I am in a bit of a messy, undefined relationship with a person I deeply love. We've never been in an exclusive relationship, and since the beginning I told him I wasn't ready to be monogamous. He has always made it clear that is what he wants. We have been trying to make the open relationship work, but it is a strain on both of us. I have tried hard to respect his need to be monogamous while still being honest about my need to not be, and have told him that, while I love him and want to be with him, I'm can't sacrifice my mental/emotional wellbeing by ignoring what I need because it won't be good for either of us in the long run. And that if this doesn't work for him, he needs to make that decision and end the relationship. 

I have broken up with him a few times, always with us getting back together in a few days. I have felt like I need to be the one to end it because I am the one who is causing the strain, even though it kills me everytime. But then we'll start taking and get back together again. 

Recently, he broke up with me and we stayed that way for about two months, during which I did not contact him. I felt like if I were the one to contact him, I'd be dragging him back into a relationship situation he didn't want. I was miserable and missed him so much, but the guilt of knowing he was hurt by the situation kept me from talking to him. But then he reached out to me, and asked to come over, and we decided to give it another shot. He said anything is better than nothing.

I love him so much, but that doesn't change my need to have an open relationship, because I will fall into a pattern of self destruction I've been down before and barely survived. AITA for wanting a non-monogomous relationship knowing that it hurts my partner?