[Footnote 5.2: Mr. _Shandy_ is supposed to mean ******** *** Esq.


; member for ******, ----and not the _Chinese_ Legislator.]


It was to my uncle _Toby's_ eternal honour, ----though I tell it only for the sake of those, who, when coop'd in betwixt a natural and a positive law, know not, for their souls, which way in the world to turn themselves ----That notwithstanding my uncle _Toby_ was warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of _Dendermond_, parallel with the allies, who pressed theirs on so vigorously, that they scarce allowed him time to get his dinner----that nevertheless he gave up _Dendermond_, though he had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp; --and bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and except that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be said to have turned the siege of _Dendermond_ into a blockade, --he left _Dendermond_ to itself--to be relieved or not by the _French_ king, as the _French_ king thought good; and only considered how he himself should relieve the poor lieutenant and his son.

It was to my uncle Toby's eternal honour, that although he was warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of Dendermond, and had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp, nevertheless he gave it up, and bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and except that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be said to have turned the siege into a blockade, he left Dendermond to itself; and only considered how to relieve the poor lieutenant and his son.


----That kind BEING, who is a friend to the friendless, shall recompence thee for this.

That kind being, who is a friend to the friendless, shall recompense thee for this.


Thou hast left this matter short, said my uncle _Toby_ to the corporal, as he was putting him to bed, ----and I will tell thee in what, _Trim_. ----In the first place, when thou madest an offer of my services to _Le Fever_, ----as sickness and travelling are both expensive, and thou knowest he was but a poor lieutenant, with a son to subsist as well as himself out of his pay, --that thou didst not make an offer to him of my purse; because, had he stood in need, thou knowest, _Trim_, he had been as welcome to it as myself.

As corporal Trim was putting him to bed, my uncle Toby said, 'I tell thee, Trim: when thou offered'st my services to Le Fever - as sickness and travelling are expensive for a poor lieutenant, with a son to support - thou shouldst have made an offer to him of my purse; he would have been welcome to it.'


----Your honour knows, said the corporal, I had no orders; ----True, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --thou didst very right, _Trim_, as a soldier, --but certainly very wrong as a man.

'Your honour gave me no orders,' said the corporal.
'True,' quoth my uncle; 'thou didst very right, Trim, as a soldier, but very wrong as a man.


In the second place, for which, indeed, thou hast the same excuse, continued my uncle _Toby_, ----when thou offeredst him whatever was in my house, ----thou shouldst have offered him my house too: ----A sick brother officer should have the best quarters, _Trim_, and if we had him with us, --we could tend and look to him: ----Thou art an excellent nurse thyself, _Trim_, --and what with thy care of him, and the old woman's, and his boy's, and mine together, we might recruit him again at once, and set him upon his legs.------
----In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle _Toby_, smiling, ----he might march.

And when thou offered'st him whatever was in my house, thou shouldst have offered him my house too. A sick brother officer should have the best quarters, Trim, and we could tend and look to him. Thou art an excellent nurse, Trim, and with thy care, and the old woman's, and his boy's, and mine together, we might set him upon his legs: in a fortnight or three weeks, he might march.'


----He will never march; an' please your honour, in this world, said the corporal: ----He will march; said my uncle _Toby_, rising up, from the side of the bed, with one shoe off: ----An' please your honour, said the corporal, he will never march but to his grave: ----He shall march, cried my uncle _Toby_, marching the foot which had a shoe on, though without advancing an inch, --he shall march to his regiment.

'He will never march, your honour, in this world,' said the corporal.
'He will march,' said my uncle Toby, rising up, with one shoe off.
'An' please your honour,' said the corporal, 'he will never march but to his grave.'
'He shall march,' cried my uncle Toby, marching the foot which had a shoe on, though without advancing an inch; 'he shall march to his regiment.'


----He cannot stand it, said the corporal; ----He shall be supported, said my uncle _Toby_; ----He'll drop at last, said the corporal, and what will become of his boy?

'He cannot stand,' said the corporal.
'He shall be supported,' said my uncle Toby.
'He'll drop,' said the corporal, 'and what will become of his boy?


----He shall not drop, said my uncle _Toby_, firmly.


----A-well-o'-day, --do what we can for him, said _Trim_, maintaining his point, --the poor soul will die: ----He shall not die, by G--, cried my uncle _Toby_.

do what we can for him, the poor soul will die.'
'He shall not die, by G__,' cried my uncle Toby.


--The ACCUSING SPIRIT, which flew up to heaven's chancery with the oath, blush'd as he gave it in; --and the RECORDING ANGEL, as he wrote it down, dropp'd a tear upon the word, and blotted it out for ever.

- The Accusing Spirit, which flew up to heaven with the oath, blushed as he gave it in; and the Recording Angel, as he wrote it down, dropped a tear upon the word, and blotted it out for ever.


Was it _Mackay's_ regiment, quoth my uncle _Toby_, where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully whipp'd at _Bruges_ about the ducats?

'Was it Mackay's regiment,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully whipped about the ducats?'


--And he was whipp'd, may it please your honour, almost to death's door.

'And he was whipped, your honour, almost to death's door.'


--They had better have shot him outright, as he begg'd, and he had gone directly to heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour.


------I thank thee, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_.

'I thank thee, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby.


----I never think of his, continued _Trim_, and my poor brother _Tom's_ misfortunes, for we were all three school-fellows, but I cry like a coward.

'I never think of it,' continued Trim, 'and my poor brother Tom's misfortunes - for we were all school-fellows - without crying like a coward.'


----Tears are no proof of cowardice, _Trim_.


--I drop them oft-times myself, cried my uncle _Toby_.

I drop them often myself,' cried my uncle Toby.


----I know your honour does, replied _Trim_, and so am not ashamed of it myself.

'I know your honour does,' replied Trim, 'and so am not ashamed of it.


--But to think, may it please your honour, continued _Trim_, a tear stealing into the corner of his eye as he spoke--to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies, and as honest as God could make them--the children of honest people, going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes in the world--and fall into such evils!

- But to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm and honest as God could make them - going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes - and falling into such evils!


--poor _Tom!_ to be tortured upon a rack for nothing--but marrying a Jew's widow who sold sausages--honest _Dick Johnson's_ soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put into his knapsack!

poor Tom! to be tortured upon a rack for nothing but marrying a Jew's widow who sold sausages - and honest Dick Johnson's soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put into his knapsack!


--these are misfortunes, cried _Trim_, --pulling out his handkerchief--these are misfortunes, may it please your honour, worth lying down and crying over.

these are misfortunes, your honour, worth lying down and crying over.'


'Twould be a pity, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, thou shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy own--thou feelest it so tenderly for others.

''Twould be a pity, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'if thou shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy own - thou feelest it so tenderly for others.'


--Alack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his face------your honour knows I have neither wife or child ----I can have no sorrows in this world.

'Alack-o-day,' replied the corporal, brightening up, 'your honour knows I have neither wife or child - I can have no sorrows in this world.'


--As few as any man, _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_; nor can I see how a fellow of thy light heart can suffer, but from the distress of poverty in thy old age--when thou art passed all services, _Trim_--and hast outlived thy friends.

'As few as any man, Trim,' replied my uncle Toby; 'yet thou couldst suffer from the distress of poverty in thy old age, when thou hast outlived thy friends.'


----An' please your honour, never fear, replied _Trim_, chearily.

'Never fear, your honour,' replied Trim cheerily.


----But I would have thee never fear, _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_, and therefore, continued my uncle _Toby_, throwing down his crutch, and getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word _therefore_--in recompence, _Trim_, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodness of thy heart I have had such proofs of--whilst thy master is worth a shilling----thou shalt never ask elsewhere, _Trim_, for a penny.

'But I would have thee never fear, Trim,' replied my uncle; 'and therefore' - standing up - 'therefore in recompense of thy long fidelity to me, and the goodness of thy heart - thou shalt never ask elsewhere, Trim, for a penny.'


_Trim_ attempted to thank my uncle _Toby_--but had not power----tears trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off --He laid his hands upon his breast----made a bow to the ground, and shut the door.

Trim attempted to thank my uncle Toby - but tears trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off. He laid his hands upon his breast - made a bow, and shut the door.


----I have left _Trim_ my bowling-green, cried my uncle _Toby_.

'I have left Trim my bowling-green,' cried my uncle Toby.


------I have left him moreover a pension, continued my uncle _Toby_.

'I have left him moreover a pension,' continued my uncle Toby.


Whilst my uncle _Toby_ was whistling _Lillabullero_ to my father, --Dr. _Slop_ was stamping, and cursing and damning at _Obadiah_ at a most dreadful rate, ------it would have done your heart good, and cured you, Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him; I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.

Whilst my uncle Toby was whistling Lillabullero, Dr. Slop was stamping, and cursing Obadiah most dreadfully. - It would have cured you, Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him; I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.


When Dr. _Slop's_ maid delivered the green bays bag with her master's instruments in it, to _Obadiah_, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body: so undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen the strings for him, without any more ado, she helped him on with it.

When Dr. Slop's maid gave the green baize bag with her master's instruments in it to Obadiah, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body; and undoing the bow-knot, she helped him on with it.


However, as this, in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest anything should bolt out in galloping back, at the speed _Obadiah_ threatened, they consulted to take it off again: and in the great care and caution of their hearts, they had taken the two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth of the bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which _Obadiah_, to make all safe, had twitched and drawn together with all the strength of his body.

