Read the following excerpt from a student essay. How can the writer best improve his or her organization?
Many students, parents, and teachers cringe at the idea of sending kids to school year-round, but it would improve academic performance. Lengthy summer vacations were not established to accommodate farming schedules, as most people assume; they were started so that wealthy families could leave the city in the hot summer months and vacation in the country. Studies have shown that as a result of "summer slide," many students returning to school in the fall have forgotten what they learned the previous year. Year-round school would provide consistency and help students learn more.
by making a general statement before giving specific examples by presenting facts before discussing opinions by removing text unrelated to the main idea
During peer review, you read and respond to a fellow student's writing. While there are many methods and strategies that you can use for reviewing a text, it is generally helpful to frame your suggestions in concrete and constructive ways and to consider the following areas for revision:
Ideas and development: Does the writer express a clear idea and develop it with evidence, examples, or analysis?
Organization: Does the writer order ideas in a clear, logical way so that they build on one another and are easy to follow?
Voice: Does the writer maintain an appropriate voice, such as a formal and objective voice in an academic essay or an engaging and expressive voice in a narrative essay?
Sentence fluency: Does the writer use sentences that vary in structure and length to create a sense of rhythm and flow within and between sentences, or does the writing sound choppy, rambling, or repetitive?
Word choice: Does the writer use words accurately and precisely to create clear, effective, and engaging writing?
Grammar and mechanics: Does the writer follow appropriate conventions, using accurate spelling, punctuation, and grammar to create writing that is correct and easy to read?
The writer could best improve his or her organization by removing text unrelated to the main idea.
For example, the writer could remove the underlined sentence, which isn't clearly related to the main idea—the benefits of year-round school.
Many students, parents, and teachers cringe at the idea of sending kids to school year-round, but it would improve academic performance. Lengthy summer vacations were not established to accommodate farming schedules, as most people assume; they were started so that wealthy families could leave the city in the hot summer months and vacation in the country. Studies have shown that as a result of "summer slide," many students returning to school in the fall have forgotten what they learned the previous year. Year-round school would provide consistency and help students learn more.