Is OTHER wrong in the post ? POST : I (24) have been with my bf (30) for 3 months and we both live in a country neither of us are from. 

Recently his grandmother, who has been sick for while, took a turn for the worst. He went back to his home country to visit her last week and he knows she will die soon. A year ago he saw his godmother die from cancer and this has affected him greatly.

The way he is dealing with this grief is to drink a lot, smoke weed and isolate himself emotionally from anyone. He will still go out to meet his friends but I know that he is not talking to them about what he is going through, but just partying. 

My bf knows I previously escaped an abusive relationship with someone who had mental health issues worsened by a cannabis addiction. I was diagnosed with PTSD later on. For this reason, I ask my bf not to get high around me (I feel this is reasonable as we only see eachother about once a week). One time he rolled a spliff in secret in the bathroom and lied about it when I confronted him. He later apologised. 

My father was also an alcoholic who had been in rehab several times and constantly threatened suicide. My bf also knows this.

I understand that he prefers space so I have constantly reassured him that I am here to talk but I will not push him. He has cried a couple of times and i have comforted him, staying up all night and trying my best to reassure him he is not alone.

Other than these infrequent moments of him letting me in, he will usually behave like an asshole. If you were not to know that he is suffering so much, you would just think he was a shitty bf by the way he behaves. 

For 1 out of the 3 moths we have been dating he has been incredibly distant and uncaring. He rarely wants to meet and when we do he seems very uninterested and selfish. He says this is because he goes into a shell when he grieves. I constantly do nice things for him (helping him with a job presentation written in my native language and not his, making him cute gifts, coming to his flat so that he doesn’t have to come to mine, asking about his day etc.), but this is never reciprocated.

Unfortunately I do also suffer from anxiety and depression. Recently I went through 3 days or so of intense suicidal idealisation to the point of planning. Despite me trying to reach out to my bf about my depression, albeit cryptically, I was met with replies like “you’ll be fine. Think of people who are much worse off like me”. I have not mentioned it since, and he has chastised me for being closed off regarding this topic. I have explained that I felt shut down the last time and he has apologised. 

A few days ago he was flying back from his country and we had planned to meet. Messaging me from the airport, he tells me the flight is delayed. I had cancelled plans with my friends to spend some much coveted time with him and asked him to tell me when the flight would take off.

A few hours later of waiting, I message him and it turns out he has already landed and is on his way to his flat. I told him I was disappointed he didn’t update me since I was waiting on him but he just told me he was in a rush and he was sorry. He told me he was too sad to go work the following day and would call in sick, however asked if I wanted to go with him to a birthday party that night. A little taken aback that he wanted to go out, I still agreed. He said he was running late so I could meet him there. This was the final straw for me since I did know these people and I did not want to turn up to a flat I’ve never been before for someone’s birthday i don’t know on my own. My bf also told me he was feeling self-destructive “like when [his] godmother died” and planned to drink and smoke a lot and that I could not change his mind about this. 

I told him this would be upsetting for me and I didn’t want to go. The next 2 days after that he was unresponsive to my messages. I begged him to talk to me about what was going on and how he felt about the relationship and he refused. Because he made it impossible to meet and talk I broke up with him via text.

I am very open to the possibility that AIMA. Unfortunately I have a warped sense of what is ok in a relationship due to previous abuse, so I find it hard to tell if I’m being too sensitive and selfish or if I’m too forgiving.





