Dear _Yorick_, said my father, smiling (for _Yorick_ had broke his rank with my uncle _Toby_ in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stept first into the parlour)--this _Tristram_ of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites. --Never was the son of _Jew_, _Christian_, _Turk_, or _Infidel_ initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner. --But he is no worse, I trust, said _Yorick_. --There has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed. --That, you are a better judge of than I, replied _Yorick_. --Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both: --the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry, --or the opposite of their ascendants have not hit it, as they should, --or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at _bo-peep_, --or something has been wrong above, or below with us.
'Tis possible, answered _Yorick_. --But is the child, cried my uncle _Toby_, the worse? --The _Troglodytes_ say not, replied my father. And your theologists, _Yorick_, tell us --Theologically? said _Yorick_, --or speaking after the manner of apothecaries?[5.3]--statesmen?[5.4]--or washer-women?[5.5]
----I'm not sure, replied my father, --but they tell us, brother _Toby_, he's the better for it. ----Provided, said _Yorick_, you travel him into _Egypt_. ----Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the _Pyramids_.----
Now every word of this, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is _Arabick_ to me. ----I wish, said _Yorick_, 'twas so, to half the world.
----ILUS,[5.6] continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning. --Not without a court martial? cried my uncle _Toby_. ----Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle _Toby's_ remark, but turning to _Yorick_, --are greatly divided still who _Ilus_ was; --some say _Saturn_; --some the Supreme Being; --others, no more than a brigadier general under _Pharaoh-neco_. ----Let him be who he will, said my uncle _Toby_, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.
The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it: --others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the greatest part of them. --But then again, our best polemic divines --I wish there was not a polemic divine, said _Yorick_, in the kingdom; --one ounce of practical divinity--is worth a painted ship-load of all their reverences have imported these fifty years. --Pray, Mr. _Yorick_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --do tell me what a polemic divine is? ----The best description, captain _Shandy_, I have ever read, is of a couple of 'em, replied _Yorick_, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt _Gymnast_ and captain _Tripet_; which I have in my pocket. ----I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle _Toby_ earnestly. --You shall, said _Yorick_. --And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door, --and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper, --I beg, brother, you'll give him leave to come in. --With all my soul, said my father. ----_Trim_ came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, _Yorick_ took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.
[Footnote 5.3: , , . --PHILO.]
[Footnote 5.4: , .]
[Footnote 5.5: . --BOCHART.]
[Footnote 5.6: , , ' . --SANCHUNIATHO.]
'Dear Yorick,' said my father, smiling (for Yorick had come into the parlour with my uncle Toby) - 'this Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by his religious rites. Never was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk or Infidel initiated into them in so slovenly a manner.'
'But he is none the worse, I trust,' said Yorick.
'There has certainly,' continued my father, 'been the devil and all to do in his stars, when this offspring of mine was made.'
'You are a better judge of that than I,' replied Yorick.
'Astrologers know better than us both,' quoth my father; 'the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry, or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep.'
''Tis possible,' answered Yorick.
'But is the child,' cried my uncle Toby, 'any the worse?'
'The Troglodytes say not,' replied my father. 'And your theologists, Yorick, tell us he's the better for it.'
'Provided,' said Yorick, 'you travel him into Egypt.'
'Of that,' answered my father, 'he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.'
'Now every word of this,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'is Arabic to me.'
'Ilus,' continued my father, 'circumcised his whole army one morning.'
'Not without a court martial?' cried my uncle.
'Though the learned,' continued my father, taking no notice of my uncle's remark, but turning to Yorick, 'are greatly divided as to who Ilus was; some say Saturn; some the Supreme Being; - others, no more than a brigadier general under the Pharaoh.'
'Whoever he was,' said my uncle Toby, 'I know not by what article of war he could justify it.'
'Historians,' answered my father, 'give two-and-twenty different reasons for it: - others have shown how futile most of these are. But then again, our best polemic divines-'
'I wish there was not a polemic divine in the kingdom,' said Yorick. 'One ounce of practical divinity is worth a painted ship-load of all that their reverences have imported these fifty years.'
'Pray, Mr. Yorick,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'do tell me what a polemic divine is?'
'The best description I have read, captain Shandy,' replied Yorick, 'is the account of a couple of 'em in the battle fought hand to hand betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I have in my pocket.'
'May I hear it?' asked my uncle Toby earnestly.
'You shall,' said Yorick.
'As the corporal is waiting for me at the door, and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper, I beg, brother, you'll let him come in.'
'With all my soul,' said my father.
Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.
Book 5 - Chapter 28