----_Tom_ did not care, _Trim_, he would say, to put on the cap, or to smoke in the tobacco-pipe of a _Jew_.


----God bless your honour, the corporal would say, (giving a strong reason to the contrary)--how can that be?


The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine _Spanish_ cloth, dyed in grain, and mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue, slightly embroidered, --and seemed to have been the property of a _Portuguese_ quartermaster, not of foot, but of horse, as the word denotes.

The Montero-cap was scarlet, of a superfine Spanish cloth, mounted all round with fur, except about four inches in the front, which was faced with a light blue embroidered cloth. It seemed to have been the property of a Portuguese quartermaster.


The corporal was not a little proud of it, as well for its own sake, as the sake of the giver, so seldom or never put it on but upon GALA-days; and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all controverted points, whether military or culinary, provided the corporal was sure he was in the right, --it was either his _oath_, --his _wager_, --or his _gift_.

The corporal was proud of it, for its own sake as well as for the sake of the giver, so he seldom wore it; and yet never was a Montero-cap put to so many uses; for in all disputed points, provided the corporal was sure he was in the right, it was either his oath, his wager, or his gift.


I'll be bound, said the corporal, speaking to himself, to _give_ away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honour's satisfaction.

'I'll be bound,' said the corporal to himself, 'to give away my Montero-cap to the first beggar who comes to the door, if I do not manage this matter to his honour's satisfaction.'


The completion was no further off than the very next morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the _Lower Deule_, to the right, and the gate _St. Andrew_, --and on the left, between St. _Magdalen's_ and the river.

He completed it the very next morning; which was that of the storm of the counterscarp betwixt the Lower Deule and St Andrew's Gate; and on the left, between St. Magdalen's and the river.


As this was the most memorable attack in the whole war, --the most gallant and obstinate on both sides, --and I must add the most bloody too, for it cost the allies themselves that morning above eleven hundred men, --my uncle _Toby_ prepared himself for it with a more than ordinary solemnity.

As this was the most memorable, gallant and bloody attack in the whole war, my uncle Toby prepared himself for it with more than ordinary solemnity.


The eve which preceded, as my uncle _Toby_ went to bed, he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old compaigning trunk, which stood by his bedside, to be taken out and laid upon the lid of it, ready for the morning; --and the very first thing he did in his shirt, when he had stepped out of bed, my uncle _Toby_, after he had turned the rough side outwards, --put it on: ----This done, he proceeded next to his breeches, and having buttoned the waistband, he forthwith buckled on his sword-belt, and had got his sword half way in, --when he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on, --so took it off: ----In assaying to put on his regimental coat and waistcoat, my uncle _Toby_ found the same objection in his wig, --so that went off too: --So that what with one thing and what with another, as always falls out when a man is in the most haste, --'twas ten o'clock, which was half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle _Toby_ sallied out.

The evening before, as my uncle Toby went to bed, he ordered his ramallie wig, which had laid inside out for many years in the corner of an old campaigning trunk, to be taken out, ready for the morning; - and the first thing he did, when he had stepped out of bed, was to put it on.
He proceeded next to his breeches, and buckled on his sword-belt. He had got his sword half way in, when he considered he should want shaving, and that it would be very inconvenient doing it with his sword on, so took it off. He then found the same objection in his wig - so that went off too. So that what with one thing and another, 'twas ten o'clock, half an hour later than his usual time, before my uncle Toby sallied out.


----We'll not stop two moments, my dear Sir, --only, as we have got through these five volumes,[6.1] (do, Sir, sit down upon a set----they are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have pass'd through.----

We'll not stop two moments, my dear Sir, - only, as we have got through five volumes, (do, Sir, sit down upon a set - they are better than nothing) let us just look back upon the country we have passed through.


and what a mercy that we have not both of us been lost, or devoured by wild beasts in it!

and what a mercy that we have not been lost in it!


Did you think the world itself, Sir, had contained such a number of Jack Asses?

Did you think the world contained so many Jack Asses?


----How they view'd and review'd us as we passed over the rivulet at the bottom of that little valley!

How they viewed and reviewed us as we passed over the bottom of that little valley!


----and when we climbed over that hill, and were just getting out of sight--good God!

and when we climbed that hill, and were just getting out of sight - good God!


what a braying did they all set up together!


----Bray bray--bray. Bray on, --the world is deeply your debtor; ----louder still--that's nothing: --in good sooth, you are ill-used: ----Was I a Jack Asse, I solemnly declare, I would bray in G-fol-re-ut from morning, even unto night.

Bray - bray, bray on - louder still - that's nothing. Was I a Jack Ass, I solemnly declare, I would bray from morning until night.


[Footnote 6.1: In the first edition, the sixth volume began with this chapter.]


My uncle _Toby's_ Map is carried down into the kitchen.

My uncle Toby's Map is carried down into the kitchen.


"It is with Love as with Cuckoldom"----the suffering party is at least the _third_, but generally the last in the house who knows anything about the matter: this comes, as all the world knows, from having half a dozen words for one thing; and so long, as what in this vessel of the human frame, is _Love_--may be _Hatred_, in that----_Sentiment_ half a yard higher----and _Nonsense_----------no, Madam, --not there ----I mean at the part I am now pointing to with my forefinger----how can we help ourselves?

'It is with Love as with Cuckoldom' - the suffering party is generally the last who knows anything about it: this comes from having half a dozen words for one thing; and so long as what to one man's breast is Love may be Hatred, in another - or Sentiment or Nonsense - no Madam, not there, I mean the part I am pointing at - how can we help ourselves?


Of all mortal, and immortal men too, if you please, who ever soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my uncle _Toby_ was the worst fitted, to have push'd his researches, thro' such a contention of feelings; and he had infallibly let them all run on, as we do worse matters, to see what they would turn out----had not _Bridget's_ pre-notification of them to _Susannah_, and _Susannah's_ repeated manifestoes thereupon to all the world, made it necessary for my uncle _Toby_ to look into the affair.

Of all mortal men who ever soliloquized upon this mystic subject, my uncle Toby was the worst fitted to have pushed his researches through such a trial of feelings; and he would have let them run on, to see how they would turn out - had not Bridget's telling of them to Susannah, and Susannah's disclosure to all the world, made it necessary for my uncle Toby to look into the affair.


I wish I could write a chapter upon sleep.


A fitter occasion could never have presented itself, than what this moment offers, when all the curtains of the family are drawn--the candles put out--and no creature's eyes are open but a single one, for the other has been shut these twenty years, of my mother's nurse.

A fitter occasion could never have presented itself than this moment, when all the curtains are drawn - the candles put out - and no creature's eyes are open but a single one, of my mother's nurse.


And yet, as fine as it is, I would undertake to write a dozen chapters upon button-holes, both quicker and with more fame, than a single chapter upon this.

And yet, fine as it is, I would rather write a dozen chapters upon button-holes than a single chapter upon this.


there is something lively in the very idea of 'em----and trust me, when I get amongst 'em ----You gentry with great beards----look as grave as you will ------I'll make merry work with my button-holes --I shall have 'em all to myself--'tis a maiden subject --I shall run foul of no man's wisdom or fine sayings in it.

there is something lively in the very idea of 'em - and trust me, when I get amongst 'em - You gentry look as grave as you will - I'll make merry work with my button-holes. I shall have 'em all to myself - 'tis a maiden subject - I shall run foul of no man's fine sayings in it.


But for sleep ----I know I shall make nothing of it before I begin --I am no dab at your fine sayings in the first place--and in the next, I cannot for my soul set a grave face upon a bad matter, and tell the world--'tis the refuge of the unfortunate--the enfranchisement of the prisoner--the downy lap of the hopeless, the weary, and the broken-hearted; nor could I set out with a lye in my mouth, by affirming, that of all the soft and delicious functions of our nature, by which the great Author of it, in his bounty, has been pleased to recompense the sufferings wherewith his justice and his good pleasure has wearied us----that this is the chiefest (I know pleasures worth ten of it); or what a happiness it is to man, when the anxieties and passions of the day are over, and he lies down upon his back, that his soul shall be so seated within him, that whichever way she turns her eyes, the heavens shall look calm and sweet above her--no desire--or fear--or doubt that troubles the air, nor any difficulty past, present, or to come, that the imagination may not pass over without offence, in that sweet secession.

But as for sleep - I know I shall make nothing of it before I begin. I am no dab hand at fine sayings in the first place, and in the next, I cannot for my soul look grave, and tell the world 'tis the refuge of the unfortunate - the freedom of the prisoner - the comfort of the hopeless and the weary; nor could I lie by affirming, that - of all the delicious functions of our nature, by which God, in his bounty, has been pleased to recompense the sufferings wherewith his justice has wearied us - that this is the chiefest (for I know pleasures worth ten of it); or what a happiness it is to man, when the anxieties of the day are over, and he lies back, with the heavens looking calm and sweet above him - no fear or doubt troubling him.


"God's blessing," said _Sancho Pana_, "be upon the man who first invented this self-same thing called sleep--it covers a man all over like a cloak."

'God's blessing,' said Sancho Panza, 'be upon the man who first invented this thing called sleep - it covers a man like a cloak.'


Now there is more to me in this, and it speaks warmer to my heart and affections, than all the dissertations squeez'd out of the heads of the learned together upon the subject.

Now this speaks warmer to my heart than all the dissertations squeezed out of the heads of the learned.


--Not that I altogether disapprove of what _Montaigne_ advances upon it--'tis admirable in its way--(I quote by memory).

Not that I altogether disapprove of what Montaigne says - 'tis admirable in its way; (I quote by memory):


The world enjoys other pleasures, says he, as they do that of sleep, without tasting or feeling it as it slips and passes by.

'The world enjoys other pleasures,' says he, 'as they do that of sleep, without feeling it as it slips by.


--We should study and ruminate upon it, in order to render proper thanks to him who grants it to us.

We should ruminate upon it, in order to give proper thanks to him who grants it to us.


--For this end I cause myself to be disturbed in my sleep, that I may the better and more sensibly relish it.

I cause myself to be disturbed in my sleep, so that I may the better relish it.


----And yet I see few, says he again, who live with less sleep, when need requires; my body is capable of a firm, but not of a violent and sudden agitation --I evade of late all violent exercises ----I am never weary with walking----but from my youth, I never liked to ride upon pavements.

