----Nay, moreover, continued he, keeping hold of my uncle _Toby's_ hand--so much dost thou possess, my dear _Toby_, of the milk of human nature, and so little of its asperities--'tis piteous the world is not peopled by creatures which resemble thee; and was I an _Asiatic_ monarch, added my father, heating himself with his new project --I would oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength--or dry up thy radical moisture too fast--or weaken thy memory or fancy, brother _Toby_, which these gymnics inordinately taken are apt to do--else, dear _Toby_, I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my empire, and I would oblige thee, _nolens, volens_, to beget for me one subject every _month_----

'Nay, moreover,' continued he, 'so full art thou, my dear Toby, of the milk of human nature, 'tis a pity the world is not peopled by creatures like thee; and was I an Asiatic monarch, I would oblige thee, provided it would not impair thy strength - or weaken thy mind, brother Toby, which these gymnics are apt to do - otherwise, dear Toby, I would procure thee the most beautiful women in my empire, and I would oblige thee, willy nilly, to beget one subject every month.'


As my father pronounced the last word of the sentence--my mother took a pinch of snuff.


Now I would not, quoth my uncle _Toby_, get a child, _nolens, volens_, that is, whether I would or no, to please the greatest prince upon earth----

'Now I would not,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'get a child, willy nilly, that is, whether I wished or no, to please the greatest prince upon earth.'


----And 'twould be cruel in me, brother _Toby_, to compel thee; said my father--but 'tis a case put to show thee, that it is not thy begetting a child--in case thou should'st be able--but the system of Love and Marriage thou goest upon, which I would set thee right in----

'And 'twould be cruel in me, brother, to compel thee;' said my father; 'but 'tis a case put to show thee, that it is not thy begetting a child, but the system of Love and Marriage, which I would set thee right in.'


There is at least, said _Yorick_, a great deal of reason and plain sense in captain _Shandy's_ opinion of love; and 'tis amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, which I have to answer for, that I have read so many flourishing poets and rhetoricians in my time, from whom I never could extract so much----

'There is a great deal of plain sense in captain Shandy's opinion of love,' said Yorick. 'Amongst the ill-spent hours of my life, I have read many flourishing poets, from whom I never could extract so much-'


I wish, _Yorick_, said my father, you had read _Plato_; for there you would have learnt that there are two LOVES --I know there were two RELIGIONS, replied _Yorick_, amongst the ancients----one--for the vulgar, and another for the learned; --but I think ONE LOVE might have served both of them very well--

'I wish, Yorick,' said my father, 'you had read Plato; for there you would have learnt that there are two Loves.'
'I know there were two Religions among the ancients,' replied Yorick, 'one for the vulgar, and another for the learned; but I think one Love might have served both of them very well.'


It could not; replied my father--and for the same reasons: for of these Loves, according to _Ficinus's_ comment upon _Velasius_, the one is rational----
----the other is _natural_----

'It could not,' replied my father, 'because according to Ficinus, one of these loves is rational - the other is natural.


the first ancient----without mother----where _Venus_ had nothing to do: the second, begotten of _Jupiter_ and _Dione_--

The first is ancient - without mother: the second, begotten of Jupiter and Dione.'


----Pray, brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_, what has a man who believes in God to do with this?

'Pray, brother,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'what has a man who believes in God to do with this?'


My father could not stop to answer, for fear of breaking the thread of his discourse----

My father could not stop to answer, for fear of breaking his thread.


This latter, continued he, partakes wholly of the nature of _Venus_.

'The latter,' continued he, 'is wholly of the nature of Venus.


The first, which is the golden chain let down from heaven, excites to love heroic, which comprehends in it, and excites to the desire of philosophy and truth----the second, excites to _desire_, simply----

The first excites to heroic love, and the desire of philosophy and truth - the second excites to desire, simply-'


----I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world, said _Yorick_, as the finding out of the longitude----

'I think the procreation of children as beneficial to the world,' said Yorick, 'as the finding out of the longitude.'


----To be sure, said my mother, _love_ keeps peace in the world----

'To be sure,' said my mother, 'love keeps peace in the world.'


----It replenishes the earth; said my mother----

'It replenishes the earth,' said my mother.


But it keeps heaven empty--my dear; replied my father.

'But it keeps heaven empty - my dear,' replied my father.


----'Tis Virginity, cried _Slop_, triumphantly, which fills paradise.

''Tis Virginity,' cried Slop triumphantly, 'which fills paradise.'


------To us, _Jonathan_, who know not what want or care is--who live here in the service of two of the best of masters--(bating in my own case his majesty King _William_ the Third, whom I had the honour to serve both in _Ireland_ and _Flanders_) --I own it, that from _Whitsontide_ to within three weeks of _Christmas_, --'tis not long--'tis like nothing; --but to those, _Jonathan_, who know what death is, and what havock and destruction he can make, before a man can well wheel about--'tis like a whole age.

'To us, Jonathan, who know not want or care - who live here in the service of two of the best of masters (excepting his majesty King William the Third) - I admit that from Whitsuntide to within three weeks of Christmas is not long; - but to those, Jonathan, who know what death is, and what havoc and destruction he can make - 'tis a whole age.


--O _Jonathan!_ 'twould make a good-natured man's heart bleed, to consider, continued the corporal (standing perpendicularly), how low many a brave and upright fellow has been laid since that time!

O Jonathan! 'twould make a man's heart bleed,' continued the corporal, 'to consider how low many a brave and upright fellow has been laid since that time!


--And trust me, _Susy_, added the corporal, turning to _Susannah_, whose eyes were swimming in water, --before that time comes round again, --many a bright eye will be dim.

'And trust me, Susy,' he added, turning to Susannah, whose eyes were swimming, 'before that time comes round again, many a bright eye will be dim.'


--_Susannah_ placed it to the right side of the page--she wept--but she court'sied too.


--Are we not, continued _Trim_, looking still at _Susannah_ --are we not like a flower of the field--a tear of pride stole in betwixt every two tears of humiliation--else no tongue could have described _Susannah's_ affliction--is not all flesh grass?

Trim continued, still looking at her, 'Are we not like a flower of the field - is not all flesh grass?


--They all looked directly at the scullion, --the scullion had just been scouring a fish-kettle.


--What is the finest face that ever man looked at!

'What is the finest face that ever man saw?'


--I could hear _Trim_ talk so for ever, cried _Susannah_, --what is it! (_Susannah_ laid her hand upon _Trim's_ shoulder)--but corruption?

'I could hear Trim talk so for ever,' cried Susannah (laying her hand upon Trim's shoulder).
'What is it - but corruption?'


Now I love you for this--and 'tis this delicious mixture within you which makes you dear creatures what you are--and he who hates you for it------all I can say of the matter is --That he has either a pumpkin for his head--or a pippin for his heart, --and whenever he is dissected 'twill be found so.

Now I love you for this - 'tis this delicious mixture within you which makes you the dear creatures you are - and anyone who hates you for it - all I can say is, he has a pumpkin for his head.


All is quiet and hush, cried my father, at least above stairs --I hear not one foot stirring.

'All is quiet and hush above stairs,' cried my father; 'I hear not one foot stirring.


--Prithee, _Trim_, who's in the kitchen?


There is no one soul in the kitchen, answered _Trim_, making a low bow as he spoke, except Dr. _Slop_.

'Not a soul,' answered Trim, 'except Dr. Slop.'


cried my father (getting up upon his legs a second time)--not one single thing was gone right this day!

cried my father, getting to his feet; 'not one thing has gone right this day!


had I faith in astrology, brother (which, by the bye, my father had), I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house of mine, and turning every individual thing in it out of its place.

If I believed in astrology' (which, by the bye, my father did), 'I would have sworn some retrograde planet was hanging over this unfortunate house, and turning everything out of its place.


----Why, I thought Dr. _Slop_ had been above stairs with my wife, and so said you.

Why, I thought Dr. Slop was upstairs with my wife.


----What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen!

What can the fellow be puzzling about in the kitchen?'


--He is busy, an' please your honour, replied _Trim_, in making a bridge.

'He is busy, your honour,' replied Trim, 'in making a bridge.'


----'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle _Toby_: ------pray, give my humble service to Dr. _Slop_, _Trim_, and tell him I thank him heartily.

''Tis very obliging in him,' quoth my uncle Toby: 'pray tell him I thank him heartily.'


You must know, my uncle _Toby_ mistook the bridge--as widely as my father mistook the mortars; ----but to understand how my uncle _Toby_ could mistake the bridge --I fear I must give you an exact account of the road which led to it; --or to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more dishonest in an historian than the use of one)----in order to conceive the probability of this error in my uncle _Toby_ aright, I must give you some account of an adventure of _Trim's_, though much against my will, I say much against my will, only because the story, in one sense, is certainly out of its place here; for by right it should come in, either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle _Toby's_ amours with widow _Wadman_, in which corporal _Trim_ was no mean actor--or else in the middle of his and my uncle _Toby's_ campaigns on the bowling-green--for it will do very well in either place; --but then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my story ----I ruin the story I'm upon; ----and if I tell it here --I anticipate matters, and ruin it there.

My uncle Toby mistook the bridge as widely as my father mistook the mortars; - but to understand this, I fear I must give you an exact account of the road which led to the mistake; or at least I must give you some account of an adventure of Trim's, though much against my will; I say much against my will, because the story is certainly out of its place here; for by rights it should come either amongst the anecdotes of my uncle Toby's amours with widow Wadman, or else in Trim's and my uncle Toby's campaigns on the bowling-green; but then if I reserve it for either of those parts of my story, I ruin the story I'm upon; - and if I tell it here, I anticipate matters, and ruin it there.


--What would your worships have me to do in this case?

What would your worships have me do in this case?


--You are a fool, _Tristram_, if you do.


O ye powers! (for powers ye are, and great ones too)--which enable mortal man to tell a story worth the hearing------that kindly shew him, where he is to begin it--and where he is to end it----what he is to put into it----and what he is to leave out--how much of it he is to cast into a shade--and whereabouts he is to throw his light!

