"It's..." "Monty Python's Flying Circus." "I know you're down there." "Hey, did you see that?" "Did you see somebody go past the window?" "What?" "Somebody just went past the window, that way." "Another one." "Another one just went past downwards." "What?" "Two people have just fallen- out of that window to their almost certain death." "Fine, fine, fine." "Look!" "Two people..." "Three people- have just fallen- past that window." "Must be a board meeting." "Oh, yeah." "Hey, that was Wilkins of finance." "Oh, no, that was Robertson." "Wilkins." "Robertson." "Wilkins." "Robertson." "That was Wilkins." "That was Wilkins." "He was a good golfer, Wilkins." "Very good golfer, very good golfer." "Rotten at finance." "It'll be Parkinson next." "Bet you it won't." "How much?" "What?" "How much do you bet it won't?" "Fiver?" "All right." "Done." "You're on." "Fine." "Come on, Parky." "Don't do it, Parky." "Jump, Parky, jump." "Come on, now, be sensible, Parky." "Dear sir, I am writing to complain- about that sketch about people falling out of a high building." "I have worked all my life in such a building- and have never once..." "Parkinson!" "Johnson!" "My god, this is terrible!" "Would somebody please stop it?" "!" "Lord knows that." "Let's try it this way." "Alakazam!" "Alacadabra!" "alakazam!" "Alacadabra!" "alakazam!" "Alacadabra!" "alakazam!" "Alacadabra..." "Hello!" "Tonight, Spectrum looks at one of the major problems- in the world today" "The whole vexed question of what is going on." "Is there still time to confront it, let alone solve it, or is it too late?" "What are the figures, what are the facts?" "What do people mean when they talk about things?" "Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau." "In this graph- this column represents 23% of the population." "This column represents 28% of the population- and this column represents 43% of the population." "Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you?" "What do they mean to me?" "What do they mean to the average man in the street?" "With me now is professor Tiddles of Leeds university." "Professor, you've spent many years researching into things." "What do you think?" "I think it's too early to tell." "Too early to tell, too early to say." "It means the same thing." "The word "say" is the same as the word "tell."" "They're not spelled the same, but they mean the same." "It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat"" "But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough"" "Different spellings and meanings, but sound the same." "But the real question remains:" "What is the solution, if any, to this problem?" "What can we do?" "What am I saying?" "Why am I sitting in this chair?" "Why am I here and what will I say next?" "Here to answer this is a professional cricketer." "I can say nothing at this point." "You were wrong." "Professor?" "Hello." "Hello." "So, where do we stand?" "Where do we sit?" "Where do we come?" "Where do we go?" "What do we do?" "What do we say?" "What do we eat?" "What do we drink?" "What do we think?" "What do we do?" "Sorry!" "Hello." "Mr. and mrs." "Johnson, isn't it?" "That's right, yes." "Well, come on in." "Excuse me not shaking hands, but I've just been putting- a bit of lard (flott) on the cat's boil (böld)." "Very nice." "Well, you must be tired." "It's a long drive- from Coventry, isn't it?" "Yes, well, we usually reckon on 5 1/2 hours- and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with a 25-minute wait at Frampton Cottrell- to stretch our legs" "Only we had to wait half an hour- to get on to the M5 near Droitwich." "Really?" "There was- a three-mile queue just before Bridgwater on the A38." "Only normally we come round on the B3339, just before Bridgwater, you see." "Really?" "We risked it" "Because they say- they're going to widen it there." "Are they?" "Just there" "At the intersection where the A372 joins up, there's plenty of room to widen it there." "There's only the grass verges." "They could get another six feet." "Knock down that hospital." "Then we took the coast road through Williton- and got all the Taunton traffic on the A358, from Crowcombe and Stogumber." "Well, you must be dying for a cup of tea." "Well, wouldn't say "no," not if it's warm and wet." "Well, come on in the lounge." "I'm just about to serve afternoon tea." "Very nice." "Come on in, mr. and mrs." "Johnson." "Oh, this is" "Mr. and mrs." "Phillips." "Good afternoon." "It's their third year