" I broke up with Geoffrey." " What-- why?" " He just-- he just kept saying how much he likes me." " What a dick." " No, like, you don't understand." "It's all the time." "Constantly, just constantly, all the time how much he likes me, and then, i have to think of nice things to say, and i never can, and i think it's because i think i don't really" "like him, you know?" "I think, i think, i think i just" " I'm grateful that he has so many muscles, and he's-- and he's willing to kiss me." " Niamh's coming over today to talk about the baby, about what we're going to do." " Oh, shit, i think he's coming." " What-- he's still there?" " Yeah." "He went to the bathroom to cry." "I feel horrible that we wasted this conversation on my less important problems." " Do you feel at all horrible that you didn't wait for him to leave before you called me?" " When you say you're gonna decide what you're gonna do with the baby, do you mean you're deciding if you're gonna have an abortion?" " Yeah, i guess so." " Oh, man, that's fucked." "But, I've really gotta go." "I've gotta go." "You okay?" " I don't even wanna waste energy talking to you about it." "Ooh yeah I'll be fine yeah ooh up yeah here up the good lord knows it up the good lord knows it i left better behind to be fine yeah take my mommah turn another blind eye yeah yeah yeah yeah i left better behind" "to be fine" " Josh?" " I made you a sandwich." " I've decided to do" "Internet dating." " Okay." " And i need a photo for the, um, profile thing." " Good-- okay." "What?" " Come on." " Why are you looking at me like that?" " Come on." " What?" " Come on-- i need you." " No." " I really need you, and i love you." " Okay-- okay, fine." "Yes, fine." " Good!" " Uh, maybe you could try smiling." " So, when'd you start being gay?" " Oh, what?" "No, i don't-- i don't know." " Well, did you just realize or what?" " No, i-i had an idea, you know." "I just sorta hoped it was a phase." "But, it's not a phase?" " N-nah." " Who's it from?" " Geoffrey." " Oh, he's so lovely, Josh." " Oh, yeah, we-- but, we broke up." " Oh, you okay?" " Yeah." "No, i-i broke up with him." "So, I'm the winner." " Oh, no, come on." "Show me the photos." "I can't stand this." "Show it to me-- show it to me." "There." " Oh-- oh, Josh, they're awful!" "Oh, they're so awful!" " Oh, well-- - no, i think i should get more of my boobs out." " Really?" " Do you think-- i could get more of my boobs out." "Come on." "Take a photo of my boobs." " I guess-- i guess boys kinda like that." " Yeah, take the boobs." " Oh, no." " No, don't be silly." "Is that better?" " Nah." " Josh, take it with" " Josh!" " No." " Take it with the boobs out." "Josh, don't be silly!" " Nah." " Who did this?" " What?" " I have been reported to Vic-roads for dangerous driving." "Apparently, if you're old, people can just spy on you and dob you into the authorities, and you're punished for it." "Old people get penalized and have to redo their test." " You're not old, are you?" "Are you old?" "You don't look a day over 12." " Did you do this?" " No, i didn't do it." " But, you think" "I'm a bad driver." " I think you're the worst." "Like, i-i think you are just the worst, but i didn't do it." "I didn't know you could." "Otherwise, i probably would've." " Rose did it." " Mum doesn't have the confidence to make calls to strangers." " Josh!" "Josh!" "Josh-- lovey!" " Yeah?" " Oh, i can't figure out how to put the picture on here." "I've figured out how to do all the "about me" stuff, and i don't know how to put the goddamn picture there." " Okay." ""Mother of one boy and one dog,"" "and that's your-- that's your headline?" " Yeah, that's who i am." " It's not-- it's not very alluring, though, is it?" " Well, it's-- i don't know." " Okay, i just-- i just think maybe you should put something, like, snappy and fun." "Do you know what i mean?" "Like-like, "hello, boys!"" "Okay, not that, but just something, you know, fun." " Yeah, but it should be honest, though." " Honesty's good-- that's good." "What's something honestly fun about you?" " Um-  i guess we'll just come back to it." "Oh, you." " I will find out who did this." "Hello-- this is niamh." "I'm not available at the moment." "Just leave me a glorious message." " Hey, um, just wondering, uh, when you're coming over today." "It's tom." "Love you." " This guy says his ideal date is a nice dinner over-looking the ocean, not fish and chips, and then, a walk along the beach." " Why no fish and chips?" " I don't-- i don't know." "Is that a problem?" "Do you need a man who