"We got one to go!" "One out to go!" "All right!" "OK!" "He just saved your ass, Brewster." "Come on, Rudy." " Foul ball!" " Aw, foul ball!" "Aw, you almost had that." "I bet you feel like a big piece of shit." "Talk all you want, Porky." "Here we go, Monty." "Ready to push." "Throw it in to Porky!" "Foul ball!" " It's OK, Rudy." " You want him to pitch underhand?" " I'm lettin' my bat do my talkin'." " Oh, the bat's got the brains?" " Play ball." " I just wanted to figure it out." "I wanna know who's got the brains in the family." " Time out!" " Time out?" "It's all right." "Take it easy, don't lose your concentration." "A goddamn train's comin' through the outfield!" "There's a guy up there in the bleachers, front row." "He's got a camera." "He's been takin' pictures of me for the last three games." " I think he's a scout for the big leagues." " Monty, this is Hackensack, New Jersey." "No scout comes here, you understand?" "A train's goin' through the outfield, but you strike this guy out I'll take you with me tonight and get you drunk." "Two out." "Two!" "Two!" "Two out." "He makes it three." "Look at him." "He's a little rag arm!" "Dial up on him, baby." "Knock it a long distance for me." " Hey, old man." "Getting a little tired, huh?" " Get back to T-ball, buddy." "Strike three." "You're out!" "Big win." "Yeah!" "All right!" "I'm a Gypsy." "That's why I'm not gonna bullshit you, OK?" "I'm not gonna see you next year cos I'm gonna be playing for the big leagues." " Really?" " That's right." "I dunno what team, but you'll see me on television and you'll say "I know that guy."" ""That's the guy that wanted to date me but, no, I was too stupid."" "Jake here." "I'm in Hackensack." "Pretty much the same picture." "He was out drinkin' till 3.30 in a bar last night then he picked up a girl, took her back to the hotel." "I figure tonight's agenda looks the same." "He's out celebrating his victory." "He was the winning pitcher today." "Right now you're playing for Hackensack so why are you running around in a Cubs jersey?" "A Cubs jersey?" "What number's that?" " It says "35"." " That was my number in the Cubs." "They were the only big-league team smart enough to take me on." "Is he a good pitcher?" "Well, he's enthusiastic." "Kinda like a kid in a candy store." "Excuse me." "Excuse me." "Cold beer here." "Cold beer." "There you go." "Sorry I'm late." "Allow me." " Attractive" " Thank you very much." " Look, just keep your eye out for Rudy." " He doesn't exist." "There is no Rudy." "Yes, sir." "I'll break the news to him tomorrow morning." "No, sir." "I won't lose sight of him." "Let me tell you something about athletes." "After a game, we gotta relax." "We gotta come down, unwind." "My doctor told me." "He said "Brewster, man, get a massage." "Come down."" "We read in a medical journal left in the locker room an article written by this Oriental doctor on massages." "We in the West give a massage like this." "And, see, all the energy coming from my hands is stopped by the fabric." "Apparently we in the West don't know that and we're massaging for nothing." "So his theory, and I dunno, it's just a theory is if you're nude and you get a massage, that's the best thing for you." " Good for your muscles, nude." " Maybe you'd like to try it with us?" " The four of us nude would be great." " That would be fun." "Massaging each other." " I think they're kinda cute." " This one's especially cute." "Either of you guys got a car?" " Got a bus." " The team bus." " Bigger than a car?" " Oh, much bigger and more fun because he's a partymeister himself." "Why don't we start in a bus?" "Let's try the bus." "Any left?" "Let's try the bus, a good place to start the evening off." "You're gonna love this." "We got a big-screen TV." "Well, not yet." "We got a space for it." "I think you're gonna like that." "Hi, guys." "Hah..." "Rudy!" "Hi, Rudy, buddy." "Get in the car before I twist your head off." "I didn't do anything wrong, baby." "They tried to pick us up." " Bullshit!" " Shut up!" " Get in the goddamn car!" " Hey, I wouldn't do that." " Rudy..." " Hey!" "Butt out, rag arm." " Let's go, guys." " We'll push your face." "Police?" "This is Torchy's on J Street." "Send somebody down, there's gonna be a fight." "Why is it when there's trouble, it's us that gets into it?" "There's a bar full of people." "We're the only ones in jail." "I don't think it's racial cos I'm in here with you." "That's comforting." " Hiya, fellas." " Charley!" "Look, I dunno what to say, but I guess this is it." "Charley, we apologise." "Now cut the speeches and get us out of here, please." "I can't do it, kid." "The front office is washing its hands of you two." "There's no money for bail and no money for your fines." "They gave you both unconditional releases." "Great." "Do they know what they're talkin' about?" "We got one game left!" " If we win today, we're in the play-offs." " It's simple." "They don't want you guys." "Next year, they're going with the college draft choices." "New talent, young kids." "Hey, look at it this way, Brewster." "You're lucky." "You got to be a pro ball player for 15 years." "It's a lot more than most people get." "I'll see you." "Brewster and Nolan." "OK!" "You bozos are up to bat." "In here." "Let's go!" "Don't worry." "I know this kind of stuff." " Don't mess up." " Just smile." "Thank you very much." "Mr. Brewster and Mr. Nolan, you're charged with assault and battery resisting arrest and the destruction of private property." "How do you plead?" "Guilty or not guilty?" "Guilty, but with a real good excuse." "You're gonna love it." " I plead innocent." " You see, Your Honour what you have with Mr. Brewster and myself is a couple of local heroes, really." "We play for a local team." "You might have seen us - the Hackensack Bulls?" "Perhaps you know the "Go, you Bulls, go"?" "Let's not waste time." "I have depositions from over a dozen eyewitnesses." "Your Honour, we went into the bar and we saw this nice lady." "We asked her to sit with us to have a drink." "I didn't know she had a fiancé." "Did you?" "I didn't know." "It wasn't public knowledge." "So you made advances to a woman who was involved with another man?" "If you don't make calls, you don't make any sales." " This man does not represent me." " I'd remove that from the court records." "I'm going to set your bail at $3,000." " Not bad." " We don't have $3,000." "Bailiff, will you remove the prisoners." "Next case." "Your Honour, wait, please." "I'd like to defend myself." "The man hit me first." "With the permission of the court!" "My name is JB Donaldo." "I represent parties who wish to remain anonymous and who have instructed me to post bail for the defendants or pay any fines levied in case they plead guilty which I'm sure they will now do." " Who is he?" " It's the scout." "I told you they want me." "They want me." "We're going to the big time!" " So where to, JB?" " New York." "New York?" "Yee-ha ha!" "The Mets!" "I knew it!" "There's no Mets in here." "Wait a minute." "There's no Mets in this building." "I never mentioned the Mets." "Mr. Brewster did." "I was just hired to bring him here." "He's not a scout." "He's a cop." "Look at him." "Look at those cheap cop shoes." "Cop face, cop hat, cop shirt, cop eyes." "Monty, the Mets don't want you." "The Hackensack Bulls don't even want you." "Look, I ain't supposed to tell you, but here's who hired me." "Granville  Baxter." "As far as I know, they got nothing to do with the Mets." "It's gonna be great." "It's the Yankees." " Mr. Brewster?" " Right." " We've been expecting you." " The arm's OK." "The operation was a success." "The arm's 2 years old now." "Follow me, please." "Wait for me." " Mr. Brewster's here." " Mr. Brewster?" " Yeah." " I'm Ed Roundfield." "This is Mr. George Granville, Mr. Norris Baxter." " How do you do?" " Perhaps you'd better sit down." "What I'm about to tell you may come as quite a shock." "No, sir." "I wanna hear this standing up." "Have you ever heard the name Rupert Horn?" "Rupert Horn... no." "I bet he's someone high up in the Yankee organisation, right?" "I'm afraid not." "Rupert Horn was your great-uncle." " What's that got to