My Story of Changing Darkness to Light

Last year, I shared pretty publicly the struggle I had with suicidal thoughts after miscarrying in an article called “Saved From Suicide.”

I feel compelled to share a recent experience that gives me hope that not only can those feelings be managed one day at a time, but they can be eradicated from my life.

Pregnancy Take 12

When I discovered I was pregnant earlier this year, I cried. I didn’t cry tears of joy. I cried tears of terror. This pregnancy made pregnancy number 12 for me. Every pregnancy ended, for whatever mysterious and undiagnosable reason, in miscarriage. As the years and miscarriages progressed, so did my hormonal and emotional reactions. It took longer and longer for my levels to stabilize, leaving me longer and longer in emotional darkness.

I cried because the last dips were so severe and it took months to recover. I cried because of the pain I knew would come. I cried because of disappointment that would follow the pregnancy’s termination. I cried because I expected my husband and I would face it alone again. I cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left to cry about. Then I braced myself for the coming month or two and moved on acting as “normal” as possible.

Resignation to the Inevitable

The moment started two months later on the Saturday night before Fast Sunday in March. I cried in anger at the timing. My parents’ highly anticipated visit began the following Monday. I’d been scheduled to speak during the “Relief Society” Sacrament meeting the following Sunday. Oh, I felt frustration. We fasted for help.

I didn’t even know what to pray for. I just knew what I DIDN’T want. I prayed for guidance and council. I prayed for the ability to overcome. I prayed for hope. To be honest, I really didn’t expect any of those things. But as we started our fast, I prayed for them just the same.

I didn’t feel any special insight during church, just the foreboding. After church, Barbie, the Compassionate Service leader, and I met to discuss some needs. As we got ready to finish up, she looked at me intently and asked me some direct questions.

I felt like I stared at her face for 20 minutes deciding if I wanted to genuinely answer her questions or not. The Holy Ghost whispered I’d been fasting for guidance and help and peace and hope. Here was the most compassionate person I knew.

Transformative Moment #1—tell people who can ease my workload/burden

I told her I was pregnant and braced for imminent miscarriage and I wasn’t sure what to do and because of my history, I felt afraid. I asked if she could keep track of compassionate service needs without me. We were in the middle of baby due dates and meal coordination for 10 sisters in the ward. She absolutely did that.

She told me that Anthony and I shouldn’t go through the trial alone and made me promise to at least tell the bishop. She listened to me. She heard me. She felt me. I needed her and she was there for me.

I began spotting that afternoon. I messaged the bishop briefly explaining the situation, including the fact that I might disappear for a couple of months. I messaged the situation to Kim, a BFF, who I knew would make herself be available if I needed her or to flee to her house to avoid being alone—without explanation or judgment.

Darkness Started at Dawn

I braced myself for the wave to hit. The full force hit during the night. By dawn, I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

A few hours later, I went to pick up my parents from the airport trying to ignore the residual pain and discomfort and dread. I was so happy to see them. But I felt so strained. They’re the best and so gracious.

As the day wore on, I realized I couldn’t keep up the facade for a week. Anthony and I decided to tell them. So, I made him tell them. He’s so brave and strong. Of course they loved us and understood my need to rest periodically. They were so helpful about everything.

Transformative Moment #2–tell family who love and support me.

Mom, dad, Kim, and another friend from church went to the temple together on Thursday. I’d written a talk about applying the Atonement in our lives the week before, but felt some major disturbance about it. I wanted the Lord to verify it was what I was supposed to say on Sunday. And I also wanted His confirmation that He would carry me through the talk.

When the Light Seems Scarier than Darkness

During the temple session, I cried at the usual spots after a miscarriage. And then my mind went searching and searching to find His. Why the angst about talking about the Savior’s Atonement?

Suddenly, I found His will. I knew His mind. I gasped out loud! Kim asked if I was OK. But I was not. I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t supposed to speak then anyway.

What? How? Why?

He wanted me to share my experience, my fears. He didn’t want me to talk about applying the Savior’s Atonement. He wanted me to show them how I applied the Savior’s Atonement six days after a hidden, devastating loss. He wanted me to stand and testify of Him in my particular crisis.

I told Kim His answer in the dressing room. I felt like I was barely holding myself together as it was. My parents were buffers and we’d been so busy that I hadn’t really dealt with it yet. I totally freaked out.

Changing Darkness to Light

Sunday morning, I attended a meeting before church. Though in a room full of people, I felt totally alone. Something triggered me. The darkness began engulfing me. I felt claustrophobic. I heard the angry, bitter voices. I felt fear. Apparently despite everything I’d done and tried, the inevitable was still happening. I told Anthony during the few moments before church started. We sat together on a pew and he said a prayer for me.

Right before Sacrament meeting started, the Bishopric asked me to be the chorister for Sacrament meeting. This always happens on days like this. I’ve thought a lot about this pattern. It’s so curious. In getting everything situated for the meeting, I forgot to check the songs and someone else put up the hymn numbers. The Sacrament hymn? “I Stand All Amazed.”

