"[Jet Passing Overhead]" " Kl i nger!" " I t's ringing." "It's ringing." "I can't make them answer." "Hey, look!" "A letter from my Aunt Megla." "What a lady." "Sixtyyears old, and she can still spit into a thimble from 30 paces." "How long can it take to put through one phone call?" " I think the record is three weeks." " Stupid idiotic morons!" "Major,just a hunch, but areyou a little edgy about something?" "No!" "Mind your own business." "And make somebody answer that phone!" "Whateveryou say, Your Calmness." "Hello, "I" Corps?" "It worked." "What tookyou so long?" "Well, did you ever think of putting an extension in the latrine?" "Just a minute." "I'll check." "Who doyou want?" " I want the phone." " She'll be with you in a moment." " Hello." "This is Major Margaret Houlihan." "I'd like to speak" "One moment, please." "Corporal, I'm sureyou have something you can be doing right now." "And don't forgetyou're taking me to Kimpo Airport tomorrow at 1 600 hours." "How could I forget?" "I'm living for it." "Hello." "I'd like to speak to general Heiser, please." "Yes, yes." "I'll hold." "[ Klinger groans ]" "Hello, Doug." "It's Margaret." "I'm fine." "I just gotyour letter." "I'm so glad you can make it toTokyo this weekend." "I've got it all planned." "No." "I know a wonderful restaurant thatyou're just gonna love." "And then afterwards we're gonna go see the Kabuki." "And it's just gonna be such an extra special birthday for me." "And, oh, we're gonna have a wonderful time." "Yeah." "I'll seeyou tomorrow." "Bye." "[Hawkeye ] Say, Beeej." "Didyou ordera cow?" "This farmerjust wandered in looking for a doctor." "I just happen to have one on me." "I am Lee Seung-Chul." "Hi." "I'm Dr. Pierce." "What's the problem?" "No." "It is not for me." "It's" "[Both ] Oh." " Look at that." " Holy cow." "What happened?" "Bombs vey close to my home." "Our family able to get cover." "But animal not so lucky." "She is only one left." " Those wounds are pretty deep." " That's only part ofthe problem." " She's pregnant." " She give birth soon." "I am worried for her safety and for calf." "I'm afraid their family needs both ofthem vey badly." "We'll do what we can, but I" " I mean, we have to figure out how to start first." "You know how to make a cow say "Ah"?" "Not without getting emotionally involved." "I'm afraid cows are a little out of our field." "We specialize in patients with two legs and one stomach." "She doesn't seem to be in immediate danger, but we're gonna have to get help for this." " Why don't we talk to Colonel Potter?" " Yeah." " Old farmhand like him should know what to do." " Stay in the waiting room." "Boys, I know just what to do." "Klinger, get on the horn to "I" Corps..." " and see ifyou can track down that veterinarian." " Wait a minute." "That's it?" "I thought stufflike this was supposed to be second nature to farm folk." "The only thing that was second nature to this farmerwas the vet's phone number." "I don't know nothin' about birthin' no bovines." "I don't know nothin' about birthin' no bovines." " Colonel, you wanted to see me?" " Yes indeedy, Major." "The surgeon general's office has just given us permission to begin using Levophed." "Soyou'll have to brief your nurses on administering it." " Fine." "I'll do it first thing Monday morning." " Uh, sory, Major." "The drug and the instructions are due here tomorrow afternoon... and your staffhas gotta be primed immediately." "But, sir, I'm going on R  R. You gave me a three-day pass." "Remember?" " You've still got it." "You'll just have to postpone a couple days." " But that's not fair!" "Margaret, what's the difference?" "In Korea, evey day is a holiday." "Congratulations, Doctors." "I've just put through the call." " Dr. Landau will hearyou now." " good." "I'll talk to him." " Colonel" " Excuse me, Margaret." "This is bigger than all of us." "Ifl could get somebodyto give the lecture for me, could I still go tomorrow?" "Fine by me." "But regs say it's gotta be done by someone who's at least a major." "## [Piano:" "Classical]" "## [ Continues ]" " good afternoon, Charles." " Major." " Am I disturbing you?" " Not yet." " I was wondering if I could, uh, talk to you about" " Now you are." "I'm sory." "I see I've come at a bad time... but ifl don't, uh, come now... and I come later, it'll be too late... because later it'll