On this podcast we discussed real life experiences with teens and adults right here in Santa Barbara the knowledge. We gain and share from these talks are in aim to help young men and women build a solid foundation of confidence. Tears of Rage filled my eyes and streamed down my cheeks as I desperately tried to inflict some sort of pain on my older cousins in the front yard of the house on the Mesa. Although this may sound a little violent who was actually all for fun mixed with learning that tough life lesson of how to stand up for yourself and when needed to fight as far back as I can remember, my mother made it a point to be home with us and put her heart and soul into raising not only her children, but also many cousins around my age are days were filled. Trips to the park and hours upon hours at the beach. Another way. We learn to enjoy ourselves was when my mom would have us put on the gloves to box each other or go at it wrestling inevitably someone would start crying but we were never to quit and when all said and done we shook hands and went on playing another great memory is my dad coming home from work and somehow always finding the energy to play with me. It just so happens. One of my favorite things to play with him was to fight. This was especially enjoyable because unlike fighting my older cousins in the front yard in these fights. I somehow came up on top every time or at least that's what he had led me to believe but either way it did wonders for my confidence. I must say I was absolutely lucky to have such loving parents and very fortunate to have the childhood. I did now after hearing what I just shared about my childhood would be pretty hard to believe that for some mysterious reason as I hit puberty and became a teenager that I would consider the very parents that showed me so much love and support. Now my enemies also for reasons I couldn't understand how I became absolutely terrified of fighting which led to me not sticking up for myself, which led me to be seen as weak and therefore picked on regularly. I often self-reflect on the choices. I made as teenagers and all the bad things. I put my parents through and I can remember even back then having a sense of guilt of why I fell and acted the way I did coming from such a loving home. I would see Others around me who had a real bad at home, but in my young mind that didn't make me feel better that actually led me to feel even worse about myself after battling with all these negative thoughts day in and day out. It was only a matter of time before I just decide to stop feeling any type of emotions at all. I'm sharing all this with you to spread awareness that our youth no matter their background can fall victim to all the evil things. This world has to offer good parenting is a solid foundation No Doubt with I've been said it's only natural to start to rebalance our parents or any childhood authority figures for that matter as we become teens. It's my belief that at this time that we also need something else. We can be a part of to be heard and seen by others other peers we can contribute to and gain significance from some may find it in a positive form like School sports or a job Others May follow a more negative path in turn to drugs unhealthy relationships or breaking the law the following Is my story and how I went from an honor student to a gang member? The year I graduated from fifth grade was the same year that Santa Barbara School District move sixth grade from elementary schools to Junior High's which in turn were then name middle schools. This wasn't a big deal to me as the only thing I would have looked forward to was sixth grade science camp, but my mother had warned me long before that. She would not allow me to go her not allowing me to attend science camp wasn't due to my behavior. But because she was absolutely terrified of letting me spend the night anywhere besides family's house, although Seems odd to me as a young child. I know now her actions were due to mistrust caused by stories and life experience. She had learned throughout her life. I can remember in elementary school here in kids talk about plans and spending the night at each others house or going on trips with their friends family as I listened. I would Ponder how odd that would be and the more I thought about it. The more a sense of fear would overcome me. It was like my mind would think of all the bad things that could happen and I thought for sure grown-ups would act much different and private than the great Persona they would Project and public from kindergarten to fifth grade. I had one friend that I would spend time with outside a school great kid with a big heart and a loving family. I was always welcomed over and enjoyed all the time. I spent over there as we got older and he was gaining more freedom. Our friendship started to fade. I would be over his house and he would have other friends over as well. They would start making plans to leave and go hang out at some place without parents supervision or just to go spend the night at someone else's house. Either way. That was a big No-No for me, which was made crystal clear to me. Each time. I stepped outside the door of my home. I was told you are allowed to go to his house and only his house do not call to ask if you can go anywhere else after 5th grade graduation. I seen less and less than my friend and come Junior High besides the occasional ride to school. I would catch with him and his dad. We stopped in her acting all together nowadays. I see my little cousins nieces and nephews going into junior high and I think to myself how can this be? They look too small. They aren't mature enough. They aren't ready, but then I have to remind myself. I was no different. I was short Skin and bones with a baby face and was in no way ready to have my world turned upside down. But hey life waits for no one, right? You know how sometimes it's real hard to decipher if you're excited or nervous. Well, I was actually pretty excited for junior high and with the first day fast approaching I was spent hours thinking of how great it would be all the new kids. I would meet that for sure would become my friends and maybe just maybe I would even meet a beautiful girl that I would get to know show her how much of a gentleman I was and once she seen that she would want. my girlfriend Damn, I was naive but how was I supposed to know? I mean, I had just spent the last six years in elementary school where we had recess three times a day the same teachers and classmates all year round. We were greeted with smiley faces and gold stars for our school work and our Behavior, even as a part of our Elementary graduation, we did group performances singing multiple songs to parents and staff. I mean what the hell man, how is any of that supposed to prep me for junior high? Anyways back to the story my wardrobe for my first year of junior high was not much. Turn from the years prior, but at the time I liked it and felt good with how I looked also help tie. It all together was a fresh new flattop haircut. I started rocking at the time the morning of my first day. I stood in front of my mirror in the bathroom very content with the reflection. I saw myself although in the months and years to come my feelings of content would be replaced with confusion and misery. My first day was pretty uneventful spent most of my time finding my classes getting all the books I needed and taking note of all the homework we would be getting I didn't see much familiar faces and me being that introvert that I am I didn't make it a point to try and go around introducing myself the rest of the week followed suit, but I had big aspirations for Friday. You see I've been playing sports since I was a little kid started off with t-ball moved on to baseball then basketball, but my favorite was football. It was a football tradition that you would wear your jersey every Friday since it was a day before your big game. I guess. I figured that although I didn't recognize any faces. There was no way I could miss someone wearing a All Jersey and then the same me Friday came and I went to school wearing my jersey proudly. Of course my shyness prevented me from going up to anyone else wearing their Jersey to strike up a conversation. I did get a couple head nods what UPS from teammates but no one else approached me to say anything. So Friday just came and went like the days prior in case you're