"You see in me a very happy man." "That balloon contains the two British airmen who have been hiding in my café." "A favourable wind is even now wafting them gently back to England." "And now that they have gone the Resistance cannot blackmail me into hiding them and the Germans cannot shoot me for the same reason." "All that I have to do now is to get my wife's mother, who is in a coffin in that hearse, back home and into her own bed." "I can then get back to making as much money as possible out of the Germans." "Oh, René, you are 'ero of the Resistance!" "The whole village will be talking about you!" "I was just doing my duty for France." "(Sighs)" "René, you must hurry back - radio London and tell them the balloon is on its way." "(Moaning)" "Ohh!" "Ooh, Edith?" "!" "Maria?" "!" "Oh, will nobody come to my assistance?" " Ohh..." " What is the matter, Mama?" "Oh, Edith... how much longer have I to wait to go to ze bathroom?" "Oh!" "Oh!" "Shooting has been reported from behind the woods." "It will be the army on their manoeuvres." "Let us get back while they are busy playing at soldiers!" "Right." " Oh..." " Shut up!" "Hans, have you heard shooting?" " (Gunfire) - lt is coming from down the road!" "Quick!" "Keep shooting!" "That balloon must be brought down!" "Keep pumping the blowlamps, Carstairs!" "They can probably see the light." "Shouldn't we turn them out?" "If we do that we'll come down, you ass!" "Oh, yes." "Hadn't thought of that." "Oh!" "General von Klinkerhoffen, what is happening?" "!" "That balloon must be brought down!" "Fire at it!" "(Gunfire continues)" "(Guns click)" "You in there!" "Lieutenant Gruber!" " Who, me?" " Point your gun at that balloon!" "Yes, General, but I think I ought to..." "Do not argue - fire!" " Why are you not hitting it?" " Because my shells are blank." "Why are you shooting with blanks?" "They were for the manoeuvres." "That's all I have." "I am surrounded by idiots!" "Heads will roll for this!" "(Gunfire)" "(Ricochet whines)" "(Ricochet whines)" "That was a bit close." " Should we surrender?" " Good idea." "(Both) We surrender!" " Oh!" " They're not in the mood for a chat!" "Keep pumping, we might gain a bit of height!" "(Moaning) Ooh, I'm stiff with the cold!" "into bed, Mama." "I will bring you a nice hot-water bottle." "You could...you could fill it with gin." "You shall have a gin, Mama." "Now the airmen have gone we can return to normal." " (Buzzer)" " Quick, the bed!" "Oh!" "Will these flashing bed knobs never cease?" "!" "Why don't you put the radio somewhere else?" " Shut up!" " But we are not expecting a message." "Perhaps they have heard of my exploits." "Maybe General De Gaulle wants to give me a medal." ""Allo 'allo, are you receiving me?" "Over.'" "'Allo 'allo, this is Nighthawk, receiving you loud and clear." "Put the General on the line, will you?" "'We have urgent message:" "'Red Riding Hood must not go to the wood!" "'" "Get the code book." "Look it up." "'Red Riding Hood must not...'" "All right, we've heard you!" " What does it mean?" " "Do not release the airmen."" "Oh, 'eck." "'Allo 'allo." "Red Riding Hood has already gone to the woods." "Any minute now she will be knocking on the cottage door." "'The wind is giving us problems.'" "Also it is giving me a problem." "Shut up, you old ratbag!" "It is too late, the airmen have gone and I am glad to see the back of them." "Over and out." "I think we should all say a little prayer for the airmen." "Come." "(Sighs)" "Dear Lord, please give to the British airmen a safe landing wherever zey may be." "Amen." " Hello!" " Hello!" "Oh, God!" "When General von Klinkerhoffen arrives, let us know immediately." "Do not keep him waiting." "We do not vant to make him cross." "Yes, Colonel." "Remember, Hans, we know nothing about what has been going on." " You understand?" " Perfectly." " What has been going on?" " Stealing priceless paintings." "We pinched that clock." "The oldest cuckoo clock in existence." "Then there was the blowing up of the railway line." "Helping British airmen to escape." "All these things can affect our careers very badly." "I vill say I know nothing of these things you have done." " You have done them too!" " l was obeying your orders." "You always use that