"male announcer:" "HERE'S ONE FOR YOU." " DID YOU GET THE STUFF?" "announcer:" "WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TAKE A ROCKER" "WHO BLOWS A CASKET..." "A FAILED PRISON ESCAPE..." "A ROOMMATE WHO GETS BUNKERED..." "A "MANCER" WHO CAN'T BREATHE..." "A COUPLE OF KOOKS BUILDING NUKES..." "A MEDIEVAL LUG WHO GETS THE SQUEEZE..." "AND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER BENT ON DESTRUCTION?" " AAH!" "announcer:" "YOU GET THE NEXT EPISODE" "OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE." "DEATH IS EVERYWHERE." "MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT." "OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY." "EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR" "AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS," "INJURY, ILLNESS," "AND CATASTROPHE." "THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD." "THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE." "BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE," "WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE." "FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS," "THE NIPS HAVE RULED THE JAPANESE ROCK WORLD." "A COMBINATION OF MUSICIANSHIP AND THEATRICS" "HAVE KEPT THEM ON TOP." "BUT LATELY, EGO AND JEALOUSY" "HAVE BEEN TEARING THEM APART." "WHAT WAS ONCE HEALTHY COMPETITIVENESS" "HAS DETERIORATED TO FLAT-OUT HATRED." "THE PROBLEM WAS THE CONSTANT TENSION" "BETWEEN TINAKA, THE LEAD SINGER," "AND BASHO, THE LEAD GUITAR PLAYER." " IN-BAND FIGHTING IS ACTUALLY A FUNNY THING," "BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS SEE IT." "IT'S USUALLY A CASE WHERE," "YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT YOUR FRONT MAN," "AND THEN YOU'VE GOT, YOU KNOW," "SOME OTHER GUY IN THE BAND" "THAT ALSO WANTS TO BE A FRONT MAN." "AND THEN THESE TWO GUYS" "WOULD REALLY FIGHT FOR THAT CREATIVE CONTROL" "AND FIGHT FOR THE FAME." "announcer:" "TODAY'S FIGHT WAS ABOUT TINAKA'S NEW PROP" "A COFFIN." "IT WOULD MAKE FOR A KILLER ENTRANCE..." "FOR TINAKA." "BASHO WASN'T BUYING IT." "[speaking Japanese]" "AS ALWAYS, TINAKA GOT HIS WAY." "THE NIPS' HOT STAGE HANDS" "WHEELED OUT THE COFFIN WITH TINAKA INSIDE," "READY TO RISE FROM THE DEAD." "BUT BASHO SAW A CHANCE TO STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT," "AND LAUNCHED INTO THE LONGEST GUITAR SOLO" "IN JAPANESE ROCK HISTORY." " [coughing]" " TRAPPED INSIDE THE COFFIN," "TINAKA WAS HEADING FOR A FINALE" "HE DID NOT SEE COMING." "BEFORE HE JUMPED IN," "TINAKA DECIDED TO UP THE THEATRICS" "BY FILLING THE COFFIN WITH SMOKE" "FROM DRY ICE CONTAINERS." "BAD IDEA." "DRY ICE GIVES OFF CARBON DIOXIDE." "IN THE CRAMPED QUARTERS OF THE COFFIN," "TINAKA