be tomorrow." "Margaret, since you seem to have your heart set on disturbing me... would you at least do it with dispatch?" " Certainly." "Oh, what lovely music that is." "So bright and cheerful." " ## [ Continues ]" " Mozart, isn't it?" " [ Chuckles ] Mussorgsky." "Well, you're only a hundred years off, and both their names do begin with an "M."" "Margaret, should there, by any chance... be a point to this conversation, would you please get to it?" "[ Laughing ] It's" " It's nothing." "Really." "Nothing." "It's just that tomorrow I'm supposed to deliver a lecture to my staff... on the administering of Levophed, and I was wondering whetheryou could do it for me." "Margaret, correct me ifI'm wrong... but whatyou're asking me to do sounds dangerously close to nurse's duty." "Yes." "But, you see, I was supposed to go to Tokyo tomorrow." "Margaret, even Winchesterwomen do not do women's work." "Well... that's certainly understandable." "But it has to be done by at least a major." "And just think ofwhat it would mean to my staff... to have it delivered by a man ofyour caliber." "Margaret, you are perceptive, if not sincere." "Let's examine this from a Winchester point ofview." "What's in it for me?" " What doyou want?" "Name it." " Well..." "let's see." "Lately I have had a craving... to hear the Beethoven Emperor Piano Concerto." "That's it?" "Y-You'll do it?" "I get that, you'll do it?" "Well, of course, it must be the incomparable Artur Schnabel as soloist." " Of course." "Schnabel." " Ah" " And not the 1 947 performance." "It's" " It's- It's just tentative." "On the other hand, the 1 932 performance with its limpid runs" "Oh, come on, Charles." "Where the hell am I gonna get that?" "Now, Margaret, there should be no problem for a person... with your understanding of classical music." "You're absolutely right." "Ifl can't find that record..." "I'll find that Schnabel guy, and I'll bring him here to play it foryou personally." "##[Continues ]" "Excuse me." "Can a person go back for more?" "gee." "I don't know." "Nobody's ever tried." " Okay." "We finally got through to the animal doctor." " What did he say?" "Well, we're still doing nothing, but now we know it's the right thing to do." "He says, if possible, we should not remove the fragments till after the calfis born." " We'd have to use anesthesia, and that could kill the calf." " Oh, dear." "Uh, doyou know when calfwill be born?" "According to the vet, anytime in the next day or two." "Next day or two?" "gentlemen, I've just had a stroke of genius." " Please, keep us in suspense." " A calflottey." "I'll sell a hundred chances at a buck apiece." "Whoever guesses the time ofbirth will win 50 bucks... which means I'll alsowin 50, no matterwhen it's born." "Klinger, it may not be genius, but I definitely thinkyou've had a stroke." "Excuse me, gentlemen." "Opportunity knocks, and I am the doorman." "Oh!" "[Klinger] Okay, Scavelli." "You're down for 1 1:28 tomorrow." "Great time to have a calf." "Careful!" "You're dripping on the sign-up sheet." "What aboutyou, Davidson?" "Saturday afternoon's wide open." "I realize you don 't have a buck on you, but I'll carryyou till tomorrow." " [ Margaret ] Klinger, youejerk!" " [ Man ] What's going on?" " There 's a woman in here." " [ Klinger] See, guys?" "She can 't even wait to place her bet." "You Arabian aardvark!" "You're supposed to be driving me to the airport right now!" "No, I'm not." "That's not until 1 600." "Oops." "Oops, your face!" "You've got five seconds to get myjeep and get me out ofhere!" " Four, three" " But I was in the middle of a hot business transaction." "I'm not gonna miss my airplane over some crazy cow contest!" "Now move it!" "You don't understand." "I haven't even cleared the break-even point." "Ifl don't sell any more tickets, I could lose several shirts." " Can'tyou find anybody else?" " I don't want anybody else." "Nobody knows these roads as well as you do, and anyway, you promised me three days ago." " Okay.Just let me sell a few more tickets." " No!" "And if I miss my airplane..." "I am gonna take a vey heavy object... and makeyour face look like a pizza." " One more ticket." " All right." "Okay." "Okay, okay." " Okay." "Here." "Here. get myjeep." " Uh-huh." "What time?" " Now!" " No!" "I mean for the lottey!" " Make up a time!" "Now scram!" " Scramming, sir." "[Slapping]" "[Hawkeye ] Uh, back." "Behind." "No." "Uh" " Uh" "Rumpelstiltskin!" "No." "Uh, uh" "Tush." "Tush." "Tuchus!" ""Spar-tuchus."" "gentlemen, must we have these mindless children's games... while I am attempting to prepare a lecture?" "Oh, sure." "You got something to occupyyourselfwith." "Uh, rear." "End." "Dead End Kids!" "Ah." "We got nothing to do but sit and wait." "We're on cattle call." "We could be fathers any minute." "So go wait in the maternity barn." "All right." "We'll knock it off, but I gotta get this charade, or I'll go crazy." "Let me giveyou a little hint." "Ty A Tale ofTwo Cities." " That is the stupidest guess I have" " Mmm!" "Mmm!" " That's it?" "That's-A" " Tail!" " Oh, please." " Charles, you're pretty good." "Want to take Hawkeye's place?" "Hunnicutt, even your inane child's game... would be a preferable alternative to preparing a lecture on Levophed." "Taking this drug makes one's blood pressure rise... and reading about it makes one's lids fall." "Charles, I would thinkyou would leap at the opportunity." "Where else could you talk for over a minute without people leaving the room?" "Usuallywhen you run off at the mouth, people run off." "Sory to break up this powwow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab." " Oh." " You get her up on the table." "I'll hold her hand." "Anybody know where I can get a cigar that says "It's a heifer"?" "You coming, Winchester?" "I'll bet a city fella likeyou hasn't had a chance to see this before." "I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrelful oflive squid... but thankyou for making a boring lecture seem like the best job in town." "Klinger, will you hury up with that." "I packed less than this when I moved here." "Hey, hey." "Wh-What's all the commotion?" "Nothing serious." "We're just having a cow." "A cow?" "Now?" "I'll be financially ruined." "Ifyou don't step on it, buster, you're gonna be physically ruined." "How long till the blessed catastrophe?" "Who knows?" "Maybe an hour." "Maybe all day." "Then that means I still got a chance to get back in time to sell more tickets." "Let's go, Major." "I haven't got all day." " [ Margaret ] Can'tyou go any faster?" " [ Klinger] Unfortunately, no." "What's that cow got against me anyway?" "Okay, so I like a good T-bone now and then." "Hold it!" "Hold it!" " Where does that road go?" " To Kimpo." " Is it faster?" " The same way as a barrel is to the bottom of Niagara Falls." "Ifit's faster, then take it." "Look, Major." "No one wants to get to Kimpo any quicker than I do... but I'm telling you, that road is full of rocks and potholes" " Ifit's faster, then take it." " Major, I'm telling you" "This is a U.S. Armyjeep." "It can take anything." "Now turn right." "And that's an order." "[ Sighs ] Okay, Major." "Banzai!" "Can you believe this?" "They can make a bazooka that'll partyour hair from two miles away... but they still haven't found out a way to monitor a cow's blood pressure." "Her pulse is thready." "Must be slowing the blood supply to her uterus." " Probably internal bleeding from the shrapnel." " [ Sighs ]" "There's nothing else we can do now." "I better get that vet on the phone." "Don't look at me that way." "We're doing the best we can." "[ Margaret ] Klinger, stay on the road!" "[ Klinger] This is the road!" "I told you it was rocky." "[ Margaret ] These aren't rocks!" "They're boulders!" "Watch it!" "[ Engine Stops ]" "Why areyou stopping?" "I, uh, wanted to keep going, but I thought I'd staywith the jeep." "[ Engine Cranking ]" "Dosomething!" "Fix it!" "Why didn't I think ofthat?" " [ Chattering ]" " Ladies, you will please takeyour places." "We will begin." "Let's get this overwith as quickly as possible." "As you will have observed, I am not Major Houlihan." "So much the better foryou." "Now then." "Levophed bitartrate is a powerful new vasoconstrictor." "It is to be u" "Lieutenant Nakahara." "What is it?" "Dr. Winchester, could you please slow down so we can take notes?" "Veywell." "It is to be administered... only in cases of severe trauma... until the blood volume has been restored." "Nurse Kellye redux." "What now?" "Uh, to go any slower would be to stop." "Oh, that's not it, Dr. Winchester." "I just thought it might help us to know a little about the histoy of Levophed." "Indeed." "Yesterday this was at "I" Corps." "Today