excuse." "What, er, happened to the cuckoo clock?" "Ah, I was very clever about that." "I expect you think I had that bust made of myself out of vanity?" "Well, I did, and then I thought it was so lifelike it could not be vanity." "Hans, that bust conceals the priceless cuckoo clock... which I will sell after the war." "I wondered why there was a key in your ear hole." "Will it still work after all this time in your concrete head?" "The mechanism is in perfect order." "(Ticking)" "Hans, you fool!" " What have you done?" " You're right!" "It does work!" "It is ticking." "If von Klinkerhoffen hears my head ticking he will think I am a bomb!" "General von Klinkerhoffen is here." "(Cuckooing)" "(Colonel) Oh, no - do something!" "Don't let him in!" "Don't let him in!" "Don't let him in!" " Do something!" " Don't let him in!" "(Cuckooing speeds up)" "(Cuckooing stops, spring twangs) I have shut it up." "Put it back on the desk." "Tell the General to come in." "Show the General in." "Oh." "General Erich von Klinkerhoffen!" " Heil Hitler." " Tler!" "Why did you keep me waiting?" "My assistant was making sure the office was tidy." "The Colonel's head had fallen down." "I see." "I take it this vas done before ze plastic surgery?" "Herr Otto Flick, officer of the Gestapo!" "I believe you requested my presence." "I did not, I sent for you." "Be seated." "It has come to my attention that there is much Resistance activity here." "So I am taking command of the district." " That's very good news, General." " We are quite chuffed." "Priceless works of art have been stolen." "Railway lines and staff cars have been blown up." "Unauthorised balloons have been observed." "An armoured car has been stolen." "All these incidents encourage other Resistance groups in other areas." "They think they can defy us!" "It must stop!" " We quite agree, General." " lt is not good enough!" "We have tried to be kind." "They do not appreciate it!" "It does not vork!" "Very little information regarding zese unruly elements has been received from our intelligence sources." "In other districts good leads have been obtained from places to which the people have free access, such as bars and cafés." "Furthermore, amorous liaisons with local women pay good dividends." "We have tried this, General." " Time and time again." " Vith the vaitresses in the café." "Did you learn anything new?" "One or two things, yes." " Nothing really important." " l am not surprised." "Ze senior underground posts are usually held by older women." " ls this not so, Herr Flick?" " Agreed." "There is, in fact, an older voman in the café the Colonel is referring to." "I have for a long time had my suspicions about her." "An officer must be found who is attracted to older women who can vorm his vay into their confidence." "You have a suggestion, Herr Flick?" "My investigations reveal that Colonel von Strohm is such a person." "If I may say so, you are mistaken, Herr Flick." "His previous successes with senior women include... er, a lady hairstylist in Amiens..." "Not Claudette's mother?" "It was early closing day." "And it was raining." "In Ypres, a cinema usherette." " The Regal?" " The Roxy." "Oh, was that the one with the, er... the ice cream tray?" "From the canals, a lady barge captain." "Oh, the big one with the flat bottom?" "The little one with the big funnel." "There seems no doubt you are ze ideal agent for zis operation." "You will therefore at once make this lady your mistress." "General, how can I put it?" "I don't fancy her." "Colonel, how can I put it?" "How do you fancy the Russian front?" "She's a good cook." "Yes, I'd forgotten that." "Good." "Let it be done." " Heil Hitler." " Heil Hitler!" "Tler!" "Phew." "Yvette, what are you doing?" "Trying to get one in ze top pocket and screw down the table." "Why did you not wait for me?" "René, kiss me!" "Oh, Yvette, we must be careful." "My wife has ears like a bat." "She might be suspicious if she does not hear a game." "While you kiss me I will make ze balls go click in ze pocket." "Oh, Yvette..." "Oh, René!" " Oh..." " Oh!" "(Both moaning)" "What are you doing on the billiard table?" "You stupid woman!" "It is quite obvious what we were doing!" "A bulb was on the blink - Yvette was trying to screw it in