--'Tis the duplication of one and the same greatness of soul; only what lessened the honour of it, somewhat, in my mother's case, was, that she could not heroine it into so violent and hazardous an extreme, as one in her situation might have wished, because the old widwife had really some little claim to be depended upon, --as much, at least, as success could give her; having, in the course of her practice of near twenty years in the parish, brought every mother's son of them into the world without any one slip or accident which could fairly be laid to her account.

'Tis the same greatness of soul; only in my mother's case, she could not heroine it as she might have wished, because the old midwife had really some claim to be depended upon, having had near twenty years' success in the parish, without one accident which could be laid to her account.


These facts, tho' they had their weight, yet did not altogether satisfy some few scruples and uneasinesses which hung upon my father's spirits in relation to this choice.

Nevertheless, my father had some uneasiness about this choice.


--To say nothing of the natural workings of humanity and justice--or of the yearnings of parental and connubial love, all which prompted him to leave as little to hazard as possible in a case of this kind; ----he felt himself concerned in a particular manner, that all should go right in the present case; --from the accumulated sorrow he lay open to, should any evil betide his wife and child in lying-in at _Shandy-Hall_.

Quite apart from his love for his family, he felt himself particularly concerned that all should go right in this case; - because of the extra sorrow he lay open to, should any evil befall his wife and child in lying-in at Shandy-Hall.


----He knew the world judged by events, and would add to his afflictions in such a misfortune, by loading him with the whole blame of it.

He knew that in such a misfortune, the world would add to his afflictions by loading him with the whole blame of it.


----"Alas, o'day; --had Mrs. _Shandy_, poor gentlewoman!


had but her wish in going up to town just to lye-in and come down again; --which, they say, she begged and prayed for upon her bare knees, ----and which, in my opinion, considering the fortune which Mr. _Shandy_ got with her, --was no such mighty matter to have complied with, the lady and her babe might both of them have been alive at this hour."

only had her wish of going up to town to lie-in, which, they say, she begged for upon her knees, and which considering the fortune which Mr. Shandy got with her, was no great matter - the lady and her babe might both have been alive at this hour.'


This exclamation, my father knew, was unanswerable; --and yet, it was not merely to shelter himself, --nor was it altogether for the care of his offspring and wife that he seemed so extremely anxious about this point; --my father had extensive views of things, ----and stood moreover, as he thought, deeply concerned in it for the publick good, from the dread he entertained of the bad uses an ill-fated instance might be put to.

This, my father knew, would be unanswerable. Yet it was not merely to shelter himself, nor through care for his offspring and wife, that he was so extremely anxious about this point. My father had extensive views of things, and dreaded setting a bad example to the public.


He was very sensible that all political writers upon the subject had unanimously agreed and lamented, from the beginning of Queen _Elizabeth's_ reign down to his own time, that the current of men and money towards the metropolis, upon one frivolous errand or another, --set in so strong, --as to become dangerous to our civil rights, --though, by the bye, ----a _current_ was not the image he took most delight in, --a _distemper_ was here his favourite metaphor, and he would run it down into a perfect allegory, by maintaining it was identically the same in the body national as in the body natural where the blood and spirits were driven up into the head faster than they could find their ways down; ----a stoppage of circulation must ensue, which was death in both cases.

He was aware that all political writers had agreed and lamented for centuries that the current of men and money towards the metropolis, upon one frivolous errand or another, was so great as to become dangerous to our civil rights, - though, by the bye, a current was not the image he preferred: a distemper was here his favourite metaphor. He would turn it into a perfect allegory, by maintaining that in the body national, just as in the body natural, when the blood was driven up into the head faster than it could find its way down, the circulation must stop, and death follow.


There was little danger, he would say, of losing our liberties by _French_ politicks or _French_ invasions; ----nor was he so much in pain of a consumption from the mass of corrupted matter and ulcerated humours in our constitution, which he hoped was not so bad as it was imagined; --but he verily feared, that in some violent push, we should go off, all at once, in a state-apoplexy; --and then he would say, _The Lord have mercy upon us all_.

There was little danger, he would say, of French invasions; nor was he pained by corruption in our constitution, which he hoped was not so bad as was imagined; but he feared that in some violent push, we should go off, all at once, in a state-apoplexy.


My father was never able to give the history of this distemper, --without the remedy along with it.

My father was never able to give the history of this distemper, without the remedy along with it.


"Was I an absolute prince," he would say, pulling up his breeches with both his hands, as he rose from his arm-chair, "I would appoint able judges, at every avenue of my metropolis, who should take cognizance of every fool's business who came there; --and if, upon a fair and candid hearing, it appeared not of weight sufficient to leave his own home, and come up, bag and baggage, with his wife and children, farmer's sons, &c., &c., at his backside, they should be all sent back, from constable to constable, like vagrants as they were, to the place of their legal settlements.

'If I were an absolute monarch,' he would say, hitching up his breeches as he rose from his arm-chair, 'I would appoint judges, at every avenue of my metropolis, who should note every fool's business who came there; and if it was not important enough to leave his own home, they should be all sent back, like vagrants, to the place of origin.


By this means I shall take care, that my metropolis totter'd not thro' its own weight; --that the head be no longer too big for the body; --that the extremes, now wasted and pinn'd in, be restored to their due share of nourishment, and regain with it their natural strength and beauty: --I would effectually provide, That the meadows and corn-fields of my dominions, should laugh and sing; --that good chear and hospitality flourish once more; --and that such weight and influence be put thereby into the hands of the Squirality of my kingdom, as should counterpoise what I perceive my Nobility are now taking from them.

By this means I should take care that my metropolis did not totter through its own weight. The head should be no longer too big for the body; the limbs should regain their natural strength. Good cheer and hospitality should flourish once more; and country Squires acquire more influence.


"Why are there so few palaces and gentlemen's seats," he would ask, with some emotion, as he walked across the room, "throughout so many delicious provinces in _France?_ Whence is it that the few remaining _Chateaus_ amongst them are so dismantled, --so unfurnished, and in so ruinous and desolate a condition?

'Why are there so few palaces and gentlemen's seats in the French provinces?' he would continue, with some emotion. 'Why are the few remaining Chateaus in so ruinous a condition?


----Because, Sir," (he would say) "in that kingdom no man has any country-interest to support; --the little interest of any kind which any man has anywhere in it, is concentrated in the court, and the looks of the Grand Monarch: by the sunshine of whose countenance, or the clouds which pass across it, every _French_ man lives or dies."

Because, Sir, in that kingdom all interest is concentrated in the court, and the looks of the Grand Monarch: by whose moods every Frenchman lives or dies.'


Another political reason which prompted my father so strongly to guard against the least evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the country, ----was, That any such instance would infallibly throw a balance of power, too great already, into the weaker vessels of the gentry, in his own, or higher stations; ----which, with the many other usurped rights which that part of the constitution was hourly establishing, --would, in the end, prove fatal to the monarchical system of domestick government established in the first creation of things by God.

Another political reason which prompted my father to guard against the least evil accident in my mother's lying-in in the country, was that any such event would throw a balance of power into the weaker vessels of the gentry. This would, in the end, prove fatal to the monarchical system of domestic government established in the first creation of things by God.


In this point he was entirely of Sir _Robert Filmer's_ opinion, That the plans and institutions of the greatest monarchies in the eastern parts of the world were, originally, all stolen from that admirable pattern and prototype of this household and paternal power; --which, for a century, he said, and more, had gradually been degenerating away into a mix'd government; ----the form of which, however desirable in great combinations of the species, ----was very troublesome in small ones, --and seldom produced anything, that he saw, but sorrow and confusion.

In this point he was entirely of Sir Robert Filmer's opinion, that the institutions of the greatest monarchies in the eastern parts of the world were, originally, all stolen from that admirable prototype of Great Britain; which, for a century, he said, had gradually been degenerating into a mixed government, which seldom produced anything but sorrow and confusion.


For all these reasons, private and publick, put together, --my father was for having the man-midwife by all means, --my mother by no means.

For all these reasons, my father was for having the man-midwife by all means, - my mother by no means.


My father begg'd and intreated she would for once recede from her prerogative in this matter, and suffer him to choose for her; --my mother, on the contrary, insisted upon her privilege in this matter, to choose for herself, --and have no mortal's help but the old woman's.

My father begged she would for once give up her prerogative in this matter, and let him choose for her; - my mother, on the contrary, insisted upon her privilege to choose for herself, and have no help but the old woman's.


He was almost at his wit's end; ----talked it over with her in all moods; --placed his arguments in all lights; --argued the matter with her like a christian, --like a heathen, --like a husband, --like a father, --like a patriot, --like a man: --My mother answered everything only like a woman; which was a little hard upon her; --for as she could not assume and fight it out behind such a variety of characters, --'twas no fair match: --'twas seven to one.

He was almost at his wit's end; talked it over with her in all moods; argued the matter with her like a Christian, - like a heathen, - like a husband, - like a father, - like a patriot, - like a man. My mother answered everything only like a woman; which was a little hard upon her; for as she could not fight it out behind such a variety of characters, 'twas no fair match: - 'twas seven to one.


----She had the advantage (otherwise she had been certainly overpowered) of a small reinforcement of chagrin personal at the bottom, which bore her up, and enabled her to dispute the affair with my father with so equal an advantage, ----that both sides sung _Te Deum_.

She had the advantage of a small reinforcement of personal chagrin, which bore her up, and enabled her to dispute the affair with my father on equal terms.


In a word, my mother was to have the old woman, --and the operator was to have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my father and my uncle _Toby Shandy_ in the back parlour, --for which he was to be paid five guineas.

In a word, my mother was to have the old woman, and the man-midwife was to have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my father and my uncle Toby in the back parlour, - for which he was to be paid five guineas.


I must beg leave, before I finish this chapter, to enter a caveat in the breast of my fair reader; --and it is this, ----Not to take it absolutely for granted, from an unguarded word or two which I have dropp'd in it, ----"That I am a married man."

