "well done.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "'definitely. great! \"dude, these students seem stupid.", "y": "bluntly."}, {"x": "awesome. here's the thing tomorrow night, dress up well, it will move!", "y": "we would still have had to make their numbers."}, {"x": "you always imagine the worst. ted, i promise, everything will be okay. it begins to snow.", "y": "it's really bad outside. they will not."}, {"x": "but if it will come. it has to. if i can touch one of those girls, i get a \"bingo party student.\" come on, ted. you're the only one here.", "y": "sorry, a \"bingo party student\"?"}, {"x": "every year, playboy publishes a list of the best student parties in the country. i take the top 25, and i do... a bingo card. all i need now that arizona tech, which is crazy. in a contest, it would be given automatically.", "y": "how many people are on this festive bingo student?"}, {"x": "just me.", "y": "what is the purpose then?"}, {"x": "the goal is to make it five in a row.", "y": "and you got what, if you succeed?"}, {"x": "finish, guys. i close the bar.", "y": "no! it is only 21h."}, {"x": "selfish bastard! there are two cannons girls who come to us here.", "y": "you can leave it open a little more? we monitor everything."}, {"x": "that's the key. once your girls arrive, you turn off the lights and close. i want to go back and find a mess here.", "y": "seriously?"}, {"x": "i can trust you.", "y": "there should be a bar."}, {"x": "of course, we should have a bar!", "y": "you really should have a bar."}, {"x": "it really should have a bar.", "y": "our bar would be great."}, {"x": "and dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar will be... puzzles. people will, \"why puzzles? \"that's the puzzle.", "y": "that's... a great name for a bar! and also, puzzles no nightcap."}, {"x": "no nightcap!", "y": "except where everyone ended up spending the best night of his life, then we put the chairs on the tables and pulled out the margarita fountain."}, {"x": "there should be a bar.", "y": "there should be a bar."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "barman. triple sec."}, {"x": "it happens, keep tap. we will buy one.", "y": "served."}, {"x": "served.", "y": "we will buy one."}, {"x": "i do not know if you've seen star wars, but it looks like hoth out.", "y": "prem's."}, {"x": "and prem's.", "y": "it can get warm with a glass?"}, {"x": "prem's, prem's prem's.", "y": "i guess you could stay open longer. as it is you and the group? melissa, what kind of group is it?"}, {"x": "come on, chickens!", "y": "dude, carl is going to k*ll us if we turn not everyone immediately. i'm serious. he promised not to mess. okay, you score a point. the bar is open! who wants a beer?"}, {"x": "fyi, the sink overflows into the bathroom.", "y": "there's no sink. and you get out of the kitchen."}, {"x": "is there anything in a gin and tonic? there's what in a gin and tonic?", "y": "hold a bar, it sucks. is closed."}, {"x": "one day, we should have a bar. and when it will, there will never be nightcap.", "y": "we said no last drink. we must do."}, {"x": "we should do what? carl will be there from one moment to another.", "y": "we can do one thing."}, {"x": "we should start a band.", "y": "of course! why was not yet formed a band?"}, {"x": "that's it.", "y": "dude, i do not believe that you've ever done this far.you'll have to go back and redo all that way again tomorrow."}, {"x": "the whole thing was a sign. let us end this ancient ritual. i will not get it.", "y": "robin you really dredged?"}, {"x": "the flute section does she see anyone?", "y": "you're not really looking for it?"}, {"x": "really.", "y": "so, on new year's kiss, calls for lunch, all... \"i ate it today,\" you're really going to drop it?"}, {"x": "you got more fans than i thought.", "y": "and only 60% of them are prisoners."}, {"x": "you do not let these b*tches destabilize you, right?", "y": "it's terrible. and bad... also."}, {"x": "it just fell.", "y": "the problem may be your cv. have you seen like mine is ventilated? yours is too busy."}, {"x": "who is dr. x?", "y": "no one knows. it was a mysterious and awesome dj."}, {"x": "it was ted.", "y": "his identity is still secret."}, {"x": "it was ted.", "y": "but this phantom waves changed the face of the campus radio."}, {"x": "i know. my whole life is here.", "y": "no. we will not let them. one of us will help you find."}, {"x": "i'm screwed. i send my demo for 3 months and nothing.", "y": "maybe there is something in it that people do not like.we'll watch it, ok?"}, {"x": "no, no, i understand. your origins are part of what you sell. moreover, in 'special jurisdiction' on my resume, i put that in minnesota, i was dunk champion nicollet county in 1995.", "y": "you've put champion dunk in your cv?"}, {"x": "yeah, tonnerrevanille. the ghost of snowshoes.the gate man. i was not very good in defense.", "y": "you can dunk more."}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "i have a technical question. is it easier to dance when you do not have external genitalia?"}, {"x": "folks, sorry to stop you before marshall falls into tears, but robin, check it out. what you need is a super video resume. like mine. i present to you barneysvideocv.com hello. barney stinson, you have achieved great successes in business, sport and personal relationships, and have been an inspiration to many people.", "y": "is that you? you interviewed yourself?"}, {"x": "how could that be me? he is an englishman. what would you recommend to your many admirers who want to reach the peak of their potential?", "y": "and a little scottish."}, {"x": "the first thing to know about success is that it will not come to you. most people associate success with money and power, but in fact it is a mindset.", "y": "you were supposed to be on a motorcycle to say that?"}, {"x": "inventing your own word shows creativity and vision...\"visia-ness.\" if i can leave you with one thought, is this one nothing... and all... is possimpossible. this guy is awesome.", "y": "it's you again...? you sing a song about you?"}, {"x": "absolutely not. it would be stupid. stinson, barney stinson singing this song, it would be really stupid. one of the fans who think this guy is awesome. perfect and available.great, great, great, great, great, great... great, great. barney stinson, committed. this jewel has earned me 11 jobs.", "y": "impossible."}, {"x": "it was great!", "y": "i've taken a light beer. i know the dancers count calories."}, {"x": "it's not funny. the doctor said if it gets worse, i should have surgery.", "y": "as a vaginal rejuvenation?"}, {"x": "you know who has not made a lot of vaginas in college?", "y": "who?"}, {"x": "dr. x.", "y": "it was perfect!"}, {"x": "you know what? the two geniuses are going to remove that crap on their cv. you're not dr. x, and you can not do the dunk. forget.", "y": "marshall and i are the only ones here with sh*t on our resume?"}, {"x": "a species of bastard.", "y": "what it's related to your job as mistress?"}, {"x": "how dare you? these hips can...", "y": "guys!"}, {"x": "what's the matter?", "y": "robin must leave canada."}, {"x": "that one is good. and... end! what is the total?", "y": "33!"}, {"x": "you noticed that barney is weird lately?", "y": "actually, yes. you know, he never gives flowers to a girl, because living things remind babies?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "the other day i saw him in a flower shop on the 82nd, he bought roses."}, {"x": "where is barney?", "y": "yeah. it is even more in manhattan. where does this girl?"}, {"x": "we talk about a woman that barney stinson has worked. i vote for narnia.", "y": "he stops."}, {"x": "and that's how the role of tyler went to... grant.", "y": "come on, grant looks pretty good."}, {"x": "no, i'm for the other loser from new jersey who barely knows karate. when i watch karate kid, i'm for real karate kid johnny lawrence of cobra kai dojo. do not get dumber than you are, lily.", "y": "i just remembered where i know you. i saw you play at the theater of disorientation, die heilige johanna der schlachth\u00f6fe by bertolt brecht, last fall. you were a revelation!"}, {"x": "really?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "... to confuse people.", "y": "yes. sorry. you got a brechtophile before thee!"}, {"x": "you know it really theater.", "y": "mrs theatre has won my heart once and has never left me. every year at christmas, i created a piece for parents with all the kids."}, {"x": "hey, santa, do you think we can take off with this weather?", "y": "cut! cut! grandpa and grandma will be there in half an hour, and you always skinned my words. i feel like i'm going to write, direct and play this thing. give me your elf hat. sit down."}, {"x": "look, if you want, i can give you advice as an actor.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "what can you have to say for yourself?", "y": "is it i who betrayed, or that you have betrayed me?"}, {"x": "sorry. what?", "y": "november 14, 1998. the night train to monte carlo. i was in the car pool arnaquant algerians few thousand dinars, while thou s\u00e9duisais my bride! who is blind and took you for me."}, {"x": "for god's sake, what are you talking?", "y": "you know not well what i mean?"}, {"x": "no, not at all.", "y": "of course i do! and for sure i'll hear you admit it, manure!"}, {"x": "you were amazing! you really become that character.", "y": "honestly, i played a really ted, i tried not to be him."}, {"x": "i love you...", "y": "mom..."}, {"x": "dude, the gold medal of the andouille de vire.", "y": "it was not that bad."}, {"x": "i want to eat your brain, but only if it is organic and free range.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "the salt? it's so bourgeois.", "y": "bluntly."}, {"x": "i not watch tv.", "y": "bluntly."}, {"x": "you thought i would buy tickets to wrestlemania? it was ironic.", "y": "bluntly."}, {"x": "he forgot his pants. it's pretty funny. less than a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos. i mean, he... he forgot that he was already one? moron, the monkey.", "y": "so, karen in new york. bizarre, no?"}, {"x": "you can not get back with karen.", "y": "i never said i'd do that. i thought it arrives. that would be the worst disaster if i called?"}, {"x": "my name is lily and i approve this order. you know the story. ted and karen had a rocky relationship in college. it always happened like this. they were having fun, being obnoxious until one day...", "y": "you find pepperoni fascist and you're so right, so... oh, my god! karen!"}, {"x": "before you say a word, i think you should read les fleurs du mal by baudelaire.", "y": "i broke up with karen."}, {"x": "how was it?", "y": "super. look who's here!"}, {"x": "respect.", "y": "i was an idiot. it was my first real girlfriend. i was crazy about her. we've all done things we regret in college. in the third year, marshall has grown the goatee, wearing a beret and rasta required to be called mj cool."}, {"x": "i regret it at all.", "y": "so you really think that i should not call?"}, {"x": "go back in your little head it.", "y": "ok, ok. interesting information it is already done."}, {"x": "i can not believe that thou hast called. why do not you invite him to lunch as you're at it?", "y": "because i will not invite him to lunch... again."}, {"x": "you must cancel the luncheon.", "y": "i'd do that, of course... if he had not already occurred."}, {"x": "how can you break bread with this chick?", "y": "it was a lunch and not eat wheat. it was nice to be back.we even laughed at the idiots we were."}, {"x": "say i had a beret different every day.", "y": "say i had a picture of moliere on my backpack."}, {"x": "it was pretentious.", "y": "bluntly pretentious."}, {"x": "and for you?", "y": "i hate change, but take us brushettes and fresh mozzarella. grazie."}, {"x": "what has happened?", "y": "so..."}, {"x": "ted, darling. go outside and bite the curb. i arrive in 1 minute.", "y": "karen was the first girl i really loved. and after the year i had, i dunno, i think of lunch with her reminded me what it was to turn 18 and life ahead. and i would remind everyone that at least i was wearing pants."}, {"x": "that's nothing compared to this crazy thing with karen.ends.", "y": "that's all. it was just a kiss in a restaurant."}, {"x": "why do you say \"the restaurant\"? you've embraced elsewhere?", "y": "as in a tree? no, it was not done in a tree. what is his problem?"}, {"x": "marshall forgot his pants today, and yet you are the stupidest in this table.", "y": "lily, let's be honest. we know both your motives. you hate karen because she lingered."}, {"x": "in his defense, i had just the muscle.", "y": "why paint naked?"}, {"x": "he had eaten my fruit bowl. the fact is that karen is a dirty pervert, you can not bring into our lives.", "y": "relax, it was just one night! and three after. and one morning. but at least i had pants. even if, in fact, i had not."}, {"x": "it happened to us? where was i?", "y": "you know the sleeping pills you take for your crazy schedule? they are stronger than you think."}, {"x": "it's a foregone conclusion. ted is charlie brown trying to sh**t and karen, it's lucy who takes away the ball at the last second and sleeping with. you have understood me.ted falls in love, and karen is going wrong with a playboy, who says... \"sorry, dude.\"", "y": "false! you got to let the right answer in your pants, because that's exactly what did not happen."}, {"x": "my god. how could you?", "y": "sorry, dude."}, {"x": "awesome. thank you.", "y": "and you did not give him."}, {"x": "i'll finish for you. ted left without saying anything, and karen got exactly what she wanted.", "y": "not this time."}, {"x": "it's a moment you move away. i intended to break.", "y": "you're unbelievable. you do not have the guts to break up with someone decent. so, you've preferred to ride it all."}, {"x": "ok, you're right. i'm good in literature. gifted in art.good at identifying a french wine for less than a kilometer from where the grapes grew. but... i'm really bad to watch someone and say what i feel.", "y": "we're both zero for that. but... i think we need to change.why do not i would start? you are really hurtful and reckless.goodbye."}, {"x": "ted, wait. in fact, \"good bye\" means \"until we see each other again.\" so i guess you mean that in fact, we'll meet again?", "y": "sorry, dude."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "sorry, can not stay."}, {"x": "ted, karen is an idiot.", "y": "nice set of forms."}, {"x": "i put the forms there.", "y": "believe it or not, my friends do not have a say on which i frequent. this is my life. i decide."