tighter." "Then why has she not done so?" "Because it was too hot." "I was lying there waiting for it to cool down." "Then why did you not switch off the light?" "What?" "Me, alone in the dark with one of our serving...?" "Edith, what kind of a man do you think I am?" "René, always so considerate." "René, Michelle is here." " From the Resistance." " Oh, 'eck." " Are we alone?" " l am never alone." "Did you manage to hide ze airmen in a safe place?" "I have concealed them where no one will find them." "See." " Hello!" " Hello!" "Sorry about the balloon, chaps, but don't think we've forgotten you." " Good show!" " Bye-bye for now." "Now listen very carefully, I shall say this only once." "General von Klinkerhoffen has taken charge of the district." "He is a ruthless beast, without mercy or compassion." "We cannot operate under his tyranny." "Well, we have had a good run for our money." "I was glad to help." "We will hand over the English, you can go back to your job at the post office and I can run my café." "You do not understand." "We cannot operate under such a ruthless fiend... so we must kill him." "But he is guarded day and night at the chateau!" "René, you could take him some food!" "And round your waist you could strap dynamite and when you got near enough you could light the fuse and - poof!" " he would be gone and you would be buried as a great hero of the Resistance." "First you would have to scrape me off the walls!" "We would only do this as a last resort." "Oh, that is a great relief I am sure!" "But a bomb or a booby trap of some nature may be the answer." "We have the explosives - we must stay alert." "When the right moment comes... we will strike." "Good!" "Come, girls!" "What is your biggest break on this table?" "Just now, when my wife swallowed that story about the light bulb." "Colonel, I..." "Where's he gone?" "Colonel, I have the flowers you ordered for Madame Edith." "On the desk with them, Hans." "My hair is getting very thin on top." "It's all this worry." "I've combed it across." "There's a bit on the other side you could use." "We must get rid of the General." "Yes. lf he finds out what you have been up to you are for the high jump." "You are in it as deep as I am." "So far he's only discovered the tip of the iceberg." "You haven't stolen a whole iceberg, have you?" "Hans, the longer he is here the more we are in danger." "He must be eliminated." "We need either a bomb, bullet or poison." "Ooh. I've never seen you like this before, Colonel." "You did go mad the other day when you accidentally put salt on your strudel." "Strudel!" "Something in his food." "You have it, Hans." "What we need is a good, strong, reliable weedkiller - mit arsenic." "Where are you going to get this?" " You will get it today." " Where from?" " At the chemist's." " Oh, Colonel!" "You know how I hate going for things from the chemist." "Besides, it is closing today." "Shoot the lock off, kick the door in, take an axe!" "You are a German officer, Hans - behave like one!" "Yes, Colonel." "And don't come back with a comb like last time!" "(inaudible over piano)" "Yvette!" "Take this jug in to Herr Flick, will you?" "But it is only half full." "I will top it up." "Erm..." "Will he not notice?" "These Germans, they have no nose for wine." "(Knocks)" " Your wine, Herr Flick." " Pour it." "It looks very pale." "Er...zis summer, there were many clouds." "(Gasps)" "(Sneezes)" "For some reason it is bringing on my hay fever." "You're very quiet tonight, Herr Flick." "I am thinking dark thoughts." "I find you very exciting when you are thinking dark thoughts." "It seems you get excited at everything, Helga." "Am I permitted to know what you are thinking?" "I am thinking about General von Klinkerhoffen." "He has interfered with Gestapo affairs." " He must be made to pay the penalty." " What is the penalty?" "Death." "Herr Flick!" "You vouldn't!" "Oh, yes, I vould." " Oh, no - you vouldn't?" " Oh, yes, I vould." "Already I have selected a method." "You're probably not acquainted with the Katari tribe of Vestern Borneo." "No, I've not had the pleasure." "This is the Katari Death Pipe." "Haven't they got big ones!" "In this end we insert this small dart, the tip of which is impregnated with the deadly extract