--What signifies it if they do, brother, replied my uncle _Toby_, so long as we know 'tis for the good of the nation?----

'What does it matter, brother,' replied my uncle Toby, 'so long as we know 'tis for the good of the nation?'


My father could not help smiling for his soul--his anger at the worst was never more than a spark; --and the zeal and simplicity of _Trim_--and the generous (though hobby-horsical) gallantry of my uncle _Toby_, brought him into perfect good humour with them in an instant.

My father could not help smiling - his anger was never more than a spark; and the zeal and simplicity of Trim, and the generous (though hobby-horsical) gallantry of my uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour with them both.


--God prosper you both, and your mortar-pieces too!

God prosper you, and your mortar-pieces!'


My mother had gone with her left arm twisted in my father's right, till they had got to the fatal angle of the old garden wall, where Doctor _Slop_ was overthrown by _Obadiah_ on the coach-horse: as this was directly opposite to the front of Mrs. _Wadman's_ house, when my father came to it, he gave a look across; and seeing my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal within ten paces of the door, he turn'd about---- "Let us just stop a moment, quoth my father, and see with what ceremonies my brother _Toby_ and his man _Trim_ make their first entry----it will not detain us, added my father, a single minute:" ----No matter, if it be ten minutes, quoth my mother.
----It will not detain us half one; said my father.

My mother had gone with her left arm twisted in my father's right, till they were directly opposite the front of Mrs. Wadman's house. My father looked across; and seeing my uncle Toby and the corporal within ten paces of the door, he said,
'Let us just stop a moment, and see how my brother Toby and his man Trim make their first entry - it will not detain us a minute.'
'No matter if it be ten minutes,' quoth my mother.


The corporal was just then setting in with the story of his brother _Tom_ and the _Jew's_ widow: the story went on--and on----it had episodes in it----it came back, and went on----and on again; there was no end of it----the reader found it very long----

The corporal was just then starting the story of his brother Tom and the Jew's widow: the story went on - and on - and on again; there was no end of it.


he pish'd fifty times at every new attitude, and gave the corporal's stick, with all its flourishings and dangling, to as many devils as chose to accept of them.

he pished fifty times, and wished the corporal's stick, with all its flourishings, at the devil.


When issues of events like these my father is waiting for, are hanging in the scales of fate, the mind has the advantage of changing the principle of expectation three times, without which it would not have power to see it out.

When events like these my father is waiting for, are hanging in the scales of fate, the mind changes its expectations; without this it would not have power to see it out.


Curiosity governs the _first moment_; and the second moment is all conomy to justify the expence of the first----and for the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and so on to the day of judgment--'tis a point of HONOUR.

Curiosity governs the first moment; and the second moment is all economy to justify the expense of the first - and for the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth moments, and so on - 'tis a point of Honour.


I need not be told, that the ethic writers have assigned this all to Patience; but that VIRTUE, methinks, has extent of dominion sufficient of her own, and enough to do in it, without invading the few dismantled castles which HONOUR has left him upon the earth.

Writers have assigned all this to Patience; but that Virtue, methinks, has enough power without invading the few dismantled castles which Honour has left upon the earth.


My father stood it out as well as he could with these three auxiliaries to the end of _Trim's_ story; and from thence to the end of my uncle _Toby's_ panegyrick upon arms, in the chapter following it; when seeing, that instead of marching up to Mrs. _Wadman's_ door, they both faced about and march'd down the avenue diametrically opposite to his expectation--he broke out at once with that little subacid soreness of humour which, in certain situations, distinguished his character from that of all other men.

My father stood it out as well as he could to the end of Trim's story; and then to the end of my uncle Toby's speech upon arms; when, seeing that instead of marching up to Mrs. Wadman's door, they both turned around and marched down the avenue in the opposite direction - he broke out at once with that little subacid soreness of humour which distinguished his character from that of other men.


What a tract of country have I run over!


--how many degrees nearer to the warm sun am I advanced, and how many fair and goodly cities have I seen, during the time you have been reading, and reflecting, Madam, upon this story!

how much nearer to the warm sun have I advanced, and how many goodly cities have I seen, while you have been reading, Madam!


There's FONTAINBLEAU, and SENS, and JOIGNY, and AUXERRE, and DIJON the capital of _Burgundy_, and CHALLON, and _Mcon_ the capital of the _Mconese_, and a score more upon the road to LYONS----and now I have run them over ----I might as well talk to you of so many market towns in the moon, as tell you one word about them: it will be this chapter at the least, if not both this and the next entirely lost, do what I will----

There's Fontainebleau, and Sens, and Joigny, and Auxerre, and Dijon, and Mcon, and a score more upon the road to Lyons - and I might as well talk to you of so many market towns in the moon, as tell you one word about them: this chapter, if not the next too, will be entirely lost, do what I will-


----Why, 'tis a strange story! _Tristram._


Madam, had it been upon some melancholy lecture of the cross--the peace of meekness, or the contentment of resignation ----I had not been incommoded: or had I thought of writing it upon the purer abstractions of the soul, and that food of wisdom and holiness and contemplation, upon which the spirit of man (when separated from the body) is to subsist for ever ----You would have come with a better appetite from it----

Madam, had it been upon some melancholy lecture of the cross - the peace of resignation - it would not have been difficult: or had I thought of writing upon wisdom and holiness - you would have come with a better appetite from it-


----I wish I never had wrote it: but as I never blot anything out----let us use some honest means to get it out of our heads directly.

- I wish I never had wrote it: but as I never blot anything out, let us use some honest means to get it out of our heads directly.


----Pray reach me my fool's cap ----I fear you sit upon it, Madam---- 'tis under the cushion ----I'll put it on----

Pray reach me my fool's cap - I fear you sit upon it, Madam - 'tis under the cushion-


you have had it upon your head this half hour.'


Fa-ra diddle di and a fa-ri diddle d and a high-dum--dye-dum fiddle - - - dumb - c.

Fa-ra diddle di
and a fa-ri diddle d
and a high-dum - dye-dum
fiddle - dumb - c.


And now, Madam, we may venture, I hope, a little to go on.

And now, Madam, we may venture to go on.


It was like the momentary contest in the moist eye-lids of an _April_ morning, "Whether _Bridget_ should laugh or cry."

Bridget did not know whether to laugh or cry.


She snatched up a rolling-pin----'twas ten to one, she had laugh'd----
She laid it down----she cried; and had one single tear of 'em but tasted of bitterness, full sorrowful would the corporal's heart have been that he had used the argument; but the corporal understood the sex, a _quart major to a terce_ at least, better than my uncle _Toby_, and accordingly he assailed Mrs. _Bridget_ after this manner.

She snatched up a rolling-pin - 'twas ten to one, she had laughed - She laid it down - she cried; and had one single tear tasted of bitterness, full sorrowful would the corporal's heart have been; but he understood the sex better than my uncle Toby at least, and so he assailed Mrs. Bridget after this manner.


I know, Mrs. _Bridget_, said the corporal, giving her a most respectful kiss, that thou art good and modest by nature, and art withal so generous a girl in thyself, that, if I know thee rightly, thou would'st not wound an insect, much less the honour of so gallant and worthy a soul as my master, wast thou sure to be made a countess of----but thou hast been set on, and deluded, dear _Bridget_, as is often a woman's case, "to please others more than themselves----"

'I know, Mrs. Bridget,' said he, giving her a most respectful kiss, 'that thou art good and modest by nature, and art so generous a girl that thou would'st not wound an insect, much less the honour of so gallant a soul as my master - but thou hast been deluded, dear Bridget, as is often a woman's case, "to please others more than themselves."'


_Bridget's_ eyes poured down at the sensations the corporal excited.

Bridget's eyes poured down at the sensations the corporal excited.


----Tell me----tell me, then, my dear _Bridget_, continued the corporal, taking hold of her hand, which hung down dead by her side, ----and, giving a second kiss----whose suspicion has misled thee?

'Tell me, then, my dear Bridget,' continued the corporal, taking hold of her hand, and giving a second kiss - 'whose suspicion has misled thee?'


_Bridget_ sobb'd a sob or two----then open'd her eyes----the corporal wiped 'em with the bottom of her apron----she then open'd her heart and told him all.

Bridget sobbed a sob or two - then opened her eyes - the corporal wiped 'em with her apron - she then opened her heart and told him all.


As I perceived the commissary of the post-office would have his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing upon the occasion, worth the money:

As I perceived the messenger would have his six livres four sous, I had nothing else for it, but to say some smart thing worth the money:


----And pray, Mr. Commissary, by what law of courtesy is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from what you use a _Frenchman_ in this matter?

'Pray, sir, why is a defenceless stranger to be used just the reverse from how you use a Frenchman in this matter?'


Excuse me; said I--for you have begun, Sir, with first tearing off my breeches--and now you want my pocket----

'Excuse me,' said I; 'for you have begun by tearing off my breeches - and now you want my pocket.


Whereas--had you first taken my pocket, as you do with your own people--and then left me bare a--'d after --I had been a beast to have complain'd----

Whereas - if you had first taken my pocket, as you do with your own people - and then left me bare a__'d, - I would have been a beast to have complained.


As it is----
----'Tis contrary to the _law of nature_.

'As it is- ''tis contrary to the law of nature.


But not to this----said he--putting a printed paper into my hand,

'But not to this,' said he, putting a printed paper into my hand:


----By all which it appears, quoth I, having read it over, a little too rapidly, that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from _Paris_--he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his life--or pay for it.

'By which it appears,' quoth I, having read it over a little too rapidly, 'that if a man sets out in a post-chaise from Paris - he must go on travelling in one, all the days of his life - or pay for it.'


--Excuse me, said the commissary, the spirit of the ordinance is this --That if you set out with an intention of running post from _Paris_ to _Avignon_, &c., you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling, without first satisfying the fermiers for two posts further than the place you repent at--and 'tis founded, continued he, upon this, that the REVENUES are not to fall short through your _fickleness_----

'Excuse me,' said he, 'it means this: that if you set out with an intention of going post from Paris to Avignon, you shall not change that intention or mode of travelling, without first satisfying the fermiers for two posts further than the place you repent at. The Revenues are not to fall short through your fickleness.'


cried I--if fickleness is taxable in _France_--we have nothing to do but to make the best peace with you we can----

cried I, 'if fickleness is taxable in France - we have nothing to do but to make the best peace with you we can-'


----And if it is a bad one--as _Tristram Shandy_ laid the corner-stone of it--nobody but _Tristram Shandy_ ought to be hanged.

