"Can I look at part of the paper while I'm just sitting out here, Laura?" "What are you looking at, there?" "Well, I'm sort of looking for a new car." "Oh, you're kidding, that's great." "Well, not a new car but a used car." "I mean, I could never afford to buy a new car on this salary." "What are you thinking of?" "What kind of car, a sedan?" "Or a sports car?" " Ummm." " A station wagon?" "Just something that I..." "I don't know." "It's so hard!" "Well, I might be able to help you." "Actually I know quite a bit about cars." " Really?" " Yes." "These guys, they prey on women..." "Used car salesmen." "What do they do to us?" "Ever hear the expression," ""He's like a used car salesman"?" "Yeah." "Well, these are the guys who made that expression possible." "God, I never made that connection." "You will." "They know they can take advantage of women." "Because they don't have the knowledge of the automobile that most men have, including me." "How do men get it?" "I actually got it from my stepmother." "Oh." "Yeah." "Huh..." "Good story." "Yeah." "Armed with that..." "So what I'm thinking is maybe I can come along and just sort of ask some of the right questions and make sure these guys don't step all over you." "Well, like what kind of questions?" "Well, like umm, "How much is this car?"" "Or "How much is that car?"" "Hmm." "Greg, I'm not doubting you when you say you're happy all the time." "But my guess is that, underneath that thin veneer of happiness is a man in pain." "I could be fooling myself, let's take a look at it." "Okay." "Let's get in there and find out if I'm not just kidding myself." "I like your attitude." "Because you know what I'm all about?" "No, I don't." "Checkin' it out." "Well, you came to the right place, Greg." "I'm also all about checking it out." "Greg, is that a..." "What is, is that a picture of a toaster that you're holding?" "Yeah." "Hmm!" "This is the Williams-Sonoma stainless-steel 4-slice toaster with the 2 wide slots, that make the natural leap from toast..." "To toasted sandwiches." "Yeah, it looks like an extraordinary machine." "You can't make sandwiches in your toaster." "No, I know that." "You would toast and then put stuff on toast or then you can put stuff in the toast and then toast it." "Right." "So then you would eliminate the whole middle part of having to put it on afterwards." "It sounds great." "It's mantastic!" "Yes, it is." "My girlfriend took me to the symphony which was real nice..." "I'd never been." "Mm-hmm." "And they have this soloist come out and he's playing the cello, right?" "So he comes out and he's playing cello but he's got long hair..." "A little bit long and he's starin' at the audience a little bit and he's kind of boppin' his head up and down like he's in Metallica." "And my thought is," ""Well excuse me, are you like the 'bad boy of cello'."" "Is that what this is?" "Like he plays cello but he's got long hair." "You know how when there's a normal group of people and they have their little normal thing that they do and they have their parameters and they have there rules and then there's the rule-breaker." "But he's not a rule breaker he's just assumed that role because he's got some haircut, like that skater, Elvis Pachinko, or Patrinko, whatever it is." "Like he's the bad boy of skating... ice skating." "You still just do..." "This, that's all it is, it's just jumpin' in the air." "Right." "Look if you rob banks and shoot junk and skate, then you're the bad boy of skating." "Otherwise you're just a guy with a bad haircut." "What was it that you wanted to do when you were a kid?" "I wanted to be a professional football player." "But I wasn't very good." "In fact, I didn't even get past high school." "In fact, this is the only compliment I got in four years of high school football:" "I was a senior, it was halftime of a game that we were losing." "I was the second-string fullback, the first-string fullback, a guy by the name of Ken Flax was having a bad game." "The coach gets us in the locker room..." "The coach goes," ""We got a guy out here..." "Number 44, Ken Flax, runnin' like some kind of a pussy!" "We got guys like Greg Behrendt here, work hard all week, who will never see the field."" "Laura is buying a used car and I offered to help her buy it because it's scary out there for a woman in the used car world." "You're gonna help her negotiate?" "That's not your strength." "I'm also gonna give her a lift, that is my strength." "Well, I used to do that, you know." "What do you mean..." "You used to sell used cars?" "Yeah." "Really?" "I did, for about 6 months." "Can