However, this loosened the mouth of the bag; so, lest anything should bolt out as Obadiah galloped back, they took it off again: and with great care and caution, they pursed up the mouth of the bag and tied the two strings with half a dozen hard knots, which Obadiah pulled together with all his strength.


This answered all that _Obadiah_ and the maid intended; but was no remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw.

This solved the problem as they intended; but caused some evils which neither had foreseen.


The instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much room to play in it, towards the bottom (the shape of the bag being conical) that _Obadiah_ could not make a trot of it, but with such a terrible jingle, what with the _tire tte_, _forceps_, and _squirt_, as would have been enough, had _Hymen_ been taking a jaunt that way, to have frightened him out of the country; but when _Obadiah_ accelerated his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coach-horse into a full gallop----by Heaven!

Although the bag was tied tight at its neck, the instruments had so much room to move in at the bottom that Obadiah could not go at a trot without a terrible jingle; but when he sped up, and pricked his horse into a full gallop - by Heaven!


As _Obadiah_ had a wife and three children----the turpitude of fornication, and the many other political ill consequences of this jingling, never once entered his brain, ----he had however his objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him, as it has oft-times done with the greatest patriots.


----"_The poor fellow, Sir, was not able to hear himself whistle._"

As the poor fellow said,- 'he was not able to hear himself whistle.'


The abbess of _Andoillets_, which, if you look into the large set of provincial maps now publishing at _Paris_, you will find situated amongst the hills which divide _Burgundy_ from _Savoy_, being in danger of an _Anchylosis_ or stiff joint (the _sinovia_ of her knee becoming hard by long matins), and having tried every remedy----first, prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations to all the saints in heaven promiscuously----then particularly to every saint who had ever had a stiff leg, before her----then touching it with all the reliques of the convent, principally with the thigh-bone of the man of _Lystra_, who had been impotent from his youth----then wrapping it up in her veil when she went to bed--then cross-wise her rosary--then bringing in to her aid the secular arm, and anointing it with oils and hot fat of animals----then treating it with emollient and resolving fomentations----then with poultices of marsh-mallows, mallows, bonus Henricus, white lillies and fenugreek--then taking the woods, I mean the smoak of 'em, holding her scapulary across her lap----then decoctions of wild chicory, water-cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and cochlearia----and nothing all this while answering, was prevailed on at last to try the hot baths of _Bourbon_----so having first obtain'd leave of the visitor-general to take care of her existence--she ordered all to be got ready for her journey: a novice of the convent of about seventeen, who had been troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger, by sticking it constantly into the abbess's cast poultices, &c. --had gained such an interest, that overlooking a sciatical old nun, who might have been set up for ever by the hot-baths of _Bourbon_, _Margarita_, the little novice, was elected as the companion of the journey.

The abbess of Andoillets, which is situated amongst the hills between Burgundy and Savoy, having a stiff knee joint, tried every remedy: first, prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations to all the saints in heaven promiscuously - then particularly to every saint who had ever had a stiff leg; then touching it with all the relics in the convent, principally the thigh-bone of the man of Lystra, who had been impotent from his youth - then wrapping it up in her veil or her rosary - then trying secular aids, anointing it with oils and fomentations - then with poultices of marsh-mallows, lilies and fenugreek - then decoctions of wild chicory, water-cresses, chervil and sweet Cecily.
When none of these worked, she decided to try the hot baths of Bourbon - so she ordered all to be got ready for her journey. A novice of about seventeen, Margarita, was elected as her companion.


An old calesh, belonging to the abbesse, lined with green frize, was ordered to be drawn out into the sun--the gardener of the convent being chosen muleteer--led out the two old mules, to clip the hair from the rump-ends of their tails, whilst a couple of lay-sisters were busied, the one in darning the lining, and the other in sewing on the shreads of yellow binding, which the teeth of time had unravelled----the under-gardener dress'd the muleteer's hat in hot wine-lees----and a taylor sat musically at it, in a shed over-against the convent, in assorting four dozen of bells for the harness, whistling to each bell, as he tied it on with a thong.----

An old carriage was ordered to be drawn out into the sun. The gardener of the convent, being chosen as muleteer, led out the two old mules, whilst a couple of lay-sisters were busy darning the carriage lining and sewing on the shreds of yellow binding, which the teeth of time had unravelled. A tailor sat musically in a shed, assorting four dozen bells for the harness, whistling to each bell as he tied it on.


----The carpenter and the smith of _Andoillets_ held a council of wheels; and by seven, the morning after, all look'd spruce, and was ready at the gate of the convent for the hot-baths of _Bourbon_--two rows of the unfortunate stood ready there an hour before.

- By seven the next morning, all looked spruce, and was ready at the convent gate.


The abbess of _Andoillets_, supported by _Margarita_ the novice, advanced slowly to the calesh, both clad in white, with their black rosaries hanging at their breasts----

The abbess of Andoillets, supported by Margarita the novice, advanced slowly to the carriage; both were clad in white, with their black rosaries hanging at their breasts.


----There was a simple solemnity in the contrast: they entered the calesh; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet emblem of innocence, each occupied a window, and as the abbess and _Margarita_ look'd up--each (the sciatical poor nun excepted)--each stream'd out the end of her veil in the air--then kiss'd the lilly hand which let it go: the good abbess and _Margarita_ laid their hands saint-wise upon their breasts--look'd up to heaven--then to them--and look'd "God bless you, dear sisters."

- They entered; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet emblem of innocence, looked in, each kissing the lily hand of the good abbess, who blessed them.


I declare I am interested in this story, and wish I had been there.


The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was a little, hearty, broad-set, good-natured, chattering, toping kind of a fellow, who troubled his head very little with the _hows_ and _whens_ of life; so had mortgaged a month of his conventical wages in a borrachio, or leathern cask of wine, which he had disposed behind the calesh, with a large russet-coloured riding-coat over it, to guard it from the sun; and as the weather was hot, and he not a niggard of his labours, walking ten times more than he rode--he found more occasions than those of nature, to fall back to the rear of his carriage; till by frequent coming and going, it had so happen'd, that all his wine had leak'd out at the _legal_ vent of the borrachio, before one half of the journey was finish'd.

The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was a little, hearty, good-natured, chattering, drinking fellow, who had mortgaged a month of his wages in a leather cask of wine, which he had put behind the carriage, with a large russet riding-coat over it, to guard it from the sun. As the weather was hot, and he was active, walking ten times more than he rode, he found many occasions to fall back to the rear of his carriage; till all his wine was gone before the journey was half finished.


The day had been sultry--the evening was delicious--the wine was generous--the _Burgundian_ hill on which it grew was steep--a little tempting bush over the door of a cool cottage at the foot of it, hung vibrating in full harmony with the passions--a gentle air rustled distinctly through the leaves-- "Come--come, thirsty muleteer--come in."

The day had been sultry - the evening was delicious - the wine was generous - the Burgundian hill was steep - a little tempting bush over the door of an inn at the foot of it, rustled with a gentle air - 'Come, thirsty muleteer - come in.'


--The muleteer was a son of _Adam_; I need not say a word more. He gave the mules, each of 'em, a sound lash, and looking in the abbess's and _Margarita's_ faces (as he did it)--as much as to say "here I am"--he gave a second good crack--as much as to say to his mules, "get on"----so slinking behind, he enter'd the little inn at the foot of the hill.

- The muleteer gave the mules a sound lash, and looking in the abbess's and Margarita's faces as if to say 'here I am' he gave his mules a second good crack to get them moving, and slinking behind, he entered the inn.


The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow, who thought not of to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or what was to follow it, provided he got but his scantling of Burgundy, and a little chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, as how he was chief gardener to the convent of _Andoillets_, &c. &c., and out of friendship for the abbess and Mademoiselle _Margarita_, who was only in her noviciate, he had come along with them from the confines of _Savoy_, &c. &c. --and as how she had got a white swelling by her devotions--and what a nation of herbs he had procured to mollify her humours, &c. &c., and that if the waters of _Bourbon_ did not mend that leg--she might as well be lame of both--&c. &c. &c. --He so contrived his story, as absolutely to forget the heroine of it--and with her the little novice, and what was a more ticklish point to be forgot than both--the two mules; who being creatures that take advantage of the world, inasmuch as their parents took it of them--and they not being in a condition to return the obligation _downwards_ (as men and women and beasts are)--they do it side-ways, and long-ways, and back-ways--and up hill, and down hill, and which way they can.

The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow. He thought not of tomorrow, provided he got his wine, and a little chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, about how he was chief gardener to the convent of Andoillets, &c. &c., and how she had got a white swelling by kneeling, and what herbs he had got for her, &c. &c., and that if the waters of Bourbon did not mend that leg, she might as well be lame, &c. &c.-
- In telling his story, he absolutely forgot about the heroine of it - as well as the little novice - and what was more important, the two mules; who are creatures that take advantage of the world, and would rather go sideways, longways, and backwards than forwards - and up hill, down hill, and which way they can.


------Philosophers, with all their ethicks, have never considered this rightly--how should the poor muleteer, then in his cups, consider it at all? he did not in the least--'tis time we do; let us leave him then in the vortex of his element, the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men----and for a moment let us look after the mules, the abbess, and _Margarita_.

