Harry: Oh. Her. She is a major piece of work. Doc, the woman wears turtlenecks in the middle of summer: she's beyond uptight. Almost makes her fun to be around.Julian Mercer: Uptight. That's funny, I haven't noticed that.Harry: Try living with her.

My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew...

I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.

Pete: I've always wondered, what's the devil look like?Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork.Tommy Johnson: Oh, no. No, sir. He's white, as white as you folks, with empty eyes and a big hollow voice. He likes to travel around with a mean old hound. That's right.

You know what you are? You're God's answer to Job, y'know? You would have ended all argument between them. I mean, He would have pointed to you and said, y'know, "I do a lot of terrible things, but I can still make one of these." You know? And then Job would have said, "Eh. Yeah, well, you win."

Jake: Five grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no! I will not take your filthy stolen money!Jake: Well then... I guess you're really up Shit Creek.Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?Jake: I offered to help you... You refused to take our money. Then I said: I guess you're really up Shit Creek.Elwood: Christ, Jake. Take it easy man.