Procter & Gamble, manufacturer of the breakthrough fat-free cooking oil Olean, unveiled a new, improved version of the product Monday, one that is reportedly 30 percent less likely to cause explosive pants-shitting. 'Good news, calorie countersOlean just got even better,' Procter & Gamble spokesman Phillip Hearn said. 'Now, even fewer people who eat Lay's-brand Wow! potato chips will experience violent, bowel-shattering defecation and uncontrollable spewing of high-pressure jets of frothy, liquid feces.' Hearn said Olean users can still expect to vomit rivers of blood at ten-minute intervals for six months following use. 