"What is this exactly?" "it's your ex board." "All your ex's, dead and alive and in danger." "Hi." "I wanted to tell you in person." "I'm dying." "Three weeks?" "Really?" "So these guys are just dying?" "In order." "And you don't know why?" "No idea." "I'm involved in it, because of you - because we did it." "Where have you two been?" "Nowhere." "Why is your picture on there?" "I' Returns at break of dawn" "Oh!" "ARGGH!" "Are we up?" "Oh, what is this vision I see before me?" "Morning, Dad." "I'll put the kettle on." "I'm sure EJ will call back." "I don't know." "I wouldn't blame her if she didn't." "How long is it since you've spoken?" "Ages." "She must be fairly cross." "Marion!" "What?" "Well, it's not very constructive." "How do you think Roo feels?" "She had sex with Zach." "They were broken up at the time." "What, so Mike and Ros Baker would be fair game for her too, would they?" "That was a temporary separation because of Mike's impotence." "This is very helpful, really." "Could we move on to debating my sex life in further detail?" "You and EJ have been friends for years, love." "You'll work through this." "Still, it's one of those unwritten women's laws, isn't it?" "What is?" "Not having sex with your best friend's boyfriend." "I've obviously gone wrong somewhere in raising you." "That must be it." "People do things when they're drunk, love." "Things they don't mean." "I think I just have to get used to the idea that she might never ring and the friendship's over, all because I'm a massive dickhead." "You're not listening." "I am." "You're not, you keep talking over me." "I am!" "I am." "I'm listening." "Watch me listen." "You're acting like this isn't a big deal." "Because it isn't." "You slept with my best friend." "Your ex-best friend." "She wasn't my ex-best friend when you slept with her, was she?" "She's my ex-best friend because you had sex with her." "When we had broken up." "That doesn't make any difference." "Why not?" "Because it doesn't. it's the rules." "What about the jizz sisters, then?" "Excuse me?" "The jizz sisters!" "You know, isn't it supposed to be cool for, like, two friends to sleep with the same guy?" "And then you're all like, "Oh, hey, let's, you know, compare notes on his wang" ""and then eat pizzas and hit each other with feather pillows and stuff."" "Where do you get this stuff?" "Kathy Lette." "You know what?" "Whether we were on a break or not is truly irrelevant." "You could've banged any tart who finds your Napoleon Dynamite impression funny." "Oh, that..." "But you didn't." "You chose someone that I have a very strong connection with." "Surely even you can see how hurtful that would be." "I'm amazed that you can even be bothered getting into a tizz about all this right now." "Has it even registered with you that considering what's happening with Roo at the moment, that I'm officially dying?" "Dying!" "OK, yes, I made a mistake and, yes, you got massively upset about it, but at least you get to live, EJ." "At least you get to breathe God's air!" "It's a bit melodramatic, don't you think?" "Dying!" "The doctors say it's only a matter of weeks." "This is all my fault." "Oh, darling, don't be silly." "It's nobody's fault." "We just have to accept that he's not gonna get any better." "Bev and I have made our peace with that." "We just want him to slip calmly away." "Come on, let's, uh..." "give them some time alone." "God, Andrew, this is awful." "I can't believe it might be my fault that this is happening to you." "I'm sorry." "I'm so sorry." "I break people." "I just wish this last part wasn't so hard for you." "But I owe you." "Maybe I can end your pain." "OK." "I guess at least now I know he won't be in pain for much longer." "Well, that's... that's good, isn't it?" "I suppose." "Saying goodbye is hard, isn't it?" "I just wanted to fix things, Dad." "I don't know if I did the right thing." "Well, Andrew's been a big part of your life for a long time." "You needed closure." "What do you mean "fix things"?" "He deserved to die with dignity, didn't he?" "I mean, everyone... everyone deserves to die with dignity, doesn't matter how it happens." "Do you mean... euthanasia?" "You didn't smother Andrew with a pillow, did you?" "Dad!" "You know I love and support you." "But this is not 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' and you are not the Chief." "I did not smother Andrew with a pillow!" "I just said goodbye to him intimately." "Intimately?" "How intimately?" "You don't wanna know." "You didn't touch his bits, did you?" "Forget it." "I should never have mentioned anything." "You did, didn't you?" "You touched his bits." "Why would you do that?" "Is it some kind of... necrophilia kind of situation?" "It's nothing." "Don't worry." "I should talk to EJ." "You and EJ aren't speaking." "I know!" "That's another problem!" "Honestly..." "Necrophilia?" "It's not necrophilia!" "Alright." "So, do