" Morning, Mister." " Morning, young man." "Who are you trying to impress?" "Tell that boy to put the paper in the door." "Or next time it'll be a big bottle." "In the nose, out the mouth." "In the mouth, out the nose." "Don't breathe." "Now breathe in." "And hold it in!" "Confuse that body, rattle it!" "Make it crazy!" "Hold it, hold it." "Ziya, Hayrettin, Kadir." "Stand like this or your spleen will blow up." "Look at Saffet the teacher there." "What a saint." "See?" "He's rounded up the poor duckies again..." "And got them Eid outfits." "Bless him, the dear." "But he knows all about walking on the road." "Hey, teacher!" "Ýsmail Abi." "You're hogging the road like cattle." "Am I supposed to whip you into line?" "And you say you've seen the city." "There's only one Sivas, son." "Anything you want to learn is here." " Where are you going?" " To the village." "OK, that's on our way." "Bye then." "See you." "Move over there." "It's the same every Eid, Fikret." "You oversleep, we have pray outside." "My roots needed a fix, Ýsmail Abi." "Here, brethren." "Have some shame, it's a holy morning." "Don't drive me to sin please." "This fridge box is foreign." "I'm not prostrating myself on it." "God forgive you!" "Çetin Abi, spare me today of all days." "Turn it over, you won't see the logo." "Fikret abi, hear that?" "He's talking logos." "Ýsmail Abi, excuse me while I shit on him." "Not a single mat left, huh?" "Çetin, Çetin!" " What's up?" " I'm fine, praise God." "You?" "I was preaching before you bust in, Çetin." "On the rules and virtues of Eid prayers." "You always do the same sermon." "So what?" "He figured we hadn't got it." "Çetin, enough!" "Sit down." "You whine every Eid." "How many now?" " Three!" " And you're cocky." "Never!" "Don't get me wrong, imam." "You collected a ton of alms." "OK, call it my sin." "But where did those alms go?" "On air-con, on wall-to-wall carpets." "Zip it, teacher!" "You're like a punch-hungry wimp trying to break up a fight." "But you're talking to the imam." "Manners, please!" "Honoured imam, it's come to my notice that you have no spare mats." "My worthy brothers must pray on whatever they find." "Fikret Abi had 'for sale' printed on his forehead last Eid." "He got the ads page." "3 beds, lounge, new kitchen/bath in Þarkýþla." "Monthly fees 80 lira." "For your attention!" "Enough, Çetin!" "OK, I'm starting." "Get chanting, Hüseyin." "Quick!" "Give whatever you can." "God will reward you in heaven." "Eid blessings, Abi." "Have some cologne." "Give whatever you can." "Eid blessings, Abi." "Friend." "This is from five of us, but we need change." "But this is change!" "I'll keep it then." "Give what you can, help out the mosque." "Give what you can." "Help out the mosque." "Give what you can." "This sucks." "Even the alms box is a foreign bleach box, huh?" "God forgive you!" "Çetin Abi, don't bother." "Get a receipt, brothers." "Get a receipt." "No one's getting a receipt." "Çetin, why not make peace with your village imam?" "Go to Eid prayers there if you don't like this mosque." "Anyway it's less crowded there." "I'm not at war, just making a stand." "Beat it!" "Tell your dad to pay his debt from 2004." "And he celebrates Eid!" "Eid blessings!" "Put this in your pocket." "Wake up, Nazmi Amca." "I'm Fikret, the gas man." "He's got old, Çeto." " What are you sacrificing?" " A bit of skirt!" "C'mon, it's the end of Ramadan, not the Feast of the Sacrifice." "God, he's got old." "Chill, Fikret Abi." "He's a big giver." "Here, Nazmi Amca." "Eid blessings!" "Eid blessings!" " Tank?" " Dad!" "Son!" "Tank!" "What are you doing here?" " Nothing wrong, huh?" " No, dad." "Thought I'd surprise you." "Come here then and let me hug you." "Son!" "Saffet, when did you sneak in?" "I'm stuck on Tank's lap here." "I'll swap if you like, Fikret Abi." "I'm his godfather, I'm OK." "What does that mean?" " Marriage is a no-no." " What does that mean?" "Nazmi Amca, when did you sneak in?" "Where are you going?" "Is Yýldýzeli on the way?" "Tank, I once spent a fortune to get half as zoned out as Nazmi Amca." "Here's the fare for five people." "He's paying for us too." "What is this, Nazmi Amca?" "Shame on you!" "Forget fares." "Come with us and have a good breakfast at ours." "I'll drop you off later." "It was my first time back in years." "It feels incredible when someone goes wild just to see you." "What's going on, Mum?" "It's only me." "What's so amazing about that, Dad?" "My precious boy!" "How I'd die for you!" "You know, there are people here who love you more than anyone else." "You're all maniacs!" "It's not the place you miss but the people in it." "OK, don't hit my boy." "He's my boy." "Go on in, dear." "You must be hungry." "You're treated to the best food in the best place." "Just because you've come home." "People race around to make you feel at home." "Whose son are you?" "Huh?" "Ahmet's." "That father of yours..." "He was a nasty piece of scum." "The check!" "Missing these people you love suddenly becomes missing the city." "And I'd arrived that day to give these lovely people a little surprise." "Look, son." "I'm not the narrow-minded type, OK?" "Hell no, I've an open mind." "I'll say that." "Marry if you like." "I'd never interfere." "Why should I?" "But I need some background." "Who is this girl, who's her family?" "Marika and I worked for the same firm in Latvia." "Then..." "I don't want to know!" "Why this thing fora foreign bride?" "Are all Sivas girls blighted?" "Look, it's his life." "What's it to us?" "What do you mean?" "I can't even say the girl's name!" "She's our bride, not some stranger." "For heaven's sake!" "So listen." "Where was Latvia a district of?" "3 hours by air from Istanbul." "Capital, Riga." "Maritime climate, humid, harsh winters." "Ýsmail Abi, is the girl Muslim?" "What's it to you if she is or not, Fikret?" "If he slammed Fikret Abi, she isn't Muslim, boys." "Slammed?" "Muslim or not, what's it to you?" "They're in love." "What's it to us?" " Ýsmail Abi." " What?" ""To you" to him and "to us" to him..." "What's bugging you?" "The Latvia project is over now." "So they want Marika in Italy, me in Turkmenistan." "For us to stay in the same country means marrying PDQ." " In Timbuktu?" " Huh?" " In Timbuktu?" " No, pretty damn quick." "Poof-poof, poof-poof." "Poof-poof, Çeto." "Poof-poof." "He caught us on the hop." "If I'd known before, I'd have got the money I'm owed..." "And done the wedding." "We've been ambushed." "Who can we ask for money when it's Eid?" "We've eaten from every hand, Ýsmail." "Count our blessings!" "Don't go bowing and scraping again." "F*ckaduck." " What's the fuss about, Ýsmail?" " What?" "The boy's worked abroad for years." "He must have savings." " Let him do the wedding." " Now look!" "Look, son." "A real father with us has his son circumcised..." "Sends him to school, then the army and gets him married." "It's our way." "I won't have this village accuse me of not giving my son a wedding!" "If we have 10 days, I'm doing this wedding." "Dad, we'd planned on something simple." "Planned on what?" "Is it your wedding?" "It's my wedding now!" "That's my job." "Now you tell me about Latvia, the weather and all that." "OK, Dad." "If you say so." "I say, friends, we'll do this wedding in 10 days." "Hah!" "I knew you'd go round in circles..." "And end up palming us off with the job." "Ýsmail Abi, when you said 10 days I figured you knew something." "He does!" "What kind of friends are you?" "He slammed Tank because he trusted us." "What's 'slam', Çeto?" "It's on my brain now." "Fikret Abi gets fired up faster than anyone you ever saw." "Dad claims Fikret Abi runs on gas, so he often calls him Gas Man Fikret." "Fikret Abi is all words and no action." "A man of impulse." "He runs a gas store." "Hello!" "Yes?" "No." "Maybe." "Get out of here!" "He's also a bit rash." "He lost two wives to cancer." "After his first wife died he decided not to marry again." "But he soon reneged and remarried." "He can keep a cool head come what may." "Fikret Abi never panics." "Come here, boy." "C'mon, c'mon, in here." "Come here, c'mon." "Look at the place!" "There's a leak." "The place stinks of gas." "I have a cig on the go." "It'll get ugly." "What is this?" "Sweep the place." "Now!" "Tut-tut-tut." "You want us on the main news, huh?" "Bünyamin." "Tell your dad to pay his gas debts." "So it was Fikret Abi who was first to stand by Dad." "We'll do the wedding, Ýsmail Abi." "Your son is mine." "I'll