episode 44 getting yourself out of victim mentality Welcome to the first year married podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dream. I'm marriage Coach K 11, and I take newly married and engaged women from anxious and insecure too confident and connected through practical tips real-life inspiration and more than a little self awareness along the way. Hello ladies, welcome back. Those of you who have just celebrated the holidays. I hope you had meaningful experience. I hope it went well. I hope your in-laws didn't drive you crazy. You didn't yell at your husband when you are cranky and hungry. And if you did, that's great, too. It's all great. Thinking about this new year. I was looking through some of the requests that I received for topics that people wanted covered in the podcast and I thought even though I know not everybody listening did just celebrate Rosh Hashanah. That's cool. We can go with this. Anyway, I wanted to find something that I felt like what's going to give us the biggest room for growth? What is the one tool out of everything you guys were asking for that? I felt like had the most potential to kind of take you from where you are. Are in a place where you might be feeling stuck to really that next level that new place of breakthrough. The question that popped out to me was one that someone sent in which was how do I get out of victim mentality. Now? First of all, I was so impressed when that question came in in the first place because it takes already a certain amount of self-awareness to even realize and be willing to admit that you're in victim mentality, right? Well done already, but I also felt like this is one that applies. Eyes to all of us, right we all have some area of our life. If not multiple areas of our life where we really see ourselves as a victim the thing about being a victim is that when we see ourselves as the victim by definition we are powerless. Okay. So if I'm a victim to my circumstances and my relationship or in my with one of my extended family members or in my ability to earn money or save money or be responsible with money if I'm a victim when it comes to my self-control around If I'm a victim when it comes to my ability to find the right kind of exercise program that makes me feel good. Whatever. The thing is that we victimize ourselves we're doing is we're kind of giving ourselves like an easy out. I don't have the self-control to get off of social media. So even though it's not good for me right now. I just something I can do. I'm a victim you hear what I'm saying? So I thought this is a perfect topic to address starting out the year. So I'm going to give you seven steps to get elf out of victim mentality you guys ready? Before we get started though. I do want to just remind anybody November 10th is the first class. It's a call in class for the kala cohort. This is a specific run of the first year married program. I don't know if we're ever going to be doing this again. So if you're at all on the fence, you need to either send me a message or just go ahead and sign up because I don't know if it's going to happen again and it's going to be awesome and we already have some scientists coming in which is really exciting. So the caller cohort is the first year. Mary program custom-tailored to women in the Orthodox Jewish community. So I have women who are engaged all the way through more than 10 years married and I am so excited to be working with all of you. I'm hoping it's not going to get too too big. I think we have like right now A nice-looking amount. We could probably fit in a couple more people because I really do want to be able to give all of you a lot of attention. The course is designed for you to be able to walk away having mastered this material knowing how to coach yourself. Of its structured sequentially from where you need to start to where you need to go to have a complete transformation all the material that is the most powerful for my clients that I found myself repeating over and over and over to each client because it was what they needed to hear and it was what was helping them so much and it was what they had never heard before boiled down into one class because if I'm about anything it's systems and efficiency, and I just couldn't stand. And to have people paying me that much money to hear it one on one when they could pay me much less money and here in a group, but everyone who goes to the course is going to be getting a 30 minute session with me. So already like you're going to get that individual customized attention. So if you again if you're on the fence, if you're not sure about it, go ahead and sign up for the first class because there is no obligation and you can decide after the first class whether you're coming in for the whole course or not. The sign up is first year. Mary.com forward slash colic aall. Aah. If you're listening to this and you're feeling a little left out because this doesn't apply to you. Please reach out to me. I absolutely love doing cohorts. They are such a blast and I would love to do one that fits you. So reach out to me. You can get me an Instagram at first you're married or just email me at Kayla at first you marry.com. Okay, so let's dive into this. I need to start with an important caveat whenever we're talking about victim relationships anything like this because I do get a lot of questions about how this material Works in unhealthy or abusive relationships. This is a really tricky topic. But what I generally say is that if it's a relationship where you suspect any kind of abuse whether it's physical whether it's emotional whether it's a verb any kind of abuse if there's some kind of power play going on or you feel like the other Is not invested in the