wondering why I didn't hang out with teammates. It wasn't like I was against it. I just never clicked like that with anybody on my sports teams. I would practice and play the games with them, but that's where it ended as six. Grade went on I got more and more used to being a loner. It actually gave me a great sense of comfort to know that I didn't have to talk to anyone and no one was going to talk to me not having any type of social life really allowed me to focus on my school work, which I was doing quite well and this helped in big part of me achieving honorable status. I'm not going to lie a big part of me. Wish that one day a popular kid would take interest in me and bring me into a circle of friends, but I came to the reality that it wasn't going to happen. I believe it was at this time that I really fell in love. People watching there was so much going on in the hallways in between classes that I would observe and soak in. I'm sure if anybody had been paying attention to me, I would have looked like a major weirdo lunchtime would consist of getting something to eat real quick. And then the occasional pickup basketball game, but for the most part I would just wander around scoping out the scene of the schoolyard. I was completely fascinated with how everyone interacted with each other groups of boys roughhousing and cracking jokes girls laughing and doing their makeup and my favorite couples. I admired their relationships. I saw so much and often thought how awesome it would be to have a girl friend of my own. I was going to treat her like a princess and she would absolutely adore me. I started to really analyze all the different boys that had girlfriends. I was infatuated with learning why they're girls like them so much. Well, I learned but instead of using what I had learned to help me I let my newfound knowledge crippled me. I notice how these guys carry themselves with confidence acting much more mature than their age and You to always know what to say to make their girls smile. I started thinking of how I measured up in these certain categories the results. I came up with were I wouldn't even know how to pretend to have a confidence. These guys had I still feel like a little kid who doesn't belong in junior high not to mention. I'm 11, but I look like an eight-year-old him forget about saying the right thing to make a girl smile. I don't even know if words will come out if I had the chance to talk to a girl. So needless to say I wouldn't be approaching girls anytime soon yet as luck would have it it girl would have Approached me one morning while hundreds of students stood outside the school waiting for the doors to be unlocked and the battery. I was approached by a girl who I knew from sharing a class together. She said something along the lines of hey, I wanted to introduce you to my friend which she then did a friend and I quickly exchanged hellos. I forgot the dialogue of the small talk. She tried to have him with me but it didn't last long at all. I think she was expecting or at least hoping for more than one word answers. I was responding with and just like that both girls were on their way. I should have taken In that as a small victory, but instead I was just confused by what had just happened Shrugged it off and went along with my day. The more time that passed by the more comfortable. I got with how things were going for me at school so much so that I even decided to go to an after school dance. I ended up going completely by myself with no plans on even meeting up with anybody. I'm sure if any of the kids at the dance would have noticed they would have thought it was weird as hell but fortunately no one caught on the plan was simple head in go find a wall and hold it up. I went up to the entrance table and asked one ticket and one bag of Doritos PLS got what I needed and headed in to execute the plan. It was actually a good time. I was there posted solo watching all the kids on the Dance Floor the DJ had all his lights going and was playing all the latest jams. Although there was a loud party going on all around me. I felt totally calm was truly enjoy myself. It was peaceful. Just people watching then out of nowhere the girl. I was just introduced to a few weeks before appeared. In front of me, I was surprised not only to see her but also the fact that she came up to talk to me again. She asked me to dance and without thinking twice I said, yes, we went straight to the dance floor and got to it. Of course. I had no idea how to dance but I came up with some basic moves and just put them on repeat. I'm sure it was a hilarious sight to see but she seemed to enjoy my company out there. I'm proud of eleven-year-old me for saying yes and getting out there regardless of how nervous I was it would have been much easier to quickly say no. Thank you and just keep to myself the rest of the night whenever I think about this event in my life. I make sure 11 year old me knows how proud I am of him. And if I could I would shake his hand. I must have been doing something right because we finished our dances. She wrote her phone number on my hand and asked me to call her later that night after that point in the night. I don't remember the rest of the dance. I was on a natural high later that evening once home and settled in I grabbed the cordless house phone. No cell phones back in those days. I found a spot in the house where I could have some privacy and The number that she had written on my hand back in those days. It took a little more bravery to make these calls due to the fact that nobody had their own personal phone. So you had to call the house and never know who is going to pick up you had to be prepared to ask if you could speak to the person you were looking to talk to nowadays. You just choose a text or slide up into their DM. Anyways, I got her on the phone and we begin talking some of the things I remember from our conversation was how she told me that she had actually been suspended from school, but Chuck into the dance because she wanted to have fun in which I thought to myself. Oh dang. She's a bad girl. Also that the whole reason why she asked her friend to introduce her to me was because she thought I was cute. I already thought she was pretty and the more I learned about her over the phone call. The more intrigued I became from her personality as well. The longer our talk went and the more compliments. I received the more my confidence grew that night. I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes and just like that. I was in my First relationship. I was excited about having a girlfriend and all that. I thought would come from there was one major problem though. I had no idea how to be a boyfriend. It was my hope that I would transform into a confident young man who would always know what to say make her smile and that she would grow to a dorm even though I hope for all this to happen. Apparently, I guess I figured it was just going to happen naturally because I gave little to no effort and make it happen. It wasn't that I did it on purpose. I was just too scared to take action. So our relationship at school was pretty much non-existent by watching her from afar. I got to see how she interacted with others at school and by talking on the phone. I learned more about her. She was very much different from me. She came from a broken home was a troublemaker could care less about her grades at school and her mother let her do whatever the hell she wanted to I believe my newfound girlfriend was becoming impatient with me failing to make any type of move so she took the bull by the horns. Once again, she made the first move and asked me to go to the movies. I told her that I would like to go but first we need to get permission from my parents my mom and dad were cool with me going but I would have to take my little brother along with me. I relayed this to my girlfriend and although she wasn't thrilled. It wasn't a deal-breaker either. She said that she would just ask her best friend to go as well. When date night came my brother and I got dropped off at the theater to meet them her friend was our age and my brother was seven at the time so it wasn't exactly exactly a double date. We sat watch Billy Madison, no hand-holding and definitely no kissing which is what I understood was the real reasons couples. Our age would go to the movies. It seemed like our relationship Behavior at the theater