Some background:

- This is referencing myself and 3 friends. We are all moms in our early to mid 30s with young children.   

- One friend has previously shared with us her history of abuse, both sexual and verbal, from her stepfather, as well as the extent of enabling that took place with her mother.  She has a very toxic family.  

- This friend has two sons, 8 and 5yo. 


Tonight the 4 of us went out for a mom’s night.  At dinner, our friend shared the latest instance of verbal abuse coming from her stepfather.  Somehow the conversation lead to us talking with her about the fact that she allows both her sons to visit her mom and stepfather without either parent there to supervise.  We tried to lovingly convince her that this was completely unsafe.  

I was more insistent than the others because I’ve carried some guilt over not speaking up sooner about it.  I don’t completely recall everything I said, but I did tell her that she had normalized the situation and didn’t realize how dangerous it was, that she can’t trust her mother to protect her sons because she didn’t protect her, and that she won’t know that something bad has happened until it already has.  I also said I wasn’t trying to judge her but to be a good friend.  She was tearing up during the conversation but didn’t ask us to stop. 

Right after I said the part about not knowing something bad has happened after it already has, she excused herself to the restroom.  Fifteen minutes later we go to check on her and find out the following via text: 

- She had immediately left the restaurant and started walking home, in the cold, with no coat.  It’s a 25 min drive.  

- She called her husband to come pick her up.  He had to load up the kids at 10:30pm, past their bedtime.  And they had to see their mom in the midst of a panic attack.  

-  She had a panic attack and was spotted crossing a bridge by a stranger who called the cops.  5 police officers waited with her until her husband arrived.  

By the time we got the info from her, her husband had arrived, so we weren’t able to go check on her in person.  

I’m wondering if I’m the asshole for being part of this conversation in such a public place, especially since it triggered such a traumatic response from her and lead to a very unpleasant evening for her and her family.  Honestly the way it all played out was so surreal, none of us expected it, but I’m not sure that excuses us, and especially me because I was so insistant?