relationship. I don't mean he's just frustrated and it's been a couple weeks and he's been cranky and distant. I mean there's a major clear power play or people have reached out to you that they're concerned about it. It's always a good idea to speak to a qualified therapist. If you Google gottman therapists G OT TMA n therapists, you will find a resource page a directory for couples therapist that are certified. In gottman therapy, which is one that I highly recommend. I'm hoping to have somebody on to speak about this in more detail, but it's important to understand that if we're learning material about how to improve our relationships male-female Dynamics. So in many dysfunctional relationships that material can actually be helpful, but there are some dysfunctional relationship. So that material can be very dangerous because it's used in a way to try and fix An abusive relationship or try and change someone who's really not mentally able to do that. I wouldn't God forbid ever want somebody to use this material to get themselves more into an unhealthy relationship. So don't hesitate to reach out if you're not sure if you want to reach out to me and you need someone to just sort of be there with you as you're figuring it out, please do I just gave my contact information a second ago. So what we're talking about today are normal people. What do I mean by that? I mean that we have our highs and we have our loads we go through phases. I've been married for 10 years. I imagine myself married at 20 when you're married for one year. It's hard to imagine that someone could look back and be like, oh, wow. That was a really hard year for our marriage, right? But when you married for 20 years like that's possible when you're married for 50 years could be even more than a year. Right? We have our highs and our lows as individuals and as a couple so What we're talking about and this is going to extend to more than just the specific marriage relationship. We all fall into victim mentality sometimes whether it's a story about our relationship or abilities at work or with their physical health or our self disciplined. So here we're going to launch into the 7 tips, but I want to give you to help you with victim mentality ready tip. Number one identify the feeling when you're in victim mentality. Hopefully you're already at a point where you can at least retroactively notice it, you know, your flag is going to E up now because you just listen to this podcast. So you're already on the right track, but knowing the feeling viscerally is going to help you red flag it for the future, right? If you really know how it feels in your body then even without knowing. Oh, I'm in a story about victim mentality. You'll be like Oh, I'm doing that thing where I'm feeling really cranky intense and oh, that's how I feel when I'm doing the victim think am I doing the victim thing right now and then you'll start questioning your thoughts you hear me? So how does it feel in your body or what are Our habitual thoughts right? We tend to have lines in our heads like this always happens to me or I always mess that up or I'm all right and always or I should have or he never write anything like that will have sort of like a line that our brain likes to feed us that's like very comfortable. It's like her security blanket, right? So if you can identify those habitual thoughts that's another really good way to identify the feeling the next one is what's the story sometimes our victim mentality comes from one big story. One big story that we've been attached to for a while, right? So let's say it's I'm just not the happily-ever-after type things just don't work out for me like that. Okay. So anything we're going to guess that one more but anything that has a story like that is optional. You got me. Okay, if you want to talk to your girlfriend's about why your story's true and you guys can sit around and drink wine and eat chocolate and Ben and Jerry's and cry about it then go for it. But if you want to talk to me, I'm going to tell you your story is optional. Because it's actually nicer. I don't want you stuck in it tool number two is going to be beware of boundaries that you're setting to control often times when we're in victim mentality. What we try to do is control what's happening outside of us because that's understandable right meaning something's happening to me. I don't like what's happening to me. So I'm going to tell you my boundaries so my boundaries might be like, you can't talk to me or my A child or my husband like that. All right, here's how you know if you're in victim mentality because you come back afterwards and you're like I told them my boundaries and they didn't listen and then you're like spinning right? What do I do and instead stronger boundaries? Right? I need to tell them again. I need to have all my friends tell me how inappropriate that was, right. I need to come up with some kind of diagnosis for this person. They're clearly a narcissist right when a brother. I'm not saying no one's an artist has but we also do that sometimes right. So here's the thing if you're feeling frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn't followed. You didn't set a boundary that's not called a boundary. Okay, and if you want to look into Brooke Castillo, she talks extensively about this, but I'll give you the summary right here. What you did is you told someone what to do and they didn't listen to you. Okay, any time we tell someone what to do they might do it, and they might not Fact of life. Okay a boundary is when I tell them that if they do something I will have to do the other thing you do X I do why you curse in front of my two-year-old. I'll be leaving with my two-year-old. Yeah, you drink too much on our