episode 50 interview with Alison Armstrong Welcome to the first year married podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. I'm marriage Coach K 11, and I take newly married and engaged women from anxious insecure too confident and connected through practical tips real-life inspiration and more than a little self-awareness along the way. Hello ladies We Have Made It episode 50 that is so exciting. And I'm so grateful to all of you for your support and your kind words and reaching out to me over these last several months as we've gotten started with the first year married podcast to celebrate this episode. We have a really truly special guest when Noah and I sat down to discuss who would be our absolute dream podcast guest Alison Armstrong. To the list now, of course, I never imagined I would actually be able to get her on the podcast and suffice it to say that the day that we were recording this. I was so nervous that it probably took me like a full week to recover her work has been transformative for hundreds of men and women myself obviously included and she takes the most confusing and frustrating differences between men and women and makes them crystal clear with so much humor and compassion and so much charm For this episode I got on the call with the intention of bringing her work into the realm of the newly married those couples who are just getting to know each other in this way. Maybe they're also building families or careers while they're at it and all those complications that come up during that phase Alison was obviously wonderfully generous with her knowledge during this interview. This episode is divided into two parts for several reasons. Mainly I wanted to give you all the best opportunity to listen to digest to try some of these ideas before we dive. To the second half, so if you aren't subscribed yet do make sure to do that right away so that you'll get the second part next Sunday when it is released. I know you were going to enjoy this interview so much. Hopefully I wasn't too nervous you can you can appreciate it, and I can't wait to hear from all of you. What what spoke to you what stood out to you can always email me Kayla at first you're married.com. I love to hear from you and enjoy the interview. Welcome Allison Armstrong to the first year of married podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, I'm so happy to be here. So for anyone who's been listening to this podcast for a little while. They've definitely heard me speak about you Allison and all of your amazing work. I actually consider you to be one of my main teachers, although we've never spoken in person until today and I have to say I stumbled across your work very early in my marriage and I consider myself to be one of the lucky few. Who found this material so early on I'm so grateful to you for all the work. You've done to get it out there and to share it with the world. You're welcome. I really welcome. I I abhor unnecessary suffering and I say unnecessary and purpose for some people some suffering is necessary. This is the only way they get their license. But yeah any unnecessary suffering I can prevent. I want to I'm all over that amazing. Yes, I always say there's so much headache and heartache and they're just doesn't have to be yeah good way to put it. So what I was hoping to do with you today is to bring up some of the struggles that I hear a lot from the women that I work with. Some of them are newlywed some have been married longer and I have a guess of where you might go with it, but I am curious and excited to hear where we land. Yeah, we didn't rehearse no no, okay. Okay. So first of all, I feel like just to put context on all of your Work. Could you share what frog farming is please? Oh, well, according to the menu accused my girlfriend of it frog farming is when instead of turning frogs into princes you turn princes into frogs and that was where my work began as you know, 1991 was my girlfriend being called a frog farmer and I realized I was and that that's what we do. I mean at first I thought it was personal something I did and then I thought it was something cultural and then I found out its worldwide and and it's us in conscious. We literally have opposing instincts and when were behaving instinctively we antagonize men's instincts. And so we bring our worst brings out their worst and I mean reliably exactly we're going to be diving in All of that, but I feel like it takes a certain amount of vulnerability or self-knowledge to even be able to take something like that and not hear it as an accusation but to hear it as an opportunity, which it sounds like is what you did. Yeah, I was actually really relieved because it meant if I was a frog farmer then it meant I had something to do with him and treated me which meant I could change that I could change me. I've been trying to shake my head for a long time unsuccessfully and they did I could change my behavior Inspire something and are different in them was really exciting. And then when I think part of what I contribute to people is there's nothing wrong with you. The struggles you're having the pain you have the Suffering The frustration the inability to get what you need and connect to the opposite sex or your man or woman. It's not personal. You're not broken. You've just had the Good Fortune of being born human. It comes with the package and let's lighten up about it and and just become aware of it and even have a sense of humor about it because it's not going to do McLain who co-founded packed with me