Before I finish this chapter, I must warn my fair reader not to take it for granted, from an unguarded word or two which I have dropped in, that I am a married man.


--I own, the tender appellation of my dear, dear _Jenny_, --with some other strokes of conjugal knowledge, interspersed here and there, might, naturally enough, have misled the most candid judge in the world into such a determination against me.

The tender mention of my dear, dear Jenny, with some other touches of conjugal knowledge here and there, might have misled the most candid judge into such a presumption.


--All I plead for, in this case, Madam, is strict justice, and that you do so much of it, to me as well as to yourself, --as not to prejudge, or receive such an impression of me, till you have better evidence, than, I am positive, at present can be produced against me.

All I plead for, Madam, is strict justice: do not prejudge till you have better evidence than you have at present.


--Not that I can be so vain or unreasonable, Madam, as to desire you should therefore think, that my dear, dear _Jenny_ is my kept mistress; --no, --that would be flattering my character in the other extreme, and giving it an air of freedom, which, perhaps, it has no kind of right to.

Not that I wish you to think that my dear, dear Jenny is my kept mistress; - no, that would be flattering my character in the other extreme, and giving it a freedom, which, perhaps, it has no right to.


All I contend for, is the utter impossibility, for some volumes, that you, or the most penetrating spirit upon earth, should know how this matter really stands.

All I aim for, is the utter impossibility, for some volumes, that you should know how this matter really stands.


--It is not impossible, but that my dear, dear _Jenny!_ tender as the appellation is, may be my child.

For my dear, dear Jenny! may perhaps be my child.


----Consider, --I was born in the year eighteen.


--Nor is there anything unnatural or extravagant in the supposition, that my dear _Jenny_ may be my friend.

- Nor is there anything unnatural in the idea that my dear Jenny may be my friend.


--Surely, Madam, a friendship between the two sexes may subsist, and be supported without ------Fy!

Surely, Madam, a friendship between the two sexes may exist without-
- Fie!


Mr. _Shandy_: --Without anything, Madam, but that tender and delicious sentiment, which ever mixes in friendship, where there is a difference of sex.

Mr. Shandy.
- Without anything, Madam, but that tender and delicious sentiment which always mixes in friendship, where there is a difference of sex.


Let me intreat you to study the pure and sentimental parts of the best _French_ Romances; --it will really, Madam, astonish you to see with what a variety of chaste expressions this delicious sentiment, which I have the honour to speak of, is dress'd out.

Let me entreat you to read the best French Romances; it will really, Madam, astonish you to see with what a variety of chaste expressions this delicious sentiment is dressed out.


The _French_ are certainly misunderstood: ----but whether the fault is theirs, in not sufficiently explaining themselves; or speaking with that exact limitation and precision which one would expect on a point of such importance, and which, moreover, is so likely to be contested by us----or whether the fault may not be altogether on our side, in not understanding their language always so critically as to know "what they would be at" ----I shall not decide; but 'tis evident to me, when they affirm, "_That they who have seen _Paris_, have seen everything_," they must mean to speak of those who have seen it by day-light.

The French are certainly misunderstood: but whether the fault is theirs, in not sufficiently explaining themselves, or speaking too precisely - or whether the fault is on our side, in not understanding their language well enough - I shall not decide. But 'tis evident to me, when people say 'That they who have seen Paris, have seen everything,' they must mean those who have seen it by day-light.


As for candle-light --I give it up ----I have said before, there was no depending upon it--and I repeat it again; but not because the lights and shades are too sharp--or the tints confounded--or that there is neither beauty or keeping, &c. . . . for that's not truth--but it is an uncertain light in this respect, That in all the five hundred grand Htels, which they number up to you in _Paris_--and the five hundred good things, at a modest computation (for 'tis only allowing one good thing to a Htel), which by candle-light are best to be _seen_, _felt_, _heard_, and _understood_ (which, by the bye, is a quotation from _Lilly_)----the devil a one of us out of fifty, can get our heads fairly thrust in amongst them.

As for candle-light - I give it up - there was no depending upon it; in all the five hundred grand Hotels in Paris, and the five hundred good things (allowing one good thing to a Hotel), which by candle-light are best to be seen, felt, heard, and understood (which, by the bye, is a quotation from Lilly) - barely one of us out of fifty can get our heads thrust in amongst them.


This is no part of the _French_ computation: 'tis simply this,


That by the last survey taken in the year one thousand seven hundred and sixteen, since which time there have been considerable argumentations, _Paris_ doth contain nine hundred streets; (viz.)

That by the last survey taken in the year 1716, Paris did contain nine hundred streets; (viz.)


In the quarter called the _City_--there are fifty-three streets.

In the quarter called the City, there are fifty-three streets.


In St. _James_ of the Shambles, fifty-five streets.

In St. James of the Shambles, fifty-five streets.


In the quarter of the _Louvre_, twenty-five streets.

In the quarter of the Louvre, twenty-five streets.


In the _Palace Royal_, or St. _Honorius_, forty-nine streets.

In the Palace Royal, or St. Honorius, forty-nine streets.


In St. _Paul_, or the _Mortellerie_, twenty-seven streets. The _Greve_, thirty-eight streets. In St. _Avoy_, or the _Verrerie_, nineteen streets. In the _Marais_, or the _Temple_, fifty-two streets. In St. _Antony's_, sixty-eight streets. In the _Place Maubert_, eighty-one streets. In St. _Bennet_, sixty streets. In St. _Andrews de Arcs_, fifty-one streets. In the quarter of the _Luxembourg_, sixty-two streets.
And in that of St. Germain, fifty-five streets, into any of which you may walk; and that when you have seen them with all that belongs to them, fairly by day-light--their gates, their bridges, their squares, their statues - - - and have crusaded it moreover, through all their parish-churches, by no means omitting St. _Roche_ and _Sulpice_ - - - and to crown all, have taken a walk to the four palaces, which you may see, either with or without the statues and pictures, just as you chuse--

And in a further ten quarters, five hundred and thirteen streets, into any of which you may walk; and when you have seen them by day-light - their gates, bridges, squares, and statues - and have crusaded moreover, through all their parish-churches, - and to crown all, have taken a walk to the four palaces-


----but, 'tis what no one needeth to tell you, for you will read of it yourself upon the portico of the _Louvre_, in these words,

- but no one needs tell you what, for you will read of it yourself upon the portico of the Louvre, in these words,


--NO FOLKS E'ER SUCH A TOWN AS PARIS IS!


The _French_ have a _gay_ way of treating everything that is Great; and that is all can be said upon it.
[Footnote 7.3: Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullam --------ulla parem.]

Non orbis gentem, non urbem gens habet ullam - - - ulla parem.
The French have a gay way of treating everything that is Great; and that is all that can be said.


Dear _Yorick_, said my father, smiling (for _Yorick_ had broke his rank with my uncle _Toby_ in coming through the narrow entry, and so had stept first into the parlour)--this _Tristram_ of ours, I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites.

'Dear Yorick,' said my father, smiling (for Yorick had come into the parlour with my uncle Toby) - 'this Tristram of ours, I find, comes very hardly by his religious rites.


--Never was the son of _Jew_, _Christian_, _Turk_, or _Infidel_ initiated into them in so oblique and slovenly a manner.

Never was the son of Jew, Christian, Turk or Infidel initiated into them in so slovenly a manner.'


--But he is no worse, I trust, said _Yorick_.

'But he is none the worse, I trust,' said Yorick.


--There has been certainly, continued my father, the deuce and all to do in some part or other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine was formed.

'There has certainly,' continued my father, 'been the devil and all to do in his stars, when this offspring of mine was made.'


--That, you are a better judge of than I, replied _Yorick_.

'You are a better judge of that than I,' replied Yorick.


--Astrologers, quoth my father, know better than us both: --the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry, --or the opposite of their ascendants have not hit it, as they should, --or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at _bo-peep_, --or something has been wrong above, or below with us.

'Astrologers know better than us both,' quoth my father; 'the trine and sextil aspects have jumped awry, or the lords of the genitures (as they call them) have been at bo-peep.'


--But is the child, cried my uncle _Toby_, the worse?

'But is the child,' cried my uncle Toby, 'any the worse?'


--The _Troglodytes_ say not, replied my father.

'The Troglodytes say not,' replied my father.


And your theologists, _Yorick_, tell us --Theologically? said _Yorick_, --or speaking after the manner of apothecaries?[5.3]--statesmen?[5.4]--or washer-women?[5.5]
----I'm not sure, replied my father, --but they tell us, brother _Toby_, he's the better for it.

'And your theologists, Yorick, tell us he's the better for it.'


----Provided, said _Yorick_, you travel him into _Egypt_.

'Provided,' said Yorick, 'you travel him into Egypt.'


----Of that, answered my father, he will have the advantage, when he sees the _Pyramids_.----

'Of that,' answered my father, 'he will have the advantage, when he sees the Pyramids.'


Now every word of this, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is _Arabick_ to me.

'Now every word of this,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'is Arabic to me.'


----I wish, said _Yorick_, 'twas so, to half the world.


----ILUS,[5.6] continued my father, circumcised his whole army one morning.

'Ilus,' continued my father, 'circumcised his whole army one morning.'


----Though the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my uncle _Toby's_ remark, but turning to _Yorick_, --are greatly divided still who _Ilus_ was; --some say _Saturn_; --some the Supreme Being; --others, no more than a brigadier general under _Pharaoh-neco_.

'Though the learned,' continued my father, taking no notice of my uncle's remark, but turning to Yorick, 'are greatly divided as to who Ilus was; some say Saturn; some the Supreme Being; - others, no more than a brigadier general under the Pharaoh.'


----Let him be who he will, said my uncle _Toby_, I know not by what article of war he could justify it.

'Whoever he was,' said my uncle Toby, 'I know not by what article of war he could justify it.'


The controvertists, answered my father, assign two-and-twenty different reasons for it: --others, indeed, who have drawn their pens on the opposite side of the question, have shewn the world the futility of the greatest part of them.

