"( theme song playing )" "Got it." "Good." "So, that's the baby that's been holding up the Allied drive." "The Germans planted tons of them to block our advance." "I never saw a land mine put together like that." "They must have had their hands full trying to disarm it, huh?" "Our tanks have slowed down to a crawl." "That makes these quite a prize." "They sure were." "A company of British commandos got pretty badly mauled getting them." "How are the repairs to the tunnel coming?" "Melting snow is giving us a little trouble." "We had to start a new tunnel in Barracks 5." "It'll join the old one past the cave-in." "All right." "Let's see how it's coming." "Getting rid of the dirt okay?" "No problem." "How's it going?" "Almost to the old tunnel now, sir." "All right, keep them at it." "I promised London they'd have the film by tomorrow." "We'll make it, sir." "Any of the Krauts been sniffing around?" "They don't suspect a thing." "If they find this tunnel, I'll eat my hat." "SCHULTZ ( in distance ):" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier." "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, eins, zwei, drei, vier." "He caved in the bleeding tunnel." "Bon appétit." "You won't believe this, Herr Kommandant, but I was checking the plumbing, Mm-hmm." "looking for a leaky pipe." "Ja, ja..." "did you find it?" "Not yet, but I'm going to keep looking." "The cooler!" "Schultz, have the prisoners fill in the tunnel." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "And double the guard." "If they see anything suspicious, tell them to shoot first and ask questions later." "They shoot first, ask questions later." "You won't get many answers that way, sir." "Right, Herr Kommandant." "Schultz, I gave you an order." "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "Let's go!" "Hogan, Hogan, when will you ever learn?" "These foolish escape attempts." "It gives the men something to do." "In all the time you've been here, how many men have escaped?" "None." "Exactly." "Face it, Hogan-- for you and your men this war is over." "That is good news." "We'll pack and leave in the morning." "Dismissed." "What do we do after we pack, sir?" "We got to get that film out." "How?" "The tunnel's gone;" "they doubled the guard." "We can't get out." "I didn't say anything about us getting out." "I said we'd get the film out." "Why don't we ask one of the Germans to drop it off when he goes into town?" "I think Klink would probably be the best choice, don't you?" "Ask Klink to deliver microfilm to one of our agents?" "He's the one man who can leave camp whenever he wants." "Who's going to twist his arm?" "Let's keep violence out of this." "Take my word for it:" "The colonel will be delighted to be our messenger." "KINCH:" "It's all set, Colonel." "The underground says they'll have a woman agent in town by tonight." "You told them we wanted somebody special." "They guaranteed a knockout." "Good." "Carter, bring Schultz in here." "Okay." "One fat sergeant coming up." "Schultz?" "I thought Klink was our target." "He is, but he might get suspicious if it comes from me." "So we hook Schultz-- back up my story." "Got it." "All right, Operation Merry Widow is about to begin." "SCHULTZ:" "You wanted to see me, Colonel?" "Yeah, Schultz, we're going to have a little card game tonight and wanted to know if we can count you in." "I think I have no time." "Other plans, Schultzy?" "CARTER:" "Yeah, like maybe a little rendezvous?" "Come clean, Schultz, we've heard all about it." "You dog-- you sly, sly dog." "You're a lucky man, Schultz." "I don't understand." "The Countess Marlene, the Merry Widow." "She picked you, didn't she?" "Countess Marlene?" "Merry Widow?" "He hasn't heard of her." "Only the most famous temptress in all of Europe." "Come on, Schultz, don't be cute." "Sure-- isn't a man alive hasn't heard of the Merry Widow." "Especially after that thing with Hitler." "The Führer?" "No!" "It didn't do him any good." "They say she only loves fat men." "That's why she picked Göring." "Men don't pick her;" "she picks them." "According to the old rumor mill, that's why she came to town." "She's crackers about someone in this camp." "Yeah, we figured it was you." "All the world loves a fat man." "Maybe she's heard about your reputation with the barmaids." "It gets around, huh?" "Uh... did you get the flowers?" "Flowers?" "That's her style." "She sends flowers, then