Thursday, December 24, 2009

*Ghosts*‘It could hardly be real’. Yes, that is probably the best description forghosts, an essence that has no substance.An adult mind would be inclined to pronounce ‘they just do not exist’, andto a large degree would be correct. But they do have a place in our Torah,and deserve at least some clarification. The Mishna (Avos 5:6) declares ‘...some say that also the mazikin (were created at the end of the sixth day ofcreation).’ Mazikin is one of the Hebrew words that refer to ghosts; it alsomeans ‘harmful ones’. So what are they?The Talmud speaks about them in a number of places. One of the mostrevealing is a tract (Gittin 68) that discusses the marvels that ShlomoHamelech displayed in the process of building the Beis Hamikdosh (the holyTemple in Yerusholayim), for which he enlisted the ‘services’ of the ‘seniormazik’. This is Rabbi Yochanan’s explanation of the verse (Koheles ii:6)‘... I have made for my own purpose male and female singers, as well asthose things that are pleasurable to mankind, and shido and shidos.’ Because‘sheid’ is Hebrew for ghost, therefore shido and shidos are plural ofghosts. Rabbi Yochanan is saying that Shlomo Hamelech was teaching that G-dcreated everything for the purpose of His Divine Service.Although the Rabbis banished the ‘spirits’ from ever harming a Jew, theirmark still retains a place in liturgy. Noteworthy amongst these is thesection of prayer that we say in Shul each Friday night after completing theAmidah (the silent supplication), when we add ‘vayechulu’ and ‘mogen ovos’.These prayers are only said by one who is praying in Shul, and wereinstituted by the rabbis during the time when our Shuls were lonelybuildings on the outskirts of the town ‘for the sake of the latecomer whohad not yet completed his prayers and might come to harm when left behindafter all the congregants had concluded their prayers’ (Shulchan Oruch,Orach Chaim 268).People often confuse this term and then presuppose that a ‘spirit’ has someconnection with a person that has once lived and passed on. But nothingcould further from the truth, as the essence of life, our soul, is a pureentity, and could therefore not possibly be the cause of any harm. In fact,the one thing that a soul dreads is to cause harm to another (which is whywe are so particular to mark out the entire area of a grave – so that nocohen should ever step over this place and thereby bring himself tospiritual harm).So, what is a ‘ghost’?Another Talmudic story (Kidushin 29b) may explain. Rabbi Yaakov came toAbayeh’s town and was caused to spend the night in the Shul. A seven-headedghost appeared, but this did not deter Rabbi Yaakov in his prayer. Each timehe bowed to G-d another of these heads rolled off the ghost and when hebowed for the seventh time, the ghost finally perished. The ghost is aspiritual essence that has no substance, and is defied by an increase inspirituality.Shlomo Hamelech teaches this in Shir Hashirim (iii:7) when he speaks aboutthe 60 warriors that protected him at night. These ‘warriors’ are the 60letters of the ‘Priestly Blessing’, and we recite them each night beforegoing to bed.Rabbi Schneur Zalman says (Tanya p. 73) that these spirits are what give usmost of our dreams. They are the result of our idle thoughts during the day,and the only harm that they can do to us is the pain that we may experiencethrough anxiety as a result of our dreams. Sometimes the dream itself isharrowing, and sometimes the experience of waking up from a blissful dreamand realising that it was only a dream is what disturbs us. Worse yet, isthe disturbance and worry that we may carry along with us after the dream,for which the best approach would be to do an extra good deed and thenignore the dream.May we all be privileged to live well and serve G-d with true joy.Have a wonderful Shabbos.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old JewishTexan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name isRoger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and theycall my place The Jolly Roger."The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. Ihave 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irvingand I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says."Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis hadwaiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bentover in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When herturn came, she went into the doctor's office, and,amazingly, emergedwithin half an hour walking completely erect with her head heldhigh. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked upto the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked inbent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."

Saturday, November 7, 2009

NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, color and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy so they invited a priest, a minister, and a Rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle. Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions.First the priest emerged, beaming and happy. His statement was full of joy. He said, 'It has totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans.'Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, 'I saw the magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe.'Then the Rabbi came out.He was completely disheveled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine. They asked him, 'Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?'He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to enjoy??? Oyoyoy! Every 90 minutes the sun was rising and setting!On with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, shacharit, mincha, maariv!... Gevalt!!!!!!"

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

What's in a name?Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met.When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know herfamily name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his fathersays that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go finda Jewish girl.Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his fathertells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure thathe has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg,"exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real goodJewish name, and from a good established family."Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, likeRachael, or Rebecca?""No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake.The priest tells his two colleagues, "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'llbe right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to thebeach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat.The rabbi stares at this in amazement.30minutes later, the minister says, "I need to go to the toilet." He, too,gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room,walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutelydumbfounded!The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks upand says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand onthe beach."He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH, he goes straight downunder the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He isembarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other twocan. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!!Again, he is dragged out and again he decides to try. As he is going downfor the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you thinkwe should show him where the rocks are?"The Rabbi and his friends - 3A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donationsto their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he drawsa circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands inthe circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, hekeeps.The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever landsoutside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throwsall the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

The haircutsA priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresserand asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're aholy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's onthe house." The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" andleaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost bymagic, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for ashave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don’t haveto give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I justcouldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes hishand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop nextmorning, almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have ahaircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No,Rabbi, I couldn’t ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are alearned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. Whenthe hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, hefinds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation, "Next week, my sermon willbe all about the sin of lying and to help you understand it better I wouldlike you all to read Leviticus chapter 28 before next week."The following shabbes, at the start of his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked hiscongregation, "How many of you have read Leviticus 28?"Every hand went up.Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus has only 27 chapters. I will nowproceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the Rabbi asked if thechildren had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand."Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?""I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the childrenof Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?""Yes, David.""And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?""Yes, David, that's also true.""And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptiansand built the Temple?""Again you are correct, David.""So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all thistime?"

Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even RabbiLandau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to letout his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcomingmarriage to 50-year-old Hetty.Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes"Abe, where will you both live?""We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?""Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I mustask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?""To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies."Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau."I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies."Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau."I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe.

"So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly."I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe.

"But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whethershe’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve nevermade love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.

David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as hesettles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician."I’m having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?"The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Canyou read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks."No," replies David."So how about the next line up?" asks the optician.Squinting, David replies, "No, I still can’t read them.""OK," says the optician, "let’s start at the top line. Read out the lettersplease.""But I can’t," says David."Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician."Certainly not," replies David, "it’s just that I’ve never learned to readHebrew."

Bernie is talking a walk in Brooklyn one cold morning when he hears analmighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Brooklyn's BestKosher Wines" truck lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it andwine running into the gutter. The driver doesn't seem to be injured, but isnevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers."What's the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurt?""No, I'm not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr. Epstein, is goingto blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct it from my pay check."On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oyvay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy just said? He'sgoing to lose a lot of money because of this accident. We can't let thishappen. We have to help him."At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver andplaces a $20 bill in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to thecrowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah."In no time, the hat is overflowing with money. The man then picks up the hatand money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will helpyou. Go back to your office and give this to your boss." As the man walksaway, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Newspapersabout this. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?""Of course," replies the driver. "That's my boss Mr. Epstein."

