



Produced by Tapio Riikonen and David Widger









THE ADVENTURES OF FERDINAND COUNT FATHOM

by Tobias Smollett


COMPLETE IN TWO PARTS

PART I.

With the Author's Preface, and an Introduction by G. H. Maynadier, Ph.D.
Department of English, Harvard University.



CONTENTS

   INTRODUCTION

   PREFATORY ADDRESS

   CHAPTER
       I   Some sage Observations that naturally introduce our important
             History
      II   A superficial View of our Hero's Infancy
     III   He is initiated in a Military Life, and has the good Fortune
             to acquire a generous Patron
      IV   His Mother's Prowess and Death; together with some Instances
             of his own Sagacity
       V   A brief Detail of his Education
      VI   He meditates Schemes of Importance
     VII   Engages in Partnership with a female Associate, in order to
             put his Talents in Action
    VIII   Their first Attempt; with a Digression which some Readers
             may think impertinent
      IX   The Confederates change their Battery, and achieve a remarkable
             Adventure
       X   They proceed to levy Contributions with great Success, until
             our Hero sets out with the young Count for Vienna, where he
             enters into League with another Adventurer
      XI   Fathom makes various Efforts in the World of Gallantry
     XII   He effects a Lodgment in the House of a rich Jeweller
    XIII   He is exposed to a most perilous Incident in the Course of his
             Intrigue with the Daughter
     XIV   He is reduced to a dreadful Dilemma, in consequence of an
             Assignation with the Wife
      XV   But at length succeeds in his Attempt upon both
     XVI   His Success begets a blind Security, by which he is once again
             well-nigh entrapped in his Dulcinea's Apartment
    XVII   The Step-dame's Suspicions being awakened, she lays a Snare
             for our Adventurer, from which he is delivered by the
             Interposition of his Good Genius
   XVIII   Our Hero departs from Vienna, and quits the Domain of Venus
             for the rough Field of Mars
     XIX   He puts himself under the Guidance of his Associate, and
             stumbles upon the French Camp, where he finishes his
             Military Career
      XX   He prepares a Stratagem, but finds himself countermined--
             Proceeds on his Journey, and is overtaken by a terrible
             Tempest
     XXI   He falls upon Scylla, seeking to avoid Charybdis.
    XXII   He arrives at Paris, and is pleased with his Reception
   XXIII   Acquits himself with Address in a Nocturnal Riot
    XXIV   He overlooks the Advances of his Friends, and smarts severely
             for his Neglect
     XXV   He bears his Fate like a Philosopher; and contracts
             acquaintance with a very remarkable Personage
    XXVI   The History of the Noble Castilian
   XXVII   A flagrant Instance of Fathom's Virtue, in the Manner of his
             Retreat to England
  XXVIII   Some Account of his Fellow-Travellers
    XXIX   Another providential Deliverance from the Effects of the
             Smuggler's ingenious Conjecture
     XXX   The singular Manner of Fathom's Attack and Triumph over the
             Virtue of the fair Elenor
    XXXI   He by accident encounters his old Friend, with whom he holds
             a Conference, and renews a Treaty
   XXXII   He appears in the great World with universal Applause and
             Admiration
  XXXIII   He attracts the Envy and Ill Offices of the minor Knights of
             his own Order, over whom he obtains a complete Victory
   XXXIV   He performs another Exploit, that conveys a true Idea of his
             Gratitude and Honour
    XXXV   He repairs to Bristol Spring, where he reigns paramount during
             the whole Season
   XXXVI   He is smitten with the Charms of a Female Adventurer, whose
             Allurements subject him to a new Vicissitude of Fortune
  XXXVII   Fresh Cause for exerting his Equanimity and Fortitude
 XXXVIII   The Biter is Bit




INTRODUCTION


The Adventures of Ferdinand Count Fathom, Smollett's third novel, was
given to the world in 1753.  Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, writing to her
daughter, the Countess of Bute, over a year later [January 1st, 1755],
remarked that "my friend Smollett .  .  .  has certainly a talent for
invention, though I think it flags a little in his last work."  Lady Mary
was both right and wrong.  The inventive power which we commonly think of
as Smollett's was the ability to work over his own experience into
realistic fiction.  Of this, Ferdinand Count Fathom shows comparatively
little.  It shows relatively little, too, of Smollett's vigorous
personality, which in his earlier works was present to give life and
interest to almost every chapter, were it to describe a street brawl, a
ludicrous situation, a whimsical character, or with venomous prejudice to
gibbet some enemy.  This individuality--the peculiar spirit of the author
which can be felt rather than described--is present in the dedication of
Fathom to Doctor ------, who is no other than Smollett himself, and a
candid revelation of his character, by the way, this dedication contains.
It is present, too, in the opening chapters, which show, likewise, in the
picture of Fathom's mother, something of the author's peculiar "talent
for invention."  Subsequently, however, there is no denying that the
Smollett invention and the Smollett spirit both flag.  And yet, in a way,
Fathom displays more invention than any of the author's novels; it is
based far less than any other on personal experience.  Unfortunately
such thorough-going invention was not suited to Smollett's genius.  The
result is, that while uninteresting as a novel of contemporary manners,
Fathom has an interest of its own in that it reveals a new side of its
author.  We think of Smollett, generally, as a rambling storyteller, a
rational, unromantic man of the world, who fills his pages with his own
oddly-metamorphosed acquaintances and experiences.  The Smollett of Count
Fathom, on the contrary, is rather a forerunner of the romantic school,
who has created a tolerably organic tale of adventure out of his own
brain.  Though this is notably less readable than the author's earlier
works, still the wonder is that when the man is so far "off his beat," he
should yet know so well how to meet the strange conditions which confront
him.  To one whose idea of Smollett's genius is formed entirely by Random
and Pickle and Humphry Clinker, Ferdinand Count Fathom will offer many
surprises.

The first of these is the comparative lifelessness of the book.  True,
here again are action and incident galore, but generally unaccompanied by
that rough Georgian hurly-burly, common in Smollett, which is so
interesting to contemplate from a comfortable distance, and which goes so
far towards making his fiction seem real.  Nor are the characters, for
the most part, life-like enough to be interesting.  There is an apparent
exception, to be sure, in the hero's mother, already mentioned, the
hardened camp-follower, whom we confidently expect to become vitalised
after the savage fashion of Smollett's characters.  But, alas! we have no
chance to learn the lady's style of conversation, for the few words that
come from her lips are but partially characteristic; we have only too
little chance to learn her manners and customs.  In the fourth chapter,
while she is making sure with her dagger that all those on the field of
battle whom she wishes to rifle are really dead, an officer of the
hussars, who has been watching her lucrative progress, unfeelingly puts a
brace of bullets into the lady's brain, just as she raises her hand to
smite him to the heart.  Perhaps it is as well that she is thus removed
before our disappointment at the non-fulfilment of her promise becomes
poignant.  So far as we may judge from the other personages of Count
Fathom, even this interesting Amazon would sooner or later have turned
into a wooden figure, with a label giving the necessary information as to
her character.

Such certainly is her son, Fathom, the hero of the book.  Because he is
placarded, "Shrewd villain of monstrous inhumanity," we are fain to
accept him for what his creator intended; but seldom in word or deed is
he a convincingly real villain.  His friend and foil, the noble young
Count de Melvil, is no more alive than he; and equally wooden are Joshua,
the high-minded, saint-like Jew, and that tedious, foolish Don Diego.
Neither is the heroine alive, the peerless Monimia, but then, in her
case, want of vitality is not surprising; the presence of it would amaze
us.  If she were a woman throbbing with life, she would be different from
Smollett's other heroines.  The "second lady" of the melodrama,
Mademoiselle de Melvil, though by no means vivified, is yet more real
than her sister-in-law.

The fact that they are mostly inanimate figures is not the only surprise
given us by the personages of Count Fathom.  It is a surprise to find few
of them strikingly whimsical; it is a surprise to find them in some cases
far more distinctly conceived than any of the people in Roderick Random
or Peregrine Pickle.  In the second of these, we saw Smollett beginning
to understand the use of incident to indicate consistent development of
character.  In Count Fathom, he seems fully to understand this principle
of art, though he has not learned to apply it successfully.  And so, in
spite of an excellent conception, Fathom, as I have said, is unreal.
After all his villainies, which he perpetrates without any apparent
qualms of conscience, it is incredible that he should honestly repent of
his crimes.  We are much inclined to doubt when we read that "his vice
and ambition was now quite mortified within him," the subsequent
testimony of Matthew Bramble, Esq., in Humphry Clinker, to the contrary,
notwithstanding.  Yet Fathom up to this point is consistently drawn, and
drawn for a purpose:--to show that cold-blooded roguery, though
successful for a while, will come to grief in the end.  To heighten the
effect of his scoundrel, Smollett develops parallel with him the virtuous
Count de Melvil.  The author's scheme of thus using one character as the
foil of another, though not conspicuous for its originality, shows a
decided advance in the theory of constructive technique.  Only, as I have
said, Smollett's execution is now defective.

"But," one will naturally ask, "if Fathom lacks the amusing, and not
infrequently stimulating, hurly-burly of Smollett's former novels; if its
characters, though well-conceived, are seldom divertingly fantastic and
never thoroughly animate; what makes the book interesting?"  The surprise
will be greater than ever when the answer is given that, to a large
extent, the plot makes Fathom interesting.  Yes, Smollett, hitherto
indifferent to structure, has here written a story in which the plot
itself, often clumsy though it may be, engages a reader's attention.  One
actually wants to know whether the young Count is ever going to receive
consolation for his sorrows and inflict justice on his basely ungrateful
pensioner.  And when, finally, all turns out as it should, one is amazed
to find how many of the people in the book have helped towards the
designed conclusion.  Not all of them, indeed, nor all of the adventures,
are indispensable, but it is manifest at the end that much, which, for
the time, most readers think irrelevant--such as Don Diego's history--is,
after all, essential.

It has already been said that in Count Fathom Smollett appears to some
extent as a romanticist, and this is another fact which lends interest to
the book.  That he had a powerful imagination is not a surprise.  Any one
versed in Smollett has already seen it in the remarkable situations which
he has put before us in his earlier works.  These do not indicate,
however, that Smollett possessed the imagination which could excite
romantic interest; for in Roderick Random and in Peregrine Pickle, the
wonderful situations serve chiefly to amuse.  In Fathom, however, there
are some designed to excite horror; and one, at least, is eminently
successful.  The hero's night in the wood between Bar-le-duc and Chalons
was no doubt more blood-curdling to our eighteenth-century ancestors than
it is to us, who have become acquainted with scores of similar situations
in the small number of exciting romances which belong to literature, and
in the greater number which do not.  Still, even to-day, a reader, with
his taste jaded by trashy novels, will be conscious of Smollett's power,
and of several thrills, likewise, as he reads about Fathom's experience
in the loft in which the beldame locks him to pass the night.

This situation is melodramatic rather than romantic, as the word is used
technically in application to eighteenth and nineteenth-century
literature.  There is no little in Fathom, however, which is genuinely
romantic in the latter sense.  Such is the imprisonment of the Countess
in the castle-tower, whence she waves her handkerchief to the young
Count, her son and would-be rescuer.  And especially so is the scene in
the church, when Renaldo (the very name is romantic) visits at midnight
the supposed grave of his lady-love.  While he was waiting for the sexton
to open the door, his "soul .  .  .  was wound up to the highest pitch of
enthusiastic sorrow.  The uncommon darkness, .  .  .  the solemn silence,
and lonely situation of the place, conspired with the occasion of his
coming, and the dismal images of his fancy, to produce a real rapture of
gloomy expectation, which the whole world could not have persuaded him to
disappoint.  The clock struck twelve, the owl screeched from the ruined
battlement, the door was opened by the sexton, who, by the light of a
glimmering taper, conducted the despairing lover to a dreary aisle, and
stamped upon the ground with his foot, saying, 'Here the young lady lies
interred.'"

We have here such an amount of the usual romantic machinery of the
"grave-yard" school of poets--that school of which Professor W. L. Phelps
calls Young, in his Night Thoughts, the most "conspicuous exemplar"--that
one is at first inclined to think Smollett poking fun at it.  The
context, however, seems to prove that he was perfectly serious.  It is
interesting, then, as well as surprising, to find traces of the romantic
spirit in his fiction over ten years before Walpole's Castle of Otranto.
It is also interesting to find so much melodramatic feeling in him,
because it makes stronger the connection between him and his
nineteenth-century disciple, Dickens.

From all that I have said, it must not be thought that the usual Smollett
is always, or almost always, absent from Count Fathom.  I have spoken of
the dedication and of the opening chapters as what we might expect from
his pen.  There are, besides, true Smollett strokes in the scenes in the
prison from which Melvil rescues Fathom, and there is a good deal of the
satirical Smollett fun in the description of Fathom's ups and downs,
first as the petted beau, and then as the fashionable doctor.  In
chronicling the latter meteoric career, Smollett had already observed the
peculiarity of his countrymen which Thackeray was fond of harping on in
the next century--"the maxim which universally prevails among the English
people .  .  .  to overlook, .  .  .  on their return to the metropolis,
all the connexions they may have chanced to acquire during their
residence at any of the medical wells.  And this social disposition is
so scrupulously maintained, that two persons who live in the most
intimate correspondence at Bath or Tunbridge, shall, in four-and-twenty
hours .  .  .  meet in St. James's Park, without betraying the least
token of recognition."  And good, too, is the way in which, as Dr. Fathom
goes rapidly down the social hill, he makes excuses for his declining
splendour.  His chariot was overturned "with a hideous crash" at such
danger to himself, "that he did not believe he should ever hazard himself
again in any sort of wheel carriage."  He turned off his men for maids,
because "men servants are generally impudent, lazy, debauched, or
dishonest."  To avoid the din of the street, he shifted his lodgings into
a quiet, obscure court.  And so forth and so on, in the true Smollett
vein.

But, after all, such of the old sparks are struck only occasionally.
Apart from its plot, which not a few nineteenth-century writers of
detective-stories might have improved, The Adventures of Ferdinand Count
Fathom is less interesting for itself than any other piece of fiction
from Smollett's pen.  For a student of Smollett, however, it is highly
interesting as showing the author's romantic, melodramatic tendencies,
and the growth of his constructive technique.

G. H. MAYNADIER






THE ADVENTURES OF FERDINAND COUNT FATHOM




TO DOCTOR ------


You and I, my good friend, have often deliberated on the difficulty of
writing such a dedication as might gratify the self-complacency of a
patron, without exposing the author to the ridicule or censure of the
public; and I think we generally agreed that the task was altogether
impracticable.--Indeed, this was one of the few subjects on which we have
always thought in the same manner.  For, notwithstanding that deference
and regard which we mutually pay to each other, certain it is, we have
often differed, according to the predominancy of those different
passions, which frequently warp the opinion, and perplex the
understanding of the most judicious.

In dedication, as in poetry, there is no medium; for, if any one of the
human virtues be omitted in the enumeration of the patron's good
qualities, the whole address is construed into an affront, and the writer
has the mortification to find his praise prostituted to very little
purpose.

On the other hand, should he yield to the transports of gratitude or
affection, which is always apt to exaggerate, and produce no more than
the genuine effusions of his heart, the world will make no allowance for
the warmth of his passion, but ascribe the praise he bestows to
interested views and sordid adulation.

Sometimes too, dazzled by the tinsel of a character which he has no
opportunity to investigate, he pours forth the homage of his admiration
upon some false Maecenas, whose future conduct gives the lie to his
eulogium, and involves him in shame and confusion of face.  Such was the
fate of a late ingenious author [the Author of the "Seasons"], who was so
often put to the blush for the undeserved incense he had offered in the
heat of an enthusiastic disposition, misled by popular applause, that he
had resolved to retract, in his last will, all the encomiums which he had
thus prematurely bestowed, and stigmatise the unworthy by name--a
laudable scheme of poetical justice, the execution of which was fatally
prevented by untimely death.

Whatever may have been the fate of other dedicators, I, for my own part,
sit down to write this address, without any apprehension of disgrace or
disappointment; because I know you are too well convinced of my affection
and sincerity to repine at what I shall say touching your character and
conduct.  And you will do me the justice to believe, that this public
distinction is a testimony of my particular friendship and esteem.

Not that I am either insensible of your infirmities, or disposed to
conceal them from the notice of mankind.  There are certain foibles which
can only be cured by shame and mortification; and whether or not yours be
of that species, I shall have the comfort to think my best endeavours
were used for your reformation.

Know then, I can despise your pride, while I honour your integrity, and
applaud your taste, while I am shocked at your ostentation.--I have known
you trifling, superficial, and obstinate in dispute; meanly jealous and
awkwardly reserved; rash and haughty in your resentments; and coarse and
lowly in your connexions.  I have blushed at the weakness of your
conversation, and trembled at the errors of your conduct--yet, as I own
you possess certain good qualities, which overbalance these defects, and
distinguish you on this occasion as a person for whom I have the most
perfect attachment and esteem, you have no cause to complain of the
indelicacy with which your faults are reprehended.  And as they are
chiefly the excesses of a sanguine disposition and looseness of thought,
impatient of caution or control, you may, thus stimulated, watch over
your own intemperance and infirmity with redoubled vigilance and
consideration, and for the future profit by the severity of my reproof.

These, however, are not the only motives that induce me to trouble you
with this public application.  I must not only perform my duty to my
friends, but also discharge the debt I owe to my own interest.  We live
in a censorious age; and an author cannot take too much precaution to
anticipate the prejudice, misapprehension, and temerity of malice,
ignorance, and presumption.

I therefore think it incumbent upon me to give some previous intimation
of the plan which I have executed in the subsequent performance, that I
may not be condemned upon partial evidence; and to whom can I with more
propriety appeal in my explanation than to you, who are so well
acquainted with all the sentiments and emotions of my breast?

A novel is a large diffused picture, comprehending the characters of
life, disposed in different groups, and exhibited in various attitudes,
for the purposes of an uniform plan, and general occurrence, to which
every individual figure is subservient.  But this plan cannot be executed
with propriety, probability, or success, without a principal personage to
attract the attention, unite the incidents, unwind the clue of the
labyrinth, and at last close the scene, by virtue of his own importance.

Almost all the heroes of this kind, who have hitherto succeeded on the
English stage, are characters of transcendent worth, conducted through
the vicissitudes of fortune, to that goal of happiness, which ever ought
to be the repose of extraordinary desert.--Yet the same principle by
which we rejoice at the remuneration of merit, will teach us to relish
the disgrace and discomfiture of vice, which is always an example of
extensive use and influence, because it leaves a deep impression of
terror upon the minds of those who were not confirmed in the pursuit of
morality and virtue, and, while the balance wavers, enables the right
scale to preponderate.

In the drama, which is a more limited field of invention, the chief
personage is often the object of our detestation and abhorrence; and we
are as well pleased to see the wicked schemes of a Richard blasted, and
the perfidy of a Maskwell exposed, as to behold a Bevil happy, and an
Edward victorious.

The impulses of fear, which is the most violent and interesting of all
the passions, remain longer than any other upon the memory; and for one
that is allured to virtue, by the contemplation of that peace and
happiness which it bestows, a hundred are deterred from the practice of
vice, by that infamy and punishment to which it is liable, from the laws
and regulations of mankind.

Let me not, therefore, be condemned for having chosen my principal
character from the purlieus of treachery and fraud, when I declare my
purpose is to set him up as a beacon for the benefit of the unexperienced
and unwary, who, from the perusal of these memoirs, may learn to avoid
the manifold snares with which they are continually surrounded in the
paths of life; while those who hesitate on the brink of iniquity may be
terrified from plunging into that irremediable gulf, by surveying the
deplorable fate of Ferdinand Count Fathom.

That the mind might not be fatigued, nor the imagination disgusted, by a
succession of vicious objects, I have endeavoured to refresh the
attention with occasional incidents of a different nature; and raised up
a virtuous character, in opposition to the adventurer, with a view to
amuse the fancy, engage the affection, and form a striking contrast which
might heighten the expression, and give a relief to the moral of the
whole.

If I have not succeeded in my endeavours to unfold the mysteries of
fraud, to instruct the ignorant, and entertain the vacant; if I have
failed in my attempts to subject folly to ridicule, and vice to
indignation; to rouse the spirit of mirth, wake the soul of compassion,
and touch the secret springs that move the heart; I have, at least,
adorned virtue with honour and applause, branded iniquity with reproach
and shame, and carefully avoided every hint or expression which could
give umbrage to the most delicate reader--circumstances which (whatever
may be my fate with the public) will with you always operate
in favour of,

Dear sir, your very affectionate friend and servant,

THE AUTHOR.




CHAPTER ONE

SOME SAGE OBSERVATIONS THAT NATURALLY INTRODUCE OUR IMPORTANT HISTORY.


Cardinal de Retz very judiciously observes, that all historians must of
necessity be subject to mistakes, in explaining the motives of those
actions they record, unless they derive their intelligence from the
candid confession of the person whose character they represent; and that,
of consequence, every man of importance ought to write his own memoirs,
provided he has honesty enough to tell the truth, without suppressing any
circumstance that may tend to the information of the reader.  This,
however, is a requisite that, I am afraid, would be very rarely found
among the number of those who exhibit their own portraits to the public.
Indeed, I will venture to say, that, how upright soever a man's
intentions may be, he will, in the performance of such a task, be
sometimes misled by his own phantasy, and represent objects, as they
appeared to him, through the mists of prejudice and passion.

An unconcerned reader, when he peruses the history of two competitors,
who lived two thousand years ago, or who perhaps never had existence,
except in the imagination of the author, cannot help interesting himself
in the dispute, and espousing one side of the contest, with all the zeal
of a warm adherent.  What wonder, then, that we should be heated in our
own concerns, review our actions with the same self-approbation that they
had formerly acquired, and recommend them to the world with all the
enthusiasm of paternal affection?

Supposing this to be the case, it was lucky for the cause of historical
truth, that so many pens have been drawn by writers, who could not be
suspected of such partiality; and that many great personages, among the
ancients as well as moderns, either would not or could not entertain the
public with their own memoirs.  From this want of inclination or capacity
to write, in our hero himself, the undertaking is now left to me, of
transmitting to posterity the remarkable adventures of FERDINAND COUNT
FATHOM; and by the time the reader shall have glanced over the subsequent
sheets, I doubt not but he will bless God that the adventurer was not his
own historian.

This mirror of modern chivalry was none of those who owe their dignity to
the circumstances of their birth, and are consecrated from the cradle for
the purposes of greatness, merely because they are the accidental
children of wealth.  He was heir to no visible patrimony, unless we
reckon a robust constitution, a tolerable appearance, and an uncommon
capacity, as the advantages of inheritance.  If the comparison obtains in
this point of consideration, he was as much as any man indebted to his
parent; and pity it was, that, in the sequel of his fortune, he never had
an opportunity of manifesting his filial gratitude and regard.  From this
agreeable act of duty to his sire, and all those tendernesses that are
reciprocally enjoyed betwixt the father and the son, he was unhappily
excluded by a small circumstance; at which, however, he was never heard
to repine.  In short, had he been brought forth in the fabulous ages of
the world, the nature of his origin might have turned to his account; he
might, like other heroes of antiquity, have laid claim to divine
extraction, without running the risk of being claimed by an earthly
father.  Not that his parents had any reason to disown or renounce their
offspring, or that there was anything preternatural in the circumstances
of his generation and birth; on the contrary, he was, from the beginning,
a child of promising parts, and in due course of nature ushered into the
world amidst a whole cloud of witnesses.  But, that he was acknowledged
by no mortal sire, solely proceeded from the uncertainty of his mother,
whose affections were so dissipated among a number of admirers, that she
could never pitch upon the person from whose loins our hero sprung.

Over and above this important doubt under which he was begotten, other
particularities attended his birth, and seemed to mark him out as
something uncommon among the sons of men.  He was brought forth in a
waggon, and might be said to be literally a native of two different
countries; for, though he first saw the light in Holland, he was not born
till after the carriage arrived in Flanders; so that, all these
extraordinary circumstances considered, the task of determining to what
government he naturally owed allegiance, would be at least as difficult
as that of ascertaining the so much contested birthplace of Homer.

Certain it is, the Count's mother was an Englishwoman, who, after having
been five times a widow in one campaign, was, in the last year of the
renowned Marlborough's command, numbered among the baggage of the allied
army, which she still accompanied, through pure benevolence of spirit,
supplying the ranks with the refreshing streams of choice Geneva, and
accommodating individuals with clean linen, as the emergency of their
occasions required.  Nor was her philanthropy altogether confined to such
ministration; she abounded with "the milk of human kindness," which
flowed plentifully among her fellow-creatures; and to every son of Mars
who cultivated her favour, she liberally dispensed her smiles, in order
to sweeten the toils and dangers of the field.

And here it will not be amiss to anticipate the remarks of the reader,
who, in the chastity and excellency of his conception, may possibly
exclaim, "Good Heaven! will these authors never reform their
imaginations, and lift their ideas from the obscene objects of low life?
Must the public be again disgusted with the grovelling adventures of a
waggon?  Will no writer of genius draw his pen in the vindication of
taste, and entertain us with the agreeable characters, the dignified
conversation, the poignant repartee, in short, the genteel comedy of the
polite world?"

Have a little patience, gentle, delicate, sublime critic; you, I doubt
not, are one of those consummate connoisseurs, who, in their
purifications, let humour evaporate, while they endeavour to preserve
decorum, and polish wit, until the edge of it is quite worn off.  Or,
perhaps, of that class, who, in the sapience of taste, are disgusted with
those very flavours in the productions of their own country which have
yielded infinite delectation to their faculties, when imported from
another clime; and d--n an author in despite of all precedent and
prescription;--who extol the writings of Petronius Arbiter, read with
rapture the amorous sallies of Ovid's pen, and chuckle over the story of
Lucian's ass; yet, if a modern author presumes to relate the progress of
a simple intrigue, are shocked at the indecency and immorality of the
scene;--who delight in following Guzman d'Alfarache, through all the
mazes of squalid beggary; who with pleasure accompany Don Quixote and his
squire, in the lowest paths of fortune; who are diverted with the
adventures of Scarron's ragged troop of strollers, and highly entertained
with the servile situations of Gil Blas; yet, when a character in humble
life occasionally occurs in a performance of our own growth, exclaim,
with an air of disgust, "Was ever anything so mean! sure, this writer
must have been very conversant with the lowest scenes of life";--who,
when Swift or Pope represents a coxcomb in the act of swearing, scruple
not to laugh at the ridiculous execrations; but, in a less reputed
author, condemn the use of such profane expletives;--who eagerly explore
the jakes of Rabelais, for amusement, and even extract humour from the
dean's description of a lady's dressing-room; yet in a production of
these days, unstamped with such venerable names, will stop their noses,
with all the signs of loathing and abhorrence, at a bare mention of the
china chamber-pot;--who applauded Catullus, Juvenal, Persius, and Lucan,
for their spirit in lashing the greatest names of antiquity; yet, when a
British satirist, of this generation, has courage enough to call in
question the talents of a pseudo-patron in power, accuse him of
insolence, rancour, and scurrility.

If such you be, courteous reader, I say again, have a little patience;
for your entertainment we are about to write.  Our hero shall, with all
convenient despatch, be gradually sublimed into those splendid connexions
of which you are enamoured; and God forbid, that, in the meantime, the
nature of his extraction should turn to his prejudice in a land of
freedom like this, where individuals are every day ennobled in
consequence of their own qualifications, without the least retrospective
regard to the rank or merit of their ancestors.  Yes, refined reader, we
are hastening to that goal of perfection, where satire dares not show her
face; where nature is castigated, almost even to still life; where humour
turns changeling, and slavers in an insipid grin; where wit is
volatilised into a mere vapour; where decency, divested of all substance,
hovers about like a fantastic shadow; where the salt of genius, escaping,
leaves nothing but pure and simple phlegm; and the inoffensive pen for
ever drops the mild manna of soul-sweetening praise.




CHAPTER TWO

A SUPERFICIAL VIEW OF OUR HERO'S INFANCY.


Having thus bespoken the indulgence of our guests, let us now produce the
particulars of our entertainment, and speedily conduct our adventurer
through the stage of infancy, which seldom teems with interesting
incidents.

As the occupations of his mother would not conveniently permit her to
suckle this her firstborn at her own breast, and those happy ages were
now no more, in which the charge of nursing a child might be left to the
next goat or she-wolf, she resolved to improve upon the ordinances of
nature, and foster him with a juice much more energetic than the milk of
goat, wolf, or woman; this was no other than that delicious nectar,
which, as we have already hinted, she so cordially distributed from a
small cask that hung before her, depending from her shoulders by a
leathern zone.  Thus determined, ere he was yet twelve days old, she
enclosed him in a canvas knapsack, which being adjusted to her neck, fell
down upon her back, and balanced the cargo that rested on her bosom.

There are not wanting those who affirm, that, while her double charge was
carried about in this situation, her keg was furnished with a long and
slender flexible tube, which, when the child began to be clamorous, she
conveyed into his mouth, and straight he stilled himself with sucking;
but this we consider as an extravagant assertion of those who mix the
marvellous in all their narrations, because we cannot conceive how the
tender organs of an infant could digest such a fiery beverage, which
never fails to discompose the constitutions of the most hardy and robust.
We therefore conclude that the use of this potation was more restrained,
and that it was with simple element diluted into a composition adapted to
his taste and years.  Be this as it will, he certainly was indulged in
the use of it to such a degree as would have effectually obstructed his
future fortune, had not he been happily cloyed with the repetition of the
same fare, for which he conceived the utmost detestation and abhorrence,
rejecting it with loathing and disgust, like those choice spirits, who,
having been crammed with religion in their childhood, renounce it in
their youth, among other absurd prejudices of education.

While he was thus dangled in a state of suspension, a German trooper was
transiently smit with the charms of his mother, who listened to his
honourable addresses, and once more received the silken bonds of
matrimony; the ceremony having been performed as usual at the drum-head.
The lady had no sooner taken possession of her new name, than she
bestowed it upon her son, who was thenceforward distinguished by the
appellation of Ferdinand de Fadom; nor was the husband offended at this
presumption in his wife, which he not only considered as a proof of her
affection and esteem, but also as a compliment, by which he might in time
acquire the credit of being the real father of such a hopeful child.

Notwithstanding this new engagement with a foreigner, our hero's mother
still exercised the virtues of her calling among the English troops, so
much was she biassed by that laudable partiality, which, as Horace
observes, the natale solum generally inspires.  Indeed this inclination
was enforced by another reason, that did not fail to influence her
conduct in this particular; all her knowledge of the High Dutch language
consisted in some words of traffic absolutely necessary for the practice
of hex vocation, together with sundry oaths and terms of reproach, that
kept her customers in awe; so that, except among her own countrymen, she
could not indulge that propensity to conversation, for which she had been
remarkable from her earliest years.  Nor did this instance of her
affection fail of turning to her account in the sequel.  She was promoted
to the office of cook to a regimental mess of officers; and, before the
peace of Utrecht, was actually in possession of a suttling-tent, pitched
for the accommodation of the gentlemen in the army.

Meanwhile, Ferdinand improved apace in the accomplishments of infancy;
his beauty was conspicuous, and his vigour so uncommon, that he was
with justice likened unto Hercules in the cradle.  The friends of his
father-in-law dandled him on their knees, while he played with their
whiskers, and, before he was thirteen months old, taught him to suck
brandy impregnated with gunpowder, through the touch-hole of a pistol.
At the same time, he was caressed by divers serjeants of the British
army, who severally and in secret contemplated his qualifications with a
father's pride, excited by the artful declaration with which the mother
had flattered each apart.

Soon as the war was (for her unhappily) concluded, she, as in duty bound,
followed her husband into Bohemia; and his regiment being sent into
garrison at Prague, she opened a cabaret in that city, which was
frequented by a good many guests of the Scotch and Irish nations, who
were devoted to the exercise of arms in the service of the Emperor.  It
was by this communication that the English tongue became vernacular to
young Ferdinand, who, without such opportunity, would have been a
stranger to the language of his forefathers, in spite of all his mother's
loquacity and elocution; though it must be owned, for the credit of her
maternal care, that she let slip no occasion of making it familiar to his
ear and conception; for, even at those intervals in which she could find
no person to carry on the altercation, she used to hold forth in earnest
soliloquies upon the subject of her own situation, giving vent to many
opprobrious invectives against her husband's country, between which and
Old England she drew many odious comparisons; and prayed, without
ceasing, that Europe might speedily be involved in a general war, so as
that she might have some chance of re-enjoying the pleasures and
emoluments of a Flanders campaign.




CHAPTER THREE

HE IS INITIATED IN A MILITARY LIFE, AND HAS THE GOOD FORTUNE TO ACQUIRE A
GENEROUS PATRON.

While she wearied Heaven with these petitions, the flame of war broke out
betwixt the houses of Ottoman and Austria, and the Emperor sent forth an
army into Hungary, under the auspices of the renowned Prince Eugene.  On
account of this expedition, the mother of our hero gave up housekeeping,
and cheerfully followed her customers and husband into the field; having
first provided herself with store of those commodities in which she had
formerly merchandised.  Although the hope of profit might in some measure
affect her determination, one of the chief motives for her visiting the
frontiers of Turkey, was the desire of initiating her son in the
rudiments of his education, which she now thought high time to inculcate,
he being, at this period, in the sixth year of his age; he was
accordingly conducted to the camp, which she considered as the most
consummate school of life, and proposed for the scene of his instruction;
and in this academy he had not continued many weeks, when he was an
eye-witness of that famous victory, which, with sixty thousand men, the
Imperial general obtained over an army of one hundred and fifty thousand
Turks.

His father-in-law was engaged, and his mother would not be idle on this
occasion.  She was a perfect mistress of all the camp qualifications, and
thought it a duty incumbent on her to contribute all that lay in her
power towards distressing the enemy.  With these sentiments she hovered
about the skirts of the army, and the troops were no sooner employed in
the pursuit, than she began to traverse the field of battle with a
poignard and a bag, in order to consult her own interest, annoy the foe,
and exercise her humanity at the same time.  In short, she had, with
amazing prowess, delivered some fifty or threescore disabled Mussulmen of
the pain under which they groaned, and made a comfortable booty of the
spoils of the slain, when her eyes were attracted by the rich attire of
an Imperial officer, who lay bleeding on the plain, to all appearance in
the agonies of death.

She could not in her heart refuse that favour to a friend and Christian
she had so compassionately bestowed upon so many enemies and infidels,
and therefore drew near with the sovereign remedy, which she had already
administered with such success.  As she approached this deplorable object
of pity, her ears were surprised with an ejaculation in the English
tongue, which he fervently pronounced, though with a weak and languid
voice, recommending his soul to God, and his family to the protection of
Heaven.  Our Amazon's purpose was staggered by this providential
incident; the sound of her native language, so unexpectedly heard, and so
pathetically delivered, had a surprising effect upon her imagination; and
the faculty of reflection did not forsake her in such emergency.  Though
she could not recollect the features of this unhappy officer, she
concluded, from his appearance, that he was some person of distinction in
the service, and foresaw greater advantage to herself in attempting to
preserve his life, than she could possibly reap from the execution of her
first resolve.  "If," said she to herself, "I can find means of conveying
him to his tent alive, he cannot but in conscience acknowledge my
humanity with some considerable recompense; and, should he chance to
survive his wounds, I have everything to expect from his gratitude and
power."

Fraught with these prudential suggestions, she drew near the unfortunate
stranger, and, in a softened accent of pity and condolence, questioned
him concerning his name, condition, and the nature of his mischance, at
the same time making a gentle tender of her service.  Agreeably surprised
to hear himself accosted in such a manner, by a person whose equipage
seemed to promise far other designs, he thanked her in the most grateful
terms for her humanity, with the appellation of kind countrywoman; gave
her to understand that he was colonel of a regiment of horse; that he had
fallen in consequence of a shot he received in his breast at the
beginning of the action; and, finally, entreated her to procure some
carriage on which he might be removed to his tent.  Perceiving him faint
and exhausted with loss of blood, she raised up his head, and treated him
with that cordial which was her constant companion.  At that instant,
espying a small body of hussars returning to the camp with the plunder
they had taken, she invoked their assistance, and they forthwith carried
the officer to his own quarters, where his wound was dressed, and his
preserver carefully tended him until his recovery was completed.

In return for these good offices, this gentleman, who was originally of
Scotland, rewarded her for the present with great liberality, assured her
of his influence in promoting her husband, and took upon himself the
charge of young Ferdinand's education; the boy was immediately taken into
his protection, and entered as a trooper in his own regiment; but his
good intentions towards his father-in-law were frustrated by the death of
the German, who, in a few days after this disposition, was shot in the
trenches before Temiswaer.

This event, over and above the conjugal affliction with which it invaded
the lady's quiet, would have involved her in infinite difficulty and
distress, with regard to her temporal concerns, by leaving her
unprotected in the midst of strangers, had not she been thus
providentially supplied with an effectual patron in the colonel, who was
known by the appellation of Count Melvil.  He no sooner saw her, by the
death of her husband, detached from all personal connexions with a
military life, than he proposed that she should quit her occupation in
the camp, and retire to his habitation in the city of Presburg, where she
would be entertained in ease and plenty during the remaining part of her
natural life.  With all due acknowledgments of his generosity, she begged
to be excused from embracing his proposal, alleging she was so much
accustomed to her present way of life, and so much devoted to the service
of the soldiery, that she should never be happy in retirement, while the
troops of any prince in Christendom kept the field.

The Count, finding her determined to prosecute her scheme, repeated his
promise of befriending her upon all occasions; and in the meantime
admitted Ferdinand into the number of his domestics, resolving that he
should be brought up in attendance upon his own son, who was a boy of the
same age.  He kept him, however, in his tent, until he should have an
opportunity of revisiting his family in person; and, before that occasion
offered, two whole years elapsed, during which the illustrious Prince
Eugene gained the celebrated battle of Belgrade, and afterwards made
himself master of that important frontier.




CHAPTER FOUR

HIS MOTHER'S PROWESS AND DEATH; TOGETHER WITH SOME INSTANCES OF HIS OWN
SAGACITY.


It would have been impossible for the mother of our adventurer, such as
she hath been described, to sit quietly in her tent, while such an heroic
scene was acting.  She was no sooner apprised of the general's intention
to attack the enemy, than she, as usual, packed up her moveables in a
waggon, which she committed to the care of a peasant in the
neighbourhood, and put herself in motion with the troops; big with the
expectation of re-acting that part in which she had formerly acquitted
herself so much to her advantage.--Nay, she by this time looked upon her
own presence as a certain omen of success to the cause which she
espoused; and, in their march to battle, actually encouraged the ranks
with repeated declarations, importing, that she had been eye-witness of
ten decisive engagements, in all of which her friends had been
victorious, and imputing such uncommon good fortune to some supernatural
quality inherent in her person.

Whether or not this confidence contributed to the fortune of the day, by
inspiring the soldiers to an uncommon pitch of courage and resolution, I
shall not pretend to determine.  But, certain it is, the victory began
from that quarter in which she had posted herself; and no corps in the
army behaved with such intrepidity as that which was manifested by those
who were favoured with her admonitions and example; for she not only
exposed her person to the enemy's fire, with the indifference and
deliberation of a veteran, but she is said to have achieved a very
conspicuous exploit by the prowess of her single arm.  The extremity of
the line to which she had attached herself, being assaulted in flank by a
body of the spahis, wheeled about, in order to sustain the charge, and
received them with such a seasonable fire, as brought a great number of
turbans to the ground; among those who fell, was one of the chiefs or
agas, who had advanced before the rest, with a view to signalise his
valour.

Our English Penthesilea no sooner saw this Turkish leader drop, than,
struck with the magnificence of his own and horse's trappings, she sprung
forward to seize them as her prize, and found the aga not dead, though in
a good measure disabled by his misfortune, which was entirely owing to
the weight of his horse, that, having been killed by a musket-ball, lay
upon his leg, so that he could not disengage himself.  Nevertheless,
perceiving the virago approach with fell intent, he brandished his
symitar, and tried to intimidate his assailant with a most horrible
exclamation; but it was not the dismal yell of a dismounted cavalier,
though enforced with a hideous ferocity of countenance, and the menacing
gestures with which he waited her approach, that could intimidate such an
undaunted she-campaigner; she saw him writhing in the agonies of a
situation from which he could not move; and, running towards him with the
nimbleness and intrepidity of a Camilla, described a semicircle in the
progress of her assault, and attacking him on one side, plunged her
well-tried dagger in his throat.  The shades of death encompassed him,
his life-blood issued at the wound, he fell prone upon the earth, he bit
the dust, and having thrice invoked the name of Allah! straight expired.

While his destiny was thus fulfilled, his followers began to reel; they
seemed dismayed at the fate of their chief, beheld their companions drop
like the leaves in autumn, and suddenly halted in the midst of their
career.  The Imperialists, observing the confusion of the enemy,
redoubled their fire; and, raising a dreadful shout, advanced in order to
improve the advantage they had gained.  The spahis durst not wait the
shock of such an encounter; they wheeled to the right-about, and clapping
spurs to their horses, fled in the utmost disorder.  This was actually
the circumstance that turned the scale of battle.  The Austrians pursued
their good fortune with uncommon impetuosity, and in a few minutes left
the field clear for the mother of our hero, who was such an adept in the
art of stripping, that in the twinkling of an eye the bodies of the aga
and his Arabian lay naked to the skin.  It would have been happy for her,
had she been contented with these first-fruits, reaped from the fortune
of the day, and retired with her spoils, which were not inconsiderable;
but, intoxicated with the glory she had won, enticed by the glittering
caparisons that lay scattered on the plain, and without doubt prompted by
the secret instinct of her fate, she resolved to seize opportunity by the
forelock, and once for all indemnify herself for the many fatigues,
hazards, and sorrows she had undergone.

Thus determined, she reconnoitred the field, and practised her address so
successfully, that in less than half an hour she was loaded with ermine
and embroidery, and disposed to retreat with her burden, when her regards
were solicited by a splendid bundle, which she descried at some distance
lying on the ground.  This was no other than an unhappy officer of
hussars; who, after having the good fortune to take a Turkish standard,
was desperately wounded in the thigh, and obliged to quit his horse;
finding himself in such a helpless condition, he had wrapped his
acquisition round his body, that whatever might happen, he and his glory
should not be parted; and thus shrouded, among the dying and the dead, he
had observed the progress of our heroine, who stalked about the field,
like another Atropos, finishing, wherever she came, the work of death.
He did not at all doubt, that he himself would be visited in the course
of her peregrinations, and therefore provided for her reception, with a
pistol ready cocked in his hand, while he lay perdue beneath his covert,
in all appearance bereft of life.  He was not deceived in his prognostic;
she no sooner eyed the golden crescent than, inflamed with curiosity or
cupidity, she directed thitherward her steps, and discerning the carcase
of a man, from which, she thought, there would be a necessity for
disengaging it, she lifted up her weapon, in order to make sure of her
purchase; and in the very instant of discharging her blow, received a
brace of bullets in her brain.

Thus ended the mortal pilgrimage of this modern Amazon; who, in point of
courage, was not inferior to Semiramis, Tomyris, Zenobia, Thalestris, or
any boasted heroine of ancient times.  It cannot be supposed that this
catastrophe made a very deep impression upon the mind of young Ferdinand,
who had just then attained the ninth year of his age, and been for a
considerable time weaned from her maternal caresses; especially as he
felt no wants nor grievances in the family of the Count, who favoured him
with a particular share of indulgence, because he perceived in him a
spirit of docility, insinuation, and sagacity, far above his years.  He
did not, however, fail to lament the untimely fate of his mother, with
such filial expressions of sorrow, as still more intimately recommended
him to his patron; who, being himself a man of extraordinary benevolence,
looked upon the boy as a prodigy of natural affection, and foresaw in his
future services a fund of gratitude and attachment, that could not fail
to render him a valuable acquisition to his family.

In his own country, he had often seen connexions of that sort, which
having been planted in the infancy of the adherent, had grown up to a
surprising pitch of fidelity and friendship, that no temptation could
bias, and no danger dissolve.  He therefore rejoiced in the hope of
seeing his own son accommodated with such a faithful attendant, in the
person of young Fathom, on whom he resolved to bestow the same education
he had planned for the other, though conveyed in such a manner as should
be suitable to the sphere in which he was ordained to move.  In
consequence of these determinations, our young adventurer led a very easy
life, in quality of page to the Count, in whose tent he lay upon a
pallet, close to his field-bed, and often diverted him with his childish
prattle in the English tongue, which the more seldom his master had
occasion to speak, he the more delighted to hear.  In the exercise of his
function, the boy was incredibly assiduous and alert; far from neglecting
the little particulars of his duty, and embarking in the mischievous
amusements of the children belonging to the camp, he was always diligent,
sedate, agreeably officious and anticipating; and in the whole of his
behaviour seemed to express the most vigilant sense of his patron's
goodness and generosity; nay, to such a degree had these sentiments, in
all appearance, operated upon his reflection, that one morning, while he
supposed the Count asleep, he crept softly to his bedside, and gently
kissing his hand, which happened to be uncovered, pronounced, in a low
voice, a most fervent prayer in his behalf, beseeching Heaven to shower
down blessings upon him, as the widow's friend and the orphan's father.
This benediction was not lost upon the Count, who chanced to be awake,
and heard it with admiration; but what riveted Ferdinand in his good
graces, was a discovery that our youth made, while his master was upon
duty in the trenches before Belgrade.

Two foot soldiers, standing sentry near the door of the tent, were
captivated with the sight of some valuable moveables belonging to it; and
supposing, in their great wisdom, that the city of Belgrade was too well
fortified to be taken during that campaign, they came to a resolution of
withdrawing themselves from the severe service of the trenches, by
deserting to the enemy, after they should have rifled Count Melvil's tent
of the furniture by which they were so powerfully allured.  The
particulars of this plan were concerted in the French language, which,
they imagined, would screen them from all risk of being detected, in case
they should be overheard, though, as there was no living creature in
sight, they had no reason to believe that any person was privy to their
conversation.  Nevertheless, they were mistaken in both these
conjectures.  The conference reached the ears of Fathom, who was at the
other end of the tent, and had perceived the eager looks with which they
considered some parts of the furniture.  He had penetration enough to
suspect their desire, and, alarmed by that suspicion, listened
attentively to their discourse; which, from a slender knowledge in the
French tongue, he had the good fortune partly to understand.

This important piece of intelligence he communicated to the Count at his
return, and measures were immediately taken to defeat the design, and
make an example of the authors, who being permitted to load themselves
with the booty, were apprehended in their retreat, and punished with
death according to their demerits.




CHAPTER FIVE

A BRIEF DETAIL OF HIS EDUCATION.


Nothing could have more seasonably happened to confirm the good opinion
which the colonel entertained of Ferdinand's principles.  His intentions
towards the boy grew every day more and more warm; and, immediately after
the peace of Passarowitz, he retired to his own house at Presburg, and
presented young Fathom to his lady, not only as the son of a person to
whom he owed his life, but also as a lad who merited his peculiar
protection and regard by his own personal virtue.  The Countess, who was
an Hungarian, received him with great kindness and affability, and her
son was ravished with the prospect of enjoying such a companion.  In
short, fortune seemed to have provided for him an asylum, in which he
might be safely trained up, and suitably prepared for more important
scenes of life than any of his ancestors had ever known.

