"OK, so we're playing Grove End today." "It might be a friendly, but I still want you to go out there and break those little bitches' hearts." "And ankles." "Holli, why are you wearing three bras?" "Christ, you've got more coverage than Vodafone." "I always wear three bras on match day." "It's her thing." "It's lucky." "Breasts that size, it's basic health and safety." "I'm wearing my special boots." "They're two sizes too small and they make my toes proper bleed." "But they're lucky." "And Saz has just been for her lucky wee." "She's got to do three wees, one in each cubicle." "Yeah, well, everyone's got a match-day thing." "Ria has to eat a Kit Kat just before we kick off, and so does Shannabelle." "And so does Jade." "It's lucky." "I didn't know you girls were so superstitious." "What about you, Viva?" "What's your little nutbag thing?" "I don't have one." "Yeah, she doesn't have one." "She's too sensible." "Well, Viva, I think you'd better get one." "The rest of the team are putting in 110%!" "Come on, girls, let's get warmed up." "That was amazing. 9-0." "Job done." "That's the best I've ever played!" "Two hat tricks, Amber!" "What can I say?" "No, Miss, I scored six." "Good girl, Amber." "Nice move when you smashed that number seven in the face with your cast." "No, that was an accident, Miss." "Course it was!" "Ha-ha!" "Oh, jeez, I need to sit down." "Are you all right?" "Is it the baby?" "Yes, she's kind of punching my cervix." "Which is what I wanted to talk about." "What, your cervix?" "Maternity leave." "This little muffin is nearly cooked and I need to go home and get some rest before she comes out of the oven, aka my vagina." "But, before I do that," "I need to appoint a temporary coach for the West Mount game." "What about Mr Phillips?" "I've asked him, but he's meeting his birth mother for the first time that day and he doesn't want to postpone." "I don't know what the big rush is - they've waited 30 years." "Miss Dennis?" "Miss Dennis?" "!" "She's gay and she fancies me." "I don't want to owe her." "Christ knows what that would involve." "One of us could do it." "Exactly." "Who wants it?" "No, but who really wants it?" "Who wants it 110%?" "Who votes for Saz?" "Five out of seven." "OK, Saz, you've won." "You're the new coach, whoo." "I won?" "People voted for me?" "People really voted for me?" "!" "Looks like it." "I don't know why, I'd have voted for Holli." "This is wonderful, thanks so much for the opportunity," "I won't let you down." "She thinks she's on fucking X Factor." "I'm so proud to be voted coach." "And next week, I will lead us out to beat West Mount." "Oh, get real, Saz, that is not going to happen." "West Mount are good." "With respect, Miss Hitchcock, I'm the coach now and I believe Greenshoots Girlscan win." "This is work." "We've got a job to do." "Let's do it!" "Thank you, thanks for voting, thank you very much." "What the fuck did you vote Saz for?" "I didn't think anyone else would vote for Saz." "Why did them others vote for Saz?" "I think some of the girls think you're a bit too violent." "Too violent?" "Too violent?" "!" "On a football pitch?" "Is there such a thing as too violent?" "Yes, Holli, there is." "You clearly head-butted their number three." "So?" "As part of your goal celebration?" "That is my goal celebration." "Oh, Brandon's here." "Not that I care." "Oh, my God, he's coming over." "Not that I care." "Do I look pretty?" "Not that we care." "Have you seen Junior?" "He's gone wandering again." "Brandon's granddad is a bit..." "What's that word, Brandon?" "Annoying, incontinent..." "Annoying!" "I can't remember the word, but he's a bit..." "Are you trying to say he's senile?" "No, I think he's Jamaican." "There's no fucking sugar, innit!" "Brandon's granddad like seating sugar." "Last night, he drank an entire tin of golden syrup when I went toilet." "I bet your mum went mad." "No, cos she wasn't there." "She's on a cruise." "Where?" "The fucking sea, where else?" "Says she needed a break." "Got it all booked up without even telling me." "And that's not right." "You don't just go off and leave your little child to fend for himself." "Has anyone got any sugar?" "So, who's looking after you?" "I am!" "I'm looking after me and I'm looking after Junior." "All by yourself?" "Yeah, all by myself." "Alone." "Is this a proper