But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable aversion for TRISTRAM; --he had the lowest and most contemptible opinion of it of anything in the world, --thinking it could possibly produce nothing in _rerum natur_, but what was extremely mean and pitiful: So that in the midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye, he was frequently involved, ----he would sometimes break off in a sudden and spirited EPIPHONEMA, or rather EROTESIS, raised a third, and sometimes a full fifth above the key of the discourse, ----and demand it categorically of his antagonist, Whether he would take upon him to say, he had ever remembered, ----whether he had ever read, --or even whether he had ever heard tell of a man, called _Tristram_, performing anything great or worth recording?

But, of all the names in the universe, he had the most unconquerable aversion for Tristram; he had the lowest opinion of it. So that in the midst of a dispute on the subject, in which, by the bye, he was frequently involved, he would sometimes break off and demand whether his antagonist had ever heard of a man called Tristram performing anything great or worth recording?


What could be wanting in my father but to have wrote a book to publish this notion of his to the world?

What else could my father do other than write a book to publish this notion to the world?


Little boots it to the subtle speculatist to stand single in his opinions, --unless he gives them proper vent: --It was the identical thing which my father did: --for in the year sixteen, which was two years before I was born, he was at the pains of writing an express DISSERTATION simply upon the word _Tristram_, --shewing the world, with great candour and modesty, the grounds of his great abhorrence to the name.

There is little point in having opinions without giving them proper vent. So in 1716, two years before I was born, my father wrote a Dissertation upon the word Tristram, showing the world, with great candour, the grounds of his abhorrence to the name.


When this story is compared with the title-page, --Will not the gentle reader pity my father from his soul?

When this story is compared with the title-page, will not the gentle reader pity my father from his soul?


--to see an orderly and well-disposed gentleman, who tho' singular, --yet inoffensive in his notions, --so played upon in them by cross purposes; ----to look down upon the stage, and see him baffled and overthrown in all his little systems and wishes; to behold a train of events perpetually falling out against him, and in so critical and cruel a way, as if they had purposedly been plann'd and pointed against him, merely to insult his speculations.

- to see an orderly and well-disposed gentleman, who though singular, was yet inoffensive in his notions; to see him baffled and overthrown in his wishes; to behold events falling out against him in so cruel a way, as if they had been planned merely to insult him.


----In a word, to behold such a one, in his old age, ill-fitted for troubles, ten times in a day suffering sorrow; --ten times in a day calling the child of his prayers TRISTRAM!

- In a word, to behold him, in his old age, ten times in a day suffering sorrow as he called the child of his prayers Tristram!


which, to his ears, was unison to _Nincompoop_, and every name vituperative under heaven.

which, to his ears, was equivalent to Nincompoop.


I swear it, --if ever malignant spirit took pleasure, or busied itself in traversing the purposes of mortal man, --it must have been here; --and if it was not necessary I should be born before I was christened, I would this moment give the reader an account of it.

I swear, if ever malignant spirit took pleasure in crossing the purposes of mortal man, it must have been here; and if it was not necessary that I should be born before I was christened, I would this moment give the reader an account of it.


A man's body and his mind, with the utmost reverence to both I speak it, are exactly like a jerkin, and a jerkin's lining; --rumple the one, --you rumple the other.

A man's body and his mind are exactly like a jerkin, and a jerkin's lining; rumple the one, - you rumple the other.


There is one certain exception however in this case, and that is, when you are so fortunate a fellow, as to have had your jerkin made of gum-taffeta, and the body-lining to it of a sarcenet, or thin persian.

There is one exception, however, and that is, when you are so fortunate a fellow as to have your jerkin made of gum-taffeta, and its lining of sarcenet.


_Zeno_, _Cleanthes_, _Diogenes Babylonius_, _Dionysius_, _Heracleotes_, _Antipater_, _Pantius_, and _Posidonius_ amongst the _Greeks_; ----_Cato_ and _Varro_ and _Seneca_ amongst the _Romans_; ----_Pantonus_ and _Clemens Alexandrinus_ and _Montaigne_ amongst the Christians; and a score and a half of good, honest, unthinking _Shandean_ people as ever lived, whose names I can't recollect, --all pretended that their jerkins were made after this fashion, --you might have rumpled and crumpled, and doubled and creased, and fretted and fridged the outside of them all to pieces; ----in short, you might have played the very devil with them, and at the same time, not one of the insides of them would have been one button the worse, for all you had done to them.

Zeno, Cleanthes, Diogenes Babylonius, Dionysius, Heracleotes, Antipater amongst the Greeks; Cato, Varro and Seneca amongst the Romans; Pantaeonus, Clemens Alexandrinus and Montaigne amongst the Christians; and a score of good, honest, unthinking Shandean people, whose names I can't recollect, - all pretended that their jerkins were made this way; - you might have rumpled and crumpled the outside of them all to pieces; you might have played the very devil with them, yet not one of the insides would have been one button the worse.


I believe in my conscience that mine is made up somewhat after this sort: ----for never poor jerkin has been tickled off at such a rate as it has been these last nine months together, ----and yet I declare, the lining to it, ------as far as I am a judge of the matter, ----is not a three-penny piece the worse; --pell-mell, helter-skelter, ding-dong, cut and thrust, back stroke and fore stroke, side way and long way, have they been trimming it for me: --had there been the least gumminess in my lining, --by heaven!

I believe that mine is of this type: for never has my poor jerkin been tickled off at such a rate as it has been these last nine months, - and yet I declare, its lining is intact. Pell-mell, helter-skelter, ding-dong, cut and thrust, they have been trimming it for me: and had there been the least gumminess in my lining, - by heaven!


it had all of it long ago been frayed and fretted to a thread.

it would have been frayed and fretted to a thread.


------You Messrs. the Monthly reviewers!


------how could you cut and slash my jerkin as you did?

how could you slash my jerkin as you did?


----how did you know but you would cut my lining too?

- how did you know you would not cut my lining too?


Heartily and from my soul, to the protection of that Being who will injure none of us, do I recommend you and your affairs, --so God bless you; --only next month, if any one of you should gnash his teeth, and storm and rage at me, as some of you did last MAY (in which I remember the weather was very hot)--don't be exasperated, if I pass it by again with good temper, --being determined as long as I live or write (which in my case means the same thing) never to give the honest gentleman a worse word or a worse wish than my uncle _Toby_ gave the fly which buzz'd about his nose all _dinner-time_, ------"Go, --go, poor devil," quoth he, --"get thee gone, --why should I hurt thee?

I most heartily say, God bless you; - if any of you should storm and rage at me, as some of you did last May - I am determined to react with good temper; and as long as I live or write (which in my case means the same thing,) never to give an honest gentleman a worse word than my uncle Toby gave the fly which buzzed about his nose all dinner-time.
- 'Go, poor devil,' quoth he; 'Why should I hurt thee?


This world is surely wide enough to hold both thee and me."

This world is wide enough to hold both thee and me.'


----I am half distracted, captain _Shandy_, said Mrs. _Wadman_, holding up her cambrick handkerchief to her left eye, as she approach'd the door of my uncle _Toby's_ sentry-box----a mote----or sand----or something ----I know not what, has got into this eye of mine----do look into it--it is not in the white--

'I am half distracted, captain Shandy,' said Mrs. Wadman, holding up her handkerchief to her left eye, as she approached the door of the sentry-box. 'A mote - or sand - or something - has got into my eye - do look into it.'


In saying which, Mrs. _Wadman_ edged herself close in beside my uncle _Toby_, and squeezing herself down upon the corner of his bench, she gave him an opportunity of doing it without rising up ----Do look into it--said she.

In saying which, Mrs. Wadman edged herself close in beside my uncle Toby, and squeezed herself upon the corner of his bench. 'Do look into it,' said she.


thou didst look into it with as much innocency of heart, as ever child look'd into a raree-shew-box; and 'twere as much a sin to have hurt thee.

thou didst look into it with as much innocence as a child; and 'twere as much a sin to have hurt thee.


----If a man will be peeping of his own accord into things of that nature ----I've nothing to say to it----


My uncle _Toby_ never did: and I will answer for him, that he would have sat quietly upon a sofa from _June_ to _January_ (which, you know, takes in both the hot and cold months), with an eye as fine as the _Thracian_[8.4] _Rodope's_ beside him, without being able to tell, whether it was a black or blue one.

I will answer for my uncle Toby, that he would have sat quietly upon a sofa from June to January, with an eye as fine as the Thracian Rodope's beside him, without being able to tell whether it was black or blue.


The difficulty was to get my uncle _Toby_ to look at one at all.

The difficulty was to get my uncle Toby to look at an eye at all.


I see him yonder with his pipe pendulous in his hand, and the ashes falling out of it--looking--and looking--then rubbing his eyes--and looking again, with twice the good-nature that ever _Gallileo_ look'd for a spot in the sun.

I see him with his pipe in his hand, and the ashes falling out of it - looking and looking again, with twice the good-nature that ever Galileo looked for a spot in the sun.


for by all the powers which animate the organ ----Widow _Wadman's_ left eye shines this moment as lucid as her right----there is neither mote, or sand, or dust, or chaff, or speck, or particle of opake matter floating in it --There is nothing, my dear paternal uncle!

for Widow Wadman's left eye shines as lucid as her right - there is neither mote, or sand, or dust, or speck floating in it. - Nothing, my dear uncle!


but one lambent delicious fire, furtively shooting out from every part of it, in all directions, into thine----

but one delicious fire, furtively shooting out from it, into thine-


----If thou lookest, uncle _Toby_, in search of this mote one moment longer----thou art undone.

If thou lookest, uncle Toby, one moment longer - thou art undone.


[Footnote 8.4: _Rodope Thracia_ tam inevitabili fascino instructa, tam exact oculus intuens attraxit, ut si in illam quis incidisset, fieri non posset, quin caperetur.


--If you have any objection, --said my father, addressing himself to Dr. _Slop_.

'Have you any objection?' my father asked Dr. Slop.


Not in the least, replied Dr. _Slop_; --for it does not appear on which side of the question it is wrote; ----it may be a composition of a divine of our church, as well as yours, --so that we run equal risques.

'Not in the least,' replied Dr. Slop; 'for it may be composed by a divine of my church, as well as of yours.'