was identical to how it was at school. Luckily. My girlfriend wasn't ready to give up on me just yet a few days later. She invited me to her house surprisingly. I was granted permission to go under two conditions one. Her mother would be there and to my little brother goes with me the rain. For made and my brother and I arrived at her house, of course, since I brought my little brother, she invited her best friend we hung out at her house for a while. I learned her dad had passed away when she was around eight years old. So she lived with her mother two sisters Three Brothers. My girlfriend was child number four out of six. I was stunned how her family interacted with each other there were no hugs kisses or I love yous instead. There was yelling cursing and door slamming mother included. I was relieved when it was suggested that we go on a walk because it was a lot for my immature and soft South to soak in at the time. We left the house and headed to the park. I remember us having a fun time, but it was far from romantic after exploring around the park for a while. We went back to her place to hang out before my bro, and I got picked up her and I were sitting on the bed side by side. This was the closest we had ever been to each other her friend must have realized this as well. And I'm sure her and my girlfriend must have had plenty of talks about our Moving at a snail's pace her friends started to peer pressure us to kiss. I've never kissed before and now I was being pressured to do it in front of an audience. I turned in my girlfriend smiled like I was taking the whole thing as a joke and then turned away and kept my eyes busy somewhere else. I think it was at this moment. She lost all hope and me being any type of boyfriend she wanted although she didn't say it at that moment. She even leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. I took it as a major victory. Hurry and was ecstatic. I just got my first kiss. Yes. It was on my cheek and I wasn't the one who made the move but still I felt like I just took my first step on the road to manhood a few days later. I was sitting in my living room playing on my Sega Genesis. This was a video game console from back in the day. I was playing with my cousins and my brother when the phone rang I picked it up and said hello much to my surprise. It was my girlfriend's little sister. I was kind of caught off guard because her and I never had really Kim before not that we would be talking much on this call either she quickly and simply told me that her sister did not want to be with me anymore and that she was breaking up with me I said, okay and we hung up and just like that. My first relationship was over. I believe the whole thing lasted about a month. I found out later that she had her eyes set on a boy that was making a big name for himself as a gangster and within days they were together making in out an all without meaning to on a subconscious level. I became captivated by the type of girl My First Girlfriend Was and I felt I needed to become the type of guy that would attract them enter 7th grade over the summer after sixth grade. I had a lot of time to myself as you can imagine. I started thinking of creating a new image of myself. I figured if I stop dressing like I did in elementary and carried myself differently. I would get different results when it Into my social life this year around I had no type of fashion sense or South identity. So I use my environment as inspiration. I grew up hearing stories from my mother father aunts and uncles about their total days as teenagers and most of my older cousins identified themselves as gangsters. It seemed like all the wannabe gangsters at my school got plenty of attention from girls in my eyes. They seem to be young men and not little boys, like myself along with all the the other males at my school. I made up my mind and decided my new wardrobe would consist of Nike Cortez has baggy creased up Dickies and 2x Ben Davis collared shirts for back to school shopping. We went to the swamp meets ears 2001. I was pretty proud of how my new look came together. I thought I looked pretty sharp walking into my first day of 7th grade. I felt fresh and was standing a little taller same baby face, but from the neck down. It was a whole new me. It didn't take long for my theory of South transformation to prove successful. My social life seem to be changing immediately. I was actually being noticed by other students and also to my surprise by my teachers little did. I know the new attention I was acquiring would lead to a substantial source of misery for me. It seemed like teachers had little to no patience for my questions or requests for help and I was getting asked where I was from on a daily basis. I had no idea. Of how to even answer when I would get hit up. I grew up on the Mesa a suburb up and over the hill from both the west side and the East Side neighborhoods was I supposed to say I was from there or just say I was from nowhere do I explain in detail of how I just wanted to dress like a gangster but didn't want to be one. I have no clue. It wasn't too bad. At first most times. I would get looked up and down and then left alone as the school year went on the negative attention. Was receiving became Amplified the guys who were actually striving to make a name for themselves in the west side. We're getting tired of seeing me day after day wearing a uniform. They found should be earned the interrogation started to get more intense. They would say things like why do you dress like that? If you don't bang we know your cousins are from the East side. So is that where you're from? I seem to always explain my way through it. I'm sure my prepubescent body frame and Babyface had a lot to do with me getting those passes. To my surprise the guys who were giving me a hard time begin to ask me to hang out with them. They would see me at lunch by myself and tell me to come over to where they were at. I would suspiciously walk over and join their group actually kept a pretty cool in the beginning and it was like they were trying to keep me close so they could see what I was really about. I never got a welcoming feeling when they would tell me to come around. I didn't speak unless spoken to and just found out of place oftentimes they would get rough with me to see what type of reaction they would get. Often played it off. Like it didn't bother me and that I found it funny as well. I often played it off. Like it didn't bother me and that I found it as funny as they did but that wasn't the case. I wasn't really sure how to feel about what was going on. It was all very new to me. I know I wasn't enjoying how I was being treated, but I also was wondering if that's just how you make friends things started to get much more uncomfortable as time went on especially if I have To be around while they were hanging out with girls. I remember watching lots and lots of kids walking home and groups after school. Why would Stan and wait for my mom to pick me up? It looks like fun. There were groups making different plans of what to do on their way home to me. It seemed like some big neighborhood party with kids everywhere and just like the sixth grade dance. I went to I didn't care if I had anyone to go with I just wanted to be there it took awhile and lots of persuasion, but I was finally granted permission from my mother to walk home from the Number two, the Mesa was a good distance, but I didn't mind at all. That was just more time to explore and people watch man. It was fun. I got to see so many different kinds of friend groups is very interesting to see how they behave differently and similarly. It was like I could feed off their energy. It was very fulfilling the group of want to be started taking notice that I was walking home. And one day told me to come to the park with them and a few girls. They were hanging with even though I was very Just by walking home by myself. I didn't want to pass on the chance to meet some girls who just happened to be the type. I was enamored by we got to the park and started to kick it on and around the jungle gym. I'm not sure what I did to set off the loud mouth of the group. Maybe I placed myself a little too close to one of the girls he liked or maybe he just wanted to look extra tough to the group. But Midway through the group chopping it up amongst each other. He jumped down from where he was walked over to me cock bat