What's up fam dead and buried here to let you know that if you haven't heard about anchor it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain it's free. There's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and anchor will distribute your podcast for you. So it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many more you can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. Have we made any money? Keep we make money hand over fist through anchor. Hello did oh, no, did I just bought a boat? It's everything you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the anchor app are going to Anchor dot f m-- to get started. Hey everybody and welcome to the dead and buried podcast. My name is Mike. This is my friend Pete. You know, what coming up on Christmas? I'm not even gonna say anything derogatory about you. Your heart is filled with love. I appreciate you being here with me. Appreciate you to Nate. Oh my God. It's like Ebenezer Scrooge had even visited. It's like the green ghost. Throne is heart has grown three sizes. You know what he should get that checked out. Do you like the Grinch the the cartoon? I I do like it. I still don't do you like the live-action version starring Jim Carrey? I haven't seen that one. You've never seen it. No, not that shocking. Can you break Nate? Have you seen it but the my wife loves it? It's fucking dogshit. What about the there's it. There's like a Pixar version are like an animated version the brand new one with Benedict Cumberbatch. That's right as the voice of wrench and Jennifer Aniston. My son is washed at like 12 times. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that my kids are all up in that. You know what my toddler likes. It's cute. It's like Santa pups or some shit. It's just as low-rent garbage movie. It's like Debbie Reynolds or somebody like that or mrs. Partridge. I don't know one of those women plays mrs. Claus and there's some kid in a town. He lost the Christmas spirit and these puppies going there and they talk. Oh wait, is that the one where they all end up dead? I wish and then, you know, something's detective goes another fucking Chris. When I was a little kid and I would have night mashes his gun when I was a little kid and I would have nightmares my parents would tell me to think of positive things like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and then I would I swear to Christ and then I would have nightmares in which Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny tried to kill me. I her I said see I really I'm sure that was probably in your mind. I however that I swear to Christ me that thinks that I'm saying right now I said I swear to Christ. I honestly don't remember if that was a story I made up when I was little or something actually happen. I was little was it you Way, that was my thought process. Was it my uncle and I was repressing some dark memories Easter Bunny. You're holding me too tight. Have you seen abducted in plain sight the Netflix movie to documentary know what about family who becomes? Oh, those were some guy who are that's like super good and he he likes Sadducees there. Yeah, I'm laughing but the I mean you're watching this thing the first couple episodes Nate you were watching this thing and you're like, there's like it can't get any. Oh, it can't get any worse and then it just It it gets so much worse like seven times you like. There's no way it's you. Like it's peaked. It can't be these parents cannot be more stupid and then you're like, nope. There. They go again five more times. I mean what the fuck I was confused. Hey, you know what Mike let's talk about JonBenet Ramsey. It's Christmas. Company Ramsey case my God never really delved in we did it statistically. We were bound to find a topic that you didn't holy shitballs. Welcome everyone to the dead and buried experience where who knows what the fuck is going to be talked about it here, you know, what else is crazy the amount of latex. It's in latex paint. It is absurd. That's the kind of shit you would talk about it. No bottles, I gave it to you more people are interested in abducted in plain sight than your fucking listen bottles Vendetta. If if I started a program where I was like against water bottles, I would have 1 million fucking start bitch instagram.com be bigger than Greta. We should use the sail around the world supporting our earth toys Autobot City toys and Christmas with kids. It's what what do we do? What do we do here? Well, we're talking about shitty toys and the worst Parts about Christmas with kids and that kind of stuff. But before we get to that, I apologize for the preceding what five minutes to let's call it 15 to 20. We don't know. I don't know how long it's been going through a time. Thanks for joining us. I'm on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter where you may have found me Pete anything you want to plug. Yeah, so I'm podcasting sensation Pete you might have Have see me from the New York Times wrote A Little Piece about me said I was dangerous and the New York Post said this guy won't stop sleeping in our hallways. So what the both of those are these jokes what what what jokes they're not jokes are documented. And so I again now I had now I apologize for the preceding seven minutes including whatever Pete's to minute monologue was there that's good. If you've never heard us before you're in for a hell of a ride welcome. You're welcome. Got to get oh good. And if you have heard this before, you know the drill, we just going to talk some shit about parenting and about our kids and about parents and kids in general. If you want to support us, you can use Word of Mouth you can use your Wallets on patreon. We got a lot of patreons. Fuck you the real Jason Thomas, we're going to talk a little bit about our patreon. It's because we were we appreciate their support. Yeah, he was given us some Guff about talking about our patrons. He said he could memorize I think know what that's another strike if you're a patron you deserve to have your Name memorized by random listeners of our podcast. Yeah, like the risk the Pledge of Allegiance and also Jason Thomas not fuck you You're great and I don't knows what I mean. Well does he was in affectionate? Fuck you ever heard of those. Do you have a dad because that's what that's what it was like for me. I have three gross. Yeah, so you can also rate US and review us on Spotify and Apple so somebody messaged me to an Facebook and said they found the podcast and they loved it. They binged it but they can't leave a review on Google podcasts and they can't leave a review on Spotify. She said Casey weird. Here's what you do contact support Sky Spotify.com and bring it up with these guys Kyle a support ticket. We apologize for the inconvenience. Just create an Apple account use your friends and create an armed robber and you know fucking alcohol some 5 stars, and we also have merch it's a holiday for my God guys over there and spread shoulder. GD merch GD merch you can find the links all this stuff my link tree. Oh my God my Instagram bio. It's like a it's like a drug to dead and buried addiction. If someone wants to Mainline data Barry. They just go to your link tree. I'm a married man. Pete. Are you though? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, right forgot. It's okay. She doesn't listen. Okay. All right, so tonight we're talking about. Oh our patrons. Yes. Sorry Jason. We got to fucking go now what? Not these people deserve recognition due to helping this Giver wonderful. Look Enterprise that we're in I'm gonna give all of these people Jason Thomas has email address single dad to your Chris Coleman Miriam, Ms. Baybayin. Check your kids at the door M cedeño 1980 and Mallory Mackenzie. Thank you. We love you Dad bod. Tear Barbara Geiger morning glow Jacques. Kovar Andrea Sandoval. We love you with just a little bit more than the single dad people father. Or tear Julia McCarthy Joseph died Jason Sarge Paula policy world's biggest CFL fan. It's just a part of your fucking name now deal with it Jennifer Winn World's Greatest Dad. Tear Mary Williams and Julie Burton, who is a big Chiefs fan. We watch the I watched the powers game. That was an awesome game. Thank God Almighty God blow that my God. They really crushed. That's the game the Patriots they did not they almost I mean the Patriots almost tied it know, let's face it really the last actual the point being is that they absolutely do Many of them from yeah, well, they played them so I was talking to somebody in the beginning like the Patriots move down field because they got a pass interference penalty and they scored them trick play, right? And somebody was I got oh no, I'm like give the patrons like they got lucky with pi and then they're pulling out all the stops to score. I'm like you're in good shape if that's what they need to do because their offense is so Dynamic that one the got a discounted full touchdown that was discounted Fulton County discounted not like cheaper no disc and they got a lot of And good fortune for the past 20 years. I don't know maybe the fucking Patriots called the Tuck Rule look it up my God. You're from Connecticut. Right my fucking hate the Patriots so much. Anyway, the Dolphins lost which is a victory. Can we get a almost want to get to our my new dad tear Sarah disarray? Kissling and Monica? Oh my thank you guys. I'm sorry believable. This is like the longest intro we've ever had was a drink 20 minutes doesn't matter how much? It was just me laughing and then me not laughing at your jokes about 50 most of it. All right guys, we'll be back after this to talk about shitty gifts and why Christmas suction it fasten your goddamn seat belts. Hey, Mike, have you heard of Spotify