with us." "We can't keep you away, can we?" "And over here- is mr." "Hilter." "Ah, good time, good afternoon." "Planning a little excursion, are we, mr." "Hilter?" "Ja, ja!" "We make a little..." "Was ist ruckweise bewegen?" ""Hike."" "Hiking." "We make a little hike for... for Bideford." "Oh, well, you'll be wanting the A39 then." "No, no, you've got the wrong map there." "This is Stalingrad." "You want the Ilfracombe- and Barnstaple section." "Ah, Hein..." "Reginald" "You have the wrong map here, you silly old leg-before-wicket English person." "I'm sorry, mein führer." "I did not..." "Mein Dickie, old chum." "Lucky mr." "Johnson- pointed that out?" "You wouldn't have had much fun- in Stalingrad, would you?" "I said you wouldn't have had much fun- in Stalingrad, would you?" "Not much fun in Stalingrad, no." "Oh, I'm sorry," "I didn't introduce you." "This is Ron..." "Ron Ribbentrop." "Oh, not von Ribbentrop?" "Nein!" "nein!" "nein!" "Oh... no, he different other chap." "No, I in Somerset am being born." "von Ribbentrop is born in Gotterammerstrasse 46," "Düsseldorf, West eight..." "So they say!" "And this is the quiet one, mr." "Bimmler." "Heimlich Bimmler." "How do you do there, squire?" "Also I am not minehead lad, but I in Peterborough, Lincolnshire house, was given birth to, but stay in Peterborough, Lincolnshire house- all during war, owing to nasty running sores- and was unable to go in the streets," "play fussball or go to Nürnberg." "I am retired window cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes." "And am very glad England win World cup," "Bobby Charlton and Martin Peters, and eating lots of chips and fish- and toad in the holes- and Dundee cake on Piccadilly line, don't you know, old chap, and was head of Gestapo for ten years..." "Five years!" "Oh!" "No, no, nein" "I was not head of Gestapo at all." "I make joke." "Oh, mr." "Bimmler" "You do have us on." "Oh, excuse me," "I must just go and answer that." "How long you down here for, mr." "Hilter?" "Just the fortnight?" "Why do you ask that?" "You a spy or something?" "Get over there against the wall, britischer pig." "You're going to die." "Take it easy, Dickie, old chum." "I'm sorry, mr." "Johnson." "He's a bit on edge." "He hasn't slept since 1945." "Shut your cake hole, you nazi." "Cool it, führer cat." "The fun we have." "Haven't I seen him- on the television?" "Nicht, nein, nein... oh, no." "Television doctor?" "No!" "no!" "Telephone, mr." "Hilter." "It's that nice mr." "McGoering, from the Bell and Compasses." "He says he's found a place, where you can hire bombers by the hour." "If he opens his big mouth again, it's lampshade time!" "Shut up!" "Hire bombers by the hour." "What a laugh he is, that Scottish person!" "Good old Norman." "He's on the telephone the whole time nowadays." "In business, is he?" "Soon, baby." "Course, it's his big day, thursday." "Oh, they've been planning it for months." "What happens then?" "Oh, it's the north Minehead by-election." "Mr. Hilter's standing as a national bocialist candidate." "He's got wonderful plans for Minehead." "Like what?" "Well, for a start" "He wants to annex Poland." "Oh, north Minehead's- conservative, isn't it?" "Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies." "Rallies?" "Well, their bocialist meetings, down at the axis cafe in Rosedale road." "Achtung, achtung!" "Uber alles!" "Die eltern im mittelalter und die jungen, alles muss mit dem mittelschmerz gestoppen sein!" "I... am not a racialist... but-- und this is a big "but"-- we in the national socialist party believe- das uberleben... muss gestammen sein mit der schneaky Armstrong-Jones." "Historische Taunton ist volkermeinig von Meinhead." "Mr. Hitler..." "Hilter... he says that historically," "Taunton... is part of Minehead already." "He's right, do you know that?" "Und Bridgwater ist die letzte fuhlung, das wir haben in Somerset!" "Sieg heil!" "Sieg heil!" "What do you think of mr." "Hilter's policies?" "Well, I don't like the sound- of these here boncentration bamps." "Well, I gave him my baby to kiss and he bit it on the head." "Well, I think he'd do a lot of good for the stock exchange." "No, no." "Oh, yes, britischer pals, he is wunderbar... ful, ja." "I think he's right about the coons, but then I'm a bit mental." "I think he's got beautiful legs." "Well, speaking as conservative candidate," "I just drone on and on and on and on, never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, until I