we do a little role-play where I'll walk in and I'll say, hello." "Hi there, how are ya?" "I lose." "Hi, dad." "Ben." "Yeah, hi." "Hello." "I'm just..." "Gonna get something from the cupboard." "Well, help yourself I mean, I'm just, uh..." "Yeah, I don't want to get into a big thing about it, alright," "I just want to get something, then I'll go." "You don't have to go anywhere" "I'm just reading the paper, that's all." "Right, I've noticed." "You've been reading it for like an hour." "I think you made your point." "What, that I'm interested in current events?" "Look, I want to clear the air." "What do you mean, "Clear the air"?" "Why don't you put down the paper then we can talk dad, instead of ignoring me." "I wish I knew what you were talking about." "Ayyy, that's funny that you're..." "Playing that game." "No, I really don't know what you're talki..." "Dad, you're not helping by making me more mad." "We've had fights before and we've made up before so let's make up." "Okay, I'm up." "Put the paper down!" "Hey, Ben, do you think that you and I had a fight?" "Because the next time that we have a fight" "I wish you'd let me know." "What about the fight we had this morning?" "I have no idea what you're talking about." "You don't..." "Remember the fight." "I don't." "Over breakfast..." "We were both sitting..." "Facing each other." "I remember that." "Fighting." "I don't remember that." "You don't remember that?" "Hey, would it help if I said, "Ben, I forgive you"?" "Well, don't just forgive me if you don't know what we were fighting about!" "I know you remember and now you're just saying that but..." "Hey, Ben, will you lighten up please?" "Well, I'm so sorry that I have problems too, y'know?" "Your patients aren't the only ones." "Does the Mall of America mean anything to you, dad?" "Ah-ha-ha!" "Wait..." "Yeah!" "Help me out." "I see your face!" "Mall of America..." "I suggested we go on a vacation." "Then you said "No, I don't want to discuss it any further"." "And you got very curt." "I'm sorry if in some way I seemed dismissive of the idea." "Are you sick of me or something?" "I'm not sick of you at all." "In fact, I love spending time with you." "Oh, you know, speaking of which, Ben..." "I know we had talked about going out tomorrow night, to a movie or something?" "Yeah, we had plans, we'd..." "Yeah, I actually won't be able to do that because I told Laura I would take her shopping for a car." "Wha-what abou..." "Are you okay?" "I'm speechless!" "We're in the middle of tryin' to work out a fight." "And then you just tell me..." "We had plans tomorrow night now you're breaking them?" "Well, I'm sorry." "Okay, so we're not going to the Mall of America together." "Right." "Now, tomorrow night, which was movie night, you're not taking me to the movies because you're going out with Laura." "I wanted to help her buy a used car before..." "I don't even know who I'm talkin' to anymore!" "Ben, check the name tag." "What's it say, "dad"." ""Hello, my name is dad."" "Yeah." "Why do you wear that?" "Where's your name tag, Ben?" "I gotta get one." "You know where you can get 'em?" "The Mall of America!" "That's right." "We should go!" "Okay, you put this on first, this is your girdle." "Hmm." "You put your kneepads on, these socks that go on the outside these are old "Vancouver Canuck" socks." "Huh." "These skates are tight." "Okay, put on my shoulder pads, then next, put on your elbow pads." "Now your Jersey..." "The helmet's a good thing." "Your mouthpiece goes in..." "Okay, I'm gonna skate around the office a little bit and just check things out." "It's almost like you're wearing a coat of armor and I don't think you need that in here." "It defends me from the pucks that people shoot at me." "Yeah, Ian, but in here, we don't use pucks." "Dr. Katz." "Yeah." "I never know when I'm gonna get pulled into a game, alright?" "At least take off the helmet." "You sound like my mom." "So, Ian, you're not an only child?" "I have a sister, Dr. Katz, and she's a figure skater." "She's really a figure skater?" "No." "So you guys are close in age." "Um, I'm 6 years older than her." "That's close, isn't it?" "Yeah, so the kind of familial closeness that you knew as a child," "I'm sure you miss that living in the city now." "Yeah, when I first moved to the city" "I stayed with a friend who had a dog who had a crush on me." "I was sitting on the couch one day and he actually mounted my shoulder." "It wasn't so bad that he was having his way with my shoulder but he wouldn't look at me while he was doing it." "That hurts." "So Ian, do you want to be