the phone call." ""I'm, uh..." "I'm waiting, lover."" "And then, paradise." "( mumbling ):" "Paradise... paradise." "HOGAN:" "You haven't much time to get in shape, Schultz." "Oh, I guess she couldn't wait." "I better pick them up." "* Lover, when you're near me... *" "Over here, over here-- I'm Sergeant Schultz." "I'll take them." "Nein, these flowers are for Colonel Klink." "I am Colonel Klink." "Thank you, sir." ""From one who is tired of worshipping from afar." "Soon-- Countess Marlene."" "Huh, must be some foolish..." "You, you... you can't." "It's the Merry Widow." "No!" "You're a lucky man, Commandant." "I don't know any merry widow." "Countess Marlene." "Only the number-one temptress in all of Europe." "She has seen more action than the First Division." "But I don't remember any..." "Countess Marlene?" "There was something about her and Hitler?" "Hitler wanted to give up evil." "He even offered to shave off..." "Hitler?" "No." "Yeah-- but it didn't help." "He wasn't her type." "She didn't like his funny haircut." "She turned down the Führer?" "Ja..." "Men do not pick her;" "she picks them." "And you're it." "That wild, impetuous girl sending me flowers." "You're going to get an invitation, then the telephone will ring, and then..." ""I am waiting, lover."" "I better take these inside and put them in water." "Well, tough luck, Schultz." "I don't understand." "Why him when she could have me?" "Probably a masochist." "( humming airily )" "I guess the old Klink magic has struck again." "I'm used to it, Hogan." "Women are always sending me things." "Flowers from the Merry Widow." "That plant over there-- another gift from an old admirer." "Can one man have so much?" "I can't fight it, Hogan." "Women are always putting me on a pedestal." "I can see what attracted her-- your good looks, your bearing." "Uh, just a minute, sir." "You sleep in this jacket, sir?" "My jacket?" "Maybe I'd better have it pressed." "Uh, forget it, sir." "I don't think that'll help." "It should really be tailored." "Here." "Yeah, that's better." "You've got to look your best, sir." "It's a pity LeBeau's in the cooler." "He's a fine tailor-- he could really help you." "Oh, I'll have him released, Hogan." "He's learned his lesson by now." "Oh, I appreciate this very much, Hogan." "Forget it, sir, forget it." "One day you can do something for me." "HOGAN:" "Good job." "Well, at least you're giving me a trade for after the war." "It's better than the cooler." "Now it just needs pressing." "Yeah." "All she's got to do is get the jacket off Klink, slip the film out and take off." "A plane is being arranged to pick her up." "The colonel's?" "Mm-hmm." "Hmph!" "I don't understand." "I ask you-- who would you pick?" "Don't fight it, Schultz." "Fortunes of war." "How much taste can this Merry Widow have if she wants the colonel?" "Schultz!" "Oh!" "Lots of taste, Herr Kommandant." "That's what she has." "Is my jacket ready?" "Be just a few minutes, Herr Kommandant." "We'll bring it over, sir." "You better hurry it up." "She'll be calling anytime now." "A world of taste, Herr Kommandant." "She's a very tasteful lady, and a very lucky one." "Oh, shut up." "She's got to go out of her mind." "Maybe you're right." "Oh, Hogan, you should have heard her on the phone." "What a voice-- oh, she's all woman." "Shouldn't you be leaving, sir?" "There's no rush." "Make them wait." "They become all the more anxious." "I keep forgetting I'm talking to the master." "You see, in love and war, the method is the same:" "Keep the opponent off guard, then go forth and conquer." "I wish I had a pencil to get this down, sir." "You will give classes after the war?" "Now, there's a thought." "If everything we hear about the countess is true, sir, this may be the last time I see you." "( laughing )" "What a way to go." "What a way to go." "Uh, Commandant?" "Be kind." "( clicks heels )" "Good evening." "Good evening, Colonel." "Come in." "You're late." "Oh, I'm sorry." "Um, there was an emergency at camp-- a top-level decision." "The traffic was terrible." "I hurried as much as I could-- honest." "Just so that you're here." "Yes." "Sometimes, Colonel, it pays to keep a woman waiting." "...and waiting." "I've heard so much about you, Colonel." "You're much better looking than your pictures." "And I've waited such a long time for this little rendezvous." "Have you?" "Mmm... and now that I'm close to you," "I