This is episode 2 of the new paradigm intimacy podcast with your host Lauren Renee and Victoria red bad. So it is the holiday season and today Victoria and I are delving into all of the conditioning around love and relating that comes up during this time of year. So we are going to be delving into what really is.Unconditional love and how we can better bring love into the World by putting ourselves first instead of other people what comes up around Christmas party season and why we are not able to communicate what our boundaries and desires are year-round. We are going to be looking at how we are blaming the relationships externally to us for the the disconnection we have to ourselves and how we can shift away from these old patterns as we step into the new decade. So it's a really fun to be able to bring all this stuff into our awareness so that we can not only just reflect on it and really see it for what it is but feel empowered to make new choices around how we love ourselves and the other people in our lives so that we can feel more joy love and freedom, which is ultimately what this time of year is all about so let's jump straight into the conversation and for everything that you hear in today's show we will add in some links to where you can find us and follow us online, but we will jump straight into the conversation to wrap up this amazing decade and step into the new Okay, so welcome back. We have myself and Victoria here for episode 2 of the new paradigm intimacy podcast and we are just about to jump into some really fun stuff today. We're just going to be doing a bit of a continuation on what we kind of introduced around the old Paradigm and entering into the new and really just bringing in some fun topics all around what comes up over this time period It of the Christmas holiday seasons celebrations heading into the new year what we're really seeing emerging as a whole lot of stuff around how we're relating in the world and how we're showing up sexually so it's going to be a really fun chat today. So before we jump in are going to be asking the magic question so Victoria, when was your last self-pleasure practice and what did that look like this time? Okay, so Well currently I am in Mexico and it's is Boxing Day. And yes, it was Christmas day and we I'm here visiting spiritual teacher who is disciples all shows and I spent some time with him last night and he's got this very strong energy. He's like he has he was silent for 12 years and it's all species reached Enlightenment is a very interesting character and when I went back to my room after And we spent some time with him. I felt all of his energy right body and the only way I can describe yourself as your practices. Like if you have like an elastic band and you stretch it and then you ping that elastic band and and the elastic band is like moving really fast. That's what my whole body felt like last night and by self-pleasure prices. This is like like my I was so much aliveness and just spending time and with this man and you know in this this Retreat space that I'm in right now, so Really a lot of the self-pleasure practices more just just observing the intensity of the energy that was just moving through my body. So that was very interesting. That sounds incredible and like so epic to be so aware of like the way that someone so powerful with that much experience has to offer to you and how that kind of integrates in your own body. I think that's such a that such a big like piece in itself. Really be talking about right now is like a gently paying attention to how the people around you and that you're spending time with impact. You personally exact thing. Yeah. Mmm super-powerful. I'm excited to see what comes after this little like exchange and being able to receive someone like that as well me too interesting Christmas. So it's all like, yeah, totally totally the new paradigm Christmas you're living out. I Feel going over to Mexico lately having time away with some other amazing business women connecting with these incredible spiritual teachers having time to yourself decompressing in or amazing, but I know that that's not the story for other people. So I'm kind of having a similar Christmas time to you. I'm over in Bali away from most of my family, but I was just mentioning to you before this chat. My dad's my Dad's here in Bali, but on Christmas day. I was meant to see him. I even made this decision which I feel was kind of probably the you know, what I've learned from you coming through as well. It's like if I don't feel a hundred percent in myself to spend time with someone I love and I don't have to like I can acknowledge myself and how I feel so I actually ended up giving him a call and just saying look, I feel like I really need to be with myself today. I've got a lot of stuff coming up and what I found was really coming up for me around Christmas was like the emotional body was Going to like this this usual feeling it has on that day around all the expectation and all the obligation and like feeling like oh, I've got a call this person. I've got a call that person and feeling like just just quite overwhelmed by that. So I needed to just sit with that feeling and just allow it and acknowledge it and realize that I could have the choice and I didn't need to feel guilty or or ashamed that I wasn't with my family or I wasn't spending time with my dad. So that was really a big thing in myself. So I would love to just know your perspective on this like what do you what do you observe comes up for a lot of people around this time of year and Christmas? Yeah, if she does I think I mean it's a similar story for me. You know, like how come I live in Australia? I've come all the way to Mexico my parents like, you know, Mexico isn't all that far from the UK. You can come home and I am I really noticed myself. I was like actually what The on it right now and there's a piece that I see for people when there's like a big holiday like Christmas that everybody's celebrating was like how okay are we to take care of ourselves first, you know, there's a big understanding that we need to take care of everyone else around these holidays for she like if they have children as an idea and that I can see the beauty in that and wanting to take care of other people. What I think is