After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother, --he consulted _Albertus Rubenius_ upon it; and _Albertus Rubenius_ used my father ten times worse in the consultation (if possible) than even my father had used my mother: For as _Rubenius_ had wrote a quarto _express_, _De re Vestiaria Veterum_, --it was _Rubenius's_ business to have given my father some lights. --On the contrary, my father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a long beard, --as of extracting a single word out of _Rubenius_ upon the subject.
Upon every other article of ancient dress, _Rubenius_ was very communicative to my father; --gave him a full and satisfactory account of

After my father had debated the affair of the breeches with my mother, he consulted Albertus Rubenius upon it; and Rubenius used my father ten times worse (if possible) than my father had used my mother. My father might as well have thought of extracting the seven cardinal virtues out of a beard, as of extracting a single word out of Rubenius upon the subject.
Upon every other article of ancient dress, Rubenius was very communicative; he gave a full and satisfactory account of


The Toga, or loose gown. The Chlamys. The Ephod. The Tunica, or Jacket. The Synthesis. The Pnula. The Lacema, with its Cucullus. The Paludamentum. The Prtexta. The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin.

The Toga, or loose gown.
The Chlamys.
The Ephod.
The Tunica, or Jacket.
The Synthesis.
The Paenula.
The Lacema, with its Cucullus.
The Paludamentum.
The Praetexta.
The Sagum, or soldier's jerkin.


The Trabea: of which, according to _Suetonius_, there were three kinds.--
----But what are all these to the breeches? said my father.
_Rubenius_ threw him down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the _Romans_.------
There was,

'But what are all these to the breeches?' said my father.
Rubenius threw down upon the counter all kinds of shoes which had been in fashion with the Romans:


The open shoe. The close shoe. The slip shoe. The wooden shoe. The soc. The buskin. And The military shoe with hobnails in it, which _Juvenal_ takes notice of. There were, The clogs. The pattins. The pantoufles.

The open shoe.
The close shoe.
The slip shoe.
The wooden shoe.
The hobnailed military shoe.
The clogs.
The pattins.
The pantoufles.


The brogues. The sandals, with latchets to them. There was, The felt shoe. The linen shoe. The laced shoe. The braided shoe. The calceus incisus. And The calceus rostratus.
_Rubenius_ shewed my father how well they all fitted, --in what manner they laced on, --with what points, straps, thongs, latchets, ribbands, jaggs, and ends.------
----But I want to be informed about the breeches, said my father.

The brogues.
The sandals.
The felt shoe.
The linen shoe.
The laced shoe.
The braided shoe.
Rubenius shewed my father how well they all fitted, how they laced on, with what straps, thongs, ribbons, jags, and ends.
'But I want to know about the breeches,' said my father.


_Albertus Rubenius_ informed my father that the _Romans_ manufactured stuffs of various fabrics, ----some plain, --some striped, --others diapered throughout the whole contexture of the wool, with silk and gold ----That linen did not begin to be in common use till towards the declension of the empire, when the _Egyptians_ coming to settle amongst them, brought it into vogue.
----That persons of quality and fortune distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour (next to purple, which was appropriated to the great offices) they most affected, and wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings. ----That it appeared from the best historians of those times, that they frequently sent their clothes to the fuller, to be clean'd and whitened: ----but that the inferior people, to avoid that expence, generally wore brown clothes, and of a something coarser texture, --till towards the beginning of _Augustus's_ reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of habiliment was lost, but the _Latus Clavus_.
And what was the _Latus Clavus?_ said my father.
_Rubenius_ told him, that the point was still litigating amongst the learned: ----That _Egnatius_, _Sigonius_, _Bossius Ticinensis_, _Bayfius_, _Budus_, _Salmasius_, _Lipsius_, _Lazius_, _Isaac Casaubon_, and _Joseph Scaliger_, all differed from each other, --and he from them: That some took it to be the button, --some the coat itself, --others only the colour of it: --That the great _Bayfius_, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 12--honestly said, he knew not what it was, --whether a tibula, --a stud, --a button, --a loop, --a buckle, --or clasps and keepers.------
----My father lost the horse, but not the saddle ----They are _hooks and eyes_, said my father----and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made.

Rubenius informed my father that the Romans manufactured various fabrics, some plain, some striped, some woven through with silk and gold; that linen was not in common use till the decline of the empire, when the Egyptians brought it into vogue.
-That persons of quality distinguished themselves by the fineness and whiteness of their clothes; which colour they wore on their birthdays and public rejoicings. That it appeared from historians that they frequently sent their clothes to be cleaned and whitened: but that poorer people generally wore brown clothes of a coarser texture, till Augustus's reign, when the slave dressed like his master, and almost every distinction of dress was lost, but the Latus Clavus.
'And what was the Latus Clavus?' said my father.
Rubenius told him that the point was still being argued amongst the learned: that Egnatius, Sigonius, Lipsius, Lazius, Casaubon and Scaliger, all differed from each other. Some took it to be the button; some the coat itself; others only the colour of it. Bayfius, in his Wardrobe of the Ancients, chap. 12, honestly said he knew not what it was, whether a stud, a button, a loop, a buckle, or a clasp.
My father lost the horse, but not the saddle.
'They are hooks and eyes,' said he - and with hooks and eyes he ordered my breeches to be made.


From the first moment I sat down to write my life for the amusement of the world, and my opinions for its instruction, has a cloud insensibly been gathering over my father. ----A tide of little evils and distresses has been setting in against him. --Not one thing, as he observed himself, has gone right: and now is the storm thicken'd and going to break, and pour down full upon his head.
I enter upon this part of my story in the most pensive and melancholy frame of mind that ever sympathetic breast was touched with. ----My nerves relax as I tell it. ----Every line I write, I feel an abatement of the quickness of my pulse, and of that careless alacrity with it, which every day of my life prompts me to say and write a thousand things I should not. ----And this moment that I last dipp'd my pen into my ink, I could not help taking notice what a cautious air of sad composure and solemnity there appear'd in my manner of doing it. ----Lord! how different from the rash jerks and hair-brain'd squirts thou art wont, _Tristram_, to transact it with in other humours--dropping thy pen----spurting thy ink about thy table and thy books--as if thy pen and thy ink, thy books and furniture cost thee nothing!

From the first moment I sat down to write this for the amusement and instruction of the world, a cloud has been slowly gathering over my father. A tide of little evils and distresses has been setting in against him. - Not one thing, as he observed, has gone right: and now is the storm going to break and pour down full upon his head.
I enter upon this part of my story in a most pensive and melancholy frame of mind. Just now, when I dipped my pen into my ink, I could not help noticing with what a cautious, sad and solemn air I did it. - Lord! how different from the rash and hair-brained squirts thou art wont, Tristram, to use in other moods - dropping thy pen - spurting thy ink about thy table and books - as if they cost thee nothing!


----But for heaven's sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallons----let us take the story straight before us; it is so nice and intricate a one, it will scarce bear the transposition of a single tittle; and, somehow or other, you have got me thrust almost into the middle of it--
--I beg we may take more care.

But for heaven's sake, let us not talk of quarts or gallons - let us take the story straight before us; it is so intricate a one, it will scarce bear any part being out of place; and, somehow or other, you have got me thrust into the middle of it-
- I beg we may take more care.


--And how does your mistress? cried my father, taking the same step over again from the landing, and calling to _Susannah_, whom he saw passing by the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand--how does your mistress? As well, said _Susannah_, tripping by, but without looking up, as can be expected. --What a fool am I! said my father, drawing his leg back again--let things be as they will, brother _Toby_, 'tis ever the precise answer ----And how is the child, pray? ----No answer. And where is Dr. _Slop?_ added my father, raising his voice aloud, and looking over the ballusters--_Susannah_ was out of hearing.
Of all the riddles of a married life, said my father, crossing the landing in order to set his back against the wall, whilst he propounded it to my uncle _Toby_----of all the puzzling riddles, said he, in a marriage state, ----of which you may trust me, brother _Toby_, there are more asses loads than all _Job's_ stock of asses could have carried----there is not one that has more intricacies in it than this--that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentlewoman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch taller for it; and give themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.

'And how does your mistress?' cried my father, calling from the landing to Susannah, whom he saw passing the foot of the stairs with a huge pincushion in her hand.
Susannah, without looking up, said, 'As well as can be expected.'
'What a fool am I!' said my father, drawing his leg back again. ''Tis ever the answer. - And how is the child, pray?' - No reply. - 'And where is Dr. Slop?' added my father, raising his voice, and looking over the banisters. - Susannah was out of hearing.
'Of all the riddles of a married life,' said my father, crossing the landing to set his back against the wall, 'of all the puzzling riddles, of which, brother Toby, there are more loads than all Job's asses could have carried - there is none more puzzling than this - that from the very moment the mistress of the house is brought to bed, every female in it, right down to the kitchen-maid, becomes an inch taller for it; and gives themselves more airs upon that single inch, than all their other inches put together.'


I think rather, replied my uncle _Toby_, that 'tis we who sink an inch lower. --If I meet but a woman with child --I do it. --'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_--'Tis a piteous burden upon 'em, continued he, shaking his head --Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing--said my father, shaking his head too----but certainly since shaking of heads came into fashion, never did two heads shake together, in concert, from two such different springs.
God bless } 'em all------said my uncle _Toby_ and my Deuce take } father, each to himself.

'I think rather,' replied my uncle Toby, 'that 'tis we who sink an inch lower. If I meet a woman with child, I do it. 'Tis a heavy tax upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother Shandy - 'tis a piteous burden upon 'em,' continued he, shaking his head.
'Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing,' said my father, shaking his head too - but never did two heads shake together, from two such different causes.
'God bless / Deuce take 'em all,' said my uncle Toby / and my father, each to himself.