}, {"x": "now!", "y": "i arrive."}, {"x": "i hate robin not to have done better.", "y": "hi, guys. bad news i was karen plated. go ahead."}, {"x": "how did that happen?", "y": "this is totally stupid. we were together, you know, we laughed..."}, {"x": "no, it's you who love the chianti 2002. expect. what is this?", "y": "looks like the earring robin. bizarre. it's you..."}, {"x": "what's she doing here?", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "have you slept with robin?", "y": "what? of course not! she had to be found in the laundry."}, {"x": "why i believe you?", "y": "maybe because i've always been faithful, when thou hast deceived me 6 times, bitch."}, {"x": "in your face!", "y": "right? i too would have said that."}, {"x": "why i believe you?", "y": "maybe because i've always been faithful, while you... i love you..."}, {"x": "i knew it was a mistake. it's good. it's over.", "y": "that's it. she's gone."}, {"x": "of course. you think i'm sleeping in it?", "y": "a coffin."}, {"x": "you can use your shower?", "y": "it's not an anecdote, it's a p*rn."}, {"x": "nice to fly to neverland with peter pan? me, again! it was nice to get out of bed to accompany charlie to the chocolate? oh, me, me! something about scrooge! come on, guys. i do all the work.", "y": "i know. i live with marshall for 12 years. every time i put something, it's a victory."}, {"x": "ted, it will start!", "y": "i arrive."}, {"x": "what are you talking?", "y": "you hate karen. you told me to break it. it's you. did you put the loop in my bed for karen to find."}, {"x": "i would never...", "y": "admit it!"}, {"x": "there's nothing to admit!", "y": "why was it on your dresser?"}, {"x": "it is pretty!", "y": "i swear, if you tell me the truth on the field..."}, {"x": "wait! marshall did nothing. it's me. i made you break.", "y": "you made me break with karen? are you sick? what right did you do that?"}, {"x": "i did it for your own good. you do not see how it was horrible. she failed the test of the porch.", "y": "what is this test?"}, {"x": "karen has failed the test of the porch. she had to leave.", "y": "i can not believe you did that."}, {"x": "do you like is great, you, me and marshall. really, think about it.", "y": "it's pretty awesome."}, {"x": "a you can not wear anything underneath.", "y": "i confirm. you can cross your legs?"}, {"x": "so you're really angry?", "y": "i know. i mean, i guess if you get all this for karen, then it may be better."}, {"x": "i'm really sorry. i hated to do it again, but karen had to leave.", "y": "\"redo\"? how many times you made me break with my girlfriends?"}, {"x": "never! six.", "y": "like who?"}, {"x": "that's where is my cd of creed.", "y": "who else?"}, {"x": "do you remember this strange girl who wanted you to marry him after two months? you loved him in trouble, but you thought there anyway, so...", "y": "that was you? it's crazy!"}, {"x": "ted, i did it to help you. you're addicted to the commitment. you fell in love with these women, even if they do not deserve you.", "y": "and if one of them was to be the mother of my children?"}, {"x": "if there was any chance, i swear, i would have done anything. as victoria or stella.", "y": "or robin. or robin. you made us break too? you made us break too?"}, {"x": "stop talking to me as if i were your enemy! you know these women cry, but you have the luxury of not knowing what i know you have these breaks tragic surely avoided a first marriage crap and very expensive.", "y": "you have made us break up?"}, {"x": "you do not want the truth, because deep down, you want me to watch over you. and basically, you know that none of these women would have been the mother of your children.", "y": "you have made us break up?"}, {"x": "i did what i had to do.", "y": "you have made us break up?"}, {"x": "your grandfather was a wise olaf.", "y": "you made me break with robin?"}, {"x": "no, it's not...", "y": "i can not believe it. i need another drink."}, {"x": "the little barney says \"mahalo.\"", "y": "seriously, just what is your problem? how could you do that?"}, {"x": "the routine.", "y": "lily has just told us it made us break."}, {"x": "it's called a shirt.", "y": "it turns out that lily has decided to sabotage many of my relationships, including ours."}, {"x": "i was just trying to make you talk about your problems. i did not know it would lead to your break.", "y": "where do you see yourself in five years?"}, {"x": "not that i want to make you say, but surely you want to get married.", "y": "i would probably get married."}, {"x": "i would surely be in argentina.", "y": "in argentina?"}, {"x": "or tokyo, or paris.", "y": "we have a deadline, does not it?"}, {"x": "my god.", "y": "you can not manipulate people like that! i've known you for 12 years, but i've never been back!"}, {"x": "i was not...", "y": "i want to hear!"}, {"x": "do not say that.", "y": "stop cuddling! you got no right to interfere in my relationships you. you're lucky. you have found the love of your life in a dorm you turn 18. it gives you no right to play god while others are still looking for. you worry so much about who will finish with you on the porch. you know what? keep it for you."}, {"x": "my god, i hated him. finally, here is his obituary.", "y": "i realized that no matter what my friends think of my girlfriend, but it really matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends."}, {"x": "so, it's over?", "y": "yes. if you wanna be my guest, lily is a sacred stove."}, {"x": "beef pie, macaroni and cheese, butter cookie house.", "y": "normal marshall dies at age 68."}, {"x": "basically, lily made us break.", "y": "it makes you wonder."}, {"x": "if it had not been there, we always go out together?", "y": "maybe. she was right. we were not ready. we needed to move forward, we do our stuff. it is always the case."}, {"x": "we should make a pact. if the years pass and only 40 years old, one is always alone...", "y": "will you be my wife back?"}, {"x": "yeah. it's nonprofit. they just want to disseminate information.", "y": "i just had a conversation strange. a woman at the gnb told me that the new tower was abandoned last month. it's crazy, right? what is this look?"}, {"x": "there's been no light.", "y": "what's going on?"}, {"x": "white or asian? you see, i hardly know him.", "y": "how are you?"}, {"x": "you okay?", "y": "i'm frustrated. the least innovative thing in my drawings, bilson cuts with a machete. i hate to depend on what kind of guy."}, {"x": "it's decided. a new beginning! may the winds be with you...", "y": "are you kidding? they still come to turn a guy in my box.bilson, is heavy, it is clear, but without this project, i have more work."}, {"x": "you're super good. keep it up, man. your hair, your teeth are beautiful now. you shine like a diamond!", "y": "thank you. i needed it. well, i go back to work. i must insert a plank in the dark hallway of bilson. you have understood me."}, {"x": "my god! it's horrible. dandelion will make it? okay...you're strong! dandelion is not sick, huh?", "y": "so the tour is canceled and you really have lied to me."}, {"x": "we did it to protect you.", "y": "i think so. my two best friends have planted and i saw nothing."}, {"x": "in canada, it's called a snow plow vicious.", "y": "this tower was the dream job and it went up in smoke."}, {"x": "sorry, ted.", "y": "i need a drink."}, {"x": "no. i would have accepted it.", "y": "wait. if they canceled the project a month ago, why did i go every week to see the new working group?"}, {"x": "reginald, next week, get me out of here.", "y": "that was one of the most inspired designs of my career. i was so excited."}, {"x": "damn!", "y": "wait. it explains what happened to louisa."}, {"x": "all right!", "y": "louisa. what can we do about it? do not like you not understand. you feel the same. after all!"}, {"x": "there is no softball team. we just rented a field, a bunch of guys together so they make you a hero.", "y": "my lap of honor was bogus?"}, {"x": "sorry, we knew you'd be unemployed soon. we wanted you to feel good. friends do that.", "y": "lying?"}, {"x": "sometimes, yes, to protect them.", "y": "false! never lie to his friends. i should never have lied."}, {"x": "you're like me, people? have you ever considered the amount of fish species? and... the name of these fish?here are a few. \"trout. \"right? \"sturgeon. \"i think so buddy.\"salmon. \"i'll say it again... salmon. who thought it was a good idea? \"bar. \"this guy is what i mean. \"halibut. \"thank you, good evening. how do i?", "y": "super. very funny."}, {"x": "timeout. you do not like fish?", "y": "it was horrible! you've just read a list of fish."}, {"x": "whatever... this proves my point. you lied to me to protect me.", "y": "it has nothing to do! i lost one month of my life to work on a dead project. i could have spent that time to find new contracts. instead, i'll go tomorrow morning and probably get fired. best screenplay, my boss yelling at me going in front of everyone."}, {"x": "a totem of saskatoon. it's here.", "y": "hello, lying bastards. no lies before i go to work to get fired?"}, {"x": "nice shirt.", "y": "you're the devil."}, {"x": "what if we told you that you found another project to gnb, where you have to redo part of the 20th floor.", "y": "if it's a lie, it's really bad. and i will do what?"}, {"x": "this is the p.t.e. 18th floor. basically, bilson wants a piece like that, two floors above us.", "y": "wait, what is a p.t.e.?"}, {"x": "room for transitional employees.", "y": "what does that mean?"}, {"x": "it turns people here.", "y": "it's horrible. why have a special room to turn people?"}, {"x": "it's serious there.", "y": "leaving space dismissal, you get into what i call \"the renaissance corridor quiet.\" here, an oval room of rest with psychological support. right there, after the fountain of the new departure. and here it is. instead of a sad and gloomy cell, a protective womb... giving birth to a new life."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "hey, mister whisper. you should not be up there to draw your super pte?", "y": "i'm more about the project."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "bilson fired me."}, {"x": "what does that mean for your company? you're going to be fired?", "y": "actually, i just resign."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "i can not work for large corporations with no heart. in selling me your \"working group\", i was the most inspired work of my career. in fact, you reminded me how my job could be fun when i'm not dealing with bilson, so... i resigned."}, {"x": "they've turned, eh?", "y": "yes, sir. but i have good benefits and i have made a great decision. i'll start my own box."}, {"x": "so, do we want it?", "y": "ultimately, i am grateful."}, {"x": "what was it with bilson?", "y": "after he proposed a career change, i made an impromptu presentation with a four-step approach that put him in the knee."}, {"x": "you've hit with a chair?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "you believe not what happened last night laser tag.", "y": "people freaked out because of a calibrated in suits who bothered their children?"}, {"x": "what shall i do? i'll tell you that ted and i will do. we will introduce and apply the pq everywhere.", "y": "barney, you're too old to put toilet paper because you can play laser tag more. and by the way, too old for laser tag."}, {"x": "ted, laser tag has no age limit. as the striptease in the west midlle.", "y": "yeah, whatever. i added laser tag to the list of murtaugh."}, {"x": "i'm too old for this...", "y": "it's hard to admit, but with age, we can do certain things.this is why i have this list, not to make the mistake of thinking that i can still make a sleepless night."}, {"x": "i'm too old for this stuff.", "y": "or eat a whole pizza in one sitting."}, {"x": "i'm too old for this stuff.", "y": "or put posters on the wall without a frame."}, {"x": "there's nothing on this list for which you're too old. in fact, if you did everything on the murtaugh list, i would call it a nice weekend.", "y": "barney, you have more 18 years. if you did the whole list, you would die. it was not a challenge."}, {"x": "challenge accepted. the next 24 hours, i will do everything on the list. and after that, you go to the pq laser tag with me.", "y": "and if you fail?"}, {"x": "i'll spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture.", "y": "it works for me. robin, you do the honors?"}, {"x": "are you sure you want to do that? you know how it is.", "y": "there's some pretty hefty on the list. finally, do you really think barney is going to get ear pierced?"}, {"x": "i'm too old for this stuff.", "y": "you got anything in your ear? it looks like the inside of a pumpkin after halloween."}, {"x": "done. \"drinking sh*ts with strangers. \"done.", "y": "ok, barney? you seem to have a bad back."}, {"x": "there's a side admirable in its way to remain young.who wants to be old?", "y": "this guy. life is a meal and old age, the dessert. i get so many worries about the future. where will my career? who will i marry? when you're old, you do not worry, because all this has happened before. you got pumps and a comfortable seat for the stairs. that's perfect."}, {"x": "it's not perfect, it's pathetic. you can not skip to the end.the best thing is the journey.", "y": "i thought that, too, you'll understand when you grow older."}, {"x": "it's good.", "y": "i hate to refuse, but you told me that the turkey was extremely thin, and see for yourself."}, {"x": "okay. it's good. you have your own list.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "a list of things that you are too young. do all these things and tell me if you still want to be old.", "y": "removes \"colonoscopy\" and \"sleeping with an old\", and is a cinch."}, {"x": "new bet, then. if you can finish your list before me, we will cover the laser pq and you pay toilet paper.biodegradable and not this crap. i want up there forever.", "y": "well, if i finished first, it's six hours of study of american architecture from the early 20th, and you can not ever do something in the list of murtaugh. this is for your own good."}, {"x": "i give you two points for trying. but i take off two points because of your big head.", "y": "\"put on reading glasses. \"done. \"yelled the boy from the neighborhood. \"with pleasure. what happened to you?"}, {"x": "i just had a little \"screw up my knee and it hurts\" incident.", "y": "how did you do?"}, {"x": "okay. i call it. but it is 430 am. it will not be awakened.", "y": "got up at 4am... done."