Bruce Willis speaks onstage at the Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis at Hollywood Palladium. Photo: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images The Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis taping kicked off Saturday evening at the Hollywood Palladium theater with host Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who starred with Willis in 2012 sci-fi thriller Looper. “What a career: The Fifth Element, The Sixth Sense, The Whole Nine Yards, Twelve Monkeys, zero Oscars,” Levitt began. Referring to the guest of honor’s 1998 divorce from actress Demi Moore, he assured Willis, “We want you to have a good time tonight. But don’t get too comfortable up here, because later we’re going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher.” The Bruce Willis roast airs July 29 on Comedy Central. Among the unedited highlights: Jeff Ross arrives at Comedy Central’s Roast of Bruce Willis. Photo: Nick Scown 1. Friars Club Roastmaster General Jeff Ross, a veteran of 13 prior Comedy Central roasts, arrived on the red carpet in full Kim Jong-un regalia with an entourage including a Kim Jong-un Mini-Me, two sexy militant attachés, and — as a nod to Willis film Pulp Fiction — his comedian cousin Ed Larson decked out in full bondage-gimp gear. 2. Nikki Glaser, a standout at 2016’s Roast of Rob Lowe, set a high bar up top, ribbing the evening’s host network: “Comedy Central has been so cool. They’re like, ‘You can say whatever you want … just obviously not the n-word: Netflix.’” As the industry laughter died down, she continued, “Is this going to be on Netflix? I want people to see it.” Glaser also added a current events twist when she thanked Martha Stewart for joining the dais, saying, “Seriously, congratulations on getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina … and into your sweatshops.” 3. Moonlighting actress Cybill Shepherd, whom Levitt noted “has the distinction of being the first actress to hate working with Bruce Willis,” brought a southern drawl and political stance to the proceedings, telling Get Out actor Lil Rel Howery, “I’m glad you’re here, because I’ve been meaning to apologize for calling the police about your barbecue.” Praising Willis’s Moonrise Kingdom co-star Edward Norton, Shepherd noted, “I still think you should have won the Academy Award for playing a neo-Nazi in American History X. If you had done that movie today you would have not only gotten an Oscar, you would get a cabinet position in the White House.” 4. Norton, “slumming it” on Willis’s behalf, eschewed traditional jokes in favor of “a deep dissection of how a fucking bartender from New Jersey became such a big titty of a global movie star.” His backhanded career analysis wondered how he, a highly respected master of the craft, could be more like Willis, who makes millions cocking an eyebrow and saying “some cryptic shit that literally not one person in the room understands and have everyone laugh their asses off.” “Can I say things like, ‘The #MeToo movement is ruining natural sexual dynamics,’ while I’m wearing a Make America Great Again hat and then go blow up a helicopter of Mexican extras dressed up as Middle Eastern terrorists, call that a twofer, and still have a bunch of liberal Hollywood agents call my agent the next morning and say they want to be in the Edward Norton business?” he asked. “I most definitely cannot.” 5. Ex-con Martha Stewart, whom Levitt claimed “worked her way through college as a model posing for cigarette ads and Michelangelo,” demurely proved Comedy Central correct in inviting her as a return roaster. She fearlessly bombarded the professional comedians present, suggesting Christopher Walken impersonator Kevin Pollak “take some of my Martha Stewart anti-aging cream and rub it vigorously into your act” and expressing disdain for flamboyant purple suits: “There are so many celebrities here tonight: men from movies, women from TV, and Lil Rel from, I’m guessing … the California Raisins?” Demi Moore onstage at Comedy Central’s Roast of Bruce Willis. Photo: Julie Seabaugh 6. Where 2012’s Roast of Roseanne included a surprise appearance by Tom Arnold, Willis was surprised by a smoking-hot Demi Moore, who kept daughters Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah doubled over at an audience table below. The G.I. Jane actress earned a standing ovation by hinting that Willis slept with Harvey Weinstein to secure Pulp Fiction and blaming the demise of their marriage on Willis’s jealousy: “I just think Bruce never really got over the fact that I rocked the bald look better than he did. After our divorce he said that he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure. But Bruce, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve had much bigger failures. I mean, Planet Hollywood, Hudson Hawk, Striking Distance, campaigning for Michael Dukakis, turning down Clooney’s role in Ocean’s 11 so you could focus on playing the harmonica …” 7. In the past, sports heroes Shaquille O’Neal and Peyton Manning fit in at respective roasts of Justin Bieber and James Franco. Not so for Willis. A questionably literate Dennis Rodman seemed befuddled by his teleprompter and oblivious about speaking directly into the microphone. For a painful 12 minutes he struggled with pronunciation, repeatedly flubbed lines, required numerous do-overs, and at one point stepped back to sniffle faux (?) tears over his admiration (?) for Willis. The audience grew restless and let loose a few boos when he brought up his affinity for North Korea’s dictator, telling Willis, “You keep making these bomb movies like Kim, but at least he is smart enough not to release his.” Bruce Willis onstage at Comedy Central’s Roast of Bruce Willis. Photo: Julie Seabaugh 8. After Ross dependably mopped up after Rodman with a barrage of one-liners including, “Bruce Willis looks like Elmer Fudd if he hunted shitty scripts instead of wascally wabbits,” Willis had his final say, declaring once and for all that “Die Hard is not a Christmas movie!” He then whipped out a harmonica and led a surprisingly vigorous dance party as the crowd filed out to an after-party featuring pizza donuts and a shirtless, bald aerial acrobat dangling from a Die Hard–esque tower.