Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : I’m the consummate lurker. Sorry if this (first) post turns out so long and unreadable.

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Sorry if this is better suited to relationships, but I’m so worried whether I’ve been the asshole or not. If that’s the verdict, I’ll be making changes / amends. I’m torn between wanting to be accommodating and realistic with my relationship, but also not be a doormat.

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This isn’t totally V-day (a dirty word for some people) centric. My bf’s and my 2.5 yr relationship hasn’t always been straightforward – we came to the table with very different approaches. I’ve (30) been in 2-3 of longer term relationships. Bf (32) tells me I am his first committed relationship; aside from that I know nothing about his romantic past. His Facebook is a closed book (photos very limited to any outside viewer on his page), and we didn’t know each other before 3 years ago. We live abroad so I’ve little potential for meeting his older friend. I don’t feel too comfortable asking questions about his past; when I have in the past it’s turned up some information I struggled with. I try not to ask questions in case I’m not prepared for the answers. In all other respects he’s a kind, loving and respectful partner.

I learnt quickly what seems ‘obvious’ to me probably won’t to him, and that’s ok. He has some anxiety issues and I think I adjusted to thinking of about things differently. Examples – agreeing to come to a party with me might not mean he’ll talk to anyone or last past 10 minutes; planning a night in together might not happen if he’s in a certain headspace and just needs to be in a different room by himself. I know some of my friends had views on that, but I have worked on changing my expectations, being more open about what means a lot to me, and trying to work within what is comfortable to him at different times.

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One thing about me I’ve tried to improve on is that I tend to get excited and look forward to things we plan to do together, so if we’ve been discussing going out for dinner on Friday all week and he needs to cancel, I can get sad. It’s an almost physical feeling of sadness and disappointment when something changes. I’ve worked on managing expectations and not looking forward to something until the last minute, and he’s worked on having a calendar of things somewhere obvious so he feels more accountable for commitments. We don’t do too much, maybe one or two planned thing a week, less if he is sick or tired.

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But there’s been a bit of a cumulative effect. I feel like my confidence is going; I’ve started looking at things I’d like to do as an imposition to him. Sometimes he’ll ask 2-3 times if I still want to do something, and by the 3rd time I’ll assume he’s still asking because he doesn’t want to do it, I feel like a burden and I feel guilt for making him go to that effort. I’ll then say we should cancel, because I feel like I’m forcing it otherwise.

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Managing my expectations works to an extent – I don’t assume I’ll get something silly like Christmas or birthday presents, I assume nothing for things like Valentines. However I like it – and I know if I want something (a Christmas dinner, a meal on Valentines) that I’m happy to plan it myself. This week however we had been having such a wonderful week – we had a big bit of good news early in the week, his anxiety seemed good, so I got a little too hopeful on the 13th and sent a text “I’ll be cooking us steak tomorrow, I forgot to mention, but if possible, it would be great if you could contribute to dinner tomorrow night (a) a bottle of wine (b) a small amount of flowers or (c) some kind of chocolate / dessert item xx Just one of the above would be appreciated :D”. I got back a heart, and “I was planning to get something you know.. I mean after you reminded me it was valentines day” which I had done, when telling him I would be cooking dinner on Thursday.

So I thoughtlessly took that to mean that he would be able to contribute one of those things, and stupidly thought it might even mean he had planned something that I hadn’t asked for.

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Come V day I had shopped, bought and was ready to prepare snacks and a pricier steak dinner. I took longer off work to go to a medical appointment so I could stop and get a better type of food than we usually eat, as a treat for v-day and to celebrate the good news earlier in the week that he had suggested going out to celebrate, but for another reason we did not get around to doing.

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His plans changed slightly, so was home before me and for the whole evening. He made a comment about still planning to walk into town “to get ‘those’ items”. I felt bad, and suggested the easiest of the three items – a bottle of wine from the store about 400m away from our house, and say that would be great. He doesn’t drink wine as routinely as me, and has said he finds it hard to buy sometimes, but I just said maybe he could get something he likes and we might both enjoy with dinner.

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The hours pass and I get snacks out for both of us, and he takes a bath. I start to cook dinner and he comes up to ask if I still really want wine. I feel guilty - it's winter out, too - and say only if he would drink some; he asks a couple more times and I say no, not to worry.

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I get disappointed and I think he can tell I’m feeling sad. I try to ignore it until it passes – go on cooking dinner, chatting, trying to not act differently. But it’s not the wine, it’s the effort I guess. It’s that he said he would. I get a little more sad, I feel silly for forcing things by cooking dinner. I can tell he had seen I’m a bit off – quieter – as he starts to hang around more, and ask to help cook (food was done) and be more cuddly / attentive. I start to feel less like spending time together. Just…sad. Later he cuddles up to me like he wants to be intimate, which is a big deal as he is less often interested in that, and as a result I leave it up to him to initiate pretty much always, so I don’t put him in the position of having to brush me off. I think this is one of the only times in our relationship I don’t respond to ‘advances’. I can’t make myself feel warm and stop feeling sad, so I agree when he asks if I want to be alone. I want to get the feeling out my head, so say to him I am feeling ‘grumpy’ and wish he would not say he is going to do something if he won’t do it. He doesn’t remember the message saying he had planned to contribute to the night, and doesn’t remember me saying the wine would be great, only that eventually I told him not to bother. He looks like he’s going to cry, that I’ve made him feel bad for putting the pressure on him on a stupid holiday, and I feel guilty like I should console him and make up.

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Today I just feel sad. I feel like I’m the asshole, and I should just manage my expectations better – this is such a tiny thing. But it’s having cumulative effects: I don’t look forward to things like planned dinners any more- even if we go, maybe he’ll be in a mood to rather be along and it won’t be fun. I don’t feel turned on anymore until we’re way into foreplay – what if he pulls away 5 minutes in and I’m already invested. I shouldn’t have asked for anything or ‘bought into’ valentines, I’m an idiot. But AITA? It's not his holiday, he didn't want to hurt me on purpose, and I just made him feel guilty and pushed him away when he wanted to try and be close.