}, {"x": "hurry up, robin.", "y": "okay. \"take time to answer the phone. \""}, {"x": "come on, ted. i was given aspirin and i do not think it was.", "y": "done."}, {"x": "no, he remains a. \"the beer funnel. \"", "y": "it happens. i found these weird russian beers, in the basement."}, {"x": "the russian beer? i will take a bierofski. bierofski. got it?", "y": "yes, it's... a little hot. i hope this is not a problem."}, {"x": "no, no. okay. you won, i hate it. i hate it. my back is k*lling me. at the rave, i was mistaken for a cop. i have an earache so i can hear... i hear my own ear. think about it. my clothes... what... take that! i have redeemed you your best costume for twice its price. this is... $ 30. and throw the shoes. you won, ted. i will not make anything of the murtaugh list. i'm too old for this stuff.", "y": "you know, yesterday i went to bed at 20h because it was on the list and i could not sleep... because it was 20h. so i watched lethal w*apon."}, {"x": "i heard a joke at work.", "y": "come on. she will not like it. it's funny for the guys, not girls."}, {"x": "ready? what is the difference between jam and nutella? it's funny.", "y": "for the guys."}, {"x": "come on. it's funny. this is...", "y": "i told you so."}, {"x": "i think it's great that you fly with your own wings. i admire that.", "y": "thank you. and thank you for letting me use the apartment."}, {"x": "yeah, sure. anything you want.", "y": "a little thing, do you mind to cut off the tv during labor?"}, {"x": "it's not work!", "y": "sorry. it's just... i can not concentrate during the wheel of fortune... a penny saved is a penny, helen!"}, {"x": "i know you're nervous, but we must stop procrastinating. you've spent two days to choose the pen official mosbius designs.", "y": "i've suggested! i removed the felt. i make fun of that? the felt is back."}, {"x": "sorry for the inconvenience, sir. you need something else?", "y": "i would not refuse a cup of coffee."}, {"x": "so now ted is assisted to do nothing.", "y": "pj is a great help. install the desktop, create the web site. and in return, i guide a young brilliant mind."}, {"x": "yes, the guide.", "y": "i want you to go out today and... put your hands on the buildings. okay? sense the vibrations of the concrete. listen to the stories that you tell the stones. and going to the cleaners."}, {"x": "i will. thank you very much, mr. mosby.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "this idea of being a guide is to procrastinate the fact of calling customers.", "y": "i do not procrastinate. i just want everything to be perfect, right? i have only one test."}, {"x": "if ted says that pj is necessary to society, then pj will go nowhere.", "y": "you see? it is useful."}, {"x": "pj is a guy? pj, this is not a hottie you f*ck?", "y": "no, i guide him."}, {"x": "a guide. i guided a young, once. i made him my co-pilot. then one day, he hired an assistant to work 3 meters from her room, which... check it out... is not a hottie, proving he has never listened. you know how to call this type?", "y": "ted mosby?"}, {"x": "hi, frank.", "y": "hello? hello, pj. where are you? you're never late.you're mounted on the empire state building? listen to the old lady. she knows stories. take your time. wait.\"ted mosby house.\" the call comes from within! this is not the empire state building. you can not sleep with my assistant. i try to work here, me. how did that happen?"}, {"x": "at noon, when you go to any walk of reflection, that leaves us time to spend together.", "y": "inspiration... do your work."}, {"x": "why does it excite me?", "y": "there's billions of guys on earth. why do you sleep with him?"}, {"x": "look, we'll do it or not?", "y": "first, i know simulates-man, this is a good match.second, it must stop! if you distract pj, you lose productivity."}, {"x": "what productivity? you did not call a single customer.", "y": "once launched the website, printed brochures, and the choice of games at the business seminar, i will call."}, {"x": "this is ted mosby mosbius designs. how is the home office?", "y": "okay, until robin sleeps with my assistant."}, {"x": "you know what? i had to send the wrong photo.", "y": "you think so? listen to pj, the website is still not done.you're not even come to the seminar... in fact, i saw a sh**ting star... and you're late every day. sorry, pj. i must be concentrated. you're fired."}, {"x": "you can not fire me...", "y": "you're fired."}, {"x": "one more.", "y": "stop."}, {"x": "i'll miss you too.", "y": "you've already tired of him."}, {"x": "it is driving me crazy. when pj was working, he was sexy. the keeper of the key toilet. a sexy guy that says when you can go to the bathroom or not? it's the dream.", "y": "\"it's the dream\"? the dream? as mentioned by martin luther king?"}, {"x": "but friends and others.", "y": "my god, this is the worst break."}, {"x": "you're not lily. lily is a diabolical puppet master, the subtle situations to achieve its ends. this is evil incarnate. you have the right. cling to it.", "y": "i was going to do my walk with wisdom. want to go?"}, {"x": "are you okay?", "y": "and if i did not think the books?"}, {"x": "sorry?", "y": "there is a history of architecture on a famous architect who designed the library. she was perfect. but every year, sinking a few inches into the ground. obviously, the building was condemned. he forgot to take into account the weight of books. this box... it's just me. if i ever thought not to books?"}, {"x": "no one goes to the library, so you do not care of this type. and you must pick up the phone and call customers.", "y": "the more i delayed the launch of my box, the more it can remain a dream and not something that i screwed up. it's like if i quit before it began."}, {"x": "you wanna talk drop? i described as the perfect guy \"funny, intelligent, passionate, ambitious.\" and apparently, i just... \"in my apartment.\" you thought that you would have understood, now?", "y": "are you kidding? at 30, i had to have an insolent success, being married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way. instead, i'm just a guy sitting in his apartment, which is a competition look with his phone. and who loses."}, {"x": "you can do it.", "y": "hello, ted mosby mosbius designs. i learn about your design needs, present or future."}, {"x": "it looks good.", "y": "i looked confident?"}, {"x": "now known as a real customer.", "y": "great."}, {"x": "look at this.", "y": "i had the number of that girl. look. holly."}, {"x": "and not to mention the girls with names ending in i instead of a y. these girls are like rides. you make the long tail, but once inside, you hold on, hoping not to lose your keys.", "y": "you know what i'm going to do? i'll call on. i will do \"you remember me? it's been a \". it's funny because i just saw."}, {"x": "you can not. you must wait three days before calling.this is the rule.", "y": "this rule is completely outdated. they know exactly what you do. i have another rule. it's a bit crazy, but i call it, \"you like him, you call him.\""}, {"x": "sorry. can you repeat that? i do not mean the i-f*ck-ever.", "y": "my rule of three days, it is anything. who invented it?"}, {"x": "and he will not come back on a saturday. everyone is busy doing chores. weave, cut the beard. no. it looked exactly the right number of days... three.", "y": "i promise, i'll wait three days. stop talking."}, {"x": "what was that?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you made a noise.", "y": "this is my laptop, a text message."}, {"x": "not that. you made the sound of the naked girl.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "when you see a naked girl, you make noise.", "y": "that's not true."}, {"x": "this is holly who writes to you? you're not promised to wait three days?", "y": "to call. texting, it's different."}, {"x": "okay, just try to proclaim your sound of the naked girl.", "y": "i make no noise."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "holly just told me what she wears. it's pretty exciting."}, {"x": "whatever it is, i guarantee you she do not wear it. she lies to please you.", "y": "how do you know?"}, {"x": "because no woman in history has never, \"asked to read architectural magazines in my old... uniform cheerleader. \"", "y": "okay, maybe she's lying on the architectural magazines.no. this is bad."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "she just sent me a message clearly intended for someone else."}, {"x": "\"baby, i got to eat at generro. i come home soon. \"yes, it sounds bad, but thinking a little. it is perhaps for his brother or father who is ill.", "y": "come down."}, {"x": "it's better.", "y": "i wear them right now and they are very sexy."}, {"x": "we all know what it gave.", "y": "i'm in love with you."}, {"x": "yes. or...", "y": "holly explained everything to me, it was just a misunderstanding. all is well now."}, {"x": "really? how she explained the scope of texting?", "y": "apparently, his idiot friend of marsha accidentally used his phone for a message to her husband billy."}, {"x": "marsha and billy. they are not trampled.", "y": "and now i feel better than ever. it sounds crazy, but i think that i am attached to this girl."}, {"x": "you cling to barney and marshall.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "they did not believe that you'd wait three days, so barney has changed his number by that of his work laptop.holly is barney and marshall.", "y": "wait. it was them all along? so holly was not in his bath?or sitting by the window, gazing at the stars thinking of me? or on his couch cheerleader reading architecture magazines?"}, {"x": "i think they have done that. they were just at the bar.", "y": "it's true."}, {"x": "yes, it was them.", "y": "incredible!"}, {"x": "i know. you should tell them that you are not fooled.", "y": "or... i send them a text message that will really confuse them."}, {"x": "i see. why not \"i have told anyone yet, but i only have three months to live\"?", "y": "not bad. and \"i k*lled a man with a shovel, and those feelings resurface\"?"}, {"x": "i love this thing someone said about three months to live.", "y": "\"i've never told anyone but i slept with the mother of my best friend. \""}, {"x": "it's good, but i think it comes down to trick the three months to live.", "y": "wait. i think i have."}, {"x": "look at this guy. how is my best friend for 12 years?", "y": "it's a bit weird, but... i had a strange dream yesterday. it's a bit embarrassing."}, {"x": "your feelings are quite natural.", "y": "that's what happened."}, {"x": "ok, what do you say that. you know that someday in the future, machines will rebel?", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "so, the machines... k*lled everyone. and there are only you, me, and barney. who among us would you... you?", "y": "and.. why should i \"make me\" one of you?"}, {"x": "machines force you. they want to watch. that's how they erupt.", "y": "it's hard. i imagine it would be... holly. robin told me everything. that's why i invented everything. guys, here is holly. and i have not waited for your precious three days to call. i knew where she was working so i found. let me ask you? it was too early?"}, {"x": "i loved that he called me right away. it's very romantic.and i do not assoies home to read architectural magazines uniformed cheerleader. i do it naked.", "y": "holly and i are going to dinner."}, {"x": "and also, it was really funny.", "y": "i do not need help, ok? i can look after myself. and yes, maybe some girls do not like to be called away or they may say too, but guess what? these are not good for me. maybe the good is the one that loves me to do that, because... this is who i am and i will not change because of a stupid rule of the three days. holly spells his name with an \"i\"."}, {"x": "that's what you want, son. it's very simple. opening a restaurant called rib town and it is to have the form... a cowboy hat.", "y": "a hat? this is brilliant. i love it! nothing better to say \"delicious\" as inside a cowboy hat. i tell you, i'm your man. i think being born to draw this building. i... i see."}, {"x": "all-nighter?", "y": "i told them i had a vision for this thing. they want a drawing in a week and i have nothing!"}, {"x": "it's cute.", "y": "cute? i can draw concert halls and bridges. bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. and i could draw these museums. but i draw, what instead? where is my career? a two-story stetson... with a terrace on the edge. it's a cosmic joke. the universe conspires against me."}, {"x": "did you just need to get out. take a walk. pay yourself a bagel.", "y": "yeah, that'll solve everything. i have not slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. cinnamon and raisin bagel with some cream. it looks good. i'll buy one."}, {"x": "take an umbrella. it's going to rain, according galoshes, our clown-weather.", "y": "your show has a clown to present the weather? it's a bit nase, right?"}, {"x": "and this restaurant that you draw, what form it, hoss?", "y": "okay. you want to fire me from here, i go out. i look forward to seeing what the universe has prepared me."}, {"x": "on the other hand, i bought a big bag today.", "y": "wait, why did you vomit?"}, {"x": "you want to know.", "y": "come on. tell me."}, {"x": "i'm pregnant.", "y": "i will raise this child with you. you're not alone. you can get married if you want, but i want to see other girls, it would be one of those marriages..."}, {"x": "stop! i'm not pregnant. this is an intoxication. i ate something at the restaurant, three hours later, i vomited like a fountain.", "y": "where?"}, {"x": "this is a disgusting issue.", "y": "where was your meal?"}, {"x": "i want to tell you.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "yeah, i'm pregnant.", "y": "why do you not tell me where you got your intoxication?"}, {"x": "you adore this place. if i tell you, it will ruin it.", "y": "it makes sense. do not say anything."}, {"x": "i say nothing.", "y": "the spanish restaurant with the cradle?"}, {"x": "i say nothing.", "y": "is it here? tell me!"}, {"x": "you really want to know? this is schlegel's bagels.", "y": "why do you have told me? schlegel's? thank you! i'll have to find another new york place that serves bagels."}, {"x": "the bro's life magazine. page 83. look.", "y": "\"what does your paintball on your personality? \""}, {"x": "lowest.", "y": "\"the last 3 kilos how the push to lose. \""}, {"x": "highest.", "y": "petra petrova."}, {"x": "the girl of the year in may, according to bro's life magazine. a delicate flower in stiletto heel leopard thong and riding a 4x4.", "y": "these magazines are broken. it is certainly retouched."