"Jack Stiles, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" "Sorry, Em, I didn't see you there." "Well, can't you wait until I'm done?" "Well, I'd love to, but nature calls, and the last time you caught me over the sink, you almost had a heart attack." "Very well." "At least close your eyes." "Hey, that goes for you, too, sister." "I wouldn't wanna scare you." "(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)" "Remind me to put a litter box out for you." "Hey, why don't you put a bowl of food out while you're at it?" "There's nothing to eat in this dump." "Yes, because it was your turn to buy the groceries." "Well, you always hate everything I buy." "Yes, well, you do that on purpose so that I do all the work, don't you?" "No comment." "Have you finished yet?" "Relax, will you?" "A certain morning condition has to be unrectified before things get flowing." "(SIGHS) Besides, what's the rush?" "It's Sunday." "Yes, but you know what they say." "A spy's work is never done." "Yeah." "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." "Sorry, Jack." "We received a secret communiqué last night." "It seems my very own King George III is arriving from England today." "Oh, that's great." "Now we get to spend our Sunday babysitting a royal pain." "(SCREAMS)" "(LAUGHING)" "Put these over there." "Straight ahead." "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) It is true." "King George is coming." "Napoleon asked that I invite His Majesty to discuss a possible peace accord with England." "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) We did not want word of his visit getting out." "For his own protection." "Emilia, my dear, perhaps you have an idea why he is called "Mad King George"?" "No, I'm not so sure." "Perhaps he has a bit of a temper." "Well, if I was a stuffy Brit, I'd be mad, too." "(STOMPS JACK'S FOOT)" "(FANFARE)" "His Majesty, the King of England." "(CROWD GASPING)" "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "His Majesty, King George III." "(PEOPLE MURMURING)" "Okay, ollie, ollie, oxen free." "(HENS CLUCKING)" "Quite frankly, this ship has the most comfortable feather beds." "What's another word for "mad"?" "Insane." "Unbalanced." "Lunatic." "(EXCLAIMING)" "A few crumpets short of a high tea." "What an adventure!" "Chooks, crowns and coronets." "(CLUCKING)" "(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won" "And Uncle Sam's favorite son" "Had a job he needed done" "Which brought Jack to a lady" "Both beautiful and smart" "Who found his mix intriguing" "A scoundrel with a heart!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "There was never a leatherneck braver" "A daring dragoon is he!" "He'll halt the bold advance" "Of Napoleon's attack" "There ain't a French or pirate rogue" "Who don't know Jack!" "From the Halls of Montezuma" "To the shores of Tripoli" "Sailin' 'round the bloody world" "To defend democracy" "And when ya need a fightin' man" "To trust or watch your back" "Just ask the bloke right next to ya" "Damn right!" "It's Jack!" "Lower the drawbridge." "You are surrounded." "Never." "This castle shall never fall, you godless heathens!" "Would you pass me the gravy boat, please, young man?" "Yeah, sure, if you pass me some of what you're having." "(WHISPERING) Pig!" "Oh." "Perhaps this moat will change your minds." "(FEIGNING SOBBING) Oh!" "Oh, no." "No, not the moat!" "(KING GEORGE GURGLING) Not the moat." "Well, that'll keep you out." "How about something that'd keep the little voices out?" "I'm sure His Highness is simply using his time away from the throne to unwind, let loose." "That's funny." "I let loose when I'm on the throne." "(WHISPERING) Pig." "(CUTLERY CLATTERING)" "What a lovely diamond." "Yes, it was a gift from my husband upon our engagement." "He is, believe it or not, a man of occasional taste." "Your Majesty." "Oui, oui?" "Before the peace talks begin, we have a little surprise for you." "(EXCLAIMS)" "I love surprises." "(LUCIANNI SINGING LONG, HIGH-PITCHED NOTE)" "What, can't hold your liquor?" "Everyone, meet Lucianni." "(EXCLAIMING)" "My wife informs me that you are a great fan of the opera." "And so, to commemorate your visit, we have engaged the most renowned tenor in all of Europe to perform a very special opera." "One I have written myself." "(EXCLAIMS)" "I simply love opera." "The opera is, in fact, based on the life story of Governor Croque, monsieur." "Croque Monsieur is my favorite sandwich." "Not Croque Monsieur." "Governor Croque." "Oh." "What sort of sandwich is that?" "I'd say baloney." "Hmm." "Well, your opera sounds delectably delicious." "Perhaps