WAS RAPIDLY RUNNING OUT OF OXYGEN." "WITHIN A MINUTE, HE WAS GASPING FOR AIR AND SUFFOCATING." " WITHOUT THE PRESENCE OF OXYGEN," "IN A PURELY CARBON DIOXIDE ENVIRONMENT," "THE INDIVIDUAL WOULD BE UNABLE TO OBTAIN OXYGEN" "FOR NORMAL BODY FUNCTION." "THIS LACK OF OXYGEN WOULD SHUT DOWN THE BODY'S ORGANS," "AND THEY WOULD DIE." " [screams] announcer:" "AFTER A THREE-MINUTE-LONG SOLO," "THERE WAS NO MORE OXYGEN" "AND NO MORE TINAKA." "TINAKA WANTED TO MAKE A BIG ENTRANCE." "INSTEAD, HE MADE AN EXIT..." "TO DIE FOR." "SAYONARA, TINAKA-SAN." "IF YOU STROLLED DOWN CELL BLOCK "D"" "OF THIS NOTORIOUS PRISON IN THE 1930s," "YOU WOULD PASS THE TEMPORARY HOME" "OF FLOYD O'MALLEY," "A LOW-LEVEL CHICAGO HIT MAN." " MICKEY." "announcer:" "FLOYD KNEW HIS WAY AROUND A DECK OF CARDS." " YEAH?" " DID YOU GET THE STUFF?" " YOU DIDN'T GET 'EM FROM ME." "announcer:" "BUT HE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT POKER." "FLOYD KNEW THAT PLAYING CARDS" "WERE COATED WITH NITROCELLULOSE," "A REACTIVE PLASTIC THAT, WHEN MIXED WITH WATER," "PRODUCES THE HIGHLY VOLATILE NITRIC ACID." "IN OTHER WORDS, HE COULD TURN A SIMPLE DECK OF CARDS" "INTO A BOMB." "HE TOOK A HOLLOW BED LEG," "STUFFED IT FULL OF TORN UP CARDS," "AND FILLED IT WITH WATER." "THE HOMEMADE BOMB WAS PRIMED" "AND PLACED ON A SPACE HEATER" "SITUATED RIGHT NEXT TO THE WALL." "AS SOON AS THE WATER AND CARD MIXTURE HEATED UP," "THE ENSUING CHEMICAL REACTION" "WOULD BLOW OPEN A HOLE TO FREEDOM." "BUT NOTHING HAPPENED." "DID HE FORGET SOMETHING?" "FLOYD CHECKED THE DEVICE." "THAT'S WHEN HIS ESCAPE PLAN" "BLEW UP IN HIS FACE." "WHEN FLOYD PICKED UP HIS CRUDE CARD BOMB," "HE GAVE IT THE FINAL STIR IT NEEDED" "TO PROPERLY MIX..." "AND DETONATE." " IN THIS SITUATION," "WE HAVE SHRAPNEL FROM THE METAL OF THE PIPE BOMB" "THAT'S GONNA BE EMBEDDED INTO HIS SKULL AND HIS BRAIN." "WE ALSO HAVE THE SHRAPNEL FROM THE PLAYING CARDS" "THAT ARE GONNA DO A LOT OF TISSUE DAMAGE THEMSELVES," "EMBEDDING PIECES WITHIN THE CHEST AND THE HEAD," "THAT'S GONNA BE SOMEWHAT LIKE A MULTIPLE GUNSHOT WOUND." " DID YOU GET THE STUFF?" "announcer:" "IF FLOYD'S PLAN HAD WORKED," "IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN ESCAPE FOR THE AGES." "BUT IT JUST WASN'T IN THE CARDS." "COMING UP, A NERD LOSES HIS VIRGINITY" "AND HIS ROOMMATE." "AND IF THE CORSET DON'T FIT, HE MUST ACQUIT." "[breathes heavily]" "announcer:" "RAVI WAS A NERD WITH THE HIGHEST GPA" "IN THE HISTORY OF HIS STATE UNIVERSITY..." "AND THE WORST SOCIAL LIFE." "HIS ROOMMATE, TYLER, ON THE OTHER HAND..." " THE FIELD GOAL IS GOOD!" "announcer:" "WAS A STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER" "WHO GOT MORE TAIL THAN A TOILET SEAT." " OH." "announcer:" "WHILE