handle the venue." "The wedding will be at the Sivas Hotel." "C'mon, Fikret Abi!" "The place costs a fortune." "I'll fix that." "Just leave it to me." "What's your contribution?" "Let's hear it!" "OK." "I'll do the lemonade, cake, spoons, the bridal convoy..." "And however many cars there are..." "All the ribbons for the wing-mirrors..." "Whether on the left or right." "Ýsmail Abi..." "The Prophet said help newlyweds." "I'll do the wedding outfits too." "Mum can make them." "Çetin, it's 5 years since your mum was a tailor." "OK, but would she let down her son?" "Çeto, your mum's blind." "Blind as a bat." "That's why she quit." "Çetin, we put your mum on a wage so she'd quit, right?" "We do a whip-round every month, right?" "If I say I'll handle it, I'll handle it." "OK?" "OK?" "Çetin Abi was a latecomer to the gang." "The gang was his escape from the loser crowd." "He was wild in his youth." "He even demanded protection money." "He drank heavily." "Got in a coma a few times." "One day he was hammered again." "So badly it was dawn when he found his way home." "But there was no one home." "The neighbours said his dad was catching a bus to Mecca." "He ran to find his dad, but could barely stand up." "Stand up!" "You shame me." "You aren't my son!" "Nothing had hurt Çetin Abi until then." "Until those words." "What did it mean, "You aren't my son!"?" "That night he dreamed of a mullah." "So your father said you weren't his son." "There's only one thing to do then." "I'll do anything, mullah." "Only one thing for me to do, not you." "Hold this." "Oh my God!" "Oh my God, oh my god!" "Who knows if he really was beaten by the mullah?" "But Çetin Abi was changed after that night." ""It's over," he said." "He never drank again." "He began to get his life in order." "The poor give all, the rich just money as they say, teacher." "OK then." "As Tarik is a friend, as everyone's being selfless..." "I'll bring a musical diva, I'll bring Emel Sayýn." "Right." "Her absence is felt." "So Emel Sayýn wasn't at my first circumcision..." "And the knife slipped." "That explains most of my problems." "Sit down!" "Oh my God!" "That's hysterical." "They said they'd bring in Roberto Carlos to head SivasSpor." "That cracked me up as much as this." "But then they did." "You shouldn't laugh at everything." "Sivas has become something else." "It's like I fight with Roberto for parking spaces." "But our wedding's more Arabesque, more Selami Þahin." " Really?" " Yes." "I'm more into Doðan." "Latif Doðan, 'I'm Miffed'." "Hah." "It's more folksy." "Fine, but they'd want a fortune." "Emel is family." "If I ask, she'll come." "It takes one call." "She's my dad's aunt's cousin!" "To his aunt, to his aunt I lost my heart It's rare you find a teacher half as smart." "OK, bum deal, we'll go for Emel." "And if we find the money..." "We'll swap her for someone else." "You make me laugh." "Saffet Abi teaches primary school." "He's crazy for the job." "He went to free boarding school so feels he owes the state." "Who knows how many villagers he taught to read and write?" "He was last to join the gang." "It's a mystery how he did." "If he's ever accused of lying, it freaks him out." "Why would I lie?" "She's my aunt's cousin." "Don't make me crazy!" "Drop it." "At least my spin's half-believable." "The cake, lemonade, ribbons." "The hotel owner's an army buddy." "He was at my barracks." "We're like grandpa and grandson." "I'm grandpa." "But his aunt's grandpa." "You figure that out!" "We're back here tomorrow night then." "Dad had done it again." "He'd made a decision and roped in his friends." "Call it charm or persuasion, that was Dad's nature." "Ýsmail!" "I was looking for you." "They said you were here." "Here's your share." "Enjoy!" "God bless you." "So no one stopped him sacrificing the beast." "That's too bad." "Fora morsel of meat they kept quiet." "Nazmi Amca, is the hide going to the mosque?" "There was no hide." "Not much hide this year." "Don't eat that meat!" "Who knows what it is?" "Don't eat it." "I'll ask the mukhtar if anyone's missing." "OK, God bless." "Right." "God bless." "ÇETIN ABI IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOST (STOLEN) PROPERTY." "HE'S A REFORMED MAN." "Where have you been, Ýsmail?" "Oh my God!" "What time is it?" "I was just at the teahouse with friends." "The teahouse again, huh?" "What kept you till this hour?" "It's your son's fault." "We're skint." "The boys and I are working on it." "Let the boy do the wedding himself." "Your son's giving you these ideas, isn't he?" "I see!" "He's your son during school and the army..." "My son when it doesn't suit you, huh?" "Well think again!" "Look, if you want to do that wedding, stop being a mule and ask your brother for the money." "I don't have a brother!" "Got tha..." "Hatice?" "Hatice." "Where are you?" "I'm scared of the dark." "Baby, when Dad said that, what could I do?" "Thanks." "Dad talked about the Sivas Hotel." "But it's not definite yet." "Selam aleykum!" "Whoa!" "A valet, huh?" "Hey, park the truck somewhere decent." "No cruising or you're screwed." "I know the mileage." "Here." "Nice catch." "Oaf!" "Don't make the lady carry it." "She's your mum's age." "Hah!" "Made for each other." "Can I help?" "Hello." "It's years since I saw such a picture of beauty, ma'am." "That's why it won't come out." "She's embarrassed." "It's stuck in my mouth." " What do we do?" " How can I help?" "I just put the swankiest hello you'll ever see..." "Right here." "First take it." "Sir, let me help." "Beat it!" "Don't piss me off!" "Give me a tent in an earthquake and I'd still sleep outside!" "My brown beauty, my rose." "I even use brown sugar in my tea." "You ha..." "Yes, officer?" "Who are you after?" "Who am I after?" "Umm..." "Young black-tache Sirn of Adýyamanlý." "Good-timer Sirn." "The hotel owner." "Who are you?" "Who?" "Say Grandpa Fikret." "Gas man Fikret." "But he won't know what I do in ciwy street." "Say Gunner Fikret." "I was a gunner in the army." "Now go!" "Where were we before he interrupted?" "Where are you going?" "You chased her away." "God damn you!" "Yes, you!" "You aren't my type." "Beat it!" "Hello?" "Sir, your grandfather, Gunner Fikret is here." "Who?" "Your grandfather, Gunner Fikret." "Is this a joke?" "What grandfather?" "What gunner?" "Don't you know my grandfathers are dead?" "I was confused too, sir." "He said he's a gas man." "A gas man?" " Yes." " Idiot!" "Who needs deliveries?" "We use mains gas..." " At this hotel!" " Sorry, sir." "I'll stop bothering you." "Goodbye." "Aren't the tourism guys here?" "It's a holiday dammit." "No, just the gas man." "Still the gas man." "Hang up!" "Fikret Bey." "Yes, officer?" "Is there some mistake?" "No, but Sirn Bey is busy." "He'll see you later." "See you in an hour." "I'll drop off my orders." "Ýsmail, I say..." "We do a dead simple, no-frills wedding." "I talked to Tank." "He said, "Don't bust a gut for me." "I don't need a party. "" "We already discussed this, Missus." "It's all taken care of." "We're doing a team effort." "You stay out of it." "That's my job." "Look, Fikret..." "Is talking to the Sivas Hotel." "So we'll soon be all over the Sivas Post." " Is that it?" " Well now." "Fikret is right out of his depth." "His wife borrowed money last month." "She still hasn't paid me back." "She just says Fikret is owed, but he can't ask for it." "Well, she's right." "I owe Fikret a bit." "So look, I owe Fikret a bit." "His wife owes my wife a bit." "It's a mighty mess." "Does Çetin have money?" " Çetin?" " Yes." "What's he doing?" "Not getting his mum to make the wedding dress?" "His mum's blind, right?" "My sides will split." "God willing." "Do you mean that, Ýsmail?" "Where are you going?" "Your breakfast." "Ýsmail!" "Whoa!" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Oh my God!" "Who put that there?" "Go get..." "wise in the ways of God." "Stay focused." "Stay focused!" "Everyone here!" "Put love into that punch." "The aim is not to beat up your opponent." "It's to bring him into society." "Remember, put love into it." "What's up?" "Remember, put love into it." "Punch his soul, not his body." "Smile." "Smile so he smiles back." "I fought 61 matches as a pro boxer." "That's 58 knockouts in a row." "I lost." "A two-win streak escaped me." "I never forget." "I promised myself I'd quit boxing if I won the next fight." "I won that fight." "No punch will make you unhappy." "Because no one unhappy can change the world." "A 61 license plate is from Trabzon." "A58?" "Sivas!" "So why can't another Olympic champion come out of this class?" "Another Hamza Yerlikaya!" "You two, over there." "C'mon, move!" "Anyone late with fees trains on the fridge today." "OK, a standard punch bag is good for 65,000 punches." "I'm not wasting it on you." "Now get training." "Mum, Mum?" "Watch your friends." "Mum, Mum!" "Mum." "Mum, I tell you what." "Classical music is over." "Nothing new comes out." "Where are Baroque and the Romantics?" "It's out with Bach, in with Baha." "Çetin, I have no money." "Mum, don't give me grief." "Look." "I'm on a thin line between being and not being." "I'm invisible." "Imagine." "The line's wider than me." "I can't borrow." "What do you mean, Mum?" "I was on Voice of Sivas TV." "They reported on me beating up the boxing boys for their fees." "If the governor hears..." "This place will close." "How will I get the money?" "I've no more gold." "Oof!" "Really?" "Sit quietly now." "Ýlyas, back to your place!" "Hello?" "This is Saffet from Sivas." "I'm a cousin..." "Of Emel Sayýn." "Say Gürbüz Ahmet's son and she'll know." "Give me your number." "Emel Haným is tied up." "I'll call when she's free." "OK." "Do you have a pen?" "Yes." "Go ahead." " 3." " 3." " 32." " 32." " 16" " OK, 16." "Thanks." "I'll be waiting." "Play this lot." "Stop!" "Move back." "There you go." "Up!" "Stand up!" "What did I say?" "What happens if you don't pay your fees on time?" "This!" "I'll come find you wherever you are..." "And get my money." "It's not yours." "Now c'mon, box!" "Tank." "How old is the bride?" "Same age as me." "Does she speak Turkish?" "Well, she hears but she can't speak it." "Tarik, you're in an awful hurry to get married, you know." "Well, it gives us all kinds of ideas, son." "C'mon, out with it." "I won't be angry." "But what's the question?" "Tell your wet nurse." "What are you talking about?" "Did you get the girl pregnant?" "Answer your wet nurse." "It's obvious what you'll say, but answer the question." "No, Mum." "Are you crazy?" "We use protection." "Protection against who, what?" "Why don't we know?" "No, not that." "Well..." "Protection against umm..." "Against what?" "Oh my!" "Let's go." "This boy is bad." "Run!" "How could you say that?" "How could you ask that?" "May you be struck down by rocks as big as me!" "Just like your dad." "Take him away." "It would be fair to say we did this to promote tourism." "Well, well, well!" "Sirn, the wayward grandson." "Selam aleykum." "Lady, can I stick this here?" "It's to go a customer." "Sirn!" "Who are the dames there?" "If they were horses, I'd stake my fortune." "150 small gas bottles, 60 big, they're worth it." "Fikret, my friend." "We're in a crucial meeting here." "If we can finish it, then I'll help you." "Help yourself first." "Your fly's open." "True, you should leave the door to a dead man's house open." "I found it funny." "Anyway my thing's urgent." "You know our Ýsmail, the smith?" "His son's getting married." "I say do the wedding here." "Huh?" " We were discussing that." " The wedding?" "No, tourism." "Now that Sivas is on the tourist map..." "A lot of tourists come." "Let's see..." "We're fully booked." "What do tourists want in Sivas?" "There's no sea, nothing." "Just a river." "They'd bathe in that?" "Look, see her?" "If she were moonshine I'd drink her neat." "Fix me the dark one." "I'll down her in one." "Just a second." "Tourists don't come here?" "Of course they do, lady." " Annually at least" " One day." "Talk all you like." "Look, lady." "I'm from Sivas born and bred." "The tourist sights are 2-3 hours away." "It's a public holiday." "How many guests here?" "Zero, nix." "Sirn!" "That dark one, OK?" "If she wrote a book..." "I'd read it." "Think, the book and me." "I tell you I'd read it." "I've one industrial gas bottle, that's yours too." " C'mon, fix it, Sirn." " We'll handle that later." "But why talk about Sivas like this?" "Look, we're growing." "We have a university." "So Sivas is growing." "You know, growing." "What, growing to you?" "What's the population of Sivas?" "623,000." "How many Sivas people in Istanbul?" " 2, maybe 2.5" " No way!" "3!" "Istanbul has 3 million Sivas people." "If we don't stay here, why would tourists?" "The man's right." "So, partner?" "We do the wedding here?" "OK." "Hah!" "Fiko." "Is that gas bottle full?" "Yes." "It's tourist season at the Sivas Hotel so they're booked up." " Sirn said so." " Fikret!" "Did the bastards beat you up?" " There was a small spat between us." " Fikret Abi..." "Give me the bastard's name and I'll trash his love train." "Give me the name, the name, the name." "Dammit!" "Any guy who can beat up me, Fikret, the gas man..." "He's at the Sivas Hotel, boys." "But he beat me up something else, Çeto." "Twice on the way home I forgot my name." "And a few times..." "I didn't know where I was." "I lost the plot." "Here, friend." "OK, 20 lira for?" "Winston Light, two packs." "We don't sell cigs." "Some newsstand!" "Thanks a lot." "Hey, are we moving?" " How many of them?" " Huh?" "How many of them?" "OK, no slandering." "It was Sirn on his own." "He bashed away at my head with the gas bottle." "Sly dog, he gets me with my own weapon." "Look." "It's all dented." "My customer refused to take it." "Ýsmail Abi, let me go trash the guy." "First let's see to the wedding, then Sirn." "It's nothing." "Now where are you with food and drink?" " When did we get to that?" " We already got there." "Umm, they need cash." "They need supplies, right?" "They have a point." "If we're stuffed on that, I won't even ask about Emel Sayýn." " No, ask." " Emel Sayýn?" "We're relatives." "Doing that really bugs me." "I swear she's family." "I got her manager today." "I'll call back." "Teacher, zip it!" "Ýsmail Abi, let's fix the cash thing ASAP." "The lady took me by the arm to the clinic." "Coming back I hit on my own wife." "I talked dirty in her ear." "I thought she was hot for me." "I slung my wife of 7 years, my lawful wife into a friend's house." "But she was so cute, Çeto." "So cute." "Anyway, all tradesmen are friends." "Talking face to face is different." "If we ask, they'll agree." "Tomorrow's another day." "Ýsmail Abi, you keep shifting gears." "Who's your father?" "Kinyas?" "Tell your dad to pay for his gas." "You shut up!" "I'm talking to the kid." "I'll break your bones." "Have this bottle." "Here!" "C'mon, take it!" "Was that confetti?" "Guys, I've battled with this mindset for years." "I don't get what makes people think..." "There's big money in selling appliances." "Look, Abdullah Abi." "Ogün's there." "Ogün, Ogün!" "Throw the ball, c'mon!" "C'mon, boys." "C'mon." "Ali." "Sami." "Let's hear it!" "Look, it's your duty to help Tank." "We're boys from the same village." "Don't let me down." "Look at all those fridges." "If anyone has money, it's you." "C'mon, help us out." "None of this is mine." "I just sell it and get a percentage." "Just give us one of these TVs." "This one, say." "Hey, Fikret." "Fikret, stop!" "Hey!" "Don't you do gas deliveries?" " Yes." " Are all the gas bottles yours?" "Yes." "Who else's?" "Çeto, what's he saying?" "I'd sell someone else's gas?" "For God's sake." "What's he saying?" "F*ck your gas bottle!" "Fikret Abi, what's with you?" "The catalogue." "Here's the cost price of everything." "OK?" "I sell the stuff." "I pay the cost price plus my costs." "It's not my stuff!" "Saffet, you're an educated guy." "Please explain!" "I'll do my best then." "Friends..." "It isn't his stuff." "That's that." "Don't blame him, he's a worker." "Thanks, teacher." "Nothing beats an educated man." "Give us an oven." "Yes, an oven." "If the fridges aren't yours, we at least deserve an oven, Zeki." "My blood pressure's shooting up." "It's ours." "Toraman." "We have to get something." "This sucks." "A whole day of arm-twisting and look what we end up with." "Home bread won't even fit." "A toaster will get us nowhere." "Just to reiterate, it's not the man's stuff." " He just gets a cut." " Right." "It's all your fault." "We got the point, but pretended not to." "You and your wise-guy trips." "He's a teacher, right?" "He's educated." "So our Zeki revs him up and he goes for it." "Where's Emel, huh?" "Where's Emel Sayýn?" "Where's Emel Sayýn?" "I'm not falling for it!" "Love is a big need in life" "Everyone needs to love and be loved" "Be friends with everyone, friends with all" "Life is slipping by, you know" "Someone here has it, someone