When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal began to run their first parallel----not at random, or any how----but from the same points and distances the allies had begun to run theirs; and regulating their approaches and attacks, by the accounts my uncle _Toby_ received from the daily papers, --they went on, during the whole siege, step by step with the allies.
When the duke of _Marlborough_ made a lodgment, ----my uncle _Toby_ made a lodgment too, ----And when the face of a bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined, --the corporal took his mattock and did as much, --and so on; ----gaining ground, and making themselves masters of the works one after another, till the town fell into their hands.
To one who took pleasure in the happy state of others, --there could not have been a greater sight in the world, than, on a post-morning, in which a practicable breach had been made by the duke of _Marlborough_, in the main body of the place, --to have stood behind the horn-beam hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle _Toby_, with _Trim_ behind him, sallied forth; ----the one with the _Gazette_ in his hand, --the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute the contents. ----What an honest triumph in my uncle _Toby's_ looks as he marched up to the ramparts! What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading the paragraph ten times over to him, as he was at work, lest, peradventure, he should make the breach an inch too wide, --or leave it an inch too narrow. ----But when the _chamade_ was beat, and the corporal helped my uncle up it, and followed with the colours in his hand, to fix them upon the ramparts --Heaven! Earth! Sea! ----but what avails apostrophes? ----with all your elements, wet or dry, ye never compounded so intoxicating a draught.

When the town, with its works, was finished, my uncle Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallel from the same points as the allies ran theirs; and following the accounts in the daily papers, they went on, during the whole siege, step by step with the allies.
When the duke of Marlborough made a lodgment, my uncle Toby made one too. And when a bastion was battered down, or a defence ruined, the corporal took his mattock and did the same - and so on; gaining ground over the works, till the town fell into their hands.
To one who took pleasure in the happiness of others, there could not have been a greater sight in the world, than to have stood behind the hornbeam hedge, and observed the spirit with which my uncle Toby and Trim sallied forth; the one with the Gazette in his hand, the other with a spade on his shoulder to execute its contents.
What an honest triumph in my uncle Toby's looks as he marched up to the ramparts! What intense pleasure swimming in his eye as he stood over the corporal, reading the paragraph to him while he worked. - But when he mounted the chamade, with the colours in his hand, to fix them upon the ramparts - Heaven! Earth! Sea! wet or dry, ye never made so intoxicating a draught.


In this track of happiness for many years, without one interruption to it, except now and then when the wind continued to blow due west for a week or ten days together, which detained the _Flanders_ mail, and kept them so long in torture, --but still 'twas the torture of the happy ----In this track, I say, did my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ move for many years, every year of which, and sometimes every month, from the invention of either the one or the other of them, adding some new conceit or quirk of improvement to their operations, which always opened fresh springs of delight in carrying them on.
The first year's campaign was carried on from beginning to end, in the plain and simple method I've related.
In the second year, in which my uncle _Toby_ took _Liege_ and _Ruremond_, he thought he might afford the expence of four handsome draw-bridges, of two of which I have given an exact description in the former part of my work.
At the latter end of the same year he added a couple of gates with portcullises: ----These last were converted afterwards into orgues, as the better thing; and during the winter of the same year, my uncle _Toby_, instead of a new suit of clothes, which he always had at _Christmas_, treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the corner of the bowling-green, betwixt which point and the foot of the glacis, there was left a little kind of an esplanade for him and the corporal to confer and hold councils of war upon.
----The sentry-box was in case of rain.
All these were painted white three times over the ensuing spring, which enabled my uncle _Toby_ to take the field with great splendour.
My father would often say to _Yorick_, that if any mortal in the whole universe had done such a thing, except his brother _Toby_, it would have been looked upon by the world as one of the most refined satires upon the parade and prancing manner in which _Lewis_ XIV. from the beginning of the war, but particularly that very year, had taken the field ----But 'tis not my brother _Toby's_ nature, kind soul! my father would add, to insult any one.
----But let us go on.

In this happy track for many years, without interruption, except now and then when the west wind detained the Flanders mail, and kept them in torture - but still 'twas the torture of the happy - in this track, I say, my uncle Toby and Trim moved for many years, every year adding some improvement to their operations, which always opened fresh springs of delight.
The first year's campaign was carried on in the plain and simple method I've related.
In the second year, in which my uncle Toby took Liege and Ruremond, he thought he might afford the expense of four handsome draw-bridges, two of which I have described in the former part of my work.
At the end of the same year he added a couple of gates with portcullises. That Christmas, instead of a new suit of clothes, he treated himself with a handsome sentry-box, to stand at the corner of the bowling-green: betwixt this and the glacis, there was a little esplanade for him and the corporal to hold councils of war upon.
The sentry-box was in case of rain.
The following spring, all these were painted white, which enabled my uncle Toby to take the field with great splendour.
My father would often say to Yorick, that if any man alive had done such a thing, except his brother Toby, it would have been looked upon as a refined satire upon the parading, prancing manner in which Louis XIV had taken the field.
'But 'tis not my brother Toby's nature, kind soul!' my father would add, 'to insult any one.'
- But let us go on.


It was not till my uncle _Toby_ had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe, that corporal _Trim_ returned from the inn, and gave him the following account.
I despaired, at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back your honour any kind of intelligence concerning the poor sick lieutenant --Is he in the army, then? said my uncle _Toby_ ----He is, said the corporal ----And in what regiment? said my uncle _Toby_ ----I'll tell your honour, replied the corporal, everything straight forwards, as I learnt it. --Then, _Trim_, I'll fill another pipe, said my uncle _Toby_, and not interrupt thee till thou hast done; so sit down at thy ease, _Trim_, in the window-seat, and begin thy story again. The corporal made his old bow, which generally spoke as plain as a bow could speak it--_Your honour is good_: ----And having done that, he sat down, as he was ordered, --and began the story to my uncle _Toby_ over again in pretty near the same words.
I despaired at first, said the corporal, of being able to bring back any intelligence to your honour, about the lieutenant and his son; for when I asked where his servant was, from whom I made myself sure of knowing everything which was proper to be asked, --That's a right distinction, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_ --I was answered, an' please your honour, that he had no servant with him; ----that he had come to the inn with hired horses, which, upon finding himself unable to proceed (to join, I suppose, the regiment), he had dismissed the morning after he came. --If I get better, my dear, said he, as he gave his purse to his son to pay the man, --we can hire horses from hence. ----But alas! the poor gentleman will never get from hence, said the landlady to me, --for I heard the death-watch all night long; ----and when he dies, the youth, his son, will certainly die with him, for he is broken-hearted already.

It was not till my uncle Toby had knocked the ashes out of his third pipe, that corporal Trim returned from the inn, and gave him this account.
'I despaired, at first,' said the corporal, 'of getting any news of the poor sick lieutenant.'
'He is in the army, then?' said my uncle Toby. 'In what regiment?'
'I'll tell your honour everything as I learnt it,' replied the corporal.
'Then, Trim, I'll fill another pipe,' said my uncle Toby, 'and not interrupt thee; so sit down in the window-seat, Trim, and begin thy story again.'
The corporal bowed, sat down, and began again.
'I despaired at first,' said he, 'of getting any news of the lieutenant and his son; for when I asked where his servant was, from whom I could make enquiries, I was told that he had no servant with him; that he had come to the inn with hired horses.
'"If I get better, my dear," said he, giving his purse to his son to pay the man, "we can hire horses again."
'"But alas! the poor gentleman will never leave here," said the landlady to me, "for I heard the death-watch all night long; and when he dies, his son will certainly die too, for he is broken-hearted."

Book 6 - Chapter 7: THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED


I was hearing this account, continued the corporal, when the youth came into the kitchen, to order the thin toast the landlord spoke of; ----but I will do it for my father myself, said the youth. ----Pray let me save you the trouble, young gentleman, said I, taking up a fork for the purpose, and offering him my chair to sit down upon by the fire, whilst I did it. ----I believe, Sir, said he, very modestly, I can please him best myself. ----I am sure, said I, his honour will not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old soldier. ----The youth took hold of my hand, and instantly burst into tears. ----Poor youth! said my uncle _Toby_, --he has been bred up from an infant in the army, and the name of a soldier, _Trim_, sounded in his ears like the name of a friend; --I wish I had him here.
----I never, in the longest march, said the corporal, had so great a mind to my dinner, as I had to cry with him for company: --What could be the matter with me, an' please your honour? Nothing in the world, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, blowing his nose, --but that thou art a good-natured fellow.

'I was hearing this account,' continued the corporal, 'when the youth came into the kitchen, to order thin toast for his father - "but I will make it myself," said the youth.
'"Pray let me save you the trouble," said I.
'"I believe, Sir," said he, very modestly, "I can please him best myself."
'"I am sure," said I, "he will not like the toast the worse for being toasted by an old soldier." The youth took hold of my hand, and burst into tears.'
'Poor boy!' said my uncle Toby. 'The name of a soldier, Trim, sounded like the name of a friend; I wish I had him here.'
'I was near weeping myself,' continued the corporal.


