Is AUTHOR wrong in the post ? POST : (Apologies in advance for a ju y formatting issues. I'm on mobile.)

TL;DR: My dad committed suicide and we hadn't spoken recently at all. I hate him for this.



A little background info:

My parents have been divorced since I was 15, I'm 25 now. He cheated on my mother while stationed in South America and married her a year or so after the divorce. He then had a couple children with her, a son and daughter, a little later on. This was obviously upsetting for me, but did not ruin my relationship with him. I still loved him dearly. We didn't talk or see each other much since he got sent to Japan for the majority of the past decade, but he would come back once a year or so and we would spend a couple days together. He retired from the Air Force in late 2017 and began work as a civilian contractor back in the states in February of 2018.

I don't know why, but we still rarely talked. The last time I spoke to him was January of 2017. This is now my absolutely deepest regret. I wish so much that I tried to reach out and tell him that I loved him more often...

I got a call at 4 am on a Monday morning from his wife telling me that he had shot and killed himself. So I drove over 20 hours to be with her, my very young half siblings, and my grandparents. While there, I learned that my dad and stepmother had gotten into an argument due to him drinking excessively, so he was drunk when he did it. Apparently he would drink quite a bit almost every single night. It escalated into a very heated screaming match. She said she was going to call the cops. Apparently he told her, "If you call the cops, then it's all over". She ended up locking herself in the bathroom (not to call them, just to calm down) and while she was in there, she heard a gunshot come from the living room. My dad had shot himself in the head with an AK-47. 

Now to get to the point. 

I recently expressed to my sister that as much as I love my father and am still absolutely devastated, heartbroken and confused. I also *hate* him for what he's done. This upset my sister, she called me an asshole and was disappointed that I could hate my dad for it.

I know mostly everyone would obviously be incredibly sad about this situation, but no one has ever brought up that you could be furiously angry with your loved one for killing themselves.

I love him very much, but i undeniably hate him right now for killing himself.

Am I an asshole for thinking this way? Am I an asshole for bringing these feelings up to my sister?