Tldr at bottom. I fully take responsibility for certain parts in this whole thing where I know it’s gonna be a hard YTA. But aside from judgment, I guess I also want to make the whole story (or at least my side of it) known. 

Freshman year of college, in another country, I (24F) met another expat from the U.S. We’ll call him ex-bff (24M). I attempted to befriend him, having the expat thing in common and all. But he behaved dickishly towards me, and ended up getting a gf who bullied me. To cut to the chase, they broke up and me and him became friends when he apologized for his behavior (I had moved back to the states at this point). 

Now, I found out that ex bff’s behavior stemmed from the fact that he was upset at ending up moving back to India for university, due to being caught selling pot senior year of high school. Hence revocation of college acceptances here. This comes in later.

Cue me and ex bff being friends for the next 3 years. Summer 2015, he was going through a “meh” phase, and I had a major car accident which was my fault. Around this time, he gets a new gf (23F), and suddenly his “meh” phase is gone. But only when it comes to her. I’m wary only because of ex-gf, but ex bff promises me that it won’t happen this time.

Keep in mind, they are in another country. So he introduces us via group chat. I try to be cordial and friendly. I even Skyped her a few times. So I decide she’s alright. 

Once, ex bff gave me his Skype password to pass on a message to her which I did. Fast forward to winter 2015. Ex bff ended up having to repeat the semester at his university due to not showing up because he was too depressed to deal with people except his gf. So he was holed up in his apartment smoking weed and playing dota. Keep in mind, this is the SECOND time that this happened to him.

Me and him also had a heart to heart about both our struggles with depression, and he threw in, “gf comes to me and says ‘is OP really one of your  best friends? She doesn’t get you like I do.” It was this statement, which just bugged me initially.

So yeah, her little sentiment came from the fact that I, suffering from severe, untreated anxiety leading to massive overthinking, would kind of tell her that I was worried ex bff would react a certain way to something. And also was ruminating over guy problems I was having. I found out that she sent screenshots to him about me overthinking said guy problems followed with “that’s probably why OP called you. She wants to talk about that. Is she actually depressed? Idk what to say to someone like that.” 

Yes, I went through his Skype. That wasn’t my proudest moment, and I fully accept IATA for doing that. But I also did it to know where I stood. Winter break 2015, ex bff’s sister was getting married in their state, and I knew I was going to be invited because he asked for my address to mail me my invitation. But turns out bride to be was having second thoughts, leading to a lot of drama. Also found out from snooping.

So yes, I was jealous that he was telling his gf those things, and not me. And he was redirecting his anger from family’s frustration at the wedding situation being taken out on him on me. But showing his nice face to his girlfriend who was behaving condescendingly towards me. Blatantly saying things to him and that he wasn’t sticking up for me. It doesn’t justify why I did it and I admit I was wrong for snooping, but at least I knew she was behaving disrespectfully. And I wanted to know where I stood.

All eventually settles down on that front. I tell him I’m upset he didn’t tell me anything about the wedding situation and that I was angry about the things his gf said. He justifies both with “it made me so angry I only really told her,” and “stop holding grudges.” No, I didn’t expect him to leave her just for a few disrespectful jabs. Just to acknowledge that it was uncalled for. But NOPE, it’s “my future wife this, that, blablabla.”

Fall 2017, ex bff tells me his friend, F, is attending grad school in my state. F is his former gf’s ex bff herself. So F and I link up and I hear from her about how the gf was a shitty friend who fucked F off the second she was in a relationship. WE NOW HAVE ANOTHER TESTIMONY THAT THIS GIRL SUCKS. 

So it turns out the gf’s family didn’t approve of ex bff. And they expected her to move to another country for work. Which she did, to pacify them. So ex bff was bummed. I initially tried to be supportive and said “maybe you can visit!” Followed by a glum “she won’t have time.” I can guarantee you if the roles were reversed that he would launch into how my bf sucked for not making time, and how I have horrible taste in guys etc. 

Anyway, F and I were hanging out later that night and we Skype ex bff who was still glum. F immediately goes like “fuck her.” Impulsive, adrenaline charged me, who was pumped to have an ally who hates this girl blurted out “yeah, we hate the Bitch!” Followed by him getting all mad. F then tries to explain her stance, Followed by ex bff saying that she was playing the victim. I tried to pacify him and apologize, and he seemingly was ok until he was like “I’m still mad at you OP.” DESPITE ME TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT I WAS NOT TRYING TO RUB SALT IN HIS WOUNDS OR ISSUE AN ULTIMATUM.

So a week later, he messages me “I’ve given you enough time to apologize but you didn’t so I don’t want to be your friend. Enjoy the rest of your life.” And deleted me from social media. And I ugly cried at work and got sent home early.

To summarize: this is someone who got busted selling drugs and got his college acceptances revoked, leading to him attending college in another country. His parents were chill af about it. Mine would have let me rot in prison and I’d be dead to them.

Then, spends time skipping class to play dota and smoke weed in his dorm room. To the point he loses attendance and repeats the semester. Not once, BUT TWICE. My parents, assuming they let the drug dealing slide, would fly out to beat my ass. HIS DID NOT. 

So, taking all this and the fact that his gf pretty much ENABLED all of that just Bc she was made the center of his universe. I already know IATA for reading his Skype chats, but AITA overall in this situation?

TLDR: AITA for holding years of resentment in from my former best friends gf treating me disrespectfully and saying I hate her just as the relationship is about to be an LDR

