A psychologist discusses the best self-help literature for life and practice.

08/31/2011

Dating from the Heart

Charlotte Kasl's If the Buddha Dated:A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path (2002, Penguin Group) reverently articulates the 'meaningful relationship' in the way only a spiritually enlightened psychologist can. Kasl encourages the interior search of the gentle reader with great sensitivity, acknowledging that finally entering the dating world with clear intention is stepping into "the sacred fire." I was delighted to see her illustrate the evolution of the personal ad from superficial to spiritual, finally capturing the essence of what you are/want, with many examples. But it's hard to flip through this book and just find that chapter. You have to work through it as a process, much as you do with Mira Kirschenbaum's books on evaluating partner relationships.

Kasl's approach is so delicate and thorough that you feel as though you are participating in a transformative workshop on the first reading. I wanted to take in the book slowly, line-by-line, just as I did when reading Freud as an undergraduate, or the Bible as a child. (Oh, well, there's always a second and third time through.) One message that particularly stands out is her frank admonition to "resolve unfinished business with family, friends, past lovers or spouses." Yes, she tells you exactly how to do that, in detail. While the content that follows is clearly twelve-step inspired, I can't help thinking that only a fellow EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapist would suggest you could resolve things--if only internally--within the time it takes to work through a good self-help book!

As a psychologist, I would recommend this book to single clients of any age who seem ready for a serious relationship at some level. This book was recommended to me not long ago by sex-addictions expert Rob Weiss, who suggested it as a how-to-date book. He notes that many courtship skills--both introspective and interpersonal--are never learned by those with childhood neglect and abuse histories.

There are those in my field who believe that men in their twenties today are generally not ready for deeply committed relationships, let alone marriage. The young men I meet in my practice, however, are bringing the social intelligence and inquisitiveness encouraged from early on by their boomer parents and/or teachers. They--as much as young women--want to know what's in store for them in the dating world, or what they might strive for.

These days, it seems, we all just want to make well-informed promises that we can keep.

If the Buddha Dated is available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle edition, and on iBooks for iPad.