"[Upbeat Christmas music plays]" "Jessica:" "You're a good singer, Mrs. Shelmerdine." "In fact..." "Promotion." "You can take that shaky alto to the mines, nurse Watkins." "Ooh, Jessica town is looking great." "[Squeals]" "[Chuckles]" "Except I hate seeing that empty hole every year." "Can't believe instead of a bakery," "I accidentally bought two bookshops." "Now they're in competition." "I'll never stop trying to hunt down that Dickens village "white horse bakery,"" "item number 5926-9." "It's my white whale." "Is that from "Moby Dick"?" "I feel like that's one of those books everybody says they've read, but nobody's actually read it." "You never read "Moby Dick"?" "It's an amazing story." "No, I know." "I read it." "I see you haven't changed your views on Santa." "Well, there's room for improvement." "He flies around the globe in one night to give the whole world presents." "What's there to improve?" "[Sighs]" "He has no higher degree." "If you break it down, he's either a toy maker or a glorified deliveryman." "Either way, he's labor, not management." "Look how long it took him to promote Rudolph." "Clearly not good at spotting talent." "And at his weight, he shouldn't be eating milk and cookies at every single house." "No, he should just pack himself a little bag of almonds and a pear." "Irish mayor." "[Chuckling] Always drinking." "[Both chuckle]" "S02E10 The Real Santa" "♪ fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪" "♪ if you don't know, homey, now you know ♪" "♪ fresh off the boat ♪" "♪ homey, you don't know where I come from ♪" "♪ but I know where I'm goin' ♪" "♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪" "[Christmas music plays]" "_" "This is my new version of Eddie's pimp walk." "I call it jazz walk." "No." "This is jazz walk." "[Chuckles]" "I took intro to Bob Fosse as an elective sophomore year." " You did?" " I sure did." "Oh, okay." "Louis, I did it." "I improved Santa." "What do you mean "improved"?" "Dad, did you know Santa was an aeronautical engineer and an accomplished scientist?" "Oh, really?" "I thought he was just a jolly guy who comes at Christmas." "He is, but he also went to Princeton." "Mom said he studied every night and didn't waste time on girls or beer." "He prefers for people to focus on his charity work, but the money he made from science is what pays for all the toys." "It makes sense." "He must know physics to build a flying sleigh." "And if he owns the patent, he must be M.C. Hammer rich!" "Or maybe it's just a part of the Christmas magic!" "What are you doing?" "What aren't I doing?" "[Sighs] You shouldn't mess with tradition." "Why'd you have to "improve Santa" all of a sudden?" "Because, Louis." "Evan deserves for Santa to be the best." "We've got the Cattleman's Ranch breakfast with Santa at the restaurant tomorrow." "What happens if Evan asks him a bunch of math and science questions?" "Just tell whoever's playing Santa to brush up on their algebra, physics, and basic trig." "Mitch is playing Santa." "Can we split the check, please?" "Sure." "We need to find a new Santa." "Okay, well, we need an older white guy with an advanced degree who enjoys children sitting in his lap." "I'd love to play Santa. [Gasps]" "[Laughter]" "Oh, and I can do his makeup!" "I interned as a makeup artist" " for the traveling tour of "Cats."" " Ahh." "Was that the summer you were a lesbian?" "Good memory!" "But no." "No, it was the previous summer, when I met that woman who owned the cranberry bog." "Oh, right." " Mm." " Right." "Anyway, it'd be an honor to play Santa." "[Laughs] Oh, great!" " It's gonna be so much fun!" " Yeah." "Now, this binder contains equations that support the math of Santa's transcontinental one-day flight." "And this binder contains the complete history of Santa and Evan's interactions over the past five years." "Oh." "I know it's a lot, but Evan's smart." "Uh, well, he's met his match." "I mean, you don't get to be one of Orlando's top 100 dentists by not being smart." "Oh, what number in the top 100 are you?" "I have it all under control." "Don't worry about it." "[Laughs]" "I wonder what Lorraine is up to. [Chuckles]" "Isn't it funny how people just come into your life, and..." " Yeah." " ...then go?" "Eddie:" "What's this noise?" "My Christmas present for mom." "It's an exact replica of the "white horse bakery"" "that's missing from Jessica town." "What are you gonna get mom for Christmas?" "I don't know." "Well, when are you gonna figure it out?" "I don't know." "Thoughtful presents are always appreciated." "Remember last year when I wrote that historical novel based on grandma's life, "A pearl for God"?" "She loved it." "Did she, though?" "Grandma!" "Grandma huang:" "What?" "You got to come here!" "What did Emery get you last year for Christmas?" "The historical novel." "_" "_" "_" " What?" " And what did I get you?" "_" "_" "We wish you a merry breakfast!" "Eat up and come meet Santa!" "[Chuckles]" "Oh, try our peppermint cornbread!" "Sounds gross, but tastes..." "Freshens your breath!" "I can't wait to talk to Santa about science and math!" "Great, but don't ask Santa too many