"DON'T PICK UP THE DOG Based on true events" " Wipe off that smile." " 6-2, 6-2." "I see a pattern." " What pattern is that?" " You're a rotten tennis player." "Shut up!" "I'm this close to..." "losing." " Bummer." " You can say that again." " Isn't that sad?" " Know what's sad?" "I pay 60 % in taxes to avoid seeing that, to provide shelters..." "Frank?" " Is that you, Frank?" " Sisse?" " How do you know her?" " Amazing!" " It's my ex-girlfriend from school." " Come here, Frank." " I haven't seen you in 10 years." " 12." " You're so grown up." " You too." " What are you doing?" " Looking for my gold watch." "I came to play tennis and dropped it in here when I threw something away." " How are you doing?" " Well..." "This is Casper Christensen." "Sisse is my ex-girlfriend." " Casper from TV." " Oh, but I moved to New York." "And then California." "I've been away for 10 years, so I don't know anyone." " Let's grab a coffee some day." " We'd better..." "I'll call you, okay?" "Nice to meet you, Carsten." " His name is Casper." " Okay." "Bye." " What the hell was that all about?" " She's bonkers." " Completely." " She used to be so resourceful." "Not anymore." "You've dated a bag lady, Frank." "Have you fucked her?" "You fucked a bag lady?" " Think I fucked her into the gutter?" " I don't know." "Mad cow. "My banana and my gold watch", and she didn't know me." "Insane." " Open the trunk." " Maybe she snapped when I left her." " I bet that's why." " You fucked a bag lady." "Incredible." "It's dead." "I think the battery's dead." "I don't get it." "I never roll up the window when my remote is dead." "Stick your arm in." "Just a bit further." " Let me." " I have to squeeze..." " To the right... there!" "Got it?" " Yes." " Hey!" " It's his car." "It's okay." "It's his car?" "So my remote works with your car?" "Strange, eh?" "Shut the door... shut it!" " What are you on about?" " You're trying to steal my car." "Are they your gloves?" "Your cap?" "You're wearing yours." "Scram." " Where did we park, Casper?" " Don't call me "boy"." " You are a boy." "Scram." " We're parked over there." " I've got exactly the same car." " We're finished." "Scram." "Bye." " Supersleuth!" " Go on home, boys." "What a jerk." "What's with the attitude?" "Still riding high on Abba's success?" " We're finished." " Piss off back to Stockholm." "Fucking immigrants!" "Even if he is just a Swede." "That's even worse." "Let's see if this is the right one." "It was." "Let's see if this is the right one." "It was." " Oh, it's Claire." " So answer it." "I can't deal with her right now." "Not now." "Bye-bye." "Claire again." "I can't deal with her now either." "Just go." " Strange she always calls you first." " Why is that strange?" "I'm her boss too." "She could call me." " She just did." " But I'm second on her call list." " It's always like that." " Well, I'm just a bit ahead of you." "I don't know how to put it nicely." "I am number one." " Only because you flirt with her." " Maybe so." "What do you want me to say?" "We came out and saw a car that looked just like ours." "I tried to get in, and this guy runs up shouting it's his car." " He was Swedish." " Never mind then." "Mia speaking." " You're right." "Never mind." " It's someone called Sisse." " I'm not here." " Come on, Frank." "Frank speaking." "Hi, Sisse." "Sure, we'd love to." "Great, Sisse." "Looking forward to it." "Bye." " Who was that?" " My ex-girlfriend." " I met her outside the club." " How odd." "Yes, and sad." "She's gone to the dogs." " Maybe it's because I left her." " Hardly, darling." "You don't think someone might get depressed if I left them?" "She invited us over on Saturday." "I accepted." " Is that okay?" "At eight." " For dinner?" "She didn't say." "But I don't think so." " It was too brutal." " Oh, come on, Frank." "Imagine if I left you." "You'd end up in a dumpster, too, looking for a banana peel." " I'm off to pick up the kids." " I'll tell you all about the dinner." "Why are you even going?" "That woman is mad." " Still, she found me in the book." " Why are you even in the book?" "I'm going to get out of it." "Coffee..." "What are you doing, Claire?" "I think I have a lump in my breast." "Casper, will you feel..." " I have to pick up my kids." " But this is serious." " I'll do it." " I can't stop worrying about it." "Frank, please leave." "I have to unbutton my shirt." "On this side." " There?" " Yes, but further to the..." "Let me just feel them both." "There you go." "Nothing wrong." "Sure?" "I feel so much better now." "Tomorrow I have time for a more in-depth feel." " Well, anything wrong?" " No, Casper said I'm fine." " I had too much pork roast." " Me too." " I had too much pork roast." " Me too." " Well, do you like it?" " Are you wearing that to Sisse's?" " Yes." " You can't." "It's too fancy." "You look like a beauty." "Sisse will want to crawl down a hole." "You'll have to put on something... more shabby." " Like you?" " Yes, more like this." " You intend to wear that?" " Of