"Louisa?" "Hello, Martin." "How are you?" "You're pregnant." "Yes." "I am." "Hello." "Hello." "Er, I'm a friend of Martin's." "Me too." "I'm staying at the pub." "I thought I'd get the taxi to drop me here first, though." "So I could tell you in person and..." "Yeah." "Shall I go?" "No, no." "I just dropped by on my way." "You carry on." "Louisa." "That..." "This... pregnancy, it's...?" "It's ours, Martin." "Yours and mine." "Um..." "And what do you want?" "Do you want to get married?" "I mean, you're certain it's ours?" "Yes, I am certain." "No, I don't want to get married." "You know it's a bit late for an abortion?" "I thought I should tell you before the village finds out." "Why are you going to the pub?" "My house is rented out." "Who is she?" "What?" "Edith." "Edith." "Why aren't you in London?" "I didn't like London and the school didn't like this." "So..." "Oh." "Er... no." "Right." "So you're here." "It's going to be fine, Martin." "It's not your problem." "Bye." "Is she from the village?" "Yes." "Well, don't do anything hasty." "What?" "Does she have a job?" "Yes." "Er... no." "Actually, I don't think she does." "Don't think you have to rescue her." "She's a grown woman." "She's chosen to have a baby." "It's her choice, Ellingham." "How old did you say you were?" "I'm 35 years old, Santa." "35, and you still believe in Father Christmas?" "Hello." "All right." "You back for good or just visiting?" "I've got a job interview at the school tomorrow." "So fingers crossed." "Want a drink?" "Or are you not drinking?" "A glass of water would be lovely." "Have you got a room, John?" "Certainly have." "So..." "Six months." "Does he know?" "If you mean Martin, yes, he does." "We're both fine about it." "Still good friends." "Mm." "Aw!" "He didn't ask you to move in, then?" "I wouldn't want to, actually, Pauline." "Thank you, John." "Do you know what?" "I think I'll have a little lie down." "Harbour view?" "Harbour view would be lovely, thanks." "Only seven o'clock when she went up to her room, and didn't come down again all evening." "And him sitting up here with the house all to himself?" "Morning." "There you are, Uncle Jimmy." "Morning, Louisa!" "Welcome home!" "Hello." "Miss Glasson's back, then." "Yeah." "Staying at the Crab." "In her own village, paying for shelter." "No room at the inn, in her condition." "She's rented her house out." "I know." "Did you not see her, then?" "What?" "Miss Glasson." "I heard the taxi dropped her up here." "She did call in briefly, yes, to say hello." "Hello?" "And then she went to the pub, as had always been her plan, so it seems." "Not that it's any of your business or anybody else's." "I am NOT..." "Just because a woman's strong don't mean it's all right to take advantage." "That's all I'm saying." "Miss Glasson is here." "Who is?" "To see about the part-time vacancy?" "Oh, yes." "Yes." "Jolly good." "Jolly good." "And welcome to our humble..." "Ah." "Ah-ha." "But you're no stranger to this room, are you?" "No, no." "But no problem, though." "Fine, fine." "I didn't know you were expecting a baby, actually." "Yes." "Didn't even know you were married." "You don't have to be married to have a baby." "Ah." "I was engaged." "We called it off." "Ah." "To the doctor, yes?" "To Doc Martin?" "Yeah." "Fine doctor." "Mm." "Well, you'd be perfect, of course, in every other sense." "You know the school, the kids know you." "But I'm afraid we need someone to get stuck in right away." "And here I am." "I'm sorry, Miss Glasson." "There's been some confusion." "This must catch you at an awkward time." "I'd be perfect for it, as you said." "Sadly, the legal position..." "The legal position obliges the mother to take two weeks off after the baby's born." "That's all." "And as I'm not due until the summer holidays, there's no problem there that I can see." "Not if we're being legal." "It's just two weeks?" "That's the law." "Wouldn't you get tired?" "You're very kind." "Thank you, I'll be fine." "Is your arm all right?" "Hm?" "Oh, it's a bit sore." "Well, you do know the kiddies, I suppose." "Three years we've been married, and still no family, while you and Miss Glasson..." "Where's the fairness in that?" "Time to push things along, then?" "Time to pay a fortune." "No, no." "You sell some eggs or you donate them, and they give you free treatment." "They'll