"male narrator:" "IN THE DARKEST DAYS" "OF THE CRUEL MAKONIAN EMPIRE," "WITH THE PEOPLE'S REBELLION ALL BUT CRUSHED," "RAGGED BANDS OF FREEDOM FIGHTERS REFUSED TO YIELD." "[dramatic music]" "BEREFT OF LEADERSHIP, THE RESISTANCE FLOUNDERED" "UNTIL, FROM THE DEPTHS OF DESPAIR," "THERE ROSE A GLIMMER OF HOPE," "THE SON OF A BLACKSMITH AND A STAY-AT-HOME MOM." "HIS NAME WAS KROD MANDOON." "WERE KROD AND HIS COMRADES THE ANSWER" "TO HIS OPPRESSED PEOPLE'S PRAYERS?" "OAK." "narrator:" "THE ODDS WERE LONG AGAINST THEM." "HOLD,LAD." "I SEE YOU HAVE NEITHER THE COURTESY NOR THE GOOD SENSE" "TO DISARM IN A TAVERN FULL OF MYRMIDON GUARDS." "FORGIVEME." "THESE ARE DANGEROUS TIMES FOR A LOYAL SUBJECT OF THE CROWN." "HAIL, EMPEROR ZANUS!" "WENCH,STANDTHISGOODMAN A FLAGON OF MEAD." "IHAVEJUSTCOME FROM HARKOUF." "RESISTANCE FIGHTERS THERE" "HAVE BEEN LIBERATING THE SLAVE PENS." "HAVE YOU HEARD THESE REPORTS?" "AYE,THEYSAYITWASTHEWORK OF KROD MANDOON." "BECAUSEI HEARDTHAT-- I'M SORRY?" "HE'SA SCOURGE." "WOW,A SCOURGE." "I LIKE THAT." "MARKME." "THERE'S A CELL IN DONGALOR'S DUNGEON" "SET ASIDE FOR THE WORM-FACED MANDOON." "[whispers]WORM-FACED?" "[mouthingwords]FOCUS." "[clearsthroat]" "WOULD THAT BE THE SAME DUNGEON" "THAT HOLDS THAT TRAITOR GENERAL ARCADIUS?" "INDEED." "BUT ENOUGH TALK OF REBEL DOGS." "I SEE FROM THESE RUNES YOU'RE FROM THE NEW WORLD." "IAM." "MY FATHER CARVED THIS SHEATH WHEN I SAILED FROM MY HOMELAND." ""HROATHG 'BLONBRACKROTHAN."" "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" "IT'SGIBBERISH;" "MY FATHER WAS ILLITERATE." "BUT THIS SIDE BEARS MY NAME." "DON'T MOVE." "YOU'RE SURROUNDED." "SURROUNDED?" "BY A GIRL, A GROBBLE, AND A LEPRECHAUN?" "LEPRECHAUN?" "THEY'RE CALLING ME A LEPRECHAUN." "NOW,PUTYOURKEYS ON THE BAR," "OR HIS NEXT ARROW FINDS YOUR SKULL." "GIVE MY REGARDS TO CHANCELLOR DONGALOR." "LET ME JUST ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION," "WARRIOR TO WARRIOR." "THE WORM-FACE THING." "WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?" "NO." "KROD." "KROD!" "NOW,I KNOWIT 'SPROBABLY JUST A TAUNT," "BUT, YOU KNOW, A LABEL LIKE THAT FINDS ITS WAY INTO A BALLAD," "AND, BOOM, YOU'RE THE WORM-FACE GUY." "ANDWE'VELOSTHIM ." "ISTHEREATERMYOUPREFER?" "WELL,FIRSTOF ALL, THANK YOU." "UM, LET ME THINK HERE." ""KIND"?" "NO, NO, SCRATCH THAT." "WE'RE NOT WRITING A PERSONAL AD." "OW!" "BYTHEGODS!" "THECAPTAIN'SBEENSHOT!" "IFYOU'RETALKING ABOUT THIS ARROW," "IT WAS ALREADY THERE." "WHOAREYOU,DOG ?" "UH!" "MY NAME IS KROD MANDOON." "ANDI