This, he would say, look'd ill; --and had, moreover, this particular aggravation in it, viz., That when once a vile name was wrongfully or injudiciously given, 'twas not like the case of a man's character, which, when wrong'd, might hereafter be cleared; ----and, possibly, some time or other, if not in the man's life, at least after his death, --be, somehow or other, set to rights with the world: But the injury of this, he would say, could never be undone; --nay, he doubted even whether an act of parliament could reach it: ----He knew as well as you, that the legislature assumed a power over surnames; --but for very strong reasons, which he could give, it had never yet adventured, he would say, to go a step farther.
It was observable, that tho' my father, in consequence of this opinion, had, as I have told you, the strongest likings and dislikings towards certain names; --that there were still numbers of names which hung so equally in the balance before him, that they were absolutely indifferent to him. _Jack_, _Dick_, and _Tom_ were of this class: These my father called neutral names; --affirming of them, without a satire, That there had been as many knaves and fools, at least, as wise and good men, since the world began, who had indifferently borne them; --so that, like equal forces acting against each other in contrary directions, he thought they mutually destroyed each other's effects; for which reason, he would often declare, He would not give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them. _Bob_, which was my brother's name, was another of these neutral kinds of christian names, which operated very little either way; and as my father happen'd to be at _Epsom_, when it was given him, --he would oft-times thank Heaven it was no worse. _Andrew_ was something like a negative quantity in Algebra with him; --'twas worse, he said, than nothing. --_William_ stood pretty high: ----_Numps_ again was low with him: --and _Nick_, he said, was the DEVIL.
But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable aversion for TRISTRAM; --he had the lowest and most contemptible opinion of it of anything in the world, --thinking it could possibly produce nothing in _rerum natur_, but what was extremely mean and pitiful: So that in the midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye, he was frequently involved, ----he would sometimes break off in a sudden and spirited EPIPHONEMA, or rather EROTESIS, raised a third, and sometimes a full fifth above the key of the discourse, ----and demand it categorically of his antagonist, Whether he would take upon him to say, he had ever remembered, ----whether he had ever read, --or even whether he had ever heard tell of a man, called _Tristram_, performing anything great or worth recording? --No, --he would say, --TRISTRAM! --The thing is impossible.

He would say that once a vile name was injudiciously given, 'twas not like a man's reputation, which might be cleared. This injury could never be undone.
Because of this opinion, my father had the strongest likings and dislikings towards certain names. Some names were absolutely indifferent to him. Jack, Dick, and Tom were of this class: these my father called neutral names, saying that there had been many knaves and fools, as well as wise and good men, who had borne them; so that they cancelled each other out. He would not give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them.
Bob, my brother's name, was another of these neutral names; and as my father happened to be at Epsom when it was given him, he would often thank Heaven it was no worse. Andrew, he said, was less than nothing. William stood pretty high: Numps, or Humphrey, again was low with him: and Nick, he said, was the Devil.
But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable aversion for Tristram; he had the lowest opinion of it. So that in the midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye, he was frequently involved, he would sometimes break off and demand whether his antagonist had ever heard of a man called Tristram performing anything great or worth recording?
'No,' he would say, - 'TRISTRAM! - The thing is impossible.'