explain it all." "Yes?" "'I've got Dr Montgomery for you, Dr Ellingham. ' Put her through." "Edith?" "I've got an infertile couple for you." "She's 37." "Looks older." "Regular menstrual cycle." "No history of sexual disease." "A bit on the tubby side, but not obese, no." "Are you just talking or have you had a poke around?" "'I've done her." "She's fine. '" "Him?" "At a glance, pretty much what you'd expect." "Enlarged breast tissue." "Classic irritability." "Testicles?" "Yeah." "Small and soft." "What are you saying?" "I've got a 3:30 this afternoon, as it happens." "Send them along for a prelim." "He can leave a sample while we're at it." "Righto." "Any development with your London prospect?" "Er..." "I can't talk." "I'm with a patient." "You've already decided it's me, haven't you?" "Give them a sample." "Prove me wrong." "3:30 this afternoon." "Modern building next to Out Patients." "That's gonna be weird, innit?" "Back there, but no longer top banana." "I know, but still, how's she going to keep going, lugging that lump around?" "Hm." "Interesting." "Well, I'll do it for her!" "But we're not happy about it, and I won't say that we are." "Bye." "Miss Glasson's got the job at the school!" "Miss Glasson?" "Yeah." "What school?" "THE school, our school." "Louisa Glasson?" "Yeah." "She came back yesterday." "Expecting." "Expecting what?" "A baby." "Martin?" "It's not my fault." "Oh." "I mean, it IS my fault." "But it's not just my fault." "It's not my fault that you don't know." "I didn't know until yesterday." "Sit down." "How pregnant is she?" "Six months, I'd say." "Mm." "I know." "She doesn't want me involved." "What did she say?" "She said that she was fine and I wasn't to worry." "Bollocks." "You're the father." "How do you feel about that?" "What?" "Being a father?" "Me?" "Yes, Martin." "You." "What are you going to do?" "In what way?" "For Louisa." "She's got no family to speak of." "Her body's teeming with hormones." "In three months' time she's going to have a baby on her own." "I think she might be in a little trouble, don't you?" "Yes." "So what're you going to do when the baby comes, miss?" "That's going to be in the holidays." "Yeah, but when the holidays are over, who's going to look after it?" "Doc Martin, miss?" "No, not Dr Ellingham." "So no problems at all?" "Nothing you want to tell me?" "No." "I just picked up where I left off." "Sorry." "A bit dusty." "Little bit." "Hello, Dr Ellingham." "Hello." "Ah, there you are." "You've missed two appointments." "Have I?" "Three, possibly." "Your test results came back about a fortnight ago." "Oh, dear." "I have been busy." "They're all clear." "Are you still constipated?" "I'll leave you to it." "11 days now." "You need a urine test." "Call the receptionist." "So... um... is everything all right?" "How do you mean?" "Well, I mean, you've got everything you need..." "You've got the job, which is good." "Yes." "He's weird, though." "Who is?" "The headmaster." "Ah." "What?" "Well, no, I mean, it must be galling being back and not being headmistress." "No, it's not galling." "He's not normal." "I'll tell you what isn't normal." "What?" "You having this baby without telling me." "It's very highhanded of you, Louisa." "Oh, is it?" "Yes, it is." "Do you imagine I didn't want to discuss it?" "In London, on my own, in a bedsit." "37 years old." "Single." "Pregnant." "Do you think I didn't want to talk to the father, work things out?" "But what would you have said, Martin, hm?" ""Have you considered an abortion, Louisa?" "I'll back you up." "Whatever you decide. "" "I would have backed you up absolutely." "But keeping it a secret is just feminist point scoring, like staying at the pub." "I didn't choose to stay in the pub." "My house is being rented out to Mr Creepy." "Nobody made you do it and you get money for it." "So." "That pays for the room at the pub." "We should arrange to get your notes sent down." "My doctor's notes?" "Yes, it's pretty straightforward." "They've been sent down." "I'm with the hospital in Truro." "What?" "You didn't imagine you'd be my doctor, did you?" "That would be really odd, Martin." "Well, your choice." "That's fine." "Take a seat." "If I could ask you to fill in here and... .. sign here." "Hello." "I wonder if you can help." "Is there something I can take to stop me wanting to go to the