Is EVERYBODY wrong in the post ? POST : I fully realize that anything I post is going to be from my viewpoint, but I’m going to try my utmost to keep things as objective as possible and keep my feeling/theories out of it. I’m not trying to get pity here. I honestly want to know if IATA. My life motto is “Love above all”, and I’m absolutely torn apart that I might not be following that, but I also do not want to be emotionally taken advantage of (the money is a separate issue for me, but is necessary for context). So I really do need to know if IATA, though, if I am…. be kind, please? This is my first time putting myself out here on Reddit. Also, I have struggles keeping things brief, so please forgive the length. Seriously. It’s long, but I don’t know how to shorten it and still give enough context.

I have had a best friend since 9th grade – 24 years now. We haven’t often agreed on many things, but we’ve managed to maintain a relationship in which we talk almost every day through a lot regardless. A few years back, her husband lost his job and they were jobless for a year and a half. They got a settlement for disability discrimination from his former job and were able to live off of that, but when they finally got an offer for another job in a different state, they had no money with which to move. The new job promised reimbursement for much of the move, but not until the first paycheck, so they needed money upfront. My husband and I had lent them a sum of money when they were on the verge of eviction ten years ago without repayment, but I could not bear the thought of my best friend not being able to take a job for such a ridiculous reason, especially since they were about to be foreclosed on. We knew the risk, because they have never been great with money, and we already had the experience of not being reimbursed, but given that they were getting a job that paid half again as much as our income and was also paying them back 3/4 of what we would be lending, we decided to lend them a very large sum of money from our line of credit (i.e., not actually money we had, but money we had access to, which would be accruing interest. It has saved us at times between jobs, and we felt that since we had the blessing of a safety net, we should help when my best friend did not have said safety net).

Over the last almost eight months since we lent the money, payment has been almost nonexistent. First we got only part of what the company reimbursed. Then it was two months before we saw another small amount. They always seemed to have money for what was important to them, but never enough to pay us back. The original agreement was all of the money that was reimbursed, and then a monthly payment after that. $1k/mn was discussed, but I told her that any good faith payment was enough. I struggle with anxiety and after not receiving payments, told her that I was very sorry, but every time I did the budget (weekly), I was having a massive panic attack. I tried very hard not to bring it up too much, because I do NOT want a friendship marred by money. But every so often, after doing the budget, I would send her a message asking her if anything was going to be coming. 

A bit before Christmas, two months since the last payment, I sent the following:

“I really hate doing this, but every single week when I reconcile the budget, I have a panic attack. It’s been two months since we’ve received anything. I need to know that something is in the mail. Current standing is $xxxx.xx. Thanks!”

Reply:

“Our account balance as of Thursday was under $10. I know you don’t believe me but we are trying.”

Me:

“Ok”

After that… nothing. No calls (we usually talk almost daily), no texts, no messages, nothing. Now, it was over Christmas, and her son and his girlfriend were visiting, so I assumed she wanted space, which is why I didn’t contact her either. But then on New Year’s Eve I had an emergency appendectomy. Both my husband and I had multiple posts about it on Facebook. No calls, no messages, no likes even. Ok… well, maaaaybe neither she nor her husband saw? I was in a lot of pain and on pain killers, and wasn’t really on the phone with anyone, so I didn’t notice at first. But then on budget day I sent this message:  
 

“So… appendectomy and panic attack really don’t go well together. :(“

Radio silence. She didn’t even open my message. The next day I was feeling very hurt, and panicking about the money, and had admitted to my mom that I’d even lent her the money, and mom was ready to call her up and chew her out. So I decided to write a letter (I will copy it at the bottom of this). I admit that the first draft of the letter had a lot of angry hurt in it. But I tried my best to make it so that in the end it reflected my true feelings and not just the emotions I was having – that she was my best friend, that the way she was acting hurt, that the money thing had to be dealt with, etc. Had my mom, husband, and sister look at it to make sure it was as loving as possible. But it’s hard to know, you know? How it will come across to someone else. So maybe I failed. I sent it to her email (titled Feeling sad), text, and facebook messenger. She never opened it up on facebook messenger. I have no idea about the others. No response or acknowledgement. I gave it two weeks, then sent this:  
 

“Please. Another paycheck has come and gone and I’ve not heard a single word from you in four weeks. You gave your word, and you have always claimed that your word and honesty is how you define yourself. I am hurt and confused. I don’t want to take legal action, but that is the next step at this point.”

