Super Bowl Bonanza

It’s that time of year again. January; snow; blizzards; freezing rain and ice storms. And that’s just in the south. Up north weather conditions reach arctic proportions. It’s all part and parcel of Mother natures way of letting us know who is the boss when it comes to meteorology, climatic bed wetting and global warming.

However there are compensations. At this time each year we are treated to the NFL playoffs to decide which two teams will meet in the Super dooper bowl.

The NFL is an abbreviation for American Football League and right at the outset we have a problem here. American football is a game played for the most part, with the Hands. I will repeat that; a game played with the hands; not the feet.

This does not speak very highly of the founder’s familiarity with body parts. After all, it is well within the grasp of even the most simple minded, that hands are up top and feet are down below. However, as it is with so many ‘traditions’, the faux pas was not realized and it was decided to pretend that it never happened. Hand ball became football and that was all she wrote. Get over it.

So the Super Bowl bonanza rolls around each year come hell or high water.

XLVIII as it is affectionately known among the Romans, is a game between the AFC (American Football Conference ) and the NFC (National Football Conference)

‘Conference’ is an interesting term.

The dictionary defines it as meeting, convention, seminar, colloquium, symposium, forum, summit. ( Or perhaps in this case the spectacle of two sets of gladiators trying to tear the living crap out of each other! )

This year is a first. The event will be held in the Met Life Facility in New Jersey at an outdoor stadium. Yes OUTDOOR. I mean really! Someone needs to have extensive therapy. In all likelihood there will be ice particles the size of buffalo droppings and the playing field will resemble the trenches at Verdun. It is supremely optimistic to hope that the game will in fact be played but what the hey. On the 2nd at 6.25 EST ( TV abbreviation for electro static testosterone ), all will be revealed.

Too fully grasp the structure of the event there are a few pointers that I can offer. Unless you are one of ‘The Chosen’ who actually get to attend the function you will be watching the game on your live stream 54” H.D. WiFFFfffffff I T.V.with schizophrenic surround sound. You will need to be sure to have large quantities of beer and popcorn in the larder. Make sure that you lock your children in a sound proof room at the far end of the basement and that your wife is visiting her mother for the afternoon.

You should realize that the Super Bowl presentation is in fact little if anything to do with a sporting spectacle, more in the way of five hours of high powered commercials. The program starts at around dawn with various sports casters offering in depth assessments of what are likely to be significant strengths and weaknesses; what will happen if a certain series of plays result in a questionable pass interference call; the coaching staff and their proclivities; the cheer leaders Dior costumes and the color and thickness of the goal posts. It is about as interesting as watching a candle burn down!

Just to give you some idea of the loot that is floating around the periphery of the Super Bowl. A thirty second T.V.commercial costs $1,000,000.00. One million are you kidding me? That is half the time that it takes my microwave to make porridge. The actual game comprises two fifteen minute quarters followed by a fifteen minute break and the a further two fifteen minute quarters. This does not include ‘time outs’ which can sometimes add several hours to the proceedings. The broadcast traditionally lasts for between five and six hours or ‘till there is only one player left sanding. The actual game takes up to, say, an hour and a half allowing for the stretchering of decapitated players. This means that there will be time for masses of thirty second commercials. There are not enough zeros on my calculator to figure out the amount of money that accrues for the TV company who hosts the show.

The leading men in American Football are the quarter backs. This means that at any time we only get to see a quarter of them. Left thigh and gastronomes; then right shoulder and facial profile followed by crotch and rear end in no particular order. Of course most of these anatomical sectors are cleverly concealed with the uniform which is heavily padded and finished off with a metal helmet. The result is that everyone looks identical and larger than any human being that you may see at your local supermarket.

The net worth of any half way decent player can amount to Billions in endorsements and food stamps.

The life expectancy of a football player can be anywhere from a few minutes to well into his late twenties depending on how well he avoids being involved in head on collisions with ten or more players at the same time from the other team

Someone wins and some one looses and no one can figure why.

Some players will be inducted into the ‘Hall of Fame’ and in turn become sport casters or bought by the conglomerates to sell panty hose or nasal hair removal gadgets.

It can be a singularly ignoble conclusion for a latter day gladiator.

It would be a cardinal sin to leave the fifteen minute break at half time as an opportunity to regroup, take a bathroom break and haul up another crate of beer to ready oneself for the climax of the second half. So we are treated to a barrage of even more innocuous commercials during which time a leading current Pop star will cavort around an improvised stage on the field of play. The performance will be marginal at best since the sound system in a football stadium is ill equipped to handle music. They do their best though and conclude by having several thousand high school kids join them for a choreographed finale. After all this is a ‘family show’

The Super Bowl will fade along with all the previous Super Bowls into the mists of history. In a couple of weeks it will be hard to remember who the teams were and who was the victor. But you will doubtless have the new improved weight loss program to enjoy witch you purchased on line as directed by the commercial during the half time break.

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Retired Seal Trainer

This website is based on excerpts from Kerry Hallam's four books: the autobiographical "Getting to Nantucket", the collection of paintings "Artistic Visions", and the two comedic romps "The Dumpster Chronicles" and "The Dumpster Chronicles II: The Cyber Years", as featured on Gene Mahon's Blog "Mahon About Town" on Nantucket Island.