June 30, 2000

Time: Fri, 30 Jun 2000 00:03:54 GMT
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update: There I was, being all bitter/cynical, mad at the world, and then he happens along.. though I guess he was there all along, I just didn't bother to take enough notice. So, I'm being my angry self and he just says this one little thing.. and I melt, I melt and then all of the bad stuff is simply gone away completely and I cry for a few minutes because it threw me off so much. It completely demolished the train of thought I had going all day long, all last night.. I was intensely angry for a few seconds just because it was all too much, the hard, fast change of my entire mindset/feelings. It's most unsettling that anyone can do that, have that effect on me.. ah well. I'm completely happy but totally exhausted now.. argh.

So I was browsing through the newspaper tonight and read about that Cuban kid finally going 'home', and how some random lady said, "I haven't met him, but he's marvellous". I kind of thought that was amusing.. I mean, whatever, you know? The kid could be a little annoying bastard. I would be, if everyone was flinging guns and cameras in my face constantly, and asking me a bunch of stupid emotional questions in order to determine my mental health which would only grow steadily worse with every mind-bogglingly stupid person that acted like I was the biggest deal in the world. We're all freaking people.. my friend's dad was in the hospital yesterday, he wasn't on the news. The entire world wasn't at his bedside via cameralink, and I bet he's really glad they weren't too. Stupid media. Blah blah blah.

I was depressed earlier, now I'm just kind of.. bitchy, and sort of pissed off at everything. (Not everything2, everything else.)

I just kind of wanted more from the night, that's all, as per usual I'm being greedy and whiny, and self-loathing.

I went for a walk to try and get away from the physical ache'yness but it failed really and I kind of wish I could be someone else for a second so that I could throw something at my head to make me shut up.

Fuck it.

The sky looks strange tonight.. like from a horror flick only it's still almost raining and the night isn't frightening it's just strange. There are light wispy clouds floating around, but they're not thick or close enough to block out the stars which seem all too real tonight.

I watched Much Music most of the day, actually Much More Music, and they had Jann Arden on for a while. It made me fucking sorry to exist in this world, I hate being a human sometimes. Some random "industry" guy once told her she'd do much better if she lost about twenty pounds. Fuck the industry, fuck all of the god damn morons who can't accept people for who they are, but most of all, fuck the stupid jaded son of a bitch pricks that make people feel like less than the amazing little humans they are just because they don't fit the ideal physical mould.

Um. I think I'll shut up now, at the risk of offending random people with my naughty language and bitchy content.

I am starting to get the distinct impression that I am invisible; not that it's anyone's fault but my own for failing to make myself visible.

It's not like me to slip into silence at every opportunity, to avoid the eyes of everyone I pass. I mumble half-answers to important questions, I sit on the dark end of the couch while my friends giggle and laugh beside me. I leave early, stuttering something about being tired , so I can go home to sit on my bed and shiver because I like the feeling of cold against my skin. Even better is the all-over warmth when I jump under my blankets wearing a big t-shirt and rejection pants. I don't feel like eating because it involves contact with something other than myself; I guess digestion is a bit too much like the conversations I am avoiding, or maybe it's my own way of making myself less visible.

Normally I love the sound of a human voice, but today I just want them all to go away. I mean, I still love them and all, and I know that they love me, but I don't really want to be acknowledged. Well, maybe I do. Fuck, I really have no idea what I want! It's tiring, this whole extrovert thing. I don't know if I'm quite cut out for it.