AMLOQUASTO, HIS SLAVE." "ANDI AMZEZELRYCK, HIS SORCERER." "ANDI AMANEKA." "HISGIRLFRIEND." "YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE GOING TO TUMBLE," "YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T WEAR THAT;" "THEY SAW EVERYTHING." "EVERYTHING." "ATTACK!" "[screams]" "OW!" "ANEKA!" "WHATTHEHELLWAS THAT?" "IDON'TKNOW;" "IT JUST DOES THAT SOMETIMES." "YOU THINK I SHOULD GET IT LOOKED AT?" "HELL,YEAH!" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DO I THINK?" "YES!" "FIRE!" "OW!" "NO MORE CROSSBOW FOR YOU-- EVER!" "SORRY,MASTER." "WANTTHESE,DO YOU,LOVE?" "WHAT ARE YOU WILLING TO DO FOR 'EM, EH?" "WHATEVERITTAKES." "ZEZ,TAMETHEFIRE WITH YOUR WIZARDRY!" "I'MONIT !" "I'M ON IT!" "FLAMES ABATE, SAYS THE MAN ZEZELRYCK." "UM, FLAMES, FLAMES, GO AWAY." "COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY." "THIS TAVERN MUST BE PROTECTED" "BY SOME SORT OF MAGIC BLOCKING AURA." "THENDOUSETHEFIRESOMEHOW!" "OKAY,OKAY." "[screams]" "ZEZ,THATWASLAMPOIL." "YOUDON'TTHINK THEY SHOULD LABEL THAT?" "ABORT,ABORT!" "EVERYBODY OUT!" "MISSION OVER!" "MISSION OVER!" "GO, GO!" "ANEKA!" "ANEKA!" "OKAY,THATTIME, I DIDN'T EVEN SEE UNDERWEAR." "SIRE?" "WHATELSE,BARNABUS?" "AQUERYFROMTHE EMPEROR, SIRE." "HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW YOU INTEND TO DEAL" "WITH THE RISING REBELLION HERE IN HESSEMEEL." "REBELLION?" "GENERAL ARCADIUS IS BEHIND BARS." "THERE IS NO REBELLION WITHOUT HIM." "WELL,SPECIFICALLY,SIRE," "HE INQUIRED ABOUT THE UPSTART KROD MANDOON." "MANDOON?" "OH, PLEASE!" "I KNEW HIM AT THE MILITARY ACADEMY." "HE ENVIED ME." "AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, I WAS PRETTY POPULAR." "[laughs] HALT!" "WHO DOUBTS ME?" "BARNABUS." "YOU WERE MY FOOTMAN BACK IN MY ACADEMY DAYS." "TELL THEM, AND SPEAK FREELY." "WELL,NOW,SIR, FORGIVE MY POOR MEMORY," "BUT I DON'T RECALL YOUR BEING POPULAR." "MAYBENOTCAMPUSWIDE, BUT I HAD MY CREW:" "SANTU MOOSNOCKLE, HANS VECK, JONSIE THE YOUNGER, THOSE GUYS." "IN ANY EVENT, TELL THEM ABOUT THE TIME I THRASHED KROD" "IN FRONT OF ALL THE CADETS." "SURELY YOU REMEMBER THAT." "AND, AGAIN, BE HONEST." "BEINGHONEST,YES." "I DO RECALL MANDOON RAINING BLOWS DOWN UPON YOU," "RELENTING ONLY WHEN YOU SOBBED, ALBEIT IT VERY BRAVELY," "FOR MERCY." "YES,ANDAS HE TURNEDAWAY IN DISGUST," "WHO THREW THE ROCK AT THE BACK OF HIS HEAD?" "ONEOFYOURSLAVES,SIR." "ANDVICTORYWASMINE." "ITWASYOURS." "IT WAS." "YES." "NOW, ENOUGH TALK OF MANDOON." "YOU MAY ASSURE THE EMPEROR" "THE ONLY THING HE HAS TO