Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : First of all, this is extra, extra long. I apologize in advance. TL;DR is at the bottom, but honestly reading the entire post is kind of a requirement to truly understand what's happening. This is being typed and posted from mobile so formatting may be incorrect, I'll fix what I can.



Background: My Japanese grandfather recently passed away. I grew up in the US so I have no idea how anything works in Japan (this is important later). I recently decided to move to Japan in 2018 to be with my grandparents and work since they are old and don't have a lot of time left. My father is bilingual, English and Japanese. He was born and raised in Japan and moved to the US around 30 years old. I was born in Japan and lived there for 4 years before moving with my family to the US, I barely speak Japanese. I can ask basic questions and understand basic responses.



I don't like my biological father, that's why I call him my biological father. He didn't raise me, there is no emotional connection. He had custody of my brother and I during the summer time when we were kids. He would force us to do Kumon (Japanese after school homework program) during his time with him. He was verbally abusive and some times would get slap happy when we didn't do something right. Nothing that left bruises or anything. After middle school I cut off all contact because I could. He never made an effort to reach out to me either. That was fine, I enjoyed not having to deal with his bullshit.



Recently we've been talking more only because I've chosen to live in Japan with "his" family. He likes to refer to our family as "My father..." or "My mother..." instead of "Your grandpa..." or "Grandma wants you to..." so it seems like he's not including me in the family, but I just write that off as not being 100% fluent in English nuance and natural phrasing.



There's been a lot of paperwork recently with my grandfather, his money, plans for the funeral, etc. It's a big deal as all events like this are and a lot of preparation has to be done.



Anyway, on to the main story:



My grandfather (his father) passed away last week. We had a funeral service tonight (5pm Japan Standard Time) and it went well, only two hours and it was mostly close family with some neighbors. After the service we went back to my grandmother's house and relax. As I've said before, I'm not familiar with all the customs and rituals. Considering my father can speak both English and Japanese and has knowledge about the customs and rituals, I figure now would be a great time to ask him since neither of us are busy.



Now, in my experience, it's usually a great time to ask questions or talk about something when people are aren't busy. My father claims the exact opposite.



I asked him about the schedule for tomorrow and what I should prepare for. He vaguely tells me about what will happen, 



* Wake up at 8
* Start of the ceremony at 10
* Cremation at 12
* More ceremony later
* Finish



This doesn't really answer my questions, so I ask about the specifics, "Will it be like tonight?" - "How many people will be there?" - "Will the same monk come and do more chanting?" - "Will I have to stand up and do anything?"



His response was: "DerpHard, why don't you look it up on the internet?"



At first I was dumbfounded, but then I remembered the kind of person he was. Still I pressed on to make an effort to get him to talk to me. To make this easier, I'll be turning this into a dialogue, M is me, D is dad.



---------------------



M: Why can't you just tell me?



D: everything you need to know is on the internet.



M: Yes, but as your son, you should teach me about family rituals, because you know, that's your job.



D: Why? It's much easier if you just read it on the internet.



M: I agree with you, but you are my father and I'd like to create a bonding experience.



D: DerpHard, I'm relaxing right now, you had the past 4 days to ask me about these questions but you didn't.



M: the past 4 days you've been busy making funeral arrangements, talking to relatives, figuring out finances, making sure everything is in order. Why would I bother you during all of that to ask you questions about the funeral?



D: You know what? The best time to ask me is when I'm busy. My brain is in the right state at that moment, I'm already thinking about those things so you should ask me then. You need to learn to not bother people when they are relaxing and ask questions when they are busy.



M: *scoff* that doesn't make any sense. Why would I bother someone when they are busy talking to other people and writing down information?



D: That's how people do it, it's a fact.



M: no, that's not a fact, I've never heard that in my life. I was always taught in every life situation not to bother someone when they are busy. Of course there's situations at work when you need to ask for directions or how to do something, but asking for **knowledge** about something is usually done when no one is busy.



D: That's your opinion.



M: yeah that is my opinion, but what you said is also an opinion and not a fact.



D: no, it's a fact, everyone knows that.



M: so you want me to ask you questions in the middle of being busy?



D: yes, that's what you are supposed to do.



M: Okay, I'll remember that.



D: I don't know how you grew up with your mom, but maybe you need to find new friends because you don't know how the world works.



M: what does any of this have to do with my friends?



D: They're the people you talk to. Maybe they are asking questions when you are relaxing and that's why you don't know anything.



M: That doesn't make any sense at all. My friends and the people I talk to are completely irrelevant to this conversation and have nothing to do with asking someone a question when they are relaxing. 



D: It does. These are the people who taught you how to ask questions and now you don't even know when to ask questions.



M: You know what, forget it. I'll figure it out by myself.



D: you can laugh and think what you want, but I'm just trying to teach you when to ask questions.



M: You could've taken this time to teach me about the funeral ceremony happening tomorrow, but instead you decided to "teach" me when to ask a question.



D: I answered your question, you asked me about the ceremony and I told you to find out on the internet.



M: I don't want to use the internet, I've used the internet my whole life because no one answered my questions. Now that we're sitting here and literally nothing is happening right now, I want you to answer a couple questions about the ceremony. Why can't you just answer the questions?



D: I'm relaxing right now, you don't ask people questions when they're relaxing.



M: Alright, nevermind. Forget I ever asked anything.



D: I'm just-



M: No no, don't worry about it, you're relaxing right now, I don't want to bother you. It's fine.



D: Everything you want to know is on the internet. Just look it up yourself.



M: yep that's what I'm doing right now, thank you for your great advice.



-----------------------



Now, **AM I THE ASSHOLE** for bothering my own father while he was relaxing and asking questions about the family funeral? Should I have handled that differently? Personally I don't think I'm an asshole, but that's why I'm posting here. I want your opinion.



TL;DR: I ask my biological father about family customs and ceremony rituals and admitting this would be a bonding experience for us, he tells me to look on the internet instead of bothering him while he's relaxing. He proceeds to lecture me about the right time to ask questions instead of teaching me about the family rituals. AITA?