you would let me have a premature perusal?" "Now, now, now, we wouldn't want to spoil it for you." "The only thing you need to know is that Lucianni will be playing moi." "Eh?" "(CUTLERY CLATTERING)" "And you are all invited." "(CLEARING THROAT)" "Well, there goes my Sunday night." "Oh, inclement weather." "I think it's going to rain." "Hurry up!" "(SNORING)" "Wakie, wakie, Jack." "Oh, can't a guy get a little Monday R and R?" "Look." "(MACHINE BEEPING) I've just made this device for detecting metals." "And it just located a bracelet I lost months ago." "Oh, that's so great." "Now I can sleep at night knowing you're fully accessorized." "This is going to enable us to find hidden weaponry." "Wow." "Stolen treasure." "Oh, boy." "(BEEPING RAPIDLY)" "What have we here?" "Pilfered cutlery." "Pilfered..." "Really, Jack." "Must I check your pockets every time we lunch at the Governor's mansion?" "Well, hey, I was just hiding the knives from that crackpot King of yours." "I've had just about enough of your joking at the King's expense." "He's a brilliant leader." "He's just..." "Wacko?" "I was going to say eccentric." "Well, fine." "Then he doesn't need us around to cramp his style." "Oh, please." "Do you really think the King's here to discuss peace?" "Until we find out the truth, we'd best keep an eye on him." "Okay." "Where could he have gone?" "Probably to join the circus." "Jack, be serious." "All right, all right, now think." "Wait a minute." "He said he wanted to watch that prima donna rehearse, which could mean only one thing, sister." "(SNICKERS) Looks like rehearsal's over." "Good." "Well, that's a wrap." "Where do you think you're going?" "Look, I gotta tell you." "Theater's no place for a real man, okay?" "This is for sissies who prance around in tights." "Sounds like your day job." "For your information, they are not tights and I do not prance." "I swagger." "Oh, is that what you call it?" "Okay, look... (DOOR OPENING)" "CAMILLE:" "Right this way, Lucianni." "We'll be quite alone in here." "(CHUCKLING)" "I want to discuss the plan for tonight." "(CLEARING THROAT) Plan?" "What plan?" "Oh, don't mind Pierre." "He's only my personal guard." "He wouldn't dare say anything to my bumbling husband or his imbecile captain, would you, mon petit éclair?" "Now, are you sure everything will go as planned?" "Oh, sí, seòora." "When I hit my high note tonight, the King is sure to enjoy a killer performance." "Good." "Then, Emperor Napoleon will capture England while its people grieve for their fallen leader." "Oh, my God, Jack, they're going to kill the King at the opera." "I saw an opera once." "I hope they put me out of my misery, too." "(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)" "Oh, Pierre." "Have you taken the precautions I instructed, should the Dragoon arrive to ruin our evening?" "Mmm-hmm." "(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)" "Hello." "Is this the Royal Box?" "(GIGGLING) Welcome, Your Majesty." "(AUDIENCE GASPING)" "(CLUCKING)" "(WOMAN GIGGLING)" "Oh, how exciting." "(SINGING) Here comes the Governor Everyone make way" "No man could be virile as me" "Hey, what'd you bring that for?" "(WHISPERING) We can find the assassin using this." "It should lead us straight to the weapon." "(WHISPERING) Not bad, sister." "Okay, now we'll split up." "You take the back section." "Search any suspicious characters." "I'll take the front." "Okay." "(WHISPERING) Oh, Emilia." "If you go through the lobby, get me some popcorn." "Not too much butter, though." "(AUDIENCE SHUSHING)" "(SINGING) See how his very presence does impose" "He looks great in white hose" "Check out my tushy" "He's really trim" "ALL:" "We all admire him" "Excuse me, pardon me." "Coming through." "(AUDIENCE MUMBLING INDIGNANTLY)" "Let me see that." "You're lucky." "Hey, buddy, you packing, huh?" "Let's see what you got." "(SINGING) Croque is our hero!" "Croque is so brave!" "Don't be afraid I'll nab that knave" "(MACHINE BEEPING)" "What's under there?" "(MAN GRUMBLING)" "You ought to see some of these." "(SINGING) Tell me, how can he be so young and fair?" "What a thick head of hair" "What's in here, huh?" "(BEEPING RAPIDLY)" "Eureka!" "(BEEPING STOPS)" "Hi." "(GASPS)" "You're clean." "(SINGING) He's just the best there is Creme de la creme" "Croque is the empire's gem." "Hey, not so fast." "What?" "Oh, you thought you could get away with it, huh?" "With what?" "No outside food or drink allowed inside the theatre." "I'll be taking these." "Now beat it." "MAN:" "You're nuts." "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Hey." "Hey, hey, hey!" "(MACHINE BEEPING)" "Care