"I think it's his relaxed attitude on stage." "He seems very laid—back." "It just seems to flow really naturally." "And it's almost like he's just telling a story with the audience, rather than performing." "He picks on a lot of people in the front row and makes out, you know, he's sort of friends with them that goes way back." "He's just so funny." "He manages to sort of capture real life and just put a really funny spin on it." "Most comedians are funny, but not that great to look at, whereas Tom's both." "Oh, he's sexy!" "(LAUGHS)" "My missus chose to go to West Side Story, so me and her are done." "And I came to see Tom." "All right!" "Good evening." "Please welcome to the stage" "Mr Tom Stadel" "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "(LAUGHS)" "Holy fuck!" "I think that's the most arrogant way I've ever come out on stage in my fuckin' life." "Oh, God, that's the onlyjob you can do that to, too." "You can't do that at your job." "You can't sit there and go, "All right!" "Let's do some accountsl"" ""We love you, Barry!"" "Awesome!" "It's wicked." "Let's see what we've got here, man." "Holy fuck!" "is that what I think it might be, man?" "Are you two a couple?" "— Yeah." "— Yeah?" "You'd better be." "What's your name, man?" "— Andrew." "— Right on, Andrew." "Are you the fuckin' reason that that thing is inside of her, Andrew?" "Yes." "Didn't pull out in time, Andrew?" "Just dropped it in the fuckin' bucket, did you, Andrew?" ""Fuck this shit." "We're gonna have a baby!"" "Right on, Andrew." "How long have you been with her for, Andrew?" "About 20 years." "20 fuckin' years?" "Is this yourfirst child?" "— Second." "— Second?" "Right on!" "Fuckin' beautiful." "What's your name, darling?" "— Marguerite." "— Marguerite?" "Fuckin' decent, Marguerite." "20 years, man." "That's great, Andrew." "She's a good—looking girl." "I can understand why you dropped it in there." "How old's your other kid?" "One and a half." "Oh, fuck, you're just getting started after 20 fuckin' years, are you?" "Wow, you're a quick mover, Andrew." ""I still got a little bit of fun in me left."" "That's great." "I'm glad you came down, Andrew." "I know how you're feeling, man." "I've been with my gal for fuckin' 17 years now." "17 years, Andrew, and I find" "I'm getting stupider and stupider as I go along, Andrew." "Do you find you're getting dumber after 20 fuckin' years with the same person?" "Yeah." "Me too." "Fuck that." "I used to know shit, Andrew." "I used to be hip." "I used to know all the new rock'n'roll bands, Andrew." "I don't know 'em any more." "Do you wanna know why?" "Cos nobody sings songs for married fuckin' people, Andrew." "Nobody rocks out to marriage." "Nobody sings songs about endless love that never fuckin' ends." "Sometimes you get bored of love." "What's at the end of love, Andrew?" "Hate." "Remember that." "I used to know shit, man." "All the songs nowadays is shit like... ♪ I met you today and I wanna fuck your right now!" "♪" "(LAUGHS) Does that speak to you, Andrew?" "It does, does it?" "Well, your marriage is in a lot oftrouble, Andrew." ""Yeah, Tom, I wanna fuck everybody." ""I wanna have lots of babies with different flowers."" "Yeah..." "Nobody sings songs for us, Andrew." "Nobody sings songs for us." "Nobody sings songs like... ♪ We've been together for 17 years and we've got our health!" "♪" "(APPLAUSE)" "(LAUGHS) No way, man." "How about this one?" "♪ I can't afford to leave you now. ♪" "♪ Compromise killed my dreams. ♪" "Come on, sing it with me!" "(LAUGHS)" "That's a tough one for some people to laugh at." "A lot of people right now are looking at me, going," ""That's a little close to the bone, Tom." ""I came here to laugh, Tom." ""Paid a lot of money to laugh, Tom." ""Didn't come here to contemplate."" "(LAUGHS) I know, Andrew." "I know there's a woman in this room looking at her man right now, going..." ""You don't feel that way about me, do you?" ""I didn't compromise your dreams." ""Did I?"" "Of course they did, eh, Andrew?" "Of course they compromised your dreams." "Right, Andrew?" "Fuck, as soon as you're with them, you've got to live their dreams, Andrew." "Where the fuck are your dreams, Andrew?" "On the floor, Andrew." "That's where your fuckin' dreams are." ""Oh, is this your dream here, Andrew?" ""Eurgh." ""Eurgh, I've got dream all over my shoe."" "(APPLAUSE)" ""Anybody smell dream?" ""Eurghj" ""Don't drag that fuckin' dream in the house, Andrew." ""I just did the carpets, Andrew."" "That's awesome, man." "20 years, eh?" "Two kids." "That's pretty good." "One on the way, I got you." "Fuck, I'm not stupid." "I know..." "I know how it's done, Andrew." "You know what it is, Andrew?" "I think kids keep people together." "Do you know what I mean?" "Kids keep people together." "Kids keep people together that sometimes shouldn't be together." "And don't think I haven't had that conversation with my children." "Don't think I haven't sat them down and went," ""Maris, Billy Ray..."" "(LAUGHS)" ""Maris, Billy Ray, I love you children both deeply." ""In fact, you two children have taught me what love is." ""I would do anything for you two." ""I would jump in front of a train to save your life" ""if you were stupid enough to play on the fuckin' train tracks." ""And I'm a little worried about you, Billy Ray." ""I would kill Andrew for his last morsel of food to feed you two kids." ""But I will not live with this bitch for one more minute."" "(APPLAUSE)" ""OK." "So I'll see you guys on Saturday and Sunday, then?" ""Remember this face." "Remember this face."" "Kids, man." "Things change, eh?" "Things change." "If you ever wanna know how dumb you are, have a fuckin' kid." "Have one." "Do what Andrew did, have a kid." "Because my kid is always asking me questions that I don't fuckin' know." "My kids are always coming up to me, going," ""Hey, Dad." "Why is the sky blue?"" "And I'm like, "Why don't you go to school and learn something, fuckface, huh?" ""Why are you embarrassing me in front of all my friends?" ""How the fuck did you get into this strip club, anyway?"" "(LAUGHS)" "(LAUGHS) "Why don't you ask me questions I know?" ""Like why is your mum crying in the bathroom?" ""Because women are emotional and they can't handle criticism, son."" "(LAUGHS)" "A lot of women don't like that joke." "(SNIGGERS)" "Wanna know why?" "Cos you're emotional