He was not, in all respects, entertained on the footing of his young
master; yet he shared in all his education and amusements, as one whom
the old gentleman was fully determined to qualify for the station of an
officer in the service; and, if he did not eat with the Count, he was
every day regaled with choice bits from his table; holding, as it were, a
middle place between the rank of a relation and favourite domestic.
Although his patron maintained a tutor in the house, to superintend the
conduct of his heir, he committed the charge of his learning to the
instructions of a public school; where he imagined the boy would imbibe a
laudable spirit of emulation among his fellows, which could not fail of
turning out to the advantage of his education.  Ferdinand was entered in
the same academy; and the two lads proceeded equally in the paths of
erudition; a mutual friendship and intimacy soon ensued, and,
notwithstanding the levity and caprice commonly discernible in the
behaviour of such boys, very few or rather no quarrels happened in the
course of their communication.  Yet their dispositions were altogether
different, and their talents unlike.  Nay, this dissimilarity was the
very bond of their union; because it prevented that jealousy and
rivalship which often interrupts the harmony of two warm contemporaries.

The young Count made extraordinary progress in the exercises of the
school, though he seemed to take very little pains in the cultivation of
his studies; and became a perfect hero in all the athletic diversions of
his fellow-scholars; but, at the same time, exhibited such a bashful
appearance and uncouth address, that his mother despaired of ever seeing
him improved into any degree of polite behaviour.  On the other hand,
Fathom, who was in point of learning a mere dunce, became, even in his
childhood, remarkable among the ladies for his genteel deportment and
vivacity; they admired the proficiency he made under the directions of
his dancing-master, the air with which he performed his obeisance at his
entrance and exit; and were charmed with the agreeable assurance and
lively sallies of his conversation; while they expressed the utmost
concern and disgust at the boorish demeanour of his companion, whose
extorted bows resembled the pawings of a mule, who hung his head in
silence like a detected sheep-stealer, who sat in company under the most
awkward expressions of constraint, and whose discourse never exceeded the
simple monosyllables of negation and assent.

In vain did all the females of the family propose to him young Fathom, as
a pattern and reproach.  He remained unaltered by all their efforts and
expostulations, and allowed our adventurer to enjoy the triumph of his
praise, while he himself was conscious of his own superiority in those
qualifications which seemed of more real importance than the mere
exteriors and forms of life.  His present ambition was not to make a
figure at his father's table, but to eclipse his rivals at school, and to
acquire an influence and authority among these confederates.
Nevertheless, Fathom might possibly have fallen under his displeasure or
contempt, had not that pliant genius found means to retain his friendship
by seasonable compliances and submission; for the sole study, or at least
the chief aim of Ferdinand, was to make himself necessary and agreeable
to those on whom his dependence was placed.  His talent was in this
particular suited to his inclination; he seemed to have inherited it from
his mother's womb; and, without all doubt, would have raised upon it a
most admirable superstructure of fortune and applause, had not it been
inseparably yoked with a most insidious principle of self-love, that grew
up with him from the cradle, and left no room in his heart for the least
particle of social virtue.  This last, however, he knew so well how to
counterfeit, by means of a large share of ductility and dissimulation,
that, surely, he was calculated by nature to dupe even the most cautious,
and gratify his appetites, by levying contributions on all mankind.

So little are the common instructors of youth qualified to judge the
capacities of those who are under their tutelage and care, that Fathom,
by dint of his insinuating arts, made shift to pass upon the schoolmaster
as a lad of quick parts, in despite of a natural inaptitude to retain his
lessons, which all his industry could never overcome.  In order to
remedy, or rather to cloak this defect in his understanding, he had
always recourse to the friendship of the young Count, who freely
permitted him to transcribe his exercises, until a small accident
happened, which had well-nigh put a stop to these instances of his
generosity.--The adventure, inconsiderable as it is, we shall record, as
the first overt act of Ferdinand's true character, as well as an
illustration of the opinion we have advanced touching the blind and
injudicious decisions of a right pedagogue.

Among other tasks imposed by the pedant upon the form to which our two
companions belonged, they were one evening ordered to translate a chapter
of Caesar's Commentaries.  Accordingly the young Count went to work, and
performed the undertaking with great elegance and despatch.  Fathom,
having spent the night in more effeminate amusements, was next morning so
much hurried for want of time, that in his transcription he neglected to
insert a few variations from the text, these being the terms on which he
was allowed to use it; so that it was verbatim a copy of the original.
As those exercises were always delivered in a heap, subscribed with the
several names of the boys to whom they belonged, the schoolmaster chanced
to peruse the version of Ferdinand, before he looked into any of the
rest, and could not help bestowing upon it particular marks of
approbation.  The next that fell under his examination was that of the
young Count, when he immediately perceived the sameness, and, far from
imputing it to the true cause, upbraided him with having copied the
exercise of our adventurer, and insisted upon chastising him upon the
spot for his want of application.

Had not the young gentleman thought his honour was concerned, he would
have submitted to the punishment without murmuring; but he inherited,
from his parents, the pride of two fierce nations, and, being overwhelmed
with reproaches for that which he imagined ought to have redounded to his
glory, he could not brook the indignity, and boldly affirmed, that he
himself was the original, to whom Ferdinand was beholden for his
performance.  The schoolmaster, nettled to find himself mistaken in his
judgment, resolved that the Count should have no cause to exult in the
discovery he had made, and, like a true flogger, actually whipped him for
having allowed Fathom to copy his exercise.  Nay, in the hope of
vindicating his own penetration, he took an opportunity of questioning
Ferdinand in private concerning the circumstances of the translation, and
our hero, perceiving his drift, gave him such artful and ambiguous
answers, as persuaded him that the young Count had acted the part of a
plagiary, and that the other had been restrained from doing himself
justice, by the consideration of his own dependence.

This profound director did not fail, in honour of his own discernment, to
whisper about the misrepresentation, as an instance of the young Count's
insolence, and Fathom's humility and good sense.  The story was
circulated among the servants, especially the maids belonging to the
family, whose favour our hero had acquired by his engaging behaviour; and
at length it reached the ears of his patron, who, incensed at his son's
presumption and inhospitality, called him to a severe account, when the
young gentleman absolutely denied the truth of the allegation, and
appealed to the evidence of Fathom himself.  Our adventurer was
accordingly summoned by the father, and encouraged to declare the truth,
with an assurance of his constant protection; upon which Ferdinand very
wisely fell upon his knees, and, while the tears gushed from his eyes,
acquitted the young Count of the imputation, and expressed his
apprehension, that the report had been spread by some of his enemies, who
wanted to prejudice him in the opinion of his patron.

The old gentleman was not satisfied of his son's integrity by this
declaration; being naturally of a generous disposition, highly
prepossessed in favour of the poor orphan, and chagrined at the
unpromising appearance of his heir, he suspected that Fathom was overawed
by the fear of giving offence, and that, notwithstanding what he had
said, the case really stood as it had been represented.  In this
persuasion, he earnestly exhorted his son to resist and combat with any
impulse he might feel within himself, tending to selfishness, fraud, or
imposition; to encourage every sentiment of candour and benevolence, and
to behave with moderation and affability to all his fellow-creatures.  He
laid upon him strong injunctions, not without a mixture of threats, to
consider Fathom as the object of his peculiar regard; to respect him as
the son of the Count's preserver, as a Briton, a stranger, and, above
all, an helpless orphan, to whom the rights of hospitality were doubly
due.

Such admonitions were not lost upon the youth, who, under the rough husk
of his personal exhibition, possessed a large share of generous
sensibility.  Without any formal professions to his father, he resolved
to govern himself according to his remonstrances; and, far from
conceiving the least spark of animosity against Fathom, he looked upon
the poor boy as the innocent cause of his disgrace, and redoubled his
kindness towards him, that his honour might never again be called
in question, upon the same subject.  Nothing is more liable to
misconstruction than an act of uncommon generosity; one half of the world
mistake the motive, from want of ideas to conceive an instance of
beneficence that soars so high above the level of their own sentiments;
and the rest suspect it of something sinister or selfish, from the
suggestions of their own sordid and vicious inclinations.  The young
Count subjected himself to such misinterpretation, among those who
observed the increased warmth of civility and complaisance in his
behaviour to Ferdinand.  They ascribed it to his desire of still
profiting by our adventurer's superior talents, by which alone they
supposed him enabled to maintain any degree of reputation at school; or
to the fear of being convicted by him of some misdemeanour of which he
knew himself guilty.  These suspicions were not effaced by the conduct of
Ferdinand, who, when examined on the subject, managed his answers in such
a manner, as confirmed their conjectures, while he pretended to refute
them, and at the same time acquired to himself credit for his
extraordinary discretion and self-denial.

If he exhibited such a proof of sagacity in the twelfth year of his age,
what might not be expected from his finesse in the maturity of his
faculties and experience?  Thus secured in the good graces of the whole
family, he saw the days of his puerility glide along in the most
agreeable elapse of caresses and amusement.  He never fairly plunged into
the stream of school-education, but, by floating on the surface, imbibed
a small tincture of those different sciences which his master pretended
to teach.  In short, he resembled those vagrant swallows that skim along
the level of some pool or river, without venturing to wet one feather in
their wings, except in the accidental pursuit of an inconsiderable fly.
Yet, though his capacity or inclination was unsuited for studies of this
kind, he did not fail to manifest a perfect genius in the acquisition of
other more profitable arts.  Over and above the accomplishments of
address, for which he hath been already celebrated, he excelled all his
fellows in his dexterity at fives and billiards; was altogether
unrivalled in his skill at draughts and backgammon; began, even at these
years, to understand the moves and schemes of chess; and made himself a
mere adept in the mystery of cards, which he learned in the course of his
assiduities and attention to the females of the house.




CHAPTER SIX

HE MEDITATES SCHEMES OF IMPORTANCE.


It was in these parties that he attracted the notice and friendship of
his patron's daughter, a girl by two years older than himself, who was
not insensible to his qualifications, and looked upon him with the most
favourable eyes of prepossession.  Whether or not he at this period of
his life began to project plans for availing himself of her
susceptibility, is uncertain; but, without all doubt, he cultivated her
esteem with as obsequious and submissive attention as if he had already
formed the design, which, in his advanced age, he attempted to put in
execution.

Divers circumstances conspired to promote him in the favour of this young
lady; the greenness of his years secured him from any appearance of
fallacious aim; so that he was indulged in frequent opportunities of
conversing with his young mistress, whose parents encouraged this
communication, by which they hoped she would improve in speaking the
language of her father.  Such connexions naturally produce intimacy and
friendship.  Fathom's person was agreeable, his talents calculated for
the meridian of those parties, and his manners so engaging, that there
would have been no just subject for wonder, had he made an impression
upon the tender unexperienced heart of Mademoiselle de Melvil, whose
beauty was not so attractive as to extinguish his hope, in raising up a
number of formidable rivals; though her expectations of fortune were such
as commonly lend additional lustre to personal merit.

All these considerations were so many steps towards the success of
Ferdinand's pretensions; and though he cannot be supposed to have
perceived them at first, he in the sequel seemed perfectly well apprised
of his advantages, and used them to the full extent of his faculties.
Observing that she delighted in music, he betook himself to the study of
that art, and, by dint of application and a tolerable ear, learned of
himself to accompany her with a German flute, while she sung and played
upon the harpsichord.  The Count, seeing his inclination, and the
progress he had made, resolved that his capacity should not be lost for
want of cultivation; and accordingly provided him with a master, by whom
he was instructed in the principles of the art, and soon became a
proficient in playing upon the violin.

In the practice of these improvements and avocations, and in attendance
upon his young master, whom he took care never to disoblige or neglect,
he attained to the age of sixteen, without feeling the least abatement in
the friendship and generosity of those upon whom he depended; but, on the
contrary, receiving every day fresh marks of their bounty and regard.  He
had before this time been smit with the ambition of making a conquest of
the young lady's heart, and foresaw manifold advantages to himself in
becoming son-in-law to Count Melvil, who, he never doubted, would soon be
reconciled to the match, if once it could be effectuated without his
knowledge.  Although he thought he had great reason to believe that
Mademoiselle looked upon him with an eye of peculiar favour, his
disposition was happily tempered with an ingredient of caution, that
hindered him from acting with precipitation; and he had discerned in the
young lady's deportment certain indications of loftiness and pride, which
kept him in the utmost vigilance and circumspection; for he knew, that,
by a premature declaration, he should run the risk of forfeiting all the
advantages he had gained, and blasting those expectations that now
blossomed so gaily in his heart.

Restricted by these reflections, he acted at a wary distance, and
determined to proceed by the method of sap, and, summoning all his
artifice and attractions to his aid, employed them under the insidious
cover of profound respect, in order to undermine those bulwarks of
haughtiness or discretion, which otherwise might have rendered his
approaches to her impracticable.  With a view to enhance the value of his
company, and sound her sentiments at the same time, he became more
reserved than usual, and seldomer engaged in her parties of music and
cards; yet, in the midst of his reserve, he never failed in those
demonstrations of reverence and regard, which he knew perfectly well how
to express, but devised such excuses for his absence, as she could not
help admitting.  In consequence of this affected shyness, she more than
once gently chid him for his neglect and indifference, observing, with an
ironical air, that he was now too much of a man to be entertained with
such effeminate diversions; but her reproofs were pronounced with too
much ease and good-humour to be agreeable to our hero, who desired to see
her ruffled and chagrined at his absence, and to hear himself rebuked
with an angry affectation of disdain.  This effort, therefore, he
reinforced with the most captivating carriage he could assume, in those
hours which he now so sparingly bestowed upon his mistress.  He regaled
her with all the entertaining stories he could learn or invent,
particularly such as he thought would justify and recommend the levelling
power of love, that knows no distinctions of fortune.  He sung nothing
but tender airs and passionate complaints, composed by desponding or
despairing swains; and, to render his performances of this kind the more
pathetic, interlarded them with some seasonable sighs, while the tears,
which he had ever at command, stood collected in either eye.

It was impossible for her to overlook such studied emotions; she in a
jocose manner taxed him with having lost his heart, rallied the excess of
his passion, and in a merry strain undertook to be an advocate for his
love.  Her behaviour was still wide of his wish and expectation.  He
thought she would, in consequence of her discovery, have betrayed some
interested symptom; that her face would have undergone some favourable
suffusion; that her tongue would have faltered, her breast heaved, and
her whole deportment betokened internal agitation and disorder, in which
case, he meant to profit by the happy impression, and declare himself,
before she could possibly recollect the dictates of her pride.--Baffled
however in his endeavours, by the serenity of the young lady, which he
still deemed equivocal, he had recourse to another experiment, by which
he believed he should make a discovery of her sentiments beyond all
possibility of doubt.  One day, while he accompanied Mademoiselle in her
exercise of music, he pretended all of a sudden to be taken ill, and
counterfeited a swoon in her apartment.  Surprised at this accident, she
screamed aloud, but far from running to his assistance, with the
transports and distraction of a lover, she ordered her maid, who was
present, to support his head, and went in person to call for more help.
He was accordingly removed to his own chamber, where, willing to be still
more certified of her inclinations, he prolonged the farce, and lay
groaning under the pretence of a severe fever.

The whole family was alarmed upon this occasion; for, as we have already
observed, he was an universal favourite.  He was immediately visited by
the old Count and his lady, who expressed the utmost concern at his
distemper, ordered him to be carefully attended, and sent for a physician
without loss of time.  The young gentleman would scarce stir from his
bedside, where he ministered unto him with all the demonstrations of
brotherly affection; and Miss exhorted him to keep up his spirits, with
many expressions of unreserved sympathy and regard.  Nevertheless, he saw
nothing in her behaviour but what might be naturally expected from common
friendship, and a compassionate disposition, and was very much mortified
at his disappointment.

Whether the miscarriage actually affected his constitution, or the doctor
happened to be mistaken in his diagnostics, we shall not pretend to
determine; but the patient was certainly treated secundum artem, and all
his complaints in a little time realised; for the physician, like a true
graduate, had an eye to the apothecary in his prescriptions; and such was
the concern and scrupulous care with which our hero was attended, that
the orders of the faculty were performed with the utmost punctuality.  He
was blooded, vomited, purged, and blistered, in the usual forms (for the
physicians of Hungary are generally as well skilled in the arts of their
occupation as any other leeches under the sun), and swallowed a whole
dispensary of bolusses, draughts, and apozems, by which means he became
fairly delirious in three days, and so untractable, that he could be no
longer managed according to rule; otherwise, in all likelihood, the world
would never have enjoyed the benefit of these adventures.  In short, his
constitution, though unable to cope with two such formidable antagonists
as the doctor and the disease he had conjured up, was no sooner rid of
the one, than it easily got the better of the other; and though
Ferdinand, after all, found his grand aim unaccomplished, his malady was
productive of a consequence, which, though he had not foreseen it, he did
not fail to convert to his own use and advantage.




CHAPTER SEVEN

ENGAGES IN PARTNERSHIP WITH A FEMALE ASSOCIATE, IN ORDER TO PUT HIS
TALENTS IN ACTION.


While he displayed his qualifications in order to entrap the heart of his
young mistress, he had unwittingly enslaved the affections of her maid.
This attendant was also a favourite of the young lady, and, though her
senior by two or three good years at least, unquestionably her superior
in point of personal beauty; she moreover possessed a good stock of
cunning and discernment, and was furnished by nature with a very amorous
complexion.  These circumstances being premised, the reader will not be
surprised to find her smitten by those uncommon qualifications which we
have celebrated in young Fathom.  She had in good sooth long sighed in
secret, under the powerful influence of his charms, and practised upon
him all those little arts, by which a woman strives to attract the
admiration, and ensnare the heart of a man she loves; but all his
faculties were employed upon the plan which he had already projected;
that was the goal of his whole attention, to which all his measures
tended; and whether or not he perceived the impression he had made upon
Teresa, he never gave her the least reason to believe he was conscious of
his victory, until he found himself baffled in his design upon the heart
of her mistress.--She therefore persevered in her distant attempts to
allure him, with the usual coquetries of dress and address, and, in the
sweet hope of profiting by his susceptibility, made shift to suppress her
feelings, and keep her passion within bounds, until his supposed danger
alarmed her fears, and raised such a tumult within her breast, that she
could no longer conceal her love, but gave a loose to her sorrow in the
most immoderate expressions of anguish and affliction, and, while his
delirium lasted, behaved with all the agitation of a despairing
shepherdess.

Ferdinand was, or pretended to be, the last person in the family who
understood the situation of her thoughts; when he perceived her passion,
he entered into deliberation with himself, and tasked his reflection and
foresight, in order to discover how best he might convert this conquest
to his own advantage.  Here, then, that we may neglect no opportunity of
doing justice to our hero, it will be proper to observe, that, howsoever
unapt his understanding might be to receive and retain the usual culture
of the schools, he was naturally a genius self-taught, in point of
sagacity and invention.--He dived into the characters of mankind, with a
penetration peculiar to himself, and, had he been admitted as a pupil in
any political academy, would have certainly become one of the ablest
statesmen in Europe.

Having revolved all the probable consequences of such a connexion, he
determined to prosecute an amour with the lady whose affection he had
subdued; because he hoped to interest her as an auxiliary in his grand
scheme upon Mademoiselle, which he did not as yet think proper to lay
aside; for he was not more ambitious in the plan, than indefatigable in
the prosecution of it.  He knew it would be impossible to execute his
aims upon the Count's daughter under the eye of Teresa, whose natural
discernment would be whetted with jealousy, and who would watch his
conduct, and thwart his progress with all the vigilance and spite of a
slighted maiden.  On the other hand, he did not doubt of being able to
bring her over to his interest, by the influence he had already gained,
or might afterwards acquire over her passions; in which case, she would
effectually espouse his cause, and employ her good offices with her
mistress in his behalf; besides, he was induced by another motive, which,
though secondary, did not fail in this case to have an effect upon his
determination.  He looked upon Teresa with the eyes of appetite, which he
longed to gratify; for he was not at all dead to the instigations of the
flesh, though he had philosophy enough to resist them, when he thought
they interfered with his interest. Here the case was quite different.
His desire happened to be upon the side of his advantage, and therefore,
resolving to indulge it, he no sooner found himself in a condition to
manage such an adventure, than he began to make gradual advances in point
of warmth and particular complacency to the love-sick maid.

He first of all thanked her, in the most grateful terms, for the concern
she had manifested at his distemper, and the kind services he had
received from her during the course of it; he treated her upon all
occasions with unusual affability and regard, assiduously courted her
acquaintance and conversation, and contracted an intimacy that in a
little time produced a declaration of love.  Although her heart was too
much intendered to hold out against all the forms of assault, far from
yielding at discretion, she stood upon honourable terms, with great
obstinacy of punctilio, and, while she owned he was master of her
inclinations, gave him to understand, with a peremptory and resolute air,
that he should never make a conquest of her virtue; observing, that, if
the passion he professed was genuine, he would not scruple to give such a
proof of it as would at once convince her of his sincerity; and that he
could have no just cause to refuse her that satisfaction, she being his
equal in point of birth and situation; for, if he was the companion and
favourite of the young Count, she was the friend and confidant of
Mademoiselle.

He acknowledged the strength of her argument, and that her condescension
was greater than his deserts, but objected against the proposal, as
infinitely prejudicial to the fortunes of them both.  He represented the
state of dependence in which they mutually stood; their utter incapacity
to support one another under the consequences of a precipitate match,
clandestinely made, without the consent and concurrence of their patrons.
He displayed, with great eloquence, all those gay expectations they had
reason to entertain, from that eminent degree of favour which they had
already secured in the family; and set forth, in the most alluring
colours, those enchanting scenes of pleasure they might enjoy in each
other, without that disagreeable consciousness of a nuptial chain,
provided she would be his associate in the execution of a plan which he
had projected for their reciprocal convenience.

Having thus inflamed her love of pleasure and curiosity, he, with great
caution, hinted his design upon the young lady's fortune, and, perceiving
her listening with the most greedy attention, and perfectly ripe for the
conspiracy, he disclosed his intention at full length, assuring her, with
the most solemn protestations of love and attachment, that, could he once
make himself legal possessor of an estate which Mademoiselle inherited by
the will of a deceased aunt, his dear Teresa should reap the happy fruits
of his affluence, and wholly engross his time and attention.

Such a base declaration our hero would not have ventured to make, had he
not implicitly believed the damsel was as great a latitudinarian as
himself, in point of morals and principle; and been well assured, that,
though he should be mistaken in her way of thinking, so far as to be
threatened with a detection of his purpose, he would always have it in
his power to refute her accusation as mere calumny, by the character he
had hitherto maintained, and the circumspection of his future conduct.

He seldom or never erred in his observations on the human heart.  Teresa,
instead of disapproving, relished the plan in general, with
demonstrations of singular satisfaction.  She at once conceived all the
advantageous consequences of such a scheme, and perceived in it only one
flaw, which, however, she did not think incurable.  This defect was no
other than a sufficient bond of union, by which they might be effectually
tied down to their mutual interest.  She foresaw, that, in case Ferdinand
should obtain possession of the prize, he might, with great ease, deny
their contract, and disavow her claim of participation.  She therefore
demanded security, and proposed, as a preliminary of the agreement, that
he should privately take her to wife, with a view to dispel all her
apprehensions of his inconstancy or deceit, as such a previous engagement
would be a check upon his behaviour, and keep him strictly to the letter
of their contract.

He could not help subscribing to the righteousness of this proposal,
which, nevertheless, he would have willingly waived, on the supposition
that they could not possibly be joined in the bands of wedlock with such
secrecy as the nature of the case absolutely required.  This would have
been a difficulty soon removed, had the scene of the transaction been
laid in the metropolis of England, where passengers are plied in the
streets by clergymen, who prostitute their characters and consciences for
hire, in defiance of all decency and law; but in the kingdom of Hungary,
ecclesiastics are more scrupulous in the exercise of their function, and
the objection was, or supposed to be, altogether insurmountable; so that
they were fain to have recourse to an expedient, with which, after some
hesitation, our she-adventurer was satisfied.  They joined hands in the
sight of Heaven, which they called to witness, and to judge the sincerity
of their vows, and engaged, in a voluntary oath, to confirm their union
by the sanction of the church, whenever a convenient opportunity for so
doing should occur.

The scruples of Teresa being thus removed, she admitted Ferdinand to the
privileges of a husband, which he enjoyed in stolen interviews, and
readily undertook to exert her whole power in promoting his suit with her
young mistress, because she now considered his interest as inseparably
connected with her own.  Surely nothing could be more absurd or
preposterous than the articles of this covenant, which she insisted upon
with such inflexibility.  How could she suppose that her pretended lover
would be restrained by an oath, when the very occasion of incurring it
was an intention to act in violation of all laws human and divine? and
yet such ridiculous conjuration is commonly the cement of every
conspiracy, how dark, how treacherous, how impious soever it may be: a
certain sign that there are some remains of religion left in the human
mind, even after every moral sentiment hath abandoned it; and that the
most execrable ruffian finds means to quiet the suggestions of his
conscience, by some reversionary hope of Heaven's forgiveness.




CHAPTER EIGHT

THEIR FIRST ATTEMPT; WITH A DIGRESSION WHICH SOME READERS MAY THINK
IMPERTINENT.


Be this as it will, our lovers, though real voluptuaries, amidst the
first transports of their enjoyment did not neglect the great political
aim of their conjunction.  Teresa's bedchamber, to which our hero
constantly repaired at midnight, was the scene of their deliberations,
and there it was determined that the damsel, in order to avoid suspicion,
should feign herself irritated at the indifference of Ferdinand, her
passion for whom was by this time no secret in the family; and that, with
a view to countenance this affectation, he should upon all occasions
treat her with an air of loftiness and disdain.

So screened from all imputation of fraud, she was furnished by him with
artful instructions how to sound the inclinations of her young mistress,
how to recommend his person and qualifications by the sure methods of
contradiction, comparisons, revilings, and reproach; how to watch the
paroxysms of her disposition, inflame her passions, and improve, for his
advantage, those moments of frailty from which no woman is exempted.  In
short, this consummate politician taught his agent to poison the young
lady's mind with insidious conversation, tending to inspire her with the
love of guilty pleasure, to debauch her sentiments, and confound her
ideas of dignity and virtue.  After all, the task is not difficult to
lead the unpractised heart astray, by dint of those opportunities her
seducer possessed.  The seeds of insinuation seasonably sown upon the
warm luxuriant soil of youth, could hardly fail of shooting up into such
intemperate desires as he wanted to produce, especially when cultured and
cherished in her unguarded hours, by that stimulating discourse which
familiarity admits, and the looser passions, ingrafted in every breast,
are apt to relish and excuse.

Fathom had previously reconnoitred the ground, and discovered some marks
of inflammability in Mademoiselle's constitution; her beauty was not such
as to engage her in those gaieties of amusement which could flatter her
vanity and dissipate her ideas; and she was of an age when the little
loves and young desires take possession of the fancy; he therefore
concluded, that she had the more leisure to indulge these enticing images
of pleasure that youth never fails to create, particularly in those who,
like her, were addicted to solitude and study.

Teresa, full fraught with the wily injunctions of her confederate, took
the field, and opened the campaign with such remarkable sourness in her
aspect when Ferdinand appeared, that her young lady could not help taking
notice of her affected chagrin, and asked the reason of such apparent
alteration in her way of thinking.  Prepared for this question, the other
replied, in a manner calculated for giving Mademoiselle to understand,
that, whatever impressions Ferdinand might have formerly made on her
heart, they were now altogether effaced by the pride and insolence with
which he had received her advances; and that her breast now glowed with
all the revenge of a slighted lover.

To evince the sincerity of this declaration, she bitterly inveighed
against him, and even affected to depreciate those talents, in which she
knew his chief merit to consist; hoping, by these means, to interest
Mademoiselle's candour in his defence.  So far the train succeeded.  That
young lady's love for truth was offended at the calumnies that were
vented against Ferdinand in his absence.  She chid her woman for the
rancour of her remarks, and undertook to refute the articles of his
dispraise.  Teresa supported her own assertions with great obstinacy, and
a dispute ensued, in which her mistress was heated into some extravagant
commendations of our adventurer.

His supposed enemy did not fail to make a report of her success, and to
magnify every advantage they had gained; believing, in good earnest, that
her lady's warmth was the effect of a real passion for the fortunate Mr.
Fathom.  But he himself viewed the adventure in a different light, and
rightly imputed the violence of Mademoiselle's behaviour to the
contradiction she had sustained from her maid, or to the fire of her
natural generosity glowing in behalf of innocence traduced.
Nevertheless, he was perfectly well pleased with the nature of the
contest; because, in the course of such debates, he foresaw that he
should become habitually her hero, and that, in time, she would actually
believe those exaggerations of his merit, which she herself had feigned,
for the honour of her own arguments.

This presage, founded upon that principle of self-respect, without which
no individual exists, may certainly be justified by manifold occurrences
in life.  We ourselves have known a very pregnant example, which we shall
relate, for the emolument of the reader.  A certain needy author having
found means to present a manuscript to one of those sons of fortune who
are dignified with the appellation of patrons, instead of reaping that
applause and advantage with which he had regaled his fancy, had the
mortification to find his performance treated with infinite irreverence
and contempt, and, in high dudgeon and disappointment, appealed to the
judgment of another critic, who, he knew, had no veneration for the
first.

This common consolation, to which all baffled authors have recourse, was
productive of very happy consequences to our bard; for, though the
opinions of both judges concerning the piece were altogether the same,
the latter, either out of compassion to the appellant, or desire of
rendering his rival ridiculous in the eye of taste, undertook to repair
the misfortune, and in this manner executed the plan.  In a meeting of
literati, to which both these wits belonged, he who had espoused the
poet's cause, having previously desired another member to bring his
composition on the carpet, no sooner heard it mentioned, than he began to
censure it with flagrant marks of scorn, and, with an ironical air,
looking at its first condemner, observed, that he must be furiously
infected with the rage of patronising, who could take such a deplorable
performance into his protection.  The sarcasm took effect.

The person against whom it was levelled, taking umbrage at his
presumption, assumed an aspect of disdain, and replied with great
animosity, that nothing was more easily supported than the character of a
Zoilus, because no production was altogether free from blemishes; and any
man might pronounce against any piece by the lump, without interesting
his own discernment; but to perceive the beauties of a work, it was
requisite to have learning, judgment, and taste; and therefore he did not
wonder that the gentleman had overlooked a great many in the composition
which he so contemptuously decried.  A rejoinder succeeded this reply,
and produced a long train of altercation, in which the gentleman, who had
formerly treated the book with such disrespect, now professed himself its
passionate admirer, and held forth in praise of it with great warmth and
elocution.

Not contented with having exhibited this instance of regard, he next
morning sent a message to the owner, importing, that he had but
superficially glanced over the manuscript, and desiring the favour of
perusing it a second time.  Being indulged in this request, he
recommended it in terms of rapture to all his friends and dependants,
and, by dint of unwearied solicitation, procured a very ample
subscription for the author.

But, to resume the thread of our story.  Teresa's practices were not
confined to simple defamation.  Her reproaches were contrived so as to
imply some intelligence in favour of the person she reviled.  In
exemplifying his pertness and arrogance, she repeated his witty repartee;
on pretence of blaming his ferocity, she recounted proofs of his spirit
and prowess; and, in explaining the source of his vanity, gave her
mistress to understand, that a certain young lady of fashion was said to
be enamoured of his person.  Nor did this well-instructed understrapper
omit those other parts of her cue which the principal judged necessary
for the furtherance of his scheme.  Her conversation became less guarded,
and took a freer turn than usual; she seized all opportunities of
introducing little amorous stories, the greatest part of which were
invented for the purposes of warming her passions, and lowering the price
of chastity in her esteem; for she represented all the young lady's
contemporaries in point of age and situation, as so many sensualists,
who, without scruple, indulged themselves in the stolen pleasures of
youth.

Meanwhile, Ferdinand seconded these endeavours with his whole industry
and address.  He redoubled, if possible, his deference and respect,
whetting his assiduity to the keenest edge of attention; and, in short,
regulated his dress, conversation, and deportment, according to the
fancy, turn, and prevailing humour of his young mistress.  He, moreover,
attempted to profit by her curiosity, which he knew to be truly feminine;
and having culled from the library of his patron certain dangerous books,
calculated to debauch the minds of young people, left them occasionally
upon the table in his apartment, after having directed Teresa to pick
them up, as if by accident, in his absence, and carry them off for the
entertainment of Mademoiselle; nay, this crafty projector found means to
furnish his associate with some mischievous preparations, which were
mingled in her chocolate, tea, or coffee, as provocations to warm her
constitution; yet all these machinations, ingenious as they were, failed,
not only in fulfilling their aim, but even in shaking the foundations of
her virtue or pride, which stood their assaults unmoved, like a strong
tower built upon a rock, impregnable to all the tempestuous blasts of
heaven.

Not but that the conspirators were more than once mistaken in the effects
of their artifices, and disposed to applaud themselves on the progress
they had made.  When at any time she expressed a desire to examine those
performances which were laid before her as snares to entrap her chastity,
they attributed that, which was no other than curiosity, to a looseness
of sentiment; and when she discovered no aversion to hear those anecdotes
concerning the frailty of her neighbours, they imputed to abatement of
chastity that satisfaction which was the result of self-congratulation on
her own superior virtue.

So far did the treacherous accomplice of Fathom presume upon these
misconstructions, that she at length divested her tongue of all
restraint, and behaved in such a manner, that the young lady, confounded
and incensed at her indecency and impudence, rebuked her with great
severity, and commanded her to reform her discourse, on pain of being
dismissed with disgrace from her service.




CHAPTER NINE

THE CONFEDERATES CHANGE THEIR BATTERY, AND ACHIEVE A REMARKABLE
ADVENTURE.


Thunderstruck at this disappointment, the confederates held a council, in
order to deliberate upon the next measures that should be taken; and
Ferdinand, for the present, despairing of accomplishing his grand aim,
resolved to profit in another manner, by the conveniency of his
situation.  He represented to his helpmate, that it would be prudent for
them to make hay while the sun shone, as their connexion might be sooner
or later discovered, and an end put to all those opportunities which they
now so happily enjoyed.  All principles of morality had been already
excluded from their former plan; consequently he found it an easy task to
interest Teresa in any other scheme tending to their mutual advantage,
howsoever wicked and perfidious it might be.  He therefore persuaded her
to be his auxiliary in defrauding Mademoiselle at play, and gave her
suitable directions for that purpose; and even tutored her how to abuse
the trust reposed in her, by embezzling the young lady's effects, without
incurring the suspicion of dishonesty.

On the supposition that every servant in the house was not able to resist
such temptation, the purse of her mistress, to which the maid had always
access, was dropped in a passage which the domestics had occasion to
frequent; and Fathom posted himself in a convenient place, in order to
observe the effect of his stratagem.  Here he was not disappointed in his
conjecture.  The first person who chanced to pass that way, was one of
the chambermaids, with whom Teresa had lived for some time in a state of
inveterate enmity, because the wench had failed in that homage and
respect which was paid to her by the rest of the servants.

Ferdinand had, in his heart, espoused the quarrel of his associate, and
longed for an occasion to deliver her from the malicious observance of
such an antagonist.  When he, therefore, saw her approach, his heart
throbbed with joyful expectations; but, when she snatched up the purse,
and thrust it in her bosom, with all the eagerness and confusion of one
determined to appropriate the windfall to her own use, his transports
were altogether unspeakable.  He traced her to her own apartment, whither
she immediately retreated with great trepidation, and then communicated
the discovery to Teresa, together with instructions how to behave in the
sequel.

In conformity with these lessons, she took the first opportunity of going
to Mademoiselle, and demanding money for some necessary expense, that the
loss might be known before the finder could have leisure to make any
fresh conveyance of the prize; and, in the meantime, Ferdinand kept a
strict eye upon the motions of the chambermaid.  The young lady, having
rummaged her pockets in vain, expressed some surprise at the loss of her
purse; upon which her attendant gave indications of extreme amazement and
concern.  She said, it could not possibly be lost; entreated her to
search her escritoir, while she herself ran about the room, prying into
every corner, with all the symptoms of fear and distraction.  Having made
this unsuccessful inquiry, she pretended to shed a flood of tears,
bewailing her own fate, in being near the person of any lady who met with
such a misfortune, by which, she observed, her character might be called
in question.  She produced her own keys, and begged upon her knees, that
her chamber and boxes might be searched without delay.

In a word, she demeaned herself so artfully upon this occasion, that her
mistress, who never entertained the least doubt of her integrity, now
looked upon her as a miracle of fidelity and attachment, and was at
infinite pains to console her for the accident which had happened;
protesting that, for her own part, the loss of the money should never
affect her with a moment's uneasiness, if she could retrieve a certain
medal which she had long kept in her purse, as a remembrance of her
deceased aunt, from whom she received it in a present.

Fathom entered accidentally into the midst of this well-acted scene, and,
perceiving the agitation of the maid, and the concern of the mistress,
desired, in a respectful manner, to know the cause of their disorder.
Before the young lady had time to make him acquainted with the
circumstances of the case, his accomplice exclaimed, in an affected
passion, "Mr. Fathom, my lady has lost her purse; and, as no persons in
the family are so much about her as you and I, you must give me leave, in
my own justification, to insist upon Mademoiselle's ordering the
apartments of us both to be searched without loss of time.  Here are my
pockets and my keys, and you cannot scruple to give her the same
satisfaction; for innocence has nothing to fear."

Miss Melvil reprimanded her sharply for her unmannerly zeal; and
Ferdinand eyeing her with a look of disdain, "Madam," said he, "I approve
of your proposal; but, before I undergo such mortification, I would
advise Mademoiselle to subject the two chambermaids to such inquiry; as
they also have access to the apartments, and are, I apprehend, as likely
as you or I to behave in such a scandalous manner."

The young lady declared that she was too well satisfied of Teresa's
honesty and Ferdinand's honour, to harbour the least suspicion of either,
and that she would sooner die than disgrace them so far as to comply with
the proposal the former had made; but as she saw no reason for exempting
the inferior servants from that examination which Fathom advised, she
would forthwith put it in execution.  The chambermaids being accordingly
summoned, she calmly asked if either of them had accidentally found the
purse she had dropped? and both replying in the negative, she assumed an
air of severity and determination, and demanding their keys, threatened
to examine their trunks on the instant.

The guilty Abigail, who, though an Hungarian, was not inferior, in point
of effrontery, to any one of the sisterhood in England, no sooner heard
this menace, than she affected an air of affronted innocence, thanked God
she had lived in many reputable families, and been trusted with untold
gold, but was never before suspected of theft; that the other maid might
do as she should think proper, and be mean-spirited enough to let her
things be tumbled topsy-turvy and exposed; but, for her own part, if she
should be used in that inhuman and disgraceful manner, she would not stay
another hour in the house; and in conclusion said, that Mademoiselle had
more reason to look sharp after those who enjoyed the greatest share of
her favour, than believe their malicious insinuations against innocent
people whom they were well known to hate and defame.

This declaration, implying an hint to the prejudice of Teresa, far from
diverting Miss Melvil from her purpose, served only to enhance the
character of the accused in her opinion, and to confirm her suspicion of
the accuser, of whom she again demanded her keys, protesting that, should
she prove refractory, the Count himself should take cognisance of the
affair, whereas, if she would deal ingenuously, she should have no cause
to repent of her confession.  So saying, she desired our adventurer to
take the trouble of calling up some of the men-servants; upon which the
conscious criminal began to tremble, and, falling upon her knees,
acknowledged her guilt, and implored the forgiveness of her young
mistress.

Teresa, seizing this occasion to signalise her generosity, joined in the
request, and the offender was pardoned, after having restored the purse,
and promised in the sight of Heaven, that the devil should never again
entice her to the commission of such a crime.  This adventure fully
answered all the purposes of our politician; it established the opinion
of his fellow-labourer's virtue, beyond the power of accident or
information to shake, and set up a false beacon to mislead the sentiments
of Mademoiselle, in case she should for the future meet with the like
misfortune.




CHAPTER TEN

THEY PROCEED TO LEVY CONTRIBUTIONS WITH GREAT SUCCESS, UNTIL OUR HERO
SETS OUT WITH THE YOUNG COUNT FOR VIENNA, WHERE HE ENTERS INTO LEAGUE
WITH ANOTHER ADVENTURER.


Under this secure cover, Teresa levied contributions upon her mistress
with great success.  Some trinket was missing every day; the young lady's
patience began to fail; the faithful attendant was overwhelmed with
consternation, and, with the appearance of extreme chagrin, demanded her
dismission, affirming that these things were certainly effected by some
person in the family, with a view of murdering her precious reputation.
Miss Melvil, not without difficulty, quieted her vexation with assurances
of inviolable confidence and esteem, until a pair of diamond earrings
vanished, when Teresa could no longer keep her affliction within bounds.
Indeed, this was an event of more consequence than all the rest which had
happened, for the jewels were valued at five hundred florins.

Mademoiselle was accordingly alarmed to such a degree, that she made her
mother acquainted with her loss, and that good lady, who was an excellent
economist, did not fail to give indications of extraordinary concern.
She asked, if her daughter had reason to suspect any individual in the
family, and if she was perfectly confident of her own woman's integrity?
Upon which Mademoiselle, with many encomiums on the fidelity and
attachment of Teresa, recounted the adventure of the chambermaid, who
immediately underwent a strict inquiry, and was even committed to prison,
on the strength of her former misdemeanour.  Our adventurer's mate
insisted upon undergoing the same trial with the rest of the domestics,
and, as usual, comprehended Fathom in her insinuations; while he seconded
the proposal, and privately counselled the old lady to introduce Teresa
to the magistrate of the place.  By these preconcerted recriminations,
they escaped all suspicion of collusion.  After a fruitless inquiry, the
prisoner was discharged from her confinement, and turned out of the
service of the Count, in whose private opinion the character of no person
suffered so much, as that of his own son, whom he suspected of having
embezzled the jewels, for the use of a certain inamorata, who, at that
time, was said to have captivated his affections.

The old gentleman felt upon this occasion all that internal anguish which
a man of honour may be supposed to suffer, on account of a son's
degeneracy; and, without divulging his sentiments, or even hinting his
suspicions to the youth himself, determined to detach him at once from
such dangerous connexions, by sending him forthwith to Vienna, on
pretence of finishing his exercises at the academy, and ushering him into
acquaintance with the great world.  Though he would not be thought by the
young gentleman himself to harbour the least doubt of his morals, he did
not scruple to unbosom himself on that subject to Ferdinand, whose
sagacity and virtue he held in great veneration.  This indulgent patron
expressed himself in the most pathetic terms, on the untoward disposition
of his son; he told Fathom, that he should accompany Renaldo (that was
the youth's name) not only as a companion, but a preceptor and pattern;
conjured him to assist his tutor in superintending his conduct, and to
reinforce the governor's precepts by his own example; to inculcate upon
him the most delicate punctilios of honour, and decoy him into
extravagance, rather than leave the least illiberal sentiment in his
heart.

Our crafty adventurer, with demonstrations of the utmost sensibility,
acknowledged the great goodness of the Count in reposing such confidence
in his integrity; which, as he observed, none but the worst of villains
could abuse; and fervently wished that he might no longer exist, than he
should continue to remember and resent the obligations he owed to his
kind benefactor.  While preparations were making for their departure, our
hero held a council with his associate, whom he enriched with many sage
instructions touching her future operations; he at the same time
disburdened her of all or the greatest part of the spoils she had won,
and after having received divers marks of bounty from the Count and his
lady, together with a purse from his young mistress, he set out for
Vienna, in the eighteenth year of his age, with Renaldo and his governor,
who were provided with letters of recommendation to some of the Count's
friends belonging to the Imperial court.

Such a favourable introduction could not fail of being advantageous to a
youth of Ferdinand's specious accomplishments; for he was considered
as the young Count's companion, admitted into his parties, and included
in all the entertainments to which Renaldo was invited.  He soon
distinguished himself by his activity and address, in the course of
those exercises that were taught at the academy of which he was pupil;
his manners were so engaging as to attract the acquaintance of his
fellow-students, and his conversation being sprightly and inoffensive,
grew into very great request; in a word, he and the young Count formed a
remarkable contrast, which, in the eye of the world, redounded to his
advantage.

They were certainly, in all respects, the reverse of each other.
Renaldo, under a total defect of exterior cultivation, possessed a most
excellent understanding, with every virtue that dignifies the human
heart; while the other, beneath a most agreeable outside, with an
inaptitude and aversion to letters, concealed an amazing fund of villany
and ingratitude.  Hitherto his observation had been confined to a narrow
sphere, and his reflections, though surprisingly just and acute, had not
attained to that maturity which age and experience give; but now, his
perceptions began to be more distinct, and extended to a thousand objects
which had never before come under his cognisance.

He had formerly imagined, but was now fully persuaded, that the sons of
men preyed upon one another, and such was the end and condition of their
being.  Among the principal figures of life, he observed few or no
characters that did not bear a strong analogy to the savage tyrants of
the wood.  One resembled a tiger in fury and rapaciousness; a second
prowled about like an hungry wolf, seeking whom he might devour; a third
acted the part of a jackal, in beating the bush for game to his voracious
employer; and the fourth imitated the wily fox, in practising a thousand
crafty ambuscades for the destruction of the ignorant and unwary.  This
last was the department of life for which he found himself best qualified
by nature and inclination; and he accordingly resolved that his talent
should not rust in his possession.  He was already pretty well versed in
all the sciences of play; but he had every day occasion to see these arts
carried to such a surprising pitch of finesse and dexterity, as
discouraged him from building his schemes on that foundation.

He therefore determined to fascinate the judgment, rather than the eyes
of his fellow-creatures, by a continual exercise of that gift of
deceiving, with which he knew himself endued to an unrivalled degree; and
to acquire unbounded influence with those who might be subservient to his
interest, by an assiduous application to their prevailing passions.  Not
that play was altogether left out in the projection of his economy.--
Though he engaged himself very little in the executive part of gaming, he
had not been long in Vienna, when he entered into league with a genius of
that kind, whom he distinguished among the pupils of the academy, and who
indeed had taken up his habitation in that place with a view to pillage
the provincials on their first arrival in town, before they could be
armed with proper circumspection to preserve their money, or have time to
dispose of it in any other shape.

Similar characters naturally attract each other, and people of our hero's
principles are, of all others, the most apt to distinguish their own
likeness wheresoever it occurs; because they always keep the faculty of
discerning in full exertion.  It was in consequence of this mutual
alertness, that Ferdinand and the stranger, who was a native of Tyrol,
perceived themselves reflected in the dispositions of each other, and
immediately entered into an offensive and defensive alliance; our
adventurer undertaking for the articles of intelligence, countenance, and
counsel, and his associate charging himself with the risk of execution.




CHAPTER ELEVEN

FATHOM MAKES VARIOUS EFFORTS IN THE WORLD OF GALLANTRY.


Thus connected, they began to hunt in couples; and Fathom, in order to
profit by the alliance with a good grace, contrived a small scheme that
succeeded to his wish.  Renaldo being one night intoxicated in the course
of a merry-making with his fellow-pupils, from which Fathom had purposely
absented himself, was by the Tyrolese so artfully provoked to play, that
he could not resist the temptation, but engaged at passdice with that
fell adversary, who, in less than an hour, stripped him of a pretty round
sum.  Next day, when the young gentleman recovered the use of his
reflection, he was sensibly chagrined at the folly and precipitation of
his own conduct, an account of which he communicated in confidence to our
hero, with demonstrations of infinite shame and concern.

Ferdinand, having moralised upon the subject with great sagacity, and
sharply inveighed against the Tyrolese, for the unfair advantage he had
taken, retired to his closet, and wrote the following billet, which was
immediately sent to his ally:--

"The obligations I owe, and the attachments I feel, to the Count de
Melvil, will not suffer me to be an idle spectator of the wrongs offered
to his son, in the dishonourable use, I understand, you made last night
of his unguarded hours.  I therefore insist upon your making immediate
restitution of the booty which you so unjustly got; otherwise I expect
you will meet me upon the ramparts, near the bastion de la Port Neuve,
to-morrow morning at daybreak, in order to justify, with your sword, the
finesse you have practised upon the friend of      FERDINAND DE FATHOM."

