----But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a description of his attitude; ----otherwise he will naturally stand represented, by your imagination, in an uneasy posture, --stiff, --perpendicular, --dividing the weight of his body equally upon both legs; ----his eye fixed, as if on duty; --his look determined, --clenching the sermon in his left hand, like his firelock. ----In a word, you would be apt to paint _Trim_, as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action. --His attitude was as unlike all this as you can conceive.
He stood before them with his body swayed, and bent forwards just so far, as to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the horizon; --which sound orators, to whom I address this, know very well to be the true persuasive angle of incidence; --in any other angle you may talk and preach; --'tis certain; --and it is done every day; --but with what effect, --I leave the world to judge!
The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half to a mathematical exactness, ----does it not shew us, by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other?
How the duce Corporal _Trim_, who knew not so much as an acute angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly; ----or whether it was chance or nature, or good sense or imitation, &c., shall be commented upon in that part of the cyclopdia of arts and sciences, where the instrumental parts of the eloquence of the senate, the pulpit, and the bar, the coffee-house, the bed-chamber, and fire-side, fall under consideration.
He stood, ----for I repeat it, to take the picture of him in at one view, with his body swayed, and somewhat bent forwards, --his right leg from under him, sustaining seven-eighths of his whole weight, ------the foot of his left leg, the defect of which was no disadvantage to his attitude, advanced a little, --not laterally, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt them; --his knee bent, but that not violently, --but so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty; --and I add, of the line of science too; --for consider, it had one eighth part of his body to bear up; --so that in this case the position of the leg is determined, --because the foot could be no farther advanced, or the knee more bent, than what would allow him, mechanically to receive an eighth part of his whole weight under it, and to carry it too.
[-->] This I recommend to painters: --need I add, --to orators! --I think not; for unless they practise it, ------they must fall upon their noses.

- But before the Corporal begins, I must first give you a description of his attitude; otherwise you will imagine him stiff and perpendicular, - his eye fixed, as if on duty, his look determined; clenching the sermon in his left hand. - In a word, you would be apt to paint Trim, as if he was standing in his platoon ready for action. His attitude was as unlike this as you can conceive.
He stood before them with his body bent forwards to make an angle of 85 degrees and a half from the horizontal; - which orators know very well to be the true persuasive angle of incidence; - in any other angle you may talk and preach, certainly; but with what effect, I leave the world to judge!
The necessity of this precise angle, of 85 degrees and a half - does it not show us, by the way, how the arts and sciences mutually befriend each other?
How the deuce Corporal Trim, who knew not an acute angle from an obtuse one, came to hit it so exactly; whether it was chance or good sense or imitation, I know not.
He stood, I repeat, with his body somewhat bent forwards, his right leg sustaining seven-eighths of his weight, - the left foot advanced a little, his knee bent, not violently, but so as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty; - consider, it had one eighth of his body to bear up - so that the foot could be no farther advanced, or the knee more bent, than what would allow him to carry an eighth part of his weight.
[This I recommend to painters: - need I add, to orators! for unless they practise it, they must fall upon their noses.]


So much for Corporal _Trim's_ body and legs. ----He held the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand, raised something above his stomach, and detached a little from his breast; ----his right arm falling negligently by his side, as nature and the laws of gravity ordered it, ----but with the palm of it open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid the sentiment in case it stood in need.
Corporal _Trim's_ eyes and the muscles of his face were in full harmony with the other parts of him; --he looked frank, --unconstrained, --something assured, --but not bordering upon assurance.
Let not the critic ask how Corporal _Trim_ could come by all this. ----I've told him it should be explained; --but so he stood before my father, my uncle _Toby_, and Dr. _Slop_, --so swayed his body, so contrasted his limbs, and with such an oratorical sweep throughout the whole figure, ----a statuary might have modelled from it; ----nay, I doubt whether the oldest Fellow of a College, --or the _Hebrew_ Professor himself, could have much mended it.
_Trim_ made a bow, and read as follows:
The SERMON
HEBREWS xiii. 18
----_For we _trust_ we have a good Conscience_

So much for Corporal Trim's legs. He held the sermon loosely, not carelessly, in his left hand; his right arm falling negligently by his side, but with the palm open and turned towards his audience, ready to aid the sentiment if needed.
Corporal Trim's eyes and face were in full harmony with the rest of him; he looked frank and assured.
So he stood, with such an oratorical sweep of figure, a statue might have been modelled from it.
He made a bow, and read as follows:
The Sermon
HEBREWS xiii. 18
For we trust we have a good Conscience


"Trust! ----Trust we have a good conscience!"
[Certainly, _Trim_, quoth my father, interrupting him, you give that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man, and read it with such a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to abuse the Apostle.
He is, an' please your Honour, replied _Trim_. Pugh! said my father, smiling.

'"Trust! Trust we have a good conscience!"'
'Certainly, Trim,' quoth my father, interrupting him, 'you give that sentence a very improper accent; for you curl up your nose, man, and read it with a sneering tone, as if the Parson was going to abuse the apostle.'
'He is, your Honour,' replied Trim.
'Pugh!' said my father, smiling.


Sir, quoth Dr. _Slop_, _Trim_ is certainly in the right; for the writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) by the snappish manner in which he takes up the apostle, is certainly going to abuse him; --if this treatment of him has not done it already. But from whence, replied my father, have you concluded so soon, Dr. _Slop_, that the writer is of our church? --for aught I can see yet, --he may be of any church. ----Because, answered Dr. _Slop_, if he was of ours, --he durst no more take such a licence, --than a bear by his beard: --If, in our communion, Sir, a man was to insult an apostle, ----a saint, ----or even the paring of a saint's nail, --he would have his eyes scratched out. --What, by the saint? quoth my uncle _Toby_. No, replied Dr. _Slop_, he would have an old house over his head. Pray is the Inquisition an ancient building, answered my uncle _Toby_, or is it a modern one? --I know nothing of architecture, replied Dr. _Slop_. --An' please your Honours, quoth _Trim_, the Inquisition is the vilest ----Prithee spare thy description, _Trim_, I hate the very name of it, said my father.

'Sir,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'The writer (who I perceive is a Protestant) is certainly going to abuse the apostle, if he has not done it already.'
'But how,' replied my father, 'have you concluded so soon, Dr. Slop, that the writer is of our church? for aught I can see, he may be of any church.'
'Because,' answered Dr. Slop, 'if he was of ours, he would not dare take such a liberty. If, in our communion, Sir, a man was to insult an apostle - a saint - he would have his eyes scratched out.'
'What, by the saint?' quoth my uncle Toby.
'No,' replied Dr. Slop, 'he would have an old house on his head.'
'Is the Inquisition an ancient building?' asked my uncle Toby.
'I know nothing of architecture,' replied Dr. Slop.
'An' please your Honours,' quoth Trim, 'the Inquisition is the vilest-'
'Prithee stop thy description, Trim, I hate the very name of it,' said my father.


--No matter for that, answered Dr. _Slop_, --it has its uses; for tho' I'm no great advocate for it, yet, in such a case as this, he would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would be flung into the Inquisition for his pains. God help him then, quoth my uncle _Toby_. Amen, added _Trim_; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it. --I never heard one word of it before, said my uncle _Toby_, hastily: --How came he there, _Trim?_ ----O, Sir! the story will make your heart bleed, --as it has made mine a thousand times; --but it is too long to be told now; --your Honour shall hear it from first to last some day when I am working beside you in our fortifications; --but the short of the story is this; --That my brother _Tom_ went over a servant to _Lisbon_, --and then married a Jew's widow, who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which somehow or other, was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and two small children, and carried directly to the Inquisition, where, God help him, continued _Trim_, fetching a sigh from the bottom of his heart, --the poor honest lad lies confined at this hour; he was as honest a soul, added _Trim_, (pulling out his handkerchief) as ever blood warmed.----
--The tears trickled down _Trim's_ cheeks faster than he could well wipe them away. --And dead silence in the room ensued for some minutes. --Certain proof of pity!
Come, _Trim_, quoth my father, after he saw the poor fellow's grief had got a little vent, --read on, --and put this melancholy story out of thy head: --I grieve that I interrupted thee; but prithee begin the sermon again; --for if the first sentence in it is matter of abuse, as thou sayest, I have a great desire to know what kind of provocation the apostle has given.
Corporal _Trim_ wiped his face, and returned his handkerchief into his pocket, and, making a bow as he did it, --he began again.]

'It has its uses,' answered Dr. Slop, 'though I'm no great advocate for it; yet, in such a case as this, he would soon be taught better manners; and I can tell him, if he went on, he would be flung into the Inquisition for his pains.'
'God help him then,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'Amen,' added Trim; 'for I have a poor brother who has been fourteen years a captive in it.'
'I never heard one word of this before,' said my uncle Toby. 'How came he there, Trim?'
'O, Sir! the story will make your heart bleed - but it is too long to be told now; your Honour shall hear it some day when I am working beside you in our fortifications; - but the short of the story is this. My brother Tom was a servant in Lisbon, and married a Jew's widow, who kept a small shop, and sold sausages, which somehow or other, was the cause of his being taken in the middle of the night out of his bed, where he was lying with his wife and two small children, and carried to the Inquisition, where, God help him,' continued Trim, with a deep sigh, pulling out his handkerchief, 'the poor honest lad lies confined to this hour.'
The tears trickled down Trim's cheeks faster than he could wipe them away. Dead silence ensued for some minutes. Certain proof of pity!
'Come, Trim,' quoth my father, after a while, 'read, and put this melancholy story out of thy head. Begin again.'
Corporal Trim wiped his face, returned his handkerchief into his pocket, and began again.