underneath that is a whole list of things that we think we need to be You know, we think that we need to be a certain person to show up as love. He said I need to do have certain values and do certain things to show a lot and for me like what shows me love more than anything is when someone takes care of themselves because love is actually for me only love when it's given freely. So if somebody was coming to spend Christmas with me and really they had like they really didn't have anything to give they really needed to be on their own and that's why I'm like that would like it's not them loving me if they're not loving themselves. And so I feel like that's a really important piece of for everybody to remember at Christmas time is like how much are you willing to move with what everybody else needs from me or things they need from you because of their own conditioning. you know to put instead of putting ourselves first and I hit and like the more I have like moved out of this like like people like my family fully love and respect that I need time for myself and they fully and they fully know that when I'm with them that I am giving them all of me and they when they see me they feel so happy because they get all of me and they get to have all of my presence and that's really like a value for me and this is when I've decided for myself is that you know what I experienced when I experience love and what I want to - our love is like it's cool presence. So that's a decision that I made for myself and the and sometimes and sometimes it doesn't show up like that. You know, sometimes love is just like spending time with and and just you know sharing, you know sharing presence with people then doing your own thing, you know, that's to me is another way that we get to experience love with people. It's like what does it actually look like when you when you share your love and like you get to get clear on that and you get to share that with anybody with the people that are in your life. I miss it when we when we work with things like Christmas day, especially there's so much. Like pressure to show up and sent way in to be a certain thing. And I think that this is really what the experience of self pleasure gives you it's like if that is something that you really want to actually show up in that way then at least bit like make sure that you're given the time to yourself before you're putting yourself into that environment because I know for most people they have a lot of triggers come up when they're spending time with their family and at these times a year they may have a lot of you know ideas of how things need to be and other people's values and ideas come into work tradition looks Watch Christmas looks like and so one of the gifts of like self-pleasure in general is actually being able to allow ourselves to be a free to show up and move with the the energy of other people. So how that looks is that if I have if I feel anxious about going to someone's house on Christmas day or spending time with the family member that I don't particularly get on with then actually being with myself that morning before I need to go and see them and allowing any emotions to come up and darling any worse case scenarios to come into my being Actually allows me to be with the anxiety or with the with the energy that's there so that I can move through it. And once I move throughout my own then I actually become I bet she cleared that energy then I get to show up and be full presence and full of for the people that are in my life. And for me that that is when I actually get to you know experience the the most amount of joy in my in the connections like schools with my family with my friends beautiful. And and what do we what do we see play out? In relationships when people are coming from this place of like obligation and I need to need to do this and I feel horrible but I need to show up for this like what what happens energetically in that kind of space and when we're we're continually playing out that story it will people go into contraction, right? So when when our bodies are contracted we kind of combustive entually, you know, it's like when I when we so pleasurable these are open and we're able to just be like move freely and we're allowed to go with the flow we go we can no be easy going and then we'll with that feeling of contraction. The body is like parts of other shutting down and so we're not being actually able to be in the freedom and the joy that we actually get to express us as movement moving is love in the world and that can create friction that can create polarities and it can create this feeling of feeling shut down when we shut down any part of myself as a polarization that comes out the other side. There's often like maybe a need to get drunk, you know, so it's just like we often people do get drunk around Christmas time. I was feeling contraction they want to feel ease and they want to feel freedom and they want to feel freedom of expression so that it's so instead of like having to be with all those emotions which takes you know, it takes this, you know a way of understanding how to do that. It's a so we get to bypass that with alcohol and just push ourselves onto the intern to the other way of being Mmm Yeah, and this is this is totally the story. You see play out. It's so it's so interesting to observe from the kind of lens that that we have on. This knowledge now. It's like actually looking at what happens the lead up to Christmas like stress like working hard getting everything done. And then it's like the big blowout but everyone's kind of disconnected at the same time. It's yeah, there's so much there's so much there that we could like analyze but I loved I loved what you shared just just before Christmas day around the concept of love and relating not being the same thing and I feel like that was a message that Really just like yeah, I received that so clearly as well because that's kind of the lessons that I've really been moving through so much in 2019. And like now just before entering a new decade. I feel like this is the this is such a way of thinking that we can grasp onto that's going to allow us to be loved more in the new decade and actually be more conscious with the way that we relate. So do you want to just share a bit about how you