This wasn't a thing I wanted. This wasn't particularly a thing anybody needed, I don't think. Yet it exists. It was touted early on as definitively not a prequel, though how could anybody think that with the title? Harry Potter and the Cursed Child who is Harry Himself? (While we're talking about incomprehensible things, what on EARTH does that cover art have to do with the story? Ten points to Gryffindor for the best explanation.) But you all know the drill--this is a sequel, beginning right at the moment of the much-contested epilogue in Deathly Hallows. 
 JK Rowling was very adamant that this could only exist as a play and I think she's right. Which means...that's a skosh problematic because this also exists as a book. I know this because it's sitting on my desk right now with the words "Special Rehearsal Edition Script" (a combination of words that means practically nothing) emblazoned in gold across the top. Sure, this lets everybody have a chance to experience the story, but why not release it as a two-night Fathom Events deal? Surely that would give fans a better glimpse into the story? The answer is that book sales make more money than a two-night movie theater event, but there's no reason why both couldn't happen. I'm sure there's more behind the business than I know, but it's the same problem I have with something as monumental as Hamilton not being shown across the world in a limited release. It's so big that I don't believe having more access to it would impact ticket sales on Broadway itself. I'm getting carried away. Back to the story... 
 ...So I didn't want this, but I still read it on the first day regardless of that fact. I felt weird about it before the release and reading it didn't do much to assuage those feelings. Here's my spoiler-free take and then I'll get into my specific story thoughts after the tag. 
 Like I initially said, this would be AMAZING to see on the stage. I'd go in a heartbeat. Everything is set up to be feat upon feat of incredible real-life wizardry. You get a bit of a sense of that from the book, but it's hard to do without being there. The necessary context, the specific line readings, the unspoken interactions between the cast--all of those things are missing from the script and it suffers for it. The story itself is being touted as fan fiction and that's not quite accurate. The problem is that fan fiction for Harry Potter has existed for nearly twenty years and therefore we've seen this all before. There's not a thing they could have done in a sequel, even the wildest AU, that would not have rang true to fic readers. And, well, Rowling and Thorne picked some of the most obvious stuff. Maybe it truly is what Rowling envisioned for her story. So did a bunch of other people! 
 Jack Thorne is clearly a gifted playwright and I wish we had a bit more info into the collaborative process between him and Rowling. Her marks are evident so the places where it falls short seem much more glaring. Most of the character interactions are sound, but some are transcendent and a few are downright wrong. There's one great bit where Harry is quoting Dumbledore and Ginny says, "That's a strange thing to say to a child." Because--yeah--it kinda is. I know that's Dumbledore's whole deal, but to see it validated on page by the character who would most likely say it was fantastic. Then there are the new characters--Albus is a fine sacrifice to the idea of "What would it be like to be raised by Harry Potter?" and Scorpius, Draco Malfoy's boy, is far and away the best thing to come out of this debacle. He's lovely and nerdy and I want to hug his guts out. 
 Should you read it? Maybe, but you certainly don't have to. Should you see it on stage? Yes, yes, go right now. 
 Okay, friends, here there be spoilers. (And maybe a few swears.) You've been warned. If you want to talk in the comments, tag your spoilers accordingly. 
 (view spoiler)[Alright, let's get this out of the way. It's a f*cking time travel story? What the hell? We did that already in Prisoner of Azkaban and it worked out great. I was so disappointed when I figured out what they were trying to do. That being said, some of the alternate universe characters were great. I love that Hermione is a badass in every single incarnation of herself. And how much do I want more of the Mad Max-esque future with punk Hermione and rogue Snape? Sooooo much. 
 A few more character thoughts: I really loved that we got to see Harry be a bad father. That rings 100% true for me. I don't buy for a single second that Albus and Scorpius have crushes on other girls because they are so clearly in love with each other. Forget Drarry or SnowBaz...send me all of your Albus/Scorpius fics please and thank you. I saw the Delphi stuff coming from a mile away. Well, I knew she was evil. I didn't guess the Voldy's daughter thing only because it's hella dumb. Ron was terrible, but enough has been said in other reviews on that topic. Strongest possible co-sign. I really, really loved that Hermione was Minister for Magic. (Embarrassing confession: I could have sworn that it was Minister OF Magic all this time.) I never cared enough about Cedric to have that be the lynchpin for the entire plot. Of all of the returning characters, I was most delighted by Ludo Bagman and yeah, you can hate me for that. McGonagall was a close second, though. I didn't need a Dumbledore resolution but I guess Harry did and I can live with that. 
 I didn't cry much--only at the final resolution between Harry and Draco--but I do know exactly where I'd cry if I saw it on stage. That Hagrid scene? Oh man. I can only imagine. (hide spoiler)] 
 While we're on the topic of additions to the canon, I'm not that excited for the Fantastic Beasts movie, either. 
 Initial review: Oof. May change this rating later. One star? Five stars? I will say this--this would be AMAZING to see on stage. More TK.