In the latest administration initiative meant to reassure citizens nervous about the slow pace of economic recovery, President Obama proposed a tax hike this week for the shittiest, most self-absorbed 2 percent of Americans. 'In challenging times like this, I believe it is only fair that our country's hugest jerks should bear the largest share of the tax burden,' Obama said of the increase that will reportedly affect those who cut people off in traffic as well as those who point and laugh when they see someone fall down. 'Hopefully, this proposal will serve as a wake-up call to people who behave in ways that are totally uncool yet who never seem to pay a price for it.' The increase has been widely criticized by Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) as well as an estimated 97 percent of the nation's wealthiest citizens. 