"You all right, mate?" "Yeah, yeah." "Just keeping a low profile after last night." "Mate, that's upside down." " That doesn't matter." "I just don't want this lot knowing it was me taking my clothes off during the karaoke last night." "Oh, hello." "I didn't recognise you with your clothes on." "(GIRLS LAUGH)" "(MAN LAUGHS)" "Oh, man, they all know it was me!" "Incredible, and I thought your disguise was foolproof." "Mate, I've got an idea." "Really?" "Yeah, as we ain't getting busy with the ladies here, why don't we spread our legs a bit further?" " I'm sorry?" "Somebody told me that even though it's all-inclusive here, you are allowed to leave." "Really?" "Oh, well, they kept that one quiet!" "I know, they should have a sign." "Anyway, I was thinking, we're in Spain, let's get us some Spanish girls!" "I like it!" "A couple of seno-ritas?" "!" "Well, we don't know what their names are yet, obviously, but yeah." "Come on, let's bounce." "No, I'm terribly sorry, the property auction has been relocated." "You need the Hotel Casanova in the old town." "Bus is just across the road." "That's it, back the way you came." "Thank you, have a wonderful day." "Well, thanks a lot (!" ")" "I beg your pardon, Les?" "You could have told me the property auction had moved." "I nearly bust a gut this morning putting all them chairs out in the Hawaiian Function Room." "No, the auction is still here." "I don't understand." "I'm afraid that is what's known in the property business as a white lie." "I noticed they were carrying a brochure for a certain bijou villa in the Finestrat Hills my villa!" "I can't believe it." "I had a dream the other week I had a house and this was it!" "You're ganna buy a hoose?" "A horse?" "No, it doesn't have a horse." "Nah, man." "You're buying a hoose to live in." "Oh, a house!" " That's what I'm saying." "You really must try harder with the language, Les, at least with the Spanish staff." "I've got a phrase book... somewhere." "Excuse me, can you help me?" "Yes?" "There doesn't seem to be any free sunbeds." "You are just one person?" "Well, I've got a twin sister in Widnes if that's what you mean." "How many sunbeds do you want?" "Well, three would be nice." "I have both my children with me." "Although they'll probably be in and out of the pool all day." "You know what kids are like." "You can't tell people you're a vegetarian if you eat fish." "I can tell them I'm an astronaut if the mood takes me." "You're a pescetarian." " I haven't had a drink in 18 months." "Pescetarian means you eat fish and vegetables." "You can't tell people you're a vegetarian when you eat fish." "It's strange you keep saying that as if I'm actually listening." "Hey, hey." "You are making too much noise." "She started it." " No, you started it." "No, you started it." " No, you started it." "Hey!" "This is not a kindergarten for the people of the middle ages." "Middle ages?" " I think he means middle aged." "Middle aged?" "!" " How dare you?" "I'm nowhere near middle-aged." "Enough!" "Do not fight like children." "You are old." "I am keeping my eyes peeled on you." "Honestly, I can't take you two anywhere." "Oh, my God!" "I've been burgled!" "Eh?" " What's wrong?" "The salon, they've taken everything." "I feel violated." "Ooh!" " You've not been burgled." "I have!" "Go and look for yourself!" "I got rid of it all." " They've taken the mirrors, the chairs..." "You what?" "We're re-branding." "You've got rid of all my salon furniture?" "Don't worry, we've got new stuff coming this afternoon." "Are you taking the piss?" "You're in Spain." "It takes a fortnight for someone to answer the phone." "Re-branding, that's exciting!" "Well, it would be if I'd been consulted." "I'm giving the salon a new lease of life." "Blow 'n' Go does not need a new lease of life." "That's another thing, we need a new name." " What?" "Never!" "You can change my mirrors but you'll never change my name." "I like Blow 'n' Go, it's what we used to call the meet-and-greet at the Middlesbrough Swingers