------which leads me to my uncle _Toby's_ amours.

- which leads me to my uncle Toby's amours.


Though my father travelled homewards, as I told you, in none of the best of moods, --pshawing and pishing all the way down, --yet he had the complaisance to keep the worst part of the story still to himself; --which was the resolution he had taken of doing himself the justice, which my uncle _Toby's_ clause in the marriage-settlement empowered him; nor was it till the very night in which I was begot, which was thirteen months after, that she had the least intimation of his design: when my father, happening, as you remember, to be a little chagrin'd and out of temper, ----took occasion as they lay chatting gravely in bed afterwards, talking over what was to come, ----to let her know that she must accommodate herself as well as she could to the bargain made between them in their marriage-deeds; which was to lye-in of her next child in the country, to balance the last year's journey.

Though my father travelled homewards, as I told you, in none of the best of moods, pshawing and pishing all the way down, yet he kept the worst part of the story to himself: which was his resolution to hold my mother to my uncle Toby's clause in the marriage-settlement. It was not until the very night in which I was begot, which was thirteen months after, that she had the least idea of his intention: when my father, happening, as you remember, to be a little annoyed and out of temper, took occasion as they lay chatting gravely in bed afterwards, to let her know that she must keep to the bargain made between them in their marriage-deeds, and lie-in with her next child at home, to balance last year's journey.


My father was a gentleman of many virtues, --but he had a strong spice of that in his temper, which might, or might not, add to the number.

My father was a gentleman of many virtues, but he had a strong spice in his nature which might be called either the virtue of perseverance, or the vice of obstinacy.


--'Tis known by the name of perseverance in a good cause, --and of obstinacy in a bad one: Of this my mother had so much knowledge, that she knew 'twas to no purpose to make any remonstrance, --so she e'en resolved to sit down quietly, and make the most of it.

Because my mother knew this, she knew 'twas no use remonstrating; so she resolved to sit down quietly, and make the most of it.


Obadiah gained the two crowns without dispute; for he came in jingling, with all the instruments in the green bays bag we spoke of, slung across his body, just as Corporal _Trim_ went out of the room.

Obadiah came in jingling, with all the instruments in the green baize bag we spoke of, slung across his body, just as Corporal Trim went out.


It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. _Slop_ (clearing up his looks), as we are in a condition to be of some service to Mrs. _Shandy_, to send upstairs to know how she goes on.

'It is now proper, I think,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'to send upstairs to know how Mrs. Shandy goes on.'


I have ordered, answered my father, the old midwife to come down to us upon the least difficulty; --for you must know, Dr. _Slop_, continued my father, with a perplexed kind of a smile upon his countenance, that by express treaty, solemnly ratified between me and my wife, you are no more than an auxiliary in this affair, --and not so much as that, --unless the lean old mother of a midwife above stairs cannot do without you.

'I have ordered,' answered my father, 'the old midwife to come down to us if there is the least difficulty; for you must know, Dr. Slop,' he continued, with a perplexed kind of smile, 'that by a treaty between me and my wife, you are no more than an auxiliary in this affair, - and not even that, unless the midwife upstairs cannot do without you.


--Women have their particular fancies, and in points of this nature, continued my father, where they bear the whole burden, and suffer so much acute pain for the advantage of our families, and the good of the species, --they claim a right of deciding, _en Souveraines_, in whose hands, and in what fashion, they choose to undergo it.

Women have their fancies, and in these situations they claim a right of deciding in whose hands they shall undergo it.'


They are in the right of it, ----quoth my uncle _Toby_.


But, Sir, replied Dr. _Slop_, not taking notice of my uncle _Toby's_ opinion, but turning to my father, --they had better govern in other points; ----and a father of a family, who wishes its perpetuity, in my opinion, had better exchange this prerogative with them, and give up some other rights in lieu of it.

'But, Sir,' replied Dr. Slop to my father, ignoring my uncle, 'the father of a family, who wishes its perpetuity, in my opinion, had better insist on this prerogative, and give up some other rights instead.'


----I know not, quoth my father, answering a little too testily, to be quite dispassionate in what he said, --I know not, quoth he, what we have left to give up, in lieu of who shall bring our children into the world, unless that, --of who shall beget them.

'I know not,' quoth my father testily, 'what we have left to give up, in lieu of who shall bring our children into the world, unless the right of who shall beget them.'


------One would almost give up anything, replied Dr. _Slop_.


--I beg your pardon, ----answered my uncle _Toby_.


--Sir, replied Dr. _Slop_, it would astonish you to know what improvements we have made of late years in all branches of obstetrical knowledge, but particularly in that one single point of the safe and expeditious extraction of the _ftus_, ----which has received such lights, that, for my part (holding up his hands) I declare I wonder how the world has ----I wish, quoth my uncle _Toby_, you had seen what prodigious armies we had in _Flanders_.

'Sir,' replied Dr. Slop, 'it would astonish you to know what improvements we have made of late years in all branches of obstetrical knowledge, but particularly in that the safe and expeditious extraction of the foetus, which has received such lights, that for my part I wonder how the world has-'
- 'I wish,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'you had seen what prodigious armies we had in Flanders.'


My uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had gone on separately with their operations the greatest part of the campaign, and as effectually cut off from all communication of what either the one or the other had been doing, as if they had been separated from each other by the _Maes_ or the _Sambre_.

My uncle Toby and the corporal had gone on separately with their operations for most of the campaign, and had cut off all communication from each other as effectively as if they had been separated by the Maes or the Sambre.


My uncle _Toby_, on his side, had presented himself every afternoon in his red and silver, and blue and gold alternately, and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be attacks--and so had nothing to communicate----

My uncle Toby, on his side, had presented himself every afternoon in his red and silver, and blue and gold alternately, and sustained an infinity of attacks in them, without knowing them to be attacks - and so had nothing to communicate-


The corporal, on his side, in taking _Bridget_, by it had gain'd considerable advantages----and consequently had much to communicate----but what were the advantages----as well as what was the manner by which he had seiz'd them, required so nice an historian, that the corporal durst not venture upon it; and as sensible as he was of glory, would rather have been contented to have gone bareheaded and without laurels for ever, than torture his master's modesty for a single moment----

The corporal, on his side, in taking Bridget, had gained considerable advantages - and consequently had much to communicate - but the nature of the advantages, and the manner by which he had seized them, required so careful a telling that the corporal dared not try it. Though aware of glory, he would rather have gone without laurels for ever, than torture his master's modesty for a single moment-


----Best of honest and gallant servants!


----But I have apostrophiz'd thee, _Trim!_ once before----and could I apotheosize thee also (that is to say) with good company ----I would do it _without ceremony_ in the very next page.

Could I raise thee amongst the gods, Trim - I would do it in the very next page.


No matter how, or in what mood--but I flew from the tomb of the lovers--or rather I did not fly _from_ it--(for there was no such thing existing) and just got time enough to the boat to save my passage; --and ere I had sailed a hundred yards, the _Rhne_ and the _San_ met together, and carried me down merrily betwixt them.

I flew from the tomb of the lovers - or rather I did not (for it did not exist) and just reached the boat in time to save my passage. Before I had sailed a hundred yards, the Rhne and the Sane met, and carried me down merrily betwixt them.


But I have described this voyage down the _Rhne_, before I made it----

But I have described this voyage down the Rhne before I made it-


----So now I am at _Avignon_, and as there is nothing to see but the old house, in which the duke of _Ormond_ resided, and nothing to stop me but a short remark upon the place, in three minutes you will see me crossing the bridge upon a mule, with _Franois_ upon a horse with my portmanteau behind him, and the owner of both, striding the way before us, with a long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword under his arm, lest peradventure we should run away with his cattle.

So now I am at Avignon, and as there is nothing to stop me but a short remark upon the place, in three minutes you will see me crossing the bridge on a mule, with Franois upon a horse, and the owner of both striding before us with a long gun upon his shoulder, and a sword under his arm, lest we should run away with his animals.


Had you seen my breeches in entering _Avignon_, ----Though you'd have seen them better, I think, as I mounted--you would not have thought the precaution amiss, or found in your heart to have taken it in dudgeon; for my own part, I took it most kindly; and determined to make him a present of them, when we got to the end of our journey, for the trouble they had put him to, of arming himself at all points against them.

Had you seen my breeches, you would not have thought the precaution amiss.


Before I go further, let me get rid of my remark upon _Avignon_, which is this: That I think it wrong, merely because a man's hat has been blown off his head by chance the first night he comes to _Avignon_, ----that he should therefore say, "_Avignon_ is more subject to high winds than any town in all _France_:" for which reason I laid no stress upon the accident till I had enquired of the master of the inn about it, who telling me seriously it was so----and hearing, moreover, the windiness of _Avignon_ spoke of in the country about as a proverb ----I set it down, merely to ask the learned what can be the cause----the consequence I saw--for they are all Dukes, Marquisses, and Counts, there----the duce a Baron, in all _Avignon_----so that there is scarce any talking to them on a windy day.

Before I go further, let me get rid of my remark upon Avignon, which is this:
That I think it wrong, merely because a man's hat has been blown off his head the first night he comes to Avignon, that he should therefore say, 'Avignon is the windiest town in all France.'
This is why I laid no stress upon the accident till I had enquired of the inn-keeper about it. When I was told seriously it was so - and hearing, moreover, the windiness of Avignon spoke of as a proverb - I set it down, merely to ask the learned what can be the cause. The consequence I saw - for they are all Dukes, Marquisses, and Counts in Avignon - so that there is scarce any talking to them on a windy day.


Prithee, friend, said I, take hold of my mule for a moment----for I wanted to pull off one of my jack-boots, which hurt my heel--the man was standing quite idle at the door of the inn, and as I had taken it into my head, he was someway concerned about the house or stable, I put the bridle into his hand--so begun with the boot: --when I had finished the affair, I turned about to take the mule from the man, and thank him----

'Prithee, friend,' said I, 'hold my mule for a moment,' - for I wanted to pull off one of my jack-boots, which hurt my heel. The man was standing quite idle outside the door of the inn, and I assumed he was in some way concerned with the house or stable; so I put the bridle into his hand and begun with the boot.
When I had finished, I turned to take the mule from the man, and thank him-


------But _Monsieur le Marquis_ had walked in----


Imagine to yourself a little squat, uncourtly figure of a Doctor _Slop_, of about four feet and a half perpendicular height, with a breadth of back, and a sesquipedality of belly, which might have done honour to a serjeant in the horse-guards.