start foaming at the mouth- and falling over backwards." "Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards." "Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards, or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth?" "Tonight's Spectrum examines the whole question- of frothing and falling, coughing and calling, screaming and bawling, walling and stalling, galling and mauling, palling and hauling, trawling and squalling and zalling." "Zalling?" "Is there a word "zalling?"" "If there is, what does it mean?" "If there isn't, what does it mean?" "Perhaps both, maybe neither." "What do I mean by the word "mean"?" "What do I mean by the word "word"?" "What do I mean by "what do I mean?"" "What do I mean by "do" and what do I do by "mean"?" "What do I do by do by do?" "And what do I mean by wasting your time like this?" "Good night." "Good night." "Good evening, I wish to report a burglary." "Speak up, please, sir." "I wish to report a burglary." "I can't hear you, sir." "I wish to report a burglary!" "That's a little bit too loud." "Could you say it- just a little less loud than that?" "I wish to report a burglary!" "No, I'm still not getting anything." "Could you try it in a higher register?" "What do you mean, in a higher register?" "What?" "I wish to report a burglary." "That's it, wait a moment." "Now, a little bit louder." "I wish to report a burglary!" "Report a what?" "Burglary!" "That's it, now keep it there." "Hello, sarge!" "Evening, Charlie." "I was sitting at home- with a friend of mine from Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom!" "We went to investigate and found £5,000 stolen!" "Well, I'm afraid I'm off duty now, sir." "Could you tell sergeant Foster?" "I was sitting at home- with a friend of mine from Camber Sands!" "Excuse me, sir, but, why the funny voice?" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry." "I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant." "I'm terribly sorry, I can't hear you, sir." "Could you try speaking in a lower register?" "What?" "I wish to report the loss of £5,000." "£5,000?" "that's serious." "You'd better speak to the detective inspector." "What seems to be the trouble, sergeant?" "Well, this gentleman, sir, has come in- to report that he was sitting at home with a friend, when he heard a noise in the back room, went round to investigate- and found that £5,000 in savings had been stolen." "I see." "Where do you live, sir?" "121 Halliwell Road, Dulwich, SE21." "121 Halliwell Road, Dulwich, SE21." "Another Halliwell Road job, sergeant?" "Yes, I can't believe it." "I thought the bloke who'd done that- was put inside last year." "Yes, in Parkhurst." "Well, it must have been somebody else." "Thank you, sergeant." "We'll get things moving right away." "You take over here, sergeant." "Alert all squad cars in the area." "Hello, darling" "I'm afraid I shall be late." "Calling all squad cars in the area." "I think that's in very bad taste." "Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way." "Good afternoon, and welcome to Hurlingham Park." "You join us just as the competitors are running out- onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain." "Well, it certainly looks- as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport- in this, the 127th "Upper-class Twit of the Year" show." "Well, the competitors will be off any moment, so let me just identify them for you." "Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has O-level in chemo-hygiene." "Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp." "Nigel Incubator-Jones-- his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time, he's a stockbroker." "Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the guards- and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket." "And finally, Oliver St. John- Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit." "Now they're moving out to the starting line." "There's a jolly good crowd here today." "Now they're under starter's orders- and..." "They're off!" "Oh, no, they're not." "No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start." "Never mind, we'll soon sort that out." "The judge is explaining it to them now." "I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea." "All set to go." "Oh, and they're off." "And it's a fast start this year." "Oliver St. John-Mollusc running a bit wide there- and now they're coming into their first test" "The straight line." "They've got to