When I gave him the toast, continued the corporal, I thought it was proper to tell him I was captain _Shandy's_ servant, and that your honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his father; --and that if there was any thing in your house or cellar----(And thou might'st have added my purse too, said my uncle _Toby_)----he was heartily welcome to it: ----He made a very low bow (which was meant to your honour), but no answer--for his heart was full--so he went up stairs with the toast; --I warrant you, my dear, said I, as I opened the kitchen-door, your father will be well again. ----Mr. _Yorick's_ curate was smoaking a pipe by the kitchen fire, --but said not a word good or bad to comfort the youth. ----I thought it wrong; added the corporal ----I think so too, said my uncle _Toby_.
When the lieutenant had taken his glass of sack and toast, he felt himself a little revived, and sent down into the kitchen, to let me know, that in about ten minutes he should be glad if I would step up stairs. ----I believe, said the landlord, he is going to say his prayers, ----for there was a book laid upon the chair by his bed-side, and as I shut the door, I saw his son take up a cushion.----

'When I gave him the toast, I thought it was proper to tell him I was captain Shandy's servant, and that your honour (though a stranger) was extremely concerned for his father; and that if there was any food or drink we could provide, he was heartily welcome to it. He made a low bow and went up stairs with the toast.
'"I warrant you, my dear," said I, "your father will be well again." Mr. Yorick's curate was smoking a pipe by the kitchen fire, but said not a word to comfort the youth. - I thought it wrong.'
'I think so too,' said my uncle Toby.
'When the lieutenant had taken his sherry and toast, he revived a little, and sent word to the kitchen that he should be glad if I would step upstairs in ten minutes.
'"I believe," said the landlord, "he is going to say his prayers - for there was a book by his bed-side, and as I shut the door, I saw his son take up a cushion."


I thought, said the curate, that you gentlemen of the army, Mr. _Trim_, never said your prayers at all. ----I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers last night, said the landlady, very devoutly, and with my own ears, or I could not have believed it. ----Are you sure of it? replied the curate. ----A soldier, an' please your reverence, said I, prays as often (of his own accord) as a parson; ----and when he is fighting for his king, and for his own life, and for his honour too, he has the most reason to pray to God of any one in the whole world----'Twas well said of thee, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_. ----But when a soldier, said I, an' please your reverence, has been standing for twelve hours together in the trenches, up to his knees in cold water, --or engaged, said I, for months together in long and dangerous marches; --harassed, perhaps, in his rear to-day; --harassing others to-morrow; --detached here; --countermanded there; --resting this night out upon his arms; --beat up in his shirt the next; --benumbed in his joints; --perhaps without straw in his tent to kneel on; --must say his prayers _how_ and _when_ he can. --I believe, said I, --for I was piqued, quoth the corporal, for the reputation of the army, --I believe, an' please your reverence, said I, that when a soldier gets time to pray, --he prays as heartily as a parson, --though not with all his fuss and hypocrisy. ----Thou shouldst not have said that, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, --for God only knows who is a hypocrite, and who is not: ----At the great and general review of us all, corporal, at the day of judgment (and not till then)--it will be seen who has done their duties in this world, --and who has not; and we shall be advanced, _Trim_, accordingly. ----I hope we shall, said _Trim_. ----It is in the Scripture, said my uncle _Toby_; and I will shew it thee to-morrow: --In the mean time we may depend upon it, _Trim_, for our comfort, said my uncle _Toby_, that God Almighty is so good and just a governor of the world, that if we have but done our duties in it, --it will never be enquired into, whether we have done them in a red coat or a black one: ----I hope not, said the corporal ----But go on, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, with thy story.

'"I thought," said the curate, "that you gentlemen of the army, Mr. Trim, never said your prayers at all."
'"I heard the poor gentleman say his prayers last night," said the landlady, "very devoutly."
'"Are you sure?" said the curate.
'"A soldier, an' please your reverence," said I, "prays as often as a parson; and when he is fighting for his king, and for his own life and his honour too, he has the most reason to pray to God of anyone in the world."'
''Twas well said, Trim," said my uncle Toby.
'"But when a soldier," said I, "has been standing for twelve hours in the trenches, up to his knees in cold water, - or engaged for months in long and dangerous marches; resting one night upon his arms, and roused the next in his shirt: harassed and benumbed, with no straw to kneel on - he must say his prayers how and when he can. I believe," said I, for I was annoyed, "I believe, your reverence, that when a soldier gets time, he prays as heartily as a parson, though not with all his fuss and hypocrisy."'
'Thou shouldst not have said that, Trim,' said my uncle Toby, 'for God only knows who is a hypocrite: at the day of judgment it will be seen who has done their duties, and who has not. - But we may depend upon it, Trim, that God is so just, that if we have done our duties, it will never be asked whether we have done them in a red coat or a black one. - But go on with thy story.'


When I went up, continued the corporal, into the lieutenant's room, which I did not do till the expiration of the ten minutes, --he was lying in his bed with his head raised upon his hand, with his elbow upon the pillow, and a clean white cambrick handkerchief beside it: ----The youth was just stooping down to take up the cushion, upon which I supposed he had been kneeling, --the book was laid upon the bed, --and, as he rose, in taking up the cushion with one hand, he reached out his other to take it away at the same time. ----Let it remain there, my dear, said the lieutenant.
He did not offer to speak to me, till I had walked up close to his bed-side: --If you are captain _Shandy's_ servant, said he, you must present my thanks to your master, with my little boy's thanks along with them, for his courtesy to me; --if he was of _Leven's_--said the lieutenant. --I told him your honour was --Then, said he, I served three campaigns with him in _Flanders_, and remember him, --but 'tis most likely, as I had not the honour of any acquaintance with him, that he knows nothing of me. ----You will tell him, however, that the person his good-nature has laid under obligations to him, is one _Le Fever_, a lieutenant in _Angus's_----but he knows me not, --said he, a second time, musing; ----possibly he may my story--added he--pray tell the captain, I was the ensign at _Breda_, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent. ----I remember the story, an't please your honour, said I, very well. ----Do you so? said he, wiping his eyes with his handkerchief, --then well may I. --In saying this, he drew a little ring out of his bosom, which seemed tied with a black ribband about his neck, and kiss'd it twice ----Here, _Billy_, said he, ----the boy flew across the room to the bed-side, --and falling down upon his knee, took the ring in his hand, and kissed it too, --then kissed his father, and sat down upon the bed and wept.
I wish, said my uncle _Toby_, with a deep sigh, --I wish, _Trim_, I was asleep.

'When I went up,' continued the corporal, 'into the lieutenant's room, he was lying in his bed: the youth was just taking up the cushion, upon which I supposed he had been kneeling.
'When I walked up to his bed-side, the lieutenant said to me: "If you are captain Shandy's servant, present my thanks to your master, with my little boy's thanks too. If he was of Leven's regiment" - I told him your honour was - "Then," said he, "I served three campaigns with him in Flanders, and remember him, but 'tis most likely that he knows nothing of me. My name is Le Fever, a lieutenant in Angus's; possibly he may know my story. Pray tell the captain, I was the ensign at Breda, whose wife was most unfortunately killed with a musket-shot, as she lay in my arms in my tent."
'"I remember the story very well," said I.
'"Do you?" said he, wiping his eyes; and drawing out a little ring tied with a black ribbon about his neck, he kissed it twice.
'"Here, Billy," said he. The boy flew across the room to the bed-side, and falling on his knee, took the ring in his hand, kissed his father, and then sat down upon the bed and wept.'


Your honour, replied the corporal, is too much concerned; --shall I pour your honour out a glass of sack to your pipe? ----Do, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_.
I remember, said my uncle _Toby_, sighing again, the story of the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty omitted; --and particularly well that he, as well as she, upon some account or other (I forget what) was universally pitied by the whole regiment; --but finish the story thou art upon: --'Tis finished already, said the corporal, --for I could stay no longer, --so wished his honour a good night; young _Le Fever_ rose from off the bed, and saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we went down together, told me, they had come from _Ireland_, and were on their route to join the regiment in _Flanders_. ----But alas! said the corporal, --the lieutenant's last day's march is over. --Then what is to become of his poor boy? cried my uncle _Toby_.

'I remember,' said my uncle Toby, sighing deeply, 'the story of the ensign and his wife, with a circumstance his modesty omitted; and particularly well because he, as well as she, upon some account or other (I forget what) was pitied by the whole regiment; but finish thy story.'
''Tis finished already,' said the corporal, 'for I could stay no longer. Young Le Fever saw me to the bottom of the stairs; and as we went down, told me they had come from Ireland, and were on their way to join the regiment in Flanders. But alas! the lieutenant's last march is over.'
'Then what is to become of his poor boy?' cried my uncle Toby.


The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at the pains to search for, and which, now that I have found it, I think proper to lay before him, --is so much more fully express'd in the deed itself, than ever I can pretend to do it, that it would be barbarity to take it out of the lawyer's hand: --It is as follows.

The article in my mother's marriage-settlement, which I told the reader I was at pains to search for, is so much more fully expressed than I could do it, that it would be barbarity to paraphrase it. - It is as follows.


