A bit of backstory: I am an verbal abuse victim who has had to put up with years of "walking on eggshells" with my stepmother and her mom. I also have autism, which makes it harder for me to know what to do in social situations; it also means that I don't have very good spacial awareness and sometimes get caught in my own world, not very aware of anything going on outside of whatever I'm doing (in this case, reading). Having chosen to live with my mother and not my stepmom when I turned 18 (about 10 days ago), I've been doing much better with my anxiety, because my stepmom isn't around anymore. But this situation just set it off again.

So this morning I was taking the subway to my percussion ensemble rehearsal. I was sitting next to one of the doors and had put my backpack in front of me. There was another man across from me with a big cart in the aisle. A woman with a walker was sitting a few seats down from him.

About fifteen or twenty minutes into the ride, I'm engrossed in my Stephen King book, and the woman gets up to get off. Her walker hits my backpack (I believe that was what happened), and some of her things fall off of it. I move back, trying to give her room but also thinking she has the situation under control.

Then as she's getting off I hear her say something about how I'm a rude boy--- "or girl, I can't even tell what you are---" (I'm a trans girl but I look like a boy), "you see a handicapped woman and you can't even move out of the way or help her."

I look up, startled, and immediately try to make room for her, be courteous, but she picks up her things and goes on muttering to herself about me even after she's off the train. She never makes eye contact with me this whole time, by the way.

 I move my seat and begin hyperventilating/possibly having a panic attack, idk perhaps I was overreacting but one of my biggest anxiety triggers is messing up in public, especially with people I don't know. 

I just ... I don't know. There wasn't much room with the other guy's cart right there, and it did happen right in front of me, but sometimes I just ... there are situations where I don't think quickly enough. It also didn't seem as if I could have helped her pick the stuff up, with the angle we were at --- I think the walker was blocking it, I don't fricking remember the details. It was just something that made me really upset. I think it may have been my first actual panic attack; my anxiety isn't as bad lately, but this just set it off. Like, obviously she was handicapped and I should have been more considerate of that, but I wasn't blatantly ignoring it. Heck, I've spent time in a wheelchair myself. I've used walkers. *I know how it is.*

I wish I could just apologize to her. But she's gone and she obviously thinks I'm a horrible person.