"Hello." "Hey, Rob." "Steve." "Oh, hiya." "How are you?" "Good." "Good." "Uh..." "listen, are you free next week to go away?" "Where?" "It's kind of a tour, tour of the North, restaurant tour, really good restaurants." "Right." "Why me?" "Well, Mischa is unavailable." "You've met Mischa, haven't you?" "Uh, is she your assistant?" "No, that's Emma." "No." "No, Mischa's my girlfriend." "Oh, yeah, yeah, the Australian girl." "No." "God, no." "That was ages ago." "No." "Anyway, it doesn't matter." "Mischa can't come, and I don't want to go alone." "I've asked other people, but they're all too busy, so, you know, do you want to come?" "Uh... well, don't know, really." "I'd have to ask Sally." "It's a job." "I'm not asking you to go on holiday with me or anything weird." "It's for The Observer Magazine." "Right." "They're gonna pay for everything, and there's a small fee, which I'll split with you 60-40." "When is it?" "Next Monday." "Oh." "[horn honks] [horn honks]" "Rob, Steve's here." " All right?" " Hey, yeah." " Hi, Steve." " We're off." "Hello." "Hi." "Ah, you know Sally and Chloe." " Yeah, yes." "Hi." "Hello." "Hi." " Nice to see you." "How are you?" "Very good." " Nice to see you." " Hello." "What is that?" "This, just pickax handles." "[growling]" " Seriously?" " Climbing gear." " Yeah, just in case we..." " We're climbing?" "Got you a set of crampons too." "I'll ring you, okay?" "Oh, yes, please do." "I love you." "Look after mummy." "Give me a kiss." "Have fun." "[whispering] Give him a kiss." "If you haven't heard anything from me in five days, alert the authorities." "I'll send out a search party." "Drive safely." " Okeydoke." " Bye-bye." " Have a good time." " Give a little wave to you." "I give a little wave to you." "No?" "I'm gonna give another little wave to you." " Oh, I'm going." "Bye-bye." " Bye." "Bye." "Bye-bye." "Can you say good-bye to Dad?" "Say good-bye." "Are you gonna wave?" "I thought we'd go M1, M6, come off at junction 31, and there's a short drive on the A59 to Clitheroe." "From there, it's a very short hop to Whitewell." "And how long will that take?" " About four hours." " Four hours?" "That's not very much." "Why aren't we using sat nav?" "I've always liked maps." "When we would go on holiday as kids, my dad would plan the route, you know, and show us on the map what the route was, and we'd all follow it, you know?" "It was great." "The good news is, I've found the M1." "Ah." "I wouldn't have had you down as having a four-wheel drive." "It's not mine." "Mischa thought it would be good." "She thought it would be useful in the Lake District, the Yorkshire Dales." "You know, it's not like down south, Rob." "There's a lot of bumpy roads up there." "Where... why isn't she here?" "'Cause she's..." "she had to go back to America." "Oh, dear." "Have you... you haven't separated?" "It's in limbo, you know?" "It's in limbo." "So is it all over?" "No." "I don't know." "I don't know." "It's just... it's all..." "Well, let's go here." "Let's get some breakfast here." "Ah, oh, no, let's not." "I've been up since half past 5:00 with Chloe, and I've not eaten a single thing." "Really?" "You could write about it." "Why don't you review the food and say," ""I'm staring off by talking about what real people eat"?" "No, that's been done." "That's been done before." "It's 2010." "Everything's been done before." "All you can do is do something someone's done before but do it better or differently." "To some extent, that's correct." "[Joy Division's Atmosphere playing] [moody post-punk music]" "Why are we listening to this?" "That's what I've chosen for the soundtrack for this landscape." "It's not expected." "You think of that as industrial, of sort of... associate that kind of music normally with an urban landscape." "# Walk in silence #" "# Don't walk away #" "# In silence #" "# See the danger #" "# Always danger #" "# Endless talking #" "# Life rebuilding #" "# Don't walk away #" "[humming] [clears throat]" "This looks lovely." "Beautiful, isn't it, eh?" "It's the sort of place you'd shoot a Miss Marple." "Hello." "Hi." "Hi." "Should be a reservation under the name "Coogan."" " Hi, Mr. Coogan." " Two rooms under "Coogan."" "Sorry, we only have one double room for you." "Uh, it may be under his name, Brydon." "Is another room under the name "Brydon"?" "No." "No Brydons." "Sorry." "I thought there should have been two rooms booked." " Hello." "Hi." " Hi." "This is Mr. Brydon." "Can we book another room?" "I'm sorry, but we're fully booked tonight, sir." "Can share." "That's all right." " No, we can't." " It's a big room." "Right, I'm gonna call Emma and get to the bottom of this." "I just said, seriously, I don't mind sharing a bit." "There's no signal here." "What do I do?" "Sometimes you can get it outside." " Okay." " At the back." "Okay." "All right." "I'll try and sort this out." "Oh, dear me." "[phone ringing]" "Hello." " Hi." " Hiya." "Emma, listen, I'm at the inn at Whitewell." "Yeah." "There's only one room." "Well, you can stay with Mischa, can't you?" "I'm not with Mischa." "I'm with Rob Brydon." "Well, this is lovely." "I mean, I'd be happy to sleep here." "[phone ringing]" "Put a little bed down there, and I'd sleep there very happily." "So are you friends or..." " No, we work together." " Okay." "So I'm just, you know..." "I'm just with him." "Are you his assistant or... [phone ringing] [chuckles]" "In a way, yes." "I thought you said you were going with Mischa." "No, I said I was thinking of going with Rob." "I told you." "Okay, look, I'm sorry." "Now I'm left having to share a room with Rob for the night." "I'm sorry." "I messed up." "Make sure all the other hotels have got separate rooms, right?" "Okay." "All right." "Thank you." "All right, love." "Bye." "Yeah, bye." "I'm sorry." "It's a bit of a warren here." "No, it's part of its charm." "[laughs] Thank you." "So what's your name?" " Magda." " Magda." " And yours?" " Steve." "Yes, none of this "Mr. Coogan" nonsense." " So here it is." " Oh, very nice." "Beautiful, yeah." "Very nice indeed." "It's a very nice view." "Look at that." "Very big." "So..." "There we go." "Come on." "Up you jump." "Okay, I'll leave you to it." " Thank you." " And here is the key." " Thanks, Magda." " Bye." "This is a huge bed." "We could easily share this bed." "It might be huge to you." "It's average size to me." "Oh, that's right." "I forgot." "You're considerably taller." "What's the problem, anyway?" "What do you think is gonna happen?" "Eh?" "You might touch my bottom." " All right." " Even an accident." "Were you an altar boy?" "Yes, I was." " Seriously?" " Yes." "Oh, all right." "Well, I'll go on the sofa if you want, if it's..." "Sorry, I didn't realize we were into Oprah Winfrey territory." "Are you seriously saying you were abused as a child when you were an altar boy?" "Only verbally." "And physically." "But not sexually." "You know, just punched... by a priest." "There's no signal here." "You won't get a signal." "I'm on wireless." "Ah." "Yes, who's having scallops?" "I am the scallops." "Thank you very much." "And the soup." "Thank you." "Lovely." " Okay." " Yes." "Enjoy your starters." "Thank you." "Soup of the day." "Can't go wrong." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Yours looks more interesting, but... [smacking lips]" "Mmm." "What's yours like?" "Well, it tastes of tomatoes." "Not a connoisseur, are you, with food?" "Look, the reason I was doing this trip was to bring Mischa along." "She's passionate about food." "She loves food." "She's the food buff." "She's the food..." "she's a very confident foodie, and I thought she could help me, and I wanted to show Mischa the... you know, the North, show her a piece of me." "You're from Manchester." "You could take her round and show her the gun crime sites." "I'm from the North." "The North has an identity of itself." "Yeah, not the same way that Wales does." "I think it does." "I think the North had..." "The North could be a different country." "It has as much of an identity as Wales." "Are you seriously saying that you think the North of England... hang on... a stronger identity than Wales?" "Yeah... yes." "Industrial Revolution, the very first railway in the world in Manchester, which revolutionized the world probably more than anything else in the last 200 years." "Richard Burton." "[stammering as Burton]" "Man from being ex-prison admiral... napkins like God." "Anthony Hopkins." "[as Hopkins] I want a room with a view." "I want to see a tree." "[slurping]" "I think anyone over 40 who amuses themself by doing impressions needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror." "Well, broadsheet journalists have described my impressions as stunningly accurate." "Well, they're wrong." "I've not heard your Michael Caine, but I assume it would be something along the lines of:" "[as exaggerated Caine] My name's Michael Caine." "That is where you are so wrong, and you can look at my live video to prove... because that's the very thing I don't do." "I say that he used to talk like that." " Do your Michael Caine." " Okay." "[as Caine] I say Michael Caine used to talk like this in the 1960s, right?" "But that has changed, and I say that over the years... [lowering pitch] Michael's voice... has come down..." "several octaves." "Let me finish." "[gravelly voice] And all of the cigars and the brandy don't..." "let me finish can now be heard..." " Okay." "I've not fucking finished." "In the back of the voice, ...and the voice now..." " Okay." "Will..." "I've still not finished." "'Cause you're panicking." "You know I'm about to... [as '60s Caine] Because you look like you're about to bloody talk!" "Let me finish." "[as gravelly Caine] Right, so Michael Caine's voice now, in the Batman movies and in Harry Brown..." "I can't go fast, because Michael Caine... talks... very... very... slowly." "Right, this is how Michael Caine speaks." "[as nasally Caine] Michael Caine speaks to his nose like that." "He gets very, very specific." "It's very like that." "When it gets loudly, it gets very loud indeed!" "It gets very specific." "It's not quite nasal enough the way you're doing it, all right?" "You're not doing it the way he speaks!" "You're not doing it with the kind of... [voice cracking] And you don't do the broken voice when he gets very emotional, when he gets very emotional indeed." "She was only 16 years old." "She was only 16..." "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" "[normal voice] That's Michael Caine." "[sighs]" "Excuse me." "Sorry." " Thank you very much." " Was everything okay?" "Oh, it was very nice indeed, yeah." "Quite tomato-y." " And soupy." " Thank you." "Hotter than I was expecting." "More heat in the chili sauce." "There was a lot of heat in my scallops." " My scallops were hot." " There's a joke there." "[as Al Pacino] Plenty of heat in my scallops." "Heat." "Pacino." "De Niro." "Michael Mann." "What do you got?" "Four bodies in a morgue." "I'm out there every fucking day." "Ugh." " Yeah?" "Heat." " Yeah?" "A movie where De Niro and Pacino are running a celebrity magazine." "[as Pacino] What do you got?" "I need a photo exclusive of Katie Price having a botox." "[as De Niro] Ain't got it, Al." "We can't do it." "We can't do it." "It's not looking... [as Pacino] What do you mean it's not looking good?" "I got to have her on the front page right now!" "Every day I'm there!" "Hey, calm it down." "All right." "Sorry." "It's all right." "They don't mind." "They love it." "Yeah, well, not sure about that, but anyway..." "Ever worked with Michael Mann?" "I don't work with mainstream Hollywood directors." "I work with auteurs." "Like in Rain Man?" "[as Raymond Babbitt] Oh, I'm an excellent director." "I'm an excellent director." "I directed the whole movie in one go." "No, that's autistic." "I know that." "I wonder..." "that's autistic savant." "Is there such a thing as an autistic impressionist?" "'Cause if there is," "I think that might be the key to your condition." "[as Pacino] Maybe you're right." "I don't know, but I see a guy with something stuck up his ass who's too uptight to let go." "No, I like humor." "I like levity." "I like brevity." "I just like to..." "Gravity?" "Where do you stand on that?" "Um, firmly." "On terra firma." "[as Groucho Marx] You like levity, brevity, and gravity." "[as Dustin Hoffman] It's great to meet you." "It's terrific to meet you." "I got to tell you, you're a terrific actor." "I like your work." "I caught your work the other day." "I was watching the television in my room, and I said," ""Who is this guy?" ""He's not as tall as Coogan, but he's better." "I like him a lot."" "Do you find as you get older... food gets stuck in your teeth more?