Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : I[M27] have been with my partner[F32] for five years, living together for 3. My partner lives with a chronic medical condition, I'm going to be vague about it, but it's characterized by chronic pain and leaves her trapped in a body frail and debilitated. Her condition worsens or improves gradually and not always in an explainable way, generally however, her condition has been getting worse and I'm taking on more of a caregiver role.

I have a lot of frustrations, and they all seem so interconnected it's hard to know where to start. I think that the worst of it is this, that I am never afforded any real opportunity to vent my own frustrations because in the moment, her pain is always worse. I don't know how to type that thought without it sounding so full of resentment, but the truth is, this is factual, her pain is worse, and she does need my help, and whatever frustrations I have are pale second-hand images of her experiences. This is always true.

She experiences insecurity about me, about how could I still love her, and fear that I will leave her. Which is in a real sense an insult to everything I've done for her for so long, but given the circumstances, I've tried to understand. I mean, it's been a sickening and terrifying process to watch someone I love lose their independence and their ability and mobility, obviously to have it happen to one's self is an impetuous for insecurity, I have tried for so long to be understanding, but it's only getting worse.

Basically, any insinuation that I am affected, that this is hard for me too, or that I am not 100% head over heels in love with her at all times is a cataclysm level event. Any time I am anything but a superhuman attendant husband or try to express some sorrow or a grievance of my own it MUST mean I do not love her, and she quickly works herself up to an emotional tantrum that means I have to forget whatever I was trying to talk about to resolve. It is her go to response to me having a problem, immediately have a bigger problem. I don't think this is deliberately manipulative behaviour, at least her emotions are certainly authentic. But it's real.

She's very quick to anger. I try to be as tolerable towards this as I can, but it can be very frustrating for me. What for you or I would be a little discomfort can be torturous for her. To be in severe pain on a constant basis is obviously going to sour someone's mood. But often, her anger gets taken out on me, I suspect, just because I'm there. The mass of emotional anger isn't my fault or maliciously directed at me, but it does manifest through actual issues she has with me and my behaviour. I'm not a perfect partner and there are critiques for her to make or instances where I've hurt her for her to bring up, but it is a fool's errand for me to try and address the words that are being screamed at me, they don't actually correspond to where the anger is coming from. But explaining that anger doesn't mean it isn't real, I still have to endure it.

I said that she's afraid I'll leave her, specifically, she is afraid that I'll find another woman. That I am no longer attracted to her and am actually attracted to [any other woman I interact with]. This is the worst and I do an objectively bad job defending myself from these accusations. 

I do a bad job because I can't say what I want, that there is some truth to some of these things she accuses me of. The fact is that the combination of her decreased physical ability and my increasingly intimate involvement in her care has affected my sexual drive and specifically my sexual drive for her. Her condition does present real, severe restrictions on our sex life. I am sexually frustrated.  I do daydream about sex with other women. I want to say that these frustrations are reasonable to feel for someone in my situation, that what would be unreasonable would be having sex with other women. But, she could never handle that. If I actually tried to say this...

So I don't. I lie. I hide the porn. I hide my frustrations. If I'm recalling a scene from work, I edit my female co-workers out of the story. If I'm getting screamed at for effectively nothing at all I just let it happen.  I just don’t open up to her at all anymore. So she feels neglected, and expresses that through more anger. So I get more distant. It’s like some sort of fucked up emotional feedback loop. 

I don't think I can leave her. What would that even look like. I can't abandon her. But I don't think I can keep going like this forever either, getting gradually more bitter and more frustrated with my life. I can't stay with someone out of a sense of obligation. I feel as though any action I take is only going to put her in a worse place and validate her worst fears. 

What is the course of action that makes me not the asshole? I don't see it.

