"Coming up." "[ Man ] Regina!" "Regina!" "Hi!" "I love you, too!" "[ Man ] Regina!" "I´m gonna throw it off." "Ahh!" "I can´t believe I am this close to Regina Streep." "I mean, I have seen all of her movies." "What a talented actress!" "Just look at her lip gloss!" "[Jamaica ] Well, the girl ain´t all that anymore." "This is a TV movie." "Worse yet,Jamaica, it´s on basic cable." "The Wetness of Dreams, take one." "Action!" "Ooh!" "Halibut, Halibut... fear me not, Halibut." "I carry no hooks." "I hold no tartar sauce." "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "Uhh!" "Help!" "I think she needs help." "[ Choking ]" "[ Regina ] Help!" "Aah!" "Oh!" "Aah!" "[ Choking ]" "[ Gasps ]" "Uhh!" "[ Gasps ]" "[ Inhales And Exhales ]" "Oh!" "Hey, lifeguard... is that some driftwood in your pocket... or are you just happy to see me?" "Huh?" "Oh, that!" "No, that´s a piece of driftwood." "[ Announcer] Tonight´s episode" "[ Sproing ]" "[ Announcer] Guests of our show... receive "Son of the Beach, the Home Game."" "Please!" "This attempted murder... is just an isolated incident." "[ Shouting Questions ]" "Mr.Johnson..." "I´m Stevens, Miss Streep´s driver." "This was the third attempt on her life... this month." "Really?" "I didn´t know." "Thanks, Stu." "There´s only one star here today... and that´s the man who saved my life..." "Mr. Notch Johnson." "[ Shouting Questions ]" "Their mouth-to-mouth is turning into monkey business." "No, it´s not like that." "Notch saved her life, that´s all." "Yo, yo, yo, guys." "I have got to find a way to raise money... for Beaches in da Hood." "Jamaica, who are these beaches?" "It´s my foundation." "I talk to inner city kids... about what it´s like at the beach." "This year, I´m bringing postcards... and a bucket of sand." "So how can we raise money?" "We can´t do another car wash like last year." "Uhh!" "What a disaster!" "That car wash was a big, soapy bust." "Word." "There´s nothing between me and Notch... and I doubt very much that Notch is a bachelor." "A bachelor?" "[ Music Plays ]" "[ Applause ]" "Thank you." "I love Beaches in da Hood... because it makes much more sense... bringing the beach to the ghetto... than shoving all those folks up here." "Thank you." "We´ve got some terrific bachelors here tonight... and I know one I´ll be bidding on." "[ Audience Cheers ]" "B.J., do me a favor." "Whatever the mayor bids for me... outbid her!" "Chip, I don´t have any money." "Please." "Fine." "And now, our host for the evening... a great lifeguard... and a fine, hardworking... black African American person of color..." "Jamaica St. Croix." "[ Applause ]" "[Jamaica ] Thank you!" "Whoo!" "This evening is something..." "I´ve been looking forward to for years... cause, uh, it´s my chance... to sell some white people." "[ Laughter]" "Whoo!" "But seriously... our first bachelor... is someone we like to call... the Hunker from the Bunker..." "Mr. Chip Rommel." "[ Applause ]" "Chip´s likes include bodybuilding... cycling... and historical denial." "500 dollars." "[ Applause ] 600 dollars." "[ Applause ]" "Let´s finish this now." "One thousand dollars... and that´s my final bid." "[Jamaica ] Whoo wee!" "A thousand dollars, going once... going twice" "One thousand and one dollar." "Sold, to B.J. Cummings... for one thousand and one dollars!" "[ Applause ]" "Fine." "Take him... but if I find out you haven´t paid for him, B.J.... you´ll be down on your knees." "So." "And now for the man... you´ve all been waiting for..." "Mr. Notch Johnson!" "[ Applause ]" "Let´s start the bidding for Notch at" "I bid one hundred thousand dollars." "Huh?" "[ Shouts And Applause ]" "[ Announcer] Dateline, Hollywood." "Actress Regina Streep is back in the chips... with movie offers galore." "That is... since international playboy and lifeguard..." "Notch Johnson plucked the wet Regina... from the water." "I love the beach at dawn." "Stevens, wait for us in the car." "Regina... there have been other incidents, haven´t there?" "Maybe... but that was before you came into my life." "Now let´s talk about us." "Whoa." "Back off, Hollywood." "I´m not