"The last time I didn't take enough." "And the time before, I out my veins with Luc's razor." "'Hidden Love'" "No one loves me, no money, no job, no lovers," "I want nothing and hope for nothing." "I'm Sophie's mother." "Danielle?" "I'm Doctor Nielsen." "Remember me'?" "I'm here to help you." "Can you hear me'?" "Don't be afraid of your voice" "Not talking doesn't mean not existing." "It's like existing disarmed, with no shape, no power." "You're angry, but you're alive." "Try to say a word, any word." "Words create the World." "Words destroy it, they're the only thing that could really annihilate it." "You can invent them, if you want." "Invent them, if you are able to." "Use them as you wish" "It isn't necessary to have a new page every time, but do as you wish" "The important thing is to write Whatever comes to mind, to keep talking about yourself." "It's really important, you understand, don't you'?" "I want to help you" "At that moment she was just the pain that had torn my body." "I just wanted an injection so I could sleep." "Doctor, do you think this reaction is that of a heartless, unnatural mother?" "You who've studied the human brain tell me, why, after giving birth like a dog's bitch, the human female can't get rid of her child, if it disturbs her or even devour it?"" "Sophie has small eyes, a low forehead, knitted brows, flat cheeks, and teeth so White they seem fake." "I never thought she was pretty, even when she was a child." "It's nothing..." " I need to sit." " Want to sit down?" "Please..." "Put your feet in the stirrups." " What are you doing'?" " I'm going to examine you." " I can't breathe." " Lift your head." "Breathe and push." "Yes, that's good." "Don't worry, the baby's fine." "Another contraction?" "Isn't a C-section better?" "I'm suffering too much." "No, you're doing okay." "Is another contraction coming'?" "We're almost there." "All of a sudden my belly was emptied like a washstand that's been un-clogged." "It's a beautiful girl." "How did you feel when you saw your daughter?" "Indifference, embarrassment," "I couldn't have cared less that she was my daughter." "The grandparents' happiness, my husband in ecstasy..." "It took my focus away from those first moments and this was fatal for Sophie and me." "I couldn't share their enthusiasm." "The acceptance of my maternity was immediately tainted by a sense of guilt that was never to leave me." "Look!" "I always felt guilty, when she didn't sleep, when she didn't eat, when she had a stomach ache, when she skinned her knee, when she got sick, when she fell out of bed." "And it happened often because I Wasn't a careful mother." "To make amends, I quit my job and heaped all my attention, my anguish onto her." "I smothered her with gifts clothes, loads of things." "Sophie has always been a bony girl, not very pretty." "It was not love at first sight between us." "I'm pretty I" "I'm pretty, I have nice curls, I'm pretty..." "I think she could never really stand me, not even when she was a child." " What did you say'?" " Wash yourself." " With What?" " Isn't there any soap?" "At age three, she wanted to Wash and dress herself," "I'm sure that was because she couldn't stand my touch." "Michel was 11 years older than me." "He'd sweat all the time, after some years it disgusted me." "Right after we got married, he asked me to stop taking the pill." "I continued taking it behind his back." "How long would it have lasted if I hadn't realized I couldn't stand his hands and his body." "He was never aware of anything, he kept being so nice, so thoughtful, and I felt guilty." "Like someone who kicks a dog that comes up wagging its tail." "I couldn't stand him any more, and was even violent with him." "He never reacted, he'd take it, with his kind eyes." "This nauseated me." "He perspired tenderness and so, I stopped the pill." "It was the violence of his tenderness that obliged me to become a mother." "Mom, can you see me'?" "Why do you look at me like I were a ghost?" "Go away, you don't exist" "You're just a delusion of my sick brain." "It's great to feel so loved I" "Dad was Warmer, remember'?" "Stop, Sophie, stop it I" "We were like lovers, roughhousing and fawning." "Two lovers, can you imagine that?" "I even get you mixed up, you've got the same expression..." "You're the same person." "You're right, it's nothing to do with that old story, it's between you and me, it concerns just the two of us." "You've always hated me." "To defend myself, I had to hate you as Well." "You made me like this, you're my mother" "I came along later." "You'll have to admit it sooner or later, with all the responsibility it involves." "As you grew up, I hated all your values, everything that was stupid and insignificant for me." "Your money, your husband." "I married Claude only because you didn't like him, because you considered him economically