And if it is a bad one - as Tristram Shandy laid the corner-stone of it, nobody but Tristram Shandy ought to be hanged.


It was not an easy matter in any king's reign (unless you were as lean a subject as myself) to have forced your hand diagonally, quite across your whole body, so as to gain the bottom of your opposite coat pocket.

It was not an easy matter in any king's reign to force your hand diagonally across your whole body to reach the bottom of your opposite coat pocket.


----In the year one thousand seven hundred and eighteen, when this happened, it was extremely difficult; so that when my uncle _Toby_ discovered the transverse zig-zaggery of my father's approaches towards it, it instantly brought into his mind those he had done duty in, before the gate of _St. Nicolas_; ----the idea of which drew off his attention so entirely from the subject in debate, that he had got his right hand to the bell to ring up _Trim_ to go and fetch his map of _Namur_, and his compasses and sector along with it, to measure the returning angles of the traverses of that attack, --but particularly of that one, where he received his wound upon his groin.

- In the year 1718, when this happened, it was extremely difficult; so that when my uncle Toby discovered the zig-zaggery of my father's approaches, it instantly brought into his mind those moves he had made before the gate of St. Nicolas; the idea of which distracted him so much, that he was about to ring the bell for Trim to go and fetch his map of Namur, in order to measure the angles of that attack - particularly the one where he received his wound upon his groin.


My father knit his brows, and as he knit them, all the blood in his body seemed to rush up into his face----my uncle _Toby_ dismounted immediately.

My father knit his brows, and all the blood in his body rushed up into his face. - My uncle Toby dismounted immediately.


----I did not apprehend your uncle _Toby_ was o' horseback.------

- I did not realise your uncle Toby was on horseback.-


It is a great inconvenience to a man in a haste, that there are three distinct roads between _Calais_ and _Paris_, in behalf of which there is so much to be said by the several deputies from the towns which lie along them, that half a day is easily lost in settling which you'll take.

It is a great inconvenience to a man in a hurry, that there are three distinct roads between Calais and Paris, and there is so much to be said about them by the deputies from the towns which lie along them, that half a day is easily lost in settling which you'll take.


First, the road by _Lisle_ and _Arras_, which is the most about----but most interesting and instructing.

First, the road by Lisle and Arras, which is the most round-about - but most interesting.


The second, that by _Amiens_, which you may go, if you would see _Chantilly_----

The second, that by Amiens, which you may go if you would see Chantilly.


And that by _Beauvais_, which you may go, if you will.

And that by Beauvais, which you may go if you wish.


For this reason a great many chuse to go by _Beauvais_.

For this reason a great many choose to go by Beauvais.


On the fifth day of _November_, 1718, which to the ra fixed on, was as near nine calendar months as any husband could in reason have expected, --was I _Tristram Shandy_, Gentleman, brought forth into this scurvy and disasterous world of ours.

On the fifth day of November, 1718, which was as near nine months as any husband could reasonably expect, I, Tristram Shandy, Gentleman, was brought forth into this scurvy and disastrous world of ours.


----I wish I had been born in the Moon, or in any of the planets (except _Jupiter_ or _Saturn_, because I never could bear cold weather) for it could not well have fared worse with me in any of them (though I will not answer for _Venus_) than it has in this vile, dirty planet of ours, --which, o' my conscience, with reverence be it spoken, I take to be made up of the shreds and clippings of the rest; ----not but the planet is well enough, provided a man could be born in it to a great title or to a great estate; or could any how contrive to be called up to publick charges, and employments of dignity or power; ----but that is not my case; ----and therefore every man will speak of the fair as his own market has gone in it; ------for which cause I affirm it over again to be one of the vilest worlds that ever was made; --for I can truly say, that from the first hour I drew my breath in it, to this, that I can now scarce draw it at all, for an asthma I got in scating against the wind in _Flanders_; --I have been the continual sport of what the world calls Fortune; and though I will not wrong her by saying, She has ever made me feel the weight of any great or signal evil; ----yet with all the good temper in the world, I affirm it of her, that in every stage of my life, and at every turn and corner where she could get fairly at me, the ungracious duchess has pelted me with a set of as pitiful misadventures and cross accidents as ever small HERO sustained.

- I wish I had been born on the Moon, or in any of the planets, for it could not have fared worse with me than it has in this vile, dirty planet of ours, which I take to be made up of the shreds and clippings of the rest.
This planet is well enough, if a man is born to a great title or a great estate; or has employment of dignity or power; but that is not my case; and so I say again it is one of the vilest worlds that ever was made; for truly, from the first hour I drew my breath, to now, when I can scarce draw breath at all, because of an asthma I got in skating against the wind in Flanders, I have been the continual plaything of Fortune. Though I cannot say she has ever done me any great evil, yet I affirm that in every stage of my life, and at every turn and corner where she could get at me, the ungracious duchess has pelted me with a set of as pitiful misadventures and cross accidents as ever small Hero sustained.


"--What prodigious armies you had in _Flanders!_"----

'- What prodigious armies you had in Flanders!'


Brother _Toby_, replied my father, taking his wig from off his head with his right hand, and with his _left_ pulling out a striped _India_ handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in order to rub his head, as he argued the point with my uncle _Toby_.----

replied my father, taking his wig off his head with his right hand, and with his left hand pulling out a striped handkerchief from his right coat pocket, in order to rub his head.


----Now, in this I think my father was much to blame; and I will give you my reasons for it.

Now, in this I think my father was much to blame; and I will tell you why.


Matters of no more seeming consequence in themselves than, "_Whether my father should have taken off his wig with his right hand or with his left_," ----have divided the greatest kingdoms, and made the crowns of the monarchs who governed them, to totter upon their heads.

Matters of no more seeming consequence than 'Whether my father should have taken off his wig with his right hand or his left,' have divided the greatest kingdoms, and made their monarchs' crowns totter upon their heads.


----But need I tell you, Sir, that the circumstances with which every thing in this world is begirt, give every thing in this world its size and shape!


--and by tightening it, or relaxing it, this way or that, make the thing to be, what it is--great--little--good--bad--indifferent or not indifferent, just as the case happens?


As my father's _India_ handkerchief was in his right coat pocket, he should by no means have suffered his right hand to have got engaged: on the contrary, instead of taking off his wig with it, as he did, he ought to have committed that entirely to the left; and then, when the natural exigency my father was under of rubbing his head, called out for his handkerchief, he would have had nothing in the world to have done, but to have put his right hand into his right coat pocket and taken it out; ----which he might have done without any violence, or the least ungraceful twist in any one tendon or muscle of his whole body

As my father's handkerchief was in his right coat pocket, he should not have taken off his wig with his right hand, but with his left; and then, when the rubbing of his head called for his handkerchief, he could have put his right hand into his right coat pocket to take it out without the least violent or ungraceful twist of his body.


In this case, (unless, indeed, my father had been resolved to make a fool of himself by holding the wig stiff in his left hand----or by making some nonsensical angle or other at his elbow-joint, or arm-pit)--his whole attitude had been easy--natural--unforced: _Reynolds_ himself, as great and gracefully as he paints, might have painted him as he sat.

In this case, (unless my father had been resolved to make a fool of himself by bending his elbow at some nonsensical angle) - his whole attitude would have been easy - natural - unforced: Reynolds himself might have painted him as he sat.


Now as my father managed this matter, --consider what a devil of a figure my father made of himself.

Now, consider what a devil of a figure my father made of himself.


In the latter end of Queen _Anne's_ reign, and in the beginning of the reign of King _George_ the first-- "_Coat pockets were cut very low down in the skirt_."

In the latter end of Queen Anne's reign, and in the beginning of King George's, coat pockets were cut very low down in the skirt.


--I need say no more--the father of mischief, had he been hammering at it a month, could not have contrived a worse fashion for one in my father's situation.

I need say no more - the devil himself could not have contrived a worse fashion for one in my father's situation.


said I, with the air of a man, who had got thro' all his difficulties----nothing can prevent us seeing that, and the _Chinese_ history, &c., except the time, said _Franois_----for 'tis almost eleven --Then we must speed the faster, said I, striding it away to the cathedral.

said I - 'nothing can prevent us seeing that, and the Chinese history.'
'Except the time,' said Franois, 'for 'tis almost eleven.'
'Then we must speed the faster,' said I, striding away to the cathedral.


I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern in being told by one of the minor canons, as I was entering the west door, --That _Lippius's_ great clock was all out of joints, and had not gone for some years ----It will give me the more time, thought I, to peruse the _Chinese_ history; and besides I shall be able to give the world a better account of the clock in its decay, than I could have done in its flourishing condition----

I cannot say, in my heart, that it gave me any concern in being told, as I was entering the west door, that Lippius's great clock had not worked for some years.
'It will give me more time,' thought I, 'to peruse the Chinese history; and besides, I shall be able to give the world an account of the clock in its decay.'


----And so away I posted to the college of the Jesuits.

-And so away I hurried to the Jesuit college.


Now it is with the project of getting a peep at the history of _China_ in _Chinese_ characters--as with many others I could mention, which strike the fancy only at a distance; for as I came nearer and nearer to the point--my blood cool'd--the freak gradually went off, till at length I would not have given a cherrystone to have it gratified ------The truth was, my time was short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers ----I wish to God, said I, as I got the rapper in my hand, that the key of the library may be but lost; it fell out as well------

Now, like many projects, the wish of getting a peep at the history of China in Chinese, struck the fancy only at a distance; - for as I came nearer to the point, my wish cooled, till at length I would not have given a cherrystone to have it gratified. My time was short, and my heart was at the Tomb of the Lovers.
'I wish to God,' said I, as I knocked, 'that the key of the library may be lost.'
It ended just as well-


_For all the JESUITS had got the cholic_--and to that degree, as never was known in the memory of the oldest practitioner.


