"Hey, Pheebs," "I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow night." "Do you want to come?" "Sure, yeah." "He's kind of sexy." "Oh, no, I'll be there, too." "Okay, so we'll just come up with some kind of signal." "If it's going well, you can take off." "No, Pheeb, I just need you there for support." "I haven't told him that I'm pregnant yet." "Oh." "Why not?" "Because I know he's going to flip out and I hate it when he gets angry." "Oh, Rachel, this is all so "Papa Don't Preach."" "Pheeb, wait." "He's a scary guy." "One time he caught me smoking he said if he ever saw me doing that again he would make me eat the entire pack." "Wow." "Well, I will be there." "Okay." "Gosh, I'm not going to let that man make you eat your baby." "Oh, hey, who is that guy?" "I think I know him." "No, you don't." "No, you don't." "Oh, my God!" "Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party!" "," "Her what?" "Your secret bachelorette party." "You had a bachelorette party?" "She untied his G-string with her teeth." "Somebody stop me!" "I thought we weren't going to have bachelor- bachelorette parties." "We agreed that it was a silly tradition." "It's a grand tradition." "I'm sorry." "They surprised me." "There was nothing I could do.," "Well, you could have untied it with your hands." "This is so unfair." "The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend a bachelor party, but, oh, I wasn't allowed to.," "All I got was a stupid steak dinner." "You went home with the waitress." "Yeah, that was a pretty good night." "I can't believe you didn't tell me." "You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty." "I knew giving you that book was going to come back and bite me in the ass." "F*R*I*E*N*D*S" "How about I order everyone the Moroccan Chicken?" "Oh, I-I don't eat meat." "It's chicken." "Yeah, I don't eat that, either." "I'll never understand you lesbians." "So, baby tell me, what is new with you?" "Well, actually, um..." "Your '74 Lafitte, sir." "'74?" "I ordered the '75." "That's a magnificent wine." "The '74 is sewage." "Why would you bring me sewage?" "Is that a hard question?" "Are you an idiot?" "Is that why you're a waiter?" "This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight." "Oh, come on!" "Don't be such a baby." "In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man." "But he's right, though." "The '74 is absolute piss." "This was such a huge mistake." "I can't tell him, Phoebe." "I can't, I can't, I..." " Rachel..." " No, it's okay." "This is what's going to happen." "I'm going to wait a couple of years and then the baby will tell him." "Why, so he can get mad at the baby?" "Hey, that is the... baby's problem." "Oh, everything okay with the waiter?" "I have no idea." "I went to the bathroom." "So sweetie you were starting to tell me what is, uh what is new with you." "Well..." "Um..." "I got TiVo." "What's TiVo?" "It's slang for pregnant." "Phoebe!" "Are you really pregnant?" "Well, uh, yes and no." "Except not no." "So to sum it up, yeah." "Who is the father?" "Oh, no, please don't tell me it's her." "No, it's Ross." "It's Ross." "You like Ross." "Oh, Daddy I hope you're okay with all this." "Think about it." "This is a good thing." "You're going to... this is your first grandchild." "You're going to be a "Poppy."" "That's true." " A Poppy." " Yeah!" "I'm going to be a Poppy!" "Oh!" "So, when is the wedding?" "Uh, the who?" "The wedding." "There's going to be a wedding." "Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me that my first grandchild's going to be a bastard." "Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's going to be a wedding!" "February second." "So, it was really cool seeing you lecture today." "Oh, thanks... although you kind of seemed like you were falling asleep there a little." "Oh, no, no." "I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and, you know, take it all in." "Yeah, a lot of my students do that." "So, um, I got to get going." "Okay, I'll see you tonight?" " Yeah, okay." " Okay, bye." "Oh..." "Hey, thanks again for showing me your semiprecious stone collection." "It was amazing." "My God, you must be good in bed." "So, you and Laura?" "It's been a while now." "How's it going?" "It's good." "It's going good." "I mean, we get along great." "She's... she's so..." "Hot?" "Well, I-I was going to say sweet, but yuh-huh." "And she's okay with Rachel and the baby?" "Uh, I haven't actually told her yet." "I don't want to scare her off, you know?" "Well, you have to be honest with her." "Otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path but you're really going down different ones." "I'm going to take that book and I'm going to beat you to death with it." "Oh, my God, you are going to love me so much." "I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing so tonight... you're going to have a bachelor party." "What?" "Yeah." "I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you." "Am I going in the Wife Hall of Fame or what?" "!" "Honey, that's crazy." "I don't want you to get me a stripper." "Will you let the lady talk?" "!" "Come on." "Come on." "It'll be fun." "It'll make me feel so