   I had this one friend, and we did almost everything together. Our friendship had always been really special to me, because he had always been there for me. He supported me through all of my downs, and I tried my best to do the same for him. He was even my wingman when I had a huge crush on one girl in our friend group. (No, that didn't work out but the fact he tried to help still means everything to me) He had always been there for me whenever I was feeling under-confident, upset, or whenever I just felt like I had no one to talk to. I always kind of looked up to him as a better version of myself because I felt like he was better at not letting his emotions control him. Meanwhile, I've always been the sensitive one who tends to get upset over the little things. Hell, I cried once because I saw a dead bird on my way to school. And that was in 9th grade by the way. 

   I was there for him too because he had problems and struggles of his own. And I feel like us constantly working to help each other, added to the quality of our friendship because we understood each other's issues. We cared about each other more than we cared about ourselves. I felt us growing really close, and I enjoyed every second of it. He yelled at any of our mutual friends whenever they were giving me a hard time.He reminded all of my friends that it was my birthday when all of them had forgotten. And I would do the same for him, but there was one problem. I'm incredibly insecure, my biggest fear is that one day all of my friends might just see me as boring, or annoying, or that they secretly hate me, and that they'll just walk out of my life. I've told him this before too, that I was afraid of being seen as annoying, and that I had abandonment issues. That I sometimes felt jealous or left out, but I also hated myself for feeling that way because I felt like I was ruining everything for everyone by being an attention whore. He said that is was fine, that he didn’t mind it and that he'd always be there. 

   But, he had a tendency of giving the green stop sign. I'd ask him if he wanted to hang out, play video games, or do whatever and he'd say “yes.” Only to not do whatever we made plans to do. I always dismissed it thinking that sometimes stuff comes up, and that he does have more important things to do. But this kept happening, over and over again. Even on my birthday when we made plans to play video games and he just didn’t go through with it. He said he felt bad and I believed him but, I was just kind of annoyed. We actually hung out more, and then out of the fucking blue he raged at me to leave him alone. After we mutually made plans to hang out??? I ended up leaving and then the longest 2 hours of my life passed before I did the stupidest thing I've ever done. I questioned if he cared about me, and if I was just a burden to him. He immediately apologized and I believe his apology to be genuine but, it just kind of went over my head. I dismissed his apology because at the time, I was just tired of being lied to, having promises broken, and being sent mixed signals. And me being quick to not accept his apology made him angry and then we had a very mundane argument that lasted for a few seconds before he just ended it with “We'll talk later”.  I later came forward and apologized for everything because even now, I blame myself for this whole mess. 

   I thought we made up for it and I thought that we could just put this behind us. The next day I asked him if we were still cool and he said “yes”. This was 3 days after my birthday and we didn’t really talk much that day, or the next day, or the next day, or the next week, and before I know it. He ghosted me for 3 weeks. And during those 3 weeks some of our mutual friends kind of got us to hang out. But it didn't really work. While I was in my self-loathing state, he was shit talking me to all of our friends. Including once to another one of my friends, right in front of me. Saying things that confirmed all of my deepest insecurities. And I had no one to blame for this but myself. I think it's safe to say he over reacted a bit, but so did I and I still feel like I could have prevented all of this. A lot of our mutual friends stayed passive but some of our friends, after hearing both sides of the story, immediately took my side. And at first it felt nice, but even some of his friends his friends that didn’t know me took my side and that made me feel bad because, literally no one took his side. And I didn’t want him to lose friends over this. We had one mutual friend who took my side and even said he wanted to ghost my friend, but I was the one to talk him out of it. The thing is, now my friend that ghosted me has basically replaced me with my friend who was going to ghost him, as his new best friend. 

   I'm posting this here because I don't know what to believe. Everyone's been telling me that I'm not at fault, but I still blame myself for it. And lately I guess I've kind of begun to blame my friend more. I often swing back and forth between feeling like it's all my fault, and feeling like my friend was a liar. I still get mixed messages from him like: He said he didn’t say “no” to me because he'd have felt bad about it. But why would he feel bad saying “no” and not feel bad ghosting me. That's why I want to know from you guys because I feel like I'm too emotionally unstable to decide myself. 

   

   