If I was not morally sure that the reader must be out of all patience for my uncle _Toby's_ character, ----I would here previously have convinced him that there is no instrument so fit to draw such a thing with, as that which I have pitch'd upon.

If I was not sure that the reader must be impatient to hear my uncle Toby's character, I would here convince him that there is no instrument so fit to draw such a thing with, as a Hobby-Horse.


A man and his HOBBY-HORSE, tho' I cannot say that they act and re-act exactly after the same manner in which the soul and body do upon each other: Yet doubtless there is a communication between them of some kind; and my opinion rather is, that there is something in it more of the manner of electrified bodies, --and that, by means of the heated parts of the rider, which come immediately into contact with the back of the HOBBY-HORSE, --by long journeys and much friction, it so happens, that the body of the rider is at length fill'd as full of HOBBY-HORSICAL matter as it can hold; ----so that if you are able to give but a clear description of the nature of the one, you may form a pretty exact notion of the genius and character of the other.

A man and his Hobby-Horse, though they may not act on each other in exactly the same way as the soul and body do, yet doubtless have a communication between them of some kind; and my opinion is, that it is in the manner of electrified bodies, and that, by means of the heated parts of the rider coming into contact with the back of the Hobby-Horse, by long journeys and much friction, the body of the rider is at length filled with as much Hobby-Horsical matter as it can hold. So if you are able to give a clear description of the nature of the one, you may form a pretty exact notion of the character of the other.


Now the HOBBY-HORSE which my uncle _Toby_ always rode upon, was in my opinion a HOBBY-HORSE well worth giving a description of, if it was only upon the score of his great singularity; --for you might have travelled from _York_ to _Dover_, --from _Dover_ to _Penzance_ in _Cornwall_, and from _Penzance_ to _York_ back again, and not have seen such another upon the road; or if you had seen such a one, whatever haste you had been in, you must infallibly have stopp'd to have taken a view of him.

Now the Hobby-Horse which my uncle Toby always rode, was in my opinion well worth describing because of its uniqueness; - for you might have travelled from York to Dover to Penzance, and not have seen one like it.


Indeed, the gait and figure of him was so strange, and so utterly unlike was he, from his head to his tail, to any one of the whole species, that it was now and then made a matter of dispute, ----whether he was really a HOBBY-HORSE or no: but as the Philosopher would use no other argument to the Sceptic, who disputed with him against the reality of motion, save that of rising up upon his legs, and walking across the room; --so would my uncle _Toby_ use no other argument to prove his HOBBY-HORSE was a HOBBY-HORSE indeed, but by getting upon his back and riding him about; --leaving the world, after that, to determine the point as it thought fit.

Indeed, so strange, and so utterly unlike any of the species was he, that it might be disputed whether he was really a Hobby-Horse at all: but it was proved by my uncle Toby's getting upon his back and riding him about.


In good truth, my uncle _Toby_ mounted him with so much pleasure, and he carried my uncle _Toby_ so well, ----that he troubled his head very little with what the world either said or thought about it.

In truth, my uncle Toby mounted him with so much pleasure, and he carried my uncle so well, - that he cared very little what the world thought about it.


It is now high time, however, that I give you a description of him: --But to go on regularly, I only beg you will give me leave to acquaint you first, how my uncle _Toby_ came by him.

It is now high time, however, that I give you a description of him. But first, just let me acquaint you with how my uncle Toby came by him.


To my uncle Mr. _Toby Shandy_ do I stand indebted for the preceding anecdote, to whom my father, who was an excellent natural philosopher, and much given to close reasoning upon the smallest matters, had oft, and heavily complained of the injury; but once more particularly, as my uncle _Toby_ well remember'd, upon his observing a most unaccountable obliquity (as he call'd it) in my manner of setting up my top, and justifying the principles upon which I had done it, --the old gentleman shook his head, and in a tone more expressive by half of sorrow than reproach, --he said his heart all along foreboded, and he saw it verified in this, and from a thousand other observations he had made upon me, That I should neither think nor act like any other man's child: --_But alas!_ continued he, shaking his head a second time, and wiping away a tear which was trickling down his cheeks, _My Tristram's misfortunes began nine months before ever he came into the world_.

I owe the preceding anecdote to my uncle Mr. Toby Shandy, to whom my father had oft and heavily complained of the injury. Once, particularly, as my uncle Toby remembered - upon my father's observing a most unaccountable slant in my manner of setting up my spinning-top, the old gentleman shook his head, and in a sorrowful tone said his heart had all along foreboded that I should neither think nor act like any other child.
'Alas!' continued he, wiping a tear from his cheeks, 'my Tristram's misfortunes began nine months before ever he came into the world.'


--My mother, who was sitting by, look'd up, --but she knew no more than her backside what my father meant, --but my uncle, Mr. _Toby Shandy_, who had been often informed of the affair, --understood him very well.

My mother, who was sitting by, looked up, but she knew no more than her backside what my father meant. However, my uncle, Mr. Toby Shandy, who had been often informed of the affair, understood him very well.


The corporal had not taken his measures so badly in this stroke of artilleryship, but that he might have kept the matter entirely to himself, and left _Susannah_ to have sustained the whole weight of the attack, as she could; --true courage is not content with coming off so.

The corporal might have kept the matter entirely to himself, and left Susannah to have sustained the whole weight of blame; but true courage is not content with coming off so.


----The corporal, whether as general or comptroller of the train, --'twas no matter, ----had done that, without which, as he imagined, the misfortune could never have happened, --_at least in_ Susannah's _hands_; ----How would your honours have behaved?

Trim imagined that the misfortune would never have happened, but for what he had done. - How would your honours have behaved?


----He determined at once, not to take shelter behind _Susannah_, --but to give it; and with this resolution upon his mind, he marched upright into the parlour, to lay the whole _manuvre_ before my uncle _Toby_.

He determined not to take shelter behind Susannah, but to give it; and with this resolution, he marched upright into the parlour, to lay the whole manoeuvre before my uncle Toby.


My uncle _Toby_ had just then been giving _Yorick_ an account of the battle of _Steenkirk_, and of the strange conduct of count _Solmes_ in ordering the foot to halt, and the horse to march where it could not act; which was directly contrary to the king's commands, and proved the loss of the day.

My uncle Toby had just been giving Yorick an account of the battle of Steenkirk, and of the strange conduct of Count Solmes in ordering the footsoldiers to halt, and the cavalry to march; which was directly contrary to the king's commands, and proved the loss of the day.


There are incidents in some families so pat to the purpose of what is going to follow, --they are scarce exceeded by the invention of a dramatic writer; --I mean of ancient days.------


_Trim_, by the help of his forefinger, laid flat upon the table, and the edge of his hand striking across it at right angles, made a shift to tell his story so, that priests and virgins might have listened to it; --and the story being told, --the dialogue went on as follows.

Trim, by the help of his forefinger, laid flat upon the table, and the edge of his hand striking across it at right angles, managed to tell his story so that priests and virgins might have listened to it; and the story being told - the dialogue went on as follows.


Mrs. _Bridget_ had pawn'd all the little stock of honour a poor chambermaid was worth in the world, that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days; and it was built upon one of the most concessible _postulata_ in nature: namely, that whilst my uncle _Toby_ was making love to her mistress, the corporal could find nothing better to do, than make love to her---- "_And I'll let him as much as he will_, said _Bridget_, _to get it out of him_."

Mrs. Bridget had pawned all a chambermaid's little stock of honour that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days; assuming that whilst my uncle Toby was making love to her mistress, the corporal would make love to her.
'And I'll let him as much as he likes,' said Bridget, 'to get it out of him.'


Friendship has two garments; an outer and an under one.


_Bridget_ was serving her mistress's interests in the one--and doing the thing which most pleased herself in the other; so had as many stakes depending upon my uncle _Toby's_ wound, as the Devil himself ----Mrs. _Wadman_ had but one--and as it possibly might be her last (without discouraging Mrs. _Bridget_, or discrediting her talents) was determined to play her cards herself.

Bridget was serving her mistress's interests in the one - and doing the thing which most pleased herself in the other. However, with so many stakes depending upon my uncle Toby's wound, Mrs. Wadman (without discouraging Mrs. Bridget) was determined to play her cards herself.


She wanted not encouragement: a child might have look'd into his hand----there was such a plainness and simplicity in his playing out what trumps he had----with such an unmistrusting ignorance of the _ten-ace_----and so naked and defenceless did he sit upon the same sopha with widow _Wadman_, that a generous heart would have wept to have won the game of him.

A child might have looked into my uncle Toby's hand - there was such a plainness and simplicity in his playing what trumps he had - with such an innocent ignorance of the ten-ace - and so naked and defenceless did he sit upon the sofa with widow Wadman, that a generous heart would have wept to have won the game from him.


----"Not touch it for the world," did I say----

'Not touch it for the world,' did I say-


Lord, how I have heated my imagination with this metaphor!


My father had such a skirmishing, cutting kind of a slashing way with him, in his disputations, thrusting and ripping, and giving every one a stroke to remember him by in his turn--that if there were twenty people in company--in less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of 'em against him.

My father had such a skirmishing, slashing way with him, in his arguments - thrusting and ripping, and giving everyone a stroke to remember him by - that if there were twenty people in company, in less than half an hour he was sure to have every one of 'em against him.


What did not a little contribute to leave him thus without an ally, was, that if there was any one post more untenable than the rest, he would be sure to throw himself into it; and to do him justice, when he was once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that 'twould have been a concern, either to a brave man or a good-natured one, to have seen him driven out.

Moreover, if there was any position more untenable than the rest, he would be sure to throw himself into it; and once there, he would defend it so gallantly, that 'twould have been difficult for a brave man to drive him out.


_Yorick_, for this reason, though he would often attack him--yet could never bear to do it with all his force.

Yorick, for this reason, though he would often attack him, could never bear to do it with all his force.