much better." "Look, I appreciate it, but it's a little creepy, you know?" "I'm not a bachelor anymore." "So don't think of it as a bachelor party." "Think of it as a two-month anniversary present." "Sure." "One year is paper, but two months is lap dance." "Please?" "I feel so bad." "Just watch the hot woman get naked." "All right, fine." "But I'm only doing this for you." "Yeah!" "And Joey." "Thank you-- and who else do you want to invite?" "Uh, no, no, no." "Just Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough." "Uh, actually, sorry, I can't even make it." "I'm seeing Mona again tonight." "I understand." "I wouldn't want you to cancel an actual date just to go to a fake bachelor party." "I'm sorry I got to cancel tonight, baby." "I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day." "I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah." "I know, I know." "I panicked." "I panicked." "I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some... '74 LaTour." "It's La Fitte-- the '74 LaTour is actually drinking quite nicely." "All right, here he comes." "I'm going to do this." "I'm going to tell him." "I'm going to be strong." "I just called a friend of mine." "Yeah?" "I think I may be able to book the Plaza on short notice." "Really?" "The Plaza?" "!" "Oh, Daddy!" "Oh, my..." "Right..." "Daddy I need to talk to you." "Please, sit down." "What is it, sweetie?" "There's not going to be a wedding." "Ross and I are not getting married." "What?" "I'm sorry, Daddy." "I don't believe this!" "Daddy, stay calm, please." "Stay calm?" "!" "How do you expect me to stay calm?" "This is unacceptable, Rachel." "And I want to know why!" "Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?" "That's it." "Is that it?" "!" "Yes, yes, he says I'm damaged goods." "So, you nervous about getting married?" "What are you doing?" "Look, let's pretend it's a real bachelor party, okay?" "You know, before your wedding." "It'll be more fun." "All right." "I can't believe tomorrow's the big day." "Yeah, how does it feel, knowing you're... never going to be with another woman again, huh?" "Knowing you're going to have to wake up to the same face everyday until you finally have the sweet release of death." "You're right." "This is more fun." "That's her." "Okay, come on." "Hi." "Hi." "So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?" "Uh, that-that's me." "That's me." "Joey Tribbiani." "Big fan." "So, is that a bedroom?" "Yeah, right over there." "All right, whenever you're ready." "That was weird." "W-why would she go in the bedroom?" "I'm waiting!" "So she's a..." "Yes, that's one naked hooker." "I love your place." "Where's this guy from?" "That's an 18th century Indian artifact from Calcutta." "Oh." "Wow." "So, you're more than just dinosaurs." "So much more." "Mmm." "Oh!" "Oh, my God." "Oh, my God, I am so sorry." "Uh, forget it." "It's from Pier One." "Sorry." "You think you can knock up my daughter and then not marry her?" "I ought to kill you!" "You know, this is actually not a great time for me?" "So?" "Come on." "Explain yourself, Geller." "First you get my Rachel pregnant." "You got Rachel pregnant?" "Who did?" "You did." "Yes." "Yes, yes, I did, but-but it was just a one-night thing." "It meant nothing." "Oh?" "Really?" "That's what my daughter means to you?" "Nothing?" "No, no, sir, she means a lot to me." "I mean, I care." "I love Rachel." "What?" "Oh, but not that way." "I mean..." "I mean, I'm not in love with her." "I love her like a friend." "Oh, really?" "That's how you treat a friend?" "You get her in trouble and then you refuse to marry her?" "Hey, I offered to marry her." "What?" "But I didn't want to." "Well, why not?" "So you could spend your time with this tramp?" "Tramp?" "I'm sorry." "Dr. Green, Mona." "Mona, Dr. Green." "I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there." "Wait, wait." "Maybe she's a hooker and a stripper but she got confused about what she's supposed to do." "Could be." "I mean, definitely, she did strip." "We just, we just missed it." "Ma'am?" "Are you also a stripper?" "Uh, no, but I can pretend to strip." "But that's going to cost extra." "Okay, here's the extras:" "handcuffs, spanking..." "Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you." "You know, getting her own husband a hooker." "That's pretty funny." "That is funny." "Maybe for my birthday, she'll murder someone." "And I bet Ross was in on it, too." "I mean, he was conveniently busy." "Do you mind if I smoke in here?" "Oh, actually, I'd rather..." "Yeah, go ahead." "We're going to have to burn that room down anyway." "How could you have kept all of this from me?" "I-I was going to tell you, but..." "But what?" "You figured you'd get what you wanted then you'd dump her, like you did Rachel." "Hey, I did not dump Rachel." "Nor are we still together." "Oh, um..." "Can I ju...?" "Why don't we just let the machine get that?" "Hey, Ross, it's Joey." "There's a hooker over here, and we thought maybe you'd know something about it." "No, no, no." "No, no!" "I-I-I-I need to lie down." "So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?" "Yeah." "Hey, thanks for getting me that