before? I have heard of Spotify? Really? Yeah, because on Spotify you can listen to all of your favorite artists and podcast in one place for free. You don't even need a premium account Spotify is a huge catalogue of podcast on every topic including the one you're listening to right now here. We were having a normal conversation and I thought I knew more about Spotify. We're on Spotify. You can follow your favorite podcast. So you never miss an episode premium users can download episodes and listen offline. Wherever you are and easily share what you're listening to with your friends on Instagram. I'm on Instagram. Are you on Instagram? Get out of here? If you haven't done so already be sure to download the Spotify app search for dead and buried on Spotify or browse podcast in the your library tab. Also, make sure to follow me and Pete so you never miss an episode of the dead and buried show. All right, guys, welcome back promise. No laughing fits this section. Nate told me whatsoever that my energy was low. Hey man, perk up a little bit as I see confused easily the strangest comment we've ever received from and that is saying something. So before we get started I want to say tonight's episode is sponsored by our friends at Kinder. Perfect. It's a card / parlor game. It's like citizens citizens against humanity for parents SIM cards against is that a gene? Now there's a racists now its citizens against humanity citizens against humanity. I don't know I just feel like they jeans what does Gene there's a lot of Gene Brands. Okay, we're of until I said, oh no, I thought it was a woman's like Banana Republic. You know how many there are seven you've ever heard of seven genes. There are thing. Okay heard of them either. Are you smelling burnt toast Against Humanity? I think how's your brand of jeans or whatever anyway cards are perfect is like hard. Against Humanity, there's no genes involved. You're nailing for parents. Yeah. Do you want to do it Cards Against Humanity? It's like Kinder perfect, but not for parents. You're doing the wrong thing. I know. I know. I realize that halfway through I fuck it up. I really fucked it up. You're an absolute joke. I am such a near-perfect as I Cards Against Humanity for parents. It's all kid base parenting base cards. It's hilarious. There's some real edgy ones. I Cards Against Humanity has four and there's a Tamer version if you wanted to fear you You're into that kind of thing. We got some and if you're not a parent, let's go down. No. Yeah you often zero interest in this thing. You have a parent. Can you imagine if they're non-parents listening? I don't know the I have a few non-parent followers in the like thank you for reminding me. Oh, oh, really? Oh, well, yeah part of the reminders of the we is a little bit broad, but sure anyway, so you can go to Amazon and Kinder perfect.com and use the code 20 off Dad's on Amazon and I If it's 20 off Daddy, I'm Kinder perfect to get 20% off if you're dead and buried the listener cool and speaking of I mean, so that's a great gift for Christmas. But tonight we're going to be talking about shitty gifts that you have to give your kids or that somebody else gives you have to give your kids. That isn't the fucking point of Christmas it fucking is though just there are things you wouldn't give your kid, but because your kid wants it you feel like you're obligated. And in other people listening right now being like you're the problem with burned during you're spoiling your kids you give them what they need what they will know what they You know, what? Who's sometimes I want my kid to show boys. He's quiet. The pizza is I want him to be happy. Who's the pizza own? I don't know if that's who I'm thinking you're talking. What was that was an Italian voice because he's you know, what he's had an accident with his trachea during the pizza making process was an issue. There was an incident and now his trachea is gone and no dogs anyway, so there's a lot of things around the holidays that are obligations, right and a lot of them are toy buying and toys you have to get for you. What are you gonna get the Kid? That has everything which is your subscription to the data Maron podcast my kid my kid has nothing. How about a too shy kid according to my kid. He has nothing right exactly. According to me. He has way too much. I've seen her boat say I've seen it downstairs just gonna true I have since I got the stain on this kit have seen your dad. What about you dude? I've seen your downstairs. Oh my god. Well, I like this is no more laughing fits. This is this is it categorizes kids and family. This podcast is goddamn hard luck. So this weekend so you hurt you guys have a lot of toys and there but I mean, we don't have any more toys in the fucking average bear. No, but I think you have a lot of I'm just saying when my kid my son comes over he's out of his mind to myhouse. Yeah, but the one time in two three years and over my fucking house. Yeah, we don't worry. Invited me anytime you want you will not even let him go there. Okay, we keep saying it. So when he goes there he loves her toys because he lives with two girls and they just have girl shit. That's right. And he's the third what you gonna get him? Nothing guess what were spent we are kind of stunt how he Bake Oven. However, let's get into just all the madness that is toys because it is it gets real serious. Now, let's caveat the real serious. Yeah, because I see Here's why if you live in an apartment in that's some sort of city. Also me where you don't have a lot of space me three. Nope you can you can yeah, you got a big ass. I do have a bigger than average. But guess what you feel it to the size of your palm. That's the problem right that you're like, oh I have room for this I can get up. Yeah now so you know what? I'm gonna get the Hot Wheels like up the wall down the thing takes up. Well look, I as you may know. No, I mean influencer and sometimes that affords me certain privileges but not at home. Like I got a couple times I got Hot Wheels sent in the mail and The Shoe Box comes you listen, and there's this consistently with a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep doesn't mean they don't tell me my business Devil Woman. All right. So before we get into this shitty to us, I do want to tell the story of the greatest gift I've ever given anyone to get to silence. A fucking pot. Oh my God. No, I just want you to give the gift to everybody. Oh my God, I look up so I know is only so much of me. I know so let's hear this. So when I started dating my wife Heather AKA mom and buried funny meme account. You should check it out. Okay. All right, that's good. Let's keep going. This is we don't need a pretzels we our relationship began as long distance. And a lot over email present wrong calls was a prisoner. I was in jail. Oh you were to go visit to were not you thought she was the one yeah. Well, she's the one with all the neck tattoos. So that's bad bester. That's a good point thug life around her neck. So it was a lot of correspondence over email and you know, sometimes we chatted I mean we chatted on the phone a lot but so back in the day before social media and this would have been It's a lot of email shit. So you get like chain letters and like those fucking Chuck Norris facts went around. I remember I had a laughing fit to be in this episode. I remember being at my desk in North Quincy, Massachusetts where I worked at State Street just pissing my pants reading that list of Chuck Norris shit has some of those were just so funny and then one of these things came around where it was like she sent it to me and it was like somebody asks you a list of questions about like a childhood of your life and one of the questions and there's a bunch of dumb shit, you know, What was your favorite movie when you're not whatever one of the questions was what was the one Christmas gift you always wanted and never got so this was like a chain letter thing and it got sent to me so I get to see her answers and then I answer it and I send it back to everybody. She sees it. So I saw her answer and I saw what she wanted and I filed it away and then a few months later she came up to visit me or we went away to like a bed and breakfast because right, you know, You need a breakfast we had the bed, but it was in the Berkshires and we went away and I had fucking gone around trying to find this thing online couldn't and I'm going to fucking Toys R Us and got it and I got it for her and she had forgotten what this is a key part. She had forgotten the stupid email Shane fucking thing writings of Thomas the Tank Engine train think she is three. Those have him around that long. She has she's too young do not want What is if you're just joining us She's Impossible. You just leaving it. