I guess looking back. I don't really know specifically what it was other than me feeling. Like I didn't have another option. I'd so much pushback from my body. But you know now I can reflect back and be like there was some part of me that was just like you don't have to live like this. Let's dig through the mud together. We're so glad you're here. Join us here each week for my life. But that that I thought that my life. How are you guys? Back to the show. I'm your host Andy bolts, and I'm just so glad you're here. This is your first time here mudlark welcome. And if you're returning welcome back here at mudlark, we basically just talk about the things that are sometimes really hard to talk about and we definitely lace humor into just the challenging parts of being a human being and today. I am talking with yoga teacher Lauren B Lindbergh out of Portland, Oregon before I get into it. Explaining the episode and more details and more about Lauren. I just want to point out that this episode might not be for everybody out there and especially if you've experienced or currently experiencing some type of disordered eating this could be potentially triggering for you and as much as I wholeheartedly believe that Lauren did such a delicate compassionate job explaining her experience with disordered eating. And I know it can help so many of you there. It's just possible that this could be tricky. So this is a really good opportunity for you to decide and just really advocate for yourself right here right now. So do that. I love you so much whether you stay or whether you go I really appreciated this episode with Lauren because it wasn't like Smooth Sailing or really even easy, you know it we had to stop a couple of times during recording and chat and what I love so much aside from her vulnerability of it. All is the freshness of her story and of her being in recovery for orthorexia something. She has been dealing with for a really long time and I'm just so grateful that she came to my house the other night and recorded this episode if it's so cozy and comfy and hard and I just really like her a lot. We talked about attachment Styles we talked about her. From California to Oregon. We talked about the transition from being a personal trainer to her being a yoga teacher and what that look like and we went into our experience with or through exia and she just gave us so many incredible resources and really just so much hope for creating a healthier Cozier more connected relationship with ourselves and our bodies and I just love this conversation really kind of like appreciating my body in a whole new way and I just Just yeah, like I said, I just really like her a lot and I'm just so excited to share this powerful inspiring conversation with you. All right now, so without further Ado, let's move on to my conversation with Lauren. I'll see you on the other side just don't make out with it. That's fair. But I love to just start the shows out with an introduction. Of like who are you and where do you come from? And what do you like about being a human basically? So if you could just kind of give us a little background of who you are. Yeah. So hi. My name is Lauren. I am new ish to Portland. So I moved here a little over two years ago from San Francisco, California. I guess I should backtrack prior to that. I was born in Alameda, but I grew up in Santa Rosa. Oh Oh, yeah, I grew up in Santa Rosa. Yeah, Sonoma County. Oh that I'm that's where that we haven't talked about that. I just have family in Sebastopol. Oh, no way. Yeah. So I've say yes, so I've spent time in Santa Rosa. Okay, so wonderful there. Yeah, it's great. And I have a sister who is older. We are here in three days apart. So very close in age. Are you guys close? Oh, yeah. She's my best friend. She's like, she's like so dear to my heart and I feel so so lucky to have her in my life where you guys best friends growing up growing up. I would say we especially with how close we were in age. I think especially as you're in the younger ages of trying to figure out who you are and we had like the X to be expected challenges, but I would say we weren't as close as we are now. I'm pretty much when she moved off to college. Then we just like got super close and actually before I moved here she was the last person that I lived with and it was just very sweet like how we made started. That's so cozy. And is she still in California? Yes. Okay. Yes. I have that. Yeah, and your parents are still in California. Yeah. My parents are both in Santa Rosa. Okay. Do you have visit often? I don't visit a ton. We try to I'll will see each other during the holidays. And then they'll make a trip out at least once or twice a year and then I try to make a trip out as well because my best friends there and my grandpa who's also like the love of my life. My first tattoo was his signature. Oh my gosh. What is your guys's relationship like just so close. Oh, yeah. He's he's such an incredible man. I when I first went to so I went to Junior College in Santa Rosa, but I went to San Francisco State. And when I first moved I lived with him for about three months, which I was 21 or 20 at the time like this is gonna be weird like an ideal like my boyfriend at the time was at Cal Poly which is just like such a college town and I was like, oh I'm living with my Grandpa gave me too. But I think that was probably the greatest gift because especially after that period you know, we would have lunch I think once or twice Weak and that lasted for like I mean I until I moved so I was in San Francisco for about 10 years. So I mean we did that. Yeah, I pretty much every week if not twice. Oh my God, and so he's like and he actually came out to visit with my mom which was so wonderful. I bet you were so emotional. I mean the whole trip. I think we are crying between him and I both because we're like, I just love you so much and he you know, he understands he's getting older and yeah, it's bleeding. And so what a sweetheart that's your mom's dad everyone in our family has a very special relationship with him it just they all look different all so different and unique. I love that. There's something really special just about that like granddaughter grandfather relationship Italy. There's just I mean, I know there is with me and my grandpa even though it has been kind of like tumultuous but it's like I just love him so much, you know, and it feels kind of like that Dad figure sometimes literally sure totally. So, okay, so to back up a little bit. What were you like is a little girl. Mmm. That's a really good question. This is like mmm. I the one thing that I know stands out is I was very I did things when I was ready. Yeah, so my parents we'll both say like no one could force me to do anything. Even the first thing they will always remember his writing my bike. Like I just would not do it, but they were not ready. They're like the day that you were ready. You are like nothing is stopping me. Oh, that's like one thing that I can really remember. Mmm capricorn. Yeah. Oh Caprica. I love that that's I could totally relate to that too is like I just always wanted to do things when I wanted to do them and people weren't going to tell me when that was really it was just like no toe now, huh? But I also feel like that can like that's a good thing and then also it can sometimes be challenging because it makes me think about like sometimes I'm like, I like to ride things until the wheels fall off and then I'm like I should go now and so like I think that's also the similar type of Of Personality trait, which also you know might not always be super beneficial, right? So yeah go both ways. Yeah. So you moved your in California, you're living in San Francisco going to college. Yep. And then what was your relationships back then really I had a pretty long term relationship High School through college. I actually look back very fondly at that relationship which Really really wonderful young love Zone and then I would say following that relationship. I've