In truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from the very first act of his begetting, ----down to the lean and slippered pantaloon in his second childishness, but he had some favourite notion to himself, springing out of it, as sceptical, and as far out of the highway of thinking, as these two which have been explained.

In truth, there was not a stage in the life of man, from his begetting to the lean and slippered pantaloon, that he did not have some favourite notion of, far out of the highway of thinking.


--Mr. _Shandy_, my father, Sir, would see nothing in the light in which others placed it; --he placed things in his own light; --he would weigh nothing in common scales; --no, he was too refined a researcher to lie open to so gross an imposition.

My father, Sir, saw nothing in the light in which others placed it; he placed things in his own light.


--To come at the exact weight of things in the scientific steel-yard, the fulcrum, he would say, should be almost invisible, to avoid all friction from popular tenets; --without this the minuti of philosophy, which would always turn the balance, will have no weight at all.


Knowledge, like matter, he would affirm, was divisible _in infinitum_; ----that the grains and scruples were as much a part of it, as the gravitation of the whole world.

Knowledge, like matter, he would affirm, was divisible into grains and scruples ad infinitum.


--In a word, he would say, error was error, --no matter where it fell, ----whether in a fraction, --or a pound, --'twas alike fatal to truth, and she was kept down at the bottom of her well, as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wings, ----as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars of heaven put together.

Error was error; no matter where it fell, 'twas fatal to truth, who was kept down at the bottom of her well as inevitably by a mistake in the dust of a butterfly's wings, as in the disk of the sun, the moon, and all the stars put together.


He would often lament that it was for want of considering this properly, and of applying it skilfully to civil matters, as well as to speculative truths, that so many things in this world were out of joint; ----that the political arch was giving way; ----and that the very foundations of our excellent constitution, in church and state, were so sapped as estimators had reported.

He would often lament that it was due to neglect of this truth, that so many things in this world were out of joint; - and that the foundations of our church and state were weakened.


You cry out, he would say, we are a ruined, undone people.


he would ask, making use of the sorites or syllogism of _Zeno_ and _Chrysippus_, without knowing it belonged to them.

he would ask, using the syllogism of Zeno and Chrysippus, without knowing it belonged to them.


--Whence is it, dear Sir, that we are corrupted?


----Because we are needy; ----our poverty, and not our wills, consent.


----And wherefore, he would add, are we needy?


--From the neglect, he would answer, of our pence and our halfpence: --Our bank notes, Sir, our guineas, --nay, our shillings take care of themselves.

From the neglect of our pence: our bank notes, Sir, take care of themselves.


'Tis the same, he would say, throughout the whole circle of the sciences; --the great, the established points of them, are not to be broke in upon. --The laws of nature will defend themselves; --but error----(he would add, looking earnestly at my mother)----error, Sir, creeps in thro' the minute holes and small crevices which human nature leaves unguarded.

''Tis the same,' he would say, 'throughout all the sciences; the great points are not to be broke in upon - the laws of nature will defend themselves - but error' (he would add, looking earnestly at my mother) - 'error creeps in through the minute holes and crevices which human nature leaves unguarded.'


This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you of: --The point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved for this place, is as follows.

This style of thinking in my father, is what I had to remind you of.
- The point you are to be informed of, and which I have reserved for this place, is as follows.


Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which my father had urged my mother to accept of Dr. _Slop's_ assistance preferably to that of the old woman, ----there was one of a very singular nature; which, when he had done arguing the manner with her as a Christian, and came to argue it over again with her as a philosopher, he had put his whole strength to, depending indeed upon it as his sheet-anchor.

Amongst the many and excellent reasons, with which my father had urged my mother to accept Dr. Slop's assistance rather than the old woman's, there was one particular reason which he put his whole strength to.


----It failed him; tho' from no defect in the argument itself; but that, do what he could, he was not able for his soul to make her comprehend the drift of it.

- It failed because he could not make her comprehend its drift.


----said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walked out of the room, after he had been stating it for an hour and a half to her, to no manner of purpose; --cursed luck!

said he to himself, one afternoon, as he walked out of the room after arguing it for an hour and a half with her, to no purpose; 'Cursed luck!'


said he, biting his lip as he shut the door, ----for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in nature, --and have a wife at the same time with such a headpiece, that he cannot hang up a single inference within side of it, to save his soul from destruction.

said he, biting his lip, 'for a man to be master of one of the finest chains of reasoning in nature, and have a wife with such a head that he cannot make an impression on it, to save his soul.'


This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my mother, ----had more weight with him, than all his other arguments joined together: --I will therefore endeavour to do it justice, --and set it forth with all the perspicuity I am master of.

This argument, though it was entirely lost upon my mother, had more weight with him than all his other arguments together: I will therefore try to do it justice.


My father set out upon the strength of these two following axioms:


_First_, That an ounce of a man's own wit, was worth a ton of other people's; and,

First, that an ounce of a man's own wit was worth a ton of other people's.


_Secondly_ (Which by the bye, was the ground-work of the first axiom, ----tho' it comes last), That every man's wit must come from every man's own soul, ----and no other body's.

Secondly (which by the bye, was the basis of the first axiom, though it comes after), that every man's wit must come from his own soul, and no one else's.


Now, as it was plain to my father, that all souls were by nature equal, ----and that the great difference between the most acute and the most obtuse understanding----was from no original sharpness or bluntness of one thinking substance above or below another, ----but arose merely from the lucky or unlucky organisation of the body, in that part where the soul principally took up her residence, ----he had made it the subject of his enquiry to find out the identical place.

Now, it was plain to my father that all souls were equal, and that the difference between the most acute and the most obtuse understanding came not from any original sharpness or bluntness of one mind above or below another, but arose merely from the organisation of the body, in that part where the soul took up her residence. He had therefore researched exactly where that was.


Now, from the best accounts he had been able to get of this matter, he was satisfied it could not be where _Des Cartes_ had fixed it, upon the top of the _pineal_ gland of the brain; which, as he philosophized, formed a cushion for her about the size of a marrow pea; tho', to speak the truth, as so many nerves did terminate all in that one place, --'twas no bad conjecture; ----and my father had certainly fallen with that great philosopher plumb into the centre of the mistake, had it not been for my uncle _Toby_, who rescued him out of it, by a story he told him of a _Walloon_ officer at the battle of _Landen_, who had one part of his brain shot away by a musket-ball, --and another part of it taken out after by a _French_ surgeon; and after all, recovered, and did his duty very well without it.

From the best accounts he could find, he believed it could not be where Des Cartes had fixed it, upon the top of the pineal gland of the brain; though, to speak the truth, as so many nerves terminated in that place, 'twas no bad guess; and my father would have certainly agreed with that great philosopher, had it not been for my uncle Toby telling him a story of an officer at the battle of Landen, who had one part of his brain shot away by a musket-ball, and another part of it taken out by a French surgeon; and afterwards recovered, and did his duty very well without it.


If death, said my father, reasoning with himself, is nothing but the separation of the soul from the body; and if it is true that people can walk about and do their business without brains, --then certes the soul does not inhabit there.

If death, said my father, is nothing but the separation of the soul from the body; and if it is true that people can walk about and do their business without brains, then certainly the soul does not inhabit there.


As for that certain, very thin, subtle and very fragrant juice which _Coglionissimo Borri_, the great _Milanese_ physician affirms, in a letter to _Bartholine_, to have discovered in the cellul of the occipital parts of the cerebellum, and which he likewise affirms to be the principal seat of the reasonable soul (for, you must know, in these latter and more enlightened ages, there are two souls in every man living, --the one, according to the great _Metheglingius_, being called the _Animus_, the other, the _Anima_;)--as for the opinion, I say, of _Borri_, --my father could never subscribe to it by any means; the very idea of so noble, so refined, so immaterial, and so exalted a being as the _Anima_, or even the _Animus_, taking up her residence, and sitting dabbling, like a tadpole all day long, both summer and winter, in a puddle, ----or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or thin soever, he would say, shocked his imagination; he would scarce give the doctrine a hearing.

As for that thin, subtle and fragrant juice which Borri, the great Milanese physician, claims to have discovered in the cerebellum, and which he affirms to be the seat of the soul, my father could not subscribe to this theory by any means. The very idea of so noble and exalted a being as the soul residing there and sitting dabbling like a tadpole all day long, in a puddle, shocked him.


What, therefore, seemed the least liable to objections of any, was that the chief sensorium, or head-quarters of the soul, and to which place all intelligences were referred, and from whence all her mandates were issued, --was in, or near, the cerebellum, --or rather somewhere about the _medulla oblongata_, wherein it was generally agreed by _Dutch_ anatomists, that all the minute nerves from all the organs of the seven senses concentered, like streets and winding alleys, into a square.

What, therefore, seemed the most likely head-quarters of the soul, was somewhere about the medulla oblongata, where, it was generally agreed by Dutch anatomists, all the minute nerves from the organs converged, like streets and winding alleys into a square.


So far there was nothing singular in my father's opinion, --he had the best of philosophers, of all ages and climates, to go along with him.

