"Development on the rubbish." "Has it finally been collected?" "No." "Sort of the opposite." "I think people are now leaving their own rubbish on top of our rubbish." "Or to put it another way, we've set up a free tip." "Still, let's not dwell on that." "We can just dwell very near to it." "I have decided to make a treat of dinner for us all... no effort or expense spared." "I mean, the butcher still refuses to serve us meat so when you boil it down it's basically mole and gravy." "I don't mind it." "And I've invited a guest over." "Who?" "Miss Trimble." "Not Miss Trimble the leper?" "She doesn't have leprosy." "You are talking about Miss Trimble the leper." "Can you not call her that?" "Can we establish which Miss Trimble is coming?" "Miss Trimble the leper, but..." "George!" "No!" "She doesn't literally have leprosy, does she?" "Yes, she does, George." "She's called Miss Trimble "the leper"." "That's just what people call her, Bert, because she keeps herself to herself and I think she used to be a bit spotty." "George, it's really obvious what's happened here." "You've read about lepers in the Bible, and you've found out there's a real leper in the village, you've got excited..." "Not even going to let you finish." "That is what's happened." "She's really nice." "Give her a chance." "You think everyone's nice." "No, I don't." "Tell me one person who you don't think is nice." "Herod." "Herod?" "I just don't want us to not have any friends." "Fine!" "Yes!" "I want proper, respectable friends." "Not lepers, sissies, and Bert." "Well that's the league you're in now, Sonny Boy." "Tonight's going to be grand." "She's a lovely person, she can talk the hind legs off a donkey, she's single..." "Bert?" "That's so not how it works, George." "How does it work then?" "Oh, no, that is pretty much how it works, to be honest." "Quite excited about meeting her now." "De-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum." "I was sure I had a few vegetables left that hadn't been vandalised." "Vandalised." "You can't vandalise food, George." "Shit-head." "Or should I say you can..." "Your cooking!" "I was hoping to serve my mole in a nest of local leaves, but..." "I mean, look at it." "Please - condemn me, stone me, but leave my kitchen garden out of it." "This would be a perfect time to cancel the whole dinner." "I'm not cancelling the dinner." "Oh, come to your senses, George." "We cannot go running cap-in-hand to the village leper." "That's death." "Is it?" "Social death." "Right, well." "That's a considerable climb-down." "Might be death." "Depends how many of her boils we breathe in." "Bert, I promise you she's disease-free." "It's just vicious tittle-tattle." "Does that set your mind at rest?" "Well, sort of, George, but she's still a weirdo nobody likes." "Better if she had leprosy, at least it wouldn't be just her personality that makes everyone avoid her." "Don't say that." "Trimble had good words for you, Cecil." "And even for you, Bert." "What do you mean "even"?" "Do you mean especially?" "At least make sure we've exhausted all alternatives." "Fine." "What are the alternatives?" "Miss Atkinson?" "Hates us." "Genuinely." "Hates us." "Elsie Hargreaves." "Seriously?" "Shall we invite the Princess of Wales while we're at it?" "I could imagine Gladys having a sister who lives in the village." "Maybe invite her, if she exists?" "I bet Gladys's sister'd be quite up for it, actually." "Probably have quite a sort of "no holds barred" sort of attitude." "Before we resort to the realm of people who may or may not exist, shall we stick to Miss Trimble who is at least real?" "God." "Maybe." "If nothing else I'll be able to get some ammo on her for when the lads get back." "Get back from where?" "That should just about do it." "What's "Porc Velours"?" "That's French." "You know how I like to add a certain poise to proceedings." "What does it mean? "Velvet pig"." "What's..." "The mole." "Here we go then." "The last supper... of our lives as self-respecting individuals." "Cecil, please be civil." "I ask for very little in this world." "Wedding with a woman who's life you're destroying, end of World War." "Well, from my end, I really can't wait to see her now." "The freak show thing is a really good idea, George." "I am surprised she's not here yet." "Legs probably fell off." "I'll pretend I didn't hear that." "She'll be here any minute." "She's probably just..." "Re-attaching her ears." "Cecil." "Ooh!" "Who wants to see my bruise?" "Crossword first, then the bruise?" "Yeah, save the bruise." "We'll look at the bruise if she's not here in 20 minutes." "It will have faded by then." "Is she standing us up?" "Is that what's happening?" "That's a shame." "I was looking forward to seeing it." "I'm sorry, George." "You put in so much effort." "I did really, but..." "I won't have this." "I will not have it." "Cecil Mowbray does not get stood up by a leper." "George?" "Maybe." "Bert?" "Probably, yes." "Ain't that the truth." "But this is a Mowbray." "Four generations of pipes run under this