Doctor _Slop's_ VIRGINITY, in the close of the last chapter, had got him for once on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in _Christendom_ about _Slop's_ ears, when corporal _Trim_ came into the parlour to inform my uncle _Toby_, that his thin scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs. _Wadman_, would not do; for that the taylor, in ripping them up, in order to turn them, had found they had been turn'd before ----Then turn them again, brother, said my father, rapidly, for there will be many a turning of 'em yet before all's done in the affair ----They are as rotten as dirt, said the corporal ----Then by all means, said my father, bespeak a new pair, brother----for though I know, continued my father, turning himself to the company, that widow _Wadman_ has been deeply in love with my brother _Toby_ for many years, and has used every art and circumvention of woman to outwit him into the same passion, yet now that she has caught him----her fever will be pass'd its height----
----She has gain'd her point.

Doctor Slop's Virginity, in the close of the last chapter, had got him on the right side of the rampart; and he was beginning to blow up all the convents in Christendom about Slop's ears, when corporal Trim came into the parlour to inform my uncle Toby that his thin scarlet breeches, in which the attack was to be made upon Mrs. Wadman, would not do; for the tailor, about to turn them, had found they had been turned before.
'Then turn them again, brother,' said my father, 'for there will be many a turning of 'em yet before all's done.'
'They are as rotten as dirt,' said the corporal.
'Then order a new pair,' said my father; 'for though I know,' he continued, turning to the company, 'that widow Wadman has been deeply in love with my brother Toby for many years, and has used every art of woman to outwit him into the same passion - yet now that she has caught him, her fever will be past its height - she has gained her point.


In this case, continued my father, which _Plato_, I am persuaded, never thought of ----Love, you see, is not so much a SENTIMENT as a SITUATION, into which a man enters, as my brother _Toby_ would do, into a _corps_----no matter whether he loves the service or no----being once in it--he acts as if he did; and takes every step to shew himself a man of prowesse.

'In this case,' he continued, 'Love is not so much a Sentiment as a Situation, into which a man enters as my brother Toby would enter a battalion. No matter whether he loves the service or no, once in it, he acts as if he did; and takes every step to show himself a man of prowess.'


The hypothesis, like the rest of my father's, was plausible enough, and my uncle _Toby_ had but a single word to object to it--in which _Trim_ stood ready to second him----but my father had not drawn his conclusion----

The hypothesis was plausible enough, and my uncle Toby had only one objection to it - but my father had not finished.


For this reason, continued my father (stating the case over again)--notwithstanding all the world knows, that Mrs. _Wadman_ _affects_ my brother _Toby_--and my brother _Toby_ contrariwise _affects_ Mrs. _Wadman_, and no obstacle in nature to forbid the music striking up this very night, yet will I answer for it, that this self-same tune will not be play'd this twelvemonth.

'For this reason,' he continued, 'although all the world knows that Mrs. Wadman loves my brother Toby, and my brother Toby loves Mrs. Wadman, and no obstacle can forbid the music striking up this very night, yet I will answer for it that the same tune will not be played in a year.'


We have taken our measures badly, quoth my uncle _Toby_, looking up interrogatively in _Trim's_ face.

'We have taken our measures badly,' quoth my uncle Toby to Trim.


I would lay my _Montero_-cap, said _Trim_ ----Now _Trim's_ _Montero_-cap, as I once told you, was his constant wager; and having furbish'd it up that very night, in order to go upon the attack--it made the odds look more considerable ----I would lay, an' please your honour, my _Montero_-cap to a shilling--was it proper, continued _Trim_ (making a bow), to offer a wager before your honours----

'I would lay my Montero-cap,' said Trim - now Trim's Montero-cap, as I once told you, was his constant wager; and having furbished it up for the attack, it made the odds look better - 'I would lay my Montero-cap to a shilling - if it was proper to offer a wager before your honours-'


----There is nothing improper in it, said my father--'tis a mode of expression; for in saying thou would'st lay thy _Montero_-cap to a shilling--all thou meanest is this--that thou believest--
----Now, What do'st thou believe?

'There is nothing improper in it,' said my father, ''tis a mode of expression. All it means is that thou believest - now, what dost thou believe?'


That widow _Wadman_, an' please your worship, cannot hold it out ten days----

'That widow Wadman cannot hold out ten days.'


And whence, cried _Slop_, jeeringly, hast thou all this knowledge of woman, friend?

'And whence,' cried Slop jeeringly, 'hast thou all this knowledge of woman, friend?'


By falling in love with a popish clergywoman; said _Trim_.

'By falling in love with a popish clergywoman,' said Trim.


'Twas a _Beguine_, said my uncle _Toby_.


Doctor _Slop_ was too much in wrath to listen to the distinction; and my father taking that very crisis to fall in helter-skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and _Beguines_, a set of silly, fusty, baggages----_Slop_ could not stand it----and my uncle _Toby_ having some measures to take about his breeches--and _Yorick_ about his fourth general division--in order for their several attacks next day--the company broke up: and my father being left alone, and having half an hour upon his hands betwixt that and bed-time; he called for pen, ink, and paper, and wrote my uncle _Toby_ the following letter of instructions:

Doctor Slop was too angry to listen to the distinction; and my father taking that chance to fall helter-skelter upon the whole order of Nuns and Beguines, as a set of silly, fusty, baggages - Slop could not stand it - and my uncle Toby having some measures to take about his breeches - the company broke up.
My father being left alone, and having half an hour upon his hands before bed-time, called for pen and paper, and wrote my uncle Toby the following letter of instructions:


What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of love-making to them; and perhaps it is as well for thee--tho' not so well for me--that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and that I am able to write it to thee.

What I am going to say to thee is upon the nature of women, and of love-making to them; and it is good that thou hast occasion for a letter of instructions upon that head, and that I am able to write it to thee.


Had it been the good pleasure of him who disposes of our lots--and thou no sufferer by the knowledge, I had been well content that thou should'st have dipp'd the pen this moment into the ink, instead of myself; but that not being the case ------------Mrs. _Shandy_ being now close beside me, preparing for bed ----I have thrown together without order, and just as they have come into my mind, such hints and documents as I deem may be of use to thee; intending, in this, to give thee a token of my love; not doubting, my dear _Toby_, of the manner in which it will be accepted.

Mrs. Shandy being now nearby, preparing for bed - I have thrown together, just as they have come into my mind, such hints as I judge may be of use; intending, in this, to give thee a token of my love.


In the first place, with regard to all which concerns religion in the affair----though I perceive from a glow in my cheek, that I blush as I begin to speak to thee upon the subject, as well knowing, notwithstanding thy unaffected secrecy, how few of its offices thou neglectest--yet I would remind thee of one (during the continuance of thy courtship) in a particular manner, which I would not have omitted; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprize, whether it be in the morning or the afternoon, without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one.

Firstly, with regard to religion in this affair - though I know how few of its offices thou neglectest - yet I would remind thee of one thing during thy courtship; and that is, never to go forth upon the enterprise, without first recommending thyself to the protection of Almighty God, that he may defend thee from the evil one.


Shave the whole top of thy crown clean once at least every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, thro' absence of mind, she should be able to discover how much has been cut away by Time----how much by _Trim_.

Shave the whole top of thy head clean every four or five days, but oftener if convenient; lest in taking off thy wig before her, she should discover how much has been cut away by Time.


--'Twere better to keep ideas of baldness out of her fancy.


Always carry it in thy mind, and act upon it as a sure maxim, _Toby_----


"_That women are timid:_" And 'tis well they are----else there would be no dealing with them.

'That women are timid.' And 'tis well they are - or else there would be no dealing with them.


Let not thy breeches be too tight, or hang too loose about thy thighs, like the trunk-hose of our ancestors.


----A just medium prevents all conclusions.


Whatever thou hast to say, be it more or less, forget not to utter it in a low soft tone of voice.

Whatever thou hast to say, utter it in a low, soft tone of voice.


Silence, and whatever approaches it, weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain: For this cause, if thou canst help it, never throw down the tongs and poker.

Silence weaves dreams of midnight secrecy into the brain.


Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her, and do whatever lies in thy power at the same time, to keep from her all books and writings which tend thereto: there are some devotional tracts, which if thou canst entice her to read over--it will be well: but suffer her not to look into _Rabelais_, or _Scarron_, or _Don Quixote_----

Avoid all kinds of pleasantry and facetiousness in thy discourse with her, and do all thou canst to keep from her books which tend thereto: there are some devotional tracts, which she may read over - but do not allow her to look into Rabelais, or Don Quixote.


----They are all books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear _Toby_, that there is no passion so serious as lust.

They are books which excite laughter; and thou knowest, dear Toby, that there is no passion so serious as lust.


Stick a pin in the bosom of thy shirt, before thou enterest her parlour.


And if thou art permitted to sit upon the same sopha with her, and she gives thee occasion to lay thy hand upon hers--beware of taking it----thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, but she will feel the temper of thine.

If thou art permitted to sit upon the same sofa with her, and to lay thy hand upon hers - beware: - thou canst not lay thy hand on hers, without her feeling the temper of thine.


Leave that and as many other things as thou canst, quite undetermined; by so doing, thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side; and if she is not conquered by that, and thy ASSE continues still kicking, which there is great reason to suppose ----Thou must begin, with first losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient _Scythians_, who cured the most intemperate fits of the appetite by that means.

Leave that undetermined; so that thou wilt have her curiosity on thy side. If she is not conquered by that, and thy Ass continues kicking - thou must begin by losing a few ounces of blood below the ears, according to the practice of the ancient Scythians, who cured the most intemperate fits of appetite by that means.


_Avicenna_, after this, is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper evacuations and purges----and I believe rightly.

Avicenna is for having the part anointed with the syrup of hellebore, using proper purges - and I believe rightly.


But thou must eat little or no goat's flesh, nor red deer----nor even foal's flesh by any means; and carefully abstain----that is, as much as thou canst, from peacocks, cranes, coots, didappers, and water-hens----

Thou must eat little or no goat's flesh, nor red deer; and carefully abstain from peacocks, cranes, coots and water-hens.


As for thy drink --I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of VERVAIN and the herb HANEA, of which _lian_ relates such effects--but if thy stomach palls with it--discontinue it from time to time, taking cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lillies, woodbine, and lettice, in the stead of them.