So far there was nothing singular in my father's opinion.


----But here he took a road of his own, setting up another _Shandean_ hypothesis upon these corner-stones they had laid for him; ----and which said hypothesis equally stood its ground; whether the subtilty and fineness of the soul depended upon the temperature and clearness of the said liquor, or of the finer network and texture in the cerebellum itself; which opinion he favoured.

- But here he took a road of his own, setting up another Shandean hypothesis upon these corner-stones.


He maintained, that next to the due care to be taken in the act of propagation of each individual, which required all the thought in the world, as it laid the foundation of this incomprehensible contexture, in which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and what is usually meant by the name of good natural parts, do consist; --that next to this and his christian-name, which were the two original and most efficacious causes of all; ----that the third cause, or rather what logicians call the _Causa sine qu non_, and without which all that was done was of no manner of significance, ----was the preservation of this delicate and fine-spun web, from the havock which was generally made in it by the violent compression and crush which the head was made to undergo, by the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world by that foremost.

He maintained that next to the due care to be taken in the act of begetting each individual, and in naming him, the third aim of a parent was the preservation of this delicate and fine-spun web from the havoc which was generally made by the violent compression which the head was forced to undergo, by the nonsensical method of bringing us into the world head foremost.


My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon looking into _Lithopdus Senonesis de Partu difficili_,[2.1] published by _Adrianus Smelvgot_, had found out, that the lax and pliable state of a child's head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having no sutures at that time, was such, ----that by force of the woman's efforts, which, in strong labour-pains, was equal, upon an average, to the weight of 470 pounds averdupois acting perpendicularly upon it; --it so happened, that in 49 instances out of 50, the said head was compressed and moulded into the shape of an oblong conical piece of dough, such as a pastry-cook generally rolls up in order to make a pye of.

My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, upon looking into Smelvgot's Lithopdus Senonesis de Partu difficili had found out that the pliable state of a child's head at birth was such, that by force of the woman's efforts, which, in strong labour-pains, was equal, upon average, to the weight of 470 pounds acting perpendicularly upon it, - so it happened that in 49 cases out of 50, the child's head was compressed and moulded into the shape of a conical piece of dough, such as a pastry-cook rolls up to make a pie of.


cried my father, what havock and destruction must this make in the infinitely fine and tender texture of the cerebellum!

cried my father, 'what havoc and destruction must this cause in the fine and tender texture of the cerebellum!'


--Or if there is such a juice as _Borri_ pretends, --is it not enough to make the clearest liquid in the world both feculent and mothery?


But how great was his apprehension, when he farther understood, that this force acting upon the very vertex of the head, not only injured the brain itself, or cerebrum, --but that it necessarily squeezed and propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, which was the immediate seat of the understanding!

But how great was his apprehension, when he farther understood that this force squeezed and propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, which was the seat of understanding!


----Angels and ministers of grace defend us!


cried my father, ----can any soul withstand this shock?

cried my father, - 'can any soul withstand this shock?


--No wonder the intellectual web is so rent and tattered as we see it; and that so many of our best heads are no better than a puzzled skein of silk, ----all perplexity, ----all confusion within-side.

No wonder the intellectual web is so tattered; and that so many of our best heads are all perplexity and confusion within.'


But when my father read on, and was let into the secret, that when a child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and was extracted by the feet; --that instead of the cerebrum being propelled towards the cerebellum, the cerebellum, on the contrary, was propelled simply towards the cerebrum, where it could do no manner of hurt: ----By heavens!

But my father read on, and learned that when a child was turned topsy-turvy, which was easy for an operator to do, and was extracted by the feet; - that then the cerebellum was propelled simply towards the cerebrum, where it could do no harm.
'By heavens!'


cried he, the world is in conspiracy to drive out what little wit God has given us, ----and the professors of the obstetric art are lifted into the same conspiracy.

cried he, 'the world is in conspiracy to drive out what little wit God has given us.


--What is it to me which end of my son comes foremost into the world, provided all goes right after, and his cerebellum escapes uncrushed?

What is it to me which end of my son comes foremost into the world, provided his cerebellum escapes uncrushed?'


It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has conceived it, that it assimilates every thing to itself, as proper nourishment; and, from the first moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the stronger by every thing you see, hear, read, or understand.

It is the nature of an hypothesis, when once a man has created it, that it generally grows stronger with everything he hears or reads.


When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a phnomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve by it; --it accounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in the family.

When my father had held this hypothesis about a month, there was scarce a phenomenon of stupidity or genius which he could not readily solve by it; it accounted for his eldest son being the greatest blockhead in the family.


----Poor devil, he would say, --he made way for the capacity of his younger brothers.

'Poor devil,' he would say, 'he made way for the capacity of his younger brothers.'


----It unriddled the observations of drivellers and monstrous heads, ----shewing _ priori_, it could not be otherwise, ----unless **** I don't know what.


It wonderfully explained and accounted for the acumen of the _Asiatic_ genius, and that sprightlier turn, and a more penetrating intuition of minds, in warmer climates; not from the loose and common-place solution of a clearer sky, and a more perpetual sunshine, &c. --which for aught he knew, might as well rarefy and dilute the faculties of the soul into nothing, by one extreme, --as they are condensed in colder climates by the other; ----but he traced the affair up to its spring-head; --shewed that, in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairest parts of the creation; --their pleasures more; --the necessity of their pains less, insomuch that the pressure and resistance upon the vertex was so slight, that the whole organisation of the cerebellum was preserved; ----nay, he did not believe, in natural births, that so much as a single thread of the net-work was broke or displaced, ----so that the soul might just act as she liked.

It wonderfully explained the acumen of the Asiatic genius, and that sprightlier turn of minds in warmer climates; not from the common-place solution of a clearer sky, and more sunshine, &c; but he affirmed that in warmer climates, nature had laid a lighter tax upon the fairer sex, so that the pressure upon the head in childbirth was slight, the cerebellum was preserved, and the soul might act as it liked.


When my father had got so far, ------what a blaze of light did the accounts of the _Csarian_ section, and of the towering geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast upon this hypothesis?

When my father had got so far, what a blaze of light did the accounts of the Caesarean section, and of the towering geniuses who had come safe into the world by it, cast upon this hypothesis?


Here you see, he would say, there was no injury done to the sensorium; --no pressure of the head against the pelvis; ----no propulsion of the cerebrum towards the cerebellum, either by the _os pubis_ on this side, or the _os coxygis_ on that; ------and pray, what were the happy consequences?

'Here you see,' he would say, 'there was no injury done; no pressure of the head against the pelvis; no propulsion of the cerebrum - and pray, what were the happy consequences?


Why, Sir, your _Julius Csar_, who gave the operation a name; --and your _Hermes Trismegistus_, who was born so before ever the operation had a name; ----your _Scipio Africanus_; your _Manlius Torquatus_; our _Edward_ the Sixth, --who, had he lived, would have done the same honour to the hypothesis: ----These, and many more who figured high in the annals of fame, --all came _side-way_, Sir, into the world.

Why, Sir, Julius Caesar, who gave the operation a name; and Hermes Trismegistus, Scipio Africanus, and our Edward the Sixth, who, had he lived, would have done honour to the hypothesis. These, and many more famous men, all came sideways, Sir, into the world.'


The incision of the _abdomen_ and _uterus_ ran for six weeks together in my father's head; ----he had read, and was satisfied, that wounds in the _epigastrium_, and those in the _matrix_, were not mortal; --so that the belly of the mother might be opened extremely well to give a passage to the child.

The incision of the uterus ran for six weeks in my father's head; he had read that wounds in the abdomen were not mortal, so that the belly of the mother might be opened extremely well to give a passage to the child.


--He mentioned the thing one afternoon to my mother, ------merely as a matter of fact; but seeing her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much as the operation flattered his hopes, --he thought it as well to say no more of it, ----contenting himself with admiring, --what he thought was to no purpose to propose.

He mentioned this one afternoon to my mother, - merely as a matter of fact; but seeing her turn as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, he thought it as well to say no more, contenting himself with admiring it in silence.


This was my father Mr. _Shandy's_ hypothesis; concerning which I have only to add, that my brother _Bobby_ did as great honour to it (whatever he did to the family) as any one of the great heroes we spoke of: For happening not only to be christened, as I told you, but to be born too, when my father was at _Epsom_, ----being moreover my mother's _first_ child, --coming into the world with his head _foremost_, --and turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful slow parts, ----my father spelt all these together into his opinion: and as he had failed at one end, --he was determined to try the other.

This was my father Mr. Shandy's hypothesis; concerning which I have only to add, that my brother Bobby did as much honour to it as any one of the great heroes we spoke of. For happening to be born when my father was at Epsom, - being moreover my mother's first child, coming into the world head foremost, and turning out afterwards a lad of wonderful slowness, - my father was confirmed in his opinion: and as he had failed at one end, he was determined to try the other.


