This week , as the Senate decides whether to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act and Valentine 's Day approaches , it 's worth noting that most domestic violence victims do n't ask for roses , chocolate or federal funding . Instead , we have one simple wish : We want the abuse to end . We do n't want the relationship to end . This fact about `` crazy love '' surprises many people . How could you still love someone who has hurt you ? The answer is as complicated as love itself . We victims tend to be hope junkies , open-hearted and optimistic . We believe that our loved ones are capable of change . Some would say we are naïve . Others say we are too kind or too forgiving . Often we can not find the courage to leave an abusive relationship until our life ( or our children 's safety ) has been threatened . When victims end an abusive relationship , the first thing we need is shelter . This is the No . 1 request made by victims who call the National Domestic Violence Hotline , the federally funded national helpline ( 1.800.799.SAFE ) . It is a practical request -- a roof over our heads . But it is also an emotional one -- the deep need to seek safety and to protect our children from danger . Watch Leslie Steiner 's TEDx Talk . Many victims know instinctively what friends and family usually do n't : The most lethal time in an abusive relationship is after you leave . More than 70 % of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has gotten out . Like 20-year-old Selina Brown , who was shot in the face last year as she and her toddler daughter tried to board a bus . So safe shelter is , naturally , our biggest priority . The second most common request also surprises people -- even in a town like Washington , D.C. , with nearly 100,000 lawyers . Victims say that after immediate shelter , what we need most is legal advice and representation . Any woman who is going to turn herself from domestic violence victim to a domestic violence survivor needs this service . TED.com : Unlock the intelligence , passion , greatness of girls . I should know . I come from a family of Harvard-educated lawyers . Yet , when I left my abusive ex-husband -- an Ivy League Wall Street trader who kept three loaded guns in our house -- I had no one to accompany me to family court to get my temporary restraining order made permanent , and no one to help me begin divorce proceedings . So I went to court alone . Fortunately , a young legal aid attorney from a local women 's shelter showed up . She spoke to my husband and the judge . She pointed me in the direction of the bullet-proof glass window where my new restraining order awaited . She recommended a divorce lawyer I could hire immediately . Thanks to her , and dozens of other strangers who helped me , I left my ex-husband . Today I 'm happily remarried and the mother of three wonderful children . I have a black lab and drive a Honda Odyssey minivan . I could n't have left and rebuilt such an ordinary , happy life without the kindness of others . TED.com : Poems of war , peace , women , power . Here in Washington , 700 registered pro bono lawyers have joined forces with a new nonprofit , the D.C. Volunteer Lawyers Project . It now has more attorneys than Washington 's largest law firm . The lawyers are typically stay-at-home moms craving volunteer work that puts their legal training to good use . TED.com : Tales of passion . The volunteer lawyers ' group provides mentoring , training , court appearance scheduling and malpractice insurance , all within a $ 350,000 annual budget , which is tiny considering it serves a city of more than 600,000 people . Since its founding , it has helped more than 2,000 family violence survivors . In 2012 , its lawyers donated more than 14,000 pro bono legal hours . I call that true love . This Valentine 's Day , I 'd like to call on all lawyers in Washington and elsewhere to consider helping stop domestic violence for good . The D.C. Volunteer Lawyers Project model can be replicated in any small town or big city . By giving victims a little pro bono assistance , lawyers can help make our nation 's dinner tables , homes and families the safe and peaceful oases they should be . By giving a small amount of time , like the advocate who helped me so many years ago , we can all help victims of domestic violence . Now that 's a Valentine 's Day present we can all get mushy about .
Leslie Steiner : Victims of domestic violence just want the abuse to end for good . Steiner : When victims leave an abusive relationship , the first thing they need is shelter . She says the second most common request is legal advice and representation . Steiner : The third most frequent request is a place where she can live with her children while their mother works or attends college.