But this is not the moral of my story: The thing I had in view was to shew the temper of the world in the whole of this affair. --For you must know, that so long as this explanation would have done the parson credit, --the devil a soul could find it out, --I suppose his enemies would not, and that his friends could not. ----But no sooner did he bestir himself in behalf of the midwife, and pay the expences of the ordinary's licence to set her up, --but the whole secret came out; every horse he had lost, and two horses more than ever he had lost, with all the circumstances of their destruction, were known and distinctly remembered. --The story ran like wild-fire-- "The parson had a returning fit of pride which had just seized him; and he was going to be well mounted once again in his life; and if it was so, 'twas plain as the sun at noon-day, he would pocket the expence of the licence, ten times told, the very first year: --So that every body was left to judge what were his views in this act of charity."

But this is not the moral of my story. I wished to show the nature of the world in this affair. For so long as this explanation would have done the parson credit, nobody could find it out. But no sooner did he bestir himself on behalf of the midwife, and pay the expenses of her licence, than the whole secret came out; every horse he had lost was distinctly remembered.
The story ran like wild-fire - 'The parson had been seized by a fit of pride, and he was going to be well mounted once again; and he would pocket the expense of the licence ten times over, the very first year.'


What were his views in this, and in every other action of his life, --or rather what were the opinions which floated in the brains of other people concerning it, was a thought which too much floated in his own, and too often broke in upon his rest, when he should have been sound asleep.

The opinions of other people concerning this often disturbed his rest.


About ten years ago this gentleman had the good fortune to be made entirely easy upon that score, --it being just so long since he left his parish, --and the whole world at the same time behind him, --and stands accountable to a Judge of whom he will have no cause to complain.

But about ten years ago this gentleman had the good fortune to be made entirely easy upon that score, and stands accountable to a Judge of whom he will have no cause to complain.


But there is a fatality attends the actions of some men: Order them as they will, they pass thro' a certain medium, which so twists and refracts them from their true directions----that, with all the titles to praise which a rectitude of heart can give, the doers of them are nevertheless forced to live and die without it.

There is a fatality attends the actions of some men: order them as they will, they become twisted from their true directions.


Of the truth of which, this gentleman was a painful example. ----But to know by what means this came to pass, --and to make that knowledge of use to you, I insist upon it that you read the two following chapters, which contain such a sketch of his life and conversation, as will carry its moral along with it. --When this is done, if nothing stops us in our way, we will go on with the midwife.

Of this, the parson was a painful example.
But to know how this came to pass, I insist that you read the two following chapters, which contain such a sketch of his life and conversation as will prove its moral. - When this is done, if nothing stops us in our way, we will go on with the midwife.


Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter, and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary, that upon this page and the three following, a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted to keep up that just balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold together a single year: nor is it a poor creeping digression (which but for the name of, a man might continue as well going on in the king's highway) which will do the business----no; if it is to be a digression, it must be a good frisky one, and upon a frisky subject too, where neither the horse or his rider are to be caught, but by rebound.

Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter, and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary that upon this page and the next three, a good quantity of assorted matter should be inserted to keep up that balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold together: nor will a poor creeping digression do the business - no; it must be a good frisky one, and upon a frisky subject too.


The only difficulty, is raising powers suitable to the nature of the service: FANCY is capricious --WIT must not be searched for--and PLEASANTRY (good-natured slut as she is) will not come in at a call, was an empire to be laid at her feet.

The only difficulty is raising powers suitable to the nature of the service: Fancy is capricious - Wit should be spontaneous - and Pleasantry (good-natured slut though she is) will not come at a call, even if an empire were laid at her feet.


----The best way for a man is to say his prayers----

- The best way is for a man to say his prayers-


Only if it puts him in mind of his infirmities and defects as well ghostly as bodily--for that purpose, he will find himself rather worse after he has said them than before--for other purposes, better.

Only, if it reminds him of his infirmities and defects, he will find himself rather worse after he has said them than before.


For my own part, there is not a way either moral or mechanical under heaven that I could think of, which I have not taken with myself in this case: sometimes by addressing myself directly to the soul herself, and arguing the point over and over again with her upon the extent of her own faculties----

For my own part, there is not a way either moral or mechanical under heaven that I could think of, which I have not taken in his case: sometimes addressing myself directly to the soul, and


----I never could make them an inch the wider----


Then by changing my system, and trying what could be made of it upon the body, by temperance, soberness, and chastity: These are good, quoth I, in themselves--they are good, absolutely; --they are good, relatively; --they are good for health--they are good for happiness in this world--they are good for happiness in the next----

 then by trying what could be made of it upon the body, by temperance, soberness, and chastity.
'These are good,' quoth I, 'for health - for happiness in this world - and for happiness in the next-'


In short, they were good for everything but the thing wanted; and there they were good for nothing, but to leave the soul just as heaven made it: as for the theological virtues of faith and hope, they give it courage; but then that snivelling virtue of Meekness (as my father would always call it) takes it quite away again, so you are exactly where you started.

In short, they were good for everything but the thing wanted; and there they were good for nothing, but to leave the soul just as heaven made it. As for the virtues of faith and hope, they give it courage; but then that snivelling virtue Meekness (as my father would always call it) takes it quite away again, so you are exactly where you started.


Now in all common and ordinary cases, there is nothing which I have found to answer so well as this----

Now in all ordinary cases, there is nothing which I have found to inspire the author's wit and fancy so well as this-


----Certainly, if there is any dependence upon Logic, and that I am not blinded by self-love, there must be something of true genius about me, merely upon this symptom of it, that I do not know what envy is: for never do I hit upon any invention or device which tendeth to the furtherance of good writing, but I instantly make it public; willing that all mankind should write as well as myself.

- Certainly, if I am not blinded by self-love, there must be something of true genius about me, because I do not know what envy is: for never do I hit upon any invention for the furtherance of good writing, without instantly making it public; wishing that all mankind should write as well as myself.


----Which they certainly will, when they think as little.

- Which they certainly will, when they think as little.


My father took a single turn across the room, then sat down, and finished the chapter.

My father took a turn across the room, sat down, and finished the chapter.


The verbs auxiliary we are concerned in here, continued my father, are, _am_; _was_; _have_; _had_; _do_; _did_; _make_; _made_; _suffer_; _shall_; _should_; _will_; _would_; _can_; _could_; _owe_; _ought_; _used_; or _is wont_. --And these varied with tenses, _present_, _past_, _future_, and conjugated with the verb _see_, --or with these questions added to them; --_Is it?_ _Was it?_ _Will it be?_ _Would it be?_ _May it be?_ _Might it be?_ And these again put negatively, _Is it not?_ _Was it not?_ _Ought it not?_ --Or affirmatively, --_It is_; _It was_; _It ought to be_. Or chronologically, --_Has it been always?_ _Lately?_ _How long ago?_ --Or hypothetically, --_If it was?_ _If it was not?_ What would follow? ----If the _French_ should beat the _English?_ If the _Sun_ go out of the _Zodiac?_

'The auxiliary verbs we are concerned in here,' he continued, 'are, am; was; have; had; do; did; make; made; shall; should; will; would; can; could; owe; ought; used; or is wont. And these varied with tenses, present, past, or future, or with these questions added to them - Is it? Was it? Will it be? Would it be? May it be? Might it be? And these again put negatively: Is it not? Was it not? Or chronologically - Has it been always? Lately? How long ago? Or hypothetically: If it was? If it was not? - if the French should beat the English? If the Sun should go out of the Zodiac?


Now, by the right use and application of these, continued my father, in which a child's memory should be exercised, there is no one idea can enter his brain, how barren soever, but a magazine of conceptions and conclusions may be drawn forth from it. ----Didst thou ever see a white bear? cried my father, turning his head round to _Trim_, who stood at the back of his chair: --No, an' please your honour, replied the corporal. ----But thou couldst discourse about one, _Trim_, said my father, in case of need? --How is it possible, brother, quoth my uncle _Toby_, if the corporal never saw one? ----'Tis the fact I want, replied my father, --and the possibility of it is as follows.

'Now, by the right use of these,' continued my father, 'no idea can enter a child's brain, without a crowd of ideas being drawn forth from it. - Didst thou ever see a white bear?' he cried, turning to Trim.
'No, your honour,' replied the corporal.
'But thou couldst talk about one, Trim,' said my father, 'if needed?
'How is it possible, brother,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'if the corporal never saw one?'
'That is the fact I want,' replied my father. 'The possibility of it is as follows.


A WHITE BEAR! Very well. Have I ever seen one? Might I ever have seen one? Am I ever to see one? Ought I ever to have seen one? Or can I ever see one?

'A White Bear! Very well. Have I ever seen one? Might I ever have seen one? Am I ever to see one? Ought I ever to have seen one? Or can I ever see one?


Would I had seen a white bear! (for how can I imagine it?)


'If I should see a white bear, what would I say? If I should never see a white bear, what then?


If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear alive; have I ever seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one painted? --described? Have I never dreamed of one?

'If I never have, can, must, or shall see a white bear alive; have I ever seen the skin of one? Did I ever see one painted? - described? Have I never dreamed of one?


Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters, ever see a white bear? What would they give? How would they behave? How would the white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough? Smooth?

'Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers or sisters, ever see a white bear? What would they give? How would they behave?
'How would the white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? Terrible? Rough? Smooth?


She cannot, quoth my uncle _Toby_, halting, when they had march'd up to within twenty paces of Mrs. _Wadman's_ door--she cannot, corporal, take it amiss.----

'She cannot,' quoth my uncle Toby, halting twenty paces from Mrs. Wadman's door - 'she cannot take it amiss.'


----She will take it, an' please your honour, said the corporal, just as the _Jew's_ widow at _Lisbon_ took it of my brother _Tom_.----

'She will take it, your honour,' said the corporal, 'just as the Jew's widow at Lisbon took it from my brother Tom.'


----And how was that? quoth my uncle _Toby_, facing quite about to the corporal.

'And how was that?' quoth my uncle Toby, turning round to face him.


