Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : 
 I had an amicable relationship with my in laws of 5 years then I saw them discipline my then 3-year-old in a way I did not like. While they were watching my two daughters (3 and 1), the older girl threatened to hit her little sister with a block when she knocked her tower down. My in laws response was to say they didn't play with "mean" "bad" girls and leave the room, ignoring her. When i came back from work, my daughter was crying and confused, sitting on the floor quietly. I asked what happened and my mother in law relayed the story nonchalantly--Oh we just told her we don't play with bad mean girls." 

I told my in laws I did not like that discipline tactic. She acted taken aback. I left to go back to work, and decided to explain my reasoning via text. I said: 


"Thanks for everything. I appreciate you being with the girls. I always know they're safe. If M hits with anything, take it away. Tell her it's not OK. Try to validate and label her feelings. You're mad. That is frustrating, but we don't hit." I want her to feel understood and accepted while also knowing the behavior is not OK. She is OK. She is loved. But the behavior is NOT allowed." She responded by saying, "I've always done what you say, just like I've always done what Christy (my ex sister in law) says." 

This is where I might have taken it to far. I had just talked to my other ex sister in law (My husband has two brothers, and both of their wives have left them because they say they are narcisisstically abusive, but that's another post.). My ex sister in law had told me that my in laws talked bad about me on the regular, saying I had "issues," and "ways" with the girls that were annoying. So I said: 

"I know you have, but I also know that you can be put out by it. I talked to Rachel O last week and she said you always said how I "have my ways" in a deprecating tone. I understand we have different methods. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel judged by your style. I think you guys are great. But I also don't think withholding affection and love for bad behavior is a good parenting tactic. Shame-based discipline can have toxic affects." Then I linked her to an article. 

This post is not about whether you agree with my discipline method. It's what I choose to do and what Id like anyone who watches my kids to try. It works. 
This is about whether I was too harsh with my wording, and whether their response was appropriate. After relaying my preferences and stating my boundary, my in laws responded by saying they would never be able to live up to my standards, that i wanted them to watch the kids with their hands tied behind their backs and that they no longer feel comfortable watching my kids since I think they dont love them.....

They said they would not be alone with the girls again. However, a week later, my MIL said she would still watch my girls while I finished my internship even though my FIL wouldnt like it (it was his idea to refuse to watch the girls).
Since this happened, my FIL has called my husband griping about me, saying I have them all walking on eggshells and that he isnt going to smile and pretend to his granddaughters that "mommas always right when she's not." He also listed a bunch of minor grievances that he had said nothing to me about (I let my three-year-old walk on the handicap ramp, the baby played by and on the bottom of the stairs one day, and he thinks I'm underfeeding the kids, etc.)  I tried to both call him and talk to him in person. When I called, and texted he rejected and ignored me, then told my husband to tell me to write a letter, and he would write a letter back--that he didn't want me to "twist his words," and he wasn't going to pretend I was right in front of my daughters anymore. 

I then tried to talk to him in person, but when I enter the room and greet him, he gets up and leaves without acknowledging me at all. When i pick up the girls after a visit, my FIL stays in the room until I arrive then when I say hi to him, he looks away and walks into another room.

I am pretty stunned and annoyed at his behavior because I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but I feel oddly punished. i asked my SO to stick up for me and he says it's not his business and he thinks his dad is trying to avoid conflict in the best way he knows how. I disagree completely. I think he is being immature and is intentionally creating conflict in order to be judged as a victim and right.  He also called his other son, my husband's older brother and told him how I overreacted about their discipline strategies, and that brother text me, griping me out about it and telling me I dont know what it's like to have a healthy family because I come from a broken home. 

Im temped to not bring my kids over there anymore, so they don't have to see their mother being actively ignored for what I see as no reason, but I'm not sure if that is too extreme.

I had liked my FIL OK before, or at least tolerated him, but now i think he has problems with strong women. He has called my former sister in law a slut and a bitch behind her back before. Id found it repugnant and pathetic at the time, and now his word choice seems targeted more at women in general than that one specific woman. My FIL, MIL and their sons all say my ex sister in laws are "crazy" and "bitches," and that the boys treated them wonderfully, but they "used" them... The SILs have different stories, of course. 

Anyway, who is the asshole here? Me for stating my boundaries? Them for making a giant stink about it and ignoring me?