had a series of different types of relationships and they were not the healthiest. I'm relationships just the dynamic. It definitely inspired me to look at the book attached. Oh, yeah to learn about different attachment Styles and how that can really impact. T' relationships absolutely. So what is that book? What does that book about? That's just about the different attachments test. If there's there's a secure attachment which is ideally who you would want to pair with. I think in any relationship, right? They can help people who are anxious or avoidant. I think it's more beneficial or helpful for those that are anxious because they are like that grounding like seeing that they have that trust and stability. And then yeah so avoidant, so there's anxious secure and avoidant, which is secure and avoidant and can't you kind of flow between them? Yeah, totally and I think that it affects or it depends on who you are with. Yes. Well, so I found myself being drawn to people who were more avoidant. So then I became more anxious I run anxious by Nature. Yeah, and so it made me that much more right? Yes. Yeah. Courtney sentaro who's been on here twice now the astrologer we talked about attachment Styles quite a bit. And she we I think we talked about it on episode one of like her leaning more towards like that anxious attachment. Yeah, and I was always the opposite like in relationships so avoidant. Yeah. I was more of the avoidance. Yeah, and it's because I was like, I think it's just because I was so unwilling to open at that point like with those like those earlier. Nation ships I was so afraid that I would like once they started to like get close to me. I was like who yeah get away from me. Like it just like scared me. We're like not I don't know if this was annexed something for you. But like if they started wanting to know more or learn more it was like no everything's fine. Like what do you mean or or there's like a shield, but definitely I'm or yeah, I just didn't ever want to go. I was just kind of grossed out. I don't know. It was really unhealthy, but then like meeting hi, this is like the first really Russian ship thank God. We're married where he was so secure there were some moments of like anxiousness early on when we were living like long-distance totally but like I definitely see how like that secure attachment style. Like totally fucking grounded me in that way because I had never had that yep was always like a little seems like secure and again, I'm not like super like, I don't know this like in depth I got burst in it totally. But yeah, I definitely feel like secure attachment can be a good. I like sounding board but they can hold that space. So yeah, they even if you have moments of being more. Feeling more anxious or more avoidant that they can hold this space so that it allows you to come back. Absolutely. Yes. And so you're saying that and I haven't really felt this or thought this but even in the distance early on with high and I there was some anxiousness on my end because I loved him so much and we were far apart, but he was so secure and yeah like there were times where I'm like is this good like are we still got were so good and he was just like of course. Yeah, but yeah. That's so true how that security can just make you feel so much better. You got to have it. Yeah, what did you go to college for? So I did liberal studies I went so I actually want to do hair. I did hair for five years. Oh cool. Yeah. So it's awesome the first two years of college where non-negotiable which is totally fair was like getting it a then if you still want to do this like go for it, and I was like, okay, that's fair, and I knew I wanted to do hair, but when I went to look at the beauty school in San Francisco before going to college College or that's final two years. I got like super freak Towers like oh my God, what's two more years like just do this and then go and so I actually I did liberal studies, which a lot of people will do liberal studies if they want to go to the credential program to be a teacher. So I don't want to downplay and say it's a degree for General Ed. But I've say that in the sense of you go over multiple topics. It's a lot of writing but it's not like science major or I know you touch on everything. Because then you would go into the credential program. Okay. Yeah, and so you were doing hair in San Francisco though. Yeah. So after I went to college, I've had many a life. I feel ya after I went to college. I then went to Beauty School in San Francisco. Okay, and then I did hair for about five to six years. I bet you were so good at it. I liked it and talking with people and like being sassy. I really enjoyed getting to know people and Also, I feel like getting your hair done is like something that you do when you just feel great. And so most of the time not all the time, but most of the time people would be really happy in your chair and not that you have to be happy all the time, but it's nice to do something. That is also bringing people. Yeah, whenever I get my hair done like I need to go out and do all my groceries. Like I feel really good right? No get my hair. Yeah. Yeah. Really enjoyed it. I met a lot of really wonderful people. Hmm. And so you're not doing that now? No, I actually I stopped doing hair in San Francisco and I became a personal trainer. Oh, yeah. And what was the shift their? How did that happen? So I that's good that is kind of a long story, but I have always been active my my entire life pretty much I grew up doing gymnastics until I was Pretty much a freshman in high school. So I did competitive gymnastics. So, you know, we would gymnastics is a very intense intense sport, you know, we would work out 12 to 16 hours a week on top of school. So I did that but I feel like with gymnastics at some point. You're either going to go like to Elite and potentially the Olympics or at some point. You know, it's you stop is harder. Yeah, so like yeah, and I got to high school I stopped doing I mean gymnastics but I always found myself in sports or you know, I did cheerleading one year which I didn't love but I feel like it's a common transition for gymnast because you can still tumble and you can still do a lot of those things but in a different context, yeah, so it's still kind of like kept me in it. Yeah, and then I did track a little bit but it was probably I think it was yeah, I mean it was in high school. When I started going to the gym quite frequently and so yeah, I just was very active and the more and more I worked out the more my body's changed and shifted and there was a period where I was feeling very empowered by it and I saw a lot of people transition or transform. Yeah, but not just physically but like emotionally and how movement can be really empowering for people bandhan. And also there is a darker side to that. Yeah, but the transition I was doing hair as much as I enjoyed meeting people and I still cut you know, my friends hair and stuff. Dunno. Yeah, like you're like, yeah and I felt like the industry's just a tough industry and I give a lot of props to people who can kind of stick it out. It's just yeah, it's a tough industry. So what's tough about it? I think finding a place that feels like a home cozy. I mean, yeah, and it's I'm just like I'm such a softy. Yeah, so it's like I can hold my own right but I also and I'm an empath so it's like I internalized a lot. Yeah, so I think for me it was just it was a kind of impacting. Yeah, and then also the work is really hard. Yeah, a lot of people I think and that's why I give a lot of credit to people who are hair stylist because I think sometimes they get a bad rap of like, oh you just do hair and it's like you're on your feet all day like chemicals like you legitimately can Mess things up. So like you still go to school for it. You still have to pass boards like you've all written and practical like so it is just as yeah, you know, it is equally as it's a job. It's a big job. Yeah. Yeah. So throw my mom was a Beauty School