episode 56 the marriage you want welcome to the first year married podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. I'm marriage Coach K 11, and I take newly married and engaged women from anxious insecure too confident and connected through practical tips real-life inspiration and more than a little self-awareness along the way. Welcome back. Ladies. Okay, so I tend to look do my personal, you know family and self resolutions on the Jewish New Year, which is Rosh Hashanah, but for my business, I do look at it. According to the regular New Year. I was thinking a lot about 2019 and I was shocked because I logged onto Facebook the other day and in my memories, you know, I like it sends you a video of this time. However long ago it sent me the party where I introduce The first year married podcast, it was just over a year ago and I'm thinking for someone whose business is all about like the first year of marriage you'd think that like my first anniversary something that I would have liked planned for but you know what? I don't actually played for my anniversaries anyways, but maybe that's just being me being authentic. I mean, it just totally broke my head to think that 2019 this podcast I do it every week. This is episode 56. This is just past 1:00. year of podcasting right 52 weeks in a year I can't believe this is only been going on for a year. I really can't we recently passed 40 thousand downloads now for people who have like really big Publishing House type podcasts. Maybe that's not as exciting to me. I want to cry looking at that number. I cannot believe that that many people are resonating with this work are listening to this work are finding something that I hope is helpful for them. I've been so honored in the last year to get to meet some of you You email me? You send me private messages on Instagram. You send me messages on my website. Sometimes. I feel like I'm I'm expanding this this network. I'm getting to know you the biggest thing that just totally baffles me is when your sisters reach out to me, right because you told them about the podcast and they've been listening to and then they join our little Community that's a little and then their friends that get hooked and just being able to introduce this work, which I am so so passionate about and I See in my own life how I've no idea where I'd be today. If I didn't have this work. It has allowed us to achieve so many of our personal goals. So many dreams it's and it's just such an honor to be able to share it with all of you and to get to know you. So thank you so much all of you for giving me that opportunity. If 2019 was the year of the podcast 2020 is going to be the year of our brand new group coaching program. I feel like what I'm hearing from you is that we have so many people now have been listening long enough that they really get what salt work is a lot of women who've been through the first year married online course, and so they have a lot of that information about understanding how men and women are functioning differently and communicating differently and thinking differently and motivated differently and oh it's just so so different the next natural step for me and for you is to take this work and to really be able to dive deep and apply it right. To be able to get the coaching that takes it from that intellectual inspiration into real on the ground happening in your life. Seeing the changes achieving those dreams and just so beyond excited as you can probably tell to be able to move this direction because this is really the next step for you for me. Here's the thing about coaching on your marriage improving. Your marriage doesn't just it's not just like a great idea. First of all improving. Her marriage is a great idea. You're going to be married to this person for the rest of your life, please God and let's make that awesome. Let's not make that manageable. I think sometimes we forget and we get scared to dream and that's why I actually switch that the headline for my website, too. Are you ready for happily? After because I was like, you know, what what if we open our minds to like what if this could be what if I could look at my husband and be like that is the love of my life. I'm telling you. It's really possible because that's how I feel and it's not because of who you picked. That's what we're going to talk about in today's episode. But in addition to working on your marriage being so powerful. It's also I think the very best place to work on thought work which is all of this model stuff that I've been. Teaching you that I got for my coach Brooke Castillo in our marriages. Our thoughts are so raw. Everything has escalated and when you can apply thought work in your marriage, it's a piece of cake pretty much everywhere else in your life. Okay, so it's just such a great place to start. So I want to start by telling you a little bit about this group coaching program. So, you know what it is, you know how to get into it and then we're going to talk about to these topic which is the marriage you want. Okay. So here's the very first thing about the group coaching program, which is that it is not just for newlyweds. The majority of you are not actually in your first year of marriage and it it's kind of fun for me to think that some of you have left your first year of marriage while you were listening to this podcast. That's kind of cool. So while this podcast is going to stay the same because I have such at least for now. I have such a strong place in my heart for newlyweds. I think for the group coaching program and need your ideas if you guys can send in your ideas. I want to hear I think we should name the group coaching program because I don't think it should be called the first year married group coaching program. So many of you that are ready to work more on this on this material are not in your first year of marriage and we're going to be talking much more generally than the specific program and those