Following two months of frustrated efforts to push his American Jobs Act through Congress, President Obama announced Monday he was now attempting to have each word of the bill passed individually. 'This is a truly vital piece of legislation that needs to be approved in a bipartisan manner as swiftly as possible, and if that means passing it one single linguistic element at a time, then so be it,' the president told reporters, claiming he and Republican lawmakers had already agreed on several synonyms that could be substituted for various controversial modifiers. We just had a major breakthrough with the third appearance of the word 'it' earlier today, and we all were surprised to find common ground on 'that.' But I must caution Americans that we still have hundreds of key multisyllabic words to get through.' At press time, Congress was reported to be hopelessly deadlocked on the word 'taxes.' 