In the famous city of Chelm, Moshe and his friends had been arguing for some days and eventually, in desperation, they all agreed that he should go to the Rabbi and get his verdict on the question that had them all baffled."Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" Moshe asked the Rabbi."Why the moon, of course," replied the Rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all."

The Irony of Being a JewWhen Paul Newman died, they said how great he was but they failed to mention he considered himself Jewish (born half-Jewish).When the woman (Helen_Suzman) who helped Nelson Mandela died recently, they said how great she was, but they failed to mention she was Jewish.On the other side of the equation, when Ivan Boesky or Andrew Fastow or Bernie Madoff committed fraud, almost every article mentioned they were Jewish.However, when Ken Lay, Jeff Skilling, Martha Stewart, Randy Cunningham, Gov. Edwards, Conrad Black, Senator Keating, Gov Ryan, and Gov Blago jevich messed up; no one reported what religion or denomination they were, because they were not Jewish.This is a reminder of a famous Einstein quote: In 1921, Albert Einstein presented a paper on his then-infant Theory of Relativity at theSorbonne, the prestigious French university."If I am proved correct," he said, "the Germans will call me a German, the Swiss will call me a Swiss citizen, and the French will call me a great scientist."If relativity is proved wrong, the French will call me a Swiss, the Swiss will call me a German, and the Germans will call me a Jew."

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was alwaysthere for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, will marry you.'One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.He asked her,'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. Thesight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that; the thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him-ler boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying:!Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Life Is a GiftToday, before you say an unkind word, think of someone who can't speak.Before you complain about the taste of your food, think of someone who has nothing to eat.Before you complain about your spouse, think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.Today before you complain about life, think of someone who went to heaven too early.Before whining about the distance you drive, think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.And when you are tired and complain about your job, think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down, put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around.

Jonathan has a terrible toothache and goes to see Arnold, his dentist. After looking at the tooth, Arnold says, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the tooth is badly decayed and can't be saved. It will have to come out." "Oy vay," says Jonathan, "how much is it going to cost me?" "For you, "replies Arnold, "only $125." "That's rather a high charge just for maybe 5 minutes work," says Jonathan. "Well," replies Arnold, "if that's how you calculate the cost of high quality dental work, I can always extract it much slower for you."

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist."Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance."

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.This baked ham is really delicious, the priest teased the rabbi. You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, At your wedding.

The Mentch from Malden MillsIn December 1995, Boston businessman Aaron Feuerstein, a deeply observant Jew who prays at the Young Israel of Brookline, Mass. had just returned home from his seventieth birthday party, when a phone call informed him that his Malden Mills textile factory in Lawrence, Massachusetts, burned down to the ground. Thirty employees had been injured, some seriously.Three thousand people worked at Malden Mills. When the employ­ees saw the devastation wrought by the fire, they assumed, as one worker put it, "The fire is out of control. Our jobs are gone."The fire was indeed out of control, but Feuerstein was not.With the mill in ruins, people who did not know Aaron Feuerstein predicted that he would take the $300,000,000 insurance money and dissolve the business, retiring quite comfortably. His announcement the day after the fire that he intended to rebuild in Lawrence and to continue paying his workers during reconstruction made news all over the country.He kept his promises. Workers picked up their checks for months. In all, he paid out $25 million and became known as “the Mensch of Malden Mills” - a businessman who seemed to care more about his workers than about his net worth. The press loved him, and so did politicians. He received 12 honorary degrees. He became that rare duck - the businessman as national hero. His generosity brought him international attention and admiration. In January of 1996, with Feuerstein sitting in the presidential box, Bill Clinton acknowledged his actions in the State of the Union address.Feuerstein explained that he drew on Jewish tradition when faced with the crisis: "When all is moral chaos, this is the time for you to be a mensch."“I think it was a wise business decision, but that isn't why I did it. I did it because it was the right thing to do,” said Feuerstein a few years ago to Sixty Minutes. “And what would I do with the 300 million? Eat more? Buy another suit? Retire and die,” asked Feuerstein. “No, that did not go into my mind.”"I have a responsibility to the worker," he once told Parade Magazine, "both blue-collar and white-collar. I have an equal responsibility to the community. It would have been unconscionable to put 3000 people on the streets and deliver a deathblow to the cities of Lawrence and Methuen. Maybe on paper our company is worthless to Wall Street, but I can tell you it's worth more."“I got a lot of publicity. And I don't think that speaks well for our times,” says Feuerstein, who is now 85 years old. “At the time in America of the greatest prosperity, the god of money has taken over to an extreme.”Where did he get the inspiration? “The Torah,” he told 60 minutes. "You are not permitted to oppress the working man, because he's poor and he's needy, amongst your brethren and amongst the non-Jew in your community," says Feuerstein, who spent $300 million of the insurance money and then borrowed $100 million more to build a new plant that is both environmentally friendly and worker friendly.No, the story is not all roses. You know, the good guys don’t always come in first… Malden Mills, the company that rose from the ashes under Reb Aaron’s inspiration and leadership, became so mired in debt that it had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. All our great Capitalists, of course, blamed Reb Aaron. “He was too generous,” they said.Yet astonishingly it did not go under and it continues to garner lucrative profits. Malden mills Today thriving once again.Yet even throughout the entire turmoil, Aaron Feuerstein said, “I do not regret it for a moment. I did the right thing.”Barbara Lee Toffler is an adjunct professor at Columbia University's Graduate School of Business and an expert on corporate responsibility. When asked by The New York Times about Mr. Feuerstein's actions in the wake of the Malden Mills fire, and about the company's newly precarious economic prospects, she suggested that "it may have been that the desire to take principled action somehow blinded him to thinking long term."She had it exactly wrong, of course. Long term was precisely what he was thinking. Long term for Professor Toffler and long term for Aaron Feuerstein mean two very different things. For Toffler, an economist, long term thinking means that in ten years you have money to go on yet another vacation. For Reb Aaron, “long term” means thinking in terms of what will allow you to fulfill your mission for which you were created.This is what I call soul-money. His money was infused with soulfulness. His money and his conscience were linked in a perfect, blissful marriage. Work did not drain him; it invigorated him, because he was not only working as a selfish, greedy Adam 1, but as a servant of G-d, as an Adam 2. He knew that his success is a gift and that his primary role in the world is to “cultivate the garden and nurture it.”People sometimes don’t grasp this truth: Barnie Madoff is not incarcerated only today. Ten years ago, when still on top of the world, he was also confined to a dungeon even while enjoying his home on the ocean (which you can now buy…). He was confined to a very shallow and horrible existence. His soul was dead.