Your honour, replied the corporal, knows of _Tom's_ misfortunes; but this affair has nothing to do with them any further than this, That if _Tom_ had not married the widow----or had it pleased God after their marriage, that they had but put pork into their sausages, the honest soul had never been taken out of his warm bed, and dragg'd to the inquisition----'Tis a cursed place--added the corporal, shaking his head, --when once a poor creature is in, he is in, an' please your honour, for ever.

'Your honour,' replied the corporal, 'knows of Tom's misfortunes; if he had not married the widow - or if they had only put pork into their sausages - the honest soul would never have been taken out of his warm bed, and dragged to the inquisition. 'Tis a cursed place; when once a poor creature is in, he is in for ever.'


'Tis very true; said my uncle _Toby_, looking gravely at Mrs. _Wadman's_ house, as he spoke.

''Tis very true,' said my uncle Toby, looking gravely at Mrs. Wadman's house as he spoke.


Nothing, continued the corporal, can be so sad as confinement for life--or so sweet, an' please your honour, as liberty.

'Nothing,' continued the corporal, 'can be so sad as confinement for life - or so sweet as liberty.'


Nothing, _Trim_----said my uncle _Toby_, musing----


Whilst a man is free, --cried the corporal, giving a flourish with his stick thus----

'Whilst a man is free -' cried the corporal, giving a flourish with his stick thus:


A thousand of my father's most subtle syllogisms could not have said more for celibacy.


My uncle _Toby_ look'd earnestly towards his cottage and his bowling-green.

My uncle Toby looked earnestly towards his cottage and his bowling-green.


The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with his wand; and he had nothing to do, but to conjure him down again with his story, and in this form of Exorcism, most un-ecclesiastically did the corporal do it.

The corporal had unwarily conjured up the Spirit of calculation with his wand; so he then began to conjure him down again with his story.


When the cataplasm was ready, a scruple of _decorum_ had unseasonably rose up in _Susannah's_ conscience about holding the candle, whilst _Slop_ tied it on; _Slop_ had not treated _Susannah's_ distemper with anodynes, --and so a quarrel had ensued betwixt them.

When Dr Slop's cataplasm, or poultice, was ready, an untimely scruple of decorum made Susannah refuse to hold the candle, whilst Slop put the cataplasm on. Slop had not given Susannah any pain relief for her distemper, and so a quarrel had strung up betwixt them.


----Oh! oh! ----said _Slop_, casting a glance of undue freedom in _Susannah's_ face, as she declined the office; ----then, I think I know you, madam ----You know me, Sir! cried _Susannah_ fastidiously, and with a toss of her head, levelled evidently, not at his profession, but at the doctor himself, ----you know me! cried _Susannah_ again. ----Doctor _Slop_ clapped his finger and his thumb instantly upon his nostrils; ----_Susannah's_ spleen was ready to burst at it; ----'Tis false, said _Susannah_. --Come, come, Mrs. Modesty, said _Slop_, not a little elated with the success of his last thrust, ----If you won't hold the candle, and look--you may hold it and shut your eyes: --That's one of your popish shifts, cried _Susannah_: --'Tis better, said _Slop_, with a nod, than no shift at all, young woman; ----I defy you, Sir, cried _Susannah_, pulling her shift sleeve below her elbow.

'Oh!' said Slop, casting a glance at Susannah; 'then, I think I know you, madam.'
'You know me, Sir!' cried Susannah fastidiously, with a toss of her head.
Doctor Slop clapped his finger and his thumb instantly upon his nostrils.
Susannah was ready to burst with anger. ''Tis false,' she said.
'Come, come, Mrs. Modesty,' said Slop, somewhat elated with his success, 'if you won't hold the candle and look - hold it and shut your eyes.'
'That's one of your popish shifts,' cried Susannah.
''Tis better,' said Slop, 'than no shift at all, young woman.'
'I defy you, Sir,' cried Susannah, pulling her shift sleeve into sight below her elbow.


It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a surgical case with a more splenetic cordiality.

It was almost impossible for two persons to assist each other in a surgical case with more bad-tempered cordiality.


_Slop_ snatched up the cataplasm, ----_Susannah_ snatched up the candle; ----a little this way, said _Slop_; _Susannah_ looking one way, and rowing another, instantly set fire to _Slop's_ wig, which being somewhat bushy and unctuous withal, was burnt out before it was well kindled. ------You impudent whore! cried _Slop_, --(for what is passion, but a wild beast?)--you impudent whore, cried _Slop_, getting upright, with the cataplasm in his hand; ----I never was the destruction of anybody's nose, said _Susannah_, --which is more than you can say: ----Is it? cried _Slop_, throwing the cataplasm in her face; ----Yes, it is, cried _Susannah_, returning the compliment with what was left in the pan.

Slop snatched up the cataplasm; Susannah snatched up the candle.
'This way,' said Slop. Susannah, looking one way, and moving another, instantly set fire to Slop's wig, which being somewhat bushy and greasy, burnt out before it was well kindled.
'You impudent whore!' cried Slop, straightening up with the cataplasm in his hand.
'I never destroyed anybody's nose,' said Susannah, 'which is more than you can say!'
'Is it?' cried Slop, throwing the cataplasm in her face.
'Yes, it is,' cried Susannah, returning the compliment with what was left in the pan.


All womankind, continued _Trim_, (commenting upon his story) from the highest to the lowest, an' please your honour, love jokes; the difficulty is to know how they chuse to have them cut; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.----

'All womankind,' continued Trim, 'from the highest to the lowest, love jokes; the difficulty is to know what sort; and there is no knowing that, but by trying, as we do with our artillery in the field, by raising or letting down their breeches, till we hit the mark.'


----I like the comparison, said my uncle _Toby_, better than the thing itself----

'I like the comparison,' said my uncle Toby, 'better than the thing itself.'


----Because your honour, quoth the corporal, loves glory, more than pleasure.

'Because your honour,' quoth the corporal, 'loves glory more than pleasure.'


I hope, _Trim_, answered my uncle _Toby_, I love mankind more than either; and as the knowledge of arms tends so apparently to the good and quiet of the world----and particularly that branch of it which we have practised together in our bowling-green, has no object but to shorten the strides of AMBITION, and intrench the lives and fortunes of the _few_, from the plunderings of the _many_----whenever that drum beats in our ears, I trust, corporal, we shall neither of us want so much humanity and fellow-feeling, as to face about and march.

'I hope, Trim,' answered my uncle, 'I love mankind more than either; and as the knowledge of arms tends to the good and quiet of the world - particularly that branch of it which we have practised together on our bowling-green - and keeps the lives of the few, from the plunderings of the many - whenever that drum beats, I trust, corporal, we shall neither of us lack the humanity and fellow-feeling to face about and march.'


In pronouncing this, my uncle _Toby_ faced about, and march'd firmly as at the head of his company----and the faithful corporal, shouldering his stick, and striking his hand upon his coat-skirt as he took his first step----march'd close behind him down the avenue.

In pronouncing this, my uncle Toby turned around, and marched firmly as if at the head of his company - and the faithful corporal, shouldering his stick, marched close behind him down the avenue.


----Now what can their two noddles be about? cried my father to my mother----by all that's strange, they are besieging Mrs. _Wadman_ in form, and are marching round her house to mark out the lines of circumvallation.

'Now what can their two noddles be about?' cried my father to my mother; 'by all that's strange, they are besieging Mrs. Wadman, and are marching round her house to mark out the surrounding lines.'


I dare say, quoth my mother ------------But stop, dear Sir----for what my mother dared to say upon the occasion----and what my father did say upon it----with her replies and his rejoinders, shall be read, perused, paraphrased, commented, and descanted upon--or to say it all in a word, shall be thumb'd over by Posterity in a chapter apart ----I say, by Posterity--and care not, if I repeat the word again--for what has this book done more than the Legation of _Moses_, or the Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them?

'I dare say-' quoth my mother-
- But stop, dear Sir - for what my mother dared to say upon the occasion - and what my father did say, with her replies, shall be read, perused, commented on, and in short, thumbed over by Posterity in a separate chapter. - I say, by Posterity - for what has this book done more than the Legation of Moses, or the Tale of a Tub, that it may not swim down the gutter of Time along with them?


I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every letter I trace tells me with what rapidity Life follows my pen; the days and hours of it, more precious, my dear _Jenny!_ than the rubies about thy neck, are flying over our heads like light clouds of a windy day, never to return more----everything presses on----whilst thou art twisting that lock, ----see! it grows grey; and every time I kiss thy hand to bid adieu, and every absence which follows it, are preludes to that eternal separation which we are shortly to make.----

I will not argue the matter: Time wastes too fast: every letter I write tells me how rapidly Life follows my pen; the days of it, more precious, my dear Jenny! than the rubies about thy neck, are flying over our heads like light clouds on a windy day, never to return - everything presses on - whilst thou art twisting that lock of hair, see! it grows grey; and every adieu, and every absence which follows it, are preludes to that eternal separation which we are shortly to make.


When my uncle _Toby_ got his map of _Namur_ to his mind, he began immediately to apply himself, and with the utmost diligence, to the study of it; for nothing being of more importance to him than his recovery, and his recovery depending, as you have read, upon the passions and affections of his mind, it behoved him to take the nicest care to make himself so far master of his subject, as to be able to talk upon it without emotion.

When my uncle Toby got his map of Namur, he began immediately to study it diligently; for since his recovery depended upon the passions of his mind, he needed to make himself master of his subject, so as to be able to talk of it without emotion.


In a fortnight's close and painful application, which, by the bye, did my uncle _Toby's_ wound, upon his groin, no good, --he was enabled, by the help of some marginal documents at the feet of the elephant, together with _Gobesius's_ military architecture and pyroballogy, translated from the _Flemish_, to form his discourse with passable perspicuity; and before he was two full months gone, --he was right eloquent upon it, and could make not only the attack of the advanced counterscarp with great order; ----but having, by that time, gone much deeper into the art, than what his first motive made necessary, my uncle _Toby_ was able to cross the _Maes_ and _Sambre_; make diversions as far as _Vauban's_ line, the abbey of _Salsines_, etc., and give his visitors as distinct a history of each of their attacks, as of that of the gate of _St. Nicolas_, where he had the honour to receive his wound.

