In a surprising casting decision that has drawn criticism from numerous members of local community theater The Old Mill Players, sources confirmed Wednesday that the role of Blanche DuBois in the companys upcoming production of Tennessee Williams A Streetcar Named Desire has been given to none other than Kathy fucking Hamilton. Reports indicated that, yes, you heard that correctly: The 41-year-old real estate agent and mother of three has, for some insane reason, been selected to portray what is, hands down, the 2014 seasons most challenging dramatic role. Thats right, accounts confirmed, were all supposed to sit back and believe that the woman whose past credits include Myrtle Mae Simmons in Harvey, Aunt Eller in Oklahoma!, and a handful of other bit parts is now poised to emerge from the wings and bear the full weight of the summer calendars most highly anticipated production, as if thats not going to take some kind of goddamn miracle. I mean, Jesus, sources added. When I heard they picked Kathy, I immediately thought, Youve got to be kidding me, said Old Mill set designer Ron Aiken, 51, who noted that while Hamilton is a serviceable ensemble member, director Gary Wheeler has completely lost his senses if he thinks she has what it takes to do justice to one of American theatres most iconic and complex heroines. Could I see her as Eunice? Sure, why not? Kathy projects her voice, shes passable in character roles, shes got Stellas boozy upstairs neighbor written all over her. But Blanche? An aging Southern belle whose refined air masks a fragile, desperate inner self? Come on, dont make me laugh. This is the same woman who flubs every other line and can never figure out what to do with her hands in any given scene, and you expect me to believe that she can carry a three-act? Aiken continued. Id pay good money to see that, but Im not holding my breath. Having beaten out seasoned Old Mill heavyweights Joanne Ludlow, Grace Pliner, and Joyce Pahr for the coveted spot, sources expressed their continued astonishment that Hamilton managed to walk away from last weeks casting call with anything more than a three-line role, let alone top fucking billing. Specifically, reports indicate that Hamilton simply doesnt have the chops to handle a part like this, especially given her demonstrated difficulty getting her blocking down, her tendency to jump her cues, and, most crucially, the fact that her loud, maudlin overacting would make Tennessee Williams roll over in his goddamn grave. Furthermore, Old Mill insiders speculated that Hamilton must have blown that audition out of the water, which is difficult to believe if you saw her chewing the scenery in Our Town last fall, a train wreck of a production that should have taught Gary once and for all that you dont hand out marquee roles to supporting-cast talent. Sources went on to add that if theyre being totally honest, Hamilton doesnt exactly fit the characters body type either. Can you honestly picture Kathy sharing the stage with Rick [Lesser]? said Old Mill ensemble member Linda Cohen, 47, clarifying that Hamilton isnt necessarily unattractive, but that at a big-boned 59, she doesnt exactly present the unique mixture of Dixie elegance and delicate vulnerability that ticket holders will expect to see come opening night. Just look at the two of themtheres no chemistry there. Plus, the audience has to believe that Blanche is physically intimidated by Stanley, which just isnt going to work when you have Kathy Hamilton plodding around up there. No offense, but no ones throwing her across the room any time soon. Im sorry, but she just isnt going to be able to sell this one, Cohen added. Listen, if I wanted unconventional casting choices, Id go to Theater With A Twist. Emphasizing that this is Streetcar, for Christs sake, numerous Old Mill ensemble members acknowledged that Hamilton had in the past showed promise in Cabaret and Hello, Dolly!, but noted that the actresss singing and dancing abilities would not be called upon in her latest role because last time sources checked, there are no musical numbers in Streetcar. Moreover, several players questioned just what Hamilton thinks shes doing tackling Southern Gothic in the first place. Although, according to reports, if youre going to throw Kathy Hamilton up there you might as well turn the poker scene into a big glitzy dance number, because God knows choreographys the one thing shes halfway decent at. Hell, sources added, why not have her serenade Mitch after their date while shes at it? Unbelievable, sources repeated. Fucking unbelievable. Here we goits Picnic all over again, Aiken said, referring to last springs debacle in which Marsha Horowitz singlehandedly scuttled a production of the William Inge drama when she was miscast as Miss Rosemary. Marsha wasnt even the lead, but she dragged down that whole production anywayand she actually had some talent. Now weve got Kathy Hamilton ready to do the same thing to Streetcar in just eight weeks. Look, Kathy is an okay actress, but shes kidding herself if she thinks shes spotlight material, Aiken continued. If I were her, I would gracefully drop out of this one and start gearing up for the Chicago auditions, but we all know thats not happening. God, what a disaster. At press time, sources noted that they sure as shit werent looking forward to seeing what Peekskill Daily Voice arts writer Roger Quinn would have to say about this one. 