----'Tis wrote upon neither side, quoth _Trim_, for 'tis only upon _Conscience_, an' please your Honours.


_Trim's_ reason put his audience into good-humour, --all but Dr. _Slop_, who turning his head about towards _Trim_, looked a little angry.


Begin, _Trim_, --and read distinctly, quoth my father.

'Begin, Trim, and read distinctly,' quoth my father.


--I will, an' please your Honour, replied the Corporal, making a bow, and bespeaking attention with a slight movement of his right hand.

'I will, an' please your Honour,' replied the Corporal, bowing, and requesting attention with a movement of his hand.


Now I hate to hear a person, especially if he be a traveller, complain that we do not get on so fast in _France_ as we do in _England_; whereas we get on much faster, _consideratis considerandis_; thereby always meaning, that if you weigh their vehicles with the mountains of baggage which you lay both before and behind upon them--and then consider their puny horses, with the very little they give them--'tis a wonder they get on at all: their suffering is most unchristian, and 'tis evident thereupon to me, that a _French_ post-horse would not know what in the world to do, was it not for the two words ****** and ****** in which there is as much sustenance, as if you gave him a peck of corn: now as these words cost nothing, I long from my soul to tell the reader what they are; but here is the question--they must be told him plainly, and with the most distinct articulation, or it will answer no end--and yet to do it in that plain way--though their reverences may laugh at it in the bed-chamber--fell well I wot, they will abuse it in the parlour: for which cause, I have been volving and revolving in my fancy some time, but to no purpose, by what clean device or facette contrivance I might so modulate them, that whilst I satisfy _that ear_ which the reader chuses to _lend_ me --I might not dissatisfy the other which he keeps to himself.

Now I hate to hear a traveller complain that we do not get on so fast in France as we do in England; whereas we get on much faster, all things considered. If you weigh their vehicles with the mountains of baggage, and consider their puny horses, 'tis a wonder they get on at all: a French post-horse would not know what in the world to do, was it not for the two words ****** and ****** in which there is as much sustenance as a bag of corn.
As these words cost nothing, I long to tell the reader what they are; but they must be said plainly, and with the most distinct articulation, or they will not work - and yet to do it in that plain way - your reverences may laugh, or abuse it in the parlour.
Therefore I have been revolving in my fancy for some time, by what clean device I might use the words, so that whilst I satisfy the reader I do not offend him.


----My ink burns my finger to try----and when I have----'twill have a worse consequence----it will burn (I fear) my paper.

- My ink burns my finger to try - but I fear 'twill burn my paper.


But if you wish to know how the _abbess_ of _Andoillets_ and a novice of her convent got over the difficulty (only first wishing myself all imaginable success) --I'll tell you without the least scruple.

But if you wish to know how the abbess of Andoillets and a novice of her convent got over the difficulty - I'll tell you without the least scruple.


As _Francis_ the first of _France_ was one winterly night warming himself over the embers of a wood fire, and talking with his first minister of sundry things for the good of the state[4.9] --It would not be amiss, said the king, stirring up the embers with his cane, if this good understanding betwixt ourselves and _Switzerland_ was a little strengthened.

As Francis the first of France was one winterly night warming himself over the fire, and talking with his first minister -
'It would not be amiss,' said the king, stirring up the embers with his cane, 'if this good understanding betwixt ourselves and Switzerland was strengthened.'


--There is no end, Sire, replied the minister, in giving money to these people--they would swallow up the treasury of _France_.

'There is no end in giving money to them, Sire,' replied the minister; 'they would swallow up the treasury of France.'


answered the king--there are more ways, Mons. _le Premier_, of bribing states, besides that of giving money --I'll pay _Switzerland_ the honour of standing godfather for my next child.

answered the king. 'There are more ways of bribing states than giving money. I'll pay Switzerland the honour of being godfather to my next child.'


----Your majesty, said the minister, in so doing, would have all the grammarians in _Europe_ upon your back; ----_Switzerland_, as a republick, being a female, can in no construction be godfather.

'Your majesty,' said the minister, 'you'd have all the grammarians in Europe upon your back; Switzerland, as a republic, being female, cannot be a godfather.'


--She may be godmother, replied _Francis_ hastily--so announce my intentions by a courier to-morrow morning.

'She may be godmother,' replied Francis - 'so announce my intentions by a courier tomorrow.'


I am astonished, said _Francis_ the First, (that day fortnight) speaking to his minister as he entered the closet, that we have had no answer from _Switzerland_.

'I am astonished,' said Francis a fortnight later, to his minister, 'that we have had no answer from Switzerland.'


----Sire, I wait upon you this moment, said Mons. _le Premier_, to lay before you my dispatches upon that business.

'Sire, I have this moment brought you their reply.'


--They do, Sire, replied the minister, and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done them----but the republick, as godmother, claims her right, in this case, of naming the child.

'They do, Sire, and have the highest sense of the honour your majesty has done them - but the republic, as godmother, claims her right of naming the child.'


In all reason, quoth the king----she will christen him _Francis_, or _Henry_, or _Lewis_, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us.

'Probably,' quoth the king, 'she will christen him Francis, or Henry, or some name that she knows will be agreeable to us.'


Your majesty is deceived, replied the minister ----I have this hour received a dispatch from our resident, with the determination of the republick on that point also.

'Your majesty is deceived,' replied the minister. 'I have received a message from our ambassador, with the republic's decision on that point.'


----And what name has the republick fixed upon for the Dauphin?

'And what name has the republic fixed upon for the prince?'


----_Shadrach_, _Meshech_, _Abed-nego_, replied the minister.

'Shadrach, Meshech, Abed-nego,' replied the minister.


--By Saint _Peter's_ girdle, I will have nothing to do with the _Swiss_, cried _Francis_ the First, pulling up his breeches and walking hastily across the floor.

'By Saint Peter's girdle, I will have nothing to do with the Swiss,' cried Francis.


Your majesty, replied the minister calmly, cannot bring yourself off.


We'll pay them in money------said the king.


Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury, answered the minister.

'Sire, there are not sixty thousand crowns in the treasury.'


----I'll pawn the best jewel in my crown, quoth _Francis_ the First.

'I'll pawn the best jewel in my crown,' quoth Francis.


Your honour stands pawn'd already in this matter, answered Monsieur _le Premier_.

'Your honour stands pawned already in this matter.'


Then, Mons. _le Premier_, said the king, by------we'll go to war with 'em.

'Then, Monsieur,' said the king, 'by ___, we'll go to war with 'em.'


cried my father, making an exclamation, as he turned over the leaves to the next chapter, thou art above all gold and treasure; 'tis thou who enlargest the soul, --and openest all its powers to receive instruction and to relish virtue.

exclaimed my father, as he turned to the next chapter, 'thou art above all gold and treasure; 'tis thou who enlargest the soul, ready to receive instruction and to relish virtue.


--He that has thee, has little more to wish for; --and he that is so wretched as to want thee, --wants everything with thee.

He that has thee, has little more to wish for.


I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important head, said my father, into a very little room, therefore we'll read the chapter quite through.

I have concentrated all that can be said upon this important matter into a very little room; therefore we'll read the whole chapter.'


"The whole secret of health depending upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture" --You have proved that matter of fact, I suppose, above, said _Yorick_.

'The whole secret of health depends upon the contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture-'
'You have proved that fact, I suppose,' said Yorick.


Sufficiently, replied my father.
In saying this, my father shut the book, --not as if he resolved to read no more of it, for he kept his forefinger in the chapter: ----nor pettishly, --for he shut the book slowly; his thumb resting, when he had done it, upon the upper-side of the cover, as his three fingers supported the lower side of it, without the least compressive violence.----

'Sufficiently,' replied my father, shutting the book - but not pettishly; he kept his fore-finger in the chapter, his thumb resting upon the upper-side of the cover, and his three fingers supporting the lower side of it, without the least compressive violence.


I have demonstrated the truth of that point, quoth my father, nodding to _Yorick_, most sufficiently in the preceding chapter.

'I have demonstrated the truth of that point,' quoth my father, nodding, 'most sufficiently in the preceding chapter.'


Now could the man in the moon be told, that a man in the earth had wrote a chapter, sufficiently demonstrating, That the secret of all health depended upon the due contention for mastery betwixt the _radical heat_ and the _radical moisture_, --and that he had managed the point so well, that there was not one single word wet or dry upon radical heat or radical moisture, throughout the whole chapter, --or a single syllable in it, _pro_ or _con_, directly or indirectly, upon the contention betwixt these two powers in any part of the animal conomy----

Now if the man in the moon could be told that a man on the earth had wrote a chapter demonstrating that the secret of all health depended upon the contention for mastery betwixt the radical heat and the radical moisture, - and that he had managed it so well, that there was not one single word wet or dry upon heat or moisture, throughout the whole chapter-


--he would cry, striking his breast with his right hand (in case he had one)-- "Thou whose power and goodness can enlarge the faculties of thy creatures to this infinite degree of excellence and perfection, --What have we MOONITES done?"

he would cry, striking his breast with his hand (if he had one.) 'Thou whose power and goodness can bring thy creatures to this infinite degree of perfection - What have we Moonites done?'


------"So hating, I say, to make mysteries of _nothing_" ----I intrusted it with the post-boy, as soon as ever I got off the stones; he gave a crack with his whip to balance the compliment; and with the thill-horse trotting, and a sort of an up and a down of the other, we danced it along to _Ailly au clochers_, famed in days of yore for the finest chimes in the world; but we danced through it without music--the chimes being greatly out of order--(as in truth they were through all _France_).

- 'So hating, I say, to make mysteries of nothing' - I entrusted it with the post-boy, as soon as I got into the chaise; he gave a crack with his whip, and with the horse trotting, we danced it along to Ailly au Clochers, famed in days of yore for the finest chimes in the world; but we danced through it without music - the chimes being greatly out of order (as they were through all France).


_Ailly au clochers_, I got to _Hixcourt_, from _Hixcourt_, I got to _Pequignay_, and from _Pequignay_, I got to AMIENS,
concerning which town I have nothing to inform you, but what I have informed you once before----and that was--that _Janatone_ went there to school.