}, {"x": "i have an appointment with.", "y": "you are my hero! really? how did you do?"}, {"x": "it's not in the story. i waited a long time to say that.this girl... is the daughter.", "y": "of course it is. marry them! it."}, {"x": "marrying? i have something even more special in mind. petra, if all goes well, will be my... wait, my 200th! can not wait. too exciting.", "y": "the 200th with that... get laid?"}, {"x": "who i'll lie. i want the highest \"tope there.\"", "y": "even if i was wearing protective clothing. 200 is too much!"}, {"x": "as if there could be too much of something wonderful.\"babe ruth, gently, my grandfather. do not hit too many home runs. steve guttenberg, you should not do that three police academy. america has laughed enough. \"", "y": "who are these girls? it was rhetorical. show me the list."}, {"x": "199 satisfied customers. finally, the big night is thursday. i give a reception before, in mcclaren's. prepares a toast. tuxedo optional but desired. gifts are, i would say useless, but follow your heart.", "y": "200 is too much."}, {"x": "it's not too much.", "y": "that's too!"}, {"x": "jealous. jealous. hero. strangely silent during this conversation on his number of sexual partners. hero. the grand total, it is the only number that matters.", "y": "who said so?"}, {"x": "and i'll call.", "y": "i think he'll say it again very slowly."}, {"x": "i win a czech supermodel in two hours. i can not waste it in the 199th. petra must be the 200th.", "y": "are you gonna do? you will find not a partner in the next 2 hours."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "where did barney? it's been over an hour."}, {"x": "it's done. 199 made of, more than one. have you finished your drink? that's better.", "y": "it has happened to you what?"}, {"x": "there... a girl in the gym. pauline. she runs after me for a while.", "y": "why wait till then?"}, {"x": "so that means... pauline is not the 199th, it is the 200th?", "y": "congratulations!"}, {"x": "it must have petra! petra was to be the 200th!beautiful, feminine, \"unrestrained power in bed\", petra!", "y": "go! happened to you at 200. you should be proud. you should be tested, but you should be proud. we do not care if pauline does not pose in bikinis in magazines."}, {"x": "what about the graphics.", "y": "any visual representation of data."}, {"x": "it's you, sustained growth.", "y": "mosbius designs."}, {"x": "what happened to my pictures?", "y": "they were thrown."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that's an intervention. you could not stop eating, so we threw your cam."}, {"x": "come on, ted! i need my pictures! only for today and i promise to never ever do. i suffered a lot of pressure. i need my paintings, jack!", "y": "you make tables work?"}, {"x": "it's for work, idiot! i make a great show and if i have not these pictures, i'm gonna get fired!", "y": "damn. not move. i bring them."}, {"x": "tables! buy your tables!", "y": "i'm sorry, milt? i think these are my paintings."}, {"x": "these tables? on my coverage?", "y": "this is my blanket. we'll see later. but i need these tables."}, {"x": "good thing they are selling.", "y": "okay, how?"}, {"x": "one million.", "y": "i give you five dollars."}, {"x": "one million.", "y": "no one will pay a million for these pictures!"}, {"x": "one million.", "y": "ok, milt, you won. i will give one million."}, {"x": "i'm urine...", "y": "the problem is that the distributor..."}, {"x": "the alien time machine...", "y": "the alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. that's what i'll do. i give you a dollar... per day... for a million days."}, {"x": "i do too.", "y": "and tony! what a nice surprise."}, {"x": "\"what a nice surprise\"? no, a nice surprise would have been a safe falls from 40 stories e crushes them both. you let yourself do?", "y": "we had a friendly discussion and we resumed our respective paths."}, {"x": "i would say even more. you, sir, did think stella. \"ted looked so cool now. do i chose the wrong? \"wait a week. the bush on the back. and belly. have you felt that? there was an earthquake \"tope-there\".", "y": "i am not on the back. or stomach. i want to move forward.and it was an important step towards that. the future."}, {"x": "i made a terrible mistake.", "y": "i know. i'm better than you."}, {"x": "bluntly. ressortons lie down together and much more.", "y": "sold!"}, {"x": "i knew it was wrong to steal someone's girlfriend. i got used to it. i could not sleep. and for the wrong reasons.sometimes for good reasons. stella and i, we had not seen for five years, so you can imagine, at first it was fast and intense.broken lamps, furniture moved. you see this bald area?regardless, we turned the page. me, lucy, stella, we would be moving to la i was going to become a screenwriter. then, you have been crossed, and you looked so... sad.", "y": "sad? no. i think what you call sorrow was only... jovial nonchalance."}, {"x": "you're wrong, ok? as a small dachshund with back pain who should be walking in a bag.", "y": "why are you here?"}, {"x": "i know i can be a bit harsh, but i can not bear to have you as many wounded. fate put me in the street to fix it.obviously, i can not fill the crater left by stella in your heart.", "y": "i met lots of girls."}, {"x": "and i know you've been fired.", "y": "i switched to running a small business. this is the lung of the economy."}, {"x": "a very big check!", "y": "yeah! he has not signed a check."}, {"x": "ted, i want to offer you a job.", "y": "a job?"}, {"x": "... your own resume as professor of architecture.", "y": "no thank you."}, {"x": "what do you mean \"no thank you\"? you'd be a great teacher. you are an expert, you can talk, and when necessary, you can get to grow a beautiful beard.", "y": "i will not be a professor. that's what you do when your career is in trouble and you have to pay the bills. manager of small business. the lung of the economy. i will not take this job, okay? i'll get through. new topic."}, {"x": "you think i can not blow a fine? you think i can not blow my fine? i am barney stinson, master of manipulation. if i managed to make me pay for a stripper to dance, i can blow a fine. challenge accepted... wait.", "y": "i understand. \"ack-ted. \"i understood."}, {"x": "you wanna be an architect? super. a guy i was in school wants a new home. the job is yours if you want.", "y": "tony, i do not need your help."}, {"x": "that's his job.", "y": "now that's a very big check."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "i want to design a home that showcases the landscape without dominating. in 1935, when frank lloyd wright designed the house to the waterfall..."}, {"x": "yes, that's fine. you will do a good job. my concern is the basement. especially the laundry.", "y": "the laundry room?"}, {"x": "gruesome?", "y": "gruesome."}, {"x": "ted, it looks like this guy asks you to design...", "y": "a deadly house."}, {"x": "by practicing martial arts, i learned to believe in my instinct and my instinct tells me that... it sounds great.", "y": "the steak is very rare."}, {"x": "you can not do this house!", "y": "i will not do."}, {"x": "you can not do it!", "y": "i will not do it!"}, {"x": "sorry for this house of horror. it was my fault. it is for me.new plan. my friend, you will build a husband to the statue of liberty. i have some knowledge in the town hall.", "y": "stop! i do not want your help, ok? you did not do that."}, {"x": "yes", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "because... when you were with stella, i missed her terribly. i can imagine how you feel.", "y": "let me reassure you. i do not want to stella. she lied to me, dumped me at the altar. who can do that? i'm better off without her. it is all yours, buddy."}, {"x": "okay. a weight less.", "y": "stella?"}, {"x": "tony left me.", "y": "tony left you?"}, {"x": "you did break tony and stella? really sorry, but i must insist that you topes there.", "y": "let's talk in the hallway."}, {"x": "i'll wait.", "y": "why are you here?"}, {"x": "take it back on, darling. he's sorry.", "y": "no, it's not what happens. tuck, mrs. matsen. delighted to have you review, stella."}, {"x": "can you talk to tony?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "he'll listen. you made him change his mind. you can do it again. it is cruel to ask that...", "y": "yes, it's cruel to ask it."}, {"x": "i do not know what else to do. i love it.", "y": "you love her? what, you do call my romance? it's your strategy? because this guy is gone. you can have me over like that. i am attached to nothing, thanks to you."}, {"x": "tuck, mrs. matsen!", "y": "enter!"}, {"x": "tuck, mrs. matsen!", "y": "enter!"}, {"x": "i can not do anything to fix everything?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "it's me! this is barney. with the help! i have big problems!", "y": "slow down. what's going on?"}, {"x": "you must come to brazzaville, in new jersey to take me out.", "y": "i'm a little busy."}, {"x": "save me, ted!", "y": "you wanna do something for me? i have to go in new jersey."}, {"x": "by the way, how's the girl you see? this superb french with huge tits?", "y": "you talk about claudette? she is fine."}, {"x": "again, sorry for everything. actually...", "y": "i talk to tony."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "i want you to be happy. i will speak to him."}, {"x": "that is correct.", "y": "good."}, {"x": "it's a little silly, but yes.", "y": "i will say out loud something that i had managed not to say out loud. have you, tony and you... that at one point i thought i had with you... i know that marshall and lily... i want that. i want to. i keep waiting and waiting for that to happen and... i guess i'm just... tired of waiting. and that's all i have to say about it."}, {"x": "i've already told you that i avoided a pv?", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "i was at my parents by doing 130 and i was arrested.the cop comes out of his car. he struts around a bit to me like, \"girl, i've waited all day. \"then i looked and i said,\" sorry, mr. officer. i came as fast as i could. \"", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "you can always do prof.", "y": "i have not worked as hard to finish in a crappy job. get me wrong, lily."}, {"x": "i was pissed 3 times this morning. i can not say.", "y": "i pass this building, so i see you in three days."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "a hat-shaped building."}, {"x": "it's time to talk?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "what do you think of robin?", "y": "i have to really work, so..."}, {"x": "awesome. say that is a tailor and you have found a nice suit. a nice suit canada. superb chest. you try it, but it does not suit you perfectly. so you return it. then i try it. i'm not too keen... a suit that you have caught the eye, but at the same time, i love this costume.", "y": "buy the costume. it is important to you. tell him how you feel."}, {"x": "but ted, remember your answer, because... the costume is robin. i know! okay?", "y": "i'm with you."}, {"x": "now. for i have explained.", "y": "what..."}, {"x": "come on, man, you're on it for three days without stopping. this is your birthday. come have a beer on the roof.", "y": "impossible, the presentation is tomorrow. these hats are not alone."}, {"x": "that's a big restaurant for tourists. just put wide doors and chairs strengthened. birthday beer on the roof. let's go!", "y": "why do you want as i go on the roof? you made me a surprise party?"}, {"x": "i can jump it.", "y": "recently, you need two tries to get up from the couch.you can not skip it."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "really."}, {"x": "actually, it's not bad.", "y": "right?"}, {"x": "this is ted. everyone! ted, are you?", "y": "she's here, lily. she looks at me."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "the goat."}, {"x": "the costume is robin. i know! okay?", "y": "i'm with you."}, {"x": "now. as i explained...", "y": "what..."}, {"x": "what changed everything?", "y": "i think i love you."}, {"x": "what has happened?", "y": "it happened... you left a wild animal in our apartment. i've been att*cked."}, {"x": "this is the sweetest and adorable goat in the world.", "y": "\"the sweetest and adorable goat in the world\"?"}, {"x": "you're the one who wanted to be a goat?", "y": "it's the goat jumped on me! can i go?"}, {"x": "yes. but remember, \"bee\" means \"bee\".", "y": "great, i'm late for my presentation. thank you, mr. goat."}, {"x": "yeah, let's go.", "y": "there he is, gentlemen. rib town. is it not? is it not?"}, {"x": "ted, listen. you are great and you did a... great job, and you'll make other restaurants very happy one day, but... we...decided to go... in another direction.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "treat yourself with... rib town!", "y": "sven..."}, {"x": "i will not eat.. never... chops! before ted!", "y": "it's a disaster. how i will recover?"}, {"x": "ok, i'm just asking. you really want to recover?", "y": "what does that mean?"}, {"x": "architecture is k*lling you and it kills us to see her k*ll you.you're like the goat with the mop. you want it so much, and whenever the world try to get the resume, it hooks you. but you know what? this is only a wimp. why do you want?", "y": "because i have to be an architect. this is... that's the plan."}, {"x": "barney wanted to be a violinist. need not tell me. you can not draw your life as a building. it does not work like that. you must live it and draw it to itself.", "y": "so what, i should do anything?"}, {"x": "i know. i know. so... has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...", "y": "wow! what's this?"}, {"x": "it's just a little something that we got for you that used to belong to my favourite professor of all time.", "y": "a fedora! i'm indiana jones! i'm indiana jones!!"}, {"x": "that, my friend, is the dominator 8000, the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy. yeah, i have a whip guy.", "y": "you know what we should do? we should..."}, {"x": "finish our drinks, go out in the alley, and whip stuff.", "y": "god... you just get me."}, {"x": "ok ted, you got first whip!", "y": "all right. hey, dummy. what did tell you about smoking in here?"}, {"x": "make him whip the habit! i'so excited about this whip! i got whip fever! just whip him, ted! don't even aim! just whip him!", "y": "i'm so sorry."}, {"x": "it's just the whip's not a toy. there's such a thing as common sense, you know.", "y": "you can whip me if you want."}, {"x": "or. or...", "y": "question. awesome. hit it."