It can buy a bedBut not restIt can buy a clock But not timeIt can buy a book But not wisdomIt can buy a position But not respectIt can buy medicine But not healthIt can buy blood But not lifeIt can buy friendly relations But not loveIt can buy a bodyBut not a soulIt can buy everything in the worldBut not truth

A young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and - WHUMP! - it smashed Into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown. Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is going to cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?""Please, mister, please... I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" Pleaded the youngster.“What do you mean? You wild crazy boy,” screamed the executive. “You didn’t know what else to do than through a brick on my Jag?? You will pay dearly for this."I threw the brick because no one else would stop!" said the boy. Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's badly hurt and he's too heavy for me."Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE -- a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention… Because some bricks are softer than others.How true. Often we get so caught up in our rat race that we can’t pay heed in a real way to anything really important. A child is begging us to stop and listen – and this may be our own child – but we are so busy.

It is a story about a greedy man named Pakhom, who becomes obsessed with owning land. Finally he is introduced to a family owning enormous quantities of land who give him an unusual offer: for a sum of one thousand rubles Pakhom can walk around as large an area as he wants, starting at daybreak, marking his route with a spade along the way. He has all day to cover by foot as much territory as he would like. If he reaches his starting point by sunset that day, the entire area of land his route encloses will be his!The man is delighted, as he believes that he can cover a great distance and has chanced upon the bargain of a lifetime. At the end of this day he will finally achieve richness.The man is excited beyond words. These idiots, he thinks, don’t even know how much land they will be forfeiting today. His journey begins. He tries to cover as much land as possible, not content with what he already has. He goes on, more and more and more and more. He begins to run, and run faster and faster, another mile, another mile. In his glittering imagination he sees all this land belonging to him.As the sun nearly sets, he realizes his error… He covered so much ground from the starting point, but he has to get back to the starting point. Oy vey, only a few minutes left. He runs back as fast as he can to the waiting family. He never ran so swiftly in his life. He finally arrives at the starting point just as the sun sets. He made it. The family cheers his good fortune, but exhausted from the run, he falls and drops dead. They bury him in an ordinary grave only five feet long… and that is the land he ends up with: 5X2.

Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.Rosh Hashanah was coming, and he didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night, to go to the rabbi.'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.''But Sammy! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately!''What shall I do?''Give it back to the owner.''Do you want it, Rabbi?''No, I said return it to its owner.''But he doesn't want it.''In that case, you can keep it.'

A rabbi, a priest, and a rationalist atheist are bound for the guillotine. The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, who shall save me if He so desires." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, but then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so." "It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd.And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go. Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in the Lord, who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned the priest beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward... stopping just short of its mark once more."Another miracle!" screamed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.Now it was the atheist’s turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the rational atheist didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply: "Oh, I see the problem," the atheist said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"Poor atheist! He was so committed to his ambition to disprove miracles that he deprived himself from the “miracle” of saving his own life.

Why is it that most people who have nightmares never end up completely escaping the perpetrator during their dreams? In the nightmare you always think you found a good hiding place, but the gunman suddenly discovers you, he pulls the trigger and ---- right at that very moment you wake up in a frightening sweat.Why don’t you ever actually have a dream in which you manage to escape from the horror and you are fully safe and secure, forever after?The answer is of course simple and profound: The perpetrator in your dreams is none other than – you yourself! There is no REAL perpetrator in your dream; it is just a side of yourself which you have been repressing. And you can never run from yourself… because the self always comes with you. Therefore, you can never fully hide from the inner perpetrator exposed in the dream.

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twersky is a Chassidic psychiatrist from Pittsburgh, who dresses in "serious Chassidic garb": the long black cote, the long white beard, the round black hat; you know – the full garb! Once on an airplane, he was approached by a very irritated and angry Jew. The Jew began chastising him in Yiddish:"A shandeh! A bushah! What’s the matter with you? Why do you insist on prancing around in that medieval get-up? Don’t you realize how ridiculous you look. You bring scorn and derision onto all Jews! If you could only dress and behave like everybody else…""I fail to understand your verbiage," Dr. Twersky responded in a perfect English accent. "Is there something that is bothering you? Perhaps you're mistaking me for somebody else, but – (say very slowly:) I am Amish!""Oy vey! I beg your forgiveness," pleaded the quickly back-pedaling Jew. "I didn’t realize that you were Amish. I thought you were Hassidic. You should know that I only have the utmost respect for you and your people — keeping your ways without bowing to society’s whims of the day."Now it was Dr. Twersky's turn to respond in Yiddish:"Aha! Oyb eich volt geven Amish…" If I would have been Amish, then you have nothing but the utmost respect for me; but since I am Jewish, you are ashamed with me. Hopefully one day you will respect in your own people that which you admire in other people."

The offices of the Jewish Federation called a certain guy for a donation and he answered the phone in a thick British accent and an imperious tone, and he said "Madam, there must be a mistake. My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third and I'm not Jewish." And with that he hung up.The next day, his card got put in the wrong pile and he was called again, and he said the same thing. "Young lady, there must be some mistake. My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third and I am not Jewish." The next day, his card got put in the wrong pile again, and this time he really blew up."Madam, there must be some mistake," he said. "My name is Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Third, and I am not Jewish. And my father Oliver Andrew Hamilton the Second is also not Jewish, and my grandfather, Oliver Andrew Hamilton the First, alav hashalom, was not Jewish either."

A little girl asked her mother before her bat mitzvah:
“How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered: “G-d made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered: “Many years ago there were monkeys from which, after millions of years, the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: “Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by G-d, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered: “Well, Dear, it is very simple. I was talking about my side of the family, while your father was describing his side of the family.”
Today, on Rosh Hashanah, we pay tribute to “our side of the family” – the great idea of Judaism that each of us, and all of humanity, was conceived in love by G-d who wants us to be happy, successful and maximize our G-d given potentials in life. We are thrilled that each and every one of you has joined us this Rosh Hashanah. Please know that this is your HOME.
There is nothing more exciting for parents when children who were gone for a year return home. There is nothing more exciting for our Father in Heaven than when His child returns home. So welcome and Shanah Tovah!

On his way out from shul in Jerusalem, Dan approached a young man inDungarees, backpack, dark skin, curly black hair -- looked Sephardi, maybeMoroccan.

"Good Shabbos. My name is Dan Eisenblatt. Would you like to eat at myhouse tonight?"

The young man's face broke in an instant from a worried look to asmile.

"Yeah, thanks. My name is Machi."

Together they walked out of the shul. A few minutes later they were allstanding around Dan's Shabbos table. Dan noticed his guest fidgeting andleafing through his songbook, apparently looking for something. He askedwith a smile, "Is there a song you want to sing? I can help if you're notsure about the tune."

The guest's face lit up. "There is a song I'd like to sing, but Ican't find it here. I really liked what we sang in the synagogue tonight. Whatwas it called? Something 'dodi.'"

Dan paused for a moment, on the verge of saying, "It's not usuallysung at the table," but then he caught himself. "If that's what the kidwants," he thought, "what's the harm?" Aloud he said, "You mean LechaDodi.Wait, let me get you a siddur."

Once they had sung Lecha Dodi, the young man resumed his silenceuntil after the soup, when Dan asked him, "Which song now?" The guest lookedembarrassed, but after a bit of encouragement said firmly, "I'd really liketo sing Lecha Dodi again."