and you can't handle criticism." "(APPLAUSE)" "A buddy told me that having kids was gonna change my whole life." "Did it change your whole life, Andrew?" "Changes your whole life." "Your sex life changes, Andrew." "Cos you can't fuck any more, can't fuck in front of kids... unless you're trying to get them to bed early." ""Yeah, you can stay up till ten" ""if you wanna hear Mommy slurping on Daddy's dick all night."" ""That's right, son." "That's right." "You betcha." ""Why don't you header on up to bed?" "I'll tuck you in."" "I was... (LAUGHS) That's working." "You... (LAUGHS)" "The only time I get to fuck sometimes, Andrew, is during nap time." "You ever fuck Marguerite during nap time, Andrew?" "Course you do." "You got a one—and—a half—year—old." "Fuckin'...fuckin' during nap time." "If you've ever fucked your gal during nap time, eh, Andrew, it's fuckin' creepy." "It...it is the creepiest thing you're ever gonna do, cos it always feels like you're raping her, for fuck's sakes." "You know, it's like, "Shh!"" "(LAUGHTER)" "(LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH)" "Shh!" "(WHISPERS) Shut up." "(WHISPERS) Shut the fuck up!" "(SNORING)" "If he wakes..." "(WHISPERS) ..." "I'll kill you." "(LAUGHTER)" "Remember that face, Andrew, huh?" "Good face." "Oh, that's awesome." "But I'm glad you're here tonight, Andrew, I'm glad you two..." "Are you married or are you not married?" "Are you married?" "You're married." "Yeah." "Yeah, fuck..." "Well, of course, man, married." "I'm proud of you, proud of you, because you're here tonight." "You're here tonight." "You're on a married date, man." "You are on a married date." "You've got kids, what, with Grandpa or... some guy that's gonna shake them or something, huh?" ""..." "This kid go to bed!" ""Tell me when they're here."" "He's..." ""I've got to go now!"" "You're on a married date, Andrew." "And I love married dates, I love 'em." "They're way better than first dates." "First dates you've got to say nice shit to 'em." "You gotta say shit like," ""Yeah, those earrings go really good with your fucked—up hair." ""Oh, I mean that, man." "I mean that." "You're gorgeous."" "Fuck, married dates, you get to say stuff like," ""I'm gonna go take a shit, you order something cheap."" "It's awesome." "I'm proud of you, man." "Do you love her, Andrew?" "— I do." "— You do." "Good for you." "You gotta respect her, huh?" "You gotta respect her." "Do you wanna know why, Andrew?" "Cos she's been sucking your dick for 20...years in a row." "She's had to suck that thing for 20 fuckin' years, Andrew." "Marguerite, you're a dick warrior, is what you are." "You're a fuckin' dick warrior." "You should be proud ofthat." "Proud." "Fuckin' 20 years." "My...my gal's been sucking it for 17." "You know, for fuck's sake, she deserves a medal." "I mean, do you think she gets excited about it any more, Andrew?" "Do you think she does?" "Do you think she sucks it the same as the first time 17 years later?" "No, fuck..." "Do you think she's, like, fuckin' whippin' open my pants and going, "Oh, awesome." ""It's the same!"" "Just... (LAUGHS) ...and the only reason she sucks it sometimes," "I know, is only to keep the family together, man, you know." "Cos she doesn't really suck it, she doesn't put a lot ofthe effort into it any more, like, I mean, this is how she sucks it now, right?" ""Wrrlll—wrrrll!"" ""Oh, my God, I'm gonna come."" ""OK, put it on the towel!"" ""Fuckin' hell, I almost missed it, man." ""I almost..." ""put a bunch ofjizz on my dream over there." ""That's it." "That's nice, that's nice." ""OK, let's throw that in the wash." ""Let's do that again."" "(LAUGHS)" "Oh, yeah, man." "Fuck... ." "Cos we don't really have the good times any more, you know, we don't have that shit." "Like, do you have good times any more, Andrew?" "Do you have fuckin'...?" "Really?" "OK, well, what's the last good time you had, Andrew?" "I was on a stag do last Saturday." "You were on a stag do last night?" "Fuckin' excellent, Andrew, excellent." "Watchin' somebody else fuck up is always funny, isn't it, huh?" "Yeah!" "See, I don't have the good times any more." "I'm with you, man, I know..." "You know what I mean?" "I mean, look at this guy here, this young guy right here." "I mean, you have good times, right?" "Fuckin' awesome times, you got no responsibi..." "You don't got a baby coming." "If I say..." "What's your name?" "— Tom." "— Tom..." "To...!" "Good name, Tom." "I'm not gonna forget that one unless I'm really high." "Tom, if I said, "Hey, Tom, you wanna go scuba diving?"" "You'd go, "Fuck, yeah, let's go scuba diving." ""Fuck, it's Tuesday." ""Scuba—diving Tuesday." ""That's what we always do on Tuesday, Tom, get out the gear" ""and fuckin' go diving."" "If I said, "Hey, Andrew, you wanna go scuba diving?" Fuck, you can't go." ""Fuck, Tom." You're gonna go, "No, Tom, I've got to fuckin' clean" ""the house one more time." ""Just make sure all the shoes are under the radiator properly." ""All in a row."" "You know what I mean?" "Like..." "like, you probably..." "What, you got a dog, Andrew?" "You got a dog or something?" "No, no fuckin' dog." "I've got a dog, Andrew, that's what I do." "You know, fuckin' no more scuba diving." "I take dogs for a walk, you know." "Maybe she'll wanna come with me and fuck up the walk or something." "You know what I mean?" "Cos then you got to say something and you've built up a lot of mistrust after 17 years." "You know, I even have to..." "I even have to go and visit my neighbours." "You know what I mean?" "Do you know your neighbours, Andrew?" "— Sort of." "— Yeah, you know 'em?" "What about you," "— Tom, you know your neighbours?" "— No." "No, why, Tom?" "Cos you're too busy scuba diving." "That's right." "No time for fuckin'... (LAUGHS)" "I got..." "My neighbours..." "I got..." "My neighbours, Anne and Ian." "Anne and Ian." "And he's a banker, and she's an interior designer." "Cos that's what women like to think they do." ""I wanna move furniture around for money."" "No..." "They'll invite us over, but they invited us over the other time cos they got their vegetables out of the garden." ""Hey, Tom, why don't you come on over and taste our vegetables?"" "(LAUGHTER)" ""Why don't you come on over and taste our vegetables, Tom?" ""Maybe, you know, we'll have a really nice time." "We'll make..." ""We'll