"23.976 fps" "Narrator" " Greetings, Survivors." "and welcome to The Way The World Ended - the living video chronicle of the destruction of mankind and of our Planet Earth in the early 21st century." "For more information on what you see please feel free to touch the screen at any time." "When the presentation has ended, please follow the on-screen instructions in order to expedite your rescue." "Let's begin now." "Wise guy eh?" "Come on." "Give me one, right here." "Come on!" "Come on, hit me." "Come on!" "Slangman:" "Mutants." "Genetically twisted offshoots of the human race." "They all wanted my book because my book had words." "They thought it was magic." "I let them believe it." "But that was how I made my living." "Slangman!" "Slangman!" "Slangman " "You're just in time to join us for dinner." "We're having sand." "Thank you but no, Your Flatulency." "I hunger not." "How long it been since you come and bring us good things to make us smart?" "It has been one standard year, Your Insolence." "I have been on caravan in the south, collecting a number of new archaeological items that perhaps you may find to be of commercial viability." "I have some new shit." "Goodie, goodie!" "New shit!" "Show me!" "Show me!" "Behold..." ""Charmin!"" "What dat for?" "Well, uh, polishing chrome, I suppose." ""Chrome?"" "Would you like to know the definition of the word "chrome?"" "Yes!" "Five batteries please." "Yes, you like batteries, don't you?" "I like Charmin." "The definition of the word "chrome..."" ""Noun."" ""Chrome."" ""Chromium or chromium alloy."" "Beautiful." "Don't squeeze the Charmin!" "Slangman..." "How much for the book?" "Well, Your Bestiflity," "I'm afraid my book is not for sale." "Slangman, I won't repeat myself again." "How much for the book?" "How much for the book!" "?" "My book, Your Debauchery, is the last one in existence." "And like I said, is not for sale." "Arrrgh!" "Human dog!" "I take what I wish!" "I am king here!" "And I am Slangman!" "The most intelligent man in the Known World!" "How DARE you threaten me, you wretched... insolent mutant!" "KILL HIM ALIVE!" "Stand back!" "I'm holding... a grenade!" "Bring me that book!" "Bring me that book!" "Great omnipotence!" "He's found THE SOURCE!" "Hey!" "You there!" "Friday!" "Narrator" " Our story begins in the year 2009, which was the year the peoples of the Earth had finally achieved true world peace." "A newly-revitalized United Nations passed the Global Freedom and Equality Act soon after" "ensuring every citizen of the world those same civil liberties and standards of living enjoyed by those of free western Nations." "2011 was the year in which a unified body of world scientists discovered the X-vaccine, which wiped out every last form of disease from cancer on down to the common cold." "Later that same year, global warming was reversed, the tropical rainforests were replenished, and the ozone layer was repaired." "One year Later, in 2012, world peace had so benefitted the economies and growths of the Earth's Nations, the leaders of the world unanimously voted to undertake the most massive effort in world history towards a lasting global peace... they ratified a world government." "And they called it the United Nations of Earth." "Say that again." "Once more." "Again?" "I see." "Open your mouth." "Thank you." "You may close your mouth." "I have come to the distinct conclusion, that you, my little beast friend, have no tongue and therefore, you cannot speak." "So... what is your name?" "I see." "So... what would you like me to call you?" "Oh come come, don't waste my time." "You need a name." "I can't just run around calling you "Idiot Boy," now can I?" "I shall now think of a name for you..." "You're good with spears..." "You're a savage..." "You wear a skirt." "Don't have a temper with me, you savage, you idiot boy!" "Now until you can think of a better one," "I shall call you "ATLATL."" "It is the ancient American word meaning "spear with great leverge. "" "Now once more..." "Where did you find this?" "Couldn't you at least draw it for me?" "!" "What, north?" "You're pointing north?" "North?" "To the north?" "You mean, THAT north?" "Mutants." "Damn." "Damn." "He was a man, yet he was a beast." "He was a true idiot boy in every sense of the word." "He could not speak, yet he was able to tell me through much painstaking translation of his grunts and groans of how he