Hello and welcome to the third episode of sleepy computer. We're kind of hitting our stride now. Yeah, I think we're really getting a feel for the text and I think the computer is as well. So for this one we thought maybe we'd have a go at something with a bit more suspense and hopefully a bit less Bloodshed. I thought we'd go for a heist story. I think like Excel when I think haste I'm thinking high-octane High drama sexy. It might be sexy. We don't know. I'm not sure what understanding of sexy the machine. Has I guess we'll have to find out. Okay, so we'll generate ourselves in a i Heist story and see how we get on. His name was James Cogswell. He was a career Criminal Who was now good. He had serious money troubles and an extended network of criminal Friends James Caldwell began his career as a Salesman with what we here in New York call farming. We buy the seeds we cut ourselves and we make it grow with some fertilizer chemicals. He was able to cultivate over 50 plants per month on one small land site of high quality cannabis this began his spiral into the crime. Can I mean does that meet the definition of farming? Well, I know this because I'm from from a farming town and you do cut yourself. It's an important part. I mean, how can you expect the plan to sacrifice itself? If you're not going to sacrifice yourself James was born on November the 14th 1927 in Richmond, Kentucky the daughter of Joseph Cogswell a lawyer in Virginia and Margie ironmen a nurse in Arkansas. He opened his heart to one woman. Sally who had never lived in prison or been arrested because the police saw her as a minor. Oh, oh. Oh no. Oh no. Oh, no, he's a minor. That's that's concerning. Well, maybe she wasn't a minor when they met. Um, she was aged only 19 at the time and although that fact was the primary factor James was between 20 and 30 in many ways. She was extremely bright. She didn't know about his history. Although he gave her Two and a half hours in which to ask any questions, which she needed an answer to she mainly asked about food about music and literature and whether the nearest coffee place could be he never allowed it to ask anything else though for her questions were too intrusive. Um, that's a red flag. Madhu did I think it's I think that's pretty standard practice in a new relationship to just give the other person a fixed time window to ask any questions about your past. And and if they don't think of anything important to ask they can Who asked you a question about your past again? If I may say she did shit the bed that she has like terrible question. I think my first question would be are you a serial killer or a criminal or criminal? Right and I feel as though she probably should have asked are you a criminal seeing how this is going? She also didn't know about that money troubles or how much he owed that landlord who was one time the son of the chief superintendent. He kept it from her. Which wasn't as distasteful after the previous year's secret. That's how it works one secret per year. You're allowed to keep from your spouse. It's like Christmas, but awful. He never told her that he lived with a prostitute every so often or that he was one of four Partners who each paid one or two thousand Pounds into a giant Bank of cocaine and prostitution. One thing was certain there James refused to give her a reason not to marry into his family family. Yeah. James stumbled down the stairs and picked up the letters by the front door. He flip them over and read them aloud to himself dear sir. You are with money and you're making us look stupid by not giving it to us. We're going to have to get rid of you. If you don't get it to us before we do. It's just a matter of time. I cannot tell you how intimidate I would be to receive a letter from Kermit the frog Kermit the Frog here get us the money or world. Break your legs. James said oh my God. What am I going to do? I owe two thousand pounds to my landlord and I don't know what to do about it. I also 1000-pound to the bank and also to the car. I've got to find a way to get out of these bad financial circumstances. He didn't have the courage to tell Sally why he was going down the dark and lonely path, but he could do this little thing to save her and her family from his financial troubles. The money was worth dying. And to receive and he had a plan to get it. He could connect his old best friend George and beg him to help him get in contact with the old crew. They just needed to pull off one last job one last trick on the job to get some cash into James's pocket. James is old school teacher had once given the young man a few tricks on how to pull off the scam and he had never forgot that lesson the first trick he learned was how to use a telephone to ring the people who had a hand in a large debt. He was about to go to jail for and then get them to hand over. Over the money without a word of complaint by using his powers of persuasion and the second trick was what is old school teacher called The Bounty game. I hope this is like a game where you can seal chocolates on your person is the coconut by your upper thigh is my guest in this Con