of a rare and almost extinct beetle." "The smallest puncture results in violent convulsions and death within ten seconds unless the victim receives the antidote." "This is the antidote." "The venom is almost undetectable." "Vill not the General's suspicions be aroused when you take the pipe from the cane and point it at him, as you're doing at me and vould you mind pointing it the other way?" "The Gestapo have thought of this." "Instead of zis pipe, you will use zis specially adapted cigarette holder," "which fits the dart perfectly." "And is effective at three metres." "You are not expecting me to carry out such a cold-blooded action?" "It is for us, Helga - you and I." "If von Klinkerhoffen has me recalled to Berlin l could not live without you." "Oh, Herr Flick, this is terrible." " How long do I have to decide?" " Three seconds." "(lnhaling) I'll do it." "(Tunelessly) lf you could only care for me" "As I could care for yo-ou" "René!" "You're eavesdropping!" " These Germans are terrible people!" " What have you heard?" "Von Klinkerhoffen is about to be rubbed out!" "Rubbed out?" "How?" "Poof!" "With a cigarette holder." "But he plays the piano so beautifully." "Not 'im!" "Helga!" "Anyway, the less we know the better." "Hans, have you got the weedkiller?" "Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons." "You take it with a glass of wine." "One drink and... all is quiet on the Vestern Front." " Are you sure it will work?" " Yes. I told him it was for you." "Give it to me. I will keep it till we need it." "Yes." "Well... how is the big romance with Madame Edith going?" "Have you loosed upon her your irresistible charm?" " Yes and no. I've given her the flowers." " Well, that's a good start." " l told her they were from you." " Oh..." "What?" "!" "Hans, I am a colonel, you are a captain." "I give the orders." "I have decided that you will woo Madame Edith." " Oh." " Anyway, you do it better than I do." "Those girls have been gossiping." "(Tunelessly) lf you could only care for me" "As I could care for yo-ou" "She's stopped." "Applaud." " (Strohm) Bravo!" "Bravo!" " Oh!" "The incomparable Mademoiselle Edith!" "Come and sit next to the Captain." "Champagne for the handsome captain and the beautiful singer." "Oh!" "(Giggles)" "The Colonel is drunk early this evening." "Say something complimentary." "There is not another singer like you in the whole vorld." "Oh, how gallant the Captain is!" "I must give you a kiss!" "Oh, lucky me!" "Oh!" "Oh, ho-ho!" "Ooh!" "I am all steamed up. (Laughs)" "Without your glasses you are even more attractive." "(Laughs) So are you." "What sort of champagne would you like to buy me?" " Well..." " The most expensive?" "Treat yourself, Hans." "You're going to deserve it." "I will go and get it for you myself, personally." "(Chuckles)" "Who's paying for this champagne?" "Get a receipt." "We will charge it to von Klinkerhoffen." "You're doing very well, Hans, I think she likes you." "Play your cards right and you'll be upstairs before the bottle's finished." "Make it a magnum!" "He has a naughty look in his eye - l think he is after my favours." "Well, when you hand them out remember that we need paraffin, butter - slightly salted - and sugar." "René, will you not be a little jealous if I take him upstairs?" "Oh, yes, I shall weep copious tears and bang my head against the wall but... this is war." "And we also need chocolate and cigarettes." "Cork-tipped, the others make me cough." "Ah!" "Champagne for the Captain!" "Oh!" "I am so glad it has all come out into the open." "The Captain has for a long time admired Madame Edith." "As we lie in our little bunks at night, he murmurs her name." "I even called my old bicycle after you." "How gallant the Captain is!" "Perhaps you should take her upstairs?" "Colonel!" "I am not like those girls behind the bar who go upstairs for a few litres of paraffin." "I'm very glad to hear it." "No, she wants eight gallons." "And butter - slightly salted - sugar, chocolate and cork-tipped cig..." "Edith, take this pencil and paper in case you think of something else." "How dare you!" "The Captain does not want to be rushed!" "Perhaps after some more wine and I have sung you a few more songs." "No, the Captain is much keener