fucking cafe or not?" "Why don't you let me help you look after the house while your mum's away?" "Can you?" "Fuck off!" "That's weird - there's sugar on the floor." "It's kind of a trail." "Oh, my God, this is so Sherlock." "It's Junior!" "Found him, case closed." "Elementary, and I ain't even joking." "I've got to go." "Amber, I need you." "He needs me!" "Don't do all their cleaning!" "Don't do all their cooking!" "And don't do Brandon!" "I've been looking for you." "What's that?" "What?" "I thought I saw my name." "Oh, that." "It's my geography project." ""The Physical Geography Of The Rocky Mountains."" "Yeah." "Everyone has to do a project." "Is it cos you still love me?" "A little bit?" "No." "I wanted to talk to you about that, actually." "Cos now you've split up with Tyler, I thought..." "No, Rocky, we're over." "So you're what, 90% sure of that?" "No." "I'll settle for 95% sure." "No, Rocky." "Shake for 99, final offer." "I'm 1,000% sure we're 1,000% over." "OK." "That's a lot of per cent." "I'll leave you alone then, yeah?" "I'm sorry if I made it hard for you and Tyler, but it was difficult for me to see you with that chicken penis." "Bye." "That might be the last thing he ever says to me." "God!" "Do chickens even have penises?" "Thanks for coming, everyone." "I know it's lunch, but..." "Yes, Holli?" "Shouldn't we be outside kicking a ball and not wasting our time in here?" "Thank you, Holli, but I'll let you know when we're going outside, because I'm the coach." "Sit down, Holli." "Holli, do we have a discipline problem?" "!" "No." "No, Coach." "Yeah, like I'm going to call you "Coach"." "OK." "So Friday is supposed to be windy, so we'll start with my analysis of why wind is important and how it can help us." "Then we'll move onto my windy weather game plan." "So there we are." "Any questions?" "I've got one." "Who wishes they'd voted for me now?" "Jade, Shannabelle, Ria, Viva?" "I'm talking to you, bitches." "Do we really have to have all these strategies, Saz?" "Can't we just try to win?" "I'm really hungry." "Amber, shit attitude." "All of you, shit attitude!" "Except for Viva." "Viva, I saw you taking notes." "Well done." "Non-shit attitude!" "She's not even taking notes, Miss..." "I mean, Saz..." "I mean, Coach..." "Look!" "I knew you still liked Rocky." "What?" "I don't still like Rocky." "Then why are you doodling his name, then?" "I don't know." "Maybe there's a time lag between my hand and my brain and my brain hasn't got round to telling my hand that I don't like him." "Your hand really needs to sit down with your brain for a chat, then." "And my face needs to sit down with some chips." "Come on." "OK, girls, see you after school for training." "Did it go well?" "Because I can't always tell." "No, Saz, it didn't go well." "Are you just joking that it didn't go well, cos I can't always tell?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah," "I am just joking, but maybe you are taking it all a bit too seriously." "I'm cold." "What is this fuckery, Saz?" "Shut up, Holli!" "We're trying something different today, it's called visualisation." "Now, like I was saying, you've got the ball, you're running towards the goal." "'It's an awesome run." "'You see a chance, you choose your spot, 'and, oh!" "You just scored the epic-est goal ever." "'A massive wave of joy surges through your body.'" "Greenshoots have won!" "'Your heart is bursting with pride and it's time to get your trophy." "'It's gold and it feels amazing." "'You're a winner!" "'" "Rocky?" "Rocky!" "This stuff is bullshit." "How is this supposed to help us beat West Mount?" "Saz has lost it." "Who's with me?" "Holli, what are you whispering about?" "Nothing." "Come on, Holli." "No time for chatting, unless you want a detention." "Maybe you all want a detention?" "WHO WANTS A DETENTION?" "!" "Fuck sake, calm your hype." "You mean, "Calm your hype, Coach."" "Saz, I think you're getting a bit carried away." "Carried away?" "She's lost it." "Who votes for another vote for who's the coach?" "No, we're not doing that." "Why?" "Are you scared?" "Come on." "I'm not sure I turned it round." "I'm still feeling that hostile vibe, Viva." "When I did the visualisation," "I suddenly saw everyone holding a knife." "Did you see anything weird?" "No!" "Not weird at all." "Wakey-wakey, Amber." "Ten