and slug me right in the chest. My immediate reaction to that just like I had learned from play fighting in my front yard was to punch him right back my punch landed right back on his chest and instantly a wave of fear washed over me. I became Frozen. I could see his eye swelling with anger will mine instead were filling with tears. I didn't want him or any of the others, especially the girls to see me getting emotional. So I just put my head down and stared at the floor. He shouted oh, so you think you're tough, huh and later another solid blow to my chess, which this time. I just took and kept staring at the ground. By this time the circle of kids were silent. No one was egging him on or telling him to stop I felt so alone. I will be on embarrassed and felt like a complete coward. There was little no pain from the punches absorb what hurt the most was a pain. I had never experienced before the pain was excruciating. This pain was loneliness. I had a long walk ahead of me still this gave me plenty of time to gather myself. And when I got home I was able to act completely normal. I casually asked my mom if she could start picking me up again and that brought an end to my walks home. The scrutiny. I was receiving was not worth dressing the way I was it was even happening outside of the school environment at football practice. I was quarterback. I would call my offense to huddle up and while calling the play. I'll be told you're a naughty old gangster, huh? Although I didn't want to worry my parents. I knew I needed to change how I dress if I wanted that antagonizing to stop one morning. I laid down on the bed and my parents room. My mom could tell I was deeply upset she has what's wrong. I told her I didn't want to dress like this anymore. She asked why and I told her that everyone keeps hitting me up and saying I was a wannabe gangster we started talking and she was advising me on things to tell these kids. The time to leave for school was fast approaching as I opened up the door to walk out. I look back at her to show her. I was going to be strong but the weight of all the stress had become too much to hide and as I walked out. I burst it out in tears. enter eighth grade back in seventh grade. My parents had bought me some different clothes. I didn't have a new particular set style or anything, but I know I want to stay away from anything baggy. So let's just say I was wearing skinny jeans long before they became popular dressing different did help but unfortunately, I had already opened Pandora's Box the same guys still gave me a hard time, but I wasn't hanging around with them anymore. So it wasn't as often or as bad for reasons unknown to me at the time. I started to attract. New type of bullying they were Chicanos like the other guys were but they weren't interested in games. I'd call these ones want to be alpha males their interests were girls and parting it was at this time in my life. I spent much more time in front of my bathroom mirror, but I wasn't content with what I saw in the mirror anymore. I never started blaming myself for putting myself down. I would just stare and confusion. I was desperate to know what it was about the way I looked at made other kids. You treat me so horribly the alpha kids use the same tactics. The gangster kids. Did they made me think I was kind of a part of their crowd or at least had potential to be except these kids weren't busy full time trying to act so hard so they had more time to be chill and have fun. I actually was able to enjoy my time around them. Some of the time me joining in on the conversation didn't seem to set them off but then being cool or uncool with me simply was unpredictable. I was getting more and more used to the Day poking and prodding, you know a little push here a little tripping there. And of course plenty of derogatory remarks one day. I was walking with the kid. I shared a class with I remember this kid being even quieter than I was five. I didn't know any better. I would have thought he was a mute class that just ended and we're walking in the same direction to our next class. We were chatting as we strolled and then out of nowhere. One of the gangster kids came up and purposely knock the books out of the other kids hands. Once again my instinct took over. And I shoved the gangster kit his eyes bulge in his face turned red as he ran back and shove me his push sent me back a few steps and I again froze tears filled my eyes as I look to see where the other kid was but there was no sight of them. I stood there once again when my head down not wanting the gangster kid to see that I was being emotional he snapped at me with a few Choice words and then walked away. Obviously, I chose to swallow my pride on The Daily but events like these crush me and any hopes I had a Come in a man. There was a bright side to having a baby face and looking so young. There was a good amount of girls who thought I was very cute and weren't shy about letting me know that the problem that came along with that though was that I was friend cute not boyfriend cute. I had my one girlfriend in sixth grade and then went on a dry spell for two years granted. I would never ask a girl unless they went through the trouble of making it completely obvious to me that they liked me and that hadn't happened eighth grade was coming to an end when I ended up getting and seated next to a girl that had become familiar with not only her but her group of friends as well this girl and I got to know each other more and in class we started to flirt with each other at least that's what I interpreted as she would even put her leg on top of mind and let me caress it during class after this happening consistently. I took it as a big hint that she liked me. I worked up the courage and asked her to be my girlfriend to it. She said no, I was more confused and embarrassed. I wondered how I had read that wrong. And thought I was in deep trouble. I've been able to figure out how the female mind worked. I did start to worry about what she was going to tell other people and most of all her girlfriends where they all going to laugh and make fun of me where they going to think I was stupid for thinking that one of them would actually want to be my girlfriend after a few days went by I did my best to forget I even asked some time later the girl from my class ended up telling me that one of her friends like me and that I should ask her to be my girlfriend. I knew the She spoke of and decided to act fast. I quickly found myself in relationship. Number two. I did upgrade my boyfriend's clothes this time around I spent time with my new girlfriend at lunch how other hand in between classes and even made the move to have my first kiss soon after graduation day arrived and I was invited to a grad Party by the alpha guys. I wasn't surprised about being invited nor was I excited to go as I didn't know what may be in store for me there my girlfriend ended up telling me she was going to be there. And wanted me to go as well. She promised we would have an extra special time by this point in our relationship. We had already shared with each other that we were both virgins, but felt we were ready for sex or at least in our 13 year old brains. We thought we were I put 0 planning into how we would make it happen there at the house where the party would be held but I also knew I would do whatever it took to make it happen as luck would have it the dudes who house it was already had it all figured out. He was one of the alphas and I was probably closest to him than any of the others. He let me know to take her to his room as soon as she showed up so we could have our quality time before more and more people showed up to the party. So that's what I did which worked out very nice. He had just forgot to mention that he and his girlfriend would also be in the room. He and his girl were on the bottom bunk and my girlfriend and I on the top bunk along with random couples walking in to see if the room was occupied now, we were only 13 so I'm not going to go into detail of that experience. But let's just say I use all the knowledge I gained from those late-night skinemax movies and what I could make sense of through the fuzzy screen of the spice Channel after we finish our special time together. We did our best to straighten up and head out to the party. She left the room first and I followed shortly after once I was out in daylight. I noticed