What's up fam dead and buried here to let you know that if you haven't heard about anchor it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain it's free. There's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and anchor will distribute your podcast for you. So it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many more you can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. Have we made any money? Keep we make money hand over fist through anchor. Hello did oh, no, did I just bought a boat? It's everything you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the anchor app are going to Anchor dot. F m-- to get started. It was the best of times it was the worst of times. It was bedtime. That's our topic tonight guys back in this edition of the dead and buried show want to thank everybody who's been supporting us on patreon. Especially Barbara Geiger, who is Patron number three Barbara. We appreciate you very much. You cannot you can subscribe to our support us on patreon. Anchor you can listen to us on iTunes Spotify anywhere your podcast and you can watch us and subscribe to us on YouTube where you can also speak about particular episode since there they live separately under there and you can comment. We got a couple of comments on their last time. I'm sure there's a there's a lot of stuff to say about bedtime and bedtimes and and yeah good times and the bad times that go with bedtime bedtime is the ultimate parenting and game. That's what you always have some weird. Announcement where you you have to say like something is the ultimate or the final frontier or the end games or hissing? You know, what everything cool it with the superlatives. Everything is binary in my mind. There's only like it's everything is finite. Did you have superlatives in high school? Like prettiest eyes are most likely to succeed or that shit and you like your book? Oh you went to your in England. You know what that is. We didn't have one of mine either so good story. Let's tear more of this great conversation when we get back. Yeah right after this. Hey, Mike, have you heard of Spotify before? I have heard of Spotify? Really? Yeah, because on Spotify you can listen to all of your favorite artists and podcasts in one place for free. You don't even need a premium account Spotify is a huge catalogue of podcast on every topic including the one you're listening to right now here. We were having a normal conversation and I thought I knew more about Spotify. We're on Spotify. You can follow your favorite podcast. So you never miss an episode premium users can download episodes and listen offline. Ever you are and easily share what you're listening to with your friends on Instagram. I'm on Instagram. Are you on Instagram? Get out of here? If you haven't done so already be sure to download the Spotify app search for dead and buried on Spotify or browse podcast in the your library tab. Also, make sure to follow me and Pete so you never miss an episode of the dead and buried show. All right, welcome back everybody. As I said at the top this week, we'll be discussing bedtime. I got a lot of comments people are passionate about bedtime and it's in its trappings. I don't see why no me neither but we're going to get into that before we get into that. I want to talk about a little something that happened to me. This weekend went on a date with the missus. I was going to say does your wife know with with Mom and buried we sprung for a sitter? Mmm, and we decided to go see a new film. I said it's captivated the nation known as us Jordan peels latest in the director director of get out. Okay, and I'm not going to critique the film. There's a lot to get into with that a lot to chew on. Okay, was it as good as the other it's much kind of sloppier like broader like get out was very kind of singularly focused and thematically fucking pure and this is kind of the metaphor kind of spreads out and it's a broader thing. It was good. I liked it a lot to talk about afterwards. The fun part so we went to one of those Pub and Cinema joints where you can order food and drinks while you watch the film. So annoying those things now, they're playing good because it's One-Stop shopping for a date which is good for us because right we don't have a shit out of cash to spend. We got our cheapest possible babysitter and we took one train One-Stop did that and went for a drink afterwards? It's all fucked. No, that's fine. Talk to your wife because you're watching a movie but for those things when they bring it to you on those tiny little yeah is and you're trying to eat like a ham. Burger and well, we had them split it right. We we split the Fried Chicken sangui. Totally fucking wow. That is a good. Yeah, that's good. And we got we got cheesy tater tot appetizer. Okay, and what they have is they have a whiskey float, which I did not get this is Nighthawk Cinema in Park Slope where they have one in Williamsburg. This is the places in Brooklyn when I was a kid, they had a Milford Pub and Cinema in the offerings. It was a hot dog in the but the other thing is the if you get a beer or two beers. Yeah, then you You got to pace yourself in terms of when you have to go the bathroom. They don't know dude. I have I'm the worst when it comes to go to the bathroom for movies. I will go before the movie then I'll sit down and right before the movie starts like especially if I've seen the previews already or what are else. I'll run out. You know, I don't have to go to my psychological pissed. Yeah, because I'm just so fucking paranoid. Yeah drinking beer. I stopped drinking beer before movies because I know that's going to happen. Yeah, but you like beer I do like beer me and my friends asked we do drink a lot of beer like I used to like beer I still like beer but yes. So there's also an app called run P which tells you specifically when and where right? All right wearing what point in the movie you can like Risk leaving. That's it. Exactly like a logical though to just be happy. He look at it beforehand and it gives you like verbal cues or action incident you gotta remember that and then you're tied that hard and you know, what guess what I fucking remember it, but I didn't have having to go I had a couple of beers but I made it through good for you. The film was captivating. Anyway, we went to a bar afterwards and while we're at the bar afterwards. Our drinks I'm yawning a little bit. You know, why because it's fucking I don't know 10:30 11:00 on Saturday night and I have children and I'm tired and there's nothing