course." "It's supposed to look a bit..." "We have to show some consideration." "We don't want to look like snobs." "Things are crazy at the office." "Claire just plain ignores me." "Today she wouldn't let me touch her breasts, but Casper could." " Why would you touch her breasts?" " Well, she asked Casper." " So I asked if I could." " Don't touch her breasts." "Honey, she thought she felt a lump." "Tell her to go see a doctor then." "What about these and this plain one?" " Straight ahead?" " Turn." " Is this it?" " We'll walk from here." " Why?" " I don't want to come in this car." " You don't want them to see it?" " I don't want to humiliate Sisse." "That's the last thing she needs." "No, let's walk the last bit." " What's that?" " The rest of the pork roast." " You brought that?" " Sisse will be glad to get it." "I want the pot back." "It was a present from my mum." "Let's get it over with." "Hello." " Hi, I'm Sisse." " Mia." "I'm so glad you came." "It's good to see you, Frank." "Look, I found my watch." "Great, eh?" " That's the watch..." " It was yucky, but I found it." "It was a present from my husband." "Is that for me?" "A little Christmas pot." "Cute." "Pig included!" "Come and meet the rest of the party." "The house is a mess." "We just moved in." "I'm not going in." "It's too embarrassing." " She's seen us now." " You never said she was like this." "I didn't know, did I?" " Let's just go in for a drink." " It's so embarrassing." "Look at me!" "This is our new home." "This is Tina and Else." " Super-duper." " Your Buddha..?" "Fabulous house, eh?" "There he is." "Hi, honey." "This is J.J., my husband." "Jens Jørgen." "This is Frank and Mia." " We met the other day." " The other day?" "You've met?" " Yes, over a car." " It was all a misunderstanding." " Yes, over a car." " It was all a misunderstanding." "I mistook your car for mine." "I have one just like it." "Hence the misunderstanding." " Look." "We got a roast." " You can keep the pot." " Is it like a tradition?" " Yes, I think so." "It's all yours." "It's beautiful." "I hope you're hungry, we're having a six-course dinner." " Are you?" " Sure." " Come along." " We're coming." " Right, six courses, Frank." " How was I to know?" "Nice doggy." "Are you bored too?" "What a nice little doggy." " Don't pick up the dog." " What?" "Can't I pick it up?" " He picked up the dog." " Frank, we don't pick up the dog." "Sorry." " I studied to become a vet." " So you're a vet?" " No." " Almost." " You've hardly touched your food." " The escargots were so filling." "Perhaps you'd prefer some pork roast and a pint?" "No, we like this just fine." " So you're a vet?" " No, I started doing stand-up." " I got really hooked on it." " How very brave." " It was tough at first." " Is it hard to make a living?" " No, I'm doing fine." " You'd think the market was small." " I do okay." " Frans, tell us a joke." " It's Frank." " Frank, know any jokes?" " Yes, I write my own jokes." " Tell us a joke." " Offhand jokes are never funny." " Isn't that what a stand up does?" "I don't just tell jokes." "Say something funny." "A situation like this calls for a joke about you and your head." "Go ahead." "I'm all ears." "I'd say something like..." "What a funny head." "I suppose that's why they won't allow cloning." "Your head." "That's what comes from being born near a nuclear power plant." "The radiation makes your face mutate." " That was good." " I always thought you were funny." "Thanks..." "I'll have you know my stand up and all my TV work   earns me a lot of money." " It's the title." " Is it set in Nevada?" "No, Denmark." "That's why it's called "Far Away From Las Vegas"." " He's funny and plays an instrument." " He's an international star." "You know "Linje 3"?" "They play instruments and they're funny." " Do you play an instrument?" " No." " Please do, honey." " But I'm no..." "Victor Borge." "He loves to perform." "Oh no!" " It peed on me." " I told you not to pick it up." " Did it pee on your trousers?" " I'm drenched." " Want to borrow some trousers?" " Yes, please." "Not my trousers!" "I'll never get them back." "No way." " Finished!" "Bye!" " Your dog pissed on me." "Because you keep picking it up!" " Some diplomat." " I told you not to pick up the dog." " We'll be off now." " We're leaving." " I'm drenched." " Are you?" " His recital almost did me in." " What a bunch of arrogant..." "Wait." " Here." "We don't eat pork." " I'd like the pot back anyway." " I hardly ever cook." " Bye then." " Where's your car?" " In the next street." "Good luck, Frank." "You're not taking that home?" "Know what?" "J.J. deserves a present." "Come on." "Harder." "Down a bit." " I've got to run." "Was it good?" " Fabulous." "I have to pick up the kids." "Bye." " Bye, Kasper." "Have a nice evening." " Thanks." "See you." "We'll make our own fun." " Well, well..." " I'm busy." " Want me to give you a massage?" " No thanks." "Anything else?" "Claire, if this is Casper and this is me, who do you choose?" "Casper."