there, someone everywhere" "Whoever has the blue-eye bead" "Has my heart Someone here..." " Fikret Abi!" " What?" "You had four coffees." "You only paid for two." "Two were cold." "For God's sake." "Ýsmail." "Here, I made a list." "Have a look." "Anything missing?" "Take it, here." "What's this?" "These figures by the names?" "Whatever we gave at their weddings, it's all there." "Always quarter gold coins." "If only we'd given whole coins." " What's this?" " What?" "Look, it says 130 loaves of bread." "We gave Nazif 130 loaves of bread?" "Well, it was worth 130 loaves of bread at the time." "We gave them Marks, huh?" "Hey, this is a mighty long list." "Ýsmail?" "Is your brother coming?" "Are we inviting him?" "We'll see." " That's my job." " Oh God." " The wedding hall?" " We'll see." "That's my job." " The invites?" " We'll see." "That's my job." "We'll see." "That's my job." "Well, look sharp." "The girl's family arrives tomorrow." "Turn out the light." "Now would I let you down?" "You shouldn't even have come." "I'd have sent the boy round." "You're a good lad." "It's my duty, Ýsmail Abi." "We're from the same village." "We must stand by each other." "Right, Fikret Abi?" "Bravo." "Your dad was a decent man too." "Want me to take your dick for a spin?" "OK, my lad." "Now take this bag and fill it..." "As full as you like." "These favors you do will become legend, you know?" "You know what?" "You make me want to stroke your spleen, I swear." "Look, I'll tell Tarik to set up a Facebook group for you." "You're the pride of Sivas, not just its jeweler." "C'mon, please." "Anyone else would do the same." "But the thing is, I only have 27 followers on Twitter." "So I'd love it if you told Tank to do a Friday Follow to my account." "I'm kind of antisocial." "I don't have Twitter or Facebook at home." "But like I said, I'll take your dick fora spin." "Look, we'll find those followers and give them hell, don't you worry." "Punks!" "Who are they following?" "This is Sivas!" " It's harassment." " We're onto it, don't worry." "We'll go then before trashing the place." "Then I'll umm give you this." "Did you take a good look?" "Just a single quarter in there, huh?" "Just this, Ýsmail Abi." "I'll strangle that boy like a turkey, Ýsmail Abi." " All that talk." " This is beyond us." "And the girl's family are on a plane." "We've messed up here." "Abi, don't get mad, but I have an idea." "Your brother might help." "Right away if I asked." "The wedding's beyond me, right?" "He'd help like a shot." "Time fora confab." "Brethren, to the front row please." "There'll be a ton of jewelry given at the wedding." "If we were to keep it..." "Just suppose." "If we use that for our expenses, the jewelry money will subrevize it." "Subrevize?" "What are you talking about?" "Just that, Fikret Abi." "Ýsmail Abi, let's go right now and get a loan from the bank." " The cleanest kind." " The cleanest kind?" "We'll use it on the basics." "We'll all get fake jewelry to give at the wedding." "So it won't cost anything." "We'll pay the loan with money from the jewelry." "If we keep it." "We'll keep it, I'll see to that." "So what do you say?" "A loan in whose name?" "The name of love, brotherhood, humanity, the collective!" "In Ýsmail Abi's name." "Ýsmail Yücesoy." "The loan will be in my name." "Did you bring a pay slip?" "I only brought my ID." "The other thing I didn't umm..." "What was it?" "A pay slip." "That's a paper showing how much you earn." "Hah, I see." "I'm retired." "I'm on a pension." "You can't borrow more than a year's pension." "And only from your pension bank." "The loan is deducted monthly." "Mention the jewelry." "Now look, the thing is this." "As soon as we get the jewelry we'll pay you back." "We can't lend to pensioners." "Oof, I've had it." "Wait, Ýsmail Abi." "I'll take it on." "Banker, give it to me." "What do you do for a living?" "I'm the boss." "I run my own business." " In what?" " Unnatural gas and energy." "Then we need a certified statement of your revenues for the last 5 years." "I'm OK sending it with the boy, right?" "OK, lady." "What's the cleanest way to get this loan?" "Come in!" "Scalawags." "Ýsmail Abi, they scared me." "Fikret Abi, see that?" "How he's trained the kids?" "They stood up the second we came in." "Kids, selam aleykum!" "Thanks!" "Anyway." "Kids, sit quietly now." "Bravo." "Ýsmail Abi, what's up?" "Nothing bad?" "Now, Saffet." "They want you at the bank." "I'll explain on the way." "It's a long story." " OK, but the kids?" " I'll handle that." "Take this." "Go with Ýsmail Abi." "Go, Saffet." " Umm..." " C'mon." "I'll handle it." "Off you go." "How are you, kids?" "Fine thanks!" "Boy, is it annoying." "Hey, teacher!" "Hey, thanks." "Bless you!" "What would we have done without you?" "Bless us all." "Ýsmail Abi, we're sure to get 15,000 lira from the jewelry, huh?" "We'll see." "That's your job." " But you said at least 15-20,000." " No, I didn't!" "That was Fikret." "How do I know what I said?" "I landed a gas bottle 2 days ago!" "I have hallucinations." "Last night I saw Dad." "He was back from war in Cyprus." "He said the front needed beefing up." "I said, "Do it!"" ""Yes, sir!" he said and left." "It's bad." "The family has it rough." "This sucks." "Matter expands when heated, contracts on cooling?" "Makes sense." "Atatürk!" "So in which provinces did he hold congresses?" "Sivas, Erzurum, Tokat and?" " Amasya!" " Right." "A trick question." "You weren't fooled." "I've family in Tokat." "My mind drifted." "Never mind that." "First memorize this:" "The foundations of the Republic were laid in Sivas." "Sit down." "Çetin Abi, why are the kids on one leg?" " They're ours, teacher." " Meaning?" "Call the kids at the board B-set." "B-set's a joint set." "Your students and mine." "The students on my course owe fees." "So I punished them." "Let me hand over." "Hey, listen!" "Wherever you are I'll come find you." "I'll get my money." "Back to your place." "Back to your places!" "One of the kids is doing push-ups outside!" "He hasn't paid his fees for 3 whole months." "Standing on one foot was too easy." "Kids, I'm going." "Goodbye!" "What did we talk about?" " Selam aleykum!" " Aleykum selam!" "Suck on that, teacher." "OK, I'm off." "Agh!" "Oof, you didn't get my point." "This is Sivas!" "Where's her family?" "When are they coming?" "I meant to tell you, dad." "There just wasn't a chance." "Marika has no family." "She lost her parents as a child." "Poor dear." "Does she have no other relatives?" "Aunts, uncles, whatever?" "I made up all those beds." "Marika has no family." "She grew up in care." "The state put her through school." "She needs to be among people, you know?" "Now look, what are their customs?" "Just like ours, dad." "It'll be just how you want it." "Hah, that's." "It's easy." "I'll see to that." "Now, missus." "Make the guests at home." "I'm off to the teahouse." "Wait, wait." "Ýsmail." "What?" "Take this to your brother, dear." "After all, he's our elder." "Here." "Hey!" "You had invites printed?" "How many?" "So you had money saved?" "What money?" "These are samples." "I went to the printer and told him to print one of each, then I'd choose." "Bless him, he did it." "Are you..." "Trying to tell me something?" "I have four for Ýshak here." "You?" " Forget what you asked, OK?" " What's he saying?" "Did he make her miserable?" "That's my girl!" "Now look." "Which one do you fancy?" "There's one with ribbon, one with lace, everything." " Let's see." " Look." "Seeing it's an alcohol-free wedding this is my to-do list." "Well, I've done my bit." "So what about Fikret Abi?" "Like Ýsmail Abi said, the girl has no family." "So you know our Nuri Abi's tea garden?" "I say we do it there." "Plus it'll be cool." "In this heat..." "It'll be cool." "Fikret, let's just admit it." "Our first try was an epic fail." "I guess your dad thought so too, Çeto." "He had no more kids after you." "Once bitten, twice shy." "Bravo!" "That's the way to slam a guy." "OK, to go from the Sivas Hotel to the Family Tea Garden..." "It's a f*cker." "Anyway." "Now look, Samet." "How's your side of things?" "It's Sermet." "No, c'mon!" "It's Sergen." "Hey, c'mon!" "I'm Saadet." "A pleasure." "You're new in the village?" "What happened with your task?" "I tried her again today." "OK, I'll say it again." "I swear she's family." "I just can't reach her." "She's at concerts, on tour." "End result?" "The Sivas Hotel." "Saadet made a dig at me, Çeto." "What can I