I'm a freshman in high school, very depressed and lonely freshman. I make music and smoke a lot of weed and shit. I'm a pretty disappointing person. First day of high school, I met "SM". SM was very nice to me and was just so innocent yet I really connected with her. Before I go to bed every night there's a few people I text saying good night and reminding them that I care for them and whatever. She was one of those people, I wouldn't go a week without making sure she knew I loved her and I was here for her.  


I only have 6th and 7th period with SM but she would love my stupid, funny, random, and short jokes I'd make. She once said, "I want to grow up with you and for you to be the big brother I never had." That meant a lot to me cause I myself, always wanted to be someone's bigger sibling, and after finding out I had 3 brothers I'll never get to meet, it kinda crushed my heart. But I think about that moment a lot. I have very scary/realistic flashbacks from trauma and abuse as a little child. I always think of that moment she said that. In the back of the class, watching some super hero movie, and she says that to me and I look at her with a smile and she lays her head on my back while I lay my head on my desk. That moment is a lot for me, for reasons I cannot explain.

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November comes, I get admitted to a mental hospital. I have chronic depression, depressive disorder, and so many other things. I was addicted to self harm at the time as even feeling pain was feeling something. Before I went in, her and I had a little fight, and my first night in, I just cried myself to sleep knowing I never said sorry. I got out and I explained everything. I didn't explain the flashbacks yet as I never told anybody until the mental hospital I had them. But I explained about everything, and she dropped me. SM basically said she didn't want to be friends with me because she didn't want to turn out like me. Note, at this point I just got hurt from my relationship being ended for no reason, and now my best friend is dropping me. Double note, I have been in and out the mental hospital a few times since November. 

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To this day, I still wonder if it's my fault I lost her. I wasn't mean to her, but I would make slight jokes just like any big brother would do lol. Her friends say I was mean to her but I don't understand. I was so nice to her and I even tried to change my personality for her during our friendship. Now here's where I want to specify something. Since I got out the mental hospital about November 5th-8th, I forgot which date, I went completely sober. Then after she cut me off it was difficult to not keep smoking weed, taking xanax, and all that other bad shit. On Wednesday this week I bought 2 joints and smoked 1 with my friends. We got high as shit. The other night I had some flashbacks and an anxiety attack that all stemmed from me thinking of how I lost SM. I smoked the other joint and was so high I got hella sick, all because I still don't have clarity from this situation. I still want to die knowing it's kinda my fault. Now the question is, is SM wrong for leaving me when I need her the most? Or am I in the wrong for making her hate me?