Dropout. I see his fucking hard. It was not as like glamorous and easy as I thought it was going to be definitely not. Yeah. Okay, so but guess we transition I think just because it was during a time where I was working out a lot. Yeah, and I was enjoying that it felt it definitely felt like An easy transition of like, okay. Well what else? What I want to do, right and I was able to study for it online and you know and at home so I could do that while doing other work. Yeah, so I think that that's yeah and that's how I transitioned into personal training. And were you working at her like a private Studio or was it a gym or well, so yeah when I became a personal trainer, actually I had a friend that owned a studio. So I rented a space I didn't want to do the corporate thing. Yeah, again, no disrespect to people who choose to go that route because I know it's a great way to get. More education and meet a lot of people clients totally. Yeah. It's a very efficient way for me. My I just felt I wanted to work with people in such a close way of like the I didn't want them to feel like a number. I didn't want to push. I didn't want to have to make a certain number a month. I didn't want to feel like I had to push supplements on them. I just wanted to help people feel. Well empowered. So yeah, I had a couple people that I trained at their house which was so fun. So cozy am one of them. I just adore her so much. She liked to there were two clients that I trained at home and I adored both of them and one of them in particular I would get to her place and she would just have Bruno Mars bumping she was ready and I could hear it from my car and every time I would just light up and I'd get there and shoot open the door and be like, I am ready. And every time I do any form of exercise be this much fun. I know it's so great. It's really sweet. Yeah, so I made like real and I still keep in touch with everyone that I that was a client. Wow. So yeah, I've like created really special relationships. Yeah and your yoga teacher I am that's how we met Yes. Actually it was at last year's Christmas Market at Now yoga where you teach and Portland? Yeah, and how did you transition from personal training to teaching yoga? Yeah. Okay, so that's I almost was like a forced Thing by the universe feels like but I never said I struggled I would say pretty much through my fitness world like period which was a good half of my life. I struggled with an eating disorder it is if you were to give it a term it would be orthorexia. And so that is it's becoming more talked about Out but it's this obsession with health. And so, you know being extra regimented with what you're choosing to eat and how often you eat. How often you exercise what you do for exercise and I yeah, I did that for a quite a long time and it was pretty much at the peak of that when my body just I got so much. Push back I so I did a lot of different there were some really great moments from it. I would say because I got to be really fun events. I participated in Ragnar relay, which is so fun. It's like when I ignore Ragnar, okay, like what is that? So same idea you have like 12 people to Vans and you run different distances, but it's so wonderful Like You Meet A lot of people and energy run at like 2:00 in the morning. You're like, how cool is this? It's like Like they're like, why am I doing this? Yeah, I love it fun. But I decided to train for a marathon. So a dear friend of mine. We were both training for half-marathons just at different different ones. But at the same time, yeah, and so they were like her and her now husband were like we're gonna do a full Marathon do it with us and I was like, yeah sure. That'd be so fun. And I I Severely overtrained instead of changing my exercise routine in my nourishment, which was already not I wasn't properly taken care of myself for the amount of exercise I was doing but instead of altering that I just added marathon training to it. So it's like I took what I was doing and I didn't alter your one of Staff diet and then I just added marathon training to it. Everybody's like he's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? I had a lot of a lot of pushback. Yeah and pretty much when I got to the point where I kind of was like and it was really disheartening like I got 220 miles. So I was like a month out and I was just like I can't do this and I would say to be fair. It was definitely not that clear. There was a lot of struggle that I had mentally having to work through cuz that was the beginning really of kind of my journey. Yeah, I was definitely not that easy of a decision. But I also was like the amount of physical discomfort. I was in it just wasn't worth it Oakland. Was it physical discomfort in like the day-to-day or just when you were like running? Oh, no day-to-day it like I mean my body I ended up, you know, I dealt with adrenal fatigue. I've had a lots of gut issues. My cortisol was like through the roof. So there was many many factors. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, and so was it right after that race that you're like I need to or I need to do something and just shift or where where did you go after that? So I think it was it was right before the race where I started feeling like something's not right. Hmm. And so there's been that this part is just been like such a journey and I remember yoga was the first thing that they were like, okay. Well, this is a form of movement and they of course, you know, I started With restorative where it was like who's they practitioners that I was working with? Okay. So yeah the I ended up starting getting a team of people. So wow, you know doing the whole therapy and ND dietitian nutritionist all that snow like help me out, but something's not right. Yeah, I feel horrible. Yeah, and so I kind of found yoga, but it's interesting because with having I operated a certain way for a very long time and so to find And something like me find yoga really there's eight limbs to yoga. Right and they're not all physical and so to come to that and I noticed my mind start to be like, oh like I can just do a ton of power Vinyasa classes like yoga is allowed. So, how can I like I found how can I push it to the max Leigh being like? Okay like I kinda spite like this is cool. And then it's back to notice that and be like, oh, I see I see what's happening pattern. Yeah, so Anyway, so that was kind of a process in itself, but I had a couple teachers that I worked with who are absolutely incredible who were very very huge in the beginning of my recovery because I did a lot of privates with them and it was just simple things as like breath work and like being in touch learning to feel what it's like to be in this like human body and not operate like a machine. And so yeah, there was that and then working with them and I noticed such a shift. I also started working with an ayurvedic practitioner who that woman. I mean, she's she's helped save me like she's just such an incredible woman she in California she is okay, and I will never forget when I started working with her. She was she was so wonderful. We had we communicated frequently. docks and just like so if I needed to ask our question like she was so incredible and I remember, you know, I started scaling back what my exercise looked like just because of the severity and being like you need to nourish your body just a side note that I think is really important to address that Eating Disorders are one of the Hyatt have one of the highest mortality rates of mental illnesses not to say that I was that Extreme but just say that it is a really big. I think that we as human beings can sometimes take for granted all that our bodies. Do I remember her saying to me? I was really frustrated. I was like I'm starting to change my patterns. Like why do I feel so horrible? Like why is my body punishing me and she was just like sweet Lauren like your body's not punishing you like your body is doing everything it can to keep you alive. Oh, I like this idea of just like our