"(Shower running)" "(Man) # This is a man's world" "# This is a man's world" "# But it would be nothing without a woman or a girl... #" "Ready or not, here comes mama." "# And where is the body?" "# And where is the body?" "# Move over mother" "# Cos I'm going faster than you can drive" "# The body beautiful" "# Oh, you are too many things" "# To die for" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Aah # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh # Body beautiful" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Aah # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# I am body beautiful # Beautiful" "# My cha-cha pumps" "# I've got them on" "# I work the runway # Left-right-left-right" "# All night long # You'd better walk" "# I am the one" "# There is no other I am mother" "# I am body beautiful" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Body beautiful" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# I am body beautiful" "# I am grand # Grand diva" "# I am the queen # Queen Bee" "# A masquerade # Who am I?" "# I'm fantasy # You're fantasy" "# I am the house # The whole mansion" "# Of elegance" "# Featuring I am body beautiful" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Oh!" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Uh-oh!" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh" "# Ooh!" "# Body beautiful" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Ooh" "# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Ah... #" "(Man shouting, bottle smashes)" " Don't throw your mother at me!" " (Man) Get out!" "(Cheering and shouting)" "I'm gonna make my lips even more bee-stung." "I'm taking my face to Sweden to win the Nobel Peace Prize." "Ain't nobody here tonight winning Miss Congeniality." " (Knocking at door) - (Man) Ladies, five minutes." "(Groaning and muttering)" "(Announcer) New York City!" "Pay your hometown girls some homage!" "Your drag-queen pageant finalists!" " Miss Sheena Riviera." " (Crowd cheering)" "Miss Missy!" "Cateria Raez!" "Cappuccino Commotion!" "Vida Boheme!" "Noxeema Jackson!" "Señorita Chi Chi!" "#... and the lady is mine" "# Mine, all mine, oh # Well, she's never in the way" "# Always something nice to say Oh, what a blessing" "# What a blessing" "# I can leave her on her own" "# She's OK alone and there's no messing" "# No messing" "# She's a lady" "# Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady" "# Talkin' about that little lady" "# And the lady is mine" "# Mine, all mine, oh" "# Well, she never asks very much and I don't refuse her" "# Always treat her with respect I never would abuse her" "# What she's got is hard to find and I don't want to lose her" "# Help me build a mountain from a little pile of clay" "# She's a lady" "# Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's a lady" "# Talkin' about the little lady" "# And the lady is mine #" "Hello, hello, hello!" "Good evening." "And here to present this year's Drag Queen Of The Year... last year's winner." "Put your hands together for" "Miss Rachel Tensions!" "(# Fanfare)" "Hello!" "Oh!" "Oh!" "What can I say?" "My heart is full." " (Man) I love you!" " Oh, thank you." "(Man) Mama!" "Well, well." "Here we all are again." "Another year flies by and it's time to crown a new Drag Queen Of The Year." "(Cheering)" "Proof that in New York City a thing of beauty is a joy for exactly 12 months." "(Laughter)" "May I have the envelope, please?" "(Cheering and wolf whistles)" "Mmm-mmm." "I don't know who he is but if there's a snowstorm tonight, he's going on my tyres." "(Cheers and whistles)" "The winner of the Drag Queen Of The Year will receive an all-expense-paid, round-trip ticket to Hollywood, California!" "(Cheering)" "Where she can compete in the Drag Queen Of America contest." "I'm so excited I could just spit." "And the winner is..." "We have a tie!" " Tie?" "What's she mean, tie?" " Oh, my God." " And the winners are..." " Me Miss Noxeema Jackson and Miss Vida Boheme!" "Work the runway, work it!" "To the future, diva women!" "(Rachel) Come, come." "(Rachel) Now, go and scandalise this country, girlfriends." "This land was made for you and her." "(# Tchaikovsky: 1812 Overture)" "Us in Hollywood?" "This is total glam." "I just hope nobody mistakes us for the Gabors." " We'll be seen at the China Bowl." " We will induce envy and rage." "Look." "That little Latin boy in drag is crying." "Find out why that little Latin boy in drag is crying." "Little Latin boy in drag, why are you crying?" "Cos..." "It's just cos the two of you are so pretty, you know?" " That's all?" " Of course we're pretty but why are you crying?" "Maybe she just found out Menudo broke up." "Now, little one, what is your name?" "It's Chi Chi." "Chi Chi Rodriguez." " What's with the waterworks?" " I wanted to win this so much because I never won nothing." "Every time that I do something," "I get it wrong and somebody's always laughing at me." "But maybe I'll meet somebody nice who will rescue me, instead of old men with their greasy bellies and their money and their... (Grunting) ...and leaving when the time is up." "But, no, I'm a loser." "That's why." "I'm a loser." "I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything!" "Listen, listen." "You are a winner." "You look like..." "Well, you are a winner and..." " Don't be looking at me." " Noxeema!" "Don't be giving me that bleeding-heart Sally Struthers look." "Chi Chi, you just sit right here." "I am going upstairs to have a talk with Miss Noxeema." " We will be right back." " I'm not going upstairs with you." "I ain't driving you no more, Miss Daisy." "Noxeema, we must all help others." " How?" " Take her with us to Hollywood." " Say what?" " Take her with us." " How are we gonna do that?" " Erm..." "Sell our plane tickets and the three of us go by bus." "Uh-uh-uh." "Not on your young, queer life." "You and your causes." "That child is Latin." "You don't want to get mixed up in that mess." "She might be a Sandinista." "Noxeema Jackson, I must admit that I am shocked and just a little bit saddened by you." "You, of all people." "I remember the first time that I laid eyes on a certain young ebony enchantress in the rough and how, through styling and the occasional make-up tip," "I helped her look just a little bit less like Moms Mabley." " Moms Mabley?" " And who'd think that enchantress would one day share a title with moi?" "Now, on those steps, that dear little Spanish soul, working that tired Abbe Lane drag for all it's worth is all alone in this world." "And she just once wants to be special, to have a moment in the starlight, to dream of being utterly, utterly fabulous." " Hello!" " I'm walking here!" "I'm walking here!" "(Vida) Now, the China Bowl is the place if you want to be outrageous." "(Applause and cheering)" "What stunning visions!" "Tell us your beauty secrets or we'll die." "Darling, I cannot be held responsible for that." " I wish I was as beautiful as you." " Honey!" "Good luck." "Come on, honey." "Thank you." " They really like us." " Love..." "Delighted to meet us!" "(Man) Vida!" "Hi." "Excuse me." "Oh, Vida, Vida!" "Che bellissima." "Come va?" "Darling, enchanté." "Oh, you spoke French." "How bi." "Look at you, my little piñata." "How are you?" "The only man of money matters, Mr John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt." " ¡Ay, tan chulo!" "El gusto es mío." " No, no." "El gusto es mío." "No, papito, el gusto es mío." " See that?" " El gusto