The Journey of Me

2017 has a been a year of major changes for me. I quit my job at the Charter School in DC with no job in place. I took a TEFL course and moved to Costa Rica. I got a job at an amazing school near the beach. I left my fiancé. I started dating someone else. I sold my car in the states. I started attending church.

2017 tested me in more ways than one. The major thing 2017 taught me was to love and trust myself. I learned that I can make anything happen if I love and trust in myself. I trusted that moving to Costa Rica would be the best thing for me. It has been the greatest thing. It has shown me how to love and how to trust.

I loved my ex fiancé with everything I had. A lot of people think this may not be true because I left him for someone else. Someone I started talking to before I left my fiancé. He was even upset with how everything went down the last few months for a little while. It is okay though. I know what I did. I was honest and upfront about everything. I let him know exactly what I was doing. I asked what he thought and how he felt. I gave him the choice to do what he needed to do.

When I went back to the states for Christmas, I saw him and we talked about many things. We left things on a good note. We left things exactly where they need to be. He knows I love him. He knows I did everything I possibly could. He understands and respects the reasons and things I did. He is an amazing guy. This wasn’t the only reason we were able to do this. We were able to do this because of who I became. Who I was and how I responded to everything. I came with love and trust. He saw that and did the same with me.

While I was back in the states, my new boyfriend was staying at my place. I did the same thing with him. I loved and trusted. I was honest about what I was doing, what I was learning, and who I was becoming. I learned a lot about him during this time. He told me things about how he lives his life and what he believes. It was hard for him. I accept those things about him. I actually love those things about him. I learned that I can have everything he has to offer because I love and trust myself. I learned that I do not have to settle on the things that I want or need.

The last few years, I worked hard on myself. I worked on breaking down the barriers that are stopping me. I worked on finding and knowing my true and authentic self. 2017, was a test to see if I would love myself and give myself what I need. I can say I accomplished that. The universe has given me so much in return for the effort and work I put into myself.

In 2018, I will continue to work on myself and become the best version of me. I will continue to accept that I can have the best possible things in life. I will continue to love and trust. I will continue to be who I am meant to be. I will continue to give my all. I will not give up on myself and what I want.

I hope that you all achieve many things in 2018 because this is the year to make things happen. This is the year to achieve your dreams and learn deeply.

I have been thinking about the word failing and what I means to me. How failing applies to my life and the way I view situations. I have failed in the past. In the last few years, I have change my goals so that I do not fail.

Failing has many definitions. The one that applies to most people is “to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal.” You can fail depending on the goals you make.

Let’s look at my marriage. My marriage to Josh failed because my goal going into the marriage was to have a long and happy marriage. Of course, that didn’t happen. We were married for two years and we were not happy. When the marriage ended I felt like a failure. My marriage failed as it relates to my goal. I failed because I was unsuccessful in having a long and happy marriage.

Now let’s look at my engagement to Jon. Most people go into engagements with the goal of getting married. So, if the engagement ends, they failed. To me, an engagement is a period of time where you make completely sure that person is the one you want to marry. If you knew 100% that you wanted to marry that person why not just get married? What is the point in waiting to get married if you know? Yes, people use this time to plan a wedding and that makes sense. There are many people who plan the wedding and cancel the wedding because they realized in that time this person wasn’t the person for them.

Being engaged is a higher commitment than just dating and a lower commitment than marriage. In that commitment, things can be shown to the people involved. Those things can make or break the engagement. So, when Jon and I got engaged, I did not want to fail so I went into the engagement with the goal of figuring out if I wanted to marry this man or not. Neither of us was sure we wanted to marry the other person. We knew there was potential there and the engagement would show us what we needed to know because of the different level of commitment involved in being engaged. About a month ago, I ended the engagement. The engagement didn’t fail because our goal was to see if marriage was right for us. It turns out marriage wasn’t right for us. I achieved my goal.

I have dreams of having a successful marriage, having kids, and changing the world. I can have these dreams with or without a man. The way I look at it, I have these things now. I have a successful marriage with myself. I have children that I teach and grow with everyday at school. I am changing the world by becoming a better version of myself.