today we Were talking about manipulation and control and obligation and how much human beings are always trying to get another person on the hook like get the other person to be obligated to them and she's just like, oh, this is awful and I'm laughing. I think it's so funny. I think it's so funny that we do it, right but it helps if you can try to get it like I am not broken. I'm not defective. It's not because I'm Leo Libra, you know born in the year of the rat or anything. It's it's because of being human and I feel like one thing that really distinguishes your work from other other work that I've gone into and researched is and tell me if this if this resonates with you you do see how we impact each other and how we get as you say bring out the worst or the best but at the same time it's so not manipulative. It's not I want my husband to feel this way about me. I want my husband to act this way towards me. I feel like and I don't know if I got this more from your words or from the way you give over your material that what I had in my marriage as a diamond and I just needed to get out of the way not that I needed to train him into being something other than what he was which is kind of the flavor of some other, you know places that I went and don't like yeah, you said it beautifully And I I discovered it. I don't know accidentally. I feel so blessed. I I thought I said I'd study men for two or three months and find out what I was doing that was bringing out the worst in them and I hoped in the process that I might I might find one thing that would bring out the best in them. Then as I was discovering what I was doing and the only woman whose life I envied called my attention to the ways that I was diminishing men that I was attacking him a diminishing them. And I asked me to stop and I did. Which took a whole lot of awareness to see that, you know, it's holding a grenade and I was about to pull the pin and maybe I could just set it down. What stunned me was that I just stopped attacking them. I just stopped debilitating them. I just stopped, you know, pulling our legs out from underneath them and all the ways that I know how to do it and they became amazing. My didn't I didn't do anything. Nice. I didn't do anything good. I just stopped stabbing them and tripping them and coming at them and they I couldn't believe who they were like what you said diamonds it the diamonds already there. Whoo, men are naturally when they're not defending themselves from us blows my mind. Yeah, so, okay, so I'm going to dive into one scenario. I hear a lot. All right. Okay. Yeah, so we have a newly married couple and the husband is very immersed in his work and this can even go to another level if there's a baby in the picture. So now it feels like we have this whole conflict of values and Priorities what is a woman? Yeah, right. He doesn't get it. That's what she said to me. He doesn't get it. He's working too much. I asked all my girlfriends and they agree. He's real addiction and he should come home earlier. Yeah, so why is so focused on the work what what it seems like such a conflict that's her versus the work rate. It seems like it and we certainly take it personally or a couple things going on. So first of all, statistically the year that a man's first child is born. He will make more money than he has ever made in his life Wow. Yeah, child born provider kicks into high gear high gear. Like we're talking college education babies do month old and we're working on the college education. So it's it's natural. It's normal. It's healthy. It's a response to being a dad. Yeah, another thing that happens to Dad's miraculously is that their hormone suppress their sex drive in those first couple months after the baby's born which happens to tie right up with the rest of her body needs. And yeah. Yeah. It's a long time ago. I thought this I stop thinking this is an accident. if this is too much perfection in it, yeah, and another thing that will happen is that in her body in a woman's body her hormones are firing in such a way both birth and then nursing and the crying and the holding and the face gazing her Omens are working situate as to have her be certain just absolutely certain that this child is is the center of the universe that this child is the priority that this child is who she should everybody should be paying attention the most and as the mother I got I used to do this actually Gregor come home and there's you know his to sparkling daughter's first just one then the other and they're like their estrogen bombs. Okay, baby girls are estrogen binds. It is much estrogen in their little bodies as a grown woman for the first Gears and oh, yes, they're captivating they're built to be captivating. And so of course he walked in the house in his eyes would immediately go to the baby and I'd be like Mom first kiss come on of the mother on of the mother. I would laugh about it enough, but I but I noticed that if he didn't I would get hurt I would feel like I'm in here drinking your kid all day and you don't care about me. Just intervene Mom first bumpers. Yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. So it's this thing it helps as a woman is him working all day is for you. You have to take it personally that he's doing that whenever we think that dads are working for themselves. We're going to miss it. We're get because in his head and his head what he is is a provider and his first priority is protecting his family from any threats and providing for them the best he can and he's going to