"And Jackson keeps the all In play." "Oh, that's a corner!" "It's gathered y McMahon." "this Is NutfIeld to Hunter." "Hunter now to Ross Young." "Young skips past MortImer, takes It to the ylIne." " Oh, bloody hell!" " Jesus!" "How did he miss that?" "No one went up with him." "Did you see that, Dad?" "My old mum could have scored that." "He receives the all y the halfway line, and kicks It forward." "It's headed ack y richardson." "And Cross spreads the play out wide to hill." "hill..." "Lovely sliding tackle from SmIthI" "Does anyone remember 9/11?" "Just two yards Into his own half." "Yeah, It's the long all forward, Isn't It?" "Steve?" " What?" " Do you remember 9/11?" "Yeah, of course I remember 9/11." "Well, me and Paul watched this documentary last night on the internet, and, apparently, it was all a hoax." "Laura..." "I'm trying to watch the match." " Foul!" " Dad, did you see that?" " That was a foul!" " Oh, off, off, off!" "Fat brick of shit, ref!" "Should have sent him off." "Apparently, George W Bush faked the whole of 9/11, because of oil, and for his dad, who's also called George W Bush." "..also getting Involved with that one." "And It's WIlkInson who has the all now." "WIlkInson challenged y richardson." "The two players on this eautIful pitch..." "And all the people jumping out of the planes were actors or stuntmen." "You know, people trained at jumping out of buildings." "I wouldn't be surprised if Prince Philip had a hand in it." " After what he did to Diana." " Laura!" "We're trying to watch the football!" "All right, Steve, we're all trying to watch the football." "I can't..." "I can't hear the commentary!" "No one likes the commentary." "I'm always like this." " Come on!" "Come on!" " Go on, son!" "Go on!" "It'll be a goal kick to City, and the score remains 0-0." "Sorry." "Wing it!" "Hiya." "Yeah." "Yeah, course." "Cool." "It's near the Goose, behind the KFC they burnt down." "Becks, do you wanna check on the pizzas?" " How was work?" " Why can't you do it?" " How was work?" " You're better at it than I am." "I can't hear you." "You're cutting out." "Well, I don't live here." "I'm not checking on the oven." "OK." "We'll both do it." " That was nice!" "That was very nice!" " I still can't hear you." "Yeah, yeah." "That's better." "Yeah." "Sorry, Steve, what number are you?" " Er, number 12, flat B." " It's number 12, flat B." "All right." "OK." "All right!" "See you in a bit!" "Sorry!" "She's such a laugh!" " Who was that?" " Gay." "A girl I met at Faces." " Is she coming over?" " Yeah, yeah." " Sorry." "I didn't quite catch her name." " Gay." "Yeah, Gay." "Gaynor." "Gaynor what?" "Allen." "You're going out with someone called Gay Allen!" "What's your problem?" "No, nothing." "It's fine." "I think I'll refer to her as Gaynor." "Ross Young tries to flick It out." "Gay Allen?" "Why won't you let me touch your tit?" "Why were you shouting at Laura?" "She's the most annoying person in the history of the human race!" "She's not annoying, Steve." "She's my sister." "If the Nazis designed an annoying person..." "What's wrong with you today?" "Why won't you let me touch your tit?" "Can't touch my tit in front of my sister." "But I wanted to touch your tit." "I don't care." "It's my tit." "I decide who gets to touch it." "What?" "I like Skittles." "What's wrong with you today?" "I had a dream about you, and I don't know what to do." "That rhymed." " Becky!" " It was just a dream." "It didn't seem like it at the time." " Ye..." "Ohh!" " Oh, come on!" " I was trying to find something." " Can this wait till after the match?" "I had this elephant, for some reason, and I'd lost it." " How can you lose an elephant?" " And I looked up... ..and you were getting shagged by your ex-boyfriend, Lee, over a bin!" "It's not funny." "There was half a dozen men standing around watching." "Just say six." "And he... and he looked me in the eye, and he had this cigar outside of his mouth, and this massive grin." "And he looked me in the eye, and... and he said, "Awooga."" "He..." "He said awooga?" "Yeah." "Awooga." " As in Kriss Akabusi..." " Kriss Akabusi's catchphrase, yeah." "OK." "OK, I'm gonna watch the football." "You're being ridiculous." "It was horrible!" "You were really enjoying it." "Hello, Paul, mate." "Come in." "Nil-nil." " Laura!" " That was right in my ear!" "Hello, handsome." "What do you think of my hair?" "I need a word." "Saint and Greavsie." "That's what this world lacks." "Yeah, definitely." "Two footballers, or ex-footballers, who are mates in real life, and make a programme about