The muleteer did not consider this. Let us leave him then, the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men - and let us look for the mules, the abbess, and Margarita.


By virtue of the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had gone quietly on, following their own consciences up the hill, till they had conquer'd about one half of it; when the elder of them, a shrewd crafty old devil, at the turn of an angle, giving a side glance, and no muleteer behind them----

After the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had gone quietly on up the hill, till they had conquered about half of it; when the elder of them, a shrewd crafty old devil, glancing behind and seeing no muleteer-


said she, swearing, I'll go no further ----And if I do, replied the other, they shall make a drum of my hide.----

swore she, 'I'll go no further.'
'And if I do,' replied the other, 'they shall make a drum of my hide.'


And so with one consent they stopp'd thus----


There is nothing shews the character of my father and my uncle _Toby_, in a more entertaining light, than their different manner of deportment, under the same accident----for I call not love a misfortune, from a persuasion, that a man's heart is ever the better for it ----Great God!

There is nothing that shows the character of my father and my uncle Toby in a more entertaining light, than their different manner under the same accident of love. I do not call love a misfortune, but am persuaded that a man's heart is the better for it.
Great God!


what must my uncle _Toby's_ have been, when 'twas all benignity without it.

what must my uncle Toby's heart have been with love, when 'twas all benignity without it.


My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this passion, before he married----but from a little subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever it befell him, he would never submit to it like a christian; but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye that ever man wrote----there is one in verse upon somebody's eye or other, that for two or three nights together, had put him by his rest; which in his first transport of resentment against it, he begins thus:

My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this passion before he married - but from a little subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever love befell him, he would never submit to it, but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest verses that ever man wrote. There is one verse upon somebody's eye that for two or three nights kept him from his rest; which begins thus:


"A Devil 'tis----and mischief such doth work As never yet did _Pagan_, _Jew_, or _Turk_.

'A Devil 'tis - and mischief such doth work
As never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk.'


In short, during the whole paroxism, my father was all abuse and foul language, approaching rather towards malediction----only he did not do it with as much method as _Ernulphus_----he was too impetuous; nor with _Ernulphus's_ policy----for tho' my father, with the most intolerant spirit, would curse both this and that, and every thing under heaven, which was either aiding or abetting to his love----yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it, without cursing himself in at the bargain, as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say, that ever was let loose in the world.

In short, when in love, my father was all abuse and foul language, cursing this and that and everything under heaven which aided or abetted his love - yet he cursed himself into the bargain, as one of the most egregious fools that ever was let loose in the world.


My uncle _Toby_, on the contrary, took it like a lamb----sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance----in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound (like that on his groin) he never dropt one fretful or discontented word----he blamed neither heaven nor earth----or thought or spoke an injurious thing of any body, or any part of it; he sat solitary and pensive with his pipe----looking at his lame leg----then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho!

My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it like a lamb - sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance. In the sharpest pains of the wound (like that on his groin) he never dropped one fretful word - he blamed neither heaven nor earth, or spoke ill of any body. He sat solitary and pensive with his pipe - looking at his lame leg - then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho!


which mixing with the smoke, incommoded no one mortal.


In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my father, that very morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood, which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor;[8.6] which said wood being in full view of my uncle _Toby's_ house, and of singular service to him in his description of the battle of _Wynnendale_--by trotting on too hastily to save it----upon an uneasy saddle----worse horse, &c. &c. . . it had so happened, that the serous part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins, in the nethermost part of my uncle _Toby_----the first shootings of which (as my uncle _Toby_ had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passion--till the blister breaking in the one case--and the other remaining--my uncle _Toby_ was presently convinced, that his wound was not a skin-deep wound----but that it had gone to his heart.

In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my father that morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor; and which was in full view of my uncle Toby's house, and of singular service to him in his description of the battle of Wynnendale - by trotting on too hastily to save it, upon an uneasy saddle - it so happened, that a blister formed in the nethermost part of my uncle Toby - the first shootings of which (as he had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passion - till the blister breaking in the one case - and the other remaining - my uncle Toby was convinced that his wound was not skin-deep, but that it had gone to his heart.


[Footnote 8.5: This will be printed with my father's Life of _Socrates_, &c. &c.]


[Footnote 8.6: Mr. _Shandy_ must mean the poor _in spirit_; inasmuch as they divided the money amongst themselves.]


Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks before I retired from the place; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my remarks--(which, by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of _their_ remarks for the future) "my remarks were _stolen_" ----Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the occasion.

Though I was aware I had said only six livres' worth of clever things, yet I was determined to note them down before I left; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my journal of remarks - my remarks were stolen!


cried I, calling in everything to my aid but what I should ------My remarks are stolen!


pray did I drop any remarks, as I stood besides you?------

Pray, did I drop any remarks, as I stood beside you?'


You dropp'd a good many very singular ones; replied he ----Pugh!

'You dropped a good many,' said he.
'Pugh!'


said I, those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous--but these are a large parcel ----He shook his head ----Monsieur _Le Blanc!_ Madam _Le Blanc!_ did you see any papers of mine?

said I, 'those were worth six livres - but these are a large parcel.'
He shook his head.
'Monsieur Le Blanc! did you see any papers of mine?


run up stairs--_Franois!_ run up after her----


--I must have my remarks----they were the best remarks, cried I, that ever were made--the wisest--the wittiest --What shall I do?

I must have my remarks - they were the best that ever were made,' cried I, 'the wisest - the wittiest. - What shall I do?'


_Sancho Pana_, when he lost his ass's FURNITURE, did not exclaim more bitterly.

Sancho Panza, when he lost his ass's furniture, did not exclaim more bitterly.


When a man gives himself up to the government of a ruling passion, --or, in other words, when his HOBBY-HORSE grows headstrong, ----farewel cool reason and fair discretion!

When a man gives himself up to a ruling passion, - or, in other words, when his Hobby-Horse grows headstrong - farewell cool reason!


My uncle _Toby's_ wound was near well, and as soon as the surgeon recovered his surprize, and could get leave to say as much----he told him, 'twas just beginning to incarnate; and that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there was no sign of, --it would be dried up in five or six weeks.

My uncle Toby's wound was nearly well, and the surgeon told him that if no fresh exfoliation happened, it would be dried up in five or six weeks.


The sound of as many Olympiads, twelve hours before, would have conveyed an idea of shorter duration to my uncle _Toby's_ mind. ----The succession of his ideas was now rapid, --he broiled with impatience to put his design in execution; ----and so, without consulting farther with any soul living, --which, by the bye, I think is right, when you are predetermined to take no one soul's advice, ----he privately ordered _Trim_, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at the door exactly by twelve o'clock that day, when he knew my father would be upon 'Change.

But my uncle Toby now broiled with impatience to carry out his plan; this seemed too long - and so, without consulting with anyone, which, by the bye, I think is right, if you are determined to take no one's advice, - he privately ordered Trim, his servant, to pack lint and dressings, and hire a carriage to be at the door by twelve o'clock that day.


----So leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeon's care of him, and a letter of tender thanks for his brother's--he packed up his maps, his books of fortification, his instruments, &c., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and _Trim_ on the other, ----my uncle _Toby_ embarked for _Shandy-Hall_.

Leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeon's care, and a letter of tender thanks for his brother's, he packed up his maps, his books of fortification, &c., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and Trim on the other, my uncle Toby embarked for Shandy-Hall.


The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as follows:


The table in my uncle _Toby's_ room, and at which, the night before this change happened, he was sitting with his maps, &c., about him--being somewhat of the smallest, for that infinity of great and small instruments of knowledge which usually lay crowded upon it--he had the accident, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and snuffers; --and as the dice took a run against him, in his endeavouring to catch the snuffers in falling, ----he thrust Monsieur _Blondel_ off the table, and Count _de Pagan_ o'top of him.

The night before this change happened, my uncle Toby was sitting at his table with his maps, &c., crowded about him; - in reaching for his tobacco-box, he accidentally threw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, he knocked over his case of instruments; and in trying to catch the case, he thrust Monsieur Blondel's volume off the table, and Count de Pagan o'top of him.


'Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle _Toby_ was, to think of redressing these evils by himself, --he rung his bell for his man _Trim_; ------_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, prithee see what confusion I have here been making --I must have some better contrivance, _Trim_.

My uncle Toby rung his bell for his man Trim.
'Trim,' quoth he, 'see what confusion I have been making - I must have a better table, Trim.


----Can'st not thou take my rule, and measure the length and breadth of this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big again?


----Yes, an' please your Honour, replied _Trim_, making a bow; but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get down to your country-seat, where, --as your Honour takes so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage this matter to a T.

'Yes, your Honour,' replied Trim; 'but I hope your Honour will be soon be well enough to get down to your country-seat, where we could manage this matter to a T.'


I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle _Toby's_, who went by the name of _Trim_, had been a corporal in my uncle's own company, --his real name was _James Butler_, --but having got the nick-name of _Trim_ in the regiment, my uncle _Toby_, unless when he happened to be very angry with him, would never call him by any other name.

I must here inform you that this servant, who went by the name of Trim, had been a corporal in my uncle's company. His real name was James Butler, but having got the nick-name of Trim in the regiment, my uncle Toby, unless he happened to be very angry with him, would never call him by any other name.