This was not to be expected from one of the sisterhood, who are not easily to be put out of their way, ----and was therefore one of my father's great reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could better deal with.

This was not to be expected from the midwife, - and was therefore one of my father's reasons in favour of a man of science, whom he could better deal with.


Of all men in the world, Dr. _Slop_ was the fittest for my father's purpose; ----for though this new-invented forceps was the armour he had proved, and what he maintained to be the safest instrument of deliverance, yet, it seems, he had scattered a word or two in his book, in favour of the very thing which ran in my father's fancy; ----tho' not with a view to the soul's good in extracting by the feet, as was my father's system, --but for reasons merely obstetrical.

Of all men in the world, Dr. Slop was the fittest for my father's purpose; for though this new-invented forceps was, he maintained, the safest instrument of deliverance, yet, it seems, he had scattered a word or two in his book, in favour of extracting the baby by its feet; though not for the soul's good, but for reasons merely obstetrical.


This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr. _Slop_, in the ensuing discourse, which went a little hard against my uncle _Toby_.

This will account for the coalition betwixt my father and Dr. Slop in the ensuing discourse, which went a little hard against my uncle Toby.


----In what manner a plain man, with nothing but common sense, could bear up against two such allies in science, --is hard to conceive.

How a plain man could bear up against two such allies in science, is hard to conceive.


--You may conjecture upon it, if you please, ----and whilst your imagination is in motion, you may encourage it to go on, and discover by what causes and effects in nature it could come to pass, that my uncle _Toby_ got his modesty by the wound he received upon his groin.

You may conjecture upon it, if you please, - and whilst your imagination is in motion, you may encourage it to discover how my uncle Toby got his modesty by the wound upon his groin.


--You may raise a system to account for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles, --and shew the world how it could happen, that I should have the misfortune to be called TRISTAM, in opposition to my father's hypothesis, and the wish of the whole family, Godfathers and Godmothers not excepted.

You may try to account for the loss of my nose by marriage-articles, and show the world how I could have the misfortune to be called Tristram, in opposition to my father's hypothesis, and the wishes of the whole family.


--These, with fifty other points left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to solve if you have time; ----but I tell you beforehand it will be in vain, for not the sage _Alquife_, the magician in Don _Belianis_ of _Greece_, nor the no less famous _Urganda_, the sorceress his wife, (were they alive), could pretend to come within a league of the truth.

These, with fifty other points left yet unravelled, you may endeavour to solve; but I tell you now it will be in vain, for you will not come within a league of the truth.


The reader will be content to wait for a full explanation of these matters till the next year, ----when a series of things will be laid open which he little expects.

The reader must wait for a full explanation of these matters till next year, when a series of events will be laid open which he little expects.


[Footnote 2.1: The author is here twice mistaken; for _Lithopdus_ should be wrote thus, _Lithopdii Senonensis Icon_.


The second mistake is, that this _Lithopdus_ is not an author, but a drawing of a petrified child.


The account of this, published by _Athosius_ 1580, may be seen at the end of _Cordus's_ works in _Spachius_.


Mr. _Tristram Shandy_ has been led into this error, either from seeing _Lithopdus's_ name of late in a catalogue of learned writers in Dr. ----, or by mistaking _Lithopdus_ for _Trinecavellius_, ----from the too great similitude of the names.]


It is two hours, and ten minutes--and no more--cried my father, looking at his watch, since Dr. _Slop_ and _Obadiah_ arrived--and I know not how it happens, brother _Toby_--but to my imagination it seems almost an age.

'It is two hours, and ten minutes,' cried my father, looking at his watch, 'since Dr. Slop and Obadiah arrived - and I know not how it happens, brother Toby, but to my imagination it seems an age.'


----Here--pray, Sir, take hold of my cap--nay, take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles too.

- Here - pray, Sir, take my cap, and my bell, and my slippers.


Now, Sir, they are all at your service; and I freely make you a present of 'em, on condition you give me all your attention to this chapter.

I freely make you a present of 'em, on condition you give me all your attention in this chapter.


Though my father said, "_he knew not how it happen'd_," --yet he knew very well how it happen'd; ----and at the instant he spoke it, was pre-determined in his mind to give my uncle _Toby_ a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the subject of _duration and its simple modes_, in order to shew my uncle _Toby_ by what mechanism and mensurations in the brain it came to pass, that the rapid succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the discourse from one thing to another, since Dr. _Slop_ had come into the room, had lengthened out so short a period to so inconceivable an extent.

Though my father said, 'he knew not how it happened,' yet he knew very well how it happened; - and at the instant he spoke it, decided to give my uncle Toby a clear account of the matter by a metaphysical dissertation upon the duration of time and its modes, in order to show my uncle by what mechanism in the brain it happened that the rapid succession of their ideas, and the eternal scampering of the discussion from one thing to another, had lengthened out so short a period to so great an extent.


----"I know not how it happens--cried my father, --but it seems an age."

- 'I know not how it happens,' cried my father, 'but it seems an age.'


----'Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to the succession of our ideas.

''Tis owing entirely,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'to the succession of our ideas.'


My father, who had an itch, in common with all philosophers, of reasoning upon everything which happened, and accounting for it too--proposed infinite pleasure to himself in this, of the succession of ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it snatch'd out of his hands by my uncle _Toby_, who (honest man!)

My father had proposed infinite pleasure to himself in this argument of the succession of ideas, and had not the least apprehension of having it snatched out of his hands by my uncle Toby, who (honest man!)


generally took everything as it happened; ----and who, of all things in the world, troubled his brain the least with abstruse thinking; --the ideas of time and space--or how we came by those ideas--or of what stuff they were made----or whether they were born with us--or we picked them up afterwards as we went along--or whether we did it in frocks----or not till we had got into breeches--with a thousand other inquiries and disputes about INFINITY, PRESCIENCE, LIBERTY, NECESSITY, and so forth, upon whose desperate and unconquerable theories so many fine heads have been turned and cracked----never did my uncle _Toby's_ the least injury at all; my father knew it--and was no less surprized than he was disappointed, with my uncle's fortuitous solution.

generally never troubled his brain with abstruse ideas of time and space. Theories about Infinity, Prescience, Liberty, Necessity, and so forth, which have cracked so many fine heads, never did my uncle Toby's head the least injury. My father knew it, and was no less surprised than he was disappointed with my uncle's answer.


Do you understand the theory of that affair?


--But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk about?--

'But you have some idea of what you talk about?'


No more than my horse, replied my uncle _Toby_.

'No more than my horse,' replied my uncle Toby.


cried my father, looking upwards, and clasping his two hands together----there is a worth in thy honest ignorance, brother _Toby_----'twere almost a pity to exchange it for a knowledge.

cried my father, 'there is a worth in thy honest ignorance, brother Toby - 'twere almost a pity to exchange it for knowledge.


To understand what _time_ is aright, without which we never can comprehend _infinity_, insomuch as one is a portion of the other----we ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea it is we have of _duration_, so as to give a satisfactory account how we came by it.

To understand what time is, without which we never can comprehend infinity, - we ought seriously to sit down and consider what idea we have of duration, and how we came by it.'


[3.3]_For if you will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind_, continued my father, _and observe attentively, you will perceive, brother, that whilst you and I are talking together, and thinking, and smoking our pipes, or whilst we receive successively ideas in our minds, we know that we do exist, and so we estimate the existence, or the continuation of the existence of ourselves, or anything else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing co-existing with our thinking----and so according to that preconceived_ ------You puzzle me to death, cried my uncle _Toby_.

'If you will turn your eyes inwards upon your mind,' continued my father, 'you will perceive, brother, that whilst we are talking, and thinking, and smoking our pipes, we know that we exist, and so we estimate the existence, or the continuation of the existence of ourselves, or anything else, commensurate to the succession of any ideas in our minds, the duration of ourselves, or any such other thing co-existing with our thinking - and so according to that preconceived-'
'You puzzle me to death,' cried my uncle Toby.


------'Tis owing to this, replied my father, that in our computations of _time_, we are so used to minutes, hours, weeks, and months----and of clocks (I wish there was not a clock in the kingdom) to measure out their several portions to us, and to those who belong to us----that 'twill be well, if in time to come, the _succession of our ideas_ be of any use or service to us at all.


Now, whether we observe it or no, continued my father, in every sound man's head, there is a regular succession of ideas of one sort or other, which follow each other in train just like ------A train of artillery?

'In every man's head, there is a regular succession of ideas which follow each other in train just like-'
'A train of artillery?'


said my uncle _Toby_ ----A train of a fiddle-stick!

said my uncle Toby.
'A train of a fiddle-stick!'


--quoth my father--which follow and succeed one another in our minds at certain distances, just like the images in the inside of a lanthorn turned round by the heat of a candle.

quoth my father. '- which follow and succeed one another in our minds like the images in the inside of a lantern turned round by the heat of a candle.'


--I declare, quoth my uncle _Toby_, mine are more like a smoak-jack.

'I declare,' quoth my uncle, 'mine are more like a smoke-jack that turns a spit in a chimney.'


