" Just give me one hint." " No." "I want it to be a surpse." "They surprised me at my last bachelor party and I woke up in a nurse's uniform with a perm." "I think your perm days are over." "Oh, look." "It's the march of the penguins." "Good morning, ladies." "Bingo starts at 9:00 a.m.Make sure you finish your juice." "It has your medicine in it." "If you don't really have medicine juice, don't joke about it." "Why are you even here?" "He's trying to get information from me about his bachelor party, but I'm not gonna tell him 'cause it's a surprise." "You mean the laser tag party?" "Oh, my God!" "Laser tag?" "I freakin' love laser tag!" "This is going to be the best party ever!" "Thank you, Matthew." "My bachelorette party was pretty good, too." "Some girls from my office took me downstairs to the coffee shop and got me a cake." "Well, not really a cake, a cupcake." "A bran muffin." "That's it?" "No." "They also gave me this coffee mug with my new married name on it." "Who is Wendy Campbell?" "Oh, that's me." "When I first started working there, they called me Wendy." "I was going to correct them, but I kind of kept missing my window and now it's been five years and I don't want anyone to feel bad." "I don't feel bad." "As fun as your office thing sounds, that's not a bachelorette party." "That's a coffee break." "Hey, remember my bachelorette party?" "No." "That's how good it was." "Barb and I went to Vegas." "Oh, my God, it was insane." "I lost $300 and two fillings." "Ah, I love Vegas." "We got thrown out of Circus Circus." "That's almost impossible." " Remember the contest?" " What contest?" "I love contests." "I can shove 50 crackers in my mouth and still whistle." "You hear that?" "Fifty." "No, our contest was a little more sophisticated than that." "It was a make out contest." "The one who kissed the most strangers was the winner." "I kissed 20." "I won." "That is sophisticated." "What did you win?" "She won it... then I won it... then tetracycline cured it." "Come on, if it can be cured, it's not the bad kind." "That's the kind of party you should have." "A crazy night in Vegas." "Oh, that's okay." "I got a mug." "Oh, shoot." "That's sad." "Isn't that sad, Christine?" "It's not even her real name." "It's not that sad." "Maybe that's your other bachelor party surprise." "Oh, my God." "There's more than laser tag?" "Are we going to a Hall and Oates concert?" "Is that who's at the door?" "No, it is neither Hall nor Oates." "It's just your stupid brother." "Joe!" "I can't believe you're here!" "I haven't seen you since Christine turned you gay." "Again, I did not turn him gay." "And again, I did not turn gay." "I just am gay." "Ah, that's enough of the gay talk." "When are we going to Hall and Oates?" "I'm out of here." "Does anyone see the "W"?" "What?" "I don't see her "W."" "Oh, God." "All right, fine." "Hey, New Christine, how would you like it if Barb and I took you to Vegas for your bachelorette party?" "Vegas?" "Me?" "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." "Okay, you know what?" "Save the happy tears for when we get back and the doctor tells you you don't have gonorrhea." "The New Adventures of Old Christine Season04 Episode14" "Wow, it's so exciting here." "It's so loud and colorful." "What's that smell?" "It's the smell of fun." "It smells like cigarettes and urine." "Yeah." "Fun." "When are we going to check in?" "Oh, you don't sleep in Vegas." "Checking into a hotel is like flushing your money down the toilet." "Ooh, slots." "Give me a dollar." "Okay, let's go, let's go." "Oh, come on..." "Oh, damn!" "Come on, you mother..." "I can't catch a freakin' break in this town." " Move over." "I feel lucky." " Yeah, yeah." " Give me a dollar." " Yeah, come on, go." "Oh, no!" "Damn!" "You piece of crap!" "Stealing my money, you son of a piece of crap!" " Should we go home?" " Home?" "Why?" "We're having a blast." "Yeah!" "Okay, let's go, let's go, let's..." "You invited the guys from my construction crew." "That's awesome." "Oh, I fired Javier on Thursday, but there was no way for you to know that." "He seems to be over it." "Matthew, this place is great." "Thanks for arranging all this." "Oh, that's what a best man does." "That and hang on to the wedding rings, which I'm sure will turn up before the ceremony." "Oh, you're Richard's best man?" "Yeah, I just figured since Matthew is around anyway and he's always helping me out with stuff..." "No, no, that's cool." "That's cool, yeah." "I got the last one, huh?" "And I'll get the next one." "What?" "I'm kidding, I'm kidding, huh?" "I am sure this will be your last wedding." "Of course, that's what I said at the last one and here we are." "I guess you never know." "Let's divide the teams." "Well, I'd say the three guys giving Richard the finger are one team." "Which, I guess, makes us the other team." "You sure you want me on your team?" "Or is this just a groom/best man thing, or..." "Of course I want you on my team." "Are you all right?" "Dude, I'm fine, huh?" "What could be better than to be at my brother's bachelor party?" " What was that?" " Sorry." "Friendly fire." "All right, guys." "Let's do this!" "Hey, wait." "Does this vest make me look fat?" "You look awesome." "Let's do this!" "There's so much to do here." "There's an art museum and a roller coaster, and this girl will come to your room