es mío." "Si te ajusto las nalgas..." "You remember John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt." " His name is my name, too." " Do people shout?" "I hate that." "Look at you!" "I'm like a compass near north." " Congratulations on your victoire." " Thank you." "Now, we must talk." "We have une petite crise." " Crise?" "Oh, jamais." " We have decided to take our young protégé, Miss Chi Chi, to Hollywood with us." " How Three Sisters." "How Chekhov." " We?" " What part do I play?" " Two round trips to LA." " To have or to dump?" " To dump." "Ooh. # To-dump, to-dump, to dump-dump-dump" " One thousand." " That is fabulous." " Then three round trips to LA." " Mode of transportation?" " Cheapest." " Oh, well, mule!" "Sorry, darling." "Forgive me." " You've got her number." " Let's say bus." "I do not do the bus." "You have me mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks." "Lxnay on the Hound, then." "How about chemin de fer?" "Train." " Oh, yes!" "Does it have a club car?" " How much?" "Let's see." "Three round-trip tickets, two adults, one child..." "Tell me, does it have a club car?" "1,500?" "That is totally out of our league." "What else can we do?" "On account of your need and unprecedented glamour, today you're the lucky winner of..." " Can we pay in trade?" " It's English, darling." "Noxee." ""Crazy Elijah - my cars are my children."" "Drop my name, anything on the lot - $50." " Problem solved." "A lifesaver." " Are we driving to Los Angeles?" " Cherry Lifesaver." " All-day sucker." "Are we discussing driving from New York to Los Angeles?" "Don't start with me." "We will go on." "I've got to go." "Bye!" "(Noxeema) This America does not respond kindly to our sort of person." "No one say anything frivolous for a few moments," "I am having a significant experience." "Whoopee(!" ")" "Miss Julie Newmar has been watching silently over this conversation." "And look at her, vintage Miss Julie." "She is the perfect, the ultimate..." "Oh!" "(Vida) Describe her and do not use the word "statuesque"." "Miss Julie, you are statuesque and you were the only Cat Woman." " Read it, please." " "To Wong Foo," ""thanks for everything, Julie Newmar."" " Who was Wong Foo?" " I don't know but they were close." "I'm hungry." "We must take this message across the land as our sovereign token." "(Chi Chi) Let's just relax." "(Noxeema) I was back in the club car, now we're driving across America." "¡Ay, nenita!" "Look!" "Look at this!" "Look what I found." "(Noxeema) Golly, golly, golly!" " The seats are like butter." " Now this is a car." "A car?" "Mary Alice Louise, no." "This is a land yacht." "I used to know a lawyer guy who had a car just like this and I said then and there I'd have one for myself." " Can we have this?" " (Noxeema) But we daren't." "I feel like Miss Jayne Mansfield in this." "Ooh!" "Not a good auto reference." "Please, it's a wreck." "Ladies." "Be careful with the..." "It'll never get you to California!" " It's the look!" " Noxee, how can you possibly refuse?" "Internal combustion, the ultimate accessory." "Ladies, please, for your own safety, go with the Toyota Corolla." "It comes down to that age-old decision." "Style... or substance?" "(All) Hmm..." "# Gotta move" "# Gotta get out" "# Gotta leave this place" "# Gotta find some place" "# Some other place Some brand new place" "# Some place where each face that I see won't be staring back at me" "# Telling me what to be and how to be it" "# Some place where I can just be me" "# Gotta move" "# Gotta get out... #" "Let me ask you something." "We just left Philadelphia, right?" " So the next city is..." " Bala Cynwyd." " Bala Cynwyd." "It's Welsh." " That's right." " How do you know that?" " How did you know that?" "Believe it or not, it's my hometown." " Get out!" " Oh, my goodness!" "I want to see!" " I wanna see where she was birthed!" " The birthplace of Miss Vida Boheme." "There's got to be a historical marker or something." "#... when I find me that new place, maybe ours" "# Gotta leave this town" "# Gotta leave this place" "# Gotta find a new man" "# Gotta move #" "(Vida) Welcome to Bala Cynwyd." "(Chi Chi) It's so beautiful!" "Here, they made me stop being Esther Williams in Million Dollar Mermaid, thus marring the Methodist annual picnic." "(Chi Chi) How come you never told us you were rich?" " I'm not rich, my parents are." " You gave all this up?" "There will be a barbecue at Twelve Oaks tonight." "We were so poor my parents got married for the rice." "Why did you give this up?" " Vida gave all this up to be Vida." " Hello." "Next time you give something like this up, call me, I'll take it." "There." "There." "¡Ay, mama!" "Look!" "Fabulous." "Simply fabulous." "Maps are cheating." "Don't do that!" "What are you doing?" "Go back!" "Oh, Jesus." "Vida, this is unbecoming of a lady." "How are we gonna know where we're going?" " Instincts, my dear." " And exquisite wit." "To become a drag queen, you have to learn these things." "What do you mean, "be a drag queen"?" "I am a drag queen." "Oh, child, no." "You are, simply put, a boy in a dress." "When a straight man puts on a dress to get kicks, he is a transvestite." "When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has the little operation, he is a transsexual." " I know that." " When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender, he is a drag queen." "Thank you." "And when a tired Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress." "(Noxeema and Vida giggling)" " I'm just a boy in a dress?" " (Both) Definitely." "(Chi Chi) OK, OK, that's it." "That does it." "I'm history." "Maybe there is a place for somebody like me but I don't need that." "She running across the border." "You have huge potential and you are squandering it!" "What do you care?" "Yes, you will start off a mere boy in a dress." "But when we are done with this crusade," "Auntie Vida and Auntie Noxee will give you the outrageous outlook and indomitable spirit that it will take to make you a full-fledged drag queen." "So now, I want you to turn your sway-backed little self around on those Robert Clergerie knockoffs and get back in this car." "Maybe I'm not just a boy in a dress." "All right." "You are a drag princess." "I could live with that." "I'm a princess." "P to the R to the IN to the CESS!" "I'm a princess!" " Are you all right?" " You gotta like!" "Princess Chi Chi." "That's fine but you still have a lot to learn before you're a full-fledged queen." "Can I stay a princess?" "They're younger." "Does everything have to be a joke?" "This is not a masquerade, it's real." "There are steps to becoming a queen." "I'm sorry." "How many?" "Four." "There are four steps to becoming a drag queen." "Tell me, what are they?" "Patience, ma chérie." "You will know when you've done them." "Miss Noxeema, our duchess of protocol, will inform you." "(Noxeema) Just pay attention." "Auntie Vida will make you a big old queen." "God grant me the serenity to accept being a boy in a dress, the courage to change with the fashions and the wisdom to know the difference." "(Noxeema) Congratulations, Miss Rodriguez." "That was step number one towards true queenliness." "(Chi Chi) Step one already!" "(Noxeema) Let good thoughts be your sword and shield." "# Take a look at yourself What do you see?" "# A willing victim of mediocrity" "# No one told you you can't have it all" "# It's time to act up and have a ball" "# You've got to be yourself # Gonna change that vibe... #" "(Chi