"#And this Indenture further witnesseth#, That the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and, by God's blessing, to be well and truly solemnised and consummated between the said _Walter Shandy_ and _Elizabeth Mollineux_ aforesaid, and divers other good and valuable causes and considerations him thereunto specially moving, --doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. the above-named Trustees, _&c. &c._--#to Wit#, --That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to pass, --That the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, shall have left off business before the time or times, that the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall, according to the course of nature, or otherwise, have left off bearing and bringing forth children; --and that, in consequence of the said _Walter Shandy_ having so left off business, he shall in despight, and against the free-will, consent, and good-liking of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, --make a departure from the city of _London_, in order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at _Shandy Hall_, in the county of ----, or at any other country-seat, castle, hall, mansion-house, messuage or grainge-house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof: --That then, and as often as the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall happen to be enceint with child or children severally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, during her said coverture, --he the said _Walter Shandy_ shall, at his own proper cost and charges, and out of his own proper monies, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of her the said _Elizabeth Mollineux's_ full reckoning, or time of supposed and computed delivery, --pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds of good and lawful money, to _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. or assigns, --upon TRUST and confidence, and for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following: --#That is to say#, --That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, or to be otherwise applied by them the said Trustees, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, with able and sufficient horses, to carry and convey the body of the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, and the child or children which she shall be then and there enceint and pregnant with, --unto the city of _London_; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expences whatsoever, --in and about, and for, and relating to, her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof. And that the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_ shall and may, from time to time, and at all such time and times as are here covenanted and agreed upon, --peaceably and quietly hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, according to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of these presents, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever. --And that it shall moreover be lawful to and for the said _Elizabeth Mollineux_, from time to time, and as oft or often as she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to the time heretofore stipulated and agreed upon, --to live and reside in such place or places, and in such family or families, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of _London_, as she at her own will and pleasure, notwithstanding her present coverture, and as if she was a _femme sole_ and unmarried, --shall think fit. --#And this Indenture further Witnesseth#, That for the more effectually carrying of the said covenant into execution, the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, doth hereby grant, bargain, sell, release, and confirm unto the said _John Dixon_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. their heirs, executors, and assigns, in their actual possession now being, by virtue of an indenture of bargain and sale for a year to them the said _John Dickson_, and _James Turner_, Esqrs. by him the said _Walter Shandy_, merchant, thereof made; which said bargain and sale for a year, bears date the day next before the date of these presents, and by force and virtue of the statute for transferring of uses into possession, --#All# that the manor and lordship of _Shandy_, in the county of ----, with all the rights, members, and appurtenances thereof; and all and every the messuages, houses, buildings, barns, stables, orchards, gardens, backsides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, lands, meadows, feedings, pastures, marshes, commons, woods, underwoods, drains, fisheries, waters, and water-courses; --together with all rents, reversions, services, annuities, fee-farms, knights fees, views of frankpledge, escheats, reliefs, mines, quarries, goods and chattels of felons and fugitives, felons of themselves, and put in exigent, deodands, free warrens, and all other royalties and seigniories, rights and jurisdictions, privileges and hereditaments whatsoever. ----#And also# the advowson, donation, presentation, and free disposition of the rectory or parsonage of _Shandy_ aforesaid, and all and every the tenths, tythes, glebe-lands."

'And this Indenture further witnesseth, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, in consideration of the said intended marriage to be had, and to be well and truly solemnised and consummated between the said Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux aforesaid, doth grant, covenant, condescend, consent, conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with John Dixon, and James Turner, Esqrs. the above-named Trustees. - To Wit, That in case it should hereafter so fall out, chance, happen, or otherwise come to pass, That the said Walter Shandy, merchant, shall have left off business before the time that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall, according to the course of nature, have left off bearing and bringing forth children; and that, in consequence of the said Walter Shandy having so left off business, he shall in despite and against the free-will, consent, and agreement of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, make a departure from the city of London, in order to retire to, and dwell upon, his estate at Shandy Hall, or at any other country-seat, castle, hall, mansion or grange-house, now purchased, or hereafter to be purchased, or upon any part or parcel thereof: That then, and as often as the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall happen to be enceint or pregnant with child or children lawfully begot, or to be begotten, upon the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, during her said pregnancy, he the said Walter Shandy shall, at his own proper cost and charges, upon good and reasonable notice, which is hereby agreed to be within six weeks of the said Elizabeth Mollineux's full reckoning, or time of supposed delivery, - pay, or cause to be paid, the sum of one hundred and twenty pounds for and unto the use and uses, intent, end, and purpose following: That is to say, That the said sum of one hundred and twenty pounds shall be paid into the hands of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, for the well and truly hiring of one coach, to carry and convey the body of the said Elizabeth Mollineux, and the child or children with which she shall then be pregnant, unto the city of London; and for the further paying and defraying of all other incidental costs, charges, and expenses, in and about, and for and relating to, her said intended delivery and lying-in, in the said city or suburbs thereof. And that the said Elizabeth Mollineux shall and may hire the said coach and horses, and have free ingress, egress, and regress throughout her journey, in and from the said coach, without any let, suit, trouble, disturbance, molestation, discharge, hindrance, forfeiture, eviction, vexation, interruption, or incumbrance whatsoever. And that it shall moreover be lawful for the said Elizabeth Mollineux, when she shall well and truly be advanced in her said pregnancy, to live and reside in such place or places, and with such relations, friends, and other persons within the said city of London, as she at her own will and pleasure shall think fit.'


----In three words, ----"My mother was to lay in, (if she chose it) in _London_."
But in order to put a stop to the practice of any unfair play on the part of my mother, which a marriage-article of this nature too manifestly opened a door to, and which indeed had never been thought of at all, but for my uncle _Toby Shandy_; --a clause was added in security of my father, which was this: --"That in case my mother hereafter should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and expence of a _London_ journey, upon false cries and tokens; ----that for every such instance, she should forfeit all the right and title which the covenant gave her to the next turn; ----but to no more, --and so on, _toties quoties_, in as effectual a manner, as if such a covenant betwixt them had not been made." --This, by the way, was no more than what was reasonable; --and yet, as reasonable as it was, I have ever thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.
But I was begot and born to misfortunes: --for my poor mother, whether it was wind or water--or a compound of both, --or neither; --or whether it was simply the mere swell of imagination and fancy in her; --or how far a strong wish and desire to have it so, might mislead her judgment: --in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, it no way becomes me to decide. The fact was this, That in the latter end of _September_ 1717, which was the year before I was born, my mother having carried my father up to town much against the grain, --he peremptorily insisted upon the clause; --so that I was doom'd, by marriage-articles, to have my nose squeez'd as flat to my face, as if the destinies had actually spun me without one.
How this event came about, --and what a train of vexatious disappointments, in one stage or other of my life, have pursued me from the mere loss, or rather compression, of this one single member, --shall be laid before the reader all in due time.

In three words, 'My mother was to lay in, (if she chose) in London.'
But in order to put a stop to any unfair play on my mother's part, which a marriage-article of this nature opened a door to - and which indeed would not have been thought of, but for my uncle Toby Shandy - the following clause was added:
'That in case my mother should, at any time, put my father to the trouble and expense of a London journey, upon false cries and tokens; - for every such instance, she should forfeit all the rights which the covenant gave her on the next such occasion.'
This was only reasonable; - and yet, I have always thought it hard that the whole weight of the article should have fallen entirely, as it did, upon myself.
But I was born to misfortunes: for my poor mother, whether it was wind or water, or simply the swell of imagination in her; - or how far a strong desire to be with child might mislead her judgment: - in short, whether she was deceived or deceiving in this matter, is not for me to decide.
The fact was this: that in late September 1717, the year before I was born, my mother carried my father up to town much against the grain: when no child appeared, he insisted upon the extra clause; so that I was doomed, by marriage-articles, to have my nose squeezed flat to my face.
How this event came about, and what a train of disappointments has pursued me through my life from the compression of this single member, - shall be laid before the reader all in due time.


When _Trim_ came in and told my father, that Dr. _Slop_ was in the kitchen, and busy in making a bridge--my uncle _Toby_----the affair of the jack-boots having just then raised a train of military ideas in his brain----took it instantly for granted that Dr. _Slop_ was making a model of the marquis _d'Hpital's_ bridge. ----'Tis very obliging in him, quoth my uncle _Toby_; --pray give my humble service to Dr. _Slop_, _Trim_, and tell him I thank him heartily.
Had my uncle _Toby's_ head been a _Savoyard's_ box, and my father peeping in all the time at one end of it----it could not have given him a more distinct conception of the operations of my uncle _Toby's_ imagination, than what he had; so, notwithstanding the catapulta and battering-ram, and his bitter imprecation about them, he was just beginning to triumph----
When _Trim's_ answer, in an instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twisted it to pieces.

When Trim came in and told my father that Dr. Slop was in the kitchen, busy making a bridge, my uncle Toby took it instantly for granted that Dr. Slop was making a model of the marquis d'Hpital's bridge.
''Tis very obliging in him,' quoth he; 'pray tell him I thank him heartily.'
Had my uncle Toby's head been a Savoyard's peep-show box, with my father peeping in at one end - it could not have given him a clearer picture of my uncle Toby's imagination; so he was beginning to triumph-
When Trim's answer, the next instant, tore the laurel from his brows, and twisted it to pieces.


----"Because," quoth my great-grandmother, repeating the words again-- "you have little or no nose, Sir."------
S'death! cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose, --'tis not so small as that comes to; ----'tis a full inch longer than my father's. --Now, my great-grandfather's nose was for all the world like unto the noses of all the men, women, and children, whom _Pantagruel_ found dwelling upon the island of ENNASIN. ------By the way, if you would know the strange way of getting a-kin amongst so flat-nosed a people----you must read the book; ----find it out yourself, you never can.----
--'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
--'Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger and thumb; and repeating his assertion----'tis a full inch longer, madam, than my father's ----You must mean your uncle's, replied my great-grandmother.
------My great-grandfather was convinced. --He untwisted the paper, and signed the article.

'Because,' quoth my great-grandmother, 'you have little or no nose, Sir.'
'S'death!' cried my great-grandfather, clapping his hand upon his nose, ''tis not so small as that; 'tis a full inch longer than my father's.'
Now, my great-grandfather's nose was like the noses of the people whom Pantagruel found dwelling upon the island of Ennasin. 'Twas shaped, Sir, like an ace of clubs.
''Tis a full inch longer than my father's,' continued my grandfather, pressing up the ridge of his nose with his finger.
'You must mean your uncle's,' replied my great-grandmother.
My great-grandfather was convinced. - He untwisted the paper, and signed the article.


