American Comedienne living in Belgium and blogging about odds and bits

05 January 2009

My List of Grievances

So I’m walking along the very narrow path by the canal yesterday and bicyclists (who aren’t even supposed to be on the path – it’s for pedestrians!) keep speeding up making only a cursory jiggling noise with their bike to get me to move aside at the last minute. Everyone knows pedestrians have the right of way there, but it seems that without a neon sign posted every few meters that some people “forget” and choose to terrorize pedestrians. All us pedestrians would have to do is jut out an elbow at the right moment and those two-wheeled bastards would go flying over the guardrail into the canal. I only wish they would appreciate the enormous restraint we are exercising in not doing so.

Unfortunately, many people engage in annoying behavior simply because no one has bothered to post guidelines telling them not to. So, in the hope that some people prone to annoying behavior might read my blog, I am posting some items which should be obvious, but since they apparently aren’t, definitely need mentioning. When I can get around to painting huge signs and posting them in the appropriate places, I will. Until then, this list will have to suffice.

Item #1: People who wait in a long line at a cashier who don’t bother getting their cash ready to pay until the very end of the transaction at which point they embark on an expedition through their hand bag (yes, it’s usually people of the feminine persuasion) looking for their wallet. Everyone in the line behind them sighs and rolls their eyes and makes angry little noises, but most likely some of those angry people have no idea where their wallets are, either. Get it together, people!

Item #2: People who make you take your shoes off when visiting their homes.

This is one of the most invasive things someone can do when you’ve just been good enough to come and visit them. People who make you remove your shoes at their door rarely provide you with a dignified way to do so. Instead you’re meant to sit on the floor or awkwardly balance on one leg or otherwise fend for yourself. It is my contention that people who demand that you remove your shoes should also offer to wash your feet like they did for visitors in Biblical times. It seems only fair.

The only time that people even somewhat have an excuse for demanding this of you is if they’ve got small children who they feel the need to let crawl all over the floor, but even then my inclination would be to prefer not to have baby spit all over my bare feet, thank you very much.

People who always demand that you take your shoes off when coming over are either A) Far gone hippies; B) Too lazy to use their vacuum cleaner; or C) Sadistic Control Freaks. People are demeaned and vulnerable when they are made to be seen in public in their socks and that’s why these people do this. My advice if you know lots of people who do this is to invest in several sizes of clown shoes, keep them by the door and insist your shoe-removal-in-their-house friends change into them when entering your home. They will either take the hint or stop inviting you over. Either option is acceptable.

Item #3: People who talk during movies.

These offenders can be divided into several sub-categories:

A) The Actor-Spotter: These people are constantly engaged in some sort of Hollywood trivia game no matter how dramatic the action is on the screen. You’ll be watching a moving scene, hanging on every word of dialogue and this will happen:

OFFENDER: ” Hey isn’t that....um....now I can’t think of her name. She was in that movie with Woody Allen years ago but I think she’s changed her hair. She was so funny in that movie. And that other guy he was in something else too. He looks a lot different now, though.”

....During which the more polite people in the room are serially clearing their throats and I’m boiling with rage until I press the pause button and suggest we have a discussion group about the cast.

B) The Advice-Giver: These donuts will make suggestions to the characters on the screen as if their suggestions might be heard and considered. “Don’t go in there!” they’ll say, or “Watch out! He’s behind you!” or “You shouldn’t have opened that door!” – I think back in medieval times these people were probably burned at the stake for entertainment after plays.

C) The Random Conversation Maker: These people will just start conversations as if the movie you’re watching is background music. They’ll ask you where good restaurants are in the neighborhood, or if you’ve heard that they’re building a new shopping mall in town or any other number of things that HAVE NOTHING WHATSOVEVER TO DO WITH THE FILM THAT YOU’RE WATCHING. And inevitably these same people later criticize the film for having not made any sense.

D) The “Shecky”: These people think that they are funnier than everything in the film and they set out to prove it by making sarcastic remarks every 2 minutes. And worse than that, they never seem to have the ability to time their remarks between the dialogue in the film. Instead you miss what’s going on in the film entirely and might as well turn off the sound altogether and just let them run their mouth.

Item #4: Couples Who Share Email Addresses.

The first time I saw this happening I thought that perhaps just that one particular couple were freaks, but then I saw it happening a lot and realized that apparently a lot of people think this is acceptable behavior. If email addresses were expensive then I would understand, but they are free, people! I’ve got 5 of them myself!

There’s a certain innate belligerence in a shared email address – as if the couple is saying, ”Anything you can say to me, you can say to him as well!”. Also I think couples who do this are highly suspicious of each other and probably the kind of people who would insist on reading each other’s emails daily anyway if they didn’t share an address. And now everyone else knows how possessive they are because of their shared email. Creepy, creepy, creepy.

Item #5: People who don’t smile in photos. You can be laughing and having a good time with these people, but the minute you get your camera out they stare back at you with a practiced model-esque pout. It’s SO annoying and it inevitably makes them and you look ridiculous (you by proxy for being seen with them). There is nothing less sexy than trying to look sexy, so just stop doing it!.....

2 comments:

Well. 1. I would insist you remove your shoes at my place if you bring lots of mudd to my house. Sorry, but I don't want to clean my carpet afterwards. I am too lazy for that. It's OK if your shoes are clean but if not and you still want to keep them on, than I'll ask you to clean them and then put them back on. And certainly, if you're, say, in Russia, or Japan people would consider it as an insult if you do not take off your shoes while entering the house. That's the rule. 2. I'm someone who doesn't smile on the photos if I can't. I just cannot force it. Well, you've seen my childphotos so you can understand))) I smile if I want to and I don't smile if don't want to. That's what I think:)