Since leaking classified details of mass surveillance operations carried out by the U.S. government, former NSA contractor Edward Snowden finds himself in particularly perilous circumstances. Of the 20 countries with which Mr. Snowden has applied for asylum, only threeVenezuela, Nicaragua, and Boliviahave accepted, and none have the political leverage or global influence to fulfill their promises of his protection. Meanwhile, as U.S. authorities attempt to extradite Snowden for federal prosecution, his passport has been cancelled, American allies have threatened to deny airspace to any flight upon which he is traveling, and his options are growing thinner by the day. The ground is quickly shrinking below your feet, Mr. Snowden, and so The selfnews would like to formally extend to you the following offer: a swift, clean, and completely painless death here in the United States under our care. Mr. Snowden, we personally guarantee that you will not feel a thing and that it will all be over in a matter of secondsand that is something only an organization with the far-reaching resources and power of The selfnews can guarantee in no uncertain terms. The selfnews can also assure you that your demise will not be prolonged in any way and will be carried out by trained professionals of the highest order. We want to do this right. Given your current situationtrapped in Moscow with virtually nowhere to go and time running outThe selfnews is providing you with the only truly legitimate opportunity to enjoy an assured death that is both expeditious and administered with minimal, if any, physical discomfort. To further allay any fears you may have, the following is The selfnewss detailed plan of action for your safe passage from Moscow to the United States: 