"Crap, I completely forgot." "I don't want to see Soames, can't we cancel?" "But he loves you!" "He thinks you're "so French"!" "How was it with the editor?" "He asked me to redo my drawings, they were too exuberant." "I said, "No, take me as I am."" "Be yourself, Lulu." "That's how I like you." "Oh Darren, you didn't forget!" "We've been together a year, darling!" "Happy anniversary!" "You're messing up my suit!" "Stop fussing, Darren!" "Do you want..." "Want what?" "Bordeaux wine?" "Quail eggs?" "To make love?" "To marry me?" "I'm calling my mum." " What?" " Mum, I need to tell her." " Wait, Lulu..." " She'll be so happy!" "What?" " You didn't give me an answer!" " To what?" "Will you marry me, Lulu?" "Yes, my love!" "Yes, I'll marry you!" "No, not my hanky..." "Oh, Lulu, don't!" "Let's go to Sauvadieu this weekend to surprise them!" "This weekend?" "To Sauvadioo?" "Sauvadieu!" "Where I was born, in Périgord." "ACT 1 HELLO FRANCE!" "Hello, France!" " Can you smell it?" " What?" "The freedom here!" "You're in France, my love!" "The homeland of Rousseau, Victor Hugo, Marc Lévy... the country of 3,000 cheeses!" " 3,000 cheeses?" " Maybe 300, no need to quibble." "France, the country of human rights!" "I've got a bad feeling, I'm not prepared for this trip." "Relax, you'd think we we're going through Kabul." "What could happen?" "We're spending a quiet weekend at my parents'." "What is this..." "A picket line, darling." "That's what it is." "Hello, do you guys speak French?" "ANGRY CIVIL SERVANTS!" "ANGRY NURSES!" "ANGRY STUDENTS!" "So how do you like my country?" "It's sublime." "Just sublime." "Professional estimate?" "That castle is superb..." "I'd say it was worth... 1.2 or 1.3 million pounds?" "Have you ever been there?" "It's priceless, I was born there." "I must emphasise that France's history started here." "Yes, my friend, right here." "In the Sauvadieu castle." "One wonders why it isn't listed." "Yes, I..." "Henri IV, the Iron Mask," "Charles de Batz, or d'Artagnan," "Napoleon!" "Everyone!" "I'm telling you, everyone has slept here!" "And they coupled up nicely... what with the Peyrac baronesses' terrific personalities." "But this is my favourite!" "Do you know it?" "No..." "François Henri Gonzague de Peyrac, an ancestor of mine." "He was commanded the "Triomphant", a solid three-masted boat from the Tourville admiral's fleet during La Hougue." " The battle of who?" " La Hougue!" "Ribaud, 1692." "My ancestor, sword in hand, fighting against 20 men." "Blade, point, parry four, parry five, I could go on." ""No mercy!" was the motto." "He fought like a lion against the English" "Seeing they were winning, one of the Brits from some kind of loathsome dump put a bullet in my ancestor's back like a coward!" "It's nothing." "If there's a heaven for heroes, there's no doubt that François Henri de Gonzague will obtain a place of honour." "Well then!" "Now, you're going to list the castle for me?" "I think there's been a mistake, Baron." "I'm not here for National Heritage, I'm court bailiff Folace." "You've not paid your debts, social security, direct taxes, VAT, property tax, all adding up to 49,857 euros." "Therefore in a week, we'll seize your furniture and valuables and auction them publicly." "I'm told you have one of the region's finest wine cellars." "Not my wine cellar!" "It's a life's work..." "I will return with an auctioneer, who will estimate the value of your goods." "Have a good day!" "Strip-tease is an art, ladies." "In 20 years, you'll be able to take it at school." "Josette!" "Sensual and feline!" "Just a second, ladies." "It was the bailiff." "This time, my dear, I think it's the end." " What's that?" " I don't know, a visitor." "And?" " It's an English number plate." " A British man?" "On my land?" "Never!" "Sir, please leave my home or I'll skewer you like a chicken!" " Dad!" " My girl!" "You're back from that primitive land!" "Give me a hug!" " I've missed you so much!" " Same here, my angel!" "Tell me, who's this strange man dressed like a clown, looking and smiling manically at me there?" " It's Darren." " Darren?" "He's..." " He's passionate about France." " That's good, but still..." "He's my friend." "My old friend from London who's travelling with me." "It's a sort of girls' weekend away." "I see, I see." "That's fortunate." "Lulu!" "My little Lulu!" "It's so good to see you!" " You look lovely!" " You too." "I'm not shocked." "My son is in the same camp." "I'm used to it." "Darren, Mum." "Mum, Darren." "A friend from London." "Welcome!" "Make yourself at home." "He's bent, it's common among Englishmen." " It's not just in England..." " Certainly." "What does "bent" mean?" "Ignore it, it's dialect." "Good evening!" " Hello." " Hello." "Lulu!" "Lulu!" "Couldn't you say:" ""Dad, this is Darren, my fiancé"?" "Why did you lie?" "My dad is very old-fashioned, he's in fragile health..." "The least emotion could be fatal." "Don't worry, I'll tell him." "Typical Frenchmen, like on the postcards." "Lords of the manor!" "What of it?" "Is it giving you a complex?" "You know what?" "You should be marrying him." "My daddy, my daddy!" "Silly thing, you're the man for me!" "Come on." "You know what I fancy?" "Who's this?" "You're not going to guess?" "Do I look that different?" "That's..." "It could have waited, Mum." "You're not embarrassed?" "I adore photo albums." "Embarrassed about you?" "Impossible!" "She was a little saucy." "I was a dancer at the Crazy Horse." "My stage name was Cruelle Ponpon." "I made the men suffer!" "But they love it!" "Right, Darren?" "Come along, I'll show you your room." " Oh, because I'm not in the..." " But