And yet I see few,' says he, 'who sleep less than me.


I love to lie hard and alone, and even without my wife ----This last word may stagger the faith of the world----but remember, "La Vraisemblance (as _Bayle_ says in the affair of _Liceti_) n'est pas toujours du Ct de la Verit."

I love to lie hard and alone, and even without my wife. This last may stagger the world - but remember, "La Vraisemblance n'est pas toujours du Ct de la Verit."'


----'Twas by a poor ass, who had just turned in with a couple of large panniers upon his back, to collect eleemosynary turnip-tops and cabbage-leaves; and stood dubious, with his two fore-feet on the inside of the threshold, and with his two hinder feet towards the street, as not knowing very well whether he was to go in or no.

-'Twas by a poor ass, who had just turned in with a couple of large panniers upon his back, for turnip-tops and cabbage-leaves; and stood dubious, with his two fore-feet on the inside of the threshold, and with his two hind feet on the street, not knowing whether he was to go in or no.


Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I cannot bear to strike----there is a patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so unaffectedly in his looks and carriage, which pleads so mightily for him, that it always disarms me; and to that degree, that I do not like to speak unkindly to him: on the contrary, meet him where I will--whether in town or country--in cart or under panniers--whether in liberty or bondage ----I have ever something civil to say to him on my part; and as one word begets another (if he has as little to do as I) ----I generally fall into conversation with him; and surely never is my imagination so busy as in framing his responses from the etchings of his countenance--and where those carry me not deep enough----in flying from my own heart into his, and seeing what is natural for an ass to think--as well as a man, upon the occasion.

Now, I cannot bear to strike an ass - there is such a patient endurance of sufferings in his looks that it always disarms me; and I do not even like to speak unkindly to him. On the contrary, wherever I meet an ass, I have always something civil to say to him; and as one word begets another, I generally fall into conversation with him: imagining his responses from the expression on his face - or from looking into his heart, and seeing what is natural for an ass to think.


In truth, it is the only creature of all the classes of beings below me, with whom I can do this: for parrots, jackdaws, &c. ----I never exchange a word with them----nor with the apes, &c., for pretty near the same reason; they act by rote, as the others speak by it, and equally make me silent: nay my dog and my cat, though I value them both----(and for my dog he would speak if he could)--yet somehow or other, they neither of them possess the talents for conversation ----I can make nothing of a discourse with them, beyond the _proposition_, the _reply_, and _rejoinder_, which terminated my father's and my mother's conversations, in his beds of justice----and those utter'd----there's an end of the dialogue----

In truth, it is the only creature with whom I can do this: for parrots, jackdaws, &c. - I never exchange a word with them - nor with apes; for they act by rote, as parrots speak by it, and both make me silent. Even my dog and my cat, though I value them both (and my dog would speak if he could) - yet neither of them has the talents for conversation - I can make nothing of a discourse with them, beyond the proposition, the reply, and rejoinder, which ended my father's and mother's conversations in his beds of justice.


--But with an ass, I can commune for ever.

- But with an ass, I can commune for ever.


Come, _Honesty!_ said I, ----seeing it was impracticable to pass betwixt him and the gate----art thou for coming in, or going out?

'Come, Honesty!' said I, seeing it was impossible to get past him - 'art thou coming in, or going out?'


The ass twisted his head round to look up the street----

The ass twisted his head round to look up the street.


Well--replied I--we'll wait a minute for thy driver:

'Well,' replied I, 'we'll wait a minute for thy driver.'


----He turned his head thoughtful about, and looked wistfully the opposite way----

He turned his head and looked wistfully the opposite way.


I understand thee perfectly, answered I ----If thou takest a wrong step in this affair, he will cudgel thee to death ----Well!

'I understand thee perfectly,' answered I. 'If thou takest a wrong step, he will cudgel thee to death. - Well!


a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a fellow-creature a drubbing, it shall not be set down as ill spent.

a minute is but a minute, and if it saves a fellow-creature a beating, it is not ill spent.'


He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this discourse went on, and in the little peevish contentions of nature betwixt hunger and unsavouriness, had dropt it out of his mouth half a dozen times, and pick'd it up again ----God help thee, _Jack!_ said I, thou hast a bitter breakfast on't--and many a bitter day's labour, --and many a bitter blow, I fear, for its wages----'tis all--all bitterness to thee, whatever life is to others.

He was eating the stem of an artichoke as this went on, and had dropped it out of his mouth half a dozen times, and picked it up again.
'God help thee, Jack!' said I, 'thou hast a bitter breakfast - and a bitter day's labour, and many a bitter blow, I fear, for wages.


----And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot--(for he had cast aside the stem) and thou hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, that will give thee a macaroon.

- And now thy mouth is as bitter, I dare say, as soot' (for he had cast aside the stem) 'and thou hast not a friend in all this world, that will give thee a macaroon.'


----In saying this, I pull'd out a paper of 'em, which I had just purchased, and gave him one--and at this moment that I am telling it, my heart smites me, that there was more of pleasantry in the conceit, of seeing _how_ an ass would eat a macaroon----than of benevolence in giving him one, which presided in the act.

In saying this, I pulled out a bag of 'em, which I had just purchased, and gave him one - and my heart smites me, that I did this more to see how an ass would eat a macaroon than out of kindness.


When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I press'd him to come in--the poor beast was heavy loaded----his legs seem'd to tremble under him----he hung rather backwards, and as I pull'd at his halter, it broke short in my hand----he look'd up pensive in my face-- "Don't thrash me with it--but if you will, you may" ----If I do, said I, I'll be d----d.

When the ass had eaten his macaroon, I pressed him to come in. The poor beast was heavily loaded - his legs seemed to tremble - and as I pulled at his halter, it broke in my hand. He looked up pensive as if to say, 'Don't thrash me with it.'
'If I do,' said I, 'I'll be d__d.'


The word was but one-half of it pronounced, like the abbess of _Andoillets'_--(so there was no sin in it)--when a person coming in, let fall a thundering bastinado upon the poor devil's crupper, which put an end to the ceremony.

The word was but half pronounced, like the abbess of Andoillets's (so there was no sin in it) - when a person coming in, let fall a thundering blow upon the poor devil's crupper.


cried I----but the interjection was equivocal----and, I think, wrong placed too--for the end of an osier which had started out from the contexture of the ass's pannier, had caught hold of my breeches pocket, as he rush'd by me, and rent it in the most disastrous direction you can imagine----so that the

cried I - but the interjection was equivocal - for the end of an willow branch in the ass's pannier had caught hold of my breeches pocket as he rushed past me, and rent it in the most disastrous direction you can imagine - so that the


_Out upon it!_ in my opinion, should have come in here----but this I leave to be settled by

'Out upon it!' in my opinion, should have come here.
But this I leave to be settled by


which I have brought over along with me for that purpose.

which I have brought along with me for that purpose.


----But softly----for in these sportive plains, and under this genial sun, where at this instant all flesh is running out piping, fiddling, and dancing to the vintage, and every step that's taken, the judgment is surprised by the imagination, I defy, notwithstanding all that has been said upon _straight lines_[8.1] in sundry pages of my book --I defy the best cabbage planter that ever existed, whether he plants backwards or forwards, it makes little difference in the account (except that he will have more to answer for in the one case than in the other) --I defy him to go on coolly, critically, and canonically, planting his cabbages one by one, in straight lines, and stoical distances, especially if slits in petticoats are unsew'd up--without ever and anon straddling out, or sidling into some bastardly digression ----In _Freeze-land_, _Fog-land_, and some other lands I wot of--it may be done----

- But softly - on these sportive plains, and under this genial sun, where all flesh is running out piping, fiddling, and dancing, I defy - despite all that I have earlier said upon straight lines - I defy the best cabbage planter in existence to go on coolly and critically planting his cabbages in straight lines, without straddling out, or sidling into some bastardly digression.
- In Freeze-land, or Fog-land, it may be done-


But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every idea, sensible and insensible, gets vent--in this land, my dear _Eugenius_--in this fertile land of chivalry and romance, where I now sit, unskrewing my ink-horn to write my uncle _Toby's_ amours, and with all the meanders of JULIA'S track in quest of her DIEGO, in full view of my study window--if thou comest not and takest me by the hand----

But in this clear climate of fantasy and perspiration, where every idea gets vent - in this fertile land of chivalry and romance, where I now sit, unscrewing my ink-horn to write my uncle Toby's amours, with all the meanders of Julia's track in quest of her Diego in full view of my study window - if thou comest not and takest me by the hand-


I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle _Toby's_ ordnance behind the scenes, ----to remove his sentry-box, and clear the theatre, _if possible_, of horn-works and half moons, and get the rest of his military apparatus out of the way; ----that done, my dear friend _Garrick_, we'll snuff the candles bright, --sweep the stage with a new broom, --draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle _Toby_ dressed in a new character, throughout which the world can have no idea how he will act: and yet, if pity be a-kin to love, --and bravery no alien to it, you have seen enough of my uncle _Toby_ in these, to trace these family likenesses betwixt the two passions (in case there is one) to your heart's content.

I beg the reader will assist me here, to wheel off my uncle Toby's ordnance behind the scenes, - to remove his sentry-box, and clear his military apparatus out of the way; that done, my dear friend Garrick, we'll sweep the stage, draw up the curtain, and exhibit my uncle Toby dressed in a new character, in which the world can have no idea how he will act. And yet, if pity be akin to love, and bravery likewise, you have seen enough of my uncle Toby to trace these family likenesses betwixt the passions.


thou assistest us in no case of this kind--and thou puzzlest us in every one.


There was, Madam, in my uncle _Toby_, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on; you can--you can have no conception of it: with this, there was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the plies and foldings of the heart of woman; ----and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you (when a siege was out of his head), that you might have stood behind any one of your serpentine walks, and shot my uncle _Toby_ ten times in a day, through his liver, if nine times in a day, Madam, had not served your purpose.

There was, Madam, in my uncle Toby, a singleness of heart which misled him so far out of the little serpentine tracks in which things of this nature usually go on, you can have no conception of it. There was a plainness and simplicity of thinking, with such a trusting ignorance of the foldings of the heart of woman; - and so naked and defenceless did he stand before you (when a siege was out of his head), that you might have shot my uncle, Madam, ten times in a day.


