I had a sudden realization or rather ephiany, that people actually want to talk to me. As idiotic as that seems, I've always assumed that people generally find me unlikable and don't really want to talk to me. I know internally that that's not true that I'm not repulsive but sometimes you get into that mindset where you just keep repeating a thought and it you slowly convince yourself that it's true. And you start subconsciously acting on it, like avoiding people or being to scared to initiate conversations. 

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After having a conversation with a friend who I hadn't taken to a long time, I realized that they were in a lack of better words mad? at / irritated and hurt that I had not talked to them .Which I found confusing because of how deep I dug myself into a rabbit hole of depreciation and believing that I was just annoying people.

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Afterwards, I had an overwhelming feeling that "Wow Im a fucking asshole" because in their perspective I just ignored them (which I did) and probably don't like them. So it becomes a effect where I don't think they like me which causes them to not think I like them and in turn I pick up clues reinforcing the idea that they hate me.

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Thinking back to previous experiences where I avoided saying hello/ didn't text them/ acted coldly which potentially could have hurt the other person I can't help but think that I fucked it up. I definitely broke some relationships which could have other wise be saved if I opened up more but I just can't get rid of the feeling that they are just talking to me to be "nice" or just killing time

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So Am I an asshole... ?

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