 Today, former Senator Rick Santorum issued the following letter to the American people. Dear American People: When I think about government-mandated health care, I have the same response that any mature adult would have: it makes me want to throw up. Thats why, on my first day as President, I will repeal Obamacare. Well, actually, on my very first day Im going to repeal the Renaissance. And also the theory of evolution. But I will definitely get rid of Obamacare by Day Three, Four at the latest. You see, Obamacare runs counter to my well-documented position on personal freedom: I believe in the rights of the unborn child, until its born and wants a checkup. What will take the place of Obamacare? As your President, I will institute Santorumcare, a health-care plan that will cover absolutely no medical procedures whatsoever except one: exorcism. For many years, possession by the devil has been Americas No. 1 health problem, far more serious than those posed by cigarette manufacturers who have funneled millions to my PACs. You dont have to take Rick Santorums word for it that America is in the grips of a devil-possession epidemic: just watch any episode of Jersey Shore. Youre probably saying to yourself, Government-mandated exorcisms are a great idea, Rick. But how will we find the devil babies to exorcise? Good question, and I have a good answer: on my first day as President, I will order mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds for every woman in America. These ultrasounds will be a prerequisite to getting a drivers license at the D.M.V., where theres plenty of downtime for such a procedure. Additionally, they can be easily and safely performed by T.S.A. employees on the airport security line. If an ultrasound turns up any telltale signs of a devil baby (e.g., horns or tail) well schedule the woman for her government-mandated exorcism there and then. I hope after reviewing Santorumcare, youll agree that its the best health-care plan out there for you and your family. But just in case youre not sold yet, maybe this will seal the deal: leeches are a hundred per cent covered. Vote for me, Rick 