'Historians,' answered my father, 'give two-and-twenty different reasons for it: - others have shown how futile most of these are.


--But then again, our best polemic divines --I wish there was not a polemic divine, said _Yorick_, in the kingdom; --one ounce of practical divinity--is worth a painted ship-load of all their reverences have imported these fifty years.

But then again, our best polemic divines-'
'I wish there was not a polemic divine in the kingdom,' said Yorick. 'One ounce of practical divinity is worth a painted ship-load of all that their reverences have imported these fifty years.'


--Pray, Mr. _Yorick_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --do tell me what a polemic divine is?

'Pray, Mr. Yorick,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'do tell me what a polemic divine is?'


----The best description, captain _Shandy_, I have ever read, is of a couple of 'em, replied _Yorick_, in the account of the battle fought single hands betwixt _Gymnast_ and captain _Tripet_; which I have in my pocket.

'The best description I have read, captain Shandy,' replied Yorick, 'is the account of a couple of 'em in the battle fought hand to hand betwixt Gymnast and captain Tripet; which I have in my pocket.'


----I beg I may hear it, quoth my uncle _Toby_ earnestly.

'May I hear it?' asked my uncle Toby earnestly.


--And as the corporal is waiting for me at the door, --and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper, --I beg, brother, you'll give him leave to come in.

'As the corporal is waiting for me at the door, and I know the description of a battle will do the poor fellow more good than his supper, I beg, brother, you'll let him come in.'


----_Trim_ came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, _Yorick_ took a book from his right-hand coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.

Trim came in, erect and happy as an emperor; and having shut the door, Yorick took a book from his coat-pocket, and read, or pretended to read, as follows.


dear brother _Toby_, said my father, upon his first seeing him after he fell in love--and how goes it with your ASSE?

dear brother Toby,' said my father, upon first seeing him after he fell in love - 'and how goes it with your Ass?'


Now my uncle _Toby_ thinking more of the _part_ where he had had the blister, than of _Hilarion's_ metaphor--and our preconceptions having (you know) as great a power over the sounds of words as the shapes of things, he had imagined, that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words, had enquired after the part by its proper name; so notwithstanding my mother, doctor _Slop_, and Mr. _Yorick_, were sitting in the parlour, he thought it rather civil to conform to the term my father had made use of than not.

Now my uncle Toby, thinking more of the part where he had the blister than of the hermit's metaphor, imagined that my father, who was not very ceremonious in his choice of words, had enquired after the part by its proper name. So although my mother, doctor Slop and Mr. Yorick were sitting in the parlour, he thought it civil to reply using the same term as my father.


When a man is hemm'd in by two indecorums, and must commit one of 'em --I always observe--let him chuse which he will, the world will blame him--so I should not be astonished if it blames my uncle _Toby_.


My A--e, quoth my uncle _Toby_, is much better--brother _Shandy_ --My father had formed great expectations from his Asse in this onset; and would have brought him on again; but doctor _Slop_ setting up an intemperate laugh--and my mother crying out L-- bless us!

'My A__e,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'is much better, brother Shandy.'
My father had formed great expectations from his Ass in this onset; and would have said more, but doctor Slop setting up an intemperate laugh - and my mother crying out, 'L__d bless us!'


--it drove my father's Asse off the field--and the laugh then becoming general--there was no bringing him back to the charge, for some time----

- it drove my father's Ass off the field - and the laugh then becoming general, there was no bringing him back to the charge for some time.


And so the discourse went on without him.


Everybody, said my mother, says you are in love, brother _Toby_, --and we hope it is true.

'Everybody,' said my mother, 'says you are in love, brother Toby, and we hope it is true.'


I am as much in love, sister, I believe, replied my uncle _Toby_, as any man usually is ----Humph!

'I am as much in love, I believe,' replied he, 'as any man usually is.'
'Humph!'


said my father----and when did you know it?

said my father.
'And when did you know it?'


----When the blister broke; replied my uncle _Toby_.

'When the blister broke,' replied my uncle Toby.


My uncle _Toby's_ reply put my father into good temper--so he charg'd o' foot.

My uncle Toby's reply put my father into good temper - so he charged on foot.


----"Now what can their two noddles be about?"

'Now what can their two noddles be about?'


I dare say, said my mother, they are making fortifications----

'I dare say,' said my mother, 'they are making fortifications.'


I wish, said my father, raising his voice, the whole science of fortification at the devil, with all its trumpery of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, fausse-brays and cuvetts------

'I wish,' said my father, raising his voice, 'the whole science of fortification at the devil, with all its trumpery of saps, mines, blinds, gabions, and cuvetts-'


----They are foolish things----said my mother.

'They are foolish things,' said my mother.


Now she had a way, which, by the bye, I would this moment give away my purple jerkin, and my yellow slippers into the bargain, if some of your reverences would imitate--and that was, never to refuse her assent and consent to any proposition my father laid before her, merely because she did not understand it, or had no ideas of the principal word or term of art, upon which the tenet or proposition rolled.

Now my mother would never disagree to any proposition my father laid before her, merely because she did not understand it, or had no ideas of the meaning of the terms upon which the proposition rolled.


She contented herself with doing all that her godfathers and godmothers promised for her--but no more; and so would go on using a hard word twenty years together--and replying to it too, if it was a verb, in all its moods and tenses, without giving herself any trouble to enquire about it.

She would go on using a hard word twenty years together, without giving herself any trouble to enquire about it.


This was an eternal source of misery to my father, and broke the neck, at the first setting out, of more good dialogues between them, than could have done the most petulant contradiction----the few which survived were the better for the _cuvetts_----

This was an eternal source of misery to my father, and cut short more good dialogues between them, than the most petulant contradiction could have done. The few which survived were the better for the cuvetts - the ditches within ditches.


--"They are foolish things;" said my mother.

'They are foolish things;' said my mother.


----Particularly the _cuvetts_; replied my father.

'Particularly the cuvetts,' replied my father.


'Tis enough--he tasted the sweet of triumph--and went on.

He tasted the sweet of triumph - and went on.


--Not that they are, properly speaking, Mrs. _Wadman's_ premises, said my father, partly correcting himself--because she is but tenant for life----

'Not that they are, properly speaking, Mrs. Wadman's premises,' said my father, 'because she is only tenant for life.'


----That makes a great difference--said my mother----

'That makes a great difference,' said my mother.


--In a fool's head, replied my father----


Unless she should happen to have a child--said my mother--

'Unless she should happen to have a child,' said my mother.


----But she must persuade my brother _Toby_ first to get her one--

'But she must persuade my brother Toby first to get her one.'


----To be sure, Mr. _Shandy_, quoth my mother.


----Though if it comes to persuasion--said my father --Lord have mercy upon them.

'Though if it comes to persuasion,' said my father, 'Lord have mercy upon them.'


Amen: said my mother again----but with such a sighing cadence of personal pity at the end of it, as discomfited every fibre about my father--he instantly took out his almanack; but before he could untie it, _Yorick's_ congregation coming out of church, became a full answer to one half of his business with it--and my mother telling him it was a sacrament day--left him as little in doubt, as to the other part --He put his almanack into his pocket.
The first Lord of the Treasury thinking of _ways and means_, could not have returned home with a more embarrassed look.

'Amen,' said my mother again - but with such a sigh of personal pity, as discomfited every fibre of my father. He instantly took out his almanac; but before he could look in it, Yorick's congregation coming out of church, answered half of his business with it - and my mother telling him it was a sacrament day answered the other half.
My father, remiss in not attending church, put his almanac into his pocket, and returned home with a most embarrassed look.


Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of these learned discourses------'twas still but like the anointing of a broken bone ------The moment he got home, the weight of his afflictions returned upon him but so much the heavier, as is ever the case when the staff we lean on slips from under us.

Though my father was hugely tickled with the subtleties of this learned discourse - 'twas still like putting ointment on a broken bone.
When he got home, his afflictions weighed upon him so much the heavier.


--He became pensive--walked frequently forth to the fish-pond--let down one loop of his hat----sigh'd often----forbore to snap--and, as the hasty sparks of temper, which occasion snapping, so much assist perspiration and digestion, as _Hippocrates_ tells us--he had certainly fallen ill with the extinction of them, had not his thoughts been critically drawn off, and his health rescued by a fresh train of disquietudes left him, with a legacy of a thousand pounds, by my aunt _Dinah_.

He became pensive - walked frequently to the fish-pond - sighed often - and would have certainly fallen ill, had not his thoughts been distracted by a fresh train of worries left him, with a legacy of a thousand pounds, by my aunt Dinah.


My father had scarce read the letter, when taking the thing by the right end, he instantly began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay it out mostly to the honour of his family.

My father had scarce read the letter, when he instantly began to puzzle his head how to use the money to the honour of his family.


--A hundred-and-fifty odd projects took possession of his brains by turns--he would do this, and that, and t'other --He would go to _Rome_----he would go to law----he would buy stock----he would buy _John Hobson's_ farm--he would new fore-front his house, and add a new wing to make it even ----There was a fine water-mill on this side, and he would build a wind-mill on the other side of the river in full view to answer it --But above all things in the world, he would inclose the great _Ox-moor_, and send out my brother _Bobby_ immediately upon his travels.

A hundred-and-fifty odd projects took possession of him by turns - he would go to Rome - he would go to law - he would buy stock - he would buy John Hobson's farm - he would build a new front to his house, and add a new wing to make it even. - There was a fine water-mill on this side, and he would build a wind-mill on the other side of the river in full view to answer it.
- But above all things in the world, he would enclose the great Ox-moor, and send out my brother Bobby immediately upon his travels.


But as the sum was _finite_, and consequently could not do everything----and in truth very few of these to any purpose--of all the projects which offered themselves upon this occasion, the two last seemed to make the deepest impression; and he would infallibly have determined upon both at once, but for the small inconvenience hinted at above, which absolutely put him under a necessity of deciding in favour either of the one or the other.

