Government propose One Chav per Family Law

In an attempt to reduce the number of feckless unemployable youths roaming Britain, the coalition government have proposed limiting the number of registered chavs to one per household. The Minister for Culture explained. ‘The previous administration’s lax policy on the breeding of homo-blingus has resulted in a population explosion of needy little shits whom suck the life and good taste out of this Fair Isle. Though the total extinction of a species is best left to Dr Who or the Germans, we have a fundamental duty to the voting middle class of this county to restrict the numbers of chavs to manageable levels.’

The Countryside Alliance are backing the government plans to reduce chav numbers, Mrs Hilda Smyth-Bottomly explained. ’They are a bloody pest, they worry livestock and spread VD through sheep flocks. It’s a disgrace and when a pack turn up we have to get the hunt out to chase them to ground where the beagles can rip them apart in an orgy of blood letting and fake gold jewellery. Some of the liberals say we should put traps out for them loaded with WKD and Carling then shoot them, but I maintain that is a death too good for them.’

The Slater family from Kingston are appalled at the news and Mrs Slater was angry as she spoke to the press. ‘We have been breading prize chavs for 20 years now and have another litter on the way. With these new rules we don’t know what to do. We would give them away to a good home but to be honest they aren’t house trained or particularly good with children. We sent a couple up to Edinbugh zoo, but they were returned two weeks later as they escaped from their enclosure and tried to force feed a Big Mac and McFlurry to a panda while teaching it to swear.’

The RSPCA are also alarmed at the news. ‘Before the rioting in the summer then we saw increasing numbers of chavs being left on the streets to roam wild and warmed the police that a pack of feral chavs is all you need to cause chaos in an urban environment. With the new law, these creatures will be abandoned in greater numbers than ever and we fear that they may overrun city centres. We have also come across increasing incidents of young people in Burberry being tied up in weighted sacks and thrown in a canal. It cruel, brutal and has to stop, the public need to know that disposal of an unwanted chav should be carried out by a trained vet.’

" ...but they were returned two weeks later as they escaped from their enclosure and tried to force feed a Big Mac and McFlurry to a panda while teaching it to swear.’" is m' favourite riff there Immunis.