questions." "He's a busy man." "He has enough time to spend two hours every night talking to his mother over tea." "She will always be his favorite woman." "Eddie:" "What happened to your hands?" "I burnt my fingers using the hot-glue gun on mom's present." "We have a hot-glue gun?" "Why haven't we glued Evan to the wall yet?" "Okay, guys!" "I just got word that Santa has arrived!" "[Squeals]" "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" "Merry Christmas!" "Santa!" "Come, we have so much to discuss!" "[Laughs]" "So, to calculate lift, it's coefficient times density times the velocity squared times the area of the wing divided by two." "And that's factoring in Rudolph's body weight?" "Absolutely." "We wouldn't want to fly too low and clip off the chimney tops." "[Chuckles] Heaven forbid!" "[Laughs]" "Marvin really looks like Santa." "Is that a prosthetic nose?" "Yep." "It's the same one i used on Skimbleshanks." "That means nothing to me." "[Gasps] Anyway, I know it's not Christmas yet, but..." "I found you the perfect gift, and I couldn't wait." "[Gasps] Oh!" "The bakery?" "!" "What the Mary?" "[Laughs]" "How did you get this?" "!" "Oh, Marvin's first wife left a box of Christmas decorations in the garage, and this was in there." "And some cocaine." "Like I said, there were some problems before I came along." "I love it!" "Yay!" "Oh, thank you so much!" "[Giggles]" "You're welcome." "Santa was great!" "He's so smart, and..." "Ho, ho, ho!" "Ho, ho... no!" "Who the hell is that?" "I'm Santa!" "Wait." "If this Santa's Mitch, then who's that Santa?" "[Indistinct conversations]" "What's going on?" "[Sighs]" "You know what, Evan?" "It's time you know the truth." "Jessica..." "He's figured it out, Louis." "We have no choice but to come clean." "Evan, we've been lying to you." "This Santa is Mitch." "And look." "This Santa is Marvin. [Chuckles]" "Both of these Santas are fake because the real Santa... is Chinese." "What?" "What?" "Santa's Chinese?" "Yes!" "Why do you think all the toys he delivers say "made in China"?" "Right, Louis?" "Uh, right." "Right." "[Stammering]" "How about how Santa wears a red suit?" "Nothing more Chinese than the color red." "I've never seen a Chinese Santa." "Oh!" "O-oh, of course you haven't." "Real Santa doesn't have the time to be standing around ringing a bell on every street corner." "Then why all the white Santas?" "Uh, well, remember when I first opened Cattleman's and hired Mitch to be the white face of the restaurant?" "Chinese Santa's doing the same thing." "Ah, all those white Santas are just Chinese Santa's Mitches." "Oh." "Never knew this. [Chuckles]" "I can't believe honey got mom the bakery." "Christmas is days away, and I've got nothing." "Ah, yes." "This is a position I've been in many times." "If I don't come up with something for mom, it'd be weird to give dad his present." "Ooh!" "Is that made of chocolate?" "What am I gonna do?" "This is what you're gonna do." "I got you." "You ready?" "You're gonna..." "Let it ride!" "What?" "I said... "Let it ride!"" "What does that mean?" "You don't do anything, and then somehow it just works itself out." "The best action is inaction." "It's one of Newton's laws." "No, it's not." "Agree to disagree." "[Sighs]" "Okay, ready to go to Evan's holiday pageant?" "Ooh, are those zongzi?" "Uh!" "These are for Chinese Santa." "They're filled with proteins and mung bean because Santa is training for a half marathon." "All right." "I only went along with you at Cattleman's because of Evan, but you've got to stop fixing Santa." "I'm done." "Santa's fixed." "I made him the best." "I've been thinking about what you said about Santa." "It totally makes sense!" "Smart enough to understand the science of flight, yet small enough to fit down a chimney?" "That dude Chinese." "Boom." "What's this?" "It's a poem I wrote for mom that we can say is from both of us." ""Dear mama, place no one above ya." "Sweet lady, you are appreciated." "Don't ya know we love ya?"" "This is pretty good." "I know." "But some of this doesn't make sense." "Like, why'd you say, "even as a crack fiend, mama, you always was a black queen, mama"?" "It's poetry, man." "Don't be so literal." "I do have a logical brain." "That's why I could never enjoy nursery rhymes, like three pigs live in a house, an old woman lives in a shoe, bears eat porridge... it's silly is what it is!" "I like this intensity, Emery." "We should channel this into something more positive." "That's awesome!" "Mom's gonna love it." "Hey, I'm gonna go get a soda." "You're not coming back, are you?" "Nope." "[Applause]" "Welcome, 3rd-grade students and parents." "As you know, every year, our faculty likes to put on a holiday show as a thank-you for your hard work and dedication." "[Applause] Whoo!" "In our past shows, we've had visits from Santa, Rudolph, and little-people elves, who, with gusto, threw themselves into the crowd to be passed around." "However, a new state law was just passed called "Kathy's rule,"" "which prohibits any religious, spiritual, or gender-y connotations in state-funded children's theater." "So this year, please welcome the