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, thank you for it was a fucking sit and spin for some reason when she was a little girl. She wanted to sit and spin so I fucking bought her a sit and spin this was like the fourth month of our relationship. It's been all downhill ever since like this thing blew her mind the fact that she forgotten about it. I people Million percent. She's an amazing gift giving out any thoughtful. It was in a box or was it not I went to I went to Toys R Us and I got the box and I wrapped it and shit so it doesn't look like a sit and spin no no ya know you have to assemble it which she did obviously I'm not handy. You know, I'm not like shit you because I got you the gift and these fucking 52c proposition haters screwdrivers and get to work anyway, so hashtag Romance. Filled her gift wish and she you know, did you actually crotch then? We got married? Yeah. So what I'm saying is like so I got a bunch of people asked on the live earlier. What was the my favorite gift I've ever gotten I couldn't even tell you. I don't I don't know. I know for a fact that she'll say that that that was the best guessing. That's my favorite. You've ever given my God like I don't have a gift I missed out on anything like the you did you always want the Easy Bake Oven. You didn't get it. No didn't need hit my buddy to my buddy. No, Teddy Ruxpin buddy, maybe Teddy Ruxpin. Wherever I go. He goes my buddy. Stop. What are you like a kid Sister? What is my buddy? My buddy was a stupid doll like the doll from Child's Play was essentially used my buddy as a model and I don't know why anyone would want it or why anyone remembers like Teddy Ruxpin but a little boy. Yeah. I know. It's a very catchy member I Menon let's get you two wouldn't would in the Teddy Ruxpin which I never got would you put a tape in the back? Yeah of it. Yeah. I had one and then it would animate no wouldn't animated would just It would just speak the tape always displayed in its mouth move. Did it did it animate? What about speaking spell? You know what I love this video was so did you got to learn and it was fun and then you can make it we do creepy things. Have you ever thought how Stephen Hawking never changed his voice even though the technology got so much better. You know what that was just became his voice like the speaking spell voice was the voice of Stephen Hawking. Yeah. What do you think? You think he was like people recognize my voice? Yeah. That's why do I do some so I Really do think. So is there a guy so all right. Well, what would you have done if you were him? What voice would you want I would have done. Well, there is a couple of Gottfried everything. Hey, you know I can do it I can do it. I can't do it. I can do it. You know, he doesn't sound like he does in Police Academy. Actually, he sounds the Bobcat Goldthwait. Yeah. I know. I know it's a bit. I saw Gilbert Gottfried and Union Square ones. What a fucking tiny little man. Yeah. Yeah, he was a frail if it was just really really small dude. Yeah. How did you recognize him? I know what it looks like when you mean sketching. Did you schedule schedule my police catch them? Okay. Look, let's get into some toys that people suggest that all right. Here we go. MJ hunt said, so I said, so at the beginning before we get so these are a whole bunch of list of random shit A bunch of people complained about and then we get into some categories. All right. This is more General. MJ hunt m dot. J dot hunt said art shit because I have to set it up break up fights. Make sure there's minimal spillage and clean. I love the breaker lights. You know, what? Yeah. I mean, it's anybody who anytime someone you've the blue I wanted the black kids are going through this and you just like honestly should do a sibling episode. We haven't done that yet. This is the thing. This is the thing you take the time art shit this you want your kids to have some art. So you set it all you want your kids to have some Yeah, every a testament to have the experience of creating some fucking Arts using the so you set it all up and the next thing you know, but I wanted the blue and you're like you shut the fuck up. Nothing shut do with the art. It would be no matter any exactly front of so then guess what you do shut down the art the shutdown. I've got it down pat down there so that everything now yellow it. Yeah you blew it you've got to do it. I did that every day you want blue. Guess what? No more blue one blue for you the underscore right as in Wright brothers not a not as in right or left the You're right underscore time 2010 says Jelly's, you know what those are knowing that I'm going to tell you those can burn in hell with Furbies. Okay, whatever B's a little stuff things that talk. Oh my God, they would talk to each other. He says I'm disowning anyone who gets my kid 1 so the Jelly's I believe our little stuffed animals with wheels that you need to yell at to get them to move and they make they they are attracted to the sound of yelling. I wrote about it for the dad last year. I think that's what it is that they chase you if you yell. The fuck you at the drive-through. What what kind of fucking first of all I don't know what you're talking about. There was a Lethal Weapon to quote. You don't know leave the weapon to whatever Leo Wong's Leo Getz. Okay. Yeah Irishman. Literally, okay was Joe Pesci, he's getting I yeah now you're so I don't know what Jelly's are the sound hole. They're really just oh my God you well now that I can't wait for mcmc Berg nights as Jelly's Google it. I can't even you can't Google save us some legwork MC Burke describe ABC describe what you told you what it was hockey. Mom. 66 729 says it's about va's. Well, that's a fucking toy. Eight hand would you have said hockey moms? 66 729 or hockey moms. 667 29 or hockey mom six 6 seven to nine. I'm just so what would you have done? Is there is there a hockey mom six 6 seven to one through? No, you know what it is. It's she was born in 1966. She has seventy two children and she said 29 remote vehicles. She has remote Vehicles would yell. He's our sort of remote. They just come to the sound of your voice wait when she Says the best sound as bad as she sang the best gift we have other boys was a was a PlayStation 4 and TV right because here's they stay in their room and they fucking stay out of your face and quiet honestly, this is the pan. This is the fan. They learn sharpshooting to It's A Plus is all around and they know they learn Squad goals see why was that for tonight thing? That's just like a thing hides Carlson says nail polish kits on a hashtag disaster waiting to happen. I don't have girls. I have girls they don't polish kit. We've been fortunate enough to like navigate circumvent circumvent any kind of self polishing time like no one the kids will never be able to part of the other self polishing toys. Well, here's what I'm thinking about / lights low. I'm sorry you talking about self polishing my soul mate. He's just sitting I'm talking about even to you how I said, it's not too far off but slime. If you use your magic, so first of all, it's all glittery and parts of the press but slime is really the worst thing that's ever been given to that's coming up parents coming out Community kill. You haven't read the notes that's coming up because save it then I just Dean says I got all my son's gifts from Five Below last year and they all broke within six months learned my lesson. So I went to a Five Below last year. What five I'm gonna tell you right now. It's like a strip mall in the suburbs. I went in there. I'm like, why is this place called Five Below and then I realized everything in this. Or is under five bucks. It's a dollar store on fucking steroids. Okay, what's a dollar store in steerage would really actually be like would sound like like someone who works part of stripping called Bergman Berg Bergdorf Goodman Bergdorf Goodman. I was gonna think Berkman Berkman Good Tour gonna say no like that ain't right anyway, so this is the I blow is just full of good junk. Okay. Mmm Newcomb Play-Doh hands down blows. I hate that. Shit, it's always a mess. But Maleficent understand 25 says I used to hate Play-Doh. Now, I understand she's probably saying when my kids were young and played with with Play-Doh. I used to hate it right. I'm choosing to interpret it as I used to hate Play-Doh, but I had a change of heart and I wanted to know what changed your mind Maleficent 25. Why do you like Play-Doh now? I don't I actually I had I'm going to be in Maleficent 25 corner and actually said say that I had a heart change of heart. You like Play-Doh? No, I only use Play-Doh at Grandma's because what here's the thing they've a marble it's gonna get all fucked up. You just got to kind of lean into it the first it all goes right now month. Yeah. It's gonna get dried out a murderer and it's going to get measure circling all fucked up. And but if you if they can just be occupied with something and yeah drives and that's I think the point is it dries. It's there are materials that I can get into of course, you know, like mouths. No, I don't give a shit about the mouth. I'm more talking about my furniture. Right. Well, that's that shinpei. That's my parents have like a marble table and it is easily cleanable God. I'm not bragging holding shit marble table. They living with my God. This is Megan Wayne Manor. So j-bone in 15 says anything that seems the Baby Shark Song. There's like baby shark stuffed animals. All this sorts of shit. Nobody likes that song Nate. You know that song sing it. Somehow that was worse than the actual Baby Shark Song. Yeah, is that it? Does it do that? All right, it goes to Grandma shark. There's there's all sorts sister. Sure. No, I don't I've done my best. So eat and earn eat eat and green E10 gern one. Pete guys, listen, let's get our stuff ETA everywhere. Oh, that's true. We have those things why Spider-Man shooters and fake know like those foam? Yeah, no more think everyone knows what happened real bullets Nerf gun is so we're he's confused then no what I'm saying? Is that bullets everywhere. That's not the problem. The problem is stop shooting you in the fucking nuts, you hit my eye. The eye is the thing other stuff the eyes what hurts? Yeah, and if you have you know, anyone from a four five six, so, you know, I think it eat they get They're like, alright, we're not gonna let my kids know. Oh, my nine-year-old Detective Munch. Shoot the shit out of those that are all gone though. Like like like what you to the point green says, no, the all the bullets are missing all the little foam things are missing, but we'll shoot anybody, but will he shoot people in the face and shoot me in the