An inquiry into last month's fatal midair collision of fighter planes piloted by Maj. John 'Scorch' Basin and Col. Keith 'Scorch' Vitullo has found that a dangerous number of U.S. servicemen use the same nickname. 'For commanders on the ground, calling out 'O-Ring' or 'Stroke' and having multiple heads turn poses a logistical nightmare and a grave risk to our troops in the field,' chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Michael 'Scorch' Mullen told reporters Tuesday. 'How are you supposed to launch a predawn raid on a terrorist safe house when you've got 40 different men answering to the name 'Tex'?' In an effort to combat the problem, the Navy has issued a directive ordering 16,000 sailors currently known as 'Topside' to henceforth use the nickname 'Petty Officer 2nd Class Douglas C. Romero.' 