This I will endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable decency.
You must be informed then, that _Gastripheres_, who had taken a turn into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see how things went on--observing a wicker-basket of fine chesnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a hundred or two of them might be roasted and sent in, as soon as dinner was over---- _Gastripheres_ inforcing his orders about them, that _Didius_, but _Phutatorius_ especially, were particularly fond of 'em.
About two minutes before the time that my uncle _Toby_ interrupted _Yorick's_ harangue--_Gastripheres's_ chesnuts were brought in--and as _Phutatorius's_ fondness for 'em was uppermost in the waiter's head, he laid them directly before _Phutatorius_, wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin.
Now whether it was physically impossible, with half a dozen hands all thrust into the napkin at a time--but that some one chesnut, of more life and rotundity than the rest, must be put in motion--it so fell out, however, that one was actually sent rolling off the table; and as _Phutatorius_ sat straddling under----it fell perpendicularly into that particular aperture of _Phutatorius's_ breeches, for which, to the shame and indelicacy of our language be it spoke, there is no chaste word throughout all _Johnson's_ dictionary----let it suffice to say----it was that particular aperture which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum do strictly require, like the temple of _Janus_ (in peace at least) to be universally shut up.
The neglect of this punctilio in _Phutatorius_ (which by the bye should be a warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this accident.----
Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of speaking------but in no opposition to the opinion either of _Acrites_ or _Mythogeras_ in this matter; I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it--and are so to this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the whole event----but that the chesnut's taking that particular course and in a manner of its own accord--and then falling with all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no other----was a real judgment upon _Phutatorius_, for that filthy and obscene treatise _de Concubinis retinendis_, which _Phutatorius_ had published about twenty years ago----and was that identical week going to give the world a second edition of.
It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy----much undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of the question--all that concerns me as an historian, is to represent the matter of fact, and render it credible to the reader, that the hiatus in _Phutatorius's_ breeches was sufficiently wide to receive the chesnut; ----and that the chesnut, somehow or other, did fall perpendicularly and piping hot into it, without _Phutatorius's_ perceiving it, or any one else at that time.
The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for the first twenty or five-and-twenty seconds----and did no more than gently solicit _Phutatorius's_ attention towards the part: ------But the heat gradually increasing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain, the soul of _Phutatorius_, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalions of animal spirits, all tumultuously crowded down, through different defiles and circuits, to the place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as you may imagine, as empty as my purse.
With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him back, _Phutatorius_ was not able to dive into the secret of what was going forwards below, nor could he make any kind of conjecture, what the devil was the matter with it: However, as he knew not what the true cause might turn out, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoick; which, with the help of some wry faces and compursions of the mouth, he had certainly accomplished, had his imagination continued neuter; ----but the sallies of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this kind--a thought instantly darted into his mind, that tho' the anguish had the sensation of glowing heat--it might, notwithstanding that, be a bite as well as a burn; and if so, that possibly a _Newt_ or an _Asker_, or some such detested reptile, had crept up, and was fastening his teeth----the horrid idea of which, with a fresh glow of pain arising that instant from the chesnut, seized _Phutatorius_ with a sudden panick, and in the first terrifying disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it has done the best generals upon earth, quite off his guard: ----the effect of which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rose that interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with the aposiopestic break after it, marked thus, Z------ds--which, though not strictly canonical, was still as little as any man could have said upon the occasion; ------and which, by the bye, whether canonical or not, _Phutatorius_ could no more help than he could the cause of it.
Though this has taken up some time in the narrative, it took up little more time in the transaction, than just to allow for _Phutatorius_ to draw forth the chesnut, and throw it down with violence upon the floor--and for _Yorick_ to rise from his chair, and pick the chesnut up.

This I will try to explain with decency.
Gastripheres, who had wandered into the kitchen before dinner, to see how things went on - observing a wicker-basket of fine chestnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a hundred of them might be roasted and sent in after dinner, because Didius, and Phutatorius especially, were fond of 'em.
The chestnuts were brought in - and as Phutatorius's fondness for 'em was uppermost in the waiter's head, he laid them directly before Phutatorius, wrapped up hot in a clean damask napkin.
Now, one chestnut, of more life and rotundity than the rest, must have been put in motion - it was sent rolling off the table; and as Phutatorius sat straddled under - it fell straight into that particular opening of Phutatorius's breeches, for which there is no chaste word in Johnson's dictionary. Let it suffice to say - it was that opening which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum strictly require to be shut up.
Phutatorius's neglect of this rule had opened a door to this accident.
- Accident I call it; but Acrites and Mythogeras were both sure that there was no accident in it - but that the hot chestnut's falling directly into that particular place was a judgment upon Phutatorius, for his filthy treatise de Concubinis retinendis, which he had published about twenty years earlier, and was that week going to give the world a second edition of.
It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy - all that concerns me is the fact that the gap in Phutatorius's breeches was wide enough to receive the chestnut; which somehow or other fell piping hot into it, without anyone noticing.
The genial warmth of the chestnut was not unpleasant for the first twenty seconds or so - and did no more than gently call Phutatorius's attention to the part.
But the heat increasing speedily into the regions of pain, the soul of Phutatorius, together with his thoughts, attention and judgment, all tumultuously crowded down to the place of danger, leaving his upper regions as empty as my purse.
Phutatorius had no idea of what was going on below, nor could he make any guess what the devil was the matter. However, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was in, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoic; which, with the help of some wry faces, he had certainly accomplished.
But then the thought darted into his mind, that though the anguish felt like heat, it might just as likely be a bite as a burn; and that possibly some detested reptile had crept up, and was fastening its teeth in him - a horrid idea which seized Phutatorius with a sudden panic, and threw him quite off his guard.
The effect was that he leapt up, uttering that Z------ds - which was the least any man could have said upon the occasion.
Drawing forth the chestnut, he threw it down violently upon the floor - and Yorick picked it up.
