According to sources, clinically depressed groundhog and weather prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber this early morning, peered directly into his soul, and saw but a mere pathetic shadow of the rodent he once was. My God, is this who I am now? Is this what Ive become? the melancholy animal told reporters, staring hopelessly out onto the pale morning light outside his pen. There was a time when my world was spring eternal, bright and without gloom. But that was a lifetime ago, Im afraid. The downcast rodent then sighed, lifted himself from his urine-soaked confines, and mustered the strength to perform his little song and dance for excited locals. 