first-year topics that you see in the course. So that's number one. It is not just for newlyweds. It's for any woman who wants to take this material deeper and apply it in her life. There's also a monthly Focus video which means each month. You're going to get a video for me about a specific. Vic coaching topic that's going to go much more in depth than I'm able to do on this podcast. So that way instead of sort of feeling like there's all these different things going on and how do I improve it? We can focus on one area at a time. Now, you don't have to do every month to be in the program. Sometimes you're going to choose to do one month and the next month. You might want to focus on something else and that's fine. This is just there for those who want it and who find it useful. There's also going to be worksheets and journal pages so that it really really helps you to you know, even though we know we can just write down a model sometimes having those prompts. Can help us get those thoughts out of our brains onto the paper and then we can really work on them. There are also twice monthly calls right now. Those calls are at 9 p.m. Israel time 2 p.m. Eastern time on Sundays not every Sunday. It's twice a month. Those are group coaching calls where I'm going to have you come on and I'm going to coach you just like if we were in a one-on-one session. It's amazing to be coached. If you haven't been coached before this is a great way to get started. It's also amazing to watch someone else be coached because it really helps you understand how to apply this material. Sometimes it's easier to actually It happening with somebody else because to us our thoughts still feel so true but on someone else you're like well, yeah, okay obviously can see how that's just a thought and then we're also going to have a private WhatsApp group so that that way questions about the monthly Focus or questions that for someone who can't come on to the call can be answered but we're all going to benefit most importantly. How do you get in to this group coaching program to get into the group coaching program? All you have to do is go onto first year. Mary.com forward slash course Co you are? R SE and get the first year married online course that course you will have lifetime access to that material. As soon as you register, you get the course forever and the private Facebook Community if you choose to use it that course has all the fundamental materials that you really need to be able to do the group coaching calls, right? It's where you really learn about the model in-depth it's where you learn about a lot of the gender differences. That's where you learn about resentment and burnout and self-care. So all of Core material is in there and I want to make sure that anyone who's in group coaching has access to all of that because we're going to be referring to it a lot. But you get with the course three months of group coaching totally free. This is also retroactive for everyone who's already done first year married, and if you haven't gotten my email for you reach out to me Kayla at first year mary.com because I need to make sure that you get your three months because anytime I add something to the program as you know, I always give it to the people who've already in the past taken it. So that's super exciting for me also. So I just want to say as a side note to be able to work with you again Beyond thrilled. It's like I feel like my old friends are coming back when I see register so you if you haven't done first year married before all you have to do is you go on You by the first you married online course, you get three months of group coaching automatically included because I want you to have time to get on and be coached when you're learning all this material and it takes you six weeks to get through the program you have three months of coaching and if you decide to continue, we're starting off group coaching at only $30 a month. For some of you money feels very tight and getting one-on-one coaching can be a struggle. This is my way of trying to make it accessible for as many people at a realistic price point as possible. So I'm really excited about being able to do that. I don't think that where you are financially should determine your mental awareness and self care and health and how much you're enjoying your marriage. So I'm really excited for that. By the way. I also want to say that I've started to have more people get first year married as a gift so I know for most of us, We already just did the gift season. But if you have an outstanding gift or you're getting married and you want a wedding gift suggest it to someone if you think that's about the range of what you think somebody wants to offer you. I personally love getting online courses for presents. They are no clutter and they make my life better. So so I suggest that to you if you are trying to figure out how to get the money to pay for the course. That's one great way to do it. Okay. So those are the details again to sign up for the for the group coaching program. You haven't done first year married yet. All you have to do is buy the first you married course and you will be automatically registered for three months of group coaching after those three months. When you decide to continue, you don't have to cancel. I don't take your credit card for that you'll then enroll in group coaching after three months. Okay. Those are the details. Okay. So I'm so excited to see you in there. Let's talk today about the marriage that you want. Here's what I'm hearing a lot and I and and here's what I would have said 10 years ago. I'm fine. I'm normal. I have my my pros and icons. My husband is fine. He's actually a good guy people tell me he's a good guy. I knew he was a good guy could even tell you the things that are great about him. So why do I want to get divorced right or even for some people wear divorce is like not even within the realm of consideration like why why