The gamester no sooner received this intimation, than, according to the
plan which had been preconcerted betwixt the author and him, he went to
the apartment of Renaldo, and presenting the sum of money which he had
defrauded him of the preceding night, told him, with a stern countenance,
that, though it was a just acquisition, he scorned to avail himself of
his good fortune against any person who entertained the smallest doubt of
his honour.

The young Count, surprised at this address, rejected his offer with
disdain, and desired to know the meaning of such an unexpected
declaration.  Upon which, the other produced Ferdinand's billet, and
threatened, in very high terms, to meet the stripling according to his
invitation, and chastise him severely for his presumption.  The
consequence of this explanation is obvious.  Renaldo, imputing the
officiousness of Fathom to the zeal of his friendship, interposed in the
quarrel, which was amicably compromised, not a little to the honour of
our adventurer, who thus obtained an opportunity of displaying his
courage and integrity, without the least hazard to his person; while, at
the same time, his confederate recommended himself to the esteem of the
young Count, by his spirited behaviour on this occasion; so that Renaldo
being less shy of his company for the future, the Tyrolese had the fairer
opportunities to prosecute his designs upon the young gentleman's purse.

It would be almost superfluous to say, that these were not neglected.
The son of Count Melvil was not deficient in point of penetration; but
his whole study was at that time engrossed by the care of his education,
and he had sometimes recourse to play as an amusement by which he sought
to unbend the severity of his attention.  No wonder then that he fell a
prey to an artful gamester, who had been regularly trained to the
profession, and made it the sole study of his life; especially as the
Hungarian was remarkable for a warmth of temper, which a knight of the
post always knows how to manage for his own advantage.

In the course of these operations, Fathom was a very useful
correspondent.  He instructed the Tyrolese in the peculiarities of
Renaldo's disposition, and made him acquainted with the proper seasons
for profiting by his dexterity.  Ferdinand, for example, who, by the
authority derived to him from the injunctions of the old Count, sometimes
took upon himself the office of an adviser, cunningly chose to counsel
the son at those conjunctures when he knew him least able to bear such
expostulation.  Advice improperly administered generally acts in
diametrical opposition to the purpose for which it is supposed to be
given; at least this was the case with the young gentleman, who, inflamed
by the reproof of such a tutor, used to obey the dictates of his
resentment in an immediate repetition of that conduct which our
adventurer had taken the liberty to disapprove; and the gamester was
always at hand to minister unto his indignation.  By these means he was
disencumbered of divers considerable remittances, with which his father
cheerfully supplied him, on the supposition that they were spent with
taste and liberality, under the direction of our adventurer.

But Ferdinand's views were not confined to the narrow field of this
alliance.  He attempted divers enterprises in the world of gallantry,
conscious of his own personal qualifications, and never doubting that he
could insinuate himself into the good graces of some married lady about
court, or lay an opulent dowager under contribution.  But he met with an
obstacle in his endeavours of this kind, which all his art was unable to
surmount.  This was no other than the obscurity of his birth, and the
want of a title, without which no person in that country lays claim to
the privileges of a gentleman.  Had he foreseen this inconvenience he
might have made shift to obviate the consequences, by obtaining
permission to appear in the character of the Count's kinsman; though, in
all probability, such an expedient would not have been extremely
agreeable to the old gentleman, who was very tenacious of the honour of
his family; nevertheless, his generosity might have been prevailed upon
to indulge Fathom with such a pretext, in consideration of the youth's
supposed attachment, and the obligations for which he deemed himself
indebted to his deceased mother.

True it is, Ferdinand, upon his first arrival at Vienna, had been
admitted into fashionable company, on the footing of Renaldo's companion,
because nobody suspected the defect of his pedigree; and even after a
report had been circulated to the prejudice of his extraction, by the
industry of a lacquey who attended the young Count, there were not
wanting many young people of distinction who still favoured him with
their countenance and correspondence; but he was no longer invited to
private families, in which only he could expect to profit by his address
among the ladies, and had the mortification of finding himself frequently
excepted from parties which were expressly calculated for the
entertainment of the young Count.  Luckily, his spirit was so pliant as
to sustain these slights without being much dejected; instead of repining
at the loss of that respect which had been paid to him at first, he
endeavoured, with all his might, to preserve the little that still
remained, and resolved to translate into a humbler sphere that gallantry
which he had no longer opportunities of displaying in the world of rank
and fashion.




CHAPTER TWELVE

HE EFFECTS A LODGMENT IN THE HOUSE OF A RICH JEWELLER.


In consequence of this determination, he to the uttermost exerted his
good-humour among the few friends of consequence his fortune had left,
and even carried his complaisance so far as to become the humble servant
of their pleasures, while he attempted to extend his acquaintance in an
inferior path of life, where he thought his talents would shine more
conspicuous than at the assemblies of the great, and conduce more
effectually to the interest of all his designs.  Nor did he find himself
disappointed in that expectation, sanguine as it was.  He soon found
means to be introduced to the house of a wealthy bourgeois, where every
individual was charmed with his easy air and extraordinary
qualifications.  He accommodated himself surprisingly to the humours of
the whole family; smoked tobacco, swallowed wine, and discoursed of
stones with the husband, who was a rich jeweller; sacrificed himself to
the pride and loquacity of the wife; and played upon the violin, and sung
alternately, for the amusement of his only daughter, a buxom lass, nearly
of his own age, the fruit of a former marriage.

It was not long before Ferdinand had reason to congratulate himself on
the footing he had gained in this society.  He had expected to find, and
in a little time actually discovered, that mutual jealousy and rancour
which almost always subsist between a daughter and her step-dame,
inflamed with all the virulence of female emulation; for the disparity in
their ages served only to render them the more inveterate rivals in the
desire of captivating the other sex.  Our adventurer having deliberated
upon the means of converting this animosity to his own advantage, saw no
method for this purpose so feasible as that of making his approaches to
the hearts of both, by ministering to each in private, food for their
reciprocal envy and malevolence; because he well knew that no road lies
so direct and open to a woman's heart as that of gratifying her passions
of vanity and resentment.

When he had an opportunity of being particular with the mother, he
expressed his concern for having unwittingly incurred the displeasure of
Mademoiselle, which, he observed, was obvious in every circumstance of
her behaviour towards him; protesting he was utterly innocent of all
intention of offending her; and that he could not account for his
disgrace any other way, than by supposing she took umbrage at the
direction of his chief regards towards her mother-in-law, which, he
owned, was altogether involuntary, being wholly influenced by that lady's
superior charms and politeness.

Such a declaration was perfectly well calculated for the meridian of a
dame like her, who with all the intoxications of unenlightened pride, and
an increased appetite for pleasure, had begun to find herself neglected,
and even to believe that her attractions were actually on the wane.  She
very graciously consoled our gallant for the mishap of which he
complained, representing Wilhelmina (that was the daughter's name) as a
pert, illiterate, envious baggage, of whose disgust he ought to make no
consideration; then she recounted many instances of her own generosity to
that young lady, with the returns of malice and ingratitude she had made;
and, lastly, enumerated all the imperfections of her person, education,
and behaviour; that he might see with what justice the gypsy pretended to
vie with those who had been distinguished by the approbation and even
gallantry of the best people in Vienna.

Having thus established himself her confidant and gossip, he knew his
next step of promotion would necessarily be to the degree of her lover;
and in that belief resolved to play the same game with Mademoiselle
Wilhelmina, whose complexion was very much akin to that of her
stepmother; indeed they resembled each other too much to live upon any
terms of friendship or even decorum.  Fathom, in order to enjoy a private
conversation with the young lady, never failed to repeat his visit every
afternoon, till at length he had the pleasure of finding her disengaged,
the jeweller being occupied among his workmen, and his wife gone to
assist at a lying-in.

Our adventurer and the daughter had already exchanged their vows, by the
expressive language of the eyes; he had even declared himself in some
tender ejaculations which had been softly whispered in her ear, when he
could snatch an opportunity of venting them unperceived; nay, he had upon
divers occasions gently squeezed her fair hand, on pretence of tuning her
harpsichord, and been favoured with returns of the same cordial pressure;
so that, instead of accosting her with the fearful hesitation and reserve
of a timid swain, he told her, after the exercise of the doux-yeux, that
he was come to confer with her upon a subject that nearly concerned her
peace; and asked if she had not observed of late an evident abatement of
friendship in her mother's behaviour to him, whom she had formerly
treated with such marks of favour and respect.  Mademoiselle would not
pay so ill a compliment to her own discernment as to say she had not
perceived the alteration; which, on the contrary, she owned was extremely
palpable; nor was it difficult to divine the cause of such estranged
looks.  This remark was accompanied with an irresistible glance; she
smiled enchanting, the colour deepened on her cheeks, her breast began to
heave, and her whole frame underwent a most agreeable confusion.

Ferdinand was not a man to let such a favourable conjuncture pass
unregarded.  "Yes, charming Wilhelmina!" exclaimed the politician in an
affected rapture, "the cause is as conspicuous as your attractions.  She
hath, in spite of all my circumspection, perceived that passion which it
is not in my power to conceal, and in consequence of which I now declare
myself your devoted adorer; or, conscious of your superior excellence,
her jealousy hath taken the alarm, and, though stung with conjecture
only, repines at the triumph of your perfections.  How far this spirit of
malignity may be inflamed to my prejudice, I know not.  Perhaps, as this
is the first, it may be also the last opportunity I shall have of avowing
the dearest sentiments of my heart to the fair object that inspired them;
in a word, I may be for ever excluded from your presence.  Excuse me,
then, divine creature! from the practice of those unnecessary forms,
which I should take pride in observing, were I indulged with the ordinary
privileges of an honourable lover; and, once for all, accept the homage
of an heart overflowing with love and admiration.  Yes, adorable
Wilhelmina! I am dazzled with your supernatural beauty; your other
accomplishments strike me with wonder and awe.  I am enchanted by the
graces of your deportment, ravished with the charms of your conversation;
and there is a certain tenderness of benevolence in that endearing
aspect, which, I trust, will not fail to melt with sympathy at the
emotions of a faithful slave like me."

So saying, he threw himself upon his knees, and, seizing her plump hand,
pressed it to his lips with all the violence of real transport.  The
nymph, whose passions nature had filled to the brim, could not hear such
a rhapsody unmoved.  Being an utter stranger to addresses of this kind,
she understood every word of it in the literal acceptation; she believed
implicitly in the truth of the encomiums he had bestowed, and thought it
reasonable he should be rewarded for the justice he had done to her
qualifications, which had hitherto been almost altogether overlooked.  In
short, her heart began to thaw, and her face to hang out the flag of
capitulation; which was no sooner perceived by our hero, than he renewed
his attack with redoubled fervour, pronouncing in a most vehement tone,
"Light of my eyes, and empress of my soul! behold me prostrate at your
feet, waiting with the most pious resignation, for that sentence from
your lips, on which my future happiness or misery must altogether depend.
Not with more reverence does the unhappy bashaw kiss the sultan's letter
that contains his doom, than I will submit to your fatal determination.
Speak then, angelic sweetness! for never, ah! never will I rise from this
suppliant posture, until I am encouraged to live and hope.  No! if you
refuse to smile upon my passion, here shall I breathe the last sighs of a
despairing lover; here shall this faithful sword do the last office to
its unfortunate master, and shed the blood of the truest heart that ever
felt the cruel pangs of disappointed love."

The young lady, well-nigh overcome by this effusion, which brought the
tears into her eyes, "Enough, enough," cried she, interrupting him, "sure
you men were created for the ruin of our sex."--"Ruin!" re-echoed Fathom,
"talk not of ruin and Wilhelmina! let these terms be for ever parted, far
as the east and west asunder! let ever smiling peace attend her steps,
and love and joy still wanton in her train!  Ruin, indeed, shall wait
upon her enemies, if such there be, and those love-lorn wretches who pine
with anguish under her disdain.  Grant me, kind Heaven, a more propitious
boon; direct her genial regards to one whose love is without example, and
whose constancy is unparalleled.  Bear witness to my constancy and faith,
ye verdant hills, ye fertile plains, ye shady groves, ye purling streams;
and if I prove untrue, ah! let me never find a solitary willow or a
bubbling brook, by help of which I may be enabled to put a period to my
wretched life."

Here this excellent actor began to sob most piteously, and the
tender-hearted Wilhelmina, unable longer to withstand his moving tale,
with a repetition of the interjection, ah! gently dropped into his
arms.  This was the beginning of a correspondence that soon rose to a
very interesting pitch; and they forthwith concerted measures for
carrying it on without the knowledge or suspicion of her mother-in-law.
Nevertheless, the young lady, vanquished as she was, and unskilled in the
ways of men, would not all at once yield at discretion; but insisted upon
those terms, without which no woman's reputation can be secured.  Our
lover, far from seeking to evade the proposal, assented to it in terms of
uncommon satisfaction, and promised to use his whole industry in finding
a priest upon whose discretion they could rely; nay, he certainly
resolved to comply with her request in good earnest, rather than forfeit
the advantages which he foresaw in their union.  His good fortune,
however, exempted him from the necessity of taking such a step, which at
best must have been disagreeable; for so many difficulties occurred in
the inquiry which was set on foot, and so artfully did Fathom in the
meantime manage the influence he had already gained over her heart, that,
before her passion could obtain a legal gratification, she surrendered to
his wish, without any other assurance, than his solemn profession of
sincerity and truth, on which she reposed herself with the most implicit
confidence and faith.




CHAPTER THIRTEEN

HE IS EXPOSED TO A MOST PERILOUS INCIDENT IN THE COURSE OF HIS INTRIGUE
WITH THE DAUGHTER.


He was rejoiced to find her so easily satisfied in such a momentous
concern, for the principal aim of the intrigue was to make her necessary
to his interested views, and even, if possible, an associate in the
fraudulent plans he had projected upon her father; consequently he
considered this relaxation in her virtue as an happy omen of his future
success.  All the obstacles to their mutual enjoyment being thus removed,
our adventurer was by his mistress indulged with an assignation in her
own chamber, which, though contiguous to that of her stepmother, was
provided with a door that opened into a common staircase, to which he had
access at all hours of the night.

He did not neglect the rendezvous, but, presenting himself at the
appointed time, which was midnight, made the signal they had agreed upon,
and was immediately admitted by Wilhelmina, who waited for hire with a
lover's impatience.  Fathom was not deficient in those expressions of
rapture that are current on those occasions; but, on the contrary, became
so loud in the transports of self-congratulation, that his voice reached
the ears of the vigilant stepmother, who wakening the jeweller from his
first nap, gave him to understand that some person was certainly in close
conversation with his daughter; and exhorted him to rise forthwith, and
vindicate the honour of his family.

The German, who was naturally of a phlegmatic habit, and never went to
bed without a full dose of the creature, which added to his
constitutional drowsiness, gave no ear to his wife's intimation, until
she had repeated it thrice, and used other means to rouse him from the
arms of slumber.  Meanwhile Fathom and his inamorata overheard her
information, and our hero would have made his retreat immediately,
through the port by which he entered, had not his intention been
overruled by the remonstrances of the young lady, who observed that the
door was already fast bolted, and could not possibly be opened without
creating a noise that would confirm the suspicion of her parents; and
that over and above this objection he would, in sallying from that door,
run the risk of being met by her father, who in all probability would
present himself before it, in order to hinder our hero's escape.  She
therefore conveyed him softly into her closet, where she assured him he
might remain with great tranquillity, in full confidence that she would
take such measures as would effectually screen him from detection.

He was fain to depend upon her assurance, and accordingly ensconced
himself behind her dressing-table; but he could not help sweating with
apprehension, and praying fervently to God for his deliverance, when he
heard the jeweller thundering at the door, and calling to his daughter
for admittance.  Wilhelmina, who was already undressed, and had purposely
extinguished the light, pretended to be suddenly waked from her sleep,
and starting up, exclaimed in a tone of surprise and affright, "Jesu,
Maria! what is the matter?"--"Hussy!" replied the German in a terrible
accent, "open the door this instant; there is a man in your bedchamber,
and, by the lightning and thunder! I will wash away the stain he has cast
upon my honour with the schellum's heart's-blood."

Not at all intimidated by this boisterous threat, she admitted him
without hesitation, and, with a shrillness of voice peculiar to herself,
began to hold forth upon her own innocence and his unjust suspicion,
mingling in her harangue sundry oblique hints against her mother-in-law,
importing, that some people were so viciously inclined by their own
natures, that she did not wonder at their doubting the virtue of other
people; but that these people despised the insinuations of such people,
who ought to be more circumspect in their own conduct, lest they
themselves should suffer reprisals from those people whom they had so
maliciously slandered.

Having uttered these flowers of rhetoric, which were calculated for the
hearing of her step-dame, who stood with a light at her husband's back,
the young lady assumed an ironical air, and admonished her father to
search every corner of her apartment.  She even affected to assist his
inquiry; with her own hands pulled out a parcel of small drawers, in
which her trinkets were contained; desired him to look into her
needlecase and thimble, and, seeing his examination fruitless, earnestly
intreated him to rummage her closet also, saying, with a sneer, that, in
all probability, the dishonourer would be found in that lurking-place.
The manner in which she pretended to ridicule his apprehensions made an
impression upon the jeweller, who was very well disposed to retreat into
his own nest, when his wife, with a certain slyness in her countenance,
besought him to comply with his daughter's request, and look into that
same closet, by which means Wilhelmina's virtue would obtain a complete
triumph.

Our adventurer, who overheard the conversation, was immediately seized
with a palsy of fear.  He trembled at every joint, the sweat trickled
down his forehead, his teeth began to chatter, his hair to stand on end;
and he, in his heart, bitterly cursed the daughter's petulance, the
mother's malice, together with his own precipitation, by which he was
involved in an adventure so pregnant with danger and disgrace.  Indeed,
the reader may easily conceive his disorder, when he heard the key
turning in the lock, and the German swearing that he would make him food
for the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air.

Fathom had come unprepared with weapons of defence, was naturally an
economist of his person, and saw himself on the brink of forfeiting not
only the promised harvest of his double intrigue, but also the reputation
of a man of honour, upon which all his future hopes depended.  His agony
was therefore unspeakable, when the door flew open; and it was not till
after a considerable pause of recollection, that he perceived the candle
extinguished by the motion of the air produced from the German's sudden
irruption.  This accident, which disconcerted him so much as to put a
full stop to his charge, was very favourable to our hero, who, summoning
all his presence of mind, crept up into the chimney, while the jeweller
stood at the door, waiting for his wife's return with another light; so
that, when the closet was examined, there was nothing found to justify
the report which the stepmother had made; and the father, after having
made a slight apology to Wilhelmina for his intrusion, retired with his
yoke-fellow into their own chamber.

The young lady, who little thought that her papa would have taken her at
her word, was overwhelmed with confusion and dismay, when she saw him
enter the closet; and, had her lover been discovered, would, in all
probability, have been the loudest in his reproach, and, perhaps, have
accused him of an intention to rob the house; but she was altogether
astonished when she found he had made shift to elude the inquiry of her
parents, because she could not conceive the possibility of his escaping
by the window, which was in the third storey, at a prodigious distance
from the ground; and how he should conceal himself in the apartment, was
a mystery which she could by no means unfold.  Before her father and
mother retired, she lighted her lamp, on pretence of being afraid to be
in the dark, after the perturbation of spirits she had undergone; and her
room was no sooner evacuated of such troublesome visitants, than she
secured the doors, and went in quest of her lover.

Accordingly, every corner of the closet underwent a new search, and she
called upon his name with a soft voice, which she thought no other person
would overhear.  But Ferdinand did not think proper to gratify her
impatience, because he could not judge of the predicament in which he
stood by the evidence of all his senses, and would not relinquish his
post, until he should be better certified that the coast was clear.
Meanwhile, his Dulcinea, having performed her inquiry to no purpose,
imagined there was something preternatural in the circumstance of his
vanishing so unaccountably, and began to cross herself with great
devotion.  She returned to her chamber, fixed the lamp in the fireplace,
and, throwing herself upon the bed, gave way to the suggestions of her
superstition, which were reinforced by the silence that prevailed, and
the gloomy glimmering of the light.  She reflected upon the trespass she
had already committed in her heart, and, in the conjectures of her fear,
believed that her lover was no other than the devil himself, who had
assumed the appearance of Fathom, in order to tempt and seduce her
virtue.

While her imagination teemed with those horrible ideas, our adventurer,
concluding, from the general stillness, that the jeweller and his wife
were at last happily asleep, ventured to come forth from his
hiding-place, and stood before his mistress all begrimed with soot.
Wilhelmina, lifting up her eyes, and seeing this sable apparition, which
she mistook for Satan in propria persona, instantly screamed, and began
to repeat her pater-noster with an audible voice.  Upon which Ferdinand,
foreseeing that her parents would be again alarmed, would not stay to
undeceive her and explain himself, but, unlocking the door with great
expedition, ran downstairs, and luckily accomplished his escape.  This
was undoubtedly the wisest measure he could have taken; for he had not
performed one half of his descent toward the street, when the German was
at his daughter's bedside, demanding to know the cause of her
exclamation.  She then gave him an account of what she had seen, with all
the exaggerations of her own fancy, and, after having weighed the
circumstances of her story, he interpreted the apparition into a thief,
who had found means to open the door that communicated with the stair;
but, having been scared by Wilhelmina's shriek, had been obliged to
retreat before he could execute his purpose.

Our hero's spirits were so wofully disturbed by this adventure, that, for
a whole week, he felt no inclination to visit his inamorata, and was not
without apprehension that the affair had terminated in an explanation
very little to his advantage.  He was, however, delivered from this
disagreeable suspense, by an accidental meeting with the jeweller
himself, who kindly chid him for his long absence, and entertained him in
the street with an account of the alarm which his family had sustained,
by a thief who broke into Wilhelmina's apartment.  Glad to find his
apprehension mistaken, he renewed his correspondence with the family,
and, in a little time, found reason to console himself for the jeopardy
and panic he had undergone.




CHAPTER FOURTEEN

HE IS REDUCED TO A DREADFUL DILEMMA, IN CONSEQUENCE OF AN ASSIGNATION
WITH THE WIFE.


Nor was his whole care and attention engrossed by the execution of this
scheme upon the daughter.  While he managed his concerns in that quarter
with incredible ardour and application, he was not the less indefatigable
in the prosecution of his design upon the mother-in-law, which he
forwarded with all his art during those opportunities he enjoyed in the
absence of Wilhelmina, who was frequently called away by the domestic
duties of the house.  The passions of the jeweller's wife were in such a
state of exaltation, as exempted our hero from the repulses and fatigue
attending a long siege.

We have already observed how cunningly he catered for the gratification
of her ruling appetite, and have exhibited pregnant proofs of his ability
in gaining upon the human heart; the reader will not therefore be
surprised at the rapidity of his conquest over the affections of a lady
whose complexion was perfectly amorous, and whose vanity laid her open to
all the attempts of adulation.  In a word, matters were quickly brought
to such a mutual understanding, that, one evening, while they amused
themselves at lansquenet, Fathom conjured her to give him the rendezvous
next day at the house of any third person of her own sex, in whose
discretion she could confide; and, after a few affected scruples on her
side, which he well knew how to surmount, she complied with his request,
and the circumstances of the appointment were settled accordingly.  After
this treaty, their satisfaction rose to such a warmth, and the
conversation became so reciprocally endearing, that our gallant expressed
his impatience of waiting so long for the accomplishment of his wishes,
and, with the most eager transport, begged she would, if possible,
curtail the term of his expectation, that his brain might not suffer by
his standing so many tedious hours on the giddy verge of rapture.

The dame, who was naturally compassionate, sympathised with his
condition, and, unable to resist his pathetic supplications, gave him to
understand that his desire could not be granted, without subjecting them
both to some hazard, but that she was disposed to run any risk in behalf
of his happiness and peace.  After this affectionate preamble, she told
him that her husband was then engaged in a quarterly meeting of the
jewellers, from whence he never failed to return quite overwhelmed with
wine, tobacco, and the phlegm of his own constitution; so that he would
fall fast asleep as soon as his head should touch the pillow, and she be
at liberty to entertain the lover without interruption, provided he could
find means to deceive the jealous vigilance of Wilhelmina, and conceal
himself in some corner of the house, unsuspected and unperceived.

Our lover, remembering his adventure with the daughter, would have
willingly dispensed with this expedient, and began to repent of the
eagerness with which he had preferred his solicitation; but, seeing there
was now no opportunity of retracting with honour, he affected to enter
heartily into the conversation, and, after much canvassing, it was
determined, that, while Wilhelmina was employed in the kitchen, the
mother should conduct our adventurer to the outer door, where he should
pay the compliment of parting, so as to be overheard by the young lady;
but, in the meantime, glide softly into the jeweller's bedchamber, which
was a place they imagined least liable to the effects of a daughter's
prying disposition, and conceal himself in a large press or wardrobe,
that stood in one corner of the apartment.  The scene was immediately
acted with great success, and our hero cooped up in his cage, where he
waited so long, that his desires began to subside, and his imagination to
aggravate the danger of his situation.

"Suppose," said he to himself, "this brutal German, instead of being
stupefied with wine, should come home inflamed with brandy, to the use of
which he is sometimes addicted, far from feeling any inclination to
sleep, he will labour under the most fretful anxiety of watching; every
irascible particle in his disposition will be exasperated; he will be
offended with every object that may present itself to his view; and, if
there is the least ingredient of jealousy in his temper, it will manifest
itself in riot and rage.  What if his frenzy should prompt him to search
his wife's chamber for gallants? this would certainly be the first place
to which he would direct his inquiry; or, granting this supposition
chimerical, I may be seized with an irresistible inclination to cough,
before he is oppressed with sleep; he may be waked by the noise I shall
make in disengaging myself from this embarrassed situation; and, finally,
I may find it impracticable to retire unseen or unheard, after everything
else shall have succeeded to my wish."

These suggestions did not at all contribute to the quiet of our
adventurer, who, having waited three whole hours in the most
uncomfortable suspense, heard the jeweller brought into the room in that
very condition which his fears had prognosticated.  He had, it seems,
quarrelled over his cups with another tradesman, and received a
salutation on the forehead with a candlestick, which not only left an
ignominious and painful mark upon his countenance, but even disordered
his brain to a very dangerous degree of delirium; so that, instead of
allowing himself quietly to be undressed and put to bed by his wife, he
answered all her gentle admonitions and caresses with the most
opprobrious invectives and obstreperous behaviour; and, though he did not
tax her with infidelity to his bed, he virulently accused her of
extravagance and want of economy; observed, her expensive way of living
would bring him to a morsel of bread; and unfortunately recollecting the
attempt of the supposed thief, started up from his chair, swearing by
G--'s mother that he would forthwith arm himself with a brace of pistols,
and search every apartment in the house.  "That press," said he, with
great vociferation, "may, for aught I know, be the receptacle of some
ruffian."

So saying, he approached the ark in which Fathom was embarked, and
exclaiming, "Come forth, Satan," applied his foot to the door of it, with
such violence as threw him from the centre of gravity, and laid him
sprawling on his back.  This address made such an impression upon our
adventurer, that he had well-nigh obeyed the summons, and burst from his
concealment, in a desperate effort to escape, without being recognised by
the intoxicated German; and indeed, had the application been repeated, he
in all likelihood would have tried the experiment, for by this time his
terrors had waxed too strong to be much longer suppressed.  From this
hazardous enterprise he was, however, exempted by a lucky accident that
happened to his disturber, whose head chancing to pitch upon the corner
of a chair in his fall, he was immediately lulled into a trance, during
which the considerate lady, guessing the disorder of her gallant, and
dreading further interruption, very prudently released him from his
confinement, after she had put out the light, and in the dark conveyed
him to the door, where he was comforted with the promise that she would
punctually remember the rendezvous of next day.

She then invoked the assistance of the servants, who, being waked for the
purpose, lifted up their master, and tumbled him into bed, while
Ferdinand hied him home in an universal sweat, blessing himself from any
future achievement of that sort in a house where he had been twice in
such imminent danger of life and reputation.  Nevertheless, he did not
fail to honour the assignation, and avail himself of the disposition his
mistress manifested to make him all the recompense in her power for the
disappointment and chagrin which he had undergone.




CHAPTER FIFTEEN

BUT AT LENGTH SUCCEEDS IN HIS ATTEMPT UPON BOTH.

Having thus gained a complete victory over the affections of these two
ladies, he began to convert his good fortune to the purposes of that
principle, from which his view was never, no, not for a moment, detached.
In other words, he used them as ministers and purveyors to his avarice
and fraud.  As for the mother-in-law, she was of herself so liberal as to
anticipate the wishes of any moderate adventurer, and presented him with
sundry valuable jewels, as memorials of her esteem; nor was the daughter
backward in such expressions of regard; she already considered his
interest as her own, and took frequent opportunities of secreting for his
benefit certain stray trinkets that she happened to pick up in her
excursions within doors.

All these gratifications he received with demonstrations of infinite
constraint and reluctance, and, in the midst of his rapacious extortion,
acted so cunningly as to impose himself upon both for a miracle of
disinterested integrity.  Yet, not contented with what he thus could
earn, and despairing of being able to steer the bark of his fortune for
any length of time between two such dangerous quicksands, he resolved to
profit by the occasion while it lasted, and strike some considerable
stroke at once.  A plan was formed in consequence of this determination,
and, at an appointment with the mother in the house of their female
friend, our adventurer appeared with an air of dejection, which he veiled
with a thin cover of forced pleasantry, that his mistress might suppose
he endeavoured to conceal some mortal chagrin that preyed upon his heart.

The stratagem succeeded to his wish.  She observed his countenance
between whiles overcast, took notice of the involuntary sighs he heaved;
and, with the most tender expressions of sympathy, conjured him to make
her acquainted with the cause of his affliction.  Instead of gratifying
her request immediately, he evaded her questions with a respectful
reserve, implying, that his love would not suffer him to make her a
partner in his sorrow; and this delicacy on his part whetted her
impatience and concern to such a degree, that, rather than keep her in
such an agony of doubt and apprehension, he was prevailed upon to tell
her, that he had been, the preceding night, engaged with a company of his
fellow-students, where he had made too free with the champagne, so that
his caution forsook him, and he had been decoyed into play by a Tyrolese
gamester, who stripped him of all his ready money, and obtained from him
an obligation for two hundred florins, which he could not possibly pay
without having recourse to his relation the Count de Melvil, who would
have just cause to be incensed at his extravagance.

This information he concluded, by declaring that, cost what it would, he
was resolved to make a candid confession of the truth, and throw himself
entirely upon the generosity of his patron, who could inflict no other
punishment than that of discarding him from his favour and protection,--a
misfortune which, how grievous soever it might be, he should be able to
sustain with fortitude, could he fall upon some method of satisfying the
Tyrolese, who was very importunate and savage in his demand.  His kind
mistress no sooner found out the source of his inquietude, than she
promised to dry it up, assuring him that next day, at the same hour, she
would enable him to discharge the debt; so that he might set his heart at
ease, and recollect that gaiety which was the soul of her enjoyment.

He expressed the utmost astonishment at this generous proffer, which,
however, he declined, with an affected earnestness of refusal,
protesting, that he should be extremely mortified, if he thought she
looked upon him as one of those mercenary gallants who could make such a
sordid use of a lady's affection.  "No, madam," cried our politician in a
pathetic strain, "whatever happens, I shall never part with that internal
consolation, that conscious honour never fails to yield in the deepest
scenes of solitary distress.  The attachment I have the honour to profess
for your amiable person, is not founded on such inglorious motives, but
is the genuine result of that generous passion which none but the
noble-minded feel, and the only circumstance of this misfortune that I
dread to encounter, is the necessity of withdrawing myself for ever from
the presence of her whose genial smiles could animate my soul against all
the persecution of adverse fortune."

This declamation, accompanied with a profound sigh, served only to
inflame her desire of extricating him from the difficulty in which he was
involved.  She exhausted all her eloquence in attempting to persuade him
that his refusal was an outrage against her affection.  He pretended to
refute her arguments, and remained unshaken by all the power of her
solicitations, until she had recourse to the most passionate
remonstrances of love, and fell at his feet in the posture of a forlorn
shepherdess.  What he refused to her reason, he granted to her tears,
because his heart was melted by her affliction, and next day condescended
to accept of her money, out of pure regard to her happiness and peace.

Encouraged by the success of this achievement, he resolved to practise
the same experiment upon Wilhelmina, in hope of extracting an equal share
of profit from her simplicity and attachment, and, at their very next
nocturnal rendezvous in her chamber, reacted the farce already rehearsed,
with a small variation, which he thought necessary to stimulate the young
lady in his behalf.  He rightly concluded, that she was by no means
mistress of such a considerable sum as he had already extorted from her
mother, and therefore thought proper to represent himself in the most
urgent predicament, that her apprehension, on his account, might be so
alarmed as to engage her in some enterprise for his advantage, which
otherwise she would never have dreamed of undertaking.  With this view,
after having described his own calamitous situation, in consequence of
her pressing entreaties, which he affected to evade, he gave her to
understand, that there was no person upon earth to whom he would have
recourse in this emergency; for which reason he was determined to rid
himself of all his cares at once, upon the friendly point of his own
faithful sword.

Such a dreadful resolution could not fail to operate upon the tender
passions of his Dulcinea; she was instantly seized with an agony of fear
and distraction.  Her grief manifested itself in a flood of tears, while
she hung round his neck, conjuring him in the most melting terms, by
their mutual love, in which they had been so happy, to lay aside that
fatal determination, which would infallibly involve her in the same fate;
for, she took Heaven to witness, that she would not one moment survive
the knowledge of his death.

He was not deficient in expressions of reciprocal regard.  He extolled
her love and tenderness with a most extravagant eulogium, and seemed
wrung with mortal anguish at the prospect of parting for ever from his
lovely Wilhelmina; but his honour was a stern and rigid creditor, that
could not be appeased, except with his blood; and all the boon she could
obtain, by dint of the most woful supplication, was a promise to defer
the execution of his baleful purpose for the space of four-and-twenty
hours, during which she hoped Heaven would compassionate her sufferings,
and inspire her with some contrivance for their mutual relief.  Thus he
yielded to her fervent request, rather with a view to calm the present
transports of her sorrow, than with any expectation of seeing himself
redeemed from his fate by her interposition; such at least were his
professions when he took his leave, assuring her, that he would not quit
his being before he should have devoted a few hours to another interview
with the dear object of his love.

Having thus kindled the train, he did not doubt that the mine of his
craft would take effect, and repaired to his own lodging, in full
persuasion of seeing his aim accomplished, before the time fixed for
their last assignation.  His prognostic was next morning verified by the
arrival of a messenger, who brought to him a small parcel, to which was
cemented, with sealing wax, the following epistle:--

"JEWEL OF MY SOUL!--Scarce had you, last night, quitted my disconsolate
arms, when I happily recollected that there was in my possession a gold
chain, of value more than sufficient to answer the exigence of your
present occasions.  It was pledged to my grandfather for two hundred
crowns by a knight of Malta, who soon after perished in a sea engagement
with the enemies of our faith, so that it became the property of our
house, and was bequeathed to me by the old gentleman, as a memorial of
his particular affection.  Upon whom can I more properly bestow it, than
him who is already master of my heart!  Receive it, therefore, from the
bearer of this billet, and convert it, without scruple, to that use which
shall be most conducive to your ease and satisfaction; nor seek, from a
true romantic notion of honour, which I know you entertain, to excuse
yourself from accepting this testimony of my affection.  For I have
already sworn before an image of our blessed Lady, that I will no longer
own you as the sovereign of my heart, nor even indulge you with another
interview, if you reject this mark of tenderness and concern from your
ever faithful                            WILHELMINA."

The heart of our adventurer began to bound with joy when he surveyed the
contents of this letter; and his eyes sparkled with transport at sight of
the chain, which he immediately perceived to be worth twice the sum she
had mentioned.  Nevertheless, he would not avail himself, without further
question, of her generosity; but, that same night, repairing to her
apartment at the usual hour of meeting, he prostrated himself before her,
and counterfeiting extreme agitation of spirit, begged, in the most
urgent terms, not even unaccompanied with tears, that she would take back
the present, which he tendered for her acceptance, and spare him the most
insufferable mortification of thinking himself exposed to the imputation
of being mercenary in his love.  Such, he said, was the delicacy of his
passion, that he could not possibly exist under the apprehension of
incurring a censure so unworthy of his sentiments; and he would a
thousand times sooner undergo the persecution of his rancorous creditor,
than bear the thought of being in the smallest consideration lessened in
her esteem; nay, so far did he carry his pretensions to punctilio, as to
protest, that, should she refuse to quiet the scruples of his honour on
this score, her unyielding beneficence would serve only to hasten the
execution of his determined purpose, to withdraw himself at once from a
life of vanity and misfortune.

The more pathetically he pleaded for her compliance, the more strenuously
did she resist his remonstrances.  She advanced all the arguments her
reason, love, and terror could suggest, reminded him of her oath, from
which he could not suppose she would recede, whatever the consequence
might be; and in conclusion vowed to Heaven, with great solemnity and
devotion, that she would not survive the news of his death.  Thus the
alternative she offered was either to retain the chain and be happy in
her affection, or forfeit all title to her love, and die in the
conviction of having brought his innocent mistress to an untimely grave.

His fortitude was not proof against this last consideration.  "My savage
honour," said he, "would enable me to endure the pangs of eternal
separation in the confidence of being endowed with the power of ending
these tortures by the energy of my own hand; but the prospect of
Wilhelmina's death, and that too occasioned by my inflexibility, disarms
my soul of all her resolution, swallows up the dictates of my jealous
pride, and fills my bosom with such a gush of tenderness and sorrow, as
overwhelms the whole economy of my purpose!  Yes, enchanting creature! I
sacrifice my glory to that irresistible reflection; and, rather than know
myself the cruel instrument of robbing the world of such perfection,
consent to retain the fatal testimony of your love."

So saying, he pocketed the chain, with an air of ineffable mortification,
and was rewarded for his compliance with the most endearing caresses of
his Dulcinea, who, amidst the tumults of her joy, ejaculated a thousand
acknowledgments to Heaven for having blessed her with the affection of
such a man, whose honour was unrivalled by anything but his love.




CHAPTER SIXTEEN

HIS SUCCESS BEGETS A BLIND SECURITY, BY WHICH HE IS ONCE AGAIN WELL-NIGH
ENTRAPPED IN HIS DULCINEA'S APARTMENT.


In this manner did the crafty Fathom turn to account those ingratiating
qualifications he inherited from nature, and maintain, with incredible
assiduity and circumspection, an amorous correspondence with two domestic
rivals, who watched the conduct of each other with the most indefatigable
virulence of envious suspicion, until an accident happened, which had
well-nigh overturned the bark of his policy, and induced him to alter the
course, that he might not be shipwrecked on the rocks that began to
multiply in the prosecution of his present voyage.

The jeweller, who, as a German, wanted neither pride nor ostentation,
never failed to celebrate the anniversary of his birth by an annual feast
granted to his neighbours and friends; and on these occasions was
accustomed to wear that chain which, though bequeathed to his daughter,
he considered as an ornament appertaining to the family, whereof he
himself was head.  Accordingly, when the time of this festival revolved,
he, as usual, ordered Wilhelmina to surrender it for the day.  This
injunction, the reader will perceive, our young lady was in no condition
to obey; she had, however, foreseen the demand, and contrived a scheme of
behaviour for the occasion, which she forthwith put in execution.

With an air of uncommon cheerfulness, purposely assumed, she retired to
her closet, on pretence of complying with his desire, and, having
employed a few minutes in rummaging her drawers and disordering her
moveables, uttered a loud shriek, that brought her father instantly into
the apartment, where he found his daughter tossing about her clothes and
trinkets with violent demonstrations of disorder and affright, and heard
her, in a lamentable strain, declare that she was robbed of her chain,
and for ever undone.  This was so far from being an agreeable intimation
to the jeweller, that he was struck dumb with astonishment and vexation,
and it was not till after a long pause that he pronounced the word
Sacrament! with an emphasis denoting the most mortifying surprise.

Soon as that exclamation escaped from his lips, he flew to the escritoire
as if instinctively, and, joining Wilhelmina in her occupation, tumbled
its whole contents upon the floor in a trice.

While he was thus employed, in the most expressive silence, the wife of
his bosom chanced to pass that way, and seeing them both occupied with
such violence and trepidation, believed at first that they were certainly
actuated by the spirit of frenzy; but, when she interposed, by asking,
with great earnestness, the cause of such transports and distracted
behaviour, and heard her husband reply, with an accent of despair, "The
chain! the chain of my forefathers is no more!" she immediately justified
his emotion, by undergoing the same alarm, and, without further
hesitation, engaged herself in the search, beginning with a song, which
might be compared to the hymn of battle among the Greeks, or rather more
aptly to that which the Spartan females sung round the altar of Diana,
surnamed Orthian; for it was attended with strange gesticulations, and,
in the course of utterance, became so loud and shrill, that the guests,
who were by this time partly assembled, being confounded at the clamour,
rushed towards the place from whence it seemed to proceed, and found
their landlord, with his wife and daughter, in the attitudes of
distraction and despair.

When they understood the nature of the case, they condoled the family on
their misfortune, and would have retired, on the supposition that it
would defeat the mirthful intent of their meeting; but the jeweller,
mustering up his whole temper and hospitality, entreated them to excuse
his disorder, and favour him with their company, which, he observed, was
now more than ever wanted, to dispel the melancholy ideas inspired by his
loss.  Notwithstanding this apology, and the efforts he made in the
sequel to entertain his friends with jollity and good-humour, his heart
was so linked to the chain, that he could not detach himself from the
thoughts of it, which invaded him at short intervals in such qualms as
effectually spoiled his appetite, and hindered his digestion.

He revolved within himself the circumstances of his disaster, and, in
canvassing all the probable means by which the chain would be stolen,
concluded that the deed must have been done by some person in the family,
who, in consequence of having access to his daughter's chamber, had
either found the drawer left open by her carelessness and neglect, or
found means to obtain a false key, by some waxen impression; for the
locks of the escritoire were safe and uninjured.  His suspicion being
thus confined within his own house, sometimes pitched upon his workmen,
and sometimes upon his wife, who, he thought, was the more likely to
practise such finesse, as she considered Wilhelmina in the light of a
daughter-in-law, whose interest interfered with her own, and who had
often harangued to him in private on the folly of leaving this very chain
in the young lady's possession.

The more he considered this subject, he thought he saw the more reason to
attribute the damage he had sustained to the machinations of his spouse,
who, he did not doubt, was disposed to feather her own nest, at the
expense of him and his heirs, and who, with the same honest intention,
had already secreted, for her private use, those inconsiderable jewels
which of late had at different times been missing.  Aroused by these
sentiments, he resolved to retaliate her own schemes, by contriving means
to visit her cabinet in secret, and, if possible, to rob the robber of
the spoils she had gathered to his prejudice, without coming to any
explanation, which might end in domestic turmoils and eternal disquiet.

While the husband exercised his reflection in this manner, his innocent
mate did not allow the powers of her imagination to rest in idleness and
sloth.  Her observations touching the loss of the chain were such as a
suspicious woman, biassed by hatred and envy, would naturally make.  To
her it seemed highly improbable, that a thing of such value, so carefully
deposited, should vanish without the connivance of its keeper, and
without much expense of conjecture, divined the true manner in which it
was conveyed.  The sole difficulty that occurred in the researches of her
sagacity, was to know the gallant who had been favoured with such a
pledge of Wilhelmina's affection; for, as the reader will easily imagine,
she never dreamed of viewing Ferdinand in that odious perspective.  In
order to satisfy her curiosity, discover this happy favourite, and be
revenged on her petulant rival, she prevailed upon the jeweller to employ
a scout, who should watch all night upon the stair, without the knowledge
of any other person in the family, alleging, that in all likelihood, the
housemaid gave private admittance to some lover who was the author of all
the losses they had lately suffered, and that they might possibly detect
him in his nocturnal adventures; and observing that it would be imprudent
to intimate their design to Wilhelmina, lest, through the heedlessness
and indiscretion of youth, she might chance to divulge the secret, so as
to frustrate their aim.

A Swiss, in whose honesty the German could confide, being hired for this
purpose, was posted in a dark corner of the staircase, within a few paces
of the door, which he was directed to watch, and actually stood sentinel
three nights, without perceiving the least object of suspicion; but, on
the fourth, the evil stars of our adventurer conducted him to the spot,
on his voyage to the apartment of his Dulcinea, with whom he had
preconcerted the assignation.  Having made the signal, which consisted of
two gentle taps on her door, he was immediately admitted; and the Swiss
no sooner saw him fairly housed, than he crept softly to the other door,
that was left open for the purpose, and gave immediate intimation of what
he had perceived.  This intelligence, however, he could not convey so
secretly, but the lovers, who were always vigilant upon these occasions,
overheard a sort of commotion in the jeweller's chamber, the cause of
which their apprehension was ingenious enough to comprehend.

We have formerly observed that our adventurer could not make his retreat
by the door, without running a very great risk of being detected, and the
expedient of the chimney he had no inclination to repeat; so that he
found himself in a very uncomfortable dilemma, and was utterly abandoned
by all his invention and address, when his mistress, in a whisper,
desired him to begin a dialogue, aloud, in an apology, importing, that he
had mistaken the door, and that his intention was to visit her father,
touching a ring belonging to the young Count Melvil, which she knew
Fathom had put into his hands, in order to be altered.

Ferdinand, seizing the hint, availed himself of it without delay, and,
unbolting the door, pronounced in an audible voice, "Upon my honour,
Mademoiselle, you wrong my intention, if you imagine I came hither with
any disrespectful or dishonourable motive.  I have business with your
father, which cannot be delayed till to-morrow, without manifest
prejudice to my friend and myself; therefore I took the liberty of
visiting him at these untimely hours, and it has been my misfortune to
mistake the door in the dark.  I beg pardon for my involuntary intrusion,
and again assure you, that nothing was farther from my thoughts than any
design to violate that respect which I have always entertained for you
and your father's family."

To this remonstrance, which was distinctly heard by the German and his
wife, who by this time stood listening at the door, the young lady
replied, in a shrill accent of displeasure, "Sir, I am bound to believe
that all your actions are conducted by honour; but you must give me leave
to tell you, that your mistake is a little extraordinary, and your visit,
even to my father, at this time of the night, altogether unseasonable, if
not mysterious.  As for the interruption I have suffered in my repose, I
impute it to my own forgetfulness, in leaving my door unlocked, and blame
myself so severely for the omission, that I shall, to-morrow, put it out
of my own power to be guilty of the like for the future, by ordering the
passage to be nailed up; meanwhile, if you would persuade me of your
well-meaning, you will instantly withdraw, lest my reputation should
suffer by your continuance in my apartment."

"Madam," answered our hero, "I will not give you an opportunity to repeat
the command, which I shall forthwith obey, after having entreated you
once more to forgive the disturbance I have given."  So saying, he gently
opened the door, and, at sight of the German and his wife, who, he well
knew, waited for his exit, started back, and gave tokens of confusion,
which was partly real and partly affected.  The jeweller, fully satisfied
with Fathom's declaration to his daughter, received him with a
complaisant look, and, in order to alleviate his concern, gave him to
understand, that he already knew the reason of his being in that
apartment, and desired to be informed of what had procured him the honour
to see him at such a juncture.