With all this, Madam, --and what confounded everything as much on the other hand, my uncle _Toby_ had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, and which, by the bye, stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, that you might as soon ----But where am I going?

With all this, my uncle Toby had that unparalleled modesty of nature I once told you of, which stood eternal sentry upon his feelings, so that you might as well-
But where am I going?


these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up that time, which I ought to bestow upon facts.

these reflections crowd in upon me ten pages at least too soon, and take up time which I ought to give to facts.


----'Twas nothing, --I did not lose two drops of blood by it---- ----'twas not worth calling in a surgeon, had he lived next door to us----thousands suffer by choice, what I did by accident.

-'Twas nothing, - I did not lose two drops of blood - 'twas not worth calling in a surgeon. - Thousands suffer by choice, what I did by accident.


----Doctor _Slop_ made ten times more of it, than there was occasion: ----some men rise, by the art of hanging great weights upon small wires, --and I am this day (_August_ the 10th, 1761) paying part of the price of this man's reputation.

Doctor Slop made ten times more of it than he needed: and I am this day (August the 10th, 1761) paying the price of this man's reputation.


----O 'twould provoke a stone, to see how things are carried on in this world!

- O, 'twould provoke a stone, to see how things go on in this world!


----The chamber-maid had left no ******* *** under the bed: ----Cannot you contrive, master, quoth _Susannah_, lifting up the sash with one hand, as she spoke, and helping me up into the window-seat with the other, --cannot you manage, my dear, for a single time, to **** *** ** *** ******?

The chamber-maid had left no chamber pot under the bed:
'Cannot you contrive, master,' quoth Susannah, lifting up the sash window with one hand, as she spoke, and helping me up into the window-seat with the other, 'cannot you manage, my dear, just once, to **** *** ** *** ******?'


----_Susannah_ did not consider that nothing was well hung in our family, ----so slap came the sash down like lightning upon us; --Nothing is left, --cried _Susannah_, --nothing is left--for me, but to run my country.----

Susannah did not consider that nothing was well hung in our family, - so slap came the sash window down like lightning upon me.
- 'Nothing is left for me,' cried Susannah, 'but to flee the country.'


My uncle _Toby's_ house was a much kinder sanctuary; and so _Susannah_ fled to it.

My uncle Toby's house was a much kinder sanctuary; and so Susannah fled to it.


"What prodigious armies you had in _Flanders!_" ----Brother _Toby_, quoth my father, I do believe thee to be as honest a man, and with as good and as upright a heart as ever God created; --nor is it thy fault, if all the children which have been, may, can, shall, will, or ought to be begotten, come with their heads foremost into the world: ----but believe me, dear _Toby_, the accidents which unavoidably waylay them, not only in the article of our begetting 'em----though these, in my opinion, are well worth considering, ----but the dangers and difficulties our children are beset with, after they are got forth into the world, are enow--little need is there to expose them to unnecessary ones in their passage to it.

'What prodigious armies you had in Flanders! - Brother Toby,' quoth my father, 'I do believe thee to be an honest, upright man; nor is it thy fault, if children come with their heads foremost into the world: - but believe me, dear Toby, the dangers our children meet, after they enter the world, are enough - there is no need to expose them to unnecessary dangers in their passage to it.'


----Are these dangers, quoth my uncle _Toby_, laying his hand upon my father's knee, and looking up seriously in his face for an answer, ----are these dangers greater now o' days, brother, than in times past?

'Are these dangers greater nowadays,' asked my uncle seriously, - 'than in times past?'


Brother _Toby_, answered my father, if a child was but fairly begot, and born alive, and healthy, and the mother did well after it, --our forefathers never looked farther.

'Brother Toby,' answered my father, 'if a child was fairly begot, and born healthy, and the mother did well, our forefathers never looked further.'


----My uncle _Toby_ instantly withdrew his hand from off my father's knee, reclined his body gently back in his chair, raised his head till he could just see the cornice of the room, and then directing the buccinatory muscles along his cheeks, and the orbicular muscles around his lips to do their duty--he whistled _Lillabullero_.

My uncle Toby reclined gently back in his chair, and then directing the buccinatory muscles along his cheeks, and the orbicular muscles around his lips to do their duty - he whistled Lillabullero.


My dear mother, quoth the novice, coming a little to herself, ----there are two certain words, which I have been told will force any horse, or ass, or mule, to go up a hill whether he will or no; be he never so obstinate or ill-will'd, the moment he hears them utter'd, he obeys.

'My dear mother,' quoth the novice, recovering a little - 'there are two certain words, which I have been told will force any horse or mule to go up a hill whether he will or no; be he never so obstinate, the moment he hears them, he obeys.'


cried the abbess in the utmost horror --No; replied _Margarita_ calmly--but they are words sinful --What are they? quoth the abbess, interrupting her: They are sinful in the first degree, answered _Margarita_, --they are mortal--and if we are ravish'd and die unabsolved of them, we shall both----but you may pronounce them to me, quoth the abbess of _Andoillets_ ----They cannot, my dear mother, said the novice, be pronounced at all; they will make all the blood in one's body fly up into one's face --But you may whisper them in my ear, quoth the abbess.

cried the abbess in horror.
'No,' replied Margarita calmly, 'but they are sinful in the first degree - a mortal sin - and if we are ravished and die unabsolved, we shall-'
'But you may tell them to me,' interrupted the abbess.
'They cannot, my dear mother, be spoken at all; they will make one's blood fly up into one's face.'
'But you may whisper them in my ear,' quoth the abbess.


hadst thou no guardian angel to delegate to the inn at the bottom of the hill?

hadst thou no guardian angel to send to the inn at the bottom of the hill?


was there no generous and friendly spirit unemployed----no agent in nature, by some monitory shivering, creeping along the artery which led to his heart, to rouse the muleteer from his banquet?

was there no friendly spirit who could rouse the muleteer from his banquet?


----no sweet minstrelsy to bring back the fair idea of the abbess and _Margarita_, with their black rosaries!


----but 'tis too late--the horrid words are pronounced this moment----

- but 'tis too late - the horrid words are spoken-


----and how to tell them --Ye, who can speak of everything existing, with unpolluted lips, instruct me----guide me----

- and how to tell them with unpolluted lips - Lord, guide me-


If my wife will but venture him--brother _Toby_, _Trismegistus_ shall be dress'd and brought down to us, whilst you and I are getting our breakfasts together.------

'If my wife will allow it, brother Toby, Trismegistus shall be dressed and brought down to us, whilst we are getting our breakfasts.


----Go, tell _Susannah_, _Obadiah_, to step here.


She is run upstairs, answered _Obadiah_, this very instant, sobbing and crying, and wringing her hands as if her heart would break.

'She is run upstairs,' answered Obadiah, 'sobbing and crying as if her heart would break.'


We shall have a rare month of it, said my father, turning his head from _Obadiah_, and looking wistfully in my uncle _Toby's_ face for some time--we shall have a devilish month of it, brother _Toby_, said my father, setting his arms a-kimbo, and shaking his head; fire, water, women, wind--brother _Toby!_--'Tis some misfortune, quoth my uncle _Toby_.

'We shall have a rare month of it,' said my father wistfully, shaking his head: 'We shall have a devilish month, brother Toby; fire, water, women, wind!'
''Tis some misfortune,' quoth my uncle Toby.


----That it is, cried my father--to have so many jarring elements breaking loose, and riding triumph in every corner of a gentleman's house --Little boots it to the peace of a family, brother _Toby_, that you and I possess ourselves, and sit here silent and unmoved----whilst such a storm is whistling over our heads.------

'That it is,' cried my father, 'to have so many jarring elements breaking loose in every corner of a gentleman's house. Whilst you and I, brother Toby, possess ourselves, and sit here silent and unmoved, a storm is whistling over our heads.


And what's the matter, _Susannah?_ They have called the child _Tristram_----and my mistress is just got out of an hysterick fit about it ----No----'tis not my fault, said _Susannah_ --I told him it was _Tristram-gistus_.

- And what's the matter, Susannah?'
'They have called the child Tristram - and my mistress is just got out of an hysteric fit about it - 'tis not my fault,' said Susannah. 'I told him it was Tristram-gistus.'


----Make tea for yourself, brother _Toby_, said my father, taking down his hat----but how different from the sallies and agitations of voice and members which a common reader would imagine!

'Make tea for yourself, brother Toby,' said my father - but in a manner how different from agitation than a common reader would imagine!


--For he spake in the sweetest modulation--and took down his hat with the genteelest movement of limbs, that ever affliction harmonized and attuned together.

For he spake sweetly, and took down his hat with the genteelest movement.


----Go to the bowling-green for corporal _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, speaking to _Obadiah_, as soon as my father left the room.

'Go to the bowling-green for corporal Trim,' said my uncle Toby to Obadiah, as soon as my father left the room.


--And pray, said my uncle _Toby_, leaning upon _Yorick_, as he and my father were helping him leisurely down the stairs----don't be terrified, madam, this stair-case conversation is not so long as the last ----And pray, _Yorick_, said my uncle _Toby_, which way is this said affair of _Tristram_ at length settled by these learned men?

'And pray,' said my uncle Toby, leaning upon Yorick, as he and my father were helping him down the stairs - don't be terrified, madam, this staircase conversation is not so long as the last - 'And pray, Yorick,' said my uncle, 'which way is this affair of Tristram at length settled by these learned men?'


Very satisfactorily, replied _Yorick_; no mortal, Sir, has any concern with it----for Mrs. _Shandy_ the mother is nothing at all a-kin to him----and as the mother's is the surest side ----Mr. _Shandy_, in course, is still less than nothing ------In short, he is not as much a-kin to him, Sir, as I am.----

'Very satisfactorily,' replied Yorick; 'no mortal, Sir, has any concern with it - for Mrs. Shandy the mother is nothing at all a-kin to him - and as the mother's is the surest side, Mr. Shandy is even less than nothing.'


----That may well be, said my father, shaking his head.

'That may well be,' said my father, shaking his head.


----Let the learned say what they will, there must certainly, quoth my uncle _Toby_, have been some sort of consanguinity betwixt the duchess of _Suffolk_ and her son.

'Let the learned say what they will, there must certainly,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'have been some shared blood betwixt the duchess of Suffolk and her son.'


