So I have to start this off by admitting I'm a pretty emotionally vacant person. Sometimes when friends tell me their problems I will say off the bat 'Look I love you, but I'm not sure I can be there emotional rock you need in this situation.' I'm like a drama no fly zone. 

My mom is a tremendously emotional person with a flair for the dramatic. She's also been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. A few weeks ago we had to call the police to make a mental health arrest because she was screaming hysterically about her husband that died three years ago. While she was in the hospital she kept saying she wanted to kill herself. I talked to her for an hour about how important she is to me, our family. How impactful her life was to others. Still, she kept saying her life wasn't worth living. I notified my chain of command (in the army btw). I was ready to take emergency leave from work to support her in court. Then my sister calls me and tells me she was drunk the entire time. She 'snapped out of it' and didn't remember anything that happen. Ok fine, we wrote it off as a drunken rage. She promised not to do it again. 

She did it again not even a week later. She calls me, asks me how my day is and says in this childish voice 'I don't want to live anymore'. We go through the same thing. An hour passes, I tell her how important she is to so many people, and how valuable life is. I go through all of this just for her to say 'thats alright, I still don't want to live anymore' and she hangs up. I was livid. I called her the next day to tell her that she needed to stop drinking and to see a psychiatrist. She promised to do both. As of my writing this post, she has not.

Today, she starts questioning me about whether or not America is safe. Whether or not we would go to war with Russia. Literally the weirdest, most random possible shit. She says 'if you tell me right now America is safe I will be fine with that'. I tell her the truth. I don't know. It's not really my job to think about things like that. I'm not a big picture policy person, I literally fix computers and go home. She gets upset and says 'Well, that's fine, I guess I'll just go to sleep knowing we could be nuked tomorrow'. And she hangs up. Every conversation now is about some possible crisis where I end up dead or she ends up dead or the world ends up dead. Everything is a possible catastrophe. 

This is becoming exasperating. Between the drinking, the suicidal ideations, and the 'holy shit the world is ending' call I get every day, I just can't do it anymore. I love my mom, I'm trying to support her the best I can. I call her as often as I can to reassure her and support her. But it is also coming to a point where it is becoming stressful for me. She is giving me this feeling of being helpless and I hate that. I find my job performance suffering at work because my mind wanders to what I would do if my mom decides to kill herself. I'm doing everything I can to support her from across the country but there are some days where I just want to tell her not to call me anymore unless she gets some help which makes me feel like an asshole. But I also know that this isn't about me. 

So, am I the asshole?