Ravens Inside Linebacker Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls or witness stands; No problem wrapping up big backs, bringing them to the ground, and ripping out the entrails Weakness: Wastes all of his energy during player introductions; Cant fall asleep at night without a concussion; Will probably retire before ever decapitating competitor Retirement Plans: Spend time with family, travel, chronic traumatic encephalopathy Skill: Points out passing plays by running around on all fours and barking Pet Peeve: When head gets caught inside ball carriers ribcage Secret: Actually prefers not to yell, but has to because football stadiums are really loud Post-Retirement Plan: Annoy the shit out of the entire country every Sunday alongside Howie Long and Terry Bradshaw NEXT: Ed Reed 