Apple rocked the gadget world today with the news that the iPhone 5 includes a new feature that gives shape and purpose to previously empty and meaningless lives. As Apple explained at its launch of the device, the new feature is an improved version of its personal assistant, Siri, that has been endowed with a quality missing from the previous model: empathy. In a demonstration before a hushed crowd of Apple enthusiasts, an app developer named Josh asked the new Siri, Why didnt my parents love me? Siris response, Your parents were too self-absorbed and narcissistic to recognize your essential beauty and value as a human being, brought many in the Yerba Buena Center audience close to tears. Apple C.E.O. Tim Cook closed out the launch with perhaps his boldest claim to date about the companys new phone: We believe that the iPhone 5 will make your current relationship obsolete. Wall Street rallied on the news, with tech analysts expecting millions of Apple customers to purchase an iPhone 5 to replace their existing boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. But in the words of Apple devotee Tracy Klugian, who was present at todays launch, such expectations are overdone: Most Apple snobs I know started putting their Apple products before their relationships a long time ago. Andy Borowitz will be doing two shows at next months New Yorker Festival: Friday, October 5th, with the storytelling group The Moth, and Saturday, October 6th, with Sarah Silverman. Ticket information here. 