I..uh... 
 *clears throat* 
 Um. 
 *Puts head on desk* 
 himynameismadeleineandipurchasederotica 
 Shit. People I knew from middle school follow me on this site. MY MOM follows me on this site. I'm better than this, damnit! 
 Okay, here we go, the review. 
 I am so sorry mom. 
 Do I seem like a better person if I say I was deeply disturbed by this? Because I was. This was one of the least erotic things involving sex since my prom night. JOKES. KEEP MAKING JOKES AND IT'LL BE EASIER. 
 List of excuses to make to people for reading this book: It's written by Anne Rice, I found a signed copy, and I was told it was a healthier, sexy alternative to 50 Shades of Grey. By fucking Lacigreen! Why would you tell such tall tales, Lacigreen! Sex positive my ass. 
 That last part was a phallacy. FALLACY. SHIT. THIS BOOK TURNED MY MIND INTO A TOILET I AM SO, SO SORRY. 
 For a book supposed to be dedicated to explicit sex, it really did not deliver. There was sex, but it was a lot of... bull shitting around. And only in the first 40 pages. The rest was being horribly restricted and...spanked. So much spanking. None of it was sexy. Seriously, this book is 70% spanking and the rest of it is crawling on the floor retrieving things. BDSM sounds terrible. 
 The actual "Sleeping Beauty" references vanish after chapter 1, you're stuck in this weird alternate universe where the whole political system is built around being a sex slave to people you technically out-rank. Yes, you heard me. Princes and Princesses are forced to service dukes, lords and ladies. So our fair princess is taken to the castle and becomes the most sought after c*m dumpster in all the land. All because she's really hot when she's...being hit. 
 So the governing bodies never really do anything than get into petty fights over what ass they want to paddle. What happens when a war breaks out? Are there any taxes in Sexlandia? Are they sexy taxes? What is the main export, other than semen? I can only suspend my disbelief so much. 
 Beauty also has a love interest, who spends the final third of the book monologuing about how he was mentally and physically broken in this very dark system that is really sickening and wrong. And the whole time Beauty is creaming herself over her suffering. I'd feel bad but I skipped half of it, from a delicate balance of revulsion and boredom. PORN. WAS BORING. Let that sink in. 
 And then in the last four pages she decides she wants to be with this other slave that is only mentioned once before, and god knows if I remembered him at that point in the book, so she acts out enough to be sold into what is implied as THE LITERAL WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO HER. The whole book is "Well, just as long as you don't end up in the village" SHE FUCKING RUNS TO THE VILLAGE. 
 I have to give kudos to the author for making the male love interest butt-fuck the other male love interest of the lead girl as a weird dominance thing. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE TWO MALE LEAD BUTT-FUCKING? While the female lead is forced to watch? I'm sorry but.... that took hutzpah. And this came out in the 80's. I know the author wrote Interview with a Vampire and has a thing for period-piece gays, but holy shit could you see that in mommy-porn today? Nope. Not that I'm checking for it, because while some girls are into that, I certainly was not. 
 But at the end of the day, you have to break it down in it's betrayal of a BDSM relationship. Which is the main complaint I've heard about 50 Shades so I don't know why this one gets more praise. I need to explain how unhealthy this is. Because this is important. Here's what I know, and honestly have no plans to practice about BDSM: 
 1.The sub is really the one in control. that's why there is a safeword. You are not risking any pain, discomfort, or trauma by pushing the "Blurred lines" of consent. THIS BOOK HAS THE MORAL COMPASS OF ROBIN THICKE. 
 2.Consent was not given once in the novel. Hope you're cool with that (hint, you shouldn't be). 
 3.All the steps to keep the sub feeling safe are ignored. You do not live a 24/7 life of slavery to the dom's whims. This is fucking ridiculous. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE TREATED LIKE HUMANS AND IT IS DISGUSTING. 
 4. Nothing in this book is erotic. Nobody enjoys what is being done to them. It's just stuffy royals toying with other human's sanity. These people aren't enjoying sex, they are being mentally broken until they submit. 
 In conclusion, This book is so fucking gross. I know I'm going to think about it randomly and fall into an unending rage. I actually felt abused by this book. 
 I need a fucking shower and a cigarette. I need to do good deeds. I need to call my grandma and volunteer and a children's hospital. 
 Anna Rice, I leave this between you and god. Because he's got a few things to say to you.