Rub your hands thrice across your foreheads--blow your noses--cleanse your emunctories--sneeze, my good people!

Rub your hands thrice across your foreheads - blow your noses - sneeze, my good people!


From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the _Shandy_ family----and it is from this point properly, that the story of my LIFE and my OPINIONS sets out.

From this moment I am to be considered as heir-apparent to the Shandy family - and it is from this point properly that the story of my Life and my Opinions begins.


With all my hurry and precipitation, I have but been clearing the ground to raise the building----and such a building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned, and as never was executed since _Adam_.

With all my hurry, I have merely been clearing the ground to raise the building - and such a building do I foresee it will turn out, as never was planned and executed since Adam.


In less than five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is left remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after it --I have but half a score things to do in the time ----I have a thing to name----a thing to lament----a thing to hope----a thing to promise, and a thing to threaten --I have a thing to suppose--a thing to declare----a thing to conceal----a thing to choose, and a thing to pray for ------This chapter, therefore, I _name_ the chapter of THINGS------and my next chapter to it, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, if I live, shall be my chapter upon WHISKERS, in order to keep up some sort of connection in my works.

In five minutes I shall have thrown my pen into the fire, and my last drop of ink with it. I have ten things to do in that time - I have a thing to name - a thing to lament - a thing to hope - a thing to promise, and a thing to threaten - I have a thing to suppose - a thing to declare - a thing to conceal - a thing to choose, and a thing to pray for.
This chapter, therefore, I name the chapter of Things - and my next chapter, that is, the first chapter of my next volume, shall be my chapter upon Whiskers.


The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards which I have all the way looked forwards, with so much earnest desire; and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle _Toby_, the events of which are of so singular a nature, and so Cervantick a cast, that if I can so manage it, as to convey but the same impressions to every other brain, which the occurrences themselves excite in my own --I will answer for it the book shall make its way in the world, much better than its master has done before it.

The thing I lament is, that things have crowded in so thick upon me, that I have not been able to get into that part of my work, towards which I have always looked forwards with earnest desire; and that is the Campaigns, but especially the amours of my uncle Toby, the events of which are of so singular and Cervantick a nature, that if I can manage to convey the same impressions to every other brain, which they excite in mine - my book shall make its way in the world much better than I have done.


----Oh _Tristram!_ _Tristram!_ can this but be once brought about----the credit, which will attend thee as an author, shall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a man----thou wilt feast upon the one----when thou hast lost all sense and remembrance of the other!----

Oh Tristram! Tristram! can this but be brought about - thy credit as an author shall counterbalance the many evils which have befallen thee as a man!


No wonder I itch so much as I do, to get at these amours --They are the choicest morsel of my whole story!

No wonder I itch so much to get at these amours. - They are the choicest morsel of my whole story!


and when I do get at 'em----assure yourselves, good folks--(nor do I value whose squeamish stomach takes offence at it) I shall not be at all nice in the choice of my words!

and when I do get at 'em - assure yourselves, good folks, I shall not be dainty in my choice of words!


----and that's the thing I have to _declare_.


------I shall never get all through in five minutes, that I fear----and the thing I _hope_ is, that your worships and reverences are not offended--if you are, depend upon't I'll give you something, my good gentry, next year to be offended at----that's my dear _Jenny's_ way--but who my _Jenny_ is--and which is the right and which the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be _concealed_--it shall be told you in the next chapter but one to my chapter of Button-holes----and not one chapter before.

I shall never get through them all in five minutes, I fear - and the thing I hope is, that your worships are not offended - if you are, depend upon it, I'll give you something next year to be offended at - that's my dear Jenny's way - but who my Jenny is, and which is the right and the wrong end of a woman, is the thing to be concealed - it shall be told you in the next chapter but one after my chapter of Button-holes - and not one chapter before.


And now that you have just got to the end of these[4.14] four volumes----the thing I have to _ask_ is, how you feel your heads?

And now that you have got to the end of these four volumes - the thing I have to ask is, how do your heads feel?


------as for your healths, I know, they are much better.

As for your healths, I know they are better.


--True _Shandeism_, think what you will against it, opens the heart and lungs, and like all those affections which partake of its nature, it forces the blood and other vital fluids of the body to run freely through its channels, makes the wheel of life run long and chearfully round.

True Shandeism opens the heart and lungs, and forces the blood to run freely through its channels, making the wheel of life run long and cheerfully round.


Was I left, like _Sancho Panca_, to choose my kingdom, it should not be maritime--or a kingdom of blacks to make a penny of; --no, it should be a kingdom of hearty laughing subjects: And as the bilious and more saturnine passions, by creating disorders in the blood and humours, have as bad an influence, I see, upon the body politick as body natural----and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern those passions, and subject them to reason ------I should add to my prayer--that God would give my subjects grace to be as WISE as they were MERRY; and then should I be the happiest monarch, and they the happiest people under heaven.

If I was allowed, like Sancho Panza, to choose my kingdom, it should be a kingdom of hearty laughing subjects. And as the bilious passions, by creating disorders in the blood, have as bad an influence upon the body politic as the body natural - and as nothing but a habit of virtue can fully govern those passions - I would add to my prayer that God would make my subjects as Wise as they were Merry; and then should I be the happiest monarch, and they the happiest people under heaven.


And so, with this moral for the present, may it please your worships and your reverences, I take my leave of you till this time twelve-month, when, (unless this vile cough kills me in the meantime) I'll have another pluck at your beards, and lay open a story to the world you little dream of.

And so, with this moral, I take my leave of your worships till this time twelve-month, when, (unless this vile cough kills me in the meantime) I'll lay open to the world a story you little dream of.


[Footnote 4.14: According to the original Editions.]


THE LIFE AND OPINIONS OF TRISTRAM SHANDY GENTLEMAN


Dixero si quid fort jocosius, hoc mihi juris Cum venia dabis.


--Si quis calumnietur levius esse quam decet theologum, aut mordacius quam deceat Christianum--non Ego, sed Democritus dixit.


Si quis Clericus, aut Monachus, verba joculatoria, risum moventia, sciebat, anathema esto.


I humbly beg leave to offer you these two Volumes;[D.1] they are the best my talents, with such bad health as I have, could produce: --had Providence granted me a larger stock of either, they had been a much more proper present to your Lordship.


I beg your Lordship will forgive me, if, at the same time I dedicate this work to you, I join Lady SPENCER, in the liberty I take of inscribing the story of _Le Fever_ to her name; for which I have no other motive, which my heart has informed me of, but that the story is a humane one.


Your Lordship's most devoted and most humble Servant,


Tho' the shock my uncle _Toby_ received the year after the demolition of _Dunkirk_, in his affair with widow _Wadman_, had fixed him in a resolution never more to think of the sex--or of aught which belonged to it; --yet corporal _Trim_ had made no such bargain with himself.

Though the shock my uncle Toby received in his affair with widow Wadman made him resolve never more to think of the female sex, yet corporal Trim had made no such bargain with himself.


Indeed in my uncle _Toby's_ case there was a strange and unaccountable concurrence of circumstances, which insensibly drew him in, to lay siege to that fair and strong citadel.

In my uncle Toby's case there was a strange and unaccountable meeting of circumstances, which drew him in to lay siege to that fair citadel.


----In _Trim's_ case there was a concurrence of nothing in the world, but of him and _Bridget_ in the kitchen; --though in truth, the love and veneration he bore his master was such, and so fond was he of imitating him in all he did, that had my uncle _Toby_ employed his time and genius in tagging of points ----I am persuaded the honest corporal would have laid down his arms, and followed his example with pleasure.

In Trim's case there was a meeting of nothing, but of him and Bridget in the kitchen.


When therefore my uncle _Toby_ sat down before the mistress--corporal _Trim_ incontinently took ground before the maid.

When my uncle Toby sat down before the widow, corporal Trim stood before the maid.


Now, my dear friend _Garrick_, whom I have so much cause to esteem and honour--(why, or wherefore, 'tis no matter)--can it escape your penetration --I defy it--that so many playwrights, and opificers of chit-chat have ever since been working upon _Trim's_ and my uncle _Toby's_ pattern.


----I care not what _Aristotle_, or _Pacuvius_, or _Bossu_, or _Ricaboni_ say--(though I never read one of them)----there is not a greater difference between a single-horse chair and madam _Pompadour's_ _vis--vis_; than betwixt a single amour, and an amour thus nobly doubled, and going upon all four, prancing throughout a grand drama ----Sir, a simple, single, silly affair of that kind--is quite lost in five acts; --but that is neither here nor there.


After a series of attacks and repulses in a course of nine months on my uncle _Toby's_ quarter, a most minute account of every particular of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle _Toby_, honest man!

After a series of attacks and repulses by my uncle Toby over nine months, a most minute account of which shall be given in its proper place, my uncle Toby, honest man!


found it necessary to draw off his forces and raise the siege somewhat indignantly.


Corporal _Trim_, as I said, had made no such bargain either with himself----or with any one else----the fidelity however of his heart not suffering him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with disgust----he contented himself with turning his part of the siege into a blockade; --that is, he kept others off; --for though he never after went to the house, yet he never met _Bridget_ in the village, but he would either nod or wink, or smile, or look kindly at her--or (as circumstances directed) he would shake her by the hand--or ask her lovingly how she did--or would give her a ribbon--and now-and-then, though never but when it could be done with decorum, would give _Bridget_ a--

Corporal Trim, as I said, had made no such bargain with himself. However, his faithful heart not allowing him to go into a house which his master had forsaken with disgust - he contented himself with a blockade; - that is, he kept others off. For though he never went to the house, when he met Bridget in the village, it was with a nod, or a smile; he would shake her hand - or ask her lovingly how she did - or give her a ribbon - and now-and-then, though only when it could be done with decorum, would give her a -


Precisely in this situation, did these things stand for five years; that is, from the demolition of _Dunkirk_ in the year 13, to the latter end of my uncle _Toby's_ campaign in the year 18, which was about six or seven weeks before the time I'm speaking of.

Things stood in this situation for five years; from the demolition of Dunkirk in 1713, to the end of my uncle Toby's campaign in 1718.


