I apologize in advance if this is all over the place, I'm writing this as fast as I can between errands.

My dad and I have never had what one would call a healthy relationship. I am 28 and he is 52 and, for as long as I can remember, he has been a liar and a total dick. He and my mom divorced when I was 11 after he had a psychotic break and refused to get help for his bipolar disorder. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and it's been a big effort to stay in contact with him as long as I have. It became even harder after my mom told me he ruined her reputation by spreading the rumor that they'd divorced because he caught her cheating on him, which is not true.   


My dad made living with him difficult, but living apart from him is almost like a punishment. He will go weeks to months without contacting me or my older sister (his ex step-daughter) despite attempts to reach him, but complain about how we never make time for him. He claims to have a six figure salary on top of his wife's salary, but is always in some state of financial distress. He is unreliable and often says he will show up and never does or shows up with no warning and expects us to cancel any plans we may have. He lavishes money on his step-daughters and cares for their children, including raising one of his step-daughter's kids while she was in rehab for meth, but has not once called to even speak to my two kids, his biological grandchildren, and only sees them once or twice a year. He is abusive to his grandchildren that live with him, hitting them and yelling at them. The most hurtful thing to me, personally, is his refusal to accept me as I am. I am transgender and have been out for years but he has made it clear that he will never use the right pronouns or call me by my chosen name (which has been my legal name for quite some time, going so far as to refuse to put it on things like money orders or checks, forcing me to bring my name change forms and out myself every time. My mother tells me all the time that I should forgive him and just try to bear it because he is my father, but I am very tired of dealing with him flitting in and out of our lives and having no respect for me or my feelings.  


So here is the meat of the matter: my dad is 52 and has had, to date, 4 heart attacks that I know about and a stroke. He had surgery a couple years ago that he said was to remove a benign tumor from his stomach, but we're all pretty sure that was a lie and he has gastric bypass. He may have had more health issues, but he does not call when they happen nor does his wife, so it's possible that I have been kept in the dark about other things as I was with 3 of his heart attacks. But, my dad claims to have a $300,000 life insurance policy with me as the sole beneficiary. And a very, very big part of me wishes that he would go ahead and die so I could collect it and move on with my life.

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My family has fallen on some very hard times. We moved into a new city after I got a job, but I was unexpectedly laid off and have been unable to find stable work that pays enough and now we can barely afford to make ends meet. Every small inconvenience is a financial disaster for us. Our credit has plummeted, our credit cards have been charged off, and my partner works his ass off to keep up afloat. We make \*just\* enough to be disqualified from most assistance programs and we have nowhere to turn for help. That kind of money would really help us get back on our feet. We would be able to breathe easier, fix our vehicle, pay off our debts, even buy Christmas and birthday gifts for our kids. If you've ever been poor, you know the difference money like that could make in a family's life.

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I know it's harsh to wish that my father would die. The policy could be another one of his lies. But, even if it was, I would still want him to die. A permanent end to dealing with him would be a relief, honestly, and I feel like I could finally get on with my life without feeling guilty or stressed out about him. In my mind, he's basically already dead anyway and I'm just being haunted by his bullshit. So, AITA here? I'm willing to accept that I am. I don't think it would change the way I feel, but it would be nice to know what others think.