make some soup or shit or something." Fuckin', that's cool." "I've actually... (LAUGHS)" "I've actually said this in my lifetime." ""I cannot believe the way this salmon flakes off so perfectly."" "You ever said that, Tom?" "If you do, fuckin' shoot yourself." "Oh, fuck, and I worry about the texture of fuckin' salmon." "20 years, man, 20 years." "You got any original friends any more, Andrew?" "— You've got a couple?" "— A few." "Yeah, where are they, Andrew?" "— Not here tonight." "— Not here, but..." "Are they living near you, Andrew?" "— Yeah, they do." "— Really, fuck you, then, OK?" "Fuck you." "Go fuck yourself with your fuckin' friends, Andy." "(LAUGHS)" "I don't have any, er..." "I don't have any original friends any more, Andrew." "Don't have any." "All my friends became assholes." "And do you wanna know why they became assholes?" "Cos she told me they were fuckin' assholes." "She was worried about me." "She was protecting me." "Didn't want me to hang out with these fuckin' dicks." "Bad fuckin' influences." "You know, like fuckin' Tom, and I'm glad she did, glad she got rid ofthem, cos we used to do stupid, irresponsible shit, like laugh." "She... (LAUGHS) Oh!" "Fuckin'... man, and when they wanna get rid of yourfriends, man, when a woman wants to get rid of your friends, fuck, and they're cunning', man, because they pose questions" "that you can't fuckin' answer properly." "You know, I get this from my gal." "She walked up to me, she goes, "So, er... (SUCKS TONGUE)" ""...why do you hang out with that..." ""Dave gUY" "..anyways?" ""I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom, all he does is smoke pot and get drunk all day." ""Is that what you wanna do, Tom?" ""Just sit around and smoke pot and get drunk all day?"" "And no man can answer that honestly." ""No, baby, I'd rather argue with you for ten hours." ""So why don't we go find my bank statements" ""and find out where I've been hiding all that gambling money, huh?"" "But you can't do that." "You can't pull that shit on your woman." "You can't turn those tides." "You can't sit there and go, "Oh, yeah, well, what about your friend Cindy?" ""She does the same damn thing!"" "Now, what did I do there, Andrew?" "I took a sharp stick and I walked up to a bear... (LAUGHTER)" ""Is this thing up?"" "Thwwrpt!" "Fuckin' provoked it." "And what happens after that I can only describe as mental fuckin' judo." "Women have mental judo that just fuckin' freaks you out." ""Fuckin' what about your friend Cindy?" This is what you get." "Now... did you see what just happened there?" "You see that little arm cross?" "Now, not a lot of people know it, but that's a woman's way of saying," ""Fight's on, motherfucker."" "Cos that's how women start fights." "Men don't start fights like that, do we, Tom?" "No." "If I said, "Fuck you, Tom." "Outside!"" "Do you know what I hate worse than the arm cross?" "Do you know what I hate worse?" "It's..." "There's this little laugh." "It's a real tiny fuckin' laugh, real subtle — sometimes you can hear it, sometimes you can't." "But you hear this laugh and the gates of hell have just closed behind you." "Satan's peeking over, going, "Fuck, you're in a lot oftrouble, Tom." ""I'm just gonna stay in hell where it's safe."" "Cos it's always the same, it's always like, "Uh—ha—ha!"" "Right?" "Because then they're into it." "Then they are into it, then they're like," ""Don't... you..." ""talk about..." "I'll tell you why, and every single one of you women in this fuckin' room know why you don't talk about Cindy like that." ""Because she is..."" "(VOICE BREAKS) "...going through a really rough time right now."" "(APPLAUSE)" "Huh?" ""So Cindy's going through a rough time." ""Well, at least Dave was never a hooker."" ""Huh?"" ""Is this thing up?"" "Since when have I done that?" "Now...now I've engaged." "I've engaged." "I should've just let it lie, right?" "I should've just let it lie." "Cindy's going through a rough time, day would have went gone, but I have to go one step further and just call her a fuckin' hooker." "Now we're gonna have an aggressive conversation, and I'm gonna tell you something, ladies, you got..." "I've never won an argument with a woman without violence." "Cos you ladies, you're good fuckin' talkers." "You're good talkers, and I'll tell you what, because you learned to talk from the beginning oftime." "Year zero, whenever the fuck it started, you guys were berry pickers." "You know, just sitting out there, picking berries together, having conversations," ""Oh, these are really nice berries." ""Oh, love these berries." ""Will you taste my berry?" "No, you taste my berry."" ""That's...that's a really lovely bearskin rug, it hangs off."" ""Thank you." "Thanks a Iot."" "Bla—Ial—Ia—Ia—Ia!" "See, men..." "We men, we never learned to talk." "You wanna know why?" "Cos we were hunters." "We had to be... (WHISPERS) ...quiet." "(LAUGHTER)" "You can't gib—gab out on the fuckin' plain." "You can't be out hunting shit, going, "Fuck, this grass is really long."" ""Would you shut the fuck up, Bob?" "You fuckin' asshole!" ""You just scared the deer away, Bob." ""What did we say?" "No chitchat."" ""Now hide your fuckin' feelings." ""They can smell feelings." ""Nobody gives a shit about your dad, Bob." ""Put the tears away."" "That's why we never brought you women hunting with us, cos you'd fuck it up." "You'd be out there, going, "Oh, my hair's stuck in a tree."" "(LAUGHTER)" "(WHISPERS) "Shut the fuck up!" ""Just scared the food away."" "Then women say shit that blows my mind." "Women will say shit like, "I don't need food..." ""I just need you."" ""Oh, my fuckin' God." ""We are gonna die."" "Hm?" "Why is that?" "I'll tell you why." "If we can agree on this." "Because men are physical, yes?" "— Can we agree on that?" "— Yeah." "Yeah?" "And women are mental, yeah?" "Yeah?" "Right?" "And that is the Yin and Yang that have kept us together for centuries, and after 17 years, I figured out why women talk so much." "You're gonna love it." "Cos they've never been punched in the head." "The whole fuckin' time." "And I know..." "I know it's a controversial theory of mine, OK?" "But let's..." "I don't know, who are you, man?" "What's your name?" "— Rosie." "— Rosie, have you ever been punched in the head, Rose?" "You have been punched?" "No, you've never been punched in the