Dan was not really all that surprised when, after the chicken, heasked his guest what song now, and the young man said, "Lecha Dodi, please."Dan almost blurted out, "Let's sing it a little softer this time, theneighbors are going to think I'm nuts." He finally said, "Don't you want tosing something else?"

His guest blushed and looked down. "I just really like that one," hemumbled. "Just something about it - I really like it."

In all, they must have sung "The Song" eight or nine times. Danwasn't sure -- he lost count. Later Dan asked, "Where are you from?" The boylooked pained, then stared down at the floor and said softly, "Ramallah."

Dan's was sure he'd heard the boy say "Ramallah," a large Arab cityon the West Bank. Quickly he caught himself, and then realized that he musthave said Ramleh, an Israeli city. Dan said, "Oh, I have a cousin there. Doyou know Ephraim Warner? He lives on Herzl Street."

The young man shook his head sadly. "There are no Jews in Ramallah."

Dan gasped. He really had said "Ramallah"! His thoughts were racing.Did he just spend Shabbos with an Arab? He told the boy, "I'm sorry, I'm abit confused. And now that I think of it, I haven't even asked your fullname. What is it, please?"

The boy looked nervous for a moment, then squared his shoulders andsaid quietly, "Machmud Ibn-esh-Sharif."

Dan stood there speechless. What could he say? Machmud broke thesilence hesitantly: "I was born and grew up in Ramallah. I was taught tohate my Jewish oppressors, and to think that killing them was heroism. But Ialways had my doubts. I mean, we were taught that the Sunna, the tradition,says, 'No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother thatwhich he desires for himself.' I used to sit and wonder, Weren't the Yahud(Jews) people, too? Didn't they have the right to live the same as us? Ifwe're supposed to be good to everyone, how come nobody includes Jews inthat? "I put these questions to my father, and he threw me out of the house.By now my mind was made up: I was going to run away and live with the Yahud,until I could find out what they were really like. I snuck back into thehouse that night, to get my things and my backpack.

My mother caught me in the middle of packing. I told her that I wantedto go live with the Jews for a while and find out what they're really likeand maybe I would even want to convert.

She was turning more and more pale while I said all this, and Ithought she was angry, but that wasn't it. Something else was hurting herand she whispered gently, 'You don't have to convert. You already are aJew.'

"I was shocked. My head started spinning, and for a moment I couldn'tspeak. Then I stammered, 'What do you mean?'

'In Judaism,' she told me, 'the religion goes according to the mother. I'mJewish, so that means you're Jewish.'

"I never had any idea my mother was Jewish. I guess she didn't wantanyone to know. She whispered suddenly, 'I made a mistake by marrying anArab man. In you, my mistake will be redeemed.'

"My mother always talked that way, poetic-like. She went and dug outsome old documents, and handed them to me: things like my birth certificateand her old Israeli ID card, so I could prove I was a Jew. I've got themhere, but I don't know what to do with them.

"My mother hesitated about one piece of paper. Then she said, 'You mayas well take this. It is an old photograph of my grand-parents which wastaken when they went visiting the grave of some great ancestor of ours.'"Now I have traveled here to Israel. I'm just trying to find out where Ibelong."

Dan gently put his hand on Machmud's shoulder. Machmud looked up,scared and hopeful at the same time. Dan asked, "Do you have the photohere?"

The boy's face lit up. ""Sure! I always carry it with me." He reachedin his backpack and pulled out an old, tattered envelope.

When Dan read the gravestone inscription, he nearly dropped the photo.He rubbed his eyes to make sure. There was no doubt. This was a grave in theold cemetery in Tzfat, and the inscription identified it as the grave of thegreat Kabbalist and tzaddik Rabbi Shlomo Alkabetz.

Dan's voice quivered with excitement as he explained to Machmud whohis ancestor was. "He was a friend of the Arizal, a great Torah scholar, atzaddik, a mystic. And, Machmud, your ancestor wrote that song we weresinging all Shabbos: Lecha Dodi!"

This time it was Machmud's turn to be struck speechless. Dan extendedhis trembling hand and said, "Welcome home, Machmud."

A Man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 yr.old son waiting for him at the door, "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure. What is it?" replied the father. "Daddy, how much money do youmake an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" The fathersaid angrily.

"I just wanted to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"pleaded the little boy.

"If you must know, I make $20 an hour."

Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $9 please?"

The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how muchmoney I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some othernonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Thinkabout why you're being selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don'thave time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The father satdown and started to get madder about his little boy's questioning. How darehe ask such questions only to get some money? After an hour he calmed down.He started to think he might have been a little too hard on his son. Maybethere was something he really needed to buy with that $9. And he didn't askfor money often.

The father went to his son's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep,son?" he asked. "No, daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the father."It's been a long day and I took my aggravations out on you. Here's the $9you asked for."

The little boy sat up straight, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he said.Then reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled bills. Hecounted the money, then looked up at his father.

"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father asked.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.“Daddy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"

In a queue waitingto step up to the scales of death was an older Jew, a RabbiRabinovitz, who understood well that his frail frame would serve nouse to these beasts. He knew that his scale should tip to the left.Before the war, before this madness Rabbi Rabinovitz enjoyed atranquil life with his non Jewish neigbours. In fact the Rabbi wasmaddeningly polite and would always greet his younger neighbour HerrMuller with a smile and a tip of the hat. ?good morning Herr Muller?!He would say, and Muller would respond with a ?good morning herrRabbiner!? proud that the Jewish Rabbi paid him such deference. Butthen the madness began and suddenly there were no friends for the Jewsand then there were no neighbours and now, now there was a queue for ascale that inevitably tipped left. As the Rabbi approached the scale,he dared to look up into the angel of death. Suddenly he stood upstraight, doffed his hat and quietly, imperceptibly, said, ?goodmorning Herr Muller?! The scale froze and then very quietly it said,?good morning herr rabiner? and (make with the hands) tipped right.

Harry is strolling down Main St. when he suddenly finds himself in themiddle of a ferocious summer storm. Quickly he ducks into the nearestdoorway, enters the building and settles himself down in the back ofan auditorium when he realizes that he just took refuge in a cathedralin the middle of a service! Suddenly the minister calls out to all theassembled: ?all those who want to enter the kingdom of heaven, rise?!Half the assembled quickly rise. ?ALL WHO WISH TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OFHEAVEN, RISE?!! The other half quickly stand up- but old Harry bleibtzitzen. ?Sir?! Calls out the minister, ?don?t you want to enter theheavenly kingdom???Sure? says Harry wearily, ?but what?s the rush??

J. SacksWhen I climb the stairs that will take me to the word to come. And they willask me by what right do u claim a place in the world to come? I will not sayI was a chief Rabbi I will tell u what I will say. I gave sweets to thechildren so they will come to shule they will feel at home in shule. And Ihave to say that that is the biggest mitzvah u can do. A religion is as oldas the things it cares for most and if u care for young people most u getthe miracle of Judaism. The worlds oldest faith but still young, why?Because we care about the young.

