American Horror Story: Hotel. Sounds like every vacation, right? Scratchy sheets, bed bugs, charging you for WiFi...the list can go on. But this year, Ryan Murphy has a few surprises up his sleeve, and is really putting the "hell" in "hotel." (Give us an extra "l" for the sake of making a point, OK?) Stick around as we recap the whole season, and maybe reconsider that online booking. (Some themes are NSFS — not safe for school. And some are just straight-up not safe.)

The holidays have passed resolutions have been made and gifts have been unwrapped, but what isn’t unpackaged is this season of American Horror Story: Hotel, and we pick up on episode 11, titled ‘Battle Royale.’

If you recall, the last thing we saw before this hiatus was Liz Taylor and Iris treating the Countess and Donovan like their own personal shooting range. It turns out, the Countess was hit by several of the bullets, but Donovan tried to cover her up, allowing her to crawl away despite being in terrible condition. Unfortunately for Donovan, he’s not so lucky, as Liz and Iris carry him out of the Hotel Cortez and let him die in the street so his ghost doesn’t have to remain there for an eternity. Liz cremates Donovan’s body in the hotel furnace, which seems like a super considerate thing to do for someone when you’re responsible for their death.

Meanwhile, the Countess clings on to her own life. Over the course of the season she’s dodged so many metaphorical bullets — and even now, when she got hit by the real thing, she managed to survive. Sally unexpectedly helps the Countess heal, and we even get a flashback to Sally’s past, when she was in love with a musician couple in the early ‘90s. During some…peculiar activities, the couple overdoses on drugs. Fueled by the memory of her lost lovers, Sally explains to the Countess that she needs her help getting Detective John back to the hotel so she can keep him forever.

Lo and behold, Detective John arrives home and his family is missing. Dun. Dun. Dunnnnn.

But who’s that? Oh, hey Queenie! The American Horror Story: Coven character checks into the Hotel Cortez, but little does she know she’s being set up for Ramona, who has escaped the walls, to feed on. However, Queenie has ‘human voodoo doll’ witch powers, which leads to a hilarious standoff…until James March swoops in and kills Queenie. Why? So Ramona can kill the Countess and live in the hotel as his ghost wife forever.

John is told he can see his family once he completes the whole 10 Commandments killings, and he must find someone who has broken the ‘Thou shalt not kill’ commandment. Where in the world would he find someone like that? Ramona is gearing up to kill the Countess, but again the Countess convinces her to let her simply leave the hotel. On her way out, the Countess runs into Detective John. What’s John looking for? A murderer. What is the Countess? Ding, ding, ding! You guessed it, she’s a murderer. John doesn’t hesitate: he shoots, kills, and beheads her. You know, just to make sure the job’s done right.

James March waits for the Countess (special dead ghost edition) at dinner like a nervous teenage boy at the door for prom. Miss Evers is there, and she’s clearly salty towards the Countess because she’s definitely in love with James March. Miss Evers clearly doesn’t want to spend her life eternally serving her crush and his bae, but o over the course of dinner, Miss Evers admits that she was the one who led the cops to the hotel Cortez in search of James many years ago. Her plan was for the two of them to be together forever once she proved her love by committing suicide with him. James isn’t amused, and he banishes her from his presence.

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But rather than face rejection by bawling about it on her Tumblr, Miss Evers isn’t hurt. Instead, she seems kinda down with bouncing. She throws some shade and March and then drops the mic and exits, leaving March there with what he wanted: the Countess, for an eternity.