TYLER GOT HIS ROCKS OFF," "RAVI WAS A BANNED TO A PLACE CALLED "SEXILE."" " BEING SEXILED IS WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE," "UH, LEAVES YOU STRANDED FROM YOUR DORM OR YOUR APARTMENT" "UH, IN THE HALLWAY," "BECAUSE THEY'RE DOING THE NASTY." "I'VE HAD TO SLEEP IN SOME RIDICULOUS PLACES." "PROBABLY THE WORST WAS THE GROUP SHOWER" "IN THE DORMITORY." "IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE." " AH." "announcer:" "EVEN IF MEEK AND MILD RAVI" "WAS RIGHT ABOVE," "TYLER KEPT CALLING OUT AUDIBLES TO HIS "COEDIBLES."" " OH." "OH." "BLUE 52!" "HUT!" "HUT!" "announcer:" "AND THEN IT HAPPENED." " UM..." " SO I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU IN CLASS TOMORROW." "announcer:" "IT WAS RAVI'S TURN TO GET HIS SOCK ON." " HEY, HEY, HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" " THERE'S A SOCK ON THE DOOR." "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" " YOU WANT TO GO A SECOND ROUND," "LET ME KNOW, OKAY?" "announcer:" "RAVI WAS NOT ABOUT TO FAIL THIS TEST." "HE WENT RIGHT ON POUNDING HER..." "BOOKS, UNTIL..." " HEY, BABE." "I GOT A NICE, BIG PIECE OF CHALK DOWN HERE" "WHENEVER YOU'RE DONE." " OH, MY GOD." " OH, MY GOD." "OH!" "OH!" " THE WEIGHT OF THE BED" "AND THE CORRECT ANGLE ONTO THE INDIVIDUAL'S NASAL BONE" "'CAUSED THE BONES TO BE PUSHED BACK" "INTO THE CRIBRIFORM PLATE," "PIERCING IT, AND PIERCING THE BRAIN TISSUE UNDERNEATH," "'CAUSING BLEEDING WITHIN THE BRAIN," "AND CAUSING HIM TO DIE." "announcer:" "TYLER WAS A SOCK BLOCKER" "WHO BANNED HIS ROOMIE TO THE HALLWAY," "BUT THEN RAVI GOT SOME FUNK IN HIS BUNK." " HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" "announcer:" "AND TYLER WOUND UP..." "BOTTOMED OUT." "DO YOU FEEL LIKE WE DO HERE ON 1,000 WAYS TO DIE?" "BALLROOM DANCING IS FOR GIRLY MEN." "THAT'S WHY WE'RE DELIGHTED" "TO HAVE THIS QUIFF IN OUR DEATH SCOPE." "HIS NAME IS ESTEBAN, AND HE'S A TOTAL DOUGHNUT HOLE." "AND THAT'S HIS PROBLEM." "THE ONCE SVELTE "MANCER" EATS MORE D-NUTS" "THAN A WHOLE SQUAD OF COPS." "TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES," "THE VAIN "HOOFSTER" RESORTED TO SUCKING IT IN" "WITH A CORSET." " THE HISTORY THAT WE KNOW THE MOST ABOUT THE CORSET" "IS FROM 1820 TO 1910," "BUT WE BELIEVE THAT IT'S BEEN AROUND FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS," "UM, TO STRUCTURE THE SHAPE OF A WOMAN'S BODY." "AS FAR AS MEN WEARING CORSETS," "IT IS NOT AS COMMON, UH, BACK THEN AS IT IS NOW." "THERE ARE DEFINITELY MORE," "BUT, UH, WE DON'T GET A LOT OF PEOPLE COMING IN," "TRYING ON CORSETS." "announcer:" "THE TIGHT LACING" "TURNED THE NORMALLY UPTIGHT ESTEBAN" "INTO A MACHISMO MONSTER." " HEEL, HEEL." "GO." "RELAX!" "announcer:" "HIS