Ailly au Clochers, I got to Hixcourt, and then to Pequignay, and then Amiens, about which town I have nothing to inform you, but what I told you once before - that Janatone went there to school.


Why weavers, gardeners, and gladiators--or a man with a pined leg (proceeding from some ailment in the _foot_)--should ever have had some tender nymph breaking her heart in secret for them, are points well and duly settled and accounted for by ancient and modern physiologists.

Why weavers, gardeners, and gladiators - or a man with a wasted leg - should ever have had some tender nymph breaking her heart in secret for them, are points well accounted for by ancient and modern physiologists.


A water-drinker, provided he is a profess'd one, and does it without fraud or covin, is precisely in the same predicament: not that, at first sight, there is any consequence, or show of logic in it, "That a rill of cold water dribbling through my inward parts, should light up a torch in my _Jenny's_--"

A water-drinker, provided he is a professed one, and does it without fraud, is precisely in the same predicament: not that, at first sight, there is any logic in it, 'That a rill of cold water dribbling through my inward parts, should light up a torch in my Jenny's-'


----The proposition does not strike one; on the contrary, it seems to run opposite to the natural workings of causes and effects----

- It seems to run opposite to the natural workings of causes and effects-


But it shews the weakness and imbecility of human reason.

But it shows the weakness of human reason.


----"And in perfect good health with it?"


--The most perfect, --Madam, that friendship herself could wish me----


"And drink nothing! --nothing but water?"


the moment thou pressest against the flood-gates of the brain----see how they give way!----

the moment thou pressest against the flood-gates of the brain - see how they give way!


In swims CURIOSITY, beckoning to her damsels to follow--they dive into the centre of the current----

In swims Curiosity with her damsels - they dive into the centre of the current-


FANCY sits musing upon the bank, and with her eyes following the stream, turns straws and bulrushes into masts and bowsprits ----And DESIRE, with vest held up to the knee in one hand, snatches at them, as they swim by her with the other----

Fancy sits musing upon the bank, and, watching the stream, turns straws and bulrushes into masts and bowsprits. And Desire, with her vest held up in one hand, snatches at them with the other, as they swim by-


is it then by this delusive fountain, that ye have so often governed and turn'd this world about like a mill-wheel-- grinding the faces of the impotent--bepowdering their ribs--bepeppering their noses, and changing sometimes even the very frame and face of nature----

is it by this delusive fountain, that ye have so often turned this world around like a mill-wheel - grinding the faces of the impotent - bepeppering their noses, and changing the very face of nature-


If I was you, quoth _Yorick_, I would drink more water, _Eugenius_ --And, if I was you, _Yorick_, replied _Eugenius_, so would I.

'If I was you,' quoth Yorick, 'I would drink more water, Eugenius.'
'And, if I was you, Yorick,' replied Eugenius, 'so would I.'


Which shews they had both read _Longinus_----

Which shows they had both read Longinus-


For my own part, I am resolved never to read any book but my own, as long as I live.


I am now beginning to get fairly into my work; and by the help of a vegetable diet, with a few of the cold seeds, I make no doubt but I shall be able to go on with my uncle _Toby's_ story, and my own, in a tolerable strait line.

I am now beginning to get fairly into my work; and have no doubt that I shall be able to go on with my uncle Toby's story, and my own, in a tolerable straight line.


These were the four lines I moved in through my first, second, third, and fourth volumes.


[6.4] --In the fifth volume I have been very good, ----the precise line I have described in it being this:

In the fifth volume I have been very good, - the precise line I have described in it being this:


By which it appears, that except at the curve, marked A, where I took a trip to _Navarre_, --and the indented curve _B_, which is the short airing when I was there with the Lady _Baussiere_ and her page, --I have not taken the least frisk of a digression, till _John de la Casse's_ devils led me the round you see marked D. --for as for _c c c c c_ they are nothing but parentheses, and the common _ins_ and _outs_ incident to the lives of the greatest ministers of state; and when compared with what men have done, --or with my own transgressions at the letters A B D--they vanish into nothing.

By which it appears, that except at the curve, marked A, where I took a trip to Navarre, and B, which is the short airing when I was there with the Lady Baussiere and her page, I have not taken the least frisk of a digression, till John de la Casse's devils led me the round you see marked D. As for c c c c c, they are nothing but parentheses, and the ins and outs common to the lives of the greatest ministers of state; and when compared with my transgressions at the letters A B D - they vanish into nothing.


In this last volume I have done better still--for from the end of _Le Fever's_ episode, to the beginning of my uncle _Toby's_ campaigns, --I have scarce stepped a yard out of my way.

In this last volume I have done better still - for from the end of Le Fever's episode, to the beginning of my uncle Toby's campaigns, I have scarce stepped a yard out of my way.


If I mend at this rate, it is not impossible----by the good leave of his grace of _Benevento's_ devils----but I may arrive hereafter at the excellency of going on even thus:

If I mend at this rate, it is not impossible that I may arrive at the excellency of going on even thus:


which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it, by a writing-master's ruler (borrowed for that purpose), turning neither to the right hand or to the left.

which is a line drawn as straight as I could draw it, with a ruler, turning neither to the right nor left.


This _right line_, --the path-way for Christians to walk in!

This line - the path-way for Christians to walk in!


----The _best line!_ say cabbage planters----is the shortest line, says _Archimedes_, which can be drawn from one given point to another.----

- The best line! say cabbage planters - is the shortest line, says Archimedes, which can be drawn from one point to another.


I wish your ladyships would lay this matter to heart, in your next birth-day suits!


Pray can you tell me, --that is, without anger, before I write my chapter upon straight lines----by what mistake----who told them so----or how it has come to pass, that your men of wit and genius have all along confounded this line, with the line of GRAVITATION?

Pray can you tell me, without anger, before I write my chapter upon straight lines - by what mistake it has come to pass, that your men of genius have all along confounded this line with the line of Gravitation?


[Footnote 6.4: Alluding to the first edition.]


----And lastly--for all the choice anecdotes which history can produce of this matter, continued my father, --this, like the gilded dome which covers in the fabric--crowns all.--

'And lastly, of all the choice anecdotes which history gives us on this matter,' continued my father, 'this, like a gilded dome, crowns all.


'Tis of _Cornelius Gattus_, the prtor--which, I dare say, brother _Toby_, you have read, --I dare say I have not, replied my uncle.

'Tis the story of Cornelius Gallus, which, I dare say, brother Toby, you have read.'
'I dare say I have not,' replied my uncle.


----He died, said my father, as *************** --And if it was with his wife, said my uncle _Toby_--there could be no hurt in it --That's more than I know--replied my father.

'He died,' said my father, 'while **********.'
'If it was with his wife,' said my uncle Toby, 'there could be no hurt in it.'
'That's more than I know,' replied my father.


The _Mortgager_ and _Mortgage_ differ the one from the other, not more in length of purse, than the _Jester_ and _Jeste_ do, in that of memory. But in this the comparison between them runs, as the scholiasts call it, upon all-four; which, by the bye, is upon one or two legs more than some of the best of _Homer's_ can pretend to; --namely, That the one raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expence, and thinks no more about it.

The Mortgager and the Jester differ in this: the one raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expense, and they think no more about it.


Interest, however, still runs on in both cases; --the periodical or accidental payments of it, just serving to keep the memory of the affair alive; till, at length, in some evil hour, --pop comes the creditor upon each, and by demanding principal upon the spot, together with full interest to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent of their obligations.

Interest, however, still runs on in both cases; the periodical or accidental payments of it just serving to keep the memory of the affair alive; till, at length, in some evil hour - pop comes the creditor upon each, demanding full payment on the spot.


As the reader (for I hate your _ifs_) has a thorough knowledge of human nature, I need not say more to satisfy him, that my HERO could not go on at this rate without some slight experience of these incidental mementos.

As the reader (for I hate your ifs) has a thorough knowledge of human nature, I need not say more than that my Hero, Yorick, had some slight experience of this.


To speak the truth, he had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of small book-debts of this stamp, which, notwithstanding _Eugenius's_ frequent advice, he too much disregarded; thinking, that as not one of them was contracted thro' any malignancy; --but, on the contrary, from an honesty of mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they would all of them be cross'd out in course.

He had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of small debts of this sort, which, despite Eugenius's frequent advice, he disregarded; thinking that as his jests had been made not through any malignancy, but, on the contrary, from honesty and jocund humour, he would not be held to account for them.


_Eugenius_ would never admit this; and would often tell him, that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned with; and he would often add, in an accent of sorrowful apprehension, --to the uttermost mite.

Eugenius would often tell him sorrowfully that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned with.


To which _Yorick_, with his usual carelessness of heart, would as often answer with a pshaw!

To which Yorick, with his usual carelessness, would answer with a pshaw!


--and if the subject was started in the fields--with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it; but if close pent up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit was barricado'd in, with a table and a couple of armchairs, and could not so readily fly off in a tangent, --_Eugenius_ would then go on with his lecture upon discretion in words to this purpose, though somewhat better put together.

- and if the subject was started in the fields, with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it. But if pent up in the social chimney-corner, where he was barricadoed in with a table and a couple of armchairs, and could not escape, Eugenius would then lecture him in this way:


Trust me, dear _Yorick_, this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties, which no after-wit can extricate thee out of.

'Trust me, dear Yorick, this jesting will sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties, from which thy wit will not rescue thee.


----In these sallies, too oft, I see, it happens, that a person laughed at, considers himself in the light of a person injured, with all the rights of such a situation belonging to him; and when thou viewest him in that light too, and reckons up his friends, his family, his kindred and allies, ----and musters up with them the many recruits which will list under him from a sense of common danger; ----'tis no extravagant arithmetick to say, that for every ten jokes, --thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

A person laughed at, considers himself an injured man; and when he counts up his friends, family, and allies, 'tis no extravagance to say that for every ten jokes, thou hast got an hundred enemies; yet till thou hast raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.


I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there is the least spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in these sallies ----I believe and know them to be truly honest and sportive: --But consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot distinguish this, --and that knaves will not: and thou knowest not what it is, either to provoke the one, or to make merry with the other: ----whenever they associate for mutual defence, depend upon it, they will carry on the war in such a manner against thee, my dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life too.

