"ANNOUNCER (O.S.):" "Ladies and gentlemen, your hosts, Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani!" "Hi!" "Yeah." "No!" "I don't want this." "You don't want this?" "I-- there was one" "This one time I was in college, and there was a girl, and I had a big crush on her." "I called her the goddess of math class." "The goddess of math class." "I didn't know her name for a little while." "Yeah." "So, it was like sort of a practical thing." "No, no, because I didn't know the names of some of the girls I had crushes on... and it would just be like, "Red Backpack Girl."" "See, I didn't want to objectify them..." "like that." "Maybe to you a girl is just a backpack, but to me, she's" "A goddess of math class." "Goddess." "Yeah." "Uh, one time, she was like, "Oh, I take dance."" "And I was like, "Oh, yeah, you're awesome."" "And she was like, "Come to our dance concert."" "And I went to her dance concert, and this is why I thought of it." "It was just her with a vacuum cleaner." "Mm-hm." "Yeah, dance." "And she had a vacuum cleaner... and she would move it to the center of the stage." "Then she would do this." "But like-- like this, like kind of shaking around." "Like sort of like that." "Then she would take the vacuum cleaner and then-- and then she would do that." "And then we hooked up that night." "After seeing that..." "Yeah." "Wow, she can dance and clean?" "What a woman?" "I actually had a huge crush on a girl that like a lot of like my friends... we all had crushes on her, and we all kind of revealed that." "All of you guys had-- what is this, like a" "What-- what is it?" "A gang crush?" "Some sort of gang crush, yeah." "Gang crush?" "Yeah." "Is that how you approached her?" "I have great news." "Yeah." "Ah, no, but like I did end up taking the girl out on a date." "How did you approach it?" "Like, what happened?" "Tell us the whole thing." "We should hang out some time." "We should go see a movie." "And she was like, "Sure!"" "And then I made the mistake of just taking her to go see... the Bjork movie, Dancer in the Dark." "What the fuck, Jonah?" "I j" " I didn't know, I was just like..." ""Bjork movie, this is gonna be great, she loves Bjork."" "And then, I just spent-- we just spent the entire movie crying next to each other." "Which is not a good thing you want to do on a first date." "No, it's the movie's so sad, that even Bjork had to commit suicide." "Spoiler alert for Dancer in the Dark." "She doesn't commit" "Okay, I never saw it." "Yeah." "I just assumed." "Yeah." "I took a swing." "No, no, no." "Actually, it's the main sticking point of the movie." "The main sticking point is that she doesn't?" "No, the-- it's like, she's sentenced to death." "Oh!" "It's like the emotional apex of the entire thing." "I'll tell you everything I know about this movie." "It has Bjork in it." "Bjork is in it." "And the emotional apex of the movie is that she's sentenced to death." "Are you guys ready for an awesome show?" "You guys ready for the show?" "Great, I'm glad." "We have such a fantastic show." "It's an amazing show tonight, and we're glad you guys are here for it." "Uh, we-- this guy is a massive vine star." "Yeah." "Please welcome to the stage... vine celebrity, the Bling Ringa Xisle." "The Bling Ringa Xisle, everyone." "What up?" "Yeah!" "Hey, guys, hey, guys, what's up?" "What's up?" "How's it going?" "I'm so excited." "This is the first time I have performed off of vine." "For the first time ever, I am performing here live onstage... and I'm gonna revolutionize comedy with my very own 6-second sets!" "Wow!" "Wow!" "Yeah." "I'm excited to see that." "Yeah, so if you're a fan of my vine videos... you're gonna love my stand-up, 'cause it's just my vines, but live!" "Okay, so like musicians will do their songs live... you're doing your vines live." "Exactly, but here's the thing." "Because we're not videotaping it with a camera that runs out of time in six seconds..." "I need you guys to be my time keepers, okay?" "Okay." "All right, I could do that." "So you gotta like give me six seconds, and at six seconds, we cut it off!" "Okay, let's just get started, and you can look into these