face sometimes but it means it's the thing you asked for forgiveness, not permission. That's what kids do the whole thing. Okay. Thanks. Good call the way until you get the wait until they get yelled at and be like, oh, I didn't know I couldn't do that. All you didn't know you can fucking shoot in my eyeball this other like a quiet. They're like corporate Renegades. So a bunch of people brought this up and I don't know what they are Judy Cedar home. He frerichs Miss Jackie O, LOL dolls. Check your kids at the door says, I hate LOL surprise dolls, the tiny pieces that it that they're full of tiny pieces that get eaten by the dog some LOL surprise. It's in there. It we have that check your kids at the door funny meme account and I and it's Graham check it out, but I don't understand what they are. They're just tiny little things. You don't know. I think it did. I'm getting I'm getting confused by nothing's Allah. Ya Allah all surprise another like think of the same thing as LOL dolls are really so they call them lol surprise. Some people call Mel. They have tons of tiny little accessories. Yeah, and then what the best you're thinking of I think so. No, but there's another thing. You're also thinking of okay. I'll tell you later. Cool. I'll tell you later. Thank you. Yeah, we but well, I'm waiting to get to the Bay 1880s is here. One of the worst toys is fucking slime. My house is filled with glue contact solution and a million bowls that have been ruined because of goddamn slam. You know, what between 80 maybe if you had a fucking slime bowl that you put next to your vomit Bowl. You wouldn't have that issue slimeball vomit ball when the difference just come to see ya mirjam Kids were making slime and it just smelled like you know, what? Oh my God. Here's the deal. You know, it's a trick question because guess what if there wasn't even The Mixing Bowl the whole time? Oh my God, you know what, so I thought you wanted to talk about slime. I fucking hate slime that it is that all you got. Do you know how how how many pieces of furniture have been ruined in your house by slime know my kids don't do Slackline every single piece of furniture. My house has been ruined by my kids not by slime. No, we don't have A slime kid slime family your family's a real fucking slimy like over a slime bag literally like father like family. Oh my God slime City. What a great. What a great use of that expression. That's a real like father like slime bag. I haven't said come back people say slime back. I'm a certain date says no, it's scumbag. Nestling bag you slime that happen. Sometimes slimeball. There you go. I have said that little Tremor 80 says my father. Five-year-old has started saying she wants Santa to bring her a doll that poops itself. I'm not paying to bring yet another ass that needs wiping into my house. She also wants to loom beads which are UK toys that involve tiny bits just said something about Aqua Beads, maybe so I might be making those two up then evolve the tiny pieces that need parental assistance, right? So they need your approval on it means of a lot of water the ones that absorb water what tipped you off. What's that? What tipped you off the other beads? I don't know anything about them. No, you know what they are. They're like the stuff that's diapers are made out of but they're big. Oh, yeah that gel shift that jail. Shouldn't you like put your hands? I did Community Management for Huggies. Oh my God. No way briefly. How'd it go? I learned a lot about that. That shit's not toxic and you can swallow is not a big deal. No you can yeah. Yeah, that's that's if I don't chug it but it's not but I mean you can do a little bit. I've tried it's not bad so meaning That when you're in college is everybody's really rip it over it. But no but I mean like and whenever you screaming like that everyone screaming no just rest assured write it out before you're fine. Look it's on the community manager guidelines and you'll ever you'll forever be known as the guy who ate Huggies diapers. I thought you can see forever your girl. Like I'm Paula Abdul. Nope, you know that that I got when I first got my first stereo ninth grade September 90 91 cares that right? Yeah, just hammered 90. I got a compact stereo that had a fucking turntable at the top type dual cassettes and a CD player that popped out the front. I got three CD. Wait. What for Christmas? No 90 September of 1990. Yeah. Okay. I got three. See my God. Let me go straight. I got that and a marble table is said to be all Armel table wasn't mine. Oh my God to inherit Alicia. I hope to inherit it my God, but it wasn't mine. So I got Abdul was it forever. Your girl is the name of the album. Yeah. I don't know. Is that straight up now? Tell me yeah, that's that album and cold-hearted slave I think was on there. I don't know if Opposites Attract or was that what that's the same Was the Same album. Yeah, DJ Scat Cat cartoon sketch. That's the cat in the cartoon. I got Billy Joel storm front which has Downeaster Alexa and I think maybe we didn't start the fire I've ever heard Downeaster Alexa. It's just this album. It's just High comedy. It's just very funny and very entertaining. I don't know why I got it because I liked Billy Joel's Greatest Hits that I had a brother is 10 years old and me who I guarantee. You bought me Billy Joel fucking storm front. Is that don't start We Didn't Start the Fire. I just said that do you even listen to me? Awhile? So dumb friend. I got Temple of the Dog because I really was into Eddie Vedder Oh Come. Alright, let's good. I just really only two good song about allow major strike and say hello to have a format that you get these are CDs for the first threesome. The turntable was The United Joel Bell Biv DeVoe from the from Caldor. I think the bubbledom. Oh wow ABC BBD. Is there anything you didn't do that? You want to tell us anything? I didn't do that. I want to tell you. Yeah, you're real. You're fucking Wordsmith. So the next category is noise and batteries. So these are the toys that make noise and take batteries that everybody hates Caitlin. Riordan says anything. I hate noise. We finally banned it this year. Like, how do you ban that? Like tell your family? Don't buy anything that makes noise. Sighs how about this? No has trucks. No, no fast charging make noise all the fucking noise and let that shit my house to the Jets bullshit Lego 1311 says I hate toys with batteries or ones that make annoying sounds. I also always worried about what grandparents / aunts and uncles will buy for my kid. I know it sounds awful, but I don't think there's anything wrong with checking with the parent first before you buy something that you know that you don't know if the kids will like or where so like, I think there's anything wrong with that like I'm my mom checks in with me like what are your kids want, right? There are some people like my brother I think Prides himself on trying to find like I know my nephew I want to buy him. Holy water cuz they guarantee our elements the recessed filters. I know makes a big difference. Also, you can do Coke out of them, but I don't think what are you talking about? I don't think there's anything wrong with like verifying. Hey, is it cool if I buy this and she says she has stuff in her house that her mom insisted she needed but it just sits abandoned in a corner or drawer anything going on. Voice went straight to put it beautifully. Would you fuck me? Oh my God. What a fucking Christmas episode. This is literally as Jame gumb Silence of the Lambs. I know everybody knows Ted Levine fucking Legend. I just watched him in the report recently. You know what not a good movie the report great and he and he it's not the heat. That's what Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy is a totally different film. Naoko mom says we always buy batteries early. Okay batteries are expensive when I go to my dad's house. He has a lot of batteries honestly amazonbasics the shit out of that. What's amazonbasics batteries? Just you media Amazon brand batteries. Yeah. Just you don't don't think just do robin Kay Thompson says she hates bullshit toys with batteries that make noise now the batteries don't the Robin. I don't want to be pedantic but the batteries aren't what makes noise. They generate the noise because the energy support provided by The Bachelor. Yeah, right just just be specific. I think I think I think the well, yeah, I mean, all right. Let's keep our eye you nailed that one Pete been teeny 80 says Melissa and Doug sound puzzles are the worst. They when you take out the piece that makes noise until you put the right piece back in my son had an animal one and it was hugely annoying going off constantly. I hated it. He lost a few pieces. We never found. So we threw it away. How often do you throw in like an annoying toy of your kids away? We should say my wife recycles, but you're going to I literally thought you were going We are Farmers bum bum. You went like we really perfect no and do it. Once again you drop that. My wife yeah, we get rid of toys. Oh, I know what if we gave it a toys a lot. Have you ever done? Have you ever heard this thing and it's good to get rid of toys, man. I can't wait. I grab my kids today. I think you'll even the Forum thrown out. I love sucking up Lego bits with the vacuum and then just be like, that's awesome. Guess what? You fuck shouldn't let them on the floor. So have you ever heard the discipline disciplinary tactic where parents will fill a bunch of fake presents? Oh and then when the kid does not throw no, I haven't done it. It's a little bit similar to that weird. That was going around a few months ago where that seems a little high the kind of stuff. You tried to feed a kid food. He didn't eat