involved with a woman..." "In a serious relationship?" "I wanna get married one day." "I wanna marry a girl that's already got a kid." "That way when that kid asks me a question I can't answer" "I can look at that kid and say," ""Go ask your dad, you little bastard!"" "Well, I was curious when my dad told me last night that you were gonna buy a car and he said he was gonna go along." "Yeah?" "I kind of laughed, had a sip of my tea, leaned back, thought about it and said, "I should go with you"" "because I happen to be familiar with the used car market." "Well, how is that?" "Number one, I read the used car section of the paper every day." "Well, what information can you get from that?" "Number two, I know a little bit about cars because, I uh..." "Well, I see them all the time." "Hmm." "Well, have you thought about what kind of car you want or have you just..." "You know, low miles, no rust." "How much money are we talkin'?" "Over 3 or under 3?" "About 3." "So are we talkin' about a hard 3 or we talkin' about "Well, you can do 3700"?" "What did I just say?" "You didn't say anything." "I said 3!" "Well, we're running into problems already." "Because let's say I've got something for 33, is that gonna stop you from buying it?" "Yes." "It is?" "Yes." "Okay, see that's stupid." "'Cause I have something here, a beautiful car for 42." "I mean, I know its $1200 more and I mean what's the difference 3, 42." "I mean, you're gonna..." "You're gettin' a better deal." "Are you with me?" "No, not at all." "I gotta be honest with ya..." "I'm not gonna sell you a car for 3," "I'm not gonna do it." "Okay then, I'll go somewhere else." "No, no, no, no, no." "I'm not done." "Okay, well, thank you very much." "It is beyond my comprehension to sell you a $3000 car." "It doesn't make any sense for anybody involved." "I'm talkin to you," "I'm talkin to your old boyfriend here, who's... wandering around aimlessly whaa... who is this guy?" "Get outta here!" "You know what?" "I'm not selling you a car, your old friend." "Get out!" "You're done!" "I'm done with you!" "I'll sell you a $3000 car, lady, ah?" "Wooooooo!" "What's up, Ben?" "Hey, Todd." "I gotta tell you this, man, I gotta tell you this." "What?" "What?" "We're gonna be havin' a big sale on previously viewed movies." "50% off." "It starts Saturday morning, 9 o'clock." "But special customers like you..." "Come here at 8 o'clock." "What?" "8 o'clock." "At 8:00?" "Come here at 8 o'clock, special customer." "So you're havin' a sale..." "Ssshhhhh." "Yeah man, 50% off!" "Previously viewed movies." "What does "previously viewed" movies mean?" "All of these movies are previously viewed." "They're rentals." "Starts Saturday morning at 9:00." "What is wrong with you?" "But you're a special customer, you can come at 8:00." "I honestly don't like the whole idea of of previously viewed, that's dirty." "We've washed all of them." "Washed the videos?" "Doesn't that ruin 'em?" "No, the cases, not the video." "I do have a thing about touching used videos." "Dude, you've touched more than I have." "No, I actually don't touch them." "What do you use, tongs or something?" "I have my video gloves." "This is like a Petri dish in here." "Everybody comes in and out, you don't know who's renting videos." "Yeah." "Y'know, I gotta be honest with ya..." "Like the third week I came here..." "I don't think you were working here." "I got a fungus." "But you've been seeing a therapist." "Right." "And she referred you to me, which I appreciate." "Yeah." "Why did you stop seeing her?" "Well, I found myself being... coming to uh..." "I was very attracted to her." "Well, that's a conflict, Greg." "I found myself embarrassed in front of her." "But I'm not embarrassed in front of you at all." "So I guess I don't have a crush on you." "Well, give it time." "Let's try and focus on the real issue which, I think is this rage that you've been telling me about." "You ever get mad at your house do you want to break something but you can't 'cause you own it." "Like you're mad and you pick up a plate and you go," ""come on" and then you go "oh ", you know because it's part of a set or it's fiestaware." "I understand the feeling." "Not a problem for my friend Axl Rose of Guns-N-Roses." "Who, while mad at his house, relieved a little tension by pushing his white baby grand piano through the plate glass windows in his house and into his pool." "Whoosh!" "How good do you think that felt?" "Mighty good." "I will never be able to do that." "I don't even have a piano." "My parents have one I'm not allowed in that room and I'm 35." "The best I can hope