than that." "May I join this party?" "I, too, have something to celebrate." "I have been appointed ADC to General von Klinkerhoffen." "Oh, congratulations, Lieutenant Gruber!" "Hubert." "He has given me a nice room at the back of the chateau." "Very private." "You must come up and see it sometime." "I cannot wait." "So you will be working for the General?" "Does that mean you vill be in charge of the wine?" "My first duty is to organise a banquet at the chateau to celebrate the birthday of the Kaiser." "The General is related and rather proud of it." "He's a bit of a snob, you know." "You and your staff are invited, Colonel." "A party!" "I love a party!" "Vill there be plenty of wine?" "Of course." "Oodles!" "There will be a boar's head with apple in the mouth, chicken, and the traditional Black Forest gateau with candles." "I can cook this for you." "And René can serve it - can you not, René?" "W-Well, I..." "He could stand behind the German General all night until he was allowed to go off." "l-l-l expect the General would prefer outside caterers and his own staff." "On the contrary, the people in the town seem reluctant to cooperate." "The boy in the cake shop was most offhand." "I was about to ask if you could do it." " Of course we could!" " And you can stay the night!" "We have large chambers." "You think of everything, Lieutenant." "Bread!" "Bread!" "Loaves of bread!" "Oh, my God." "Excuse me." "I am an old bread seller." "Bread, who will buy my bread?" "I have big ones, small ones, some as big as your 'ead." " Who will..." " (René) Shut up!" "Come here." "Ah, patron." " You are René Artois?" " l am." "Psst. lt is I, Leclerc." "Amazing!" "I have come from the Resistance." " Oh." " Michelle says you are to take these small ones..." " Thank you." " All of them." "Inside is each a stick of dynamite to blow up the General." "Thank you, bread seller!" "If you think I'm going to strap those to myself..." "No, no, no, no, no." "Your wife is to make a Black Forest gateau for the chateau." " A gateau for the chateau?" " Yes." "In the gateau you will put the dynamite." "On top of the gateau - see?" " these candles." " One of those is the fuse." " Uh-huh." "Which one?" "Er..." "See, this one." "You see?" "It has a lump on the side there like a handle." "Ah." "The candle with the handle." "Good luck and vive la France." "Vive de Gaulle!" "Who?" "The tall one with the big 'ooter." "Ah." "Vive him and all." "Bread!" "Who will buy my bread?" "!" "Loaves of bread!" "Thank you, madame." "Bread!" "Everything on the list will be delivered tomorrow morning." "Oh, Edith, I will never forget you for this." "I will send Maria up with a warming pan to warm the bed." "There is no need, the Captain has gone home." "He had an 'eadache." "Now place upon it the top half." "Good." "Now we must place in the centre the candle with the fuse." "These will burn for ten seconds, activate the detonator, which will then explode the dynamite." "Will it be a big bang?" "The dining room will be demolished." "There will be gateau and medals everywhere and Klinkerhoffen will be no more." "Michelle, I have been thinking, could we not drop a hint to the Colonel and the Captain?" "I know they are Germans but they are very good customers." "The Captain gave me flowers." "They are ze enemy." "This is war." "They are without mercy, we must kill zem." "Henriette... take ze trolley with ze hamper." "The chickens are in the 'ampers." "Take that and the gateau to the chateau." "Here." "Give them this bill and tell them it is cash on delivery." " Service is included." " What do I do then?" "Come back here with the money - and run the first 100 yards." "(Banging, moaning)" "What is it?" "How much longer do you expect your poor old mother to live in ze larder?" "It is just till your room is repaired." " Oh..." " Where is the Gorgonzola?" "!" "Oh..." "I could not stand the smell." "So I...ate it." " (Static)" " Haven't you got through yet?" "I've got as far as the Wimbledon exchange." "They said I'd have to be patient and didn't I know there was a war on?" "Quite a chatty operator, though, she says cigarettes have gone up to ninepence." " Hardly worth going home." " (Woman) 'Hello?" "'" "Hello?" "Mummy?" "It's Gavin." "'Good Lord!" "Are you