it. Oh, yeah and you try to get stuffed animal that shit was trapped doesn't sound like a good window. So grilled cheese E7 hates anything you have to assemble or that makes noise. Look, here's the real. Oh, no, here's the water bottles. No, here's the real beauty of Christmas it is you just simply do what you should do with every holiday. And you weaponize it number. Yeah. I know you weaponized everything. Yeah. You weaponize Restless the sacred. Yeah, because you say, oh boy. Did you just say it's called Santa now? We're getting into Elf on the Shelf which is the epitome of what size is is that I get into it. Is it just chill for a second building? Mica says, I built a toddler Kitchen last year. Lots of beer was on hand. So I built a stupid little Flintstone car for my kid last year and need me. Oh, you got it in pieces and you have to assemble it like mate with all the furniture. He's about to buy from Ikea right? And yeah, you got a beer and you have to do it on Christmas Eve a lot of times just to set it up and get it out for the thing. Wait. Hold on a second. Do you assemble Before Christmas ya know before you have to have the completed gift ready for them? What you give it to him in a box. Is it knock yourself out kid? So been teeny 80s is worried about that. Oh, I love this about 1780 says last year, but the to buy themselves year. I got my toddler a battery-operated red Mercedes and it didn't arrive until Christmas Eve and I begged my husband to put a get it put it together that night. So it would be there under the tree in the morning. The directions were all in German. A car was a total Beast to put together. It took him five hours and he was up until 3 a.m. And then grumpy the next day but my son loved it gives a shit about my husband his Christmas was ruined. Yeah, I did do that shit last year and I accidentally I missed apart and then put the stickers where that part we supposed to be. So like eyes were supposed to like googly eyes or something just put stickers and it just looks stupid but who cares the kid doesn't notice and at some point somebody called me out on Instagram because I posted it and I like fucking not you fucking fucked up. Wait a second, you're saying that these are like fully built presents that are around the tree and kids come up and they already see the half the fucking the joy is opening up a can exist. You can't see what it is. So you have never liked assembled the gift the night before like on Christmas Eve like that that been a part of the Christmas experience for you know, and it's never been a part of your kids. It's no to find like a bike put together or kind of well, they have found a yes. We can hold your gift and in like two weeks when I fucking get around to it because I'm tired already. I've been up early and then I have work coming up and it's New Years. So in like two weeks, I'll put together your donkey a hold on a second. What is Stan? What the fuck? Are you gonna do a boxer Parts on a second? It's between the hours of 5:00 5:30 a.m. And 8 a.m. You have to be then because the kids are fucking up and in your bed and the ready together in. Your bed on Christmas Eve for reals. That's the one night of the year know what that means. No. No, they come in. They're so excited early really like super and then from 11:00 to 2:00. You do your shit. Hopefully it's not all in German doesn't take you fucking five hours like been teeny 80s husband, right? My point is that after Christmas is over you then spend the rest of the day putting stuff together and it's like you build it. It's fun and well, I think it is the case the not have that thing it was If you if they got like a video game system, but you had the fuck you got a boat. It's well, you gotta build up right are the biggest presence of the beginning of the end last present but really but during the process for the city right there the whole time and you have it in like the fucking back hall or in the laundry room or some shit. I don't you fucking bring it out after you pretend you pretend they didn't get the one big thing. They wanted and you hold it over their head and you psychologically terrorize them you like weaponize a like and then of the very end like like, oh, can you go throughout the fucking trash in the back hall? And they go through all the trash in the back hall and they're fucking how about Red Line BMX bicycle is there? Okay, how about this how about there's a big-ass box and it's put together a how about there's a big-ass present at the back of the tree and every kid is like what the so you go through stockings and then you do this. It's only one of their say are the other kids exactly everything that put together weaponizing motherfucker. That's how we're working against no. All right, and then and then the rest of the day is putting Together and wonderful Sunday. All right. So what do what do you mean they want to play with it? They don't want to assemble it. That's an old wives tale like playing with toys Jesus Christ. Okay. So packaging came up to and I made a meme about it once and I'm not going to explain the me. Okay, just go watch the movie Commando and you'll get it. Ciaobella for says getting the shitty toy out of the packaging sucks. Then putting stickers on the toys. Okay, so you like like Creating. Yeah, if you stick the stickers are so final. It's like buying an airline ticket always makes me nervous. Yep, and you're like really this pulling the trigger. I really putting it on you like shit. What have I can angle it wrong? I'm not good at that stuff. I'm not good at most things stickers being the up at the top little charmer 80 been ttat and little charmer 80 dominated the comments on this been teeny $0.80 literally like she feel like nine fucking boxes. All right your box send me an email little charmer 80 says why are some toys package so Purely you get stuff that is literally screwed into the bottom need a screwdriver and scissors that are capable of cutting through impenetrable plastic. That's true. Sometimes you get that really thick plastic and it's fucking hard. You know, what the Tottenham the taught those zip ties that are gonna battle but they're in the back of the back. I've got the box. Yeah, so you'll take out the box and there's like a secret. Yeah. This is why it is like cardboard in between you and then that's when you kids at home your ended up with this what she said she goes and the kids are in your face the whole time you're trying to get it out. Out and you're just like you're frustrated. It's because it sucks and you're insecure because you're failing at it and your kids are in your face. Like why can't I play it's just like it. She's like it always gets us in the Christmas spirit. Have you seen that SNL skit with Matt Damon and whoever is on the hmm. That's actually really it's that was recent. I was this yeah, that was actually very glasses really sweet. It was all the whole it was like the worst part about it was like the reality of Christmas versus but he has a very good like he He likes to think back on it and think nice nostalgic lie. Yeah, one of the things I hate about Christmas is yeah you wake up early you wake up so early and you're like, you know, I'm really tired, but I like the only way I can get through. This is by drinking, but it's like it's too early start drinking or you start drinking early and you fall asleep early. No, you don't start drinking early and false know ye not get know you cause you have to fucking rap. You have to know I have to get your work beforehand unless you're assembling. Saying something. When do you write when you get to wrap? It depends on when you are the toys you do a days before my wife does it I'm the worst rapper you've ever my wife. I'm the worst rap reversing last year. I wrapped something. So well that I like department at my all you have and I've got me was like your great rap. That was it. You fucking you made that into a pun about wrapping. You were the whitest fucking person of all time. That's correct your wider than Eminem. That's absolutely clear any thrives on his white head. You should listen to my kid that it's There's sometimes on the weekends when I'm drinking. I will put on the YouTube that just the parts the battle raps at the end of 8 Mile enjoy watching in a mile. It's like a championship bouts like watching a sports movie and he has three Battle Raps where he freestyles against the three guys the leaders in every world and I'll just put that on and watch that eight minutes. It really gets my adrenaline pumping Anthony Mackie. Okay, where are my sisters stupid line from the movie? Anyway, wow, so Jenna Jenna, please which I'm pretty sure is what her name means Jenna please je n a plz says she hates puzzles and things that have too many pieces there the bane of my existence pieces we talked about with the elal surprise shit slime is Of the same thing LEGO obviously Play-Doh all this little white residue of this shit. Why why is it why is it so horrible? Because it's the one piece that's missing that your kid fucking you're talking about the hustles anything any little bit about the pieces Miss. I don't care about them finish what I'm saying is that's the one piece where did my my handbag go and you're like, I don't know and they're like and then of course meltdown happens in your like a gazelle missing their handbag handsome. Happens to us with Lego pieces. That's where I start. This is how many exactly where is his helmet? Where is Banks bandoliers the so the the lightsaber where's the camps? And then you ask you ask? Where do you put it this Lego have a Pulp Fiction set yet. They do. My son has a yellow submarine set. Okay, good good. He loves that fucking movie. It was my gateway drug into the good music for him and