village, each with a great big M on them, and do you know what that M stands for?" "Man-fish." "Merman!" "Mowbray." "Obviously." "Yeah, Mowbray." "Sorry, I'm going round there." "She's been completely out of order." "Oh, just leave it, Cecil." "I mean, who the hell does she think she is?" "She should be begging to come to an event like this." "She should be begging." "I'm going to join you, Cec." "Desperate to get a glimpse." "Oh, Winky, would you like to come?" "No thanks, George, we're not being seen together in public, remember?" "I thought you were relaxing that rule." "No, George, tightening." "Oh, sorry." "No problem." "I'm sorry." "I couldn't find your house." "I drew you a map." "Yeah, I couldn't read your writing." "The map only had pictures on it." "I thought it was writing." "People don't write in pictures." "The Chinese do." "You know I'm not Chinese." "All right, let me, George." "Now look, we know you've had an illness." "What illness?" "Your leprosy." "Oh right, yeah." "So, have you got leprosy?" "Because we thought that was just a rumour." "Well." "I mean, it comes and it goes to a certain extent." "I'm just really sorry it meant I couldn't come to your party." "It wouldn't normally matter, but George did prepare a mole." "You mean a meal?" "I mean both." "Well, it's my loss." "So shall we just leave it there?" "Because we've all got things to do." "Sorry, are you brushing us off?" "No." "You don't brush us off, we brush you off." "Right, just for that, you are coming to dinner." "I didn't want to." "Some honesty at last." "And why not?" "Because your name is mud in this village, all right?" "I can't afford to compromise my reputation by being seen with you." "Your reputation?" "Sorry." "You are a woman who is rumoured, and bear in mind I am simply reporting a fact here, and I think the accusation is incredibly unfair, a woman who is rumoured to have been impregnated by her own son." "Yeah, and I've got webbed-feet and a tail as well." "And you think you're too good for us?" "I don't want to start putting it in those terms." "No, let's put it in those terms." "You're obviously England's prize... partridge." "I'm not leaving here until we get a yes!" "Shh." "Keep your voice down." "Fine, I'll come to dinner." "Not tonight." "You've drawn enough attention to me as it is." "I'll come tomorrow." "Yes!" "Yes!" "The leper's coming over!" "The leper's coming over!" "We're back in the game!" ""Upon arrival, greet your guests warmly but not cloyingly." ""An excessively enthusiastic reception will be off-putting" ""and result in an undesirable change of atmosphere."" "What's the book, Cecil?" "Brannigans Etiquette Reader." "I was raised on this." "Full of classics. "If a guest engages you in conversation," ""reply audibly and intelligibly," ""and in the language in which you were addressed."" "Absolutely copper-bottomed." "I bet this is why I'm having to have this bath." "Some rule written down in that book." "It's not Bert." "Why am I having it then?" "Some things are deeper than words." "When was the last time you washed, Bert?" "It depends." "What's the weather been like recently?" "Rain doesn't count as washing, Bert." "Have you scrubbed?" "Yes." "Have you?" "I don't need to." "You do need to, Bert, just..." "I'll scrub my skin off." "You won't scrub your skin off." "The flannel only removes the dirt, not the skin." "How could that be?" "I promise you." "I wash my face with it every day, Bert." "Too far, George. "Every day", indeed." "I still don't understand why I'm even having this bath." "Washing for a leper?" "It's like wearing cologne to a zoo, eh, Cecil?" "I actually find that extremely offensive, Bert." "It's shameful the way that Miss Valery Trimble has been ostracised by this village." "Now hold on, Cecil..." "Yes, I know I made some comments yesterday, George, which perhaps you didn't really take in the correct spirit, but I've always quietly thought we should know her." "And loudly said, "we shouldn't"." "All right, George." "I've slept on it and now I have a new opinion." "Trimble's the first rung on the ladder." "Get her on board, then move on to the really big players." "Your Irish woman." "Your girl with the snake." "Soon, we're dining with the simpleton who's brother's wife's sister is under-secretary of the Morris Dancers." "We could be right back on the map here." "Oh, God, please let tonight be a success." "I've got the fear now, George." "It's all right, Cecil." "I can't do this." "We haven't got any of the right stuff." "I'm worried now." "I'm not on song." "I need to be on song." "Cecil, calm down." "I'm serious, George." "I've lost my swagger." "I feel ugly and fat." "All right, Cecil." "Deep breaths now." "It's going to be all right." "It's just pre-match nerves." "It's going to be fine." "You're right, you're right, the host is like a general, calamities reveal his genius." "She wouldn't stand us up again, would she?" "This fucking leper's really starting to get on my tits." "You said you were coming over!" "I mean, does language not mean