"My dear friend," said our adventurer, pretending to recollect himself
with difficulty, "I am utterly ashamed and confounded to be discovered in
this situation; but, as you have overheard what passed between
Mademoiselle and me, I know you will do justice to my intention, and
forgive my mistake.  After begging pardon for having intruded upon your
family at these hours, I must now tell you that my cousin, Count Melvil,
was some time ago so much misrepresented to his mother by certain
malicious informers, who delight in sowing discord in private families,
that she actually believed her son an extravagant spendthrift, who had
not only consumed his remittances in the most riotous scenes of disorder,
but also indulged a pernicious appetite for gaming, to such a degree,
that he had lost all his clothes and jewels at play.  In consequence of
such false information, she expostulated with him in a severe letter, and
desired he would transmit to her that ring which is in your custody, it
being a family stone, for which she expressed an inestimable value.  The
young gentleman, in his answer to her reproof, endeavoured to vindicate
himself from the aspersions which had been cast upon his character, and,
with regard to the ring, told her it was at present in the hands of a
jeweller, in order to be new set according to her own directions, and
that, whenever it should be altered, he would send it home to her by some
safe conveyance.  This account the good lady took for an evasion, and
upon that supposition has again written to him, in such a provoking
style, that, although the letter arrived but half an hour ago, he is
determined to despatch a courier before morning with the mischievous
ring, for which, in compliance with the impetuosity of his temper, I have
taken the freedom to disturb you at this unseasonable hour."

The German paid implicit faith to every circumstance of his story, which
indeed could not well be supposed to be invented extempore; the ring was
immediately restored, and our adventurer took his leave, congratulating
himself upon his signal deliverance from the snare in which he had
fallen.




CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

THE STEP-DAME'S SUSPICIONS BEING AWAKENED, SHE LAYS A SNARE FOR OUR
ADVENTURER, FROM WHICH HE IS DELIVERED BY THE INTERPOSITION OF HIS GOOD
GENIUS.


Though the husband swallowed the bait without further inquiry, the
penetration of the wife was not so easily deceived.  That same dialogue
in Wilhelmina's apartment, far from allaying, rather inflamed her
suspicion; because, in the like emergency, she herself had once profited
by the same, or nearly the same contrivance.  Without communicating her
doubts to the father, she resolved to double her attention to the
daughter's future conduct, and keep such a strict eye over the behaviour
of our gallant, that he should find it very difficult, if not impossible,
to elude her observation.  For this purpose she took into her pay an old
maiden, of the right sour disposition, who lived in a house opposite to
her own, and directed her to follow the young lady in all her outgoings,
whenever she should receive from the window a certain signal, which the
mother-in-law agreed to make for the occasion.  It was not long before
this scheme succeeded to her wish.  The door of communication betwixt
Wilhelmina's apartment and the staircase being nailed up by the
jeweller's express order, our adventurer was altogether deprived of those
opportunities he had hitherto enjoyed, and was not at all mortified to
find himself so restricted in a correspondence which began to be tiresome
and disagreeable.  But the case was far otherwise with his Dulcinea,
whose passion, the more it was thwarted, raged with greater violence,
like a fire, that, from the attempts that are made to extinguish it,
gathers greater force, and flames with double fury.

Upon the second day of her misfortune, she had written a very tender
billet, lamenting her unhappiness in being deprived of those meetings
which constituted the chief joy of her life, and entreating him to
contrive some means of renewing the delicious commerce in an unsuspected
place.  This intimation she proposed to convey privately into the hand of
her lover, during his next visit to the family; but both were so narrowly
eyed by the mother, that she found the execution of her design
impracticable; and next forenoon, on pretence of going to church,
repaired to the house of a companion, who, being also her confidant,
undertook to deliver the billet with her own hand.

The she-dragon employed by her mother, in obedience to the sign which was
displayed from the window immediately put on her veil, and followed
Wilhelmina at a distance, until she saw her fairly housed.  She would not
even then return from her excursion, but hovered about in sight of the
door, with a view of making further observations.  In less than five
minutes after the young lady disappeared, the scout perceived her coming
out, accompanied by her comrade, from whom she instantly parted, and bent
her way towards the church in good earnest, while the other steered her
course in another direction.  The duenna, after a moment's suspense and
consideration, divined the true cause of this short visit, and resolved
to watch the motions of the confidant, whom she traced to the academy in
which our hero lodged, and from which she saw her return, after the
supposed message was delivered.

Fraught with this intelligence, the rancorous understrapper hied her home
to the jeweller's wife, and made a faithful recital of what she had seen,
communicating at the same time her own conjectures on that subject.  Her
employer was equally astonished and incensed at this information.  She
was seized with all that frenzy which takes possession of a slighted
woman, when she finds herself supplanted by a detested rival; and, in the
first transports of her indignation, devoted them as sacrifices to her
vengeance.  Nor was her surprise so much the effect of his dissimulation,
as of his want of taste and discernment.  She inveighed against him, not
as the most treacherous lover, but as the most abject wretch, in courting
the smiles of such an awkward dowdy, while he enjoyed the favours of a
woman who had numbered princes in the train of her admirers.  For the
brilliancy of her attractions, such as they at present shone, she
appealed to the decision of her minister, who consulted her own
satisfaction and interest, by flattering the other's vanity and
resentment; and so unaccountable did the depravity of our hero's judgment
appear to this conceited dame, that she began to believe there was some
mistake in the person, and to hope that Wilhelmina's gallant was not in
reality her professed admirer, Mr. Fathom, but rather one of his
fellow-lodgers, whose passion he favoured with his mediation and
assistance.

On this notion, which nothing but mere vanity could have inspired, in
opposition to so many more weighty presumptions, she took the resolution
of bringing the affair to a fuller explanation, before she would concert
any measures to the prejudice of our adventurer, and forthwith despatched
her spy back to his lodgings, to solicit, on the part of Wilhelmina, an
immediate answer to the letter he had received.  This was an expedition
with which the old maiden would have willingly dispensed, because it was
founded upon an uncertainty, which might be attended with troublesome
consequences; but, rather than be the means of retarding a negotiation so
productive of that sort of mischief which is particularly agreeable to
all of her tribe, she undertook to manage and effect the discovery, in
full confidence of her own talents and experience.

With such a fund of self-sufficiency and instigation, she repaired to the
academy on the instant, and inquiring for Mr. Fathom, was introduced to
his apartment, where she found him in the very act of writing a billet to
the jeweller's daughter.  The artful agent having asked, with the
mysterious air of an expert go-between, if he had not lately received a
message from a certain young lady, and, being answered in the
affirmative, gave him to understand, that she herself was a person
favoured with the friendship and confidence of Wilhelmina, whom she had
known from her cradle, and often dandled on her knee; then, in the
genuine style of a prattling dry nurse, she launched out in encomiums on
his Dulcinea's beauty and sweetness of temper, recounting many simple
occurrences of her infancy and childhood; and, finally, desiring a more
circumstantial answer to that which she had sent to him by her friend
Catherina.  In the course of her loquacity she had also, according to her
instructions, hinted at the misfortune of the door; and, on the whole,
performed her cue with such dexterity and discretion that our politician
was actually overreached, and, having finished his epistle, committed it
to her care, with many verbal expressions of eternal love and fidelity to
his charming Wilhelmina.

The messenger, doubly rejoiced at her achievement, which not only
recommended her ministry, but also gratified her malice, returned to her
principal with great exultation, and, delivering the letter, the reader
will easily conceive the transports of that lady when she read the
contents of it in these words:--

"ANGELIC WILHELMINA!--To forget those ecstatic scenes we have enjoyed
together, or even live without the continuation of that mutual bliss,
were to quit all title to perception, and resign every hope of future
happiness.  No! my charmer, while my head retains the least spark of
invention, and my heart glows with the resolution of a man, our
correspondence shall not be cut off by the machinations of an envious
stepmother, who never had attractions to inspire a generous passion; and,
now that age and wrinkles have destroyed what little share of beauty she
once possessed, endeavours, like the fiend in paradise, to blast those
joys in others, from which she is herself eternally excluded.  Doubt not,
dear sovereign of my soul! that I will study, with all the eagerness of
desiring love, how to frustrate her malicious intention, and renew those
transporting moments, the remembrance of which now warms the breast of
your ever constant                               FATHOM."

Had our hero murdered her father, or left her a disconsolate widow, by
effecting the death of her dear husband, there might have been a
possibility of her exerting the Christian virtues of resignation and
forgiveness; but such a personal outrage as that contained in this
epistle precluded all hope of pardon, and rendered penitence of no
signification.  His atrocious crime being now fully ascertained, this
virago gave a loose to her resentment, which became so loud and
tempestuous, that her informer shuddered at the storm she had raised, and
began to repent of having communicated the intelligence which seemed to
have such a violent effect upon hex brain.

She endeavoured, however, to allay the agitation, by flattering her fancy
with the prospect of revenge, and gradually soothed her into a state of
deliberate ire; during which she determined to take ample vengeance on
the delinquent.  In the zenith of her rage, she would have had immediate
recourse to poison or steel, had she not been diverted from her mortal
purpose by her counsellor, who represented the danger of engaging in such
violent measures, and proposed a more secure scheme, in the execution of
which she would see the perfidious wretch sufficiently punished, without
any hazard to her own person or reputation.  She advised her to inform
the jeweller of Fathom's efforts to seduce her conjugal fidelity, and
impart to him a plan, by which he would have it in his power to detect
our adventurer in the very act of practising upon her virtue.

The lady relished her proposal, and actually resolved to make an
assignation with Ferdinand, as usual, and give notice of the appointment
to her husband, that he might personally discover the treachery of his
pretended friend, and inflict upon him such chastisement as the German's
brutal disposition should suggest, when inflamed by that species of
provocation.  Had this project been brought to bear, Ferdinand, in all
likelihood, would have been disqualified from engaging in any future
intrigue; but fate ordained that the design should be defeated, in order
to reserve him for more important occasions.

Before the circumstances of the plan could be adjusted, it was his good
fortune to meet his Dulcinea in the street, and, in the midst of their
mutual condolence on the interruption they had suffered in their
correspondence, he assured her, that he would never give his invention
respite, until he should have verified the protestations contained in the
letter he had delivered to her discreet agent.  This allusion to a billet
she had never received, did not fail to alarm her fears, and introduce a
very mortifying explanation, in which he so accurately described the
person of the messenger, that she forthwith comprehended the plot, and
communicated to our hero her sentiments on that subject.

Though he expressed infinite anxiety and chagrin at this misfortune,
which could not fail to raise new obstacles to their love, his heart was
a stranger to the uneasiness he affected; and rather pleased with the
occasion, which would furnish him with pretences to withdraw himself
gradually from an intercourse by this time become equally cloying and
unprofitable.  Being well acquainted with the mother's temperament, he
guessed the present situation of her thoughts, and concluding she would
make the jeweller a party in her revenge, he resolved from that moment to
discontinue his visits, and cautiously guard against any future interview
with the lady whom he had rendered so implacable.

It was well for our adventurer that his good fortune so seasonably
interposed; for that same day, in the afternoon, he was favoured with a
billet from the jeweller's wife, couched in the same tender style she had
formerly used, and importing an earnest desire of seeing him next day at
the wonted rendezvous.  Although his penetration was sufficient to
perceive the drift of this message, or at least to discern the risk he
should run in complying with her request, yet he was willing to be more
fully certified of the truth of his suspicion, and wrote an answer to the
billet, in which he assured her, that he would repair to the place of
appointment with all the punctuality of an impatient lover.
Nevertheless, instead of performing this promise, he, in the morning,
took post in a public-house opposite to the place of assignation, in
order to reconnoitre the ground, and about noon had the pleasure of
seeing the German, wrapped in a cloak, enter the door of his wife's
she-friend, though the appointment was fixed at five in the evening.
Fathom blessed his good angel for having conducted him clear of this
conspiracy, and kept his station with great tranquillity till the hour of
meeting, when he beheld his enraged Thalestris take the same route, and
enjoyed her disappointment with ineffable satisfaction.

Thus favoured with a pretext, he took his leave of her, in a letter,
giving her to understand, that he was no stranger to the barbarous snare
she had laid for him; and upbraiding her with having made such an
ungrateful return for all his tenderness and attachment.  She was not
backward in conveying a reply to this expostulation, which seemed to have
been dictated in all the distraction of a proud woman who sees her
vengeance baffled, as well as her love disdained.  Her letter was nothing
but a succession of reproaches, menaces, and incoherent execrations.  She
taxed him with knavery, insensibility, and dissimulation; imprecated a
thousand curses upon his head, and threatened not only to persecute his
life with all the arts that hell and malice could inspire, but also to
wound him in the person of her daughter-in-law, who should be enclosed
for life in a convent, where she should have leisure to repent of those
loose and disorderly practices which he had taught her to commit, and of
which she could not pretend innocence, as they had it in their power to
confront her with the evidence of her lover's own confession.  Yet all
this denunciation was qualified with an alternative, by which he was
given to understand, that the gates of mercy were still open, and that
penitence was capable of washing out the deepest stain of guilt.

Ferdinand read the whole remonstrance with great composure and
moderation, and was content to incur the hazard of her hate, rather than
put her to the trouble of making such an effort of generosity, as would
induce her to forgive the heinous offence he had committed; nor did his
apprehension for Wilhelmina in the least influence his behaviour on this
occasion.  So zealous was he for her spiritual concerns, that he would
have been glad to hear she had actually taken the veil; but he knew such
a step was not at all agreeable to her disposition, and that no violence
would be offered to her inclinations on that score, unless her stepmother
should communicate to the father that letter of Fathom's which she had
intercepted, and by which the German would be convinced of his daughter's
backsliding; but this measure, he rightly supposed, the wife would not
venture to take, lest the husband, instead of taking her advice touching
the young lady, should seek to compromise the affair, by offering her in
marriage to her debaucher, a proffer which, if accepted, would overwhelm
the mother with vexation and despair.  He therefore chose to trust to the
effects of lenient time, which he hoped would gradually weaken the
resentment of this Penthesilea, and dissolve his connexion with the other
parts of the family, from which he longed to be totally detached.

How well soever he might have succeeded in his attempts to shake off the
yoke of the mother, who by her situation in life was restrained from
prosecuting those measures her resentment had planned against his
fortitude and indifference, he would have found greater difficulty than
he had foreseen, in disengaging himself from the daughter, whose
affections he had won under the most solemn professions of honour and
fidelity, and who, now she was debarred of his company and conversation,
and in danger of losing him for ever, had actually taken the resolution
of disclosing the amour to her father, that he might interpose in behalf
of her peace and reputation, and secure her happiness by the sanction of
the church.




CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

OUR HERO DEPARTS FROM VIENNA, AND QUITS THE DOMAIN OF VENUS FOR THE ROUGH
FIELD OF MARS.


Luckily for our adventurer, before she adhered to this determination, the
young Count de Melvil was summoned to Presburg by his father, who desired
to see him, before he should take the field, in consequence of a rupture
between the Emperor and the French King; and Fathom of course quitted
Vienna, in order to attend his patron, after he and Renaldo had resided
two whole years in that capital, where the former had made himself
perfect in all the polite exercises, become master of the French tongue,
and learned to speak the Italian with great facility; over and above
those other accomplishments in which we have represented him as an
inimitable original.

As for the young Count, his exteriors were so much improved by the
company to which he had access, since his departure from his father's
house, that his parents were equally surprised and overjoyed at the
alteration.  All that awkwardness and rusticity, which hung upon his
deportment, was, like the rough coat of a diamond, polished away; the
connexion and disposition of his limbs seemed to have been adjusted anew;
his carriage was become easy, his air perfectly genteel, and his
conversation gay and unrestrained.  The merit of this reformation was in
a great measure ascribed to the care and example of Mr. Fathom, who was
received by the old Count and his lady with marks of singular friendship
and esteem; nor was he overlooked by Mademoiselle, who still remained in
a state of celibacy, and seemed to have resigned all hope of altering her
condition; she expressed uncommon satisfaction at the return of her old
favourite, and readmitted him into the same degree of familiarity with
which he had been honoured before his departure.

The joy of Teresa was so excessive at his arrival, that she could scarce
suppress her raptures, so as to conceal them from the notice of the
family; and our hero, upon this occasion, performed the part of an
exquisite actor, in dissembling those transports which his bosom never
knew.  So well had this pupil retained the lessons of her instructor,
that, in the midst of those fraudulent appropriations, which she still
continued to make, she had found means to support her interest and
character with Mademoiselle, and even to acquire such influence in the
family, that no other servant, male or female, could pretend to live
under the same roof, without paying incessant homage to this artful
waiting-woman, and yielding the most abject submission to her will.

The young gentlemen having tarried at Presburg about six weeks, during
which a small field equipage was prepared for Renaldo, they repaired to
the camp at Heilbron, under the auspices of Count Melvil, in whose
regiment they carried arms as volunteers, with a view to merit promotion
in the service by their own personal behaviour.  Our adventurer would
have willingly dispensed with this occasion of signalising himself, his
talents being much better adapted to another sphere of life;
nevertheless, he affected uncommon alacrity at the prospect of gathering
laurels in the field, and subscribed to his fortune with a good grace;
foreseeing, that even in a campaign, a man of his art and ingenuity might
find means to consult his corporal safety, without any danger to his
reputation.  Accordingly, before he had lived full three weeks in camp,
the damp situation, and sudden change in his way of life, had such a
violent effect upon his constitution, that he was deprived of the use of
all his limbs, and mourned, without ceasing, his hard fate, by which he
found himself precluded from all opportunity of exerting his diligence,
courage, and activity, in the character of a soldier, to which he now
aspired.

Renaldo, who was actually enamoured of a martial life, and missed no
occasion of distinguishing himself, consoled his companion with great
cordiality, encouraged him with the hope of seeing his constitution
familiarised to the inconveniences of a camp, and accommodated him with
everything which he thought would alleviate the pain of his body, as well
as the anxiety of his mind.  The old Count, who sincerely sympathised
with his affliction, would have persuaded him to retire into quarters,
where he could be carefully nursed, and provided with everything
necessary to a person in his condition; but such was his desire of glory,
that he resisted his patron's importunities with great constancy, till at
length, seeing the old gentleman obstinately determined to consult his
health by removing him from the field, he gradually suffered himself to
recover the use of his hands, made shift to sit up in his bed, and amuse
himself with cards or backgammon, and, notwithstanding the feeble
condition of his legs, ventured to ride out on horseback to visit the
lines, though the Count and his son would never yield to his
solicitations so far, as to let him accompany Renaldo in those excursions
and reconnoitring parties, by which a volunteer inures himself to toil
and peril, and acquires that knowledge in the operations of war, which
qualifies him for a command in the service.

Notwithstanding this exemption from all duty, our adventurer managed
matters so as to pass for a youth of infinite mettle, and even rendered
his backwardness and timidity subservient to the support of that
character, by expressing an impatience of lying inactive, and a desire of
signalising his prowess, which even the disabled condition of his body
could scarce restrain.  He must be a man of very weak nerves and
excessive irresolution, who can live in the midst of actual service,
without imbibing some portion of military fortitude: danger becomes
habitual, and loses a great part of its terror; and as fear is often
caught by contagion, so is courage communicated among the individuals of
an army.  The hope of fame, desire of honours and preferment, envy,
emulation, and the dread of disgrace, are motives which co-operate in
suppressing that aversion to death or mutilation, which nature hath
implanted in the human mind; and therefore it is not to be wondered at,
if Fathom, who was naturally chicken-hearted, gained some advantages over
his disposition before the end of the campaign, which happened to be
neither perilous nor severe.

During the winter, while both armies remained in quarters, our adventurer
attended his patron to Presburg, and, before the troops were in motion,
Renaldo obtained a commission, in consequence of which he went into
garrison at Philipsburg, whither he was followed by our hero, while the
old Count's duty called him to the field in a different place.  Ferdinand
for some time had no reason to be dissatisfied with this disposition, by
which he was at once delivered from the fatigues of a campaign, and the
inspection of a severe censor, in the person of Count Melvil; and his
satisfaction was still increased by an accidental meeting with the
Tyrolese who had been his confederate at Vienna, and now chanced to serve
in garrison on the same footing with himself.  These two knights-errant
renewed their former correspondence, and, as all soldiers are addicted to
gaming, levied contributions upon all those officers who had money to
lose, and temerity to play.

However, they had not long pursued this branch of traffic, when their
success was interrupted by a very serious occurrence, that for the
present entirely detached the gentlemen in the garrison from such
amusements.  The French troops invested Fort Kehl, situated on the Rhine,
opposite to Strasburg; and the Imperialists, dreading that the next storm
would fall upon Philipsburg, employed themselves with great diligence to
put that important fortress in a proper posture of defence.  If the
suspension of play was displeasing to our hero, the expectation of being
besieged was by no means more agreeable.  He knew the excellence of the
French engineers, the power of their artillery, and the perseverance of
their general.  He felt, by anticipation, the toils of hard duty upon the
works, the horrors of night-alarms, cannonading, bombardment, sallies,
and mines blown up; and deliberated with himself whether or not he should
privately withdraw, and take refuge among the besiegers; but, when he
reflected that such a step, besides the infamy that must attend it, would
be like that of running upon Scylla, seeking to avoid Charybdis, as he
would be exposed to more danger and inconvenience in the trenches than he
could possibly undergo in the town, and after all run the risk of being
taken and treated as a deserter; upon these considerations he resolved to
submit himself to his destiny, and endeavoured to mitigate the rigour of
his fate by those arts he had formerly practised with success.  He
accordingly found means to enjoy a very bad state of health during the
whole siege, which lasted about six weeks after the trenches were opened;
and then the garrison marched out by capitulation, with all the honours
of war.




CHAPTER NINETEEN

HE PUTS HIMSELF UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF HIS ASSOCIATE, AND STUMBLES UPON
THE FRENCH CAMP, WHERE HE FINISHES HIS MILITARY CAREER.


Nothing else of moment was transacted during that campaign; and in the
winter our adventurer, with the young Count, and his friend the Tyrolese,
were disposed in quarters of cantonment, where Ferdinand made himself
amends for the chagrin he had undergone, by the exercise of those talents
in which he excelled.  Not that he was satisfied with the sphere of life
in which he acted; though he knew himself consummate in the art of play,
he was not at all ambitious of a gamester's name; nor did he find himself
disposed to hazard those discoveries and explanations to which heroes of
that class are sometimes necessarily exposed.  His aim was to dwell among
the tents of civil life, undisturbed by quarrels and the din of war, and
render mankind subservient to his interest, not by stratagems which
irritate, but by that suppleness of insinuation, which could not fail to
soothe the temper of those on whom he meant to prey.

He saw that all his expectations of Count Melvil's future favour were
connected with his choice of a military life; and that his promotion in
the service would, in a great measure, depend upon his personal behaviour
in such emergencies as he did not at all wish to encounter.  On the other
hand, he confided so much in his own dexterity and address, that he never
doubted of being able to rear a splendid fortune for himself, provided he
could once obtain a fixed and firm foundation.  He had in fancy often
enjoyed a prospect of England, not only as his native country, to which,
like a true citizen, he longed to be united; but also as the land of
promise, flowing with milk and honey, and abounding with subjects on
which he knew his talents would be properly exercised.

These reflections never occurred, without leaving a strong impression
upon the mind of our adventurer, which influenced his deliberations in
such a manner, as at length amounted to a perfect resolution of
withdrawing himself privately from a service that teemed with
disagreeable events, and of transporting himself into the country of his
ancestors, which he considered as the Canaan of all able adventurers.
But, previous to his appearance on that stage, he was desirous of
visiting the metropolis of France, in which he hoped to improve himself
in the knowledge of men and things, and acquire such intelligence as
would qualify him to act a more important part upon the British scene.
After having for some time indulged these prospects in secret, he
determined to accommodate himself with the company and experience of the
Tyrolese, whom, under the specious title of an associate, he knew he
could convert into a very serviceable tool, in forwarding the execution
of his own projects.

Accordingly, the inclination of this confederate was sounded by distant
hints, and being found apt, our hero made him privy to his design of
decamping without beat of drum; though, at the same time, he begged his
advice touching the method of their departure, that he might retire with
as much delicacy as the nature of such a step would permit.  Divers
consultations were held upon this subject, before they adhered to the
resolution of making their escape from the army, after it should have
taken the field in the spring; because, in that case, they would have
frequent opportunities of going abroad on foraging parties, and, during
one of these excursions, might retire in such a manner as to persuade
their companions that they had fallen into the enemy's hands.

Agreeable to this determination, the camp was no sooner formed in Alsace
than our associates began to make preparations for their march, and had
already taken all the previous measures for their departure, when an
accident happened, which our hero did not fail to convert to his own
advantage.  This was no other than the desertion of Renaldo's valet, who,
in consequence of a gentle chastisement, which he had richly merited,
thought proper to disappear, after having plundered his master's
portmanteau, which he had forced open for the purpose.  Ferdinand, who
was the first person that discovered the theft, immediately comprehended
the whole adventure, and, taking it for granted that the delinquent would
never return, resolved to finish what the fugitive had imperfectly
performed.

Being favoured with the unreserved confidence of the young Count, he
instantly had recourse to his bureau, the locks of which he found means
to burst open, and, examining a private drawer, contrived with great art
to conceal Renaldo's jewels and cash, made himself master of the contents
without hesitation; then cutting open his cloak-bag, and strewing the
tent with his linen and clothes, began to raise his voice, and produce
such a clamour as alarmed the whole neighbourhood, and brought a great
many officers into the tent.

He on this, as on all other occasions, performed his cue to a miracle,
expressing confusion and concern so naturally in his gestures and
exclamation, that no man could possibly suspect his sincerity; nay, to
such a degree of finesse did his cunning amount, that when his friend and
patron entered, in consequence of an intimation he soon received of his
loss, our adventurer exhibited undoubted signs of distraction and
delirium, and, springing upon Renaldo with all the frantic fury of a
bedlamite, "Villain," cried he, "restore the effects you have stole from
your master, or you shall be immediately committed to the care of the
prevot."  However mortified M. de Melvil might be at his own misfortune,
the condition of his friend seemed to touch him more nearly; he
undervalued his own loss as a trifle that could be easily repaired; said
everything which he thought would tend to soothe and compose the
agitation of Ferdinand; and finally prevailed upon him to retire to rest.
The calamity was wholly attributed to the deserter; and Renaldo, far from
suspecting the true author, took occasion, from his behaviour on this
emergency, to admire him as a mirror of integrity and attachment; in such
an exquisite manner did he plan all his designs, that almost every
instance of his fraud furnished matter of triumph to his reputation.

Having thus profitably exercised his genius, this subtle politician
thought it high time to relinquish his military expectations, and
securing all his valuable acquisitions about his own person, rode out
with his understrapper, in the midst of fifty dragoons, who went in quest
of forage.  While the troopers were employed in making up their trusses,
the two adventurers advanced towards the skirt of a wood, on pretence of
reconnoitring, and the Tyrolese, who undertook to be our hero's guide,
directing him to a path which leads towards Strasburg, they suddenly
vanished from the eyes of their companions, who in a few minutes hearing
the report of several pistols, which the confederates purposely fired,
conjectured that they had fallen in with a party of French, by whom they
were made prisoners of war.

The Tyrolese had overrated his own knowledge when he took upon himself
the charge of conducting our hero; for upon their arrival at a certain
place, where two roads crossed each other, he chanced to follow that
which not only frustrated their intention, but even led them directly to
the French camp; so that, in the twilight, they fell in upon one of the
outguards before they were aware of their mistake.

Whatever confusion and perplexity they might undergo, when they heard
themselves questioned by the sentinel on the advanced post, certain it
is, they betrayed no symptoms of fear or disorder; but while Ferdinand
endeavoured to recollect himself, his fellow-traveller, with the
appearance of admirable intrepidity and presence of mind, told the
soldier that he and his companion were two gentlemen of family, who had
quitted the Austrian army, on account of having sustained some ill-usage,
which they had no opportunity of resenting in any other way, and that
they were come to offer their services to the French general, to whose
quarters they desired to be immediately conveyed.

The sentinel, to whom such an instance of desertion was neither rare, nor
indeed uncommon, directed them without scruple to the next post, where
they found a serjeant's party, from which, at their request, they were
transmitted to the officer of the grand guard, and by him next morning
introduced to Count Coigny, who very politely received them as volunteers
in the army of France.  Though this translation was not at all to our
hero's liking, he was forced to acquiesce in his fate, glad to find
himself, on these terms, in possession of his effects, of which he would
otherwise have been infallibly rifled.

This campaign, however, was the most disagreeable period of his whole
life; because the manner in which he had entered into the service
subjected him to the particular observation and notice of the French
officers; so that he was obliged to be very alert in his duty, and summon
all his fortitude to maintain the character he had assumed.  What
rendered his situation still more unpalatable, was the activity of both
armies in the course of this season, during which, over and above sundry
fatiguing marches and countermarches, he was personally engaged in the
affair of Halleh, which was very obstinate; where, being in the skirts of
the detachment, he was actually wounded in the face by the sword of an
hussar; but this was, luckily for him, the last time he found himself
under the necessity of exerting his military prowess, for a cessation of
arms was proclaimed before he was cured of his wound, and peace concluded
about the end of the campaign.

During his sojourn in the French camp, he assumed the character of a man
of family, who being disgusted at some supercilious treatment he had met
with in the German service, and at the same time ambitious of carrying
arms under the banners of France, took the opportunity of retreating by
stealth from his friends, accompanied only by one with whom he could
intrust his intention.  In this capacity he had managed his matters to
such advantage, that many French officers of rank were very well disposed
to contribute their interest in his behalf, had his inclination verged
towards promotion in the army; but he thought proper to conceal his real
design, under the specious pretext of longing to see the metropolis of
France, that centre of pleasure and politeness, in which he proposed to
spend some time for the improvement of his address and understanding.
These were motives too laudable to be opposed by his new patrons, some of
whom furnished him with letters of recommendation to certain noblemen of
the first rank at the court of Versailles, for which place he and his
companion set out from the banks of the Rhine, very well satisfied with
the honourable dismission they had obtained from a life of inconvenience,
danger, and alarm.




CHAPTER TWENTY

HE PREPARES A STRATAGEM BUT FINDS HIMSELF COUNTERMINED--PROCEEDS ON HIS
JOURNEY, AND IS OVERTAKEN BY A TERRIBLE TEMPEST.


In the course of this journey, Ferdinand, who was never deficient in his
political capacity, held a secret conclave with his own thoughts, not
only touching the plan of his own future conduct, but also concerning his
associate, of whose fidelity and adherence he began to entertain such
doubts as discouraged him from the prosecution of that design in which
the Tyrolese had been at first included; for he had lately observed him
practise the arts of his occupation among the French officers, with such
rapacity and want of caution, as indicated a dangerous temerity of
temper, as well as a furious rage of acquiring, which might be some time
or other satiated upon his own friends.  In other words, our adventurer
was afraid that his accomplice would profit by his knowledge of the road
and countries through which they travelled, and, after having made free
with his most valuable effects, in consequence of the familiarity
subsisting between them, leave him some morning without the ceremony of a
formal adieu.

Aroused by this suspicion, he resolved to anticipate the supposed
intention of the Tyrolese, by taking his own departure in the same abrupt
manner; and this scheme he actually put in execution, upon their arrival
in Bar-le-duc, where it was agreed they should spend a day to repose and
refresh themselves from the fatigue of hard riding.  Ferdinand,
therefore, taking the advantage of his companion's absence--for the
Tyrolese had walked abroad to view the town--found means to hire a
peasant, who undertook to conduct him through a by-road as far as
Chalons, and with his guide he accordingly set out on horseback, after
having discharged the bill, left a blank paper sealed up in form of a
letter, directed to his friend, and secured behind his own saddle a pair
of leathern bags, in which his jewels and cash were usually contained.
So eager was our hero to leave the Tyrolese at a considerable distance
behind, that he rode all night at a round pace without halting, and next
morning found himself at a village distant thirteen good leagues from any
part of the route which he and his companion had at first resolved to
pursue.

Here, thinking himself safely delivered from the cause of all his
apprehension, he determined to lie incognito for a few days, so as that
he might run no risk of an accidental meeting upon the road with the
person whose company he had forsaken; and accordingly took possession of
an apartment, in which he went to rest, desiring his guide to wake him
when dinner should be ready.  Having enjoyed a very comfortable
refreshment of sleep, with his bags under his pillow, he was summoned,
according to his direction, and ate a very hearty meal, with great
tranquillity and internal satisfaction.  In the afternoon he amused
himself with happy presages and ideal prospects of his future fortune,
and, in the midst of these imaginary banquets, was seized with an
inclination of realising his bliss, and regaling his eyesight with the
fruits of that success which had hitherto attended his endeavours.  Thus
inflamed, he opened the repository, and, O reader! what were his
reflections, when, in lieu of Mademoiselle Melvil's ear-rings and
necklace, the German's golden chain, divers jewels of considerable value,
the spoils of sundry dupes, and about two hundred ducats in ready money,
he found neither more nor less than a parcel of rusty nails, disposed in
such a manner as to resemble in weight and bulk the moveables he had
lost.

It is not to be supposed our adventurer made this discovery without
emotion.  If the eternal salvation of mankind could have been purchased
for the tenth part of his treasure, he would have left the whole species
in a state of reprobation, rather than redeem them at that price, unless
he had seen in the bargain some evident advantage to his own concerns.
One may, therefore, easily conceive with what milkiness of resignation he
bore the loss of the whole, and saw himself reduced from such affluence
to the necessity of depending upon about twenty ducats, and some loose
silver, which he carried in his pocket, for his expense upon the road.
However bitter this pill might be in swallowing, he so far mastered his
mortification, as to digest it with a good grace.  His own penetration at
once pointed out the canal through which this misfortune had flowed upon
him; he forthwith placed the calamity to the account of the Tyrolese, and
never doubting that he had retired with the booty across the Rhine, into
some place to which he knew Fathom would not follow his footsteps, he
formed the melancholy resolution of pursuing with all despatch his
journey to Paris, that he might, with all convenient expedition,
indemnify himself for the discomfiture he had sustained.

With regard to his confederate, his conjecture was perfectly right; that
adventurer, though infinitely inferior to our hero in point of genius and
invention, had manifestly the advantage of him in the articles of age and
experience; he was no stranger to Fathom's qualifications, the happy
exertion of which he had often seen.  He knew him to be an economist of
the most frugal order, consequently concluded his finances were worthy of
examination; and, upon the true principles of a sharper, eased him of the
encumbrance, taking it for granted, that, in so doing, he only precluded
Ferdinand from the power of acting the same tragedy upon him, should ever
opportunity concur with his inclination.  He had therefore concerted his
measures with the dexterity of an experienced conveyancer, and, snatching
the occasion, while our hero, travel-tainted, lay sunk in the arms of
profound repose, he ripped up the seams of the leather depository,
withdrew the contents, introduced the parcel of nails, which he had made
up for the purpose, and then repaired the breach with great deliberation.

Had Fathom's good genius prompted him to examine his effects next
morning, the Tyrolese, in all probability, would have maintained his
acquisition by force of arms; for his personal courage was rather more
determined than that of our adventurer, and he was conscious of his own
ascendency in this particular; but his good fortune prevented such
explanation.  Immediately after dinner, he availed himself of his
knowledge, and, betaking himself to a remote part of the town, set out in
a post-chaise for Luneville, while our hero was meditating his own
escape.

Fathom's conception was sufficient to comprehend the whole of this
adventure, as soon as his chagrin would give his sagacity fair play; nor
would he allow his resolution to sink under the trial; on the contrary,
he departed from the village that same afternoon, under the auspices of
his conductor, and found himself benighted in the midst of a forest, far
from the habitations of men.  The darkness of the night, the silence and
solitude of the place, the indistinct images of the trees that appeared
on every side, "stretching their extravagant arms athwart the gloom,"
conspired, with the dejection of spirits occasioned by his loss, to
disturb his fancy, and raise strange phantoms in his imagination.
Although he was not naturally superstitious, his mind began to be invaded
with an awful horror, that gradually prevailed over all the consolations
of reason and philosophy; nor was his heart free from the terrors of
assassination.  In order to dissipate these disagreeable reveries, he had
recourse to the conversation of his guide, by whom he was entertained
with the history of divers travellers who had been robbed and murdered by
ruffians, whose retreat was in the recesses of that very wood.

In the midst of this communication, which did not at all tend to the
elevation of our hero's spirits, the conductor made an excuse for
dropping behind, while our traveller jogged on in expectation of being
joined again by him in a few minutes.  He was, however, disappointed in
that hope; the sound of the other horse's feet by degrees grew more and
more faint, and at last altogether died away.  Alarmed at this
circumstance, Fathom halted in the middle of the road, and listened with
the most fearful attention; but his sense of hearing was saluted with
nought but the dismal sighings of the trees, that seemed to foretell an
approaching storm.  Accordingly, the heavens contracted a more dreary
aspect, the lightning began to gleam, and the thunder to roll, and the
tempest, raising its voice to a tremendous roar, descended in a torrent
of rain.

In this emergency, the fortitude of our hero was almost quite overcome.
So many concurring circumstances of danger and distress might have
appalled the most undaunted breast; what impression then must they have
made upon the mind of Ferdinand, who was by no means a man to set fear at
defiance!  Indeed, he had well-nigh lost the use of his reflection, and
was actually invaded to the skin, before he could recollect himself so
far as to quit the road, and seek for shelter among the thickets that
surrounded him.  Having rode some furlongs into the forest, he took his
station under a tuft of tall trees, that screened him from the storm, and
in that situation called a council within himself, to deliberate upon his
next excursion.  He persuaded himself that his guide had deserted him for
the present, in order to give intelligence of a traveller to some gang of
robbers with whom he was connected; and that he must of necessity fall a
prey to those banditti, unless he should have the good fortune to elude
their search, and disentangle himself from the mazes of the wood.

Harrowed with these apprehensions, he resolved to commit himself to the
mercy of the hurricane, as of two evils the least, and penetrate
straightforwards through some devious opening, until he should be
delivered from the forest. For this purpose he turned his horse's head in
a line quite contrary to the direction of the high road which he had
left, on the supposition that the robbers would pursue that track in
quest of him, and that they would never dream of his deserting the
highway, to traverse an unknown forest, amidst the darkness of such a
boisterous night.  After he had continued in this progress through a
succession of groves, and bogs, and thorns, and brakes, by which not only
his clothes, but also his skin suffered in a grievous manner, while every
nerve quivered with eagerness and dismay, he at length reached an open
plain, and pursuing his course, in full hope of arriving at some village,
where his life would be safe, he descried a rush-light at a distance,
which he looked upon as the star of his good fortune, and riding towards
it at full speed, arrived at the door of a lone cottage, into which he
was admitted by an old woman, who, understanding he was a bewildered
traveller, received him with great hospitality.

When he learned from his hostess, that there was not another house within
three leagues; that she could accommodate him with a tolerable bed, and
his horse with lodging and oats, he thanked Heaven for his good fortune,
in stumbling upon this homely habitation, and determined to pass the
night under the protection of the old cottager, who gave him to
understand, that her husband, who was a <DW19>-maker, had gone to the next
town to dispose of his merchandise; and that, in all probability, he
would not return till next morning, on account of the tempestuous night.
Ferdinand sounded the beldame with a thousand artful interrogations, and
she answered with such appearance of truth and simplicity, that he
concluded his person was quite secure; and, after having been regaled
with a dish of eggs and bacon, desired she would conduct him into the
chamber where she proposed he should take his repose.  He was accordingly
ushered up by a sort of ladder into an apartment furnished with a
standing-bed, and almost half filled with trusses of straw.  He seemed
extremely well pleased with his lodging, which in reality exceeded his
expectation; and his kind landlady, cautioning him against letting the
candle approach the combustibles, took her leave, and locked the door on
the outside.




CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

HE FALLS UPON SCYLLA, SEEKING TO AVOID CHARYBDIS.


Fathom, whose own principles taught him to be suspicious, and ever upon
his guard against the treachery of his fellow-creatures, could have
dispensed with this instance of her care, in confining her guest to her
chamber, and began to be seized with strange fancies, when he observed
that there was no bolt on the inside of the door, by which he might
secure himself from intrusion.  In consequence of these suggestions, he
proposed to take an accurate survey of every object in the apartment,
and, in the course of his inquiry, had the mortification to find the dead
body of a man, still warm, who had been lately stabbed, and concealed
beneath several bundles of straw.

Such a discovery could not fail to fill the breast of our hero with
unspeakable horror; for he concluded that he himself would undergo the
same fate before morning, without the interposition of a miracle in his
favour.  In the first transports of his dread, he ran to the window, with
a view to escape by that outlet, and found his flight effectually
obstructed by divers strong bars of iron.  Then his heart began to
palpitate, his hair to bristle up, and his knees to totter; his thoughts
teemed with presages of death and destruction; his conscience rose up in
judgment against him, and he underwent a severe paroxysm of dismay and
distraction.  His spirits were agitated into a state of fermentation that
produced a species of resolution akin to that which is inspired by brandy
or other strong liquors, and, by an impulse that seemed supernatural, he
was immediately hurried into measures for his own preservation.

What upon a less interesting occasion his imagination durst not propose,
he now executed without scruple or remorse.  He undressed the corpse that
lay bleeding among the straw, and, conveying it to the bed in his arms,
deposited it in the attitude of a person who sleeps at his ease; then he
extinguished the light, took possession of the place from whence the body
had been removed, and, holding a pistol ready cocked in each hand, waited
for the sequel with that determined purpose which is often the immediate
production of despair.  About midnight he heard the sound of feet
ascending the ladder; the door was softly opened; he saw the shadow of
two men stalking towards the bed, a dark lanthorn being unshrouded,
directed their aim to the supposed sleeper, and he that held it thrust a
poniard to his heart; the force of the blow made a compression on the
chest, and a sort of groan issued from the windpipe of the defunct; the
stroke was repeated, without producing a repetition of the note, so that
the assassins concluded the work was effectually done, and retired for
the present with a design to return and rifle the deceased at their
leisure.

Never had our hero spent a moment in such agony as he felt during this
operation; the whole surface of his body was covered with a cold sweat,
and his nerves were relaxed with an universal palsy.  In short, he
remained in a trance that, in all probability, contributed to his safety;
for, had he retained the use of his senses, he might have been discovered
by the transports of his fear.  The first use he made of his retrieved
recollection, was to perceive that the assassins had left the door open
in their retreat; and he would have instantly availed himself of this
their neglect, by sallying out upon them, at the hazard of his life, had
he not been restrained by a conversation he overheard in the room below,
importing, that the ruffians were going to set out upon another
expedition, in hopes of finding more prey.  They accordingly departed,
after having laid strong injunctions upon the old woman to keep the door
fast locked during their absence; and Ferdinand took his resolution
without farther delay.  So soon as, by his conjecture, the robbers were
at a sufficient distance from the house, he rose from his lurking-place,
moved softly towards the bed, and, rummaging the pockets of the deceased,
found a purse well stored with ducats, of which, together with a silver
watch and a diamond ring, he immediately possessed himself without
scruple; then, descending with great care and circumspection into the
lower apartment, stood before the old beldame, before she had the least
intimation of his approach.

Accustomed as she was to the trade of blood, the hoary hag did not behold
this apparition without giving signs of infinite terror and astonishment,
believing it was no other than the spirit of her second guest, who had
been murdered; she fell upon her knees and began to recommend herself to
the protection of the saints, crossing herself with as much devotion as
if she had been entitled to the particular care and attention of Heaven.
Nor did her anxiety abate, when she was undeceived in this her
supposition, and understood it was no phantom, but the real substance of
the stranger, who, without staying to upbraid her with the enormity of
her crimes, commanded her, on pain of immediate death, to produce his
horse, to which being conducted, he set her upon the saddle without
delay, and, mounting behind, invested her with the management of the
reins, swearing, in a most peremptory tone, that the only chance she had
for her life, was in directing him safely to the next town; and that, so
soon as she should give him the least cause to doubt her fidelity in the
performance of that task, he would on the instant act the part of her
executioner.

This declaration had its effect upon the withered Hecate, who, with many
supplications for mercy and forgiveness, promised to guide him in safety
to a certain village at the distance of two leagues, where he might lodge
in security, and be provided with a fresh horse, or other convenience,
for pursuing his intended route.  On these conditions he told her she
might deserve his clemency; and they accordingly took their departure
together, she being placed astride upon the saddle, holding the bridle in
one hand and a switch in the other; and our adventurer sitting on the
crupper, superintending her conduct, and keeping the muzzle of a pistol
close at her ear.  In this equipage they travelled across part of the
same wood in which his guide had forsaken him; and it is not to be
supposed that he passed his time in the most agreeable reverie, while he
found himself involved in the labyrinth of those shades, which he
considered as the haunts of robbery and assassination.

Common fear was a comfortable sensation to what he felt in this
excursion.  The first steps he had taken for his preservation were the
effects of mere instinct, while his faculties were extinguished or
suppressed by despair; but now, as his reflection began to recur, he was
haunted by the most intolerable apprehensions.  Every whisper of the wind
through the thickets was swelled into the hoarse menaces of murder, the
shaking of the boughs was construed into the brandishing of poniards, and
every shadow of a tree became the apparition of a ruffian eager for
blood.  In short, at each of these occurrences he felt what was
infinitely more tormenting than the stab of a real dagger; and at every
fresh fillip of his fear, he acted as a remembrancer to his conductress,
in a new volley of imprecations, importing, that her life was absolutely
connected with his opinion of his own safety.

Human nature could not longer subsist under such complicated terror.  At
last he found himself clear of the forest, and was blessed with the
distant view of an inhabited place.  He then began to exercise his
thoughts upon a new subject.  He debated with himself, whether he should
make a parade of his intrepidity and public spirit, by disclosing his
achievement, and surrendering his guide to the penalty of the law; or
leave the old hag and her accomplices to the remorse of their own
consciences, and proceed quietly on his journey to Paris in undisturbed
possession of the prize he had already obtained.  This last step he
determined to take, upon recollecting, that, in the course of his
information, the story of the murdered stranger would infallibly attract
the attention of justice, and, in that case, the effects he had borrowed
from the defunct must be refunded for the benefit of those who had a
right to the succession.  This was an argument which our adventurer could
not resist; he foresaw that he should be stripped of his acquisition,
which he looked upon as the fair fruits of his valour and sagacity; and,
moreover, be detained as an evidence against the robbers, to the manifest
detriment of his affairs.  Perhaps too he had motives of conscience, that
dissuaded him from bearing witness against a set of people whose
principles did not much differ from his own.

Influenced by such considerations, he yielded to the first importunity of
the beldame, whom he dismissed at a very small distance from the village,
after he had earnestly exhorted her to quit such an atrocious course of
life, and atone for her past crimes, by sacrificing her associates to the
demands of justice.  She did not fail to vow a perfect reformation, and
to prostrate herself before him for the favour she had found; then she
betook herself to her habitation, with full purpose of advising her
fellow-murderers to repair with all despatch to the village, and impeach
our hero, who, wisely distrusting her professions, stayed no longer in
the place than to hire a guide for the next stage, which brought him to
the city of Chalons-sur-Marne.




CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

HE ARRIVES AT PARIS, AND IS PLEASED WITH HIS RECEPTION.

He was not so smitten with the delightful situation of this ancient town,
but that he abandoned it as soon as he could procure a post-chaise, in
which he arrived at Paris, without having been exposed to any other
troublesome adventure upon the road.  He took lodgings at a certain hotel
in the Fauxbourg de St. Germain, which is the general rendezvous of all
the strangers that resort to this capital; and now sincerely
congratulated himself upon his happy escape from his Hungarian
connexions, and from the snares of the banditti, as well as upon the
spoils of the dead body, and his arrival at Paris, from whence there was
such a short conveyance to England, whither he was attracted, by far
other motives than that of filial veneration for his native soil.