I thinking about it. Now. I don't know where like the he especially liked Beetle. They're called Minifigs and guys like other and I don't know where most of those guys are. Um, what is the film using story? Really? It's a cool. So you have Legos and you don't know where they are these Lego theme kit. You don't think they're very good. Let me let me let me get a pen and paper. Write this down and I want to lose recording it the recording the momentum parity. So Lego shit here these days because all the Lego shit now is themed kits right? It's a constraint things that as the upside down built in its Ghostbusters. It's the writing the Elon Musk truck now, I did see that. Yes, very funny. But like if you like that's the thing you build it once and then you basically have to maintain it as a fucking collectible exactly for the rest of your life or else it gets you take apart and gives mix everything else then all of a sudden it's like in meaningless, which is fine. You can which Frankenstein is a friend it between from when we were growing up when you would get were no no. No the work they were I wear a couple there are Star Wars though there weren't even that Star Wars. It was just like this is how you build a plane or something. You know, I mean, it was like it was more just sort of General right? Yeah shapes that you could build your building models But ultimately they all ended up in a bucket and then you were just putting red on green and blue. Yeah you put that we have together kids toys except for guess what they do. It's so specialized now. You can't mix it and you can't put a pirate ship. You can still mix and match them you grab the Lego pieces you fucking listen to me right now. You can wrong about it again put a pirate ship with a goddamn space plane. Why not? And guess if you see the Lego movies half of its about that frankensteining shit together actually teamwork by the way friendship. That is actually that's a whole thing in and of itself. There are sets of Legos that don't make any sense. Now they sell but they cost a crazy man. What are you talking about? The Lego Movie has spawned an entire series shit that doesn't make sense. It's like, you know the couch the master builder. Yeah, but the most recent one where it was like nonsensical like a rain like this is a rainbow. Yeah, there's like a rainbow unicorn and yeah, they're in like the so they sell sets now that like don't make any sense to they literally like you don't quite till he had actually better name. I don't know what the fucking had it. She's pretty funny that movie. My point being is coupled with Sciences like a movie tonight doesn't make any movie part to this stupid podcast. Nobody knows what you even talking about anymore. Yeah, but I seen something good coming up. Can I fuck you want to stop talking for a second? To and The Lego Movie are all about like random shit. No one is there you know what I'm talking about inside joke it is there a duck then something else. I can't wait when we get off this episode to tell you about some of the shit that happens in that abducted in plain sight thing. Oh, you don't even want to know but you're gonna know so I was something I was going to bring up but I did railed it just to shit on you for a second and it really was it was pretty good on that. Sierra Roxanne says she hates anything with tiny pieces that will be thrown out or thrown and lost as soon as it's open, of course, but she's decided I'm not buying toys for her kids this Christmas to teach them a lesson. They're on the naughty list. Whoo, how often especially like I worry about spoiling my kids, especially when it comes to like the Christmas and stuff and there are definitely like withholding stuff are threatening to take away things or like you need to earn. This is a key part of my disciplinary technique may not be the most evolved. But it is what it is. But then the end of the day most of the time like you want you especially on Christmas like you want your kids to be happy and end up getting in the shit. We don't go overboard and get them every fucking thing ever. Like they're not like whatever but all they have is I feel like a marble table. No you get off the where's your where's your brother live? 1% land, Westport, Connecticut exactly where the fucking 1% live, but I just said well, I just reiterate it but here Here's the thing Christmas is about keeping the that that mystery alive for the kids. That's why if you make the toy ahead of time, I think it I think it ruins it a little bit. Oh my God. Oh my God, that's your defense. You see the kids getting something and if you keep it unassembled, they don't know what it is. So you're like, hey, here's your box of parts and you don't tell them what it is. We're talking about box apart you they open it up and they're like, holy shit I gotta Good like Millennium Falcon Lego when you gonna put together the Millennium Falcon Lego piece. I'm obviously not going to do that pick a side pick a side Lego is a toy hashtag. So logic play with the Museum of the put together putting it together is the poor boy. That's the whole fucking thing. You know, what put together a bike being like, hey, here's your bike. Once you fucking figure it out. Yeah exactly your six months. Here's a here's a you're not yourself. Here's an allen key. Pick the right one. This is going to be frustrating for you. Welcome to adult. Yeah. Oh bloody knuckles boohoo. So true story. I loved the Karate Kid film when I was a kid. My parents want me to wanted me to take karate, but I was scared that the evil sin saying karate would be like like my son I would be like him and I would have no not Pat Morita the good sense a that I would always have to do push-ups on my Knuckles and I made me too scared what give that guy the right to be a Sensei which one? The blonde dude, he was just like a blow. He was like the Proto the bad guy Martin Cove is like 1984 Proto male just like a blond. He wasn't blind. He's he was he had brown hair Johnny Lawrence his blog. He was Johnny Lauren. He was gonna know that Lawrence with the Cobra Kai brown hair. I'll bring up his name after fucking look it up if I had my Sensei Kris John crease so I don't want him beat. Out of commission God I will fucking we should do a viewing party of cricket. It's so good. I saw that, you know so many times we were on vacation and my brother wanted to see Red Dawn. Okay, so my brought my dad took you some Red Dawn. Yeah, we're on fucking vacation we go to movies on vacation. I mean, I thought this was in 2011 now because I think just I was a child Red Dawn was in the theaters either the first or second PG-13 movie depending on who you believe. If Dreamscape and Red Dawn Dreamscape was actually Escape is pretty scary. Yeah the snake part. Yeah fucking freaking out saw that guy in the subway wants from the warrior. He's the warrior. Yeah. So Red Dawn we were going to the movies and my dad and my brother who is three years older than me went to see Red Dawn but I was deigned to Young. So I went to see chronic it for like the fifth time in the theater. This has been movies were in the theater for like a year like a hit movie. So the karate kid came out with my mom crying kid came. Out a year before Top Gun. So you might remember I find tell you in my childhood that they were in theaters at the same time because gratitude such a hit. It was in a theater for so long and then Top Gun starter than Top Gun was it I may have flipped those chronologically, but I don't think so. This is the Christmas episode folks. We are all over the place. All right. So now we're gonna get into a bunch of random shit about the worst parts of Christmas. All right, stay tuned folks if there's a Halloween seen in the Carotid. Grunting is a Christmas scene. Oh, yeah, when the skeletons yeah, it's Halloween. I know I'm saying when the skeletons when the skill they dress up his health. I know what they have seen the film. I'm trying to remember because I don't watch it every fucking then he can't from Rita juncos and he said I guess 55 year old man. He beats the shit out of my vagina. So when he was are repercussions 20 years younger than time. No repercussions. I need your opener. So okay La bruja guatita. Probably pretty offensive the way I pronounce that right there, but I hope not says that she hates the Elf on the Shelf garbage and the movies for it are worse. I don't know we've got to be off on the Shelf phenomenon. We don't have to do it. We do it. We don't have one we got gifted it and it's the were somebody else got gifted it. No, it's the worst gift that's ever happened to her house because motorist lime. Actually you contradict yourself my God. Now, what do you think Johnnie Cochran? How do you Johnnie Cochran you just fucking close the case on my ass if you hate yourself, it ain't the elf. Boom doesn't even make any sense Nate. We said boom and then realized I'd like to retract that. Yeah. Did I say boom? I don't even know what I'm saying it one. Look nobody likes the Elf on the Shelf. So somebody here says do we do it with let's explain what Elf on the Shelf is because everybody knows no, no. No, they don't Erica not says my mother-in-law gifted my kids in elf. So in Elf on the Shelf is like an emissary from the North Pole is definitely a mirror. It's definitely in the u.s. It's not it's not everywhere else gives a fuck. We're in the US. Yeah, like I love other way. Other people that don't people understand that we talk about the things that are fucking relevant to our lives asking I'm asking you to fucking explain I think finding again, it's an emissary from the fucking North Pole that the the Gambit is that the elf is in the home of all the kids who may or may not be naughty and he's watching spying