Association." "I'm paying the rent now, Kenneth." "I think I should have a say in it." "Oh, here we go." "That's what this boils down to - the dirty dollar!" "Or, as an alternative, you pay the rent, the electricity, the water, the rates, the wholesalers' bill and we'll stick with Blow 'n' Go." "I'm not happy about this!" "Could have fooled me!" "I've just got one thing to say... (SIGHS)" "We're still here." "Without wanting to sound too dramatic..." "I don't want to die on my own." "Right." "Was there anything else?" "What I mean is, I don't think I've got long left." "And I really would like to spend my final days surrounded by love and appreciation." "Where are you planning on going?" "Sheron!" " Oh, well, it's the same thing over and over again." "What's that?" "I tried to get separate insurance for this holiday." "I didn't want to be a burden to you." "Well, they asked me for a note from my doctor." "And that's what he gave me." "You need to be spending your money on getting drunk and straw donkeys, not flying a body bag back to t'UK." "Is this real?" "I'm afraid so." "(READS) To whom it may concern, as Mr Edward Dawson's GP, I have no hesitation in recommending the above named is not only unsuitable to fly but with a heart condition such as his, any strenuous activity or unnecessary stress" "may result in irreparable damage... or worse." "Ooh!" "I'll go and get us some drinks." "I'll go." "God help you if this is isn't true." "Good day to you, ladies and gentlemen." "My name is Evelyn Pyke." "I'll be your auctioneer today." "We've a fair amount of lots to get through, so let's start with this little gem, a very agreeable modern villa in the Polop Valley." "Who'll start me at 100?" "100, thank you." "Do I hear 110?" "You got your eye on anything special?" "Well, I must say, the auctioneer has a certain dignified air about him." "I meant the auction." "Oh, I do beg your pardon." "I'm sorry, I thought you meant..." "No." "Well, yes, but I'd rather not discuss it if it's all the same to you." "I understand." "You keep your cards close to your chest, yes?" "Exactly." "Hmm." "Lucky cards." "That's what I say!" "Any more anywhere?" "170, madam, against you..." "People call me Mr Wu." "Yes, I can see why, quite the charmer." "No." "Not 'Woo', double 'O'." "'Wu' with a 'U'." "You know, after Mr Wu Chinese Buffet, near the beach." "Oh!" "You're Mr Wu?" " Exactly." "Oh, I see." "Oh, right." "Nice to meet you, Mr Wu." "I'm Joyce Temple-Savage, manageress of The Solana." "Pleased to meet you, Joyce." "Tell me, are you a virgin?" "You're joking." "I've been around the block more times than a lost jogger." "Auction virgin." "It look like your first time." "Oh!" "Yes, it is." "I haven't got a clue what's going on." "This is the property you're interested in?" "Oh, yes, it's just a small finca in the Finestrat Hills." "It doesn't look much but I feel it's got huge potential." "What do you think?" "Wow, guide price of 80,000-100,000." "That is cheap as Chinese chips." "Well, I have quite a limited budget." "Do you think it will go higher than 100,000?" "In a word, no." "Oh, wonderful." "Unless somebody else want it as well, then, in another word, yes." "Thank you, madam." "Any more?" "140..." "Well, it's nice to know I'm sitting with an expert." "140?" "(HARD ROCK MUSIC)" "Here you go, this is it." " It looks a bit rough." "I came here a couple of years ago with a mate." "The Spanish girls in there are fit!" "Well, I suppose we ain't got much competition." "Look at the blokes." "Exactly!" "Come on, amigo!" "Oh, can I choose my own name?" "Eh?" " It's just I don't really like the name Migo." "Can I be called Dogtanian from Dogtanian and the Muskehounds?" "Mate, what are you talking about?" "I thought we had to have Spanish names?" " No." "Come on." "Can I still be called Dogtanian?" " No!" "MEN:" "Oggie, oggie, oggie!" "Oi, oi, oi!" "Considering we're in Spain, does it not bother you that there is nothing remotely Spanish about this holiday?" "Well, we've got