The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a wound on his left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of _Landen_, which was two years before the affair of _Namur_; --and as the fellow was well-beloved in the regiment, and a handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle _Toby_ took him for his servant; and of an excellent use was he, attending my uncle _Toby_ in the camp and in his quarters as a valet, groom, barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first to last, waited upon him and served him with great fidelity and affection.

The poor fellow had been disabled by a wound on his left knee with a musket-bullet, at the battle of Landen, two years before the siege of Namur; and as he was well-beloved in the regiment, and handy into the bargain, my uncle Toby took him for his servant; and of excellent use he was, as a valet, groom, barber, cook, tailor, and nurse; and served him with great fidelity and affection.


My uncle _Toby_ loved the man in return, and what attached him more to him still, was the similitude of their knowledge.

My uncle Toby loved him in return, all the more because of the similitude of their knowledge.


----For Corporal _Trim_ (for so, for the future, I shall call him), by four years occasional attention to his Master's discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage of prying and peeping continually into his Master's plans, &c., exclusive and besides what he gained HOBBY-HORSICALLY, as a body-servant, _Non Hobby Horsical per se_; ----had become no mean proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and chamber-maid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle _Toby_ himself.

- For Corporal Trim, after four years' attention to his master's talk upon fortified towns, had become proficient in the science; and was thought by the cook and chamber-maid to know as much about strongholds as my uncle himself.


I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal _Trim's_ character, ----and it is the only dark line in it.

I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal Trim's character, and it is the only dark line in it.


--The fellow loved to advise, --or rather to hear himself talk; his carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, 'twas easy to keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-going, --you had no hold of him--he was voluble; --the eternal interlardings of _your Honour_, with the respectfulness of Corporal _Trim's_ manner, interceding so strong in behalf of his elocution, --that though you might have been incommoded, ----you could not well be angry.

The fellow loved to hear himself talk. Set his tongue a-going, and you had no hold of him - he was voluble; though so respectful that you could not be angry.


My uncle _Toby_ was seldom either the one or the other with him, --or, at least, this fault, in _Trim_, broke no squares with them.


My uncle _Toby_, as I said, loved the man; ----and besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful servant, --but as an humble friend, --he could not bear to stop his mouth.

My uncle Toby loved him not just as a faithful servant, but as a humble friend; he could not bear to stop his mouth.


If I durst presume, continued _Trim_, to give your Honour my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter.

'If I durst presume,' continued Trim, 'to advise your Honour?'


--Thou art welcome, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_--speak, ----speak what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear.

'Thou art welcome, Trim,' quoth my uncle: 'speak without fear.'


Why then, replied _Trim_ (not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division, --I think, quoth _Trim_, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a little forwards, --and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of _Dunkirk_, which was pinned against the hangings, ----I think, quoth Corporal _Trim_, with humble submission to your Honour's better judgment, ----that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued _Trim_, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nography--(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle)----of the town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before, --and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify it to your Honour's mind ----I dare say thou would'st, _Trim_, quoth my uncle.

'Why then,' replied Trim, standing as erect as if on parade, 'I think,' quoth he, advancing his left leg, and pointing with his right hand towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned on the wall, - 'I think, with humble submission to your judgment, that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country, and had a quarter-acre or so to do what we pleased with. Your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nography-'('Call it ichnography,' quoth my uncle) 'of the town or citadel, and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis, if I did not fortify it to your Honour's liking.'
'I dare say thou would'st, Trim,' quoth my uncle.


--For if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles --That I could do very well, quoth my uncle. --I would begin with the foss, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth --I can to a hair's breadth, _Trim_, replied my uncle. --I would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the scarp, --and on that hand towards the campaign for the counterscarp.

'For if your Honour,' continued the Corporal, 'could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles, I would begin digging the foss, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth, I would throw out the earth for the scarp and counterscarp accordingly.'


--Very right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_: ----And when I had sloped them to your mind, ----an' please your Honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifications are done in _Flanders_, with sods, ----and as your Honour knows they should be, --and I would make the walls and parapets with sods too.

'Very right, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'And when I had sloped them to your mind, and faced the glacis with sods, as the finest fortifications are done in Flanders, I would make the walls and parapets with sods too.'


--The best engineers call them gazons, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_.

'The best engineers call them gazons, Trim,' said my uncle.


----Whether they are gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied _Trim_; your Honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of brick or stone.

'Gazons or sods,' replied Trim, 'your Honour knows they are ten times better than a facing of brick or stone.'


----I know they are, _Trim_, in some respects, ----quoth my uncle _Toby_, nodding his head; --for a cannon-ball enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the foss (as was the case at _St. Nicolas's_ gate), and facilitate the passage over it.

'They are,' quoth my uncle Toby, nodding; 'for a cannon-ball enters the gazon without bringing any rubbish down, which might fill the foss and allow the passage over it.'


Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal _Trim_, better than any officer in his Majesty's service; ----but would your Honour please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work under your Honour's directions like a horse, and make fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all the world's riding twenty miles to go and see it.

'Your Honour understands these matters;' replied Corporal Trim, 'but if we went into the country, I would work under your Honour's directions like a horse, and make fortifications, batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth riding twenty miles to see.'


My uncle _Toby_ blushed as red as scarlet as _Trim_ went on; --but it was not a blush of guilt, --of modesty, --or of anger, --it was a blush of joy; --he was fired with Corporal _Trim's_ project and description.

My uncle Toby blushed with joy; he was fired with Corporal Trim's description.


----_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, thou hast said enough.


--We might begin the campaign, continued _Trim_, on the very day that his Majesty and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast as--_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, say no more.

'We might begin the campaign,' continued Trim, 'on the very day that the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast as-'
'Trim,' quoth my uncle, 'say no more.'


Your Honour, continued _Trim_, might sit in your arm-chair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your orders, and I would ----Say no more, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_ ----Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure and good pastime, --but good air, and good exercise, and good health, --and your Honour's wound would be well in a month.

'Your Honour might sit in your arm-chair, giving me orders, and I would-'
'Say no more, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'Your Honour would get pleasure, good air, and good health, and your Honour's wound would be well in a month.'


Thou hast said enough, _Trim_, --quoth my uncle _Toby_ (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket) ----I like thy project mightily.

'Thou hast said enough, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby; 'I like thy project mightily.'


--And if your Honour pleases, I'll this moment go and buy a pioneer's spade to take down with us, and I'll bespeak a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of ----Say no more, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture, --and thrusting a guinea into _Trim's_ hand, --_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, say no more; --but go down, _Trim_, this moment, my lad, and bring up my supper this instant.

'And if your Honour pleases, I'll this moment go and buy a spade, and a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of-'
'Say no more, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby, quite overcome with rapture, and thrusting a guinea into Trim's hand: 'say no more; but go down, and bring up my supper.'


_Trim_ ran down and brought up his master's supper, ----to no purpose: --_Trim's_ plan of operation ran so in my uncle _Toby's_ head, he could not taste it.

Trim ran down and brought up his master's supper; - yet the plan ran so in my uncle Toby's head, that he could not taste it.


--_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, get me to bed.

'Trim,' quoth my uncle, 'get me to bed.'


--Corporal _Trim's_ description had fired his imagination, --my uncle _Toby_ could not shut his eyes.

But Trim's description had so fired his imagination, that he could not shut his eyes.


--The more he considered it, the more bewitching the scene appeared to him; --so that, two full hours before day-light, he had come to a final determination, and had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal _Trim's_ decampment.

The more he considered it, the more bewitching the idea appeared; so that, two hours before day-light, he had decided on the whole plan of his and Corporal Trim's decampment.


My uncle _Toby_ had a little neat country-house of his own, in the village where my father's estate lay at _Shandy_, which had been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate of about one hundred pounds a-year.

My uncle Toby had a little neat country-house, in the village near my father's estate at Shandy Hall.


Behind this house, and contiguous to it, was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just about as much ground as Corporal _Trim_ wished for; --so that as _Trim_ uttered the words, "A rood and a half of ground to do what they would with," --this identical bowling-green instantly presented itself, and became curiously painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle _Toby's_ fancy; --which was the physical cause of making him change colour, or at least of heightening his blush, to that immoderate degree I spoke of.

Behind his house was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green of about a quarter-acre: so as soon as Corporal Trim uttered the words, 'a quarter-acre,' this bowling-green instantly became painted upon my uncle Toby's fancy.


Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat and expectation, than my uncle _Toby_ did, to enjoy this self-same thing in private; --I say in private; --for it was sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides, from mortal sight, by rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs: --so that the idea of not being seen, did not a little contribute to the idea of pleasure pre-conceived in my uncle _Toby's_ mind.

Never did lover hasten to a beloved mistress with more heat and expectation than my uncle Toby did, to enjoy this thing in private. As well as being sheltered from the house by a tall yew hedge, it was screened on the other three sides by holly and flowering shrubs: so that the idea of privacy added to my uncle's Toby's pleasure.


however thick it was planted about, ----or private soever it might seem, --to think, dear uncle _Toby_, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole rood and a half of ground, ----and not have it known!

however private it might seem - to think, dear uncle Toby, of enjoying a thing which took up a quarter-acre of ground, - and not have it known!


How my uncle _Toby_ and Corporal _Trim_ managed this matter, ----with the history of their campaigns, which were no way barren of events, ----may make no uninteresting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama.