Okay, I awoke this morning after having not slept much the night before (staying up on E2 and early morning phone calls didn't help either) and talked to my boss' assistant who had no idea what she was doing, but wanted to confirm my work schedule. I played guitar for about 45 minutes or so, messing around with my guitar processor, rearranging the effects and creating some new ones. My cousin came over and we talked for awhile. Today was my day off, so I was planning to spend the day with my girlfriend, but unfortunately she wasn't treating me very nicely over the phone and I pondered just staying home. I decided that because it was my day off I didn't want to waste it, so I called some other friends who wanted to do stuff as well and got us all together with my girlfriend (My friends acted as a buffer so I wouldn't have to spend to much time with my girlfriend). Two of my friends, my girlfriend, the exchange student from France living with my girlfriend, and I went to a park and hung out for a long time and waded around in a kiddie pool. Okay, so I did that alone while they watched, but that's okay. Afterwards we took one friend home because he had play rehearsal and the rest of us went out for cake. We all then went to my girlfriend's house and lied on her hall floor and talked. By this time I was no longer annoyed with my girlfriend. Earlier she had made me feel taken for granted, etc. but by this time we were getting along better. We had dinner there and later we all went home.

It probably seems like I don't belong with this girlfriend, but actually we get along great and we are best friends. Every once in awhile she can start taking advantage of me (especially because I drive her everywhere), but normally we get along great. We've been going out for around 19 months and love each other greatly.

When I finished about 15 minutes later, I had two (2) slices of cheddarcheese. I couldn't remember eating any ... so ... I suspect that some poor volunteer, somewhere, got a cheque&sup1 for $25 and a slice of cheese. And given Canada Post's speed, likely a moldy slice, too.

Slept in, showered, went to work, on the bus I realised that I forgot my access card, decided to go back home and get it, just caught the bus back, picked up the card, checked the mail, went to work, had lunch, prepered for vacation, had a smoke, thought about coffee, noded, thought about Canada Day which is tomorrow. Noded it.

The broken hand is beginning to very much better. All that stands between me and a normal (heh) level of noding is the deterrant of trying to type past the cast. Shouldn't be a big deal.

During my time of silence, things at my company have gone very poorly. Basically we have one shot to sell it (there's another company interested in acquiring assets and people pretty much limited to the department I founded) or it will go bankrupt. We're out of money a week from today and the negotiations are clunky. I'm not sure what's going to happen... but somehow I'm keeping calm.

Oddly enough, during this time of corporate uncertainty we moved! Whereas we were once devided between our original offices in lovely LynnwoodWashington and our spiffy new offices in downtownSeattle - we are now all concentrated in Seattle. I like it much better down here as I can walk to work.

I'm in the midst of reading Lord of The Rings for the fourth time in 18 months. I've also just picked up Watership Down for the first time and am really enjoying it.

I was late to gym class this morning. Forgot Howard's bithday card and had to run back home and get it. He's 91 and told me Barnes & Noble has asked him twice to come in and sign copies of his books. He says he doesn't do book signings so I'm glad I had the courage to ask him to sign my copy.
It's been weeks of doctors appointments and summer swinging into gear. Hot hot hot is all I can say! Finally, someone believed me about how unspeakably hot it's been in the house during the day and climbed up on the roof. Ah hah! the pump was burned out.

Now the whole family is wearing glasses and/or contacts. I am loving my new sunglasses. SO nice for my walks.

Not many quail have survived the heat. During one walk I spotted a quail and chick crossing the road. With a car approaching I stopped gave chase to the abandoned fella. The small ball of fluff seemed to float above the ground till it finally toppled over. I set it gently in the scrub and heard the adult quail give a small click . The driver of the car was amazed that the dog with me heeled so well along as we made circles and figure-eights trying to round up the chick. I had taken for so much for granted that my dog would deny prey instincts and trust me. Be aware of wonder .

After a second air conditioner failed at hubby's work they closed the restaurant for a few hours and finally have it up and running.

Number One Son has received two honors by mail this week. One for Who's Who Among American High School Students and the second one from The Dean's List they have a website www.honoring.com The second award will have his biography published and placed in the University he plans to attend next year. Hopefully, this will lead to some scholarships.

Number Two Son is starting his second session of summer school in spanish. I asked him the other night how old he was and he said he was 89, oh well,it'll make sense to him soon. He picked up his Collector's Edition of Diablo II and now it's been a real challenge for us to divide our time online.