Imagine to yourself a little squat, uncourtly figure of a Doctor Slop, about four feet and a half in height, but with considerable breadth of belly.


Such were the out-lines of Dr. _Slop's_ figure, which, --if you have read _Hogarth's_ analysis of beauty, and if you have not, I wish you would; ----you must know, may as certainly be caricatured, and conveyed to the mind by three strokes as three hundred.


Imagine such a one, ----for such, I say, were the outlines of Dr. _Slop's_ figure, coming slowly along, foot by foot, waddling thro' the dirt upon the vertebr of a little diminutive pony, of a pretty colour----but of strength, ----alack!

Imagine him waddling slowly through the dirt upon a little pony, scarce able, alack!


----scarce able to have made an amble of it, under such a fardel, had the roads been in an ambling condition.

to walk under such a burden, even had the roads been good.


----Imagine to yourself, _Obadiah_ mounted upon a strong monster of a coach-horse, pricked into a full gallop, and making all practicable speed the adverse way.

- Now imagine Obadiah mounted upon a strong monster of a coach-horse, in full gallop, and speeding the opposite way.


Pray, Sir, let me interest you a moment in this description.


Had Dr. _Slop_ beheld _Obadiah_ a mile off, posting in a narrow lane directly towards him, at that monstrous rate, --splashing and plunging like a devil thro' thick and thin, as he approached, would not such a phnomenon, with such a vortex of mud and water moving along with it, round its axis, --have been a subject of juster apprehension to Dr. _Slop_ in his situation, than the _worst_ of _Whiston's_ comets?

If Dr. Slop had beheld Obadiah a mile off, in a narrow lane, heading directly towards him at that monstrous rate, splashing and plunging like a devil through thick and thin as he approached, would not such a phenomenon, with such a vortex of mud and water round its axis, have been more fearful to Dr. Slop than the worst of Whiston's comets?


--To say nothing of the NUCLEUS; that is, of _Obadiah_ and the coach-horse.

- To say nothing of the Nucleus; that is, of Obadiah and the coach-horse.


--In my idea, the vortex alone of 'em was enough to have involved and carried, if not the doctor, at least the doctor's pony, quite away with it.

- In my idea, the vortex alone of 'em was enough to carry, if not the doctor, at least the doctor's pony, quite away.


What then do you think must the terror and hydrophobia of Dr. _Slop_ have been, when you read (which you are just going to do) that he was advancing thus warily along towards _Shandy-Hall_, and had approached to within sixty yards of it, and within five yards of a sudden turn, made by an acute angle of the garden-wall, --and in the dirtiest part of a dirty lane, --when _Obadiah_ and his coach-horse turned the corner, rapid, furious, --pop, --full upon him!

What then do you think Dr. Slop's terror must have been, when you read (which you are just going to do) that he was advancing towards Shandy-Hall, and was within five yards of a sharp angle in the dirtiest part of a dirty lane, - when Obadiah and his coach-horse turned the corner, rapid, furious - pop - full upon him!


--Nothing, I think, in nature, can be supposed more terrible than such a rencounter, --so imprompt!


so ill prepared to stand the shock of it as Dr. _Slop_ was.


----he crossed himself + --Pugh! --but the doctor, Sir, was a Papist.

- he crossed himself + (for the doctor, Sir, was a Papist.)


--No matter; he had better have kept hold of the pummel --He had so; --nay, as it happened, he had better have done nothing at all; for in crossing himself he let go his whip, ----and in attempting to save his whip betwixt his knee and his saddle's skirt, as it slipped, he lost his stirrup, ----in losing which he lost his seat; ----and in the multitude of all these losses (which, by the bye, shews what little advantage there is in crossing) the unfortunate doctor lost his presence of mind.

He would have done better to have kept hold of the pummel - nay, to have done nothing at all; for in crossing himself he let go his whip, and in attempting to save his whip, he lost his stirrup, - in losing which he lost his seat; - and in the multitude of all these losses (which, by the bye, shows what little point there is in crossing oneself) the unfortunate doctor lost his presence of mind.


So that without waiting for _Obadiah's_ onset, he left his pony to its destiny, tumbling off it diagonally, something in the stile and manner of a pack of wool, and without any other consequence from the fall, save that of being left (as it would have been) with the broadest part of him sunk about twelve inches deep in the mire.

Tumbling off his pony like a pack of wool, he landed with the broadest part of him sunk twelve inches deep in the mire.


_Obadiah_ pull'd off his cap twice to Dr. _Slop_; --once as he was falling, --and then again when he saw him seated.


----Ill-timed complaisance; --had not the fellow better have stopped his horse, and got off and help'd him?


--Sir, he did all that his situation would allow; --but the MOMENTUM of the coach-horse was so great, that _Obadiah_ could not do it all at once; he rode in a circle three times round Dr. _Slop_, before he could fully accomplish it any how; --and at the last, when he did stop his beast, 'twas done with such an explosion of mud, that _Obadiah_ had better have been a league off.

Obadiah had been riding so fast, and the Momentum of the coach-horse was so great, that he rode in a circle three times round Dr. Slop, before he stopped his beast; and then 'twas done with such an explosion of mud that he had better have kept his distance.


In short, never was a Dr. _Slop_ so beluted, and so transubstantiated, since that affair came into fashion.

Never was a Dr. Slop so bespattered, and so transubstantiated into mud.


----My father in one of his best explanatory moods--in eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into the very regions, where clouds and thick darkness would soon have encompassed it about; --my uncle _Toby_ in one of the finest dispositions for it in the world; --his head like a smoak-jack; ----the funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, all obfuscated and darkened over with fuliginous matter!

My father in one of his best explanatory moods - in eager pursuit of a metaphysical point into thick darkness; my uncle Toby with his head like a smoke-jack; - the funnel unswept, and the ideas whirling round in it, all darkened with soot!


--By the tomb-stone of _Lucian_----if it is in being----if not, why then by his ashes!


by the ashes of my dear _Rabelais_, and dearer _Cervantes!_------my father and my uncle _Toby's_ discourse upon TIME and ETERNITY----was a discourse devoutly to be wished for!

By the ashes of my dear Rabelais, and dearer Cervantes! - my father and my uncle's discourse upon Time and Eternity was devoutly to be wished for!


and the petulancy of my father's humour, in putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of the _Ontologic Treasury_ of such a jewel, as no coalition of great occasions and great men are ever likely to restore to it again.

and my father's petulance in putting a stop to it as he did, was a robbery of such a philosophical jewel, as is never likely to occur again.


----I think it a very unreasonable demand--cried my great-grandfather, twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the table.

'I think it a very unreasonable demand,' cried my great-grandfather, twisting up the paper, and throwing it upon the table.


----By this account, madam, you have but two thousand pounds fortune, and not a shilling more--and you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure for it.------

'By this account, madam, you have only two thousand pounds fortune - and yet you insist upon having three hundred pounds a year jointure after my death.'


--"Because," replied my great-grandmother, "you have little or no nose, Sir."--

'Because,' replied my great-grandmother, 'you have little or no nose, Sir.'


Now before I venture to make use of the word _Nose_ a second time--to avoid all confusion in what will be said upon it, in this interesting part of my story, it may not be amiss to explain my own meaning, and define, with all possible exactness and precision, what I would willingly be understood to mean by the term: being of opinion, that 'tis owing to the negligence and perverseness of writers in despising this precaution, and to nothing else----that all the polemical writings in divinity are not as clear and demonstrative as those upon _a Will o' the Wisp_, or any other sound part of philosophy, and natural pursuit; in order to which, what have you to do, before you set out, unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgment----but to give the world a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word you have most occasion for----changing it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into small coin?

Now before I use the word Nose again - to avoid all confusion in this interesting part of my story, I shall define exactly what I mean by the term: being of the opinion that negligent writers who despise this precaution make themselves as clear as a Will o' the Wisp: in order to which, what you have to do, before you set out, unless you intend to go puzzling on to the day of judgment - but to give the world a good definition, and stand to it, of the main word you have most occasion for - changing it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into small coin?


--which done--let the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can; or put a different idea either into your head, or your reader's head, if he knows how.

which done - let the father of confusion puzzle you, if he can; or put a different idea either into your head, or your reader's head, if he knows how.


In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this I am engaged in--the neglect is inexcusable; and Heaven is witness, how the world has revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocal strictures--and for depending so much as I have done, all along, upon the cleanliness of my readers' imaginations.

In books of strict morality and close reasoning, such as this one, neglecting to make yourself clear is inexcusable; and Heaven is witness, how the world has revenged itself upon me for leaving so many openings to equivocal meanings - and for depending so much upon the cleanliness of my readers' imaginations.


----Here are two senses, cried _Eugenius_, as we walk'd along, pointing with the forefinger of his right hand to the word _Crevice_, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book of books; ------here are two senses--quoth he --And here are two roads, replied I, turning short upon him----a dirty and a clean one----which shall we take?

'Here are two meanings,' cried Eugenius, pointing with his forefinger at the word Crevice, in the one hundred and seventy-eighth page of the first volume of this book.
'And here are two roads,' replied I, 'a dirty and a clean one - which shall we take?'


--The clean, by all means, replied _Eugenius_.


_Eugenius_, said I, stepping before him, and laying my hand upon his breast----to define--is to distrust.

'Eugenius', said I, stepping before him, 'to define is to distrust.'


----Thus I triumph'd over _Eugenius_; but I triumph'd over him as I always do, like a fool.

Thus I triumphed over Eugenius; but I triumphed over him like a fool.


