Hi, welcome to mind gold episode 12 and happy someday. It's half past six in the morning. And that's how you can tell that I still have a key we accept so I'm a little bit nervous about this episode. So as you know for the last few episodes I've either been with James or I've had a guest so, you know, there's been someone to banter with And I was supposed to have a guest on yesterday. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it. He will be on the podcast of the next few weeks those so don't worry. However, so I was just going to leave it but then I got a message from a guy called Jason and Jason said no pressure, but I really need a new episode by Tuesday and I thought well, you know what Jason I'm going to do my first. So episode just for you mate. So yeah, literally you're probably the only person listening to this but I appreciate so much your support. And yeah, if I'm just going to do a massive solo overshare on here just for you then so be it. So what I thought I would talk about today is I guess my story and specifically focus on adversity. That I've faced I'll be at very first world because a lot of us are just normal people. Just trying to be a bit better at normal things. Right? Like we don't all have these epic stories of hardship and struggle and overcoming these odds like David Goggins or people like that and I love these stories because they're super inspirational but to a certain extent like how relevant Are they to normal people like your eye and I think that actually being able to find the positive in you know, minor adversity. That's how we grow. So I'm basically going to tell my story of how I got to where I am today and I guess the positives that I've found out of negatives along the way now, it's taken me quite a long time to get to the point that I know. Now automatically look for those positives and I really have been trying the last couple of years to really focus on developing my self awareness and hopefully recognize when I'm being a dick trying to correct my havior behavior. Sorry, so I'm less of a dick and it would be great if everybody else could do that too because Lord knows we need less dicks in the world. So yeah, this is basically just going to be about me. So if that does not interest you perhaps stop listening. If you do want something else to listen to I would recommend all the other podcasts which are about other things. And also there's a great podcast called the weightlifting life, which is very funny. So that he go. So yeah, I have lived in Melbourne for almost eight years. I'm from Auckland New Zealand. I was born in B6 which makes me 33 years old apparently the age Jesus got to which might be a relevant to most of you but I was brought up very very religious. My parents were super duper Christian. And yeah, I guess like in retrospect there did have a lot of influence over my upbringing people look at me now and I mean if you don't know what I look like you easily can because Instagram However, if you don't I'm like covered in teto's a lot of them are fairly satanic, but so I don't look like the sort of person who was very very religious until I was in my mid-twenties that I was and I think that's more effect of being raised to believe in a certain thing and not having any reason to question it. I guess the same way that kids believe in Santa which I was never taught to believe in obviously because Razors, and yeah, so most of my early life, I was fairly I guess I was really repressed. I suppose I wasn't really allowed to do a lot of things that like what I perceived the normal kids to be doing weren't allowed to watch TV, all that kind of thing and were brought up to believe, you know gay people went to hell if you don't believe in God you go to hell sex was very Rita boo something that wasn't discussed. And yeah, I guess I lived in a constant fear that I would inadvertently do something wrong and go to hell and yeah, I guess that that overshadowed a lot of my childhood and has I guess affected me as an adult today. Yeah, and in saying that like I'm not criticizing my parents at all for that they did the best. They could and they genuinely believe that that was the best way to raise a child and I don't I don't fault them or criticize them for that Lord knows if I ever had a kid, I'd probably fuck them up royally. So, you know what they did a good job. I'm fine now. Yeah, so that was my childhood and I guess in a stereotypical manner. I went to the fuck off the rails having had that Restricted childhood somewhat and that was I guess my first level of adversity they that I encountered and even though like this was a situation that I completely got myself into started basically went out of my way to find the wrong crowd to get to hang out with it was by no means an accident. Nobody forced me into this lifestyle. But when I was in my late teens I yeah. Started being a right piece of shit basically and it's pretty gross the kind of things that I got up to. Basically I started smoking ice and obviously that was kind of a progression of like starting to drink as a teenager starting to smoke smoke pot. You know, the whole gateway drugs sort of situation. It's fairly true. I guess ended up meeting a guy at a party who introduced me to this drug and I've always been like an All or Nothing sort of person and pretty much like a prime addiction material. Like if I like something I will want to do it all the fucking time. So that's basically what happened and if you don't know much about ice, that's a good thing because it's fucked but it's a really