'I know that there is no ill-will in your jests - I believe them to be honest and playful. But consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot distinguish this, and that knaves will not: and depend upon it, they will wage war in such a manner against thee, my dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life too.


Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set right.

'Revenge from some baneful corner shall tell a tale of dishonour about thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set right.


----The fortunes of thy house shall totter, --thy character, which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of it, --thy faith questioned, --thy works belied, --thy wit forgotten, --thy learning trampled on.

The fortunes of thy house shall totter - thy character shall bleed: thy faith questioned, thy works belied, thy wit forgotten, thy learning trampled on.


To wind up the last scene of thy tragedy, CRUELTY and COWARDICE, twin ruffians, hired and set on by MALICE in the dark, shall strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes: ----The best of us, my dear lad, lie open there, ----and trust me, ----trust me, _Yorick, when to gratify a private appetite, it is once resolved upon, that an innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed, 'tis an easy matter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it has strayed, to make a fire to offer it up with_.

Cruelty and Cowardice, twin ruffians, hired and set on by Malice in the dark, shall strike together at thy weaknesses. Trust me, Yorick, when it is decided that an innocent creature shall be sacrificed, 'tis easy to pick up enough sticks from any thicket where it has strayed, to make a fire to burn it on.'


_Yorick_ scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read over to him, but with a fear stealing from his eye, and a promissory look attending it, that he was resolved, for the time to come, to ride his tit with more sobriety.

Yorick scarce ever heard this sad lecture without fear and promises to act more soberly.


--a grand confederacy, with ***** and ***** at the head of it, was formed before the first prediction of it.

- A grand confederacy, with ***** and ***** at its head, was already formed.


--The whole plan of the attack, just as _Eugenius_ had foreboded, was put in execution all at once, --with so little mercy on the side of the allies, --and so little suspicion in _Yorick_, of what was carrying on against him, --that when he thought, good easy man!

The plan of the attack, just as Eugenius had foreboded, was put in execution with so little mercy on the side of the allies, and so little suspicion in Yorick of what was going on, that when he thought, good easy man!


full surely preferment was o' ripening, --they had smote his root, and then he fell, as many a worthy man had fallen before him.

that surely preferment was ripening - they cut him down at root, and then he fell.


_Yorick_, however, fought it out with all imaginable gallantry for some time; till, overpowered by numbers, and worn out at length by the calamities of the war, --but more so, by the ungenerous manner in which it was carried on, --he threw down the sword; and though he kept up his spirits in appearance to the last, he died, nevertheless, as was generally thought, quite broken-hearted.

Yorick fought gallantly for some time; till, overpowered by numbers, and worn out, he threw down the sword; and though he kept up his spirits in appearance to the last, he died, it seems, quite broken-hearted.


What inclined _Eugenius_ to the same opinion was as follows:

What inclined Eugenius to think this was as follows:


A few hours before _Yorick_ breathed his last, _Eugenius_ stept in with an intent to take his last sight and last farewell of him.

A few hours before Yorick breathed his last, Eugenius took his final farewell of him.


Upon his drawing _Yorick's_ curtain, and asking how he felt himself, _Yorick_ looking up in his face took hold of his hand, --and after thanking him for the many tokens of his friendship to him, for which, he said, if it was their fate to meet hereafter, --he would thank him again and again, --he told him, he was within a few hours of giving his enemies the slip for ever.

Upon his drawing Yorick's curtain, and asking how he felt, Yorick looked up in his face and grasped his hand. After thanking him for the many tokens of his friendship, Yorick told him he was within a few hours of giving his enemies the slip for ever.


--I hope not, answered _Eugenius_, with tears trickling down his cheeks, and with the tenderest tone that ever man spoke.

'I hope not,' answered Eugenius tenderly, with tears trickling down his cheeks.


----_Yorick_ replied, with a look up, and a gentle squeeze of _Eugenius's_ hand, and that was all, --but it cut _Eugenius_ to his heart, --Come--come, _Yorick_, quoth _Eugenius_, wiping his eyes, and summoning up the man within him, --my dear lad, be comforted, --let not all thy spirits and fortitude forsake thee at this crisis when thou most wants them; ----who knows what resources are in store, and what the power of God may yet do for thee?

Yorick replied only with a look and a gentle squeeze of Eugenius's hand, which cut him to the heart.
'Come, come, Yorick,' said he, 'my dear lad, be comforted, let not thy fortitude forsake thee now; who knows what the power of God may yet do for thee?'


----_Yorick_ laid his hand upon his heart, and gently shook his head; --For my part, continued _Eugenius_, crying bitterly as he uttered the words, --I declare I know not, _Yorick_, how to part with thee, and would gladly flatter my hopes, added _Eugenius_, chearing up his voice, that there is still enough left of thee to make a bishop, and that I may live to see it.

Yorick gently shook his head.
Eugenius continued, crying bitterly, 'I know not, Yorick, how to part with thee. I hope that thou mayst still live long enough to be made a bishop.'


----I beseech thee, _Eugenius_, quoth _Yorick_, taking off his night-cap as well as he could with his left hand, ----his right being still grasped close in that of _Eugenius_, ----I beseech thee to take a view of my head.

'I beseech thee, Eugenius,' said Yorick, taking off his night-cap with his left hand, his right still grasping that of Eugenius, 'I beseech thee to take a view of my head.'


--I see nothing that ails it, replied _Eugenius_.


my friend, said _Yorick_, let me tell you, that 'tis so bruised and mis-shapened with the blows which ***** and *****, and some others have so unhandsomely given me, in the dark, that I might say with _Sancho Pana_, that should I recover, and "Mitres thereupon be suffered to rain down from heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would fit it."

my friend,' said Yorick, ''tis so bruised and mis-shapen with the blows which ***** and ***** have given me in the dark, that I might say with Sancho Panza, that should I recover, and bishops' mitres "rain down from heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would fit."'


----_Yorick's_ last breath was hanging upon his trembling lips ready to depart as he uttered this: ----yet still it was uttered with something of a _Cervantick_ tone; ----and as he spoke it, _Eugenius_ could perceive a stream of lambent fire lighted up for a moment in his eyes; ----faint picture of those flashes of his spirit, which (as _Shakespeare_ said of his ancestor) were wont to set the table in a roar!

Yorick's last breath was hanging upon his trembling lips as he uttered this: yet still it was said with something of a Cervantick tone; and as he spoke, Eugenius perceived a fire light up for a moment in his eyes; a faint reflection of those flashes of his spirit, which (as Shakespeare said of his ancestor) were wont to set the table in a roar!


_Eugenius_ was convinced from this, that the heart of his friend was broke: he squeezed his hand, ----and then walked softly out of the room, weeping as he walked.

Eugenius was convinced from this, that his friend's heart was broken: he squeezed his hand, and then walked softly out of the room, weeping.


_Yorick_ followed _Eugenius_ with his eyes to the door, --he then closed them, --and never opened them more.

Yorick followed Eugenius with his eyes to the door: he then closed them, and never opened them more.


[Illustration (full-page black tombstone)]


He lies buried in the corner of his churchyard, in the parish of ------, under a plain marble slab, which his friend _Eugenius_, by leave of his executors, laid upon his grave, with no more than these three words of inscription, serving both for his epitaph and elegy.

He lies buried in the corner of his churchyard, in the parish of ___, under a plain marble slab, which his friend Eugenius laid upon his grave, with no more than these three words of inscription serving both for his epitaph and elegy.


Ten times a day has _Yorick's_ ghost the consolation to hear his monumental inscription read over with such a variety of plaintive tones, as denote a general pity and esteem for him; ----a foot-way crossing the churchyard close by the side of his grave, --not a passenger goes by without stopping to cast a look upon it, --and sighing as he walks on,

Ten times a day has Yorick's ghost the consolation of hearing this inscription read over with a variety of plaintive tones, denoting pity and esteem: no-one goes by the grave without stopping to cast a look upon it, and sighing as he walks on,


------Then, positively, there is nothing in the question that I can see, either good or bad.

Then, there is nothing in the question that I can see, either good or bad.


----Then, let me tell you, Sir, it was a very unseasonable question at least, --because it scattered and dispersed the animal spirits, whose business it was to have escorted and gone hand in hand with the _HOMUNCULUS_, and conducted him safe to the place destined for his reception.

-Then, let me tell you, Sir, it was a very badly-timed question, because it scattered the animal spirits, who should have escorted and gone hand in hand with the Homunculus, the newly created little being: and have conducted him safe to the place destined for his reception.


The HOMUNCULUS, Sir, in however low and ludicrous a light he may appear, in this age of levity, to the eye of folly or prejudice; --to the eye of reason in scientifick research, he stands confess'd--a BEING guarded and circumscribed with rights.

The Homunculus, Sir, however ludicrous he may appear to the eye of folly or prejudice; - to the eye of scientific reason, he is a Being with rights.


----The minutest philosophers, who, by the bye, have the most enlarged understandings (their souls being inversely as their enquiries), shew us incontestably, that the HOMUNCULUS is created by the same hand, --engender'd in the same course of nature, --endow'd with the same locomotive powers and faculties with us: --That he consists as we do, of skin, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves, cartilages, bones, marrow, brains, glands, genitals, humours, and articulations; --is a Being of as much activity, --and, in all senses of the word, as much and as truly our fellow-creature as my Lord Chancellor of _England_.

Philosophers show us that the Homunculus consists as we do, of skin, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, nerves, bones, marrow, brains, glands, genitals and humours; - that he is as truly our fellow-creature as the Lord Chancellor of England.


--He may be benefited, --he may be injured, --he may obtain redress; --in a word, he has all the claims and rights of humanity, which _Tully_, _Puffendorf_, or the best ethick writers allow to arise out of that state and relation.

In a word, he has all the rights of humanity, as laid down by Tully, Pullendorf and the best ethic writers.


Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen him in his way alone!

Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen him in his way!


--or that, through terror of it, natural to so young a traveller, my little Gentleman had got to his journey's end miserably spent; --his muscular strength and virility worn down to a thread; --his own animal spirits ruffled beyond description, --and that in this sad disordered state of nerves, he had lain down a prey to sudden starts, or a series of melancholy dreams and fancies, for nine long, long months together.

