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Saturday, June 8, 2013

The Saffola Dissection of a Blue Frog

I
got a call from a friend last evening, and was informed that I am one of the
lucky few being invited to a bloggers’ meet being organized at The Blue Frog,
Mehrauli for Saffola. Just so that I would not decline the invite, I was lured
in with promises of a sumptuous lunch, “a surprise goodie bag” and a good
chance to network with fellow bloggers. I was also told that they would send a
car to pick me up from my residence and then have me dropped back after the
event.

A
wise man once said that when someone’s ready to burn so much petrol for you,
either they have a secret crush on you, or you’re going to get kidnapped. I
told my parents about the royal treatment promised, and being the Punjabi, food
loving parents that they are, they thought it would be perfect to take a chance
with my life. I mean, what are the odds of the call turning out to be a hoax
and me being kidnapped? 50%? Even then, I had a one-half chance of being welcomed
with garlands, offered good food, and then butter chickened with a sharp
request to blog about the event.

I
got a message from the cab company, giving me information about the car’s
arrival, my driver’s name and telephone number and some unnecessary details
like a request number which looked something like the amount spent by my peeps
at Saffola to pay the air freight of getting the Chief Guest of the day,
celebrity chef Vikas Khanna, all the way from America. I quickly forwarded the
message to my mum’s phone, for her to know whom to contact for paying the
ransom. Among other preparations to fight the kidnappers were things like wearing
leather shoes for harder kicks to the crotch, forgetting to use a deodorant that
would turn me into a ticking stink bomb equipped with enough potential to burst
if I am not taken to my destination in time, and a breakfast of aloo-beans, just in case the car had an
AC that would leave the sweat bomb useless, but would ensure enough nitrogen
build up in my body to stink the kidnappers’ mofo-ing noses.

Like
every kidnapper’s car, the cab reached exactly on time. But, I was relieved to
see that it was not a Maruti Omni and had no one sitting with a black monkey
cap on in the back seat.

On
reaching, it was not just the beautiful venue that left me enthralled, but also
the number of good looking people present in the hall. Just when I was about to
get really happy, thinking how I’m still considered to be a good looking guy
being invited to such a gathering, I realized that it could be a Donka
adda and the pretty ladies could be the Sonia Darlings and Mona Darlings
for nothing but visual appeal around an overage underworld don with the accent
of my dadaji. If you had Ajit in your mind while reading that, shame on you! I
thought you already knew about Shahrukh’s age!

Soon,
an ever-smiling host walked in with the Chief Guest, who looked nothing less
than an Angelina Jolie equivalent of men. Don’t try to picture cancer and
implants, here; I’m referring only to his good looks. The program started, and
it turned out that it was an innocent event to make people realize “The Other
Side” of healthy food. What is that, you may ask! And I will shun you for
asking that question because whenever they ask you what the other side of
healthy food is, you have to say “tasty food” and leave everyone else gasping
and looking shocked, despite the obviousness of the marketing campaign which
you can easily see through.

The
chef cooked some tindas, which left
members of the audience spellbound because they tasted so good! One aunty ji was made to taste the dish, and she
was honest enough to say “Isme namak
zyada daala hai tumne”, to which our celebrity chef quickly responded with “Maine abhi jo banaya who toh kaccha pada
hai. Yeh wala idhar ke cook logon ne pehle se bana ke rakha tha sabko khilaane
ke liye!”

What
followed were competitions on how to cook boring foods like baingan and tinde in a healthy and tasty way. It’s funny how none of the
contestants cared to cook baingan ka
bharta, which ranks fourth on a Punjabi palette after Butter Chicken, Dal
Makhni and Pindi Channa. Nevertheless, the food prepared by the contestants
made people get minor foodgasms, and all the expressions seemed genuine as
there were no camera tricks involved, and the audience had some really honest
aunties. But, on second thoughts, you can never say how good it actually was.
We all know how women fake it.

The
second phase of the event involved the chef making a toast-spread out of
Saffola Masala Oats, and leaving everyone in shock of the number of things one
could do with “Saffola Masala Oats”! For starters, you can choose any of the
six available flavors and eat them like a normal person; or you can use them as
an exfoliating face mask with extra granules; or try to fool kids that it’s a
variant of Maggi Noodles; or use the yellow looking flavor in a Karan Johar
movie as the haldi paste applied on a
heroine about to have a lavish wedding. Since the last option is only available
to Karan Johar, and the second only to Shehnaz Hussain (both of whom do not
read my blog), I’d suggest sticking to number one and three.

People
like me, who did not get to taste a bite from the little quantity the
contestants made, were happy to have nachos and other starters served on their
tables. None of them were made using Saffola Masala Oats, but I can vouch for
their good taste. Also, the waiter came and served me a glass of almond shake,
which I gulped down hurriedly, only to see a spoonful of oats resting at the
bottom of the glass. Yes, it felt exactly like my mum was tricking me into
having something that I do not like to have. But I was again requested to have
another glass, after stirring the shake enough to keep the oats afloat. *insert
tongue out emoticon here*

The
event ended with a beautiful lunch and a basketful of Saffola Masala Oats for
me, which I forgot in the boot of my friend’s car on my way back home. I
honestly wish I had not forgotten them there. But, ab usse Masala Oats maangna achha nahi lagta. I’ll just go buy a
packet from the local kiraana store.

To
sum it up, the Chief Guest was the “heart” of Saffola at the campaign, the
hostess pleasing enough to make a guy want her number instantly (and to
restrict himself from using better adjectives than “pleasing” in an attempt to not make the attraction obvious), and the Masala Oats just as tasty as they are healthy.

Saffola!
I’ll have to say, you dissected the frog. You did not murder it, but you totally killed it! I'm so glad to have attended it. :D

*************
The event was captured in pictures by professional photographer, Faizan Patel. You can check out his photo album of the event on his blog: faizanpatel.com/blog