"AQUAMOM" " Six." " Are you out of your mind, Drama?" "That girl was perfect." "Excuse me, sweetheart." "How would you like to come to a movie premiere Wednesday night?" ""Aquaman"?" " I'd love to." " Here you go." " See you there." " Thanks." "See you there." ""Six" my ass, Drama." "She was a six to me." "And I wouldn't have given her a ticket." "50 hot girls have walked by, guy's had a problem with every one." " That's 'cause none will look at him." " What was wrong with her?" "She was top-tall, bro." "What the fuck is top-tall?" "Torso's too long, legs are too short." " She was inverted." " Your brain's inverted." "I don't have to defend my rating system." "Every girl I've given a ticket to has been at least an eight." "And what do you rate, Drama?" "I'm just curious." "Blow me, E. I don't have to rate, I'm holding the cards." "Not many cards left." "How many did you guys give out anyway?" "Just the right amount." "Yeah, it's like chumming for sharks, Vince." "You throw enough blood and guts in the water, you're bound to catch a great white." "Yeah, except there's gonna be 50 girls at the party who all show up thinking they're your dates." "And what happens when 50 sharks show up looking for their goodies, E?" "Feeding frenzy." "Whatever." "We got Ari in 30." "Let's roll." "Let's do it." "Hey." "10!" " Last ticket." " Our work here is done." "Excuse me!" "Jesus Christ!" "Lloyd!" "What the fuck is this?" " Your finger." " It's dust, Lloyd." "It's fucking dust." "Why is it here?" "The cleaning staff's on strike." "You know that." "They strike, you work." "You're Asian." "You're supposed to be a neat freak." "Go get a rag." "You're nervous Vince is coming up." " Lloyd!" " It's the agent, Ari, not the office." "And you do have a lovely view." "It's West fucking Hollywood, Lloyd!" "And what I got is nine people in 1400 square feet." "Now go grab a rag." "Go!" "I want every desk sterile enough for you to get trained on." "Lloyd!" "Look at this." "What a dump." "You could use the exercise anyway, fat boy." "Yeah, why don't you race me up, you 50-year- old cocksucker?" "Hey, Lloyd." " Hey." " Hey, Lloyd, you might want to tell someone the elevator's out." "I would tell someone, Johnny Drama, but who?" "Do you guys need a quarter to feed the meter?" "No, we're all good, Lloyd." "You telling me I couldn't be repped at this shithole?" "You've been repped at bigger shitholes, right?" " What's the good word, boys?" " Ari!" "Hey, Ari." "Hey, the place is, uh, it's really..." " it's nice." " Thanks, Drama." "How're you doing?" "Still no agent." "What do you say?" "I say that it's important that whoever reps you cares about you, right?" " Right." " Right." "Vinnie, E, let's go." "Awful." "Just awful." "So boys, boys, big week." "Big week." "The kind of week that you will remember your whole lives." "Like the week that you got your first blowjob." "Do you remember that week?" "I do." "Ninth grade." "One of the boys on the chess team, Ari?" "Oh, E. You could never have gotten this girl." "Never." "Beth Mariposa had a mouth like a Dyson vacuum." "You know, never lost suction" "Okay, Ari, big week." "Why are we here?" " I want to talk business." " Okay, shoot." "Who are you taking to the premiere?" "Shauna says you're rolling solo." " No, I'm gonna roll with the boys." " No, no, no." "You're not gonna roll the red carpet with the three musketeers." " Not this time." " It's only two." "I'm bringing Sloan." "Perfect." "Let Vinnie walk the rug with her." "She's way too hot for you anyway." " He's worried." " Definitely." " What am I worried about?" " The movie." "You're worried it's not gonna open." "This is why we should've taken a job." "Should we have taken another job, Ari?" "You take a job after we open." "Any job you want." "He always said "you take your next job" " "before the last one opens."" " That was your quote." "Yeah, but I amended that quote when you got James Cameron and the biggest movie ever." " He's