came into possession of this golden disc." "He was a slave in north and his master was a wicked mutant who was in search of THE SOURCE." "Nobody had ever seen The Source, but it said that he who found it found an oracle of eternal knowledge." "The mutant cut out his tongue, but the savage escaped in the night." "He took the disc with him and headed south." "He sought me out because he believed The Source could give him back his tongue and he had heard of my quest and of the whispered rumours of my awesome intelligence." "They're not rumors" "Now with the savage, I headed north... even deeper into the Great sand Nothing..." "Far, far from any human settlement." "Farther north than I had ever been." "North to the Source!" "This idiot boy would lead me to where he found the disc and The Source would have to be near." "The Source was said to contain a thousand of these golden discs, and each of them contained a thousand times more knowledge than my precious book." "I sought that knowledge since I was a child." "Perhaps he could not fully grasp its power, but his killing prowess would prove useful," "I was certain, should I run into any more mutants or nomads." "Hail and good morning to you." "may we pass through?" "Say what?" "I Say, may we pass through here?" "No, piss off." "I'm afraid we're going to have to bargain with these fellows." "No!" "Don't do that." "We can't fight." "We have to bargain. "BAR-GAIN."" "Now you safy close and watch me." "I'll show you how a civilized person gets things done." "Hey you!" "Shithead!" "What?" "Not you, I'm talking to HIM." "But MY name is Shithead!" "Fine!" "Go suck a rock!" "Hey YOU!" "I would like to propose " "Oh!" "Marriage?" "I can't marry you." "You're not my type." "Much too hairy." "Oh!" "Propose a toast?" "Sorry, I don't drink." "I used to, until I pissed out that big rock up there." "It's magical, you know." "Protects the tribe, keeps us warm, and wards off evil spirits." "Yes yes, that's Great." "Spare me!" "Now listen." "I would like to propose a bargain." "A bargain?" "Yes, a "bar-gain."" "You and your tribe move your camp and paraphernalia out of the way just long enough for my servant and I to pass through..." "In return, I'll give you, absolutely free, this wonderful, magical, highly useful and practical egg beater." "But I've got one." "What's "praphernalia?"" "Look here now, I'll give you the egg beater AND" "AND I'll give you this completely utilitarian, positively pragmatic one-of-a-kind can of... uh biodegradeable, uh, carbonated pseudoformula." "Is that a grenade?" "No..." "It's a "soda."" "Do you eat it?" "You drink it." "You open it from the top, here, and hold it to your lips and presto!" "Out it comes!" "And you drink it." "Why would you want to drink a grenade?" "It is not a grenade!" "It's a soda!" "It's a grenade!" "Grenade!" "Grenade!" "Grenade!" "Shut up!" "Shut up!" "It is just a soda!" "A drink!" "You drink it!" "Get it?" "Whenever you feel thirsty you just open it up and drink it!" "But I'm never thirsty." "Well you may become thirsty," "What with all this walking around in the desert all the time." "This isn't a desert." "What!" "?" "It's a swamp." "It's a swamp." "You betcha." "Swamp?" "Swamp, Swamp Swamp..." "The nomads would simply not move." "I wanted to keep negotiating, but the savage would have none of it." "He slew them brutally, as is the way of his peoples." "I stood upon the high rocks and looked out at the last green lands" "I would ever see." "Somewhere out there in the mutant wastelands, my destiny awaited me." "The weight of the world was in my hands." "I was the last hope for mankind." "Under the new world government, mankind flourished." "All the world was finally happy." "And as an effort to bring the people of the world into the final embodiment of global unity, leading scientists were assembled to undertake a massive, worldwide experiment." "At Lunar Labs, Dr. Theodore Wegener developed what had become known as the Pangaea Project" "A network of orbital satellites which used an array of powerful gravity beams to induce continental drift." "The ultimate goal... to bring the continents of Earth together into one single supercontinent, called New Pangaea." "Creating a world without borders, and bringing the brotherhood of man together on one big happy landmass." "I'm clean" "You should jump on me" "Like a shit shake for mom" "Like a ham on