Posted tagged ‘belmont jokes’

As of yesterday Donald Sterling is being sued by another ex-employee who claims she was his mistress. The woman is represented by Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had June 3 in the pool.

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Almost as soon as the polls closed in the California primary, the media could report that Governor Jerry Brown looks like a runaway winner this November. It’s a far cry from Brown’s first election, when the results had to come in by telegraph

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After 90 years, WGN radio has decided not to carry the Chicago Cubs anymore. So have they decided to go with programming that’s more likely to have a happy ending, like opera?

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Who says Sarah Palin and Democrats never agree on anything? Apparently last week at the Republican Leadership Conference, Palin suggested that “Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson should run for president.

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The NFL is ditching Roman numerals for their Super Bowl in Santa Clara, and instead of “L” will go with the Arabic number 50. Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

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When the totals are in, perhaps 300,000 Californians will have voted for Leland Yee for secretary of state. Now, not only has Yee been indicted on money laundering and weapons charges, he dropped out of the race over two months ago. Maybe this really does prove, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

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“Breathe Right” nasal strips will co-sponsor Saturday’s Belmont Stakes, and hand out at least 50,000 of its nasal strips to fans at the race. If California Chrome wins will the NFL and MLB add the strips to their lists of banned performance enhancers?

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Donald Sterling on the $2 billion sale of the Clippers, “I feel fabulous, I feel very good.” Wonder how many other professional team owners are wondering how they can get taped making bigoted remarks and get a similar price.

A 20 year veteran of the San Jose, CA police force was arrested after managers of a Public Storage started clearing out his storage space because of overdue rental payments and found perhaps 20 pounds of marijuana. Title this “Dude, when was my rent due?”

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bowe Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

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Well, of course it makes sense that the GOP is angry Congress wasn’t consulted about the hostage deal. Because Reagan always made sure Congress knew about all the hostage deals he made… Oops. Never mind.

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So I think I understand. According to Republicans, President Obama was wrong before in not doing “everything possible” to secure POW’s Bergdahl’s release, and he is wrong now for actually doing it. Well, at least they’re consistent.

(My friend Linda points out that Oliver North said it was OK that Reagan negotiated with the Iranians because he never admitted it. …)

Don ZImmer has passed away at the age of 83. Guessing they won’t let Pedro Martinez anywhere near his coffin.

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From Marc Ragovin “For all those who beliieve that Bowe Bergdahl is being overly glorified after willingly abandoning his unit , bear in mind that he is now entitled to medical care through the VA system.

Upon being told that he is now eligible for medical care through tthe VA system, Bowe Bergdahl immediately requested to be sent back. “

The NY Racing Association stewards today unanimously approved equine nasal strips. Which means California Chrome can wear one during the Belmont. Translation, “we want people to watch the race.”

Disney is hiking prices for its one-day “Parkhopper” pass to both Disneyland and California Adventure Park over 10% to $150. For that amount of money people who want to see a high-priced Mickey Mouse organization can buy Lakers tickets

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Gender equality “crooks are stupid” moment. Danielle Shea, 22, had dropped out of Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. But she hadn’t told her parents, who were still sending money for tuition. So, as she admitted to police, she made bomb threats before the graduation ceremony so her parents wouldn’t find out. (Police caught Ms. Shea because she made the threats from her own phone.)

Kudos to Brandon Marshall, who signed his 3 year, $31 million contract extension with the Chicago Bears today on “The View.” Marshall, who has said he has a Borderline Personality Disorder, also said he would donate $1 million to mental health services. Nice move, and guessing Bears fans who might have a problem with it weren’t likely to be watching “The View” anyway.

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A European cruise ship, the Saga Sapphire, was temporarily stranded off the coast of Scotland when a fire caused the vessel to lose power. But the crew was able to quickly contain the blaze and restore power so the Sapphire will return to port and its regular schedule as normal. The passengers were relieved. CNN is disappointed.

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At Austin Peay State, in Tennessee, a giant 40 foot sinkhole has opened up in one end zone. And the Washington Redskins are thinking “Hmm, potentially one way to keep opposing offenses from scoring?”

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About 1.8 million pounds of ground beef in the U.S. is being recalled for possible E. coli contamination. Which means Taco Bell customers are safe as they never use any actual beef anyway.

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All of this speculation over who will and will not run for President in 2016, even though the primaries are almost two years away…. The process is becoming almost as over-hyped as the NFL draft.

The FAA is apparently investigating an April incident where a United Airlines flight from SFO landing at Newark apparently came within 400 feet of an ExpressJet United Express flight taking off. See, there are potentially worse things that can happen than just ending up in New Jersey.

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So the problem a lot of people have with the San Antonio Spurs is that they are “boring?” Meaning they play team basketball without a lot of showboating and their stars generally stay on the sports page instead of the front page? And the NBA wonders sometimes why they have an image problem.

