Do you have any idea how I'm feeling right now? I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I'm so utterly disappointed. 
 I feel like a teenager who just got stood up at prom night. I can taste the bitterness on my tongue. It's like the Great Breakup of the early 2000s, when Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears parted ways, and proved to me that true love didn't exist in the real world. 
 Gah. 
 (Full rant to follow.)