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The heat is on. “This is the elimination that no one wanted to be in,” says Gary, and immediately we know how serious tonight is: we’re to have no more of those ordinary eliminations that everyone loves to be in.

It’s also, of course, the end of Heston Week, which means for some of these cooks, it could be their last ever opportunity to dip a hamburger in liquid nitrogen or sculpt pea foam into the shape of a water buffalo.

Matt informs the contestants that tonight’s challenge is “all about deception”, like the deception Heston employed to convince the world he was a famous chef. Heston himself, staring down the amateurs like the tightly-wound Thunderbird puppet he is, explains how wonderful it is to eat something that turns out to be a different thing than what the thing you thought it was is. Indeed is that not the essence of dining? Basically that’s the challenge: make a thing that isn’t what you think it is.

Heston's worried about Tracy.

The amateurs rush to the pantry to plan. The judges gather in a huddle to suck up to Heston. Heston asks Amy how she’s doing. Amy explains that she has an insane idea about a cheesecake that looks like a cherry. Because it’s Heston Week, everyone thinks this is perfectly reasonable.

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Meanwhile Tracy is hoping to disguise lamb as something that’s not lamb, like a Chupa Chup or something; while Brent seems to be intent on creating an avant-garde piece of installation art depicting the contradictions at the heart of the human condition.

Brent has long ago forgotten what show he’s on. Heston tells him his idea is a bad idea. Brent thinks this is a bit of a worry, but feels he must be true to himself and to his dream of failing on a television show. And then of course there is Ben, who has given up all hope.

Brent worries his planned culinary tribute to his father is not deceptive enough.

Brent continues to worry about the fact that his planned culinary tribute to his father is not deceptive enough. Perhaps he could put the whole thing inside a jack o'lantern. Elsewhere, Ben, as far as I can tell, is hoping to burn the kitchen down.

Time is ticking away and Brent remains unable to think of a way to make his non-deceptive dish deceptive. Maybe he could try doing something that actually fits the instructions instead, but this seems too radical for Brent. George takes him aside for a pep talk, which seems to work – Brent now knows that if he doesn’t pull himself together, he might have to talk to George again.

Amy with her cheeseball- plums.

Amy is concerned about gelatin. She considers joining PETA, but instead informs us that she has to “literally cross my fingers”, an action which will surely make it difficult to operate an egg whisk.

Brent has changed his mind. Instead of making a tribute to his father, he will make a plate of dirt, as a tribute to George. The dirt will be made from chocolate, Szechuan pepper, orange candy and mousse – if it comes together just right it may taste almost as good as real dirt.

Over at Tracy’s bench, it’s a hive of activity. What she’s doing I’ve got no idea, but there’s definitely activity. Meanwhile Ben explains to George and Heston his plan to burn them all alive. Heston warns him against making his arson too dry. Ben takes a bundle of charred grass out of the oven as fears grow for his sanity.

Amy is cunningly disguising pears as smaller pears. She is also making cheesecakes that look like cherries. George advises her to make cheesecakes that look like plums instead. It’s these little details that make all the difference – how embarrassing it can be when you make your cheesecake resemble the wrong stone fruit.

As Ben continues to burn things, Tracy explains that she is making lamb that doesn’t look like lamb. George finds this concept utterly incomprehensible, despite the fact that it is literally the entire premise of this episode.

As time runs short and Gary yells joyfully about how much he loves deception, Ben has burnt some more things. He is basically planning to disguise a steak as an insurance scam.

Meanwhile Brent has made a pile of chocolate that looks uncannily like a pile of chocolate. Gary takes Heston aside and asks him to pretend he doesn’t think everyone in the room is a moron.

Tracy is Heston’s biggest concern, both regarding her dish and her general lack of direction in life. Tracy has in her panic decided to make her lamb crumble into a lamb crumble with hollandaise sauce, hoping to reach the point where the lamb is convincingly disguised as a complete mess.

Amy is dipping her balls in liquid nitrogen, because if the success of Heston has taught us nothing else, it has taught us that everything should be dipped in liquid nitrogen. And it has indeed taught us nothing else.

Tracy is spiralling into a maelstrom of madness as her hollandaise obsession becomes dangerous to herself and others. From above Laura smirks and offers the sort of encouragement that seems pretty sarcastic coming from someone who’s not facing elimination.