you got someone a person with the powers to give people false news information that is a hundred times worse than lies. And you would get them all together and tell them all one day that they were getting robbed in a bank as a result of all the bad press the bank was getting the huge insurance company would be filing a large amount of money and he could borrow it to pay the debts. I mean I am following the scam is is the AI giving us ideas. This was a classic pnl in your purse scheme. If one could only get it against people you could be confident that you wouldn't lose a bit. Yes a p&l in your purse key. I'm a big fan of it following a lot of the panel in your purse schemes are well aware. One of my favorite genres of financial crime. He got through to George and asked him whether his parents knew about this scam because he wanted to use it again on others and George's parents were all well-known and Rich citizens. They were quite knowledgeable. This stuff George was quick to put this into the mix Jim herb or you're the best chance of making my parents believe anything. I've seen all you talked about in public and the way you talked with people shows you're capable of dealing with it. Even if we do some very nasty crap that might come from you. Maybe we should make some big bad decisions, but I think we don't have to make a big problem with it because we know we're all in this. One thing together James. I know you're in money problems. You haven't been able to get it from your parents for years. I understand the difficulty of it and I think you've got to go big and get it back. James was surprised by his friends suggestion. George was usually very light-hearted with his friends. But James was not he detected a certain contempt in his friends tone and it was hard not to feel sympathy for George. George had always been a good friend to James. And he was very hard-working James considered him one of the best lawyers that Britain ever produced. I did not know he was British James considered one of the best lawyers that Britain ever produced even though he was actually a pretty bad lawyer. It seems so unlikely that in the middle of the year that George would suggest a huge emergency scam, but I guess everyone will have their way even George. I haven't spoken a whole word with you in 20 years and you aren't very funny when I do. But why you said tonight really does shocked me. I completely agree. The emergency scam the whole mess will probably make millions. I'm really excited really sad and nervous about going to bed in case this doesn't happen George agreed that they shouldn't go to bed because their business may be worth a ton of money and they should spend the night thinking about how this is a terrible idea and coming up with a better scam James ordered some coffee to break up any border man as George if he wanted. More coffee so that they were both able to keep their minds in their hats and focus all of this stuff on their business. Sure. I think it would help I can also order a pizza. It should be delicious James was totally into that a big pizza for this Layton was exactly what he needed to get through today a perfect pie to eat to remind themselves. How much of their energy they were wasting on this bullshit. James asked George which toppings might be good as well as Kind of sources. They want George decided that maybe the crust should have the word greed all over it. And as to which topics there were James read out the list. You can choose from cheese Parmesan hot chocolate Red Onion tomato sauce pepper jelly beans cream cream sauces peanut has heart wings or hot potato pretty standard list of topics. I mean, that's what you find in any Pizza Express. George was disappointed. That's just too cheesy. He thought and doesn't even cover his Meats, especially those red inclusions. He sighed and made his own. Can I have the meat for the pizza in extra heavy white fat instead? Also, let me use the pizza topping as dipping vessel. Also. Can I get salad for my dessert? I also need to stop the carbs and carbs is so over my head with pizza. I mean, it's pretty normal to ask feel meat to be sort of surrounded by extra heavy white fat. Well, I just know that I usually use the dipping the top. Popping as as a dipping vessel. That's it to me. Just put on my topic in the middle, please and I'll dip the pizza into it just like it's a fondue ever so lightly just dip James was a bit embarrassed, but accepted and agreed to these conditions and phone the nearest pizza place John John Pizza Bar and Kitchen. Maybe he's cousins with Wayne Wayne. Their tagline was Delight your cheese pecs in any Source you want. So obviously they were pretty big on toppings. They when I free to get on with that day planning the heist James told John John on the phone about it and then told him not to tell the police and to have fun. Why has he told the pizza delivery guy? I don't know George and John agreed on one thing about the plan. It must be very very hot. They both wanted an even share of the profits. And what would the cops and lawyers think of it? Well, they could make a lot of noise about what he