He suppressed all his letters of recommendation, which he justly
concluded would subject him to a tedious course of attendance upon the
great, and lay him under the necessity of soliciting preferment in the
army, than which nothing was farther from his inclination; and resolved
to make his appearance in the character of a private gentleman, which
would supply him with opportunities of examining the different scenes of
life in such a gay metropolis, so as that he should be able to choose
that sphere in which he could move the most effectually to his own
advantage.  He accordingly hired an occasional domestic, and under the
denomination of Count Fathom, which he had retained since his elopement
from Renaldo, repaired to dinner at an ordinary, to which he was directed
as a reputable place, frequented by fashionable strangers of all nations.

He found this piece of information perfectly just; for he no sooner
entered the apartment, than his ears were saluted with a strange
confusion of sounds, among which he at once distinguished the High and
Low Dutch, barbarous French, Italian, and English languages.  He was
rejoiced at this occasion of displaying his own qualifications, took his
place at one of the three long tables, betwixt a Westphalian count and a
Bolognian marquis, insinuated himself into the conversation with his
usual address, and in less than half an hour, found means to accost a
native of each different country in his own mother-tongue.

Such extensive knowledge did not pass unobserved.  A French abbe, in a
provincial dialect, complimented him upon his retaining that purity in
pronunciation, which is not to be found in the speech of a Parisian.  The
Bolognian, mistaking him for a Tuscan, "Sir," said he, "I presume you are
from Florence.  I hope the illustrious house of Lorrain leaves you
gentlemen of that famous city no room to regret the loss of your own
princes."  The castle of Versailles becoming the subject of conversation,
Monsieur le Compte appealed to him, as to a native German, whether it was
not inferior in point of magnificence to the chateau of Grubenhagen.  The
Dutch officer, addressing himself to Fathom, drank to the prosperity of
Faderland, and asked if he had not once served in garrison at
Shenkenschans; and an English knight swore, with great assurance, that he
had frequently rambled with him at midnight among the hundreds of Drury.

To each person he replied in a polite, though mysterious manner, which
did not fail to enhance their opinion of his good breeding and
importance; and, long before the dessert appeared, he was by all the
company supposed to be a personage of great consequence, who for some
substantial reasons, found it convenient to keep himself incognito.  This
being the case, it is not to be doubted that particular civilities were
poured upon him from all quarters.  He perceived their sentiments, and
encouraged them, by behaving with that sort of complaisance which seems
to be the result of engaging condescension in a character of superior
dignity and station.  His affability was general but his chief attention
limited to those gentlemen already mentioned, who chanced to sit nearest
him at table; and he no sooner gave them to understand that he was an
utter stranger in Paris, than they unanimously begged to have the honour
of making him acquainted with the different curiosities peculiar to that
metropolis.

He accepted of their hospitality, accompanied them to a coffee-house in
the afternoon, from whence they repaired to the opera, and afterwards
adjourned to a noted hotel, in order to spend the remaining part of the
evening.  It was here that our hero secured himself effectually in the
footing he had gained in their good graces.  He in a moment saw through
all the characters of the party, and adapted himself to the humour of
each individual, without descending from that elevation of behaviour
which he perceived would operate among them in his behalf.  With the
Italian he discoursed on music, in the style of a connoisseur; and indeed
had a better claim to that title than the generality of those upon whom
it is usually conferred; for he understood the art in theory as well as
in practice, and would have made no contemptible figure among the best
performers of the age.

He harangued upon taste and genius to the abbe, who was a wit and critic,
ex officio, or rather ex vestitu for a young pert Frenchman, the very
moment he puts on the petit collet, or little band, looks upon himself as
an inspired son of Apollo; and every one of the fraternity thinks it
incumbent upon him to assert the divinity of his mission.  In a word, the
abbes are a set of people that bear a strong analogy to the templars in
London.  Fools of each fabric, sharpers of all sorts, and dunces of every
degree, profess themselves of both orders.  The templar is, generally
speaking, a prig, so is the abbe: both are distinguished by an air of
petulance and self-conceit, which holds a middle rank betwixt the
insolence of a first-rate buck and the learned pride of a supercilious
pedant.  The abbe is supposed to be a younger brother in quest of
preferment in the church--the Temple is considered as a receptacle or
seminary for younger sons intended for the bar; but a great number of
each profession turn aside into other paths of life, long before they
reach these proposed goals.  An abbe is often metamorphosed into a foot
soldier; a templar sometimes sinks into an attorney's clerk.  The galleys
of France abound with abbes; and many templars may be found in our
American plantations; not to mention those who have made a public exit
nearer home.  Yet I would not have it thought that my description
includes every individual of those societies.  Some of the greatest
scholars, politicians, and wits, that ever Europe produced, have worn the
habit of an abbe; and many of our most noble families in England derive
their honours from those who have studied law in the Temple.  The worthy
sons of every community shall always be sacred from my censure and
ridicule; and, while I laugh at the folly of particular members, I can
still honour and revere the institution.

But let us return from this comparison, which some readers may think
impertinent and unseasonable, and observe, that the Westphalian count,
Dutch officer, and English knight, were not excepted from the particular
regard and attention of our adventurer.  He pledged the German in every
bumper; flattered the Hollander with compliments upon the industry,
wealth, and policy of the Seven United Provinces; but he reserved his
chief battery for his own countryman, on the supposition that he was, in
all respects, the best adapted for the purposes of a needy gamester.
Him, therefore, he cultivated with extraordinary care and singular
observance; for he soon perceived him to be a humourist, and, from that
circumstance, derived an happy presage of his own success.  The baronet's
disposition seemed to be cast in the true English mould.  He was sour,
silent, and contemptuous; his very looks indicated a consciousness of
superior wealth; and he never opened his mouth, except to make some dry,
sarcastic, national reflection.  Nor was his behaviour free from that air
of suspicion which a man puts on when he believes himself in a crowd of
pick-pockets, whom his caution and vigilance set at defiance.  In a word,
though his tongue was silent on the subject, his whole demeanour was
continually saying, "You are all a pack of poor lousy rascals, who have a
design upon my purse.  'Tis true, I could buy your whole generation, but
I won't be bubbled, d'ye see; I am aware of your flattery, and upon my
guard against all your knavish pranks; and I come into your company for
my own amusement only."

Fathom having reconnoitred this peculiarity of temper, instead of
treating him with that assiduous complaisance, which he received from the
other gentlemen of the party, kept aloof from him in the conversation,
with a remarkable shyness of distant civility, and seldom took notice of
what he said, except with a view to contradict him, or retort some of his
satirical observations.  This he conceived to be the best method of
acquiring his good opinion; because the Englishman would naturally
conclude he was a person who could have no sinister views upon his
fortune, else he would have chosen quite a different manner of
deportment.  Accordingly, the knight seemed to bite at the hook.  He
listened to Ferdinand with uncommon regard; he was even heard to commend
his remarks, and at length drank to their better acquaintance.




CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

ACQUITS HIMSELF WITH ADDRESS IN A NOCTURNAL RIOT.



The Italian and the abbe were the first who began to grow whimsical under
the influence of the burgundy; and, in the heat of their elevation,
proposed that the company should amuse themselves during the remaining
part of the night, at the house of an obliging dame, who maintained a
troop of fair nymphs for the accommodation of the other sex.  The
proposal was approved by all, except the Hollander, whose economy the
wine had not as yet invaded; and, while he retreated soberly to his own
lodgings, the rest of the society adjourned in two coaches to the temple
of love, where they were received by the venerable priestess, a personage
turned of seventy, who seemed to exercise the functions of her calling,
in despite of the most cruel ravages of time; for age had bent her into
the form of a Turkish bow.  Her head was agitated by the palsy, like the
leaf of the poplar tree; her hair fell down in scanty parcels, as white
as the driven snow; her face was not simply wrinkled, but ploughed into
innumerable furrows; her jaws could not boast of one remaining tooth; one
eye distilled a large quantity of rheum, by virtue of the fiery edge that
surrounded it; the other was altogether extinguished, and she had lost
her nose in the course of her ministration.  The Delphic sibyl was but a
type of this hoary matron, who, by her figure, might have been mistaken
for the consort of Chaos, or mother of Time.  Yet there was something
meritorious in her appearance, as it denoted her an indefatigable
minister to the pleasure of mankind, and as it formed an agreeable
contrast with the beauty and youth of the fair damsels that wantoned in
her train.  It resembled those discords in music, which, properly
disposed, contribute to the harmony of the whole piece; or those horrible
giants, who, in the world of romance, used to guard the gates of the
castle in which the enchanted damsel was confined.

This Urganda seemed to be aware of her own importance, and perfectly well
acquainted with the human appetite; for she compelled the whole company
to undergo her embrace.  Then a lacquey, in magnificent livery, ushered
them into a superb apartment, where they waited some minutes, without
being favoured with the appearance of the ladies, to the manifest
dissatisfaction of the abbe, who, sending for the gouvernante,
reprimanded her severely for her want of politesse.  The old lady, who
was by no means a pattern of patience and submission, retorted his
reproaches with great emphasis and vivacity.  Her eloquence flowed
altogether in the Covent Garden strain; and I question whether the
celebrated Mother Douglas herself could have made such a figure in an
extemporaneous altercation.

After having bestowed upon the abbe the epithets of saucy insignificant
pimp, she put him in mind of the good offices which he had received at
her hands; how she had supplied him with bed, board, and bedfellow, in
his greatest necessity; sent him abroad with money in his pockets--and,
in a word, cherished him in her bosom, when his own mother had abandoned
him to distress.  She then reviled him for presuming to affront her
before strangers, and gave the company to understand, that the young
ladies would wait upon them as soon as they could be confessed and
receive absolution from a worthy cordelier, who was now employed in
performing that charitable office.  The gentlemen were satisfied with
this remonstrance, which argued the old lady's pious concern for the
souls that were under her care, and our adventurer proposed an
accommodation betwixt her and the abbe, who was prevailed upon to ask her
pardon, and received her blessing upon his knees.

This affair had not been long adjusted, when five damsels were introduced
in a very gay dishabille, and our hero was complimented with the
privilege of choosing his Amanda from the whole bevy.  When he was
provided, the others began to pair themselves, and, unhappily, the German
count chanced to pitch upon the same nymph who had captivated the desires
of the British knight.  A dispute immediately ensued; for the Englishman
made his addresses to the lady, without paying the least regard to the
priority of the other's claim; and she, being pleased with his
attachment, did not scruple to renounce his rival, who swore by the
thunder, lightning, and sacrament, that he would not quit his pretensions
for any prince in Christendom, much less for a little English cavalier,
whom he had already honoured too much in condescending to be his
companion.

The knight, provoked at this stately declaration, which was the immediate
effect of anger and ebriety, eyed his antagonist with a most contemptuous
aspect, and advised him to avoid such comparisons for the future.  "We
all know," said he, "the importance of a German count; I suppose your
revenue amounts to three hundred rix-dollars; and you have a chateau that
looks like the ruins of an English gaol.  I will bind myself to lend you
a thousand pounds upon a mortgage of your estate, (and a bad bargain I am
sure I shall have,) if I do not, in less than two months, find a yeoman
of Kent, who spends more in strong ale than the sum-total of your yearly
income; and, were the truth known, I believe that lace upon your coat is
no better than tinsel, and those fringed ruffles, with fine Holland
sleeves, tacked to a shirt of brown canvas, so that, were you to undress
yourself before the lady, you would only expose your own poverty and
pride."

The count was so much enraged at these sarcastic observations, that his
faculty of speech was overwhelmed by his resentment; though, in order to
acquit himself of the Englishman's imputation, he forthwith pulled off
his clothes with such fury, that his brocade waistcoat was tore from top
to bottom.  The knight, mistaking his meaning, considered this demeanour
as a fair challenge, to try which was the better man in the exercise of
boxing; and, on that supposition, began to strip in his turn, when he was
undeceived by Fathom, who put the right interpretation upon the count's
behaviour, and begged that the affair might be compromised.  By this time
the Westphalian recovered the use of his tongue, and with many threats
and imprecations, desired they would take notice how falsely he had been
aspersed, and do him justice in espousing his claim to the damsel in
question.

Before the company had time or inclination to interest themselves in the
quarrel, his opponent observed that no person who was not a mere German,
would ever dream of forcing the inclinations of a pretty girl, whom the
accidents of fortune had subjected to his power; that such compulsion was
equivalent to the most cruel rape that could be committed; and that the
lady's aversion was not at all surprising; for, to speak his own
sentiments, were he a woman of pleasure, he would as soon grant favours
to a Westphalian hog, as to the person of his antagonist.  The German,
enraged at this comparison, was quite abandoned by his patience and
discretion.  He called the knight an English clown, and, swearing he
was the most untoward beast of a whole nation of mules, snatched up one
of the candlesticks, which he launched at him with such force and
violence, that it sung through the air, and, winging its flight into the
ante-chamber, encountered the skull of his own valet, who with immediate
prostration received the message of his master.

The knight, that he might not be behindhand with the Westphalian in point
of courtesy, returned the compliment with the remaining chandelier, which
also missed its mark, and, smiting a large mirror that was fixed behind
them, emitted such a crash as one might expect to hear if a mine were
sprung beneath a manufacture of glass.  Both lights being thus
extinguished, a furious combat ensued in the dark; the Italian scampered
off with infinite agility, and, as he went downstairs, desired that
nobody would interpose, because it was an affair of honour, which could
not be made up.  The ladies consulted their safety in flight; Count
Fathom slyly retired to one corner of the room; while the abbe, having
upon him the terrors of the commissaire, endeavoured to appease and part
the combatants, and, in the attempt, sustained a random blow upon his
nose, which sent him howling into the other chamber, where, finding his
band besmeared with his own blood, he began to caper about the apartment,
in a transport of rage and vexation.

Meanwhile, the old gentlewoman being alarmed with the noise of the
battle, and apprehensive that it would end in murder, to the danger and
discredit of herself and family, immediately mustered up her myrmidons,
of whom she always retained a formidable band, and, putting herself at
their head, lighted them to the scene of uproar.  Ferdinand, who had
hitherto observed a strict neutrality, no sooner perceived them approach,
than he leaped in between the disputants, that he might be found acting
in the character of a peacemaker; and, indeed, by this time, victory
had declared for the baronet, who had treated his antagonist with a
cross-buttock, which laid him almost breathless on the floor.  The victor
was prevailed upon, by the entreaties of Fathom, to quit the field of
battle, and adjourn into another room, where, in less than half an hour,
he received a billet from the count, defying him to single combat on the
frontiers of Flanders, at an appointed time and place.  The challenge was
immediately accepted by the knight, who, being flushed with conquest,
treated his adversary with great contempt.

But, next day, when the fumes of the burgundy were quite exhaled, and the
adventure recurred to his remembrance and sober reflection, he waited
upon our adventurer at his lodgings, and solicited his advice in such a
manner, as gave him to understand that he looked upon what had happened
as a drunken brawl, which ought to have no serious consequences.  Fathom
foreseeing that the affair might be managed for his own interest,
professed himself of the baronet's opinion; and, without hesitation,
undertook the office of a mediator, assuring his principal, that his
honour should suffer no stain in the course of his negotiation.

Having received the Englishman's acknowledgments for this instance of
friendship, he forthwith set out for the place of the German's
habitation, and understanding he was still asleep, insisted upon his
being immediately waked, and told, that a gentleman from the chevalier
desired to see him, upon business of importance which could not be
delayed.  Accordingly, his valet-de-chambre, pressed by Fathom's
importunities and remonstrances, ventured to go in and shake the count by
the shoulder; when this furious Teutonian, still agitated by the fever of
the preceding night, leaped out of bed in a frenzy, and seizing his sword
that lay upon a table, would have severely punished the presumption of
his servant, had not he been restrained by the entrance of Ferdinand,
who, with a peremptory countenance, gave him to understand that the valet
had acted at his immediate instigation; and that he was come, as the
Englishman's friend, to concert with him proper measures for keeping the
appointment they had made at their last meeting.

This message effectually calmed the German, who was not a little
mortified to find himself so disagreeably disturbed.  He could not help
cursing the impatience of his antagonist, and even hinting that he would
have acted more like a gentleman and good Christian, in expressing a
desire of seeing the affair accommodated, as he knew himself to be the
aggressor, consequently the first offender against the laws of politeness
and good-fellowship.  Fathom, finding him in a fit temper of mind, took
the opportunity of assenting to the reasonableness of his observation.
He ventured to condemn the impetuosity of the baronet, who, he perceived,
was extremely nice and scrupulous in the punctilios of honour; and said
it was a pity that two gentlemen should forfeit each other's friendship,
much less expose their lives, for such a frivolous cause.  "My dear
count," cried the Westphalian, "I am charmed to find your sentiments so
conformable to my own.  In an honourable cause, I despise all danger; my
courage, thank Heaven! has been manifested in many public engagements as
well as in private rencounters; but, to break with my friend, whose
eminent virtues I admire, and even to seek his life, on such a scandalous
occasion, for a little insignificant w---e, who, I suppose, took the
advantage of our intoxication, to foment the quarrel: by Heaven! my
conscience cannot digest it."

Having expressed himself to this purpose, he waited impatiently for the
reply of Ferdinand, who, after a pause of deliberation, offered his
services in the way of mediation; though, he observed, it was a matter of
great delicacy, and the event altogether uncertain.  "Nevertheless,"
added our adventurer, "I will strive to appease the knight, who, I hope,
will be induced by my remonstrances to forget the unlucky accident, which
hath so disagreeably interrupted your mutual friendship."  The German
thanked him for this proof of his regard, which yielded him more
satisfaction on account of the chevalier than of himself.  "For, by the
tombs of my fathers," cried he, "I have so little concern for my personal
safety, that, if my honour were interested, I durst oppose myself singly
to the whole ban of the empire; and I am now ready, if the chevalier
requires it, to give him the rendezvous in the forest of Senlis, either
on horseback or on foot, where this contest may be terminated with the
life of one or both of us."

Count Fathom, with a view to chastise the Westphalian for this
rhodomontade, told him, with a mortifying air of indifference, that if
they were both bent upon taking the field, he would save himself the
trouble of interposing farther in the affair; and desired to know the
hour at which it would suit him to take the air with the baronet.  The
other, not a little embarrassed by this question, said, with a faltering
tongue, he should be proud to obey the chevalier's orders; but, at the
same time, owned he should be much better pleased if our hero would
execute the pacific proposal he had made.  Fathom accordingly promised to
exert himself for that purpose, and returned to the knight, with whom he
assumed the merit of having tranquillised the rage of an incensed
barbarian, who was now disposed to a reconciliation upon equal terms.
The baronet overwhelmed him with caresses and compliments upon his
friendship and address; the parties met that same forenoon, as if by
accident, in Fathom's apartment, where they embraced each other
cordially, exchanged apologies, and renewed their former correspondence.

Our adventurer thought he had good reason to congratulate himself upon
the part he had acted in this pacification.  He was treated by both with
signal marks of particular affection and esteem.  The count pressed him
to accept, as a token of his attachment, a sword of very curious
workmanship, which he had received in a present from a certain prince of
the empire.  The knight forced upon his finger a very splendid diamond
ring, as a testimony of his gratitude and esteem.  But there was still
another person to be appeased, before the peace of the whole company
could be established.  This was no other than the abbe, from whom each of
the reconciled friends received at dinner a billet couched in these
words:--

"I have the honour to lament the infinite chagrin and mortification that
compels me to address myself in this manner to a person of your rank and
eminence, whom I should do myself the pleasure of waiting upon in person,
were I not prevented by the misfortune of my nose, which was last night
most cruelly disarranged, by a violent contusion I had the honour to
receive, in attempting to compose that unhappy fracas, at the house of
Madame la Maquerelle; and what puts the finishing stroke to my mishap, is
my being rendered incapable of keeping three or four assignations with
ladies of fashion, by whom I have the honour to be particularly esteemed.
The disfiguration of my nose, the pain I have undergone, with the
discomposure of brain which it produced, I could bear as a philosopher;
but the disappointment of the ladies, my glory will not permit me to
overlook.  And as you know the injury was sustained in your service, I
have the pleasure to hope you will not refuse to grant such reparation as
will be acceptable to a gentleman, who has the honour to be with
inviolable attachment,--
     Sir, your most devoted slave,
          PEPIN CLOTHAIRE CHARLE HENRI LOOUIS BARNABE DE FUMIER."

This epistle was so equivocal, that the persons to whom it was addressed
did not know whether or not they ought to interpret the contents into a
challenge; when our hero observed, that the ambiguity of his expressions
plainly proved there was a door left open for accommodation; and proposed
that they should forthwith visit the writer at his own apartment.  They
accordingly followed his advice, and found the abbe in his morning gown
and slippers, with three huge nightcaps on his head, and a crape hat-band
tied over the middle of his face, by way of bandage to his nose.  He
received his visitors with the most ridiculous solemnity, being still a
stranger to the purport of their errand; but soon as the Westphalian
declared they were come in consequence of his billet, in order to ask
pardon for the undesigned offence they had given, his features retrieved
their natural vivacity, and he professed himself perfectly satisfied with
their polite acknowledgment.  Then they condoled him upon the evil plight
of his nose, and seeing some marks upon his shirt, asked with seeming
concern, if he had lost any blood in the fray?  To this interrogation he
replied, that he had still a sufficient quantity left for the occasions
of his friends; and that he should deem it his greatest glory to expend
the last drop of it in their service.

Matters being thus amicably adjusted, they prevailed upon him to unease
his nose, which retained no signs of the outrage he had suffered; and the
amusements of the day were concerted.  It was in consequence of this
plan, that, after the comedy, they were entertained at the count's
lodgings, where quadrille was proposed by the abbe, as the most innocent
pastime, and the proposal was immediately embraced by all present, and by
none with more alacrity than by our adventurer, who, without putting
forth a moiety of his skill, went home with twenty louis clear gain.
Though, far from believing himself greatly superior to the rest of the
party, in the artifices of play, he justly suspected that they had
concealed their skill, with a view of stripping him on some other
occasion; for he could not suppose that persons of their figure and
character should be, in reality, such novices as they affected to appear.




CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

HE OVERLOOKS THE ADVANCES OF HIS FRIENDS, AND SMARTS SEVERELY FOR HIS
NEGLECT.


Steeled with this cautious maxim, he guarded himself from their united
endeavours, in sundry subsequent attacks, by which his first conjecture
was confirmed, and still came off conqueror, by virtue of his
unparalleled finesse and discretion; till at length they seemed to
despair of making him their prey, and the count began to drop some hints,
importing a desire of seeing him more closely united to the views and
interest of their triumvirate.  But Ferdinand, who was altogether
selfish, and quite solitary in his prospects, discouraged all those
advances, being resolved to trade upon his own bottom only, and to avoid
all such connexions with any person or society whatever; much more, with
a set of raw adventurers whose talents he despised.  With these
sentiments, he still maintained the dignity and reserve of his first
appearance among them, and rather enhanced than diminished that idea of
importance which he had inspired at the beginning; because, besides his
other qualifications, they gave him credit for the address with which he
kept himself superior to their united designs.

While he thus enjoyed his pre-eminence, together with the fruits of his
success at play, which he managed so discreetly as never to incur the
reputation of an adventurer, he one day chanced to be at the ordinary,
when the company was surprised by the entrance of such a figure as had
never appeared before in that place.  This was no other than a person
habited in the exact uniform of an English jockey.  His leathern cap, cut
bob, fustian frock, flannel waistcoat, buff breeches, hunting-boots and
whip, were sufficient of themselves to furnish out a phenomenon for the
admiration of all Paris.  But these peculiarities were rendered still
more conspicuous by the behaviour of the man who owned them.  When he
crossed the threshold of the outward door, he produced such a sound from
the smack of his whip, as equalled the explosion of an ordinary cohorn;
and then broke forth into the halloo of a foxhunter, which he uttered
with all its variations, in a strain of vociferation that seemed to
astonish and confound the whole assembly, to whom he introduced himself
and his spaniel, by exclaiming, in a tone something less melodious than
the cry of mackerel or live cod, "By your leave, gentlevolks, I hope
there's no offence, in an honest plain Englishman's coming with money in
his pocket, to taste a bit of your Vrench frigasee and ragooze."

This declaration was made in such a wild, fantastical manner, that the
greatest part of the company mistook him for some savage monster or
maniac, and consulted their safety by starting up from table, and drawing
their swords.  The Englishman, seeing such a martial apparatus produced
against him, recoiled two or three steps, saying, "Waunds! a believe the
people are all bewitched.  What, do they take me for a beast of prey? is
there nobody here that knows Sir Stentor Stile, or can speak to me in my
own lingo?"  He had no sooner pronounced these words, than the baronet,
with marks of infinite surprise, ran towards him, crying, "Good Heaven!
Sir Stentor, who expected to meet with you in Paris?"  Upon which, the
other eyeing him very earnestly, "Odds heartlikins!" cried he, "my
neighbour, Sir Giles Squirrel, as I am a living soul!"  With these words
he flew upon him like a tiger, kissed him from ear to ear, demolished his
periwig, and disordered the whole economy of his dress, to the no small
entertainment of the company.

Having well-nigh stifled his countryman with embraces, and besmeared
himself with pulville from head to foot, he proceeded in this manner,
"Mercy upon thee, knight, thou art so transmographied, and bedaubed, and
bedizened, that thou mought rob thy own mother without fear of
information.  Look ye here now, I will be trussed, if the very bitch that
was brought up in thy own bosom knows thee again.  Hey, Sweetlips, here
hussy, d--n the tuoad, dos't n't know thy old measter?  Ey, ey, thou
may'st smell till Christmas, I'll be bound to be hanged, knight, if the
creature's nose an't foundered by the d----d stinking perfumes you have
got among you."

These compliments being passed, the two knights sat down by one another,
and Sir Stentor being asked by his neighbour, upon what errand he had
crossed the sea, gave him to understand, that he had come to France, in
consequence of a wager with Squire Snaffle, who had laid a thousand
pounds, that he, Sir Stentor, would not travel to Paris by himself, and
for a whole month appear every day at a certain hour in the public walks,
without wearing any other dress than that in which he saw him.  "The
fellor has got no more stuff in his pate," continued this polite
stranger, "than a jackass, to think I could not find my way hither thof I
could not jabber your French lingo.  Ecod! the people of this country are
sharp enough to find out your meaning, when you want to spend anything
among them; and, as for the matter of dress, bodikins! for a thousand
pound, I would engage to live in the midst of them, and show myself
without any clothes at all.  Odds heart! a true-born Englishman needs not
be ashamed to show his face, nor his backside neither, with the best
Frenchman that ever trod the ground.  Thof we Englishmen don't beplaister
our doublets with gold and silver, I believe as how we have our pockets
better lined than most of our neighbours; and for all my bit of a fustian
frock, that cost me in all but forty shillings, I believe, between you
and me, knight, I have more dust in my fob, than all those powdered
sparks put together.  But the worst of the matter is this; here is no
solid belly-timber in this country.  One can't have a slice of delicate
sirloin, or nice buttock of beef, for love nor money.  A pize upon them!
I could get no eatables upon the ruoad, but what they called bully, which
looks like the flesh of Pharaoh's lean kine stewed into rags and tatters;
and then their peajohn, peajohn, rabbet them!  One would think every old
woman of this kingdom hatched pigeons from her own body."

It is not to be supposed that such an original sat unobserved.  The
French and other foreigners, who had never been in England, were struck
dumb with amazement at the knight's appearance and deportment; while the
English guests were overwhelmed with shame and confusion, and kept a most
wary silence, for fear of being recognised by their countryman.  As for
our adventurer, he was inwardly transported with joy at sight of this
curiosity.  He considered him as a genuine, rich country booby, of the
right English growth, fresh as imported; and his heart throbbed with
rapture, when he heard Sir Stentor value himself upon the lining of his
pockets.  He foresaw, indeed, that the other knight would endeavour to
reserve him for his own game; but he was too conscious of his own
accomplishments to think he should find great difficulty in superseding
the influence of Sir Giles.

Meanwhile, the new-comer was by his friend helped to some ragout, which
pleased his palate so well, that he declared he should now make a hearty
meal, for the first time since he had crossed the water; and, while his
good-humour prevailed, he drank to every individual around the table.
Ferdinand seized this opportunity of insinuating himself into his favour,
by saying in English, he was glad to find there was anything in France
that was agreeable to Sir Stentor.  To this compliment the knight replied
with an air of surprise: "Waunds! I find here's another countryman of
mine in this here company.  Sir, I am proud to see you with all my
heart."  So speaking, he thrust out his right hand across the table, and
shook our hero by the fist, with such violence of civility, as proved
very grievous to a French marquis, who, in helping himself to soup, was
jostled in such a manner, as to overturn the dividing-spoon in his own
bosom.  The Englishman, seeing the mischief he had produced, cried, "No
offence, I hope," in a tone of vociferation, which the marquis in all
probability misconstrued; for he began to model his features into a very
sublime and peremptory look, when Fathom interpreted the apology, and at
the same time informed Sir Stentor, that although he himself had not the
honour of being an Englishman, he had always entertained a most
particular veneration for the country, and learned the language in
consequence of that esteem.

"Blood!" answered the knight, "I think myself the more obliged to you for
your kind opinion, than if you was my countryman in good earnest.  For
there be abundance of we English--no offence, Sir Giles--that seem to be
ashamed of their own nation, and leave their homes to come and spend
their fortunes abroad, among a parcel of--you understand me, sir--a word
to the wise, as the saying is."--Here he was interrupted by an article of
the second course, that seemed to give him great disturbance.  This was a
roasted leveret, very strong of the fumet, which happened to be placed
directly under his nose.  His sense of smelling was no sooner encountered
by the effluvia of this delicious fare, than he started up from table,
exclaiming, "Odd's my liver! here's a piece of carrion, that I would not
offer to e'er a hound in my kennel; 'tis enough to make any Christian
vomit both gut and gall"; and indeed by the wry faces he made while he
ran to the door, his stomach seemed ready to justify this last assertion.

The abbe, who concluded, from these symptoms of disgust, that the leveret
was not sufficiently stale, began to exhibit marks of discontent, and
desired that it might be brought to the other end of the table for his
examination.  He accordingly hung over it with the most greedy appetite,
feasting his nostrils with the steams of animal putrefaction; and at
length declared that the morceau was passable, though he owned it would
have been highly perfect, had it been kept another week.  Nevertheless,
mouths were not wanting to discuss it, insipid as it was; for in three
minutes there was not a vestige to be seen of that which had offended the
organs of Sir Stentor, who now resumed his place, and did justice to the
dessert.  But what he seemed to relish better than any other part of the
entertainment, was the conversation of our adventurer, whom, after
dinner, he begged to have the honour of treating with a dish of coffee,
to the seeming mortification of his brother knight, over which Fathom
exulted in his own heart.

In short, our hero, by his affability and engaging deportment,
immediately gained possession of Sir Stentor's good graces, insomuch,
that he desired to crack a bottle with him in the evening, and they
repaired to an auberge, whither his fellow-knight accompanied him, not
without manifest signs of reluctance.  There the stranger gave a loose to
jollity; though at first he d---ed the burgundy as a poor thin liquor,
that ran through him in a twinkling, and, instead of warming, cooled his
heart and bowels.  However, it insensibly seemed to give the lie to his
imputation; for his spirits rose to a more elevated pitch of mirth and
good-fellowship; he sung, or rather roared, the Early Horn, so as to
alarm the whole neighbourhood, and began to slabber his companions with a
most bear-like affection.  Yet whatever haste he made to the goal of
ebriety, he was distanced by his brother baronet, who from the beginning
of the party had made little other use of his mouth than to receive the
glass, and now sunk down upon the floor, in a state of temporary
annihilation.

He was immediately carried to bed by the direction of Ferdinand, who now
saw himself in a manner possessor of that mine to which he had made such
eager and artful advances.  That he might, therefore, carry on the
approaches in the same cautious manner, he gradually shook off the
trammels of sobriety, gave a loose to that spirit of freedom which good
liquor commonly inspires, and, in the familiarity of drunkenness, owned
himself head of a noble family of Poland, from which he had been obliged
to absent himself on account of an affair of honour, not yet compromised.

Having made this confession, and laid strong injunctions of secrecy upon
Sir Stentor, his countenance seemed to acquire from every succeeding
glass a new symptom of intoxication.  They renewed their embraces,
swore eternal friendship from that day, and swallowed fresh bumpers, till
both being in all appearance quite overpowered, they began to yawn in
concert, and even nod in their chairs.  The knight seemed to resent the
attacks of slumber, as so many impertinent attempts to interrupt their
entertainment; he cursed his own propensity to sleep, imputing it to the
d---ed French climate, and proposed to engage in some pastime that would
keep them awake.  "Odd's flesh!" cried the Briton, "when I'm at home, I
defy all the devils in hell to fasten my eyelids together, if so be as
I'm otherwise inclined.  For there's mother and sister Nan, and brother
Numps and I, continue to divert ourselves at all-fours, brag, cribbage,
tetotum, husslecap, and chuck-varthing, and, thof I say it, that should
n't say it, I won't turn my back to e'er a he in England, at any of these
pastimes.  And so, Count, if you are so disposed, I am your man, that is,
in the way of friendship, at which of these you shall please to pitch
upon."

To this proposal Fathom replied, he was quite ignorant of all the games
he had mentioned; but, in order to amuse Sir Stentor, he would play with
him at lansquenet, for a trifle, as he had laid it down for a maxim, to
risk nothing considerable at play.  "Waunds!" answered the knight, "I
hope you don't think I come here in quest of money.  Thank God! I have a
good landed estate worth five thousand a year, and owe no man a
halfpenny; and I question whether there be many counts in your nation--no
offence, I hope--that can say a bolder word.  As for your lambskin net, I
know nothing of the matter; but I will toss up with you for a guinea,
cross or pile, as the saying is; or, if there's such a thing in this
country as a box and dice, I love to hear the bones rattle sometimes."

Fathom found some difficulty in concealing his joy at the mention of this
last amusement, which had been one of his chief studies, and in which he
had made such progress, that he could calculate all the chances with the
utmost exactness and certainty.  However, he made shift to contain
himself within due bounds, and, with seeming indifference, consented to
pass away an hour at hazard, provided the implements could be procured.
Accordingly, the landlord was consulted, and their desire gratified; the
dice were produced, and the table resounded with the effects of their
mutual eagerness.  Fortune, at first, declared for the Englishman, who
was permitted by our adventurer to win twenty broad pieces; and he was so
elated with his success, as to accompany every lucky throw with a loud
burst of laughter, and other savage and simple manifestations of
excessive joy, exclaiming, in a tone something less sweet than the
bellowing of a bull, "Now for the main, Count,--odd! here they come--here
are the seven black stars, i'faith.  Come along, my yellow boys--odd's
heart! I never liked the face of Lewis before."

Fathom drew happy presages from these boyish raptures, and, after having
indulged them for some time, began to avail himself of his arithmetic, in
consequence of which the knight was obliged to refund the greatest part
of his winning.  Then he altered his note, and became as intemperate in
his chagrin, as he had been before immoderate in his mirth.  He cursed
himself and his whole generation, d---ed his bad luck, stamped with his
feet upon the floor, and challenged Ferdinand to double stakes.  This was
a very welcome proposal to our hero, who found Sir Stentor just such a
subject as he had long desired to encounter with; the more the Englishman
laid, the more he lost, and Fathom took care to inflame his passions, by
certain well-timed sarcasms upon his want of judgment, till at length he
became quite outrageous, swore the dice were false, and threw them out at
the window; pulled off his periwig, and committed it to the flames, spoke
with the most rancorous contempt of his adversary's skill, insisted upon
his having stripped many a better man, for all he was a Count, and
threatening that, before they parted, he should not only look like a
Pole, but also smell like a pole-cat.

This was a spirit which our adventurer industriously kept up, observing
that the English were dupes to all the world; and that, in point of
genius and address, they were no more than noisy braggadocios.  In short,
another pair of dice was procured, the stakes were again raised, and,
after several vicissitudes, fortune declared so much in favour of the
knight, that Fathom lost all the money in his pocket, amounting to a
pretty considerable sum.  By this time he was warmed into uncommon
eagerness and impatience; being equally piqued at the success and
provoking exultations of his antagonist, whom he now invited to his
lodgings, in order to decide the contest. Sir Stentor complied with this
request; the dispute was renewed with various success, till, towards
daylight, Ferdinand saw this noisy, raw, inexperienced simpleton, carry
off all his ready cash, together with his jewels, and almost everything
that was valuable about his person; and, to crown the whole, the victor
at parting told him with a most intolerable sneer, that as soon as the
Count should receive another remittance from Poland, he would give him
his revenge.




CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

HE BEARS HIS FATE LIKE A PHILOSOPHER; AND CONTRACTS ACQUAINTANCE WITH A
VERY REMARKABLE PERSONAGE.


This was a proper subject for our hero to moralise upon; and accordingly
it did not pass without his remarks; he found himself fairly foiled at
his own weapons, reduced to indigence in a foreign land, and, what he
chiefly regretted, robbed of all those gay expectations he had indulged
from his own supposed excellence in the wiles of fraud; for, upon a
little recollection, he plainly perceived he had fallen a sacrifice to
the confederacy he had refused to join; and did not at all doubt that the
dice were loaded for his destruction.  But, instead of beating his head
against the wall, tearing his hair, imprecating vain curses upon himself,
or betraying other frantic symptoms of despair, he resolved to
accommodate himself to his fate, and profit by the lesson he had so
dearly bought.

With this intention, he immediately dismissed his valet, quitted his
lodgings, retired to an obscure street on the other side of the river,
and, covering one eye with a large patch of black silk, presented himself
in quality of a musician to the director of the opera, who, upon hearing
a trial of his skill, received him into the band without further
question.  While he continued in this situation, he not only improved his
taste and execution in music, but likewise found frequent opportunities
to extend his knowledge of mankind; for, besides the employment he
exercised in public, he was often concerned in private concerts that were
given in the hotels of noblemen; by which means he became more and more
acquainted with the persons, manners, and characters of high life, which
he contemplated with the most industrious attention, as a spectator, who,
being altogether unconcerned in the performance, is at more liberty to
observe and enjoy the particulars of the entertainment.

It was in one of those assemblies he had the pleasure of seeing his
friend Sir Stentor, dressed in the most fashionable manner, and behaving
with all the overstrained politesse of a native Frenchman.  He was
accompanied by his brother knight and the abbe; and this triumvirate,
even in Fathom's hearing, gave a most ludicrous detail of the finesse
they had practised upon the Polish Count, to their entertainer, who was
ambassador from a certain court, and made himself extremely merry with
the particulars of the relation.  Indeed, they made shift to describe
some of the circumstances in such a ridiculous light, that our adventurer
himself, smarting as he was with the disgrace, could not help laughing in
secret at the account.  He afterwards made it his business to inquire
into the characters of the two British knights, and understood they were
notorious sharpers, who had come abroad for the good of their country,
and now hunted in couple among a French pack, that dispersed themselves
through the public ordinaries, walks, and spectacles, in order to make a
prey of incautious strangers.

The pride of Ferdinand was piqued at this information; and he was even
animated with the desire of making reprisals upon this fraternity, from
which he ardently longed to retrieve his honour and effects.  But the
issue of his last adventure had reinforced his caution; and, for the
present, he found means to suppress the dictates of his avarice and
ambition; resolving to employ his whole penetration in reconnoitring the
ground, before he should venture to take the field again.  He therefore
continued to act the part of a one-eyed fiddler, under the name of
Fadini, and lived with incredible frugality, that he might save a purse
for his future operations.  In this manner had he proceeded for the space
of ten months, during which he acquired a competent knowledge of the city
of Paris, when his curiosity was attracted by certain peculiarities in
the appearance of a man who lived in one of the upper apartments
belonging to the house in which he himself had fixed his habitation.

This was a tall, thin, meagre figure, with a long black beard, an
aquiline nose, a brown complexion, and a most piercing vivacity in his
eyes.  He seemed to be about the age of fifty, wore the Persian habit,
and there was a remarkable severity in his aspect and demeanour.  He and
our adventurer had been fellow-lodgers for some time, and, according to
the laudable custom in these days, had hitherto remained as much
estranged to one another, as if they had lived on opposite sides of the
globe; but of late the Persian seemed to regard our hero with particular
attention; when they chanced to meet on the staircase, or elsewhere, he
bowed to Ferdinand with great solemnity, and complimented him with the
pas.  He even proceeded, in the course of this communication, to open his
mouth, and salute him with a good-morrow, and sometimes made the common
remarks upon the weather.  Fathom, who was naturally complaisant, did not
discourage these advances.  On the contrary, he behaved to him with marks
of particular respect, and one day desired the favour of his company to
breakfast.

This invitation the stranger declined with due acknowledgment, on
pretence of being out of order; and, in the meantime, our adventurer
bethought himself of questioning the landlord concerning his outlandish
guest.  His curiosity was rather inflamed than satisfied with the
information he could obtain from this quarter; for all he learned was,
that the Persian went by the name of Ali Beker, and that he had lived in
the house for the space of four months, in a most solitary and
parsimonious manner, without being visited by one living soul; that, for
some time after his arrival, he had been often heard to groan dismally in
the night, and even to exclaim in an unknown language, as if he had
laboured under some grievous affliction; and though the first transports
of his grief had subsided, it was easy to perceive he still indulged a
deep-rooted melancholy; for the tears were frequently observed to trickle
down his beard.  The commissaire of the quarter had at first ordered this
Oriental to be watched in his outgoings, according to the maxims of the
French police; but his life was found so regular and inoffensive, that
this precaution was soon set aside.

Any man of humane sentiments, from the knowledge of these particulars,
would have been prompted to offer his services to the forlorn stranger;
but as our hero was devoid of all these infirmities of human nature, it
was necessary that other motives should produce the same effect.  His
curiosity, therefore, joined with the hopes of converting the confidence
of Ali to his own emolument, effectually impelled him towards his
acquaintance; and, in a little time, they began to relish the
conversation of each other.  For, as the reader may have already
observed, Fathom possessed all the arts of insinuation, and had
discernment enough to perceive an air of dignity in the Persian, which
the humility of his circumstances could not conceal.  He was, moreover, a
man of good understanding, not without a tincture of letters, perfectly
well bred, though in a ceremonious style, extremely moral in his
discourse, and scrupulously nice in his notions of honour.

Our hero conformed himself in all respects to the other's opinions, and
managed his discretion so as to pass upon him for a gentleman reduced by
misfortunes to the exercise of an employment which was altogether
unsuitable to his birth and quality.  He made earnest and repeated
tenders of his good offices to the stranger, and pressed him to make use
of his purse with such cordial perseverance, that, at length, Ali's
reserve was overcome, and he condescended to borrow of him a small sum,
which in all probability, saved his life; for he had been driven to the
utmost extremity of want before he would accept of this assistance.

Fathom, having gradually stole into his good graces, began to take notice
of many piteous sighs that escaped him in the moments of their
intercourse, and seemed to denote an heart fraught with woe; and, on
pretence of administering consolation and counsel, begged leave to know
the cause of his distress, observing, that his mind would be disburdened
by such communication, and, perhaps, his grief alleviated by some means
which they might jointly concert and execute in his behalf.

Ali, thus solicited, would often shake his head, with marks of extreme
sorrow and despondence, and, while the tears gushed from his eyes,
declared that his distress was beyond the power of any remedy but death,
and that, by making our hero his confidant, he should only extend his
unhappiness to a friend, without feeling the least remission of his own
torture.  Notwithstanding these repeated declarations, Ferdinand, who was
well enough acquainted with the mind of man to know that such importunity
is seldom or never disagreeable, redoubled his instances, together with
his expressions of sympathy and esteem, until the stranger was prevailed
upon to gratify his curiosity and benevolence.  Having, therefore,
secured the chamber door one night, while all the rest of the family were
asleep, the unfortunate Ali disclosed himself in these words.




CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

THE HISTORY OF THE NOBLE CASTILIAN.


I should be ungrateful, as well as unwise, did I longer resist the desire
you express to know the particulars of that destiny which hath driven me
to this miserable disguise, and rendered me in all considerations the
most wretched of men.  I have felt your friendship, am confident of your
honour, and though my misfortunes are such as can never be repaired,
because I am utterly cut off from hope, which is the wretch's last
comfort, yet I may, by your means, be enabled to bear them with some
degree of fortitude and resignation.

Know then, my name is not Ali; neither am I of Persian extraction.  I had
once the honour to own myself a Castilian, and was, under the appellation
of Don Diego de Zelos, respected as the head of one of the most ancient
families of that kingdom.  Judge, then, how severe that distress must be,
which compels a Spaniard to renounce his country, his honours, and his
name.  My youth was not spent in inglorious ease, neither did it waste
unheeded in the rolls of fame.  Before I had attained the age of
nineteen, I was twice wounded in battle.  I once fortunately recovered
the standard of the regiment to which I belonged, after it had been
seized by the enemy; and, at another occasion, made shift to save the
life of my colonel, when he lay at the mercy of an enraged barbarian.

He that thinks I recapitulate these particulars out of ostentation, does
wrong to the unhappy Don Diego de Zelos, who, in having performed these
little acts of gallantry, thinks he has done nothing, but simply approved
himself worthy of being called a Castilian.  I mean only to do justice to
my own character, and to make you acquainted with one of the most
remarkable incidents of my life.  It was my fate, during my third
campaign, to command a troop of horse in the regiment of Don Gonzales
Orgullo, between whom and my father a family feud had long been
maintained with great enmity; and that gentleman did not leave me without
reason to believe he rejoiced at the opportunity of exercising his
resentment upon his adversary's son; for he withheld from me that
countenance which my fellow-officers enjoyed, and found means to subject
me to divers mortifications, of which I was not at liberty to complain.
These I bore in silence for some time, as part of my probation in the
character of a soldier; resolved, nevertheless, to employ my interest at
court for a removal into another corps, and to take some future
opportunity of explaining my sentiments to Don Gonzales upon the
injustice of his behaviour.

While I animated myself with these sentiments against the discouragements
I underwent, and the hard duty to which I was daily exposed, it was our
fate to be concerned in the battle of Saragossa, where our regiment was
so severely handled by the English infantry, that it was forced to give
ground with the loss of one half of its officers and men.  Don Gonzales,
who acted as brigadier in another wing, being informed of our fate, and
dreading the disgrace of his corps, which had never turned back to the
enemy, put spurs to his horse, and, riding across the field at full
speed, rallied our broken squadrons, and led us back to the charge with
such intrepidity of behaviour, as did not fail to inspire us all with
uncommon courage and alacrity.  For my own part, I thought myself doubly
interested to distinguish my valour, not only on account of my own glory,
but likewise on the supposition, that, as I was acting under the eye of
Gonzales, my conduct would be narrowly observed.

I therefore exerted myself with unusual vigour, and as he began the
attack with the remains of my troop, fought close by his side during the
rest of the engagement.  I even acquired his applause in the very heat of
battle.  When his hat was struck off, and his horse fell under him, I
accommodated and remounted him upon my own, and, having seized for my own
use another that belonged to a common trooper, attended this stern
commander as before, and seconded him in all his repeated efforts; but it
was impossible to withstand the numbers and impetuosity of the foe, and
Don Gonzales having had the mortification to see his regiment cut in
pieces, and the greatest part of the army routed, was fain to yield to
the fortune of the day; yet he retired as became a man of honour and a
Castilian; that is, he marched off with great deliberation in the rear of
the Spanish troops, and frequently faced about to check the pursuit of
the enemy.  Indeed, this exercise of his courage had well-nigh cost him
his life; for, in one of those wheelings, he was left almost alone, and a
small party of the Portuguese horse had actually cut off our
communication with the retreating forces of Spain.