bodies. Use whole much for us like and it sounds so like cliche but it's so true. Like it's just yeah, it's like not only does our body like PLS out of bed, but it like can take us to do incredible things and go to a yoga class or teach a yoga class. It's like it's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah, I was going to say how did you like have that awareness to go and get so much support? Support so quickly. I that just is so incredible to me and I haven't seen that a ton. So where do you think that comes from? I think comes back to that same like writing till the wheels fall off type thing because I just I think at some point I was like this like I think it was 26 because I remember being like I am 26 years old and I feel this awful like I should not like this is not how I should feel in my body and they think Just knowing and there's always been this part of me. And I think that's what I try to hold on to is like just being like I don't know like what do you have to lose right like in seeking help like you don't have to go through it alone. I don't I guess looking back. I don't really know specifically what it was other than me feeling. Like I didn't have another option. I'd so much pushback from my body. But you know now I can reflect back and be like there was some part of me that was just like you don't have to live like this if you just you don't I love it. It's like your soul talking to you. It's like honey. You can have a good life. Yep, and your body needs. You right now that's so beautiful. Yeah, and so you started going through working with these different practitioners to get back to health. And what is that Journey look like for you to share some of that? Yeah. It was a journey because I think that the most supported in the sense of practitioners because my I am feel incredibly blessed to have the support system of the friends and family that I do but in regards to practitioners, I would say the biggest support I've had was since I moved here because two years ago, he has about two years ago. So I got my sorry. I know this is kind of a like tangential we like to squirrel around over. So it's pie basically my time in San Francisco. All of this was towards the end of my move. I'm sorry the end of my time in San Francisco. Okay. So I remember being I was working at the yoga studio as well like front desk taking classes all this stuff and then they were offering I was like, wow, I would love to go through the yoga teacher training because as you know, it's also it's really not just for people who want to teach like it's such like a dedicating time to just love on yourself to nourish who you are totally and so I Yeah, so I did the yoga teacher training and the way the timing fell it's like one of those things where like you just know you're going in the direction that feels aligned with you because it felt seamless like my move here felt seamless my not seamless. There's of course bumps in the road, but it didn't feel like a struggle. Yeah. It was not Upstream totally. Yeah. I felt like I was like in the flow. Yeah, but yeah, so I got my teacher training because that also is great to pair with personal training. I found that once I got my yoga my 200 hours certification. I would incorporate that into like the boot camps. I was leading on and they like the participants loved it, which was great. And so yeah, so oh, yeah the the journey so really I would say the the most support I did love the woman that I worked with the therapist in California, but coming here has probably been The most supportive I think just the the energy here is different and I know bad, you know, no bad know about it's not something you hang back to California because I like yeah, I grew up there and but the energy in San Francisco is different than the energy in Oregon Portland. There's kind of like, I mean, I'm biased because I'm from here, but I just feel like Portland and just Oregon and Enroll is such a place of healing totally and there's just open arm. Yes, just like come here. Child. It kind of not energy even by Nature. Yeah, I just felt like I will never forget when I drove in to like the night the day that I moved and I drove in and so I had sold everything that didn't fit in my Toyota Corolla. So I think I moved with like five boxes an air mattress. And I've been like blankets or something. That was pretty much it right like a pillow. Yeah, and I remember driving in and I think it was the Fremont bridge. I should know this. I'm like 99% positive and that the sun was setting and I just remember my face like lit up and I had this feeling of like your home oh your home and it was just it was such a special moment and you were by yourself. Whoa, but it felt like something I needed to do like kind of like, you know, my the people closest to You're like let us help you and I was like no, I like I like how cool would this be just do this for myself things and like just move? Yeah. So do you feel like where you are at in your recovery from your orthorexia? Do you think that was like kind of like next chapter like Catalyst like moving to Portland totally? I think I don't think because I think a part of it was also like shedding a label that I had or that I felt that I had. Yeah. It didn't align with me anymore. Right? And and so this is kind of a cool story. I remember when I did apply to college so I still applied to college even though I knew I wanted to go to beauty school, but I applied to Oregon State and I got in and I remember I wanted to go and everyone's like we'll have you been there like it's foggy and I don't I don't mind the fog. Yeah, thank God. I remember because that would be that would be a problem. But I just remember being like I really want to go and like have you Visited and I'm like no, but I just have this like Pole to go. Oh my God, I ended up not going that isn't literally your soul totally and it's so crazy that like here I am in Portland and it just feels like home and I remember when I first moved even how unsettling it was it like there was some part of me that was like this is where you are like a residence of just like justly where you are supposed to be everything will fall into place. Totally. That's beautiful. Yeah, and so you're here now, Now yeah, what are you doing here? You're teaching yoga. Yes. I am teaching yoga. And I'm also a nanny. Okay, which I love it is such a gift so part of this and so with orthorexia I didn't have my period for about five years. It's back now and it's been consistent like Mama's leg. It's like a huge sign of Vitality for females. And so I learned a lot like I just it's been a very educational experience. You know like females having their period is very important for bone health heart health like so so many factors and so I feel very fortunate to have gained it back right? How long did it take for you to gain it back and we just stay there for a minute. I totally well. So I mean, I've I'll just say it it's fine. It's been about five months now. Okay, so it's really I mean, I didn't have it five months consistently. Yeah. I didn't have it for about five to five and a half years and then then I got it. Almost a year ago, but it was kind of like hitting mess. Yeah, I know but that's feel like when it came back so surreal know what to do. I was like I like what I do like by things but it also was like So I I'll never forget my sister saying to me she was like, oh there's life there like that feeling of like, oh my God, like there's life like and that's because with like so the body is so fascinating with especially Eating Disorders, like my body shut down, but that's because it's so smart. That's what it had to do. Right like our bodies know what to do to Keep Us Alive like our bodies are so smart. We think we can control it. Which yeah, and I guess in some capacity we can but like Innately like our bodies just know and so it's as like frustrating as the process has been it's like my body's learning to trust me again. I'm learning to trust my body and so getting my