In a fortnight's close application, which, by the bye, did my uncle Toby's wound upon his groin no good, - he was able, with the help of Gobesius's military architecture and pyroballogy, translated from the Flemish, to form his discourse with passable clarity; and after two months, he was right eloquent upon it, and could not only attack the advanced counterscarp, but was able to cross the Maes and Sambre, make diversions as far as Vauban's line, and give his visitors as distinct a history of these attacks, as of that of the gate of St. Nicolas, where he had received his wound.


But desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases ever with the acquisition of it. The more my uncle _Toby_ pored over his map, the more he took a liking to it! --by the same process and electrical assimilation, as I told you, through which I ween the souls of connoisseurs themselves, by long friction and incumbition, have the happiness, at length, to get all be-virtu'd--be-pictured, --be-butterflied, and befiddled.

But desire of knowledge, like the thirst of riches, increases with the acquisition of it. The more my uncle Toby pored over his map, the more he took a liking to it!


The more my uncle _Toby_ drank of this sweet fountain of science, the greater was the heat and impatience of his thirst, so that before the first year of his confinement had well gone round, there was scarce a fortified town in _Italy_ or _Flanders_, of which, by one means or other, he had not procured a plan, reading over as he got them, and carefully collating therewith the histories of their sieges, their demolitions, their improvements, and new works, all which he would read with that intense application and delight, that he would forget himself, his wound, his confinement, his dinner.

The more he drank of this sweet fountain of science, the greater was his thirst, so that before the first year of his confinement had ended, there was scarce a fortified town in Italy or Flanders of which he had not procured a plan, carefully collecting the histories of their sieges, their demolitions, and their improvements, which he would read with such intense delight that he would forget himself, his wound, his confinement and his dinner.


In the second year my uncle _Toby_ purchased _Ramelli_ and _Cataneo_, translated from the _Italian_; --likewise _Stevinus_, _Moralis_, the Chevalier _de Ville_, _Lorini_, _Cochorn_, _Sheeter_, the Count _de Pagan_, the Marshal _Vauban_, Mons. _Blondel_, with almost as many more books of military architecture, as Don _Quixote_ was found to have of chivalry, when the curate and barber invaded his library.

In the second year my uncle Toby purchased Ramelli and Cataneo, translated from the Italian; Stevinus, Moralis, the Chevalier de Ville, Lorini, Cochorn, Sheeter, the Count de Pagan, the Marshal Vauban, and Monsignor Blondel, with almost as many books of military architecture as Don Quixote had of chivalry in his library.


Towards the beginning of the third year, which was in _August_, ninety-nine, my uncle _Toby_ found it necessary to understand a little of projectiles: --and having judged it best to draw his knowledge from the fountain-head, he began with _N. Tartaglia_, who it seems was the first man who detected the imposition of a cannon-ball's doing all that mischief under the notion of a right line --This _N. Tartaglia_ proved to my uncle _Toby_ to be an impossible thing.

Towards the beginning of the third year, in 1699, my uncle Toby found it necessary to understand a little of projectiles. He began with Tartaglia, the first man who detected that a cannon-ball could not do its mischief along a right line. - This Tartaglia proved to be impossible.


No sooner was my uncle _Toby_ satisfied which road the cannon-ball did not go, but he was insensibly led on, and resolved in his mind to enquire and find out which road the ball did go: For which purpose he was obliged to set off afresh with old _Maltus_, and studied him devoutly. --He proceeded next to _Galileo_ and _Torricellius_, wherein, by certain Geometrical rules, infallibly laid down, he found the precise part to be a PARABOLA--or else an HYPERBOLA, --and that the parameter, or _latus rectum_, of the conic section of the said path, was to the quantity and amplitude in a direct _ratio_, as the whole line to the sine of double the angle of incidence, formed by the breech upon an horizontal plane; --and that the semiparameter, ----stop! my dear uncle _Toby_----stop! --go not one foot farther into this thorny and bewildered track, --intricate are the steps! intricate are the mazes of this labyrinth! intricate are the troubles which the pursuit of this bewitching phantom KNOWLEDGE will bring upon thee. --O my uncle; --fly--fly, fly from it as from a serpent. ----Is it fit----good-natured man! thou should'st sit up, with the wound upon thy groin, whole nights baking thy blood with hectic watchings? ----Alas! 'twill exasperate thy symptoms, --check thy perspirations--evaporate thy spirits--waste thy animal strength, --dry up thy radical moisture, bring thee into a costive habit of body, ----impair thy health, ----and hasten all the infirmities of thy old age. ----O my uncle! my uncle _Toby_.

No sooner was my uncle Toby satisfied which road the cannon-ball did not go, but he resolved to find out which road the ball did go. For this purpose he was obliged to set off afresh with old Maltus, and studied him devoutly. Next came Galileo and Torricellius, wherein, by certain Geometrical rules, he found the precise part to be a Parabola - or else an Hyperbola - and that the parameter of the conic section of the said path was to the quantity and amplitude in a direct ratio as the whole line to the sine of double the angle of incidence formed by the breech upon an horizontal plane; and that the semiparameter-
Stop! my dear uncle Toby - stop! Go not one foot farther into this thorny and bewildered track! intricate are the mazes of this labyrinth! intricate are the troubles which the pursuit of this bewitching phantom Knowledge will bring upon thee. O my uncle - fly, fly from it as from a serpent.
Is it fit that thou should'st sit up, with the wound upon thy groin, whole nights baking thy blood with hectic watchings? Alas! 'twill exasperate thy symptoms - evaporate thy spirits - waste thy strength - impair thy health - and hasten all the infirmities of thy old age. - O my uncle! my uncle Toby.


If the reader has not a clear conception of the rood and the half of ground which lay at the bottom of my uncle _Toby's_ kitchen-garden, and which was the scene of so many of his delicious hours, --the fault is not in me, --but in his imagination; --for I am sure I gave him so minute a description, I was almost ashamed of it.

If the reader has not a clear idea of the quarter-acre of ground which lay at the bottom of my uncle Toby's kitchen-garden, and which was the scene of so many of his delicious hours - the fault is not in me, but in the reader's imagination; for I gave him a minute description.


When FATE was looking forwards one afternoon, into the great transactions of future times, --and recollected for what purposes this little plot, by a decree fast bound down in iron, had been destined, ---she gave a nod to NATURE, --'twas enough --Nature threw half a spade full of her kindliest compost upon it, with just so _much_ clay in it, as to retain the forms of angles and indentings, --and so _little_ of it too, as not to cling to the spade, and render works of so much glory, nasty in foul weather.

Nature blessed this plot with her kindliest compost, just enough to keep shape, but not so much as to cling to the spade, and render such glorious works nasty in foul weather.


My uncle _Toby_ came down, as the reader has been informed, with plans along with him, of almost every fortified town in _Italy_ and _Flanders_; so let the Duke of _Marlborough_, or the allies, have set down before what town they pleased, my uncle _Toby_ was prepared for them.

My uncle Toby came down, as the reader has been informed, with the plans of almost every fortified town in Italy and Flanders. The Duke of Marlborough, or the allies, might go where they pleased; my uncle Toby was prepared for them.


His way, which was the simplest one in the world, was this; as soon as ever a town was invested--(but sooner when the design was known) to take the plan of it (let it be what town it would), and enlarge it upon a scale to the exact size of his bowling-green; upon the surface of which, by means of a large role of packthread, and a number of small piquets driven into the ground, at the several angles and redans, he transferred the lines from his paper; then taking the profile of the place, with its works, to determine the depths and slopes of the ditches, --the talus of the glacis, and the precise height of the several banquets, parapets, &c. --he set the corporal to work----and sweetly went it on: ----The nature of the soil, --the nature of the work itself, --and above all, the good-nature of my uncle _Toby_ sitting by from morning to night, and chatting kindly with the corporal upon past-done deeds, --left LABOUR little else but the ceremony of the name.

He would take the plan of a town, and enlarge it upon a scale to the exact size of his bowling-green; upon the surface of which, by means of a large roll of thread, and many small pickets driven into the ground, he transferred the lines from his paper. Then, on deciding the depths and slopes of the ditches, the height of the parapets, &c., he set the corporal to work - and sweetly went it on.
The nature of the soil, the nature of the work itself, and above all, the good-nature of my uncle Toby sitting by from morning to night, and chatting kindly with the corporal upon past deeds, left Labour little else but the ceremony of the name.


When the place was finished in this manner, and put into a proper posture of defence, --it was invested, --and my uncle _Toby_ and the corporal began to run their first parallel. ----I beg I may not be interrupted in my story, by being told, _That the first parallel should be at least three hundred toises distant from the main body of the place, --and that I have not left a single inch for it_; ------for my uncle _Toby_ took the liberty of incroaching upon his kitchen-garden, for the sake of enlarging his works on the bowling-green, and for that reason generally ran his first and second parallels betwixt two rows of his cabbages and his cauliflowers; the conveniences and inconveniences of which will be considered at large in the history of my uncle _Toby's_ and the corporal's campaigns, of which, this I'm now writing is but a sketch, and will be finished, if I conjecture right, in three pages (but there is no guessing) ----The campaigns themselves will take up as many books; and therefore I apprehend it would be hanging too great a weight of one kind of matter in so flimsy a performance as this, to rhapsodize them, as I once intended, into the body of the work----surely they had better be printed apart, ----we'll consider the affair----so take the following sketch of them in the meantime.

When the place was finished in this manner, my uncle Toby and the corporal began to run their first parallel.
- I beg you not to interrupt by telling me 'That the first parallel should be at least six hundred yards distant - and that I have not left a single inch for it'; for my uncle Toby extended his works from the bowling-green onto his kitchen-garden, so that his first and second parallels ran betwixt two rows of cabbages and cauliflowers; the inconveniences of which will be considered in the history of my uncle Toby's campaigns, of which this is but a sketch, and will be finished in perhaps three pages (but there is no guessing).
- The campaigns themselves will take three books; and therefore had better be printed apart - but we'll take the following sketch of them in the meantime.