described that? Yeah, so I mean this was something I was talking about with some of the girls news is like some stories often come up as like especially when we when we have that obligation to be with certain people on Christmas day or to be with any of our friends or family. It's just like love and relating and milk the same. So for me, like love is unconditional like I love so many people and I feel like there's nothing that these people can do right or wrong that's going to stop me from loving them. But to hold the hold my love it with that much freedom. And with that much ability to do fully love people. I have to create values around how I relate to them. So for me, like like relating is really around shared values. So like me being away with the girls here in Mexico is that we all have a shared values to really relax and take time off over this Christmas period Which may not be in alignment with you know, maybe the values of my family right now, which is to spend lots of time. Keep going out and spending two and you know, really like being quite extrovert a Christmas time, which is perfect for their when I spooly respect them and love them and their decisions to do that. But what I need right now to love myself is to really decompress and relax. So this just in this moment our values are a little bit different and how I see this playing out for other people is that you know, they seem to have a story You know, I don't want to leave my partner because it's Christmas. I don't want to you know, I can't I can't leave him or I can't leave her because you know, they won't they won't survive without me or they'll be they'll be really hurt and it's all this this idea of like Showing up showing like love. It's the idea that love means relating and it's like I don't I wouldn't be I wouldn't be loving them properly unless I was standing right next to them. If I was really in this deep partnership with them and like my offering really is different people is to recognize that like love and relating not the same thing like sometimes the best thing you can do when you love someone is just set them free and have them take their own Journey because if you are hurting yourself to love that person if you are going into trauma or into trigger when you're spending With that person then but you're not actually loving yourself, which is ultimately not loving them because you we're not loving other people unless we're taking care of ourselves, which is playing into patterns and ideas and conditioning about what we think things need to look like. And we have all these stories. It's like and I ask people like why is it that you think you can't leave that person because it's Christmas, you know, I like to question these things like we have these stories that it's Christmas. I can't leave them and it's because there's an idea that it's like if somebody is alone on Christmas, it must be the worst experience for them. Like that's what she that's again. That's just conditioning. Like what does it mean to be alone on Christmas like and then we only will we we really unpack that we're looking at all these different pop sounds right? We're looking at all the cultural ideas that Right around what it means to be alone at Christmas because we've decided that Christmas is a time to spend with our families and that is another set of rules that has us create another set of conditioning which has this create more contraction and more triggering and difficulty that stops us from actually feeling freedom Joy love happiness. Hmm. It's so thick like when you when you lay it out like that. It's so you can see how it's like the opposite of what the intention is there. Exactly right? Christmas is supposed to be about joy and happiness and freedom and love this is like it doesn't have to come in the boxes that we think that it needs to look at. Hmm. Yeah and just being able to distinguish between what is my what a my true beliefs of what I actually want versus what have I been given to condition to feel like Me. Yeah, and that's a good then we laid out for me. It was like I was sitting here on my art and I had you know invitations to lunches. Oh, I need to be around people. I need to not be on my own and that was all like, yeah. It's so interesting. That's definitely what was playing out for me and I think when you start to be with the sensations in your body rather than thoughts in your mind, you kind of get this level of freedom and capacity to actually show up and how you are shopping the world. World because the one story that I will come down to with you and what didn't want you to shared with me or with these women that are sharing of me and also my clients about you know, how they have to be with people Christmas is the story that they are selfish. Hmm. It always comes back down to that. It's like I'm selfish if I don't show up for my family and selfish. If I don't spend this time with this question, you know, and then we and then it comes back down to that. So it's like actually what is really selfish is new really ignore what's happening? Hue in your body You know what? I mean? And even that's just another conditioning really is just like that's like it's actually a your is a this is concept of what does it mean to be selfish? And like what you get to decide that like you get to decide how it feels in your body. What is what feels like being selfish? So if it is selfish to you to not spend time with your family then that's okay, but make sure that that's what you decided as well. I think rather than having someone else tell you it's selfish and it's just like checking in with that. Like I said, like I think it's a great thing if that's what you feel like you want who you want to be in the world is to spend time with your family on Christmas day. That is so beautiful. And if that's your honest truth and they may be there is a little bit of contraction like sitting with yourself first. And creating a space for you to feel fully open and be with your body at that self-pleasure practice then going to spend time with your family beautiful. But it's like it but if it's like if it's the stories that everybody else is saying you're selfish but you don't feel like you're selfish. Maybe you're not being selfish. Maybe that's just their conditioning. Hmm. Yeah, and this is it and like