rye" "Like" "Oh yeah..." "A ham on rye" "What'll you have?" "Coffee." "Hey baby, how about you buy me a drink?" "Yuck...!" "John, I can't live with you no more." "Linda, don't leave me." "I need you." "John, I found, I found the pictures." "Linda, Linda, Linda, not the pictures." "John, how could you?" "Um, she was hardly a... um, a yearling." "Dammit!" "I couldn't help my Damn self!" "It was my loins!" "They ached for love and affliction!" "John, you're a no-good, scum-filching bastard." "bastard!" "Bitch!" "bastard!" "Bitch!" "bastard!" "Bitch!" "From out of the deserts bowels she came." "A fountain of bliss." "A pantheon of goddesses all shaped with perfect fiery perfection into one single, magnificent beauty." "It was then for the first time that I knew that I had known" "love." "Hello?" "Miss Horusa?" "Miss Femme?" "Are you in?" "that must be for me, it's my chocolates!" "What do you want?" "Greetings." "My name is Slangman, and I wanted to give these to..." "Fine." "Thanks." "What are you?" "Some sort of celebrity stalker?" "No madam, I am Slangm" "Look, goober, strict policy" "No autographs!" "Beat it!" "Oooh!" "Shiny!" "Put that down!" "It's sharp!" "Just give it to me!" "can I have some more please?" "Femme!" "Stop!" "I mean it this time." "Just stop." "Hi stalker!" "Come to kill me?" "Great!" "Go ahead kill me!" "I'm ready to die for my art!" "Aren't you the goober we told to leave?" "How much do you want for her?" "How much do I want for what?" "Her!" "Your acting partner." "How much?" "How much do I want for HER?" "You want to BUY Femme?" "You are a sick man." "How much?" "It's sparkly and pretty." "I love it!" "Well, I'd be out an acting partner for the show and that's my whole livelihood." "Then again I'd miss those... deep political conversations." "How much?" "3000 d-cells." "Up front." "that's a lot of money." "It's a lot of woman." "What if I gave you something more valuable than money?" "Like what?" "And just look at that whipped cream!" "See it?" "Three holes!" "And it has a shelf life of over 8000 years!" "You don't even have to eat it!" "You could just " "I could wear it around my neck!" "I could put it by the dresser!" "I could wear it in my hair!" "I could " "Dance around it naked!" "Delicious!" "Hey, where are we going?" "Put me down." "I've been an actress ever since I can remember which isn't that far back but I think I was born when I was five because my feet are bigger than my hands" "Fascinating." "Would you like to see a picture of my mother?" "I would love to." "I don't think this is your mother." "You don't think so?" "You know, you're not only very beautiful you're incredibly intelligent much like myself." "You know, I have people tell me that all the time" "You know... two plus two equals three" "Excedrin, Excedrin" "Anyways, so what are you gonna do with me now that I'm your personal sex slave?" "Sex slave?" "You aren't my slave, my love." "You're free." "Free to do what you want, any ole time." "I don't OWN you." "No one does." "Say that again slow." "You... are... free." "Nobody rides for free!" "Don't call me a pony!" "She enticed me with her tricks of the mind." "Well anyways, you know, my dad, had like this eyeball, that like, grew out of his butt." "Yet her love brought water to my dry pastures" "And that night, she inspired me to an ominous dream..." "No!" "No!" "Not that one!" "The dream AFTER that one!" "After!" "I dreamed I had crossed the desert." "I was carrying a heavy black box, with a window." "And I looked into the window and saw something something wonderful" "I was inside of The Source!" "And all of the knowledge of the ancient world was standing before me in giant towers" "Books like mine for as far as the eye could see" "But right before it ended," "I turned around and saw a man." "Ham on rye, Slangman?" "How would you like some ham on rye?" "And this man... would destroy the world" "And this man was me." "My brilliance." "She even sleeps beautifully." "What the hell are you doing!" "?" "Your hair!" "I bought a bald woman." "I'm not bald." "Where are we going?" "North!" "North!" "Okay?" "I can't believe I bought a bald woman." "You know, I like you or something." "Great." "You're smart." "?" "The boundaries of my mind are in-fie-nite." "So, what's your name?" "Slangman!" "As in Slang... man as in "SLANGMAN"" "as in MAN OF SLANG, got it?" "that's a stupid name." "I happen to like it!" "I