you want us to talk about the ad?" "Or..." "Just write down your thoughts and put it in the box when you're done." "You OK?" "No." "I think the PowerPoint machine's gonna work on its own if you want me to go." "I can..." "I can go back to your gyno's and pretend to be working on the computers again." "I think that that guy's..." "That guy's cheating." "That guy." "The guy in the..." "Keep your eyes on your work, please." "Do you wanna come to a party with me?" "Yeah, well, I mean they design these in a way too, so that, you know, sometimes there's, like, a whole other part of the control under there." "And, look, it's just a matter of making sure the button that says 'Automatic' is off, and that should work directly with the DVD." "Oh, that is something else!" "Oh, isn't that something else?" "Dad's been trying to fix that for seven years." "Oh..." "You must be very talented, Charlie." "Oh, look, it's really not that hard." "I actually did a course in remote controlsmat TAFE." "What about this one?" "I keep trying to change the Foxtel channel with it, but it does absolutely bugger-all." "Yeah, that's probably because it's the remote control for the garage door." "Perhaps we should label them." "I've got a label-maker in my bag." "Isn't that nice, Nan-Nan?" "You can watch Bert on your birthday." "Don't waste your breath, sweetheart." "She's a deaf old shit." "Mum!" "Ice-cream cake - why she would want that tonight I do not know." "Ice-cream cake at 92!" "Might as well throw her into a vat of ricotta cheese and make her swim her way out." "She likes ice-cream." "She likes making a mess and having me clean her up." "Don't ya, Mum?" "Like a good scrub in the shower?" "Like a hose-down?" "I say this with affection, mind." "Can you do email on that?" "Uh, no, it's a label-maker." "He's wonderful." "Yes, yes, I know." "And he has his own label-maker." "Here, look at this, will you?" "Well, at least if anyone spikes your drink, we'll know it's on purpose." "Gonna ask him to stay the night in the caravan?" "No, thank you." "Oh, God, I know I would." "Nan!" "Heh." "He's wonderful, you're wonderful." "Spend the night together." "I can't." "Oh, why not?" "Because..." "Because everyone I have sex with dies, frankly." "Not the exact sentence I imagined saying to my grandmother on Nan-Nan's birthday, but there you are." "Everyone I have sex with dies." "Oh, darling." "Me, too." "Really?" "Really." "So this is..." "Wait a minute." "So this is a thing?" "Some kind of family thing?" "Is the cake ready yet, Mum?" "I'm not sure she's gonna stay awake for much longer without medication." "Travelling." "Oh, no, prop her up." "She can't eat cake like that." "Hip, hip." " Hooray!" "Hip, hip." " Hooray!" "Hip, hip." " Hooray!" "Won't ask her to blow out the candles." "Let's learn our lesson from last year." "I might need help." "Oh." "Can I serve anyone some cake?" "Roo?" "It's got trees on it." "Roo?" "I'll have some, Charlie." "Mind you, leave off the little plastic golfer." "I wouldn't wanna get a 9 iron stuck in my throat." "Fore!" "9 iron." "Yeah." "Oh, I like golfing jokes." "Oh, Nan-Nan's in the bath." "Oh, how she managed to get ice-cream cake in her armpit I'll never know." "It's a gift." "Listen, Nan." "What you said before about everyone you've ever been with dying..." "What's going..." "Oh, God, Nan-Nan's in the bath." "You might've warned me." "Well, you didn't knock, did you?" "Well, I didn't know I was gonna be faced with her hacky sacks when I walked in the door, did I?" "Mum, we're in the middle of something." "You know Charlie's stuck out there with your father." "We're talking about sex." "Ooh, girl talk." "Who's sexing who?" "Is this about Zach?" "I always thought he'd be rather well-endowed." "The scruffy one?" "Ooh, I wouldn't have thought so." "Oh, my God." "So you... you run a men's group?" "A few actually, yeah." "You interested?" "Oh, no." "I was just making, you know..." "Small talk?" "Yeah." "We deal a lot with, um..." "communication issues." "Oh..." "Don't think I've got communication issues." "You seem to have a problem with silence." "No, no, I mean, I was just being polite." "Showing an interest?" "Right." "Never be afraid of silence, Charlie." "It can reveal a lot of truths." "I didn't think I was." "Never be afraid of silence." "Oh, it affects you deeply, anything like this, doesn't it?" "Your lovers pass, and you're taken back to that moment in your life when you were theirs." "Just a moment of beautiful, romantic grief." "Who were they, the men?" "Oh, there's Johnny Miller." "It was many moons ago, of course." "And your pop." "Wait, that's it?" "That's it." "Can I have a turn, then?" "Are all yours still alive?" "Well, of course they are." "Then no." "But Pop only died last year of natural causes." "So?" "So when did Johnny Miller die?" "Oh, um..." "Oh, it was June." "2006, I think it Was." "Oh, I still think of him