As for thy drink - I need not tell thee, it must be the infusion of Vervain and the herb Hanea, of which Aelian relates such effects - but if thy stomach palls, take cucumbers, melons, purslane, water-lilies, woodbine, and lettuce instead.


There is nothing further for thee, which occurs to me at present----

There is nothing further which occurs to me at present-


----Unless the breaking out of a fresh war ----So wishing everything, dear _Toby_, for the best,

So wishing everything, dear Toby, for the best,


The ancient _Goths_ of _Germany_, who (the learned _Cluverius_ is positive) were first seated in the country between the _Vistula_ and the _Oder_, and who afterwards incorporated the _Herculi_, the _Bugians_, and some other _Vandallick_ clans to 'em--had all of them a wise custom of debating everything of importance to their state, twice; that is, --once drunk, and once sober: ----Drunk, --that their councils might not want vigour; ----and sober--that they might not want discretion.

The ancient Goths of Germany, who (the learned Cluverius says) were first settled between the Vistula and the Oder, had a wise custom of debating everything of importance twice; that is, once drunk, and once sober. - Drunk, so that their councils might have vigour; - and sober, so that they might have discretion.


Now my father being entirely a water-drinker, --was a long time gravelled almost to death, in turning this as much to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments and devices, that he hit upon an expedient which answered the purpose; ----and that was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled in the family, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too, in its determination, ----he fixed and set apart the first _Sunday_ night in the month, and the _Saturday_ night which immediately preceded it, to argue it over, in bed, with my mother: By which contrivance, if you consider, Sir, with yourself, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Now my father being entirely a water-drinker, was for a long time perplexed how to turn this to his advantage, as he did every other thing which the ancients did or said; and it was not till the seventh year of his marriage, after a thousand fruitless experiments, that he hit upon a method which answered the purpose.
That was, when any difficult and momentous point was to be settled, which required great sobriety, and great spirit too - he fixed and set apart the first Sunday night in the month, and the Saturday night immediately before it, to argue it over in bed, with my mother. By this contrivance, if you consider, Sir, the significance of these days in my first volume, * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


These my father, humorously enough, called his _beds of justice_; ----for from the two different counsels taken in these two different humours, a middle one was generally found out which touched the point of wisdom as well, as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.

These my father, humorously enough, called his 'beds of justice'; for from the two different counsels taken in these two different moods, a middle one was generally found which was as near wisdom as if he had got drunk and sober a hundred times.


It must not be made a secret of to the world, that this answers full as well in literary discussions, as either in military or conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the _Goths_ and _Vandals_ did it----or, if he can, may it be always for his body's health; and to do it, as my father did it, --am I sure it would be always for his soul's.

This method answers full as well in literary discussions, as in conjugal; but it is not every author that can try the experiment as the Goths did it.


In all nice and ticklish discussions--(of which, heaven knows, there are but too many in my book), --where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having either their worships or their reverences upon my back ----I write one-half _full_, --and t'other _fasting_; ----or write it all full, --and correct it fasting: ----or write it fasting, --and correct it full, for they all come to the same thing: ----So that with a less variation from my father's plan, than my father's from the _Gothick_ ----I feel myself upon a par with him in his first bed of justice, --and no way inferior to him in his second.

In delicate and ticklish discussions (of which, heaven knows, there are all too many in my book) - where I find I cannot take a step without the danger of having someone upon my back - I write one-half full, and t'other half hungry; or write it all full, and correct it fasting, or vice versa, for they come to the same thing. So I feel myself upon a par with my father in his first bed of justice, and no way inferior to him in his second.


----These different and almost irreconcileable effects, flow uniformly from the wise and wonderful mechanism of nature, --of which, --be her's the honour.


----All that we can do, is to turn and work the machine to the improvement and better manufactory of the arts and sciences.----


Now, when I write full, --I write as if I was never to write fasting again as long as I live; ----that is, I write free from the cares as well as the terrors of the world.

Now, when I write full, I write free from the cares and terrors of the world.


----I count not the number of my scars, --nor does my fancy go forth into dark entries and bye-corners to antedate my stabs.

I count not my scars; nor does my fancy go forth into dark corners.


----In a word, my pen takes its course; and I write on as much from the fulness of my heart, as my stomach.----

In a word, I write as much from the fullness of my heart, as my stomach.


But when, an' please your honours, I indite fasting, 'tis a different history.

But when I am fasting, 'tis a different story.


----I pay the world all possible attention and respect, --and have as great a share (whilst it lasts) of that under-strapping virtue of discretion as the best of you. ----So that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured _Shandean_ book, which will do all your hearts good------

I pay the world all possible attention and respect - so that betwixt both, I write a careless kind of a civil, nonsensical, good-humoured Shandean book, which will do all your hearts good-


----And all your heads too, --provided you understand it.

- And your heads too, provided you understand it.


As _Tom_, an' please your honour, had no business at that time with the _Moorish_ girl, he passed on into the room beyond, to talk to the _Jew's_ widow about love----and this pound of sausages; and being, as I have told your honour, an open cheary-hearted lad, with his character wrote in his looks and carriage, he took a chair, and without much apology, but with great civility at the same time, placed it close to her at the table, and sat down.

'Tom walked past the Moorish girl, and went on into the room beyond, to talk to the Jew's widow about love, and this pound of sausages; and being, as I have said, an open cheery-hearted lad, he took a chair, and with great civility placed it close to her at the table, and sat down.


There is nothing so awkward, as courting a woman, an' please your honour, whilst she is making sausages ----So _Tom_ began a discourse upon them; first, gravely, ----"as how they were made----with what meats, herbs, and spices" --Then a little gayly, --as, "With what skins----and if they never burst ----Whether the largest were not the best?"

'There is nothing so awkward as courting a woman whilst she is making sausages - so Tom began a discourse upon them; first, gravely, "as to how they were made - with what meats, herbs, and spices;" then a little gaily, as, "With what skins - whether the largest were not the best?"


----and so on--taking care only as he went along, to season what he had to say upon sausages, rather under than over; ----that he might have room to act in----

- and so on - taking care to under-season what he had to say upon sausages, rather than over-season; so that he might have room to act-'


It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution, said my uncle _Toby_, laying his hand upon _Trim's_ shoulder, that Count _De la Motte_ lost the battle of _Wynendale_: he pressed too speedily into the wood; which if he had not done, _Lisle_ had not fallen into our hands, nor _Ghent_ and _Bruges_, which both followed her example; it was so late in the year, continued my uncle _Toby_, and so terrible a season came on, that if things had not fallen out as they did, our troops must have perish'd in the open field.----

'It was owing to the neglect of that very precaution,' said my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon Trim's shoulder, 'that Count De la Motte lost the battle of Wynnendale: he pressed too speedily into the wood, and let Lisle fall into our hands, and then Ghent and Bruges; it was so late in the year, and so terrible a season came on, that otherwise our troops might have perished-'


----Why, therefore, may not battles, an' please your honour, as well as marriages, be made in heaven?

'Why may not battles, your honour, as well as marriages, be made in heaven?'


Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his high idea of military skill tempted him to say another; so not being able to frame a reply exactly to his mind----my uncle _Toby_ said nothing at all; and the corporal finished his story.

Religion inclined him to say one thing, and his idea of military skill another. Not being able to frame a reply, he said nothing; and the corporal finished his story.


As _Tom_ perceived, an' please your honour, that he gained ground, and that all he had said upon the subject of sausages was kindly taken, he went on to help her a little in making them.

'As Tom saw that he gained ground, and that all he said upon the subject of sausages was kindly taken, he went on to help her in making them.


----First, by taking hold of the ring of the sausage whilst she stroked the forced meat down with her hand----then by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding them in his hand, whilst she took them out one by one----then, by putting them across her mouth, that she might take them out as she wanted them----and so on from little to more, till at last he adventured to tie the sausage himself, whilst she held the snout.----

- First, by taking hold of the ring of the sausage whilst she stroked the meat down with her hand - then by cutting the strings into proper lengths, and holding them whilst she took them one by one - and so on, till at last he ventured to tie the sausage himself, whilst she held the snout.


----Now a widow, an' please your honour, always chuses a second husband as unlike the first as she can: so the affair was more than half settled in her mind before _Tom_ mentioned it.

'Now a widow, your honour, always chooses a second husband as unlike the first as she can: so the affair was half settled in her mind before Tom mentioned it.


She made a feint however of defending herself, by snatching up a sausage: ----_Tom_ instantly laid hold of another------

'She made a feint however of defending herself, by snatching up a sausage: Tom instantly laid hold of another.


But seeing _Tom's_ had more gristle in it------

'But seeing Tom's had more gristle in it-


She signed the capitulation----and _Tom_ sealed it; and there was an end of the matter.

'She signed the agreement; Tom sealed it; and there was an end of the matter.'


The Fates, who certainly all foreknew of these amours of widow _Wadman_ and my uncle _Toby_, had, from the first creation of matter and motion (and with more courtesy than they usually do things of this kind), established such a chain of causes and effects hanging so fast to one another, that it was scarce possible for my uncle _Toby_ to have dwelt in any other house in the world, or to have occupied any other garden in _Christendom_, but the very house and garden which join'd and laid parallel to Mrs. _Wadman's_; this, with the advantage of a thickset arbour in Mrs. _Wadman's_ garden, but planted in the hedge-row of my uncle _Toby's_, put all the occasions into her hands which Love-militancy wanted; she could observe my uncle _Toby's_ motions, and was mistress likewise of his councils of war; and as his unsuspecting heart had given leave to the corporal, through the mediation of _Bridget_, to make her a wicker-gate of communication to enlarge her walks, it enabled her to carry on her approaches to the very door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out of gratitude, to make an attack, and endeavour to blow my uncle _Toby_ up in the very sentry-box itself.