that easy." "Should have known." "Maybe another time." "Stevens, start the car." "[ Engine Starts ]" "Aah!" "Stevens!" "Not Stevens!" "Notch, someone´s trying to kill me." "I don´t want to die!" "Nobody´s going to die." "I´m going to be your bodyguard." "" Last night, in Malibu Adjacent... a man was blown... up." "No trace was found of Stevens... actress Regina Streep´s driver." "At the time, Miss Streep was with Notch Johnson... having hot sex."" "Oh, please." "Ha ha ha!" "Ha ha ha ha!" "What?" "What´s so funny?" "Kimberlee, you obviously have a crush on Notch." "Notch and Kimberlee sitting on the tree" "Kah-e-s-s-e-n-gay" "Ha ha ha ha ha!" "Guys, trust me." "I do not have a crush on Notch Johnson." "Yes, I had them all in tears." "You´d be very proud." "Come on." "And, um, are they making an offer?" "Back!" "But they liked me?" "They really liked me?" "Oh!" "That´s wonderful news, darling." "Ha ha ha!" "What?" "What is it?" "Did they find Stevens´ killer?" "No, but I´m being considered to play opposite Bruce Willis... in Die Hard 5!" "That´s terrific, but what about Stevens?" "Oh, God." "There I go again thinking about my career." "I´m so ashamed." "Notch, come inside." "I think I need to get away from it all." "[ Squawk ]" "I´ve got to get out of these clothes." "Regina, do you have any idea... who might be trying to kill you?" "I don´t know." "Stevens said there were notes." "I think they´re on the credenza." "The table." "What an idiot." "Who spells whore with a "W"?" "Notch." "I need something to take my mind off of it all." "You´re very beautiful." "Take me, lifeguard." "It´s not that simple, Hollywood." "Is there someone else?" "Her name was Mary." "We were very much in love." "Until that shark came along." "He could´ve gone for me... but instead he went for my beautiful..." "[ Sobs ] Mary." "[ Crying ]" "Why did the shark go after Mary?" "You see, Regina, sharks love blood... and what Mary didn´t tell me was... her friend was in town." "Her friend?" "Her Aunt Flo." "The red menace?" "Her feminine cycle." "[ Crying ]" "It was the worst period of my life." "Maybe I can help you forget." "That´s a pretty good start." "You don´t have my money for Beaches in da Hood?" " Uh-uh." " Uh-uh?" "Well, I did get 1 00 Gs from Regina." "All right." "You´re off the hook." "[ Sighs ]" "Like hell they are!" "Now, listen, you two." "You have six hours to pay St. Croix... and if you don´t... her new foundation will be called Beaches in the Prison." "Grr." "Boy,Jamaica..." "I´d hate to see someone stick you in the poky." "What is it?" "Got food for the lady." "That´s odd." "My lunch is usually made by Wolfgang Puck." "This is from some other restaurant." "Do you think it could be poison?" "Yeah, normally, Regina, I don´t believe in the testing on animals... but, uh, yeah, let´s see what happens." "Huh?" "This lunch tastes like crap." "This is poison." "Goddamn you." "Aah!" "That´s Stevens." "But I thought he was blown... up." "Someone tried to poison me... but thankfully, Notch Johnson... once again saved my life." "Can you tell us anything else about this incident?" "I think we´re about finished here." "Thanks for coming." "I want to be alone, darling." "Honey, anybody that wants to enter this trailer... will have to enter me first." "[ Reporter] Regina, excuse me!" "[ Shouting Questions ]" "Notch, we need to talk." " OK." " OK." "Who are you?" "I didn´t ask for my plants to be watered." "I didn´t think it was safe to be here." "Don´t worry." "I told that moron I wanted to be alone." "I couldn´t stand the thought of you with that idiot anymore." "You can´t imagine how disgusting it was." "During sex, he shouts his own name." "Regina, being here is risky." "Surely you didn´t call me up just to watch you drink." "Shut up and read." "Ah. "In addition to Regina Streep..." "AngelineJolie is also up for the lead... in Die Hard 5. "" "AngelineJolie is a hack!" "I´m a real star." "That part will put me back on top where I belong... once I get some much-needed publicity." "More publicity?" "It´ll be the story of the century." "Notch Johnson is going to die trying