and..." "Oh, dear." "Okay, you know what?" "There isn't going to be any art museums or roller coasters, okay?" "We'll see about the girl." "First thing we're going to do is drink." "And the last thing we do is drink." "And, time permitting, we wake up staring at a ceiling we've never seen before." "Okay, could we get three shots of tequila here?" "Oh, I don't drink tequila." "Oh, I was ordering for me." "Uh, excuse me." "My, uh, friends and I were wondering if you were a model." "Oh, jeez." "Not this." "Um, yes." "Yes, I was." "Um, not you." "I was talking to your daughter." "Yes, I was, too." "No." "Her." "You look like you want to, uh, party." "Oh, I can't." "I have a fianc\." "But this girl in the brochure said she likes to party." "Right there." "The one at the bottom with the stars over her boobs." "You know what, friend?" "Why don't you get out of here, okay?" "You're disgusting, all right?" "And I, uh..." "I'll be over by the nickel slots in about an hour." " Man, that guy was rude." " Right?" "How could he think I was Christine's mother?" "Jeez, Barb." "Remember how many guys used to think we were models back in the day?" "Yeah." "I think it was before we started saying things like "Back in the day."" "Okay, ladies, here we go!" "To Vegas." "I've never had tequila before." "What?" "You're kidding." "Not even in college?" "No." "I lived at home during college and I had to come home after class and take care of my aging grandparents who lived with us." "What are you, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" "Oh, come on, one shot." "It's your last hurrah." "All right." "I guess I could do one." "Okay." "To Vegas." "Yummy." "Hey, Rambo, I have no idea what you're doing." "I'm trying to stay alive, okay?" "I think these guys are seriously pissed at you, Richard." "They want to kill us." "It's not a game anymore." "What are you talking about?" "My crew loves me." "They're just joking around." "It's like when they poured that concrete on me when I was taking a nap." "You better listen to your best man, Richard." "Sounds like your best man knows what he's talking about." "After all, he is your best man." "Right, best man?" "Hey, wait, are you pissed because Matthew is my best man?" "No." "Then what's this about?" " Stop it." " You stop it." "Listen, both of you." "Both of you, stop it!" "We havto work together or we are not going to make it out of here." "Don't you think you're taking this game a little too serious?" "This isn't war." "Two weeks ago, this place was a Linens 'n Things." "You know what?" "Tell that to them." "All right, guys." "Let's do this!" "I love tequila." "I have to remember to drink this all the time." "One more." "Okay, what are we going to do about Lindsay Lohan?" "She's a grown woman." "She's having a good time." "It's not our problem." "Besides, she's about to marry Richard." "She better have fun now." "I'm ready to start the kissing contest." "Oh, no, no, no." "The kissing contest is not for you." "Why not?" "You did it." "Well, yeah, we were young, stupid models." "You're much smarter than that." "I want to kiss something, and touch something, and rub up against something." "Okay, easy, Wendy." "Otherwise you're going to end up in one of those brochures." "We better get her some coffee." "See?" "This is why I didn't want to do this, okay?" "Why do we have to baby-sit her?" "Because we brought her here when she was perfectly happy with her bran muffin and a broken cup." "You know what?" "This is your fault, okay?" "Yeah." "You wanted to bring her here." "I want to breathe some secondhand smoke, eat some 99 cent prime rib, get in a fist fight." "I never get to go on vacation." "Wendy's gone." "And she ditched her shirt." "And I'm supposed to meet that gross guy by the slot machines in 15 minutes." "Shoot, this is not good." "Where could she be?" "Okay, you know what?" "We'll split up." "I'm going to look here by the nickel slots." "Did you, uh, did you see that gross guy anywhere?" "Look, that girl is not equipped for this place." "How are we going to explain to Richard that we lost his fianc\e in Vegas?" "We'll find her, Barb, okay?" "What kind of trouble could a young, drunk girl without a shirt get into in Vegas?" "I need 21 kisses to beat the record." "Who's first?" "One!" "I don't know how you can expect to be best man when you're never here." "I'm here now." "Listen, ey're not giving up." "We can't stay in here forever." "Our pizza's going to be ready at 2:15." "I'm going to see if I can find the manager." "Richard, you got to cover me." "Joe, try draw their fire to the left." "I am going to make a break for the right." "Copy that." "All I'm saying is, I wish you were here for me." "I came all the way down from San Francisco just to be at your bachelor party!" "My bachelor party and what?" "And nothing." "Oh, so you had no idea that Madonna was playing at the Staples Center for three nights?" "And I'm going to two of those shows just so I can be at your bachelor party." "Oh, save it." "You're never there for me." "When I called to tell you I was engaged, it took you four days to even call me back." "You didn't show up to Ritchie's birthday party." "Matthew is always there for me." "Where's the cover fire?" "Dear God, I need some cover fire!" "And where are you in my life, huh?" "When was the last time you came to visit me in San