do with baseball?" " Rupert Horn quarrelled with his family." "He went out West." "They never heard from him again." "They thought he was dead, but he didn't die until last month." "And by then, he was one of the richest men in America." " And he bought a baseball team, right?" " No." "Oil and real estate." "And you, Mr. Brewster, are the sole living heir of your great-uncle, Rupert Horn." "I think it's only fair to tell Mr. Brewster about the conditions of the will." "Brewster, greetings from the grave." "Don't look so surprised." "Didn't you know your great-grandfather was a honky?" "The old man married twice." "One wife white, produced me." "One wife black, produced your grandmother." "A chequered family, you might say." "I've outlived 'em all, except you." "They tell me you're my only living relative and I gotta say, I'm very disappointed." "Look at ya." "What have you made of yourself?" "A failed baseball player." "I believe in being honest, Brewster." "No bullshit." "I'm stuck with you." "But... we 're gonna have some fun." "Let me..." "Let me tell you a little story, Brewster." "When I was seven years old., my daddy caught me smoking a cigar." "Locked me in the broom closet for three days with nothing but a box of cigars and a book of matches." "No food, Brewster." "No water." "Just those goddamn cigars." "Wouldn't let me out until I finished every one of 'em." "Taught me one helluva lesson." "I'm going to do to you what my daddy did to me." "I'm gonna teach you to hate spending money." "I'm gonna make you so sick of it that the sight of it'll make you want to throw up." "So here's my proposition." "You have 30 days in which to spend 30 million bucks." "If you can do it, you get 300 million." " There's gotta be a catch." " Of course there's a catch." "You have to spend the 30 million but after 30 days you're not allowed to own any assets." "No houses, no cars, no jewellery nothing but the shirt on your back." "It sounds easy, don't it?" "Yeah." "You'll find out." "No, no, no, no." "Now." "You can hire anybody you want but you gotta get value for their services." "You can donate five per cent to charity and gamble another five per cent away but you can't give it away." "That includes buying' the Hope diamond." "for some bimbo as a birthday present." "Oh, I know what you're thinking, Brewster." "You'll buy yourself a dozen Picassos and use them for firewood, right?" "Wrong!" "You must not destroy what is inherently valuable." "That's instant disqualification." "Oh, yeah." "I almost forgot." "You're not allowed to tell anybody why you have to spend this money." " Why can't I tell my friends?" " I don't want anybody helping you out." "Nobody helped me out in that closet with those cigars." "I never had any friends." "Well, Brewster, what do you think?" "You got the balls for it?" "I doubt it." "That's why I put a special wimp clause in my will." "You can have a million dollars right now and forget the whole thing." "Or you can go for the big one, Brewster the 300 million." "But if you fail you don't get diddly." "This is the million dollars." "Oh!" "Jeez!" "I never seen that much money in my life." "We've investigated your background, Mr. Brewster." "The highest salary you've ever had is $11,000 for one season with the Toledo Mud Hens." "You've never even had a credit card in your entire life." "Think of spending a million dollars a day for 30 days with no assets to show for it." "It's quite difficult to spend money without accumulating assets, even if the money is spent foolishly." "Surely no one could blame you for refusing such an eccentric gamble?" "That's good advice." "Take the million." "It's yours!" "What happens if I don't take the million and I try for the whole thing and I fail?" "Granville  Baxter would administrate the estate in some charitable fashion for a considerable fee, I'm sure." " What do you think?" " I don't benefit either way, Mr. Brewster." "I'm a completely neutral observer." "Whew." ""Bird in the hand." That's what my grandma used to say." "I'm gonna go for the 300 million." "When you appear before us again in 30 days you must be totally penniless, without assets of any kind having just the receipt for your expenses and the clothes on your back." "Are you certain you wanna do this?" "No, sir, I'm not, but I'm gonna have a lotta fun finding out." " Send Drake up here immediately." " Good luck." "You're due back in 30 days." "Gentlemen, shall we say 12 midnight exactly?" "We're going to assign a paralegal from our accounting department..." " ...to keep track of your expenditures." " Does he know about the 300 million?" "Drake just knows that you've inherited $30 million which must be precisely accounted for." "If you tell Drake the truth, you'll automatically lose the entire inheritance." "I ain't telling Drake shit." "My lips are sealed." "Lock 'em." "Throw away the key." ""Hello, Drake." "This is the way I talk." "How you doin', Drake?"" "Miss Drake." "This is Mr. Brewster, the client we briefed you about." "Oh, yes, Mr. Brewster." "It's very nice to meet you." " It doesn't rain, it pours." " I beg your pardon?" "The 30 million is deposited in a bank across the street." "I imagine you'd like to make sure it's real, possibly make a withdrawal." " Yeah, I'd like to make sure it's real." " Step this way, please." " Hey, good luck." " Yes, sir." " Spike!" " What's wrong?" " What's wrong?" " Spike!" "Spike!" " You look like you've seen a ghost." " I..." "I..." "I did." "I'm not." "I'm OK." "We're gonna be back on the team!" "I may own the team." " What?" " I'm gonna be crazy for a while." "But I'm not crazy." "People will think I am." "You stick with me." " You work here?" " No." "They hired me to follow you." "Would you like to work for more money than you've ever made?" "I mean, it's a job." "I gotta check and see if it's real first." "Are you interested?" " Yeah, are you kiddin'?" " Bring your camera." "Would you mind telling me what's going on?" "What did they do to you?" "What do you mean, what did they do?" "I think I just inherited $30 million." "Oh, is that all?" "I thought we did somethin' wrong." "30 million." "Why didn't you tell me?" "$30 million!" "Are you kiddin' me?" "Monty's my best friend." "Things like this don't happen often." "This is incredible news!" "The man just got $30 million given to him." "This is a good day." "We're always gonna remember it." "$30 million!" "That makes us rich." "Well, it makes him rich." "What a great day we're having." "Me!" "He's having a wonderful day." "I'm having a good time, too." "I'm his best friend." "Did I tell you?" "Jesus." "This is real m-m-m money." "We're gonna have a lotta fun with this kind of money." " It's real." " It is indeed, Mr. Brewster." " Let's not be rash with our money." " Right." "Jake, I'd like to hire you as my official photographer." " Salary, $10,000 a week." " $10,000 a week?" "This guy's a jerk!" "Shut up." "I accept." "Hold still for the camera, Mr. Brewster." "Not bad for a guy who didn't finish college." "You're doin' great, but, uh..." "I don't think you inherited me with your money." "Needless to say, we'll be offering you the special 24% interest rate we reserve for major corporations and a few of our Arab friends." "I don't want any interest!" "I want it in a regular account that doesn't pay anything." "It's your vault." "I should pay you rent." " Very good, Mr. Brewster." " Mr. Brewster you'd be giving up $7.2 million a year just in interest alone." "I shouldn't take advantage of people." "Am I right?" "Oh, yes, sir." "Right you are, Mr. Brewster." "I'd like to get $3 million in cash now and take it with me." "Do you know how much $3 million in cash is?" "You don't walk around that!" " You'd need an army of security guards." " The man's right." " What do they pay you here?" " 350 a week before taxes." "You can't live on that." "This is a dangerous job." "I'll pay you $2,000 a week to be the chief of my security." " No, no, no, no." " Oh, yeah." "That's wrong." "OK, $4,000 a week." "And you get 20 other guys and I'll pay 'em $3,000 a week." " You miss the point, Monty." " Go get the $3 million and follow me." " Yes, sir!" " Everybody follow