Im a 36 year old man with acute myeloid leukemia. The initial chemo put it into remission, but its now come back and its not stopping. 

I have been on my second run of chemo for two years, and there has been little to no improvement. Just delaying the inevitable. Most people with leukemia die after 5 years. Mine is even worse.

I feel sick everyday. I used to lift regularly and now all my muscles are basically gone with excess grandma skin on my arms and legs.

I lost so much hair at the top of my head i just started shaving it off.

I cant have sex with my wife anymore, when i try i cant maintain erections. I have pissed myself multiple times over the years in my sleep. I cant eat steaks anymore because of my stomach.

I cant play with my daughters and everytime i go to one of their soccer matches i get weird looks and take all the attention off of them.

I just dont have any fight left anymore. I repeat to myself everyday, "its over, and thats ok".

The truth is i haven't accomplished much in my life. I wanted to be a writer when i was younger but i ended up as an office manager at a car dealership. I always said i would do it later but then the years sort of piled on. I had one life and i wasted it, but so do most people i guess.

I am proud of my wife and daughters. They make me very happy. They haven't accepted that its over yet but i have. My wife means well but she wants me to stay in treatment long enough to put it back into remission again. I dont see it. I just think we need to come to terms with this.

I do not just want to lay in bed all day. I want to travel for these years i have left. See the country. Maybe go to italy or japan or the uk. I want to experience this planet in ways i never thought about before.

I told my wife this and she says im being selfish and im giving up. I dont see it that way, i feel more alive now than ive felt in a long time. I feel like i have no fear of trying scary things or writing a book or travelling to a jungle.

Ive spent so many years wasted. She says she wont stick by me if i do this. AITA?