""Dear Dad."" ""Sorry I haven't written sooner." "The work piles up around here."" ""Korea's pretty much the same story."" ""The fighting goes on: hatred, senseless brutality, men behaving like animals."" ""Then, of course, there's the war."" ""Business, unfortunately, remains very brisk."" ""You know by now I'm not being flip." "Doing meatball surgery, you either develop a thick skin or you wind up in the Tokyo Giggling Academy."" "Oh, wow, what a mess." " Stomach... kidney..." "liver..." " What is this, an organ recital?" " Quiet." "I'm doing something difficult." " Tying your shoe?" "Could we have some measure of military discipline?" "Everybody up for callisthenics." " Join me for push-ups, Hot Lips?" " Oh, really!" "Knock it off!" ""Luckily, we've got extra help these days." "Captain Adam Casey."" ""He's really a fine surgeon." "Every bit as good as I am."" ""And I'll get him for it."" " Help me with these intestines." " Gimme a retractor." ""The work's hard and ugly, but the North Koreans hand us some laughs."" " What's that?" " They got the generator." " We need lights." " Nobody panic." "Let's keep cool." " Who's panicking?" " You are." "I can't see anything." "It's dark!" "Shove patients you can't finish under a table." "It's safe there." "How the hell did you get in the army?" " 3-0 silk." " 3-0 silk." " Suture scissors." " Suture scissors." " Snoo." " "Snoo"?" "What's "snoo"?" "Not much." "What's new with you?" " Can't you be serious?" " I tried it once." "Everybody laughed." ""And so it goes."" ""Here comes Corporal Klinger, one of our orderlies."" ""A nice guy whose purpose in life is to get out of the army - a purpose shared by many, only Klinger will stop at nothing."" "Come in." "I have the x-rays you wanted to look over." "Thank you." "Klinger, do you mind a little constructive criticism?" " No, sir." " First of all, it's gorgeous." "It's easy to go overboard." "That's tasteful without being gaudy." "Thank you, sir." "Just one suggestion:" "you must wear a slip." "With the sun behind you, I could see through to your shorts." "Of course." "And I've got so many slips in my tent." " Thanks for the x-rays." " Yes, sir." " May I ask where you got that?" " Mail-order catalogue, sir." " A white wedding gown?" " I'm entitled." "I'm a virgin." ""I guess the sanest guy in the outfit is Father Mulcahy."" ""He should be deaf from the sound of all the commandments breaking around here."" " Father?" "Is everything all right?" " It's my back." " You throw it out?" " No, but I'd sure like to." " Let's go in the tent." "I'll take a look at it." " Thanks." "Thanks, Captain Casey." " Do you have a history of back trouble?" " Started in Jesuit school." "All that kneeling." "You stay with your back toward me, Father, and just relax." " How's that feel?" " Better." "My back really feels better." "Good." "Now you just try and take it easy for a few days, and stay off your knees." "Thank you very much, Doctor." " Father?" " Yes?" " It's all right." " Doctor, one good turn deserves another." "Father..." "Can we consider this a confessional?" "I am a priest." "I'm... not a doctor." ""I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad." "We're nowhere near that organised."" ""What we are mainly is bored." "Bored right out of our skulls."" " Nothing fazes anybody here!" " What's the matter?" "Everybody's a cipher." "An army of walking zilches." "I bet I could walk into that mess tent, order lunch stark-naked, nobody would pay any attention to me." " Are you crazy?" " I betcha 50 bucks." " A little drink before lunch?" " I don't mind if I do." "One for the road, as it were." "I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers." "We don't usually serve people without neckties." " Shall we?" " After you." " 50 bucks." " I left my pockets back in the Swamp." "Now, that's tasteful without being gaudy." ""It's quiet at the moment, Dad."" ""The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly." "An amazing kid."" ""I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another's mind," "Radar has that ability - the little fink."" "Is that a nice thing to say?" ""I don't know what Henry would do without Radar."" ""And I don't know what we'd do without Henry."" ""But I can't wait to get home and find