}, {"x": "and if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?", "y": "they're at home. i..."}, {"x": "and where are your pants?", "y": "barney, it was awful. i was teaching..."}, {"x": "ted, now's not a good time. where do you keep your condoms?", "y": "i am freaking out. i don't think i can do this."}, {"x": "would you just have the talk, okay? it's a five-minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards. it's great! back me up, ted.", "y": "i don't think the talk is necessary."}, {"x": "thank you, ted.", "y": "because robin is already his girlfriend."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "maclaren's bar, four years ago..."}, {"x": "how do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.", "y": "\"gremlins\"?"}, {"x": "gremlins. rule number 1. never get them wet. in otherords, don't let her take a shower at your place. number 2. keep them away from sunlight. i.e. don't ever see them", "y": "what about brunch? is brunch cool?"}, {"x": "no, ted. brunch is not cool.", "y": "ok, new topic. how do i pick a tie?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry to bother you, professor mosby, but this isn't architecture 101. this is economics 305. you're in the wrong classroom.", "y": "here's your think-about-it for the day. every single person in this room... is already an architect."}, {"x": "not good enough!", "y": "can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about?"}, {"x": "not good enough!", "y": "you... why do you want to be an architect?"}, {"x": "i don't want to be an architect.", "y": "yes, exactly. it's not something you want to be. it's something you need to be. you don't have a choice, right? none of you has a choice."}, {"x": "not good enough!", "y": "wait... don't... all leave! architecture's fun! look! i brought a hacky sack!"}, {"x": "sorry i'm late, everyone. my name is professor calzonetti. this is economics 305. you may return to your seats.", "y": "sorry, sir. this is... architecture 101. who invited their dad, right?"}, {"x": "young man, for the last 28 years, economics 305 has been taught right here in building 14, room 7.", "y": "euh, yeah, but, i'm sure 200 architecture students and their professor all got the room wrong."}, {"x": "20 minutes late on your first day? that's rough.", "y": "yeah, but here's the funny thing. by that point, i didn't have time to think about what kind of teacher i was going to be. i just got up there and talked about architecture. and it was kind of great."}, {"x": "congratulations, buddy.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "hey, ted, door five! were you there?", "y": "yeah, i got you, buddy. they still haven't had the talk?"}, {"x": "yeah, that felt wrong.", "y": "you do realize they were lying, right?"}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "jen?"}, {"x": "it's nice to meet you.", "y": "it's nice to meet you, too."}, {"x": "where are you taking me, barney?", "y": "wait a second, the \"origins of chewbacca\" exhibit's inmontreal this year. everyone knows that. where are you taking me?"}, {"x": "my guy in the da's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. but we're still stopping for chili dogs first.", "y": "stop the cab."}, {"x": "are you kidding? she'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 1030 jell-o show. bt-dub, i called ahead it's lime.", "y": "so, jen, what do you do?"}, {"x": "i'm between jobs internet bubble burst. makes me realize i should go into something more stable... like banking. so what about you?", "y": "i'm an architect. hopefully, one day, i can use my own humble brush on the masterpiece that ismanhattan's skyline."}, {"x": "ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like lily!", "y": "yeah, i can't talk right now."}, {"x": "stop looking at her.", "y": "uh, look, i got to go. take a picture."}, {"x": "i'll k*ll you!", "y": "sorry about that."}, {"x": "so, any thoughts on food?", "y": "yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?"}, {"x": "i would love to share the oysters.", "y": "good. 'cause if you didn't......that would be mighty shellfish."}, {"x": "wow, that's bad.", "y": "that's why it's funny!"}, {"x": "we've been on this date before.", "y": "we've been on this exact blind date before."}, {"x": "in this exact same restaurant.", "y": "correct me if i'm wrong, but i don't think that blind date went too well."}, {"x": "me neither. i remember thinking that you were a little snobby.", "y": "wait, you... you dressur cats up in weird costumes."}, {"x": "they're not weird. see, you're being snobby again.", "y": "oh, my god. do you realize what this means? since our first date, we've done a complete lap of all the single people innew york only to end up back here, with each other."}, {"x": "whoa. we're going to die alone, aren't we?", "y": "well, you've got your cats."}, {"x": "this is insane.", "y": "wait, i got to ask. why did you think i was snobby?"}, {"x": "wait... okay... yeah, we were sitting over there...", "y": "main lobster. they spelled \"maine\" without the \"e.\" good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by..."}, {"x": "pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.", "y": "huh. i had no idea."}, {"x": "okay, well, what about me? aside from the cats, how did i come across?", "y": "that's right-- the check. the check came and, of course, i was going to pay, but you didn't do the check dance."}, {"x": "huh. i had no idea.", "y": "this is good. we're learning stuff. you know what we should do? we should retrace the rest of that night and figure out what else we do wrong on first dates. 'cause let's be honest, we are scaring people off, jen."}, {"x": "we really are. okay, i'm in.", "y": "great."}, {"x": "where'd we go next?", "y": "i think we went to maclaren's."}, {"x": "marshall made me go.", "y": "all right, so what did i do wrong next? let me have it. i'm here to learn."}, {"x": "it's a little brisk out tonight, huh?", "y": "not really."}, {"x": "really? i can't feel my fingers.", "y": "i'm pretty impervious to stuff like that."}, {"x": "after a day of fighting fires, jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 camaro. that or bare-knuck boxing, which he learned in the marine corps.", "y": "i had an aunt in the coast guard."}, {"x": "okay, so no talking about the ex. not even about his shockingly small wiener?", "y": "see? why didn't you lead off with that?"}, {"x": "m*rder?! no! i, baby-no. you develop a chronic illness! i spare no expense for your care! i even stand up a foundation in your name. we're, like, this close to a cure.", "y": "remember?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah! i do remember. we went in here for a drink with your friends. who i loved... or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.", "y": "you loved them."}, {"x": "they're family, ted.", "y": "let's go in and see what they remember. and they are my best friends, so don't be surprised if they suddenly \"can't think\" of anything i do wrong."}, {"x": "actually you know what it was? i remember him coming across as kind of a player.", "y": "me?"}, {"x": "psst! ted!", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "gosh, i thought you were such a jerk. i'm so sorry.", "y": "yeah, well, it's nice to know \"past me\" wasn't a total jackass, huh?"}, {"x": "thank you very much.", "y": "you got it."}, {"x": "yes. oh, yeah! i remember this.", "y": "...and there's thechryslerbuilding. and the empire state building. and at 1200, a rotund couple going at it against the glass."}, {"x": "aww... that's kind of sweet. oh, look. snack break.", "y": "good for them. letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love. so, um... i know this wasn't the best"}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "yeah. so would you maybe, um... want to go out again?"}, {"x": "yeah, i, i would. will you call me?", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "promise?", "y": "promise."}, {"x": "hello?", "y": "jen, i sorry. look, i know i'm seven years late with this call, but i was an idiot back then. you saw the goatee. the truth is, i had a great time tonight, and i'd love to see you again."}, {"x": "wow, she crawls fast.", "y": "look, jen, i wish i could go back and talk some sense into 2002 ted, but that guy's a lost cause. he's 24. he thinks a little facial hair makes him look like john depp. and he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on. but i've learned a lot since then. i've learned a lot tonight."}, {"x": "the only thing that we've learned is that, seven years ago, it was mistake for us to go out. and i guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.", "y": "no, it wasn't. i had a great time tonight. and seven years ago, if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much. if a couple things had gone a little bit differently... who knows what"}, {"x": "... now what?", "y": "i just remembered why i didn't call you."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "i can't believe i'm gonna screw this up again, but, um... i like finding typos in menus."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "and i know my shellfish pun is stupid but the truth... i'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes."}, {"x": "now that you mention it... i'm never going to stop talking about my cats. they're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six benadryl a day.", "y": "shouldn't we hold out for the person who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other, seven years from now?"}, {"x": "oh, dear god, i hope that doesn't happen.", "y": "well... good luck out there, jen."}, {"x": "boyfriend. barney stinson is my boyfriend. i've said it, like, a hundred times it still sounds weird to say.", "y": "well, anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times. bowl. bowl. bowl."}, {"x": "but other than that, things are good?", "y": "bowl. bowl."}, {"x": "i don't know. i think barney's been single for too long.", "y": "bowl."}, {"x": "like, the other night, i wake up at 400 a.m", "y": "bowl."}, {"x": "that's happened three times.", "y": "bowl."}, {"x": "and then, once you're off the phone with lily, i'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. mm-kay?", "y": "bowl."}, {"x": "look, i'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but... a little more effort would be nice.", "y": "bowl. bowl."}, {"x": "i understand.", "y": "bowl."}, {"x": "i guess, in a lot of ways, barney doesn't stack up.", "y": "bowl. bowl."}, {"x": "i mean, you've had some pretty incredible boyfriends.", "y": "bowl. bowl. bowl. bowl."}, {"x": "no, that's not it.", "y": "bowl."}, {"x": "i don't know.", "y": "bowl"}, {"x": "maybe he just doesn't have it in him.", "y": "bowl. bowl."}, {"x": "maybe is whole thing's a big mistake.", "y": "bowl?"}, {"x": "she really said that?", "y": "and she meant it. trust me. i dated robin for a year-- if you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder. be more attentive to where she is emotionally. you know, just be present."}, {"x": "yes, totally. yeah. only thing, and this is just me--", "y": "mm-hmm."}, {"x": "stinson back in. say, hypothetically, i did want to change who i am to become a better boyfriend to robin, which i do not! what kind of changes are we talking about?", "y": "why, i mean, there's just so much you need to know about her. okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front her."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "and whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times."}, {"x": "fantasy football.", "y": "\"how to date robin scherbatsky.\" lesson one. now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what robin really wants, deep down..."}, {"x": "i'm bored.", "y": "you said you wanted my help."}, {"x": "can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?", "y": "we did that ready."}, {"x": "no, like, really big boobs.", "y": "no. look, i need this, too. i've only been a professor a few weeks. being up here, it's, it's good practice for me."}, {"x": "can we have class outside?", "y": "no! what robin really wants deep down..."}, {"x": "what? i'm tweeting about you. you should be flattered. how do you spell blah-blah-blah- \"h's\" or no?", "y": "wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?"}, {"x": "they said i had a-d... something. can we have class outside?", "y": "barney, i'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. i love you and i love robin. and i want to make this work. so if you give me a few weeks of attention, i could give you a lifetime of happiness. can you do that for me?"}, {"x": "\"top ten robin scherbatsky facial expressions and their meaning.\"", "y": "now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. what do these mean?"}, {"x": "you guys just had sex? oh! wasn't me.", "y": "dude! i worked really hard on these slides, okay? can we just..."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "this look is hunger. if you ever see robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. one weird, out-of-context laughter. or two spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. but the most important facial expression of all?"}, {"x": "that's a building.", "y": "oh... that's for my class. theflatironbuilding. fun story about it. it was designed bychicago's daniel burnham in the beaux arts style; this architectural gem..."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "right. the most important facial expression of all."}, {"x": "whoa...", "y": "flared nostril ridges. wide, unblinking eyes. if you ever, ever see this face, barney, run. and don't take a picture of it. she will punch you. and you will cry... for the third time... that night. which brings us to an important point defusing the b*mb."}, {"x": "i don't know. check this out. this is actually kind of sweet.", "y": "now, we all know robin's not what you'd call \"touchy-feely.\" she doesn't say, \"i love you,\" like a normal person. instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, \"you're an idiot.\""}, {"x": "\"you're an idiot\"?", "y": "yup. if she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man. and if she does say \"i love you,\" she's already broken up with you in her mind."}, {"x": "ah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled...", "y": "oh, yeah...lefty like that."}, {"x": "i can't believe i'm taking sexual advice from ted mosby. that's like taking fashion advice from... well, ted mosby.", "y": "three \"never, ever play the 'guess who' game with her.\""}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "barney! do you have a problem with this class?"