walk along this straight line, without falling over." "And Oliver's over at the back there..." "Simon's coming through quite fast on the outside." "I think Simon and Nigel..." "Both of them coming through very fast." "There's Nigel there, number three, I'm sorry." "And on the outside, there's Gervaise- coming through just out of shot." "And now, the positions:" "Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump" "Three layers of matchboxes to clear." "And Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully." "Oh, the jump of a lifetime" "If only his father could understand." "Here's Nigel..." "He's confused." "No, Gervaise is over." "He's..." "Nigel is over..." "He's only just hit the top." "And now it's Gervaise." "Gervaise is going to jump." "Is it... no, he's jumped the wrong way." "There he goes." "Nigel's over beautifully." "Now it's Only Oliver, Oliver and Gervaise..." "Oh, bad luck." "And now it's "Kicking the beggar."" "Simon's there, and he's putting the boot in- and not terribly hard, but he's going down, so Simon can move on." "Now Vivian's there." "Vivian is there and waiting for a chance." "Here he comes." "Oh, a real pile driver, a real pile driver." "And now Simon's at number one;" "Vivian, two;" "Nigel, three;" "Gervaise at four;" "and Oliver bringing up the rear." "There's Oliver, there's Oliver now." "He's at the back." "I think he's having a little trouble- with his old brain injury." "He's going to have a go..." "No, no, bad luck." "He's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy." "He doesn't know when he's winning either." "He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus known to man." "He's now standing up..." "Oh, bad luck." "Oh, there's Gervaise putting the boot in there." "There's no need for him to do this." "He's got the beggar down." "The steward's giving him a little bit of advice." "Yes, he can move on now." "He can move on to the hunt photograph." "There's Gerv..." "I think he's..." "yes, he's off." "Gervaise is there, and Oliver's still at the back, having trouble with the matchboxes." "Now, here's the hunt ball photograph." "And the first here is Simon." "He's going to enjoy a joke with lady Arabella Plunkett." "She hopes to go into films." "And Vivian's through there" "And Nigel's there enjoying a joke- with lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Steamroller" "Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith." "And there's... and there's Simon now in the sports car." "He's reversed into the old woman." "He's caught her absolutely beautifully." "Now he's going to accelerate forward there- to wake up the neighbor." "There's Vivian, I think..." "No, Vivian's lost his keys..." "No, there's Vivian!" "He's got the old woman, slowly but surely, right in the midriff, and here he is." "Here he is to wake up the neighbor now." "Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but he can't get this neighbor woken up." "He's slamming away there as best he can." "He's getting absolutely no reaction at all." "There!" "there, he's woken him up and Simon's through." "Here comes Vivian..." "Vivian to slam the door." "And there we are back at the hunt ball." "I think that's Gervaise." "Yes, that's Gervaise going through there." "And here... here comes Oliver, brave Oliver." "Is he going to make it to the table?" "No, I don't think he is." "Yes, he is." "Oh!" "What a great twit!" "And the crowd are really rising to him there." "And there, I can see..." "who is that there?" "Yes, that's Nigel." "Nigel has woken the neighbor." "My God, this is exciting!" "Nigel's very excited, he's going through." "Here comes Gervaise." "Gervaise..." "oh, no, this is..." "Out in the front there is Simon" "Who is supposed to insult the waiter- and he's forgotten." "And oliver has run himself over." "What a great twit!" "And there..." "now here comes Vivian." "Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him- and he is humiliating him there." "And he's gone into the lead." "Simon's not with him." "No, Vivian's..." "has hit the bar." "Now they've got to get over this bar." "This is extremely difficult, as it requires absolutely expert coordination- between mind and body." "No, they're hitting it there." "Here we go again." "Simon's fallen backwards." "Here's Nigel, and he's tripped." "Nigel has tripped, and he's under- and Simon fails again." "Now here is Gervaise, going to jump through- and Simon is through by accident." "Here's Gervaise to