did and why he did it but really all they could do is wait for him. To do the crime they needed to select a Target George had suggested the most lucrative one. So the cops would be afraid of it. The National Grid the country's electrical generator. He liked the idea of stealing all the National Power in one operation. It wasn't cheap, but it would make them feel powerful and confident James wasn't sure how to fit it in there 2004 Volvo. So George suggest getting an Audi, but James wasn't sure he was getting the point. George why don't we target the whole country in one move by infiltrating the government and just do a very simple one we could break into the Department of Transportation and steal their power source. We'd get a fortune and we'd be free to drive four weeks in front of everyone else without being stopped or arrested George couldn't believe the unbelievable thing a bit of a His brain couldn't believe it his head was so full with all these theories. He was ready to throw up his hands and say he was going to sleep. I'm going to sleep. But the more he thought about it the more he saw a lot of potential it felt as if the world wanted him and they didn't like him being a little freaked out James had a twinkle in his eye the whole time and the moment he saw his first Target the federal government in his mind everything exploded into high gear. With the most important department cripple to the very core the country would only be able to look on with disbelief as he drove around the nation trying to destroy these big things to bring him lots of money James and George would need a crew to go undercover and be a double assassin order to open the door. One of them would have to go to the Department of Transport by taking the train to go to Washington D D. They'd also need to recruit a new hit man that hired because he'd been to the Pentagon before and wanted to do what he did best. They planted it. To a car in the hotel suite with a lot of money hidden inside a pocket big groan Keys plus plenty of drugs the whole gang headed in through the basement of the hotel as George and James started putting on a very loud mask they had flown in from the UK. It was an incredibly dramatic thing everybody thought but it was well better than having to be killed. Now what I also like about this story is the fact that you know, usually like in a lot of high stories that go through that flashy opening where they're like, this is like, Like the Codebreaker and this is the what's your mother who's in he does he flicks switches, but here they're just like they have the gang it's already ready. Don't worry about don't worry about and ask questions about the gang like everyone's got a job to do or sorted. Don't worry. Don't ask they died at the end. Yeah, maybe maybe they all piled into the suite and found a bed under glass which had two people inside sleeping and wearing nothing but clothes from clothes shopping. So they thought they would try and find another room this time there. Able to talk through the details of the plan without being disturbed by others in the room or the screaming James called out to the ragtag crowd that were already here. Okay. Let's go through the plan for getting out of this hotel and stealing some gold jewelry or some diamonds or something everyone get out your watch and get ready because there's some type of crime or some icky event to do he started to laugh and laugh maniacally pointing to one girl that looked like like they are about to vomit on one hand and bending his knees as far apart from everybody as possible. Everyone else started laughing out loud and moving about in circles with George being the only exception to go to the bathroom and wipe his forehead. It was nearly five a.m. Everyone was tired to their teeth, but it was time to get to work. And that's the end of the first part. I mean, I mean, I'm tired to my teeth of reading it my teeth have fallen out. So it's I think there's less Exposition than normal. Like we've just gone with it. They're meeting together as you say, we've met like two characters total, right but that's but it's Vivid. Like I know what they're gonna do. There's a plan there's a there's a there's a heist underway and you know what? I like the fact that neither of them are like Heroes of the story like in Ocean's Eleven, you have George Clooney who's like kind of the like you want it you're rooting for him. I'm not rooting for either of these two, maybe George because I feel as though he's redeemable. That's fast. I mean, I hope that over the pizza guy. Oh John John I have done becomes involved, but I don't think he probably will. I mean you've got a crack in plan and it sounds that they put together a ragtag team. I think it's a quote. So I'm looking forward to some high Jinks. I'm looking forward to a nice clean Heist. Let's read the second part. Everybody got their watches bags of money and money orders out at listen to James as he ran through each one of the different plans one by one in his frantic but determined toe. He talked very clearly in an authoritative and focused manner as everybody thought back to their experience of