"(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)" "MAN: (SINGING) Tell me, Doctor, where are we going this time?" "Is this the '50s" "Or 1999?" "All I wanted to do" "Was play my guitar and sing" "So take me away I don't mind" "But you better promise me I'll be back in time" "Gotta get back in time" "I'll be back in time" "Gotta get back in time" "COMPUTER:" "You're on, Dr. Brown." "Dr. Emmett Brown here, reporting from ancient Rome!" "36 A.D., to be precise." "Like my outfit?" "When in Rome, dress as the Romans do." "Although, this is not a dress, it's a toga." "And this Italian food, right?" "Wrong!" "Noodles were unknown in Italy, until Marco Polo brought them back from China in 1295." "Why, what we think of as Italian cuisine, was completely unknown in this era!" "Marty found that out on our previous trip to ancient Italy." "It all began, not in Rome, but in my own backyard." "(GLASS SHATTERING)" "(HOVER BOARD BLEEPING) d Baby, baby, oh, baby d My baby, baby, baby d" "Ready..." "Now!" "Marty, stop!" "Ohhh, baby!" "Hey, Doc, you gotta be more careful!" "Holy bovine!" "(CRASH)" "That sounded like our tangible and authentic father." "Here, Einie." "Whoa, Doc!" "(STUTTERING) There were two of you!" "First back there, and, and then here." "Oh, for Petri's sake!" "Those boys must be playing with the three-dimensional holographic projector again!" "Oh, man, I'm sorry, Doc." "I..." "I ruined your latest invention." "What invention?" "This is the trash." "If I've told you once, I've told you 10 to the third power times, the holographic projector was designed as a home security device!" "Its purpose is to deceive burglars into thinking we are at home, when in fact, we are not!" "Sorry, Dad." "Most sincere apologies, Father." "(WHIMPERING)" "Jules, Verne, I want you on your best behavior while I'm away, returning these research materials." "Uh, Doc, if you're goin' to the library," "I've got a couple of overdue books." "Marty, where I'm going, those books will not have been written for almost 2,000 years!" "Oh, great!" "Heh, heh." "I won't have to pay the fine." "Father, exactly where, or should I say, when, are you going?" "Ancient Rome." "36 A.D., to be precise." "I borrowed numerous notations from their early historians, to update my files, and while there, I plan to study the architectural designs of the Roman arcades." "Arcades?" "Cool!" "Might we accompany you, Father?" "Negative." "You're grounded in the 20th century, for misuse of the holographic projector." "Yes, Father." "We gracefully accept our well-deserved punishment." "Uh, hey, Doc, what about me goin'?" "I, I could do an extra credit report for History class." "Caesar!" "The man, the myth, the...salad." "Very well, Marty." "Perhaps it's not too late to penetrate, that rock and roll-drenched brain of yours." "And no more playing with the holographic projector, you two." "Of course not, Father." "Have a wonderful trip." "DOC:" "Ah, there's no place like Rome!" "Founded in 753 B.C., when Romulus and Remus, escaping from the Trojan War, forcibly took control of a small tribe of locals." "Even if Jules and Verne weren't being punished," "I would be hesitant to bring them to such an unstable and violent society." "Come, sibling." "Let us search out the arcades for our playtime amusement." "VERNE:" "I'll bet this is the mall." "They gotta have an arcade in here." "(GROANING)" "Oh, oh, ow, oh, oh, oh..." "Yee-ha!" "This is better than any arcade, Jules!" "Yes, these floors are quite lubricious." "Perfect for proving that a body in motion, tends to remain in..." "(CRASHING) (SPLASHING)" "(COUGHING)" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "Leave him alone, you big bully!" "It wasn't his fault." "Oh!" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "(PANTING)" "I must locate Father, post haste!" "Ah, ancient Rome." "Home to such architectural wonders as the Pantheon, the Appian Way, and the aqueducts." "Uh, yeah, yeah, that's great, Doc, but I'm starving." "Hey, lady, where can I get a pizza around here?" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "Oh, uh, do they deliver?" "Marty, she's conversing in Latin." "Bummer." "Here, you need a Universal Linguistic Translator." "It will enable you to speak and understand any language." "But we haven't time to interface with the locals." "Let us further explore the marvels of this fascinating civilization." "Okay, Cleopatra, give it to me again." "Young man, I said "You're standing on my foot!"" "Oh!" "Sorry." "Hey, what about that pizza place?" "Take note, Marty, the average Roman citizen is several centimeters shorter than the 20th-century man." "Marty?" "Jumpin' giga-watts!" "I told him not to wander off!" "JULES:" "Father!" "Father!" "Not now, Jules, I'm looking for Marty." "Jules!" "Great balls of combustion manifested in light and heat!" "What are you doing here?" "Oh." "Verne and I wanted to play the video games in the arcade." "I meant the architectural term for arcade, which is a range or series of two or more arches, borne by