you know where to find me." "You know, Darren." "I think my daughter has very good taste in girlfriends." "On 31st August, we saw coming downwind" "A frigate from England" "Ploughing the sea and the waves" "In order to attack Bordeaux" "Take a swig or two To the health of our lovers" "To the health of the King of France" "To hell with the King of England Who declared war on us" "Take a swig or two To the health of our lovers" "To the health of French wine" "To whom we owe our success In conquering the English." "You're not dressing up for dinner?" "We're in the countryside." "Relax!" "How's business?" " It's a disaster." " Yeah." " Have you sold the horses?" " And all their land." "We have to pay 50,000 euros in a week." "Apart from that, the baron's doing just fine." "Darren!" "You haven't told us what you do for a living." "I sell high-end apartments..." "I make a good living." "I've even sold a castle, it was even bigger than yours." " No kidding!" " Little bro!" "Big sis!" "What are you doing here?" " How are you?" " Well, and you?" "My son Auguste and his partner Sébastian." "And this is Darren." "One of Ludivine's good friends from London." "He's in your camp." "He'll feel right at home." " I think that..." " Yes, me too." "I'm really hungry, too." "Well if you're hungry, darling, let's sit down!" "Duck confit in goose fat, with garlic-glazed apples." "It goes down better." "It's a family recipe which I would never reveal." "You've exceeded yourself, Dad." "If you don't like it, don't force yourself." "What do you mean "don't like it"?" "It must be a change from..." "whatever." "You don't have much of a culinary tradition in England." "Isn't that so?" "Tell me, Darren." "Darren of England..." "Might you have a spare jacket to help me scare away the ravens?" "That's his humour, you don't have to like it either." "I knew that the French made cheese and perfume." "I wasn't aware about their humour." "Dad, what are you having us drink with this?" "My husband has an exceptional wine cellar." "The region's finest." "Well my dear, let's see if you still have a good nose." "Over to you." "Intense colour with reddish-brown hints." "A powerful fragrance..." "Woody tones, a little spicy..." "Full flavour, lingers in the mouth." "Château Mintrot Baron 1989." "Oh my girl, my girl!" "Bravo!" "Bravo!" "Children," "I can feel that we're going to trash them." "It's about time, it's been 30 years since you've beat Sauvagnac." " Savages!" " Savages and collaborators!" "With the English in the 100 Year War and the Germans in 1940." " With aliens, if they landed!" " The brutes!" " Dogs!" " Monsters!" " Terrorists!" " Sauvagnac." "The name rings in my ears like an insult." "It's a village ten kilometres away." "We've always hated them and their rugby team has always beaten ours." " Well..." " Dad is president, coach, assistant and trainer of the team." "What about you Darren?" "Have you ever played rugby?" "Darren!" "Darren!" "Darren, Mum asked you a question." "Sorry, I..." "I played rugby at school," "I was fly half..." "Is that how you say it?" "But I wasn't a big fan." "In any case..." "Are you staying a long time?" "We're going back to London in three or four days." "You're not coming back to live here." " Do you prefer living with Brits?" " I still have things to do." "I'm starting to make a living on my drawings." "I'll be illustrating children's stories." "Eat up!" "It mustn't get cold." "Otherwise the fat coagulates." "It smells like a dead body." "It's Sauvadiou, a local cheese." "It's a bit strong, but you get used to it." "Good." "Now then." "I'd like to propose a toast for my daughter's return." "Me too." "Firstly, I'm hungry." "But more importantly..." "Ludivine and I... are getting married." "Sorry Adémar, I'm not gay." "Dad!" "Dad, let me explain!" "A Brit in the family?" "Never!" " Dad, I love him!" " I don't want to hear that word!" "I need to pray in the chapel." "Alone!" "Dad!" "Dad, open up!" "Dad!" "Dad, you're not even religious!" "So what?" "You know, Darren?" "If you marry Ludivine, you're not just marrying her... but the whole family." "But Darren..." "Get ready for the wedding night!" "You." "Roast beef." "This way." "History is written by two kinds of people." "The heroes and the traitors." "I do not give my consent." "I will not help with this wedding." "Your children aren't my grandchildren, and from tonight, my daughter is not my daughter." "I will die alone with no descendents, in my castle in ruins." "Dad!" "And of course, no frolicking under my roof." "Or I'll impale you." "There we go, has he finished his piece?" "I'll come to your wedding." "I wish you much happiness!" "No rush to have kids, the idea of being such a young grandma doesn't excite me at all!" "Don't worry, you're his favourite." "He'll calm down." "Seb..." "Let's leave them alone." "Don't touch me." "At least... your mum and brother seem alright with it." "I told you to keep quiet." "It's pure madness!" ""I don't give my consent", we're in the 21st century, for God's sake!" "You don't get it, do you?" "I want to get married here!" "In the castle with my family." "Otherwise I won't get married." "ACT 2 I WILL SURVIVE" "You have to win them over." "Tell me you're joking." "They have to change their mind." "You must charm them." "What do I have to do?" "Put Sauvadiou all over my body?" "Exactly the right moment to be funny." "I don't know, you charmed me!" "Charm them!" "You have three days." "That's easy to say, they treat me as if I'd burnt Joan of Arc!" "I feel trapped." "I'm so tense... my back!" " I'll take care of it." " Yes." "Your hands work miracles." "Is