period back. It also gives me hope for like that. I could have kids. Yeah. I mean hope there's other factors. So yeah, I know but it gives me more hope right I like if I chose to like, maybe I could maybe I could maybe that's a possibility. That's so beautiful have there been Things because I mean you've been going through recovery for two years. Yeah, probably I mean, can you tell us what like recovery looks like mmm. I can first say it's not linear. Okay. So yeah, I've I'm saying like recovery like I know but I don't having a yeah, it's definitely not linear. So I think it's so interesting so generally and I can't speak for every eating disorder. I've I think it's also important to note that there's this Expectation expectation, I think with a forms of addiction. There's this thought that it's the extreme or you don't have it. Yeah, totally you're either binging and purging or restricting and that's it. And it's like there's actually this a big spectrum of like I think any type of like our relationships to food and exercise are very, They're very complex. And so that has been something that I've learned also recovery with an eating disorder is tricky because unlike an again. I'm trying to be respectful. I don't know much about other forms of addiction, but I do know that if there's a drug addiction, you know, it would be something like, okay. Well we will will work with someone too. Hopefully we knew off and then you'll be off of it, but you can't not eat and you can't MILF so to have a complex relationship already where there's this control factor and then learn how to still move and also still eat but in a way that's nourishing for your body is very challenging. Yeah. I'm so I mean there are I'm far enough away. I'm like far enough removed from behaviors and patterns, which is really exciting. There's a sense of Freedom there. Yeah. But I definitely do not have it all figured out. You know, it's I don't I don't know if you can ever fully recover and a part of me is like I want to be I'm continuing to grow through this process. Yeah, and so my relationship to things is getting healthier, which is really wonderful but it's also that is a part of me that I think I hold with tenderness and like compassion kind of like a warm hug of like oh like that's what They did to help me. It was a survival tool, you know, so I think I'm learning to befriend that part of me and be like, oh that's like that. Yeah. See you. I feel you. It's so beautiful. Yeah. It's like the more we can connect with these like quote-unquote like darker parts of us like the more whole we become and like what is the gift? Yeah in this Darkness. What is this here? Is this here for me? Me to then help the world, you know, and I think that's what you're doing. Yeah and one so I will never forget in seventh grade. Someone asked me what I wanted to do. Hmm. And that was when I first initially wanted to do hair and I remember my response was I want to help people feel beautiful. Oh and it's so crazy to meet also like looking back at that to be like that is what I want to do. It just looks a lot different than what I think at that time I envisioned right? And so that is what I want to do. I want to help people feel beautiful Mike Know that there's so much more. There are things bigger than us. Yes. And do you talk openly about your orthorexia with your students? I haven't yet. I am I am leading a yoga for a cause class at Now yoga in February for need. Uh, so the national Eating Disorders Association amazing super pumped about will link it in. The show notes is already created. So I created it's not fully up yet. But I've created the link or I'm like in the process of it. It's super easy and it can definitely I'll give you the link. I would be so nice if people want to donate that would be so wonderful if they want to just come to the class as well. That is what also be wonderful. Oh, so happy you're doing that. Yeah, it's I did this year last spring. I did the need a walk in Salem and that was just like so surreal. What was that? Like hmm, very emotional. I think my heart hurt a little bit because you know, there are a lot of things that people feel passionate about in this life and based on our lived experiences and based on my lived experience. I'm very passionate about mental health, especially around eating disorders and body acceptance and with it being one of the most having one of the highest mortality rates. It is also one of the least funded I think when it comes to donations and so I was one of In this is not like well look at me but it was I was one of the higher fundraisers and in the big picture like as donation things go. It wasn't a ton of money, right and that just like broke my heart to be like we're like, how did I bring in the most money? Yeah. It was it was also so special like To be a part of something I've donated for things in the past. Right? And I think it also goes to show when you donate for something that really hits home it like it just feel regardless of how much it is. It doesn't matter. It's just like I get to help a cause that's really important to me. Yeah, that's beautiful like very dear to my heart. So it was and I went by myself, but it felt like something I wanted to do by myself. I love you. I love you this do that. Thanks. I mean Super uncomfortable. Yeah, but like it's also those are Mindset of really special so special and what is where are you at with your body today? Mmm. I am working with lots of compassion. You know, I think yeah, that's definitely something that still is on the Forefront of my mind. I have been holding a lot of space to just be grateful when I know the condition or like how I was treating my body and how far I've come and what I'm capable of doing is just like I think that is what's grounding me through all of that because of course my thought like I have to eat every day. For my well-being I need to do some type of movement whether it's walking or you know, but, you know noticing where there's still those thoughts that come in but being like hey I get to walk today. Yeah, our latitude finding a think what's been really helpful for me is finding different forms of movement. I got into rock climbing, which is so fun. You go to the rock gym. Just go one importantly. I want outdoor climbing for the first while first time since I was like, I mean, Maybe I did once but like it feels so it's like dancing on a wall and it feels so fluid and I mean and strong it is Hive so much it is so hard because my mind is like oh if I go like trying to figure it out, you know and like Capricorn every yeah like boxes rules like perfect on the go here I go here here. I'll get to the top like, no actually it's not that easy a humble learning to move with your body, but I think Doing things like that and also finding hobbies to help me to relate to my body in a different way. So I just signed up for a clay. I think it's like the clay throwing like on the wheel stop it. Nick said no. Yeah next weekend. I'm going to do my first one which I'm super pumped and that's like using my body but to create something and like that's all I care about if I love that you're doing that that feels like another sign from the universe because it's like I keep I've been wanting to learn how for so long do it. For yeah forever and I just keep talking to people who are doing it and I'm like what the fuck I want totally. Yeah, is it important? So Portland? It's a hot thing. It's a hot commodity in Portland. So I'm actually going to a place in Vancouver. Okay, and they have classes where you can just like go in for a class could drop in I want to do so. Yeah. Yeah, I can give you the information. I can you can link it if other people are yeah because Portland is great if but if you haven't done it before they're beginning classes, I think. Two of the ones that I looked at or sold until like March. Oh, wow. That's right. Now you're like Mom but once once you know what to do, you can go to Open studio. And I think you have more flexibility, right which is