----'Tis my comfort, however, I am not an obstinate one: therefore

However, I am not an obstinate one: therefore-


I define a nose as follows--intreating only beforehand, and beseeching my readers, both male and female, of what age, complexion, and condition soever, for the love of God and their own souls, to guard against the temptations and suggestions of the devil, and suffer him by no art or wile to put any other ideas into their minds, than what I put into my definition --For by the word _Nose_, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word _Nose_ occurs --I declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less.

I define a nose as follows - only beseeching my readers, both male and female, for the love of God to guard against the suggestions of the devil, and not to allow him to put any other ideas into their minds, than this.
For by the word Nose, throughout all this long chapter of noses, and in every other part of my work, where the word Nose occurs - I declare, by that word I mean a nose, and nothing more, or less.


My uncle _Toby_ took the ivory pipe out of the corporal's hand, --looked at it for half a minute, and returned it.

My uncle Toby took the ivory pipe out of the corporal's hand - looked at it for half a minute, and returned it.


In less than two minutes, my uncle _Toby_ took the pipe from the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth----then hastily gave it back a second time.

Then he took it from the corporal again, and raised it half way to his mouth - and hastily gave it back a second time.


The corporal redoubled the attack, ----my uncle _Toby_ smiled, ----then looked grave, ----then smiled for a moment, ----then looked serious for a long time; ----Give me hold of the ivory pipe, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_----my uncle _Toby_ put it to his lips, ----drew it back directly, --gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge; ----never did my uncle _Toby's_ mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.

The corporal redoubled the attack; my uncle Toby smiled - then looked grave - then smiled for a moment - then looked serious for a long time.
'Give me the ivory pipe, Trim,' said my uncle Toby. Never did my uncle's mouth water so much for a pipe in his life.


----My uncle _Toby_ retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.------

He retired into the sentry-box with the pipe in his hand.


----Dear uncle _Toby!_ don't go into the sentry-box with the pipe, --there's no trusting a man's self with such a thing in such a corner.

Dear uncle Toby! don't go into the sentry-box with the pipe; - you can't trust a man with such a thing in such a corner.


----But she did not know I was under a vow not to shave my beard till I got to _Paris_; ----yet I hate to make mysteries of nothing; ----'tis the cold cautiousness of one of those little souls from which _Lessius_ (_lib._ 13, _de moribus divinis, cap._ 24) hath made his estimate, wherein he setteth forth, That one _Dutch_ mile, cubically multiplied, will allow room enough, and to spare, for eight hundred thousand millions, which he supposes to be as great a number of souls (counting from the fall of _Adam_) as can possibly be damn'd to the end of the world.

But she did not know I had vowed not to shave my beard till I got to Paris; yet I hate to make mysteries of nothing. 'Tis the cold cautiousness of one of those little souls from which Lessius (De Moribus Divinis, book 13, ch. 24) hath made his estimate, that one Dutch cubic mile will allow room enough for eight hundred thousand million souls, which he supposes to be as many as can possibly be damned to the end of the world.


From what he has made this second estimate----unless from the parental goodness of God --I don't know --I am much more at a loss what could be in _Franciscus Ribbera's_ head, who pretends that no less a space than one of two hundred _Italian_ miles multiplied into itself, will be sufficient to hold the like number----he certainly must have gone upon some of the old _Roman_ souls, of which he had read, without reflecting how much, by a gradual and most tabid decline, in the course of eighteen hundred years, they must unavoidably have shrunk so as to have come, when he wrote, almost to nothing.

I am at a loss as to what could be in Franciscus Ribbera's head, when he pretends that no less a space than two hundred Italian miles cubed will be sufficient to hold the same number - he certainly must have counted some of the old Roman souls, without reflecting how much, by a gradual decline in the course of eighteen hundred years, they must have shrunk almost to nothing.


In _Lessius's_ time, who seems the cooler man, they were as little as can be imagined----
----We find them less _now_----

In Lessius's time, these souls were as little as can be imagined - we find them less now-


And next winter we shall find them less again; so that if we go on from little to less, and from less to nothing, I hesitate not one moment to affirm, that in half a century, at this rate, we shall have no souls at all; which being the period beyond which I doubt likewise of the existence of the Christian faith, 'twill be one advantage that both of 'em will be exactly worn out together.

And next winter we shall find them less again; so that if we go on this way, I have no doubt that in half a century we shall have no souls at all; by that time I doubt likewise of the existence of the Christian faith; both of 'em will be exactly worn out together.


Blessed _Jupiter!_ and blessed every other heathen god and goddess!

Blessed Jupiter! and blessed every other heathen god and goddess!


for now ye will all come into play again, and with _Priapus_ at your tails----what jovial times!

for then ye will all come into play again, with Priapus at your tails - what jovial times!


and into what a delicious riot of things am I rushing?


I ----I who must be cut short in the midst of my days, and taste no more of 'em than what I borrow from my imagination----peace to thee, generous fool!

I, who must be cut short in the midst of my days! - peace to thee, generous fool!


With all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my father's fancy----with so many family prejudices--and ten decads of such tales running on for ever along with them----how was it possible with such exquisite----was it a true nose? ----That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father had, could bear the shock at all below stairs----or indeed above stairs, in any other posture, but the very posture I have described?

With all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my father's fancy - with so many family prejudices - ten decads of such tales - how could a man with such exquisite feelings as my father bear the shock in any other posture, but the very one I have described?


----Throw yourself down upon the bed, a dozen times----taking care only to place a looking-glass first in a chair on one side of it, before you do it --But was the stranger's nose a true nose, or was it a false one?

Throw yourself down upon the bed - only place a looking-glass in a chair beside it, before you do-
- But was the stranger's nose a true nose, or a false one?


To tell that before-hand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth decad, which immediately follows this.

To tell that before-hand, madam, would spoil one of the best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth decad, which immediately follows it.


This tale, cried _Slawkenbergius_, somewhat exultingly, has been reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work; knowing right well, that when I shall have told it, and my reader shall have read it thro'--'twould be even high time for both of us to shut up the book; inasmuch, continues _Slawkenbergius_, as I know of no tale which could possibly ever go down after it.

This tale, cried Slawkenbergius, somewhat exultingly, has been reserved by me for the conclusion of my whole work, as I know of no tale which could possibly ever go down after it.


This sets out with the first interview in the inn at _Lyons_, when _Fernandez_ left the courteous stranger and his sister _Julia_ alone in her chamber, and is over-written

It starts with the first interview in the inn at Lyons, when Fernandez left the courteous stranger and his sister Julia alone in her chamber, and is titled


_THE INTRICACIES_ of _Diego_ and _Julia_


thou art a strange creature, _Slawkenbergius!_ what a whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened!

thou art a strange creature, Slawkenbergius! what a whimsical view of the heart of woman hast thou opened!


how this can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of _Slawkenbergius's_ tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral, should please the world--translated shall a couple of volumes be.


------Else, how this can ever be translated into good _English_, I have no sort of conception.

How this can ever be translated into good English, I have no idea.


--There seems in some passages to want a sixth sense to do it rightly.

There seems a sixth sense needed to do it rightly.


----What can he mean by the lambent pupilability of slow, low, dry chat, five notes below the natural tone----which you know, madam, is little more than a whisper?

What can he mean by 'the lambent pupilability of slow, low, dry chat, five notes below the natural tone' - which you know, madam, is little more than a whisper?


The moment I pronounced the words, I could perceive an attempt towards a vibration in the strings, about the region of the heart.

The moment I pronounced the words, I felt something like a vibration in the heart-strings.


----There's often no good understanding betwixt 'em --I felt as if I understood it.

There's often no good understanding betwixt 'em.


----The movement could not be without cause.


I can make nothing of it--unless, may it please your worships, the voice, in that case being little more than a whisper, unavoidably forces the eyes to approach not only within six inches of each other--but to look into the pupils--is not that dangerous?

I can make nothing of it - unless the voice being little more than a whisper, it forces the eyes to approach within six inches of each other - and to look into the pupils - is not that dangerous?


----But it can't be avoided--for to look up to the ceiling, in that case the two chins unavoidably meet----and to look down into each other's lap, the foreheads come to immediate contact, which at once puts an end to the conference ----I mean to the sentimental part of it.

But it can't be avoided - for if they look up to the ceiling, the two chins unavoidably meet - and if they look down into each other's lap, the foreheads contact, which at once puts an end to the sentimental part of the conference.


----What is left, madam, is not worth stooping for.

- What is left, madam, is not worth stooping for.


My father, as anybody may naturally imagine, came down with my mother into the country, in but a pettish kind of a humour.

After this false alarm, my father, as anybody may imagine, came back down with my mother into the country in a pettish humour.


The first twenty or five-and-twenty miles he did nothing in the world but fret and teaze himself, and indeed my mother too, about the cursed expence, which he said might every shilling of it have been saved; --then what vexed him more than everything else was, the provoking time of the year, --which, as I told you, was towards the end of _September_, when his wall-fruit and green gages especially, in which he was very curious, were just ready for pulling: ----"Had he been whistled up to _London_, upon a _Tom Fool's_ errand, in any other month of the whole year, he should not have said three words about it."

The first five-and-twenty miles he did nothing but fret and tease himself, and indeed my mother too, about the cursed expense, of which he said every shilling might have been saved; - then what vexed him more than everything else was the provoking time of the year, which, as I told you, was late September, when his wall-fruit and greengages were just ready for picking. 'Had he been whistled up to London upon a Fool's errand in any other month, he should not have cared.'


For the next two whole stages, no subject would go down, but the heavy blow he had sustain'd from the loss of a son, whom it seems he had fully reckon'd upon in his mind, and register'd down in his pocket-book, as a second staff for his old age, in case _Bobby_ should fail him.

For the next few miles, his subject was the heavy blow he had sustained from the loss of a son, whom he had reckoned upon as a second staff for his old age, if Bobby should fail him.


The disappointment of this, he said, was ten times more to a wise man, than all the money which the journey, etc., had cost him, put together, --rot the hundred and twenty pounds, ----he did not mind it a rush.

The disappointment of this, he said, was ten times more than all the money which the journey had cost: rot the hundred and twenty pounds, he did not mind it a rush.