Chi) I'm so tired, I wish I were dead." "We all tired, honey." "We're gonna have to stop sometime." "I know." "I've just sort of been postponing it." "Stop torturing us." "OK." "Budget Hosts are really good, I'm serious." "You can keep the mints even if you don't stay all night." "It's a Budget Host." "I don't know." "It's just so Middle America." " Why don't we sleep in the car?" " Oh, please(!" ")" "I've got to sleep in a real bed." "People are gonna be cruel, maybe violent." "We have been there before." "Let's throw you two a pity party." "Two fraidy old ladies." " What is she doing?" " Live life before it lives you." " She'll get herself killed." " When?" "Gonna be second-rate your whole life." "Please get in this car." "I'm not sleeping with the Wicked Witch Of The West." "Chi Chi, please!" " I need some sleep tonight, OK?" " (Men wolf-whistling and shouting)" " Take a picture, it'll last longer." " We have to go get her." "Let's go." "Why do you always do this to me?" " Ridiculous." "A bunch of wet rags." " She's crazy." "We're staying in this no-tell motel so be quiet." " I should have met you outside." " It's OK, Mr Manager." "We came in for a little sanctuary." " Welcome." " Welcome?" " There's wine and cheese." " I love to be wined and dined." "You'll meet many of your friends inside." "(All) Friends?" "Get with the programme." "No one is so rich as to throw away a friend." "Is there a drag ball going on?" "Basketball?" "(Chi Chi) I'll be centre, you be cheerleader." "Come on, over here!" " I'm open." " Move the ball around." "(Squeals) Yeah!" "Miss Chi Chi, I must commend you on your entrance into this establishment." "Oooh!" "Absolutely." "Step two, big time." "Halfway towards utter, utter fabulousness." "Step two to becoming a queen - ignore adversity." " Toast to Miss Chi Chi." " We salute you." "(Whistling)" "# Oh, she's a brick" "# House" "# She's mighty, mighty Just lettin' it all hang out" "# She's a brick" "# House" "# I like ladies stacked And that's a fact" "# Ain't holding nothing back Oh, she's a brick" "# House" "# Yeah, she's the one The only one" "# Built like an Amazon... #" ""Lost in the hot embrace of Damien's sinewy bronze flesh," ""Laritza surrendered her body completely..."" "(Vida) Oh!" ""...melting with every touch of his insatiable lipses."" "Oh, stop." "My nerves." "(Chi Chi) Where the freak are we?" "(Noxeema) The last person I saw didn't have but two teeth in his mouth, so I guess West Virginia." "(Siren)" " Oh, what in gay hell?" " What's the matter?" " This could prove problematic." " Why?" "The first name on my driver's licence is Eugene." "Eugene?" "(Vida) Yes." "(Noxeema) Eugene?" "Eugene?" "!" " Can I see your licence?" " What seems to be the problem?" "You got a tail light out." "Your licence." "Oh!" "A tail light out." "That is the very least of our problems." " What have we got here?" " Hola." "Hi." "Erm..." "I was wondering if you could help us." "We are three young career girls from..." " Career girls?" " Yes." "From New York City." "We are so lost you cannot believe." " Where do you think we are?" " West Virginia?" "West Virginia?" "You're a long way from West Virginia, girls." "Could you possibly help us find a moderately priced hotel?" "We don't go for that around these parts, white girls riding around with niggers and spics." " Talk to him, you speak honky." " Sheriff Dullard..." " That's Dollard." " I am sorry." " It's Dollard." " It says Dullard on your name tag." "It's a misprint!" "As I was saying, we are three young career girls..." " You're pretty." " Why, thank you." "Step out of the vehicle." " Don't do it." " Vida, please be careful." "Get out of the car." "Christ, you're tall." " Is this really necessary?" " Where's your licence?" "Come with me to my car." "Come on." "You stay in the vehicle." "Officer, if I could just explain." "My licence, the name..." " Don't worry about your licence." " Don't worry?" "I think maybe he's prejudiced." "I bet you were the brightest in your class." "What are you doing?" " Give me a kiss." " No." "Please, no." "I know what you want." "You know what you career girls want?" " Careers?" " Same thing as every girl wants." " No, please don't do this." " Give Daddy some sugar." "Please, no!" "Please." "No." "When a lady says no, she means..." "Get your hand off my dick, buddy!" "Sheriff Dullard?" "Sh-Sheriff Dullard?" "Noxee." "Oh, no." "Noxee!" " Don't go out there." " What is going on?" "(Vida) I think he's dead." "(Chi Chi) Don't leave me." " I killed him." " Why is he on the ground?" " Are you sure?" " Don't go over!" " How do you know he's dead?" " I'm not sure." " He had his hand up my dress..." " Feeling you up?" "He was trying to have his way with me." "(All talking at once)" " How do you know he's dead?" " If you want to know, you check." " Don't get an attitude." " Let me check." "I knew this accountant who died on me like this." " Be careful, Chi Chi." " I can't believe this." "Mamis, don't quote me but I think this one is deceased." "Oh, my God." "A dead white policeman?" " Should we blow?" " Yes." "Two words, b-low." " Let's go." " Don't leave me with this dead man!" "Look, Miss Necrophilia, get yourself in this car right now!" "(Noxeema) I can't believe this." "I get a nice crown, a nice sceptre, then I end up being part of... (Voices fade)" "(Chi Chi) What are we gonna do now?" "Lovely night." "Look at those stars." "(Noxeema) Come on." "(Chi Chi) Use your muscles." "(Noxeema) Jealous?" "(Ignition fails)" "(Ignition fails)" "Oh, no, it isn't." " (Engine spluttering)" " Please..." "Now, we're stuck here forever." "I knew it." "I could be in a comfortable, climate-controlled environment on a transcontinental airline, enjoying my individual package of peanuts and my warm towel if it wasn't for what?" "What?" "The little Hispanic rent-a-tart." "I didn't ask to come on this trip, did I?" "No, I don't think so." "Did I ask you to be making me over and jump all kinds of hoops?" "No, I don't think so." "And do I want to go to jail because of some cop-killer?" "The next town, I'm jumping on the first man and I'm riding him all the way to New York City and away from you two because this trip sucks, it sucks." "After all we've done to include you, you would leave us so quickly?" "Like that." "All right." "Since you have learned absolutely nothing," "I am hereby stripping you of all your princess points." " Ooh, that's voodoo." "That's cold." " You can't do that." "When I think Noxee and I decided to take pity on this Latin boy in drag" " and bring her along with us..." " "Noxee and I"?" "Uh, uh, uh." "No, no!" "Noxee didn't decide anything." "Noxee got dragged into this." "What about the two of you leaving poor Miss Vida at the hands of this possibly dead Sheriff Dullard and you stayed stuck in this car like Mary Jo Kopechne?" "(Gasps)" "O dear and oft-thanked Wong Foo, it's not that I'm asking for help but if something, anything..." "If somebody gave me back my princess points, I would get us a ride." "How can you hitchhike if there are no cars, stupid?" "You don't know me very well." "I'm the Latina Marilyn Monroe." "I got more legs than a bucket of chicken." "(Chi Chi muttering in Spanish)" "She'll get kidnapped by some mountain man and we will have to rescue her." "Why she always gotta have the last word, huh?" "You need a ride?" "Yeah!" "Our car died over there and I just need to go pick up my friends, all right?" "Hop in." "Get inside." "I got us a ride to