left to talk about isn't it? I mean that my wife actually said that exact thing we've run out of things to talk about and like you said that every fucking time maybe we should get that on the list of things were done talking about anyway, so say there I'm yawning. I'm yawning because I'm tired. I'm a human being in my early early 30s and I have a handful of children. Your medical Marvel is what you write. I am but she like takes offense to it. She's like, oh am I boring? Oh, you're not having a good time and also like oh, you can't like I'm like, I can't help yawning. Yeah, right like even if I'm not tired, I could see Nate over there Ian. It would make me on right. It's like that's a reflex other physiological reaction to the state of my body. Having a good time so you don't want to go home yet, right, you know, although this conversation is making me want to go home honey, but you're sitting there at the bar looking around the room looking for people yawning find someone to yawn and then they are yawning. And then I'm saying look look that person just Yawn is a chain reaction and then hoping my wife eons, right? And then here you guess what and just got fucked everyone in the bar right on yawnfest speaking of yawnfest. This story's pretty good better than your pants story from a Few weeks ago just saying parenting is tiring work. It is tiring and that's not you know, who's not tiring for kids the kids especially at bedtime, especially at bedtime because no one wants to be awake more when you are desperate for them not to be to go to bed. And you know, why someone wrote a book about it called go the fuck to sleep. That's not why it is why of course it's why because the one writing the book is why no one writes an internationally acclaimed best. Killer number one in every single parents Library some not mine. Don't own it. I'd not neither do I know I don't know write it all out of jealousy because I could have been that could have been my book and when Sam Jackson reads it is. Yeah, I've heard back to that as I've heard visit. Well, he's good at saying the f word he's certainly is and that book is fatherhood is what I meant by that the f word you really really landed that joke. Thank you. Yeah, I came up with it. I was on the fly but bedtime is is This is what every year ago works for I love it wears them every time I've talked about it being kind of some sort of event horizon or some wow, major Milestone. It's all about getting the kids to bed. Well, so what we're going to get into and we have a little bit of a disagreement on what every parent lives for we're going to get into that in a minute. So I know what you're saying obviously bedtime is a daily part happens of the parenting equation. Never gets any easier every once while you get lucky, I'm 12 years in and it's still the worst. There's a lots of different bits and pieces to it. Lots of rituals that that every family has every kid has even specific rituals based on the kids. It starts when you know, when they're newborns, you know bedtime happens constantly over and over throughout the day, but that whole thing the Sleep routine sucks, but you know that right you going in your like you have no Illusions about what its gonna be like with a newborn right? It's when they start to get older that that you actually actually more have to really do real things. It's just a manifest. Yeah, right. You have to a lot of times you give them a bath before bed. Do you do that? Oh, yeah, even now to this day. Yes A hundred percent. It's the we have a very it's a smelly, you know, we do a specific routine of bed that in the bath. Yeah, that's pretty unconventional it is yes in our households you wake up a Twitter everybody go to bed to everything. All right. You know, there's like the Army. Yeah, you know I got caught there was a great helping you get in the bath reeks in here. Ya know that that bath really does it soothes it Sue's them I think the back is it does not suit you I know you have big problems with bath time when you're when you got a bunch of people in the bath and the but bunch of kids. Yeah. Well, this is getting dicey. Okay, let me let me try and let me figure out my way out at leaving Neverland. Yeah, let me try and figure my way out of this. My point is is you have kids or splashing around yelling fighting that and they're supposed to be I need them just to be bathed go through the process so I can get them into. Yes. Yama's so I can get them ready for bed. Well, here's the thing. Right? So like story time you want you want bedtime to be like a winding down process. I said, I've Canadian friends who say process and I've started to say a my wife called me. I don't know what you say process. That was funny. I love well, that's right. I forgot to pretend to see where he loved it. Anyway, so you want to be a winding down process like you have dinner you do whatever you're going to do and then it's bedtime is going to be all right, everybody start to you know, Fade to Black. Let's fucking slowly get you guys ready except instead. It doesn't matter if it's if it's bath time or if you're watching a show with the kids or whatever started to show my kid The Simpsons. Yeah before bed little some of us a little dicey for for an eight-year-old some some real violent moments a lot of blood a lot of blood but My kid, once you show you showed your kid Little Big Trouble in Little China though. So yeah and also Scarface. Yeah, right, but Simpsons cartoon, right? So, you know hit some more scratchy but I gotta care what you're doing. Once you say the words bedtime like my eight-year-old is starts bouncing off the walls right running around hiding, right? All right, come brush your teeth and I'll be in hiding you like this is not the time. I'm not in the mood to play right now because all of your energy from the day is now condensed. Yeah. You asked the last half an hour the last hour the lead-up to bed. Okay, here's good. Is it going to happen? Is it going to be easy? Yeah, right. I've been surviving all day long and they said Daniel like there's the Finish Line you're like this at the end where that's where the pain sets in because you can see the whole yes line. And these little shits will extend that got every minute it gets delayed the more furiously. It's like they have the tape the ticker tape that you need to break through and they're running they keep running away from you. So what's funny is in They know what they're doing. Right like because to them it doesn't even matter what they're doing as long as they are