my hair was sticking up. My shirt was still halfway and Tuck and my pants were Twisted. I guess that's what happens when you try to dress. Self under the covers in a dim room with an audience present. I went straight to the snack table to keep myself occupied under the impression that no one outside the room knew what had just happened that thought was short-lived when it close friend of my girls walked up to the snack table beside me. I just put a slice of cucumber to my mouth and took a bite when she remarked. That's not the only thing you like to eat, huh? I just smirked and thought damn word got around quick and that was my last day of Junior High coming from a large Mexican family. There was always huge parties where it would be easy to sneak a beer or two. I had tried many beers as young as I can remember but hadn't developed the taste buds for them quite yet. And as far as weed goes my first time getting high was 12, but that had been much more hard to come by that's already to all change as I got closer to the age of 14 and develop quite the taste for alcohol and was now able to easily get weed. I began getting drunk and All the time it made me feel marvelous and help me not to think of why so many other kids treated me the way they did. The summer heading into ninth grade was a very memorable one. I started hanging out with my two older cousins much more mild is cousin had just got back from placement and my second oldest had moved back down from Santa Maria the year prior by have been going to Santa Barbara High while I was at La Cumbre. It felt so good to be around him. I mean don't get me wrong. They didn't hesitate to punch or push me around either but with them it was different and I had no problem dishing it right back out to them. I would go out with them. Sometimes but mostly we would spend time together at each other's houses in both cases. I would meet some of their friends here and there while does cousin was from the crazies and the younger ones solely from the East side one evening late into the summer. We were hanging out around my niece and neighborhood we decided we want to go out cruising but there was a small issue preventing us from doing so we didn't have a car my cousin's knew a girl who live close by that had an SUV we went by her place and she was All for going out with us that night mild is cousin drove. She sat shoddy while we sat in the back my other Primos at to my left one of their friends was on my right and I sat in the middle who was a chill right very mellow. I can't remember the exact time but it must have been late because there were no other cars driving around we decided to stop at a 7-Eleven that wasn't too far away from where we were at the time the plan was to grab some snacks real quick. Get back on the road as we pull into park. We realize we're just pulled into a parking lot with three car loads of guys who look very happy to see us but not in a friendly way more in the way of like they had been cruising around looking for trouble but had been unsuccessful. It was just sheer bad luck on our part that we were in the wrong place at the wrong time our mood of the night change instantly, not exactly sure how everyone else in the car was feeling. But I went from chill to heart beating out of my chest the guy started yelling out. God boss my older Primo slammed the car in reverse and gunned it we hit the street and started flying down the road with them right behind us one car pulled along our right side. And another on the left one stayed on our tail our windows were down. We pulled in a 7-Eleven and we didn't have power windows. So the driver side window was wide open the guys in the car on the left started throwing beer cans and other items. At our getaway driver, they even started hanging out of their car to get a closer shot. My cousin sitting to the left of me seen this and started hanging out the window himself to do what he could to try and protect his older brother. I'm not exactly sure what caused it but my older cousin lost control. I felt a sharp jerk and then it was like time almost came to a stop. All action was in slow motion, like watching a slow cross the road. The card tip to the driver side and begin to Tumble over and over again. It was like some evil carnival ride as the car spun. The gravity would have me pinned and as it hit the ground I was sent flying this seemed to go on forever. I wasn't able to focus on one particular view but I remember being mesmerized by what seemed to be floating little pieces of glass hovering all throughout the car and in front of my face the SUV finally came to a sliding stop. We landed completely upside-down real-time Snapback. I did my best to shake it off and bring myself to concentrate on what I needed to do next. I saw that the back window had been totally blown out. So I made my way to it so I could crawl out. I really couldn't see anything outside, but I figured once I crawled out those dudes from carp. We're going to start kicking my ass. Luckily for me when I came out and stood up they were long gone then I remembered my cousins. Where are they? Are they? Okay. I started to look around frantically. I couldn't see them anywhere in the car nearby. I started to trip out. Where did they go? So I started to look further away from the demolished Vehicle area and that's when I seen them. My cousin had been sitting to the left of me. I could see him in the distance laying there motionless. I ran as fast as I could to go check on him. The girl I've been with us was already there with her hands on him trying to provide some sort of comfort. She had had her seatbelt on the whole time and besides the mental and emotional toll the crash took on her. She is relatively. Okay, my cousin on the other hand was far from okay. He was still hanging out of the car when it tipped on his driver's side the force of it crushed his hips and the momentum of the car spinning launch him through the night air as I kneel down next to him. I forced myself to survey the damage inflicted upon him his Were bent and ways that didn't look human but instead like a scarecrow that had been flung from a rooftop onto the pavement. His face was covered in blood and he lost a good-sized chunk of his ear that was later recovered at the scene and sewed back on I was scared was he going to live? Where was my other cousin was he okay? And how much trouble was I going to be in? Then I heard my name being called from the bushes from a nearby park. I looked over and it was a friend who had been sitting to my right. He was motioning me to go over he started warning me that the cops would be coming and sure enough. I could start hearing the sirens in the distance. I stared down on my entered cousin who was an immense pain, but just lied there almost lifeless. How is terrified of being arrested but there was no way I was leaving my cousin there in the middle of the road helpless. The sirens came blaring to a halt right by us and much to our Fortune. It was an ambulance the paramedics Pride us away from him and started to get to work either. I didn't look too bad off or the EMTs took one. Look at the damage on my cousin and knew they didn't have time for anything else. I did my best to fade into the crowd of onlookers that was starting to form. And once I was sure my Primo is in good hands. How many my way to the bushes near the part I linked up with a friend and we use the cover of the night to make our way back to his house the plan was to lay low and recover but his family caught wind of what had happened and think got heated my parents were called and I was picked up being in their possession was no picnic either but they were more concerned with my well-being more than anything. I told them I found fine that I was okay, but they didn't care what the hell I said they were taking me to the hospital. The doctor had to pick and scrape out glass and asphalt from my lower back cleaning the road rash ruins, which I still have to this day tend to a few bumps and bruises. But besides that I was alkyd my older cousin ended up showing up at the hospital and apologize to his bro turns out his visit from placement wasn't exactly permission granted and he had been on the Run. He explained he had no idea his bro was injured and he figured we all had ran to safety the first day of high school arrived, and I hadn't done. Much game planning of what to do different this time around I