Is NOBODY wrong in the post ? POST : Hello,

This past year I moved to Hawaii for work. I’m in a one bedroom apartment. I’d like people to come visit me, and when I speak to my friends around the country I always encourage them to take a trip here and hang out in paradise.

A couple of months ago I wished happy birthday to a guy I dated in college for a couple weeks (I’m a guy). He mentioned he loved seeing my pictures and was very attracted to the men I hang out with. Both he and I aren’t typical “prizes” we both sort of struggle in the scene. I mentioned that if he wanted to come out meet some of these guys and be gay in Hawaii, he was more than welcome. I also mentioned off hand he should try and recruit some of our mutual close friends (small college) to come with him.

Recently he calls me up and we start talking dates and activities and logistics. He’s gonna come alone. We decide not to set any dates and not to book anything until our schedules for this coming summer start to take shape. Nothing is planned or booked. At the end of the call, he goes “there’s one thing, I want to talk about what happened between us before I come. I feel like we never got the chance. And it bothers me a lot.”

Here’s the history: things didn’t end well between us in college. I was a first semester freshman. He was a sophomore. He pursued me, and I never really felt anything for him. But he was nice and smart, so I continued for a few weeks hoping that maybe something would spark on my side. However, I eventually realized that it wasn’t going to happen. Before I said anything to him about that, I agree to go to the Winter formal with him. That night, I got really drunk— I think partly so I wouldn’t be cold to my date. He was not drunk. The night ended with us in my dorm and me losing my virginity. 

As it happened, in physical motion, I had this terrible moment of knowing I didn’t want it to happen and regretting it was happening with this person. I ended the sex in tears curled up in a ball. He tried to comfort me and I played it off and wished him a good night. I stopped seeing him and slowly stopped replying to his messages after that night. UNTIL he asks to talk. 

I meet with him, and he doesn’t address the night we hooked up. Instead, he goes on about how he was disappointed that I ghosted him after we had gotten “so close.” He sort of goes at it as though I was just a heartless fuckboy who broke his heart. He also made the key comment that “but it’s okay that (I’m) not ready for a relationship” in a very condescending tone. I drew the line there and basically unleashed my side of the story: that i welcomed his advances cuz he was a nice guy but i ultimately never felt anything for him. We didn’t speak for seven years after that until we reconnected when he moved to my city and connected with our mutual friends again.

Fast forward to today, and I know that I should give him a call and let him talk about what happened 7 years ago and lock in his trip to visit in Hawaii. But I’ve been hesitating. I’m shocked that he still is hurt by what happened so long ago, but I’m also torn about telling him the full truth: that I felt he took advantage of me in my drunken, virginal state— him being older and much more experienced in sex and the dating scene. I don’t want to go so far as to call it an assault— I think it’s more in the grey area of consent. 

Because it’s so grey, I don’t want to bring it up to him and force him to be accused of something so serious. However, I also don’t want to take a phone call and listen to another condescending narrative in which I broke his heart (this is the story that he tells people to this day).

The adult in me knows I should suck it up and talk it out and softly tell the truth of why ghosted him 7 years ago, but I always just want to leave the past behind and not dig up the lousy way I lost my virginity. WIBTA?