What's up fam dead and buried here to let you know that if you haven't heard about anchor it's the easiest way to make a podcast. Let me explain it's free. There's creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer and anchor will distribute your podcast for you. So it can be heard on Spotify Apple podcast and many many more you can even make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. Have we made any money? Keep we make money hand over fist through anchor. Hello did oh, no, did I just bought a boat? It's everything you need to make a podcast in one place. So download the anchor app are going to Anchor dot f m-- to get started. Hello and welcome to the dad and buried podcast episode 40 fucking 7 that mean anything to you 47. What's your lucky number or favorite number? Yeah 122 you and your nevians guy. Yep, I don't like even people so if you don't I my name is Mike dad and buried okay fucking fact, I'd only give his people you know, what in your face. I'm an odds guy. Your truth and you speak it every five seconds. I've never mentioned you before my preference for odds over evens or my dislike for people who prefer even so it's never come up. You're literally too busy talking about the movie rad to tell my friends are here at come up for air to talk about anything else than rat. Oh, you got a problem with talking about rat Talia Shire. Good luck. She's not my favorite part of the movie rad. I was just using her as an example of how this she was the star of them. She's not even the star the highest-profile talent. I will Bleah, so this is a podcast about popular culture it rat and Talia Shire in five minutes. You're going to learn everything. You need to know about parenting go. No, that's not what we do. That's not what we do. We talk shit about our kids and about parenting we do the same thing that I do on my Instagram account every fucking day. No, but 24/7 365. Yeah. Yeah, 24-second grind-it-out year Rise & Grind every year every hour Rise & Grind. Okay every hour I'm on there. Not necessarily posting on your stock pace yourself. I also do it on Twitter & on my blog and on Facebook it all these fun places. Yep. No Tick-Tock yet. I'm considered it. And then there I don't have the forethought to do like video sketches you have or you have to Dan patients. You just have I can't dance. That's what Tick Tock is all about. Just dancing. I can't tell you do the whoa. I've never heard of it. Well, you're fucked then. All right, so welcome back and thanks for joining us. And welcome for the first time and thanks for joining us. If this is your first time we don't exclude anybody know, you know, what's if it's your last time sayonara, this is a warm sayonara. I said sayonara I know and you wanted pool right as I'm you're saying something gross about sinking into a warm pool. That's right. Slowly getting acclimated welcoming. This is a big-time hot tub. We're all here. It's going to get a little funky. Sure. Yeah. It's gonna be a little funky. You know, what there's the Band-Aid there's a clump of hair over there. Stop it. This is this Gross last year the clump of hair bitch. So tonight we're talking about lying to your kids whether you do it or you. Oh, I need to bring that up. I asked the pole beforehand. Do you lie to your kids and I got votes right and I'll tell you what the percentage was and then I got a shitload of comments about people in the lies. They tell their kids a lot of them were the same very popular one is saying your food is spicy when you don't want to share we've all done it. I do it with Nate. Sometimes he's like, what are you eating there? I'm like, it's fucking too spicy. Great to see you can't have it. You can't handle it that looks like a french fry though. It's pretty fucking spider Earth. So we want to thank everybody who listens whether it's your first or your 50th time wouldn't be your 50th time unless you've listened to one maybe a couple of times and now he's that would be awesome. Thanks an extra. We appreciate extra. Thanks, if you like what you hear you can spread the word with your friends you can you can share on social media. We love a rating on iTunes or Podcast it's not called iTunes anymore. We really would love a rating. Those are very important to us. Yeah, preferably five-star. Kpi as we say in the performance indicator in the big we're looking for some Roi on this podcast. We haven't gotten a lot yet. We want a little sin. Okay, relax. Relax. Okay, you can you can go on patreon. If you want to throw a couple dollars. We have a handful of patrons here that we really appreciate you can go to our merch shop shop that spreadshirt.com. This is all in my link Tree on my Instagram page. Where most of you probably follow me because pretty much everybody to how many people are in the world hundred twenty two thousand. I think Bingo every single one of them up my ass on Instagram. Yep. So we want to thank our patrons on the single. Dad to hear Chris Coleman Miriam MSB Bayan. She's got a comment today check your kids at the door funny meme account say that every week. He hit a thousand followers recently. Congratulations, my friend MC Daniel 1980 and Mallory Mackenzie. Who insulted My scarf. Yeah. Well that was the right thing to do. Was it to be fair? It's the best car I've ever owned and it had big that's why ozio perfect. But a lot of times you get a scarf and when you wrap it around yourself, it can't do anything. It's like a kerchief. Okay. So first of all, if you're in that doesn't work, you're listening to this you have to imagine that that image of Lenny Kravitz walking down with essentially a have you ever seen the photo where I go. I have a photo comparison me and him next to each other. Each other with my huge scarf and his you've never seen it's absurd follow me this girl standing at dead and buried why would I do that? I don't know. I guess your scarf is so absurdly large that people. Do you understand our should I fucking aware of it, but I don't care because Comfort Trump's it. I'm not a self-conscious person Trump. I'm sorry that I said Trump God bringing everybody down. Anyway, I did I made a fucking I'm making fun of myself because I will really humble and I'm self-deprecating and people like me. God dog it you walk in the subway with that thing. People are like that thing has its shoved in my fucking jacket. Yeah, I can see it. So let's say I want them to look like the Michelin is beautiful. You're such a jerk you bike to school to where I said School you biked to work in your fucking button up. Goddamn fucking sweater. I'm sorry. Look at me. I'm supersensible right now. My wonderful collar desert. What a cool dude, amazing the dad by dear Barbara Geiger also known as funky feet. See on Instagram morning glow Jaco VAR Andrea Sandoval and build the mica. Thank you guys by the way build Amica all up here not been called out for a last few weeks. Just we just mentioned him. Yeah. No, I know but that's oh you failed the type his name on the sheet your one job Father Figure to your Julie McCarthy. Joseph died chasing a case our DePaula policy world's biggest CFL fan Jennifer Winn World's Greatest Dad here Mary Williams, Julie Burton my new dad to your Sarah Desiree kissling. And Monica, that's not Sarah Desiree kissling and Monica. It's Sarah Desiree kissling and Monica. That's her full name. Anyway, that's all I got. Okay. Well listen, we're going to get into line to your kids. What's wrong with this real quick. Do you like Liz? Oh, yeah sure date. You've never heard of Liz. Oh that's actually fascinated me. She's pretty big pretty famous pretty big fan for forever forever forever with the kids. But I mean, she's great. He's in the Target demo. Who knows? Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying your age right the fact that I know who she is and you don't is a little weird the older stuff like the Staples that you don't know and you're Earnings fine. Anyway you trying to like your gatekeeping right? I'm just shocked. He's fucking 30. Isn't that like the fucking sweet spot for live on anyway, I think Joy this moment really like to tell you you're really milking it because you know an artist that milking it. I'm literally surprised anyway look, yeah. I really like I really like her she's talented. I don't think she's married. I don't think that's Kim Kardashian West you knew that you jerk. Anyway, I like Liz has got some good songs. You're gonna here's a better singer than you think this podcast is going to get so much worse than this trust us. Listen right after this. Hey, Mike, have you heard of Spotify before? I have heard of Spotify? Really? Yeah, because on Spotify you can listen to all of your favorite artists and podcasts in one place for free. You don't even need a premium account Spotify is a huge catalogue of podcast on every topic including the one you're listening to right now here. We were having a normal conversation and I thought I knew more about Spotify. We're on Spotify. You can follow your favorite podcast. So you never miss an episode premium users can download episodes and listen offline. Wherever you are and easily share what you're listening to with your friends on Instagram. I'm on Instagram. Are you on Instagram? Get out of here? If you haven't done so already be sure to download the Spotify app search for Dad and buried on Spotify or browse podcast in the your library tab. Also, make sure to follow me and Pete so you never miss an episode of the dead and buried show. Welcome back. Everybody tonight's topic is lying to your kids and what you lie about because we all do it before we get started quick shout-out to our sponsor Kinder. Perfect really fun party game, especially if you hang out with family over the holidays, it's likes Cards Against Humanity, but for parents a lot of funny punchlines a little risque if you wanted to ruin or more drinking the better. Yeah with or without the game to be honest. You're going to holiday party. You need a you need to look a housewarming gift or something just it's just fun. I can toss it in your bag use 20 off Dad's on Amazon and 20 off Daddy and Kinder perfect.com. Throw that in the fucking stocking stuff it right up stuff that shit. So I asked a bunch of people. I posted a poll on my Instagram. And I said do you lie to your kids in real life or is this on the internet again this weird? You know what the Internet is real. Like I said you lie to your kids white lies lies of convenient etcetera 1,100 people. Sorry 1099 people responded. 1055 said they lied to their kids 44 that's 96 percent said they do in four percent said no early on it was 27 to nothing. And then later there were four people that said they didn't and as you vote, you can see with the percentages. So then people would see the percent of then message me and say those four people are lying. Do we know who those four people are I know who the 44 people aren't ya? 40 I'm looking at a mall fucking right? Yeah, there were 40. It was 40. It was four at one point but 44 Liars out there. I'm sure a couple of these people aren't lying. But that's why I made pains to say like white lies lies a convenience not like are you lying about like who they're fucking real parents are right or like because nobody knows who write me break not like anything real but I thought it as fat can't believe how lopsided it was. Although I can't believe it. So what's up? It's a white lie versus something real. Well, you know what it is. It just a lie that makes your life better. I make their lives better as from say anything. So one of my friends for discipline used to so I have you heard the saying goes around around Christmas. They say if you want your kids to behave you make some dummy gifts like empty box. You mentioned put them under their tree and then when they misbehave if you throw it in the fireplace, oh, yes, obviously, it's horrible. So at a similar version of that is if I don't play no no one's doing that. The head doesn't Over the stove having the balls to fucking go through with that like we talked about this before it's but the same thing with the faking the stuffed animal eating disturbing you psychologically fucking up your kids. Yeah. I don't know maybe you do it once assistance. I can see it just to give someone look I'm not judging anybody. So this is a slightly watered-down version that you can do anytime of the Year. Okay. So you make up a dummy event. Like you say. Oh, we have fucking so-and-so's birthday or we're gonna go to this thing and then when your kids are Dick you say oh look, we're not going to that anymore. I'm sorry you blew it? Okay, but now but the problem is if you ever really do that the kid is going to call your bluff and be good and then you're gonna have to go to some Phantom event that you made up that doesn't actually exist and you got a fucking scam or something because that's what would happen. You're counting on the kid to misbehave so you can you know, replace the carrot with a stick but he's not going to that day. No, all you need to do is just refine your degree of Behaving. Well, would you just put your socks you should put with Left sock on first exact your fucking you're done you blew it, man. You look we're not going to fucking Baxter's breakthrough party says, what is the zoo party? Nobody? I think I just made it up. So but also the premeditated nature of making up an event. Yes. Hey Timmy Sarah we're going to this amazing event. If only you behave perfectly. Yes, and if you don't I do fucking fucked. You're so fucking fun. I'm like Mark Wahlberg from fuck. In that movie with the Boston beer. No did the padded that the pad fuck you? Fuck you? Fuck everything fuck that. Fuck. That was the part. That was my impression of everybody all this is a fucking that right back. Yeah, basically, who am I fuck you? That's who I know. That's not what he says. Yeah, but it's go fuck yourself. That's that's my name. So but that is having that premeditated nature of me. Like Hey, we're going to go to do this amazing single most of these lies. Going in the back of your mind. That's a lie. That's kind of that's fucking most of the lies that people submitted are his car of the moment like I don't want to do this thing. I want to do whatever right? So we're going to get into some of them right but first I ask why the people what they lie about and why can I just we're are these two anecdotes that you are they real? I've never done them. So I have a friend who has done the dummy event one and I hear the dummy presents one all the time. Like people send me memes about because there's a couple memes that say to do that and it's a funny coming into edgy joke to make joke, yes, but doing Is fucking that's a bridge too far. Thanks for me. Perhaps Over the River Kwai my right everybody. Alec Guinness. Nope, that's the Great Escape. No, it's not pretty sure