O ye powers which enable mortal man to tell a story worth the hearing - that kindly show him where to begin and where to end it - what to put in and what to leave out!


--Ye, who preside over this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how many scrapes and plunges your subjects hourly fall into; ----will you do one thing?

Ye, who preside over this vast empire of biographical freebooters, and see how many scrapes your subjects hourly fall into - will you do one thing?


I beg and beseech you (in case you will do nothing better for us) that wherever in any part of your dominions it so falls out, that three several roads meet in one point, as they have done just here----that at least you set up a guide-post in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which of the three he is to take.

I beg and beseech you that wherever three different roads meet in one point, as they have done just here - that you set up a guide-post in the centre of them, in mere charity, to direct an uncertain devil which road he is to take.


--_De gustibus non est disputandum_; --that is, there is no disputing against HOBBY-HORSES; and for my part, I seldom do; nor could I with any sort of grace, had I been an enemy to them at the bottom; for happening, at certain intervals and changes of the moon, to be both fidler and painter, according as the fly stings: --Be it known to you, that I keep a couple of pads myself, upon which, in their turns, (nor do I care who knows it) I frequently ride out and take the air; --though sometimes, to my shame be it spoken, I take somewhat longer journies than what a wise man would think altogether right.

De gustibus non est disputandum; that is, there is no arguing with Hobby-Horses. For my part, I seldom do; nor could I with any grace, since I happen, at certain phases of the moon, to be both fiddler and painter. Indeed, I keep a couple of nags myself, upon which (and I do not care who knows it) I frequently ride out and take the air; though sometimes on longer journeys than a wise man would think right.


--But the truth is, --I am not a wise man; --and besides am a mortal of so little consequence in the world, it is not much matter what I do: so I seldom fret or fume at all about it: Nor does it much disturb my rest, when I see such great Lords and tall Personages as hereafter follow; --such, for instance, as my Lord A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, and so on, all of a row, mounted upon their several horses; --some with large stirrups, getting on in a more grave and sober pace; ----others on the contrary, tucked up to their very chins, with whips across their mouths, scouring and scampering it away like so many little party-coloured devils astride a mortgage, --and as if some of them were resolved to break their necks.

But the truth is, I am not a wise man; - and besides am of so little consequence, it does not matter what I do: so I seldom fret about it.
Nor does it much disturb my rest, when I see great Lords and tall Personages, such as my Lords A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, and so on, all of a row, mounted upon their hobby-horses; - some with large stirrups, stepping gravely; others scampering it away like so many little party-coloured devils astride a mortgage, as if they were resolved to break their necks.


----So much the better--say I to myself; --for in case the worst should happen, the world will make a shift to do excellently well without them; and for the rest, ----why ----God speed them----e'en let them ride on without opposition from me; for were their lordships unhorsed this very night--'tis ten to one but that many of them would be worse mounted by one half before to-morrow morning.

So much the better, say I; for if the worst should happen, the world will manage excellently well without them; and for the rest, why, let them ride on; for if their lordships were unhorsed this very night, ten to one they would be worse mounted before tomorrow morning.


Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break in upon my rest.


----But there is an instance, which I own puts me off my guard, and that is, when I see one born for great actions, and what is still more for his honour, whose nature ever inclines him to good ones; --when I behold such a one, my Lord, like yourself, whose principles and conduct are as generous and noble as his blood, and whom, for that reason, a corrupt world cannot spare one moment; --when I see such a one, my Lord, mounted, though it is but for a minute beyond the time which my love to my country has prescribed to him, and my zeal for his glory wishes, --then, my Lord, I cease to be a philosopher, and in the first transport of an honest impatience, I wish the HOBBY-HORSE, with all his fraternity, at the Devil.

But there is an instance, which I own puts me off my guard, and that is, when I see one born for great actions - such a one, my Lord, as yourself, whose principles and conduct are as generous and noble as his blood - when I see such a one, my Lord, mounted, then I cease to be a philosopher, and with honest impatience I wish the Hobby-Horse at the Devil.


"I maintain this to be a dedication, notwithstanding its singularity in the three great essentials of matter, form, and place: I beg, therefore, you will accept it as such, and that you will permit me to lay it, with the most respectful humility, at your Lordship's feet, --when you are upon them, --which you can be when you please; --and that is, my Lord, whenever there is occasion for it, and I will add, to the best purposes too.

'I maintain this to be a dedication, despite its unusual matter, form, and place: I beg, therefore, you will accept it as such, and that you will permit me to lay it, with the most respectful humility, at your Lordship's feet - when you are upon them, which you can be when you please - and that is, my Lord, whenever there is occasion for it.


"_My Lord, Your Lordship's most obedient, and most devoted, and most humble servant_,

My Lord,
Your Lordship's most obedient,
and most devoted,
and most humble servant,


When _Susannah_ told the corporal the misadventure of the sash, with all the circumstances which attended the _murder_ of me, --(as she called it)-- the blood forsook his cheeks, --all accessaries in murder being principals, --_Trim's_ conscience told him he was as much to blame as _Susannah_, --and if the doctrine had been true, my uncle _Toby_ had as much of the bloodshed to answer for to heaven, as either of 'em; --so that neither reason or instinct, separate or together, could possibly have guided _Susannah's_ steps to so proper an asylum.

When Susannah told the corporal the misadventure of the sash, and its 'murder' of me, (as she called it), the blood left his cheeks - all accessories in murder being guilty. Trim's conscience told him he was as much to blame as Susannah; and if this had been true, my uncle Toby would have had as much to answer for as either of 'em; so that neither reason nor instinct could possibly have guided Susannah's steps to so suitable an asylum.


It is in vain to leave this to the Reader's imagination: --to form any kind of hypothesis that will render these propositions feasible, he must cudgel his brains sore, --and to do it without, --he must have such brains as no reader ever had before him.

It is in vain for the Reader to try to understand this: to form any theory that will explain it, he must cudgel his brains sore.


----Why should I put them either to trial or to torture?


'Tis my own affair: I'll explain it myself.


----No, --I think I have advanced nothing, replied my father, making answer to a question which _Yorick_ had taken the liberty to put to him, --I have advanced nothing in the _Tristra-pdia_, but what is as clear as any one proposition in _Euclid_.

'No,' replied my father, answering a question from Yorick.


--Reach me, _Trim_, that book from off the scrutoir: ----it has oft-times been in my mind, continued my father, to have read it over both to you, _Yorick_, and to my brother _Toby_, and I think it a little unfriendly in myself, in not having done it long ago: ----shall we have a short chapter or two now, --and a chapter or two hereafter, as occasions serve; and so on, till we get through the whole?

'I have not advanced in the Tristra-paedia, but - reach me, Trim, the book from off the desk - it has oft-times been in my mind to read it over to you, Yorick, and to my brother Toby: - shall we have a short chapter or two now, and more later on, till we get through the whole?'


My uncle _Toby_ and _Yorick_ made the obeisance which was proper; and the corporal, though he was not included in the compliment, laid his hand upon his breast, and made his bow at the same time.

My uncle Toby and Yorick agreed politely; and the corporal, though he was not included in the compliment, made his bow.


_Trim_, quoth my father, has paid the full price for staying out the _entertainment_.

'Trim,' quoth my father, 'has paid the full price for staying out the entertainment.'


----He did not seem to relish the play, replied _Yorick_.

'He did not seem to relish the play,' replied Yorick.


----'Twas a Tom-fool-battle, an' please your reverence, of captain _Tripet's_ and that other officer, making so many summersets, as they advanced; ----the _French_ come on capering now and then in that way, --but not quite so much.

''Twas a Tom-fool-battle, your reverence, of captain Tripet's and that other officer, making so many somersaults; the French come on capering now and then, but not quite so much.'


My uncle _Toby_ never felt the consciousness of his existence with more complacency than what the corporal's, and his own reflections, made him do at that moment; ----he lighted his pipe, ----_Yorick_ drew his chair closer to the table, --_Trim_ snuff'd the candle, --my father stirr'd up the fire, --took up the book, --cough'd twice, and begun.

My uncle Toby never felt more pleased than with the corporal's reflections at that moment. He lit his pipe; Yorick drew his chair closer to the table; my father took up the book, coughed twice, and began.


The first thirty pages, said my father, turning over the leaves, --are a little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the subject, ----for the present we'll pass them by: 'tis a prefatory introduction, continued my father, or an introductory preface (for I am not determined which name to give it) upon political or civil government; the foundation of which being laid in the first conjunction betwixt male and female, for procreation of the species ----I was insensibly led into it.

'The first thirty pages,' said my father, turning over the leaves, 'are a little dry; and as they are not closely connected with the subject, we'll pass them by. 'Tis a prefatory introduction, or an introductory preface (for I am not sure which to call it) upon political government; the foundation of which is laid in the first conjunction betwixt male and female, for procreation of the species - I was insensibly led into it.'


The original of society, continued my father, I'm satisfied is, what _Politian_ tells us, _i.e._, merely conjugal; and nothing more than the getting together of one man and one woman; --to which, (according to _Hesiod_) the philosopher adds a servant: ----but supposing in the first beginning there were no men servants born----he lays the foundation of it, in a man, --a woman--and a bull.

'The origin of society,' continued my father, 'is conjugal; and nothing more than the getting together of one man and one woman; to which Hesiod adds a servant: but supposing in the beginning there were no men servants born - he lays the foundation of society in a man, a woman and a bull.'


----I believe 'tis an ox, quoth _Yorick_, quoting the passage ( , , ' ).

'I believe 'tis an ox,' quoth Yorick, quoting the passage in Greek.


----A bull must have given more trouble than his head was worth.

'A bull must have given more trouble than he was worth.'


----But there is a better reason still, said my father (dipping his pen into his ink); for the ox being the most patient of animals, and the most useful withal in tilling the ground for their nourishment, --was the properest instrument, and emblem too, for the new joined couple, that the creation could have associated with them.

'But there is a better reason,' said my father (dipping his pen into his ink); 'for since the ox is the most patient and useful of animals, 'twas the best emblem for the new joined couple.'