am I now going to be miserable for the rest of my life, or why does he make me so crazy sometimes? Or how do I get him to stop doing that thing? That just drives me nuts or makes me feel so resentful and why is he so insensitive? For other women it's more about themselves. Right? Like they're not showing up how they want but they're getting into a funk or they're being really mean and they feel disgusting about that. They have this imaginary wife in their mind. The one who always has a clean house and makes delicious meals. I don't care how feminist you are. This wife shows up and she is Betty Crocker for all of us. She also never gets angry and she always feels loving and she's probably extremely attractive right even if intellectually we know that that's all ridiculous. We still feel shame for not measuring up to her. So therefore what ends up happening since we know intellectually that that's ridiculous. We then don't have any barometer At All by which to sort of Judge ourselves in a productive way and to see am I happy with how I'm showing up so half of you it's sort of in the like husband around I would say probably more than half I'd say that's 80 percent and then the rest of you it's in the self realm, it's the I had these dreams for who I was going to be how I was going to be as a wife and it's not happening and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to use more self-control. It's not working. Here's the thing those of you who've been listening for a while know this those of you who haven't stick with me. Now. I'm going to just give my caveat one time for this episode, which I give all the time, which is that this material is not healthy or productive for people who are in an abusive relationship or whose husbands or themselves have severe personality disorders that are not being treated. Okay, that's my disclaimer. Now, we're going to move forward. If you're not in that category this applies to you. Here's the thing if you've been listening to this podcast, Cast for a while, you know this if you are new stick with me, okay, if your marriage is making you unhappy it's because of what you think about your marriage because here's the thing. Where's your marriage? Right like show it to me deliver it to my door. You can't it's not a physical thing. I think I talked about this a lot and one of the recent episodes. Your marriage is not a thing that can make you unhappy if you're unhappy in your marriage as we know always. And I'm going to give you examples of this. It's because of what you're thinking about it and that isn't to say that that doesn't make you feel really authentically bad. You can feel terrible. I really thought that my marriage was not going to make it sometimes when I was first married. I really questioned. What am I going to do is a single person as a new divorcee. How am I going to survive like that? So I get it I get how hard those thoughts are I get how true it all feels so stick with me and I'm going to give you some examples. When we moved to Israel, my husband kept his American job. Okay in many ways. This is phenomenal. One of the things that we knew would happen. Is that for sure at night when I'm doing the evening routine and bedtime and everything we have for young children or oldest is 9 when I'm doing that whole routine. I'm completely on my own. We also knew that much of the time he wasn't going to be available in the morning because by the time the kids get to school. If he's going to get any decent amount of sleep, he's still going to be asleep by the time they leave so that's morning and evening routines, which are if you ask anyone objectively, right? They sent this sounds very true objectively the hardest time of the day. Has it ever occurred to you that you could question if that's even true. Maybe it's not the hardest time that maybe it's the best right but like no everyone told us. These are the hard times. Yeah, they're exhausting and totally overwhelming and they don't go well. Okay, so that has to be like that so I knew going in and we decided to move with this as a reality that mornings and evenings. I would be on my own with all the kids. And I noticed that even though I decided this intellectually that I was feeling totally exhausted. I would actually say the word would be burned out like really burned out every time like by the time they got to school and by the time they got to bed totally burned out and sometimes resentful either angry at them for not listening to everything. I was saying or angry at my husband because he was still sleeping or because he was in a meeting really not resentful about him being a meeting, but for sure in the morning like even though I want him to get the Leave and I know he needs the sleep. He sleeping working really hard. But here's the thing we had picked. This is the schedule. It was intentional. I have chosen it. So you would think that like I would feel good about it, but that's not how we work as human beings. So even though I had had a thought this is a good idea. This is what I want. This is the life that I want for my family. It's not the thought I was operating in because this is exactly what I wanted does not make you feel burned out and resentful you hear that so when I saw How much I was feeling these negative feelings and I saw like what was happening so my kids are going to bed and I'm like, I for sure need a glass of wine to relax right? That's buffering. That's like I can't handle all my feelings and what's going on. So I'm going to reach for the sugar also did that right? Again? It's because I'm not able to manage my own thoughts. So now I'm taking something external to make me feel better. So none of those things would happen if the thought was this is exactly what I wanted, right so I had to stop and think like what's going on in my head Right and a lot of what was going on was exactly what I said that this is really hard. This is too hard for one person to do on their own. This