head, see?" "OK?" "See, men know..." "Look, if you hear me out." "Men know if they fuckin' start spewing out shit, they're gonna get a punch in the fuckin' head." "OK?" "Like, let's take little Tommy over here, OK?" "Now, if I started talking to Tom about my shoes and how much they cost and how awesome they are and how they match my fuckin' eyes, how long...how long would it take for you to glass me?" "— Five minutes." "— Five minutes tops." "Now, let's face it, ladies." "You do not have that fear." "That's why women will talk to you about anything that comes into their candyflossed little head and think that you're interested in everything." "OK?" "And I'm here to tell you something, ladies, OK?" "If you're talking to a man for over an hour, we're not even there any more." "OK?" "Physically, we're lookin' at you." "Physically, we're like this." "But mentally, we are fuckin' gone." "We're like..." "Right?" "And I've had some pretty fuckin' bullshit conversations, man." "My woman's given me some real bullshit ones, man." "I've had shit like this, "And then I went to this car—boot sale, you know," ""at seven in the morning, but I was gonna wake you up," ""but you would've just told me to fuck off, so I just went on my own." (LAUGHS)" ""And, you know, I took the Land Rover, and it's really expensive in gas —" ""that's why I don't like to take it, but you can carry shit in it." ""I didn't get a parking spot, like, I was, like, five miles..." ""Well, not five miles, Tom, I'm not an idiot." ""I parked it, you know, but I did wear high heels, which was stupid," ""because ofthe track and shit, but do you remember the guy, the fuckin' guy" ""that gives coffee, he's a blond—haired guy and he wears a white T—shirt, well," ""he wasn't there."" "And... "You know the one, you know the one, Tom." ""And, anyways, he gave me some coffee, and this asshole just bumps me," ""doesn't say fuck all, spills it right on my tit, Tom, right on my tit." ""I just bought this blouse, Tom, and do you remember Aunt Marge?" ""She came over about three and half months ago and she said to put some water on it" ""so that the stain doesn't set." ""I'm like, 'Fuck you, we've got Vanish, Marge, we don't have to do that shit.' "" "B|ah—b|ah—b|ah—b|ah—b|ah!" "My brain is like, "Give a shit, give a shit, give a shit." ""I just wanna come on your tits."" "It's a little secret, by the way." "If you ladies ever want us to really listen to you, let us come on your tits." "We will listen to anything you fuckin' say." "We'll be," ""Fuckin' Aunt Marge, she's really awesome, yes." ""When's she coming over again?" "Really?"" "My brain just flies away, it's like, "Whooph!" ""Oh, look, I'm in my happy place" ""with all these pretty butterflies."" "And after about an hour, when your lady fuckin' realises that you ain't listening... oh, my, God, you ain't validating her, cos that is a big thing you gotta do, you gotta validate, and when she realises you ain't fuckin' listening," "the face is the funniest face I think I've ever seen, man, cos they're always the same, it's..." "And then, you know, cos they watch Bargain Hunt a lot and, you know..." ""I know a piece of Wedgwood glass from anybody," ""and this was a real good one, and it's..."" "(LAUGHTER)" ""Tom..." ""...are you even listening to me?"" "And you know what that is?" "That's a man's brain, going, "OK, it's time to come in for landing." ""Er, this is brain to conversation," ""we've been circling up here for about an hour now, yeah." ""Yeah, we've got a lot of ideas that'll die if we don't get down there," ""so, er, so can you help us out?"" ""Yes, this is conversation to brain," ""yeah, we've been down here the whole time, just come on in" ""and just say you're sorry, Tom, just sorry it up, Tom," ""doesn't matter what the fuck this woman said." ""You know it, I know it, we don't know what the fuck she was talking about," ""just come on down and say you're sorry."" "And if you ever noticed, that's exactly what happens." "Man, you just sit there and you're like, "Oh, fuck, I'm sorry?"" "Do you think women would let you go at that?" "Do you think women would let you go at "sorry"?" "Do you think women forgive?" "Fuck that." "Women will say shit like, "Really, Tom, you're sorry?" ""OK, what are you sorry for, Tom?"" "And then your brain just pops." ""You're fuckin' lucky I said sorry."" "And your brain kicks in and goes, "You just said that out loud, Tom."" ""We've got clearance for takeoff."" "Yeah, because that's it, man." "That's it, Andrew." "She's your lover, she's your wife, right?" "She ain't your best friend." "Is she your best friend, Andrew?" "— Marguerite your best friend?" "— Yeah." "Really?" "Fuck off!" "Fuck off, you pansy—assed fanny!" "Really?" "She's your wife, she's your lover, but she ain't your best fuckin' friend." "Can't be your best friend." "I..." "You wouldn't..." "I'll prove it in here tonight, I'll prove it in here tonight." "Your woman will never be your best friend, OK?" "Watch this." "How many guys in here have ever had a day off, and their best friend comes home and goes," ""What the fuck have you done all day?"" "Huh?" "Yeah?" "No." "Yeah, totally." "Is that your best fuckin' friend, huh?" ""What the fuck have I done all day?" ""Where the fuck did that attitude come from?" ""And with that little attitude," ""I'm not gonna tell you how much I lost in Ladbrokes, huh?" ""Think about that." ""It was a Iot."" "Well, you gotta have one or two good friends, gotta have one or two, that's why you always keep one around, and I know that, Andrew, cos you need somebody to talk to," "and I brought my best friend." "He's been with me for fuckin', like," "I can't even tell you, man." "I mean, we've been through thick and thin, my good buddy right here." "(LAUGHTER)" "Good old Heroin Jimmy." "How are you doing, Jimmy?" "Give me some love, buddy." "Here you are." "(STRAINS)" "Yeah, this guy's..." "We've been through marriage..." "He's seen me through my marriage and shit, man, and..." "I met..." "Fuckin', I don't know." "I met Jim back in 1990—what, Jim?" "— Two." "— Two." "Fuckin'..." "How old were you, Jimmy?" "— Six." "— Six." "Wow!" "Shit!" "Six years old." "Holy fuck!" "Just a..." "Just a 26-year-old guy and a six—year—old boy hanging' out." "Ain't nothing wrong with that, Jimmy, ain't nothing wrong with that." "Look, I remember when Jim was just