As the sum was finite, and could not do everything, of all these projects, the two last made the deepest impression; and he would have done both, could he have afforded it: but he needed to decide in favour of either one or the other.


This was not altogether so easy to be done; for though 'tis certain my father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my brother's education, and like a prudent man had actually determined to carry it into execution, with the first money that returned from the second creation of actions in the _Missisippi_-scheme, in which he was an adventurer----yet the _Ox-moor_, which was a fine, large, whinny, undrained, unimproved common, belonging to the _Shandy_-estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long and affectionately set his heart upon turning it likewise to some account.

This was not so easy; for though my father had long before set his heart upon this necessary part of my brother's education, and had determined to carry it out with the first money that returned from his investments in the Mississippi-scheme - yet the Ox-moor, which was a fine, large, gorse-covered, undrained common, belonging to the Shandy-estate, had almost as old a claim upon him: he had long wished to turn it to some account.


But having never hitherto been pressed with such a conjuncture of things, as made it necessary to settle either the priority or justice of their claims----like a wise man he had refrained entering into any nice or critical examination about them: so that upon the dismission of every other project at this crisis------the two old projects, the OX-MOOR and my BROTHER, divided him again; and so equal a match were they for each other, as to become the occasion of no small contest in the old gentleman's mind--which of the two should be set o'going first.

Having never had to decide between the two before, he now found that it was so equal a match between the Ox-moor and my Brother, as to cause no small contest in the old gentleman's mind.


----People may laugh as they will--but the case was this.

People may laugh - but the case was this.


It had ever been the custom of the family, and by length of time was almost become a matter of common right, that the eldest son of it should have free ingress, egress, and regress into foreign parts before marriage--not only for the sake of bettering his own private parts, by the benefit of exercise and change of so much air--but simply for the mere delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap, of having been abroad--_tantum valet_, my father would say, _quantum sonat_.

It had always been the family's custom that the eldest son should be free to travel into foreign parts before marriage - not only to benefit bodily from the exercise and change of air - but also for the delectation of his fancy, by the feather put into his cap of having been abroad.


Now as this was a reasonable, and in course a most christian indulgence----to deprive him of it, without why or wherefore----and thereby make an example of him, as the first _Shandy_ unwhirl'd about _Europe_ in a post-chaise, and only because he was a heavy lad----would be using him ten times worse than a Turk.

Now as this was a reasonable indulgence - to deprive him of it, without why or wherefore - and thereby make him the first Shandy unwhirled about Europe in a post-chaise - would be using him ten times worse than a Turk.


On the other hand, the case of the _Ox-moor_ was full as hard.

On the other hand, the case of the Ox-moor was just as hard.


Exclusive of the original purchase-money, which was eight hundred pounds----it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in a law-suit about fifteen years before--besides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation.

As well as the purchase-money, which was eight hundred pounds, it had cost the family eight hundred pounds more in a law-suit about fifteen years before - besides the Lord knows what trouble and vexation.


It had been moreover in possession of the _Shandy_-family ever since the middle of the last century; and though it lay full in view before the house, bounded on one extremity by the water-mill, and on the other by the projected wind-mill, spoken of above--and for all these reasons seemed to have the fairest title of any part of the estate to the care and protection of the family--yet by an unaccountable fatality, common to men, as well as the ground they tread on----it had all along most shamefully been overlook'd; and to speak the truth of it, had suffered so much by it, that it would have made any man's heart have bled (_Obadiah_ said) who understood the value of the land, to have rode over it, and only seen the condition it was in.

It had been in possession of the Shandy-family ever since the middle of the last century; and though it lay full in view before the house, bounded on one side by the water-mill, and on the other by the projected wind-mill spoken of above - yet, unaccountably, it had always been most shamefully overlooked. To speak the truth, it had suffered so much that it would have made any man's heart bleed (Obadiah said) who understood the value of the land, to have rode over it, and seen the condition it was in.


However, as neither the purchasing this tract of ground----nor indeed the placing of it where it lay, were either of them, properly speaking, of my father's doing----he had never thought himself any way concerned in the affair------till the fifteen years before, when the breaking out of that cursed law-suit mentioned above (and which had arose about its boundaries)------which being altogether my father's own act and deed, it naturally awakened every other argument in its favour, and upon summing them all up together, he saw, not merely in interest, but in honour, he was bound to do something for it----and that now or never was the time.

However, as neither its purchase nor its position were of my father's doing, he had never concerned himself with it - till fifteen years before, when the fighting of that cursed law-suit mentioned above (which had arose about its boundaries), being altogether my father's own act, naturally awakened every argument in its favour, so that he felt honour-bound to do something for it - and that now or never was the time.


I think there must certainly have been a mixture of ill-luck in it, that the reasons on both sides should happen to be so equally balanced by each other; for though my father weigh'd them in all humours and conditions------spent many an anxious hour in the most profound and abstracted meditation upon what was best to be done--reading books of farming one day------books of travels another----laying aside all passion whatever--viewing the arguments on both sides in all their lights and circumstances--communing every day with my uncle _Toby_--arguing with _Yorick_, and talking over the whole affair of the _Ox-moor_ with _Obadiah_------yet nothing in all that time appeared so strongly in behalf of the one, which was not either strictly applicable to the other, or at least so far counterbalanced by some consideration of equal weight, as to keep the scales even.

I think it was ill-luck that the reasons on both sides were so equally balanced; for though my father weighed them anxiously - reading books of farming one day - books of travels another - arguing with my uncle and Yorick, and talking over the affair of the Ox-moor with Obadiah - yet nothing appeared so strongly in behalf of the one, which was not counterbalanced by some consideration of equal weight in the other.


For to be sure, with proper helps, and in the hands of some people, tho' the _Ox-moor_ would undoubtedly have made a different appearance in the world from what it did, or ever could do in the condition it lay----yet every tittle of this was true, with regard to my brother _Bobby_----let _Obadiah_ say what he would.------

For, to be sure, with the proper helps, the Ox-moor would undoubtedly have made a different appearance from what it did - yet this was also true with regard to my brother Bobby.


In point of interest----the contest, I own, at first sight, did not appear so undecisive betwixt them; for whenever my father took pen and ink in hand, and set about calculating the simple expence of paring and burning, and fencing in the _Ox-moor_ &c. &c. --with the certain profit it would bring him in return----the latter turned out so prodigiously in his way of working the account, that you would have sworn the _Ox-moor_ would have carried all before it.

The contest, I own, at first sight, did not appear so close: for whenever my father calculated the simple expense of burning and fencing in the Ox-moor, compared to the profit it would bring him - the latter turned out so prodigiously in his favour, that you would have thought the Ox-moor would have carried all before it.


For it was plain he should reap a hundred lasts of rape, at twenty pounds a last, the very first year----besides an excellent crop of wheat the year following----and the year after that, to speak within bounds, a hundred----but in all likelihood, a hundred and fifty------if not two hundred quarters of pease and beans----besides potatoes without end.

For it was plain his crop of rape should make two thousand pounds the very first year - besides an excellent wheat harvest the year following - and the year after that, a hundred, if not two hundred quarters of peas and beans - besides potatoes without end.


----But then, to think he was all this while breeding up my brother, like a hog to eat them----knocked all on the head again, and generally left the old gentleman in such a state of suspence----that, as he often declared to my uncle _Toby_----he knew no more than his heels what to do.

But then, to think he was all this while breeding up my brother like a hog to eat them, knocked all on the head again, and left the old gentleman in such suspense that he knew no more than his heels what to do.


No body, but he who has felt it, can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to have a man's mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength, both obstinately pulling in a contrary direction at the same time: for to say nothing of the havock, which by a certain consequence is unavoidably made by it all over the finer system of the nerves, which you know convey the animal spirits and more subtle juices from the heart to the head, and so on----it is not to be told in what a degree such a wayward kind of friction works upon the more gross and solid parts, wasting the fat and impairing the strength of a man every time as it goes backwards and forwards.

Nobody can conceive what a plaguing thing it is to have a man's mind torn asunder by two projects of equal strength, both obstinately pulling in contrary directions: for to say nothing of the havoc made on the nerves, such a wayward friction works to a dreadful degree upon the more gross and solid parts, impairing the strength of a man every time it goes backwards and forwards.


My father had certainly sunk under this evil, as certainly as he had done under that of my CHRISTIAN NAME----had he not been rescued out of it, as he was out of that, by a fresh evil------the misfortune of my brother _Bobby's_ death.

My father would certainly have sunk under this evil, as he had done under that of my christian name - had he not been rescued out of it by a fresh evil - the misfortune of my brother Bobby's death.


Is it not to shift from side to side? ------from sorrow to sorrow?

Is it not to shift from sorrow to sorrow?


------to button up one cause of vexation------and unbutton another?

- to button up one cause of vexation - and unbutton another?


cried _Phutatorius_, partly to himself----and yet high enough to be heard--and what seemed odd, 'twas uttered in a construction of look, and in a tone of voice, somewhat between that of a man in amazement and one in bodily pain.

cried Phutatorius, partly to himself, yet high enough to be heard, in a tone between amazement and bodily pain.


One or two who had very nice ears, and could distinguish the expression and mixture of the two tones as plainly as a _third_ or a _fifth_, or any other chord in musick--were the most puzzled and perplexed with it--the concord was good in itself--but then 'twas quite out of the key, and no way applicable to the subject started; ----so that with all their knowledge, they could not tell what in the world to make of it.

One or two could distinguish the mixture of the two tones as plainly as a fifth chord in music - but they could not tell what in the world to make of it.


Others who knew nothing of musical expression, and merely lent their ears to the plain import of the _word_, imagined that _Phutatorius_, who was somewhat of a cholerick spirit, was just going to snatch the cudgels out of _Didius's_ hands, in order to bemaul _Yorick_ to some purpose--and that the desperate monosyllable Z------ds was the exordium to an oration, which, as they judged from the sample, presaged but a rough kind of handling of him; so that my uncle _Toby's_ good-nature felt a pang for what _Yorick_ was about to undergo.