the night earlier. Okay. Let's get each of our members into different positions Darlene get us a diamond engagement ring using your favorite knife. It will be easier because this time the report Ring will have everything but one Jewel Terrence and todson will be carrying an AK-47 or even more deadly weapons since the police don't even care if we're carrying guns or knives and we're attacking the department to steal this expensive equipment. So as we move to a spot called the rear parking lot it is best not to worry about being seen or noticed by anyone because Aaron's will be on fire from his rifle so that you don't hear anything the guards in this building also seem friendly. They're nice and we can always just ask them if anyone wants to help to get the equipment into this parking lot. George was a bit unconvinced that the gods were friendly, but he gave them a not. Anyway, he knew how much it took to get to that room. It was a total mess of broken doors and broken elevators and stairs. So it would be more fun to see if the two cops would help them or just stand aside as his friend. James continued once we steal the power source, the power switch on our van will be broken. So we'll have to walk through the main entrance ourselves and get the power to power our van up using power chords Mickey. It's time for me to put on your uniform. You'll be dressing up as a female police detective James thought this sounded nice and its own weird sense. So instead of just trying to mumble it he chose to explain exactly a Mickey took a step. Back in all Mickey picked up his outfit a brown skirt that reached down below his knickers too. Long dark black boots that turned into shoes when it hit his skin and his usual red hat with white letters spelling make a he looked like they're kind of detective whose parents lived and died without owning a television, but he did feel sexy and handsome enough with blue eyes and long brown hair and silver teeth like the boy in the Ikea home commercials. I mean, I remember Those commercials well Vivid like the play with the Silver T and the the folding storage system. Finally George. I want you to be an actor for me this month as our decoy our secret agent living as a female police detective for two months in the ice-covered snow on the streets of Boston and then Scavenging for food because you're not allowed by law to use cars. Can you do that Mickey steady? To James has eyes for several minutes before nodding his head winking at George George winked back again at Mickey and the rest of the room erupted into laughter and fun with a lot of the boys getting the laugh of their lives and the girls finding out all about the ice cream man who was about to steal their heart when he saw the Ikea boys silver smile. There was a lot of back-and-forth between James Mickey Paul and Bob. Well the fuck's Bob all of whom were feeling jealous because they weren't Going to be living as a woman and that was a big deal. Right? So James got George a lovely outfit a white and blue top that said ice cream King red lipstick and a blue blouse with purple stripes to keep his manliness in check with purple ear flaps with George undercover. They were ready to go out on a mission and to start the heist on the way there James told Bob that he's not allowed to talk because he's quite nervous around animals and it's really bad for his psyche to be talked to by an idiot in front of them the team sang a song on a a portable radio that everyone knew the lyrics to wet shampoo on water. You want some shampoo? You better not waste it you'll ruin my makeup line. You need a shower baby. Hey, you'll never get in my pants. We just met but you know exactly how to dress. I have my own business. When's it go? Going to rain. I'll need some soap to you. Don't remember your hair type. I remember that song well from my youth. I think I remember who it's by but Bananarama, yeah by the little Ikea but it's not the team soon arrived at the top floor of the building via the elevator which was out of order due to the sheer amount of dirt. The elevator used the team had parked in a parking lot in order to sneak through as quickly as possible while avoiding getting caught on the radar there were four guards in line of battle. With no security or surveillance cameras in the buildings. They were arranged in a triangle as one unit of men watching over the power source, James signaled for his men to move and grab one of the guards guns with his long tongue to ensure everyone didn't get away. He's a mutant the men circled the area as if trying to determine from what direction the guards would be moving and that attacked the guards from all directions while a team of armed thugs surrounded the door at random shooting indiscriminately. There was a A skirmish and they quickly began firing back. The noise was like sirens on a highway that only went from town to suburb like something in hell. It was really honestly terrible James shouted above the noise All Hands fire all hands fire aim for every guard and they will bleed in an orderly fashion. We must attack these men to ensure their death and get our hands on their