In this dilemma, we had no other chance of saving our lives and liberty,
than that of opening a passage sword in hand; and this was what Gonzales
instantly resolved to attempt.  We accordingly recommended our souls to
God, and, charging the line abreast of one another, bore down all
opposition, and were in a fair way of accomplishing our retreat without
further danger; but the gallant Orgullo, in crossing a ditch, had the
misfortune to be thrown from his horse, and was almost the same instant
overtaken by one of the Portuguese dragoons, whose sword was already
suspended over his head, as he lay half stunned with his fall; when I
rode up, discharged a pistol in the ruffian's brain, and, seating my
colonel on his horse, had the good fortune to conduct him to a place of
safety.

Here he was provided with such accommodation as his case required; for he
had been wounded in the battle, and dangerously bruised by his fall, and,
when all the necessary steps were taken towards his recovery, I desired
to know if he had any further commands for his service, being resolved to
join the army without delay.  I thought proper to communicate this
question by message, because he had not spoke one word to me during our
retreat, notwithstanding the good office he had received at my hands; a
reserve which I attributed to his pride, and resented accordingly.  He no
sooner understood my intention, than he desired to see me in his
apartment, and, as near as I can remember, spoke to this effect:--

"Were your father Don Alonzo alive, I should now, in consequence of your
behaviour, banish every suggestion of resentment, and solicit his
friendship with great sincerity.  Yes, Don Diego, your virtue hath
triumphed over that enmity I bore your house, and I upbraid myself with
the ungenerous treatment you have suffered under my command.  But it is
not enough for me to withdraw that rigour which it was unjust to
exercise, and would be wicked to maintain.  I must likewise atone for the
injuries you have sustained, and make some suitable acknowledgment for
that life which I have twice to-day owed to your valour and generosity.
Whatever interest I have at court shall be employed in your behalf; and I
have other designs in your favour, which shall be disclosed in due
season.  Meanwhile, I desire you will still add one obligation to the
debt which I have already incurred, and carry this billet in person to my
Estifania, who, from the news of this fatal overthrow must be in despair
upon my account."

So saying, he presented a letter, directed to his lady, which I received
in a transport of joy, with expressions suitable to the occasion, and
immediately set out for his country house, which happened to be about
thirty leagues from the spot.  This expedition was equally glorious and
interesting; for my thoughts upon the road were engrossed by the hope of
seeing Don Orgullo's daughter and heiress Antonia, who was reported to be
a young lady of great beauty, and the most amiable accomplishments.
However ridiculous it may seem for a man to conceive a passion for an
object which he hath never beheld, certain it is, my sentiments were so
much prepossessed by the fame of her qualifications, that I must have
fallen a victim to her charms, had they been much less powerful than they
were.  Notwithstanding the fatigues I had undergone in the field, I
closed not an eye until I arrived at the gate of Gonzales, being
determined to precede the report of the battle, that Madame d'Orgullo
might not be alarmed for the life of her husband.

I declared my errand, and was introduced into a saloon, where I had not
waited above three minutes, when my colonel's lady appeared, and in great
confusion received the letter, exclaiming, "Heaven grant that Don
Gonzales be well!"  In reading the contents, she underwent a variety of
agitations; but, when she had perused the whole, her countenance regained
its serenity, and, regarding me with an air of ineffable complacency,
"Don Diego," said she, "while I lament the national calamity, in the
defeat of our army, I at the same time feel the most sincere pleasure on
seeing you upon this occasion, and, according to the directions of my
dear lord, bid you heartily welcome to this house, as his preserver and
friend.  I was not unacquainted with your character before this last
triumph of your virtue, and have often prayed to Heaven for some lucky
determination of that fatal quarrel which raged so long between the
family of Gonzales and your father's house.  My prayers have been heard,
the long-wished-for reconciliation is now effected, and I hope nothing
will ever intervene to disturb this happy union."

To this polite and affectionate declaration, I made such a reply as
became a young man, whose heart overflowed with joy and benevolence, and
desired to know how soon her answer to my commander would be ready, that
I might gratify his impatience with all possible despatch.  After having
thanked me for this fresh proof of my attachment, she begged I would
retire into a chamber, and repose myself from the uncommon fatigues I
must have undergone; but, finding I persisted in the resolution of
returning to Don Gonzales, without allowing myself the least benefit of
sleep, she left me engaged in conversation with an uncle of Don Gonzales,
who lodged in the house, and gave orders that a collation should be
prepared in another apartment, while she retired to her closet, and wrote
a letter to her husband.

In less than an hour from my first arrival, I was introduced into a most
elegant dining-room, where a magnificent entertainment was served up, and
where we were joined by Donna Estifania, and her beautiful daughter the
fair Antonia, who, advancing with the most amiable sweetness, thanked me
in very warm expressions of acknowledgment, for the generosity of my
conduct towards her father.  I had been ravished with her first
appearance, which far exceeded my imagination, and my faculties were so
disordered by this address, that I answered her compliment with the most
awkward confusion.  But this disorder did not turn to my prejudice in the
opinion of that lovely creature, who has often told me in the sequel,
that she gave herself credit for that perplexity in my behaviour, and
that I never appeared more worthy of her regard and affection than at
that juncture, when my dress was discomposed, and my whole person
disfigured by the toils and duty of the preceding day; for this very
dishabille presented itself to her reflection as the immediate effect of
that very merit by which I was entitled to her esteem.

Wretch that I am! to survive the loss of such an excellent woman,
endeared to my remembrance by the most tender offices of wedlock, happily
exercised for the space of five-and-twenty years!  Forgive these tears;
they are not the drops of weakness, but remorse.  Not to trouble you with
idle particulars, suffice it is to say, I was favoured with such marks of
distinction by Madame d'Orgullo, that she thought it incumbent upon her
to let me know she had not overacted her hospitality, and, while we sat
at table, accosted me in these words: "You will not be surprised, Don
Diego, at my expressions of regard, which I own are unusual from a
Spanish lady to a young cavalier like you, when I communicate the
contents of this letter from Don Gonzales."  So saying, she put the
billet into my hand, and I read these words, or words to this effect:--

"AMIABLE ESTIFANIA,--You will understand that I am as well as a person
can possibly be who hath this day lived to see the army of his king
defeated.  If you would know the particulars of this unfortunate action,
your curiosity will be gratified by the bearer, Don Diego de Zelos, to
whose virtue and bravery I am twice indebted for my life.  I therefore
desire you will receive him with that respect and gratitude which you
shall think due for such an obligation; and, in entertaining him, dismiss
that reserve which often disgraces the Spanish hospitality.  In a word,
let your own virtue and beneficence conduct you upon this occasion, and
let my Antonia's endeavours be joined with your own in doing honour to
the preserver of her father!  Adieu."

Such a testimonial could not fail of being very agreeable to a young
soldier, who by this time had begun to indulge the transporting hope of
being happy in the arms of the adorable Antonia.  I professed myself
extremely happy in having met with an opportunity of acquiring such a
degree of my colonel's esteem, entertained them with a detail of his
personal prowess in the battle, and answered all their questions with
that moderation which every man ought to preserve in speaking of his own
behaviour.  Our repast being ended, I took my leave of the ladies, and at
parting received a letter from Donna Estifania to her husband, together
with a ring of great value, which she begged I would accept, as a token
of her esteem.  Thus loaded with honour and caresses, I set out on my
return for the quarters of Don Gonzales, who could scarce credit his own
eyes when I delivered his lady's billet; for he thought it impossible to
perform such a journey in so short a time.

When he had glanced over the paper, "Don Diego," said he, "by your short
stay one would imagine you had met with indifferent reception at my
house.  I hope Estifania has not been deficient in her duty?"  I answered
this question, by assuring him my entertainment had been so agreeable in
all respects, that nothing but my duty to him could have induced me to
give it up so soon.  He then turned the conversation upon Antonia, and
hinted his intention of giving her in marriage to a young cavalier, for
whom he had a particular friendship.  I was so much affected by this
insinuation, which seemed at once to blast all my hopes of love and
happiness, that the blood forsook my face; I was seized with an universal
trepidation, and even obliged to retire, on pretence of being suddenly
taken ill.

Though Gonzales seemed to impute this disorder to fatigue and want of
rest, he in his heart ascribed it to the true cause; and, after having
sounded my sentiments to his own satisfaction, blessed me with a
declaration, importing, that I was the person upon whom he had pitched
for a son-in-law.  I will not trouble you with a repetition of what
passed on this interesting occasion, but proceed to observe, that his
intention in my favour was far from being disagreeable to his lady; and
that, in a little time, I had the good fortune to espouse the charming
Antonia, who submitted to the will of her father without reluctance.

Soon after this happy event, I was, by the influence of Don Gonzales,
joined to my own interest, promoted to the command of a regiment, and
served with honour during the remaining part of the war.  After the
treaty of Utrecht, I was employed in reducing the Catalans to their
allegiance; and, in an action with those obstinate rebels had the
misfortune to lose my father-in-law, who by that time was preferred to
the rank of a major-general.  The virtuous Estifania did not long survive
this melancholy accident; and the loss of these indulgent parents made
such a deep impression upon the tender heart of my Antonia, that I took
the first opportunity of removing her from a place in which every object
served to cherish her grief, to a pleasant villa near the city of
Seville, which I purchased on account of its agreeable situation.  That I
might the more perfectly enjoy the possession of my amiable partner, who
could no longer brook the thoughts of another separation, peace was no
sooner re-established than I obtained leave to resign my commission, and
I wholly devoted myself to the joys of a domestic life.

Heaven seemed to smile upon our union, by blessing us with a son, whom,
however, it was pleased to recall in his infancy, to our unspeakable
grief and mortification; but our mutual chagrin was afterwards alleviated
by the birth of a daughter, who seemed born with every accomplishment to
excite the love and admiration of mankind.  Why did nature debase such a
masterpiece with the mixture of an alloy, which hath involved herself and
her whole family in perdition?  But the ways of Providence are
unsearchable.  She hath paid the debt of her degeneracy; peace be with
her soul!  The honour of my family is vindicated; though by a sacrifice
which hath robbed me of everything else that is valuable in life, and
ruined my peace past all redemption.  Yes, my friend, all the tortures
that human tyranny can inflict would be ease, tranquillity, and delight,
to the unspeakable pangs and horrors I have felt.

But, to return from this digression.--Serafina, which was the name of
that little darling, as she grew up, not only disclosed all the natural
graces of external beauty, but likewise manifested the most engaging
sweetness of disposition, and a capacity for acquiring with ease all the
accomplishments of her sex.  It is impossible to convey any adequate idea
of a parent's raptures in the contemplation of such a fair blossom.  She
was the only pledge of our love, she was presumptive heiress to a large
fortune, and likely to be the sole representative of two noble Castilian
families.  She was the delight of all who saw her, and a theme of praise
for every tongue.  You are not to suppose that the education of such a
child was neglected.  Indeed, it wholly engrossed the attention of me and
my Antonia, and her proficiency rewarded our care.  Before she had
attained the age of fifteen, she was mistress of every elegant
qualification, natural and acquired.  Her person was, by that time, the
confessed pattern of beauty.  Her voice was enchantingly sweet, and she
touched the lute with the most ravishing dexterity.  Heaven and earth!
how did my breast dilate with joy at the thoughts of having given birth
to such perfection! how did my heart gush with paternal fondness,
whenever I beheld this ornament of my name! and what scenes of endearing
transport have I enjoyed with my Antonia, in mutual congratulation upon
our parental happiness!

Serafina, accomplished as she was, could not fail to make conquests among
the Spanish cavaliers, who are famous for sensibility in love.  Indeed,
she never appeared without a numerous train of admirers; and though we
had bred her up in that freedom of conversation and intercourse which
holds a middle space between the French licence and Spanish restraint,
she was now so much exposed to the addresses of promiscuous gallantry,
that we found it necessary to retrench the liberty of our house, and
behave to our male visitants with great reserve and circumspection, that
our honour and peace might run no risk from the youth and inexperience of
our daughter.

This caution produced overtures from a great many young gentlemen of rank
and distinction, who courted my alliance, by demanding Serafina in
marriage; and from the number I had actually selected one person, who was
in all respects worthy the possession of such an inestimable prize.  His
name was Don Manuel de Mendoza.  His birth was noble, and his character
dignified with repeated acts of generosity and virtue.  Yet, before I
would signify to him my approbation of his suit, I resolved to inform
myself whether or not the heart of Serafina was totally unengaged, and
indifferent to any other object, that I might not lay a tyrannical
restraint upon her inclinations.  The result of my inquiry was a full
conviction of her having hitherto been deaf to the voice of love; and
this piece of information, together with my own sentiments in his favour,
I communicated to Don Manuel, who heard these tidings with transports of
gratitude and joy.  He was immediately favoured with opportunities of
acquiring the affection of my daughter, and his endeavours were at first
received with such respectful civility, as might have been easily warmed
into a mutual passion, had not the evil genius of our family interposed.

O my friend! how shall I describe the depravity of that unhappy virgin's
sentiments! how recount the particulars of my own dishonour!  I that am
descended from a long line of illustrious Castilians, who never received
an injury they did not revenge, but washed away every blemish in their
fame with the blood of those who attempted to stain it!  In that
circumstance I have imitated the example of my glorious progenitors, and
that consideration alone hath supported me against all the assaults of
despair.

As I grudged no pains and expense in perfecting the education of
Serafina, my doors were open to every person who made an extraordinary
figure in the profession of those amusing sciences in which she
delighted.  The house of Don Diego de Zelos was a little academy for
painting, poetry, and music; and Heaven decreed that it should fall a
sacrifice to its regard for these fatal and delusive arts.  Among other
preceptors, it was her fate to be under the instruction of a cursed
German, who, though his profession was drawing, understood the elements
and theory of music, possessed a large fund of learning and taste, and
was a person remarkable for his agreeable conversation.  This traitor,
who like you had lost one eye, I not only admitted into my house for the
improvement of my daughter, but even distinguished with particular marks
of confidence and favour, little thinking he had either inclination or
capacity to debauch the sentiments of my child.  I was rejoiced beyond
measure to see with what alacrity she received his lessons, with what
avidity she listened to his discourse, which was always equally moral,
instructing, and entertaining.

Antonia seemed to vie with me in expressions of regard for this
accomplished stranger, whom she could not help supposing to be a person
of rank and family, reduced to his present situation by some unfortunate
vicissitude of fate.  I was disposed to concur with this opinion, and
actually conjured him to make me his confidant, with such protestations
as left him no room to doubt my honour and beneficence; but he still
persisted in declaring himself the son of an obscure mechanic in Bohemia;
an origin to which surely no man would pretend who had the least claim to
nobility of birth.  While I was thus undeceived in my conjecture touching
his birth and quality, I was confirmed in an opinion of his integrity and
moderation, and looked upon him as a man of honour, in despite of the
lowness of his pedigree.  Nevertheless, he was at bottom a most
perfidious wretch, and all this modesty and self-denial were the effects
of the most villanous dissimulation, a cloak under which he, unsuspected,
robbed me of my honour and my peace.

Not to trouble you with particulars, the recital of which would tear my
heart-strings with indignation and remorse, I shall only observe, that,
by the power of his infernal insinuation, he fascinated the heart of
Serafina, brought over Antonia herself to the interests of his passion,
and at once detached them both from their duty and religion.  Heaven and
earth! how dangerous, how irresistible is the power of infatuation!
While I remained in the midst of this blind security, waiting for the
nuptials of my daughter, and indulging myself with the vain prospect of
her approaching felicity, Antonia found means to protract the
negotiations of the marriage, by representing that it would be a pity to
deprive Serafina of the opportunity she then had of profiting by the
German's instructions; and, upon that account, I prevailed upon Don
Manuel to bridle the impatience of his love.

During this interval, as I one evening enjoyed the cool air in my own
garden, I was accosted by an old duenna, who had been my nurse and lived
in the family since the time of my childhood.--"My duty," said she, "will
no longer permit me to wink in silence at the wrongs I see you daily
suffer.  Dismiss that German from your house without delay, if you
respect the glory of your name, and the rights of our holy religion; the
stranger is an abominable heretic; and, grant Heaven! he may not have
already poisoned the minds of those you hold most dear."  I had been
extremely alarmed at the beginning of this address; but, finding the
imputation limited to the article of religion, in which, thank God, I am
no bigot, I recovered my serenity of disposition, thanked the old woman
for her zeal, commended her piety, and encouraged her to persevere in
making observations on such subjects as should concern my honour and my
quiet.

We live in such a world of wickedness and fraud, that a man cannot be too
vigilant in his own defence: had I employed such spies from the
beginning, I should in all probability have been at this day in
possession of every comfort that renders life agreeable.  The duenna,
thus authorised, employed her sagacity with such success, that I had
reason to suspect the German of a design upon the heart of Serafina; but,
as the presumptions did not amount to conviction, I contented myself with
exiling him from my house, under the pretext of having discovered that he
was an enemy to the Catholic church; and forthwith appointed a day for
the celebration of my daughter's marriage with Don Manuel de Mendoza.  I
could easily perceive a cloud of melancholy overspread the faces of
Serafina and her mother, when I declared these my resolutions; but, as
they made no objection to what I proposed, I did not at that time enter
into an explanation of the true motives that influenced my conduct.  Both
parties were probably afraid of such expostulation.

Meanwhile, preparations were made for the espousals of Serafina; and,
notwithstanding the anxiety I had undergone, on account of her connexion
with the German, I began to think that her duty, her glory, had triumphed
over all such low-born considerations, if ever they had been entertained;
because she, and even Antonia, seemed to expect the ceremony with
resignation, though the features of both still retained evident marks of
concern, which I willingly imputed to the mutual prospect of their
separation.  This, however, was but a faithless calm, that soon, ah! too
soon, brought forth a tempest which hath wrecked my hopes.

Two days before the appointed union of Don Manuel and Serafina, I was
informed by the duenna, that, while she accompanied Antonia's
waiting-maid at church, she had seen her receive a billet from an old
woman, who, kneeling at her side, had conveyed it in such a mysterious
manner, as awakened the duenna's apprehensions about her young lady; she
had therefore hastened home to communicate this piece of intelligence,
that I might have an opportunity of examining the messenger before she
could have time to deposit her trust.  I could not help shivering with
fearful presages upon this occasion, and even abhorring the person to
whose duty and zeal I was beholden for the intelligence, even while I
endeavoured to persuade myself that the inquiry would end in the
detection of some paltry intrigue between the maid and her own gallant.
I intercepted her in returning from church, and, commanding her to follow
me to a convenient place, extorted from her, by dint of threats, the
fatal letter, which I read to this effect:--

"The whole business of my life, O divine Serafina! will be to repay that
affection I have been so happy as to engage.  With what transport then
shall I obey your summons, in performing that enterprise, which will
rescue you from the bed of a detested rival, and put myself in full
possession of a jewel which I value infinitely more than life!  Yes,
adorable creature!  I have provided everything for our escape, and at
midnight will attend you in your own apartment, from whence you shall be
conveyed into a land of liberty and peace, where you will, unmolested,
enjoy the purity of that religion you have espoused, and in full security
bless the arms of your ever faithful,       ORLANDO."

Were you a fond parent, a tender husband, and a noble Castilian, I should
not need to mention the unutterable horrors that took possession of my
bosom, when I perused this accursed letter, by which I learned the
apostasy, disobedience, and degeneracy of my idolised Serafina, who had
overthrown and destroyed the whole plan of felicity which I had erected,
and blasted all the glories of my name; and when the wretched messenger,
terrified by my menaces and agitation, confessed that Antonia herself was
privy to the guilt of her daughter, whom she had solemnly betrothed to
that vile German, in the sight of Heaven, and that by her connivance this
plebeian intended, that very night, to bereave me of my child, I was for
some moments stupefied with grief and amazement, that gave way to an
ecstasy of rage, which had well-nigh terminated in despair and
distraction.

I now tremble, and my head grows giddy with the remembrance of that
dreadful occasion.  Behold how the drops trickle down my forehead; this
agony is a fierce and familiar visitant; I shall banish it anon.  I
summoned my pride, my resentment, to my assistance; these are the
cordials that support me against all other reflections; those were the
auxiliaries that enabled me, in the day of trial, to perform that
sacrifice which my honour demanded, in a strain so loud as to drown the
cries of nature, love, and compassion.  Yes, they espoused that glory
which humanity would have betrayed, and my revenge was noble, though
unnatural.

My scheme was soon laid, my resolution soon taken; I privately confined
the wretch who had been the industrious slave of this infamous
conspiracy, that she might take no step to frustrate or interrupt the
execution of my design.  Then repairing to the house of an apothecary who
was devoted to my service, communicated my intention, which he durst not
condemn, and could not reveal, without breaking the oath of secrecy I had
imposed; and he furnished me with two vials of poison for the dismal
catastrophe I had planned.  Thus provided, I, on pretence of sudden
business at Seville, carefully avoided the dear, the wretched pair, whom
I had devoted to death, that my heart might not relent, by means of those
tender ideas which the sight of them would have infallibly inspired; and,
when daylight vanished, took my station near that part of the house
through which the villain must have entered on his hellish purpose.
There I stood, in a state of horrid expectation, my soul ravaged with the
different passions that assailed it, until the fatal moment arrived; when
I perceived the traitor approach the window of a lower apartment, which
led into that of Serafina, and gently lifting the casement, which was
purposely left unsecured, insinuated half of his body into the house.
Then rushing upon him, in a transport of fury, I plunged my sword into
his heart, crying, "Villain! receive the reward of thy treachery and
presumption."

The steel was so well aimed as to render a repetition of the stroke
unnecessary; he uttered one groan, and fell breathless at my feet.
Exulting with this first success of my revenge, I penetrated into the
chamber where the robber of my peace was expected by the unhappy Serafina
and her mother, who, seeing me enter with a most savage aspect, and a
sword reeking with the vengeance I had taken, seemed almost petrified
with fear.  "Behold," said I, "the blood of that base plebeian, who made
an attempt upon the honour of my house; your conspiracy against the
unfortunate Don Diego de Zelos is now discovered; that presumptuous
slave, the favoured Orlando, is now no more."

Scarce had I pronounced these words, when a loud scream was uttered by
both the unhappy victims.  "If Orlando is slain," cried the infatuated
Serafina, "what have I to do with life?  O my dear lord! my husband, and
my lover! how are our promised joys at once cut off! here, strike, my
father! complete your barbarous sacrifice! the spirit of the murdered
Orlando still hovers for his wife."  These frantic exclamations, in which
she was joined by Antonia, kept up the fury of my resentment, which by
meekness and submission might have been weakened and rendered
ineffectual.  "Yes, hapless wretches," I replied, "ye shall enjoy your
wish: the honour of my name requires that both shall die; yet I will not
mangle the breast of Antonia, on which I have so often reposed; I will
not shed the blood of Zelos, nor disfigure the beauteous form of
Serafina, on which I have so often gazed with wonder and unspeakable
delight.  Here is an elixir, to which I trust the consummation of my
revenge."

So saying, I emptied the vials into separate cups, and, presenting one in
each hand, the miserable, the fair offenders instantly received the
destined draughts, which they drank without hesitation; then praying to
heaven for the wretched Don Diego, sunk upon the same couch, and expired
without a groan.  O well-contrived beverage!  O happy composition, by
which all the miseries of life are so easily cured!

Such was the fate of Antonia and Serafina; these hands were the
instruments that deprived them of life, these eyes beheld them the
richest prize that death had ever won.  Powers supreme! does Don Diego
live to make this recapitulation?  I have done my duty; but ah! I am
haunted by the furies of remorse; I am tortured with the incessant stings
of remembrance and regret; even now the images of my wife and daughter
present themselves to my imagination.  All the scenes of happiness I have
enjoyed as a lover, husband, and parent, all the endearing hopes I have
cherished, now pass in review before me, embittering the circumstances of
my inexpressible woe; and I consider myself as a solitary outcast from
all the comforts of society.  But, enough of these unmanly complaints;
the yearnings of nature are too importunate.

Having completed my vengeance, I retired into my closet, and, furnishing
myself with some ready money and jewels of considerable value, went into
the stable, saddled my favourite steed, which I instantly mounted, and,
before the tumults of my breast subsided, found myself at the town of St.
Lucar.  There I learned from inquiry, that there was a Dutch bark in the
harbour ready to sail; upon which I addressed myself to the master, who,
for a suitable gratification, was prevailed upon to weigh anchor that
same night; so that, embarking without delay, I soon bid eternal adieu to
my native country.  It was not from reason and reflection that I took
these measures for my personal safety; but, in consequence of an
involuntary instinct, that seems to operate in the animal machine, while
the faculty of thinking is suspended.

To what a dreadful reckoning was I called, when reason resumed her
function!  You may believe me, my friend, when I assure you, that I
should not have outlived those tragedies I acted, had I not been
restrained from doing violence upon myself by certain considerations,
which no man of honour ought to set aside.  I could not bear the thought
of falling ingloriously by the hand of an executioner, and entailing
disgrace upon a family that knew no stain; and I was deterred from
putting an end to my own misery, by the apprehension of posthumous
censure, which would have represented me as a desponding wretch, utterly
destitute of that patience, fortitude, and resignation, which are the
characteristics of a true Castilian.  I was also influenced by religious
motives that suggested to me the necessity of living to atone, by my
sufferings and sorrow, for the guilt I had incurred in complying with a
savage punctilio, which is, I fear, displeasing in the sight of Heaven.

These were the reasons that opposed my entrance into that peaceful
harbour which death presented to my view; and they were soon reinforced
by another principle that sanctioned my determination to continue at the
servile oar of life.  In consequence of unfavourable winds, our vessel
for some days made small progress in her voyage to Holland, and near the
coast of Gallicia we were joined by an English ship from Vigo, the master
of which gave us to understand, that before he set sail, a courier had
arrived from Madrid at that place, with orders for the corregidore to
prevent the escape of any native Spaniard by sea from any port within his
district; and to use his utmost endeavours to apprehend the person of Don
Diego de Zelos, who was suspected of treasonable practices against the
state.  Such an order, with a minute description of my person, was at the
same time despatched to all the seaports and frontier places in Spain.

You may easily suppose how I, who was already overwhelmed with distress,
could bear this aggravation of misfortune and disgrace: I, who had always
maintained the reputation of loyalty, which was acquired at the hazard of
my life, and the expense of my blood.  To deal candidly, I must own, that
this intelligence roused me from a lethargy of grief which had begun to
overpower my faculties.  I immediately imputed this dishonourable charge
to the evil offices of some villain, who had basely taken the advantage
of my deplorable situation, and I was inflamed, inspirited with the
desire of vindicating my fame, and revenging the injury.  Thus animated,
I resolved to disguise myself effectually from the observation of those
spies which every nation finds its account in employing in foreign
countries; I purchased this habit from the Dutch navigator, in whose
house I kept myself concealed, after our arrival at Amsterdam, until my
beard was grown to a sufficient length to favour my design, and then
appeared as a Persian dealer in jewels.  As I could gain no satisfactory
information touching myself in this country, had no purpose to pursue,
and was extremely miserable among a people, who, being mercenary and
unsocial, were very ill adapted to alleviate the horrors of my condition,
I gratified my landlord for his important services, with the best part of
my effects; and having, by his means, procured a certificate from the
magistracy, repaired to Rotterdam, from whence I set out in a travelling
carriage for Antwerp, on my way to this capital; hoping, with a
succession of different objects, to mitigate the anguish of my mind, and
by the most industrious inquiry, to learn such particulars of that false
impeachment, as would enable me to take measures for my own
justification, as well as for projecting a plan of revenge against the
vile perfidious author.

This, I imagined, would be no difficult task, considering the friendship
and intercourse subsisting between the Spanish and French nations, and
the communicative disposition for which the Parisians are renowned; but I
have found myself egregiously deceived in my expectation.  The officers
of police in this city are so inquisitive and vigilant that the most
minute action of a stranger is scrutinised with great severity; and,
although the inhabitants are very frank in discoursing on indifferent
subjects, they are at the same time extremely cautious in avoiding all
conversation that turns upon state occurrences and maxims of government.
In a word, the peculiarity of my appearance subjects me so much to
particular observation, that I have hitherto thought proper to devour my
griefs in silence, and even to bear the want of almost every convenience,
rather than hazard a premature discovery, by offering my jewels to sale.

In this emergency I have been so far fortunate as to become acquainted
with you, whom I look upon as a man of honour and humanity.  Indeed, I
was at first sight prepossessed in your favour, for, notwithstanding the
mistakes which men daily commit in judging from appearances, there is
something in the physiognomy of a stranger from which one cannot help
forming an opinion of his character and disposition.  For once, my
penetration hath not failed me; your behaviour justifies my decision; you
have treated me with that sympathy and respect which none but the
generous will pay to the unfortunate.  I have trusted you accordingly.  I
have put my life, my honour, in your power; and I must beg leave to
depend upon your friendship, for obtaining that satisfaction for which
alone I seek to live.  Your employment engages you in the gay world; you
daily mingle with the societies of men; the domestics of the Spanish
ambassador will not shun your acquaintance; you may frequent the
coffee-houses to which they resort; and, in the course of these
occasions, unsuspected inform yourself of that mysterious charge which
lies heavy on the fame of the unfortunate Don Diego.  I must likewise
implore your assistance in converting my jewels into money, that I may
breathe independent of man, until Heaven shall permit me to finish this
weary pilgrimage of life.




CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

A FLAGRANT INSTANCE OF FATHOM'S VIRTUE, IN THE MANNER OF HIS RETREAT TO
ENGLAND.


Fathom, who had lent an attentive ear to every circumstance of this
disastrous story, no sooner heard it concluded, than, with an aspect of
generous and cordial compassion, not even unattended with tears, he
condoled the lamentable fate of Don Diego de Zelos, deplored the untimely
death of the gentle Antonia and the fair Serafina, and undertook the
interest of the wretched Castilian with such warmth of sympathising zeal,
as drew a flood from his eyes, while he wrung his benefactor's hand in a
transport of gratitude.  Those were literally tears of joy, or at least
of satisfaction, on both sides; as our hero wept with affection and
attachment to the jewels that were to be committed to his care; but, far
from discovering the true source of his tenderness, he affected to
dissuade the Spaniard from parting with the diamonds, which he counselled
him to reserve for a more pressing occasion; and, in the meantime,
earnestly entreated him to depend upon his friendship for present relief.

This generous proffer served only to confirm Don Diego's resolution,
which he forthwith executed, by putting into the hands of Ferdinand
jewels to the value of a thousand crowns, and desiring him to detain for
his own use any part of the sum they would raise.  Our adventurer thanked
him for the good opinion he entertained of his integrity, an opinion
fully manifested in honouring him with such important confidence, and
assured him he would transact his affairs with the utmost diligence,
caution, and despatch.  The evening being by this time almost consumed,
these new allies retired separately to rest; though each passed the night
without repose, in very different reflections, the Castilian being, as
usual, agitated with the unceasing pangs of his unalterable misery,
interspersed with gleaming hopes of revenge; and Fathom being kept awake
with revolving plans for turning his fellow-lodger's credulity to his own
advantage.  From the nature of the Spaniard's situation, he might have
appropriated the jewels to himself, and remained in Paris without fear of
a prosecution, because the injured party had, by the above narrative,
left his life and liberty at discretion.--But he did not think himself
secure from the personal resentment of an enraged desperate Castilian;
and therefore determined to withdraw himself privately into that country
where he had all along proposed to fix the standard of his finesse, which
fortune had now empowered him to exercise according to his wish.

Bent upon this retreat, he went abroad in the morning, on pretence of
acting in the concerns of his friend Don Diego, and having hired a
post-chaise to be ready at the dawning of next day, returned to his
lodgings, where he cajoled the Spaniard with a feigned report of his
negotiation; then, securing his most valuable effects about his person,
arose with the cock, repaired to the place at which he had appointed to
meet the postillion with the carriage, and set out for England without
further delay, leaving the unhappy Zelos to the horrors of indigence, and
the additional agony of this fresh disappointment.  Yet he was not the
only person affected by the abrupt departure of Fathom, which was
hastened by the importunities, threats, and reproaches of his landlord's
daughter, whom he had debauched under promise of marriage, and now left
in the fourth month of her pregnancy.

Notwithstanding the dangerous adventure in which he had been formerly
involved by travelling in the night, he did not think proper to make the
usual halts on this journey, for sleep or refreshment, nor did he once
quit the chaise till his arrival at Boulogne, which he reached in twenty
hours after his departure from Paris.  Here he thought he might safely
indulge himself with a comfortable meal; accordingly he bespoke a poulard
for dinner, and while that was preparing, went forth to view the city and
harbour.  When he beheld the white cliffs of Albion, his heart throbbed
with all the joy of a beloved son, who, after a tedious and fatiguing
voyage, reviews the chimneys of his father's house.  He surveyed the
neighbouring coast of England with fond and longing eyes, like another
Moses, reconnoitring the land of Canaan from the top of Mount Pisgah; and
to such a degree of impatience was he inflamed by the sight, that,
instead of proceeding to Calais, he resolved to take his passage directly
from Boulogne, even if he should hire a vessel for the purpose.  With
these sentiments, he inquired if there was any ship bound for England,
and was so fortunate as to find the master of a small bark, who intended
to weigh anchor for Deal that same evening at high water.

Transported with this information, he immediately agreed for his passage,
sold the post-chaise to his landlord for thirty guineas, as a piece of
furniture for which he could have no further use, purchased a
portmanteau, together with some linen and wearing apparel, and, at the
recommendation of his host, took into his service an extra postillion or
helper, who had formerly worn the livery of a travelling marquis.  This
new domestic, whose name was Maurice, underwent, with great applause, the
examination of our hero, who perceived in him a fund of sagacity and
presence of mind, by which he was excellently qualified for being the
valet of an adventurer.  He was therefore accommodated with a second-hand
suit and another shirt, and at once listed under the banners of Count
Fathom, who spent the whole afternoon in giving him proper instructions
for the regulation of his conduct.

Having settled these preliminaries to his own satisfaction, he and his
baggage were embarked about six o'clock in the month of September, and it
was not without emotion that he found himself benighted upon the great
deep, of which, before the preceding day, he had never enjoyed even the
most distant prospect.  However, he was not a man to be afraid, where
there was really no appearance of danger; and the agreeable presages of
future fortune supported his spirits, amidst the disagreeable nausea
which commonly attends landsmen at sea, until he was set ashore upon the
beach at Deal, which he entered in good health about seven o'clock in the
morning.

Like Caesar, however, he found some difficulty in landing, on account of
the swelling surf, that tumbled about with such violence as had almost
overset the cutter that carried him on shore; and, in his eagerness to
jump upon the strand, his foot slipped from the side of the boat, so that
he was thrown forwards in an horizontal direction, and his hands were the
first parts of him that touched English ground.  Upon this occasion, he,
in imitation of Scipio's behaviour on the coast of Africa, hailed the
omen, and, grasping a handful of the sand, was heard to exclaim, in the
Italian language: "Ah, ah, Old England, I have thee fast."

As he walked up to the inn, followed by Maurice loaded with his
portmanteau, he congratulated himself upon his happy voyage, and the
peaceable possession of his spoil, and could not help snuffing up the
British air with marks of infinite relish and satisfaction.  His first
care was to recompense himself for the want of sleep he had undergone,
and, after he had sufficiently recruited himself with several hours of
uninterrupted repose, he set out in a post-chaise for Canterbury, where
he took a place in the London stage, which he was told would depart next
morning, the coach being already full.  On this very first day of his
arrival, he perceived between the English and the people among whom he
had hitherto lived, such essential difference in customs, appearance, and
way of living, as inspired him with high notions of that British freedom,
opulence, and convenience, on which he had often heard his mother
expatiate.  On the road, he feasted his eyesight with the verdant hills
covered with flocks of sheep, the fruitful vales parcelled out into
cultivated enclosures; the very cattle seemed to profit by the wealth of
their masters, being large, sturdy, and sleek, and every peasant breathed
the insolence of liberty and independence.  In a word, he viewed the
wide-extended plains of Kent with a lover's eye, and, his ambition
becoming romantic, could not help fancying himself another conqueror of
the isle.

He was not, however, long amused by these vain chimeras, which soon
vanished before other reflections of more importance and solidity.  His
imagination, it must be owned, was at all times too chaste to admit those
overweening hopes, which often mislead the mind of the projector.  He had
studied mankind with incredible diligence, and knew perfectly well how
far he could depend on the passions and foibles of human nature.  That he
might now act consistent with his former sagacity, he resolved to pass
himself upon his fellow-travellers for a French gentleman, equally a
stranger to the language and country of England, in order to glean from
their discourse such intelligence as might avail him in his future
operations; and his lacquey was tutored accordingly.




CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS FELLOW-TRAVELLERS.


Those who had taken places for the coach, understanding the sixth seat
was engaged by a foreigner, determined to profit by his ignorance; and,
with that politeness which is peculiar to this happy island, fixed
themselves in the vehicle, in such a manner, before he had the least
intimation of their design, that he found it barely practicable to
insinuate himself sidelong between a corpulent quaker and a fat Wapping
landlady, in which attitude he stuck fast, like a thin quarto between two
voluminous dictionaries on a bookseller's shelf.  And, as if the pain and
inconvenience of such compression was not sufficient matter of chagrin,
the greatest part of the company entertained themselves with laughing at
his ludicrous station.

The jolly dame at his left hand observed, with a loud exclamation of
mirth, that monsieur would be soon better acquainted with a buttock of
English beef; and said, by that time they should arrive at their
dining-place, he might be spitted without larding.  "Yes, verily,"
replied Obadiah, who was a wag in his way, "but the swine's fat will be
all on one side."--"So much the better for you," cried mine hostess, "for
that side is all your own."  The quaker was not so much disconcerted by
the quickness of this repartee, but that he answered with great
deliberation, "I thank thee for thy love, but will not profit by thy
loss, especially as I like not the savour of these outlandish fowls; they
are profane birds of passage, relished only by the children of vanity,
like thee."

The plump gentlewoman took umbrage at this last expression, which she
considered as a double reproach, and repeated the words, "Children of
vanity!" with an emphasis of resentment.  "I believe, if the truth were
known," said she, "there's more vanity than midriff in that great belly
of yours, for all your pretending to humility and religion.  Sirrah! my
corporation is made up of good, wholesome, English fat; but you are
puffed up with the wind of vanity and delusion; and when it begins to
gripe your entrails, you pretend to have a motion, and then get up and
preach nonsense.  Yet you'll take it upon you to call your betters
children.  Marry come up, Mr. Goosecap, I have got children that are as
good men as you, or any hypocritical trembler in England."

A person who sat opposite to the quaker, hearing this remonstrance, which
seemed pregnant with contention, interposed in the conversation with a
conscious leer, and begged there might be no rupture between the spirit
and the flesh.  By this remonstrance he relieved Obadiah from the satire
of this female orator, and brought the whole vengeance of her elocution
upon his own head.  "Flesh!" cried she, with all the ferocity of an
enraged Thalestris; "none of your names, Mr. Yellowchaps.  What! I
warrant you have an antipathy to flesh, because you yourself are nothing
but skin and bone.  I suppose you are some poor starved journeyman tailor
come from France, where you have been learning to cabbage, and have not
seen a good meal of victuals these seven years.  You have been living
upon rye-bread and soup-maigre, and now you come over like a walking
atomy with a rat's tail at your wig, and a tinsey jacket.  And so,
forsooth, you set up for a gentleman, and pretend to find fault with a
sirloin of roast beef."

The gentleman heard this address with admirable patience, and when she
had rung out her alarm, very coolly replied, "Anything but your stinking
fish madam.  Since when, I pray, have you travelled in stage-coaches, and
left off your old profession of crying oysters in winter, and rotten
mackerel in June?  You was then known by the name of Kate Brawn, and in
good repute among the ale-houses in Thames Street, till that unlucky
amour with the master of a corn-vessel, in which he was unfortunately
detected by his own spouse; but you seem to have risen by that fall; and
I wish you joy of your present plight.  Though, considering your
education on Bear Quay, you can give but a sorry account of yourself."

The Amazon, though neither exhausted nor dismayed, was really confounded
at the temper and assurance of this antagonist, who had gathered all
these anecdotes from the fertility of his own invention; after a short
pause, however, she poured forth a torrent of obloquy sufficient to
overwhelm any person who had not been used to take up arms against such
seas of trouble; and a dispute ensued, which would have not only
disgraced the best orators on the Thames, but even have made a figure in
the celebration of the Eleusinian mysteries, during which the Athenian
matrons rallied one another from different waggons, with that freedom of
altercation so happily preserved in this our age and country.

Such a redundancy of epithets, and variety of metaphors, tropes, and
figures were uttered between these well-matched opponents, that an epic
bard would have found his account in listening to the contest; which, in
all probability, would not have been confined to words, had it not been
interrupted for the sake of a young woman of an agreeable countenance and
modest carriage; who, being shocked at some of their flowers of speech,
and terrified by the menacing looks and gestures of the fiery-featured
dame, began to scream aloud, and beg leave to quit the coach.  Her
perturbation put an end to the high debate.  The sixth passenger, who had
not opened his mouth, endeavoured to comfort her with assurances of
protection; the quaker proposed a cessation of arms; the male disputant
acquiesced in the proposal, assuring the company he had entered the lists
for their entertainment only, without acquiring the least grudge or
ill-will to the fat gentlewoman, whom he protested he had never seen
before that day, and who, for aught he knew, was a person of credit and
reputation.  He then held forth his hand in token of amity, and asked
pardon of the offended party, who was appeased by his submission; and, in
testimony of her benevolence, presented to the other female, whom she had
discomposed, an Hungary-water bottle filled with cherry-brandy,
recommending it as a much more powerful remedy than the sal-volatile
which the other held to her nose.

Peace being thus re-established, in a treaty comprehending Obadiah and
all present, it will not be improper to give the reader some further
information, touching the several characters assembled in this vehicle.
The quaker was a London merchant, who had been at Deal superintending the
repairs of a ship which had suffered by a storm in the Downs.  The
Wapping landlady was on her return from the same place, where she had
attended the payment of a man-of-war, with sundry powers of attorney,
granted by the sailors, who had lived upon credit at her house.  Her
competitor in fame was a dealer in wine, a smuggler of French lace, and a
petty gamester just arrived from Paris, in the company of an English
barber, who sat on his right hand, and the young woman was daughter of a
country curate, in her way to London, where she was bound apprentice to a
milliner.

Hitherto Fathom had sat in silent astonishment at the manners of his
fellow-travellers, which far exceeded the notions he had preconceived of
English plainness and rusticity.  He found himself a monument of that
disregard and contempt which a stranger never fails to meet with from the
inhabitants of this island; and saw, with surprise, an agreeable young
creature sit as solitary and unheeded as himself.

He was, indeed, allured by the roses of her complexion, and the innocence
of her aspect, and began to repent of having pretended ignorance of the
language, by which he was restrained from exercising his eloquence upon
her heart; he resolved, however, to ingratiate himself, if possible, by
the courtesy and politeness of dumb show, and for that purpose put his
eyes in motion without farther delay.




CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

ANOTHER PROVIDENTIAL DELIVERANCE FROM THE EFFECTS OF THE SMUGGLER'S
INGENIOUS CONJECTURE.


During these deliberations, the wine merchant, with a view to make a
parade of his superior parts and breeding, as well as to pave the way for
a match at backgammon, made a tender of his snuff-box to our adventurer,
and asked, in bad French, how he travelled from Paris.  This question
produced a series of interrogations concerning the place of Ferdinand's
abode in that city, and his business in England, so that he was fain to
practise the science of defence, and answered with such ambiguity, as
aroused the suspicion of the smuggler, who began to believe our hero had
some very cogent reason for evading his curiosity; he immediately set his
reflection at work, and, after various conjectures, fixed upon Fathom's
being the Young Pretender.  Big with this supposition, he eyed him with
the most earnest attention, comparing his features with those of the
Chevalier's portrait which he had seen in France, and though the faces
were as unlike as any two human faces could be, found the resemblance so
striking as to dispel all his doubts, and persuade him to introduce the
stranger to some justice on the road; a step by which he would not only
manifest his zeal for the Protestant succession, but also acquire the
splendid reward proposed by parliament to any person who should apprehend
that famous adventurer.

These ideas intoxicated the brain of this man to such a pitch of
enthusiasm, that he actually believed himself in possession of the thirty
thousand pounds, and amused his fancy with a variety of magnificent
projects to be executed by means of that acquisition, until his reverie
was interrupted by the halting of the coach at the inn where the
passengers used to eat their breakfasts.  Waked as he was from the dream
of happiness, it had made such impression upon his mind, that, seeing
Fathom rise up with an intention to alight, he took it for granted his
design was to escape, and seizing him by the collar, called aloud for
assistance in the King's name.

Our hero, whose sagacity and presence of mind very often supplied the
place of courage, instead of being terrified at this assault, which might
have disturbed the tranquillity of an ordinary villain, was so perfectly
master of every circumstance of his own situation, as to know at once
that the aggressor could not possibly have the least cause of complaint
against him; and therefore, imputing this violence either to madness or
mistake, very deliberately suffered himself to be made prisoner by the
people of the house, who ran to the coach door in obedience to the
summons of the wine merchant.  The rest of the company were struck dumb
with surprise and consternation at this sudden adventure; and the quaker,
dreading some fell resistance on the side of the outlandish man, unpinned
the other coach door in the twinkling of an eye, and trundled himself
into the mud for safety.  The others, seeing the temper and resignation
of the prisoner, soon recovered their recollection, and began to inquire
into the cause of his arrest, upon which, the captor, whose teeth
chattered with terror and impatience, gave them to understand that he was
a state criminal, and demanded their help in conveying him to justice.

Luckily for both parties, there happened to be at the inn a company of
squires just returned from the death of a leash of hares, which they had
ordered to be dressed for dinner, and among these gentlemen was one of
the quorum, to whom the accuser had immediate recourse, marching before
the captive, who walked very peaceably between the landlord and one of
his waiters, and followed by a crowd of spectators, some of whom had
secured the faithful Maurice, who in his behaviour closely imitated the
deliberation of his master.  In this order did the procession advance to
the apartment in which the magistrate, with his fellows of the chase, sat
smoking his morning pipe over a tankard of strong ale, and the smuggler
being directed to the right person, "May it please your worship," said
he, "I have brought this foreigner before you, on a violent suspicion of
his being a proclaimed outlaw; and I desire, before these witnesses, that
my title may be made good to the reward that shall become due upon his
conviction."

"Friend," replied the justice, "I know nothing of you or your titles; but
this I know, if you have any information to give in, you must come to my
house when I am at home, and proceed in a lawful way, that is, d'ye mind
me, if you swear as how this here person is an outlaw; then if so be as
he has nothing to say to the contrary, my clerk shall make out a
mittimus, and so to jail with him till next 'size."  "But, sir," answered
the impeacher, "this is a case that admits of no delay; the person I have
apprehended is a prisoner of consequence to the state."  "How, fellor!"
cried the magistrate, interrupting him, "is there any person of more
consequence than one of his Majesty's justices of the peace, who is
besides a considerable member of the landed interest!  D'ye know, sirrah,
who you are talking to?  If you don't go about your business, I believe I
shall lay you by the heels."