The SERMON
HEBREWS xiii. 18
_----For we _trust_ we have a good Conscience. --_
"Trust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there is any thing in this life which a man may depend upon, and to the knowledge of which he is capable of arriving upon the most indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing, --whether he has a good conscience or no."
[I am positive I am right, quoth Dr. _Slop_.]
"If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a stranger to the true state of this account; ----he must be privy to his own thoughts and desires; --he must remember his past pursuits, and know certainly the true springs and motives, which, in general, have governed the actions of his life."
[I defy him, without an assistant, quoth Dr. _Slop_.]

The Sermon
HEBREWS xiii. 18
For we trust we have a good Conscience
'"Trust! trust we have a good conscience! Surely if there is anything in this life which a man may depend upon, and may know upon the most indisputable evidence, it must be this very thing, whether he has a good conscience or no."'
['I am positive I am right,' quoth Dr. Slop.]
'"If a man thinks at all, he must be aware of his own thoughts and desires; he must remember his past pursuits, and know the true motives which have governed the actions of his life.


"In other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; and, as the wise man complains, _hardly do we guess aright at the things that are upon the earth, and with labour do we find the things that are before us_. But here the mind has all the evidence and facts within herself; ----is conscious of the web she has wove; ----knows its texture and fineness, and the exact share which every passion has had in working upon the several designs which virtue or vice has planned before her."
[The language is good, and I declare _Trim_ reads very well, quoth my father.]
"Now, --as conscience is nothing else but the knowledge which the mind has within herself of this; and the judgment, either of approbation or censure, which it unavoidably makes upon the successive actions of our lives; 'tis plain you will say, from the very terms of the proposition, --whenever this inward testimony goes against a man, and he stands self-accused, that he must necessarily be a guilty man. --And, on the contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart condemns him not: --that it is not a matter of _trust_, as the apostle intimates, but a matter of _certainty_ and fact, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good also."
[Then the apostle is altogether in the wrong, I suppose, quoth Dr. _Slop_, and the Protestant divine is in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my father, for I think it will presently appear that St. _Paul_ and the Protestant divine are both of an opinion. --As nearly so, quoth Dr. _Slop_, as east is to west; --but this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes from the liberty of the press.
It is no more, at the worst, replied my uncle _Toby_, than the liberty of the pulpit; for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or ever likely to be.
Go on, _Trim_, quoth my father.]

'"In other matters we may be deceived by false appearances; but here the mind has all the evidence and facts within herself; is conscious of the web she has wove; - knows its texture, and the exact share which every passion has had in working upon the designs which virtue or vice has planned before her."'
['The language is good, and I declare Trim reads very well,' quoth my father.]
'"Now, as conscience is nothing but the knowledge which the mind has within herself; and the approval or censure, which it makes upon our actions; 'tis plain, you will say, that whenever this inward testimony goes against a man, and he stands self-accused, that he must be guilty. And, on the contrary, when the report is favourable on his side, and his heart condemns him not: - it is not a matter of trust, as the apostle suggests, but a matter of certainty, that the conscience is good, and that the man must be good also."'
['Then the apostle is altogether wrong, I suppose,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'and the Protestant divine is in the right.'
'Sir, have patience,' replied my father, 'for I think it will presently appear that St. Paul and the Protestant divine have the same opinion.'
'As nearly so,' quoth Dr. Slop, 'as east is like west; but this comes from the liberty of the press.'
'It is only the liberty of the pulpit,' replied my uncle Toby; 'for it does not appear that the sermon is printed, or ever likely to be.'
'Go on, Trim,' quoth my father.]


"At first sight this may seem to be a true state of the case: and I make no doubt but the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind of man, --that did no such thing ever happen, as that the conscience of a man, by long habits of sin, might (as the scripture assures it may) insensibly become hard; --and, like some tender parts of his body, by much stress and continual hard usage, lose by degrees that nice sense and perception with which God and nature endowed it: --Did this never happen; --or was it certain that self-love could never hang the least bias upon the judgment; --or that the little interests below could rise up and perplex the faculties of our upper regions, and encompass them about with clouds and thick darkness: ----Could no such thing as favour and affection enter this sacred Court: --Did WIT disdain to take a bribe in it; --or was ashamed to shew its face as an advocate for an unwarrantable enjoyment: Or, lastly, were we assured that INTEREST stood always unconcerned whilst the cause was hearing--and that Passion never got into the judgment-seat, and pronounced sentence in the stead of Reason, which is supposed always to preside and determine upon the case: --Was this truly so, as the objection must suppose; --no doubt then the religious and moral state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it: --and the guilt or innocence of every man's life could be known, in general, by no better measure, than the degrees of his own approbation and censure.
"I own, in one case, whenever a man's conscience does accuse him (as it seldom errs on that side) that he is guilty; and unless in melancholy and hypocondriac cases, we may safely pronounce upon it, that there is always sufficient grounds for the accusation.
"But the converse of the proposition will not hold true; --namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent. ----This is not fact ------So that the common consolation which some good christian or other is hourly administering to himself, --that he thanks God his mind does not misgive him; and that, consequently, he has a good conscience, because he hath a quiet one, --is fallacious; --and as current as the inference is, and as infallible as the rule appears at first sight, yet when you look nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon plain facts, ----you see it liable to so much error from a false application; ----the principle upon which it goes so often perverted; ----the whole force of it lost, and sometimes so vilely cast away, that it is painful to produce the common examples from human life, which confirm the account.
"A man shall be vicious and utterly debauched in his principles; --exceptionable in his conduct to the world; shall live shameless, in the open commission of a sin which no reason or pretence can justify, ----a sin by which, contrary to all the workings of humanity, he shall ruin for ever the deluded partner of his guilt; --rob her of her best dowry; and not only cover her own head with dishonour; --but involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches.
"Alas! CONSCIENCE had something else to do all this time, than break in upon him; as _Elijah_ reproached the god _Baal_, ----this domestic god _was either talking, or pursuing, or was in a journey, or peradventure he slept and could not be awoke_.
"Perhaps HE was gone out in company with HONOUR to fight a duel: to pay off some debt at play; ----or dirty annuity, the bargain of his lust; Perhaps CONSCIENCE all this time was engaged at home, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some such puny crimes as his fortune and rank of life secured him against all temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrily" ----[If he was of our church, tho', quoth Dr. _Slop_, he could not]-- "sleeps as soundly in his bed; --and at last meets death as unconcernedly; --perhaps much more so, than a much better man."

'"At first sight this may seem to be the true state of the case: and the knowledge of right and wrong is so truly impressed upon the mind of man, that if a man's conscience did not, by long habits of sin, gradually become hard, and lose that sense and perception which God gave it: if this never happened; or if it was certain that self-love never biased the judgment: - if neither favour nor wit entered this sacred Court, and if Passion never pronounced judgement instead of Reason: - was this truly so, then no doubt the moral state of a man would be exactly what he himself esteemed it: and the guilt or innocence of every man's life could be known by no better measure, than his own approbation or censure.
"I admit that whenever a man's conscience accuses him of guilt (as it seldom errs on that side), we may safely say that (except in cases of melancholy) there are sufficient grounds for the accusation.
"But the opposite will not hold true; namely, that whenever there is guilt, the conscience must accuse; and that if it does not, that a man is therefore innocent. This is not fact. The common consolation which some good Christian or other is hourly administering to himself, - that he thanks God he has a good conscience, merely because he hath a quiet one - is false; and the rule is liable to so much error that the whole force of it is lost.
"A man may be vicious and utterly debauched; may live shamelessly, openly committing a sin which shall ruin for ever the deluded partner of his guilt; and not only cover her head with dishonour, but involve a whole virtuous family in shame and sorrow for her sake. Surely, you will think conscience must lead such a man a troublesome life; he can have no rest night or day from its reproaches.
"Alas! Conscience is busy elsewhere all this time, talking aloud against petty larceny, and executing vengeance upon some puny crimes that his fortune secures him against any temptation of committing; so that he lives as merrily, sleeps as soundly, and at last meets death as unconcernedly as a much better man."'


[All this is impossible with us, quoth Dr. _Slop_, turning to my father, --the case could not happen in our church. --It happens in ours, however, replied my father, but too often. ----I own, quoth Dr. _Slop_, (struck a little with my father's frank acknowledgment)--that a man in the _Romish_ church may live as badly; --but then he cannot easily die so. ----'Tis little matter, replied my father, with an air of indifference, --how a rascal dies. --I mean, answered Dr. _Slop_, he would be denied the benefits of the last sacraments. --Pray how many have you in all, said my uncle _Toby_, ----for I always forget? ----Seven, answered Dr. _Slop_. ----Humph! --said my uncle _Toby_; tho' not accented as a note of acquiescence, --but as an interjection of that particular species of surprize, when a man in looking into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he expected. ----Humph!

['All this is impossible with us,' quoth Dr. Slop, turning to my father; 'it could not happen in our church.'
'It happens in ours only too often,' replied my father.
'I admit,' quoth Dr. Slop, struck with my father's frankness, 'that a man in the Romish church may live badly; but then he cannot easily die so.'
''Tis little matter,' replied my father, 'how a rascal dies.'
'I mean,' answered Dr. Slop, 'he would be denied the last sacraments.'
'Pray, how many have you,' said my uncle Toby, 'for I always forget?'
'Seven,' answered Dr. Slop.
'Humph!' said my uncle Toby, with the tone of that particular kind of surprise, when a man looking into a drawer finds more of a thing than he expected.


replied my uncle _Toby_. Dr. _Slop_, who had an ear, understood my uncle _Toby_ as well as if he had wrote a whole volume against the seven sacraments. ----Humph! replied Dr. _Slop_ (stating my uncle _Toby's_ argument over again to him) ----Why, Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues? ----Seven mortal sins? ----Seven golden candlesticks? ----Seven heavens? --'Tis more than I know, replied my uncle _Toby_. ------Are there not seven wonders of the world? ----Seven days of the creation?