out."" " Sir?" " Yes, Radar?" " Are you busy?" " No, no." " Sign these, please, sir." " Righty-o." "Oh, for..." " My dad's pen." " Oh..." "What's this, Radar?" " That's personal, sir." " Well, you can tell me." "My name's on it." "I'm taking a correspondence course from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana." "The Triple-A..." "High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana." "I see." "Well..." "It's final week..." "And you want me to take you to the senior prom, right?" "Oh, no..." "Oh, no." "That says that I passed my final exam." " How do I know you passed it?" " You must, sir." "You signed it." "Easy, Radar." "You know me." "I'll sign anything army." "I'll sign the surrender papers." "But I've got a reputation and a civilian practice to think of and the last thing I need is trouble from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana." "I'm sorry, sir." "You could give me the test." "I just didn't want to take up your time." "That's no problem." "The war's pretty slow right now." " Where's the test?" " It's here, sir, in this officially sealed envelope." " The seal's broken." " Oh?" "That must have been the censor." "They're always on the lookout for a dirty question." "Let's see here." "All right, Radar, take a piece of paper, and a pencil, and sit down." "Comfortable?" " C-O-M-F..." " No, no, no, no, no, no." " That was just a rhetorical question." " Oh." " I don't study those." " Study what?" " Rhetoricals?" " Come on, Radar." "Stop horsing around." "I, uh..." "I'm very nervous, sir." "Look, take a deep breath." " That makes me throw up." " Look, just settle down." "This is not gonna be difficult." " There." "Good boy." "OK?" " Yes, sir." "First question." ""What is a three-sided object with two equal sides?"" "The Gettysburg Address." ""For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?"" "The isosceles triangle." " Something wrong?" " No, no." "No, your answers are right." "You just memorised them in the wrong order." "I just peeked at the first few." " That's cheating." " It's my only chance." "Nonsense, Radar." "You're smart enough to get through this on your own." " OK?" " OK." "Now, I'm gonna give you two famous dates from history." " OK." " 1492." "OK, hold it." "1492, yeah." " 1776." " 1776." "Uh-huh." " Now, what do these..." " I know!" " What?" " 3,268." "Congratulations." "You've just graduated from the Triple-A High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana." "Thank you, sir." "Thank you very much." "This is the proudest moment of my life." " Radar?" " Sir?" " Your dad's pen?" " Yeah." "See if you can get the coffee out of it." "Yes, sir." ""I'll bring you up to date on Frank and Hot Lips, the King Kong and Fay Wray of the 4077th."" ""Last week, Frank paid an afternoon call."" ""Hot Lips argued that she had a brain and Frank was only interested in her bones."" ""We then found out that, impossible as Frank is as an enemy, he's intolerable as a friend."" " Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Abe Lincoln." " Abe Lincoln who?" "Don't you know me?" "That's awful." " OK, can I do another one?" " No!" " Knock, knock." " Who's there?" " Thomas Jefferson." " Thomas Jefferson who?" "Was Abe Lincoln just here?" "Hawkeye, I never liked you." "Hiya, Chuckles." "I gotta hand it to you, Frank." "You got all the gaiety of an impacted wisdom tooth." "Is that a martini?" "In case you didn't read the paper today, Prohibition was repealed." "Well, I want one." " A drink?" "You, Frank?" " A double." "If you have a drink, you'll loosen up." "You might even smile." "Frank, you could break your face!" "And leave out the olive." " You want to talk about it?" " I don't want to talk about it." "I don't want to think about it." "I don't want to think about talking about it." "Take it easy." "That's very young gin." "Go slow." "That stuff'll take the paint off your stomach." "Fill 'er up." "# A, B, C, D" "# E, F, G, H, I..." "# I got a gal in Kalamazoo" " Frank?" " Zoo." " Frank?" " Yo!" "If you don't stop singing, I'll glue your tongue down!" "Don't be a party pooper." "Or a pooter parpy." "Frank, the party's over." "It's a quarter of three." "# And there's no one in the place except you and me" " Frank, you take requests?" " Anything." "Shut