me!" "Monty, listen to me." "This is Spike, your pal." "You don't do things like that!" " I'll tell you what's goin' on." " You don't even know those people!" "They're gonna think I'm crazy, but I'm not." "Stick with me." "This is the way we're gonna beat the baseball system." "You got more heart than any catcher I know." "I can get anybody out for three innings." "With this inheritance, this is our ticket to the big leagues." " Do you understand?" "You with me?" " Well, yeah!" "Well, let's go!" "That's right." "Take some pictures." " Get more cameras." " What do you want more cameras for?" "I want it to be on film." "I need a record of it." "Watch the goddamn ball, Johnson!" "You're not a farmer!" "Don't swing at shit in the dirt!" "What?" "Collect call from who?" "Switchboard says it's Brewster." "Probably from jail." "Just what I need." "Tell him he owes me 200 bucks." "Yeah." "I'll accept the call." "Charley, I'm not drunk." "I'm in New York and I just inherited 30 million bucks." "I'm about to go into negotiations to buy the team." "Actually, I better rent the team..." "What kind of a crap play is that?" "Wilson, you idiot!" "You don't steal second when you're down two runs!" "Brewster, do me a favour." "Go crazy on your own time and charges." "The team's going to shit, we could miss the play-offs." "I'm in no mood for jokes." "That's why I'm gonna raise your salary" " I love your dedication!" "I am gonna get the team new uniforms, a team box with air-conditioning and a TV." "I'm gonna arrange it so we can play the New York Yankees!" "Right, right." "OK, just tell me one thing, Mr. Millionaire." "You're so rich." "Why are you calling collect?" "They only gave me $100 bills." "I had to rent this quarter from my accountant." "Yeah, I know." "It's a big problem." "Nighty-night, sweet prince." "Nighty-night?" "Charley!" "He doesn't believe me." "Thanks for the loan of the quarter." "Wow!" "Now that's really nice." "It's beautiful." "But there is no way I could spend over $200,000 for something you wear around your neck." "You know how many hungry people that could feed?" "Let's go to lunch." "Yo!" "Taxi!" " Who the hell is that?" " Monty Brewster, the world's richest guy." "Would you like to be my personal driver for the next 30 days at $5,000 a week?" "You wanna hire a piece-of-shit cab for $5,000 a week?" " Cash!" " What a country!" "America, I love it!" "You could hire a fleet of limousines for that money!" " You know where to hire limousines?" " Yeah." "Hire me three of the most expensive limousines you can find, with drivers." "Bring the receipts and give 'em to Miss Drake." "We're goin' to lunch now." "Hey, everybody." "Anybody wanna go to lunch?" "I'm buying." "Yeah!" " Buzz off." "I'm his personal photographer." " This is a free country." " Come on, Spike!" " Wait for me, pal!" "Taxi!" " What's your name?" " Melvin." " Melvin, give him $500." " Yes, sir." "Look at all that money." "You have the most beautiful eyes." "I was hired to keep your accounts for 30 days." "That's the extent of my services." " To where is our destination?" " Monty!" "How you doin', pal?" "Get in!" "That's Spike." "We're buddies." "We're all together." "200 people at $100 a head." "No." "We're hungry. $200 a head." "And what's the most expensive wine you have?" "That's the Château Lafite 1961." "It's $200 a bottle." " You guys like Lafite?" " Yeah!" "Excuse my expression, but you think I'm a real asshole." "A country bumpkin that flashes his money around like some big shot?" " I'm not your judge." " What college did you go to?" "That has nothing to do with anything." "Give me a break." "I just wanna know what college you went to." "All right." "I went to Loyola..." "Loyola, Chicago." "I know the city and I know the college." "Put that back." "And the ashtray." "What's with you?" "Go sit somewhere else." "Get off my back." "And use your fork instead of your fingers." " That's how it's usually done." " Oh, is that right?" "The boss found a job for you yet, by the way?" "Like "designated eater"?" "Look, I don't want a job." "I'm his friend." "What's that pay?" "Let me hire somebody to do that for you and we could have a lot of fun tonight." "That's very flattering, but I'm meeting my fiancé." " Who's the lucky guy?" " Warren Cox." "He's a junior partner at my firm." " Is he a lawyer too?" " He's not just a lawyer." "He's involved with the Sierra Club, UNICEF and he's a sincere feminist." "I bet." "A guy with so many activities, where does he find the time for you?" "It's hard sometimes." "We're tryin' to do more things together." " I'd like to meet him sometime." " He's a very busy man." " I'd pay him for his time." " I don't think so." "I know you think you can buy everything and everybody in the world but I doubt that you could ever buy Warren." "This is Chuck Fleming, Action News, in Manhattan." "Now arriving at the Plaza Hotel is Montgomery Brewster, baseball pitcher who earlier today inherited $30 million tax-free, and is still celebrating." "Mr. Brewster, what will you do with that money?" "Spend it." "No, just kidding." "I'm forming a corporation tonight." "Tomorrow, we go into business." " What kind of business is that?" " As you know, my business is baseball but since I've inherited $30 million, I have to branch out." "I've always had a soft spot for artists and painters, writers, inventors." "I'm gonna form this business and I want everybody to get a shot." "Even if you've been turned down a thousand times, I'm hiring." "How many people have you hired already, Mr. Brewster?" "Well, I think you should ask my senior vice president, Spike Nolan." "Yeah." "Spike." "Uh, I'm paying him $100,000 a month to figure it out." "100,000!" "Did you hear?" "100,000 a month!" "Chuck Fleming!" " Hey, are we on the air now, Chuck?" " Yes, right there." "Can I say something to all the people who thought I was a loser?" "Thanks, Chuck!" "Hey, Monty!" "Monty!" "Spike Nolan, the catcher for the Hackensack Bulls." "I would love to accommodate you and your friends but the top two floors have already been reserved." "They'll be occupied within two weeks." "How much are they paying you?" "$100,000 a week." " Wow!" "Mister, uh..." " Carter." "Mr. Carter, I like your hotel." "My friends like your hotel." " Do you like this hotel?" " I do." "I love it." "He loves it, too." "Listen." "I'll tell you what." "For the next month, I'll pay you $1 million in cash." "Sign here, please." "Hey, Melvin." "How they hangin', my friend?" "You look good." "Real big league." " Nice, huh?" " They're in the bedroom." "Thanks for your help." "Monty!" "Hey, Monty, old pal!" "Hey, pal, get a load of this." "What d'you think?" "I found it all in one shop." "This was made for Johnny Bench." "He didn't pick it up so I got it." "A catcher's mask!" " Oh, Monty, I can't thank you enough." " It's, uh..." "What do you think?" " Hey!" "They just made that for you?" " Yeah." " Wow!" "Honest?" " Honest." " Too conservative for me." " What?" " For me!" "This is the new Spike Nolan!" " I know, but this is great." "Great on you, but great is your accountant." "Very nice!" "Yeah, but she thinks I'm a lowlife." " I can understand that." " Get outta here!" "Gentlemen, am I a lowlife?" " Oh, no, Mr. Brewster." " Oh, no." "Not with these clothes." " See what I mean?" " Oh, and you listen to these people?" "Now, look." "I know that this is none of my business but, at this rate you'll spend your inheritance in a month and you'll have nothing to show for it." "Excuse me, sir." "There's a Mr. Warren Cox here to see Miss Drake." "Warren!" "How you doin'?" "Monty Brewster." "Pleased to meet you." "I've heard so much about you." "My God!" "I hear you're a swell fella." "We're drinking some champagne." " Hello, dear." " Hi." "I'll get this." "Is it raining out?" "Not at the moment, but you never know." "Better safe than sorry." "That's my philosophy, too." " Have a drink." " Thank you, no." "I don't drink alcohol." " Uh-oh." "We'll be late for that benefit." " Benefit?" "It's the committee to ban contact sports." "Studies show that sanctioned violence has a detrimental effect on young people." "I do a little legal work for the committee." "Not