After eleven years of writing nothing but fake news at the selfnews, I have to tell you something that actually happened. Im excited to announce that The New Yorker has acquired the selfnews. Starting today, the column will be moving to its new home at newyorker.com. Longtime selfnews readers might ask: how will moving to The New Yorker, known for its excruciating fact-checking, change the selfnews, which is composed entirely of lies? The answer: not at all. The selfnews will be as inaccurate as always, and if I ever write something that turns out to be true you have my deepest apology and my promise that it wont happen again. Another question: what will happen to the selfnewss editorial independence? No worries on that score, either. David Remnick, the editor of The New Yorker, has assured me that I can write whatever I want as long as I dont make fun of Malcolm Gladwell. And now, if youll forgive me, Id like to say one last thing thats true. My mom, Helen Borowitz, who died this month at the age of eighty-three, loved The New Yorker all her life and introduced me to it when I was a little boy. Seeing the selfnews at The New Yorker would have made her so happy. I dedicate all my columns to her memory. 