weaving in that idea that the only way we can know what's ours and what's not is by checking in with our bodies exactly. Hmm because that would be my question like when so many people have all these ideas coming at them and Feeling like they have to do something and they don't know what their choice is. Then that that's I guess what the piece of advice that you would give to people is to allow yourself to be with yourself and actually listen exactly because when we're listening to ourselves and our bodies and we're going to make the right decision that's quite right by us. We're not going to be polarized and what other people expect of us. We're not going to be caused by our own expectations, which only creates contract. Which creates an opposite effect so it's like if you if you start drinking alcohol when you're in a great mood and you're having a great time you generally have a great time when you're drunk. If you drink alcohol when you are stuck in your film contracted and then you're feeling upset about something but you don't want to express it when you get drunk. You're going to have a hard time and you know, because it's going to come out and it's the same thing. It's just because everything has an opposite reaction, right? So it's like if you're Contracting those feelings in Europe being with us over those feelings. It's going to come out to the invitation really at this time of year is to like how do you be with yourself? And at any time of year early but this time of year, especially love the expectations and the ideas of one and what needs to be is stronger at this is the time where we need to take care of ourselves even more. Yeah. Absolutely, and just I love the idea like the ultimate expression of Love is being able to to look after yourself as well like that. That's something that really comes through for me to like when I look at my parents like even when I see them wanting to give so much. It's like I just want you to look after you because when we when we're giving and we're not looking after ourselves, that's when we have the resentment come up totally. You know, how many people like by way too many Christmas presents at Christmas and then get to the end they get to January and have a massive credit card bill is that love is that self-love to put ourselves in that position to put ourselves into debt to show how much we love someone is that love the these are the things that I often find myself question if that's will love me too because perfect of your comp or that that's kind of thing, but if you're causing yourself stress to love someone, is that love hmm. Yeah, that's it and Like what's coming coming through for me now is like being able to acknowledge that your ways of expressing love like do you have a concept around like, you know, like the love languages people always refer back to this. Do you feel there's kind of these core ways that we all have to express love. And the I do agree with the love language and I think that the most people seem to fit into those categories of my giving a receive it or is it quality time and gift giving and and words of affirmations like a lot of people have these ideas of having to Shoppers love but I do think there is ways of doing this that don't have us feel stress. So if your if your thing is gift giving Then there are ways that you can have that up that you don't create stress. Mmm. So and I think it's just like for me I guess my ultimate relief is if I'm not taking care of myself. Is it love and that's like because I personally don't believe like that love is love and this is given freely. Mmm, and like I don't want those of scarcity as well where we're at exactly ingrained a hundred percent. Like I don't want my partner or my friends or my family to spend time with me unless they really want to if they feel that they have to spend time with me that that doesn't feel like love for me. Yeah, and it's the the the belief underneath all of that is like love equals sacrifice. Exactly and that and again that doesn't feel like love exactly. I'm because like the whole purpose of this new paradigm. Is that like everybody's fighting because if everyone was surprising and everyone was in this open space of like love and joy and freedom that was actually authentic then we wouldn't be fighting. You know, you see a lot of this at Christmas time people having big fights and a big bus stops more breakups happen at Christmas time because you're actually, you know conscripted to spend time with your partner and it's just Actually people were showing up in exactly what they want to do at these times. We wouldn't we would have we would have people fully honoring themselves and and and showing up a with a couple it's full and that is for me that's writing space and that's me is when love gets to expand and move out into the world and people get to really experience this place of like creativity and openness and joy and love and fun. You know, it's like that is the space where it all happens, although feeling fully open and expansive and not in our contract. Actions or not doing something that we don't want to do because that's that is when we don't have our boundaries in that way. That's that's not love to me. Absolutely. And so it's actually being able to express and be honest with ourselves as well rather than conform to this is how it has to be this is how I have to show up. What's like, we're yeah, we're like robots that are being programmed. We must be happy at must work out this way and any any pressure any expectation like that. It's always going to cause us You know explode in some way exactly and that kind of leads us on to the conversation. We're having about the Christmas parties because parties is like is this the piece around with like, you know, you have family family debuted on the Christmas day with your family supposedly and that's like a you know, that's arguments of the family more but when we're dealing with sexuality that really gets to come out around Christmas and around the Christmas party the work Christmas party, you know, because it's this time that everybody all year round. They've got At least maybe these little crushes in the workplace because maybe there's you know bits of like little drawers of Air instead of pulling on on us and the more we feel that we are