in a phone box at the station?" "'" "No, I'm in France." "I can't talk any louder, there are Jerries everywhere." "'Jerries everywhere?" "Are you in hospital?" "'" "No, I'm with Bumbly Carstairs!" "Hello!" "That's him." "We're doing a bit of decorating." "'Nigel?" "Nigel?" "It's Gavin." "'He's in France with Bumbly doing some decorating.'" "How are you getting on?" "'Oh, it's absolute hell." "'We're having a bridge party this evening and Cook's been called up.'" "Oh, dear." "Never mind." "Soldier on." "'Darling, do give us your address and Daddy will try and get you out.'" "He can't do that, Mummy!" "'Don't be silly, darling, 'he's very friendly with the Duke of Windsor.'" "No, I mean I can't give you our address, someone might be listening." "(Operator) 'Will you pay for a further three minutes?" "'" "Mummy, could I reverse the charges just this once?" "(Hangs up)" "Damn!" "They've cut us off!" "You never asked who won the boat race." "Damn!" "I knew we called about something." "It seems very quiet without the Germans." "It won't be quiet when they hear the bang." "Poor René, all this excitement has given him one of his 'eads." "Oh." "I wish we could warn the Colonel and the Captain." "We get on quite well, we have a good working arrangement." "Yes, as long as you do as he says, he doesn't shoot you." "( Introduction)" "My friends - loyal Frenchmen!" "Tonight, the hated Germans are not with us." "They may never be with us." "We have this day carved one more step" " in the stairway of freedom!" " (Applause)" "She has been reading Victor Hugo again." "We have lit the torch to banish the darkness of the shadow which is over our land." "All she did was bake a cake." "There is only one song a Frenchman may sing at a moment like this." "You all know it." "Boom." "Why Does My Heart Go Boom?" "( Dramatic introduction)" "Arise the children of the Fatherland" "The hour of freedom is..." "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles" "La la la la la..." "Silence!" "They have found the dynamite!" "This café has been requisitioned by the German Army!" " Everybody out!" " Everybody out!" "Do what the Colonel tells you!" "Come along!" "Arrange the tables!" "l-ls something the matter, Colonel?" "Herr Flick of the Gestapo has learnt that there is a plot to blow up the chateau." "No!" " Who would do a terrible thing like that?" " The Resistance." "Oh!" "These Resistance people, they are the limit!" "Are you sure you know nothing about it?" "I would have told you, of course, Colonel!" "I am sure it is nothing personal." "I expect they were after General von Klinkerhoffen." "We're all after General von Klinkerhoffen." "What a shame, and your nice party all spoiled." "Oh." "All is not lost, René." "On my recommendation we will celebrate the Kaiser's birthday in your café." "Oh, what an honour." "General von Klinkerhoffen!" " Heil Hitler." " Heil Hitler." "Tler." "Please, be seated, Herr General." "Anywhere you like." "This will be my table." "Please make yourself comfortable, Herr General." "René, we have been good friends for a long time." "I want you to do me a favour." " Hide this." " Of course, Colonel." " What is it?" " Just a pill." "Oh." "It will be safe in there." " Colonel, come and sit down!" " Coming, General!" "Not there, that seat is for your assistant." " Oh, thank you." " Not you!" "The girl." "Helga!" "Ooh!" "Do you have the dart in place?" " Yes, Herr Flick." " You know what to do." "Yes, Herr Flick." "My hands are shaking." "When sitting next to a general it is quite proper that a girl's hands should shake." "That seat is reserved for my ADC, Lieutenant Gruber." "It vill be comforting to think that he will be close at hand, should you need assistance." "Where's food, where's wine?" "We are just hotting up the chickens, Herr General." "René!" "The wine!" " And make sure it is the best!" " Yes." "See to the wine, Hans." "And make sure you look after the General's wine...personally." "Yes, Herr Colonel." "René!" "René, the Colonel gave you a pill." "Where is it?" "I have the pill in the till." " Which is the wine for the General?" " ln this jug." " The pill contains a drug." " The pill in the till?" "Take it and put it in there." " Put the drug in the jug?" " Mm." "We nearly forgot