a little, small Chinese boy." "A little Chinese guy and, God, man, and..." "I took Jim back to my home country of Canada, where I raised him as one of my own, eh, Jim?" "I mean, we came back here to England..." "How many years we been in England now, Jimmy?" "— Four." "— Four years." "Fuck, and I love it, because me and Jim..." "I love hangin' out with you English people." "I do, because you guys are so curious about me all the time." "You know, you guys always come up to me and ask me that one question I love." "You always come up to me and you're always like," ""So, Tom, what part of America are you from?"" "And I'm gonna go..." "I'm gonna tell you..." "When I go," ""I'm not, I'm from Canada..."" "...I don't think I've ever seen a people get more apologetic in all my..." "Because you're always like, "Oh, my God, Tom, I'm so sorry." ""I thought you were a gun—toting retard."" ""No, I'mjust a maple—syrup—Iickin' seal killer."" "Yeah, cos we love killing seals." "It's awesome... and it's easy cos they're stupid and defenceless." "If you can't kill a seal, there's something fuckin' wrong with you, eh, Jimmy?" "You could be in a wheelchair with a fucked—up arm," "I'll push you in the middle of a bunch of 'em and you'll kill one by accident." "That's how fuckin' stupid these things are." "Fuck, that's right." "(LAUGHS)" "That's..." "Yes, I mean, me and Jim, we went seal killing, eh, Jimmy?" "Fuckin' what year did we go seal killing, Jim?" "— '98." "— '98." "It was Jim's 12th birthday party." "No, forget it." "Jim was all excited, he was in his little Chinese hat and Chinese shoes." "I said, "What do you wanna do for your 12th birthday, Jim?" And he said," ""I wanna go clubbing, Tom."" "So I took him to the only place I knew, and Jimmy didn't even use the little oak club I made him for his birthday." "How'd you kill him, Jim?" "With my bare hands." "With his bare fuckin' hands." "Just out there, ripping 'em apart, gouging' their eyes out and eatin' their hearts." "Fuckin' everybody at the zoo is freakin' out." ""It's the most violent seal show I've ever seen."" "You guys have ill will towards the Americans, and I don't know why that is, but I know you do, because I've heard you talk behind their backs... because you're a bunch of two—faced fuckin' dicks, that's what you are." "I can respect that." "But, I don't know, let's just clear it up tonight." "Are there any Americans in here tonight?" "Anybody taking up two seats?" "Bam, give me thumb, Jim!" "Good thumb." "Cos they're fat, right, Jim?" "They're fuckin' huge, even bigger than Jimmy." "Jimmy feels thin when he goes to the fuckin' States." "Fuckin' huge." "And I told that joke, eh, Jimmy, told that joke, when an American big, fat chick came up to me." "She was real offended, man." "She came up to me and she was like," ""Tom, do you even know why the Americans are so fat, Tom?" ""Do you just speak out of ignorance, Tom?" And I'm like, "Yeah." ""It's funnier that way." ""I didn't do it for the laugh."" "What she said blew my mind." "She said, "Tom..." I swear to you..." "She goes, "Tom, the reason the Americans are so fat right now" ""is cos there's so much poverty..." ""in America."" "I was like, "What the fuck?" ""What the fuck are you talking about?" ""Are you telling me that there are poor people getting fat?" ""That's not natural."" "Then she went, "Yeah, Tom," ""you see, the poor people in America, Tom, they can only afford..." ""they can only afford cheap food, Tom." ""They can only afford KFC Snack Packs" ""with two pieces of chicken, delicious gravy" ""and small coleslaw."" "And me and Jimmy, we cried all night, didn't we?" "We didn't know it was a problem." "And that's when I realised — that's what makes America awesome, because it is the only country where you can be poor and fat." "That's odd, cos you can't say that about it." "Some fuckin' retard, you know..." "You can't sit there and go," ""Oh, yeah, do you wanna know why there's so many fat Africans?" ""Cos they're so poor." ""Yeah, a couple of fat Africans on a donkey right now," ""tryin' to find cheap food."" ""God, I'm so fat and poor and hungry..." ""...and Africany." ""God, I hope I find cheap food." ""Holy fuck, is that a drive—thru?" ""Oh, fuck, we're gonna live!"" ""Hi, welcome to McGeldof's." ""How can I help you?"" ""Oh, God, I'm so fat and poor and hungry." ""All right, OK," ""I'll take, um, a McFamine meal..." ""...and could you supersize the dirty water?" ""And I'll take a large flies." ""Some flies." ""Put that bag on my head and I'm out of here."" "Now, I know a lot of people tonight are going, "Why'd you do it, Tom?" ""Why'd you do it?" ""You knew it was wrong and you did it anyways, Tom." ""Why did you say flies, Tom?" ""Why the fuck did you have to take it all the way to flies, Tom?" ""We were laughing at dirty water, Tom." ""We were laughing at dirty water."" "I said "flies" for two reasons." "One, cos I thought it was funny." "I use it all the time now, through every drive—thru I go to." ""Hi, can I get a large flies?"" "And they're like, "What do you think this is, Africa?"" "(LAUGHS)" "But number two maybe, just maybe, you could say, "Thank you, Tom..." ""Thank you for saying 'flies'." ""Thank you, Tom." ""Thank you, Tom, for making us aware..." ""of a hunger problem in Africa," ""using the medium of comedy." Well, guess what?" "You're welcome." "— (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) — You're welcome." "It's the least..." "I...can...do." "It's the least I can do." "Cos, look, I mean, you don't think I don't wanna be like Bono?" "Bono gets to help you make... make you guys aware by singing beautiful songs with his angelic voice." "I'm a comedian." "I have to make you aware by victimising people." "You think I like doing it?" "Because I don't." "But I do it cos I care." "And I'm not gonna stop caring." "Cos me and Jimmy, we were there." "What year were we in Africa, Jim?" "2000." "2000, that's right." "Two years after we went seal killing." "We'd gone there." "We were in Somalia, teaching all them kids to become pirates." "Somebody had to, right, Jim?" "Jim was angry." "Cos we stole all the Somalis' fish." "Jim started freaking out — he was like, "Chi—chii, chi—whaa, chi—caa!"" "I'm like, "I hear you, Jim."" "And we went out there..." "Me and Jim, we went out there and, Jim, you loved the little kids, didn't