want to provide for them better than his dad did and and it's is when we take offense at it that you're working instead of me, they're crushed by that they they yeah, they feel so unseen and disrespected and that their gift isn't received and It's brutal for them. It's brutal. And if you read keys to the kingdom Kayla, yes, okay good cause because that's the one that I'd really recommend for your audience because you get to be in the in the conversation right and in that the head of a man in the tunnel and you know with Bert finding out in the process, you know, Claudia's husband why? he did what he did when he was a prince and why would she did worked right and and Claudia that the teacher in the story right is explaining how a woman's job is is really to put forth in front of her husband what she and the children the family really neat because he's going to be operating from decisions that he made instinctively that he made from his history and it doesn't occur to him the since the stupid but it doesn't occur to him to check them out with her. It's so clear to him what they need that he it doesn't occur to him to say. Okay, honey. I'm thinking that this is what I have to contribute to the family. It doesn't occur to him to say that in both men and women do this. We decide what people need we make a plan. We execute the plan and were shocked that people didn't want it. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yes poetry but this last week, but so so as the mom As a wife even Greg did this because I was the one who is working like crazy. So he was the one who would come to me and say honey. Your girls need to be with you. They I can't I can't fill in for this this they need you and I I was so grateful right because we made a conscious decision that I was going to carry on our business and he was going to make our children his first priority so he could have controlled his career and he became a consultant so he could Could you know take different jobs? And yeah, we flipped it. We we flipped it 7-piece about eight. Yeah, but seven years in to our company, we flipped it. And and so that's what changed now is his role to tell me what they needed for me where before I was the one that would be letting them know, you know, they don't need you to be doing he was so intuitive. I didn't have to do it very often but honey, they don't need more dresses. They need more time playing games with you. This is attention. As you know, do you know they children Thrive from the right kind of attention from their parents? It seems like okay. So in case the kingdom you talk about the stages of development, right? That's the that's the book and yep. So maybe you can give a brief overview. But the question I kind of want to get to is I feel like we all need to figure out how to be Queens to survive them being princes. Ha ha ha. We basically need to learn how to be all of it right to choose our feminine expression. Consciously in both for us and for them. So the temptress energy right that playful physical sensual Sexual Energy. That's really good for us right to get into our bodies to celebrate our own Beauty to move our bodies and and be embodied great instead of dragging around criticizing it that it does wonders for our self confidence in our self expression and it It gives them literally gives them life force gives them energy to do what they need to do. And and the when we're playful it causes them to be affectionate. It's they can't not be affectionate when we're playful and women try to get men to be more affectionate by asking for it and it is very Carefree ask for it has to be very seriously, right? Yeah, which doesn't Inspire it and I don't like faking and they're not good at faking and so so us having that energy which she talks about in Keys the kingdom and then and then the mother that aspect that emotional the way I like to think of it is overflowing if you think of the mother as a mother River and and that when we are filled up by Our Lives by our friends our Hobbies hour, Whatever nurtures us with its time alone or time in nature or me and my horse and my dog whatever fills us up then allows us to overflow nurturing others instead of being depleted by nurturing others. And that's something I've learned a lot about that. We talked about in understanding women the online course, you know, because there's such a cycle of filling ourselves up and then spending it that it is oxytocin. But as you bring up the queen, I asked my talk about the temperatures in the mothers because the tendency is to think I just need to clean and we want to you know be the queen because she's you know, she's inspiring and influential and she's always extraordinary. Yeah, but the the queen without the temperatures no affection. No affection. No physicality the temptress about the mother Off With Their Heads. Yeah, yeah and the temperatures about the queen No Boundaries a mother without the cream No Boundaries every picture. So I mean and the beautiful thing about women is we can be all of that and we can switch from one to another in a moment and but the queen as you know is the queen is consciously choosing to be your own values. The thing that the things that you say you stand for the most date the qualities of life that you would most want to be and to have everyone you love to have to consciously choose them in a body them and set up your life so that it keeps feeding you that Essence instead of depleting it which is what's normal. I just I imagine that like hearing this this picture my youngest