do?" "It's a bummer." "Someone local just qualified for Popstar Eurostyle." "I'll ask them." "Great." "And get some dancers from the club." "To pole dance." "Sponsored by gas man Fikret." "I found it funny." "Ýsmail Abi, I spoke to Yilmaz about that fake jewelry." "Let's get that out the way." "But it'll take an hour or two." "I say don't daily." "There's no rush." "It's in Sivas, right?" "But not like you think." "It's a trek." "Whoa!" "What is that?" "It's like a Photoshop job." "A graphic designer did that." "No architect would." "Teacher, don't overdo it." "Yilmaz Bey just had precautions in mind." "What precautions?" "Say the gendarmes raid the place." "What will he do?" "Pour vats of boiling pitch from up there?" "Fire flaming arrows?" "What will he do?" "Huh?" "Ýsmail Abi, what's with the rage?" "It doesn't faze the man." "What's a few steps?" "95!" " Hah." " I bothered to count." "Çeto, I dare you." "Bring Ferhat here." "Tell him Shirin's waiting up in the house." "Hand him the keys and say, "Go for it"." "If he can be assed to climb the steps, lay me right here!" "You what?" "What are you babbling about?" "Lay me here, roll me down." "What did you think?" "Oh, right." "Check down below." "If I'm still alive, f*ck me, all three of you!" "Please!" "What are you saying for God's sake?" "I'm picturing it." "It's too bad, me and Ýsmail Abi." "Why me?" "Hey, why me?" "Don't make me crazy, Fikret!" "Look, I'd die anyway." "I said, if I don't die." "You're all wired." "Abi, you still don't get how serious this is." "Watch it!" "The guy up there isn't normal." "He's sick, a maniac." "Just your type." "Hah." "Good." "OK." "In the name of God." "Who are you?" "What's up?" "Why are you here?" "No reason." "We were just passing." "We're maniacs, right?" "Yilmaz!" "We talked yesterday, right?" "You were gonna help us." "Çeto!" "Is that you?" "Yes, it's me." "I didn't see you." "Step up front." "Out of the way." "Come in, c'mon." "Mister..." "Did you build this lair up here..." "So we'd have time to think on the way if we were getting cold feet?" "I just wasted my last breath asking that question." "I'm about to pass out." "Here goes." "Oh my God, Fikret Abi!" "Fikret?" "Fikret!" "Hey, did you pass out, Fikret?" "See that?" "If I pass out now, they'll think I'm aping him." "Too bad!" "You'd think there's no girls in the village!" "Marsiye!" "C'mon, we're going." "Marsiye?" "Mum, that's a TV soap." "Her name's Marika." "Maybe it is, but my name's Hatice." "Nothing to be done." "Tell her to come with us." "Say, "You're going with Mum and co"." "OK, Mum." "I do speak Turkish." "For goodness sake!" " Going where?" " Is Miss Mahpeyker asking?" "God, is it Mahpeyker now?" "No, I'm asking." "To drink soda!" "God!" "C'mon then, let's do it!" "Oh my, look at you and that belly!" "Over here, dear." "C'mon, dance." "OK, time to feed the girls." "Here, honey." "What, what?" "Here." "C'mon now, eat!" "Oh my God!" "So this isn't the way to eat everything." "Health is everything, dear." "That isn't tap water." "No, purified." "Made it myself." "God knows what goes in the tap water." "Gotta purify it." "God is great!" "No deliveries, huh?" "Who'd haul 5-gallon bottles up 95 steps?" "I wouldn't bring gas." "Delivery guys are human too." "If I lived here, I'd never get bread." "I'd die of hunger." "I make bread myself." "Fikret Abi, OK." "The trek here did you in." "Don't overdo it." "Yilmaz!" "Aren't businesses like this meant to be in basements?" "Son, we almost died coming up those steps." "How did you find it?" "You were ripped off, son." "Son?" "Run!" "Run for it, run!" "What's up with him?" "I'd be wrong to say." "Yilmaz, it's OK." "A glass took a tumble." " Çeto, is that you?" " Yes." "Then I'll take you all to the workshop where I do my RD." "RD?" "Faruk, talk to the girl." "She calls your mum Hatice Haným." "Only your dad calls her 'missus'." "It upsets the woman." "Please, Þengül Teyze." "She only has a few words of Turkish." "Let her say what she likes." "Is 'Abla' better?" "You have your work cut out, dear." "Once we're back in Istanbul after the wedding..." "We'll only visit once or twice a year." "Istanbul?" "Isn't the firm abroad?" "Sure it is, but we won't always be there." "It works by appointment." "When they have the staff..." "Even the water, it's like watery soda." "So like, it's 7.00 there now." "Mum, what kept you so long?" "A skirt down to my knees barely covers her bum." "So I've no idea what she got." "But I did see two G-strings." "Shame on you, Mum!" "Why?" "Does she understand for heaven's sake?" "C'mon, let's go." "You as well." "Hey!" " Isn't that Ahmet Özhan?" "Wow!" " Fikret." "The gold's here." "You'd never know it's fake." "There's double-hardened steel under the plating." "It won't break, bend or buckle." "It's a bit heavier than normal steel." "Here, feel the weight." " Yilmaz, we also need a camel." " Haunch or fillet?" "No, not to eat." "For riding." "I'll fix it." "I'll fix it, God willing." "Weren't you an only child?" "Yilmaz looks so like you." "Are you brothers?" "That's an insult!" "Brothers?" "Like my mum would give birth to anything so ugly." "If she shat, it would be prettier." "You only had to say no." "What can I do, teacher?" "There's nothing I can't do." "Oh God!" "I forged banknotes not even ATMs could pick out." "I sent the Central Bank some." "They were amazed." "I was expecting an engraved plaque." "They gave me 4 years." "If only you'd refused." "Can you do that?" "No, you can't." "Right." "I'll find that camel." "He's so like my late dad." "Did you call me 'son'?" "No." "It's as good as real." "Where's technology going?" "He said not even ATMs could tell his fake notes." "Didn't you hear?" "If only we'd shelled out a bit more..." "And not got the cheap stuff." "This isn't great, Ýsmail Abi." "Is it so obvious?" "I know lira notes to have Atatürk's face on them." "But this has a full-length portrait." "Give it here, Çeto." "It's a full-length portrait." "Not Atatürk either." "It's Kazým Karabekir." "Mental Bank of Turkey." "Ýsmail Abi, what's up?" "Something's not OK." "No." "Just an important errand to do." "I'll be back in half an hour." "I'll explain then." " Where's he going?" " How do I know?" "Weddings or funerals are no place for bad blood." "That's what I was taught." "But invites don't go to close family either." "In the old days..." "People knew if they were in favor from whether they got an invite." "If you gave anyone invites..." "They'd get upset and boycott the wedding." ""Invited to our own wedding?" They'd say, and refuse to go." "Here, brother." "It's your invite." "I'm your junior." "I've come to you out of respect." "I got beyond who's right and wrong." "Brother, you're the only elder in my boy's family." "Read him a verse of the Koran." "Put a ring on his finger." "Then let's dance like real men." "For everyone to see." "." "Preparations can start!" "There you go!" "THE BRIDE'S SIDE LATVIA" "I called so many times, baby." "Why don't you answer?" "I didn't hear, honey." "It's kind of noisy here." "The reception sucks anyway." "Where exactly are you, baby?" "I'm curious." "In a village near Sivas." "The wedding's tonight." "In a field." "The name of Tank's village?" "It's called Esenyurt." "Did Marika's family find out?" "Are they mad?" "Well." "I guess they're a bit upset." "We only escaped thanks to you, babe." "Rubbish." "Nothing would've stopped you." "I didn't do anything." "No way, honey." "You even paid for our flights." "You took Marika's brothers out that night." "You did everything, my hero." "No, stop." "You're playing with the truth." "Honey, I'm hanging up." "We forgot the chargers." "We could get cut off any second." "How could you forget the chargers?" "You had it coming, Viktors." "If we get there before the marriage vows we can rescue the girl and return her to her fiancé." "And we'll spare your life for helping us." "If we don't get there in time, her fiancé will kill you." "Go, get there before the wedding." "What are you waiting for?" "C'mon, run." "Get to the village before them." "If those boys crash the wedding, there'll be carnage." "Better just you die than a mass of people." "I'll slowly get going then." "Switch them on!" "Oh my God!" "We're talking dynamite." "Hey, the camel's here!" "The camel's here." " Tarik, Tarik!" " Yes, Dad?" "Get up, son." "The camel's here." "Look, the camel's here." "Where did they find it?" "My God." "Atta boy!" "Good work!" "Just look at