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yes." "Yeah." " More readily?" " You know why that is?" " Why?" " Receding gums." "[mumbling]" "Revealing the crack, the gap, between the tooth and the gum." "As you..." "look, look." "Look how much..." "look." "What are you showing me?" "My gums." "Those look all right, you know." "[mumbled] Can you see them receding?" " Mm, yes." "Yeah." " Yeah?" "Well, that is a honey trap for morsels of food." "That is an open invitation." "A bit of food sees that, he goes running towards it." "It's not good if you're on a date." "You still go on dates, do you?" "Yeah, if I want to pick my..." "what I do is," "I normally go to the toilet." "I take a toothpick, go to the toilet, and just get every little bit out of my teeth, or I try to avoid foods that get lodged in your teeth, 'cause..." "Really?" "You don't want to try and go and kiss a girl with a big lump of chicken stuck inside of one of your molars." "See that strikes me as odd, that a man at our age would be thinking about trying to kiss girls." " Hi, sorry." " Hello." "It's your lucky day." " Why?" " We've had a cancellation." "You don't have to share a bed tonight." "I'll drink to that." "Shall I leave you in room 15 and move Mr. Brydon into 7, or..." "Which is the better room?" "7 is a bit bigger, but I prefer 15." "Maybe you want to see it?" "Um... yes, I think I would." "Do you mind excusing me?" "I could come as well if you want." "Nah." "Yeah, it's open." " Sorry." " Okay." "Okay, so this is room number 7." "That's nice, yeah." "Beautiful room." " Nice view." " Yeah?" "I find the view is very important." "You can't go wrong around this area." "Everything's beautiful." "It is." "I know." "It's true." "It's pretty high, isn't it?" "It reminds me of The Princess and the Pea." " [laughs]" " Do you know that?" " Yes, I do." " Hans Christian Andersen." "Do you have..." "Do you know him in Poland?" "Of course." "Of course we read." "Yeah, no, we do read." "Right." "Okay." "Where is he from?" " Um..." "Denmark." " Denmark." "That's right." "Yes." "Denmark." "Yeah." "I don't like the Danish." "[as nasally Caine] No, it's like that, isn't it?" "No, it's like that." "Through the nose." "Through the nose." "[mumbling] Michael Caine's voice is through the nose." "So how long have you worked here?" " Long?" " Almost a year." "Right." "Okay." "So you and Rob, do you work a lot together or..." " Very rarely." " [laughs]" "If I can avoid it." "I mean, you seem to know each other quite well." "It's all right, but the relationship's purely platonic." "So what should we do?" "Well, which is the one you liked?" "15." "Yeah, I prefer 15." "I think we should go with that." "Do they accommodate you here, or do you have, like..." "There are cottages for the staff at the main house, so yes, I live nearby." "Well, that's handy." "I'm very nearby, yeah." "Hi, is that Greg?" "It is, yes." " Hey." " Hey, how are you?" "Very good." "You emailed me, asked me to call." "Can you hear me, Greg?" "No, I can't..." "Can you hear me now?" "Can you hear me now?" "Yes, yes." "I can hear you." "Okay, I'll stay here." "Right, Doctor Who are very keen again." "Doctor Who?" "What, is it the baddie?" "Yep." "I don't want to do British TV." "Well, I mean, all you need is... you just need one film, Steve, and that will propel you." "I've done ten." "You need the right film." "You see, you've got a huge amount of momentum behind you." "Yeah, you get momentum when you're going downhill." "Well, yes, but..." "I want to be in films, good films." "Where exactly are you at the moment?" "I'm in the Trough of Bowland." "Rather appropriately, Greg, I'm in a trough, literally and metaphorically." "Yeah, is Mischa with you?" "Is she enjoying it?" "Yes, she's..." "yes, she's... yes, she is, yeah." "[sheep bleating]" "[engines revving]" "[panting]" "[line trilling]" "Hello?" "Hello?" "Hey, it's me!" "What time is it?" "It's, uh, it's 12:00, your time." "Oh, shit." "I'm late." "Oh, you just got up?" "Yeah, I had a really late night." "I guess I got in at, like, 3:00 or 4:00 maybe." "Where'd you go?" "I told you, I went to this, uh, magazine party, this magazine launch." "I thought it'd be a good place to go and meet some people and pitch some of my ideas, and it was really good." "I met some amazing people, and there's lots of interest." "Yeah?" "Who'd you meet?" "Who was interesting?" "I met the, um, the editor of Esquire, and he, uh, he's interested in the story I did about the bikers when I went back home." "Does he fancy you?" "God, you know what?" "That really pisses me off when you do that like I've got nothing else to offer." " I'm not saying..." " Whatever." "Listen, listen, I've got to go." " Hey, listen..." " I'm gonna be late, okay?" "Okay." "Hey, uh, uh, well, I miss you." "Yeah, I miss you too." "Good." "I got to go." "Listen, well, let's just speak later, okay?" " Okay." " Okay, bye." " Bye." "Bye, baby." " Bye." "[wind howling] [sighs]" "[bell ringing]" "Bye." "Bye." "[door clicks] [sighs]" "[sighs]" "I thought we'd go up to Dunsop Bridge, up through the Trough of Bowland, through Abbeystead, get on the M6 at junction 33, then off at junction 36 a bit further up, and that'll take us almost all the way to Cartmel." "[cattle lowing]" "Did you cement Anglo-Polish relations?" "There was a summit in my bedroom." "I won't go into detail, but there were more than talks about talks." "In fact, I'd go as far as to say there was an historic accord." ""What joy it was to be alive, but to be young was very heaven."" "That's Wordsworth, I think, going on about the French Revolution." "That was when he was younger, before he started going on about daffodils." "[sheep bleating]" "This is a wild and windy moor." "It is." "Misty moor, really, but, you know..." " Christy Moore." " Christy Moore." "Bobby Moore." "Dudley Moore." "Roger Moore." "Kenneth Moore." "Dudley and Peter." "Peter and Dudley." "Oh, God." "both: # Out on the wild and windy moor #" "# We'd roll and fall in green #" "# You had a temper like my jealousy #" "# Too hard, too greedy # [phone ringing]" "Hello." " Hi, it's me." " Hi, how are you?" "Where are you?" "I'm... we're just in the Trough of Bowland heading towards..." " Cartmel." " Cartmel." "Can you..." "can you talk to Joe?" "What?" "He's getting a bit out of hand." "He was drinking last night." "Oh, Christ's sakes." "I've had one of his friend's parents call me concerned about his behavior at their house, and he's been really ill this morning, and he won't go to school." "Oh, Christ's sakes." "So I need you to talk to him, because he just doesn't listen to me at the moment." "Okay, I will do that today." "Can you do that today?" "Yeah." "Yes." "I will do that today." " How's Mimi?" " Well, I've got to go." "Oh, okay." "All right." "Bye." "Bye." "Thanks." " Bye." " Bye." "[sighs]" "Well, it's none of my business, but I thought she was very unreasonable." "Catherine manages to put me on the back foot from "hello."" "It's extraordinary skill." "Do you like taster menus?" " I'm not sure." " I do." "I think when they're good, they're really good." "And when it's not done well, it's very frustrating." "There we have some little canapes to begin with with a duet of tapioca-based crackers, spiced popcorn, and the lollipops are made out of duck fat with peanuts." "Thank you very much." "Check on two covers, lunch menu, please." "That's a big piece of popcorn, isn't it?" "It's very nice." "I like that as well." "Enormous green quaver." "Duck fat lolly." "Well, why not?" "It's just like my comedy." "It's, like... it's familiar... like, we all know what a lolly is... but there's something very different about it." "And like lollipops, it's something that we enjoyed a long time ago." "[crunching]" "Mm." "To begin with, we have a nice little appetizer." "We've got the liqueur made out of the mallow leaves topped with a fizz which is made out of ginger beer with whiskey as well as chili." " Cheers." " Cheers." "That's nice." "It's like..." "Tastes of a childhood garden." "Well, it's got a bit of alcohol in it, so it tastes..." "Was there a lot of alcohol in your garden as a child?" "I'm sorry, Rob." "[indistinct chatter]" "Everything's all right?" "It's lovely." "Delicious." "Very different." "Very interesting." "Yeah." "Cheers." "Mmm." "It's got... it is a bit..." "I mean..." "I have to... the consistency is a bit like... is a bit like snot, but it tastes great." "They said it was delicious." "What can I say?" "I can't get the image of snot out of my head now." "[clears throat]" "Every time I look at that, I want to..." "That was lovely." "Really nice." "Very nice indeed, yeah." " Thank you." " Thank you." "I use my tweezers for this." "There we are, gentlemen." "At the bottom of those little sacks, you've got some diced smoked hare as well as shredded radishes covered with a very smooth duck foie gras mousse." " Thank you." " Enjoy." "Thank you very much." "Mmm." "That's fantastic." "So your next course is what we call the Humphrey's pool." "It's a shellfish broth made out of mussel, clams, cockles, which are cooked in their own juices before to be garnished with a shredded local seaweed." " Thank you very much." " Thank you." "I've never eaten a shellfish broth before." "He mentioned cooking in their own juices." "Imagine that, eh?" "It's a lovely thought, isn't it?" "Being cooked in your own juice." "I'll be honest," "I don't think I could muster more than a thimbleful." "Then, of course, with this one, you've got some little Manx Queenies, which are baby queen scallops." "They are resting on grilled baby gem and parsnip coulis as well as a light, creamy