I broke up with my girlfriend a couple years ago, but this has stuck with me ever since. She had Borderline Personality Disorder and was extremely resistant to treatment. I tried to help her as much as I could, but I felt like there wasn't a lot I could do when she refused to find a therapist or take medication. She helped me through a very dark time in my life and was the only one I could talk to when I was in a rocky relationship before we'd started dating. She could be very sweet and thoughtful, and she's the only person I've ever been in love with. I opened up to her about a past relationship where I think I was sexually abused (I'm still not sure). I was vague about it at first because I'd told some people before who didn't take it well. My girlfriend encouraged me to talk about it whenever I could and tried to help me reclaim my sexuality by acting out consensual rape fantasies and showing me rape scenes in movies, but I was a total bitch to her and kept telling her I didn't want to. Her demeanor changed when I finally opened up more and told her how old I was when that relationship started. I was eight and the other person was twelve. I asked if I could be his girlfriend, he said yes, and we did things like kiss and touch each other. I didn't know what sex was back then, but I liked it at first and still saw him all the time without telling my parents. Even when I thought I didn't like it anymore, I still touched him without him asking and never told him no. It went on until his family moved to another city a few years later. My girlfriend said since I started the relationship and he was still a child, I'd raped him. She said if I was being abused, I could have stopped it at any time, and I was the one who usually initiated sex anyway. I slapped her and left a bruise. She cried, and we only got worse from there. We stayed together for a few more weeks before I decided I was sick of her meltdowns and just left without trying to help her anymore. I basically ghosted her. I didn't know until this week, but she apparently tried to kill herself a few days after I left. I feel like I failed her as a partner and am trying to hide behind my own mental illness to excuse the abusive things I've done to other people. She needed my help and I just left her. I might have raped a child and acted like I was the victim. I feel like I need to go to the police. I'm so disgusted with myself.