Eli Wiesel – (describing what happened after the Americans liberatedBuchenwald) What we wanted to do first before eating is to have a religiousservice. And we had a religious service. So instead of committing acts ofanger we prayed to a G-d who had abandoned us. To this day I don’tunderstand why we did it.

A yungerman came running to the Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev all frantic.His father in law had given him a large some of money for a businesstransaction and he had lost it. And he was so upset he was crying andscreaming. The Berditchive said look I promise u that u will find it. Butfirst sit down have a hot drink and a piece of cake. In the middle of eatingthe yungerman jumped up and ran out. A while later he came back carrying thesack of money. Thew yungerman asked how did u know I would find it? It wasby my shtender. The Berditchive answere it wasn’t a mofes. I saw when u cameto see me that not only had u lost your money u had also lost your head. Thefirst thing u needed to do was to compose yourself and get your head backand then I was sure u would remember were u had left the money

A group of askonim once came to Reb Yesochor Dov of Belz telling him thattheir community was in financial crisis and they didn’t know what to do. Hetold them the following moshel. A student had studied for many yrs to be adr he passed all the exams. He had done very well. He just had to beinterviewed by the head professor. After talking with him for a while heasked him tell me if u are walking down the st and u see someone bleedingwhat would u do? I would take out my bag take some gauze and bandage him.What happen if u don’t have your bag? I would look for a rag to use. Whathappens if u can’t find a rag? The student didn’t know what to answer. Theprofessor if u don’t know the answer u aren’t ready to become a dr. Thestudent was very upset he had studied and passed all his exams he justdidn’t know the answer to one question. The proff said if u see some onebleeding and u don’t have a bandage u should take the shirt off your back.If u don’t realise this important principle u aren’t ready to become a dr.Likewise he told the askonim if u will be willing to dig into your ownpockets people will see the importance of the task at hand and they willjoin u.

In the final year of his life the Minchas Elozor took the shofar on RoshChodesh Elul and tried the horn to see if it was in OK condition. Hershellewas in the room then and was very visibly excited with the shofar and itssounds; he asked his zeide for "noch ein blooz," one more blast, which hiszeide gladly obliged. From then on, for the next month, this became aritual; the Rov blowing once for little Hershelle. On Erev Rosh HashonohHershelle was there awaiting his daily blast, but he was disappointed."Haynt iz Erev Rosh Hashoone, Haynt bloozt men nisht, morgen vet men bloozenasach mool in shil," his zeide told him. The child knew no Chochmes. Hekicked and screamed, telling his zeide "Nor Ein Blooz! Nor Ein Blooz!" Aftera while his zeide had rachmones on his favorite eynikel and took the shofarand blew one blooz.On Rosh Hashoneh before Tekios the minhag in Munkacs was that the Rov spoke.That year the Rov went up before the aron kodesh, opened the ark and said:"Ribono Shel Olam, Ich darf tshiveh tuhn, ich hub over geven af an halochoh.It's written that on ERH one mustn't blow shofar, yet I did. He began to sobuncontrollably and called out: Ribono shel olam, do you know why Itransgressed that halochoh? it was because my young (grand)child lay on thefloor and begged me and cried that I should only blow one blooz for him. Myheart melted, I couldn't bear to watch him cry like that, so I blew once forhim, despite the fact that I shouldn't have. Tatte, how can you stand by andsee how millions of your children are down on the floor and cry out to you,Tatte eyn blooz - TeKa BeShofar Godol LeChayruseynu, Even if the time is notright for it yet, the time for Moshiach has yet to arrive, but your childrencry out to you, how can you stand idly by?!"

When Reb Baruch told the story he cried, and recounted how at that time thecrowd cried along with the Rov, the Tekios were delayed, and for a long timethey could not "come to themselves, loud wailing was heard throughout theshul." (Such stories can always be told, and one can always learn fromthem.)

A Man lost control of his vehicle and plowed into a pasture killing a twomonth old calf. Mortified the man jumped out of his car and offered to paythe farmer for his cow. Well, said the farmer, today the calf is worthfive-hundred dollars but in two years time it will be worth nine-hundreddollars. You owe me nine hundred, concluded the farmer. The driver obligedhim and wrote out a check for nine hundred dollars. With a flourish he postdated it for two years.

*Story*It was during the First World War when Solomon Geier, a German Jewishsoldier saw a fellow soldier hit by a bullet and fall to the ground. Atgreat risk to himself, Solomon jumped out of his bunker and dragged hiscomrade to safety where medics saved his life. Solomon returned to fight hiswar and never learned the name of the soldier whose life he had saved.

Several decades later, in November of 1938, Solomon and his family appliedfor visas to emigrate from Germany, when a late night knock was heard at thedoor. In Berlin of the 1930s late night visitors never brought good news soSolomon could be excused for expecting the worst when he opened the door toadmit a tall Gestapo officer.

Solomon Geier asked the officer? Yes, the trembling Solomon replied. Youwon’t recognize me said the officer, but you saved my life in the last war.I recognized your name when it came up on a list last night and I have cometonight to inform you that your family, among hundreds of others, is slatedto be deported tomorrow night; make yourself scarce. With that the officerturned and quickly strode out, turning at the last minute to call “The debthas been paid.”

Solomon and his family spent the entire night alerting friends to flee tosafety and left the country the very next day. The next night wasKristalnacht, when many Jews were injured, deported and executed. Solomon’ssingle act of saving a life saved his own life as well as hundreds of Jewsand thousands of their descendants several decades later. The Talmud teaches that charity saves lives.

*Metaphor*A wave is riding along the ocean having a grand time. As it draws near shorehe notices the waves ahead of him crashing against the shore. My G-d, hebreathes, this is terrible. Look what’s going to happen to me. Along comesanother wave and asks, why are you so sad? You don’t understand, says thefirst wave, all of us waves are going to be nothing. Isn’t it terrible? No.You don’t understand, replies the first wave. You are not a wave. You arepart of an ocean.

Three rabbis were traveling to a conference accompanied by the presidents oftheir respective Synagogues. The presidents were surprised when the rabbiswalked away from the ticket counter with only one ticket between them. Asmile spread across their faces when they watched the rabbis pack into abathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door they simply passed theirsingle ticket under the door. The presidents congratulated the rabbis ontheir ingenious method of cutting down on travel expenses and saving theSynagogue some money.

At the next station the presidents decided to be as frugal as the rabbis andpurchased a single ticket for the three of them. They were surprised whenthey noticed that the rabbis did not even purchase a single ticket. Thepresidents crammed into one of the bathrooms on the train and when theyheard a knock they dutifully slipped their ticket under the door.

It happened shortly after Kristelnacht in 1938 that a Jewish family wastrying to escape Germany on a train bound for Holland. They worried that theGestapo agents at the border would find fault with their papers and find anexcuse to detain them. This was the last night of Chanukah and the familyhad not had a chance to light the Chanukah candles. When they arrived at theborder a long line of Gestapo agents boarded the train, but as they began toexamine the passports the lights in the entire station went out. The fatherof this Jewish family pulled out his Menorah and quickly lit eight candlesin succession.