From _Stilton_, all the way to _Grantham_, nothing in the whole affair provoked him so much as the condolences of his friends, and the foolish figure they should both make at church, the first _Sunday_; ----of which, in the satirical vehemence of his wit, now sharpen'd a little by vexation, he would give so many humorous and provoking descriptions, --and place his rib and self in so many tormenting lights and attitudes in the face of the whole congregation; --that my mother declared, these two stages were so truly tragi-comical, that she did nothing but laugh and cry in a breath, from one end to the other of them all the way.

From Stilton to Grantham, nothing in the whole affair provoked him so much as the condolences of his friends, and the foolish figure they should both make at church on Sunday; of which he gave so many satirical descriptions that my mother declared, on these two stages she did nothing but laugh and cry in a breath, all the way.


From _Grantham_, till they had cross'd the _Trent_, my father was out of all kind of patience at the vile trick and imposition which he fancied my mother had put upon him in this affair-- "Certainly," he would say to himself, over and over again, "the woman could not be deceived herself----if she could, ----what weakness!"

From Grantham till they had crossed the Trent, my father was out of patience at the vile trick which he fancied my mother had played him.
'Certainly,' he said to himself, over and over again, 'the woman could not be deceived. If she could, what weakness!'


--which led his imagination a thorny dance, and, before all was over, play'd the duce and all with him; ----for sure as ever the word _weakness_ was uttered, and struck full upon his brain--so sure it set him upon running divisions upon how many kinds of weaknesses there were; ----that there was such a thing as weakness of the body, ----as well as weakness of the mind, --and then he would do nothing but syllogize within himself for a stage or two together, How far the cause of all these vexations might, or might not, have arisen out of himself.

which led his imagination a thorny dance, and played the deuce with him; for as soon as the word weakness was uttered, it set him upon counting how many kinds of weaknesses there were, of body and mind; and then he would brood for a stage or two together, how far the cause of these vexations might have arisen out of himself.


In short, he had so many little subjects of disquietude springing out of this one affair, all fretting successively in his mind as they rose up in it, that my mother, whatever was her journey up, had but an uneasy journey of it down.

All in all, he had so many disquieting subjects fretting in his mind, that my mother, whatever her journey up, had but an uneasy journey of it down.


----In a word, as she complained to my uncle _Toby_, he would have tired out the patience of any flesh alive.

In a word, (as she complained to my uncle Toby,) he would have tired out the patience of any flesh alive.


Yorick was this parson's name, and, what is very remarkable in it (as appears from a most ancient account of the family, wrote upon strong vellum, and now in perfect preservation) it had been exactly so spelt for near, ----I was within an ace of saying nine hundred years; ----but I would not shake my credit in telling an improbable truth, however indisputable in itself; ----and therefore I shall content myself with only saying ----It had been exactly so spelt, without the least variation or transposition of a single letter, for I do not know how long; which is more than I would venture to say of one half of the best surnames in the kingdom; which, in a course of years, have generally undergone as many chops and changes as their owners.

Yorick was this parson's name, and, what is very remarkable (as appears from an ancient account of the family, wrote upon strong vellum, and in perfect preservation) it had been spelt exactly so for near - I almost said nine hundred years; but I would not risk my credit in telling an improbable truth, however indisputable; - and therefore I shall only say - it had been exactly so spelt for I do not know how long; which is more than I would venture to say of half of the best surnames in the kingdom, which, through the years, have generally undergone as many chops and changes as their owners.


--Has this been owing to the pride, or to the shame of the respective proprietors?


--In honest truth, I think sometimes to the one, and sometimes to the other, just as the temptation has wrought.


But a villainous affair it is, and will one day so blend and confound us altogether, that no one shall be able to stand up and swear, "That his own great grandfather was the man who did either this or that."

A villainous affair it is, that no one can stand up and swear, 'That his own great grandfather was the man who did this or that.'


This evil had been sufficiently fenced against by the prudent care of the _Yorick's_ family, and their religious preservation of these records I quote, which do farther inform us, That the family was originally of _Danish_ extraction, and had been transplanted into _England_ as early as in the reign of _Horwendillus_, king of _Denmark_, in whose court, it seems, an ancestor of this Mr. _Yorick's_, and from whom he was lineally descended, held a considerable post to the day of his death.

This evil had been fenced against by the prudent care of Yorick's family, and their religious preservation of these records, which farther inform us that the family was originally of Danish extraction, and had come to England in the reign of Horwendillus, king of Denmark, in whose court, it seems, an ancestor of Mr. Yorick's held an important post.


Of what nature this considerable post was, this record saith not; --It only adds, That, for near two centuries, it had been totally abolished, as altogether unnecessary, not only in that court, but in every other court of the Christian world.

Of what nature this post was, this record says not. It only adds that for two centuries, it had been totally abolished, as unnecessary in every court of the Christian world.


It has often come into my head, that this post could be no other than that of the king's chief Jester; --and that _Hamlet's Yorick_, in our _Shakespeare_, many of whose plays, you know, are founded upon authenticated facts, was certainly the very man.

It has often come into my head, that this post could be no other than that of the king's Jester; and that Hamlet's Yorick, in our Shakespeare, many of whose plays, you know, are founded upon facts, was certainly the very man.


I have not the time to look into _Saxo-Grammaticus's Danish_ history, to know the certainty of this; --but if you have leisure, and can easily get at the book, you may do it full as well yourself.

I have not the time to look into Saxo-Grammaticus's Danish history, to be certain of this; but if you have leisure, and can easily get at the book, you may do it as well yourself.


I had just time, in my travels through _Denmark_ with Mr. _Noddy's_ eldest son, whom, in the year 1741, I accompanied as governor, riding along with him at a prodigious rate thro' most parts of _Europe_, and of which original journey performed by us two, a most delectable narrative will be given in the progress of this work; I had just time, I say, and that was all, to prove the truth of an observation made by a long sojourner in that country; ----namely, "That nature was neither very lavish, nor was she very stingy in her gifts of genius and capacity to its inhabitants; --but, like a discreet parent, was moderately kind to them all; observing such an equal tenor in the distribution of her favours, as to bring them, in those points, pretty near to a level with each other; so that you will meet with few instances in that kingdom of refined parts; but a great deal of good plain household understanding amongst all ranks of people, of which everybody has a share;" which is, I think, very right.

In my travels through Denmark with Mr. Noddy's eldest son, whom, in 1741, I accompanied as tutor, riding with him at a prodigious rate through Europe, and of which journey a most delectable narrative will be given in the progress of this work - in my travels I proved the truth of an observation made by one who had stayed long in Denmark; namely, 'That nature was neither lavish not stingy in her gifts of genius to its inhabitants; but, like a discreet parent, was moderately kind to them all; distributing her favours so equally as to bring them pretty level with each other; so that you will meet with few instances of refinement in that kingdom; but a great deal of good plain household understanding amongst all ranks of people;' which is, I think, very right.


With us, you see, the case is quite different: --we are all ups and downs in this matter; --you are a great genius; --or 'tis fifty to one, Sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead; --not that there is a total want of intermediate steps, --no, --we are not so irregular as that comes to; --but the two extremes are more common, and in a greater degree in this unsettled island, where nature, in her gifts and dispositions of this kind, is most whimsical and capricious; fortune herself not being more so in the bequest of her goods and chattels than she.

With us, you see, the case is quite different: - we are all ups and downs; you are a great genius; - or 'tis fifty to one, Sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead. Not that there is a total lack of steps in between; - but the two extremes are more common in this unsettled island, where nature is whimsical and capricious in her gifts.


This is all that ever staggered my faith in regard to _Yorick's_ extraction, who, by what I can remember of him, and by all the accounts I could ever get of him, seemed not to have had one single drop of _Danish_ blood in his whole crasis; in nine hundred years, it might possibly have all run out: ----I will not philosophize one moment with you about it; for happen how it would, the fact was this: --That instead of that cold phlegm and exact regularity of sense and humours, you would have looked for, in one so extracted; --he was, on the contrary, as mercurial and sublimated a composition, --as heteroclite a creature in all his declensions; --with as much life and whim, and _gait de cur_ about him, as the kindliest climate could have engendered and put together.

This is all that shook my faith in regard to Yorick's ancestry - for he seemed not to have one single drop of phlegmatic blood in his body; in nine hundred years, it might have all run out. Instead of that cold phlegm and sense you would have looked for in one of Danish extraction, he was, on the contrary, mercurial, with as much life and whim and gaiety as the kindliest climate could have engendered.


With all this sail, poor _Yorick_ carried not one ounce of ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world; and, at the age of twenty-six, knew just about as well how to steer his course in it, as a romping, unsuspicious girl of thirteen: So that upon his first setting out, the brisk gale of his spirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul ten times in a day of somebody's tackling; and as the grave and more slow-paced were oftenest in his way, ----you may likewise imagine, 'twas with such he had generally the ill luck to get the most entangled.

With all this sail, poor Yorick carried not one ounce of ballast; he was utterly unpractised in the world; and, at the age of twenty-six, knew as much about it as a romping, unsuspicious girl of thirteen. So the brisk gale of his spirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul of somebody ten times in a day; and as the grave and more slow-paced were oftenest in his way, 'twas with such he had generally the ill luck to get the most entangled.


For aught I know there might be some mixture of unlucky wit at the bottom of such _Fracas_: ----For, to speak the truth, _Yorick_ had an invincible dislike and opposition in his nature to gravity; --not to gravity as such; --for where gravity was wanted, he would be the most grave or serious of mortal men for days and weeks together; --but he was an enemy to the affectation of it, and declared open war against it, only as it appeared a cloak for ignorance, or for folly: and then, whenever it fell in his way, however sheltered and protected, he seldom gave it much quarter.

To speak the truth, Yorick had an invincible dislike and opposition to gravity - not to gravity as such, for where gravity was needed, he would be the most grave of men - but he hated the affectation of it, and declared open war against it when it was a cloak for ignorance or folly.


Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would say that Gravity was an errant scoundrel, and he would add, --of the most dangerous kind too, --because a sly one; and that he verily believed, more honest, well-meaning people were bubbled out of their goods and money by it in one twelve-month, than by pocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven.

Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would say that Gravity was a sly and dangerous scoundrel; and that more honest people were bubbled out of their goods and money by it in one year, than by pocket-picking and shop-lifting in seven.


In the naked temper which a merry heart discovered, he would say, there was no danger, --but to itself: --whereas the very essence of gravity was design, and consequently deceit; --'twas a taught trick to gain credit of the world for more sense and knowledge than a man was worth; and that, with all its pretensions, --it was no better, but often worse, than what a _French_ wit had long ago defined it, --_viz._ _A mysterious carriage of the body to cover the defects of the mind_; --which definition of gravity, _Yorick_, with great imprudence, would say, deserved to be wrote in letters of gold.

He would say, there was no danger in merriment: whereas the very essence of gravity was deceit; 'twas a trick to gain credit for more sense and knowledge than a man was worth. A French wit called gravity 'A mysterious carriage of the body to cover the defects of the mind'; which, Yorick would say, deserved to be wrote in letters of gold.


But, in plain truth, he was a man unhackneyed and unpractised in the world, and was altogether as indiscreet and foolish on every other subject of discourse where policy is wont to impress restraint.

But, in truth, he was a man unpractised in the world, and was altogether as indiscreet and foolish on every subject.


_Yorick_ had no impression but one, and that was what arose from the nature of the deed spoken of; which impression he would usually translate into plain _English_ without any periphrasis; --and too oft without much distinction of either person, time, or place; --so that when mention was made of a pitiful or an ungenerous proceeding----he never gave himself a moment's time to reflect who was the hero of the piece, ----what his station, ----or how far he had power to hurt him hereafter; ----but if it was a dirty action, --without more ado, --The man was a dirty fellow, --and so on.

Yorick would express himself bluntly, without considering either person, time, or place; so that if mention was made of an ungenerous proceeding, he never gave himself time to reflect who was the hero of the piece, what his position was, or how far the man had power to hurt him hereafter; - but if it was a dirty action, he called the man a dirty fellow - and so on.


--And as his comments had usually the ill fate to be terminated either in a _bon mot_, or to be enlivened throughout with some drollery or humour of expression, it gave wings to _Yorick's_ indiscretion.

As his comments were usually enlivened with humour, it gave wings to Yorick's indiscretion.


In a word, tho' he never sought, yet, at the same time, as he seldom shunned occasions of saying what came uppermost, and without much ceremony; ----he had but too many temptations in life, of scattering his wit and his humour, --his gibes and his jests about him.

Although he never sought occasions for speaking out, he had too many temptations of scattering his wit and his jests.


----They were not lost for want of gathering.


What were the consequences, and what was _Yorick's_ catastrophe thereupon, you will read in the next chapter.

What were the consequences, and what was Yorick's catastrophe thereupon, you will read in the next chapter.


Stay ----I have a small account to settle with the reader before _Trim_ can go on with his harangue.

Stay - I have a small account to settle with the reader before Trim can go on with his speech.


Amongst many other book-debts, all of which I shall discharge in due time, --I own myself a debtor to the world for two items, --a chapter upon _chamber-maids and button-holes_, which, in the former part of my work, I promised and fully intended to pay off this year: but some of your worships and reverences telling me, that the two subjects, especially so connected together, might endanger the morals of the world, --I pray the chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes may be forgiven me, --and that they will accept of the last chapter in lieu of it; which is nothing, an't please your reverences, but a chapter of _chamber-maids, green gowns, and old hats_.

Amongst many other book-debts, I owe the world a chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes, which I promised earlier: but since some of your worships tell me that these two subjects, especially connected, might endanger the world's morals, - I pray that the chapter upon chamber-maids and button-holes may be forgiven me, and that they will accept the last chapter instead; which is nothing but a chapter of chamber-maids, green gowns, and old hats.


_Trim_ took his off the ground, --put it upon his head, --and then went on with his oration upon death, in manner and form following.

Trim took his hat off the ground, put it upon his head, and then went on with his oration upon death.


Albeit, gentle reader, I have lusted earnestly, and endeavoured carefully (according to the measure of such a slender skill as God has vouchsafed me, and as convenient leisure from other occasions of needful profit and healthful pastime have permitted) that these little books which I here put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger books--yet have I carried myself towards thee in such fanciful guise of careless disport, that right sore am I ashamed now to intreat thy lenity seriously------in beseeching thee to believe it of me, that in the story of my father and his christian-names --I have no thoughts of treading upon _Francis_ the First----nor in the affair of the nose--upon _Francis_ the Ninth--nor in the character of my uncle _Toby_----of characterizing the militiating spirits of my country--the wound upon his groin, is a wound to every comparison of that kind--nor by _Trim_--that I meant the duke of _Ormond_----or that my book is wrote against predestination, or free-will, or taxes --If 'tis wrote against any thing, ----'tis wrote, an' please your worships, against the spleen!

Although, gentle reader, I have endeavoured carefully (with such slender skill as God has given me,) that these little books which I here put into thy hands, might stand instead of many bigger books - yet I have been so fanciful and careless, that I am ashamed, and assure thee that I have no thoughts of treading upon Francis the First. Nor, in the character of my uncle Toby, do I mean to characterize the military of my country - and by Trim, I do not mean the duke of Ormond - and if my book is wrote against free-will, or taxes, or any thing - 'tis wrote, your worships, against the spleen!


in order, by a more frequent and a more convulsive elevation and depression of the diaphragm, and the succussations of the intercostal and abdominal muscles in laughter, to drive the _gall_ and other _bitter juices_ from the gallbladder, liver, and sweet-bread of his majesty's subjects, with all the inimicitious passions which belong to them, down into their duodenums.

- in order, by convulsive movements of the diaphragm, and the shaking of the abdominal muscles in laughter, to drive the gall and other bitter juices from the organs of his majesty's subjects, down into their duodenums.


My brother does it, quoth my uncle _Toby_, out of _principle_.

'My brother does it,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'out of principle.'


----In a family way, I suppose, quoth Dr. _Slop_.

'In a family way, I suppose,' quoth Dr. Slop.


--said my father, --'tis not worth talking of.

said my father, ''tis not worth talking of.'


Whether _Susannah_, by taking her hand too suddenly from off the corporal's shoulder (by the whisking about of her passions)----broke a little the chain of his reflexions----

Whether Susannah, by taking her hand too suddenly off the corporal's shoulder, broke the chain of his reflections-


Or whether the corporal began to be suspicious, he had got into the doctor's quarters, and was talking more like the chaplain than himself------

Or whether the corporal began to suspect he was talking more like the chaplain than himself-


Or whether - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Or whether----for in all such cases a man of invention and parts may with pleasure fill a couple of pages with suppositions----which of all these was the cause, let the curious physiologist, or the curious anybody determine----'tis certain, at least, the corporal went on thus with his harangue.


For my own part, I declare it, that out of doors, I value not death at all: --not this ... added the corporal, snapping his fingers, --but with an air which no one but the corporal could have given to the sentiment. --In battle, I value death not this . . .

'For my own part, I declare that in battle, I do not care this for death.' He snapped his fingers.


and let him not take me cowardly, like poor _Joe Gibbins_, in scouring his gun --What is he?

'Let death not take me in a cowardly way, like poor Joe Gibbins, in cleaning his gun.


A pull of a trigger--a push of a bayonet an inch this way or that--makes the difference. --Look along the line--to the right--see!

A pull of a trigger - a push of a bayonet - look along the line - see!


well, --'tis worth a regiment of horse to him.


--Never mind which, --we pass on, --in hot pursuit the wound itself which brings him is not felt, --the best way is to stand up to him, --the man who flies, is in ten times more danger than the man who marches up into his jaws.

No matter which it is; we pass on. In hot pursuit the wound which brings death is not felt. The man who flees is in ten times more danger than the man who marches up into the jaws of death.


--I've look'd him, added the corporal, an hundred times in the face, --and know what he is.

I've looked him in the face a hundred times, and know what he is.


--He's nothing, _Obadiah_, at all in the field.

He's nothing, Obadiah, on the battlefield.'


--But he's very frightful in a house, quoth _Obadiah_.

'But he's very frightful in a house,' quoth Obadiah.


----I never mind it myself, said _Jonathan_, upon a coach-box.

'I never mind it in a coach-box,' said Jonathan.


--It must, in my opinion, be most natural in bed, replied _Susannah_.

'It must, in my opinion, be most natural in bed,' said Susannah.


--And could I escape him by creeping into the worst calf's skin that ever was made into a knapsack, I would do it there--said _Trim_--but that is nature.

'And if I could escape him there, I would,' said Trim, - 'but that is nature.'


--And that is the reason, cried _Susannah_, I so much pity my mistress.

'And that is why,' cried Susannah, 'I so much pity my mistress.


--Now I pity the captain the most of any one in the family, answered _Trim_.

'I pity the captain the most,' answered Trim.


----Madam will get ease of heart in weeping, --and the Squire in talking about it, --but my poor master will keep it all in silence to himself, --I shall hear him sigh in his bed for a whole month together, as he did for lieutenant _Le Fever_.

'Madam will get ease of heart in weeping, and the Squire in talking about it, - but my poor master will keep it all in silence to himself. I shall hear him sigh in his bed for a whole month, as he did for lieutenant Le Fever.


--An' please your honour, do not sigh so piteously, I would say to him as I laid besides him.

"Your honour, do not sigh so piteously," I would say.


I cannot help it, _Trim_, my master would say, ----'tis so melancholy an accident --I cannot get it off my heart.

"I cannot help it, Trim," my master would reply, "'tis so sad, I cannot get it off my heart."


--I hope, _Trim_, I fear nothing, he would say, but the doing a wrong thing.

"I fear nothing, Trim," he would say, "but doing a wrong thing.


----Well, he would add, whatever betides, I will take care of _Le Fever's_ boy.

Well, I will take care of Le Fever's boy."


--And with that, like a quieting draught, his honour would fall asleep.