date. I will get a cab home. Okay, so a boundary is if you do this, I'll do this. You're never spinning out of control if you have a boundary. It's that like that because you know what you're going to do. It's not reliant on the other person. Okay, so that's going to get you straight out of victim mode victim mode is I need them to change their behavior. So I'm going to tell them rules boundaries are I got me covered. I'm going to take care of myself. I'll be fine. This person might do something. I don't like I'm going to do what I need to do to take care of myself, and I'm not going to be frustrated or upset because they shouldn't be that way. Way they're going to just be whatever way they're going to be and I'm going to be okay. Right and you guys can totally do this. You really can. However, that person is being is exactly how they should be. Tool number 3 articulate the thought are you guys getting used to me saying this yet? I think this is becoming like one of my catchphrases. I think it's come up and pretty much every podcast episode articulate the thought we articulate. I mean it needs to be an actual words. You can't question a thought if you haven't articulated it. Okay. So if you're like, oh I've got this thing about me and guys I can't do anything with that. Right? You can't do anything with that find out what your story is. If it's I'm not the happily-ever-after type. Nothing good ever happens to me. I want you to write it down and look at it. And then here's the thing. Don't try and change it yet. Don't be in a big rush to make it go away. Just look at it. Feel it be with it acknowledge where it's been in your brain. This is like a really, you know, they say like the neural Pathways that we use over and over like super highways, right? They just the cars just go straight down so easy. It's so fast. There's no traffic on these ones. Yeah, so you've been having this thought a long time just like notice that that that's been happening that's been coming up. So automatically it's not even a conscious decision anymore just happens. And so what we tend to do is we have articulate the thought and then we immediately try to jump to another thought really fast because this one's really uncomfortable. Yeah, or we're starting to realize that this one's doing bad things for us. It's creating bad results in our life, but I really want to urge you not to be in a rush. We don't have to run away from it because it's only a sentence that were thinking that's all it is. There's nothing urgent. It's just thoughts and feelings. Tip number four is I want you to start noticing the results of your thought. So here's where we want to focus on the present instead of which is really normal and natural to go past focused. Okay, what we want to do is be like, oh happily ever after. Well, of course, I feel that way the first guy that I've ever dated. This is how it ended up and this is what happened with my parents and this is how you know, I thought that I was going to be the captain of the team and I lost it in the last moment and look at all this proof I have Have that I'm just not the happily ever after type things. Just don't work out for me. That's what we want to do. We want to go back to all of our evidence of why it's true and it feels productive, right? It feels like if we go back there, we're going to sort of uncover the truth of where it comes from. But all we're really doing is we're walking those Pathways over and over again. We're reinforcing the original thought so unless you're doing it in a really careful way. You could really fall into this trap of like look how true this is because look at my history. So I know it's very interesting. It's very compelling to question where your story came from you first sure have lots of reasons of why your story's true. But right now what I want you to do is stay in the present and look at what the thought is doing. So that means how is it making you feel? I'm like really take some time with that. What kinds of things are you capable of because you have this thought? And what kinds of things are you not capable of because you have this thought. So just spend some time getting to know it getting to know the results of it getting to know the effect of it in your life. Could take some time on that. And that's really the next tip tip number five, which is to live with your thought. She probably saying steps. These are like Steps not tips. I'm switching from now on it's Steps step number five live with your thought. So now that you've gone scientific and cerebral right? You've articulated it and you're noticing it now. I want you to go do some field research how that's how this is playing out for you because you're going to gather a little bit from right now. Okay in the last week or two I see when I had that thought how it worked out, but I want you to now move. Forward knowing that thought in your head and then watch it in action. Okay. So when you see this thought show up and you identify how it's making you feel and what you're doing when you have that thought and what it's getting you in your life. So you should write it down or what is often a really good shortcut send a voice memo and I would say send a voice memo to your podcast buddy. Some of you guys have pod. Cast buddies for this podcast and that's so awesome. If you don't have one just go get one to share this episode and then you've got a podcast buddy and then you can send your voice memos to each other about when your thought is coming up. Okay. Step number six is now this is the part you were waiting for you get to start to Jiggle It Loose. Okay. So here are some questions you want to ask yourself. How is the opposite of my story also true? So for instance, how do I always get happily