"(BOYS SHOUTING)" "COP 1:" "Atta, girl." "You got 'em." "SAMMY:" "Don't run so fast." "Get out of my way." "(GUN FIRES)" "(DOG BARKING)" "THAD:" "That's a freaking gunshot." "Run." "Get your slow ass out of my way!" "COP 1:" "Just ahead!" "COP 2:" "Over there!" "Man, why'd you do that?" "They were gonna kill you, man!" "Now they're gonna kill us all!" "MAN ON TV:" ".And with your bowl game news, let's go back to ASPN studios." "Thanks again for joining us and welcome back to the 2010 BCS bowl selection." "I'm Rob Frank, with my co-host, Julia King." "And where better to start than in Pasadena, the home of the bowl game." "It looks like the ballots are in, and it'll be Texas taking on Michigan in the Rose Bowl." "What?" "Seriously?" "Bullshit!" "You hungry?" "I'm fine, man." "Are you sure?" "I think we're gonna be here for a while." "Oh, I've got movies in my locker too, if you want to help pass the time." "Why are you taking this so lightly?" "This is a big deal, man." "Is it, though?" "Yes." "Mmm." "We're nine and three, which means all the big bowl games are out." "What we do now is we wait to see if we get into another bowl game in a really fun city, and we party our asses off for days on end." "JULIA:" ".Well, this one is a real shocker." "We just got word that Blue Mountain State will face off against Clementine University for the Cypress Bowl in Louisiana." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Louisiana?" "That's ridiculous!" "They're nine and three." "They should be in the toilet bowl." "Louisiana!" "Yeah, man!" "This is better than Las Vegas!" "Congrats, Travis." "Way to go, man." "(ALL CHEERING)" "Do we deserve to be in this bowl?" "Is that your question?" "Well, first of all, it's the system." "We didn't choose it." "It chose us." "And when you consider the season and all the injuries and the distractions and the convictions, yeah, I think we do." "We do deserve to be in this bowl." "REPORTER:" "Travis McKenna, starting quarterback for Blue Mountain State, do you think you can win?" "Do I think we can win?" "Uh-huh." "Let me put it this way." "This very morning, our Lord Jesus Christ came to me." "And he told me that I have been chosen to quarterback this team to victory." "BOYS: (CHANTING) BMS!" "BMS!" "BMS!" "BMS!" "BMS!" "BMS!" "Jesus Christ!" "He looks exactly like I thought he'd look." "(WHOOPS)" "Yeah!" ""BMS bowl game favoritism."" "Finally someone's picking us to win." "Yeah." "Favoritism doesn't mean that they think that we're gonna win." "It means that they don't think that we deserve to even be here." "What?" "We're the defending national champions." "We belong in whatever bowl we say we belong in." "That should be the headline right there!" ""We belong..."" "You're damn right!" "Come on." "Let's go." "Oh, yeah, encourage Thad." "That always works." "Well, maybe he's right." "I didn't come to BMS to play in some crappy bowl that nobody's gonna watch." "I came here for the spotlight, and this weekend I'm gonna have it, no matter what anybody says." "You should try dog fighting." "That will get you the spotlight, too!" "(LAUGHING)" "Oh, wait a minute." "Is that..." "Oh!" "Hey!" "Julia King?" "Yeah." "Hi, I'm Alex Moran." "I'm the second string quarterback for Blue Mountain State." "Really big fan of yours." "Oh, is that right?" "Yeah." "Yeah, it is." "Yeah." "How about I buy you a drink?" "And then maybe you can, like, interview me or something." "Could be fun." "Oh!" "We'll talk later." "What?" "What did I just say on the freakin' bus?" ""We're here"?" "No media!" "Yeah." "Moran, we win this game, and our nine and three season is all but forgotten." "And I'm one game closer to Joe Pa's record." "Oh." "There can be absolutely no distractions." "Especially distractions like her." "MORAN:" "She's just..." "Do you understand me?" "Yeah." "All right." "Get ready for the banquet." "I have a speech to write." "Dude, tell that reporter to stay away from us." "What..." "Ah..." "We need to focus." "Now you're just daring me to go talk to her." "And without further adieu, it is my pleasure to introduce six-time national champion," "Coach Marty Daniels from Blue Mountain State." "(CROWD CHEERING)" "I'd like to first thank the Cypress Bowl Committee for inviting us." "It's an honor to be here, even though there's a lot of folks out there who feel we don't deserve to be here." "But we're gonna prove them wrong when we kick Clementine's ass up and down the field tomorrow." "(ALL CHEERING)" "We're gonna embarrass you in front of your families." "We're gonna embarrass you in front of your friends." "We're gonna embarrass you in front of your fans." "And we're gonna humiliate you to the point, you're not gonna want to come out and play the second half!" "Because this is bullshit!" "Lastly, I'd like to thank the fine people of Baton Rouge for their hospitality." "You guys have been great." "Thank you very much." "That's right, Coach!" "Yes!" "Yes!" "Great speech, Coach!" "Coach!" "What are you doing?" "Eating." "Look, let me explain something to