horseradish sauce." " Thank you." " Lovely." "Rather optimistic to say they're resting." "Their days of resting have been and gone." "They are dead." "So what we'll have at the base of the dish, we've got a goat cheese mousse and a globe artichoke puree, and that is garnished with deep-fried globe artichoke leaves as well as baby Jerusalem artichoke." " Thank you very much." " Thank you." "Um..." "I don't like artichoke." "I should just say that." "Drinking the wine makes me feel quite sophisticated." "A bit like, you know, James Bond ordering a martini." "[as Sean Connery] I'd like a... [sighs]" "Like a martini, shaken..." "not stirred." "I want it now." "Don't make me wait." "[as Connery] I'll have a vodka martini, shaken, but not stirred." "[as Connery] I'll have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred." " I'll have a vodka..." " I'll have a vodka... [normal voice] You look very worried." " [as Connery] So do you." " No." "You should take a look at your face." "[as Connery] I'll have a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred." "You look like you're recovering from a stroke and learning how to get mobility again." "I'd like a vodka martini, shaken, but not stirred." "I can feel my legs." "It's a miracle." "[as Roger Moore] I'd like a vodka martini, shaken, but not stirred." "[as Moore] I'd like a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred." "[as Francisco Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond," "You derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do." "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do." " I'm saying that bit." " I know." "When you say it, just don't caricature it." "Try and do it real." "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond." "Shut up." "Don't tell me how to act." " Well, I bloody should do." " Why?" "Because sometimes you tend to sort of, you know, crank it up a bit." "Yeah, whereas you are widely regarded as the king of understatement." "All right, I would do it like this." "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you get just as much of..." " Try and get the lines right." " All right." "I know." "As a rule, it's more effective if you don't fluff the line." "I'll deliver it with a nice bit of understatement." "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do." " That was the worst..." " Okay." "All right." "This is it." "This is it." "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do." "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do." "[normal voice] Fucking yeah." "No, you went up at the end like you watch Australian soaps." "Yes, did you see I did on my face?" "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, [stammering] you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do?" "[as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you derive just as much pleasure from killing [muffled] as I do." "[as Connery] When I kill, I kill for queen and country, though I admit, killing you... [mumbling]" "Come, come, Mr. Bond, you derive just as much... [mumbling]" "Sorry, you derive just as much [belching] pleasure from killing as I do." "Hello?" "Hi." " Hey." " Hey." "It's me." "Hey, how's it going?" "It's great." "It's great." "I mean, yeah... yeah." "Where are you now?" "I'm in L'enclume." "No way." "Yeah, I'm at the fancy-schmancy restaurant." "Oh, I really wanted to go there." "What's happening with that editing thing, the job with the guy, you know, and the..." "It's going really well, I think." "They gave me an assignment in Las Vegas." "Las Vegas?" "What are you going there for?" "For work." "I just told you." "To do... what are you gonna write about?" "I'm gonna go do this really interesting piece on prostitutes in Vegas, that kind of, like, good girls gone bad Vegas style story." "Well, what if you become a good girl gone bad?" "Oh, Jesus, Steve." "What, do you think I'm gonna go to Las Vegas and become a prostitute?" "[cattle lowing] beep!" "Hey, Joe, it's dad." "Just wanted to have a chat, you know, see what's happening." "So give me a call when you can, right?" "Love you." "Bye." " Are you all right?" " Yeah, fine." "Yeah?" "All good?" "Chloe okay?" "[phone ringing]" "Hello?" "It's Steve Coogan." "Hey." "[laughs]" "Ha-ha." "Hey, Matt." "How you doing?" "I'm doing good, man." "How are you?" "Good." "Good." "Yeah, great." "Would you be up for a bit of... a bit of phone sex?" "Ah, I might be." "Hmm." "Yeah." "[as Hugh Grant] Could I... could I... could I... could I interest you in some rather salacious sort of..." "If I sort of do this Hugh Grant, might that sort of... [stammering] get you, as it were, going, if I..." "He doesn't do it for me." "You know, it's like I keep telling you, it's like the tortoise and the hare, all right?" "What, so I'm a tortoise?" "Great." "Speaking of boiled eggs," "I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms." "Ah, you saucy boy." "Don't say "ah."" "You should say "ooh."" "Fwah." "Yeah, "fwah." Thank you." "Someone overheard Nick Stevens at an Endeavor meeting, and someone brought my name up, and he said, " I wish I'd gotten hold of Steve Coogan when he was 35."" "I mean, I was..." "[stammering]" "I thought, " Crikey, is that it?" "Is it game over?"" "I mean, I'm 41." "You're not 41." "I'm not." "No." "I'm 44." "I've been 41 for three years." "I've been telling people I'm 41 for three years." "You get yourself off to Noddington, and I shall bed down here with a rock as my pillow, the stars as my canopy, and this local barmaid as my duvet." "[laughs]" "I like the way you laugh at that like it's not a possibility." "I know it's not gonna happen." "What do you mean it's not gonna happen?" "Well, I mean, it could." "I pulled you." "It's a good time for you, you know?" "It's a good time to be Steve Coogan." "Okay, good." "That all sounds great." " This is your year." " I hope so." "I can't do anything when you're stuck over there, all right?" "So get your ass back here." "Okay, we'll do that." "Thanks for the call then." " Ciao." " Okay, bye." "[sighs]" "It's incredible." "Everybody wants to work with you." "I get a call from P.T. Anderson." "I get a call from Wes Anderson." "Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes, Alexander Payne, all of them." "They're all auteurs." "Yeah, and they're all geniuses, and they want to work with the genius." "I want to do mainstream movies." "Well, the Farrelly brothers want to work with you, okay?" "The Scotts, Tony and Ridley, they want to do a movie together." "Never done that before." "They want to do a thing with you where it's, like, the future, but it's 500 years in the past, and you're, like, some guy who's, like, a warrior that came..." "I don't even know what it is, but they want to do it with you, okay?" "It's incredible." "Coens, calling up." "Wachowskis, both of them want to work with you." "All the brothers, my man." "All the brothers want a piece of Coogs." "It's like..." "I can't believe it's happening." "Well, Steve, guess what." "Wake up." "Smell the coffee, all right?" "The dream is happening right now." "You're living the dream, Steve." "[moaning]" "It's all a dream." "Come back." "Wait, come back." "Can't." "I got a thing." "But..." "I don't think I'll talk to you later, but at some point, okay?" "[moans]" "So I thought we'd take the B5278 along the west bank of Windermere." "Then when we get to Rydal, we're gonna take the A591 up to Keswick." "I've printed out some reviews..." "Oh, great." "Oh, that's good." "For L'enclume, and basically, with L'enclume, you can say whatever you want, because it goes from the terrible to the wonderful." "Victor Lewis-Smith." ""Never mind all the talk of inventiveness and variety," ""the result was as formulaic as McDonald's" ""with the same splatter of Technicolor bird shit on every plate."" " Then..." " That's a bit unkind." "Giles Coren in The Times." ""Love is not strong enough to describe what I felt" ""about L'enclume in Cartmel." ""I am breathless with admiration, respect," ""and awe for the skill, imagination, and restraint" ""of the 20-odd plates of Simon Rogan's food that I ate in my two visits."" "2/3 of the way through that, you were thinking of doing Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?" " Yes." " Yeah, I heard it." " I heard it in your voice." " Are you glad I didn't?" "I am glad you didn't." "I admire your restraint." "[as Hopkins] " I was dazzled," ""blown away by the originality, integrity, and extravagance." ""I found it the best restaurant experience over the years." "Love is not strong enough to describe what I felt about it!"" "Please, Christ." "Restaurant I would easily promise to honor and obey!" "I will honor you, sir!" "I will honor you and the restaurant, sir!" "No, sir!" "No, sir!" "I shall not, ah!" "I'm breathless with admiration and respect..." "All right." "All right." "Jesus Christ." "It's so early, shouting like that." "It's really horrible." "It's really unpleasant." "Well, he is when he does that, isn't he?" "I know." "I know." "He is, and by default, you are." "Well, yeah, because I inhabit the role, sir." "I'm not a turn, am I?" "I inhabit the role." "Yeah, no, you're a real method actor." "Yeah." "You're right up there with Pacino and..." "Oh, Christ, I better be careful what I say." "[as Pacino] What do you got?" "Hello, hello, there's method in my madness." "Why are we self-catering?" "We thought we would go and stay the night at Greta Hall when Mischa was gonna come with me originally, because we thought we could make love in the bed that Coleridge slept in and made love in and that it would lend a poetic, romantic frisson" "to our congress." "Still be romantic, just the two of us." " We can be chummy." " Yeah, yeah, chummy." " Yeah." " Chummy." "Without the bum." " Bumless chums." " Bumless chums." "Coleridge left quite quickly after he moved here, so Robert Southey had his wife and Coleridge's wife and another Fricker sister living here, plus the children, so he was the only man looking after all these children" "and the wives as well." "So he, you know, he had to..." "'Cause Coleridge was off on his travels." "Couldn't cope with the domesticity of life." "He found it very difficult." "He found it very hard to be creative." "Yes, yes, there's bells ringing all over the place here." "He came back, though, didn't he?" "Periodically, he would come back and visit, uh-huh." "Hmm." "We don't think... well, there isn't very much evidence that he actually had sent any money back, which is a bit tricky." "I'm very consistent with my maintenance, Rob." "Oh, no, you are." "I would never say anything." "In case you wanted to draw a parallel there." "So this was Coleridge's study." "Wow." "And possibly his bedroom as well." "Hey." "He would, like... probably had opium in here maybe." "Possibly laudanum, because that's what they were taking at that time, initially as a painkiller, but then perhaps he would... well, he did become addicted to it." "Oh, hey." "Look at that." "See that?" "Beautiful." "You can't paint that." "Well..." "Well, you could, but it'd be a bit rubbish." "Probably sell it for about 25 quid in one of the tourist shops around here." "Fuck." "Why