find you even more attractive than I thought." "Those blue eyes." "That full mouth." "( sighs deeply )" "I'm in the presence of a love god." "Oh, you shouldn't have done that." "I lost control." "Some wine, Colonel?" "Please." "You know, I think in you..." "I've finally met my match." "Oh, I'm so sorry." "Oh, oh, it's nothing." "It's... it's just a little stain." "You'd better take that off." "Oh, yes, yes, I will, I will." "Oh, thank you." "You'd better slip this on while I try to clean that." "Do you know that a suspicious person might think that you had done this purposely?" "Oh..." "I'll be back in a minute." "Mmm-- don't." "You make me hunger all the more for your lips." "Oh, hurry-- please." "Klink left 30 minutes ago." "She should have the film by now." "Colonel, we got a problem, and a big one." "What's up?" "This is Sergeant Meadows, sir-- the SS just brought him in." "He led the raid on the land mine factory." "We got what you went after." "The microfilms were turned over to us." "They should be on their way to London by now." "Well, you'd better try and stop them." "Here, this is what London needs." "That's a model of the actual land mine." "What's on the microfilm?" "An early experimental version, all been completely changed." "If our boys start to use those for a guide, they'll be blown to bits." "KLINK:" "I'm waiting, Püppchen." "( phone rings )" "Hello." "I was just leaving." "I'm glad I caught you." "What?" "!" "That's wonderful-- all of Hammelburg is crawling with Gestapo and you jeopardize my life with the wrong film." "I should have left when I had a chance." "Maybe you'd better go." "A lot of lives are at stake." "We'll try to come up with another plan." "No, no." "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." "I'm just jumpy, I..." "I think I need a vacation from war." "I-I-I'm sorry." "I'll be all right." "Good girl." "We've got a model of the real thing here." "Try to get rid of Klink as fast as you can and we'll get it over to you." "How much time do you have?" "The plane is picking me up at midnight." "Good." "The first thing I want you to do is..." "Come to your tiger, my little apple strudel." "Out." "Take..." "Out?" "Out." "You want me to go?" "You... you can't be serious." "It's irresistible me." "Remember-- the blue eyes, the kissable lips?" "Think-- you'll never forgive yourself." "Out!" "How can you turn all this down?" "Good night, Colonel." "Here he comes." "Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan..." "I can't say." "You wouldn't believe it." "The Countess Marlene called me." "No kidding?" "Queen bee has sent for her honey." "Schultz going in for Klink, huh?" "( chuckles )" "They're putting in the first team." "Isn't that the colonel's?" "Well, we thought it brightened up the room." "I see nothing-- nothing!" "Hey, Schultz, what are you taking her?" "Taking her?" "Flowers, something." "You can't go there empty-handed." "Yeah, a woman like that is used to diamonds and furs." "Tell you what, Schultz." "Here, take her this." "She'll love it." "The colonel's?" "I couldn't-- I wouldn't!" "The most desirable woman in Europe." "But I will!" "Colonel Hogan, please, you won't tell the commandant that I..." "I hear nothing, Schultz, nothing." "Good." "Beautiful!" "How thoughtful." "Exactly what I wanted." "Me, too." "How can I ever thank you?" "I'll make out a schedule." "( knock at door )" "Who is it?" "KLINK:" "Colonel Klink." "Oh." "What is it, Colonel?" "I've come back to give you another chance." "But I..." "Maybe... maybe I was too much for you." "I know how overwhelming I can be." "Why, that's funny, I have a plant just like that, even the pot." "Not now, Colonel." "Oh, I wouldn't want you to hate yourself." "Out!" "I'm going, I'm going." "This is no way to treat a love god." "Good night, Colonel." "That is my plant." "( door opens )" "Aha!" "I'm glad you're here, Herr Kommandant." "I found this woman with your plant." "Out!