How my uncle and Corporal Trim managed this matter, may make an interesting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama.


--At present the scene must drop, --and change for the parlour fire-side.

- But for now the scene must drop, and change for the parlour fire-side.


My uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had posted down with so much heat and precipitation, to take possession of the spot of ground we have so often spoke of, in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies; that they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair; it was neither a pioneer's spade, a pickax, or a shovel--

My uncle Toby and the corporal had travelled down speedily to take possession of the spot of ground we have spoke of, in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies; but they forgot a most necessary article; not a spade, a pickaxe, or a shovel-


--It was a bed to lie on: so that as _Shandy-Hall_ was at that time unfurnished; and the little inn where poor _Le Fever_ died, not yet built; my uncle _Toby_ was constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs. _Wadman's_, for a night or two, till corporal _Trim_ (who to the character of an excellent valet, groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and engineer, superadded that of an excellent upholsterer too), with the help of a carpenter and a couple of taylors, constructed one in my uncle _Toby's_ house.

- It was a bed to lie on. So, as Shandy-Hall was at that time unfurnished, and the little inn where poor Le Fever died was not yet built, my uncle Toby had to accept a bed at Mrs. Wadman's, for a night or two, till corporal Trim, with the help of a carpenter, constructed one in my uncle Toby's house.


A daughter of _Eve_, for such was widow _Wadman_, and 'tis all the character I intend to give of her--

A daughter of Eve: such was widow Wadman, and 'tis all the character I intend to give her-


--"_That she was a perfect woman_--" had better be fifty leagues off--or in her warm bed--or playing with a case-knife--or anything you please--than make a man the object of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her own.

- 'That she was a perfect woman' - had better be fifty leagues off - or in her warm bed - or playing with a case-knife - or anything, rather than make a man the object of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her own.


There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad day-light, where a woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing a man in more lights than one--but here, for her soul, she can see him in no light without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him----till by reiterated acts of such combination, he gets foisted into her inventory----

There is no problem out of doors in day-light, where a woman can view a man in more lights than one - but in her house, she cannot see him without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him, till he gets foisted into her inventory-


But this is not matter of SYSTEM; for I have delivered that above----nor is it matter of BREVIARY----for I make no man's creed but my own----nor matter of FACT----at least that I know of; but 'tis matter copulative and introductory to what follows.


----But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my asseveration----that I owe the king of _France_ nothing but my good-will; for he is a very honest man, and I wish him all health and pastime in the world----

'But it is true,' continued I, 'that I owe the king of France nothing but my good-will.'


_Pardonnez moi_--replied the commissary, you are indebted to him six livres four sous, for the next post from hence to St. _Fons_, in your route to _Avignon_--which being a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion--otherwise 'twould have amounted to no more than three livres two sous----

'Pardonnez moi,' replied the messenger, 'you owe him six livres four sous, for the next post-stage from here to St. Fons, in your route to Avignon. Since it is a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion - otherwise 'twould have been three livres two sous.'


----You may if you please; replied the commissary----


Your most obedient servant----said I, making him a low bow----
The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good breeding--made me one, as low again.

'Your most obedient servant,' said I, making him a bow - he bowed as low in return.


----I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my life.

- I was never more disconcerted with a bow in my life.


----The devil take the serious character of these people!

'The devil take the serious character of these people!'


quoth I--(aside) they understand no more of IRONY than this----

quoth I (aside). 'They understand no more of Irony than this-'


The comparison was standing close by with his panniers--but something seal'd up my lips --I could not pronounce the name--

The comparison was standing close by with his panniers - but I could not say his name.


Sir, said I, collecting myself--it is not my intention to take post----

'Sir,' said I, collecting myself, 'it is not my intention to take the post-stage.'


--But you may--said he, persisting in his first reply--you may take post if you chuse----

'But you may,' said he, 'if you choose.'


--And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse----
--But I do not chuse--

'And I may take salt on my pickled herring,' said I, 'if I choose - but I do not choose.'


--But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.

'But you must pay for the post-stage, whether you do or no.'


I travel by water --I am going down the _Rhne_ this very afternoon--my baggage is in the boat--and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage----

'I travel by water - I am going down the Rhne this very afternoon - my baggage is in the boat - and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage.'


_C'est tout egal_--'tis all one; said he.


----_C'est tout egal_; replied the commissary----


said I--but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first----

said I - 'but I will go to ten thousand Bastilles first - O England!


England!_ thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers--and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophe.

thou land of liberty and good sense, thou tenderest of mothers and gentlest of nurses,' cried I, falling upon one knee.


When the director of Madam _Le Blanc's_ conscience coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions--looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery--ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the church----

The priest coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, kneeling, with a face as pale as ashes, asked if I needed the aid of the church-


I go by WATER--said I--and here's another will be for making me pay for going by OIL.

'I go by Water,' said I; '-and here's another wants to make me pay for going by Oil.'


----I scorn it----'tis enough to have thee in my power----but to make use of the advantage which the fortune of the pen has now gained over thee, would be too much ----No----!

- I scorn it - 'tis enough to have thee in my power - but to make use of that advantage would be too much - No!


by that all-powerful fire which warms the visionary brain, and lights the spirits through unwordly tracts!

by that all-powerful fire which warms the visionary brain!


ere I would force a helpless creature upon this hard service, and make thee pay, poor soul!

before I would force a helpless creature upon this hard service, and make thee pay, poor soul!


for fifty pages, which I have no right to sell thee, ----naked as I am, I would browse upon the mountains, and smile that the north wind brought me neither my tent or my supper.

for fifty pages, which I have no right to sell thee, - naked as I am, I would browse upon the mountains, and smile when the north wind brought me neither my tent nor my supper.


and make the best of thy way to _Boulogne_.


----Wh - - - - ysh----ysh----cried _Margarita_.


Sh - - - a----suh - u----shu - - u--sh - - aw----shaw'd the abbess.


----Whu--v--w----whew--w--w--whuv'd _Margarita_ pursing up her sweet lips betwixt a hoot and a whistle.

'Whu - w - whew,' whewed Margarita, pursing up her sweet lips.


Thump--thump--thump--obstreperated the abbess of _Andoillets_ with the end of her gold-headed cane against the bottom of the calesh----

Thump - thump - thump went the abbess with the end of her cane against the bottom of the carriage-


----Five years with a bib under his chin;

'- Five years with a bib under his chin;


Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to _Malachi_;


'A year and a half in learning to write his own name;


Seven long years and more -ing it, at Greek and Latin;

'Seven long years working at Greek and Latin;


Four years at his _probations_ and his _negations_--the fine statue still lying in the middle of the marble block, --and nothing done, but his tools sharpened to hew it out!

'Four years at his probations and negations - with the fine statue still lying in the middle of the marble block, and nothing done, except his tools sharpened to hew it out!


--Was not the great _Julius Scaliger_ within an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all?

Was not the great Julius Scaliger within an ace of never getting his tools sharpened at all?


------Forty-four years old was he before he could manage his Greek; --and _Peter Damianus_, lord bishop of _Ostia_, as all the world knows, could not so much as read, when he was of man's estate.

Forty-four years old was he before he could manage Greek; and Peter Damianus, bishop of Ostia, as all the world knows, could not read even when he was full-grown.


--And _Baldus_ himself, as eminent as he turned out after, entered upon the law so late in life, that everybody imagined he intended to be an advocate in the other world: no wonder, when _Eudamidas_, the son of _Archidamas_, heard _Xenocrates_ at seventy-five disputing about _wisdom_, that he asked gravely, --_If the old man be yet disputing and enquiring concerning wisdom, --what time will he have to make use of it?_

Baldus entered the law so late in life, that everybody imagined he intended to be an advocate in the other world.
'No wonder that, when Eudamidas heard Xenocrates at seventy-five discussing wisdom, he asked gravely, "If the old man is still disputing wisdom, what time will he have to make use of it?"'


_Yorick_ listened to my father with great attention; there was a seasoning of wisdom unaccountably mixed up with his strangest whims, and he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses, as almost atoned for them: --be wary, Sir, when you imitate him.

Yorick listened to my father with great attention; there was a seasoning of wisdom mixed up with his strangest whims, and he had sometimes such illuminations in the darkest of his eclipses, as almost atoned for them.


I am convinced, _Yorick_, continued my father, half reading and half discoursing, that there is a North-west passage to the intellectual world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of going to work, in furnishing itself with knowledge and instruction, than we generally take with it.

'I am convinced, Yorick,' continued my father, 'that there is a North-west passage to the intellectual world; and that the soul of man has shorter ways of acquiring knowledge, than we generally take.


all fields have not a river or a spring running besides them; --every child, _Yorick_, has not a parent to point it out.

Not every child, Yorick, has a parent to point it out.


----The whole entirely depends, added my father, in a low voice, upon the _auxiliary verbs_, Mr. _Yorick_.

'It entirely depends,' added my father in a low voice, 'upon the auxiliary verbs.'


Had _Yorick_ trod upon _Virgil's_ snake, he could not have looked more surprised.

Yorick could not have looked more surprised.