------Then, brother _Toby_, I have nothing more to say to you upon that subject, said my father.

'Then, brother Toby, I have nothing more to say to you upon the subject,' said my father.


My father was returned from his walk to the fish-pond----and opened the parlour-door in the very height of the attack, just as my uncle _Toby_ was marching up the glacis----_Trim_ recovered his arms----never was my uncle _Toby_ caught in riding at such a desperate rate in his life!

My father returned from his walk to the fish-pond, and opened the parlour-door just as my uncle Toby was marching up the glacis. Never in his life was my uncle Toby caught riding at such a desperate rate!


my uncle _Toby!_ had not a weightier matter called forth all the ready eloquence of my father--how hadst thou then and thy poor HOBBY-HORSE too been insulted!

my uncle Toby! had not a weightier matter called forth my father's eloquence - how would thy poor Hobby-Horse then have been insulted!


My father hung up his hat with the same air he took it down; and after giving a slight look at the disorder of the room, he took hold of one of the chairs which had formed the corporal's breach, and placing it over-against my uncle _Toby_, he sat down in it, and as soon as the tea-things were taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a lamentation as follows.

My father hung up his hat, and after glancing at the disorder of the room, he took one of the chairs which had formed the corporal's breach, and sat down in it. As soon as the tea-things were taken away, and the door shut, he broke out in a lamentation.


It is in vain longer, said my father, addressing himself as much to _Ernulphus's_ curse, which was laid upon the corner of the chimney-piece----as to my uncle _Toby_ who sat under it----it is in vain longer, said my father, in the most querulous monotony imaginable, to struggle as I have done against this most uncomfortable of human persuasions ----I see it plainly, that either for my own sins, brother _Toby_, or the sins and follies of the _Shandy_ family, Heaven has thought fit to draw forth the heaviest of its artillery against me; and that the prosperity of my child is the point upon which the whole force of it is directed to play.

'It is in vain,' said my father, 'to struggle any longer against this most uncomfortable idea. I see plainly, that either for my own sins, brother Toby, or for the sins and follies of the Shandy family, Heaven has arrayed its heaviest artillery against me; and its force is directed against the prosperity of my child.'


------Such a thing would batter the whole universe about our ears, brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_--if it was so --Unhappy _Tristram_: child of wrath!

'Such a thing would batter the universe about our ears, brother Shandy,' said my uncle Toby, 'if it was so.'
'Unhappy Tristram: child of wrath!


What one misfortune or disaster in the book of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize thy frame, or entangle thy filaments! which has not fallen upon thy head, or ever thou camest into the world----what evils in thy passage into it! ------what evils since! ----produced into being, in the decline of thy father's days----when the powers of his imagination and of his body were waxing feeble----when radical heat and radical moisture, the elements which should have temper'd thine, were drying up; and nothing left to found thy stamina in, but negations--'tis pitiful------brother _Toby_, at the best, and called out for all the little helps that care and attention on both sides could give it.

What misfortune in the book of embryonic evils, has not fallen upon thy head, ever since thou camest into the world, in the decline of thy father's days - 'tis pitiful, brother Toby.


You know the event, brother _Toby_----'tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now----when the few animal spirits I was worth in the world, and with which memory, fancy, and quick parts should have been convey'd------were all dispersed, confused, confounded, scattered, and sent to the devil. ------

You know the event - 'tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now - when the few animal spirits I had, with which memory, imagination, and quick wits should have been conveyed to my son - were all dispersed, confused, and sent to the devil.


Here then was the time to have put a stop to this persecution against him; ------and tried an experiment at least------whether calmness and serenity of mind in your sister, with a due attention, brother _Toby_, to her evacuations and repletions------and the rest of her non-naturals, might not, in a course of nine months gestation, have set all things to rights.

'Here was the time to have tried an experiment - whether serenity of mind in my wife, with a due attention, brother Toby, to her evacuations and repletions, might not, during nine months gestation, have set all things to rights.


------What a teazing life did she lead herself, and consequently her ftus too, with that nonsensical anxiety of hers about lying-in in town?

What a teazing life did she lead herself, and consequently her foetus too, with that nonsensical anxiety about lying-in in town?'


I thought my sister submitted with the greatest patience, replied my uncle _Toby_ --------I never heard her utter one fretful word about it.

'I thought my sister in law submitted with the greatest patience,' replied my uncle Toby. 'I never heard her utter one fretful word about it.'


------She fumed inwardly, cried my father; and that, let me tell you, brother, was ten times worse for the child--and then!

'She fumed inwardly,' cried my father; 'and that, let me tell you, was ten times worse for the child. - And then!


what battles did she fight with me, and what perpetual storms about the midwife.

what battles did she fight with me about the midwife!'


------There she gave vent, said my uncle _Toby_.

'There she gave vent,' said my uncle Toby.


But what was all this, my dear _Toby_, to the injuries done us by my child's coming head foremost into the world, when all I wished, in this general wreck of his frame, was to have saved this little casket unbroke, unrifled.------

'But what was all this, my dear Toby, to the injuries done by my child's coming head foremost into the world, when all I wished was to have saved this little casket unbroke.


With all my precautions, how was my system turned topside-turvy in the womb with my child!

- With all my precautions, my system was turned topside-turvy in the womb!


his head exposed to the hand of violence, and a pressure of 470 pounds avoirdupois weight acting so perpendicularly upon its apex--that at this hour 'tis ninety _per Cent._ insurance, that the fine net-work of the intellectual web be not rent and torn to a thousand tatters.

his head exposed to the hand of violence, and a pressure of 470 pounds avoirdupois acting so upon its apex - 'tis ninety per cent likely that the fine net-work of the intellectual web was torn to a thousand tatters.


----Fool, coxcomb, puppy----give him but a NOSE ----Cripple, Dwarf, Driveller, Goosecap------(shape him as you will) the door of fortune stands open--_O Licetus!_ _Licetus!_ had I been blest with a ftus five inches long and a half, like thee --Fate might have done her worst.

'Be he a fool, a cripple - give him but a Nose and the door of fortune stands open. There Fate has done her worst.


Still, brother _Toby_, there was one cast of the dye left for our child after all--_O Tristram!_ _Tristram!_ _Tristram!_

Yet still, brother Toby, there was one cast of the dice left for our child. O Tristram! Tristram! Tristram!'


We will send for Mr. _Yorick_, said my uncle _Toby_.

'We will send for Mr. Yorick,' said my uncle Toby.


----You may send for whom you will, replied my father.

'You may send for whom you will,' replied my father.


After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother, --he consulted _Albertus Rubenius_ upon it; and _Albertus Rubenius_ used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother: For as _Rubenius_ had wrote a quarto _express_, _De re Vestiaria Veterum_, --it was _Rubenius's_ business to have given my father some lights.

After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother, he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it; and Rubenius used my father ten times worse (if possible) than my father had used my mother.


--On the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard, --as of extracting a single word out of _Rubenius_ upon the subject.

My father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a beard, as of extracting a single word out of Rubenius upon the subject.


Upon every other article of ancient dress, _Rubenius_ was very communicative to my father; --gave him a full and satisfactory account of

Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was very communicative; he gave a full and satisfactory account of


The Trabea: of which, according to _Suetonius_, there were three kinds.--


----But what are all these to the breeches?

'But what are all these to the breeches?'


_Rubenius_ threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the _Romans_.------

Rubenius threw down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the Romans:


And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which _Juvenal_ takes notice of.


_Rubenius_ shewed my father how well they all fitted, --in what manner they laced on, --with what points, straps, thongs, latchets, ribbands, jaggs, and ends.------

Rubenius shewed my father how well they all fitted, how they laced on, with what straps, thongs, ribbons, jags, and ends.


----But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my father.

'But I want to know about the breeches,' said my father.


_Albertus Rubenius_ informed my father that the _Romans_ manufactured stuffs of various fabrics, ----some plain, --some striped, --others diapered throughout the whole contexture of the wool, with silk and gold ----That linen did not begin to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire, when the _Egyptians_ coming to settle amongst them, brought it into vogue.

Rubenius informed my father that the Romans manufactured various fabrics, some plain, some striped, some woven through with silk and gold; that linen was not in common use till the decline of the empire, when the Egyptians brought it into vogue.


----That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour (next to purple, which was appropriated to the great offices) they most affected, and wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings.

-That persons of quality distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour they wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings.


----That it appeared from the best historians of those times, that they frequently sent their clothes to the fuller, to be clean'd and whitened: ----but that the inferior people, to avoid that expence, generally wore brown clothes, and of a something coarser texture, --till towards the beginning of _Augustus's_ reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of habiliment was lost, but the _Latus Clavus_.

That it appeared from historians that they frequently sent their clothes to be cleaned and whitened: but that poorer people generally wore brown clothes of a coarser texture, till Augustus's reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of dress was lost, but the Latus Clavus.


And what was the _Latus Clavus?_ said my father.

'And what was the Latus Clavus?' said my father.


