"Based on true events" "It's great of him to let us move in a week early." " Everything's arranged, right?" " Sure." "I called him yesterday." "We can move in tomorrow." " Hi." "Well, here we are." " Come in." " It's nice of you to let us move in." " No problem." "We really appreciate it." "Somehow we sold our place before we'd found a new one." " Can I measure up?" " Measure away." " We're going to love it here." " Well, I have." " Did we talk about the sandbox?" " I don't think we did." " Are you going to take it with you?" " Well, unless you want it..." " I think we do." " Yes." " Have you got children, then?" " We're planning to have some." " So you don't have any yet?" " Nope." " How many have you got?" " Seven." "Seven?" "Wow." "Respect." "I just borrow them." "They're not mine." "I'm a childminder." " You're a childminder?" " Yes." " One man all alone with seven kids?" " Sure..." "It's his job." " I think it's great for men to..." " I think so too." " But don't the neighbours talk?" " What about?" "Well, in this day and age..." "There was that case in France." "No, Belgium." "With the pedophile." " What do you mean?" " Well, maybe the neighbours..." " Are you calling me a pedophile?" " No." "Frank is a pigheaded country boy, so don't mind him." "What with Michael Jackson and Marc Dutroux..." "Let's stop now and stick to the lease that says you move in in a week." "This is just too much." " It was a stupid thing to say." " And that's that." "Some touchy childminder, I tell you." "You never call anyone a pedophile unless you catch them in the act." " Male childminders are unnatural." " I don't agree." " It's great for kids to..." "Yes?" " I'm sorry." "Only sea horse males care for their young." " Lots of animals care for their..." " Only sea horses do it full-time." " What about penguins?" " They have joint custody." " What do you want me to do?" " Sign here and here." "Anyway, we're up the creek, housing-wise." "We're homeless." " How many days?" " Six." "You're staying with us." "And that's final." " What about Iben?" " She's going to love it." " We'd really appreciate it." " It's my pleasure and my duty." "We've got a guest room and the kids are away." " We'd like to take you up on that." " Casa tua... en la casa." " My house is your house." " Thanks a million." " Let me just clear it with Iben." " I told you she'd mind." "No, let me just clear it with her." " Cheers." "Great to see you." " Great to be here." " It's really nice of you." " The pleasure is all ours." " Where are the children?" " They're at their mum's and dad's." "They'll be back in a few days and my son is so excited about it." "He loves Frank." "And you haven't lifted a finger for it." " Isn't their confirmation coming up?" " They're five and eight, so not yet." "Frank is quite the expert on kids." "You've never minded an infant, eh?" "Not by myself." "I've been in the presence of infants." " Ever changed a nappy?" " No." " Well, he will soon." " What?" "Are you pregnant?" " No, but we're working on it." " You're actually working on it?" " That's wonderful." "Did you know?" " Yes, I knew that." "They've been shagging for years and now they want to see results." "That's great." "My boy is five, your daughter is eight." "They're ready for a younger sibling." "We could do it together." " One pink and one blue pram." " Only we're not having any more." "We're not having any more children." "It's a nice thought, but no." "You can just flat out reject the notion." "I made it clear from the beginning." "I don't want any more children." "You just don't get it." "At the mere mention of a pram   or a baby sling or someone who's shat themselves, " " I have to listen to your baby talk, and I'm sick and tired of it!" " Lovely dinner." " Delicious, Iben." " Did you use yoghurt..." " At least someone's happy!" " Well, we struck out again." " Did you just do a test?" " How many lines should there be?" " Two." "You got one line, impressive." "Since there were none to begin with." "I want you to have your sperm checked." "Think there's something wrong with it?" " I don't know." " Oh, bloody hell!" "I'm really upset now." "Maybe my trunks are too tight." "I'm going to bin this." "As if Mia pisses in our kitchen." "Come on, who else could it be?" " You want to know, so ask them." " Did you piss on this in my kitchen?" " No." "See?" "Don't lie to me." " It could be ours, actually." "I told you so." "I told you!" " Jerk!" " Look..." "I'm really sorry, but it's Mia's." " Why didn't you bin it?" " I forgot." "It's great to have you here, but it affects our..." "Just give me an apology and get it over with." "Sit down." "I'm sorry." "Of course I am." "Sorry, sorry, sorry." " I'm really sorry." "Okay?" " Okay." " What have we got?" " This and that." " You're prickly." " Prickly?" "Like a cactus." "I'll have some of that." "My, my..." "That's what I call a Spanish temper." "They go from fighting to shagging." "Yummy!" "Hello." "I called." "I'm here to have my sperm count checked." "Just fill out this form." "Take this with you into the cubicle and give it to me when you're done." " Frank!" " Fat Cat!" "What are you doing here?" " I'm here to have my sperm checked." " What's the problem?" " Nothing, I think." " Can't get it up?" "Sure, but my girlfriend has her doubts about what comes out of it." "This way." " You've got magazines and a..." " Very nice." "I never expected to meet you here, but..." "Let's catch up when I'm... all done." "Magazines and the DVD." "Have fun." " Can't get it up?" " What?" " Can't get it up?" " I haven't started yet." " Didn't I lock the door?" " No." " Yes?" " How's it