it is here." "But let's not dwell on the past." "Okay." "I got it." "Um, hold on." "Let me see ifl can relay this information." "Hawk." "Hawkeye, ifyou can hear me, Dr. Landau says... first thing to do is stickyour hand inside... and see ifyou can feel the calf's head." "Uh, you're gonna feel a little discomfort... butyou won't be the only one." "[ B.J. ] go in all the way up toyour shoulder ifyou have to." "Just besure not to break the membrane." "Well?" "What's wrong with it?" "Now I know how big that last rockwe hit was." "It's the same size as the hole in the oil pan." "Sory, Major." "This jeep is D.OA." ""Dead on its axles."" "What areyou doing?" "Hey!" "Whereyou going?" "Back to the main road." "Maybe I can catch a ride and still make it." "Major, it'll be dark vey soon... a condition which makes it easy to get lost... then found by a sniper." "Then you might step on a mine, which will getyou to Kimpo in the form of confetti." "Major, there'll be other nights in Tokyo." "It's not worth risking your life over." "You don't understand." "This is not what I planned to be doing tonight." "Well, uh, this may come as a shock... but I'm not exactly having the time of my life either." "Who cares how much fun you're having?" " It's notyour birthday." " Your birthday?" "How comeyou didn't tell anybody?" " Because I didn't want anybody to know." " Why not?" "Because I didn't want them throwing me some stupid party." "Oh, yeah." "That would be rough." " All that fun and celebrating." "Who needs it?" " Celebrating." "Forwhose benefit?" "Just another excuse to get drunk and rowdy for a few hours." "Ifit weren't my birthday, groundhog Daywould do just as well." "I wanted this year to be different." "Something special just for me." "To be with somebody I chose- somebody I wanted to be with- do the things I wanted to do." "Is that too much to ask for one stinking day in theyear?" "Look at me." "Sitting by the side ofthe road in the middle of nowhere with not even a birthday hat." "There's a newspaper in the jeep." "I'll makeyou a birthday hat." "I hate birthday hats." "Come on, cow." "Push." "I'm afraid she doesn't have the strength to helpyou out." "Her pulse is getting weaker by the minute." "Please, there must be something you can do." "Believe me." "Ifwe knew ofanything, we'd ty it." "Colonel, Hawk." "Dr. Landau says the onlyway to save the cow... might be to dismember the calf so she can deliver it easier." "Well, maybe, but there's no guarantee that the cow would be able to make it anyway." "This isn't just a house pet." "It's his livelihood." "You've gotta do something." "Ifher blood pressure weren't so damn low, we could do a cesarean section." "Ifher blood pressure weren't so low, she could deliver the calf on her own." "Too bad she isn't human." "That batch of Levophed that came in todaywould be just the ticket." " What have we got to lose?" " I saywe turn that cow into a guinea pig." ""Any doubt whatsoever, always checkwith the case physician."" "Well, that concludes our little lecture on the administration of Levophed." "Hopeyou've enjoyed it more than I have." "And in closing, let me just say..." " good-bye." " [DoorOpens ]" " Winchester." " Hello. good-bye." "Uh, not so fast, Professor." "Class might be over, but the lab work's just about to begin." " What does that mean?" " Your students are gonna get a firsthand demonstration..." " ofthe administration of Levophed." " On whom?" "The only pregnant lady in camp." "[ Chuckles ] Colonel..." "I do not make stable calls, and I do not treat patients who graze." "Move it, Major, or I'm gonna grazeyourjaw with the old Missouri soupbone." "Class adjourned." "To the compound." "[Animals Croaking, Chirping]" "Major." "Happy birthday." "Better hury and make a wish before the match goes out." "Oops." "Too late." "I know it's not much, but it's better than nothing." "Maybe." "I don't want your sympathy, Klinger." "That's worse than nothing." "Well, uh..." "I'll just leave it here... in caseyou changeyour mind." "Somewhere a multitude ofWinchesters are doing somersaults in their graves." "At leastyou're losing your dignity in a worthy cause, Major." "This could be a whole new career foryou: pet obstetrician." "Only doctor in Boston with a salt lick in his office." " [ Chuckles ]" " Uh, hold it, boys." "That Levophed's got her pulse bouncing