From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the _Shandy_ family----and it is from this point properly, that the story of my LIFE and my OPINIONS sets out. With all my hurry and precipitation, I have but been clearing the ground to raise the building----and such a building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as never was executed since _Adam_. In less than five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after it --I have but half a score things to do in the time ----I have a thing to name----a thing to lament----a thing to hope----a thing to promise, and a thing to threaten --I have a thing to suppose--a thing to declare----a thing to conceal----a thing to choose, and a thing to pray for ------This chapter, therefore, I _name_ the chapter of THINGS------and my next chapter to it, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall be my chapter upon WHISKERS, in order to keep up some sort of connection in my works.
The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards which I have all the way looked forwards, with so much earnest desire; and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle _Toby_, the events of which are of so singular a nature, and so Cervantick a cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same impressions to every other brain, which the occurrences themselves excite in my own --I will answer for it the book shall make its way in the world, much better than its master has done before it. ----Oh _Tristram!_ _Tristram!_ can this but be once brought about----the credit, which will attend thee as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a man----thou wilt feast upon the one----when thou hast lost all sense and remembrance of the other!----
No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amours --They are the choicest morsel of my whole story! and when I do get at 'em----assure yourselves, good folks--(nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takes offence at it) I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words! ----and that's the thing I have to _declare_. ------I shall never get all through in five minutes, that I fear----and the thing I _hope_ is, that your worships and reverences are not offended--if you are, depend upon't I'll give you something, my good gentry, next year to be offended at----that's my dear _Jenny's_ way--but who my _Jenny_ is--and which is the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be _concealed_--it shall be told you in the next chapter but one to my chapter of Button-holes----and not one chapter before.

From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the Shandy family - and it is from this point properly that the story of my Life and my Opinions begins. With all my hurry, I have merely been clearing the ground to raise the building - and such a building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned and executed since Adam.
In five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire, and my last drop of ink with it. I have ten things to do in that time - I have a thing to name - a thing to lament - a thing to hope - a thing to promise, and a thing to threaten - I have a thing to suppose - a thing to declare - a thing to conceal - a thing to choose, and a thing to pray for.
This chapter, therefore, I name the chapter of Things - and my next chapter, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, shall be my chapter upon Whiskers.
The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards which I have always looked forwards with earnest desire; and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle Toby, the events of which are of so singular and Cervantick a nature, that if I can manage to convey the same impressions to every other brain, which they excite in mine - my book shall make its way in the world much better than I have done.
Oh Tristram! Tristram! can this but be brought about - thy credit as an author shall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a man!
No wonder I itch so much to get at these amours. - They are the choicest morsel of my whole story! and when I do get at 'em - assure yourselves, good folks, I shall not be dainty in my choice of words! - that's the thing I have to declare.
I shall never get through them all in five minutes, I fear - and the thing I hope is, that your worships are not offended - if you are, depend upon it, I'll give you something next year to be offended at - that's my dear Jenny's way - but who my Jenny is, and which is the right and the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be concealed - it shall be told you in the next chapter but one after my chapter of Button-holes - and not one chapter before.