you, okay?" "Those d-bags at Clementine will stop at nothing to get an edge on us." "They've probably already poisoned all of our food." "Jeez, damn it, I already ate!" "You're the mascot." "Can't you just call in sick or something?" "Look, the point is, don't eat anything unless you've prepared it yourself." "Okay, fine." "I'm serious." "All right, okay." "Hey, guys." "Hey!" "We just wanted to wish you good luck, and may the best team win." "I'm sure you do." "We just wish you would get the hell out of my face!" "Get out of my face!" "Get out!" "Goodbye!" "No, no, no." "THAD:" "Don't even look back here!" "Forget about us!" "Why did you shoo the girls away?" "Because all they want to do is take you back to the hotel and have sex with you all night long in any position you want for as long as you want just to tire you out." "It's called a tactic." "How do you know that?" "This is a bowl game, okay?" "This is the way things are played." "I gave the same mission to our cheerleaders already." "Really?" "(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)" "I got some work to do." "Excuse me." "Can you do me a favor?" "Can you send a drink over to that pretty young lady in the red dress?" "That depends." "Does your friend mind if I send one to him?" "Him?" "Are you talking about me?" "Uh-huh." "You're even more adorable than I thought." "Over 2,000 all-purpose yards this season, and you're still surprised when a girl wants to buy you a drink." "Meet me in the coat room." "(CHUCKLES)" "Well..." "It's a condom." "Have fun." "Oh, man!" "I can't believe how big my game is tomorrow." "Never had such a big game." "I better go home and get a good night's sleep or else I'll be too tired for my big game tomorrow." "You're a football player?" "Yep." "Whoo!" "I really should rest up, though." "(CHUCKLES)" "Aw, poor baby!" "Why don't you let us tuck you in tonight?" "Just as long as you promise not to have too much sex with me and tire me out for my big game tomorrow." "Oh, we promise." "Well, then, take me away." "Um, so this is off the record." "I'm getting wasted tonight and I was wondering if you'd like to join me." "Funny." "I heard you're not supposed to talk to me." "That's probably why we should go hide out in your hotel room." "Who knows where Coach is?" "What's Coach Daniels's rule on kissing the media?" "We didn't discuss that." "Oh, good." "Mmm-hmm." "Mmm-hmm." "Mm-hmm, yeah." "We need to get to your hotel room as soon as possible." "I want an interview." "Yeah, that's fine!" "With Craig Shilo." "Huh?" "If you can get that, then maybe I can help you out with this." "Mmm." "Done." "Beep, beep, beep!" "Guess what I am!" "I'm an alarm clock." "It's time for bed!" "That means you." "No, no, hot girls." "No, no, no!" "You know that!" "I'll keep in touch with you." "Don't mess with me!" "I'm not kidding!" "Everybody go to bed!" "(CHUCKLING)" "You are great." "See you around, stud." "Ooh!" "Stop it." "I'm out of here." "This is better than Vegas!" "But, girls, wait." "I'm not even tired yet." "You're gonna tire me out, remember?" "We've had enough of you, freak!" "Okay, well, I had sex with all of you." "Nice job!" "Thanks, buddy." "All of them?" "Yeah." "Police!" "What?" "That's him, Officers!" "He's the one who raped me!" "What?" "Craig?" "Is he here?" "Mmm-hmm." "Craig?" "What the..." "Lights out means nighty-night." "What's so hard to understand about this?" "Shh!" "You shh!" "You shh!" "Look at this." "Look at the lamp." "Oh, shit, they did it." "Who did what?" "Clementine kidnapped Shilo." "Get ready for a long night, ladies." "It's game on." "(SPEAKS SPANISH)" "Sir, there's been a misunderstanding." "Oh, I think we understand things just fine." "You getting all this, Rooster?" "Sure is, boss." "You told me." "Look, I need to make a phone call." "Phones are busted." "But I need to call a lawyer!" "Well, how are you gonna call your lawyer when I just done told you the phones are busted?" "I didn't do anything." "POLICEMAN:" "Oh, well, we heard that one before." "Rooster, get the dogs." "Dogs?" "Why would you tell him to go get dogs?" "Rooster, don't get any dogs!" "What do we need dogs for?" "(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)" "This is a Clementine party?" "We get a 10:00 curfew and they get this?" "Oh, yeah." "It's what separates the champions from the losers." "Yeah, but who's who in this situation?" "Oh, you're about to be, if..." "Oh, look, Alex, there's your girl!" "Shit!" "Is she here?" "I can't let her see me like this." "Do you want to get Shilo back or not?" "Yes, I want to get Shilo back." "All right!" "Then do exactly as I say." "Let's go." "Wait, wait, wait." "Wait!" "Oh, Captain, my Captain." "Does the red rabbit run faster than the gazelle?" "Indeed it does." "But the butterfly drinks rainbow electricity." "Nice!" "What the hell just happened?" "I don't know." "I don't care." "Let's go find Shilo." "Hey, you guys can't leave." "I just told you to follow me." "Idiots!" "POLICEMAN:" "We have a problem here." "You see, what you've been