Dr. Slop understood this tone. 'Humph!' he replied. 'Sir, are there not seven cardinal virtues? Seven mortal sins? Seven heavens?'
''Tis more than I know,' replied my uncle Toby.
'Are there not seven wonders of the world? Seven days of the creation?


----Seven planets? ----Seven plagues? ----That there are, quoth my father with a most affected gravity. But prithee, continued he, go on with the rest of thy characters, _Trim_.]
"Another is sordid, unmerciful," (here _Trim_ waved his right hand) "a strait-hearted, selfish wretch, incapable either of private friendship or public spirit. Take notice how he passes by the widow and orphan in their distress, and sees all the miseries incident to human life without a sigh or a prayer." [An' please your honours, cried _Trim_, I think this a viler man than the other.]
"Shall not conscience rise up and sting him on such occasions? ----No; thank God there is no occasion, _I pay every man his own; --I have no fornication to answer to my conscience; --no faithless vows or promises to make up; --I have debauched no man's wife or child; thank God, I am not as other men, adulterers, unjust, or even as this libertine, who stands before me._

Seven planets? Seven plagues?'
'That there are,' quoth my father. 'But prithee, Trim, go on.']
'"Another man is sordid, unmerciful,"' (here Trim waved his right hand) - '"a selfish wretch, incapable either of private friendship or public spirit. He passes by the widow and orphan in their distress, and sees human misery without a sigh or a prayer. Shall not conscience rise up and sting him? 'No,' he says; 'there is no need, I pay every man his due; I have no fornication, no faithless vows; thank God, I am not an adulterer like other men.'


"A third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his whole life; --'tis nothing but a cunning contexture of dark arts and unequitable subterfuges, basely to defeat the true intent of all laws, ----plain-dealing and the safe enjoyment of our several properties. ----You will see such a one working out a frame of little designs upon the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and needy man; --shall raise a fortune upon the inexperience of a youth, or the unsuspecting temper of his friend, who would have trusted him with his life.
"When old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon this black account, and state it over again with his conscience --CONSCIENCE looks into the STATUTES AT LARGE; --finds no express law broken by what he has done; --perceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods and chattels incurred; --sees no scourge waving over his head, or prison opening his gates upon him: --What is there to affright his conscience? --Conscience has got safely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with #Cases# and #Reports# so strongly on all sides; --that it is not preaching can dispossess it of its hold."

'"A third is crafty and designing in his nature. View his life; 'tis nothing but a cunning mixture of dark arts and subterfuges. You will see such a one working out designs upon the ignorance of the poor and needy man. He shall raise a fortune upon an inexperienced youth, or an unsuspecting friend, who would have trusted him with his life.
'"When old age comes on, and repentance calls him to look back upon this black account, conscience finds no law broken by what he has done; perceives no prison opening its gates. Conscience is safely entrenched behind the Letter of the Law; sits there invulnerable, fortified with Cases and Reports.'"


[Here Corporal _Trim_ and my uncle _Toby_ exchanged looks with each other. --Aye, aye, _Trim!_ quoth my uncle _Toby_, shaking his head, ------these are but sorry fortifications, _Trim_. ------O! very poor work, answered _Trim_, to what your Honour and I make of it. ----The character of this last man, said Dr. _Slop_, interrupting _Trim_, is more detestable than all the rest; and seems to have been taken from some pettifogging Lawyer amongst you: --Amongst us, a man's conscience could not possibly continue so long _blinded_, ----three times in a year, at least, he must go to confession. Will that restore it to sight? quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----Go on, _Trim_, quoth my father, or _Obadiah_ will have got back before thou hast got to the end of thy sermon. ----'Tis a very short one, replied _Trim_. ----I wish it was longer, quoth my uncle _Toby_, for I like it hugely.

[Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby exchanged looks.
'Aye, aye, Trim!' quoth my uncle Toby, shaking his head, 'these are sorry fortifications.'
'O! very poor work,' answered Trim.
'The character of this last man,' said Dr. Slop, 'is more detestable than all the rest; and seems to have been taken from some pettifogging Lawyer. Amongst us, a man's conscience could not possibly continue so long blinded: three times a year, at least, he must go to confession.'
'Will that restore it to sight?' asked my uncle Toby.
'Go on, Trim,' quoth my father, 'or Obadiah will have got back before thou hast finished thy sermon.'
''Tis a very short one,' replied Trim.
'I wish it was longer,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'for I like it hugely.'


"A fourth man shall want even this refuge; --shall break through all their ceremony of slow chicane; ----scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots and cautious trains to bring about his purpose: ----See the bare-faced villain, how he cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders! --Horrid! --But indeed much better was not to be expected, in the present case--the poor man was in the dark! ------his priest had got the keeping of his conscience; ----and all he would let him know of it, was, That he must believe in the Pope; --go to Mass; --cross himself; --tell his beads; --be a good Catholic, and that this, in all conscience, was enough to carry him to heaven. What; --if he perjures! --Why; --he had a mental reservation in it. --But if he is so wicked and abandoned a wretch as you represent him; --if he robs, --if he stabs, will not conscience, on every such act, receive a wound itself? --Aye, --but the man has carried it to confession; ----the wound digests there, and will do well enough, and in a short time be quite healed up by absolution. O Popery! what hast thou to answer for?

'"A fourth man shall lack even this refuge; he scorns the doubtful workings of secret plots. See the bare-faced villain, how he cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders! Horrid! - But indeed no better was to be expected, for the poor man was in the dark! His priest had got the keeping of his conscience; and all he would let him know of it, was that he must believe in the Pope; go to Mass; cross himself; be a good Catholic, and that this was enough to carry him to heaven.
'"But if he is so wicked, you may say, - if he robs and stabs, will not his conscience receive a wound? - Aye, but the man has carried it to confession; the wound will soon be quite healed up by absolution. O Popery! what hast thou to answer for?


----when, not content with the too many natural and fatal ways, thro' which the heart of man is every day thus treacherous to itself above all things; --thou hast wilfully set open the wide gate of deceit before the face of this unwary traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray of himself; and confidently speak peace to himself, when there is no peace.
"Of this the common instances which I have drawn out of life, are too notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts the reality of them, or thinks it impossible for a man to be such a bubble to himself, --I must refer him a moment to his own reflections, and will then venture to trust my appeal with his own heart.
"Let him consider in how different a degree of detestation, numbers of wicked actions stand _there_, tho' equally bad and vicious in their own natures; --he will soon find, that such of them as strong inclination and custom have prompted him to commit, are generally dressed out and painted with all the false beauties which a soft and a flattering hand can give them; --and that the others, to which he feels no propensity, appear, at once, naked and deformed, surrounded with all the true circumstances of folly and dishonour.
"When _David_ surprized _Saul_ sleeping in the cave, and cut off the skirt of his robe--we read his heart smote him for what he had done: ----But in the matter of _Uriah_, where a faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved and honoured, fell to make way for his lust, --where conscience had so much greater reason to take the alarm, his heart smote him not. A whole year had almost passed from the first commission of that crime, to the time _Nathan_ was sent to reprove him; and we read not once of the least sorrow or compunction of heart which he testified, during all that time, for what he had done.
"Thus conscience, this once able monitor, ----placed on high as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a just and equitable one too, --by an unhappy train of causes and impediments, takes often such imperfect cognizance of what passes, ----does its office so negligently, ----sometimes so corruptly--that it is not to be trusted alone; and therefore we find there is a necessity, an absolute necessity, of joining another principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its determinations.

Not content with the many natural ways in which the heart of man is every day treacherous to itself, thou hast wilfully set open the wide gate of deceit to this unwary traveller, too apt, God knows, to go astray, and confidently speak peace to himself, when there is no peace.
'"Examples of this are too notorious to require much evidence. If any man doubts them, I must refer him to his own reflections, and will then trust my appeal with his heart.
'"He will soon find that there, wicked actions are viewed differently: some, which his wishes and habits have prompted him to commit, are painted with false beauty; yet others, to which he feels no inclination, appear naked and deformed, surrounded with folly and dishonour.
'"When David surprised Saul sleeping in the cave, and cut off the skirt of his robe - we read his heart smote him for what he had done. But in the matter of Uriah, where a faithful and gallant servant, whom he ought to have loved, fell to make way for his lust, - where conscience had so much greater reason to take alarm, his heart smote him not. We read not once of the least sorrow or compunction which he felt for what he had done.
'"Thus conscience, placed on high as a judge within us, and intended by our Maker as a just one, - by an unhappy train of impediments, does its office so imperfectly - sometimes so corruptly - that it is not to be trusted alone. Therefore we find there is an absolute necessity of joining another principle with it, to aid its determinations.


"So that if you would form a just judgment of what is of infinite importance to you not to be misled in, --namely, in what degree of real merit you stand either as an honest man, an useful citizen, a faithful subject to your king, or a good servant to your God, ----call in religion and morality. --Look, What is written in the law of God? ----How readest thou? --Consult calm reason and the unchangeable obligations of justice and truth; ----what say they?
"Let CONSCIENCE determine the matter upon these reports; ----and then if thy heart condemns thee not, which is the case the apostle supposes, ----the rule will be infallible;" --[Here Dr. _Slop_ fell asleep]-- "_thou wilt have confidence towards God_; ----that is, have just grounds to believe the judgment thou hast past upon thyself, is the judgment of God; and nothing else but an anticipation of that righteous sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter by that Being, to whom thou art finally to give an account of thy actions.
"_Blessed is the man_, indeed, then, as the author of the book of _Ecclesiasticus_ expresses it, _who is not pricked with the multitude of his sins: Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned him; whether he be rich, or whether he be poor, if he have a good heart_ (a heart thus guided and informed) _he shall at all times rejoice in a chearful countenance; his mind shall tell him more than seven watch-men that sit above upon a tower on high_." --[A tower has no strength, quoth my uncle _Toby_, unless 'tis flank'd.]-- "In the darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than a thousand casuists, and give the state he lives in, a better security for his behaviour than all the causes and restrictions put together which law-makers are forced to multiply: --_Forced_, I say, as things stand; human laws not being a matter of original choice, but of pure necessity, brought in to fence against the mischievous effects of those consciences which are no law unto themselves; well intending, by the many provisions made, --that in all such corrupt and misguided cases, where principles and the checks of conscience will not make us upright, --to supply their force, and, by the terrors of gaols and halters, oblige us to it."

