Was married 10ish years, 2 children, and I ended our marriage last year. Ex and I both had depression and anxiety at some point (I had pretty bad post natal depression both times and while I'd love to say he was super supportive and caring, he really wasn't.). He was incredibly difficult to live with, has a lot of autistic traits I didn't see in the beginning. I tried to involve him in caring for the kids, attending their appointments, but he had no patience with them and I often had to step in to avoid a meltdown. He did nothing to help keep the house in order, inside or out, despite both of us working and me pleading for help. Both of our children have autism and I believe he does as well. In the end I couldn't take any more, I'd begun to resent him because I felt unheard and unappreciated, more like his mother and maid than his wife or partner. I'm not perfect, I know he felt like I was too controlling and I'll admit that I probably was. Our children thrive on routine and it was always left to me to ensure it happened, my own anxiety was a factor in this as well. I didn't think either of us were particularly happy in our relationship but he claims he was.

I'm in a really good place now, happier than I've ever been. The children have been spending 7 nights / fortnight with him and 7 with me (split into 5/2/2/5, not 7 straight) and they're coping really well with that. He isn't. He is deeply depressed and needs a lot of help (which he is slowly getting but has had to be hospitalised). Obviously the best thing for the children is that they spend the majority of their time with me until he's back on his feet. I respect him as a person and he's a good father. He thinks I'll end up taking them and they won't want to see him any more.

I've accepted the fact his family and our friends (none of whom are speaking to me) think I'm the asshole here. I tried so hard to support him while taking care of the kids and their needs and the house and working but in the end I couldn't do it. He's hurt, and he's having a breakdown that has been coming for years, and I'm well aware that what I did was selfish but it was also self preservation.

Am I the asshole?