still awake still away, right? They just want to delay it right so somebody referred to it as dawdling kid dawdling, which I thought was pretty funny and a lot of people were talking about the same exact scenario where the kids stalling so it's bitchy. Mom reads called it kid dawdling quirky ziggs called it stalling you calling her a bitch mom. Yeah bullshit. Look the tone of her comment was pretty bitchy know her username was bitchy mom. Reads, okay, which I mean I guess good for you reading fundamental and lilz. Lilz. Mom said they're slower than a sloth and they are like they will just just just move as slowly as possible refuse to do all the little things they have to do like like my least favorite part I think is teeth brushing like the pre of the pre bedtime ritual. We don't do bass and night all the time or often. You know, my kids cares. Maybe when you hit puberty would do some bad. Sorry about smelling things seems like a bit. Of the projection. We got a lot of Lysol and Febreze right? So for Breeze now if I mean I can't smell them anymore. I don't know. It's the school's problem most the time but the toothbrushing to me is infuriating because I stopped kind of holding my kids hand when he was six actually brushing and I've stopped like helping him brush his teeth when he was 6 and apparently I did a shitty job of it because he is so bad at it does the they just put the toothpaste in then spit it right out. Of sometimes they the toddler will just suck it up dude. Like this is gross and I have an electric one for my eight-year-old. He doesn't know what he's doing. We'll just put it there. He does nothing. He doesn't even it's just it just it watching him is like I'm torn between do I want to teach him now and delay things or do I not and I always say no, I don't that's what you'll learn, you know Dentures when you're 20, you know, it's your prom and then he's then they spit into the sea. And who was it that said and it's funny because this guy was like dkc $12.99 which sounds like George Lucas film said always lose blue always leaves blue toothpaste in the sink. I'm like I use Bluetooth it my kids use blue tooth paste to my son doesn't kick to just eat but little does little bit Yeah at the slope of the sink just lean forward and spit right into the water dipshit. I know they can't they can't even they can't even do that. So that's and you're supposed to know you supposed to help your kids floss or your kisses the dentist gives Kitt I'm like I can't even get my kid to brush his teeth. Do you think I can't even get myself to floss right? I'm gonna hold the posture for my kid. He's not self-sufficient. Let's just be honest. Well should be if you were if I was like if he was Amish sounds a little kid would be fucking dominating it a lot of this is resonating with me to I think there's it gets that you mentioned the The Walking slow. So we have stairs in our permanent sort of weight snap snap Town. Yeah, that's that's how I that's how every single A person listening. Yeah, read that comment. Really you being a snob. Okay. Well the reason why I was saying we have stairs in our house is because when the kids go down the stairs it takes someone step every oh no shit one step every Friday, they stopped and like turn around and like gasping stop and then I'll be doing something in the kitchen come around and then look and know that they are right there Step 4. So you just assumed as anyone would they're considering their water down the stairs their teeth. Oh, they're just Just stop it there delaying every hour and I'm asking what are you doing? Oh, well, I just had to check if this one if my Koosh ball could hit the Wall come down and then I could catch it valid on the stairs actually sounds this that's kind of fun. Well, I'd be into that trust me once they're in bed. I'm on stare for trying it and I nailed it. Yeah, that's nice work nice work. But that's what I'm saying. Right? They'll do anything it even if it's absolute bullshit and they know it's bullshit. Right? So it's one thing when it's like a Toddler so I have a toddler now and we'll bring him to his bed. He has to have all his stuffed animals, which a lot of times it's like oh shit, you know, where's the little dog? Yes last night. So he's so obsessed. My favorite is when they hide it they hide it somewhere around the house and then they complain where is it? Look after your shit are then you ask your wife. Why don't you know, you're the person supposed to know where things are. Yeah, whether it's yours or not wife, right? Right. Exactly. Yeah the 21st century. Probably the practically 20. Where are my shoes? What do you mean find your own shoes? Why did I got married? So you would tell me where my shit is right God so you like your your wife literally won the lottery. I agree. You know, I mean be great. She is she's hit the jackpot. Yeah. So my toddler last night, he's obsessed with his new space shuttle. It's not even new. We got it at a Aerospace Museum in DC like a few years ago, and he's obsessed with it now randomly from past couple days. So he has to have all his Stuffed animals and last night he had to have his space shuttle, which he couldn't find when she's telling us his other places and I'm running upstairs looking in every room and then it ends up just being under his pillow where he is literally sitting. Yeah, as we're driving around on the scavenger hunt for it, but there's always stuff like that. Like he'll want to he wants extra kid can't even read. He doesn't even want me to read to him. He just wants books in his bed, right? Not that one not that one different one different one and then my eight-year-old who forgets his book upstairs. Let me just go get it. Who knows how long he's gonna be left upstairs and he goes and does that because I'm not going up there again stairs are treacherous on the sayaka. I've have a four-year-old and I time box it I say you picked up look timebox. Yeah. I say you have I'm going to I have this you have this much time in which I'm going to read. You need to pick a book and I'm going to read it. If you've also time, I don't know what to tell you. You're going to pick a Moby Dick not gonna happen overnight. You don't you couldn't even pronounce have to I don't even know ya any of the words that are on I can Call me Ishmael. Okay, you smell let's to opening lines. I've done from classics of literature. I did the best of times the worst of times and call me Ishmael. Congratulations. All right, last week was Twin Peaks this week gets literature. Wow, fucking