FEAR IS ME." "IFI CANHAVEYOURATTENTION, MY NAME'S KROD MANDOON." "I'LL BE YOUR LIBERATOR THIS EVENING." "[people cheering]" "SHH!" "NOW, OBVIOUSLY, I WOULD WANT TO SHAKE EVERYONE'S HAND," "BUT I HAVE A BIT OF A CHEST COLD, YOU KNOW?" "[exclaiming]" "OH,GOD." "OKAY, OKAY." "GOOD, GOOD." "ON YOUR WAY." "LOQUASTO, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO BURN EVERYTHING I'M WEARING." "I'MRIGHTON IT ." "WHEN I'M DONE WEARING THEM." "OH,RIGHT,RIGHT." "AH, BETTER, SMARTER." "YEAH,YOUKNOW, IT'S NOT EASY" "MAKING THE TRANSITION INTO CIVILIAN LIFE." "TRUST ME;" "I KNOW." "SO IF YOU EVER NEED A SHOULDER TO CRY ON" "IWASBORNINTHIS DUNGEON." "I NEVER SEEN THE SUN." "HEY,IT'SHOT, AND IT'S YELLOW." "NOW SCRAM!" "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "I'M TALKING." "NOW, WHERE WERE WE?" "HESSEMEEL!" "NOT MUCH OF A PROVINCE, IS IT?" "BIT OF A LAUGHINGSTOCK, IF WE'RE BEING HONEST." "WE HAVEN'T THE COMMERCE OF FARUJAH," "THE AGRICULTURE OF COLOSTRUM," "THE VIBRANT ART SCENE OF HARKOUF." "AND NOW THAT THE MULKAVIAN WHORE CARAVANS" "NO LONGER MAKE WINTER CAMP WITHIN OUR BORDERS," "EVEN OUR LEGENDARY SEX TOURISM HAS VANISHED." "WHAT WE HAVE, NOBLES, IS NOTHING." "BUT THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE," "ALL THANKS TO THE EYE OF GALGA GREMDA..." "[Vanameer's stomach rumbles]" "THE DEADLIEST WEAPON OF THE ANCIENT WORLD," "LOST FOR MILLENNIA BUT RECENTLY UNEARTHED" "BY THE FINEST CHILD LABOR EVER TO FEEL THE LASH." "SIRE." "THE EYE WAS BURIED FOR GOOD REASON." "IT VERY NEARLY DESTROYED THE WORLD." "ITS DEADLY BEAM TURNED FERTILE VALLEYS" "INTO BARREN WASTELANDS." "YOUKNOWYOURHISTORY, VANAMEER." "ARE YOU PREPARED FOR YOUR FUTURE?" "BUT,SIRE,WITHSUCH A WEAPON IN YOUR POSSESSION," "DO YOU NOT FEAR REPRISALS FROM THE EMPEROR?" "WITHSUCHAWEAPON IN MY POSSESSION, VANAMEER," "I FEAR NOTHING!" "APART FROM TURTLES." "UGH, HORRIBLE LITTLE CREATURES." "THEY GIVE ME THE WILLIES." "ENOUGHNONSENSE!" "TURN THE EYE OVER TO THE EMPEROR," "OR I'LL INFORM HIM MYSELF OF YOUR TREASONOUS BOAST." "WILLYOU,LORDCOMSTOCK?" "SIR." "[whispers] SIR." "YEAH?" "THISISLORDCOMSTOCK." "THAT WAS LORD CONOVER." "ISIT?" "OH, YEAH." "YES, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO GET NAMES CARVED" "IN THE BACK OF CHAIRS." "DID THAT NOT HAPPEN?" "WELL, LET'S MAKE THAT AN ACTION ITEM, SHALL WE?" "YES." "GUARDS, SEIZE HIM!" "BUT,SIR" "RIGHT." "NOW, WHERE WERE WE?" "UH--NO, COMPLETELY LOST FOCUS." "OKAY, LET'S TAKE FIVE." "BARNABUS, SEND OUT FOR JUICE AND MUFFINS." "CRANBERRY