}, {"x": "yeah, it's boring as hell and i'm not learning anything.", "y": "uh, well, maybe the problem is your attitude. you're not listening to a word i say."}, {"x": "uh-huh. uh, can you hear this, professor? or should i turn it up for you?.", "y": "oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? okay. pop quiz."}, {"x": "what...", "y": "when robin's pms-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?"}, {"x": "trick question. get her butterscotch.", "y": "correct! why?"}, {"x": "butterscotch is to canadian women what chocolate is to american women.", "y": "correct! what is robin's dream job?"}, {"x": "to become the most successful female tv journalist of all time.", "y": "correct! and if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?"}, {"x": "no! robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad \"robin, i'm proud of you, eh?\"", "y": "yes! but i guess you're right. you haven't learned anything. sorry to have wasted your time."}, {"x": "yeah, i have one.", "y": "yes, robin?"}, {"x": "dude, it's a barrel!", "y": "aw! you're giving mabel away?"}, {"x": "i have so many questions. why would you do this? what were you thinking? who the hell is that guy?.", "y": "oh, that's shin-ya. he's sort of been auditing the class."}, {"x": "\"auditing\"?", "y": "well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but i don't think he speaks much english."}, {"x": "you know, half the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong.", "y": "uh, really? name one wrong thing."}, {"x": "\"robin scherbatsky's surprising erogenous zones\"? let me clear something up for you, ted.", "y": "does lefty like that?"}, {"x": "oh. yeah...", "y": "don't wanna leave out the righty."}, {"x": "oh, uh, no. um, the right one's ticklish, i guess. but the left one, yeah, i'm glad you're back there. because that is just some sweet, sweet lovin'.", "y": "noted."}, {"x": "what do you want?", "y": "look. all that stuff i told barney... it was personal between you and me. i'm really sorry."}, {"x": "i guess i'm impressed by how much you remembered.", "y": "it's funny. when you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. it's the emotional equivalent of an english degree. i guess i just liked the idea of putting all my robin scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?"}, {"x": "well, since you know me pretty well... am i fooling myself with this whole barney thing?", "y": "i don't know. i will say this, though. i've seen barney work very hard to get women. i've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. i've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. i was going to give him an a. well, b+ -- shin-ya kind of screwed up the curve."}, {"x": "because the people who wear them are constantly going, \"aw, geez, why can't i get laid?\"", "y": "you are wrong. the ladies dig the professor look."}, {"x": "so is it hard to grade papers?", "y": "no, you've just got to make it fun. for example, uh, every time i spot a grammatical error, i do a sh*t. i'm trashed right now, and i blame our public school system."}, {"x": "worst night ever.", "y": "hey, how was the big couples' night with marshall and lily?"}, {"x": "brutal.", "y": "really? how?"}, {"x": "and they kept shoving platters of food in our faces.", "y": "let me guess did marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese?"}, {"x": "yeah, how'd you know?", "y": "poor marshall., lily's this gourmet cook, and all she letsmarshall do ss pick out one sad block of cheese."}, {"x": "now, robin... you work in television. we're experiencing some technical difficulties. you get that? we're still laughing. right? laugh,marshall.", "y": "come on, they just got excited. they've been looking for couple best friends forever. plus, i'm sure they weren't that bad."}, {"x": "it was the best night ever laughter raining down like april showers oh, we talked for hours... best night ever...", "y": "oh, that's not good."}, {"x": "needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses.", "y": "i don't understand. if last night went so horribly, why do lily and marshall think it was such a hit?"}, {"x": "yeah, we'll call you.", "y": "they're your friends! why would you just blatantly lie to them like that?"}, {"x": "well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date.", "y": "right?"}, {"x": "who was that?", "y": "oh, i don't want to brag, but it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing. last night, she picked me up at the bar. and then... well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. but, hey, that happens."}, {"x": "uh, no, it doesn't.", "y": "sure, it does. you know, she was, she was just exhausted from being turned on. but you heard her. she wants to do it again, soon."}, {"x": "ted, let me ask you a question. where does this girl live, exactly?", "y": "westchester. why?"}, {"x": "oh, my god! you're right! he's totally the sexless innkeeper!", "y": "what the hell is \"the sexless innkeeper\"?"}, {"x": "ted, many a man--nay, many a soul--has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. why, i had run-in with one just last year. i even composed a poem about it. would you care to hear it?", "y": "not really."}, {"x": "t'was the night before new year's, and the weather grew mean. it was 300 in the morning, and i was stranded in queens. the tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim. the horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in...", "y": "wait. if this was last year, why are you acting like it was oliver twist?"}, {"x": "ted, it's a poem. last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. then i turned to my left and stifled a shriek. she had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. she gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. i muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.i asked, \"where do you live?\"and she said, \"one block south.\". i swallowed my pride and six sh*ts of whiskey. and prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky. back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did cr*ck. but when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. and thus she became the sexless innkeeper. and so are you", "y": "wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?"}, {"x": "ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. she saw the tweed jacket", "y": "no way."}, {"x": "you're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cr*cker!", "y": "guys, lily and marshall haven't been to the bar all week. they're taking this really hard."}, {"x": "ted, i could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? i mean, who's working the front desk?", "y": "seriously, they're your friends. you got to go apologize."}, {"x": "to your point, ted, as an innkeeper. do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? i mean, i mean, i mean, how much water is that actually saving?", "y": "robin, you know i'm right. ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. usually, it just makes it bigger."}, {"x": "you're right.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "all that sexlessness has made you wise.", "y": "for god's sake!"}, {"x": "after midnight? no way. we can't tabooty-call them, it's pathetic.", "y": "barney, are you wearing sweat pants?"}, {"x": "maybe. but they're armani.", "y": "okay, guys, i've got some bad news for you. so i'm just going to come out and say it. you're a couple. and no matter how hard you try to fight it, couples need other couples. that's why you miss marshall and lily. and can't you just admit that?"}, {"x": "come here, you two.", "y": "hey, barney. i got a little poem for you. you want to hear it?"}, {"x": "no, not really.", "y": "'twas the night before, i had hours to k*ll. i sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill."}, {"x": "with quill?", "y": "barney. it's a poem. a busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. her garb said \"classy,\" but her eyes whispered \"sin.\" she said, \"you're a teacher?\" i said, \"yes, indeed.\" \"i must have you,\" she moaned.\"i'm turned on by tweed.\" with haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. we fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. i unlaced her bodice. our passions grew deeper. and thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper."}, {"x": "what gazzola's?", "y": "a filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza located at 316 kinzie street, chicago, illinois."}, {"x": "back in college, ted and i used to take these crazy road trips from connecticut all the way to chicago just for gazzola's pizza.", "y": "22 hours. no map. we'd just jump in the fiero and drive. we were like lewis and clark, if lewis and clark peed in empty soda bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe."}, {"x": "man, those gazzola trips, that's... that's when we really became bros.", "y": "mm. we ate nothing but jerky."}, {"x": "oh, man, we went through a whole case of tantrum one trip.", "y": "i was color blind for two weeks after that."}, {"x": "i think that's the reason that i pass out when i hear church bells.", "y": "it's probably a good thing they're closing gazzola's. those trips were brutal, right? the long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell."}, {"x": "so what time are we leaving for gazzola's tomorrow?", "y": "i was thinking 900, 930."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "think about it."}, {"x": "we're doing great.", "y": "do you watch the jets game?"}, {"x": "we most certainly did.", "y": "how'd things go at the doctor?"}, {"x": "i broke his nose with a chair. and now, apparently, i may end up getting deported.", "y": "oh, my god, that sucks! yeah. i'm gonna go do push-ups in the kitchen. tantrum!"}, {"x": "ted! ted! check it out! i got black coffee on the left, i got tantrum on the right! do you have a phone book?!", "y": "yes, i do! i don't why they make phone books anymore. everything's online, right?"}, {"x": "tantrum!", "y": "tantrum!"}, {"x": "all right, let's hit the road.", "y": "you invited lily?"}, {"x": "i don't know if you caught that, but he did the \"we\" thing.", "y": "yeah, i heard him."}, {"x": "road trip! so you guys want to talk about b*tches? i'm kidding. they're called women.", "y": "all right, next stop chicago."}, {"x": "i have to pee.", "y": "couldn't you have gone before we left?"}, {"x": "ooh, punch buggy yellow!", "y": "ow!"}, {"x": "great. oh, hey, ted...", "y": "you can't have to go again. it's not humanly possible."}, {"x": "no, i was just going to say maybe we should listen to something.", "y": "oh, that's a great idea. i think i have some jerky boys."}, {"x": "lacrosse ball, volleyball...", "y": "oh, my god, lily, please tell me you have to go pee!"}, {"x": "well, don't worry, the next exit's the hotel. we can go there.", "y": "hotel?"}, {"x": "look who's back from the wishing well.", "y": "it didn't work, i'm still here. marshall, what are we doing? we should be on the road."}, {"x": "we'd love cornmeal body scrub!", "y": "whoa. i got to dial back on the tantrum."}, {"x": "shh.", "y": "sorry about what i said before. you want to go to the store and get some beer?"}, {"x": "dude, why are we pulling to the highway? ted, where exactly are we going to get this beer?", "y": "chicago."}, {"x": "what are you doing? we can't just leave lily. when she wakes up, she's going to freak!", "y": "she'll have a back rub and a crumpet. she'll be fine. relax. have some fun."}, {"x": "*and i would walk 500 miles. and i would walk 500 more...*", "y": "hey, you really think lily's pissed?"}, {"x": "if she's pissed, she's pissed.", "y": "pfft."}, {"x": "now, that's ridiculous. we're gonna get some coffee, in you, we'll sober you up, and get you back to new york for that test. but, before any of that, we're gonna do it on this bed 'cause... hotel room. okay, let's get some coffee.", "y": "kind of cross."}, {"x": "you're making me wonder if this pizza is worth the 22 hour drive.", "y": "just like old times!"}, {"x": "i feel so young again except for the chest pains.", "y": "but the crust is so good. what is the secret to this crust?"}, {"x": "we'd love a cornmeal body scrub!", "y": "i can't believe you guys are closing."}, {"x": "i don't want this anymore.", "y": "dude, don't look at it. that's a rookie mistake."}, {"x": "we shouldn't have left lily.", "y": "well, if you're so worried, why don't you give her a call?"}, {"x": "i have. i left her, like, 20 messages. i said, \"i'm sorry. please forgive me. it's all ted's fault!\"", "y": "what exactly is \"ted's fault\"?"}, {"x": "this! this whole thing! we were having a perfectly nice trip, and then you kidnapped me. you didn't even let me, put on underwear!", "y": "we never used to put on underwear! that was the fun of a bro's trip to gazzola's! we left everything, and everyone behind. it was just you and me! but now it's like you've disappeared into lily."}, {"x": "that is not true.", "y": "it is true. you're not upset because you're worried she's mad. you're upset because you'd rather be with her, eating muffins than here with me, eating this delicious... i think one of my mushrooms just crawled away."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, ted!", "y": "i'm sorry! no, i'm sorry. i never should have been mad at you!"}, {"x": "no, i never should have brought lily. she pees all the time, even at the apartment. still bros?", "y": "best bros. hey, you want to crank some van halen just like old times?"}, {"x": "hells, yeah!", "y": "or listen to the sparky book again?"}, {"x": "listen to the sparky book again.", "y": "okay. let's listen to it again."}, {"x": "god, my stomach! damn you, gazzola's!", "y": "it's like a hot ball of lead!"}, {"x": "i hate to be the one to tell you. marshall and lily get divorced.", "y": "not at all."}, {"x": "she makes her dishes right away, ted. i give them two or three weeks maximum.", "y": "there is nothing serious. and certainly nothing serious enough that you hold my hand."}, {"x": "they have a big problem.", "y": "i see what happens. you, my friend, you suffer from a disease little known... \"little known\" because i just invented it... called adequacy of new relationship. robin, you are in your honeymoon stage. everything is perfect. the songs on the radio talking about you. other couples are concerned. enjoy it. the snr does not last forever."}, {"x": "if, when you're great like me. listen to this. robin taking into account the number of beds in which we did. one is 83 and a half.", "y": "and a half?"}, {"x": "big tiger. you holding up? want a hug? you mean yesterday? you're safe here.", "y": "according to barney, lily asking you to do your own dishes right away is a sign that your marriage falls apart."