As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever in different airs and attitudes, --not one, or all of them, can ever help the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life. --There was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by which handle he would take a thing, --it baffled, Sir, all calculations. ----The truth was, his road lay so very far on one side, from that wherein most men travelled, --that every object before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind. --In other words, 'twas a different object, and in course was differently considered:
This is the true reason, that my dear _Jenny_ and I, as well as all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing. --She looks at her outside, --I, at her in--. How is it possible we should agree about her value?

Although many pictures have been given of my father, in different airs and attitudes, not one of them could help the reader to predict how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any occasion. He had such an infinitude of oddities in him, that to know how he would take a thing, baffled, Sir, all calculations.
The truth was, that every object presented its face and cross-section to his eye, altogether different from the plan of it seen by the rest of mankind.
This is the true reason that my dear Jenny and I have such eternal squabbles about nothing. She looks at her outside, I, at her in. - How is it possible we should agree about her value?


It was a thousand pities----though I believe, an' please your honour, I am going to say but a foolish kind of a thing for a soldier----
A soldier, cried my uncle _Toby_, interrupting the corporal, is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing, _Trim_, than a man of letters ----But not so often, an' please your honour, replied the corporal ----My uncle _Toby_ gave a nod.
It was a thousand pities then, said the corporal, casting his eye upon _Dunkirk_, and the mole, as _Servius Sulpicius_, in returning out of _Asia_ (when he sailed from _gina_ towards _Megara_), did upon _Corinth_ and _Pyreus_----
--"It was a thousand pities, an' please your honour, to destroy these works----and a thousand pities to have let them stood."----
----Thou art right, _Trim_, in both cases; said my uncle _Toby_. ----This, continued the corporal, is the reason, that from the beginning of their demolition to the end ----I have never once whistled, or sung, or laugh'd, or cry'd, or talk'd of past done deeds, or told your honour one story good or bad----
----Thou hast many excellencies, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, and I hold it not the least of them, as thou happenest to be a story-teller, that of the number thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave ones--thou hast seldom told me a bad one----
----Because, an' please your honour, except one of a _King of Bohemia and his seven castles_, --they are all true; for they are about myself----
I do not like the subject the worse, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, on that score: But prithee what is this story? thou hast excited my curiosity.

'It was a thousand pities - though I believe I am going to say a foolish thing for a soldier-'
'A soldier,' cried my uncle Toby, 'is no more exempt from saying a foolish thing than a man of letters.'
'But not so often, your honour,' replied the corporal. '-It was a thousand pities, your honour, to destroy these works - and a thousand pities to have let them stood.'
'Thou art right, Trim,' said my uncle.
'This,' continued the corporal, 'is why during their demolition I have never once whistled, or sung, or laughed, or told your honour one story, good or bad-'
'Thou hast many excellencies, Trim,' said my uncle Toby, 'and of the stories thou hast told me, either to amuse me in my painful hours, or divert me in my grave ones, - thou hast seldom told me a bad one.'
'Because, your honour, except one of a King of Bohemia and his seven castles, they are all true; for they are about myself.'
'I do not like them worse on that score,' said my uncle Toby. 'But prithee what is this story?


I'll tell it your honour, quoth the corporal, directly --Provided, said my uncle _Toby_, looking earnestly towards _Dunkirk_ and the mole again----provided it is not a merry one; to such, _Trim_, a man should ever bring one half of the entertainment along with him; and the disposition I am in at present would wrong both thee, _Trim_, and thy story ----It is not a merry one by any means, replied the corporal --Nor would I have it altogether a grave one, added my uncle _Toby_ ----It is neither the one nor the other, replied the corporal, but will suit your honour exactly ----Then I'll thank thee for it with all my heart, cried my uncle _Toby_; so prithee begin it, _Trim_.
The corporal made his reverence; and though it is not so easy a matter as the world imagines, to pull off a lank _Montero_-cap with grace----or a whit less difficult, in my conceptions, when a man is sitting squat upon the ground, to make a bow so teeming with respect as the corporal was wont; yet by suffering the palm of his right hand, which was towards his master, to slip backwards upon the grass, a little beyond his body, in order to allow it the greater sweep----and by an unforced compression, at the same time, of his cap with the thumb and the two forefingers of his left, by which the diameter of the cap became reduced, so that it might be said, rather to be insensibly squeez'd--than pull'd off with a flatus----the corporal acquitted himself of both in a better manner than the posture of his affairs promised; and having hemmed twice, to find in what key his story would best go, and best suit his master's humour, --he exchanged a single look of kindness with him, and set off thus.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES
There was a certain king of Bo - - he------
As the corporal was entering the confines of _Bohemia_, my uncle _Toby_ obliged him to halt for a single moment; he had set out bare-headed, having, since he pull'd off his _Montero_-cap in the latter end of the last chapter, left it lying beside him on the ground.
----The eye of Goodness espieth all things----so that before the corporal had well got through the first five words of his story, had my uncle _Toby_ twice touch'd his _Montero_-cap with the end of his cane, interrogatively----as much as to say, Why don't you put it on, _Trim?_ _Trim_ took it up with the most respectful slowness, and casting a glance of humiliation as he did it, upon the embroidery of the fore-part, which being dismally tarnish'd and fray'd moreover in some of the principal leaves and boldest parts of the pattern, he lay'd it down again between his two feet, in order to moralise upon the subject.
----'Tis every word of it but too true, cried my uncle _Toby_, that thou art about to observe----
"_Nothing in this world, Trim, is made to last for ever._"
----But when tokens, dear _Tom_, of thy love and remembrance wear out, said _Trim_, what shall we say?
There is no occasion, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, to say anything else; and was a man to puzzle his brains till Doom's day, I believe, _Trim_, it would be impossible.

Tell it - provided it is not a merry one; for I am not in a mood at present to do it justice.'
'It is not merry by any means,' replied the corporal.
'Nor would I have it altogether grave,' added my uncle Toby.
'It is neither one nor the other,' replied the corporal, 'but will suit your honour exactly.'
'I thank thee; prithee begin it, Trim,' cried my uncle Toby.
The corporal made his bow; and though it is not easy to pull off a lank Montero-cap with grace - nor to make a bow so teeming with respect when a man is sitting squat upon the ground; yet by allowing the palm of his right hand to slip backwards upon the grass - and with his left hand, squeezing rather than pulling off his cap - the corporal acquitted himself well; and having cleared his throat, he set off thus.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES
'There was a certain king of Bo-'
My uncle Toby obliged the corporal to halt, by touching the Montero-cap on the ground with the end of his cane - as much as to say, 'Why don't you put it on, Trim?'
Trim took it up with respectful slowness, and casting a humiliated glance upon the embroidery of the front, which was dismally tarnished and frayed, he laid it down again between his two feet, to moralise upon the subject.
'Thou art about to observe,' cried my uncle Toby, '-that nothing in this world is made to last for ever.'
'But when tokens of my dear brother's love and remembrance wear out,' said Trim, 'what shall we say?'
'There is no need to say anything else,' quoth my uncle Toby.


The corporal, perceiving my uncle _Toby_ was in the right, and that it would be in vain for the wit of man to think of extracting a purer moral from his cap, without further attempting it, he put it on; and passing his hand across his forehead to rub out a pensive wrinkle, which the text and the doctrine between them had engender'd, he return'd, with the same look and tone of voice, to his story of the king of _Bohemia_ and his seven castles.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
There was a certain king of _Bohemia_, but in whose reign, except his own, I am not able to inform your honour----
I do not desire it of thee, _Trim_, by any means, cried my uncle _Toby_.
----It was a little before the time, an' please your honour, when giants were beginning to leave off breeding: --but in what year of our Lord that was----
I would not give a halfpenny to know, said my uncle _Toby_.
----Only, an' please your honour, it makes a story look the better in the face----
----'Tis thy own, _Trim_, so ornament it after thy own fashion; and take any date, continued my uncle _Toby_, looking pleasantly upon him--take any date in the whole world thou chusest, and put it to--thou art heartily welcome----
The corporal bowed; for of every century, and of every year of that century, from the first creation of the world down to _Noah's_ flood; and from _Noah's_ flood to the birth of _Abraham_; through all the pilgrimages of the patriarchs, to the departure of the _Israelites_ out of _Egypt_----and throughout all the Dynasties, Olympiads, Urbeconditas, and other memorable epochas of the different nations of the world, down to the coming of Christ, and from thence to the very moment in which the corporal was telling his story----had my uncle _Toby_ subjected this vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet; but as MODESTY scarce touches with a finger what LIBERALITY offers her with both hands open--the corporal contented himself with the very _worst year_ of the whole bunch; which, to prevent your honours of the Majority and Minority from tearing the very flesh off your bones in contestation, 'Whether that year is not always the last cast-year of the last cast-almanack' ----I tell you plainly it was; but from a different reason than you wot of----
----It was the year next him----which being, the year of our Lord seventeen hundred and twelve, when the Duke of _Ormond_ was playing the devil in _Flanders_----the corporal took it, and set out with it afresh on his expedition to _Bohemia_.