you?" "You fuckin' loved them." "Jim had a motivational day where he gave them cocaine and gunpowder." "Lot of people died at that picnic, Jim." "I know." "Cos that's the kind of people me and Jim are." "We're not like you people." "You see, me and Jim, we will not sit around and pretend that human suffering isn't happening." "Will we, Jim?" "— Never." "— Never!" "I've never seen him this passionate before." "Me and Jim will not turn a blind eye to our fellow starving human beings." "— Will we, Jim?" "— No chance." "Sometimes we will, that's right, Jim." "Cos you don't wanna think about starving children all the time." "I mean, maybe when you're trying not to come or something." "A lot of people are going, "That is fuckin' disgusting, Tom." ""But, yet, a good idea."" "Me and Jim... we were there and we saw all the children picking through the garbage with their dirty shirt and shoe." "Knowing that they had absolutely nothing and we had everything." "And we weren't gonna give them any of ours." "And it really affected us." "And then Jim said the most profound thing." "He said, "Tom..." ""how can we help these dirty, garbage—picking fuckin' children?"" "(LAUGHS)" "I said, "For once..."" "(LAUGHS) I said..." "I said, "That's a good point, Jim." ""We could donate shit."" "And what did you donate, Jim?" "Weapons, that's right." "Gave them all a bunch of handguns, said they'd sort it out themselves." "I, on the other hand, decided to donate toys." "Cos that's what I know starving children love — toys." "That's what I'd love if I was hungry." "So I went home and I donated all my little girl's toys." "And she started crying, that selfish little bitch." "She was up in my face, man." "She was like, "Fuck you, Dad!" "Fuck you!" ""Why you giving all my toys away to dirty, garbage—picking children," ""you fuckin' asshole?" "!"" "And I'm like, "Fuck, well, two things —" ""one, you've got a mouth on you for five." ""Don't know where you picked that shit up, you little dick."" "And then I realised why she was crying." "Cos I accidentally chucked one of her Tamagotchis, that she'd been working on for seven months, in one ofthe boxes." "And she ran up the stairs, crying." "And if you've ever seen your little girl crying, it hurts you." "Cos I was sitting there, thinking, "You know, man," ""there could be a starving child out there" ""with a toy he is gonna have to feed..." ""and water."" "You know, like Jimmy said, that toy's probably gonna live longer than he will." "But Jimmy's right, Tamagotchis can't get AIDS." "(MOUTHS)" "Just thank God I didn't put that Hungry Hippo game in there, you know?" "Can you imagine them playing Hungry Hippo?" ""I'm as hungry as this hippo right now." ""But I can't eat marbles."" "Ugh..." "Yeah, me and Jimmy, we may have got it wrong... but at least we tried." "Right, Jim?" "I mean, we may have got it wrong, but at least we tried." "We don't wait around." "We don't sit around and wait for the government to do shit for us." "Do we, Jim?" "—JIM:" "No." "—No." "Jim hates the government." "What the fuck do you say about the government, Jim?" "Fuck them." ""Fuck..." That was really fast." "Always freaking out about the government." "It's like, "Tom!" "The government — fuck them!"" "And I'm always like, "Well, calm down and put your clothes back on, Jim." ""Come inside, it's cold out there." ""You live next to a fuckin' schoolyard, Jim." ""Those kids don't wanna see your cock again, Jim." ""They don't wanna see it."" "Cos kids don't like cocks, I think we know that." "Kids don't like cocks." "OK?" "If you're thinking about showing a kid your cock after the show, just put it away, they're not interested." "It's not like when me and Jim were boys, eh, Jimmy?" "We loved cocks when we were kids." "Couldn't get enough cock when we were kids." "You more than most." "You..." "Hey..." "Fuck, yeah." "We'd be playing hopscotch, eh, Jimmy?" "Fuck, some old man would come by and flick open his bag and say," ""Hey, kids, you wanna see my bag?"" "And we'd be like, "Would we ever!"" "And he'd just show it to us, and it was an awesome bag." "Maybe we'd..." "You know, maybe we'd head down to his van and pet his puppy or something, eh, Jim?" "But it was different times." "It was times when people knew how to keep secrets." "We don't wait around for that shit." "I mean, for fuck's sakes — me and Jim, we went and fought terrorism." "On our own." "Went all the way..." "What year we go fight terrorism, Jim?" "Every year, but..." "Every year." "That's right." "(LAUGHS)" "(MOUTHS)" "(APPLAUSE)" "See, cos Jimmy's right." "It's the government." "They're trying to divide us." "They're trying to make us think that we're different, that we're all not human beings." "They are trying to get us to rat each other out." "I'm in the train station and I'm hearing this shit now..." ""If you see anyone looking... (WHISPERS) "...suspicious..."" "You ever looked for somebody looking suspicious?" "You look fuckin' suspicious." "(APPLAUSE)" ""If you see anyone looking suspicious," ""could you please report them?"" "Now, has anybody done that?" "Anybody fucked up somebody's day like that?" "Fuckin' Jimmy has." "Fuckin' Jimmy ratted me out." "Fuckin' asshole." "Fuckin' sent me to a secret torture camp." "How long was I there for, Jim?" "— Not long enough." "— Not long enough!" "MAN:" "Go on, Jim!" "Fuck..." "Fuck, he's an asshole!" "He does it on purpose!" "Sent me there for how many years, Jim?" "— Two." "— Two years." "Fucked me up." "Don't torture people." "I can't fuck normal any more." "I need a German shepherd in the bedroom, barking, just to get a hard—on now." "(MIMICS DOG BARKING)" "Gonna come." "Fuckin'..." "When we went over there, man, we didn't find any terrorists." "We just found angry farmers who wanted to kill us." "Because we can't party with our Afghani brothers." "Any Afghani brothers in here tonight?" "No." "Cos there's no cheap flights." "EasyJet..." "EasyJet doesn't fly over there." "You see?" "Cos they..." "What they do now is, they get us to be scared of shit that we were never scared of before, you know?" "Shit like unattended luggage." "Now, I don't know much about suicide bombers, but I know they don't leave their luggage behind." "It ain't no..." "That's the fuckin' Irish, man, ifthat's going on." "There ain't no suicide bomber on a fuckin' train, going "Aaaargh!" ""I can't believe I left my bomb at Costa Coffee." ""Now they're gonna think we hate coffee."" "Unattended luggage." "Fuckin' ten years ago, if you saw unattended luggage, you'd be excited... and fuckin' take it." "You'd be..." "You'd be, like, "Oh, my God." ""That woman in a burka..." ""...and a beard..." ""...just left her luggage." ""Well, all right!"" "Ten years ago, you wouldn't think there was a fuckin' bomb in there." "You'd be like, "Maybe it's got spices!"" "There'd be a guy on a train, going, "Fuck!" "I left my spice bag behind." ""Now all my food's gonna be bland."" "But I say you use that to your advantage now, people." "You use that unattended luggage shit to your advantage." "When you're flying, OK, when you're flying and that little sheet of paper that you have to print out, cos the easyJet whore's a little too lazy to fuckin' give you a ticket..." "Got to print out your own fuckin' ticket, make her do absolutely fuckin' nothing but sit there and stare at you like you're a dick." "When it says 28 kilograms, you put in 28." "You fill it with rocks." "And you go to that easyJet counter, you look at that easyJet whore straight in the face and you put your luggage on." "And when she looks at you in disgust and says, "That's 28 kilograms." ""Didn't you read the little piece of paper that I didn't print out for you," ""cos I'm too fuckin' lazy?" ""That'll be 16 thousand extra hundred pounds."" "You go, "Fuck you, easyJet whore," and you grab your bag of rocks." "You walk away and you put it right there, and you come back to that easyJet whore and you say, "16 hundred thousand extra hundred pounds, huh?" ""Well, how much is that gonna cost you," ""to leave my luggage over there, unattended?" ""Huh?" ""Is it gonna cost you to..." ""...shut down this fuckin' airport?" ""If I'm not flying, nobody's flying."" "But my hope is, maybe we will be able to party with our Afghani brothers one day." "Huh?" "Maybe one day, easyJet will go over there, and we'll be able to see Afghanistan on maybe one ofthem holiday programmes, like A Place In The Sun." "That'd be awesome." "You know, just have little Amanda sitting there, going," ""Hi, I'm Amanda," ""and today we're in the sunny climate of Afghanistan" ""in war—torn Kabul, with Bob and Margaret from London," ""who are thinking about relocating." ""And they have £5 to spend..." ""...on a beautiful, bullet—ridden mud hut." ""Now, this next mud hut I'm gonna show you," ""it's a little out of your budget..." ""it's £9," ""but it does come with planning permission to dig a hole outside" ""so you can take a shit."" "(APPLAUSE)" ""Something you'd be interested in, Bob, shitting outside?"" "But it's like anything, right, Jim?" "We went over there, we learnt their culture, we learnt their ways." "We didn't know it at first, but we learnt." "We learnt." "We were stupid at first, but we smartened up." "I mean, fuckin'..." "First time we heard the call to prayer..." "How many times do they do the call to prayer, Jimmy?" "— Four." "— Four times a day." "Or six." "Or six." "We're not sure." "But did we know it was their call to prayer, Jim?" "No." "For fuck..." "We thought it was their radio station." "We just thought it was some guy on the horn, going..." ""Alla—a—a—ah." ""Hey, this is Ahmed In The Morning..." ""...on 105.5." ""Muslim Music Radio!" ""It's six in the morning." ""Are you facing west?"" ""That was Moharnrned On The Mountain, topping our charts..." ""on the countdown, on the Muslim Music countdown." ""I love Moharnrned On The Mountain." ""Every time I hear Moharnrned On The Mountain," ""I just wanna head on down to the river and get my feet washed." ""By the way, if anybody out there's got some funny feet—washing stories" ""they wanna call in..." ""Maybe somebody stole your shoes at the mosque." ""...we'd really love to hear from you on Muslim Music Radio," ""cos this week, we're giving two tickets away to Mecca!" ""Why walk when you can fly?" ""And here's Naseem with the weather report."" ""It's fuckin' hot." "Thanks, Naseem." ""We'll be back on the mid—morning."" "It's the kind of shit we do, right, Jim?" "Put ourselves out there." "We go to dangerous fuckin' places." "You think I knew about your culture?" "I..." "I..." "I went to the most dangerous place I've ever been to, which is here, in a little place called..." "Wolverhampton." "(CHEERING)" "Fuckin' even Afghanis would be afraid ofthat fuckin' place." "I remember driving into Wolverhampton and I saw everybody in their tracksuits." "And I thought, "Fuck, this place..." ""is really healthy." ""It's like a little Olympic mini—village going on here."" "So, anyways, I'm talking to a couple ofthe athletes. just outside the pasty shop trying to figure out what event they were in, cos they were smoking." "And it turns out it was the "kick my ass" fuckin' relay." "I had to send my kids to school in Wolverhampton, Andrew." "And they treated him pretty special." "Cos he was the only one with a dad." "Should have seen sports day — just me and a couple of lesbians." "Living there, man..." "Eh, Jim?" "Living there, fuckin' I loved it, man." "Taught me a lot about you people." "I think one of my favourite stores since I've been here was a little place called Primark." "Yeah, I'm convinced nobody goes there to buy anything but just to mess the place up, man." "It's the only store I've ever seen where people go, "These jeans are shit!"" "Like, of course it's shit, dickhead." "They're three fuckin' pounds!" "Just cos stuff's cheap doesn't mean you gotta chuck it around." "OK?" "That's why Argos keeps all their stuff in the fuckin' back, man." "Cos they don't trust you." "They're like, "Don't show it to 'em." "Just show 'em pictures ofthe shit." ""And make sure they're laminated."" "Argos." "That store is a head fuck, man." "I've never seen..." "I've never seen a store..." "I've travelled all around the world, I've never seen a store like Argos." "I remember the first time I ever walked into Argos." "They made me feel like I was a spy." "Right?" "I bought something and I walked up to the teller and I handed over this little piece of paper." "And she just looked at me and went, "OK." ""Go to checkpoint B."" "I went to checkpoint B, they didn't even know who the fuck I was." "It's like, "You don't fuckin' know me?" ""I'm 376." ""I think you have a package for me."" "My