 The DSM-5 diagnostic criteria are so poorly written, vague and subjective that we all qualify for a variety of mental diagnoses, depending on the spin we use to describe our situation - or the spin in the mind of the one doing the diagnosis. In fact, many doctors absolutely qualify. Let's take a look at the official DSM-5 criteria for schizophrenia. There are five. You must have at least two of the five to qualify. At least one of the two must be among the first three. Symptoms must be experienced for at least a month before an official diagnosis can be secured. That's they way this game show works. This isn't a problem, as many doctors qualify on any given day. Here are the five stars of schizophrenia: 1. Delusions According to the DSM-5, a delusion is a false belief based on an incorrect inference about external reality that is held firmly in spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. .. For example: The delusion that medication with disastrous side effects improves your health. The delusion that patients can be well served in 10 minutes or less. The delusion the doctor is under when he says. 'It's all in your head.' Or the one that doctors are God. 2. Hallucinations According to the DSM-5, a hallucination is a perception-like experience with the clarity and impact of a true perception... A doctor's primary hallucination is the patient. He thinks he is perceiving a patient with a set of symptoms. Then, he sees those symptoms in his mind and wants to attack them. What is actually in front of him is a person - a whole person with a life of his or her own, complete with a personal history, wants and dreams, emotions and relationships. The doc misses this reality in favor of his hallucinated patient and set of symptoms. 3. Disorganized speech or incoherence Ever heard a doc try to explain what is going on inside your body? You might blame your lack of understanding on a lack education in medical matters.The truth is, you are intelligent enough to understand your body. The doctor's incoherence comes from inept communication skills. 4. Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior I'd call cutting off the wrong leg disorganized behavior. Docs are notorious for doing this, as well as removing the wrong organs and treating the wrong person for the right disease.When teams of docs work together, the lack of organization and incoherence is compounded to life threatening levels. 5. Negative symptoms, such as diminished emotional expression Diminished emotional expression? I don't even need to explain this one. A summarized line from the movie Patch Adams: We are going to train the humanity right out of you and turn you into something better. You are going to become doctors! Doctors: If this articles offends you, then your resistance may be evidence that you are in denial of your mental illness. I suggest you see a psychiatrist and get on meds. The anti-psychotics will make you gain 300 pounds and walk around like a zombie. Just remember, though, the medicine is here for a reason. If you like this article, then like my Facebook Page to keep up with all my writing. About the author: Watch the free video The AHA! Process: An End to Self-Sabotage and discover the lost keys to personal transformation and emotional well-being that have been suppressed by mainstream mental health for decades. The information in this video has been called the missing link in mental health and personal development. In a world full of shallow, quick-fix techniques, second rate psychology and pharmaceutical takeovers, real solutions have become nearly impossible to find. Click here to watch the presentation that will turn your world upside down. Mike Bundrant is co-founder of the iNLP Center and host of Mental Health Exposed , a selfnews Radio program. Follow Mike on Facebook for daily personal development tips. 