don't care what you think!" "You know what YOUR name means?" "What's "Slangman" mean?" "I can't believe that you have no idea who I am." "I am THE Slangman." "I sell words." "I sell knowledge." "I profit off the stupidity of the world, and you're Damn lucky I'm not profiting off of you!" "I was just trying to be nice, you didn't have to pull off my hair, you dickmo." "Well you're doing a good job, aren't you?" "Look, you're free now." "Why don't you just run along and find yourself a nice bald man?" "You hate me!" "Yes!" "Hey..." "Femme..." "I don't "hate" you." "You don't?" "No." "Okay?" "Okay." "Better?" "Better." "You sure?" "Great." "I have something for you." "Wow!" "what's it Say?" "It Says "At least you have a Great personality," ""Best regards, Slangman"" "Oh Thank you Slangman!" "that's so nice of you!" "I've never had anything like this before!" "Pangaea Project fever is alive and well down here in Baja Mexico." "We're all waiting for the satellite waves to hit." "The waves are due to hit in about ten minutes." "They're gonna fire lasers right down into the planet." "Bring everyone "closer together."" "Bells are ringing, children are singing." "Guess what?" "Bob Rock doesn't Hear it." "Is Bob Rock deaf?" "I don't know why this is happening." "It's ridiculous!" "France is fine where it is!" "To hell with all of this cultural blending bullshit anyhow!" "I knew we must be getting close to The Source." "The further north we went, the more peculiar and Dangerous the world got." "Every day was a new test of will as if the ghosts of the ancients themselves were out to stop me" "And it seemed that no matter how long or how far we walked we were never any closer to The Source" "Until one day." "I'm cold." "Shut up." "I'm hungry." "Quiet!" "I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I have to go pee!" "Will you please be quiet!" "My mind is working!" "Slangman... is that the Whatever you called it" "Source thingamajigger thingy?" "Behold!" "All the world was doomed to the flames of prescription!" "Woe be to ye!" "Woe be to your offspring!" "Woe be to your offsprings' voodoo love rituals!" "Who are you?" "What do you want of us?" "You do this... for a living?" "that's right baby!" "You just met Brother Alfonze, baby!" "man of hair, man of face, man of art man of power, power, power!" "Out of my way, you child" "I have an important mission to carry out" "You have a date with doom, Brother Slangman." "You know my name!" "Surely the stories of my exploits are not heard this far north!" "Sit, brother, on my lawn chairs of power." "And all will become known." "You got a place to go pee?" "Around back." "Dig a hole." "Let mother Nature do the rest." "Look, I don't have time to sit around here all day on your lousy little lawn chairs." "Tell me how you know my name." "The Brother Alfonze knows all, sees all, tastes all with his wicked tongue of power." "Oh yeah?" "Then what's HIS name?" "McDougal." "Ha!" "You're wrong!" "It's "Atlatl!"" "You're nothing but a charlatan!" "A sham!" "We're going!" "Hold it son." "If you want The Source, then you stand to chap my hide." "YOU know of The Source?" "I do." "It is guarded by The Electrified Dune." "The Electrified Dune?" "Once again the knowledge of Brother Alfonze seems to be greater than that of good brother Handstand man." "that's "SLANG" man." "And don't even think that you are smarter than me." "Because you're not." "The electrified dune is a mighty chunk of land that lies before the Source, Making it unreachable to man or muffin." "You ever smoked... sand?" "The sand will shock the soles of your feet, baby, and your soul from your soul's vessel, the almighty body." "Electricity in the sand!" "Bah!" "that is but a simple obstacle for the magnitude of my intellect." "There must be some way to cross this" ""Electrified Dune. "" "baby, baby, baby," "The Source is not meant to be disturbed." "that's ludicrous!" "Everything is meant to be disturbed!" "The Source is the last fragment of an old dead world, brother." "We find ourselves in a new one in a fresh one in a world of power, power, power!" "To rediscover the knowledge that the Ancients had perfected" "Hey!" "Those are my clothes!" "is to rediscover our own heritage as human beings!" "Rubber!" "leave it be, brother!" "leave it be!" "Everything is corroding to the plan!" "Mother Nature took a big black shit on man and man ain't in