from time to time." "Oh, all your lovers die eventually when you get to my age." "That's the overhead one, that's the kitchen, that's the pool." "Um..." "I've forgotten what that one is." "I put it in after I saw 'Spooks', you know." "I wanna get a surveillance camera outside." "I love machines." "I just love machines." "I'm not very good at them, but I love machines." "Oh, that one... that one's a secret one that turns on the passageway over there." "And that one's the garage, so you can turn..." "You got any questions?" "Uh..." "What does that one do again?" "I once did it with Rick Springfield in the back of a Datsun 120Y." "Oh, Mum, please!" "How come I have to sit here and listen to my mother talk about her sex life, and yet when I do it, suddenly it's revolting?" "Because I was trying to work something out." "Work what out?" "What are you talking about?" "Go on." "Go on, do it again." "You're right!" "It bloody was the garage door!" "The neighbours must've thought we'd gone mad." "Is Roo coming..." "Do it again." "Wind it up, let it go." "Yes, it is the door!" "God!" "Oh, I'm sure they're not all dying." "They are." "Brendan." "Lleyton." "That guy with the wonky eye you always used to think was winking at you." "Oh, it's a series of unfortunate coincidences." "You're being hysterical." "it's not." "Why won't you listen to me?" "I thought we were gonna sit here and have a good old natter about sex." "Now you're being morbid." "I'm not!" "Oh, action stations - Mum's just done a poo in the bath." "It's just a little one." "Have you got rubber gloves there?" "Where's Charlie?" "Oh, I offered to play a round of Mastermind with him and all of a sudden, he said he had to go." "You're not gonna do that unconscious thing with him too, are you?" "Shit." "Morning, sweetheart." "Sleep well?" "Not really." " Is the grim reaper hungry?" "Mum, that's not funny." "Sorry, but the whole thing is just too ridiculous." "What do you mean "grim reaper"?" "Nothing." "She means nothing." "She thinks she's killing people." "What?" "!" "With sex." "Oh, is that what the necrophilia talk was all about?" "What necrophilia talk?" "I'm not a necrophiliac!" "Oh, you mean like the AIDS?" "It's not "the AIDS"." "it's her imagination." "And that's why I didn't wanna tell you." "Thank you for listening." "Well, if it is the AIDS, we can still support her." "Look at that Greg Louganis guy - he's done alright for himself." "Magic Johnson." "Hi." "Hey." "Glad you could make it in time." "Is he really that close?" "Doctors reckon it's a matter of hours." "Shit." "I know." "Ready?" "I don't know." "Apparently there are magic turtles in here - gold ones." "This must be the night he went to the casino." "Remember, he got the currency wrong." "Thought he was betting 50 cents and he was betting 50 bucks." "That's why he rang us at 4:00 in the morning, 'cause he was broke." "Yumbo!" "Oh, market food." "He always loved his market food." "Because this is the real McCoy." "Now, I'm gonna be honest with you." "I'm a little bit worried about pickpockets with the old bumbag, but I'm gonna be cool" "Hey, mister, you want DVD?" "No, no, no, no DVD." "Necklace for girlfriend?" "No, thank you." "Thank you, no." "I a spiritual doctor" "Spiritual?" "I put a curse for you." "Work every time, very good." "Really?" "$10 for you." "Oh, no, no, no, no." "I'm fine, thank you." "Someone break your heart I put a curse for you." "Well, you know, there's an ex-girlfriend, but..." "Yeah?" "Yes." "Girlfriend my specialty - work every time." "You make her feel how it is to lose people?" "Can you do that?" "Cheap!" "$10 for you." "$10?" "No, no, no." "$5 you have a deal." "OK, for you." "$5?" "Alright, that's a good deal." "OK, $5." "That's a good deal" "I think I just saw a monkey with a hat" "Can we rewind that?" "I think it's a curse." "Andrew put a curse on me." "Look, I really, really miss you and I love you and I know I messed up, but there's a reason now" " I'm cursed!" "So the curse made you have sex with Zach?" "I know that was unforgivable." "But I really need you to help me work through this." "Mum and Dad just think I'm mental." "I can't talk right now." "Where are you going?" "My cousin's funeral." "Oh, my God, which one?" "Stuart." "He was in a car accident." "You didn't happen to have sex with him, did you?" "I have to go." "Just pull the door shut and try not to have sex with anything while I'm out." "So you click here and you just press 'New Game' and then someone appears and you just... you chat to them." "Oh." "It's not all penises." "You get used to it, actually." "Oh, my God..." "Oh..." "OK, sorry." "That is not on." "I'm gonna report them to the moderators." "But it's, uh... pretty good, for the most part." "Just the other day, I was talking to the actress who played Precious in that movie." "Really?" "Yeah." "I suppose it could've been just a fat chick in a mask." "Hi." "Hey, Roo." "Now, have