_Rubenius_ told him, that the point was still litigating amongst the learned: ----That _Egnatius_, _Sigonius_, _Bossius Ticinensis_, _Bayfius_, _Budus_, _Salmasius_, _Lipsius_, _Lazius_, _Isaac Casaubon_, and _Joseph Scaliger_, all differed from each other, --and he from them: That some took it to be the button, --some the coat itself, --others only the colour of it: --That the great _Bayfius_, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap.

Rubenius told him that the point was still being argued amongst the learned: that Egnatius, Sigonius, Lipsius, Lazius, Casaubon and Scaliger, all differed from each other. Some took it to be the button; some the coat itself; others only the colour of it. Bayfius, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap.


12--honestly said, he knew not what it was, --whether a tibula, --a stud, --a button, --a loop, --a buckle, --or clasps and keepers.------

12, honestly said he knew not what it was, whether a stud, a button, a loop, a buckle, or a clasp.


----My father lost the horse, but not the saddle ----They are _hooks and eyes_, said my father----and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made.

My father lost the horse, but not the saddle.
'They are hooks and eyes,' said he - and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made.


From the first moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of the world, and my opinions for its instruction, has a cloud insensibly been gathering over my father.

From the first moment I sat down to write this for the amusement and instruction of the world, a cloud has been slowly gathering over my father.


----A tide of little evils and distresses has been setting in against him.


--Not one thing, as he observed himself, has gone right: and now is the storm thicken'd and going to break, and pour down full upon his head.

- Not one thing, as he observed, has gone right: and now is the storm going to break and pour down full upon his head.


I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy frame of mind that ever sympathetic breast was touched with.

I enter upon this part of my story in a most pensive and melancholy frame of mind.


----Every line I write, I feel an abatement of the quickness of my pulse, and of that careless alacrity with it, which every day of my life prompts me to say and write a thousand things I should not.


----And this moment that I last dipp'd my pen into my ink, I could not help taking notice what a cautious air of sad composure and solemnity there appear'd in my manner of doing it.

Just now, when I dipped my pen into my ink, I could not help noticing with what a cautious, sad and solemn air I did it.


how different from the rash jerks and hair-brain'd squirts thou art wont, _Tristram_, to transact it with in other humours--dropping thy pen----spurting thy ink about thy table and thy books--as if thy pen and thy ink, thy books and furniture cost thee nothing!

how different from the rash and hair-brained squirts thou art wont, Tristram, to use in other moods - dropping thy pen - spurting thy ink about thy table and books - as if they cost thee nothing!


----But for heaven's sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallons----let us take the story straight before us; it is so nice and intricate a one, it will scarce bear the transposition of a single tittle; and, somehow or other, you have got me thrust almost into the middle of it--

But for heaven's sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallons - let us take the story straight before us; it is so intricate a one, it will scarce bear any part being out of place; and, somehow or other, you have got me thrust into the middle of it-


cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to _Susannah_, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand--how does your mistress?

cried my father, calling from the landing to Susannah, whom he saw passing the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand.


As well, said _Susannah_, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected.

Susannah, without looking up, said, 'As well as can be expected.'


said my father, drawing his leg back again--let things be as they will, brother _Toby_, 'tis ever the precise answer ----And how is the child, pray?

said my father, drawing his leg back again. ''Tis ever the answer. - And how is the child, pray?'


And where is Dr. _Slop?_ added my father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the ballusters--_Susannah_ was out of hearing.

- 'And where is Dr. Slop?' added my father, raising his voice, and looking over the banisters. - Susannah was out of hearing.


Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle _Toby_----of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state, ----of which you may trust me, brother _Toby_, there are more asses loads than all _Job's_ stock of asses could have carried----there is not one that has more intricacies in it than this--that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.

'Of all the riddles of a married life,' said my father, crossing the landing to set his back against the wall, 'of all the puzzling riddles, of which, brother Toby, there are more loads than all Job's asses could have carried - there is none more puzzling than this - that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, right down to the kitchen-maid, becomes an inch taller for it; and gives themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.'


I think rather, replied my uncle _Toby_, that 'tis we who sink an inch lower.

'I think rather,' replied my uncle Toby, 'that 'tis we who sink an inch lower.


--If I meet but a woman with child --I do it.


--'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_--'Tis a piteous burden upon 'em, continued he, shaking his head --Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing--said my father, shaking his head too----but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs.

'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy - 'tis a piteous burden upon 'em,' continued he, shaking his head.
'Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing,' said my father, shaking his head too - but never did two heads shake together, from two such different causes.


God bless } 'em all------said my uncle _Toby_ and my Deuce take } father, each to himself.

'God bless / Deuce take 'em all,' said my uncle Toby / and my father, each to himself.


When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal began to run their first parallel----not at random, or any how----but from the same points and distances the allies had begun to run theirs; and regulating their approaches and attacks, by the accounts my uncle _Toby_ received from the daily papers, --they went on, during the whole siege, step by step with the allies.

When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallel from the same points as the allies ran theirs; and following the accounts in the daily papers, they went on, during the whole siege, step by step with the allies.


When the duke of _Marlborough_ made a lodgment, ----my uncle _Toby_ made a lodgment too, ----And when the face of a bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined, --the corporal took his mattock and did as much, --and so on; ----gaining ground, and making themselves masters of the works one after another, till the town fell into their hands.

When the duke of Marlborough made a lodgment, my uncle Toby made one too. And when a bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined, the corporal took his mattock and did the same - and so on; gaining ground over the works, till the town fell into their hands.


To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others, --there could not have been a greater sight in the world, than, on a post-morning, in which a practicable breach had been made by the duke of _Marlborough_, in the main body of the place, --to have stood behind the horn-beam hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle _Toby_, with _Trim_ behind him, sallied forth; ----the one with the _Gazette_ in his hand, --the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the contents.

To one who took pleasure in the happiness of others, there could not have been a greater sight in the world, than to have stood behind the hornbeam hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle Toby and Trim sallied forth; the one with the Gazette in his hand, the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute its contents.


----What an honest triumph in my uncle _Toby's_ looks as he marched up to the ramparts!

What an honest triumph in my uncle Toby's looks as he marched up to the ramparts!


What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading the paragraph ten times over to him, as he was at work, lest, peradventure, he should make the breach an inch too wide, --or leave it an inch too narrow.

What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading the paragraph to him while he worked.


----But when the _chamade_ was beat, and the corporal helped my uncle up it, and followed with the colours in his hand, to fix them upon the ramparts --Heaven!

- But when he mounted the chamade, with the colours in his hand, to fix them upon the ramparts - Heaven!


----with all your elements, wet or dry, ye never compounded so intoxicating a draught.

wet or dry, ye never made so intoxicating a draught.


In this track of happiness for many years, without one interruption to it, except now and then when the wind continued to blow due west for a week or ten days together, which detained the _Flanders_ mail, and kept them so long in torture, --but still 'twas the torture of the happy ----In this track, I say, did my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ move for many years, every year of which, and sometimes every month, from the invention of either the one or the other of them, adding some new conceit or quirk of improvement to their operations, which always opened fresh springs of delight in carrying them on.

In this happy track for many years, without interruption, except now and then when the west wind detained the Flanders mail, and kept them in torture - but still 'twas the torture of the happy - in this track, I say, my uncle Toby and Trim moved for many years, every year adding some improvement to their operations, which always opened fresh springs of delight.


The first year's campaign was carried on from beginning to end, in the plain and simple method I've related.

The first year's campaign was carried on in the plain and simple method I've related.


In the second year, in which my uncle _Toby_ took _Liege_ and _Ruremond_, he thought he might afford the expence of four handsome draw-bridges, of two of which I have given an exact description in the former part of my work.

In the second year, in which my uncle Toby took Liege and Ruremond, he thought he might afford the expense of four handsome draw-bridges, two of which I have described in the former part of my work.


At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with portcullises: ----These last were converted afterwards into orgues, as the better thing; and during the winter of the same year, my uncle _Toby_, instead of a new suit of clothes, which he always had at _Christmas_, treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the corner of the bowling-green, betwixt which point and the foot of the glacis, there was left a little kind of an esplanade for him and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon.

At the end of the same year he added a couple of gates with portcullises. That Christmas, instead of a new suit of clothes, he treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the corner of the bowling-green: betwixt this and the glacis, there was a little esplanade for him and the corporal to hold councils of war upon.


All these were painted white three times over the ensuing spring, which enabled my uncle _Toby_ to take the field with great splendour.

The following spring, all these were painted white, which enabled my uncle Toby to take the field with great splendour.


My father would often say to _Yorick_, that if any mortal in the whole universe had done such a thing, except his brother _Toby_, it would have been looked upon by the world as one of the most refined satires upon the parade and prancing manner in which _Lewis_ XIV.

My father would often say to Yorick, that if any man alive had done such a thing, except his brother Toby, it would have been looked upon as a refined satire upon the parading, prancing manner in which Louis XIV had taken the field.


from the beginning of the war, but particularly that very year, had taken the field ----But 'tis not my brother _Toby's_ nature, kind soul!

