" Tsk, tsk, tsk." " Tsk, tsk, tsk!" "You're all tutty, darling!" "When Patsy comes, I want you to treat her with respect." "Flash, click, click!" "Flash, flash, click!" "Guys, guys, guys!" "Just give me a break, darlings!" "I have a life to lead! "This way, Patsy"!" "Fellows, fellows." "Sweeties, darlings." "Just leave me alone." "Flash, flash, flash!" "Click, click, click!" "Patsy, Patsy!" "You all right, darling?" " You're not letting this get to you?" " Of course not." " Little bit of Bolly?" " Yeah, just a smidge." "Are these today's?" "Anything in them?" "Not much, darling, no." ""MP in drug-crazed sex romp shock with fash-mag slag. "" " Damn!" " I know." "Well, there is THAT, thank you very much." "You're front page on most, but it has only been a day." "Who could still be interested in reading all this?" "His wife?" "Listen, Saffy!" "I am the victim in this case." "He's just using me for publicity." "He's just riding on my back to get his pathetic face in the papers." "Exactly, sweetie!" "Patsy's been forced to leave her flat." "Forced?" "Even the cockroaches left that hole." "They are trying to make out that Patsy is some kind of sex-crazed, drunken, high-class prostitute." "Pretty accurate so far!" "Look at this!" ""4-Letter Patsy in MP sex row"!" ""Orgy of alcohol and sex near MP's home"!" "Ridiculous!" "The bastard scum parasites of the press, darling." "One minute they're scum, the next you're pouring booze down their throats" " in the great name of PR." " Booze, sweetie?" "Booze, darling?" "Is that what they call it down the Uni bar?" "Booze?" "Is it?" "Will you be popping in after a day's lecture for half a pint of shandy-booze?" "Some pork scracklings?" "Oh, God!" ""Illicit passion for MP's posh clothes mag gal pal"!" ""Shocked wife of MP keeps silent"!" " BITCH!" " BITCH!" " "Queen furious. " That's not you." " Oh, let them write what they want." ""Continued on page 5." I mean, I should just rise above it." "Bastard!" "No, no, no!" "What, what? "Close friend... "" " Further down." " "Patsy Stone..." ""47"?" "!" "I'll sue!" " How old is she?" " I'm 39." "And I'm an ovum." "Another pig-ugly MP making a fool of himself with some scrawny old hooker." "Nothing like a good old sex scandal." "A bit more exciting than in my day." "In your day? "Woman shows ankle to chimney-sweep shock"!" " You know, in my day..." " Which century was that?" "...there was a sense of style about the whole thing." "Christine Keeler, Mandy Rice-Davies." "Gorgeous women who kept their mouths shut and looked gorgeous." "That's the way I should play it, Eddie." "Not like these tarts of recent times." "Kiss and tell, blurt it all out for the promise of a quick buck." "Not me, sweetie, my lips are sealed." "You'll do "Hello!" magazine, though." "Ooh, yeah!" "Might as well do it in the comfort of your own home." "Eddie, Eddie!" "The people from "Hello!" are here." " Hello!" " That's right." "Antonia." "It's interesting!" "Rustic, ethnic." "Would you like to follow me into my gracious drawing room?" "Could you stop that for a minute and help me here?" "They're all objets from my shop, so keep the price tags showing." "Hello!" "Magazine is here and I haven't decorated the room." " Why bother?" " Because, sweetie, what you can't tell about a person by what they show on their coffee table isn't worth knicker elastic." "What do you think, darling?" "Look, look, look!" "It's an Eskimo papoose." "Any chance of a quick buck in the Arctic, they tip the babies out and ship them down." "I think it's going to be really great if you move into halls." "It takes a little while to get used to it, all the noise and everything." "Like other people coming and going all the time." " Sounds like home!" " You've got to get used to it if you're moving in." ""Moving in"...?" "Would you like another Aqua Libra?" "I don't suppose you've got any low alcohol cider, have you?" "No, actually." "I don't drink." "You should give it a try." "It's brilliant!" "Last night at a party, I drank a whole can!" " Now, where am I?" " I'm sorry?" " Where am I here?" " In my gracious drawing room." "No, I mean where is this?" "Shepherd's Bush?" "Holland Park!" "It's not on the outskirts, either." "Not the edge of Holland Park." "This is the rich heartland of Holland Park." "Is the photographer here yet?" "We never do photos on the same day." "Next week." "70-foot drawing room with west-facing garden. 1.5 million." "Right." "Let's kick off, shall we?" "Is it important to have lovely things around you?" "Yes." "Is it a miracle that you are walking again?" "It is a miracle that I can walk at all." "I bless the wonder of life." "And the newness of living." "Jed might be around tomorrow night as he and I sort of... hang out a bit, you know." "Catching up on lecture notes." "Ooh!" "No, nothing like that." "I know what you're thinking." " You may be sorely disappointed there." " Although, the other night..." " He got locked up in our part of the hall." " Poor bastard!" "And he did have to sleep on my floor, but..." "Only because he couldn't chew through the restraints with his bare teeth." " Jed's really, really lovely..." " Could you shut Titicaca up for a second?" "!" "Sweetie, hold my hand." "Ow!" "Oh, that's better!" "I said you could go to university, darling, not move into the residential home." "I'm only thinking of moving into the halls because it is easier for me." "Easier for you!" "I can see the headlines now, sweetie." ""Home Alone mother left to fend for herself" ""while good-time daughter shacks up student-style." ""'I left her with a neighbour and friend,' she says. "" "Help Momma, sweetie!" "Help Momma, darling!" "Ow!" "And when will the baby be born?" "Do you hope to have a big family?" "Of course!" "How stupid of me." "Those questions were transparently for a much younger woman!" " You're not Annabelle Croft?" " No, I'm Patsy Stone." "Stone?" "Oh!" "Did your life change much after "Basic Instinct"?" "Yes?" "Bonjour." "Oui." "Just..." "Four bloody languages and they can't specialise in one." "Just put me through to Zermatt!" " Who are you calling?" " My doctor." "He is skiing in Switzerland." "Hello?" "Philip?" "Yes, it's Edina." "You know that foot of mine, darling?" "I just bashed it on the door-frame." "Huh?" "Oh, God!" "He just hit the grand slalom." "I can't hear him for wind noise." " Eddie." " How did it go, Pats?" " Do these work?" " For how old, sweetie?" " 35." " You might need a few more for 35." "How much more?" "A bungee jump with the elastic tied to the back of your head." "Yes?" "Yes?" "Yes!" "Yes?" "Yes, yes." "Oh!" "Operation?" "Darling." "Hospital, yes." "All right." "Thank you." "Did you catch that, darling?" "I've got to go to hospital." "Hospital, Eddie?" "I'll come with you." " I'll have to pack and order the ambulance." " Why don't you take your car?" "I don't pay huge insurance premiums to drive myself to hospital and not stay overnight, OK?" "Come on, Pats." "Which one should we go to?" "Cromwell?" "Heritage?" " Champney's." " They've got a pool, don't they?" "Aw!" "Can you just circle around a bit?" "Nothing is worse than not seeing the person being put into the ambulance." "What about me?" "I'm sick too, you know." "OK, OK." "Here she comes!" " Excuse me." " This way, Patsy." " Patsy, how are you?" " Fine." "I'm just here with a sick friend." " How about an exclusive story?" " I've given that story to Hello!" "Magazine." " Am I just going to sit here, Patsy?" " I'll send someone to get you." " Over here." " How long are you here for?" " Patsy!" " Nice smile." "Excuse me, I'm sick." "No bloody mini-bar!" "That's hard to credit, isn't it?" "Let's not have the TV on." " What is this?" "Morning television?" " Worse." "Mid-morning television." "Patronising women, castrated males and Welsh cartoons... till the people who like a gin and tonic get home at 6.30." " Gin and tonic, Eddie." " Gin and tonic, sweetie." "You order it, sweetie." "I'll check out the bathroom." " Have you got any pain at the moment?" " Yes." "Mary!" "Come in here a minute and look at this!" "Mother of God!" "What is it?" "My daughter could get away with wearing something like this." "Maybe she could, but I doubt if she'd be able to afford it!" "She's only 3 years old." "Just give us the appropriate drugs and leave the room." "For the laugh you've given us, it's the least we can do." " How about some distalgesic?" " Is that all right, Pats?" "Wash them down with brandy." "I want a drip and a little heart-bleep machine." "I've seen "Casualty"." "I know what goes on." " Have you any pain?" " No." "But I'm still paying." "Have you got any of that stuff they used in "Awakenings"?" "L-Dopa." " Two on the rocks and some cigarettes." " Benson and Hedges or Marlboro?" "Both." "And bring me the wine list." "Hey!" "Is that Patsy?" "Is that her?" "Hello, dear." "I thought I recognised you." "It's that old slag in the papers last week." "Then there are these lovely recherché Killim slippers." "And chairs I thought might be interesting." "I've got a friend with some lovely chairs in her shop." " Jocasta?" " Yes." "She believes chairs are as important to civilisation as a masterpiece or something." "I wrote it down somewhere." "We could print that up and do some lovely photos." "You'd think they'd send a doctor in by now." "I might be dying here." "Huh, sweetie?" "Darling, sweetie?" "Visitor." "Visit, visit!" "She's got two people with her." "Two." " Are they Patsy's friends?" " No, they're from the magazine." "What's she having done?" "Must be hard to find a priority on a face like that." "She's having a little face-peel and some eyelid rejuvenation." " Don't you ever go off duty?" " What do you want?" "More champagne!" " Can mine be a Buck's Fizz?" " And some nibbles." " Is this your daughter?" " Yes." "Maybe there's a God after all." " Mary!" " Don't you dare!" " I demand to see a doctor!" " Mr Simpson will be round in a minute." "Mr Simpson!" "I want a proper doctor who'll take me seriously and give me more painkillers." " Right, Mrs...?" " Monsoon." " I'll be operating on your..." " Foot." " Tomorrow morning." " Hold my hand." "He might be the caretaker." "We could do this under local." "It's not a very serious operation." "Local?" "Local anaesthetic?" "Are you mad?" "!" "What is this?" "Eastern Europe?" " You wouldn't feel any pain." " But I'd be able to see it!" "I'm not totally lacking in imagination." "I want total sensory deprivation and back-up drugs!" "She's much happier unconscious!" "I'll see you tomorrow." "I know I should see that lumpy breast woman now, but great friends of mine are having a drinks party." "Face-lift." "Just grab her by the scalp, shake her up and down and chop off the slack." "Oi, you!" "Bitch-nurse." "I want some more painkillers." "Look, I have two tiny little paraplegics left." "Over an hour ago!" "I know you've got Valium out there." "Have you tried this?" "A triple-acting alpha-hydroxy acid natural complex to re-activate your skin, making you scientifically more beautiful." "Sounds good!" "Dermatologist and opthalomogist tested, non-acnegenic." "I don't know what it means, but it's forcing me to believe it." "If you want a peel, you want full-strength sulphuric acid skin stripper!" "Gnarled old oak trees have been wheeled into this hospital and gone out as saplings." "Look, it says in the brochure!" " Breast enhancement!" "It's an operation." " Of course it's an operation!" "I thought it was just something to do with good lighting!" "All the fuss about implants!" "Breasts have been blown out of all proportion." "Who wouldn't put up with a not entirely unpleasant trickling sensation for that amount of cleavage?" "!" " Magda!" " Hello, Pats!" "How are ya?" "Unlucky business with the MP." "Hello!" "Should sort that out." "I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch to get to by six, all this with my working champagne lunch with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about." "This month I want articles about how lovely spending money is." "I want money, money, money." "Spend, spend, spend." "I don't want more photos of gormless skeletons with no brains, make-up or tits." "Promoting bored teenagers won't sell a Chanel suit." " Naw, they're too thin!" " Too young!" "If they get any younger, they'll be chucking foetuses down the catwalk." "We need new photos of everyone." "Staff, editors and writers." "Stupid bloody idea, but everybody's doing it." "I'll get the Hello!" "Chap to do a head and shoulders." "I blame the papers, they started the trend." "Journos with egos, I don't like them." "Bad enough having to read the crap without having to look at a photo of the bastard who wrote it." "These are the shots I had done." "It's all in the attitude." " Who did these?" " Bailey, O'Neill and Lichfield." "Couldn't we make a feature? "Our Editor"." "Yes, and then we could use all these lovely photos." " And each week the same with all of us." " Yes." "Chairs might be nice." " Are you going?" " Yes." " Home?" " No, I'm going to the party at the halls." " You won't be here when I come round?" " For the first time in my life, no." "It's just for the room-warming." "Just don't be happy or pleased or anything." " You all right, Pats?" " Yes, darling." "You?