toilet every five minutes?" "Any other symptoms?" "Well, I'm pregnant." "How do you mean?" "Anaemia, constipation, haemorrhoids, heartburn, hypertension, gingivitis, thrush?" "Well, maybe a bit of heartburn." "Backache, headache, nausea, vomiting, blurred vision, flashing lights before the eyes, swollen feet and ankles?" "These are just a few." "Some selections, if you like, of the symptoms of pregnancy." "I do have some of them." "Oh, and it's taken you by surprise?" "No, but..." "It is what happens when you get yourself pregnant." "I didn't get myself pregnant." "No?" "No." "And how's our good doctor taken it?" "Much as you would have hoped?" "Not a church wedding, I would imagine this time, not in God's house." "So that's not really appropriate in your condition." "Sorry." "Oh, hello, Mrs Norton." "Louisa!" "Oh, Joan." "Oh, look at you." "The incredible exploding woman!" "No, no, no, you look beautiful." "Doesn't she, Mrs Tishell?" "Oh, yes..." "It's been months." "Have you forgotten all about us?" "So how...?" "How is everything?" "When do you get your house back?" "That could be tricky." "The new head's renting it." "He's got my job, he's got my house." "You could come and stay with me." "With you?" "There's plenty of room and I could help look after the baby." "Oh." "Oh, my dear." "Oh, it's extraordinary." "You're very kind, Joan." "I'll think about it." "You think about it." "I will." "So nothing you can do for me, then, Mrs Tishell?" "If there's anything I can do, just give me a ring." "Good to know." "I will." "What a poppet." "All right?" "I thought you were closing." "We are." "I've left... it." "As you requested." "So I'll see in a minute, yeah?" "Miss Glasson settling in OK?" "Oh." "Oh, yes." "So, I'll give you a call when the doctor needs to see you again." "Yes?" "Is he in?" "The surgery's closed." "Is it?" "Yes." "I'll call you." "Mr Strain is here." "We're closed." "Good night." "Is there something you're not telling me?" "What?" "About my tests?" "You tested negative for helicobacter, no parasites and no ulcer." "That's good, isn't it?" "Did the girl take a urine sample?" "Yes." "How about the abdominal pain?" "Comes and goes." "What about now?" "It's sore." "All right, go through." "If you knew anything else, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?" "Obviously." "Take off your jacket." "Lie on the couch." "You wouldn't be tempted to tell Louisa Glasson instead?" "Why would I discuss your health with Miss Glasson?" "No, you're right." "Untuck your shirt please." "Does that hurt." "She wants my job." "She can't have your job, can she?" "She'll be at home with a baby." "Two weeks." "That's the law." "Just two weeks." "Does that happen a lot?" "Does what happen?" "Did I do that?" "Yes." "Gosh." "You won't tell anyone, will you?" "It'd be terrible if that got out, in my position." "How long has it been happening?" "How would I know?" "Do you meant that you don't know when you're doing it?" "Oh, for God's sake!" "Don't go on." "This is just between us." "Of course it is." "Anything that takes place between a doctor and his patient is nobody else's business." "Now, sit down." "We haven't finished." "Mr Strain, if you don't let me finish," "I can't find the appropriate remedy for you." "There's a remedy?" "For most things, yes." "Sorry." "Left my shopping." "Bye." "Everyone says she's the best teacher by far." "Inspirational." "It's brilliant that she had a job to come back to, though how she's going to manage once the baby's born." "Multitasking, that's how." "A pregnant woman finds the strength from somewhere." "I suppose nature provides the right chemicals at the right time." "Nature don't come into it." "Excuse me, Jimmy." "Nothing natural about an unmarried mother being let loose on a bunch of impressionable children." "I beg your pardon?" "Jimmy!" "Sorry, Bert." "Is everything all right?" "It's lovely, thank you, Bert." "Just the bill, please." "Right." "It's not Miss Glasson's fault we're having to go the artificial route." "That is not what I said." "Your Uncle Jimmy's become a right misery guts." "What's his problem?" "Aunt Jennie wants a baby, and it's not happening." "I'm sorry to hear it, but there's no need to go depressing everybody." "He should lighten up." "Is it a sex thing or a fertility issue?" "Oh, Joe!" "I don't know." "Fertility, I