No news is good news on the most recent blood tests. Vision checked out great 100% on peripheral
vision. The Optometrist warned me though that it has been recently discovered that this type of tumor could (but rarely) causes double vision. The quest for a job continues. While they are setting up the neurological tests I'm supposed to be thinking about what kind of job I would like. They will hire an employment agency to make sure that my employer understands what I may need to do the job well and make the transition smoother. I really could have used that help when I worked for PetSmart. I am looking forward to making new friends and some money to help pay for my sons'college educations.

It's been so long since we've been out to celebrate the 4th of July. Maybe I'l persuade them that it's an early birthday party for me I'm hoping we can stop by the hubby's store for dinner and some time with him and then head out to the fireworks. The city orchestra will be playing the 1812 Overture for the Grand Finale and there will be three legged races along with pie eating contests.

Anyone who is joined to Christ is a new being; the old is gone, the new has come.
- 2 Corinthians 5:17 (TEV)

Did some work which needed to be done, and felt better for it. I walked for a long time in the woods and took the path I have always been a little afraid of. Past derelict house and through mysterious stink. I wasn't expecting the path to get so steep but all of a sudden I was pushing pushing pushing up a steep viney rooty eroded red-clay mess of a hill. My calvesburned and the top of the hill would not happen. I was so far away from the joggers, the loudest sounds were my footsteps and my breathing. There was a clearing at the top of the hill - it wasn't clear, but it didn't have any trees in it - where I could cool down and play hunter-gatherer with wild blackberries, every other one sweet, every other one sour or buggy, my hands purple, like childhood.

i keep thinking today is sunday. i'm all messed up. the surgery went well, no complications.

i'm in pain. the worst i've ever felt. standing up i feel like my organs are hanging toward the ground from strands of stringy guts. when i lay down i feel like there is a concrete block on my stomach. i couldn't sleep much last night.

interestingly, before the surgery my blood pressure was 107/61 and my pulse was 60. interesting because i was nervous as all hell and expected them to be higher. unfortunately, the level of tegretol (my anticonvulsant medication) in my blood was low, and i was worried they may postpone the surgery, but it all turned out well (and they've up'd my dosage of tegretol, blech!)

i remember being wheeled into the operating room. i remember the anesthesiologist saying that she was putting something into my iv line to relax me. i remember looking around and smiling, then apologizing to the doctors that i was smiling. then i woke up. i couldn't see, everything was blurry. i knew where i was, i wasn't confused. but i was in pain. i couldn't help but cry.

after countless shots of ineffective morphine, they finally gave me a shot of demerol and something whose name i cannot recall. right in the ass. then i began to feel better. not good, but better. then i was allowed to see my family. first my sister came back, then she left and sent my mother and craig in (they'd only let two people in at a time).

by this time i just wanted to go home. so we gathered prescriptions and checked out and went home. once the demerol shot wore off, i started feeling like crap. i still feel like crap but it's fading. i think i'll be much better by sunday.

Carin had emailed me over three months ago and asked me if I would go to the 'NSync concert with her. I think she knew that I wasn't really a big fan but she also knew I was her only friend that would go with her. When I agreed to go with her she warned me that even though she is 27 she is absolutely obsessed with Justin Timberlake and she would probably be drooling over him like a fourteen year old the whole time.

Well, I love my friends, and there isn't too much I wouldn't do for them, and besides, I do like their music, I am a fan of good singing. I've heard them live before and thought they were good, so I agreed to go.

Well in the three months that passed between her asking me to go and the actual date of the concert, this trip evolved from a simple four hour drive to Cleveland for a Friday night show to staying in town Friday night and going to the concert again on Saturday. I didn't want to let her down so I agreed to the change in plans and besides, Cleveland has a pretty decent night life...

So we hopped into the car and headed for Cleveland. On the drive there she informed that she had specifically asked me to go with her because she knew that if anyone could find out information on where the band was staying and if anyone could find 'NSync, it would be me. Apparantly, not only do I have a knack for picking out outfits for my friends, but I also possess the gift of talking to strangers. She told me that she was dying to find out what hotel they were staying in and she had been chatting and reading and researching on the 'net but no one would tell her anything important. And that's when the challenge was issued.