that, look at you." "Magnificent!" "Bravo, my boy." "What a beauty of a camel." " Abi, what is this?" " A camel?" "Is this a joke, Çetin Abi?" "I said the same myself, but your dad insists it's a tradition." "The bride will climb on that camel and ride from the house to the wedding." "It's a tradition with us." "A tradition with you?" "Who are you?" "I never heard of it." "I didn't ride a camel as a bride." "Missus, you were rounder then." "We felt sorry for the camel." "Ýsmail, the girl can't ride a camel." "She's educated." "How'd she know about your traditions?" "Hear that?" "I said "your" traditions." "We have nothing like that." "Ýsmail Abi!" "Ýsmail Abi." "Wait for this!" "What's up, teacher?" "Did you mess up again?" "No, nothing's wrong." "Was that a camel?" "God, it is." "Çeto, what's this?" "A camel." "Are you taking the piss?" "Dick!" "God!" "Ýsmail Abi said get it, so I got it." "Why's everyone laying into me?" "Quiet boy, quiet girl." "My man's just invented a new tradition." "The bride rides a camel to the wedding!" "Weren't you welcoming guests?" "OK, remember the lights we put up?" "What, the big colored things?" "The big colored ones." "(Meaningless gabble)" "If you don't know camel language, don't confuse the beast." "Abi, the lights blew the fuses." "Tarik knows about electrics, right?" "Tarik." "C'mon, please, son." "Go take a look at them." "But be careful." "Don't get that suit dirty." "Hey, Çeto!" "Bring the camel over." "Still on his camel trip." "God help us!" "Broke and going to the wedding by camel!" "And so we did." "We went on ahead." "I fixed the fuses and put them back." "Twice I nearly died." "We felt sure the disasters were now over." "But turns out that was hasty." "Where did you get this camel?" "Look at that smile." "I know you." "C'mon, I won't tell." "Who did you nick it from?" "I didn't, I borrowed it." "Ýsmail Abi didn't pay a cent either." "He said it was tradition, he wanted a camel, so I got one." " I shouldn't have?" " Get out of here!" "It's not like taking a bike for a spin." "Borrow a camel?" "My ass!" " Çeto, what's on the camel's butt?" " Oh God!" "How do I know, Fikret Abi?" "Why keep asking me about the camel?" "Looks like a tick, Çeto." "If it's a tick, get behind the beast, grab the thing and pull it off!" "Boy!" " Çeto, what did you do?" " Çeto!" " Çeto, do something!" " Çeto!" "Get off my back!" "Don't give me grief!" "He brought the camel." "Why are you blaming me?" "Do I run a camel farm?" "Boys." "You know what?" "The bride's snatched the camel!" "Run!" "Run!" " Hey!" " Run!" "Çeto, I'm off to the wedding then." "You do the chasing." "Thanks." "No panic." "We'll have a great time." "We'll have a great time." "Let me kiss you." "We'll have a great time." "We'll have a great time." "No panic." "No panic." "No panic." "We'll have a great time." "What's this?" "A picnic spot or what?" "Ýsmail Abi!" "Hey..." "God, the camel!" "No panic." "No panic!" "Shh!" "What?" "Down below?" "I'm on my way." " Nazmi Amca?" "What's up?" " Nature called." " How do you mean?" " What are you doing there?" "I'm umm, reversing." "To do a running jump down below." " Why?" " Nazmi Amca." " There's this camel." " Camel?" "You don't get camels here!" "Don't tease." "I'm talking one hell of a camel." "Hey." "Hey!" "Hey!" "Çeto!" "Wait!" "The girl fell off." "Forget the camel." "Don't make me crazy!" "It's been "the camel" all day." "I'm brain dead." "I fell all that way." "You know why?" "Because of that damn beast." "Watch your mouth!" "Camels are sacred." "Animals aren't divided into sacred or unclean." "Animals are animals." "They're all sacred." "Stop!" "The girl isn't moving." " Are you serious?" " What did you do?" "Did you kill her?" "Sure." "I killed her." "That's my fault too." "Think Hurricane Sandy in the US." "Çetin Yakut is the Sivas equivalent." "Half an hour we chased them." "Her belly's moving." "She's alive." "Seriously?" "She's alive." "You did it again, Çeto." "You did it again." "For the time being." "Çetin, Çetin!" "It's Nazmi Amca, relax." "Is that a woman there?" "You said there was a camel." "Nazmi Amca, I'll explain later." "Yilmaz, you got us into this camel thing, so you..." "I'm vibrating." "It's Tarik." "They're high and dry there." " What do I tell him?" " Don't answer." " So I hit 'no'?" " Let's think on the way." "Let's think." " Saffet." " Huh?" " No sign of anyone, huh?" " No, Abi." "It's crazy, a camel snatching the bride." " Ah, they're here." " Hah." "My God!" "What's taking them so long?" "They're on their way." "It's a camel, it's slow." "A horse would be faster." "But everyone's waiting out there." "And what's this?" "Another of Dad's traditions?" "Why are we holding hands?" "That's a real tradition." "A best man sticks by the groom or he's kidnapped." " Who?" " The groom." "So I got the beefiest boy in town with the cutest smile as your guard." "He has Kangal blood, he breaks backs was top in the '99 college exams." "But he's retarded." "He marked the desk instead of the answer sheet." "No, look." "That's too cozy." "Hold his wrist." "Toraman." "Hold him like this." "Why in hell would anyone kidnap me?" "Get the f*ck off me!" " Why are you so keen?" " Don't." "You upset the kid." " Toraman." " Look, Kinyas." " Kin..." "You upset him." "Kinyas." " Toraman!" "Hey, it's OK." "Should we have said?" "I mean, she's his wife." "She isn't." "There's still the wedding night." "They'll find the bride." "We have to do the wedding." "We need jewelry." "Or how will your loan get paid?" "My loan, huh?" "It was our loan in the bank." "Now it's mine, is it?" "Exactly." "The door's out front." "What's with the window?" "Look what's here." "Pull it open." "Stand back." "Hand her over." " Hand her over." " Careful." "Oh God!" "Is she dead?" "We're f*cked, I swear we are!" "Teacher!" "Shame on you!" "An educated guy like you cursing?" "C'mon, be a man!" "Cool it." "She's passed out, not dead." "How long for?" "She just came round, saw two guys carrying her and passed out again." "This kind are frail, not like village gals." "The camel got cranky and threw the girl off." "Hah." " So camels aren't used to Slavs." " And Slavs to camels." "And she banged her head falling." "Like so." " So forget cause and effect." " Hey, OK." "C'mon, come in." "In the name of God." "Çetin!" "Where's the camel?" "For the love of God!" "What in hell do we do now?" "They're waiting for the bride." "We discussed that on the way." "Huh, Yilmaz?" "He did, not me." "Thanks, Yilmaz." "I say we stick the dress on the bridesmaid." "There's the veil, gloves too." "Right, Yilmaz?" "Novel idea." "Never heard it before." "Thanks, Yilmaz." "What do you say?" "I cornered the bridesmaid one day to try my luck." "But she has no Turkish either." "How do you explain?" "That's for her escort to the bridal bed." "Tank." "So that's OK." "Who's gonna tell Tarik?" "We just spent all day chasing the camel's ass." "Didn't you tell the groom yet?" "Huh?" "No!" "What were we supposed to say?" ""Sorry, the camel snatched the bride." "These things happen. "" ""Camels run, they get tired, etc. " Man, you have weird traditions!" "What is it with camels?" "Never heard of f*cking wedding cars?" "See?" "He's a natural." "You can't get it out." "It sounds bad." "Forget telling Tarik now." "Look, Ýsmail's flying." "How can I say the wedding's off?" "How can I wreck it for him?" "Aah!" "That was the devil's work." "Nice." "I'm only putting up with this crap for Ýsmail Abi, I swear." "He's so like my late dad." "A carbon copy." "Hey, OK." "I'll wear the dress." "Put it on me." "Don't make me crazy, please." "You want to breathe your last dancing in Tank's arms?" "Yes." "Plus that dress is tight." "It's for someone thin, not you or me." "Uh-uh." "Forget Ýsmail Abi, if my own dad rose from the dead..." "And refused me his blessing, he still couldn't me in that dress." "I wasn't in a suit at my own wedding so you think I'd wear a bride's dress?" "I'm gonna talk big." "Impale me with the biggest stick..." "And I still wouldn't wear it!" "Never!" "Never!" " I would, but I have a beard." " I won't." "I would, but I can't dance." " I'll wear it." " If I didn't have a beard..." " I won't wear it!" " I'll dance once, it's OK." "I'll wear it!" "Hands higher!" "Who said that?" "Who said that?" "Under watch even at your own wedding." " Is it finished?" " Yes, teacher." "But so am I." "Didn't peek at her, did you?" "Mum changed her clothes." "I just helped." "Happy