on behalf of Santa to help well formed and this is why snottiness yes, I mentioned earlier the naughty/nice list. So the alpha supposed to like Watch the kids. So one night the office on the fucking shelf staring at the kids and then the next night the office like in your pillowcase and you're supposed to move it every night. Look, I'm just saying I don't have one. I assume it's a fucking trick you talking about it you Bill first of all this so just as a pervert. Let's take a step back. This is a book that somehow there was a book. Yeah. This is a whole. There's a whole. This is a book that then became because when the u.s. Merch and so what happened the rest of the country hates merchandise, it's called fucking Euro Disney says it exists. It sure does. Yeah, and it's Magical Kingdom. So the Magical Kingdom The Elf on the Shelf is a book that then became a doll and the whole point of it is so the book was transformed into a dolphin by like a witch exactly know the doll becomes basically sits on sits in your house. And the whole point is its supposed to watch over. He's it doesn't watch over you. It's spies on you're Has to be able to think you re supposed to use this Elf on the Shelf to like be like wait, were you not good because Alpha shelf can move second nanny cam, but now as a parent you got a fucking move that thing every night but no one does people do if you're one of those parents that successfully moves a thing every night you re-evaluate your priorities your kids if they but fucking believe in the Elf on the Shelf, they'll be cool with it being like, oh, he didn't move one night, you know deal with it, you know, Ryan 8. I put it I put it right on my son's face you Attach it to his face. Yeah, and then and then every every night like an alien. Oh, you know what? Yeah, so every night it would finding it seed in your son so that it can infect the rest of the crew. Yeah. No. No, it's hand button that she'll put I put its little hand in. My son's lip. I would watch an Elf on the Shelf alien mashup. Yeah, whereas like an elf and it it suction itself to your face and implants. So here's what we would do. I would em in every night. The Prometheus self would be free elf elf would be in a different. Spot in the house and every morning I would wake up on my son's face you just so you that's how you parent motherfuckers pretty good. That's pretty good. Is he terrified of elves and also you guys honestly we haven't seen in a long time. He's been in his room under the bed. So Gehrig and Sarah cannot says that that my her mother-in-law gave her the often our kids still love them years later, but he's a lazy off which is the thing you can do right these days the upstate so supposedly there's somebody told me there's like a lazy gnome which is like the antidote to the owl. You can just have a gnome that you'd be like he's watching you, but you don't really give a shit W underscore Colin says Elf on the Shelf is the fucking worst. Like let's just add a reason to argue with the wife. Yeah, exactly. That's it. Did you move the Elf on the Shelf now, did you do not did you know I was too busy doing this. So, where are you? Because guess what? Can I tell you one of the worst? I didn't move the most passive aggressive things that I do with my wife is so okay. We're going to start with her. First okay, one of the the obnoxious passive-aggressive things. She does is she will say we in regard to a chore that is really just mine. Oh, we should really do this and she's really just telling you should really cut the tree. Yeah cut the bottom. We should really saw the bottom of the tree off tomorrow when we have a chance. So we we so what I do sometimes is she'll ask me if I have done something. I'll say no. Did you such a dick like you take the garbage out? No, did you it's really fucking That it's pretty pet and you know what? That's what I enjoyed every time honestly, that's what marriage is based on she called me out on it recently. She was like, you know, what you doing that I know what you did. She's basically like I know what you're doing, and I don't appreciate I see you. Kkw 27 says Elf on the Shelf if I could go back in time and that might be in the top five things. I would change. I don't know if she's saying she would change ever introducing it into her into her house or if she would change its exist. It's not that would you go back and murder the person is created Elf on the Shelf to prevent the world from being Afflicted. This is a strong the you do it. Obviously we're having a good time here. No, we having a really bad day. I'm pretty sure my God you almost getting a series of Water bottles. Would you just say you heard what the fuck? You just say? Sorry. I didn't mean to bring up a water bottle water bottles job Ian water bottles pts. David S water bottles. We're going to start calling you Pete as water bottles. So Elf on the Shelf is really not that bad. They're an idiot. Everybody hates Elf on the Shelf. It's a pain in the ass who moves it you or your wife I do. Yeah, right. I just thought I don't know. I just I come. Home and I just do it nobody's that serious about this shit which is bitching know. I know I would have program. I'm sorry. You're breaking a realize character. We started realize start away on me. All right, let's go. Keep going out all this time. It's pending with me is really darkening your heart and you don't like it shit. My Sheila life says that watching everyone gets so freaking stressed out over gifts as the worst part. Yeah, because that's because she's not buying any one. Well, you know, she is buying him. You should know you're saying that yeah, she's just watching it. Back like with her. Yeah. She is pretty lazy might be life, please. You know what get off your ass my shitty life. You just got fucking roasted by Pete as pumpkins. What was it pts water bottles? Yeah penis but shallow says he doesn't like Gatherings of more than 8 people. He is a very small family but his wife has a huge Irish one and it's too much. So these two things go hand in hand for me. I have a really small family. We have like me my three brothers and my parents and then our respective spouses our girlfriends or whatever and that's about it. My wife has a big family. So like I will say that it gets it can get a little boring like the the holidays when I go to Connecticut. It's just kind of the same people all the time. It's not a lot of new blood and not a ton of people. So it does get a little bit from one of my friends from the neighborhood or whatever. Sometimes I'll pop by and stuff but I don't have I don't live with the care about signs the kind of oxides. Yeah. Well Trump 2020 people actually attracts people and where my parents are from. My parents are not shrimpers. Okay Boomer they're not. Okay. Anyway, I'm saying that the like it gets a little boring. But yeah. Having tons of people can be overwhelming as well. And what we have done is just to avoid we didn't have a lot of people but like buying for everybody is annoying. So we've done like a everybody picks a name. So like every couple gets another couple to buy for so you don't buy for all five. You just buy for one and do that kind of thing. So that might make things easier for you my Sheila life or for your friends. Yeah, because Pete doesn't think that you actually play any part. Yeah. I think you're pretty much not Paula Paula ski says the worst of the expense of Christmas when you have a big family plus all the other people like Teachers Day Care you have any problem you have to pay teachers. Let me teachers have a really hard job as a parent your kids. I'm so nervous. I get happy to do that. Yeah, me too whenever someone's like hey, we should I'm not saying it's not a pain in the ass this time. Let's try agree with Paul, but it's not like you don't do it bus driving a little something something. Oh my god, dude, I gave him a fucking full pound of weed. He was so happy was he is illegal in New York? Mmm, right your kids go to school in Massachusetts. I forgot. Well the thing is he just he had just finished. Giving me the weed and then I gave it back to him. That's right. Get all - yeah, that's why I give all my Paul doesn't also also doesn't like hearing Christians music and in every overly crowded store. I went to Macy's this weekend to bring my kids to see Santa in Herald Square like the flagship Macy's in the center of Manhattan. Here's what we would understand you can make a reservation online. It was saves your life. You don't have to wait in line. It's expressed you go right through you missed the line where like you can see like the trains and Santa Land, but you see Um of that anyway, no, not this year gone fucking right through when right through so I'll Santa my three-year-old was super excited like bouncing up and down to meet Santa my nine-year-old was like, that's a fake beard. Right? So we're like shocked shut your mouth. Shut your fucking you fucking jerk at the beach hates. When way too late Christmas gifts and toys and activity sets that aren't close to age-appropriate. I don't know way too late Christmas gifts means but I do know what it's like to have like a family member by your kid something that is like three years younger than the kid what well so that my 12 year old now, my parents would always get close or always do get clothes those so they would get clothes for my daughters and I guess my son not really my son but my daughters and now my 12 year olds like No more classes. They have terrible taste. Yeah, let me choose my own click. I don't need another jumping bean like love T-shirt with like like in Christmas story where the kid? Where's the bunny suit that ever happened? Something like embarrassing. You don't remember that from a Christmas