The vulgar are of the same opinion, quoth _Yorick_, to this hour.

'The vulgar are of the same opinion,' quoth Yorick, 'to this hour.'


We shall bring all things to rights, said my father, setting his foot upon the first step from the landing.

'We shall bring all things to rights,' said my father, setting his foot upon the first step from the landing.


--This _Trismegistus_, continued my father, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle _Toby_----was the greatest (_Toby_) of all earthly beings--he was the greatest king----the greatest law-giver----the greatest philosopher----and the greatest priest----and engineer--said my uncle _Toby_.

'This Trismegistus,' he continued, drawing his leg back and turning to my uncle Toby, 'was the greatest king - the greatest law-giver - philosopher - and the greatest priest-'
'- and engineer.' said my uncle Toby.


We should begin, said my father, turning himself half round in bed, and shifting his pillow a little towards my mother's, as he opened the debate ----We should begin to think, Mrs. _Shandy_, of putting this boy into breeches.----

'We should begin,' said my father, turning round in bed, and shifting his pillow towards my mother's, 'We should begin to think, Mrs. Shandy, of putting this boy into breeches.'


----We defer it, my dear, quoth my father, shamefully.------


I think we do, Mr. _Shandy_, --said my mother.

'I think we do, Mr. Shandy,' said my mother.


----Not but the child looks extremely well, said my father, in his vests and tunicks.------

'Although the child looks extremely good in his tunics,' said my father.


------He does look very well in them, --replied my mother.------

'He does look very good in them,' replied my mother.


----And for that reason it would be almost a sin, added my father, to take him out of 'em.----

'So that it would be almost a sin,' added my father, 'to take him out of 'em.'


----It would so, --said my mother: ----But indeed he is growing a very tall lad, --rejoined my father.

'It would,' said my mother.
'But indeed he is growing very tall,' rejoined my father.


----He is very tall for his age, indeed, --said my mother.----

'He is very tall for his age, indeed,' said my mother.


----I can not (making two syllables of it) imagine, quoth my father, who the deuce he takes after.----

'I can not imagine,' quoth my father, 'who the deuce he takes after.'


I cannot conceive, for my life, --said my mother.----

'I cannot conceive, for my life,' said my mother.


----I am very short myself, --continued my father gravely.

'I am very short myself,' continued my father gravely.


You are very short, Mr. _Shandy_, --said my mother.

'You are very short, Mr. Shandy,' said my mother.


quoth my father to himself, a second time: in muttering which, he plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's--and turning about again, there was an end of the debate for three minutes and a half.

quoth my father to himself again: and plucked his pillow a little further from my mother's. There was a pause for three minutes and a half.


----When he gets these breeches made, cried my father in a higher tone, he'll look like a beast in 'em.

'When he gets these breeches,' cried my father in a higher tone, 'he'll look like a beast in 'em.'


He will be very awkward in them at first, replied my mother.----

'He will be very awkward in them at first,' replied my mother.


----And 'twill be lucky, if that's the worst on't, added my father.

'And 'twill be lucky if that's the worst of it,' added my father.


It will be very lucky, answered my mother.

'It will be very lucky,' answered my mother.


I suppose, replied my father, --making some pause first, --he'll be exactly like other people's children.----

'I suppose,' replied my father, 'he'll be exactly like other people's children.'


----Though I shall be sorry for that, added my father: and so the debate stopp'd again.

'Though I shall be sorry for that,' added my father: and the debate stopped again.


----They should be of leather, said my father, turning him about again.--

'They should be of leather,' said my father, turning around.


They will last him, said my mother, the longest.

'They will last him longer,' said my mother.


But he can have no linings to 'em, replied my father.------

'But he can have no linings to 'em,' replied my father.


'Twere better to have them of fustian, quoth my father.

''Twere better to have them of fustian,' quoth my father.


Nothing can be better, quoth my mother.------

'Nothing can be better,' quoth my mother.


--Except dimity, --replied my father: ----'Tis best of all, --replied my mother.

'Except dimity,' replied my father.
''Tis best of all,' replied my mother.


----One must not give him his death, however, --interrupted my father.

'One must not give him his death, however,' said my father.


By no means, said my mother: ----and so the dialogue stood still again.

'By no means,' said my mother: and the dialogue stood still again.


I am resolved, however, quoth my father, breaking silence the fourth time, he shall have no pockets in them.--

'I am resolved, however,' quoth my father, breaking silence, 'he shall have no pockets in them.'


----There is no occasion for any, said my mother.------

'There is no need for any,' said my mother.


I mean in his coat and waistcoat, --cried my father.

'I mean in his coat and waistcoat,' cried my father.


----Though if he gets a gig or top ----Poor souls! it is a crown and a sceptre to them, --they should have where to secure it.------

'Though if he gets a toy or top - they are like a crown and a sceptre to children - they should have somewhere to keep it.'


Order it as you please, Mr. _Shandy_, replied my mother.------

'Order it as you please, Mr. Shandy,' replied my mother.


added my father, pressing the point home to her.


Perfectly, said my mother, if it pleases you, Mr. _Shandy_.------

'Perfectly,' said my mother, 'if it pleases you, Mr. Shandy.'


cried my father, losing temper ----Pleases me!

cried my father, losing his temper. 'Pleases me!


----You never will distinguish, Mrs. _Shandy_, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.

You never will distinguish, Mrs. Shandy, nor shall I ever teach you to do it, betwixt a point of pleasure and a point of convenience.'


----This was on the _Sunday_ night: ----and further this chapter sayeth not.

This was on the Sunday night: and further this chapter sayeth not.


If it had not been for those two mettlesome tits, and that madcap of a postillion who drove them from Stilton to Stamford, the thought had never entered my head.

If it had not been for those two mettlesome horses, and that madcap of a postillion who drove them from Stilton to Stamford, the thought would have never entered my head.


He flew like lightning----there was a slope of three miles and a half----we scarce touched the ground----the motion was most rapid----most impetuous------'twas communicated to my brain--my heart partook of it---- "By the great God of day," said I, looking towards the sun, and thrusting my arm out of the fore-window of the chaise, as I made my vow, "I will lock up my study-door the moment I get home, and throw the key of it ninety feet below the surface of the earth, into the draw-well at the back of my house."

He flew like lightning - we scarce touched the ground - the impetuous motion was communicated to my brain - and my heart.
'By the great God of day,' said I, looking towards the sun, and thrusting my arm out of the carriage window, 'I will lock up my study-door the moment I get home, and throw its key down the well.'


The London waggon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering upon the hill, scarce progressive, drag'd--drag'd up by eight _heavy beasts_-- "by main strength!

The London waggon confirmed me in my resolution; it hung tottering upon the hill, scarce progressing, dragged up by eight heavy beasts - 'by main strength!'


----quoth I, nodding----but your betters draw the same way----and something of everybody's!

quoth I, nodding - 'but your betters drag the same way!'


Tell me, ye learned, shall we for ever be adding so much to the _bulk_--so little to the _stock?_

Tell me, shall we for ever be adding so much to the bulk - and so little to the stock of learning?


Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries make new mixtures, by pouring only out of one vessel into another?

Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries make new mixtures, by pouring out of one vessel into another?


Are we for ever to be twisting, and untwisting the same rope?


for ever in the same track--for ever at the same pace?


Shall we be destined to the days of eternity, on holy-days, as well as working-days, to be shewing the _relicks of learning_, as monks do the relicks of their saints--without working one--one single miracle with them?

Shall we be eternally showing the relics of learning, as monks do the relics of their saints - without working one single miracle with them?


Who made Man, with powers which dart him from earth to heaven in a moment--that great, that most excellent, and most noble creature of the world--the _miracle_ of nature, as Zoroaster in his book called him--the SHEKINAH of the divine presence, as Chrysostom----the _image_ of God, as Moses----the _ray_ of divinity, as Plato--the _marvel_ of _marvels_, as Aristotle--to go sneaking on at this pitiful--pimping--pettifogging rate?

Who made Man - that most excellent and noble creature of the world - the miracle of nature, as Zoroaster called him - the image of God, as said Moses - the ray of divinity, as said Plato - the marvel of marvels, as said Aristotle - to go sneaking on at this pitiful, pettifogging rate?


I scorn to be as abusive as Horace upon the occasion------but if there is no catachresis in the wish, and no sin in it, I wish from my soul, that every imitator in _Great Britain_, _France_, and _Ireland_, had the farcy for his pains; and that there was a good farcical house, large enough to hold--aye--and sublimate them, _shag rag and bob-tail_, male and female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of _Whiskers_----but, by what chain of ideas --I leave as a legacy in _mort-main_ to Prudes and Tartufs, to enjoy and make the most of.

I wish that every imitator caught the farcy, or glanders, for his pains; and that there was a good farcical house, large enough to hold 'em, shag rag and bob-tail, male and female, all together: and this leads me to the affair of Whiskers.


I'm sorry I made it----'twas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered a man's head ----A chapter upon whiskers!

I'm sorry I made it - 'twas as inconsiderate a promise as ever entered a man's head.
A chapter upon whiskers!


the world will not bear it--'tis a delicate world----but I knew not of what mettle it was made--nor had I ever seen the underwritten fragment; otherwise, as surely as noses are noses, and whiskers are whiskers still (let the world say what it will to the contrary); so surely would I have steered clear of this dangerous chapter.

the world will not bear it - 'tis a delicate world - and if I had seen the fragment below, as surely as noses are noses, and whiskers are whiskers, I would have steered clear of this dangerous chapter.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ------You are half asleep, my good lady, said the old gentleman, taking hold of the old lady's hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze, as he pronounced the word _Whiskers_----shall we change the subject?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * - 'You are half asleep, my good lady,' said the old gentleman. Taking the old lady's hand, and giving it a gentle squeeze, he pronounced the word, 'Whiskers. - shall we change the subject?'


By no means, replied the old lady --I like your account of those matters; so throwing a thin gauze handkerchief over her head, and leaning it back upon the chair with her face turned towards him, and advancing her two feet as she reclined herself ----I desire, continued she, you will go on.

'By no means,' replied the old lady. 'I like your account of those matters.' Throwing a gauze handkerchief over her head, and leaning back in the chair, she continued, 'Please go on.'