more minutes, Mum." "OK, I'm going to cook us all a lovely dinner." "Why don't we go upstairs?" "Junior won't even know." "You know I'm just here to help you look after things while your mum's away?" "Yeah, you can help me look after my penis." "No, that's not what I meant." "I know, but we can still..." "Enjoy being together?" "Yeah, and..." "Watch telly together?" "Yes, and..." "Play that game?" "Pregnant ladies wrestling match?" "Oh!" "My baby's coming!" "My baby's coming!" "Yeah, that was a good game, but I was thinking more of that game where we, you know, fuck each other's brains out." "Oh, Brandon." "Thanks." "OK, erm, now is not a good time, Junior." "Amber'll make you a nice cup of tea in a minute." "Typical." "He never offers me a lolly." "I've got to steal them when he's asleep." "Maybe if you were nicer to him." "I am nice." "Just not as nice as you." "I mean, you're the complete package, Amber." "Your hair, your legs, the cute way you stick your tongue out when you're thinking." "You're just saying that, you don't really like that face." "No, I do." "Stop complimenting me!" "I'm only here to make Spicy Sizzlin' Chicken." "You can't just go around saying Spicy Sizzlin' Chicken and expect me not to get aroused." "It makes you look real sexy." "Seriously, Brandon." "Shut up or I'm leaving!" "Why do you keep saying this stuff?" "Why don't you listen to me?" "Cos I know you like me." "And I know you want me." "And you know I'm your boy." "Except you did it with my sister!" "What?" "You still remember that?" "Yes, I still remember, it was the worst moment of my life." "And that's including when I realised my dog, Toggle, preferred my dad!" "Do you know what, this is quite frustrating." "I've got a massive boner and now I'm going to have to run this thing off or something." "I can't stay here with you feeling like this." "OK, I'll make a start on dinner." "I love to cook." "Spicy Sizzlin' Chicken." "I made you a cup of tea." "Thank you, Amber." "Has Brandon gone out?" "Yeah." "He had to, er..." "go out." "Tell me where he's hidden the golden syrup." "Oh, you're not supposed to." "If you tell me, I can tell you stuff about Brandon, all kinds of stuff about who he gets up to." ""Who"?" "Did you mean what he gets up to or did you mean who?" "Golden syrup." "Junior." "Junior!" "JUNIOR!" "Aw..." "Spicy Sizzlin' Chicken." "'What 1976 film starring Sylvester Stallone 'spawned five sequels?" "'" "Rocky!" "Rocky!" "It's Amber, she's baby-sitting Junior." "She thinks he's dead." "Tell her to put him in the recovery position and call an ambulance." "It won't work." "He's like spaghetti!" "Try slapping him in the face." "No." "He's really frail - she might hurt him." "It's not working." "It's not working." "She's going to whack him with a cushion." "Tell her to call an ambulance before she kills him." "It's not working!" "I'm going to try something else!" "She's waterboarding him with her Coke." "It's not working." "It's not working." "I really hope he's not dead." "He's dead, Holli." "He's dead." "Dead, dead, dead." "Completely dead." "I tried to save him, but I just couldn't!" "He's dead!" "I'm standing in a room with a dead man!" "Rocky!" "He didn't see you." "Rocky!" "Oh, my God, how humiliating." "Sit down, Viva." "He didn't see me." "Doesn't matter." "I don't even care." "Should I text him and tell him that he didn't see me?" "Why don't you just admit you still like him?" "Because I don't still like him." "I don't know what you're laughing at, Amber." "Brandon is completely using you and making you look a fool." "No, he's not, I'm just being kind." "Gullible, more like." "Yeah, kind, gullible, caring - they're all the same, aren't they?" "No, they're different." "Are they?" "Well, I don't care." "If I can help Brandon till his mum comes back, that's just being nice." "So long as you're helping and not just doing everything." "Well, I have to do quite a bit, cos the funny thing is," "Brandon doesn't know how to work a lot of the stuff in his house." "I bet he doesn't." "He thought his vacuum cleaner was some sort of ornament, so I had to show him how to work it." "Girls, I hope you all enjoyed the chips I bought you, but it's time to get down to some team talk." "Can I tell everyone about my idea?" "Thank you, Holli, but not right now." "Come on, Coach." "OK." "Yeah, Holls, you