messin' with baseball, are you?" "Baseball?" "No." "Boxing, football, ice hockey - the truly barbaric sports." " I'd like to make a small contribution." " I think we're gonna be very late." "Darling, this is what the benefit is for, to raise money." " In a sense, we're at the benefit now." " So am I. $100,000 OK?" "$100,000?" "Thank you... very, very much." " Here, have a drink." " Thank you." "I will." " Warren, you don't even drink." " One little sip won't hurt." "That's right." " This is a wonderful suite you have." " I'm glad you like it." "Look at that." "Two Louis XVI chairs with a... good tapestry fabric." "That's a nice attempt at a classic French piano." "Maria Theresa chandelier..." "I see what your decorator was trying to do." "There's a definite continuity to all the elements in the room." " I'd have done a few things differently..." " You know so much about all this stuff." "Well, my ex-wife Marilyn's a decorator." "I guess at lot of it rubbed off on me." " You could really help me out." " How's that?" "Well, I'd like for you to redecorate my offices." "I'd pay you, of course." "Uh... $250,000?" " I..." "I don't know what to say." " Say yes." "Mr. Brewster, I'm a lawyer." "I'm sure New York is full of decorators who would die for that opportunity." "This is so out of my field, to use a metaphor from your profession." "If the job's too big for you, say no." "No." "I mean, I'm not saying no." "Not at all." "I'm not saying that." "Warren!" "You're a lawyer, you are not a decorator." "What's wrong with being a decorator?" "Marilyn makes a good living." "That's it!" "Marilyn!" "She could help you." "I'd pay her $100,000 if that's not an insult." "Well, I'd have to ask her, but I think she'd be delighted." "You said you never get to see your fiancé." "This way, you get to see him every day." "Just trying to be helpful." "What about your job and our honeymoon?" "It would only be for two weeks." "We've got a whole lifetime for our honeymoon." " A whole lifetime." " It was a pleasure meeting you..." " ..." "Monty?" " Warren." "Angela wanted me to call from the lobby, but I wanted to come up and meet you mano a mano." "I'm glad I did." " Warren... me, too." " Let's go, Warren." "Are you leaving?" "Oh, goodness, no." "Hey, wait a minute." "Better safe than sorry." " Good night, Mr. Brewster." " Hey, call me Monty." "Warren does." " Hey, let me get the door." " Thank you." " You drive careful." " Yes, I will." " Good night." "Nice meeting you." " Nice meeting you." "Now that was a real asshole." "You want to take a month off to be Mr. Brewster's interior decorator?" "I realise that it's a rather unorthodox request, sir but it's an incredible opportunity." "Actually, he wants me to start working for him this morning, in about 20 minutes." " How much is he paying you?" " A quarter of a million dollars, sir." "Yes, we understand that kind of opportunity." "I think a leave of absence can be arranged." "As I'm sure you know, Mr. Horn was our most important client." "The firm is naturally concerned with how Mr. Brewster conducts himself with his inheritance." "If you're in his employ, it could make it easier for us if you could act as our eyes and ears." "Absolutely." "No problem." "My first loyalty would always be to the firm." "Keep us posted." "Oh... and don't mention this conversation to Miss Drake or anyone else." "Oh, of course not." "And thank you." "Thank you both very much." "Good morning, Melvin." "Here's the money." " You think I'm crazy?" " Crazy?" "Of course not." "Let's go do business." " Hi, Monty." "Big day ahead, pal." " Great!" "Let's kick some butt around here." " Let's kick some butt around here." " What?" " Who the hell are you?" " Who the hell are you?" "I'm Morty King, king of the mimics." "Anything you say will be repeated." "I'm like a Xerox machine." " Warren, hold it more to the left." " Your left or my left?" "There's Warren." "That must be Marilyn." "Hey!" " Watch your mouth." " Watch your mouth." "Warren, don't you remember anything I taught you?" "It's my left." "It's always my left." "It's the decorator's left." "Watch out!" "Oh, Warren." "Are you OK?" "Oh, my God." "Be careful." " Hi." "I'm Monty Brewster." " Monty Brewster!" "How do you do?" "I've heard so much about you." " Please, may I call you Monty?" " Of course." "Monty, I have the most wonderful idea." "I am going to do for you a postmodern fantasy in here." " I knew this was a terrible idea." " You don't like postmodern fantasy?" " Shut your eyes and see Mesopotamia..." " Mesopotamia." " ...meeting Busby Berkeley." " Yes, it sounds... it's a knockout." " We're gonna knock out the walls." " Every one." "Everywhere." " Spare no expense." " Spare no expense." " It's only for a month." " And it's gonna be a very long month." " Get four sets." " Get four sets." "Wonderful." "Angela, I need to speak to you." "Please." "Angela, did Warren tell you that, as my wedding gift to you I'm decorating your apartment for free?" " That's great, Marilyn." "Thank you." " Pas de quoi." "Spike, you know what I'd like you to do?" "Choke this guy." "Come on, asshole." "I'll give you a line on anything." "Baseball, basketball, football, ponies." "Come on with me." "I gotta get my messages." "My name is Dr. Jason." "I'd like to draw your attention to this area here." "This is the Arabian desert." "It is as dry as a bone." "Ice water can cost you as much as $5 a glass." "This is the North Pole." "It's an ice floe." "Floating throughout this region are many icebergs, and nobody owns them." "They're PDIs - public domain icebergs." "I think you're beginning to recognise how simple this idea is." "Now." "I would like to go there and select a good-size iceberg dig out a chamber from its rear drop in two 20,000-horsepower diesel engines and sail Brewster's Berg Number One to Mecca." " What do you think, sir?" " I don't know what to think." "Hello." "Yes?" "What?" "It went up?" " Well, sell it." " Don't sell it." "You buy when it's like that." " Great idea." "What's your name?" " Luther." "I want to bet on every long shot in every race, over 50-1, this week at Aqueduct." "For the week?" "Yeah, I can cover it." " How much would it take to do this?" " Oh, no." "It melts and he knows it." "We would experience a loss of only 18% on the entire trip." "Hey!" "Think of what that means to all those thirsty Arab farmers." " What thirsty Arab farmers?" " There aren't any." "There's no farmers in the desert, Monty!" "Well, I think that's unfair." ""Loyola vs Notre Dame?" In a field-hockey game?" "This is fabulous!" " You went to Loyola." " You gotta be kidding." "I wanna bet $50,000 that Loyola wins." "$50,000 on Loyola over Notre Dame and $5,000 on every long shot for the week." "You are down." "It's field hockey!" "If I gave you $1 million for this, would that be enough?" "$1 million." "That would be great, sir." " Hello." " Brewster!" " Charley!" "How you doin'?" " All right!" " I just bought an iceberg." " Not yet, he hasn't." " And I rented a whole stadium." " What?" "I'm gonna spare no expense in fixing it up and making it look like a big-league stadium because we're gonna play an exhibition game with the Yankees." " The Yankees?" " New York Yankees." " I gotta get the guys on the bus." " Don't take the bus." "Chuck Fleming." "I'm at Battery Park with Montgomery Brewster and entourage awaiting the arrival of the Hackensack Bulls here to tune up for an unprecedented game with the New York Yankees." "Yee-ha ha!" "For Christ's sake, you fly us all the way from Jersey then you get these choppers to fly us back here." "By bus, we'd have been here two hours ago." "Not my team." "From now on, we travel first class!" "Charley, welcome to New York City!" "You guys look great." "How you like the new uniforms?" "Wait till you see the apartments I rented for you guys." "He rented apartments for these guys?" "Apartments?" "Penthouses with swimming pools." "27 players, everybody's got their own place." "We're gonna have a lotta fun, we're gonna get in shape and beat the Yankees!" "You oughtta lock him up for his own good." "What's he think he's doin'?" "The Yankees see this, they're gonna rub it in." "Come