cameras... and let me know when to start the time and I'll let you know when it's over." "Okay, perfect." "You can start... now." "How you know you're dating a dumb girl?" "What animal does hummus come from?" "Bah!" "Time." "That was perfectly timed." "That was six seconds on the dot." "That's how I go!" "Okay." "Let me know when you're ready." "This one's called Business Meeting." "Hello?" "Hold on, please." "What?" "Sell my stock in bananas." "Who?" "Now!" "Stop." "Wow!" "You know" "And that's not the only banana vine that I do." "I'm known for all my banana vines." "Check this one out." "Okay, let me know when you're ready." "I think I have a weird moustache." "Aye!" "Ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-bah!" "Hello?" "That's time." "This is another one of my classic loops." "350 million loops." "Check this out." "Start it!" "Ah, well, that hand's normal." "Agh!" "Sock hand!" "Time." "These are perfectly timed for six seconds." "Well, he's done 'em before, so he's practiced, you know?" "I mean, it's like right on the dot." "Yeah... and they're alsoreally good." "What was that one called?" "That one's Sock Hand." "But doesn't that give away the punch line if you" "No, that gets people into the theater." "Oh, does it give it away that Iron Man's in The Avengers trailer?" "No." "That's one right there!" "Oh, oh, do it!" "That's a new one." "Do it!" "Do it!" "Yeah, yeah, I like that one." "Do it, that's a new one!" "All right, go!" "Do it right now!" "All right..." "Avengers trailer?" "Where's Iron Man?" "Time!" "Now, I want to, before I do my finale..." "I just want to give a chance for the audience to yell out their favorite vine that I do... and I'll do it live onstage." "What's your favorite vine that you saw the Bling Ringa Xisle do?" "[MAN] Spaghetti Monster." "Oh, Spaghetti Monster." "14 million loops can't be wrong." "Get the clock going!" "For Spaghetti Monster." "Go!" "Wh-- a ho-- yeah-- Sorry, sorry." "I tell you to go." "I'm sorry." "And I'm all-- You got all cocky on me, all right, okay." "Go!" "Spaghetti Monster... me like ravioli!" "Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah" "Time!" "All right, here is my finale." "Classic, classic vine." "All right, let me know when you're ready." "Okay." "Agh!" "What do you mean the ALS Challenge is over?" "Time!" "That's a master at work." "Bro!" "That is-- I thank you so much." "That was amazing." "Um, the worst one I did was this girl that I had a huge crush on." "And I was so excited, and I swear at the end of the day... she said, "You're like the brother I never had."" "I swear she said that." "Yeah." "And I-- literally my response was" " I said, "Why would you say that?"" "Yeah, you know what's crazy?" "Just last week, my wife called me her brother." "Anyway, we're very excited, you guys... came to the show." "We should-- we should talk about what we were gonna talk about." "Sure, let's do that." "So every week, we pick a topic, we tell quick stories on it." "This time we're gonna talk about holidays." "I should put some more context to the conversation." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's his wife, she called him her brother." "Yeah." "So every week we pick a topic, and we talk about it." "But this time, we're gonna talk about holidays." "I'll tell you my holiday story." "Um, when I was 14, when I first visited America... and I land, I was in Queens with my uncle, and it was the middle of the night." "We landed and I couldn't sleep, I was so excited." ""I get to be in America!" "What's this gonna be like?" So excited." "And then we couldn't sleep, so it's the morning and my uncle's like..." ""Hey, here, I have to show you something."" "And he took me to Manhattan, this was Thanksgiving." "Which was" " I didn't know what Thanksgiving was." "And he took me, and he showed me the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade." "My first day in America, and I was like, "This is every day in America!"" ""As advertised!"" ""They have so much money, they can throw a party for Garfield!"" ""Mariah Carey is here!"" ""Imagine what they do onactualholidays."" "And no day has lived up to