"Grace:" "This is so unfair." "Why do we always have to have breakfast at your house?" "I have a house." "Yes. but you have no food there." "nothing to eat with or on there." "and it smells like bologna and wet cat there." " Since I'm already here." " Mmm." "Cereal?" "Generic bran flakes?" "How geriatric." "Oh. no." "Bran flakes kick in?" "No. it's our alumni newsletter." "Joseph Dudley retired." " Oh." " Heart problems." " No!" " Yeah." "No." "Professor Dudley." "I loved him." "He was the best teacher I ever had." "and the only one who never hit on me." "Grace. he was gay." "Ladies and..." "Grace." "You'll be happy to know that I have found him." "Sex." "The love of my life." "And he's from Belize." "Puh-leaze." "Jack. we're really not in the mood." "We just got some bad news." "Oh my God!" "It's about James Van der Beek. isn't it?" "Is Beek off the "Creek"?" "Is Jack smoking crack?" "God. he was brilliant." "you know?" " And such an inspiration." " Yeah." "He's the one who made me want to write." " You don't write." " But I wanted to." "And. you know." "when I graduated." "I told him I'd keep in touch." "and then I never did." "I feel so guilty." "Okay. it's getting just a little too "Tuesdays With Morrie" in here." "Why don't you just go visit Jack Lemmon and get it over with?" "What?" "I read the movie." "You know?" "I think Chrissy might actually be onto something here." "I mean. he is-- he's our Morrie." "You know what we should do?" "We should rent a car this weekend and go visit him." "Oh my God!" "Yes." "let's do it." "I need to see him." "I need a shot of his optimism." "and positive energy." "You know." "I actually called someone a bitch the other day." "Um. that was me." "And you were." "( theme music playing )" "( chuckles )" "( blows raspberry )" "( clicking tongue )" "When are you going to realize I'm not talking to you?" "Probably when you stop talking to me." "I just don't see why it was necessary to humiliate me at the Alamo desk." "I was just flirting with the cutie rent-a-guy." "By making fun of me." "Okay. so I don't know that much about cars." "Grace. he asked you if you wanted a V-6 or a V-8." "and you said you preferred a Diet Coke." " I was making a joke." " No. you weren't." "No." "I wasn't." "but that still does not excuse two gay guys sitting there laughing in my face." "Like I don't get enough of that at home." "You owe me an apology." " You really upset me." " Okay. okay." "I'm sorry you're upset." "Ho-ho!" "Interesting." "It had the word "sorry" in it." "but somehow it still made the whole thing my fault." "I'm sorry you see it that way." "Okay. there it is again." "Okay. do you think that maybe you could take a little bit of responsibility?" "!" "All right. all right." "I'm sorry that-- that when we were at the Alamo desk." "I chose this car." "because I coulda had a V-8!" "Lord. why did I agree to cook dinner for Stan on his birthday?" "I must have been sober or something." "Now. that'll never happen again." "Karen. trust me." "I can teach you." "I've had years of experience working under some of the finest chefs in New York." "Honey." "ease up on the Giorgio." "That was so nice of you." " Feels so good to help." " Yeah." "Come on. this'll be fun." "Will's away." "We can use his stuff. make a mess." "and we don't even have to clean up." "Hey. hey. hey. come on." "this is serious." "If you can't teach me how to cook." "I have to have sex with my husband." "So you better make it high fat." "because the only thing I want hardening that night are his arteries." "Ooh!" "A note." "I love notes." "Jack McFarland." "do not" " I repeat. do not." "under any circumstances." "enter this apartment." "I'm having my floors redone." "and I forbid you to walk on them." "Do you understand?" " What's it say?" " It's not for us." "Now." "Will just had the floors redone." "so we have to respect that." " Chh-chh-chh-chh..." " Whoo-whoo!" " Hello?" " ( Will knocks on door )" "Professor Dudley?" "It's Will and Grace." "I'll be right there!" "Oh!" "Did you hear that?" "He always knows just what to say." "( sighs )" "Will. smell this place." "It smells like knowledge." "Yeah. knowledge mixed with tomato soup and just a hint of A and D Ointment." " Ah." "Will Truman and Grace Adler." " Hey!" "Hi." "Professor." "If you've come for inspiration." "you're too late." "If you've come for the funeral." "you're too early." "( both laugh )" " Hey. you look great." " How've you been?" "How have I been?" "I loathe myself." "Now. who wants a wine cooler?" " Wow." " I know." "Maybe we should've come on a