Or if, through terror, my little Gentleman had got to his journey's end miserably spent; his strength and virility worn down to a thread; his own animal spirits ruffled beyond description,- and that in this sad disordered state of nerves, he had lain a prey to fear and melancholy for nine long, long months together.


--I tremble to think what a foundation had been laid for a thousand weaknesses both of body and mind, which no skill of the physician or the philosopher could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to rights.

I tremble to think what a foundation would have been laid for a thousand weaknesses of body and mind, which could never afterwards be set to rights.


What a chapter of chances, said my father, turning himself about upon the first landing, as he and my uncle _Toby_ were going downstairs--what a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us!

'What a chapter of chances,' said my father, turning on the first landing, as he and my uncle Toby were going downstairs - 'what a long chapter of chances do the events of this world lay open to us!


Take pen and ink in hand, brother _Toby_, and calculate it fairly ----I know no more of calculation than this balluster, said my uncle _Toby_ (striking short of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a desperate blow souse upon his shin-bone)----'Twas a hundred to one--cried my uncle _Toby_ --I thought, quoth my father (rubbing his shin), you had known nothing of calculations, brother _Toby_. 'Tis a mere chance, said my uncle _Toby_.

Take pen in hand, brother Toby, and calculate it.'
'I know no more of calculation than this banister,' said my uncle Toby (attempting to strike it with his crutch, and hitting my father a blow upon his shin-bone). ''Twas a hundred to one chance,' cried my uncle.
'I thought,' quoth my father (rubbing his shin), 'you knew nothing of calculations, brother.'


------Then it adds one to the chapter----replied my father.


The double success of my father's repartees tickled off the pain of his shin at once--it was well it so fell out--(chance!

The success of my father's repartee tickled off the pain of his shin. It was well it happened (chance!


again)--or the world to this day had never known the subject of my father's calculation----to guess it--there was no chance ----What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out!

again) - or the world would never have known the subject of my father's calculation - there was no chance of guessing it-
What a lucky chapter of chances has this turned out!


for it has saved me the trouble of writing one express, and in truth I have enough already upon my hands without it.

for it has saved me the trouble of writing one especially, and in truth I have enough already upon my hands without it.


--Have not I promised the world a chapter of knots?

Have I not promised the world a chapter of knots?


two chapters upon the right and the wrong end of a woman?

two chapters upon the right and wrong end of a woman?


--No, I have done that--a chapter upon my uncle _Toby's_ modesty?

No, I have done that. A chapter upon my uncle Toby's modesty?


to say nothing of a chapter upon chapters, which I will finish before I sleep--by my great-grandfather's whiskers, I shall never get half of 'em through this year.

to say nothing of a chapter upon chapters, which I will finish before I sleep. By my great-grandfather's whiskers, I shall never get through half of 'em this year.


Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it fairly, brother _Toby_, said my father, and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of the body, the edge of the forceps should have the ill luck just to fall upon and break down that one part, which should break down the fortunes of our house with it.

'Take pen in hand, and calculate it,' said my father, 'and it will turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of the body, the forceps should have the ill luck just to break that part, which should destroy the fortunes of our house with it.'


It might have been worse, replied my uncle _Toby_.

'It might have been worse,' replied my uncle Toby.


------Suppose the hip had presented, replied my uncle _Toby_, as Dr. _Slop_ foreboded.

'Suppose the hip had presented, as Dr. Slop foreboded.'


My father reflected half a minute--looked down----touched the middle of his forehead slightly with his finger------


Just as the corporal was humming, to begin--in waddled Dr. _Slop_.

Just as the corporal was beginning - in waddled Dr. Slop.


--'Tis not two-pence matter--the corporal shall go on in the next chapter, let who will come in.----

'Tis no matter - the corporal shall go on in the next chapter.


Well, my good doctor, cried my father sportively, for the transitions of his passions were unaccountably sudden, --and what has this whelp of mine to say to the matter?

'Well, my good doctor,' cried my father sportively, for his changes of mood were unaccountably sudden; 'and how is this whelp of mine faring?'


Had my father been asking after the amputation of the tail of a puppy-dog--he could not have done it in a more careless air: the system which Dr. _Slop_ had laid down, to treat the accident by, no way allowed of such a mode of enquiry. --He sat down.

Had my father been asking about the amputation of a puppy-dog's tail, he could not have done it more carelessly. Dr. Slop did not care for this mode of enquiry.- He sat down.


Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle _Toby_, in a manner which could not go unanswered, --in what condition is the boy?

'Pray, Sir,' quoth my uncle Toby more earnestly, 'in what condition is the boy?'


--'Twill end in a _phimosis_, replied Dr. _Slop_.

''Twill end in a phimosis,' replied Dr. Slop.


I am no wiser than I was, quoth my uncle _Toby_--returning his pipe into his mouth.

'I am no wiser than I was,' quoth my uncle Toby.


----Then let the corporal go on, said my father, with his medical lecture.

'Then let the corporal go on,' said my father, 'with his medical lecture.'


--The corporal made a bow to his old friend, Dr. _Slop_, and then delivered his opinion concerning radical heat and radical moisture, in the following words.

The corporal made a bow to Dr. Slop, and then continued:


I think, an' please your honour, quoth _Trim_, the fortifications are quite destroyed----and the bason is upon a level with the mole ----I think so too; replied my uncle _Toby_ with a sigh half suppress'd----but step into the parlour, _Trim_, for the stipulation----it lies upon the table.

'I think, your honour,' quoth Trim, 'the fortifications are quite destroyed.'
'I think so too,' replied my uncle Toby with a sigh;- 'but step into the parlour, Trim, for the treaty - it lies upon the table.'


It has lain there these six weeks, replied the corporal, till this very morning that the old woman kindled the fire with it--

'It has lain there these six weeks,' replied the corporal, 'till this very morning, when the old woman kindled the fire with it.'


----Then, said my uncle _Toby_, there is no further occasion for our services.

'Then,' said my uncle, 'there is no further need for our services.'


The more, an' please your honour, the pity, said the corporal; in uttering which he cast his spade into the wheel-barrow, which was beside him, with an air the most expressive of disconsolation that can be imagined, and was heavily turning about to look for his pickax, his pioneer's shovel, his picquets, and other little military stores, in order to carry them off the field----when a heigh-ho!

'The more's the pity,' said the corporal. He cast his spade into the wheel-barrow with a disconsolate air, and was heavily turning around to look for his pickaxe and shovel, to carry them off the field - when a 'heigh-ho!'


from the sentry-box, which being made of thin slit deal, reverberated the sound more sorrowfully to his ear, forbad him.

reverberating sorrowfully from the sentry-box forbade him.


----No; said the corporal to himself, I'll do it before his honour rises to-morrow morning; so taking his spade out of the wheel-barrow again, with a little earth in it, as if to level something at the foot of the glacis----but with a real intent to approach nearer to his master, in order to divert him----he loosen'd a sod or two----pared their edges with his spade, and having given them a gentle blow or two with the back of it, he sat himself down close by my uncle _Toby's_ feet, and began as follows.

'No,' said the corporal to himself. 'I'll do it before his honour rises to-morrow morning.' So, taking his spade out of the wheel-barrow again, in order to divert his master, he loosened a sod or two, and having given them a gentle blow with the back of the spade, he sat down close by my uncle Toby's feet, and began as follows.


Had this volume been a farce, which, unless every one's life and opinions are to be looked upon as a farce as well as mine, I see no reason to suppose--the last chapter, Sir, had finished the first act of it, and then this chapter must have set off thus.

Had this volume been a farce, which, unless everyone's life and opinions are regarded as a farce, I see no reason to suppose - the last chapter, Sir, would have finished the first act of it, and then this chapter must have set off thus.


Ptr..r..r..ing--twing--twang--prut--trut----'tis a cursed bad fiddle.

Ptr..r..r..ing - twing - twang - prut - trut - 'tis a cursed bad fiddle.


--Do you know whether my fiddle's in tune or no?


--trut..prut.. --They should be _fifths_.


--The bridge is a mile too high, and the sound post absolutely down, --else--trut . . prut--hark!

- The bridge is a mile too high - trut, prut - hark!


--Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle, dum.


There is nothing in playing before good judges, --but there's a man there--no--not him with the bundle under his arm--the grave man in black. --'Sdeath!

There is no problem in playing before good judges, but there's a man there - the grave man in black - 'Sdeath!


--Sir, I had rather play a _Caprichio_ to _Calliope_ herself, than draw my bow across my fiddle before that very man; and yet I'll stake my _Cremona_ to a _Jew's_ trump, which is the greatest musical odds that ever were laid, that I will this moment stop three hundred and fifty leagues out of tune upon my fiddle, without punishing one single nerve that belongs to him --Twaddle diddle, tweddle diddle, --twiddle diddle, ----twoddle diddle, --twuddle diddle, ----prut trut--krish--krash--krush.

Sir, I had rather play a Caprichio to Calliope, than draw my bow across my fiddle before that man; and yet I'll wager the greatest musical odds ever laid, that I will this moment go three hundred leagues out of tune upon my fiddle, without punishing one single nerve of his.-
Twaddle diddle, tweddle diddle, - twiddle diddle, - twoddle diddle, - twuddle diddle, - prut trut - krish - krash - krush.


--I've undone you, Sir, --but you see he's no worse, --and was _Apollo_ to take his fiddle after me, he can make him no better.

I've undone you, Sir, but you see he's no worse.


Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle--hum--dum--drum.

Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle - hum - drum.


--Your worships and your reverences love music--and God has made you all with good ears--and some of you play delightfully yourselves--trut-prut, --prut-trut.

Your worships love music - and some of you play delightfully yourselves - trut-prut, prut-trut.


there is--whom I could sit and hear whole days, --whose talents lie in making what he fiddles to be felt, --who inspires me with his joys and hopes, and puts the most hidden springs of my heart into motion.

I could sit and listen whole days, to one who can make what he fiddles to be felt, who inspires me with his joys and hopes, and puts the hidden springs of my heart into motion.


--If you would borrow five guineas of me, Sir, --which is generally ten guineas more than I have to spare--or you Messrs. Apothecary and Taylor, want your bills paying, --that's your time.


When my uncle _Toby_ had turned everything into money, and settled all accounts betwixt the agent of the regiment and _Le Fever_, and betwixt _Le Fever_ and all mankind, ----there remained nothing more in my uncle _Toby's_ hands, than an old regimental coat and a sword; so that my uncle _Toby_ found little or no opposition from the world in taking administration.