telling us just don't add up." "It's math." "Look, man, it's like I told you." "That girl came on to me at the banquet." "Enough with the words!" "I'm getting tired of words always coming out of people's mouths, trying to convince me of something." "Well, you want to convince me?" "Drink." "(SNIFFS)" "(COUGHS)" "I can't drink that." "Look, I got a game tomorrow." "(BARKING)" "Oh, now you've gone and pissed the dogs off!" "Oh, man, I have to punt so many punts tomorrow," "I really hope I don't pull a muscle while I'm punting the football for Blue Mountain State." "Nice try, loser." "We know you're just the mascot." "You say that like it's a bad thing." "Uh, yeah, it's, like, the worst thing." "Oh, well guess what?" "What?" "I have crabs!" "Enjoy them!" "Hey!" "I'm looking for Craig Shilo." "Never heard of him." "What?" "You were just with..." "What did I tell you about talking to Clementine girls, Moran?" "The last time I saw Craig, he was sneaking around with that girl." "With that girl?" "Yeah, that girl." "That girl was with Shilo tonight?" "Yes." "Why?" "Why does no one listen to me?" "She set him up." "She banged him and accused him of rape." "That's crazy!" "No!" "That is crazy!" "What makes you think that?" "Because I had the same idea." "I just couldn't find a girl who would do it." "Are you insane?" "What is your problem?" "People get set up." "The only difference is that when I do it, we win football games." "You're welcome!" "We gotta go help Craig!" "Just a minute." "What?" "We gotta go help him!" "I just want to see something." "Nice work, boys!" "My work here is done." "Let's go save Shilo." "(PEOPLE VOMITING)" "(VOMITING)" "Let me get this straight." "Your teammate is wrongfully arrested and you retaliate by poisoning everyone's food." "No, I did that before I knew about the charges." "I just thought they kidnapped him." "Worked out pretty good, though." "(CHUCKLES) Yeah." "Those bastards did it, Alex!" "Sammy, it wasn't..." "Well, let's make those a-holes pay." "Let's do it!" "GIRL:" "There they are!" "Go, go, go!" "Come on." "Come on, girls." "(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)" "What are we doing?" "We gotta break Shilo out of jail." "We need him for the game." "Damn right!" "Oh, my God." "We're not even gonna make it to the game!" "The Clementine people you poisoned are now gonna kill us!" "Yeah, good luck finding us." "I told you everything I could." "I swear." "Do you want Kevin to kill that chicken?" "'Cause he'll do it!" "What?" "Kevin, don't kill that chicken." "ROOSTER:" "Kill the chicken, Kevin!" "He don't want to talk!" "No, Kevin, don't kill that chicken!" "Don't you kill that chicken, Kevin!" "(TIMER BEEPING)" "All right." "Good luck with the game today, champ." "Wait." "What?" "He said have a great game." "You're free to go." "What about the charges?" "Oh, charges are dropped." "You gotta go play your football game." "If you can still walk." "(LAUGHING)" "(CACKLING)" "THAD:" "Okay, there it is." "The police station." "Thad, they're not just gonna let us just walk in there and grab him." "No, you're right." "That's not gonna work." "We're gonna have to do this the hard way." "All right, screw it." "I'm not asking any more questions." "You're my captain." "Let's get him out." "You know what?" "Thank you for finally believing in me." "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Damn it." "Jesus Christ!" "What the hell is wrong with you, man?" "I think we're gonna have to go with plan B." "What could possibly be plan B?" "(GRUNTING)" "Oh, my God!" "He's punching cops!" "Why are you punching cops?" "Why is he punching cops?" "MORAN:" "What are you doing?" "Shilo, let's go!" "Where are we going?" "THAD:" "Go, go, go." "SAMMY:" "Go, go, go." "(ALL SCREAMING)" "Oh, shit, oh, shit." "MORAN:" "Get out of my way!" "SAMMY:" "Why were you punching cops?" "(DOGS BARKING)" "(GUN FIRES)" "SHILO:" "What the hell is wrong with you, man?" "Why'd you do that?" "They were gonna kill you, man!" "Now they're gonna kill us all!" "I don't understand." "When was the last time you saw them?" "They were in their rooms at 10:00 last night." "Jeez!" "(DOG BARKING)" "Craig, I need you to do me a favor." "What?" "If we get out of this, I need you to do an interview with Julia King before the game." "If we get out of this, I'll do anything." "Let's go!" "Okay, good." "I'm gonna hold you to that." "Move!" "Shit." "Go, go, go!" "(BUS HONKING)" "(SCREAMING)" "(TIRES SCREECHING)" "(ALL SHOUTING)" "Go, go." "Hey, hi." "(SIGHS)" "Can you play?" "Yes, Coach." "Hey, can you play?" "Yes, Coach." "Can you play?" "I don't play football." "Can you play?" "I could, but I don't know why it matters." "Well, it does matter, because Jesus forgot to tell our starting quarterback about food poisoning." "(ALL EXCLAIM)" "Congratulations." "You're starting today." "That stupid piece of shit." "Julia?" "Oh, yeah, Shilo, I need you to give Miss King here an interview before the game." "No problem, Coach." "SAMMY:" "Tonight's episode featured music by Rev Theory,"