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah." " Not nervous, are you?" " Not a bit." "I can't wait." "The day after tomorrow my life begins again." ""Goodbye ageing obscurity", and "'Hello!" "'magazine"." "Takes more than two of those to knock me..." " Did you take the pre-med?" " She took everything we had!" " Come on." " No!" "Don't be silly!" "Now count to ten, slowly." "One..." "She's gone." "Praise the Lord." "Ah, Edina, my dear." "You're awake." "It's sad news, I'm afraid." "The doctors say there is nothing they can do." "Brains is working on the formula, but he may not have enough time." "I'm very sorry." "Your friends and family are here." "Patsy." "Mandy Rice-Davies." "Where's Patsy?" "No, sweetie, it's Patsy." "This is a dream." " How do I look, Pats?" " Wonderful." "You never seem to age." "I've always been jealous of that." "It's just bone structure, Patsy." "My whole body just hangs off these cheekbones." "Don't die, Eddie!" "You're my touchstone, Eddie." "I think I should see my family now." "Saffy, darling." "Sweetie, you wore the Lacroix." "I will always wear Lacroix from now on when I'm in town, Ma." "And I've decided not to go to university." "I'm going to bum around Europe experimenting with drugs, wearing flared denim for as long as it's fashionable." "Then take a flat in Paris and just be a famous artist." "And people will know that I owe it all to you." "Thank you, darling." "I know we've had our ups and downs, sweetie, but..." "I'll always sort of love you, you know." "Is your father here?" "Is Justin here?" "Papa is just here, Mama." " Justin." " You can't die." "You wonderful woman, you." "I won't let you." " Tell me you're not gay." " No, I'm not." "I used that as an excuse." "When we split up, I knew I'd never find another woman to take your place." "I didn't want another woman." "I shall be sending a letter to your bitch friends who said "I told you so"." "It will be in print in the obituary in "The Times," which they will print by mistake." "Because I'm sure you are going to pull through." "Is my son here?" "Is Serge here, my pride and joy?" "He's taking weather readings in the Arctic." "And yes, I faxed the North Pole." "My God!" "Where are the nurses?" "Somebody must be doing something!" "The doctors tried to stop me, but I said, "You give that chick anything she needs!"" "What do you need?" "Sex, drugs, rock and roll?" "Rock and roll." "# Make a stand for your man, honey" "# Try to can the can" "# Put your man in the can, honey" "# Get him while you can" "Your mother is here." "Yes, Momma is here, Eddie." "What is she doing here?" "I was just passing, dear." "Goodness, you're looking young." "You hardly seem to have changed since you were a little girl." "Not looking so bad yourself." "I thought you'd be a lot older." "It's my bone structure, dear." "Your whole body hangs off my cheekbones." " Please!" " Come alive!" "Get off, get off, get off!" "Mrs Monsoon, how are you feeling?" "What are you doing here?" "I was visiting someone from my bridge club, dear, just down the corridor, so I thought as I was passing..." "My foot!" "I must see the scar." " Is that it?" " Yes." "Wasn't very much in the end." "Not even a toenail." " What, then?" " We removed this." "It's an acupuncture needle, must have worked its way down." "But I've only ever had cranial acupuncture." "Oh!" "How many organs have been harpooned on its way down there?" "I'm a needle dumping ground." "Put a bandage on it at least." "Where's Patsy?" "I'm fantastic." "At her tasteful London home which she decorated herself," "I met the lovely internationally renowned fashion director Patsy Stone." "There's nothing I like better than shopping for knick-knacks." "Patsy nibbled a humble salad and sipped an Evian water." "I like to maintain a healthy lifestyle." "It's hard to believe that Patsy is 39 years old." "She looks so young." "PATSY Thank you." "So young." "Thanks." "Young." "Wake up, Miss Stone." "The operation is over." "A complete success." "I'll pop in to see poor old Patsy, dear." "I think I heard them wheel her back in." "Patsy?" "It's only me." "May I come in?" "Come in, Mrs M. I think you're in for a pleasant surprise." "Mrs M...?" "Oh, my God!" " Don't leave her here!" " Get out!" " NHS, NHS!" " Eddie!" "Never mind, darling." "Hey-ho!" "You're not crying, are you, darling?" "No, sweetie." "There's a little wound under my eye that won't heal." "Do you want some Ecstasy, Eddie?" "Are you mad?" "Nobody's taking that any more." "People have been dragged from raves bleeding from every orifice." "This isn't a rave." "It's a "happening"." "Don't force me to take it, Pats." "I promised Saffy I'd never try it." "She'll never find out." "She doesn't scare me." "Mum!" "Keep the noise down." "Yes, that's tight enough." " Where's Olive?" "She normally does me." " She's sick." "Aren't you a nurse?" "Why aren't you nursing?" "This pays better." "How much are you hoping to lose?" "Normally I lose about 10 inches from all over my body." " How many times have you had this done?" " Seven." "I'll see what I can do." "Personally, I think you're wasting your money." "You want to lose weight?" "You want to move that fat bottom and get your mouth sewn up." "You want to help the environment?" "Use your fat bottom and plug up the ozone layer." "All right!" "Are you trained at this?" "I am a nurse." "Bandaging is what I do best." " And I've got the manual." " Good." "Right." "Have you recently had or are you due for your period?" "Yes, both." "Is that important?" "No." "I'm just making conversation." "Relax." " Mum." " What?" "Aww!" "It's the little daughter." "Mum, can you come downstairs, please?" "Have you seen what you're talking to?" "Tutankhamen." "Mum, it's important." "I've got some bad news." "I'm being shrunk, and then I've got to pick Patsy up from hospital." " Tsk, tsk!" " Don't "tsk, tsk"!" "Do you think she wanted her stomach pumped again?" "No!" "She thought they were her antibiotics." "Gran is downstairs and wants to see you." "That has never really worked as a threat!" " She's got some very sad news." " How tragic!" "Oh, what?" "What?" " I think she should tell you." " But I'm..." "What are you blubbing for?" "Mum!" "Come downstairs now!" "If I come, the Dead Sea comes with me." "Is that all right?" " Is it all right if I move?" " There you go again!" "Mistaking me for someone who gives a damn!" "Who cares if you're fat or thin?" "Who cares if you live or die?" " Gran." " Good morning, dear." "Ooh, I say!" "Is that all the rage?" " It's a wrap." " They've changed since my day." "Is it a Vivienne Westwood?" "Gran, come on." "You've got something to tell Mum." "Do I have to?" " Come on, Gran." " You tell her." "You're better at these things." "I don't know why, but I have the feeling I might laugh." "That would just be an hysterical reaction." "Hysterical, but I do think it would be rather inappropriate." "Come on." "Does this look comfortable?" " Mum, maybe you should sit down." " No, my crust can't be broken." " You tell her, Saffy." " No, you tell her, Gran." " We could do "one potato, two potato"." " Just one of you, now!" "You're..." "Oh, no, dear." "You say it." "Very well." "Edina dear, your father is dead." "Well done." ""Well done"?" "Did she finish him off?" "That was it, wasn't it?" "I'm not going mad, am I?" "Grandad has died!" "Is that all you can do?" "Don't you think Gran needs a little bit more?" "Don't drag me into it, dear." "She's doing her best, I'm sure." "Don't get yourself into a state." "Your father is dead!" "What does that make you feel, Mum?" "And you can stop smirking!" "Upset, sweetie." "Upset." " I told you." " I'm not ready to crack yet." "Leave the mummy and come to Granny." " I am upset, darling." " Mum!" "Go upstairs and don't come down until you've thought about it!" "I have thought about it." "Come away from the old woman." " Look, Mum's upset." " Go!" "I don't know how you do it." "She would never do that for me." " I expect Grandad kept her in check." " He was scared stiff of her." "These bandages are very clean." "Where is all the mud?" " Is that good?" " I don't know." "Get up." "Let me measure your wrists." "I don't know how this can have happened." " My God, woman!" "What have you done?" " What?" "This will take your mind off it, Saffy." "I'm sorry, Gran." "You're coping so well." "I just feel so sad." "It's all right, dear." "I've had longer to get used to the idea of Grandad dying." "We were married for nearly 40 years, you know." "It's just there's so much to think about, to arrange." "All in good time." "Now, it's multiple choice questions." "Are you ready?" "How many years was Margaret Thatcher Prime Minister?" "A 900 years." "B 3,000 years." "C 11 years?" "A trick question." " It's all right." " No, it's not all right." "It's impossible." "It just can't have happened." "Do you want to talk about it?" "I've put on 12 inches all over my body!" "I mean, my body absorbs mud!" "Every pore is now an over-eater!" " I don't understand you, Mum." " I'm a medical freak, sweetie." "Of course, they want you to say 11 years." "And that makes me think that it must be a 900 years." "It was a very, very long time." "Oh, dear!" " What's the matter with her?" " She's upset about your father dying." "Still?" "Look!" "There are certain things that we should talk about." "The funeral arrangements, the will." "And also about Gran." "Where is she going to live?" " No!" " What?" " She is not coming to live here." " I am not coming to live here." "No, dear." "I am quite happy where I am." "In fact, I'll have a bit more room." " Are you sure?" " Oh, yes, dear." "Well, I spoke to the funeral directors this morning." " It's going to be next Monday." " All right." "I'll make a note of that." "I think I'm free." "Oh!" "Cancel bridge." " Then everyone can come here." " Here?" " And then go on to the church." " I'm a Buddhist." "Well, don't come!" "Don't do anything!" "Don't think about it!" "Don't care!" "I think I'll be off." "I'll just pop home and sort things out there." "Take care." "And thank you." "Oh, goodbye." "I can't believe the way you're behaving, that you don't care." "I do care, darling." "Did he leave a will?" "What?" "I'm just asking!" "I've made out a will." "You'll get most of the money in my will." " What do you think you'll do with it?" " I don't want it!" "Of course you do!" "Well, don't have it!" "I'd rather you didn't have it, in fact." "It's a rather depressing thought that you might live on after me." "You?" "Is that how I'll be remembered?" "Through you?" " What do you want?" "A statue!" " Yes." "A great, big, fat, ugly, armless statue?" "!" "I've got arms!" "I've got arms!" "I just want to bequeath something to the nation." "Arms!" " Can I help you?" " I want to buy some art." " Have you seen something here?" " I don't know." "I just..." "I just want to get some." "What else have you got?" "Perhaps if you knew what you were looking for I could help you." "Is there someone else who could help me?" "I want to, you know, buy some art." "I'm a collector." "Sort of modern stuff." "Please, come downstairs." "We'll see what we can do." "You only work in a shop." "You can drop the attitude." "Notice the quality in the texture of the brushstrokes." "The artist manages to cast off inertia and overcome habit in a continual renewal of himself." "Don't give me all this crap!" " I understood you were a collector." " I am, a serious collector." "I'm not interested in artistic value." "I just want to know how much this will be worth in 20 years' time." "Oh, I see!" "Why didn't you say so?" "I've been showing you completely the wrong stuff." "What?" "This?" "I want to see the figures." "And I like these here." "These shoes." "And the televisions." "I like those." "Also I want one of those... bloodheads." "Those frozen bloodheads." "Anything that's in the Versace collection." "I want things like that." "I just want... everything!" "It all looks like bollocks, so it must be worth something." "Is that you, Mum?" "What are you doing down here in the dark?" "I heard you get up." " I suppose it had to hit me sooner or later." " Yes." " Actually, darling, it sort of made me think." " Good." "I don't want to die!" " Oh, dear!" " I know you think I don't feel things." " I'm sorry we had that row this morning." " That's all right." " I've spent most of the money now." " I don't care." "You still get the house, though." "And any little keepsake, any little reminder you want of Mummy, just say and it shall be yours." "I can't really think of anything right now." " There must be something." " No." "What?" "Nothing?" "Nothing in the whole place?" "An ashtray, a piece of cutlery, a glass?" "Something from the fridge?" " I don't want to think about it." " Me neither!" "But I have to, because I'm dying!" " You're not!" " I am." "Look at those, darling." "Look." "They're stunted!" " You bite your nails." " Not the nails." "My lifelines." " They look fine." " They end." " We all die." " Yes, but