'But 'tis not my brother Toby's nature, kind soul!'


my father would add, 'to insult any one.'


It was not till my uncle _Toby_ had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe, that corporal _Trim_ returned from the inn, and gave him the following account.

It was not till my uncle Toby had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe, that corporal Trim returned from the inn, and gave him this account.


I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back your honour any kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick lieutenant --Is he in the army, then?

'I despaired, at first,' said the corporal, 'of getting any news of the poor sick lieutenant.'
'He is in the army, then?'


said my uncle _Toby_ ----He is, said the corporal ----And in what regiment?


said my uncle _Toby_ ----I'll tell your honour, replied the corporal, everything straight forwards, as I learnt it.

'I'll tell your honour everything as I learnt it,' replied the corporal.


--Then, _Trim_, I'll fill another pipe, said my uncle _Toby_, and not interrupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down at thy ease, _Trim_, in the window-seat, and begin thy story again.

'Then, Trim, I'll fill another pipe,' said my uncle Toby, 'and not interrupt thee; so sit down in the window-seat, Trim, and begin thy story again.'


The corporal made his old bow, which generally spoke as plain as a bow could speak it--_Your honour is good_: ----And having done that, he sat down, as he was ordered, --and began the story to my uncle _Toby_ over again in pretty near the same words.

The corporal bowed, sat down, and began again.


I despaired at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back any intelligence to your honour, about the lieutenant and his son; for when I asked where his servant was, from whom I made myself sure of knowing everything which was proper to be asked, --That's a right distinction, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_ --I was answered, an' please your honour, that he had no servant with him; ----that he had come to the inn with hired horses, which, upon finding himself unable to proceed (to join, I suppose, the regiment), he had dismissed the morning after he came.

'I despaired at first,' said he, 'of getting any news of the lieutenant and his son; for when I asked where his servant was, from whom I could make enquiries, I was told that he had no servant with him; that he had come to the inn with hired horses.


--If I get better, my dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his son to pay the man, --we can hire horses from hence.

'"If I get better, my dear," said he, giving his purse to his son to pay the man, "we can hire horses again."


the poor gentleman will never get from hence, said the landlady to me, --for I heard the death-watch all night long; ----and when he dies, the youth, his son, will certainly die with him, for he is broken-hearted already.

the poor gentleman will never leave here," said the landlady to me, "for I heard the death-watch all night long; and when he dies, his son will certainly die too, for he is broken-hearted."


I was hearing this account, continued the corporal, when the youth came into the kitchen, to order the thin toast the landlord spoke of; ----but I will do it for my father myself, said the youth.

'I was hearing this account,' continued the corporal, 'when the youth came into the kitchen, to order thin toast for his father - "but I will make it myself," said the youth.


----Pray let me save you the trouble, young gentleman, said I, taking up a fork for the purpose, and offering him my chair to sit down upon by the fire, whilst I did it.

'"Pray let me save you the trouble," said I.


----I believe, Sir, said he, very modestly, I can please him best myself.

'"I believe, Sir," said he, very modestly, "I can please him best myself."


----I am sure, said I, his honour will not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old soldier.

'"I am sure," said I, "he will not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old soldier."


----The youth took hold of my hand, and instantly burst into tears.

The youth took hold of my hand, and burst into tears.'


said my uncle _Toby_, --he has been bred up from an infant in the army, and the name of a soldier, _Trim_, sounded in his ears like the name of a friend; --I wish I had him here.

said my uncle Toby. 'The name of a soldier, Trim, sounded like the name of a friend; I wish I had him here.'


----I never, in the longest march, said the corporal, had so great a mind to my dinner, as I had to cry with him for company: --What could be the matter with me, an' please your honour?

'I was near weeping myself,' continued the corporal.


Nothing in the world, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, blowing his nose, --but that thou art a good-natured fellow.


When I gave him the toast, continued the corporal, I thought it was proper to tell him I was captain _Shandy's_ servant, and that your honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his father; --and that if there was any thing in your house or cellar----(And thou might'st have added my purse too, said my uncle _Toby_)----he was heartily welcome to it: ----He made a very low bow (which was meant to your honour), but no answer--for his heart was full--so he went up stairs with the toast; --I warrant you, my dear, said I, as I opened the kitchen-door, your father will be well again.

'When I gave him the toast, I thought it was proper to tell him I was captain Shandy's servant, and that your honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his father; and that if there was any food or drink we could provide, he was heartily welcome to it. He made a low bow and went up stairs with the toast.
'"I warrant you, my dear," said I, "your father will be well again."


----Mr. _Yorick's_ curate was smoaking a pipe by the kitchen fire, --but said not a word good or bad to comfort the youth.

Mr. Yorick's curate was smoking a pipe by the kitchen fire, but said not a word to comfort the youth.


----I thought it wrong; added the corporal ----I think so too, said my uncle _Toby_.

- I thought it wrong.'
'I think so too,' said my uncle Toby.


When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast, he felt himself a little revived, and sent down into the kitchen, to let me know, that in about ten minutes he should be glad if I would step up stairs.

'When the lieutenant had taken his sherry and toast, he revived a little, and sent word to the kitchen that he should be glad if I would step upstairs in ten minutes.


----I believe, said the landlord, he is going to say his prayers, ----for there was a book laid upon the chair by his bed-side, and as I shut the door, I saw his son take up a cushion.----

'"I believe," said the landlord, "he is going to say his prayers - for there was a book by his bed-side, and as I shut the door, I saw his son take up a cushion."


I thought, said the curate, that you gentlemen of the army, Mr. _Trim_, never said your prayers at all.

'"I thought," said the curate, "that you gentlemen of the army, Mr. Trim, never said your prayers at all."


----I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers last night, said the landlady, very devoutly, and with my own ears, or I could not have believed it.

'"I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers last night," said the landlady, "very devoutly."


----A soldier, an' please your reverence, said I, prays as often (of his own accord) as a parson; ----and when he is fighting for his king, and for his own life, and for his honour too, he has the most reason to pray to God of any one in the whole world----'Twas well said of thee, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_.

'"A soldier, an' please your reverence," said I, "prays as often as a parson; and when he is fighting for his king, and for his own life and his honour too, he has the most reason to pray to God of anyone in the world."'
''Twas well said, Trim," said my uncle Toby.


----But when a soldier, said I, an' please your reverence, has been standing for twelve hours together in the trenches, up to his knees in cold water, --or engaged, said I, for months together in long and dangerous marches; --harassed, perhaps, in his rear to-day; --harassing others to-morrow; --detached here; --countermanded there; --resting this night out upon his arms; --beat up in his shirt the next; --benumbed in his joints; --perhaps without straw in his tent to kneel on; --must say his prayers _how_ and _when_ he can.

'"But when a soldier," said I, "has been standing for twelve hours in the trenches, up to his knees in cold water, - or engaged for months in long and dangerous marches; resting one night upon his arms, and roused the next in his shirt: harassed and benumbed, with no straw to kneel on - he must say his prayers how and when he can.


--I believe, said I, --for I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for the reputation of the army, --I believe, an' please your reverence, said I, that when a soldier gets time to pray, --he prays as heartily as a parson, --though not with all his fuss and hypocrisy.

I believe," said I, for I was annoyed, "I believe, your reverence, that when a soldier gets time, he prays as heartily as a parson, though not with all his fuss and hypocrisy."'


----Thou shouldst not have said that, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, --for God only knows who is a hypocrite, and who is not: ----At the great and general review of us all, corporal, at the day of judgment (and not till then)--it will be seen who has done their duties in this world, --and who has not; and we shall be advanced, _Trim_, accordingly.

'Thou shouldst not have said that, Trim,' said my uncle Toby, 'for God only knows who is a hypocrite: at the day of judgment it will be seen who has done their duties, and who has not.


----It is in the Scripture, said my uncle _Toby_; and I will shew it thee to-morrow: --In the mean time we may depend upon it, _Trim_, for our comfort, said my uncle _Toby_, that God Almighty is so good and just a governor of the world, that if we have but done our duties in it, --it will never be enquired into, whether we have done them in a red coat or a black one: ----I hope not, said the corporal ----But go on, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, with thy story.

- But we may depend upon it, Trim, that God is so just, that if we have done our duties, it will never be asked whether we have done them in a red coat or a black one. - But go on with thy story.'


When I went up, continued the corporal, into the lieutenant's room, which I did not do till the expiration of the ten minutes, --he was lying in his bed with his head raised upon his hand, with his elbow upon the pillow, and a clean white cambrick handkerchief beside it: ----The youth was just stooping down to take up the cushion, upon which I supposed he had been kneeling, --the book was laid upon the bed, --and, as he rose, in taking up the cushion with one hand, he reached out his other to take it away at the same time.

'When I went up,' continued the corporal, 'into the lieutenant's room, he was lying in his bed: the youth was just taking up the cushion, upon which I supposed he had been kneeling.