--And there is a stronger reason, added my uncle _Toby_, than them all for the ox.

'And there is a stronger reason still for the ox,' added my uncle Toby.


--My father had not power to take his pen out of his ink-horn, till he had heard my uncle _Toby's_ reason.


--For when the ground was tilled, said my uncle _Toby_, and made worth inclosing, then they began to secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of fortification.

'For when the ground was tilled by the ox, then they began to secure it by walls and ditches, which was the origin of fortification.'


----True, true, dear _Toby_, cried my father, striking out the bull, and putting the ox in his place.

'True, true, dear Toby,' cried my father, striking out bull, and putting ox in his place.


My father gave _Trim_ a nod, to snuff the candle, and resumed his discourse.

He gave Trim a nod to snuff the candle, and resumed.


----I enter upon this speculation, said my father carelessly, and half shutting the book, as he went on, merely to shew the foundation of the natural relation between a father and his child; the right and jurisdiction over whom he acquires these several ways--

'I enter upon this speculation,' said he carelessly, half shutting the book, 'merely to show the foundation of the natural relation between a father and his child; he acquires these rights over him in several ways-


And 4th, by procreation; all which I consider in their order.

'And 4th, by procreation; all of which I consider in their order.'


I lay a slight stress upon one of them, replied _Yorick_----the act, especially where it ends there, in my opinion lays as little obligation upon the child, as it conveys power to the father.

'I would lay some stress on one of them,' replied Yorick: 'the act of procreation, especially when it ends there, in my opinion lays as little obligation upon the child, as it conveys power to the father.'


--You are wrong, --said my father argutely, and for this plain reason * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * --I own, added my father, that the offspring, upon this account, is not so under the power and jurisdiction of the mother.

'You are wrong,' said my father, 'and for this plain reason: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * - I own,' added my father, 'that the offspring, upon this account, is not under the power of the mother.'


--But the reason, replied _Yorick_, equally holds good for her.

'But the reason holds equally good for her,' replied Yorick.


----She is under authority herself, said my father: --and besides, continued my father, nodding his head, and laying his finger upon the side of his nose, as he assigned his reason, --_she is not the principal agent, _Yorick_._ --In what, quoth my uncle _Toby?_ stopping his pipe.

'She is under another's authority herself,' said my father: 'and besides, she is not the principal agent.'
'In what?' asked my uncle Toby.


--Though by all means, added my father (not attending to my uncle _Toby_) "_The son ought to pay her respect_," as you may read, _Yorick_, at large in the first book of the Institutes of _Justinian_, at the eleventh title and the tenth section, --I can read it as well, replied _Yorick_, in the Catechism.

'Though by all means,' added my father (not attending to my uncle Toby), '"The son ought to pay her respect," as you may read, Yorick, in the first book of the Institutes of Justinian, at the eleventh title and the tenth section.'
'I can read it just as well,' replied Yorick, 'in the Catechism.'


--my poor mistress is ready to faint----and her pains are gone--and the drops are done--and the bottle of julap is broke----and the nurse has cut her arm--(and I, my thumb, cried Dr. _Slop_,) and the child is where it was, continued _Susannah_, --and the midwife has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, and bruised her hip as black as your hat.

- my poor mistress is ready to faint - and her pains are gone - and the bottle of julap is broke - and the nurse has cut her arm-' ('and I, my thumb,' cried Dr. Slop,) - 'and the child is where it was,' continued Susannah, 'and the midwife has fallen backwards upon the fender, and bruised her hip as black as your hat.'


--There is no need of that, replied _Susannah_, --you had better look at my mistress--but the midwife would gladly first give you an account how things are, so desires you would go up stairs and speak to her this moment.

'There is no need of that,' replied Susannah; 'you had better look at my mistress. But the midwife would gladly first tell you how things are, so desires you would go upstairs and speak to her.'


Human nature is the same in all professions.


The midwife had just before been put over Dr. _Slop's_ head --He had not digested it, --No, replied Dr. _Slop_, 'twould be full as proper, if the midwife came down to me.

The midwife had earlier been put over Dr. Slop's head. - 'No,' replied Dr. Slop, ''twould be proper if the midwife came down to me.'


--I like subordination, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --and but for it, after the reduction of _Lisle_, I know not what might have become of the garrison of _Ghent_, in the mutiny for bread, in the year Ten.

'I like subordination,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'and without it, after the reduction of Lisle, I know not what might have become of the garrison of Ghent, in the mutiny in the year Ten.'


--Nor, replied Dr. _Slop_, (parodying my uncle _Toby's_ hobby-horsical reflection; though full as hobby-horsical himself)------do I know, Captain _Shandy_, what might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and confusion I find all things are in at present, but for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to ******------the application of which, Sir, under this accident of mine, comes in so _ propos_, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by the _Shandy_ family, as long as the _Shandy_ family had a name.

'Nor do I know, Captain Shandy,' replied Dr. Slop, (parodying my uncle Toby's hobby-horsical reflection, though full as hobby-horsical himself) 'what might have become of the garrison above stairs, in the mutiny and confusion I find things are in at present, but for the subordination of fingers and thumbs to ****** - the application of which, Sir, with this accident of mine, comes in so propos, that without it, the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by the Shandy family, as long as they had a name.'


--Upon my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of skin quite off the back of both my hands with your forceps, cried my uncle _Toby_--and you have crush'd all my knuckles into the bargain with them to a jelly.

'Upon my honour, Sir, you have tore every bit of skin off the back of my hands with your forceps,' cried my uncle Toby, 'and you have crushed my knuckles to a jelly into the bargain.'


'Tis your own fault, said Dr. _Slop_----you should have clinch'd your two fists together into the form of a child's head as I told you, and sat firm.

''Tis your own fault,' said Dr. Slop; 'you should have clinched your two fists together in the form of a child's head as I told you, and sat firm.'


----Then the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently arm'd, or the rivet wants closing--or else the cut in my thumb has made me a little aukward--or possibly--'Tis well, quoth my father, interrupting the detail of possibilities--that the experiment was not first made upon my child's head-piece.

'Then the points of my forceps have not been sufficiently armed, or the rivet wants closing - or else the cut in my thumb made me a little awkward - or possibly-'
''Tis well,' quoth my father, interrupting, 'that the experiment was not first made upon my child's head.'


------It would not have been a cherry-stone the worse, answered Dr. _Slop_.

'It would not have been a cherry-stone the worse,' answered Dr. Slop.


--I maintain it, said my uncle _Toby_, it would have broke the cerebellum (unless indeed the skull had been as hard as a granado) and turn'd it all into a perfect posset.

'I maintain,' said my uncle Toby, 'it would have broke the cerebellum (unless the skull had been as hard as granite).'


replied Dr. _Slop_, a child's head is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple; --the sutures give way--and besides, I could have extracted by the feet after.

replied Dr. Slop, 'a child's head is naturally as soft as the pap of an apple; the sutures give way - and besides, I could have extracted by the feet after.'


----I rather wish you would begin that way, quoth my father.

'I rather wish you would begin that way,' quoth my father.


The wound in my uncle _Toby's_ groin, which he received at the siege of _Namur_, rendering him unfit for the service, it was thought expedient he should return to _England_, in order, if possible, to be set to rights.

When the wound in my uncle Toby's groin, which he received at the siege of Namur, made him unfit for the army, he returned to England, in order, if possible, to be set to rights.


He was four years totally confined, --part of it to his bed, and all of it to his room: and in the course of his cure, which was all that time in hand, suffer'd unspeakable miseries, --owing to a succession of exfoliations from the _os pubis_, and the outward edge of that part of the _coxendix_ called the _os illium_, ----both which bones were dismally crush'd, as much by the irregularity of the stone, which I told you was broke off the parapet, --as by its size, --(tho' it was pretty large) which inclined the surgeon all along to think, that the great injury which it had done my uncle _Toby's_ groin, was more owing to the gravity of the stone itself, than to the projectile force of it, --which he would often tell him was a great happiness.

He was for four years totally confined to his room: and in the course of his cure, through all that time, suffered unspeakable miseries, owing to a series of exfoliations from the os pubis, and the os illium, both of which bones were dismally crushed, as much by the irregularity of the stone as by its size, (though it was pretty large), which made the surgeon think that the great injury which it had done my uncle Toby's groin, was more owing to the weight of the stone than to its projectile force.


My father at that time was just beginning business in _London_, and had taken a house; --and as the truest friendship and cordiality subsisted between the two brothers, --and that my father thought my uncle _Toby_ could no where be so well nursed and taken care of as in his own house, ----he assign'd him the very best apartment in it.

My father at that time was just beginning business in London, and had taken a house there; and as there was the truest friendship between the two brothers, and my father thought my uncle Toby could nowhere be so well nursed as in his own house, he assigned him the very best room in it.


--And what was a much more sincere mark of his affection still, he would never suffer a friend or an acquaintance to step into the house on any occasion, but he would take him by the hand, and lead him up stairs to see his brother _Toby_, and chat an hour by his bedside.

What was more, he would never allow a friend to step into the house without leading him upstairs to see his brother Toby, and chat an hour by his bedside.


The history of a soldier's wound beguiles the pain of it; --my uncle's visitors at least thought so, and in their daily calls upon him, from the courtesy arising out of that belief, they would frequently turn the discourse to that subject, --and from that subject the discourse would generally roll on to the siege itself.

The history of a soldier's wound beguiles the pain of it; - my uncle's visitors at least thought so, and they would frequently turn the talk to that subject, - and from there, the talk would roll on to the siege itself.


These conversations were infinitely kind; and my uncle _Toby_ received great relief from them, and would have received much more, but that they brought him into some unforeseen perplexities, which, for three months together, retarded his cure greatly; and if he had not hit upon an expedient to extricate himself out of them, I verily believe they would have laid him in his grave.

These conversations were infinitely kind; and my uncle Toby received great relief from them, and would have received much more, except that they brought him unforeseen perplexities, which for three months retarded his cure greatly; and if he had not hit upon a way to get himself out of them, I believe they would have laid him in his grave.