be the last one over." "Here we are." "Here's Nigel right at the head of the field- and now he's going to shoot the rabbit." "These rabbits have been tied to the ground- and they're going to be a bit frisky." "And this is only a one-day event." "And they're blazing away there." "They're not getting quite the results that they might." "Gervaise is in there, trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle." "And I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're not getting the results they might, but it is a little bit misty today- and they must be shooting from a range of at least a foot." "But there's a couple of hits there, I think." "Yes, they've had a couple of hits- and the whole field is up again and here they are." "They're coming up to the debs" "Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third." "And now they've got to take the bras off from the front." "This is really difficult." "This is really the most difficult part- of the entire competition." "And they're having a bit of trouble in there, I think." "They're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited- and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited, too." "But anyway, Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through." "Simon's in second place and..." "there's Oliver." "He's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it." "There goes Nigel." "No, he's lost something." "And Gervaise running through to this final obstacle." "Now, all they have to do here to win the title is- to shoot themselves." "Simon has a go-- bad luck, he misses." "Nigel misses." "Now, there's Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself." "Gervaise is upper-class twit of the year." "There's Nigel-- he's shot Simon by mistake." "Simon is second and there's Nigel." "Nigel's shot himself." "Nigel is third in this fine" "And most exciting upper-class twit of the year I've ever seen." "Wait" " Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place." "And so the final result: the upper-class twit of the year" "Gervaise Brook-Hampster of Kensington and Weybridge;" "Runner-up" " Vivian Smith- Smythe-Smith of Kensington;" "And third" " Nigel Incubator- Jones of Henley." "Well, there'll certainly be some car door slamming- in the streets of Kensington tonight." "Dear sir, how splendid it is- to see the flower of British manhood- wiping itself out with such pluck and tenacity." "Britain need have no fear with leaders of this caliber." "If only a few of the so-called working classes- would destroy themselves so sportingly." "Yours, etc." "Brigadier Mainwaring Smith Smith Smith, etc." "(deceased, etc.)" "P.s., etc. come on, other ranks, show your stuff." "Yes, sir, I'll do me best, sir!" "No, not good enough." "No, still not good enough." "Yes, that's better." "Hallelujah, hallelujah..." "Okay, all clear." "Now, I understand- that you want to marry my daughter." "That's right, yeah, yeah." "Yes, you realize, of course, that Rosamund is still rather young?" "Daddy, you make me feel like a child." "Oh, yeah, you know..." "Get them when they're young." "You know what I mean?" "!" "I'm sure you know what I mean, mister..." "Shabby, Ken Shabby." "Mr. Shabby, I just want to make sure- that you'll be able to look after my daughter." "Oh, yeah, yeah." "I'll be able to look after her, all right, sport." "You know what I mean?" "And..." "What job do you do?" "I clean out public lavatories." "Is there a promotion involved?" "Oh, yeah, yeah." "After five years, they give me a brush." "I'm sorry, squire, I've gobbed on your carpet." "And, where are you going to live?" "Well, round at my gran's." "She trains polecats (illrar), but most of them have suffocated, so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic?" "Know what I mean?" "I see." "And when do you expect to get married?" "Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know?" "I haven't had it for weeks." "Well, look, I'll phone the bishop- and see if we can get the abbey." "Oh, diarrhea." "The story so far..." "Rosamund's father has become ensnared- by mr." "Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism." "Bob and Janet have eaten mr." "Farquar's goldfish- during an Oxfam lunch- and mrs." "Elsmore's marriage is threatened- by Doug's insistence that he is- on a different level of consciousness." "Louise's hernia (bråck) has been confirmed- and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of The Lancet, on his way to see