----When _Trim_, as his custom was, after he had put my uncle _Toby_ to bed, going down one moonshiny night to see that everything was right at his fortifications----in the lane separated from the bowling-green with flowering shrubs and holly--he espied his _Bridget_.

Trim, after he had put my uncle Toby to bed as usual, was going one moonshiny night to see that everything was right at his fortifications, when in the lane separated from the bowling-green with flowering shrubs he espied his Bridget.


As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth shewing as the glorious works which he and my uncle _Toby_ had made, _Trim_ courteously and gallantly took her by the hand, and led her in: this was not done so privately, but that the foul-mouth'd trumpet of Fame carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reach'd my father's, with this untoward circumstance along with it, that my uncle _Toby's_ curious drawbridge, constructed and painted after the _Dutch_ fashion, and which went quite across the ditch--was broke down, and somehow or other crushed all to pieces that very night.

As the corporal thought there was nothing in the world so well worth showing her as the glorious works which he and my uncle Toby had made, he courteously took her hand, and led her in.
But the foul-mouthed trumpet of Fame carried a report of this from ear to ear, till at length it reached my father - along with this strange circumstance, that my uncle Toby's Dutch drawbridge, which went across the ditch, was somehow broken and crushed all to pieces that very night.


My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle _Toby's_ hobby-horse, he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever gentleman mounted; and indeed unless my uncle _Toby_ vexed him about it, could never think of it once, without smiling at it----so that it could never get lame or happen any mischance, but it tickled my father's imagination beyond measure; but this being an accident much more to his humour than any one which had yet befall'n it, it proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him.

My father, as you have observed, had no great esteem for my uncle Toby's hobby-horse; he thought it the most ridiculous horse that ever gentleman mounted. So this accident tickled my father's imagination beyond measure, and proved an inexhaustible fund of entertainment to him.


----Well----but dear _Toby!_ my father would say, do tell me seriously how this affair of the bridge happened.

'Well - dear Toby!' my father would say, 'do tell me how this affair of the bridge happened.'


----How can you tease me so much about it?


my uncle _Toby_ would reply --I have told it you twenty times, word for word as _Trim_ told it me.

my uncle Toby would reply. 'I have told you twenty times, word for word as Trim told me.'


--It was a mere misfortune, an' please your honour; ----I was shewing Mrs. _Bridget_ our fortifications, and in going too near the edge of the fosse, I unfortunately slipp'd in ----Very well, _Trim!_ my father would cry----(smiling mysteriously, and giving a nod--but without interrupting him)----and being link'd fast, an' please your honour, arm in arm with Mrs. _Bridget_, I dragg'd her after me, by means of which she fell backwards soss against the bridge----and _Trim's_ foot (my uncle _Toby_ would cry, taking the story out of his mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled full against the bridge too.

'It was a mere misfortune, your honour; I was showing Mrs. Bridget our fortifications, and going too near the edge of the ditch, I unfortunately slipped in. And being linked arm in arm with Mrs. Bridget, I dragged her after me, and she fell backwards against the bridge-'
'- and Trim's foot' (my uncle Toby would cry) 'getting into the cuvette, he tumbled against the bridge too.


--It was a thousand to one, my uncle _Toby_ would add, that the poor fellow did not break his leg.

It was fortunate that the poor fellow did not break his leg.'


------Ay truly, my father would say---- a limb is soon broke, brother _Toby_, in such encounters.

'Ay truly,' my father would say, 'a limb is soon broke in such encounters.'


----And so, an' please your honour, the bridge, which your honour knows was a very slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces.

'And so, your honour, the bridge, which was a very slight one, was broke down betwixt us, and splintered all to pieces.'


At other times, but especially when my uncle _Toby_ was so unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons, bombs, or petards--my father would exhaust all the stores of his eloquence (which indeed were very great) in a panegyric upon the BATTERING-RAMS of the ancients--the VINEA which _Alexander_ made use of at the siege of _Troy_.

At other times, when my uncle Toby was so unfortunate as to say a syllable about cannons or bombs, my father would expound upon the Battering-Rams of the ancients.


--He would tell my uncle _Toby_ of the CATAPULT of the _Syrians_, which threw such monstrous stones so many hundred feet, and shook the strongest bulwarks from their very foundation: --he would go on and describe the wonderful mechanism of the BALLISTA which _Marcellinus_ makes so much rout about! --the terrible effects of the PYROBOLI, which cast fire; ----the danger of the TEREBRA and SCORPIO, which cast javelins.

- He would tell my uncle Toby of the Syrian Catapults, which threw such monstrous stones so many hundred feet, that they shook the strongest bulwarks to their very foundation: he would describe the wonderful mechanism of the Ballista - the terrible effects of the fire-hurling Pyroboli - the danger of the Terebra and Scorpio.


----But what are these, would he say, to the destructive machinery of corporal _Trim?_ ----Believe me, brother _Toby_, no bridge, or bastion, or sally-port, that ever was constructed in this world, can hold out against such artillery.

'But what are these,' he would say, 'to the destructive machinery of corporal Trim? No bridge that ever was constructed can hold out against such artillery.'


My uncle _Toby_ would never attempt any defence against the force of this ridicule, but that of redoubling the vehemence of smoaking his pipe; in doing which, he raised so dense a vapour one night after supper, that it set my father, who was a little phthisical, into a suffocating fit of violent coughing: my uncle _Toby_ leap'd up without feeling the pain upon his groin--and, with infinite pity, stood beside his brother's chair, tapping his back with one hand, and holding his head with the other, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his pocket.

My uncle Toby would never attempt any defence against this ridicule, except by smoking his pipe with redoubled vehemence. In doing this, he raised so dense a smoke one night, that it set my father into a fit of violent coughing.
My uncle Toby leaped up without feeling the pain in his groin - and, with infinite pity, stood beside his brother, tapping his back, and holding his head, and from time to time wiping his eyes with a clean handkerchief.


----The affectionate and endearing manner in which my uncle _Toby_ did these little offices--cut my father thro' his reins, for the pain he had just been giving him.

The affectionate manner in which he did this cut my father to the quick for the pain he had just been giving him.


----May my brains be knock'd out with a battering-ram or a catapulta, I care not which, quoth my father to himself--if ever I insult this worthy soul more!

'May my brains be knocked out with a battering-ram,' quoth my father to himself, 'if ever I insult this worthy soul again!'


As Mrs. _Bridget's_ finger and thumb were upon the latch, the corporal did not knock as oft as perchance your honour's taylor ----I might have taken my example something nearer home; for I owe mine, some five and twenty pounds at least, and wonder at the man's patience----

As Mrs. Bridget's finger and thumb were upon the latch, the corporal did not knock as often as perhaps your honour's tailor does - certainly not as often as mine; for I owe him five and twenty pounds at least, and wonder at the man's patience.


----But this is nothing at all to the world: only 'tis a cursed thing to be in debt, and there seems to be a fatality in the exchequers of some poor princes, particularly those of our house, which no Economy can bind down in irons: for my own part, I'm persuaded there is not any one prince, prelate, pope, or potentate, great or small upon earth, more desirous in his heart of keeping straight with the world than I am---- or who takes more likely means for it.

- But this is nothing to the world: only 'tis a cursed thing to be in debt, and there seems to be a fatality in the exchequer of our house; I'm persuaded there is no prince, pope, or potentate who more desires to keep straight with the world than I do - or who takes more likely means for it.


I never give above half a guinea----or walk with boots----or cheapen tooth-picks----or lay out a shilling upon a band-box the year round; and for the six months I'm in the country, I'm upon so small a scale, that with all the good temper in the world, I outdo _Rousseau_, a bar length------for I keep neither man or boy, or horse, or cow, or dog, or cat, or anything that can eat or drink, except a thin poor piece of a Vestal (to keep my fire in), and who has generally as bad an appetite as myself----but if you think this makes a philosopher of me ----I would not my good people! give a rush for your judgments.

I never give above half a guinea - or walk with boots - or cheapen tooth-picks - or pay a shilling for a band-box; and for the six months I'm in the countryside, I live on so small a scale that I outdo Rousseau - for I keep no man-servant, or horse, or cow, or dog, or cat, or anything that can eat or drink, except a thin poor piece of a Vestal housemaid (to keep my fire in), who has generally as bad an appetite as myself - but if you think this makes a philosopher of me - I would not give a rush for your judgments.


True philosophy----but there is no treating the subject whilst my uncle is whistling Lillabullero.

True philosophy - but there is no treating the subject whilst my uncle is whistling Lillabullero.


It was undoubtedly, said my uncle _Toby_, a great happiness for myself and the corporal, that we had all along a burning fever, attended with a most raging thirst, during the whole five-and-twenty days the flux was upon us in the camp; otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisture, must, as I conceive it, inevitably have got the better.

'It was undoubtedly,' said my uncle Toby, 'a great happiness for myself and the corporal, that we had a burning fever, and a raging thirst, during the whole five-and-twenty days that dysentery was in the camp; otherwise what my brother calls the radical moisture must have got the better of us.'


----My father drew in his lungs top-full of air, and looking up, blew it forth again, as slowly as he possibly could.----

My father drew in his lungs top-full of air, and blew it forth again, as slowly as he could.


------It was Heaven's mercy to us, continued my uncle _Toby_, which put it into the corporal's head to maintain that due contention betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture, by reinforcing the fever, as he did all along, with hot wine and spices; whereby the corporal kept up (as it were) a continual firing, so that the radical heat stood its ground from the beginning to the end, and was a fair match for the moisture, terrible as it was.

'It was Heaven's mercy,' continued my uncle, 'which put it into the corporal's head to keep that contention betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture, by reinforcing the fever with hot wine and spices; he kept up a continual firing, so that the radical heat stood its ground, and was a fair match for the moisture, terrible as it was.


----Upon my honour, added my uncle _Toby_, you might have heard the contention within our bodies, brother _Shandy_, twenty toises.

- Upon my honour,' added my uncle Toby, 'you might have heard the contention within our bodies, brother, twenty miles away.'


