In the midst of unprecedented buzz over the highly anticipated 2013 crop of summer strawberries, a report issued today by the U.S. Department of Agriculture indicated that theres absolutely no way this years batch will come anywhere close to living up to all the hype. For all the chatter thats circulating around these summer strawberriesand theres a lottheres just not a snowballs chance in hell they end up meeting our wildly inflated expectations at this point, said department spokesperson Marsha Rockwell, noting that people must be fucking dreaming if theyre actually buying into the rumors concerning the unparalleled sweetness, texture, and abundance of the fruits coming harvest. Yeah, weve all heard about how these berries are totally going to knock our socks off, but you need to keep in mind we were saying the same thing leading up to the summer of 07, and we all remember how that turned out. Hey, I know we all want another batch like we had in 1994, but trust me: It aint fucking happening. Not this year. Rockwell added that if the U.S. populace doesnt get their heads out of the clouds and come back to reality, the resulting letdown could be the biggest disappointment since the total bullshit crop of asparagus that absolutely ruined the spring of 2003. 