Is OTHER wrong in the post ? POST : *Sorry for an formatting issues, I’m on mobile!

A little backstory. When we first started dating, I (27M) would visit her (29F) at her apartment and never commented on anything because it was her place and I felt as if she is entitled to do whatever she wants in her place. After coming over more frequently and spending more time there, spending the night and such, I did ask if she would mind smoking (cigarettes) next to the window and not on the bed because the smell of cigarettes would stick to my clothes and I am not a cigarette smoker. I thought this was fair and she seemed more than fine with it and actually said she felt bad. So time goes on and eventually it goes from her smoking at the window, to the end of the bed (near the window), to back to smoking in the bed again. I feel conflicted because I don’t live here, I’m in her domain, and I feel like I’m trying to control what she does in her place and I don’t like being that person. (Oh and she smokes roughly 3/4 of a pack a day.) So I just started leaving whatever I was wearing the next day outside the room, and it was working for me. 

Around the same time I also mentioned that I never had a tv in my room growing up and I felt like she has it on too much. She will leave the tv on all day and night (in the bedroom) and I asked if on every other night or so, can we sleep with the tv off, because it’s a big transition for me and interrupting my sleep and leaves me feeling like I didn’t sleep well. She said she needs background noise to be able to fall asleep, and I said I respect that, and I said (as a way to compromise) I have a white noise app on my phone, maybe you can look through that and find something you like and we can sleep to that. We tried it that night but it didn’t work for her. So we agreed to every other night we will rotate, not ideal, but I still wasn’t sleeping over every night so I was fine with it. 

Fast forward to me staying over pretty consistently, I tell her, I feel like initially you agreed to do these things for me, but now we are back where we started where you’re constantly smoking on the bed, and always leave the tv on. And again she apologized and said I was right, but she was just so used to living this way, that sometimes she forgets how much it bothers me. Which I completely understand, if you’ve lived this way for so long, changing is hard and can’t happen overnight and I’m trying to be understanding and considerate. But at the same time I feel like I’m seeing a little initial effort, but then she just reverts straight back to how she was before. And now there are times if I say something she’ll get visibly annoyed because I know she just wants to smoke her cigarettes in peace in the comfort of her room. 

So now I am officially moved in and am on the lease, and I told her, I really would appreciate if you could start smoking outside because of how strong the smell is and now I have all my stuff in the room. And she agreed half heartedly but she immediately made a comment saying, ugh I just wish we didn’t live on the third floor. Which I get it, it would be annoying to have to go up and down several times a day, especially if you’re so used to just smoking in your room. But I just think it’s inconsiderate constantly smoking next to a non smoker. And to be fair I do smoke weed, maybe like 2-5 times a month, not very often, but something casual, and she smokes weed and cigarettes everyday religiously. So maybe I am being hypocritical because when and if I do smoke I’ll smoke weed in the room with her, but it’ll honestly be like 3 pulls because it’s so infrequent I don’t need much. 

But I just feel like she’s getting annoyed with me and I know she thinks I’m nagging her about it, and to be honest I think she thinks I’m an asshole for it. I was honest and upfront about how I felt, but now I feel like it’s causing tension between us. I also think it’s partly because she wants to stop these bad habits and she’s getting mad at herself for being addicted to it.

Am I being an asshole? Am I being too controlling? Am I trying to change too much and should I just accept that this is the person she is? Or should I try and compromise more and find another alternative?

Thanks for reading and be well everyone!