So two major parts of my life converged recently and I’m just devastated and question pretty much all my actions, hence why I’m posting here because I may be acting awful to two people I love dearly.

So part one is Tammy. My best friend since elementary school. She is literally my sister. We have done pretty much everything together, same college, same dorm, roommates, confidants, sloppy drunk mates, you name it. I love her so much.

Part two is Gregory. My college boyfriend. I love him as well but we just could never make things work. Had one of those hot mess relationships which are a combination of torture and bliss. We have dated off and on since freshman orientation (all of us are 27 now) but usually end up in flames. I always loved him so much that I hoped we’d mature and be able to make things work. He move to a different city after college but we’d stay in touch, send flirty texts and even went on vacation twice. We got along great as long as we both had our own places to retreat to if that makes sense. All along we both had dating lives and to be fair I never told him about my long term idea that we’d be together. 

A year ago Tammy moved to a city about 30 minutes away from Gregory. She was having a really hard time meeting people so I told her since she knew Gregory so well, she should call him and see if he can introduce her to his group of friends. She did and I knew she was much happier. About 3 months after that the flirty texts from Gregory just stopped out of the blue which isn’t that big of a deal because it’s happebed before but looking back I should have known what was coming. 

Tammy just came home for the weekend and said she was making a special trip just to see me. Of course I was super excited to see her. She came over and she just seemed a little off. First she told me she was pregnant, after we got past the shock and established she was happy and keeping the baby I was elated to be an aunt. Then she said there’s more and this is really hard. I about died when she said the baby is Gregory’s. She apologized and said she was so sorry, they had just hit it off and they didn’t mean to do anything to hurt me and they even tried breaking up for my sake but they just realized there was too much of an attraction and they started dating. She hadn’t planned on getting pregnant but now that she is, they are getting married.  She said she hoped this didn’t hurt me and she always dreamed about me being her maid of honor and there’s no one else she’s ever ask. 

I tried to keep my cool but I just lost it. I wasn’t mad at her, just really really sad. I told her that I loved her but I just couldn’t be around her right now and no way I could even go to thier wedding let alone be in the wedding party. She said she was sorry about a million times as she was leaving and she texted me quite a bit wanting to see me before she left town on Sunday. I just couldn’t do it. I literally cried all weekend. 

Here’s the thing...if I were necer in the picture...they make a perfect couple. Perfect. Tammy’s brand of “firey” is a Much better match to Gregory’s calm nature than mine. They are both gorgeous and smart and great with kids. If two people should be hooking up to be great partners and parents, it’s those two. I just can’t help being hurt. 

Am I the asshole for not wanting to be her maid of honor?