nervous." " Definitely." "Boys, I am not nervous." "We are all good." "But this is the biggest night of your life." "This is your coming out party." "This ain't "head on."" "We want to make a statement." "A statement that says," ""I am a man now, not a boy."" "Come on, let's be classy." "You've been banging every girl west of Sepulveda for the past six months." "Just pick the one skank that's gonna photograph well and be done with it." "Boom!" " Hey!" " That does sound classy." "E, for the love of God, help me out here." "Look, I agree it's a big night." "Okay?" "And if you're gonna take someone you got to be smart." "This girl's gonna be linked to you for a long time" " so she's got to be premiere-worthy." " Okay." "All right." "I just don't think any of my west of Sepulveda skanks fit the bill." "Bottom line, there's only one woman in my life who really is premiere-worthy." " Who?" " Ma." "Aquamom!" "I love it." "Boom!" "There's no way Ma's coming to L.A., bro." " No way." " We'll see." "You've never gotten her to come before." "What makes you think she'll come now?" " She won't." " No way." " We'll see." " Why do you keep saying we'll see?" " I've got a plan." " What kind of plan?" "You'll see." "Power 106, Big Boi's Neighborhood." "Vincent Chase is in the hood!" "The movie is "Aquaman." Premieres Wednesday." "It's huge." "It's everywhere." "My question to you, Vince, is how is it?" "I begged Ma to come to my "Viking Quest" DVD release party." "She said no." "What would possibly get her to come to this?" "Look at these two." "One on the left is from the 50 Cent video." "Video hos." "I love it." "What the fuck are you looking at?" "I'm just playing with you, sweetie." "Flirty video hos." "Even better." " So, Big Boi, I need a favor." " Anything for Aquaman." "I got you." "I need you to call the most beautiful woman in the world and ask her if she'll be my date for the premiere." "That's done." "Watch this." "Get Halle Berry on the phone for him, man." "Actually, Halle Berry doesn't even hold a candle to this woman." "Okay, now you know-- roll him out." "That's blasphemy." "That'll get you cut up in here." " It's my mother." " Okay, sorry." " Good plan." " We'll see." "Ma will not cave in to public pressure." "No way." " Hello?" "Yeah." " Hello, Mrs. Chase?" "How're you doing?" "It's Big Boi." "You're live on the radio." "Power 106 in Los Angeles." "If I haven't won anything, let me save you the time." " Hey, Ma, don't hang up." " Vincent, is that you?" "Yes, Ma, and we're live so don't curse." "Please don't curse." "What do you mean we're live?" "Don't do this to me." "Look, I'm standing here in a robe." "Don't do this to me." "Ma, no one can see you." "Calm down and don't curse." "What am I, some kind of animal?" "Will you please stop saying that?" " Is your brother with you?" " Yeah, Ma, he's outside." "Has he gotten any work yet?" "Ma, don't worry about Johnny." "He's fine." "We'll talk about him later." "I want to talk to you, okay?" "You're brothers?" " Yeah." " I'm a close cousin." "Over the radio you need to talk to me?" "What are you up to?" "I want you to come to the L.A. premiere with me." "Vincent, this is not the forum for this discussion." " She is not coming." " Of course she's not coming." " What's the issues?" " She doesn't like to travel." " That's an issue." " All right, all right." "I don't need the whole world thinking I'm a lunatic, Vincent." "Look, I haven't been out of New York in 30 years, okay?" " She's breaking." " Not even close." " And putting me live on the radio" " Ma, you know what?" "Just forget about the 100 million potentially heartbroken listeners" " and listen to me for a second." " Oh, fuck, Vincent." "Whoa, Mrs. Chase!" " Mama gangster." " I knew she'd curse." " That's 'cause she's breaking." " No way." " Ma." " Yeah, baby?" "I love you and I've never pressured you to come out." "Not for any of my premieres, not when I bought my house." "But I didn't realize what a big night this was