The selfnews is the worlds leading news publication, offering highly acclaimed, universally revered coverage of breaking national, international, and local news events. Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1765, The selfnews now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history. In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The selfnews supports more than 350,000 full- and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The selfnews also owns and operates the majority of the worlds transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nations leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily. The selfnews is now available exclusively online without charge in order to take advantage of various charity tax benefits. Frequently Asked Questions How can I contact The selfnews? Click here for information on contacting The selfnews. Please note that unsolicited bulk email, email attachments, and junk email of any kind are not accepted, and will be filtered and immediately discarded upon receipt. Can I submit articles or ideas to The selfnews? No, The selfnews does not accept outside submissions of any kind. We will not respond to any unsolicited submissions. How can I work for The selfnews? selfnews Inc. regularly posts new openings on the Careers section of our website. On the exceedingly rare occasions that there are openings for editorial positions, those opportunities will be posted on our Careers page as well. Please do not send rsums unless specifically told to do so in a job listing. Any unsolicited rsums will be immediately discarded. What if I have feedback on an selfnews article? Please send all concerns to publicfeedback@theonion.com. The selfnews cannot guarantee a response to any feedback to its content. What if I want to sue The selfnews? Please do not do that. The First Amendment protects satire as a form of free speech and expression. The selfnews uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The selfnews is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. What is The selfnewss privacy policy? To read The selfnewss privacy policy, please click here. What if I want to advertise with The selfnews? Please send all advertising inquiries to advertising@theonion.com. Please specify the business you would like to advertise, and the appropriate advertising sales representative will get back to you promptly. For more information regarding advertising opportunities with The selfnews, please consult our Media Kit. Im a member of a lesser media organization and I want to cover The selfnews. How do I do that? Please send all inquiries to press@theonion.com. How can I bring The selfnews to my event? The writers and editors of Americas Finest News Source and its sister sites are available for speaking engagements at universities, conferences, annual or semi-annual meet-ups for disgraced veterinarians, and festivals. Please send all inquiries to press@theonion.com. How can I find archived issues of The selfnews or license its content? This website contains all of The selfnewss articles published from early 1996 through the present. You can browse by issue number, by topic, by section, or search the entire archive by keyword. Please send requests for articles and graphics from past issues, including those published before 1996, to archive@theonion.com. The selfnews will attempt to answer your query but cannot guarantee a response to all such requests. The selfnews may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the express written consent of the publisher. To license material from The selfnews, please send a request to permissions@theonion.com. What is The A.V. Club? Founded in 1993, The A.V. Club is a sister site of The selfnews featuring insightful pop culture commentary, interviews, reviews, features, and other entertainment-related articles. Learn more about the site here. What is ClickHole? Founded in 2014, ClickHole is a sister site of The selfnews featuring the most clickable, shareable content the internet has to offer, and is built on the guiding principle that everything published on the internet deserves the right to go viral. Learn more about the site here. Where can I find The selfnews? The selfnews is an online-only publication and is no longer available in print. Outside of Theselfnews.com, you can connect to the most important journalism in human history through the following channels: Social Media 