power we only Five minutes of this to make this a better world for me and all who are alive. The government is on fire and I am fighting them. I must have a strong presence as well. And I need to be the final one to ensure my team with James splattered through gasps and then pulled himself up to his knees the sound was louder. Other than the fire in its eye he looked down at his face. He could never get rid of it there. He saw the burning blood covering his forehead, huh where he saw a bullet hole. He had never seen his own always been shot. Oh, he looked at the team and they were laughing and celebrating which he thought was a rather horrible thing considering how much he died in the next few minutes. George kept laughing as he saw his friend Keel over dead and George didn't care. I always okay. No, I really I I saw this coming because I thought I was like George get I year planning something different James had long been a coward George never thought twice of killing him. He lowered the gun and said to the rest of the guys we had been up against the wall, but he couldn't handle the power coming his way. If anyone has a problem. They have come up. Don't forget I'll deal with it. If you ask me really if anyone has a problem speak up or get on with some males. It's his voice was like that of a dead rabbit that had run out of milk. Suddenly. George was afraid all about his chest hair which kept growing like crazy as he got colder. He didn't feel his arms anymore. But he loaded up the energy source into the pickup using a handkerchief. He'd picked up he looked around and his team and the dead guards before lighting two cigarettes and holding one out on either side of each foot. He lit a third smoke before putting all his effort towards the last bullet he had before collapsing on Backside and firing it towards a large hole behind him containing a big coldren of gunpowder the whole building exploded before landing in a pit of dark blue oil the teen drove away in the pickup and George lit his two cigars to the sounds of thunder and the heavy clang of Steel bullets as they rain down. I mean, so there's like what two cigars and three cigarettes that oh and there in his feet there in his hands. he took a drag of each smoke and said Let this be one of the final exams in the history of gentlemen. That's a pretty badass line. If I'm honest, it's the most badass thing that I've ever said as the pickup reached the city walls the team split up and set up their own lives Vinnie the boy, I don't fuck is this it doesn't matter Vinnie the boy spent his share on cleaning houses while the other boys stayed behind to defend the giant pile of mashed potatoes. He'd invested in his Vinny. The boy with a silver smile. He might be the boy with the silver smile the giant pile of mashed potatoes in the next few years. He'd go on to make thousands while working in his friend Rick's shop selling a series of expensive and unusual trinkets in the shape of the word. Good nice. I think if I'm honest I would sell really well too. I would love like a trick in it said good nice is that it's just insanely good nice is not a word it is no the demolition expert Ricky. Key, fatty far spent his cut on a small barbecue of pork-belly tossed alongside beans and gravy. He invited a couple of dozen Family Associates along with his own friends along but nobody wanted or bothered to so he died of hunger in the end Ricky that's kind of sad all four of the gunman worked together on a few of the most important jobs in this Village planting corn cleaning Wells butchering meat and Gathering wood for building a makeshift fortification. One of the gunmen Raul became so deeply addicted to alcohol and drugs. He would actually spend his mornings drinking out of a cardboard Container full of his father's ashes. Oh my God, James remain silent as he was executed by his friend that was good of it. But he managed to sustain a full beard until at least the morning of February where he was placed on a scaffold alongside one of his friends as part of his funeral everybody through a large number of empty bottles of champagne over him. Good time soon and shewed as for George. He was found and charged by the local Army for being too young to marry his childhood companion Maria. Okay. So everyone in this story is a paedophile. He was sentenced to seven strokes of death while the military danced their new heroism dance in the middle of an occupied Village Under curfew and was never seen again. And that's it. That's all that's all. That's the whole story. Not my God. You know what but we did. I like how it tied up at the end. I mean there was kind of an element of like the op gone wrong, you know, but I mean like well James died and to be fair his funeral is exactly how I'd want my dear old to go. I'll remember that. I want to be propped up by one of my friends. Yep. A scaffold and then I want people to shuck shuck empty champagne bottles, which I'm guessing they've already drunk weight and well, that's because it said a good time soon Institute and I'm guessing they're absolutely pissed. Yeah the entire building blew up which is a recurring