Thursday, November 4, 2010

No Do-Overs This Time

I am feeling a little bit under the weather today. Can’t say that I actually feel bad…but I definitely do NOT feel good. I will be very happy to be at home in my own bed this weekend.

One of my co-workers has been spending a lot of time being disgruntled. I have to say- it takes a whole lot of effort to walk around mad at the world. That kind of reminds me of drinking. It took so much effort for me to be an alcoholic. Always planning and sneaking…

In the very beginning of my sobriety it DID take a lot of effort not to drink. I had to break the habit of it. I also came to realize that there was never going to be a time when I could take a drink and feel like “wow.. that was the greatest drink in the world! I never have to drink again.” There were a lot of those times when I sat at home (drunk) with a drink in my hand, knowing that I had to get sober. Every time I did decide to get sober it was in a drunken state. I would sit, thinking “this is it… this is the last drink.” Even this time. The difference now is that I know I can’t ever drink again. There will be no time, ever, that I can be in control of my drinking.

I know now that one drink will turn into another one, and another. I equate it to being on a diet. When you mess up you figure- well the day is shot- might as well eat what I want and start again tomorrow. But then tomorrow is date night, or a wedding, or a family dinner, so that day is shot too. Then hell- might as well indulge the entire weekend and start again on Monday. My life was a perpetual “do-over” day. But not this time. This time I am making it… I am so thankful for that.

4 comments:

It took me so long to realise that there really wasn't ever going to a time when I'd be able to control my drinking - the question was always in the back of my mind waiting to catch me out.

Unfortunately bad days come, but it is good to see that you are dealing with them so sensibly. I would get very angry about the 'bad days' because I thought that they were a sign that something was going wrong; in fact they are just a sign that I'm alive :-)

The first few times I tried to get sober I always gave myself a goal for when I could drink again. in 3 months, or when I was 10 lbs lighter... it was always something. It's a hard thing realizing you can't ever drink. Bad days do come..but they come for everybody. You definitely don't have to be an alcoholic to have all the trials and tribulations of life. I know there are more bad days out there- they are inevitable- the good news is I am finding many more days of dealing with them than just running for a bottle.