Spidersville." "(Man) That's Snydersville." "Thank you, Wong Foo." " Hi." " Hi." "Thank you." "Well, ladies, welcome to Snydersville." "Thank you." " Virgil!" "Carol Ann!" " OK... (Whistles)" "Virgil?" "Carol Ann?" "And you thought the Dust Bowl was over?" " Bobby Ray, is that you?" " It sure is." "Is Virgil in?" " Virgil." "It's Bobby Ray." "You in?" " No." "He's in." "Tell him we got a big Cadillac broke down upside the road." "He's got a big Cadillac broke down." " So?" " He'll be right down." "OK, well, this is it." "Here you got your bathroom, you got towels." "If you want anything, holler." "We'll put your bags in the hall." "You've got an overhead light here." " Go get it." " That's not cool." "You girls all did want to be in the same room." "Do you, by chance, have a room that's possibly more inhabitable?" "This is the presidential suite." "Must have been one of those bad presidents." "You seem a little tired so I'll leave you be." "Your car should be ready tomorrow." "It's only one night." " Excuse me." " There's no toilet." "You know what I think?" "The last black person to stay here was Sam Cooke." ""'The fates must despise me" ""'for I am doomed to spend the rest of my days" ""'in this miserable cell.'" ""The rest of her days?" ""Suddenly, from out of the darkness came evidence to the contrary." ""'By the sword of my father before me," ""'I, Juan Carlos la Noche will rescue Princess Laritza."'" "I think tomorrow I'll wear a say-something hat." "I think tomorrow is a say-something hat day." ""'I'm here to save you, Princess Laritza.'" ""'You are my knight in shining armour."'" "(Birdsong)" "Why do I feel like I'm in the Tournament Of Roses Parade?" " Because you're as big as a float?" " Your mother." " Thank you." " OK." "As soon as I get to a town with a bus I'm out of here." "Howdy, y'all." "Hello." "For girls, they're sure strong and big." " Brunell?" " Virgil." "Oh, Virgil." "So how long will she take to fix?" " All of five minutes." " Oh, my goodness." "Thank you." "When I get the part." "See, I don't have any Cadillac parts, especially no old ones." " I can order it for Monday." " It's Saturday morning now." " What do we do till Monday?" " You got to wait." "Oh, no, no, no, no!" "People are waiting for me." "(All talking at once)" "Ladies." "Ladies." "You're just gonna have to wait." " Maybe Virgil can call his friend..." " Carol Ann." "Excuse me." "What are we gonna do now, Miss Know-lt-All?" " Hello." " What are we gonna do?" "We will have to stay here till Monday and get to know this lovely town and its inhabit... ants." "Excuse me." "What are you gawking at?" "What are you gonna do about it?" "Nothing." "I love roughnecks." "If I was your bread, would you be my butter?" "(Noxeema) My God." "This is my idea of hell!" " Careful." " Who is their art director?" "Ma Joad?" "We will make the most of it." "Watch." "Pardon me, kind sirs." "Pardon me." "Thank you." "My name is Vida Boheme of the Manhattan Bohemes and my travelling companions and I will be staying in your fair hamlet for the weekend." "Are there some historical points of interest that we should not miss?" "She can't hear and she don't talk." "She's just a little..." "Oh." "Oh..." "There's nothing interesting here for you, you're from New York City." "But we'll try to be accommodating." "Well, er, thank you." "Pardon me." "But let's just all suck it up and make this place tolerable, OK?" "Now, ready?" "Operation Decorator Storm." "# Wonder Woman Wonder Woman" "# All the world is waiting for you" "# And the power you possess" "# In your satin tights Fighting for your rights" "# And the old red, white and blue" "# Wonder Woman" "# Wonder Woman" "# Wonder Woman" "# Wonder Woman" "# You're a wonder, Wonder Woman #" " That's him." " Jeez!" " This guy's living." " You think?" " Sheriff Dullard?" " Dollard here." " Your badge says Dullard." " It's a misprint." " Sheriff, what happened here?" " I was attacked." " (Woman) Hello, Loretta." " Hello." "Alcoholic." "Low self-esteem." "Her daddy used to call her Baby Ugly." "She took to the bottle as soon as she could swallow." "Over there." "Her and her husband ain't had sex for nearly seven years." "Another mess is the youngest of the Budd family over there." "Poor thing, he's got a sad little..." "st-st-st-stutter." "It'd bring a tear to your eye." "Then there's Clara." "You can say anything to her." "She don't hear, she can't talk." " She can't hear you?" " No." "Your stockings are falling down!" "There's no medical reason." "Ever since her husband lost the movie theatre and he run off with that lady film - what do you call it?" " Distributor." "Oh!" "Now, over there is Jimmy Joe, who runs the Rooster and Pony." "He is the nicest coloured man you'd ever want to meet." "Robert Mitchum?" "Yoo-hoo!" "Excuse me, you forgot something!" "Hello!" "Excuse me!" "You forgot your picture!" "I picked it up because I didn't want it to get dragged..." "Oh, no, girlfriend..." "Did you just do a U-ie?" "Oh, girl." "I'm coming." "I'm a-coming!" "I'm gonna get you." "I'm just trying to give you back..." "Ooh!" "Ow!" "I don't find this funny any more." "Sheriff Dollard, we've read your filed report regarding the assault in your jurisdiction and we should ask a few questions before we pursue this case." "First off, with regards to the assailant, are we correct in summarising, if we can clarify matters by saying that... you got beat up by a girl?" "They were not girls." "They were boys, three of them, and one of them was black." " May we see Exhibit A?" " Found at the scene of the crime." "All right!" "They were dressed up like girls but they were boys." "You sons of bitches." "Don't laugh at me!" "I was attacked by perverts!" "If you won't do something, I will!" " Mrs Dollard..." " Give me the shoe." " Mrs Dollard." " Shut up." "Just shut up!" "I'm gonna bring back three corpses." "And when you look up their dresses if you don't find something you shouldn't find," " I don't know what." " (Laughter)" "I was a Fresh-Air Fund kid." "They used to take us troubled kids into the country for picnics..." "I didn't know it was gonna be a party." "I would have dressed for it." "Liquorice, anyone?" "I guess it's a poker party, you got all your players, you don't need me." "Looksies, no feelsies." "Anybody read any good books lately?" "(Horn honks)" "Come on!" "That's how you pick up a lady." "Carol Ann, darling, we need more towels." "We've gone through the first 14 but, you know, girl stuff." " Are you crying?" " No." "Just chopping onions." "TVW - the very worst." "Quick household hint, if I may." "Put these on and it will shield your eyes..." " No, don't." " Oh, darling, what happened?" "Nothing." "You are going to have a shiner, put a steak on that." "These boxes dropped on me from that closet." "Anyway, I got to get this dinner ready." " Oh, oh!" "May I?" " What's that?" "Just a little spice." " A little paprika..." " No, don't!" "No, don't!" " We don't use spices here." " I am sorry." " Virgil does not like it." " I'm just pushy." "Virgil does like his way, doesn't he?" "You're very observant." "As a matter of fact..." "I can't help but observe right now that there are no chopped onions anywhere." "I think that maybe you'd better just let me finish this alone." "Surely." "And the box in the closet?" "Good one, darling." "I used to tell people that when my father called me cruel names, it was just because of his sense of humour." "If you need more towels, you'll find them in