POOR PARTNER, YOLANDA," "BORE THE BRUNT OF HIS HISSY FIT TIRADES." " WHAT YOU DOING, YOLANDA?" "YOU CAN DO NOTHING!" " IT'S NOT ME." "IT'S YOU!" " I'M THE CHAMPION." " YOU MAKE ME SICK." "announcer:" "FINALLY, SHE HAD ENOUGH." " I'VE HAD IT." "announcer:" "HOW DARE SHE WALK OUT" "ON THE ONCE GREAT ESTEBAN." "HE WAS SPEECHLESS." "AND NOT BECAUSE HE WAS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS." "HE COULDN'T BREATHE." "HIS TOO-TIGHT CORSET" "WAS PREVENTING HIS RIBS AND DIAPHRAGM FROM EXPANDING." "HIS LUNGS STRUGGLED FOR OXYGEN." "IT DOESN'T TAKE A BRAIN SURGEON" "TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS" "WHEN A BLOWHARD LIKE ESTEBAN RUNS OUT OF AIR." "HE DIES!" " IN THIS CASE, HE'S COMPRESSING HIS LUNGS," "AND THE PRESSURE FROM THE CORSET AGAINST HIS RIBS" "CREATED A FRACTURE." "THE RIB THEN BROKE, AND, BEING CURVED," "IT WENT INWARD," "AND, UNFORTUNATELY," "IT WAS IN THE RIGHT POSITION TO PUNCTURE HIS HEART." "AND THIS CAUSED, UH, MASSIVE INTERNAL BLEEDING," "AND, UH, CARDIAC ARREST." "announcer:" "ESTEBAN WAS AN EGOTISTICAL," "PEAR-SHAPED, TWO-STEPPING PRICK." " YOU CAN DO NOTHING!" " IT'S NOT ME." "announcer:" "DOES IT MAKE US HAPPY ON 1,000 WAYS TO DIE" "WHEN A JERK LIKE THIS BITES IT?" "OF..." "CORSET..." "DOES." "UP NEXT, IT'S NO NUKES FOR THESE MOOKS." "AND A LAZY BASTARD" "FALLS DOWN ON THE JOB." " AAH!" "announcer:" "ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST FEARS" "IS THAT A GROUP OF FANATIC TERRORISTS" "WILL BUILD THE ULTIMATE WEAPON" "AND HOLD THE WORLD HOSTAGE." "SOMAD AND SIRAKI" "WERE LOOKING TO MAKE A NAME FOR THEMSELVES" "ON THE GLOBAL TERRORIST CIRCUIT." "THE BAD NEWS WAS" "THEY HAD COME UP WITH ENOUGH FISSIONABLE MATERIAL" "TO BUILD A SMALL NUKE." "THE GOOD NEWS..." " ¶ I LIKE IT ¶ announcer:" "THESE GUYS WERE MORE OF A THREAT TO THEMSELVES" "THAN THEY WERE TO THE REST OF THE WORLD." " SOMAD." "announcer:" "TODAY SOMAD AND SIRAKI" "WERE TESTING THE PLUTONIUM CORE." "WHAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW WAS THAT THIS TEST" "WAS NICKNAMED "THE DEMON CORE,"" "BECAUSE IT HAD KILLED SEVERAL SCIENTISTS" "THAT ATTEMPTED IT 60 YEARS EARLIER." "THE DEMON CORE EXPERIMENT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS." "YOU SURROUND THE PLUTONIUM CORE" "WITH TUNGSTEN CARBIDE BRICKS" "TO REFLECT NEUTRONS." "THIS MAKES THE CORE MORE REACTIVE." "IF THE BRICKS TOUCH THE CORE," "IT CAN GO CRITICAL," "WHICH MEANS A BLAST OF HARMFUL RADIATION" "GETS RELEASED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE." "JUST AS SOMAD WAS SETTING THE LAST TUNGSTEN BRICK IN PLACE," "THE CAMEL BURGER HE ATE FOR LUNCH" "CAME BACK TO HAUNT HIM." " [belches]" " OH!" "[devices