What these perplexities of my uncle _Toby_ were, ----'tis impossible for you to guess; --if you could, --I should blush; not as a relation, --not as a man, --nor even as a woman, --but I should blush as an author; inasmuch as I set no small store by myself upon this very account, that my reader has never yet been able to guess at anything.

What my uncle Toby's perplexities were - 'tis impossible for you to guess; if you could, I should blush; because as an author, I pride myself on the fact that my reader has never yet been able to guess anything.


And in this, Sir, I am of so nice and singular a humour, that if I thought you was able to form the least judgment or probable conjecture to yourself, of what was to come in the next page, --I would tear it out of my book.

And in this, Sir, I am so fastidious that if I thought you were able to form the least conjecture of what was to come in the next page - I would tear it out of my book.


----Now my father had a way, a little like that of _Job's_ (in case there ever was such a man----if not, there's an end of the matter.----

Now my father had a way like Job's (if there ever was such a man-


Though, by the bye, because your learned men find some difficulty in fixing the precise ra in which so great a man lived; --whether, for instance, before or after the patriarchs, &c. ----to vote, therefore, that he never lived _at all_, is a little cruel, --'tis not doing as they would be done by, --happen that as it may) ----My father, I say, had a way, when things went extremely wrong with him, especially upon the first sally of his impatience, --of wondering why he was begot, --wishing himself dead; --sometimes worse: ----And when the provocation ran high, and grief touched his lips with more than ordinary powers --Sir, you scarce could have distinguished him from _Socrates_ himself. ----Every word would breathe the sentiments of a soul disdaining life, and careless about all its issues; for which reason, though my mother was a woman of no deep reading, yet the abstract of _Socrates's_ oration, which my father was giving my uncle _Toby_, was not altogether new to her.

- though, by the bye, just because your learned men find some difficulty in fixing the precise era in which he lived; whether before or after the patriarchs, &c. - to vote, therefore, that he never lived at all, is a little cruel.)
My father, I say, had a way, when things went extremely wrong, of wondering why he was begot, wishing himself dead - and sometimes worse.
And when the provocation ran high - Sir, you scarce could have distinguished him from Socrates himself: every word disdaining life, and careless about its issues. For this reason, though my mother was not a woman of deep reading, yet the summary of Socrates's oration, which my father was giving my uncle Toby, was not altogether new to her.


--She listened to it with composed intelligence, and would have done so to the end of the chapter, had not my father plunged (which he had no occasion to have done) into that part of the pleading where the great philosopher reckons up his connections, his alliances, and children; but renounces a security to be so won by working upon the passions of his judges. --"I have friends --I have relations, --I have three desolate children," --says _Socrates_.--

She listened to it composedly, and would have done so to the end of the chapter, had not my father plunged without good reason into that part of the pleading where the great philosopher reckons up his alliances and children: 'I have friends - I have relations - I have three desolate children,' says Socrates.


----Then, cried my mother, opening the door, ----you have one more, Mr. _Shandy_, than I know of.

'Then,' cried my mother, opening the door, 'you have one more, Mr. Shandy, than I know of.'


I have one less, --said my father, getting up and walking out of the room.

I have one less,' said my father, getting up and walking out of the room.


It is a great pity----but 'tis certain from every day's observation of man, that he may be set on fire like a candle, at either end--provided there is a sufficient wick standing out; if there is not--there's an end of the affair; and if there is--by lighting it at the bottom, as the flame in that case has the misfortune generally to put out itself--there's an end of the affair again.

It is a great pity - but 'tis certain that man may be set on fire like a candle, at either end - provided there is a sufficient wick standing out. If there is not - there's an end of it; and if there is - by lighting it at the bottom, as the flame in that case generally puts itself out - there's an end of it again.


For my part, could I always have the ordering of it which way I would be burnt myself--for I cannot bear the thoughts of being burnt like a beast --I would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top; for then I should burn down decently to the socket; that is, from my head to my heart, from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my bowels, and so on by the meseraick veins and arteries, through all the turns and lateral insertions of the intestines and their tunicles to the blind gut----

For my part, could I always choose which way I would be burnt - I would oblige a housewife constantly to light me at the top; for then I should burn down decently to the socket; that is, from my head to my heart, from my heart to my liver, from my liver to my bowels, and so on by the veins and arteries, through all the turns of the intestines and their tunicles to the blind gut-


----I beseech you, doctor _Slop_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, interrupting him as he mentioned the _blind gut_, in a discourse with my father the night my mother was brought to bed of me ----I beseech you, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to tell me which is the blind gut; for, old as I am, I vow I do not know to this day where it lies.

'I beseech you, doctor Slop,' quoth my uncle Toby, interrupting him as he mentioned the blind gut, in a discourse with my father the night my mother was brought to bed of me - 'I beseech you,' quoth my uncle, 'to tell me which is the blind gut; for I do not know where it lies.'


The _blind gut_, answered doctor _Slop_, lies betwixt the _Ilion_ and _Colon_----

'The blind gut,' answered doctor Slop, 'lies betwixt the Ilion and Colon.'


----'Tis precisely the same, cried doctor _Slop_, in a woman.----

''Tis precisely the same,' cried doctor Slop, 'in a woman.'


That's more than I know; quoth my father.

'That's more than I know,' quoth my father.


--But can the thing be undone, _Yorick?_ said my father--for in my opinion, continued he, it cannot.

'But can the thing be undone, Yorick?' said my father.


I am a vile canonist, replied _Yorick_--but of all evils, holding suspense to be the most tormenting, we shall at least know the worst of this matter.

'I am vile at canon law,' replied Yorick, 'but we shall at least know the worst of this matter.'


I hate these great dinners----said my father --The size of the dinner is not the point, answered _Yorick_----we want, Mr. _Shandy_, to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether the name can be changed or not--and as the beards of so many commissaries, officials, advocates, proctors, registers, and of the most eminent of our school-divines, and others, are all to meet in the middle of one table, and _Didius_ has so pressingly invited you--who in your distress would miss such an occasion?

'I hate these great dinners,' said my father.
'The size of the dinner is not the point,' answered Yorick. 'We want, Mr. Shandy, to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether the name can be changed or not - and as so many officials, advocates, proctors, and school-divines are all to meet at one table, and Didius has invited you - who, in your distress, would miss such an occasion?


All that is requisite, continued _Yorick_, is to apprize _Didius_, and let him manage a conversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject.

All that you need to do is to ask Didius to manage a conversation after dinner so as to introduce the subject.'


--Then my brother _Toby_, cried my father, clapping his two hands together, shall go with us.

'Then my brother Toby shall go with us,' cried my father.


----Let my old tye-wig, quoth my uncle _Toby_, and my laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all night, _Trim_.

'Let my old tie-wig,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'and my laced regimentals, be hung by the fire all night, Trim.'


----They are _Socrates's_ children, said my uncle _Toby_.

'They are Socrates's children,' said my uncle Toby.


He has been dead a hundred years ago, replied my mother.

'He has been dead a hundred years,' replied my mother.


My uncle _Toby_ was no chronologer--so not caring to advance one step but upon safe ground, he laid down his pipe deliberately upon the table, and rising up, and taking my mother most kindly by the hand, without saying another word, either good or bad, to her, he led her out after my father, that he might finish the ecclaircissement himself.

My uncle, not caring to argue, laid down his pipe upon the table. Rising up, and taking my mother most kindly by the hand, silently he led her out after my father, so that he might finish enlightening her himself.


Of all the tracts my father was at the pains to procure and study in support of his hypothesis, there was not any one wherein he felt a more cruel disappointment at first, than in the celebrated dialogue between _Pamphagus_ and _Cocles_, written by the chaste pen of the great and venerable _Erasmus_, upon the various uses and seasonable applications of long noses.

Of all the tracts my father studied in support of his hypothesis, there was not one which disappointed him more at first, than the celebrated dialogue between Pamphagus and Cocles, written by the great Erasmus, upon the various uses of long noses.


------Now don't let Satan, my dear girl, in this chapter, take advantage of any one spot of rising ground to get astride of your imagination, if you can any ways help it; or if he is so nimble as to slip on--let me beg of you, like an unback'd filly, _to frisk it, to squirt it, to jump it, to rear it, to bound it--and to kick it, with long kicks and short kicks_, till, like _Tickletoby's_ mare, you break a strap or a crupper and throw his worship into the dirt.

- Now don't let Satan, my dear girl, get astride of your imagination: if he is so nimble as to slip on - let me beg you to frisk, jump, and kick like Tickletoby's mare till you throw his worship into the dirt.


--'tis just as discreditable and unscholarlike a question, Sir, as to have asked what year (_ab. urb. con._) the second Punic war broke out.

'Tis as unscholarlike a question, Sir, as to have asked what year the second Punic war broke out.


----Read, read, read, read, my unlearned reader!


read--or by the knowledge of the great saint _Paraleipomenon_ --I tell you before-hand, you had better throw down the book at once; for without _much reading_, by which your reverence knows I mean _much knowledge_, you will no more be able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled page (motly emblem of my work!)

- or by the knowledge of the great saint Paraleipomenon, you had better throw down this book at once; for without much reading and knowledge, you will no more be able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled page (motley emblem of my work!)


than the world with all its sagacity has been able to unravel the many opinions, transactions, and truths which still lie mystically hid under the dark veil of the black one.

than the world with all its wisdom has been able to unravel the many truths which still lie mystically hid under the dark veil of the black one.


--I think, replied my uncle _Toby_, --taking, as I told you, his pipe from his mouth, and striking the ashes out of it as he began his sentence; ----I think, replied he, --it would not be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell.

'I think,' replied my uncle Toby, taking, as I told you, his pipe from his mouth, and striking the ashes out of it; - 'I think it would not be amiss, brother, if we rung the bell.'


Pray, what's all that racket over our heads, _Obadiah?_ ----quoth my father; ----my brother and I can scarce hear ourselves speak.

'Pray, what's all that racket over our heads, Obadiah?' quoth my father.


