fantasies [reality]

she looks at the picture of them, laughing in the meadow. her thumb slowly brushes against his face. she looks at how she smiled shyly up at him, her fingers playing with her hair. her lips curl into a sad smile when notices his head thrown back, laughing wildly, teeth glinting in the sunlight. they are the very picture of teenage love and carefree happiness. [she doesn't notice the insecurity in her eyes or the forced nature of his laugh.]

she wonders what happened. she wonders whatwherewhy it all went wrong and why they are smiling in the picture, taken so long ago. now, she thinks with a pang, there is nothing, nothing worth smiling about. [it was never meant to be.]

she closes her eyes and wishes he was there. she wishes she could feel his hair, smell his skin, hear him whispering “i love you”. she wishes he hadn’t left, hadn’t lied, hadn’t given her everything and then snatched it all away, breaking her heart and leaving a bitter taste in her mouth in the process. she wishes what he was at the end of their relationship (a monster) never happened and everything was back to the way it was before, him caring and sweet and loving, true to her, true to his love for her. [there was never a time like that.]

when she falls asleep she can almost hear him. not him yelling at her, calling her a whore because she called him ten minutes late. not him whispering words into the ear of another girl. not him spitting sharp words at her, then laughing at her hurt. no, she’s thinking of the words he told her as she leaned into his chest, thinking of his deep, quiet laugh, thinking of how he sang her to sleep. [she only remembers him singing, nothing else.]

she leans against the white walls and hugs herself. she pretends it’s him, hugging her from behind. pretends it’s him, telling her it’s okay, he’ll be back. she pretends he is telling her that he’ll be there to save her, like he always did. [does she remember that it was always because of him that she needed saving?]

she falls asleep, pretending he still loves her. [he never did.]

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