felt as if I had been worn down over the past three years and was losing all hope for any type of social life outside. My family. There was a major issue with that though. My older cousin had since been arrested and on his way to see why a a my other cousin was now confined to a wheelchair and rarely left his house. I was down to now only playing one sport which was football. I played with lots of the guys throughout the years and why I fell and knew there wasn't going to be any deep friendships there. Plus. I've been playing football since I was 8, I became bored with it and after long back and forth discussions with my parents much to their disappointment we decided this would be my last year. I had a cousin from my mom's side of the family who was already going to s be high and was playing varsity football to help keep the story from getting confusing. We'll just say his name was hawal. He and I had grown up very close. We just went to different schools. Was and he was about two years older than I he and his friends were stars on the football team knowing I didn't have any friends in my own. He would invite me to come hang with his crew. I tried this out in the very beginning of the year, but they and I were never able to build any type of report. I felt they were in A League of Their Own. They were all built solid athletes and had serious relationships with their girls. I always felt like a tail going where they went listening while they spoke amongst each other. I wasn't adding any value to the right. The group and I knew whether I was there or not, it would make no difference to them. I felt like a follower. So I decided I'd rather roll solo than be a follower as stopped all efforts to be a part of their crew assholes. Mom. My Thea if I could go to her house during lunch break. It was only a couple blocks away. I told her I just wanted a place to eat whatever I brought for lunch and to kill time before I had to go back to class. She was all good with it, and I felt satisfied I no longer. Had to feel like a weirdo on display wandering around aimlessly during lunch break being a Freshman was going pretty smooth. I'd get to school go straight to all my classes attend football practice and then straight home. I was really beginning to get accustomed to my daily routine. It was like I got to go unnoticed again and get back to my people watching without being bothered. I didn't know exactly how or why it was so peaceful, but I was very self-conscious of keeping it that way one day before practice a few of us guys on the team. Team were throwing the ball around I ran a route and was thrown the ball. I made the catch and continue to run for the imaginary touchdown. When my Defender wrap my legs up from behind for the tackle. He happen to Trump my arms in his grasp around my legs as well. And when I hit the ground the left side of my face broke my fall it wasn't too painful but more of an odd feeling it was like the left side of my face fell asleep. It was none yet felt like a million ants were crawling all over I tried to Get off but my team is immediately pointed out that half my face was drooping and that any type of facial expressions. I would make only half my face would react to my parents took me to the doctors and I was diagnosed with facial palsy, which meant the nerves and one side of my face had suffered major trauma, and we're now severely damaged there was nothing that could be done to remedy it. They would have to heal on their own it could take months maybe years. I thought to myself. Well, this isn't good. It actually wasn't as bad as you would think being a loner that no one noticed actually helped a lot when it came to not being made fun of for this new condition of mine unless I made a facial expression. It was hard to tell anything was wrong with me. And since I didn't interact much with anyone it wasn't a huge deal. Usually the classroom would be the only place I would get caught up when the teacher would call on me and I would have to read or speak to the whole class. That's when the kids would point. Laughs knowing that any time a kid could stop me knowing that any kid could stop me on campus and start going in on me about my face had me on my toes and I put a lot more pep in my step when it came to getting to my theist house for lunch break one day on my way to the house. I ran into a family friend who was a year or two older than I our families had known each other for many years and we had even played in the same Football League. She was quite the Tomboy growing up. She asked where I was headed and she asked if it would be okay if she She joined me. I wasn't too Keen about the whole idea. She was messing with my program, but I didn't have the heart to say no. So on we went we ate our lunches and lounged around the time to start heading back was fast approaching. So we got our backpacks back on and was about to head out when my theory opened the door. She had come home from work to grab something from the house and to put it lightly was pretty upset with seeing that had taken upon myself to invite female company over she felt I had disrespected her and her home she Longer trusted or wanted me at her place and just like that. I no longer had a safe haven for the long lunch break. My freshman football season finally came to an end and my facial policy wasn't as severe yet evidence that I suffered from it is still visible to this day. I was stoked that the season was over and I no longer had to be committed to something that I dislike doing. What I wasn't prepared for though was the void in my life who would create and tease I would partake in to fill it knowing I didn't need to keep a certain grade point average or have to be in decent shape for sports led me to become careless with my marijuana and alcohol consumption. As soon as I got dropped off I would head for a secluded area and get high then I started teaching classes to go smoke. It didn't take much time at all for me to become a stoner being high seem to make me feel so good and I was able to enjoy my time alone ten times as much what it was really doing was making me care. Less and less about the outside world. I being a pothead became a paradox to me being a loner. It was attracting others donors to me. There was already an existing subculture of teens, who'd love to smoke and like me their main mission for each day was a get high before. I knew it. I had other kids who would seek me out not to get me clothes so they could treat me like crap but instead because they enjoyed my company they like chilling as smoking with me. Both guys and girls are little subculture was cool and all but I was starting to miss playing a sport something about practicing getting better and competing to put your skills to the test. I really missed. I knew I didn't want to play football basketball or baseball. Those were played out to me. Now. My dad had recently introduced us to golf. He never played before either it was random but it was fun. I remember all the looks we would get out there on the course in our street clothes to my surprise. I found out that the school had a team had no idea how a golf team would work from I knew golf was a one-man sport, but I didn't care. I knew I liked it and figured I would enjoy the process of improving my game. I went to the office and set an appointment to speak to the golf coach while I sat and waited. I thought of how impressed you would be with how much I knew of the game. I knew I didn't look like your everyday golfer, but I was willing to learn how to dress the part the appointment didn't last very long. I remember getting the feeling instantly that I wasn't wanted on the team. He told me they had no more room on the team and stood some other sports that were in season so much for my ambitions of becoming a great golfer sports are no Sports. I was getting by okay by this time. I had traded all my college prep and advanced courses for General Ed. I was ditching a lot. But when I did decide to go to class I wanted them to be as easy as possible. How is now spending my lunch with whoever else had blood to share at random smoking spots around the high school. Other than that, I was so low one day. I was strolling through the main hallway making my way to class. It was crowded as usual. So I was navigating my way through paying little attention to who I was passing by. I was utterly shocked when a senior built like a linebacker