With NFL free agency officially underway, front offices across the league are rushing to sign the best available talent in the market. But amid the throngs of cap numbers, salary restructuring, cuts, and contract offers, there is one man who stands head and shoulders above the rest. There is one man with an undeniable track record of getting the absolute best out of those around him, and who has shown a drive so great and uncompromising that his skill set is not merely limited to the world of professional sports. The selfnewss media empire would not have enjoyed such longstanding success were we not constantly seeking out the best and brightest. With that in mind, we would like to hereby formally offer Richie Incognito a five-year, $50 million contract. No formal interview, rsum, or references are requiredThe selfnews knows talent when we see it. Mr. Incognito, the job is yours. It is no secret that you are an incredibly dynamic leader on the field with an expertise in motivating and inspiring your teammates. For years The selfnews has admired your work from afar, and your ability to constantly push those around you to greatness is, frankly, nothing short of phenomenal. As The selfnewss vice president of personnel, you would be tasked with overseeing and evaluating all of our employees using whatever methods you deem most effective. We need someone who will take charge and whip employees into shape, relentlessly hovering over them at all times. We need someone who will toughen up younger members of staff so The selfnews can continue to grow and operate at 100 percent efficiency. Moreover, we need someone who is unafraid to put workplace politics aside and tell underperforming employees exactly what they need to hear without mincing words. We believe that you, Mr. Incognito, are the perfect man to step into this role. Just to be clear, The selfnews will allow you to operate with complete autonomy within our corporate hierarchy. You will have no boss, no one looking over your shoulder, no one telling you what to do. We trust your abilities and, more importantly, we trust your judgment. In terms of compensation, we are prepared to offer a $15 million signing bonus up front with $40 million in guaranteed money spread over the course of the five years. Your salary could ultimately rise an additional $30 million based on several performance-related bonuses, and you can also rest assured that throughout your tenure we would provide you with any and all resources you require to thrive. Indeed, your success is The selfnewss success. The following are the just some of the additional perks contained within The selfnewss job offer: 