well-rounded. I'm a renaissance man. Yeah, especially in the self-congratulations. Yeah. Well, you know what, it's all part of it. It's all part of it. So it's funny because today one of the reasons I was a little bit late for the podcast was because my toddler demanded I read him like four books. He wasn't even going to bet. Yeah. Right. So here's the thing about it though. I left before bedtime. So like my wife will Lord that over me like I did bedtime all by myself last night because we know it's a nightmare. It's one of the worst worst aspects of it. But you know, what's even worse is when you have two there's the both of you are putting the kids to bed and one is in a good mood and one is not in a good way. Oh, yeah. Well, I'm usually the one that a good thing. Yeah. I mean it kind of goes between That my household but sometimes I'll be having fun, you know, okay, come on, and then I'll year get your you know, oh, yeah, and it's why are they not in bed you I would have put him in the bed, you know ya know and I'm like, well, I'm just having I'm just talking with them or Hannah. No, I've got it. We're trying to watch a movie up here exhausted. They're going to be exhausted and I have to deal with it. Oh that shit here. We're going to get into one of this husband and wife. They should be trading cards the currency, right? We have a whole we have a whole Riff on that. That we're getting to it's a whole separate episode. We want to lose. Most of our female followers will get into that. Right? We yeah, we want to take your phone all the way down to zero. Yeah, we're getting there were getting there. So the what's funny is Karen in Star. I'm assuming that's her name said that one of the things her toddler will do is ask for an extra kids and mine does the same thing to we're all like leave the room and they sleep downstairs. I'll go upstairs and I'll start calling me back because he needs another kiss then I'll go back there. He'll need one for Mommy and I'll go up there. I'll go be like she's Coming she's not coming I go up there and I'll be like honey kiss. You want to just feel like I should be like fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck you. Yeah for delivering that exact tension. Fuck you for impregnating me with that. He'll spot right there. It's a lot of the time it's like that seemed from 300 where the messenger gets. This is Sparta. I've never seen that it's okay look stupid. It is stupid. Zack Snyder. His movies are garbage. I love Hot how I love how like Mindless it is. Yeah. Well, he destroyed Superman. So like I can go to hell anyway, so she said that she ends up feel like an asshole because she gets mad at them for wanting extra kisses. My wife gets mad at them for any extra. She doesn't feel like an asshole about just fine with it. Yeah, I feel like an asshole. Sometimes they're like, you're just like, you know, sometimes you're going down there and he just trying to get out of it and they're being kind of cute and like this. You know, what? This is I'm Gonna Miss This sometimes. No, I don't feel that way. I should feel that way. Like I'm going to miss this some time. This is the moment you should treasure know in the moment itself. You don't really think like that after the fact maybe you do and you prep yourself maybe for like the next day. Oh, I'll read them an extra book. It's good for Miss is such a tender moments. Fuck that. I want to get upstairs and get my bourbon going and watch John Oliver you watch John Oliver. I do it's great. He's leaving. How do you enjoying your bubble? You're liberal. Bubble. I love it. I need to it is good Conseco V. It is comfy. Cozy comfy cozy, man. You're welcome. I can't speak. So we're your kids the same when they were younger when they were when they were babies through toddlers. No, no, they're quite different meaning already one's a toddler now one's 8, so no Gap, but what from a sleep perspective was one always a pain in the ass to put to sleep and and then they change or was once a really good to sleep both been pretty good at like sleeping through the night early, you know, we did cry it out. Come at me fucking work like a charm. I did try it. I love it. We'll do that. We'll do that some episode people love getting I'm getting mad about that. That's true. Can we even put that on you? I but I think I just blanked it out of my memory because like I said, they are good at going to sleep. And for the most part staying asleep overnight except as we talk about the co-sleeping episode my eldest. It's gotten to the point where he will come up. He tries to get into our bed right? Sometimes it's like 5:30 in the morning, which we've actually been like fine. Like if you wake up at like 5:30 or 6:00 fine, right? But other times if it's like midnight will bring them back down, which is Hell on Earth the toddler although he now has a daybed in somebody here. Is that what it's called we converted his crib into a toddler bed and somebody here my peanut Adventures, who's it was a loyal follower. Thank you said the one of the worst Parts is the transition from the crib into a real bed, which I have experienced recently because you go from like having them enclosed in a cage. Yep to them being able to get out and come upstairs. Oh shit, just the other night. This wasn't even my toddler the other night, Mommy very and I stayed up a little bit later than normal but wish to say it's like midnight when we're like lying in bed and like saying just having her final conversations or whatever in the lights are out and you're not home, right? You know that song and All of a sudden we hear know we don't all we don't hear any noise. We just here. I've been spying on you might like an eight-year-old Stan. I could even see him just standing in the room. I mean, I guess I scared and angry at the same time. I'm like, what are you doing and 1 million percent what he was doing was assuming we would be asleep. He wanted to coming up here and then he could sneak into bed right after we have we fallen asleep. So my toddler doesn't do that because you made sure he knows he knows. Even that like we remove the bar from his bed, but he finds it spooky right? He can't he's a little behind on speech right? So when he says he doesn't like he goes like to indicate that something spooky. It's fucking adorable as fuck. It's amazing, but he's terrified but he'll say he won't come but yeah. Is just loving lock it in but he won't come up by himself. He'll come up it's funny because when he does come up, it's because he's following his brother, but