TL:DR below 

Okay this is a complicated story so stay with me. I (31F) dated a guy, let’s call him J (26M). We dated for two years and had a horrible relationship. Don’t get me wrong, we had our good times. But he was basically verbally and emotionally abusing me. He was the king of gaslighting. He would call me a piece of shit. One time he looked at me dead in the face and said “I fucking hate you. Everyone hates you”. It was hurtful. I would drink, it would make things worse. I’d say things that were hurtful to him when I was drunk. We basically ended up abusing each other. 

Taking a step back, I’ve been dealing with mental illness my whole life. I had a rough childhood and have been in therapy/on medication/in and out of hospitalization programs since I was a kid. I was finally diagnosed bipolar in my late 20s and here we are (I’m 31 now). So I know my reactions to things can sometimes be emotionally driven.... after J and I broke up in April I had a complete mental break down. I became paranoid that he was coming to hurt me. I thought I was going to die. It was bad. My mother admitted me into a partial hospitalization program (basically a day program where you go through intense psychotherapy every day). I was in the program for 8 weeks. Things got better. I moved home, we separated completely (blocked on social media, no contact, blocked number, etc)

Flash forward to last Saturday. I was having a rough day so I was talking to my best friend of 16 years, let’s call her M. I asked if M wanted to hang out and she said she was going to a concert with some ppl but J might be there so I wouldn’t be able to go. She actually phrased it as “I know this is going to fuck you up mentally but I really want to go”. Okay, fine. “Have fun with J” I say. I was hurt, it prob wasn’t the best thing to say but I said it out of hurt. She flips. “How dare you talk to me that way” she says “I have cancelled plans with J and friends countless times to hang out with you”. “Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right, I didn’t know that. Have fun at the show. I’m going out with some friends to our local bar. Done”. Done. It was done. 

Later that night, I was at our local bar with some friends and she texts me. Says “are you still at the bar, shows over, I wanna stop by”. I say “yeah, cool, come on by”. She gets there, I’m deep in convo with someone so when she says “come to the bathroom with me” I shrug her off. She comes back from the bathroom, sits next to me and blurts out “J is on his way”. I think “shit I have to get out of here.” I grab my stuff and head outside. I proceed to have an earth shattering panic attack. My friend from earlier comes outside. I’m panicked. I immediately revert to that paranoia. He’s coming to kill me, he’s gonna hurt me. My friend goes inside and closes my tab for me, I couldn’t go back in there. M comes out and tbh I don’t remember what was said cause emotions were so high and we had all been drinking but I remember it not being helpful. Definitely didn’t end in an “I’m sorry let’s hug and make up”. 

The next day I went for an emergency psych evaluation and got treatment. I start another program on Friday and seeing a therapist in the mean time. So I understand that I had an emotional and psychological reaction to things and am actively taking steps to fix that. 
I haven’t spoken to M since then, I haven’t spoken directly to J since we broke up. (When we broke up it was so volatile that M INSISTED J and I speak through HER, which is a whole diff story of fucked up ness). 

It’s a very complicated and nuanced situation so I’ll prob have to edit to add more details as questions arise. 

TL;DR I guess my question here is; AITA for being upset that my best friend hangs out with my abusive ex? And more so, AITA for flipping shit when she tried to bring him around me? 