I'm Oskar with a k like Liza with a Z cause Oskar with a k is krazy (also kind, klever and kultured). I'm 10 going on Dalai Lama. I make jewellery (I know!) and collect butterflies who have died naturally and play a tambourine constantly. You have to wonder why no one has killed me since I must drive people insane with my maximum cuteness. Oh, and have shortwave radio conversations with my grandma over in another desirable residence in the Upper West Side. I have empathy for every living thing including you. This great and terrible tragedy happened to me so nobody, not even those horrid GR people, can make fun of me, even when I'm so twee a hobbit would thwow up all over the nearest elf. This is the way I speak with my Mom : 
 "Mom?" "Yes?" "Nothing." 
 "What is it, baby?" "Well it's just that wouldn't it be great if mattresses had spaces for your arm, so that when you rolled on to your side, you could fit just right?" "That would be nice." "And good for your back, probably, because it would let your spine be straight, which I know is important." "That is important." "Also, it would make snuggling easier... And making snuggling easier is important." "Very." 
 Here, you can use this bin, or the sink, whichever. I'm so kloying and keen to make everyone's lives better by befriending deaf centenarians and lonely billionaires and dragging them off on eccentric heart-twanging dead-father-related quests that Amelie from that kooky French movie Amelie would be out-cloyed and out-eccentriced at every turn & would have to throw herself out of my window wearing a birdseed dress which is an invention of mine for suicides by defenestration as the birdseed would attract birds who would carry the person aloft & thus prevent their self-destruction. Okay maybe when the birdseed was gone then the person would plummet, but I don't think that far about any of my kooky schemes, magical children who could never possibly exist don't do that. 
 My brain is just naturally like Pixar HD. 
 I'll invent an invisibility suit that has a camera on my back that takes video of everything behind me and plays it onto a plasma screen that I'll wear on my front, which will cover everything but my face. It'll look like I'm not there at all. 
 You may be wondering how I got to be like I am. Well, there's a long line of cutesypie narrators in my family. My grandfather, frinstance. He's tweer than me. Is that a word? It is now. He explained How I Met Your Grandmother like this: 
 I had so much to ask her, "Do you lie on your stomach and look for things under the ice? Do you like plays? Do you like it when you can hear something before you can see it?... in the middle of my youth, in the middle of Europe, in between our two villages, on the verge of losing everything, I bumped into something and was knocked to the ground... at first I thought I'd walked into a tree, but then the tree became a person... 
 I would like to explain that I am depressed about my father but as I'm in this novel I don't call it that, I say I'm wearing heavy boots. I would also like to say that what with all this smiling through tears, the grandma, the grandfather, the old guy who can hear again, the mom who is probably schmoozing with some guy in the next room, the sad quest to find the Blacks of New York, AND 9/11 AND let's throw Hitler into the mix, you don't have to look any further for a dictionary definition of emotional blackmail.