Love Lesson From Twilight #4,267: "Love" turns all guys into controlling jerks who don't do anything except compete to see whose dingdong is bigger. 
 Sadly that's most of what's going on in "Twilight: Eclipse." You would think that a vampire army out for revenge on the main character would be the distinguishing characteristic of this book... but no, it's smothered in a thick coating of phlegmlike teen angst, whining and bickering. It gets to the point where you WISH the bad guys would arrive and kill everyone else. 
 Edward is pestering Bella to marry him. Bella doesn't want to because she's not "that girl" who got married right out of high school. Jacob wants Bella to dump Edward and be with him instead, so he forces her to kiss him and has her break her hand on his face. Jacob is now as jerky as Edward. 
 Meanwhile, the evil Victoria is raising an army of newborn vampires to come to Forks and kill Bella. Yes, seriously -- she raised an entire army to kill ONE bland human teenager. Not the Cullens, or the people of Forks. Just Bella. And since the entire universe revolves around Bella, both the werewolves and the Cullens are desperate to protect her. So they overcome centuries of mutual hatred and join forces to protect her. 
 "Eclipse" is an appropriate title for this book -- a promising and exciting plot gets eclipsed by Stephenie Meyers' sexual fantasies about having two teenagers drooling over her. I honestly wanted to see more of the newborn army and all this mayhem they were supposed to be causing... but instead I got a bad teen soap opera that the CW would be embarrassed by. 
 As usual, Stephenie Meyers' writing is a slushy, plotless disaster -- rambling dialogue, clumsy literary references to make it sound "deep," endless whining and snobbery from Bella. And the dialogue is so cheezy you could spread it on crackers, especially Edward. The two worst examples are "Look after my heart -- I've left it with you" and "Sleep my Bella... you are the only one who will ever touch my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep my only love." Can anyone read that and not vomit? 
 And as usual, the characters are utterly repulsive. The only characters who get any good development are Rosalie and Jasper, both of whom are given complex, well-rounded backstories that make me like them much better than the actual lead characters. 
 Bella is completely passive, whiny and a huge liability to everyone else. And though it's obvious she'll never dump Edward for Jacob, we're tortured with endless posturing and squabbling from both of them. They both act like controlling, stalkerish jerks who do things like sabotage Bella's car or force her to kiss them (which gets kudos from Charlie). 
 "Eclipse" is suitably named -- any semblance of plot, action or characterization is eclipsed by the creepy love triangle. Give it a miss, and go read some Jim Butcher.