'Tis a point settled, --and I mention it for the comfort of _Confucius_,[5.2] who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain story--that provided he keeps along the line of his story, --he may go backwards and forwards as he will, --'tis still held to be no digression.

'Tis a settled thing that, provided an author keeps along the line of his story, he may go backwards and forwards as he wishes; 'tis not considered to be a digression.


This being premised, I take the benefit of the _act of going backwards_ myself.

Therefore I take the benefit of going backwards myself.


[Footnote 5.2: Mr. _Shandy_ is supposed to mean ******** *** Esq.; member for ******, ----and not the _Chinese_ Legislator.]


It was to my uncle _Toby's_ eternal honour, ----though I tell it only for the sake of those, who, when coop'd in betwixt a natural and a positive law, know not, for their souls, which way in the world to turn themselves ----That notwithstanding my uncle _Toby_ was warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of _Dendermond_, parallel with the allies, who pressed theirs on so vigorously, that they scarce allowed him time to get his dinner----that nevertheless he gave up _Dendermond_, though he had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp; --and bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and except that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be said to have turned the siege of _Dendermond_ into a blockade, --he left _Dendermond_ to itself--to be relieved or not by the _French_ king, as the _French_ king thought good; and only considered how he himself should relieve the poor lieutenant and his son.

It was to my uncle Toby's eternal honour, that although he was warmly engaged at that time in carrying on the siege of Dendermond, and had already made a lodgment upon the counterscarp, nevertheless he gave it up, and bent his whole thoughts towards the private distresses at the inn; and except that he ordered the garden gate to be bolted up, by which he might be said to have turned the siege into a blockade, he left Dendermond to itself; and only considered how to relieve the poor lieutenant and his son.

Book 6 - Chapter 8: THE STORY OF LE FEVER CONTINUED


----That kind BEING, who is a friend to the friendless, shall recompence thee for this.

That kind being, who is a friend to the friendless, shall recompense thee for this.


Thou hast left this matter short, said my uncle _Toby_ to the corporal, as he was putting him to bed, ----and I will tell thee in what, _Trim_. ----In the first place, when thou madest an offer of my services to _Le Fever_, ----as sickness and travelling are both expensive, and thou knowest he was but a poor lieutenant, with a son to subsist as well as himself out of his pay, --that thou didst not make an offer to him of my purse; because, had he stood in need, thou knowest, _Trim_, he had been as welcome to it as myself. ----Your honour knows, said the corporal, I had no orders; ----True, quoth my uncle _Toby_, --thou didst very right, _Trim_, as a soldier, --but certainly very wrong as a man.

As corporal Trim was putting him to bed, my uncle Toby said, 'I tell thee, Trim: when thou offered'st my services to Le Fever - as sickness and travelling are expensive for a poor lieutenant, with a son to support - thou shouldst have made an offer to him of my purse; he would have been welcome to it.'
'Your honour gave me no orders,' said the corporal.
'True,' quoth my uncle; 'thou didst very right, Trim, as a soldier, but very wrong as a man.


In the second place, for which, indeed, thou hast the same excuse, continued my uncle _Toby_, ----when thou offeredst him whatever was in my house, ----thou shouldst have offered him my house too: ----A sick brother officer should have the best quarters, _Trim_, and if we had him with us, --we could tend and look to him: ----Thou art an excellent nurse thyself, _Trim_, --and what with thy care of him, and the old woman's, and his boy's, and mine together, we might recruit him again at once, and set him upon his legs.------

And when thou offered'st him whatever was in my house, thou shouldst have offered him my house too. A sick brother officer should have the best quarters, Trim, and we could tend and look to him. Thou art an excellent nurse, Trim, and with thy care, and the old woman's, and his boy's, and mine together, we might set him upon his legs:


----In a fortnight or three weeks, added my uncle _Toby_, smiling, ----he might march. ----He will never march; an' please your honour, in this world, said the corporal: ----He will march; said my uncle _Toby_, rising up, from the side of the bed, with one shoe off: ----An' please your honour, said the corporal, he will never march but to his grave: ----He shall march, cried my uncle _Toby_, marching the foot which had a shoe on, though without advancing an inch, --he shall march to his regiment. ----He cannot stand it, said the corporal; ----He shall be supported, said my uncle _Toby_; ----He'll drop at last, said the corporal, and what will become of his boy? ----He shall not drop, said my uncle _Toby_, firmly. ----A-well-o'-day, --do what we can for him, said _Trim_, maintaining his point, --the poor soul will die: ----He shall not die, by G--, cried my uncle _Toby_.

 in a fortnight or three weeks, he might march.'
'He will never march, your honour, in this world,' said the corporal.
'He will march,' said my uncle Toby, rising up, with one shoe off.
'An' please your honour,' said the corporal, 'he will never march but to his grave.'
'He shall march,' cried my uncle Toby, marching the foot which had a shoe on, though without advancing an inch; 'he shall march to his regiment.'
'He cannot stand,' said the corporal.
'He shall be supported,' said my uncle Toby.
'He'll drop,' said the corporal, 'and what will become of his boy? do what we can for him, the poor soul will die.'
'He shall not die, by G__,' cried my uncle Toby.


--The ACCUSING SPIRIT, which flew up to heaven's chancery with the oath, blush'd as he gave it in; --and the RECORDING ANGEL, as he wrote it down, dropp'd a tear upon the word, and blotted it out for ever.

- The Accusing Spirit, which flew up to heaven with the oath, blushed as he gave it in; and the Recording Angel, as he wrote it down, dropped a tear upon the word, and blotted it out for ever.


Was it _Mackay's_ regiment, quoth my uncle _Toby_, where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully whipp'd at _Bruges_ about the ducats? --O Christ! he was innocent! cried _Trim_, with a deep sigh. --And he was whipp'd, may it please your honour, almost to death's door. --They had better have shot him outright, as he begg'd, and he had gone directly to heaven, for he was as innocent as your honour. ------I thank thee, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_. ----I never think of his, continued _Trim_, and my poor brother _Tom's_ misfortunes, for we were all three school-fellows, but I cry like a coward. ----Tears are no proof of cowardice, _Trim_. --I drop them oft-times myself, cried my uncle _Toby_. ----I know your honour does, replied _Trim_, and so am not ashamed of it myself. --But to think, may it please your honour, continued _Trim_, a tear stealing into the corner of his eye as he spoke--to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm in their bodies, and as honest as God could make them--the children of honest people, going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes in the world--and fall into such evils! --poor _Tom!_ to be tortured upon a rack for nothing--but marrying a Jew's widow who sold sausages--honest _Dick Johnson's_ soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put into his knapsack! --O! --these are misfortunes, cried _Trim_, --pulling out his handkerchief--these are misfortunes, may it please your honour, worth lying down and crying over.

'Was it Mackay's regiment,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'where the poor grenadier was so unmercifully whipped about the ducats?'
'O Christ! he was innocent!' cried Trim, with a deep sigh. 'And he was whipped, your honour, almost to death's door.'
'I thank thee, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'I never think of it,' continued Trim, 'and my poor brother Tom's misfortunes - for we were all school-fellows - without crying like a coward.'
'Tears are no proof of cowardice, Trim. I drop them often myself,' cried my uncle Toby.
'I know your honour does,' replied Trim, 'and so am not ashamed of it. - But to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as warm and honest as God could make them - going forth with gallant spirits to seek their fortunes - and falling into such evils! poor Tom! to be tortured upon a rack for nothing but marrying a Jew's widow who sold sausages - and honest Dick Johnson's soul to be scourged out of his body, for the ducats another man put into his knapsack! O! these are misfortunes, your honour, worth lying down and crying over.'


'Twould be a pity, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, thou shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy own--thou feelest it so tenderly for others. --Alack-o-day, replied the corporal, brightening up his face------your honour knows I have neither wife or child ----I can have no sorrows in this world. ----My father could not help smiling. --As few as any man, _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_; nor can I see how a fellow of thy light heart can suffer, but from the distress of poverty in thy old age--when thou art passed all services, _Trim_--and hast outlived thy friends. ----An' please your honour, never fear, replied _Trim_, chearily. ----But I would have thee never fear, _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_, and therefore, continued my uncle _Toby_, throwing down his crutch, and getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word _therefore_--in recompence, _Trim_, of thy long fidelity to me, and that goodness of thy heart I have had such proofs of--whilst thy master is worth a shilling----thou shalt never ask elsewhere, _Trim_, for a penny. _Trim_ attempted to thank my uncle _Toby_--but had not power----tears trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off --He laid his hands upon his breast----made a bow to the ground, and shut the door.

''Twould be a pity, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby, 'if thou shouldst ever feel sorrow of thy own - thou feelest it so tenderly for others.'
'Alack-o-day,' replied the corporal, brightening up, 'your honour knows I have neither wife or child - I can have no sorrows in this world.' My father could not help smiling.
'As few as any man, Trim,' replied my uncle Toby; 'yet thou couldst suffer from the distress of poverty in thy old age, when thou hast outlived thy friends.'
'Never fear, your honour,' replied Trim cheerily.
'But I would have thee never fear, Trim,' replied my uncle; 'and therefore' - standing up - 'therefore in recompense of thy long fidelity to me, and the goodness of thy heart - thou shalt never ask elsewhere, Trim, for a penny.'
Trim attempted to thank my uncle Toby - but tears trickled down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them off. He laid his hands upon his breast - made a bow, and shut the door.


----I have left _Trim_ my bowling-green, cried my uncle _Toby_. ----My father smiled. ------I have left him moreover a pension, continued my uncle _Toby_. ----My father looked grave.

'I have left Trim my bowling-green,' cried my uncle Toby. - My father smiled.
'I have left him moreover a pension,' continued my uncle Toby. - My father looked grave.


Whilst my uncle _Toby_ was whistling _Lillabullero_ to my father, --Dr. _Slop_ was stamping, and cursing and damning at _Obadiah_ at a most dreadful rate, ------it would have done your heart good, and cured you, Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him; I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.

Whilst my uncle Toby was whistling Lillabullero, Dr. Slop was stamping, and cursing Obadiah most dreadfully. - It would have cured you, Sir, for ever of the vile sin of swearing, to have heard him; I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.


