For a little background, I have been with my first &amp; current partner for 17 years, married for 11 of those.  So until recently I had lots of experience with communication &amp; compromise in a relationship, but none whatsoever with a relationship *ending.*  Then we opened our marriage to allow for other loving relationships; no problem there.  But I had another relationship, I got dumped, and I'm concerned that I'm handling that poorly.  
Here are the details: I was dating this woman for 3-4 months.  (I give a range because it started really slow.  I had a lengthy flu and she couldn't afford to risk getting sick - so we met once and then there was a lot of texting &amp; phone calls after we decided to try dating but before we could see each other in person again.)  All in all, I thought it was going really well.  We both highly valued honesty &amp; communication, had similar personalities, and found each other interesting.  After a while, she got busy and we didn't see each other very much.  There were a few times where she just wanted to relax on her own after a busy week; even though I knew she was stretched pretty thin, I'd ask if she wanted to do anything and figured it was a good sign that she was comfortable enough with me to say no.  She *was* still clearly making efforts to fit me in.  In hindsight, I think it was a mistake not to give her more space.  I'd been planning on asking her if I needed to adjust my expectations around how often we could see each other, but I delayed, not wanting to make her feel guilty for how busy she was - after Christmas we were expecting things to settle down, so I was going to play it by ear and talk to her about it then if it still seemed necessary.  
Well, the Saturday before Christmas we had plans together.  I was really looking forward to seeing her again, as outside of a brief encounter it had been about 3 weeks since we'd hung out.  She hadn't even been replying much to texts, which made me nervous but aside from that she had given me no indication that anything was amiss and 3 weeks prior it really, really seemed like she was happy to see me &amp; enjoying my company.  Anyway, Saturday morning I got an email from her.  She said she had something "internal" that she needed to focus on.  She had some books of mine that she said she'd return after the break.  She apologized for doing it over email, but said doing it face-to-face was not within her ability at that time and she didn't want to avoid me until it was.  I know that email/text break-ups are universally despised but I forgive her that.  I think she planned to do it when she saw me that day, and really would have done it differently if she could.  She even answered her phone when I called to make sure she was okay.  Honestly I was surprised that she did, but I was worried - remember I hadn't seen her in a long time, and she had been uncharacteristically quiet over messaging.

  
The problem is, I haven't really heard from her since.  This concerns me because 1) She still has the books she said she'd return, and I'm worried that she may try to mail them to avoid talking to me.  Those were all my favourite books from childhood so while I don't mind her having them for a time, I am quite concerned that they might not fare well going through the mail and/or sitting in a box on my porch in the snow for most of a day if the mail carrier opts to leave them.  2) I have something of hers which I would strongly prefer to pass over in-person... but she's probably forgotten I have it.  3) Last but not least, I have a million questions.  I suppose that's probably why she doesn't want to talk to me, but it would really help me to move past this if I knew the answers.  Did I do something wrong?  (If so, I'd like to learn from my mistake.)  Can we ever be friends again?  Maybe even start the relationship up again when she's in a better place?  (I can't help but suspect that the internal issues thing is only a partial reason, that maybe she just wasn't feeling it or something - I know that "it's not you it's me" is an extremely common lie - but maybe not.  Given how much we talked about honesty and everything I know about her values and even the things she occasionally posts to Facebook, it seems genuinely possible that this truly isn't about me at all.)

  
So, here's where the AITA comes in.  I know that she doesn't owe me anything.  And I have seen how scary it is when you ask someone to get out of your life but they refuse to.  Stalkers are real and terrifying and I'm afraid of becoming one.  But I keep wavering between "She's not answering me so clearly she doesn't want to talk to me and I need to leave her alone" and "If she wanted me to leave her alone, surely she would say so.  Maybe she's struggling with depression or anxiety and thinks she's just a burden on me, and what she really needs is for me not to give up on her yet."

  
Here is the contact I have made so far:

&amp;#x200B;

* As mentioned, called her about 5 hours after the break-up email and spoke briefly.
* 2.5 weeks later, sent this email: "I've been trying to curb my desire to contact you, because I thought you probably wouldn't want me to - or at least not yet.  But I just saw your recent post on Facebook and now I'm a lot less sure.  I know I'd been asking for a lot of your time.  If what you need right now is less, I understand that.  And I don't need any commitments.  I *am* afraid of being that person who won't go away when they're asked to... but if you're not wanting me out of your life completely, I would really prefer not to be.  Maybe I could give you a call on Friday and see if you're up for lunch?"  (No response, but none expected.)
* Called on the stated Friday.  Tried her cell once, waited a bit, tried the cell again, waited a bit, decided to try the house line just in case.  Stopped there.  Forty minutes later I saw that I had an email from her with a subject line stating that she was on an important conference call.  No message body.
* At the time I interpreted this to mean that it was okay that I had called, so I immediately sent an email thanking her for letting me know and saying I'd try again on Tuesday.  (I know that was too soon, but it was a convenient day for a few reasons.  And I guess I was impatient.)  I have since wondered if her email was more of a "you need to stop calling me" response.  She had sent it a minute or so after my third attempt, not having any way to know that I wasn't going to just keep trying.  (Again, no response, but none expected.)
* Called on the stated Tuesday.  This time tried the cell once and the house once before stopping.  No email, no return call, nothing.
* I meant to stop there, at least for a couple of months, I really did.  But another Facebook post prompted a swing in my resolve and I sent her a poorly-considered private message on Facebook.  In it, I asked that she give me clear direction on whether I should stay away or for how long.  That was almost 2 weeks ago (3 weeks after the last phone call).  No response.

&amp;#x200B;

Obviously, even if she does want to hear from me again she almost certainly needs more time.  So I have every intention now to leave this for another 2 or 3 months at least.  (Unless she contacts me or the books appear on my doorstep; in the latter case I'll probably leave her item in her mailbox with a note like "I hope when you're ready, you'll look me up".)  But I seem to have poor resolve on that, and having internet strangers chide me and give me further reasons to leave her alone would probably be good for me.  Also, I am honestly not sure if I'm in the wrong for trying so many times already and for wanting to try again at all.  The lack of response seems to make her will pretty clear... but she hasn't asked me to stop, she hasn't unfriended me, and she told me she'd return my books and she hasn't so there's an implication that she expects to talk to me again.  She also promised while we were dating that she wouldn't ghost me, which she didn't, but it feels very close to it to me.  I would really appreciate a chance for some closure.  I guess from her point of view she gave me that chance when she answered the phone, but I was too worried about her then to think to ask the questions that are bothering me now.  And if nothing else... those books meant a lot to me.

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway, **AITA for trying to contact her as many times as I already have, and/or for planning to try again**?

  
(PS. It shouldn't matter, but it probably does: I am female.  If that changes your opinion on this matter, I'd be curious to hear that, and in what way your advice differs because of it.)

  
(PPS. I imagine I'm going to get a lot of comments saying that she's terrible and I need to get over this ASAP for my own good.  At least, my friends have said that to me.  But I think whether she is terrible or not depends entirely on the one thing I don't have right now: her perspective.  Maybe she was pretending to value honesty but got bored of me and can't be bothered to think of my point of view.  Or maybe she's doing the best she can and feels guilty and paralyzed by her inability to respond in the way she knows I want her to - I have GAD, I know exactly how that can happen.  Trust me, if it's the former I will happily leave that relationship behind.  Besides, I am working on getting over it and have made significant progress, but like everyone else going through the stages of grief, I have good days and bad days.)  
 