Sir, answered _Obadiah_, making a bow towards his left shoulder, --my Mistress is taken very badly.

'Sir,' answered Obadiah with a bow, 'my Mistress is taken very badly.'


--And where's _Susannah_ running down the garden there, as if they were going to ravish her?

'And where's Susannah running to down the garden?'


----Sir, she is running the shortest cut into the town, replied _Obadiah_, to fetch the old midwife.

'Sir, she is running into the town,' replied Obadiah, 'to fetch the old midwife.'


--Then saddle a horse, quoth my father, and do you go directly for Dr. _Slop_, the man-midwife, with all our services, ----and let him know your mistress is fallen into labour----and that I desire he will return with you with all speed.

'Then saddle a horse,' quoth my father, 'and go directly for Dr. Slop, the man-midwife, and let him know your mistress is fallen into labour - and that I desire him to return with you speedily.'


It is very strange, says my father, addressing himself to my uncle _Toby_, as _Obadiah_ shut the door, ----as there is so expert an operator as Dr. _Slop_ so near, --that my wife should persist to the very last in this obstinate humour of hers, in trusting the life of my child, who has had one misfortune already, to the ignorance of an old woman; ----and not only the life of my child, brother, ----but her own life, and with it the lives of all the children I might, peradventure, have begot out of her hereafter.

'It is very strange,' said my father to my uncle Toby, as Obadiah shut the door, - 'when there is an expert such as Dr. Slop so near, that my wife should persist so obstinately in trusting the life of my child to the ignorance of an old woman; - and not only the life of my child, but her own life, and with it the lives of all the children I might have in the future.'


Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle _Toby_, my sister does it to save the expense: --A pudding's end, --replied my father, ----the Doctor must be paid the same for inaction as action, ----if not better, --to keep him in temper.

'Mayhap, brother,' replied my uncle Toby, 'she does it to save the expense.'
'A pudding's end!' replied my father; 'the Doctor must be paid the same for inaction as action, - if not more, to keep him happy.'


----Then it can be out of nothing in the whole world, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in the simplicity of his heart, --but MODESTY.

'Then it can only be out of Modesty,' quoth my uncle Toby, in the simplicity of his heart.


--My sister, I dare say, added he, does not care to let a man come so near her ****.

'I dare say she does not care to let a man come so near her ****.'


I will not say whether my uncle _Toby_ had completed the sentence or not; ----'tis for his advantage to suppose he had, ----as, I think, he could have added no ONE WORD which would have improved it.
If, on the contrary, my uncle _Toby_ had not fully arrived at the period's end, --then the world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of my father's tobacco-pipe for one of the neatest examples of that ornamental figure in oratory, which Rhetoricians stile the _Aposiopesis_.

I will not say whether my uncle Toby had completed the sentence or not; but if he had not fully arrived at its end, - then the world stands indebted to the sudden snapping of my father's tobacco-pipe for one of the neatest examples of that ornamental figure in oratory, the Aposiopesis.


how does the _Poco piu_ and the _Poco meno_ of the _Italian_ artists; --the insensible MORE OR LESS, determine the precise line of beauty in the sentence, as well as in the statute!


How do the slight touches of the chisel, the pencil, the pen, the fiddle-stick, _et ctera_, --give the true swell, which gives the true pleasure!

How the slight touches of the chisel, the pencil, the pen, the fiddle-stick, et cetera, give true pleasure!


--O my countrymen; --be nice; --be cautious of your language; --and never, O!

- O my countrymen - be cautious of your language; and never, O!


never let it be forgotten upon what small particles your eloquence and your fame depend.

never forget upon what small particles your eloquence and your fame depend.


----"My sister, mayhap," quoth my uncle _Toby_, "does not choose to let a man come so near her ****."

'My sister, mayhap,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'does not choose to let a man come so near her ****.'


Make this row of stars, and 'tis an Aposiopesis.


--Take the dash away, and write _Backside_, ----'tis Bawdy.

Take it away, and write 'Backside'; 'tis Bawdy.


--Scratch Backside out, and put _Cover'd way_ in, 'tis a Metaphor; --and, I dare say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle _Toby's_ head, that if he had been left to have added one word to the sentence, ----that word was it.

- Scratch 'Backside' out, and put 'Covered way' in, 'tis a Metaphor; - and, I dare say, as fortification ran so much in my uncle Toby's head, that word was the one he would have added.


But whether that was the case or not the case; --or whether the snapping of my father's tobacco-pipe, so critically, happened through accident or anger, will be seen in due time.

But whether that was the case or no; - or whether the snapping of my father's tobacco-pipe happened through accident or anger, will be seen in due time.


At the end of the last chapter, my father and my uncle _Toby_ were left both standing, like _Brutus_ and _Cassius_, at the close of the scene, making up their accounts.


As my father spoke the three last words, ----he sat down; --my uncle _Toby_ exactly followed his example, only, that before he took his chair, he rung the bell, to order Corporal _Trim_, who was in waiting, to step home for _Stevinus_: --my uncle _Toby's_ house being no farther off than the opposite side of the way.

As my father spoke the last three words, he sat down. My uncle Toby rung the bell, to order Corporal Trim to step home for Stevinus: - my uncle's house being not far away.


Some men would have dropped the subject of _Stevinus_; ----but my uncle _Toby_ had no resentment in his heart, and he went on with the subject, to shew my father that he had none.

Some men would have dropped the subject of Stevinus; but my uncle Toby went on with the subject, to show my father that he bore him no resentment.


Your sudden appearance, Dr. _Slop_, quoth my uncle, resuming the discourse, instantly brought _Stevinus_ into my head. (My father, you may be sure, did not offer to lay any more wagers upon _Stevinus's_ head.) ----Because, continued my uncle _Toby_, the celebrated sailing chariot, which belonged to Prince _Maurice_, and was of such wonderful contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a dozen people thirty _German_ miles, in I don't know how few minutes, ----was invented by _Stevinus_, that great mathematician and engineer.

'Your sudden appearance, Dr. Slop,' quoth he, 'instantly brought Stevinus into my head, because the celebrated sailing chariot belonging to Prince Maurice, which carried half a dozen people thirty miles in I don't know how few minutes, was invented by Stevinus, that great mathematician and engineer.'


You might have spared your servant the trouble, quoth Dr. _Slop_ (as the fellow is lame) of going for _Stevinus's_ account of it, because in my return from _Leyden_ thro' the _Hague_, I walked as far as _Schevling_, which is two long miles, on purpose to take a view of it.

'You might have spared your servant the trouble of going for Stevinus's account of it,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'because in my return from Leyden through the Hague, I walked as far as Schevling, which is two long miles, to view it.'


That's nothing, replied my uncle _Toby_, to what the learned _Peireskius_ did, who walked a matter of five hundred miles, reckoning from _Paris_ to _Schevling_, and from _Schevling_ to _Paris_ back again, in order to see it, --and nothing else.

'That's nothing,' replied my uncle Toby. 'The learned Peireskius walked five hundred miles, from Paris to Schevling and back again, simply in order to see it.'


The more fool _Peireskius_, replied Dr. _Slop_.

'The more fool Peireskius,' replied Dr. Slop.


But mark, 'twas out of no contempt of _Peireskius_ at all; ----but that _Peireskius's_ indefatigable labour in trudging so far on foot, out of love for the sciences, reduced the exploit of Dr. _Slop_, in that affair, to nothing: --the more fool _Peireskius_, said he again.


--replied my father, taking his brother's part, not only to make reparation as fast as he could for the insult he had given him, which sat still upon my father's mind; ----but partly, that my father began really to interest himself in the discourse.

replied my father, interested in the discussion.


Why is _Peireskius_, or any man else, to be abused for an appetite for that, or any other morsel of sound knowledge: For notwithstanding I know nothing of the chariot in question, continued he, the inventor of it must have had a very mechanical head; and tho' I cannot guess upon what principles of philosophy he has atchieved it; --yet certainly his machine has been constructed upon solid ones, be they what they will, or it could not have answered at the rate my brother mentions.

- 'Why is Peireskius to be abused for having an appetite for knowledge? For although I know nothing of the sailing chariot in question, and I cannot guess upon what principles it is made - yet certainly the machine was constructed upon solid ones, or it could not have worked as well as my brother says.'


It answered, replied my uncle _Toby_, as well, if not better; for, as _Peireskius_ elegantly expresses it, speaking of the velocity of its motion, _Tam citus erat, quam erat ventus_; which, unless I have forgot my Latin, is, _that it was as swift as the wind itself_.

'It worked,' replied my uncle Toby, 'as well, if not better; for, as Peireskius said, it was as swift as the wind itself.'


But pray, Dr. _Slop_, quoth my father, interrupting my uncle (tho' not without begging pardon for it at the same time) upon what principles was this self-same chariot set a-going?

'Pray, Dr. Slop,' quoth my father, 'upon what principles was this chariot set a-going?'


--Upon very pretty principles to be sure, replied Dr. _Slop_: --And I have often wondered, continued he, evading the question, why none of our gentry, who live upon large plains like this of ours, --(especially they whose wives are not past child-bearing) attempt nothing of this kind; for it would not only be infinitely expeditious upon sudden calls, to which the sex is subject, --if the wind only served, --but would be excellent good husbandry to make use of the winds, which cost nothing, and which eat nothing, rather than horses, which (the devil take 'em) both cost and eat a great deal.

'Upon very pretty principles to be sure,' replied Dr. Slop, evading the question: 'and I have often wondered why none of our gentry, who live upon plains, attempt nothing of this kind; for 'twould be excellent good husbandry to make use of the winds, which cost nothing, and which eat nothing, rather than horses, which (the devil take 'em) both cost and eat a great deal.'


For that very reason, replied my father, "Because they cost nothing, and because they eat nothing," --the scheme is bad; --it is the consumption of our products, as well as the manufactures of them, which gives bread to the hungry, circulates trade, --brings in money, and supports the value of our lands: --and tho', I own, if I was a Prince, I would generously recompense the scientifick head which brought forth such contrivances; --yet I would as peremptorily suppress the use of them.