The Fates, who certainly foresaw these amours of widow Wadman and my uncle Toby, had, from the first creation of matter, established such a chain of causes and effects, that it was scarce possible for my uncle Toby to have dwelt in any other house in the world, or to have occupied any other garden, but the very house and garden which lay next to Mrs. Wadman's.
This, with the advantage of a thickset arbour in Mrs. Wadman's garden, but planted in the hedge-row of my uncle Toby's, gave her all the occasions Love-militancy wanted. She could observe my uncle Toby's movements, and hear his councils of war; and as he had unsuspectingly given leave to the corporal, through Bridget, to make Widow Wadman a communicating wicker-gate to enlarge her walks, it enabled her to approach the very door of the sentry-box; and sometimes out of gratitude to make an attack, and try to blow my uncle Toby up in the very sentry-box itself.


Trim can repeat every word of it by heart, quoth my uncle _Toby_.

'Trim can repeat every word of it by heart,' quoth my uncle Toby.


said my father, not caring to be interrupted with _Trim's_ saying his Catechism.

said my father, not caring to be interrupted with Trim's saying his Catechism.


He can, upon my honour, replied my uncle _Toby_.

'He can, upon my honour,' replied my uncle.


--Ask him, Mr. _Yorick_, any question you please.----

'Ask him, Mr. Yorick, any question you please.'


--The fifth Commandment, _Trim_--said _Yorick_, speaking mildly, and with a gentle nod, as to a modest Catechumen.

'The fifth Commandment, Trim,' said Yorick mildly, with a gentle nod.


--You don't ask him right, said my uncle _Toby_, raising his voice, and giving it rapidly like the word of command: ----The fifth--------cried my uncle _Toby_.

'You don't ask him right,' said my uncle Toby. Raising his voice to a rapid tone of command, he cried: 'The fifth.'


--I must begin with the first, an' please your honour, said the corporal.----

'I must begin with the first, an' please your honour,' said the corporal.


--Your reverence does not consider, said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a musket, and marching into the middle of the room, to illustrate his position, --that 'tis exactly the same thing, as doing one's exercise in the field.--

'Your reverence does not consider,' said the corporal, shouldering his stick like a musket, and marching into the middle of the room, 'that 'tis exactly the same thing as presenting arms.


"_Join your right-hand to your firelock_," cried the corporal, giving the word of command, and performing the motion.--

- "Join your right-hand to your firelock.


"_Poise your firelock_," cried the corporal, doing the duty still both of adjutant and private man.


"_Rest your firelock_;" --one motion, an' please your reverence, you see leads into another.

Now rest your firelock,"' said he, demonstrating with his stick, and acting as both commander and soldier. 'You see one leads into another.


--If his honour will begin but with the _first_--

If his honour will begin but with the first-'


THE FIRST--cried my uncle _Toby_, setting his hand upon his side-- * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
THE SECOND--cried my uncle _Toby_, waving his tobacco-pipe, as he would have done his sword at the head of a regiment.

'The First,' cried my uncle Toby, waving his tobacco-pipe like a sword.


--The corporal went through his _manual_ with exactness! and having _honoured his father and mother_, made a low bow, and fell back to the side of the room.

The corporal went through his manual with exactness; and having honoured his father and mother, made a low bow, and stepped aside.


Everything in this world, said my father, is big with jest, --and has wit in it, and instruction too, --if we can but find it out.

'Everything in this world,' said my father, 'is big with jest, and has wit in it, if we can but find it.


--Here is the _scaffold work_ of INSTRUCTION, its true point of folly, without the BUILDING behind it.

'Here in the Catechism is the scaffolding of Instruction, without the Building behind it.


--Here is the glass for pedagogues, preceptors, tutors, governors, gerund-grinders, and bear-leaders, to view themselves in, in their true dimensions.--

'Here is the looking-glass for teachers, tutors, and gerund-grinders, to view themselves in.


there is a husk and shell, _Yorick_, which grows up with learning, which their unskilfulness knows not how to fling away!

there is a husk and shell, Yorick, which grows up with learning, which they know not how to fling away!


--SCIENCES MAY BE LEARNED BY ROTE, BUT WISDOM NOT.

'Sciences may be learned by rote, but wisdom not.'


--I will enter into obligations this moment, said my father, to lay out all my aunt _Dinah's_ legacy in charitable uses (of which, by the bye, my father had no high opinion), if the corporal has any one determinate idea annexed to any one word he has repeated. --Prythee, _Trim_, quoth my father, turning round to him, --What dost thou mean, by "_honouring thy father and mother?_"

'I will promise this moment,' said my father, 'to donate all my aunt Dinah's legacy to charitable causes' (of which, by the bye, my father had no high opinion), 'if the corporal has any one distinct idea attached to any one word he has repeated.- Prithee, Trim,' quoth my father, turning to him, 'What dost thou mean, by "honouring thy father and mother?"'


'Allowing them, an' please your honour, three half-pence a day out of my pay, when they grow old.'


--And didst thou do that, _Trim?_ said _Yorick_.

'And didst thou do that, Trim?' said Yorick.


--He did indeed, replied my uncle _Toby_.


--Then, _Trim_, said _Yorick_, springing out of his chair, and taking the corporal by the hand, thou art the best commentator upon that part of the _Decalogue_; and I honour thee more for it, corporal _Trim_, than if thou hadst had a hand in the _Talmud_ itself.

'Then, Trim,' said Yorick, springing out of his chair, and shaking the corporal's hand, 'thou art the best commentator upon that commandment; and I honour thee more for it, corporal Trim, than if thou hadst had a hand in the Talmud itself.'


As Mrs. _Bridget_ opened the door before the corporal had well given the rap, the interval betwixt that and my uncle _Toby's_ introduction into the parlour, was so short, that Mrs. _Wadman_ had but just time to get from behind the curtain----lay a Bible upon the table, and advance a step or two towards the door to receive him.

As Mrs. Bridget opened the door before the corporal had properly knocked, the interval before my uncle Toby's entrance into the parlour was so short that Mrs. Wadman had just time to get from behind the curtain, - lay a Bible upon the table, and advance to receive him.


My uncle _Toby_ saluted Mrs. _Wadman_, after the manner in which women were saluted by men in the year of our Lord God one thousand seven hundred and thirteen----then facing about, he march'd up abreast with her to the sopha, and in three plain words----though not before he was sat down----nor after he was sat down----but as he was sitting down, told her, "_he was in love_"----so that my uncle _Toby_ strained himself more in the declaration than he needed.

My uncle Toby saluted Mrs. Wadman in the manner of 1713 - then, turning around, he marched up abreast with her to the sofa, and in three plain words - though not before he was sat down - nor after he was sat down - but as he was sitting down, told her, 'he was in love.'


Mrs. _Wadman_ naturally looked down, upon a slit she had been darning up in her apron, in expectation every moment, that my uncle _Toby_ would go on; but having no talents for amplification, and Love moreover of all others being a subject of which he was the least a master ----When he had told Mrs. _Wadman_ once that he loved her, he let it alone, and left the matter to work after its own way.

Mrs. Wadman naturally looked down, expecting that my uncle Toby would go on; but having no talents for amplification, and Love being a subject of which he had no mastery - having told her once that he loved her, he let it alone, and left the matter to work its own way.


My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle _Toby's_, as he falsely called it, and would often say, that could his brother _Toby_ to his process have added but a pipe of tobacco----he had wherewithal to have found his way, if there was faith in a _Spanish_ proverb, towards the hearts of half the women upon the globe.

My father was always in raptures with this system of my uncle Toby's, as he falsely called it; and would often say, that if his brother could have added a pipe of tobacco to his process, he would have found his way towards the hearts of half the women on the globe.


My uncle _Toby_ never understood what my father meant; nor will I presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which the bulk of the world lie under----but the _French_ every one of 'em to a man, who believe in it, almost, as much as the REAL PRESENCE, "_That talking of love, is making it_."

My uncle Toby never understood what my father meant; nor will I presume to extract more from it, than a condemnation of an error which most of the world, except the French, lie under - believing 'that talking of love, is making it.'


------I would as soon set about making a black-pudding by the same receipt.

I would as soon set about making a black-pudding by the same recipe.


Let us go on: Mrs. _Wadman_ sat in expectation my uncle _Toby_ would do so, to almost the first pulsation of that minute, wherein silence on one side or the other, generally becomes indecent: so edging herself a little more towards him, and raising up her eyes, sub-blushing, as she did it----she took up the gauntlet----or the discourse (if you like it better) and communed with my uncle _Toby_, thus:

Let us go on: Mrs. Wadman expecting my uncle Toby would do so, until the silence became almost indecent: so edging herself a little more towards him, and raising up her eyes, sub-blushing, as she did it - she took up the gauntlet - or the discourse - with my uncle Toby, thus:


The cares and disquietudes of the marriage state, quoth Mrs. _Wadman_, are very great.

'The cares and worries of the marriage state,' quoth she, 'are very great.'


I suppose so--said my uncle _Toby_: and therefore when a person, continued Mrs. _Wadman_, is so much at his ease as you are--so happy, captain _Shandy_, in yourself, your friends and your amusements --I wonder, what reasons can incline you to the state------

'I suppose so,' said my uncle Toby.
'And therefore when a person,' continued Mrs. Wadman, 'is so much at his ease as you are - so happy, captain Shandy, in yourself, your friends and your amusements - I wonder, what reasons can incline you to the state?'


----They are written, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in the Common-Prayer Book.

'They are written,' quoth my uncle, 'in the Common-Prayer Book.'


Thus far my uncle _Toby_ went on warily, and kept within his depth, leaving Mrs. _Wadman_ to sail upon the gulph as she pleased.

Thus far my uncle Toby went on warily, and kept within his depth, leaving Mrs. Wadman to sail upon the gulf as she pleased.


----As for children--said Mrs. _Wadman_--though a principal end perhaps of the institution, and the natural wish, I suppose, of every parent--yet do not we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very uncertain comforts?

'As for children,' said Mrs. Wadman, 'though a principal end of marriage, and the natural wish, I suppose, of every parent - yet do not we all find, they are certain sorrows, and very uncertain comforts?


and what is there, dear sir, to pay one for the heart-aches--what compensation for the many tender and disquieting apprehensions of a suffering and defenceless mother who brings them into life?

and what compensation is there, dear sir, for the many worries of a suffering and defenceless mother who brings them into life?'


