So a little background here: I was a senior captain on a division I sports team last year. About a month before our championships, one of the freshman stopped showing up to practice. When I confronted him, he told me he had severe depression and was thinking about hurting himself. I stayed with him that night listening to him and telling him about my own struggles. The next day I walked him to campus counseling, and they admitted him to a psychiatric hospital for a few days.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. One of my former teammates let’s me know that he’s worried about him. I arrange to meet up with him after one of their competitions and he tells me how alone he feels. I suggest that he probably needs to put himself out there a bit more, especially with the ladies. I tell him he can reach out to me whenever. He basically yes’s me to death.

Unbeknownst to him, his mom is texting me thanking me for looking out for her son. I’ve known for a very long time that she is part of the problem. She has built up his self confidence to the point he has an incredible superiority complex that disallows for sustainable relationships.

Anyway, we texted today:
Friend’s Mom- “Did you talk to [son] this weekend? He saw a new psych on friday who said his 2 anti depressants may have been somehow making his lows even lower. Put him on a different med which [son] started on Friday.”
Me- “Do you want my honest opinion?”
Friend’s Mom- “of course”
Me- “I did. I tried to get him to study with me at some point this week but he would rather study alone and in his room. So I sent him a scientific study that provided empirical research that changing up your study environment actually helps you retain information better, but he told me, “he’s not interested in other people’s opinions.” (Even though this is academic research). He doesn’t feel the need to “switch it ([his study habits]) up”.

That dialogue tells me that your son is extremely rigid, and closed-minded.  How do you, as a man of science, reject scientific research? That stubbornness/forthrightness combined with the pressure he puts on himself has undoubtedly served him well on achieving his goals. However, he disregards any blowback or things that might get caught up in his wake because “nothing can get in the way of me [(Your son)] studying for the MCAT.” 

This parochial mindset is not conducive to developing positive, successful relationships. And I believe a therapist/psychiatrist will have trouble making that assessment because we are all inherently biased when communicating with professionals.

And what that philosophy reading conveys is the same tragic case —an uncompromising “moral” agent who feels removed and alone because of their seemingly “successful” approach to life has no room for adaptation.”

Friend’s Mom- “I see what you’re saying. And I don’t disagree that he can be rigid and closed-minded. What do you mean about a therapist having trouble making that assessment? Where does the bias come in?”

Me- “When we talk about ourselves, we are doing two things:
1. Mis-remembering reality. When we experience an event, our brain does not store the actual event. Our brain stores a condensed, easily accessible version of what took place.
2. Misrepresenting ourselves. This is particular to those people who have trouble admitting their flaws. Your son falls into this category in my opinion.”

Friend’s Mom- “Sure, we remember things like we think it happened or like we want it to have happened. [Son] has trouble opening up and appearing vulnerable. He probably does it better with me than with anyone.”

Me- “Yes, I figured. And, respectfully and sincerely, I think that’s a big part of the problem. 
Your son has a superiority complex that I believe has been fueled by you. Now, I’ve never been a parent, so I don’t know where the balance between instilling self-confidence and promoting ruthless, unwavering hubris lies. But you may want to seriously reflect your role in developing your son’s self-aggrandizing behavior.”

Me, a few hours later- “I’m sorry if I offended you. You asked for my honest opinion. I really do want your son to get better”

I feel like an asshole but I also feel like it needed to be said. I sincerely care about her son because I was in a terrible place my sophomore year, and I feel a certain personal responsibility.

Am I the asshole?