( The Frisky ) -- When you break up with someone , how do you expect the people in your life to treat your ex ? On a recent Sunday , I read the `` Modern Love '' column in The New York Times which explored that topic in an essay by Charles Antin . Antin had an amicable , cold-turkey breakup with his girlfriend of five years , and then found himself morosely following her life in the aftermath via Facebook . When his `` technophile '' grandfather joined the social networking site and befriended his ex -- because of their shared love of Frangelico , it seems -- Antin was angry . The column ends with a bit of a whimper -- Antin confronted his grandfather , who ended up quitting Facebook entirely -- but it got me thinking about how we expect our family members and friends to treat our exes , and how we expect their family and friends to treat us , whether the breakup was amicable or not . When my ex and I broke up , I did n't have much to worry about on this front . While I was friendly with his friends and he was friendly with mine , we did n't really have mutual friends , so it was n't like anyone was in a position of `` choosing sides . '' My family had never been close with him because we had n't spent too much time with them as a couple , so they had no interest in keeping in touch with him . And really , given the way things went down , everyone in my life kind of hated his guts . A few of my friends were Facebook friends with him before we broke up , and when we split , most of them asked if they should defriend him or not . I said , `` No , '' because obviously someone needed to be keeping tabs on his relationship status changes , as well as post and tag photos of me looking happy for him to see . So I 've never been in the position of having to really `` think '' about how I wanted my friends to treat my ex . They 've been doing it right since the second we broke up . However , one of my primary concerns when we broke up was how it was going to affect my relationship with his mom . Even though I had n't `` done '' anything , would she still feel comfortable maintaining contact with me ? And even if she did want to remain a part of my life in the months after the breakup , what about when my ex brought home a new girlfriend for her to meet ? Would her friendship with me get in the way of her developing a bond with a new , potential daughter-in-law ? And what did he think of his mom still keeping in touch with his ex -- the very same ex who has , well , given him a piece of her mind on this very site ( all of which could have been read by his mom ) ? The Frisky : Is fighting healthy in a relationship ? All of this was weighing heavily on me in advance of my 30th birthday . Though my almost-mother-in-law and I had vowed to keep in touch , I had n't spoken with her since before I found out and wrote that my ex had likely cheated on me with his coworker ( and lied about it ) and had also lied about an incident early on in our relationship involving his ex-girlfriend . Since the last time we spoke , I had written about all of these things , as well as sent my ex an extremely angry and accusatory email ( which he did n't acknowledge ) , and I was worried a little that he had maybe bad-mouthed me to his parents -- i.e. , told them I was crazy -- in an attempt to cover his butt , should they confront him about the things I wrote about ( in the event that they still read The Frisky ) . I hesitated to check in with them because I did n't know what kind of reception I would get . I was pretty confident his mom knew me well enough that she would n't believe any lies he might tell and , despite everything , I had a hard time really believing my ex could be that vindictive . Turns out , my instinct was right -- his mom texted me on my birthday , as did his sister . It was a wonderful birthday present , knowing he had n't tried to taint their view of me and that they still very much wanted to keep in touch . The Frisky : When is the ideal time to get married ? I talked to his mom a few days after my birthday and we avoided the subject of my ex almost entirely , though she did say she had mentioned to him that she had wished me a happy birthday . She said he seemed a little weird about it , which I suppose is fair and normal . I respect him for not getting angry or demanding that we cease contact , I respect his mom for , well , not really caring whether it bugs him , and I am doing my best to respect the relationship ( s ) in general , by not making him a topic of conversation when we do speak . Of course , if I actually did want to discuss my ex with his mom -- and aside from a burning curiosity about whether he has introduced his parents to the aforementioned coworker , I really do n't -- that would be a sign that the friendship between us is n't the healthiest thing for me , as I take the final steps in moving on with my life . So , as far as keeping up relationships with an ex 's family and friends goes , proceed with caution . The Frisky : Forgiveness goes a long way . TM & © 2010 TMV , Inc. | All Rights Reserved .
Columnist ponders how your family and friends should treat your ex . Score: 6 She feared her ex might have badmouthed her , but he did not . She told her friends they did not have to unfriend him on Facebook .