8.16.2010

...next Monday. I'm not sure if I'm ready...emotionally. I love that this summer hasn't flown by like ones before. I feel so much has happened and although it has ended with the cutting of ties with people I was "close" to...it was still a great summer. I've met new people and learned a lot.Its just, I feel like things will be slightly different now. Awkward. Seeing now that 2/3 of my usually crew aren't talking to me. However, I have my Sorors, a few guy friends, and co-workers to lean on. Even if things are reconciled, it won't be the same. My view has changed [theirs probably have too] and I won't let them get that close to me again. Maybe I have new people set to enter my life. Maybe its a process I have to learn.

8.13.2010

As I sit down and think about the events of this week, I realize I have some thanks [flowers] to give:

Radio - For giving me great laughs when I needed it.

Co-workers - For listening.

My Bro [Sis's boyfriend] - We have a love/hate relationship, but when it counts, we drop that game and he did that. He looked out for me and in the midst of trouble in his close family [his mom being very ill] he took the time to make sure doing okay and looking for alternative apartments.

My Big Cuz, Sis, Aunt - You helped me understand the danger I was about to face and really bring things into sight.

My Uncs - For being the "father" I never had.

Roomie 1 - For truly being understand about how I felt and feel. You make me realize that I may have been sticking close to the wrong people and overlooking the good.

Roomie 2 - For teaching me the lesson to never get too comfortable and that you never really know some people. I'm sure you feel the same about me cause you think my actions were selfish. I'm sorry if you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for what I did.

Leo - For telling me to go with my gut and talking to me, being there when I needed it.

My Mom - You know how much you mean to me. You keep me solid. Sometimes with out you and of course, God, I feel like sand being swept away by gusts of wind, but you come in the nick of time like of flash of lightening and I become a solid and beautiful as crystal.

This week has been...tiring, to say the least. It began Sunday. I tell my sister about the apartment and two of my friends/old roomies were set to move into the follow Saturday. She was saying how cool it will be cause her boyfriend lives in that area. Five minutes or so later, I get a call from her boyfriend. He feels like family, so I call him bro. He asks about the apartment and when he says, "Who idea was this?" I knew there was trouble. Come to find out, it was one of the roughest spots around. He continue to tell me, we should definitely try to find somewhere else. He then instructed me to talk to my friends, so I call the one I'm closest to about and told her to pass the word.Although we had went through the application process and put down our security deposit, I was sure we would all be aboard trying to find something better for our safety. Boy was I wrong.Basically, as the week progressed, I talked to my family members who've leaved in this city for basically their whole lives. It was clear it was not a place for us. However, the people my friends talked to told them "it's not that bad, etc."So it all ended up with me seeming to be the bad person. =\ It came down to a talk and they were saying it was up to me. That they wouldn't want me to stay some where I'm not comfortable. To just sleep on it and go with what I felt in the morning. So that night I prayed, woke up and I felt "no."Now I am apparently out one of my to friends, lo and behold, it was the one I was closest too. I haven't heard from her. However, my other friend filled me in this morning about their new living arrangements, which I was happy to here. They needed a place to stay. She asked if I was okay and I was, I texted "I must say, to be honest, I'm just glad ya'll arent living in that area." To my surprise, she agreed.Later today, I went on twitter, and I went looking for things I didn't want to find which was my fault. The friend I thought I was closest to had subtweeted all about me. Saying it shows my true character, she thought she knew me, all the money we had paid went to waste, etc. I refuse to react to those things.She claims, I wasn't a true friend. I feel the opposite. Safety and peace of mind comes first. My feelings are hurt, but I have no regrets except for not finding out more on the area earlier. However, I believe I needed to live this, its a lesson to learn. About myself and others close around me too. Things will never be the same.

Last weekend was movies-galore! Friday, I went out with Leo to see The Other Guys. I thought it was pretty funny. Honestly, I was going to see it because Leo suggested it. I thought it was going to be a dud, but I really enjoyed it. It was a great mixture of talent in the cast. Hehe. I lol'd quite a few times.Saturday, I went out with this guy I had met sometime before. He is a very talented performer/dancer. We hadn't really hung out and he seemed pretty cool, so when he offered to hit the movies, I accepted. For the purposes of this blog, I think I shall call him, Roboto. =]Stereo and I had a great time. The movie was awesome. I have a major new crush. His name? Chadd Smith. This guy is so gorgeous and super talented! Jinkies. *swoon*

8.07.2010

After a lot of thought and talking with some of my good friends, I have come to a realization. I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that my reasons for staying or returning back to Mr. N for so long were more noble than his. I was over here venting, talking smack while all along, I was sticking around for the same reasons I criticized him for.It started to hit me when someone asked, "Do you think you really loved him, since you could let him go so easily?" I quickly thought and said, "You know what, I don't think I did." I know what that kind of break up feels like. It is horrible! Your thoughts, feelings, everything feels torn. Its like when that person left, they took half of you.

I didn't feel that.