pan-cultural seasonal entity." "I respect you!" "[Audience murmuring]" "Where's Santa?" "Firmly rooted in Christian tradition, unlike Panny here, who is all things because it is nothing." "But it's Christmas." "There should be Santa." "[Audience murmurs in agreement]" "Santa's the best." "[Applause]" "He's kind and generous and caring." " He sure is." " That's right." "And he's Chinese!" "[Audience murmuring]" "Who wants to see Panny dance?" "[Indistinct shouting]" "Santa is not Chinese!" "Yes, he is!" "That doesn't even make sense!" "Okay, everybody calm down!" "Stop yelling at children!" "And why can't Santa be Chinese?" "Everybody's on board with a fat man flying around the world, just so long as he's white?" "Santa's not fat!" "He's big-boned!" "[Shouting continues]" "♪ Don't ya know we love ya, sweet lady?" "♪" "♪ Dear mama ♪" "♪ place no one above ya, sweet lady ♪" "♪ you are appreciated ♪" "♪ ...all the sweet things you did for me ♪" "♪ and even though I act crazy ♪" "♪ I gotta thank the lord that you made me ♪" "Eddie!" "♪ you never kept a secret ♪" "_" "♪ and I appreciate how you raised me ♪" "Eddie, you didn't write a poem." "You plagiarized a rap song." "I didn't plagiarize." "I sampled." "We can't give mom 2Pac lyrics as her present." "Christmas is two days away." "What are we gonna do?" "Don't say it." "Let it ride!" "No kick?" "I'm wearing umbros." "Don't want you to get an eyeful." "You feel me." "Well, that got out of hand fast." "I can't believe they chased that gray blob through the parking lot." "You guys know me!" "I'm Paul Andrews!" "Chrissy's father!" "Cut him off!" "Evan, are you okay?" "I'm just confused." "You said Santa's not white, and everyone at school says he's not Chinese." "I don't know what to believe." "I-i didn't mean for this to happen." "I just..." "I just wanted to make Santa the best for him." "I know you did." "I need to find a way to make this right." "Honey, I need your help." "[Creaking]" "[Rustling]" "Santa?" "Santa is Chinese!" "Yes." "But you're a woman." "Yes." "Then why do you have a beard?" "This is mole hair." "It all grows out of two very lucky moles." "I've never heard of a woman Santa." "You think a man is thoughtful enough to give presents to everyone in the world?" "Do you think a man is organized enough to make a list of the behavior of every single boy and girl?" "You know those street signs that say "men at work"?" "Women don't need those because it is understood." "But all the Santas I ever see are white men." "They all work for me." "I am the wholesaler." "They are my middlemen." "But why are you here tonight?" "It's not Christmas Eve yet." "I come on December 23rd..." "And I hide the presents." "Then my white Santas come Christmas Eve and put the presents out under the tree." "I allow them to take credit, but I am the boss." "This is why I am called..." "Lao ban Santa." "Boss Santa!" "That's right." "I'd better go." "My Lebaron is idling in the driveway." "You drive a Lebaron?" "It's a lease." "Better for tax purposes." "You must promise never to tell anyone about me, not even your brothers." "You are a special soul... one who believes in magic but still has a scientific mind." "Like me." "So you are a scientist!" "Well, of course!" "I have a J.D., M.D., Dds, Phd, and I am a notary." "Remember... always be the best." "Study hard and eat more vegetables." "My fat friend J.J. says candy is America's vegetable." "Maybe less time with J.J." "Merry Christmas, Evan." "Merry Christmas, Lao ban Santa." "[Floorboard creaks]" "Evan?" "Everything okay?" "[Chuckles]" "Everything's great." "[Door closes]" "Uh." "Aah!" "Aah!" "[Muffled scream]" "Shh." "I have a lot to tell you." ""Guarding Tess." Thank you, Eddie." "Why you so nervous, man?" "Because it's Christmas morning, and all I have for mom are these film-canister earrings." "This is not who I am." "[Boomerang whooshes, glass breaks]" "Ooh!" "_" "Oh, no!" "It's the bakery!" "Mrs. Smithyman the shopkeeper was just getting over her husband's suicide." "Dark." "Don't worry, mom." "We got you." "Emery made it." "This is amazing." "You made this by yourself?" "Yeah, it's perfect to scale." "Thank you." "I love it." "And I made you these earrings." "Thank you, Eddie." "I'll put them with the paperclip anklet you gave me last year." "Maybe there is something to thoughtful presents." "I was gonna say maybe there's something to letting it ride." "You ready?" "One, two, three." "Let it ride!" "Ha!" "It's like I'm kicking into a mirror." "Wow, Evan, look how many presents" "Santa left you last night." "Yes." "So many presents from regular Santa, which he brought in last night." "Come on." "We've been through this a million times." "Everything you need to know about Lao ban Santa is right here in these binders." "Okay, so he comes..." "She." "Right." "She comes on December 23rd, the Eve of Christmas Eve..." "Yes." "...in a leased Lebaron because...?" "It's better for her taxes." "Well, why doesn't she just buy a truck and use that every year?" "Wouldn't that make more sense?" "Louis, when a tradition has been established, you really shouldn't try to improve on it."