So Pawn. It's a dystopian novel by Aimee Carter. 
 Ugh, I wish. I mean, that is basically the gist of it, if you wanted the tl;dr version, but there's so much absurd fuckery that no joke, I actually considered doing a chapter-by-chapter snark-along. This book is just fuckin' perfect for it, fuckery abounds on every page. However, one (and a half) read-throughs were enough for me, so instead, this review is just going to be long. Very long. So long. I'm sorry. 
 Also, SPOILERS YO 
 The biggest shame of all when it comes to Pawn is that Carter has a really solid premise here. We open to a Terrible Dystopian Society on the day that our heroine, Kitty, has performed terribly on the test that will literally decide the course of her future. See, Kitty lives in a future-world where every citizen, on their seventeenth birthday, is tested, and has their worth to society ranked on a scale of 1 to 7. It's implied the test gauges intelligence, possibly among other things, and the higher the score, the more prospects you have, and the better the life that awaits you. 
 Kitty ranks a 3 III, not because she isn't exceptionally intelligent - this is YA, fuck you very much, and it shall not stand for an average heroine - but because she is dyslexic and illiterate, and thus unable to finish the test. As a III, Kitty is deemed fit only for sewer maintenance, and a life of poverty and degradation. II is just about the lowest anyone can be ranked before they're carted off Elsewhere, the final destination for criminals, and likely the mentally and physically handicapped. 
 I'd seen the posters and heard the speeches. Everyone had. We all had our rightful place in society, and it was up to us to decide what that was. Study hard, earn good grades, learn everything we could, and prove we were special. And when we turned seventeen and took the test, we would be rewarded with a good job, a nice place to live, and the satisfaction that we contributed to our society - everything we would ever need to lead a meaningful life. 
 So hey, this is good stuff, right? I mean as far as YA dystopians go, I was kinda impressed. The Thing the dystopia is built around is relevant, pressing, not too abstract. There's a Point there, a Thing that needs to be addressed: standardized testing and the SATs and the school system that rewards certain kinds of intelligence and undervalues others; the benefits that come with wealth and privilege, the self-perpetuating system that keeps the same people in power, that makes poverty so hard to break out of, that shunts off those it considers useless or a-typical, maybe even a nod to our flawed-as-fuck justice system. There's some meaty shit in here, and if this book really engaged with any of it, it could be fucking phenomenal. If this were about a girl, ambitious and fiercely dissatisfied, ready to smash the system, to join the resistance, to do something, anything, for herself, I'd be down, man. 
 Instead, there's a boy. There's always a boy. This is, after all, a dystopian by Aimee Carter, whose Goddess series drove us coin to the term "man-tivation"*. 
 *on this blog. Others may have coined it somewhere else. 
 So when we meet Kitty, and we discover that she's a III, and what that means, we also learn that she's not exactly upset for herself. I mean, she's not thrilled with the prospect of lifelong sewer maintenance, but mostly, she's upset because this means disaster for her and her boyfriend, Benjy. Kitty is assigned to move to Denver, which separates her and the yet-to-be-ranked Benjy. They consider running away together, or getting married, but- 
 "Of course I want to marry you, but you haven't even taken the test yet, and what if being married to a III affects your rank? I can't do that to you, Benjy. You deserve better than that." 
 I would have done anything to make him happy, but because of my stupid III, I was going to hurt him no matter what I did. At least this way I would be the one risking everything, not him. 
 So instead of apparently fucking up Benjy's test by marrying him - would the testers really even know or care...? - or running away with him, or following through with her assignment in Denver, Kitty opts to...run away to a brothel and auction off her virginity. 
 I took a shaky breath. "Please don't do that to me. Don't make me be the reason your life is ruined. You won't lose me, I promise. I'll come see you every day, and when you turn seventeen, you can take your test, and then we'll both be okay." 
 I mean, let's be clear - this isn't for Kitty, or at least, it is only indirectly. Kitty opts for prostitution so that a) marriage doesn't fuck up Benjy's chances to score well on the test, b) she doesn't ruin *his* life by playing a part in his becoming a fugitive, and c) so they aren't physically separated. 
 I just, what? 
 Benjy then asks to fuck her before she goes, because he wants to be her first, and Kitty explains it's a no-go, because her virginity makes her more valuable, and I try not to vomit. 
 "I know," I whispered. "But I have to. And by the time it's over, we'll have enough saved up to get out of here. Go anywhere we want. You'll have your pick of assignments, and we'll never have to worry about any 
 of this again. Until then..." My mouth went dry, and I tightened my grip on his hand. "Until then, I think we 
 should break up." 
 Benjy stiffened beside me, but he didn't say a word. He didn't have to. 
 "You're right," I said. "You deserve better than this. Better than having me as a girlfriend. Better than having me ruin your life. So--let's not anymore. Not until it's over. When you're a VI, if you still want me..." 
 Ugh. 