ever after? So I just experienced this I was going into the holidays and with all the thoughts and feelings and emotions of going into the days of repentance and self-analysis and wanting to grow and hoping to be leaving behind any of our negative traits vary like intense couple days, which is a wonderful thing. I was feeling very low about everything that had happened with my health and the previous year those of you who've been following the podcast. No, but I develop type 1 diabetes, which is an autoimmune condition over. Last year and spent a lot of time feeling really horrible. And at this point now I'm going to be insulin-dependent for the rest of my life barring any medical or otherworldly Miracles. So I'm sitting there thinking I really got beat up this year right this last year. I really was put through the ringer. So what's going to be next year, right? So it's feeling like really like nervous and unmotivated didn't want to connect. But then I realized that the opposite of that story was equally true. Right and so I can give you my example and it's not going to be the same as your example, but then when I when I looked at the opposite, so I feel like I've been through the ringer but then I was like but also, how was this the best year ever? So not only did I have reasons that this was the best year ever but I also had two reasons that this particular challenge this particular diagnosis was actually also a blessing did also make things happen in our life that we had dreamed of for years. Years and years like moving to Israel, right? So Yours isn't necessarily going to translate as quickly, but often it will often when you have the thought and then you just want to look at it from the other side. You're going to see not that now. I'm just deluding myself right? I'm not just saying. Oh that thoughts on comfortable. Let me go have this squeaky clean thought that's why I like it really nervous when people are trying to do like mantras and you know Law of Attraction stuff because they're not paying attention first to what's going on in their brain. They're just trying to replace it with other stuff. So I feel like it's like it's Taking a really weak foundation and then building like one of those Hollywood houses that they use in scenes where it's like all cardboard, you know, and there's no there's no rooms. It's just the front of the house. You guys know what I'm talking about. I spent a lot of time at MGM as a kid because I'm from Orlando, but you know what? I mean like those those like fake houses that look like houses from the outside, but there's nothing inside over like a really weak Foundation. That's kind of how I feel like what's happening. They're building these massive houses on no Foundation because instead of looking into what's actually going on in their brain and realizing That everything that's happening is just because of a thought and the thought is just words. It's just a sentence in your head and that that makes it optional. Right, and then I just try and immediately like adopted ones that feel better or feel more powerful or feel more like they're going to make me a lot of money or whatever it is. So I'm building on a very weak foundation. So what we're doing is we're starting by jingling at loose right? We're asking how the opposite is also true. Why because you need to see the truth in the fact that it is only a thought. Right not because I want you to jump to the new Happy Mantra, but because you need to see that it's only a thought. After this experience going into the holiday. They realized that I could totally see this as having gone through the ringer last year and I can totally see this as one of the biggest blessings of my life and they're equally true which makes them optional. Neither one is make-believe. Neither one is fantasy. They're just both thoughts. And so then what I what I generally want to do is then say, okay. So my goal is to be this this this idea this I this this image I have Of my values and who I want to be and how I want to show up in the world and how I want to contribute to the world. So which one of these is going to help me and honestly, sometimes it might be the other one. Sometimes it might be the negative one. Sometimes I might want to be able to say set to someone else I get where you're coming from. I know what it means to feel beaten up. I know what it means to not get Wai something could happen to you. Right but a lot of the times it's going to for me. It's going to be a practicing gratitude of the other of the positive thought. Alright, so then when you've jiggled those thoughts looks right when you've gone through them when you really identify them when you started to play with them and see how they're showing up in your life. If you really gotten their sober some of you I know you've been really working this material and you've been listening regularly and you've been listening from the beginning and you really are are applying it to your life. So you can try this and don't be frustrated if it doesn't work because this is advanced stuff. Is go all out go playful and pick a new amazing thought doesn't have to be replaced. This one. Just pick some new thought that try it on because if you really get to the place of realizing how arbitrary our thoughts are. Then you can do this, then you can do this game of like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. Right the only reason that when I first got my diagnosis, I wasn't completely Crushed by it was because I was in the middle of a very intensive cohort of first-year married, which means I was doing the coaching consistently, right? And so I had so much mental Clarity on how my thoughts were affecting me and I had so much of a power of play of being able to