the Spanish sun." "That's the same sun we get in the UK." "No, it's not, it's hotter." "But the sun is not Spanish." "Well, why do they call it the Spanish sun?" "Because it's in Spain." "Well, there you are, it must be Spanish, then." "But your shoes are in Spain, it doesn't make them Spanish." "Yes, it does." " No, it doesn't." "Your shoes are not Spanish by virtue of them being in Spain." "I know they're not." "They're Spanish because I bought them at the indoor market last year." "Hey, hey!" "One-nil!" "I don't believe it." " It's true." "I nipped out for half an hour while you got rubella." "I've been sacked." "How can you be sacked?" "You don't have a job." "Email from Barry Stent." "Who's Barry Stent?" "Well, if you shut up, I'll to tell you about it!" "There's no need to bite my head off." "How can anyone sack you from a job you don't have?" "Well, if you all listen to me, you'll find out." "Was it these shoes I got here?" "Or am I thinking of those jelly sandals?" "Mother!" "(READS) Dear Mr Maltby, we have finally amassed adequate information regarding the alleged predetermined results of last month's inter-county pub quiz final." "It is our duty to inform you that forensic evidence has led to only one possible transgressor - you." "From this day henceforth, you are relieved of all your official duties and stripped of your Oracle status." "Please find our full and in-depth investigation attached." "Be aware, there is no recourse and this decision is final and binding." "It was these shoes I got here because I got a bag to match." "Will you shut up about your bloody shoes?" "!" "I've been accused of match rigging!" "There's a trip to a bull fight but it says here on Trip Advisor, it's just a front to try and sell juice extractors." "What is the point of talking to either of you?" "I once went on a free trip from here where they showed you how to fold a Spanish blanket." "That all right?" "Ah!" "That's smashing." "Thanks, son." "Would you prefer a pillow?" "(Try it over his face.)" "Huh?" " Nothing, love!" "It's grand." "Thanks, son." "Why would Grandad want the pillow over his fa" "Jodie!" "Do you want to play on my phone?" "Can I?" " Yeah, here you are." "And next, ladies and gentlemen, we have lot 14." "A delightful finca in the Finestrat area with enormous potential." "Shall we open the bidding at 80,000?" "Hey!" "What you think you doing?" "!" "Well, if I don't bid, I can't get it." "Wait." "Price not quite right..." "Come, come, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to sell." "OK, somebody start me at 70,000." "Price not quite right." "60,000?" "Price not quite right." "OK, you're a tough crowd but I like you, so let's get the ball rolling at 50,000 euros." "50,000, here!" "50,000, thank you, sir." "Do I hear 55,000?" "What on earth are you doing?" "!" " Price is right!" "55,000 anywhere?" " You don't want to buy this!" "If there is a profit, Mr Wu interested!" "Going once at 50,000." "This is no money at all." "70,000!" " 70,000!" "That's the spirit, madam!" "Do I hear 75,000?" "What you doing?" "We supposed to go up in fives." "This is MY dream house." "You're not having it." "Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Joyce, and leave this to the professionals." " 80,000!" "OK, now you bidding against yourself." "The bid is already with you, madam, at 70,000." "Do I hear 80,000?" "80,000!" " 90,000!" "100,000!" "OK, price too high now." "100,000 euros." "Do I hear 110,000?" "I've only got a mortgage for 100,000!" "No?" "Fair warning." "I am selling at 100,000 to the lady on the gold mobility scooter." "Going once, going twice, and sold!" "Number, please?" "Thank you, madam." "And moving on to lot 15, the restaurant in Finestrat is withdrawn, so we come to lot 16." "Withdrawn?" "You got to be joking!" "That's what I came to bid on!" "Good, I'm glad!" "And I, for one, will never touch your pork balls again." "I hope you're happy!" "Delighted!" "Mate, do you know your wifi's down again?" "You hum it and I'll play