is just turned two and we have four so my oldest is about to turn nine. So a year ago or a year and a half ago when I still had like a, you know, a little baby and everything crazy even hearing about like a life of values where you're taking care of yourself would just feel almost like painful I so far away, so unattainable. Especially if he's off working so hard to provide for the family. So do you have advice for these ladies, you know that are scaring the third shirt that got spit up on today and you know, they're yeah. I can tap right into what you're talking about and Okay, so this would fly in the face of how my mother raised me and had what it was like for her to be a mother in a period of time where neighbors dropping by for a cup of sugar Miss normal and that your house had to be spotless when they drop by for a cup of sugar because you were going to be judged harshly for how you had your house. And so our house is always Called it guest ready and to this day. I can't not straighten hand towels in every bathroom and then cleaned other people's bathrooms. And but I remember it wasn't until Olivia our third one. I remember there she was in her little carrier and and she was she was quiet. She's fine, and I thought I might take A shower take a shower, right? And so I took her into the bathroom with me and and I'm in the shower and I got sober my hair and she starts to cry right and she starts to cry and the impulse was just like get out of the shower and handle it. Right and I done that plenty of times with her sister and her and her older brother and then I stood there and I looked at her I thought What harm will come to her if I take one more minute difference my she might cry the whole time. But is she going to send me back and happen because she's crying for a minute while I get to feel so better. We're here to finish my shower. I don't think so. And that was like this this little party never the curtains. You know that wait a second. Wait a second. How about when they sleep Sleep I sleep instead of oh, she's down for a nap. What can I get done? Oh, she's down for a nap. I should be too it has this and that kind of every we have to fight our own instincts, right? Because everything that's uglier dirty or out of place is nagging us to do it. And I mean I have I have nursed while stirring something over the stove how stupid is that right the call to melt T task great holding child to breast while stirring I mean Hello, wake up, right so doing one thing at a time to so unnatural Greg loved Sundays because Saturdays he would go get his well-being motorcycle. Right? Right that was part of the deal. He would he would go do that and then Saturday afternoons. I got to be off duty. He didn't Help me with my job. The kids were not my job on Saturday afternoon. I was on vacation from at first. I just left and then I hid and then I realized I could actually stay home and enjoy them and they come to me. Mommy. I'm hungry like well as dad your his job today. I was amazing, but then when it happened on Sunday, so Saturday, he got filled up and then I got filled up and then Sunday. The baby's it's I think I nursed for like 6 years altogether when they would fall asleep nursing. I would just hold them. I told them the whole time. They slept I told him for like two or three hours where they while they have their nap and that to Greg was that was rich that was being rich that there is his wife holding a child. Just sitting on the couch. He come sit next to me and you could talk to me and we'd watch old musicals and stuff and just hold them and hold them and hold them and Taking time for stuff like that. Like just let go of the laundry let go of the whatever it is. You got to let go of yeah, and also as you know play to each other's strengths. Structure was not my strength ever. I think probably because I grew up falling asleep at other peoples houses. My parents are really young and we went to a lot of parties and I just fall asleep like in a closet somewhere I didn't yes. So this whole like go to bed routine bedtime. It made no sense to me to say I knew the children of all sleep somewhere and I carry it. and and that time of night wasn't I didn't want to generate anything and but he he always we call it keep the wheels on the bus goes kept the wheels on the bus and so he would generate heat generated bedtime and the rituals of the brushing of the teeth and the singing of the moon song outside if you could be outside with the moon and any, you know, figured out things like Claire you could always get Claire to do something just By racing her and I get my teeth brushing for you. Ken ready? Yeah, and so so plain to each other's sort of Chrono types. You could call it. Like when are you awake and alert and functional and when are you not and he really got it that how much sleep mattered to me that I was a different person if I had sleep and he didn't need so much. So he was he get up in the middle of the night and bring the babies to me to nurse and take them back to bed. I don't even have to get up and cuz he just knew because they taught him eight-year asleep as a different human being than without enough sleep. Right and I think a lot of the tears just hearing just hearing that pointed out to them for a woman who does really need that sleep. They see it right away. And then it's it's like an easy fix like I can fix this I can give you a nap right? Like they can do something here to improve this. Situation and I feel like for a lot of us. We just we say no to the request before we even out