A report issued Tuesday by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reveals a significant decline in childhood obesity rates in several states, though, honestly, sources confirmed, you sure wouldnt know it if you took one look at the MacArthur Center mall in Norfolk, Virginia. After decades of rising obesity rates among American children aged 2 to 4, our latest findings show that the prevalence of this alarming trend may at last be diminishing, despite what even the briefest glance at the MacArthur Center mall might lead you to believe, said CDC director Thomas Frieden, adding that the study, while statistically accurate, sure as shit doesnt seem like it if youve ever watched dozens of preschoolers frantically waddle to the food court of the Norfolk shopping center. Though its too early to conclude that we have turned the corner in stemming this dangerous epidemic, we hopefully will see further promising developments in the coming years, the grotesque little butterballs in the MacArthur Mall notwithstanding. According to agency sources, the CDCs latest report comes on the heels of similarly optimistic studies concerning the nationwide abatement of drug abuse, teen pregnancy, and illiteracy, which sure as hell werent written by anybody whos ever visited the Ridgeland, Mississippi Dairy Queen. 