on, Charley, relax!" "Enjoy yourself!" "I hope we haven't underestimated him." " I beg your pardon?" " Oh, you're doing fine." "This is the kind of flagrant misuse of money we want to be apprised of." "He's wasting millions of dollars." "Look at what he's spent on the decorations." "Wait till you see the practice field." "It's great." "I'm gonna have the bus take us over to the island." " The practice field's on Long Island?" " Yeah." "The airport's on Long Island." "You flew us in from the airport to here so we could take the bus back?" "I couldn't get the band on the runway." "They wouldn't let me, no matter how much money I offered." "Oh, yeah." "You can't play baseball without a band." "Right." "Come on, let's get on the bus." "Come on." "Move it!" "Beautiful, Benny!" "Pick it up!" "The white ball!" "Hey, come on!" "I don't know what's the matter with them." "We play better than that." "Maybe they're a little tight." "Maybe they're tired from that long flight you chartered for them from Newark." "I'm gonna go warm up, Miss Drake." "Why don't you try the same?" "Hey, come on!" "Look good out there!" "Let's do 6-4-3." "Pepper it up!" "Collins, you got trouble with your glove?" "Try catching' it with your ass." "Hi, operator?" "Mr. Brewster's suite, please." " What?" " Hi, Brewster." "This is Angela." " Angela who?" " Angela Drake." " Miss Drake." " Could." "I come up and talk to you?" " Talk to me now?" " Mm-hm." " Perhaps in the morning." " It's important." "I need to see you now." " Can't you tell me over the phone?" " No, because, look..." "This could do both of us a world of good, if you know what I mean." " Have you been drinking?" " No, not at all." "And you wanna come up here to my room now?" "Mm-hm." " Miss Drake?" " Uh-huh?" " Angela." " Yes." " Give me five minutes." " OK." "Miss Drake says there's a mad bomber in the building." "They're getting the people out of the hotel." "Listen." "Just get your wrap and you go away." "You can come back tomorrow." "We can start all over." " Well?" "Did he fall for it?" " Yeah, he fell for it." "We're doing it for his own good!" "Come on!" "Adieu." "I was expecting you." "The door's open." "Come in." "The door's open." "Angela, hello." "Hello, Angela." "Just be cool." " Hi, Spike." " Hi." "She's really a very nice girl..." " Hi." " Hi, Spike." "The door's open." "Come in." "Hi." "Eugene Provost, financial adviser." " Who in hell's this?" " A money man." "Money?" "For the past five years, this guy's predicted 88%." "88% of what this guy says makes money." "88.4% to be exact, but who's counting?" "I'm so confident of my ability, I will only take 15% of your profits after taxes." "In other words, I only get paid if you profit from my advice." " Then you're hired." " $100,000 a week plus 15%." "Monty, the man doesn't want the $100,000." "The man's gonna have to take $100,000." "That's what the job pays." "$100,000 a week plus 15%." "What do you say?" " I'll make an exception in your case." " Good!" "Sure." "Join the club." "Hey. 9.15." "This is way past your bedtime, Miss Drake." "You'll never know, Mr. Brewster." "Be sure to get home before the sun comes up." "D'you know what I mean?" "Good night, gentlemen." "Come on." "Settle down, will ya?" "Throw your arm out." "Goddamn it." "She's gonna be real mad when she finds out what's goin' on." "Will you forget about Angela?" "She's a bad investment." "Eugene is helping me out with my investments." "You know... precious metals, some rare coins, some old stamps, stuff like that." " He says it's a ledge against inflation." " Stamps." "Thank you." "Do you sell stamps?" "I think that you want the stationery store across the street." "The stamps we have are very rare, very expensive." "How expensive?" " Well, let me show you, Mr, uh..." " Montgomery Brewster." "Montgomery Brewster!" "I have been reading about you in the newspaper." "I'd like to see your most expensive stamp." "Ah!" "One moment." "This may be the first intelligent thing he's done with his money." "Maybe he's coming to his senses." "What do you think?" "I'm getting paid to take pictures." "My job is not to interpret reality." " You're a real jerk, you know that?" " Ain't that the truth." "Tell it to my accountant." "As you can see, the airplane was accidentally printed upside down." "Of the 100 of these stamps originally printed this is the only known copy in existence." "Baron Levitsky recently offered $850,000 for it and I laughed in his face." "I'd say the stamp he's bought is a considerable asset." "He doesn't even understand the rules yet." "Let's see him get out of this one." " Good morning." "Here's the mail." " Thank you." " Is there anything else I can do?" " Hold on a minute." " Norris." " Hm?" "Hackensack Bulls." ""Having a wonderful time." "Wish you were here." "Best wishes, Monty Brewster."" "God!" "It isn't an asset any more." "He's mailed it." " Get Cox over here." " Right away, sir." "The son of a bitch." "So, in confidence, you can see it's vital to the firm that Brewster does not succeed in spending $30 million." "He's made a fool of you and your ex-wife." "We think he has designs on your fiancée." "An error in book-keeping discovered at the last moment should do the trick." "Say a $20,000 mistake in Mr. Brewster's favour." "It'll be our insurance policy." "And the $300 million will go to the firm." "Granville, Baxter and Cox." "Welcome aboard, Warren." "The big story on Wall Street is that Icebergs International has been bought out by Wometco Petroleum in order to secure tax benefits within the common market." "This will enable..." " Is he a genius, or is he a genius?" " Can't understand it, Mr. Brewster?" "The stock, which was valued. at 1½, now has a par value of over $9 a share." "I wanna sell my stock in the Iceberg." "Sell?" "Oh, no." "That doesn't seem like a very smart thing..." " Mr. Brewster?" " What?" "The parent company, Wometco, is one of the strongest in the petroleum market." "They've been good performers in profits and dividends." "Don't sell." "You've got obligations." "A huge payroll, overhead, retirement plans." " You don't wanna lay anyone off, do ya?" " No, I don't." "Count it." "It's all here." "Nothing but long shots, huh?" "You just won yourself a cool million five, wise guy." "The word is out on you." "I had to lay these bets off all over town." "You don't make another bet in this city again, ever!" "Loyola 18, Notre Dame, zilch." "Thanks a lot, baby." "This is unreported income gained from an illegal venture." "I recommend that you dispatch a courier to Switzerland and deposit this money in a secret account." "I don't want it." "I'll give it to charity." " What's your favourite charity?" " There are many worthwhile charities." "Many worthwhile charities!" "Divide it up amongst the many charities and give it to them." "And go back to work, because this is a business and we're doing business and nobody's business." "Do it." "Business." "Good." "I want business done." "That was so wonderful what you just did in there." "I know you think I'm always complaining but I can't stand seeing these people take advantage of you." "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but you don't know what I'm trying to do." " What are you trying to do?" " What I'm trying to do..." "Monty." " Could you step in here for a moment?" " Of course, Marilyn." " Good afternoon, Angela." " Hello, Marilyn." "Well, Monty." "What do you think of our postmodern fantasy?" "Hello, darling." "Marilyn's really outdone herself this time, don't you think?" "It's good." "It is very good, Marilyn." "But it's not great." "I want you to reach deep down inside yourself this time and come up with something unique." "I wanna walk in this room and say "Monty, I wanna die in this room."" "I wanna die in this room, Marilyn." "And double the workmen's salary." "I mean, they look exhausted." "Help out." "Come on!" "It's a business." "Angela!" "I'm not gonna be able to make dinner, darling." " There's just too much to be done." " Whatever you say, Warren." "A room you want to die in." " What?" " What were you trying to tell me?" "I don't know how to say this." "Even though I'm not the person you thought I was I'm not