it better?" "It doesn't hurt anymore?" "I love when we cuddle." "Are you sure your dad won't burst in?" "If he does, you know how to defend yourself." "What's that thing?" " What?" " It seems to be spreading." "What?" "What?" " I can see it getting bigger!" " What is it?" "Oh my..." "Darren." "Darren?" "Welcome, my boy." "I'm St Peter." "Don't worry." "I'm just Dr N'Kono, you're not in heaven yet." "Shame." "What have I got, Doctor?" "Tell me honestly." "Nothing." "Simply an overdose of Sauvadiou." "It always happens the first time!" "You wimp." "That's ugly!" "I'm not sure it will go away." "I'll prescribe you antibiotics." "Tomorrow, see that you eat lightly." "You look a little off-colour." "You need a lot of rest, I'll write you a doctor's note." "I have to be in London on Monday." "No." "In your state, it's unadvisable to travel." " I'll write you off for a week." " A week?" "I'm just saying what's reasonable." "After that..." "In any case, at least three days." "Three days." "Well then." "I'll give you a shot for tonight." "Would you like to leave, please?" "I've seen the male anatomy before." "I've been president of the rugby club for 30 years." "Ah yes." "The same amount of time you've been being thrashed?" "Come on, Dad, let's leave them to it." "Come on!" "Rest well, my dear." "I hate this weekend and this country," "I want to go home!" "What did you eat, then?" "Only the French can take all that fatty food." "You know, the only problem with the French is that they claim to be the best cooks in the world." "But find me a single one who can make a good sauce with yellow coconut worms." "This guy seems rather delicate." "I didn't get married in the castle either." "His father couldn't stand the sight of me." "Your Darren is quite special, where did you find him?" "In a restaurant with friends." "Love at first sight, bingo!" "We've not been apart since." "He learnt French in three months just for me." "That's what I keep telling Dad." "The English aren't all bad news." "I don't know how I've managed to be away for two years." "It's obvious how." "But you seem to have turned over a new leaf." "It just goes to show, all has been forgotten." "What if you bump into him?" "What do you mean?" "Is he back from his trip around the world?" "Crap." "Morning!" "My dear girl!" "Shall I make you a hot chocolate?" "Thanks, but I'm popping out for the meds." "He needs to take them by noon, or it'll be a crisis." "Yes, but I've been wondering since last night..." "Can't you stay longer?" "Your father needs advice." "This didn't happen when you managed the business." "What happened?" "He was hoodwinked by a guy to whom he lent money to start a business." "The guy ran off with the money, the debts mounted and here we are." "I honestly don't know what I could do." "Morning, my love!" "Ah, Darren!" "Are you feeling better?" "Shall I make you a little something to eat?" "We have everything we need, even jam from the garden fruits!" "Thanks, but I can't eat anything for the next 1,000 years." "It's almost all gone." "Brilliant." "I'll dash to the pharmacy, try to buddy up to my dad a little..." "Yeah, right." "Good idea!" "Go find him, he's in the garden." "He'll like that." "Oh, darling." "Compliment him on his pigs!" "He's crazy about one little piglet called Gargantua." "Gargantua!" "See you soon!" "See you!" "Hello!" "You pretty little pig!" "You're a disaster!" "You bring the plagues of Egypt!" "I did nothing!" "Take off that red thing, the colour scares them!" "My babies, Daddy's here." "Come, Gargantua!" "Sorry, I was trying to be friendly." "Want to be friendly?" "Call off the wedding." "Impossible." "Why?" "I love Lulu." "I swear..." "The more I know people, the more I like animals." "And my Vombrator." ""Vombrator", what's that?" "My Vombrator... is this!" "A 100% French tractor!" "Those English pieces of junk don't even have a patch on it." "Sadly, it's given up the ghost." "How old is it?" "Almost 200 years?" "Pre-war..." "Before the "War of Fire"?" "If you manage to fix it, I'll walk Ludivine down the aisle." "Don't get your hands dirty." "But did she tell you she'd think about it?" "That's what counts!" "Face up to reality for once!" "Her staying longer won't change a thing." "They're going to repossess our things." "You still don't understand." "Lulu's always been my lucky charm, when she was here everything was perfect!" "Plus, she's a much more gifted bookkeeper than artist." "It's not by chance she's back the day the bailiff visited." "It's a sign!" "It's a sign!" "Did you tell her Lionel was back and that he'd called?" "I didn't press the point, she was having a hard time." "Where's Darren?" "I asked him to repair my "Vombrator"." "You are mean!" "That thing's never worked." "Even your dad couldn't fix it." "I did it!" "Don't forget your promise, Adémar!" "Which promise?" "How did you do that?" "You're a wizard!" "My hands can work miracles." " Just ask your daughter!" " What?" "Come on!" "And your promise!" "We'll see, we'll see!" "Yes?" "Soames!" "Can't you watch out?" "Oh, it's you." "What do you want now?" "Baron, this is Mr Ducornet, an auctioneer from Périgueux, he'll assess your goods, above all your famous wine cellar." "Good day, sir, madam." "Madam, shall we start inside?" "Go find my daughter, I need her to keep me calm." "And put on something less garish." "They'll end up stoning you." "Pint of stout, please." "A dark beer, sounds good." "You're English?" "Why yes, but my wife is French." "She doesn't speak our language." "It was her who infected me." " Are you complaining, dear?" " No, darling." "Beware of French women." "They're