And with that, like a medicine, he would fall asleep.'


I like to hear _Trim's_ stories about the captain, said _Susannah_.

'I like to hear Trim's stories about the captain,' said Susannah.


--He is a kindly-hearted gentleman, said _Obadiah_, as ever lived.

'He is a kindly-hearted gentleman,' said Obadiah.


--Aye, and as brave a one too, said the corporal, as ever stept before a platoon.

'Aye, and a brave one too,' said the corporal.


--There never was a better officer in the king's army, --or a better man in God's world; for he would march up to the mouth of a cannon, though he saw the lighted match at the very touch-hole, --and yet, for all that, he has a heart as soft as a child for other people.

'There never was a better officer, or a better man: for he would march up to the cannon's mouth - and yet he has a heart as soft as a child for other people.


----I would sooner, quoth _Jonathan_, drive such a gentleman for seven pounds a year--than some for eight.

'I would sooner,' quoth Jonathan, 'drive such a gentleman for seven pounds a year, than some for eight.'


--Thank thee, _Jonathan!_ for thy twenty shillings, --as much, _Jonathan_, said the corporal, shaking him by the hand, as if thou hadst put the money into my own pocket.

'Thank thee, Jonathan!' said the corporal, shaking his hand.


----I would serve him to the day of my death out of love.

'I would serve him to the day of my death out of love.


He is a friend and a brother to me, --and could I be sure my poor brother _Tom_ was dead, --continued the corporal, taking out his handkerchief, --was I worth ten thousand pounds, I would leave every shilling of it to the captain.

He is a friend and a brother to me, and if I was only sure my poor brother Tom was dead, and if I was worth ten thousand pounds, I would leave every shilling to the captain.'


----_Trim_ could not refrain from tears at this testamentary proof he gave of his affection to his master.

Trim could not refrain from tears at this idea.


--Do tell us the story of the poor lieutenant, said _Susannah_.

'Do tell us the story of the poor lieutenant,' said Susannah.


----With all my heart, answered the corporal.

'With all my heart,' answered the corporal.


_Susannah_, the cook, _Jonathan_, _Obadiah_, and corporal _Trim_, formed a circle about the fire; and as soon as the scullion had shut the kitchen door, --the corporal begun.

They formed a circle about the fire; and as soon as the scullery-maid had shut the door, the corporal began.


I am glad of it, said I, settling the account with myself, as I walk'd into _Lyons_----my chaise being all laid higgledy-piggledy with my baggage in a cart, which was moving slowly before me ----I am heartily glad, said I, that 'tis all broke to pieces; for now I can go directly by water to _Avignon_, which will carry me on a hundred and twenty miles of my journey, and not cost me seven livres----and from thence, continued I, bringing forwards the account, I can hire a couple of mules--or asses, if I like (for nobody knows me) and cross the plains of _Languedoc_ for almost nothing ----I shall gain four hundred livres by the misfortune clear into my purse: and pleasure! worth--worth double the money by it.

'I am glad of it,' said I, as I walked into Lyons - my chaise being all laid higgledy-piggledy with my baggage in a cart, which was moving slowly before me -
'I am heartily glad,' said I, 'that 'tis all broke to pieces; for now I can go directly and cheaply by water to Avignon, which will carry me on a hundred and twenty miles of my journey, - and from thence, I can hire a couple of mules and cross the plains of Languedoc for almost nothing. I shall gain four hundred livres by the misfortune: and pleasure worth double the money.


With what velocity, continued I, clapping my two hands together, shall I fly down the rapid _Rhone_, with the VIVARES on my right hand, and DAUPHINY on my left, scarce seeing the ancient cities of VIENNE, _Valence_, and _Vivieres_.

How fast I shall fly down the rapid Rhone, scarce seeing the ancient cities of Vienne, Valence, and Vivieres!


What a flame will it rekindle in the lamp, to snatch a blushing grape from the _Hermitage_ and _Cte roti_, as I shoot by the foot of them!

I shall snatch a blushing grape from the Hermitage and Cte roti, as I shoot by them!


to behold upon the banks advancing and retiring, the castles of romance, whence courteous knights have whilome rescued the distress'd----and see vertiginous, the rocks, the mountains, the cataracts, and all the hurry which Nature is in with all her great works about her.

to behold upon the banks the castles of romance, where courteous knights have rescued the distressed, and to see the mountains, the cataracts, and Nature with all her great works about her.'


As I went on thus, methought my chaise, the wreck of which look'd stately enough at the first, insensibly grew less and less in its size; the freshness of the painting was no more--the gilding lost its lustre--and the whole affair appeared so poor in my eyes--so sorry!

As I went on thus, methought my chaise grew gradually smaller; the freshness of the painting was no more - the gilding lost its lustre - and the whole thing appeared so sorry!


and, in a word, so much worse than the abbess of _Andoillets'_ itself--that I was just opening my mouth to give it to the devil--when a pert vamping chaise-undertaker, stepping nimbly across the street, demanded if Monsieur would have his chaise refitted ----No, no, said I, shaking my head sideways --Would Monsieur chuse to sell it?

- that I was just about to curse it to the devil - when a pert chaise-undertaker, stepping nimbly across the street, demanded if Monsieur would have his chaise refitted?
'No, no,' said I.
'Would Monsieur sell it?'


--With all my soul, said I--the iron work is worth forty livres--and the glasses worth forty more--and the leather you may take to live on.

'With all my soul,' said I. 'The iron work is worth forty livres - and the windows forty more.'


What a mine of wealth, quoth I, as he counted me the money, has this post-chaise brought me in?

What wealth this post-chaise brought me!


And this is my usual method of book-keeping, at least with the disasters of life--making a penny of every one of 'em as they happen to me----

This is my usual method of book-keeping - making a penny of every disaster that happens to me-


----Do, my dear _Jenny_, tell the world for me, how I behaved under one, the most oppressive of its kind, which could befal me as a man, proud as he ought to be of his manhood----

Do, my dear Jenny, tell the world how I behaved under the most oppressive disaster which could befall me as a man proud of his manhood-


'Tis enough, saidst thou, coming close up to me, as I stood with my garters in my hand, reflecting upon what had _not_ pass'd----'Tis enough, _Tristram_, and I am satisfied, saidst thou, whispering these words in my ear, **** ** **** *** ******; --**** ** **----any other man would have sunk down to the center----

''Tis enough,' saidst thou to me, as I stood with my garters in my hand, reflecting upon what had not happened. ''Tis enough, Tristram, and I am satisfied,' thou saidst, whispering in my ear: '**** ** **** *** ******; **** ** **.' - Any other man would have sunk down to the centre.


----Everything is good for something, quoth I.

'Everything is good for something,' quoth I.


----I'll go into _Wales_ for six weeks, and drink goat's whey--and I'll gain seven years longer life for the accident.


For which reason I think myself inexcusable, for blaming fortune so often as I have done, for pelting me all my life long, like an ungracious duchess, as I call'd her, with so many small evils: surely, if I have any cause to be angry with her, 'tis that she has not sent me great ones--a score of good cursed, bouncing losses, would have been as good as a pension to me.

So I should not blame fortune so often as I have done, for pelting me all my life with so many small evils: surely, I should be angry that fortune has not sent me great ones. A score of good cursed, bouncing losses, would have been as good as a pension to me.


----One of a hundred a year, or so, is all I wish --I would not be at the plague of paying land-tax for a larger.


We are ruin'd and undone, my child, said the abbess to _Margarita_, ----we shall be here all night----we shall be plunder'd----we shall be ravish'd----

'We are ruined and undone, my child,' said the abbess to Margarita; 'we shall be here all night - we shall be plundered and ravished-'


----We shall be ravish'd, said _Margarita_, as sure as a gun.

'We shall be ravished,' said Margarita, 'as sure as a gun.'


_Sancta Maria!_ cried the abbess (forgetting the _O!_)--why was I govern'd by this wicked stiff joint?

'Sancta Maria!' cried the abbess, 'why was I governed by this knee?


why did I leave the convent of _Andoillets?_ and why didst thou not suffer thy servant to go unpolluted to her tomb?

why did I leave the convent? why didst thou not let thy servant die unpolluted?'


cried the novice, catching fire at the word _servant_--why was I not content to put it here, or there, any where rather than be in this strait?

cried the novice, 'I would rather be anywhere than in this strait!'


Strait----said the novice; for terror had struck their understandings---- the one knew not what she said----the other what she answer'd.


----But 'tis no marvel, continued the corporal--seeing my uncle _Toby_ musing upon it--for Love, an' please your honour, is exactly like war, in this; that a soldier, though he has escaped three weeks complete o' _Saturday_ night, --may nevertheless be shot through his heart on _Sunday_ morning----_It happened so here_, an' please your honour, with this difference only--that it was on _Sunday_ in the afternoon, when I fell in love all at once with a sisserara ----It burst upon me, an' please your honour, like a bomb----scarce giving me time to say, "God bless me."

'But 'tis no marvel,' continued the corporal, seeing my uncle Toby musing - 'for Love, your honour, is exactly like war, in this; that a soldier, even though he has escaped three weeks by Saturday night, may nevertheless be shot through his heart on Sunday morning. It happened so here, only it was on Sunday afternoon when I fell in love all at once - it burst upon me, your honour, like a bomb - scarce giving me time to say, "God bless me."'


I thought, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, a man never fell in love so very suddenly.

'I thought,' said my uncle, 'a man never fell in love so suddenly.


Yes, an' please your honour, if he is in the way of it----replied _Trim_.


I prithee, quoth my uncle _Toby_, inform me how this matter happened.


----With all pleasure, said the corporal, making a bow.

'With pleasure,' said the corporal, bowing.


My uncle _Toby_ had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedge, which separated his kitchen-garden from his bowling-green, when he perceived the corporal had begun the attack without him.------

My uncle Toby had scarce turned the corner of his yew hedge, which separated his kitchen-garden from his bowling-green, when he perceived the corporal had begun the attack without him.