no position to shit back." "The Source holds dark and Dangerous secrets that this world cannot possibly comprehend." "Oh yes?" "Well comprehend THIS!" "We're doomed..." "We're doomed!" "The Pangaea Project was a total disaster." "mankind had never experienced such death and destruction on so massive a scale." "The gravity beams from the satellites shredded coastlines, pushing continents much too far, much too fast." "Mountains folded, titanic rifts in the crust opened up, and whole continents sank into the sea." "The world government instantly collapsed, and within hours, 45 Nations launched full-scale nuclear strikes against each other." "On one single day, November 1, 2013, ten thousand years of human civilization was wiped from the face of the Earth." "Is this or is this not the place you escaped from?" "Then the Source MUST be nearby." "Brother Alfonze, you and Atlatl will wait here and make camp." "Femme and I are going to take a look around those dunes." "Here." "Hang on to this." "If I am not back in one hour, come looking for me." "Why do I have to go too?" "Because!" "Okay." "One hour." "Mutants." "Damn." "has it been an hour?" "Hour?" "Hour?" "So what you're Saying is that the world is this big round ball and it's round and stuff." "that is exactly what I said." "But here's where I gotcha okay?" "If the world is this big round ball, then how come we don't just fall off?" "Because of something called "gra-viddy. "" "What's gra-viddy?" "Well, it's like glue" "Well what's glue?" "You hit a girl!" "You can't hit a girl!" "We meet again, slave." "The Golden Disc is mine and you will give it to me now." "Then I will piss all over your Scottish corpse." "I'll have you know, I'm not accustomed to being treated in such a foul manner!" "yeah!" "Energy, energy energy!" "You bore me." "Allow me to let someone else introduce myself." "He is Doctor Obvious, Enlightener of All Mutants," "Bringer of Knowledge and Vocka-bulary to the ruined lands of New Pangaea, and smartest man in the Known World." "No I don't think so!" "But I thought YOU were the smartest man in the known" "And who might you be?" "The name's Slangman." "One word." "As in "Slang man"" "As in "The man of Slang"" "As in "THE Slangman"" "Oh, THE Slangman." "As opposed to all those" "OTHER slangmen out there." "What I wouldn't do for a quick wit like that." "Thank you Anna." "Anna reports there were two more of you, back at the ruins." "They're dead." "I killed them." "A true man of science." "They were no longer of any use to me." "But the girl..." "Ah, yes." "The girl." "Milady, thou art the very fart of a rose." "Thank you." "You beautiful pony." "Thanks." "So you're here for The Source." "I can assure you that meant no intrusion upon you or your staff of friendly professionals." "Woman, binoculars." "I have scoured the corpses of cities on ten horizons." "I've battled roving packs of mutants who've craved my flesh and I've scaled one end of this desolate world to the other in search of this, this "Source."" "And this..." "THIS is what I find." "have a look." "that's it?" "You can't escape, slave." "You've been... inside?" "Yes." "It was buried." "Sealed in rock." "Tell me. what did you find?" "What do you think I found?" "An oracle of Great wisdom." "Knowledge so blinding, that it caused you to go bald." "Nope." "Then what?" "Electric power." "Bah!" "It's a power plant." "It makes electricity." "The source of all power for the ancient world." "Cook your food, freeze your food, see in the dark, live better electrically!" "What folly!" "As we speak, it's mechanisms lie dormant... for now." "I await the return of my courier who brings with him the key to The Source's power... a golden disc." "What color was it?" "Golden!" "Oh wow!" "We have one!" "Bitch." "Excuse me?" "Excuse me?" "And then we met this guy and he was wearing a potato sack and he had a rake" "And then we smoked some sand." "And then we saw this other guy and he was riding a bike and then he started riding his bike toward us, it was really neat!" "But anyways, we're here." "Ta-da!" "Anyways, so did you know that we all live on a big round ball?" "Obvious!" "I beg you!" "The Source is our only link to the past!" "If I cannot Do you have any idea What the world was like?" "Of course I do!" "The world was beautifully violent!" "It was a black mass of brutality!" "It was not so!" "I tell you it was!" "It wasn't!" "Our