I dont wanna suggest anything that might be uncomfortable for you, but you might consider, just consider the possibility that part of your problem, part of the thing thats making you so miserable, is the angst of killing a lot of people. Maybe Ill just put it in the background there. Come on.
Jeg vil ikke gjøre det verre for deg, men vurder muligheten for at en del av grunnen til at du er så nedfor, kanskje er angsten du føler over å ha drept så mange.