the person that you think I am now either." "But why does making money make you miserable..." " ...and when you lose it, you act happy?" " I can't get used to being rich." "But you mustn't just squander the money." "Squander it?" "I'm making millions." "We got off to a bad start." "I thought we'd take a ride and get to know each other." "You'll find out I'm not such a bad guy." " Miss Drake, your chariot awaits." " Oh, no." "I can't accept this." " This is a $125,000 car." " Eugene said I needed a tax write-off." "Can't we take a ride without having an argument?" "I promise not to spend any money..." "except on you for lunch." "All right." "But lunch and then that's it." " So where shall we go?" " You're drivin'." "Ooh, there's a nice little restaurant near the place where I grew up." "It's not fancy, but..." "What the..." "Are you all right?" " I think so." " Are you sure?" "I'm terribly sorry." "The parking attendant left my car in first." "When I turned on the ignition, it shot forward." "Are you all right?" " Fine, but you look hurt." " Honestly, I'm fine." "Look, here's my driver's licence." "Great!" "Don't be ridiculous." "Put that away." "You're in a state of shock." "Emotional trauma." " What are you talkin' about?" " Brain damage." "He doesn't know." "Hey, George!" "Get an ambulance!" "Are you all right, Mr. Brewster?" "Brewster?" "Montgomery Brewster?" "Yes, that's me." "I don't feel very good." "I'm starting to lose feeling in my legs." " Stop it!" "Can't you see he's faking?" " I can't have this on my conscience." "Dear sir." "Could you settle this out of court for a couple of hundred thousand dollars?" " Two ex-wives." " Two ex-wives?" "300,000?" "You go to the doctor's right away, OK?" "You give him this for a prescription..." "and you'll be all right." " Thank you." " Have a good day!" "Get a cold compress for that thing on your head." "Nice man." "See, the cheque'll be a receipt." "I'm starving." "I'm ready to go to lunch now." "I wanna meet your family." "Meet my family?" "What do you wanna do?" "Buy 'em?" "I would be ashamed to introduce my family to you!" "Angela!" "Wait." "Listen to me." "Angela!" "Will you wait a minute?" "I did the best I could." "That wasn't that man's fault." "The first time you get some money, what do you do?" "You spend it and show off." "You just gave away $300,000!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, look at that." "Isn't that awful?" "I don't believe it." "How tasteless." "That girl is ungrateful, considering all the things you've done to try to improve her." "I just think this is unforgivable." "Thank you." "You may not be interested in what Marilyn and I are doing but we have a real shot at getting our work into AD next month." " AD?" " Architectural Digest." "That's wonderful." "I'm happy for you and Marilyn." " Are you all right?" " I'm not very happy with this situation." " You could have fooled me." " What's that supposed to mean?" "That you and Monty seem to be getting along well." "Give everybody else in here whatever they're drinking." "Champagne, anything." "Yes, sir." "Drinks on the house!" "Courtesy of Mr. Brewster." "Monty Brewster's extravagance knows no bounds." "After paying the highest-recorded." "price for a stamp Brewster today shelled. out a record. $600,000 for five cases of 114-year-old." "French wine." "He stunned. the crowd. at the auction house by not only paying in cash for the wine but by opening all 60 bottles at a reception for the public afterwards." "At $10,000 a bottle, that's gotta be the most expensive hangover I've heard. of." " Angela?" " What?" "I asked if your feelings had changed." "How can I make it any clearer?" "Can you pay for the drinks and let's go?" "The drinks are on Monty." " Brewster?" " Yes?" "Looks like you've got a busy evening ahead of you." "Yeah, I'm too busy to have fun." "I gotta spend money." " Mailing that stamp was quite ingenious." " You like that?" "And the wine auction?" "Again, very imaginative." "I understand it cost $600,000, according to Miss Drake." "There she goes again, as usual." "I am tired of acting like a rich asshole for everybody." "I'm fed up." "I should've took Uncle Rupert's wimp clause." "I don't think I can pull this off." "I don't know, but that baseball game you're planning sounds like a good step." "My left leg." "See?" "I planted it down wrong." "I was off balance." "Ooh!" "Go ahead, Monty." "Now that's the Monty I know." "Hi, Monty." "How's it going, buddy?" " Tell him the good news." " You tell him." " I got good news and bad news." " Tell him the bad news first." "The bad news is I did what you wanted me to do." "I got rid of your Iceberg stocks." " That's great." " You ready for the good news?" "I took Eugene's advice." "I admit, without you knowing, I used the corporate name." " I made some investments for you." " That's OK." "What did I buy?" "A commodity thing, an oil well..." " He just made you $10 million." " $10 million!" " Woo-hoo hoo!" "Yee-ha ha!" " Isn't that wonderful?" "Ten million, ten million, ten million dollars!" "No!" "Damn it!" "I'm right back where I started, damn it!" "Jesus." "$10 million. $10 million." "What's the matter, Monty?" "I make the guy $10 million and he acts like it's a funeral." "It's American money." "Congratulations." "About that furniture you wanted us to rent." "I'm afraid the company requires a substantial cash deposit. $20,000." "$20,000." "Hey, don't forget." "To give Angela the receipt?" "I know." " Have to keep those books straight." " Yeah." "So long." "I'd like to be alone... by myself." "No problem." "You must be getting psyched up for the Yankee game." "He always does this." "He gets cranky cos he's getting psyched up for a big game." "Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't." "This time we'll just leave him alone." " I don't get it." " Yeah, what is with him?" " We should consider psychiatric help." " What are you?" "Nuts?" "OK." "With two weeks until the election, this station is sorry to report that it is unable to endorse either of the candidates for mayor of New York." "Both Mr. Heller and Mr. Salvino have been pumping scandalous amounts of money into slick advertising campaigns that, so far, have only demonstrated. their ability to slander each other and squander campaign contributions." "In the view of this station, the only issue being raised. by this debate is whether the city of New York is for sale and just how much slush money it will take to buy it." "Running for office is expensive, and it's unheard of to do it with your own money." " Yeah." "What's he know about politics?" " He's trying to do some good." "I've figured this out." "That's why he gets upset when he makes a profit." "It makes him feel guilty." "He's trying to do the right thing for once in his life." "Mr. Brewster!" "Mr. Brewster!" "Mr. Brewster, could you give us your reasons for your sudden and unexpected candidacy?" "I figure voting for Salvino or Heller is just as silly as them running for office." "That's as silly as me running for office." "What is not silly is the power of the people's vote." "I think the people should use it to vote for none of the above!" "Are we to understand that you don't actually want anyone to vote for you?" "What I'm saying is I think only an idiot would vote for me." "Mr. Brewster, have you taken positions on any of the issues facing the city?" "Sanitation, union corruption..." "The bottom line is I'm here to buy your votes." "With only 10 days left before the election how will you find support for that position?" "I don't expect support." "I'm asking people not to send money in to my candidacy." "They should keep their money." "They'll need it after this election." "Monty Brewster." "That's me, right?" "Tonight, I'm here to talk to you about "None of the above"." "You know how, at election time, you decide not to vote because the two candidates are so repulsive?" "Repulsive's not the word." "We 're all full of shit." "I didn't think you could use that kind of language on television." "Maybe he's just trying to get his point across." "I never wear a suit and a tie." "Never." "These are just things politicians use to trick you into