the closet down at the end of the hallway." "Hello." "I brought your picture back." "You dropped it earlier and..." "Thank you." "You're welcome." "Wow." "Miss Thing got some stuff in here." "Mind if I sit?" "(Sighs) Whoo!" "That little run you took me on really took a lot out of me." "Not that I'm not in shape or anything, but..." "Those boys didn't hurt you, did they, Miss Chi Chi?" "Just a little bit, Bobby." "Nothing time won't heal." "Thank you." "Look at your eyes." "They as blue as window cleaner, Bobby Lee." "That's Bobby Ray." "Bobby Lee's a girl." "I'm sorry." "Is that your girlfriend?" "No, I don't got one of those." "A girlfriend, I mean." "I got a name " "Bobby Ray but you know that." "Sorry." "They have a mind of their own, you know." "My goodness." "My God, that was so brave what you did back over there." "Aw..." "You were just like a regular knight in shining pick-up truck." " Stop it." " What time are you due..." "Bobby!" "Oh, my God!" "Oh, my God!" "That's so romantical." "God." "I don't have the words." "Don't cry, Miss Chi Chi." "Please don't cry." "Miss Chi Chi, if you were my girl, you'd never cry for anything, except maybe from happiness." "You said a mouthful." " Let's go." " All right." "Don't think that I can't see you, Miss Bobby Lee." "Come, come." "So, you are Virgil and Carol Ann's eldest, am I right?" "Yeah." "How did you know?" "I'm the eldest in my family, too." "Wow." "I picked these for your mom." "They only grow in darkness and dank but sweetness, how they blossom." " You know a lot." " Oh, please." "I guess it's on account of what you really are." "Bobby Ray told me what you really are." " He did?" " Yeah." "You're a career girl." "Oh!" "Yes." "Yes." "I could never be like that." "Oh, no." "You can be anything you want." "You just imagine good things happening" " and you make them happen." " Oh." "Well, what if what I want to imagine is a boy I want to go out with?" "You might want to set your sights a tiny bit higher." "Just to start off." "Then I'll work on the career-girl stuff." "(Noxeema) Miss Vida thinks that I don't have a dream." "I'm not Martin Luther King." "I don't need a dream." "I have a plan." "I'm gonna tell you what it is because I knew I could trust you, being as you're not a big talker and everything." "My plan is that, while in Hollywood," "I will be approached by an eminent producer - at the lvy, no doubt - to star in the lush film version of the life of Miss Dorothy Dandridge." "Oh, yes." "That noble blacktress who never played domestic help and whose career was crushed by the white Hollywood machine." "Homegirl ended up dying penniless." "I can remember almost everything she's ever done, from Serenade Sun Valley to Bahama Passage." "Gorgeous performance." "After that was Hit Parade Of '43, Drums Of The Congo." "No, no, no" " Drums Of The Congo, then Hit Parade Of '43." "Then between that and Carmen Jones she did something..." "Road." "Road... road." " Bright Road." " Thank you." "Carmen Jones and then Island In The Sun and her co-star in Carmen Jones was Miss Pearl Bailey, whose birthday I think should be a national holiday." "Did you say something?" "Carmen Jones, then Island In The Sun, then Decks Ran Red, then, oh, yes, Porgy And Bess." "Oh, spectacular." "Then there was... er... er..." " Tamango." " Tamango..." "Malaga." "Malaga." "Honey, when did you start talking?" "Wanna try Lena Horne?" "Go, girl." "Feature debut, 1942." "(Both) Panama Hattie!" "That's wonderful." "That is just wonderful." "You're not gonna start walking across water and making the blind see, are you?" "You put spices in here." "Some fell in." "I scooped them out." "You do this to make me mad." "Why do you want to make me mad?" " I scooped them out." " Why are you arguing with me?" " I'm not." " You want me to hit you?" "Take them out." " Jimmy Jay?" " Joe." " Joe Jay." " Jimmy Joe." "Can we have one ladies' cocktail..." " Miss Clara!" " I know her." " Hey, girl." " Hi, sweetie." "Sit here." " Hi." "I'm Noxeema." " How do you do?" " Noxeema Jackson." " Noxeema?" "Uh-huh." "Jesse's daughter." "So, Beatrice, what are we working on?" "We are working on decorations for the Strawberry Social." " Strawberry Social?" " The biggest thing in these parts." "We're doing it tomorrow." "We all make strawberry pies, we take them into the centre of town, then we eat the strawberry pies." "Then we go home." "Oh, lovely!" "Une fête champêtre." " May I?" " Oh, please." "Is there music and dancing and...?" "We used to have a hollering contest but some people didn't like it." "We give out ribbons for the best strawberry pie." " This party craves a theme." " Theme?" "What do strawberries say to anyone here?" "Well, erm..." "Strawberries are red." "Good." "That's a start." " Wild strawberries." " Yes, wonderful!" " Red and wild." "That's your theme." " What?" "Red and wild is our theme." "You know what we should have today?" " A day with the girls." " A day with the girls." "Somebody has to drive me to Greenville." "Come on." "A day with the girls, like in New York high society!" "Merna, what's a day with the girls?" "Katina, first you do volunteer work and then you get your hair done, then you pick out a new outfit and then you go sit in a café and talk." "I've never heard that expression before." "I'm Merna." "I run the beauty parlour." "Beauty parlour?" "Here, here it is!" "Oh!" "(Cow moos)" "(Boy) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." "Man!" "Look at that!" "It's like living in a Tex Avery cartoon." "I think we should just ignore them." "Oh, no, no, no." "Noxee, please, no." "What's all this noise?" "Oh, baby." "You are a whole lot of woman." "I know what you need." "I hardly think you're the man to give it to me." " Oh, no?" " Tough talk." "Thank you." "I think you should apologise to me." "And I also think you should apologise to those ladies." "I ain't apologising to no ladies." "No way." "No way." "Just as I expected." "Well... do you like my nails?" "Walk." "What can I say?" "She's had a difficult life." "What did you say your name was?" "Your name?" " Tommy." " Tommy, Tommy." "Well, Tommy, this is Miss Vida and Miss Clara and this is Miss Katina and Miss Merna," "Miss Loretta and of course Miss Little Bobby Lee." "Now, Tommy, when you encounter such gorgeous ladies, the correct way to greet them is to say," ""Good afternoon, ladies." Can you say that, Tommy?" "Good afternoon, ladies." "Unless it's the evening and then you say what?" "Good evening, ladies." "Go home, take a bath, comb your hair and please put on a clean shirt when you step outside." "It's an affront to the very delicacy of my nature." "Miss Clara." "You just got to know how to talk to people." "And a four and a five and a six and a seven and a eight." "Children, and one." "Plié on two." "And three, opening four." "Come, come, come." "Hello, you handsome thing." " All right." "No colours." " No." "No." "No." "No." "We just have-have w-what's on the f-floor." " We're not gonna have much luck." " It is looking somewhat serious." " (Noxeema screams)" " What?" " Oh, my God!" " What?" "Speak to me." "Oh!" "Oh..." "Oh!" "Oh!" "I can't believe it!" "Oh!" "Look!" "They're from the Sixties!" "There's a whole bunch of it, there's something for everybody." "T-That's just s-stuff my grandma bought w-when she opened." "It never s-s-s-sold and she never s-s-s-sent it b-b-back and we were gonna g-give it to Good-Good-Good..." "Good-Good-Good..." " Can you believe?" "I can't