verbalize it. Right. No on our behalf. Yes. Yes, so brilliant. We call it giving them no chances. Hey, we don't even get them one chance that alone. You know, we recommend three we get we decide that we decide they're going to be a no and then they even have a chance to say no for themselves exactly exactly in and we don't or this is anything we do. I it took me so long to learn this. if as a woman we can just State the result same as a man if we can just State what like if you need something your job is to be clear about what it is what it is what it would look like what a provide for you and then stop stop because what everybody wants to do then is now solve the how so this is what I need in this is how you can do it and if we can't figure out how they can do it will never tell them what we need them to do. And everybody knows being told how to do something is really insulting because it almost never fits like you tell me what you need Kayla. I'll figure out how to do it in a way that fits my entire life, right? There's no way you're going to know my entire life. Right? Right. So you say the what and then I figure out the how same thing and just honey. I I need two more hours of sleep every day. I need to our Mars of sleep. I can't even Think straight I'm becoming dangerous let alone let alone attentive and affectionate appreciative of you and all the work you're doing. Can you can you help me out here and then put them Ajit active of your mouth and if he says let me think about it. Let him think about it, right? Okay. When should I check back with you in three days? Okay. Thanks for think it was positive because he also he'll be sorry. That problem and he'll be solving it with what he knows. He can give and what resources could be spent and what where he sees he has space and let him the odds are to be brilliant. Mmm Yeah, I mean, I think that just that changes everything taking out the how we've been able to make so many changes in the way that our house the you know at one point where I have a whole episode on on scheduling and we sat down and said like it's just such a shame. We just can't do what we want in our life and then he was like, well, let's just write down what we want and let's look at everything. Named Noah, Noah, that's perfect. Yeah, let's try it out and forget it. They are compulsive problem solvers. It's a and we try to solve problems for them and they hate it. This is much as we hate them sobbing progress. They hit us some crunch to them. But every saw their own problems, just give them good problems. What does that mean good problems. Well a normal problem for men given by women as how to get out of a conversation alive. Okay. Ladies. This is where we had to cut the interview. I promised Alison is going to go more into what she means by that comment. I wanted to get every single minute that I could with Allison. I didn't do the cutting during the course of the interview. I just didn't want to waste even two minutes doing So we're stopping the interview here. I want you to take this information try and digest it really think about how you can try and apply it for next week. We're going to dive much more into problems and problem solvers and the second half of the interview. So if you haven't subscribed yet, make sure you're subscribed to the first year married podcast that way when it comes out next week you are for sure going to get the episode in your feet. All right. I can't wait to hear from you, please definitely reach out. Let me know what you're taking from this episode what you're Trying and all your wins. I love to hear how this is really really helping you and have an amazing week, bye-bye.
This week's episode is truly special. When Noah and I sat down to discuss who would be our absolute dream podcast guests, Alison Armstrong topped the list. Her work has been transformative for hundreds of men and women, as she takes the most confusing and frustrating differences between us and makes them crystal clear with humor, compassion, and her characteristic charm. For this episode, I got on the call with the intention of bringing her work into the realm of the newly married... those couples who are just getting to know each other, maybe building families and careers while they're at it. Alison was so wonderfully generous with her knowledge. The episode is divided into two parts, for several reasons. Mainly, I wanted to give you all the best opportunity to digest and try some of these ideas. So if you aren't subscribed yet, make sure to do that right away and you'll get the second part next Sunday when it is released. Alison Armstrong is the co-founder of PAX programs, author of The Queen’s Code book, Understand Men Online Course, and many more programs and workshops. You can find out much more at Alison’s Website: www.understandmen.com and learn about her upcoming LIVE event called LUX here: https://www.understandmen.com/worldevent/lux/ This is what we discussed in this week’s episode:   What exactly is Frog Farming? How we just need to get out of the way. What causes men to misbehave? What should we do if our husbands are working too much? The surprising statistic about men in the first year of fatherhood. Why our plans for others never work. How to survive our husband’s early career intensity. How playfulness and affection feed our relationships. How young mothers can incorporate self-care. Why we aren’t getting what we need, and what to do about it. Let me know what you took from this episode! I can’t wait to hear your wins and celebrate with you! 