A hero named Sam Stocking. A heroine named Noel Holiday. Marijuana mistletoes. Penis stockings. A nutty family that would make the Griffins from Family Guy look tame. And these: 
 (Noel's POV) "Can you please tell your mother to let go of my dick?" Sam begs in a high-pitched voice. 
 *** 
 (Sam's POV) My mouth is still attached to Noel's nipple and my hand is still down her pants and I have no fucking idea what just happened, but my dick is about ready to stab someone. 
 *** 
 (Noel's POV) Sweet Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the Wise Men, that's it, I'm done... Holy longest orgasm in the world, Batman! 
 Look, how can you resist an H who's described as follows? 
 Sweet Baby Barracuda, he's hung like a Christmas donkey. Like Dominic the Donkey, but much less annoying and unpleasing to the ears. Very pleasing to the vagina. 
 The answer is you don't. Resistance is futile.