think." "They went to that egg place in Truro this afternoon." "Hey, Joe!" "What's the difference between a tart in a brothel and Louisa Glasson?" "Um..." "Right, that's it!" "You - out!" "And who's going to make me?" "Hey, steady on, Jimmy." "It's all right." "It's all right." "Let him go." "You ought to see a doctor, Jimmy." "You're not right." "Hello." "Hello, Martin." "What are you eating?" "Jelly Babies." "I just fancied one." "Empty calories aren't really an option at your age." "That weight'll be hard to shift when the baby's born." "And how are things at work and so forth?" "Um, the other staff?" "The headmaster?" "All right." "He is weird, though." "Is he?" "Like I said yesterday." "Why?" "Has he done something weird with you now?" "I can't discuss a patient." "Right." "Well, what can I say?" "Um... he's very moody." "And sometimes he copies the way I talk." "And there was this funny thing with his arm where it sort of rose up... and he used the other one to push it down." "Really?" "Mm." "Has he behaved threateningly toward you?" "No, he's just been odd." "Has he got something wrong with him?" "Hello!" "I'll be with you in a moment." "She's going to give me a lift, actually." "Is she?" "Where to?" "Truro." "Antenatal." "Has he got something wrong with him?" "I can't say." "I'll phone you if he does anything else." "Shouldn't I be taking you?" "I'm fine, thanks." "What do you mean unnatural?" "You have three times more testosterone in your system than is normal." "You didn't say normal." "You said unnatural." "Who are you to decide what's natural?" "I'm a doctor." "Oh?" "And that makes you the big man, does it?" "Oh, don't be so stupid." "Jimmy!" "You've been taking testosterone supplements, haven't you?" "Where did you get them from?" "A gymnasium?" "So going to the gym's unnatural now, is it?" "You imagine that taking fistfuls of anabolic steroids is going to increase your chances of conceiving a child, yes?" "Well, isn't it?" "No." "It has the opposite effect." "The brain gets the message to stop producing luteinizing hormone, which in turn arrests normal sperm production." "Not only does it make you stupidly, moronically aggressive, it also renders you infertile." "Well, it's all right for you!" "Oh, for..." "Oh, Auntie Jen." "Mrs Bollard." "Could I jump the queue, please?" "I should be at work." "We should all be at work, Headmaster." "I won't be long." "How are you feeling today?" "Mr Strain is next." "I feel pretty queasy in the mornings until I've had some breakfast." "But you don't actually throw up?" "Not since the first six weeks, no." "Is the father attending some or all of our sessions?" "No." "I see." "What does that mean, really?" "I see?" "It's for research." "Will he cooperate?" "What research?" "The incidence and variety of defective births to geriatric parents." "Oh." "Hello again." "Hello." "No, he won't cooperate." "Are you staying at your current address for the duration of your pregnancy?" "Mr Strain." "All right, I'll admit it." "Mr Millenger, you're not my only patient." "I took too much stuff." "Get out!" "It's my Uncle Jimmy, trying for a baby." "Mr Millenger, you need to make an appointment." "It's not just about the baby." "I'm in the Coastguard." "Not full time." "I'm a volunteer auxiliary." "It adds a bit of challenge and excitement to my life." "You get out and meet people, and there's a real team spirit in the branch." "Mr Millenger." "A month ago, there was a 48-hour refresher over in Pengelly Bay." "Two-man tents." "It was a random allocation." "I got put in with this young chap from Cardiff." "I don't know how it happened." "But it all seemed so natural." "Dr Ellingham, is there a cure for being gay?" "Sorry to keep you waiting." "There is no cure as such, I'm afraid." "You'll just have to live with it." "Not that there's anything wrong with it." "Far from it." "And I'm obliged to do my best for you, no matter what you get up to." "Um, I can tell you that taking testosterone won't cure you of being gay, as you call it." "Well, what would you call it?" "An individual's sexual preference is not determined by a hormonal balance." "Oh, it must be." "No, no." "It's odd, isn't it?" "But all that an overdose of testosterone will do, apart from making you more sexually attracted to whoever or whatever you already..." "Has this sort