Flight 1462 to Edinburgh, Sunday night. Late boarding, we’re stuck in the ass of the plane. There’s an older chav-like female sitting in the window seat, reading some very pink magazine full of all the important information on world events one should be familiar with such as Britney Spears’ latest alleged lover’s name, the latest photos of Julia Someone-or-Other, and tips on how to do a French manicure at home for only £3.50.

Across the aisle were a couple of kids and some older guy on the window. The 12-ish girl was engrossed in a magazine as her brother sat fumpily looking over her shoulder, turning away whenever she looked up so as not to be caught reading material that was, for the most part, not much different than that which held the woman's attention.

Some twenty minutes after scheduled departure and still at the gate, a waitre… sorry, stewardess/air hostess/cabin crew member asked the man in 32F if he would change seats. He seemed happy at first until he was directed to 32A. They then asked the 40-something Chavette if she’d please move to 32F. Why is BA making them play musical chairs?



"The children are flying unaccompanied and it’s company policy not to seat them next to men."

The man didn’t care too much. The woman said, "I’m not bloody child-friendly," but moved nevertheless. I, unable to help myself, asked what the hell sort of blatantly and accusatorily sexist company policy that was supposed to be.

"It’s not sexist sir, it’s just company policy." I couldn’t help wondering if she’d previously worked for Boetha’s Ministry of Information. "it's not racism, it’s just country policy."

"It’s not sexist?" I asked. "You’re insinuating that be deint of the fact that he’s male, he’s unsuitable to sit next to children in an open aircraft. This isn’t some private room, it’s a well-lit airplane in which everyone is in full view."

"It’s our policy, sir."

That sounded so much better in the original German.

The man sat down and mentioned to me that he’s not traveling alone. Over 60 himself, his wife is sitting 18 rows forward because BA couldn’t or wouldn’t sit them together.

Now here’s where they could’ve been smart. Or clever. Or at least tactful. They could have asked the woman sitting next to this man’s wife to move in back next to the kids so that this man could sit with his wife. That would’ve been subtle. But BA doesn’t give a damn. They’re quite happy to be overtly discriminatory and play along with the insanity that any man is a potential pederast.

Another waitre… sorry, I keep doing that, passenger safety supervisory assistant… backed up the first one and threw in that the parents had asked for that.

I call shenannigans. I can’t think of any parent in the world who would, out of the blue, specifically ask that their kids not be sat next to a male. Worse, I can’t understand why any company in the world would accept such intolerable demands from customers and play along with – much less promote -- such baseless fears.

Not five minutes later, the head wai… ah, to hell with it, waitress came over to me and uttered the magic question, "Is there a problem?" "Yes," I replied, "There is indeed a problem. By virtue of his sex alone you've demanded that this man relinquish his seat and you've forced that woman to sit next to the kids."

"It's airline policy," she interrupted.

"You don't know if that man won a humanitarian award or if that woman was just released from prison for child endangerment." The pink lady looked up. "Nothing personal, just hypothetically speaking here. My point is that solely because he possesses testicles you're assuming that not only is he a child molester but that he'd also be dumb enough to do something on the plane in full view of passengers and crew."

"Sir, if you don't wish to be on the flight you can depart the plane."

"And how would I get to Edinburgh?"

"That's not my concern. My concern is the safety of the passengers."

"It can't be because you have no idea whether that woman could pose a risk to the children. You're assuming that because she has no testicles she presents no danger despite the fact that subtle killings such as poisonings are inevitably done by women. Your supposed policy is outrageous."

"Sir, I don't have time to discuss this. Would you like to leave the plane?"

And that was that. Either shut up or lose my flight.

There has never been a conviction on any charge of molestation in an airplane. There have been accusations, most famously an Indian on Northwest Airlines back in 2001. You have to search hard to find the mention of his acquittal. Not one of the cases was dropped due to a technicality; in each instance there was not only no evidence, what testinmony was given was found to be unbelievable, and in parts, impossible.

So I did the only thing I could do. As soon as we were "free to move about the cabin" I grabbed my laptop and wrote this story in Word, expanding the window to fill the wide-screen LCD monitor and making the headline very large. Every waitress saw it and they were concerned enough about it to get the head waitress who was working up front to come to the back.

Alas, there were no cops waiting for me in Edinburgh when we disembarked. I was able to get the rental car and after 10 minutes of pissing around in the carpark, I finally found the well-hidden exit.

On the way back to Germany I was pulled aside both in Edinburg and again in London for an extra-super-special "security" check. Big surprise, that.

BA is now on my "Do Not Fly" list.