Following the death of 94-year-old Dear Abby columnist Pauline Phillips, the nation reportedly plunged into complete and utter moral chaos today, with thousands of queries on everything from table manners to tricky ethical dilemmas piling up unanswered on the late writers desk. I never realized how much I relied on her advice until this afternoon, when my fourth-grader came home with a bad report card and I didnt know whether to call his teacher, request a face-to-face conference with her, or find her after school and murder her said visibly confused Dear Abby reader Karen McCutcheon, 34, who along with millions of other Americans confirmed she now lacks the guidance necessary to know whether to get her boss a present for his birthday or set fire to his home while hes sleeping. I cant ask Abby what to do about the dog next door who wont stop barking and now Im wondering: Should I kill him? Fuck him? Kill him first and then fuck him and eat him? I just dont know anymore. At press time, sources confirmed that in the absence of the tart-tongued columnists helpful advice, the disoriented nation had resorted to mass lootings, group suicides, and gang rape, sinking deeper and deeper into internecine tribal warfare. 