}, {"x": "you argue. robin, we do not fight.", "y": "of course i do."}, {"x": "no. and here's the secret, every time we say we're going to argue...", "y": "so when you think you will play and you get up you go?"}, {"x": "it works in 100% of cases. no fighting if you're not there.this is what gandhi said.", "y": "this is not true."}, {"x": "you're leaving. robin begins to coat. i never heard anything so stupid.", "y": "well, the thing naked is not bad. it was weird."}, {"x": "call me crazy.", "y": "mad."}, {"x": "of course not.", "y": "are you kidding me."}, {"x": "you're right. i'll do the dishes. just after doing this.", "y": "you b*at him or i do it?"}, {"x": "he's right.", "y": "no. marshall, look at me. do not go into the circus of barney stinson, the house of mirrors and illogical logic. you got ear pierced like that in 2003."}, {"x": "it was cool, huh?", "y": "stay with me! barney is wrong."}, {"x": "no, not at all. i hate doing the dishes right away.", "y": "you just said the opposite!"}, {"x": "you're welcome.", "y": "okay. there you are. you're gonna tell me the truth. barney said that you did ever played."}, {"x": "i told you.", "y": "impossible. i love you both but you're the two biggest emotional disabilities in the history of relations. you had to play at least once."}, {"x": "you know what? it's true. we tried to find out which of us was most great. but it said draw and we made love. speaking of that, i am delighted that we go skiing this weekend. i need a break. the upstairs neighbors make me crazy.", "y": "yeah, it's ugly. i'll go talk to them."}, {"x": "super. here are your tasks for the weekend. ted, you're gonna go see the neighbors. marshall, you go see lily. robin and i need you for a crouched position on an animal skin in our chalet. ready? break!", "y": "have fun."}, {"x": "barney... with his madness, his theory goes well thought might work.", "y": "i will repeat once. this is a bad idea."}, {"x": "will it work.", "y": "a second time. this is a bad idea."}, {"x": "barney argued logically. lily is a reasonable woman. i think if i explain, understand and can go in my opinion.", "y": "no. she will be angry and you will play."}, {"x": "it is a slap bet?", "y": "we bet a slap."}, {"x": "lily, i am delighted that you mention.", "y": "how was the trip?"}, {"x": "we spent the weekend hugging the fireside. no black diamonds, nothing but red hearts. i'll unpack my bags.", "y": "what has happened between you? when did you become disgusting?"}, {"x": "it's not great to finally see blossomed emotionally, spiritually and sexually?", "y": "we all came out a year."}, {"x": "he's right.", "y": "barney's stupid ideas you have put into this mess. there is no escaping it. make this stupid dishwasher."}, {"x": "hey, ro-ro.", "y": "you're cute nicknames? seriously. what happens to you both?"}, {"x": "as gandhi said, \"a smile costs nothing, baby.\"", "y": "i'm not sure that you know who gandhi is."}, {"x": "so you talked to the neighbors?", "y": "yeah, yeah, i did. i went up ready to put them back."}, {"x": "some old?", "y": "really old."}, {"x": "so you did what?", "y": "i did not have the strength to tell them to stop, because, good for them. so i told them you want to welcome, ate a hard caramel, acquiesced to some r*cist comments and i left."}, {"x": "i do not know what to do. we never had to fight so long. it's as if i no longer existed. sunday morning, she made a pancake, ted. a pancake and a slice of bacon.", "y": "it's your fault. you took advice in love with barney."}, {"x": "well, maybe barney was all inclusive. he and ro-ro are the best pair now. with lily it was dethroned.", "y": "you know, i do not believe all this stuff cute and adorable, it's not them. and i know for a fact that robin hates nicknames."}, {"x": "i do not like nicknames.", "y": "you're finished with the sports page, sherbs?"}, {"x": "seriously, stop.", "y": "it's t-mose."}, {"x": "apparently, she loves them now. and... come on, someone had to stop t-mose.", "y": "t-mose was great. i think of the show."}, {"x": "the bagpipe seems different today. there was an echo.", "y": "they're probably playing the bagpipes on the shower chair."}, {"x": "you and your big, huge heart.", "y": "enough. the game is over."}, {"x": "who, him?", "y": "it's going to come. you see, i knew it was wrong. you two were too happy, too radiant, too \"surnomants\". it was not right.never disputes? crap. you argue all... the... time."}, {"x": "how would you know that?", "y": "phil told me."}, {"x": "who the hell is phil?", "y": "your downstairs neighbor."}, {"x": "i'm phil. 12-b.", "y": "and it has everything... heard. so phil told me that ro-ro and barnstormer argue... a lot. explanations?"}, {"x": "barney for the millionth time...", "y": "i knew it! i knew you were too cute and perfect!"}, {"x": "it was nice to be the ideal couple for one minute.", "y": "i knew you were lying. get up early for the feint-t mose."}, {"x": "come on. open it. it's p*rn collection! just kidding. it would be weird.", "y": "it's your p*rn collection."}, {"x": "he speaks to p*rn.", "y": "hi, robin. a more."}, {"x": "you can get rid of it.", "y": "no, it's not a problem. i'll do it."}, {"x": "i read six of the words you just said about this jacket.", "y": "seriously, this is nothing. i'm on it."}, {"x": "because...", "y": "let them! in a sense, it's sad, right? barney who abandons his p*rn. he has love handles. they eat the same thing every night. we are witnessing the end of barney stinson as we know it."}, {"x": "yeah. it's called tail-dalle.", "y": "archisexture. that's not how you write \"buckminster fuller.\""}, {"x": "we're sure he had done?", "y": "there is no reason to take it seriously, though?"}, {"x": "it was legen... wait... the autumn. legends of the fall!it was fun.", "y": "i spotted this girl there, and i will need help to land the plane."}, {"x": "more hungry...", "y": "they k*ll."}, {"x": "they love each other.", "y": "barney and robin are in love, but they are more barney and robin. they are big and old."}, {"x": "my favorite cop show.", "y": "this is obvious. barney eats too much because he hates to lose his freedom. robin and stress because she hates what has become barney."}, {"x": "they are perfect together.", "y": "it might be the problem. they are too similar. it's hard to have two dominant in a relationship."}, {"x": "if they are not happy, why not break?", "y": "they are too stubborn. neither wants to be the first to admit he no longer wants. they play at first that deflates."}, {"x": "it's true... i had a friend astronaut, totally in love with his fiancee. on the eve of her mission, she surprised him with four other girls and two guys. it has become intense. she ended up sneaking into the space shuttle...", "y": "talk about space orgy?"}, {"x": "we must break them. you're right. barney and robin are unhappy together but they are too stubborn to admit it. we must make the break.", "y": "what next?"}, {"x": "i swear, i gave up these sh*ts there. i became legit. i am now matchmaker.", "y": "find me someone."}, {"x": "i know, but i learned the lesson. i no longer interferes. i let things.", "y": "it's two against one."}, {"x": "but the one that's me.", "y": "no need for it. we can do it alone."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "when i was with robin, you remember the only thing that made pinball?"}, {"x": "you do not have the right to do this to me.", "y": "what are you talking?"}, {"x": "from this! that's what i mean. how does it feel in my champagne?", "y": "if robin thinks for one second that barney wants to marry her, she petera a lead and they will break."}, {"x": "a surveillance van.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it should take one. we have ordered pizza, watched through binoculars and said, \"that's not why i signed,\" or stuff like that.", "y": "the server arrives."}, {"x": "i never make fun of an old lady paralyzed vocal cord...", "y": "i've found. i have found. they maile images reminding those fights."}, {"x": "poor kid. this is how it will happen. they are the restau... first, it rekindles debate us-canada, when alan thicke, a native of ontario, going to their table.", "y": "alan thicke?"}, {"x": "they are always in contact. i had his number on the mobile robin. seriously... amateurs. so, alan thicke stimulus battle usa / canada. just then, meg-the-crazy happens. then, a stormtrooper happening in the street.and just when they are tired, a diver passes with a basin full of what? dirty dishes.", "y": "this is your masterpiece."}, {"x": "a break? really? you have rented a station wagon?", "y": "a van costs $ 25 more."}, {"x": "get in the car.", "y": "what is that thing?"}, {"x": "they did not stormtrooper so i had to take another robot. it will work also.", "y": "another robot? the stormtroopers are not robots."}, {"x": "of course they are robots! \"must k*ll luke skywalker\"", "y": "no one said this in star wars."}, {"x": "someone ordered an extra large sausage?", "y": "a film of barney begins like that."}, {"x": "i do not know if everything will be back.", "y": "now you mention the movie."}, {"x": "you dont need a van?", "y": "a van is more expensive."}, {"x": "pass me a slice, will robinson!", "y": "if you work the costume, they will pay us."}, {"x": "thank you!", "y": "$ 25!"}, {"x": "someone should take this sausage!", "y": "you were in this video? the guy with the tan of a farmer?"}, {"x": "this is my masterpiece. and then they saw us? it will work anyway.", "y": "come on. we find something else."}, {"x": "they kiss? they should not! why it does not work?", "y": "because they love."}, {"x": "maqacenjar?", "y": "wait, i can find. with mothers who i'd like sunset and never forgot."}, {"x": "i do not see how it could not walk.", "y": "what the lorenzo von matterhorn?"}, {"x": "my book? buddy... in two volumes, right here.", "y": "a great book."}, {"x": "so, i have told you, i take a break on that side.", "y": "it's going to happen."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you'll fall in love."}, {"x": "it's unlikely, i focus on my career, finished the rencards.", "y": "we play pyramid. what people are saying just before meeting the love."}, {"x": "it's good but...", "y": "travis frenchroy, replacing bartender told me... \"i'm done with all these rencards. i want to concentrate on my fan fiction of star trek. \"six months later... married!"}, {"x": "matthew blitz, accounting job, said... \"i will die alone.to focus as much on taxes this year. \"six months later? pacs and plans to marry pending the enactment of the act currently in the senate from new york!", "y": "it happens, whatever you say. it is a law of nature."}, {"x": "judged. by nature.", "y": "trust me. i would not get interested in relationships. i would not be single if i wanted to be single."}, {"x": "okay. are you ready?", "y": "ready for what?"}, {"x": "three years ago, shelly started working at my school.when i saw her, i said, \"it's perfect for ted.\"", "y": "why do not you talk to me now?"}, {"x": "this girl is super nice with lily!", "y": "yeah she was pretty."}, {"x": "i will fix it but promise me not to do anything stupid.", "y": "i promise to do anything stupid."}, {"x": "do you believe? he says it's my fault. and by the way, ted, i bet she go out with you again.", "y": "i'm thinking. do i want to date a girl that barney was typed?help me for harmonies. of course."}, {"x": "i'll fetch the newspaper.", "y": "or rather, look for a husband."}, {"x": "you must stop, seriously. the last thing i'm looking for now is a relationship.", "y": "taking the newspaper, think to watch the ads for marriages.for yours."}, {"x": "sorry to interrupt but check it out.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "and what happens after it?", "y": "he starts singing and objects come alive and dance with him."}, {"x": "a few hours later...", "y": "apparently, it will rain."}, {"x": "she is getting married.", "y": "i will prepare my toast."}, {"x": "it's a good guy.", "y": "come on, go out with him."}, {"x": "it says what?", "y": "it's the diver."}, {"x": "i will not fall in love with him.", "y": "yes, because it is... this kind."}, {"x": "you have brought back an old turkey replacement.why i have not listened to the message of former mayor ed koch saying not to forget my business.", "y": "with robin we went to the objects found in the prefecture and there, sitting in their fridge... is this your turkey?"}, {"x": "i do not know what to say. it's thanksgiving, but \"thank you\" does not seem enough.", "y": "you have done the same for us."}, {"x": "wait. what?", "y": "you're saying..."}, {"x": "i hope lily is well.", "y": "me too. she speaks little, but that thing with his father gave him much trouble."}, {"x": "tell me which of you is going to slap me!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "so we can give pieces of chicken not cooked.", "y": "seriously robin, you should have the slap. you're a big baffeuse. in fact, i want to study the slaps in your tutoring. i wanna be your apprentice-slap."}, {"x": "this is t*rture. put me in the chair...", "y": "the throne of baffe."}, {"x": "it's all yours.", "y": "no. to you, i insist."}, {"x": "okay, i will.", "y": "great. wait, what?"}, {"x": "i say i'll slap.", "y": "what, so it's... the end of the discussion?"}, {"x": "you said i could slap.", "y": "i was polite. if someone will slap, it will be me."}, {"x": "we have one hour before sunset, and none of us baffera barney.", "y": "let me do it. it was my idea to call the objects found in the prefecture."}, {"x": "philosophical riddle. idea against execution. itemize your arguments.", "y": "i brought this large turkey so far."}, {"x": "i paid the taxi.", "y": "you've slept with one of my best friends!"}, {"x": "what? you said it was fine.", "y": "well, no!"}, {"x": "why did not you say anything?", "y": "because i love you always!"}, {"x": "you really want to slap barney the point of lying and pretending to be in love with me?", "y": "i really want to slap!"}, {"x": "repeat-a. the first seven!", "y": "robin sh*t! i knew barney first. this is for me to slap."}, {"x": "this slap is mine, mosby. i never slap barney... above the belt.", "y": "i want to slap barney since i met him!"}, {"x": "and i would not slap?", "y": "one second. this slap was supposed to be a wonderful thing, a gift, and it has turned against each other."}, {"x": "my god, you're right. this fruit has changed in immaculate slap-poisoned apple. you know what? seriously, do it.", "y": "are you sure?"}, {"x": "ted, gall bladder about to fart.", "y": "it's decided. barney, go. come on the throne."}, {"x": "you're gonna...", "y": "yep. go."