thinking they're respectable." "Well... to the politician, huh?" " He bought prime time on every station?" " Worse than that, he's on network." "He's running spots in all 52 states in case any New Yorkers are on vacation." "Write in '"None of the above'" on your ballot." "Don't vote for any of us." "We 're assholes." "We'll only make things worse." "Let's d. rink to it." "I wanna thank you for coming out today to see to it that neither my opponents nor me win the election." "I wanna ask the question." " Who's buying the booze?" " You are!" " Who's buying the food?" " You are!" " And who's tryin' to buy your vote?" " You are!" " And who you're gonna vote for?" " None of the above!" " Say it again!" " None of the above!" " Let me hear it one more time!" " None of the above!" "Brewster!" "Brewster!" "Brewster!" "Call it outrageous." "Call it a breath of fresh air." "But what you can no longer call it is a joke campaign." "Eccentric multimillionaire Montgomery Brewster is electrifying crowds and is starting to show up in the polls." "All this reporter can say is I hate to see what he could do if he was serious." "So, what do you wanna talk about?" " Me?" "Your people called my people." " Bullshit." "Your people moved first." "What's the difference?" "We got the same problem." "Brewster." "You heard what he said about us yesterday." "I'll quote it for you." ""Heller and Salvino are both just a couple of overgrown wharf rats."" ""Why else would anybody spend $10 million to get a $60,000-a-year job unless he planned to steal it back with interest?"" "You and I are gonna sue him for every cent he's got." "That's very good, Heller." "Very good." "I called 'em a couple of overgrown wharf rats and I had to pay 'em $4 million for the emotional damage it did." " What do you think of your opponents?" " They're slime." "You can quote me." "Don't quote him, please." "Any prediction on the game?" "I'm takin' that game more serious than I am this election." "Can we take anything you say seriously?" "It's like the saying: "If bullshit were money, I'd be a millionaire."" "Well, I'm a millionaire." "He didn't mean that." "Don't you dare quote him on that." "You must be so nervous about this game." "You put everything into it." "Not everything, but a lot." "This is my big day." "I'm pitching against the Yankees." "I can get any team out for three innings." "Good. afternoon." "The New York Yankee baseball network is on the air." "We've got a special edition of Yankee baseball a special three-inning exhibition game between the New York Yankees and - are you ready for this?" " the Hackensack Bulls." "I know they're the Yankees." "You know how many years I listened to you guys..." "Well, today we get our shot." "There's gonna be sports writers there." "Newscasters, TV, radio." "Johnson, you're 26 years old, right?" "You got a great glove." "Perfect swing." "But if you don't show your stuff out there, nobody's gonna know it." "Hey, you guys!" "Let's go out there and kick a little ass!" "And the Hackensack Bulls take the playing field!" "That was a great speech you made." "I know you got something to prove, but don't try to show these guys up." "Monty looks so tiny." "Those Yankees look so big." "Can he get hurt?" "Nah." "They'll just take his fast balls and dent some cars in the parkin' lot." "I better move my limousine." "No votes for Brewster!" "None of the above!" "Hear this crowd go crazy." "That's for Montgomery Brewster." "That financial-world wizard who came on the scene and continues to thrill and delight the fans of this stadium." "None of the above!" "None of the above!" "All right!" "Let's play ball." " Hackensack Bulls, huh?" " That's the name." "Robby digs in and we're under way." "Monty Brewster peers in at his sign and kicks in the first pitch." " Change-up?" " No, that was his fastball." "I guess you'd have to call that his change-up, hey, Biff?" " Swing on, it's a hotshot." " Out!" "You are out." "Ken Dixon stepping in for the Yanks." "Biff?" "Dixon's reputation as a tough competitor is legendary, Vinnie." "Hey, Ken Dixon." "It's a pleasure to be on the same field." "I admire your work." "You're a great hitter." " That pitcher of yours thinks he's cute." " He sure does." "You had a great season this year, Mr. Dixon." "I saw that game in Boston back in June, was it?" " Saw that game?" " Yeah, I saw that game." "I tell you." "Great game." "Two home runs." "A triple." "Six RBIs." "I can't believe..." " ...you didn't make the all-star team." " I didn't believe it either." "That was a foul ball." "Come on, Monty." "Keep it in there." " Dixon, I saw your wife on television." " Yeah?" " She sure is an ugly bitch." " Thanks." "Strike three, you're out!" "And you shut up." "Get outta here." "You shut up." "Get outta here." " You shut up." " What did I say?" " What happened, man?" " He called my wife an ugly bitch." " Snack bar!" " I'm a snack bar?" "You're an asshole." "It's a heated exchange." "Looks like this game may have some real spirit after all." "It's all right." "Come on." "One word out of you, fat boy, and you eat your mask." "You won't talk to me the way you did Dixon." "Can I help it if a guy can't take a joke?" "Have you ever seen his wife?" "Yeah." "Ugly bitch!" "There's a long d. rive to deep centre field." "Back, back, way back." "Mike Scharf with a brilliant leaping catch." " Uh-huh?" " Warren Cox." "You're expecting me." "Uh, yeah, right." "The refund." "Yes." "It's $20,000." "That's the receipt." "I'm glad to get rid of it." "Don't like having that kind of money around here." "The boss wasn't too happy when he found out Mr. Brewster didn't like the furniture." "Yes, it's a pity, but he has no taste." "By the way, how's the big game coming?" "Bulls are ahead one-zip, but they're starting to hit 'em." "Right." "No, no, no, no, no!" "Ken Dixon d. riving a grand-slam home run and the Yankees lead. it four to one." "Listen to that scattered." "applause here in Hackensack." "Sounds more like a death knell." "That is true Yankee baseball there, my friend." "New York Yankee power has burst a balloon over Hackensack, New Jersey." "Wouldn't you know that the Bronx Bombers'd be the bad guys?" "Oh, my!" "Gotta take you out, kid." "He just got lucky, Monty." "Hey, you did good, Brewster." "Real good." "I'm proud of you and all the guys." "What the hell, this is the New York Yankees." "Play ball!" "That was a valiant effort." "Your Uncle Rupert would've been proud of you." "I thought my Uncle Rupert didn't like losers." "Mr. Brewster, I don't think you're a loser." "If it's the money you're worried about, don't." "I only have $38,000 left." "I could spend that tonight in my sleep." "Yes, but it looks like you could win this election." "The job carries a $60,000 annual salary which would be considered an asset by the terms of the will." "OK, here are the final totals." "For the Yankees to win, four runs on four hits..." "Wait a minute." "Somethin' might be goin' on." "It looks like Brewster's gonna address this crowd of folks." "Kill the commercial, fellas." "We're gonna stay right here." "I'd like to take my hat off to the Yankees." "Anybody can inherit millions of dollars and buy hisself an election but it takes a real athlete to be a professional baseball player." "And that's what all these gentlemen here are today." "Real professionals." "See, the election was supposed to be a joke." "I didn't expect anybody to vote for me." "I didn't think I'd be taken seriously." "I thought "None of the above" was a pretty good idea." "I don't wanna be mayor." "I never did." "How about that, Biff?" "Monty Brewster is withdrawing from the election." "It's not all downhill." "I mean I still got $38,000 left." "I'm gonna throw a party tonight at the hotel in New York and you're all invited." "Hi." "I thought I'd find you here." "Since Warren's not around, I thought maybe I could escort you to the party." "I'm sorry about you retiring from baseball." "I know how much it meant to you." "That's all right." "It happens to everyone sooner or later." " It's the nature of the game." " Yeah." "I don't think there's anything left here for me to add up..." " ...so I guess this is goodbye." " Don't