it." "Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle sat on a sofa, banging the world to rights." "Ah, brilliant." "And Venables." "Oh, I'd love to go for a drink with Venables." "Here, Dad, were Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle actually mates, or was it just cos their names rhymed?" "They were mates." "I think they had a sport shop together." "Steve's mum saw them in there once, didn't she?" " Are you going through my phone?" " No." "Your mum met Glenn Hoddle, didn't she?" "Yeah, at his sport shop." "I think he...co-owned it with Chris Waddle." "So why is my phone face down?" "I never leave it face down." "It scratches the screen." "What's wrong with you?" "I haven't touched your phone." "Has he?" " I didn't see him." " He weren't looking at nothing." "OK." "Sorry." "Is this gonna be another one of your grudges?" "No, it's fine." "Sorry." "The all Is played out left to Toller..." " Wing it!" " Far post!" " JohnsonI" " Oh, he's hit the bar!" " So you are looking through my phone." " No!" "Course not!" "Just checking to see if the screen's scratched." " Is it?" " No!" "Thank God." "Good." "It just looked like you were going through my phone." "Why would I do that?" "I dunno." "Probably looking for texts from Lee." "Why would Lee be texting you?" "You better get that." " Have you been texting Lee?" " No!" "Course not." "Good." "Well, I haven't been going through your phone, OK?" "I'm not a bloody mentalist!" "We've just hit the bar!" "Steve, kitchen now." "Becky, we're having a family conference." "I'm watching the football." " Book him, ref!" " Ref, book him!" "Referee!" "What's more important?" "Family or football?" " Family." " Thank you." "You can watch the highlights." "OK, Becks, Steve..." "Where's Steve?" "I'm here." "OK, Steve, sit down." "Paul's got something he needs to tell you." "In your own time." "Is it Luke?" "Luke's fine." "Go on." "Say it, Paul." "I'm..." "It's all right, mate." "Come on." "Hurry up and say it, Paul." "I'm..." "I'm adopted." "He's adopted." "He found out this afternoon, didn't you?" " He had a showdown with his mum." " She's not my mum." "He had a showdown with his ex-mum." "I've been lied to my entire life by these ugly fucking bullshitters!" "Oh..." "I really feel for you, Paul." "Thanks, Becks." "Yeah, I'm..." "I'm really sorry to hear about it, too, mate." " Thanks, mate." " Thanks, Steve." "I trashed their fucking house." "Wankers!" "Well, the pizzas are ready." "My real mum put me up for adoption as soon as I was born." "She was 15!" "It's really awful, Becks." "Sounds like his mum was a right slut." "Hmm." "There's a hole inside me." "He means an emotional hole, not an actual one." "I mean, like, who is Paul?" "You know, it's probably not even my real name." "I'm a nobody." "A nothing." "A nothing." "Steve, stop looking at the pizzas!" "Sorry!" "I can smell 'em." " For God's sake, Steve, I'm in crisis!" " Yeah, but I had an early lunch." "Nobody fucking cares, do they?" "!" " So what if he's adopted?" " Get over it!" "It's not worth missing the football for." "I'd love to be adopted." "I'd find my real parents, make them feel guilty, and just get 'em to buy me stuff." "Yeah!" "Make 'em feel awful!" "I'd at least get a dinner out of it." "Oh, how's it going, Paul?" "It's just a lie, Becky." "It's just a lifetime of lies." "Come on, County!" "So sorry to hear about all that, mate." "It's awful." "Listen, why don't we have some beers and pizza?" "Hey?" "Watch the match?" "Take your mind off it." "It's a good match." "I'll lend you a Morse DVD, if you like." " Yeah, all right, then." " Good." "Now you go through and have some pizza with the lads, and I'll download a ringtone with Becks." " Or we could watch the football." " No." "OK." "I need a new ringtone, Becks." "I've had this one for a week." "OK." "I'm so proud of Paul." "He's handling it so well." "How do I get onto the internet?" "Er, Steve usually steals it from Dan." "What's his password?" "Dan loves milfs." "All one word." " Danlovesmilfs?" " Yeah." "It didn't take us long to guess it." "A decent-lookIng all, and that could have gone anywhere." "You all right, Paul?" "Yeah." "How's things at Ryman's?" "We ran out of staplers." "Oh, right." "We ordered some more in." "Thank God for that, eh?" "We went to a strip club last night, didn't we, Dad?" "Mm." "Yeah." "Oh, he should have scored that!" "He should have scored!" "Donkey!" "Yeah, it was one of those ones where you pay 'em a little bit extra," " and they let you touch 'em." "Didn't they?" " Yeah." "You can touch their tits, arse, legs." "I tried to stick my