Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : So this a story about my (M25) ex-gf (F22-23). 

TL;DR at the end

Additional context can be found in my post history 

Long story short, I went out with a local girl from my area for around 5 months, one of which I was away on several conference trips. I'm a busy PhD student in their final year of study (known as the write-up year) and she works part-time in a bank as an assistant. We had a lot in common and met over Tinder. There was an incredible spark between us, until the day we started to officially date. That's when things got tricky and she changed quite a lot. 

With my trips away, she started to become very insecure and upset at how busy I was; how I was neglecting her and treating her as a part-time girlfriend (you can read up about this in my post history), despite originally being proud of my achievements and professional trajectory. 

In the middle of one of my trips, we got into a horrible argument that lasted a few hours, and ended with her offering me £70 to enjoy my trip and treat myself. At first I declined, as this amount seemed way too high for the gesture and for the fact we had just had an argument. She insisted and put it into my account anyway. I obliged and took myself to dinner and to see a performance with a live orchestra. Having spent most of the day at the conference and the evening busy, I went straight to bed and sent her a few messages before we said goodnight. As usual, this was not enough. She was only really happy if we had 'proper' conversations that lasted more than an hour. 

It turns out that she was very not okay with that fact that I didn't update her enough after treating myself. We had another phone call the following day and I was accused of being ignorant, ungrateful, disrespectful and negligent. I apologised after some hesitation at first, because I thought that I had a legitimate reason to not want to have long calls at the end of the day, as I was genuinely exhausted and in a hostel. I had to be out of bed in the common area if we wanted to talk. This argument eventually concluded with us both regretting sending and receiving the money. The original idea had been tainted. I offered her the £70 back but she refused; just acknowledged that I had ruined her gift. Two weeks later it was my birthday and she gifted me £20, followed by another present 

Fast forward a month, and things are very rocky. Arguments are more than frequent, and the relationship is awkward and miserable. She starts to notice I don't say "I love you" back to her anymore and that we weren't as intimate. I was checking out emotionally. During this stage, my friends and colleagues say that I went through a stage of emotional abuse. Her (aggressive) demands for my attention had become that frequent, that I was finding myself not working or making progress with my PhD because she was constantly making me choose between her or my thesis. I chose her more often than I should have because I don't deal well with violence and especially shouting. If we spent too much time not talking, texting, or meeting up, she would go on endless rants. Life was easier if I just followed. I no longer had the emotional energy to stand up for myself because it never got me anywhere. We broke up shortly after. I told her after an argument that I didn't love her anymore. I didn't bring up the fact that I felt emotionally abused. I just wanted to be out of her life, and her out of mine.

Readers may be wondering why I'm making this thread. Well, a few weeks before I left for my trips, I was going to be paid by the University I am doing research for, in order to fund these trips. The payment was due in July but for a series of unfortunate administrative problems was postponed until September. My ex-gf offered me some money to borrow so I didn't starve, and having set up a payment plan, I accepted. I borrowed £300 for her in June with the idea that I would pay her straight back in July when the payment came through. When we found out that the payment would be delayed until September, she said it was okay. Annoyed, but okay with it. 

We broke up shortly after my birthday in late August, and I had taken a Leave of Absence from the PhD because I didn't have a routine and wasn't mentally there to make good progress. The breakup, while necessary, was just too much. Adding to this, my money was very low as a result of the delayed payment. I had been expecting and planned out the rest of the year's budget with this money in mind. I got a part-time job and tried to make things okay in any way I could, but I still owed my gf the £300. 

So, I send an email to the funders and ask for a confirmation of when this money will be coming in. It turns out that because I took the Leave of Absence, I am no longer eligible for the grant money and I had to wait until I was officially back from Leave. Had I have known this, I wouldn't have taken the LoA until I had received the payment. I had no money and a part-time job that paid a month in arrears. Things weren't good, and I still owed my ex the £300. 

So, now I send my ex a message saying that the payment would be now delayed until January/February when I came back from Leave. She knew I was going to take one, as she saw how stressed out I was. She just never thought or knew that she was a big contributor in all of this. This was my business and I didn't want her to feel bad, I guess. She took the news about the delayed payment quite well. She was angry at first, but I sent her the confirmation emails and all official correspondence. I offered to pay her in monthly, but smaller, instalments, but she rejected this idea and preferred I pay her in a lump sum. I mentioned that my current financial situation wouldn't allow me to be able to do that until I had received my grant in Jan/Feb of the following year. If dates are unclear, this would be around 6-7 months after her loaning me the money. At this point I have to admit that she's been not only kind enough to lend me this money, but also patient enough to wait for me to pay it back several months after we had originally agreed. 

Well, two months after we broke up. She got in touch with me randomly and demanded I give her back the £90 of gifted money, in addition to the previously agreed £300. To avoid another argument, I agreed. I said that I wasn't comfortable with the fact that she was essentially asking back money that was previously gifted. She said that it was only fair due to how soon after giving me the money we broke up. We ended the conversation and I didn't hear from her until the other day. 

She again messages me out of the blue and aggressively asks for her money back (the £300). I say that I'd pay her the money in Jan/Feb as we had agreed. Again, she is angry and we argue. She says that I said that she'd have the money back in January, and since it was the 11th of January, I should have it by now. I forwarded her the confirmation of payment emails and said that I was unable to offer the full amount until I was paid. I reminded her that she rejected a payment in instalments, but she was fixed on the idea that she should have it now. I understand her point of view. At this point she has no faith that she is getting the money. It has been postponed twice and now I'm her ex. It's not a situation either of us wants to be in. 

We argue some more and she tells me that I shouldn't have seen the payment date as the last deadline, and that I had other avenues to pay her back, like sell my motorbike, ask for family loans, or take one of those emergency payday loans. She argues that I have a personal responsibility to pay her back, and she has waited long enough. I declined all of these as said that paying her back wasn't a priority of mine since we had an agreement that I would pay her the day I got the grant money, and would pay her off in one lump sump. She wants to know the exact date I would pay her, so I email my funders and ask for an updated date as I am desperately in need of this money myself. The office gets back to me and confirms that I will have the payment on the 5th of February. I immediately send this to her, and she calls me. 

She shouts down the phone screaming that the situation is unacceptable, followed by a chain of insults. I don't reciprocate. I never do. She also finds that annoying. I hate conflict. Right there and then I offer her to pay half of the owed amount, so that she knew that I was at least taking this seriously. She agrees and we call it a day. I pay her half of the amount owed. 

20 minutes later I receive a text from an unknown number (turns out to be her older sister) saying that if I don't pay back the full amount (i.e. the £90) she would be calling the police for theft and they would be contacting my university to make a complaint about my character. 

I didn't reply and contacted my supervisors immediately. I sent a message to my ex telling her to forget about the £90 as I had no legal obligation to repay her as it was gifted, and that is she was not happy with that, that I will deduct the entire £90 from a £120 phone bill to her number while I was in New Zealand (that she didn't know about and wasn't going to know about it either).   


I sent her a final message saying that I would no longer be accepting any form of communication from her and her family, and that she would get the last payment on the 5th of February (not the £90). We haven't spoken since.   


So, reddit, IATA for: 

\- Saying I'd give my ex-gf back £90 in gifts that she had given me during the relationship, and then taking that offer back when I was threatened with her sister going to the police and defaming me professionally

  


&amp;#x200B;

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