While Brent covers his desserts in chocolate to replicate the appearance of desserts covered in chocolate, Amy proceeds to plate up a series of small, moist brown balls that I suppose sort of look like plums, if you were dipping the plums in a fondue. Meanwhile Brent has burnt everything to a crisp, and Tracy is being carried out on a stretcher, still wildly whisking the hollandaise in her head.

It is time to judge. Ben serves up his burnt things, but first, he burns them some more, so the judges really understand how committed he is to burning stuff. The judges are quite happy with his dish, knowing that there is nothing that improves a meal like it looking completely inedible. If only more chefs had the creativity to serve things that look awful.

Brent is second to serve, and he is extremely emotional. This means a lot to him, which should help him a lot assuming we are living in an imaginary world where how much something means to someone determines how good at it they are.

His dish has certainly captured the uncanny impression of someone having hit a plate full of Flakes with a hammer. Matt loves it because it looks like a swanky fine restaurant dish but actually it’s not. Nobody really knows what Matt is talking about – do swanky restaurants often serve silt?

Next up is Amy, whose dish apparently doesn’t work. It doesn’t work because they could tell that her cheeseball plums weren’t really plums. As opposed to Brent’s dish, which they were stunned to discover wasn’t really dirt.

Lastly, Tracy. Her lamb is well cooked, but again, the judges knew it was lamb before they ate it. It just didn’t provide that sense that Ben and Brent created: the sense that what they were about to eat would kill them.

“This week has been all about Heston Blumenthal,” Gary informs the amateurs, so that they don’t get ideas above their station. Results are imminent.

Ben, who made the judges truly believe they were eating dinner amid the smoking ruins of their home, is through to finals week. Brent, who achieved that perfect balance between food that looks like dirt and dirt that looks like food, is also through. And the last person through to finals week is…

Tracy! Her ability to take lamb and do something or other with it that made it look like a thing of some kind has won through, while Amy’s failure to make a thing look enough like things that aren’t a thing has cost her dearly. Unfortunately she will miss the party tonight where the contestants go wild to celebrate Heston leaving them alone.

And so goodbye Amy: the farewell screen informs us that she is doing work experience at a restaurant. Which she could have done in the first place without all this MasterChef nonsense, but I guess it passes the time.

Meanwhile the survivors are off to a Heston masterclass, where they will learn the correct way to lie to customers and suffer severe chemical burns. And we look toward finals week with hopeful hearts…

6 comments so far

Thanks be, Ben Pobje is back to skewer Masterchef.Just because a show begs to be slaughtered by right minded observers doesn't mean it shouldn't be.

Commenter

Andrew

Location

Sydney

Date and time

July 18, 2014, 9:56AM

Woah there Andrew. Excellent deception there with your double negative.

So very deceptive. So very Blumenthal.

So let me work this out by taking out the double negative. So... a show that begs to be slaughtered, should be slaughtered.

Hmmm...

Now that you have served this up, it's not very deceptive at all. There isn't even a twist.

I'm sorry Andrew.

You are going home.

Commenter

MJ

Location

Prahran

Date and time

July 18, 2014, 12:35PM

I was struggling to describe that ludicrous dish but "someone having hit a plate full of Flakes with a hammer" describes it perfectly.

I hope I never find myself in a "swanky fine restaurant" that serves something like that. My aging eyes first read the question "do swanky restaurants often serve silt" as something else . . . but beginning with "s" and ending in "t".

Commenter

Squeaky McCrinkle

Location

Sydney

Date and time

July 18, 2014, 12:33PM

Oh Ben, I am here alone crying with laughter at your article....sheer genius! And thank you, for years Heston has reminded me of someone but could never put my finger on it...it is Brains from Thunderbirds of course! Keep up the brilliant work....

Commenter

AT

Location

Date and time

July 18, 2014, 2:24PM

Thanks Ben. Very, very funny recap, as usual.

Commenter

Jenny

Location

Sydney

Date and time

July 18, 2014, 2:47PM

Thanks Ben - I love the recaps and never watch the show - but what has happened to dear little Laura? Eliminated I s'pose. Better trawl through and look for previous recaps.