TL;DR: Listed below husband’s health, eating habits, comments from friends, family history, sex life, etc. Husband is always degrading himself. He knows he’s obese, he’s sensitive, but won’t step up. I want to get him a surprise gym membership for his birthday. I don’t know how he’ll react.

I love my husband. We’ve been together 10 years, HS-sweethearts. I’m sexually attracted to him, although my sex drive naturally is extremely low. Alas, story time:

My husband has never been the skinniest guy. He was pretty broad in high school. But not fat either. Maybe a small bit of chub. I’d say he was built athletically for the most part. His arms and legs were muscular. His legs still are and when he flexes they are rock solid. His father was a big man. Tall, huge hands, big neck, and overweight. I believe the largest shirt my father-in-law owned was a 5X. His weight has fluctuated the past two years. And he even donated some clothes when he lost over 100 lbs. before gaining a lot of it back. My husband’s mother, who is shorter, has also went from small to big and back to small in the past 6-7 years.
I could be wrong, but I don’t always believe weight is a genetics thing (educate me if I’m wrong).

It’s 2019, and over the last 3 years my husband does not like me knowing his weight. He is between a 3XL and a 4XL in shirts. Most of his weight is in his gut. I don’t pry into his weight and I’ll even leave the bathroom when he tries out the scale.. but he didn’t shoo me away when we went to the doctors together a few months ago and he had to step on a scale for a check up. He was around 330 lbs.

Now, I’ve been very sensitive around my husband when his weight is mentioned. Whether he’s putting himself down, family points it out, my Dad says I’m going to be a widow before we grow old, my friends ask me how do I even have sex (I’m 5’3” weight also fluctuates between 120-155 lbs over the years but many still call me petite for being a little soft meatball at 155), his friends encourage the weight gain while finishing a package of mega-stuffed Oreos together, or again; my husband calls himself a fat POS. I’m sensitive. But I don’t lie to him. Subtle.

My husband has injured his back 2-3x from falling on ice and had to go to chiropractors, get MRI’s done, stay bed rested on a new firm mattress, pain killers, etc. He’s had to get a new computer chair for work, owns two canes, and a walker (when I bought it, someone saw me carrying it up an elevator to our apartment and thought I was an at-home caregiver to a senior citizen). He’s tried running years ago and his shins would cause him pain so he gave that up. He’s been having stomach problems and throwing up lately. Sleep apnea and snoring so much it’s kept a whole house of 5 people up all night. Kidney stones.. and only Lord knows whatever happens in the bathroom. —basically, the only form of exercise I’ve witnessed him loving doing lately is disc golf, but I don’t even think that’s enough. We last hiked together nearly a year ago up a popular hill side that he couldn’t even finish and started complaining it was too steep, as all our other once-a-year hikes are too.

My husband grew up a picky eater. Loves fatty foods, junk food, energy drinks and soda, and mostly dining out (especially at taco shops) thanks to his parents not cooking much in his childhood nor eating wholesome meals together at the family table. I grew up with high protein, low fat, low calorie meals all homemade. I didn’t even know what Panda Express was for 18 years. If we ate out, it was once a year and a bean burrito from Taco Bell. At home, I try to cook and eat leftovers 5-6 days out of the week but sometimes I even fail at that or have to limit certain ingredients and vegetables that my husband doesn’t like. It’s been better lately and I’ve finally got him to eat onions which is good for the heart. But still..

Lastly, my husband knows he’s obese. His doctor has told him to lose weight a few times. He knows his body will feel better once he drops the weight. My husband is never a person to complain if you have a solution to fix your problems. And he’ll call anyone out on it too. A no BS guy. But unfortunately this is his one downfall for and he does not try to make the change despite knowing how bad it is. I can’t baby him about it. When he last hurt his back and couldn’t move for 4 days, I looked him dead in the eyes and said enough is enough. He sulked and said I’m calling him fat. I sharply responded I said no such thing, all I’m saying, this lifestyle is unhealthy and “you’re sick” and we need to do better. I haven’t had this talk with him again, it’s been months, and nothing has changed.

So Reddit. I need to know. AITA if I get my husband a gym membership to the YMCA for his birthday? For starters. He’s said it out loud before that even doing some cardio in the pool might do him good.