The Shanty

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I love when people use sayings out of habit because it makes them feel better but yet, they don’t really know what it means. My favorite one is anything to do with karma. Unless you are Hindu or some other karma believing religion, I don’t think you really understand the concept. Yes, that’s right, Miss Literal here. It’s even better when someone is of a Christian faith and claims to believe in both God and karma. I’m pretty sure this is sacrilegious. I’m not here to judge though but maybe give a little more insight to what karma actually is and why I don’t think it’s real and why you probably don’t either. Karma has to do with the energy in the universe and how it affects our reality. A simple thought you have can affect the entire universe according to karma but you may not be able to see its work. Karma asks that you simply believe in the universe and the balance it brings. Furthermore karma is linked to those who believe in future and past lifetimes. Just because you earn good or bad karma now doesn’t mean you’ll receive it in this lifetime. I’m pretty sure Christians don’t believe in reincarnation…

Either way, I am not a religious person any longer so my non-belief in karma has nothing to do with my own personal non-belief in religion. I just think it’s interesting when people who believe in God believe in karma too. What I am is a person who believes that there is no evil. And without evil then bad things don’t happen as a punishment. People behave in ways that benefit themselves. We might view an action as “bad” or “evil” but that was not the person’s intent who committed that action. I’ve already written about this though. Basically what it comes down to is that there is something good that comes out of everything… “good or evil”.

I ask to people who believe in karma (who do not believe in reincarnation) how do you explain cancer? Or bad things that happen to little kids? What bad thing did these people do to deserve such awfulness? And what about those who get away with murder? How do you explain how people do bad things (in our eyes) but never pay up?

You know, it’s fine if it makes people feel better to know that “karma’s gonna get them” for doing something bad. However, those who believe that only seem to pick and choose when karma exists. I don’t think you can do that. At least not if you truly believe in karma. Even without taking it to the Hindu, reincarnation extreme, people seem to only use karma when relating to something negative. You don’t ever hear people who do something good say “I can’t wait until something equally as good happens to me later in life because I just earned it!” It seems like karma comes equipped with many double standards.

I honestly believe that there is no evil in the world. Therefore I, or anyone else, doesn’t ever get “punished” for mistakes made. Likewise, the good I do is “just because” and not done knowing I will be rewarded some day. In conclusion…karma really is related to the universe and all our many lifetimes in it and not just something comforting to say when someone fucks up. Look it up. It’s true.

And in case this blog hasn’t bored you enough, the following is what I wrote in April 2010 regarding good vs. evil to give you more insight to my "no one is evil" theory.

What makes a person “good”? I am a believer in- everyone is good. This may sound like a crazy concept to some but it’s what I believe. There are no bad people but people who do bad things rather. Why is this? Try to define bad…it is subjective at best. So is the definition of good. But what I do know is that people don’t do things unless it benefits them in some way. I can see you sitting there trying to think of an example of how this isn’t true but trust me, you can’t. At least, I've never been able to. Feel free to challenge me on this if you’d like though. So anyway, if people do things for the betterment of themselves (in some way) then how can they be bad?? They don’t do things out of pure evil…they do things because they get some kind of satisfaction out of it.

I understand this may be a little too deep for some of you but you should really stop and think about it. Seriously. Think about it.

This belief is how I’m always able to forgive people or move on from things. I know people don’t do things to be evil. They do things because it benefits them somehow. And while this may be selfish and unfair and sometimes down right messed up! Can you really blame someone for making themselves happy? Some people are just lost souls who don’t know any better. If anything I feel sorry for them but I know not to take it personally.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Growing up in a household where I was taught that women are nothing more than whores definitely took its toll on me. To the defense of my “teacher” my brother was only 3 years older than me, a kid himself. It didn’t matter to me though. I would have done anything to look “cool” in his eyes. Because of him I got to hang out with all the cool older boys. And even though they all saw me only as “one of the guys” I liked that I could fit into their group…one that was normally girl-free.