<doc-sep>Bruce Willis got the Roast treatment from Comedy Central this weekend with numerous celebrities from the Die Hard star's past - including ex-wife Demi Moore - taking the microphone to throw a few putdowns his way. The actor's Looper co-star Joseph Gordon-Levitt led the evening which saw participation from comedians Nikki Glaser and Jeff Ross as well as Moonlighting's Cybill Shepherd. These figures tore into the actor as his daughters Rumer, Tallulah and Scout, as well as new wife Emma Henning, watched on in hysterics. Below is a selection of the best putdowns dealt out to Willis during the Comedy Central special. “Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson” - Joseph Gordon-Levitt “I look at our marriage like The Sixth Sense - you were dead the whole time" - Demi Moore “Bruce, we're going to have a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable because later we're going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher” - Joseph Gordon-Levitt “Hollywood wouldn’t be Hollywood if they didn’t reward a man for ageing into mediocrity” - Cybill Shepherd. “I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three Die Hard movies, which makes sense because the last two sucked” - Demi Moore “I met Rumer. I guess that’s the name you give when you’re not 100 percent sure who the dad is” - Ross “Our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, considering two of them are half Bruce Willis” - Demi Moore Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments Show all 11 1 /11 Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments bruce.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments o-SERBIAN-PRIME-MINISTER-IVICA-DAI-570.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments 51890537.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments 107985826.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments 99850824.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments buzzcockz_3.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments 2662516.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments 83846727.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments 75655169.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments deayton.jpg Bruce Willis' apology for being boring is nothing: the most awkward TV interview moments bbc.jpg “People wondered why our marriage came to an end. I think it's because some jealousy started to creep in... Bruce never got over the fact that I rocked the bald look better than he did”- Demi Moore “Bruce can play anyone from an a**hole cop to an a**hole ex-cop” - Joseph Gordon-Levitt “I can’t wait to see your next project, Die Hard 6: Natural Causes” - Ross Willis, in good spirit, graced the staged at the end, reserving his own biggest putdown for Gordon-Levitt, quipping: “Joseph played a younger me in Looper. He couldn’t pull it off. There is one actor who successfully played me. It was Demi Moore.”<doc-sep>As the focus of this year’s Comedy Central Roast, Bruce Willis was hit with repeated jabs about his age, his marriage, his Planet Hollywood business venture, his side music career and his recent string of less-than-spectacular films — and most of them came from the surprise appearance of ex-wife Demi Moore. Saying that she was “married to Bruce for the first three ‘Die Hard’ movies, which makes sense because the last two sucked,” Moore served as an impromptu roaster as she recounted memories of raising their three daughters, who were also in attendance, together. “People wonder why our marriage came to an end, and in all honesty I think it was because some jealousy started to creep in. I think Bruce never really got over the fact that I rocked the bald look better than he did,” Moore joked. “After our divorce, he said he considered the end of our marriage his biggest failure, but Bruce, don’t be so hard on yourself, you’ve had much bigger failures. I mean Planet Hollywood, ‘Hudson Hawk,’ ‘Striking Distance,’ campaigning for Michael Dukakis, turning down Clooney’s role in ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ to focus on playing the harmonica?” On a more sentimental note, the actress, who was married to Willis for 12 years, said their marriage included “some of the best times of my life,” praising him as “easily one of my top three husbands.” After the roast, Willis told reporters her performance was “terrific…very surprising and very cool,” and he was just as shocked as the audience about her appearance. The roast, recorded Saturday at the Hollywood Palladium, was led by Roast Master Joseph Gordon-Levitt, along with an assorted group of roasters, including Edward Norton, Cybill Shepherd, Jeff Ross, Martha Stewart, Lil Rel Howery, Dennis Rodman, Kevin Pollak, Nikki Glaser and Dom Irrera. Although still packed with burns on Willis and jokes against Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein, the roast was more gentle and loving than most, with essentially all of the participants speaking on what the actor has meant to them. Gordon-Levitt, who played a younger version of Willis in their film “Looper,” told Variety that Willis asked him personally to host, and when prepping the material he “worked with the writers and said yes sometimes, said no a lot more.” “I was like ‘That’s not funny, that’s not funny, that’s not funny, that’s pretty funny.’ We’re just trying to make each other laugh, I actually think that there’s something cool about being able to laugh at yourself, not take things too seriously and I think it can be sort of cathartic,” Gordon-Levitt said. Norton and Shepherd walked away as the big winners of the night, with Norton’s bit focusing on how his and Willis’ careers have differed, questioning, “You get away with everything. Can I cock my eye and say some cryptic s— that literally not one person in the room understands and have everyone laugh their asses off? I cannot.” After continually trying to understand Willis’ success (joking it was somehow in spite of poor scripts and repeatedly doing the same type of film), Norton reflected on working with him on a recent movie, saying, “I love you, or maybe I’m a very good actor and I’m just acting when I say that. You wouldn’t know the difference, and that’s the reason I love you.” Shepherd, who starred alongside “Moonlighting” with Willis and infamously fought with the actor on the project, said she hadn’t spoken to him in three decades but still agreed to be a roaster. “Our characters on ‘Moonlighting’ weren’t much of a stretch,” she said. “I played a former model, which I was, and he played an a–hole, which he is… I know we haven’t had a conversation in 30 years but we’ll always have something more important: residuals.” Rodman, who attempted a pro-North Korea joke, was booed on stage, and Ross, who is also a co-executive producer on the show, arrived at the event dressed as Kim Jong-Un. After the taping, Ross said he “felt like this was a classier roast than we normally do. I thought it was pretty classy, he’s a movie star we classed it up with tuxedos and Martha Stewart.” When it came for his time to speak on stage, Willis said, “If you’re a fan of Bruce Willis movies and I know you are, then you know how this works. I get the s— beat out of me for about an hour and a half, and then at the end I come back and whip everybody’s a–,” proceeding to roast his roasters. He ended by clarifying why he subjected himself to be the subject of a roast, which he said was to settle something once and for all: “‘Die Hard’ is not a Christmas movie. It’s a god damn Bruce Willis movie!” Following the event, Willis teased that he “thought I dislocated my jaw because I was laughing so hard.” Bruce Willis closes out #BruceWillisRoast with a harmonica solo pic.twitter.com/BrzPQM0dhk — Kirsten Chuba (@KirstenChuba) July 15, 2018 The “Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis” airs on the network July 29 at 10 p.m.<doc-sep>
HOLLYWOOD – Bruce Willis may have survived plenty of onscreen explosions, but on Saturday night, he got through a different kind of scorcher: a celebrity roast. Indeed, Willis felt the heat on topics ranging from his one-note acting range, lack of hair, love life and music career. They didn't hold back. "They" were a diverse batch of roasters, ranging from roast master Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who co-starred with Willis in "Looper") and Dennis Rodman to Martha Stewart and Willis' ex-wife Demi Moore (who made a surprise appearance). Here are some of the best (publishable) jokes from the evening: "Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson," Gordon-Levitt said. Gordon-Levitt again, this time about Willis' divorce: "Bruce, we're going to have a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable because later we're going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher." "This is a real personal moment for me, to be here roasting my dead cousin's second-favorite action star," said comic Nikki Glaser. "You had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding." Another dig from Glaser: "Bruce has been very active with the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which is where they make sick kids meet you so dying doesn't seem so terrible." More:30 pop-culture references that prove 'Die Hard' is as awesome as ever, 30 years later Related:Terribly timed ‘Death Wish’ and Bruce Willis do their best shooting for the NRA "If you wanted to be humiliated, clearly we both know you could've just released another singing album," said actor Kevin Pollak, who was in "Hostage" with Willis. "Some of you may not know because he bought every copy, but Bruce released a R&B LP back in the '80s. I did some research to find out whose idea this album was. Turns out, it was his manager. And by his 'manager,' I mean cocaine." "Hollywood wouldn’t be Hollywood if they didn’t reward a man for aging into mediocrity," said Willis' "Moonlighting" co-star Cybill Shepherd. Roast regular Jeff Ross had the best version of a popular joke about the twist ending in Willis' "The Sixth Sense": "Bruce Willis used to be a big action star. Now when you look in the mirror, you see dead people. I hope this roast doesn't end with you realizing your career was dead the entire time." And Moore had a few solid jabs: "I was married to Bruce Willis for the first three 'Die Hard' movies, which makes sense, because the last two sucked," she said. And then: "Our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted, considering two of them are half Bruce Willis." Finally: "People wondered why our marriage came to an end. I think it's because some jealousy started to creep in. ... Bruce never got over the fact that I rocked the bald look better than he did." Did the movie star have anything to say after taping the three-hour verbal assault (which Comedy Central airs on July 29)? "My head is my head, that’s all," a smiling Willis told reporters after the show ended. "It cannot be fixed. This is it." If you love television and love talking about it even more, USA TODAY Life’s Yes, I'm Still Watching is here for you. Join our Facebook group to discuss all things TV with our critic Kelly Lawler.