The corporal, perceiving that it would be in vain for the wit of man to extract a purer moral from his cap, put it on, and returned to his story.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
'There was a certain king of Bohemia, but in whose reign, I am not able to inform your honour-'
'I do not desire it, Trim,' cried my uncle Toby.
'It was a little before the time when giants were beginning to leave off breeding: but in what year that was-'
'I would not give a halfpenny to know,' said my uncle Toby.
'Only, your honour, it makes a story look better-'
''Tis thy own, Trim, so take any date thou choosest, and welcome,' said my uncle Toby pleasantly.
The corporal bowed; for of every century, from the first creation of the world down to Noah's flood; and through all the Dynasties, Olympiads, and other memorable epochs of the world, down to the coming of Christ, and from thence to the very moment in which the corporal was telling his story - my uncle Toby laid this vast empire of time and all its abysses at his feet.
But as Modesty scarce touches with a finger what Liberality offers her with open hands - the corporal contented himself with the very worst year of the whole bunch.
To prevent your honours from tearing the flesh off your bones in argument, I tell you plainly it was the year 1712, when the Duke of Ormond was playing the devil in Flanders. - The corporal took it, and set out with it afresh on his expedition to Bohemia.


THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
In the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and twelve, there was, an' please your honour----
----To tell thee truly, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, any other date would have pleased me much better, not only on account of the sad stain upon our history that year, in marching off our troops, and refusing to cover the siege of _Quesnoi_, though _Fagel_ was carrying on the works with such incredible vigour--but likewise on the score, _Trim_, of thy own story; because if there are--and which, from what thou hast dropt, I partly suspect to be the fact--if there are giants in it----
There is but one, an' please your honour----
----'Tis as bad as twenty, replied my uncle _Toby_----thou should'st have carried him back some seven or eight hundred years out of harm's way, both of critics and other people: and therefore I would advise thee, if ever thou tellest it again----
----If I live, an' please your honour, but once to get through it, I will never tell it again, quoth _Trim_, either to man, woman, or child ----Poo--poo! said my uncle _Toby_--but with accents of such sweet encouragement did he utter it, that the corporal went on with his story with more alacrity than ever.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
There was, an' please your honour, said the corporal, raising his voice and rubbing the palms of his two hands cheerily together as he begun, a certain king of _Bohemia_----

THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
'In the year of our Lord 1712, there was, an' please your honour-'
'To tell thee truly, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'any other date would have pleased me better, not only on account of the sad stain upon our history that year, in marching our troops away from the siege of Quesnoi - but also on the score of thy own story, Trim; because if there are in fact giants in it-'
'Only one, your honour.'
''Tis as bad as twenty,' replied my uncle Toby; 'thou should'st have carried him back some seven or eight hundred years, out of harm's way of critics. Therefore I would advise thee, if ever thou tellest it again-'
'If I but once get through it, I will never tell it again,' quoth Trim.
'Poo, poo!' said my uncle Toby; but with accents of such sweet encouragement that the corporal went on with alacrity.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
'There was, an' please your honour,' said the corporal, raising his voice, 'a certain king of Bohemia-'


----Leave out the date entirely, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, leaning forwards, and laying his hand gently upon the corporal's shoulder to temper the interruption--leave it out entirely, _Trim_; a story passes very well without these niceties, unless one is pretty sure of 'em ----Sure of 'em! said the corporal, shaking his head----
Right; answered my uncle _Toby_, it is not easy, _Trim_, for one, bred up as thou and I have been to arms, who seldom looks further forward than to the end of his musket, or backwards beyond his knapsack, to know much about this matter ----God bless your honour! said the corporal, won by the _manner_ of my uncle _Toby's_ reasoning, as much as by the reasoning itself, he has something else to do; if not on action, or a march, or upon duty in his garrison--he has his firelock, an' please your honour, to furbish--his accoutrements to take care of--his regimentals to mend--himself to shave and keep clean, so as to appear always like what he is upon the parade; what business, added the corporal triumphantly, has a soldier, an' please your honour, to know anything at all of _geography?_
----Thou would'st have said _chronology_, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_; for as for geography, 'tis of absolute use to him; he must be acquainted intimately with every country and its boundaries where his profession carries him; he should know every town and city, and village and hamlet, with the canals, the roads, and hollow ways which lead up to them; there is not a river or a rivulet he passes, _Trim_, but he should be able at first sight to tell thee what is its name--in what mountains it takes its rise--what is its course--how far it is navigable--where fordable--where not; he should know the fertility of every valley, as well as the hind who ploughs it; and be able to describe, or, if it is required, to give thee an exact map of all the plains and defiles, the forts, the acclivities, the woods and morasses, thro' and by which his army is to march; he should know their produce, their plants, their minerals, their waters, their animals, their seasons, their climates, their heats and cold, their inhabitants, their customs, their language, their policy, and even their religion.
Is it else to be conceived, corporal, continued my uncle _Toby_, rising up in his sentry-box, as he began to warm in this part of his discourse--how _Marlborough_ could have marched his army from the banks of the _Maes_ to _Belburg_; from _Belburg_ to _Kerpenord_--(here the corporal could sit no longer) from _Kerpenord_, _Trim_, to _Kalsaken_; from _Kalsaken_ to _Newdorf_; from _Newdorf_ to _Landenbourg_; from _Landenbourg_ to _Mildenheim_; from _Mildenheim_ to _Elchingen_; from _Elchingen_ to _Gingen_; from _Gingen_ to _Balmerchoffen_; from _Balmerchoffen_ to _Skellenburg_, where he broke in upon the enemy's works; forced his passage over the _Danube_; cross'd the _Lech_--push'd on his troops into the heart of the empire, marching at the head of them through _Fribourg_, _Hokenwert_, and _Schonevelt_, to the plains of _Blenheim_ and _Hochstet?_ ----Great as he was, corporal, he could not have advanced a step, or made one single day's march without the aids of _Geography_. ----As for _Chronology_, I own, _Trim_, continued my uncle _Toby_, sitting down again coolly in his sentry-box, that of all others, it seems a science which the soldier might best spare, was it not for the lights which that science must one day give him, in determining the invention of powder; the furious execution of which, renversing everything like thunder before it, has become a new ra to us of military improvements, changing so totally the nature of attacks and defences both by sea and land, and awakening so much art and skill in doing it, that the world cannot be too exact in ascertaining the precise time of its discovery, or too inquisitive in knowing what great man was the discoverer, and what occasions gave birth to it.
I am far from controverting, continued my uncle _Toby_, what historians agree in, that in the year of our Lord 1380, under the reign of _Wencelaus_, son of _Charles_ the Fourth----a certain priest, whose name was _Schwartz_, show'd the use of powder to the _Venetians_, in their wars against the _Genoese_; but 'tis certain he was not the first; because if we are to believe Don _Pedro_, the bishop of _Leon_ --How came priests and bishops, an' please your honour, to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder? God knows, said my uncle _Toby_----his providence brings good out of everything--and he avers, in his chronicle of King _Alphonsus_, who reduced _Toledo_, That in the year 1343, which was full thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder was well known, and employed with success, both by Moors and Christians, not only in their sea-combats, at that period, but in many of their most memorable sieges in _Spain_ and _Barbary_ --And all the world knows, that Friar _Bacon_ had wrote expressly about it, and had generously given the world a receipt to make it by, above a hundred and fifty years before even _Schwartz_ was born --And that the _Chinese_, added my uncle _Toby_, embarrass us, and all accounts of it, still more, by boasting of the invention some hundreds of years even before him----
--They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried _Trim_----

'Leave out the date entirely, Trim,' quoth my uncle, gently laying his hand upon the corporal's shoulder. 'A story passes very well without these niceties. It is not easy for a soldier like us, Trim, to see further than the end of his musket.'
'God bless your honour!' said the corporal; 'a soldier has something else to do; if not in action, or on a march, or on duty - he has his firelock to furbish - his regimentals to mend - himself to shave and keep clean: what business has a soldier to know anything of geography?'
'Thou shouldst say chronology, Trim,' said my uncle; 'for geography is of great use to him; he must be acquainted intimately with every country; he should know every town and village, its canals, its roads and rivers - how far they are navigable, and where fordable; he should be able to give an exact map of all the plains, forts, woods and swamps through which his army is to march; he should know their produce, their plants, their minerals, their waters, their animals, their seasons, their climates, their inhabitants, their customs, their language, their policy, and even their religion.
'For how else,' continued my uncle Toby, rising up in his sentry-box - 'how else could Marlborough have marched his army from the Maes to Belburg; then to Newdorf and Landenbourg; from thence to Balmerchoffen; and to Skellenburg, where he broke in upon the enemy's works; forced his passage over the Danube; crossed the Lech - pushed on his troops into the heart of the empire, to the plains of Blenheim? Great as he was, he could not have advanced a step, without the aids of Geography.
'As for Chronology, I own, Trim,' continued my uncle Toby, sitting down again, 'that it seems the science which the soldier might best spare, was it not for the invention of gunpowder; which has opened a new era of military improvements, changing so totally the nature of attacks and defences, that the world cannot be too inquisitive in knowing what great man was its discoverer.
'I am far from disputing,' continued my uncle, 'what historians agree, that in the year 1380 a certain priest called Schwartz showed the use of gunpowder to the Venetians, in their wars against the Genoese; but 'tis certain he was not the first; because if we are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop of Leon-'
'How came priests and bishops, your honour, to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder?'
'God knows,' said my uncle Toby; '-He avers, in his chronicle of King Alphonsus, that in 1343 the secret of gunpowder was well known, and used with success, both by Moors and Christians, in their sea-combats, and their most memorable sieges in Spain and Barbary. - And all the world knows that Friar Bacon had wrote about it, a hundred and fifty years before Schwartz was born. - And that the Chinese,' added my uncle, 'embarrass us still more, by boasting of the invention hundreds of years even before him-'
'They are a pack of liars,' cried Trim.