do you do that, eh?" "Why?" "You know it's physically impossible?" "[groans]" "My back." "[sighs]" "Are you ready to order?" "Yes, please." " Shall I go first?" " Yep." "Could I have the scallops to start, please?" "And then I'll have the pigeon as the main course." "I will have the rabbit, please, followed by the lamb." "Thank you." "Nice image, rabbit following a lamb." "That's a bit weird." "Rob." "A bit weird." "Oh, yeah." "Can we have a knife for the butter, please, and a rolled-up £20 note for the salt?" "Thank you." "Gentlemen, your wines." "The Cheverny and the Chablis Premier Cru." "Ah, marvelous." "Premier Cru." "I know that that means it's good." "Premier Cru." "Premier, first, the best." "Cru?" "Don't know." "[laughs]" "Mystery." "Mystery." "But that's good." "It's good to have mystery about these things." "It's a premier." "That's good." "It's the first of something." "Okay, service." "Table six, scallops." "Lovely." "This is Hazlett on Coleridge." ""All that he had done of moment he had done 20 years ago." ""Since then, he maybe is said" ""to live on the sound of his own voice." "He is a general lover of art and science."" "That's true." ""And wedded to no one in particular."" "Okay, it's about me." "I didn't realize, but carry on." "" He pursues knowledge as a mistress."" "Okay." "" It was not to be supposed that Mr. Coleridge could keep on" ""at the rate he set off." ""A-ha." "He could not realize all"..." "Is that written down?" "" And less could not fix his desultory ambition." "Other stimulants supplied the place"..." "Careful, you were going to Jimmy Saville then, but I'll let it go." "" Other stimulants supplied the place and kept up" ""the intoxicating dream, the fever, and the madness of his early impressions."" "Right." "I don't do impressions." "I'm saying that it can be hard to have a big success." "Bob Balaban said, " Never be hot." "Always be warm."" "And a lot of the people that are thought of as great had... [mimics explosion] supernova moments." "Where do you go from there?" "Well, it's difficult, you know, once you've achieved greatness, to match that." "I imagine it is." "Yeah, and you'll always imagine, because it's not a problem you'll ever have to contend with." "But that's not a problem for me, why?" "I'd rather be me than you, because I'd rather have these moments of genius than a lifetime of mediocrity." "My career is not mediocre." "Doesn't matter about the thyme." " Scallops." " Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Golly." "Thank you." "I always think of Coleridge as sort of a Richard Burton type character." "[as Burton] In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn a stately pleasure-dome decree where Alph, the sacred river, ran through caverns measureless to man down to a soundless sea." "I'm very impressed with that." "You shocked me, 'cause I would have thought that you would have preferred" "Olivia Newton-John's version of Xanadu." "I think both Newton-John and Coleridge tackled the subject of Xanadu with varying degrees of success." "They call it Xanadu." "Yes." "Xanadu." "Xaaaanadu." "In Xanadu." "First one, pigeon, lamb encore, followed by duck, lamb encore." "Thank you." "Golly, that does look nice." "That looks lovely." "What is that?" " Pigeon." " Really?" "Yeah." "Mmm." "It's a little like haggis." "Yeah?" "Anyone ever asks you to go on a haggis hunt, be careful what you say." "[as Connery] They've taken you for a fool." "Taken you for a fool." "As a bloody fool." "[mumbling] There's no such thing as a haggis hunt." "[sighing] [mumbling]" "I just imagined myself pointing my knife upside down and just pressing my head onto it." "Desperate to be taken seriously, aren't you?" "No." "You can't treat your entire life like a Radio 4 panel show." "Buzz." "Yes, you can." "Alex James said he celebrated his 20th birthday with alcohol, his 30th with drugs, and his 40th with food." "Is that how it is for you?" "Um..." "Well, don't you find it exhausting, still running around, going to parties and chasing girls..." "I don't run around and go to parties." "I don't run around and chase girls." "You do." " No, I don't..." " You chase girls." "I don't chase them." "You make me sound like Benny Hill." "But don't you find all that exhausting at your age?" "No." "Do you find it exhausting looking after a baby?" "Yes, I do." "Yeah, well... everything's exhausting when you're past 40." "Everything's exhausting at our age." "[sighs] [line trilling]" "Hi, Emma." "Hey, are you all right?" "Yeah, I got a missed call." "Yeah, I was just phoning to remind you about the photographer." "She's gonna meet you at Hipping Hall tomorrow." "Okay." "Well... hang on." "A photographer?" "Yeah, for the photos for the article." "We talked about it in the office, remember?" "Yeah, it's on my itinerary." "Okay, yeah." "Okay." "Her name's Yolanda, by the way." "And I'm gonna come up with her tomorrow, so you'll see me then." "Oh, so I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?" "Yeah, see you tomorrow." "All right." " Good." " Take care." "Okay, bye." "Bye." "A-ha!" "[voice echoing]" "This is Langdale." "You know what that means?" "It means "long valley" in Viking." " This would have..." " Oh!" "All this was formed in the last ice age, about 10,000 years ago." "Incredible, isn't it?" "How far are we gonna go?" "A little bit further." "Because it's late." "I know." "I know." "As you can see, the sun is now on the other side of the..." " Hello." " It's okay." "Hello." "Human history has been recorded for, what, 3,000 years?" "and yet, you know, right now, we're in a warm period, but there's gonna be another ice age very soon, in about, say, another 3,000 years, but that's the blink of an eye." "The rocks here were formed 400 million years ago." "400 million years ago." "It's like... where we are now, this was a huge volcanic caldera." "This was a volcanic lake of molten volcano, and it was on a land mass called Avalonia that drifted from the South Pole all the way to where we are now over sort of hundreds of million years." "We shouldn't probably go much further just because of the light." "It's... isn't that beautiful, that?" "Yeah." "I think it almost is more beautiful in the mist." "It's like a..." "It's like a Turner painting." "[sighs]" "Let me get two tickets for Dove Cottage." "I'm really sorry, sir, but the last admission is 5:00." "Right, okay, well, it's five past." "I'm really sorry, sir, but these are the rules." "We'll be very quick." "Yes, I know, but that really wouldn't be fair on all the other latecomers." "What other latecomers?" "I can't see anyone." "No, I know." "Not at the moment, but..." "Please?" "We've come from London." "Why didn't you come earlier?" "Well, that's... because I got stuck in traffic." "Well, I'm really sorry." "Perhaps you could come back tomorrow." " I can't come back tomorrow." " Is this man troubling you?" "What are you doing?" "Honestly." "We just wondered if we could pop inside and have a little look at the cottage." "Mr. Brydon?" "Yes, it is." "It's very nice to meet you." "Would you do something for me?" "Depends what it is." "I have a grandson, and he loves that tiny man..." "Small man in a box?" "Small man in the box that you do." "Could you sign this for him?" "Sure." "Yeah." "Thank you." "Thank you." "What's his name?" "His name is William." "Well, look, I'll sign this for William, okay, if... [as small man] if my friend and I can go take a look at Dove Cottage." "What do you say?" "I don't understand that." "[stammering]" "Why do people have to be like that?" "She wasn't being like anything." "It is only open for another half an hour, and that woman, in all fairness, is probably bereaved." "Yeah, but why... it's not my fault her husband's dead." "No, but you..." "Old people, at some time..." "not all old people, but a lot of them..." "seek out aggravation." "Oh, that's total rubbish." "She was lovely." "Looks not unlike yourself in that picture." "Okay, ready?" "One, two... [camera shutter clicks]" "Want some?" "Uh, no, thank you." "Sure?" "Absolutely." "I never smoked." "Mm." "That's the trouble with you, Rob." "You're not open to new experiences." "[scoffs]" "I would remind you of the time I had a Red Bull and Coke." "That's not what Coleridge would have been imbibing." "He wouldn't have been having a spliff, would he?" "No, he wouldn't, but I mean, if they'd been around..." "He would have definitely partaken if they'd have been around." "If you really want to pay tribute to him, you should be having some opium." "What, that's..." "Or its modern-day equivalent." "This is... well, this is... well, no, the modern-day equivalent of that, that's heroin." "Yeah, that's what I'm saying." "I'm not a junkie, Rob." "I'm not encouraging you to become hooked on heroin." "I'm just saying..." "It sounds like you are." "I'm not." "Why would I do that?" "I don't know." "For a laugh." "Ha-ha." "It was a hell of a laugh." "You know Steve?" "You seen Steve lately?" "He's living at the council estate curled up in his own shit." "Aye." "That was my doing, that was." "I suggested he try heroin." "Cracking idea." "I would never do that." "Most creative... the most creative people smoke, you know, smoke marijuana, smoke hash." "Are you Steve Coogan?" "Yes, I am." "A-ha!" "A-ha." " All right, man." "How you doing?" " Fine, thanks." "Yeah, listen, do us a favor, would you?" "Will you sign that?" " Yes, of course." " Make it out to Paul." "Okay." " Can I ask you a question?" " Yeah, of course, absolutely." "Is true, what I read about you?" "What do you read about me?" "That you're a bit of a cunt." "Well, where did you read that?" "It's in today's newspaper." "Here, look." "Uh, whoever said that doesn't know me very well." "Are you sure?" "[laughs]" "What?" ""Coogan is a cunt says dad."" "[laughs]" ""Cunt"?" "Did you not sleep well or something?" "No." "I couldn't get off 'cause of the food, and then when I did get off," "I was having awful dreams, really bad dreams." "Blue cheese." "Coleridge was a poor sleeper." "I was reading his poem called The Pains of Sleep." ""Sleep, the wide blessing," ""seemed to me distemper's worst calamity." ""The third night, when my own loud scream had waked me" ""from the fiendish dream," ""o'ercome with sufferings strange and wild," "I wept as I had been a child."" "Yes." "Oh, I know that." "That's the drugs." "What?" "Coleridge." "The opium." "He was a big druggie." "Oh, yeah." "Yeah." "You could have a costume drama here, couldn't you?" "I would..." "Mel Gibson coming over the hill." "I would just love to do a costume drama in these hills, just leaping, vaulting over dry stone walls with a scabbard." "This, like, dead look in my eyes 'cause I've seen so many horrors that I'm just immune to it." "And they always say something like, [authoritative voice] Gentlemen, to bed." "Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at first light." "Tomorrow we battle, and we may lose our lives, but remember, death is but a moment." "Cowardice is a lifetime of affliction." "Nice." "To bed, for we rise at daybreak!" "Very good." "Very good." "Very impressive." "Always leave at daybreak." "No, they never leave at, you