--I am surprised too, cried my father, observing it, --and I reckon it as one of the greatest calamities which ever befel the republic of letters, That those who have been entrusted with the education of our children, and whose business it was to open their minds, and stock them early with ideas, in order to set the imagination loose upon them, have made so little use of the auxiliary verbs in doing it, as they have done ----So that, except _Raymond Lullius_, and the elder _Pelegrini_, the last of which arrived to such perfection in the use of 'em, with his topics, that, in a few lessons, he could teach a young gentleman to discourse with plausibility upon any subject, _pro_ and _con_, and to say and write all that could be spoken or written concerning it, without blotting a word, to the admiration of all who beheld him.

'I am surprised too,' cried my father, observing it. 'I think it one of the greatest calamities, that those who have been entrusted with our children's education, and whose business it was to open their minds, and stock them early with ideas, have made so little use of the auxiliary verbs. - So that, except Raymond Lullius, and the elder Pelegrini, who used them so perfectly that, in a few lessons, he could teach a young gentleman to discuss any subject, pro and con, to the admiration of all-'


--I should be glad, said _Yorick_, interrupting my father, to be made to comprehend this matter.

'I should be glad,' said Yorick, interrupting, 'to understand this matter.'


The highest stretch of improvement a single word is capable of, is a high metaphor, ----for which, in my opinion, the idea is generally the worse, and not the better; ----but be that as it may, --when the mind has done that with it--there is an end, --the mind and the idea are at rest, --until a second idea enters; ----and so on.

'The greatest improvement a single word is capable of, is a high metaphor, - for which, in my opinion, the idea is generally the worse - but be that as it may - when the mind has done that, there is an end; the mind is at rest, until a second idea enters; and so on.


Now the use of the _Auxiliaries_ is, at once to set the soul a-going by herself upon the materials as they are brought her; and by the versability of this great engine, round which they are twisted, to open new tracts of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions.

'Now the use of the Auxiliaries is to set the soul a-going by herself upon the word; and by twisting them round this great engine, to open new areas of enquiry, and make every idea engender millions.'


You excite my curiosity greatly, said _Yorick_.

'You excite my curiosity greatly,' said Yorick.


For my own part, quoth my uncle _Toby_, I have given it up.

'For my own part,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'I have given up.'


----The _Danes_, an' please your honour, quoth the corporal, who were on the left at the siege of _Limerick_, were all auxiliaries.

'The Danes who were on the left at the siege of Limerick,' quoth corporal Trim, 'were all auxiliaries.'


----And very good ones, said my uncle _Toby_.

'And very good ones,' said my uncle Toby.


--But the auxiliaries, _Trim_, my brother is talking about, --I conceive to be different things.----

'But the auxiliaries my brother is talking about, I imagine to be different things.'


----All you need say of _Fontainbleau_ (in case you are ask'd) is, that it stands about forty miles (south _something_) from _Paris_, in the middle of a large forest ----That there is something great in it ----That the king goes there once every two or three years, with his whole court, for the pleasure of the chase--and that, during that carnival of sporting, any _English_ gentleman of fashion (you need not forget yourself) may be accommodated with a nag or two, to partake of the sport, taking care only not to out-gallop the king----

All you need say of Fontainebleau, if you are asked, is that it stands about forty miles from Paris, in the middle of a large forest - that the king goes there every two or three years, with his court, to hunt - and any English gentleman of fashion may be loaned a horse to join in, taking care only not to out-gallop the king.


Though there are two reasons why you need not talk loud of this to every one.

Though there are two reasons why you need not talk loud of this to everyone.


First, Because 'twill make the said nags the harder to be got; and

First, because 'twill make the said nags the harder to be got; and


Secondly, because 'tis not a word of it true.


As for SENS----you may dispatch--in a word------ "_'Tis an archiepiscopal see_."

As for Sens - you may dispatch it in a word - ''Tis an archiepiscopal see.'


----For JOIGNY--the less, I think, one says of it the better.

For Joigny - the less one says of it the better.


But for AUXERRE --I could go on for ever: for in my _grand tour_ through _Europe_, in which, after all, my father (not caring to trust me with any one) attended me himself, with my uncle _Toby_, and _Trim_, and _Obadiah_, and indeed most of the family, except my mother, who being taken up with a project of knitting my father a pair of large worsted breeches--(the thing is common sense)--and she not caring to be put out of her way, she staid at home, at SHANDY HALL, to keep things right during the expedition; in which, I say, my father stopping us two days at _Auxerre_, and his researches being ever of such a nature, that they would have found fruit even in a desert----he has left me enough to say upon AUXERRE: in short, wherever my father went----but 'twas more remarkably so, in this journey through _France_ and _Italy_, than in any other stages of his life----his road seemed to lie so much on one side of that, wherein all other travellers have gone before him--he saw kings and courts and silks of all colours, in such strange lights----and his remarks and reasonings upon the characters, the manners, and customs, of the countries we pass'd over, were so opposite to those of all other mortal men, particularly those of my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_--(to say nothing of myself)--and to crown all--the occurrences and scrapes which we were perpetually meeting and getting into, in consequence of his systems and opiniatry--they were of so odd, so mix'd and tragi-comical a contexture --That the whole put together, it appears of so different a shade and tint from any tour of _Europe_, which was ever executed--that I will venture to pronounce--the fault must be mine and mine only--if it be not read by all travellers and travel-readers, till travelling is no more, --or which comes to the same point--till the world, finally, takes it into its head to stand still.----

But as for Auxerre - I could go on for ever: for in my grand tour through Europe, in which my father accompanied me, with my uncle Toby, and Trim, and Obadiah, and indeed most of the family, except my mother, who being taken up with a project of knitting my father a pair of large worsted breeches, stayed at home at Shandy Hall to keep things right during the expedition; in which, I say, my father stopping us two days at Auxerre, his researches left me plenty to say upon it - in short, wherever my father went - but especially in this journey through France and Italy - he saw kings and courts in such strange lights - and his remarks upon the characters and customs of the countries we passed over, were so opposite to those of all other mortal men - and to crown all - the scrapes which we were perpetually getting into, because of his opinions, were so odd and tragi-comical - and the whole tour appears so different from any other tour of Europe which was ever executed - that I venture to say the fault must be mine if it be not read by all travellers, till the world stands still.


----But this rich bale is not to be open'd now; except a small thread or two of it, merely to unravel the mystery of my father's stay at AUXERRE.

But this rich bale is not to be opened now; except a small thread or two of it, merely to unravel the mystery of my father's stay at Auxerre, since I have mentioned it.


----As I have mentioned it--'tis too slight to be kept suspended; and when 'tis wove in, there is an end of it.


We'll go, brother _Toby_, said my father, whilst dinner is coddling--to the abby of Saint _Germain_, if it be only to see these bodies, of which Monsieur _Sequier_ has given such a recommendation.

'We'll go, brother Toby,' said my father, 'to the abbey of Saint Germain, to see these bodies which Monsieur Sequier recommends.'


----I'll go see any body, quoth my uncle _Toby_; for he was all compliance through every step of the journey ----Defend me!

'I'll go see any body,' quoth my uncle Toby; for he was all compliance throughout the journey.


said my father--they are all mummies ----Then one need not shave; quoth my uncle _Toby_ ----Shave!

'They are all mummies,' said my father.
'Then one need not shave,' quoth my uncle.
'Shave!


no--cried my father--'twill be more like relations to go with our beards on --So out we sallied, the corporal lending his master his arm, and bringing up the rear, to the abby of Saint _Germain_.

No,' cried my father - ''twill be more like family to go with our beards on.'
So out we went to the abbey of Saint Germain.


Everything is very fine, and very rich, and very superb, and very magnificent, said my father, addressing himself to the sacristan, who was a younger brother of the order of _Benedictines_--but our curiosity has led us to see the bodies, of which Monsieur _Sequier_ has given the world so exact a description.

'Everything is very fine, and very rich, and very superb, and very magnificent,' said my father to the sacristan, who was a Benedictine - 'but we hoped to see the bodies, of which Monsieur Sequier has given the world so exact a description.'


--The sacristan made a bow, and lighting a torch first, which he had always in the vestry ready for the purpose; he led us into the tomb of St. _Heribald_ ----This, said the sacristan, laying his hand upon the tomb, was a renowned prince of the house of _Bavaria_, who under the successive reigns of _Charlemagne_, _Louis le Debonnair_, and _Charles the Bald_, bore a great sway in the government, and had a principal hand in bringing everything into order and discipline----

The sacristan bowed, and lighting a torch, he led us into the tomb of St. Heribald.
'This,' said the sacristan, laying his hand upon the tomb, 'was a renowned prince of Bavaria, who under the reigns of Charlemagne, Louis and Charles the Bald, held great sway in the government.'


Then he has been as great, said my uncle, in the field, as in the cabinet ----I dare say he has been a gallant soldier ----He was a monk--said the sacristan.

'I dare say he was a gallant soldier too,' said my uncle.
'He was a monk,' said the sacristan.


My uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ sought comfort in each other's faces--but found it not: my father clapped both his hands upon his cod-piece, which was a way he had when anything hugely tickled him: for though he hated a monk and the very smell of a monk worse than all the devils in hell----yet the shot hitting my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ so much harder than him, 'twas a relative triumph; and put him into the gayest humour in the world.

My uncle Toby and Trim looked at each other, dismayed; but my father clapped both his hands upon his cod-piece, which was a way he had when anything hugely tickled him: for though he hated a monk worse than all the devils in hell - yet this shot hitting my uncle Toby put him into the gayest humour in the world.


----And pray what do you call this gentleman?

