Depression after abuse

I'm at university, have a job as well and I'm severely depressed. I need some advice....

Question

I'm at university, have a job as well and I'm severely depressed. I need some advice.

My depression affects my everyday life. I have been on Prozac for almost two years now and I don't see myself coming off it yet as I still seem to get so depressed.

Most of my problems stem from my childhood and my life at home.

My dad sexually abused me and I don't like to talk about it.

I was forced to see a psychiatrist when I was at school, which was a disaster. When I made the choice not to go, my parents were informed and this made everything worse.

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Only one person really knows about what has happened at home. He is someone who knows the family, but I trust him, he's the only one who hasn't been involved or tried to involve child protection and social services.

The problem is I don't know what to do any more. I probably only get 5 hours sleep a night at most, the flashbacks and nightmares keep me up and I'm scared to go to sleep.

I often resort to taking far too much paracetamol or Nurofen just to go to sleep and to sleep solidly.

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I have made the decision to never tell my family what has happened. I have a little niece and nephew and they need a granddad and I know he will be a good granddad to them. He would never hurt them.

I hate myself too. I blame myself and have constant feelings of guilt over what I did to cause all of this.

Even though I have people close to me, I feel so alone beacuse I can never talk to them. I can never tell them what I'm thinking and what's going through my mind.

Telling them I'm seeing my dad rape me, and that I can feel and smell him nearly everyday of my life wouldn't really go down too well.

I just want to give up.

I'm seeing my GP monthly and will see her next Tuesday, do you think I should ask to change medications, and how will I know I can trust any psychiatrist or psychologist that she may suggest that I see?

The other thing is that when I left from seeing her last month I gave her a letter that explained why I was so depressed. I had never told her.

I've asked her to not put it on my record, I just want someone other than me to know, I don't want to be on my own through all this any more.

When someone tells a GP something like this is there a procedure that they have to follow or will she listen to what I want and feel?

Please help me, I don't know what to do any more.

I've taken too many overdoses and cut myself numerous times. I'm sure one day soon I won't wake up.

I too am deeply sorry about how you feel and also about everything you've had to put up with.

Your decision not to tell anyone about your past abuse is obviously a very firm one and I'm therefore not going to try to change your mind.

However, I will say this. While this hideous secret of yours goes untreated and unhelped, I think you're going to have much more trouble getting over your depression than someone who does not have your troubled background.

Furthermore, any specialist seeing you is going to be trying to help you without being in possession of the full facts - something that makes his or her job enormously difficult.

I also feel I must challenge something you say in your email. You say you don't want to deprive your niece and nephew of a granddad. You insist that your dad – who abused you – would never hurt them.

I am sorry to tell you I don't share your confidence in this matter. Most abusers abuse time and time and time again if they're not stopped.

So, I think there's every chance that your father will abuse your niece and nephew and then there will be another generation of your family going through the same hurt and pain as you are.

One other thing. If you entrusted this information about your dad to your GP or to a counsellor or psychiatrist, they could not make you go to the police and make a charge against him.

So you could unburden yourself about this without making it into a criminal matter.

Can I also recommend an excellent book to you. It is written by two wonderful women – Carolyn Ainscough and Kay Toon – who are chartered psychologists who specialise in helping adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse – just like you.

The book is called ' Breaking free'. I believe that reading this would help you put some of your feelings about the abuse into a healthier context.

You could also get some support from one of the adult survivors' support groups in the country. To find out more, you can call the NSPCC helpline and they'll do their best to point you in the direction of support in your area.

I do hope that some of the information and advice we've given you in our reply will really help.

But if you only take one thing to heart, please make it this – you are blameless in all of this, you were just a child and your father was the grown-up, the abuse was not, in any way at all, your fault.

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