A visibly emotional, panic-stricken sub-strain of the H1N1 influenza A virus expressed deep shock and regret this morning, telling reporters it never meant to claim the life of 85-year-old local Iris Landow. I swear to you, my only intention was to lay her out for a few days. I didnt think she was just suddenly going to fucking die like thatoh God, oh God, reported the hysterical flu subtype as emergency medical technicians loaded its septuagenarian victim into a body bag. Honestly, Ive infected hundreds of people before and this has never happened. You have to believe me. I mean, shit, how was I supposed to know she had asthma? At press time, the traumatized virus had expressed a desire to do some soul-searching and lay low for a while in the body of local immunocompromised six-year-old Jordy Weinbaum. 