Tuesday." "Honey. there are a few too many things that are flaming in this kitchen." "Karen. would you relax?" "I'm toasting the croutons." "Ah!" "We're being robbed!" "Mrs. Walker." "we've been through this before." "Now." "I am not a prowler." "I am not a bartender." "I am not the black guy from "Designing Women."" "I am your lawyer. and maybe if you'd stop bobbing for olives for half a minute." "you might remember that." "Hm. you're kinda hot." "Jackie!" "Hello." "Benjamin." "Oh. you're still mad 'cause I beat you at racquetball?" "Uh. you know what." "Ben?" "My life's a little too hectic to be mad about losing a game or two." " Or 12." " Okay. we get it!" "You're huge." "You're sports cup runneth over." "Why are you here?" "ls Stan in trouble again?" "'Cause." "listen to me." "you tell that secretary of his." "one woman's sexual harassment is another woman's night off." "No." "No." "Will told me to stop by and pick up some papers. so I'm" "Jack. are you cooking that salad?" "'cause. you know. it's-- it's better when you don't." "Um." "Ben. we're buds." "we're love. we have history." "Um. if you look around." "this isn't the racquetball court." "I think you're a little bit out of your element here. okay?" "Well. actually. before I went to law school." "I was a chef." "I studied in Provence." "In fact." "I won an award for my coq au vin." "Yeah?" "And I won an award for my nyeah-nyeah-nyeah." "Okay!" "Well." "I'll remember that mood for when I beat you left-handed." " See you later." " Yeah. wait a minute. wait a minute." "wait a minute." "lawyer man." "hold on a second here." "Listen. we're in a crisis." "If I can't cook my husband rack of lamb for his birthday." "he's gonna be craving rack of me." "All right." "Well." "I'll help you." "but you have to say those magic words." " Billable hours." " Let's get it on." " But." "Karen" " Sorry. fruit. you're out of the loop." "Come on." "I" " I can't believe what I'm hearing." "I mean. this-- this is you." "How can you say your life has no meaning?" "Yeah." "I mean." "you had such an impact." "You-- you made me want to write." "So. you're a writer." "What have you written?" "Um." "Will wants to say something." "You-- you touched so many lives." "Does that not mean anything to you?" "I'm afraid that's all sound and fury signifying nothing." "Or. to put it in layman's terms..." "( blows raspberry )" "Did the wisest man we know just go..." "( blows raspberry )" "I believe he did." "And now. every other week." "I've got all these ex-students coming up here to visit me." "just because they've read" ""Tuesdays With Morrie."" "How unbearably pathetic." "Hmm." " How indeed." " Yeah." "We've never even read that book." "So. you haven't written anything and you haven't read anything." "I can see I've made a marvelous impact." "Uh." "I'm sorry." "This is like I'm talking to a different guy." "I mean. you used to be so positive and so upbeat." "Now. not to mention my role model as a-- as a strong gay man." "I mean. what-- what happened to you?" "Oh!" "Why do we always have to have dinner at your house?" "You know I have a house right next door." "Do you have any food over there?" "Do you have anything to eat with or on. that isn't covered in cat hair?" "You're starting with me?" "Very nice." "How about a little kindness." "you miserable old fairy?" "Will, Grace, this is Sharon Timmer." "she's my best friend in the whole world." "The pie is frozen." "You're serving them frozen pie?" "Dudley:" "The pie will thaw." "Sharon:" "When you're dead it'll thaw." "Sharon, you have all the charm ofa flesh-eating virus." "Are you gonna say it." "or am I gonna say it?" "I'm gonna say it." "You had way too many onions." "Not that!" "Them!" "They're us!" "They are not." "They're not us." "Will. when he put down the bottle of Correctol by her lamb chop." "she said. "Ew."" "I say "Ew."" "Will. she is exactly who I'm going to be." "Who knew I gas going to develop a taste for turquoise jewelry?" "I mean. ew." "Ah!" "Ew!" "Ah!" "Would you relax?" "You're blowing this way out of proportion." "Oh my God." "that's my china pattern." "Be sure not to bruise the lettuce." "You've got to treat this salad like a lover-- gently. sensually." "Are you getting it?" "Oh." "I'm getting something." "honey." "Hmm. doesn't look like much of a salad to me." "Where's the arugula?" "Where's the radicchio?" "Where's the Rwanda?" "Jack. one of those isn't a salad ingredient." "so much as a war-torn country in Africa." "Duh." "I sponsor a kid in Arugula." "Hi." "Ben." "So. the salad's done." "the risotto is