kind of contracted in our sexuality throughout the year. We have to be professional and you know, the word professional after a lot of people means not being in your sexuality which I find very interesting as I can really like the word professional for me is like shutting down your sexuality and like, you know buttoning up your shirt all the way to the top, right? You know, they call these ideas of what it means to look and be professional. So the more we have the more professional a business the more you see, you know, this is these shadowy aspects of sexuality coming out these energies of people like having deviant energy, you know the and like one of the you know, what are things that we learn that it's been a lot of time living in London and I'm from near London and you know, so I spent a lot of time in the corporate world in the UK. Okay, and the like the density of the I did there need to be very professional in the UK is very strong stronger than it is in Australia. And so you so the things that happen at Christmas parties and UK are so wild because it's this one time of year where it's like a full permission slip to be in that energy and then what often happens past that people coming out and being in there for sexuality is that they get hit by a massive Shane hangover the next day and now Really lubricates that that ability to come out and be in full expression rights. So if a democracy it's usually fights with the family about happens at the cost of party. It's like sex with that colleague, but you've been eyeing up all year that you've wanted to have sex with that you have felt it would be professional to connect with them and that it's actually leads me into another really great topic of I had a lot of people's time saying I know I can't work with I can't have sex with that person because I work with them. I can't connect with this person because of this, you know, and because we work together there, you know, there's all these different power dynamics that are playing out. With people in how they think they can and cannot have sex with but the truth that I see underneath all of that is that people do not have the ability to have the conversations that they need to create safety to have the sex that they want to be having. Hmm. Right and it's vulnerable and that's why it's not happening. So it's like if we're looking at the Christmas party for instance people don't want to put themselves out there and say hey, I actually I find like I really enjoy working with you and I feel this attraction to you and because then they actually have to face the piece around rejection possibly or the vulnerability of that personal feeling the same or you know, there's all these ideas of what it means to to put ourselves out there. So there's a lot of ideas around that conditioning around okay if I put myself out there. What is going to happen, you know and it's like what if people knew I had attraction to that person again, would that be like? Why would we be why do we have crazy stories around this being professional unprofessional or you know, why do we think it would be if a man for instance would have said to me in an office space because I'm you know, I'm Twenty Eight. So if if I'm in the in the age group of 28 on man's has to move the his attraction to the workplace, you know, there's all this Dogma around how that can be intimidating right but his own Imitating if I don't have my boundaries so actually for me, it's it feels worse. If somebody doesn't feel it that they can actually voice to me that they have attraction to me whether it be in the workspace whether it be a client whether it be a mentor anything for me because I feel very comfortable confident in my boundaries. So I want people to actually relate to the business of who I am, you know, I want people to relate to me as not a victim as somebody who has their you know, who is is powerful and is empowered in their choices and if we all Treated each other in this way that we're all powerful beings and we could actually ask what we want and not feel like we're intimidating someone with we went to ask them and or Express that we have sexual desire towards them. So like there's so much, you know, I feel like there's so many wormholes or we could go down and this and this understanding of like, why are things the way they are around sexuality in the workspace over at the Christmas party and you know what I love and what I love and hate about the Christmas parties, but it creates this permission slip for people to actually show up and express their desires. How it's like there's a everyone has this understanding that's allowed and I find that really curious as well. And but but again, it does later this piece of like if the rejection comes up, it's just like, okay like all right. Well, it just happened the Christmas party. So we're going to come back to January. There's often there's you know, we call it the January blues, right? Like there's this this concept of the January blues on the Monday blues, even you know, like this concept of coming back after the wildness of the weekend or the wildness of course is party and I'm having to you know, face this Appearance of like feeling vulnerable in the rejection or in the even even when people do connected the Christmas party so often there's like one time thing where it doesn't carry on going because it was like it was only allowed because that was the one time of year that we allowed ourselves to let go of all the power dynamics that are playing out in our everyday life. So let go of all the vulnerability and the stories of what things need to be like or when things need to be professional and that also leads into when people have sex with each other. There's often a store. That we spoke to in the first episode of how things need to go. So we've got people out start having sex. They must start dating them on a date. They must up moving in together meeting the parents and having children getting married, right? It's like there's this like this look relationship escalator that people feel that they need to move on to as soon as they start having sex together because somehow the Kristin's party creates a space of like if it happens there was not taken seriously. So there's like there's all these unconscious thoughts that we have, but we don't