Nothing again, but we did receive a check for somewhat over half of what was owed later that week postdated the day I sent that message. There was a note, and it was civil, but definitely not the tone that our friendship usually is:

Aritavashkai,

DH’s bonus was just deposited. This is the entire amount. We should be able to repay the remainder by/with our tax return. Please let me know what that amt. will be.

\[Name\]

So then I WAS a jerk. The day before we received the check, I came back from counseling and I ended up posting a thing on facebook that wasn’t quite a rant, but kinda was. My counselor had been helping me through the pain that I had clearly lost my best friend, and I didn’t know why. I understood after I sent that letter, but I didn’t, and still don’t, understand why that last time right before Christmas she decided to act like I was dead to her. It’s not like we hadn’t talked about the loan before, and at times much more clearly than that message. And then for her to not even give any care about my appendectomy or the fact that I have been having a really hard time healing from it (I’ve ended up back at ER four more time since then in three and a half weeks and have been in insane pain). So I was terribly confused about what had happened to our friendship, and my counselor (this was a culmination of multiple sessions) told me that obviously she couldn’t diagnose someone she hadn’t met, but from everything she heard, my best friend certainly had some sort of personality disorder, at the very least narcissism. So she told me about discarding and about how narcissists will do that when you are no longer useful or desirable to them, and that I needed to heal and accept that. And also that most times, they will try to “hoover” you back – rekindle the friendship basically, but always with ulterior motives – and that she felt I was in an abusive situation and needed to be strong and realize what was going on and allow myself to heal either way, but stay strong and resist getting sucked back in if she did try to hoover. Honestly, that realization explained SO MUCH and I immediately felt a huge weight off my chest, and a lot of my pain over the lost friendship went away. If she was doing all this on purpose, was purposefully hurting me and had no remorse, was playing with my emotions, anxiety and guilt… well, I wasn’t very sad anymore if I could look at it like that. So I stupidly went on facebook. I didn’t say things like I did here. I was trying to work through my feelings. I do that too much. I have really good facebook friends, not toxic like so many seem to have. So I tend to open up when I’m working through things. So I posted about narcissism and friendship, and whether I should continue it, etc. But I didn’t hide it from her. I don’t know if I was trying to be spiteful, or if I was truly trying to find a way to let her know where I was coming from so she could understand. A mutual friend commented something about loving me, and then that true friends don’t make ultimatums. I don’t know if that was directed at me or at her. I think it must have been me. I think that my “best” friend had probably told her that \*I\* was the one ending the friendship if she wouldn’t pay or something, which is the opposite of how it was. Anyhow, I took that post down, and I don’t know if my “best” friend ever saw it or if our mutual friend told her.

So here’s where I am with asking AITA. I’m trying to build up the courage to end the friendship in my head and heart. If she tries to come back with or without apologizing, keep it ended. Be civil, but that’s it. That’s what EVERYTHING about narcissistic relationships says to do. DON’T let yourself get hoovered back in. Apologies aren’t real and are manipulation. Etc, etc. But it goes against all my instincts. If I accept that she’s a narcissist, then I can release her control over me. I don’t hurt. She has no emotional power over me at all. But…. What if I’m wrong. What kind of person would not forgive someone who’s sincerely sorry. I’m sure it’ll seem like I’m doing it because of the stupid money, and that that’s what she’ll bill it as to our mutual friends. But it wasn’t that that’s made me decide that she’s gone fro