The old gentleman went on as follows: ------Whiskers!

The old gentleman went on as follows:
'Whiskers!'


cried the queen of _Navarre_, dropping her knotting ball, as _La Fosseuse_ uttered the word ----Whiskers, madam, said _La Fosseuse_, pinning the ball to the queen's apron, and making a courtesy as she repeated it.

cried the queen of Navarre, dropping her knotting ball, as La Fosseuse uttered the word.
'Whiskers, madam,' said La Fosseuse, making a curtsey.


_La Fosseuse's_ voice was naturally soft and low, yet 'twas an articulate voice: and every letter of the word _Whiskers_ fell distinctly upon the queen of _Navarre's_ ear --Whiskers!

The maid of honour's voice was soft and low, yet every letter of the word Whiskers fell distinctly upon the queen's ear.
'Whiskers!'


cried the queen, laying a greater stress upon the word, and as if she had still distrusted her ears ----Whiskers!


replied _La Fosseuse_, repeating the word a third time ----There is not a cavalier, madam, of his age in _Navarre_, continued the maid of honour, pressing the page's interest upon the queen, that has so gallant a pair ----Of what?

replied La Fosseuse. 'There is not a cavalier, madam, in Navarre, that has so gallant a pair-'
'Of what?'


cried _Margaret_, smiling --Of whiskers, said _La Fosseuse_, with infinite modesty.

cried the queen, smiling.
'Of whiskers,' said La Fosseuse, with infinite modesty.


The word _Whiskers_ still stood its ground, and continued to be made use of in most of the best companies throughout the little kingdom of _Navarre_, notwithstanding the indiscreet use which _La Fosseuse_ had made of it: the truth was, _La Fosseuse_ had pronounced the word, not only before the queen, but upon sundry other occasions at court, with an accent which always implied something of a mystery --And as the court of _Margaret_, as all the world knows, was at that time a mixture of gallantry and devotion----and whiskers being as applicable to the one, as the other, the word naturally stood its ground----it gain'd full as much as it lost; that is, the clergy were for it----the laity were against it----and for the women, ----_they_ were divided.

The word Whiskers was used in the best company throughout the little kingdom of Navarre, notwithstanding La Fosseuse's indiscreet use of it: the truth was, she had said the word, not only before the queen, but on other occasions at court, with an accent which always implied a mystery.
And as the court of Margaret was a mixture of gallantry and devotion, the word stood its ground. The clergy were for it - the laity were against it - and as for the women, they were divided.


The excellency of the figure and mien of the young Sieur _De Croix_, was at that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour towards the terrace before the palace gate, where the guard was mounted.

The excellent figure and bearing of the young Seignior De Croix was at that time beginning to draw the attention of the maids of honour.


The lady _De Baussiere_ fell deeply in love with him, ----_La Battarelle_ did the same--it was the finest weather for it, that ever was remembered in _Navarre_----_La Guyol_, _La Maronette_, _La Sabatiere_, fell in love with the Sieur _De Croix_ also----_La Rebours_ and _La Fosseuse_ knew better----_De Croix_ had failed in an attempt to recommend himself to _La Rebours_; and _La Rebours_ and _La Fosseuse_ were inseparable.

The lady De Baussiere fell deeply in love with him; La Battarelle did the same. La Guyol, La Maronette and La Sabatiere fell in love with him also - La Rebours and La Fosseuse knew better.


The queen of _Navarre_ was sitting with her ladies in the painted bow-window, facing the gate of the second court, as _De Croix_ passed through it --He is handsome, said the Lady _Baussiere_.

The queen of Navarre was sitting with her ladies in the bow-window, facing the gate, as De Croix passed through it.
'He is handsome,' said the Lady Baussiere.


----He has a good mien, said _La Battarelle_ ----He is finely shaped, said _La Guyol_ --I never saw an officer of the horse-guards in my life, said _La Maronette_, with two such legs ----Or who stood so well upon them, said _La Sabatiere_ ------But he has no whiskers, cried _La Fosseuse_ ----Not a pile, said _La Rebours_.

'He is finely shaped,' said La Guyol.' 'I never saw an officer with two such legs,' said La Maronette.
-'But he has no whiskers,' cried La Fosseuse.


The queen went directly to her oratory, musing all the way, as she walked through the gallery, upon the subject; turning it this way and that way in her fancy--_Ave Maria!_------what can _La Fosseuse_ mean?

The queen went to her oratory, musing upon the subject; 'Ave Maria! - what can La Fosseuse mean?'


said she, kneeling down upon the cushion.


_La Guyol_, _La Battarelle_, _La Maronette_, _La Sabatiere_, retired instantly to their chambers ------Whiskers!

La Guyol, La Battarelle, La Maronette and La Sabatiere retired instantly to their chambers. 'Whiskers!'


said all four of them to themselves, as they bolted their doors on the inside.


The Lady _Carnavallette_ was counting her beads with both hands, unsuspected, under her farthingal----from St. _Antony_ down to St. _Ursula_ inclusive, not a saint passed through her fingers without whiskers; St. _Francis_, St. _Dominick_, St. _Bennet_, St. _Basil_, St. _Bridget_, had all whiskers.

The Lady Carnavallette was telling her rosary: from St. Antony down to St. Ursula, not a saint passed through her fingers without whiskers.


The Lady _Baussiere_ had got into a wilderness of conceits, with moralizing too intricately upon _La Fosseuse's_ text ----She mounted her palfrey, her page followed her----the host passed by--the Lady _Baussiere_ rode on.

The Lady Baussiere had got into a wilderness of speculations upon La Fosseuse's words. She mounted her palfrey, her page following, and rode on.


One denier, cried the order of mercy--one single denier, in behalf of a thousand patient captives, whose eyes look towards heaven and you for their redemption.

'One penny,' cried a suppliant of the Order of Mercy, 'one single penny, on behalf of a thousand patient captives.'


Pity the unhappy, said a devout, venerable, hoary-headed man, meekly holding up a box, begirt with iron, in his withered hands ----I beg for the unfortunate--good my Lady, 'tis for a prison--for an hospital--'tis for an old man--a poor man undone by shipwreck, by suretyship, by fire ----I call God and all his angels to witness----'tis to clothe the naked----to feed the hungry----'tis to comfort the sick and the broken-hearted.

'Pity the unfortunate,' said a devout old man meekly holding up a box in his withered hands. ''tis for a prison - for an hospital - 'tis for an old man - a poor man undone by shipwreck, by fire - 'tis to feed the hungry - to comfort the sick.'


A decayed kinsman bowed himself to the ground.


He ran begging bare-headed on one side of her palfrey, conjuring her by the former bonds of friendship, alliance, consanguinity, etc. ----Cousin, aunt, sister, mother, ----for virtue's sake, for your own, for mine, for Christ's sake, remember me----pity me.

He ran alongside her palfrey, begging: 'Cousin, aunt, sister, mother, for Christ's sake, remember me - pity me.'


Take hold of my whiskers, said the Lady _Baussiere_ ----The page took hold of her palfrey. She dismounted at the end of the terrace.

'Take hold of my whiskers,' said the Lady Baussiere. The page took hold of her palfrey, and she dismounted.


There are some trains of certain ideas which leave prints of themselves about our eyes and eye-brows; and there is a consciousness of it, somewhere about the heart, which serves but to make these etchings the stronger--we see, spell, and put them together without a dictionary.

There are certain ideas which leave prints of themselves about our eyes; and a consciousness somewhere about the heart makes these etchings all the stronger - we spell them out without a dictionary.


cried _La Guyol_ and _La Sabatiere_, looking close at each other's prints ----Ho, ho!

cried La Guyol and La Sabatiere, looking at each other's eyes.
'Ho, ho!'


cried _La Battarelle_ and _Maronette_, doing the same: --Whist!

cried La Battarelle and Maronette, doing the same.


cried one--st, st, --said a second--hush, quoth a third--poo, poo, replied a fourth--gramercy!


cried the Lady _Carnavallette_; ----'twas she who bewhisker'd St. _Bridget_.


_La Fosseuse_ drew her bodkin from the knot of her hair, and having traced the outline of a small whisker, with the blunt end of it, upon one side of her upper lip, put it into _La Rebours'_ hand--_La Rebours_ shook her head.

La Fosseuse drew her hairpin from her hair, and traced the outline of a small whisker with the blunt end of it upon her upper lip.


The Lady _Baussiere_ coughed thrice into the inside of her muff--_La Guyol_ smiled --Fy, said the Lady _Baussiere_.

The Lady Baussiere coughed thrice. - La Guyol smiled.
'Fie,' said the Lady Baussiere.


The queen of _Navarre_ touched her eye with the tip of her fore-finger--as much as to say, I understand you all.

The queen of Navarre touched her eye with the tip of her finger - as if to say, I understand you all.


'Twas plain to the whole court the word was ruined: _La Fosseuse_ had given it a wound, and it was not the better for passing through all these defiles ----It made a faint stand, however, for a few months, by the expiration of which, the Sieur _De Croix_, finding it high time to leave _Navarre_ for want of whiskers----the word in course became indecent, and (after a few efforts) absolutely unfit for use.

'Twas plain to the whole court that the word was ruined. It made a faint stand, however, for a few months, by the end of which, the Seignior De Croix found it high time to leave Navarre for want of whiskers; and the word became indecent, and absolutely unfit for use.


The best word, in the best language of the best world, must have suffered under such combinations.

The best word in the world must have suffered under such conditions.


------The curate of _d'Estella_ wrote a book against them, setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas, and warning the _Navarois_ against them.

The curate of d'Estella wrote a book on this, setting forth the dangers of accessory ideas.


Does not all the world know, said the curate _d'Estella_ at the conclusion of his work, that Noses ran the same fate some centuries ago in most parts of _Europe_, which Whiskers have now done in the kingdom of _Navarre?_ --The evil indeed spread no farther then--but have not beds and bolsters, and nightcaps and chamber-pots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since?

'Does not all the world know,' said the curate, 'that Noses suffered the same fate centuries ago, which Whiskers have now done? Have not beds, bolsters, nightcaps and chamber-pots stood upon the brink of destruction ever since?


Are not trouse, and placket-holes, and pump-handles--and spigots and faucets, in danger still from the same association?