--If there was no firing, said _Yorick_.


Well--said my father, with a full aspiration, and pausing a while after the word --Was I a judge, and the laws of the country which made me one permitted it, I would condemn some of the worst malefactors, provided they had had their clergy-------- ----_Yorick_, foreseeing the sentence was likely to end with no sort of mercy, laid his hand upon my father's breast, and begged he would respite it for a few minutes, till he asked the corporal a question.

'Well,' said my father, 'if I was a judge, and the laws permitted it, I would condemn some of the worst malefactors-'
Yorick, foreseeing the sentence was likely to end with no mercy, laid his hand upon my father's breast, and begged he would wait for a few minutes, till he asked the corporal a question.


----Prithee, _Trim_, said _Yorick_, without staying for my father's leave, --tell us honestly--what is thy opinion concerning this self-same radical heat and radical moisture?

'Prithee, Trim,' said Yorick, 'tell us honestly - what is thy opinion of this radical heat and radical moisture?'


With humble submission to his honour's better judgment, quoth the corporal, making a bow to my uncle _Toby_ --Speak thy opinion freely, corporal, said my uncle _Toby_.

'With humble submission to his honour's better judgment,' quoth the corporal, bowing to my uncle Toby.
'Speak thy opinion freely, corporal,' said my uncle.


--The poor fellow is my servant, --not my slave, --added my uncle _Toby_, turning to my father.----


The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his stick hanging upon the wrist of it, by a black thong split into a tassel about the knot, he marched up to the ground where he had performed his catechism; then touching his under-jaw with the thumb and fingers of his right-hand before he opened his mouth, ----he delivered his notion thus.

The corporal put his hat under his left arm, and with his stick hanging upon his wrist, he marched up to the place where he had performed his catechism; then putting his hand to his underjaw, he delivered his notion thus.


I solemnly declare to all mankind, that the above dedication was made for no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, or Potentate, --Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, of this, or any other Realm in Christendom; ----nor has it yet been hawked about, or offered publicly or privately, directly or indirectly, to any one person or personage, great or small; but is honestly a true Virgin-Dedication untried on, upon any soul living.

I solemnly declare that the above dedication was made for no one Prince, Pope, or Potentate, Duke, Marquis, Earl, or Baron, of this, or any other Realm; nor has it yet been hawked about, or offered to any person; but is honestly a true Virgin-Dedication untried upon any soul living.


I labour this point so particularly, merely to remove any offence or objection which might arise against it from the manner in which I propose to make the most of it; --which is the putting it up fairly to public sale; which I now do.

I make this point merely to remove any objection which might arise against the use I propose to make of it; - which is to put it up for public sale; as I now do.


----Every author has a way of his own in bringing his points to bear; --for my own part, as I hate chaffering and higgling for a few guineas in a dark entry; --I resolved within myself, from the very beginning, to deal squarely and openly with your Great Folks in this affair, and try whether I should not come off the better by it.

As I hate bargaining and haggling for a few guineas in a dark entry, I resolved, from the very beginning, to deal openly with your Great Folks in this affair, and see whether I should not come off the better by it.


If therefore there is any one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, in these his Majesty's dominions, who stands in need of a tight, genteel dedication, and whom the above will suit, (for by the bye, unless it suits in some degree, I will not part with it)----it is much at his service for fifty guineas; ----which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it ought to be afforded for, by any man of genius.

If therefore there is any Duke, Marquis, Earl, or Baron, in this land, who stands in need of a tight, genteel dedication, and whom the above will suit, it is at his service for fifty guineas; - which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it ought to cost.


My Lord, if you examine it over again, it is far from being a gross piece of daubing, as some dedications are.

My Lord, if you examine it again, it is far from being a gross piece of daubing, as some dedications are.


The design, your Lordship sees, is good, --the colouring transparent, --the drawing not amiss; --or to speak more like a man of science, --and measure my piece in the painter's scale, divided into 20, --I believe, my Lord, the outlines will turn out as 12, --the composition as 9, --the colouring as 6, --the expression 13 and a half, --and the design, --if I may be allowed, my Lord, to understand my own _design_, and supposing absolute perfection in designing, to be as 20, --I think it cannot well fall short of 19.

The design, your Lordship sees, is good, the colouring transparent, the drawing not amiss; - or to speak more like a man of science, and to measure my piece in the painter's scale, divided into 20 - I believe, my Lord, the outlines will turn out as 12, the composition as 9, the colouring as 6, the expression 13 and a half, and the design - if I may be allowed, my Lord, to understand my own design, and supposing absolute perfection to be 20, - I think it cannot fall short of 19.


Besides all this, --there is keeping in it, and the dark strokes in the HOBBY-HORSE, (which is a secondary figure, and a kind of back-ground to the whole) give great force to the principal lights in your own figure, and make it come off wonderfully; ----and besides, there is an air of originality in the _tout ensemble_.

Besides all this, the dark strokes in the Hobby-Horse (which is a kind of background to the whole) give great force to your own figure, and make it come off wonderfully; and there is an air of originality in the whole arrangement.


Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the sum to be paid into the hands of Mr. _Dodsley_, for the benefit of the author; and in the next edition care shall be taken that this chapter be expunged, and your Lordship's titles, distinctions, arms, and good actions, be placed at the front of the preceding chapter: All which, from the words, _De gustibus non est disputandum_, and whatever else in this book relates to HOBBY-HORSES, but no more, shall stand dedicated to your Lordship.

Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the sum to be paid to Mr. Dodsley, for the benefit of the author; and in the next edition care shall be taken that this chapter be removed, and your Lordship's titles, distinctions, coat of arms, and good actions, be placed at the front of the preceding chapter - all of which, from the words, De gustibus non est disputandum, and whatever else in this book relates to Hobby-Horses, but no more, shall stand dedicated to your Lordship.


--The rest I dedicate to the MOON, who, by the bye, of all the PATRONS or MATRONS I can think of, has most power to set my book a-going, and make the world run mad after it.

The rest I dedicate to the Moon, who of all Patrons or Matrons has most power to set my book a-going, and make the world run mad after it.


If thou art not too busy with CANDID and Miss CUNEGUND'S affairs, --take _Tristram Shandy's_ under thy protection also.

If thou art not too busy with Candid and Miss Cunegund's affairs - take Tristram Shandy's under thy protection also.


O there is a sweet ra in the life of man, when (the brain being tender and fibrillous, and more like pap than anything else)----a story read of two fond lovers, separated from each other by cruel parents, and by still more cruel destiny----

O there is a sweet era in the life of man, when (the brain being tender as pap) a story of two fond lovers, separated by cruel parents, and by crueller destiny-


_Amandus_ taken captive by the _Turks_, and carried to the emperor of _Morocco's_ court, where the princess of _Morocco_ falling in love with him, keeps him twenty years in prison for the love of his _Amanda_.----

- Amandus taken captive by the Turks, and carried to the emperor of Morocco's court, where the princess of Morocco falls in love with him and keeps him twenty years in prison for the love of his Amanda-


She--(_Amanda_) all the time wandering barefoot, and with dishevell'd hair, o'er rocks and mountains, enquiring for _Amandus!_----_Amandus!

- she (Amanda) all the time wandering barefoot o'er rocks and mountains, calling Amandus!


Amandus!_--making every hill and valley to echo back his name----

Amandus! - making every hill echo back his name-


at every town and city, sitting down forlorn at the gate ----Has _Amandus!_--has my _Amandus_ enter'd?

- at every town, sitting down forlorn at the gate - 'Has my Amandus entered?'


----till, ----going round, and round, and round the world----chance unexpected bringing them at the same moment of the night, though by different ways, to the gate of _Lyons_, their native city, and each in well-known accents calling out aloud,

- till going round and round the world - chance bringing them at the same moment to the gate of Lyons, their native city, and calling out aloud,


Is _Amandus_ } Is my _Amanda_ } still alive?

'Is Amandus-
'Is my Amanda-
'-still alive?


they fly into each other's arms, and both drop down dead for joy.

- they fly into each other's arms, and both drop down dead for joy-


There is a soft ra in every gentle mortal's life, where such a story affords more _pabulum_ to the brain, than all the _Frusts_, and _Crusts_, and _Rusts_ of antiquity, which travellers can cook up for it.

There is a soft era in every gentle mortal's life, where such a story entertains the brain more than all the Crusts and Rusts of antiquity.


----'Twas all that stuck on the right side of the cullender in my own, of what _Spon_ and others, in their accounts of _Lyons_, had _strained_ into it; and finding, moreover, in some Itinerary, but in what God knows ----That sacred to the fidelity of _Amandus_ and _Amanda_, a tomb was built without the gates, where, to this hour, lovers called upon them to attest their truths ----I never could get into a scrape of that kind in my life, but this _tomb of the lovers_ would, somehow or other, come in at the close----nay such a kind of empire had it establish'd over me, that I could seldom think or speak of _Lyons_--and sometimes not so much as see even a _Lyons-waistcoat_, but this remnant of antiquity would present itself to my fancy; and I have often said in my wild way of running on----tho' I fear with some irreverence---- "I thought this shrine (neglected as it was) as valuable as that of _Mecca_, and so little short, except in wealth, of the _Santa Casa_ itself, that some time or other, I would go a pilgrimage (though I had no other business at _Lyons_) on purpose to pay it a visit."

'Twas all that stuck in my own brain from my reading of Lyons; in finding, moreover, that a tomb dedicated to Amandus and Amanda was built outside the gates, where lovers call upon them - I never could get into an amorous scrape, without that tomb, somehow or other, coming into my mind at the close.
- Nay, such an empire had it established over me, that I could not think of Lyons without it entering my fancy; and I have often said in my wild irreverent way, 'I thought this neglected shrine as valuable as that of Mecca, and the Santa Casa, and that some time or other, I would go on a pilgrimage to it.'