it is it yeah Great Escape is so fucking good is I love the Great Escape. They might lie to my dad for introducing me to The Great Escape. I love that move. It is fucking three hours. It was just three hours the Irishman. What would you rather watch right now, you know real fuckin Escape. You know, what they say is answer Avatar. The first one that I guess what guess what's coming avatars? Five six seven four five six wait for 2024. We're going to be like what the fuck happened with that's the charge. Watch this is I'm talking in the past to myself in the future. If it's 2024 and you're watching the fourth installment of a peculiar because there's nine what you know, but you've wasted your life. Here's the weirdest thing about Avatar. It was the biggest until the Avengers. It was the number one movie of all time. Not a single fucking person I've ever talked to like sit all time Papyrus everyone went to see it because the stupid special effects the fucking van stupid. That was very funny costumes special effects. It's some least men. Horrible fucking movie while time it's a piece of shit. You know what Mike I see you. I want to put my hair. I want a pie like when I say, hey, I want my braids to go into your brain your brain. Is that happened in the movie? I feel like I saw that on an IMAX with my wife and my wife didn't know for 10 minutes. She's like are these the previous I'm like really want to the fucking movie man. First of all Sigourney Weaver's like I had a thing for like she first of all she's very attractive but as a blue jean had a thing for the blue giant version of Sigourney Weaver. Now and the party that's a fucking weird shit I've ever heard was like if you're throwing up in your mouth. I don't even like Zoe Saldana as a blue thing. The stupid cat person is what what do you think agree on mass does be she's amazing in all of God. I retain IAM. It's actually a real real element unobtainium or it's a term they use it's just sound so fucking stupid, but it's a real it's a real element or it's eternity. I'm not a scientist God damn it. All right, so I asked people what they lie about and why like whether they lie for survival. Or for disciplinary reasons or to make their lives better. Arika. Marie says she lies about anything and everything Piedmont 1992 says whatever helps in the moment ali-frazier 921 says I lie because kids are needy and they ask for shit An Inconvenient time for just so true. No real Kate says when I lie when I need them to be in bed when I need them to eat when I need them to behave when you need them to do shit. Well, can I the only problem is is when you change the Of Engagement. Well, that's why I've said consistency is like the hardest thing for my consistently because if you're like, oh, I love everything you do has to be consistent as a parent. It makes such a difference and none of it. I don't do anything. It's just every lie. I tell the truth I get mad. I don't get mad. They don't fucking know what is on your screaming. I'm telling the truth is a dead dog. What's I did I have to go deal with some of the dead rat today at the 42nd Street? Anyway, double X Lexi loves pie double X says it's more like accidental. Lying I promised them a trick to a park or somewhere and then I'm too fucking exhausted to do it. Alright that happens all the time. That's a big that's a lying. That's like you make a promise. You can't deliver on my God a new fucking make a promise to your kids. Oh my God, they remember about them because they do remember everything you say anything and it's just like my family like same as your kid ever yelled you you promised or then said you lied every fucking pull something back of it ever said yes three of them. No, it's nice meeting my wife. I really heard when that happens and then have to say we weren't lying and I keep saying look, I promise that money came from somewhere. Wow, look man. He always dark with your weird shit. That's what So Courtney Jane 111 says she lies about little inconvenient little convenience things the parks closing soon. The aquarium is an open today. But if there's a teaching opportunity we try to make clear that honesty is important. I never stress the importance of honesty in my home do what you gonna do whenever mix it up, you know. See what happens. Let's see who can survive the best little liar Yeah. Well, yeah, maybe you'll become president someday. I don't know Nate got it in catch that one. Yeah. Yeah because our present. Yeah. Yeah. This is usually present Trump. Yeah. Yeah. So some of the lies that parents came up with are there in the a lot of these are Under categories than the end is a miscellaneous section, which has some of the funniest ones but been teeny 80. This is an interesting point I think and Great. She says what don't I lie about I was at a kid's birthday party with a bunch of hippie moms. And one of the moms heard me lie to my son about something and said I don't believe in lying to my kids. I also don't believe in bribes or threats of 1880 said what those are the foundation of everything and then one of the things she lies about I mean look, that's true though, like bribes threats lies. I'm not saying I'm a good parent but these are the things that I do. It's like Copland where you are. It's you live in my house. Yeah, the whole place is full of cops. Yeah, basically that a Why copy well, I'm just saying the movie good movie. Copland have had a bunch of good movie. We see that one Nate. I will check it out. Really really good with Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. I mean look the daily awesome movies. You should see before Kaplan mcoppins. Good Robert Patrick, the only Robert De Niro you blew it. The only downside is who's that guy? Who's like tall and like Sylvester Stallone? Oh, is he tall? I don't remember. What was the other guy? You said that because got the curly hair. He's the Robert Patrick. I don't remember no. Robert Patrick care, it was a Carrot Top. He really dramatic. Fuck it kind of that movie. I you know what? I appreciate. He's the main fucking Catalyst of the whole movie. But he's the one that they don't remember is that oh, it's Michael Rapaport. Yeah. He's very it's not that tall. What are you talking about? Like rapping for it's like six five one from polymer. I appreciate the fact that even though we can't talk about like the same 80s movies or like junk movies. We can talk about Avatar and then coplin. Yep. We can switch it up. I'm loving and then week I'm loving it. Anyway, so we're going to get into there's a bunch of different categories, right? So sometimes what you lie about are things about places or activities that you don't want to do that your kids want to do, right? So Juanita Franco says I tell my kids the park is closed. I say we aren't allowed outside when it's dark or cold or we don't have money for that, which is sometimes true. I think for all of us a bunch of people said that I say that a lot when it's just when I'm talking about the park and I'm not I just supposed. Oh, I don't I can't afford I can't Sorry like Dad what's wrong and I go and then I started crying and they say Dad is everything. Okay, and I go of course, it's fucking not okay, you son of a bitch. Oh my God. I liked it. Yeah, it wasn't even a joke. No enjoyed it. There's a relatable Mom memes. Go check out her page as I lie to get out of shit. I don't want to do the park is closed. We don't have the stuff