cooking." "Let's talk wine." "Karen. you have any preference?" "Honey." "I'd suck the alcohol out of a deodorant stick." "so you're asking the wrong gal. okay?" "Karen. are you saying you don't care about the wine?" "No. honey." "I was just flirting with you." "Grace. you're such a lovely young lady." "Tell me." "how come you're not married?" "Oh. well. um." "I was engaged last year." "but it didn't work out." "Oh. really?" "Well. what happened?" " Sharon." " I'm just making conversation." "Joe." "So." "Grace. what made you not go through with it?" "Um. well." "we were just so different." "and I wasn't ready. and" " And Will didn't approve." " Sharon!" "Uh. well. no. he didn't." "but that's not why I didn't" "Because heaven forbid." "there should be any other man in your life besides Will." "Darling." "when the moonlight hits you like that." "I can just make out the venom glistening on your front fang." "Hey. hey. did anybody see that special on Discovery last night about the human liver?" "It is quite the filtration system." "Interesting organ. the liver." "Produces bile." "Joe." "I would imagine you'd have one the size of Utah." "Speaking of things the size of Utah." "have a seat." "Sharon." "Okay. stop. enough." "I can't take any more." "What-- what is the matter with you two?" "What do you mean. darling?" "Well. you-- you're awful to each other." "I mean. sulfites and digestive enzymes get along better that you two." "What?" "The liver has trouble breaking down sulfites" " Sweetie. no." " Oh." "I mean. you became friends for a reason." "What happened?" "Well. nothing happened per se." "In the course of a 30-year friendship." "bad patterns emerge." "difficulties arise." "It's impossible to pinpoint the" "December 15th. 1978!" "Faculty cocktail party!" "The topic was 19th century French literature." "You brought up Balzac." "and I thought you were making another one of your crude gay jokes." "So I responded and you mocked me in front of your whole department." "And the worst part is that you just wouldn't apologize for humiliating me like that." "Our relationship has never been the same." "Wait a minute. that-- that's it?" "That's what's eaten away at your friendship." "the way cirrhosis eats away at a human liver?" "Enough with the liver!" "And you." "Professor." "if you know that-- that all it would take is-- is an apology." "then apologize to your friend of 30 years." "My God." "she deserves at least that." "You're right." "You're right." "Sharon." "I'm sorry your education system failed you." "You don't know the difference between a 19th century novelist and a feeble pun unworthy of even Dick Cavett." "And Joseph. darling." "I'm sorry the only Balzac you've thumbed in the last 20 years sits on a dusty shelf in your study." " Hag!" " Queen!" "I'm sorry I always make you eat breakfast at my house." "I'm sorry I got you involved with "A Course ln Miracles."" "I'm sorry I took the batteries out of Mr. Good Vibrations and put them in my alarm clock." "That was you?" "I'm sorry." "Most of all." "I'm sorry I made fun of you at the rental place." "You know a lot about cars and you're a very good driver." "Thank you." "I really appreciate that." "So just. you know." "remember that" " the next time" " Grace. no!" "( car honks )" "Sorry." " Hag." " Queen." "Oh. darn." "I spilled all over my sweater." " No. you didn't." " No." "I didn't. but I made you look." "So." "Jack." "what do you think?" "Good?" "Mmm." "I've had better." "Jack. you cleaned your plate with your tongue." "Okay. fine." "I liked it. all right?" "It was fabulous." "You're a fabulous cook." "You know everything about everything." "But can you do this. hmm?" "All right." "can you do this. hmm?" "All right. that's it!" "I've had just about enough!" "I can't take any more of this. because you have shamed me here today." "And now it is my turn to shame you." "Now. there is one thing I know" "I know I can do better than you." "Really?" "What's that?" "Tap dance." " You think so. huh?" " Oh, yeah." "I must warn you." "I've studied with Tony Wing. the Chinese Fred Astaire." "Prepare to be amazed." "Karen. count me off. please." "Five. six. seven. eight." "Jack. wow." "I mean. you have it all over me." " I fold." " Wise man." "Now." "if you'll excuse me." "I have to go to the little girl's room." " What?" " Are you kidding. honey?" "Five. six. seven. eight!" "What are you two toasting about?" "Your victory. honey." " Oh. thank you." " Jack." "Look." "Ben. don't be so hard on yourself. okay?" "It took me years to get that good." "( theme music playing )"