know, 9:30." "[authoritative voice] Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9:30." " Ish." " Ish." "Gentlemen, to bed, for we rise at..." "What time is the battle?" "It's about, oh, 12:00?" "Right, 12:00." "That's about, on horseback, about three hours or something." "So we leave about 8:00, 8:30?" " 8:30 for 9:00." " Yes." "Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 8:30 for 9:00, and we rise at just after day..." "7:30, so just after daybreak." "Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9:30 on the dot." "On the dot." "Do you want to have a run, sire, in the morning?" " Yes." "Yes." " To loosen up, sire." "You know the other thing they never say is... [authoritative voice] Right, well, we'd better make a move." "I want to get back in daylight." "We'd better make a move." "To bed." "Tomorrow we rise." "We leave at 10:00-ish." "But now to bed, unless you are one of those people, like me, who finds it very hard to get off after he's eaten cheese, in which case, stay awhile by the fire, talk of battles past and old," "and then and only then, sire, go thee to bed." "And sleep well." "Sleep the sleep of 1,000 martyrs." "Sleep well, my brother." "Sleep well, my sister." "Sleep with my sister." "Sleep well, my brother." "Sleep well, my sister, but please, do not sleep with my sister." "Leave my sister out of it, all right?" "Leave my sister alone." "Don't touch her." "Gentlemen, to bed, for at daybreak, I will..." "Breakfast." "We will breakfast." " Sire, sire." " Yes?" "'T is a continental breakfast." "'Twill only take 20 minutes, max." "Thank you, Brother Rob." "Brother Rob?" "Don't call me Brother Rob." " I'd be Brother Jed." " No, no, no." "Have you seen Rob Roy?" "Liam Neeson in a kilt." "Of course you could be called Rob." "[with Scottish accent] Brother, tomorrow, tomorrow we shall have breakfast." "We shall rise at 9:00, and we shall head off tomorrow morning." "Thank you, Brother Rob." "And let me say this." "Look into my eyes." "You are my brother, and you sound a bit like Billy Connolly." "[as Connolly] I know." "I know." "I can't help it." "[as Connolly] Gentlemen, to bed, for tomorrow we rise at daybreak." "We rise at daybreak." "Why do they do that?" "They always rise at daybreak." "[both imitating orchestral piece]" "They'd always... their expressions would really match..." "# Dee-ba dee bop bop bop ba-dah #" "Yeah, big, open-face." "Happy faces." "# Ooh, ba-da, bop bop ba #" "It was nice." "It was a very un-cynical kind of music." "I miss it." "I really miss it." "Hello." " Hey, you all right?" " Yes." "This is Yolanda, the photographer." " Hi." " This is Steve." "Nice to meet you." " Rob." " Hi." " Nice to meet you." " Nice to meet you." "Hi, Emma." "How are you?" "I'm very good." "Are you all right?" "Hello." "Good." "Don't do that." "That's very funny." "Yeah, there's been none of that on the trip." "No, none of that." "Heavy petting." " Heavy petting." " We draw the line." "Pass the time somehow." "But no penetration." " Very good." " Absolutely." "Okay, it's just up here, and I looked at all the rooms, and yours is the nicest." "Good." "Good." "What's Rob's room like?" "It's nice." "It's nice." "It's not as big as yours, but, yeah." "Great." "There you go." "Oh, very nice." "Very beige." "Yeah, well, yeah." "The bathroom's through there." "There's, like, a little study area, and, yeah, it's all right." "Great." "Great." "All right." "Listen, have I met Yolanda before?" "I don't know." "Maybe before my time maybe." "We need to get some sort of a system going, you know, about who I've met before and who I haven't, because they remember meeting me, and I don't remember meeting them, so that can get embarrassing." " Do you want me to ask her?" " No, no, no." "Don't ask her." "Okay." "Okay." "Just see if she mentions anything." "Right." "Okay." "[sighs]" "So is this all right?" "Look okay?" "Yeah, you look nice, yeah." "Look a bit like that guy off Top Gear." "What, Jeremy Clarkson?" "No, no, no, the other one." "Oh, Richard Hammond?" " Yeah, yeah." " That's worse." "Well... [sighs]" "So how has the trip been so far?" "Rob?" "[as Ronnie Corbett] I can honestly say it's one of the most enjoyable periods of my life." "[chuckles]" "Yolanda, do you know who that is?" "No, I don't." "Okay, who's this?" "Ready?" "Who's this?" "[as Caine] She was only..." "She was only 15 years old." "She was only 15 years old." "She was only 15..." "listen to the sound of the voice." "I'll give you a clue." "It's not a Muppet." "[laughs]" "That's all I'm saying." "She was only 15 years old." "You're a big man, but you're out of shape." "Right, but nowadays, he's..." "Right, now, this is how he sounds now." "[gravelly Caine] The voice has gone..." "Shall I prepare the Batmobile, Master Wayne?" "That is how he talks now." "Right?" "I've just been to do an Italian Job with Hannah and Her Sisters." "On the way, I had a bit of a Zulu, so I had to pop to the loo, and then, then, I..." "I..." "Not a lot of people know... [normal voice] You know that?" " It sounds so familiar." " He's an international star." "But I really... the thing is, is it an actor?" "Yes." "No, he's the man who comes and does my boiler." "Yes, he's an actor." "He might as well be the guy who comes and does his boiler." "Because if he is an actor, in Spain, they dub the films, so I really..." "Oh, they... okay." "What, they dub the films?" "[mumbling as Caine]" "Here we go." "[mumbling as Caine]" "Not a lot of people..." " That's not my accent." " No, it's not." "No, no, it's a rough approximation." "Do you like that racist generalized interpretation of Spanish?" "[mumbling]" "Such an ass." "Right, ready, here's a clue." "This might give it to you." "[as Caine] My name is Michael Caine." "Okay." "All right." "Yeah." " Who is it?" " Michael Caine." "Michael Caine." "Hey, wow." "[as Caine] Rob's was a very entertaining version, but I don't think..." "I don't think it was as accurate as mine." "She was only 15..." "She was only 15 years old." "You're getting Michael Caine in stereo." " She was only 15..." " She was only 15 years old." "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off." "She was only 15 years old." "Oh, my God." "Yeah, I do recognize him now." "Excellent." "Let's move on." "Good." "Oh, wow." "Thank you very much." "[laughs]" "I was thinking I could take the photographs up in the hills." "I saw a place when I was coming, very nice." "Oh, right." "Okay, yes." "A lone walker." "Wandered lonely as a cloud." "Yeah, well, that sounds a bit like I'm lonely." "You gonna change your clothes?" "Again?" "Well, actually..." "I wouldn't wear that in the hills." "No, you're right." "I've got proper walking gear." "I've got, you know, crampons." "[as Alan Partridge] Oh, might like to go for a nice ramble, Lyn, up Helvellyn." "Lyn, Lyn, where are my crampons?" "Why have you brought tampons?" "That's not what I said." "No, you fool, crampons." "Oh." "That's good." "You could have written for the show, 'cause it's so up there with the best stuff." "I've love to quote your own stuff back at you, but I just don't know any." "Odd, 'cause you were executive producer on a lot of it." "And I still don't know any." "You never were that attentive at work, were you?" "So this is it, just kind of, you know..." " Nice." " Yeah, it's whatever." "It's creamy." "You like cream, then you'll be happy." "I guess just a little seating area there and a bathroom." "Wow." "It's very nice." "Don't know why I'm telling you." "[chuckles]" "Petit four." "Why are they called petit fours?" "Little oven." ""Four" is French for "oven."" "Ah." "Yolanda, did..." "have we met before?" "Yes, we have." "It was five years ago." "It was a photo shoot for Time Out." "Right, and did we do something afterwards?" " Yes, we did." " Okay." " You don't remember?" " No, I do remember." " How are you?" " I'm okay." "I'm fine, yeah." " Good." " Yeah." "Listen, I think I'm gonna have a line." "Do you want one?" " Coke?" " Yeah." "No." "No." "No." " Do you mind if I do?" " Oh, no." "Okay." "There's a bathroom there with lots of marble, so..." "Okay." "All right." "Thank you." "So they're picking clothes." "He's probably wearing the crampons now." "He's up the side of the wardrobe." "What do you think?" "What do you think?" "Does this look good?" "Like Tom Cruise in Mission:" "Impossible II." "[laughs]" " Yolanda?" " Mm-hmm?" "I mean, this is kind of, sort of, you know, outdoorsy." "Bit of the Shackleton..." "It's a bit too bright." "Well, this is what I would wear if I was, you know, genuinely out walking." "The red's just for safety reasons, really." "I've got darker stuff." "That's fine." "Okay." "You sure you don't want one?" "No." "Uh... no?" "No." "Reminds me of the kind of place where, like, Wuthering Heights..." "Oh, Wuthering Heights." "Yeah." " No, that's not far from here." " Oh, really?" "Yeah, it's the Yorkshire Moors." "That's... yeah." "A place called Howarth." "Oh, okay." "Wuthering Heights." "So do you think I could play Heathcliff?" "Definitely." "Yeah." "I'd have to me more, like..." "I'd like to play..." "I think he's, you know, he's interesting." "Very interesting." " Kind of cruel." " Mm-hmm." "Cruel, but, I don't know, compelling, I guess, is..." "There is something very attractive about him." "Yeah." "Think I'm a little old to play him, but I'd like to." "Are you sad not to be in the picture?" "I'm a tiny bit hurt that he didn't want me to, but I'm only saying that because it's you." "I'm not at a level that any human could notice." "Only dogs could detect my hurt." "Dogs and me." "Yes, and you're not a... [as Grant] If you were a dog, then I should be very happy for you to... gosh, to curl up in my basket and chew my bone." "[normal voice] That sounds..." "Yeah, sorry." "It's all right." "[camera shutter clicking] [phone ringing]" "What's that?" "Sorry, that's..." "Can I take this?" " It's my American agent." " Sure." "Hello." "Steve Coogan." "Hey, man." " Matt, how are you doing?" " I'm doing good." "What's the weather like in Steve Coogan land?" "It's frigging cold." "Well, it's hot in Hollywood." "I'll tell you that." "I wish I was." "I know the weather is." "Cut to the chase." "Cut to the chase." "You have got co-lead in a drama series." "It's called..." "let me give you the info here." "It's called..." "Yeah, it's called Pathological." "Okay, you play a pathologist." "If it goes, it's seven years." "If it goes, you're a household name." "I think the pork belly made me a little... a little amorous." " Did it?" " Yes." " Pork will do that to you." " Yeah." "Yeah." "Yeah." "Was that good news?" "Yeah, kind of." "It's... they've offered me a lead in a drama." "Oh, wow." "It's nice to, you know, nice to get an offer like that." "Absolutely." "That's just fantastic." "I'm just... my chin's okay, right?" " Your chin is absolutely fine." " Okay." "It's beautiful." "I can... you know, if you ever want to see the Bronte sisters' house, it's not so far." "If you want to go visit, I'll take you there." "[door rattles]" "Have you noticed as you get older, older women seem more attractive to you?" " And younger women." " And younger women." "Women in