piers or columns not some cheap storefront, overcrowded with indolent juveniles, throwing away their money on electronic diversions!" "Be that as it may, Verne is in desperate need of... (YELLING) Help!" "DOC:" "Back To The Facts." "VERNE:" "These guys are worse than the Hill Valley Mall security guards!" "Ow!" "Hey, you really shouldn't be swimmin' when there's no lifeguard on duty." "You say he was being pursued in the baths?" "Yes, Father, but I don't recall it being so cold." "We're in the Frigidarium." "After sweating the body's impurities in the Caldarium below, this chilly atmosphere stimulates the circulation." "VERNE:" "Hey, let go of me!" "I didn't do anything, you big goons!" "Jules, we need to create a distraction." "Jules?" "Father, my feet detect that below this floor is a system of ducts, or ventilating shafts, if you will, through which, hot air flows!" "Of course!" "We introduce that hot air into this chilled climate, and create an occluded weather front." "In layman's terms, fog!" "Mama-meteorology!" "I'm outta here!" "Where's the boy?" "Find him!" "Find him?" "I can't even find me!" "And the weatherman said "Fair and partly cloudy"." "There you are, sir." "One headless fish, wrapped in stale bread." "Here's a five." "Keep the change." "Ohhh!" "Kneel, simpleton, and bow your head." "Unless you wish to lose it." "Is there a Tannen in every century?" "The name is Antanneny." "Bifficus Antanneny, and what is your moniker, heathen?" "It's Marty...uh, Cus." "Yeah, yeah, Marticus." "Marticus?" "(SCOFFS) You look more like a tuum de gluteus maximus." "(TRANSLATOR BEEPING) Oh, great, this thing's on the fritz." "He said "Tuum de gluteus maximus."" "I should've known." "Upstart, you have humiliated me before the fine people of Rome!" "I demand an apology." "Hey, listen, curly-top, don't get your toga in a knot." "You mock me!" "I challenge you to a race." "Well, what, what do you say, fifty-yard dash?" "Make it easy on yourself." "I'm in pretty good shape." "Chariots, you idiot!" "We're going to race chariots!" "Right, uh... (LAUGHS) Hey, I, I'd love to do the chariot thing, but, uh, mine's in the shop getting a 5,000 lap tune-up." "Ha, ha!" "Why, you're nothing but unus pullus." "(TRANSLATOR BEEPING) What did you call me?" "ANTANNENY:" "Unus pullus." "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." "Nobody, nobody calls me a pullus!" "We race at noon." "The Circus Maximus." "Don't worry, pal, I'll be there." "Oh, yes." "My foot soldiers will guarantee it." "Heh-heh, this is just a guess but," "I bet you boys work out a lot." "VERNE:" "So, this big bully in a dress is yelling' at this other guy, treating' him like he was his own, personal slave or somethin'." "I'm afraid he was, Vernie." "Whether we approve or not, slavery is an accepted practice in this society." "Rome is teeming with slaves, who have no rights, no privileges, and very little hope." "Not terribly democratic." "No, son, however, societal injustice is frequently succeeded by rebellion." "SOLDIER:" "You speak of rebellion?" "(HESITATINGLY) Uh, of course, only in generalities." "I am really quite ignorant regarding specific details." "The Captain of the Guard shall be interested to hear of this rebellion." "Then we will introduce you to a couple of the Emperor's pet lions." "Hey, let go of my dad!" "Ha-ha!" "The little one is quite spirited." "What the..." "Jules!" "Verne!" "Move swiftly on pedal appendages, so that each stride elevates opposing lower limbs!" "Oh, just run for it!" "After them!" "Oh!" "Ah, my Venus is now complete." "Hey, you kids!" "(CLATTERING)" "Hmm, not bad." "(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)" "(YELLING)" "(GROANING)" "Hey, does this make us armed and dangerous?" "(GROANING)" "JULES:" "These vessels should obscure our location, sibling." "Hmm..." "I believe we have eluded him." "VERNE:" "We're too smart for that jerk." "Hey, Jules, look at that!" "JULES: "Bifficus to race Marticus." ""Noon today." "Circus Maximus!"" "Marty's gonna be in the circus?" "BOTH:" "Yikes!" "Hey, I know you!" "You're the guy from the baths!" "My name is Judah." "As I wanted to thank you for your bravery," "I followed when you left the baths." "I'm sorry about what happened to your father." "Can you tell us where they've taken him?" "I can do better than that." "Walk with care, young friends." "The catacombs were not designed as a means for everyday travel." "Ah!" "Are you all right?" "Hey, Jules, they got a bowling alley in this place!" "A deduction based on what information, brother?" "I found a bowling ball!" "(SCREAMS)" "The Catacombs are the final resting place for many a Roman citizen." "VERNE:" "Oh, rats." "JULES:" "What is your difficulty now, Verne?" "Nothin'." "Just rats!" "(RATS SQUEAKING)" "Well, on the bright side, at least I've got my health." "(SNEEZES)" "VERNE:" "Hiya, Pop." "What're you in for?" "Ouch-cha, ma-cow-cha." "Boys, how in Herculaneum did you ever find me?" "Our new friend, Judah, brought us." "We came to spring ya." "(INDISTINCT TALKING)" "Hey, great seats, guys, but, uh, what the heck am I doin' here?" "I thought I was gonna race the big guy." "Bifficus has granted you permission to observe the opening act." "(CROWD LAZILY) Hooray!" "Friends, Romans, countrymen, welcome." "Let the games commence!" "(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE)" "(GROWLING)" "Heh-heh, great!" "An Italian production of Cats!" "MARTY:" "Doc?" "It's the Doc!" "(GROWLING)" "DOC:" "Back to the facts!" "The calendar we use today was first conceived by the ancient Romans, and contained only 10 months!" "December is derived from the Latin word "Deca", which means 10." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "(GROWLING)" "Here, kitty-kitty, nice kitty." "He's flipped out!" "Hey, Doc!" "Run for it!" "No!" "Doc!" "Shh, not so loud, Marticus." "Now, allow me to demonstrate some technical modifications we've made on this chariot." "Oh, great, Doc, you've fixed it so I can't lose." "No, Marty, I've fixed it so you can't win." "Huh?" "If you win the race, the Romans will turn against Bifficus." "His power is vital in enabling Caligula to become the next Emperor, and the ascension of Caligula is the first step in the fall of the Roman Empire." "Bifficus must regain his popularity in order to restore the proper timeline." "In conclusion, you must race, and you must lose." "Now, the modification we've made will ensure your safety." "For example..." "(TRUMPETS BLOWING)" "Blast!" "No time!" "Here, take this walkie-talkie and call me if there's any trouble." "Best of luck, Marticus." "And may the best dude win!" "MARTY:" "You mean "lose"!" "Precisely!" "(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE)" "Any last words before I destroy you in front of the entire Roman Empire?" "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." "Yeah, just remember, the bigger the empire, the harder it falls." "ALL:" "Yay!" "Road hog!" "How well do you race with a little handicap?" "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" "Doc!" "Come in, Doc!" "I'm here, Marty." "Doc, I, I've got a flat!" "I'm gonna be killed!" "DOC:" "Utilize the lever on your right." "Yeah, how about I just pull it?" "DOC:" "Oh, okay." "Heh, I got the model with the deluxe sports package." "Yah!" "Doc, I'm gonna win!" "DOC:" "Marty, don't get carried away!" "You've gotta lose!" "Oh, yeah, I forgot!" "DOC:" "The brake, Marty, hit the brake!" "Bifficus Antanneny, you have raced well." "I came, I saw, and I beat him!" "Ha, ha, ha!" "(TRUMPETS BLOWING) CROWD:" "Hail, Bifficus!" "CROWD:" "Hail, Antanneny!" "Bifficus, the victory is yours." "The loser's fate is in your hands." "How say you?" "Imperial Majesty," "Marticus raced with honor and dignity, as befits a Roman." "Oh, thanks, big guy." "So, let's throw him to the lions!" "(CROWD CHEERING)" "Uh, wait!" "Uh, I'm allergic to cat hair." "Judah, how can I repay you for all your assistance?" "Marticus' chariot would be a fine reward." "(LION GROWLING)" "Hop in!" "Your chariot is not bad, either." "Doc!" "You gotta help me!" "Mind if I take over?" "Be my guest." "Uh, hey, by the way, I never got the name!" "It is Judah." "Judah Ben-Hur." "VERNE:" "Bye!" "Farewell, Judah!" "MARTY:" "Ben-Hur?" "Doc, that's..." "I know, Marty." "Ah, I was correct after all, Your Majesty." "He is unus pullus." "Ow!" "(SIGHS)" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "DOC:" "And now, boys, it's time to go..." "JULES AND VERNE:" "Back to the future!" "DOC:" "No, back to town." "I still have to return these scrolls." "(YAWNING)" "Oh, ho, ha!" "Greetings again." "Nothing like a little nap after a big pasta lunch and traveling 2,000 years." "Talk about your jet lag." "I'll tell you one thing, if Marty had won that chariot race, it would've been a real drag." "As a matter of fact, Marty lost the race, due to drag." "Or, in other words, air resistance." "Accessing, video encyclopedia section D, for "Drag"." "COMPUTER:" "Section D." "Entry, "Drag"." "DOC:" "This car is designed to allow air molecules to flow around it, thus cutting down on air resistance." "It's streamlined." "But a parachute acts in just the opposite fashion, trapping air molecules which push against it, thus slowing it down." "Let us demonstrate this principle with our very own parachute brake." "One of these identical toy cars has been equipped with a drag chute, which will open automatically." "The cars will travel at the same rate until the chute is released." "The principle of drag will slow down one car, allowing the other to speed ahead!" "Ha-ha!" "Let's watch that again, in slow motion." "Notice the immediate effect the chute has upon the forward motion of the car." "That's drag!" "Well, as they say in ancient Rome," "(SPEAKING LATIN)" "Or as they say in modern Rome," ""Arrivederci"." "Or as I say, "See you in the future!"" "Hey, here's an ancient Rome quiz." "What did Julius Caesar say when his pal asked him, how many hot dogs he had for lunch?" ""Et tu, Brute."" "(LAUGHING) Hey." "What..." "What's your problem, butt head?"