likes fish and chips?" " Oh, just send him a thing." " A kiss?" " Yeah." " Okay." " Oh." " This guy hates racists." "Are you-- are you racist?" " Well, i don't know-- am i?" " No more than is normal-- i-i don't think." " Well, send him a thing, too." " This guy is just an honest bloke who likes a laugh." " Well, that sounds nice." " Everyone likes a laugh." "Who doesn't like a laugh?" "Doesn't make you special." " Oh, just send him a thing." "What was that?" " Someone wants to chat to you." "What do we do?" "An actual person's chatting to us!" " Well, say, "hi."" " No, this has gone too far." "I'm not pretending to be my mother talking to strange men on the Internet." " Josh, time to go." "Come on-- let's go." " Where do you want to go?" " Well, I'm not gonna stand around here for days being humiliated while i try and work out who did this thing to me." "I'm doing my test this afternoon-- come on-- come on-come on-come on." " Oh, I'm going to be fine." "I've been driving for over 50 years." " Yeah?" "No, you'll be good, yeah." "M-maybe you just need to relax a little." " I am relaxed." " Okay-- right." "Did you bring your phone?" "I'm having coffee with dad and maybe you can call me when you're done." " I'm not an idiot." " I-i-i never said you were, peg." " But, you dobbed me in to the cops, though, didn't you?" " I just-- i really didn't." " What are you doing?" " I'm just" " I'm just giving you a kiss goodbye." " You've never done that before, not since you were a little-  i was just trying to be nice." " Oh, you patronizing, little shit." " Hey, um, I'm just wondering." "Um, i thought you were gonna come over." "I th-- i thought you were gonna come over and talk about this-- about the thing." "Um, maybe your phone's flat or something." "I left you some Facebook messages in case." "Just" " I'm at home." "So, give me a call." "Bye." " How's your mother?" " Yeah, good." "She seems happy." " Have you got her doing things?" "She has to get up and do things." " Yeah, dad." "She's, uh, she started Internet dating today." " Is that safe?" " Yeah-- yeah, it's safe." " Really?" "She-she's gonna meet men off the Internet?" " I think that's the-- i think that's the general point." " Isn't that a bit uncool?" " No, dad." "People do that these days." " Yeah, but she wouldn't meet them at their house, would she?" " I don't-- i don't know." "I didn't-- i didn't ask her where she was planning on meeting the men." " I hope not at their house." "How much does it cost?" " She picked a free one, plenty of fish." " Sounds dodgy." " It's fine." " Um, ahem, how would you feel if i moved to Thailand?" " Are you moving to Thailand?" " No, i don't-  you're telling me that you're moving to Thailand?" " No, i-i don't know yet." "But, Mae wants to move there." " Does it mean that sometimes you'd pay for me to fly to Thailand?" " Yeah, if you like." " But, then I'd have to see you there, once i get there?" "You'd want to hang out?" " Yeah." " That's a shame." "Hi, peg." "Yeah, we're just down the road." "Okay-- yes." "Okay-- okay, bye-- yep." " In the sea." " What?" " Plenty of fish in the sea-- probably where it comes from." " Yeah." "That's why they called the website-- yeah." " Hey, aunty peg." " I'm not your aunty." "I never was." " How'd it go?" "Oh!" "Okay." " Are you gonna open the goddamn car, or are we gonna have some sort of car park party?" " Yep." " Jesus-- shit!" "It's time to begin" "I'll count you in five six seven eight my boot-scooting baby is driving me crazy" " oh, what's that?" "The car is slowing down!" "Peg, it doesn't seem to be responding that well to my singing-- oh, no!" " Don't be silly." " Oh, what's that?" "Oh, it says it'll only speed up if you-- if you start singing." " I'm not singing!" " Oh, well, we're in a pickle." "We're in a pickle." "Come on, you used to love this." "You used to love it when uncle Walter did this." " I don't love steps." "Okay." " I never liked them, and your uncle only pretended to like them because you liked them." "Then-then, he died." " He didn't like them?" " No." "All he liked about them, was that i hated them." " I can't believe uncle Walter didn't like steps." " How could anyone like them?" "Josh?" " What?" "John, hide your shame!" "Hide your shame!" "Don't you ever knock, woman?" " Stop being silly." "We're going on a date tonight." " Oh, wow!" "Gosh, that was fast." " Yeah, what else am i doing?" " I-i, uh, that's a good point." " Well, isn't this exciting?" "I haven't been on a date forever!" " Really-- aren't you just a bit terrified?" " Yeah, of