it, son!" "What?" " It's a joke." "Yeah, it is a joke." "The brochure says there's wifi in all public areas." "No, what I mean is" "You need wifi, mate?" " Yeah." "Do you mind?" " Be my guest." "I try and stay clear of computers myself." "Very wise." "Yeah." "I did a bit of internet dating a few year ago but..." "Well, let's just say it didn't work out." "(TO CUSTOMER) Yes, pet?" "There you go." "Most of these surrounding hotels' wifi are pretty easy to crack, so..." " Oh, nice one." "No worries." "Listen, you've got a bit of a time delay on your keyboard." "Yeah, it's been doing that for months." "I think it's just a bit old." " No, mate, I don't think so." "I reckon you downloaded some nasty malware somewhere along the line." "You've got to be joking!" "I knew it!" "You get most of them off those so-called free porn sites." "Uh..." "Nah, nah, it won't be that." "This is strictly a work laptop." "Want me to have a look?" "Er... no, I think it'll be all right." "Well, if you can afford a new laptop." "What?" "It'll only get worse." " Really?" "Would you mind having a look?" "Not at all." "It'll give me something to do." "There's only so much swimming and sunbathing you can do in a day." "Listen, I'm not the only person to use the laptop so..." "You know, it's not all my stuff on it..." " Don't worry, mate." "I clean my grandad's hard disk from time to time and I do that with rubber gloves and a surgical mask." "Do you?" " No, it's a joke." "I'll give you a shout when I'm done." "Yeah, cheers." "Large vodka and coke, please." "Very large." " LES:" "Nae bother." "Well, I think it's exciting, a fresh start." "What was wrong with the old mirrors?" "These are terrible, they're all wonky." "Look at this one, I look enormous in it." "Maybe because they're a bit smaller, you just fill it out a bit more." "He's a control freak, that's what it is." "No, I just don't see this working, I much prefer being my own boss." "But now you have to pay rent on the salon and all the bills, if you go it alone without Troy's backing," "I'm not being funny, you might actually have to do some work." "Oh, damn you and your logic." "(DOOR OPENS)" " Where are the workmen?" "They went for their siesta." "Welcome to Spain." "We'll soon see about that, the amount I'm paying 'em." "Have you been shopping?" "New uniforms." "What?" "Black trousers... and black silk shirt." "Very chic." "Black trousers and black shirt?" "I'm a hair dresser, not a frigging mime act." "We've got to bring this salon into the 21st century." "Talking of which, how about Hair by Troy?" "For the new name?" " Right, I'm off." "Hang on, I'm not finished." " Well, I am." "I'm finished with your shite mirrors, rubbish name and crappy uniforms." "Good luck with your business venture." "Without me, you'll need it!" "Oh, mate, you gotta go through there." "What?" "Are the loos really nice?" "No, I mean the girls." "They're a different breed out here." " Really?" "I thought you were getting the drinks in?" "I tried to order but it didn't go very well." " What do you mean?" "This is the one!" "He call me a dog, then asked for a threesome." "What?" " I didn't, I didn't!" "I asked for..." "Hang on a minute." "Oh, my God!" "I'll start again." "Bonjour, gee mapelle Joey." "Look, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, we're going." "Detenerlos!" "Back inside!" "You are just in time for Happy Hour." "He doesn't look very happy to me." " Shut up!" "It's so lovely to see you, Mrs Harvey." "We thought we'd seen the last of you." "Oh, no, Benidorm's difficult to get out of your system." "It's very much the whooping cough of the travel world." "Nicely put." "Very strong tea." "Did you remember the brandy?" "That's what I meant by 'very strong'." "Good lass." "This is Mrs Harvey, Amber." "One of our old regulars." "'Ey, 'ey, 'ey, not so much of the 'old'." "Mrs Harvey and her family moved to America last year." "Yeah, Las Vegas." "Oh, that's sounds exciting, I've always wanted to go to Vegas." "We've got some business