general." "Well, yeah." "Younger women because of their life-giving qualities, and older women just 'cause, you know, 'cause you appreciate personality more." "I thought we'd try and avoid the A roads, right, and go up the B6255 to Hawes, right, and then cut down through Oughtershaw," "Yockenthwaite, Buckden, down the B6160 through Kettlewell, then the B6265 through Grassington to Pateley Bridge, then up to Ramsgill from there, right?" "Yes, captain." "Can we use the sat nav tomorrow?" "The thing about sat nav is, you don't where you're... you have no sense of geography." "Yeah, but it gets you there the quickest way." "It's not about the destination." "It's about the journey." "Ah." "Well?" "Well?" "Did you?" "I meet women." "I charm them." "I seduce them." "It's the aristocratic way." "Women are my windmills." "I tilt at them." "I'm like a knight, a knight of old, wandering the land..." "Don Quixote." "Yeah?" "In a manner of speaking." "A British Don Quixote." "Don Coogan." "The Don." "Oh, Don Coogan." "I'm just gonna de-mist the windows, Rob, if that's all right with you." "See that there?" " That's a brook." " Yeah." "You know what it's doing?" " Babbling." " Yeah." "The only thing that babbles is a brook." "And what else?" "What else babbles?" " You." " No." "No, I ramble." "I ramble." "I ramble through the hills and occasionally at dinner parties." "They used to think this was a collapsed cave, but this was actually formed about 10,000 years ago by just traditional glaciation." "A big block of ice, say, a kilometer thick, would start to melt, and normally, the water would find tributaries and sort of..." "Whoa!" "Look at that!" "The limestone was too frozen for the..." "All right." "Don't talk." "For the rivers to find a way through." "Stop talking." "Yeah, but I'm just sharing a bit of information." "You ought to..." "I don't want to listen to you all the time." "I don't want to listen to you all the time, but you give me all that." "I've been absolutely silent all the way up here." "I'm telling you something useful about what's made this..." "Yeah, and I'd rather you didn't explain." "I'd rather look at it and appreciate it." "You're just annoyed because you don't know about..." "It's annoying you that I know about..." "I'm not annoyed." "I just want to look at it." " Just be... shush." " Okay." "All right." "I never thought you'd tell me to shush." "Christ." "Wow." "Five years have passed." "Five summers with the length of five long winters, and again I hear these waters rolling from their mountain springs with soft inland murmur." "Oft in lonely rooms 'mid the din of towns and cities" "I have owed to them in times of weariness sensations sweet." "You know where that was written?" "Tintern Abbey, Wales." "I know." "That's why I asked you." "[in high-pitched voice] Oft in lonely rooms 'mid the din of towns and cities" "I have owed to them in hours of weariness..." "You're spoiling it." "You're spoiling it." "Why do you have to do it in that voice?" "Come on." "Let's head on up." "Where?" "Up there." " You serious?" " Yeah." " No." " Why?" "It's too dangerous." "You've just got to make sure you've got secure footing." "They've got hats and backpacks." "The backpack makes it harder." "I sometimes get, like, a fluttery heart, like, an arrhythmic heartbeat, and I've got it now." "I get it when I'm stressed." "All right." "Well, I'm going that way." "I'll be about a couple of hours, right?" "How long?" " Two hours." " Two hours?" "Yeah, if it gets to three, then mountain rescue." "If you break your leg, don't come running to me." "Ha-ha." "Very good." "Steve." "Steve!" "Be careful." "[sheep bleating]" "[sighs]" " Afternoon." " Good afternoon." "Lovely day." "Beautiful, yeah." "Absolutely superb." "I know." "It's magical." "Yeah, we're very fortunate today." "Have you been here, around this area for a while, or..." "Yeah, I'm aware of, you know..." "Oh, that's excellent." "You know about the limestone a wee bit without being clever." "So you'll know that it started off life in the Bahamas somewhere around that sort of line of latitude south of the equator." "Well, the land mass was part of Avalonia." "That's right, yeah." "Yeah." "Which had joined onto Laurasia, of course, and world famous Malham limestone pavement," "I suppose, you would describe it." "Malham Cove, it's in many, many textbooks." "No, well aware of it." "And photographs." "Tremendous." "The only disadvantage with limestone, although a very hard rock, road wearing and all the rest of it, coarse base stuff, it dissolves in weak acid, and the acid derives from the water, rainwater which combines with carbon dioxide" "in the atmosphere, and then the rain falls onto the limestone, which is calcium carbonate." "Yeah." "And the features that we're looking at, these linear features, begun as, basically, cracks in the rock as it lithified." "That's right." "Yeah." "And of course, they've dissolved into the width that we see today, as have the... not only the longitudinal ones, the east-west ones, same thing, but the features on the surface are, indeed, very famous indeed." "You'll see a number of these little potholes." "Oh, yeah." "They are water solution holes known as rundkarren." "Yeah." "The long features on the surface are the rillenkaren." "Fantastic." "It's fascinating stuff." "Yeah." "Okay, I'll be on my way." " Righto." " Thanks." "Cheerio." "Bye." "Here we are." "The Yorke Arms." "Wonderful." "Wow." "This is your room, sir." "Oh, beautiful." "Yeah." "Oh, it's lovely." "The bathroom is just over there." "Yeah." "Oak." "Nice oak." "If you need anything, we'll be in reception." "Okay, can you get phone reception around here?" "No, I'm sorry, but if you go along the lake, you can have some reception there." " Great." "Lovely." "Okay." " Okay." "[line trilling]" "Hello?" "Hey." "Hey." "Where have you been?" "I called you four times last night." "You didn't call me back." "I know, honey." "Listen..." "look... [stammering]" "These restaurants that you've picked are great places, but the phone reception sucks." "It's really bad." "Have you been doing drugs?" "No." "No, of course not." "Look, if you couldn't get me, I was..." "You know where I am right now?" "I'm in a field." "It's a very beautiful field." "It's really gorgeous, but, you know, I can't really enjoy it." "I'm with a short Welsh man who does impressions." "It's not fun." "So are there lots of pretty Northern waitresses up there?" "No, there's no beautiful Northern waitresses." "They're all Spanish or Polish or from somewhere." "Great, so they're beautiful" "Eastern European waitresses up there." "Perfect." "Yeah, well, yeah, listen, you're the one who said we were taking a break, so, you know, what do you expect?" "Does that mean you've been with other girls because we're on a break?" "I wish you were here." "You could have been here with me." "Yeah, I know." "You chose not to be." "Well, you know where I am." "You can come see me anytime." "Oh, Christ." "Look at the time." "Got to go, Steve." "Hope you get reception again sometime soon." "All right." "Yes." "Thanks." "Bye, baby." "Bye, bye." "Okay, bye, bye, bye." "[imitating sonar pulse]" "What is that, a sonar?" "[imitating sonar pulse] [attempting to mimic sound] [imitating sonar pulse]" "It's got to be... [imitating sonar pulse] [attempting to mimic sound] [imitating sonar pulse]" "No, you sound like a submarine clearing its throat." "Sound like a Scouse submarine." "[attempting to mimic sound]" "Gentlemen, have you decided what you'd like?" "Could I have the soufflé to start and then the lamb, please?" "And the lamb to follow." "Thank you." "Tuna followed by the cod, please." "And then the cod." "Lovely." "Thank you very much." "I'll take those for you." " Thank you very much." " Thank you." "Just take that for you." " Okay, thank you." " Thank you." "Do you know the Abba song The Winner Takes It All?" "[stammering]" "The reason that song has so much pain is because he wrote the words for her to sing about their breakup, but he wrote the lyrics from her point of view." "# I apologize #" "# If it makes you feel sad #" "# Seeing me so tense # both: # No self-confidence #" "But you see... both: # The winner takes it all #" "It's a bit presumptuous that he's saying that she has no self-confidence." "She might say... [adopts Swedish accent] But wait," "I have plenty of self-confidence." "I'm just sad about the breakdown." "One tuna away, please." "[with Swedish accent] # I don't want to talk # both: # About things we've gone through #" "# Though it's hurting me #" "All of her Ss are high." "Though it'ssss herding me..." ""Herding"?" "Now it'ssss hissstory." "Don't make her like the chef from the Muppets." "# Though it's herding me # [mumbling as Swedish Chef]" "He was Swedish." "He wasn't in Abba." "[with Swedish accent] # Now it's hissstory #" "# I played all my cards #" "Now you sound like the Nazis from Inglourious Basterds." " Who I look like." " Yes." "[adopts German accent] # I played all my cards # [adopts German accent] Now it's hurting me, and now I'm going to kill some Jews under the floor." "[mimicking gunfire]" "Und that's what you've done too." "That's what you've done too." "The winner takes it all, Mr. Bond." "Come, come, Mr. Bond." "The winner takes it all." "[maniacal laughter]" "Come, come, Mr. Bond, you enjoy playing all your cards just as much as I do." "[as Connery] When I play my cards," "I play for Benny and Bjorn." "[laughs]" "I find the song quite moving." "Your roast cod with truffle ravioli and a spiced cauliflower." "A saddle of Nidderdale lamb with mutton pudding." " Thank you very much." " Thank you very much." "Thank you." "Yeah." "Hopkins, Sheen, Brydon, Burton, the Port Talbot four." " That's what we're known as." " Really?" "Yeah, Michael Sheen." "[as Sheen] How are you?" "Good evening." "[mumbling]" "We couldn't have done that the way that Michael does it." "Let's face it." " We could not have played..." " We?" "We?" "We?" "We couldn't." "We couldn't." "We're not the same." "We're different animals." "We couldn't play those parts." "No, you're not the same as him." "I'm more similar to him." "Well, why don't you do the sort of roles that he does?" "Because no one will give those roles to me." "I've got an albatross around my neck, and it's got the face of Michael Sheen." "Do you try for those roles?" "Yeah, and Michael Sheen gets them all." "Michael Sheen is very good." " Michael Sheen is always..." " Brilliant." "He's not brilliant; he's good." "He's solid." "He is brilliant." "I'm fucking brilliant!" "Yes, but not in the same way as..." "Michael Sheen couldn't do what you do." "Michael Sheen couldn't play Alan Partridge." "Michael Sheen couldn't play Pauline Calf." "All right?" "But equally, you couldn't play David Frost." "Huh?" "I don't believe that you really believe that I couldn't play David Frost." "I think you could play it." "Of course you could play it." "Bloody hell." "The waiter could play it." "But how well are you gonna play it?" "Very well." "[as Sheen] Hello." "[mumbling]" "I mean, Michael almost doesn't have to say the words." "He can just go..." "And you know what he's doing." "[stammering]" "You