Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : AITA?

Sorry for the length...thank you for reading. 

A little back story: I have been seeing my boyfriend for going on 3 years and we have a beautiful son. The first time I ‘met’ her she made it clear to ignore and avoid me before I was finally introduced to her formally. (We were all casually hanging at a bar she says hi to everyone but skips over me) she pulls him away and continues to ignore me. No big deal. No harm no foul. I didnt even know that was his good friend until after, but I figured she should know I was the person he was seeing and would say hello. Even if I was a newcomer people typically say hello to new people. 

Throughout our relationship she never really makes an effort to get to know me. She only ever wants to hang out with him at the bar and prefers if it is just him. 

A few times we have all been hanging out with friends she always manages to pull him away from the group to have these close conversations in which she is very touchy with him. Her close girlfriends have told me that she does that to make sure she is the closest to him. They warned me that she would do this to me as well. 4 of her own close friends have said to me something of a similar nature.  I was sure of myself and don’t feel threatened by her in any capacity. She is not a stunning looker and she lives with her mom still. I have never even felt the need to ask my boyfriend if their relationship was ever anything more. 

As time progresses there are instances of her just... what I am assuming is... trying to put me in my place. She posted a picture of herself kissing my boyfriend on the cheek on her Instagram story. I was pissed. Thats blatantly disrespectful in my eyes. They explained it away and said it was no big deal. Another night we were out, she borrows his jacket to wear because she forgot hers. She is a bigger girl and instead of asking another one of the single guys who are her size she asks my boyfriend who is smaller than she is.  I feel insane being upset at this but the demeanor and history makes me look at it in a shady kind of way.  Yet another night him and I are standing by the dance floor waiting for a good song, holding hands. She comes up behind us and physically breaks our hands apart so that she can run to the dance floor too. And nearly any time we are out she becomes too touchy with him. Not the normal hugs and such. But talking to him like a girlfriend would. Leaning into him holding on to his chest or shirt. Another time she showed up on his guys trip with his best friend (a trip that I obviously cant go on) and posted a ton of pics of her with my BF. 

It has just been a series of small petty shit that sneakily insinuates her disrespect for me and my relationship with him. I have told my bf that I feel I should talk to her woman to woman but he knows her better and says its not necessary. 

I know many opinions are going to focus on my boyfriends role in this and I agree. It has been a point of contention that he just doesn’t see or want to acknowledge that he needs to give it to her straight. Tell her to cut the shit. I don’t believe their friendship will change if she just cuts the shit. Given these things it is difficult to really start a friendship with her. I’m not into the competition thing...

For a point of reference I get along with all of his other female friends and have become close with some of them. My boyfriend does NOT reciprocate her actions and is not touchy feely with her at all. 

Back to the present:
We are out for a friends Birthday. She shows late and gives me a half hearted wave after hugs to everyone. Whatever I couldn’t care less. She means nothing in my life. But the rest of the night she pulls my boyfriend away. I cannot even dance or hang out with him unless I go track them down and interrupt them. No exaggeration. Again I blame him as well. We didn’t come have him disappear most of the night with her. The first few times I go up friendly and ask him to dance. She looks annoyed and glares at me and continues to keep talking to him. He seems torn but comes with me anyways. He doesn’t want to be in that uncomfortable situation and it’s understandable. She had made mention in front of me using their friendship as something unbreakable. I feel that she holds their long history over our relationship and he buys into it being that “relationships can come and go, but friends are forever”...

The final straw of the same night was when we leave to a new bar and she pulls him away once again to the bar and they are together the entire time we are there. People are asking me where he is and I don’t know until I have to track them down in the crowd or at a bar. I pulled him aside to mention wth was going on and he said he was here with me. Ok cool he sees it. A few minutes later we are socializing and doing whatever you do at the bar and I see them again together at the bar getting a drink. No big deal. It turns into 10 minutes then 20.... she is leaning on him and grabs his head a plants a kiss on his cheek. That pushes my boundary and have had enough of her shady actions that night. I go to them and ask what the hell is going on and what is so important that they are chatting the whole night. (Just her talking about some drama with herself, she is always in the middle of some drama) We (her and I) start yelling at one another and the bouncers say they are going to ask us to leave if we don’t stop. She asks what my problem with her is and I attempt to tell her. She over talks me saying how much she tries with me and how much respect she has had for me. I suggest we talk about all this outside. We go outside and once we are away from the group and my boyfriend, her whole attitude changes. She doesn’t even try to hear anything I want to explain (I was heated but calm enough to not get out of control). She goes for low blows and begins bringing up rough patches in my relationship that I thought were private. She says he tells her everything and asks “ you think he really loves you... no” and “I love when you are threatened by me. I makes me feel so good”. I can’t keep talking to this chick. And leave with my BF. He was on my side but not fully. He kept trying to tell me to give her a chance. He said he won’t choose and I would never ask him to. 

I had no intentions to start anything on a night we were celebrating someone’s birthday.  

Am I missing some perspective here? I feel that is is difficult to explain these vibes that I get from her and because no one is in my shoes they think I am over-reacting. 

Am I the asshole for not “giving this person a chance” in the first place, letting it get to a boiling point and losing it with her?



UPDATE: Firstly, what a wild Reddit ride it has been the last day. I have tried to read and respond as much as I can. Being that his career involves working 24 hour shifts we have had 3 days of “space”....I still need more and have planned to stay else where for a while. 
 
Your comments have put my feelings into words and I feel somewhat clearer in that aspect. 

I don’t know how or what will be the next step here but I know it won’t be easy. 

Thank you all. 


UPDATE 2: the turmoil has gotten worse and we are looking at an extended “break”. I need to get back to putting myself first so that I can be a strong mother and woman. He needs to figure out if he can prioritize our relationship and family or if it will continue to be himself and his friends that are always first. I am seeking a family therapist to give us guidance during this break because honestly we have both dug this hole that we have found ourselves in and if we think that just time and space will fix anything. We are being idiots. Even if the relationship doesn’t continue we will need to coparent. And at this point if he disrespected me in our relationship I expect that it may be the same in our coparenting relationship. And that leaves us in an even shittier position because I will feel helpless in times that he has my son and I cannot rely on him to parent in a way that is respectful to whatever wishes I have. Even with counseling, it is ultimately up to him to want to accept the reality of what it takes to have a family together with me or not. 