}, {"x": "i guess this is the best choice, robin. finally... the men are stronger than women.", "y": "do not listen. it's decided."}, {"x": "leads to me!", "y": "robin! pull yourself together! what just happened?"}, {"x": "what is it? it does what?", "y": "you have swallowed this painting?"}, {"x": "it's gonna be ted.", "y": "what? why me?"}, {"x": "last year you were abandoned at the altar. you lost your job. you did so along way. i am so proud of you, ted. you deserve to slap someone in the face as hard as you can.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "this is the worst.", "y": "you just go through a break... and even though i know that you and barney are remained on good terms, there is not a part of you, well hidden that wants to slap in the face?"}, {"x": "yes", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "i can not do it. i can not take that away from you, ted.", "y": "i do not either."}, {"x": "what's there in the box? what there was in the boiiite?what there was in the boiiiiiite?! what there was in the boiiiiiiite?! not bad eh? nothing. i'm the idiot huh? what there was in the box?", "y": "since lily and marshall have their apartment, her mother keeps sending him old things she wants to get rid."}, {"x": "well done 'man, right on target this time. i really needed the right arm of himan, and this old book of mad libs.pet went to fart to fart loud. this is good. thank you 'man.", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "ted mosby?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "the window is open.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "the window is open.", "y": "the window is open."}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "hey, maggie. i was just, you know, hmm... how are you?"}, {"x": "i think i'm fine. actually no, i'm not well. i just broke up with my boyfriend.", "y": "oh, sorry for you. wanna go out tonight?"}, {"x": "come on, tell me that happened to you on time?", "y": "i arrived!"}, {"x": "what's happening? what is this window?", "y": "you see how everyone knows a person, and whatever happens, this person is perfect for you."}, {"x": "that girl over there.", "y": "well this girl was and still is maggie wilks."}, {"x": "oh i know what we do here. tell me when it stops.", "y": "it was not the fact that maggie was good. it was the..."}, {"x": "it was the perfect girl next door.", "y": "it was the perfect girl next door. and still is. all the guys who meet maggie fall madly in love with her. and that's the problem. since i know her, she has been single for only three short windows of time."}, {"x": "i went out with this guy.", "y": "ok, game plan maggie arrives, a few minutes of gathering and presentation, and everyone leaves us. this is my only chance, and i will not go wrong."}, {"x": "you do not give a lecture tonight?", "y": "damn!"}, {"x": "oh my god, good evening.", "y": "i want you to maggie robin, my roommate."}, {"x": "likewise.", "y": "i completely forgot, i teach a class tonight. how would you like to come and see what happens during an architecture?"}, {"x": "ooh, not even a little. i'll stick with marshall and lily, that's fine.", "y": "super. sit down, put yourself at ease. relaxed, everything is relaxed. listen, you want me to find the perfect girl for you so all together, it's her. do not let a guy to approach her. no server to take our order, clean the table, and if it ignites, i want a female firefighter to extinguish."}, {"x": "i think that emergencies are taking applications like that.", "y": "marshall good god, do what you need to keep single until my return. i pay the bill, but do not abuse."}, {"x": "oh it does not tell you goodnight, he tells you how he feeds his horses. i could sit there and tell jokes farmer on you all night. challenge accepted.", "y": "good evening, tonight we will quickly see the different bridges. there are 6 types of bridges, small, large, with suspension and three others. you land on each side and water in the middle. see you next week."}, {"x": "it was a course of 1 hour.", "y": "who wants to hear me talk about bridges for 1 hour? really?"}, {"x": "what do i do?", "y": "one important thing to remember when designing a bridge."}, {"x": "maggie?", "y": "no. finally yes. when you design a bridge remember \"make adjustments... fetch energetically\" good advice in general too."}, {"x": "professor mosby, maggie is someone special?", "y": "no, i mean it's just that girl that interests me very long time.and tonight this is my chance to get away with it."}, {"x": "it's good?", "y": "yes jamie, she is very pretty. we can now finish the course. betty?"}, {"x": "maggie is finally free, but you professor, are you ready for a serious relationship?", "y": "bluntly. i think. perhaps. i dunno, you think what?"}, {"x": "oh no, i think he'll resign. sorry maggie, i have to go stop him. ted i had to leave the bar but it's good she is with robin.", "y": "you're left with maggie robin?"}, {"x": "relax, everything is under control.", "y": "you do not understand, this girl is like a magnet to men... overkill."}, {"x": "oh, well... hello you!", "y": "what does mean to be ready? i thought i was ready last year and i was left on the altar. i'll be honest. i'm scared! ok, luis and betty!"}, {"x": "do not be afraid you did not know that it's something important?", "y": "i mean, if you're not afraid you do not try your luck... and if you do not try your luck then... what are you doing? not?"}, {"x": "i'd love to!", "y": "ok, i gotta go!"}, {"x": "... g.g.i.e!", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "ted, change of plans!", "y": "you let him with barney?"}, {"x": "ted, will you calm down? i'm your pal!", "y": "you're an animal!"}, {"x": "you have 10 minutes to get here, the window closes.", "y": "10 minutes?"}, {"x": "i just touches the bottom of the net. you know my legs are so bad that i have a hard time getting approved.", "y": "how could you?"}, {"x": "thank god! maggie! i love that girl.", "y": "put yourself on the line bob!"}, {"x": "i'm in love with her for 5 years!", "y": "i'm in love with her for 12 years!"}, {"x": "sure baby.", "y": "guys, guys, guys! we must fix that."}, {"x": "guys, let me assure you that if you let me... the window will reopen in about 10 minutes.", "y": "wait, where is maggie?"}, {"x": "she's gone!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "what enfoir\u00e9e!", "y": "wait, she's right. maggie deserves a little time for her.nobody likes to be alone, especially after a break but... this is where we discover who we really are... and what you really want. she deserves it!"}, {"x": "i think you have much to catch up.", "y": "yeah, sure!"}, {"x": "well, i found! there are bars country, \"the giddy ups\", there are tons of guys in overalls. copilot me!", "y": "i do not want the \"giddy ups.\" that's what i want. i had forgotten how it felt to seeking the real thing... but i think i'm ready again."}, {"x": "have you seen my show?", "y": "i wanted to watch it but i was too busy sleeping with this story. it took me all night, after 8 hours of the clock."}, {"x": "i'm don, your new co-presenter.", "y": "wow, you're going you do too."}, {"x": "no, i just think it will be great both on the air.", "y": "and on the couch, the bed and on the coffee table."}, {"x": "ok, ok, i'll go on the roof and stay there all alone 5 minutes.", "y": "have fun."}, {"x": "i just let something like that to my apartment.", "y": "robin, going, going on the roof! we said no smoking in the apartment... after that you have set fire by the pumps."}, {"x": "last cigarette of my life.", "y": "what are you doing, you have not smoked in 6 months. is it about \"macgrib\"? it closed guy, forget it."}, {"x": "i'm worried about work, ok? they just hired a new chief legal department... and it will turn people.", "y": "so that's why you're worried?"}, {"x": "the new head of legal department is hobes arthur.", "y": "is arthur a*tillery? your former leader."}, {"x": "the film gary taker, right?", "y": "wow, he not remember you."}, {"x": "it turned 'what is his head? \"ted! and \"what's his head? \"was priceless.", "y": "look, i understand you to be upset but this is not a reason to k*ll you."}, {"x": "look, it's just two cigarettes. ok, i can collect 2. as it is not 3 within 24hrs i replongerai yet.", "y": "what will lily say when you learn that you smoked?"}, {"x": "you have film crews?", "y": "i can not believe they're smoking outside, it's really cold."}, {"x": "do you remember when you could smoke in bars?", "y": "i think there's a pretty girl smiling at me there."}, {"x": "hey, this is a chair, but go ahead and drag it.", "y": "guys?"}, {"x": "polo!", "y": "our group is divided into smokers and nonsmokers, and it's great."}, {"x": "i'm not a smoker. i do not smoke on certain occasions.after sex, when i'm with german, sometimes both at the same time. during sex, for birthdays, to annoy my mother, just before sex, on a sailboat. the day the mentor mc mailly eliminated each year, and of course... wait, because god knows it's true fear of pregnancy.", "y": "and why you smoke there?"}, {"x": "my god, i hope that arthur is well. i reserve her office in case.", "y": "we must stop smoking."}, {"x": "me too.", "y": "ok it's good, we stop."}, {"x": "fantastic, i was fed up that you piquiez me my smokes constantly.", "y": "robin, we must do together."}, {"x": "give a cigarette!", "y": "damn robin, think about it a moment, blue bug is the mayor anti cigarette. you really want to go to the interview smelling cigarettes? it's like interviewing a feeling the vegetarian steak."}, {"x": "really, it's hard enough like that?", "y": "you stop! it all stops."}, {"x": "ok, i stop.", "y": "we should just spend the first 24 hours after a piece of cake."}, {"x": "i do not bite my nails, i try to suck the rest of nicotine on my fingers.", "y": "marshall pass me your plate."}, {"x": "what do cigarettes now? you believe they think of us?", "y": "dude, if you do not stop moving your feet, i'll tear it off."}, {"x": "oh ted, i'm sorry, maybe i should move closer to your ass!", "y": "ok we'll do it now!"}, {"x": "oh guys.", "y": "you do not have to do that, you do not need to smoke."}, {"x": "she did!", "y": "good for her."}, {"x": "we believe in it all.", "y": "well look, the sun rises."}, {"x": "the last three.", "y": "a..."}, {"x": "for me, this is your name.", "y": "gentlemen, i am a professor at this university and you are minor, so it is my duty to confiscate it, and that, and... the cooler?you know what, boomer? you can keep it."}, {"x": "each week, a guy in a fraternity invites me to a party and i said \"i am preparing my phd and i write a thesis which is entitled foreign direct investment and intergenerational ties of consumption behavior. \"", "y": "and they will respond?"}, {"x": "\"it's sexy. \"", "y": "actually, it's really sexy."}, {"x": "i took you for an idiot. but a very cute idiot.", "y": "you go out with idiots cute?"}, {"x": "almost all the time.", "y": "she wants to do a doctorate, she reads the philosophy for fun, she finished the crossword in the sunday new york times."}, {"x": "ted, i am happy for you. sorry, not for you, not to be you.", "y": "to summarize, i have a date tonight. thank you, new york! i try not to screw up."}, {"x": "it's not so sexy.", "y": "would you jealous of the attention? imagined would be the sexiest girl in the bar?"}, {"x": "i do not know a heu. it's half vodka and half-bar of yourself then?", "y": "how are you?"}, {"x": "okay. between.", "y": "it's cute."}, {"x": "actually, this is my roommate.", "y": "sorry, i should not play with the affairs of your roommate.she look like?"}, {"x": "that is a whore. i think this is a dominatrix.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "okay, sorry, this is not true. i have a roommate complex.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "the guys always fall in love with her.", "y": "look at me. i promise, i would not fall in love with your roommate."}, {"x": "another weird thing on my roommate she paints robots who play sports.", "y": "it's strange."}, {"x": "and she has this weird habit of blackmailing his breakf.", "y": "it's weird."}, {"x": "sorry. it is not so bad. i'm just a little jealous.", "y": "i do not know why. you're great."}, {"x": "so, your date with cindy?", "y": "well, last night, it was nice today, less."}, {"x": "i discovered that the settlement on all outgoing students and teachers are very strict. i could lose my scholarship.", "y": "it's not like if you followed my progress. it is not even in the same department."}, {"x": "sorry, but i can not take that risk.", "y": "she exaggerates, there, right?"}, {"x": "i think you should leave it, buddy.", "y": "okay, i start again. she exaggerates, there, right?"}, {"x": "no. my costume gave his life for this cause, and i do not should rest before these two... well, it... finally,... be it mine.", "y": "there is absolutely right."}, {"x": "who, the guy who kisses an urn full of ashes costume. this guy?", "y": "what if cindy is the woman i am to marry, and i give up?farewell, elegant but cozy house in westchester, with a reasonable loan that i can pay without ruining me. goodbye, the two children raised in a strict but loving hand, finding the perfect balance between the father and friend. adios, triplets schnauzers, frank lloyd wright and. the fact is, i do not give up either! i do not know why i did that."}, {"x": "i was someone there, behind! everybody loved me.", "y": "can we talk?"}, {"x": "my roommate is going out of the shower. come into my room.", "y": "i know the law prohibits us from going out together. but he also says \"do not teach in having drunk\" and i do it all the time.the fact is... i really appreciate you. you're cute, funny. you write a thesis which is entitled, foreign direct investment and intergenerational ties of consumption behavior. it's too sexy! i know it sounds crazy, but... i feel that our paths are supposed to meet, and... i do not want to miss meeting you."}, {"x": "i do not want it, me either.", "y": "i gotta tell you, just by looking at your room, i know we have much in common."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "the unicorns? who will cut our hair when we're gone? i thought i was the only one with this album."}, {"x": "this is my roommate. i borrowed.", "y": "and that? after world t.c boyle?"}, {"x": "birthday present... my roommate. i did not read it yet.", "y": "you should. it is really good. and that? it is the height. you play the bass? seriously, ask my friends. i have always said that my perfect woman... does not play bass, because that is clearly that of your roommate."}]