all witches." "I'm engaged to a French woman." "Is your fiancée from around here?" "No, from Sauvadieu." "They're all mad over there." "They're stuck in the stone age." "Especially the guy from the castle, the baron." "A real madman!" "Grumpy, lazy, sly." "A "Frenchy" in all his splendour." "The baron has a remarkable wine cellar, right darling?" "The wine cellars of the Peyrac castle." "It's a legend in the region." "Can I give you just one piece of advice?" "Leave your girlfriend immediately." "But I love her." "Then you're doomed." "Leave this country straight away." "It's too late for us." "You're still young." "Miracle." " Yes, darling?" " Are you coming back, my love?" "Are you in Sauvadieu?" "Let's meet at "Bon Accueil", the cafe in the square." "Where are you?" "In Sauvagnac." "You idiot, they're nuts in that village." "Come back!" " They're dangerous!" " Bravo!" "Edward..." "Please don't be so French!" "It's not worth a lot." " But it's a Puget." " No..." " Yes it is!" " No it isn't!" "That said, maybe it needs some thought." " Ah yes, that may well be." " See?" "But it's an early work, then." "You're the expert here." "If we could continue looking round, sir?" "That way." "Waiter, please?" "I..." "Do you do shandy?" "One light shandy." " Waiter!" " Yes." "Waiter!" "A nice, cold water." "Coming right up." "Are you going to come serve me?" "How can you speak to me like that?" "Is it because I'm a simple waiter?" "Is that it?" "I have a sense of dignity, sir." "The English are worse than the Parisians!" "I won't wait on rude people." "Get out of here." " Hey!" " Why didn't you sit down?" "I was exploring the country." "Here's your medicine." "Take one straight away." "Hang on, I'll get a glass of water." "Lolo?" "Did you speak to my dad?" "Yes, the bailiff and another guy are at the castle." " You have to go back right away." " Now you're telling me!" "I can't help it if the phone cuts off when it wants." "Ludivine?" "Hello..." "Hello." "I'm Darren." "Lulu's fiancée." "Congratulations." "You're a lucky man." "Lionel." "Wow, it's been a long time!" "So..." "How are you?" "What's new?" "What have you been up to?" " Can you hold my bike?" " Yeah." "I promised myself something if I saw you again." "Really?" "What is it?" " What's going on?" " It's alright." "It's alright." "I deserved it." "I was a jerk to you." "In any case... it's nice to see you again." "Well, I'm going to cut across the fields, we'll arrive at the same time." "It he an ex?" "I couldn't claim otherwise." "You must have loved him dearly." "Why do you say that?" "You never told me about him." "There are plenty of things I haven't told you." "ACT 3 ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" "Depicting debauchery?" "It's not worth much." "What a shame, are you sure?" "Ludivine's on her way." "She's cutting across the fields." " You took your time!" " I got a little lost." "Say Adémar, remember how you just made me a promise?" " Me?" " What is this promise, anyway?" "Can we go to your wine cellar?" " Are you wishing me dead?" " The men are just doing their job." "Use the chance to show Darren your fines wines." "They won't spare me a drop." "Darren, do you like wine?" "I prefer single malt, Cardhu, Glen Morangie, Glenlivet, Aberlour," "I can tell them apart blindfolded." "And Japanese green tea!" "Genmeisha, Gyokuro, Kukicha, Bancha, Sensha, Kakegawa..." ""Arigato!"" "Alright vampires, follow me." "Let it go, Béa." "It won't kill me to miss a dusty Beaujolais or two." "What?" "What did you say?" "You villain, you swine." "You total philistine, come with me." "You'll see if it's Beaujolais, move." "Move!" "You vampires, too." "To the right!" "What you're seeing isn't exactly the dregs." "You'll see that it's nothing like what you expect." "Sirs..." "You're entering the Holy of Holies." "Here, I keep... 64 marvellous bottles." "It's only a few, but they're exceptional." "Bordeaux, of course." "What else?" "Château Margaux '61." " That's worth quite something." " It's priceless, be civilised!" "Baron, would you let us taste a little wine?" "There are no minor wines in here, young man." "Where do you think you are?" "In the wine aisle of some kind of low-end supermarket?" "Valhalla..." "Mount Olympia!" "And I'm Zeus." "And I'm going to open a bottle, which I will taste in the company of my future son-in-law." "But I will allow you to watch." "Good lord, it's corked." "64 minus one." "Sirs, this is the exact number of masterpieces... which are kept here." "I entrust this to you and now that you've completed your evil work," "I ask you to leave immediately." "I'm exhausted." "Thank you." " Sir, we'll be back." " Yes, we'll be back." "Of course." "Finally alone." "My boy," "I'll now introduce you to the mysteries of wine." "The secret of good tasting is not known by many." "It's to consume, in one go, the entire contents of the glass." "Without hesitating, all at once." "Then the wine will be able to slowly spread through your whole body." "Go on, in one go!" "There we go!" "It tastes funny, doesn't it?" "That, my friend, is the taste of time!" "You taste the earthy flavours, the wild strawberries, roasted hazelnuts." "They take over your body and soul..." "One more." "You'll see how it sweeps you away." "In Sauvadieu... we met an old friend of Lulu's." "Oh, who was that?" "Lionel." "Lionel, imagine that." "Dear Lionel." "Dear Lionel, dear Lionel!" "She slapped him." "Right on the street!" "Since she's been here," "I don't recognise Lulu anymore." "She's so calm normally, but now..." "She slapped him?" "That calls for a drink!" "The taste of time." "If Robbo can play for