In my list, therefore, of _Videnda_ at _Lyons_, this, tho' _last_, --was not, you see, _least_; so taking a dozen or two of longer strides than usual across my room, just whilst it passed my brain, I walked down calmly into the _Basse Cour_, in order to sally forth; and having called for my bill--as it was uncertain whether I should return to my inn, I had paid it----had moreover given the maid ten sous, and was just receiving the dernier compliments of Monsieur _Le Blanc_, for a pleasant voyage down the _Rhne_----when I was stopped at the gate----

In my list of sights, therefore, this, though last, was not, you see, the least; so taking longer strides than usual, I walked down calmly; and had paid my bill - and had moreover given the maid ten sous, and was receiving the wishes of my host for a pleasant voyage down the Rhne - when I was stopped at the gate.


I am so impatient to return to my own story, that what remains of young _Le Fever's_, that is, from this turn of his fortune, to the time my uncle _Toby_ recommended him for my preceptor, shall be told in a very few words in the next chapter.

I am so impatient to return to my own story, that what remains of young Le Fever's shall be told in a very few words in the next chapter.


--All that is necessary to be added to this chapter is as follows.--

All that needs to be added in this chapter is as follows:


That my uncle _Toby_, with young _Le Fever_ in his hand, attended the poor lieutenant, as chief mourners, to his grave.

That my uncle Toby and young Le Fever attended the poor lieutenant, as chief mourners, to his grave.


That the governor of _Dendermond_ paid his obsequies all military honours, --and that _Yorick_, not to be behind-hand--paid him all ecclesiastic--for he buried him in his chancel: --And it appears likewise, he preached a funeral sermon over him ----I say it _appears_, --for it was _Yorick's_ custom, which I suppose a general one with those of his profession, on the first leaf of every sermon which he composed, to chronicle down the time, the place, and the occasion of its being preached: to this, he was ever wont to add some short comment or stricture upon the sermon itself, seldom, indeed, much to its credit: --For instance, _This sermon upon the Jewish dispensation --I don't like it at all; --Though I own there is a world of WATER-LANDISH knowledge in it, --but 'tis all tritical, and most tritically put together.

That the governor of Dendermond paid him all military honours, and that Yorick paid for all ecclesiastic - for he buried him in his chancel: and it appears that he preached a funeral sermon over him. I say it appears, for it was Yorick's custom to write on the first page of every sermon which he composed, the time, place, and occasion of its being preached: to this, he would add some short comment upon the sermon itself, seldom, indeed, much to its credit.
For instance, 'This sermon upon the Jewish dispensation - I don't like it at all; 'tis most tritely put together.


------This is but a flimsy kind of a composition; what was in my head when I made it?_

This is a flimsy composition; what was in my head when I made it?'


_The excellency of this text is, that it will suit any sermon, --and of this sermon, ----that it will suit any text. ------_

'- The excellency of this text is, that it will suit any sermon, and of this sermon, that it will suit any text.'


_ ----For this sermon I shall be hanged, --for I have stolen the greatest part of it.

'- For this sermon I shall be hanged, for I have stolen most of it.


[-->] Set a thief to catch a thief. ------_


On the back of half a dozen I find written, _So, so_, and no more----and upon a couple _Moderato_; by which, as far as one may gather from _Altieri's_ _Italian_ dictionary, --but mostly from the authority of a piece of green whipcord, which seemed to have been the unravelling of _Yorick's_ whip-lash, with which he has left us the two sermons marked _Moderato_, and the half dozen of _So, so_, tied fast together in one bundle by themselves, --one may safely suppose he meant pretty near the same thing.

On the back of half a dozen I find written, 'So-so,' - and upon a couple, 'Moderato;' by which, since he left the two sermons marked 'Moderato' and the half dozen of 'So-so' tied together in one bundle - one may safely suppose he meant pretty near the same thing.


There is but one difficulty in the way of this conjecture, which is this, that the _moderato's_ are five times better than the _so, so's_; --show ten times more knowledge of the human heart; --have seventy times more wit and spirit in them; --(and, to rise properly in my climax)--discovered a thousand times more genius; --and to crown all, are infinitely more entertaining than those tied up with them: --for which reason, whene'er _Yorick's_ _dramatic_ sermons are offered to the world, though I shall admit but one out of the whole number of the _so, so's_, I shall, nevertheless, adventure to print the two _moderato's_ without any sort of scruple.

There is but one difficulty with this, which is that the 'moderato's' are five times better than the 'so-so's'; show ten times more knowledge of the human heart; have seventy times more wit and spirit in them; (and, to rise properly in my climax) reveal a thousand times more genius; - and to crown all, are infinitely more entertaining than the 'so-so's'. Therefore, when Yorick's sermons are offered to the world, though I shall include only one of the 'so-so's', I shall, nevertheless, print the two 'moderato's' without any scruple.


What _Yorick_ could mean by the words _lentamente_, --_tenut_, --_grave_, --and sometimes _adagio_, --as applied to _theological_ compositions, and with which he has characterised some of these sermons, I dare not venture to guess.

What Yorick could mean by the words lentamente, tenut, grave, and sometimes adagio, with which he has labelled some of these sermons, I dare not guess.


----I am more puzzled still upon finding _a l'octava alta!_ upon one; ----_Con strepito_ upon the back of another; ----_Siciliana_ upon a third; ----_Alla capella_ upon a fourth; ----_Con l'arco_ upon this; ----_Senza l'arco_ upon that.

I am more puzzled still upon finding a l'octava alta! upon one; Con strepito upon another; Siciliana upon a third; Alla capella upon a fourth.


----All I know is, that they are musical terms, and have a meaning; ----and as he was a musical man, I will make no doubt, but that by some quaint application of such metaphors to the compositions in hand, they impressed very distinct ideas of their several characters upon his fancy, --whatever they may do upon that of others.

All I know is that they are musical terms, and have a meaning; and as he was a musical man, I have no doubt that his compositions impressed very distinct ideas of their characters upon his fancy.


Amongst these, there is that particular sermon which has unaccountably led me into this digression ----The funeral sermon upon poor _Le Fever_, wrote out very fairly, as if from a hasty copy.

Amongst these is that particular sermon which has unaccountably led me into this digression - the funeral sermon upon poor Le Fever.


--I take notice of it the more, because it seems to have been his favourite composition ----It is upon mortality; and is tied lengthways and cross-ways with a yarn thrum, and then rolled up and twisted round with a half-sheet of dirty blue paper, which seems to have been once the cast cover of a general review, which to this day smells horribly of horse drugs.

It seems to have been his favourite composition: it is upon mortality; and is tied lengthways and crossways with yarn, and then rolled up and twisted round with a half-sheet of dirty blue paper, which smells horribly of horse drugs.


----Whether these marks of humiliation were designed, --I something doubt; ----because at the end of the sermon (and not at the beginning of it)--very different from his way of treating the rest, he had wrote----

Whether these marks of humiliation were designed, I doubt; because at the end of the sermon, he had wrote-


----Though not very offensively, ----for it is at two inches, at least, and a half's distance from, and below the concluding line of the sermon, at the very extremity of the page, and in that right hand corner of it, which, you know, is generally covered with your thumb; and, to do it justice, it is wrote besides with a crow's quill so faintly in a small _Italian_ hand, as scarce to solicit the eye towards the place, whether your thumb is there or not, --so that from the _manner of it_, it stands half excused; and being wrote moreover with very pale ink, diluted almost to nothing, --'tis more like a _ritratto_ of the shadow of vanity, than of VANITY herself--of the two; resembling rather a faint thought of transient applause, secretly stirring up in the heart of the composer; than a gross mark of it, coarsely obtruded upon the world.

- though it is two inches, at least, below the last line of the sermon, at that extreme right hand corner of the page, which, you know, is generally covered with your thumb; and it is wrote so faintly as scarcely to draw the eye towards it, whether your thumb is there or not. Being wrote moreover with very pale ink, diluted almost to nothing, 'tis more like the shadow of vanity, than Vanity herself - resembling rather a faint thought of applause, secretly stirring up in the heart of the composer, than a gross, obtrusive mark of it.


With all these extenuations, I am aware, that in publishing this, I do no service to _Yorick's_ character as a modest man; --but all men have their failings!

Nonetheless, I am aware that in publishing this, I do no service to Yorick's character as a modest man; but all men have their failings!


and what lessens this still farther, and almost wipes it away, is this; that the word was struck through sometime afterwards (as appears from a different tint of the ink) with a line quite across it in this manner, [BRAVO]----as if he had retracted, or was ashamed of the opinion he had once entertained of it.

and what wipes this one almost away, is that the word was struck through sometime afterwards in a different tint - as if he was ashamed of the opinion he once held of it.


These short characters of his sermons were always written, excepting in this one instance, upon the first leaf of his sermon, which served as a cover to it; and usually upon the inside of it, which was turned towards the text; --but at the end of his discourse, where, perhaps, he had five or six pages, and sometimes, perhaps, a whole score to turn himself in, --he took a large circuit, and, indeed, a much more mettlesome one; --as if he had snatched the occasion of unlacing himself with a few more frolicksome strokes at vice, than the straitness of the pulpit allowed.


--These, though hussar-like, they skirmish lightly and out of all order, are still auxiliaries on the side of virtue; --tell me then, Mynheer Vander Blonederdondergewdenstronke, why they should not be printed together?


The gift of ratiocination and making syllogisms ----I mean in man--for in superior classes of being, such as angels and spirits----'tis all done, may it please your worships, as they tell me, by INTUITION; --and beings inferior, as your worships all know----syllogize by their noses: though there is an island swimming in the sea (though not altogether at its ease) whose inhabitants, if my intelligence deceives me not, are so wonderfully gifted, as to syllogize after the same fashion, and oft-times to make very well out too: ------but that's neither here nor there------

The gift of reasoning and deduction - I mean in man, not in superior classes of being, such as angels and spirits - but inferior beings, as your worships all know, syllogize by their noses.


The gift of doing it as it should be, amongst us, or--the great and principal act of ratiocination in man, as logicians tell us, is the finding out the agreement or disagreement of two ideas one with another, by the intervention of a third (called the _medius terminus_); just as a man, as _Locke_ well observes, by a yard, finds two men's nine-pin-alleys to be of the same length, which could not be brought together, to measure their equality, by _juxta-position_.