when he comes up, he's got all four of his five of stuffed animals in his arms. Yeah coming up the stairs crawling up. But yeah, I mean they look they're probably pretty good. The co-sleeping thing is the only big problem in getting up early lately as well. But I wanted to I wanted to come back to the question I had which is from baby to now have they always He's been a pain or have they always had the same tree, you know traits like have they been good sleepers or bad? Because you know like years and I've gotten progressively worse. My oldest kid. My daughter is 11 almost 12 easily danger zones approaches to put to bed. Well that must be hard when they're very much older forever, but can't you be like for you know, go watch TV all but she's always been always been a really tough. Tough person. She's headstrong bleep. Yeah, I've read we've raised really independent strong-willed children and I went biggest mistake. We've ever 100% we obviously you need weak-willed. I need weak-willed simpletons that you can manipulate and control. Yeah so much better. I've said it before and I'll say it again stupid kids are better. Yeah and every and literally in every way until you're older and they're still living in your basement. I'm pretty sure that's why my wife married me. So just to just to hopefully bring some stupid kids in the equation. Yep backfired. You're welcome. Wow jokes on me or is it wasn't a joke. It was sincere appreciation for you mind your friendship. Yeah, so but my son was didn't sleep the first year didn't really sleep very well at all. And it was going to be the end of everybody because it like colic worst. It wasn't exactly call again together that I guess he didn't nap and then but he did sleep at night, but now he is a good sleeper Maybe. The world champion sleeping he will we will go somewhere will travel and he sleeps and he will be like you say, where's my bed at and we'll just point and he'll that's amazing when they asked to go to bed. I have a question for you and because it is a little bit different for you because your but I deserve your oldest kid is older my oldest kid. I've got right you're paying for on the other end right much as Zuma's Revenge. So what time do your kids go to bed? Because I asked my followers and the thing you learn as I already knew this but it gets backed up by all of them. I get worried that because my kids were getting up at like 5:30, right and I'm like you don't have to be up until like 6:30 at least and on the weekends are going up super early and I'm like, maybe my eight-year-old is like going to bed too early or putting them to bed like 7:45 a time like and and we partially do that because the toddler won't go to bed with us brother now, but I kind of feel like maybe we should let the eight-year-old stay up a little later which I do not want to do for a variety of reasons. We're going to get into but the thing that you learn is it Doesn't matter if the kid goes to bed at midnight. He's still getting up at the crack of dawn at 5:30. Every time I had a meme once that was the greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing you that your kid would sleep in if you let him stay up a little later, which is never the case over the kids not even close and they are there demon children. You know, I hate it. I know a we with our oldest kid, we put her to sleep at, you know, we you know, we would go out we would have fun. Oh, you know, she'll sleep in she note of it. Oh, yeah 30 I think you're tiring them out. Like they all she's gonna sleep and then 11mm iron, they're tired and the whole it's just it's not a good situation for some good parent. Well, now what happens with school in the mix is now they're exhausted in the morning, right? So I am in I've to wait yeah, they won't get up but on the weekends they get up on their own right my two girls will so this one. Say my two girls sleep in the same room when I come in I wake them both. They're both like exhausted. They don't need they hate it. They don't want me to be there. That's it like seven. Clock. Yeah, I'm in their room at 7 o'clock. When the weekend comes I've been spying on you Whispering them when the weekend comes they're up at 6:00 and I ask my daughters like what what is the deal and she says I don't know. I just like the fact that I can get up early and relax you son of a bitch right like you like to get up early and it's like Christmas every day. They don't have school is like Christmas for them right there just like I get like screen time or whatever and for us like this the 6:00 a.m. To 10:00 a.m. Window on the weekend. When we want to try to sleep in is like the most lacks time of the week where they can just if they don't bug us and you do what they can get away with some shitty wire our electrical system. I don't really they can do that. Wow, not just our smart want to do it. They can not solve give him the give him a show. I don't even care. Oh shit. There's OSHA compliant. How many days since the last wiring accident electrical accident too? So, but the The other thing is because they're older they can get up and I don't we don't even have to deal with them until yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's my toddler my four-year-old. He's not a Tavern. Where is he? I don't know what it was preschool preschool. Yeah. I mean think it goes to pre I always say toddler from basically for me from like 1 to 6 is toddler 5 so kindergarten I would say yeah, he's a pre caps. Okay, he's again shout out to my boy because I think he's really he'll get up you met your son when he decided to my boy didn't mean like You know DJ Jazzy Jeff or something. No, not dj. That's not who you're referring to my boy. Yeah, not this time, but he'll come in. He'll read our clock out loud six dot dot o one they said these kids are smart and then I'll dot dot he's guess what silence not looking good for him dot dot so then eyelid so I say you gotta come back at 6.30. Should I stop that? What's that that that that called? You know, what's it called? But if a colon on a clock, I don't know. Is it I guess it's a calling someone a mystery. We're going to find that out. Everybody knows go to YouTube. Yeah in that comment on the episode. What the fuck is the dot dot man antediluvian. We need help here. What's it mean? So so he what I'll say is you got to come back when it's 6.30. You can go to sleep. I don't want to go to bed. All right. Well, you can play or read quietly in your room. And guess what? He does fucking plays a reads quietly in the room. It's