of thing happened to you before?" "Well, I've had feelings before, but never, you know, followed through till now." "Yes, well, as I say, all the testosterone will achieve is to make you very aggressive and damage your liver." "So there's nothing I can do, then?" "I believe there are support groups." "I am not talking to a bunch of gays." "No." "I presume your wife doesn't know." "She knows." "Oh." "She says I'm bisexual." "She quite likes it." "Thinks it's exotic." "But it's not, is it?" "I think we may be straying outside my area of expertise." "But you're a man." "There's no such thing as bi, is there?" "There's normal and there's homosexual." "Bi is just homos wanting to say that they're not." "I couldn't really say." "I have to get on and you have to stop taking the testosterone, yes?" "But do you believe in bi?" "I'd have to do some research." "Thank you, Doctor." "Think I could live with bi." "You'll let me know, then, Doctor?" "Yes, yes, I will, yes." "All right, Uncle Jimmy?" "Where's Mr Strain?" "He upped and left." "Jumpy, isn't he?" "Now we know, we can keep an eye on it." "Everything all right?" "All seems fine." "Ultrasound next week." "See you Tuesday." "Thank you." "So you're a doctor?" "I'm doing research next door at the clinic." "The hospital gives us data." "I give them one day a week common obstetrics." "Why did you wait six months before coming back to Ellingham's village?" "It's not actually Martin's village." "Your village." "Cold feet about going it alone?" "I'm not sure it's any of your business." "I've lived in Portwenn all my life." "It's my home." "I've come home to my village to have my baby on my own." "Got it?" "You can see how I got hold of the wrong end of the stick?" "Not really." "Was it because I've got a country accent?" "Oh, my God, Auntie Jill." "Do you remember me?" "Edith Montgomery?" "Yes." "And you two know each other?" "I gave Louisa a lift." "What are you doing here?" "Research." "So when did you two meet?" "Ellingham and I were at medical school." "All set?" "Yeah." "Nice to meet you again, Louisa." "And you, Jill." "Goodbye." "So you met when Martin was a student?" "Yes." "Did he bring her down to Cornwall, then?" "He did, yes." "Are you checking up on me?" "What?" "No." "Have the lab test results come through?" "Thank you." "Pauline, Mr Strain's urine test result isn't here." "Isn't it?" "No, it isn't." "You're a dark one." "What?" "That is for a patient." "Ah." "Oh, I see" "It is." "I'm helping him." "Get on to the lab, and find out what happened." "That test may not have been done yet." "Why?" "There may have been an oversight and it got left here." "What do you mean, it got left here?" "Ugh." "It's blue." "What?" "The headmaster's wee." "He's got blue wee." "Call the school." "So was Martin quite fond of her, then?" "I suppose he was, yes." "It's a long time ago now." "Was it like a first love, sort of thing?" "I'm only curious." "He wanted to marry her, but she went abroad for her career instead." "Oh." "Gosh." "Thanks so much for the lift." "Not at all." "It's so much nicer than a bus." "Well, just give me a call." "See you." "Bye." "Ooh!" "Everything go OK?" "Fine, thanks." "Pauline?" "Sorry." "I can't find him anywhere." "'Is it urgent?" "' She can't find him!" "Put her through." "Hello." "As soon as you see him, get him to call me." "Actually, you call me." "Thank you." "Mr Strain took them to Roscarrock Cove." "Why?" "Nature walk." "Didn't you know?" "No." "How long have they been gone?" "Erm, about twoish." "Should be back soon." "Right." "Whose?" "Whose?" "Hm?" "Whose are they?" "Everything all right?" "Oh, come on!" "Don't just stand there!" "Mr Strain!" "Stop whingeing." "It's all right, Charlie." "But we should do what the headmaster says, shouldn't we?" "Yeah?" "What's he got?" "Porphyria." "It disrupts the nervous system." "It's what George llI had." "Oh." "That explains the blue, then." "What does?" "Royalty." "He's not royal." "People with porphyria have an enzyme deficiency that causes their urine to turn blue in the sunlight." "The toxins in his blood are causing his brain to malfunction." "Did Miss Glasson not like the bi-thing, then?" "What?" "Is that why she called the wedding off?" "She did not call it off." "We both did." "Why do people find it so difficult to grasp?" "Portwenn Surgery." "Yeah." "Speak