Is OTHER wrong in the post ? POST : Our long-tangled relationship is at a crossroads with where we are in life. Counting this time, it’ll be the 3rd time we have broken up and tried again. We started dating in Highschool. This went on and off for most of three years, with all the hurdles and challenges that one would associate with a relationship in this period. Based on our differences in university choices (which boiled down to a program which forced me to move every 4 months), and the seemingly overwhelming opinion of reddit, I decided it would be best for us to see other people. Looking back at this decision, I still think it was the right decision. However, this choice, along with several other actions that I made, conflicted sharply with her internal beliefs/core values. It would be several years before I would know this.

During the second half of our degrees, she contacted me again. At this point in my life, I had effectively committed myself to pursuing my profession, and from a lack of success in finding another relationship, stopped trying until after university. She contacted me when I was half way across the globe from her. But like we used to, we talked and talked, more and more frequently. Before we knew it we had developed a long distance relationship. After seeing each other on a bi-weekly basis for the remainder of the term, I had to complete another internship as a part of my program. Not to blow my own horn, but this internship was at a highly sought-after company in my field. Knowing this, I was fully prepared to take the offer for full time. She then conveyed to me that after graduation, she will move to pursue a career in another city, far from where I will be for full time. This was the second time we broke up.

After my internship ended, I received and signed the return offer. She contacted me again. This time she fully grew out of her shell in high school and made me aware of the times that I hurt her. Hearing these things made me feel an immense sense of regret and sadness. How could I have been so incompetent to not see that my actions conflicted with her core values? The thought of hurting her that severely brings about a great sense of failure and shame. For example, while we were dating long distance, I missed a scheduled call that we were supposed to have because I was working on a project. As soon as I realized the next day, I apologized and rescheduled for the night after. What I didn’t realize was that this act broke all expectations that she had of me in terms of dependability. She opted to not have any further expectations for me in this front so that she won’t be hurt again. She concluded, that this action was an active act of malice against her instead of my negligence. Does this distinction even matter? This one example generalizes to so many more. Including the act of our initial breakup after high school. What I thought was a rational choice/excusable temporary lapse in memory turned into a seemingly irreparable scar between us to this day.

**tl;dr:** Throughout the course of my relationship, I did several things that hurt my girlfriend unintentionally because they contrasted with her core beliefs that I was not aware of. Am I the negligent asshole boyfriend?