The gift of syllogising, or reasoning, logicians tell us, is the finding out the agreement or disagreement of two ideas with one another, by the intervention of a third idea (called the medius terminus); just as a man, as Locke observes, uses a yardstick to find two nine-pin-alleys to be of the same length, although they could not be brought next to each other to compare.


Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my father illustrated his systems of noses, and observed my uncle _Toby's_ deportment--what great attention he gave to every word--and as oft as he took his pipe from his mouth, with what wonderful seriousness he contemplated the length of it----surveying it transversely as he held it betwixt his finger and his thumb------then fore-right------then this way, and then that, in all its possible directions and foreshortenings------he would have concluded my uncle _Toby_ had got hold of the _medius terminus_, and was syllogizing and measuring with it the truth of each hypothesis of long noses, in order, as my father laid them before him.

Had the same great reasoner looked on, as my father illustrated his systems of noses, and observed my uncle Toby's deportment - what great attention he gave to every word - and with what wonderful seriousness he contemplated his pipe, holding it this way and that - he would have concluded that my uncle Toby had got hold of the medius terminus, and was comparing and measuring with it the truth of each hypothesis of long noses, as my father laid them before him.


This, by the bye, was more than my father wanted----his aim in all the pains he was at in these philosophick lectures--was to enable my uncle _Toby_ not to _discuss_----but _comprehend_----to _hold_ the grains and scruples of learning----not to _weigh_ them.

This, by the bye, was more than my father wanted - his aim in these lectures was not to enable my uncle Toby to discuss, but to comprehend; - to hold the grains of learning - not to weigh them.


----My uncle _Toby_, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither the one or the other.

My uncle Toby, as you will read in the next chapter, did neither.


It is a singular blessing, that nature has form'd the mind of man with the same happy backwardness and renitency against conviction, which is observed in old dogs-- "of not learning new tricks."

It is a blessing that nature has formed the mind of man with the same happy backwardness which is observed in old dogs - 'of not learning new tricks.'


What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher that ever existed be whisk'd into at once, did he read such books, and observe such facts, and think such thoughts, as would eternally be making him change sides!

What a shuttlecock of a fellow would the greatest philosopher be, if he was eternally changing sides!


Now, my father, as I told you last year, detested all this --He pick'd up an opinion, Sir, as a man in a state of nature picks up an apple.

Now, my father, as I told you, Sir, picked up an opinion as a man picks up an apple.


--It becomes his own--and if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up.

- It becomes his own - and if he is a man of spirit, he would lose his life rather than give it up.


I am aware that _Didius_, the great civilian, will contest this point; and cry out against me, Whence comes this man's right to this apple?

I am aware that Didius will contest this point; and cry out, 'Whence comes this man's right to this apple?


_ex confesso_, he will say--things were in a state of nature --The apple, as much _Frank's_ apple as _John's_.


Pray, Mr. _Shandy_, what patent has he to shew for it? and how did it begin to be his?

Pray, Mr. Shandy, how did it begin to be his?


or when he peel'd, or when he brought it home? or when he digested?


----For 'tis plain, Sir, if the first picking up of the apple, made it not his--that no subsequent act could.

For 'tis plain, Sir, that if the first picking up of the apple did not make it his - then no later act could.'


Brother _Didius_, _Tribonius_ will answer--(now _Tribonius_ the civilian and church lawyer's beard being three inches and a half and three eighths longer than _Didius_ his beard --I'm glad he takes up the cudgels for me, so I give myself no farther trouble about the answer). --Brother _Didius_, _Tribonius_ will say, it is a decreed case, as you may find it in the fragments of _Gregorius_ and _Hermogines's_ codes, and in all the codes from _Justinian's_ down to the codes of _Louis_ and _Des Eaux_ --That the sweat of a man's brows, and the exsudations of a man's brains, are as much a man's own property as the breeches upon his backside; --which said exsudations, &c., being dropp'd upon the said apple by the labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being moreover indissolubly wasted, and as indissolubly annex'd, by the picker up, to the thing pick'd up, carried home, roasted, peel'd, eaten, digested, and so on; ----'tis evident that the gatherer of the apple, in so doing, has mix'd up something which was his own, with the apple which was not his own, by which means he has acquired a property; --or, in other words, the apple is _John's_ apple.

'Brother Didius,' Tribonius will answer, 'it is decreed, as you may find it in Gregorius and Justinian's laws, that the sweat of a man's brows are as much his own property as the breeches upon his backside; and once dropped upon the said apple by the labour when it is found, carried home, roasted, peeled, eaten, digested, and so on; - 'tis evident that the gatherer of the apple has mixed up something with it which was his own, and so the apple is his apple.'


By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more they lay out of the common way, the better still was his title.

By the same learned chain of reasoning my father stood up for all his opinions; he had spared no pains in picking them up, and the more uncommon they were, the stronger was his claim.


----No mortal claimed them; they had cost him moreover as much labour in cooking and digesting as in the case above, so that they might well and truly be said to be of his own goods and chattles.

They had cost him moreover so much labour in cooking and digesting that they might well and truly be said to be his own.


--Accordingly he held fast by 'em, both by teeth and claws--would fly to whatever he could lay his hands on--and, in a word, would intrench and fortify them round with as many circumvallations and breast-works, as my uncle _Toby_ would a citadel.

Accordingly he held fast by 'em, with teeth and claws, and would fortify them with as many ramparts as my uncle Toby would a citadel.


There was one plaguy rub in the way of this----the scarcity of materials to make anything of a defence with, in case of a smart attack; inasmuch as few men of great genius had exercised their parts in writing books upon the subject of great noses: by the trotting of my lean horse, the thing is incredible!

There was one plaguy rub - the scarcity of materials to defend himself against attack, since few men of genius had written on the subject of great noses. By the trotting of my lean horse, it is incredible!


and I am quite lost in my understanding, when I am considering what a treasure of precious time and talents together has been wasted upon worse subjects--and how many millions of books in all languages, and in all possible types and bindings, have been fabricated upon points not half so much tending to the unity and peace-making of the world.

I am quite at a loss, when I consider how much precious time has been wasted upon worse subjects - how many millions of books in all languages have been fabricated upon points not half so important.


What was to be had, however, he set the greater store by; and though my father would oft-times sport with my uncle _Toby's_ library--which, by the bye, was ridiculous enough--yet at the very same time he did it, he collected every book and treatise which had been systematically wrote upon noses, with as much care as my honest uncle _Toby_ had done those upon military architecture.

What books he could find, however, my father set great store by; and though he would often mock my uncle Toby's library, yet at the same time he collected every book which had been wrote upon noses with as much care as my honest uncle collected those on military architecture.


----'Tis true, a much less table would have held them--but that was not thy transgression, my dear uncle.--


Here----but why here----rather than in any other part of my story ----I am not able to tell: ------but here it is------my heart stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle _Toby_, once for all, the tribute I owe thy goodness.

Here - why here, rather than in any other part of my story, I cannot tell: but here it is: my heart stops me to pay to thee, my dear uncle Toby, the tribute I owe thy goodness.


----Here let me thrust my chair aside, and kneel down upon the ground, whilst I am pouring forth the warmest sentiment of love for thee, and veneration for the excellency of thy character, that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephew's bosom.

Here let me kneel and pour forth the warmest love for thee, and veneration for thy excellency, that ever virtue kindled in a nephew's bosom.


----Peace and comfort rest for evermore upon thy head!

- Peace and comfort rest for evermore upon thy head!


--Thou enviedst no man's comforts----insultedst no man's opinions ----Thou blackenedst no man's character--devouredst no man's bread: gently, with faithful _Trim_ behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasures, jostling no creature in thy way: --for each one's sorrow thou hadst a tear, --for each man's need, thou hadst a shilling.

- Thou didst envy no man's comforts - insulted no man's opinions - blackened no man's character - devoured no man's bread. Gently, with faithful Trim behind thee, didst thou amble round the little circle of thy pleasures, jostling no creature in thy way. For each one's sorrow thou hadst a tear; for each man's need, thou hadst a shilling.


Whilst I am worth one, to pay a weeder--thy path from thy door to thy bowling-green shall never be grown up.

Whilst I can afford to pay a weeder, the path from thy door to thy bowling-green shall never be over-grown.


----Whilst there is a rood and a half of land in the _Shandy_ family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle _Toby_, shall never be demolish'd.

Whilst there is an acre of land in the Shandy family, thy fortifications, my dear uncle Toby, shall never be demolished.


When the first transport was over, and the registers of the brain were beginning to get a little out of the confusion into which this jumble of cross accidents had cast them--it then presently occurr'd to me, that I had left my remarks in the pocket of the chaise--and that in selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it, to the chaise-vamper.

When my brain began to get out of the confusion into which this jumble of accidents had cast me, it soon occurred to me that I had left my remarks in the chaise - and that in selling my chaise, I had sold my remarks along with it.


I leave this void space that the reader may swear into it any oath that he is most accustomed to ----For my own part, if ever I swore a _whole_ oath into a vacancy in my life, I think it was into that----*********, said I--and so my remarks through _France_, which were as full of wit, as an egg is full of meat, and as well worth four hundred guineas, as the said egg is worth a penny--have I been selling here to a chaise-vamper--for four _Louis d'Ors_--and giving him a post-chaise (by heaven) worth six into the bargain; had it been to _Dodsley_, or _Becket_, or any creditable bookseller, who was either leaving off business, and wanted a post-chaise--or who was beginning it--and wanted my remarks, and two or three guineas along with them --I could have borne it----but to a chaise-vamper!

I leave this empty space so that the reader may swear into it any oath he wishes. If ever I swore in my life, it was then-
'*********!' said I - 'and so my remarks on France, which were full of wit and worth, have I sold to a chaise-renovator for four Louis, giving him a post-chaise worth six into the bargain. Had it been to a bookseller, I could have borne it - but to a chaise-vamper!


--shew me to him this moment, _Franois_, --said I --The valet de place put on his hat, and led the way--and I pull'd off mine, as I pass'd the commissary, and followed him.

Take me to him this moment, Franois.'
The valet led the way.