to do is throw a harmonica in the sink." "Ehhh." "What's with mints lately?" "Have you noticed whenever you go out now, to buy mints there's all these different mints." "And it seems like they're all in this weird competition to be strong." "You know what I mean?" "Mints aren't supposed to make you cry." "You're not supposed to put a mint in your mouth and go," ""Oh god, get it out get it out, please!"" "You know what I mean, and it seems like the smaller they are then the more strong they are." "'Cause you go, "Do you want a Smint?"" "And then I go, "No, I think I'm too weak to have fresh breath."" "So how did the negotiating go?" "Well, I think, for him, it went ok." "This was not the car of my choice." "These guys, they know how to play this game so well." "Well, maybe I should go talk to the guy, dad." "And you and Laura wait here." "Y'know, I think this car has pretty much everything I need." "I am bored." "I thought this was gonna be fun." "Let's take this one for a drive." "Dad, put the key in the ignition and let's get going, okay?" "How do you get this thing into second gear?" "Dad, you gotta start the car." "I know but to get into reverse you shift to the right and..." "Do you know how to drive a stick-shift, dad?" "I do." "And then you go down, you push down..." "Who are you telling?" "I'm reminding myself." "Hey, hello?" "I'm back here." "I haven't driven a stick in about 15 years." "Let's go, come on, let's go!" "I just don't want to..." "No, dad, dad!" "Yes, I hear you." "Calm down." "Laura, switch." "You drive!" "Dad get in the passenger seat." "I'll stay back here." "At least let me, get us off the lot." "Because then I can tell you how the car handles!" "Why are you yelling?" "Hey, here are some old chicken nuggets on the floor." "Do those come with it?" "I guess." "It's got the honey mustard sauce." "Ohhh." "Pass 'em." "This would be a good time to down-shift if you want to get off at this next exit you might want to consider down-shifting here." "Guys, turn on the tunes." "Let's get it going." "I brought tapes." "You might want to pop it into 4th gear now." "You don't even know how to drive this car." ""Ben mix '98"." "Some of these cars aren't designed to go over 40 miles an hour in 3rd gear." "And uh, one's called "Soul Ben"." "I'm not in 3rd gear, I'm in overdrive." "Laura." "That's reverse, Laura." "Laura." "Ben, what?" "Radio." "Get some tunes goin'." "I want to be able to hear the car..." "See if it's making any funny noises." "Laura, watch the left." "Ben, stop looking at yourself in the rear-view mirror." "I gotta get a feel for what I look like back here." "'Cause I'm using that to see out the back window." "Alright, don't panic." "I'm sorry, I'm just trying to focus on this car and driving and you guys are just being really annoying." "Laura, do you any idea where we are?" "Sort of." "Oh great, we're lost." "You know, I know a couple of great car games." "Oh, what about, "I'm going on a picnic."" "I don't know that game." "Wait!" "What was that?" "What?" "That sound?" "There's something stuck under the car." "I think it's the bottom of the car scraping against the pavement." "Why don't we just bring it back to the dealership now and..." "Can you please just look?" "No, I'm not getting out in this neighborhood." "Dr. Katz, you're gonna have to get out to let him out." "Just come out here for one second." "Well, push up, I can't get out of here." "Pull that thing and release" "Ben, don't force it!" "I'm tryin' to get out, Laura." "Ow, my god." "Laura, he's wedged in there." "No, I can't breathe." "Push up your seat, dad." "It won't go up any further." "Geezuz." "Laura, you might have to get out, too." "Pull on my arm." "I got it." "Dad..." "Ohhh god!" "Ahhh." "Whooo, sweet release!" "Okay, thanks a lot, you guys!" "Laura!" "Hey, Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Ben, she's just kidding." "I'm sure she'll be right back." "It seem to be emitting a lot of exhaust." "Where are we, exactly?" "I don't know." "I think there's a Taco Bell within walking distance so I'm not that worried." "Let's hit it." "Okay." "Well, I'm glad that's over." "I didn't realize it was illegal to hitchhike there." "I thought we had a nice time." "I think I handled the state trooper very well." "But you know, I'm glad we had a night together." "It was a chance for us to spend some time together in the Breakdown Lane." "Yeah, we don't get enough time together to bond." "Yeah." "You know, even though we didn't say much." "I think just celebrating our collective fear of the unknown was a bonding experience." "You know