world was a paradise!" "There was no war!" "There was no killing!" "Only knowledge!" "There was only power!" "Knowledge!" "Power!" "Knowledge!" "Power!" "Knowledge!" "POWER!" "KNOWLEDGE!" "BITCH!" "POWER!" "BASTARD!" "KNOWLEDGE!" "POWER!" "BITCH!" "BASTARD!" "KNOWLEDGE!" "POWER!" "KNOWLEDGE!" "BITCH!" "Isn't this a creamy peach?" "Look who's about to eat yellow Jell-O." "I hope you like the taste, slave." "Oh I forgot." "You have no taste!" "Because I cut out your tongue." "You know, I've been waiting for a time like this to partake in its wholesome flavor." "Golden disc?" "Never!" "Golden disc?" "Never!" "Golden disc?" "Please!" "Not my book!" "Golden disc!" "?" "!" "You're Making me cry!" "You're Making him cry!" "Why don't you get it?" "I'm the last hope for mankind!" "I can turn all of this around!" "But I'M supposed to do that!" "WHERE is my golden disc?" "You can chop off our heads, but you can't chop off our human spirits!" "Femme, babe, you got me all wrong." "I'm not the type of guy who chops off heads." "whistling imitation of Malathion man's spray tank" "Ah!" "Malathion man!" "Where is my golden disc?" "whistling turns into ravel's "Bolero"" "The Golden Disc!" "Ookla!" "Ariel!" "Ride!" "Energy!" "Energy!" "Energy!" "Bring me that book!" "And kill him alive!" "Stop!" "Or I'll fetch the weapon of God!" "Alright, you asked for it." "Not him!" "The other guy!" "The other guy!" "Hey babies!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "Not too shabby, not too shabby." "Brother Alfonze, you're just in time to see me illuminate the world with knowledge." "Slang baby please!" "I'm warning you for the last time!" "If you open The Source, then everything we have left will be lost!" "Let's hope this rubber suit insulates me." "Hey!" "This looks better on you than it does on me!" "Oh for crying out loud!" "This sand isn't electrified!" "What a load of feces!" "I didn't Say "electrified," baby!" "You said it was electrified!" "I said it was charged! "Charged!"" "And charged it be with a prescription of doom and power!" "Bah!" "that is what a tongue is for!" "Don't call me a pony!" "Run woman!" "Run if you value your pathetic little simian mind!" "Femme!" "The other way!" "The other way!" "Okay!" "Slangman, heed!" "Hear my words!" "It is forseen!" "If you set foot in that most blasphemous place you will unleash upon this Earth destruction and doom of the highest most deadly" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "Power!" "POWER!" "Archaeology!" "Slangman!" "Drop that disc or I'll blow you up!" "Run!" "Retreat!" "Run for your lives!" "Slangman!" "Look at me!" "I'm about to enter The Source with the Golden Disc and you are about to be blown into the deep and juicy pits of hell HELL!" "beautiful!" "I'll be goddamned." "Damn!" "Ow!" "Hey." "I can see my house from up here." "The Source" "No books." "Narrator" " Greetings, Survivors." "and welcome to The way The World Ended - the living video chronicle of the destruction of mankind... and of our Planet Earth in the efrly 21st century and within hours, 45 Nations launched full-scale nuclear strikes against each other." "On one single day, November 1, 2013, ten thousand years of human civilization was wiped from the face of the Earth." "The way The World Ended was a documentary made possible by" "Lunar Labs, "Making Tomorrow a Better place to Be. "" "Please stand in front of the video monitor and push the simple red button to begin your emergency transmission." "Slangman:" "I had finally learned the secrets of the ancients." "The Source didn't turn out to be my oracle of ancient wisdom, nor was it the apocalyptic nightmare that Brother Alfonze had prophesized." "It was merely a beacon." "A waypoint from this world to a better one." "And at that crucial moment, I became history." "For I, Slangman would lead the way." "Atlatl, witness this." "For today begins a brand new world." "Beacon activated." "Beacon activated." "Computer Alarm Voice:" "Attention Moonbase Personnel." "Please evacuate immediately." "All Moonbase Personnel" "Please evacuate immediately." "Emergency." "Please evacuate immediately." "This is not a drill." "Attention hive!" "We have just received a transmission fron the blue planet." "It is not a lifeless moon as we had previously thought." "Go there and wipe out the rest of these vermin." "Conquer!" "Destroy!" "Eliminate!" "(etc.)" "Subtitles by Eazin"