When my uncle Toby had turned Le Fever's belongings into money and settled all his accounts, there was nothing left but an old regimental coat and a sword.


The coat my uncle _Toby_ gave the corporal; ----Wear it, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, as long as it will hold together, for the sake of the poor lieutenant ----And this, ----said my uncle _Toby_, taking up the sword in his hand, and drawing it out of the scabbard as he spoke----and this, _Le Fever_, I'll save for thee, --'tis all the fortune, continued my uncle _Toby_, hanging it up upon a crook, and pointing to it, --'tis all the fortune, my dear _Le Fever_, which God has left thee; but if he has given thee a heart to fight thy way with it in the world, --and thou doest it like a man of honour, --'tis enough for us.

The coat my uncle gave to the corporal.
'Wear it, Trim,' said he, 'for the sake of the poor lieutenant. - And this' - my uncle Toby drew the sword out of the scabbard as he spoke - 'this, young Le Fever, I'll save for thee. 'Tis all the fortune which God has left thee; but if he has given thee a heart to fight thy way with - and thou doest it like a man of honour - 'tis enough for us.'


As soon as my uncle _Toby_ had laid a foundation, and taught him to inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to a public school, where, excepting _Whitsontide_ and _Christmas_, at which times the corporal was punctually dispatched for him, --he remained to the spring of the year, seventeen; when the stories of the emperor's sending his army into _Hungary_ against the _Turks_, kindling a spark of fire in his bosom, he left his _Greek_ and _Latin_ without leave, and throwing himself upon his knees before my uncle _Toby_, begged his father's sword, and my uncle _Toby's_ leave along with it, to go and try his fortune under _Eugene_.

As soon as my uncle Toby had laid a foundation, and taught the boy to inscribe a regular polygon in a circle, he sent him to a public school, where - except Whitsuntide and Christmas, when the corporal went to fetch him home - he remained until the spring of 1717. Then, fired by stories of the emperor's sending his army into Hungary against the Turks, he left his Greek and Latin without leave; and throwing himself upon his knees before my uncle, begged his father's sword, and my uncle's permission to go and try his fortune as a soldier.


--Twice did my uncle _Toby_ forget his wound and cry out, _Le Fever!_ I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight beside me ----And twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and hung down his head in sorrow and disconsolation.----

Twice did my uncle Toby forget his wound and cry out, 'Le Fever! I will go with thee, and thou shalt fight beside me.' - And twice he laid his hand upon his groin, and hung his head in sorrow.


My uncle _Toby_ took down the sword from the crook, where it had hung untouched ever since the lieutenant's death, and delivered it to the corporal to brighten up; ----and having detained _Le Fever_ a single fortnight to equip him, and contract for his passage to _Leghorn_, --he put the sword into his hand.

My uncle Toby kept Le Fever a fortnight to equip him, and buy his passage to Leghorn. Then he took down the sword from where it had hung since the lieutenant's death, and put it into his hand.


----If thou art brave, _Le Fever_, said my uncle _Toby_, this will not fail thee, ----but Fortune, said he (musing a little), ----Fortune may ----And if she does, --added my uncle _Toby_, embracing him, come back again to me, _Le Fever_, and we will shape thee another course.

'If thou art brave, Le Fever,' said he, 'this will not fail thee; but' (musing a little), 'Fortune may. If she does, come back again to me, Le Fever,' said he, embracing him, 'and we will shape thee another course.'


The greatest injury could not have oppressed the heart of _Le Fever_ more than my uncle _Toby's_ paternal kindness; ----he parted from my uncle _Toby_, as the best of sons from the best of fathers----both dropped tears----and as my uncle _Toby_ gave him his last kiss, he slipped sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his father's, in which was his mother's ring, into his hand,---- and bid God bless him.

The greatest injury could not have affected Le Fever more than my uncle Toby's kindness; he parted from my uncle as the best of sons from the best of fathers - both dropped tears - and as my uncle Toby gave him his last kiss, he slipped him sixty guineas, tied up in an old purse of his father's, along with his mother's ring; - and bid God bless him.


When my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had marched down to the bottom of the avenue, they recollected their business lay the other way; so they faced about and marched up straight to Mrs. _Wadman's_ door.

When my uncle Toby and the corporal had marched down to the bottom of the avenue, they recollected that their business lay the other way; so they turned around and marched up to Mrs. Wadman's door.


I warrant your honour; said the corporal, touching his _Montero_-cap with his hand, as he passed him in order to give a knock at the door ----My uncle _Toby_, contrary to his invariable way of treating his faithful servant, said nothing good or bad: the truth was, he had not altogether marshal'd his ideas; he wish'd for another conference, and as the corporal was mounting up the three steps before the door--he hem'd twice--a portion of my uncle _Toby's_ most modest spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards the corporal; he stood with the rapper of the door suspended for a full minute in his hand, he scarce knew why.

'I warrant your honour,' said the corporal, touching his Montero-cap with his hand, as he knocked at the door.
My uncle Toby said nothing: the truth was, he had not altogether marshalled his ideas; he wished for another conference. As the corporal was mounting up the three steps before the door, my uncle ahemmed twice; - a portion of his most modest spirits fled, at each expulsion, towards the corporal, who stood with the door rapper suspended for a full minute in his hand, he scarce knew why.


_Bridget_ stood perdue within, with her finger and her thumb upon the latch, benumb'd with expectation; and Mrs. _Wadman_, with an eye ready to be deflowered again, sat breathless behind the window-curtain of her bed-chamber, watching their approach.

Bridget stood inside, with her finger and thumb upon the latch, benumbed with expectation; and Mrs. Wadman, with an eye ready to be deflowered again, sat breathless behind the window-curtain of her bed-chamber, watching their approach.


_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_----but as he articulated the word, the minute expired, and _Trim_ let fall the rapper.

'Trim!' said my uncle Toby - but as he said it, Trim let fall the rapper.


My uncle _Toby_ perceiving that all hopes of a conference were knock'd on the head by it------whistled Lillabullero.

My uncle Toby, perceiving that all hopes of a conference were knocked on the head, whistled Lillabullero.


Now as widow _Wadman_ did love my uncle _Toby_----and my uncle _Toby_ did not love widow _Wadman_, there was nothing for widow _Wadman_ to do, but to go on and love my uncle _Toby_----or let it alone.

Now as widow Wadman loved my uncle Toby, and my uncle Toby did not love widow Wadman, there was nothing for widow Wadman to do but to go on loving my uncle Toby - or let it alone.


Widow _Wadman_ would do neither the one or the other.

She would do neither the one nor the other.


----but I forget I am a little of her temper myself; for whenever it so falls out, which it sometimes does about the equinoxes, that an earthly goddess is so much this, and that, and t'other, that I cannot eat my breakfast for her----and that she careth not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or no----

- but I forget I am a little of her temper myself; for whenever it happens that an earthly goddess is so much this, that, and t'other, that I cannot eat my breakfast - and she cares not three halfpence whether I eat my breakfast or no-


and so I send her to _Tartary_, and from _Tartary_ to _Terra del Fuogo_, and so on to the devil: in short, there is not an infernal nitch where I do not take her divinityship and stick it.

and so I send her to Tartary, and from Tartary to Terra del Fuego, and so on to the devil: in short, there is not an infernal niche where I do not take her divinityship and stick it.


But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky-way----

But as the heart is tender, and its passions ebb and flow ten times a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky-way-


thou wilt shed thy influence upon some one------


----The duce take her and her influence too----for at that word I lose all patience----much good may it do him!

'The deuce take her and her influence too - much good may it do him!


I cry, taking off my furr'd cap, and twisting it round my finger ----I would not give sixpence for a dozen such!

I cry, taking off my furred cap, and twisting it round my finger. 'I would not give sixpence for a dozen such!


----But 'tis an excellent cap too (putting it upon my head, and pressing it close to my ears)--and warm--and soft; especially if you stroke it the right way--but alas!

'But 'tis an excellent cap (putting it upon my head,) - and warm, and soft; especially if you stroke it the right way - but alas!


that will never be my luck----(so here my philosophy is shipwreck'd again).


----No; I shall never have a finger in the pye (so here I break my metaphor)----

'No; I shall never have a finger in the pie' (so here I break my metaphor)-


Top and bottom ----I detest it, I hate it, I repudiate it ----I'm sick at the sight of it----

'Top and bottom - I detest it, I hate it, I'm sick at the sight of it-


'Tis all pepper, garlick, staragen, salt, and devil's dung----by the great arch-cook of cooks, who does nothing, I think, from morning to night, but sit down by the fire-side and invent inflammatory dishes for us, I would not touch it for the world----

''Tis all pepper,
garlic,
salt, and
devil's dung - I would not touch it for the world-'


Jenny!_ replied I, and so went on with the twelfth chapter.

Jenny!' replied I, and so went on with the twelfth chapter.


'Tis a pity, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, resting with his hand upon the corporal's shoulder, as they both stood surveying their works, --that we have not a couple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge of that new redoubt; ----'twould secure the lines all along there, and make the attack on that side quite complete: ----get me a couple cast, _Trim_.

''Tis a pity, Trim,' said my uncle Toby, resting his hand upon the corporal's shoulder, as they stood surveying their works, 'that we have not a couple of field-pieces to mount in that new redoubt; 'twould secure the lines along there, and make the attack on that side quite complete: get me a couple cast, Trim.'


Your honour shall have them, replied _Trim_, before to-morrow morning.

'Your honour shall have them,' replied Trim, 'before to-morrow morning.'


It was the joy of _Trim's_ heart, --nor was his fertile head ever at a loss for expedients in doing it, to supply my uncle _Toby_ in his campaigns, with whatever his fancy called for; had it been his last crown, he would have sate down and hammered it into a paderero, to have prevented a single wish in his Master.

It was the joy of Trim's heart to supply my uncle Toby in his campaigns with whatever his fancy called for; had it been his last coin, he would have sat down and hammered it into a fire-arm, to please his Master.


