An Honest Letter from BJP’s IT Cell Member to Pradhan Mantri ji Ahead of Elections

Dear PM, this election season it’s getting a little harder to protect you from the vicious librandus. This time I’m left looking like an idiot, stuttering some vague cow-related facts in response to every question.

I

’m writing this letter in a state of epileptic Josh. It has recently come to my notice that you are up for re-election (didn’t we get rid of the democracy thing already?), and that a certain faction of rebels is planning to vote for a man who travels to Goa for holiday (spits) as Prime Minister. These rebels claim that you haven’t done enough for this country, and often make very valid points on social media that make my counters look silly and pointless. Still, through all these years, I’ve defended you every chance I’ve had — often using multiple fake accounts, and making death threats to college students. I think, in a way, I’m the reason you’re Prime Minister right now.

The issue is that this time around, it’s getting a little harder to protect you from the vicious librandus. Sure, when you were coming up with an acronym per second, and walking around promising every voter Rs 15 lakh in his bank account, it was much easier. Back then you made it seem like I was voting for bullet trains, a more robust economy, and simple rhymes that would make life easier. At that point, when the pro-Gandhi faction would say something like “The BJP has a communal agenda,” I would confidently reply, “What about 60 years of Kongis?”

Recently though, the librandus are sharing #FakeNews reports, claiming that your contribution to job creation has actually been zero — otherwise known as the total number of days I’ve been employed offline. This is worrying because it seems like we’re running out of replies. How often can I repeat “How’s the Josh?”. The answer is always the same: “Good movie, Chandrachur Singh hammed it a bit.”

Over the last few years, we’ve been through a lot. You, flying to exotic locations from the PMO; me sitting by the computer waiting for a word from you. I would say it’s been an almost symbiotic relationship. When you said PUBG, I laughed hard. When The Accidental PM was made, I actually burnt my drama school certificate and applauded Anupam Kher’s acting. When Jio said stop watching porn, it upset me a little, but I stopped watching porn. I even replaced all the groceries in my house with Patanjali products, despite my grandmother suspiciously turning green after a bite of the Chyawanprash.

Still somehow, when I’m faced with commenters online, I have nothing to say. Where’s the giant Coalgate scam figure I can throw into conversations? This time I’m left looking like an idiot, stuttering some vague cow-related facts in response to every question. Oh and of course, saying Ram Mandir over and over again like a broken tape recorder.

Please explain to me how I’m supposed to continue defending the Ram Mandir, if you never build one? Arnab Goswami is literally running an entire career off the multiple delays, but the rest of us are getting impatient. Now everytime someone says they’re going to vote for Congress, my only retort is, “Oh, so you don’t want a Ram Temple in Ayodhya.” I mean it’s getting a little old at this point.

Still somehow, when I’m faced with commenters online, I have nothing to say. Where’s the giant Coalgate scam figure I can throw into conversations?

Meanwhile, you seem to be wasting a lot of time doing boring things like passing budgets and rewriting textbooks to deny science. I mean have you ever been online? You try making a budget trend with the youth. It’s never going to work.

My suggestion is that you go back to the basics, and begin making a bunch of promises you’re never going to follow through on. Maybe the voter will be angry, and maybe you’ll lose some credibility, but at least we’ll have something to talk about again.

Related Content

Vijay Mallya has a list of demands from prison authorities at Mumbai’s Arthur Road jail. He wants a cell with a view and IPL cheerleaders to liven up the atmosphere. Like all famous prisoners, he wants to write a memoir – The Accidental Airline Company.

Dear Piyush Goyal, all these years we have felt like the veg biryani at a Punjabi wedding – ignored. But the budget has changed that. Today might be a good day to ask the middle class, “How’s the josh?”

Is Priyanka Gandhi, a practicing Buddhist, capable of taking on the job in Uttar Pradesh? She might go to election rallies and praise Narendra Modi and Amit Shah to the hilt, in her quest to speak truth at all times. There’s no way she can proclaim that Rahul Gandhi is the most qualified man to be India’s PM.