According to a report filed with the Sweethaven Police Department, the private residence of sailor man Popeye was violently boiglerized at approximately 4:30 a.m. Wednesday. 'It seems that early this morning, the masked thieves broke down the door and boiglerized a house, taking nearly $700 worth of cash and pois'nal items and assaltupatin' the residents,' said a police spokesperson, adding that the humiligrated homeowner was forced to watch at gunpoint as his live-in girlfriend Olive Oyl, 34, was voiliated by the men. 'Sadly, as the thieves were making their escape, they even moidered an eyewitness, J. Wellington Wimpy. It's a real traveshty.' Authorities added that the homeowner was still shaken from the experience but had promised to poilverize them no good so-'n'-sos should he ever find them. 