The corporal had already, --what with cutting off the ends of my uncle _Toby's_ spouts--hacking and chiseling up the sides of his leaden gutters, --melting down his pewter shaving-bason, --and going at last, like _Lewis_ the Fourteenth, on to the top of the church, for spare ends, &c. ----he had that very campaign brought no less than eight new battering cannons, besides three demi-culverins, into the field; my uncle _Toby's_ demand for two more pieces for the redoubt, had set the corporal at work again; and no better resource offering, he had taken the two leaden weights from the nursery window: and as the sash pullies, when the lead was gone, were of no kind of use, he had taken them away also, to make a couple of wheels for one of their carriages.

The corporal had already, - what with cutting off the ends of my uncle Toby's leaden spouts - hacking at the sides of his lead gutters - melting down his pewter shaving-basin, and climbing on the church roof for spare ends of lead, - he had brought no less than eight new battering cannons into the field.
My uncle Toby's demand for two more pieces for the redoubt set the corporal at work again; and he had taken the two leaden weights from the nursery window: and as the sash pulleys were of no use without the weights, he had taken them away also, to make wheels for one of their gun-carriages.


He had dismantled every sash-window in my uncle _Toby's_ house long before, in the very same way, --though not always in the same order; for sometimes the pullies have been wanted, and not the lead, --so then he began with the pullies, --and the pullies being picked out, then the lead became useless, --and so the lead went to pot too.

He had dismantled every sash-window in my uncle Toby's house long before, in the same way, though not always in the same order; for sometimes he began with the pulleys; and with the pulleys gone, the lead became useless, - and so the lead went to pot too.


----A great MORAL might be picked handsomely out of this, but I have not time--'tis enough to say, wherever the demolition began, 'twas equally fatal to the sash window.

A great Moral might be picked handsomely out of this, but I have not time. 'Tis enough to say that wherever the demolition began, 'twas equally fatal to the sash window.


The city of _Limerick_, the siege of which was begun under his majesty king _William_ himself, the year after I went into the army--lies, an' please your honours, in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy country.

'The city of Limerick, the siege of which was begun under his majesty king William, the year after I entered the army, lies in the middle of a devilish wet, swampy country.'


--'Tis quite surrounded, said my uncle _Toby_, with the _Shannon_, and is, by its situation, one of the strongest fortified places in _Ireland_.----

''Tis quite surrounded,' said my uncle Toby, 'with the River Shannon, and is one of the strongest fortified places in Ireland.'


I think this is a new fashion, quoth Dr. _Slop_, of beginning a medical lecture.

'I think this is a new fashion,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'of beginning a medical lecture.'


--Then I wish the faculty would follow the cut of it, said _Yorick_.


--'Tis all cut through, an' please your reverence, said the corporal, with drains and bogs; and besides, there was such a quantity of rain fell during the siege, the whole country was like a puddle, --'twas that, and nothing else, which brought on the flux, and which had like to have killed both his honour and myself; now there was no such thing, after the first ten days, continued the corporal, for a soldier to lie dry in his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to draw off the water; --nor was that enough, for those who could afford it, as his honour could, without setting fire every night to a pewter dish full of brandy, which took off the damp of the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as a stove.------

''Tis all cut through,' said the corporal, 'with drains and bogs; and there was such a quantity of rain fell during the siege, the whole country was like a puddle; 'twas that which brought on the dysentery, which almost killed us both. A soldier could not lie dry in his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to draw off the water; and those who could afford it, as his honour could, set fire every night to a dish full of brandy, which took off the damp of the air, and made the inside of the tent as warm as a stove.'


And what conclusion dost thou draw, corporal _Trim_, cried my father, from all these premises?

'And what conclusion dost thou draw,' cried my father, 'from all this?'


I infer, an' please your worship, replied _Trim_, that the radical moisture is nothing in the world but ditch-water--and that the radical heat, of those who can go to the expence of it, is burnt brandy, --the radical heat and moisture of a private man, an' please your honour, is nothing but ditch-water--and a dram of geneva----and give us but enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us spirits, and drive away the vapours--we know not what it is to fear death.

'I infer, an' please your worship,' replied Trim, 'that the radical moisture is nothing but ditch-water - and that the radical heat, of those who can afford it, is burnt brandy; - for a private soldier, 'tis nothing but ditch-water and a dram of gin - and give us but enough of it, with a pipe of tobacco, to drive away the vapours - we know not what it is to fear death.'


I am at a loss, Captain _Shandy_, quoth Dr. _Slop_, to determine in which branch of learning your servant shines most, whether in physiology or divinity.

'I am at a loss, Captain Shandy,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'to decide whether your servant shines most in physiology or divinity.'


--_Slop_ had not forgot _Trim's_ comment upon the sermon.--

Slop had not forgot Trim's comment on the sermon.


It is but an hour ago, replied _Yorick_, since the corporal was examined in the latter, and pass'd muster with great honour.----

'Only an hour ago,' replied Yorick, 'the corporal was examined in the latter, and passed with great honour.'


The radical heat and moisture, quoth Dr. _Slop_, turning to my father, you must know, is the basis and foundation of our being--as the root of a tree is the source and principle of its vegetation.

'The radical heat and moisture,' quoth Dr. Slop, turning to my father, 'you must know, is the foundation of our being.


--It is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved sundry ways, but principally in my opinion by _consubstantials_, _impriments_, and _occludents_.

- It is inherent in the seeds of all animals, and may be preserved in many ways, but principally in my opinion by consubstantials, impriments, and occludents.


----Now this poor fellow, continued Dr. _Slop_, pointing to the corporal, has had the misfortune to have heard some superficial empiric discourse upon this nice point.

Now this poor fellow,' continued Dr. Slop, pointing to the corporal, 'has heard some superficial talk upon this delicate point.'


As _Susannah_ was informed by an express from Mrs. _Bridget_, of my uncle _Toby's_ falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened, --the contents of which express, _Susannah_ communicated to my mother the next day, --it has just given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle _Toby's_ amours a fortnight before their existence.

As Susannah was informed by Mrs. Bridget of my uncle Toby's falling in love with her mistress fifteen days before it happened - which Susannah then told my mother the next day - it has given me an opportunity of entering upon my uncle Toby's amours a fortnight before their existence.


I have an article of news to tell you, Mr. _Shandy_, quoth my mother, which will surprise you greatly.----

'I have some news to tell you, Mr. Shandy,' quoth my mother, 'which will surprise you greatly.'


Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and was musing within himself about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother broke silence.------

Now my father was then holding one of his second beds of justice, and was musing about the hardships of matrimony, as my mother spoke.


"----My brother _Toby_, quoth she, is going to be married to Mrs. _Wadman_."

'Our brother Toby is going to be married to Mrs. Wadman.'


----Then he will never, quoth my father, be able to lie _diagonally_ in his bed again as long as he lives.

'Then he will never again,' quoth my father, 'be able to lie diagonally in his bed as long as he lives.'


It was a consuming vexation to my father, that my mother never asked the meaning of a thing she did not understand.


----That she is not a woman of science, my father would say--is her misfortune--but she might ask a question.--

'She is not a woman of science,' my father would say - 'but she might ask a question.'


----In short, she went out of the world at last without knowing whether it turned _round_, or stood _still_.

She went out of the world at last without knowing whether it turned round, or stood still.


----My father had officiously told her above a thousand times which way it was, --but she always forgot.

My father had officiously told her a thousand times which way it was, but she always forgot.


For these reasons, a discourse seldom went on much further betwixt them, than a proposition, --a reply, and a rejoinder; at the end of which, it generally took breath for a few minutes (as in the affair of the breeches), and then went on again.

For these reasons, a discourse between them seldom went on much further than a proposition, a reply, and a rejoinder; after which, it generally took breath for a few minutes (as in the affair of the breeches), and then went on again.


If he marries, 'twill be the worse for us, --quoth my mother.

'If he marries, 'twill be the worse for us,' quoth my mother.


Not a cherry-stone, said my father, --he may as well batter away his means upon that, as any thing else.

'Not much,' said my father; 'he may as well batter away his means upon that, as any thing else.'


----To be sure, said my mother: so here ended the proposition, --the reply, --and the rejoinder, I told you of.

'To be sure,' said my mother: so here ended the proposition, the reply and the rejoinder.


It will be some amusement to him, too, ----said my father.

'It will be some amusement to him, too,' said my father.


A very great one, answered my mother, if he should have children.----

'A very great one,' answered my mother, 'if he should have children.'


'Lord have mercy upon me,' said my father to himself. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *.


What a rate have I gone on at, curvetting and frisking it away, two up and two down for four volumes[4.8] together, without looking once behind, or even on one side of me, to see whom I trod upon!

What a rate have I gone on at, frisking it away for four volumes, without looking once behind, to see whom I trod upon!


--I'll tread upon no one----quoth I to myself when I mounted ------I'll take a good rattling gallop; but I'll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the road.

'I'll tread upon no one,' quoth I to myself when I mounted - 'I'll take a good rattling gallop; but I'll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the road.'


----So off I set----up one lane------down another, through this turnpike----over that, as if the arch-jockey of jockeys had got behind me.

So off I set - up one lane - down another, through this turnpike - over that, as if the champion jockeys were behind me.


Now ride at this rate with what good intention and resolution you may----'tis a million to one you'll do some one a mischief, if not yourself ------He's flung--he's off--he's lost his hat--he's down------he'll break his neck----see!

Now if you ride at this rate, however good your intention - 'tis a million to one you'll do some one a mischief, if not yourself. - He's been flung off - he's lost his hat - he'll break his neck - see!


----if he has not galloped full among the scaffolding of the undertaking criticks!

if he has not galloped full among the scaffolding of the critics!


----he'll knock his brains out against some of their posts--he's bounced out!

He'll knock his brains out against their posts - he's bounced out!


--look--he's now riding like a mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters, fiddlers, poets, biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, players, schoolmen, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, casuists, connoisseurs, prelates, popes, and engineers.

- look - he's riding like a mad-cap full tilt through a crowd of painters, poets, physicians, lawyers, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, prelates, popes, and engineers.


--Don't fear, said I --I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon the king's highway.

'Don't fear,' said I, 'I'll not hurt the poorest jackass upon the road.'


--But your horse throws dirt; see you've splash'd a bishop.

'But your horse throws dirt; see, you've splashed a bishop!'