really I'm like I said, we're getting it on the back end because we got Up front is a nightmare, but it's like you've gone through the wars. Yeah, I'm still going through nowhere. What will come on up. Oh.well I got it. I just got to say this this last weekend. There was a point in time where my wife had dropped my son off at the library for a playdate. So she was going to go off and go to like do yoga or something. That's something she wanted to do. I was literally with my two girls. They were entertaining themselves. And I was born my own home in my own home in my own apartment and just had this feeling that I hadn't felt in so long, which was what is this? This is I have free to go by yourself. I'm free time to do what I want and I realized what it was it was happiness. So wow. Yeah afterwards. I would like you to tell me a little bit more about what that's like. Yeah. It's been so long why I immediately started journaling. So I went there goes there goes my happiness. So that's what I want to bring up. So earlier you were talking about like the final Tear the Holy Grail whenever you're stupid, all of the superlatives are hyperbole about point you make some pronouncement about the parenting. Yeah, and we've said this before and I'll say it again. The best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup. All right. How did I know? I don't know how you know you grew up in England, so I don't know how you knew that. Anyway, is that Taster's Choice over there with Giles? Nobody knows we're down. Once again Giles from Buffy was in the Taster's Choice commercials. Okay, which I don't even think we're British commercials, but they may have been there. He's a British gentleman. Anyway, so the best part of your parenting day is the two or three or four if you're lucky hours in between their bedtime and your bedtime, which is why getting them to bed is so urgent and which is why when they call you back for another kiss or because See how water yes, you think you're done, but it's gotten to watch for us back you back in for us and this happened last night. Like we know right we're both down there together. We're both giving the kids kisses no matter what we do. We try to head off everything. They ask Yaya last Unitas order. Here's this is always one more thing where they want something and they call you back down. So I like what I like when you call out everything you're doing. This is your last yes worms that you're not coming back. You wanna buy special as your last batch say I'm not coming back. No calling. Yeah. So one person actually said this that it's very annoying that when they For a toy Joe Lieberman said when they want a toy that they can reach themselves literally last night. My kid called me down to turn on the light in the bathroom, which he is like as close to as I am to you, right and I'm like dude I get down there. I'm like what is going on? I can literally like what do you want? Like, I'm not coming back. Although I come back every fucking time and he's like, oh the bathroom light I'm like buddy. If you fucking like leaned over you could just flick it and turn it. It on why do I need to be down here for that bullshit? And then my toddler is I got a shit-eating grin because he knows we did it. We got on the fucking down here again, right and I'm trying to go back upstairs and trying to watch fucking lost boys. That's a quote from Reservoir Dogs and fucking nail it again. I'm back in the saddle with the references. Anyway, we're trying to watch a movie or a show and every time they call you back down time gets it gets cut into so you either have the choice of I'm not gonna be able to fit the whole movie in. We'll split it up our friend. Splits up movies. Sometimes he watches a two-hour movie over three nights. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh my God. That is I know it's tough. But I do it's not a you shouldn't even be watching the movie anyway, so or you're faced with you know what I'm staying. I didn't get the pure unadulterated me time. I wanted or me and my wife time that I wanted so I'm gonna stay up too late. Like I'm going to stay up later than I should show everybody and then no, but then you just you're so desperate for that way. Window of time and the next morning you feel like garbage and it's your kids fault and then it happens all over again sleep deprivation is it's real is a Geneva Accord as if not, I'm not when the Trump Administration is done with it. Okay, putting it out there. Yeah. I know what it said. We're not going to hide anymore. All right. Well, I'm not afraid anymore. Okay, good. That's good you and squee means wait, I like beer. Okay, I dislike Trump. Sorry free country. So, oh, here's what I don't like though. I think we can all agree is when your kid comes up after you've put oh, yeah. Yeah, they kind of the room. So my the this is just an example of the Arsenal that my older daughter has wheels. Yeah is so this is this listen to this. I am listening 20 minutes. Of good night. Okay, 20 minutes every you know, it's when we say to you know, she's coming back up you so just imagine your mindset and your body and your you either just enough to be just about to eat your made it through so, yep. You're just just at that point where you're starting to be like I think we got this guy's. Oh guess who's coming up the stairs? And guess what's happening up? She's in tears because something happened what is with his sister? Nope, my elbow. I can't tell us although I can't or my Nurse they just I can't I keep my socks. My socks hurt. My stomach hurts. My stomach appendicitis really. Have you tried drinking water know what? Why don't you try drinking your fucking water? That's the next to pay ya in the bottle Kerr and now me try that and then come up here and and then she wonders why I don't believe her at all whenever she says The Girl Who Cried cried a my fingers hurt, right? That's a weird one. That's let's never thirst quenching. Yeah, right what I don't care. She knows she'll come up with every single ailment like oh my head. Yeah. So my son and that is just so crutches to imagine that moment where for cure of escaped. And again, we're talking, you know, stardate 12 years in every single night coming up next our date, you know what I mean? Like you want to kind of like every Captain's Log dance log stardate came up again 20 minutes in just To take maker spite of my fucking dinner. Here. She is and I have to do it up put it down to dinner now have to get up and go downstairs. So I got from the readers a list of some of the things that the kids want, right? So they they want to stay up. They want to drink Hillary Jacobson calls it The NeverEnding dehydration. Oh, yeah the water. Well, there we go, the water CW bullets as I'm going to tape a damn hamster bottle to the bed right pretty good idea. They want another book they want a toy. They have to poop that's like you want to get mad at them and I God damn it fuck right like for my toddler who's like learning to be potty trained. What am I going to do? Now? You gotta let us scream in his face and scare them away from pooping for the rest of his life. That's no good, you know dramatize the kids bowel movements again. My four-year-old will get up in the middle of the night and we'll pause it. I just have to he'll use the bathroom. He said he sounds like an old soul. He'll use the bathroom and I have to use the bathroom and then he'll go. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, so sorry. And then and then he would heal do it'll be like three in the morning. Does he wearing a tuxedo and then he'll say yeah, I'm going to need to wipe. So yeah like this guy and he is I haven't seen him in a while man. It's 3:00 in the morning. You just okay. So somebody else said that the late homework need which I haven't run into too much. We're like, you're putting the kids to bed them like oh shit. I gotta build a diorama or I need to bring in Rice Krispies Treats or something tomorrow. Holy shit. It that is Nolan on he said that the inevitable 11th hour. I need blank for school. Dammit. That's a good one. Yeah God. That is a good one. Ah, that is the worst. You don't you finish all your homework, right? Oh, no, I just have four pages of math. Yeah, wait what and it's due tomorrow for it's something that you're tasked with doing like I need to bring in cupcakes or whatever. I forgot to tell you. It's crazy hair day tomorrow exactly and then Brian Gill 21 said stall tactic the thing he hates most of the stall tactics and the outright lead. Eyes, right cuz like that in my fingers hurt or my socks are that bullshit anything they can and then you lose your temper. Now, this is something I never heard of. No, please. I don't know if you have Veronica baloney. I don't know if it's supposed to be very honorable Anya that's virani baloney. I don't know what supposed to rhyme there handle you might want no. No, I got the hand already said know how to pronounce it. She says. If she's upset, she can't sing The Goodnight Song without crying. What's the good night song? I don't know to me. It's like sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite then. Let's go the fuck to sleep obviously, but I really don't know. There's a spoon song. I really like called The Goodnight something can't know the name of it because I don't like it that much but there is I guess I lullaby how old is your kid Ronnie? Belani? Yeah. I don't know Roni bologna bologna. I don't know what that is. I think I want to know shut up. A lot of profanity in The Goodnight song. I'll give a fuck about what you want. So I Furlong said that something that makes bedtime for them so much earlier our melatonin gummies over the counter. Whoa melatonin. That's some that's some special ops shit, right? I get involved not chloroform not even Benadryl for everybody gets all up in arms. Although I'm not opposed to either of those things. No, not at all melatonin gummies, man. Just an all natural get that kid to sleep. Damn, right? Yeah, that isn't even though they must have been through must have been through some shit to finally go to that and been teeny mentions the challenge of when you finally get the kid to sleep in your trying to get out of the room. This is a little bit more. So for toddlers and babies, you know, inevitably your knees crack or the floorboards Creak as you're getting out the door you bump something in the kids back away because when they're babies a lot of times pietila back easy to take out Just got fully trigger getting the back to sleep. Can that can derail your entire night? Like you can't reason with them you wake them and then just cry Haiti. Yeah just triggered like really bad. I'm sorry. We should put a trigger warning before we get into that the what that was. I remember just you know, 25 minutes of rocking and just soothing and then that the the hand off to bed and you got to make it this looks like Ray's a lost art perfectly and then just backing out. I remember having to make the shushing sound with my mouth. We need a white noise machine. We have one of those. Oh, we had like 12 like all over the but we had we had one we had but it was me and it required me shushing for 25 minutes and then slowly going out of the rack and then of course there was the time where you hit the door and yeah, and then that's Sinking Feeling Just That Sinking Feeling, but why did I have chalk on the baby monitor? Order when when you're like five minutes in and all of a sudden like what was that was that did that happen from the baby mama? And you're just everyone's Frozen you just Frozen In Fear And then I can life if the wake up happens whether it's a baby the toddler you gotta decide between you please turn is it whose turn is it turns I was with them all day. I just spent 20 minutes fucking shushing a baby in a room. I guess what it didn't work. So get your ass back in there. All right, which I do I'm like Forrest Gump that way they're like getting at It'll but that does happen. Right we're like bedtime become so stressful and fraught with tension that you end up snapping at your wife. That's why I called and you're in an argument. That's kind of what we called the end. Yeah, because it is a fan of most wouldn't it be amazing? If you could just snap your fingers and have your kids disappear know just like melatonin. I went somewhere else rushes through their body and the Melatonin gummies get dispensed. I got to look into those melatonin gummies. I'm gonna 200 I think we forgot to mention. So when you are reading the kids books and they can't read yet skipping Pages. That's a glaring heck. Yeah, that's the best. Oh, you don't know the stories about you. Don't understand it. I'm making it up. Guess what? Yeah, but then it's got a new bicycle Flip Flip Flip the end. How about this when they become self-aware and I'm like, well self-aware like Skynet. Yeah hell of a second and they go back. Yeah, though that there's nothing worse than skipping and your name State pull the pages back. You gotta go back and then they go back to the wrong one. Yeah. You're 20 minutes