( CNN ) -- How does your sex life measure up ? That 's the central premise of `` The Normal Bar , '' a new book by Chrisanna Northrup and sociologists Pepper Schwartz and James Witte . Based on the responses of an Internet survey of some 70,000 people , `` The Normal Bar '' endeavors to ease people 's concerns about their sexual relationships by providing readers with an idea of what 's `` normal '' for most couples -- from how often they have sex , to how sexually adventurous they are , to how they romance each other outside the bedroom . `` It is n't about a 98.6 kind of normal -- just the normal of exceptionally happy couples ( gay and straight ) and what we can learn from them , '' Schwartz says . One juicy nugget -- 86 % of all men and women are intrigued by having kinky sex . `` This just goes to show that both men and women want to be kept on their toes , '' says Patty Brisben , sex educator and entrepreneur . `` I ca n't think of any couple who would be 'satisfied ' with predictable sex for the same reason people do n't watch the same movie every weekend : There 's no mystery , no excitement . '' Admittedly it 's hard to resist checking out how we match up to other people between the sheets . `` Couples that come into my practice with complaints about their sex life are often comparing themselves to a rather unrealistic and fictitious standard , '' Dr. Sue Varma says . `` They have grown up watching Hollywood flicks believing that bedroom passion should be spontaneous . '' Adds social psychologist Justin Lehmiller , `` Almost all couples , both heterosexual and same-sex , worry about how their relationship stacks up . This naturally leads us to compare our relationships to those of other couples . '' It may be natural , but is that comparison healthy ? It depends , say experts . `` It 's tempting to think that statistics about how often other people have sex can tell you how often you should be having sex , '' explains Emily Nagoski , a sex health educator . `` But other people 's sex lives have nothing to do with yours . Experiencing sex differently does n't mean you 're doing it wrong , it just means you 're doing it differently . '' On the other hand , the quest to keep up with the Jones ' sex life can have its perks , too . Although comparison `` can be destructive if you think of the 'norms ' as being ideals to strive for , it can also be empowering if it makes you feel that your experience has been validated and that you are less alone , '' says Margie Nichols , a sex therapist and pioneer in her work with the lesbian , gay , bisexual , and transgender community . `` Because kink and open relationships are more common among lesbian , gay and bisexual people , these couples face more options and choices , something that can add a layer of complexity to a couple 's sex life as well as more freedom . '' Comparison may even inspire you to amp up your sex life a bit . For instance , `` The Normal Bar '' authors found that 48 % of men want their female partners to be more romantic -- and that the No . 1 thing they want more of is communication , not sex . `` Responses like these might encourage some women to raise the bar on how they talk and act in the bedroom , '' sex educator Jamye Waxman says . The survey results call into question stereotypes that men compartmentalize sex and emotions , says Jean Malpas , a psychotherapist in New York . `` Men are often described as rigidly separating sex and feelings , '' he says . `` However , many straight , gay or bisexual men I encounter in my clinical practice appreciate meaningful sexual intimacy . They often long for a sexuality anchored in the complicity and playfulness of their romantic relationship . '' One of the goals of `` The Normal Bar '' is to get couples talking about their sex lives and trying new things . It 's an experience that Nagoski sees reflected in her own work as a college sex educator . `` By the end of the semester , my students know they 're normal , but not because their quantity , quality or frequency of sex falls within some statistical range , compared to other people , '' she says . `` They feel normal because they understand how varied people are , how many different ways there are to be 'normal , ' and that the real measure for 'normal ' is mutual consent and satisfaction . ''
`` The Normal Bar '' aims to get couples talking about their sex lives . Survey shows 86 % of all men and women are intrigued by having kinky sex . Expert : It 's hard not to wonder how we match up to other couples in bed .