Aries: (Mar. 21Apr. 19) Your memo concerning the Schinderman account has been posted in the lunchroom so that others may laugh at your poor spelling. Taurus: (Apr. 20May 20) Get away from it all and build yourself a nice house in the country. That way you can continue skinning mules without waking the neighbors. Gemini: (May 21June 21) Your underpants do not accurately represent your age or gender. Shame on you. Cancer: (June 22July 22) Spend a few extra moments with the kids this week. Take them to the place where fun beginsyour area tile store. Leo: (July 23Aug. 22) Crazy antics ensue when your new roommate turns out to be a polar bear, and youre fresh out of chum. Virgo: (Aug. 23Sept. 22) At last, your career in the movies has come to fruition. Too bad youll be decapitated by a low-swinging boom mic. Libra: (Sept. 23Oct. 23) Your unhealthy obsession with Mr. Magoo has gone too far. Its not a bad idea to blind yourself with a leather punch. Scorpio: (Oct. 24Nov. 21) Doctors will confirm this week that lined paper causes ear cancer. Write letters on papyrus. Sagittarius: (Nov. 22Dec. 21) Love life getting a tad dull? Why not soak your genitals in mild salsa? Capricorn: (Dec. 22Jan. 19) You will have a great day until your intestines are yanked out by zombies. Then it will just be okay. Aquarius: (Jan. 20Feb. 18) Assert your position firmly. Craft a space gun out of an old microwave oven to take out The Man. Pisces: (Feb. 19Mar. 20) Say, whats that whistling noise? Ohmigod, AIIIIIIIIGH! We regret to inform readers that Ms. Wyner-Io has been crushed by a meteor. Will she survive? Join us next week for the cliffhanger season finale of Ruby Wyner-Ios Your Real Horoscope. 