1098765 4321Happy New Ye-oops! Ive already broken all of my resolutions! Hello again, loyal readers and fellow residents from the yesteryear of 2009! The holiday season has finally come to a close, and not a moment too soon. Between all the office parties and dinners with the in-lawsand the other things I actually wanted to dowellIm just plain (reindeer) pooped! Yes, two months of spreading cheer has really taken a toll on ol Saint Roger. Frankly, Im surprised the New Years ball was the only thing that dropped at the end of December. I was tired enough to drop, too!aIs it just me, or did this years Yuletide seem a little fa-la-la-la-looong? From Thanksgiving to Hanukkah to Christmas to Kwaanza to New Years. Hey, when exactly did I sign up to run this Merry-thon (marathon)? I swear, if I hear one more Christmas carol, Im going to Rudolph all over my Christmas Shoes. This Winter Wonderland is quickly becoming a Winter Wonder-when-it-will-end-land. How about we get to the Last Noel already? Check, please! I dont know about you guys, but it feels like I started eating turkey, hanging holly, and buying presents last year. Oh, wait. I did! But seriously, I couldnt be happier that weve finally made it to 2010. It seemed like the distant future five years ago, when I promised my wife Rosemary that I would sell a book by 2010 or go back to hotel managing. But now that were here, Ive got only one thing to ask you: Dude, wheres my hovercar? Honestly! Ive seen enough Schwarzenegger classics to know the future is supposed to be much, much cooler than it is now. By 2010, we should have things like laser guns and supercomputers. Instead, weve got a stagnant economy, the Segway, and Congress. (And were still waiting for that last one to become intelligent.) The wife says she cant wait another year for this comedy thing to pan out? Well, I cant wait another year for food in pill form and holograms! Heck, I wouldnt even mind obeying an all-knowing dictator who watches over me constantly and judges everything I do. Er, someone besides my mother-in-law, that is. Yikes! That woman makes the Thought Police look like Barney Fife. Oh, (big) brother! At any rate, 2010 is going to see a whole new Roger Dudek. Ive made some very important New Years resolutions. Of course, with my track record, maybe I should start calling them reso-loose-tions. Because they couldnt be looser! Last year I resolved to stop eating fast food. Three days later I was begging the girl at McDonalds to take her sweet time with those Big Macs. The only will power I have is the power to leave all my worldly possessions to Rosemary when I die. (I hope she likes VHS tapes of Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts and well-worn bathroom readers!) More like wont power! Reso-loose-tion No. 1: Spend more time with the twins. I know they say Kids grow up fast, and thats certainly true with my girls. But, let me tell you, theyre going in more directions than just up! In fact, theyre going every which way at once! Theyve got school and soccer practice and band practice and hanging out at the mall and none of your business, Dad. (That seems to be their favorite hang-out spot!) In fact, they bounce around in so many directions Im not sure if theyre getting older or Im seeing tracers as they enter warp speed! Reso-loose-tion No. 2: Get a copy of my book, Memoirs Of A Guy-sha, to Mr. Saturday Night, the great Billy Crystal. What with the publishing industry disappearing faster than Jack Nicholsons hairline and my book agent no longer taking my calls, it looks like I have to use all my connections to get this thing sold. Lets just hope my connections are still, er, connected. Otherwise, my situation is going to be like a second-rate USO tour: Hope-less! Reso-loose-tion No. 3: Learn a new word every day. Today my wifes sister invited us over for dinner, so I think Im going to start with no! Happy Back to Work-days, everyone! If you need me, Ill be at Burger King eating one french fry every three minutes! O 