I am not insensible, brother _Shandy_, that when a man whose profession is arms, wishes, as I have done, for war, --it has an ill aspect to the world; ----and that, how just and right soever his motives and intentions may be, --he stands in an uneasy posture in vindicating himself from private views in doing it.

I am aware, brother Shandy, that when a military man wishes, as I have done, for war, it has a bad appearance; and that, no matter how just his motives may be, he stands in an uneasy position in vindicating himself.

Book 6 - Chapter 32: MY UNCLE TOBY'S APOLOGETICAL ORATION


For this cause, if a soldier is a prudent man, which he may be without being a jot the less brave, he will be sure not to utter his wish in the hearing of an enemy; for say what he will, an enemy will not believe him.

Therefore, if a soldier is prudent, which he may be without being a jot the less brave, he will not utter his wish in the hearing of an enemy; for an enemy will not believe him.


----He will be cautious of doing it even to a friend, --lest he may suffer in his esteem: ----But if his heart is overcharged, and a secret sigh for arms must have its vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a brother, who knows his character to the bottom, and what his true notions, dispositions, and principles of honour are: What, I _hope_, I have been in all these, brother _Shandy_, would be unbecoming in me to say: ----much worse, I know, have I been than I ought, --and something worse, perhaps, than I think: But such as I am, you, my dear brother _Shandy_, who have sucked the same breasts with me, --and with whom I have been brought up from my cradle, --and from whose knowledge, from the first hours of our boyish pastimes, down to this, I have concealed no one action of my life, and scarce a thought in it ----Such as I am, brother, you must by this time know me, with all my vices, and with all my weaknesses too, whether of my age, my temper, my passions, or my understanding.

He will be cautious of doing it even to a friend, lest he may suffer in his esteem.
But if his heart is overcharged, and a secret sigh for arms must have its vent, he will reserve it for the ear of a brother, who knows his character, and what his true principles of honour are: what I hope mine are, brother Shandy, would be unbecoming in me to say - I have been much worse, I know, than I ought, and somewhat worse, perhaps, than I think.
But such as I am, you, my dear brother, who sucked the same breast as me, and with whom I have been brought up from my cradle, and from whom I have concealed no action of my life - such as I am, you must by this time know me, with all my vices and weaknesses of age, temper and understanding.


Tell me then, my dear brother _Shandy_, upon which of them it is, that when I condemned the peace of _Utrecht_, and grieved the war was not carried on with vigour a little longer, you should think your brother did it upon unworthy views; or that in wishing for war, he should be bad enough to wish more of his fellow-creatures slain, --more slaves made, and more families driven from their peaceful habitations, merely for his own pleasure: ----Tell me, brother _Shandy_, upon what one deed of mine do you ground it?

Tell me then, my dear brother Shandy, which of them was at fault when I condemned the peace of Utrecht, and grieved that the war was not carried on a little longer? Did you think it unworthy of your brother, that in wishing for war, he should wish for more of his fellow-creatures to be slain, or driven from their peaceful habitations, merely for his own pleasure? Tell me, brother Shandy, upon what deed of mine do you base it?


[_The devil a deed do I know of, dear _Toby_, but one for a hundred pounds, which I lent thee to carry on these cursed sieges._]

[The devil a deed do I know of, dear Toby - wrote my father - except one for a hundred pounds, which I lent thee to carry on these cursed sieges.]


If, when I was a school-boy, I could not hear a drum beat, but my heart beat with it--was it my fault? Did I plant the propensity there? ----Did I sound the alarm within, or Nature?

If, when I was a school-boy, I could not hear a drum beat, without my heart beating with it - was it my fault, or Nature's?


When _Guy_, Earl of _Warwick_, and _Parismus_ and _Parismenus_, and _Valentine_ and _Orson_, and the _Seven Champions of England_, were handed around the school, --were they not all purchased with my own pocket-money?

When Guy, Earl of Warwick, and the Seven Champions of England, were handed around the school, were they not all purchased with my own pocket-money?


Was that selfish, brother _Shandy?_ When we read over the siege of _Troy_, which lasted ten years and eight months, ----though with such a train of artillery as we had at _Namur_, the town might have been carried in a week--was I not as much concerned for the destruction of the _Greeks_ and _Trojans_ as any boy of the whole school?

Was that selfish, brother Shandy? When we read over the siege of Troy, was I not as much concerned for the destruction of the Greeks and Trojans as any boy in the school?


Had I not three strokes of a ferula given me, two on my right hand, and one on my left, for calling _Helena_ a bitch for it?

Was I not given three strokes of a ferula for calling Helen a bitch for it?


Did any one of you shed more tears for _Hector?_ And when king _Priam_ came to the camp to beg his body, and returned weeping back to _Troy_ without it, --you know, brother, I could not eat my dinner.------

Did any one of you shed more tears for Hector? And when king Priam came to the camp to beg his body, and returned weeping back to Troy without it - you know, brother, I could not eat my dinner.


Or because, brother _Shandy_, my blood flew out into the camp, and my heart panted for war, --was it a proof it could not ache for the distresses of war too?

Or because, brother Shandy, my heart panted for war, did that prove it could not ache for the distresses of war too?


'tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels, --and 'tis another to scatter cypress.

'tis one thing for a soldier to gather laurels, and 'tis another to scatter cypress.


----[_Who told thee, my dear _Toby_, that cypress was used by the antients on mournful occasions?_]

[Who told thee, my dear Toby, that cypress was used by the ancients on mournful occasions?]


----'Tis one thing, brother _Shandy_, for a soldier to hazard his own life--to leap first down into the trench, where he is sure to be cut in pieces: ----'Tis one thing, from public spirit and a thirst of glory, to enter the breach the first man, --To stand in the foremost rank, and march bravely on with drums and trumpets, and colours flying about his ears: ----'Tis one thing, I say, brother _Shandy_, to do this, --and 'tis another thing to reflect on the miseries of war; --to view the desolations of whole countries, and consider the intolerable fatigues and hardships which the soldier himself, the instrument who works them, is forced (for sixpence a day, if he can get it) to undergo.

'Tis one thing, brother Shandy, for a soldier to hazard his own life - to leap first into the trench, where he is sure to be cut in pieces: 'tis one thing, from a thirst of glory, to enter the breach first, and march bravely on with drums and trumpets: - and 'tis another thing to reflect on the miseries of war; to view the desolations of whole countries, and consider the hardships which the soldier himself is forced (for sixpence a day, if he can get it) to undergo.


Need I be told, dear _Yorick_, as I was by you, in _Le Fever's_ funeral sermon, _That so soft and gentle a creature, born to love, to mercy, and kindness, as man is, was not shaped for this?_ ----But why did you not add, _Yorick_, --if not by NATURE--that he is so by NECESSITY?

Need I be told, dear Yorick, that so soft and gentle a creature, born to love, mercy, and kindness, as man is, was not shaped for this? But why did you not add, Yorick, - if not by Nature - that he is so by Necessity?


what is it, _Yorick_, when fought as ours has been, upon principles of _liberty_, and upon principles of _honour_----what is it, but the getting together of quiet and harmless people, with their swords in their hands, to keep the ambitious and the turbulent within bounds?

what is it, Yorick, when fought upon principles of liberty and honour, but the getting together of quiet and harmless people, with their swords in their hands, to keep the ambitious and the turbulent within bounds?


And heaven is my witness, brother _Shandy_, that the pleasure I have taken in these things, --and that infinite delight, in particular, which has attended my sieges in my bowling-green, has arose within me, and I hope in the corporal too, from the consciousness we both had, that in carrying them on, we were answering the great ends of our creation.

And heaven is my witness, brother Shandy, that the pleasure I have taken in these things, and that infinite delight, in particular, which has attended my sieges on my bowling-green, has arose within me, and I hope in the corporal too, from our awareness that we were answering the great purposes of our creation.


These attacks of Mrs. _Wadman_, you will readily conceive to be of different kinds; varying from each other, like the attacks which history is full of, and from the same reasons.

These attacks of Mrs. Wadman varied like the attacks which history is full of.


A general looker-on would scarce allow them to be attacks at all----or if he did, would confound them all together----but I write not to them: it will be time enough to be a little more exact in my descriptions of them, as I come up to them, which will not be for some chapters; having nothing more to add in this, but that in a bundle of original papers and drawings which my father took care to roll up by themselves, there is a plan of _Bouchain_ in perfect preservation (and shall be kept so, whilst I have power to preserve anything), upon the lower corner of which, on the right hand side, there is still remaining the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb, which there is all the reason in the world to imagine, were Mrs. _Wadman's_; for the opposite side of the margin, which I suppose to have been my uncle _Toby's_, is absolutely clean: This seems an authenticated record of one of these attacks; for there are vestigia of the two punctures partly grown up, but still visible on the opposite corner of the map, which are unquestionably the very holes, through which it has been pricked up in the sentry-box----

A general looker-on would scarce allow them to be attacks at all - or if he did, would confuse them all together - but it will be time enough to be more exact in my descriptions of them, as I come up to them, which will not be for some chapters.
I have nothing more to add, but that, in a bundle of drawings which my father kept, there is a plan of Bouchain in perfect preservation; and upon the lower right-hand corner there still remain the marks of a snuffy finger and thumb, which there is all the reason in the world to imagine were Mrs. Wadman's. This seems an authentic record of one of these attacks; for there are vestiges of two pin-holes visible on the opposite corner of the map, which are unquestionably where it was pricked up in the sentry-box-


I value this precious relick, with its _stigmata_ and _pricks_, more than all the relicks of the _Romish_ church----always excepting, when I am writing upon these matters, the pricks which entered the flesh of St. _Radagunda_ in the desert, which in your road from FESSE to CLUNY, the nuns of that name will shew you for love.

I value this precious relic, with its stigmata and pricks, more than all the relics of the Romish church.


----'Twill come out of itself by and bye.


----All I contend for is, that I am not obliged to set out with a definition of what love is; and so long as I can go on with my story intelligibly, with the help of the word itself, without any other idea to it, than what I have in common with the rest of the world, why should I differ from it a moment before the time?