theme it is also why was it just filled to the brim with gunpowder? Kala collagen cauldron of old and this is actually called re they've got intelligent baby. It was like a it's thing like a booby trap. How what why why would you do that to a building in case of Siege? Just just in case we'll just you owe the fucker up. Yeah, just shoot the entire culture and make sure no one smokes awake George lit five cigarettes. He lets Circle cigarettes near this big cauldron of gunpowder and then shot it it wasn't even one of the cigarettes that said enough which actually Be dope as hell. I made it sounds its sides pretty like badass. Yeah, like you'd like, you know you that I would say this is the story that I would like turned into a film the most so far. Oh hell. Yeah, and I would definitely watch that know, who would you want to play jacks Sigourney Weaver? I don't know why that was my first. Oh, yes. Absolutely Sigourney Weaver. I just see it as a career defining defining role. Because there is there is cross-dressing in it, right? You know, what here's the thing. I think she would she play to the ninth. Yeah, I think she will take this on with a poem a poem or a plum we have with aplomb. Yeah. I have a new favorite simile, which is his voice was like that of a dead rabbit that I'd run out of milk. What do you think? That sounds like? Well, I don't like I'm presumably I'm imagining like the corpse of a rabbit this Festival but the voice is actually quite raspy because of the lack of milk. But it also it's amazing dated from not having enough calcium in its diet. No, no stop stop. Please stop we have to talk about the song. Absolutely and I I'm not even joking. I love it. I it's got some like real good singers in here and I plan on using these in my next rap battle. You'll ruin my makeup line. I mean, I just did you wearing my makeup line will devalue That's that's the burn you need a shower baby. You'll never get in my pants shampoo on Walter. It's kind of it sounds poetic. Like I don't know I was about to like oil and water like that the shampoo and water mix. I mean, I feel like it's like, okay kind of lovers. I guess. Here's the thing. Yeah, like you have like the the suds like on the sort of like Safari like, yeah. It's like I am I'm above you but yeah shampoo on 100. Yeah, like obviously another pretty successful adding for the algorithm. I think I think it's done a good job. I could follow what was going on. Oh, I think you did a great job. I you know what, I would read this just but like to send me this like, yeah, but apparently that's how a lot of people to listen when they're sending themselves to sleeping just like because it's a computer dreaming. That's the that's the entire conceit. You know, what maybe it'll send you into some really weird dreams but fun. Yeah you could you listening is this story? About as weird as my dreams. So I think stress me out. Just hearing about I dreamt last this is this is not relevant ready to the podcast. But I dreamt last night that I burnt down a hotel Jesus. That's something you could have done. Yeah. I was on like fired UE which I never did in real life. I just had everyone died. Oh my God, but I mean I was all right. Anyway, so tune in next time for another story. And yeah, I we're taking requests if you've got an idea. For a story. Yeah, if you have an idea for a story right in so if you've got an idea for what sort of story we should write give us a little tweet at sleepy underscore computer. Yeah, let us know because I would we'd love to hear from you and we'll know I know that's not true if your idea isn't crap, and we might use it in a future episode. Bye.
A story of subterfuge and theft, in which transportation grinds to a halt, and someone called Mickey wears a hat with his name on it. Tweet us your plot point ideas at https://twitter.com/sleepy_computer or subscribe at https://sleepy.computer/  Sleepy Computer is a podcast where the computer writes jokes for our brain. We use AI on artificial computers that give "brain stories", and we read out the  random stories while  the music plays - using the same algorithm that's writing this paragraph. In today’s episode the music was written by Blue Dot Sessions. We call it "Sleepy Computer" because the  random computer-made  jokes are similar to the ones that humans  make when we're dreaming. Each episode, it will  randomly generate  a  new story. We're told  by the computer what to say next, and although we do not dictate the topic or the  meaning of the story, we'll selectively delete bad ideas or  sentences if we think  they're not funny anymore or they take us too far from the original  story. The stories are about 90% generated by the computer itself, and  our 10% input is mainly grammar. Why not subscribe to Sleepy Computer  via  your favourite podcast software for automatic  delivery? Just click "subscribe" and tell your friend who you like that they want this too. This helps improve their opinion of you : your friend quality is greatly increased. You can find us by visiting our website: sleepy.computer, or searching for 'sleepy computer' wherever you get your podcasts. 