the most important part!" "(Cheering)" "Oh, my God!" "The gateau from the chateau!" " What about it?" " lt contains a bomb!" "A bomb in the gateau from the chateau?" "It was to blow up the General." "Do not let anybody light that fuse." " Where is the fuse?" " lt is the candle with the handle." "René, you do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General." "If we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau!" "Simple plots are always the best." "Put the pill in the jug." "(Gasps, whimpers) I will take it!" "I will take it!" "I do not want to get it mixed up." "Here we are, General!" "René, I saw you put something in the General's wine." " What was it?" " One of my headache pills." "They wanted to poison him but I am not having that in my café, it is bad for business." "You won't have a business if the gateau blows up." " One thing at a time." " Rrrené." "The chickens have been rrroasted and rrready." "Thank you." "Come this way." "Yvette, you get started." "Gentlemen, your helmets!" "We are here to celebrate the birthday of my ancestor." "Wilhelm Viktor Albert ll, Markgraf of Brandenburg," "Burgrave of Nuremberg." "Better known to us all as ze Kaiser!" "They did very well in the stocking business." "Charge your glasses!" "This one!" "Allow me, General." " No." " No, Helga." "This is special wine for the General." "The Kaiser!" "(All) The Kaiser!" "What time do you make it, Hans?" "Not thinking of leaving, Colonel?" "No, General." "I wasn't thinking of leaving." "Perhaps it had settled on the bottom of the glass." "A toast to the Kaiser's wife!" "Mrs Kaiser!" "Ahh." "Did the Kaiser have a dog?" "Let me refill your glass, General." "Of course." "Where is the food?" "Er, just coming, General!" "Gentlemen, I give you the smartest regiment in the German Army!" "The 7th Prussian lnfantry!" "Who wants well done?" "The smartest regiment!" "(All) The smartest regiment!" "Where is my chicken?" "lt-lt is a little...higher...than the others." "I will get you another one." "Colonel, I am his ADC, do you not think I ought to tell him?" "One of the first things you learn at military academy is never to tell a general when he has a chicken on his head." "What happens when the gravy goes down his neck?" "The wine should work before that." "Have some more wine, General." "Yvette!" "Maria!" "We need a bucket of water and a bucket of sand!" "We must put out that bomb before it goes off." "You will not." "When it is lit you have only ten seconds to escape." "My restaurant will be wrecked!" "The crater will be a monument to ze bravery of ze Resistance." "You are out of your tree." "To Adolf Hitler!" "(All) Adolf Hitler!" " And Eva Braun!" " (All) Eva Braun!" "And their little doggie!" "Now that we have toasted the Führer you may all smoke." "Oh, my God." "The poison dart!" "Oh, not in my café!" "Oh, dear, I have misplaced my cigarette holder." "May I borrow yours?" "There seems to be a small blockage." "Oh, my God, they have got the Gestapo!" "Yes, that seems to have cleared it." "The antidote, quick!" "Where is it?" "!" "Oh, good." "What is the matter with that man?" "He had the fish." "General!" "It is midnight!" "Oh dear, we are behind schedule, but never mind." "It is at this hour that our beloved Kaiser drew his first royal breath." "In accordance with family tradition I will now light the candles." "Maria!" "Yvette!" "The buckets!" " Where are you going?" " To the little boy's room!" " Sit down." " The Colonel also wants to go." " No, I do not." " Yes, you do!" " No, I do not!" " Colonel, come here..." "Yes, I do!" "Sit down!" "Open this door!" "Open up!" "Stay where you are!" "On the count of ten, get down." "The candle with the handle!" "Now they are all lit!" "And now to commemorate the moment 82 years later when he drew his last breath, we will blow them all out again." "For a moment I thought I was going to join the Kaiser." "René, the candle with the handle is still lit." "(All puffing)" "Oh!" "What do you think you are doing?" "!" "I did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried." "(Slurs) The burial of the Kaiser!" "(All) The burial of the Kaiser!" "René!" "That is the jug with the drug!" "After all that I've been through, I could do with a little aspirin."