I declare, said my uncle _Toby_, smit with pity, I know of none; unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased God----

'I declare,' said my uncle Toby, smitten with pity, 'I know of none; unless it be the pleasure which it has pleased God-'


--Now, quoth _Didius_, rising up, and laying his right hand with his fingers spread upon his breast----had such a blunder about a christian-name happened before the Reformation ------[It happened the day before yesterday, quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself] and when baptism was administer'd in _Latin_ --['Twas all in _English_, said my uncle]------ many things might have coincided with it, and upon the authority of sundry decreed cases, to have pronounced the baptism null, with a power of giving the child a new name --Had a priest, for instance, which was no uncommon thing, through ignorance of the _Latin_ tongue, baptized a child of Tom-o'Stiles, _in nomine patri & filia & spiritum sanctos_--the baptism was held null.

'Now,' quoth Didius, rising up, 'if such a blunder about a Christian name had happened before the Reformation, when baptism was administered in Latin, - many things might have occurred which would allow an authority to pronounce the baptism null, with a power of giving the child a new name. Had a priest, for instance, through ignorance of the Latin tongue, baptized a child in nomine patriae et filia et spiritum sanctos - the baptism was held null.'


----I beg your pardon, replied _Kysarcius_----in that case, as the mistake was only the _terminations_, the baptism was valid----and to have rendered it null, the blunder of the priest should have fallen upon the first syllable of each noun------and not, as in your case, upon the last.

'I beg your pardon,' replied Kysarcius, 'in that case, as the mistake was only the word-endings, the baptism was valid. To have rendered it null, the priest should have blundered on the first syllable of each noun, and not the last.'


My father delighted in subtleties of this kind, and listen'd with infinite attention.

My father delighted in subtleties of this kind, and listened with great attention.


_Gastripheres_, for example, continued _Kysarcius_, baptizes a child of _John Stradling's_ in _Gomine_ gatris, &c., &c., instead of _in Nomine_ patris, &c. ----Is this a baptism?

'If Gastripheres, for example,' continued Kysarcius, 'baptizes a child of John Stradling's in gomine gatris, instead of in nomine patris - is this a baptism?


No--say the ablest canonists; in as much as the radix of each word is hereby torn up, and the sense and meaning of them removed and changed quite to another object; for _Gomine_ does not signify a name, nor _gatris_ a father. --What do they signify? said my uncle _Toby_. --Nothing at all------quoth _Yorick_. ----Ergo, such a baptism is null, said _Kysarcius_.----

No: for the root of each word is torn up, and it becomes meaningless; therefore, it is null.'


In course, answered _Yorick_, in a tone two parts jest and one part earnest.----

'Of course,' answered Yorick, in a tone part jest and part earnest.


But in the case cited, continued _Kysarcius_, where _patri_ is put for _patris_, _filia_ for _filii_, and so on----as it is a fault only in the declension, and the roots of the words continue untouch'd, the inflections of their branches either this way or that, does not in any sort hinder the baptism, inasmuch as the same sense continues in the words as before.

'But in the case cited,' continued Kysarcius, 'with patriae for patris, and so on - as it is a fault only in the declension, and the roots of the words and their meaning continue untouched, it does not hinder the baptism.


----But then, said _Didius_, the intention of the priest's pronouncing them grammatically must have been proved to have gone along with it.


------------Right, answered _Kysarcius_; and of this, brother _Didius_, we have an instance in a decree of the decretals of Pope _Leo_ the IIId.

We have an instance in a decree of Pope Leo the Third-'


----But my brother's child, cried my uncle _Toby_, has nothing to do with the Pope------'tis the plain child of a Protestant gentleman, christen'd _Tristram_ against the wills and wishes both of his father and mother, and all who are a-kin to it.----

'But my brother's child has nothing to do with the Pope,' cried my uncle Toby; ''tis the child of a Protestant gentleman, christened Tristram against the wishes of his father and mother, and all his kin.'


If the wills and wishes, said _Kysarcius_, interrupting my uncle _Toby_, of those only who stand related to Mr. _Shandy's_ child, were to have weight in this matter, Mrs. _Shandy_, of all people, has the least to do in it.

'If the wishes of only Mr. Shandy's family were to have weight in this matter,' said Kysarcius, 'Mrs. Shandy, of all people, has the least.'


----My uncle _Toby_ lay'd down his pipe, and my father drew his chair still closer to the table, to hear the conclusion of so strange an introduction.

My uncle Toby laid down his pipe, and my father drew his chair closer to the table, to hear more.


----It has not only been a question, Captain _Shandy_, amongst the[4.10] best lawyers and civilians in this land, continued _Kysarcius_, "_Whether the mother be of kin to her child_," --but, after much dispassionate enquiry and jactitation of the arguments on all sides--it has been abjudged for the negative--namely, "_That the mother is not of kin to her child_.

'It has been a question, Captain Shandy, amongst the best lawyers in this land,' continued Kysarcius, '"whether the mother be of kin to her child;" but, after much enquiry into all the arguments - it has been judged for the negative: namely, "That the mother is not of kin to her child."'


"[4.11] My father instantly clapp'd his hand upon my uncle _Toby's_ mouth, under colour of whispering in his ear; --the truth was, he was alarmed for _Lillabullero_--and having a great desire to hear more of so curious an argument--he begg'd my uncle _Toby_, for Heaven's sake, not to disappoint him in it.

My father instantly clapped his hand upon my uncle Toby's mouth, under the pretence of whispering in his ear; the truth was, he was alarmed for Lillabullero, for he had a great desire to hear more of so curious an argument.


--My uncle _Toby_ gave a nod--resumed his pipe, and contenting himself with whistling _Lillabullero_ inwardly----_Kysarcius_, _Didius_, and _Triptolemus_ went on with the discourse as follows.

My uncle Toby resumed his pipe, and contenting himself with whistling Lillabullero inwardly.


This determination, continued _Kysarcius_, how contrary soever it may seem to run to the stream of vulgar ideas, yet had reason strongly on its side; and has been put out of all manner of dispute from the famous case, known commonly by the name of the Duke of _Suffolk's_ case.

'This decision,' continued Kysarcius, 'however contrary it may seem to run to vulgar ideas, yet had reason strongly on its side; and has been put beyond dispute by the famous case of the Duke of Suffolk.


------It is cited in _Brook_, said _Triptolemus_ ------And taken notice of by Lord _Coke_, added _Didius_.


--And you may find it in _Swinburn_ on Testaments, said _Kysarcius_.


In the reign of _Edward_ the Sixth, _Charles_ duke of _Suffolk_ having issue a son by one venter, and a daughter by another venter, made his last will, wherein he devised goods to his son, and died; after whose death the son died also----but without will, without wife, and without child--his mother and his sister by the father's side (for she was born of the former venter) then living. The mother took the administration of her son's goods, according to the statute of the 21st of _Harry_ the Eighth, whereby it is enacted, That in case any person die intestate the administration of his goods shall be committed to the next of kin.

'In the reign of Edward the Sixth, Charles duke of Suffolk, having a son by one mother, and a daughter by another, made his last will, wherein he left his goods to his son, and died. After his death the son died also - but without a will, without wife or child. Since his mother and his sister by the father's side were then living, the mother took the administration of her son's goods, according to the 21st statute of Harry the Eighth, whereby if any person should die intestate the administration of his goods shall be committed to the next of kin.


The administration being thus (surreptitiously) granted to the mother, the sister by the father's side commenced a suit before the Ecclesiastical Judge, alledging, 1st, That she herself was next of kin; and 2dly, That the mother was not of kin at all to the party deceased; and therefore prayed the court, that the administration granted to the mother might be revoked, and be committed unto her, as next of kin to the deceased, by force of the said statute.

'The administration being thus granted to the mother, the sister began a suit before the Ecclesiastical Judge, alleging, first, that she herself was next of kin; and second, that the mother was not of kin at all to the deceased son; and therefore she prayed the court that the administration of the estate might be revoked from the mother and given to her.


Hereupon, as it was a great cause, and much depending upon its issue--and many causes of great property likely to be decided in times to come, by the precedent to be then made----the most learned, as well in the laws of this realm, as in the civil law, were consulted together, whether the mother was of kin to her son, or no.

'As it was a great cause, with much depending upon its result, the most learned lawyers were consulted as to whether the mother was of kin to her son, or no.


--Whereunto not only the temporal lawyers----but the church lawyers--the juris-consulti--the juris-prudentes--the civilians--the advocates--the commissaries--the judges of the consistory and prerogative courts of _Canterbury_ and _York_, with the master of the faculties, were all unanimously of opinion, That the mother was not of[4.12] kin to her child.----

All the lawyers and judges were unanimously of the opinion, that the mother was not of kin to her child.'


And what said the duchess of _Suffolk_ to it?

'And what said the duchess of Suffolk to it?'


The unexpectedness of my uncle _Toby's_ question, confounded _Kysarcius_ more than the ablest advocate ----He stopp'd a full minute, looking in my uncle _Toby's_ face without replying----and in that single minute _Triptolemus_ put by him, and took the lead as follows.

The unexpectedness of my uncle's question confounded Kysarcius. He paused, and Triptolemus took over.


'Tis a ground and principle in the law, said _Triptolemus_, that things do not ascend, but descend in it; and I make no doubt 'tis for this cause, that however true it is, that the child may be of the blood and seed of its parents----that the parents, nevertheless, are not of the blood and seed of it; inasmuch as the parents are not begot by the child, but the child by the parents --For so they write, _Liberi sunt de sanguine patris & matris, sed pater & mater non sunt de sanguine liberorum_.

''Tis a principle in the law,' said Triptolemus, 'that things do not ascend, but descend in it; so that however true it is, that the child is of the blood and seed of its parents - the parents, nevertheless, are not of the blood and seed of the child; for they are not begot by the child.'


----But this, _Triptolemus_, cried _Didius_, proves too much--for from this authority cited it would follow, not only what indeed is granted on all sides, that the mother is not of kin to her child--but the father likewise.

'But Triptolemus,' cried Didius, 'from this it would follow, not only that the mother is not of kin to her child - but the father likewise.'