till a little while ago." "And it's important to me that I share it with you." "So I'll send a boat, I'll send a plane." "I'll do whatever I have to do, but I want you by my side when I walk down that red carpet." " This is moving shit." " Still won't work." " Ma?" " Vince." " Yeah?" " All right." "I will do it." "I'm coming." "Yes!" "You got yourself a date!" "You got yourself a date!" "Got yourself a date!" "You got yourself a date!" "I can't believe it." "She better come to my next premiere." "Hey, why don't you guys take us to this premiere?" " Yeah." " Absolutely." "There's no more tickets." "What do you guys want from me?" " We want more tickets." " Just two." "Don't make a big deal out of it." "I'm still stinging from the knowledge that Ma favors Vince." "Ari gave you guys 50 tickets." "You want more have Vince call him and ask him." "That's it." "Vince, will you please call Ari and ask him for two more tickets?" " No." " Oh please, Vince!" "We peaked too early." "You can't push us for that." "Yeah, how were we supposed to know best in show would appear so late?" "Let me ask you a question:" "what's so special about these two, huh?" "These two will fuck us if we take 'em." " Guaranteed." " How do you know?" "'Cause they said "if you take us we'll fuck you"." "Call Ari." "Are these for Vince or are they more for Turtle and Drama?" " They're for Vince, Ari." " Don't lie to me, E." "Ari, your business manager's on the phone." "I'm in the gym until 11:30, Lloyd." "I need two more tickets for Vince." "We don't have any more." "Take two from Jimmy Woods, he never uses them all anyway." "Okay, but your business manager, Ari." "The gym, Lloyd." "The fucking gym!" "It's pretty urgent." "It's pretty urgent that in the 15 minutes a day" "I have free I take the time to keep this body fit." "And not just so you have a great ass to look at" "I want to live." "Ari, he says you bounced a check to your kids' school." "So you'll just send those tickets over, Ari?" "Thanks." "Okay, no wonder everyone at the book drive was staring at me." "They were staring at you because you're hot, okay?" "Look at all the other mommies." "They're ugly." "This is so humiliating." "I had no idea we were in this bad of trouble, Ari." "Look, it's not like this was tuition." "This was our charitable donation." "25,000-bucks-a-year tuition so a six-year-old can play with blocks and they still want a charitable donation?" "I mean, this won't even affect our kids." "We'll never have to see the kids this affects." "Ari, tell me what you need now." "Now that you ask, we've got to pay off the staff," " we've got rent on the office" " What's the number?" " I need 100 grand." " Jesus!" "Come on, baby." "I'm on fumes here." "It'll float me until I get the settlement from Terrance." "Well, I have dipped into my personal savings five times already." "What's mine is yours." " Sell your car." " Sell your fucking watch." "You eat at the palm four nights a week." "Do I ever order the lobster?" "No, I order the gigi salad and I sign clients." "Honey, the master plan is happening here." "The seeds have been planted all over this town." "You know that." "Honey, they just need a little water." "You keep telling me that but when are they gonna grow?" "Vinnie opens on Friday." "He is the first seed to bloom." "He's gonna be the biggest movie star on the planet." " You know that." " No, Ari." "I don't." "Well, you need to know that I know that, okay?" "And you need to trust me the way you trust your daddy's trust fund." "All right?" "You call them personal savings" " but you haven't saved shit personally." " Whatever, Ari." "My father put that money aside for me in case something happened to us and it's almost gone." "But we're still here and I could've banged Heidi Klum when she was 23 but I took a pass, okay?" "What the fuck is gonna make me leave now?" "You could die." "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Not until I saw that the life insurance