to save Regina Streep." "How´s he gonna die?" "You´re going to kill him... and make it look like an accident." "I won´t do it." "Yes, you will." "Chip, you were supposed to have the laundry done... an hour ago." "I´m sorry." "I´ve been trying to raise money... so I don´t have to go on that date... with the mayor." "But, Chip, all we have are these skimpy towels... and neither one of us is wearing any underwear." "OK, OK." "I´m hurrying." "All I have to do is add detergent." " [ Buzzes ] - [Jamaica ] It´s about time." "[ Gasps ]" "Chip, what happened to our suits?" "I must have put bleach in the washer by accident." "Now what´re we gonna do?" "Ugh." "Our shift starts in two minutes." "And we can´t go out there in these skimpy towels." "Neither one of us is wearing any underwear." "Stevens is alive?" "But the car exploded." "It sounds crazy, but I saw him." "He disguised himself as a food delivery man... by wearing a mask." "Hmm." "Look, I´m just sayin´ I think you should be careful." "What are people going to think?" "I just hope these suits don´t get us fired." "Wait, wait!" "I´ll tell Notch it was all my fault... right before my date with the mayor." "Excuse me, where did you get that bathing suit?" "Actually, it was an accident." "See, Chip here" "It´s so cool!" "I´ll give you $1 00 for it right now." "Hey, I love that suit." "I´ll give you 1 50." "Ooh, do I hear 200?" "[ Notch ] Yeah, I thought about joining the academy." "[ Sobbing ]" "Ugh!" "Regina, what´s wrong?" "It´s nothing." "I´m fine." "Hey, I´m your bodyguard, damn it." "Now, what´s the problem?" "I´m doing a dangerous stunt today... and I´m afraid the murderer´s going to kill me." "I don´t want to die." "[ Sobbing ]" "Just be careful." "I´ll do the stunt, Hollywood." "No, Notch." "I wouldn´t dream of it." "Nobody dies on my watch." "I´m doing the stunt!" "Oh, Chip." "I´m ready for my date... and by the looks of your shorts, you are, too." "Jamaica, here´s a check for $1 ,000." "Jamaica, why take a check for 1 ,000... when you could have 1 ,001 in cold cash?" "Chip, where did you get such a huge wad?" "Let´s just say we had a nice day at the bleach." "[ Laughing ]" "Tread water, Halibut." "I´m coming for you." "Cut!" "Oh, Regina, that was perfect." "Perfect, dear." "We got your close-up." "Is Notch here to do the real stunt?" "Indeed, I am!" "Just tell me where to land this thing." "Notch is ready!" "I´m ready to go!" "Fishermen are ready!" "OK, people, here we go." "Be careful, my darling." "I love you so much." "And... action!" "[ Director] Notch is in the air!" "The fishermen see him." "Regina sees the fishermen." "The fishermen aim their guns... and they fire!" "[ Gunshots ]" "Uhh!" "Aah!" "Oh, my God." "Notch has been shot." "Oh!" "Oh, he´s dead." "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God." "The killer replaced the blanks with real bullets." "[ Spitting ]" "Actually, I´m OK." "What?" "I mean, oh!" "Oh, thank heaven." "Excuse me, Regina." "How did you know those bullets were real?" "Well, I" "Regina... did you know that I have perfect breasts?" "Well, I do." "Firm, round, supple... easy on the eyes, and smooth to the touch." "Too bad they´re fake." "Unh!" "[ Gasps ]" "You´ll find those real bullets... that Regina knew about in there." "And... no doubt one of these fishermen is..." " Stevens!" " Hey!" "Oh." "Is" "Unh!" "Is..." "Stevens!" "It was her idea!" "I´m ready for my close-up, Mr. Scorsese." "Who are you talking to?" "Book her!" "Attempted Murder One." "Beautiful night, huh, Notch?" "Ah." "That moon sure is smiling´ at us." "Uh, Kimberlee, I-- I can´t thank you enough." "Oh, I´m a lifeguard." "It´s my job." "Well, it´s not every day... you fall in love with someone... only to find out she´s trying to kill you." "Don´t worry, you´ll find someone new." "I don´t know." "First Mary and now Regina." "Notch, you can´t be afraid." "You deserve a really great woman." "Well, uh, thanks for the advice." "Uh, Notch, you have another piece of driftwood in your shorts." "Huh?" "Yeah, driftwood." "I´ll, uh" "I´ll take care of that when I get home." "Well, good night."