I am dating someone new right now. We have been talking about life a lot the last few days. He recently asked me “How do you see yourself in the future in 1 or 2 years? With or without me?” I said “with you.” His response was “What happens if the universe tells you to change the opinion? What happens if your heart changes?” (The google translation from Spanish to English) My response was then that’s what happens (the shortened version). I am not going into the relationship with him because I want to marry him or have kids with him. I admit I would like those things with him. Yet, I am going into the relationship with him to learn and grow myself and to experience something great. If we get married or have kids than that’s awesome. If we don’t than that is awesome too. I cannot fail because I am experiencing something great and I am growing myself. I already achieved my goal and the relationship just started. If I continue to grow myself and experience great things than I achieved my goal. This goal can never end because there are always things to experience and there are always thing to grow.

The way to not fail is to change your goals to something that would allow you to succeed. There are things that you cannot control. I cannot control what my significant other will do so why make a goal based on that person? A marriage is based on two people. Why make the goal of the marriage to succeed if you cannot control what the other person does? Yes, we all want marriages to succeed yet that cannot be your only goal because it could end if the other person doesn’t pull their weight or do what they need to do. If you make the goal of the marriage to learn and grow yourself you will never fail because you have control over that.

You can apply this concept to everything, not just marriages. I have been doing this for a few years now and I have not failed. The last time I “failed” was my marriage 6 years ago. It failed because of the goal I had going in to it. I have since changed my goals to ones that keep me succeeding. If the relationships fall or you lose something, it will still be hard and sometimes painful. The thing is that you use that to grow and learn about yourself. You will still make mistakes that you can learn from. It makes it easier to handle the pain and sadness when you know you didn’t fail. When you know you did the best you can, it makes the sadness and pain pass quicker and easier.

I’m on my way back to the states for Christmas. It’s been a hard few weeks leading up to this trip. The original plans changed many times. It’s all turning out perfect though. As I am flying, I am having time to think and process everything that’s happened since November.

Since November, I called it quits with my fiancé. I started dating someone else. I decided to sell my car in the states and make Costa Rica my permanent home for the next few years or longer. I surprised my mom by changing my flight to see her before I come back to Costa Rica.

A week ago one of my students asked me” who are you?” I said “Ashley” he said “no who is the real ashley?” And walked away. This had me thinking. So… here’s what came to me.

I realized a lot of things in my life. I don’t know who I am because I am becoming my true self. The person I was always pushed away things. I have so much love, patience, and giving. I pushed that away for so long. I couldn’t give love the way I do now because i thought i would get hurt. I realized that that’s not true. I got hurt because i gave or loved and expected things in return. Of course, I never got what I gave back so I felt angry and mad. I realize now that I have to let go of that. I have to give and love because that’s who I am. That’s what I do.

When I was in middle school, i used to do so many things in the community. At Christmas, one of my favorite memories is handing out cards with my dad to the shut ins at my church. I did that because I had love to give. The people were older people who couldn’t leave there houses for one reason or another. My dad and I would make these people so happy. We would spend a long time with some of the people. One lady, who I will never forget, cried because she was so touched by what my dad and I had done.

I miss the person I used to be in middle school. I am slowly becoming a better version of her. I’ve done a few things since being in Costa Rica that brought me back to that person I was.

I used to love kids with a passion. I would help teach Sunday school and bible study at church. I don’t know what happened. For many years, I haven’t felt that. I knew I loved kids I just didn’t have the passion for it like I used too. The kids I teach now have given me that passion back. They make me cry and laugh and love. They have allowed me to be who I really am. I thought for the past 4 years, I won’t have kids. I need to be a certain way to have kids. I don’t want to bring kids into this world. I realize that I can have children not because I need them or that it would fill some void I have. I realize I can have them because I have something to offer them. I have a life that would show them so much. It’s not about being perfect for them. It’s about showing them how to handle the tough times. It’s about being honest with them. It’s about doing what I do best. It’s about being my authentic self. It’s about working for what I want. They will see what I do and they will do that. I know this because that’s what my parents did for me.

I am a new person because of this experience. Because of how I chose to love even when I don’t want too. It’s about doing what’s right even when it’s hard. It’s about giving myself permission to have nice things. It’s about loving people who you care about. It’s about letting people in to your heart because you know you have something to offer them. Its about trusting yourself and what you feel.

There are things I questioned many times over the last 6 years. There was always this voice in my head that asked “are you sure? Is this what YOU REALLY want?” Some times I ignored that.

The biggest questions I had came when I got married to Josh. There was always this voice in my head that asked “are you sure? Is this what YOU REALLY want?” I ignored them all. I didn’t listen to a single question. Lately, I’ve learned to be cautious when I have questions. One of those being my engagement to Jon. I write a lot. I recently went and reread what I wrote the past year and half. From the moment he proposed I questioned whether it was right or not. We would start to plan the wedding and those thoughts came and said “really? Really?” So we would stop planning the wedding. Everyone asked us what the date was. Our response was we don’t know some time in 2018. I realize now why those questions were there. I realize those thought were the universe telling me that’s not what I’m supposed to do.