even recognize it going on and Actually, if we let go of those and actually start speaking Our Truth and saying as she I have this desire and I want to speak to you right show like this is what's there for me and we start to be able to and this is where it comes down to for me when I started like realizing how can I create safety for people to have the conversations and it's like we need to create new etiquette a new Frameworks for people to step into being able to have those conversations. This is what the new paradigms about. This is what we're creating here. We're creating the space and a lot of this is actually the energetics because when you get comfortable in your body to be rejected or to feel abandoned or to like all these things all these ideas of what could go wrong is actually just a feeling mmm. So when you get comfortable with the feeling because the feeling is just a sensation when you connect to the sensations in your body. Then it has a reverse effect. So you can actually go out and have the boldness to ask somebody out on a date. You can have the boldness to ask somebody or let somebody know that you have a desire for them because this is the reverse effect is like the sensation is what creates the feeling which is what creates the emotion which is what stops you saying what you want to say. So we just have to reverse that and get comfortable with the feeling and the sensation in the body and then we're comfortable with that and whatever the worst case scenario is then we have the boldness to come out and ask for everyone and even speak up for what we don't want. That that piece that you taught me around people don't know how to express their like boundaries. Like if you know, they're approached by someone. They're not attracted to I feel that that's such a big story that plays out as well because something that I actually adopted into my life recently is I realized that a story I was acting out in my life was like say a man asked me out on a date if I didn't feel like I wanted to have sex with that person that I wouldn't even go on a date with them and what I realized I was doing is that like I was just automatically assume that if I say yes to anyone that's attracted to me. It means I'm saying yes to having sex with them. But actually we can enjoy flirtation or we can enjoy going out to dinner with someone even if that doesn't mean in that moment. We want to have sex with them. It's like we're creating more separation and more loneliness and pushing away our curiosity because of this fear around what one of those steps in this kind of relationship escalator means that we're heading to exactly it's like I've got off the escalator at any time, but we can still welcome in connection and love and everything the in different ways. Yeah, there's so much pressure. Imagine if you only went on dates with people that you thought you could marry and that is a lot of expectation to have one somebody and they show you like I see this playing out all the time, you know, people are like what I'm only interested if it's the one you like. Okay, but how do you know if it's the one would you not feel that you might actually enjoy spending time with that person? Well, yeah, but they're not the one okay, but You know, maybe sometimes there's like there's a there's a concept of what it means. This is like the kind of coming back to the Disney movies, right the fairy tale of how things need to look and how like, you know, we need to be completely beside it and excited by this person from the moment that we meet them like that is so much pressure and then we kind of look back into like if any part of us is in contraction that we're not going to be showing up as our fullest version of ourselves. So we might just miss we might have missed the vote of walking paths over here is the one right. It's like we just drew fighting Idea of like what you know the chances of meeting this one because if we're in contraction, we're not going to be showing up enough fullest expression of ourselves. Hmm and if we're not in a fullest expression of ourselves than we like. How would somebody know that like the fullness of who we be in the world? Hmm. It's Madness so much about it. Yeah, and these are the thoughts that are really coming through for me before it's like we're programmed to feel like love is scarce in the world. Yeah. There's just one for us or If we meet someone and we have this connection that we've got to cling on to it because that connection is so rare. But when you think about it, is that connection really rare like we meet when you're open and when you're connected to yourself, that's when you have the ability to tune into people that are like-minded and deeply connected to you all the time exactly and these people are deeply connected to you. I don't have an expectation of how you show up because they show up as love and they honor how you show up. You know, it's like it's a formula that is a way of being in the world and the more you should they said like your Vibe attraction tribe. So the more you show up fully as yourself the more you create space for court for people to show up at that time. Hmm But who has boldness. It's a lot of people are out here wanting to change how the world looks right and I will said like I will tell you this is one of my wounding when I first came into this game of like wanted to create change and what I was like everything was like there's then I could finally be myself that is another story. Actually what needs to happen is that we need to get comfortable with showing up phobias ourselves to create the space for everybody else to show up all yours themselves. And the more you can give yourself permission by tuning in to the sensations inside of your body getting comfortable with those Sensations getting comfortable didn't comfortable with these with the discomfort that's in our body the more you create space to shop as yourself in the world. Hmm. So we're really just keep looking at that reverse. Right are in all the way in find out what's really all the way in with on a sensation level so that you can show up and share something. So it's like, you know, if you need to share, you know, like a lot of women I see as well like there's speak to the things that are going on at Chris's cottage for instance. Like