----I hope in God, 'twas only _Ernulphus_, said I.

'I hope to God, 'twas only Ernulphus,' said I.


------But you have squirted full in the faces of Mess. _Le Moyne_, _De Romigny_, and _De Marcilly_, doctors of the _Sorbonne_.

'But you've squirted full in the faces of the doctors of the Sorbonne!'


--But you have trod this moment upon a king.


----Kings have bad times on't, said I, to be trod upon by such people as me.


I deny it, quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with my bridle in one hand, and with my cap in the other, to tell my story.

'I deny it,' quoth I, and so have got off, and here am I standing with my bridle in one hand, and my cap in the other, to tell my story.


[Footnote 4.8: According to the original Editions.]


--Then reach me my breeches off the chair, said my father to _Susannah_.

'Then reach me my breeches off the chair,' said my father to Susannah.


----There is not a moment's time to dress you, Sir, cried _Susannah_--the child is as black in the face as my ----As your what?

'There is no time to dress you, Sir,' cried Susannah; 'the child is as black in the face as my-'
'As your what?'


said my father, for like all orators, he was a dear searcher into comparisons.


--Bless me, Sir, said _Susannah_, the child's in a fit.

'Bless me, Sir,' said Susannah, 'the child's in a fit.'


--And where's Mr. _Yorick?_ --Never where he should be, said _Susannah_, but his curate's in the dressing-room, with the child upon his arm, waiting for the name--and my mistress bid me run as fast as I could to know, as captain _Shandy_ is the godfather, whether it should not be called after him.

'And where's Mr. Yorick?'
'Never where he should be,' said Susannah, 'but his curate's in the dressing-room, with the child upon his arm, waiting for the name - and my mistress bid me run as fast as I could to know, since Captain Shandy is the godfather, whether it should be called after him.'


Were one sure, said my father to himself, scratching his eyebrow, that the child was expiring, one might as well compliment my brother _Toby_ as not--and it would be a pity, in such a case, to throw away so great a name as _Trismegistus_ upon him----but he may recover.

'If one were sure,' said my father to himself, scratching his eyebrow, 'that the child was expiring, one might as well compliment my brother Toby - and it would be a pity, in that case, to throw away so great a name as Trismegistus upon him - but he may recover.


No, no, ----said my father to _Susannah_, I'll get up ------There is no time, cried _Susannah_, the child's as black as my shoe.

No, no,' he said to Susannah. 'I'll get up.'
'There is no time,' cried Susannah, 'the child's as black as my shoe.'


_Trismegistus_, said my father ------But stay--thou art a leaky vessel, _Susannah_, added my father; canst thou carry _Trismegistus_ in thy head, the length of the gallery without scattering?

'Trismegistus,' said my father. 'But stay - thou art a leaky vessel, Susannah. Canst thou carry Trismegistus in thy head, the length of the gallery without scattering it?'


cried _Susannah_, shutting the door in a huff.

cried Susannah, shutting the door in a huff.


----If she can, I'll be shot, said my father, bouncing out of bed in the dark, and groping for his breeches.

'If she can, I'll be shot,' said my father, bouncing out of bed in the dark, and groping for his clothes.


_Susannah_ ran with all speed along the gallery.

Susannah ran with all speed along the gallery.


My father made all possible speed to find his breeches.


_Susannah_ got the start, and kept it--'Tis _Tris_--something, cried _Susannah_ --There is no christian-name in the world, said the curate, beginning with _Tris_--but _Tristram_.

''Tis Tris - something,' cried Susannah.
'There is no christian-name in the world,' said the curate, 'beginning with Tris, but Tristram.'


Then 'tis _Tristram-gistus_, quoth _Susannah_.

'Then 'tis Tristram-gistus,' quoth Susannah.


--'tis my own name, replied the curate, dipping his hand, as he spoke, into the bason--_Tristram!_ said he, &c. &c. &c. &c., so _Tristram_ was I called, and _Tristram_ shall I be to the day of my death.

- 'tis my own name,' replied the curate, dipping his hand into the basin. 'Tristram!' said he, &c. &c. &c.; so Tristram was I called, and Tristram shall I be to the day of my death.


My father followed _Susannah_, with his night-gown across his arm, with nothing more than his breeches on, fastened through haste with but a single button, and that button through haste thrust only half into the button-hole.

My father followed Susannah, with nothing more than his breeches on, fastened through haste with but a single button, and that button only half in the button-hole.


----No, no, said the curate, with a tone of intelligence.


----And the child is better, cried _Susannah_.

'And the child is better,' cried Susannah.


As well, said _Susannah_, as can be expected.

'As well,' said Susannah, 'as can be expected.'


said my father, the button of his breeches slipping out of the button-hole --So that whether the interjection was levelled at _Susannah_, or the button-hole--whether Pish was an interjection of contempt or an interjection of modesty, is a doubt, and must be a doubt till I shall have time to write the three following favourite chapters, that is, my chapter of _chamber-maids_, my chapter of _pishes_, and my chapter of _button-holes_.

said my father, the button of his breeches slipping out of the button-hole. So whether that Pish was levelled at Susannah is a doubt, and must be a doubt till I have time to write the three following favourite chapters: that is, my chapter of chamber-maids, my chapter of Pishes, and my chapter of button-holes.


All the light I am able to give the reader at present is this, that the moment my father cried Pish!

All I can say at present is this, that as my father cried 'Pish!'


he whisk'd himself about--and with his breeches held up by one hand, and his night-gown thrown across the arm of the other, he turned along the gallery to bed, something slower than he came.

he whisked himself about - and with his breeches held up by one hand, he turned along the gallery to bed, somewhat slower than he came.


There is not a town in all _France_, which, in my opinion, looks better in the map, than MONTREUIL; ----I own, it does not look so well in the book of post-roads; but when you come to see it--to be sure it looks most pitifully.

There is not a town in all France which looks better on the map than Montreuil; but when you come to see it - it looks pitiful.


There is one thing, however, in it at present very handsome; and that is, the inn-keeper's daughter: She has been eighteen months at _Amiens_, and six at _Paris_, in going through her classes; so knits, and sews, and dances, and does the little coquetries very well.----

There is one thing, however, in it that is very handsome; and that is the inn-keeper's daughter. She has been eighteen months at school in Amiens, and six at Paris; so she knits, and sews, and dances, and does the little coquetries very well.


in running them over within these five minutes that I have stood looking at her, she has let fall at least a dozen loops in a white thread stocking----yes, yes --I see, you cunning gipsy!

In these five minutes that I have stood looking at her, she has let fall at least a dozen loops in a white thread stocking - yes, yes, I see, you cunning gipsy!


--'tis long and taper--you need not pin it to your knee--and that 'tis your own--and fits you exactly.----


----That Nature should have told this creature a word about a _statue's thumb!_

- That Nature should have told this creature about a statue's thumb!


--But as this sample is worth all their thumbs----besides, I have her thumbs and fingers in at the bargain, if they can be any guide to me, --and as _Janatone_ withal (for that is her name) stands so well for a drawing----may I never draw more, or rather may I draw like a draught-horse, by main strength all the days of my life, --if I do not draw her in all her proportions, and with as determined a pencil, as if I had her in the wettest drapery.----

- But as this sample is worth all their thumbs - and as Janatone (for that is her name) stands so well for a drawing - may I never draw more, if I do not draw her in all her proportions, and with as determined a pencil, as if I had her in the wettest drapery.


--But your worships chuse rather that I give you the length, breadth, and perpendicular height of the great parish-church, or drawing of the faade of the abbey of Saint _Austerberte_ which has been transported from _Artois_ hither--everything is just I suppose as the masons and carpenters left them, --and if the belief in _Christ_ continues so long, will be so these fifty years to come--so your worships and reverences may all measure them at your leisures----but he who measures thee, _Janatone_, must do it now--thou carriest the principles of change within thy frame; and considering the chances of a transitory life, I would not answer for thee a moment; ere twice twelve months are passed and gone, thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin, and lose thy shapes----or thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose thy beauty--nay, thou mayest go off like a hussy--and lose thyself.

- But your worships choose rather that I should give you the length, breadth, and height of the great parish-church, or draw the abbey of Saint Austerberte, which was transported here from Artois, so that your worships may measure them at your leisure.


--I would not answer for my aunt _Dinah_, was she alive----'faith, scarce for her picture----were it but painted by _Reynolds_--

But he who measures thee, Janatone, must do it now - thy frame will change - and before twice twelve months are passed, thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin, and lose thy shape - or thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose thy beauty - nay, thou mayest go off like a hussy, and lose thyself.


But if I go on with my drawing, after naming that son of _Apollo_, I'll be shot----

But if I go on with my drawing, I'll be shot-


So you must e'en be content with the original; which, if the evening is fine in passing thro' _Montreuil_, you will see at your chaise-door, as you change horses: but unless you have as bad a reason for haste as I have--you had better stop: ----She has a little of the _devote_: but that, sir, is a terce to a nine in your favour------

So you must be content with the original; which, on a fine evening in Montreuil, you will see as you change horses: but unless you have as bad a reason for haste as I have, you had better stop-


I could not count a single point: so had been piqued and repiqued, and capotted to the devil.


I call all the powers of time and chance, which severally check us in our careers in this world, to bear me witness, that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle _Toby's_ amours, till this very moment, that my mother's _curiosity_, as she stated the affair, ----or a different impulse in her, as my father would have it----wished her to take a peep at them through the key-hole.

I call all the powers of time and chance, which check us in our careers in this world, to bear witness that I could never yet get fairly to my uncle Toby's amours till this very moment, when my mother's curiosity - or a different impulse in her, as my father would have it - made her wish to peep through the key-hole.


"Call it, my dear, by its right name, quoth my father, and look through the key-hole as long as you will."

'Call it, my dear, by its right name,' quoth my father, 'and look through the key-hole as long as you like.'


Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I have often spoken of, in my father's habit, could have vented such an insinuation----he was however frank and generous in his nature, and at all times open to conviction; so that he had scarce got to the last word of this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him.

Nothing but the fermentation of that little subacid humour, which I have often spoken of, in my father, could have made such an insinuation. He was however frank and generous in his nature; so that he had scarce finished this ungracious retort, when his conscience smote him.