Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : Bear with me, I want to be as fair as possible to get an honest judgment and that requires giving context...

I didn’t grow up with a close family and have been more or less on my own with my husband and kids living overseas for my entire adult life. I’m not the type to send holiday cards out and I never stayed in touch with anyone from my family outside of a few random messages here and there. I’ve mostly only spent time with my husband’s family. We moved back to the states and back to my hometown a few years ago because I was having health problems during my pregnancy. Nobody lives here anymore except for my aunt and cousin. I had stayed with them for maybe a year or so when I was a child and my parents were getting a divorce. The time I spent with them was nice and I always looked back on that time fondly. My aunt and cousin visited across state lines during my first baby shower years later although I didn’t get to spend much time with them. During my time overseas I sent my aunt a rosary I bought at the Vatican (my family is Catholic. I’m not religious myself) and sent my cousin a gift card and some things from Europe when she had her first baby.

Since being back, they’ve made me feel welcome although there have been a few awkward moments... At one point my aunt and cousin separately asked if they could visit and have lunch with me on the same weekend, but shortly before that my cousin had mentioned she wasn’t getting along with my aunt. I wasn’t sure how to approach it. I didn’t want to insult anyone by inviting one and not the other, but I also didn’t want to get in the middle of it or somehow cause even bigger problems between them. So I ignored the messages. I admit, I could have handled it better by leaving it up to them to decide whether or not to spend time together or I could have made up an excuse, but I just didn’t think of that. Lies don’t come easy to me so I didn’t even see that as an option. Well, apparently the reason they asked to visit was because my sister had started chatting with our aunt more and had mentioned to them that I was kind of bummed I wouldn’t get to have a celebration for baby #2 since none of my friends live nearby. When I didn’t respond to them asking to visit, my aunt blew up at my sister and went on a rant about how, “Now she understands why my Dad dumped [us] for his new step-family,” and such. Basically weaponizing whatever my sister had confided in her about our family. It was weird. But after realizing what they were planning, I immediately apologized and explained I hadn’t wanted to get in the middle of whatever argument my cousin and her were having. My aunt responded huffily, but overall we moved past it. They threw me a baby shower and they were very generous and I was grateful.

At some point my aunt moved to a different house nearby and offered to let me have one of their older beater cars. I asked if she was sure that was okay and eventually accepted since we figured my husband could use it as a commute car. They went out of their way to get it to me because they couldn’t get it started and had it towed a few hours. We got a new battery for it and a few other parts, but could never keep it working past the first month. I never admitted that to her because I didn’t want to seem rude or ungrateful. My point in bringing it up is that they have tried to be generous and I try to make sure they know I’m appreciative. The gesture meant a lot and as they say, “It’s the thought that counts.” They invited me over for Easter and Christmas. The first Christmas was a little awkward because I brought flowers and food, but didn’t realize there would be a gift exchange (my husband’s family is a lot larger than mine so we rarely exchange gifts with any adults - just the kids).

My sister recently told me my aunt told her that my cousin feels like I’ve snubbed them. I guess because I never invite them over or something? I’m not totally sure since nobody said anything to me directly. Again, that’s not something I’m used to doing. With my husband’s family, we always meet at the house that’s biggest and my cousin’s house is much bigger than mine. I also had a specific reason not to invite them to anything last year. Last year, I found my older brother living in a kind of halfway home. He had basically been abandoned by our parents over a decade ago when he developed a mental illness. This has always been a sore spot in my immediate family and is the reason I’m not very close with my parents. My sister seemed to hold a grudge with them for the same reason. Long story short, we live nearby now and are better off financially these days so I let my brother move in hoping I could improve his quality of life. It lasted about 6 months, but unfortunately we couldn’t help as much as we thought we would be able to. He started having violent episodes and causing a lot of damage around our home. I was/am extremely saddened about the whole situation so I was pretty withdrawn over the holidays. The entire time my brother lived with me, my sister never asked about him or how I was doing which was a surprise since we literally spent the past decade complaining about how our parents should have done more for him. Over that period, my parents showed more concern than she did. Over the last few years I’ve come to realize my sister and I have very different values and priorities, but that’s a story for a different time... I ended up withdrawing from both Spring and Fall semesters (when my brother moved in and when he moved out). Summer I threw myself back into my classes and made A+ in all 4 courses. Point being, I was pretty busy last year between school and my brother and taking care of my regular duties as a mother.

My brother’s mental illness is unpredictable and given my family’s historical lack of interest in his well-being, I didn’t want to put my aunt and cousin on the spot by inviting them over to a situation they might be uncomfortable with. Again, perhaps I should’ve let them have the choice to decide what to do. I did post some pictures of us during the summer to show he was doing well (which he was, at first) and the food I had made. But I guess my aunt and cousin just took it as me having big parties and not inviting them. My sister said she tried to explain about my brother, which I’m kind of annoyed by. My sister is the type of person that always tries to put herself in a flattering spotlight and she really had nothing to do with my brother last year and I have no idea how she tried to spin it. She’s very much a know-it-all “I can do no wrong” type. Even after she supposedly explained to them, nobody reached out to me.

Am I the asshole for being reluctant to reach out to clear things up? I can admit that I haven’t reciprocated as much as I probably should have. I’m a bit socially awkward and having “family” nearby is just not something I’m used to so I don’t really think about it much if I’m honest. I’m an introvert and usually just wait for other people to do the inviting. They’ve done a lot for me and I appreciate it, but it bothers me that nobody’s talking to me about their feelings directly. It kind of leaves a bad taste in my mouth because it feels more like they’re gossiping. I also feel like overreacting is becoming a bit of a pattern with them. My frustration with my sister might also be adding to my reluctance to reach out since she’s apparently close to our aunt now.