When Dr. _Slop's_ maid delivered the green bays bag with her master's instruments in it, to _Obadiah_, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body: so undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen the strings for him, without any more ado, she helped him on with it. However, as this, in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest anything should bolt out in galloping back, at the speed _Obadiah_ threatened, they consulted to take it off again: and in the great care and caution of their hearts, they had taken the two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth of the bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which _Obadiah_, to make all safe, had twitched and drawn together with all the strength of his body.

When Dr. Slop's maid gave the green baize bag with her master's instruments in it to Obadiah, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body; and undoing the bow-knot, she helped him on with it. However, this loosened the mouth of the bag; so, lest anything should bolt out as Obadiah galloped back, they took it off again: and with great care and caution, they pursed up the mouth of the bag and tied the two strings with half a dozen hard knots, which Obadiah pulled together with all his strength.


This answered all that _Obadiah_ and the maid intended; but was no remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw. The instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much room to play in it, towards the bottom (the shape of the bag being conical) that _Obadiah_ could not make a trot of it, but with such a terrible jingle, what with the _tire tte_, _forceps_, and _squirt_, as would have been enough, had _Hymen_ been taking a jaunt that way, to have frightened him out of the country; but when _Obadiah_ accelerated his motion, and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coach-horse into a full gallop----by Heaven! Sir, the jingle was incredible.

This solved the problem as they intended; but caused some evils which neither had foreseen. Although the bag was tied tight at its neck, the instruments had so much room to move in at the bottom that Obadiah could not go at a trot without a terrible jingle; but when he sped up, and pricked his horse into a full gallop - by Heaven! Sir, the jingle was incredible.


As _Obadiah_ had a wife and three children----the turpitude of fornication, and the many other political ill consequences of this jingling, never once entered his brain, ----he had however his objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him, as it has oft-times done with the greatest patriots. ----"_The poor fellow, Sir, was not able to hear himself whistle._"

As the poor fellow said,- 'he was not able to hear himself whistle.'


The abbess of _Andoillets_, which, if you look into the large set of provincial maps now publishing at _Paris_, you will find situated amongst the hills which divide _Burgundy_ from _Savoy_, being in danger of an _Anchylosis_ or stiff joint (the _sinovia_ of her knee becoming hard by long matins), and having tried every remedy----first, prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations to all the saints in heaven promiscuously----then particularly to every saint who had ever had a stiff leg, before her----then touching it with all the reliques of the convent, principally with the thigh-bone of the man of _Lystra_, who had been impotent from his youth----then wrapping it up in her veil when she went to bed--then cross-wise her rosary--then bringing in to her aid the secular arm, and anointing it with oils and hot fat of animals----then treating it with emollient and resolving fomentations----then with poultices of marsh-mallows, mallows, bonus Henricus, white lillies and fenugreek--then taking the woods, I mean the smoak of 'em, holding her scapulary across her lap----then decoctions of wild chicory, water-cresses, chervil, sweet cecily and cochlearia----and nothing all this while answering, was prevailed on at last to try the hot baths of _Bourbon_----so having first obtain'd leave of the visitor-general to take care of her existence--she ordered all to be got ready for her journey: a novice of the convent of about seventeen, who had been troubled with a whitloe in her middle finger, by sticking it constantly into the abbess's cast poultices, &c. --had gained such an interest, that overlooking a sciatical old nun, who might have been set up for ever by the hot-baths of _Bourbon_, _Margarita_, the little novice, was elected as the companion of the journey.

The abbess of Andoillets, which is situated amongst the hills between Burgundy and Savoy, having a stiff knee joint, tried every remedy: first, prayers and thanksgiving; then invocations to all the saints in heaven promiscuously - then particularly to every saint who had ever had a stiff leg; then touching it with all the relics in the convent, principally the thigh-bone of the man of Lystra, who had been impotent from his youth - then wrapping it up in her veil or her rosary - then trying secular aids, anointing it with oils and fomentations - then with poultices of marsh-mallows, lilies and fenugreek - then decoctions of wild chicory, water-cresses, chervil and sweet Cecily.
When none of these worked, she decided to try the hot baths of Bourbon - so she ordered all to be got ready for her journey. A novice of about seventeen, Margarita, was elected as her companion.


An old calesh, belonging to the abbesse, lined with green frize, was ordered to be drawn out into the sun--the gardener of the convent being chosen muleteer--led out the two old mules, to clip the hair from the rump-ends of their tails, whilst a couple of lay-sisters were busied, the one in darning the lining, and the other in sewing on the shreads of yellow binding, which the teeth of time had unravelled----the under-gardener dress'd the muleteer's hat in hot wine-lees----and a taylor sat musically at it, in a shed over-against the convent, in assorting four dozen of bells for the harness, whistling to each bell, as he tied it on with a thong.----

An old carriage was ordered to be drawn out into the sun. The gardener of the convent, being chosen as muleteer, led out the two old mules, whilst a couple of lay-sisters were busy darning the carriage lining and sewing on the shreds of yellow binding, which the teeth of time had unravelled. A tailor sat musically in a shed, assorting four dozen bells for the harness, whistling to each bell as he tied it on.


----The carpenter and the smith of _Andoillets_ held a council of wheels; and by seven, the morning after, all look'd spruce, and was ready at the gate of the convent for the hot-baths of _Bourbon_--two rows of the unfortunate stood ready there an hour before.

- By seven the next morning, all looked spruce, and was ready at the convent gate.


The abbess of _Andoillets_, supported by _Margarita_ the novice, advanced slowly to the calesh, both clad in white, with their black rosaries hanging at their breasts----

The abbess of Andoillets, supported by Margarita the novice, advanced slowly to the carriage; both were clad in white, with their black rosaries hanging at their breasts.


----There was a simple solemnity in the contrast: they entered the calesh; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet emblem of innocence, each occupied a window, and as the abbess and _Margarita_ look'd up--each (the sciatical poor nun excepted)--each stream'd out the end of her veil in the air--then kiss'd the lilly hand which let it go: the good abbess and _Margarita_ laid their hands saint-wise upon their breasts--look'd up to heaven--then to them--and look'd "God bless you, dear sisters."

- They entered; and nuns in the same uniform, sweet emblem of innocence, looked in, each kissing the lily hand of the good abbess, who blessed them.


I declare I am interested in this story, and wish I had been there.


The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was a little, hearty, broad-set, good-natured, chattering, toping kind of a fellow, who troubled his head very little with the _hows_ and _whens_ of life; so had mortgaged a month of his conventical wages in a borrachio, or leathern cask of wine, which he had disposed behind the calesh, with a large russet-coloured riding-coat over it, to guard it from the sun; and as the weather was hot, and he not a niggard of his labours, walking ten times more than he rode--he found more occasions than those of nature, to fall back to the rear of his carriage; till by frequent coming and going, it had so happen'd, that all his wine had leak'd out at the _legal_ vent of the borrachio, before one half of the journey was finish'd.

The gardener, whom I shall now call the muleteer, was a little, hearty, good-natured, chattering, drinking fellow, who had mortgaged a month of his wages in a leather cask of wine, which he had put behind the carriage, with a large russet riding-coat over it, to guard it from the sun. As the weather was hot, and he was active, walking ten times more than he rode, he found many occasions to fall back to the rear of his carriage; till all his wine was gone before the journey was half finished.


Man is a creature born to habitudes. The day had been sultry--the evening was delicious--the wine was generous--the _Burgundian_ hill on which it grew was steep--a little tempting bush over the door of a cool cottage at the foot of it, hung vibrating in full harmony with the passions--a gentle air rustled distinctly through the leaves-- "Come--come, thirsty muleteer--come in."

Man is a creature of habit. The day had been sultry - the evening was delicious - the wine was generous - the Burgundian hill was steep - a little tempting bush over the door of an inn at the foot of it, rustled with a gentle air - 'Come, thirsty muleteer - come in.'


--The muleteer was a son of _Adam_; I need not say a word more. He gave the mules, each of 'em, a sound lash, and looking in the abbess's and _Margarita's_ faces (as he did it)--as much as to say "here I am"--he gave a second good crack--as much as to say to his mules, "get on"----so slinking behind, he enter'd the little inn at the foot of the hill.

- The muleteer gave the mules a sound lash, and looking in the abbess's and Margarita's faces as if to say 'here I am' he gave his mules a second good crack to get them moving, and slinking behind, he entered the inn.


The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow, who thought not of to-morrow, nor of what had gone before, or what was to follow it, provided he got but his scantling of Burgundy, and a little chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, as how he was chief gardener to the convent of _Andoillets_, &c. &c., and out of friendship for the abbess and Mademoiselle _Margarita_, who was only in her noviciate, he had come along with them from the confines of _Savoy_, &c. &c. --and as how she had got a white swelling by her devotions--and what a nation of herbs he had procured to mollify her humours, &c. &c., and that if the waters of _Bourbon_ did not mend that leg--she might as well be lame of both--&c. &c. &c. --He so contrived his story, as absolutely to forget the heroine of it--and with her the little novice, and what was a more ticklish point to be forgot than both--the two mules; who being creatures that take advantage of the world, inasmuch as their parents took it of them--and they not being in a condition to return the obligation _downwards_ (as men and women and beasts are)--they do it side-ways, and long-ways, and back-ways--and up hill, and down hill, and which way they can. ------Philosophers, with all their ethicks, have never considered this rightly--how should the poor muleteer, then in his cups, consider it at all? he did not in the least--'tis time we do; let us leave him then in the vortex of his element, the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men----and for a moment let us look after the mules, the abbess, and _Margarita_.

The muleteer, as I told you, was a little, joyous, chirping fellow. He thought not of tomorrow, provided he got his wine, and a little chit-chat along with it; so entering into a long conversation, about how he was chief gardener to the convent of Andoillets, &c. &c., and how she had got a white swelling by kneeling, and what herbs he had got for her, &c. &c., and that if the waters of Bourbon did not mend that leg, she might as well be lame, &c. &c.-
- In telling his story, he absolutely forgot about the heroine of it - as well as the little novice - and what was more important, the two mules; who are creatures that take advantage of the world, and would rather go sideways, longways, and backwards than forwards - and up hill, down hill, and which way they can.
The muleteer did not consider this. Let us leave him then, the happiest and most thoughtless of mortal men - and let us look for the mules, the abbess, and Margarita.