'And pray what do you call this gentleman?'


quoth my father, rather sportingly: This tomb, said the young _Benedictine_, looking downwards, contains the bones of Saint MAXIMA, who came from _Ravenna_ on purpose to touch the body----
----Of Saint MAXIMUS, said my father, popping in with his saint before him, --they were two of the greatest saints in the whole martyrology, added my father ----Excuse me, said the sacristan--------'twas to touch the bones of Saint _Germain_, the builder of the abby ----And what did she get by it?

quoth my father sportingly.
'This tomb,' said the young Benedictine, 'contains the bones of Saint Maxima, who came from Ravenna to touch the bones of Saint Germain, the builder of the abbey.'
'And what did she get by it?'


said my uncle _Toby_ ----What does any woman get by it?

said my uncle Toby.
'What does any woman get by it?'


said my father ----MARTYRDOME; replied the young _Benedictine_, making a bow down to the ground, and uttering the word with so humble but decisive a cadence, it disarmed my father for a moment.

said my father.
'Martyrdom,' replied the young Benedictine, with so humble yet decisive a tone, it disarmed my father for a moment.


'Tis supposed, continued the _Benedictine_, that St. _Maxima_ has lain in this tomb four hundred years, and two hundred before her canonization----'Tis but a slow rise, brother _Toby_, quoth my father, in this self-same army of martyrs.

''Tis supposed,' continued the Benedictine, 'that St. Maxima has lain in this tomb four hundred years, and two hundred before her canonization.'
''Tis a slow rise, brother Toby,' quoth my father, 'in this army of martyrs.'


----A desperate slow one, an' please your honour, said _Trim_, unless one could purchase ----I should rather sell out entirely, quoth my uncle _Toby_ ----I am pretty much of your opinion, brother _Toby_, said my father.

'A desperate slow one, your honour,' said Trim.


----Poor St. _Maxima!_ said my uncle _Toby_ low to himself, as we turn'd from her tomb: She was one of the fairest and most beautiful ladies either of _Italy_ or _France_, continued the sacristan ----But who the duce has got lain down here, besides her?

'Poor St. Maxima!' said my uncle Toby low to himself.
'She was one of the fairest ladies of Italy or France,' continued the sacristan.
'But who the deuce has got lain down here?'


quoth my father, pointing with his cane to a large tomb as we walked on ----It is Saint _Optat_, Sir, answered the sacristan ----And properly is Saint _Optat_ plac'd!

quoth my father, pointing with his cane to a large tomb as we walked on.
'It is Saint Optat, Sir,' answered the sacristan.


said my father: And what is Saint _Optat's_ story?


Saint _Optat_, replied the sacristan, was a bishop----


cried my father, interrupting him ----Saint _Optat!_----how should Saint _Optat_ fail?

cried my father, interrupting him. 'Saint Optat!'


so snatching out his pocket-book, and the young _Benedictine_ holding him the torch as he wrote, he set it down as a new prop to his system of Christian names, and I will be bold to say, so disinterested was he in the search of truth, that had he found a treasure in Saint _Optat's_ tomb, it would not have made him half so rich: 'Twas as successful a short visit as ever was paid to the dead; and so highly was his fancy pleas'd with all that had passed in it, --that he determined at once to stay another day in _Auxerre_.

and snatching out his pocket-book, he wrote it down as a new prop to his system of christian names. I will be so bold as to say that even if he had found a treasure in Saint Optat's tomb, it would not have made him half so rich. 'Twas as successful a visit as ever was paid to the dead; and so pleased was my father that he determined at once to stay another day in Auxerre.


--I'll see the rest of these good gentry to-morrow, said my father, as we cross'd over the square --And while you are paying that visit, brother _Shandy_, quoth my uncle _Toby_--the corporal and I will mount the ramparts.

'I'll see the rest of these good gentry to-morrow,' said my father, as we crossed the square.
'And while you are paying that visit, brother,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'the corporal and I will mount the ramparts.'


My father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death had pushed him down, for a full hour and a half before he began to play upon the floor with the toe of that foot which hung over the bed-side; my uncle _Toby's_ heart was a pound lighter for it.

My father lay stretched across the bed as still as if the hand of death had pushed him down, for a full hour and a half, before he began to play upon the floor with the foot which hung over the bed-side; my uncle Toby's heart was lighter for it.


------In a few moments, his left-hand, the knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon the handle of the chamber-pot, came to its feeling--he thrust it a little more within the valance--drew up his hand, when he had done, into his bosom--gave a hem!

In a few moments, his left-hand, which had all the time reclined upon the handle of the chamber-pot, thrust it a little more under the bed - he drew up his hand - gave a hem!


My good uncle _Toby_, with infinite pleasure, answered it; and full gladly would have ingrafted a sentence of consolation upon the opening it afforded: but having no talents, as I said, that way, and fearing moreover that he might set out with something which might make a bad matter worse, he contented himself with resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch.

My good uncle Toby, with infinite pleasure, answered it; and gladly would have added a sentence of consolation: but having no talents that way, and fearing that he might say something to make a bad matter worse, he contented himself with resting his chin placidly upon the cross of his crutch.


Now whether the compression shortened my uncle _Toby's_ face into a more pleasurable oval--or that the philanthropy of his heart, in seeing his brother beginning to emerge out of the sea of his afflictions, had braced up his muscles----so that the compression upon his chin only doubled the benignity which was there before, is not hard to decide.

Now whether the compression shortened my uncle Toby's face into a more pleasurable oval - or whether the philanthropy of his heart braced up his muscles, doubling the benignity which was there before, is not hard to decide.


----My father, in turning his eyes, was struck with such a gleam of sunshine in his face, as melted down the sullenness of his grief in a moment.

My father, in turning his eyes, was struck with such a gleam of sunshine in his face, as melted the sullenness of his grief in a moment.


"Now before I quit _Calais_," a travel-writer would say, "it would not be amiss to give some account of it."

'Now before I leave Calais,' a travel-writer would say, 'it would not be amiss to give some account of it.'


--Now I think it very much amiss--that a man cannot go quietly through a town and let it alone, when it does not meddle with him, but that he must be turning about and drawing his pen at every kennel he crosses over, merely o' my conscience for the sake of drawing it; because, if we may judge from what has been wrote of these things, by all who have _wrote and gallop'd_--or who have _gallop'd and wrote_, which is a different way still; or who, for more expedition than the rest, have _wrote galloping_, which is the way I do at present----from the great _Addison_, who did it with his satchel of school books hanging at his a--, and galling his beast's crupper at every stroke--there is not a gallopper of us all who might not have gone on ambling quietly in his own ground (in case he had any), and have wrote all he had to write, dryshod, as well as not.

Now I think it very much amiss that a man cannot go quietly through a town and let it alone, when it does not meddle with him; but he must be taking out his pen at every kennel he crosses over, for the sake of describing it. If we may judge from what has been wrote of these things, by all who have wrote and galloped - or who have galloped and wrote - or who have wrote galloping, which is the way I do - from the great Addison, who did it with his satchel of school books hanging at his a___, there is not a galloper of us all who might not have gone on ambling quietly in his own ground, and have wrote all he had to write there.


For my own part, as heaven is my judge, and to which I shall ever make my last appeal --I know no more of _Calais_ (except the little my barber told me of it as he was whetting his razor), than I do this moment of _Grand Cairo_; for it was dusky in the evening when I landed, and dark as pitch in the morning when I set out, and yet by merely knowing what is what, and by drawing this from that in one part of the town, and by spelling and putting this and that together in another --I would lay any travelling odds, that I this moment write a chapter upon _Calais_ as long as my arm; and with so distinct and satisfactory a detail of every item, which is worth a stranger's curiosity in the town--that you would take me for the town-clerk of _Calais_ itself--and where, sir, would be the wonder?

For my own part, as heaven is my judge - I know no more of Calais (except the little my barber told me of it as he was sharpening his razor), than I do of Cairo; for it was dusky evening when I landed, and as dark as pitch in the morning when I set out. Yet by merely knowing what is what, and by putting this and that together, I would lay odds that I could this moment write a chapter upon Calais as long as my arm; and with such distinct and satisfactory detail that you would take me for the town-clerk himself.


was not _Democritus_, who laughed ten times more than I--town-clerk of _Abdera?_ and was not (I forget his name) who had more discretion than us both, town-clerk of _Ephesus?_ ----it should be penn'd moreover, sir, with so much knowledge and good sense, and truth, and precision----

- It should be penned moreover, sir, with so much knowledge and good sense, and truth, and precision-


--Nay--if you don't believe me, you may read the chapter for your pains.

- Nay - if you don't believe me, you may read the chapter.


It is about an hour and a half's tolerable good reading since my uncle _Toby_ rung the bell, when _Obadiah_ was ordered to saddle a horse, and go for Dr. _Slop_, the man-midwife; --so that no one can say, with reason, that I have not allowed _Obadiah_ time enough, poetically speaking, and considering the emergency too, both to go and come; ----though, morally and truly speaking, the man perhaps has scarce had time to get on his boots.

It is about an hour and a half's good reading since my uncle Toby rung the bell, and Obadiah was ordered to go for Dr. Slop, the man-midwife; so no one can say that I have not allowed Obadiah time enough, poetically speaking, to go and return; - though, truly speaking, the man perhaps has scarce had time to get on his boots.