'"So that if you would form a just judgment of the degree of merit in which you stand, - call in religion and morality. What is written in the law of God? Consult calm reason and the obligations of justice and truth; what say they?
'"Let Conscience determine the matter upon these reports; and then if thy heart condemns thee not, the rule will be infallible;"' [Here Dr. Slop fell asleep] - '"thou wilt have just grounds to believe that the judgment thou hast passed upon thyself, is the judgment of God; and an anticipation of that righteous sentence which will be pronounced upon thee hereafter, when thou art finally called to account.
'"Blessed is the man, indeed, then, as the author of Ecclesiasticus says, who is not pricked with the multitude of his sins. Blessed is the man whose heart hath not condemned him; whether he be rich, or poor, if he have a good heart, he shall rejoice; his mind shall tell him more than seven watch-men upon a tower on high."'
['A tower has no strength,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'unless 'tis flanked.']
'"In the darkest doubts it shall conduct him safer than all the restrictions of law-makers, forced out of pure necessity to guard against the mischievous effects of those consciences which are corrupt and misguided."'


[I see plainly, said my father, that this sermon has been composed to be preached at the Temple, ----or at some Assize. --I like the reasoning, --and am sorry that Dr. _Slop_ has fallen asleep before the time of his conviction: --for it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at first, never insulted St. _Paul_ in the least; --nor has there been, brother, the least difference between them. ----A great matter, if they had differed, replied my uncle _Toby_, --the best friends in the world may differ sometimes. ----True, --brother _Toby_, quoth my father, shaking hands with him, --we'll fill our pipes, brother, and then _Trim_ shall go on.
Well, ----what dost thou think of it? said my father speaking to Corporal _Trim_, as he reached his tobacco-box.

['I see plainly,' said my father, 'that this sermon has been composed to be preached at the law-courts. I like the reasoning, and am sorry that Dr. Slop has fallen asleep: for it is now clear, that the Parson, as I thought at first, never insulted St. Paul in the least; nor has there been the least difference between them.'
'The best friends in the world may differ sometimes,' replied my uncle Toby.
'True, brother Toby,' quoth my father, shaking hands with him. 'We'll fill our pipes, and then Trim shall go on. What dost thou think of it, Trim?'


I think, answered the Corporal, that the seven watch-men upon the tower, who, I suppose, are all centinels there, --are more, an' please your Honour, than were necessary; --and, to go on at that rate, would harrass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer, who loves his men, will never do, if he can help it, because two centinels, added the Corporal, are as good as twenty. --I have been a commanding officer myself in the _Corps de Garde_ a hundred times, continued _Trim_, rising an inch higher in his figure, as he spoke, --and all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty King _William_, in relieving the most considerable posts, I never left more than two in my life. ----Very right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --but you do not consider, _Trim_, that the towers, in _Solomon's_ days, were not such things as our bastions, flanked and defended by other works; --this, _Trim_, was an invention since _Solomon's_ death; nor had they horn-works, or ravelins before the curtin, in his time; ----or such a foss as we make with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with covered ways and counterscarps pallisadoed along it, to guard against a _Coup de main_: --So that the seven men upon the tower were a party, I dare say, from the _Corps de Garde_, set there, not only to look out, but to defend it. --They could be no more, an' please your Honour, than a Corporal's Guard. --My father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly; --the subject being rather too serious, considering what had happened, to make a jest of. --So putting his pipe into his mouth, which he had just lighted, --he contented himself with ordering _Trim_ to read on. He read on as follows:]
"To have the fear of God before our eyes, and, in our mutual dealings with each other, to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right and wrong: ----The first of these will comprehend the duties of religion; --the second, those of morality, which are so inseparably connected together, that you cannot divide these two _tables_, even in imagination (tho' the attempt is often made in practice) without breaking and mutually destroying them both.
"I said the attempt is often made; and so it is; ----there being nothing more common than to see a man who has no sense at all of religion, and indeed has so much honesty as to pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront, should you but hint at a suspicion of his moral character, ----or imagine he was not conscientiously just and scrupulous to the uttermost mite.
"When there is some appearance that it is so, --tho' one is unwilling even to suspect the appearance of so amiable a virtue as moral honesty, yet were we to look into the grounds of it, in the present case, I am persuaded we should find little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.

'I think,' answered the Corporal, 'that the seven watch-men upon the tower, who, I suppose, are sentinels, are more than necessary; and to go on at that rate, would harass a regiment all to pieces, which a commanding officer will never do. Two sentinels are as good as twenty. - I have been a commanding officer myself,' continued Trim, rising an inch higher, 'and all the time I had the honour to serve his Majesty King William, I never left more than two sentinels in my life.'
'Very right, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'but the towers in Solomon's days were not like our bastions; nor had they hornworks, or ravelins before the curtin, in his time; or such a foss as we make with a cuvette in the middle, and counterscarps pallisadoed along it. The seven men upon the tower were set there, I daresay, not only to look out, but to defend it.'
My father smiled inwardly, but not outwardly; the subject being rather too serious to make a jest of. Putting his pipe into his mouth, he ordered Trim to read on.]
'"To have the fear of God before our eyes, and to govern our actions by the eternal measures of right and wrong: the first of these will follow the duties of religion; the second, those of morality, which are so inseparably connected together that you cannot divide them (though the attempt is often made) without breaking them both.
'"I said the attempt is often made; and so it is; - there being nothing more common than a man who has no sense of religion, and indeed has enough honesty to pretend to none, who would take it as the bitterest affront should you hint at a suspicion of his moral character, or imagine he was not completely just and scrupulous.
'"There is little reason to envy such a one the honour of his motive.


"Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses upon the subject, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation than either his interest, his pride, his ease, or some such little and changeable passion as will give us but small dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.
"I will illustrate this by an example.
"I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call in" --[There is no need, cried Dr. _Slop_ (waking), to call in any physician in this case]---- "to be neither of them men of much religion: I hear them make a jest of it every day, and treat all its sanctions with so much scorn, as to put the matter past doubt. Well; --notwithstanding this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one: --and what is dearer still to me, I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.
"Now let me examine what is my reason for this great confidence. Why, in the first place, I believe there is no probability that either of them will employ the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage; --I consider that honesty serves the purposes of this life: --I know their success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters. --In a word, I'm persuaded that they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.

Let him declaim as pompously as he chooses, it will be found to rest upon no better foundation than his interest, his pride, his ease, or some other such changeable passion as gives us little dependence upon his actions in matters of great distress.
'"I will illustrate this by an example.
'"I know the banker I deal with, or the physician I usually call in-"'
['There is no need,' cried Dr. Slop, waking, 'to call in any physician in this case.']
'"- to be neither of them men of religion: I hear them make a scornful jest of it every day. Despite this, I put my fortune into the hands of the one, and I trust my life to the honest skill of the other.
'"Now let me examine my reason for this great confidence. Firstly, I do not believe that either of them will use the power I put into their hands to my disadvantage; I know their success in the world depends upon the fairness of their characters. In a word, they cannot hurt me without hurting themselves more.


"But put it otherwise, namely, that interest lay, for once, on the other side; that a case should happen, wherein the one, without stain to his reputation, could secrete my fortune, and leave me naked in the world; --or that the other could send me out of it, and enjoy an estate by my death, without dishonour to himself or his art: --In this case, what hold have I of either of them? --Religion, the strongest of all motives, is out of the question; --Interest, the next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against me: ------What have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation? ------Alas! I have nothing, ----nothing but what is lighter than a bubble ------I must lie at the mercy of HONOUR, or some such capricious principle --Strait security for two of the most valuable blessings! --my property and myself.
"As, therefore, we can have no dependence upon morality without religion; --so, on the other hand, there is nothing better to be expected from religion without morality; nevertheless, 'tis no prodigy to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion of himself in the light of a religious man.
"He shall not only be covetous, revengeful, implacable, --but even wanting in points of common honesty; yet inasmuch as he talks aloud against the infidelity of the age, ----is zealous for some points of religion, ----goes twice a day to church, --attends the sacraments, --and amuses himself with a few instrumental parts of religion, --shall cheat his conscience into a judgment, that, for this, he is a religious man, and has discharged truly his duty to God: And you will find such a man, through force of this delusion, generally looks down with spiritual pride upon every other man who has less affectation of piety, --though, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.
"_This likewise is a sore evil under the sun_; and I believe, there is no one mistaken principle, which, for its time, has wrought more serious mischiefs. ------For a general proof of this, --examine the history of the _Romish_ church;" --[Well, what can you make of that? cried Dr. _Slop_]-- "see what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed," ----[They may thank their own obstinacy, cried Dr. _Slop_]---- "have all been sanctified by a religion not strictly governed by morality.