By virtue of the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had gone quietly on, following their own consciences up the hill, till they had conquer'd about one half of it; when the elder of them, a shrewd crafty old devil, at the turn of an angle, giving a side glance, and no muleteer behind them----

After the muleteer's two last strokes the mules had gone quietly on up the hill, till they had conquered about half of it; when the elder of them, a shrewd crafty old devil, glancing behind and seeing no muleteer-


By my fig! said she, swearing, I'll go no further ----And if I do, replied the other, they shall make a drum of my hide.----

'By my fig!' swore she, 'I'll go no further.'
'And if I do,' replied the other, 'they shall make a drum of my hide.'


And so with one consent they stopp'd thus----


There is nothing shews the character of my father and my uncle _Toby_, in a more entertaining light, than their different manner of deportment, under the same accident----for I call not love a misfortune, from a persuasion, that a man's heart is ever the better for it ----Great God! what must my uncle _Toby's_ have been, when 'twas all benignity without it.

There is nothing that shows the character of my father and my uncle Toby in a more entertaining light, than their different manner under the same accident of love. I do not call love a misfortune, but am persuaded that a man's heart is the better for it.
Great God! what must my uncle Toby's heart have been with love, when 'twas all benignity without it.


My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this passion, before he married----but from a little subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever it befell him, he would never submit to it like a christian; but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest Philippicks against the eye that ever man wrote----there is one in verse upon somebody's eye or other, that for two or three nights together, had put him by his rest; which in his first transport of resentment against it, he begins thus:

My father, as appears from many of his papers, was very subject to this passion before he married - but from a little subacid kind of drollish impatience in his nature, whenever love befell him, he would never submit to it, but would pish, and huff, and bounce, and kick, and play the Devil, and write the bitterest verses that ever man wrote. There is one verse upon somebody's eye that for two or three nights kept him from his rest; which begins thus:


"A Devil 'tis----and mischief such doth work As never yet did _Pagan_, _Jew_, or _Turk_."[8.5]

'A Devil 'tis - and mischief such doth work
As never yet did Pagan, Jew, or Turk.'


In short, during the whole paroxism, my father was all abuse and foul language, approaching rather towards malediction----only he did not do it with as much method as _Ernulphus_----he was too impetuous; nor with _Ernulphus's_ policy----for tho' my father, with the most intolerant spirit, would curse both this and that, and every thing under heaven, which was either aiding or abetting to his love----yet never concluded his chapter of curses upon it, without cursing himself in at the bargain, as one of the most egregious fools and coxcombs, he would say, that ever was let loose in the world.

In short, when in love, my father was all abuse and foul language, cursing this and that and everything under heaven which aided or abetted his love - yet he cursed himself into the bargain, as one of the most egregious fools that ever was let loose in the world.


My uncle _Toby_, on the contrary, took it like a lamb----sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance----in the sharpest exacerbations of his wound (like that on his groin) he never dropt one fretful or discontented word----he blamed neither heaven nor earth----or thought or spoke an injurious thing of any body, or any part of it; he sat solitary and pensive with his pipe----looking at his lame leg----then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! which mixing with the smoke, incommoded no one mortal.

My uncle Toby, on the contrary, took it like a lamb - sat still and let the poison work in his veins without resistance. In the sharpest pains of the wound (like that on his groin) he never dropped one fretful word - he blamed neither heaven nor earth, or spoke ill of any body. He sat solitary and pensive with his pipe - looking at his lame leg - then whiffing out a sentimental heigh ho! mixed with the smoke.


In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my father, that very morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood, which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor;[8.6] which said wood being in full view of my uncle _Toby's_ house, and of singular service to him in his description of the battle of _Wynnendale_--by trotting on too hastily to save it----upon an uneasy saddle----worse horse, &c. &c. . . it had so happened, that the serous part of the blood had got betwixt the two skins, in the nethermost part of my uncle _Toby_----the first shootings of which (as my uncle _Toby_ had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passion--till the blister breaking in the one case--and the other remaining--my uncle _Toby_ was presently convinced, that his wound was not a skin-deep wound----but that it had gone to his heart.

In truth he had mistook it at first; for having taken a ride with my father that morning, to save if possible a beautiful wood which the dean and chapter were hewing down to give to the poor; and which was in full view of my uncle Toby's house, and of singular service to him in his description of the battle of Wynnendale - by trotting on too hastily to save it, upon an uneasy saddle - it so happened, that a blister formed in the nethermost part of my uncle Toby - the first shootings of which (as he had no experience of love) he had taken for a part of the passion - till the blister breaking in the one case - and the other remaining - my uncle Toby was convinced that his wound was not skin-deep, but that it had gone to his heart.


[Footnote 8.5: This will be printed with my father's Life of _Socrates_, &c. &c.]


[Footnote 8.6: Mr. _Shandy_ must mean the poor _in spirit_; inasmuch as they divided the money amongst themselves.]


Though I was sensible I had said as many clever things to the commissary as came to six livres four sous, yet I was determined to note down the imposition amongst my remarks before I retired from the place; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my remarks--(which, by the bye, may be a caution to travellers to take a little more care of _their_ remarks for the future) "my remarks were _stolen_" ----Never did sorry traveller make such a pother and racket about his remarks as I did about mine, upon the occasion.

Though I was aware I had said only six livres' worth of clever things, yet I was determined to note them down before I left; so putting my hand into my coat-pocket for my journal of remarks - my remarks were stolen!


Heaven! earth! sea! fire! cried I, calling in everything to my aid but what I should ------My remarks are stolen! --what shall I do? ----Mr. Commissary! pray did I drop any remarks, as I stood besides you?------

'Heaven! earth! sea! fire!' cried I. 'My remarks are stolen! what shall I do? Pray, did I drop any remarks, as I stood beside you?'


You dropp'd a good many very singular ones; replied he ----Pugh! said I, those were but a few, not worth above six livres two sous--but these are a large parcel ----He shook his head ----Monsieur _Le Blanc!_ Madam _Le Blanc!_ did you see any papers of mine? --you maid of the house! run up stairs--_Franois!_ run up after her----

'You dropped a good many,' said he.
'Pugh!' said I, 'those were worth six livres - but these are a large parcel.'
He shook his head.
'Monsieur Le Blanc! did you see any papers of mine? Did your housemaid? Run upstairs, Franois!


--I must have my remarks----they were the best remarks, cried I, that ever were made--the wisest--the wittiest --What shall I do? --which way shall I turn myself?

I must have my remarks - they were the best that ever were made,' cried I, 'the wisest - the wittiest. - What shall I do?'


_Sancho Pana_, when he lost his ass's FURNITURE, did not exclaim more bitterly.

Sancho Panza, when he lost his ass's furniture, did not exclaim more bitterly.


When a man gives himself up to the government of a ruling passion, --or, in other words, when his HOBBY-HORSE grows headstrong, ----farewel cool reason and fair discretion!

When a man gives himself up to a ruling passion, - or, in other words, when his Hobby-Horse grows headstrong - farewell cool reason!


My uncle _Toby's_ wound was near well, and as soon as the surgeon recovered his surprize, and could get leave to say as much----he told him, 'twas just beginning to incarnate; and that if no fresh exfoliation happened, which there was no sign of, --it would be dried up in five or six weeks. The sound of as many Olympiads, twelve hours before, would have conveyed an idea of shorter duration to my uncle _Toby's_ mind. ----The succession of his ideas was now rapid, --he broiled with impatience to put his design in execution; ----and so, without consulting farther with any soul living, --which, by the bye, I think is right, when you are predetermined to take no one soul's advice, ----he privately ordered _Trim_, his man, to pack up a bundle of lint and dressings, and hire a chariot-and-four to be at the door exactly by twelve o'clock that day, when he knew my father would be upon 'Change. ----So leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeon's care of him, and a letter of tender thanks for his brother's--he packed up his maps, his books of fortification, his instruments, &c., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and _Trim_ on the other, ----my uncle _Toby_ embarked for _Shandy-Hall_.

My uncle Toby's wound was nearly well, and the surgeon told him that if no fresh exfoliation happened, it would be dried up in five or six weeks.
But my uncle Toby now broiled with impatience to carry out his plan; this seemed too long - and so, without consulting with anyone, which, by the bye, I think is right, if you are determined to take no one's advice, - he privately ordered Trim, his servant, to pack lint and dressings, and hire a carriage to be at the door by twelve o'clock that day. Leaving a banknote upon the table for the surgeon's care, and a letter of tender thanks for his brother's, he packed up his maps, his books of fortification, &c., and by the help of a crutch on one side, and Trim on the other, my uncle Toby embarked for Shandy-Hall.


The reason, or rather the rise of this sudden demigration was as follows:


The table in my uncle _Toby's_ room, and at which, the night before this change happened, he was sitting with his maps, &c., about him--being somewhat of the smallest, for that infinity of great and small instruments of knowledge which usually lay crowded upon it--he had the accident, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to throw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, with his sleeve he threw down his case of instruments and snuffers; --and as the dice took a run against him, in his endeavouring to catch the snuffers in falling, ----he thrust Monsieur _Blondel_ off the table, and Count _de Pagan_ o'top of him.

The night before this change happened, my uncle Toby was sitting at his table with his maps, &c., crowded about him; - in reaching for his tobacco-box, he accidentally threw down his compasses, and in stooping to take the compasses up, he knocked over his case of instruments; and in trying to catch the case, he thrust Monsieur Blondel's volume off the table, and Count de Pagan o'top of him.


'Twas to no purpose for a man, lame as my uncle _Toby_ was, to think of redressing these evils by himself, --he rung his bell for his man _Trim_; ------_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, prithee see what confusion I have here been making --I must have some better contrivance, _Trim_. ----Can'st not thou take my rule, and measure the length and breadth of this table, and then go and bespeak me one as big again? ----Yes, an' please your Honour, replied _Trim_, making a bow; but I hope your Honour will be soon well enough to get down to your country-seat, where, --as your Honour takes so much pleasure in fortification, we could manage this matter to a T.