that's a man approaches a woman and he is he says actually I have some desire for you. Maybe he's really clear in themselves and he's like I can feel this desire to love you and I love to dance with you right now. And that's his desire of the Covid it's like if she then is contracted by that and doesn't feel too safe to own the boundaries actually all thank you, but I'm not I don't feel available to dance right now. She feels shame or feels pressure to dance then. She what she will then do is transfer that shame onto him because she can't bear to be that shame in her body. So she will laugh at him to have shot him down in a really harsh way and make him feel like he is, you know wrong for even asking so it perpetuates this The man doesn't feel comfortable to actually ask for the dance or asked to you know, sit and chat to that woman. So it creates this experience where she doesn't feel comfortable with that with her own boundary. So she then and she feel shame and not feeling comfortable in her country. So she projects it onto him up by laughing at him or creating an experience which then makes him feel shame, which means that he won't ask the next person. So we just have this knock-on effect that's happening in our society all the time and the more comfortable we can get with the feeling in ourselves of going, you know, if I'm that woman and that's scenario where I go. Oh, thank you for the offer for the offer but I don't feel available. Is that right now? So like I just want to sit here and talk to my friends. But thank you so much for asking and I've created a beautiful experience without that man to go on and ask somebody else and then also for that man if he gets comfortable with the fact that that's actually her shame and he could understand that that it's nothing to do with him when it's actually her experience of what she's all them. Maybe she doesn't feel her boyfriends and I have Bloody then he can go. Okay. No problem. Like I see you in that and he can remain centered in his body. I got it by realizing that actually has nothing to do with in the puppet. She's just projecting that way. Yeah, that's such a beautiful example because I do see this play out so much that instead of taking ownership of what we can do differently. We're blaming the way relating is or we're blaming the way the sex were attracted to is like we're saying or canes and women are just like this or women always reject men when your day always reject me whenever I ask them out or men are just great. He and these kind of stories or people just don't know how to communicate relationships constantly telling this Narrative of what's wrong. But how can we actually look at ourselves? It's like do we get how to speak up for what we truly want do we know how to hold our boundaries? Do we know how to speak from a place of vulnerability rather than being defensive or reacting? Because that yeah that example it plays out so much and it's just creating so much fear and sadness and disconnection. So my invitation to everybody who brings me these stories and who complains about genders or sexual of sex being a certain way is radical discontinuity. It's like in a we just spoke about that pretty normal Dynamic that we see in the world is like man approaches woman, right? And then this particular thing plays out like you see this in the movies all the time. You kind of see this at the Christmas parties if the pain of brave enough what if we flipped it on its head? What if we created an experience where we don't play into gender roles what would happen to be played in the experience or we don't play into the fact we can be rejected. What if we found it within ourselves to go? Okay. So like these are the worst case scenarios and I can sit and I can create something different. So that might look like if you are a woman that you go out to approach a man and ask him out on the day. So you're flipping the whole game on its head. You know and you and maybe you have a story that if you know, it needs to be not in the workplace and and needs to be out Christmas party girl was like What if you actually approach my the workplace that will like to spend some time with you at the Christmas party because in it's like filling into what is your authentic true and finding a way that you can express your authentic Truth by being okay with whatever the glass case scenario is. And just breaking out from all the patterns that you think is what have things need to be. And the first thing to do is create awareness create awareness of what's happening in your body. And when you think about doing things that you want to do and then the second piece is creating awareness around what is the stories and we conditioning you think of how things need to look in society break all those things away and then show up how you want to show up in the world knowing that nothing you show up as is selfish. I think you show up as is not love, you know, like where these ideas of like This is what love is and this is what I did. This is what's right. This is what's wrong. Like when you break down all those layers of what people have told you in your lifetime, but your condition is what other people's condition as that is. Okay. What's not okay you then get to shop was of authentically as you and this is a process and every day you can make a commitment to this that allows you to step further and further into what is true for you. So powerful because I get these questions all the time, especially all from women, then men really? It's like can I ask this guy out on a date? Should I ask him and and it's kind of like yeah, I guess the core question behind all of that is what is it that you actually want like what feels right for you? And is there a particular like pattern break or like practice or something something that people can bring into their awareness in that moment if they feel themselves? Straining what actually is their desires? Well the thought that I won't be able to connect to the most is that powerful people are okay with being uncomfortable? So on a thought level that's what I want them to get as like it's if you can be okay with being uncomfortable and your body can feel uneasy then you can do anything. And what people often think is that when they are that we are so conditioned to chase what feels good and