beeping] announcer:" "A BURP CAUSED HIM TO FUMBLE THE BRICK." "THE BRICK MADE BRIEF CONTACT WITH THE CORE." "A BLUE FLASH EXPOSED SOMAD AND SIRAKI" "TO AS MUCH RADIATION" "AS ANYONE STANDING WITHIN A MILE OF GROUND ZERO" "AT NAGASAKI." "THE CONTAMINATION WAS SO GREAT" "THEY NEVER MADE IT OUT OF THE LAB." "WITHIN A FEW HOURS, THEY WERE OVERCOME WITH NAUSEA." "SOON AFTER THAT, THEY WERE BEDRIDDEN WITH EXTREME FATIGUE." "AND THEIR MUSCLES HAD ATROPHIED." "THE CELLS IN THEIR SKIN WERE DYING," "AND WITHIN 48 HOURS," "THE WANNABE TERRORISTS WERE DEAD." " LARGE RADIATION EXPOSURE SUCH AS THIS" "DAMAGES THE IMMUNE SYSTEM," "AND IT CANNOT PRODUCE WHITE BLOOD CELLS." "THIS RENDERS THE IMMUNE SYSTEM USELESS." "THE PATIENT IS THEN SUSCEPTIBLE" "TO A NUMBER OF PATHOGENS." "IN THIS CASE, THE PATIENTS DEVELOPED BACTERIAL PNEUMONIA." "THE LUNGS EVENTUALLY FILLED WITH LARGE AMOUNT OF SECRETIONS," "AND THEY ESSENTIALLY ASPHYXIATED." "announcer:" "NUCLEAR TERRORISM IS NO JOKE," "BUT LITTLE DID SOMAD AND SIRAKI KNOW" "THEY WERE JUST ONE BURP AWAY" "FROM BECOMING WEAPONS OF GAS DESTRUCTION." "[devices beep] [belch]" " HEY, CHUCK!" "LOWER THAT ROPE DOWN." "announcer:" "MIKE WAS THE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING SON" "IN SMITH AND SON CONSTRUCTION." " I GOT A BRILLIANT IDEA." "announcer:" "WHEN HE WASN'T ANNOYING" "EVERYONE HE WORKED WITH..." "HE WAS RAISING HIS LEVEL OF LAZINESS TO NEW HEIGHTS." " ALL RIGHT, BRING ME UP." " ARE YOU NUTS?" "announcer:" "MIKE'S LATEST JACK-OFF MOVE..." " PULL ME UP, CHUCK!" "announcer:" "HIJACKING THE COUNTERWEIGHT SYSTEM" "USED TO HOIST TOOLS" "AND USING IT FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL ELEVATOR." " ACCORDING TO NEWTONIAN MECHANICS," "BASICALLY IF YOU HAVE A PULLEY AND YOU HAVE TWO MASSES" "HANGING FROM TWO ENDS," "AS THE PERSON STARTS MOVING UP," "THE SUM OF THE FORCES IS NO LONGER ZERO." "THAT MEANS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PULLEY IS EXERTING FORCE," "SO IT'S GOING DOWN." " COME ON." "HURRY UP." " I'M TIRED OF DOING ALL THE HARD WORK HERE." "announcer:" "BUT JUST AS MIKE WAS ABOUT TO REACH THE TOP..." " COME ON, MIKE." " COME ON." " YOU'RE ALMOST THERE, PAL." " AAH!" " OH, GOD!" "OH!" "announcer:" "THE COUNTERWEIGHT WASN'T DESIGNED" "TO CARRY A LOAD LIKE MIKE." "MIKE'S WEIGHT PLUS THE WEIGHT OF THE BUCKET" "WAS TOO MUCH FOR THE TENSILE STRENGTH OF THE ROPE." " THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER PROBABLY EXPERIENCED" "A NUMBER OF INJURIES," "SUCH AS, UH, RIB FRACTURES," "FEMUR, AND FIBULAR FRACTURES." "FRACTURED PELVIS AS WELL." "BUT THE LETHAL INJURY WAS MOST LIKELY" "DUE TO A SIGNIFICANT BRAIN HEMORRHAGE." "announcer:" "MIKE WAS THE