now?" "Ýshak Amca!" "It's Ýsmail Abi's brother." "Did he ask him?" "Oh my goodness!" "Ýsmail, your brother's here." " Abi, welcome." " Thanks." " Marvelous!" " Welcome, brother." " Welcome, Abla." " Thank you." "Marvelous." "What a good match." "May God keep them together." "My uncle and his wife are here." "They haven't spoken in ages." "Honey?" "You're all tense." "Is it nerves?" "What's he saying?" "Great dancing from Yilmaz there." "Just like a dame!" "He's a real scam." "OK, dance over." "I'll nip out and check around." "The cake, drinks and stuff." "Right?" "They're so important." "Go check them out." "Move!" "Something's up with you today." "But wait, honey." "Let's get the wedding over and I'll melt away that stress." "Fuck you!" "Fuck off!" "What's going on, son?" "Someone taught her to swear." "Dammit, she probably thinks she was saying something cute." "For God's sake." "Taxi!" "Let's go." "C'mon, make it snappy." "Okey turist, good." "Good." "Let's go." "Let's go." "Hold it." "We're going to HQ." "Hold it." "Why HQ, huh?" "I tell you I saw a camel, you tell me HQ." "It came out of nowhere." "I swerved and crashed." " Ýshak Amca, selam aleykum." " Aleykum selam." "OK, eat up." "Like the cake?" "Is it good?" "Yes." "But maybe a bit too much cream." "No, c'mon." "It's just right." "I made it with my own hands." "Have some lemonade." "Good for you." "Weren't you reformed, Çetin?" "I never see you at the mosque." "I don't go in the village." "I fell out with the imam." "We aren't on good terms." "I'll help patch things up." "I'm not at war, just making a stand." "He's slow at prayers." "The main mosque laps us at Ramadan prayers." "It got to me." "I cornered him in the courtyard." "I said, OK, read the Falaq and Naas." "Read the Ikhlas." "But you always go for the Shams and Ibrahim suras." "It's not on, I said." "Ýshak Amca?" "Ýshak Amca?" "Amca?" "Oh no!" "In the name of God." "Ýshak Amca." "Amca?" "Let's check your pulse." "No pulse." "Ýshak Amca." "Amca, have some lemonade." "Hey, hey." "Abad dance, no." "A lot of vodka, yes." "Amca drinks like a fish." "Don't mind him." "Ýshak Amca." "What are you staring at?" "May God forgive him." "His time was up." "That was it." "Is this a joke, asshole?" "You danced with him for hours." "How's he dead?" "He was dead before dancing." "He died eating cake." "Dragging him through the crowd would turn heads, I figured." "So I got him dancing." "Was that so bad?" "Great idea." "How could you, teacher?" "We have dead in here." "Maybe the living are afraid." "I'm human too, I'm scared." "Amca!" "Çetin, what do we do now?" " Fikret Abi, I say I should go." " Go where?" "To Tokat." "I have family there." "I'll get into livestock." "It's my destiny." "And we obviously won't get the jewelry." "Oh, and we have a corpse." "You won't catch me if I beat it out of here." "Let me give you this for the journey, wait." "Thanks, Abi." " Abi?" " Drop the f*cking Abi." "A single bullet." "I'll shoot." "Bang!" "And under clause 2, paragraph 3, article 86 of the Turkish Penal Code..." "I'll spend 6 months in jail." "Only that's a lie." "Why?" "Because." "46 C." "I've more power than the FBI." "I'd shoot you without blinking, walk away and not even look back." "You're in front of me, see?" "Rear sight, eye, front sight." "So what do we do?" "Selam aley..." "Marika, Viktors is here." "It's a complete surprise." "Welcome, honey." "Do you have the charger?" "It's still the charger?" "!" "Here, go charge." "Baby, we're over." "Screw the charger, they could show up any time." "Who?" "The groom." "I mean the real groom and Marika's brothers." "There's nothing else for it." "We have to kidnap the bride." "Viktors!" "How can I repay you?" "You couldn't stay away, huh?" "What a great guy!" "Brother!" "My brother!" "You're the best!" "What are you doing?" "Behave!" "What will they think of you?" "For heaven's sake!" "Oh my!" "Did we call the gendarmes?" "I should've run for it." "You think they realized?" "Do they know Ýshak Amca's dead?" " Welcome." " Thanks." " Welcome." " Are you the wedding hosts?" "Yes, that's us." "There's a problem." "What's that?" "The gendarmes mustn't come in here." "If they do, they mustn't see." "If they see, I'll shoot the lot." " I'll walk away and not..." " Abi, please." " Rear sight, eye..." " No glasses." "I dropped my glasses." "I'll show you glasses." "Move!" "Go!" "The kids nabbed the money off the floor and went spending." "Why would we have fake money, commander?" "We need to search the guests." "You can't!" "Tongues will wag." "How do we explain?" "They'll say we called you in to search everyone for wedding loot." "You found it on the dance floor." "The money is Çeto's." "C'mon!" "Yes, it's mine." "Search me." "Let's go, commander." "Can't run from justice." " What are you doing?" " Helping justice, Fikret Abi." "Which means?" "I'll do my punishment." "So the wedding won't break up." "Fikret Abi, the wedding's over to you." "Have a great time." "Look at Çetin." "Talk about selfless." "Asshole, run off and dump me with the crap." "You owe me." "Where's the registrar?" "Let's get this thing over." "How did the guy die?" "That's the main thing." "Çeto said he had cake." "What if he got poisoned by the cake?" "What if all the guests die?" " Should we cancel the thing?" " It's almost over, Fikret Abi." "It may be a sign from above." "For God's sake, when did you ever care about signs from above?" " I'm screwed and you just dump me!" " But look at us!" "If my parents hear about the loan, they'll disown me." "This wedding has to go on for me, for Saffet, the village teacher!" "Hey, OK." "Relax." "The wedding goes on." "Don't get upset." "C'mon." "Follow me." "Saffet, follow me." "Tell Tank some fib." "We're going." "What's up, honey?" "Tarik, we're just off to the bathroom." "We'll be right back." "Sure, go ahead." "But don't be long, honey." "The registrar will be here any minute." " What's going on?" " LADIES" "Your guy's here, in Sivas." "Don't you hear me?" "Say something!" "They'll kill you!" "Tank too, if you tell him." " What's happening to me?" " Let's escape through there, c'mon." "If they don't find us, no one will get hurt." " Selam aleykum." " Aleykum selam, son." " How's the cake?" " A bit too much cream perhaps." " Praise the Lord!" "How are you, son?" " Fine, thanks." "I'm well." "Have you seen Ýshak, son?" "Ýshak Amca?" "Yes." "Yes." "Yes, I did." "Just now, dancing." "He seemed a bit dazed." "Huh, Teyze?" " I wonder if something's wrong?" " No, what could be wrong?" "I don't know." "He seemed a bit pale." "He had no color." "It's the light, dear." "His cholesterol's OK, no diabetes." " His heart?" " What's the matter?" "Did he have heart problems?" "Not even tooth decay." "I have a bad heart, blood sugar, blood pressure problems, everything." "But Ýshak is fit as a fiddle." "He eats so much though." "Eating a lot is OK." "Did he have silent heart disease?" "The kind that..." "I can't keep quiet any longer." "Be strong." "We've lost Ýshak Amca." "He just dropped dead." "We carried him inside to avoid a fuss." "Well, no use crying over spilled milk." "Be strong, Teyze." "We're all upset." "I cried." "Everyone had tears in their eyes." "Then the jewelry scam to land 20,000 lira..." "Teyze!" "Lord, are You putting us to the test?" "F*ck this, enough!" "OK, you're one of us." "On the way with the camel..." "Saffet!" " Did you rat on us?" " What do you mean?" "I told Þengül Teyze everything." "She knew most of it anyway." "Was it so bad?" "So what's she doing here?" "I was explaining things and it just happened." "She passed away." "Passed away?" "She's dead?" "So how did she die?" "Well, last thing she did was eat cake." "Çetin messed up the cake." "Where's Çetin?" "Çetin!" " He's at the police station." " Doing what?" "Umm, well..." "He was kind of arrested." "Çetin!" "The bridesmaid!" "Hand her over." "Hold tight." "What happened?" "Search me." "She talks weird." "She kept babbling." "First I was quiet." "She led me to the forest." "I showed my face and knocked her out." "Her head's bleeding." "Þengül Teyze!" "Why are you here?" " She knows." " I'll tell then." "I had a hard time knocking her out." "Blood's normal." "I hit her more than once." "Oh God!" "Oh my God!" "There's blood on my dress!" "My adorable dress!" "What do we do, Þengül Teyze?" "Good heavens, is it the color or what?" "You threw toy money at kids to look rich?" "It's from being poor, commander." "I messed up so forgive