England, so can I..." "You made him drink?" "And after his poisoning yesterday!" "You're the one who wanted him to visit my cellar!" "I'm hospitable, I wanted to let him taste fine wine." "It's not my fault if he can't drink well!" " She slapped him." " Sorry?" "Lulu ran into Lionel and she slapped him." "You know what that means?" "It means that she still loves him, and if she does, she'll stay." "I don't get involved." "Do as I do." "I'm neutral, I'm..." "Swiss." "What a nightmare!" "Where's Lulu?" "True, she's meant to be here." " We have to warn the police!" " Don't panic!" "Listen up, we'll call the police station." "The phone's in my office." "Hello?" "Police station?" "It's Adémar de Peyrac." "Oh, it's you, Seb?" "We're a little concerned," "Lulu didn't come back to the castle." "We're worried." "I don't know, we might have to go on a little hunt." "Will you send a car?" " Yes?" " Lulu's coming!" "False alarm, she's on her way back." " Sorry to bother you." " You didn't, did you?" "Yes I did." "They won't marry over my dead body." "The man will return to England alone." "He's sincere, at least he won't make her suffer!" "You think we love people because they're good to us?" "If that was the case, we'd have broken up long ago." "That's true." "I didn't always behave perfectly towards you." "Indeed." "Hello, Lionel?" "How are you, my boy?" "Are you hurt?" "I fell, but it's not serious." "I've seen worse." "No, no, wait!" "Come on." "Come quick, we need to clean you up." " You never know." " Never know what?" "Don't take it lightly." "You could catch a deadly virus, it's common in tropical countries." "Savadieu, a tropical country!" "For a guy born in Newcastle," "Africa starts at Calais." "What have you got there?" "In your dad's office." "You look happy in that photo." "I looked it." "But it was an illusion." "Not a patch on us." " I'm not hurting you am I?" " No." "My hero." "You've had some wine, haven't you?" "Aren't you a little drunk?" "Your dad brought me to his cellar." " How typical!" " What a snitch." "The one time I'm welcoming..." "Go put your head under cold water." "Yes, darling." ""Do this, do that", "yes, darling", he's under her thumb." "It that a real man?" "Dad, come with me, we need to talk." "Yes, darling, I'm coming." "Is that a real man?" "Go ahead, darling." "Look here, you'll put this away." "It's Darren I'm going to marry." "Whether you like it or not." " What do you see in him?" " That's my business!" "Otherwise, we'll leave much earlier than planned." "I got a call from London, and editor I've been after for months has agreed to meet with me." "I won't let myself miss it." "We're off tomorrow afternoon." "Lulu, just one question." "Do you love him as much as you did Lionel?" "So, you rugby gods." "Feeling well tonight?" "Oh yes." "You fouled it all up!" "No action, no balls..." "We won't be thrashed, it's Waterloo!" " Gloomy plain!" " But the ball..." "It needs to be brought to life!" "It has to fly!" "Pick up the pace!" "So, forwards, right down the middle, crash ball, clear out." "And behind, the backs." "Long double miss pass, hit the gap, find the outside, fix my man and side-step him." "It's not rocket science!" "The fly half needs be careful if he has two left hands..." "I swear the fly half always gets the blame!" "Lulu, will you watch us play?" "No, we're leaving tomorrow." "When you come back, if you ever do, you'll find just a hollow shell." "There'll be nothing left." "No furniture, no wallpaper." "Just a wobbly armchair where an old man, abandoned by everyone, will be pondering his golden days." "What talent!" "There's a solution to your problems, Adémar!" "Transform your castle into a "B  B"." "Bed and breakfast." "That's pretty clever." "It will liven things up a bit." "Transform the home of my ancestors into a brothel for drunk Brits?" "Never!" "Does the prospect of work frighten you?" "Don't speak to my father in that tone." "Sorry." "I'll let you eat as a family, my head is really aching." "Too much good wine, no doubt." "I bloody hate him!" "Oh my God." "Now, over to our third member of the evening with his testimony." "Hello, my name's Peter." "No, Peter, you have to speak French!" "Oh yeah, sorry." "Excuse me." "Evening, my name's Peter." "Hello Peter." "Well," "I haven't said anything about French people for three days." " What's going on?" " I founded this association." "It's quite hard..." "I started a society." "It's called "Francophobes Anonymous"." "We meet every week to give testimonies and help each other." "I don't go to the cafe or post office." "I don't go to social security, I don't drive." "I don't leave home." "Except at night of course." "In French, Peter." "I see you're doing better." "Doctor, you're here?" "I have to be." "Sometimes they snap and I have to give them a relaxant." "Darren, Magda." "Magda, Darren." "We're also part of Francophobes Anonymous." "I come from Cameroon, it could to happen to anyone." "I'm scared I'll snap." "A little Saint Julien from your year of birth, darling." "We could say it was an important year." "Better than your brother's year, too rainy." "Evening." "Lionel!" "Well, what a surprise." "I hope I'm not disturbing, the gate was open." "Not at all." "I brought you the poster." " You said as soon as possible." " Fantastic!" "You're so lovely, my son!" "You look so wild on this photo!" "It's getting late, children, there's training tomorrow." "Everyone to bed!" "Who said I wanted to go to bed?" "Dad..." "What's this cheap trap?" "Do you want me to leave?" "What's that book?" "You've done well out of your travels." "Why did you disappear?" "I don't know." "I panicked." "I hadn't got out there, I wanted to see the world." "It took thousands of miles of travelling to realise how much I loved you." "I knew just by looking at you." "This other guy..." "Do you really love him?" "I love him differently, and it's fine like that." "My mistake wasn't leaving." "It was leaving without you." "NO JOURNEY IS WORTH A BROKEN HEART." "LIONEL." "Would you like some Graves wine, it will make a change from beer." "No, I've drunk enough wine for the day." "He let me taste..." "Chateau Lafitte... 