My Blackest Night: A Victim Speaks Out 
 Right back at ya, big guy. :) And Geoff Johns sucks too. 
 Please excuse the 300-proof hatred; I'm a vitrioholic. ;-) Apologies to my friends who liked 'Blackest Night'. I feel terrible that you genuinely liked this shit. ;-P (I'm kidding, of course; it's theoretically possible that for people immersed in the green Kool-Aid, it all makes perfect sense. Even superhero fans without a Phd. in recent Green Lantern history may be familiar enough with the chaotic 'structure' of crossover events to make sense of it, and... enjoy it(?). But as someone with a limited knowledge of both, it seemed like a strangely unimaginative and farcical jewelry-powered bad-idea-accumulator. Perspectives. They make the world a hellish beautiful place to live.) 
 The 'comic event' that DC and Marvel thoughtfully provide for the faithful fanboys, who have learned to subsist on whatever shit the 'Big Two' excrete, is a storyline that wanders off at oblique angles to include as many characters and monthly titles as it can. It's origins are shrouded in mystery... oh wait. No they're not. It started with 'Zatanna's Search', written by Gardner Fox to include several DC superhero titles (Hawkman, Detective Comics, The Atom, Green Lantern, & Justice League of America), way back in 1964. Twenty years later, notorious wunderkind/former editor-in-chief Jim Shooter re-introduced the crossover event in Marvel's 'Secret Wars', which was either pure genius or a complete waste of paper; either way, it did put a slick looking black outfit in Peter Parker's closet (which soon became an alien parasite with the consciousness of some evil villain, after fans decided they would forever curse artists to draw the classic Ditko costume, with all it's annoying spider-web details. The classic Spidey-animators just said 'fuck it, I'm not drawing that shit 5000 times an episode'). 
 The big crossover event is so shamelessly marketing based, you might think fans would avoid it as an affront to their intelligence, but you'd be wrong. Characters from titles with anemic sales are shoehorned into whatever cosmic menace the event deals with, and tendrils of sub-plot extending from the convoluted narrative of the 'maxi-series' pull readers into titles they're not usually interested in, using the event as a 'jumping-on' point. 'Blackest Night' was huge business for DC, 'master-minded' by Geoff 'Golden Boy' Johns to shrewdly capitalize on the success of Kirkman's 'The Walking Dead' and 'Marvel Zombies'. 
 After reading reviews and interviews that made Johns sound like Alan Moore multiplied by Grant Morrison plus Joss Whedon cubed, I made the mistake of checking out his work. I have no legitimate excuse for buying two hardcover 'Blackest Night' volumes, and I'm pretty sure that fateful purchase has somehow stained my soul. I wish I could blame it on drugs. I probably should have spent the money on crack instead, because I think 'Blackest Night' does more long-term damage to your mental processes. I'll take the shitty heroin withdrawal instead. 
 And why the 
 fuck 
 I ever thought that a story about Green Lantern fighting zombies would be readable I'm not sure. I plead temporary insanity. You've got a half dozen writers, some of whom are trying to create their own complicated superhero stories, and don't appreciate having to accommodate whatever scraps of plot they're supposed to write into their own tale -- just to satisfy idiotic editorial demands. They've got deadlines, ferfucksake; they're beating themselves about the cerebellum with toasters and dildos, trying desperately to dredge up just one more issue that stays on the right side of the suck-line, nevermind the dead-line. Then you've got about twenty different artists fighting for pages, and the further afield from 'Blackest Night' and 'Blackest Night: Green Lantern' you get, the fuglier the patchwork crazy-quilt gets. In fact, Ivan Reis is pretty terrible, IMO, and he's supposed to be a 'star' name. Doug Mahnke is actually a very talented artist, with an ability to shift styles with ease, but he's changed for the worse to satisfy the fans who think Reis is a genius. 
 None of the volumes were numbered, and 8 or 9 of these 'Blackest Night' hardcovers were released within a two week period, collecting over 2500 pages of material originally published over a 36-week period. That might have something to do with the confusion Johns creates, as bit-players in spandex jump and fly about, screaming things at one another before being turned into zombies. Huge gaps in the story are addressed with helpful captions directing the reader to some other volume they should rush to the store and purchase. When it directed me back to the other volume I DID own, I decided to start reading it, hoping that by reading two unspeakably fucking awful books simultaneously, some act of comic-book alchemy might occur... but no. Combining two shitty books makes for one long, shitty story. It didn't even seem to fill in the plot gap I had been told it would explain by the trusty caption. I'll never trust captions again. 
 I think the story might have had something distantly related to a coherent narrative when the individual issues were published, but because the order sends you deliberately from one title to the next, forcing you to buy 5 or 6 issues per month, collecting the story as hardcovers -- based on title -- means each book is a chopped up mess. The silly little recaps don't do much to make the story enjoyable; only fans who followed this 'event' when it was released in a stapled format are going to get any satisfaction from this. For anyone who isn't familiar with the Green Lantern Corps or Sinestro, this is going to seem like a boring, cynical, unoriginal attempt to cash in on the zombie thing. Taking these books on their own merits -- DC gives the reader no better ideas on how to read or judge them, other than buying them all and devouring 2500 pages at once -- means Geoff Johns seems utterly clueless about writing stories that appeal to new readers. This is pure deus ex machina. 
 I don't remember much about the story. After a few years of counselling I was able to put my 'Blackest Night' behind me, but I still begin moaning and rocking back-and-forth uncontrollably when anyone talks about how great Geoff Johns is. DC followed this event with a sequel, and it was inevitable they'd call it 'Brightest Day'. It gave birth to its own healthy litter of hardcovers. I don't believe in burning books, but I did the next best thing and returned both 'B.N.' copies to my local 'Chapters' store, even though I hadn't purchased them there. I didn't have a receipt, of course, but it's surprising what a few minutes of sustained weeping can accomplish. Muttering between sobs about 'the institution' and how you 'never meant to hurt anyone' can only help the situation. The ability to froth at the mouth on command is probably the most useful talent there is, but if you're not blessed with such a gift, just bite your tongue or the inside of your cheek -- bloody drool is almost as good. 
 The secret is to not ask first. And don't ever speak with near-sighted ostriches that think they're smart. The ratio of their golf-ball-sized brain to their enormous body-mass should give them an intelligence-level somewhere between fungus and flatworm. 
 More Art-book Reviews 
 More Comic-book Reviews 
 More Novel Reviews 
 A Mysterious Review That Might Be Related to the Book in Question, But Written By A Friend Instead