really fuckin shitty drug and it really fucks you up in the head really badly. So I started smoking ice. And I was pretty much addicted to it within like I guess a couple of weeks it was honestly crazy and then I pretty much my whole life just revolved around it. Like I met more people who were into it kind of got involved in this whole little gross West Auckland scene and got myself a real doozy of a boyfriend who in at the time. I thought it was like a super badass. Yes, he was quite a lot older than me. I would have been about 18 at the time and he was I don't know late twenties early thirties, I think. I thought it was super badass. He used to say he had been to jail, which I don't actually think was true to be honest, but he talked a fair amount of shit. He actually didn't have a home. All he did was kind of blood Jeff me and steal things. So yeah, I kind of got involved in this crowd who did stuff like that like a bird down houses for insurance and steal cars and all this kind of thing, which I wasn't really actively involved in myself, but I had this Weird looses fuck moral compass and I just didn't really see it as something bad. It was odd, especially because I was raised, you know with the Ten Commandments and all these really really strict rolls. It was just like I decided that I just did not give a fuck about anything anymore. It was bizarre. So I hung around with these these people for some time. I got like deeper and deeper into this whole kind of scene. And yeah, I just think things things started going real downhill. So I did actually have a job at the time. I worked for a family portraiture Studio hilariously and my job was literally the fact most mundane thing in the fucking world. So I would have to locate like a single negative on a roll of film cut it out and stick it to a little cardboard frame for families who wanted reprints of their family portrait. Portraitures portraits portraitures. Yeah, this is what happens when I talk about myself. So that was my job and I was just fairly obsessed with just smoking as much ice as I could and things got pretty bad. My boyfriend was fairly abusive, and I don't know I guess like I had no real comparison in terms of relationships and what was normal and what wasn't my first sexual And ship was when I was 15 with someone who was over 20 years older than me, which weirdly only just remembered the other day and I thought well that sucked. Anyway, I had just zero idea of what was okay. What was it? Okay, so I guess I put up with a fair amount of like mistreatment from this dude, but to be fair I put myself in that situation anyway. And I had a loving family. I had friends who gave a fuck about me and I could easily have yeah just left that whole situation if I had wanted to but I guess I've always found that I tend to flog dead horses quite extensively and this was probably the first of many dead horses. I've encountered in my life and that's not just referring to relationships that situations. It's jobs. It's basically anything that Get super fucking obsessed with I'm just like literally or nothing. Yes, I got into a pretty like- headspace with this this whole scene this whole relationship and there was namely I mean just due to how much the the drugged actually changes your brain chemistry. You just start thinking some really dark really violent things and that's certainly not what I'm normally like, so it was quite scary how much it actually changes you a kind of horrible example of that is I remember having like an You know if this girl that I was friends with at the time and I was so furious at some like slight that I felt was her fault that I carried a brick around in my car just in case I saw her like what the fuck and it just makes me feel sick to acknowledge that my mind could have been so Twisted by the substance. It's just really crazy. So I guess yeah a lot of my My negative head space that I was in was due to that and also obviously my circumstances being like less than ideal. So I ended up doing a bit of a tension seeking suicide attempt which ended me in hospital and I guess this was a bit of like a wake-up call that like I wasn't okay. And yeah, I managed to like pull myself out of this whole situation remarkably. I remember the day that it happened. I went around to my boyfriend's I'll because we were still together after all this by the way Deadhorse right went around to my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends place and she kind of pulled me aside and was like, you need to get the fuck away from this guy like he's a lunatic. He's an actual lunatic told me how much he used to like physically abused her and just told me some Crazy shit that had done and yeah, I don't know. It was like a switch in my brain was just like yeah. Nah and I pretty much just drove away. I left him in the middle of fucking Riverhead, which is like an hour drive from the city just dumped all this shit out on the driveway of his ex-girlfriend's house and was just like Janna by And that's the last time I saw him. Yeah, and obviously the come down from that whole situation was horrific, and I somehow managed to do it and I never went back to those people to that lifestyle that was weird. It was just like I was done. It just took me a really long time to realize that I was done and I ended up To distract myself registering for a Bachelor of Fine Art obviously and that took me the next four years and I guess over that time. I kind of work through some of this crap that was going on in my head through some really fucked-up