----It is held, said _Triptolemus_, the better opinion; because the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet are they but (_una caro_[4.13]) one flesh; and consequently no degree of kindred----or any method of acquiring one _in nature_.

'It is held,' said Triptolemus, 'that the father, the mother, and the child, though they be three persons, yet are they but one flesh; and consequently no degree of kindred.'


----There you push the argument again too far, cried _Didius_----for there is no prohibition _in nature_, though there is in the Levitical law----but that a man may beget a child upon his grandmother----in which case, supposing the issue a daughter, she would stand in relation both of ----But who ever thought, cried _Kysarcius_, of lying with his grandmother?

'There you push the argument again too far,' cried Didius, 'for there is no prohibition in nature - though there is in the Bible - to prevent a man from begetting a child upon his grandmother - in which case, supposing the issue a daughter, she would stand in relation both of-'
'But who ever thought,' cried Kysarcius, 'of lying with his grandmother?'


------The young gentleman, replied _Yorick_, whom _Selden_ speaks of----who not only thought of it, but justified his intention to his father by the argument drawn from the law of retaliation.

'A young gentleman in one case,' replied Yorick, 'not only thought of it, but justified his intention to his father by the law of retaliation.


--"You lay, Sir, with my mother," said the lad-- "why may not I lie with yours?"

"You lay, Sir, with my mother," said the lad; "why may not I lie with yours?"


----'Tis the _Argumentum commune_, added _Yorick_.

'Tis the Argumentum commune - the argument of the common public.'


----'Tis as good, replied _Eugenius_, taking down his hat, as they deserve.

''Tis as good,' replied Eugenius, 'as they deserve.'


[Footnote 4.10: Vide Swinburn on Testaments, Part 7, 8.]


[Footnote 4.12: Mater non numeratur inter consanguineos, Bald.


No matter--as an appendage to seamstressy, the thread-paper might be of some consequence to my mother--of none to my father, as a mark in _Slawkenbergius_.


_Slawkenbergius_ in every page of him was a rich treasure of inexhaustible knowledge to my father--he could not open him amiss; and he would often say in closing the book, that if all the arts and sciences in the world, with the books which treated of them, were lost--should the wisdom and policies of governments, he would say, through disuse, ever happen to be forgot, and all that statesmen had wrote or caused to be written, upon the strong or the weak sides of courts and kingdoms, should they be forgot also--and _Slawkenbergius_ only left----there would be enough in him in all conscience, he would say, to set the world a-going again.

Every page of Slawkenbergius was a rich treasure of knowledge to my father; and he would often say in closing the book, that if all the arts and sciences in the world were lost - should the wisdom of governments ever be forgot, and Slawkenbergius only were left - there would be enough in him, he would say, to set the world a-going again.


an institute of all that was necessary to be known of noses, and everything else--at _matin_, noon, and vespers was _Hafen Slawkenbergius_ his recreation and delight: 'twas for ever in his hands----you would have sworn, Sir, it had been a canon's prayer-book--so worn, so glazed, so contrited and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs in all its parts, from one end even unto the other.

an institute of all that needed to be known about noses, and everything else. All day was Hafen Slawkenbergius his recreation and delight: 'twas for ever in his hands, as worn and thumbed as a canon's prayer-book.


I am not such a bigot to _Slawkenbergius_ as my father; ----there is a fund in him, no doubt: but in my opinion, the best, I don't say the most profitable, but the most amusing part of _Hafen Slawkenbergius_, is his tales------and, considering he was a _German_, many of them told not without fancy: ------these take up his second book, containing nearly one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten decads, each decad containing ten tales ------Philosophy is not built upon tales; and therefore 'twas certainly wrong in _Slawkenbergius_ to send them into the world by that name! ----there are a few of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own seem rather playful and sportive, than speculative--but in general they are to be looked upon by the learned as a detail of so many independent facts, all of them turning round somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject, and collected by him with great fidelity, and added to his work as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.

In my opinion, the best, or at least the most amusing part of Hafen Slawkenbergius is his tales - and, considering he was a German, many of them told quite imaginatively. These take up his second book, and are contained in ten decads, each decad having ten tales - there are a few in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decads, which I own seem rather playful - but in general they all turn somehow or other upon the main hinges of his subject, and were collected by him as so many illustrations upon the doctrines of noses.


As we have leisure enough upon our hands----if you give me leave, madam, I'll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad.

As we have leisure upon our hands - if you give me leave, madam, I'll tell you the ninth tale of his tenth decad.


Like the Excommunication, the following section was printed on facing pages.


For this e-text it is given in consecutive paragraphs, with the Latin text inset.]


Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of _Utrecht_, it was within a point of giving my uncle _Toby_ a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appetite afterwards, yet _Calais_ itself left not a deeper scar in _Mary's_ heart, than _Utrecht_ upon my uncle _Toby's_.

Amongst the many ill consequences of the treaty of Utrecht, it almost gave my uncle Toby a surfeit of sieges; and though he recovered his appetite afterwards, it left its scar upon his heart.


To the end of his life he never could hear _Utrecht_ mentioned upon any account whatever, --or so much as read an article of news extracted out of the _Utrecht Gazette_, without fetching a sigh, as if his heart would break in twain.

To the end of his life he never could hear Utrecht mentioned, or even read an article of news from the Utrecht Gazette, without sighing as if his heart would break.


My father, who was a great MOTIVE-MONGER, and consequently a very dangerous person for a man to sit by, either laughing or crying, --for he generally knew your motive for doing both, much better than you knew it yourself--would always console my uncle _Toby_ upon these occasions, in a way, which shewed plainly, he imagined my uncle _Toby_ grieved for nothing in the whole affair, so much as the loss of his _hobby-horse_.

My father, who was a great Motive-monger, and generally knew your motive for laughing or crying much better than you knew it yourself - would always console my uncle Toby upon these occasions as if he imagined my uncle Toby grieved for nothing so much as the loss of his hobby-horse.


----Never mind, brother _Toby_, he would say, --by God's blessing we shall have another war break out again some of these days; and when it does, --the belligerent powers, if they would hang themselves, cannot keep us out of play.

'Never mind, brother Toby,' he would say; 'by God's blessing we shall have another war break out again one of these days.


----I defy 'em, my dear _Toby_, he would add, to take countries without taking towns, ----or towns without sieges.

- For I defy 'em, my dear Toby, to take countries without taking towns, or towns without sieges.'


My uncle _Toby_ never took this back-stroke of my father's at his hobby-horse kindly.


----He thought the stroke ungenerous; and the more so, because in striking the horse he hit the rider too, and in the most dishonourable part a blow could fall; so that upon these occasions, he always laid down his pipe upon the table with more fire to defend himself than common.

He thought the stroke at his hobby-horse ungenerous, because in striking the horse he hit the rider too, and in the most dishonourable part possible; so upon these occasions, he always laid down his pipe upon the table to defend himself with more fire than usual.


I told the reader, this time two years, that my uncle _Toby_ was not eloquent; and in the very same page gave an instance to the contrary: ----I repeat the observation, and a fact which contradicts it again.

I told the reader that my uncle Toby was not eloquent.


--He was not eloquent, --it was not easy to my uncle _Toby_ to make long harangues, --and he hated florid ones; but there were occasions where the stream overflowed the man, and ran so counter to its usual course, that in some parts my uncle _Toby_, for a time, was at least equal to _Tertullus_----but in others, in my own opinion, infinitely above him.

Certainly it was not easy for him to make long harangues, and he hated florid speeches; but there were times where the stream overflowed the man, and ran so counter to its usual course, that my uncle Toby, for a time, was equal to Tertullus.


My father was so highly pleased with one of these apologetical orations of my uncle _Toby's_, which he had delivered one evening before him and _Yorick_, that he wrote it down before he went to bed.

My father was so highly pleased with one of these speeches of my uncle Toby's, which he delivered one evening to him and Yorick, that he wrote it down before he went to bed.


I have had the good fortune to meet with it amongst my father's papers, with here and there an insertion of his own, betwixt two crooks, thus [ ], and is endorsed,

I have had the good fortune to find it amongst my father's papers, with here and there an insertion of his own, betwixt two crooks, thus [ ].
It is labelled,


MY BROTHER TOBY'S JUSTIFICATION OF HIS OWN PRINCIPLES AND CONDUCT IN WISHING TO CONTINUE THE WAR


I may safely say, I have read over this apologetical oration of my uncle _Toby's_ a hundred times, and think it so fine a model of defence, --and shows so sweet a temperament of gallantry and good principles in him, that I give it the world, word for word (interlineations and all), as I find it.

I may safely say, I have read this oration of my uncle Toby's a hundred times, and think it so fine a model of defence - it shows so sweet and gallant a temperament, that I give it to the world, word for word as I find it.


I had escaped, continued the corporal, all that time from falling in love, and had gone on to the end of the chapter, had it not been predestined otherwise----there is no resisting our fate.


It was on a _Sunday_, in the afternoon, as I told your honour.
The old man and his wife had walked out----

'On a Sunday afternoon, the old man and his wife had walked out-


Everything was still and hush as midnight about the house----

'Everything was still as midnight about the house-


There was not so much as a duck or a duckling about the yard----

'There was not so much as a duck or a duckling in the yard-


----When the fair _Beguine_ came in to see me.

-'when the fair Beguine came in to see me.


My wound was then in a fair way of doing well----the inflammation had been gone off for some time, but it was succeeded with an itching both above and below my knee, so insufferable, that I had not shut my eyes the whole night for it.

'My wound was then doing fairly well - the inflammation had gone, but I had an itch both above and below my knee, so insufferable that I had not slept for it.


Let me see it, said she, kneeling down upon the ground parallel to my knee, and laying her hand upon the part below it----it only wants rubbing a little, said the _Beguine_; so covering it with the bed-clothes, she began with the forefinger of her right hand to rub under my knee, guiding her forefinger backwards and forwards by the edge of the _flannel_ which kept on the dressing.

'"Let me see it," said she, kneeling down, and laying her hand upon the part below my knee - "it only wants rubbing a little;" so covering it with the bed-clothes, she began with the forefinger of her right hand to rub under my knee, guiding her finger by the edge of the dressing.