to make cookies. I feel sick. I feel sick, too. We're the Robinson Life Is A Lie to Me? It's about when parks and stores are open. We all do it. You're driving by a place and your kids like I want to go nuts knows today. I can't do that closed on Tuesdays shit. I wish but unfortunately there's special eggs on Wednesday. And because we only have a coupon for Thursday that you ever do that you get really elaborate with it and know what are you talking about? And you just like things aren't going. Well. I've known I've literally never done that. You know what I just say, this is the fucking truth of the matter is some blanket lie. I don't get the truth of the matter is there. Is no truth when I want so Katie Ayers, I think says that she she tells her kids Chuck-E-Cheeses invite only, you know that mean you have to wait for a letter in the mail. He go to Chuck E. Cheese Santa you like Chucky Cheese. I've never been I've been I've been up in fighting that actually has his price the kid who grew up in fucking England again. I want you to fucking stop buying wimpy. What's doing be the worst Burger chain and the history so I've seen it is Wi n Pi e it might be I think it was why I thought it was why but might be why because I love you know, that doesn't make that was Mickey Mickey Mouse Nick blank looking at you heard Mickey Mouse the only hamburger chain that just somehow didn't succeed because it put mustard on its Burgers here. Only mustard weird only my yeah. That was nothing. Yeah, like fuck catch up guys. We're going - why won't you just let them choose because it was the person in Charge who is otherwise known as the CEO was a huge fan of mustard. This is none of this is true. It's actually fucking really not all that when people get sounds like you're getting into the details of a line of blow. It was it was big. So Alicia Maori said she told her daughter when she was two that the playground is closed after it rains and now she's four and if she sees kids on the slide after rain, she tells her mom the police are going to get those kids. This is what this is a challenge. But again, that's 2 and 4 when the kids 10, they're not going to believe it and if they do he got bigger problems. Line your kids. All right, you got a kid who's gonna be a fucking victim his whole life because he doesn't know the difference between a joke lie when he's fucking 10 years old or you gonna have a kid that just kind of rocks back and forth because they're gonna get the kids are gonna get them all together. Those kinds of animals have all those kids. All those kids are gonna get. Okay. What are you doing? Rain, man? Yeah. That's exactly right. You say Nate in Kaplan. It's all fucking full circle and every once in a while. So he says I see you we fucking brought it all around. Round JP John says he lies for survival. The store is closed. So this always reminds me all of these a lot of these things remind me of in movie Jerry Maguire. Yep with Jonathan Lipnicki. Yep. Who's the little kid? Who's Renee Zellweger son. He's four or five and Tom Cruise shows up at her house drunk one night and he comes out and he's talking and he's trying to get Tom Cruise to go to the zoo. And Tom Cruise is drunk. So he doesn't have his filter on and he's just getting annoyed of the kidney was great. The fucking zoo is closed Ray and everyone in the theater. Sit up and funny line, but it was all he was telling the truth. The zoo is fucking clothes. I was like 11 at night. So it doesn't even have any it doesn't even have anything to do with our topic. Just this shit reminds me of it. This is my this is my brain. Oh, you've the fucking zoo is closed. You've isolated a moment in pop culture where everyone know, you're not even though that were lied to a very small didn't lie. That's the thing. He's telling the truth is good point. I'm sorry. He was truthful for the first time and guess what guess how much it hurt Jonathan Lipnicki, you know, he's really buff now. He's like ripped care tap riff today and maybe even weirder you just what's even weirder is that you know that both of these people are ripped that seems that seems like the only reason False equivalency make doesn't matter what neat knows I'm talking about. Welcome. No name is goddamn, right? It doesn't I don't care what ripped people he knows I care about what rip people you know, I don't know any rip people off because I keep them out of my lesson that they made me sick Lipnicki. I don't know him. I just know of him and that he's ripped and he's looked very good with his shirt off. Fucking zoo is closed. God. Damn. You're the best part is you're not lying about that about how good he looks like. I kind of look I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I can acknowledge one. Another man is a nice physique you just do do you say I see you and you bring your braids out? I don't ever quote fucking Avatar because it's junk start waving at him a great. I want my wish I had a braid you like if he's and then he gets a little always making fun of man buns. I wish I had the kind of hair that allow me have a man bun. I'm not saying I'd have Man bun, but I've always wanted long hair like a long straight one of the long do it's fucking cool. I had a friend who looked like Spicoli in like high school in the first couple years of college total Surfer long do now he's fucking bald as a cue ball and your face Pat Anyway, so a lot of people lie about my bunny eating smell so says she's he he or she lies mostly about food mom. Can I have more unhealthy snacks? Sorry kid. We're out. Yeah, there's no obviously J Van Dien rnj. Underscore Van Dien underscore. RN said I told my son his favorite restaurant was closed. So we didn't have to eat there again because you just get sick of this shit. They like yeah evil 26 evil with a wise as I lie so they can eat healthy. I lie about me loving vegetables. I don't eat veggies. Yes, you gotta do though is like a right to not eat that shit because you're old enough 26 way to go. What a congratulations. Well, I will say this we covered this on the hypocritical where hypocritical parenting. I will be serving my kids like garbanzo beans or chickpeas, whatever you want to call them because there's two names for this column chickpeas. I think I and I don't think I've ever eaten willingly. Eaten a chickpea. Yeah. But you know, we've had this conversation watch it people with the skiff ever had like a roasted or like a dried chickpeas little spice on it. No. No, I mean fucking good everything that comes from chickpeas. Amazing hum has everything. Yeah almost what else Thomas Falafel. I think I've ever had one. I think I've had one. Yeah, you never had a flaw. They had one. Oh my God, where'd you must not was great. I don't disagree with you. The chickpea itself is melee and it's kind of gross. I'm not gonna listen to this. So I'm just saying good for you evil 26 to sit there with a Wait, I will apologize to the chickpea Lobby and anybody else who's big into chick. Yeah, big chickpea a Terrence underscore 88 says my kid doesn't want to eat a certain meet. Sometimes I tell him it's chicken. Tell kid the pork. No that's chicken. Don't know what pork is. It's just a weird. It just seems more weird. And then you say check it out. Well, though my kid loves steak. Nope, not coming. Mrs. Thomas underscore. She lies that Duncan is already out of doughnuts there a couple of doughnuts comments. My nine year