"That's right ladies. He and I are doing the filthy, and you're right to be jealous." 
 And so begins the woeful tale of LOVE LIES BENEATH, a story that I am --from this point forward-- pretending did not actually come from the fabulous mind of Ellen Hopkins. 
 How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways. 
 Let's just start with the characters. They're horrible -- especially our rich bitch, Tara, a self-proclaimed expert on throwing around money, raising other people's kids, and screwing whatever man stops in her path. 
 "Have I never told you about my superpower? Able to discern the size of a penis across a crowded room." 
 She's had one string of husbands after another, which is how she's fallen into her millions -- something she never lets anyone forget. 
 "What are you doing? Five hundred dollars a spin? You're down six grand! You have to play big to win big." 
 She criticizes everyone around her, but she knows that every male on earth wants nothing more than to ravish her. Even her sister's husband. 
 And here was the biggest WTF moment of them all -- she's strangely bitter and hostile towards her sister's husband, which just seems weird and uncomfortable after so many years. Eventually, she tells us why.... 
 "What Mel will never know is that when they first started dating, Ol' Graham tried to put the moves on me. I told him if I ever found out he'd cheated on my sister, I'd kick his spindly ass." 
 Okay, that makes sense enough..... right?! 
 NO! Did we NOT just read, in the little short story/novella/prequel to this mess that after first meeting Graham, he and Tara "fuck for hours, until there's nothing left to fuck away".... ??! 
 I just CAN'T with this mess, Ellen Hopkins!! 
 The story line, apart from the characters, just never really gets better than that either. Tara goes skiing, injures herself, hooks up with a doctor, gets a threatening note, gripes at her sister, throws around money, maybe falls in love, etc., etc., etc. 
 I'm just SO accustomed to the emotional intricacy, honesty, and beauty conveyed through the author's usual lyrical style --- so this array into trashy adult prose was just incredibly unremarkable and disappointing and dull. 
 If I'm going to relate to the story, I need to have at least SOME trait or quirk or tendency of a character that I can grab onto and understand and FEEL for myself. And if I can't have that, at least give me a story that moves me.... or makes me think... or at least keeps me entertained! 
 There was just nothing here.... beyond a big mess. 
 But hey, if nothing else, at least let me leave you with a parting quote... 
 "But, as my late, great first husband once told me, 'A sweet pussy invites the tongue to tango...'"