believe!" " Good-Good-Good..." "Look at this." "Look, look." "Oh, Miss Clara, you're gonna look like Emma Peel." "Ooh!" "Sorry." "Goodwill." " Yes." "For me." " No, no, no." "No, this is mine." "Oh, there's this fringe, honey." "I think I'm gonna black out." "# Another time Another place" "# A little Maybelline to spread on my face, well" "# Lace underwear A tube of Nair" "# Make up my eyes and I tease out my hair, yeah... #" " # Polish my pumps... #" " Good afternoon." "# And I pull on some hose" "# Break out my clothes, yeah, I need to unload" "# It makes me feel so mighty real" "# Run in my stockings hey, it ain't no big deal" "# Turn it out You've got to turn it out... #" "This book has been sort of a Bible for me and, well... here." ""DV." ""The Au-au-autobiography Of Diana" ""V-Vreeland."" "And l-I-I-I should read this?" "Oh, hon, you should commit sections to memory." "Check yourself, Loretta, before you wreck yourself." "# Shine up the runway while I powder my nose" "# Turn on the spotlight Gonna strike up a pose" "# Well, for savoir faire, more derriére... #" " (# Disco music continues)" " Oh...!" "# Turn it out You've got to turn it out" "# Looking like a luminary, extraordinary, sing it... #" "Acting real proud of yourself like a New York City girl, huh?" " God!" "It's still too spicy." " I scooped them out..." "Don't argue with me because if you argue, you're gonna lose." " It's too goddamn hot!" " No!" "(Noxeema) Eartha... (Purrs) Miss Kitt to you." "Dinah Washington sitting on this shelf getting dusty!" "Honey, we should play these." "The air should be filled with music." "(# Eartha Kitt:" "Je Cherche Un Homme)" "# Je cherche un homme... #" " Here, put this on." " Oh, no." " Why?" " No, I can't do that." "It's too big." "It can never be too big." "Here, put this on." "Come on." "Dance with me." "# Peu m'importe comment il se nomme" "# S'il est un homme, un homme, un homme... #" ""That season, we were loaded with pizzazz," ""earrings of fuchsia and peach." ""Mind you, peach." ""And hats." "Hats, hats, hats." ""Hats for career girls." ""How I adored Paris."" "Jimmy Joe, this is not just a restaurant any more." "You have turned it into a lovely café." "A café?" "Now slap a dollar surcharge on every bill out here." "Paid for." "Thank you, my little Miss Vida." "I've got a secret romance." "Couldn't you just lose it?" " To say the least." " I got a secret romance, too." "Oh, shut up." "For real?" "And this secret romance is very handsome, I hear." "Miss Vida!" "Mine, too." "What a coinky-dinky." "And he's so sweet." "Mine, too." "And, oh, he's so strong." "Let me tell you, my papi is built like a brick..." " Let's go." " Ow!" "What's the matter with you?" "Bobby Lee, listen." "The way to make things happen is imagine." "Imagine." "(# Eartha Kitt:" "Je Cherche Un Homme)" "# He doesn't have to be handsome as a picture" "# An ordinary guy's all right with me... #" "(Sobbing)" "Oh, Carol Ann, what on earth...?" "I'm just so clumsy." "I mean..." "Virgil yelled at me." "I mean, he called out to me." "And, well, I just spilled the stew." "Hon, do you, like, ever not cry in this room?" "(Laughter and quiet chatter)" "(Noxeema) Oooh!" "Guess what I see." " I spy with my little eye." " What is this?" "Somebody's coming courting." "Miss Vida, I just kept thinking it was happening." "I imagined just like you said." "Is that who you have your little brown roots set on?" " Yeah." " Shush." "(Chi Chi) No, mamita, please!" " Evening, ladies." " (All) Good evening, Bobby Ray." "I come to ask somebody out to the sociable." " Well, I declare." " I declare." " I declare." " I decline." "Well, er, it's tomorrow afternoon, so I best be asking." "(Clears throat)" " Bobby Lee?" " Yes, Bobby Ray?" "Could you do me a favour and take the little ones inside?" "I need to talk to Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez in private." "Bobby Lee, mamita, don't be so sensitive." " Bobby Lee!" " She's so sensitive." "(Vida) Bobby Lee." "(Chi Chi) I didn't know it'd happen." " Er, Miss Chi Chi..." " Won't you come back in an hour?" " Er..." " Shh." "Just say yes." "OK." "I'll see you." "It's absolutely out of the question." "You're not my mamas and you can't stop me." "Darling, you most certainly will not be going out with Mr Bobby Ray." "Why not?" "We got a lot in common." "For starters, the same business in between your legs." "Poinky-poinky-poink-poink!" "If he gets a whiff of your wiles, darling..." "It's the "why I'm always right and you're wrong" song sung by her lonely breasteses herself." "What do you know about relationships?" " I mean, who loves you, baby?" " Be quiet, Chi Chi." "Nobody, that's who." "Not even your rich mommy and daddy." "Oh, oh!" "I know what this is about." "This is about jealousy because I'm going out with a cute boy and you ain't." "Hello, goodbye." "You are deceiving that child." "That boy does not know which end is up and you know that Miss Bobby Lee is in love with him." "So what if she is?" "Maybe I want something?" "What's wrong with that?" "Miss Girl is dealing with some demons." " I will not allow you to play games." " Allow?" "Allow!" "There are human rules by which we operate, sweetheart." "I'm so sick of this freakazoid white lady telling a black lady and a Latin lady which way is up, down and under." "You can laugh but I hope you pack that Cadillac because I'm staying." "You're staying?" "Well, Miss Jennifer Holliday, go ahead and stay." "Don't forget to write." "She truly does have a piñata for a head." "Don't go there, Vida." "She's an oppressive gringa with a pinga." " All right, y'all." " You are a puta Spanish fly." " Don't go there." " You are an uptight, cellulite, fossil-face, cracker witch." "Listen to me, you little sway-backed, Third World..." " She went there." "...selfish piece of street trash!" "You're the selfish one, bossing people's lives around without them even asking you," "Mrs Ann Landers pain in my culo." " How dare you think that..." " (Raised voices)" "What is that noise?" "You want to know?" "That's you running into everybody's house..." "Shut up, Chi Chi!" "(Chi Chi) When I look at you, it makes me want to throw up." " Virgil's beating up Carol Ann." " Most likely." "Well, we have to help her." "No, no." "Vida, there are times when you help people and then there are times when if you help people, you ends up being killed, so you don't help people." "She trusts me and I trust her." "There's a fine line between trust and stupidity and there's people you don't trust cos they will stab you in the ribs." "I thought you had learned a little bit more than this." "You need to mind your own business." "What is going on upstairs has nothing to do with you." "You deal with what's going on right here." "Mami, save it." "Everybody's business is her business." "You go ahead, girl." "You're gonna get screwed." "You're not a queen because you sit on a throne, you're a queen because you couldn't cut it as a man so you had to put on a dress." " What did you say?" " You heard me." "I've had quite enough..." "(Carol Ann and Virgil arguing)" "(Virgil) What the hell?" "Vida, please." "No." "It's OK." "Carol Ann, I'm sorry but I cannot take this any more." "Noxee, could you take care of Miss Carol Ann?" "Virgil and I have something we must discuss." "So, I gather you like hitting ladies." "Some ladies need to get hit." "Then, conversely, some men need to be hit back." "Oh, God." "Virgil's gonna hurt Vida so bad." "Carol Ann, there's