I don't want to!" "When I think how much I've invested in this body, this life." "I've had the best of everything." "Pampered by Champney's, fed by Fortnum's." "I've been shaved, plucked and moisturised." "This carcass ain't croaking or I'll sue!" "If you really want to talk about it, perhaps now would be a good time to tell me what you want when you die." "What sort of funeral?" "Where would you like to be buried?" " I'm not dead yet." " I know." "I don't want to be buried." "Have you ever been to a graveyard?" "Have you ever read a tombstone?" ""So-and-so fell asleep and was buried on date. " Fell asleep!" "No, no grave for me, darling." "I'm a Buddhist anyway." "I want to be laid on a rock in the Ganges and be pecked by birds." "I don't want to end up as some drugged-up zombie in a hospital." "I thought that would appeal to you." "I want to die with a bit of dignity." "I don't want the last words I hear to be "Switch her off"." " Mum, I wouldn't!" " You wouldn't, would you, darling?" " It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" " Probably some old drunk." "You go." "Come on!" "Live, live!" "You were right." "I'm going to bed." " What are you doing here?" " You were supposed to collect me." " What?" " From the hospital." "I was waiting." "I'm sorry, darling." "It's just that..." "we had some bad news today." "I need a drink." " It's very bad news actually, Pats." " What?" " I'm dying!" " You can't!" " Well, I am!" " What am I supposed to do if you die?" "Get cabs!" " I think that's enough people." " It's not very many." "I know." "I was always telling him to get out more." " I see she's in mourning at last." " Only for herself." " Morning." " Morning, Mrs M." "Good morning, Patsy." "Eddie tells me that Mr M..." "You know dead." " That's right." " Well, I... condole you." " Thank you." " He chose the right season to go." " What do you mean?" "!" " Harvey Nicks have tasty black numbers." "And black is like "in"." "You wouldn't have to wear it only the once." "It's my job to know these things." "Silky sheen, silky sheen." "What are you doing, silky sheen?" "Making a list of family and friends for the funeral." "Family?" "Family...?" "You're not inviting that bloody bollocky selfish two-faced chicken bastard pig man?" "You could just say "Dad"." "I'd still know what you meant." "Anyway, he can't come." "He's away." "Marshall can't make the funeral either." "He's flying back to LA." "But he might call in this morning to pay his respects." " How kind!" " Not with that bitch girlfriend." " He's got a new one." " Oh, no!" "She's a therapist." "Damn!" " The window, the window!" " Stay!" "You've done it again!" "We are but mere ghosts, we are spirits soaring." "For some say, forsooth, that we die at our conception, and will then henceforth be reborn into vibrant life when we truly pass on." "For, herewith, I say to you, who can say whether we are alive or already dead?" " That's enough now, Sondra." " To Mother." "I'd like you to have this, you dear recently-bereaved one." "I hope you don't mind me terming you so." " There's a passage in the book..." " Marshall!" " That's enough, honey!" " Oh, just this little bit." " Can I have a drink?" " What a good idea!" " Are you drinking again?" " Yes." " Welcome back." " Thanks." "You're no use to her unless you have a problem." "How perceptive!" "I am not what others perceive me to be." "I am not what I am called, I am not a name." "I am my own invention." " I've heard that before." "It's Jung or..." " No, it's a traditional quote." "I am merely using the meaning." "No credit required." "You can check it out with my lawyer." "Here." " Did you write this, dear?" " Yes, that's me." "Sondra Lorrance." "I think the title says it all, don't you?" ""Hey, It's Great To Grieve!"" " Marshall, how's the script coming?" " Do we have to know?" " It's at a real interesting stage." " You're doing just fine." "We had Keanu Reeves pull out, which we feel positive about now because it's taken a different course." "A Japanese company has taken up the option to do it in animation form." "Pat yourself on the back for that." " A cartoon...?" " A cartoon!" " Animation!" " A cartoon!" "Hi!" "You really interest me." "I'd really like to talk to you." "Don't worry, I'm a therapist." "I'm gestalt." "And I'm g-going." "Let's go, Eddie." "Saffy, I'm going to change and have lunch with Pats." "You really are very aggressive to her." "Do you blame or hold your daughter responsible for your ageing, your loss of looks?" "No." "What's your excuse?" " That was a quality moment." " Oh, good!" "I, too, have felt great sadness." "You are talking to someone who has sat through "Beaches" 12 times." "Really?" " Oh, that'll be Grandad." " How sweet!" "You still think he's coming home." "No, it really is Grandad." "We're putting the coffin in the sitting room." "Excuse me, would you run that one by me again?" " The coffin..." "Am I right?" " Yes." " With the...?" " Careful, honey." " The body, yes." " BODY!" " All right!" "Calm down." " These people are crazy!" "It's gonna smell!" "Take me home!" "Has the Yankee bimbo from hell gone?" "God, I hope so, darling!" "Oi!" "Private parking." "I park here." "You have to have a permit." " Who's that?" " Just finalising the arrangements." " What's tomorrow?" " The funeral." "Come on, Pats." "Let's see if my art has arrived." " Oh, yes, good!" " Are you mad?" "!" " You don't have to like it, that's not the point." " How much did this set you back?" " I just spent as much as I could." " Oh, well, in that case, it's fabulous." "I have bought the future." "Look, let me show you." "This bit here." "This, darling, here." "This is the art of Brooks Wood." "These are arty-povorous jars, darling." "Now, over here... we've got..." "This is the materialisation of a psychotic's dream deciphered by... hangers." "I like this bit." "This is a corpse... in an open..." "oaken... oblong coffin." "Silky lining." "It's a dead body, Pats." "But is it art, Eddie?" "No, sweetie, it's my father." " Are you sure?" " I think so." "But I've never seen him in a suit before." "We should go." "No, I want to try one more time." " She wasn't ready." " Oh, dear!" "Let's go home." "Come on." "There, Daddy." "He looks like he's out of it, Eddie." "They can't just leave him here." " It just looks so, sort of..." " Plonked." "He should be against white." "It should be backlit." "No one has thought about it." " Cheer up." " I really think we should all be off." "Has no one got any respect?" "Do not touch the art!" "No one would care if you lot were run over by a bus." "But if one piece of this art gets damaged, several Lloyds' underwriters go homeless." " Come on, Gran, let's go." " Yes, dear, I just have to change my shoes." "You're not going to the church, are you?" "Not unless I'm asked nicely, darling." "Don't come!" "Or to the cemetery." " I asked Bubble to represent me." " Good!" " I might want to go." " Hello, Eddie." " Hello, Pats." " You all right, darling?" " Yeah." "You all right?" " Yeah, well, you know." " What, what?" " Well..." " What, what?" "I mean..." " You know you said the other day..." " that you were going to die?" " Yes, but I might not be now." " Well..." " Shut up." "This isn't easy for me." "It's just that if you were going to die, I would be like totally alone." "I wouldn't have anybody or anything." "You've been the lucky one, Eddie." "You've got a family, a great place to live." "Even that bitch daughter must be some kind of comfort to you." " Yes, but not always." " Not like a dear friend." " No, not like a friend." " You've always been a great friend." " I'd miss you." " Would you?" "And I'd like something to remember you by, if you were, God forbid, to die." "Of course, darling." "I've always been your greatest, your best friend and your protector." " Can I have the house?" " Aw, Pats!" " I was going to give it to Saffy." " Saffy doesn't want it." "She's not here." " All right, all right." " Thanks, Eddie." "She's not here, is she?" "I've been sitting here all alone!" "You're sitting with little wrinkles on your face and she's not here!" "What's the point of grieving if there's no one to see you?" " You're right, Eddie." "You're always right." " Yes, and I should be there." " Shouldn't I?" "He'd want me to be there." " He'd want you to be there." "He'd want me to be there!" " He'd want you to be there, too." " I don't think he'd want me to be there." "If you want the house, darling." "He'd want me to be there!" "He'd want you there!" "Come on, darling." "...Yet to Lord God most holy, the Lord most mighty." "Holy and most merciful saviour, deliver us not into the bitter pain..." "In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life..." "She's very upset, you know." "Let's hope someone fills them in before they get help." "Sweetie!" "Oh, darling!" "Oh, God, sweetie!" "What a day!" "What a day I've had, sweetie, darling!" "I have been at work since I left here this morning." " You want some lunch?" " No, I had lunch in the studio." "Studio, sweetie, studio." "Studio, darling." "Action, lights, camera." " What have you been doing?" " Pop-specs ad." " What?" " You know I represent Pop-specs?" "New ad." " What are Pop-specs?" " What are Pop-specs?" "!" "Are you dead?" "These are them!" "Look, darling." "These are Pop-specs!" "They are great." "Do you see that one?" "Here's another one!" "Schizophrenia!" " They're fantastic!" " How can you upmarket those?" "Patsy has agreed to put them in a fashion shoot in her magazine." "New ad, sweetie, mainly my idea." "It's very clever." "Otherwise my company are left with one minor department store, two student designers, Smudgibars and Lulu paying for your upkeep, darling." "And Lulu is like that, sweetie." "You could show a little enthusiasm." "Why should I be happy that you'll spend thousands of pounds..." "Hundreds of thousands of pounds." "...persuading people to buy some cheap bit of plastic that they don't even want?" "...don't know they want yet that will then be thrown away and sit around polluting the planet." "That's it, is it?" "Can I show you something, sweetie?" "Look!" "What do you think that is?" " It's a sticker with a green tree on it." " Yes." " What does that mean?" " Kind to trees, sweetie." "How are they kind to trees?" "They ain't made of wood." "How kind do you want?" "What a day!" "What a long, tedious day!" " It's 2 o'clock!" " I've been at work all day, Pats." "You're a fool!" "Have you sorted Marrakech?" "Have you phoned Humphrey?" " Yes." "We can stay at his villa." " Fantastic!" "Marrakech?" "Why are you going to Marrakech?" " For the fashion shoot, sweetie." " Why there?" "Are you Magnus Magnusson all of a sudden?" ""Hand on buzzers. " "I don't know. " "Pass. " Just because, all right?" "No, Eddie." "Not just because." "These things aren't chosen at random." " No." " It's supposed to be really beautiful out there." "You spent Christmases out there when you were a child." " You always left me here with Gran." " Well, you got the postcards." "I'm studying the indigenous people of that particular region this term." " Do you want some Bolly, darling?" " Yes, just a smidge." "It would be really great to be able to go there and study." " You don't go Marrakech to study, darling." " No, you don't!" "There are lots of reasons to go to Marrakech and studying is not one of them." "You go to Marrakech for drugs, dirt-cheap plates and rugs." "Easy-going sex with gorgeous under-age youths." "Sex changes, doesn't it, Pats?" "Well, not now anyway." "Still, darling, you don't go there to study some ingenious peasants!" " It would really help me with my course." " No, no, no." " What?" " Mum..." "No, Eddie!" "No, to whatever she's going to say!" " I'm talking to my mother!" " Say no, Eddie." " What?" " Just tell her no." " I don't understand!" " Let me go to Morocco." "Why not let her go to Morocco?" "We're going to Marrakech." "It's in Morocco!" "She is trying to slime her way onto a trip, and we don't want it." " But, Mum!" " Don't you "But, Mum" her!" " Not once do I get to come!" " I don't want her to come!" " Just do whatever you want." " Eddie!" "Well..." "But as your mother, I cannot be held responsible for your well-being." "If you come with us, you're on your own." "Oww!" " She burnt me with her cigarette!" " Accident." "# No, no, no, no!" "No, no, no, no!" "# No, no, no!" "There's no limits...!" "#" "Bubble!" "Bubble!" "Listen, darling." "I need to sort out the Pop-specs business before I go." " Have you switched everything off upstairs?" " Yes." " Let's go before she gets back." " No, stay." "You've got to get the information and figures and things by next week." "Yes, it's right here." " Car's here!" " You left the shower and some bubbly mush on!" "It was bikini wax for you, unless you're happy with those sideburns." " She's not travelling Club, is she?" " No, I put her into Economy." "Practically cargo." " You have got the information, haven't you?" " Most of it, yes." " Or until the special thing broke." " Mum.!" " Hang on." "What thing?" " The thing that's attached to the typewriter." "Little animal