I'm kind of afraid to ask this. Reddit can be unreasonably harsh.  But fuck it. 

  
My girlfriend is younger than I am by 18 years, so I accept that she's either less mature than I, and in many cases downright immature. She's difficult and stubborn and demanding all while being, at times, cruel and cold. On the other hand, she's also funny and loving and bubbly and giving to my children, thoughtful to those who I care about and affectionate. The sex is amazing, and she's adventurous. We do things that most of my friends envy when it comes up in conversation. All this is to say that, like every one, she has her positives and negatives. Far more positives in my eyes. 

&amp;#x200B;

Over the last year, she cheated on my several times (admitted to only one). I broke up with her for 3 months during which she low-key stalked me, mostly just to remind me that she's still thinking about me. I held strong, however,  until a moment of weakness and loneliness caused me to reply to her 1,000,000th text message from the 1,000,000th phone number she generated to bypass the blocks I put on her.  


While broken up, I had been talking to an old friend who I had always had feelings for. We talked and talked and realized we wanted to make a go of it. To compare the two on the most basic of levels, as we all do when forced to choose, I say that they are equally as beautiful, each have their own personality flaws and charms that attract me intensely and just by being them, offer some things that are very important to me. A difficult choice, and I didn't want to be in the position to choose.   


But I WAS in that position, and I had to make the choice. At first I chose the old friend. The scales weighted in her favor because she knows how to apologize and accept responsibility for the things she should, unlike my current girlfriend. In fact, the only time I can recall her apologizing, it was for minor things and only when she was fully aware I was trying to make a choice that might involve her being set aside for something more trustworthy. I digress - I chose the old friend, and told my ex that she needed to stay away, stop stalking, as I was spending the weekend with the old friend.   


That made the ex lose it. She suddenly became every single thing I wanted her to be. She was thoughtful and kind and didn't offend with sideways comments, followed the basic guidelines for any respectful and mutually beneficial relationship and made me feel like I always wanted. I didn't fall for it right away. I still went through with the weekend with my old friend. That went really well, and she professed her love for me, both in the past and currently.   


However - my ex was there on Monday being the best person she can be - and when she's trying and cares - I have never experienced such bliss. I was elated that the woman I wanted was being the woman I needed. I still said no. I told her I couldn't because of the trust. She promised she would move in and show me she can be trusted. 

So, whether it was/is a mistake or not, I decided to take a break from the old friend, step back and slow things down with her. Thankfully my old friend thought that was okay, and I had a conversation with the Ex about expectations and how we would build trust again.   


I made it clear to the Ex that if we were going to do this, she needs to understand that I desperately want to, but can't/don't trust her, and it will take some time and experience with her to get that feeling again. The love and lust and passion was all still there, and even brighter than before, and she said she understood (although she STILL hasn't apologized for cheating specifically), and made some simple promises. 1) She would move back in. 2) She would stop talking about her exes and their sexual exploits in daily anecdotes. (I swear this girl could find a way to weave in any sexual story you could imagine into any conversation, no matter how irrelevant.) When I call her on it, remind her that it's not polite and makes me uncomfortable, she makes it seem like I'm somehow a pussy for caring or makes a comment about me saying my ex-wife's name - despite her being an actual part of my life and being required to talk to her daily about my kids. and 3) she would sleep at home, not end up at a party and crash - that's how she cheated in the single time she'll admit to - "I was drunk and mad and I regretted it when I woke".   


Okay - that's the long history. So a couple weeks ago, she told me she had plans to sleep at her grandmother's. I was concerned... greatly. This is new behaviour, her grandmother lives 10 minutes away from me, and what 23 year old has a sleepover with her grandparents on a friday night. But I agreed to it, and she, of her own volition, sent me pictures and videos all night long and the next morning to prove to me she was where she said she was.   


Let me just say this - I told her that I will not control her actions. I cannot. I don't want to. But I do get to make decisions about what I will do based on her actions. Essentially, I said that if she opts to ignore my concerns and insecurities caused by her infidelity, or if I suspect she's cheating again, I won't be a sucker again.  I would just move on.  And most likely with the Old Friend. I don't want to see any comments about me being controlling.   


Fast forward to this morning. I agreed to three-way sex with her younger-still girlfriend whom she seems to have affection toward. She's begged me for months to agree to bring a second woman in the bed and when I conceded it was to make her happy. I'm concerned that they're having their own relationship in tandem with ours, but I figured caving in to her desires came with fringe benefits and it would keep her happy and focused on our relationship. 

This morning she said she was staying at her parents house so she could be up and ready for a court appearance at 8am. She said it's easier for her to get up and shower and be ready to go with her dad to court. 

Except that the first 2 weeks, when it was super important she get my attention, she got up every morning and showered here and got to work for 8. She has to be at court by 8:30. 1/2 hour closer than her work. She says it's to spend time with her parents - except she gets home at 9:30, and they are all in bed by then. Especially on Monday. She says it's so she can sleep better. Except she sleeps like a baby here if she's not been drinking all night. 

I told her none of her excuses hold water, none made sense, and even if they did, we are trying to work through trust issues. Her staying at her parents for no reason, 3 minutes away with shit excuses is the opposite of that. She said I was being selfish, stressing her out, not being fair, etc. She says she's sobbing at work now, and it's all my fault. 

My friends tell me i made a mistake, they told me i was making a mistake when I took her back, I know I was, and this is not unexpected, but I love her. Intensely. Obviously. I have other, 'better options' from an outside perspective, but from my point of view, she's the only choice.  But I won't be cheated on again.... I'll break up with her first. That's my only protection from feeling like I am that fuckup in Offspring's 'Self-Esteem' song. If I'm not already. 

So what do you think? AITA?  


TLDR: too much nuance, TLDR wouldn't help me get an answer I need. 