Aries: (Mar. 21Apr. 19) Youll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love. Then youll be flattened by a stampede of oxen. Taurus: (Apr. 20May 20) Financial dealings look brighter now that youve cashed in that jar of pennies. Spend that $12 wisely. Gemini: (May 21June 21) The stars say you should get a pet because they are a great source of companionship and cheap meat. Cancer: (June 22July 22) Dont be self-conscious about a little unwanted facial hair. Electrolysis can remove that, monkey boy. Leo: (July 23Aug. 22) A long rest is in order when you splinter both tibias and fibulas. Virgo: (Aug. 23Sept. 22) A large sum of cash in a pink envelope will arrive in your mailbox today. Use it to purchase thirty cases of Sizzlean. Libra: (Sept. 23Oct. 23) A tour of a peanut factory ends in tragedy when you are accidentally honey-roasted. Scorpio: (Oct. 24Nov. 21) With summer around the corner, its time to get in shape. Have your beefy mid-section excised by a plastic surgeon. Sagittarius: (Nov. 22Dec. 21) Improve your performance at the office. Slaughter your co-workers to eliminate competition. Capricorn: (Dec. 22Jan. 19) Youll save thousands of dollars in food bills when you become a plant. Stock up on fresh soil. Aquarius: (Jan. 20Feb. 18) Now that the kids are all grown-up, its time for you and your spouse to rekindle old flames. Get that much-delayed divorce. Pisces: (Feb. 19Mar. 20) Youll make a mint with your revolutionary sexual aida synthetic foreskin. Ms. Wyner-Io has just entered the computer age. Your Real Horoscope can be purchased on computer punch card or home video game cartridge (available for Intellivision only) at any Mr. Steak outlet. 