1947." "Where was that?" "In the wine cellar of your dreams." "The baron's cellar?" "But how?" "He never shows anyone." "It's his daughter I'm marrying." "He wasn't selling it by any chance?" "He'll die with his bottles at his side." "To the baron!" "You know he's the president of the Sauvadieu rugby club?" "Every year, we thrash them." "It's to be expected." "100% British, us." "Them?" "100% "froggy"." "To thrashing them!" "It's funny, your face tells me something." "You've never played rugby?" "No, I was more into football..." "Well then." "Is it Sauvadiou?" "No, it's a little cabécou cheese, very fresh." "Thanks." "Excuse me." "Thanks." "Hello, Soames?" "Yeah, Soames." "Hello?" "Shit." "What a kick!" "What do you think of that?" "Beginner's luck." "No way." "Did you have to tackle him so hard?" "A tackle is a tackle." "We have to take him to hospital." "Go get a stretcher." "There might be a solution..." " He isn't looking good." " No, over there." "Oh..." "Look." "No!" "Where were you?" "I was going crazy worrying." "With my countrymen, it did me good." "Dad, he could help us hugely if he accepts." "You want an Englishman to represent Sauvadieu?" "Never!" "I'd rather lose!" " Adémar?" " Yes." "Gargantua has disappeared." "I went to feed him this morning, he's nowhere to be found." "No way, something must have happened." "He never misses breakfast." "It's you, admit it!" "Admit it!" "You don't like that animal!" "Dad, you think my man kidnapped a pig?" "Since Agincourt, they've been capable of anything!" "Open your eyes!" "Help me." "We're leaving after lunch." "I hope something changes, I really wanted to get married here." "Ludivine!" "Yes, what?" "Gargantua's run away, I'm sure." "Your visit must have disturbed him, he's very possessive." "It would be good if you came and tried to talk to him." " To come and talk to him?" " Yes, it would reassure him." "Gargantua!" "Gargantua!" "Contrary to the beliefs of certain narrow-minded ecologists, our factory doesn't produce any harmful substances." "These ridiculous rumours about deformed, monstrous fish are totally unfounded." "Pig-fish!" "People have gone mad!" "My little Lulu, have a good journey." "Darren, it was a real pleasure." "See you very soon." "Feel at home here." "Dad's not coming to say goodbye?" " Let's go already!" " Adémar!" "Don't sulk now." "The kids are leaving." "Strange, he's not answering." "Dad?" " Dad?" " Adémar!" "Dad!" "Dad!" "Dad?" " Adémar!" " Wait, wait." "I'll give him mouth to mouth." "Stop, what are you doing?" "He's going to die!" "He'll die!" "ACT 4 SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?" "He's going to die without saying he loved me." "Gus, don't say things like that." "Lulu was his favourite." "That's not true, don't say that." "Don't say that, Auguste." "Joanna and I have decided to get married." "Oh, Joanna, Doctor, I'm so happy for you two!" " Isn't it wonderful?" " If I'd suspected..." "Hi everyone." "How is he?" "It's hard to say." "We'll run some tests and let you know." "He asked me to wish the couple a good journey back." "I won't return to London when my dad is dying." "I'll called Soames and tell him... we've had mechanical problems." "I'll find a way." "Why wouldn't you tell the truth?" "That you're staying for the woman you love because her father is dying." "You're very excitable." "I apologise, my wife denies me any so it's hard to control myself." "I'm going to give you a relaxant." "No, no injections, I'll reign it in." "I can't help myself." "Poor Dad." "He won't see this year's match." "How long will you stay?" "As long as I'm needed." "It's not your family, so if you want to leave," "I'll completely understand." "I have important business to attend to." "Fonce?" "You'll see him in a few days." "I was disappointed by your attitude at the hospital." "It's Lionel." "Hi Lionel." "We don't know yet." "No, not at all." "No I'm doing alright." "See you later." "Lionel's going to see Dad in hospital." "It's nice of him." "Indeed." " I'm staying." " You don't have to." "Mum, can you get the account books, you may have missed a detail." "Right away." "You know, I..." "I might have a buyer for the cellar." "The poor man, his cellar is his whole life." "What shall I do?" "What?" "What shall I do about the cellar?" "Sell it?" "It's worth a fortune, you'll never find someone before they seize it." "That's what we'll find out." "We'll see." "Here's my offer." "I'm going." "I hate losing time." "If you don't have the money, it's no big deal." "OK, how much?" "90,000?" "That's right." "It's worth three times that!" "There are ten bottles of Château Margaux '61... 