So this is how me (40M) and my wife's (46F) Valentine's romantic dinner without the kids was ruined. Talking about how to get our somewhat overweight kid more healthy, she said every meal has to include lots of salad. I pointed out that typically I cook vegetarian anyway - for example last night's meal was whole-meal pasta with (lots of) vegetables cooked in a tomato sauce - and that I don't think such meals typically need salad. At this point I could tell by her standard signals that she had suddenly got fairly upset. She started talking about how she has a right to salad at every meal. It's relevant at this point that I do about 2/3 of the cooking and my cooking is more work - she is more likely to do instant food, I chop more vegetables. She does sometimes add, say, a raw carrot to what I have provided, but by no means always. I said that when I cook, I feel like I'm providing a complete meal, and so I would feel put out if she was to add salad to it when I didn't as cook deem it necessary. I said this isn't a strange way to feel as someone who has cooked a meal for their family.

In repeated circles of argument, I have pointed out that I have never and will never stop her eating salad, but I can't help that I feel like meals I provide should be regarded as sufficient, so I can't help feeling slightly put out if she acts like they are not, by adding salad at the last minute when I cooked something I didn't intend to include salad with.

It's relevant that in her culture (Swedish) it is more normal to have a salad with absolutely everything, and not in mine (British). I pointed out that I understand her food-related desires and therefore will never try to stop her adding salad to what I cook, but I also pointed out I feel like she is making no attempt to understand how I feel.

Her repeated response was "You have dropped a bomb-shell. I need salad with every meal but now I know every time I make salad when you cook you'll be feeling bad about it, this is terrible". And she remained really angry and has now gone to bed angry.

I feel like she has over-reacted, that she got quickly angry rather than calmly allowing us to explore each other's valid but conflicting feelings. But perhaps I'm in fact the ass-hole (or as we Brits say arsehole)?