woman..." "My woman loves Argos." "Women love Argos, cos they've got the catalogue." "Women love catalogues." "I've never seen a woman walk by a catalogue." "Could be a windy, rainy, fuckin'..." ""Oh, my God, my umbrella!" "Jesus Christ!" "My skin..." ""Holy fuck, is that a catalogue?"" "Cos women are good with catalogues." "You women are good with catalogues." "My woman's good with a catalogue." "My woman doesn't even need to look at the index of a catalogue to know what page the shit she wants is on." "My woman will walk into Argos and flip through that catalogue like she was some sort of Jedi fuckin' knight, man." "She'll be like..." "Fffffffft!" ""That's what I want, Tom." ""571 1234."" "And I'm like, "Fuck, how'd you do that?" "!"" "She goes, "I'll show you something else, Tom."" "Fffffffft!" ""That's what you want."" "And I'm like, "I don't even know what the fuck I want."" "And then I look at it and go, "Holy fuck, that is what I want."" "Fuckin' trampoline." "Cos I didn't want a trampoline... for 129.95." "But for 79.95 I needed a trampoline." "And you can't just buy no trampoline." "Can't just buy a trampoline." "You gotta get all your trampoline trimmings." "Gotta get that safety cage." "In case you're retarded and you don't know how to bounce up and down." "One of these sideway bouncers." "Yeah?" "Turns out I'm a sideways bouncer." "Bouncing from side to side." "I smashed my head against that fuckin' safety bar... in the safety cage, thinking," ""Thank God that safety bar was there to..." ""...stop me from landing on that soft grass."" "(APPLAUSE)" "Living there has taught me a lot about you English people." "You guys won't pay... — £10 for..." "— (CHEER)" "Wow!" "Fuckin' wow!" "Blows my mind!" "Awesome!" "You guys..." "Fuck that, Jimmy!" "You guy/S... won't pay £10 for jack shit." "All right?" "I was in this little market in this place called Bilston." "And there was this guy selling meat... out of a fuckin' van." "Now, there's something about a guy selling meat... out ofa van... that attracts you English people like flies to a starving child's face." "They never let me say that on the BBC, I'll tell you that." ""Tom, can we slow down on the face flies?" ""Does every joke have to have flies on its face?"" "And you've got a crowd way bigger than this, man, and he started freaking everybody out." "He was sitting there, going," ""What I got here..." ""...is I got a rump roast..." ""...normally...." ""...12.95..." ""at Tesco's."" "And everybody's just fuckin' losing it." "Everybody's like "Fuck, he's right, it is 12.95." ""I'll tell you something — this guy knows his meat prices."" "Fuckin'..." "And then he goes, "Do you wanna know..." ""...what I'm gonna do with this rump roast?"" "And now I'm losing my fuckin' mind." "He's playing with my head." "I'm like, "Fuck, I wanna know what he's gonna do with that rump roast." ""We've got a mystery to solve here, Scoob." ""What the fuck's going on with the rump roast?"" "Man..." "And he goes, "I'm gonna put this rump roast..." ""...on the scale."" "And I'm like, "Fuck, I never saw that coming, man."" "Like, "Shit!" ""What the fuck is going on around here?"" "And then he says," ""Do you think this is all the meat I'm gonna put on the scale?" ""Do you think I just drove up here in a van" ""with one rump roast?"" "And I'm looking at him, going, "Fuck if you did." ""You're the most retarded meat van driver I ever met." ""What, are you just driving around with one rump roast, are you?" ""What, you leave the house today, going, 'Honey, I'm gonna take the rump roast" "" 'over to the villagers..." "" '...in a funny hat'?"" "And he goes, "I've got 18 pork chops." ""Do you wanna know what I'm gonna do with these pork chops?"" "And I'm like..." ""I bet he puts 'em on the scale."" "And he goes, "I'm gonna put these pork chops on the scale."" "And I'm like, "I fuckin' knew it, man." ""You can't fool me twice, meat van guy." ""I know where that meat's going now."" "And then he said this." "Then he said, "Do you think this is all the meat I'm gonna put on the scale?" ""Do you think I just drove up here in a van" ""with 18 pork chops and a rump roast?"" "And I'm like, "You can't put any more meat on that scale." ""You's breaking meat scale regulation codes."" "And then he said this." "And I will never forget this as long as I fuckin' live." "And then he said," ""I've got a bag full of faggots."" "Ladies and gentlemen... when he said..." ""I got a bag full of faggots,"" "well, I'll guarantee right now, I was the only one laughing." "As you done can't say that where I'm from." "And you especially can't have a bag full of 'em." "That's right." "If somebody came up to me and said, "Tom, I've got a bag full of faggots,"" "I'd go, "Well, fuck, you've changed, Gary."" "And then he said, "Do you wanna know..." ""what I'm gonna do with these faggots?"" "And I'm like, "You'd better put 'em on the scale."" "And then he held the scale up like it was the Holy fuckin' Grail." "Might as well have been light coming offthe meat." "And mu..." "♪ Ahh-ahh—ahh!" "♪" "Jesus stapled to it." "We were all looking at that mountain of meat, but I was watching everybody's faces." "And we were all thinking the same fuckin' thing." "We were just looking at it, going "Fuck!" ""Just say it's a fiver."" "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen." "Thank you." "(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)" "Another round of applause for my buddy, Jimmy." "You fuckin' asshole!" "Good job, Jim." "Little Tommy." "Give little Tommy applause." "Congratulations, and I hope all the best to you, you guys." "Thank you so much, man." "Like, it really...touches me, man." "It touches me." "All right." "I'm gonna go and see you in the bar, OK?" "We'll go have some drinks after the show, take some pictures." "See you, guys." "(BEASTIE BOYS:" "Sabotage)" "Let me see." "(INDISTINCT)" "All right..." "Oh, fuck!" "I'm at a fuckin' wedding now!" "All right, you guys." "Tommy, take care." "All the best, Jim." "Have a good one, boys." "All right!" "(CHEERING)" "♪ ..." "I got this fucking thorn in my side" "♪ Oh, my, it's a mirage" "♪ I'm tellin' y'all, it's sabotage" "♪ So, so, so..." "So listen up Cos you can't say nothin'" "♪ You'll shut me down with a push of your button" "♪ But, yo, I'm out and I'm gone I'll tell you now" "♪ I keep it on and on... ♪"