Then when I think about the reasons I miss him, guess what number one is: Sex. Yeah, I also miss laughing with him or looking into those brown eyes...

8.05.2010

Last two posts were...depressing. I know. So to end things on a good note before I head to bed, here are some positive things going on:

I move in my apartment with my two good friends and old roomies on the 14th!

Things with the newsletter were rocky, but seem to be shaping up. I just need to learn how to delegate and plan ahead.

My Mom is the best, she is always there to give me words of peace. They always come to the rescue, why did I ever doubt her? Oh her birthday is Sunday July 8!

I get to go see Step Up 3D with a friend of mine. He is sweet and I haven't seen him in a while. Will be nice to catch up. Plus a great movie!

I bought some healthy foods to keep the pounds and sickness away. The lack of Subway in my diet this week was starting to make me feel bad. I'm use to it 3-4 week.

Leo called tonight. Nice to know I'm still on his mind and we've made plans to go see The Other Guys on Friday. [I like his good timing...thats another post for another day.]

My Uncle is better, he was having heart problems, but actually made a call here today and should be released to rehab to regain his balance in a few days.

I have family and friends who love me, I'm attending college, I have a job, I can read and write, I see no battle, I have food and water and some money, a baby angel that looks after me, somewhat peace of mind, and I'm alive!

There is so much more I could list that I thank the Heavens for. I need to remember to reflect back on the big and small blessings I have. Not only does it keep me afloat, but there all many on this world who aren't so fortunate.

I know I sound like a broken Keyshia Cole record, but *sings* I've Chaaanged Myyy Miiind... I don't love Mr. N. no more! Nah, I don't love you no more.Okay, let me stop frontin', Denzelin'. What happened this time? Well, after a night of drinking, Mr. N calls and comes to see me like 6am in the morn. We are talking picking at each other, I say the smart remark, "...but you love me tho." equipped with the neck roll. Then what did I see? Hesitation written all on that face of his. It got very very dark then.To spare word count and reading time, I have separated our argument into his and my side.Mr. N's Side:He doesn't really love me, he just said it in return so he wouldn't be a "dickhead." He does, however, have feelings for me and likes me. He still doesn't think I have anything to talk about and he feels that all his attempts at communication are to no avail. BUT he still enjoys my company and likes looking at me. So for some odd reason he likes me because despite our lack of chemistry, unlike his other girlfriends, our sex has moved "from good to great." Also, possibly moving in with each other or a similar "circumstance" would help him "grow to love" me.

My Side:So you lied to me. Annnd you are just here for the sex. Great.

The Truth:They say there is your side, their side, and somewhere inbetween, lies the truth.Do you see it?

I'm not going to act like I'm all right and I've been perfect. I'm no where near. As for the truth I do know...we are done. I told him I prefer to let him go so he can find a girl with the good sex, chemistry and convo. that he wants. He said, I was trying to rush things. We've been going at it for a year and a half and haven't went anywhere. No improvement, except for sex, obviously. We need to move on. He considers that as me "giving up" on him. I think we both deserve better, someone who is a better fit for us and our needs. This has been long overdue. He said he does not break up "on a nice note" so he vowed to never speak to me again. Hence him deleting me from facebook, and probably myspace too, but I don't even get on there anymore. *shrugs*Gah, I feel stupid. Him telling me he loved me that night, gave me hope that things could possibly get better. Stupid girl, stupid, stupid girl. Can't blame anyone really, but myself.

But now, when I think about it, I ask myself:Did I ever really love him? Or did I lie too?

Hm, I guess we can say the rainbows and infatuation stages have cleared. The white puffy clouds are gone. Now I'm laying under the blue sky. Still enjoying the sun though...still a pretty day.What happened? Well...Yesterday, Cb. and I were textin' it up as us-u-al. Then it goes a little something like this.Cb.: Wait, I need to know how you want me...I'm confused.Me: Wait, seriously? [Cause we play with each other all the time like we are cuddle buddies]Cb.: lol yeaMe: I like you, but I don't feel like I know you well enough to want more than a friendship. I thought you just wanted a friendship?Cb.: Oh okay. I was just making sure we were on the same page.Cb.: Cause I don't want a relationship right now. lolMe: Oh okay. Cool.Me: So there weren't any misunderstandings at all.Cb.: Right. Okay.**Cue the awkward turtle who slowly walks in, flips on his back, and waddles there**

Now, I'm on a hard "fall back" mode. I do not like for my actions to seem fast or coming on too strong or be misinterpreted. Texting has come to an halt, unlike before. I refuse to bother him and when he texts, I don't know what to say really. My comfort zone has been shot. He use to call each night once he got off work and start up a text convo. once he made it home that lasted for hours. None of that. My friend says, I need to shake it off and just go on as before, but from her "Uh-oh," she knew I've enter that place of no return.

It was fun while it lasted. Didn't I know it though?! I told myself to just "enjoy these moments." Welp, they are gone...So me and awkward turtle are going to resuming laying on our backs now. Good day.