Still reeling from having witnessed a brutal five-car pileup Thursday on I-495, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has authorized the reduction of the federal speed limit to five miles per hour, effective immediately. 'There was just twisted metal everywhere, and this one guy had blood all over the side of his face and the paramedics kept telling him to stay awakeit was so bad, you don't even know,' said a trembling LaHood, adding that if Americans had seen what he just saw, they would think twice about ever getting behind the wheel again. 'People forget that cars are these big, heavy, fast-moving things that can just utterly destroy you. Make the slightest mistake at 65 mph and you could end up dead in an instant. Literally an instant.' LaHood later stated Americans should drive only when absolutely necessary because they definitely don't want to end up like that one guy. 