I realize this because all those questions are gone. I feel relieved and peaceful. I still struggle because I feel like i should question things. I try to question things and I can’t. The questions have no answers. Other than this is right. I feel confident and full. I am emotional and cry all the time. It’s good because I am happy. I am living a life I could never have imagined.

The next two weeks will be a game changer for me. I know on December 31 when I fly back to Costa Rica my life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I don’t know why or how. I just know. I am ready for it.

Love your life. Love the people in it. Grow and push yourself to have what you truly want. Look deep inside. If there questions be careful and learn why they are there. They are there for a reason. When something is right, there will be no questions. You will know in your soul it’s right.

Five years ago, I got a letter in the mail from the court house in Annapolis. It was my divorce decree. My divorce was final after a year of waiting. It was over.

My ex-husband and I started dating when I was 17 years old. We were together for 5 years, married for 2. There were things that shouldn’t have happened. We shouldn’t have gotten married and we probably should have broken up after a year and half of dating.

One thing that I do know is I would never change what happened. If I had to go back and do it all over again I wouldn’t change a single thing. I wouldn’t change a single thing because who I became after the marriage was a blessing. Yes, right after we separated I was going out drinking and doing things I probably shouldn’t have done. I was having trouble dealing with the separation. I did learn that I deserved a better life. I realized that I can have something greater than that.

Towards the end of the marriage, I would ask my ex-husband what’s the meaning of life? I would ask if there was more to this life than what we had? His response was… this is it, this is all there is. For some reason, I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe that there was nothing more to life than what I was living. I couldn’t accept that.

I went through some struggles and in the end my mind was opened to a life I never could have imagined. I realized this because of the things my ex-fiance, Jon, taught me. The last 6 years with Jon have been some of the hardest times of my life. They were full of ups and downs. There was growth and there was stagnation. There were things that I wanted that I never got. There were things that I knew I could have.

Now, being here is Costa Rica, I am seeing that I can have those things and many more. I am seeing that this is where I am supposed to be. The life I have created here in this short amount of time is the most rewarding and amazing life. If you asked me 5 years ago, if I would be where I am today, I would laugh in your face and call you crazy.

I have the most wonderful students. They give my life have a meaning it’s never had. I have friends that mean the world to me. My best friend in the US and I have grown closer. My new friends here are perfect. My home is full of energy that keeps me going. My co-workers are wonderful and amazing! I am blessed to be able to work with such an amazing group of people. I have someone special in my life that is showing me so many things about love and life. More importantly, he is showing me about myself.

I could be angry and upset about what happened in my marriage. The thing is… it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I have learned so many things from my relationship with my ex-husband. Even though he is not in my life any more I am still learning and growing from the mistakes I made in the relationship. I look back on what happened and use it to give me a better life. There is no way to grow without looking at your past. Looking at your past gives you the keys to freedom. If you don’t take responsibility for your past it will only continue into your future.

“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see if you can either run from it or learn from it”~~ Rafiki

A few weeks ago, something told me that December would be the month to remember. It is only December 8th and amazing things have happened. One of the biggest things that has happened is what I have learned about myself. I have learned what being feminine is. I have learned to love without receiving it back. I have learned to be patient and trusting with myself.

Things change all the time because we are learning and growing. I am seeing what is possible for my life. I am seeing a life I never knew would be possible for me. I am seeing how I can influence the world around me. Life is absolutely an amazing thing to live. I am learning to be honest even when the other person I am being honest with won’t want to hear it. I am learning how to speak with a feminine voice.

This is only the beginning of a beautiful and wonderful life that I am creating for me. There is so much to life that I never knew could be possible. There is so much to me that I never knew was possible. I am being shown just what I am made of, what’s really inside me.

I got this. You got this. You can have anything you want if you set your mind to growing and understanding yourself in a deep and meaningful way. Letting go of the ego and all the things that do not support you.

Things have been changing so quickly for me. In the last month, I have made some crazy decisions. They seem like they are not things that I thought about before and are irrational. The thing is I’ve been thinking about these things long before I made the actually decision.

