So this has been gnawing at me for years, so I thought I’d seek the catharsis of the ever-wise redditors of r/AmItheAsshole.

I had a female friend who I was very close to. We met in college and both ended up moving to Japan afterwards(we’re both American). She’s very neurotic and always thinking about how others will see her, but I always stood up for her because I knew she was fun to be around when that protective veil dropped. I admit, oftentimes it was very difficult defending her from my other friends’ criticism because she could be pretty nuts, but I did because she was a friend.

The last straw with her neurotic B came, though, when I asked if she wanted to do an overnight trip to a hot spring. I had done it with two other girlfriends and we had a great time and it was really cheap. We both worked at the same company (I actually helped her get her job) so I knew we’d have off at the same time which is why I suggested it to her.

Her response to this suggestion is what pissed me off.  I wouldn’t have cared if she said “No, I’m too busy” or “No, I don’t have enough money”. But she said no because she was worried what her fiancé (now husband) would think about her going on an overnight trip with another man. He already knew I was gay. We’ve met a couple times before. I’ve known her longer than they’ve known each other. And Japanese people on the whole don’t really give two shits about gay people. This made zero sense to me.

I pressed her on it and she basically admitted she hadn’t actually asked him but was just assuming what his response would be. She had already been building up to this kind of thinking when we’d hang out before this. She told me not to post pictures of us together online because she was worried about what her fiancé would say. She said she didn’t want to broach the subject with him at all for fear of upsetting him (which is odd because he’s a very even-mannered guy). I brought her past weird behavior and the fact that her fiancé probably wouldn’t have a problem with it and said that if she couldn’t stick up for our friendship for fear of her fiancé hypothetically being upset, then we just shouldn’t be friends anymore.

I thought I was perfectly justified for dumping a friend who treated me like crap. But a Japanese girlfriend (who knew her slightly but only because she was friends with me) took her side, saying “sometimes you have to sacrifice things so your partner is happy”. This really irked me, but planted the seed of doubt that I could be the asshole in the situation. Thoughts?