Are not trousers and placket-holes and pump-handles in danger still from the same association?


----Chastity, by nature, the gentlest of all affections--give it but its head----'tis like a ramping and a roaring lion.

Chastity is the gentlest of all affections - but if you give it its head, 'tis like a ramping lion.'


The drift of the curate _d'Estella's_ argument was not understood.

The drift of the curate's argument was not understood.


--They ran the scent the wrong way. --The world bridled his ass at the tail.

The world went the wrong way, and bridled his ass at the tail.


--And when the _extremes_ of DELICACY, and the _beginnings_ of CONCUPISCENCE, hold their next provincial chapter together, they may decree that bawdy also.

And when Delicacy and Lust next meet together, they may decree that bawdy also.


When I reflect, brother _Toby_, upon MAN; and take a view of that dark side of him which represents his life as open to so many causes of trouble--when I consider, brother _Toby_, how oft we eat the bread of affliction, and that we are born to it, as to the portion of our inheritance ------I was born to nothing, quoth my uncle _Toby_, interrupting my father--but my commission.

'When I reflect, brother Toby, upon Man, and the many troubles he is open to - when I consider how oft we eat the bread of affliction, and that we are born to it, as to our inheritance-'
'I was born to nothing,' quoth my uncle, interrupting, 'but my commission.'


said my father, did not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year?

said my father; 'did not my uncle leave you a hundred and twenty pounds a year?'


------What could I have done without it?


replied my uncle _Toby_ ------That's another concern, said my father testily --But I say, _Toby_, when one runs over the catalogue of all the cross-reckonings and sorrowful _Items_ with which the heart of man is overcharged, 'tis wonderful by what hidden resources the mind is enabled to stand out, and bear itself up, as it does, against the impositions laid upon our nature.

replied my uncle Toby.
'That's another matter,' said my father testily. 'But I say, Toby, when one runs over the catalogue of all the sorrows with which the heart of man is overcharged, 'tis wonderful how the mind can bear itself up, as it does.'


------'Tis by the assistance of Almighty God, cried my uncle _Toby_, looking up, and pressing the palms of his hands close together----'tis not from our own strength, brother _Shandy_----a centinel in a wooden centry-box might as well pretend to stand it out against a detachment of fifty men.

''Tis by the assistance of Almighty God,' cried my uncle Toby. ''Tis not from our own strength, brother Shandy - a sentinel might as well pretend to stand against fifty men.


----We are upheld by the grace and the assistance of the best of Beings.

We are upheld by the grace of the best of Beings.'


----That is cutting the knot, said my father, instead of untying it.

'That is cutting the knot,' said my father, 'instead of untying it.


----But give me leave to lead you, brother _Toby_, a little deeper into the mystery.

But allow me to lead you, brother, a little deeper into the mystery.'


With all my heart, replied my uncle _Toby_.


My father instantly exchanged the attitude he was in, for that in which _Socrates_ is so finely painted by _Raffael_ in his school of _Athens_; which your connoisseurship knows is so exquisitely imagined, that even the particular manner of the reasoning of _Socrates_ is expressed by it--for he holds the forefinger of his left hand between the forefinger and the thumb of his right, and seems as if he was saying to the libertine he is reclaiming------ "_You grant me_ this----and this: and this, and this, I don't ask of you--they follow of themselves in course."

My father instantly took up the attitude in which Socrates is so finely painted by Raphael; which your connoisseurship knows is so exquisitely imagined, that even the particular manner of the reasoning of Socrates is expressed by it - for he holds the forefinger of his left hand between the forefinger and the thumb of his right.


So stood my father, holding fast his forefinger betwixt his finger and his thumb, and reasoning with my uncle _Toby_ as he sat in his old fringed chair, valanced around with party-coloured worsted bobs ----O _Garrick!_--what a rich scene of this would thy exquisite powers make!

So stood my father, holding his forefinger betwixt his finger and his thumb, and reasoning with my uncle Toby in his old fringed chair with woollen bobs - O Garrick! what a rich scene wouldst thou make of this!


and how gladly would I write such another to avail myself of thy immortality, and secure my own behind it.

and how gladly would I write such another to secure my immortality.


As _Tom's_ place, an' please your honour, was easy--and the weather warm--it put him upon thinking seriously of settling himself in the world; and as it fell out about that time, that a _Jew_ who kept a sausage shop in the same street, had the ill luck to die of a strangury, and leave his widow in possession of a rousing trade----_Tom_ thought (as everybody in _Lisbon_ was doing the best he could devise for himself) there could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it on: so without any introduction to the widow, except that of buying a pound of sausages at her shop--_Tom_ set out--counting the matter thus within himself, as he walk'd along; that let the worst come of it that could, he should at least get a pound of sausages for their worth--but, if things went well, he should be set up; inasmuch as he should get not only a pound of sausages--but a wife and--a sausage shop, an' please your honour, into the bargain.

'When Tom began, your honour, to think of settling himself in the world, it happened about that time, that a Jew who kept a sausage shop in the same street, had the ill luck to die, and leave his widow in possession of a roaring trade. - Tom thought there could be no harm in offering her his service to carry it on.
'So without any introduction to the widow, except that of buying a pound of sausages at her shop, Tom set out - reckoning that at the worst, he should at least get a pound of sausages; but, if things went well, he should be set up - getting not only a pound of sausages, but a wife and a sausage shop into the bargain.


Every servant in the family, from high to low, wish'd _Tom_ success; and I can fancy, an' please your honour, I see him this moment with his white dimity waistcoat and breeches, and hat a little o' one side, passing jollily along the street, swinging his stick, with a smile and a chearful word for everybody he met: ----But alas!

'I fancy, your honour, I see him this moment with his white dimity waistcoat and breeches, and hat o' one side, passing jollily along the street, swinging his stick, with a smile and a cheerful word for everybody he met. - But alas!


_Tom!_ thou smilest no more, cried the corporal, looking on one side of him upon the ground, as if he apostrophised him in his dungeon.

Tom! thou smilest no more,' cried the corporal.


He was an honest, light-hearted lad, an' please your honour, as ever blood warm'd----

'He was an honest, light-hearted lad, your honour-'


----Then he resembled thee, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, rapidly.

'Then he resembled thee, Trim,' said my uncle Toby.


The corporal blush'd down to his fingers ends--a tear of sentimental bashfulness--another of gratitude to my uncle _Toby_--and a tear of sorrow for his brother's misfortunes, started into his eye, and ran sweetly down his cheek together; my uncle _Toby's_ kindled as one lamp does at another; and taking hold of the breast of _Trim's_ coat (which had been that of _Le Fever's_) as if to ease his lame leg, but in reality to gratify a finer feeling----he stood silent for a minute and a half; at the end of which he took his hand away, and the corporal making a bow, went on with his story of his brother and the _Jew's_ widow.

The corporal blushed down to his fingers' ends - a tear of gratitude and sorrow started into his eye, and ran sweetly down his cheek; my uncle Toby's tears kindled as one lamp does at another; and taking hold of Trim's coat, as if to ease his lame leg, he stood silent for a minute. Then he took his hand away, and the corporal, making a bow, went on with the story of his brother and the Jew's widow.


----I wonder what's all that noise, and running backwards and forwards for, above stairs, quoth my father, addressing himself, after an hour and a half's silence, to my uncle _Toby_, ----who, you must know, was sitting on the opposite side of the fire, smoking his social pipe all the time, in mute contemplation of a new pair of black plush-breeches which he had got on: --What can they be doing, brother?

'I wonder what's all that noise, and running backwards and forwards for, upstairs,' said my father, after an hour and a half's silence, to my uncle Toby, who was sitting on the opposite side of the fire, smoking his pipe in mute contemplation of his new pair of black plush breeches.
'What can they be doing, brother?'


--quoth my father, --we can scarce hear ourselves talk.

said my father. 'We can scarce hear ourselves talk.'


I think, replied my uncle _Toby_, taking his pipe from his mouth, and striking the head of it two or three times upon the nail of his left thumb, as he began his sentence, ----I think, says he: ----But to enter rightly into my uncle _Toby's_ sentiments upon this matter, you must be made to enter first a little into his character, the outlines of which I shall just give you, and then the dialogue between him and my father will go on as well again.

'I think,' replied my uncle Toby, taking his pipe from his mouth, 'I think,' says he:
- But to enter into my uncle Toby's sentiments upon this matter, you must enter first a little into his character, the outlines of which I shall just give you, and then the dialogue between him and my father will go on again.


Pray what was that man's name, --for I write in such a hurry, I have no time to recollect or look for it, ----who first made the observation, "That there was great inconstancy in our air and climate?"

Pray who was that man - for I write in such a hurry, I have no time to look it up - who first observed 'That there was great inconstancy in our air and climate?'


Whoever he was, 'twas a just and good observation in him.

Whoever he was, 'twas a good observation.


--But the corollary drawn from it, namely, "That it is this which has furnished us with such a variety of odd and whimsical characters;" --that was not his; --it was found out by another man, at least a century and a half after him: Then again, --that this copious store-house of original materials, is the true and natural cause that our Comedies are so much better than those of _France_, or any others that either have, or can be wrote upon the Continent: ----that discovery was not fully made till about the middle of King _William's_ reign, --when the great _Dryden_, in writing one of his long prefaces, (if I mistake not) most fortunately hit upon it.

Someone I forget, a century later observed, 'It is this which has given us such a variety of odd and whimsical characters.' This copious store-house of original materials is the cause why our Comedies are so much better than those of France: that discovery was not made till about the middle of King William's reign, when the great Dryden, in writing one of his long prefaces, (if I mistake not) most fortunately hit upon it.


Indeed toward the latter end of Queen _Anne_, the great _Addison_ began to patronize the notion, and more fully explained it to the world in one or two of his Spectators; --but the discovery was not his.

Then, toward the latter end of Queen Anne, the great Addison took up the notion, and fully explained it to the world in the Spectator.


--Then, fourthly and lastly, that this strange irregularity in our climate, producing so strange an irregularity in our characters, ----doth thereby, in some sort, make us amends, by giving us somewhat to make us merry with when the weather will not suffer us to go out of doors, --that observation is my own; --and was struck out by me this very rainy day, _March_ 26, 1759, and betwixt the hours of nine and ten in the morning.