I could see that it was really important to her that she find these guys and meet them, Justin in particular. It seemed a little silly to me but at the same time I could understand, I'll admit it, the idea of meeting anyone famous is extremely intriguing to me. And she had given this a lot of thought and knew that the only way should would be able to find anything out is if we talked to people and dug information out of them. I had no idea at the time how difficult this was going to be...but I soon found out.

Before every show 'NSync has something they call a Meet and Greet, where a few fans get to ask a very few questions and get autographs. After checking into the hotel we headed for the arena to see what this was all about. I quickly found out through conversation with the kids in the crowd and the security guards that you had to know someone to get in the Meet and Greet. I'm not even that big of a fan but the challenge was there, I was so caught up in the game of it...

Suddenly I heard some girls standing just a few feet away from me screaming. It turned out they had just scored passes for the thing because it was one of the girl's birthday. But as it turned out they only scored six passes and there were eight of them. It was so sad to see those two girls left behind. But this sad story came in handy later.

About half an hour later a woman walked up to the security guard and showed her passes for the Meet n Greet. The guard told her that no one else could come in at the moment but to wait til the gate opened, and then take a right (instead of a left), take another right, go through the glass doors, get on the elevator and go to the second floor and that's where the meet n greet was. So when they opened the gate Carin and I took a right, another right, went through the glass doors, took the elevator to the second floor and started to walk right into the meet n greet area. But we were stopped by a security guard.

The security guard was a woman and I think this might have been our best luck in the whole thing. She asked us if she could help us and I said so simply, as if I truly belonged there, that I was here for the Meet n Greet. She asked to see our passes and of course I didn't have any. I had no idea what I was going to say when I opened my mouth but suddenly I found myself relating the story of those poor girls upstairs that didn't make it in. I told the security guard that there was a group of ten of us, and that someone had given us passes but only six. And that the woman had told us that when the gate opened to take a right, another right, go throught the glass doors, take the elevator to the second floor and they would let us in. Of course she said that she couldn't let us in without the passes and I got this ultra sad look on my face and threw out the the most important phrase of the weekend, I drove all the way from Albany. She then told me she would see what she could do.

She ended up calling one of the concert promoters over and he asked me to re-tell my story. I couldn't believe that I had gotten this far and I didn't really think that I would get anything out of it, but I had to try, the challenge was on! He was going to turn me down. He said that they didn't have anymore passes but I once again whipped out the phrase that pays, "I drove all the way from Albany" and that I was in town for both concerts and could I get passes for tommorrow's Meet and Greet? He was impressed that I had driven about ten hours to see these concerts and he promised me tickets and Meet and Greet passes for the Buffalo concert on Sunday. That was perfect because Buffalo was on the way home! So I made sure to get his name, which I cannot believe I had the wisdom to think of doing!, and I shook his hand. We then went in to the concert and had a really good time. The seats weren't the best seats in the world, they were on the floor but all the way in the back, row VV but we saw where our seats were for Saturday's show and they were close to the best seats in the house - right on the end of the stage, fourth row. We couldn't believe we had scored free tickets for a third concert and Meet and Greets passes!! But at the same time, we wondered if they would be there. But if you care/wanna know, you gotta read my day log for Saturday and Sunday!!

This whole week has just been shit what with the death of Oscar Hill.
The medicine I was given for the cat scratch fever gave the only allergic reaction I've ever had to a medication. And I still look like a walking pile of red dots.
On my way to visit some friends in lufkin yesterday a bee found its way into my shirt and stung the hell out of me, while I was driving. Damn near killed a family of 5 over that one. My gilrfriend is becoming an alcoholic I think. One of my "good buddies" is trying to put the moves on my girlfriend and her engaged best friend.

Well there's nothin' else to bitch about. I suppose...
Gonna get to go off roading today.
Guess we'll see how that goes.