The conventional wisdom is that bagels should be sliced in half horizontally, then eaten. Even popular bagel practices like toasting and the bagel sandwich are up for debate. This is why so many people on Twitter found the following tweet so disturbing. Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz — Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019 This bagel spread — which appears to be from bagel crime purveyor Panera Bread — is essentially many pieces of bread made of bagel flesh. They still taste good, probably, because they are made of bagel, which is a good substance. However, slicing a bagel into bread-like slices means that you're likely to end up with two mini-slices — tiny discs! — that remain once you've cut all the slices on either side of the bagel's hole. Who is supposed to eat these? Are you supposed to take a mini-disc in addition to your slice of bagel? How many slices of bagel is each person supposed to have, anyway? Why not simply slice the bagels in half? It is all extremely upsetting. okay i live in St. louis and would like to clarify that we are not ALL sociopaths — pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) March 27, 2019 This feels like something that should get a person sent to Gitmo — Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) March 27, 2019 it's like a crime scene — Sam Cohen (@cohenss) March 27, 2019 It should be noted that the bread-slicing practice does have a few supporters — including, apparently, half the team at Panera HQ. It's true, we suppose, that if you're looking for a high toppings-to-bagel ratio, a thin bagel "toast" would provide the base on which to fulfill your sick dreams. Our team is divided over here. Do other people slice their bagel Bread Co style? https://t.co/NbdZjj6G6C — Panera Bread (@panerabread) March 27, 2019 But the beauty of a bagel is in its crunchy, then impossibly chewy bite. When sliced like bread, this pleasure is gone forever. (Perhaps this is a moot point, though: Panera bagels are not known for being particularly crunchy or chewy.) We have reached out to Panera Bread for further comment on this egregious slicing practice and will update if we hear back. UPDATE: March 27, 2019, 1:57 p.m. ET A spokesperson for Panera Bread confirmed via email that while they're not sure how popular this particular slicing practice is, they'll slice a box of bagels "however you like." FYI if you want bagel toast!<doc-sep>You know, the Jewish American breakfast staple with a slice right down the middle, often topped with lox and cream cheese. Yum! Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! A style of slicing bagels as you would a loaf of bread — aka bread-sliced — has caused OUTRAGE among a lot of people this week. (Ok, so not real outrage, but, like, bread outrage.) The drama all started when Alek Krautmann, a St. Louis native and employee of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, tweeted a photo Monday of a box of Panera bagels looking like they’d gone through a paper shredder. “Today I introduced my coworkers to the St. Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced,” he tweeted. “It was a hit!” Here’s one we recreated ourselves with a knife (not a fancy slicer) so you can see this mess in all its glory:<doc-sep>Though there are a lot of ways to enjoy bagels, there has been one conventionally accepted way to slice them ... until now. Enter the good people of St. Louis who, apparently, don't really know how to eat bagels. Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz — Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019 On Wednesday, Twitter user @AlekKrautmann sparked a fiery debate when he shared a photo of two boxes of bagels from Panera Bread that had been pre-sliced, not horizontally, but vertically ... like tiny loaves of bread. Sad, sad bread. "Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced," he posted. "It was a hit!" But it was most certainly not a hit across social media as thousands of people have since weighed in and many are very, very upset. I work in a bakery that makes bread & bagels every morning.... If someone asked me to "bread slice" bagels I'd refuse service. I have standards and a healthy respect for bagels. — Str8OuttaSKAtland (@titty_tornado) March 27, 2019 you should be ashamed of yourself — Blake News (@blakehounshell) March 27, 2019 While the picture may have sparked ire among bagel lovers everywhere, apparently it really is a thing to mutilate bagels if you're from The Gateway to the West. "Slicing bagels like bread is a well-known secret in St. Louis," Sara Burnett, Panera's director of wellness, told TODAY Food. Burnett has lived in the St. Louis area (where Panera Bread is headquartered) for 15 years. She said that customers anywhere in the country can order their bagels sliced "St.Louis style" (no thanks) and added that it's a great way to try different bagel-and-cream cheese combinations in one sitting. OK, that's fair. But not everyone in St. Louis is a fan of bread-slicing bagels. George Mahe, the dining editor at St. Louis Magazine, refers to this method of slicing a bagel as an "atrocity." "Vertical slicing is a relatively new phenom, to the best of my knowledge, seemingly popularized by the folks at Panera," Mahe told TODAY via email. "We see a lot of bagels in our office and none are sliced that way. But, I must admit, people do tend to hack away at them, leaving only shards and scraps for the latecomers, so ... I see the genesis of all this." Though not a fan, Mahe admitted that this phenomenon may have rather innocent roots. "Rumor has it that some time ago, a local mom requested a bagel sliced that way to make it easier for her child to eat," said Mahe. Admittedly, slicing the bagels into a chip-like shape would certainly make it easier for a little hand to grab. According to St. Louis resident Sarah Osborn Blue, who is now a pastry chef at Niche Food Group, slicing bagels like bread should really be examined as a totally different way of enjoying the bagel since it's meant to be dipped, and not slathered, in cream cheese. Growing up, she said, it was very common to see bagels sliced like bread in her hometown. However, she warned, this should never be done with a toasted bagel. “I have no idea of a person [who] started this trend but, honestly, I think it might be