something you should know about Vida, mami." "Well..." "Vida works out." "Vida works out." "A lot." "All right, move ahead." "All right, go ahead." "Move on." "Oh, man, sometimes I think we should just get rid of all the men." "(Vida) Well, not all of us..." "them are bad." "We just need to get rid of all the men." "(Noxeema) You're just post-traumatised." "Well, maybe Mr Rogers." "I mean, he just seems sensitive." " Well, Mel Gibson." "He has a cute can." " Oh, please!" "Yeah." "He can stay but he's not allowed to think or speak." "Psst!" "Shh!" "My goodness." "You're always on time." "And twice as sweet as usual." "I guess you're never gonna disappoint me." "How could I disappoint you?" "I'm your knight in a shiny pick-up, remember?" "Of course I remember." "My knight in shining whatever that was." "Oh, God, it's so beautiful out tonight, isn't it?" "Yeah." "My whole life I've always wanted someone who will understand how I felt inside and someone who would hold me for always and then you showed up and you were it." "You make me feel like the most perfect girl." "I don't have to do that." "You are the perfect girl." " Sorry, no." " I mean it." "You're beautiful." " Please." " You've got class, glamour." " Shut up." " You're exotic." "Stop." "Oh, don't stop." "And there's something about the way that you talk, you know." "Like no-nonsense." "Like..." "You'd never lie to me, you'd never keep a secret from me." "I really respect that." "I do." "What is it?" "What did I say?" "I was..." "If you really love someone, you could keep one big secret from them." " No." " No?" "I really feel that if you love somebody with all of your heart, then you could never keep a secret from them." "You couldn't even sit on one little teeny lie?" " No." " No." "No matter how big or how small." "Oh... (Carol Ann) We're saving Mel Gibson." "(Vida) With a gag." "(Carol Ann) Right." "Mr Rogers, Keanu Reeves, Denzel Washington..." " And..." " And Bobby Ray." "Yeah, you mustn't forget about Bobby Ray." "Bobby Lee, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and I don't want Bobby Ray because he's such a local, right?" "So go ahead." "You can have him." "Just take him." "He's yours, baby." "Go ahead and take him." " Good for you." " Chi Chi." " What?" " That was so very generous of you, putting someone else's needs before your own." "It was special." "It was step three." "Absolutely step three." "Abide by the rules of love." " Really utterly fabulous." "Sit here." " Here, honey." "Chi Chi..." "I am so very sorry that I called you a sway-backed, Third World little whatever." "I didn't mean it." "It's all right, baby." "I deserved it." "And I'm sorry I called you a dinosaur, cellulite, white trash farty old white woman." " Forgiven?" " Forgiven." " You are lovely." " You're too much." "Are you serious about Bobby Ray, Miss Chi Chi?" "Baby, you can have him." "I've got a million dream lovers." "I've got a broken heart for every light on Broadway and when one goes out, I just screw in another one." "Hello, goodbye." "I think I see him." "No..." "Moses." "I have lived in apartments that weren't half as big as these pores." "Let's stay positive." "Bobby Lee, just ignore your old Auntie Noxee and look at that videotape there." "I know." "That is Miss Anne Baxter in The Ten Commandments and those are the moves." "(Noxeema) All right, let's see." "She needs more lips." " I can't." " You can and you will, darling." "But I'm not Miss Anne Baxter." "No one is asking you to be." "Just take her strength, her mystery, her moves and you find your own." "If you want them to know that there is steak for dinner, you've got to let them hear it sizzle." "Understand?" " Yeah." " All right." " Thanks." " Best of luck." "Time to make the donuts." "Chi Chi, he won't like me." "Trust me." "He's gonna love you, all right?" "Baby, you got the look, mami." "You certainly do." "Do that eye thing I taught you, right?" "That's right." "And be honest with him, all right?" "He deserves that." " Thanks." " I got to go." "I got cramps." "Momma!" "Chi Chi?" "Bobby Ray, come here." "Hello?" "Oh!" "Hello." "Bobby Lee!" " Roberta." " Oh, Roberta." "Wow." "You really look pretty." "Sure is a pretty dress you're wearing." "Oh, this old thing?" "Well..." "Roberta... would you...?" "Wow." "You really look good in that dress." "Oh, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray, Bobby Ray." "Would you like to dance with me?" "(# Johnny Mathis:" "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me)" " # Hold me, hold me... #" " Miss Beatrice," " I've waited 23 years to ask you this." " # Never let me go until you've told me #" " May I have this dance?" " My gracious." "# What I want to know" "# And then just hold me, hold me" "# Make me tell you I'm in love with you" "# Thrill me, thrill me" "# Walk me down the lane where shadows will be" "# Will be hiding lovers just the same as we'll be" "# We'll be when you make me tell you I love you" "# They told me be sensible with your new love" "# Don't be fooled thinking this is the last you'll find... #" " You know, pumpkins?" " What?" "Sometimes it just takes a fairy." "(Vida sighs)" "(Noxeema sighs)" " (Chi Chi sighs) #... drive me slowly out of my mind" "# Kiss me # Kiss me" "# And when you do" "# I know that you will miss me # Miss me... #" "Men, acting like women." "Men wanting to be with one another, men touching each other." "Their stubbly chins rubbing up against one another." "Touching each other." "Manly hands... touching swirls of chest hair." "An occasional whiff of a rugged aftershave." "Their low, baritone voices... sighing, grunting." "They hold one another in manly, masculine arms." "Hold one another." "Tight." " How you doing?" " OK, I'm doing OK." " (Barman) What can I get you?" " Bourbon." " This your shoe?" " No, that ain't my shoe." "I'm looking for the person that wore that shoe." " Now the ratchet." " The ratchet..." "You know, if I can get this to work, you may get this baby on the road." "Really?" "That would be wonderful." "Of course, I'm sure you'll be wanting to stick around for the Strawberry Social this afternoon." " Now, Vida..." " Ca..." "You know," "I wouldn't be lying if I were to say... that I was really gonna miss you." "I think it's really important for a woman to have lady friends." "Oh, Carol Ann, I..." "If we're going to be friends, there really is something I should tell you." " Adam's apple?" " What?" "Adam's apple." "Women don't have Adam's apples." "Only men have Adam's apples." "The first night you came to town," "I noticed that you had yourself an Adam's apple." " Then you know?" " I know... that I'm very fortunate to have a lady friend who just happens to have an Adam's apple." "Let's just see what we got here." " (Engine starts)" " Ooh!" "You did it." "Yes!" "God, I ain't ever gonna be right." "(Police radio, indistinct)" "Ta-da!" "How do I look?" "Like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you." "(Dollard) We have the town surrounded." "There's no escape." "I know there's drag queens around here." "Just come out with your hands up, no one will get hurt." "Oh, what fresh hell is this?" "It's possibly-dead Sheriff Dollard." "(Chi Chi) He doesn't look dead." "I know them drag queens is here, I'm not leaving without them!" "None of you good people need get involved." "All I want's them drag queens." "Don't protect these freaks!" "I know they're hiding here, these weirdos coming in here, these boys in dresses." "What?" "Boys