with a ball." " What animal?" " Little animal, small." "Creeps about, not a rat." " Gerbil." " Squirrel?" "Hedgehog?" "Don't panic or we'll never get anywhere." " A mouse." " Yes!" "The mouse." " That's got a telly with VD." " The VDU." "The word processor." "Yes." "That fell off the table when I took the mouse home." "Eddie, get rid of her!" "I'm running to a very tight schedule." "Hang on, I'm coming." "This is important." "You broke the computer?" "!" " Yes!" " When?" "Who can say?" "Listen, you bloody brainless bimbo, I need this client!" "I don't need some bollocky vegetable Yankee-bloody-doodle to mess it up for me!" " She's talking to you." " Just go, just go, just go." "Have you got everything?" " Yes." "Got everything." "Tickets!" "Money!" "Passport!" "Where is the photographic equipment?" "Where's the luggage?" "I am sorry." "The equipment must have gone to Tangiers." "The rest, I don't know." "Pop-specs!" "Got it!" "Mum!" "That's my bag." " Unclaimed!" " Mum!" "Help Mummy, darling!" "It's all right, Ed." "Just give me your hand." "Leave it to them." "They can sort it out." "Take that look off your face." "I've got stuff in here you can borrow." " I'd rather wear a yashmak." " That can be arranged." "Just get in the cab and just go, sweetie." "Prepare yourself for the heat." "You're not used to it." " Wake up, Mum." "We're here." " Where?" " I'm never going out again." " Shut up and come on." " Shower!" " Have you seen Humphrey?" "Humphrey est here?" "Thank you, darling." "Blup-blup-blup!" " Want some of this?" " No, thank you!" "Go on, go on." "It's legal here, so you can't disapprove." "In fact, it's compulsory, darling." "They'll bust you for not having one of these down here." "We've been here an hour and already Patsy's got some stuff." "Actually, I brought these with me, Eddie." "Ah, this is the life!" "Yes, this is the life." "God, it's all coming back to me now." " The noise, the smell." " Yes." "It's like everything is on heat." " Remember that sofa and those tiles?" " Gorgeous." "You know, you can't get those tiles and fired earth for love nor money any more." "Even in Holland Park, darling." "It's ridiculous." "Over here they're just hanging around on people's walls." " Even on peasant's walls." " Yes." "We dragged these people screaming into the 20th century." "We gave them all the mod cons." "We gave them the non-squat toilet." "Toilet tissue, darling." "How'd you think they used to wipe their bottoms?" "Old bits of huff-hoof." "Now they can't even be bothered, sweetie, to send us a few cracked old craft tiles!" "I'm fed up with it!" " Are you going to change?" " I haven't got anything!" "I thought Patsy offered you the shoot clothes?" "As long as she shaves her scabby armpits!" "And doesn't sweat over everything." " I washed these." " Have you got a travel-wash with you?" "If you could try to look a little less like a Christian missionary, we'll all be a lot safer." "They're all Muslims round here, you know." "Wow!" "Oh, darling, look at those stars." "It's like talcum powder, isn't it?" "It's just like it goes on forever." " Shooting star!" " Where?" " Where, where?" " No, now it's gone." "Say it quicker next time you see it." "Mum!" "Mum, help me!" "Mum!" " Help me!" "Mum!" " What's happening?" "She's being humped by some laundry!" " Humphrey!" "Darling!" " Good Lord, I didn't see you there." " I'm so sorry." " It's only Saffy." " Humphrey!" " I had a couple of drinks and from behind is the only way she'll ever stand a chance." " I'm very embarrassed." " That's OK." "I hope you didn't think I was some kind of dirty old man." "Oh, good!" "Because that would never do." "I say!" "You're like your mother." "A Bordeaux." "Thank you." "Now..." " Would you like to try a local speciality?" " Yes, I'd love to." "You take a pot of scented honey mixed with goat's cheese yoghurt, sprinkled with almonds from the Atlas Mountains." "You spread it all over your naked nubile young body, and allow a man old enough to be your father to lick it off." "Just like her mother." "Tease, tease, tease." "Are you feeling all right, darling?" "Eat up your little cake." "Go on." "I'm sorry you got off to such a bad start with Humphrey, darling." " And then, you know, then..." " Cigar, old man?" "When we first came over, it was so beautiful." "Just like a little, tiny little oasis here." "Yes, with like a town." "You'll find a couple of quite decent five-star international hotels." " And an airport." " Yes, all right!" "I was trying to be poetic, but..." "I'm studying the indigenous population of the area." "The tribes." "You won't find any of them left." "They're all gone." "They are just a distant memory." " And then the Berbers." " I don't remember them." "American couple." "I think I met them at a cocktail party." "The reason people came here no longer exists." "You can get everything you want here anywhere else much cheaper." " Yes." "Safer." " What?" " Come on, darling." "Sing." " Yes, come on, Pats." "Let's do that Sonny and Cher number." "# They say I... # Hang on, I'll just get this chord right." "# They say... # No." "Patsy, old chap." "Shall we leave the girls to it?" "Let's do that, old boy." " Mum, that was Patsy?" " It was only for a year and then it fell off." "I think I'm going to be sick." "Help me." "How are you feeling?" "I'm feeling good, babe." "Seen Saffy this morning?" "Little toad." "Don't worry." "I don't think she remembers anything about last night." "Hush!" "Here she comes!" "Hi, sweetie." "Did you find the swimsuits?" " Haven't you got any low-cut ones?" " I haven't got any knee-length ones, no." " Have you got cream on, Mum?" " Olive oil." "Want some?" " I think I might have a swim first." " All right, sweetie." "Take this off!" "We're just looking at you, darling." "Quite big tits." "Mum!" "You should have a wax." "That "delapidatory" cream is no good at all." "You can't just sit by the pool all day." "We could be anywhere." " I'm not moving." " We want to recharge after our journey." " You deserve it." " And what about all the shopping?" "Shopping?" "Yes, we should." " We should go shopping, Patsy." " Oh, I think so." "Before you know it, they've found the bloody equipment." " I wish you'd cover yourself up, Mum." " These people don't mind." "I've got to get some jewellery, boxes, bowls, plates, rugs." "What about you, Pats?" " I'll just get some little gorgeous things." " We should've got a guide." "I know this place, darling." "I know these people." "What are they looking at?" "At you." "I know they're looking at me, darling." "You're never going to see any of these people ever again." " Just stare!" "Hello!" " You're asking for trouble." "You see, that's quite nice." "But that's two a penny in Liberty." "One of those khaftan things that the women wear." "That's just a pile of crap." "It's so touristy here now, isn't it?" " I know." "It has changed." " It used to be so chic down here." "Ow!" "That man pinched me." "Darling, don't worry." "He's obviously very old and completely blind." "He didn't pinch me!" "No one's pinched me yet!" "I don't want the bracelets." "You get those for a penny at Liberty." "No!" "Sweetie, darlings!" " I'm starving now." " Do you know what starving means?" "I'm hungry!" "I'm starving!" " I'm starving!" " Stop moaning!" "Let's go to the hotel and get a drink." "Don't they have any bars?" " Where's Patsy?" " Just shops with old dried-up things." "You should feel at home, then." " Shall we go to the hotel and get a nice drink?" " Yes, that'll be nice." " If you're starving, you'd eat this." " If they took the face off, I'd eat it." "I know where it is." "We go through these little stalls here." "We'll just go through here." "Here, darling." "Are you sure?" "Well, I don't know, do I?" "Hold your nose, darling." "Meat!" "Just over there." "Can you see?" "People keep taking things." "We're going over here." "Over there." " I would if I could see where I was going." " Stop moaning!" "I'm trailing behind this little insect." "Shut up!" "Where is Saffy?" "Saffy!" "Eddie!" "For a couple of hours." "She'll be all right." "That's the last time I ever set foot in a toilet bowl in north Africa." "I mean, how dare they spit at me?" "!" "A nation that has a pillowcase with a slit in it as a national costume." "We're back here with clean things, clean air." "Lovely peace and quiet." "Lovely gin and tonic." "I know." "But I still don't think you should've sold Saffy like that." "It wasn't just like that." "I had to haggle them up." "I got a good exchange rate." " What did you get?" " One sour-faced rat for 2,000 dirham." "She wanted to see how the real people lived." "I don't think white slave trade is quite what she had in mind." " It's not as if she enjoyed a normal life anyway." " It might bring something out in her." "She might live in painful servitude for the rest of her life." "Nothing is certain." "Not for any of us." " Cheers, Eddie!" " Cheers!" " For madame." " Mademoiselle." "I'll overlook it this time." "Patsy Stone." "Yes." "Oh, no!" "Are you sure?" "Damn!" "Damn!" "Damn!" " Bad news, darling?" " Yes, the equipment has turned up." "They shoot this afternoon." "I'm going to meet them by this wall." " I don't have to come, do I?" " If you want your sunglasses in the magazine." " Have you eaten something?" " No." "Not since 1973." "This is the wall." "I recognise it from the photograph." "I have to go to see some other people." " "Vogue" will show you up in the mountains." " "Vogue"?" "Yes." "And they have to arrange catering for a movie." " What movie?" " Life of Jesus Christ II." " Who is Jesus these days?" " Charles Dance." " I'll come back and check on you later." " No." "No." "Go away and don't bother coming back." "Just go and don't come back." " Are you sure?" " He's working for "Vogue", Eddie." "Have you seen the way these children are dressed?" "It's a hot country." "Why do they put them all in woolly jumpers?" "You'd think Gap would have spotted the hole in the market." "A population that's crying out for good quality, reasonable kids' casuals." "Oh, shut up, Eddie!" " Do you think they're coming, Pats?" " I need the loo." " What are we going to do?" " Bastard!" "Eddie, I really need to go to the loo now." "We'll just find a hotel or café or something." "You can phone, and I'll go to the loo." "There must be a centre of town somewhere up here." "Order some champagne, darling." "Just go on this side of the bloody road, darling." "The gutter is all right for you in London." "You go on the gutter in front of a whole party of your friends." "Now you're not going to dig a hole and just go here now." "Somewhere over there, somewhere." "This place is enough to make you want to call Sting." "Look, we'll just take what we need and dump the suitcase." "We'll be eating each other in an hour." "We're not going to be worrying about luggage." " But which way do we go?" " I don't know." " Just follow a donkey, darling." " There's a donkey." " Excuse me." " What is that smell?" "I don't know." "I think it's fish." "Ow!" "What's the matter now, darling?" "I thought it was my turn on the donkey." "You said it'd be my turn." " I'm not moving." " What's the matter with you anyway?" "Don't question me!" "There's no bell!" "Hello?" "Hello?" " Have you got a toilet for madame?" " Mademoiselle." " Can't you just go in a hole somewhere?" " Go on, Eddie." "Over there." "Come on!" "Just let me talk to them, sweetie." "Hotel?" "Hotel pour le madame?" "Oh, he could be a mass murderer for all we know." "Here?" "Are you kidding?" "This must be it." "Well, it looks fine, actually." " Stop moaning, Eddie." " I can't stay here!" "Ed, it's lovely." "Just let me in here." "I couldn't resist, darling." "Conran might want that, darling." " The bloody donkey is gone!" " Shit!" "It's my turn on the bloody donkey!" "Mum!" "Damn!" "Oh, darling!" "Sweetie." " Where did you go?" " How are you, darling?" " Patsy." " Yes, fantastic!" "Darling, darling!" "Well, what bad luck!" "It was a joke!" "I didn't think anyone would take you." "It's been a terrible holiday." " It wasn't a holiday, Eddie!" " It was a holiday!" "I haven't got any Pop-specs photos, any merchandise, any shopping." "The only thing I was in danger of sleeping with was a donkey, and even he did a runner." "You must have a good time in your few final days." "You must see the real Marrakech." "Everything from sabre-wielding horsemen to the Elizabeth Taylor caftan." "I'll read from the brochure:" ""Marrakech is an Elysium all of its own." ""Wickedly grinning old men, ready to haggle for hour after hour. "" "I want to know as your mother." ""There's no end to the treats in store." "You'll be treated like film stars. "" "Like Ava Gardner and... companion." "Enjoy!" "Enjoy!" "I have to go and see a camel about a hump." " Here you go." " Fantastic!" "Get plugged in, sweetie." "Come on." "Wake up!" "Oh, God!" "Did I fall asleep here?" "Damn." "Wake up, Pats!" "Wake up, darling." "Let's catch up on a bit of luxury, sweetie." "I'm going to have some breakfast and sit by the pool." "We've got to go, it's Friday." " Friday?" "!" " You've been