The lights attracted unwanted attention and the little cabin quickly filledwith unsmiling Gestapo agents. But these agents did not pay the Jews anyattention. They simply used the candle light to perform their duties andinspected the passports of the train’s passengers. When the last passportwas examined the agents turned to the Jewish family and thanked thempolitely for providing emergency lights. So grateful were they that theyforgot to check the passports of the Jewish family thus saving their lives.

As soon as the agents left the train the lights in the entire station cameback on and the train crossed the border.

A modern Chanukah miracle. The lights went out to save this family and solong as their Chanukah lights burned they were safe. It is truly an amazingstory. But for our purposes this story has a message. So long as theblinding lights of the station burned the Jew was in danger. So long as thelights of economic success burn we live in a bubble of illusion thatjeopardizes the true purpose of life. The glittering lights of success blindus from the inspiring message of life’s true meaning and we continue to livethe illusion. Once the lights go out, the new realization can dawn. Theformer false lights are replaced by lights that illuminate the true meaningof life. The former lights of transient value are replaced by lights thatallow us access to eternity; lights that radiate a heavenly message andimpart a humble truth.

They tell a story of a man who docked his fishing boat at eight in themorning with the hold half empty. Why did you come in so early, asked abystander.Because I have caught enough to sustain me for the day, replied thefisherman.How will you spend the rest of the day?I will smoke my pipe, relax with my family and enjoy some quiet time.Why don’t you stay out a little longer and make a little more money?What would I do with more money?You could buy another boat, hire someone to run it and make even more money.

And what would I do with that money?I suppose you could buy more boats and have a fleet; this way you could makereal money.And what would I do with real money?Well you could diversify into other lucrative opportunities and reallystrike it rich.And what would I do if I were rich? I suppose if you really wanted to you could retire early.And what would I do with an early retirement?Well, replied the stranger, somewhat flummoxed, you would do whatever youwanted to do. You could do a little fishing, you could smoke a cigar, enjoyyour family and maybe have some quiet time…..That, the fisherman replied pointedly, Is what I do already. . .

One evening Simon Feldman takes his friend John McConnell to dinner. As soonas the waiter brings out the stakes Simon grabs the larger of the two forhimself, upsetting his friend John. If you had the chance to pick first,asked Simon, which one would you have picked? The smaller one of course,replied John. So what are you so upset about? That’s what you got!

An American Jew visits Russia and is asked about life in America. Thank G-d,he replies, life is good, and how is life in the Soviet Union? Here, repliesthe Russian, it is also good, but here we don’t say thank G-d. Here we sayThank Brezhnev. What will you say when Brezhnev dies, the American inquires.Then we will say thank G-d, replies the Russian.

Friday, September 11, 2009

HOW TO STAY SAFE IN THE WORLD TODAY: Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20 % of all fatal accidents. Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home. (that's 37 % already) Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians.(now that's 51%) Avoid traveling by air, trains or buses, 16 percent of accidents involve these forms of transportation. (that's 67%) Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals. You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 % of all deaths occur in a synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue. Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register. For safety's sake, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend Torah Study. It could save your life! Author Unknown PS: You don't have to be Jewish to go to shul. You may not understand what the old guys are saying but sometimes they serve wine in paper cups.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

i met a community activist at a reception a few days ago and he tells me:hey, rabbi, it's nice to see you...i answered him: well if you think it's so nice, you know where to findme....well, he says, i'm not into your movement.... i am not a believer.you can still come for a coffee, i replied...you know, there are some things that i do, not so much as a matter of beliefas a matter of fear, he continues..for example? I askFor example Iom Kipur. I fast on Iom Kipur and do not want to stop doing itbecause I am afraid.what are you afraid of? i asked...who knows? he says.I responded: I will tell you what you are afraid of. You are afraid ofgetting disconnected. if that is the case, why not do things that willstrengthen your connection rather than just refrain from doing things that ufeel will sever that connection?

There is a story of the boy who is walkingalong the sea shore throwing starfish, who washed up onto the sand, backintothe sea. A man approaches him and says "what are you doing? There arethousands of washed up starfish, you can only throw in a handful, whatdifference will throwing a few of them back into the sea make?"The boy picks up a starfish and tosses it back into the sea and responds"to that starfish it made a difference."May daughter said to the reporter "My father may have only saved one life,but to that man, to his family and to his children, it made a hugedifference.

One of Anash in Johannesburg did his Purim seuda this year with only peoplethat he and his wife knew normally wouldn't have a seuda otherwise. One ofthe guest called up a day before and said their friend wants to bring aJewish friend from their public school and he happily agreed. A day laterthe guest calls to say that the parents of this friend wanted to know ifthey could come to as they are Jewish but never attended anything Jewish atall and since their child was going they would like to come along, and ofcourse the parents are invited too...At the party he notices that this parent of the friend is standing on theside somewhat lonely and goes over, says L'chaim and while talking theydiscover that their offices are right near each other. "okay, I'll cometomorrow to put on tefillin with you!" The guy, who didn't even know whatTefillin are laughingly agrees, joking that you wont even remember tomorrow.He shows up in the office the next day and the guy, surprised to see him,welcomes him inside to his office - which is full of buddhist getchkes. Whenhe asks him if they can perhaps go somewhere else the guy says no, notreally and so they agree to do it on the side.When he pulls out the Yarmulkeh, the guy says "that I won't do, becausealthough I know nothing about Judaism, the one thing I know is that the headcovering is supposed to symbolize belief in G-d, so if you want to put onTefilin with me anyways then fine, but no Yarmulkeh. After debating in hishead whether or not to do it, the orayso of tefilin wins and he says, okwe'll put it on anyways""Really, you'll let me put it on anyways?, ok, do you have a yarmulkah forme to wear..." So they start putting on Tefilin, the guy (wearing ayarmulkeh...) repeating word for word, not recognizing the brochos, thelanguage etc.As they start saying the words Shema Yisroel however, the man starts gettingvery emotional and by the time they reach Echod he's broken down inuncontrollable sobbing... When they finish Shema, he asks to see thetranslation in english of the words he said but when reading them doesntseem to be moved by their content in any significant way.After they finish taking off the tefilin the man explains.My parents were German holocaust survivors of the concentration camps. Afterthe war they got married and in their disdain for anything Jewish theyescaped to South Africa and with German names were never identified as Jewsand never associated with anything Jewish. The only thing Jewish of myupbringing was that any time anything Jewish was mentioned or discussed myparents would get very angry and it was something we never discussed orengaged in.My one memory though, is that as a child I remember my mother waking upnight after night, shrieking in horror through the nightmares that wouldrevive the horrible memories of her experiences. Through all the screamingthe only thing I would hear besides for her sobbing was her screaming aloudthe words "Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echod...."(...The koach of Shema Yisroel to pierce through the rishus of the nazis,the assimilation of the diaspora and the eternal struggle of the neshomo...)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,Raised a glass of water and asked'How heavy is this glass of water?'Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.It depends on how long you try to hold it.If I hold it f or a minute, that's not a problem.If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'He continued,'And that's the way it is with stress management.If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,We won't be able to carry on. ''As with the glass of water,You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.''So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down.Don't carry it home.You can pick it up tomorrow.Whatever burdens you'recarrying now,Let them down for a moment if you can.'So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now.Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A Chabad Chosid was standing on line to have a yechidus –private audience, with the Rebbe. He saw that the person before him was waiting in line so hurt and broken. It seemed as despair was all that could be read upon this man’s face. The Chosid resolved to speak to this man as soon as his audience with the Rebbe was finished. After the Chosid’s audience was over he set about to find the man that stood before him in the line. He was grateful to see that a new spirit was upon the man’s face. He introduced himself to the man and said, “I could not help but notice the despair upon your face as you stood before me on the line.” The man began to tell his story.