for a nut?" "Between you and the King, I think I've had enough." "All I turned up was some loose change." "Oh, just enough for a caramel apple." "(AUDIENCE BOOING)" "(AUDIENCE HISSING)" "You know, everyone's a critic." "Oh, there, there." "Art often imitates life." "(KING GEORGE CHORTLING)" "(YELLING)" "Don't touch me." "Don't touch me, I'm the King!" "(ALL CHATTERING)" "(KING GEORGE YELLING)" "Jack, we're running out of time and we still haven't found the weapon." "So much for my brilliant plan." "Nothing personal, Em, but this gizmo of yours is worthless." "(MACHINE BEEPING RAPIDLY)" "Hey, you hear that?" "Sounds like your machine." "(BOTH GASP)" "Oh, son of a gun." "Gotcha!" "Looks like the assassin has stepped out for refreshments." "Well, it's refreshing that he left his gun." "Well, unless they sell bullets at the snack bar, I'd say we've been duped." "(ALL EXCLAIMING)" "(AUDIENCE GASPING)" "(SINGING) I'm so ugly and I'm so weak" "So ashamed I can hardly speak" "Am I embarrassed?" "Don't even ask" "I'm just a wimp hiding behind a mask" "(CHORUS) He's not daring and he's not bold" "We can't believe that the Dragoon's so old" "He's so puny and he's so meek" "Just listen close and you can hear him squeak" "Squeak?" "Oh, if I wasn't a public figure, I'd sue." "(SINGING) ... better off dead" "JACK:" "That's not funny." "That casting is libelous." "(SHUSHING) Okay." "Okay, who produces this crap?" "(SINGING) What made him think he was a match for Croque?" "(CHORUS) What a disgrace he's such a chump" "(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Take off the cape You'll probably find his hump" "ALL:" "Le miserable" "Can't carry a tune" "We're all fed up with the boring" "Dragoon" "(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)" "Oh, my God!" "The gun's on stage." "That's how they're going to kill him!" "Em, you're right." "It's a direct shot." "(SNICKERING)" "Never leave home without it." "(SINGING) Present arms" "Their guns are raised!" "Yeah, yeah." "(SINGING) Ready" "(GASPING)" "What... (SINGING) Aim" "What's the matter?" "I think I have stage fright." "(JACK LAUGHING)" "(SINGING) Fire!" "The Dragoon." "(CHUCKLING)" "Well, now I'm a hardened criminal." "The Dragoon!" "Get him!" "Well, you heard him." "No, no, no!" "The one who is not tied up!" "All right." "Sorry I'm not very good at death scenes." "(BOTH GRUNTING)" "Oh, but you're not bad." "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, take a bow." "(GRUNTING)" "(GRUNTING)" "He's ruining my plan!" "He's ruining my opera!" "Pierre, get down there!" "Brogard, get down there!" "Oui, Governor." "Oh, this is better than the play." "Do it again!" "Oh, trying to upstage me, eh?" "(GRUNTING)" "(JACK LAUGHING)" "(PULLEY SQUEAKING)" "I always knew I'd bring down the house." "(PIERRE GROANS)" "Don't quit your day job." "Now beat it, loser." "(WHIMPERING)" "As for you, one move and I'll pop you." "Au contraire." "The opera is never over until the fat man sings." "(SINGING HIGH NOTE)" "You said it was a real diamond!" "(SOBBING)" "What a beauty!" "(GROANS)" "(AUDIENCE SIGHING)" "Bravo!" "Encore, sir!" "Encore!" "They love me." "Thank you." "Thank you very much." "MAN:" "This way, Pierre." "Hey." "How wonderful!" "(BOTH SOBBING)" "Don't let him get away!" "Got to go!" "Again." "Captain Brogard." "Arrest this man." "BROGARD:" "On what charge, madame?" "Attempted murder." "(ALL GASPING)" "You'll never work in this town again!" "(MUFFLED CRY)" "You could not do me justice." "You are a talentless hack." "Your Majesty." "Hope you enjoyed your stay, Your Royal Crackpotness." "(WHISPERS) Jack." "Oh, that's quite all right." "I take it as a compliment." "Your Highness?" "I once played chess with Napoleon, and learnt one thing." "He only moves if he thinks he can predict your response." "If he believes you are unpredictable, he won't move at all." "(KING GEORGE CACKLING)" "Well, what do you know?" "I knew it all along, the big faker." "WOMAN:" "I love you, too!" "Bon voyage!" "(WHOOPING)" "Bon voyage!" "Bon voyage!" "Well, I suppose there is a fine line between madness and genius." "Hey, since I went to your stuffy opera, you're coming with me tonight." "Dare I ask where?" "To a cock fight." "I got 10 bucks on a rooster called Pecker." "Pecker?" "Oh, my dear Jack, everyone knows that Pecker is expected to lose three-to-one to my personal favorite," "Feathers Graciano." "Well, yank my doodle, you're a sports fan." "Hmm." "Hey, care to put your money where your mouth is?" "Yes, but don't come crying to me if your Pecker doesn't perform in public." "JACK: (CHUCKLING) Wouldn't be the first time."