check didn't bounce." "Oh, what do you think about this?" "Oh, I like it." "Ma would look great in that." "What about this?" " Look how excited you are." " Does that make me a pussy?" "No, it makes you a man." "And a very handsome one." " Now what size is she?" " I don't know." "E?" "A:" "I don't know women's dress sizes and B:" "I don't look at your mom's body." "You don't?" "I look at your mom's." "Shut the fuck up." "We'll take this whole rack in different sizes." "Nice when you're on commissions, huh, sweetheart?" "Now let's go find me a dress that makes my tits pop." "Jeez, and you have me walking up." "Do you know how much these shoes cost?" "Of course I know how much they cost, Stephanie." "I fucking paid for them." "And you told me I was gonna meet Jim Cameron." "When did that happen?" "Oh, it's Jim now." "We were supposed to have lunch last week." " Jim Cameron, I love that." " You know what?" "Now where are we?" "This fucking place." " This way." " How do you know?" " I don't know." " Yeah, you don't know." "Please." "Fucking elevator's broken, Lloyd." "Are you aware of that?" "Yes." "Hi, Mr. Woods." "So this is the shithole he's been working out of, huh?" " You haven't been up here yet?" " No," "He's hiding this place like Anne Frank." " Um..." " Hey, get your own girlfriend." "Mr. Woods, did you get your premiere tickets?" "Some of them, Lloyd." "Some." " Hello?" " Johnny Drama, it seems that we made a terrible mistake." "The tickets we sent you yesterday actually belong to James Woods." "Oh yeah?" "That sucks." "Uh, yes, it sucks." "And I need them back." " No go." " Fuck that." "Uh, Johnny" "Lloyd, possession is two-fifths of the law." " Just get Woods two more." " Turtle, there are no more and Mr. James Woods is very unhappy and he wants them back." "Sorry, bro, but you tell Jimmy Woods-- and this is coming from me personally-- if he wants them he can come and get them." "Fuck Jimmy Woods." "I heard." "This is for your premiere date?" " He's taking his mother." " Oh, that's really sweet." "I don't know, I can't decide." "Should I just take them all?" "Yeah, if you're desperate for frequent flyer mileage." "I'm gonna take them all." "Uh, here, take my card too." "In case you need anything else." "Why don't you just say what you really mean, hon?" "Hello?" "Eric, it's your other mother." "Hey, Rita." "Why aren't you on the plane?" " Eric, is Vince with you?" " Yeah, are you okay?" " Hold on." " No, don't get him." "Don't get him." "Look, I'm at the airport." "I can't do it." "I can't get on the plane." "I've been sitting in the limo for over an hour." " Did you miss your flight?" " Honey, I'm not coming." " Hold-- let me put Vince on." " No don't, please." "I just can't have him guilt-tripping me about this right now." "Tell him I love him." "Tell him I miss him." " Tell him to wear a suit." " Rita!" "Tell him I'm very sorry." "Bye bye." " Ari?" " No, it was you mother." "She's not on the plane?" "Sweetie, just calm, okay?" "Of course." "Holy shit, it's Woods." " Hey, Drama, it's Jimmy Woods." " What?" " Hello?" " Hey, Drama, hey." "Hey, it's Jimmy Woods." "I need my tickets." "Uh, what tickets, Jimmy?" "Drama, look, I got a-- I got a big day for the-- you know, I got to get a facial." "Just give me the fucking tickets." " Uh..." " No." "No." "How about-- how about you got five seconds to give me my fucking tickets?" "Five." "Or what?" "You gonna huff and puff and blow the house down?" "How about I'm gonna knock this fucking door down and come in there and shove your head up Turtle's ass?" "Give me my fucking tickets!" "You got five seconds!" "Five!" "You pussy." "A clever pussy." "There are no tickets in that envelope." "Wow." "Sneaky sneaky." " Fuck with me, huh?" " Just remember your blood pressure." "No, don't-- ah, my blood pressure up the ass, okay?" "I've got medicine." "I've got medicine for this shit." "I've got so many fucking pills I feel like I'm working for Pfizer." " Come here." " All