I behaved as a tomboy most of my younger years and it wasn’t until I moved to Cottonwood when I was 16 that guys really began to notice me. It was all very new and strange to me. I still behaved like a boy and dressed like a boy but something was different about that town. It was probably just because I was the new kid and no one there knew me. The kids in Page had known me my whole life. Whatever it was, guys noticed me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it other than to take the advice of my brother.

What about all the emotions that go along with being a girl? The “negative” ones such as being needy, sensitive, jealous, emotional, etc…? I have spent my whole life repressing those feelings because that wasn’t going to make me “cool”. And now I’m thirty and still single! Sure, guys still label me as cool but they surely don’t want to date me. I don’t have all the girlish qualities they want in a mate. I am unable to be vulnerable because that shows weakness. I don’t need you for anything because I’ll be damned if I can’t take care of myself. And the list goes on. I’m basically impossible to please because even though I have all these feelings and desires, I fight them off but not well enough…

What happens is I end up wishy-washy. Saying one thing, behaving another way. It’s starting to really drive me crazy. I have so many walls built up around me when it comes to men as mates that it’s a wonder some have lasted as long as they have! I don’t know how anyone would want to put up with that! Sure, I’m great in a lot of other ways but damn! Dating me is like dating someone who will never be happy with anything you do. Because if I show happiness, I’m being vulnerable and that is not something that is easy for me to do. I literally fight off my happiness.

I think I’m tired of being the tough girl. Why is it so hard for me to admit when something hurts my feelings? Actually that part isn’t that hard, it’s believing that it’s okay I feel that way that’s tough for me. Letting down my guard for just a minute to show a “girlie” side of me is not something that comes very easily for me. It’s not something I want to do but that’s only because I’ve been programmed for so long now to not accept the weakness in girls/me. Yet it’s that behavior that is destroying every relationship with a man that I’ve ever had.

Questioning a huge part of my character has been very tough for me. Who I am is all I’ve ever known! But I do know that it has become a problem in my life and I need to do something about it. It’s a very scary concept for me but it’s something I really feel like I need to do in order to let someone in enough to love and be loved in return. I realize I could find this by just being me too…but this is something I WANT to work on. It’s something I think will make me happier as a person. After all, these girl feelings are all feelings I have I’m just afraid to express them for the fear that I will be viewed as weak, and stupid. But I need to stop being so afraid. I do not have a pair of balls between my legs! And it is okay, and actually preferred, to behave like a girl with real emotions. Go figure! I’m going to seriously make an attempt at this…wish me luck!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I think I die in my dreams.I can’t handle the awake times right now.But ending life is not my way.My dreams appear and make me suffer.Dark clouds rain down pieces of myself.My ego, my damaged mind, my heart.I see the worst parts of me swirling in disaster.Bouncing with hatred and pain.These make-believes become my reality. I cannot decipher between the two.My tears become a puddle at my feet.My screams are silenced by bravado.All those I trust become devils.They scratch my skin off and let me bleed.I look up, down, all around for someone to save me.They never come.Fingers point to me and heavy amusement is heard.But I’m damaged I plead!I was born this way!Someone needs to save me! To have pity on my soul!If I could just believe what many have offered…That I am lovable and worthy of joy.But I don’t want to go to sleep.And I can't stand to be awake.I am definitely in pain and sorrow.I want to find my limbo and feel my smile.I want to believe that it’s up to me.And I want to believe that I Deserve It. Repaired is what I would like to be.Fixed independently, Is what I am trying to find.No more death by nightNo more suffering by day.Learning to love myself asBeautifully damaged,Is the way.The path I must find.The truth I must believe.Beautifully damaged is me.Beautifully damaged is me.BeautifullyDamagedIsMe.

About Me

Where to start? The purpose of my blog is to allow you, the reader, to get to know me more. I will let you discover who I am through reading my blog.
I don't think it's news to anyone that I grew up in a trailer park. It is often a joke of mine to reference it and how I rose above that lifestyle. I have no shame in my roots though and even desire to own a trailer park one day! It is a huge part of me hence my blog title and picture.
Furthermore, I feel that learning about me will help you learn about yourself. I know I take in so much knowledge from my friends and feedback so I hope you find this useful as well.