finger in, she punched me in the eye." "What do you think of this one?" "Yeah, it's wicked." "You ever been to a strip club, Steve?" "Nah." "I'd feel like a plonker." "It's so expensive, innit, Dad?" "You pay all that money, and they're just Polish birds with dykey hair." "She did have very dykey hair!" " Dykey hair?" " Yeah." " Oh, is that a phrase?" " Yeah." "Dykey hair." "Innit, Dad?" "Yeah." "Hair like a dyke." "slides It through to richardson." "Challenge y MortImer." "It's much cheaper to get a whore." " Is it?" " Yeah." "They're not as attractive as the strippers." " They're a lot more weather-beaten." " Yeah." "But they'll do anything for heroin." "Imagine this on the train." "Imagine me doing this on the train!" "Yeah." "I'd basically become the most famous person on the train, Becks." "And everyone'll know who I am." "He's a natural!" "He's got funny bones!" "Yeah, he's proper funny!" " Who's that?" " Oh, Ollie." " Ollie...?" " We don't know his surname." "Just started driving the 357." "The black fella." "Oh, yeah." "With the voices!" "Yeah, that's him." "They ought to get him to teach the other drivers how to make travelling more fun." " He's a natural." " It's great, innit?" "Black people are always fun." "What?" "What does that mean?" "Well, not...not in a racist way." "I mean it as a good thing." "How can it be a good thing?" "Well, it's a compliment." "Oi, how can it be racist if it's a compliment?" "Yeah, but what do you mean?" "I don't mean anything." "How are black people fun?" "Well, Kriss Akabusi." "He's fun." "Erm..." "Nelson Mandela, he's...he's really fun." "He's always smiling and waving and shit." "Trevor McDonald." "He's the most fun newsreader of his generation." "Steve's got a point." "Trevor McDonald is proper funny." "He done that dance on Children In Need." " Yeah?" "What about Moira Stuart, then?" " Good one!" "This is getting silly!" "Clearly I didn't mean all black people are fun just because they're black!" "And stood all around were about half a... six men all watching." "Six is the number of the devil, Becks." "OK, all watching Lee shagging me over a bin." " Lee?" "!" " I know." "And Lee looked him in the eye and said..." ""Awooga."" "Why was he doing you over a bin?" " I don't know." " It's so uncomfortable over a bin!" "Oh, I'm obviously not a racist, so can we please just watch the football?" "Define what you mean by fun." "Yeah, cos I find this offensive, and I'm not even black." "I don't believe this!" "What's going on?" " It's Steve." "He keeps saying..." " OK, it's nothing!" "It's nothing." "Steve?" "Sorry." "Sorry." " Barney was saying about Ollie..." " We don't know his surname." "Ollie drives a bus." "Sometimes has a moustache." "Black." "Careful, Steve." "Anyway, he's adopted." "Paul was telling us his unfortunate news." "We got talking about Ollie." "I said he's started driving a bus, and he makes it a fun bus." "He makes fun announcements on his bus." "Like when he speaks over the Tannoy, he does an impression of Donald Duck!" " Right." "And sometimes he wears a hat!" " And Steve said..." "All I said was, and not in a racist way..." "All I said was it's because sometimes some black people can sometimes be fun." " That's not what you said!" " Get out, you lying shit!" "You said "are". "Are always fun."" "Always whatever!" "I got it wrong, OK?" "I was distracted cos I was looking through..." " Looking through what?" " Nothing!" "I'm not a racist!" "OK." "Let's just watch the football." "They're not fun, Steve." "They're a very serious race." "I didn't..." "I didn't mean to be racist." "No one means to be racist, Steve." "Can we just watch the football?" "!" "Steve's not a racist!" "Plays a cute little all to KIey..." "Thank you." "He fancies Halle Berry." "Do ya?" "Yeah." "Oh." "Should have said." " That's all right, then." "We fancy her." " Yeah!" "And Whoopi Goldberg." " Oh, mate!" " Becky!" " Steve!" " No, not..." "Not now!" "She..." "She was really hot in The Color Purple." "Hi, Shelly." "Did you get my text?" "Yeah, he's adopted." "His real mother gave him up at birth." "Mmm." "She was 15, and a bit of a slag, if I'm honest." "No one knows who his real dad was because she was doing about five boys at once." "Laura..." "Well, I mean, they're a very loving family, but Paul never fitted in." " I guess now we know why." " Laura!" "Laur, do you wanna take it outside?" "Well, the fact of the matter is, Shelly, his pretend mum didn't have a womb." "Laura!" "Sorry, Shell." "Steve's being a sexist prick." "I'll call you back later." "Ooh, did you get my text about my new