Now to start off, let me say that this isn't a post to get validation, I seriously want to know if I'm being an asshole, or at least, anything less than OK. It's also important to note that nobody has ever called me an asshole over this, it's just something that I myself am worried about.

Anyway, I'm in love with my best (female) friend. I myself am male. During this story, which is still going on right now, we're around ages 16-20.

I became friends with her because I had a crush on her. As soon as I felt it was socially appropriate, which was about 4-5 months into our friendship, I told her that. She said OK, but has basically dodged saying anything about reciprocation. Now, I'm not a dumbass, I know that "not saying yes" means "no". So I don't make any illusions of her being in love with me. She's basically trying to not hurt my feelings.

However, despite this, I'm still in love with her. I don't have any issue with her avoiding the question, and I know that she, currently, isn't interested in a relationship (With anyone). Knowing this, I try to avoid bringing it up to much and try to just stay mostly friends. But I can't get rid of my love for her. I've told her this as well, or at least, I think it was clear from what I've said.

The big problem is that my wishes for the friendship and hers obviously don't align perfectly. I'd like to have way more contact with her than the other way around. Now, we've devised a situation that mostly works. We meet up at least once a year, possibly more if she wants. I email her every month. And she's 'required' to send me 2 emails per year. Now, when I say emails, these are big emails, usually being 1-3 pages, but I've sent one that was 8,25 pages long. A bit excessive, I know. Plus sometimes, there's some extra contact, like wishing each other a happy birthday, happy new year, all that jazz. 

All in all, I'd say, on average, we meet up around 2 times a year and she emails me a couple of times a year, while I email her every month. This along with little titbits of contact along the way. She has assured me that this isn't something specific to me, and that this is just how she works. This has fluctuated along the years, but so far, the friendship has survived, even despite some (possibly major) issues. I'd obviously like more contact, but I try to respect her wishes.

Unfortunately, I'm not always the best at respecting her wishes and boundaries. Often times I get too excited or too depressed and start messaging her a bit too often. For example, while I can keep myself to 1 email per month the majority of the times, I'd say that in 1/3rd of all months, there would be another email. Sometimes, these weren't too big, like responding back to her when she responded, however, I don't think these emails were a real problem. The real problem emails were the ones I sent out of depression, loneliness, or whatever.

I try to restrain myself from sending those emails, and in later times (As in, the last few months), I've been able to do so (Because I currently don't have anything that would lead to me sending those emails). However, previously, I haven't been so lucky. I went almost a whole year sending her 2 emails instead of 1, where I basically split up the month in 2 segments. Now, after she told me that she didn't like it, because it became too much for her, I stopped immediately. But I still did it for the previous few months, and that's something that I can't take back.

The even bigger problem however, weren't those emails. They weren't the emails I sent out of depression or other things. The emails I did send out of depression were pretty fucking bad. I'd try to always assure her that it wasn't her fault and that I'm merely venting to her about shit, but it basically became a negative feedback loop for myself. As I've said, currently, I've stopped doing so, and don't plan on doing it again, although I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself from doing so when the going gets tough again.

And currently, we've worked out most of these issues and our friendship still stands. We're prepared to face any new issues that might come our way, and the future looks bright. But my question is, was I an asshole for doing that to her in the past, or was it just a series of unfortunate events?