put in new thoughts because I had done the initial foundational work of seeing how my thoughts are affecting me. Those are steps guys seven steps. I noticed some of you I don't know if this feels more like review. I hope not. I hope this is going to help you really take this material and apply it more. I think we like to grab onto catchphrases and I think the phrase victim mentality really is one of those catch phrases and I want to always encourage you to be a little skeptical be a little suspicious of phrases like that because once we name it something then it sort of has this like it's in bold print, you know, it's it's important and serious. Right? So I'm taking victim mentality and trying Get down for you into really truthfully the basic thought work. We all go there. And sometimes we're more caught up in a certain story, which does Place Us in the role of the victim in a certain area of our life. Right? Like I said, like you might it might be coming up a lot in your marriage or maybe coming up a lot when it comes to overeating or you might be coming up a lot somewhere else in your life. But ultimately what it means is if you're going through these seven steps identify the feeling watch out for boundaries that you're setting to control. So make sure you're doing boundaries properly articulate the thought notice the results of your thought. live with your thought jiggle the thought loose and then if you want move on to the advanced skill of go all out and pick a brand-new amazing thought then we can take this big sort of scary concept of victim mentality and boil it down to something that's very actionable very practical and mostly very normal. It's so normal right? Sometimes we think things are normal. They're like, we're paralyzed it's so normal. So I hope these tools are powerful and helpful. You again those of you who want to take this work further and you fit this profile Orthodox Jewish you want to go and do the collar cohort? I would love to have you you want to join the first year married program. That's not your cohort. You can either reach out to me. We can put a cohort together, or you can join into the Evergreen first-year married program, which is online all the time at first you're married.com. I would love to see you in there. I would love to work with you either way, and thank you so much for tuning in this week. I will talk to you again. Next week. Bye. Bye.
I was looking through some of the requests that I’ve received for topics to cover and I wanted to address the one that would give us the biggest room for growth, the most potential. And so this question “how do I get out of victim mentality?” really stuck out to me. Because as long as we see ourselves as a victim, we are BY DEFINITION powerless. Before we go further: November 10 is the first call of our Kallah Cohort, a specific LIVE First Year Married course for women in the Orthodox Jewish community! The first class is free and no-obligation, but you need to sign up to get a spot! See you there! An important note about this whole episode: this material, like all of my material, does NOT apply to unhealthy or abusive relationships. We all have ups and downs--as individuals and in our marriages--but I encourage anyone who is unsure if their relationship is abusive or dysfunctional to seek out a qualified couples therapist. Here is one great resource. We all fall into victim mentality sometimes, whether it’s a story about our relationship or our abilities at work or with our physical health or self-discipline… Here are seven steps to help you leave victim mode behind. Identify the feeling. Knowing the feeling, viscerally, will help you “red flag” it for the future. How does it feel in your body? What are your habitual thoughts? What’s the story? Anything with a story is optional. Beware of boundaries set to control. If you are frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn’t followed, you didn’t set a boundary you just told someone what to do and they didn’t do it. Listen to learn how to set boundaries that don't leave you in victim-mode. Articulate the thought. You guys getting used to me saying this? You can’t question a thought until you articulate it. So what’s the story? “I’m not the happily-ever-after type.” So write it down. Look at it. Feel it. Be with it. Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of it. What we tend to do is we half-articulate it then we try to jump to another thought so fast because this one is so painful. Don’t be in a rush. It’s not urgent, it’s just feelings. Notice the results of your thought. Here’s where we want to focus on the present instead of, as is a natural tendency, to go past-focused. It’s interesting to question where your story came from. You for sure have reasons for why it’s true. But right now just look at WHAT THE THOUGHT IS DOING. How does it make you feel? What kinds of things are you capable of with this thought? What aren’t you? Live with your thought. Now that you’ve gone scientific and cerebral, gather some field research on how it’s playing out for you. Watch it in action. Write it down or send a voice memo to your podcast buddy if you have one (if not, time to get one!) Now you can start to jiggle it loose. How is the opposite true? How do you always get happily-ever-after? (Going into the holidays feeling so low from everything that happened with my health this year… then realized the opposite is equally true.) Advanced skill: Go all-out play and pick a new amazing thought! This ONLY works if you’ve really spent time in your current thought, with awareness and mindfulness! Thanks so much for the question and I look forward to seeing you back here next week! In the meantime, have you checked out my FREE class at FirstYearMarried.com? 