back like Mildred's sponge cake." "Which means junior should be making a grand entrance any minute now." " Oh!" "Make that any second." " [Hawkeye ] Oh, look!" "There it comes!" " There it comes." " [ B.J. ] Hey." "The foot's comin' out." " Does that mean it's a breech?" " No." "That's the front foot." "The head's next." "It went back in." "What'd she do?" "Change her mind?" " The foot went back in." "What does that mean?" " It be right back out." " There it is." "There it comes." "There it is." " A nose!" "A nose!" "Hello, nose." "Oh, look at this." "She's sucking my fingers already." "It's not even halfway out, and it's already sucking." "Isn't that incredible?" " That's a good vital sign." " Come on." "There it is!" "There it is!" "There it is!" "All the way out." " [ gasping ]" " Well, hello, little lady." "Welcome to theworld." "Isn't she beautiful?" "Looks just like her mama." "This is indeed a blessed event." "All we gotta do is dress some old warwounds, and we're in business." "I want to thankyou all vey, vey much." " Don't mention it." " I certainlywon't." "Class... dismissed." "[ Chattering ]" " Whoa." "We have our own little stampede here." " [ Laughing ]" "I got a halfa bran muffin, goin' cheap." " I got halfa flask of cheap scotch, going fast." " Hmm." "Want to swap?" " I- - [ Chuckles ]" "That was a vey nice gesture." "The cake, I mean." " I'm sory forwhat I said." " Ah, no problem." "I guess I just didn't want anybody feeling sory for me." " That was a pleasure I wanted to reserve all to myself." " Look." "I know howyou feel." "One time, I remember, I was tying to get to Akron for the statewide bowling tourney." "Well, all the buses were canceled on account of snow." "So me and my cousin Adeeb" "Okay." "So I don't know how you feel." "There are so many things I was so sure I'd have in my life by now." "And evey Christmas, evey birthday" "All those milestones..." "just remind me ofwhat's still not there." "And today turned out to be just another day in the middle of nowhere." "You know, Klinger, I envyyou." "Areyou kidding?" "Forwhat?" "For one thing, the wayyour face lights up when you talk about Toledo." "Yeah." "It's a great place." "Klinger, I've been there." "What's so great about it is that it's your hometown." "Army brats like me don't have hometowns." "I mean, I neverwent to the same school twoyears in a row." "Wow!" "I was once in the same grade for twoyears in a row." "Yeah." "That-That must have been rough foryou." "I remember how we always used to razz new kids." "I never thought about it from their side." "I guess we were kind ofjerks." "After a while, I'd- I'd ty to make friends... and as soon as I did, sure enough- [ Snaps Fingers ] we'd have to move out again." "And it always hurt." "Finally, I decided not to let anyone get close enough to hurt me again." "I guess I'm still doing that." "Hey." "Nobody's perfect." "I know eveybody thinks I'm... tough, demanding, insensitive... cold, callous, crabby" "Feel free to disagree at any time." "Think ofit this way." "Maybeyou are all that stuff, but deep down underneath..." "I think maybe there's some more stuff that's... pretty good stuff." "You know?" "That's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever tried to say to me." " Thanks." " Sure." "Happy birthday." " Hi." " Hi, eveybody." " [ B.J. ] Oh, hi." " Ah!" "Lookwhat the war dragged in." " Margaret, what areyou doing back so early?" " We never made it to the plane." "Jeep broke down." "We had to hitch a ride back." " Well, you sure missed out on the excitement." " Oh, no." "Don't tell me." "Yep." "We had ourselves a bright, bouncing baby calf." " Ahhh." " I'm a dead man." "How many people know?" "Well, there's the cow and the rest ofthe camp." "What was the time ofarrival?" "Just so I'll knowwho to avoid." " Must have been around 1 0:00." " Around 1 0:00?" "gee, I'd love to pay off, but there's no way I can without an exact official time ofbirth." "[ All ] 1 0:07!" "Maybe I can postdate a check till 1 960." "And the winner is..." " Major Margaret Houlihan." " [ Laughing ]" "Major, I can't giveyou 50 bucks." "I only collected 1 0." "Okay." "I'm a softy." "You can forget the $50." "Aw, thankyou." "A million thank-yous." "My thank-yous thankyou." "On second thought, I'll take the 1 0." " Huh?" " There's somebody I want to buy a present for."