(Trigger warning - this is about childhood sexual abuse.  Don't read if you find it upsetting.)


Seriously, if that sort of thing bothers you, maybe skip this post.  I was reading a post over on /r/legaladvice about someone who was abused by their piano teacher for a number of years and s/he is considering reporting the teacher to the police because the teacher is teaching again and they're afraid the teacher is going to harm another child.  In reading through the comments, I discovered that Colorado has no statute of limitations on prosecuting childhood sexual abuse (That is something that has changed since I lived there -- I didn't know this until yesterday).

In 1988 I lived in Colorado where my grandfather used molest and rape me (I was an 8 year old boy at the time) and my sister.  In 1990 my mom cut off contact with him and reported what he had been doing to my sister to the police.  I was too terrified to say what he had been doing to me because A: I was told "This is all your fault.  I don't want to do this, you're making me" (I have since gotten into therapy and do accept it was not, in fact, my fault) and B: because one time I tried to use a pocket knife to stop him from hurting my sister.  It didn't work and he just beat me up, telling me the horrible things he would do if I ever tried to stop him again or if I told anyone what he had been doing.  I still have a physical scar from it.  

So when I got stuck in therapy to see if he had done anything to me, I still thought it was my fault and I was still afraid of him.  By the time I could trust the therapist, she transferred me to another therapist and I felt I couldn't trust anyone.  That therapist told my mom "The grandfather wasn't interested in boys, so your son is fine."

Just my sister went to the police.  They interviewed her and gave my grandfather a polygraph test.  He passed the test (Something psychopaths can do very easily.  Fun, err, disturbing little trivia fact.) and the police declined to bring charges against him.  My mom tried to tell the rest of the extended family and they all turned against us saying she was spreading lies.  In 1992 we cut ties and moved three states away.  We couldn't do anything about him and we just had to move on with our lives.  I remember at one point looking at the laws and seeing that the statute of limitations had passed on what he did to me.  Not that I had any faith in our justice system to prosecute him, honestly.  

I tried to heal and move on (Some days are better than others).

Then I saw that post and read some commentators that said there is no statute of limitations for that type of crime in Colorado anymore.  That means I could report him.  

I thought a lot about it, and I just don't want to.  I've talked about my history on reddit before, and had someone message me saying I was a "little (derogatory word)" for not taking the law into my own hand and going to beat the shit out of him.  I had lunch with a friend and he told me that I'm a bad person for not going back to Colorado to take care of this because he might hurt other kids.  My grandfather is now 90 years old.  Has he hurt other kids?  Maybe.  I try not to think about it.  I'd like to think he's now too old to do that anymore.  

Moreover, I don't want to take revenge on him.  I don't want to send a senile, 90 year old man to die in prison.  Even if he is a heartless monster.  I don't know if I strong enough to travel back to Colorado for whatever that would involve (I still live three states away).  I don't want to deal with the inevitable nightmares of going back to confront him.  I called him on the phone once, and it didn't go very well (See my post history, if you're curious).  

I just want to go on with my life, forget that bastard and just heal.  Does that make me an asshole?  "Evil prevails when good men do nothing" as the saying goes, but I don't know if I can do anything and I don't want to deal with the guilt of sending him to die in prison.  I know he'd be going because of his crimes, but I struggle with guilt and anxiety.  I know that it would eat me alive to know I was the catalyst that sent him to prison.  


tl/dr; my grandfather used to rape/molest me 30 years ago in Colorado.  I just discovered that the laws were changed to remove the statute of limitations on child sex abuse crimes.  I don't live anywhere near him and I want to get on with my life and healing, not going back to Colorado to try and bring him to justice.  