Let me stop and give you a picture of the corporal's apparatus; and of the corporal himself in the height of his attack, just as it struck my uncle _Toby_, as he turned towards the sentry-box, where the corporal was at work, ----for in nature there is not such another, ----nor can any combination of all that is grotesque and whimsical in her works produce its equal.

Let me describe the corporal's apparatus, and his attack, just as it struck my uncle Toby, as he turned towards the sentry-box where the corporal was at work.


----Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of genius, ----for he was your kinsman:

- Tread lightly on his ashes, ye men of genius, for he was your kinsman.


Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness, --for he was your brother.

Weed his grave clean, ye men of goodness, for he was your brother.


had I thee, but now, --now, that I am able to give thee a dinner and protection, --how would I cherish thee!

had I thee, now - how would I cherish thee!


thou should'st wear thy Montero-cap every hour of the day, and every day of the week, --and when it was worn out, I would purchase thee a couple like it: ----But alas!

thou should'st wear thy Montero-cap every hour of every day - But alas!


now that I can do this in spite of their reverences--the occasion is lost--for thou art gone; --thy genius fled up to the stars from whence it came; --and that warm heart of thine, with all its generous and open vessels, compressed into a _clod of the valley!_

thou art gone; thy genius fled up to the stars from whence it came - and that warm and generous heart of thine, compressed into a clod of the valley!


----But what----what is this, to that future and dreaded page, where I look towards the velvet pall, decorated with the military ensigns of thy master--the first--the foremost of created beings; ----where, I shall see thee, faithful servant!

- But what is this, to that future and dreaded page, where I look towards the velvet pall, decorated with the military ensigns of thy master - the first of men - where, I shall see thee, faithful servant!


laying his sword and scabbard with a trembling hand across his coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to the door, to take his mourning horse by the bridle, to follow his hearse, as he directed thee; ----where--all my father's systems shall be baffled by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall behold him, as he inspects the lackered plate, twice taking his spectacles from off his nose, to wipe away the dew which nature has shed upon them ----When I see him cast in the rosemary with an air of disconsolation, which cries through my ears, ----O _Toby!_ in what corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow?

laying his sword with a trembling hand across his coffin, and then returning pale as ashes to follow his hearse, as he directed thee; where all my father's systems shall be baffled by his sorrows; and, in spite of his philosophy, I shall behold him twice taking his spectacles from off his nose, to wipe his eyes - when I see him sadly cast in the rosemary - O Toby! in what corner of the world shall I seek thy fellow?


which erst have opened the lips of the dumb in his distress, and made the tongue of the stammerer speak plain----when I shall arrive at this dreaded page, deal not with me, then, with a stinted hand.

which open the lips of the dumb, and make the stammerer speak plain - when I shall arrive at this dreaded page, help me then.


Now in ordinary cases, that is, when I am only stupid, and the thoughts rise heavily and pass gummous through my pen----

Now in ordinary cases - that is, when I am stupid, and the thoughts rise heavily and pass gummous through my pen-


Or that I am got, I know not how, into a cold unmetaphorical vein of infamous writing, and cannot take a plumb-lift out of it _for my soul_; so must be obliged to go on writing like a _Dutch_ commentator to the end of the chapter, unless something be done----

Or when I am got, I know not how, into a cold unmetaphorical vein of infamous writing, and cannot get out of it; so must be obliged to go on writing like a Dutch commentator to the end of the chapter, unless something be done-


----I never stand conferring with pen and ink one moment; for if a pinch of snuff, or a stride or two across the room will not do the business for me --I take a razor at once; and having tried the edge of it upon the palm of my hand, without further ceremony, except that of first lathering my beard, I shave it off; taking care only if I do leave a hair, that it be not a grey one: this done, I change my shirt--put on a better coat--send for my last wig--put my topaz ring upon my finger; and in a word, dress myself from one end to the other of me, after my best fashion.

- I never stop conferring with pen and ink one moment; for if a pinch of snuff, or a stride or two across the room will not do the business for me - I take a razor; and without further ceremony except that of first lathering my beard, I shave. Then I change my shirt - put on a better coat - send for my latest wig - put my topaz ring upon my finger; and in a word, dress myself, from one end to the other, after my best fashion.


Now the devil in hell must be in it, if this does not do: for consider, Sir, as every man chuses to be present at the shaving of his own beard (though there is no rule without an exception), and unavoidably sits over-against himself the whole time it is doing, in case he has a hand in it--the Situation, like all others, has notions of her own to put into the brain.----

Now the devil must be in it, if this does not do: for consider, Sir, as every man is present at the shaving of his own beard - the Situation puts her own notion into the brain.


----I maintain it, the conceits of a rough-bearded man, are seven years more terse and juvenile for one single operation; and if they did not run a risk of being quite shaved away, might be carried up by continual shavings, to the highest pitch of sublimity --How _Homer_ could write with so long a beard, I don't know----and as it makes against my hypothesis, I as little care ----But let us return to the Toilet.

- I maintain that the ideas of a rough-bearded man are seven years more terse for one single shave; and if they did not risk being quite shaved away, might be carried up by continual shavings to the highest pitch of sublimity. How Homer could write with so long a beard, I don't know - and as it defies my hypothesis, I don't care. - But let us return to the dress.


_Ludovicus Sorbonensis_ makes this entirely an affair of the body ( ) as he calls it----but he is deceived: the soul and body are joint-sharers in everything they get: A man cannot dress, but his ideas get cloath'd at the same time; and if he dresses like a gentleman, every one of them stands presented to his imagination, genteelized along with him--so that he has nothing to do, but take his pen, and write like himself.

Ludovicus Sorbonensis makes this entirely an affair of the body; but he is deceived: the soul and body are joint-sharers in everything they get. A man cannot dress without his ideas getting clothed at the same time; and if he dresses like a gentleman, every one of them stands presented to his imagination, genteelized along with him - so that he has nothing to do, but take his pen, and write like himself.


For this cause, when your honours and reverences would know whether I writ clean and fit to be read, you will be able to judge full as well by looking into my Laundress's bill, as my book: there was one single month in which I can make it appear, that I dirtied one and thirty shirts with clean writing; and after all, was more abus'd, cursed, criticis'd, and confounded, and had more mystic heads shaken at me, for what I had wrote in that one month, than in all the other months of that year put together.

And so, when your honours would know whether I wrote clean and fit to be read, you will be able to judge full as well by looking into my Laundress's bill, as my book. There was one single month in which I dirtied thirty shirts with clean writing; and yet was more abused, cursed, and criticised for what I had wrote in that one month, than in all the other months of that year put together.


----But their honours and reverences had not seen my bills.


What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your worships, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and lies!

What a jovial and merry world would this be, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, melancholy, impositions, and lies!


Doctor _Slop_, like a son of a w----, as my father called him for it, --to exalt himself, --debased me to death, --and made ten thousand times more of _Susannah's_ accident, than there was any grounds for; so that in a week's time, or less, it was in everybody's mouth, _That poor Master Shandy_ * * * * * * * * entirely.

Doctor Slop, like a son of a w____, (as my father called him,) to exalt himself, debased me to death - and made ten thousand times more of Susannah's accident than there was any grounds for; so that in a week's time, it was in everybody's mouth, That poor Master Shandy * * * * * * * * entirely.


--And FAME, who loves to double everything, --in three days more, had sworn, positively she saw it, --and all the world, as usual, gave credit to her evidence---- "That the nursery window had not only * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ;----but that * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 's also."

And Fame, who loves to double everything, in three days more, had sworn - and all the world, as usual, believed her - 'That the nursery window had not only * * * * * * * * * * *; but that * * * * * * * * * * * also."


Could the world have been sued like a BODY-CORPORATE, --my father had brought an action upon the case, and trounced it sufficiently; but to fall foul of individuals about it----as every soul who had mentioned the affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable; ----'twas like flying in the very face of his best friends: ----And yet to acquiesce under the report, in silence--was to acknowledge it openly, --at least in the opinion of one half of the world; and to make a bustle again, in contradicting it, --was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the other half.------

Could the world have been sued, my father would have done so, and trounced it; but as every soul who mentioned the affair, did it with the greatest pity imaginable, 'twas like flying in the face of his best friends.
And yet to be silent was to acknowledge the report, at least in the opinion of half the world; and to make a bustle in contradicting it, was to confirm it as strongly in the opinion of the other half.


----Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered?

'Was ever poor devil of a country gentleman so hampered?'


I would shew him publickly, said my uncle _Toby_, at the market cross.

'I would show him publicly,' said my uncle Toby, 'at the market cross.'


----'Twill have no effect, said my father.

''Twill have no effect,' said my father.


We are now going to enter upon a new scene of events.------


----Leave we then the breeches in the taylor's hands, with my father standing over him with his cane, reading him as he sat at work a lecture upon the _latus clavus_, and pointing to the precise part of the waistband, where he was determined to have it sewed on.----

- Leave we then the breeches in the tailor's hands, with my father standing over him as he works, reading him a lecture upon the latus clavus, and pointing to the precise part of the waistband where he wanted it sewed on.


Leave we my mother--(truest of all the _Pococurantes_ of her sex!)--careless about it, as about everything else in the world which concerned her; --that is, --indifferent whether it was done this way or that, --provided it was but done at all.----

Leave we my mother, careless about it, as about everything else in the world which concerned her; that is, indifferent as to how it was done, provided it was but done at all.


Leave we _Slop_ likewise to the full profits of all my dishonours.------

Leave we Slop likewise to the profits of my dishonours.


Leave we poor _Le Fever_ to recover, and get home from _Marseilles_ as he can.

Leave we poor Le Fever to get home from Marseilles as best he can.


----And last of all, --because the hardest of all----

And last of all, because the hardest of all-


Let us leave, if possible, _myself_: ----But 'tis impossible, --I must go along with you to the end of the work.

Let us leave, if possible, myself. - But 'tis impossible; I must go along with you to the end of the work.


In popped Corporal _Trim_ with _Stevinus_: --But 'twas too late, --all the discourse had been exhausted without him, and was running into a new channel.

in popped Corporal Trim with Stevinus, too late - for the conversation had run into a new channel.


--You may take the book home again, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, nodding to him.