artwork A lot of it was based on religion and death and drugs and sex and it was all just really weird and I'm so glad that That it's all been thrown away now because it was really awful. Yeah, so that was how that kind of little adversity ended and I guess the positive that I can gain from that I've only really realized today and it's I guess if you can get through something like that, then there's so much more that you can overcome, right? And yeah, I mean, I guess it's made me appreciate relationships which aren't like that which really you should be able. To do it without experiencing that let's be honest. But hey, some people have to learn the hard way. So I completed my Bachelor of Fine Art, which you know now I've got a massive student loan still in New Zealand and I literally do not use this qualification at all, besides decorating things for people's engagements and birthday parties. So yeah forty thousand dollars. Well spent however Ever it was a good distraction and it got me away from I guess that initial crisis life crisis that I was in I soon realized however that being an artist doesn't really make you much money. So I started working at a tattoo shop as the receptionist and that's why I look like what I look like basically teto's was like another I guess thing that I just went really hard on for some time and now I just couldn't really give a fuck and I just happened to now look like this forever. And that's really the only meaning behind that. Fuck. I hate when people ask what my toes me they just literally mean that I felt like getting a tattoo and I got a tow that's all literally all feel free to read a deeper meaning into it if you want to but I just really am not interested in that anyway, so that's worked at a tattoo shop and I kind of felt like I needed that next challenge and I guess I've always Has been of that mindset that I always need a goal at always need something to strive for and especially if it's something that I'm shit at that is like a my biggest trigger if I'm shit at something I have to be I've to overcome that. I have to try and be the opposite of shit at that thing, which I guess is now why I'm a weightlifter not saying that I'm good at it now, but I was fucking abysmal before anyway, so had a housemate at the time. And we would always take turns to cook for each other and he would always tell me how terrible my contributions were which is valid because once I actually am melted a plastic spatula into scrambled eggs and did not realize so I was fucking awful at cooking. Anyway just really rolled me out for they would constantly give me grief and tell me how shit I was so I decided obviously I would become a sheriff just to spite him and I did I went to Chef if school I qualified as a chef and I started working as a basically as the kitchen bitch and kind of worked my way up from there to sous-chef sole charge of a restaurant in Auckland hated it it fucking sucked and I think that what I learned from this experience is like sucking at something and trying not to suck it as one thing, but if you don't have that fucking passion and that fire every day That you like I fucking love this thing. I want to be good at it more than anything else ever. If you don't have that you literally just trying to be good at something that you don't care about and I guess that's what I discovered with being a chef like a done it. I proved my mate wrong at Great expense to myself and like literally five years of my life wasted on spite but the good thing about this was that it gave me a trade that I could then move. From Auckland to Melbourne, because the hospitality lifestyle lends itself to a similar lifestyle that I was in before I ended up going to art school and I embraced the fuck out of this also. So every weekend and often during the week a lot I would just like drink and smoke and take drugs and I had a fucking great time. Like I'm not gonna lie. I had a really good group of friends and we all had Testing times to get the doing all these things. So it was really nowhere near the light or forehead fuck situation of the The Ice era, but obviously it wasn't particularly healthy and I felt like I wasn't really going anywhere. Yeah, so I decided to move to Melbourne and I had never been here before. I'd been to a I've been to Sydney once when I was like a teenager never been to Melbourne, but a friend actually the same friend who I went to Chef school to spice he had said you would really fit in and fuck knows what that means. I don't know if I do fit in here, but it was enough of a incentive. I just needed to get the fuck away. And go do something else and I guess again my parents really doubted that I would actually leave that I would actually make the decision. So again, it was another spiteful like I'll fucking show you I'm moving to Australia. So I did I showed them and I'm still here almost 8 years later. So I moved over here luckily through the job that I was in an Auckland landed me chef de partie job here. So I moved straight over with my like thousand dollars, which at the time was like a substantial amount of money for me and I started working at this restaurant. Now this the the chef that I worked for was a just a fucking hard ass, and I hated it. I hated every second of it and again, like I said because I didn't have that intrinsic sort of drive and passion. I just felt like every every critique every Light against my skill was like a personal insult almost like I didn't take the feedback as like, this is good. This is going to make me better. I took