----Let it remain there, my dear, said the lieutenant.


He did not offer to speak to me, till I had walked up close to his bed-side: --If you are captain _Shandy's_ servant, said he, you must present my thanks to your master, with my little boy's thanks along with them, for his courtesy to me; --if he was of _Leven's_--said the lieutenant. --I told him your honour was --Then, said he, I served three campaigns with him in _Flanders_, and remember him, --but 'tis most likely, as I had not the honour of any acquaintance with him, that he knows nothing of me.

'When I walked up to his bed-side, the lieutenant said to me: "If you are captain Shandy's servant, present my thanks to your master, with my little boy's thanks too. If he was of Leven's regiment" - I told him your honour was - "Then," said he, "I served three campaigns with him in Flanders, and remember him, but 'tis most likely that he knows nothing of me.


----You will tell him, however, that the person his good-nature has laid under obligations to him, is one _Le Fever_, a lieutenant in _Angus's_----but he knows me not, --said he, a second time, musing; ----possibly he may my story--added he--pray tell the captain, I was the ensign at _Breda_, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent.

My name is Le Fever, a lieutenant in Angus's; possibly he may know my story. Pray tell the captain, I was the ensign at Breda, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent."


----I remember the story, an't please your honour, said I, very well.

'"I remember the story very well," said I.


said he, wiping his eyes with his handkerchief, --then well may I.

said he, wiping his eyes; and drawing out a little ring tied with a black ribbon about his neck, he kissed it twice.


--In saying this, he drew a little ring out of his bosom, which seemed tied with a black ribband about his neck, and kiss'd it twice ----Here, _Billy_, said he, ----the boy flew across the room to the bed-side, --and falling down upon his knee, took the ring in his hand, and kissed it too, --then kissed his father, and sat down upon the bed and wept.

'"Here, Billy," said he. The boy flew across the room to the bed-side, and falling on his knee, took the ring in his hand, kissed his father, and then sat down upon the bed and wept.'


I wish, said my uncle _Toby_, with a deep sigh, --I wish, _Trim_, I was asleep.


Your honour, replied the corporal, is too much concerned; --shall I pour your honour out a glass of sack to your pipe?


I remember, said my uncle _Toby_, sighing again, the story of the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty omitted; --and particularly well that he, as well as she, upon some account or other (I forget what) was universally pitied by the whole regiment; --but finish the story thou art upon: --'Tis finished already, said the corporal, --for I could stay no longer, --so wished his honour a good night; young _Le Fever_ rose from off the bed, and saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we went down together, told me, they had come from _Ireland_, and were on their route to join the regiment in _Flanders_.

'I remember,' said my uncle Toby, sighing deeply, 'the story of the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty omitted; and particularly well because he, as well as she, upon some account or other (I forget what) was pitied by the whole regiment; but finish thy story.'
''Tis finished already,' said the corporal, 'for I could stay no longer. Young Le Fever saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we went down, told me they had come from Ireland, and were on their way to join the regiment in Flanders.


said the corporal, --the lieutenant's last day's march is over.


--Then what is to become of his poor boy?

'Then what is to become of his poor boy?'


The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at the pains to search for, and which, now that I have found it, I think proper to lay before him, --is so much more fully express'd in the deed itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to take it out of the lawyer's hand: --It is as follows.

The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at pains to search for, is so much more fully expressed than I could do it, that it would be barbarity to paraphrase it. - It is as follows.


"#And this Indenture further witnesseth#, That the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and, by God's blessing, to be well and truly solemnised and consummated between the said _Walter Shandy_ and _Elizabeth Mollineux_ aforesaid, and divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him thereunto specially moving, --doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs.

'And this Indenture further witnesseth, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and to be well and truly solemnised and consummated between the said Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid, doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs.


&c._--#to Wit#, --That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to pass, --That the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, shall have left off business before the time or times, that the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall, according to the course of nature, or otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth children; --and that, in consequence of the said _Walter Shandy_ having so left off business, he shall in despight, and against the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, --make a departure from the city of _London_, in order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at _Shandy Hall_, in the county of ----, or at any other country-seat, castle, hall, mansion-house, messuage or grainge-house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof: --That then, and as often as the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall happen to be enceint with child or children severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, during her said coverture, --he the said _Walter Shandy_ shall, at his own proper cost and charges, and out of his own proper monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her the said _Elizabeth Mollineux's_ full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed delivery, --pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. or assigns, --upon TRUST and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following: --#That is to say#, --That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, or to be otherwise applied by them the said Trustees, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, with able and sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, and the child or children which she shall be then and there enceint and pregnant with, --unto the city of _London_; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expences whatsoever, --in and about, and for, and relating to, her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof.

- To Wit, That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to pass, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, shall have left off business before the time that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall, according to the course of nature, have left off bearing and bringing forth children; and that, in consequence of the said Walter Shandy having so left off business, he shall in despite and against the free-will, consent, and agreement of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, make a departure from the city of London, in order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at Shandy Hall, or at any other country-seat, castle, hall, mansion or grange-house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof: That then, and as often as the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen to be enceint or pregnant with child or children lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, during her said pregnancy, he the said Walter Shandy shall, at his own proper cost and charges, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of the said Elizabeth Mollineux's full reckoning, or time of supposed delivery, - pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following: That is to say, That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, to carry and convey the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, and the child or children with which she shall then be pregnant, unto the city of London; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expenses, in and about, and for and relating to, her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof.


And that the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall and may, from time to time, and at all such time and times as are here covenanted and agreed upon, --peaceably and quietly hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever.

And that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever.


--And that it shall moreover be lawful to and for the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time heretofore stipulated and agreed upon, --to live and reside in such place or places, and in such family or families, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of _London_, as she at her own will and pleasure, notwithstanding her present coverture, and as if she was a _femme sole_ and unmarried, --shall think fit.

And that it shall moreover be lawful for the said Elizabeth Mollineux, when she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to live and reside in such place or places, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of London, as she at her own will and pleasure shall think fit.'


--#And this Indenture further Witnesseth#, That for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release, and confirm unto the said _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs.


their heirs, executors, and assigns, in their actual possession now being, by virtue of an indenture of bargain and sale for a year to them the said _John Dickson_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs.


by him the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, thereof made; which said bargain and sale for a year, bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and by force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into possession, --#All# that the manor and lordship of _Shandy_, in the county of ----, with all the rights, members, and appurtenances thereof; and all and every the messuages, houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards, gardens, backsides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows, feedings, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods, drains, fisheries, waters, and water-courses; --together with all rents, reversions, services, annuities, fee-farms, knights fees, views of frankpledge, escheats, reliefs, mines, quarries, goods and chattels of felons and fugitives, felons of themselves, and put in exigent, deodands, free warrens, and all other royalties and seigniories, rights and jurisdictions, privileges and hereditaments whatsoever.


----#And also# the advowson, donation, presentation, and free disposition of the rectory or parsonage of _Shandy_ aforesaid, and all and every the tenths, tythes, glebe-lands."


----In three words, ----"My mother was to lay in, (if she chose it) in _London_."

In three words, 'My mother was to lay in, (if she chose) in London.'


But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the part of my mother, which a marriage-article of this nature too manifestly opened a door to, and which indeed had never been thought of at all, but for my uncle _Toby Shandy_; --a clause was added in security of my father, which was this: --"That in case my mother hereafter should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and expence of a _London_ journey, upon false cries and tokens; ----that for every such instance, she should forfeit all the right and title which the covenant gave her to the next turn; ----but to no more, --and so on, _toties quoties_, in as effectual a manner, as if such a covenant betwixt them had not been made."

But in order to put a stop to any unfair play on my mother's part, which a marriage-article of this nature opened a door to - and which indeed would not have been thought of, but for my uncle Toby Shandy - the following clause was added:
'That in case my mother should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and expense of a London journey, upon false cries and tokens; - for every such instance, she should forfeit all the rights which the covenant gave her on the next such occasion.'


--This, by the way, was no more than what was reasonable; --and yet, as reasonable as it was, I have ever thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.

This was only reasonable; - and yet, I have always thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.


But I was begot and born to misfortunes: --for my poor mother, whether it was wind or water--or a compound of both, --or neither; --or whether it was simply the mere swell of imagination and fancy in her; --or how far a strong wish and desire to have it so, might mislead her judgment: --in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, it no way becomes me to decide.

But I was born to misfortunes: for my poor mother, whether it was wind or water, or simply the swell of imagination in her; - or how far a strong desire to be with child might mislead her judgment: - in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, is not for me to decide.


The fact was this, That in the latter end of _September_ 1717, which was the year before I was born, my mother having carried my father up to town much against the grain, --he peremptorily insisted upon the clause; --so that I was doom'd, by marriage-articles, to have my nose squeez'd as flat to my face, as if the destinies had actually spun me without one.

The fact was this: that in late September 1717, the year before I was born, my mother carried my father up to town much against the grain: when no child appeared, he insisted upon the extra clause; so that I was doomed, by marriage-articles, to have my nose squeezed flat to my face.