My uncle Toby rung his bell for his man Trim.
'Trim,' quoth he, 'see what confusion I have been making - I must have a better table, Trim. Can'st thou order me one twice as big?'
'Yes, your Honour,' replied Trim; 'but I hope your Honour will be soon be well enough to get down to your country-seat, where we could manage this matter to a T.'


I must here inform you, that this servant of my uncle _Toby's_, who went by the name of _Trim_, had been a corporal in my uncle's own company, --his real name was _James Butler_, --but having got the nick-name of _Trim_ in the regiment, my uncle _Toby_, unless when he happened to be very angry with him, would never call him by any other name.

I must here inform you that this servant, who went by the name of Trim, had been a corporal in my uncle's company. His real name was James Butler, but having got the nick-name of Trim in the regiment, my uncle Toby, unless he happened to be very angry with him, would never call him by any other name.


The poor fellow had been disabled for the service, by a wound on his left knee by a musket-bullet, at the battle of _Landen_, which was two years before the affair of _Namur_; --and as the fellow was well-beloved in the regiment, and a handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle _Toby_ took him for his servant; and of an excellent use was he, attending my uncle _Toby_ in the camp and in his quarters as a valet, groom, barber, cook, sempster, and nurse; and indeed, from first to last, waited upon him and served him with great fidelity and affection.

The poor fellow had been disabled by a wound on his left knee with a musket-bullet, at the battle of Landen, two years before the siege of Namur; and as he was well-beloved in the regiment, and handy into the bargain, my uncle Toby took him for his servant; and of excellent use he was, as a valet, groom, barber, cook, tailor, and nurse; and served him with great fidelity and affection.


My uncle _Toby_ loved the man in return, and what attached him more to him still, was the similitude of their knowledge. ----For Corporal _Trim_ (for so, for the future, I shall call him), by four years occasional attention to his Master's discourse upon fortified towns, and the advantage of prying and peeping continually into his Master's plans, &c., exclusive and besides what he gained HOBBY-HORSICALLY, as a body-servant, _Non Hobby Horsical per se_; ----had become no mean proficient in the science; and was thought, by the cook and chamber-maid, to know as much of the nature of strongholds as my uncle _Toby_ himself.

My uncle Toby loved him in return, all the more because of the similitude of their knowledge. - For Corporal Trim, after four years' attention to his master's talk upon fortified towns, had become proficient in the science; and was thought by the cook and chamber-maid to know as much about strongholds as my uncle himself.


I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal _Trim's_ character, ----and it is the only dark line in it. --The fellow loved to advise, --or rather to hear himself talk; his carriage, however, was so perfectly respectful, 'twas easy to keep him silent when you had him so; but set his tongue a-going, --you had no hold of him--he was voluble; --the eternal interlardings of _your Honour_, with the respectfulness of Corporal _Trim's_ manner, interceding so strong in behalf of his elocution, --that though you might have been incommoded, ----you could not well be angry. My uncle _Toby_ was seldom either the one or the other with him, --or, at least, this fault, in _Trim_, broke no squares with them. My uncle _Toby_, as I said, loved the man; ----and besides, as he ever looked upon a faithful servant, --but as an humble friend, --he could not bear to stop his mouth. ----Such was Corporal _Trim_.

I have but one more stroke to give to finish Corporal Trim's character, and it is the only dark line in it. The fellow loved to hear himself talk. Set his tongue a-going, and you had no hold of him - he was voluble; though so respectful that you could not be angry. My uncle Toby loved him not just as a faithful servant, but as a humble friend; he could not bear to stop his mouth.


If I durst presume, continued _Trim_, to give your Honour my advice, and speak my opinion in this matter. --Thou art welcome, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_--speak, ----speak what thou thinkest upon the subject, man, without fear. Why then, replied _Trim_ (not hanging his ears and scratching his head like a country-lout, but) stroking his hair back from his forehead, and standing erect as before his division, --I think, quoth _Trim_, advancing his left, which was his lame leg, a little forwards, --and pointing with his right hand open towards a map of _Dunkirk_, which was pinned against the hangings, ----I think, quoth Corporal _Trim_, with humble submission to your Honour's better judgment, ----that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country by ourselves, and had but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do what we pleased with: As summer is coming on, continued _Trim_, your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nography--(Call it ichnography, quoth my uncle)----of the town or citadel, your Honour was pleased to sit down before, --and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis of it, if I did not fortify it to your Honour's mind ----I dare say thou would'st, _Trim_, quoth my uncle. --For if your Honour, continued the Corporal, could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles --That I could do very well, quoth my uncle. --I would begin with the foss, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth --I can to a hair's breadth, _Trim_, replied my uncle. --I would throw out the earth upon this hand towards the town for the scarp, --and on that hand towards the campaign for the counterscarp. --Very right, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_: ----And when I had sloped them to your mind, ----an' please your Honour, I would face the glacis, as the finest fortifications are done in _Flanders_, with sods, ----and as your Honour knows they should be, --and I would make the walls and parapets with sods too. --The best engineers call them gazons, _Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_. ----Whether they are gazons or sods, is not much matter, replied _Trim_; your Honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing either of brick or stone. ----I know they are, _Trim_, in some respects, ----quoth my uncle _Toby_, nodding his head; --for a cannon-ball enters into the gazon right onwards, without bringing any rubbish down with it, which might fill the foss (as was the case at _St. Nicolas's_ gate), and facilitate the passage over it.

'If I durst presume,' continued Trim, 'to advise your Honour?'
'Thou art welcome, Trim,' quoth my uncle: 'speak without fear.'
'Why then,' replied Trim, standing as erect as if on parade, 'I think,' quoth he, advancing his left leg, and pointing with his right hand towards a map of Dunkirk, which was pinned on the wall, - 'I think, with humble submission to your judgment, that these ravelins, bastions, curtins, and horn-works, make but a poor, contemptible, fiddle-faddle piece of work upon paper, compared to what your Honour and I could make of it were we in the country, and had a quarter-acre or so to do what we pleased with. Your Honour might sit out of doors, and give me the nography-'('Call it ichnography,' quoth my uncle) 'of the town or citadel, and I will be shot by your Honour upon the glacis, if I did not fortify it to your Honour's liking.'
'I dare say thou would'st, Trim,' quoth my uncle.
'For if your Honour,' continued the Corporal, 'could but mark me the polygon, with its exact lines and angles, I would begin digging the foss, and if your Honour could tell me the proper depth and breadth, I would throw out the earth for the scarp and counterscarp accordingly.'
'Very right, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'And when I had sloped them to your mind, and faced the glacis with sods, as the finest fortifications are done in Flanders, I would make the walls and parapets with sods too.'
'The best engineers call them gazons, Trim,' said my uncle.
'Gazons or sods,' replied Trim, 'your Honour knows they are ten times better than a facing of brick or stone.'
'They are,' quoth my uncle Toby, nodding; 'for a cannon-ball enters the gazon without bringing any rubbish down, which might fill the foss and allow the passage over it.'


Your Honour understands these matters, replied Corporal _Trim_, better than any officer in his Majesty's service; ----but would your Honour please to let the bespeaking of the table alone, and let us but go into the country, I would work under your Honour's directions like a horse, and make fortifications for you something like a tansy, with all their batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth all the world's riding twenty miles to go and see it.

'Your Honour understands these matters;' replied Corporal Trim, 'but if we went into the country, I would work under your Honour's directions like a horse, and make fortifications, batteries, saps, ditches, and palisadoes, that it should be worth riding twenty miles to see.'


My uncle _Toby_ blushed as red as scarlet as _Trim_ went on; --but it was not a blush of guilt, --of modesty, --or of anger, --it was a blush of joy; --he was fired with Corporal _Trim's_ project and description. ----_Trim!_ said my uncle _Toby_, thou hast said enough. --We might begin the campaign, continued _Trim_, on the very day that his Majesty and the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast as--_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, say no more. Your Honour, continued _Trim_, might sit in your arm-chair (pointing to it) this fine weather, giving me your orders, and I would ----Say no more, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_ ----Besides, your Honour would get not only pleasure and good pastime, --but good air, and good exercise, and good health, --and your Honour's wound would be well in a month. Thou hast said enough, _Trim_, --quoth my uncle _Toby_ (putting his hand into his breeches-pocket) ----I like thy project mightily. --And if your Honour pleases, I'll this moment go and buy a pioneer's spade to take down with us, and I'll bespeak a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of ----Say no more, _Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with rapture, --and thrusting a guinea into _Trim's_ hand, --_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby_, say no more; --but go down, _Trim_, this moment, my lad, and bring up my supper this instant.

My uncle Toby blushed with joy; he was fired with Corporal Trim's description.
'Trim!' he said, 'Enough.'
'We might begin the campaign,' continued Trim, 'on the very day that the Allies take the field, and demolish them town by town as fast as-'
'Trim,' quoth my uncle, 'say no more.'
'Your Honour might sit in your arm-chair, giving me orders, and I would-'
'Say no more, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby.
'Your Honour would get pleasure, good air, and good health, and your Honour's wound would be well in a month.'
'Thou hast said enough, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby; 'I like thy project mightily.'
'And if your Honour pleases, I'll this moment go and buy a spade, and a shovel and a pick-axe, and a couple of-'
'Say no more, Trim,' quoth my uncle Toby, quite overcome with rapture, and thrusting a guinea into Trim's hand: 'say no more; but go down, and bring up my supper.'


_Trim_ ran down and brought up his master's supper, ----to no purpose: --_Trim's_ plan of operation ran so in my uncle _Toby's_ head, he could not taste it. --_Trim_, quoth my uncle _Toby_, get me to bed. --'Twas all one. --Corporal _Trim's_ description had fired his imagination, --my uncle _Toby_ could not shut his eyes. --The more he considered it, the more bewitching the scene appeared to him; --so that, two full hours before day-light, he had come to a final determination, and had concerted the whole plan of his and Corporal _Trim's_ decampment.