Others imagined that Phutatorius, who was short-tempered, was about to take the cudgels from Didius and attack Yorick - and that the desperate monosyllable Z------ds was the introduction to a forceful speech.


But seeing _Phutatorius_ stop short, without any attempt or desire to go on--a third party began to suppose, that it was no more than an involuntary respiration, casually forming itself into the shape of a twelve-penny oath--without the sin or substance of one.

But seeing Phutatorius stop short, they then supposed that it was no more than an involuntary breath, casually forming itself into an oath - without the sin of one.


Others, and especially one or two who sat next him, looked upon it on the contrary as a real and substantial oath, propensly formed against _Yorick_, to whom he was known to bear no good liking--which said oath, as my father philosophized upon it, actually lay fretting and fuming at that very time in the upper regions of _Phutatorius's_ purtenance; and so was naturally, and according to the due course of things, first squeezed out by the sudden influx of blood which was driven into the right ventricle of _Phutatorius's_ heart, by the stroke of surprize which so strange a theory of preaching had excited.

Those who sat next to him looked upon it, on the contrary, as a real oath against Yorick, whom he was known to not like - this oath being squeezed out by the surprise which so strange a theory of preaching had given him.


How finely we argue upon mistaken facts!


There was not a soul busied in all these various reasonings upon the monosyllable which _Phutatorius_ uttered----who did not take this for granted, proceeding upon it as from an axiom, namely, that _Phutatorius's_ mind was intent upon the subject of debate which was arising between _Didius_ and _Yorick_; and indeed as he looked first towards the one and then towards the other, with the air of a man listening to what was going forwards--who would not have thought the same?

Everybody there assumed that Phutatorius's mind was intent upon the debate between Didius and Yorick; and indeed he looked first towards the one and then the other, with the air of a man listening.


But the truth was, that _Phutatorius_ knew not one word or one syllable of what was passing--but his whole thoughts and attention were taken up with a transaction which was going forwards at that very instant within the precincts of his own _Galligaskins_, and in a part of them, where of all others he stood most interested to watch accidents: So that notwithstanding he looked with all the attention in the world, and had gradually skrewed up every nerve and muscle in his face, to the utmost pitch the instrument would bear, in order, as it was thought, to give a sharp reply to _Yorick_, who sat over-against him----yet, I say, was _Yorick_ never once in any one domicile of _Phutatorius's_ brain----but the true cause of his exclamation lay at least a yard below.

But the truth was, that Phutatorius knew not one word of what was passing - his thoughts were taken up with something which was happening at that very instant within his own breeches, and in a part of them where he was most interested. So although he looked with all the attention in the world, and had screwed up every muscle in his face, - yet the true cause of his exclamation lay a yard below.


This I will endeavour to explain to you with all imaginable decency.

This I will try to explain with decency.


You must be informed then, that _Gastripheres_, who had taken a turn into the kitchen a little before dinner, to see how things went on--observing a wicker-basket of fine chesnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a hundred or two of them might be roasted and sent in, as soon as dinner was over---- _Gastripheres_ inforcing his orders about them, that _Didius_, but _Phutatorius_ especially, were particularly fond of 'em.

Gastripheres, who had wandered into the kitchen before dinner, to see how things went on - observing a wicker-basket of fine chestnuts standing upon the dresser, had ordered that a hundred of them might be roasted and sent in after dinner, because Didius, and Phutatorius especially, were fond of 'em.


About two minutes before the time that my uncle _Toby_ interrupted _Yorick's_ harangue--_Gastripheres's_ chesnuts were brought in--and as _Phutatorius's_ fondness for 'em was uppermost in the waiter's head, he laid them directly before _Phutatorius_, wrapt up hot in a clean damask napkin.

The chestnuts were brought in - and as Phutatorius's fondness for 'em was uppermost in the waiter's head, he laid them directly before Phutatorius, wrapped up hot in a clean damask napkin.


Now whether it was physically impossible, with half a dozen hands all thrust into the napkin at a time--but that some one chesnut, of more life and rotundity than the rest, must be put in motion--it so fell out, however, that one was actually sent rolling off the table; and as _Phutatorius_ sat straddling under----it fell perpendicularly into that particular aperture of _Phutatorius's_ breeches, for which, to the shame and indelicacy of our language be it spoke, there is no chaste word throughout all _Johnson's_ dictionary----let it suffice to say----it was that particular aperture which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum do strictly require, like the temple of _Janus_ (in peace at least) to be universally shut up.

Now, one chestnut, of more life and rotundity than the rest, must have been put in motion - it was sent rolling off the table; and as Phutatorius sat straddled under - it fell straight into that particular opening of Phutatorius's breeches, for which there is no chaste word in Johnson's dictionary. Let it suffice to say - it was that opening which, in all good societies, the laws of decorum strictly require to be shut up.


The neglect of this punctilio in _Phutatorius_ (which by the bye should be a warning to all mankind) had opened a door to this accident.----

Phutatorius's neglect of this rule had opened a door to this accident.


Accident I call it, in compliance to a received mode of speaking------but in no opposition to the opinion either of _Acrites_ or _Mythogeras_ in this matter; I know they were both prepossessed and fully persuaded of it--and are so to this hour, That there was nothing of accident in the whole event----but that the chesnut's taking that particular course and in a manner of its own accord--and then falling with all its heat directly into that one particular place, and no other----was a real judgment upon _Phutatorius_, for that filthy and obscene treatise _de Concubinis retinendis_, which _Phutatorius_ had published about twenty years ago----and was that identical week going to give the world a second edition of.

- Accident I call it; but Acrites and Mythogeras were both sure that there was no accident in it - but that the hot chestnut's falling directly into that particular place was a judgment upon Phutatorius, for his filthy treatise de Concubinis retinendis, which he had published about twenty years earlier, and was that week going to give the world a second edition of.


It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy----much undoubtedly may be wrote on both sides of the question--all that concerns me as an historian, is to represent the matter of fact, and render it credible to the reader, that the hiatus in _Phutatorius's_ breeches was sufficiently wide to receive the chesnut; ----and that the chesnut, somehow or other, did fall perpendicularly and piping hot into it, without _Phutatorius's_ perceiving it, or any one else at that time.

It is not my business to dip my pen in this controversy - all that concerns me is the fact that the gap in Phutatorius's breeches was wide enough to receive the chestnut; which somehow or other fell piping hot into it, without anyone noticing.


The genial warmth which the chesnut imparted, was not undelectable for the first twenty or five-and-twenty seconds----and did no more than gently solicit _Phutatorius's_ attention towards the part: ------But the heat gradually increasing, and in a few seconds more getting beyond the point of all sober pleasure, and then advancing with all speed into the regions of pain, the soul of _Phutatorius_, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, his attention, his imagination, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with ten battalions of animal spirits, all tumultuously crowded down, through different defiles and circuits, to the place of danger, leaving all his upper regions, as you may imagine, as empty as my purse.

The genial warmth of the chestnut was not unpleasant for the first twenty seconds or so - and did no more than gently call Phutatorius's attention to the part.
But the heat increasing speedily into the regions of pain, the soul of Phutatorius, together with his thoughts, attention and judgment, all tumultuously crowded down to the place of danger, leaving his upper regions as empty as my purse.


With the best intelligence which all these messengers could bring him back, _Phutatorius_ was not able to dive into the secret of what was going forwards below, nor could he make any kind of conjecture, what the devil was the matter with it: However, as he knew not what the true cause might turn out, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was in at present, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoick; which, with the help of some wry faces and compursions of the mouth, he had certainly accomplished, had his imagination continued neuter; ----but the sallies of the imagination are ungovernable in things of this kind--a thought instantly darted into his mind, that tho' the anguish had the sensation of glowing heat--it might, notwithstanding that, be a bite as well as a burn; and if so, that possibly a _Newt_ or an _Asker_, or some such detested reptile, had crept up, and was fastening his teeth----the horrid idea of which, with a fresh glow of pain arising that instant from the chesnut, seized _Phutatorius_ with a sudden panick, and in the first terrifying disorder of the passion, it threw him, as it has done the best generals upon earth, quite off his guard: ----the effect of which was this, that he leapt incontinently up, uttering as he rose that interjection of surprise so much descanted upon, with the aposiopestic break after it, marked thus, Z------ds--which, though not strictly canonical, was still as little as any man could have said upon the occasion; ------and which, by the bye, whether canonical or not, _Phutatorius_ could no more help than he could the cause of it.

Phutatorius had no idea of what was going on below, nor could he make any guess what the devil was the matter. However, he deemed it most prudent, in the situation he was in, to bear it, if possible, like a Stoic; which, with the help of some wry faces, he had certainly accomplished.
But then the thought darted into his mind, that though the anguish felt like heat, it might just as likely be a bite as a burn; and that possibly some detested reptile had crept up, and was fastening its teeth in him - a horrid idea which seized Phutatorius with a sudden panic, and threw him quite off his guard.
The effect was that he leapt up, uttering that Z------ds - which was the least any man could have said upon the occasion.


Though this has taken up some time in the narrative, it took up little more time in the transaction, than just to allow for _Phutatorius_ to draw forth the chesnut, and throw it down with violence upon the floor--and for _Yorick_ to rise from his chair, and pick the chesnut up.

Drawing forth the chestnut, he threw it down violently upon the floor - and Yorick picked it up.


It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the mind: ----What incredible weight they have in forming and governing our opinions, both of men and things----that trifles, light as air, shall waft a belief into the soul, and plant it so immoveably within it----that _Euclid's_ demonstrations, could they be brought to batter it in breach, should not all have power to overthrow it.

It is curious to observe the triumph of slight incidents over the mind: - what incredible weight they have in forming our opinions, - so that trifles, light as air, waft a belief into the soul, and plant it immoveably within.


