I know , dumb. And I know, very common. 4 year relationship, we're both in our early 20's. Basically got dumped, badly. like he initiated sex and than immediately dumped kind of badly.  Absolutely humiliated. Got told right after I've been lied to about how close he'd been with a coworker. All the physical and emotional shock had been hard to process. He left me for who he cheated on me with 3 weeks later.

How he dumped me has messed me up more than the cheating itself, and I've had waves of angry texts swerved at him every few months. We'll talk it out, I end up apologizing more than him and started to blame myself for our relationship failing. This would happen in a cycle and i stopped. Months passed when I've become more self aware, and just got pissed that I myself take so much blame. I had a huge fight with him, walls and walls of text, accusing him for not being affected by this at all and not even feeling guilty. It felt cathartic, i'll admit it. I told him how much counselling I've had to go through, how it affected my work last year, how I hate everything is fine for him and I had to deal wit the consequences of his actions. I've been doing better in general, but for some reason I just show my worst to him.

He finally admitted to feeling guilty and regret for what he did, but he says to not talk to him again because I've been using "emotionally manipulative words with malice and accusatory behavior"  (intended to make him feel hurt and guilty, like, i guess so?). Fair. After finding out he has felt even a shred of remorse, even though i clawed it out of him, I feel a bit better and don't have the need to reach out again?

I feel like an asshole because I've been constantly saying intentional hurtful things for one action that he did, which he seems like it wasn't his intention to hurt me this bad. I've also started to feel shit for being called emotionally manipulative. Am I really the asshole?

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