ALL RIGHT?" "OH." "NOPE, SORRY." "ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM." "WAIT!" "YOU CAN'T LET THIS MAN GO FREE." "HE'S NOT A POLITICAL PRISONER." "HE'S A HORSE RAPER." "HE LAYS WITH HORSES." "ISTHISTRUE?" "[scoffs]" "NO." "LIE." "HE SAID HE FANCIED ME AS WELL." "HE ASKED ME TO WHINNY." "LISTEN-- HORST." "LASTNAME?" "DRAPER." "HORSTDRAPER." "MM-HMM." "YEAH,I THINKICAN SEE WHERE THE NAME MIGHT BE CAUSING SOME" "LOOK, GO FREE." "AND IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO LAY WITH A HORSE," "MAKE IT ONE OF THEIRS." "OKAY,I 'LLDOTHAT." "OKAY." "THANKS." "ALLRIGHT." "THAT'STHELASTOFTHEM , KROD." "WHAT?" "BUT THE GENERAL." "CURSE THE BASTARDS!" "WE'RE TOO LATE." "KROD." "GENERALARCADIUS." "I'VE COME TO FREE YOU FROM THIS HELLHOLE, SIR." "ASI KNEWONEDAY YOU WOULD." "RISE." "YOU MUST BE THE LOVELY ANEKA." "IT'SANHONOR,SIR ." "MAYI SAY,SIR, YOU LOOK WELL." "DUNGEON LIFE OBVIOUSLY AGREES WITH YOU." "ICREDITLOVE FOR MY VITALITY." "OFCOURSE." "MRS. ARCADIUS EAGERLY AWAITS YOUR RETURN" "AT THE SAFE HOUSE ON LAKE KAMADA." "ACTUALLY,KROD,IWAS  REFERRING TO MY LOVE FOR BRUCE." "RIGHT." "REFRESH MY MEMORY, SIR." "BRUCE IS ONE OF YOUR LIEUTENANTS." "NO,KROD." "BRUCE IS MY EVERYTHING." "ITHINKWE GOTASITUATION." "THEGENERALTOLDME ALL ABOUT YOU..." "EXCEPT HOW YUMMY YOU ARE." "OH." "YOUWORKOUT?" "WELL,SOMEUPPERBODY, SOME LIGHT CARDIO" "YEAH, EXCUSE ME." "MAY I HAVE A QUICK WORD?" "SIR, AM I IN COMMAND OF ALL THE FACTS?" "YOU AND..." "BRUCE?" "SIR, I HAD NO IDEA YOU" "DOYOUKNOWHOW LONG I'VE BEEN LOCKED AWAY" "IN THIS DANK AND FETID DUNGEON?" "WELL,YEAH." "TWO WEEKS." "AND IT'S CO-ED, SO..." "WILLTHISAFFECTYOURABILITY TO ACCEPT MY COMMAND?" "SIR,I 'DFOLLOWYOU INTO THE YAWNING GATES OF HELL." "GOODLAD." "THEN LOCK UP THESE MEN, AND WE'LL AWAY." "NO,WAIT!" "QUASTO, DON'T!" "WH--UM, QUASTO?" "[whistling]" "WELL,I THINKTHATWENT VERY WELL." "I THINK EVERYONE WAS RATHER SURPRISED." "YES,LORDCONOVERESPECIALLY." "OH,YES." "HE WAS A GOOD MAN." "YES, SEND A SUCKLING PIG TO HIS WIDOW AND SOME FLOWERS," "MAYBE A NICE BOTTLE OF ASTI." "AND HOW LONG WOULD YOU SAY BEFORE SHE'S FAIR GAME?" "WELL,YOURATTENTION COULD ONLY BRING HER COMFORT" "IN HER HOUR OF GRIEF." "SOONEHOUROFGRIEF,THEN." "LOVELY." "NOW, WHAT SAY WE TAKE THE EYE DOWN TO THE MARSHES" "AND LAY WASTE TO SOME AWFUL LITTLE VILLAGE," "LIKE--WHAT'S THAT ONE YOU'RE FROM AGAIN?" "NOW,COMEON ." "HAVE A LITTLE THINK, SIRE." "IF WE WERE TO DETONATE THE EYE FROM THE MARSHES," "WE'D ONLY LAY WASTE TO