( CNN ) -- I 'm in a Las Vegas hotel room , hiding from Christmas . The odds are not in my favor . This is not a war on , jihad against or campaign to counter anyone else 's annual allotment of holly jolly joy . If it were up to me , I 'd quietly exile myself from the merrymaking so as not to dim others ' bliss like a burned-out bulb on an otherwise twinkly light strand . I 'm not a Grinch or a Scrooge or any of the other soot-stained slurs hurled by people fed up with a loved one 's reluctance to join the reindeer games . What I am is depressed . In the cold , dark , ash-end of the dying year , it is hard for me to pry my head from my pillow and draw breath into my lungs -- let alone don gay apparel and fa-la-la along with the rest of the festive public . But I do it -- alongside countless other people suffering from seasonal affective disorder , active grief , debilitating panic , PTSD and a whole host of other emotional issues that are thrown into sharp relief amid the mandatory revelry . I do n't want to drag anyone else into my darkness and take the shimmer off their star . I try to slough off my dull gray sweater and don a gaudy holiday number that I hope will distract from the listlessness in my eyes and my affect , and I will myself to snap out of it . That may successfully deflect attention from friends and family caught up in holiday chaos , but I am thoroughly unable to force myself into a state of good cheer . The attempt makes it worse . `` I think there must be something wrong with me , Linus . Christmas is coming , but I 'm not happy . I do n't feel the way I 'm supposed to feel . ... I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that , but I 'm still not happy . I always end up feeling depressed . '' Read more : Going public with depression . As a child , it was surprising and oddly comforting to see my strange feelings articulated by a beloved cartoon character amid the Technicolor cheer of holiday TV specials . But then again , I have always identified with poor ol ' Charlie Brown -- and the response his confession of yuletide unease received from his peers . `` Charlie Brown , you 're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem . '' Nope -- not just you , Charlie Brown . The rest of us just do n't talk about it for fear that the Linuses of the world will pass judgment ; if you ca n't join in the joy of the most wonderful time of the year , you are clearly defective . You are a misfit toy , minus the solidarity of an island full of kindred spirits . Even for those who do n't struggle with chronic or seasonal depression , there are myriad reasons why some approach December with dread . For many who have who always celebrated holidays with warmth and abandon , there 's a raw and tender spot where a departed family member used to be . Even if the grief is not fresh , the rites and rituals that once brought such delight now awaken the ache of loss . For others , economic strain , family estrangement , the pressure of others ' expectations , overtaxed schedules and plain old exhaustion can mount and crush the happiness out a season that was previously a source of comfort . But rarely , if ever , are we given a strings-free opportunity to opt out . `` It 's only once a year ! '' a friend said to me just yesterday , kvetching about her sister-in-law 's reluctance to suck it up and make merry . I 've never met the woman , but I had to argue on her behalf . I come from a family in which Christmas Day e-mails have become an acceptable level of holiday hoopla , but have married into a family heavily invested in the celebration . As much as I love and cherish every member of my husband 's massive multigenerational clan , their celebrations operate at an unfamiliar frequency . Being launched into the holiday machine with a family that celebrates bigheartedly , boisterously and lavishly became a source of yearly panic and dread for me . I was terribly ashamed of myself for feeling that way . Yes , it 's only once a year , but my mother-in-law is nearing 90 . The desire to deliver the brand of holiday she 's come to expect added so much weight to the event , I 'd find myself almost unable to breathe at the very thought of it . Read more : National Depression Screening Day : Sharing experiences . Then I 'd fret that someone would notice my distress ( they did ) and take it personally if I slipped away to compose myself . ( Where 's Kat ? She 's taking a nap again ? Does n't she want to spend time with us ? ) After several years of that stress , I realized something was going to have to give -- and it was going to have to be me . I ca n't say I 'm ever going to actively enjoy Christmas , but I love my family ( and myself ) enough to make the most out of it and have found ways to manage my seasonally fragile mood in a way that might minimize upset from either side . I save up my vacation days , hotel points and and frequent-flier miles to visit somewhere sunny -- usually Las Vegas . While trees , cheeky holiday decor , and jazzed-up carols have begun to encroach upon this den of depravity and excess , it 's still a relatively safe haven for Christmas cranks like me , and the darkness sets in a shade later than it does back home . On the ground at Christmas central with the in-laws , my husband and I have taken to getting a hotel room , rather than staying with family . Though that may not be the most economically sensible option , we do n't have to worry about overtaxing anyone 's generosity , and the autonomy offers a little breathing room that helps me more calmly and thoroughly appreciate the time we spend together in celebration . Once in the familial fray , I try to make myself as useful as humanly possible . Need that platter washed ? Gim me ! We 're out of cinnamon ? Where are the car keys ? The children need someone to chase around the yard to wear them out ? Whooooooooosh ! And I 've added my own ritual to the mix -- crafting multiple pitchers of rye sours made with freshly-squeezed lemons and clementine juice . It busies my hands for at least an hour , lightly buzzes the crowd for a couple more and I get to spend one-on-one time with each person as I serve them . It has by all accounts been a most welcome addition to the holidays , and for a while our moods align happily and brightly . This may not be ideal for every family , but we make the most of what we 've been given . I 'll take my Christmas spirit any way I can get it . Like CNN Living on Facebook and follow Kat Kinsman on Twitter . How do you get through the holiday doldrums ? Share your secrets in the comments section below .
Many people feel sad during the holidays due to depression or past events . CNN 's Amy Goodman faced overwhelming sadness during the season in the past . Kinsman recommended coping methods , such as enjoying sunny days and keeping busy . Those facing seasonal affective disorder or depression can find resources here .