All I ask is that I am not obliged to give a definition of love, so long as I can go on with my story using the word with its common meaning.


----When I can get on no further, ----and find myself entangled on all sides of this mystic labyrinth, --my Opinion will then come in, in course, --and lead me out.

When I find myself entangled in this mystic labyrinth, my Opinion will then come in, of course, and lead me out.


At present, I hope I shall be sufficiently understood, in telling the reader, my uncle _Toby_ _fell in love_:

At present, I hope I shall be understood in telling the reader my uncle Toby fell in love.


--Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is _fallen_ in love, --or that he is _deeply_ in love, --or up to the ears in love, --and sometimes even _over head and ears in it_, --carries an idiomatical kind of implication, that love is a thing _below_ a man: --this is recurring again to _Plato's_ opinion, which, with all his divinityship, --I hold to be damnable and heretical: --and so much for that.

- Not that the phrase is at all to my liking: for to say a man is fallen in love, or is deeply in love, or up to the ears in love, carries the implication that love is a thing below a man: this is returning again to Plato's damnable opinion.


Let love therefore be what it will, --my uncle _Toby_ fell into it.

Let love be what it will - my uncle Toby fell into it.


----And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptation--so wouldst thou: For never did thy eyes behold, or thy concupiscence covet anything in this world, more concupiscible than widow _Wadman_.

And possibly, gentle reader, with such a temptation, so wouldst thou: for never did thy eyes behold anything more desirable than widow Wadman.


----But your honour's two razors shall be new set--and I will get my _Montero_-cap furbish'd up, and put on poor lieutenant _Le Fever's_ regimental coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sake--and as soon as your honour is clean shaved--and has got your clean shirt on, with your blue and gold, or your fine scarlet----sometimes one and sometimes t'other--and everything is ready for the attack--we'll march up boldly, as if 'twas to the face of a bastion; and whilst your honour engages Mrs. _Wadman_ in the parlour, to the right ----I'll attack Mrs. _Bridget_ in the kitchen, to the left; and having seiz'd the pass, I'll answer for it, said the corporal, snapping his fingers over his head--that the day is our own.

'- But your honour's two razors shall be new set - and I will get my Montero-cap furbished, and put on poor lieutenant Le Fever's regimental coat, which your honour gave me to wear for his sake; and as soon as your honour is clean shaved, and has got your clean shirt on, and everything is ready for the attack - we'll march up boldly. Whilst your honour engages Mrs. Wadman in the parlour, to the right - I'll attack Mrs. Bridget in the kitchen, to the left; and I'll answer for it,' said the corporal, snapping his fingers, 'that the day is our own.'


I wish I may but manage it right; said my uncle _Toby_--but I declare, corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench----

'I wish I may manage it right;' said my uncle Toby, 'but I declare, corporal, I had rather march up to the very edge of a trench.'


--A woman is quite a different thing--said the corporal.

'A woman is quite a different thing,' said the corporal.


----And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs. _Wadman_ predetermined to light my uncle _Toby_ neither at this end or that; but, like a prodigal's candle, to light him, if possible, at both ends at once.

- And so to make sure of both systems, Mrs. Wadman planned to light my uncle Toby, if possible, at both ends at once.


Now, through all the lumber rooms of military furniture, including both of horse and foot, from the great arsenal of _Venice_ to the _Tower_ of _London_ (exclusive), if Mrs. _Wadman_ had been rummaging for seven years together, and with _Bridget_ to help her, she could not have found any one _blind_ or _mantelet_ so fit for her purpose, as that which the expediency of my uncle _Toby's_ affairs had fix'd up ready to her hands.

Now, if Mrs. Wadman had been rummaging for seven years through all the military lumber rooms of the Tower of London, she could not have found anything so fit for her purpose, as that which my uncle Toby had fixed up ready to her hands.


I believe I have not told you----but I don't know----possibly I have----be it as it will, 'tis one of the number of those many things, which a man had better do over again, than dispute about it --That whatever town or fortress the corporal was at work upon, during the course of their campaign, my uncle _Toby_ always took care, on the inside of his sentry-box, which was towards his left hand, to have a plan of the place, fasten'd up with two or three pins at the top, but loose at the bottom, for the conveniency of holding it up to the eye, &c. . . .

I believe I have not told you - but I don't know - possibly I have - that whatever town or fortress the corporal was at work upon, during their campaign my uncle Toby always kept a plan of the place inside his sentry-box, fastened up with pins at the top, but loose at the bottom, for the convenience of holding it up to the eye.


as occasions required; so that when an attack was resolved upon, Mrs. _Wadman_ had nothing more to do, when she had got advanced to the door of the sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; and edging in her left foot at the same movement, to take hold of the map or plan, or upright, or whatever it was, and with out-stretched neck meeting it half way, --to advance it towards her; on which my uncle _Toby's_ passions were sure to catch fire----for he would instantly take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand, and with the end of his pipe in the other, begin an explanation.

So in an attack, Mrs. Wadman had nothing more to do, when she had got to the door of the sentry-box, but to extend her right hand; to take hold of the map or plan, and to advance it towards her; on which my uncle Toby's passions were sure to catch fire - for he would instantly take hold of the other corner of the map in his left hand, and with his pipe in the other, begin an explanation.


When the attack was advanced to this point; ----the world will naturally enter into the reasons of Mrs. _Wadman's_ next stroke of generalship----which was, to take my uncle _Toby's_ tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly could; which, under one pretence or other, but generally that of pointing more distinctly at some redoubt or breastwork in the map, she would effect before my uncle _Toby_ (poor soul!)

The world will naturally understand the reasons for Mrs. Wadman's next stroke of generalship - which was, to take my uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe out of his hand as soon as she possibly could, under the pretence of pointing at some redoubt in the map.


had well march'd above half a dozen toises with it.


--It obliged my uncle _Toby_ to make use of his forefinger.

- It obliged my uncle Toby to make use of his forefinger.


The difference it made in the attack was this; That in going upon it, as in the first case, with the end of her forefinger against the end of my uncle _Toby's_ tobacco-pipe, she might have travelled with it, along the lines, from _Dan_ to _Beersheba_, had my uncle _Toby's_ lines reach'd so far, without any effect: For as there was no arterial or vital heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could excite no sentiment----it could neither give fire by pulsation----or receive it by sympathy----'twas nothing but smoke.

The difference it made in the attack was this; that placing her finger on the end of my uncle Toby's tobacco-pipe would have caused no effect. For as there was no blood or vital heat in the end of the tobacco-pipe, it could excite no feeling - nothing but smoke.


Whereas, in following my uncle _Toby's_ forefinger with hers, close thro' all the little turns and indentings of his works--pressing sometimes against the side of it----then treading upon its nail----then tripping it up----then touching it here----then there, and so on----it set something at least in motion.

Whereas, in following my uncle Toby's forefinger with hers, close through all the little turns and indentings of his works - pressing sometimes against the side of it - then treading upon its nail - then tripping it up - touching it here - then there, and so on - it set something in motion.


This, tho' slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the main body, yet drew on the rest; for here, the map usually falling with the back of it, close to the side of the sentry-box, my uncle _Toby_, in the simplicity of his soul, would lay his hand flat upon it, in order to go on with his explanation; and Mrs. _Wadman_, by a manuvre as quick as thought, would as certainly place her's close beside it; this at once opened a communication, large enough for any sentiment to pass or repass, which a person skill'd in the elementary and practical part of love-making, has occasion for----

This, though slight skirmishing, and at a distance from the main body, yet drew on the rest; for here, the map usually falling close to the side of the sentry-box, my uncle Toby would lay his hand flat upon it, in order to go on with his explanation; and Mrs. Wadman, by a manoeuvre as quick as thought, would place her hand close beside it.


By bringing up her forefinger parallel (as before) to my uncle _Toby's_----it unavoidably brought the thumb into action----and the forefinger and thumb being once engaged, as naturally brought in the whole hand.

By bringing up her forefinger parallel to my uncle Toby's - it unavoidably brought the thumb into action - which naturally brought in the whole hand.


Thine, dear uncle _Toby!_ was never now in its right place ----Mrs. _Wadman_ had it ever to take up, or, with the gentlest pushings, protrusions, and equivocal compressions, that a hand to be removed is capable of receiving----to get it press'd a hair breadth of one side out of her way.

Mrs. Wadman might now take up thine, dear uncle Toby! with the gentlest pushings and compressions that a hand is capable of receiving.


Whilst this was doing, how could she forget to make him sensible, that it was her leg (and no one's else) at the bottom of the sentry-box, which slightly press'd against the calf of his ----So that my uncle _Toby_ being thus attacked and sore push'd on both his wings----was it a wonder, if now and then, it put his centre into disorder?----

Whilst this was happening, how could she forget to make him aware that it was her leg at the bottom of the sentry-box, which slightly pressed against the calf of his - so that my uncle Toby being thus attacked on both sides - was it any wonder, if now and then, it put his centre into disorder?


I would sooner undertake to explain the hardest problem in geometry, than pretend to account for it, that a gentleman of my father's great good sense, ----knowing, as the reader must have observed him, and curious too in philosophy, --wise also in political reasoning, --and in polemical (as he will find) no way ignorant, --could be capable of entertaining a notion in his head, so out of the common track, --that I fear the reader, when I come to mention it to him, if he is the least of a cholerick temper, will immediately throw the book by; if mercurial, he will laugh most heartily at it; --and if he is of a grave and saturnine cast, he will, at first sight, absolutely condemn as fanciful and extravagant; and that was in respect to the choice and imposition of christian names, on which he thought a great deal more depended than what superficial minds were capable of conceiving.

Despite my father's great good sense, he had a notion so unusual that I fear the reader, when I mention it, will immediately throw the book aside, and either laugh or condemn it as a fanciful idea. That notion concerned the choice of Christian names, on which he thought a great deal depended.


His opinion, in this matter, was, That there was a strange kind of magick bias, which good or bad names, as he called them, irresistibly impressed upon our characters and conduct.

His opinion was, that there was a strange kind of magic bias, which good or bad names, as he called them, irresistibly impressed upon our characters and conduct.