anything any more?" "Should we all just start talking gobbledegook?" "Oh, hello, maggy beggy lig bog." "Buggy fong mig-wag." "Is this about the meal?" "What Cecil is asking is why did you say last night that you would be there if you had no intention?" "I was trying to get rid of you." "I didn't think you'd suffer the shame of coming again." "Shame is pretty much meat and wine to us, young lady, so you've underestimated us there." "Oh, no, look, your hand's fallen off." "Breached!" "We're in!" "Checkmate." "Cecil!" "Oh, shit." "Right." "Bring her to dinner." "What?" "Grab her and bring her to our dinner." "If she won't come willingly, we're going to have to..." "We're not kidnapping Miss Trimble." "Always there to pour piss on the party." "One decent blow to the noggin should do it." "Bert?" "One step ahead of you there, Cecil." "Always wanted to do this." "Tap the head, time for bed." "Ow!" "Ooh, sorry." "That hurt!" "Yeah, sorry, just bear with me." "Um, Cecil, what's happened?" "Why has she not gone unconscious?" "You have to hit her much harder." "Much harder." "All right, I think the problem is that when I do that..." "Ow!" "Sorry." "Bert, you need to hit her so hard on the head that she blacks out." "I'm literally just knocking her out with the bottle now." "That's the general idea, old chum." "All right." "I'm going to." "Ow." "Sorry." "You never told me I'd have to do it this hard." "Well you do, Bert." "This is real now." "Do you want to be a man or not?" "Because this is the price." "All right, Cecil, don't shout." ""Lord, give your daughter strength to endure these..."" "Shut up, George." "I can't." "I can't do it." "I'm sorry, Cecil." "Come on, Bert." "You can do it." "Stop saying that!" "You can though." "Stop saying that I can when I can't." "Can you all just be quiet?" "Bert, do it now." "Just one big hit and it'll all be over." "I've let you both down." "Just leave me here." "You want her to come to the cottage, don't you?" "You want us to take her home?" "Everything's going wrong." "Pull yourself together, Bert." "Take this bottle away from me." "Pull yourself together, man." "I'll come to the dinner." "I'll come to the dinner." "I'll come to the dinner." "I'll COME TO THE DINNER!" "Thank you." "I promise you're going to have the time of your life." "Amen." "Back in the bad old days, the villagers used my garden as a tip." "Would you mind not calling them the bad old days?" "That's our current life you're referring to, the bad present days." "Have you thought about how you're going to get rid of it?" "That's the sort of thought process I can look forward to now, another classic, to put alongside "How do I feed three men on a penny a day?"" "and "How do I get my fiancee to make eye contact with me?"" "My advice is to act quickly, before the... well, there's no way of sugaring this pill - before the swarms of rats arrive." "All right, let's knock that exchange on the head now." "We don't want that image hanging over us." "We're now in the main body of the dinner party, so welcome." "Please take a seat." " Hello Valery." "Oh, Winky." "Did they kidnap you as well?" "Yes, they did." "Not really, Winky." "She's my fiancee." "Poor you." "I take each day as it comes." "George should be coming round now with the starters." "Meanwhile please focus on me for the beginning of the badinage." "Now then." "Did any funny stories happen during my excursion with the Campbell family in Margate?" "They certainly did." "We'll begin with Stanley." "Does he have any teeth?" "He does not." "How do I vex him?" "Why, with vinegar in the water jug." "I don't understand." "He has false teeth in a cup by his bed." "He fills the cup with water from a jug." "Cecil put vinegar in." "So when he put his teeth in, he got vinegar in his mouth." "I think that's everything." "OK, don't worry about that." "That was just froth, really." "Let's get into something of more substance." "George would you like to lead a discussion into the worrying problem of church reform?" "Oh, God, Cecil, not that." "We're sticking to the plan, Bert." "Have you planned this?" "There's no point in trying to explain a complicated theological issue in five minutes, Cecil." "Yes, I know, George, but remember what we..." "What was it you were saying earlier about "If we don't reform the church..."