when I give it doesn't feel good, then it's then it's not right. but actually it's like the discomfort is you stepping into a new way of being and it takes that discomfort to create and be your most authentic self. And then though that's the thought process is like so this is like breaking down what's happening in the mind is like you don't have to be comfortable for this to be what's right for you? Yeah, it's almost it's like what what gives us the easiest path way to you know, our pleasure and desires actually ends up ends us with a deep. Level of pain, but if we can go through the pain and discomfort first, we get that expanded pleasure for a more extended period in a way like the thinking like, you know, you could meet someone out on a night out and sleep with them without talking about what your connection actually is or creating a heart-to-heart connection and then end up feeling empty and dissatisfied the next day or you can face that fear of discomfort of telling that person. You actually have more intimate desires. Towards them and then have even deeply and more deeply connected intimate experience. So yeah, it's kind of exactly that way. Yeah, it's always that way up and like the thing is like pain and pleasure are in the same reg receptor in the mind, right? So it's just like the brain has as it's in the same spot in the brain. So it's like there's actually no separation between that pain and pleasure. Hmm, and that all of it like there's no like chasing pleasure is a waste of time because you know every moment and even that discomfort, You get to this like this this level of self-pleasure that like most of the students are in this on this course that were teaching is like there. Is this a sort of like even the discomfort is pleasurable because there is like, there's no separation between Pleasure and Pain. Yeah, I even found my mindset around that through the course change completely. It's like I found myself actively seeking out things that made me lean into that. That feeling of discomfort who's a kind of got like this, you know, I wanted that feeling of overcoming that discomfort and getting on the other side and it feeling so much more free and expensive because that's what's beginning to happen totally because I guess that's the way the humans are designed as I get I think we have to do over and over again and it when we get stuck in something they passed darkness is just stagnant energy. So like this piece is like energy just always wants to move. Hmm and that's what I'm going gasm. There's It's Just Energy and movement. That's what emotions are they just energy emotion. All right, so it's just like it when we get when we bring it back to that piece of like life gets to be orgasmic is like orgasms in themselves is that is a contraction and expansion. Hmm. It's a wave that's moving through the body. So the more you can surrender and let go to all these ideas of what things need to be. And how many to be the deeper. You can actually experience this orgasmic life that's available for you in every moment. Hmm. Amazing. Ah, well, I feel so full from this chat now. I feel like I feel like we said what we really wanted to and and created this space for Or people who are listening to really understand that there's so many stories that are playing out and the power is actually letting go of those stories and read a person in truth is a remembering what our in truth is. Hmm. Yeah beautiful effect. Is there anything else you want to leave people with like, how could what what we really want to be letting go in this last decade and how we want to be stepping into the new and the way that we relate. mmm I think what I want to lick we believe is just what would happen if they experimented with putting themselves first their partner second and their relationship third. So I know we spoke about this in the first episode. I just want to kind of bring it back to that like what if you stepped into the into 2020 with that idea just tried it on even if you just tried on for the month of January and then you can just notice even if you just journal every day for the month of January and notice where you are not putting yourself first whether you decide to even Interaction that just notice what's happening I notice what are the consequences when you don't put yourself first? I think that's perfect. And yeah a beautiful way to lead into January it can be as simple as that and when people are creating what they want to change and then we are like it can be that simple. I'm going to choose to put myself first and I'm going to choose to look for relationships that are expanding me and supporting me exactly. Amazing. I love that. Yas'm. Thank you so much. Why thank you and look forward to our next episode.
Victoria Redbard is a somatic sexologist, counsellor, speaker, researcher, open relating expert, author of Transformation through Touch and founder of The Institute of New Paradigm Intimacy. Originally from the UK she has studied tantra and sexuality in many countries and now resides in the Gold Coast Australia helping people access flow states through tantric practices. Today she is creating worldwide cultural change through her sexuality school The Institute of New Paradigm Intimacy which offers deep learning into the psycho-social and somatic aspects of cutting edge sexuality education. Her mission is to see men and women step into their bodies and out of their heads and create more qualified, educated and empowered sex and relating coaches to provide the safe space needed for everyone to feel free. The Institute of New Paradigm Intimacy is a step towards seeing sexual health plans become just as common as mental health plans. In today’s episode we talk about   Why loving someone does not mean we are aligned to relate with them  The conditioning around relating that causes us stress over the holiday season  How sexual repression causes rebellion and how this plays out in the 'Christmas party paradigm'  The one thing people can do in 2020 to support their relationships to thrive    Follow Victoria RedbardInstagram: @victoriaredbard Facebook: Victoria Redbard Somatic Sexologist www.victoriaredbard.com Apply for the Institute of New Paradigm Intimacy February 2020 intake Follow Lauren Renee @laurenreneeintimacy Facebook: Lauren Renee Intimacy 