hers. Well, fuck you do it yourself then and I think that's such an important lesson to learn. Like if you can't take feedback. You really not going to get much better. So I guess I kind of got to the point that I just stopped giving a fuck at all. I hated my job. I hated the hours. I hated food. I hated the people. People who came in the people that I work with. I just fucking hated it. So yeah, I ended up kind of doing the gradual. I was working at like I had restaurant a fine dining and that gradually went to fuck this. I'm just going to work at a cafe which not begging anyone who works at a cafe, but I guess for where I saw myself ending up in the industry. It was kind of a far stretch from So I worked at the cafe pretty much hated that as well. And at the time I was in a relationship with a guy who was fantastic and very supportive and I guess because I was so used to having these really dysfunctional relationships like the previous mentioned ones. It was yeah. It was a nice change. To be with someone who actually gave a fuck about me and someone who actually really wanted me to succeed and he actually helped to pay the rent We Live Together by the way help to pay the rent whilst I pursued my newfound interest which was Fitness hilariously. So basically during the time that I moved to Australia, I did like a full 180. I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking because I smoke cigarettes for like 10 years fuck. I'm smoking by the way. God is good kind of thought it now though many Secrets like 30 bucks a packet ridiculous. Anyway, so stop smoking. Stop drinking stop taking drugs tried to eat healthier and started going to the gym now hilariously. I had a personal trainer and she was basically like the the opposite of what I wanted to be as a trainer and as awful as she was and I don't even care if she's listening. To this because mate you are fucking terrible like the sort of stuff that she would tell me. It's just completely at odds with anything that I would tell any of my clients now, so I remember one of our sessions she actually grabbed my stomach and told me that if I wanted to get rid of all of this I should stop eating bread, and I can't imagine ever doing that to anyone. I just it was fucked and she would tell me that. She ate was broccoli with lemon juice. She just made me feel like this incredible sense of guilt and shame around what I was eating. And yeah, she's bloody awful, but she actually was kind of an inspiration to me to be like, you know, what I don't want to be someone like that. I don't want to be like putting out this fucking really unrealistic message to people like that. I'm perfect and that everyone needs to restrict the Fuck out of everything they do and make their life Bloody miserable. Right? So in a way, I guess like she was like training with her. It was a good thing because it made me realize what I didn't want to be like and I really hope that I'm not like that today. I started training with her and I was like I could I can I can do this better. So yeah, I got obsessed with becoming a personal trainer. And as I said my partner at the time very supportive because I had to study Go to fitness school and do my cert three and four for six months while still working as a chef. But then the the more challenging part was the transition from being full-time Chef to full-time Fitness and he very kindly and very grateful to him for this paid the rent whilst I made this transition over like a couple of months to getting a job at a German kind of building up my clients and building up my hours. We're no longer in contact, but I'll always be grateful to him for that because that's probably the nicest thing anyone in a relationship is ever done for me. So that was incredible. Yeah, unfortunately that relationship didn't work out. However, we did get married. I am still married to him because divorce just seems like ordeal especially when you got married in another country and I just don't even know how to go about that sort of thing. Out anyway, it's fine. So the relationship didn't work out. However, the positive that came from that was that I guess I was very I felt ended up feeling very unvalidated and unhappy in this relationship and I just became obsessed with training and I actually ended up getting hit by a car along with my little fitness journey and through that I discovered CrossFit. So what happened was I was riding my bike. I got hit by a car ended up going to a hospital. I fucked up my knee and because I was just so hell-bent on continuing training and I think I would have been probably squatting maybe 50 kilos back then and I don't think I could even do like a full pull up. So I wasn't particularly good but I was like obsessed with it. Right and I kept training despite the fact that I injured myself and and this Stupidity lid to me fucking my knee up quite badly and I thought you know, what's going to help this CrossFit. So I went to the local CrossFit gym. I talked to the owner and I was like, hey, my name is fact. Can I start in here? And he was like, you know, what? No, you're going to go see offers. Yo, so he had a physio practice upstairs from the gym, which I now work at it. Actually that the germ not the Physio and he sent me up there to be assessed by the physio who gave me a whole bunch of basically, my glutes were weak as fuck. My knee had been taking all of the load for all the dumb shit. I was doing since my injury and I just needed to be a whole bunch stronger. So he gave me a whole bunch of rehab exercises and I started training