Dear American, For the past few weeks Ive been under constant attack. My opponents would have you believe that if Im elected, youll be stripped of your Social Security benefits and will be scrounging for food in dumpsters with all the desperation of a feral cat. Of course, thats true. But what they dont tell you is what Id replace Social Security with: an amazing new program I like to call Perrycare. Under Perrycare, youll receive all the food, clothing and shelter you need, and it wont cost a dime in taxes. How is that possible? Simple: youll be praying for all those things. As a Perrycare recipient, each week youll receive in your e-mail box a Perrycare PrayerMail, giving you an easy-to-recite prayer for the bread, milk, cat food, or whatever else you need to survive. Its like a Groupon from God. Perrycare is more than a replacement for that infernal Ponzi scheme that has bamboozled Americans with regular monthly checks for seventy-five years. It is part of my larger plan to return prayer to its rightful place in American life. I get down on my knees every night and I promise you, if I am elected your President, I will bring this entire country to its knees. I expect that some of my opponents will laugh at my plan, especially that lawn gnome Ron Paul and Michele (Crazy Eyes) Bachmann. Fine, let them laugh! Laughter is the best medicine. And if I am elected, there will be no other medicine. That brings me to my Perrycare medical plan, which will replace Medicare once I consign that Ponzi scheme to the electric chair of history. I dont have enough time to go into the whole plan right now, but here it is in two words: single prayer. Your next President, Governor Rick Perry 