The smuggler, fearing his prize would escape through the ignorance,
pride, and obstinacy of this country justice, approached his worship, and
in a whisper which was overheard by all the company, assured him he had
indubitable reason to believe the foreigner was no other than the
Pretender's eldest son.  At mention of this formidable name, every
individual of the audience started, with signs of terror and amazement.
The justice dropped his pipe, recoiled upon his chair, and, looking most
ridiculously aghast, exclaimed, "Seize him, in the name of God and his
Majesty King George!  Has he got no secret arms about him!"

Fathom being thus informed of the suspicion under which he stood, could
not help smiling at the eagerness with which the spectators flew upon
him, and suffered himself to be searched with great composure, well
knowing they would find no moveables about his person, but such as upon
examination would turn to his account; he therefore very calmly presented
to the magistrate his purse, and a small box that contained his jewels,
and in the French language desired they might be preserved from the hands
of the mob.  This request was interpreted by the accuser, who, at the
same time, laid claim to the booty.  The justice took charge of the
deposit, and one of his neighbours having undertaken the office of clerk,
he proceeded to the examination of the culprit, whose papers were by this
time laid on the table before him.  "Stranger," said he, "you stand
charged with being son of the Pretender to these realms; what have you to
say in your own defence?"  Our hero assured him, in the French language,
that he was falsely impeached, and demanded justice on the accuser, who,
without the least reason, had made such a malicious attack upon the life
and honour of an innocent gentleman.

The smuggler, instead of acting the part of a faithful interpreter, told
his worship, that the prisoner's answer was no more than a simple denial,
which every felon would make who had nothing else to plead in his own
behalf, and that this alone was a strong presumption of his guilt,
because, if he was not really the person they suspected him to be, the
thing would speak for itself, for, if he was not the Young Pretender, who
then was he?  This argument had great weight with the justice, who,
assuming a very important aspect, observed, "Very true, friend, if you
are not the Pretender, in the name of God, who are you?  One may see with
half an eye that he is no better than a promiscuous fellow."

Ferdinand now began to repent of having pretended ignorance of the
English language, as he found himself at the mercy of a rascal, who put a
false gloss upon all his words, and addressed himself to the audience
successively in French, High Dutch, Italian, and Hungarian Latin,
desiring to know if any person present understood any of these tongues,
that his answers might be honestly explained to the bench.  But he might
have accosted them in Chinese with the same success: there was not one
person present tolerably versed in his mother-tongue, much less
acquainted with any foreign language, except the wine merchant, who,
incensed at this appeal, which he considered as an affront to his
integrity, gave the judge to understand, that the delinquent, instead of
speaking to the purpose, contumaciously insulted his authority in sundry
foreign lingos, which he apprehended was an additional proof of his being
the Chevalier's son, inasmuch as no person would take the pains to learn
such a variety of gibberish, except with some sinister intent.

This annotation was not lost upon the squire, who was too jealous of the
honour of his office to overlook such a flagrant instance of contempt.
His eyes glistened, his cheeks were inflated with rage.  "The case is
plain," said he; "having nothing of signification to offer in his own
favour, he grows refractory, and abuses the court in his base Roman
Catholic jargon; but I'll let you know, for all you pretend to be a
prince, you are no better than an outlawed vagrant, and I'll show you
what a thing you are when you come in composition with an English
justice, like me, who have more than once extinguished myself in the
service of my country.  As nothing else accrues, your purse, black box,
and papers shall be sealed up before witnesses, and sent by express to
one of his Majesty's secretaries of state; and, as for yourself, I will
apply to the military at Canterbury, for a guard to conduct you to
London."

This was a very unwelcome declaration to our adventurer, who was on the
point of haranguing the justice and spectators in their own language,
when he was relieved from the necessity of taking that step by the
interposition of a young nobleman just arrived at the inn, who, being
informed of this strange examination, entered the court, and, at first
sight of the prisoner, assured the justice he was imposed upon; for that
he himself had often seen the Young Pretender in Paris, and that there
was no kind of resemblance between that adventurer and the person now
before him.  The accuser was not a little mortified at his lordship's
affirmation, which met with all due regard from the bench, though the
magistrate took notice, that, granting the prisoner was not the Young
Chevalier himself, it was highly probable he was an emissary of that
house, as he could give no satisfactory account of himself, and was
possessed of things of such value as no honest man could expose to the
accidents of the road.

Fathom, having thus found an interpreter, who signified to him, in the
French tongue, the doubts of the justice, told his lordship, that he
was a gentleman of a noble house in Germany, who, for certain reasons,
had come abroad incognito, with a view to see the world; and that,
although the letters they had seized would prove the truth of that
assertion, he should be loth to expose his private concerns to the
knowledge of strangers, if he could possibly be released without that
mortification.  The young nobleman explained his desire to the court;
but, his own curiosity being interested, observed, at the same time,
that the justice could not be said to have discharged the duties of his
station, until he should have examined every circumstance relating to the
prisoner.  Upon which remonstrance, he was requested by the bench to
peruse the papers, and accordingly communicated the substance of one
letter to this effect:--

"MY DEAR SON,--Though I am far from approving the rash step you have
taken in withdrawing yourself from your father's house, in order to avoid
an engagement which would have been equally honourable and advantageous
to your family, I cannot so far suppress my affection, as to bear the
thought of your undergoing those hardships which, for your disobedience,
you deserve to suffer.  I have therefore, without the knowledge of your
father, sent the bearer to attend you in your peregrinations; his
fidelity you know hath been tried in a long course of service, and I have
entrusted to his care, for your use, a purse of two hundred ducats, and a
box of jewels to the value of twice that sum, which, though not
sufficient to support an equipage suitable to your birth, will, at least
for some time, preserve you from the importunities of want.  When you are
dutiful enough to explain your designs and situation, you may expect
further indulgence from your tender and disconsolate mother,--
                                                COUNTESS OF FATHOM."

This letter, which, as well as the others, our hero had forged for the
purpose, effectually answered his intent, in throwing dust in the eyes
and understanding of the spectators, who now regarded the prisoner with
looks of respectful remorse, as a man of quality who had been falsely
accused.  His lordship, to make a parade of his own politeness and
importance, assured the bench, he was no stranger to the family of the
Fathoms, and, with a compliment, gave Ferdinand to understand he had
formerly seen him at Versailles.  There being no longer room for
suspicion, the justice ordered our adventurer to be set at liberty, and
even invited him to be seated, with an apology for the rude manner in
which he had been treated, owing to the misinformation of the accuser,
who was threatened with the stocks, for his malice and presumption.

But this was not the only triumph our hero obtained over the wine
merchant.  Maurice was no sooner unfettered, than, advancing into the
middle of the room, "My lord," said he, addressing himself in French to
his master's deliverer, "since you have been so generous as to protect a
noble stranger from the danger of such a false accusation, I hope you
will still lay an additional obligation upon the Count, by retorting the
vengeance of the law upon his perfidious accuser, whom I know to be a
trader in those articles of merchandise which are prohibited by the
ordinances of this nation.  I have seen him lately at Boulogne, and am
perfectly well acquainted with some persons who have supplied him with
French lace and embroidery; and, as a proof of what I allege, I desire
you will order him and this barber, who is his understrapper, to be
examined on the spot."

This charge, which was immediately explained to the bench, yielded
extraordinary satisfaction to the spectators, one of whom, being an
officer of the customs, forthwith began to exercise his function upon the
unlucky perruquier, who, being stripped of his upper garments, and even
of his shirt, appeared like the mummy of an Egyptian king, most curiously
rolled up in bandages of rich figured gold shalloon, that covered the
skirts of four embroidered waistcoats.  The merchant, seeing his
expectation so unhappily reversed, made an effort to retire with a most
rueful aspect, but was prevented by the officer, who demanded the
interposition of the civil power, that he might undergo the same
examination to which the other had been subjected.  He was accordingly
rifled without loss of time, and the inquiry proved well worth the care
of him who made it; for a considerable booty of the same sort of
merchandise was found in his boots, breeches, hat, and between the
buckram and lining of his surtout.  Yet, not contented with this prize,
the experienced spoiler proceeded to search his baggage, and, perceiving
a false bottom in his portmanteau, detected beneath it a valuable
accession to the plunder he had already obtained.




CHAPTER THIRTY

THE SINGULAR MANNER OF FATHOM'S ATTACK AND TRIUMPH OVER THE VIRTUE OF THE
FAIR ELENOR.


Proper cognisance being thus taken of these contraband effects, and the
informer furnished with a certificate, by which he was entitled to a
share of the seizure, the coachman summoned his passengers to the
carriage; the purse and jewels were restored to Count Fathom, who thanked
the justice, and his lordship in particular, for the candour and
hospitality with which he had been treated, and resumed his place in the
vehicle, amidst the congratulations of all his fellow-travellers, except
the two forlorn smugglers, who, instead of re-embarking in the coach,
thought proper to remain at the inn, with view to mitigate, if possible,
the severity of their misfortune.

Among those who felicitated Fathom upon the issue of this adventure, the
young maiden seemed to express the most sensible pleasure at that event.
The artful language of his eyes had raised in her breast certain
fluttering emotions, before she knew the value of her conquest; but now
that his rank and condition were discovered, these transports were
increased by the ideas of vanity and ambition, which are mingled with the
first seeds of every female constitution.  The belief of having
captivated the heart of a man who could raise her to the rank and dignity
of a countess, produced such agreeable sensations in her fancy, that her
eyes shone with unusual lustre, and a continual smile played in dimples
on her rosy cheeks; so that her attractions, though not powerful enough
to engage the affection, were yet sufficient to inflame the desire of our
adventurer, who very honestly marked her chastity for prey to his
voluptuous passion.  Had she been well seasoned with knowledge and
experience, and completely armed with caution against the artifice and
villany of man, her virtue might not have been able to withstand the
engines of such an assailant, considering the dangerous opportunities to
which she was necessarily exposed.  How easy then must his victory have
been over an innocent, unsuspecting country damsel, flushed with the
warmth of youth, and an utter stranger to the ways of life!

While Obadiah, therefore, and his plump companion, were engaged in
conversation, on the strange incidents which had passed, Fathom acted a
very expressive pantomime with this fair buxom nymph, who comprehended
his meaning with surprising facility, and was at so little pains to
conceal the pleasure she took in this kind of intercourse, that several
warm squeezes were interchanged between her and her lover, before they
arrived at Rochester, where they proposed to dine.  It was during this
period, he learned from the answers she made to the inquisitive quaker,
that her sole dependence was upon a relation, to whom she had a letter,
and that she was a perfect stranger in the great city; circumstances on
which he soon formed the project of her ruin.

Upon their arrival at the Black Bull, he for the first time found himself
alone with his Amanda, whose name was Elenor, their fellow-travellers
being elsewhere employed about their own concerns; and, unwilling to lose
the precious opportunity, he began to act the part of a very importunate
lover, which he conceived to be a proper sequel to the prelude which had
been performed in the coach.  The freedoms which she, out of pure
simplicity and good-humour, permitted him to take with her hand, and even
her rosy lips, encouraged him to practise other familiarities upon her
fair bosom, which scandalised her virtue so much, that, in spite of the
passion she had begun to indulge in his behalf, she rejected his advances
with all the marks of anger and disdain; and he found it necessary to
appease the storm he had raised, by the most respectful and submissive
demeanour; resolving to change his operations, and carry on his attacks,
so as to make her yield at discretion, without alarming her religion or
pride.  Accordingly, when the bill was called after dinner, he took
particular notice of her behaviour, and, perceiving her pull out a large
leathern purse that contained her money, reconnoitred the pocket in which
it was deposited, and, while they sat close to each other in the
carriage, conveyed it with admirable dexterity into an hole in the
cushion.  Whether the corpulent couple, who sat opposite to these lovers,
had entered into an amorous engagement at the inn, or were severally
induced by other motives, is uncertain; but sure it is, both left the
coach on that part of the road which lies nearest to Gravesend, and bade
adieu to the other pair, on pretence of having urgent business at that
place.

Ferdinand, not a little pleased at their departure, renewed his most
pathetic expressions of love, and sung several French songs on that
tender subject, which seemed to thrill to the soul of his beauteous
Helen.  While the driver halted at Dartford to water his horses, she was
smit with the appearance of some cheesecakes, which were presented by the
landlady of the house, and having bargained for two or three, put her
hand in her pocket, in order to pay for her purchase; but what was her
astonishment, when, after having rummaged her equipage, she understood
her whole fortune was lost!  This mishap was, by a loud shriek, announced
to our hero, who affected infinite amazement and concern; and no sooner
learned the cause of her affliction, than he presented her with his own
purse, from which he, in emphatic dumb show, begged she would indemnify
herself for the damage she had sustained.  Although this kind proffer was
some alleviation of her misfortunes, she did not fail to pour forth a
most piteous lamentation, importing that she had not only lost all her
money, amounting to five pounds, but also her letter of recommendation,
upon which she had altogether relied for present employment.

The vehicle was minutely searched from top to bottom, by herself and our
adventurer, assisted by Maurice and the coachman, who, finding their
inquiry ineffectual, did not scruple to declare his suspicion of the two
fat turtles who had deserted the coach in such an abrupt manner.  In a
word, he rendered this conjecture so plausible, by wresting the
circumstances of their behaviour and retreat, that poor Elenor implicitly
believed they were the thieves by whom she had suffered; and was
prevailed upon to accept the proffered assistance of the generous Count,
who, seeing her very much disordered by this mischance, insisted upon her
drinking a large glass of canary, to quiet the perturbation of her
spirits.  This is a season, which of all others is most propitious to the
attempts of an artful lover; and justifies the metaphorical maxim of
fishing in troubled waters.  There is an affinity and short transition
betwixt all the violent passions that agitate the human mind.  They are
all false perspectives, which, though they magnify, yet perplex and
render indistinct every object which they represent.  And flattery is
never so successfully administered, as to those who know they stand in
need of friendship, assent, and approbation.

The cordial she swallowed, far from calming, increased the disturbance of
her thoughts, and produced an intoxication; during which, she talked in
an incoherent strain, laughed and wept by turns, and acted other
extravagances, which are known to be symptoms of the hysterical
affection.  Fathom, though an utter stranger to the sentiments of honour,
pity, and remorse, would not perpetrate his vicious purpose, though
favoured by the delirium his villany had entailed upon this unfortunate
young maiden; because his appetite demanded a more perfect sacrifice than
that which she could yield in her present deplorable situation, when her
will must have been altogether unconcerned in his success.  Determined,
therefore, to make a conquest of her virtue, before he would take
possession of her person, he mimicked that compassion and benevolence
which his heart had never felt, and, when the coach arrived at London,
not only discharged what she owed for her place, but likewise procured
for her an apartment in the house to which he himself had been directed
for lodgings, and even hired a nurse to attend her during a severe fever,
which was the consequence of her disappointment and despondence.  Indeed,
she was supplied with all necessaries by the generosity of this noble
Count, who, for the interest of his passion, and the honour of his name,
was resolved to extend his charity to the last farthing of her own money,
which he had been wise enough to secure for this purpose.

Her youth soon got the better of her distemper, and when she understood
her obligations to the Count, who did not fail to attend her in person
with great tenderness, her heart, which had been before prepossessed in
his favour, now glowed with all the warmth of gratitude, esteem, and
affection.  She knew herself in a strange place, destitute of all
resource but in his generosity.  She loved his person, she was dazzled by
his rank; and he knew so well how to improve the opportunities and
advantages he derived from her unhappy situation, that he gradually
proceeded in sapping from one degree of intimacy to another, until all
the bulwarks of her chastity were undermined, and she submitted to his
desire; not with the reluctance of a vanquished people, but with all the
transports of a joyful city, that opens its gates to receive a darling
prince returned from conquest.  For by this time he had artfully
concentred and kindled up all the inflammable ingredients of her
constitution; and she now looked back upon the virtuous principles of her
education, as upon a disagreeable and tedious dream, from which she had
waked to the fruition of never-fading joy.




CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

HE BY ACCIDENT ENCOUNTERS HIS OLD FRIEND, WITH WHOM HE HOLDS A
CONFERENCE, AND RENEWS A TREATY.


Our hero, having thus provided himself with a proper subject for his
hours of dalliance, thought it was now high time to study the ground
which he had pitched upon for the scene of his exploits, and with that
view made several excursions to different parts of the town, where there
was aught of entertainment or instruction to be found.  Yet he always, on
these occasions, appeared in an obscure ordinary dress, in order to avoid
singularity, and never went twice to the same coffee-house, that his
person might not be afterwards known, in case he should shine forth to
the public in a superior sphere.  On his return from one of those
expeditions, while he was passing through Ludgate, his eyes were suddenly
encountered by the apparition of his old friend the Tyrolese, who,
perceiving himself fairly caught in the toil, made a virtue of necessity,
and, running up to our adventurer with an aspect of eagerness and joy,
clasped him in his arms, as some dear friend, whom he had casually found
after a most tedious and disagreeable separation.

Fathom, whose genius never failed him in such emergencies, far from
receiving these advances with the threats and reproaches which the other
had deserved at his hands, returned the salute with equal warmth, and was
really overjoyed at meeting with a person who might one way or other make
amends for the perfidy of his former conduct.  The Tyrolese, whose name
was Ratchcali, pleased with his reception, proposed they should adjourn
to the next tavern, in which they had no sooner taken possession of an
apartment, than he addressed himself to his old companion in these
words:--

"Mr. Fathom, by your frank and obliging manner of treating a man who hath
done you wrong, I am more and more confirmed in my opinion of your
sagacity, which I have often considered with admiration; I will not
therefore attempt to make an apology for my conduct at our last parting;
but only assure you that this meeting may turn out to our mutual
advantage, if we now re-enter into an unreserved union, the ties of which
we will soon find it our interest and inclination to preserve.  For my
own part, as my judgment is ripened by experience, so are my sentiments
changed since our last association.  I have seen many a rich harvest
lost, for want of a fellow-labourer in the vineyard; and I have more than
once fallen a sacrifice to a combination, which I could have resisted
with the help of one able auxiliary.  Indeed, I might prove what I allege
by mathematical demonstration; and I believe nobody will pretend to deny,
that two heads are better than one, in all cases that require discernment
and deliberation."

Ferdinand could not help owning the sanity of his observations, and
forthwith acquiesced in his proposal of the new alliance; desiring to
know the character in which he acted on the English stage, and the scheme
he would offer for their mutual emolument.  At the same time he resolved
within himself to keep such a strict eye over his future actions, as
would frustrate any design he might hereafter harbour, of repeating the
prank he had so successfully played upon him, in their journey from the
banks of the Rhine.

"Having quitted you at Bar-le-duc," resumed the Tyrolese, "I travelled
without ceasing, until I arrived at Frankfort upon the Maine, where I
assumed the character of a French chevalier, and struck some masterly
strokes, which you yourself would not have deemed unworthy of your
invention; and my success was the more agreeable, as my operations were
chiefly carried on against the enemies of our religion.  But my
prosperity was not of long duration.  Seeing they could not foil me at my
own weapons, they formed a damned conspiracy, by which I not only lost
all the fruits of my industry, but likewise ran the most imminent hazard
of my life.  I had ordered some of those jewels which I had borrowed of
my good friend Fathom to be new set in a fashionable taste, and soon
after had an opportunity to sell one of these, at a great advantage, to
one of the fraternity, who offered an extraordinary price for the stone,
on purpose to effect my ruin.  In less than four-and-twenty hours after
this bargain, I was arrested by the officers of justice upon the oath of
the purchaser, who undertook to prove me guilty of a fraud, in selling a
Saxon pebble for a real diamond; and this accusation was actually true;
for the change had been artfully put upon me by the jeweller, who was
himself engaged in the conspiracy.

"Had my conscience been clear of any other impeachment, perhaps I should
have rested my cause upon the equity and protection of the law; but I
foresaw that the trial would introduce an inquiry, to which I was not at
all ambitious of submitting, and therefore was fain to compromise the
affair, at the price of almost my whole fortune.  Yet this accommodation
was not made so secretly, but that my character was blasted, and my
credit overthrown; so that I was fain to relinquish my occasional
equipage, and hire myself as journeyman to a lapidary, an employment
which I had exercised in my youth.  In this obscure station, I laboured
with great assiduity, until I made myself perfect in the knowledge of
stones, as well as in the different methods of setting them off to the
best advantage; and having, by dint of industry and address, got
possession of a small parcel, set out for this kingdom, in which I
happily arrived about four months ago; and surely England is the paradise
of artists of our profession.

"One would imagine that nature had created the inhabitants for the
support and enjoyment of adventurers like you and me.  Not that these
islanders open the arms of hospitality to all foreigners without
distinction.  On the contrary, they inherit from their fathers an
unreasonable prejudice against all nations under the sun; and when an
Englishman happens to quarrel with a stranger, the first term of reproach
he uses is the name of his antagonist's country, characterised by some
opprobrious epithet, such as a chattering Frenchman, an Italian ape, a
German hog, and a beastly Dutchman; nay, their national prepossession is
maintained even against those people with whom they are united under the
same laws and government; for nothing is more common than to hear them
exclaim against their fellow-subjects, in the expressions of a beggarly
Scot, and an impudent Irish bog-trotter.  Yet this very prejudice will
never fail to turn to the account of every stranger possessed of ordinary
talents; for he will always find opportunities of conversing with them in
coffee-houses and places of public resort, in spite of their professed
reserve, which, by the bye, is so extraordinary, that I know some people
who have lived twenty years in the same house without exchanging one word
with their next-door neighbours; yet, provided he can talk sensibly, and
preserve the deportment of a sober gentleman, in those occasional
conversations, his behaviour will be the more remarkably pleasing, as it
will agreeably disappoint the expectation of the person who had
entertained notions to his prejudice.  When a foreigner has once crossed
this bar, which perpetually occurs, he sails without further difficulty
into the harbour of an Englishman's goodwill; for the pique is neither
personal nor rancorous, but rather contemptuous and national; so that,
while he despises a people in the lump, an individual of that very
community may be one of his chief favourites.

"The English are in general upright and honest, therefore unsuspecting
and credulous.  They are too much engrossed with their own business to
pry into the conduct of their neighbours, and too indifferent, in point
of disposition, to interest themselves in what they conceive to be
foreign to their own concerns.  They are wealthy and mercantile, of
consequence liberal and adventurous, and so well disposed to take a man's
own word for his importance, that they suffer themselves to be preyed
upon by such a bungling set of impostors, as would starve for lack of
address in any other country under the sun.  This being a true sketch of
the British character, so far as I have been able to observe and learn,
you will easily comprehend the profits that may be extracted from it, by
virtue of those arts by which you so eminently excel;--the great, the
unbounded prospect lies before me!  Indeed, I look upon this opulent
kingdom as a wide and fertile common, on which we adventurers may range
for prey, without let or molestation.  For so jealous are the natives of
their liberties, that they will not bear the restraint of necessary
police, and an able artist may enrich himself with their spoils, without
running any risk of attracting the magistrate, or incurring the least
penalty of the law.

"In a word, this metropolis is a vast masquerade, in which a man of
stratagem may wear a thousand different disguises, without danger of
detection.  There is a variety of shapes in which we the knights of
industry make our appearance in London.  One glides into a nobleman's
house in the capacity of a valet-de-chambre, and in a few months leads
the whole family by the nose.  Another exhibits himself to the public, as
an empiric or operator for the teeth; and by dint of assurance and
affidavits, bearing testimony to wonderful cures that never were
performed, whirls himself into his chariot, and lays the town under
contribution.  A third professes the composition of music, as well as the
performance, and by means of a few capriciosos on the violin, properly
introduced, wriggles himself into the management of private and public
concerts.  And a fourth breaks forth at once in all the splendour of a
gay equipage, under the title and denomination of a foreign count.  Not
to mention those inferior projectors, who assume the characters of
dancers, fencing-masters, and French ushers, or, by renouncing their
religion, seek to obtain a provision for life.

"Either of these parts will turn to the account of an able actor; and, as
you are equally qualified for all, you may choose that which is most
suitable to your own inclination.  Though, in my opinion, you was
designed by nature to shine in the great world, which, after all, is the
most ample field for men of genius; because the game is deeper, and
people of fashion being, for the most part, more ignorant, indolent,
vain, and capricious, than their inferiors, are of consequence more
easily deceived; besides, their morals sit generally so loose about them,
that, when a gentleman of our fraternity is discovered in the exercise of
his profession, their contempt of his skill is the only disgrace he
incurs."

Our hero was so well pleased with this picture, that he longed to peruse
the original, and, before these two friends parted, they settled all the
operations of the campaign.  Ratchcali, that same evening, hired
magnificent lodgings for Count Fathom, in the court end of the town, and
furnished his wardrobe and liveries from the spoils of Monmouth Street;
he likewise enlisted another footman and valet-de-chambre into his
service, and sent to the apartments divers large trunks, supposed to be
filled with the baggage of this foreign nobleman, though, in reality,
they contained little else than common lumber.

Next day, our adventurer took possession of his new habitation, after
having left to his friend and associate the task of dismissing the
unfortunate Elenor, who was so shocked at the unexpected message, that
she fainted away; and when she recovered the use of her senses so well as
to reflect upon her forlorn condition, she was seized with the most
violent transports of grief and dismay, by which her brain was disordered
to such a degree, that she grew furious and distracted, and was, by the
advice and assistance of the Tyrolese, conveyed into the hospital of
Bethlem; where we shall leave her for the present, happily bereft of her
reason.




CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

HE APPEARS IN THE GREAT WORLD WITH UNIVERSAL APPLAUSE AND ADMIRATION.


Meanwhile, Fathom and his engine were busied in completing his equipage,
so that in a few days he had procured a very gay chariot, adorned with
painting, gilding, and a coat of arms, according to his own fancy and
direction.  The first use he made of this vehicle was that of visiting
the young nobleman from whom he had received such important civilities on
the road, in consequence of an invitation at parting, by which he learned
his title and the place of his abode in London.

His lordship was not only pleased, but proud to see such a stranger at
his gate, and entertained him with excess of complaisance and
hospitality; insomuch that, by his means, our hero soon became acquainted
with the whole circle of polite company, by whom he was caressed for his
insinuating manners and agreeable conversation.  He had thought proper to
tell the nobleman, at their first interview in town, that his reasons for
concealing his knowledge of the English tongue were now removed, and that
he would no longer deny himself the pleasure of speaking a language which
had been always music to his ear.  He had also thanked his lordship for
his generous interposition at the inn, which was an instance of that
generosity and true politeness which are engrossed by the English people,
who leave nought to other nations but the mere shadow of these virtues.

A testimony like this, from the mouth of such a noble stranger, won the
heart of the peer, who professed a friendship for him on the spot, and
undertook to see justice done to his lacquey, who in a short time was
gratified with a share of the seizure which had been made upon his
information, amounting to fifty or sixty pounds.

Ferdinand put not forth the whole strength of his accomplishments at
once, but contrived to spring a new mine of qualification every day, to
the surprise and admiration of all his acquaintance.  He was gifted with
a sort of elocution, much more specious than solid, and spoke on every
subject that occurred in conversation with that familiarity and ease,
which, one would think, could only be acquired by long study and
application.  This plausibility and confidence are faculties really
inherited from nature, and effectually serve the possessor, in lieu of
that learning which is not to be obtained without infinite toil and
perseverance.  The most superficial tincture of the arts and sciences in
such a juggler, is sufficient to dazzle the understanding of half
mankind; and, if managed with circumspection, will enable him even to
spend his life among the literati, without once forfeiting the character
of a connoisseur.

Our hero was perfectly master of this legerdemain, which he carried to
such a pitch of assurance, as to declare, in the midst of a mathematical
assembly, that he intended to gratify the public with a full confutation
of Sir Isaac Newton's philosophy, to the nature of which he was as much a
stranger as the most savage Hottentot in Africa.  His pretensions to
profound and universal knowledge were supported not only by this kind of
presumption, but also by the facility with which he spoke so many
different languages, and the shrewd remarks he had made in the course of
his travels and observation.

Among politicians, he settled the balance of power upon a certain
footing, by dint of ingenious schemes, which he had contrived for the
welfare of Europe.  With officers, he reformed the art of war, with
improvements which had occurred to his reflection while he was engaged in
a military life.  He sometimes held forth upon painting, like a member of
the Dilettanti club.  The theory of music was a theme upon which he
seemed to expatiate with particular pleasure.  In the provinces of love
and gallantry, he was a perfect Oroondates.  He possessed a most
agreeable manner of telling entertaining stories, of which he had a large
collection; he sung with great melody and taste, and played upon the
violin with surprising execution.  To these qualifications let us add his
affability and pliant disposition, and then the reader will not wonder
that he was looked upon as the pattern of human perfection, and his
acquaintance courted accordingly.

While he thus captivated the favour and affection of the English
nobility, he did not neglect to take other measures in behalf of the
partnership to which he had subscribed.  The adventure with the two
squires at Paris had weakened his appetite for play, which was not at all
restored by the observations he had made in London, where the art of
gaming is reduced into a regular system, and its professors so laudably
devoted to the discharge of their functions, as to observe the most
temperate regimen, lest their invention should be impaired by the fatigue
of watching or exercise, and their ideas disturbed by the fumes of
indigestion.  No Indian Brachman could live more abstemious than two of
the pack, who hunted in couple, and kennelled in the upper apartments of
the hotel in which our adventurer lived.  They abstained from animal food
with the abhorrence of Pythagoreans, their drink was a pure simple
element, they were vomited once a week, took physic or a glyster every
third day, spent the forenoon in algebraical calculations, and slept from
four o'clock till midnight, that they might then take the field with that
cool serenity which is the effect of refreshment and repose.

These were terms upon which our hero would not risk his fortune; he was
too much addicted to pleasure to forego every other enjoyment but that of
amassing; and did not so much depend upon his dexterity in play as upon
his talent of insinuation, which, by this time, had succeeded so far
beyond his expectation, that he began to indulge the hope of enslaving
the heart of some rich heiress, whose fortune would at once raise him
above all dependence.  Indeed, no man ever set out with a fairer prospect
on such an expedition; for he had found means to render himself so
agreeable to the fair sex, that, like the boxes of the playhouse, during
the representation of a new performance, his company was often bespoke
for a series of weeks; and no lady, whether widow, wife, or maiden, ever
mentioned his name, without some epithet of esteem or affection; such as
the dear Count! the charming Man! the Nonpareil, or the Angel!

While he thus shone in the zenith of admiration, it is not to be doubted,
that he could have melted some wealthy dowager or opulent ward; but,
being an enemy to all precipitate engagements, he resolved to act with
great care and deliberation in an affair of such importance, especially
as he did not find himself hurried by the importunities of want; for,
since his arrival in England, he had rather increased than exhausted his
finances, by methods equally certain and secure.  In a word, he, with the
assistance of Ratchcali, carried on a traffic, which yielded great
profits, without subjecting the trader to the least loss or
inconvenience.  Fathom, for example, wore upon his finger a large
brilliant, which he played to such advantage one night, at a certain
nobleman's house, where he was prevailed upon to entertain the company
with a solo on the violin, that everybody present took notice of its
uncommon lustre, and it was handed about for the perusal of every
individual.  The water and the workmanship were universally admired; and
one among the rest having expressed a desire of knowing the value of such
a jewel, the Count seized that opportunity of entertaining them with a
learned disquisition into the nature of stones; this introduced the
history of the diamond in question, which he said had been purchased of
an Indian trader of Fort St. George, at an under price; so that the
present proprietor could afford to sell it at a very reasonable rate; and
concluded with telling the company, that, for his own part, he had been
importuned to wear it by the jeweller, who imagined it would have a
better chance for attracting a purchaser on his finger, than while it
remained in his own custody.

This declaration was no sooner made, than a certain lady of quality
bespoke the refuse of the jewel, and desired Ferdinand to send the owner
next day to her house, where he accordingly waited upon her ladyship with
the ring, for which he received one hundred and fifty guineas, two-thirds
of the sum being clear gain, and equally divided betwixt the associates.
Nor was this bargain such as reflected dishonour upon the lady's taste,
or could be productive of ill consequences to the merchant; for the
method of estimating diamonds is altogether arbitrary; and Ratchcali, who
was an exquisite lapidary, had set it in such a manner as would have
imposed upon any ordinary jeweller.  By these means of introduction, the
Tyrolese soon monopolised the custom of a great many noble families, upon
which he levied large contributions, without incurring the least
suspicion of deceit.  He every day, out of pure esteem and gratitude for
the honour of their commands, entertained them with the sight of some new
trinket, which he was never permitted to carry home unsold; and from the
profits of each job, a tax was raised for the benefit of our adventurer.

Yet his indultos were not confined to the article of jewels, which
constituted only one part of his revenue.  By the industry of his
understrapper, he procured a number of old crazy fiddles, which were
thrown aside as lumber; upon which he counterfeited the Cremona mark, and
otherwise cooked them up with great dexterity; so that, when he had
occasion to regale the lovers of music, he would send for one of these
vamped instruments, and extract from it such tones as quite ravished the
hearers; among whom there was always some conceited pretender, who spoke
in raptures of the violin, and gave our hero an opportunity of launching
out in its praise, and declaring it was the best Cremona he had ever
touched.  This encomium never failed to inflame the desires of the
audience, to some one of whom he was generous enough to part with it at
prime cost--that is, for twenty or thirty guineas clear profit; for he
was often able to oblige his friends in this manner, because, being an
eminent connoisseur, his countenance was solicited by all the musicians,
who wanted to dispose of such moveables.

Nor did he neglect the other resources of a skilful virtuoso.  Every
auction afforded some picture, in which, though it had been overlooked by
the ignorance of the times, he recognised the style of a great master,
and made a merit of recommending it to some noble friend.  This commerce
he likewise extended to medals, bronzes, busts, intaglios, and old china,
and kept divers artificers continually employed in making antiques for
the English nobility.  Thus he went on with such rapidity of success in
all his endeavours, that he himself was astonished at the infatuation he
had produced.  Nothing was so wretched among the productions of art, that
he could not impose upon the world as a capital performance; and so
fascinated were the eyes of his admirers, he could easily have persuaded
them that a barber's bason was an Etrurian patera, and the cover of a
copper pot no other than the shield of Ancus Martius.  In short, it was
become so fashionable to consult the Count in everything relating to
taste and politeness, that not a plan was drawn, not even a house
furnished, without his advice and approbation; nay, to such a degree did
his reputation in these matters excel, that a particular pattern of
paper-hangings was known by the name of Fathom; and his hall was every
morning crowded with upholsterers, and other tradesmen, who came, by
order of their employers, to learn his choice, and take his directions.

The character and influence he thus acquired, he took care to maintain
with the utmost assiduity and circumspection.  He never failed to appear
the chief personage at all public diversions and private assemblies, not
only in conversation and dress, but also in the article of dancing, in
which he outstripped all his fellows, as far as in every other genteel
accomplishment.




CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

HE ATTRACTS THE ENVY AND ILL OFFICES OF THE MINOR KNIGHTS OF HIS OWN
ORDER, OVER WHOM HE OBTAINS A COMPLETE VICTORY.


Such a pre-eminence could not be enjoyed without exciting the malevolence
of envy and detraction, in the propagation of which none were so
industrious as the brethren of his own order, who had, like him, made a
descent upon this island, and could not, without repining, see the whole
harvest in the hands of one man, who, with equal art and discretion,
avoided all intercourse with their society.  In vain they strove to
discover his pedigree, and detect the particular circumstances of his
life and conversation; all their inquiries were baffled by the obscurity
of his origin, and that solitary scheme which he had adopted in the
beginning of his career.  The whole fruit of their investigation amounted
to no more than a certainty that there was no family of any consideration
in Europe known by the denomination of Fathom; and this discovery they
did not fail to divulge for the benefit of our adventurer, who had by
this time taken such firm root in the favour of the great, as to set all
those little arts at defiance; and when the report reached his ear,
actually made his friends merry with the conjectures which had been
circulated at his expense.

His adversaries, finding themselves disappointed in this effort, held a
consultation to devise other measures against him, and came to a
resolution of ending him by the sword, or rather of expelling him from
the kingdom by the fear of death, which they hoped he had not courage
enough to resist, because his deportment had always been remarkably mild
and pacific.  It was upon this supposition that they left to the
determination of the dice the choice of the person who should execute
their plan; and the lot falling upon a Swiss, who, from the station of a
foot soldier in the Dutch service, out of which he had been drummed for
theft, had erected himself into the rank of a self-created chevalier,
this hero fortified himself with a double dose of brandy, and betook
himself to a certain noted coffee-house, with an intent to affront Count
Fathom in public.

He was lucky enough to find our adventurer sitting at a table in
conversation with some persons of the first rank; upon which he seated
himself in the next box, and after having intruded himself into their
discourse, which happened to turn upon the politics of some German
courts, "Count," said he to Ferdinand, in a very abrupt and disagreeable
manner of address, "I was last night in company with some gentlemen,
among whom a dispute happened about the place of your nativity; pray,
what country are you of?"  "Sir," answered the other, with great
politeness, "I at present have the honour to be of England."  "Oho!"
replied the chevalier, "I ask your pardon, that is to say, you are incog;
some people may find it convenient to keep themselves in that situation."
"True," said the Count, "but some people are too well known to enjoy that
privilege."  The Swiss being a little disconcerted at this repartee,
which extracted a smile from the audience, after some pause, observed,
that persons of a certain class had good reason to drop the remembrance
of what they have been; but a good citizen will not forget his country,
or former condition.  "And a bad citizen," said Fathom, "cannot, if he
would, provided he has met with his deserts; a sharper may as well forget
the shape of a die, or a discarded soldier the sound of a drum."

As the chevalier's character and story were not unknown, this application
raised an universal laugh at his expense, which provoked him to such a
degree, that, starting up, he swore Fathom could not have mentioned any
object in nature that he himself resembled so much as a drum, which was
exactly typified by his emptiness and sound, with this difference,
however, that a drum was never noisy till beaten, whereas the Count would
never be quiet, until he should have undergone the same discipline.  So
saying, he laid his hand upon his sword with a menacing look, and walked
out as if in expectation of being followed by our adventurer, who
suffered himself to be detained by the company, and very calmly took
notice, that his antagonist would not be ill pleased at their
interposition.  Perhaps he would not have comported himself with such
ease and deliberation, had not he made such remarks upon the disposition
of the chevalier, as convinced him of his own safety.  He had perceived a
perplexity and perturbation in the countenance of the Swiss, when he
first entered the coffee-room; his blunt and precipitate way of accosting
him seemed to denote confusion and compulsion; and, in the midst of his
ferocity, this accurate observer discerned the trepidation of fear.  By
the help of these signs, his sagacity soon comprehended the nature of his
schemes, and prepared accordingly for a formal defiance.

His conjecture was verified next morning by a visit from the chevalier,
who, taking it for granted that Fathom would not face an adversary in the
field, because he had not followed him from the coffee-house, went to his
lodgings with great confidence, and demanded to see the Count upon an
affair that would admit of no delay.  Maurice, according to his
instructions, told him that his master was gone out, but desired he would
have the goodness to repose himself in the parlour, till the Count's
return, which he expected every moment.  Ferdinand, who had taken post in
a proper place for observation, seeing his antagonist fairly admitted,
took the same road, and appearing before him, wrapped up in a long
Spanish cloak, desired to know what had procured him the honour of such
an early visit.  The Swiss, raising his voice to conceal his agitation,
explained his errand, in demanding reparation for the injury his honour
had sustained the preceding day, in that odious allusion to a scandalous
report which had been raised by the malice of his enemies; and insisted,
in a very imperious style, upon his attending him forthwith to the
nursery in Hyde Park.  "Have a little patience," said our adventurer with
great composure, "and I will do myself the pleasure to wait upon you in a
few moments."

With these words, he rang the bell, and, calling for a bason of water,
laid aside his cloak, and displayed himself in his shirt, with a sword in
his right hand, which was all over besmeared with recent blood, as if he
had just come from the slaughter of a foe.  This phenomenon made such an
impression upon the astonished chevalier, already discomposed by the
resolute behaviour of the Count, that he became jaundiced with terror and
dismay, and, while his teeth chattered in his head, told our hero he had
hoped, from his known politeness, to have found him ready to acknowledge
an injury which might have been the effect of anger or misapprehension,
in which case the affair might have been compromised to their mutual
satisfaction, without proceeding to those extremities which, among men of
honour, are always accounted the last resource.  To this representation
Ferdinand answered, that the affair had been of the chevalier's own
seeking, inasmuch as he had intruded himself into his company, and
treated him with the most insolent and unprovoked abuse, which plainly
flowed from a premeditated design against his honour and reputation; he,
therefore, far from being disposed to own himself in the wrong, would not
even accept of a public acknowledgment from him, the aggressor, whom he
looked upon as an infamous sharper, and was resolved to chastise
accordingly.

Here the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a person who was
brought to the door in a chair, and conducted into another apartment,
from which a message was brought to the Count, importing, that the
stranger desired to speak with him upon business of the last importance.
Fathom having chid the servant for admitting people without his order,
desired the Swiss to excuse him for a minute longer, and went in to the
next room, from whence the following dialogue was overheard by this
challenger:--"Count," said the stranger, "you are not ignorant of my
pretensions to the heart of that young lady, at whose house I met you
yesterday; therefore you cannot be surprised when I declare myself
displeased with your visits and behaviour to my mistress, and demand that
you will instantly promise to drop the correspondence."  "Else what
follows?" answered Ferdinand, with a cool and temperate voice.  "My
resentment and immediate defiance," replied the other; "for the only
alternative I propose is, to forego your design upon that lady, or to
decide our pretension by the sword."

Our hero, having expressed a regard for this visitant as the son of a
gentleman whom he honoured, was at the pains to represent the
unreasonableness of his demand, and the folly of his presumption; and
earnestly exhorted him to put the issue of his cause upon a more safe and
equitable footing.  But this admonition, instead of appeasing the wrath,
seemed to inflame the resentment of the opponent, who swore he would not
leave him until he should have accomplished the purport of his errand.
In vain our adventurer requested half an hour for the despatch of some
urgent business, in which he was engaged with a gentleman in the other
parlour.  This impetuous rival rejected all the terms he could propose,
and even challenged him to decide the controversy upon the spot; an
expedient to which the other having assented with reluctance, the door
was secured, the swords unsheathed, and a hot engagement ensued, to the
inexpressible pleasure of the Swiss, who did not doubt that he himself
would be screened from all danger by the event of this rencontre.
Nevertheless, his hope was disappointed in the defeat of the stranger,
who was quickly disarmed, in consequence of a wound through the
sword-arm; upon which occasion Fathom was heard to say, that, in
consideration of his youth and family, he had spared his life; but he
would not act with the same tenderness towards any other antagonist.  He
then bound up the limb he had disabled, conducted the vanquished party to
his chair, rejoined the chevalier with a serene countenance, and, asking
pardon for having detained him so long, proposed they should instantly
set out in a hackney-coach for the place of appointment.

The stratagem thus conducted, had all the success the inventor could
desire.  The fear of the Swiss had risen almost to an ecstasy before the
Count quitted the room; but after this sham battle, which had been
preconcerted betwixt our adventurer and his friend Ratchcali, the
chevalier's terrors were unspeakable.  He considered Fathom as a devil
incarnate, and went into the coach as a malefactor bound for Tyburn.  He
would have gladly compounded for the loss of a leg or arm, and
entertained some transient gleams of hope, that he should escape for half
a dozen flesh-wounds, which he would have willingly received as the price
of his presumption; but these hopes were banished by the remembrance of
that dreadful declaration which he had heard the Count make, after having
overcome his last adversary; and he continued under the power of the most
unsupportable panic, until the carriage halted at Hyde Park Corner, where
he crawled forth in a most piteous and lamentable condition; so that,
when they reached the spot, he was scarce able to stand.

Here he made an effort to speak, and propose an accommodation upon a new
plan, by which he promised to leave his cause to the arbitrement of those
gentlemen who were present at the rupture, and to ask pardon of the
Count, provided he should be found guilty of a trespass upon good
manners; but this proposal would not satisfy the implacable Ferdinand,
who, perceiving the agony of the Swiss, resolved to make the most of the
adventure, and giving him to understand he was not a man to be trifled
with, desired him to draw without further preamble.  Thus compelled, the
unfortunate gamester pulled off his coat, and, putting himself in a
posture, to use the words of Nym, "winked, and held out his cold iron."

Our adventurer, far from making a gentle use of the advantages he
possessed, fiercely attacked him, while he was incapable of making
resistance, and, aiming at a fleshy part, ran him through the arm and
outside of the shoulder at the very first pass.  The chevalier, already
stupefied with the horror of expectation, no sooner felt his adversary's
point in his body than he fell to the ground, and, concluding he was no
longer a man for this world, began to cross himself with great devotion;
while Fathom walked home deliberately, and in his way sent a couple of
chairmen to the assistance of the wounded knight.

This achievement, which could not be concealed from the knowledge of the
public, not only furnished the character of Fathom with fresh wreaths of
admiration and applause, but likewise effectually secured him from any
future attempts of his enemies, to whom the Swiss, for his own sake, had
communicated such terrible ideas of his valour, as overawed the whole
community.




CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

HE PERFORMS ANOTHER EXPLOIT, THAT CONVEYS A TRUE IDEA OF HIS GRATITUDE
AND HONOUR.


It was not long after this celebrated victory, that he was invited to
spend part of the summer at the house of a country gentleman, who lived
about one hundred miles from London, possessed of a very opulent fortune,
the greatest part of which was expended in acts of old English
hospitality.  He had met with our hero by accident at the table of a
certain great man, and was so struck with his manner and conversation, as
to desire his acquaintance, and cultivate his friendship; and he thought
himself extremely happy in having prevailed upon him to pass a few weeks
in his family.

Fathom, among his other observations, perceived that there was a domestic
uneasiness, occasioned by a very beautiful young creature about the age
of fifteen, who resided in the house under the title of the gentleman's
niece, though she was in reality his natural daughter, born before his
marriage.  This circumstance was not unknown to his lady, by whose
express approbation he had bestowed particular attention upon the
education of the child, whom we shall distinguish by the name of Celinda.
Their liberality in this particular had not been misapplied; for she not
only gave marks of uncommon capacity, but, as she grew up, became more
and more amiable in her person, and was now returned from the boarding
school, possessed of every accomplishment that could be acquired by one
of her age and opportunities.  These qualifications, which endeared her
to every other person, excited the jealousy and displeasure of her
supposed aunt, who could not bear to see her own children eclipsed by
this illegitimate daughter, whom she therefore discountenanced upon all
occasions, and exposed to such mortifications as would in all appearance
drive her from her father's house.  This persecuting spirit was very
disagreeable to the husband, who loved Celinda with a truly paternal
affection, and produced abundance of family disquiet; but being a man of
a peaceable and yielding disposition, he could not long maintain the
resolution he had taken in her favour, and therefore he ceased opposing
the malevolence of his wife.

In this unfortunate predicament stood the fair bastard, at the arrival of
our adventurer, who, being allured by her charms, apprised of her
situation at the same time, took the generous resolution to undermine her
innocence, that he might banquet his vicious appetite with the spoils of
her beauty.  Perhaps such a brutal design might not have entered his
imagination, if he had not observed, in the disposition of this hapless
maiden, certain peculiarities from which he derived the most confident
presages of success.  Besides a total want of experience, that left her
open and unguarded against the attacks of the other sex, she discovered a
remarkable spirit of credulity and superstitious fear, which had been
cherished by the conversation of her school-fellows.  She was
particularly fond of music, in which she had made some progress; but so
delicate was the texture of her nerves, that one day, while Fathom
entertained the company with a favourite air, she actually swooned with
pleasure.