go for it." "I welcome your input." "We've just got to sort out the table." "So, if Ria positions herself between the defence and the mid-field, then she can pick up through balls to Viva and me." "I want Ria forward." "Fuck's sake." "Ria is forward." "Ria is the mustard." "Are you even listening?" "Ria's the mustard?" "You said she was the pepper." "No." "Amber's the pepper, Viva's the salt and you're the old tea bag." "I'm not being funny, Holls, but it's best you leave the brain work to me." "This is how it's going to work." "Me, Jade, Holli," "Viva, Amber, Ria," "Shannabelle, Dominique." "I've got it all very carefully planned out." "Saz, that's eight." "We're playing seven a side." "Hah!" ""I'm Saz." "I took my maths GCSE early and I still can't count to seven!"" "Yeah, right, sorry." "My bad." "So, what I would do... is... that." "You're taking off the mayo?" "Yeah, I'm benching the mayo." "You're benching the mayo?" "Yep." "I'm the fucking mayo, aren't I?" "!" "Yep, you're the fucking mayo." "Right, Holli, you're off the team." "You're not part of the squad, you're not a sub, you're gone." "Get out of here!" "OK, right." "I'm going to hold that vote again now and you can't stop me." "Who wants me to take over as new manager?" "Sorry, babe." "OK, we haven't got much time, so we're going to work hard for the next couple of days, and we're going to keep it to the three basics." "Tackling, diving and trash-talking." "What's trash-talking?" "It's like when someone from West Mount is about to take a free kick, you go up to them and say," ""Your mum gives blow jobs behind Lidls!" to put them off." "But what if it's not true?" "Come on, it's West Mount, it's a 50/50 chance." "It doesn't matter if it's true, just abuse them." ""Your mum does it with hamsters."" "Nastier. "Your mum does it with ugly hamsters."" "Ruder. "Your mum gives blow jobs to fat hamsters!"" "Your homework is to work on better cusses." "Now, I'm going to give you a diving masterclass." "When you dive, it's got to look like you've really tripped." "Viva's going to give you a demo of this, and this is what it needs to look like." "Ow!" "Did everyone see that?" "I need a plaster!" "That's it, girls, but when you fall, you've got to commit to it." "Really commit." "Aargh!" "Good work, Jade." "That's what I'm talking about." "I think I've broke my ankle." "That's great." "Really lay it on." "Maybe you've broken both ankles." "I think she's really hurt." "No, this is what you all need to do - go massively over the top." "I'm really fucking hurt!" "Of course you are, Jade." "Have a penalty." "You're my star pupil." "Ooh, you've got a bit of blood there." "Blood?" "Very tricky without Saz and Jade." "Oooww!" "Why did she have to die without ever knowing her long-lost love actually lived next door?" "I don't know, hon." "Sometimes life's just sad." "I'm going." "Good night, Junior." "Night, Junior." "Now that your mum's coming back, we won't see much of each other." "I want to ask you something." "Yes, Brandon?" "Can you do me a couple of bags of washing?" "It turns out Junior's been leaving his dirty clothes under the bed." "What?" "It proper stinks." "But if you get in there quick, you can get it before he drops off." "I showed you how to work the washing machine." "Yeah, but I'm not good at remembering that kind of stuff." "My friends are right about you." "You're a user." "You're only nice to me when you want something." "You're worst than Toggle." "Who?" "Toggle." "My dog from when I was little, only nice to me when he wanted a biscuit." "Hurt you very badly, hasn't he?" "Yeah." "Toggle wasn't really a kind dog." "Amber, I'm talking about Brandon." "Oh, Brandon." "Yeah, he hurt me, but the thing is, Viva, when you love a boy like I love Brandon, you can't just turn it off like a tap." "No, sure, but someone can decide not to be in a bad relationship." "But that's what I'm trying to tell you, Viva." "You can't control being in love - no-one can." "Even Katy Perry or Taylor Swift or you." "Meaning what?" "You're the one who doesn't realise you're still mad on Rocky." "Rocky!" "Rocky Mountains?" "Look!" "Rocky!" "Rocky!" "Rocky!" "Rocky!" "Oh, God." "Oh, no!" "What?" "I'm an idiot." "The world's been trying to send me a message and I haven't been listening." "I've got to find Rocky." "Where are you