OURSELVES." "IT MUST BE FIRED FROM AN ELEVATED VANTAGE POINT." "EVENBETTER." "WE'LL HAVE IT HAULED UP TO MOUNT KAMADA," "ICE DOWN A PONY KEG OF GROG, ROUND UP SOME WENCHES," "AND MAKE A WEEKEND OF IT." "THAT'SA DELIGHTFULPLAN, SIRE." "NOW, UNFORTUNATELY," "WE'VE NOT YET UNLOCKED THE KEY TO THE EYE'S OPERATION." "NOW, WAIT A MINUTE." "WE BELIEVE THE ANCIENT HIEROGLYPHS HOLD THE KEY," "AND OUR FINEST SCHOLARS ARE DECODING THEM AS WE SPEAK." "HAVEYOUTHREATENEDTHEM WITH DEATH?" "OH,I HAVE,SIR,YES ." "ANDKILLEDONE TO ROUSE THE OTHERS?" "OFCOURSE." "ANDGIVENGOODYBAGS TO THE SURVIVORS" "JUST TO LET THEM KNOW THEY'RE WELCOME HERE?" "ITISN'TMY FIRSTDAY ." "OH,I KNOW." "I KNOW." "I'M JUST EXCITED." "YES,SOAM I." "[horn fanfare]" "THE DUNGEONS HAVE BEEN BREACHED, SIRE." "MANDOON!" "NO,NO,IT 'STOOHEAVY." "ZEZ." "HEY, ZEZ, CAN YOU THROW A LITTLE MAGIC TO THE PROBLEM?" "UH,YEAH,YEAH,DEFINITELY." "UM, I NEED Y'ALL TO-- IF I'M GOING TO DO IT," "I NEED Y'ALL TO GET BACK IF I'M GOING TO DO THIS." "IN THE NAME OF THE UNSEEN WATCHING EYES," "I COMMAND YOU, GATE, TO OBEY AND RISE." "RISE!" "DON'T GO BACK DOWN." "DID YOU SEE WHAT IT JUST DID?" "IT WENT UP." "THEN IT WENT RIGHT BACK DOWN." "WHY WOULD IT DO THAT?" "THAT'S" "OKAY,GREAT." "THANKS." "WE'RE GOING TO NEED ANOTHER PLAN TO GET OUT OF HERE." "THEM, THEY'LL KNOW." "KROD,NOTNOW." "ALL I NEED IS FIVE MINUTES ALONE WITH HIM." "HEY, NO." "NO WAY, NO." "I FORBID YOU." "YOUFORBIDME ." "SINCE WHEN DO YOU CONTROL MY ACTIONS?" "SINCEYOUBECAME MY GIRLFRIEND." "WELL,YOURGIRLFRIEND IS A PAGAN." "I DON'T HAVE YOUR SEXUAL HANG-UPS." "YOU SAID YOU WERE OKAY WITH THAT." "YEAH, BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT MEANT" "THE OCCASIONAL THREESOME AND SOME LIGHT BONDAGE." "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU'D BE BONE-JACKING THE ENEMY." "SEXISJUSTANOTHERWEAPON IN MY ARSENAL." "OH,PLEASE." "DOYOUEVENKNOWHOWWEGOT  THE KEYS TO THIS DUNGEON?" "I GOT THEM..." "MY WAY," "THE SAME WAY I GOT THE NIGHT WATCHMAN IN HARKOUF" "TO LET US PASS" "AND THE SHERIFF IN KALKAG TO HIDE US FROM THE" "WHAT,YOUMEANYOU USED YOUR" "ANDWHYDO YOUTHINK THE COBBLER IN DOUVAN TOLD US" "WHAT TIME IT WAS?" "YOUGAVEIT UP  FOR THE TIME OF DAY?" "WE WERE STANDING UNDERNEATH A CLOCK!" "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" "NO, YOU KNOW, WHO ELSE?" "I WANT NAMES, ANEKA." "IDON'THAVETHEIRNAMES." "FACES?" "IDIDN'TALWAYSGET  A GOOD LOOK." "[snortles]" "HEY!" "NOW, YOU TELL US ANOTHER WAY OUT OF HERE," "OR, BY THE GODS, I WILL THRUST MY