This strange irregularity in our climate, producing so strange an irregularity in our characters, gives us something to make merry with when the weather will not allow us to go out of doors. - That observation is my own; and was created by me this very rainy day, March 26, 1759, between nine and ten in the morning.


Thus--thus, my fellow-labourers and associates in this great harvest of our learning, now ripening before our eyes; thus it is, by slow steps of casual increase, that our knowledge physical, metaphysical, physiological, polemical, nautical, mathematical, nigmatical, technical, biographical, romantical, chemical, and obstetrical, with fifty other branches of it, (most of 'em ending as these do, in _ical_) have for these two last centuries and more, gradually been creeping upwards towards that of their perfections, from which, if we may form a conjecture from the advances of these last seven years, we cannot possibly be far off.

Thus, my fellow-labourers in this great harvest of our learning, now ripening before our eyes; thus it is, by slow steps, that our knowledge physical, metaphysical, physiological, polemical, nautical, mathematical, technical, biographical, romantical, chemical, and obstetrical, with fifty other branches (most ending in -ical) have for these two last centuries been creeping up towards that Acme of perfection, from which we cannot be far off.


When that happens, it is to be hoped, it will put an end to all kind of writings whatsoever; --the want of all kind of writing will put an end to all kind of reading; --and that in time, _As war begets poverty; poverty peace_, ----must, in course, put an end to all kind of knowledge, --and then----we shall have all to begin over again; or, in other words, be exactly where we started.

When that perfection is reached, it will put an end to all writing; the lack of writing will put an end to all reading; - and in time, as war begets poverty; poverty peace, - that must, in due course, put an end to all knowledge - and we shall have to begin again, exactly where we started.


I only wish that the ra of my begetting, as well as the mode and manner of it, had been a little alter'd, ----or that it could have been put off, with any convenience to my father or mother, for some twenty or five-and-twenty years longer, when a man in the literary world might have stood some chance.----

I only wish that the time of my begetting, as well as the manner of it, had been a little altered, - or that it could have been put off, without any inconvenience to my father or mother, for another five-and-twenty years, when a man in the literary world might have stood some chance.


But I forget my uncle _Toby_, whom all this while we have left knocking the ashes out of his tobacco-pipe.

But I forget my uncle Toby, whom all this while we have left knocking the ashes from his pipe.


His humour was of that particular species, which does honour to our atmosphere; and I should have made no scruple of ranking him amongst one of the first-rate productions of it, had not there appeared too many strong lines in it of a family-likeness, which shewed that he derived the singularity of his temper more from blood, than either wind or water, or any modifications or combinations of them whatever: And I have, therefore, oft-times wondered, that my father, tho' I believe he had his reasons for it, upon his observing some tokens of eccentricity, in my course, when I was a boy, --should never once endeavour to account for them in this way: for all the SHANDY FAMILY were of an original character throughout: ----I mean the males, --the females had no character at all, --except, indeed, my great aunt DINAH, who, about sixty years ago, was married and got with child by the coachman, for which my father, according to his hypothesis of christian names, would often say, She might thank her godfathers and godmothers.

His character was of the type which does honour to our atmosphere; and I should have ranked him amongst the first-rate productions of it, had not there appeared such a strong family-likeness, which showed that he derived his unusual nature more from blood, than from water or weather. And I have often wondered that my father, when he observed signs of eccentricity in me when I was a boy, should never have tried to account for them in this way: for all the Shandy family were of an original character: - I mean the males, the females had no character at all - except, indeed, my great aunt Dinah, who, about sixty years ago, was married and got with child by the coachman, for which my father, according to his hypothesis of names, would often say, 'She might thank her christening.'


It will seem very strange, ----and I would as soon think of dropping a riddle in the reader's way, which is not my interest to do, as set him upon guessing how it could come to pass, that an event of this kind, so many years after it had happened, should be reserved for the interruption of the peace and unity, which otherwise so cordially subsisted, between my father and my uncle _Toby_.

It will seem very strange to the reader, that this event, so many years after it happened, should interrupt the cordial peace and unity between my father and my uncle Toby.


One would have thought, that the whole force of the misfortune should have spent and wasted itself in the family at first, --as is generally the case.


--But nothing ever wrought with our family after the ordinary way.

But nothing ever affected our family in the ordinary way.


Possibly at the very time this happened, it might have something else to afflict it; and as afflictions are sent down for our good, and that as this had never done the SHANDY FAMILY any good at all, it might lie waiting till apt times and circumstances should give it an opportunity to discharge its office.

Perhaps at the time the event happened, our family had something else to afflict it; and it lay waiting for an opportunity to do its work.


----Observe, I determine nothing upon this.


----My way is ever to point out to the curious, different tracts of investigation, to come at the first springs of the events I tell; --not with a pedantic _Fescue_, --or in the decisive manner of _Tacitus_, who outwits himself and his reader; --but with the officious humility of a heart devoted to the assistance merely of the inquisitive; --to them I write, ----and by them I shall be read, ----if any such reading as this could be supposed to hold out so long, --to the very end of the world.

- I do not say this for a fact: I merely point out different paths of investigation, in order to find the first springs of the events I tell; - not like the decisive Tacitus, who outwits himself and his reader, but with the humility of a heart devoted to aiding the inquisitive; to them I write - and by them I shall be read, to the very end of the world.


Why this cause of sorrow, therefore, was thus reserved for my father and uncle, is undetermined by me.

I can explain exactly how my great aunt Dinah created a rift between my father and my uncle.


But how and in what direction it exerted itself so as to become the cause of dissatisfaction between them, after it began to operate, is what I am able to explain with great exactness, and is as follows:


My uncle TOBY SHANDY, Madam, was a gentleman, who, with the virtues which usually constitute the character of a man of honour and rectitude, ----possessed one in a very eminent degree, which is seldom or never put into the catalogue; and that was a most extreme and unparallel'd modesty of nature; ----though I correct the word nature, for this reason, that I may not prejudge a point which must shortly come to a hearing, and that is, Whether this modesty of his was natural or acquir'd. ----Whichever way my uncle _Toby_ came by it, 'twas nevertheless modesty in the truest sense of it; and that is, Madam, not in regard to words, for he was so unhappy as to have very little choice in them, --but to things; ----and this kind of modesty so possessed him, and it arose to such a height in him, as almost to equal, if such a thing could be, even the modesty of a woman: That female nicety, Madam, and inward cleanliness of mind and fancy, in your sex, which makes you so much the awe of ours.

My uncle Toby Shandy was a gentleman who had a most extreme modesty of nature. Whether 'twas natural or acquired, 'twas nevertheless modesty in its truest sense; and that is, Madam, not in regard to words, but to things. His modesty even equalled, if possible, the modesty of a woman: that female cleanliness of mind, Madam, which makes your sex so much an object of awe to ours.


You will imagine, Madam, that my uncle _Toby_ had contracted all this from this very source; --that he had spent a great part of his time in converse with your sex; and that from a thorough knowledge of you, and the force of imitation which such fair examples render irresistible, he had acquired this amiable turn of mind.

You might imagine, Madam, that my uncle Toby spent much of his time talking with your sex, and that from such fair examples acquired this turn of mind.


I wish I could say so, --for unless it was with his sister-in-law, my father's wife and my mother----my uncle _Toby_ scarce exchanged three words with the sex in as many years; --no, he got it, Madam, by a blow.

I wish I could say so, - but unless it was with his sister-in-law, my mother, my uncle Toby scarce exchanged three words with the female sex in as many years. No; he got this modesty, Madam, by a blow.


--Yes, Madam, it was owing to a blow from a stone, broke off by a ball from the parapet of a horn-work at the siege of _Namur_, which struck full upon my uncle _Toby's_ groin.

- Yes, Madam, a blow from a stone, broke off by a cannon-ball from the parapet of a horn-work at the siege of Namur, which struck full upon my uncle Toby's groin.


The story of that, Madam, is long and interesting; --but it would be running my history all upon heaps to give it you here.

- The story of that, Madam, is long and interesting; but it would be running my history all upon heaps to give it you here.


----'Tis for an episode hereafter; and every circumstance relating to it, in its proper place, shall be faithfully laid before you: --'Till then, it is not in my power to give farther light into this matter, or say more than what I have said already, ----That my uncle _Toby_ was a gentleman of unparallel'd modesty, which happening to be somewhat subtilized and rarified by the constant heat of a little family pride, ----they both so wrought together within him, that he could never bear to hear the affair of my aunt DINAH touch'd upon, but with the greatest emotion.

Later on, every detail of it shall be faithfully laid before you: but till then, I can say only that my uncle Toby was a gentleman of unparalleled modesty.
Since he also had some family pride, he could never bear to hear the affair of my aunt Dinah mentioned, without the greatest emotion.


----The least hint of it was enough to make the blood fly into his face; --but when my father enlarged upon the story in mixed companies, which the illustration of his hypothesis frequently obliged him to do, --the unfortunate blight of one of the fairest branches of the family, would set my uncle _Toby's_ honour and modesty o'bleeding; and he would often take my father aside, in the greatest concern imaginable, to expostulate and tell him, he would give him anything in the world, only to let the story rest.

The least hint of it made him blush; but when my father told the story in mixed company, which he did frequently, it would set my uncle Toby's modesty bleeding; and he would take my father aside to expostulate with him, saying he would give him anything if he would only let the story rest.


My father, I believe, had the truest love and tenderness for my uncle _Toby_, that ever one brother bore towards another, and would have done any thing in nature, which one brother in reason could have desir'd of another, to have made my uncle _Toby's_ heart easy in this, or any other point.

My father, I believe, had the truest love for my uncle Toby, and would have done anything to ease his brother's heart.


----My father, as I told you, was a philosopher in grain, --speculative, --systematical; --and my aunt _Dinah's_ affair was a matter of as much consequence to him, as the retrogradation of the planets to _Copernicus_: --The backslidings of _Venus_ in her orbit fortified the _Copernican_ system, called so after his name; and the backslidings of my aunt _Dinah_ in her orbit, did the same service in establishing my father's system, which, I trust, will for ever hereafter be called the _Shandean System_, after this.

My father, as I told you, was a philosopher; and my aunt Dinah's affair was a matter of as much consequence to him, as the movements of the planets in their systems. Just as Venus's orbit fortified the Copernican system, so the backslidings of my aunt Dinah in her orbit, did the same service in establishing my father's system of names, which, I trust, will for ever hereafter be called the Shandean System.