of the devil." "I'll just get him." "It's Miss Glasson!" "Hello." "So it's nice here in Roscarrock Cove, isn't it?" "Do you know where Mr Strain is?" "I've called the school." "He seems to have vanished." "Here and here." "Mr Strain is there?" "Phew!" "We could certainly use some help, couldn't we, tidying this beach?" "He's there and you can't talk." "Is that right?" "That's right." "That's good." "Right." "Well, what next?" "Pauline, call PC Penhale and tell him to come to Roscarrock Cove." "What's happened?" "Mr Strain's gone mad." "# Scrub, scrub, scrub the rocks" "# Till we get them clean" "# Merrily, merrily, merrily" "# Life is but a dream #" "That's right, Michael." "Get all that green off, if you can." "Why are you being so helpful?" "It's a big job." "Got to get it done." "Why?" "Why?" "Oh, I don't know." "Because you want to." "You're in charge." "Hello!" "Look, Dr Ellingham's come to help." "We'll soon get it done now." "Anyone hurt." "Everybody's fine, thank you, Doctor." "We're just helping with these rocks, aren't we, children?" "How?" "Getting them nice and clean." "Louisa, you're just making it worse." "No, I'm not." "Yes, you are." "Endorsing a delusion only increases it." "Mr Strain, that's enough." "Now you come with me." "I'm not." "Come on." "I'm not." "I think if we all... help, we'll get this done quicker, and get back to school." "I think we should try that anyway." "Did you bring a sedative or something?" "Yes." "# Merrily, merrily, merrily" "# Life is but a dream" "# Scrub, scrub, scrub the rocks... #" "Oh, it's all right, all right." "Martin." "It's all right." "No, it isn't." "It was an accident." "Oh, come on!" "He's really hurt." "He's not." "I think you may have broken it." "No, I haven't." "He's the doctor." "He should know." "Thank you." "Can you move your fingers?" "There." "Look, not broken." "Will you stop whingeing?" "Hey." "All right." "Let me have a look at it." "Come on." "Let's see what all the fuss is about." "How dare you?" "What?" "Are you all right?" "Are you hurt?" "I'm fine, I think, yeah." "I'm fine." "It's all right, Mr Strain." "It's NOT all right." "You can't go around pushing over pregnant women." "It's not her fault you lost the plot." "Pull yourself together!" "Me?" "Are you in any pain at all?" "Any twinges?" "No, I don't think so." "Good." "Try and sit up." "Here." "All right, children." "Mr Strain." "Martin." "Mr Strain!" "Oh, God." "Are you all right?" "Mr Strain!" "Mr Strain!" "Mr Strain." "Mr Strain, come on." "You see?" "Yes." "You see?" "Yes." "Come on." "Yes, very good." "All right, let's go in now." "Mr Strain." "Over there." "No, no, no." "Please." "Time to put our socks and shoes on, please." "Nicky, you collect the brushes." "Please, everyone give their brushes to Nicky." "In the back." "Go on." "Oh, I don't know." "Will you miss him?" "He's spooky." "He's mad." "The nice policeman's taken him away to lock him up." "No, he hasn't." "He's just gone for a rest." "A long rest." "He won't be able to hurt you any more." "He didn't hurt us, Pauline." "It was a bit of an adventure, that's all." "You go in." "Get ready for home time." "Thanks anyway, Martin." "What do you mean anyway?" "You two!" "See you tomorrow, Doctor." "Actually, anything could have happened, and you in that condition." "Are you sure you're OK?" "Nothing amiss?" "No." "Seems fine." "Ooh!" "What?" "What happened?" "Oh, nothing." "It moved." "Moved?" "Yes, just a normal fluttery movement." "Right." "Hi." "Hello?" "Are you wet?" "Bye, Martin." "A patient had a psychotic episode and walked into the sea." "Ah." "Friend of hers?" "What?" "Louisa?" "Um, sort of." "Member of staff." "The headmaster." "What are you doing here?" "Just rushing off to Bristol, actually." "BMA dinner." "Could you have a look at a dissertation I'm working on?" "I know gynae's not your thing, but I need an unbiased opinion." "There's something not quite right in the concluding argument." "Clever title." "Could you have it read by Monday?" "We could have supper." "Supper?" "No?" "Er... no, yes." "Good." "That's a good suggestion." "Good?" "Good." "You're gonna talk to Edith about our baby?" "It's YOUR baby when it suits you, but it's ours when you need medical help." "Oh, my God." "It killed Grandpa and now it's coming for me." "You're dying." "Really?" "You'd better be!"