course," "I'm terrified." "So, what should i do now?" " Um, i-i don't know." "I guess you should have a shower." " Okay-- oh, do you think i should shave my legs?" " Oh, yuck-- yes-yes, i guess." " And, um, what about my eye-brows?" "Do you think i should pluck my eye-brows a bit?" " Oh, please, stop asking." "Just do it all!" "Do everything you can think of." "Do it-- you go!" " So, how do i look?" " Yeah, you look good." " Yeah?" " You look-  what?" " No, it's good-- i just-  what?" " No, maybe you just need to-- if you just-- if you put some gel in your hair, i think you just" " Josh, Josh-- shit!" "What are you doing?" " Mum, you just need to go and-- you need to go and wet it, and dry it, and break it-- break it down a bit." " Oh, shit, Josh!" "I don't have time to do that!" " Okay, just-  is that all right?" " Yep." " Is that all right?" " Yep, that's-  are you sure?" " It's good." "Yeah, looks good." "It's good." "It's not good." "It's-it's-it's- it's not good, is it?" " Mum wants to say "hi" to you." "Come." " Oh-oh." "Uh-oh-- oops!" "Are you ignoring us, sweetheart, huh, baby?" " Um-- - what-what-- what is it?" " Nothing, uh-- - what are you looking at?" "What is this?" " Okay, i-i, well, i was just looking at this." "It's a-- it's an on-  i am sitting a meter away from you, talking to my parents, and you are looking at girls?" " Shh-shh-shh." "No-no-no, Mae." "Mae, it's not what you're thinking." "It's a-- it's a-- i was looking at rose's online dating profile." " What?" " Josh-Josh mentioned that" " um-- - pig." " Oh, no-no-no." "Look, i-i was just curious to see what-what my ex-wife was-- - why are you so curious about your ex-wife?" " Okay, I'm-I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." "I-i was just checking up." " Checking up?" " Yes-yes." "Josh mentioned that she was-- - no, you don't use your son as an excuse!" "He has nothing to do with this!" "This is about your obsession with your ex-wife's suddenly fascinating life!" " What did he say?" " I can't stay here." "I am moving back home." "You can decide if you want to join me or if you want to stay here, being curious." " Rose?" " Rod-- hi." " I'm sorry I'm late." "Had to give my daughter a lift to a party, and she was dressed like a slapper, so i had to wait for her to get changed." " Oh, it's fine." "Nice scarf." " Go, the bombers." " Let's go get some food." " No, i-i don't think we should leave our bags here." " They'll be okay." " No-- no, i don't feel right about it." "Look, i-I'll stay here and keep an eye on 'em." "You go and get your food, and when you come back, I'll go." " Oh, okay." " How did things go with niamh?" " She couldn't make it." " Why?" " She was busy, i guess." " Doing what?" " I don't know." " You don't know why she couldn't make it?" " You know, the thing that freaks me out about having a kid is that you could get one, and it could be shit." "It could be a douche, and then you have to spend the next 18 years pretending to love it." " Kind of like how your parents were really excited about, you know, having-having a kid, and then they ended up with you." " Pretty harsh." " What are you doing there on your laptop?" " Just making you a little gift." " Oh, that's exciting." " Yep, you are going to love it." " I think we should go out tonight to bars." " Okay." " Great" " I'll call Claire." " Oh, we don't need to call Claire." " Yes, we do." "We always call Claire." " Why?" "You don't need to call Claire." " No, i-i think i do." "That's what we do." "We call Claire." " Yeah, but i just, like, i was thinking it could just, you know, just be us boys." " What the fuck are you talking about?" " Yeah, but won't it be weird between you and Claire?" " No, just shoosh and work on my present." " Hi." " Hey-- we're thinking about going out to bars." " I can't." "I'm at a costume party, and i didn't bring any other clothes." " Oh-- so?" " I'm not going out in a costume with no one else wearing a costume." " Okay-- we'll-we'll go out in costume, too." " Really?" " What?" " Claire's in costume, and she's embarrassed." "So, i-i was thinking maybe we could all go in costumes so that she's less embarrassed, like a team, like a costume team." " Fine." " Okay, great." "See you-- see you later, sugar lips." " I finished your gift." " Brilliant." "What is it?" "So, what-what's happening here?" "Is that's you there, right?" "And then, I'm there, and what's happening is that I'm sucking your penis?" " Yep." " I don't understand." "Is this-- is this supposed to be insulting?" " Yep." ""Suck my dick, bitch!"" " You