is why husbands come home or bedtime and don't leave until after kids go to school isn't that hilarious? Because that's what I was thinking even though. I know that that's not true for the majority of families. I decided to look at it. Not just from this is what I picked because that could leave me was sort of feeling like well and then I made a big mistake, right? So I decided to look at it fresh. Look how I'm acting. Okay, like I'm burned out I'm not being productive as soon as they go. Bad because I'm so tired. I don't move on to the next thing in my day when they go to school because I just feel like I need to recover. Okay. So how am I feeling super burned-out super resentful? What was I thinking this is impossible for one person to do on their own. So what was really happening when I had that thought remember your brain always takes you very very literally. So if I'm having the thought this isn't possible for one person to do on their own. My brain is in panic mode like, oh my gosh. This isn't possible not like we say like this isn't possible. And it's like this is really hard and I have to get through it. But your brain is like we're gonna die. You're doing something that's not possible. That doesn't add up. It's like a computer right that doesn't have like any concept of slang or or a turn of the phrase or ways of saying things right? It's like this. This program is broken you're doing something but it's not a possible thing. We have to like immediately like Panic. So how am I panicking and like, well he needs to be waking up right now because I'm this is terrible and I'm feeling so horrible and all these different things right where They coming from was coming from me going. This is now possible for one person to do on their own. So I decided to look at that thought just noticing that alone was enough just having the awareness is 90% Obviously everyone wants to switch over to the one where everything is wonderful and peaches and rainbows and unicorns but having the awareness then allowed me to go. You know, what? Wow, look how exhausted I just made myself. I don't even know how tiring it is for me to do the morning and evening routine because I was putting so much energy into the drama that I don't even know how much energy was actually spent on just the baths and the lunches and the carpool. I've no idea because I'm spending the whole time with like this shouldn't be like this there needs to be a solution. He needs to stop what he's doing and we need to fix it and all of this mind drama which is of course super exhausting. Is my burnout coming from it was coming from that thought. So this morning I decided to try on a different thought which was this is the best way to do it. Now. I've been doing thought work for a long time so somehow like my brains become a little bit more flexible and I can often just change the thought I wasn't able to do that for a long time when I started doing that work, but then I was like well, yeah totally it's right as soon as I said it in a new way. I was my brain was like it's totally the best way to do it. It's way easier to do this on my own then if he was here if he was You'd be talking to me. I couldn't focus on the kids some days. He'd be able to do five things. But some days he'd only be able to do one thing because maybe something would come up. Oh my gosh. I'm so glad he's not involved way easier you here. So even if I'm physically tired from the picking up in the changing and the dressing in the whatever. I'm not burned out. You don't get burned out from physical tiredness, right? You feel great and feel physically tired go for an amazing hike out in nature you come home. Home, you're not burned out. You're like rejuvenated. You're just tired just need to sit down. Okay, so this is my new thought that I'm trying and I think it was like a good way of illustrating this for you in a way. That's a little more separate. I'm specifically using children because I wanted to start with you on something that you don't directly relate to and those of you who do then okay. There you go. Let's move on to another one. Okay, here's one that comes up constantly, which is the feelings that come up when your husband isn't helping and the way that you feel like he needs to okay. So here are some of the thoughts right if he'd only be more involved I'd be fine or if you just do what I needed or if you would just tell me to get to bed when I'm obviously exhausted and falling apart. Like why doesn't he just tell me go to bed? So a big part of this with the husband not helping and it seems less connected than it is but really really is is that this is this new phenomenon that I've been noticing more and more with my clients, which is we lose the self-preservation gene like at the ceremony and I don't I don't blame Hollywood for this one. I actually don't I don't I don't I think there must be something deeper to this one, but maybe I'm wrong but so many women as soon as they get married they feel like he should see if he cared he would then be Telling them how to take care of themselves. He would be like delivering her water when she's thirsty and it's funny because when I'm like, okay, but like when's the last time you saw he was thirsty and delivered water and they're like, well not ever I don't do that. So very fascinating because it's really various. It's a very strong thing. It's very common very very normal and yet intellectually were like, why am I doing this? Okay. So let's say you decide you're going to cook this delicious dinner for the two of you so you feel I don't know. Maybe it's been mac and cheese for too many nights or even eating out and you want to like make something really nice. It's going to make you really feel like a total awesome wife. So you leave work early, even though you actually have a lot of things on your to-do list at work and you would really feel much better. Mentally if you stayed in finish a few things up you slap yourself out to