Backstory:  I've never been the most socially skilled person, heck you could say I'm bad at it. When growing up I only ever really interacted with a small handful of people, so I'm usually a little lacking on social cues. I've also had an irrational fear that my friends never really cared about me, and just kinda showed they did to be nice or look good or something. I know it's stupid and I know they do actually care, but it's just something my mind likes to tell me every once in a while. It’s usually a problem and I can ignore it. I’ve had the same group of friends for about 8 years, and for the past year and a half we’ve been getting together weekly to play games and hang out. 

This happened in August. One of the guys from the group, I’ll call him John, was telling my fiance about how he thinks I’m a jerk and he’s not close to me or anything, and hasn’t been since we’ve started our weekly hang out. Saying I just make fun of him all the time. TBF we all usually joke with each other a lot, though if someone goes too far we say something. He never once told me I was taking it too far or that he felt disrespected, and I had no idea that he felt that way. He would just act the way he always did around me. We got together as a group to talk about it and when I heard it really hit me hard. Not only that what I thought was just joking between friends was actually hurtful, but also that for over a year he was basically lying to me, pretending like we were still friends. I actually broke down in front of my friends from that. I tried apologizing and saying that I never meant it like that and that I cared for him, but that I felt betrayed as I trusted my friends to be able to talk to me about anything. Like I said, I’ve always had the fear that my friends don’t really care, then boom it kinda happened. He didn’t really accept my apology and didn’t think I deserved one in return, saying that I was completely in the wrong and he did nothing bad. Nothing really got resolved and we just tried to move on from there, but he no longer showed up for game night. 

A couple weeks ago another one of my friends started going off in our group chat that I was being a jerk to John and that I was excluding him from everything and basically abusing him and had no room to ask for an apology. I was at work when this was all going on but when I went through it on my break I almost had a panic attack, and brought back those old fears. I have done nothing to exclude John from our group or anything to attack him. It’s been a rough couple weeks since then, and it’s been on my mind the entire time. I’ve already tried to apologize once and it was rejected, plus he doesn’t really care about how I was hurt. AITA for wanting an apology after I was hurt or am I the one who is completely to blame for this?

TL;DR: My friend thinks I’m bullying him and hides it for over a year, then doesn’t feel bad when my feelings are hurt.