unconscious for three days." "No!" "What's that smell?" "Is that you, sweetie?" "That honey, yoghurty smell?" "Is that you?" "Why didn't you wake me, sweetie?" "Bettina and Max are coming, and I've got to clear the house." "Bubble's not there any more." "She's gone." "Someone offered her a junior post at "Marie Claire", so I accepted for her." "Let them pay her, darling, while we've got no work on." "So, sweet..." "Sweet...?" "Honey?" " Mum?" " Arghhh!" "What are you doing?" "What's the matter?" "Don't you ever do that again, darling." "Don't ever leave me on my own!" "I was upstairs." "What were you looking at?" " Nothing, sweetie." " Nothing?" " You were checking the fly, weren't you?" " I have to, darling." "It's been 10 years since you saw that film, and Jeff Goldblum is full-sized, wingless and living happily in LA." "I know that, but you'll be laughing on the other side of your face the day you squash something with a tiny human head against that window and it screams, "I'm a professor of physics!" "Take me back to my laboratory!"" "You'll wish you were a Buddhist then." " What drugs were you taking last night?" " Patsy had them, not me." " What?" " I said Patsy had them." "What are you looking at me for?" "Patsy had them." "Patsy had the Ecst..." "Ecstasy, sweetie." "I just said, "No, no to drugs"." "Something kept you going till 3 o'clock this morning." " Just a little coke, sweetie." " As you've got Bettina and Max coming, and I've got a lot of work to do, I thought I'd move into the hall of residence." "Oh!" "Oh...!" "You're just going to leave me, are you?" "You're not gonna stay around and help me, darling?" "All right, then." "Just go!" "There's plenty of food in and the spare bedroom is clean." "Bugger, bugger, bugger." "Bollocks, darling!" " What?" " I was gonna totally refurnish the spare room." "You don't seem to realise that Bettina and Max are coming." " So?" " Bettina, the queen of minimalism!" "Look how I'm dressed today." "Minimalist, darling." "She's coming to London to this!" "She'll think this is what I think is great." ""Objet central," this, you, all this clutter, darling!" " Tidy it up if you don't like it." " I will." "Surfaces, darling." "Where are my surfaces?" "I just want clean lines and surfaces." "I don't want this." "I don't want things on places like that." "Things on places." "I don't want that!" " Is this yours?" " Yes." "Could it not be left around?" "Doesn't it have a home to go to?" "That could've been you talking." "What do you want?" "I've got enough trouble with surplus furniture without occasional old people scattered around." "Have you seen my "Take a Break"?" "I left it here last night." " You left it for someone else to pick up." " It's over there, Gran." " Eat it, clear it, eat it, clear it." " Stop it!" "Let me finish and then I'll help you." "Don't get into such a state!" "Who's that?" "Filling the house up..." "Now, here we are." ""How to win a lifetime's supply of tough melamine stylish garden furniture. "" " You don't have a garden." " They don't know that, dear." " Morning, Eddie." " Morning, darling." "No, no, no, no." "You're gonna have to go." " Come on." "You have to go." " But, dear, I've just..." "Just close your sad rag and clear!" "Come on." " Are we having lunch, Eds?" " I'm too busy." "Close, close, close." " Bettina and Max are coming to stay." " Oh, Bettina!" "How is she?" " You two used to get on so well." " Did they?" "Oh, yes, and I encouraged it." "Far more suitable as a friend than poor sad old Patsy." " She was such a neat girl." " Neat?" "She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture." "Hi." "This is great." "We like it." "We think it's the new millennium." "We're really comfortable here." "We feel it's progressive." "We bought you this." "I want to show you my jewellery collection." "I took inspiration from the new electrographic architecture." "Come and sit down." " Max, have you seen it?" "It's in a white box." " White box..." "Patsy, you shouldn't have come!" "I should've sued." "I was cut to ribbons, I was scarred for life." "Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear." " Sweetie!" " Go on, Eddie, go on." "You're going to tell this trail of cat sick that I was badly injured and not to question me." "No, I was going to say, "Sweetie, darling," ""if you want to help Mama, go upstairs and clear surfaces." "Go on, darling. "" "Take her with you." "Clear her, clear her." "Neat and neat and neat." "Well, you could go too, you know, darling." "No lunch, then, Eds?" "No, unless Bettina arrives early, in which case I'll have lunch with her." "Can I borrow the car?" "No, it's picking Bettina up from the airport." "God, oh, God." " What's the matter?" " I'm not happy." " Well, take the car." "Just go, go." " I don't want the car." "Just go and be unhappy somewhere else." "Go on!" " Don't touch me!" " Bugger off!" "Go on, bugger off!" "Saff!" "Saff!" " Did you go to the spas last week?" " In Florida, yes." "I did the fasting cure." " Cure?" "Is it to cure your fasting?" " It does that, but it was to lose weight." " Oh, that sounds good." "Was it expensive?" " How do you mean?" " Well, does it cost a lot?" " Oh. £500." " What do you get for that?" " Absolutely nothing." "It's taken all bloody day to do a journey that takes a couple of hours." "How many bastards need to look at my ticket and then stare at a computer screen for hours?" "What is the point of asking whether I packed my bag myself?" ""Oh, no, I let some total bastard from the Middle East do it for me. "" " Where's Magda?" " Er..." "Is there a meeting or something?" "Because I'm not ready." "Nobody seems to realise how difficult my job is." "I mean, I've got the cover photo but I haven't fitted the words on yet." "Everybody seems to think that my job just happens!" "I just want to know if she wants lunch." "Is it my turn yet?" "Did you get to the castle on level three?" " What's she doing there?" " Mags nabbed her from Marie Claire." " Does Eddie know you're here?" " Ooooh!" "Where's Mags' diary?" "What's she doing for lunch." "She's got a meeting." " Why haven't you written it in?" " I'm not completely useless, you know." "It's all in here." "It's with someone called..." " It's gone." " I'll wait for her." " Should I get someone to look after you?" " I work here." "Snap!" "I threw out the business-class crap over the Pyrenees." "Managed to nick this off a kid in Economy on my way back from the toilet." " Where have you been?" " Spain." "Off the beaten track in Andalucia." "Forgotten Catalonia, my own secret Mallorca." "More like my own secret arsehole." "Shitty bit of coastline, ruined by patronising English gits." ""Oh, you must come over and share a rather fine local Rioja. "" "Oh, piss off, you sad twat!" "Oh, dear." "Mr Dictionary seems to have deserted us again." "Bettina and Max!" "Clear, clear, clear!" " I'll just say hello and then go." " No, you must get in here." "Flat against the wall, hold your bag close and when they come, you go." " Hi!" " Hi." " Hi." " Hi." " Max, bring me the other cloth." " Where is it?" "Blue bag, not the terry one." "The one that was near the bottle warmer by the playpen." "The bag that fits the buggy or the backpack?" "No, the one that's by the mat near the music centre." "Same material as the sling." " You used it on the plane." " No, I didn't." "Max, we only had those four bags and the Moses basket on the plane." " Is he awake?" "He's moving." " What?" " You can see his face." "What's he doing?" " He's just moving." " Do you want to put that down, darling?" " He won't go down now." "Max can take him in a minute." " We could just put him down..." " No, he won't go down now." " Just let me take him." " Yes, thank you." "That would be nice!" "I've had him since Heathrow and I shouldn't have to be on my last legs before you offer!" " Right." " Right hand." " Bottom... and head." " I've got him." "Yes!" " Do you want a drink, sweetie?" " Yes, I need a drink." " I'll crack open some Bolly." " That's a good idea." " What?" "I'm not intending to get drunk." " That, of course, is up to you." "How are you going to feel if you drop him and you know you had that drink?" "Jocasta says to keep him awake." "Then he might sleep through the night." "Oh, Doctor bloody Spockasta!" "What a good idea." "Listen, you old tart!" "Can we not think of a nicer way of putting this?" "How about," ""We grazed on canapés, feasted on roasted suckling pig and juicy carciofi," ""beneath a bewildering array of stars, beside a pool brimming with azure blue"?" "You can't put, "We all sat around and ate free foreign crap, then vomited. "" " I'm a journalist." " Fair enough." "Honey, darling, could you get that?" "Get that, honey, I can't..." "Somebody get it!" "Damn!" "Yes?" "Yes, all right, I'll tell her." "Mags is out for lunch!" " All right." " Oh, damn." "Aww!" " What you gonna do?" " Don't question me." "I'll ring an old friend." "An old friend?" "Old?" "Meeting an OLD friend?" "Shut up." "I'm meeting a very, very, very dear, dear, dear, dear old friend." "Don't forget your zimmer frame." "It was Caesarean in the end..." "because of complications." "Yeah." "Nothing to do with my age." "Of course, I felt butchered for a couple of months, but..." "I lost the weight almost immediately, which doesn't happen if you have them younger." "You've never lost it, have you?" "You seem to get away with it, despite your criminal dress sense." " Where can I put these?" " Chuck them on the floor." "Yeah." "You know, we tried to be green, but it's just not humanly possible." "Is it on.?" "Can you hear me.?" " If you speak loudly, you'll wake him." " He's in the sitting room." "I'll check that one now." " Do you see anything of that old alcoholic?" " Patsy?" "Off and on, you know, darling." "OK, this is the..." "Shit!" "Shit!" "He should just bring him down, he won't go back now." "Just bring him down!" "Bring him down now!" "Sit!" "Sit!" "Leave it!" " SMA!" "SMA!" " Yes!" "Kettle, kettle!" "Spoon!" "Knife, knife!" "Bottle, bottle, bottle top!" "Teat!" "I'm gonna have lunch with Patsy!" "See you later, darling." "Knife." "Kettle, kettle!" "Where's the... kettle?" "His eyes are open!" "Quickly, where are they?" "We had them on the plane." " Say the words as well." " Yes, yes." "Mummy!" "Mummy!" "Yes!" "Mum-my." "Very, very tired Mummy!" "I was working." "I don't know why I did that, I was over here working." "You don't understand, I was..." " Are you still here?" " Just." " Have you seen Pats?" " Yeah." "Huh, she's not here." " Where is she?" " She's..." " At lunch." " That's right." "With a very old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old friend." "Damn." "You go back to the office now, you've got some work on." " I can't." "I've been headshrunk." " Hunted!" "Headhunted!" "Headhunted by Vogue." "Is that a magazine or something?" "It's a magazine." "Vogue..." "Headhunted... as what?" "Editor." "So there." "Damn." " Oh, Zandra!" "Hi, it's Patsy, Patsy Stone." " Hi." "Yes, I will join you." "Thank you, darling." "Oh, Zandra." "Hello, darling." " You know Britt?" " Oh, hi, Britt." "It's Patsy." " Patsy?" " Stone." "Patsy, Patsy Stone." "Stone, Patsy." "Patsy Stone." "Oh, Patsy!" "Oh, Brit!" "Brit..." "Bri..." "Br..." "B..." "Pats!" "Pat..." "Pa..." "P..." " What would you like to drink?" " A bottle of red, please." " No, thank you." "I don't drink." " Some water, please." "Just one will do, then." "Yah." "Yah." "Oh, look." "It's little Lulu." "Hi, Lu!" "Lulu, Lulu, hello!" "I'm not meeting you, am I...?" "Edina." "We've met before." "I know, but I'm not having lunch with you." "I'd rather sit on my own." " No, you wouldn't." "No, you wouldn't." " Let go of my jacket." " I need to talk to you." " Not about those benefits or awful parties?" " I've not forgiven you for the Albert Hall fiasco." " Sorry about that." "I'm sure it said on the invitation that it'd be lovely if you got up and did a few numbers." " There wasn't even a band." " It was for charity." "What do you want?" " It's a..." " I'm off." "I may well have a gun in my bag." "I will shoot you and then try very hard to turn it on myself if you leave." "I will pay for the meal." "And for the champagne." "And a substantial donation to the charity of your choice, all right?" "Three courses and a pudding, and don't talk to me." "Don't smoke." " I'm starving." " Lulu..." "What would you like, Lulu?" " I'd like one of those." "And two of those." " Yes, Lulu." " And I'll have three of these..." " Steady on, sweetie." "Champagne for Lulu!" "Fantastic, isn't it?" "Like a reunion." " Where did you two first meet?" " It was in a make-up shop in Carnaby Street." "Lady Jane's!" "That was the first time." "Remember, I was having my tits painted?" " As what?" " To look like tits." "It was fantastic." "And then we two used to work together all the time." " I think we did a session." " You wanted my body and your clothes." "We just worked and worked..." "I need that dress out at the sides." "What is she doing?" "Come on, pull yourself together!" "Oh, no, it's just..." "Oh, no!" "I only took her because she's your