are my four year old almost four year old loves doughnuts. He doesn't he said maybe they can I have a doughnut his whole life and it's so shitty fucking sight of maple cider donuts at the fucking pumpkin patch shits. That shit sucks. Yeah. Fuck it. Dry. Donut. What fucking came out wrong. Well, I'm not interested in eating a dried on it. No, no one wants to eat a dry. But give me a Boston cream. No, no, you just gotta have some fun. You know, Boston cream is fucking delicious. It's one of the top three best fucking donuts ever know start with glazed and then work your way. I like glazed. Yeah. I'm not big and just frosting chocolate frosting with the cream in it. I'll smash that real quick cream. I'm not into the cream and you like the jelly. I don't I don't like jelly. I don't like jelly. I don't like fruit-based desserts. We've been through this get you. Fucking fruit out of my shit. It sounds like something shit. It's getting so a lot of people use the I don't want to share. So I tell my kids shit is spicy. A lot of people were talking about how they get out of ice cream. Sabrina underscore dungeon says the ice cream machine is broken today marshawn's 5 says when our oldest was three, we told them the ice cream truck was a music truck. He thought it was so nice just bring music to the neighborhood. But it that's a that's a boss power. Of a lot of people said this was laughing that's just a little bit there also kids are crap. Yeah and the guys shouting ice cream part of this is also a music truck with one song. That sucks. A lot of people said this L. Karate 511 Charlie jizz X said the ice cream truck only plays music when they were out of ice cream. So the kid here is the ice cream truck. He like know that the only reason the song is playing because they are out letting you know, they're out a lot of people say that Christina Robinson, Christina. Dot a DOT Robinson said I told my three-year-old that it's against the law to buy candy on Saturday nights. I like this shit like like just like really elaborate premises. I'm sorry. What counterion? All right. No, I'm sorry. The law in this County prohibits us to buy ice cream at Beyond three low-carb underscore debt-free underscore dreamer says, I tell my kid. The chocolate I'm eating is poop. You know what this some lines. I won't cross. Yeah, that's gonna be tough convenience is all well and good. I'd like to keep my dignity of yeah. Yeah. To have a tough time when they get older, right? So another category was toys and without people lie in the try to get out of having to play the toys we go. We're in season right? This is we are in we are in the Christmas season the holiday season holiday Hanukkah, I think starts next week beginning next week. Not sure Kwanzaa. Maybe anyone. I'll tell good present season. I don't know any days. I don't know four things 25th is the only thing I know when's Canadian Christmas. Yes. 29th. Hey, that's foxy. But you know what? They celebrate Boxing Day, which is the day after Chris. Absolutely. That's a good idea really is the best day you just sit around in your pajamas playing with your presence. So when it comes to toys super-tough says it's amazing. How often the things my kids want to play with are broken or out of batteries it is. Oh sorry, that's busted buddy. Yeah. I don't have any batteries for that Kit Kat underscore triple underscore. Cat 30 says I say that if the toys leave the playroom I will throw them away. So that's those are tough. Right and she says I've never have done that and I don't even know why I say it but that's the kind of thing where if they call your bluff. That's a that's a threat a regular. Yes, but if they call your bluff and you don't follow through that's probably good. So my wife gets mad at me a lot because I'll immediately jump from fucking zero to 60 on discipline go to timeout every fucking day. Really and then I don't obviously don't do it because it's a heat-of-the-moment thing but you lose credibility if you don't follow through so that's a tough one what I'm saying? KitKat 30 is get in there and throw some shit away. Also, I'm sure that playroom Jackie underscore sharp says the batteries are dead. I have no idea where they went ali-frazier 921 says she'll say something is broken. If it's just an annoying toy that needs batteries don't want to deal with it. Everyone does the moment that you put the batteries in you don't you don't know what the choice sounds like you put the batteries on my God. This morning you put them in and all of a sudden your life is changed a couple of toys that 80s like over the volume. No, no, you can't loan. You can't turn off the volume and your kids like doing the siren and and you're like, okay, let's say there's someone they want them to play with the most and the fresh batteries because you may not here because of course you're a you're a parent and you really want that you want them to enjoy the gift. All you're thinking of is I'm gonna cut all of the wires inside of that thing and then I'm also going to take the batteries out of that toy. Well, that's All you need to do is think about you don't need to open up a cut the wires out my man. Yeah. Okay good point A B flat. So a bunch of people talk about the iPad. She says she's hold their kids. The iPad doesn't work when it's sunny outside. Yep just doesn't work. They have a system. That just doesn't work when there's Sun out. So you gotta go out in the garden to play. So I assume she said go out in the garden. She's from like the UK or something. Yeah, that's how they would say over there. Yeah. Maybe she's from the Bronx get the fuck out getting a goddamn fire escape sometimes Lynch. Lynch Lynch EML says, she'll say she can't remember where she put the iPad. Let me think about it. Well, I gotta let me rack my brain. I've done that. I don't remember where it is. I'll figure it out. I'll find a minute then you just hope they forget I'm sort of stuck on the handle to be honest with you Lynch EML. Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm saying it correctly. It could be lynched Lynn chimo. That would be better. I feel like the you know, like the word Lynch is what you're saying. Yeah or lachie because look, Like a playful take on the kind of Technologies kind of like it's a cute version. Yeah every now and again kind of Lynch. Yeah. So Sierra Roxanne says has initially when she says my kids have started asking me for toys this year on YouTube and I just say yeah, I'll buy them just say yes. So the kid thinks is it a good is that goes away happy and then you don't buy it, but then they call your bluff though because kids don't forget that shit. They don't forget the shit. They want they forget the shit you ask them to do. You know what what we need to put that on the wall why write that down what I just said one needs to write it down. I don't know who's going to do I write I have a Blog. Well, right I said I put it on there I put on your blog make t-shirts and start selling them because that is a great slogan make t-shirts. Yeah. I got to make with that so good on them. I don't even want to say my idea for my best ever. What was the other one? That was like home decor? Yeah. Okay. Sorry, so we'll have died cry. Eight instead of live life for the nursery. Yeah, no, no for live. Laugh love diaper. I hate hate and then whatever you just said because it was like you remember they don't forget the things they want. They