snatch me up by my neck with both his hands and lifted me off the ground. He shook me violently my feet dangle down the are helplessly in my face felt like it was burning red. I'm not sure if he had planned to do this or he just seen a week looking kid walking by himself and took it as an opportunity to show off to his group of friends. Who Were standing there watching he simply called me fresh me. And then threw me back down in the same direction had been walking my feet hit the ground stumbling. I kept walking forward at a high Pace frightened to look back tears were rolling down my face. I raise my own hands to my throat in an attempt to provide myself some comfort as I work to calm myself down and catch my breath after I was out of the general area that all too familiar feeling of loneliness said in And worse that disgusting feeling of being a coward. Something changed in me that day being choked like that with hundreds of other kids around was traumatic no doubt, but I believed it was that event plus all the others leading up to it. That finally made me snap from that moment. I stopped caring about anybody else's feelings. I figured I wasn't important enough for anybody to make effort to build friendships with me and at the worst times when bad things would happen to me. I didn't even get a hey leave them alone, or are you okay? My thought process at this time was fuck the world. The ball of change has started rolling. I would continue to evolve rapidly during lunch. I would go post up at Circle K where all the trouble makers would be before when I would hear that a fight was going to happen. All the other kids would be getting hike to go watch not me. I would immediately head the opposite direction. I always had this phobia that if I went to go watch a fight someone in the crowd were turn on me and push. You to the center of everyone's attention only to take an ass-whooping myself. Now I didn't care. I wanted it to happen. Someone could call me out a group could jump me or whatever. It was like my tolerance for being a coward was a tall glass cup and since junior high it had been getting poured into steadily filling up drop by drop along with a few long pores. I'm not sure how much room was left when I allowed myself to get choked like that with no repercussions. But that event made the glass overflow tip over and shatter into a million pieces. I started meeting some new guys from the East side and was also getting closer to a few of the crazies. I was introduced to from when I would go out and party with my older cousins. I ended up losing all the interest in school. If I did decide to go back to class after getting high all lunchtime long. I would take a 44 ounce soda cup filled with Budweiser or a bottle of Bacardi 151 hidden in my pocket. I was getting more and more attracted to the lifestyle I was around so I wanted more asks another youngster who's a little older than me, but still in my same gray if it was cool. If I stroll with him and his crew after school. I knew they all backed up and live deep on the east side. I was pumped to start kicking it for the sake of the story will call the guy as Casanova because he always had Girls He was all about me joining the squad. So I started hanging with them pretty tough one night. We were kicking it at an apartment complex. Complex where one of the guys in our group lived we'll just call him pops. We had been drinking and smoking heavily as usual. They started talking about a guy who lived next door to Pops. He was our age or a little older. They said he was an asshole and we're talking about how he thought he was such a badass because he worshiped the devil. I was still very new to the group. So I didn't know who they were talking about. They must have really hated him though because they started talking about how they should just jump them to this day. I still don't know. Know if they really meant it or not. But I suggested we do it that night. I told them I would get it started and that they should jump in after they asked me if I was serious and without hesitation. I replied. Yes. I'm sure me being drunk and high had a lot to do with me practicing my newfound courage, but I'm sure if I was sober I would have acted the same. I was desperate to prove to myself. I wasn't going to be a coward anymore. It didn't take much to make them believe I was serious and before I knew it. Pop's was joyfully knocking out his neighbor's door. He asked whoever answered the door for the kid. We were looking for the kid came to the door and Pops told him something along the lines of that. I had a problem with them and I wanted to fight him right now. He may have also thrown in there that I said fuck the devil. I'm not exactly sure but the kid was fired up. This guy had some size on them. Now. I made a lot of sense why they wanted to jump him dude with solid his apartment emptied out with his family and Pomp's family empty out of if I was going to have a good size audience for my first fight we squared up on each other and he started pumping his body and grunting and then a valuable lesson was ingrained in me. Never wait be the first to start throwing blows. He took off on me and he was Landing some good ones along with pushing me back with all his body weight. I managed to catch my footing and regain some composure. I landed a few back myself and got a forceful shove in that sent him peddling back far. My eyes lit up and I seen my chances are dominating the fight around full speed to take full advantage of the moment. When one of his family members didn't like what they saw and kicked my foot as I ran by her. It was so unexpected that I lost all my footing in my hands flew back my four head hit the floor first. Then the corner of my eye Brow, then the part of my face between my side burn and my cheek. Luckily. This wasn't like my football fall where I landed flat on my face this time my face kind. Just skidded across the asphalt ever so gracefully with enough Force to keep my balance and allowed me to regain my footing and stride. I crash right back into him and we started letting them fly. Once again winds up getting broken up shortly after his family pulled him back into his apartment and Pops family took me back into his his mom and his sister in the bathroom doing their best to try and stop all the blood flowing out of my face. I could see a line out of the bathroom with people all trying to get a glimpse of me all the it's from the alcohol and we'd I had consumed earlier had been replaced by pure adrenaline as soon as the fight popped off. But now as I was being cleaned up, I was being looked upon by my boys and Pops family. I felt a different kind of intoxication the hick on pretty late. So I thank the family for taking care of me and got on my way one of my friends from the group happened to live on the west side. So we offered to give me a ride home. We walked a good distance to one of his family members house and they gave us a ride. I knew if I went home I would have a lot of explaining to do not to mention a possible trip to the ER but I was exhausted. I wanted to go to sleep. I asked to be dropped off at my heels house who I was very open and close to I knew he would be concerned about my face, but he would believe that I felt terrific. I knocked on his door. He opened up. He looked at my face as what the hell happened to you. I gave him a big grin and walked in I became obsessed with You can with the homies. I did whatever necessary to make my way to the east side. I would hit the streets and kick it with whoever I ran into. I was welcomed by everyone and the more I kicked it the bigger my circle got I started being drawn to the crazies as time went on. I still had mad love for my original group and spent lots of time with them, but they weren't really on the same program as the dudes from The Crazies. So we never really kicked it all at the same time. I became extremely enticed by how the gang operating Dated all the talk of who is good who was no good who had to be handled and the way we party it was like they own the East Side. That's how they acted. Anyways, and I fell in love with their confidence. I've been kicking it for a year now and had since been expelled from high school early my sophomore year. I bounced around from the Cuesta home school and a few others one Friday after I was finished with whatever school I went to at the time. I shot out to the east