My wife and I are mid 40s and have been married over a year.  She has this friend (J) that about 3 years ago, down in Mexico, got drunk and started talking bad about my wife (then my GF) in front of strangers the entire day and then at the end of the night, got into a physical altercation with my wife.  My wife called me at like 2:00am from Mexico, crying, told me what happened and said she was driving off in the rental car to get to the airport (she left J in the hotel room) and was coming home.  The entire way back to the States she kept calling me upset, etc.  J was also going through a divorce at the time because she got busted cheating on her husband with a coworker, who she also gave herpes to.  My wife has known J for 20 years.  J is also in her 40s.  

After the Mexico thing happened, my wife told me she was going to cut J out of her life because she didn't need toxic people like that around her.  I thought this was a wise move.  My wife hasn't heard much from J over the past 3 years but has received the occasional reach out, "I'm sorry" type of text to which she replied politely to but never more than that.  My wife has said, when she chooses to shut a door, it stays shut.

So, a couple of days ago, my wife runs into J at a store and J starts crying and saying how sorry she was, etc.  My wife tell me this and I can only say that I don't like J but ultimately it was not really my thing, it was between her and J.

My wife got very defensive and said I wasn't supportive and that I only know bad stuff about J (which is true) and that we have all done stupid things like J did in Mexico.  I said yeah, maybe when I was like 21 or something, sure I may have gotten drunk and gotten rowdy but even then I don't remember cutting my friends down to make me look better and then fighting with them and I sure as hell don't remember doing anything like that in my 40s.

I said from what I know of J she is unstable, selfish, toxic, mean, etc and I don't think she has a place in my life but if you want to give her a chance, that is up to you, just don't expect me to like her because I don't.

This turned into a major fight with my wife about how I should be supportive and how I don't really know J.  I told my wife, "up until a few days ago, you thought the same way I did and only changed once you ran into J".  

I'm not sure what my wife wants from me.  I don't think many mid 40s women act like J did.  I don't want any drama or crazy around my wife or kids.  I can understand how J has good qualities as well but I just don't have a good vibe about her, even less so now that J is single and doing God knows what.

Now, my wife thinks I'm an asshole and all I was really trying to do was be honest about how I felt.  I haven't changed my mind, I still don't like J and I think she is trouble but I will try and be supportive of my wife for my wife's sake.

AITA?