interests out there." "A hotel, actually." " Oh, right." "How are things there, Mrs Harvey?" "Oh, it's all very complicated, Les." "It's taken almost a year to sort out the business side of things." "So, you all thought you'd come to Benidorm for a break?" "Oh, no." "I'm here on my own." "They think I'm in the UK, they don't know I've popped over here." "To buy my grandson a holiday home for his birthday." "He absolutely loves it here." "And then that one sitting down got the winning bid." "That is Mrs Harvey." "You do not remember?" "Last year with the crazy little oompy-loompy person in the white hat?" "He told her she was a squillionaire." "Only two types of people come to Benidorm, those who never come again and those who never want to leave." "Erm... excuse me, I hope I'm not interrupting." "No, you're not." "Piss off." "Well, if there's anything you need while you're here, Mrs H, you just let us know." "And give us a shout if you want that tea a bit stronger." "Thanks, love." "I am Mr Wu from Mr Wu Chinese Buffet." "I couldn't give a frig if you put the Fanny in Fanny Cradock." "You know, there is an old Chinese saying - the sleeping cat should not ignore the rat pulling at its tail." "What you put in your fried rice is your own affair." "I will buy the finca you just bought in the auction for 5,000 more than you paid for it." "It's not for sale." "10,000 more." "Are you still here?" "15,000 more!" "If you don't fuck off," "I'll shove this electric cig so far up your arse, you'll light up like a Chinese lantern." "The restaurant he was bidding on was in the next lot, but it was withdrawn." "No wonder he's interested in Mrs Harvey's property." "He's probably already spent a fortune on a license." "What license?" " To open a restaurant." "Yes, this is correct." "One time, I look into this restaurant license." "Madre mia!" "So much money!" "And when you buy, is only for one Pacific area." "Is it, now?" "Any chance of anybody doing some work today?" "I don't see how they can stop other people calling you The Oracle." "I mean, apart from Geoff, that's your name." "If I were you, I'd be more worried about the other names people call you." " Oh, yeah?" "And what about the names they call you?" "All right, let's have no squabbling." "I knew it was a bad idea, you being on spirits during the day." "And what about her?" " I haven't had a drink for 18 months." "And, God, don't we know about it!" "It's the money I've saved from not drinking that's paid for this holiday." "And what did you do with the other four million quid?" "I thought you went to get your twin top?" "My laptop?" " That's it." "That lad over there is having a look at it for me." "That young boy?" "He's still wet behind the ears." "He won't be after trawling through HIS internet history." "You know what?" "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you were actually a nicer person when you were still drinking." "Oh!" "Don't listen to him, Pauline." "Can you honestly say you miss that thick-headed, dizzy feeling of staggering around laughing and not giving a damn?" "No, I thought not." "(INHALES)" "Son, I've been thinking." "Yeah?" "When we get home, I'm going to look at sheltered accommodation." "What do you mean?" " I'm not a well man." "I don't want you having the burden of being saddled with me if..." "If what?" " Well, if summat happens to me." "But that's why you're moving in." "In't it, Sheron?" "So we can keep an eye on you." "Yeah." "Yeah." "That's why you're moving in." "So we can keep an eye on you." "You can have my room, Grandad." "I'll sleep in Jodie's play room." "Really, son?" "Yeah, no problem." "That's settled." "It would seem so." "Sheron, I don't know how else to apologise for making our Jodie scared of water." "She's fine now, in't she?" "Yeah, she's fine." "Mate, we don't want any trouble, we just want to go." "How many times do you want me to apologise?" "Do you know how many times I catch British pigs staring at Catalina's breasts?" "It must be loads." "They are