Good afternoon. This is Wolf Blitzer from CNNaEUR(tm)s The Situation Room, the program that tries to make viewers think that youaEUR(tm)re seeing the busy hub of television journalism instead of admitting that despite our high-tech looking set and satellite feeds, youaEUR(tm)d probably learn more about whataEUR(tm)s actually going on in the world by looking out your window. 
 We turn our focus now to growing rumors that the U.S. Army is conducting secret medical experiments on American soil. The bizarre claims seem like something out of a Stephen King novel yet despite repeated denials by the Defense Department the stories continue to grow, and documents posted on WikiLeaks seem to support some of this. 
 Is this just an urban myth gaining popularity thanks to the internet, or is there something to these rumors? Joining me now via satellite from his office is Major John Smith, a spokesman from the United States Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases. Major, thanks for joining us. 
 Major John Smith: Thanks for having me. 
 Wolf Blitzer: So IaEUR(tm)m sure youaEUR(tm)re aware of these persistent stories circulating, Major. 
 MJS: *laughs* Yes, theyaEUR(tm)re keeping my office quite busy. 
 WB: And the ArmyaEUR(tm)s position is that theyaEUR(tm)re absolutely unfounded? 
 MJS: Of course. Frankly, Wolf, IaEUR(tm)m surprised we even have to bother discussing this. ItaEUR(tm)s obviously the work of internet hoaxsters. 
 WB: But what about the documentation thataEUR(tm)s leaked out? 
 MJS: They are clearly forgeries. Have you read this stuff? Secret bases on U.S. soil? Convicted felons recruited and used for guinea pigs for drug trials to extend human life? Vampire-like creatures that have some kind of telepathic connection and cause bad dreams? I think someone just posted an old X-Files script. I find it sad that Americans are wasting time on this nonsense. 
 WB: It does seem outlandish, but letaEUR(tm)s talk a few specifics. The documents mention a Project Noah that the USAMRIID is running. And there are line items in the USAMRIID budget for a Project Noah for a significant amount of money. 
 MJS: I can confirm that there is a Project Noah, and while itaEUR(tm)s top-secret, I have been authorized to disclose that it involves research into cutting edge medical technologies that could be used to save more lives on the battlefield. ThataEUR(tm)s all I can say about it. But itaEUR(tm)s obvious that these conspiracy theorists just took a real project name and used it for their own purposes. 
 WB: So there never was a research team funded by USAMRIID that was slaughtered in the jungles of Central America while seeking a virus sample that could greatly boost human healing abilities? 
 MJS: Of course not. Unfortunately, we did have a team in that area that was researching a botany project, and they did sustain casualties after accidentally coming across some local drug runners, but thataEUR(tm)s all it was. 
 WB: And the USAMRID does not have government agents recruiting death row prisoners to be the subjects of experimental drug trials? 
 MJS: Again, thataEUR(tm)s ridiculous. 
 WB: So where have these prisoners gone, Major? 
 MJS: Considering they were death row inmates, I think itaEUR(tm)s safe to say they got executed. 
 WB: I assume youaEUR(tm)ll also deny the existence of this secret lab, hidden somewhere underground in the Rocky Mountains? 
 MJS: Absolutely. 
 WB: What about reports from Telluride, Colorado, of citizens having the same nightmares and behaving strangely? 
 MJS: Complete nonsense. IaEUR(tm)m based in Telluride myself, and I sleep just fine. 
 WB: One last question, Major. A new wave of rumors regarding a small girl in Memphis being abducted by government agents have begun circulating today. Any comment? 
 MJS: The idea that the US Army had anything to do with abducting children is absurd, Wolf. Think about these stories. Does it really seem possible that the U.S. government has a secret base in Colorado where weaEUR(tm)re experimenting with a virus on convicts and small children that turns them into some kind of Dracula-type creature with the ability to invade dreams and brainwash people. Seriously, whataEUR(tm)s next? IaEUR(tm)m sure the people who believe that will tell you that itaEUR(tm)s inevitable that some kind of accident will unleash the virus on an unsuspecting public, and that the country will be consumed by a plague of these creatures until civilization is completely destroyed. And then what? Maybe a small handful of survivors will manage to establish a safe zone and a new type of society? Oh, and a couple of generations down the line, like a hundred years from now, a few of these survivors will embark on an odyssey to find the truth in a post-apocalyptic landscape? Does that really seem likely, Wolf? 
 WB: *chuckles* When you put it that way, Major, it does seem pretty far fetchedaEUR|. 
 (Crashing noises and screams are heard.) 
 WB: Major, whataEUR(tm)s happened? Are you alright? 
 MJS: Ugh.. IaEUR(tm)m perfectlyaEUR|ArraEUR| fine, Wolf. Ow! Just..uhaEUR| just dropped a glass. Arrgh.. 
 WM: Major, I donaEUR(tm)t mean to argue with you, but it seems like some kind of horrible vampire-like creature has just burst into your office and is biting you. 
 MJS: ThataEUR(tm)saEUR|UHHaEUR|totally ridiculousaEUR|. Oh, shit!aEUR|. OwaEUR| This is aEUR| arrraEUR| my assistantaEUR|. EH!.. He just hasaEUR|.owwww.. low blood sugar. ArrrghhaEUR| 
 WB: Well, youaEUR(tm)re obviously busy, Major. WeaEUR(tm)ll let you go now. Thanks for your time. 
 MJS: My plesuraEUR| OWWWW!aEUR| HOLY JESUS SOMEBODY SHOOT THIS GODDAMNaEUR|.. 
 WB: It appears we lost the link. So did we just see a US Army officer get his face gnawed off by a vampire-like creature that he had just finished denying the existence of? Or is this just another internet hoax? We may never know. Up next, global warming critics continue to say that the whole thing is a liberal lie.