BREAKING NEWS! CREELEY CANONIZED! POETIX STOCK SURGES!

Poetix Unlimited stock prices rose sharply on the Pobiz index this morning on news that Poetix founder Robert Creeley had been canonized in Buffalo NY, where he was officially renamed St. Robert the Nice.

The canonization process has been ongoing for several years, beginning in 2006 when Charles Beanstock, CEO of Pobiz International (Third Way Bloc), Board Chair of the Great Philadelphia Poetry Warehouse and Media Centre, and former Rector of the Buffalo Poetics Formation declared Creeley a Servant of Grammatology, recognizing his crucial service in excising the lingering taint of the Olson Heresy with its erroneous commitment to a body/breath based poetics of transformative gnosis. “Olson’s heresy,” stated Cardinal McGuffey, spokesman for the Grey Chair Congregation for the Quantification of Verse, “was to tie the poem to icky body stuff that you can’t even really measure. How long, exactly how LONG, is a breath? I mean what the hell did Olson know about the body, anyway? He was never sick like me.”

Creeley was awarded the title of Venerable Poet in 2008 by the Poetics Congregation mostly for just outliving all his peers, but also in recognition of his life of Heroic Virtue in the service of improving himself and not drinking so much and being so angry all the time. “He overcame his anger,” Rector Beanstock said, “becoming really nice. He was a really nice poet, he liked poetics, and kittens, and he wasn’t hung up on all the stuff about the sacred like the Olson Heresy. Meh. Who needs it? We have Zukofsky.”

Beatification was a little longer in coming to the Venerable Poet, miracles being few and far between these days, especially in Buffalo, and especially for an implacable, committed skeptic. However, Beanstock accepted Creeley’s vanquishing of the Olson Heresy as a small miracle. “Getting rid of Olson was no mean feat,” Beanstock stated. “He was very big. And he had a lot of acolytes. They were crazy, absolutely gaga as St. Robert put it. And they were everywhere. And much as I would have liked to tie them to faggots and burn them, the University wouldn’t allow it. He had to crush them one by one, a veritable St. Patrick driving the Olsonites into Lake Erie.”

Creeley’s second miracle capped the process of canonization, earning him the well-deserved title of Saint. “It would have been nice if he could have turned water into wine,” Cardinal McGuffey stated. “Free wine is nothing to shake a stick at. But that’s hard to do these days. We had to settle for getting internet into one of the Buffalo inner city schools. Now that was a miracle.”

Po investors’ confidence in Poetix Unlimited was buoyed by news of Creeley’s sainthood. Recent investment had lagged due to the perception that Poetix inventory was stale and that the cost of replacing their aging theoretical machinery would cut deeply into profits.