Such sensibility, our projector well knew, must be diffused through all
the passions of her heart; he congratulated himself upon the sure
ascendency he had gained over her in this particular; and forthwith began
to execute the plan he had erected for her destruction.  That he might
the more effectually deceive the vigilance of her father's wife, he threw
such a dash of affectation in his complaisance towards Celinda, as could
not escape the notice of that prying matron, though it was not palpable
enough to disoblige the young lady herself, who could not so well
distinguish between overstrained courtesy and real good breeding.  This
behaviour screened him from the suspicion of the family, who considered
it as an effort of politeness, to cover his indifference and disgust for
the daughter of his friend, who had by this time given some reason to
believe she looked upon him with the eyes of affection; so that the
opportunities he enjoyed of conversing with her in private, were less
liable to intrusion or inquiry.  Indeed, from what I have already
observed, touching the sentiments of her stepdame, that lady, far from
taking measures for thwarting our hero's design, would have rejoiced at
the execution of it, and, had she been informed of his intent, might have
fallen upon some method to facilitate the enterprise; but, as he solely
depended upon his own talents, he never dreamed of soliciting such an
auxiliary.

Under cover of instructing and accomplishing her in the exercise of
music, he could not want occasions for promoting his aim; when, after
having soothed her sense of hearing, even to a degree of ravishment, so
as to extort from her an exclamation, importing, that he was surely
something supernatural! he never failed to whisper some insidious
compliment or tale of love, exquisitely suited to the emotions of her
soul.  Thus was her heart insensibly subdued; though more than half his
work was still undone; for, at all times, she disclosed such purity of
sentiment, such inviolable attachment to religion and virtue, and seemed
so averse to all sorts of inflammatory discourse, that he durst not
presume upon the footing he had gained in her affection, to explain the
baseness of his desire; he therefore applied to another of her passions,
that proved the bane of her virtue.  This was her timidity, which at
first being constitutional, was afterwards increased by the circumstances
of her education, and now aggravated by the artful conversation of
Fathom, which he chequered with dismal stories of omens, portents,
prophecies, and apparitions, delivered upon such unquestionable
testimony, and with such marks of conviction, as captivated the belief of
the devoted Celinda, and filled her imagination with unceasing terrors.

In vain she strove to dispel those frightful ideas, and avoid such topics
of discourse for the future.  The more she endeavoured to banish them,
the more troublesome they became; and such was her infatuation, that as
her terrors increased, her thirst after that sort of knowledge was
augmented.  Many sleepless nights did she pass amidst those horrors of
fancy, starting at every noise, and sweating with dreary apprehension,
yet ashamed to own her fears, or solicit the comfort of a bedfellow, lest
she should incur the ridicule and censure of her father's wife; and what
rendered this disposition the more irksome, was the solitary situation of
her chamber, that stood at the end of a long gallery scarce within
hearing of any other inhabited part of the house.

All these circumstances had been duly weighed by our projector, who,
having prepared Celinda for his purpose, stole at midnight from his
apartment, which was in another storey, and approaching her door, there
uttered a piteous groan; then softly retired to his bed, in full
confidence of seeing next day the effect of this operation.  Nor did his
arrow miss the mark.  Poor Celinda's countenance gave such indications of
melancholy and dismay, that he could not omit asking the cause of her
disquiet, and she, at his earnest request, was prevailed upon to
communicate the dreadful salutation of the preceding night, which she
considered as an omen of death to some person of the family, in all
probability to herself, as the groan seemed to issue from one corner of
her own apartment.  Our adventurer argued against this supposition, as
contradictory to the common observation of those supernatural warnings
which are not usually imparted to the person who is doomed to die, but to
some faithful friend, or trusty servant, particularly interested in the
event.  He therefore supposed, that the groans foreboded the death of my
lady, who seemed to be in a drooping state of health, and were, by her
genius, conveyed to the organs of Celinda, who was the chief sufferer by
her jealous and barbarous disposition; he likewise expressed an earnest
desire to be an ear-witness of such solemn communication, and, alleging
that it was highly improper for a young lady of her delicate feelings to
expose herself alone to such another dismal visitation, begged he might
be allowed to watch all night in her chamber, in order to defend her from
the shocking impressions of fear.

Though no person ever stood more in need of a companion or guard, and her
heart throbbed with transports of dismay at the prospect of night, she
rejected his proposal with due acknowledgment, and resolved to trust
solely to the protection of Heaven.  Not that she thought her innocence
or reputation could suffer by her compliance with his request; for,
hitherto, her heart was a stranger to those young desires which haunt the
fancy, and warm the breast of youth; so that, being ignorant of her
danger, she saw not the necessity of avoiding temptation; but she refused
to admit a man into her bedchamber, merely because it was a step
altogether opposite to the forms and decorum of life.  Nevertheless, far
from being discouraged by this repulse, he knew her fears would multiply
and reduce that reluctance, which, in order to weaken, he had recourse to
another piece of machinery, that operated powerfully in behalf of his
design.

Some years ago, a twelve-stringed instrument was contrived by a very
ingenious musician, by whom it was aptly entitled the "Harp of Aeolus,"
because, being properly applied to a stream of air, it produces a wild
irregular variety of harmonious sounds, that seem to be the effect of
enchantment, and wonderfully dispose the mind for the most romantic
situations.  Fathom, who was really a virtuoso in music, had brought one
of those new-fashioned guitars into the country, and as the effect of it
was still unknown in the family, he that night converted it to the
purposes of his amour, by fixing it in the casement of a window belonging
to the gallery, exposed to the west wind, which then blew in a gentle
breeze.  The strings no sooner felt the impression of the balmy zephyr,
than they began to pour forth a stream of melody more ravishingly
delightful than the song of Philomel, the warbling brook, and all the
concert of the wood.  The soft and tender notes of peace and love were
swelled up with the most delicate and insensible transition into a loud
hymn of triumph and exultation, joined by the deep-toned organ, and a
full choir of voices, which gradually decayed upon the ear, until it died
away in distant sound, as if a flight of angels had raised the song in
their ascent to heaven.  Yet the chords hardly ceased to vibrate after
the expiration of this overture, which ushered in a composition in the
same pathetic style; and this again was succeeded by a third, almost
without pause or intermission, as if the artist's hand had been
indefatigable, and the theme never to be exhausted.

His heart must be quite callous, and his ear lost to all distinction, who
could hear such harmony without emotion; how deeply, then, must it have
affected the delicate Celinda, whose sensations, naturally acute, were
whetted to a most painful keenness by her apprehension; who could have no
previous idea of such entertainment, and was credulous enough to believe
the most improbable tale of superstition!  She was overwhelmed with awful
terror, and, never doubting that the sounds were more than mortal,
recommended herself to the care of Providence in a succession of pious
ejaculations.

Our adventurer, having allowed some time for the effect of this
contrivance, repaired to her chamber door, and, in a whisper, conveyed
through the keyhole, asked if she was awake, begged pardon for such an
unseasonable visit, and desired to know her opinion of the strange music
which he then heard.  In spite of her notions of decency, she was glad of
his intrusion, and, being in no condition to observe punctilios, slipped
on a wrapper, opened the door, and, with a faltering voice, owned herself
frightened almost to distraction.  He pretended to console her with
reflections, importing, that she was in the hands of a benevolent Being,
who would not impose upon his creatures any task which they could not
bear; he insisted upon her returning to bed, and assured her he would not
stir from her chamber till day.  Thus comforted, she betook herself again
to rest, while he sat down in an elbow-chair at some distance from the
bedside, and, in a soft voice, began the conversation with her on the
subject of those visitations from above, which, though undertaken on
pretence of dissipating her fear and anxiety, was, in reality, calculated
for the purpose of augmenting both.

"That sweet air," said he, "seems designed for soothing the bodily
anguish of some saint in his last moments.  Hark! how it rises into a
more sprightly and elevated strain, as if it were an inspiriting
invitation to the realms of bliss!  Sure, he is now absolved from all the
misery of this life!  That full and glorious concert of voices and
celestial harps betoken his reception among the heavenly choir, who now
waft his soul to paradisian joys!  This is altogether great, solemn, and
amazing!  The clock strikes one, the symphony hath ceased!"

This was actually the case; for he had ordered Maurice to remove the
instrument at that hour, lest the sound of it should become too familiar,
and excite the curiosity of some undaunted domestic, who might frustrate
his scheme by discovering the apparatus.  As for poor Celinda, her fancy
was, by his music and discourse, worked up to the highest pitch of
enthusiastic terrors; the whole bed shook with her trepidation, the awful
silence that succeeded the supernatural music threw an additional damp
upon her spirits, and the artful Fathom affecting to snore at the same
time, she could no longer contain her horror, but called upon his name
with a fearful accent, and, having owned her present situation
insupportable, entreated him to draw near her bedside, that he might be
within touch on any emergency.

This was a welcome request to our adventurer, who, asking pardon for his
drowsiness, and taking his station on the side of her bed, exhorted her
to compose herself; then locking her hand fast in his own, was again
seized with such an inclination to sleep, that he gradually sunk down by
her side, and seemed to enjoy his repose in that attitude.  Meanwhile,
his tender-hearted mistress, that he might not suffer in his health by
his humanity and complaisance, covered him with the counterpane as he
slept, and suffered him to take his rest without interruption, till he
thought proper to start up suddenly with an exclamation of, "Heaven watch
over us!" and then asked, with symptoms of astonishment, if she had heard
nothing.  Such an abrupt address upon such an occasion, did not fail to
amaze and affright the gentle Celinda, who, unable to speak, sprung
towards her treacherous protector; and he, catching her in his arms, bade
her fear nothing, for he would, at the expense of his life, defend her
from all danger.

Having thus, by tampering with her weakness, conquered the first and
chief obstacles to his design, he, with great art and perseverance,
improved the intercourse to such a degree of intimacy, as could not but
be productive of all the consequences which he had foreseen.  The groans
and music were occasionally repeated, so as to alarm the whole family,
and inspire a thousand various conjectures.  He failed not to continue
his nocturnal visits and ghastly discourse, until his attendance became
so necessary to this unhappy maiden, that she durst not stay in her own
chamber without his company, nor even sleep, except in contact with her
betrayer.

Such a commerce between two such persons of a different sex could not
possibly be long carried on, without degenerating from the Platonic
system of sentimental love.  In her paroxysms of dismay, he did not
forget to breathe the soft inspirations of his passion, to which she
listened with more pleasure, as they diverted the gloomy ideas of her
fear; and by this time his extraordinary accomplishments had made a
conquest of her heart.  What therefore could be a more interesting
transition than that from the most uneasy to the most agreeable sensation
of the human breast?

This being the case, the reader will not wonder that a consummate
traitor, like Fathom, should triumph over the virtue of an artless,
innocent young creature, whose passions he had entirely under his
command.  The gradations towards vice are almost imperceptible, and an
experienced seducer can strew them with such enticing and agreeable
flowers, as will lead the young sinner on insensibly, even to the most
profligate stages of guilt.  All therefore that can be done by virtue,
unassisted with experience, is to avoid every trial with such a
formidable foe, by declining and discouraging the first advances towards
a particular correspondence with perfidious man, howsoever agreeable it
may seem to be.  For here is no security but in conscious weakness.

Fathom, though possessed of the spoils of poor Celinda's honour, did not
enjoy his success with tranquillity.  Reflection and remorse often
invaded her in the midst of their guilty pleasures, and embittered all
those moments they had dedicated to mutual bliss.  For the seeds of
virtue are seldom destroyed at once.  Even amidst the rank productions of
vice, they regerminate to a sort of imperfect vegetation, like some
scattered hyacinths shooting up among the weeds of a ruined garden, that
testify the former culture and amenity of the soil.  She sighed at the
sad remembrance of that virgin dignity which she had lost; she wept at
the prospect of that disgrace, mortification, and misery she should
undergo, when abandoned by this transient lover, and severely reproached
him for the arts he had used to shipwreck her innocence and peace.

Such expostulations are extremely unseasonable, when addressed to a man
well-nigh sated with the effects of his conquest.  They act like strong
blasts of wind applied to embers almost extinguished, which, instead of
reviving the flame, scatter and destroy every remaining particle of fire.
Our adventurer, in the midst of his peculiarities, had inconstancy in
common with the rest of his sex.  More than half cloyed with the
possession of Celinda, he could not fail to be disgusted with her
upbraidings; and had she not been the daughter of a gentleman whose
friendship he did not think it his interest to forfeit, he would have
dropped this correspondence, without reluctance or hesitation.  But, as
he had measures to keep with a family of such consequence, he constrained
his inclinations, so far as to counterfeit those raptures he no longer
felt, and found means to appease those intervening tumults of her grief.

Foreseeing, however, that it would not be always in his power to console
her on these terms, he resolved, if possible, to divide her affection,
which now glowed upon him too intensely; and, with that view, whenever
she complained of the vapours or dejection, he prescribed, and even
insisted upon her swallowing certain cordials of the most palatable
composition, without which he never travelled; and these produced such
agreeable reveries and flow of spirits, that she gradually became
enamoured of intoxication; while he encouraged the pernicious passion, by
expressing the most extravagant applause and admiration at the wild
irregular sallies it produced.  Without having first made this diversion,
he would have found it impracticable to leave the house with
tranquillity; but, when this bewitching philtre grew into an habit, her
attachment to Ferdinand was insensibly dissolved; she began to bear his
neglect with indifference, and, sequestering herself from the rest of the
family, used to solicit this new ally for consolation.

Having thus put the finishing stroke to the daughter's ruin, he took
leave of the father, with many acknowledgments and expressions of
gratitude for his hospitality and friendship, and, riding across the
country to Bristol, took up his habitation near the hot well, where he
stayed during the remaining part of the season.  As for the miserable
Celinda, she became more and more addicted to the vices in which she had
been initiated by his superlative perfidy and craft, until she was quite
abandoned by decency and caution.  Her father's heart was torn with
anguish, while his wife rejoiced in her fall; at length her ideas were
quite debased by her infirmity; she grew every day more and more sensual
and degenerate, and contracted an intimacy with one of the footmen, who
was kind enough to take her to wife, in hope of obtaining a good
settlement from his master; but, being disappointed in his aim, he
conducted her to London, where he made shift to insinuate himself into
another service, leaving her to the use, and partly the advantage, of her
own person, which was still uncommonly attractive.




CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

HE REPAIRS TO BRISTOL SPRING, WHERE HE REIGNS PARAMOUNT DURING THE WHOLE
SEASON.


We shall therefore leave her in this comfortable situation, and return to
our adventurer, whose appearance at Bristol was considered as a happy
omen by the proprietor of the hot well, and all the people who live by
the resort of company to that celebrated spring.  Nor were they deceived
in their prognostic.  Fathom, as usual, formed the nucleus or kernel of
the beau monde; and the season soon became so crowded, that many people
of fashion were obliged to quit the place for want of lodging.  Ferdinand
was the soul that animated the whole society.  He not only invented
parties of pleasure, but also, by his personal talents, rendered them
more agreeable.  In a word, he regulated their diversions, and the master
of the ceremonies never would allow the ball to be begun till the Count
was seated.

Having thus made himself the object of admiration and esteem, his advice
was an oracle, to which they had recourse in all doubtful cases of
punctilio or dispute, or even of medicine; for among his other
accomplishments, his discourse on that subject was so plausible, and well
adapted to the understanding of his hearers, that any person who had not
actually studied the medical art would have believed he was inspired by
the spirit of Aesculapius.  What contributed to the aggrandisement of his
character in this branch of knowledge, was a victory he obtained over an
old physician, who plied at the well, and had one day unfortunately begun
to harangue in the pump-room upon the nature of the Bristol water.  In
the course of this lecture he undertook to account for the warmth of the
fluid; and his ideas being perplexed with a great deal of reading, which
he had not been able to digest, his disquisition was so indistinct, and
his expression so obscure and unentertaining, that our hero seized the
opportunity of displaying his own erudition, by venturing to contradict
some circumstances of the doctor's hypothesis, and substituting a theory
of his own, which, as he had invented it for the purpose, was equally
amusing and chimerical.

He alleged, that fire was the sole vivifying principle that pervaded all
nature; that, as the heat of the sun concocted the juice of vegetables,
and ripened those fruits that grow upon the surface of this globe, there
was likewise an immense store of central fire reserved within the bowels
of the earth, not only for the generation of gems, fossils, and all the
purposes of the mineral world, but likewise for cherishing and keeping
alive those plants which would otherwise perish by the winter's cold.
The existence of such a fire he proved from the nature of all those
volcanoes, which in almost every corner of the earth are continually
vomiting up either flames or smoke.  "These," said he, "are the great
vents appointed by nature for the discharge of that rarefied air and
combustible matter, which, if confined, would burst the globe asunder;
but, besides the larger outlets, there are some small chimneys through
which part of the heat transpires; a vapour of that sort, I conceive,
must pass through the bed or channel of this spring, the waters of which,
accordingly retain a moderate warmth."

This account, which totally overthrew the other's doctrine, was so
extremely agreeable to the audience, that the testy doctor lost his
temper, and gave them to understand, without preamble, that he must be a
person wholly ignorant of natural philosophy, who could invent such a
ridiculous system, and they involved in worse than an Egyptian fog, that
could not at once discern its weakness and absurdity.  This declaration
introduced a dispute, which was unanimously determined in favour of our
adventurer.  On all such occasions the stream of prejudice runs against
the physician, even though his antagonist has nothing to recommend
himself to the favour of the spectators; and this decision depends upon
divers considerations.  In the first place, there is a continual war
carried on against the learned professions, by all those who, conscious
of their own ignorance, seek to level the reputation of their superiors
with their own.  Secondly, in all disputes upon physic that happen
betwixt a person who really understands the art, and an illiterate
pretender, the arguments of the first will seem obscure and
unintelligible to those who are unacquainted with the previous systems on
which they are built; while the other's theory, derived from common
notions, and superficial observation, will be more agreeable, because
better adapted to the comprehension of the hearers.  Thirdly, the
judgment of the multitude is apt to be biassed by that surprise which is
the effect of seeing an artist foiled at his own weapons, by one who
engages him only for amusement.

Fathom, besides these advantages, was blessed with a flow of language, an
elegant address, a polite and self-denying style of argumentation,
together with a temper not to be ruffled; so that the victory could not
long waver between him and the physician, to whom he was infinitely
superior in every acquisition but that of solid learning, of which the
judges had no idea.  This contest was not only glorious but profitable to
our adventurer, who grew into such request in his medical capacity, that
the poor doctor was utterly deserted by his patients, and Fathom's advice
solicited by every valetudinarian in the place; nor did he forfeit the
character he thus acquired by any miscarriages in his practice.  Being
but little conversant with the materia medica, the circle of his
prescriptions was very small; his chief study was to avoid all drugs of
rough operation and uncertain effect, and to administer such only as
should be agreeable to the palate, without doing violence to the
constitution.  Such a physician could not but be agreeable to people of
all dispositions; and, as most of the patients were in some shape
hypochondriac, the power of imagination, co-operating with his remedies,
often effected a cure.

On the whole, it became the fashion to consult the Count in all
distempers, and his reputation would have had its run, though the death
of every patient had given the lie to his pretensions.  But empty fame
was not the sole fruit of his success.  Though no person would presume to
affront this noble graduate with a fee, they did not fail to manifest
their gratitude by some more valuable present.  Every day some superb
piece of china, curious snuffbox, or jewel, was pressed upon him; so
that, at the end of the season, he could almost have furnished a toyshop
with the acknowledgments he had received.  Not only his avarice, but his
pleasure, was gratified in the course of his medical administration.  He
enjoyed free access, egress, and regress with all the females at the
well, and no matron scrupled to put her daughter under his care and
direction.  These opportunities could not be lost upon a man of his
intriguing genius; though he conducted his amours with such discretion,
that, during the whole season, no lady's character suffered on his
account, yet he was highly fortunate in his addresses, and we may venture
to affirm, that the reproach of barrenness was more than once removed by
the vigour of his endeavours.




CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

HE IS SMITTEN WITH THE CHARMS OF A FEMALE ADVENTURER, WHOSE ALLUREMENTS
SUBJECT HIM TO A NEW VICISSITUDE OF FORTUNE.


Among those who were distinguished by his gallantry was the young wife of
an old citizen of London, who had granted her permission to reside at the
hot well for the benefit of her health, under the eye and inspection of
his own sister, who was a maiden of fifty years.  The pupil, whose name
was Mrs. Trapwell, though low in stature, was finely shaped, her
countenance engaging, though her complexion was brown, her hair in colour
rivalled the raven's back, and her eyes emulated the lustre of the
diamond.  Fathom had been struck with her first appearance; but found it
impracticable to elude the vigilance of her duenna, so as to make a
declaration of his flame; until she herself, guessing the situation of
his thoughts, and not displeased with the discovery, thought proper to
furnish him with the opportunity he wanted, by counterfeiting an
indisposition, for the cure of which she knew his advice would be
implored.  This was the beginning of an acquaintance, which was soon
improved to his wish; and so well did she manage her attractions, as in
some measure to fix the inconstancy of his disposition; for, at the end
of the season, his passion was not sated; and they concerted the means of
continuing their commerce, even after their return to London.

This intercourse effectually answered the purpose of the husband, who had
been decoyed into matrimony by the cunning of his spouse, whom he had
privately kept as a concubine before marriage.  Conscious of her own
precarious situation, she had resolved to impose upon the infirmities of
Trapwell, and, feigning herself pregnant, gave him to understand she
could no longer conceal her condition from the knowledge of her brother,
who was an officer in the army, and of such violent passions, that,
should he once discover her backsliding, he would undoubtedly wipe away
the stains of his family dishonour with her own blood, as well as that of
her keeper.  The citizen, to prevent such a catastrophe, took her to
wife; but soon after perceiving the trick which had been played upon him,
set his invention at work, and at length contrived a scheme which he
thought would enable him, not only to retrieve his liberty, but also
indemnify himself for the mortification he had undergone.

Far from creating any domestic disturbance, by upbraiding her with her
finesse, he seemed perfectly well pleased with his acquisition; and, as
he knew her void of any principle, and extremely addicted to pleasure, he
chose proper occasions to insinuate, that she might gratify her own
inclination, and at the same time turn her beauty to good account.  She
joyfully listened to these remonstrances, and, in consequence of their
mutual agreement, she repaired to Bristol Spring, on pretence of an ill
state of health, accompanied by her sister-in-law, whom they did not
think proper to intrust with the real motive of her journey.  Fathom's
person was agreeable, and his finances supposed to be in flourishing
order; therefore, she selected him from the herd of gallants, as a proper
sacrifice to the powers which she adored; and, on her arrival in London,
made her husband acquainted with the importance of her conquest.

Trapwell overwhelmed her with caresses and praise for her discreet and
dutiful conduct, and faithfully promised that she should pocket in her
own privy purse one-half of the spoils that should be gathered from her
gallant, whom she therefore undertook to betray, after he had swore, in
the most solemn manner, that his intention was not to bring the affair to
a public trial, which would redound to his own disgrace, but to extort a
round sum of money from the Count, by way of composition.  Confiding in
this protestation, she in a few days gave him intelligence of an
assignation she had made with our adventurer, at a certain bagnio near
Covent Garden; upon which he secured the assistance of a particular
friend and his own journeyman, with whom, and a constable, he repaired to
the place of rendezvous, where he waited in an adjoining room, according
to the directions of his virtuous spouse, until she made the preconcerted
signal of hemming three times aloud, when he and his associates rushed
into the chamber and surprised our hero in bed with his inamorata.

The lady on this occasion acted her part to a miracle; she screamed at
their approach; and, after an exclamation of "Ruined and undone!"
fainted away in the arms of her spouse, who had by this time seized her
by the shoulders, and begun to upbraid her with her infidelity and guilt.
As for Fathom, his affliction was unutterable, when he found himself
discovered in that situation, and made prisoner by the two assistants,
who had pinioned him in such a manner, that he could not stir, much less
accomplish an escape.  All his ingenuity and presence of mind seemed to
forsake him in this emergency.  The horrors of an English jury overspread
his imagination; for he at once perceived that the toil into which he had
fallen was laid for the purpose; consequently he took it for granted that
there would be no deficiency in point of evidence.  Soon as he
recollected himself, he begged that no violence might be offered to his
person, and entreated the husband to favour him with a conference, in
which the affair might be compromised, without prejudice to the
reputation of either.

At first Trapwell breathed nothing but implacable revenge, but, by the
persuasion of his friends, after he had sent home his wife in a chair, he
was prevailed upon to hear the proposals of the delinquent, who having
assured him, by way of apology, that he had always believed the lady was
a widow, made him an offer of five hundred pounds, as an atonement for
the injury he had sustained.  This being a sum no ways adequate to the
expectation of the citizen, who looked upon the Count as possessor of an
immense estate, he rejected the terms with disdain, and made instant
application to a judge, from whom he obtained a warrant for securing his
person till the day of trial.  Indeed, in this case, money was but a
secondary consideration with Trapwell, whose chief aim was to be legally
divorced from a woman he detested.  Therefore there was no remedy for the
unhappy Count, who in vain offered to double the sum.  He found himself
reduced to the bitter alternative of procuring immediate bail, or going
directly to Newgate.

In this dilemma he sent a messenger to his friend Ratchcali, whose
countenance fell when he understood the Count's condition; nor would he
open his mouth in the style of consolation, until he had consulted a
certain solicitor of his acquaintance, who assured him the law abounded
with such resources as would infallibly screen the defendant, had the
fact been still more palpable than it was.  He said there was great
presumption to believe the Count had fallen a sacrifice to a conspiracy,
which by some means or other would be detected; and, in that case, the
plaintiff might obtain one shilling in lieu of damages.  If that
dependence should fail, he hinted that, in all probability, the witnesses
were not incorruptible; or, should they prove to be so, one man's oath
was as good as another's; and, thank Heaven, there was no dearth of
evidence, provided money could be found to answer the necessary
occasions.

Ratchcali, comforted by these insinuations, and dreading the resentment
of our adventurer, who, in his despair, might punish him severely for his
want of friendship, by some precipitate explanation of the commerce they
had carried on; moved, I say, by these considerations, and moreover
tempted with the prospect of continuing to reap the advantages resulting
from their conjunction, he and another person of credit with whom he
largely dealt in jewels, condescended to become sureties for the
appearance of Fathom, who was accordingly admitted to bail.  Not but that
the Tyrolese knew Ferdinand too well to confide in his parole.  He
depended chiefly upon his ideas of self-interest, which, he thought,
would persuade him to risk the uncertain issue of a trial, rather than
quit the field before the harvest was half over; and he was resolved to
make his own retreat without ceremony, should our hero be unwise enough
to abandon his bail.

Such an adventure could not long lie concealed from the notice of the
public, even if both parties had been at pains to suppress the
circumstances.  But the plaintiff, far from seeking to cover, affected to
complain loudly of his misfortune, that he might interest his neighbours
in his behalf, and raise a spirit of rancour and animosity, to influence
the jury against this insolent foreigner, who had come over into England
to debauch our wives and deflower our daughters; while he employed a
formidable band of lawyers to support the indictment, which he laid at
ten thousand pounds damages.

Meanwhile, Fathom and his associate did not fail to take all proper
measures for his defence; they retained a powerful bar of counsel, and
the solicitor was supplied with one hundred pounds after another, to
answer the expense of secret service; still assuring his clients that
everything was in an excellent train, and that his adversary would gain
nothing but shame and confusion of face.  Nevertheless, there was a
necessity for postponing the trial, on account of a material evidence,
who, though he wavered, was not yet quite brought over; and the attorney
found means to put off the decision from term to term, until there was no
quibble left for further delay.  While this suit was depending, our hero
continued to move in his usual sphere; nor did the report of his
situation at all operate to his disadvantage in the polite world; on the
contrary, it added a fresh plume to his character, in the eyes of all
those who were not before acquainted with the triumphs of his gallantry.
Notwithstanding this countenance of his friends, he himself considered
the affair in a very serious light; and perceiving that, at any rate, he
must be a considerable loser, he resolved to double his assiduity in
trade, that he might be the more able to afford the extraordinary expense
to which he was subjected.




CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

FRESH CAUSE FOR EXERTING HIS EQUANIMITY AND FORTITUDE.


The reader may have observed, that Fathom, with all his circumspection,
had a weak side, which exposed him to sundry mischances; this was his
covetousness, which on some occasions became too hard for his discretion.
At this period of time it was, by the circumstances of his situation,
inflamed to a degree of rapacity.  He was now prevailed upon to take a
hand at whist or piquet, and even to wield the hazard-box; though he had
hitherto declared himself an irreconcilable enemy to all sorts of play;
and so uncommon was his success and dexterity at these exercises, as to
surprise his acquaintance, and arouse the suspicion of some people, who
repined at his prosperity.

But in nothing was his conduct more inexcusable than in giving way to the
dangerous temerity of Ratchcali, which he had been always at pains to
restrain, and permitting him to practise the same fraud upon an English
nobleman, which had been executed upon himself at Frankfort.  In other
words, the Tyrolese, by the canal of Ferdinand's finger and
recommendation, sold a pebble for a real brilliant, and in a few days the
cheat was discovered, to the infinite confusion of our adventurer, who
nevertheless assumed the guise of innocence with so much art, and
expressed such indignation against the villain who had imposed upon his
judgment and unsuspecting generosity, that his lordship acquitted him of
any share in the deceit, and contented himself with the restitution,
which he insisted upon making out of his own pocket, until he should be
able to apprehend the rogue, who had thought proper to abscond for his
own safety.  In spite of all this exculpation, his character did not fail
to retain a sort of stigma, which indeed the plainest proofs of innocence
are hardly able to efface; and his connexion with such a palpable knave
as the Tyrolese appeared to be, had an effect to his prejudice in the
minds of all those who were privy to the occurrence.

When a man's reputation is once brought in question, every trifle is, by
the malevolence of mankind, magnified into a strong presumption against
the culprit.  A few whispers communicated by the envious mouth of
slander, which he can have no opportunity to answer and refute, shall, in
the opinion of the world, convict him of the most horrid crimes; and for
one hypocrite who is decked with the honours of virtue, there are twenty
good men who suffer the ignominy of vice; so well disposed are
individuals to trample upon the fame of their fellow-creatures.  If the
most unblemished merit is not protected from this injustice, it will not
be wondered at that no quarter was given to the character of an
adventurer like Fathom, who, among other unlucky occurrences, had the
misfortune to be recognised about this time by his two Parisian friends,
Sir Stentor Stile and Sir Giles Squirrel.

These worthy knights-errant had returned to their own country, after
having made a very prosperous campaign in France, at the end of which,
however, they very narrowly escaped the galleys; and seeing the Polish
Count seated at the head of taste and politeness, they immediately
circulated the story of his defeat at Paris, with many ludicrous
circumstances of their own invention, and did not scruple to affirm that
he was a rank impostor.  When the laugh is raised upon a great man, he
never fails to dwindle into contempt.  Ferdinand began to perceive a
change in the countenance of his friends.  His company was no longer
solicited with that eagerness which they had formerly expressed in his
behalf.  Even his entertainments were neglected; when he appeared at any
private or public assembly, the ladies, instead of glowing with pleasure,
as formerly, now tittered or regarded him with looks of disdain; and a
certain pert, little, forward coquette, with a view to put him out of
countenance, by raising the laugh at his expense, asked him one night, at
a drum, when he had heard from his relations in Poland?  She succeeded in
her design upon the mirth of the audience, but was disappointed in the
other part of her aim; for our hero replied, without the least mark of
discomposure, "They are all in good health at your service, madam; I wish
I knew in what part of the world your relations reside, that I might
return the compliment."  By this answer, which was the more severe, as
the young lady was of very doubtful extraction, he retorted the laugh
upon the aggressor, though he likewise failed in his attempt upon her
temper; for she was perhaps the only person present who equalled himself
in stability of countenance.

Notwithstanding this appearance of unconcern, he was deeply touched with
these marks of alienation in the behaviour of his friends, and,
foreseeing in his own disgrace the total shipwreck of his fortune, he
entered into a melancholy deliberation with himself about the means of
retrieving his importance in the beau monde, or of turning his address
into some other channel, where he could stand upon a less slippery
foundation.  In this exercise of his thoughts, no scheme occurred more
feasible than that of securing the booty he had made, and retiring with
his associate, who was also blown, into some other country, where their
names and characters being unknown, they might pursue their old plan of
commerce without molestation.  He imparted this suggestion to the
Tyrolese, who approved the proposal of decamping, though he combated with
all his might our hero's inclination to withdraw himself before the
trial, by repeating the assurances of the solicitor, who told him he
might depend upon being reimbursed by the sentence of the court for great
part of the sums he had expended in the course of the prosecution.

Fathom suffered himself to be persuaded by these arguments, supported
with the desire of making an honourable retreat, and, waiting patiently
for the day of trouble, discharged his sureties, by a personal appearance
in court.  Yet this was not the only score he discharged that morning;
the solicitor presented his own bill before they set out for Westminster
Hall, and gave the Count to understand that it was the custom, from time
immemorial, for the client to clear with his attorney before trial.
Ferdinand had nothing to object against this established rule, though he
looked upon it as a bad omen, in spite of all the solicitor's confidence
and protestations; and he was not a little confounded, when, looking into
the contents, he found himself charged with 350 attendances.  He knew it
was not his interest to disoblige his lawyer at such a juncture;
nevertheless, he could not help expostulating with him on this article,
which seemed to be so falsely stated with regard to the number; when his
questions drew on an explanation, by which he found he had incurred the
penalty of three shillings and fourpence for every time he chanced to
meet the conscientious attorney, either in the park, the coffee-house, or
the street, provided they had exchanged the common salutation; and he had
good reason to believe the solicitor had often thrown himself in his way,
with a view to swell this item of his account.

With this extortion our adventurer was fain to comply, because he lay at
the mercy of the caitiff; accordingly, he with a good grace paid the
demand, which, including his former disbursements, amounted to three
hundred and sixty-five pounds eleven shillings and threepence three
farthings, and then presenting himself before the judge, quietly
submitted to the laws of the realm.  His counsel behaved like men of
consummate abilities in their profession; they exerted themselves with
equal industry, eloquence, and erudition, in their endeavours to perplex
the truth, browbeat the evidence, puzzle the judge, and mislead the jury;
but the defendant found himself wofully disappointed in the deposition of
Trapwell's journeyman, whom the solicitor pretended to have converted to
his interest.  This witness, as the attorney afterwards declared, played
booty, and the facts came out so clear, that Ferdinand Count Fathom was
convicted of criminal conversation with the plaintiff's wife, and cast in
fifteen hundred pounds, under the denomination of damages.

He was not so much surprised as afflicted at this decision, because he
saw it gradually approaching from the examination of the first evidence.
His thoughts were now employed in casting about for some method of
deliverance from the snare in which he found himself entangled.  To
escape, he foresaw it would be impracticable, as Trapwell would
undoubtedly be prepared for arresting him before he could quit
Westminster Hall; he was too well acquainted with Ratchcali's principles,
to expect any assistance from that quarter in money matters; and he was
utterly averse to the payment of the sum awarded against him, which would
have exhausted his whole fortune.  He therefore resolved to try the
friendship of some persons of fashion, with whom he had maintained an
intimacy of correspondence.  Should they fail him in the day of his
necessity, he proposed to have recourse to his former sureties, one of
whom he meant to bilk, while the other might accompany him in his
retreat; or, should both these expedients miscarry, he determined, rather
than part with his effects, to undergo the most disagreeable confinement,
in hope of obtaining the jailor's connivance at his escape.

These resolutions being taken, he met his fate with great fortitude and
equanimity, and calmly suffered himself to be conveyed to the house of a
sheriff's officer, who, as he made his exit from the hall, according to
his own expectation, executed a writ against him, at the suit of
Trapwell, for a debt of two thousand pounds.  To this place he was
followed by his solicitor, who was allured by the prospect of another
job, and who, with great demonstrations of satisfaction, congratulated
him upon the happy issue of the trial; arrogating to himself the merit of
having saved him eight thousand pounds in the article of damages, by the
previous steps he had taken, and the noble defence that he and his
friends the counsel had made for their client; he even hinted an
expectation of receiving a gratuity for his extraordinary care and
discretion.

Fathom, galled as he was with his misfortune, and enraged at the
effrontery of this pettifogger, maintained a serenity of countenance, and
sent the attorney with a message to the plaintiff, importing, that, as he
was a foreigner, and could not be supposed to have so much cash about
him, as to spare fifteen hundred pounds from the funds of his ordinary
expense, he would grant him a bond payable in two months, during which
period he should be able to procure a proper remittance from his own
estate.  While the solicitor was employed in this negotiation, he
despatched his valet-de-chambre to one nobleman, and Maurice to another,
with billets, signifying the nature of the verdict which his adversary
had obtained, and desiring that each would lend him a thousand pounds
upon his parole, until he could negotiate bills upon the Continent.

His three messengers returned almost at the same instant of time, and
these were the answers they brought back.

Trapwell absolutely rejected his personal security; and threatened him
with all the horrors of a jail, unless he would immediately discharge the
debt, or procure sufficient bondsmen; and one of his quality friends
favoured him with this reply to his request:--

"MY DEAR COUNT!--I am mortally chagrined at the triumph you have
furnished to that rascally citizen.  By the lard! the judge must have
been in the terrors of cuckoldom, to influence the decision; and the jury
a mere herd of horned beasts, to bring in such a barbarous verdict.
Egad! at this rate, no gentleman will be able to lie with another man's
wife, but at the risk of a cursed prosecution.  But to waive this
disagreeable circumstance, which you must strive to forget; I declare my
mortification is still the greater, because I cannot at present supply
you with the trifle your present exigency requires; for, to tell you a
secret, my own finances are in damnable confusion.  But a man of Count
Fathom's figure and address can never be puzzled for the want of such a
paltry sum.  Adieu, my dear Count! we shall, I suppose, have the pleasure
of seeing you to-morrow at White's: meanwhile, I have the honour to be,
with the most perfect attachment, yours,             GRIZZLEGRIN."

The other noble peer, to whom he addressed himself on this occasion,
cherished the same sentiments of virtue, friendship, and generosity; but
his expression was so different, that we shall, for the edification of
the reader, transcribe his letter in his own words:--

"SIR,--I was never more astonished than at the receipt of your very
extraordinary billet, wherein you solicit the loan of a thousand pounds,
which you desire may be sent with the bearer on the faith of your parole.
Sir, I have no money to send you or lend you; and cannot help repeating
my expressions of surprise at your confidence in making such a strange
and unwarranted demand.  'Tis true, I may have made professions of
friendship, while I looked upon you as a person of honour and good
morals; but now that you are convicted of such a flagrant violation of
the laws of that kingdom where you have been treated with such
hospitality and respect, I think myself fully absolved from any such
conditional promise, which indeed is never interpreted into any other
than a bare compliment.  I am sorry you have involved your character and
fortune in such a disagreeable affair, and am, Sir, yours, etc.
                                                       TROMPINGTON."

Ferdinand was not such a novice in the world as to be disappointed at
these repulses; especially as he had laid very little stress upon the
application, which was made by way of an experiment upon the gratitude or
caprice of those two noblemen, whom he had actually more than once
obliged with the same sort of assistance which he now solicited, though
not to such a considerable amount.

Having nothing further to expect from the fashionable world, he sent the
Tyrolese to the person who had been bail for his appearance, with full
instructions to explain his present occasion in the most favourable
light, and desire he would reinforce the credit of the Count with his
security; but that gentleman, though he placed the most perfect
confidence on the honour of our hero, and would have willingly entered
into bonds again for his personal appearance, was not quite so well
satisfied of his circumstances, as to become liable for the payment of
two thousand pounds, an expense which, in his opinion, the finances of no
foreign Count were able to defray.  He therefore lent a deaf ear to the
most pressing remonstrances of the ambassador, who had recourse to
several other merchants, with the same bad success; so that the prisoner,
despairing of bail, endeavoured to persuade Ratchcali, that it would be
his interest to contribute a thousand pounds towards his discharge, that
he might be enabled to quit England with a good grace, and execute his
part of the plan they had projected.

So powerful was his eloquence on the occasion, and such strength of
argument did he use, that even the Tyrolese seemed convinced, though
reluctantly, and agreed to advance the necessary sum upon the bond and
judgment of our adventurer, who, being disabled from transacting his own
affairs in person, was obliged to intrust Ratchcali with his keys,
papers, and power of attorney, under the check and inspection of his
faithful Maurice and the solicitor, whose fidelity he bespoke with the
promise of an ample recompense.




CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

THE BITER IS BIT.


Yet, he had no sooner committed his effects to the care of this
triumvirate, than his fancy was visited with direful warnings, which
produced cold sweats and palpitations, and threw him into such agonies of
apprehension as he had never known before.  He remembered the former
desertion of the Tyrolese, the recent villany of the solicitor, and
recollected the remarks he had made upon the disposition and character of
his valet, which evinced him a fit companion for the other two.

Alarmed at these reflections, he entreated the bailiff to indulge him
with a visit to his own lodgings, and even offered one hundred guineas as
a gratification for his compliance.  But the officer, who had formerly
lost a considerable sum by the escape of a prisoner, would not run any
risk in an affair of such consequence, and our hero was obliged to submit
to the tortures of his own presaging fears.  After he had waited five
hours in the most racking impatience, he saw the attorney enter with all
the marks of hurry, fatigue, and consternation, and heard him exclaim,
"Good God, have you seen the gentleman?"

Fathom found his fears realised in this interrogation, to which he
answered in a tone of horror and dismay, "What gentleman?  I suppose I am
robbed.  Speak, and keep me no longer in suspense."  "Robbed!" cried the
attorney, "the Lord forbid!  I hope you can depend upon the person you
empowered to receive your jewels and cash?  I must own his proceedings
are a little extraordinary; for after he had rummaged your scrutoire,
from which, in presence of me and your servant, he took one hundred and
fifty guineas, a parcel of diamond rings and buckles, according to this
here inventory, which I wrote with my own hand, and East India bonds to
the tune of five hundred more, we adjourned to Garraway's, where he left
me alone, under pretence of going to a broker of his acquaintance who
lived in the neighbourhood, while the valet, as I imagined, waited for us
in the alley.  Well, sir, he stayed so long, that I began to be uneasy,
and at length resolved to send the servant in quest of him, but when I
went out for that purpose, deuce a servant was to be found; though I in
person inquired for him at every alehouse within half a mile of the
place.  I then despatched no less than five ticket porters upon the scent
after them, and I myself, by a direction from the bar-keeper, went to
Signior Ratchcali's lodgings, where, as they told me, he had not been
seen since nine o'clock in the morning.  Upon this intimation, I came
directly hither, to give you timely notice, that you may without delay
take measures for your own security.  The best thing you can do, is to
take out writs for apprehending him, in the counties of Middlesex,
Surrey, Kent, and Essex, and I shall put them in the hands of trusty and
diligent officers, who will soon ferret him out of his lurking-place,
provided he skulks within ten miles of the bills of mortality.  To be
sure, the job will be expensive; and all these runners must be paid
beforehand.  But what then? the defendant is worth powder, and if we can
once secure him, I'll warrant the prosecution will quit cost."

Fathom was almost choked with concern and resentment at the news of this
mischance, so that he could not utter one word until this narrative was
finished.  Nor was his suspicion confined to the Tyrolese and his own
lacquey; he considered the solicitor as their accomplice and director,
and was so much provoked at the latter part of his harangue, that his
discretion seemed to vanish, and, collaring the attorney, "Villain!" said
he, "you yourself have been a principal actor in this robbery."  Then
turning to the bystanders, "and I desire in the King's name that he may
be secured, until I can make oath before a magistrate in support of the
charge.  If you refuse your assistance in detaining him, I will make
immediate application to one of the secretaries of state, who is my
particular friend, and he will see justice done to all parties."

At mention of this formidable name, the bailiff and his whole family were
in commotion, to obstruct the retreat of the lawyer, who stood aghast and
trembled under the grasp of our adventurer.  But, soon as he found
himself delivered from this embrace, by the interposition of the
spectators, and collected his spirits, which had been suddenly dissipated
by Fathom's unexpected assault, he began to display one art of his
occupation, which he always reserved for extraordinary occasions.  This
was the talent of abuse, which he poured forth with such fluency of
opprobrious language, that our hero, smarting as he was, and almost
desperate with his loss, deviated from that temperance of behaviour which
he had hitherto preserved, and snatching up the poker, with one stroke
opened a deep trench upon the attorney's skull, that extended from the
hind head almost to the upper part of the nose, upon each side of which
it discharged a sanguine stream.  Notwithstanding the pain of this
application, the solicitor was transported with joy at the sense of the
smart, and inwardly congratulated himself upon the appearance of his own
blood, which he no sooner perceived, than he exclaimed, "I'm a dead man,"
and fell upon the floor at full length.

Immediate recourse was had to a surgeon in the neighbourhood, who, having
examined the wound, declared there was a dangerous depression of the
first table of the skull, and that, if he could save the patient's life
without the application of the trepan, it would be one of the greatest
cures that ever were performed.  By this time, Fathom's first transport
being overblown, he summoned up his whole resolution, and reflected upon
his own ruin with that fortitude which had never failed him in the
emergencies of his fate.  Little disturbed at the prognostic of the
surgeon, which he considered in the right point of view; "Sir," said he,
"I am not so unacquainted with the resistance of an attorney's skull, as
to believe the chastisement I have bestowed on him will at all endanger
his life, which is in much greater jeopardy from the hands of the common
executioner.  For, notwithstanding this accident, I am determined to
prosecute the rascal for robbery with the utmost severity of the law;
and, that I may have a sufficient fund left for that prosecution, I shall
not at present throw away one farthing in unnecessary expense, but insist
upon being conveyed to prison without farther delay."

This declaration was equally unwelcome to the bailiff, surgeon, and
solicitor, who, upon the supposition that the Count was a person of
fortune, and would rather part with an immense sum than incur the
ignominy of a jail, or involve himself in another disgraceful lawsuit,
had resolved to fleece him to the utmost of their power.  But, now the
attorney finding him determined to set his fate at defiance, and to
retort upon him a prosecution, which he had no design to undergo, began
to repent heartily of the provocation he had given, and to think
seriously on some method to overcome the obstinacy of the incensed
foreigner.  With this view, while the bailiff conducted him to bed in
another apartment, he desired the catchpole to act the part of mediator
between him and the Count, and furnished him with proper instructions for
that purpose.  Accordingly the landlord, on his return, told Fathom that
he was sure the solicitor was not a man for this world; for that he had
left him deprived of his senses, and praying to God with great devotion
for mercy to his murderer.  He then exhorted him, with many protestations
of friendship, to compromise the unhappy affair by exchanging releases
with the attorney before his delirium should be known, otherwise he would
bring himself into a most dangerous premunire, whether the plaintiff
should die of his wound, or live to prosecute him for assault.  "And with
regard to your charge of robbery against him," said he, "as it is no more
than a base suspicion, unsupported by the least shadow of evidence, the
bill would be thrown out, and then he might sue you for damages.  I
therefore, out of pure friendship and good-nature, advise you to
compromise the affair, and, if you think proper, will endeavour to bring
about a mutual release."

Our hero, whose passion was by this time pretty well cooled, saw reason
for assenting to the proposal; upon which the deed was immediately
executed, the mediator's bill was discharged, and Ferdinand conveyed in
an hackney-coach to prison, after he had empowered his own landlord to
discharge his servants, and convert his effects into ready money.  Thus,
he saw himself, in the course of a few hours, deprived of his reputation,
rank, liberty, and friends; and his fortune reduced from two thousand
pounds to something less than two hundred, fifty of which he had carried
to jail in his pocket.


END OF VOL. I.










End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Adventures of Ferdinand Count
Fathom, Part I., by Tobias Smollett

*** 