Me: Male, in my hometown to help my mom do some stuff, decided to go to a local watering hole to see some familiar faces.

Other Guy: Male, off-duty bartender at said local watering hole, inebriated, seems to be well socially connected, at bar with some of his friends.

Other Guy and I have no previous history.

Other Guy and his girlfriend are having an argument, they are both visibly upset. Other Guy starts to loudly tongue lash his girlfriend at the bar. I sense the distinct tone of a man intent to crush a significant other with his words.

I tapped Other Guy on the shoulder and tried to tell him he doesn’t have to talk to another person in such a destructive manner. I’ve lost people I care about partially because I thought this was the only way to have my feelings heard. Other Guy brushes me aside (“You really want to do this right now?”) and I walk away.

Fifteen minutes later I return to the bar for beer #2. Other Guy’s girlfriend has left in tears. I meander about nursing my beer and eventually take a seat at the bar.

I look around to see Other Guy holding a shot, standing with his friends, staring at me like a junkyard dog two sheets to the wind. I’m not sure if he’s so much staring at me or through me with the thousand-yard stare of a traumatized war veteran.

This makes me uncomfortable. I ask why he’s staring at me. He drinks his shot, continues to stare, no reply. I don’t back down, ask if he really wants to go about this that way, and again ask why he’s staring at me and what he has to say.

Other Guy brings up our previous interaction. He tells me I don’t know the whole story. I try to explain myself, and he continues reminding me about how I don’t know the details. He asks why he should care about anything I have to say. I tell him he’s the guy making an ass of himself yelling at a girl on the verge of tears in public, and that I just want to tell him that he doesn’t have to hurt people.

This does not go well. He walks somewhere else inside. I drink a couple of waters and close my tab. I run into him on my way to the bathroom and attempt to apologize.

This doesn’t go well, at all. He believes I suspect he’s physically abusive. I don’t, things seem to go better.

He starts to tell me that I shouldn’t go about getting into other people’s squabbles. Others may be violent. He and his girlfriend have a history of mental illness. It’s 2019, and women have more rights than they ever have.

I try to accept his points and apologize while making my point that when you unleash these salvos on people you love, it hurts them. It hurts you. Eventually, an on-duty bartender steps between us and tells me to leave. I comply immediately.

When I get home, Other Guy is a suggested friend on Facebook. I sent him a message to apologize with no caveats. I offer to buy him a beer if I see him again.

Am I the asshole? I suspect we are both assholes.