huge." "What Joey means is you're a very lucky man." "Catalina is my sister." "It obviously runs in the family." "Meep, meep!" "Sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood." "Welcome to Spanish Happy Hour." "Each shot of whiskey is ten euros." "First man to fall pays for all of the drinks." "Ten euros a shot?" "That is, like, well expensive." "I'm amazed you're so busy." " Shut up, Joey." "OK, but I'm going to have to do it." "My mate doesn't drink." "He does now." "But if Joey has no money," "I am sure I can find other ways to make him pay." "Meep, meep." "Oh, don't, geez, I'm ticklish!" "Mate, be careful, I think he likes you." "I like him too, he's funny." "No, when I say he likes you, I kind of mean..." "How can I put it without getting too romantic?" "He'd quite like to bum you." "Mate, don't be ridiculous." "He's a big hairy biker dressed in black leather." "What's gay about that?" "This is Roberto." "He drinks all day and he drinks all night." "He is known as El Barril Sin Fondo." "You say the barrel without a bottom." "(CHUCKLES)" "I think you're gonna be the one who wished he didn't have a bottom." "You've got five minutes, Wu." "Time is money." "Mrs Harvey, I didn't know if you would come." "I assume you're upping your offer?" "Please, let us relax, have Chinese tea." "We have a proverb in my country, which say," "'The monkey who eat the banana without peeling the skin is like the man who walk through his neighbour's melon patch without stopping to tie his shoelace.'" "Did you used to write the clues for 3-2-1?" "What?" "It must be the Chinese Year of the Bull because I've never heard so much shit in my entire life." "Look, let's get down to business." "I'm not here on holiday." "Oh, you live in Benidorm?" "If you must know, I've been based in Las Vegas for the last year, where I have interests in several hotels." "Oh, you like Donald Trump." "Without the combover!" "My business partners and I are now looking to expand in Europe." "You wanna be a Spanish Trump?" "We got Chinese cabbage on the menu." "We get a lot of those in here!" "Spanish Trump!" "Are you gonna up your offer on my finca or just sit there giggling like a 12-year-old?" "OK, yes, I have new offer for you." "I finca you're gonna like this!" "Right." "Piss off." "You had your chance." "Ah!" "Wait, wait, wait..." "OK, last offer of Mr Wu was 115,000 euro." "I'm listening." "New offer." "116,000." "I'm obviously wasting my time here." "Wait, wait... 118,000." "120,000." "121,000." "122,000!" "OK, lady, I not being funny but why are you being a complete bitch?" "Why do you want to pay 122,000 euros for a shit-tip of a house that's worth no more than 80,000?" "125,000 euro." "Wait!" "Wait!" "I got an extension on my mortgage!" "What the bloody hell do you want?" "!" "Mrs Harvey, I can pay you 150,000." "I am begging you!" "Mrs Harvey, I want that house!" "150,000?" "Yes!" "Wait!" "160,000 euro." "Final offer." "What?" "!" "No!" "I've only got 150,000." "Mrs Harvey, please!" "Sold, to the highest bidder." "No-o-o-o!" "Sorry, love, business is business." "A-a-a-a-a-argh!" "ALL:" "Roberto!" "Roberto!" "Roberto!" "Roberto!" "(CHEERING)" "Come on, Joey, you can do it!" "Here he goes!" "Get ready to pay your bill, little boys!" "Yes!" "Come on!" "En-ger-land!" "En-ger-land!" "En-ger-land!" "En-ger-land!" "En-ger-land!" "En-ger..." "Catalina!" "Otra botella!" "(CHEERING)" "Mate, we gotta get you out of here before you die of alcoholic poisoning." "Come here..." " What?" " Come here." "I'm faking it." " What?" "!" "I'm faking it, bruv, I'm stone cold sober." "Bruv, how the frickin' hell have you done that?" "I've never seen you drink once in all the time I've known you." "Exactly, I don't drink cos it doesn't affect me." " What?" "Straight up!" "Oh, my days!" "You are gold!" "(ALL CHEER)" "Now we get serious." "Doubles!" "Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute, why don't we get really serious?" "Not doubles, not triples but..." "What comes after triples?" "Mate, you're