Catchup

TR: These are the good years for me and Barb. The kids are gone and their cat finally died, old Skeezix has coughed up his last hairball, and so we were finally able to get a new sofa to replace the one that he had ripped to shreds and finally we can have guests over now that our furniture doesn't look like a compost heap. Our dream of living without cat hair in our food has finally come true. So we had every reason in the world to be happy. But then one evening, I found Barb sitting at the kitchen table, staring off into space, tears welling up in her eyes.

SS: I'm so unattractive, Jim. Don't say I'm not. My hair is a mess, my skin is dry and wrinkly, I have a ropy neck.

TR: What??? You're incredibly sexy. That's why my voice is so deep. Before I met you I TALKED LIKE THIS. And now? (LOW LASCIVIOUS LAUGHTER)

SS: Jim----- remember yesterday morning when I saw the ad for a beauty makeover?

TR: Right. Why don't you go get one?

SS: I did, Jim. This morning.

TR: Oh. Are you sure?

SS: Jim, my hair is red. It used to be brown.

TR: Well, isn't that something.

SS: Jim, close your eyes. ---- Just close your eyes.

TR: Okay.

SS: Now tell me what color eyes I have.

TR: What color eyes you have?

SS: Right.

TR: Why do you want to know, Barb?

SS: What color eyes do I have, Jim?

TR: How many guesses do I get?

SS: Oh Jim. Do you even look at me anymore? Or am I just some waitress who brings you your scrambled eggs in the morning?

TR: I didn't have scrambled eggs this morning, Barb. I had corn flakes.

SS: We've been married for twenty-six years, Jim. Do you even know who I am?? Do you care? You barely talk to me anymore. But if the phone rings and it's some attractive young woman from work, suddenly you're Mr. Personality.

TR: Did someone call from work?

SS: And you didn't notice my tattoo either.

TR: Tattoo? Where?

SS: Here. On my leg. The rose.

TR: Oh. I thought that was a varicose vein.

SS: A varicose vein?

TR: Well, I can hardly see it through your stockings. They're all wrinkly.

SS: I'm not wearing stockings.

TR: I'm sorry, Barb. I love you ---- you know that ---- but I know I take you for granted. Just like I take ketchup for granted. But I can't imagine living without either one of you.

SS: Do you mean that, Jim?

TR: You're my favorite condiment in the cupboard of my heart, Barb.

SS: Oh, Jim-----

RD:

These are the good times, in the morning sun.
A new day is dawning. A new life has begun.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on a bun.

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).