right." "Hey, I'll see you tomorrow night, Vince!" "And up your ass!" "I've got it." "Jessica Biel." " Take Jessica Biel, Vince." " I don't know Jessica Biel, Turtle." "So get to know her and get to bang her." " Or get to know her so I can bang her." " Okay, I'll do my best." "You don't want to take someone famous, bro." "Why not?" "They'll overshadow him." "I learned that from Tom sizemore when he brought Heidi Fleiss to the "Black Hawk Down" premiere." "Bringing a hooker's probably not a good idea either, Drama." "I wasn't going with Ma for the press and I'm not going with anybody else for the press." "I'll go by myself." "It's not that big a deal." "Thanks for dinner, Johnny." "I'm gonna go get changed." "Meeting the jewelry store girl." "He's bummed." "He loves strawberries." "Ma must be bummed too." "She's missing something big." "Nah, Ma doesn't care if she misses things as long as no one else she knows catches her." "Ma can be very petty." "What?" "What's with the look?" " I've got a plan." " What, now he's got a plan?" "For my Ma, everyone's got a plan." "I hope you're not thinking what I hope you're not thinking." "What do you hope he's not thinking?" " Make the call to her." " I'm not making the call." "I'm making the call, you're making the call." "Now make the fucking call." " What call?" " This will ruin the whole night." "It's not your night, it's Vince's night." "Make the call." "Fuck." " What time is it back east?" " 10:30." "Will someone please tell me how you did this?" "Oh, quit your whining." "Seriously, what do you want to ruin the surprise for?" "Just worry about how you're gonna get Ma to my next big event, bro." "The good news is you'll have plenty of time to plan for that one." "You're funny." "Ma!" "Ma!" "I can't believe this." "How did you do it?" "Holy shit!" "Ms. Jericho!" "Yeah, it's real funny." "Best pussy night of the year and we just destroyed it." "Hey, Ma!" "Always hugs him first." "I am your firstborn, Ma." "Did you bring a dress, Ma?" "No, I'm gonna wear this on the red carpet." " Fucking idiot." " Nice way to travel, isn't it?" "Yeah, but where is Sloan?" "I'm dying to meet her." "Soon, mom, soon." "You're gonna meet her tonight at the premiere." "I'm glad I came." "This is gonna be fun." " Limo's coming at 6:30." " I'll be back." "Pick up my suit from the tailor?" "I'm going to the fucking tailor, all right?" "So I can pick up the new $5,000 suit that I fucking paid for." "What?" "I've heard a lot worse come out of your wife's mouth, Phil!" "When you're doing a comic book character it's even more critical that everything be absolutely real." "So we had to devise a way for Vince to really breathe underwater." " Turtle, Drama!" " Hey!" " Do you have our tickets?" " We couldn't get 'em." " Who's that animal?" " What do you mean you couldn't get 'em?" "I just got my hair pressed for this shit." "Next time, ladies, next time." "I play Avedon, a brutal and corrupt businessman hellbent on world domination, so I'm not sure how I really identify with such a character." "Oh hey!" "Whoa, look at this!" "Look at this." "Now here's the real star of the Chase family," "Johnny Chase, huh?" "Johnny Chase." "God, this guy-- did you ever see "Viking Quest," huh?" "Well, you're probably too young." "I love this guy!" "Johnny Chase, nice to see you." "Okay, buddy, take it easy." " Big movie, you look handsome." " Thank you very much," " and you look lovely." " Thank you." " So tell me: how do you feel?" " Oh, I feel great." "I'm so proud to be part of this movie and James Cameron is simply a genius." "What can I say?" "Yes, he is." "He's coming up right behind you." "Okay, don't party too late tonight." "If they don't like the movie, reshoots 8:00 am tomorrow." "Okay." " He's serious too." " Go get 'em, Vinnie." " He looks good out there." " He's gonna be a huge star." " You really believe that?" " I know it." " Vincent, over here!" " I trust you." " But still no lobsters." " I love you."