forget. They only forget the things you ask them to do right second. That's it. Print it up print it up. Nathan Lightnings fallen asleep. He didn't like it. It's not impressed. Well what your instincts are garbage? Okay. I know that we all know so some of the funniest ones I put in the miscellaneous section where people just said random lies that they use on their kids Maria F Patterson said one of her favorite lies is the best part of college was studying and learning I enjoyed some of the learning Nate wow, no college is great. Yeah. If you don't enjoy College yet problems. Are you went to the Bronco? You probably have to be you Janelle Stokes says as toddlers. I told him the new car had a thumb activated eject button for in car bad. But there you go. There you go. That's what you gotta do. You gotta keep that tight in the car. Keep it nice and tight high and tight. Yeah, you gotta keep the old high and tight like kicking of the seats then you just inject them now, but you can't use it on that. It would be nice if there was a feature that if the car door would open while it's me. We but there was like a protective. There's no way that your kid was just a you need it's just a thought you should I'm just sort of jumped the Elon Musk and see if you can figure out loud just a little bit of alchemy be a seat tilt. So listen to this listen to this. I thought this was funny Bree underscore hands lit Perico hands lift Bree underscore our hands lit Perico said she uses the 15 minutes of silence Gambit. So the her kids do silence at school for a Remembrance Day. With I'll do 15 minutes silence. Everyone is a moment of silence. I can't believe it's for 15 minutes at school. That's a long fucking time and she uses that herself. So she's like one time we passed the dead rabbit on the highway. So I took my opportunity call for 15 minutes of silence for the dead rabbit. She's like, they're super somber every time we do it and sometimes I feel like a piece of shit, but it fucking works. You know what not having that in your back pocket like the you can bust out the oh sorry guys. We recognize something here for 15. Minutes having a bunch of dead rabbits in your trunk that you can you can just sort of well for do not think the point is is that it's always rabbit. There's a lot of dead rabbits around so speaking of rabbits. This one's a little dark. Okay. So one boss lady who told us earlier that she hates Iowa she grew up there and now live somewhere else said she told her daughter that bunnies are allergic to cats. But listen to why she was her daughter was visiting her mom. So her daughter was visiting Grandma and mom accidentally killed her daughter's bunny because she forgot defeated well, wait a second. Hold on a second. Okay, right. I think that's manslaughter. It's not like homicide right? Anyway, she I feel pretty bad about this. She said so, you know points to her for feeling pretty bad about it. Then her daughter called to tell her she wants a cat. So I said bunnies are allergic to cats and her daughter said bye Bunny and she was like fuck. Yeah, and I don't have to try to replace the Dead Bunny. She doesn't know he's dead because she's just like, oh the kid was already good with like get her and she wants a cat more she just The kid was just like fuck that bunny. Wow. This is I would have said well I had to kill the bunny because you said you didn't want your money and that's how we turn it around and make it even worse of the kid and you go this is what you want. This is snap his neck. He throw it against the wall. Like if Mice and Men, this is really horrible. Yeah. It was a dark one. That was a dark one. Let's get that. Can I just say that it took me a while to read that and figure out what she was saying and then I figured out what she was saying was like oh, so to wish I hadn't figured that. Now tie want to go back to the part where how long does it take a bunny to die without feeding it? That's that's the part. You want to go back to? Yeah, that's break this down fucking minute by minute. What are the stages of just saying? I'm glad your daughter. You know, how long was she visiting Grandma? Yeah three weeks fuck. Lock fucking grandma. What's Grandma's fucking email? Let's go. Look at something. What is Grandma's email one boss. Mom Geisha down. So J. Tonelli, 77 says that he'll tell his kids are her kids. She can't give the day off when there's a field trip because she doesn't want to chaperone. That's just as good move. I just sawed the reservation that took us. Yeah. I'm sorry. Tiny Tom. Tiny Tom. Pecans K. I don't know tiny Tompkins K. Tiny Tomkins K. I tell my five-year-old that the store the restaurant or wherever re at that their police will come if she doesn't stop whatever she's doing presumably misbehaving P. Larson says he'll use the lie. I already know what happened. This is your one chance to tell me everything right the ultimate you call the but that's for like an older kid usual. Hold on a second. Is this is this person to death detective sounds like it we know everything but I want you to tell me yeah, but that's the thing. You just call the bluff. Yeah, I've never used that. They may have their either either detective or they've ever watched the single fucking cop show ever. Which one which one do you think I watch a lot of cop shows every night every fucking Detective. God damn it Pete. All right. Well, that's a good parenting technique would just give us a second time. Just sorry. I'm sorry. I jumped down your throat to say like I've never said I know everything no, but I could see that happening when you have like a teenager like when your teenager is the more likely to lie to try to get out of some God, you're a real thing. It's clearly a real incident. You're not going to say that if there's a fucking stain on the couch. I already know what happened tell me everything. That's not how it works. It's an older kid. The only reason I want to know why there's Stayed on the couch. Look get girly says he tells his kids Paw Patrol only works on the shitty TV in the basement lucky stars. 4583 says she tells her two-year-old son. Sorry son. Blippi only comes out of the babysitter's house. I know it's so weird like that. Well, I like that one is act like it's a strange phenomena. I don't even understand why bleep he doesn't work here. So pixie dust and love did something nice. They told their kids they were going to see their aunt twice and surprise them with trips to Disneyland this That nice. Oh, I see. So you lied in the alignment reverse? Yeah, that's cool. When I was a kid there was again every time they're like hey there on it's coming to town and we me and my brother were stuck in the back seat as my parents like drove us to like art galleries one day in Connecticut when we were kids and it was fucking excruciatingly boring and then like we went somewhere else and then they were like getting back on the highway like the Meritor 95 or whatever to go there like we got to go too. More gallery and were like, oh my God this fucking sucks and then they pulled off into the movie theater and they surprised us with going to see a movie. Well, what movie rad I think it was Gremlins, but I may be conflating two different stories. This is a gremlin stories. I story I have to that's for another time. We know what you got to write all this stuff down into a book and then publish it and then have all of the copies of that book be