“I lost my son, and since his death just could not go on. I hoped that time would heal, but everyday was just as the day of the funeral. I searched amongst the wise and saintly leaders for comfort and direction but found none. Tonight, I have come to the Rebbe for guidance and comfort. The Rebbe said to me as follows, ‘If your son was well but taken away that you could not see him, would you be able to live with that?’ To which I responded, definitely, it to would be painful, however, it would be livable.’ The Rebbe then continued, “and if you were told that you may send your son care-packages and be guaranteed that he would receive them and that they would be of good use, would you send packages?’ ‘Why, of course,’ I replied. The Rebbe than looked me deep in my eyes and said, ‘I assure you that your son is okay in Heaven, and I assure you that your care-packages will reach him and be of good use. Send him a Kaddish, Mishnayos, and charity.’”
“For the first time since the death of my son, despair was lifted from my heart,” concluded the man. “Yes, it is very painful that I cannot physically see him, hear him, and hug him, but I know now that he is okay, and a new form of communication can exist.”
(Rabbi Yitchak Lifshitz)

A member of our community has lots of challenges in his personal andbusiness life. On the top his list of Tzoris is that he is a teenagedaughter (Sheva) who is mentally challenged. She is a functioning girl andcan communicate but challenged none the less.The family recently went on vacation to Israel for a few weeks. On the lastday of the trip they went back to the Kosel for a last visit. The father(Abba) told the family that this is their last visit to the Kosel for thistrip and so they should go and put a note in the wall for the last time.Abba told me that he put a note in the wall with a long list of all hisrequests to Hashem. Give me this, send me that, help me with this, fix that,etc.When they came out and the family gathered he asked his daughter Sheva whatshe asked for and she said: "Ask? I didn't ask for anything I wrote toHashem: Thank you for this, and this, and this, etc."He told me this was the most humbling moment of his life. Here he was at thewall and all he could think of was to ask and ask. And his daughter who isthe one with the actual challenges all she thinks of is to say thank you forwhat she has.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

"James, how long have you been with us?""About 30 years", he replied."According to my records", said the Duchess, "you were employed to look after the dog"."Yes, ma’am", James replied."James, that dog died 27 years ago!""Yes, ma’am", he said. "What would you like to have me do now?"

LESSON:Smile at some lonely stranger. Speak to someone you do not know. Pick up a piece of trash. Find a person dining alone in a restaurant and when you leave pay for their meal and leave before they know who you are. Use your imagination and the list becomes endless. Then you will never have to ask the Duchess, the Rabbi, or anyone what to do next. The world is a better place when we practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience,Raised a glass of water and asked'How heavy is this glass of water?'Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.The lect urer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter.It depends on how long you try to hold it.If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem..If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my rightarm.If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'He continued,'And that's the way it is with stress management.If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later,As the burden becomes increasingly heavy,We won't be able to carry on. ''As with the glass of water,You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again..When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.''So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.Whatever burdens you're carrying now,Let them down for a moment if you can.'So, my friend, Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:* Accept that some days you're the pigeon,And some days you're the statue.* Always keep your words soft and sweet,Just in case you have to eat them.* Always wear stuff that will make you look goodIf you die in the middle of it.* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be"Recalled" by their maker.* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,It was probably worth it.* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,Because then you won't have a leg to stand on.* Nobody cares if you can't dance well.Just get up and dance.* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.* The second mouse gets the cheese.* When everything's coming your way,You're in the wrong lane.* Birthdays are good for you.The more you have, the longer you live.* You may be only one person in the world,But you may also be the world to one person.* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. *A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today...I did ..."Health is not everything, but without health, everything is nothing.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Several Bar-Mitzva age boys stopped attending Hebrew school. A concerned shliach took the teenagers to visit the Rebbe, hoping the Rebbe would convince them to continue seeking a Jewish education.“Tell me,” the Rebbe asked the first boy, “why have you decided to stop attending Hebrew school?”“All the other boys on my block have stopped going to Hebrew school, so I want to stop as well,” he answered.“And what about you?” the Rebbe asked the second boy.“Same reason,” the boy explained, “the kids on my block don’t go, so why should I?”“Tell me,” the Rebbe asked the boys, “who were your favorite Jewish heroes that you learned about?”One boy responded that he deeply admired Noah, and the other, Abraham.“Do you know,” the Rebbe told the first boy, “that if Noah would have followed all the other kids on his block, we would have no world? And if Abraham would have followed all the kids on his block,” the Rebbe told the second boy, “we would have no Jewish people!”

'Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because G-d counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved'-Bava Metzia 59:A

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse."Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.""Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife."I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

Two astronauts land on MarsTheir mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.'Give me the box of matches,' says one.'Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.'He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms...'No, no, don't!'The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?Still, he takes another match... and...A crowd of hysterical Martians are coming, all waving their arms: 'No, no, don't do that!'One of the astronauts says: 'This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars'.So he strikes a match - which flames up, burns down, and.... nothing happens.So he turns to the Martians and asks: 'Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?'The leader of the Martians says: 'It's Shabbos'! (Sabbath)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

On Erev Shabbat Reb Zusya noticed that his wife was very thoughtful and subdued. "Why aren't you more cheerful?" he asked in amazement, "You already have your new dress. Be happy!" She told him that when she came to the tailor to pick up her new dress, she noticed that he was very sad. When she inquired about his sadness, he told her that his daughter became a kallah not long ago. Recently, the chatan visited his home and noticed that he was sewing a new dress. The chatan was under the impression that the dress was for his kallah and was quite pleased. However, when he found out that it was not for her, he became extremely despondent. "Now I am afraid that because of his disappointment, the engagement will be cancelled, and my daughter will not get married," the tailor said."The tailor's dilemma moved me so," concluded Reb Zusya's wife, "that I told him to keep this dress as a present for his daughter, and thus I am where I began. I still do not have a new dress."After hearing his wife's story, Reb Zusya asked her: "Did you at least pay the tailor for his work?"In amazement, his wife replied: "I do not understand you. Did you expect me to pay him, when I already gave him the dress to keep?"Reb Zusya said to her: "This is no excuse. The poor tailor worked an entire week to sew a dress for you, expecting to receive money to buy food for Shabbat. If you want to do a mitzvah and give your dress to his daughter, that's your business, but he deserves to be paid for his work."She immediately ran to the tailor and paid him.