you wanna go to the party?" "Oh, no." "I couldn't stand another one." "I don't see what you could possibly be celebrating unless you think it's OK to squander $30 million?" "I don't." "I just think maybe it was a phase I was going through." "Tomorrow I won't be like this any more." "Come tomorrow, you are dead broke." "It's all over." "You don't even have a job playing baseball any more and what do you do?" "You throw a party with your last 38, 000!" "I pissed off so much money, I figured what difference does $38,000 make." "How dare you?" "That's more money than a lot of hardworking people earn in a year." "Get your values together cos you'll need 'em." "Wait until tomorrow, then you'll know what this is about." "Just forget it." "I hope you have fun at that party cos that's all you got left." "I love you." "Mr. Donaldo, we're accepting contributions for Mr. Brewster since he's currently insolvent." "Yeah." "Put some money in here now." "I didn't bring my wallet." "I thought this was a free party." " I see." "Too bad." " Do you put your money in tin cans?" "You got it, big boy." "This gravy train ain't gonna run for ever." "Oh-ho, what's this?" "Well, thank you very much." "This is generous of you." "Very generous." "I'm gonna put you on my Christmas-card list." "How about a glass of champagne?" "How about a bottle of champagne?" "I'm gonna get drunk." "Monty!" "Monty, good news, pal." "Good news." "Mr. Brewster, I think you're a hell of a nice man and we took up a collection for you." "You've paid us all so much money, we feel bad now that you're broke so would you take this money, please?" "I really appreciate this, but you know me." "I'll just spend it." "I can't take it." " Brother, take the money, please." " I can't." " Take the money." " No." "I know." "You don't want charity." "Forget the charity." "I was gonna save this for a rainy day." "I tell ya now, it's raining." "Except for a few suits that I bought, I saved almost every penny you gave me." "Now, I got an idea." "We're gonna buy a Corvette and drive across country to the Rocky Mountains." " We'll buy a cabin and go fishing..." " Spike, you're beautiful, man." "You are." " But you don't know." "Tomorrow..." " Yeah?" "Almost let the cat out of the bag, Uncle Rupert." "What are you talkin' about?" "I can't tell my closest friend cos my Uncle Rupert's a son of a bitch." " Why?" "What are you saying?" " Uh..." "Hey, it's supposed to be a party." "It's a party!" "How come everybody ain't dancing and having a good time?" "I mean, what?" "Somebody die?" "I gotta get full value for my money." "You heard him." "He said he doesn't want it." "Did you really spend all that money?" "Nice friend I turned out to be." "You give me money so I could play catch with you?" "Spike, you don't understand." "Nobody understands." "I don't even understand any more." "And I am sick of money." "I'm gonna take this and I'm gonna go and get tore up." "Give me a few bottles of what he's drinking, all right?" "It's after three, Mr. Brewster." "Checkout time?" "I'm afraid you'll have to leave now." "Like I always said, Mr. Carter." "You're a real nice man." "I believe everything you're wearing belongs to us, Mr. Brewster." "I almost forgot." "Just the clothes on my back." "That's what they said." "Piss off $30 million." "Makes a lot of sense, Uncle Rupert." "You asshole." "I'm gonna recommend your shop to all my friends." "You lease some great clothes." "All of 'em." "Keep this, too." "Monty?" "Well, hello." "I hardly recognised you." "It's ready, sir." "What do you think?" "Do you like it?" "Marilyn, this is the room I could die in." "Thank God." "I'm so glad." "OK, boys." "Take it all back." "I wish you had the dough to keep it, Monty." " Taxicab, Mr. Brewster?" " I can't afford it now." "I'm outta money." "You'll never guess who I voted for this morning. "None of the above"." "That's good." "That's real good." "This is Chuck Fleming in Times Square." "That newsflash tells it all." "Former candidate Montgomery Brewster who withdrew from the campaign yesterday, and apparently dead broke checked out of his hotel a few hours ago wearing the baseball jersey and cap he had on 30 days ago." "Where is he now?" "Nobody seems to know." "We followed his roller-coaster ride of success and failure and now it would seem to be over." "But those of you following the election results know that that's not so." "If you're out there, Monty, turn on a radio or a TV set or pick up a newspaper." "I think you might be proud of what's happened in this city today." "Chuck Fleming, Action News." "Oh, Monty." "Just the man I wanted to see." "I've got wonderful news." "No, wonderful, wonderful news." "Do you remember the $20,000 that you gave me as a deposit on the furniture?" "Well, here it is." "You're not broke after all." "Isn't that fortunate?" " Three minutes." " I'm sorry, Roundfield but our records indicate Brewster still has a substantial amount of money." " Really?" " Mm-hm." "I can't believe it!" "I quit!" "I guess I didn't do so good." "I still got $20,000 left." "Look, I know I lost and everything so I'll sign what you want me to sign and leave." " Give him the quitclaim papers." " Use my pen." "Mr. Brewster, you still have two full minutes." "Two full minutes for what?" "I blew it." "I'm burnt out." "We were rooting for you all the way." " Warren, what are you doing?" " Ssh!" "He's about to sign it all away." " What are you doing here?" " Closing out Brewster's account." " Sign what away?" " Ssh!" "I guess I can let you in on it now." "In a few seconds I'm gonna be a full partner, as soon as he signs that paper." "See, the reason that he blew the $30 million was so he could get his real inheritance of $300 million." "He had to spend all that money?" "Why didn't he tell me?" "It was a condition of the will." "He had to keep it a secret." "If it's such a big secret, how come you know all about it?" "I'm afraid that too is a secret." "Uh-uh." "He did spend that money." "I have the receipts." "Maybe you're not so thorough." "Remember the Dawson and Clark account?" "Fine custom furniture and draperies?" " No!" "Give me that!" " Monty, stop!" "Don't sign anything!" "Miss Drake!" "This is a private meeting." "Leave or you'll be fired." "Sign right here." "Warren cheated." "They put him up to it." "He withheld the $20,000 deposit so Monty would think he'd spent it." "I forgot to give her the receipt." "It was an honest mistake." "Gentlemen, is there any truth to this accusation?" "Preposterous." "We're completely innocent." " You are fired, Miss Drake." " Oooh." "My lucky day, huh, Warren?" "You're my pal, right?" "You're a liar, Warren." "You tricked me!" "Set me up!" "No, no, no." "That was just a coincidence." "You're a terrible liar and an awful decorator." " It's better than being rabbits." " What are you insinuating?" "You're a big girl." "You figure it out." "Hold it, hold it, sister." "Take it easy." "You're a lady." "I want you to remain a lady." "That's excellent advice, Mr. Brewster, but a little late." "I'm glad you did that because I'm gonna sue you for so much money you'll be in debt to me for life." "How d'you like to settle out of court for $20,000 in cash?" "You think I came down with the last drop of rain?" "I'm not falling for that." "No settlements." "I'm taking you to court." "What are you gonna do?" "When that clock strikes 12, you are dead broke for life." "You're a loser." "A real loser." "I'll need an attorney." "Will $20,000 be enough of a retainer?" " I'm a paralegal." "I don't have a degree." " You can get one with $20,000." "You need a receipt!" "I'll give you a receipt." "Please!" "Hurry, please." "As the executor of your great-uncle's will, I hereby declare that the full inheritance of $300 million is yours." "Wow!" "Congratulations." "Gentlemen, I sense conspiracy to defraud here." "I'll have to order a full investigation, with your consent, Mr. Brewster." "Well..." "Send 'em to the showers." "It'll take 20 years to dry off where you're goin'." "Better take a big towel." "Mr. Roundfield, you're a real nice man." "Thank you very much." "You're a real nice man." "Warren, better learn the blues." "You know..."