_Yorick_, I said, picked up the chesnut which _Phutatorius's_ wrath had flung down----the action was trifling ----I am ashamed to account for it--he did it, for no reason, but that he thought the chesnut not a jot worse for the adventure--and that he held a good chesnut worth stooping for.

Yorick, as I said, picked up the chestnut - the action was trifling - he did it, for no reason, but that a good chestnut was worth stooping for.


------But this incident, trifling as it was, wrought differently in _Phutatorius's_ head: He considered this act of _Yorick's_ in getting off his chair and picking up the chesnut, as a plain acknowledgment in him, that the chesnut was originally his--and in course, that it must have been the owner of the chesnut, and no one else, who could have played him such a prank with it: What greatly confirmed him in this opinion, was this, that the table being parallelogramical and very narrow, it afforded a fair opportunity for _Yorick_, who sat directly over against _Phutatorius_, of slipping the chesnut in----and consequently that he did it.

But this incident, trifling as it was, worked differently in Phutatorius's head. He considered Yorick's act as a plain acknowledgment that the chestnut was originally his - and that it must have been Yorick who had played him a prank. The table being very narrow, it gave Yorick, who sat opposite him, the opportunity of slipping the chestnut in - and consequently Phutatorius assumed he did it.


The look of something more than suspicion, which _Phutatorius_ cast full upon _Yorick_ as these thoughts arose, too evidently spoke his opinion----and as _Phutatorius_ was naturally supposed to know more of the matter than any person besides, his opinion at once became the general one; ----and for a reason very different from any which have been yet given----in a little time it was put out of all manner of dispute.

The look of suspicion which Phutatorius gave Yorick spoke his opinion - and as Phutatorius was naturally supposed to know more of the matter than any other person, his opinion at once became the general one.


When great or unexpected events fall out upon the stage of this sublunary world----the mind of man, which is an inquisitive kind of substance, naturally takes a flight behind the scenes to see what is the cause and first spring of them.

And naturally, men looked for the cause of this.


--The search was not long in this instance.


It was well known that _Yorick_ had never a good opinion of the treatise which _Phutatorius_ had wrote _de Concubinis retinendis_, as a thing which he feared had done hurt in the world----and 'twas easily found out, that there was a mystical meaning in _Yorick's_ prank--and that his chucking the chesnut hot into _Phutatorius's_ ***----*****, was a sarcastical fling at his book--the doctrines of which, they said, had enflamed many an honest man in the same place.

It was well known that Yorick had never a good opinion of Phutatorius's treatise, de Concubinis retinendis - and 'twas decided that there was a mystical meaning in Yorick's prank, and that his chucking the hot chestnut into Phutatorius's breeches was a sarcastical fling at his book - the doctrines of which had enflamed many an honest man in the same place.


This conceit awaken'd _Somnolentus_----made _Agelastes_ smile----and if you can recollect the precise look and air of a man's face intent in finding out a riddle------it threw _Gastripheres's_ into that form--and in short was thought by many to be a master-stroke of arch-wit.

This idea was thought by many to be a master-stroke of arch-wit.


This, as the reader has seen from one end to the other, was as groundless as the dreams of philosophy: _Yorick_, no doubt, as _Shakespeare_ said of his ancestor------ "_was a man of jest_," but it was temper'd with something which withheld him from that, and many other ungracious pranks, of which he as undeservedly bore the blame; --but it was his misfortune all his life long to bear the imputation of saying and doing a thousand things, of which (unless my esteem blinds me) his nature was incapable.

This, as the reader has seen, was groundless: though Yorick was 'a man of jest,' his nature withheld him from that, and many other pranks, of which he undeservedly bore the blame. It was his misfortune all his life to bear the blame of a thousand things, of which he was incapable.


All I blame him for----or rather, all I blame and alternately like him for, was that singularity of his temper, which would never suffer him to take pains to set a story right with the world, however in his power.

All I blame him for - and also like him for - was that he would never set a story right with the world, even if he could.


In every ill usage of that sort, he acted precisely as in the affair of his lean horse----he could have explained it to his honour, but his spirit was above it; and besides, he ever looked upon the inventor, the propagator and believer of an illiberal report alike so injurious to him--he could not stoop to tell his story to them--and so trusted to time and truth to do it for him.

In every ill usage of that sort, he acted precisely as in the affair of his lean horse - he could have explained it to his honour, but he would not stoop to tell his story to those who believed ungenerous reports. He trusted to time and truth to do it for him.


This heroic cast produced him inconveniences in many respects--in the present it was followed by the fixed resentment of _Phutatorius_, who, as _Yorick_ had just made an end of his chesnut, rose up from his chair a second time, to let him know it--which indeed he did with a smile; saying only--that he would endeavour not to forget the obligation.

This heroic cast of mind often inconvenienced him; here it was followed by the fixed resentment of Phutatorius, who rose up from his chair with a smile; saying that he would not forget the obligation.


But you must mark and carefully separate and distinguish these two things in your mind.


_Calais_, _Calatium_, _Calusium_, _Calesium_.


This town, if we may trust its archives, the authority of which I see no reason to call in question in this place--was _once_ no more than a small village belonging to one of the first Counts de _Guignes_; and as it boasts at present of no less than fourteen thousand inhabitants, exclusive of four hundred and twenty distinct families in the _basse ville_, or suburbs----it must have grown up by little and little, I suppose, to its present size.

This town, if we may trust its archives, was once a small village belonging to the Count de Guignes; and as it now boasts fourteen thousand inhabitants, as well as four hundred and twenty families in the suburbs, it must have grown up little by little, I suppose, to its present size.


Though there are four convents, there is but one parochial church in the whole town; I had not an opportunity of taking its exact dimensions, but it is pretty easy to make a tolerable conjecture of 'em--for as there are fourteen thousand inhabitants in the town, if the church holds them all it must be considerably large--and if it will not--'tis a very great pity they have not another--it is built in form of a cross, and dedicated to the Virgin _Mary_; the steeple, which has a spire to it, is placed in the middle of the church, and stands upon four pillars elegant and light enough, but sufficiently strong at the same time--it is decorated with eleven altars, most of which are rather fine than beautiful.

Though there are four convents, there is but one parish church in the whole town; I had not an opportunity of taking its dimensions, but it is pretty easy to make a guess at 'em - for as there are fourteen thousand inhabitants in the town, if the church holds them all it must be considerably large - and if it will not, 'tis a pity they have not another. It is built in the form of a cross, and dedicated to the Virgin Mary; the steeple, which has a spire, is in the middle of the church, and stands upon four pillars elegant and light enough, but also strong. It is decorated with eleven altars, fine rather than beautiful.


The great altar is a masterpiece in its kind; 'tis of white marble, and, as I was told, near sixty feet high--had it been much higher, it had been as high as mount _Calvary_ itself--therefore, I suppose it must be high enough in all conscience.

The great altar is a masterpiece in its kind; 'tis of white marble, and, I was told, near sixty feet high.


There was nothing struck me more than the great _Square_; tho' I cannot say 'tis either well paved or well built; but 'tis in the heart of the town, and most of the streets, especially those in that quarter, all terminate in it; could there have been a fountain in all _Calais_, which it seems there cannot, as such an object would have been a great ornament, it is not to be doubted, but that the inhabitants would have had it in the very centre of this square, --not that it is properly a square, --because 'tis forty feet longer from east to west, than from north to south; so that the _French_ in general have more reason on their side in calling them _Places_ than _Squares_, which, strictly speaking, to be sure, they are not.

There was nothing struck me more than the great Square, tho' I cannot say 'tis either well paved or well built; but 'tis in the heart of the town, and most of the streets around there terminate in it. Could there have been a fountain, which it seems there cannot, it would have doubtless been a great ornament in the centre of this square, - not that it is properly a square, because 'tis forty feet longer from east to west, than from north to south; so that the French are right to call them Places rather than Squares, which, strictly speaking, they are not.


The town-house seems to be but a sorry building, and not to be kept in the best repair; otherwise it had been a second great ornament to this place; it answers however its destination, and serves very well for the reception of the magistrates, who assemble in it from time to time; so that 'tis presumable, justice is regularly distributed.

The town-hall seems to be but a sorry building, and not in the best repair; however it serves very well for the magistrates, who assemble in it from time to time to distribute justice.


I have heard much of it, but there is nothing at all curious in the _Courgain_; 'tis a distinct quarter of the town, inhabited solely by sailors and fishermen; it consists of a number of small streets, neatly built and mostly of brick; 'tis extremely populous, but as that may be accounted for, from the principles of their diet, --there is nothing curious in that neither.

Although I have heard much of it, there is nothing at all curious in the Courgain; 'tis a quarter inhabited solely by sailors and fishermen, consisting of a number of small streets, neatly built of brick; 'tis extremely populous, but there is nothing curious in that either.


----A traveller may see it to satisfy himself--he must not omit however taking notice of _La Tour de Guet_, upon any account; 'tis so called from its particular destination, because in war it serves to discover and give notice of the enemies which approach the place, either by sea or land; ----but 'tis monstrous high, and catches the eye so continually, you cannot avoid taking notice of it if you would.

- A traveller may see it to satisfy himself - however he must not on any account omit seeing La Tour de Guet; 'tis so called because in war it serves to give warning of approaching enemies - but 'tis monstrous high, and catches the eye so continually, you cannot avoid noticing it.


It was a singular disappointment to me, that I could not have permission to take an exact survey of the fortifications, which are the strongest in the world, and which, from first to last, that is, from the time they were set about by _Philip_ of _France_, Count of _Boulogne_, to the present war, wherein many reparations were made, have cost (as I learned afterwards from an engineer in _Gascony_)--above a hundred millions of livres.

It was a singular disappointment to me that I could not take an exact survey of the fortifications, which are the strongest in the world, and which, since they were started by Philip, Count of Boulogne, have cost (as I learned from an engineer in Gascony) above a hundred million livres.