unreliable." "You've always made your choices against me." "You left me no choice, everything revolved around you." "You kept all emotions to yourself, hunger, thirst, hate, guilt, malice, innocence." "It's impossible to be with you without feeling like shit." "Look at me, open your eyes." "I'm the monster... that embodies your worst flaws." "I want to show you something Danielle." "It might be useful for your therapy, though I'm not sure how." "You're an intelligent woman, don't let yourself sink down so." "That's all." "It's time to go back now." "I don't want to go back the nursing home." "I'd been afraid of Sophie for years." "Her coming to my house used to terrify me," "I was afraid she'd find... a worm in the salad" "a spiderweb on a lamp, or a glass that didn't sparkle." "So I'd clean... wash, make everything shine, but she'd always say... that my house was dirty." "That I was dirty." "When Dominique was six months old... she left her with me for two days, it went so badly." "Sophie was very violent with me." "I was so anguished... having to follow her instructions, that it went all Wrong." "It Wasn't a pleasure any more... to see my granddaughter, during this first and last contact" "that I had with her." "When Sophie returned," "the child had diarrhea, so she accused me of... feeding her junky food" "not Washing the salad, having dirty hands." "She never left her with me again, in any case, I'm sure... that even if she had," "things would have gone bad again." "Try asking yourself what Sophie expected, what any mammal offspring expects from its mother." "The tools, the means for survival." "Understand, Danielle?" "An arduous task, often a desperate one." "Might this have been the cause of the chasm between the two of you?" "Have you ever tried putting yourself in her shoes" "Would you like to know Why I showed you that short film'?" "Do you think you really know yourself?" "It doesn't matter." "Yes, it does I" "what matters is to know the people close to us." "No, people come and go, While we are always here." "Does a daughter come and go too'?" "And does a mother come and go?" "The only one who stays is you, Doctor." "You who don't get your hands too dirty." "We all die, soon or later." "We'll all die." "Have you got children?" "No." "A shame, being a mother is important." "You might be Wrong to think it's so obvious, so logical." "Why, isn't it'?" "No, despite appearances." "You're a hypocrite I" "You lie." "What are you trying to tell me'?" "Perhaps the fact I don't know who my mother is could help you, if you think about it." "What do I get from that?" "It won't help me live better." "You're right." "It's a sort of tightrope Walking." "I'm not interested in your tightrope Walking." "Well then..." "What are you interested in'?" "There's no drama, no suffering that cannot be relieved, is that what you're trying to make me believe'?" "Like just saying you're sorry is enough to be forgiven or just swallowing your pride will bring back a lover... who doesn't love you any more." "You don't know what pain is, neither your own nor that of others, you think you know... but you're Wrong." "You're lucky though, no mother laid ut your path." "Why do you rub your hands like that?" "Leave me alone, Why don't you go watch your film again?" "Real parents don't exist." "Everyone thinks they can be one, but parents don't exist, there are only children, children... children of children, children of children of children... ad nauseam." "There's just a trail of blood and irresponsibility." "Your mother, the one you say... you never knew, I'd like to meet her." "I'm sure we'd get along" "We'd speak badly of Sophie and you." "I'm sorry." "Know What?" "I don't really care." "She always talks to me like... she's blaming me for something..." "She always says nasty things to me, since she first looked at me... her eyes were feverish, scornful, as if... she were saying,"You'll see what you'll see!"" "Sophie was the inauspicious event of my life, without her I'd have lived a little better." "But if she'd confessed her secret, crying her heart out, my heart would have melted..." "I might have felt pity for her, instead of horror," "I'd have tried to comfort her, and then, maybe I'd have felt..." "I don't know, something that resembles love." "Let's go back to the room." "Sophie Wasn't even a year old when I understood I'd never be a good mom." "I knew it right away." "Morris, is that you'?" "Yes." "That way, second floor." "Doctor, don't be taken in by my mother." "She fools everyone." "She's an incredible actress." "But she's a Woman who has no heart, she's destructive as Well as devastating." "Your mother is a sick and vulnerable Woman who needs help." "I've been sick too." "It's no good to take it that way." "You're wrong," "I've learned to do the opposite of what she's always done to me." "Besides, I can't afford to spend 