 You know, I get it. I do. This shit happens, and I almost admire Carter's willingness to go dark and depict the kind of circumstances that might lead a person to prostitution with a minimum amount of slut-shaming or judgement. Exceeeept that a) we'll soon see that this gun was never really loaded in the first place, and b) for fuck's sake, Carter, can we just not have a heroine whose life revolves around a guy?!? Can we not? 
 But whatever, it doesn't matter, because actual prostitution was never in the cards. At her auction, Kitty is purchased by none other than the prime minister of our totalitarian regime, Daxton Hart - yes that is his real name - which is when the flap summary plot finally kicks in. 
 Thanks to her "bizarre blue eyes" - bizarre blue eyes, jfc, are you fucking kidding me? ughhh - Kitty is the best available candidate for Masking, a plastic surgery-type procedure that will alter basically every aspect of her body to match the Daxton's niece, who has been stealthily dispatched by the government. Apparently science and medicine are capable of altering literally everything about a person right down to the sound of her voice, but is totally at a loss when it comes to eye color. Right. 
 At any rate, in "exchange for her service", the Prime Minister is willing to bump Kitty's rank from a III to a VII, which means that she and Benjy can be together and it won't inconvenience Benjy in the least! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay, optimal outcome! 
 Of course, the PM doesn't actually tell Kitty about the Masking until after its done - she expects the VII in exchange for her service as a mistress, which makes waking up with Lila's face a bit of a shock. 
 So at this point, I'm pretty much still on board. The boyfriend stuff is annoying, but it's an interesting premise that should work fairly well for a tense dystopian thriller. Kitty is blackmailed into agreeing to masquerade as Lila for an indeterminate amount of time, learning the ropes from Lila's mother, Celia, and fiancee, Knox, so that she can fool the public and undo the political damage the real Lila had caused as a figurehead for the obligatory rebellion. Solid idea, solid conflict, lots of potential. 
 And then the narrative just sort if...unravels? Like it's not sure what direction to take the premise in or how, so it just chooses all of them and then jumps around, being "about" a bunch of things without ever settling on one. 
 You'd think the bulk of it would be about Kitty leaning to become Lila, having to live her life on a tight rope, always afraid of stumbling and exposing her true self. And it is, but only briefly. Kitty spends way less time leaning than you would expect - a few weeks, which works out to two and a half chapters, max - and there are maybe three instances in total where she has to publicly play the part. Plus, almost the entire family is in on the switch, so the tension of whether or not Kitty will expose herself is rarely, if ever, present. 
 Honestly, there was so much shit going on and I guess being set up for the rest of the trilogy that I had no idea what this particular installment's conflict would be until it actually happened. There are so many fucking subplots introduced - the rebellion bombing government buildings and mounting an attack on the Hart family compound, Celia's efforts to persuade Kitty to resume Lila's anti-government activities, Kitty's thwarted attempts to prove to Benjy that she's alive, and of course, her impending marriage to/developing feelings for Lila's fiancee Knox, plunking a goddamn love triangle down right smack in the middle of this overstuffed mess. 
 The love triangle actually takes more of a back seat when Benjy shows up for the last half of the novel - rendering the whole Daxton subplot needlessly distracting at best - but I'm sure it's something that'll be come back up in later installments. 
 For all I enjoyed the potential of the dystopia, all of the relevant social issues more or less fall by the wayside - AFTER, of course, Kitty discovers that the "Elsewhere" that criminals and lower-ranked members of society are whisked away to is actually a fucking reserve where the ruling elite go to shoot people for sport. 
 YEP. SERIOUSLY. 
 This, by the way, is how Kitty's foster mother dies. 
 FYI, that is literally the most cartoonish fucking thing you can ever have a villain do. Like, when it comes to mustache-twirling levels of villainy, there's tying a woman to the railroad tracks, and right below that, then there's this. I mean - you can't even expect people to be horrified by this, because it's basically a joke. 
 BUT I DIGRESS. 
 The point is, once things get rolling at the mansion, the social commentary is so much window dressing. We hear a bit about the things that Lila advocates for at her rallies and speeches, and we come to find out that Celia is the head of the rebellion and Knox is her second - which is apparently supposed to be a surprise?!? - but it's all utterly unimportant to the plot of this novel. Family drama is what ultimately emerges victorious from the scuffle of Potential Things this Book Could be About, and serves as the catalyst for this book's climax. 
 Basically, Celia is upset that her brother and their mother, Augusta - who wields the real power behind the throne, and we'll get to that later - murdered Lila, so she initially masterminds an assassination attempt on Daxton, which Kitty botches, and later kidnaps her nephew, Augusta's favorite grandchild, in an effort to exact revenge. And it's riiiiight around that first assassination attempt that this shit just dissolves. 
 If you need a moment to get a soda or something, now would probably be a good time to do that. Cuz we're about to get a whoooooooole lot more in-depth. 
 Read the rest of the review at You're Killing.Us