It is very remarkable, that at the _Tte de Gravelenes_, and where the town is naturally the weakest, they have expended the most money; so that the out-works stretch a great way into the campaign, and consequently occupy a large tract of ground --However, after all that is _said_ and _done_, it must be acknowledged that _Calais_ was never upon any account so considerable from itself, as from its situation, and that easy entrance which it gave our ancestors, upon all occasions, into _France_: it was not without its inconveniences also; being no less troublesome to the _English_ in those times, than _Dunkirk_ has been to us, in ours; so that it was deservedly looked upon as the key to both kingdoms, which no doubt is the reason that there have arisen so many contentions who should keep it: of these, the siege of _Calais_, or rather the blockade (for it was shut up both by land and sea), was the most memorable, as it withstood the efforts of _Edward_ the Third a whole year, and was not terminated at last but by famine and extreme misery; the gallantry of _Eustace de St. Pierre_, who first offered himself a victim for his fellow-citizens, has rank'd his name with heroes.

It is very remarkable that where the town is naturally the weakest, they have expended the most money; so that the out-works stretch a great way, and occupy a large area of ground.
However, when all is said and done, it must be acknowledged that Calais was never so important in itself, as from its situation, which gave our ancestors easy entrance into France. It was no less troublesome to the English in those times, than Dunkirk has been in ours; so that it was looked upon as the key to both kingdoms, which no doubt is the reason that there have arisen so many contentions about who should keep it.
Of these, the siege of Calais, or rather the blockade, was the most memorable, as it withstood the efforts of Edward the Third a whole year, and was only ended at last by famine and extreme misery. The gallantry of Eustace de St. Pierre, who offered himself as a victim for his fellow-citizens, has ranked his name with heroes.


As it will not take up above fifty pages, it would be injustice to the reader, not to give him a minute account of that romantic transaction, as well as of the siege itself, in _Rapin's_ own words:

As it will not take up above fifty pages, it would be unjust to the reader not to give him a detailed account of that romantic story, as well as of the siege itself, in Rapin's own words:


----Then, _Yorick_, replied my uncle _Toby_, you and I will lead the way abreast, ----and do you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us.

'Then, Yorick,' replied my uncle, 'you and I will lead the way, and you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us.'


----And _Susannah_, an' please your honour, said _Trim_, shall be put in the rear.

'And Susannah, an' please your honour,' said Trim, 'shall be put in the rear.'


----'Twas an excellent disposition, --and in this order, without either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my uncle _Toby's_ house to _Shandy-hall_.

In this order, without either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my uncle Toby's house to Shandy-Hall.


----I wish, said _Trim_, as they entered the door, --instead of the sash weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have done.

'I wish,' said Trim, as they entered, 'instead of the sash weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have done.'


--You have cut off spouts enow, replied _Yorick_.----

- 'You have cut off spouts enough,' replied Yorick.


My uncle _Toby's_ opinion, Madam, "that there could be no harm in _Cornelius Gallus_, the _Roman_ prtor's lying with his wife;" ----or rather the last word of that opinion, --(for it was all my mother heard of it) caught hold of her by the weak part of the whole sex: ----You shall not mistake me, --I mean her curiosity, --she instantly concluded herself the subject of the conversation, and with that prepossession upon her fancy, you will readily conceive every word my father said, was accommodated either to herself, or her family concerns.

My uncle Toby's opinion, Madam, 'that there could be no harm in Cornelius Gallus, the Roman praetor's lying with his wife;' - or rather the last word of it (for that was all my mother heard) caught hold of her by the weak part of the whole sex.
- Do not mistake me; I mean her curiosity. She instantly concluded that she was the subject of the conversation; and every word my father said, she applied to herself.


----Pray, Madam, in what street does the lady live, who would not have done the same?

Pray, Madam, what lady would not have done the same?


From the strange mode of _Cornelius's_ death, my father had made a transition to that of _Socrates_, and was giving my uncle _Toby_ an abstract of his pleading before his judges; ----'twas irresistible: ----not the oration of _Socrates_, --but my father's temptation to it.

From Cornelius's death, my father had gone on to that of Socrates, and was giving my uncle Toby an outline of his pleading before his judges; 'twas irresistible - not the speech of Socrates, but my father's temptation to it.


----He had wrote the Life of _Socrates_[5.1] himself the year before he left off trade, which, I fear, was the means of hastening him out of it; ----so that no one was able to set out with so full a sail, and in so swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon the occasion, as my father was.

He had wrote the Life of Socrates himself the year before he left off trade, which, I fear, was the means of hastening him out of it.
So no one was able to set out with so full a sail, and on so swelling a tide of heroic loftiness upon the subject, as my father.


Not a period in _Socrates's_ oration, which closed with a shorter word than _transmigration_, or _annihilation_, --or a worse thought in the middle of it than _to be--or not to be_, --the entering upon a new and untried state of things, --or, upon a long, a profound and peaceful sleep, without dreams, without disturbance?

Not a line in Socrates's speech ended with a shorter word than annihilation; there was not a worse thought in it than to be - or not to be - the entering upon a new and untried state of things, - or was it upon a profound and peaceful sleep, without disturbance?


----_That we and our children were born to die, --but neither of us born to be slaves_. ----No--there I mistake; that was part of _Eleazer's_ oration, as recorded by _Josephus_ (_de Bell. Judaic._)----_Eleazer_ owns he had it from the philosophers of _India_; in all likelihood _Alexander_ the Great, in his irruption into _India_, after he had over-run _Persia_, amongst the many things he stole, --stole that sentiment also; by which means it was carried, if not all the way by himself (for we all know he died at _Babylon_), at least by some of his maroders, into _Greece_, --from _Greece_ it got to _Rome_, --from _Rome_ to _France_, --and from _France_ to _England_: ----So things come round.----

That we and our children were born to die - but not born to be slaves - no - there I mistake; that was part of Eleazer's oration, as recorded by Josephus, which Eleazer had from the philosophers of India; in all likelihood Alexander the Great, in his invasion of India, stole that sentiment, amongst other things; so that it was carried, if not by himself (for we all know he died at Babylon), by some of his marauders, to Greece, then Rome, then France, and thence to England. So things come round.


By land carriage, I can conceive no other way.----

By land carriage; I can conceive no other way.


By water the sentiment might easily have come down the _Ganges_ into the _Sinus Gangeticus_, or _Bay of Bengal_, and so into the _Indian Sea_; and following the course of trade (the way from _India_ by the _Cape of Good Hope_ being then unknown), might be carried with other drugs and spices up the _Red Sea_ to _Joddah_, the port of _Mekka_, or else to _Tor_ or _Sues_, towns at the bottom of the gulf; and from thence by karrawans to _Coptos_, but three days' journey distant, so down the _Nile_ directly to _Alexandria_, where the SENTIMENT would be landed at the very foot of the great stair-case of the _Alexandrian_ library, ----and from that store-house it would be fetched.

By water the sentiment might easily have come down the Ganges into the Bay of Bengal, and so into the Indian Sea; and following the course of trade (the route by the Cape of Good Hope being then unknown), it might be carried with spices up the Red Sea to Joddah, or Sues, and from thence by caravans to Coptos, three days' journey distant, and so down the Nile directly to Alexandria, where the Sentiment would be landed at the very foot of the great stair-case of the Alexandrian library.


what a trade was driven by the learned in those days!


[Footnote 5.1: This book my father would never consent to publish; 'tis in manuscript, with some other tracts of his, in the family, all, or most of which will be printed in due time.]

[Note: My father's work on Socrates, which he never published, is in manuscript, with some other tracts which will be printed in due time.]


'Tis a pity, cried my father one winter's night, after a three hours' painful translation of _Slawkenbergius_----'tis a pity, cried my father, putting my mother's thread-paper into the book for a mark, as he spoke----that truth, brother _Toby_, should shut herself up in such impregnable fastnesses, and be so obstinate as not to surrender herself sometimes up upon the closest siege.----

''Tis a pity,' cried my father one winter's night, after three hours' painful translation of Slawkenbergius - ''tis a pity that truth, brother Toby, should shut herself up in such impregnable fortresses, and not surrender under the closest siege.'


Now it happened then, as indeed it had often done before, that my uncle _Toby's_ fancy, during the time of my father's explanation of _Prignitz_ to him------having nothing to stay it there, had taken a short flight to the bowling-green!

Now it happened then, as indeed it had often done before, that my uncle Toby's thoughts, during my father's explanation of Prignitz, had taken a short flight to the bowling-green!


------his body might as well have taken a turn there too--so that with all the semblance of a deep school-man intent upon the _medius terminus_------my uncle _Toby_ was in fact as ignorant of the whole lecture, and all its pros and cons, as if my father had been translating _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ from the _Latin_ tongue into the _Cherokee_.

His body might as well have taken a turn there too - for with all the appearance of being intent on the argument, my uncle Toby was in fact as ignorant of the whole lecture as if my father had been translating Slawkenbergius from Latin into Cherokee.


But the word _siege_, like a talismanic power, in my father's metaphor, wafting back my uncle _Toby's_ fancy, quick as a note could follow the touch--he open'd his ears----and my father observing that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and shuffled his chair nearer the table, as with a desire to profit--my father with great pleasure began his sentence again----changing only the plan, and dropping the metaphor of the siege of it, to keep clear of some dangers my father apprehended from it.

But the word siege, like a talismanic power, wafted through my uncle Toby's fancy - he opened his ears - and my father, observing that he took his pipe out of his mouth, and shuffled his chair nearer the table, - my father with great pleasure began his sentence again, only dropping the metaphor of the siege, to keep clear of some dangers he foresaw from it.


'Tis a pity, said my father, that truth can only be on one side, brother _Toby_------considering what ingenuity these learned men have all shewn in their solutions of noses.

''Tis a pity,' said my father, 'that truth can only be on one side, brother, considering what ingenuity these learned men have all shown in their solutions of noses.'


'Solutions? Can then noses be dissolved?'