350 euros a day for her to act out her narcissism and her paranoia." "I'm sorry, but in the present circumstances, your mother is in no condition to return home and conduct a normal life again." " May I recommend that..." " So you believe her." " May I recommend that..." " So you believe her." "Don't you think that, after all, I might love her?" "I'm her daughter." "She's my mother." "Here's my darling little girl!" "Got a kiss'?" "Here we go I Can I have that kiss'?" "Did you see the new neighbors'?" "The other time we saw a Woman dressed in blue, remember?" "Did you see her today?" "Sophie always" "manipulates things... to her advantage." "When she... talks about an episode" "or about a... moment which we... experienced..." "What I remember," "I..... it's as if... she talked about something" "Which... she never really experienced." "Together it's... completely" "different." "That summer in Dieppe, along time ago, is described by Sophie in three unpleasant episodes:" "My shameful attempts to seduce Luc..." "Francine, in tears after breaking her engagement, accusing me of ruining her life... and Luc rushing back to Paris and offering us a lift." "But I swear, Doctor, things didn't go like that." " Are you okay, Sophie?" " Yes, Mommy." "We returned to Paris by train," "Luc just took us to the station." "Four months later, at Christmas, Francine and Luc broke up." "For a couple of months we met by chance." "I heard he was living near me." "When he told me that every Wednesday, his free morning, he spied on me at that traffic light, I was shocked." "That afternoon I dropped Sophie at my mother's and went to the hairdresser's for a out and coloring." "When I picked up Sophie, she looked at me as if..." "I was Luc's mistress from the summer of 1989 to the autumn of 1999." "Sophie did everything possible to separate us, a never-ending struggle" "In time, her remarks became sharper and sharper, going straight to the mark." "After nine years she managed to do it." "I know this may sound absurd to YOU, but your relationship would have ended sooner or later anyway." "When Luc talked to me, I could hear Sophie's shrill voice... accusing me." "Your relationship would have ended anyway, sooner or later." "As nearly all love stories do" "I was totally emptied, I couldn't concentrate." "Sophie's not all-powerful." "It didn't take her two days or two months to spoil your love story, it took her nine years!" "Think about it: nine long years." "Why do you behave like that?" "I've always been with you." "Luc is the only other person I see." "I don't want you to go" "It's only two days, 150 kilometers from Paris." "A stroll in the country, some parents are gone much longer." "Don't touch me." "You can't ask me to live just for you." "I need to see people." "Aren't we enough for each other?" "No, we need other people." " I need you." " That's not true." "I don't believe you I" "What are you doing'?" "What are you doing'?" "She wanted so badly to make me feel guilty that she could almost control her body" "and make herself vomit, give herself a fever." "She had just turned fifteen." "But Sophie wanted to keep the baby?" "It was all over in a couple of hours." "We left the house at 8, and at 10 we were back home." "On the Way over, she thanked me for what I was doing... on the Way back though..." "Stay away from me, you're hideous, a monster." "You don't understand a thing!" "Then one day Luc told me he was in love with another Woman." "In other words, it's a question of the sum of work and energy that the animal species invest in raising their offspring." "We define it as "love"." "This graph indicates the variables existing in nature." "Man is the animal that dedicates the most time" "in preparing his offspring to face the World and survive autonomously." "In other words, he dedicates 20 to 30 years to this." "Immediately after Man, come the anthropoid apes." "At the low end of the scale are fish." "Most fish lay their eggs in open water and forget about them." "But Man takes care of his progeny, he feeds, educates, loves it for a very long period, that is, about one third of its existence." "It is to this aim that Man creates families, in different ways depending on the culture, but with the same primordial purpose to prepare his own children to survive on their own." "Parents should be sufficiently aware of life themselves." "They should know the logic which animates it and the way to survive." "But for how many of us do these premises truly exist'?" "Fish lay many eggs, since only a few, with a little luck, will become living beings." "Their strategies might seem primitive and even cruel, but they might think as foolish, our Way of guaranteeing lineage" "When an egg shrivels in the sun or is carried by the tides, there's always another, luckier one." "Man, though, can lose everything in one moment." "I'm not serene any