that day." "So you just light, like in the olden days?" "Just like a regular show." "I light you at 8:00, you work that-- you work it out." "I can let you-- This is the punkest show in town." "We're the punkest show in town, that's also a television show... that has contracts and all the official paperwork, but yes." "But at the root of that is a punk aesthetic that is undeniable." "And makeup and hair, and wardrobe." "A little bit punk." "Punk." "Very punk!" "The roots." "Oh, my god, what's up, you fucks?" "Quick question, do you guys fuck?" "So much fear in the laughter." ""Isn't that interesting?" "Hah-hah, not me, hah-hah."" "Right?" "What's that about?" "Is the mayor here?" "You guys seem scared, is the mayor here?" "No, right?" "But isn't that interesting how like the mayor need not be here?" "To like still be here?" "Right?" "It's upsetting, it's wrong." "And I know you're kind of thinking like... the way I'm moving around, the way I can, you know..." ""Oh, theater background?" No, okay?" "Do you guys steal?" "Who steals?" "So one person said no, so there's a coward right here." "Somewhere" "No one steals, just a room full of nerds." "I steal in a very specific way." "Um, I believe 100 percent that women have the right to steal cosmetics." "Um, completely, thank you." "Absolutely." "The situation is women sometimes-- sometimes upon birth... are forced into an economy... you have to pay for your own subjectivity constantly, right?" "So if you don't have certain creams, powders, lotions... um, the state won't recognize you, um..." "You can't get a job, right?" "It's really-- it's very violent, kind of, the system." "So I've taken to, over the years, just gradually stealing from" "And by the way, I'm not talking about small Ma and Pa shops." "Who here is a small business owner?" "Just so I know, that's what I thought." "So relax, but" "I'm talking about Sephora, right?" "See me at really big chains, right?" "Those kind of are an anchor for me." "Uh, for example, the red lipstick I'm wearing tonight..." "Hey." "Um, it's called Scarlett Empress." "And it costs $30... if you pay for it." "And I won't." "It's-- thank you so much, yes." "Absolutely." "It's confusing, it's sort of how, you know, as a woman you" "You're just kind of-- you want your father to sexualize you, right?" "Because-- just because you want him to see you as worthy, right?" "And that's kind of the only currency available." "So you want that, but at the same time... that's very repugnant." "You know, so, again you're sort of caught in the dancing... and again, for this, no training, okay?" "Just want to say that just 'cause I felt some people go..." ""Oh, another one." You know, but this is completely-- no" "No lessons, so" "So what I meant when I said that my wife called me her brother" "Are you guys ready for more show?" "I genuinely want to die, not knowing the rest of the story." "Are those TOMS?" "What are those?" "They are... shit." "You know your shades." "I didn't even realize they were TOMS until today." "I read the top of them." "Oh." "Well, they say-- they say, "Give sight," or something." "Yeah." "Because for every sunglasses you buy, they give like" "Sunglasses to wear." "A poor kid." "The kid might be poor, but he looks cool as fuck." "Just lookin' real chill." "Really?" "I didn't know that." "No, somebody gave them to me in Austin." "Yeah, they give sight." "They give real glasses to somebody, right?" "Yeah, they give real glasses." "My mom-- Maybe I should do a bit about that." "These are Tom's sunglasses." "It says, "Give sight."" "That's why I'm wearing these." "Every sunglasses that I've-- you buy... a poor kid gets to look cool as fuck." "Yeah." "See, we working on a set right now." "Working on it right now, everybody." "I was looking for material for this set... so I" " I just went to Twitter and put in a search... for the word "fish"." "And the top tweet was a dude that said..." "Three retweets and I'll kill my sister's new fish." "So..." "These are TOMS sunglasses right here." "And on top it says, "Give sight."" "'Cause when you buy a pair of sunglasses... they, uh, give an underprivileged kid a pair of