hair?" "Yeah, but with clips." "Laura...please!" "All right." "Bye, Shell." "Bye!" " 0h, the keeper's spilled ItI" " Oh, Jesus!" "How did he drop that?" "Dreadful!" "My mum could have caught that!" "Sorry, Steve, or should I say awooga?" " Did you tell her?" " Course not." " If you've told her..." " Answer the door." " Oh!" " Sorry!" "I got up too quick." "Seriously, it's like going out with a child." "That's a foul, Dad!" "Hi." "Is Barney there?" "Yeah." "Come in." "Come in." "I'm Steve." " Nice to meet you, Steve." " Hi." "Gay Allen's here." "Hello, love." "Everyone, this is Gay." "Gay, everyone." "You know my dad." " Hi, everyone." "Hi, Mike." " You all right, sweetheart?" " My boy treating you right?" " Yeah, he's lovely!" "I taught him everything he knows." " Oh!" "Oh, that's a corner!" " It's nil-nil." "Great!" "Well, there's everything to play for." "You seem like a nice and polite young lady, Gaynor." "Thank you." "It's nice to see Barney with a decent human being." "Not like that fat slob, Michelle." " What do you do, love?" " She's a nurse, in't ya, darling?" "Not quite." "Do you know Whipps Cross Hospital?" " I was born there." " We all were." "Oh, that's nice." "Well, I sort of help out on the children's ward, looking after the kids, cheering them up, having fun." "What?" "So, do you know anything about RSI?" "I get it in my arms." "I've told you, go and see a doctor about it." "Yes, I know, but I thought Gaynor might have overheard a surgeon or a nurse talking about it on the children's ward." "I'm afraid not." "I'm usually dressed like a clown, or doing a silly dance to amuse 'em!" "Oh, well done." "That's very noble of you." "Oh, I don't know about that." "We just have a lot of fun." "What?" " Steve's got this theory, Gay." " Er, it's not a theory." "That black people are always fun." "It was a joke." "It was an anti-racist comment, and I've apologised for it." "We all find his opinions despicable." "Well, he's got a point, in a way." "OK, but I wasn't trying to make a point." "It's not that black people are fun." "It's just that white people are all so boring!" "Gaynor, this is Paul, my fiancé." " Oh, congratulations!" " Thank you." "Hi, Paul." "Just so you know, normally he's the life and soul, but he's very sad at the moment, cos he's just found out he's adopted." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." "Thanks." "Er, do you want a... do you want a drink, Gay?" " Yeah?" "Lager?" " That'd be lovely!" "Give me two of them and I'll be anyone's!" "You better get her three, then!" "Are you gonna help me, Becks?" "Why do you need help getting a can out the fridge?" "Becks?" "She waves when she says hello, even though they're sat right in front of her!" "Are you being racist again?" "No!" "I can't..." "It would annoy me whatever colour her skin was!" "It annoys me when my nan does it." "I can't believe everyone thinks I'm a racist." "Well, if you don't want everyone to think you're a racist, then you shouldn't say racist things." "I'm not a racist!" "I'm not." " Becky." " Oh, don't use that voice." "What voice?" ""Becky."" " I need to ask you something." " It's not about Lee, is it?" "No, of course it's not!" "Did you have sex with Lee on a bin?" "Or near a bin?" "Or, like, using a bin?" "Or shouting, "Awooga!" while six men watched?" "Oh, you absolute donkey!" "How did you miss that?" "You were three yards out!" "My gran could do better than that." "Shut up about your stupid dream, and let's watch the football." "Yeah." "Oh, did you see Laura's dykey hair?" "When did "dykey hair" suddenly become a phrase?" "Mike tried to finger a stripper." "I don't wanna know!" "It's still nil-nil." "Yeah, missed a penalty." "Gay." "smith with a long, long throw that Johnson knocks ack to smith." "smith to Hunt." "MortImer." "Arnell." "Ball to Jackson." "Jackson knocked It down under pressure." "I used your shower gels, bubble bath." "I hope that's OK." " Yeah, course." " Thanks." "Brushed me teeth." "What's the score?" "It's nil-nil, but we missed loads of chances." "Woy!" "Dan, just so you know, because everyone else knows, Paul's adopted." "Bad luck, mate." "Yeah, let's not get into that one again, though, eh?" "OK." "It's not a bad thing." "Loads of famous people are adopted." "Let's just leave it, yeah?" "Yeah." "Of course." "Like who?" "Marilyn Monroe." " Was she?" " Yep." " Bill Clinton." " Really?" "Yeah." " Jesus." " You're in good company, Paul." "Just cos his mother rejects him doesn't mean everyone else will." "Yeah." " Go on!" "Go on!" " Come on!" "Quality!" "Yes!" "Go on, you!" "Oh, what a goal!"