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,

That he should extend his great love unto such as I, Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt! Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?

No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat, Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me Enough to die for me!

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

There I stood next to the Sacrament table, confused and trembling, redeemed, and rescued. If He could do That for me, surely I could stand as a witness of Him during a 10 minute talk on a very hard Sunday.

A Primary girl and a young woman shared their testimonies of Jesus Christ and ways they learned about Him. Then it was my turn.

Sunday morning, I told Anthony about my temple experience and asked for his opinion/permission to share something so personal to us. He said to do what I felt like I needed to do.

I’d put a couple of quotes on a page. I figured I could expound on those if I chickened out. That page seemed really white and really empty when I stood at the pulpit.

I started as planned and said what I’d wanted to say about coming to know that Jesus Christ truly is the Savior. Then the Holy Ghost told me it was time. I couldn’t see the blank page anymore. Afraid to look at Anthony, I looked into the congregation right at Kim. She met my gaze with compassionate understanding. I knew she knew what the Lord had commanded me to do and I knew she knew I knew what the Lord had commanded me to do.

I inhaled a deep breath. I opened my mouth and He filled it. Words flowed out of me. My vision blurred. I felt His power. Even if nobody else felt it, I FELT it. He knew me in my affliction. He knew my pain. He flooded the darkness with light. He filled my mouth and my soul.

I left the stand after the song. I melted into Anthony’s side hug as I sat in the pew. He expressed his love and then said I would get more support now than I could ever imagine—a whole ward full of love.

Transformative Moment #3–believe that your community offers love and support

What I recognized that I would have—more than ever before—was a ward full of accountability. I’d just stood and testified that the Savior’s Atonement can change darkness to light and I’d believed it. Now, riding that euphoria, I had to live it.

Several months have passed. I’ve had great days and not so great days, as expected. The hormonal turmoil is lessening much sooner than last time. But when the darkness I feared whispered into my ear and beckoned on multiple occasions, I quickly turned to that moment when the Lord filled my soul with light. I consciously remembered the light and I turned away from the darkness over and over and over again.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt! Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?

No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat, Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

About Delisa HargroveI am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have moved 64 times and have not tired of experiencing this beautiful earth! I love the people, languages, histories/anthropologies, & especially religious cultures of the world. My life long passion is the study & searching out of religious symbolism, specifically related to ancient & modern temples. My husband Anthony and I love our bulldog Stig, adventures, traveling, movies, motorcycling, and time with friends and family.

I feel privileged to have read your words and feel of your gargantuan spirit! Never have I heard such an awesome testimony of obedience! There is so much junk in the world, and it is creeping into our church. The Gadianton Robbers are everywhere! Men and women’s hearts are beginning to fail them over seemingly simple tipping points like who was sealed to Joseph Smith etc. I can’t concern myself with these kinds of things! I know I have to gain my eternal life, on my own doings.
I’m grateful that there are so many good people placed in our family and the church to help us! It is more difficult to be a Mormon than of any other faith! I know it would be easier to go a few time a year, put a few dollars in the collection place, and expect one minister to teach me the gospel. I just remind myself of that awesome quote, “I never said it would be easy, I just said it would be worth it!”
Everyone has hardships in their lives, but I’ve never known someone to have had this much adversity who has remained in the church! You are so amazing! You fill me with so much hope! It can be done, and we can all come off conquerors in the end when it will really matter!
Continue to keep your hand so firmly on the rod. I KNOW Heavenly Father love you!

Thank you for sharing this. Thank you. You are always an example to me. When I had my fare share of trials a couple of years back, I felt alone and lonely and has left me with lots of anxiety overy many things today. But I learned that that feeling came to me so I can strengthen my relationship with God and realized that he can carry us. He can lift our heavy loads. You are at the right place and surrounded with some amazing people and you touch our lives so we can gain strength. And family and friends yes oh they are so important. Such a blessing to have sisters who are not your blood relative but offers a shoulder to cry on. Pure love of Christ. Hang in there.Thank you again for all you do and for being friends to everyone in the ward, every SIngle One and being genuinely interested on our welfare. You are GOD Sent. Love everything you right about and thanks for sharing something so personal to us.Truly inspirational.

Dearest Delisa…so, so sorry for your loss. Life has been pretty hard for a “1” who, but for your Gethsemane’s, is usually more light than matter herself. But oh my…what gains. What powerful gifts of knowledge to compliment your gift for writing, which lights the way for others. Especially me. Sending a massive hug to you in this little word box. ☉

Thank you for this beautiful post! The inspiration that came to me as I read and cried through it was, we dispel darkness by focusing on the light. Something we all need to remember. I love you and I am so sorry for your loss. Please continue to inspire us with your words of wisdom.

You absolutely amaze me. I am so, so sorry about this loss. I truly am. I love you so much and appreciate you sharing this story. You always, always set such a great example with your actions and your words. Love you!!

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