wondering what happened? Why are you get the sense him like a pink bunny suit in the dad makes them are the mom makes him put it on and it seemed in November where the last thing it's a classic. I think he looked pretty hot in it. All right, so it's It is Doogie Howser. No, I almost brought it up. Like if you if dukey's ankles are in the mix. It's just game over man. What up, dude? He's wearing jeans. He wears jeans. Doesn't he? I only remember one booty house. Boohoo. He do he has ever said anything like a plate because he for whatever reason he gets sent from his private school or the doctor the hospital works at and he has to go to a public school a genius. He has to go to a public school for whatever reason the the princess the epidermis of the episode not Show know the premise the high-concept premise of the show is that he's a genius Dieter. He's 11 years old. There's an episode where he has to spend the day at a public school or whatever and he's such a nerd and a genius that everyone picks it up and he gets in a fight and it's like 3 o'clock. I asked to go fight and during the fight. He liked the guys bigger than him and he's overmatched and he like does he fucking knows if I fucking hit your cochlear? Whatever you need a huge, um with the fucking strongest part of my hand and fucking you get dizzy and then I could get it. Remember my know what you're saying LP know you have any Wanda never thought Wanda was worthy of a crush not as good-looking as Winnie and I wasn't even in a Winnie from The Wonder Years not any either of them that was a little garbage. But have you you're in of those have you heard about this? Nine-year-old? Who's graduating college? No, I feel sorry for him. Yeah, he's in nine years old the Netherlands reason like, what's he doing with his life? Whatever the fuck he want now not true. No, really part of the system now. No, it's quite amazing speaking of do you Hazard? I'm proud of years old. He's graduating. Do you have this not nine years old. I know. He's 3 years to fuck's sake do this is like, all right, so we're done. Okay, so so been teeny 80 who I feel like deserves the last word because sent so many fucking words. I mean, he's up honestly like have some self awareness about how much you're sending me in the car. Let's hear it. Let's hear it paints a sport. We find that she says okay. I love Christmas in theory the parties the lights the festive nature of it all yes, but getting gifts for my kids and my extended family teachers Etc is extremely stressful and time consuming. I'm always up late Christmas Eve wrapping and organizing and I'm exhausted on Christmas day. It's a lot of effort and build up for just one day and then poof it's all over and that's just garbage day. Excuse me in Canada and the UK you call that box. Someday, which is actually the best fungus in Holiday. Yeah, it's such a hot baggage. You just all you don't be do boxing day you sit around your pajama. You know what that should be that should be the day after the Super Bowl the United States. You know what it's like it's as close to Thanksgiving as you can possibly get really except for the know. They have Thanksgiving. You're embarrassing not UK. You sound believes you ever lived there. Alright, so we do a little segment called the listeners reactions to our dumb Insight which is sponsored by Kinder. Perfect this week. You can go to Amazon and use the code 20 off dad's to get this Cards Against Humanity for parents card game, or you can go to 25 Daddy. It's at Kinder perfect. And you know what? We have a good time playing it. It's really fun. Yeah, we played a lot. I played all the time, so I want to start. Sarge's comment. Oh you do you yeah, I want you to he's also he's totally stealing my kids fucking shit. I can see right here. You're stealing my nickname that I created for my son. So, you know what you should you should address are directly. I haven't even read this comment. I'm reading it for the first time right now. Joseph died chasing one of our beloved patrons. I literally he's in the physiology Hall of Fame. He's on the mountain Russia's the OG haven't heard from a lot lately. I know baby it was he knows he's crossed the line. He says so I'm going back one episode. My son calls himself jackhammer your son calls himself jackhammer. It's convenient. Therefore. I did not Jack Mike's nickname for his son. We've talked about this before your son told me that your son's nickname is the hammer. So my oldest son nicknamed his younger brother the hammer when before he was born because he was upset that I was going to have a younger brother and he want to know if he can name them and we said, what do you want to name? He said toilet. We said you can't name him toilet. And I said you can help come up with a nickname and he said how about hammer? And I said that is fucking awesome. I am. Refer to him as the hammer that is not how I refer to my kid in real life though sometimes right? So he says I am merely honoring you gentlemen in your brilliant. First of all. I-i'm really honoring you gentlemen in your brilliant ideas of naming your children and wives instead of using their real names. Could we hold up for a second? Pete? Its Collective does its name elective? It's absolutely shit. I came up with mergers and Acquisitions for your daughter after you use that a bunch. I used it a million. Yes, I know but you weren't like this should be her nickname. How about this my oldest my middle and my youngest that's the same openness is what he's but this is the opposite of what he's praising us for. It's the opposite. It was that just the creativity is just pouring out his kid. So Sarge look, we appreciate you obviously. Credit where credit's due this guy brings fucking when it comes to nicknames the nothing to the table. We're gonna come up with I hate a bunch of nicknames for my stupid kids. I hate laundry and dishes right kids where those are my silent jobs and they won't get done. If I don't do them same I've tried the waiting game, but I lose every time because shit piles. Hi same. I think my wife uses the excuse that she cooks and birth to our children, so I have to do some fucking work Cooks. And birth are our children. Yeah. She did she cook your children Sarge shims kiss syntax is important phrasing chefs get phrasing. There you go phrasing. All right. So Jason Thomas, we alluded to earlier who is giving us some shit because we appreciate our patrons and the people that spend some time to send some money to us. You know, what well, yeah, exactly. And Jason the other day was was talking about ungrateful taking but I think that was our Thanksgiving episode is our Thanksgiving so he was annoyed that he Memorize any memorized all of the patron patreon patrons names and I think that you should you know, what you got a pretty good memory there Jason. I am a proud of you for being able to do that and I we would invite you on to in real time or set all those names and let's see how close your eyes and come down for when is that the fucking easiest thing in the world to remember? Is it Desiree kissling my no idea if that's even right. There's a Monica on there. Yeah. What else we got? We got Julia McCarthy Joseph diet it can I Name them all for you Jason you happy are you just reading you reading from not reading anything you're reading from your brain. I wasn't reading from my brain you doing that's not what it looks like to the side and think I have a photographic memory. No I'm saying you reading from your did you ever watch a Quantum Leap? I fuck Sam Beckett. Why have they what happened to Donald be Bella sorrow do sir? That's who you're worried about. Yeah, you're right. Yeah to was this Murder She may canal. Nate doesn't know you anyway why have they not how have they not remade Quantum Leap for like HBO or like I don't fucking listen to me. They may like the FX version of Quantum Leap where it's like you can swear a little bit. It's a little bit grittier and he's jumping in because he says oh but look that was the kind of show where that show comes on. I'm like, oh, I don't like this episode and then I watch the next two minutes and I'm like, I'm hooked in like though. This premise is stupid. Then you watch two minutes you ever and hook do you ever watch the episode where he Meets the devil. Yes kind of woman Gary who's the woman there was an episode we like the woman who was like an evil leaper. You remember that one? No, I just use short hair. No, I remember the one where very low almost with an order where the devil was like you think you can leap through time and he I've seen that one. There was an episode. He's that got a bar and it may be the devil was the bartender maybe something like that great fucking show by the only guys Let's justlet's 2019 the 2020s. What's next decade called the 20s? It's not the Roaring Twenties. What is it the boring fucking 20s? All right, you know what? I think we nailed it. This episode was a little bit off the wall and I blame you. Okay. Well good. You shouldn't a roofie. Good job. Yeah, you know what? You need a good Roofing Kinder. Perfect 20 off Dad's on Amazon. I've Daddy. I was Kinder. Perfect. We love you one doesn't work one place switch it around. Thank you very much figured out. This was a bit of a few went to college. I see shit show, but we love it and every minute of it. Happy New Year. We'll see you next time.
Why are toys hard?!! You know those toys we're talking about. The ones that kids wont' stop asking for and that require 30 mins of your time to set up, they play with for 20 mins and 30 mins of cleanup? In these divided times I think we can all agree that toys shouldn't need any adult supervision, right? Who's with me?! Viva La Revolution!! Mike and Pete get into it. 