Trim ran down and brought up his master's supper; - yet the plan ran so in my uncle Toby's head, that he could not taste it.
'Trim,' quoth my uncle, 'get me to bed.' But Trim's description had so fired his imagination, that he could not shut his eyes. The more he considered it, the more bewitching the idea appeared; so that, two hours before day-light, he had decided on the whole plan of his and Corporal Trim's decampment.


My uncle _Toby_ had a little neat country-house of his own, in the village where my father's estate lay at _Shandy_, which had been left him by an old uncle, with a small estate of about one hundred pounds a-year. Behind this house, and contiguous to it, was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, containing just about as much ground as Corporal _Trim_ wished for; --so that as _Trim_ uttered the words, "A rood and a half of ground to do what they would with," --this identical bowling-green instantly presented itself, and became curiously painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle _Toby's_ fancy; --which was the physical cause of making him change colour, or at least of heightening his blush, to that immoderate degree I spoke of.

My uncle Toby had a little neat country-house, in the village near my father's estate at Shandy Hall. Behind his house was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre; and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green of about a quarter-acre: so as soon as Corporal Trim uttered the words, 'a quarter-acre,' this bowling-green instantly became painted upon my uncle Toby's fancy.


Never did lover post down to a beloved mistress with more heat and expectation, than my uncle _Toby_ did, to enjoy this self-same thing in private; --I say in private; --for it was sheltered from the house, as I told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was covered on the other three sides, from mortal sight, by rough holly and thick-set flowering shrubs: --so that the idea of not being seen, did not a little contribute to the idea of pleasure pre-conceived in my uncle _Toby's_ mind. --Vain thought! however thick it was planted about, ----or private soever it might seem, --to think, dear uncle _Toby_, of enjoying a thing which took up a whole rood and a half of ground, ----and not have it known!

Never did lover hasten to a beloved mistress with more heat and expectation than my uncle Toby did, to enjoy this thing in private. As well as being sheltered from the house by a tall yew hedge, it was screened on the other three sides by holly and flowering shrubs: so that the idea of privacy added to my uncle's Toby's pleasure.
Vain thought! however private it might seem - to think, dear uncle Toby, of enjoying a thing which took up a quarter-acre of ground, - and not have it known!


How my uncle _Toby_ and Corporal _Trim_ managed this matter, ----with the history of their campaigns, which were no way barren of events, ----may make no uninteresting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama. --At present the scene must drop, --and change for the parlour fire-side.

How my uncle and Corporal Trim managed this matter, may make an interesting under-plot in the epitasis and working-up of this drama. - But for now the scene must drop, and change for the parlour fire-side.


My uncle _Toby_ and the corporal had posted down with so much heat and precipitation, to take possession of the spot of ground we have so often spoke of, in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies; that they had forgot one of the most necessary articles of the whole affair; it was neither a pioneer's spade, a pickax, or a shovel--

My uncle Toby and the corporal had travelled down speedily to take possession of the spot of ground we have spoke of, in order to open their campaign as early as the rest of the allies; but they forgot a most necessary article; not a spade, a pickaxe, or a shovel-


--It was a bed to lie on: so that as _Shandy-Hall_ was at that time unfurnished; and the little inn where poor _Le Fever_ died, not yet built; my uncle _Toby_ was constrained to accept of a bed at Mrs. _Wadman's_, for a night or two, till corporal _Trim_ (who to the character of an excellent valet, groom, cook, sempster, surgeon, and engineer, superadded that of an excellent upholsterer too), with the help of a carpenter and a couple of taylors, constructed one in my uncle _Toby's_ house.

- It was a bed to lie on. So, as Shandy-Hall was at that time unfurnished, and the little inn where poor Le Fever died was not yet built, my uncle Toby had to accept a bed at Mrs. Wadman's, for a night or two, till corporal Trim, with the help of a carpenter, constructed one in my uncle Toby's house.


A daughter of _Eve_, for such was widow _Wadman_, and 'tis all the character I intend to give of her--

A daughter of Eve: such was widow Wadman, and 'tis all the character I intend to give her-


--"_That she was a perfect woman_--" had better be fifty leagues off--or in her warm bed--or playing with a case-knife--or anything you please--than make a man the object of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her own.

- 'That she was a perfect woman' - had better be fifty leagues off - or in her warm bed - or playing with a case-knife - or anything, rather than make a man the object of her attention, when the house and all the furniture is her own.


There is nothing in it out of doors and in broad day-light, where a woman has a power, physically speaking, of viewing a man in more lights than one--but here, for her soul, she can see him in no light without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him----till by reiterated acts of such combination, he gets foisted into her inventory----

There is no problem out of doors in day-light, where a woman can view a man in more lights than one - but in her house, she cannot see him without mixing something of her own goods and chattels along with him, till he gets foisted into her inventory-


But this is not matter of SYSTEM; for I have delivered that above----nor is it matter of BREVIARY----for I make no man's creed but my own----nor matter of FACT----at least that I know of; but 'tis matter copulative and introductory to what follows.


----But it is an indubitable verity, continued I, addressing myself to the commissary, changing only the form of my asseveration----that I owe the king of _France_ nothing but my good-will; for he is a very honest man, and I wish him all health and pastime in the world----

'But it is true,' continued I, 'that I owe the king of France nothing but my good-will.'


_Pardonnez moi_--replied the commissary, you are indebted to him six livres four sous, for the next post from hence to St. _Fons_, in your route to _Avignon_--which being a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion--otherwise 'twould have amounted to no more than three livres two sous----

'Pardonnez moi,' replied the messenger, 'you owe him six livres four sous, for the next post-stage from here to St. Fons, in your route to Avignon. Since it is a post royal, you pay double for the horses and postillion - otherwise 'twould have been three livres two sous.'


----You may if you please; replied the commissary----


Your most obedient servant----said I, making him a low bow----

'Your most obedient servant,' said I, making him a bow


The commissary, with all the sincerity of grave good breeding--made me one, as low again. ----I never was more disconcerted with a bow in my life.

- he bowed as low in return. - I was never more disconcerted with a bow in my life.


----The devil take the serious character of these people! quoth I--(aside) they understand no more of IRONY than this----

'The devil take the serious character of these people!' quoth I (aside). 'They understand no more of Irony than this-'


The comparison was standing close by with his panniers--but something seal'd up my lips --I could not pronounce the name--

The comparison was standing close by with his panniers - but I could not say his name.


Sir, said I, collecting myself--it is not my intention to take post----

'Sir,' said I, collecting myself, 'it is not my intention to take the post-stage.'


--But you may--said he, persisting in his first reply--you may take post if you chuse----

'But you may,' said he, 'if you choose.'


--And I may take salt to my pickled herring, said I, if I chuse----

'And I may take salt on my pickled herring,' said I, 'if I


--But you must pay for it, whether you do or no.

'But you must pay for the post-stage, whether you do or no.'


--And for the post too; added he. Defend me! cried I----


I travel by water --I am going down the _Rhne_ this very afternoon--my baggage is in the boat--and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage----

'I travel by water - I am going down the Rhne this very afternoon - my baggage is in the boat - and I have actually paid nine livres for my passage.'


_C'est tout egal_--'tis all one; said he.


_Bon Dieu!_ what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do _not_ go!

'Mon Dieu! what, pay for the way I go! and for the way I do not go!'
''Tis all one.'


----_C'est tout egal_; replied the commissary----


----The devil it is! said I--but I will go to ten thousand Bastiles first----

'The devil it is!' said I - 'but I will go to ten thousand Bastilles first - O England!


_O England! England!_ thou land of liberty, and climate of good sense, thou tenderest of mothers--and gentlest of nurses, cried I, kneeling upon one knee, as I was beginning my apostrophe.

England! thou land of liberty and good sense, thou tenderest of mothers and gentlest of nurses,' cried I, falling upon one knee.


When the director of Madam _Le Blanc's_ conscience coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, with a face as pale as ashes, at his devotions--looking still paler by the contrast and distress of his drapery--ask'd, if I stood in want of the aids of the church----

The priest coming in at that instant, and seeing a person in black, kneeling, with a face as pale as ashes, asked if I needed the aid of the church-


I go by WATER--said I--and here's another will be for making me pay for going by OIL.

'I go by Water,' said I; '-and here's another wants to make me pay for going by Oil.'


----But courage! gentle reader! ----I scorn it----'tis enough to have thee in my power----but to make use of the advantage which the fortune of the pen has now gained over thee, would be too much ----No----! by that all-powerful fire which warms the visionary brain, and lights the spirits through unwordly tracts! ere I would force a helpless creature upon this hard service, and make thee pay, poor soul! for fifty pages, which I have no right to sell thee, ----naked as I am, I would browse upon the mountains, and smile that the north wind brought me neither my tent or my supper.

- But courage, gentle reader! - I scorn it - 'tis enough to have thee in my power - but to make use of that advantage would be too much - No! by that all-powerful fire which warms the visionary brain! before I would force a helpless creature upon this hard service, and make thee pay, poor soul! for fifty pages, which I have no right to sell thee, - naked as I am, I would browse upon the mountains, and smile when the north wind brought me neither my tent nor my supper.


--So put on, my brave boy! and make the best of thy way to _Boulogne_.

So keep on, my brave boy! and make thy way to Boulogne.


----Wh - - - - ysh----ysh----cried _Margarita_.


Sh - - - a----suh - u----shu - - u--sh - - aw----shaw'd the abbess.


----Whu--v--w----whew--w--w--whuv'd _Margarita_ pursing up her sweet lips betwixt a hoot and a whistle.

'Whu - w - whew,' whewed Margarita, pursing up her sweet lips.


Thump--thump--thump--obstreperated the abbess of _Andoillets_ with the end of her gold-headed cane against the bottom of the calesh----

Thump - thump - thump went the abbess with the end of her cane against the bottom of the carriage-


----Five years with a bib under his chin;

'- Five years with a bib under his chin;


Four years in travelling from Christ-cross-row to _Malachi_;


'A year and a half in learning to write his own name;


Seven long years and more -ing it, at Greek and Latin;

'Seven long years working at Greek and Latin;