I am gaining momentum and with momentum comes movement. Some people see the movement and get scared because it’s happening so quickly. This is my life and that’s what my life does. When I set my mind to having change within myself everything changes. The inside and the outside. The momentum has been building for a while now. It’s interesting because you need momentum. When you are trying to jump over a canyon you can’t walk or stand still. You have to get a running start so you have momentum to propel yourself far enough to make it over instead of falling in.

I couldn’t be happier with all the changes. More importantly I’m alive. I’m living my life. I am with people that are important to me. I am changing my ideas and beliefs about things. I am reacting differently to the craziest situations. I am inspiring people to be the best versions of themselves.

This life is amazing and I’m not slowing down. This is just beginning. I’ve got momentum and I’m not stopping it. No one is going to stop my momentum. No one is going to stop my growth. I will not limit myself because other people don’t like it. I will do what I need to do and what I know is right for me.

This life is wonderful and amazing. This life has so much to offer. This momentum is preparing me for something more. A lifetime of freedom and a happiness is what I strive for. I kept myself in a box for many years. I was depressed and angry. This is not the life I have right now. Or the life I want. I thought I knew everything I wanted in my life. This growth and adventure has shown me things I didn’t know I wanted. Also, it is showing me things I knew I wanted and never went after them.

I was losing patience with a friend of mine easily the last few weeks. I realize now that it wasn’t that I was losing patience with him. I was losing patience with myself. I was not looking at something in a realistic view. I needed to tell my ex-fiancé that I can’t spend time with him when I come back for Christmas and he can’t come here for two weeks. I thought that we could do vacation together because we have done it before when we were not dating. This time is different though. The situation this time is different and seeing each other for that much time would not be good for either of us. Which is okay. I now feel free to start the next chapter of my life. Don’t get me wrong there are things we need to finalize. Those are just small details that won’t stop me from moving on with my life.

Right now, he and I are going down two different paths. The universe is having us go separate ways. I do not know if our paths will meet again. That’s okay because he and I are both better people now. We helped each other grow and learn. I will carry that with me forever, even if we aren’t together forever

My life hasn’t ended. It’s just a new chapter. A new adventure for me to experience and discover.

I have absolutely no words right now. I am free. I cannot believe I just did that. I was able to trust in a way I have never trusted before. I was able to love in a way I have never before. I stopped the voices in my head. I listened to my heart. It was perfection, absolutely perfect.

Life is one beautiful thing. When you listen to the universe and trust the universe things happen. The most beautiful and amazing things happen. I cannot explain what happened. Unreal. It is unreal. I don’t even know how I am right now. I had a breakthrough. I just broke through a barrier I have had many times before. I did it with ease. I did it with almost no struggle. I saw something about to happen and I just stopped it. I stopped it with trust and love.

I am realizing that confusion happens when your old way of thinking contradicts your new way of thinking. You get confused because you aren’t sure whether or not to accept the new way of thinking. You don’t understand it because it’s new to you. Confusion can be used to help you grow as a person. It can help you figure out who you really are.

I know that my life is absolutely confusing right now. It doesn’t make any sense. People don’t understand my life because it’s not what they are used too. I don’t understand my life because I am not used to what’s going on. I am becoming someone that I have never been so of course that will be confusing. I am seeing things about myself that are new and scary. I am changing my perspective on relationships and how I live my life. I am changing my perspective on what should and could happen. I am changing my perspective on what I know as truth. I am seeing the other side of the coin. This is going to be confusing because I never knew there was another side of the coin. I never knew there was another way to live of than the one I was living.

I am also realizing that the only person that can make you confused is you. Your thoughts and feelings about a situation can cause you to be confused. Someone can do or say something that you don’t understand because its new to you. The thing is that you can chose to look at it with out confusion. When you don’t trust yourself that is when you become confused. When you don’t trust your path or what your capable of you can easily become confused. It doesn’t have to make sense because somethings don’t make sense. The confusion will go away when you trust yourself and your choices.

I have been confused for the last few weeks because I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t want to trust that I know what’s best for me. Now, I know how to get through whatever the universe sends me. I am no longer confused because I know what I am capable of. I know what I need and want. I know that the universe has my back. Don’t get me wrong there are many things I don’t know or understand. I just have peace that when I need to know what those things mean I will know. Right now, I’m not supposed to know what it means. I am going to just go with the flow because confusion is where I learn about myself and life.

Embrace the confusion. It’s there for you to learn something new. It’s there for you to think outside the box. You gain clarity from confusion.

Have you ever had negative energy you can’t seem to get rid of? Or thoughts that are so strong you think they are real?

