Throwaway for obvious reasons

I(20M) met my current girlfriend(19F) in high school. She is very smart, funny, nice, and beautiful. I felt very lucky that she showed interest in me and even eventually agreed to go out with me. Early into our relationship, guys were warning me around school not to get involved with her because apparently she had a reputation of being a tease. I never heard anything about it and I liked her too much to listen to that stuff.  After 3ish months together and doing nothing beyond light kissing, I started to wonder if maybe the rumors were true. I asked her about it and she told me that she has that reputation because she comes from a religious background and doesn’t want to have sex before marriage. Guys always broke up with her when she refused to sleep with them and that’s why she never told me. I admit I was disappointed, but I didn’t care enough to stop going out with her. She was perfect in every other way and honestly she still is.

Over time though I started to notice that she isn’t that religious at all. I have no problem with that but I was frustrated that she was only religious in this one spot of her life. After 2 years together, I asked her about it. She told me that she does in fact want to have sex with me but after being raised with this mindset, it’s hard for her to shake it. She asked me to give her some time and she will be ready. Well, after about 2 years and 7 months together, she was finally ready. We started a sexual relationship. It sadly wasn’t at all like I’d been dreaming it would be. She was very timid in bed. She was only willing to do certain positions and most of the time it seemed more like a chore for her than something she wanted, even if she had been the one who initiated it. I’m not violent but I personally enjoy being a bit more aggressive in bed and she does not respond well to that at all. It started to believe that she is not attracted to me and this put a strain on our relationship.

Now we have been together 3 years and 3 months. She started attending therapy for her depression a few months ago which I fully supported, but something came out that I was not expecting. She sat me down and told me that in therapy she had been discussing previous sexual abuse she experienced. It was brutal stuff. I won’t go into detail out of respect but family members had raped her for years of her childhood. She explained that this is the reason for her holdups in bed, and she used religion as an excuse in our relationship because she didn’t want to tell me she had been abused (she’s never told anyone before, I’m the only person besides her therapist who knows) but she also didn’t want to have sex because it gives her PTSD. She cried as she told me about some of the sick stuff she went through, and promised to work on it so that our relationship will be stronger.. I felt a lot of emotions, mostly heartbreak.

It’s been about 2 weeks since the truth came out. I want to be there for her but I can’t help but look at her differently. I keep thinking about how much she lied to me over the years to keep this secret, and I don’t want to be angry about it but I sort of am. She has opened up to me a lot and I listen, but most of the time I don’t want to. I hate how what they did to her. I don’t want to hear about it, I miss how it was when I didn’t know. I hate admitting this but I wish she never told me. I don’t know how to respond to this, and I certainly don’t know how I’m supposed to help her. I don’t want to have sex with her anymore because I don’t want her to think of them while she’s with me. I’m afraid that she will bring it up when we are together. I feel bad because I’m the only one she can talk to about this besides her therapist also I recognize how much she must trust me to tell me this, I don’t think I’m the right guy to be with someone so damaged. When I thought she was just religious, I could get over that but now I realize that even if we are married one day, this will be a lifelong battle for her. And for me, as her partner. 

She sensed my discomfort and asked me if it bothers me when she talks about it. I told her the truth, yes it does. She started crying and apologizing and I immediately felt guilty and told her I didn’t mean it. Since then she hasn’t brought it up again, she’s very quiet now. I regret saying anything.

 Some part of me wants to run, I just would hate to lose someone so amazing. She really is the most amazing girl, I cannot say that enough. I know this abuse was not her fault at all. I’m wondering if this is a normal initial response from a S/O of sexual abuse or if I really am just an asshole. If it’s a normal response, I will stick it out longer and see how it goes. If I’m just an asshole who is going to keep feeling this way, I think I should break up with her. I still love her so much. If I break up with her now I’m also scared she will know that this is why and be scarred from opening up about it again forever. 

WIBTA to leave her? WIBTA to stay? Idk. 