Admitting that their behavior in previous years had left them embarrassed and ashamed, the nations dogs announced Thursday that they intend on keeping their shit together during this years Fourth of July fireworks displays. Though we recognize we have not always demonstrated the most poise and self-control on this particular holiday, we want to assure everyone that this will finally be the year we dont completely lose it and freak out upon hearing the booming of distant fireworks, said Duchess, a 6-year-old cocker spaniel, adding that the countrys 80 million dogs aim to avoid cowering under the coffee table or uncontrollably urinating on the kitchen floor in a moment of pure panic after neighbors light off firecrackers or bottle rockets. Weve been preparing for the past few months, and we think well finally be able to maintain our composure this time around. We cant promise that we wont whimper a little or try to jump up and sit next to you on the couch, but were definitely not going to sprint in circles around the living room or howl continuously until the noises stop. The nations dogs concluded by acknowledging they could not guarantee that they wont go completely apeshit the next time the doorbell rings. 