the store you get all the ingredients from this fancy Pinterest recipe that you found you go slave in the kitchen, you're starving of course and haven't had any water and you probably need to go to the bathroom because now it's already 8 p.m. By the time this is happening. He's coming three times to sniff around and sort of try and get an idea of like what's happening over here in the kitchen his most recent field trip to the kitchen he or let's say he's even been there helping you. It doesn't matter now. He reaches into the cabinet and he takes out a box of crackers you opens up the fridge grab some peanut butter sits down on the couch to eat them. Oh my now you are fuming. No thought actually goes through your head that you can identify usually sometimes but you might not even notice it you're fuming you are so mad. You are so resentful. Full he is the worst human being you've ever met. This is proof. You thought maybe he was insensitive but now for sure, okay. So what's happening here? What is literally happening in the situation you are cooking. I'll give you that. You're literally cooking and your husband is eating. That's all that happened. But when you tell it to me, you're like my husband didn't care about my cooking. So he just went in eight even though he can see how hard I'm working. That's what you sort of feel like is like this is what's literally happening. So like how should I how should I not be angry when that's what's happening. How could I not be hurt when he's eating when he can see how hard I'm working and he just doesn't care if he cared about me. I wouldn't be hurt. Okay, but do you hear how much gets added there you're adding that stuff in but All your interpretation of what happened what really happened you're cooking. He's eating that's it. Everything else all the drama all the frustration. Those are your thoughts about what's happening. So if you're honest, these are generally pretty colorful your thoughts. He's so insensitive. He's so uncaring. This is just proof. How could anyone be so disgusting? Like we really can get like kind of dramatic, okay. Fine, that's when you are telling me because when I work with coaching clients, what I have you do is just tell me what happened. I don't have you try and do all of us. You don't need to do the whole model when you're talking to me. You just tell me this is what happened when you tell me you're not like well I was cooking and he was eating so I'm curious this right you're like I was slaving in the kitchen and he just didn't even care and he's like so offensive. I'm so offended, right? We like to be offended. That one's a good one. So, how is she feeling? She's feeling Furious right now. She is fuming like steam is coming from the ears. So what does she do? Okay, if you were me in the first year of marriage, here's what I would have at least heavily fantasized about I don't think I ever did this exactly but I for sure considered it. I wanted to do something really dramatic like this. Like I would have liked taking the whole dinner the whole pan thrown it straight into the garbage in his face said something very witty and clever about how horrible he is and then grab my wallet and stayed in a hotel overnight. What I actually would have done with something like slam the spatula into the frying pan or burst into tears. Okay. What's the result? Is like you're Furious what you want to do you are going to lash out because that's what we do in your theories. Even if you're only lashing out at yourself or no one can see lashing out. That's generally an action that comes from being Furious and then what happens usually your husband's totally baffled, right? And then you your whole thing was he's totally insensitive and doesn't care about me. So now like he's going to be like, whoa, let me give you know, the fire-breathing wife a little space. So then he's going to seem even less sensitive and less scary also notice how totally insensitive your being I hope it was sudden, like totally freaked you out that I just said that but the guys hungry he didn't decide you should make this really fancy meal anyone see dinner already. He wanted you two hours ago. So finally he's like, I've got a solution. I'll have a snack now and then I don't have to bother her and she could take as much time as she wants, right. Okay, this is also when we start to feel this is another one. I hear a lot emotionally unsafe. I'm not I don't feel sick. I don't feel safe in my marriage. I hear that one. A lot of you and that's when the you need to remember your brain takes you so literally so if you're if you're staying he's a monster then your brain is like help we're stuck in a house with a monster. We are stuck with this marriage contract with a monster. This is terrible. So these thoughts can feel like very in it like fine. I'm just being dramatic. But again your brain takes you very literally and then your brain is like well as long as he's a monster we need to get out and then we're like, oh wow. This is a really emotionally unsafe place to be Yeah, but he's just eating crackers on the couch. Okay, so this is all about awareness. I know it really feels like he's the problem. I know. It feels like if look the obvious solution feels like at least in theory if I could just switch him out for a newer model. I'd be fine. Let's just get the other guy. He's not working because I'm look how miserable I am. We look to our feelings as an indicator of how well the marriage is going, but your feelings are only an indicator of how well you are managing your thoughts. Here's the thing for those of you who are considering divorce. Wherever you go, there you are. So even if you do ultimately down the line make a choice to end this marriage, I'll give you that that's an option people do divorce that is a reality in our world, but don't do it because you haven't taken responsibility for your own feelings. You're just going to end up married to a different person who is also