sunglasses." "So that kid'll be hungry, but he'll look cool as fuck." "And that's what it's about." "And maybe with his cool look, he can convince a girl to give him some food." "And that's what we're gonna be talking about today." "Self-improvement." "I try to forget part of my past, but they don't let me do it when I" "I can't get a Macy's card." "And..." "I feel like I'm succeeding in life, but when you try to get a Macy's card... and it doesn't work out, it let's you know what you did when you were 19-years-old." "Just trying to figure it all out, man." "They say you teach people how to treat you based on your behavior." "You teach people how to treat you, so I'm trying to teach people... that if my zipper's down, just let that shit go." "But people love telling you your fly is down... without even knowing your position on zipper politics." "They just assume you share their views." "Sir, your fly is down." "Oh, yeah, my fly is down?" "Well, is my dick out?" "'Cause if my dick isn't out, I feel like you over exaggerating right now." "Sir, your fly is down." "Yeah, my fly is down, because I'm not a conformist piece of shit like you." "It's anarchy down here and I'm living it, what's up?" "I was downtown Chicago, there was a homeless dude." "He walked up to me and said, "Hey, sir, your fly is down."" "I said, "Hey, man, your life is down, a couple things."" ""Hey, listen, man, this is a quick fix for me right here."" "Don't worry about me, sir, you gotta be making short-term plans and long-term plans." "Good comedy punches down!" "What's up?" "TOMS sunglasses." "Give sight!" "Thank you so much for coming to the show!" "We appreciate every single one of you." "You guys are the best!" "You, you, you, you, you, you" "Good job, guys!" "Great job!" "Jesus." "( INDISTINCT CHATTER )" "Guys, here you go." "Guys, this is a" "Remember that time you saw a TV show?" "Yeah, that was five minutes ago." "Never forget if you buy a poster." "You know, you'll never forget." "Jonah." "Okay." "Here, I'm gonna flip through, just say stop when you want." "Stop." "Right there?" "Yeah." "Memorize the first word, got it?" "Okay." "Don't forget it." "Not forgetting it." "Okay, a single word in your mind." "Yes." "I'm gonna try to tap into Jonah's mind." "And figure out what word he's thinking of." "People have tried, scientists all over the the world." "They can't figure it out." "I really wish they could." "I'm gonna do it." "Visualize-- and I'll do this so the camera can kind of see my process." "You're getting a rare peek into the magician's world." "I'm very excited." "Visualize the first letter of this word, Jonah." "Just see it, don't say it." "Just see it." "Yeah, I'm getting a vertical line and a couple horizontal lines make up this letter." "Am I right?" "Yes." "Yeah?" "Yeah." "Don't s-- okay." "Okay." "Am I alo-- do I answer?" "It's okay, no, no, no" "I need some feedback." "Okay." "Uh, think of the last letter of this word." "The last letter consists of" "There's a horizontal line, and a vertical line." "Am I right?" "Yes." "And then there's definitely an A in there." "Somewhere, am I right?" "Mm-hm." "Now I don't want to commit entirely to this, but I feel pretty good." "Jonah, would you do me a favor, and just hold the word, but don't look at it." "Just hold the word." "Sure, sure." "Okay?" "When you think of this word, Jonah... is this something that, ah, that you do?" "Yes." "Is it?" "He does." "I do." "Is it something you enjoy doing?" "A lot, I do, I don't." "When was the last time you did this?" "Just moments ago." "How many times a day does this happen?" "Do you do this thing?" "Five to six." "Really?" "That's it?" "What's the-- did I get it right?" "Yes, you did." "What word are you thinking of?" "Eat." "Eat." "Yeah." "Eat." "He revealed my true problems." "What?" "Wait, what?" "Good work." "Thanks for letting me tap in." "Wait, how-- can I see the book?" "[KUMAIL] Can I see the book?" "It was the word "eat"?" "[JONAH] Yeah... "Eat this" was the phrase." "Hannibal, when was the last time you cried?" "See this shirt?" "See these shades?" "Do I look like I fucking cry?" "[CAMERA] I left you too soon."