If the hypercritick will go upon this; and is resolved after all to take a pendulum, and measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of the bell, and the rap at the door; --and, after finding it to be no more than two minutes, thirteen seconds, and three fifths, --should take upon him to insult over me for such a breach in the unity, or rather probability of time; --I would remind him, that the idea of duration, and of its simple modes, is got merely from the train and succession of our ideas, ----and is the true scholastic pendulum, ----and by which, as a scholar, I will be tried in this matter, --abjuring and detesting the jurisdiction of all other pendulums whatever.

If the critic is resolved to measure the true distance betwixt the ringing of the bell and the rap at the door; and, finding it to be no more than two minutes thirteen seconds, should decide to insult me for such a breach in the probability of time; - I would remind him that the idea of duration is got merely from the succession of our ideas.


I would therefore desire him to consider that it is but poor eight miles from _Shandy-Hall_ to Dr. _Slop_, the man-midwife's house; --and that whilst _Obadiah_ has been going those said miles and back, I have brought my uncle _Toby_ from _Namur_, quite across all _Flanders_, into _England_: --That I have had him ill upon my hands near four years; --and have since travelled him and Corporal _Trim_ in a chariot-and-four, a journey of near two hundred miles down into _Yorkshire_, ----all which put together, must have prepared the reader's imagination for the entrance of Dr. _Slop_ upon the stage, --as much, at least (I hope) as a dance, a song, or a concerto between the acts.

I would ask him to consider that it is only eight miles from Shandy-Hall to Dr. Slop's house; and that whilst Obadiah has been going there and back, I have brought my uncle Toby from Namur, across all Flanders, into England: - that I have had him ill upon my hands four years; - and have taken him and Corporal Trim a journey of near two hundred miles into Yorkshire, all of which must have prepared the reader's imagination for the entrance of Dr. Slop upon the stage.


If my hypercritick is intractable, alledging, that two minutes and thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen seconds, --when I have said all I can about them; and that this plea, though it might save me dramatically, will damn me biographically, rendering my book from this very moment, a professed ROMANCE, which, before, was a book apocryphal: ----If I am thus pressed --I then put an end to the whole objection and controversy about it all at once, ----by acquainting him, that _Obadiah_ had not got above threescore yards from the stable-yard before he met with Dr. _Slop_; --and indeed he gave a dirty proof that he had met with him, and was within an ace of giving a tragical one too.

If my critic is intractable, alleging that two minutes and thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen seconds, and will render my book a Romance - if I am thus pressed - I then put an end to the whole objection, by informing him that Obadiah had got no more than sixty yards from the stable before he met with Dr. Slop; and indeed he gave a dirty proof that he had met with him, and was within an ace of giving a tragical one too.


Imagine to yourself; --but this had better begin a new chapter.

Imagine to yourself - but this had better begin a new chapter.


There will be just time, whilst my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ are walking to my father's, to inform you that Mrs. _Wadman_ had, some moons before this, made a confident of my mother; and that Mrs. _Bridget_, who had the burden of her own, as well as her mistress's secret to carry, had got happily delivered of both to _Susannah_ behind the garden-wall.

There will be just time, whilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to my father's, to inform you that Mrs. Wadman had, some months before this, confided in my mother; and that Mrs. Bridget, who had the burden of her own and her mistress's secret to carry, had got happily delivered of both to Susannah behind the garden-wall.


As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least bustle about----but _Susannah_ was sufficient by herself for all the ends and purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a family secret; for she instantly imparted it by signs to _Jonathan_----and _Jonathan_ by tokens to the cook as she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who truck'd it with the dairy maid for something of about the same value----and though whisper'd in the hay-loft, FAME caught the notes with her brazen trumpet, and sounded them upon the house-top --In a word, not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of my uncle _Toby's_ siege, and what were the secret articles which had delayed the surrender.----

As for my mother, she saw nothing in it to make a fuss about - but Susannah was the perfect means to export a family secret; for she instantly imparted it to Jonathan, and Jonathan to the cook; the cook sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who traded it with the dairy maid for something of about the same value - and though whispered in the hay-loft, Fame caught the notes with her brazen trumpet, and sounded them upon the house-top.
In a word, there was not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of my uncle Toby's siege, and what were the secret articles which had delayed the surrender.


My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis, by which means never man crucified TRUTH at the rate he did----had but just heard of the report as my uncle _Toby_ set out; and catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to _Yorick_, notwithstanding my mother was sitting by----not only, "That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was lust;" but that every evil and disorder in the world, of what kind or nature soever, from the first fall of _Adam_, down to my uncle _Toby's_ (inclusive), was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite.

My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis, by which means no man ever crucified Truth at the rate he did - had just heard of the report as my uncle Toby set out; and was demonstrating to Yorick, despite my mother sitting by - not only 'That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was lust;' but that every evil and disorder in the world, of whatever kind, from the first fall of Adam down to my uncle Toby's, was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite.


_Yorick_ was just bringing my father's hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle _Toby_ entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father's eloquence rekindled against the passion----and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wroth----as soon as my uncle _Toby_ was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner.

Yorick was trying to make my father's hypothesis more temperate, when my uncle Toby entered the room. At the infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father's eloquence rekindled against the passion - and as he was not very fastidious in his choice of words when he was angry, as soon as my uncle Toby was seated by the fire, my father broke out in this manner.


With two or three other trinkets, small in themselves, but of great regard, which poor _Tom_, the corporal's unfortunate brother, had sent him over, with the account of his marriage with the _Jew's_ widow----there was

Poor Tom, the corporal's unfortunate brother who married the Jew's widow, had sent him over some trinkets, amongst which there was


A _Montero_-cap and two _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes.

A Montero-cap and two Turkish tobacco-pipes.


The _Montero_-cap I shall describe by and bye.


----The _Turkish_ tobacco-pipes had nothing particular in them, they were fitted up and ornamented as usual, with flexible tubes of _Morocco_ leather and gold wire, and mounted at their ends, the one of them with ivory, --the other with black ebony, tipp'd with silver.

The Turkish tobacco-pipes were ornamented with flexible tubes of Morocco leather and gold wire, and mounted at their ends, one with ivory, the other with black ebony, tipped with silver.


My father, who saw all things in lights different from the rest of the world, would say to the corporal, that he ought to look upon these two presents more as tokens of his brother's nicety, than his affection.


----_Tom_ did not care, _Trim_, he would say, to put on the cap, or to smoke in the tobacco-pipe of a _Jew_.


----God bless your honour, the corporal would say, (giving a strong reason to the contrary)--how can that be?


The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine _Spanish_ cloth, dyed in grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue, slightly embroidered, --and seemed to have been the property of a _Portuguese_ quartermaster, not of foot, but of horse, as the word denotes.

The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine Spanish cloth, mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue embroidered cloth. It seemed to have been the property of a Portuguese quartermaster.


The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its own sake, as the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it on but upon GALA-days; and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all controverted points, whether military or culinary, provided the corporal was sure he was in the right, --it was either his _oath_, --his _wager_, --or his _gift_.

The corporal was proud of it, for its own sake as well as for the sake of the giver, so he seldom wore it; and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all disputed points, provided the corporal was sure he was in the right, it was either his oath, his wager, or his gift.


I'll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to _give_ away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honour's satisfaction.

'I'll be bound,' said the corporal to himself, 'to give away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honour's satisfaction.'


The completion was no further off than the very next morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the _Lower Deule_, to the right, and the gate _St. Andrew_, --and on the left, between St. _Magdalen's_ and the river.

He completed it the very next morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the Lower Deule and St Andrew's Gate; and on the left, between St. Magdalen's and the river.


As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war, --the most gallant and obstinate on both sides, --and I must add the most bloody too, for it cost the allies themselves that morning above eleven hundred men, --my uncle _Toby_ prepared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity.

As this was the most memorable, gallant and bloody attack in the whole war, my uncle Toby prepared himself for it with more than ordinary solemnity.


The eve which preceded, as my uncle _Toby_ went to bed, he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old compaigning trunk, which stood by his bedside, to be taken out and laid upon the lid of it, ready for the morning; --and the very first thing he did in his shirt, when he had stepped out of bed, my uncle _Toby_, after he had turned the rough side outwards, --put it on: ----This done, he proceeded next to his breeches, and having buttoned the waistband, he forthwith buckled on his sword-belt, and had got his sword half way in, --when he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on, --so took it off: ----In assaying to put on his regimental coat and waistcoat, my uncle _Toby_ found the same objection in his wig, --so that went off too: --So that what with one thing and what with another, as always falls out when a man is in the most haste, --'twas ten o'clock, which was half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle _Toby_ sallied out.

The evening before, as my uncle Toby went to bed, he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old campaigning trunk, to be taken out, ready for the morning; - and the first thing he did, when he had stepped out of bed, was to put it on.
He proceeded next to his breeches, and buckled on his sword-belt. He had got his sword half way in, when he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on, so took it off. He then found the same objection in his wig - so that went off too. So that what with one thing and another, 'twas ten o'clock, half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle Toby sallied out.


----We'll not stop two moments, my dear Sir, --only, as we have got through these five volumes,[6.1] (do, Sir, sit down upon a set----they are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have pass'd through.----

We'll not stop two moments, my dear Sir, - only, as we have got through five volumes, (do, Sir, sit down upon a set - they are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have passed through.