a monster because your misery right now your frustration your resentment is all coming from what's going on in your brain and that's going to go with you and to any relationship any Any situation that you're in? Don't do it because your brain is just running wild and you're not paying attention. When we take a second to look this is the big step. I want you guys to take this week. Even those of you who've been listening for a long time and doing this work for a long time. I want you to step back and go. Okay. What's the story? I'm telling what's happening right now and describe it with all your colorful language. Put it down on paper with a pen or pencil. He was such a jerk when he didn't, you know, when he came and he got a snack or he did it out who you didn't pick me up. When he said he was going to whatever write it all down. And then after you've gotten it all down on paper, I want you to write what was the literally happening in that situation cooking crackers, right and look at the two of them and notice how worked up we can get ourselves. with the interpretation you have to have that awareness. You have to be able to see what you're doing yourself right how much you're affecting your emotional life before you can take the next step to thinking new thoughts because when you don't see that then you're like, oh, you're just telling me to just like it when my husband's being totally insensitive. How am I supposed to like that? How am I supposed to be fine with that? Right? That's what you think is happening. So I'm not telling you that that's not what's Happening Here. What's Happening Here is you're still putting insensitive as the literal facts on the ground and until you do enough work of separating out what I think is happening and then what's literally happening and noticing all those thoughts and how they're making you feel and how they're making you show up and how they are running the show. Only after you've done that work, can you then start to step in and go? Okay. Well if I realize that he's actually not insensitive. So I realize it all that's happening is he's eating crackers. So what do I want to think about my husband eating crackers and then it's all available to you so many amazing thoughts are available to you about your husband and how self-sufficient he is and how you're so happy that he chooses crackers and peanut butter over like, you know, some really junky Cheetos type snack it's available, but you have to first separate out get out of the brain get into what's happening get on the paper do that work. Okay, my dear friends our first call for the group coaching program is going to be January 12th, two P. M-- Eastern 9 p.m. Israel time that is also the deadline to get in for January coaching. And again as soon as your registered at first year married at the course forced to marry.com for / course, you will get enrolled I have to do it. So it might take a day you will get enrolled in the group coaching program. We're going to be taking this material this is it the marriage you want, but I have so much more to share with you. We're going to be taking this material going to be diving into it the whole month. In January you are going to have such a better feeling such a better handle on this work. You're going to start to really see it in your life. You're going to start to see the changes in your life. I'm so excited for you. So don't wait. Don't hesitate go over to first year. Mary.com forward slash course sign of right now. I cannot wait to see you on the inside. Bye. Bye.
2019 was the year of the podcast at First Year Married (we passed 40k!!!). I’ve been honored to meet you, to have your sisters and friends get hooked, to introduce this work I’m so passionate about. Thank you everyone!! 2020 is going to be the year of group coaching. It’s time to take this work and really dive deep and apply it. Improving our marriages improves every area of our life, and it’s the best place to work on this thought work, which is then a piece of cake to apply elsewhere in our lives. Group Coaching Details:   NOT just for newlyweds (and therefore I need name ideas)  Monthly focus video  Worksheets and journal pages  Twice monthly calls   Whatsapp group   Sign up at FirstYearMarried.com/course -- all participants get 3 months of group coaching for free, then can continue on from there! Here's what I hear...    My husband is great but still want a divorce   I don't want a divorce, but he drives me crazy   I'm not showing up how I want, I get in a funk or I'm mean   I'm not measuring up to the wife I have in mind, the one who always has a clean house, makes delicious meals, never gets angry, always feels loving -- even if intellectually I know that’s all ridiculous  Here’s the thing. If you are unhappy in your marriage it's ALWAYS because of your THOUGHTS. Example: husband not helping "If he’d only be more involved... if he’d do what I needed... if he’d tell me to get to bed when I’m obviously falling apart..." So let’s say you cook a delicious dinner. You leave work even though you’d rather stay and finish a few things up, shlep to the store, get all the ingredients from this fancy Pinterest recipe you found, slave in the kitchen, you’re starving because now it’s already 8 PM and he’s come in three times to sniff around… and now he reaches into the cabinet and takes out a box of crackers and sits down on the couch to eat them. Now you’re fuming, you’re resentful, what’s happening here? You're cooking, and he's eating. That's it. This is all about awareness. It really does feel like he’s the problem, I know. And the obvious solution is -- at least in theory -- to switch him out for a newer model. But here’s the thing-- wherever you go, there you are. So even if you ultimately make a choice to end the marriage, even if I give you that, don’t do it because you haven’t taken responsibility for your own feelings. Don’t do it because your brain is running wild and you aren’t paying attention. 