Obligatory Throwaway account spiel and tl;dr will provided below after long exposition dump.

Sorry in advance for all the words and format (I'm a mobile user degenerate)

Anyways to preface my situation I have to give context in the form of explaining my past relationships. All have but one involved cheating, physical, emotional, and mental abuse, and fear of anything romantic or sexual (I don't want to get into too much detail as I'm currently battling severe depression and anxiety).

The one relationship that didn't leave me damaged however was when I dated my current boyfriend who we'll call E.

Back then I was teenager who had unfortunately fell into romanticizing suicide and constantly made E sad when I told him I would kill myself or he'd leave me eventually. The whole thing was a shit show that I constantly look back on and never forget nor never forgave myself for doing to someone who was like me, someone who wanted to be in a healthy loving nontoxic relationship.

I realized, unfortunately after a year of being with him at the time, how fucked up I was and apologised and broke up with E. In my head I was saving E from any more pain I would've caused from my selfish destructive words and ideals though to others it was because he was moving to a different part in the state I live in.

After he left, the string of manipulative and painful attempts of romantic endeavors came and went alongside a suicide attempt that, as messed up and cringy as it sounds, was rebirth I needed to change drastically. I love life now though I make jokes about killing myself from time to time but it's all part of my twisted humor.

Cut to a year and months later my ex comes back and my best friend sets us all up to hangout at her place. We all catch up and spill a lot of history about what happened when E left. 

E explains that he got into a relationship with a girl months after he moved and lost his virginity to her only to find out that that she was engaged.   I felt sympathetic to the feeling of being used as someone's sexual release toy though I never had sex (when you're a teen with hormones up the ass you're bound to make mistakes in that regard but there's a different reason as to why I remain a virgin which I'll get to).

We all exchanged numbers just in case we wanted to hangout again and soon enough E and I get to talking. We text for a couple days and one thing led to another and E asks if we could get back together. 

I has extremely hesitant to the idea which I told him about and heavily insisted if he was sure. Even though I was no longer toxic I wasn't the same person especially considering the fact that I came out as transgender. 

I pressed that considering our pasts we would have to go slow and that if I say things that are similar to the crap I said when I was young or that made him feel like crap or sad, make sure to stop and change the subject. We agreed.

Cue to the current dilemma, we're 3 months into the relationship and I'm hanging at his house where out of nowhere I kiss E for the first time. 

That's not where the issue is however. 

We go in for more and in the heat of the moment I start teasing the shit out of him by grinding. He loses control for a bit and pins me down on his bed in the ye old missionary style. I freak out getting a flashback to when my ex before him did it and I damn near kick him in the balls. 

I was apologising so much but he said it was his fault for going too fast. It made it worse when deep down I wanted to go further but my extreme fear and cowardice made me pussy out.

We talked it out and we just went about playing videogames.

After that day the same thing happened for 3 more times minus the almost assault via my foot to his testicles. We'd hang, thing's get steamy, I tease, I freakout when he returns it. 

He's started to get frustrated for this double standard which I've apologized for countless times. I've been trying so hard but my past just comes to haunt me and I end up feeling like a whore when I want to go further.

So Reddit, AITA?

I'm sorry if this post is all over the place but it's midnight and I'm suffering from the flu and depression so my mind is not exactly in the right as of now.

**TL;DR Ex who I made sad with teenage angst gets back together with me. 3 months in I sexually tease the shit out of him but when he tries to return it I pussy out multiple times **