I’ve been having that happen to me recently. I have been having a reaction to something that happened the other day. My ego can’t handle it for a few reasons. One reason is no one would love me enough to do that. Second, I am not good enough to be with so why would someone do that? These are thoughts I have been having since I was a child. They are always there and they try to destroy my relationships. They are back again in full force. They are trying to find every reason possible that I will get hurt and that I need to back off. Some of the reasons are not even real. They are happening because I am scared. I am vulnerable. My ego doesn’t like being vulnerable so it tries to close me off.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I could get hurt because I have expectations that I shouldn’t have. These expectations about the situation are what will get me hurt. I want things which is good it gives you some sense of purpose and at the same time if the other person doesn’t want those things either it can cause harm. My ego is telling me that I need this so therefore I should get it. That’s not the case. Yes, I do need things yet no one is entitled to give it to me except me. So if I put this expectation on someone else I no longer have control because it’s outside of me. I need to give it to myself.

People do love me enough and I am good enough. I know this because I have myself and I love myself. I won’t let myself go. I won’t let myself down. I am always here for me. Or at least I thought I was. I have a friend here with me. She has been here since Thursday. I have given myself space and I haven’t given myself enough space. I haven’t done my breathing. I haven’t exercised. I haven’t cried because I need to cry. I have been holding all my emotions in because my friend is here. This is not loving myself. This is not being there for myself. I have written and talked about what is going on. I haven’t taken the time to just be within myself. I haven’t given myself the space to let go of the emotions I am having. Doing this is one of the most important things for me to do. Crying and moving the emotions are things that I have to do or my thoughts run wild. I begin to think I am not good enough and no one loves me. This is because I am not loving myself. I am not there for myself to let myself know I am good enough.

Today I will give myself love and time. I will move the emotions. I will be here for myself because I have to be here for myself. No one else will be here for me except me. No one else knows exactly what I need except me. I am the only one who can figure out what is best for me. I can talk to people all day long and at the end of the day I am the only one I need to talk to. I am the only one that knows the answers to my questions. I am the only one who can give me the love that I need.

There have been a lot of emotions racing through my body the last few days. I don’t understand them. I feel so many things at once. Some of the emotions contradict themselves. Why can you feel completely happy and completely mad at the same time? Why can you feel like you love someone and at the same time you don’t?

I told my fiancé that we needed a break last Thursday. It wasn’t what I was planning to do. It just happened. I have been feeling frustrated and angry with him for many reasons. Somethings are things that I need to work out on my own. Somethings are things he needs to work out with himself. Our relationship needs this space because if we don’t take this space it won’t be good in the end.

I am feeling resentment and anger. I am not 100% there because I have some growth that I need to do. I can sit here and blame him for my unhappiness and my resentment. The thing is that does nobody any good. I need to own up to my faults and work on what I need to better myself. Don’t get me wrong, he has done somethings in the relationship as well. I cannot make him own up to that or make him see that he messed up too. The only thing I can do is get myself right with me. If he wants us and he wants to make us work, then he will do the work he needs to do within himself.

Then there is the other guy. He is working through some stuff with his life. I am seeing him take what I am showing him and running with it. I am seeing him be present with people in his life in ways that he hasn’t. This is fantastic. This is requiring me to get close to him in ways I have never been mentally. He is falling for me, hard. I am having a reaction to this. Which is crazy. You would think that I would love it and run with it. The thing is I can’t. I don’t know why. I don’t know what is going on.

I have always been one to move very quickly in a relationship. I am always the first to say I love you or make a move. I don’t see myself being with this guy for many reasons. Yet, I do love him. I feel something for him. The something is new to me. It’s not like the love I have experienced in the past. I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it. I get confused when I think about it because I love my fiancé. I love him more than anything in the world. He and I will still get married eventually. We just need a break to figure something out. With this other guy, it’s love. It’s just a love that I don’t know how to explain. And my mind can’t understand how I can love two men at once? How can I feel this way for two people even though the feelings are completely opposite? How? There are two words that comes to mind. HOW?!? WHY?!?

I will say that I am terrified to post this blog. I am beyond scared to post this because the whole world will see it. My fiancé and the other guy could see it. They could become confused or take what I am saying the wrong way. I just need to get this out. I don’t understand any of this. I really don’t. I know that this is part of the process of letting go because the universe is giving me strong feelings to write and post this. Since the universe is telling me to write and post this, there is something that I am going to learn from doing so.

Once I get what I am supposed to learn I will post about it. This life is amazing and wonderful. I am living it to the fullest.