me." "I did my army service as a gendarme." " You have a tough job." " Where were you for army service?" "Here, in Sivas." "I've been here 10 years and never seen you." "Which intake?" "Intake?" "Commander, I have to answer this." "Sorry, it may be important." "You know the story." "Hello?" " Çetin, where are you?" " At the gendarmerie, Mum." "You know." "Drop dead!" "Oh my God." "OK, Mum, but I'm in a fix right now." "Come back." "Make an excuse." " Ishak's wife is dead too." " My God!" "What happened?" "Yilmaz beat up the bride's friend." "The girl's face is a mess." "The bridesmaid?" "They tried suede, umm, you know." "To knock her out!" "Why would I beat her up?" "C'mon, come back fast." "Oh, woe is me!" "Where were we?" "Commander, I just lied to you." "I didn't do army service." "I said I did it here to get sympathy." "I'm a draft dodger." "But I dodged flawlessly for21 years." "So today's the day." "Recruit me." "What do you say?" "Let me be of use to the nation." "Why was the commander so mad?" "All I did was confess." "And take the piss?" "Shame on you at your age!" "For heaven's sake." "Where did I put it?" "I wanted to ask you, youngst..." "We messed up." "Here, fire away." "I was about to ask for a light." "So smoking does shorten your life." "Explain, Fikret." "The girl fell off the camel." "The dress only fitted Yilmaz." "Go on." "When Ýshak Amca dropped dead..." "You told his wife and she died." "Saffet told her for sure." "Anyway you can't bring back the dead." "Go on." "This girl?" "She found out who I was so I hamstringed her." "Are you Spider Man?" "Nut!" "What's with the hands?" "I saw, heard and know nothing." "All I have is one son." "It's his wedding." "I want no scenes." "Fix this." "I'm going to put on more lipstick." "Now fix this." "For heaven's sake!" "Sharp lady." "Learned to read in 4 days." "She's sharp." "Where were you, honey?" "The registrar's almost here." "Marika, where's your man?" "Tank, is she upset with me?" "Why won't she talk to me?" "Tarik, run!" "What's going on?" "Selam aleyküm." "Hands off!" "Fikret." "Who are you bashing, f*cking paleface?" "Fikret." "Saffet." "Boy, does he bash!" "Run!" "Asshole Saffet." "F*ck it!" "What is this?" "What's the scam?" "God, that's ugly." " What's going on?" " Who are those guys?" "Yilmaz Abi, how come you're in the bride's dress?" " You answer." "Mine's a long story." " Mine's longer." "The camel snatched the bride." "She fell off and passed out." "So I wore the dress." "And we lost your aunt and uncle." "My condolences." "The camel snatched the bride?" "Your uncle's dead and you wait for the bride!" "Why are the guys chasing us?" "What do they want?" "To kill us." "They'll pump bullets like perfume spray." "Why didn't you say so from the start?" "Run, man!" "Run!" "Ah, Marika!" "Þengül Teyze, I put Ýsmail Abi and Fikret Abi in there." "I told people drunk relatives had kidnapped the groom, it's tradition." "Otherwise they'd panic." "God, in the name of God!" "Fikret Abi!" "Oh God, what did I do?" "Forgive me, God!" "Forgive me, God." "Fikret Abi." "Ýsmail Abi." "Oh my God, Ýsmail Abi!" "Ýsmail Abi!" "Abi, what did we do?" "Abi, what's happening?" "Here, one last kiss." " Çetin Abi?" " Oh my God!" " When did you get here?" " Just now." "How did they die?" "Those girls came here from Latvia to die?" " It was the cake, wasn't it?" " They aren't dead, just passed out." " The bridesmaid?" " Passed out too." "Ýshak Amca and his wife?" "They're dead." "Are you stoned?" "You hauled him here alone." "Who beat them up?" "We're finished, Tank." "I never thought of my dress as a burial shroud." "Abi, what do we do?" "I hear noises." "They're coming." "We have to run, Tank." "Run!" "Wait." "Hold it." "Where's a rock?" "I set up a decoy." "C'mon, up the tree." " They're coming, Tank." "Quick." " I'll hold the train then." "No need." "If only I'd gone up first." "Oof!" "That was him jumping!" "Man, who are these guys?" "You know, if you'd been friends it would've been handy." "Abi, don't look, but they're looking at us." " What did he say?" " Come down." "What did you say?" "I said..." "What's going on?" "It's the devil!" "Yilmaz Abi, I said, "Come get us yourself if you can"." "I see." "No need." "Hey!" "So you decide!" "40 mules, 40 cleavers or 40 cm of shlong?" "They don't know Turkish." "You translate." "No wait, I'll translate them to hell!" "Am I early?" "Where is everyone?" "Come here." "C'mon, come here!" "It's all your fault!" "Asshole!" "If you'd come 1 hour earlier." "You know how many people are dead?" " A camel ran out in front of me." " So?" " I swerved and crashed into a tree." " Fucker!" "Come here." "You're fucked." "You too!" "And you!" "And you!" "And you!" "All except you, blondie." "Now you..." "OK, let go." "Let go." "Take a look and sign." "It was my first time back in years." "And only for you." "It's not the place you miss but the people in it." "Fikret Abi gets fired up faster than you ever saw." "We went on ahead." "I fixed the fuses and put them back." "You almost did it, kiddo." "Bad luck, that's all." " Çetin Abi, please." "Not now." " You're right." "He shoots and it's a goal!" "Çeto, please." "It's not the time or place." "You're right." "He had a dickey heart, kept it quiet." "A silent heart thing." "And his wife, she was sick from head to toe." "They both passed on together." "Nurten had twins last night." "She's called one Ýshak, the other Hamiyet." "True, they're girls, so one gets a raw deal." "But that's life." "I'm not laughing!" "No, no." "So you snatched the girl, huh?" "Let's say we ran away." "It was her fiancé who beat your poor dad, huh?" "Yes, Abi." "So the girl having no family etc was..." " Lies too, Abi." " Right?" "Tarik, did you really finish college?" " Yes, Dad." " Phew." "But I didn't do a master's." "I lied when college dragged on for2 years." "Good for you." "Pity my glasses, not him." "They were my only reminder of Dad." "Please say something before I lunge at him." "Tank." "Come outside with me." "We don't want a scene during prayers." " Did you trip him, Fikret Abi?" " Yes." "Now look, Tank." "A real father has his son circumcised, sends him to school and the army..." "Then does his wedding." "That's our way." "I won't have this village accuse me of not giving my son a wedding!" "Home's become a house of mourning." "We can't do jollity for a while." "It would be wrong." "Now here." "The keys to the car." "What car?" "Yilmaz's." "I offered him a spare but he said he'd get it working." "He's a professional." "And a man of his word." "He's so like my late dad." "Hey, don't translate that!" "Here." "These are your plane tickets." "And this is what's left of the money." "Spend it on the wedding, OK?" "But don't put in any money of your own." "Only spend that much on the wedding." "Wait a second, Dad." "I'm lost." "Markus and co?" "You know Çetin Abi." "He's a bit slow." "When there's a fight he's an Ottoman routing the infidel." "So when he found out they were real infidels, he showed off." "The doctor said he'd pounded them like animals." "Markus and co will be on baby food fora while." "They can't chew." "They still have all their teeth, but the mechanism is kaput." "Dad, you are a true man." "Come here." " Thanks a lot." " Take care." "Don't worry about the others." "I'll fudge something..." "And find a way to explain." "Don't you worry." "Now off you go." "C'mon, out." "You aren't needed now." "Out, c'mon." "I'll translate." "OK, see you!" "3 YEARS LATER ISTANBUL" "Emel!" "Emel!" "Emel!" "Emel." " Sayýn." " Haným." " Emel Sayýn Haným!" " Saffet?" "Emel Abla." "Saffet, I don't believe it!" "Dearest!" "Where have you been?" "You never call to ask how I am." "I called a ton of times." "Aren't you family?" "I was gonna ask if you'd come for Ýsmail Abi's wedding in Sivas." "Of course I'd have come, Saffet." "It's OK, Emel Haným." "Don't worry." "The couple married in Latvia." "They work in Istanbul now." "And they had a son." "I'm Fikret." "Saffet is like a son and Sivas my sun." " Thanks, Fikret." " Emel Haným, let me take those hands." "Forgive my friends for being weird." "It's the first time they saw a star." "Ýsmail Abi says it's a tradition." "With us it's granddads who handle circumcision dos." "That's how we were taught." "So our youngster has his circumcision." "You'll come sing a song, won't you?" "And that way you'll make up with Saffet." "Of course I'll come." "I'll be there." "So when is it?" "When, Abi?" "Soon."