one of the original St. Louis Bread Co. [which is now Panera] staff. I just know at 32, I have known that at Bread Co. you order your bagel bread sliced. It's just what you do,” said Blue. Though Burnett wouldn't confirm whether a Panera employee had started the slicing trend years ago, the company is having a field day with the attention: Our team is divided over here. Do other people slice their bagel Bread Co style? https://t.co/NbdZjj6G6C — Panera Bread (@panerabread) March 27, 2019 Whether these bread-sliced bagels are a novel St. Louis tradition or not, Twitter (and pretty much everyone in America who doesn't live in Missouri) is not happy about this "secret" revelation: This is the regional food equivalent of taking the meat off St. Louis ribs and grinding it up into burger patties. — Matt Tyson (@tysonfilm) March 27, 2019 okay i live in St. louis and would like to clarify that we are not ALL sociopaths — pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) March 27, 2019 First, cinnamon raisin bagels with lox and now this. What's next in the war on bagels?<doc-sep>This is wrong — any way you slice it. A highly offensive photo of bagels, sliced as though they were loaves of bread, is spreading controversy across the internet. The man behind this crumby outrage, Alek Krautmann, says the serving style is a St. Louis specialty and even claims, dubiously, that people love it. “Today I introduced my coworkers to the St. Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced,” tweeted Krautmann, along with a picture of the abominable bagels from a Panera Bread in St. Louis. “It was a hit,” he promised. But over in New York, people were calling the sideways slicing a schmear campaign against a Big Apple classic. “On behalf of the New York Delegation: St. Louis, fuhgeddaboudit,” quipped Senator Chuck Schumer. The general manager of New York bagel staple Zabar’s for over 40 years, Scott, was also in complete shock. “I just have to say… ‘Why? '” he told The post. “That’s bizarre… I’ve never seen it done and I don’t know the purpose of it. If someone asked for that, they’d be looked at like they were from another country.” The bagel monstrosity also boiled the blood of everyone from NYPD Chief of Detective Dermot Shea to Councilman Justin Brannan. “Thank you for reporting this crime, but we only serve New York City, where this would NEVER happen,” Shea tweeted. The hatched-up bagel job should be made a Class A Felony in the Big Apple, added Brannan. Meanwhile, some people pointed out the connection between Panera’s history of Nazi ties — the company’s founding family had links to the Third Reich — and the way they’re willing to carve up bagels. “This is anti-Semitism,” tweeted professional skier Gus Kenworthy. Added the user @OhNoSheTwint: “I’m reporting you to my rabbi.” Comedy Central writer @TimDuffy added, “This is duck food.” When asked for comment, Panera claimed that “[bread] slicing bagels is a well-known secret in St. Louis,” and it even replied to Krautmann’s tweet by tweeting: “Hey Alek, next time bagels are on us, sliced however you’d like. 😉 Can you DM us?” However, some St. Louis residents joined in on the outrage — promising they’d never treat the delicacy that way. “I’m from St. Louis and I’ve never seen a carb treated so callously! How dare you sir!” tweeted @CIAspygirl.<doc-sep>
For, by my count, the third time in the past year, bagels have found themselves in hot water. Metaphorically hot water, that is—separate from the boiling water necessary to cook them. First, everyone freaked out about Cynthia Nixon’s bagel order when Nixon was running for governor of New York as a bagel libertarian. Then, we fought the great bagel emoji wars. And now? Pandemonium over the notion of slicing bagels like bread. Not slicing bagels in half, mind you. Twitter user Alek Krautmann is responsible for lighting this particular dumpster fire. A few days ago, he posted a photo picturing two boxes of bagels sliced vertically, like a loaf of bread, calling it a St. Louis secret. Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz — Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019 Sides were drawn quickly. Some declared the slicing a travesty, a culinary affront, “anti-Semitism.” Others found it innovative and, well, a pretty sensible method of portion control. As of Wednesday afternoon, the entire city of St. Louis was trending. One of my favorite responses came from the Twitter account Bagel Crimes, which stopped short of calling the slicing a war crime only because this week the owners of Einstein Bros. Bagels “were exposed for literal war crimes.” WHAT'S UP BAGEL CRIMINAL? HERE WE GO, A THREAD https://t.co/CqsDvkD9XY — Bagel Crimes (@BagelCrimes) March 27, 2019 Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis PBJ pic.twitter.com/yEkBusJx6G — Haver of opinion’s (@HaverOfOpinions) March 27, 2019 Those in favor of extreme bagel-slicing have put forth their best arguments. Some have trouble choosing between varieties of bagels, so this would allow them to enjoy more than one during a single breakfast—no more pitting everything against cinnamon raisin. Also, slicing might enable some people to eat bagels without feeling like they have to finish them if they’re trying to eat healthier (or trying not fall asleep after breakfast)—bagels are, after all, quite a lot of bread in the morning. Then there’s a geometry-based case for slicing: It increases the surface area of the bagel, allowing for more toppings. It also apparently works really well with more dessert-y types of bagels. I take no pleasure in reporting that this is all wrong. A bagel’s shape is its defining quality. Biting into a mass of doughy bread is one of the chief pleasures of eating a bagel, or really anything. Slicing one up into croutons strips away everything that makes a bagel a bagel. If what you want is sliced bread, buy sliced bread. It’s fine to take half a bagel, pie chart–style, or even a quarter, but to cut it up like this is mutilation. BuzzFeed reported that St. Louis–area Paneras are equipped with special automatic bread slicers for this purpose. Extra machinery seems like an awful lot of trouble to enable this treason—why make a food in one distinctive shape only to dismantle it? It goes against nature. And that’s true any way you slice it. Except don’t slice it.