------My father thrust back his chair------rose up--put on his hat------took four long strides to the door------jerked it open----thrust his head half way out----shut the door again----took no notice of the bad hinge----returned to the table--pluck'd my mother's thread-paper out of _Slawkenbergius's_ book------went hastily to his bureau--walked slowly back--twisted my mother's thread-paper about his thumb--unbutton'd his waistcoat--threw my mother's thread-paper into the fire----bit her sattin pin-cushion in two, fill'd his mouth with bran--confounded it; --but mark!

My father thrust back his chair - rose up - took four long strides to the door - jerked it open - shut it again - went hastily to his bureau - walked slowly back - threw his bookmark into the fire - bit my mother's satin pin-cushion in two, filling his mouth with bran - confounded it - but mark!


--the oath of confusion was levell'd at my uncle _Toby's_ brain--which was e'en confused enough already----the curse came charged only with the bran--the bran, may it please your honours, was no more than powder to the ball.

the oath of confusion was levelled at my uncle Toby's brain, which was confused enough already.


'Twas well my father's passions lasted not long; for so long as they did last, they led him a busy life on't; and it is one of the most unaccountable problems that ever I met with in my observations of human nature, that nothing should prove my father's mettle so much, or make his passions go off so like gunpowder, as the unexpected strokes his science met with from the quaint simplicity of my uncle _Toby's_ questions.

'Twas well my father's passions lasted not long; for so long as they did last, they led him a busy life; and nothing made his passions go off so like gunpowder, as the unexpected blows his science met with from the quaint simplicity of my uncle Toby's questions.


----Had ten dozen of hornets stung him behind in so many different places all at one time--he could not have exerted more mechanical functions in fewer seconds------or started half so much, as with one single _qure_ of three words unseasonably popping in full upon him in his hobby-horsical career.

Had ten dozen hornets stung him all at once, they could not have startled him half so much as one single query unseasonably popping in full upon him in his hobby-horsical career.


'Twas all one to my uncle _Toby_------he smoaked his pipe on with unvaried composure----his heart never intended offence to his brother--and as his head could seldom find out where the sting of it lay----he always gave my father the credit of cooling by himself.

'Twas all one to my uncle Toby - he smoked his pipe on with unvaried composure - he never intended offence to his brother - and as he could seldom find out where the sting lay, he always gave my father the chance of cooling by himself.


----He was five minutes and thirty-five seconds about it in the present case.

My father took five minutes and thirty-five seconds on this occasion.


By all that's good! said my father, swearing, as he came to himself, and taking the oath out of _Ernulphus's_ digest of curses----(though to do my father justice it was a fault (as he told Dr. _Slop_ in the affair of _Ernulphus_) which he as seldom committed as any man upon earth) ------By all that's good and great! brother _Toby_, said my father, if it was not for the aids of philosophy, which befriend one so much as they do--you would put a man beside all temper.

'By all that's good, brother Toby!' said he, eventually.


----Why, by the _solutions_ of noses, of which I was telling you, I meant, as you might have known, had you favoured me with one grain of attention, the various accounts which learned men of different kinds of knowledge have given the world of the causes of short and long noses.

'Why, by the solutions of noses, I meant, as you might have known, had you favoured me with one grain of attention, the various accounts which learned men give of the causes of short and long noses.'


----There is no cause but one, replied my uncle _Toby_----why one man's nose is longer than another's, but because that God pleases to have it so.

'There is no cause but one,' replied my uncle, 'why one man's nose is longer than another's: because God pleases to have it so.'


----That is _Grangousier's_ solution, said my father.

'That is Grangousier's solution,' said my father.


--'Tis he, continued my uncle _Toby_, looking up, and not regarding my father's interruption, who makes us all, and frames and puts us together in such forms and proportions, and for such ends, as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom.

''Tis he,' continued my uncle Toby, 'who makes us all, and puts us together in such proportions as is agreeable to his infinite wisdom.'


----'Tis a pious account, cried my father, but not philosophical----there is more religion in it than sound science.

''Tis a pious account,' cried my father, 'but not philosophical - there is more religion in it than science.'


'Twas no inconsistent part of my uncle _Toby's_ character----that he feared God, and reverenced religion.

Now my uncle Toby feared God, and reverenced religion.


----So the moment my father finished his remark----my uncle _Toby_ fell a whistling _Lillabullero_ with more zeal (though more out of tune) than usual.--

So the moment my father finished his remark, my uncle Toby fell a-whistling Lillabullero with more zeal (though more out of tune) than usual.


What is become of my wife's thread-paper?


When Corporal _Trim_ had brought his two mortars to bear, he was delighted with his handy-work above measure; and knowing what a pleasure it would be to his master to see them, he was not able to resist the desire he had of carrying them directly into his parlour.

When Corporal Trim had finished making his two mortars, he was delighted with his handy-work; and knowing how pleased his master would be to see them, he could not resist carrying them directly into the parlour.


Now next to the moral lesson I had in view in mentioning the affair of _hinges_, I had a speculative consideration arising out of it, and it is this.

Now besides the moral lesson I gave in the affair of hinges, I had another reason for mentioning it.


Had the parlour door opened and turn'd upon its hinges, as a door should do--

Had the parlour door opened and turned upon its hinges, as a door should do-


Or for example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its hinges----(that is, in case things have all along gone well with your worship, --otherwise I give up my simile)--in this case, I say, there had been no danger either to master or man, in Corporal _Trim's_ peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle _Toby_ fast asleep--the respectfulness of his carriage was such, he would have retired as silent as death, and left them both in their arm-chairs, dreaming as happy as he had found them: but the thing was, morally speaking, so very impracticable, that for the many years in which this hinge was suffered to be out of order, and amongst the hourly grievances my father submitted to upon its account--this was one; that he never folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts of being unavoidably awakened by the first person who should open the door, was always uppermost in his imagination, and so incessantly stepp'd in betwixt him and the first balmy presage of his repose, as to rob him, as he often declared, of the whole sweets of it.

For example, as cleverly as our government has been turning upon its hinges - in this case, there would have been no danger in Corporal Trim's peeping in: the moment he had beheld my father and my uncle Toby fast asleep, he would have respectfully retired in silence and left them both in their armchairs, dreaming happily.
However, during the many years in which this hinge was out of order, amongst the hourly grievances my father held about it, was this one; that he never folded his arms to take his nap after dinner, without thinking that he would be unavoidably awakened by the first person who should open the door. This thought so often stepped in betwixt him and his balmy repose, as to rob him, as he declared, of the enjoyment of it.


"_When things move upon bad hinges_, an' please your lordships, _how can it be otherwise?_"


cried my father, waking, the moment the door began to creak.

cried my father, waking the moment the door began to creak.


----I wish the smith would give a peep at that confounded hinge.

'I wish the smith would look at that confounded hinge.'


----'Tis nothing, an' please your honour, said _Trim_, but two mortars I am bringing in.

''Tis nothing, your honour,' said Trim, 'but two mortars I am bringing in.'


--They shan't make a clatter with them here, cried my father hastily.

'Don't make a clatter with them here,' cried my father.


--If Dr. _Slop_ has any drugs to pound, let him do it in the kitchen.

'If Dr. Slop has drugs to pound, let him do it in the kitchen.'


--May it please your honour, cried _Trim_, they are two mortar-pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of jack-boots, which _Obadiah_ told me your honour had left off wearing.

'May it please your honour,' cried Trim, 'they are two mortar-pieces for a siege next summer, which I have been making out of a pair of jack-boots, which Obadiah told me your honour had stopped wearing.'


cried my father, springing out of his chair, as he swore ----I have not one appointment belonging to me, which I set so much store by as I do by these jack-boots----they were our great grandfather's, brother _Toby_--they were _hereditary_.

cried my father, springing out of his chair. 'I have nothing which I value so much as those jack-boots - they were our great grandfather's, they are an inheritance.'


Then I fear, quoth my uncle _Toby_, _Trim_ has cut off the entail.

'Then I fear,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'that Trim has cut off the entail.'


--I have only cut off the tops, an' please your honour, cried _Trim_ ----I hate _perpetuities_ as much as any man alive, cried my father----but these jack-boots, continued he (smiling, though very angry at the same time) have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil wars; ----Sir _Roger Shandy_ wore them at the battle of _Marston-Moor_.

'I have only cut off the tops, your honour,' cried Trim.
'These jack-boots,' cried my father, (smiling, though very angry at the same time) 'have been in the family, brother, ever since the civil wars. Sir Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marston-Moor.


--I declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them.

I declare I would not have taken ten pounds for them.'


----I'll pay you the money, brother _Shandy_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket as he viewed them ----I'll pay you the ten pounds this moment with all my heart and soul.----

'I'll pay you the money, brother,' quoth my uncle Toby, looking at the two mortars with infinite pleasure, and putting his hand into his breeches pocket.


Brother _Toby_, replied my father, altering his tone, you care not what money you dissipate and throw away, provided, continued he, 'tis but upon a SIEGE.

'Brother Toby,' replied my father, 'you care not what money you throw away, provided 'tis upon a Siege.'


----Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay?

'Have I not one hundred and twenty pounds a year, besides my half pay?'


--What is that--replied my father hastily--to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots?

'What is that,' replied my father, 'to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots?


--twelve guineas for your _pontoons?_ --half as much for your _Dutch_ draw-bridge?

Twelve guineas for your pontoons? Half as much for your Dutch draw-bridge?


--to say nothing of the train of little brass artillery you bespoke last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of _Messina_: believe me, dear brother _Toby_, continued my father, taking him kindly by the hand--these military operations of yours are above your strength; --you mean well, brother----but they carry you into greater expences than you were first aware of; --and take my word, dear _Toby_, they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, and make a beggar of you.

- to say nothing of the train of brass artillery you ordered last week, with twenty other preparations for the siege of Messina. Believe me, dear brother,' continued my father, taking him kindly by the hand, 'these military operations carry you into greater expenses than you were first aware of; and my dear Toby, they will in the end make a beggar of you.'