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Monday, August 20, 2012

Well, if's official: ex-SMU and current Dallas Cowboys Wideout Cole Beasley is with child! Details are sketchy on the identity of the father, but its rumored that while current SMU backup QB Kyle Padron's performance dropped off ON the field, this was not the case in the bedroom where apparently his boys have run for the ultimate touchdown celebration. A due date has not yet been announced, but the little bundle of joy is expected to arrive shortly after SMU sits at home during bowl season. Seeing as how Padron is expected to be the stay at home dad, the sooner he is able to start fluffing the nest and picking out paint colors, the better.

Rumors of Beasley's condition began swirling early in Cowboys training camp when the receiver left the team for "personal reasons," questioning whether or not he wanted to play football at all, only to return shortly thereafter. It was initially rumored that Beasley, wary of his lifetime statistics of 2 catches for 20 yards against TCU, the only team of substance SMU played on a regular basis, questioned his role at the next level due to lack of experience against top notch competition. Not so, says a source, it was simply mood swing brought on by those doggone hormones. From second hand experience I can tell you that mood swing are a critical part of the human-baking process, so Beasley really can't be solely blamed for his actions. Still, mum was the word on Beasley's growing family as he remained in the mix for the 3rd WR role behind Miles Austin and Dez Bryant, drawing the eye of Jerry Jones, the worst general manager in all of sports.

But then came this chance on-camera occurrence from Saturday's game against San Diego, and all denials were put to rest.

Beasley claims that he simply fell on the football wrong and that was the cause of the vomiting, but I think we all know the culprit: Morning sickness. "But wait, it was well after 10PM by the time time this .gif was captured - that's not exactly the morning, is it?" Despite knowing that pregnancy sickness is not always confined to the pre-dawn hours, I had the same concerns. However, when reached for comment, Beasley had the following to say: "You'll probably see me throw up a lot more. I throw up a lot before the game, too." The Cowboys play 7 games at noon and 5 more at 3, which would have Beasley at the facility WELL before the clock rolls over to PM should he make the 53 man roster. Sneaky! Don't worry, Cole, your friends at Spitblood will keep your secret until you're ready for an official announcement. Just a warning, though - you may be ostracized at the alma mater for your choice of lifestyle, so I recommend going incognito when cruising Hillcrest until SMU refuses to solely admit hate mongers.

Until then, everyone please congratulate Cole and Kyle on their little miracle while I search for a team to root for that doesn't indefinitely employ Tony Romo and have an undrafted rookie white receiver out of SMU that stands 5'8" and 177 pounds as the third best receiver on their team.

I suppose in the back of my mind I knew that Jesse and Mike could never really get out THAT easily. I mean, without Mike around to create tension and Jesse's voice of reason to remind us that not everyone is as cold blooded as Mr. White, the show doesn't work. Regardless, a little part of me believed that perhaps they would and that the remaining 10 episodes EVER of BB would simply be Walt against the world, leading to that scene at the diner one year from the current block. Not so. Ignoring the fact that, even with lack of sleep, Mike would never be stupid enough to confine Walter in such a flimsy manner, it looks like Heisenberg has turned the tables in his favor yet again. "I'm not in the meth business or the money business, Jesse. I'm in the empire business," should be the new tagline for the show going forward. Somewhere, Jay-Z mumbles "HOLLA!" and pours out a bottle of Cristal in Walt's honor. Watch the Throne, indeed. Poor Jesse.

But the Walt/Mike/Jesse scenes weren't the episode's most memorable - that honor easily goes to the most gruesomely uncomfortable dinner scene since Beetlejuice possessed the mom from Home Alone and that child pornographer. The way Skyler kept filling her cup and cutting glares at Walt was brutal, and her delivery of the, "they're from the deli at Albertson's" line was hilarious in its callousness. Again, Poor Jesse - he had no idea the hornets nest he had walked into.

Heck, the show even made a scene between Marie and Skyler work! Much like the Jesse/Mike scenario, I couldn't envision a situation where Skyler spilled ALL of the beans... but I wasn't ruling it out. That shoe is going to drop at some point, though, and then shit is going to get batshit insane.

As for poor Lance/Landry/Todd, there's no way he survives this thing with his life intact. Also, was I the only one who immediately pictured Mike as John Turturro from The Big Lebowski when he delivered the, "Next time you bring a gun to a job without letting me know beforehand, I'm going to shove a gun up your ass sideways," line? Anyone?

So what do you guys think Walt's grand plan is? My initial thought is that it has something to do with teaming up with the new drug lord from Phoenix, but that doesn't exactly fit Walt's megalomania/the fewer people involved, the better ideology. All I know is, yes, Robert Griffin, people are gonna die.