How this event came about, --and what a train of vexatious disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have pursued me from the mere loss, or rather compression, of this one single member, --shall be laid before the reader all in due time.

How this event came about, and what a train of disappointments has pursued me through my life from the compression of this single member, - shall be laid before the reader all in due time.


When _Trim_ came in and told my father, that Dr. _Slop_ was in the kitchen, and busy in making a bridge--my uncle _Toby_----the affair of the jack-boots having just then raised a train of military ideas in his brain----took it instantly for granted that Dr. _Slop_ was making a model of the marquis _d'Hpital's_ bridge.

When Trim came in and told my father that Dr. Slop was in the kitchen, busy making a bridge, my uncle Toby took it instantly for granted that Dr. Slop was making a model of the marquis d'Hpital's bridge.


----'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle _Toby_; --pray give my humble service to Dr. _Slop_, _Trim_, and tell him I thank him heartily.

''Tis very obliging in him,' quoth he; 'pray tell him I thank him heartily.'


Had my uncle _Toby's_ head been a _Savoyard's_ box, and my father peeping in all the time at one end of it----it could not have given him a more distinct conception of the operations of my uncle _Toby's_ imagination, than what he had; so, notwithstanding the catapulta and battering-ram, and his bitter imprecation about them, he was just beginning to triumph----

Had my uncle Toby's head been a Savoyard's peep-show box, with my father peeping in at one end - it could not have given him a clearer picture of my uncle Toby's imagination; so he was beginning to triumph-


When _Trim's_ answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twisted it to pieces.

When Trim's answer, the next instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twisted it to pieces.


----"Because," quoth my great-grandmother, repeating the words again-- "you have little or no nose, Sir."------

'Because,' quoth my great-grandmother, 'you have little or no nose, Sir.'


cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose, --'tis not so small as that comes to; ----'tis a full inch longer than my father's.

cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose, ''tis not so small as that; 'tis a full inch longer than my father's.'


--Now, my great-grandfather's nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom _Pantagruel_ found dwelling upon the island of ENNASIN.

Now, my great-grandfather's nose was like the noses of the people whom Pantagruel found dwelling upon the island of Ennasin.


------By the way, if you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so flat-nosed a people----you must read the book; ----find it out yourself, you never can.----


--'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.


--'Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertion----'tis a full inch longer, madam, than my father's ----You must mean your uncle's, replied my great-grandmother.

''Tis a full inch longer than my father's,' continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger.
'You must mean your uncle's,' replied my great-grandmother.


------My great-grandfather was convinced.


--He untwisted the paper, and signed the article.

- He untwisted the paper, and signed the article.


As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever in different airs and attitudes, --not one, or all of them, can ever help the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life.

Although many pictures have been given of my father, in different airs and attitudes, not one of them could help the reader to predict how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any occasion.


--There was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by which handle he would take a thing, --it baffled, Sir, all calculations.

He had such an infinitude of oddities in him, that to know how he would take a thing, baffled, Sir, all calculations.


----The truth was, his road lay so very far on one side, from that wherein most men travelled, --that every object before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind.

The truth was, that every object presented its face and cross-section to his eye, altogether different from the plan of it seen by the rest of mankind.


--In other words, 'twas a different object, and in course was differently considered:


This is the true reason, that my dear _Jenny_ and I, as well as all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing.

This is the true reason that my dear Jenny and I have such eternal squabbles about nothing.


--She looks at her outside, --I, at her in--.


- How is it possible we should agree about her value?


It was a thousand pities----though I believe, an' please your honour, I am going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldier----

'It was a thousand pities - though I believe I am going to say a foolish thing for a soldier-'


A soldier, cried my uncle _Toby_, interrupting the corporal, is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing, _Trim_, than a man of letters ----But not so often, an' please your honour, replied the corporal ----My uncle _Toby_ gave a nod.

'A soldier,' cried my uncle Toby, 'is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing than a man of letters.'
'But not so often, your honour,' replied the corporal.


It was a thousand pities then, said the corporal, casting his eye upon _Dunkirk_, and the mole, as _Servius Sulpicius_, in returning out of _Asia_ (when he sailed from _gina_ towards _Megara_), did upon _Corinth_ and _Pyreus_----


--"It was a thousand pities, an' please your honour, to destroy these works----and a thousand pities to have let them stood."----

'-It was a thousand pities, your honour, to destroy these works - and a thousand pities to have let them stood.'


----Thou art right, _Trim_, in both cases; said my uncle _Toby_.


----This, continued the corporal, is the reason, that from the beginning of their demolition to the end ----I have never once whistled, or sung, or laugh'd, or cry'd, or talk'd of past done deeds, or told your honour one story good or bad----

'This,' continued the corporal, 'is why during their demolition I have never once whistled, or sung, or laughed, or told your honour one story, good or bad-'


----Thou hast many excellencies, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, and I hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest to be a story-teller, that of the number thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave ones--thou hast seldom told me a bad one----

'Thou hast many excellencies, Trim,' said my uncle Toby, 'and of the stories thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave ones, - thou hast seldom told me a bad one.'


----Because, an' please your honour, except one of a _King of Bohemia and his seven castles_, --they are all true; for they are about myself----

'Because, your honour, except one of a King of Bohemia and his seven castles, they are all true; for they are about myself.'


I do not like the subject the worse, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, on that score: But prithee what is this story?

'I do not like them worse on that score,' said my uncle Toby. 'But prithee what is this story?


I'll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal, directly --Provided, said my uncle _Toby_, looking earnestly towards _Dunkirk_ and the mole again----provided it is not a merry one; to such, _Trim_, a man should ever bring one half of the entertainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at present would wrong both thee, _Trim_, and thy story ----It is not a merry one by any means, replied the corporal --Nor would I have it altogether a grave one, added my uncle _Toby_ ----It is neither the one nor the other, replied the corporal, but will suit your honour exactly ----Then I'll thank thee for it with all my heart, cried my uncle _Toby_; so prithee begin it, _Trim_.

Tell it - provided it is not a merry one; for I am not in a mood at present to do it justice.'
'It is not merry by any means,' replied the corporal.
'Nor would I have it altogether grave,' added my uncle Toby.
'It is neither one nor the other,' replied the corporal, 'but will suit your honour exactly.'
'I thank thee; prithee begin it, Trim,' cried my uncle Toby.


The corporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a matter as the world imagines, to pull off a lank _Montero_-cap with grace----or a whit less difficult, in my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat upon the ground, to make a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont; yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, which was towards his master, to slip backwards upon the grass, a little beyond his body, in order to allow it the greater sweep----and by an unforced compression, at the same time, of his cap with the thumb and the two forefingers of his left, by which the diameter of the cap became reduced, so that it might be said, rather to be insensibly squeez'd--than pull'd off with a flatus----the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better manner than the posture of his affairs promised; and having hemmed twice, to find in what key his story would best go, and best suit his master's humour, --he exchanged a single look of kindness with him, and set off thus.

The corporal made his bow; and though it is not easy to pull off a lank Montero-cap with grace - nor to make a bow so teeming with respect when a man is sitting squat upon the ground; yet by allowing the palm of his right hand to slip backwards upon the grass - and with his left hand, squeezing rather than pulling off his cap - the corporal acquitted himself well; and having cleared his throat, he set off thus.


THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES


There was a certain king of Bo - - he------


As the corporal was entering the confines of _Bohemia_, my uncle _Toby_ obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had set out bare-headed, having, since he pull'd off his _Montero_-cap in the latter end of the last chapter, left it lying beside him on the ground.
----The eye of Goodness espieth all things----so that before the corporal had well got through the first five words of his story, had my uncle _Toby_ twice touch'd his _Montero_-cap with the end of his cane, interrogatively----as much as to say, Why don't you put it on, _Trim?_ _Trim_ took it up with the most respectful slowness, and casting a glance of humiliation as he did it, upon the embroidery of the fore-part, which being dismally tarnish'd and fray'd moreover in some of the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern, he lay'd it down again between his two feet, in order to moralise upon the subject.

My uncle Toby obliged the corporal to halt, by touching the Montero-cap on the ground with the end of his cane - as much as to say, 'Why don't you put it on, Trim?'
Trim took it up with respectful slowness, and casting a humiliated glance upon the embroidery of the front, which was dismally tarnished and frayed, he laid it down again between his two feet, to moralise upon the subject.


----'Tis every word of it but too true, cried my uncle _Toby_, that thou art about to observe----
"_Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to last for ever._"

'Thou art about to observe,' cried my uncle Toby, '-that nothing in this world is made to last for ever.'


----But when tokens, dear _Tom_, of thy love and remembrance wear out, said _Trim_, what shall we say?

'But when tokens of my dear brother's love and remembrance wear out,' said Trim, 'what shall we say?'


There is no occasion, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to say anything else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till Doom's day, I believe, _Trim_, it would be impossible.

'There is no need to say anything else,' quoth my uncle Toby.