This argument has been going on for years between me and my parents, but has quieted down a little bit in the recent years since I've started college. The argument is that I don't want to actively pursue a relationship with the majority of my siblings, and though I've stopped actively avoiding them, I don't want them in my life (with the exception of two of my older brothers). This had always upset my parents, who firmly believe that you don't have to like your family but you still have to love them. In the end I cave and argue to do whatever my parents ask of me, but I want that to change now that I have started college. Thankfully now I don't interact with my siblings much at all, except for one brother whom I'm really close with and goes to college with me.

Before however, my parents would have me share rooms with my siblings who had moved back in for a reason or another, and in any argument that would start between me and another siblings, I would be excepted to be mature about it and let the situation go, because I was the most responsible. More often than not I was told to bite my tongue around my other siblings and whenever I would avoid them my parents would guilt trip me into hanging out with them.

So, some background on why I hate my siblings so much, most at least. At least 4 of my siblings are current or recovering drug addicts, and I think a few still are in trouble with the law. One reason I personally don't want them near me is because I don't want to be associated with anything illegal. 

Another reason is the way they treat me and my parents. Since I'm the youngest I don't have perfect memory of their childhoods or mine for that matter. But I remember a lot of stories that I've been told by my parents about my siblings. A lot of them used to steal from us, probably to buy drugs. Two of my siblings I especially want to avoid are my sister and one of my oldest brothers.

(Some background: anger issues and disabilities practically run in my family, which makes arguments that much more worse. I am legally disabled and have been since 7 years old, and I have medications I take every day for my disabilities.) My only sister, several years ago when I was in elementary school, we believe had stolen my medication and sold it. My parents had because so upset and worried, that they installed a lock on the cabinet where the meds were, which I believe conveniently was dismantled about two weeks later. She, in my opinion, has always put drugs and her self before anyone else. Often did drugs or drank in front of my, behind my parents back. Would be in and out of prison constantly. Would call random people in the middle of the night while I was trying to sleep (we shared a room until she moved out at 18). And never respected anyone. She constantly starts drama with anyone, isn't below using violence to get her way and will readily complain about being poor and then buy like $50 manicures every week. Me and her were never really close, as she preferred her friends over me and would get mad at my parents when they would make her play with me. The only times she would "play with me" voluntarily (for the most part that I can remember) was when should would take me or my brother somewhere under the impression of going somewhere to play, when she really would be taking us to where should could meet friends, or boyfriends, and on one occasion drink and smoke in front of me, I was 7. At 11 it was common knowledge for me not to touch our laundry basket because I was afraid of breaking a liquor bottle that she occasionally hid in there. I remember at one point, I was maybe 9, me, my sister and my mom were in the car going somewhere and my sister was complaining about how clingy I was. My mom said smiling that my sister was the one who begged for a little sister and my sister responded in an upset tone "well I regret it". And I don't think I've ever felt that unloved and worthless before. Don't get me wrong I have loving parents and my siblings say they love me. But in that moment I think I finally realized I was never going to get the loving relationship with my sister that was like it was in the movies or the way my friends described their sister were like.

In another instance one of my older brothers, his wife and their baby was living with us for 2 years (I believe rent free or incredibly cheap, as my parents believed in helping family when they are down). Though we have no solid proof we believe they were addicts. Some reasons for our suspicions were random pills scattered in drawers or on tables (no bottle in sight), our codine cough syrup was weirdly empty after a few months of them living there (even though only two people used it and neither said it was anything less than half full. And it was a BIG bottle too), and they always worked jobs that would pay them in cash at the end of the night (even though they conveniently seemed to never half enough money for anything that they begged/made my parents buy for my nephew (their son)). They would occasionally make me baby sit my newphew with no thanks or pay. Sometimes they woild leave me with him, saying they would be back at 10 pm or soemthing but wouldnt be found til 2 am. Always made my dad or another one of my older brothers baby sit my nephew constantly, even when they were in the house themselves, they just wouldn't pay attention to him and my parents would have to step up to the plate. During the first year they were there Christmas had passed and everyone got gifts, I had gotten a new camera I was really exited about and a bag for it. But since I didn't need it I put it away in my closet, that a shared with my niece because we shared a room. Fast forward 4 months and I decide I know a perfect place I could take pictures of with my camera. I go looking for it and it's gone, only the travel bag is left. I was fuming and told my parents, we searched but never found it. My parents believe it was stolen and pawned my brother or his now ex wife, as they had done the same with an xbox they had rented in my mom's name. I remember vividly, no words of apologies, but my parents asking how I could be so careless leaving something expensive "lying around" when I know my siblings have stolen stuff before. I still feel guilty about not being more careful to this day because I know the camera costed at least $300 which we definitely could have used to keep on tract with bills.

In the end, though my siblings have grown up some and changed in the time since I've last seen them. But a lot of the stuff they've done still mess me up today. I went through depression in high school for 2 years and during that I tried to get closure with my sister for the way I felt she treated me. I'll admit I didn't go about it the right way, I ended up explaining that I had been writing about things she had done when I was little and that I was sharing them with a self help group. She got mad and stormed off. My mom come to me and told me to accept that my sister would never apologize, that it was so long ago no one knows if what I remember actually happened and to just let it go. My sister ended up coming back and I apologized and sorta argued to move forward a forget the past (though I don't think I can). And while I'd like to think that they have changed, both have kids, their own homes, but still start drama on facebook, sister still continues to do drugs, fight and "divorce" her husband. I don't think I'll really ever be able to trust them. And I know that they've had their own issues to overcome that could be the cause of drug abuse (one was raped when they were a toddler. And the other had lived with a drug addicted mother till puberty) I don't feel that the way the choose to cope with it was okay or a right thing to put others through.

So am I the asshole for not wanting to be near them? I don't have the heart to tell any one it's because I'm afraid of letting them in my life and just being used for profit or gain again. Or should I stay firm if my parents ask me make accommodations for them, and tell them no? I want a relationship with my siblings but I feel that they don't really care. It's past the point of where I don't actually believe it when they say they love me, no matter how much I genuinely want them to.