great. I love is so yeah just like relating to my body in different ways taking dance classes. I'm a kitchen dancer. I love dancing in the kitchen you're like trying to but even that it's like when you're so used to operating in ass like a machine like way like rigid or is more Yeah, then that can feel kind of uncomfortable. Yeah, but like learning to like yeah what music do I like but it's something that I wanted to share. I had met someone here in Portland and they had asked me what is your biggest fear in life? And I remember I was like, I haven't like thought about that in a long time and I was like, wow a long time ago a long time ago, but I used to be afraid of death, which I think is a very common fear, but I was like through this journey like My my biggest fear is like being alive and not living and like I think that's been like a really big turning point for Recovery is like that was I was alive but I was like so regimented and I was like that felt like such a dark period that like now like there's I'm so I'm uncomfortable in my body at times like a human but like how great is that to feel uncomfortable? Oh like and yeah, this is so Uncomfortable, but I'm going to do it anyways. Oh, I love that now so I know there's just like this Hope ya like it cordial. Yeah. It's yeah, I can relate to that so much of what you just said because I had an eating disorder in high school. It was more just not eating totally enough a similar, but I guess it would be called orthorexia. I was like very little food and lots of working out totally and it was like just like my relationship with my body has been so tumultuous. Joshua's mostly bad until like in the like the last few years. I felt so much better, but it's like when I think of like looking when I think of looking at myself, this is an exercise. I do I think of looking at my body and myself as a very old old old woman. Hmm and how sad I would be to not be living in my body today as a 29 year old totally and why would I waste my whole life not being in this body? That I've been gifted by whoever and just yeah, it's just like that. I'd be so scared to not live in this life and be 90 years old if I'm lucky to live that long and look back and be like, what was I doing? Yeah, all of the mental space and physical space that's taken up with that obsession with the way that we look you're like that the way you look means that you're that much more worthy. Right and you know, and that's a whole other piece with recovery is Like there's a lot more time to learn about yourself instead of being like Oh, I'll just go work out. Yeah are all go do this. Like there's a lot more time. And again, you know, everyone's work is different every like there's so many factors that go into this but at least in regards to The eating disorder piece right like the mental space like now I'm like, oh I have like I have free time like, I don't know. I don't even people like what you like to do. I'm like it at home in my papa's. I'm yeah, I'm learning and I'm learning. Yeah, which is really I feel like I've been gifted as another opportunity. Yeah. I don't know if you feel this, but I certainly do have like if you have like a few hours of not really maybe you haven't had this just tell me like if you I don't but like if I go a few hours with not even thinking about my body and like a Cess of way. I'm like, holy shit. I'm doing really well. Yeah because it used to be always I told every moment I'd be having a conversation with you or something or anyone and I would be thinking about my body and how it looked absolutely to the other person or anyone who might walk by us as I'm having the conversation it was so so so so painful and like now to like be cooking dinner for my husband and I and moving around not thinking about it. Yeah, I still I'll think about it, but just not 24/7. One of the context is different. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know how like it's definitely still comes up like thoughts come up for me often, but how I relate to them or how I handle them when they are their hair looks different. Yeah, love and compassion where I'm just like up there you are again, like I see yellow here instead of being like go away. I don't want you to be here. It's just like we're like what the fuck is wrong with me? Like why am I thinking like this just being like, oh I see. Wait for it like half of your life like yeah, you're learning right how to operate differently and also, you know societal messages. I think don't really help not at all. So yeah, so that's like also something to although you know, we are saying how like, I do think that that's starting to change people are talking more which I think is really wonderful. So wonderful, it's a gift but there is still still very much like kind of shoved down our throats. Yeah and There are people in my life that I've talked to about this stuff that I think there's messages that we don't even realize like if you watch a show that it's probably like either a guilty pleasure show it like you might not realize at some point there might be some comment whether it's about food or body or workout or looking a certain way or like it's it's so much more common than I think we even realize absolutely which can also be really triggering for people in this world and confusing. Yeah, like that's a whole nother piece of you know, Every is its can super confused so confusing. Yeah how has working in this yoga Community? Because you are a part of the yoga Community. How has that been for you with is just issues related to your body because I know I mean yogurt there's a lot of yoga teachers out there that are like teaching power Vinyasa and are totally you know, I mean, it's just it can how do I even put it into words? How has that has that been more healing or triggering a times or both? So I think in the beginning it was more triggering when I was trying to find my ground with teaching because I was comparing a lot of like, oh, my class isn't like that. My class should be like that. It should be like this or you know, I should look this way and I drop I'm a yoga teacher I should look this way. Yeah, I do think that like Again, that's starting to change to where people it's like because I love I've learned about Hayes like the health at every size which is so great because there's this assumption like the way you looked at equals the way you how healthy you are which is so not true not true at all right at all. But in the beginning of teaching, I think that was really challenging for me, but I would say within the last like, so I've been teaching yoga now for like two and a half years and I feel like I'm starting to I'm able to show up and just be like, this is me. And again, I think it's really important to address like I do not have it all figured out like this is all I'm learning. But I know none of us know what the hell we're doing this like it's definitely not like I do not it is still healing and forever, you know, but it's I feel like I'm able to show up more as myself and just be like I'm going to like teaching and instructing is so vulnerable. Yeah, so I think just being like I want people People to have a wonderful experience and I think my goal ultimately is like I remember the experience. I had my first few classes regardless of the style and like I want to offer that for people to be like like there's My Heart Like Yours my body like I feel you and yes, you know, it might feel great today and tomorrow I might feel horrible right but that's okay and I'm going to soak in this moment. Yeah, totally. I love that. So so freaking much yeah. Do you have any like main resources that have been really supportive for you during your healing? Yeah and recovery, so there's a lot well once that I would love to link so like Psychology today. If you go on there you can actually look up different therapists. And I think that's what you like. That's what the resource that I had used to just kind of see what would special like for Specialists your stuff so I would fully