TL;DR - Ex of 4 years and I are talking about getting back together, she started hanging out with someone in the 9 months her and I were apart who has become abusive.  I want to get back together with her and

My ex and I dated for about 4 years prior to us breaking up about 9 months ago.  I initiated the break up due to emotional issues stemming from my father's death in August 2017 (I was having a lot of difficulty processing and expressing emotions healthily and she is already a very emotional person and I kept asking myself "How am I supposed to take care of your emotional needs when i can't even take care of my own?"  I've since learned that letting people in is not weakness, as well as made progress towards getting past being constantly affected by the loss of the greatest man I've ever known).  At the time, she had said she would like to remain friends and we actually made earnest and sincere efforts to be friends; hanging out at neutral and public locations, paying for ourselves if food/drink/entertainment became involved, etc.  A few weeks ago, it came to a point where we realized the feelings were still there, mutually, but that we would need to talk more about how it was going to work between us (it used to be very one-sided in my direction and I want to put the balance more towards the middle) if we were to get back together.  So we began talking about getting back together and we still are.

During all this time, she started hanging out another guy.  I was fine with this because we were broken up at the time and he seemed like a good friend to her.  Until a lot of things happened to make me feel the opposite.  Without going too deep into it and making this a stupidly long post, he has an abusive streak that he's using to control her.  In recent months, he's had her cosign for a brand new motorcycle and rejected getting a used car, isolated her from most of her friends, and move in with him into an apartment that she can barely afford half the rent on (and he can't pass a tenant screening so she's on the hook for that, too).  If she were to take on the amount of time necessary for her to afford more plus bills, she would have to quit school.  Everytime I come to her place, I'm told by her to just not engage (I do not like this "man" and refuse to do him the courtesy of hiding it from my face).  When I leave, he gets in her face and tries to intimidate her accusing her of bringing me over to have sex (the woman was on the floor shaking in obvious medical distress and he said, "You're a needy little cunt, aren't you?" and left.  I was there to help take care of her.).

I have told her that she needs to get out of there, I have pointed out all the red flags, and she has been told how all of those were also things done to her by her mother (very abusive childhood).  I have also said that I can't control what she does with her life or who she hangs out with when we date again, but I have told her that if we moved in together, he will not be welcome in my home and I refuse to make him feel welcome in my home (still debating whether I'm even going to *let* him feel welcome in my home.  I am aware that it would be her home, too.).  She is still intent on being friends with him.  I haven't dropped the "It's either him or me," line and I'm afraid of it coming to that because I'm not sure I would win but more importantly, it would put a huge strain on our relationship and I'm not sure we would outlast it before she realized that getting away from him was a good thing.  Am I the asshole for wanting her to get this guy out of her life before her and I get back together and try to find a place to live?