more, it's as if these two Women are fighting inside me, as if they've found a new ground to battle on" "and their struggles pass through me." "What's important isn't necessarily the truth." "I'm up to my neck in this." "Could you live without truth?" "What I mean is..." "I'm a guide, aren't I'?" "I should know the territory." "I mean, I know... the in-between zone." "Would you fuck someone else'?" "I'm sorry for being late tonight." "Don't be a hypocrite." "You're fed up with all these stories too." "Finally, we can eat." "We should think about ourselves." "That's the only thing they do." "Who'?" "Our clients." "Mrs. Girard?" "It's nearly 11 o'clock." "Come on, time to wake up" "Good morning, how are you this morning'?" "Remember'?" "We're moving today." "We told you, come on, no fussing." "You'll be as satisfied in Billanoourt as you were here" "Where's Doctor Nielsen?" "Which ones do you prefer'?" "Between those two." "The one on the right." "Me too." " Is it for a gift'?" " No, I design them." "That's my job and I like to ask people's opinions." "What's your name?" "Are you cold?" "Come, I'll offer you something hot." "No, thank you." "It's right there." "Five minutes, there's no harm." " Please accept." " Alright." "I won't ask you Where you live or your phone number." "I'd just like to listen again to your voice." "If you want to jealously guard your private life, I don't care, invent all you want" "Whatever you like." "I'll blindly believe everything you say." "I promise." "In high school I dreamed of being a teacher." "I loved philosophy." "I started menstruating in 1972... the year Coca-Cola landed in Peking." "I could still have children." "Your gaze is extraordinary, you know that?" "I've never met a Woman with such a gaze." "It's like a Whirlwind on open seas," "I feel grabbed inside." "I can't get free of it." "I hope I'm not pregnant." "Don't worry." "I'm sterile." "What did you want to prove?" "Shit, Mom, I don't know What's happening to you." "Madeleine claims you're in good faith, but..." "She's convinced you're doing your best to get better." "Madeleine?" "Madeleine Nielsen." "But I know you well enough not to believe you like she does." "Why did you move me here'?" "Listen to me, once and for all." "Marc never paid for the clinic," "I did, all by myself." "Even though this shitty place costs 200 euros less," "I don't know how much longer I can afford it." "What are you doing'?" "Stop it I" "If in a While you're not capable of living normally," "I'll ask the judge if I can sell your house." "I have no other choice." "Want to keep acting like you're crazy?" "Okay, concede yourself this luxury, but on your own money." "When you get fed up, you'll find the rest in the bank." "I hope it will be enough to pay rent for you." "What the hell do you want'?" "What do you want from me'?" "Make me feel guilty?" "Frighten me'?" "Make me feel like a bitch?" "It doesn't work any more, you hurt me as much as you could, you can't hurt me more." "You set up this whole act so that Marc would think I was the daughter of a degenerate." "Stop looking at me like that, in that wretched-looking Way." "I'm not Madeleine." "Where are you going'?" "Go back there." "Sit down!" "Now hear me out." "Stuff yourself with sleeping pills, throw yourself from the window," "live like a homeless wretch, pretend you're dumb, I could care less!" "So I suggest you do What's best for yourself and not what you think will hurt me most." "That's what she's made me become." "That's what I made of that small being that I expelled 23 years ago." "If I close my eyes I can still hear her crying." "I mustn't panic." "It takes just a few hours to bring back the past." "That's what I did that tonight, with the ferocious Wish to hate myself as much as Sophie does." "One ugly human being gave life to another just as ugly." "Sophie hates me and I wish I'd never given birth to her." "What's life's best moment, Doctor?" "And Why did I miss it'?" "Where was I when that moment came and Went?" "I wish I would die" "Sophie... had an accident." "She died a few hours ago." "How could she do this to me..." ""Dear Doctor, now, after three Weeks, my mind is foggy..." "I'm Wondering if there's any greater despair than maternal love." "Maybe you can give me an answer." "I already knew she'd killed herself, and I hated her with all my might for having done it before me." "I stood at that rectangle of cement hating her for having stolen my place, for not having left me even one good memory, and for not having given her one good memory to take with her." "A bad mother and a small heap of bones, that's all that will remain of our story." "Then, all of a sudden, I thought of Dominique."" ""My daughter has only you, now," "I hope you'll be able to explain my death to her." "Dominique is a Wonderful little girl, it won't be hard for you to love each other.""