side. Hey, homie, just a little Younger than I had just got out from why we were celebrating his release at another homies house on in the oh Myrtle Street a few of us were chilling in the front yard when a car pulled up and out came one of our older home boys. He told the homie that just got out along with me. And another that we were to go meet him at a spot. He told us we were getting jumped in out of the five of us that were in the front yard to had already been jumped in they were to go as well to help initiate us we met at a local Large grass lot behind some apartment complexes on Selena Street. We knew the place. Wow, if you guys from the neighborhood live there the older homie that told us to go plus the two that had been with us in the front yards did they're ready on the grass. They told the whole me that just got out to step down first. I would have rather gotten it over with first, but at least I got to see what lay ahead of me. They gave it to him for a good amount of time and when it was done, they shook down and welcome him to the crazies the kid who had just got jumped. In was told to stay and help out with the next round as soon as they were done with the congratulations and looked over I step down on approach them without words. This started finding my face. I did my best to keep my eyes open so I could see where I was punching but it didn't help much for every shot. I would land 4 or 5 would land on me the hits were solid but I was staying on my two feet one of the guys abandoned throwing hands and started going for the takedown hinted up getting me to my hands and knees which set me up nice for it's to the ribs at this point. My only focus was to get back up and keep inflicting any damage I could but it wasn't happening. He just kept taking me down. Then it came to an abrupt stop. It was over. I made it through they helped me up and welcomed me in now. I was official. My story you just heard is a perfect example of why we created solid foundation. You heard him my story countless times of how I just wanted to belong and could have used some sort of companionship as a teen. I fell out of place and didn't have the skills or know how to make my situation any better. We want to create a community that no matter their background or what they have been through 18 will know we are here to support them. I hope my story serves as awareness to parents that our children's innocence and happiness maybe being chipped away. And that no matter how well we raised them and showered them with love there will come a time in their life where we will have to compete to hold influence over them. We will be competing against their peers music movies social media drugs gangs and their intimate relationship. Let's face it other than Sports. There isn't a whole lot of options out there for teens and if we are lucky enough for our kids to find something they are passionate about it's expensive as hell. That's why my team and I are working hard to bring the community together to offer more productive activities for teens. And for all the teams who just heard this, please understand that my story is not meant in any way to glorify drugs gangs or set. I relied on drinking and smoking to numb me instead of deal with my problems. I joined a game because I was weak minded and thought I needed them for protection. I wasn't educated enough insects and was a father by 17. You see you just heard the very beginning of my story if I would have continued you would hear how being a pothead and alcoholic put me back in life along with all the times. I had to been arrested because of it you would How no one in my gang actually cared for me, but instead only cared about what I could do for them not to mention how their confidence was all a facade some of the hardest dudes in the game would end up telling on their own homes to save himself and some are even dope fiends. Another important thing to know is that me fighting wasn't what gave me my confidence. You heard it in the beginning of the story my mother and father instilled that heart and me to fight as a child. It was facing my fear that gave me my confidence and open up a whole new world for me solid. Station offers programs and fitness work ethic family values and martial arts because it was those activities that help my partners and I create a solid foundation of confidence. If you would like to know more about solid foundations, you can message us on Instagram at solid foundations underscore s be if you would like to help support what we are doing you can refer potential customers to our business sponsors contact at Charmed by Crystal on Instagram for all your hair and beauty needs. You know someone who wants to buy or sell a home have them contact Lauren or Regalado at 8:05 four zero three, one two, seven zero and of course for all things office furniture, please contact Legacy installation more details about Legacy will follow on the closing segment. If you found value in what you heard in this episode, please share it with others and remember to subscribe so you can stay up-to-date with all future episodes. You can also help us provide job opportunities that teens by recommending Legacy installation to all companies, you know of that have needs for anything office furniture. Tell them to contact us through our website at www.decksdirect-dot-com or call us at 8:05 three one nine. Three two, seven four Legacy is a school of work ethic for teens that uses office furniture installation as teaching material. So the more work we have the more we can teach teens a solid work ethic while they earn a living.
     As far back as I can remember my mother made it a point to be home with us and put her heart and soul into raising not only her children, but also many cousins around my age. Our days were filled with trips to the park and hours upon hours at the beach. Another way we learned to enjoy ourselves was when my mom would have us put on the gloves to box each other or go at it wrestling. Inevitably someone would start crying, but we we’re never to quit and when all said and done we shook hands and went on playing. Another great memory is my dad coming home from work and somehow always finding the energy to play with me, it just so happens one of my favorite things to play with him was to fight. This was especially enjoyable because unlike fighting my older cousins in the front yard, in these fights I somehow came up on top every time or at least that’s what he lead me to believe, but either way it did wonders for my confidence. I must say, I was absolutely lucky to have such loving parents and very fortunate to have the childhood I did. Now after hearing what I just shared about my childhood, it would be pretty hard to believe that for some mysterious reason as I hit puberty and became a teenager that I would consider the very parents that showed me so much love and support, now my enemies. Also for reasons I couldn’t understand, I became absolutely terrified of fighting which lead to me not sticking up for myself, which lead me to be seen as weak and therefore picked on regularly. I often self reflect on the choices I made as a teenager and all the bad things I put my parents through and I can remember even back than having a sense of guilt of why I felt and acted the way I did coming from such a loving home. I would see others around me who had it real bad at home, but in my young mind that didn’t make me feel better, it actually lead me to feel even worse about myself. After battling with all these negative thoughts day in and day out, it was only a matter of time before I just decided to stop feeling any type of emotions at all. I’m sharing all this with you to spread awareness that our youth, no matter their background can fall victim to all the evil things this world has to offer. Good parenting is a solid foundation no doubt, with that being said, it’s only natural to start to rebel against our parents or any childhood authority figures for that matter as we become teens. It’s my belief that at this time that we also need something else we can be a part of, to be heard and seen by others. Other peers we can contribute to and gain significance from. Some may find it in a positive form like school, sports or a job, others may follow a more negative path and turn to drugs, unhealthy relationships or breaking the law. The following is my story and how I went from a Honor Student to Gang Member… 