BOSS' SON," "WHO NEVER PUT IN AN HONEST DAY OF WORK IN HIS LIFE." "[knocking]" " LITTLE BUSY IN HERE." "WORKING." "announcer:" "BUT DON'T WORRY." " ALL RIGHT." "BRING ME UP." " ARE YOU NUTS?" "announcer:" "BECAUSE MIKE WILL NEVER" "HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER AGAIN." " UGH!" "announcer:" "EX-SQUEEZE ME." "IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF OUR FAVORITE MEDIEVAL TORTURES." "COMING UP NEXT." "announcer:" "AS THE 16TH CENTURY WAS COMING TO A CLOSE," "BUSINESS WAS BOOMING" "AT THE TOWER OF LONDON'S TORTURE CHAMBER." "AND IF MEDIEVAL MUTILATION HAD A POSTER BOY," "IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SIR WILLIAM SKEVINGTON." "HE WAS THE TORTURER IN CHIEF FOR KING HENRY VIII." "HIS SPECIALTY WAS THE RACK." " THE RACK WAS BUILT TO STRETCH SOMEONE," "AND THE JOINTS OF THE LEGS, THE ELBOWS," "THE ARMS, THE WRISTS, WOULD ALL BE PULLED APART." "YOUR BODY WOULD ACTUALLY BE RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB, PER SE." "announcer:" "TODAY, SKEVINGTON HAD A NEW CUSTOMER" "A COLD-BLOODED MURDER AND TRAITOR TO THE KING." "THOMAS WAS SENTENCED TO DEATH." "THE ONLY PROBLEM-- THOMAS WAS 6'9"," "AND THE RACK WAS COMING UP SHORT." " [laughs]" "SCAVENGER, I THINK YOU GOT ME IN THE CHILD'S SIZE." "[laughs] announcer:" "SKEVINGTON, WHO WAS NICKNAMED "SCAVENGER"" "BY THE LOWLIFE SCUM HE TORTURED," "WAS NOTHING IF NOT RESOURCEFUL." " [laughs] announcer:" "HE FIGURED, "IF YOU CAN'T STRETCH 'EM," "SQUEEZE 'EM."" "AND SO WAS BORN THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER." " YEAH, THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER" "AND THE RACK-- THE RACK, AS I HAVE SAID," "WAS USED TO PULL SOMEONE APART." "THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER WOULD BE COMPRESSING SOMEONE." "THIS WAS A TORTURE DEVICE WITH TWO LARGE ARMS" "THAT WOULD FORCE SOMEONE IN THE FETAL POSITION." "AS THIS DEVICE WAS TIGHTENED," "IT WOULD CAUSE THEIR BACK TO BREAK," "THEIR ARMS TO BREAK, THEIR LEGS TO BREAK." "IT WOULD 'CAUSE THEM TO HEMORRHAGE INTERNALLY." "NOW, AS THEY WERE HEMORRHAGING," "BLOOD WOULD COME OUT OF THEIR NOSE," "THEIR NOSTRILS, THEIR MOUTH, AND THEIR EARS," "CRUSHING THEM AND KILLING THEM IN THAT FASHION." " [groaning] announcer:" "AS THE STEEL PRESSED DOWN ON THOMAS," "HIS RIB CAGE CRACKED" "AND BONES DISLOCATED." "HIS LUNGS COMPRESSED" "AS BLOOD SQUIRTED FROM EVERY ORIFICE OF HIS BODY." "IT WAS LIKE SQUEEZING A WET SPONGE DRY." " AAH!" "announcer:" "AND THEN THOMAS DIED." "THOMAS WAS TOO BIG FOR THE RACK." " I THINK YOU GOT ME IN THE CHILD'S SIZE." "announcer:" "BUT HE MET HIS MATCH WHEN HE HOOKED UP" "WITH A NASTY LITTLE WENCH..." "CALLED THE SCAVENGER'S DAUGHTER."