girl's number." "No problem." "So, who's the party for?" "For my husband." "You hired your husband a hooker?" "She's a stripper." "No, she's a hooker." "Is that what they call strippers sometimes?" "When they're hookers." "Oh, my God, Stu." "I can't believe you did this.," "Now, you're absolutely sure she's a hooker?" "It's either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had." "Maybe she meant to get you a hooker." "Why would she do that?" "Maybe she wants you to learn something." "Huh?" "Now, is there anything you're really bad at-- you know-- sexually?" "This is the worst bachelor party ever." "What's taking you boys so long?" "In a minute." "In a minute?" "What's going to happen in a minute?" "All right, all right." "Maybe, maybe you should just ask her to leave." "Why me?" "Hey, it's your bachelor party." "Which is why you should do it." "Look, I don't want to." "You do it." "You do it." "You do it." "All right, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" for who has to tell the whore to leave." "What?" "I miss this." "I don't think we've actually done this before." "No, no, no, no." "No, I miss hanging out with you." "Well, we-we still hang out." "Yeah, but not like we used to." "Remember?" "You and me used to be inseparable." "And now... it's like... things are... different." "Well, you know... things are different." "I'm-I'm married now." "Yeah, sure, and hey, don't get me wrong." "I am so happy for you guys." "But I just..." "I miss hanging out... just-just us." "You know?" "Yeah, I miss that, too." "Right?" "I'll tell you what." "From now on, we'll make time to hang out with each other." "You got it." "Come here." "Oh, God." "Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys." "She's a hooker!" "She's a hooker!" "She's a..." "Hi." "We spoke on the phone." "So, your dad dropped by." "He's a pleasant man." "Oh, no." "I better go." "Just over here." "I don't want to miss the fight." "Ross, I'm so sorry." "Okay, I promise, I will straighten this out with him tomorrow in person." "Or via e-mail." "I don't care about your dad." "I care about Mona." "She was there, and now she's totally freaked out." "Oh, okay, I'll fix that, too." "What's her e-mail address?" "Rachel?" "All right, I promise," "I'll fix this." "I swear I-I'll talk to her." " Okay." " Okay." "Thank you." "That's it?" "You call that a fight?" "Come on. "We were on a break." "No, we weren't."" "What happened to you two?" "Thank you so much for coming back over." "Oh, good." "You're here." "Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable." "You know, Mona, just hear me out." "First of all, I am so sorry about my father yelling at you." "But I heard that you totally held your own." "You're going to have to tell me how you did that." "Focus." "Okay, uh, but, okay." "Yes, Ross and I used to date.," "And yes, we are going to have a baby but we are definitely not getting back together." "How can I be sure of that?" "Oh, because we drove each other crazy." "Yeah." "I mean, he was possessive." "He was jealous." "He could never just let the little things go." "Trying to date this woman." "Right." "But none of that compared to how kind and gentle and thoughtful he is." "Probably shouldn't touch me." "You know, I-I-I just..." "I don't want to get in the middle of something so complicated." "I get it." "Look, Mona, what relationshipp is not complicated?" "I mean, we all have our baggage." "You must, too." "Why else would you still be single?" "I'm so going to leave right now." "Should I leave this open for you, too?" "I'm not sure yet." "Why didn't you just tell me about all this?" "Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you." "Yeah, well, you still should have told me." "I know, and I was going to." "But..." "I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel's father." "Look, I-I made a mistake." "But it's only because I really, really like you." "Really." "Okay." "I guess you can close the door now." "Forgot my purse." "Oh..." "You guys made up!" "He's a good kisser, isn't he?" "I'm going!" "I swear I didn't know she was a hooker." "I mean..." "Did you let her smoke in here?" "Her ass print is still on your grandmother's quilt." "Do you really want to talk about smoking?" "You know what?" "I'm going to make this up to you." "I promised you a stripper and you're going to get a stripper." "Monica, wait." "What?" "Carry on." "I had to figure out" "It's only been a year" "I'm, oh, so confident" "And I ain't going nowhere" "Go on and let me" "And I'm going to take my time" " Ooh, these shoes are so tight." " Let me blow your mind" "I think I'll take them off." "Could you not narrate?" "Got you, sailor." "Just 'cause you're not in love, you can't marry him?" "Wow, you told your dad the truth." "About an hour ago." "Want to go see a movie?" "Yes." "Let me tell you something.Money lasts a hell of a lot longer than love." "Bye, Dad." "What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?" "There are more important things in a marriage than love." "Hey, I do too think about the consequences of my decisions." "Well, what gives you the right to...?" "Go to hell!" "Stupid guy on my phone."