The hero of _Cervantes_ argued not the point with more seriousness, ----nor had he more faith, ----or more to say on the powers of necromancy in dishonouring his deeds, --or on DULCINEA'S name, in shedding lustre upon them, than my father had on those of TRISMEGISTUS or ARCHIMEDES, on the one hand--or of NYKY and SIMKIN on the other.

Even Don Quixote did not have more to say on the powers of necromancy in dishonouring his deeds, or on Dulcinea's name in shedding lustre upon them, than my father said about the names Trismegistus or Archimedes, on the one hand - or Nyky and Simkin on the other.


How many CSARS and POMPEYS, he would say, by mere inspiration of the names, have been rendered worthy of them?

'How many Caesars and Pompeys,' he would say, 'have by mere inspiration of the names been made worthy of them?


And how many, he would add, are there, who might have done exceeding well in the world, had not their characters and spirits been totally depressed and NICOMEDUS'D into nothing?

And how many are there, who might have done exceeding well in the world, had not their spirits been totally depressed and Nicodemus'd into nothing?'


I see plainly, Sir, by your looks (or as the case happened), my father would say--that you do not heartily subscribe to this opinion of mine, --which, to those, he would add, who have not carefully sifted it to the bottom, --I own has an air more of fancy than of solid reasoning in it; ----and yet, my dear Sir, if I may presume to know your character, I am morally assured, I should hazard little in stating a case to you, --not as a party in the dispute, --but as a judge, and trusting my appeal upon it to your own good sense and candid disquisition in this matter; ----you are a person free from as many narrow prejudices of education as most men; --and, if I may presume to penetrate farther into you, --of a liberality of genius above bearing down an opinion, merely because it wants friends.

My father would say to the sceptical: 'I admit that it may seem fanciful; and yet, my dear Sir, you are a person of good sense, free from narrow prejudice, and are too liberal to dismiss an opinion merely because it lacks friends.


Your son, --your dear son, --from whose sweet and open temper you have so much to expect. --Your BILLY, Sir!

Your dear son, from whose sweet temper you have so much to expect - your Billy, Sir!


--would you, for the world, have called him JUDAS?

- would you, for the world, have called him Judas?


--Would you, my dear Sir, he would say, laying his hand upon your breast, with the genteelest address, --and in that soft and irresistible _piano_ of voice, which the nature of the _argumentum ad hominem_ absolutely requires, --Would you, Sir, if a _Jew_ of a godfather had proposed the name for your child, and offered you his purse along with it, would you have consented to such a desecration of him?

Even if offered money, would you have consented to such a desecration of him?


he would say, looking up, if I know your temper right, Sir, --you are incapable of it; ----you would have trampled upon the offer; --you would have thrown the temptation at the tempter's head with abhorrence.

Sir, you would have trampled upon the offer.


Your greatness of mind in this action, which I admire, with that generous contempt of money, which you shew me in the whole transaction, is really noble; --and what renders it more so, is the principle of it; --the workings of a parent's love upon the truth and conviction of this very hypothesis, namely, That was your son called JUDAS, --the sordid and treacherous idea, so inseparable from the name, would have accompanied him through life like his shadow, and, in the end, made a miser and a rascal of him, in spite, Sir, of your example.

If your son were called Judas, the treacherous idea inseparable from the name would have accompanied him through life like his shadow, and, in the end, made a miser and a rascal of him, in spite, Sir, of your example.'


I never knew a man able to answer this argument.


----But, indeed, to speak of my father as he was; --he was certainly irresistible; --both in his orations and disputations; --he was born an orator; --.

But, indeed, my father was irresistible; he was born an orator; - Theodidactos, taught by God.


--Persuasion hung upon his lips, and the elements of Logick and Rhetorick were so blended up in him, --and, withal, he had so shrewd a guess at the weaknesses and passions of his respondent, ----that NATURE might have stood up and said, --"This man is eloquent."

- Persuasion hung upon his lips, and Logic and Rhetoric were so blended in him, and he guessed so shrewdly the weaknesses and passions of his respondent, that Nature might have stood up and said, 'This man is eloquent.'


--In short, whether he was on the weak or the strong side of the question, 'twas hazardous in either case to attack him.


--And yet, 'tis strange, he had never read _Cicero_, nor _Quintilian de Oratore_, nor _Isocrates_, nor _Aristotle_, nor _Longinus_ amongst the antients; --nor _Vossius_, nor _Skioppius_, nor _Ramus_, nor _Farnaby_ amongst the moderns; --and what is more astonishing, he had never in his whole life the least light or spark of subtilty struck into his mind, by one single lecture upon _Crackenthorp_ or _Burgersdicius_, or any Dutch logician or commentator; --he knew not so much as in what the difference of an argument _ad ignorantiam_, and an argument _ad hominem_ consisted; so that I well remember, when he went up along with me to enter my name at _Jesus College_ in ****, --it was a matter of just wonder with my worthy tutor, and two or three fellows of that learned society, --that a man who knew not so much as the names of his tools, should be able to work after that fashion with them.

And yet, 'tis strange, he had never read Cicero, nor Quintilian, nor Isocrates, nor Aristotle, nor Longinus, Ramus or Farnaby; and what is more astonishing, he had never read one single lecture upon Crackenthorp or Burgersdicius, or any Dutch commentator. He did not even know the difference between an argument ad ignorantiam, and an argument ad hominem; so that I remember, when he went along with me to enter my name at Jesus College, my worthy tutor was amazed that a man who did not know the names of his tools, should be able to work so well with them.


To work with them in the best manner he could, was what my father was, however, perpetually forced upon; ----for he had a thousand little sceptical notions of the comick kind to defend----most of which notions, I verily believe, at first entered upon the footing of mere whims, and of a _vive la Bagatelle_; and as such he would make merry with them for half an hour or so, and having sharpened his wit upon them, dismiss them till another day.

My father had to work with them as best he could, because he had a thousand little sceptical notions of the comic kind to defend - most of which, I believe, started out as whims, mere Bagatelles; he would make merry with them for half an hour or so, and having sharpened his wit upon them, dismiss them till another day.


I mention this, not only as matter of hypothesis or conjecture upon the progress and establishment of my father's many odd opinions, --but as a warning to the learned reader against the indiscreet reception of such guests, who, after a free and undisturbed entrance, for some years, into our brains, --at length claim a kind of settlement there, ----working sometimes like yeast; --but more generally after the manner of the gentle passion, beginning in jest, --but ending in downright earnest.

I mention this, not only as a theory of the forming of my father's many odd opinions, - but as a warning to the learned reader against the indiscreet reception of whimsical ideas, which, allowed free entrance into our brains, at length settle, - beginning in jest, but ending in earnest.


Whether this was the case of the singularity of my father's notions--or that his judgment, at length, became the dupe of his wit; --or how far, in many of his notions, he might, though odd, be absolutely right; ----the reader, as he comes at them, shall decide.

Whether this was the case with my father's notions - whether his judgement was duped by his wit, or how far his notions, though odd, might be right - the reader shall decide.


All that I maintain here, is, that in this one, of the influence of christian names, however it gained footing, he was serious; --he was all uniformity; --he was systematical, and, like all systematick reasoners, he would move both heaven and earth, and twist and torture everything in nature, to support his hypothesis.

All I am saying is, that in this idea of the influence of Christian names, he was serious; he was systematical, and would move heaven and earth, and twist and torture everything in nature, to support his hypothesis.


In a word, I repeat it over again; --he was serious; --and, in consequence of it, he would lose all kind of patience whenever he saw people, especially of condition, who should have known better, ----as careless and as indifferent about the name they imposed upon their child, --or more so, than in the choice of _Ponto_ or _Cupid_ for their puppy-dog.

In consequence, he would lose all patience whenever he saw people more careless about the name they gave their child, than in the choice of Ponto or Cupid for their puppy-dog.


This, he would say, look'd ill; --and had, moreover, this particular aggravation in it, viz., That when once a vile name was wrongfully or injudiciously given, 'twas not like the case of a man's character, which, when wrong'd, might hereafter be cleared; ----and, possibly, some time or other, if not in the man's life, at least after his death, --be, somehow or other, set to rights with the world: But the injury of this, he would say, could never be undone; --nay, he doubted even whether an act of parliament could reach it: ----He knew as well as you, that the legislature assumed a power over surnames; --but for very strong reasons, which he could give, it had never yet adventured, he would say, to go a step farther.

He would say that once a vile name was injudiciously given, 'twas not like a man's reputation, which might be cleared. This injury could never be undone.


It was observable, that tho' my father, in consequence of this opinion, had, as I have told you, the strongest likings and dislikings towards certain names; --that there were still numbers of names which hung so equally in the balance before him, that they were absolutely indifferent to him.

Because of this opinion, my father had the strongest likings and dislikings towards certain names. Some names were absolutely indifferent to him.


_Jack_, _Dick_, and _Tom_ were of this class: These my father called neutral names; --affirming of them, without a satire, That there had been as many knaves and fools, at least, as wise and good men, since the world began, who had indifferently borne them; --so that, like equal forces acting against each other in contrary directions, he thought they mutually destroyed each other's effects; for which reason, he would often declare, He would not give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them.

Jack, Dick, and Tom were of this class: these my father called neutral names, saying that there had been many knaves and fools, as well as wise and good men, who had borne them; so that they cancelled each other out. He would not give a cherry-stone to choose amongst them.


_Bob_, which was my brother's name, was another of these neutral kinds of christian names, which operated very little either way; and as my father happen'd to be at _Epsom_, when it was given him, --he would oft-times thank Heaven it was no worse.

Bob, my brother's name, was another of these neutral names; and as my father happened to be at Epsom when it was given him, he would often thank Heaven it was no worse.


_Andrew_ was something like a negative quantity in Algebra with him; --'twas worse, he said, than nothing.


--_William_ stood pretty high: ----_Numps_ again was low with him: --and _Nick_, he said, was the DEVIL.

William stood pretty high: Numps, or Humphrey, again was low with him: and Nick, he said, was the Devil.