This book is spectacularly stupid. It would have been better off as a Twilight parody. Like Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, but Bella and Edward try Bondage. At least then I would have known I was supposed to be laughing. 
 The reasons I do not like this book do not include: Not liking erotica, romance or BDSM, I've read other books which included them. Some were great. Some were not. NBD. Reasons for hating this book also do not include: being a Twilight fan, being a James hater. (Okay well I kind of hate her now- but I tried really hard to find any redeeming qualities about this book and consequently the author. There weren't any. Further research only confirmed my suspicions.) 
 The reasons I did not like this book do include: 
 1. First and foremost: atrocious writing. 
 "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves." 
 This is unequivocally the stupidest thing I have ever read. I physically cringed and had to look away from my kindle after reading it. I was embarrassed for the author. 
 Will someone please tell Ms. James that not every sentence needs a freaking adjective, or five? Will someone please buy her a goddam thesaurus and explain to her how to use it? In the first third of the book Christian's fingers are ALWAYS referred to as 'long fingers.' Oh? Oh is that so? He has long fingers? So long in fact that you feel the need to remind me every five freaking seconds? 
 James somehow manages to describe everything and nothing at all. For example: "He's so strong," vs: 
 "Tonight, proximity to him was different but no less disturbing. I don't know if you've ever gotten out of your car near downed electric lines during a storm, but I have. You can feel the energy sizzling and cracking in the air as the lines flop and twist on the ground, and you know you're standing next to raw power that could turn your way with killing force at any second." -Karen Marie Moning (Mac in reference to Barrons, Darkfever) 
 I don't know how a woman who uses so many freaking adjectives actually managed to describe so very little. Other examples include but are not limited to: 
 "Holy Crap! He's so hot!" 
 "He smells like that delicious Christian Grey smell." 
 "His jeans hang off his hips in that way." 
 I'm still dying to know what "that way" is. In fact, it became so infuriating by the middle of the book I was thinking "WHAT IS THAT WAY? I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'THAT WAY' IS! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE EXPLAIN 'THAT WAY'!" In all shouty capitals. 
 2. Ana is stupid. I imagine being her mother and sitting next to her at the pool. It would go something like this: 
 "Ana's face flushes seven shades of Scarlett. I am immediately concerned. She always has such a hard time remembering to do simple things like breathe and eat without having someone there to remind her. Ana gasps. Ana frowns. Ana has a sharp intake of breath, and jumps up straight in the air spilling her soda all over herself. 
 "Are you okay?" I ask. 
 "Fine mom." She rolls her eyes. 
 I watch her closely concerned she might keel over from lack of oxygen (you know because she forgets to breathe). She doesn't bother to clean the soda off her lap, she just continues in her silent reverie. 
 Now she has a blank, empty look on her face. "Oh my!" She gasps again. A Cheshire cat smile crosses her face that she can't seem to control." 
 Because this is basically how Ana describes herself. Let's face it, she's a complete moron. 
 Also there's the small matter of Ana's "subconscious." Subconscious is defined as "of or concerning the part of the mind of which one is not fully aware but which influences one's actions and feelings." 
 Your subconscious is not something you are fully aware of. Therefore it is not possible for it to get snarky with you and say "I told you so." All those things Ana refers to as her "subconscious" are really just her effing thoughts. Her waking CONSCIOUS thoughts. It's not that hard. I can't believe the editors/publishers/whatever let such a glaringly obvious mistake go to print. I get it- this is fantasy, fan fiction, yada yada. But seriously, The Lord of the Rings has more believability than anything in FSoG because of that one mistake alone. It immediately ruins any sense of immersion in the book. 
 3. Christian and Ana are basically the same person at different ends of the BDSM spectrum. They both use the same annoying words to describe how they feel about each other. "Christian beguiles me." "Oh my, Miss Steele, how you beguile me." 
 ... 
 So you beguile each other? You both say stupid things like "Oh my!"? Which I'm reasonably sure is not how any 20 something in America currently thinks. Cool story bro. 
 4. Then there's the pirate sex. On at least two occasions that I'm sure of, one of them cries out "Argh!" while they are having sex. 
 All I could think about was Kiera Knightley and Johnny Depp going at it in pirate rags and dreads. Oh wait- even they don't say stupid piratey things like "Argh!" 
 To the book's defense- I did laugh out loud at this. I laugh at it every time I think about it. This is why it's important to show and not tell. 
 Also, buy a thesaurus. 
 One other thing I'd like to comment on before I go. "I've set the bar quite high in terms of storytelling." E.L. James. 
 If by "you" you mean Stephenie Meyer, then yeah. Maybe. Nope. 
 If by "high" you mean the absolute value of the fifteen feet you buried the bar in the ground then definitely. You're right. I have absolutely no idea how you'll top this. I suppose you could always re-write the book changing "Ana" to "Christian" and her inner goddess to Christian's dick. 
 What's that you say? You already did that? Jeez you're kidding! 
 Well there is always Plan B. You could steal some other author's ideas. For reals though baby, please at least bother to change the setting to someplace you're actually familiar with. I hear the UK is equally as dark and gloomy as Seattle. 
 Needless to say- this was painful to finish. My curiosity is sated. I will not be continuing with the series.