in dresses?" "Corrupting you with their way of life, changing the way things have always been!" "I really don't think that's what you want!" "Whoever belongs to this shoe... come forward now!" "There's Miss Vida, come on." "I believe that shoe is mine." " You ain't the one." " She's not the one." "Back off, Virgil." "I am a drag queen." "I know there's drag queens in this town!" "And I ain't leaving till they get out here!" " Can I have my shoe, please?" " You're a drag queen?" "Nothing this pretty could be real." "You want to touch my boa?" "That's my shoe." "Ten and a half B, girlfriend." " I'm a boy in a dress." " Give me a kiss, big boy." " I'm the drag king." " (Man) I'm a drag queen, too." " Arrest us." " I'm a drag queen over here." "So you can just drag yourself on home." " What you so afraid of?" " (All jeering)" "You're gonna really regret this." "You're gonna regret this." "You have no idea how dangerous these people really are!" "No idea!" "You're gonna regret it!" "All of you are gonna regret it!" "I promise you will!" "(Knocking at door)" "Miss Vida?" "Auntie Noxee?" " Are you hearing this?" " Yes." "I didn't even want to come here, now these people are standing up for us?" "You know, Vida... you were absolutely right." "About what?" "I mean, now I realise that... you gotta take chances." "Because you never know, you know what I mean?" "I'm not gonna worry about if people accept me or not." "I'm gonna make Hollywood wherever I am at." "I would like..." "Stand up, Vida." "I would like... to go to Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania and walk into that imitation Tudor-style house..." "Stand up, Vida." "Stand up." "...and I will say, "My name is Miss Vida Boheme."" " Go ahead, girl." " "Your approval is not needed."" "Approval neither desired nor required." ""But I will take your acceptance."" "Me, too." "I'm gonna stand up from now on, I'm going to." "And when I find my honest and true love," "I'm never gonna let him go." "And I don't care what my cousin Lisette says." "Everything I touch doesn't turn into caca." " What does she know?" " Right." "And I'm gonna try and find a foundation that's a little closer to my actual skin tone." "(Crowd cheering)" "Idiots!" "Look at them!" "Look at them." "Perverts." "When the founding fathers wrote the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution," ""Liberty and justice for all", they didn't mean that." "I can tell you one thing about them founding fathers of America." " What's that?" " They sure had fabulous wigs." "(# Charisse Arrington:" "Do What You Wanna Do)" "# Do what you wanna do" "# Do what you wanna do... #" "You'd better feel it." "# Do what you wanna do" "# Do what you wanna do... #" "This is my Aunt Martha's dress." "I thought you could use it, she was big in the shoulders." " Thank you, girl." " Oh, sweet pea." "Listen to your Auntie Vida." "I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things and moisturise, I cannot stress this enough." "Miss Noxeema." "Miss Clara." "Now, listen, when you get to Hollywood, you give this letter to Mr Robert Mitchum." "I will." "I promise you." "I'll guard it with my life." "Thank you." "I'm gonna miss you." "I'm gonna miss you, too." " Goodbye." " Bye." "I hope she leaves me those albums in her will." " All right." "Can I hear it?" " Good afternoon." "Sounds wonderful." "The shirt is fierce and the hair is working." "Take care." "Be good to yourself." "Vaya con Dios, Miss Chi Chi." "You ruin my language and I still love you." " These all grow wild around here." " You all grow wild around here." "This reminds me of Princess Laritza in Revenge Of The Wench." "Everybody thought she was dead but she had taken this magical concoction..." " Anyway, bye-bye." " Bye." "Vida..." "Come with us." "Please?" "Oh, Lord." "If you had any idea of how many nights I've lain awake, just thinking about how to get out of here." "But it's my home." "Besides, I got these girls to raise." "I know." "I love you, Miss Vida Boheme." "I've waited my whole life to hear those words said to that name." "And I'm very, very, very happy... that you're the one to say them." "What...?" "I have a lovely idea." "I want you to have this." "I don't know if you know who she is..." "It's Julie Newmar." "I always thought she was so statuesque." "My feelings exactly!" " Well..." " Well..." "Vida!" "I don't think of you as a man." "And I don't think of you as a woman." "I think of you as an angel." "I think that's healthy." "(All shouting farewells)" "(Drum roll)" "(# Cyndi Lauper:" "Hey Now" " Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)" "(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen." "The winner of this year's Drag Queen Of America contest..." "# Hey, now." "Hey, now" "# What's the matter with you?" "# Girls just wanna have fun now # Yeah, yeah, yeah... #" "(Noxeema) Step four." "Larger than life is just the right size." "#... my mother says, "When you gonna live your life right?"...#" "(Announcer) Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez!" "#... and girls, they wanna have fun" "# Whoa, girls, they wanna have # Hey, now." "Hey, now" "# What's the matter with you?" "# Girls just wanna have fun now... #" "Presenting the crown," "Miss Julie Newmar!" "#... what you gonna do with your life?" "# Oh, Daddy dear, you know you're still number one" "# But girls, they wanna have fun" "# Whoa, girls, they wanna have" "# That's all they really want" "# Some fun" "# When the working day is done" "# You know, girls, they wanna have fun" "# Come on # Hey, now." "Hey, now" "# What's the matter with you?" "# Girls just wanna have fun now" "# Come on # Hey, now." "Hey, now" "# What's the matter with you?" "# Girls just wanna have fun now #" "(# Chaka Khan:" "Free Yourself)" "# Do you wanna be free, yeah?" "# Oh, oh" "# Do you wanna be free, yeah?" "# Just free yourself" "# Just free yourself" "# Take a look at yourself What do you see?" "# A willing victim of mediocrity" "# No one told you you can't have it all" "# It's time to act up and have a ball" "# You've got to free yourself" "# Gonna change that vibe" "# Free yourself # Leave the past behind" "# See yourself" "# In a different light There is no one else" "# Just free yourself" "# There'll be those who say what you're doing is wrong" "# You can't listen to fools You've got to be strong" "# Close your eyes any place that you can be" "# Be what you want yourself to be" "# I can show you how to go to" "# To heaven" "# Ordinary, it's left standing" "# Just leave them in my past" "# You've got to # Free yourself" "# Gotta change that vibe" "# Why don't you be yourself?" "# Leave the past behind" "# It's time to see yourself" "# In a different light Ain't no one else, just free yourself" "# Free yourself # Free yourself" "# Why don't you be yourself?" "# It's time to see yourself" "# Just free yourself" "# Free yourself" "# Be yourself" "# See yourself" "# In a new light" "# Free yourself" "# Free yourself Free yourself" "# Ooh, yeah" "# Oh, oh" "# Just free yourself # Do you wanna be free, yeah?" "# I can show you how to go to" "# The head of your class" "# Ordinary, it's left standing # In the past" "# Free yourself # Gotta change that vibe" "# Why don't you be yourself?" "# Leave the past behind" "# It's time to see yourself" "# In a different light" "# Just free yourself" "# Free yourself" "# Why don't you be yourself?" "# Don't you want to be free?" "# It's time to see yourself... #"