Is NOBODY wrong in the post ? POST : My fiancé has told me, in not so many words, that a family member sexually abused him as a child. He claims he’s never really told anyone and he wouldn’t tell me who it was. I got the impression that it’s someone I know, or have met. The way he talked about it gave me the idea that he didn’t want to stir the family pot by fessing up. Again, no specifics though, he wouldn’t tell me anything else.

That was over a year ago. Tonight, we were telling each other stories from our childhood. I just tried to bring it up gently, asking if he was willing to talk about it, and he said, “Why would you ask me about that? I’ll come to you if I want to talk about it.”

This will be our third year together and I’m concerned that he hasn’t talked about it at all. I’m pretty confident that he may not have ever mentioned it again if I hadn’t asked.  We have a great relationship, save for some anger issues on his end (can’t talk about much in-depth stuff or question his logic without frustration or resignation) but he’s never remotely been physically aggressive or sexually forceful towards me. He does seem to like being sexually deviant or into “weird shit” (define at your own discretion) but nothing harmful or masochistic. He’s a big, strong guy, and always has the persona of being “in charge”. He’s very anti-therapist, having been to quite a few , and apparently never meeting one he felt comfortable with, nor gained or any benefit from.

My worry is that a) he’s dealing with something that’s really gonna wear on him (and in turn, us) over time, b) our future children are going to potentially be around someone in his family who is abusive and I won’t know, even if he does, and c) I feel as though I’ve told him everything about myself, including assaults and family trauma in my past and, while I recognize that it’s very hard to talk about, it’s important to me to go into our marriage without secrets, especially big ones like this.

We’re planning on a long engagement, so there’s no impending date to worry about, but I obviously want to marry him, and I hate the idea of being not fully aware of who he is and what he’s gone through. 

Was I wrong for bringing it up a year later? Should I let it go?