Is OTHER wrong in the post ? POST : # Intro

We had a long-distance relationship for 2 years. 4 months ago we got married. A month ago we broke up. In 3 days we're getting divorced.

I think I still love her. Or at least I miss her – I think about her every hour, every day.

I believe she still loves me. I know she thinks about us, views our photos, at least sometimes.

The problem is – I've always loved her more than she loved me. My parents loved us more than she or her mother would allow. This ruined everything.

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# Part I. Context

Many years ago we dated for a month. We were kids, I didn't know what to do with the whole dating thing, I didn't really need it, so I left her. I didn't have any break-up experience, so I just started ignoring her – stopped answering calls and seeing her. I hurt her.

Through the years, we moved and settled in different countries. Two years ago I invited her to a concert, she agreed. We met, and then we spent the whole night and day just talking about what had happened a long time ago. I was apologizing, giving excuses, explaining that I was a kid, and I'm a different person now. She was very careful, because she remembered all the pain I caused her previously.

I was convincing her to try and start all over again. I was pulling, she was resisting. I wanted to move forward, she wanted to slow down.  This was the foundation of our relationship.

When I said "I love you" for the first time (ever, in my whole life), she didn't say it back. For weeks I was telling her that, and for weeks she couldn't say it back, until one day I pushed on her by asking whether she loves me. And this was just one of the things; at some point I had a note where I would write down all the things that felt painful to me – some sort of a mini-diary, just because I didn't want to discuss this with anyone. I didn't have anyone to discuss this with. Basically, it was a list of examples of how I cared for her more than she did for me.

I loved her. She was slowly falling in love.

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# Part II. Have Love, Will Travel

After some time, things got much better. We got close, really close. I deleted the note, I didn't feel any of those things anymore. We built trust, we were the closest friends. We had the most amazing sex. We would completely understand each other.

Geographically, we were still living in different time zones. We spent hours video-chatting every day, and we saw each other every other weekend – usually I would fly to her, occasionally she would fly to me or we would both fly somewhere. This was a very romantic period: every travel, every hour together, every destination – it was all bringing so much pleasure and excitement.

However, I still wanted just a bit more than she did. I wanted to move in together – I was ready, and she wasn't quite yet. I wanted us to spend some time with our parents when we were on holidays in our home country, while she preferred seeing friends. During our weekends together, I wanted to get a feeling of a household – I wanted to cook together, maybe do some housework, while she preferred going out for long walks and dinners.

But we respected each other. I would try not to push too hard on her, and agreed when she was saying "it is a bit too soon, isn't it?". She would try to do some things I wanted us to do, and agreed when I was saying "it is a right thing to do, isn't it?". I was slowing myself down, she was pushing herself out from her comfort zone. This helped us stay together, keep the balance, and slowly gravitate towards each other.

10 months ago, we got engaged. We couldn't be happier about it, it meant so much! In addition to all the romantic thoughts and feelings, practically, we got 1 step closer to moving in together: we still lived in different countries, and we needed to get married to get visas and eventually move in.

Everything was perfect, except from one thing. Have you noticed the small "friends before parents" thing?

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# Part III. Parents

*Her dad*. In her family, her father is an outcast. Her parents don't really live together: her father sometimes stays over at home, but often travel to his parents (who live in a different city). Her mother doesn't talk to her father much, and she herself almost hates her father: she was telling me that her dad hurt her mom many times, was never there for her, and never cared about their daughter.

*Her mom*. She absolutely loves her. She is the only child in the family, so their shared dislike of father made them each other's most important person in the world.

*Her grandparents*. Paternal grandparents were never welcome, for same reasons as father: never cared for their granddaughter enough. They also tried to get into her parents' family's business, and never respected the boundaries. Maternal grandparents, however, are extremely close to her. From what I heard, the maternal grandparents were always there for her mom and dad, but never annoyed them. On her parents' wedding day, the grandfather told them: "If you need us, just let us know; if not – we won't disturb you".

*Summary*: Father and grandparents are bad. Mother and grandparents are the best. Independence of the young family is very important and has to be respected.

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*My parents*. My family is another end of the spectrum: we're all linked, all dependent, all care for each other. My parents are together for 27 years now, their relationship is built on trust and care for each other, for their parents and their children. We all know what's happening in each other's lives. My parents were always my closest friends and advisors, no matter the subject.

Ever since I moved to a different country 3 years ago, I was calling them every single day, 7/365. By the age of 16-ish, I concluded that family is the single most important thing in one's life; family is the sense of life, and without a family, life doesn't make sense. I still think so.

*My grandparents.* Same story: my parents loved and respected my grandparents. There were no secrets, open communication, everybody was sharing love. Only paternal grandmother is still alive, and my dad calls her every single day, 7/365. Every other weekend parents travel to her to a different city to bring her food, since she is too weak to cook.

*Summary*: My family is strong, and is based on communication between everyone.

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Since the day we met, my parents couldn't wait to see my girlfriend. They wanted to know her, they wanted to spend at least some time with her. They welcomed her in our family, invited her parents multiple times when we were both away from our home country. My parents wanted to unite two families; based on the success of my parents in building their own family, I thought they're right.

Since the day we met, my girlfriend perceived this as pressure. Her parents would find excuses to reject my parents' invitations. She couldn't understand why my parents want so badly to meet her. She defended her right to see her friends instead of my parents whenever we were visiting our home country on short holidays. She said that it's too soon, and there will be time for meeting my parents closer. She wanted my parents to stay cool and keep some distance; based on the intrusiveness of her paternal grandparents into her parents' family life, she thought my parents are wrong.

I took my girlfriend's side. I asked my parents to be cool and let us do whatever we want; they couldn't understand us, but agreed to obey. They were concerned that their future daughter-in-law would avoid them, but kept hoping that things will change over time.

I started building a wall between us and my parents.

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# Part IV. Pots And Pans

*3 months before the wedding.* She and I decided that we'll ask parents to give us money instead of presents for the wedding. I mentioned this to my parents, but never emphasized enough.

*2 months before the wedding.* My parents buy us a set of expensive high-tech kitchenware, and ask us to choose between two sets of silverware. This was a huge blooper: culturally, sharp things are never given as presents – that is considered to bring bad luck. My parents genuinely haven't thought about that, and neither have I.

I bring the news to my girlfriend, she gets super angry: "Your parents did not respect our request to give money instead of presents, I don't want any of those pots in my house, and now your mom tries to bring a bunch of sharp knifes to our wedding". While I totally agree with her, I don't like her tone and anger: my parents wished nothing but the best, and they didn't deserve the blame. We stop talking for a day – for the first time in our relationship.

In the evening she calls me, and asks why I didn't call. "Remember how you ignored me many years ago? Do you want it all to repeat? ... You don't have the right to be angry at me just because I'm angry at you. ... How could you do this just before our wedding? This wasn't a man's act, and now I don't know how to marry such a man". On that last phrase she hangs up and switches off the phone.

Hysteria. 2 months before the wedding such a small (as I thought) fight turns into an "I'm not sure how to marry you now" situation. I'm terrified, I think I can lose her. 9pm, I book a flight to her country. 3am, I'm catching a bus to the airport. 9am, I'm in her city. I came to talk; to be honest, I was hoping that flying to a different country in 12 hours just to talk would show her how much I love her.

Her mom was visiting her that week. This doesn't happen often, and she values every single hour with her mom. So instead of a hug, a kiss, a tear, I get another accusation: I should've respected her time with her mother, and I should not have come.

* One - I didn't protect her from my parents who bought us a present we didn't want.
* Two - I started the drama by not messag