'"But if interest lay, for once, on the other side; if the one, without stain to his reputation, could take my fortune, or the other could enjoy an estate by my death, without dishonour to himself - in this case, what hold have I over either of them? Religion, the strongest of all motives, is out of the question; Interest, the next most powerful motive in the world, is strongly against me. What have I left to cast into the opposite scale to balance this temptation? Alas! I have nothing. I am at the mercy of Honour, or some such capricious principle - poor security for my property and my health!
'"As, therefore, we cannot depend upon morality without religion, so there is nothing better to be expected from religion without morality. Nevertheless, 'tis not uncommon to see a man whose real moral character stands very low, who yet entertains the highest notion of himself as a religious man.
'"He may be covetous, revengeful, implacable, and dishonest; yet he talks loudly against the infidelity of the age, goes twice a day to church, attends the sacraments, and cheats his conscience into thinking that he is a religious man, and has discharged truly his duty to God. You will find such a man generally looks down upon everyone who has less apparent piety, - though, perhaps, ten times more real honesty than himself.
'"I believe there is no one mistaken principle which has wrought more serious mischief. For a proof of this, examine the history of the Romish church; see what scenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, bloodshed-"'
['They may thank their own obstinacy,' cried Dr. Slop.]
'"- have all been sanctified by a religion not governed by morality.


"In how many kingdoms of the world" --[Here _Trim_ kept waving his right hand from the sermon to the extent of his arm, returning it backwards and forwards to the conclusion of the paragraph.]
"In how many kingdoms of the world has the crusading sword of this misguided saint-errant, spared neither age nor merit, or sex, or condition? --and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which set him loose from justice and humanity, he shewed none; mercilessly trampled upon both, --heard neither the cries of the unfortunate, nor pitied their distresses."

In how many countries has the crusading sword of this misguided saint-errant spared neither age nor merit? and, as he fought under the banners of a religion which freed him from justice and humanity, he showed none; mercilessly trampled upon the unfortunate, and pitied not their distress."


[I have been in many a battle, an' please your Honour, quoth _Trim_, sighing, but never in so melancholy a one as this, --I would not have drawn a tricker in it against these poor souls, ----to have been made a general officer. ----Why? what do you understand of the affair? said Dr. _Slop_, looking towards _Trim_, with something more of contempt than the Corporal's honest heart deserved. ----What do you know, friend, about this battle you talk of? --I know, replied _Trim_, that I never refused quarter in my life to any man who cried out for it; ----but to a woman or a child, continued _Trim_, before I would level my musket at them, I would lose my life a thousand times. ----Here's a crown for thee, _Trim_, to drink with _Obadiah_ to-night, quoth my uncle _Toby_, and I'll give _Obadiah_ another too. --God bless your Honour, replied _Trim_, ----I had rather these poor women and children had it. ----Thou art an honest fellow, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----My father nodded his head, as much as to say, --and so he is.----

['I have been in many a battle,' quoth Trim, sighing, 'but never in so melancholy a one as this.'
'Why? what do you understand of it?' said Dr. Slop, looking at Trim with something of contempt.
'I know,' replied Trim, 'that I never refused mercy to any man who begged for it; and rather than fire upon a child or woman, I would lose my life a thousand times.'
'Here's a crown for thee, Trim, to drink with Obadiah to-night,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'God bless your Honour,' replied Trim; 'I had rather those poor women and children had it.'
'Thou art an honest fellow,' quoth my uncle.
My father nodded.


But prithee, _Trim_, said my father, make an end, --for I see thou hast but a leaf or two left.
Corporal _Trim_ read on.]
"If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not sufficient, --consider at this instant, how the votaries of that religion are every day thinking to do service and honour to God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal to themselves.

'But prithee, Trim,' he said, 'make an end, for I see thou hast but a page or two left.'
Corporal Trim read on.]
'"If the testimony of past centuries in this matter is not enough, consider how the votaries of that religion are every day thinking to serve God, by actions which are a dishonour and scandal.


"To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of the Inquisition." --[God help my poor brother _Tom_.]-- "Behold _Religion_, with _Mercy_ and _Justice_ chained down under her feet, ----there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment. Hark! --hark! what a piteous groan!" --[Here _Trim's_ face turned as pale as ashes.]---- "See the melancholy wretch who uttered it" --[Here the tears began to trickle down.]---- "just brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent." --[D--n them all, quoth _Trim_, his colour returning into his face as red as blood.]

'"To be convinced of this, go with me for a moment into the prisons of the Inquisition." [God help my poor brother Tom.] "Behold Religion, with Mercy and Justice chained under her feet, there sitting ghastly upon a black tribunal, propped up with racks and instruments of torment. Hark! what a piteous groan!"' [Here Trim's face turned as pale as ashes.] '"See the melancholy wretch who uttered it-"' [Here the tears began to trickle down] '"-brought forth to undergo the anguish of a mock trial, and endure the utmost pains that a studied system of cruelty has been able to invent." ['D__n them all,' quoth Trim.]


-- "Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors, --his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement." ----[Oh! 'tis my brother, cried poor _Trim_ in a most passionate exclamation, dropping the sermon upon the ground, and clapping his hands together --I fear 'tis poor _Tom_. My father's and my uncle _Toby's_ heart yearned with sympathy for the poor fellow's distress; even _Slop_ himself acknowledged pity for him. ----Why, _Trim_, said my father, this is not a history, ----'tis a sermon thou art reading; prithee begin the sentence again.]---- "Behold this helpless victim delivered up to his tormentors, --his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.

'"Behold this helpless victim, his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement-"
['Oh! 'tis my brother,' cried poor Trim, dropping the sermon upon the ground. My father and my uncle, and even Slop himself, pitied the poor fellow's distress.
'Why, Trim,' said my father, 'this is not a history, 'tis a sermon: prithee begin the sentence again.']
'"Behold this helpless victim, his body so wasted with sorrow and confinement, you will see every nerve and muscle as it suffers.


"Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!" --[I would rather face a cannon, quoth _Trim_, stamping.]-- "See what convulsions it has thrown him into! ----Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched, --what exquisite tortures he endures by it!" --[I hope 'tis not in _Portugal_.]-- "'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!" [I would not read another line of it, quoth _Trim_, for all this _world_; --I fear, an' please your Honours, all this is in _Portugal_, where my poor brother _Tom_ is. I tell thee, _Trim_, again, quoth my father, 'tis not an historical account, --'tis a description.

'"Observe the last movement of that horrid engine!" ['I would rather face a cannon,' quoth Trim.] "See what convulsions it has thrown him into! Consider what exquisite tortures he endures! 'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! see how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips!"
['I would not read another line,' quoth Trim, 'for the world; I fear all this is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is.'
'I tell thee, Trim,' quoth my father, ''tis not a history.'


--'Tis only a description, honest man, quoth _Slop_, there's not a word of truth in it. ----That's another story, replied my father. --However, as _Trim_ reads it with so much concern, --'tis cruelty to force him to go on with it. --Give me hold of the sermon, _Trim_, --I'll finish it for thee, and thou may'st go. I must stay and hear it, too, replied _Trim_, if your Honour will allow me; --tho' I would not read it myself for a Colonel's pay. ------Poor _Trim!_ quoth my uncle _Toby_. My father went on.]--

'There's not a word of truth in it,' quoth Slop.
'That's another story,' replied my father. 'However, 'tis cruelty to force Trim to go on. Give me the sermon, Trim; I'll finish it, and thou may'st go.'
'I must stay and hear it,' replied Trim.
'Poor Trim!' quoth my uncle Toby.
My father went on.]


"----Consider the nature of the posture in which he now lies stretched, --what exquisite torture he endures by it! --'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips, --willing to take its leave, ----but not suffered to depart! --Behold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!" ----[Then, thank God, however, quoth _Trim_, they have not killed him.]-- "See him dragged out of it again to meet the flames, and the insults in his last agonies, which this principle, --this principle, that there can be religion without mercy, has prepared for him." ----[Then, thank God, ----he is dead, quoth _Trim_, --he is out of his pain, --and they have done their worst at him. --O Sirs! --Hold your peace, _Trim_, said my father, going on with the sermon, lest _Trim_ should incense Dr. _Slop_, --we shall never have done at this rate.]

'"- Consider what exquisite torture he endures! 'Tis all nature can bear! Good God! See how it keeps his weary soul hanging upon his trembling lips, not suffered to depart! Behold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell!"'
['Thank God,' quoth Trim, 'they have not killed him.']
'"See him dragged out of it again to meet the flames in his last agonies, which this principle - that there can be religion without mercy - has prepared for him."'
['Thank God, he is dead,' quoth Trim, 'he is out of his pain.'
'Hush, Trim,' said my father, lest Trim should incense Dr. Slop; 'we shall never have done at this rate.]


"The surest way to try the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace down the consequences such a notion has produced, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity; ----'tis the short and decisive rule which our Saviour hath left us, for these and such like cases, and it is worth a thousand arguments----_By their fruits ye shall know them._
"I will add no farther to the length of this sermon, than by two or three short and independent rules deducible from it.
"_First_, Whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions, which have got the better of his CREED. A bad life and a good belief are disagreeable and troublesome neighbours, and where they separate, depend upon it, 'tis for no other cause but quietness' sake.
"_Secondly_, When a man, thus represented, tells you in any particular instance, ----That such a thing goes against his conscience, ----always believe he means exactly the same thing, as when he tells you such a thing goes _against_ his stomach; --a present want of appetite being generally the true cause of both.
"In a word, --trust that man in nothing, who has not a CONSCIENCE in everything.
"And, in your own case, remember this plain distinction, a mistake in which has ruined thousands, --that your conscience is not a law: --No, God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine; ----not, like an _Asiatic_ Cadi, according to the ebbs and flows of his own passions, --but like a _British_ judge in this land of liberty and good sense, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written."
_FINIS_

'"The surest way to test the merit of any disputed notion is, to trace its consequences, and compare them with the spirit of Christianity; 'tis the rule which our Saviour hath left us, and it is worth a thousand arguments - By their fruits ye shall know them.
'"I will add no more, apart from two or three short rules deducible from this.
'"First, whenever a man talks loudly against religion, always suspect that it is not his reason, but his passions speaking. A bad life and a good belief are troublesome neighbours.
'"Secondly, when a man tells you that something goes against his conscience, believe he means exactly the same as when he tells you something goes against his stomach.
'"In a word, - trust that man in nothing, who has not a Conscience in everything.
'"And, in your own case, remember that your conscience is not a law. God and reason made the law, and have placed conscience within you to determine - not according to the ebbs and flows of passion, but like a judge, who makes no new law, but faithfully declares that law which he knows already written.
'"FINIS."


Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, _Trim_, quoth my father. --If he had spared his comments, replied Dr. _Slop_, ----he would have read it much better. I should have read it ten times better, Sir, answered _Trim_, but that my heart was so full. --That was the very reason, _Trim_, replied my father, which has made thee read the sermon as well as thou hast done; and if the clergy of our church, continued my father, addressing himself to Dr. _Slop_, would take part in what they deliver as deeply as this poor fellow has done, --as their compositions are fine; --[I deny it, quoth Dr. _Slop_]-- I maintain it, --that the eloquence of our pulpits, with such subjects to enflame it, would be a model for the whole world: ----But alas! continued my father, and I own it, Sir, with sorrow, that, like _French_ politicians in this respect, what they gain in the cabinet they lose in the field. ----'Twere a pity, quoth my uncle, that this should be lost. I like the sermon well, replied my father, ----'tis dramatick, --and there is something in that way of writing, when skilfully managed, which catches the attention. ----We preach much in that way with us, said Dr. _Slop_. --I know that very well, said my father, ----but in a tone and manner which disgusted Dr. _Slop_, full as much as his assent, simply, could have pleased him. ----But in this, added Dr. _Slop_, a little piqued, --our sermons have greatly the advantage, that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch or a patriarch's wife, or a martyr or a saint.

'Thou hast read the sermon extremely well, Trim,' quoth my father.
'If he had spared his comments,' replied Dr. Slop, 'he would have read it much better.'
'I should have read it ten times better, Sir,' answered Trim, 'but that my heart was so full.'
'That was the very reason, Trim,' replied my father, 'which made thee read the sermon so well; and if our clergy would feel as deeply as this poor fellow, the eloquence of our pulpits would be a model for the whole world. I like the sermon well, 'tis dramatic, and catches the attention.'
'We preach much in that way,' said Dr. Slop.
'I know that very well,' said my father, but in a tone which disgusted Dr. Slop.
'But our sermons have the advantage,' said Dr. Slop, a little piqued, 'in that we never introduce any character into them below a patriarch, a martyr or a saint.'


--There are some very bad characters in this, however, said my father, and I do not think the sermon a jot the worse for 'em. ----But pray, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --who's can this be? --How could it get into my _Stevinus?_ A man must be as great a conjurer as _Stevinus_, said my father, to resolve the second question: --The first, I think, is not so difficult; --for unless my judgment greatly deceives me, ----I know the author, for 'tis wrote, certainly, by the parson of the parish.
The similitude of the stile and manner of it, with those my father constantly had heard preached in his parish-church, was the ground of his conjecture, --proving it as strongly, as an argument _ priori_ could prove such a thing to a philosophic mind, That it was _Yorick's_ and no one's else: --It was proved to be so, _ posteriori_, the day after, when _Yorick_ sent a servant to my uncle _Toby's_ house to enquire after it.
It seems that _Yorick_, who was inquisitive after all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed _Stevinus_ of my uncle _Toby_, and had carelessly popped his sermon, as soon as he had made it, into the middle of _Stevinus_; and by an act of forgetfulness, to which he was ever subject, he had sent _Stevinus_ home, and his sermon to keep him company.
Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery of thee, a second time, dropped thro' an unsuspected fissure in thy master's pocket, down into a treacherous and a tattered lining, --trod deep into the dirt by the left hind-foot of his Rosinante inhumanly stepping upon thee as thou falledst; --buried ten days in the mire, ----raised up out of it by a beggar, --sold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk, ----transferred to his parson, ----lost for ever to thy own, the remainder of his days, ----nor restored to his restless MANES till this very moment, that I tell the world the story.
Can the reader believe, that this sermon of _Yorick's_ was preached at an assize, in the cathedral of _York_, before a thousand witnesses, ready to give oath of it, by a certain prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him when he had done, ----and within so short a space as two years and three months after _Yorick's_ death? --_Yorick_ indeed, was never better served in his life; ------but it was a little hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him after he was laid in his grave.
However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect charity with _Yorick_, --and, in conscious justice, printed but a few copies to give away; --and that I am told he could moreover have made as good a one himself, had he thought fit, --I declare I would not have published this anecdote to the world; ----nor do I publish it with an intent to hurt his character and advancement in the church; ----I leave that to others; --but I find myself impelled by two reasons, which I cannot withstand.

'There are some very bad characters in this,' said my father, 'but I do not think the sermon a jot worse for 'em.'
'But pray,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'whose can this be? How could it get into my Stevinus?'
'In answer to the first question, I know the author,' quoth my father; 'for 'tis the parson of the parish.'
The style of it matching those my father constantly heard preached in his parish-church, he guessed that it was Yorick's. - It was proved to be so the next day, when Yorick sent a servant to my uncle Toby's house to enquire after it.
It seems that Yorick had borrowed Stevinus, and had carelessly popped his sermon, which he had just written, into the middle of it; and forgetfully sent Stevinus home with his sermon to keep him company.
Ill-fated sermon! Thou wast lost, after this recovery, a second time, dropped through an unsuspected hole in thy master's pocket, down into a treacherous and tattered lining, - trod deep into the dirt by the hind-foot of his horse; buried ten days in the mire, - raised up out of it by a beggar - sold for a halfpenny to a parish-clerk, transferred to his parson, and lost for ever to thine owner; nor restored till this very moment that I tell the world the story.
Can the reader believe, that this sermon was preached in York cathedral before a thousand witnesses, by a certain prebendary of that church, and actually printed by him, only two years after Yorick's death?* Yorick indeed, was never better served in his life; but it was a little hard to plunder him after he was laid in his grave.
However, as the gentleman who did it was in perfect agreement with Yorick, and printed copies to give away; - I do not tell this anecdote to hurt his character and advancement in the church; but find myself impelled by two reasons.


The first is, That in doing justice, I may give rest to _Yorick's_ ghost; ----which--as the country-people, and some others, believe, ----_still walks_.
The second reason is, That, by laying open this story to the world, I gain an opportunity of informing it, --That in case the character of parson _Yorick_, and this sample of his sermons, is liked, ----there are now in the possession of the _Shandy_ family, as many as will make a handsome volume, at the world's service, ----and much good may they do it.

The first is, that I may give rest to Yorick's ghost; which the country-people believe still walks.
The second reason is, that by telling this story to the world, I can inform it that if this sample of Yorick's sermons is liked, there are many more such sermons in the possession of the Shandy family, enough to make a handsome volume, at the world's service.
* Abridger's note: The Prebendary of York being one Laurence Sterne, who preached the sermon there in 1750.


You see 'tis high time, said my father, addressing himself equally to my uncle _Toby_ and _Yorick_, to take this young creature out of these women's hands, and put him into those of a private governor. _Marcus Antoninus_ provided fourteen governors all at once to superintend his son _Commodus's_ education, --and in six weeks he cashiered five of them; --I know very well, continued my father, that _Commodus's_ mother was in love with a gladiator at the time of her conception, which accounts for a great many of _Commodus's_ cruelties when he became emperor; --but still I am of opinion, that those five whom _Antoninus_ dismissed, did _Commodus's_ temper, in that short time, more hurt than the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long.
Now as I consider the person who is to be about my son, as the mirror in which he is to view himself from morning to night, and by which he is to adjust his looks, his carriage, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart; --I would have one, _Yorick_, if possible, polished at all points, fit for my child to look into. ----This is very good sense, quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself.
----There is, continued my father, a certain mien and motion of the body and all its parts, both in acting and speaking, which argues a man _well within_; and I am not at all surprised that _Gregory_ of _Nazianzum_, upon observing the hasty and untoward gestures of _Julian_, should foretel he would one day become an apostate; ----or that St. _Ambrose_ should turn his _Amanuensis_ out of doors, because of an indecent motion of his head, which went backwards and forwards like a flail; ----or that _Democritus_ should conceive _Protagoras_ to be a scholar, from seeing him bind up a faggot, and thrusting, as he did it, the small twigs inwards. ----There are a thousand unnoticed openings, continued my father, which let a penetrating eye at once into a man's soul; and I maintain it, added he, that a man of sense does not lay down his hat in coming into a room, --or take it up in going out of it, but something escapes, which discovers him.
It is for these reasons, continued my father, that the governor I make choice of shall neither[6.3] lisp, or squint, or wink, or talk loud, or look fierce, or foolish; ----or bite his lips, or grind his teeth, or speak through his nose, or pick it, or blow it with his fingers.----
He shall neither walk fast, --or slow, or fold his arms, --for that is laziness; --or hang them down, --for that is folly; or hide them in his pocket, for that is nonsense.----
He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle, --or bite, or cut his nails, or hawk, or spit, or snift, or drum with his feet or fingers in company; ----nor (according to _Erasmus_) shall he speak to any one in making water, --nor shall he point to carrion or excrement. ----Now this is all nonsense again, quoth my uncle _Toby_ to himself.----

'You see 'tis high time,' said my father to my uncle Toby and Yorick, 'to take this young creature out of these women's hands, and put him into those of a private tutor. Marcus Antoninus had fourteen tutors at once to superintend his son Commodus's education, and in six weeks he dismissed five of them. I think that those five whom he dismissed did Commodus's temper, in that short time, more hurt than the other nine were able to rectify all their lives long.
'Now, when I consider the person who is to teach my son as the mirror in which my son will view himself from morning to night, and by which he is to adjust his looks, his demeanour, and perhaps the inmost sentiments of his heart; - I would like one, Yorick, polished at all points, fit for my child to look into.'
'This is very good sense,' quoth my uncle Toby to himself.
'There is,' continued my father, 'a certain mien and motion of the body, both in acting and speaking, which denotes a man is good within; and I am not surprised that Gregory of Nazianzum, upon observing the hasty gestures of Julian, should foretell he would one day become a heretic; or that St. Ambrose should turn his assistant out of doors, because of an indecent motion of his head, which went backwards and forwards like a flail. There are a thousand unnoticed openings which let a penetrating eye into a man's soul; and I maintain that a man does not so much as lay down his hat without revealing something of his nature.
'For these reasons, the tutor I choose shall neither lisp, squint, or wink, or talk loud, or look fierce, or foolish; - or bite his lips, or grind his teeth, or speak through his nose, or pick it, or blow it with his fingers.
'He shall neither walk fast, or slow, nor fold his arms, or hang them down, or hide them in his pocket.
'He shall neither strike, or pinch, or tickle; or bite, or cut his nails, or hawk, or spit, or sniff, or drum his feet or fingers in company; nor (according to Erasmus) shall he speak to any one in urinating, nor point to carrion or excrement.'
'Now this is all nonsense again,' quoth my uncle Toby to himself.


