After months of tense bipartisan negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Monday he had secured a deal to provide every man, woman, and child in the United States with a parrot. 'These are beautiful animals that can live up to 80 years and are very smart,' said Obama, feeding sunflower seeds to a blue and yellow macaw he referred to as General Parrotraeus. 'At a time when there is so much dividing us as a nation, we must never forget that there are some things every American can cherish. You will enjoy these birds.' A press release from the White House stated that while no food or cages would be provided, citizens who already own a bird may opt out with proof of parrot. 