BLADE DEEP INSIDE OF YOU." "YUM." "COOLIT,BRUCE." "THERE,BYTHEWALL." "THE REBELS, THEY DUG A TUNNEL THROUGH THE SEWER." "WE PATCHED IT WITH MORTAR." "QUASTO." "NOW DIG." "STOPDIGGING!" "STOP DIGGING!" "IT'S A RAT!" "RAT, RAT!" "OOH, IT'S A RAT!" "UM, I OPEN UP THE FLOOR TO OTHER OPTIONS RIGHT NOW." "THISISOURONLYOPTION." "APPARENTLYNOT." "WE COULD ALWAYS HAVE ANEKA DRAIN THE ENEMY" "OF THEIR BODILY FLUIDS AND THEN WALK OUT." "YOU'REPATHETIC." "THATWASAWKWARD." "UM, I'M GOING THROUGH THE HOLE." "Y'ALL NEED TO WORK THAT OUT." "COMEON." "QUASTO,DON'TLET NO RATS GET ON ME." "OH,BABY,GETMYBAG." "WHICHONE?" "THEONEWITHTHE TOYSINIT ." "NICE." "KROD,COMEON ." "WE HAVE TO GO." "THESALAMIWAGON JUST ROLLED UP." "DON'T YOU WANT TO DROP TO YOUR KNEES" "AND ROLL OUT THE PAGAN WELCOME MAT?" "GOTOHELL." "ANEKA,WAIT." "WENCHTROUBLE,MANDOON?" "DONGALOR." "GENERAL!" "HANG IN THERE, SIR." "YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY." "HE'SASGOODASDEAD , MANDOON." "AND SO IS YOUR PATHETIC RESISTANCE." "HA!" "IT'LLTAKEMORE THAN ONE ARROW" "TO KILL THE GREATEST GENERAL THAT EVER LIVED." "THAT'LL PROBABLY DO IT, THOUGH." "GENERAL, I FAILED YOU." "NO,KROD." "YOU'VE ONLY PROVEN WHAT I'VE KNOWN ALL ALONG." "YOU ARE..." "AY,PAPI,WHATHAPPENED?" "HOLD ME, ARCADIUS, PLEASE." "JUST HOLD ME." "BRUCE, YOU INSATIABLE MEERKAT." "OKAY,GUYS,CANIJUST GET ONE MINUTE?" "UM, SIR, YOU WERE SAYING I AM..." "ENGAMORA." "LET'SGO." ""ENGAMORA."" "INTERESTING, NO?" "YEAH." "WHAT IS THAT, GAY FOR "GOOD-BYE" OR..." "WHO HERE KNEW ABOUT ARCADIUS?" "WELL, WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THE PRISON GOSSIP?" "I FEEL VERY LEFT OUT." "ALLRIGHT,CHAPS." "HOW WE GETTING ON?" "LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING" "COFFEE, SNACKS, WHORES." "SIR,DOYOURECALL ARCADIUS' LAST WORD?" "YES." "NO." "WAS IT "MEERKAT"?" "NO," ENG--"" "ENGAMORA." "YEAH, I KNOW." "I KNEW I KNEW IT." "I COULDN'T" "WELL,ENGAMORAHAPPENS TO BE A PROPHESY." "IT CHRONICLES THE OVERTHROW OF THE EMPIRE" "AT THE HANDS OF-- WAIT FOR IT" "A LOWBORN SWORDSMAN." "NOW, THAT MUST MEAN ARCADIUS BELIEVED" "THATSWORDSMAN WAS KROD MANDOON." "YES,SIR." "ISTHATEVENPOSSIBLE?" "narrator:" "IT WAS MORE THAN POSSIBLE." "IT WAS KROD'S IMMUTABLE FATE..." "RIGHT." "I SEE." "HMM." "WASTHATYOU?" "NO." "I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU." "UH-UH." "narrator:" "A FATE" "HE COULD NOT HAVE FATHOMED THAT MORNING" "AS HE TROD THE BANKS OF LAKE HESSEMEEL," "HIS HEART HEAVY WITH GRIEF OVER THE LOSS OF HIS MENTOR"