friend." "I just felt sorry for her." "I hardly know her." " I'll come and see you." " Bye, sweetie." "Bye, Zandra." "Bye, sweetie!" "The Sixties." "Those were the days, eh, Britt?" "The Portobello Road..." " The King's Road." " The Carnaby..." "Road, Biba, Quant." " Vidal." " Tuffin and Foal, the Shrimp." " The Twig." " The Stones, the Beatles, the Marquee." " The Small Faces." " Terry and Julie." " Peter and Gordon." " Jack and Michael." " John." " Mary." "I don't know you at all, do I?" "No..." " The bill, please!" " Ah, that was delicious, thanks." "Now she talks, now she talks." "I was gonna say, I really enjoyed your last single, "Independence"." " I've had two since then." " Have you?" "I didn't know about that." "Ridiculous, I thought you'd just gone quiet." "You know what you need?" "You need a really good publicity machine." "Who does your PR?" "You do." "Britt, how are you doing?" "Good to see you!" "I just had a great lunch..." "Lulu?" "Lulu, Lulu...!" "Bye, Britt!" "Bye, sweetie, ciao!" " Hello, darling." " I came because you said it was an emergency." "It is an emergency, darling!" "Look at this place." "Look at this, look." "Lacroix, baby's puke." "Lacroix, baby's puke." "It is an emergency!" " They've got to go!" " I thought she was your friend." "She is my friend, but now it's "The baby this, the baby that", darling." "Nobody's paid enough attention to you." "Have you tried talking to her?" "Helping her?" "Help..." "Helping her?" "Helping her!" "Where's the fun in that, darling?" "Look at this!" "Where have all my surfaces gone, darling?" "It's like living in a small regional branch of Mother-bloody-Care." "They've gotta go so I can return to some degree of normality." " Whatever that is." " It's not this no-fun bloody baby world." "I've managed to help poor Bettina a little with the baby." "She made so much fuss, I thought it wise to call the doctor." "The baby was making some very strange noises." " Is everything all right?" " He might be going down with a cold." "The doctor is not sure, but, anyway..." "He's gone to sleep in our bed, so Max can take the sofa tonight and I'll take the travel cot." " Are you all right?" " Oh, yes." "I'm so sorry I fainted." "I was never very good with nappies of the brown variety." "Well, I think I'll..." "I think I'll turn in." "Go on, then." "I don't know how you can, but go on." " He's asleep now, the baby thing?" " Yeah." " You should get some sleep while he is." " This is the only time I have for myself!" "She's lovely, isn't she?" "You can amuse her, I'm going to bed." " Good night." " Good night." " Has he got any teeth yet?" " Oh, Jesus!" "You can talk to me about other things." "I'm not a complete vegetable!" " Sorry if I seem snappy..." " It's all right." "Having a baby can make one very depressed." "I know." "You've got a lovely baby and Max." "He's obviously very fond of you." " And he's very good-looking." " Really?" " You really think so?" " Oh, yes." "You're just tense." "You need to unwind and relax." "I know you're right." "I don't know how he puts up with me, actually." "What if someone comes.?" "I don't care if the witch catches us." "Slow down, Max." "I can't." "It's so long since I did it." "Is that it, darling.?" "Is that Radio 4, dear?" "I had to, darling." "They had to go." "Hi, sweetie." "Sorry I was so long, darling." "Had to clear out my wardrobe." "Horrible, unfashionable clothes that I simply would not wear, because they are not in fashion." "I put them in a pile to throw out." " I thought you put them on, dear." " What's that doing here?" "I thought I'd make the most of the house while you can still afford it." "Thank you." "How is it when I look at you all I see is wear and tear?" " I say, I remember those trousers." " No, you don't." "Still hung on to those." "I'm surprised you can still get into them." "It was rather like trying to get toothpaste back into the tube even then." "These are new." "Tell her, Saffy, the Seventies are back." "Does that mean you'll be voting Labour again, dear?" "I always voted Labour, sweetie." "I'm only talking about fashion." "Thank God." "I wouldn't want to go through that childhood again." "Darling, make Mummy a cup of coffee." "Darling, sweetie." "From the machine." " Oh, chapaccino." " Ca-pu-cci-no, all right?" "Oh, go on, darling." "Make the most of Mummy, before you run away to be a student." "Oh, you told her, dear." "Well done." "Why anybody wants to be a student nowadays is a mystery to me." "No fun, darling." "No demos, no experimental drug taking." "You're just industry fodder, darling." "At least in my day people used to go to university to close them down." "What will your protest be?" "Stripy tights and Liquorice Allsort earrings?" " Call out the National Guard." " She's just jealous, dear." " I could've been a student." " "Thick as two short planks," her report said." "It did not say that!" "It did not say that." "Ask Patsy." "She wrote most of them." " There's no milk." " Haven't Harrods been yet?" " They're normally here by now." " I'll pop out and get some." " That'd be a complete waste of money." " How would you know?" "When was the last time you bought a carton of milk?" "A carton...?" "Stop it, let's not get all hung up about money, darling." "It's all pounds, shillings and pence to me." "Probably was, the last time you had anything to do with it." "The Queen carries more cash." "Your whole life is on account." " I'll have it black, all right?" " I'll have a black chapuccino, Saffy." " Espresso." " Yes, I am in rather a hurry." "As a matter of fact, I'd better be off." "I want to catch the post." "Oh, dear." "What a strange archaic little world you live in." " Bye, Gran." " Just leave." "Oh, that reminds me." "Just leave, and go straight out that front door." "Do not go upstairs to my bedroom and steal things." "I don't know what she's talking about." "She's deranged." "I passed that sad little excuse for a charity shop yesterday." "I saw your little piece of handiwork in the window." "Must be the only genuine Lacroix, Versace, quilted bedspread in existence." " Gran!" " It was in a bin liner." "It was my dry-cleaning!" "Get out." " Bye, Gran." " Goodbye, dear." "By the way, if you do hit hard times and if there's anything you need to sell, my friend Hermione has this little shop." ""Bric 'n' Brac 'n' Knick 'n' Knacks-any old things." ""Any old junk taken"." "Why don't you trade yourself in?" "Get out, go." " She'd give you a very good price." " Just leave." "I'm only trying to help." " Arriva derky." " Bye, Gran." "Gran." "Gran?" "Mum and Gran?" "Mum and Gran, Mum and Gran." "Depressing." "It's like something out of EastEnders." "You could find a more appropriate name for that thieving old person." "Like Moomy or Nanu or Old Kaka." "Light, light, light, light!" "Light!" "Light!" "Light!" "Light!" " Oh, dear, Pats." "Honestly." " Bloody hell!" "Not another no-smoking cab, Pats?" "They must see you coming these days." "Bloody bastard asthmatic cab driver." "I hope you refused to pay him this time." "It was one of your account cabs, Eds." "You should get him fired." "Not only do you want the man to die of passive smoking, you also want to deny him a living." " I suppose we're shortening your life, are we?" " If only." "For your information, you'd have to take big lung bucketfuls to make any difference." "Not little wasp breaths." "And excuse me if I sue when I die prematurely of passive boredom." "Of dull as dishwater daughter-induced stress, all right." "Whole hour it took." "I nearly didn't make it." " Why didn't you use those nicotine patches?" " I did." "They're all dead now." "Can you take the ones off my back?" " Ready?" " Yeah, yeah." " Ready?" " OK." "They're actually leeching something out of your skin rather than the other way around." " She's probably recharging them." " Careful." "Don't rip so hard." "Be careful." "At her age the flesh slides off the bone like a well-cooked chicken." "There are some people who'd pay a lot of money for Patsy's body." "Morticians." "How much do you think you'd get for a ready-embalmed carcass?" "No wonder she's always been refused a donor card." "Go on, get her, get her." "Wasp, sweetie." " Oh, my car's here." " I thought a little mosey down Bond Street." "A little sniff around Gucci, sidle up to Ralph Lauren, pass through Browns and then on to Quags for a light lunch." "Tell her." " I've just got to pop into..." " Mum!" " I've got to meet my accountant." " Why?" "Because her bastard father and Marshall are trying to cut off my alimony payments." " She's been bleeding them dry for years." " Do you want us to be poor?" " You'll be poor...?" "!" " That's got you worried." "Eddie, we simply cannot allow them to cut us off like this." "Listen, sweetie, it is not alimony, it is compensation." "For what?" "It's damages for those long crippling hours of labour I went through on your behalf." " You had a Caesarean." " Yes, I know I had a Caesarean but... how do you think it feels to see your stomach still smiling back up at you?" " Let's go." " Let's go, darling." "Little meeting, big lunch." "Do you think Quags or Daphne's?" " Don't panic, everything's under control." " Mum, relax, we are a bit early." "He's not here." "Let's make a quick getaway before the bastard arrives." " No, we can't, darling." "Where's Bubble?" " Is this it?" "Oh, gosh." "Bubble, wake up!" "Wake up, darling!" "Like a tea-break on a Thunderbird set." "Somebody operate her, please!" "Creepers..." "Blimey, you're 'ere!" "Was I asleep?" " Hard to tell." " I must've been here for hours." " I'll be really annoyed if I missed lunch." " It's eleven o'clock." " I'm just really tired." " Do we have to listen to all this?" " We have time on our hands, thanks to Saff." " I turned on the..." " what-do-you-call-it this morning." " Radio?" "I want to say telephone." "No, it's not right." "It's not right..." "You look at it." " Television." " That's it." "Good Morning Television." "Hello!" "Which I don't normally do because I find myself falling back to sleep like that." "Good Morning Television, my God." "If they could market that in pill form, Switzerland would plunge into a recession." "So they said, "Leave home now, there's a strike on the buses. " It was really urgent." " So I did, and I got here hours ago." " On the Tube?" "No, I only live down the road." "I walk here." "So they must be bonkers." "I wonder what they tell everyone else." "Have you seen my accountant?" " She's talking to you." " Oh..." "What does he look like?" "He looks like an accountant, doesn't he?" "A paper-pusher, always dealing with salaries larger than his own, and resenting every second." "Mum, come on!" "How many times can you go to the toilet?" "I had to get rid of Bubble." "I don't want her knowing my business." "Chance would be a fine thing." "Sorry, Malcolm." "You make my money look like less so my husband can't cut me off, all right." " First of all we should look at the fiscal..." " Oh, God, I'm bored!" "Don't be intimidated, Eddie." "Look at him!" "There's nothing macho about having "O" level Maths, a floppy disc and a personality bypass." "Mum, this meeting is for you!" "Malcolm has come to help you." "Now, sit down and shut up!" "I'm sorry, Malcolm." " OK, go on." " First, the question of alimony is settled." " There we are." "Come on, Pats." " You're no longer receiving payments." " What?" "!" " You bastard!" " They can't do that." " They have." "You knew about this, didn't you, sweetie?" "Malcolm..." " Am I... poor?" " Just yes or no." "Let me explain..." "If you expend the 38%, then all liabilities with the necessary adjustments can be done in respect of your company, which I find rather exciting." "With the accumulation of overpayments on outstanding tax liability, a lesser amount is due." " So, let's move on to the..." " I just want to know how much money I've got!" "Why will you never tell me?" "I've got two businesses, haven't I?" "Oh, yes, your "businesses"." "Why did you do that?" "What's that?" "What's that?" "This is... this is a top PR company." "There must be money in it, isn't there?" "There will always be talented, creative people in need of publicity." "If they were talented and creative, they wouldn't need me." " We're talking "Planet Hollywood"." " Exactly." " There's not much profit at the moment." " What about my shop?" "We were wondering about that in the office." "Stock goes and comes, but isn't paid for." " Most of it is in our sitting room." " Darling, you didn't have to tell him that!" " I'd like to think of my home as a showroom." " Tell Mum what she can do." "Listen, Mum!" "You could sell off your... businesses and live quite happily on the proceeds." "Are you mad?" "Do you mean make myself unemployed?" "Have you any idea what the government do to unemployed people, darling?" "They are forced to do community service!" "Putting loft insulation into urine-stinking old people's homes for the incontinent!" "Not me, darling!" "You two conspirators can think again." "Well, we'll have to go through your monthly bills and see where a cut could be made." "Business, business!" "That's