I will have him, continued my father, chearful, facet, jovial; at the same time, prudent, attentive to business, vigilant, acute, argute, inventive, quick in resolving doubts and speculative questions; ----he shall be wise, and judicious, and learned: ----And why not humble, and moderate, and gentle-tempered, and good? said _Yorick_: ----And why not, cried my uncle _Toby_, free, and generous, and bountiful, and brave? ----He shall, my dear _Toby_, replied my father, getting up and shaking him by the hand. --Then, brother _Shandy_, answered my uncle _Toby_, raising himself off the chair, and laying down his pipe to take hold of my father's other hand, --I humbly beg I may recommend poor _Le Fever's_ son to you; ----a tear of joy of the first water sparkled in my uncle _Toby's_ eye, and another, the fellow to it, in the corporal's, as the proposition was made; ----you will see why when you read _Le Fever's_ story: ----fool that I was! nor can I recollect (nor perhaps you) without turning back to the place, what it was that hindered me from letting the corporal tell it in his own words; --but the occasion is lost, --I must tell it now in my own.
[Footnote 6.3: Vid. _Pellegrina_.]

'I will have him,' continued my father, 'cheerful and jovial; at the same time, prudent, vigilant, acute, inventive, quick in resolving doubts; - he shall be wise, judicious, and learned.'
'And why not humble, and moderate, and gentle-tempered and good?' said Yorick.
'And why not,' cried my uncle Toby, 'generous, and bountiful, and brave?'
'He shall be, my dear Toby,' replied my father, getting up to shake his hand.
'Then, brother Shandy,' answered my uncle, 'I humbly beg to recommend poor Le Fever's son to you.' A tear of joy sparkled in my uncle Toby's eye, and another in the corporal's, as the proposition was made - you will see why when you read Le Fever's story. - Fool that I am! I cannot recollect what it was that hindered me from letting the corporal tell it in his own words; but I must tell it now in my own.


The sun looked bright the morning after, to every eye in the village but _Le Fever's_ and his afflicted son's; the hand of death press'd heavy upon his eye-lids, ----and hardly could the wheel at the cistern turn round its circle, --when my uncle _Toby_, who had rose up an hour before his wonted time, entered the lieutenant's room, and without preface or apology, sat himself down upon the chair by the bed-side, and, independently of all modes and customs, opened the curtain in the manner an old friend and brother officer would have done it, and asked him how he did, --how he had rested in the night, --what was his complaint, --where was his pain, --and what he could do to help him: ----and without giving him time to answer any one of the enquiries, went on, and told him of the little plan which he had been concerting with the corporal the night before for him.----
----You shall go home directly, _Le Fever_, said my uncle _Toby_, to my house, --and we'll send for a doctor to see what's the matter, --and we'll have an apothecary, --and the corporal shall be your nurse; ----and I'll be your servant, _Le Fever_.
There was a frankness in my uncle _Toby_, --not the _effect_ of familiarity, --but the _cause_ of it, --which let you at once into his soul, and shewed you the goodness of his nature; to this, there was something in his looks, and voice, and manner, superadded, which eternally beckoned to the unfortunate to come and take shelter under him; so that before my uncle _Toby_ had half finished the kind offers he was making to the father, had the son insensibly pressed up close to his knees, and had taken hold of the breast of his coat, and was pulling it towards him. ----The blood and spirits of _Le Fever_, which were waxing cold and slow within him, and were retreating to their last citadel, the heart--rallied back, --the film forsook his eyes for a moment, --he looked up wishfully in my uncle _Toby's_ face, --then cast a look upon his boy, ----and that _ligament_, fine as it was, --was never broken.------
Nature instantly ebb'd again, --the film returned to its place, ----the pulse fluttered----stopp'd----went on----throbb'd----stopp'd again----moved----stopp'd----shall I go on? ----No.

The sun looked bright the morning after, to every eye in the village but Le Fever's; the hand of death pressed heavy upon his eye-lids. My uncle Toby entered the lieutenant's room, and without preface or apology sat down upon the chair by the bed-side, opened the curtain in the manner of an old friend and brother officer, and asked him how he did, - how he had rested, - where was his pain, - what he could do to help him: and without giving him time to answer any of the enquiries, went on, and told him of the little plan which he had made.
'You shall go to my house, Le Fever,' said my uncle Toby, 'and we'll send for a doctor, and an apothecary; and the corporal shall be your nurse - and I'll be your servant, Le Fever.'
There was a frankness in my uncle Toby - not the effect of familiarity, but the cause of it - which let you at once into his soul, and showed you the goodness of his nature. Additionally, there was something in his looks, and voice, and manner, which beckoned to the unfortunate to come and take shelter under him; so that before my uncle Toby had half finished his kind offers to the father, the son had pressed up close to him, and had taken hold of his coat.
The blood and spirits of Le Fever, which were growing cold and slow within him, and were retreating to their last citadel, the heart, rallied back. The film left his eyes for a moment: he looked up wishfully in my uncle Toby's face, then at his boy; and that look was never broken.
Nature instantly ebbed again, - the film returned - the pulse fluttered - stopped - went on - stopped again - moved - stopped - shall I go on? No.

Book 6 - Chapter 10: THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED


Tho' my father was a good natural philosopher, --yet he was something of a moral philosopher too; for which reason, when his tobacco-pipe snapp'd short in the middle, --he had nothing to do, as such, but to have taken hold of the two pieces, and thrown them gently upon the back of the fire. ----He did no such thing; ----he threw them with all the violence in the world; --and, to give the action still more emphasis, --he started upon both his legs to do it.
This looked something like heat; --and the manner of his reply to what my uncle _Toby_ was saying, proved it was so.

When my father's tobacco-pipe snapped in the middle, he stood up and threw the pieces violently into the fire.


--"Not choose," quoth my father, (repeating my uncle _Toby's_ words) "to let a man come so near her!" ----By Heaven, brother _Toby!_ you would try the patience of _Job_; --and I think I have the plagues of one already without it. ----Why? ----Where? ----Wherein? ----Wherefore? ----Upon what account? replied my uncle _Toby_, in the utmost astonishment. --To think, said my father, of a man living to your age, brother, and knowing so little about women! ----I know nothing at all about them, --replied my uncle _Toby_: And I think, continued he, that the shock I received the year after the demolition of _Dunkirk_, in my affair with widow _Wadman_; --which shock you know I should not have received, but from my total ignorance of the sex, --has given me just cause to say, That I neither know nor do pretend to know anything about 'em or their concerns either.

'Not choose,' quoth he, (repeating my uncle Toby's words) 'to let a man come so near her! - By Heaven, brother Toby! you would try the patience of Job.'
'Why?' replied my uncle in astonishment.
'To think,' said my father, 'of a man living to your age, and knowing so little about women!'
'I know nothing at all about them,' replied my uncle Toby. 'And I think that the shock I received the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in my affair with widow Wadman - which shock you know was caused by my total ignorance of the sex - makes me say, that I do not pretend to know anything about 'em or their concerns.'


--Methinks, brother, replied my father, you might, at least, know so much as the right end of a woman from the wrong.
It is said in _Aristotle's_ _Master Piece_, "That when a man doth think of anything which is past, ----he looketh down upon the ground; ----but that when he thinketh of something that is to come, he looketh up towards the heavens."
My uncle _Toby_, I suppose, thought of neither, for he look'd horizontally. --Right end! quoth my uncle _Toby_, muttering the two words low to himself, and fixing his two eyes insensibly as he muttered them, upon a small crevice, formed by a bad joint in the chimney-piece ----Right end of a woman! ----I declare, quoth my uncle, I know no more which it is than the man in the moon; ----and if I was to think, continued my uncle _Toby_ (keeping his eye still fixed upon the bad joint) this month together, I am sure I should not be able to find it out.
Then, brother _Toby_, replied my father, I will tell you.

'Methinks, brother,' replied my father, 'you might, at least, know the right end of a woman from the wrong.'
Aristotle says that when a man thinks of anything which is past, he looks down upon the ground; but when he thinks of something that is to come, he looks up.
My uncle Toby, I suppose, thought of neither, for he looked horizontally.
'Right end of a woman!' quoth he, muttering low, and fixing his eyes upon a crevice in the chimney-piece - 'I declare, I know no more which it is than the man in the moon.'
'Then, brother Toby,' replied my father, 'I will tell you.