----They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle _Toby_, in this matter, as is plain to me from the present miserable state of military architecture amongst them; which consists of nothing more than a foss with a brick wall without flanks--and for what they gave us as a bastion at each angle of it, 'tis so barbarously constructed, that it looks for all the world ------------Like one of my seven castles, an' please your honour, quoth _Trim_.
My uncle _Toby_, tho' in the utmost distress for a comparison, most courteously refused _Trim's_ offer--till _Trim_ telling him, he had half a dozen more in _Bohemia_, which he knew not how to get off his hands----my uncle _Toby_ was so touch'd with the pleasantry of heart of the corporal----that he discontinued his dissertation upon gunpowder----and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story of the King of _Bohemia_ and his seven castles.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
This _unfortunate_ King of _Bohemia_, said _Trim_, ----Was he unfortunate, then? cried my uncle _Toby_, for he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gunpowder, and other military affairs, that tho' he had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the epithet ----Was he _unfortunate_, then, _Trim?_ said my uncle _Toby_, pathetically ----The corporal, wishing first the _word_ and all its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the principal events in the King of _Bohemia's_ story; from every one of which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the world----it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to retract his epithet----and less to explain it----and least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a system----he looked up in my uncle _Toby's_ face for assistance----but seeing it was the very thing my uncle _Toby_ sat in expectation of himself----after a hum and a haw, he went on------
The King of _Bohemia_, an' please your honour, replied the corporal, was _unfortunate_, as thus ----That taking great pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea affairs----and there _happening_ throughout the whole kingdom of _Bohemia_, to be no seaport town whatever----
How the duce should there--_Trim?_ cried my uncle _Toby_; for _Bohemia_ being totally inland, it could have happen'd no otherwise ----It might, said _Trim_, if it had pleased God----
My uncle _Toby_ never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God, but with diffidence and hesitation----
----I believe not, replied my uncle _Toby_, after some pause----for being inland, as I said, and having _Silesia_ and _Moravia_ to the east; _Lusatia_ and _Upper Saxony_ to the north; _Franconia_ to the west; _Bavaria_ to the south; _Bohemia_ could not have been propell'd to the sea without ceasing to be _Bohemia_----nor could the sea, on the other hand, have come up to _Bohemia_, without overflowing a great part of _Germany_, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could make no defence against it ----Scandalous! cried _Trim_ --Which would bespeak, added my uncle _Toby_, mildly, such a want of compassion in him who is the father of it----that, I think, _Trim_----the thing could have happen'd no way.

'They are deceived in this matter,' said my uncle Toby, 'as is plain from the present miserable state of military architecture amongst them; which consists of nothing more than a foss with a brick wall without flanks - and with a supposed bastion at each, so barbarously constructed, that it looks for all the world-'
'Like one of my seven castles, your honour,' quoth Trim.
My uncle Toby, though needing a comparison, most courteously refused Trim's offer - till Trim telling him he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which he knew not how to get off his hands - my uncle Toby was so touched with the corporal's kindness that he stopped his speech upon gunpowder, and begged him to go on with his story.
THE STORY OF THE KING OF BOHEMIA AND HIS SEVEN CASTLES, CONTINUED
'This unfortunate King of Bohemia-' said Trim.
'Was he unfortunate, then?' cried my uncle Toby.
The corporal, wishing the word at the devil, began to run back in his mind the principal events in the King of Bohemia's story; from which it appeared that he was the most fortunate man in the world. It stopped the corporal in his tracks: for not caring to retract the phrase - still less to explain it - and least of all, to twist his tale - he looked in my uncle Toby's face for help, but seeing my uncle Toby awaiting help himself, after a hum and a haw, he went on:
'The King of Bohemia,' said the corporal, 'was unfortunate in this - that taking great pleasure in navigation and all sort of sea affairs - and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of Bohemia to be no seaport town whatever-'
'How the deuce should there be, Trim?' cried my uncle Toby; 'for Bohemia being totally inland, it could have happened no otherwise.'
'There might be,' said Trim, 'if it had pleased God.'
My uncle Toby never spoke of God without diffidence.
'I believe not,' he replied, after a pause; 'for having Silesia and Moravia to the east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north; Franconia to the west, and Bavaria to the south, Bohemia could not have been propelled to the sea without ceasing to be Bohemia. Nor could the sea have come up to Bohemia, without overflowing a great part of Germany, and destroying millions of defenceless inhabitants. Which would mean such a lack of compassion in him who caused it - that I think, Trim, the thing could in no way happen.'


The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and went on.
Now the King of _Bohemia_ with his queen and courtiers _happening_ one fine summer's evening to walk out ----Aye! there the word _happening_ is right, _Trim_, cried my uncle _Toby_; for the King of _Bohemia_ and his queen might have walk'd out or let it alone: ----'twas a matter of contingency, which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it.
King _William_ was of an opinion, an' please your honour, quoth _Trim_, that everything was predestined for us in this world; insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers, that "every ball had its billet." He was a great man, said my uncle _Toby_ ----And I believe, continued _Trim_, to this day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of _Landen_, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me out of his service, and place me in your honour's, where I should be taken so much better care of in my old age ----It shall never, _Trim_, be construed otherwise, said my uncle _Toby_.
The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to sudden overflowings; ----a short silence ensued.
Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourse--but in a gayer accent----if it had not been for that single shot, I had never, an' please your honour, been in love------
So, thou wast once in love, _Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, smiling----

The corporal made the bow of conviction; and went on.
'Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one fine summer's evening to walk out-'
'Aye! there the word happening is right, Trim,' cried my uncle Toby; 'for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have walked out or not: - 'twas a matter of chance.'
'King William was of the opinion, your honour,' quoth Trim, 'that everything was predestined for us in this world; so that he would often say to his soldiers, that "every bullet had its billet."'
'He was a great man,' said my uncle Toby.
'And I believe,' continued Trim, 'that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to place me in your honour's service, where I should be taken so much better care of in my old age.'
'So I believe too, Trim,' said my uncle Toby.
Both hearts were full of sudden overflowings; a short silence ensued.
'Besides,' resumed the corporal more cheerfully, 'if it had not been for that single shot, I would never have been in love.'
'So, thou wast once in love, Trim!' said my uncle Toby, smiling.


Souse! replied the corporal--over head and ears! an' please your honour. Prithee when? where? --and how came it to pass? ----I never heard one word of it before; quoth my uncle _Toby_: ----I dare say, answered _Trim_, that every drummer and serjeant's son in the regiment knew of it ----It's high time I should----said my uncle _Toby_.
Your honour remembers with concern, said the corporal, the total rout and confusion of our camp and army at the affair of _Landen_; every one was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the regiments of _Wyndham_, _Lumley_, and _Galway_, which covered the retreat over the bridge of _Neerspeeken_, the king himself could scarce have gained it----he was press'd hard, as your honour knows, on every side of him----

'Head over heels! your honour.'
'Prithee when? where? - and how came it to pass? I never heard one word of it before,' quoth my uncle.
'I dare say,' answered Trim, 'that every drummer in the regiment knew of it.'
'Then it's high time I did,' said my uncle Toby.
'Your honour remembers the total rout and confusion of our army at Landen; everyone was left to shift for himself; and if it had not been for the regiments of Wyndham, Lumley, and Galway, which covered the retreat, the king himself could scarce have gained it - he was pressed hard, as your honour knows-'


Gallant mortal! cried my uncle _Toby_, caught up with enthusiasm--this moment, now that all is lost, I see him galloping across me, corporal, to the left, to bring up the remains of the English horse along with him to support the right, and tear the laurel from _Luxembourg's_ brows, if yet 'tis possible ----I see him with the knot of his scarfe just shot off, infusing fresh spirits into poor _Galway's_ regiment--riding along the line--then wheeling about, and charging _Conti_ at the head of it ----Brave! brave, by heaven! cried my uncle _Toby_--he deserves a crown ----As richly, as a thief a halter; shouted _Trim_.
My uncle _Toby_ knew the corporal's loyalty; --otherwise the comparison was not at all to his mind----it did not altogether strike the corporal's fancy when he had made it----but it could not be recall'd----so he had nothing to do, but proceed.
As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think of anything but his own safety --Though _Talmash_, said my uncle _Toby_, brought off the foot with great prudence ----But I was left upon the field, said the corporal. Thou wast so; poor fellow! replied my uncle _Toby_ ----So that it was noon the next day, continued the corporal, before I was exchanged, and put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen more, in order to be convey'd to our hospital.
There is no part of the body, an' please your honour, where a wound occasions more intolerable anguish than upon the knee----

'Gallant mortal!' cried my uncle Toby, with enthusiasm - 'I see him galloping to bring up the remains of the English cavalry, and tear the laurel from Luxembourg's brows - I see him riding along the line - then wheeling about, and charging Conti at the head of it - Brave! brave, by heaven! He deserves a crown.'
'As richly, as a thief a halter,' shouted Trim.
My uncle Toby knew the corporal's loyalty; - otherwise the comparison was not at all to his liking. The corporal regretted it, but it could not be recalled; so he went on.
'As the number of wounded was prodigious, and no one had time to think of anything but his own safety, I was left upon the field. It was noon the next day before I was put into a cart with thirteen or fourteen more, to be taken to hospital. There is no part of the body, your honour, where a wound causes more intolerable anguish than upon the knee-'


Except the groin; said my uncle _Toby_. An' please your honour, replied the corporal, the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the most acute, there being so many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems all about it.
It is for that reason, quoth my uncle _Toby_, that the groin is infinitely more sensible----there being not only as many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems (for I know their names as little as thou dost)----about it----but moreover * * *----
Mrs. _Wadman_, who had been all the time in her arbour--instantly stopp'd her breath--unpinn'd her mob at the chin, and stood up upon one leg----
The dispute was maintained with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncle _Toby_ and _Trim_ for some time; till _Trim_ at length recollecting that he had often cried at his master's sufferings, but never shed a tear at his own--was for giving up the point, which my uncle _Toby_ would not allow----'Tis a proof of nothing, _Trim_, said he, but the generosity of thy temper----
So that whether the pain of a wound in the groin (cteris paribus) is greater than the pain of a wound in the knee----or
Whether the pain of a wound in the knee is not greater than the pain of a wound in the groin----are points which to this day remain unsettled.