80,000." "You'll acquire 63 bottles." "63 masterpieces, collected by the baron..." "He's right, darling." "He's right!" "I demand to see the bottles." ""No problemo", my friend." "But firstly," "I want to know the state of your bank account." "I'm paying cash." "What did the doctors say?" "Not much..." "In these kind of cases, they don't like to get too involved." "I'll stay a few days, just in case." "I'm scared." "It's the hospital, we have to go right now." "It's a shame!" "A scandal!" "You're taking advantage of my old age to humiliate me!" "It's vile!" "You're still very lively for a dying man." "Too lively for the nurses." " You fat pig." " It was a misunderstanding." "Oh my little girl, you stayed!" "I was sure..." "Give your father a hug, my child." "Don't tell me you were pretending!" "How could you think such a thing?" "Now..." "Stop this acting, Dad." "Did you lie?" "I exaggerated a little." "What did you expect?" "To go two years without seeing you at my age is an eternity!" "I was expected in London at an extremely important meeting." " Do you understand?" " Of course." "Ludivine!" "Don't just stand there, follow her!" " Sorry for the hassle." " He'll be the death of us all." "Cholesterol may be a little high." "Go easy on the Sauvadiou." " I'd rather die!" " I'll put you on a strict diet." " In every sense." " Take the straitjacket off!" "Not for another week or two..." "Welcome to paradise." "Château Lafitte... 1961." "Cheval Blanc... 1949." "Pétrus, 1982." "Come on, take it off of me!" "You swindler!" "Imaginary invalid!" "Fake!" "I'm calling Auguste." "I'm calling a family meeting!" "Adémar, how lovely to see you again." "Brevity is the soul of blackmail." "Stay out of it, will you?" "Dad, I'll never forgive you." "Ever." "Shall we go, darling?" "There's no rush." "I've cancelled my meeting." "But they're expecting me in London." "So go on, then!" "I keep telling you." "I have things to sort out here, anyway." " Don't you like France?" " France isn't the problem." "Did you know he was pretending?" "No!" " I swear I didn't." " I believe you." "I..." "Shit." "Do you feel bad about what you did?" "You know quite well why I did it." "If Darren was the right man," "I'd be the happiest father in the world." "But he's only thinking about the money." "What was Lionel thinking when he dumped her suddenly?" "She still loves him, it's blindingly obvious." "You don't care who I love, it's pure selfishness!" "You're right." "You're right." "I want to see you whenever I can, and see your kids run around the park." "So it's true, I'm acting only out of selfishness." "Stay out of my private life." "Darren might not be perfect." "But if Prince Charming suddenly takes off without notice he's not so charming anymore." "Understand?" "Your sentence..." "You'll have no wine, no Sauvadiou, and no cuddles until the match next Sunday, and then, only if Sauvadieu wins." "No!" "We haven't won a match for 30 years against Sauvagnac." "Who agrees?" "You'd better win the match on Sunday." "That's it." "Go home!" "Run like a thief, get out." "If I forget to give you this," "I really would be a thief." "What is it?" "It's called money." "You get it when you work." "You wouldn't understand." "I sold your bottles!" "There are 90,000 euros in there." "You're saved!" "You're joking!" "You didn't?" "You were dying, remember?" "Lulu gave me a carte blanche." "Who did you sell them to, you scoundrel?" "Who?" "To Tom Wilcox, the boss of the pub in Sauvagnac." "If you're acting, you're to stop immediately." "I don't believe it." "I want to see it with my own eyes." " My blood!" "My God!" " My God!" "They're all corked!" "The bastard!" "He sold us rubbish!" "It's not possible!" "Look at the evidence, it's the fifth bottle!" "The bastard!" "Get out!" "Get out, or I'll kill you!" "It's Gargantua!" "Oh Gargantua, where have you been, my baby?" "Daddy was worried, he was sad!" "He's lost weight." "Yes, but there's something funny there." "It looks like two letters." " Auguste, go get my rifle." " No, let him leave." "He'll do so without our blessing." " But Mum..." " What?" "It's not just your father who can act!" "Say something." "Just one word." "Bye." "See, we're back together!" "It's wonderful!" "ACT 5 WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS (?" ")" "Bye Peter." "Take care." "In French." "Please." "You're off?" "Yes." "For ever." "Lucky thing." "Before leaving, could you come to the post office with me?" " I'm too scared to go alone." " I'm in a rush, Peter." "Please?" "Okay." "I'll follow you." "Thank you so much." "Pete, Pete..." "Come on, Peter." "Queen and country, mate!" "No..." "You don't know what's on the inside." "Winston Churchill and James Bond are watching you." "I don't care." "Come on, now." "One, two, three..." "Rule Britannia!" "Did you get the stamp with Michel Drucker on it?" "It doesn't exist." "Sorry?" "I said, "It doesn't exist", Mrs Bourrepin." "It does, too!" "I saw it the other day in a magazine at the vet's." "I took Pitou because he has diarrhoea." "He's 15 years old, Pitou, he's really old now." "We're worried." "Do you like dogs?" " Thank you." " Next." "Hello, we're here for a packet." "Has he gone?" " He's gone to strike." " No, calm down." "The French don't strike all the time." "Sign there." "Thank you, sir." "Bye." "He was almost polite." "He could have insulted me or made a cutting remark..." "See, it's not so difficult!" "Thank God I've got my parcel!" "In French, my boy!" "What's in this precious parcel?" "Old English spicy mustard." "30 pots!" "It doesn't seem very heavy for mustard." "Peter Stuart." "I'm called Peter Stewart!" "Bloody French frog!" "Excuse us." "Can't you read?" "There's been a mistake with the packet." "You made a mistake, it's not mine." " Mine's the English mustard!" " Come back Monday, we're closed." "No, more like Tuesday." "Monday's a bank holiday." "Give me my mustard..." " You bastard!" " Peter!" " You bastard!" " Peter!" "My sister got off lightly." "You're a real hooligan." "Let me out of here right now, you fascists!" "He martyrs animals, empties wine