my flowers-business." " Pedicure and nose plugging?" " Busin..." "Don't look at me like that!" "It is very important for business for me to look good, and that costs money!" "I'm not like Saffy." "I can't walk around looking like..." " A stale old piece of toast." " Exactly." "It takes more than a cold flannel and some Body Shop oatmeal scrub for me, you know." "I can't meet clients smelling like an old bowl of porridge." "These are valid business expenses." " Jit Sag?" " My shiatsu." " Jeffrey Weinbaum?" " Decorator." "This one comes up again and again." "Don Alphonso de Colombo." " It's... wicker baskets." " Parasite!" "Stop getting at Patsy!" "It's not her fault, you know." "We have to do all this, and he's doing nothing about this huge amount of tax I pay!" "I'm doing everything I can within the law." "What is the point of having an accountant if he's within the law?" "I might as well do it myself." "In fact, I will." "Write him off." "Wasp, sweetie, wasp." "She's gone to choose a smaller car." "I told her to get rid of that driver and the limo." "You didn't tell her I was paying for you to go to university?" " I had to." " Oh, no." " It is all right money-wise?" " Dad, she's not poor!" "She's got more money in little investments than is safe for her to know about." "We just frightened her into slimming everything down a bit." "She's not a great slimmer." "She could eat air and put on weight." "I intend to keep her thinking she's poor for a while." "It may cut the worst of her excesses." " They say all daughters turn into their mothers." " Dad!" " Oh, Jesus Christ!" "= Saff?" "Dad's here." "Don't forget what you agreed." "I am civilised to my platform toes, darling." " Hello, Justin." " Edwina." "Can I get you a little coffee or something from my new machine?" "I'm not sure whether we have coffee left, since Harrods no longer visit me daily." "The only delivery we get nowadays is from the Red Cross." "I could just go through the motions." "It'd be a little bit like our marriage!" "Isn't it rather lovely for you to see Mummy and Daddy sharing a joke like that, sweetie?" "I'm really glad you're taking this so well." "I just can't believe that you'll send that to further education!" "What kind of father are you?" "All right, darling." "Patsy and I are off shopping." "Pats?" " Just." " Pats." " Did you get a smaller car?" " Miniscule, darling." " Practically a bicycle." " It's this big, this big..." "Here's the list." "Shopping list..." "Shopping list for Mum." "Thank you, darling." "Milk." "Milk?" "Where am I supposed to go for milk?" " Food Halls." "On the left, past Facial." " Might as well get the lot there." "You can't get the food shopping from Harrods." "You can't expect people who live in Knightsbridge to eat out all the time." "Go to the supermarket." "The what, darling?" "Supermarket shopping." "Eggs, cod steaks, apples for Saffy." " That's not the car." " Smallest one I could find." "Barely room for the basket." "No room for you, darling, unless Patsy wants you on her knee." "She doesn't want you." "Safety first." "Bye, sweetie!" "Let's have the roof off." "It's bloody hot." "Ow, ow, pull over, pull over." "My hair!" "Hang on..." "That's better." "Go for it, Eddie!" "Walk!" "Come on!" "Road!" "This is a road!" "There used to be a supermarket here." "What?" "What?" "Come on!" "Don't you shake your fist!" "Watch your language!" "Watch your foul language!" "Stupid cow!" "Come on, Eds, let's go." "Hello?" "Take a trolley, Pats." "Take a trolley." " Here we are, Ed." " No, darling, I can't push any more." " But, sweetie..." " I haven't got the strength." "Come on." " It's all three." "All three here, all right?" " Eddie..." " Eddie, please, please, please." " Oh, darling, champagne..." "Put it underneath." "Just a big shop for me, this." "Working mum." "Where could we park?" "We've been around four times." "I'm just going to put it in here." "Just go here." "That's OK." "They know me here." "I haven't got all day." "Fifth floor, we might start there." "EDIN Darling, my shoes..." "Thank you." "Slow down when I have these shoes." "Eddie, what's this?" "What is this?" "Has that been there all the time?" "How do you get it off?" "What is it?" "Why does it have to be in some underground shame-hole like this?" "Is this the car clamp club?" "I've got this on my car." "It's a clamp, all right?" "I left it there for ten minutes, understand?" "Ten minutes!" "Until I get the car insured-it's a very expensive car" " I have to park it where I can see it." "Come by, come by!" "What?" "What?" " What?" "What?" " Step out of the car, please." "Are you not gonna help?" "Pig!" "What do you want?" "What are you doing to her?" "I was just taking my friend to a hospital." "She's sick." "Eddie, I..." "Help!" "You pig!" "Driving without a licence or insurance, not wearing a seatbelt, having no tax disc displayed, driving over the legal speed limit, driving under the influence of alcohol, allowing another person to drive your vehicle under the influence of alcohol," "in the region of £5,000 of parking fees owing," "£6,000 of damage to property, charges of assault and abuse." "The charges of attempted murder and robbery have been dropped." "Shoplifting." "My name is Patsy Stone, I'm an alcoholic." "What she did was an act of humanitarian mercy." " That is hardly a reason to steal champagne." " Have you any idea what it costs these days?" "I was forced to steal." "My daughter wouldn't let me buy it." "I must ask you to sit down and stop wasting the court's time." "The sum of £50,000 to be paid by you in damages, and a further fine of £2,000." "You will also be liable for all costs incurred." "Getting rid of the driver was a little bit of false economy, wasn't it?" "...a lifetime ban on driving, and finally, Mrs Mon..." "Can I just say one word in my defence?" "I don't think that's a good idea." "Your mouth is working for the prosecution." "This is what I do well, sweetie." "You might get some tips for the Debating Society." "Without notes, Saff." "Thank you, thank you." "I, the proposed accused, think that..." "I mean, the day in question was not a good day for me, all right." "But I don't see how any day could've been the way this bloody country is run." "I was just trying to do my best." "Trying to get from A to B, do a little shopping." "I was trying to take control of my life." "Only to find that actually it is controlled for me by petty bureaucracy and bits of bloody paper and ignorant bloody petty rules and laws that just obstruct every tiny action, until you find you've committed a crime without even knowing it." "I mean, you know!" "Why can't life be made a little easier for everybody?" "Why can't it be more like the Continent?" "Where a man can park his car on the pavement, run down the street in front of charging bulls whilst letting fireworks off out of his nostrils without anyone blinking an eye." "It's probably a local holiday and they all want to have just a little bit of fun, and they are not intimidated by some outdated work ethic!" " There has to be more to life than being safe!" " Is there a point to all this?" "Yes, yes." "Why, oh, why do we pay taxes?" "Just to have bloody parking restrictions and buggery ugly traffic wardens and bollocky pedestrian bloody crossings." "And those bastard railings outside shops so you can't even get in them!" "I know they stop stupid people running into the street and killing themselves, but we are not all stupid and we don't all need nurse-maiding!" "I mean, why not just have a stupidity tax." "Just tax the stupid people!" " Let them die!" " Yes!" "Any more of this ridiculous rant and I'll put you both away!" "Hear, hear!" "Edwina Margaret Rose Monsoon, I hereby sentence you..." " Community Service." " Oh, you've come to do the loft." "Come in." "It's all your bloody fault, this." "Fire!" "Mum, wake up, fire!" "Fire Service, please. 34 Claremont Avenue, London W114BS." "Thank you." "Come on, let's wait outside." " Mum, come on, there's a fire in the kitchen." " I'm just putting something on." "We're gonna die if we don't get out." "It doesn't matter what you wear." "I just hate all my clothes." "Why have I never got anything to wear?" "What shall I put on?" "I'm just so fat, fat, fat, fat." " Why won't my cells stop multiplying?" " Mum, there is a fire downstairs!" "We must evacuate the building now!" "Easy for you to say, you've got a bloody uniform!" " It's nice that you..." "Where did you get those?" " That's about it, then." " What could've caused it?" " Could've been a cigarette." " Patsy!" " Where was she?" "She couldn't be down there." "She'd never let six grown men out alive." "She can't be..." "Patsy!" "She inhaled our kitchen!" "I just nodded off." " Hello." " Shoes off, sweetie." "Shoes off." "Hello, darling." "Sit." " You should do something about Patsy." " What do you mean?" " Send her to a clinic before she kills us all." " She's been to a clinic." "They didn't have enough room for the toxic waste they pumped out of her." "Even Japan refused to take it." "She's been dried out." "It made absolutely no difference." " Pats!" " Hello, Eddie." "It's a beautiful day out there." "The sun's so bright it's almost blinding, like shards of glass piercing the clouds." "Every second of my journey here is in my memory." "I feel fantastic." "Champagne?" "Oh, yeah, thanks." "If Pats wanted to do something about it, she would." "Give me a hand." " What are you doing?" " Throwing out all my clothes." " Why?" " For insurance, er..." " It's fire damage, darling." " I could take this down to the charity shop." "You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor." "Surely they have enough to contend with without the humiliation of wearing last season's." "Why would you buy something and not wear it?" "I don't know." "Is this The Krypton Factor?" "Should I do the obstacle course now?" " Have you made a decision about the kitchen?" " No, but I will." "We should change it." "I was bored of the old one." "Damn!" "They could do this room, too." "I hate Japanese now." "This was your dream." "I wondered how long it'd last." "I'm fed up with stubbing my toe on everything, sweetie." "And getting down on a futon is one thing, but getting up is quite another." "It's lucky everything's at ground level." "I can get to it just by rolling." "Look." "Put those in there." "Help your mama up." " Are you going out tonight?" " Yes." " Good." "I've got friends coming round." " Then definitely!" "We've got to watch a documentary on TV." "Oh, all right." "What is it that's different about you today?" "What is it?" "You've got the top button open." "What are we calling this?" "A blouse, a blouse." " Have your shoulder pads slipped?" " Stop it!" "You're becoming a bit of a big girl, aren't you?" "Oh, that'll be the swatches." "Don't take any of those clothes to the homeless while I'm downstairs." "I haven't forgotten that time I was accosted by that deranged down-and-out meths drinker who leapt out of a cardboard box wearing a Vivienne Westwood catsuit and Chanel mules." " Still haven't recovered from that, sweetie." " Only because he looked better in them." "I like them all." "I like every picture." "I like, I want, I want." "Every picture in here." "I want people to think I'm all these types of thing, you know." " I know it should reflect my personality..." " God forbid." "Sweetie, this is it style-wise - Irish crofter's cottage." "Mum, it's a kitchen." "It needs a cooker, not a peat-fired oven." "Can't be bothered to think about it now." "Well, when?" "We can't go on living in this room like this." "House not big enough for you?" "Let me see what I can do." "Hang on." "No, sweetie, no." "It's as big as it gets, darling." "It's not big enough for you to hog the room with your friends to watch dull, nil-rated narrated doco." " Stop it!" " I rather like it." "It's a bit like the war, dear." " Like the war?" " Leave it, Mum." "What do you mean it's a bit like the war?" "Without the drab fashion, the powdered egg, the rationing, the bombing... without the war." "It's a bit like the war without the war!" "You always have to say something, you can't let anything just go by!" "I can, I can." "Mum, I want Channel 4." "You're going out, aren't you?" "Mum?" "Am I allowed to open my mouth?" "Am I allowed to open my mouth?" "If I am, then yes, I'm going out when Patsy gets here." "Oh, it's just news." "Can't we have MTV?" " No, I don't want to miss it." " What's it about, dear?" " Well, in layman's term..." " Sex, is it?" " The beginnings of life." "Conception to birth." " Birth has changed so much since my day." " What do you mean it's changed?" " They whip you into hospital, no questions asked, and take your tonsils out as a precaution." " We're much more relaxed these days." " We?" "Are we?" "In my day they could incarcerate you in a high-security asylum" " just for not having a whiter-than-white wash." " Gran." "Yes, dear, and in those days it was the bromide sedatives or ECT." " What's ECT?" " Electric shock treatment, dear." "It's all highly addictive." "I still can't pass a plug socket without the urge to put