'You may take the book home again, Trim,' said my uncle Toby.


But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, drolling, --look first into it, and see if thou canst spy aught of a sailing chariot in it.

'But prithee, Corporal,' quoth my father, with drollery, - 'first look into it, and see if thou canst spy a sailing chariot.'


Corporal _Trim_, by being in the service, had learned to obey, --and not to remonstrate; --so taking the book to a side-table, and running over the leaves; An' please your Honour, said _Trim_, I can see no such thing; --however, continued the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn, I'll make sure work of it, an' please your Honour; --so taking hold of the two covers of the book, one in each hand, and letting the leaves fall down, as he bent the covers back, he gave the book a good sound shake.

Corporal Trim had learned to obey; so taking the book to a side-table, and running through the leaves; he said, 'Your Honour, I can see no such thing; however,' he continued, drolling a little in his turn, 'I'll make sure of it.' Bending the covers back, he gave the book a good sound shake.


There is something falling out, however, said _Trim_, an' please your Honour; --but it is not a chariot, or anything like one: --Prithee, Corporal, said my father, smiling, what is it then?

'There is something falling out,' said Trim, 'but it is not a chariot, or anything like one.'
'Prithee, Corporal,' said my father, smiling, 'what is it then?'


--I think, answered _Trim_, stooping to take it up, ----'tis more like a sermon, ------for it begins with a text of scripture, and the chapter and verse; --and then goes on, not as a chariot, but like a sermon directly.

'I think,' answered Trim, stooping to take it up, ''tis more like a sermon.'


I cannot conceive how it is possible, quoth my uncle _Toby_, for such a thing as a sermon to have got into my _Stevinus_.

'I cannot conceive how it is possible,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'for a sermon to have got into my Stevinus.'


I think 'tis a sermon, replied _Trim_; --but if it please your Honours, as it is a fair hand, I will read you a page; --for _Trim_, you must know, loved to hear himself read almost as well as talk.

'If it please your Honours,' said Trim, 'I will read you a page;' for he loved to hear himself read almost as well as talk.


I have ever a strong propensity, said my father, to look into things which cross my way, by such strange fatalities as these; --and as we have nothing better to do, at least till _Obadiah_ gets back, I shall be obliged to you, brother, if Dr. _Slop_ has no objection to it, to order the Corporal to give us a page or two of it, --if he is as able to do it, as he seems willing.

'As we have nothing better to do,' replied my father, 'and if Dr. Slop has no objection, order the Corporal to give us a page or two of it, if he is able.'


An' please your Honour, quoth _Trim_, I officiated two whole campaigns, in _Flanders_, as clerk to the chaplain of the regiment.


----He can read it, quoth my uncle _Toby_, as well as I can.

'He can read it,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'as well as I can.


----_Trim_, I assure you, was the best scholar in my company, and should have had the next halberd, but for the poor fellow's misfortune.

Trim was the best scholar in my company.'


Corporal _Trim_ laid his hand upon his heart, and made an humble bow to his master; --then laying down his hat upon the floor, and taking up the sermon in his left hand, in order to have his right at liberty, ----he advanced, nothing doubting, into the middle of the room, where he could best see, and be best seen by his audience.

Corporal Trim made a humble bow to his master; then laying down his hat upon the floor, he advanced into the middle of the room, where he could best see and be seen by his audience.


My uncle _Toby's_ head at that time was full of other matters, so that it was not till the demolition of _Dunkirk_, when all the other civilities of _Europe_ were settled, that he found leisure to return this.

My uncle Toby's head at that time was full of other matters, so that it was not till the demolition of Dunkirk that he found leisure to return this sentiment.


This made an armistice (that is, speaking with regard to my uncle _Toby_--but with respect to Mrs. _Wadman_, a vacancy)--of almost eleven years.

This made an armistice (with regard to my uncle Toby - but regarding Mrs. Wadman, a vacancy) of almost eleven years.


But in all cases of this nature, as it is the second blow, happen at what distance of time it will, which makes the fray ----I chuse for that reason to call these the amours of my uncle _Toby_ with Mrs. _Wadman_, rather than the amours of Mrs. _Wadman_ with my uncle _Toby_.

But in all cases of this nature, it is the second blow, no matter how much later, which makes the fray.
I choose for that reason to call these the amours of my uncle Toby with Mrs. Wadman, rather than the amours of Mrs. Wadman with my uncle Toby.


This is not a distinction without a difference.


It is not like the affair of _an old hat cock'd_----and _a cock'd old hat_, about which your reverences have so often been at odds with one another----but there is a difference here in the nature of things----

It is not like the affair of an old hat cocked - and a cocked old hat - but there is a difference here in the nature of things-


And let me tell you, gentry, a wide one too.


When my uncle _Toby_ first mentioned the grenadier, my father, I said, fell down with his nose flat to the quilt, and as suddenly as if my uncle _Toby_ had shot him; but it was not added that every other limb and member of my father instantly relapsed with his nose into the same precise attitude in which he lay first described; so that when corporal _Trim_ left the room, and my father found himself disposed to rise off the bed--he had all the little preparatory movements to run over again, before he could do it.

When my uncle Toby first mentioned the grenadier, my father, I said, fell down with his nose flat to the quilt, as suddenly as if shot; but I did not add that every other limb of my father instantly relapsed into the same attitude in which he lay first described; so that when corporal Trim left the room, and my father wanted to rise off the bed - he had all the little preparatory movements to run over again.


Attitudes are nothing, madam----'tis the transition from one attitude to another----like the preparation and resolution of the discord into harmony, which is all in all.

Attitudes are nothing, madam - 'tis the transition from one attitude to another, like the resolution of the discord into harmony, which is all in all.


For which reason my father played the same jig over again with his toe upon the floor----pushed the chamber-pot still a little farther within the valance--gave a hem--raised himself up upon his elbow--and was just beginning to address himself to my uncle _Toby_--when recollecting the unsuccessfulness of his first effort in that attitude----he got upon his legs, and in making the third turn across the room, he stopped short before my uncle _Toby_: and laying the three first fingers of his right-hand in the palm of his left, and stooping a little, he addressed himself to my uncle _Toby_ as follows:

My father played the same jig with his toe upon the floor - pushed the chamber-pot a little farther underneath the bed - gave a hem - raised himself upon his elbow - and was just beginning to address my uncle Toby - when, recollecting the unsuccessfulness of his first effort in that attitude, he stood, and making a turn across the room, he stopped before my uncle. He addressed him then as follows:


Though the corporal had been as good as his word in putting my uncle _Toby's_ great ramallie-wig into pipes, yet the time was too short to produce any great effects from it: it had lain many years squeezed up in the corner of his old campaign trunk; and as bad forms are not so easy to be got the better of, and the use of candle-ends not so well understood, it was not so pliable a business as one would have wished.

Though the corporal had been as good as his word in putting my uncle Toby's great ramallie-wig into pipes, yet the time was too short to produce any great effects from it. The wig had lain many years squeezed up in the corner of his old campaign trunk; and was not so pliable as one would have wished.


The corporal with cheary eye and both arms extended, had fallen back perpendicular from it a score times, to inspire it, if possible, with a better air----had SPLEEN given a look at it, 'twould have cost her ladyship a smile----it curl'd everywhere but where the corporal would have it; and where a buckle or two, in his opinion, would have done it honour, he could as soon have raised the dead.

It curled everywhere but where the corporal required.


Such it was----or rather such would it have seem'd upon any other brow; but the sweet look of goodness which sat upon my uncle _Toby's_, assimilated everything around it so sovereignly to itself, and Nature had moreover wrote GENTLEMAN with so fair a hand in every line of his countenance, that even his tarnish'd gold-laced hat and huge cockade of flimsy taffeta became him; and though not worth a button in themselves, yet the moment my uncle _Toby_ put them on, they became serious objects, and altogether seem'd to have been picked up by the hand of Science to set him off to advantage.

Such it was - but the sweet look of goodness which sat upon my uncle Toby's brow made everything around it appear so sovereignly, and Nature had wrote Gentleman with so fair a hand in every line of his face, that even his tarnished gold-laced hat and huge cockade of flimsy taffeta became him. Though not worth a button in themselves, yet the moment my uncle Toby put them on, they seemed to have been picked by the hand of Science to set him off to advantage.


Nothing in this world could have co-operated more powerfully towards this, than my uncle _Toby's_ blue and gold----_had not Quantity in some measure been necessary to Grace_: in a period of fifteen or sixteen years since they had been made, by a total inactivity in my uncle _Toby's_ life, for he seldom went further than the bowling-green--his blue and gold had become so miserably too strait for him, that it was with the utmost difficulty the corporal was able to get him into them; the taking them up at the sleeves, was of no advantage.

Nothing in this world could have co-operated more powerfully towards this, than my uncle Toby's blue and gold coat, if only it had fitted. In the sixteen years since it had been made, through total inactivity in my uncle Toby's life - for he seldom went further than the bowling-green - his blue and gold had become so miserably tight, that it was with the utmost difficulty that the corporal was able to get him into it. The taking up at the sleeves had not helped.


----They were laced however down the back, and at the seams of the sides, &c., in the mode of King _William's_ reign; and to shorten all description, they shone so bright against the sun that morning, and had so metallick and doughty an air with them, that had my uncle _Toby_ thought of attacking in armour, nothing could have so well imposed upon his imagination.

It was laced however down the back, and at the side-seams, in the mode of King William's reign; and shone so bright in the sun, and had so metallic and doughty an air, that my uncle Toby might have been attacking in armour.


As for the thin scarlet breeches, they had been unripp'd by the taylor between the legs, and left at _sixes and sevens_----

As for the thin scarlet breeches, they had been unripped by the tailor between the legs, and left at sixes and sevens.


----Yes, Madam, ----but let us govern our fancies.

- Yes, Madam, but let us govern our fancies.


It is enough they were held impracticable the night before, and as there was no alternative in my uncle _Toby's_ wardrobe, he sallied forth in the red plush.

As there was no alternative in my uncle Toby's wardrobe, he sallied forth in the red plush.