Francisco?" "And how come you never ask me about who I'm dating?" " There's a good reason for that." " What?" "Because I'm afraid you'll tell me." "You're such an ass." "Okay, I'm kidding." "All right?" "I could be more supportive." "Who are you dating?" "Well, I'm involved with a man named David." "I don't know if he's the one, but he fulfills a certain need." "Ah, David." "Fulfilling a need." "And I'm assuming by "need," you mean your..." "And that's why I never tell you anything." "Oh, come on." "I can't joke with you now?" "We used to joke all the time." "I want it to be like that again." "And I want to be your best man." "All right." "You're my best man." " Really?" " Yeah." "You're my brother." "Besides, I don't think Matthew's coming back." "Oh, man, those guys were repulsive." "I had to literally push them out of the way to get to New Christine." "And not one of them laid a hand on me." "God, Vegas has really changed." "Maybe Vegas is older and won't accept it." "Vegas is fine." "Vegas looks great for her age." "It's dizzy in here." "Okay, you know what?" "If you're going to get sick again, Barb has to help you because I hate it when people throw up." "I love it." "I'm feeling better." "Thank you so much for taking care of me, Christine." "Oh, my God!" "What has been unleashed?" "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me." "Just listening to all your stories made me realize I haven't lived at all." "Shouldn't I live a little before I marry Richard?" "Well, there are a lot of things you should do before you marry Richard." "One of them is not marry Richard." "You don't think I should marry Richard?" "Well, I mean, you know, if it was me, and it was me..." "Listen, this girl needs some solid advice right now." "And a breath mint." "Our little Wendy is lost and for some unknown reason she's looking to you to set her straight." "Now, I'm going to go work on a mint and play about ten minutes of Pai Gow." "You do the right thing." "Okay, fine." "God, I never realized how annoying it was to take care of drunk pele." "Thanks, Barb." "At least she'll be easier to find this time." "Hey, guys." "What the "H"?" "Sorry, we thought you were dead." "And you didn't come looking for me?" "I'm sorry, but we had a really nice talk." "And guess what?" "Joe's going to be my best man now." "Oh, yeah?" "Oh, well, that's great." "I have no idea where the rings are." "So, listen, you'll come down Friday the 23rd for the rehearsal dinner and the wedding's Saturday and then brunch the next morning for the out-of-towners." "This will be awesome!" " Now, when you say the 23rd, what month are we talking about?" " May." "Oh, no." "Not May." "I'm good any month except for May." "I'm going on my cruise in May." "I guess we could push it to June." "June." "Following the Backstreet Boys around the country on their reunion tour." "Sorry, bro." "We could move it up to April." "Uh, any month but April." "Are you kidding me?" "So, basically, you're not available any month I might get married." "So, what was the big deal about wanting to be my best man?" "I don't know." "It's just nice to be asked." "You're unbelievable." "You don't deserve to be my best man." "Matthew, you're back in." "No." "Who do you think I am?" "You think you can just treat me like dirt, snap your fingers, I'll come running back?" "I took a lot of pride being your best man." "I thought it meant something." "Do you have any idea how complicated it was to throw this party?" "Campbell bachelor party, your meat lover's pizza has arrived." "Please move to the Fun Zone and your attendant will give you your 15 video game tokens." "Yeah, that's right, guys." "There were tokens." "But you can just forget it." "Those tokens are mine." "Matthew, I'm sorry." "You're a much better best man than I would have been." "I'm sorry, too." "You're right." " I'll find somebody else." " I'll do it." "There she is, at the bar." "Why is she talking to gross guy?" "And why did he say he would meet me and then he didn't show up?" "God, Vegas has really changed." "It's gone all corporate." "Oh, I got to save her." "We got to get over there." "Okay, out of the way or I'm going to start throwing elbows." "This is exactly how it started at Circus Circus." "Oh, no." "We're too late." "She's one of us now." "You taste like an ashtray." "Oh, my God." "What have I done?" "I'm engaged and I just kissed another man." "No, no, no." "It's okay, all right?" "Don't freak out." "We're just going to walk away." "It doesn't mean anything." "Of course it means something." "I kissed another man." "I can get married now." "I've had my wild time." "Here's your jacket back." "Ooh, no, no, no." "No." "We're going to keep your jacket, okay?" "This is sad." "This is the only action I've gotten in Vegas all night." "I love Vegas." "I had the best time." "I threw up so much I'm finally going to fit into my wedding dress." " Thank you." " You're welcome." "We got you something." "Oh, "New Christine Campbell."" "I love it." "I'm going to keep it forever." "Oh, shoot." "Thank you so much for taking such good care of me." "And I wanted to ask you something." " You can say no if you want to." " No." " But I would love it if you would..." " No." "be my maid of honor." "That's okay." "I shouldn't have asked." "Richard probably wouldn't like it, anyway." "Oh, all right, I'll do it."