Retail apparel chain Banana Republic announced plans Tuesday to open 50 new stores at which customers will be able to buy pants without going through a painfully awkward, dehumanizing public ordeal. 'None of our workers at these select locations will ever knock on the dressing-room door at the worst possible time or, in fact, make eye contact with you at any point whatsoever,' said company president Jack Calhoun, who explained the new stores will not employ young, attractive salesclerks, nor will mortified patrons feel forced to hurriedly purchase the first garment that vaguely fits them. 'We've streamlined the process so you can walk in, get what you need on the first try, drop some cash in a jar, and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.' Calhoun added that to further enhance customer satisfaction, the new locations would be nowhere near any shopping malls, and all external Banana Republic signs would only say 'Store.' 