asking the wrong person." "Quadrangles!" "♪ MOTORHEAD:" "Ace Of Spades" "♪ If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man" "♪ You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me" "♪ The pleasure is to play, it makes no difference what you say" "♪ I don't share your greed, the only card I need is" "♪ The ace of spades, the ace of spades" "♪ Playing for the high one, dancing with the devil" "♪ Going with the flow, it's all a game to me" "♪ Seven or eleven, snake eyes watching you" "Hee-hee!" "♪ .." "Double stake or split, the ace of spades... ♪" "Yes, come on!" "Roberto." "♪ You know I'm born to lose and gambling's for fools" "♪ But that's the way I like it, baby, I don't wanna live for ever!" "♪" "(GLASS SMASHES)" " Whoo-hoo!" "♪ MICHAEL JACKSON:" "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" "Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah!" "Oh, yeah!" "Apaga la musica!" "They have been cheating!" "He is not drunk at all." "No, we didn't cheat, he's just really good at drinking, honest!" "Now you have to pay for drinks for everyone for the rest of the night." "And you, you, my little friend, come to the basement to show me some of those pretty dance moves." "Oh, my God!" " What's going on, bruv?" "It's happening!" "It is happening!" "What's happening?" "I thought you said alcohol doesn't affect you." "I don't get drunk but it affects me in other ways." "What other ways?" "!" "It gives me really, really bad..." "Really bad what?" "(FARTS)" "(FART CONTINUES)" "(SHORT FART)" "Oh, my days." "M-m-mate, that-that is really bad." "Oh!" "I can hardly breathe." "Oh!" "Oh!" "(ALL RETCH)" "Oh, my nose!" "Oh, my nose is on fire!" "Come on, mate, let's run for it!" "(FARTS)" "♪ MICHAEL JACKSON:" "Bad" "Here y'are, Dad." "I want you to take two of these." "What are they?" " Sleeping tablets." "Oh, aye, knock the old man out while you head off into town, is that it?" "What?" "Into Benidorm?" "Why would we do that when the drinks are all paid for here?" "Come on, come on." " Oh, no." "Come on!" "I'm wasting valuable supping time here!" "Right, any problems, give us two rings." "I mean, I won't actually answer the phone because it costs money, but I'll be straight up them stairs." "Well, not the stairs, the lift, but you know what I mean." "Aw, bless." "♪ Under The Moon Of Love" "The auction house has been informed." "New papers will be available in your name tomorrow morning." "I can assure Mrs Harvey if we ever do business together again... watch out." "Next time, Mr Wu gonna win." "Bring it on." "It's true what they say." "When you finish one Chinese, it's never too long before you're hungry for another." "♪ You look so lovely... ♪" "If anybody asks, you haven't seen me." "Who said that?" " Very funny." "♪ Your eyes shine so brightly" "♪ Under the moon of love... ♪" "Mate, are you sure you're safe?" "Yeah, man." "I can't keep going outside every time I've gotta drop the F-bomb." "I'm gonna be cream crackered." "I can't believe you're still blowing off." "How long does it usually last?" "I dunno." "Last time I had alcohol was on my sister's 18th birthday." "About 20 of us about packed into one of those little karaoke booths." "Oh, my God." " Yeah." "I just felt sorry for the waitress that found us all." "Lying there." "♪ Under the moon of love... ♪" "I feel terrible, I told my dad we'd be in Neptune's." "And if he needs anything, Rob's got your mobile." "Stop worrying." "What if he can't get through?" " I've got my phone." "Billy, for God's sake, your father's coming to live with us." "Can we just enjoy the time we've got?" "(LADIES SQUEAL)" "Are you still following us?" "!" "(LAUGHS)" "Two, three, four, five, six, up the ladder and lucky five to win." "Do you mind?" "Other people have to touch that." "Not any more, they don't!" "One, two, three, four, five." "Champion-es!" "Champion-es!" "The crowd went wild!" "Muchas gracias!" "Mwah!" "Muchas gracias!" "Mwah!" "Well, that's me." "I'm done in." "Same time tomorrow