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Researchers at the University of Sydney examined seven sets of data involving more than 1.25 million children and concluded that there was NO evidence to support a relationship between common vaccines for measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria, tetanus and whooping cough and the development of autism. Which will convince exactly no one who believes otherwise because it involves commie-pinko science and numbers.

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Lance Armstrong apparently tweeted a picture while he was playing “Cards Against Humanity,” and got the card saying “Lance Armstrong’s missing testicle.” But the real question, which card did Lance use to answer?

Now it’s the producers who were fired. Will the last person to leave American Idol please turn off the lights?

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The NHL Chicago Blackhawks won tonight to assure an all “Original Six” matchup against the Boston Bruins. Of course, for many Americans “Original Six” just means Tiger’s first seven girlfriends.

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For social media fans, an interesting side-note to today’s Belmont Stakes: From the thoroughbred racing rules: “Names can be up to 18 characters, including spaces and punctuation.” So was horse racing the original Twitter?

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Had Orb won the Preakness, the Belmont with a possible Triple Crown would have been one of the most watched few minutes of sports on Saturday. As it was, ratings probably made the WNBA look good.

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My friend Joe Salvatore points out that “Three different horses won the Triple crown races, and all three horses refuse to talk to the media.”

In addition, all three will soon be producing multiple offspring out of wedlock. Who says racehorses aren’t true athletes.

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A winning bidder paid $1,000,100 to have lunch with Warren Buffett. The best investment advice Buffett will probably give him? “Don’t spend $1 million on lunch.”

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On the Jimmy Kimmel show Shaquille O’Neal lost a shooting contest to a 2-year old. But to be fair, the kid had a big advantage. They probably told Shaq to imagine he was shooting free throws.

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Got to love human ingenuity. In Stockholm summer temperatures can reach 95 degrees, but train operators are forbidden from wearing shorts. So 13 men decided to obey the rules, by wearing skirts.

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The Santa Monica gunman wasn’t identified as of Saturday. Wonder which will come first. The police announcing his name, or the NRA saying we shouldn’t blame this on the easy availability of assault rifles.

First reports were that he was a young man. With a mass shooting isn’t saying “young man” almost redundant?

A T and T is now sending a video cellphone bill supposedly to make it easier to understand what additional things you are being billed for – with the note “if viewed on a mobile device standard data rates will apply.”

So now that “I’ll Have Another,” has been scratched from the Belmont, and our best hope of a horse racing Triple Crown is gone another year, should we really start consider setting the bar down to a “Double Crown?” –

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I’ll Have Another”, scratched for the Belmont for a tendon injury. Damn. Let’s hope he wasn’t washing his truck or something.

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Anyone want to guess the no-show percentage tomorrow for a sold out Belmont Park?

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I’ll Have Another has now formally been retired. What’s the difference between NBA players and thoroughbred racehorses? The players don’t wait until retirement to go out to stud.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently went to the emergency room with non-life threatening injuries today after totaling her Porsche in a accident today. So congratulations to all those who had June 7 in the pool. –

Detroit Lions lineman Nick Fairley, arrested May 27 for the 2nd time this spring:”I want to personally apologize to my fans, teammates and the organization for bringing this unwanted attention to our team. I recognize my actions were inexcusable and I personally need to uphold the expected standard of behavior of a professional athlete.” Over-under on how many times we’ll hear this same statement in 2012? –

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The bidding is up to $3,500,000 for the opportunity to have lunch with billionaire Warren Buffett. The first piece of investment advice Buffet will no doubt give the winner? “Don’t spend $3,500,000 on a lunch.”

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Even casual horse racing fans were disappointed by the news that “I’ll Have Another” has tendonitis and won’t be able to run for the Triple Crown tomorrow. Romney strategists are trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare.

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Six Mariners pitchers combined tonight for a no-hitter against the Dodgers. Long-suffering Seattle fans who didn’t see the game had only one question – did the team win?

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Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo has admitted he is the father of a 2nd out of wedlock child, (claims from 2 MORE women are pending. Lugo fathered these children while he was a Roman Catholic bishop. No word from the Vatican; presumably they are at least relieved Fernando was sleeping with adult women.

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The first match in the Eurocup 2012 was today. With no U.S. team playing, this means Americans could start ignoring the soccer tournament right from the beginning.

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To the driver of the little black BMW convertible driving at least 45-50 mph in a Palo Alto school zone, weaving in and out of traffic, and then running the light as it turned red, one question. Did the car make you a a**hole, or were you that way when you got it?

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11,000 San Francisco residents lost power this afternoon. Does this make them honorary SF Giants?

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Curt Schilling, an ardent small government conservative, and supporter of many GOP candidates, moved his video game company to Rhode Island in exchange for $75 million in state loan guarantees in 2010. The company, 38 Studios, filled for bankruptcy today. Where’s the Mitt Romney photo op on this one?