Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : So there's this person I know, lets call them Ronny. I used to know Ronny a long time ago (but even then only a little) when Ronny was a different gender. Ronny is also not white. I'm both white and cis. I'd be lying if I said those factors didn't contribute in my decision to help them.  


See they are in a bad way - desperately poor, depressed, alone, and adrift. I can tell from their social media, they aren't shy about it. I've been those things. In fact I'm not that far removed from them, though I'm getting better. 


So one day I reach out to Ronny for no particular reason, and say like hey I just want to say I've been there, things are tough, stay in it, make progress, I'm rooting for you. They say hey thanks, we go on about our days.


Week later Ronny asks for some money. Not a lot, and I know they aren't lying about their poverty. (I've seen like "I need to eat" Go-Fund-Me's posted a lot) I'm still pretty poor myself, paycheck to paycheck, but what they are asking for I can do - and like I said I've been there. I've needed help. Luckily I had people to help me and I suspect that might not be the case with Ronny.


So I'm happy to give. But then they come back again for more money every couple of months now. Never a lot, but it's gotten to the point that I feel like they know I'll give it and their like getting too comfortable with it, like taking it for granted. 

Even though I am poor, its not the money that bothers me, its the mindset. I worked hard to fix my shit and get my life on track from the time that it was a disaster. I want to support Ronny towards Ronny being able to support themself, I feel invested in that. But I suspect that Ronny is just stringing out desperate decisions and favors and not moving forward. So I say to Ronny I'm willing to give you this money IF I know its going towards something that will help you help yourself, getting a real room to rent instead of couch surfing, getting formal clothes to interview in, job training whatever. Ronny doesn't really want to tell me about their situation, and is kind of insulted when I hinge the money on knowing about their plan for self-improvement. Then race/gender gets brought into it, like these things dictated their poverty. I mean fine, social stigma happens outside of your control, prejudice exists, I'll grant you that even when poor I had a level of advantage over Ronny. I'm not saying its easy. But you still have to take responsibility despite those things and start working to dig yourself out. You have to focus on what you can control even if the system is turned against you. The alternative is just to be crushed or live on charity and pity. If Ronny is working to fix their life I'm thrilled to help them get there. But they say I just don't understand, privileged, nosy, etc. So I said I don't really think I can keep giving you money. 

But I kinda feel like an asshole because like I said the money was not a lot, and I know sometimes when your life is a shit-pile you don't really want to talk about it or face the mountain of work it would take to turn it around. I wanted to encourage them to start that process but I think I just became another person abandoning them.

TLDR: I start giving money to a poor, depressed person on a semi-regular basis, but cut it off when the person refuses to talk to me about how they are planning to improve their situation.