night?" "I'm afraid not, Mother." "Another four-hour snakes and ladders session and I fear I may explode with excitement." "Yeah, and I get my laptop back tomorrow, so as thrilling as it was to hammer you both into the ground, it was a one night stand, ladies." "Right, let's get this lot cleared up." "No, it's all right, I'll do it." "I need to give a good mop as well." "There's more filth in here than in Geoff's hard drive." " Ha-ha (!" ")" "Right." "Well, nighty-nighty." "Pyjama, pyjama." "Buenas noches." "Night." "♪ PETERS  LEE:" "Welcome Home" "♪ I'm so alone, my love, without you" "♪ You're part of everything I do" "♪ When you come back" "♪ And you're beside me" "♪ These are the words I'll sing to you" "♪ Welcome home" "♪ Welcome" "♪ Come on in" "♪ And close the door... ♪" "Oh, don't worry, he'll show up sooner or later, full of regret about what he said." "I think you were right with sooner and he looks full of something but it's not regrets." "Right, I just want to say that I do not give a Chinese shite that neither of you two have been answering your texts." "I mean my texts." "Cos I am going... to..." "Where am I going?" "Oh, yeah!" "Madrid!" "Yes!" "I'm going to Madrid!" "To work with Liam." "A real friend." "A true friend, he's my friend!" "Just as soon as he answers my texts to say that it's all right..." "I am going." "I didn't get a text off you." "Neither did I." "Lies!" "Kenneth, sit down." "Look." "Every one of my texts none of them have sent." "I must have run out of credit." "Kenneth, Troy's got something to say." "Kenneth, I was wrong." "Oh, don't you try to wriggle out of it cos I know what you're trying to do." "And it won't work." "I would rather be on the street..." "prostitute." "I think you mean destitute." "I know what I mean!" "What did you say?" "I said destitute." " No, before that." "Oh." "Well, I said I was wrong..." "Kenneth, I'm sorry." "I've tried to wade in with my chequebook and take over the salon." "Your salon, Blow 'n' Go." "And that was wrong of me." "Your style and character is amazing and it's something I wouldn't want to change." "And I think... our friendship is amazing." "It's something I wouldn't want to lose." "So let's just start afresh tomorrow, new beginning." "What do you say?" "(SNORES)" "Same again?" " Same again." "♪ In July, in July... ♪" "So..." "I believe congratulations are in order?" "They certainly are." "Between us, we managed to get Mr Wu up to 160,000!" "By my calculations, that makes your cut 15,000." "Cash tomorrow morning do you?" "Oh!" "That would be wonderful!" "I've got to say, when you burst into that office, even I thought you wanted that house." "Well, acting does run in the family." "My father was very close to Sir Laurence Olivier during his famed production of Richard III." "Your father was an actor?" "Not an actor." "He was Larry's dresser, 1944 to '45." "Not quite so glamourous." "You can say that again." "He spent most of that season stuffing his hump." "Mrs Harvey?" " Oh, oh!" "Oh!" "I shouldn't really, I mean, on duty." "But some things are worth celebrating!" "And no hard feelings about you losing your dream house?" "With 15 grand in my pocket, I'm happy to have another dream!" "Plus, the longer I wait, the cheaper property seems to get here at the moment." "Yes, so I'd heard." "I think I might be back here sooner than I thought." "Oh, that were gorgeous." "I love a bit of steak." " Yeah." "Lean and tasty, like someone else I know." "Sorry, love, what did you say?" "Are you all right?" " Yeah, yeah, no, I'm fine." "Sorry, I was just seeing if my dad had rang." "You've been checking your phone all night." "Shall we just go back?" "What, and ruin our big night out?" "No fear." "Billy, we both know Eddie does my head in." "But I don't hate him." "He's your father and he's our family." "He just looked so frail in bed tonight." "He's always been there for me." "I don't wanna lose him." "Come on, let's go back." "(CHEERING)" "(LASCMOUS LAUGHTER)" "Whoo-hoo-hoo!" "Whoa!" "Yee-haw!"