just spent 20 minutes photoshopping a picture of me sucking your penis, and it's supposed to make me look weird?" "Tom, I'm-I'm gay." "You know, i-i quite like sucking penis." "You hitting on me?" " No, I'm not hitting on you." "I just-- - tom, I'm not gonna suck your penis." " I don't want you to suck my penis!" "It was just-- i just-  you just did not think this through." " No, i did not." " Hi!" "Oh, those are nice costumes." " Oh, yeah-- i think mine's actually pajamas." "Mae bought it for me on holiday." " Ah." "It's still nice of you both to dress up for me." " We just wanted you to feel comfortable." " Yeah." "Uh, do you want a cider?" " Yes, please." " Cider?" " Yes, please." " Yes?" "Tom wants me to suck his penis, so-- - no, i don't-- i don't." " I believe you-- it's fine." " He drew a pornographic drawing of me sucking his penis." " Yeah, just to show that you're my bitch." "It was a joke, comedy." " He wants me to be his bitch, so-- - i don't want him to suck my penis." " You're a bit defensive." " It was just a joke!" " Could you imagine how disgusting his penis would be?" " No." " Why do you think my penis is disgusting?" " Just, um, extrapolating the data based on the other pieces of you that I've seen." "So, wait." "You two haven't seen each other naked before?" " No." " No." " Well, what about at a urinal?" " We use the stalls when we go together." " Yeah." " Josh broke up with Geoffrey." " Why?" " I don't know." "He's just-- he's just always so there." " But, he's so nice, Josh." " Yeah, but he's not-- he's not very fun, though, is he?" " But, the muscles-- - the muscles just-- they just make me feel horrible." "They just make me feel like i was made out of doughnuts." " Are you gonna make out with other people?" " I don't-- i don't know any other people." " Well, let's definitely go out, then." "Let's go and find you other people to kiss and stuff." " Yeah, definitely need to show everyone our great costumes." " I'm a mummy on holiday." " Yeah." " It's Geoffrey!" "He's a bit upset!" " Yeah, i can see!" "Why don't you just call him?" "Poor guy." " No." " Hello!" "Can i please have a mojito?" " Hi." " Hi." " I'm Brendan." " Oh, really?" "My dog has a soft toy, and its name is Brendan." "So, if i say to him-- if i say to him," ""where's Brendan?" He goes and gets it because he knows its name-- because he knows the name of a soft toy, but he's a dog." "Isn't that incredible?" " It's incredible." " Incredible!" " He sounds like the best." " Yeah, the best." " I've lost my friends." " Aw." "Oh, no!" " Do you have friends?" " Yeah." "Yeah, they're- they're over there." " I'm gonna go dance with them." " Okay." " So, what now?" " Should we go back to your place?" " Okay." " I'll follow you in my car." "Don't go through any red lights." " Okay, let's play that game where i ask you your opinions about world issues." " Okay." " Okay." "Um, war on terror, shoot." " All right." "Um, i guess it just makes me sad because, when i was in grade two, i had this afghani friend, and he, um, gave me 20 cents to buy a choc dip cone, even though that it meant" "he couldn't buy a choc dip flake cone." " This is so nice." " It's just like" ""the notebook."" " Or "spiderman."" "Invite me home?" " I can't." " We don't have to tell her." " Wow." "I can't." "It's just this whole baby involved." "I can't." " I know." " I want to." "I mean, i really want to, but-  are you crying?" " It's just the rain." " So, tell me about your dog." " Um, his name is John, and he is just the most adorable dog in the-- in the universe." " Oh, i love dogs so much." " Yeah." " I think i love them too much." " Really-- oh." " I wanna squeeze them until they make a little noise, and it feels like we're interacting." " Oh, my god, i know!" " Brendan!" "We're so glad we found you." "We're gonna go to the Cadillac bar." " Do you wanna go there?" " No." " I-i think I'm gonna go to Josh's place." " Brendan, you know, you're quite good-looking, yeah?" " Yeah, we can take you to a gay bar, and you can, like, find someone else, if you want." " I think I'm gonna go with Josh." " Brendan, would you like a-- would you like a frozen cola?" " Yes, please." "That would be the best." " I'd like a frozen cola." " Me, too." " Uh..." " Peg?" "Peg?" "Peg, what you doing?" "Hey, it's Josh." "I'll take you to bed-- come on." " Oh." " You all right?" " Mmm-- yeah." " Come on, I'll help you out." "Here we go-- come on." "There we go." "Ha-ha!" "What you doing?" " Oh, i was..." " Da-da-da-da-da-da." " Hi." "I guess i should get you a towel."