Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : To preface, I[22M] just got recently married to my wife[20F] yet we don’t live together quite yet. She is living with her parents and her 4 siblings about 1000 miles from where I am. I am in the Marines and we intend to move in together when she finishes up her semester of school.

A few months ago my wife was discussion abuse in one of her classes and she developed a faint memory of something that had happened in the past. She brought it up with me and told me that she vaguely remembers her eldest brother telling her to strip for him. Because he did a favor for her that she owed a favor to him. He was in 7-9th grade(no one can remember exactly when apparently), and she was in 3rd-5th grade. 

Confused and disturbed by these memories she confided in her older sister[22F] and her older sister confirmed. Apparently the oldest sister was also sexually abused by him around the same time but she didn’t tell anyone for fear of “splitting the family up.” 

Upon this coming to light, the parents addressed the brother and he confessed. He also confessed that he abused the youngest sister[20F]. He even touched the youngest one.(she had no recollection of this). 

The parents sat my wife and her sisters down and told them that it was their responsibility to forgive him and to move it. The father encouraged that they interact with him. This made me irate. I was confused by all of this and i sent him this email: 

“Good Morning,


	It has come to my attention that (the eldest brother) had molested your three daughters. I am sending this email to express my concern and to obtain some clarity of the situation. 

	From my understanding, he was in 7th-9th grade and he abused his authority as the older sibling to receive sexual gratification from his sisters. He allegedly went as far as to touch the youngest. It is disturbing to learn that he is not only permitted, but also encouraged to spend time with the victims. It is equally disturbing that there is an attempt to normalize his behavior and to implore the daughters to interact with their perpetrator.

	It is certainly the case that your daughters will experience emotional and sexual trauma from doing this. All of the girls have been expressively distraught. There is sound reason that the legal system separates the abused from their abusers. The girls' respect for authority is what is silencing them and their respect for authority is what allowed them to be abused.

	I’ve heard the case be made that he was too young and naive to understand the damage he was causing. That is not the consensus of experts. I’ve researched the topic and I’ve only come across sources that express how inappropriate that behavior is. 

Example: "However, a fourteen-year-old boy who wants to look at his five-year old sister’s genitals is not showing normal curiosity. You need to ask why he wants to do this."
http://www.ksacc.ca/docs/sibling_sexual_abuse.pdf?LanguageID=EN-US

	Even if you exempt (the eldest brother) of fault, it is still likely damaging to your daughters to live with him. 

	In addition, I’ve gotten the opinion of a couple therapists and they have a serious concern about the situation. According to one of them, it is incredibly unlikely that (the eldest brother) has resolved his problem without any counseling or treatment. Also, they’ve emphasized the importance of the two parties not living together. 

	I was also informed, by the aforementioned therapist, that there are groups of people who maintain a position of authority that are legally obligated to report all accounts of known sexual abuse. One of them being pastors. You may be at risk of having your ordainment revoked should you continue to conceal these events from the authorities. 

https://www.pa-fsa.org/Mandated-Reporters/Understanding-Mandated-Reporting/Who-are-Mandated-Reporters  

https://www.pa-fsa.org/Mandated-Reporters/Understanding-Mandated-Reporting/What-are-a-Mandated-Reporters-Responsibilities

	Your concern about people outside of the family knowing is troublesome to me. The question as to whether this should be public or not is up to the daughters, in my opinion. Also, I think that it's important that they understand the severity of the situation and feel comfortable seeking help outside of the family. I am concerned that they are going to adopt a warped conception of what has happened that will negatively affect their families in the future. 

	I agree that it is important for them to forgive, but I am not convinced that (the eldest brother) has even moved on from these tendencies (given that he was never reprimanded or received counseling). Our God is one of forgiveness, but also of just punishment. 

	This comes from a place of love and compassion. (My wife) is distracted and upset by this, so hopefully we can find resolve. Counseling would be beneficial for everyone involved, so I will be notifying CPS and The PA Family Support Alliance.

Sincerely, 
A Frustrated Husband”

I sent this email after my wife said that she was disgusted to live with him and considered living in her car. The parents motioned like they were going to address the problem but they never did, they continually gave her the run around.

In response to the email my father in law wanted to skype with me. In the call he was civil but he explained to me how the behavior by his son was normal. He compared it to boys peeking into girls locker rooms out of sexually curiosity. But when he did it, my wife was expressively upset(crying) and he was willing to watch her suffer. To me, this is much more disturbing. 

I called CPS and they conducted an investigation. My mother in law took personal offense to my calling and now she is upset with me. CPS said that they should all consult with a therapist but because most the parties involved aren’t children anymore then they can’t do anything. This affirmed the fathers stance that this behavior was normal and nothing about the situation was resolved. My wives sisters agreed to move on and carry on with him, now my wife feels a bit alone in her disgust. 

After another month or so I sent them any second and last email, I said:

“Good Evening, 


	I would like to take the opportunity to follow up on our last conversation. True to my word, I had contacted child protective services and expressed my concern to them. I reported all of the details that you and I had discussed in our call. In doing so, it became clear that no one had reported it, contrary to your prior claims. From my understanding, you are upset with me for reporting it, but may I remind you that as a parent, and a pastor, it is your duty to report cases of sexual abuse. You are a mandatory reporter. 
	
	During the investigation, it was revealed to the representive that the molestation took place as a direct result of (the eldest brothers) inability to restrain himself after he lost access to pornography. This is not in line with the previous theory that this took place for reasons other than for sexual gratification. It is obvious that this was an act of perversion that is not normal for adolescent boys. Even if this theory did have any validity, (the eldest brother) delibertly abused his authority and watched his sister cry as he demanded that she strip for him. The action is reprehensible no matter how you paint it. 

	You had asked me what you could do to help (my wife) I think that this article would help you with that tremendously. The topics include the following:  

Denying or minimizing the abuse
Blaming and shaming the victim
Telling survivors to move on and stop focusing on the past
Shutting down their voices
Ostracizing survivors

Refusing to “take sides”
Pressuring survivors to make nice with their abusers


https://psychcentral.com/lib/7-ways-family-members-re-victimize-sexual-abuse-survivors/

Also, I think that you are doing her a disservice by trivializing her trauma and blaming other factors such as her work or her relationship. She is a victim of sexual abuse who is living with her abuser and thats the reason that she is distraught. She hardly feels any sympathy from those she lives with and she feels that it is her responsibility to “get over it” for the sake of the family. She is handling it remarkably well, and she is capable of making the decisions that are best for her. If she doesn’t seek a relationship with Julian, then don’t encourage one. 

	Let me know that you have received this. If you wish to discuss further then do so via email. 

	Everything that I have done is for the protection of (my wife) because she’s having a hard time coping right now. I am acting on my own devices and she should not be held accountable for anything that I say. 

(My name)”

It’s important to mention that they wanted me to join them for Thanksgiving but for me to conceal what happened from the rest of the family. They’re adamant about not letting anyone know. 

After this second email was sent my wife was livid. She attacked me and said that there was no reason to send this email. She called me malicious and attacked me. 

We’ve since resolved our tension and we’re on good terms. But her parents never responded to me. Around Christmas they hid all the presents and put the police’s phone numbers around the house because they feared that I was violent and the father threatened a restraining order after that email. My wife says that it warranted a restraining order. I think that he father is emotionally manipulative and her was fear monger omg to make his family against me. I think he’s narcissistic and unable to defend his stance morally. AITA?

Sorry if some of this is incoherent. There’s a lot of details. I’ll answer any remaining questions though! 

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