'For that very reason,' replied my father, 'the scheme is bad. It is the consumption of our products, as well as the manufacture of them, which gives bread to the hungry, circulates trade, and brings in money. - If I was a Prince, though I would generously reward the scientist who invented such things, yet I would also suppress the use of them.'


My father here had got into his element, ----and was going on as prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as my uncle _Toby_ had before, upon his of fortification; --but to the loss of much sound knowledge, the destinies in the morning had decreed that no dissertation of any kind should be spun by my father that day, ----for as he opened his mouth to begin the next sentence.

My father here had got into his element, and was going on as prosperously with his dissertation upon trade, as my uncle Toby had upon fortification; - but the destinies had decreed that no speech should be spun by my father that day, for as he opened his mouth to begin the next sentence,


----See if he is not cutting it into slips, and giving them about him to light their pipes!

'See if he is not cutting it into slips, and handing them around to light their pipes!'


----'Tis abominable, answered _Didius_; it should not go unnoticed, said doctor _Kysarcius_------ [-->] he was of the _Kysarcii_ of the Low Countries.

''Tis abominable,' answered Didius.
'It should not go unnoticed,' said doctor Kysarcius.


Methinks, said _Didius_, half rising from his chair, in order to remove a bottle and a tall decanter, which stood in a direct line betwixt him and _Yorick_----you might have spared this sarcastic stroke, and have hit upon a more proper place, Mr. _Yorick_--or at least upon a more proper occasion to have shewn your contempt of what we have been about: If the sermon is of no better worth than to light pipes with----'twas certainly, Sir, not good enough to be preached before so learned a body; and if 'twas good enough to be preached before so learned a body----'twas certainly, Sir, too good to light their pipes with afterwards.

'Methinks,' said Didius, half rising from his chair, to remove a bottle which stood betwixt him and Yorick - 'you might have spared this sarcastic stroke, and have hit upon a more proper place, Mr. Yorick, to have shown your contempt of us. If the sermon is of no better worth than to light pipes with - 'twas certainly, Sir, not good enough to be preached before so learned an assembly; and if 'twas good enough to be preached before us, 'twas certainly too good to light pipes with afterwards.'


----I have got him fast hung up, quoth _Didius_ to himself, upon one of the two horns of my dilemma----let him get off as he can.

Didius thought, 'I have got him hung upon the horns of my dilemma - let him get off as he can.'


I have undergone such unspeakable torments, in bringing forth this sermon, quoth _Yorick_, upon this occasion------that I declare, _Didius_, I would suffer martyrdom--and if it was possible my horse with me, a thousand times over, before I would sit down and make such another: I was delivered of it at the wrong end of me----it came from my head instead of my heart------and it is for the pain it gave me, both in the writing and preaching of it, that I revenge myself of it, in this manner --To preach, to shew the extent of our reading, or the subtleties of our wit--to parade in the eyes of the vulgar with the beggarly accounts of a little learning, tinsel'd over with a few words which glitter, but convey little light and less warmth----is a dishonest use of the poor single half hour in a week which is put into our hands--'Tis not preaching the gospel--but ourselves ----For my own part, continued _Yorick_, I had rather direct five words point-blank to the heart.--

'I have undergone such unspeakable torments, in bringing forth this sermon,' quoth Yorick, 'that I declare, Didius, I would suffer martyrdom before I would sit down and make such another. It came from my head instead of my heart - and it is for the pain it gave me, that I revenge myself on it in this manner. To preach - to parade before vulgar eyes our beggarly learning, tinselled over with a few words which glitter, but convey little light and less warmth - 'tis not preaching the gospel - but ourselves. For my own part,' continued he, 'I had rather direct five words point-blank to the heart.'


As _Yorick_ pronounced the word _point-blank_, my uncle _Toby_ rose up to say something upon projectiles----when a single word and no more uttered from the opposite side of the table drew every one's ears towards it--a word of all others in the dictionary the last in that place to be expected--a word I am ashamed to write--yet must be written----must be read--illegal--uncanonical--guess ten thousand guesses, multiplied into themselves--rack--torture your invention for ever, you're where you was --------In short, I'll tell it in the next chapter.

As Yorick pronounced the word point-blank, my uncle Toby rose up to say something upon projectiles - when a single word uttered from the opposite side of the table drew everyone's ears - a word of all others in the dictionary the last to be expected - a word I am ashamed to write - yet must be written - guess ten thousand guesses, you'll never get there-
In short, I'll tell it in the next chapter.


----"which words being heard by all the soldiers which were there, divers of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room for the assailant: all this did _Gymnast_ very well remark and consider; and therefore, making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh) shifting his feet in the stirrup, and performing the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the saddle, standing upright, with his back turned towards his horse's head, --Now (said he) my case goes forward.

- 'which words being heard by all the soldiers there, many of them being inwardly terrified, did shrink back and make room for the assailant. All this did Gymnast consider; and therefore, acting as if he was alighting from his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly (with his short sword by his thigh) shifted his feet in the stirrup, and performed the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he launched himself aloft into the air, and placed both his feet together upon the saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards his horse's head.
'"Now," (said he) "my case goes forward."


Then suddenly in the same posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left-hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into his former position, without missing one jot.

Then suddenly, in the same posture, he performed a gambol upon one foot, and turning to the left, carried his body perfectly round into his former position, without missing one jot.


said _Tripet_, I will not do that at this time, --and not without cause.

said Tripet, "I will not do that, - and not without cause."


Well, said _Gymnast_, I have failed, --I will undo this leap; then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right-hand, he fetched another frisking gambol as before; which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the air, poising and upholding his whole weight upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times: at the fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without _touching anything_, he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, and then giving himself a jerking swing, he seated himself upon the crupper----"

'"Well," said Gymnast, "I have failed. I will undo this leap;" then with marvellous strength and agility, turning to the right, he performed another frisking gambol as before; then he set his right thumb upon the bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung into the air, poising his whole weight upon the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times. At the fourth turn, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down and foreside back without touching anything, he brought himself betwixt the horse's ears, and then with a jerking swing, he seated himself upon the crupper-'


(This can't be fighting, said my uncle _Toby_.

('This can't be fighting,' said my uncle Toby.


"Then (_Tripet_) pass'd his right leg over his saddle, and placed himself _en croup_.

'Then Tripet passed his right leg over his saddle, and placed himself en croup.


--But, said he, 'twere better for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and strait found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a tolerable seat; then springing into the air with a summerset, he turned him about like a wind-mill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas."

'"But," said he, "'twere better for me to get into the saddle;" then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper, and leaning on them, as the only supporters of his body, he turned heels over head, and found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle; then springing into the air with a somersault, he turned about like a windmill, and made above a hundred frisks, turns, and demi-pommadas-'


cried _Trim_, losing all patience, --one home thrust of a bayonet is worth it all.

cried Trim, losing all patience; 'one home thrust of a bayonet is worth it all.'


----I think so too, replied _Yorick_.----


I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father.

'I am of a contrary opinion,' quoth my father.


--No doubt, Sir, --there is a whole chapter wanting here--and a chasm of ten pages made in the book by it--but the bookbinder is neither a fool, or a knave, or a puppy--nor is the book a jot more imperfect (at least upon that score)----but, on the contrary, the book is more perfect and complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, as I shall demonstrate to your reverences in this manner.

- No doubt, Sir - there is a whole chapter (number 24) missing here - and a chasm of ten pages made in the book by it - but the bookbinder is neither a fool, or a knave, nor is the book a jot more imperfect - but, on the contrary, is more perfect by missing the chapter, than having it, as I shall demonstrate.


--I question first, by the bye, whether the same experiment might not be made as successfully upon sundry other chapters------but there is no end, an' please your reverences, in trying experiments upon chapters------we have had enough of it ----So there's an end of that matter.

- I question, by the bye, whether the same experiment might not be made successfully upon various other chapters - but there is no end in trying experiments upon chapters - so enough.


But before I begin my demonstration, let me only tell you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which otherwise you would all have been reading just now, instead of this----was the description of my father's, my uncle _Toby's_, _Trim's_, and _Obadiah's_ setting out and journeying to the visitation at ****.

But before I begin my demonstration, let me just tell you, that the chapter which I have torn out, and which otherwise you would be reading now, was the description of my father's, my uncle Toby's, Trim's, and Obadiah's setting out and journeying to the visit at ****.


We'll go in the coach, said my father --Prithee, have the arms been altered, _Obadiah?_ --It would have made my story much better to have begun with telling you, that at the time my mother's arms were added to the _Shandy's_, when the coach was re-painted upon my father's marriage, it had so fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether by performing all his works with the left-hand, like _Turpilius_ the _Roman_, or _Hans Holbein_ of _Basil_----or whether 'twas more from the blunder of his head than hand----or whether, lastly, it was from the sinister turn which every thing relating to our family was apt to take----it so fell out, however, to our reproach, that instead of the _bend-dexter_, which since _Harry_ the Eighth's reign was honestly our due------a _bend-sinister_, by some of these fatalities, had been drawn quite across the field of the _Shandy_ arms.

'We'll go in the coach,' said my father - 'Prithee, has the coat of arms been altered, Obadiah?'
It would have made my story much better to have begun with telling you that at the time my mother's heraldic arms were added to the Shandy's, when the coach was re-painted upon their marriage, it had so happened that the coach-painter - whether by painting all his works with the left-hand, like Hans Holbein - or whether 'twas a blunder - or the sinister turn which everything relating to our family was apt to take - it happened that, instead of the bend-dexter, which since Harry the Eighth's reign was honestly our due, a bend-sinister, the emblem of a child born out of wedlock, had been drawn across the field of the Shandy coat of arms.


'Tis scarce credible that the mind of so wise a man as my father was, could be so much incommoded with so small a matter.

'Tis scarce credible that a man as wise as my father, could be so much incommoded with so small a matter.