burned into a hole. Oh, yeah into burning books then. Yeah. I didn't know that about you. Although just the books that you're writing. Ah, Actly dot underscore says we tell our son that things like tablet like his tablet or soap have gone back to their home planet IE the dish soap. He was obsessing over went back to Planet Dawn. Why is your son obsessing over dish soap? This was my father's head. The part of this is the part. I'm interested in we tell our son that things like he's into have gone back to their home planet to his tablet soap soap. What's your son doing with the dawn? You know what very shy want to know more so actually dot underscore let me know. What is your kid like about the soap. It's very strange. Um Go Party of Five says he tells his her kids if they don't brush their teeth, well worms will grow in their mouths. They are terrified. That's a good that's a this is Scared Straight another good. These are the things these are effective tactics the worms growing in your mouth. That's it. That's all you got to do. Do you brush your teeth? Oh, no, I didn't shit. Well, I guess you got some fucking worm. He's in there bitch. Nah. Like yeah, that's good like the worms when you eat raw food like an animal gets out of their ass absolute. One of the absolute worst experiences of my life was what when I don't know what we wear is is going. Oh my God. I first I was like, okay and now I'm like now I'm getting Dumber or he goes I got work is what he wants to name his pet store. I got worms. Yeah. Okay out of context. Yep. I'm not going to get into the time my cat had worms, okay. It was not a fun experience for anybody. Have you ever seen the movie with them? What's a fucking called Whoopi Goldberg plays like a Jamaican Nanny and Neil Patrick Harris one of your favorites place like her young kid her charge in there. So I think there's a worm. You know, what? Oh my God. Here we go. Wow! What an amazing his heart or Clara song and the only reason Oh my God, he doesn't even know what's happening. Now. He's just he's in a fist. I literally thought talking about words. Where are you going? Yeah, this is I thought there was a worm subplot in Clara's aren't like what movie has a fucking subplot of but I can't having worms. The only reason I thought that is because I was Holy shit, dude. I was watching Clara's heart. All right found out my head. It's not in the movie. It just happened while I wouldn't wildlife and then I thought imagine a movie had a subplot about a kid fighting out his cat had worms. What movie is this? It was me you never Could you just like you brought real life kind of a little pain? Wow, I'm glad you brought up. Anyways hard subplot about a cat that had worms and what a movie or whatever. What are they? That's what would have brought it over the top Clara's are you know, what not a good they don't miss out the Oscars on that it will maybe they had the worm seen it wouldn't have so Holly ankles. That she makes any placard read what is convenient for me meaning if she sees a sign she like, oh see here. It says no screaming at the park. Okay, another intriguing anko another very good luck. That's a parent hair. That's a parent hacker. That's great. Darcy underscore peaceful. Underscore Warrior will tell her kids. You're my favorite. Don't tell the others even though she has three kids three kids or she'll say your teacher your teacher texted me. You have to sleep in your own bed. I do think it's funny that your kids like they fear the teacher more than Can you write course they come home and like one of the things we say all the time is like would you act this way at school or would you say that to one of your teachers right then? Don't say it to us. It's just a familiarity breeds contempt. Yeah in contempt also breeds contempt. Sure. Yeah, that's well. I have a lot of contempt keeps growing yet, but my my son has a thing where he's not really even listening to his teacher. So that's it. And oh really? He's defiant people. He's just a yeah, he's like a big Did he doesn't write he just does what he wants to know. What's no impulse control which is which is irritating on all fronts. But yeah, we're we constantly telling him that he's he's always saying can I bring this toy to school? Like know your teacher said you can't bring any choices? Okay. Got it. What about this story? Yeah, right and what about this other to every and he'll bring out like 20 toys like every he'll just go to what about this one? Okay. I know I know you said that what about this, dude? What the fuck? Do you know what toy means? Yeah, Jesus so problems pop the 20 because Paul data policy world's biggest CFL fan says when I get sick of reading the same book book over and over to my son. I tell him that I forgot how to read sorry buddy. I lost it tonight. Wow, that's good and bad. It depends on how young the kid is Crystal Brooke. That's the best heroes that stuff because then your son's like me and my dad's like yeah, he's obviously holding down a job. It's a real tough Crystal Brooke with two zeros and Suppose I tell my youngest of there were baby faeries that will turn him into a baby if he's acting superb ready. Not bad. Okay disciplinary tactic just Carlsbad 25 says I even accept help from grandparents. We had a date night and we decided to go to Dave and Busters after dinner. I accidentally mentioned this in front of our three boys who got all upset about it. But before I could say anything my mother-in-law said it was a special adults-only night for parents. Let's go Dave and Buster's only allows parents. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go back for a second because Crystal Brooke talking about how fairies will turn your baby because I mean essentially that's what all that's what all fairy tales are about is just like cautionary tales I go. Yeah. Yeah, you can get Monica Grimm fairy tales are very gradual the woods. Are you on a walk away? Here's the deal you're gonna get fucking eaten. But if you don't listen to your parents bitch, you're gonna get fucked. Oh you want to go off and like have an adventure. Guess what also fuck guess what? Here's a here's the thing. Stay close, but don't It sounds serious way you're going to get close Gonna Get Away fucked. Nathan like our use of the term fuck there. We weren't being literal. No, no, no, come on. Thank you Jesus. No, it's just like you're gonna get yourself in fucking trouble. So there were a couple of people who said that they don't lie to their kids. There we go. Alright, let's take a moment to Veal been ta ve ilbm says we're super I'm super honest my parents weren't in a gave me trust issue. So I tell it all like it is I don't think you're being - right now like sure if we're talking about real things. Yes, like you're not touch but but I find it impossible to believe that you were fucking. So hardcore honest with your fucking two-and-a-half-year-old that you won't be like, you know know the zoo is closed Ray or whatever. What's up movie with Viggo Mortensen where he's out in the history of violence. No. No, that's a good one. But it's he's got a busload of kids and they're driving and they his mom the his wife. Uh, Captain Fantastic. Yeah, they live off the grid. I haven't seen it. It's fucking amazing and talk about being super he's super on his whatever and not just that but there's like the super crazy awkward moment where this nine year olds like Hey, Dad, how do