Jenny, a freelance pagoda designer." "On the other side of the continent," "Napoleon still broods over the smoldering remains- of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer, whilst Mary, Roger's half-sister, settles down to watch television." "There now follows a party political broadcast- on behalf of the Wood party." "Good evening." "We in the Wood party feel very strongly- that the present weak drafting of the local government bill, leaves a lot to be desired- and we intend to fight." "Hello?" "I'm afraid the minister's fallen through the earth's crust." "Excuse me a moment." "Hello?" "Hello." "Are you all right, minister?" "I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge thing." "Shall we lower down one of the BBC ropes?" "If you'd be so kind." "What length of BBC rope- will we be likely to need?" "I should use the longest BBC rope." "That would be a good idea, I would imagine." "Okey-doke, chief." "Tex, get the longest BBC rope and bring it here pronto." "In the meantime, since I am on all channels, perhaps I'd better carry on with this broadcast, by shouting about our housing plans, from down here as best as I can." "Could someone throw me down a script?" "The script would appear- to have landed on a different ledge, somewhat out of my grasp, don't you know." "Well, perhaps when the rope reaches you, minister, you could kind of swing over- to the ledge and grab it." "Good idea." "Well, I'm going to carry on- if I can read the script." "Good evening." "We in the Wood party..." "Feel very strongly about... the present weak drafting of the local government bill." "And... no, it's no good, it's not working." "I think I'll have to try and make a grab for it." "Ah!" "There we are." "Good evening." "We in the Wood party feel very strongly about the present..." "Oh, dear." "Hello!" "Hello!" "Look, I must look a bit of a chump, hanging upside down like this." "Don't worry, minister." "I think, love, if we turn the picture upside down, we should help the minister, then." "Oh, good." "Look, I'm sorry about this." "There seems to be a few gremlins about." "I think I'd better start from the beginning." "Good evening." "We in the Wood party feel very strongly about..." "Oh, bloody heck!" "Oh, dear." "Terribly sorry about this..." "About saying "bloody heck" on all channels, but..." "There's another script on the way down, minister." "Oh, good, good." "Well... good evening." "Well, how are you?" "Oh, look, I don't want you to think of the Wood party- as a load of old men that like hanging around on ropes, only I..." "Thank you." "Good evening." "We in the Wood party feel very strongly- about the present weak drafting..." "Look, I think we'd better call it a day." "Is this the furthest distance- that a minister has fallen?" "Robert." "Surprisingly not." "The Canadian minister for external affairs- fell nearly seven miles, during a liberal conference in Ottawa about six years ago." "And then quite recently, the Kenyan minister for agric. and fish, fell nearly 12 miles, during a Nairobi debate in parliament;" "although this hasn't been ratified yet." "How far did the Filipino cabinet fall last march?" "Well, they fell nearly 39 miles" "But it's not nearly so remarkable, as that was due- to their combined weight, of course, Robert." "Yes, well, thank you, Robert." "Well now, what are your reactions to all this?" "Robert." "Well... well, Robert" "The main thing is that it's terribly exciting, tremendously exciting." "You see, the minister is quite clearly lodged- between rocks we know terribly little of, terribly little." "Of course, the main thing is we're getting color pictures- of an extraordinarily high quality." "Extraordinarily high quality." "But the important thing is..." "The really exciting thing is, the minister will be bringing back samples of the earth's core, which will give us a tremendous, really tremendous, tremendous, tremendous clue, as to the origins of the earth and what God himself is made of." "Oh, oh, I needed that." "Thank you, Robert." "Well, that seems to be- about all we have time for tonight, unless anyone has anything else to say." "Has anyone anything else to say?" "No." "Nope, nope." "No." "No." "No." "No." "No." "No!" "No." "No." "Bloody fairy." "No." "No!" "No." "No." "No." "Nein... no." "No." "No, no, no, no." "What do we mean by "no"?" "What do we mean by "yes"?" "What do we mean by "no, no, no"?" "Tonight Spectrum looks at the whole question of "what is no?""