Wednesday, March 16, 2011

How To Be: Classy as Shit

Class, class, class. Will Ferrel reminds San Diego to "Stay Classy." Lauren Bacall has an ad on YouTube for instant coffee (trash) to this day. Being classy is not a state of mind, being classy is, frankly, a way of being. Class does not limit your actions but it is defined by your reactions. Paris Hilton has an extensive criminal record, a sex tape and obnoxiously gold-framed portraits of herself covering every wall in her home.* Ask anyone, though: she is one classy bitch. Being classy is the way you hold your Natty Lite with your pinky finger out. Being classy is the way you react to your phone being hacked and your sexy naked pictured being leaked all over the internet with poise, like Rihanna or Vanessa Hudgens (who got to fuck Efron for a year, by the way). Being classy is the way you react to being the victim of violence (whether at the hands of the Vegas PD or Chris Brown) over an interview with Barbara Walters**. Being classy is having unrealistic standards for potential lovers... and finding/fucking these symbolic unicorns. (Hint: they're male models). Class isn't for everyone. People who scream at their brother/husband our of their trailer and throw fried chicken to make a point aren't, per se, groomed for class. However, that's never stopped them from calling themselves things like "Redneck Princess." Class is a way of silent passive aggression. Class is never talking badly about someone behind their back*** (unless it's someone you've slept with.) Class is being able to black out at a party and have people wonder if you've even been drinking. Class is being able to wear cashmere from Ross and make it look like a million bucks. Class is being able to curse like a sailor while sitting daintily and leaving everyone wondering if you are a distant relative of Jackie O. Class is walking into a crowded room and turning the crowd into your audience. Being classy as shit isn't something that one can learn, it's the way you let yourself be.

*Don't ask me how I know this, but trust me, I do.**Barb is a quintessential classy lady***Or doing it directly to their face and having them feel priviledged to hear your "feedback"

A wise man once said "being classy is the best revenge." "I'm not out for revenge," you say. Good. Neither am I. But if you're out painting the town red like your lips, you're bound to round up a group of jealous haters. This is a sign of being a classy, classy bitch. Cheers, from my glass or Rosé to yours.

Welcome...

The world can be a scary and confusing place. Sometimes all you need is a little ray of sunshine and some fairy dust (a cloud of pot smoke) to get you through. Well put on your sunglasses (you're probably hungover), we're re-examining what it means to be zen in the 21st century: a time idiots claim is the end of days.

Classy Lauren Brenner is a comedian and yoga teacher in Los Angeles, CA. She is a glorious pain in the ass with "Classy" tattooed on hers. Jordan is a prentetious, former professional dog walker from Denver with an undeserved sense of accomplishment.