support I mean So much of this is it's like not about the food. It's not about the exercise or so much more to it. So that also need a is a great resource Nita so the national eating disorder Association. Okay. Yeah, so they their Nationwide so they can they have great resources on there because there's lots of I know that with recovery comes insurance and expense and there are still free groups go where there's like groups that have a minimal. Just for you to just get some type of support because it's very isolating and every person experiences. Like we said there's a spectrum it's a different experience. So like someone what might be challenging for one person isn't for the other and so I think being around people that you're like, oh we're kind of like I struggled with dinner last night or you know, something that you don't I struggled with my exercise or you know, whatever it looks like right, but so that would be one and I also think finding mode Dalit, he's to help you physically. So like I have been doing acupuncture for the past. Like I mean, it's for sure since I moved here. I did a little bit before in the beginning but acupuncture getting a naturopath or an MD and do whatever feels most aligned with you. I personally have felt most supported by naturopathic doctors because there's You're looking at the whole the whole and again, I don't know enough about other, you know other medicine, but that's been super it's just so connected to yoga to like totally and limbs or whatever. Like I've worked with someone that does abdominal massage. So it's just I think the biggest thing for me I would say is psychology today and then Nida and need as a great resource because they can also connect you I think with you know, dietitians nutritionists they have can talk to Different recovery centers I know montanita is in Portland, which would be a great source for people who need more structure for your recovery. Yeah, I like not. Eating Disorders are so tricky because they're so hidden and secret and you know, I'm glad that it's changing and I think part of my recovery is sharing my story because it's like removing the guilt and the shame so I think knowing that You don't have to go through it alone. And if something doesn't feel right or if you're questioning your relationships to things like it could be really scary. But it also could really be worth exploring. Yeah and life-changing. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah and you're leading a retreat and February works with doing that is it felt or they're all there's still some spots. Can you talk about that Richard? Yeah, so I it's all just kind of happened very quickly I am. In a retreat in Bend, it's going to be a weekend retreat. It's like rest and restore. So it's going to be will do a yoga class. They'll be some journaling meditation. The place has a hot tub, so it'll be just really cozy. I'll be making all the food which I'm really excited about. I love baking so I'll be making the food and it'll just be a weekend to just be cozy and I'm like part of me is hoping it's end of February. So I'm like, well, they're still be some snow. There better be I'm hopeful I mean not enough to like make the trip some people horrible but enough for it to like be cozy, you know, I'm like so when I first moved here, so, you know, you don't get snow in San Francisco. And so when the snow landed I was like, oh my God, it's like people are like, oh you're new here, but there's something so magical so magical and so I feel like even if there's like a little bit like I'll take it. So have you been up to Timberline? Yeah, so thank God. Yeah, I mean I haven't this is the year. I was like part of my like relating to my body try new activities. Like I'm going to go up and I don't know if it'll be Timberline, but I'm gonna go and I want to learn to ski or yeah, it's been a long it's been a hot minute since I've since I've done so fun. Yeah, my beautiful catch. I love it. I grew up working at Timberline. My whole freakin family works at Timberline. What didn't I do there? I started in like housekeeping when I was 14 and I have worked reservation because you lived near Hood like your how close was it to where you were so I grew up in Rhododendron? Okay, that's about 25 minutes. Okay from Timber line goes that's not far at all. No, it's really close like to place for a job. Yeah, and it was like what me and all my friends did we just worked up at Timberline? And yeah, my mom worked there for a lot of my childhood and my stepdads the GM. Yeah, so it's like everyone up there. I'm just like Timberlands home. I love it so much. So Are they still there? I stepped out us. Okay. Yeah, he's up. There he is. But yeah, I just love Timberline. I'm actually going to go up there with Courtney on Thanksgiving which is weird that I'm not going up there with my husband, but he'll be back in Montana. Okay, and then all we're doing like an early Thanksgiving and then I'll be doing a friendsgiving here. I'm gonna go to Timberline to get like hot cocoa. Oh, I love that. Have you had hot cocoa there? No, I have not but I so chocolate is like I am like a chocolate connoisseur. Yeah chocolate every day. That's like well it is not fancy hot chocolate. But the what they do to it is fancy. So it's like probably kind of shitty hot chocolate but then say, okay sorry Timberline, but then it's like whipped cream and then like chunks of Heath and like a candy cane and does not sound like I should be hot chocolate. It's like the I think the powder or whatever. It's not like a fancy like I don't even know. But anyway, and I get kind of busy with my child. Yeah. It's a shame. So um, so we have a couple listener questions. Yeah. Can I ask you please? So what do you do when old feelings creep back in kind of answered that and he said but yeah, I would say it depends on the day to be completely honest. I would say I have found you know, it's so tricky because exercise you do get endorphin that like that natural high. So I think certain Days, I'm when I try to really listen and honor and like okay, if I want to go do something I will now I have set hard rules for myself. So I don't go over just in to making sure because that's like my tendency is like the more the more do more do more do it. Yeah, but I would say so when old thoughts because they're still very present. I think it's just honored like acknowledge them instead of being like go away be like, oh there you are do Journal it's like I I've go through phases. So I think journaling can be really helpful if it feels like like when it feels authentic where I'm like, oh, I want to write this out. I'll do it. This is being like I need again. It's that feeling of like if it's something that I need to do as a tool. Yeah, then it doesn't flow right? So I think that or also I take those thoughts and be like, what can I do for myself that feels good? Yeah. Well, like let's throw my legs up the wall and I'll just sit there and I might be uncomfortable, but I missed it there for 15 minutes or make something for One I remember I started I there's something about receiving mail. No. Oh, yeah the best when I've had those things and like what can I do for someone so I like write letters and just mail them so some so I think yeah, I guess it's so tricky because it's everyone so different different but what I what I would encourage would be to try to open yourself to being creative or like honoring that part of you of like, okay, so that's an old thought. It's not pattern. I feel that I see that but I don't want to go down that path. Yeah, because I know what that is. Absolutely and so being like what can I do to nourish myself? Yeah, how can I love on myself take a bath? Yeah. It's so beautiful the other one and again you kind of you kind of answered these but maybe you have another thing you want to throw in what steps can I take what steps can I take to move into a space of Better Body acceptance? Softness and love for myself so sweet. I love that I knew to do especially because I'm like, oh that's something that like, I'm still working on every day. I don't think I feel like especially with Society. It doesn't you know it. I mean, maybe people maybe there are people in this world who I and I'm sure there are that don't struggle with that in the same way, but How can you say that one more time? Yeah, that's a beautiful question. Yeah, what steps can I take to move into a space of Better Body acceptance softness and love for myself. Mmm. I think gratitude for all that. Our bodies are doing MMA and I know that that's like we talked about gratitude a lot but I think because it works and also like when you really think about all that our bodies do like when you really think about it, right like just being like like Thank you. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, I feel like gratitude and and finding things that bring you Joy and I know that that's not easy because I'm still I'm still working on that. Yeah, like they're going to a clinic last. Yeah. I'm like, I want to find something that's not exercise related. That makes me happy that will bring me joy and I think when you have tools in your kit that like, you know, bring you Joy when you have those moments, you can help bring that with like compassion and it's building your toolbox totally basically because it's like what's going to work for you one day may not the next year when you have a ton of shit that makes you feel good and joyous you have a lot to choose from and also I think In society or in this world, we sometimes feel guilty to do nice things for us for ourselves. Yeah, like a were being selfish overindulgent or what I and I do think that that's like a huge piece of it because I dunno like acupuncture and abdominal massage. Those are all luxuries like, you know, when I think believing that like you're doing something to invest in yourself that brings you like some he's is also really helpful. Yeah, because those those feelings I feel like will not well. Definitely. I don't know if they'll ever like fully go away. Yeah, absolutely. I feel that I'm not to get like back back back but like just like with body dysmorphia stuff that I've dealt with of like literally seeing a totally different body in the mirror than what's actually there. It's like there are just and it's usually like around when I'm when I have my period but like that's what I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. Did I just liking so much, you know, and I just see myself so differently and it's like, but I met a really good. Earthy place but those thoughts still creep back in and I just don't see them being completely gone ever and I think that's okay. Yeah, I think it's like that kind of dark and light like it just helps us to really appreciate those good body image moments that much more and to have that Insight I think is also really helpful to like if you can step back from it and be like, what is the alternative? Yeah, and if it's worth it absolutely where can people connect with you. Hmm. So that's a while. So we were talking about So I'm working on my website, which I will hopefully be up by the end of the year. That's like my goal but present would be would be my email which I will link it. Okay? Yeah my email and then I am on social media. I'm not I'm not Super Active on social media, but I am on Facebook and Instagram so and you do have some Community classes. Can you share that so I teach classes at Now yoga PDX both their Williams location and their division location. They have to now It is a high-intensity class. So and that's why I know it sounds like wait a second and that's something that I've that has been to be honest something that I've struggled with. But I also feel like I know how I teach the class and so that's also been I think interesting for me because when you go through recovery, and I was over and not to like totally backtrack, but just something that I think would be worth sharing. It's a pendulum. So I was like on the way High Spectrum of exercise and then I went to this like my body so fragile, I don't want to hurt it. I don't want to be challenged. I just want to love on it and then there's this period of like, okay like I do also want to be like it's empowering to be challenged. Yeah, but also love on yourself. And so I feel like that class is kind of a mix where like you are challenged and I encourage people to challenge themselves, but I also really encourage people to honor where they're at. So I let them know that this I'm really just A container and I'm guiding them to do some challenging exercises. But also there's so much time that's also designated towards just like the restore peace to it. So that's that's currently what I'm teaching. I'm sure it'll evolve like the more I think about it and also my relationship to those things like we are all growing and evolving or life. So yeah, I think that's why I definitely don't want people to I feel like I can bring a really good perspective. To those classes because I I there's no body. Shame. There's no it's very much. Like hey, look what I can do and if you want to challenge yourself, this is what you can do. And if you don't if you want to be a cozy soft human right now and lay on your back you could do that do actually had a class for a group of women and one of the women came and she was like look at this is my lunch break and I want to just lay down. Oh, I love you. I just don't I don't want to land a down in my car. So I just am going to be here. I'm going to be in the back. It was like I talk really love her like I'm still like her. She's like you have some good music. It was a difference is like mama needs a nap. I'm just going to be taking a nap back here. Have a good time. It's like I'm just glad you're here. I know I say it and almost like every single class. I'm like you can you can work your ass off today, or you can lay in the fetal position, whatever you need to do do it. I don't care really just do whatever feels good. Yeah. Well, I will link your schedule and Langston everything all of your resources you're so amazing. Thank you. So much and yeah, just thank you for sharing this amazing story. Thank you. Bye. As always thank you guys so much for listening and thank you are and for that amazing conversation, just so grateful to be getting to know you more and yet just thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. And also please if you have not yet. Don't forget to rate and review the show. This is what helps mudlark get into more hands and our hearts, and I just appreciate it. So stinkin much. I love you all. Have a great day. Bye. Hi.
⎜⎜⎜POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING — The topics discussed in today's episode could potentially be triggering. We discuss disordered eating and although Lauren was so tender and lovely in sharing the information, it was important to both of us to place this warning at the top of the show. A perfect opportunity and practice of self-advocating and knowing what you can and cannot see today⎜⎜⎜ Today Dani interviews Lauren Bielenberg; a yoga teacher who’s passion lies within helping people reconnect to their bodies with compassion and tenderness. Lauren shares about her experience in healing with Orthorexia and is now opening up about her recovery process in hopes that she can make others feel less alone in the darkness of disordered eating. She wants to bring awareness and light to this very common mental illness and wants to empower and inspire individuals struggling to see while it may not be easy, there is so much hope. She talks candidly about how she began her excessive exercise routine and how her body let her know she needed to slow down. We talked about her transition from personal training to becoming a yoga teacher and we also talked about how she weaves in so much softness and love into her yoga teaching. This episode is perfect for anyone looking to find better body acceptance or to find compassion for loved ones who may be struggling with disordered eating habits. Enjoy the show! 