The word coach--let it be whose it would--or coach-man, or coach-horse, or coach-hire, could never be named in the family, but he constantly complained of carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon the door of his own; he never once was able to step into the coach, or out of it, without turning round to take a view of the arms, and making a vow at the same time, that it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it again, till the _bend-sinister_ was taken out--but like the affair of the hinge, it was one of the many things which the _Destinies_ had set down in their books ever to be grumbled at (and in wiser families than ours)----but never to be mended.

The word coach, or coach-man, or coach-horse, could never be named, without him complaining of carrying this vile mark of illegitimacy upon his own coach; he was never able to step in or out of it, without turning round to view the arms, and vowing that it was the last time he would ever set his foot in it, till the bend-sinister was removed. But like the hinge, it was destined ever to be grumbled at, and never to be mended.


--Has the _bend-sinister_ been brush'd out, I say?

'Has the bend-sinister been brushed out?'


----There has been nothing brush'd out, Sir, answered _Obadiah_, but the lining.


We'll go o'horseback, said my father, turning to _Yorick_.

'We'll go on horseback,' said my father, turning to Yorick.


----Of all things in the world, except politicks, the clergy know the least of heraldry, said _Yorick_.

'The clergy know nothing of heraldry,' said Yorick.


--No matter for that, cried my father ----I should be sorry to appear with a blot in my escutcheon before them.


--Never mind the _bend-sinister_, said my uncle _Toby_, putting on his tye-wig.

'Never mind the bend-sinister,' said my uncle Toby, putting on his tie-wig.


----No, indeed, said my father--you may go with my aunt _Dinah_ to a visitation with a _bend-sinister_, if you think fit --My poor uncle _Toby_ blush'd.

'No, indeed,' said my father. 'You may go with my aunt Dinah on a visit with a bend-sinister, if you think fit.'
My poor uncle blushed.


------No----my dear brother _Toby_, said my father, changing his tone----but the damp of the coach-lining about my loins, may give me the sciatica again, as it did _December_, _January_, and _February_ last _winter_--so if you please you shall ride my wife's pad----and as you are to preach, _Yorick_, you had better make the best of your way before----and leave me to take care of my brother _Toby_, and to follow at our own rates.

'No - my dear brother,' he said, changing his tone, 'but the damp of the coach may give me the sciatica again, - so if you please, you shall ride my wife's horse - and as you are to preach, Yorick, you had better make your way before us - and we shall follow at our own rates.'


Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the description of this cavalcade, in which Corporal _Trim_ and _Obadiah_, upon two coach-horses a-breast, led the way as slow as a patrole----whilst my uncle _Toby_, in his laced regimentals and tye-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep roads and dissertations alternately upon the advantage of learning and arms, as each could get the start.

Now the chapter I was obliged to tear out, was the description of this cavalcade, in which Corporal Trim and Obadiah, upon two coach-horses, slowly led the way - whilst my uncle Toby, in his laced regimentals and tie-wig, rode alongside my father.


--But the painting of this journey, upon reviewing it, appears to be so much above the stile and manner of anything else I have been able to paint in this book, that it could not have remained in it, without depreciating every other scene; and destroying at the same time that necessary equipoise and balance, (whether of good or bad) betwixt chapter and chapter, from whence the just proportions and harmony of the whole work results.

But the painting of this journey is so much above the style of anything else I have painted in this book, that it could not have remained here without depreciating every other scene; and destroying that necessary balance betwixt chapters, from which the harmony of the whole work results.


For my own part, I am but just set up in the business, so know little about it--but, in my opinion, to write a book is for all the world like humming a song--but in tune with yourself, madam, 'tis no matter how high or how low you take it.

I am only just set up in the business, so know little about it - but, in my opinion, to write a book is like humming a song - stay in tune with yourself, madam, no matter how high or how low you take it.


--This is the reason, may it please your reverences, that some of the lowest and flattest compositions pass off very well----(as _Yorick_ told my uncle _Toby_ one night) by siege.


----My uncle _Toby_ looked brisk at the sound of the word _siege_, but could make neither head or tail of it.


I'm to preach at court next Sunday, said _Homenas_----run over my notes----so I humm'd over doctor _Homenas's_ notes--the modulation's very well----'twill do, _Homenas_, if it holds on at this rate----so on I humm'd----and a tolerable tune I thought it was; and to this hour, may it please your reverences, had never found out how low, how flat, how spiritless and jejune it was, but that all of a sudden, up started an air in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so heavenly, --it carried my soul up with it into the other world; now had I (as _Montaigne_ complained in a parallel accident)--had I found the declivity easy, or the ascent accessible------certes I had been outwitted.

'I'm to preach at court next Sunday,' said Homenas; 'run over my notes.' So I hummed over his notes - and a tolerable tune I thought it, never noticing how low, flat, and spiritless it was, until all of a sudden, up started a melody in the middle of it, so fine, so rich, so heavenly - it carried my soul up into the other world.


------Your notes, _Homenas_, I should have said, are good notes; ----but it was so perpendicular a precipice------so wholly cut off from the rest of the work, that by the first note I humm'd I found myself flying into the other world, and from thence discovered the vale from whence I came, so deep, so low, and dismal, that I shall never have the heart to descend into it again.

'Your notes, Homenas,' I should have said, 'are good notes; - but it was so perpendicular a precipice - so cut off from the rest of the work, that I found myself flying into the other world, and discovered that the vale from which I had come was so deep and dismal, that I shall never have the heart to descend into it again.'


[-->] A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own size--take my word, is a dwarf in more articles than one.


--And so much for tearing out of chapters.

- And so much for tearing out of chapters.


I have a strong propensity in me to begin this chapter very nonsensically, and I will not baulk my fancy.

I am inclined to begin this chapter very nonsensically.


If the fixture of _Momus's_ glass in the human breast, according to the proposed emendation of that arch-critick, had taken place, ----first, This foolish consequence would certainly have followed, --That the very wisest and very gravest of us all, in one coin or other, must have paid window-money every day of our lives.

If Momus's glass windows had been fixed in human breasts, as proposed by that mocking spirit of Greek mythology, so that men's thought might be laid bare; - then, the first consequence would have been, that all of us must have paid window-tax every day of our lives.


And, secondly, That had the said glass been there set up, nothing more would have been wanting, in order to have taken a man's character, but to have taken a chair and gone softly, as you would to a dioptrical beehive, and look'd in, --view'd the soul stark naked; --observed all her motions, --her machinations; --traced all her maggots from their first engendering to their crawling forth; --watched her loose in her frisks, her gambols, her capricios; and after some notice of her more solemn deportment, consequent upon such frisks, etc. ----then taken your pen and ink and set down nothing but what you had seen, and could have sworn to: --But this is an advantage not to be had by the biographer in this planet; --in the planet _Mercury_ (belike) it may be so, if not better still for him; ----for there the intense heat of the country, which is proved by computators, from its vicinity to the sun, to be more than equal to that of red-hot iron, --must, I think, long ago have vitrified the bodies of the inhabitants, (as the efficient cause) to suit them for the climate (which is the final cause); so that betwixt them both, all the tenements of their souls, from top to bottom, may be nothing else, for aught the soundest philosophy can shew to the contrary, but one fine transparent body of clear glass (bating the umbilical knot)--so that, till the inhabitants grow old and tolerably wrinkled, whereby the rays of light, in passing through them, become so monstrously refracted, ----or return reflected from their surfaces in such transverse lines to the eye, that a man cannot be seen through; --his soul might as well, unless for mere ceremony, or the trifling advantage which the umbilical point gave her, --might, upon all other accounts, I say, as well play the fool out o'doors as in her own house.

And the second; that nothing more would have been necessary to examine a man's character, but to have gone softly, as you would to a beehive, and looked in, - viewed the soul stark naked; observed her movements; traced all her maggots from their hatching to their crawling forth; - watched the soul's frisks and gambols; - and then to take your pen and set down what you had seen.
But this is an advantage not to be had by any biographer on this planet. In the planet Mercury, perhaps, it may be so, - for there the intense heat of the nearby sun must, I think, long ago have vitrified the bodies of the inhabitants, so that they may have fine transparent bodies of clear glass - until the inhabitants grow old and wrinkled, whereby the rays of light, in passing through them, become monstrously refracted, so that a man cannot be seen through.


But this, as I said above, is not the case of the inhabitants of this earth; --our minds shine not through the body, but are wrapt up here in a dark covering of uncrystalized flesh and blood; so that, if we would come to the specific characters of them, we must go some other way to work.

But here on earth our minds shine not through the body, but are wrapped up in a dark covering of uncrystallised flesh and blood; so that if we would see the characters within, we must do it some other way.


Many, in good truth, are the ways, which human wit has been forced to take, to do this thing with exactness.

Many are the ways in which human wit can do this.


Some, for instance, draw all their characters with wind-instruments.


--_Virgil_ takes notice of that way in the affair of _Dido_ and _neas_; --but it is as fallacious as the breath of fame; --and, moreover, bespeaks a narrow genius.

Virgil notes that way in the affair of Dido and Aeneas; but it is as false as the breath of fame.


I am not ignorant that the _Italians_ pretend to a mathematical exactness in their designations of one particular sort of character among them, from the _forte_ or _piano_ of a certain wind-instrument they use, --which they say is infallible.

I know that the Italians pretend be able to exactly measure one particular sort of character, from the forte or piano of a certain wind-instrument they use, which they say is infallible.


--I dare not mention the name of the instrument in this place; --'tis sufficient we have it amongst us, --but never think of making a drawing by it; --this is nigmatical, and intended to be so, at least _ad populum_: --And therefore, I beg, Madam, when you come here, that you read on as fast as you can, and never stop to make any inquiry about it.

I dare not mention the name of the instrument; it's enough that we have it amongst us. -This is enigmatical, and intended to be so. I beg, Madam, that you read on as fast as you can, and do not stop to inquire about it.


There are others again, who will draw a man's character from no other helps in the world, but merely from his evacuations; --but this often gives a very incorrect outline, --unless, indeed, you take a sketch of his repletions too; and by correcting one drawing from the other, compound one good figure out of them both.

