Hi



This is going to be long and I'm sorry if there's mistakes and if it too difficult to understand.

I never have a great relationship with my father. He is...a man who has a title of Father to me. Did I loved him? I did...I don't recall calling him daddy ever since i knew the truth. I think it's disrespectful not to, but i couldn't bring myself to call him that ever again.

He is a liar, cheater, heavy smoker, gambler and quite an alcoholic. I think he is abusive... but I can't understand it...not violence... he did slapped my mom once and treats us like grass.

I don't love or hate him. I don't want to hate him. If I do, I just keep suffering. I could still imagine myself having a cup of tea with him.

I think I am a bad person. Too cold and heartless.

I couldn't look at him without 'it' being calm. I avoid talking to him as much as I could, I avoid his family as much as I could. Sometimes, I want to torture them and kill them, but that's not me. I have mental illness. It corrupts me, though I try to keep hold of it. I just want to get out of here.

I remembered texting him long ago, writing a lot of swear words. I hate you. 

Yet I forgave you. I forgave someone who force mother to have abortions, someone who doesn't even want me from the start, someone who wanted to give me away and ruined our lifes and still hurt us.

I feel...like i'm the bad one here. He took all my money that i was saving for school and a house ever since I was 11, maybe it's ok, right? He's my father...Mom asked him to pay for college or university if I ever able to get into one, he said no. ha..it's reasonable...?... But if it's his other daughter, why is he so willingly...to do anything for her? How different am I to her? Is it because I demand too much? Or is it he doesn't love me because i'm...a child from someone else...which was supposedly dead or is it because i'm not a boy?

I have a list. I wrote what I want from him.

A table and a chair. Piano class and art class, tutor , school , cheap drawing tablet, etc. Also have treatment about my mental illness, I don't want to do anything bad...again.

He earns 10k a month, but he refuse to pay treatment and always drag things so long. It been 7 years, in those 7 years, I should be in school and learn something. Honestly, it was my fault too. If I had just try to search for a school myself when I was 11, maybe I couldn't end up like this. Even so, I wonder will he pay for it? Last time I asked....he lied to me and i never end up going to a school for another year.

I feel like i'm demanding him so much. But people are telling me they, his family, took more than we did. But still, aren't i too much? 

I just want to get a stable life and able to go school. Get a job and leave this place with my mom. I thought of bringing him along, but it will upsets mom. He might try to get me into something too...like mom said he did it to her. Get something from me.

I thought of giving him money each month when I get a job. After all...he's my father and i'm grateful...he even give us money. It may be hundreds of dollar like 200 and expect us to live on that for the whole month, but it's still better than nothing.

Mom wants revenge. BY selling the house and leaving him. I...pity him, maybe I feel sad for him. I feel bad for turning a blind eye... mom said to not worry since he have 3 kids. But for someone like him, wasting all money on gamble and have little savings...I wonder if he is going to suffer. If he is...I feel bad. BUt there seems to be no way of settling these... he'll never listen and won't quit gamble if i recommend him to do so.

AM I an A-H for wanting things and him paying for all of it and still leave him?

Also if you read all these, wow...I...thank you. I hope...it's not stupid. I'm nervous, very nervous while writing this. I think by doing this, i may get some advices from people.