were just jutting your chin out." "Mm, that's me." "If Michael did it, people would go," ""Fucking hell, it's David Frost."" "Well, you know, I got down to the last two for Peter Sellers." "Yes, you did, and on that count, as I've told you many times before, you would have been better than Geoffrey Rush." "You know, I was actually in that film?" "Have I told you this?" "I played Dustin Hoffman." "Oh, yes, when he got his Oscar." "[as Hoffman] I had to do a speech as Dustin Hoffman." " Really?" " Yeah." "He says... and I learned this, right?" "I refuse to accept that I'm better than Jack Lemmon, than Peter Sellers, than whoever else the other one was." "He could have turned down the award." "He could have turned down the Oscar if he refused to accept..." "Yeah, all right." "That's not the point." "I'm just saying that I was in it, and I got cut out." "Oh, wow." "Thank you very much." "Look at that." "It's a chocolate inverted comma." "He's got an ironic dessert." "Thank you." "Your apple Breton with lemon sorbet and croque monsieur." "And your chocolate dessert is a warm chocolate fondant, chocolate tier, chocolate Neapolitan, and a chocolate and caramel tart." "Thank you very much indeed." "Can there be any more chocolate?" "You want some of that?" "Okay, yeah." "Good, isn't it?" "I'm sure people think we're gay." "I don't care." "No, I don't either." "I don't care." "[as small man] Where are you?" "I don't know where you are." "Somebody get me out of here." "[normal voice] Who'd have thought that would catch on, eh?" "Got an iPhone app with that on it now." "Really?" "Haven't launched it." "About to launch it." "What, to launch an iPhone app with your..." "Rob Brydon, Small Man in a Box." "I'm not a good businessman." "I'm an artist." "I'm cursed to be flawed in my business ventures, but... [as Woody Allen] I got to tell you, the food here is terrible, and such small portions." "[as Allen] [stammering]" "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best." "You know, sex between two people is a wonderful thing." "Between three, it's terrific." "[stammering]" "No, really, I enjoyed making love last night." "It was the most fun I've had without laughing." "You know, they tell me..." "I hear my ex-wife was violated in the street." "I said, " Knowing my ex-wife, it was probably not a moving violation."" "[line trilling]" "Hello?" "Hey, Joe." "It's Dad." "Yeah, I know." "Your name comes up on the screen." "Oh, that's good." "I'm gonna cut to the chase." "I spoke to your mum." "She told me what happened the other night." "I was just with some friends." "You know, it was only a drink." "Just having a bit of fun." "You can't do that." "If you work hard and..." "you know... [stammering] then you can always... you know, enjoy yourself at the weekend." "But you've got to rein it in during the week." "You have to, all right?" "Okay." "How's the trip?" "Uh..." "It's good." "You know, it's kind of enjoyable." "Rob's being, you know, sort of a pain in the ass, but I tolerate him." "How long have you known him?" "Rob?" "11 years." "Something like that." "That's amazing." "Is it?" "Yeah." "That's such a long time." "Yes." "Yeah, I suppose it is." "Yeah, he's... [stammering]" "Yeah, he's a, you know, he's a good friend." "Yeah, I miss you." "Yeah, I miss you too." "Okay, listen, I'll be back soon, and we'll have some fun time together, yeah?" "Constructive fun time, all right?" "Yeah." "All right, listen, love you." "Take care, and behave." "Yeah." " All right, mate." " See ya." "See ya." "[as Grant] I am once again bottomless." "Don't you ever get cold being bottomless?" "No, no, I don't." "I think of you, and I just let him free." "I let him off the lead, as it were." "Let him run round the car park in the hope that he sniffs up something interesting." "He's under there now." "There's only a kind of candlewick bedspread between..." "Oh, candlewick bedspread?" "That's not very sexy." "Well, there's a phone resting on him as well, so if the phone begins to move," "I'll know that you're weaving your magic, as it were." "[strained voice] Oh, help me." "I'm the small man stuck in a box." "Oh." "I'm trapped in a box." "[sighs] [muffled] I'm trapped in a..." "I'm trapped in a box." "[mumbling] I'm trapped in a box." "[mumbling]" "I'm stuck in a box." "What are you doing?" "What's happening?" "What's happening?" "Small man stuck in a box." "[nasally voice] I don't care about silly voices." "They're stupid." "Why are we going so early?" "Because I want to take in Bolton Abbey and then quickly say hi to my parents." "You don't mind..." "do you mind coming to say..." " Physically?" " Yes." "Actually visit them?" "Well, I can't leave you in the car." "You could bring me a lemonade and a packet of crisps, leave the window like that so I don't get too hot." "Yeah, and I'll bring my parents out to look at you, and your nose is through the gap there like that." "You can say, "I would bring him in, but he might make a mess."" "[as Ian McKellan] From Bolton's old monastic tower, the bells ring loud with gladsome power." "The sun shines bright." "The fields are gay with people in their best array of stole and doublet, hood and scarf, along the banks of crystal Wharf." "And thus in joyous mood they hie to Bolton's mouldering Priory." "Sir Ian McKellan." "Come, we shall walk together." "Is that why you went to bed early last night, so you could learn that poem?" "Yes." "Mission accomplished." "I don't know why..." "You weren't interested in Wordsworth before we went on this trip." "Or Bolton Abbey, going on about Bolton Abbey." "This is lovely." "This is fantastic." "I know it is." "Why'd you have to do it in Ian McKellan's voice?" "It was a lovely poem." "What would have been really nice is if you got up this morning..." "If you learned that poem, which I appreciate, even though it was meant to intimidate me." "If you got up this morning and said the poem in your own voice and meant the words." "I chose a voice to suit the mood." "I felt Sir Ian, coming, as he does, from Bolton, would be perfectly suited..." "It's a different Bolton, Rob." "Yeah, well, same word." "I thought he'd be perfectly suited for here." "And it is incredible." "I mean, look, that is incredible." "[sighs]" "Standing on a grave." "Sorry." "Will you be buried, or will you be cremated?" "I think I would like to be buried, so that I have a headstone, like Elvis, but I think that when you have a headstone and you're in a place, it puts great pressure on your family," "your surviving family, to visit you." "I'd be happy if you, you know..." "I'm happy with either." "If they buried you or cremated you, they would both suit me fine." "Would you come to my funeral?" "Would you turn up, do you think?" "Course I would." "Course I would." "Yeah." "If only to pad out the numbers, you know." "You know when someone dies and they go to the funeral and they say, you know," ""We should have done this when he was alive." "He would have loved this."" "What, cremated him?" "No, you know, hearing the eulogies." "That's what I'll say at your funeral." "We should have done this a lot when he was alive, cremated him." "[mock laughter]" "No riposte from you, 'cause you're dead." "[as small man] I don't think you should say that." "You really shouldn't..." " Yeah." " [normal voice] In the box." "You wouldn't be able to come back with your man in a box even though it would be fantastic if you had, 'cause you'd be in a coffin." "It would have been the perfect place to do it, but you wouldn't be able to do it..." "I would literally be a man in the box." "I know, it would have been great, but I'd be safe in the knowledge that I could do that, and he won't come back with his man in a box, which would have been brilliant," "but he can't, 'cause he's brown bread." "I'd be there." "I'd be there." "I'd be at your funeral." "And now, from one of Rob's very closest friends... you'll know him, of course, as TV's Alan Partridge, and he has asked specifically to come up and take 25, 30 minutes to talk about his friend Rob." "Ladies and gentlemen..." "[shushing]" "Steve Coogan." "Oh, you may also know Steve from some of his very good art house films that have been very well reviewed by some of the broadsheet newspapers." "Steve Coogan." "[sighs]" "Thanks." "Thank you." "A-ha!" "Somebody will shout that out." "One of my Welsh relatives." "Yes, yes." "Alan Partridge." "Very much alive compared with our good departed friend Rob Brydon." "Rob was an interesting guy, very funny, very entertaining, and yet, at the same time, there was something..." "Although he made me laugh and made us all laugh, I think, there was something about him that was lost, something about him that seemed unable to confront the reality of life, and so when I think of Rob," "I think of him with both a smile at some of the funny, pithy one-liners he would come out with on Radio 4 panel shows, but also for the man inside, because behind every little, pithy, vaguely amusing joke" "is a cry for help." "Not gonna finish there, are you?" " I won't finish there, no." " Jesus Christ." "Um... [stammering]" "But of course, let's not remember a man who was lost, desperately trying to legitimize his life by doing silly voices constantly and not confronting the truth." "Let's remember the other side of Rob, the Rob Brydon the entertainer, the Rob Brydon who gave some levity to our life and helped us avoid confronting the harsh realities and helped us avoid looking at the brutal reality" "of what life is." "All right, talk about some of the characters." "Some of the characters." "Who can forget his Tom Jones impression?" "[laughs]" "Who can forget that?" "[grunts] Think I better die now." "You could say that." "[as Jones] [grunts] Think I better die now." " That's good." " Yeah." "I know." "Well, I'll take over when you're..." "I'll do plenty of Tom Jones when you're dead." "Don't worry about that." "Hoo." "Oh, well, thank you." "Oh, you're welcome." "But there'll be affection there." "I'd..." "I would never stick the knife in." "I might just, like, tickle you with a knife." "That's all good sport." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Exactly." "Should it go the other way." "It's okay." "We don't..." "I'm not asking you to do that." "Let's move on." "[mumbling]" "No, I'm just saying, if it did..." " Yeah, that's all right." " I would be..." "That's okay." "I don't need to know." "I'd rather that it be a mystery." "Oh, don't run it." " What?" "What?" " Don't run!" " Why?" " There'll be moss." "Fucking hell." "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "Whoa!" "You've got stuck halfway towards your destination!" "You're stuck in a metaphor!" "I'm not." "You'll..." "Ooh!" "Ooh!" "Oh, fuck!" "[grunting]" "Fuck." "It's a metaphor!" "It's not a metaphor!" "Fuck." "Fuck." "You looked at home in the water." "I could see you perhaps branching out into more action roles." "How come you've left your black pudding?" "I don't dislike it, but I'm never sure about it." "I just naturally don't go to it." "That's 'cause there's risk involved." "There's a taboo." "Mmm." "Mmm!" "[maniacal laughter]" "This is just... really... glorious." "A sunny day in England with a fried breakfast." "It doesn't get much better." "This is nice, but if I'm being very honest with you," "I'm looking forward to being home now." "You and me both." "The most important thing to me is that I have... that my children are healthy, that I am healthy so..." "That's more important than any work, any award, anything like that." "That actually puts everything in perspective." "I dare say you'd throw away all your awards if it..." "I'd throw them in a river." "If you could exchange them for knowing your children would live a happy, long..." "I would happily throw all my awards in a river, not the sea." "Corrosion." "No, they're gonna corrode, but if I threw them in a river, if push came to shove," "I could hire a team of scuba divers to retrieve them, but, you know, the gesture is the important thing." "No, the family's more important." "No, family's more..." "of course it is." "I mean, if it was a choice between winning an award and my child being healthy, I would absolutely, you know..." "Other way around, what if..." "If you were to allow your child to have an illness, you could win, say, a BAFTA." "You could have a film BAFTA if... an illness the child would recover from but would have some discomfort." " No." " Yeah?" "That's a disgusting idea." "Let me up the stakes." "Oscar, best actor." "Eh, best actor, Steve." "What, for having an ill child?" "Of course not." " Not to..." " What kind of illness?" "Appendicitis." "[sighs]" "What, I mean..." "So they get..." ""Oh, my stomach." "Oh, my stomach's really hurt." "Where's Dad?"" ""Oh, he's on location."" ""It's really hurting, really hurting, ah."" "Doctor comes in." "Off to hospital." "[whooshing sounds]" ""Ooh, I'm weak." Then they're better." "Meanwhile," ""Academy Award winner, Steve Coogan."" "Hmm?" "Ah, now we glimpse the real man." "What do you mean?" "I'm just... what do you mean?" "I'm thinking about it." "I was thinking it through." "I think the answer's probably I still wouldn't, probably." "[humming]" "[both humming]" " Very nice." " Yeah, lovely." "Lovely place to grow up, you know?" "Hello." "Hello." " Nice to see you." " Nice to see you." " Hello." " This is Rob." " Lovely to meet you." " Lovely to see you." " Come in." " Thank you very much." " This is Molly." " Nice to see you." " Hey." " Oh, what a lovely house." "Are you all right?" "Oh, that's all right." "Hello." "This is Bernard, me dad." "This is Rob." "Nice to meet you." "Just saying what a lovely house it is." "Rob Brydon off the telly." "Oh, there he is straightaway." "Look." "Hall of fame." "[clears throat]" "Yeah." "Ooh, and a daughter." "She's a bonnie lass." "That's not a daughter." "That's our Steven." "Yeah, he's just trying to be funny." "Making a joke, yeah." "Well, he is funny, isn't he?" "Well, on occasions." "I'll go make the tea." "Oh, thank you very much." "Thank you." "Oh, this is great." " Come on through into..." " Oh, a conservatory." "Into the garden." " No, not the conservatory." " No politics, thank you." "[laughs]" "All right." "Here we are." "Tea for the troops." " Lovely." " Thank you." "[as Grant] This really is excellent." "Crikey." "Crikey." "Crikey." "Gosh." "This is excellent." "I've been to Four Weddings and a Funeral recently, and I've not had, gosh, quite such a substantial brew." "Oh, dear." "That's how you started, didn't you, Steve?" " It is, yeah." " With impressions." "Moved on now?" "Well, yeah." "Quit while you're ahead, you know?" "It was a shock to all of us when he started performing." "We thought it would be Deborah or Martin, you know." "They were always the funny ones, weren't they?" "Yeah, you were always the quiet one, weren't you?" "Well, I was in my own little world, you know, sort of, you know, escape." "I was a daydreamer." "[as Allen] I used to daydream constantly as a kid, you know, growing up in New York, and I never thought, you know," "I'd ever become a great comedian, you know?" "I just never figured I would, you know, and... [as Connery] whereas I, when I was growing up in Edinburgh, you know, before I became Commander James Bond, for me, I was quite withdrawn also." "[as Caine] I, on the other hand, grew up in the East End of London, and all I ever wanted to do was blow the bloody doors off." "I've had to put up with this all week." "Must be exhausting, keeping all this going all the time." "Exhausting for everyone." "Listen, why don't you stop for lunch?" "Yes, that would be lovely." "Well, we should push on, really." "Oh." "What route are you taking?" "The... well, getting on the M60 clockwise and then on the M56, M6." " You want to watch that." " Why?" "There's road works all the way from junction 24 to 27." "It's terrible." "You'd be better off going anti-clockwise." "Right." "Okay." "Yeah." "Yes, well, it's as broad as it's long, isn't it?" " So, yeah, I'll do that." " Good." "Good." " Really nice to meet you." " God bless." " Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." " Cheerio." " Bye-bye." " All right, see you, Mum." "How's Mischa?" "[stammering]" "She's in America at the moment, yeah." "Oh, we thought she'd be coming with you." "I know." "We're going through a bit of a hiatus." "Oh, dear." "Rob's the substitute girlfriend." "Oh, I hope not." "[laughter]" "How's work?" "Anything coming up?" "Yeah, I've got a TV series in America possibly, so..." " Really?" " Great." "Well, it would mean spending a lot of time over there, though." "That's the problem." "If you need anybody to carry your bags around." "All right." "Okay." "See ya, Dad." "Right." "Yeah." "Oh, bye." "Now, listen, you take care of yourself." "It's okay." "Nothing to worry about." " All right." " Everything's fine." "Bye, love." "Bye." "See ya." " Car's locked." " What?" "Locked." "Oh, sorry." "I thought I pressed it." "[locks click]" "[engine turns over] [horn honks]" "Bye." "Come on, let's get in." "So have you made a decision about America?" "Will you stay, or will you go?" "I'm not gonna..." "I don't know." "I love Mischa, and I want to be with her, but..." "I don't really want to talk about it, to be honest." "You don't want to talk about it." "You want to talk about things you've gone through?" "No." "No." "Though it's hurting me, now it's history." "# Now it's history # both: # I've played all my cards #" "# And that's what you've done too #" "# Nothing more to say #" "# No more ace to play #" "# Tell me, does she kiss #" "# Like I used to kiss you?" "#" "That's a shiver down my arms whenever I hear that..." "Thank you." "both: # Does it feel the same #" "# When she calls your name?" "#" "# I was in your arms # [mimicking percussion sounds]" "# Thinking I belonged there #" "# Thinking I'd be strong there #" "Belonged there." "Belonged there." " # Building me a fence #" " I figured... both: # Figured it made sense #" "# Building me a fence #" "# Ah, ah, ah, ah # both: # Building me a home #" "# Thinking I belong... #" "# Thinking I'd be strong there #" "# Ah, ah, ah, ah #" "# But I was a fool #" "# Fool # both: # Playing by the rules #" "# The winner takes it all #" "# The winner takes it all #" "# The winner takes it all #" "# The winner #" "# Takes #" "# It #" "# All #" "Wow." "Wow." "I was up there." "Yeah." "I was up there." "I think you strained a little bit." "I did strain." "I did strain." "But I have a wonderful range." " People..." "I could have done opera." " How many octaves?" "I don't know." "Five." "Five." " Five?" "Five?" " How much is an octave?" "All right, two." "Two..." "Pavarotti struggles to do five." "One." "One." "I do one." "[clears throat]" "Three." "I don't know..." "I don't know how much an octave is." "Just get your lowest note." "# La, low #" "Hang on." "Wait." "Wait." "Wait." "That's not it." " Get your lowest..." " Well, yes!" "# Low #" "Okay, do an octave up." "# Oh #" "No, do an octave up." "Well, how much is an octave?" "# Oh #" "It means just the same note, but an octave higher." "Hey, listen." "# Ba, ba #" "That's an octave up." "All right, but don't do it as Roger Moore." "[sighs]" "# Ah # [as Scaramanga] Come, come, Mr. Bond, you enjoy singing an octave just as much as I do." "[as Moore] When I sing an octave up," "I sing it for queen and country." "Although, I admit..." "Although, I admit, singing an octave up with you would be a pleasure." "Listen, it's do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do, and the next "do" is an octave up." "# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #" "That's an octave up from the first "do."" "[shushing]" "# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #" "No." "What?" "Do..." "# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #" "# Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti #" "# Do #" "Three." "Three." "Three." "# Do, do #" "# Do #" " # Do, re, mi #" " Terry Wogan is doing it now." "# Do, do, do #" "They'll be doing the floral dance." "# Do #" "# Re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #" "# Re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, do #" "# Re, mi, fa, sol # [straining] # La, ti #" "That's not... that's..." "# Ti # Oh, fuck." "You're terrible." "Terrible." "I beat you." "I beat you." "I beat you." "I... yeah." "You all right with the..." "you all right with your bags?" " All right." " Well, thank you very much." "Thank you very much." "Really appreciate you doing this." " Cheers." " All right." " Let's have a hug." " Okay." "All right." "Ah." "Really good." "Really good." "No, no, I enjoyed it a lot." "And then, yeah." "All right, you're a good bloke." "I don't care what they say about you." "[engine turns over]" " I'll see you." " Okeydoke." "Give me a ring, and we'll, you know, we'll get together." " All right, mate." " We could... all right." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "[horn honks]" " Ah." " Hello." "[laughs]" "The traveler returns." "Oh." "Hello." "Mm, sorry." "I've missed you." "We both missed you." "[horns honking]" "[sighs] [melancholy piano music]" "[sighs]" "[sighs]" "[babbling]" "So how was he?" "He was his usual self." "[babbling]" "His usual self." "This is Mischa." "Shut up." "I'm Steve." "Mm." "This is delightful." "[as Corbett] One of the most delightful meals, one of the most delightful homecomings I've ever enjoyed." "[laughs]" "Oh, well, it did stick to the bottom of the pan a bit..." " Did it?" " Yeah." "[as Grant] Yes, might have to give you a bloody good spanking." "In fact, I was rather hoping" "I might stick to the bottom of your pan later." "[line trilling]" "You've reached the office of Matt Jacobs at WP." "Neither Matt nor his assistant are here to answer your call." "Please leave Matt a message, and he will get back to you as soon as he can." "Thank you." "beep!" "Hi, Matt." "This is Steve calling just to say I've thought it over, and I'm not gonna do the HBO pilot." "I'm not gonna spend seven years in the U.S." "I've got kids." "Yeah, that's it." "Bye." " Mm." " Mm." "I don't like being away from you." "No, I don't like you being away from me." "[sighs]" "Oh." "Hello, there we are." "There we go." "All present and correct." "[sighs]" "I think three days should be the maximum that I stay away for." "Mm-hmm." "Not this long."