'Except the groin,' said my uncle Toby.
'An' please your honour,' replied the corporal, 'the knee, in my opinion, must certainly be the most acute, there being so many tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems all around it.'
'It is for that reason,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'that the groin is infinitely more sensitive - there being not only tendons and what-d'ye-call-'ems - but moreover * * *.'
Mrs. Wadman, who had been all this time in her arbour, instantly held her breath - unpinned her mob-cap, and stood upon one leg.
The dispute went on with amicable and equal force betwixt my uncle Toby and Trim; till Trim at length recollecting that he had often cried at his master's sufferings, but never shed a tear at his own, was willing to give up the point, which my uncle Toby would not allow.
''Tis proof of nothing, Trim,' said he, 'but thy generosity.'
So whether the pain of a wound in the groin is greater than the pain of a wound in the knee - or vice versa - to this day remains unsettled.


Le Fever got up to the Imperial army just time enough to try what metal his sword was made of, at the defeat of the _Turks_ before _Belgrade_; but a series of unmerited mischances had pursued him from that moment, and trod close upon his heels for four years together after; he had withstood these buffetings to the last, till sickness overtook him at _Marseilles_, from whence he wrote my uncle _Toby_ word, he had lost his time, his services, his health, and, in short, everything but his sword; ----and was waiting for the first ship to return back to him.
As this letter came to hand about six weeks before _Susannah's_ accident, _Le Fever_ was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle _Toby's_ mind all the time my father was giving him and _Yorick_ a description of what kind of a person he would chuse for a preceptor to me: but as my uncle _Toby_ thought my father at first somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he forebore mentioning _Le Fever's_ name, ----till the character, by _Yorick's_ interposition, ending unexpectedly, in one, who should be gentle-tempered, and generous, and good, it impressed the image of _Le Fever_, and his interest, upon my uncle _Toby_ so forcibly, he rose instantly off his chair; and laying down his pipe, in order to take hold of both my father's hands ----I beg, brother _Shandy_, said my uncle _Toby_, I may recommend poor _Le Fever's_ son to you ----I beseech you do, added _Yorick_ ----He has a good heart, said my uncle _Toby_ ----And a brave one too, an' please your honour, said the corporal.
----The best hearts, _Trim_, are ever the bravest, replied my uncle _Toby_. ----And the greatest cowards, an' please your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals in it. ----There was serjeant _Kumber_, and ensign------
----We'll talk of them, said my father, another time.

Le Fever reached the Imperial army in time to try his sword at the defeat of the Turks before Belgrade; but a series of undeserved accidents pursued him from that moment for four years after; he withstood these buffetings, till sickness overtook him at Marseilles.
From thence he wrote to my uncle Toby that he had lost his time, his services, his health, and, in short, everything but his sword; and was waiting for the first ship to return to him.
As this letter arrived about six weeks before Susannah's accident, Le Fever was hourly expected; and was uppermost in my uncle Toby's mind while my father was describing the person he would choose as a tutor for me. However, as my uncle Toby thought my father somewhat fanciful in the accomplishments he required, he did not mention Le Fever's name till Yorick suggested that the tutor should be gentle-tempered, generous, and good. This impressed the image of Le Fever upon my uncle Toby so forcibly, he rose instantly, and taking my father's hands, said:
'I beg, brother Shandy, I may recommend poor Le Fever's son to you. He has a good heart.'
'And a brave one too, your honour,' said the corporal.
'The best hearts, Trim, are ever the bravest,' replied my uncle Toby.
'And the greatest cowards, your honour, in our regiment, were the greatest rascals. There was sergeant Kumber, and ensign-'
'We'll talk of them,' said my father, 'another time.'


Holla! ----you, chairman! ----here's sixpence----do step into that bookseller's shop, and call me a _day-tall_ critick. I am very willing to give any one of 'em a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my father and my uncle _Toby_ off the stairs, and to put them to bed.
--'Tis even high time; for except a short nap, which they both got whilst _Trim_ was boring the jack-boots--and which, by the bye, did my father no sort of good, upon the score of the bad hinge--they have not else shut their eyes, since nine hours before the time that Dr. _Slop_ was led into the back parlour in that dirty pickle by _Obadiah_.
Was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this--and to take up --Truce.
I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the strange state of affairs between the reader and myself, just as things stand at present--an observation never applicable before to any one biographical writer since the creation of the world, but to myself--and I believe, will never hold good to any other, until its final destruction--and therefore, for the very novelty of it alone, it must be worth your worships attending to.
I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelve-month; and having got, as you perceive, almost into the middle of my fourth volume[4.7]--and no farther than to my first day's life--'tis demonstrative that I have three hundred and sixty-four days more life to write just now, than when I first set out; so that instead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work with what I have been doing at it--on the contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes back--was every day of my life to be as busy a day as this --And why not? ----and the transactions and opinions of it to take up as much description --And for what reason should they be cut short? as at this rate I should just live 364 times faster than I should write --It must follow, an' please your worships, that the more I write, the more I shall have to write--and consequently, the more your worships read, the more your worships will have to read.

Holla! here's sixpence - do step into that bookseller's shop, and get me a day-tall critic. I am very willing to give any one of 'em a crown to help me get my father and my uncle Toby off the stairs, and put them to bed.
'Tis high time; for except for a short nap, which they had whilst Trim was boring the jack-boots - which nap, by the bye, did my father no good, because of the bad hinge - they have not shut their eyes since nine hours before Dr. Slop was led into the back parlour by Obadiah.
Was every day of my life to be as busy as this - Truce.
I will not finish that sentence till I have made an observation upon the strange state of affairs between the reader and myself - an observation that never applied before to any biographical writer in the world, but me - and therefore, for its novelty alone, it must be worth your worships attending to.
I am this month one whole year older than I was this time twelve months ago; and having got, as you see, almost into the middle of my fourth volume, and no farther than my first day of life - therefore I have three hundred and sixty-four days more life to write now, than when I first set out; so that instead of advancing, as a common writer, in my work - on the contrary, I am just thrown so many volumes back.
If every day of my life was as busy as this - and my opinions were to take up as much description - and why should they be cut short? - at this rate I should just live 364 times faster than I write. It must follow that the more I write, the more I shall have to write - and consequently, the more your worships read, the more your worships will have to read.


Will this be good for your worships' eyes?
It will do well for mine; and, was it not that my OPINIONS will be the death of me, I perceive I shall lead a fine life of it out of this self-same life of mine; or, in other words, shall lead a couple of fine lives together.
As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year, or a volume a month, it no way alters my prospect--write as I will, and rush as I may into the middle of things, as _Horace_ advises --I shall never overtake myself whipp'd and driven to the last pinch; at the worst I shall have one day the start of my pen--and one day is enough for two volumes----and two volumes will be enough for one year.--
Heaven prosper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious reign, which is now opened to us----as I trust its providence will prosper everything else in it that is taken in hand.----
As for the propagation of Geese --I give myself no concern --Nature is all bountiful --I shall never want tools to work with.
--So then, friend! you have got my father and my uncle _Toby_ off the stairs, and seen them to bed? ------And how did you manage it? ----You dropp'd a curtain at the stair-foot --I thought you had no other way for it ------Here's a crown for your trouble.
[Footnote 4.7: According to the original Editions.]

Was it not that my Opinions will be the death of me, I shall lead a fine life out of this life of mine; or, rather shall lead a couple of fine lives together.
As for the proposal of twelve volumes a year, it no way alters my prospect - rush as I may, I shall never overtake myself; at the worst I shall have one day's head start of my pen - and one day is enough for two volumes - and two volumes will be enough for one year.
Heaven prosper the manufacturers of paper under this propitious reign.
As for Geese and their quills - I have no concern. Nature is bountiful - I shall never lack tools to work with.
So then, friend! you have got my father and my uncle off the stairs, and seen them to bed? How did you manage it? You dropped a curtain at the stair-foot. - Here's a crown for your trouble.


Is this a fit time, said my father to himself, to talk of PENSIONS and GRENADIERS?

Is this a fit time, said my father to himself, to talk of Pensions and Grenadiers?


To conceive this right, --call for pen and ink--here's paper ready to your hand. ----Sit down, Sir, paint her to your own mind----as like your mistress as you can----as unlike your wife as your conscience will let you--'tis all one to me----please but your own fancy in it.
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------Was ever any thing in Nature so sweet! --so exquisite!

To imagine this right, call for pen and ink - here's paper ready to your hand. Sit down, Sir, and paint her as like your mistress as you can - as unlike your wife as your conscience will let you - 'tis all one to me - please your own fancy.
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Was ever any thing in Nature so sweet! so exquisite!


----Then, dear Sir, how could my uncle _Toby_ resist it?
Thrice happy book! thou wilt have one page, at least, within thy covers, which MALICE will not blacken, and which IGNORANCE cannot misrepresent.

How could my uncle Toby resist?
Thrice happy book! thou wilt have this one page, at least, which Malice will not blacken, and which Ignorance cannot misrepresent.