I am clinically diagnosed with depression and I’ve struggled against severe episodes in the past few years.

I am currently dating the nicest girl on the planet. Let’s call her A. A is a smart, attractive, and independent woman and I think that I do not deserve her. We met each other over a year ago and got attracted right away. 

I like her; the thing is, I am not ready to get into a relationship right now. I had just broken up with my fiancée of three years last 2017 and we did not have any closure. I’m broken. I cannot feel anything, much more love something or someone.

A and I got closer in the last year; closest that I’ve let anyone been with me in an emotional and intellectual sense. She would cheer me up when I am not feeling well; call me out when I’m being an asshole; and, essentially, walked me through my worst days. She has been very patient with me and she showered me with so much love. She is perfect and I only want the best for her. Except that, I know I am not capable of being so. I am still finding myself and I am unsure of what I want yet. 

We parted ways last month and it was the most painful goodbye I’ve had. I cried really hard. She now lives ten time zones away but we still keep in contact. The other day she asked me where things are going. She said she is at a crossroad and she is planning on building the next five years of her life and she would prefer if I am in it. However, she wants to know whether I want her in my life so she can decide whether to hold on or let go.

The question drove me insane. I like her so much. It’s just that I am not sure about ANYTHING right now. I am not sure about her but I don’t want her out of my life as well. I have never been a better person until she came. It’s just that, I know I am not ready for another long distance relationship. All I want right now is to determine what the next few years of my life would be and I don’t want to build my future around one person nor do I want other people to do the same for me. 

Am I the asshole for telling her that I cannot decide for now? 