cellars, beats up an honest man and wants to be released." "It's not true." "I was trying to stop it!" "Did you know your accomplice spent time in the psychiatric hospital?" "Look at the cruelty in his eyes." "I'm scared." "You're behind bars." "It'll be a miracle if you don't do time." "Say, sergeant." "There is one way out, isn't there?" " What way out, boss?" " Oh, I don't know, we could..." "We could put him on community work." "Or for our little community..." "What have you got in mind?" " Well perhaps..." "Tomorrow." " Yes." "There's a rugby match in Sauvadieu." "And they don't have a fly half..." "And sir here could do it." "Oh no..." "Oh yes." "A rugby team... is like the Foreign Legion." "It can consist of rogues, thieves, murderers of the worst kind, animal torturers," "Englishmen." "But no matter." "Rugby can ennoble the vilest and most abject being." "You're going to face Sauvagnac!" "The scum of human kind!" "It's the eternal battle between good and evil." "But remember, in the end, good will win out!" "Men!" "You're going to rip them apart for me!" "I hope you know what you're doing." "Yes, I do." " Is Ludivine coming?" " I have no idea." "Mum's not coming, she doesn't like seeing me get hit." "Go on lads!" "Traitor!" "I've seen him play rugby before!" "I'm sure of it!" "But where?" "Come on lads!" "Men, we maintain the spirit of rugby." "Virile, but correct." "One, two, three, four..." "Yes, that's right ladies." "Voluptuous, you're like panthers!" "Oh, Josette!" "Good!" "Darren!" "Darren!" "Are you okay?" "What's my name?" "Auguste." "And your lousy father is called Adémar!" "It's okay." "Crouch, touch, pause, engage!" "Go!" "Go!" "Go!" "Push forward, for God's sake!" "Avenge Joan of Arc!" "Oh, he's so typical!" "Come on lads!" "Let's go!" "Go on!" "Go on!" "Come on Sauvagnac!" "Go on!" "Let's go Momo!" "White, inside centre!" "Out!" " Captain?" " We'll take it." " Come on, come on!" " You're up, Brit." "Don't put pressure on him." "He's going to miss." "I know it." "He's going to miss!" "Go!" "I can't watch!" "My God." "I'm going to die." "I'm going to die!" "That's it!" "I know who he is!" "He's the butcher of Northpool!" "He's the butcher of Northpool!" "NORTHPOOL COLLEGE STADIUM" "I saw them at the bus stop!" "Like mother, like daughter." "That's what I say." "When will you get the stamp with Michel Drucker on it?" "What happened?" "Why are they shouting?" "We won!" "We won!" "We won!" "My boy, I'm proud of you!" "What an epic match!" "What a great idea it was to get the Brit out of jail." "Darren!" "I made you a promise." "I'm keeping it!" "I give you my daughter's hand!" "You deserve her!" "Are you sure?" " You won't change your mind?" " I'll do what I say!" "Give me a hug!" "My future son in law!" "Sorry!" "Sorry, but..." " I think it might be too late." " Too late?" "It's Ludivine." "She's leaving!" "She says she doesn't know when she'll be back!" "Does anyone know where she could have gone?" "Don't panic." "I have a good friend who's one of the best sleuths in the region." "We'll find her." "Wait." "Are you looking for Ludivine?" "She's gone." "She took the first bus." "To where?" "Mystery!" "You must like the fact that she left." "I do." "Because a girl like that doesn't marry an idiot like you." "Or like you." "Shit!" "He's broken my nose!" "So that mystery destination..." "Ask all you like, I won't tell you." "I prefer to keep out of it." "As I always say: the best man wins." "In rugby, you never kick a man while he's down." "But this isn't rugby." "No stop!" "I'll tell you!" "Périgueux." "Périgueux." "Thanks." "Good game." "Without him, you'd have lost." "What do you want?" "He's chosen his side." "Love is blind." "I've gained a son, but lost a daughter." " We need to go look for her." " Can we help you?" "We can't leave a rugby man in distress." "Good man." "Come on, let's go." "In fact, the first six bottles of Château Lafitte were corked." "But the seventh..." "Oh my God." " Will you leave me in peace?" " Never." "Lulu, I learnt French for you." "I left my island, I ate Sauvadiou." "I repaired a tractor, and drank a bottle of corked wine." "I won a rugby match." "Tell me honestly... what more could I do?" "It's not my business, but he's right..." "What more could he do?" "Good one, Dad." " Soames?" " Ah, Darren." "Darren, Darren." "Finally, good to talk to you." "I can't bear it when it gets too soppy." "EPILOGUE SATISFACTION" "Article 212: husband and wife must be faithful and helpful towards one another." "Hello?" "No, we're fully booked for the week." "The weekend after that?" "A double room?" "Duly noted, perfect." "See you soon." "Husband and wife ensure moral and material direction for the family," "Just a minute..." "Hello, Baron Adémar of Peyrac speaking." "The castle is closed today because it's the marriage of my daughter." "The castle will be open on Monday." "If you want to call again, you're welcome to." "I beg your pardon." "Article 213:" "They will provide for their children's education and future." "Article 214:" "If the spouses do not respect marital conventions, they contribute to their rights..." "Article 215..." "Yes, I can't talk right now." "You'll have the drawings by Monday." "I promise!" "Bye bye!" "It's the editor." "Article 215:" "Husband and wife will commit themselves to living together." "Lulu..." "My clients buy and visit castles and houses in Périgord on weekends too." "Silberston, Soames and Peyrac, hello?" "Let me get married, and I'll call you right back." "Well, now that business seems to be sorted, we can move on to the vows." "JUST WED" "THE FIN" "SUBTITLES:" "RED BEE MEDIA FRANCE"