in just down the rabbit hole. You just got fucked kids kids are garbage. It's just be honest and they are this is it. This is all we have left is just talking. I love this though because she Maria Quran says about the bedtime routine. She's like doing the same thing every night. Sometimes I just want you to go to bed and not read any books, right? And then that's what I want to do every night, but then you get the guilt like, oh my like I need to develop Of I need to read to him. I need man. You don't you know what that that's what's needed not yell at them. That's what's and then you know, yeah. Well, it's too late for me. But I will I need to give a shout out to my middle kid. My daughter who is now at the point where I'm like, okay, honey. Can you put yourself to bed? Sure. No problem. Dad. Oh, yeah and literally tears just start streaming down my face of happiness and see what our kids are the same age. She'll come down. I'll come down. And the lights off your she's 6 months older than detected much. I think right he's not doing that yet. I think she's she's kind of reacting to her older sister. Right just doesn't do that. Right? She's a goody two-shoes because he really, you know, watch the devil child walking working a charm. I love it. And then you got the then you got to mr. Tuxedo sir. Mr. Tux. He's got manners. Excuse me by that need a wipe. I need a white mind awfully if you wiped my bottom. Gross, gross no. No I'm asking you. Oh no ya later. Yeah, not one not on camera now. Yeah sure as we always do now that's our podcast. Anyone know what that but. That would be called cool. Well this man I actually feel a little bit better. I feel a little bit better because you realize how much worse I have it. No, I just wanted to vent. Can I tell you something? Nope friends of ours just had I said no. Okay, God damn it. I hate this fine. Go for friends of ours. Just had a kid. It's just a little bit regulations. I'm sorry. Yeah, exactly. And the first question. I don't know. How's it going? How is she how she sleeping and the answer amazing? Oh, yeah, which point I'm just like burning with anger. So we had friends over that is the ultra are they sleeping? Yes or no when they say no you're like, oh I'm so sorry to hear that. So we had a party so we have friends in the neighborhood years ago when I first Kids were born they're born the same within a month of each other and we had a party like that Christmas or something. I think you were there and the friends were over and they got over little bit early. So our son was still awake and then he would have been like to if that and know what I just say, we're a few months now he was holding that so it's like one have to and we go and put him to bed and they're they're like in the dining room and I'm like, okay, I'll take Detective Munch this time and I go and I put him to bed and I come out like two seconds later. They're like That was it like your kids in bed right now because it takes them like that every like five books and go through all this rigmarole from like the beginnings where you were saying earlier where they always a bad sleeper getting them to go like once I get my kid into bed. He falls asleep quid I we never had to do that. Long thing. It is the stalling now that he's older. That's the problem. He's a decent sleeper. He's just a prick right right when he's awake. He's doing what he can to avoid it, but once he's in bed and he like because they are. No matter how much they deny it. Yeah, and they will fall asleep. But to that point I know I know people I know Dad's that will sleep in the in the bed. That is a to get me started her all night like in the bed with him. I mean what the fuck you gonna do you gonna basically they're going to be you're going to be in bed for at least half an hour. So you're basically a project where you're going to go to sleep yourself, right? You're going to wait they're doing it on purpose. They're doing it on purpose so that the kid can go to bed. That's why I'm like fuck that cry that fucking shit. Exactly. You're donating your life you ruining your life's about the kids development, which is again, if you're get him into the fucking Mills and have like I'm not even gonna go into like codling the kid or spoiling the kid whether I'm just saying you're just hurting yourself. I just hate that it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel really sad everybody involved. You know, I think we should end it on that note. I feel bad for what everybody yeah, including positive what a positive way to feel like that's how we end all of these things is It's like unreal downers. Well, you know what? Hopefully we'll get a few more patreon subscribers. So the we can our mood will be lifted. Yes that it would be amazing. And if you have any specific comments on this episode itself go to YouTube subscribe on iTunes and Spotify to get all the latest ones. What do we got coming up get a conversation going we're going to be doing we're going to be doing traveling with kids soon. Evelyn we're going to be doing is we're both going away for for spring break, which is a yep together just us two just us two leaving the kids and their wives behind. It's gonna be magical a lot of but wiping reciprocal but wiping yes Sports I think is well. We're going to cover Sports. It's all all these topics but keep those all in the hips those topics coming. We want to hear ya head us up, you know where to find me. Oh, we started a Facebook group where you can suggest topics you got to do is I can invite you or you got to go there and I will let you in and we'll be posting you guys can post suggestions comments interact with us. Yeah. Needs to get on there. He doesn't really know how to use a computer. No because all for show so it is not to use social media, but you know where to find us. Yep. Yep. So until then, I'll catch you on the flip-flop.
We've read the book. We've seen the movie. Worst of all we live it everyday. How do we get these kids to go the f**k to sleep after a long day. One thing we know for sure because science has proven it, is the MORE you want/need your kids to go to bed the MORE they will resist. Join us as we lay waste to these no sleeping, always-up-and-cranky mofos. ------------ Moms and Dads, WE NEED YOU! This show and these dank memes won't feed our families (we've tried). We need your support to keep this up. We love making this stuff for you guys and we're putting this out there so see if we can make the switch so that this can be more than a hobby 🙏 (that our families hate). 