going?" "We've got the match." "I need to find Rocky." "No need, he's coming." "Rocky's coming." "I've been looking for you." "You wanted Rocky and he appeared." "OMG, it's destiny." "Can you give us some privacy, girls?" "It's our big game today." "And us." "I was going to..." "I wanted to say..." "We need to talk." "Yeah, we do." "You know, a lot of the football dudes have these little superstitions and shit." "Yeah, the girls are the same." "OK, so, before we split up, my little superstition was always to, like, kiss you, last thing before I went and got changed for a match." "Oh, Rocky..." "But, since I stopped doing the little kissing thing," "I haven't scored a single goal." "It's even got me doubting my own talent, like I'm bad at football or something." "So you need to kiss me?" "Is that what this is about?" "You don't mind?" "Cos I thought with us being like four million percent finished, you wouldn't..." "It would be a no-tongues deal, obviously." "I just need to..." "Rocky, kiss me." "I mean, it's... it's fine." "OK." "That's that done." "Hope it works." "Gemma's waiting for me." "She's a bit jealous of you." "You're seeing someone else?" "Yep." "Moving on like you wanted." "Good luck today, yeah." "And thanks for the, you know." "Holli, why are you only wearing two bras?" "One of my bras is missing." "Don't know what happened to it." "Don't tell anyone." "I want everyone believing everything's fine." "Shit, where are your lucky boots?" "Ah, that's a weird story." "I put them outside the back door, cos they smelt nasty, and a fox went toilet in them." "It's absolutely true." "But you've still got them, right?" "Yes, yes." "And no." "Which?" "No." "Amber!" "My mum threw them away." "Oh, my God, Ria's eating a Crunchie." "So is Shannabelle and Jade." "The vending machine was out of Kit Kats." "This is bad." "Maybe I could try and do the three-wee thing." "Don't be dumb - that's Saz's thing." "OK." "Maybe worth a try." "Well, actually I just went wee, I don't think I can go again." "There's a complete lack of urine in my bladder at the moment." "OK, good luck, everyone." "And one last piece of advice - don't forget girls have boobs." "Elbow them in the boobs if you get the chance." "It really hurts, unless you're wearing three bras." "OK, sisters, it's time." "I don't want to play." "I don't feel good." "You're playing." "We're already minus Saz and Jade is, like, so crippled." "Sazzy!" "Yeh, yeh, yeh!" "You're back, then." "Yes, Coach." "When you're in a team, you have to fucking play." "Even though everyone in the team hates you, Coach." "Well, if you're making the effort, I suppose I have to." "What's the matter?" "Is it Rocky?" "I've lost him for ever." "He's seeing Gemma." "Gemma?" "!" "She's really pretty." "Really beautiful, and clever." "She can drive and her car is well flash." "And apparently she gives fantastic head." "I don't know how I know that." "Yeah, well, you still have to play football." "We'll all get pissed and cry later." "They look angry." "It's all part of their act." "They look angry, we look angry." "We're all going to get murdered." "Hopefully, they'll target Holli first." "5-0." "It's not that bad." "We can come back from that." "Look what happened last week, we scored nine goals." "Why don't we just forfeit the game and go for ice creams?" "Because we're not quitters." "What aren't we?" "Quitters." "I said, what aren't we?" "!" "Quitters!" "Who are we?" "Winners." "Winners." "Amber." "And don't forget to trash-talk them." "Making them give away penalties is most probably our best chance." "Your mama's so fat, when she eats a Mars, she eats Mars." "You know, like the planet." "Your mama's so fat, one of her boobs speaks fluent Welsh - because she's so wide, one of her boobs is in Wales!" "Wales is next to England, right?" "Hey, bitch, your mama's so fat, her chair committed suicide." "Penalty!" "Sazzy!" "Sazzy!" "Sazzy!" "Sazzy!" "5-5 with only two bras, two wees, three Crunchies and no lucky boots." "Think what we could have done on a good day!" "What do you want, Brandon?" "I'm not talking to you no more." "You're an idiot." "I'm sorry, you're right." "My mum's back and I want to say thank you for all your help." "We could go to a film or go for a meal or do whatever you want to do." "Oh!" "My baby's coming!" "My baby's coming!"