Jacob Was a tad Meshugener and went to a mental hospital... he demanded kosher food... hospital went through great ordeal to give it....

Several weeks later, on a Saturday, the director noticed Greenberg deeply absorbed in a high stakes poker game, smoking a big, fat cigar, eating Lobster.

"Excuse me, Mr. Greenberg," the director said, someone testily. "but I thought you were such a religious man that we had to prepare only kosher food for you, and how I see you smoking and gambling on your Sabbath, eating non-kosher? How do you account for this?" "You forget, doc… I'm mishugah!"

...To which the wealthy miser replied: "How could I not be overjoyed when I think of how many tremendous mitzvos I performed with merely one small stinky piece of fish!

"Think about it. With one decayed slice of fish, I achieved four of the most extraordinary mitzvos: hospitality to the poor, visiting the sick, escorting the dead and comforting the mourning. Ah! How happy I feel."

A Life for a LifeYoni, an Israeli Defense Force soldier stationed in Hebron, was shot by an Arab terrorist. It happened very early in the morning, and no one else was awake to hear it. Yoni passed out and was bleeding steadily, his life heading toward a silent end.But another soldier stationed nearby heard the shot and went to investigate. He found a fellow Israeli soldier bleeding to death. He tried the best he could to stop the bleeding and called for help. Waiting for help to arrive, he kept applying pressure to the wound--literally holding Yoni's life in his hands.Yoni was taken to a hospital in Be'er Sheva where he underwent surgery. Yoni's parents were notified and they rushed to the hospital. Imagine the fear of the parents who were only told "your son has been injured and is in the hospital." When they arrived the doctor told them that Yoni was shot but will be alright. However, had it not been for the immediate actions of the other soldier, their son Yoni would have bled to death.It was a miracle that the other soldier heard what no one else heard, and managed to locate Yoni as quickly as he did. The parents wanted to thank that soldier, but he had just left the hospital after hearing that the soldier he helped would survive.While recuperating at home, Yoni and his parents called the army to find out the name of the other soldier so they could thank him personally. Unfortunately, that soldier's name was not recorded and although they tried to ask around they simply couldn't track down who that other soldier was.Yoni's mother knew that the important thing of course is that Yoni is well, yet she could not help feeling that as long as she couldn't meet and thank the solider who bravely saved her son's life--the entire frightening episode would not be fully over. Not being able to thank the soldier continued to give her an empty feeling…but then she had an idea.The couple owned a grocery store in Kiryat Malachi (a town near Ashdod), so they decided to put up a sign in the store, describing what happened, figuring that Israel is a small country and eventually they might found out who the mystery soldier was.Months passed with no response. Finally, one morning about a year later, a woman customer noticed the sign hanging by the door of the store. She recalled how happy her son Yair was when he came home one Friday night and told them how he heard a shot and was able to save another soldier's life in Hebron. She went back and told the owner of the store. The story matched. The two women now decided to try to reach their sons on cell phones and see if they could meet at the store. Fortunately it turned out that both the young men and even the fathers were able to all meet that afternoon at the store.The families soon gathered for an emotional "rendezvous". The soldiers recounted army experiences and finally after all this time Yoni's mother could stand up and thank Yair for saving her son's life or as she put it, "You saved my world". She looked forward to feeling "completion" after all this time by thanking the soldier, but little did she know that the story was hardly complete.After the tearful thank you, Yair's mother quietly pulled her aside and asked to speak with her outside. The two women went out alone. And she asked Yoni's mother: "Look at me-- don't you remember me?""No, I'm sorry did we meet before?""Yes," Yair's mother replied. "You see there is a particular reason I came into your store today. I used to live here, and this time although I was just passing by, I wanted to give you my business, even though I was only buying a few things.""What are you talking about?" Yoni's mother asked.The other woman answered, "Twenty years ago I used to live around here and came all the time to buy milk and bread. One day you noticed that I looked really down and you were very nice and asked me why I seemed so down and I confided in you. I told you that I was going through a very difficult time and on top of that I was pregnant and planning on having an abortion. As soon as I said "abortion" you called your husband over and the two of you seemed to forget about your own store and business, and just sat down and patiently listened to me. I still remember clearly what you said."You told me that it is true that I was going through a hard time but sometimes the good things in life come through difficulty, and the best things come through the biggest difficulties. You spoke of the joy of being a mother and that the most beautiful word to hear in the Hebrew language is "Ima" (mother) when spoken by one's child. You both spoke and spoke until I was convinced that I actually should have this baby--so you see G-d paid you back!""What do you mean?" asked Yoni's mother. The answer astounded and thrilled her."I had a boy twenty years ago that you saved by telling me to think twice before doing the abortion." With happy tears she declared, "My beloved Yair wouldn't have been alive if not for you. He was the one you were looking for. He was the one who grew up to save your son Yoni's life!"Note: This incredible story is true. The actual names are on file.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Adapted by Yerachmiel Tilles from friendsofefrat.org, the website of a wonderful organization, EFRAT, that dedicatedly (and non-violently!) works to prevent abortions by Jewish mothers in Israel, through counseling and financial incentives.Connection: Seasonal (Memorial/Independence Days)

Several years ago, a rabbi from out-of-state accepted a call to a community inHouston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.

As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it'. Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from G-d' and keep quiet'.

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change'. The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new rabbi in town?' 'Yes' he replied. 'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you in Shul on Shabbos'.

When the rabbi stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh Rebonoh Shel Olam (creator of the world), I almost sold a Yid for a quarter.'

Our lives are the only thing some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as JEWS, and will put us to the test! Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Hashem on your shoulders when you call yourself a 'JEW'.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. ‘Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’ Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, ‘Any idea where we are?’ Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’

SARA AND ABE ARE SIGHTSEEING IN HAWAII BY AIRPLANE.THEY ARE OUT OVER THE OCEAN TO LOOK FOR WHALES BUT THEN THE ENGI NE STOPSTHE PILOT DESPERATELY TRIES TO LAND THEM SAFELY ON A DESERTED ROCKY PIECE OF LAND OUT IN THE OCEAN.IT DOES NOT WORK. THE PLANE CRASHES. THE PILOT IS KILLED.ABE TURNS TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS. SARA, THE RADIO IS DEAD. NO ONE KNOWS WHERE WE ARE. WE WILL DIE OF STARVATION.DON'T WORRY SARA SAYS THEY WILL FIND US!ABE RESPONDS: WHY ARE YOU SO CERTAIN?SARA SAYS: WE DID NOT PAY OUR DUES TO THE TEMPLE BEFORE WE LEFT.DON’T WORRY THEY WILL FIND US

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...G-d: Moses, do whatever you want....

Saturday, March 7, 2009

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author. "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia." "Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check."

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, 'My dog has a problem.' Dr. Saul says, 'So, tell me about the dog and the problem.' 'It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,' says Morty. 'He can talk?' the doubting doctor asks. 'Watch this!' Morty points to the dog and commands: 'Irving, Fetch!' Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, 'So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!' Dr. Saul is amazed, 'This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?' Morty says, 'He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.'