people have sex and he's driving a bus. He's like, well a man puts, you know pieces of vaginas like and you it is that how I mean not that's not how I do it but I put an offering at the end of our wedding I start crying the it's a long story, but I have to obviously be The whole time but that it's a cringeworthy scene. But because he's being so brightly honest and his kids are like super smart. Yes, but look, that's fine. But that's like all the kids talking about real things. I'm saying like there's like white lies. I'm pretty sure she's not talking about White Lies. You can be honest with your kids every so white lies don't count against that every dumb shit. Everyone does shit convenience to get out of it to get out of doing some shit. But my point with Captain Fantastic is that they're here is a question. That came from a nine-year-old that was like they can easily been like on the fairies come in like the store comes a and he just goes in super graphic detail and explain exactly how the process has worked. Okay to the point where I'd watch a couple times because I need to figure it out when I'm gone. There's no crying in this version. It's weird. What about the offering? What do you put the offering? I don't get that? No, I guess that part. Yeah. So but anyway the AMA that's what I think about when people are like I don't lie Mama underscore llama with three hours. Says when she thinks about people don't lie. She says anyone who tells you they don't lie to their kids are fucking liars and I wasn't saying to Veal been was a liar. I'm just saying they're probably not really including some of those small lives of Canadians. Unless they are a fucking so on the fucking straight and narrow like who the fuck is going to be like is Disneyland still open and you've been there the whole day to me like, yeah, it's still open for another nine hours. Right? Like we know it doesn't make you a bad person. Oh, it doesn't make me a bad parent because I lie to my kids to get out of like giving them the food that I want to make me a bad parent. Point for doing all the other stuff that I do the LIE the White Lies are nothing. Yeah, it's all the big-time lies. Mama cat Mama underscore cat 321 says nowadays. I can't lie because they'll call me out on my shit. Mama ain't raised no fools when your kids get older. I think that's interesting when they know when they know better. Yeah, but do they does anybody ever do do I know? So before we wrap up we want to get into some episode some comments from our last couple of episodes. We had the city toys episode last week Dana. Those days said this is the Slime that you hate. My daughter had slime wants and ended up in a huge dried puddle in my carpet. It's a big throw rug so we consider turning it around. So it fits under the couch. But that means taking the this is what is this story? I mean they have to move their entire. She's saying slime sucks because it's stuck all over the floor and you can't get it up. Is that true once it's sticky like it's hard to remove that is why slime is to this day. That's why they always leave a note that a glitter. MK Steve says Pete this podcast will be nothing without you. I love your insights and wisdom. What podcast is she fucking listening to know wisdom plus if Mike didn't have someone to piss off. This would not even be worth listening to you know, what maybe he pisses me off MK stiff know and might that belly laugh is a beautiful thing. You're gonna love this episode then because I just had a much bigger one. I could just burst a blood vessel and I'm the chores the worst parenting chores part 2 Sarge said he wanted to set the record straight. Again that his he calls his son. No his son while you back up a little I called him out for nicknaming his son jack hammer, and I said your fucking copy because my son is nicknamed the hammer and he has been for five four years for more than four years. He does he know this. I mean, what are the it doesn't matter if he knows it. He knows it now. He doesn't know how long it was but he says his son calls himself Jackhammer, so he didn't steal my nickname his son who's clearly been listening to our podcast. I hope he's giving it a rating. Yeah. Come on. He says I am I'm merely honoring you gentlemen and your brilliant ideas of naming your children and wives instead of using their real names Mama buried took that name for herself. I use her real name Heather mom and buried check it out. She stole it from my God my damn. She said she didn't take my actual last name, but she did take my influence her last name my Instagram last night. She did not think she did. I hate laundry and dishes. I swear. Those are my silent jobs and they won't get done. If I don't do them. I've tried the waiting game, but I lose every time because shit piles. Hi, I think my Uses the excuses she cooks and bird their children. So I have to do some fucking work. You think your wife uses that excuse? No, that's 100% way. Your wife does that's a big time. I do all the laundry and the dishes all of them my wife never puts anything in the dishwasher and anytime. I'm like dude just put it in the dishwasher like she these everything out every once in a while. I'll be like fed up and I'll say that why don't you push it in the dishwasher and she'll immediately be like, whoa. You shit everywhere never like just the whole. What about his emotions? Sometimes sometimes you do the thing where you like quick your neck twice and you're like, all right. It's go time. Let's get this ready take your earrings off. Why don't I put your shit in the dishwasher put your shit in it? And then you're just like, okay. I'm ready for sometimes you need to have a dust-up. You need to clear the air but keep it right. You never win. No, but you got if you win this problems. Yeah. I know the women got a win. Yeah, the wives got a and of course because that's how nature be is sometimes it'd be like that sometimes it do what do we need to graph something like this it's not here but at the same time we want to say thank you to everybody can you imagine all our patrons and all our listeners 47 episodes guys were coming up at the end of the year we might we're gonna do like a clip show and yeah it's going to be good go by Kinder perfect for the stocking stuffers go it was it for 20 off Dad's on Kinder on Amazon and 20 off Daddy I'm Kinder perfect yep and if one of those doesn't work try the other one on the other side alright I don't have this shit memorized I'm not Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap okay look the most important thing is Kinder perfect is a great perfect gift for you it is a v perfect it is the Kinder perfect gift what do you want for Christmas All I Want For Christmas Mike is a well-behaved child. You should have just said Kinder perfect were like basically doing an ad for a new fucking black. All right guys, I'm gonna blow this and much more later. We'll see you next week.
Oh, you don't lie to your kids? Really? Santa ring a bell? How about the Tooth Fairy? What about the Switch Witch (whoever came up with that one is a real monster). You want the truth? You have to LIE! It's part of that parenting mandate. I mean, who really know what happens if you actualy count to 3. Mike and Pete take an indepth look at thousands of quatitavie data points across the globe and build a model of the socio-economic impact of lying to your kids. See? Lying isn't so hard afterall. 