my finger in." "Well, I wish you would." "Don't be so impressed with her, anyway, sweetie, darling." "Darling." "Sweetie, darling." "Sweetie-darling." "Sweetie-darling." "You don't mind me calling you that, sweetie-darling?" "It's hard to break a habit like that after so many years." "It started because you couldn't remember my name for the first three years." "Don't be ridiculous." "You didn't have a name for the first four." "It." "Thing." "Thing-It." "Kettle Crisps?" "Kettle Crisps...?" "You don't normally have these for your friends." "There's always some dried old pumpkin seeds and a pack of Golden Wonder." "I can feel one of my heads coming on." "Have you any aspirin?" "Or some of that homophobic remedy you gave me last time?" " Homeopathic." "I'll get them." " You knew that." "We're not amused." " What are you doing here?" " Just keeping Saffy company, dear." "She doesn't need your sort of old woman company." "You're a burden to her." "Hang out with some people your own age for once." "Hopefully she'll get horribly lonely and find a life." "Why are these bottles all empty?" "They were in your room." " I was very sick last night, darling." " All of them?" "Well, I was hungry!" "It was the only thing that didn't have calories in it." " Eddie!" " Here she is, the human barbecue." " Are we going out, Eddie?" " Yes." "Do you want a little drink first?" " I'll just nip home and get an aspirin." " Good." "You have to lock the door with the key until we get it replaced." "I think I can manage that." "Give it to her!" " It's Top of the Pops." "We've got time?" " There's no rush." " You can't stay." "You promised!" " We're going in a minute." "What's happened to this programme?" "Can't they find a presenter who doesn't look like a mannequin from Next children's department?" "The bands are old crap." "Didn't like them the first time." "Somebody shoot Genesis." "Look." "Evil-looking creeps playing dull, soulless dance music." " You're showing your age." " I hate this 70s revival stuff." "Yeah, it's all watered-down crap." "Look, Lenny Kravitz, number 30, thinks he's Jimi bloody Hendrix." "The genius of Hendrix was that he could stand up, he was so pumped full of drugs." "Exactly!" "He could've choked any second, that was the thrill." " Who dies in their own vomit these days?" " Nobody!" "I wish some of them would, though." "I don't think that" ""Kylie chokes on vegetarian sausage after not-drinking binge in safe celebrity nightspot"" "hasn't quite the same ring about it." "Sorry, darling, I know you like her." "You can't play rock and roll on a diet of Quorn, Veggie juice and Linda bloody McCartney's tofu treats!" "I've seen the ones you have in the fridge." "It's getting out of control, all these new revivals." "Soon we'll be reviving what we had last week!" "Get your clothes back from the dry cleaners and it's a revival!" "Endless stream of old music, new music, old, new, fashion, music, music, music, music." "It's like a mirrorball spinning around inside my head." "Why won't it just stop?" " For most people at your age it does." " Switch it off, sweetie." " Give me the Stones any day." " Yeah." "Eddie, remember that weekend with Mick and the boys?" "Fantastic!" "Fabulous days." "Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie." "Well, sort of." "Woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once." "That was going steady for the 60s, believe me." "Look, Mum, if you're not watching TV, can you just go?" "What is your problem?" "What is your problem?" "You don't have to get rid of your mother so you can have your boyfriend round." "We'd be out of here like a shot if there was a chance of you having a heavy snogging session..." "Kettle Crisps, top button..." " Sweetie, you have...!" " Don't!" "I've got to make a phone call." "No, no, no, no." "Oh, my God, I'm having a palpitation." "She's scored, she's scored." "Hang on." " We'll go as soon as he gets here." " I don't want you to meet him." "I'll go now." "We're going now." "Move out of the room, Pats, slowly." "Slowly, slowly, don't frighten Saffy." "Go to the door, go to the door." "Sofa, crisps." "Undo your buttons." " Open the door!" " It's stuck!" " It's locked!" " That stupid bloody woman!" " It's not her fault!" " The door didn't lock itself!" " She just misunderstood what door I meant." " What happened?" " We're locked in, Pats." " No, no, no!" "Out of the way, I'm going." "It opens inwards." " Leave it, Pats." " How long?" "What if there's a fire?" " She went to get an aspirin." " Phone's dead, darling." " The fire knocked that out." " Don't look at her like that." "The amount you forgive that old woman!" "She's the one who locked us in here." "We wouldn't be here if you hadn't been planning your disgusting snogging session with your lover boy!" " Shut up!" " Don't tell her to shut up." "She's just trying to be nice." "Come on, it's all right." "Don't be uptight about it." "Let's talk about it." " Don't be so embarrassed..." " Stop it!" "How long does it take that old woman to score a tab of aspirin?" "I could score acid quicker." "If there's anything you want, if you want to use my bedroom, I don't mind." "You know, if he wants a condom or anything." " Or a blindfold." " Shut up!" "How come she gets a date?" "I don't get dates any more." " You get dates, don't you, Pats?" " Oh, I get dates, yeah." "Only if she pays the right price." "You want a little nibble, sweetie?" "Bombay Mix?" "Listen to Mummy's funny voice doing that again:" "Bombay Mix." " Why didn't you tell me about him?" " I didn't want you to know about it." " I'm your friend." " No." "I'm your friend, Eddie." "You don't need her." " Have you any idea how exciting this is for me?" " Yes." "It's my duty to guide you through your first sexual experience, darling." "You know the facts of life." "I did..." "I did tell you the facts of life, didn't I, sweetie?" "If you mean that time you woke me at 2 am, stoned out of your brain, and slurred:" ""By the way, sweetie, people have it off," then yes, you told me the facts of life." "Well, if there are any gaps you want me to fill in..." "Mum, I need to watch that programme." "Oh, no, it's not the documentary, is it?" "We can't watch that." "Claire Rayner narrating the journey of the sperm." "Like a cookery demonstration by Hannibal Lecter." "We can't watch that." "No way." "No, darling." "If you wanna learn about that sort of thing, you should do it like every other normal girl." " How?" " Cosmo sex quiz, sweetie." "Come on." "Cosmo sex quiz." "We'll do it together, we'll do it together." "Mum and daughter will do it together." "Shall we, sweetie?" "There it is." "It's multiple choice, darling, all right?" "A, B or C." "A. Is he shaggable?" "B. Are you shagging?" "C. Have you shagged?" "A nil rating on that one for you." "What other advice can we give her?" "Be careful of wigs." "Don't listen to that one, sweetie." "Always get his number, 'cause he'll never call you back." "That's a good one." "B. Snogging." "Who's snogging?" "I'm not much of an expert on snogging." "I had two husbands." "One was too short, one was gay." "If you want to know how to peck a dwarf when he's wearing your dress, I'm your girl." " Ignore her, Eddie." " God, just like an emotional yo-yo." "You're upset, sweetie?" "I saw crying." "I'm upset too, sweetie." "Mummy's upset as well." "Give me a hug, darling." "Squish, squish." "Aww, squish, squish." "I can't do that thing you do." "I can't do that... tears thing you do." "Squish, squish." "Come on, don't go all silent on me." "Where's the horrid little budgerigar?" " You all right?" " I will be." " What can I do?" " Nothing, I'm OK." "Miserable little turnip." " It's a good sign." " What?" "That you're crying, sweetie." "You should get in touch with your feelings." "I am in touch with them." "I don't have to pay £3,000 for some cross-legged conman to tweeze them out for me!" "Con-man?" "Sher Abu Korma, darling." "He's a genuine reincarnation of Abu Babu, high priest of the spiritual leader, Sag Aloo." "Con-man...?" "Besides, I've checked." "He doesn't keep all the money for himself." "Half of it goes to the rebirthing centre, and half of it goes to pay off the debts he ran up in a previous life." "There's a vegetarian lunch included in that price, don't forget that." "God, honestly." "Look what you made me do!" "Look at this!" "Look at this, look." "You've made me go foetal." "I've gone all foetal." "Aw, Mama." "I've been rebirthing." "You should try that, darling, yeah." "That she was born once is enough for me." "Here I go, sweetie." "This is all your fault." "Here I go." "Down through all those tubes." "Hello, organs." "Hello, ovaries." "Just one last little cough for me, mummy-to-be." "There we are." "Untouched by human hand." "Get that away from me!" "Where am I?" "Clank, clank, clank." "It's all those lights, sweetie." "That woman's got a lot to answer for." "She made "Eraserhead"look like "Emmerdale Farm"!" "She didn't take her rubber gloves off for the first 12 years." "Injections, injections, chemicals, chemicals, polio, vaccine, vaccine, bottle, chemicals." "My generation made ICI what it is today." "No wonder we turned flower power." "At least Gran loved you." "I know you never wanted me." "I know I was a mistake." "Pretty accurate so far." "Not a mistake, sweetie, just a little miscalculation." "What difference does it make now, sweetie?" "The difference between knowing you're wanted and knowing you're not is quite big." "It's like going to a party where you're not invited, no matter how polite people are." "Clever thing to say, eh?" " You think you gatecrashed my party." " I know I did." "Oh, you little bitch troll from hell." "You mean ungrateful little bit of dirt!" "You think you've had it so hard." "I never had the things you had when I was born." " Here we go." " I never had friends, parties or presents." "The first few years of my life, I was just locked in the room." "Or trailing along behind my mother in her sickening musk-laden wake, hoping that she'd turn around, notice me, say something, touch me or ask me something." " Or send you to school." " Anything." "My mother didn't give birth." "She had something removed." "Behold!" "I am that which must overcome itself again and again!" "Oooh!" "Je suis au zenith." "Come." "Come now, claw your way out of my body, O alien soul." "Who has ears to hear, let him hear." "Je suis Troyenne, je suis de Troie!" "I've been ploughed." "Let the swamp-blood flow forth." "Yes!" "Come!" "Now!" "Enter the world." "You tiny mediocrity." "Petite void." "Pallid horror." "Come, come!" "Rip it from me." "Let me be free." "Cut the cord, cut the cord, cut the cord!" "I can feel it draining my energy!" "Let it trail no longer, my ball and chain." " What kind is it?" " C'est une fille." "Une fille...?" "!" "Aw, shit." "I name the child Eurydice Clytemnestra" "Dido Bathsheba Rabelais" "Patricia Cocteau..." "Stone." "Now take it away!" "And bring me another lover." " I could've been clever." " Could you?" "Yes!" "I could've gone to university." "All those wasted years, and now you are rubbing it in." "I resent you." "Yes, I do." "I hate you!" "Just when my life hit a good patch, along you came, miserable piece of flesh." "You should've ended up in the dustbin." "The incinerator was too good for you." "When I heard Eds was pregnant, I told her to abort." "Abort, abort!" " Chuck it down the pan, bring me..." " A knitting needle?" "A knitting needle!" "The more you quarrel, the less you hate, Sag Aloo says." " Don't take her side!" " I'm not taking her side." "My friend..." "When you were three, we tied you to the central reservation of the motorway." "Shut up." "Patsy's funny little jokes, darling." "Anyway you were like a homing pigeon." "You were back within a week." " What was my birth like?" " Your birth..." "Shut up." "It was beautiful, darling." "It was gorgeous, it was lovely, I knew it was the best moment of my life." "What's that lovely film? "Bambi"!" "It was like "Bambi"." "Forest glades." "We were like... dogs, were they?" " Deer." " Deer." "We were like those deer." "It was lovely." "It was so beautiful, sweetie." " You must have painkillers." " No, I don't need any." " You need drugs." " Give the drugs to Patsy." " You're so brave!" " I know." "I want this baby to be born on a carpet of roses." "I will suffer any pain for this baby." "It was lovely, darling." "The moment you were born, I knew I wanted you, darling." "I did." "Mummy wanted you, sweetie." " However, the day after..." " Shut up!" "Uh, it's rather stuffy in here." "Saffy, are you all right?" "Why are you so close to your mother?" "We're just bonding, something you wouldn't know about." " This party, Ed..." " What has she been saying?" " She's been telling me about my birth." " You mustn't believe a word your mother says." "Never mind, Gran's here now." "Something in a blue kagool is hovering outside." "Are you coming to this party or what?" "I'm just waiting for the lady from the adoption agency to turn up." "Have a look." "Might as well leave it with a note." "What are you looking at me for?" "What?"