As Your Senator, I Vow to Never Do Anything That Will Upset Bob, 54, from Indiana

As an elected official representing your state, I look for bipartisan solutions and work every day to make your lives and the lives of your families better, easier, and safer. Unless, of course, any of those things might upset my friend, Bob, 54, from Indiana, who is not a real person, but rather a persona created by a focus group I hired to tell me who’s most likely to come out to the polls and vote this coming November.

I understand that we live in troubled times. It seems like the political divisions in our country have never been bigger. I would like to take a moment to make a statement that will unite all Americans. Just as long as nothing in said statement insults, irks, or bothers — even in the slightest — my friend, Bob, 54, from Indiana. Therefore, gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose are off limits; they scored too low in the Bob Index. The Bob Index is a scale that the research firm I hired came up with to show what Bob, this imaginary person I’m terrified of, likes and doesn’t like. Also scoring low in the Bob Index, and something the research firm tells me I can safely say we all hate, are those big, ballsy black bees that fly directly at your face. So, let’s all come together and say in the voice of Bob: “Boo, bees! BOO, BEES!”

I know this great state has suffered dearly due to gun violence. I know what happened recently in that school in Florida, or a couple weeks ago in Virginia, or two days ago in Utah, is scary. If you choose to help me stay in Congress, I promise I will think and pray about finding a solution but ultimately refuse to act upon it. Mainly because, Bob, 54, from Indiana trusts me enough to give me his vote, but not enough to think I wouldn’t vote in favor of authorizing a military attack on our citizens. He believes his handgun/AR-15 will protect him if this happens because he forgets planes that can shoot missiles at his house in Indiana from a huge distance are a thing. So, on the issue of guns, I can say that if you vote for me I will take a stand and continue to recognize their existence and nothing more because I’m scared of an imaginary prospective voter.

The key issue I will work towards solving will be immigration because Bob thinks immigration is very important. Unfortunately, the research firm couldn’t find a comprehensive answer as to why Bob, 54, from Indiana, thinks immigration is important. They did include, however, this list of buzzwords that the men over 50 who were polled to create Bob quietly muttered after being asked about immigration: “Mexicans,” “build a wall,” and “Tucker Carlson told me they’re stealing our wives.” Therefore, I’m all for immigration, as long as only the good ones are coming, and I’m all for the wall, even though most undocumented immigrants fly into the country and overstay their visas. Again, Bob does not have a firm grasp on immigration. Or planes.

Finally, and if you’ll give me my vote, I promise that I will continue working hard for every American in this district, so long as they’re Bob, 54, from Indiana, and are staunchly against gay wedding cakes, BuzzFeed, and those kids who don’t want to get shot in schools. Every American’s life is a treasure we must protect. Especially those who are being persecuted the most: people like Bob, 54, from Indiana, who is terrified about the prospect of being bilingual. Every American deserves the freedom to speak their minds. As long as none of that challenges the power structures that placed Bob on the pedestal where I worship him. Every American deserves life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. As long as every American is Bob, 54, from Indiana.