Guardian in merger talks with Telegraph

The Guardian newspaper, which now supports the Liberal Democrats, and the long standing Tory-supporting Telegraph Group have had preliminary talks on a possible merger, it has been revealed. Looking to be the progressive media outlet of choice for the majority of the country, both are now thought to be seeking an efficient, well-led vehicle which will retain the confidence of the crucial newsagent market.

‘There was clearly a sticking point to any successful union between the two, and we never thought we could work with the leadership of the Telegraph, but Will Lewis has left, so that’s all hunky dory now,’ said a spokesman for the Guardian, ‘so we have entered into constructive dialogue to bring the strengths of each publication to the fore and produce a quality paper that reports in the best interests of the public.’

The changes will apply at a fundamental level: the Telegraph will continue its policy of providing tits and bums for the middle class, but the ‘Guardigraph’, as it will be known, will also now focus more on features and sketches railing against appalling injustice, ‘and we could see all of that that played out in front of our eyes if a full amalgamation of Quentin Letts and Jackie Ashley goes ahead as planned,’ the spokesman added, ‘although perhaps it’s too early to speculate on that.’

But there will also be the opportunity for both publications to retain some of their original identity with a small column on the inside back page advocating things like hunting while another will argue bitterly against any sort of nuclear deterrent but, the spokesman added; ‘they’ll be written in tiny type and separated by a huge advert for Boden, so I doubt if anyone will notice.’

Other changes are more cosmetic and may include a revision to the characters’ expression in Matt cartoons which hasn’t changed for fifteen years to make them appear more pained and thoughtful with extensive use of spectacles, in the hope that some older Guardian readers might now actually get the joke.

But the biggest bust-up appears to be in the crossword department where the fastidious compiler from the Telegraph is up in arms that the traditional equivalent in the Guardian allows any combination of letter in whatever order to produce an ‘inferred’ correct answer. ‘I know it doesn’t sound that important, but it’s one of those silly little things that could hamper progress for weeks,’ said everyone, ruefully.