Throwaway account, because I'm about to expose an ugly, vindictive side of myself. This isn't who I am, but it is who I'm being today apparently. 

Short version of a long story: we all live together. My friend rejected me and within two weeks was sneaking into our other friend's room (right next door to mine) at night. She knew how I felt. They had no immediate plans to tell me, and it only came out when they made some bad drunken decisions.

They're clearly remorseful and did not intend for this to happen. When they say they didn't tell me out of fear of what it would do to our friendship, I believe them. He's even gone as far as to check on me when we all left for Christmas with our families.

The WIBTA part: I'm only intermittently angry about it anymore, even though it's only been a week. I know (or I tell myself that I know) that a relationship with him wouldn't have worked out long term anyway. I don't like that they're doing it, and I don't like that they were going behind my back, but I understand why it reached this point.

Just so we're clear, I'm hurt, but not to the point that I couldn't act normal and work on rebuilding the friendship as soon as we're all back together in the new year. 

The problem is that I don't want to. It feels like it isn't fair. Why should they say 'sorry about that', and then get each other and me too? Why am I always the second choice? Why does trusting people always end so badly for me? Why aren't I ever good enough?


I'm so sick and tired of trying so hard and giving myself to people and being walked all over like I'm too dumb to fight back, and having to walk away to maintain any shred of dignity. I feel like a pet. Stroke her head, give her a treat, and go right back to keeping her around for the banter and the bloody homework help.

I don't want to let them get away with it this time. These aren't the same friends that let me down before, and this isn't the same situation, but goddamn it I'm so sick of it and I want some sort of punishment. I want to look him in the face and say 'you can't have everything you want'. I want to tell her that I 'misplaced my trust'. And I want it to hurt. 

There's a lot besides this going on. My health, my family, my degree. And maybe that's why I'm so eager to overreact. 
I'm being spiteful. I am 100% being spiteful. There's nothing damaged here that can't be fixed. I just want to delay fixing it while I get to hold the power for a while. I'm tired and I'm stressy and I don't know when my life got so bloody messy, and I never get to be in control. Can you understand that?

I want to do a bad thing, but am I an asshole for feeling this way? 