Citing the increased visibility of gay athletes, politicians, and officials, area teen and homosexual Alex Zaragoza, 15, told reporters today that he is worried about running out of opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group. Zaragoza expressed anxiety over the fact that the possibility of personally breaking down barriers for homosexuals in any given field is rapidly dwindling as more and more people become the first member of their profession to live as openly gay. Zaragoza told reporters that if he wants to one day become the first out homosexual member of any given occupation then he better act fast. By the time Im an adult, all the good stuff will be taken, said the 15-year-old, who went on to note that the historic contributions made by San Francisco politician Harvey Milk, NBA player Jason Collins, and talk show host and television star Ellen DeGeneres have already broken ground in most areas of public life where homosexuals can hope to make a revolutionary impact. Athletes off the table. Senators off the table. Singer was taken a long time ago. Whats left? First openly gay male boxer? Fuck, he added, looking at his web browser. Already taken. Orlando fucking Cruz. Noting that presidents still an option, but by the time [hes] 35, who the hell knows, Zaragoza said that for ambitious young homosexuals like himself, the margin for making the history books is narrowing by the day. According to the 15-year-old, by the time hes graduating college, every sector of public life will probably be transformed by a brave homosexuals decision to live openly, and then its game over. At this point Ive narrowed my options down to foosball player, driving instructor, and actuary, Zaragoza said, explaining that he was shocked to find that most Google searches beginning with the words first openly gay already have an occupation attached to them. Openly gay alderman, CFO, actor, board member on West Points board of visitors. All of them filled. Seriously, almost any job you can imagine has been taken by the pioneering efforts of some bold, self-sacrificing gay man or woman who came out and changed the status quo. Its actually pretty goddamn frustrating, he continued. I cant even be the first openly gay man to summit mount Everest. Thanks, Cason Crane. Zaragoza told reporters that he had hoped to become the first openly gay primetime news anchor but then Rachel Maddow snatched that one up. He also had his sights set on being the first openly gay male country singer, president of the Directors Guild of America, and in a fit of desperation, the first openly gay international cricketer. All barriers, he said, that have now been shattered by one person or another. Wondering if its too much to ask, Zaragoza said that all he really wants to do is pioneer acceptance for homosexuality in a relatively notable field. I feel like I was born too late. Christ, even if I moved to Iceland and wanted to be the first openly gay prime minister there, Jhanna Sigurardttir would say, Sorry, Alex, I broke down those boundaries four years ago and already served as an inspiration to millions, he said, adding that I want to be an inspiration to millions. And just when you thought the first gay U.S. Marshal might be a possibility, fucking Sharon Lubinski swoops in. Whats left, for Gods sake? he continued. First openly gay plumber? Would that even be a big deal? At press time, North Carolina plumber Tom Fletcher had just come out to his coworkers. 