( LifeWire ) -- Nikki Maxwell and her husband , Bill , used to enjoy date nights , a live-in nanny and frequent splurges . Expert says many couples are n't even aware of where their money is going . But in 2008 , Nikki , a 39-year-old education grant writer , was laid off from her job with the state of California , and Bill , a 40-year-old freelance video game writer , was out of work for six months . Now the Los Angeles couple only spend money on food , housing and essentials for their children , ages 8 , 6 and 3 . Everything from gifts to health insurance has fallen by the wayside . `` Three years ago we were shopping at Whole Foods and Trader Joe 's , and in 2008 we were at the food bank , '' Nikki says . `` We 've had to make huge changes to our lifestyle . 'Cutting back ' has been our mantra . '' With the Bureau of Labor Statistics reporting in December that 10.3 million Americans are out of work , it 's undoubtedly become the mantra of many couples -- married , cohabiting or otherwise . But how can you negotiate which expenses to jettison without throwing a wrench in your relationship ? There 's an art to making financial compromises as a couple . Budgeting is not a competitive sport . `` You need to approach this like partners , not adversaries , '' says consumer finance expert Dayana Yochim , author of `` The Motley Fool 's Guide to Couples and Cash : How to Handle Money with Your Honey . '' `` Your goal is not to defeat the other person , not to be the winner -- unless you like sleeping on the couch . '' Nikki Maxwell agrees that teamwork is key . `` In the past , when one of us wanted a book , CD , DVD , et cetera , we would have to factor in that the other person would get to buy something of equal value , '' she says . `` Now we write down what we want to spend money on and discuss the choices for our family . It 's not about him or me ; it 's about that bottom line . '' That 's not to say such negotiations come easily . `` I can see why arguments over money ruin marriages , '' Nikki says . `` It 's tough . '' Her husband , Bill , says the triaging is wearying . `` For us , it ends up not being as much about the cutbacks but about spending what little money we have , '' he says . `` And then you throw children into the mix who want to know why you did n't buy Popsicles this month . When you 're in a mildly stressful state at best , that just kicks it over the edge . '' Maintain some autonomy . Julie Sturgeon , of Indianapolis , Indiana , has had trouble reaching any sort of agreement with her husband on cutting back . The couple , who have no children , have enjoyed plenty of extras . `` I think eating out seven nights a week is excessive , '' says the 46-year-old travel agent . `` He says for two people , it 's too much of a time-suck to fix a meal , and it 's not like we ca n't pay the resulting credit card at the end of the month . '' They 've also disagreed about which hobbies to ditch , which personal grooming expenses to drop and whether to reduce their donations to charity . `` We have a lot of guilt about what we think we should do , '' Sturgeon says . `` We 're still paying our bills , so these conversations are more about mentally preparing ourselves in case that does n't continue . '' Ken Clark , a certified financial planner in Little Rock , Arkansas , says there 's an easy solution to such stalemates . Outside of your fixed living expenses , `` Each person should have a little bit of money that they can spend each month without having to answer to anybody . '' `` However hard you work to manage that money is up to you , '' says Clark , who 's been in private practice since 2002 and has a master 's degree in counseling psychology . `` This eliminates the quibbles over who 's spending more on manicures or media purchases . '' Cutting back 'brought us closer ' But for some couples , trimming the budgetary fat is more of a bonding than head-butting experience . Just ask Dave Clarke , 25 , a public relations professional in Philadelphia . While he and his girlfriend of 2 ½ years do n't live together , their lives are `` pretty intertwined . '' `` We 're young and do n't make that much in the first place , '' he says . To adapt to higher food and gas prices in 2008 and `` make their money go farther , '' the two took stock of their spending habits as a couple . `` We nixed an annual fall weekend vacation , '' he says . They 've also combined birthday and year-end holiday presents to each other , stopped buying pricey concert tickets and replaced dining out with cooking at home . `` It 's actually brought us closer , '' he says . `` We 're both fighting the same battle and know we have each other for support to fight it together . '' Cutting back 101 . Regardless of whether you share bank accounts or live with your significant other , Yochim offers these suggestions for nipping financial squabbles in the bud : . • Track your spending . `` A lot of couples do n't even know where the money 's going , '' she says . Free money management sites like Mint.com and QuickenOnline.com can change that . • Establish ground rules . Determine which purchases you 'll run past one another in advance -- for example , anything that costs more than $ 100 . • Do n't split everything 50-50 . If you 're sharing bank accounts but one of you earns a considerably lower salary , deposit a percentage of your income into your joint account rather than the same dollar amount as your partner . • Do n't sweat the small stuff . Pick five `` big spending categories '' to cut back on as a couple . `` If you try to watch every little nickel and dime , '' Yochim says , `` you 're going to exhaust your patience and get on each other 's nerves . '' LifeWire provides original and syndicated content to Web publishers . Michelle Goodman is a Seattle-based freelance writer and author of `` My So-Called Freelance Life : How to Survive and Thrive as a Creative Professional for Hire . ''
Couples ' budget decisions should be negotiated for a win-win result . Comment: ` It 's not about him or me ; it 's about that bottom line '' Expert : Couples should track spending , find out where money is going . Establish ground rules : What price limit requires talking before spending .