Business

BOONE, NC– In a situation shareholders are calling “a real head-scratcher,” last month’s merger between the local Auto Bell and neighboring Taco Bell has proven to not be as good an idea as originally thought. “We figured it would be the ultimate convenience,” said Taco Bell franchise owner Harry Graham. “People like clean cars and people like tacos so who[Read More…]

BOONE, NC — Several reports indicate that the K from the Kmart sign was stolen from the shredded remains of the old supermarket Monday night and has since been displayed in dramatic fashion skewered on a spike in front of the Wal-Mart. The graphic scene, which many detailed to be more gruesome than anything they’d ever seen, left shoppers in[Read More…]

HOOKSETT, NH – After stressing her devotion to overturning Citizens United and ensuring that unaccountable money is cast from the political system, Hillary Clinton paused during a speech at Hooksett Town Hall on Monday to allow for a brief, 30-second message from her AT&T sponsors. “Big money is corrupting American politics. It is time we make certain that average voters have[Read More…]

Boone, NC–In the days following the tragic attacks in Paris, sophomore Alvin Barris has announced his plans to order a McAlister’s French Dip every day in support of the embattled nation. “I just wanted to help in any way I could,” said Barris. “I couldn’t figure out how to put the French flag over my profile picture, so I decided[Read More…]

BOONE, NC — Calling the decision “a simple matter of security,” Governor Pat McCrory announced plans Monday to deny those camping in front of the Boone Krispy Kreme entry into the newly-opened donut bakery. “I empathize with these people out here in the cold,” said McCrory, gesturing to the small shanty-town of tents erected outside the building. “But we’ve all[Read More…]

BOONE, NC – Onlookers were stunned at the Boone Bojangles Thursday when drive-thru patron Stephen Hatler’s $280 order was rendered pointless and inedible after the store ran out of honey mustard. “I mean, without the honey mustard, what’s the point?” said Hatler after cancelling his order, which consisted of multiple 12-piece tailgate specials, approximately 60 chicken supremes, and every biscuit[Read More…]

RALEIGH, NC – Sam and Carol Brenson recently put out an advertisement in the newspaper begging anyone to adopt their son Chet after every adoption agency in the country turned away their shitty kid. The parents admitted to realizing that they didn’t want to raise Chet anymore when he was as young as four. “That was the first time he[Read More…]

RALEIGH, NC – Thoroughly reveling in the monetary spoils of their recent lobbying efforts which ultimately led to a 5.5% statewide increase in teachers salaries plus longevity, members of the North Carolina Association of Educators celebrated with a lavish dinner at a Raleigh area Long John Silver’s Friday night, sources confirmed. After scrutinizing various Yelp reviews, examining the menu in[Read More…]