There are others who will draw a man's character from his evacuations; but this often gives a very incorrect outline, unless you take a sketch of his in-goings too; and compound one good figure from them both.


I should have no objection to this method, but that I think it must smell too strong of the lamp, --and be render'd still more operose, by forcing you to have an eye to the rest of his _Non-naturals_. ----Why the most natural actions of a man's life should be called his Non-naturals, --is another question.

I should have no objection to this method, but that I think it must smell too strong of the lamp, and be made wearisome by forcing you to have an eye to his natural actions.


There are others, fourthly, who disdain every one of these expedients; --not from any fertility of their own, but from the various ways of doing it, which they have borrowed from the honourable devices which the Pentagraphic Brethren[1.3] of the brush have shewn in taking copies.

There are others, fourthly, who disdain all these methods; not from any creativity of their own, but because they borrow the ideas of mechanical copyists.


--These, you must know, are your great historians.

- These, you must know, are your great historians.


One of these you will see drawing a full-length character _against the light_; --that's illiberal, --dishonest, --and hard upon the character of the man who sits.

One of these you will see drawing a full-length character against the light; that's dishonest, and hard upon the character of the man who sits.


Others, to mend the matter, will make a drawing of you in the _Camera_; --that is most unfair of all, --because, _there_ you are sure to be represented in some of your most ridiculous attitudes.

Others will make a drawing of you in the Camera Obscura - that is most unfair of all, because you are sure to be shown in your most ridiculous attitudes.


To avoid all and every one of these errors in giving you my uncle _Toby's_ character, I am determined to draw it by no mechanical help whatever; ----nor shall my pencil be guided by any one wind-instrument which ever was blown upon, either on this, or on the other side of the _Alps_; --nor will I consider either his repletions or his discharges, --or touch upon his Non-naturals--but, in a word, I will draw my uncle _Toby's_ character from his HOBBY-HORSE.

To avoid all these errors in giving you my uncle Toby's character, I am determined to draw it by no mechanical help whatever; nor shall my pencil be guided by any wind-instrument; nor will I consider either his repletions or his discharges, - but in a word, I will draw my uncle Toby's character from his Hobby-Horse.


[Footnote 1.3: Pentagraph, an instrument to copy Prints and Pictures mechanically, and in any proportion.]


----so we are all got together----debtors and sinners before heaven; a jolly set of us--but I can't stay and quaff it off with you --I'm pursued myself like a hundred devils, and shall be overtaken, before I can well change horses: ----for heaven's sake, make haste----'Tis for high-treason, quoth a very little man, whispering as low as he could to a very tall man, that stood next him ----Or else for murder; quoth the tall man ----Well thrown, _Size-ace!_ quoth I.

- so we are all got together - a jolly set of debtors and sinners - but I can't stay with you - I'm pursued like a hundred devils, and shall be overtaken before I can change horses:- for heaven's sake, make haste-
''Tis for high-treason,' quoth a very little man, whispering to a tall man next to him.
'Or else for murder,' quoth the tall man.


No; quoth a third, the gentleman has been committing----.

'No', quoth a third; 'the gentleman has been committing-'


ma chere fille!_ said I, as she tripp'd by from her matins--you look as rosy as the morning (for the sun was rising, and it made the compliment the more gracious) --No; it can't be that, quoth a fourth----(she made a curt'sy to me --I kiss'd my hand) 'tis debt, continued he: 'Tis certainly for debt; quoth a fifth; I would not pay that gentleman's debts, quoth _Ace_, for a thousand pounds; nor would I, quoth _Size_, for six times the sum --Well thrown, _Size-ace_, again!

ma chere fille!' said I, as she tripped by, 'you look as rosy as the morning,'
'No; 'tis debt,' quoth a fourth (she curtsied to me - I kissed my hand to her.)
''Tis certainly for debt,' quoth a fifth; 'I would not pay that gentleman's debts for a thousand pounds.'


quoth I; --but I have no debt but the debt of NATURE, and I want but patience of her, and I will pay her every farthing I owe her ----How can you be so hard-hearted, MADAM, to arrest a poor traveller going along without molestation to any one upon his lawful occasions?

'I have no debt,' quoth I, 'but the debt of Nature, and I will pay her every farthing I owe her - How can you be so hard-hearted, Madam, to arrest a poor traveller not harming anyone?


do stop that death-looking, long-striding scoundrel of a scare-sinner, who is posting after me----he never would have followed me but for you----if it be but for a stage or two, just to give me start of him, I beseech you, madam----do, dear lady----

do stop that death-looking, long-striding scoundrel who is following me - if only for a stage or two, just give me a head start, I beseech you, madam-'


----Now, in troth, 'tis a great pity, quoth mine _Irish_ host, that all this good courtship should be lost; for the young gentlewoman has been after going out of hearing of it all along.----

'Now, 'tis a great pity,' quoth mine Irish host, 'that all this good courtship should be lost; for the young gentlewoman has been after going out of hearing.'


----So you have nothing _else_ in _Boulogne_ worth seeing?

'So you have nothing else in Boulogne worth seeing?'


there is the finest SEMINARY for the HUMANITIES----

there is the finest Seminary for the Humanities.'


When we arrived at the Chaise-vamper's House, Both the House and the shop were shut up; it was the eighth of _September_, the nativity of the blessed Virgin _Mary_, mother of God--

When we arrived at the Chaise-vamper's house, it was shut up; it was the eighth of September, the nativity of the blessed Virgin Mary.


----Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi----the whole world was gone out a May-poling--frisking here--capering there----nobody cared a button for me or my remarks; so I sat me down upon a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition: by a better fate than usually attends me, I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in to take the papilliotes from off her hair, before she went to the May-poles----

Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi - the whole world was gone out a Maypoling - frisking here - capering there - nobody cared a button for me or my remarks; so I sat down upon a bench by the door, philosophating upon my condition.
I had not waited half an hour, when the mistress came in to take the curling-papers from her hair, before she went to the Maypoles-


The _French_ women, by the bye, love May-poles, _ la folie_--that is, as much as their matins----give 'em but a May-pole, whether in _May_, _June_, _July_, or _September_--they never count the times----down it goes----'tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to 'em----and had we but the policy, an' please your worships (as wood is a little scarce in _France_), to send them but plenty of May-poles----
The women would set them up; and when they had done, they would dance round them (and the men for company) till they were all blind.

The French women, by the bye, love Maypoles, at any time of year - give 'em but a Maypole, down it goes - 'tis meat, drink, washing, and lodging to 'em - and if we but had the policy to send plenty of Maypoles to France, the women would dance round them (with the men for company) till they were all blind.


The wife of the chaise-vamper stepp'd in, I told you, to take the papilliotes from off her hair----the toilet stands still for no man----so she jerk'd off her cap, to begin with them as she open'd the door, in doing which, one of them fell upon the ground ----I instantly saw it was my own writing----

The wife of the chaise-vamper came in, and jerked off her cap, to begin removing her curling-papers from her hair. One of them fell upon the ground - I instantly saw it was my writing-


cried I--you have got all my remarks upon your head, Madam!

you have got my remarks upon your head, Madam!' cried I.


----_J'en suis bien mortifie_, said she----'tis well, thinks I, they have stuck there--for could they have gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a _French_ woman's noddle --She had better have gone with it unfrizled, to the day of eternity.

'J'en suis bien mortifie,' said she.
'Twas as well they stuck there - for if they had gone deeper, they would have made such confusion in a Frenchwoman's noddle that she would have been better off unfrizzled.


_Tenez_--said she--so without any idea of the nature of my suffering, she took them from her curls, and put them gravely one by one into my hat----one was twisted this way----another twisted that----ey!

'Tenez,' said she - and taking them from her curls, she put them gravely one by one into my hat - one twisted this way - and one that-


by my faith; and when they are published, quoth I,----
They will be worse twisted still.

'By my faith,' quoth I, 'when they are published, they will be worse twisted still.'


As the point was that night agreed, or rather determined, that my mother should lye-in of me in the country, she took her measures accordingly; for which purpose, when she was three days, or thereabouts, gone with child, she began to cast her eyes upon the midwife, whom you have so often heard me mention; and before the week was well got round, as the famous Dr. _Manningham_ was not to be had, she had come to a final determination in her mind, ----notwithstanding there was a scientific operator within so near a call as eight miles of us, and who, moreover, had expressly wrote a five shillings book upon the subject of midwifery, in which he had exposed, not only the blunders of the sisterhood itself, ----but had likewise superadded many curious improvements for the quicker extraction of the ftus in cross births, and some other cases of danger, which belay us in getting into the world; notwithstanding all this, my mother, I say, was absolutely determined to trust her life, and mine with it, into no soul's hand but this old woman's only.

As it was that night agreed, or rather determined, that my mother should lie-in with me at home in the country, she planned accordingly. When she was three days, or thereabouts, gone with child, she began to think about the midwife, whom you have so often heard me mention; and before the week was through, she had come to a decision; - even though there was a scientific operator within eight miles of us, who had wrote a five shilling book upon midwifery, in which he had not only exposed the blunders of midwives, but had added many curious improvements for the quicker extraction of the foetus in cases of danger. Despite this, my mother was absolutely determined to trust her life, and mine with it, into the old woman's hand only.


--Now this I like; --when we cannot get at the very thing we wish----never to take up with the next best in degree to it: --no; that's pitiful beyond description; --it is no more than a week from this very day, in which I am now writing this book for the edification of the world; --which is _March_ 9, 1759, ----that my dear, dear _Jenny_, observing I looked a little grave, as she stood cheapening a silk of five-and-twenty shillings a yard, --told the mercer, she was sorry she had given him so much trouble; --and immediately went and bought herself a yard-wide stuff of tenpence a yard.

- Now this I like; when we cannot get the exact thing we wish, never to make do with the next best: - no; that's pitiful beyond description; it was only a week ago from this very day, - which is March 9, 1759 - that my dear, dear Jenny, observing I looked a little grave, as she stood fingering a silk at five-and-twenty shillings a yard, told the mercer she was sorry she had given him so much trouble; and immediately went and bought herself stuff at tenpence a yard.