your cakehole." "# Oh, shut your cakehole" "# The more I want you" "Come on, Frank, knock it off!" "Close your eyes!" "If I close my eyes, my brain won't get any air." " Your what?" " I got a brain, you know!" "I got a brain as big as hers are." " Right, pal." "Right, buddy." " Pal and buddy." "I sure hope that's not a song." "Get away from there, Frank." "We're closed." "You know, no one ever called me "pal" or "buddy" in my whole rotten life." "You know what my own brother used to call me?" "My own brother?" "Ferret Face." "Can you imagine that?" "Do you think I look like a weasel?" " No, you're very handsome." " Honest?" " Honest." " Really?" " Do you think he looks like a weasel?" " Who?" "Ferret Face!" "Hey, I had a brother used to call me that." "Frank, go to sleep." "You look beautiful." "Say, you sure you don't love me just for my body?" "Believe me, that's the last thing we love about you." "Go to sleep." "Come on, let's do something!" "Hey, knock it off over there!" "Oh, yeah?" "How'd you like to step inside and say that?" "Come on, fellas." "Let's do something." "We don't want to do anything." "Then I'll do something." " What should I do?" " Fall down." "Right." "Can I see you for a second, Hawkeye?" "I told you not to disturb me during the Korean War." " I've always liked girls with your blood type..." " It's important." "Go away!" "This young nurse and I are discussing the possibility of a surrender." "She's giving me her terms right now." " Let's go back to my place and talk." " I think you're gonna want to see this." " Where are you going?" " The nurses' shower." "Good." "Then I'll see you." "Unless they plugged up the hole." " Important, huh?" " Yep." "It better be, or I'm putting your appendix back." "Terrific(!" ")" "Captain Casey, huh?" " I'll talk to him right now." " After the choppers." " What choppers?" " Wait for it." "Attention." "Incoming choppers with wounded." "Report to the hospital." "All personnel." " Very good work, Captain Casey." " Thank you, Father." " I'll give you a hand here." " It's all right, Captain." "Better let me give you a hand..." "Sergeant." "The provost marshal has a circular out on you." "You're hot, fella." "Are you gonna blow the whistle?" "Be off the base in 24 hours, and never... repeat: never... touch a patient again without a licence." "And contact me the minute you get one." "You're a damn good surgeon." " On the level?" " Next to you, Frank is an alterations lady." "Thanks." " I gotta ask you one question." " "Why?"" "I've passed myself off as a teacher, a lawyer, an engineer." "I can do it all." "I just never had the patience to go through it by the numbers." "I guess I never had the drive to get the diploma, the permit, whatever." "Try it once." "You'll be great, Casey." "Schwartz, actually." ""I forgot to thank you for sending me your old tuxedo."" ""It really added class to our charity no-talent night."" "Thank you, thank you, thank you." "Before bringing on our all-star attraction," "I'd like to say that tonight we raised over $300 for the Korean Refugee Fund." "And someone who wishes to remain anonymous gave $5 for Israel." "And now we'd like to bring you an act with a lot of polish." "They're going to sell it after the show." "And here they are, those doctors of rhythm, those medics of melody, the 4077th's own Hawkeye Pierce and his Swinging Surgeons, under the direction of Colonel Henry Blake!" "Give me an M." "# You'll see a smiling face" "# When evening is nigh" "# We'll hurry to my blue heaven" " # Heaven - # A turn to the right" "# A little white light" "# Will lead you to my blue heaven" "# You'll see a smiling face, a fireplace, a cosy room" "# A little nest that's nestled where the roses bloom" "# Just Molly and me" "# And baby makes three" "# We're happy in my blue heaven" "One more time!" ""I'd like to write more, but it's Saturday, the one night we look forward to."" ""I'm gonna shower now, shave, put on a clean uniform and cry myself to sleep."" ""Kiss Mom and sis."" "Hawkeye!" "Hawkeye, are you asleep?" "I never know." "There's somebody here who'd like to say goodbye to you." "Thanks for everything you did." "And everything you didn't." "In a place with characters, you held your own, "Doctor"." "No, not any more." "Goodbye, my son."