Everything in this world, continued my father (filling a fresh pipe)--every thing in this world, my dear brother _Toby_, has two handles. ----Not always, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----At least, replied my father, everyone has two hands, ----which comes to the same thing. ----Now, if a man was to sit down coolly, and consider within himself the make, the shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience of all the parts which constitute the whole of that animal, called Woman, and compare them analogically ----I never understood rightly the meaning of that word, --quoth my uncle _Toby_.--
ANALOGY, replied my father, is the certain relation and agreement which different ----Here a devil of a rap at the door snapped my father's definition (like his tobacco-pipe) in two, --and, at the same time, crushed the head of as notable and curious a dissertation as ever was engendered in the womb of speculation; --it was some months before my father could get an opportunity to be safely delivered of it: --And, at this hour, it is a thing full as problematical as the subject of the dissertation itself, --(considering the confusion and distresses of our domestick misadventures, which are now coming thick one upon the back of another) whether I shall be able to find a place for it in the third volume or not.

Everything in this world, my dear brother, has two handles.'
'Not always.'
'Everyone has two hands,' replied my father, - 'which comes to the same thing. Now, if a man was to sit down coolly, and consider the shape, the construction, come-at-ability, and convenience of all the parts which constitute a Woman, and compare them analogically-'
'I never understood the meaning of that word,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'-Analogy,' replied my father, 'is the certain relation which different-'
Here a loud rap at the door snapped my father's definition (like his tobacco-pipe) in two, and, at the same time, crushed the head of a notable dissertation; - it was some months before my father could complete it. And it is problematical (considering the confusion of our domestic misadventures, now coming thick and fast) whether or not I shall be able to find a place for it in my third volume.


When we have got to the end of this chapter (but not before) we must all turn back to the two blank chapters, on the account of which my honour has lain bleeding this half hour ----I stop it, by pulling off one of my yellow slippers and throwing it with all my violence to the opposite side of my room, with a declaration at the heel of it----
----That whatever resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which are written in the world, or for aught I know may be now writing in it--that it was as casual as the foam of _Zeuxis_ his horse; besides, I look upon a chapter which has _only nothing in it_, with respect; and considering what worse things there are in the world ----That it is no way a proper subject for satire------
----Why then was it left so? And here without staying for my reply, shall I be called as many blockheads, numsculs, doddypoles, dunderheads, ninny-hammers, goosecaps, joltheads, nincompoops, and sh- -t-a-beds---- and other unsavoury appellations, as ever the cake-bakers of _Lern_ cast in the teeth of King _Garangantan's_ shepherds ----And I'll let them do it, as _Bridget_ said, as much as they please; for how was it possible they should foresee the necessity I was under of writing the 25th chapter of my book, before the 18th, &c.?
------So I don't take it amiss ----All I wish is, that it may be a lesson to the world, "_to let people tell their stories their own way_."

When we have got to the end of this chapter (but not before) we must turn back to the two blank chapters, on the account of which my honour has lain bleeding this half hour. - I stop it by pulling off one of my yellow slippers and throwing it violently across my room, with a declaration at the heel of it-
- That any resemblance it may bear to half the chapters which are written in the world is of no consequence; besides, I look upon a chapter which has nothing in it, with respect. Considering what worse things there are in the world, it is no way a proper subject for satire-
- Why then was it left so? And without waiting for my reply, shall I be called blockhead, numbskull, doddypole, dunderhead, ninny-hammer, nincompoop, sh_t-a-bed, and as many other unsavoury names as ever the cake-bakers of Lern called King Garangantan's shepherds - and I'll let them do it, as Bridget said, as much as they please; for how could they foresee that I needed to write the 25th chapter of my book before the 18th?
So I don't take it amiss. I merely wish that it may be a lesson to the world, 'to let people tell their stories their own way.'


There was not any one scene more entertaining in our family--and to do it justice in this point; ----and I here put off my cap and lay it upon the table close beside my ink-horn, on purpose to make my declaration to the world concerning this one article the more solemn----that I believe in my soul (unless my love and partiality to my understanding blinds me) the hand of the supreme Maker and first Designer of all things never made or put a family together (in that period at least of it which I have sat down to write the story of)----where the characters of it were cast or contrasted with so dramatick a felicity as ours was, for this end; or in which the capacities of affording such exquisite scenes, and the powers of shifting them perpetually from morning to night, were lodged and intrusted with so unlimited a confidence, as in the SHANDY FAMILY.
Not any one of these was more diverting, I say, in this whimsical theatre of ours----than what frequently arose out of this self-same chapter of long noses------especially when my father's imagination was heated with the enquiry, and nothing would serve him but to heat my uncle _Toby's_ too.
My uncle _Toby_ would give my father all possible fair play in this attempt; and with infinite patience would sit smoaking his pipe for whole hours together, whilst my father was practising upon his head, and trying every accessible avenue to drive _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus's_ solutions into it.
Whether they were above my uncle _Toby's_ reason------or contrary to it------or that his brain was like _damp_ timber, and no spark could possibly take hold----or that it was so full of saps, mines, blinds, curtins, and such military disqualifications to his seeing clearly into _Prignitz_ and _Scroderus's_ doctrines ----I say not--let schoolmen--scullions, anatomists, and engineers, fight for it among themselves----
'Twas some misfortune, I make no doubt, in this affair, that my father had every word of it to translate for the benefit of my uncle _Toby_, and render out of _Slawkenbergius's_ _Latin_, of which, as he was no great master, his translation was not always of the purest----and generally least so where 'twas most wanted. --This naturally open'd a door to a second misfortune; ----that in the warmer paroxysms of his zeal to open my uncle _Toby's_ eyes------my father's ideas ran on as much faster than the translation, as the translation outmoved my uncle _Toby's_------ neither the one or the other added much to the perspicuity of my father's lecture.

There was no scene more entertaining in our family - and I believe the supreme Maker never put a family together whose characters were contrasted with so dramatic a felicity as ours; or which afforded such exquisite scenes, as in the Shandy Family.
None of these was more diverting, I say, in this whimsical theatre of ours - than what frequently arose out of this chapter of long noses - especially when my father's imagination was heated with the enquiry, and nothing would serve him but to heat my uncle Toby's too.
My uncle Toby, with infinite patience, would sit smoking his pipe for hours, whilst my father was trying every way to drive Prignitz and Scroderus into his head.
Whether they were above my uncle Toby's reason - or whether his brain was like damp timber, where no spark could possibly take hold - or that it was so full of saps, mines, curtins, and such military obstacles, I say not.
'Twas unfortunate, no doubt, that my father had to translate every word for my uncle's benefit; and as my father was no great master of Latin, his translation of Slawkenbergius was not always of the purest. This naturally opened a door to a second misfortune; that in his zeal to persuade my uncle Toby, my father's ideas ran on as much faster than the translation, as the translation outran my uncle Toby: which added little to the clarity of my father's lecture.


Every day for at least ten years together did my father resolve to have it mended--'tis not mended yet; --no family but ours would have borne with it an hour----and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as upon that of door-hinges. ----And yet at the same time, he was certainly one of the greatest bubbles to them, I think, that history can produce: his rhetorick and conduct were at perpetual handy-cuffs. --Never did the parlour-door open--but his philosophy or his principles fell a victim to it; ----three drops of oil with a feather, and a smart stroke of a hammer, had saved his honour for ever.
----Inconsistent soul that man is! ----languishing under wounds, which he has the power to heal! --his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge! --his reason, that precious gift of God to him--(instead of pouring in oil) serving but to sharpen his sensibilities--to multiply his pains, and render him more melancholy and uneasy under them --Poor unhappy creature, that he should do so! ----Are not the necessary causes of misery in this life enow, but he must add voluntary ones to his stock of sorrow; --struggle against evils which cannot be avoided, and submit to others, which a tenth part of the trouble they create him would remove from his heart for ever?
By all that is good and virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of _Shandy Hall_------the parlour door hinge shall be mended this reign.

Every day for at least ten years my father resolved to have it mended - 'tis not mended yet; no other family would have borne with it an hour - and what is most astonishing, there was not a subject in the world upon which my father was so eloquent, as that of door-hinges. And yet his speech and actions were at perpetual handy-cuffs. Never did the parlour-door open, without his philosophy felling victim to it; yet three drops of oil, and a smart stroke of a hammer, would have solved it for ever.
Inconsistent soul that man is! languishing under wounds which he has the power to heal! - his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge! Poor unhappy creature! Are there not enough causes of misery in this life? Yet he adds more; he struggles against evils which cannot be avoided, and submits to others, which a tiny effort would remove.
By all that is virtuous, if there are three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be found within ten miles of Shandy Hall - the parlour door hinge shall be mended in this reign.


Did ever man, brother _Toby_, cried my father, raising himself upon his elbow, and turning himself round to the opposite side of the bed, where my uncle _Toby_ was sitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin resting upon his crutch----did ever a poor unfortunate man, brother _Toby_, cried my father, receive so many lashes? ----The most I ever saw given, quoth my uncle _Toby_ (ringing the bell at the bed's head for _Trim_) was to a grenadier, I think in _Mackay's_ regiment.
------Had my uncle _Toby_ shot a bullet through my father's heart, he could not have fallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly.
Bless me! said my uncle _Toby_.

'Did ever man, brother Toby,' cried my father, raising himself upon his elbow, and turning to face my uncle, who was sitting in his old fringed chair, with his chin resting upon his crutch - 'did ever a poor unfortunate man receive so many lashes?'
'The most I ever saw given,' quoth my uncle Toby (ringing the bell for Trim) 'was to a grenadier, I think in Mackay's regiment.'
Had my uncle Toby shot a bullet through my father's heart, he could not have fallen down with his nose upon the quilt more suddenly.
'Bless me!' said my uncle Toby.