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "You're not going to take it away, Colonel." "( grunts )" "Old Hot Lips is back, sir." "KINCH:" "I don't think he's going to be very happy." "Oh, no." "( grunts )" "You are hereby restricted to camp, and starting immediately, you will march guard duty until I tell you stop!" "Jawohl, Herr Kommandant." "( grunts )" "What do we do now?" "Notify London to forget about those mines." "Not yet." "There's still a little time before the widow's plane picks her up." "So what?" "It's a cinch we can't get Klink to go back now." "If Klink won't go to the mountain, we'll bring the mountain to Klink." "Kinch, get her on the phone." "Tell her to come here-- it's the only way we hope to get that plant to her." "Right, Colonel." "But after catching her with Schultz, Klink will never agree to see her." "Yes, he will." "I'm on my way over to tell him why." "Imagine passing me up-- a colonel-- for that, uh..." "sergeant." "She's twisted, Colonel." "Next thing, it'll be privates and corporals, and we colonels will be out of business." "She's obviously attracted by riffraff." "Then again, she did pass up Hitler." "Hogan!" "He was a corporal, wasn't he?" "Maybe this thing with Schultz was a moment of madness-- she realizes her mistake and now she's come back to the big fellow." "It's too late, Hogan." "With me, there's no second chance." "You're absolutely right, Colonel." "How often does a woman get a golden opportunity like you?" "Hogan, will you leave that plant alone?" "And to abuse it, she should suffer." "Exactly!" "( phone rings )" "Hello." "Colonel Klink speaking." "Who?" "Hogan, it's her." "She's at the gate-- she wants to see me." "( whispering ):" "No." "Yes." "I'll teach her a lesson." "Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute." "You want her to suffer?" "Here's your chance." "Obviously, she wants you." "You've got her right here, sir." "Toy with her and then crush her-- an eye for an eye, complete rejection." "I'll give her a lesson she'll never forget." "Have her come to my quarters." "Before I get through with her, she will crawl, she will beg, but it will do her no good." "I will be iron." "You better go, Hogan." "Don't let her cry too much, sir." "Hi." "I'm Hogan." "You know what to do." "Yes, I soften him up and get the plant." "It's going to be close-- I only have 15 minutes." "Just one thing-- he's going to play hard to get." "Hard to get?" "Him?" "He should give stamps." "We'll be right outside if you need us." "Good luck." "Thank you." "Uh..." "What can I do for you?" "Well, normally I'm a very shy person, Colonel." "I've never done anything like this before." "I think I understand." "But I had this uncontrollable urge." "I'm so sad for you." "Oh, I could not rest until I saw you again, and I thought this would be our night." "We don't need that light." "Hmm?" "You seem so distant." "Here I am, hungering for your lips, and you're making me suffer." "Don't I interest you at all?" "Earlier perhaps, but not now." "Hmph!" "It will do you no good." "( whimpers )" "No good at all." "You've suffered enough." "I want much more than just tonight, Colonel." "I'm yours, 364 days a year." "Christmas I have to spend with my mother." "( chuckles )" "Well, I was thinking of a souvenir, something I could have and care for-- a lock of hair?" "No." "A plant." "Perfect." "A living reminder of you." "It's yours." "And now..." "Now." "Some champagne." "Now?" "The wonder of your lips makes this a festive occasion." "I'll get it." "I'll be right back." "Hogan." "I've got it." "( footsteps approaching )" "Hold it-- Schultz." "What's going on?" "My little strudel!" "W-What are you doing in there?" "I've been looking for you." "For me?" "You're not going to keep me waiting." "In there?" "What about the commandant?" "He's gone out." "Hurry." "( whimpers )" "Don't start without me." "KLINK:" "I'll be right there, Püppchen." "Nothing is too good for my Püppchen." "Ah..." "Oh!" "But I don't know which makes me more romantic, champagne or caviar." "Mmm." "I'll get some of that, too." "Mmm." "Shh." "Now, sit in this chair." "Close your eyes." "Stay very still." "I just want to look at you." "Pucker up." "There you go, Kinch." "Careful, now." "Püppchen-- champagne and caviar, and then one surrenders to the inevitable." "Bye." "Danke." "( car engine starts )" "Aw, I was hoping it would last." "You're a sentimental fool, Colonel." "Sue me-- I like a happy ending." "Püppchen." "Püppchen." "Colonel?" "Send her off already?" "Poor kid-- must have broken her heart." "As I told you, Hogan, she had to be taught a lesson." "And the old professor gave her one, right?" "Look, you're not supposed to be out of the barracks at this hour." "Oh, you're right, Colonel." "Boy, I'd sure like to see you in action." "Next time you'll have to sell tickets, sir." "Good night." "Püppchen." "Püppchen."