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I'm almost 50, been married for almost 20 years. My wife is 46.

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I think we came together all those years ago as two lonely people, afraid we'd never find anyone else. I married her, completely unsure about it, because I was afraid I'd be alone forever, and determined to "make it work". In hindsight, my heart wasn't in it, and I felt trapped. She says I'm the best thing to ever happen to her. 

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I can't say it was all bad times, but fast forward 15 years and two kids later, I fell into a terrible depression, with suicidal thoughts. My wife knew nothing about this until I got help. I started therapy with a psychologist, who helped me learn to cooperate with my emotions instead of fighting them, to slowly learn to be aware of what I like and don't like. 

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Which leads me to today.

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I don't like being with my wife. When she touches me, I feel hollow inside, trapped. It's been like that for a long time, but I've also had an overwhelming tsunami of abject pitch black terror at the thought of the marriage ending.

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The past week or so, though, something has changed. 

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What is new is this: amongst my group of friends is an attractive, smart woman of about 40. We've been growing as friends for a while, but about two weeks or so, I saw a spark in her eyes that maybe, just maybe, she might feel something more. 

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I know I do. 

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We've met a few times since then (once just the two of us), and chat a lot online. The vibe is still there.

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It was like a wall came crashing down inside me. If such a thing was even possible - if someone as attractive and smart as her could even allow a hint of that kind of feeling - then maybe a post-marriage existence could be a happy one.

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Suddenly the tsunami of terror is gone. Ending the marriage is still a fearful thing, but not completely unthinkable.

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So now, for the past week or so, when my wife wants to touch me, or wants me to hold her, I no longer do what I did before - I don't just hold her and silently bear the emptiness inside. Instead, I flinch, or pull away, or say no.

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My wife is devastated. She asks why I changed so suddenly, and how long it will be before I can go back to what I was like before.

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But I don't want to go back. I hated it. I also don't want to kill a 20 year marriage over a passing crush, or a temporary angry phase. 

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Except I can't see it being temporary. The change seems sudden to her, but all that's happening is that I'm not hiding how I feel any more.

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AITA? Everything inside me is a jumbled mess of conflicting feelings now.