at my first CrossFit gym. And became fucking obsessed with Crossfit like next level. I was such a wanker. Oh my God, it was literally what I lived for and this according to my ex led to a breakdown in our relationship because I was just so fucking obsessed with Crossfit which in retrospect is fair. However, at the time I just felt like nothing was really going right in the relationship so I might as well rather be at the gym. And that's basically just what happened. So I ended up deciding I wanted to become a CrossFit coach doing my level 1 and going to another gym to work because there wasn't really an opportunity at the one that I was originally asked for an internship. Yeah, and then I basically just fell in love with the stick and Jim I was like next-level obsessed and I think it was probably the week that I had split up with my partner. ER That I went in and was like, I want to coach CrossFit. I'll do it for free. I don't give a fuck. I just want to do CrossFit and train CrossFit learned CrossFit and just be like the biggest CrossFit wink when the world and they were like, well sure and yeah, that was pretty much my home for like the next two years. And yeah, I coached I trained I basically just fucking lived there and I guess Retrospect like because my family are all back home and I didn't really have many friends here and obviously having just split with my partner moving out by myself. I guess I kind of needed like a replacement sort of family like a surrogate family and that was what I found and this place was I just felt at home. I felt comfortable I felt supported and yeah, that was the next two years of my life. Yeah, unfortunately, I did the whole Deadhorse thing again with this place and left basically because of that. I think one thing I've learnt from that whole situation is kind of quitting while you're ahead and I've just been like really fucking slow to give up on things in the past. Just keep just keeping thinking. No, it'll change know it'll get better. But you know what? Sometimes you just have to accept that. Something's not going to get better and that you're the only person that can make the change and that change is normally you leaving. So yeah, I was in a bit of a toxic relationship at the time which I'm not really going to go into. However this ended up being the fucking best thing that could have happened. Because the breakdown of this relationship caused me to be like I need to get the fuck out of this place. I need to find somewhere else to train one of my best friend's is very amazing weightlifter current national champion and her weight class actually and she had been very encouraging of me. I guess exploring weightlifting more as an option and then it always been like one of my biggest struggles with Crossfit like I've never been particularly what Been fucking awful at weightlifting just really slow to pick up the technique and it's if you've never done it before like it's a very specific strength like you might be able to score a hundred kilos, but you snatch can still be rubbish. It's very thirsty work doing this on your own. Yeah, so I was very slow on the uptake of the technique not particularly strong. And so she was very encouraging and very supportive and would give me a little like one-on-one sessions with her and suggested that I may want to try just a ring weightlifting and at the time I like couldn't imagine that like so used to running around half naked with my rig out fucking you know, I look at me ridiculous Behavior. And I guess the whole weightlifting World seemed kind of the opposite of that, you know what I mean? So I guess I was a bit terrified of that. But when I had this whole relationship breakdown and that was I guess the trigger for me to find another place to train I was like, you know what I'm going to fucking give it a go. So left the gym and started training at just a weightlifting Club. Yeah where everyone keeps their clothes on everyone's fucking unfit. All everyone wants to do is sit the fuck down and probably eat something. So I was completely opposite of what I was used to. And it took me a really long time to adapt to this different style of training the different like I guess Community is yeah, but I fucking fell in love with it and I think even even more so than with Crossfit because what I really loved about it what I still obviously love about it is the level of discipline the level of commitment and I mean, although it's been like a hard adjustment. Like I feel that falling in love with the process of becoming better rather than focusing on the outcome itself has been like a massive game changer for me mentally and I guess it's led me to think of other things in my life similarly like my job like relationships that it's not about this instant gratification. It's about building something. It's about enjoying the journey. Rather than the end goal. So I guess now I can don't really have an end goal and I have a medium goal. My medium goal is to qualify for Nationals. So to qualify for Nationals, I made a hundred and forty-seven kilo total my best total so far as a hundred and twenty nine kilos, so we're a ways off, but that's okay because there's so much that I love about the sport and just being a part of it and like I don't want it to end. I don't want to get to the point that I'm qualified for Nationals and be like, well, that's me done. Like I want to qualify for Nationals more than once like I love this. It's such a part of my life now and I I think that it's it's become a part of my life in a different