In any other family dishonour, my father, I believe, had as nice a sense of shame as any man whatever; ----and neither he, nor, I dare say, _Copernicus_, would have divulged the affair in either case, or have taken the least notice of it to the world, but for the obligations they owed, as they thought, to truth.

In any other family dishonour, my father would not have revealed the affair to the world; but he felt he owed an obligation to truth.


--_Amicus Plato_, my father would say, construing the words to my uncle _Toby_, as he went along, _Amicus Plato_; that is, DINAH was my aunt; --_sed magis amica veritas_----but TRUTH is my sister.

My father would say to my uncle Toby, 'Dinah was my aunt; - but Truth is my sister.'


This contrariety of humours betwixt my father and my uncle, was the source of many a fraternal squabble.

These contrasting tempers of my father and my uncle were the source of many a fraternal squabble.


The one could not bear to hear the tale of family disgrace recorded, ----and the other would scarce ever let a day pass to an end without some hint at it.

The one could not bear to hear the tale of family disgrace, and the other would scarce let a day pass without some hint at it.


For God's sake, my uncle _Toby_ would cry, ----and for my sake, and for all our sakes, my dear brother _Shandy_, --do let this story of our aunt's and her ashes sleep in peace; ----how can you, ----how can you have so little feeling and compassion for the character of our family?

'For God's sake,' my uncle Toby would cry, 'and for my sake, and for all our sakes, my dear brother Shandy, do let this story of our aunt's sleep in peace! How can you have so little feeling for the character of our family?'


----What is the character of a family to an hypothesis?

'What is the character of a family to an hypothesis?'


----Nay, if you come to that--what is the life of a family?

'Nay, if you come to that - what is the life of a family?'


--my uncle _Toby_ would say, throwing himself back in his arm chair, and lifting up his hands, his eyes, and one leg.

my uncle Toby would say, throwing himself back in his armchair, and lifting up his hands, his eyes, and one leg.


----Yes, the life, ----my father would say, maintaining his point.


How many thousands of 'em are there every year that come cast away, (in all civilized countries at least)----and considered as nothing but common air, in competition of an hypothesis.

'How many thousands of 'em are every year cast away, (in all civilized countries at least) - and considered as nothing, compared to an hypothesis?'


In my plain sense of things, my uncle _Toby_ would answer, ----every such instance is downright MURDER, let who will commit it.

My uncle Toby would answer, 'Every such instance is downright Murder.'


----There lies your mistake, my father would reply; ----for, in _Foro Scienti_ there is no such thing as MURDER, ----'tis only DEATH, brother.

'There lies your mistake,' my father would reply; 'for, in Science there is no such thing as murder; 'tis only Death, brother.'


My uncle _Toby_ would never offer to answer this by any other kind of argument, than that of whistling half a dozen bars of _Lillabullero_.

My uncle Toby would never answer this by any other argument, than that of whistling half a dozen bars of Lillabullero.


----You must know it was the usual channel thro' which his passions got vent, when any thing shocked or surprized him: ----but especially when any thing, which he deem'd very absurd, was offered.

This was the usual channel through which his passions got vent, when anything shocked or surprised him, or when he was presented with an absurdity.


As not one of our logical writers, nor any of the commentators upon them, that I remember, have thought proper to give a name to this particular species of argument, --I here take the liberty to do it myself, for two reasons.

As none of our logical writers have thought proper to give a name to this particular species of argument, I here take the liberty to do it myself, for two reasons.


First, That, in order to prevent all confusion in disputes, it may stand as much distinguished for ever, from every other species of argument------as the _Argumentum ad Verecundiam_, _ex Absurdo, ex Fortiori_, or any other argument whatsoever: ----And, secondly, That it may be said by my children's children, when my head is laid to rest, ----that their learn'd grandfather's head had been busied to as much purpose once, as other people's; --That he had invented a name, --and generously thrown it into the TREASURY of the _Ars Logica_, for one of the most unanswerable arguments in the whole science.

First, that it may stand distinguished for ever from every other type of argument - like the Argumentum ad Verecundiam, ex Absurdo, ex Fortiori, etc; - and secondly, that it may be said by my grandchildren, when I am laid to rest, that their learned grandfather's head had been busy once; that he had invented a name for one of the best and most unanswerable arguments in the whole science of Logic.


And, if the end of disputation is more to silence than convince, --they may add, if they please, to one of the best arguments too.


I do therefore, by these presents, strictly order and command, That it be known and distinguished by the name and title of the _Argumentum Fistulatorium_, and no other; --and that it rank hereafter with the _Argumentum Baculinum_ and the _Argumentum ad Crumenam_, and for ever hereafter be treated of in the same chapter.

I do therefore command that it be known by the name and title of the Argumentum Fistulatorium (or Whistlers' Argument); and that it should rank hereafter with the Argumentum Baculinum (or Argument of Sticks) and the Argumentum ad Crumenam (or Moneybags' Argument), and for ever after be treated of in the same chapter.


As for the _Argumentum Tripodium_, which is never used but by the woman against the man; --and the _Argumentum ad Rem_, which, contrarywise, is made use of by the man only against the woman; --As these two are enough in conscience for one lecture; ----and, moreover, as the one is the best answer to the other, --let them likewise be kept apart, and be treated of in a place by themselves.

As for the Argumentum Tripodium, (or Three-footed Argument), which is never used except by the woman against the man; - and the Argumentum ad Rem (or Argument to the Point), which, contrarywise, is only used by the man against the woman; - as the one of these is the best answer to the other, let them be kept apart, and be treated of in a place by themselves.


It is so long since the reader of this rhapsodical work has been parted from the midwife, that it is high time to mention her again to him, merely to put him in mind that there is such a body still in the world, and whom, upon the best judgment I can form upon my own plan at present, --I am going to introduce to him for good and all: But as fresh matter may be started, and much unexpected business fall out betwixt the reader and myself, which may require immediate dispatch; ----'twas right to take care that the poor woman should not be lost in the meantime; --because when she is wanted, we can no way do without her.

It is now high time to mention the midwife again, merely to remind the reader that there is such a person, whom I am going to introduce for good and all. But as unexpected business may intervene, 'twas right to take care that the poor woman should not be lost in the meantime; because when she is wanted, we cannot do without her.


I think I told you that this good woman was a person of no small note and consequence throughout our whole village and township; --that her fame had spread itself to the very out-edge and circumference of that circle of importance, of which kind every soul living, whether he has a shirt to his back or no, ----has one surrounding him; --which said circle, by the way, whenever 'tis said that such a one is of great weight and importance in the _world_, ----I desire may be enlarged or contracted in your worship's fancy, in a compound ratio of the station, profession, knowledge, abilities, height and depth (measuring both ways) of the personage brought before you.

I think I told you that this good woman's fame had spread to the very edge of that circle of importance, which every soul has surrounding him; - and by the way, whenever 'tis said that some one is of great importance in the world, this circle may be enlarged or contracted in a compound ratio of their position, profession, knowledge, abilities, height and depth (measuring both ways).


In the present case, if I remember, I fixed it about four or five miles, which not only comprehended the whole parish, but extended itself to two or three of the adjacent hamlets in the skirts of the next parish; which made a considerable thing of it.

In the present case, if I remember, I fixed its diameter as about four miles, which not only took in the whole parish, but extended to the skirts of the next.


I must add, That she was, moreover, very well looked on at one large grange-house, and some other odd houses and farms within two or three miles, as I said, from the smoke of her own chimney: ----But I must here, once for all, inform you, that all this will be more exactly delineated and explain'd in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, with many other pieces and developements of this work, will be added to the end of the twentieth volume, --not to swell the work, --I detest the thought of such a thing; --but by way of commentary, scholium, illustration, and key to such passages, incidents, or innuendos as shall be thought to be either of private interpretation, or of dark or doubtful meaning, after my life and my opinions shall have been read over (now don't forget the meaning of the word) by all the _world_; ----which, betwixt you and me, and in spite of all the gentlemen-reviewers in _Great Britain_, and of all that their worships shall undertake to write or say to the contrary, --I am determined shall be the case.

She was, moreover, very well regarded at various houses and farms within another two or three miles.
But I must here inform you that all this will be more exactly shown in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, with many other developments of this work, will be added to the end of the twentieth volume, - not to swell the work, for I detest the thought of such a thing, but by way of commentary, illustration, and a key to such passages as shall be thought to be of dark or doubtful meaning, after my life shall have been read by all the world; - which, between you and me, and in spite of all that the reviewers of Great Britain may write or say to the contrary, I am determined shall be the case.


--I need not tell your worship, that all this is spoke in confidence.

- I need not tell your worship, that all this is spoke in confidence.


As the ancients agree, brother _Toby_, said my father, that there are two different and distinct kinds of _love_, according to the different parts which are affected by it--the Brain or Liver ----I think when a man is in love, it behoves him a little to consider which of the two he is fallen into.

'As the ancients agree, brother Toby,' said my father, 'that there are two distinct kinds of love, according to the different parts which are affected by it - the Brain or Liver - when a man is in love, he needs to consider which of the two he is fallen into.'


What signifies it, brother _Shandy_, replied my uncle _Toby_, which of the two it is, provided it will but make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?

'What does it matter which it is,' replied my uncle Toby, 'provided it will make a man marry, and love his wife, and get a few children?'


cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking full in my mother's face, as he forced his way betwixt her's and doctor _Slop's_--a few children!

cried my father, rising out of his chair, and looking full in my mother's face. 'A few children!'


cried my father, repeating my uncle _Toby's_ words as he walk'd to and fro----


----Not, my dear brother _Toby_, cried my father, recovering himself all at once, and coming close up to the back of my uncle _Toby's_ chair--not that I should be sorry hadst thou a score--on the contrary, I should rejoice--and be as kind, _Toby_, to every one of them as a father--

'Not, my dear brother Toby,' he cried, recovering himself, 'not that I should be sorry if thou hadst - on the contrary, I should rejoice - and be as kind to every one of them as a father-'


My uncle _Toby_ stole his hand unperceived behind his chair, to give my father's a squeeze----

My uncle Toby stole his hand into my father's to give it a squeeze.