what does not look good in a bad neighborhood?" "An old man and a young man hugging for 5 minutes straight." "Yeah, I think I'm a middle-aged man." "I'll tell ya, buying a car is not easy." "I take it back." "'Cause it's a game with these guys." "It's a game I never want to play again." "No, it's not fun." "You know who really handled it poorly?" "Laura." "No, you." "That was my next guess." "Well you did talk to the guy." "I mean, I heard you and you got him to go up $200!" "Which was a sweet piece of negotiating on your part, dad." "Because he didn't realize that there were side air bags." "It was nice to mention features that he didn't know about." "I didn't want to rip the guy off." "You're being very honest." "And I don't think it hurt." "It certainly didn't hurt us." "No." "Or the car salesman." "Nope." "The only person it hurt... was Laura." "But that's not our problem, Ben." "I guess you're right." "Because I offered to help her buy a car and she rejected my offer." "Well, you did help her buy a car." "Just the wrong car for the wrong price." "Yeah." "I think we learned a lesson last night, dad." "Which is?" "We should go to the Mall of America together." "Ben, I thought we were going to back off that issue." "What if we do this?" "Okay..." "We don't go to the Mall of America." "Okay." "What if we just go to the mall?" "Just you and I, for 2 weeks." "Call me an old softy but it's starting to sound pretty good." "Alright, you're an ass." "No, I said call me an old softy, just once." "You're gonna make me say it?" "Here's 20 bucks, call me an old softy." "You're an old softy." "You sonovabitch!" "Come here." "Get over here." "Boom!" "You first, pow!" "Oh, dad, we need a vacation, don't we?" "There's a new GAP in the mall and from that GAP you can see Banana Republic." "Dad!" "It almost makes you feel like you're in Europe." "I swear to god." "Mount Rushmore..." "You ever been there, Dr. Katz?" " Been there?" " No." "It's a crap." "Huh." "It's a bunch of heads carved on the side of a mountain." "Right, I've seen pictures." "No hookers, no gambling." "Well, it's not that kind of place." "Lot of old people love the heads carved into the side of the mountain." "That's why they go before they die." "I was standing next to one old lady and I go," ""So, uh, lightning did this?"" "I actually plucked a nose hair once, have you ever done that Dr. Katz, before?" "Yes, I have." "That's no fun." "No, it's painful." "Oh man, I couldn't believe the pain..." "I was like," ""La la la la la plink ehhhh"." "My eyes started to water, my knees buckled" "I hit my head on the sink, I woke up 7 hours later..." "Four more hairs hangin' outta my nose." "I have this apartment in Los Angeles that I like but I have ants." "You know, how like whenever you see ants they're always goin' in a line because they gotta "Get the thing" or whatever." "It's gotta suck, bein' an ant because obviously there's somebody back at the hole that goes," ""Go get the thing!"" "And then they come right back." "Do they go around?" "..." "No." "Do they take a break?" "..." "No." "Well, I think they have a sense of urgency." "So I was fascinated by these ants in my apartment because they weren't like that." "They weren't in a line goin' to get the thing." "They were by themselves in different parts of my apartment like there was one over by the clock and there was one walking' across the bed and two walking' side by side like they were havin' a chat." "And I go, "Wait a minute..." "These ants aren't like other ants."" "These ants are self-actualized." "Maybe these ants came outta the hole and went," ""Screw you!"" "And then I loved them." "I thought, "Wait a minute, these ants are having an uprising in my bedroom," "I started calling them "the freedom ants", y'know?" "And I couldn't kill them but I loved them and they were everywhere you know what I mean but they inspire me to be my own man." "I went out and quit my job, I don't care." "Really?" "Then..." "I come home and six of 'em are eating a piece of soap." "Now, I don't know a lot about ants, but I know this:" "They're not supposed to eat soap." "Right." "There's no property in soap that they need back at the hole." "And then I realized I'd been duped." "These ants aren't freedom ants, these ants are just dumb!" "They can't even form a line." "They don't even know what "the thing" is." "There just walkin around goin', "I don't know, try the soap."" "And I'm mad and I'm pissed and I'm goin'," ""Hey, what are you doin', you're eating soap!"" "You must have been devastated." "Greg, you know what the music means." "Good-bye."