?" "I was saying, if we don't reform the church we might as well appoint dogs and cats as vicars and have the ceremonies in a brothel." "Or Catholicism, as I call it." "Uh-huh." "Oh, come on, that's witty." "That's top stuff." "Wow." "All right." "Not a problem." "Hadn't intended to bring this out so early, it's dessert fare really, but, Bert, break open the blue vault." "I thought I wasn't to tell any of those stories." "Change of plan." "Ladies, if you're of a nervous disposition, you'd better leave now." "Otherwise prepare to taste true pleasure in the company of these three libertines." "Basically, I was in a pissing competition..." "I don't want to hear about that." "Right." "You're being difficult now." "You're putting up barriers to having fun." "I don't want to hear a story about urine." "Yes, when you put it like that, obviously... but, you know, that's a fun story." "If it was midnight, that would go down an absolute storm." "Imagine it's midnight." "There's a lot of imagining involved here." "Imagine it's midnight, imagine you haven't been abducted." "Oh, no." " What is it?" " Cecil?" "I bloody well invited bloody Agnes round, didn't I?" "Well, why have you done that?" "I wanted to show off that we had the leper over." "If you've got it, flaunt it." "I wanted her to see that we've made a friend." "Unfortunately, old Trimbo here's turned nasty haven't you, you bad dog?" "Cecil, I can hear you're in there." "It's a long shot, but when my sister comes in you wouldn't consider pretending to enjoy our company, would you?" "Doesn't seem very likely." "I see." "In that case, we've... don't really know how to sell this..." "We've got a lovely pantry, with plenty of room." "Are you at all attracted by the idea of fucking off into the pantry for a mo?" "I'm not going to voluntarily go and sit in your pantry." "If you want me to be in the pantry, you're going to have to put me in the pantry." "You heard the lady, Bert." "Done it before, I'll do it again." "Cecil!" "Bet you're wishing you'd never invited me round now, aren't you." "You're being antisocial and uncooperative." "Oh, I'm sorry for being an uncooperative hostage." "Have your other hostages been more amenable?" " They've been less sarcastic." " What's taking so long?" " Would you mind if I went as well?" "Why do you want to go?" "I told Agnes I've stopped coming round." "That's a bit much." "No, you're staying out here, Winky." "I'm going to stand up to Agnes on that." "She's gone, George." "Shall I get her out?" "Nah, leave her." "Thanks, Georgie." "Oh, Miss Trimble, I just want to say," "I'm sorry things have escalated this way." "I hope we can salvage this and still be friends, one day." "I prefer it here to be honest." "There's rat poison to wash away the taste of those vol-au-vents." "They were exquisite and that is demented." "You're dead to me." "Shhhhhh." "Your garden's full of rubbish." "Agnes, what a pleasure." "Why have you dragged me here, Cecil?" "Just to rub my nose in the fact that you spend all day dossing?" "No, you're here because I want to give you this... cup... back." "I think we borrowed it a while ago." "I've never seen that before." "Have you not?" "My mistake." "How long do I have to stay in here?" "Anyway, thanks for coming." "Bye then." "Who was that?" "That was Winky." " It didn't sound like Winky." " It is me, here I am." "Why's Winky locked in the pantry?" "Because I've been bad." " Great answer." "You pervert, George Wright." "God only knows what goes through your mind." "I'm contacting Hesta and the Parish Council to let them know you're imprisoning a woman against her will." "Two women." "What?" "Two women, if you're going." "I'm also in here." " Who are you?" " Winky again." "No, it's not." "That was me as well." "No, it wasn't." "Me also." "This is ridiculous." "I repeat, ridiculous." "Let it go now, Winky." "OK." " Who else is in there?" " Miss Trimble." "Who?" "Miss Trimble." "The village leper." "Oh." "Can you let me out of here, please?" "I'm going to make sure everyone knows about this." "It's OK." "It's over." "In for a penny." "What?" "Cecil!" "You bastard!" "Already can't remember why I did that." "At one swoop you've considerably worsened matters." " What do I do now?" " Let me out, you little shit!" "Um, if I let you out, you're not going to say anything to anyone, are you?" "Of course I'm going to say something to everyone." " Not a good bargaining tactic, Agnes." "Unlucky." "Just out of interest, what's your long game?" "Presumably you're not going to leave her in there until she dies, so, given that she will be coming out at some point, every second this goes on, the worse it gets." "I know that, George." "I just..." "Cecil, I'm not shitting you, let me out now." "There's no amount of time you could leave her in there that would result in a better outcome than just letting her out now." "But if I let her out now, it will definitely be bad." "I agree." "It's bad both ways, Cecil." "It's one of those." "It is one of those." "Just..." "Just... give me a minute." "Open the door!" "You're not going to win this one, Cecil." "Hang on." "Let me think." "What are you thinking about?" "Thinking about the past." ""After dinner, cigars and liqueurs are served to the gentlemen," ""coffee, Apollinaris, or other sparkling waters to the ladies." ""It is also sensible to have recourse to a light entertainment," ""in case your guests wish to continue socialising." ""Current fashions are for bridge or stargazing." ""No matter how you choose to finish your evening, if you have" ""followed our guidelines, your party is sure to be the highlight of the" ""season and the subject of" ""favourable discussion for several weekends."" "I'm still in here, you know." "That was me!" "We're not doing that any more, Winky."