way. Like I don't feel that I'm feeling some sort of void by training. I don't feel like weightlifting is the most important thing in my life anymore. I feel that the relationships that I have with people a lot more fulfilling because I can genuinely enjoy the journey and I can genuinely enjoy the process of them and I feel that weight lifting has is learnt it's learned. Me fucking now. It's it's taught me so much about like everything in life. I think like it's incredible and like my job for example, so I do work. I failed to mention that it is a really important part of my life actually so between kind of ditching CrossFit and discovering weightlifting. I got a full-time job in the fitness industry, which has taken me five years to get And so now I'm part of the management team for like a council run gym facility. And I basically am in charge of creating programs that help people get further help people get stronger and I guess build that kind of positive gym Community, which I've learnt has been an absolute fucking life changing experience for me and discovering my community. And so I guess I wanted to bring that to other people. Really? So it's been it's been really cool that like all of these negative things in my life have led to meet kind of discovering what I want to do. However, I don't think that I'm at all at like the end in terms of I've got the job. I want I've got em where I want the most I'm where I want to be in my sport. It's more like I think I'm on the right path. Off that I don't really have a specific goal in terms of where that path is going to take me and I guess it's about being open to the opportunities that may come along because none of the things that have happened to really like fallen into my lap and I don't really believe that that's a thing. I think that if you want something then you have to go the fuck out there and you have to make it happen for yourself and whether that's a job or whether that's a sport or whether that's a relationship. No matter what it is like you sitting there and hoping that it happens. It's really going to do Farkle. So I guess that's what I've learned and I've always been one to make things happen. If I like someone I'll fucking tell them that I like them if I you know, if I apply for a job, I'm the person who is calling them the next day to tell them that I really want to work there. And I guess that's the only way that I have got any of the opportunities. That I have and yeah, I just guess being an annoying count as one of my my best personality traits. Basically couldn't get through the whole episode without saying that word could I know yes, so I guess that's my mind gold are so far. And as I said, I'm 33 years old and I'm fucking excited because I feel like my life is only kind of religious started and I feel like there's going to be so many more amazing things that happen and whether they're a good thing or a bad thing. I don't really believe that it matters because all this shit adds up to the person that you are today, I guess. Yeah, so I don't know. I don't know if that was supposed to be inspiring or just like a massive overshare. But yeah, I mean, I don't think anyone who listens to this podcast actually really knows much about me. So now, you know probably way more than you ever wanted to and yeah, that's my Sunday morning massive fucking overshare for Jason. So yeah, I do have some topics that I'd really like to get into over the next few months of the podcast and I do have some like really cool guests lined up. However, I'm always interested to hear what you guys want to hear about anyone you can suggest me getting in touch with and getting them on here for a chat because I don't know how many of these I can do on my own like I To stop in the middle of there and have a drink of water. Like I think my voice sounds real croaky. So sorry about that. But yeah, so take what you want from that or just now, you know too much about me. So well done. I hope you all continue to listen, and I hope you have a fucking excellent day that is full of mine. Gold. Bye.
Inspired by Jason, this episode is 100% me. Join me for a massive overshare into the less boring bits of my life, what I've learnt from them, and how the seemingly negative things that happen can turn into the best if you just wait them out, just like you'll have to wait til the end to hear me drop the c bomb. 00:00 The inspiration behind doing a solo episode and the opportunity to stop listening if you don't particularly want to know too much about me. 01:30 How most of us are just normal people trying to be slightly better at normal things and the importance of using adversity to become slightly less average. 03:10 The least boring parts of my life; ice, sex, and the constant fear of going to hell. 10:00 The constant need to flog dead horses and the importance of quitting while you're ahead. 13:00 Yeah, nah, bye. The transition from piece of shit to art student piece of shit. 16:00 Why spite is an excellent motivational tool, but a genuine passion is essential. 21:00 From food to fitness; the inspiration behind my next career change. 26:00 CrossFit; how being hit by a car turned me into a full CF wanker, plus finding and then losing a surrogate family. 30:00 Entering the world of weightlifting; why I love keeping my clothes on and sitting the fuck down. Discipline, commitment, and falling in love with the process. 33:00 The goal and why I'm OK with not being there yet. 36:00 Making things fucking happen, and why being an annoying c*** is essential to achieving anything. 