you played this Chatroulette?" "Isn't that the one with all the penises?" "Never mind." "Can you talk for a sec?" "I'm a bit busy now, actually." "I meant Charlie." "What about?" "It's kind of..." "Look, I just wanted to say, um..." "Anyway, sorry that things got a bit busy." "What did?" "My great-grandmother's birthday." "That's OK." "Well, it's not, really." "Forget about it." "Doesn't matter." "Have you guys, uh...?" "What?" "You have." "Ooh." "Nan-Nan just had to take a bath." "Gross." "And we got caught up talking and it was... was stupid and thoughtless." "It's done now, OK?" "Don't... don't worry about it." "OK." "Pwned." "You totally pwned her, man." "Oh, hello." "Hi, I'm Darren." "No, they've gone." "I can't believe it." " I know, right?" "No-one here can explain it, and you know what doctors are like." "They don't exactly like to use the word 'miracle', but here I am." "And you're better?" "Well, I don't know about completely cured." "But, apparently, I was a couple of hours off, you know." "Now I'm getting better every hour." "This just makes no sense at all... ..and is amazing!" "Really great!" "There's really no easy way to ask this." "Did you put a curse on me a couple of years ago?" "What?" "A curse?" "You were on holiday, some guy was gonna put a curse on your ex, and..." "That's right." "Oh, look, that was nothing." "Just a little curse?" "He was also selling chickens and 'Wedding Planner' DVDs." "I don't think he could put a curse on anybody." "You're not seriously upset, are you?" "Everything's shit." "Everyone's dying, and I thought that was the reason - because you cursed me." "I'm not dying." "You were." "I was." "But something happened, and now I'm not." "Look, I know I don't really know you or anything or what your intentions are with Roo, um..." "OK, I'm just gonna say it, but go with me, because it does sound a little bit weird." "Uh... you're probably gonna die." "Sorry?" "Yeah, I know, it's a bit intense." "Um... but trust me, it's better hearing it firsthand, one brother to another, right?" "You thought about getting a fixie?" "Thanks for meeting me." "I'm not gonna lie to you, Roo." "Life's pretty rough at the moment." "It's hard to go anywhere without, you know, totally expecting to die." "I mean, right now, part of me's like, "Is this beer poisoned?"" "And there's another part that's like," ""Well, fuck it, just drink it." "Life's for living."" "That's... that's deep." "Mmm." "Time's ticking away, man." "Ticking away." "Maybe not." "No, I'm next." "That's how it goes." "Yeah, maybe I..." "I might've found a..." "loophole." "What do you mean?" "Well, I went back there with an ex." "Andrew - he was sick, he was really sick." "After we... you know, uh... he got better." "What are you doing?" "Are you crazy?" "Let's do this." "Let's get this over with." "I wanna shake this bitch curse." "It's not definite. it's just a theory." "it's definite enough for me!" "I'm not gonna have sex on the table." "Toilets, then!" "There's plenty of room in the disabled if you don't mind the smell." "Even if it worked, I can't do this to EJ again." "You guys need to talk." "it's not morally right." "Fuck morals!" "Are you seriously gonna hold off on me because of some stupid girl code?" "!" "This is my life we're talking about!" "Let's go to the dunnies!" "Zach, I appreciate this is frustrating for you, I really do." "But she's my best friend." "We have to work it out another way." "Pull your pants up." "Ugh..." "You pull yours up." "But he looked better." "I just saw him." "He said it was a miracle." "It was." "Well, obviously not a very good one." "He's dead." "Poor Andrew." "There's this thing people get sometimes when they've been ill, before they pass on." "It's like a second wind." "They perk up, they get lucid, say goodbye to their loved ones." "I'm so sorry, darling." "I just didn't think..." "Well, it just sounds so absurd, doesn't it?" "I know, that's the problem." "Death is just a transition. it's a step between the earth and the unknown..." "Not now, Dad, please." "We are here for you, darling, no matter what has happened... or why." "Thanks, Mum." "You should be happy that you had those final moments with Andrew before he left us." "They're precious, precious things." "Always cherish them." "Mmm." "Harness those into your life force." "Graham." "Sorry." "Your dad pointed me out here." "I just..." "..wasn't really ready to talk." "I'm sorry." "That's OK." "I'm having a bit of a shit time." "I understand." "That's nice, but I don't think you do." "it's a bit too full-on to explain." "Actually, I... had it explained to me." "Your friend Zach." "Oh, God." "Yeah." "it's not as bad as it seems." "Um... it is, but there's definitely a reasonable explanation." "I just haven't found out what that is yet, but I will." "So if you think I'm some sort of psycho sex-fiend lunatic, please don't call the police."