going?" " What?" " I forgot to ask." " Your girlfriend... it's not Hanne?" " No, that's over." "Okay, then." "She was flat as a board, anyway." "Have fun." "Frank, it really is great to see you." "Who's your new girlfriend, then?" " Now what?" " I think I'll get a home sample." " Why?" " I feel more at ease at home." " Can't get it up?" " I could if..." "Just think about old Mrs. Guldager." " I'd rather get a sample at home." " Why?" "You never were any good at homework." "Stine, Frank is going home to get a sample." "Bear in mind   you've only got an hour when you've fired off your tiny load." "Come back here within an hour and keep it warm." " Here you are." " You get a new jar." " Good luck." " You'll get the hang of it someday." "Hi." "I just met Fat Cat." " And the bugger..." " Iben is asleep." "I met Fat Cat at the sperm clinic." " What was he doing there?" " He's a lab technician." " He always was a creep." " He talked away while I masturbated." "What?" "Oh..." "So I decided on a home sample." "Can I do it in your house?" " Sure." " Have you got any movies?" "Come here." " Have you got a porn flick?" " Iben hates porn." " Well, she isn't going to watch it." " I've got one." "I've got this one." ""First-timers"..." " "First-timers"." "I'll cut the sound." " What are you doing?" " Starting the flick." " I'm not masturbating here." " Just sit there." " Not with Iben in the room." " Just sit like this." " She's going to wake up." " No, I do it all the time." " You masturbate there?" "Like this." "Just keep your arse still." "Try it." " Do you want to see it or not?" " Not here." "Go to one of the children's rooms." "They've got a DVD player." " Why didn't you say so?" " I thought you wanted a big screen." "Casper." "All done." " Can you give me a lift?" " What?" " To the sperm clinic." " Want me to drive you?" " I have to keep the sample warm." " I'm drunk." " I have to be there in half an hour." " I'll keep it warm." "You drive." " Everything under control?" " It's as if it's getting warmer." " How hot is it?" " Burning." "I've got such warm hands." " Isn't it hot?" "It is." " It mustn't reach body temperature." " It's warmer than that." " So cool it off." "It's still hot." "Let me just..." "I'm just cooling it off." " Bloody hell!" " What happened?" " A ladybird rammed into my hand." " Where's the sperm sample?" " I dropped it." " You didn't!" "A ladybird rammed into my hand!" "Look how thin it is." "I bet it was bad sperm to begin with." "Just make some more." "I'll go with you to meet Fat Cat." "We were on our way over when the sample went out the window." " Let's give it another go." " No, I'm going to do it at home." " You wuss." " Cool it." "He's got a limpy, so what?" " What about you?" "Think you're so..." " I'm a man, aren't I?" " How much of a man are you?" " I can masturbate anywhere, anytime." " You can?" " I hold the record here." " How fast are you?" " Very fast." "Want to try?" "And see who comes first?" "Okay, let's go and have a wank." " What's the wager?" "A pint." " 500 kroner." " Stine?" "Thank you." " You're not going to masturbate now." "Three, two, one, go." "Just go." "Bye." "Come on." " Is he still in there?" " Sure, wanking away." "The sucker!" " Think he's still in there?" " What a jerk." "Hi, Iben." " What's this?" "Whose is it?" " Not mine." "It's yours?" "Frank, come back." "What's your porn movie doing in my stepdaughter's room?" " Right." "You see..." " Is it or isn't it your porn movie?" " Tell her it is." " It's mine." "Okay, what's it doing in Ida's DVD?" "I'm having my sperm count checked and I was told to get a home sample." "I don't want porn in my house." "I won't tolerate it." " None of us will." " Movies, tapes, I don't care." " It's so demeaning to women." " Shame on you, Frank." " Where can I masturbate then?" " I'm not listening to any more." "Bye." "You'll have to go wank somewhere else." "And take this with you." "End of story." "So, baby..." " Being a house guest is awful." " I thought it would be nice." " Goodnight." "Sleep tight." " Goodnight." "Casa tua." "My house is yours." "Like the bed?" " It's just fine." " Goodnight." "Look, this house..." " It's a madhouse." " Yes." "An emotional rollercoaster." "Take Iben." "She's very unbalanced." "In 20 years, psychiatrists will have found a name for her malady." "I rather sympathise with her reaction." "Casper, get some more juice." "And Ida would like a plate." " For her bread." "Get one, will you?" " Can you hear the knight?" " Some juice and a plate?" " For Ida." "The black one?" "He's called "Shadow Knight"." " I want lots of milk." " Lots of milk coming up." " I'm quite the waiter." " Bloody hell!" "How come the juice is freezing?" "It's turned to slush." " Let me have a taste." " Just feel the glass." "It's freezing." "Why did you turn down the temperature?" " I haven't touched it." " Is the fridge broken?" "I turned down the temperature." "It was too hot." "Our fridge is set to 37 degrees   and Mia and I are perfectly happy with that." "The thing is, Frank,   in your own house or casa mio you want your own temperature." "I just abhor warm fridges." "If the temperature is too high, the food goes off..." " Not now, Frank." " Who wants to play hide and seek?" "I've got a cold headache now!" "You go hide and I'll count." " One, two, three, four..." " Join in." " What's wrong?" "Ida." " Iben!" " What's wrong?" " She hid in here." " Home?" " Frank and Mia are going home." "You can't come in here." "Bye-bye." " How much was it again?" " 8,550." " And the money is for..?" " Calling in the movers prematurely." " You've cleared out this room?" " Yes..."