sorry for the throwaway.


i've been struggling with some less, some more serious mental health issues which are causing me to have severe moodswings, hallucinations, paranoia and more. i've been having these problems for over four years now, been on and off medication, was sent to a mental health clinic four times, been in and oit of therapy and i'm just tired of living at this point.

a year ago, i got back into school after not going for two years. i've handled my anxiety pretty well and actually found some friends.
after a few months, they became more aware about my problems and tried their best to help, but, being honestly, i didn't want help. i still don't want to recover, because i feel like after so much time, it isn't worth it anymore and i don't have the strength to keep fighting.


a few weeks ago, things kind of escalated and i had a breakdown. only two of my friends now. they are very sweet and still try to help, but i can see how miserable and worried they get whenever we talk about it. i even told them that i'd get it if they prefered not to talk to me about that, or to me in general because i didn't want to pull them down with me (i know that both of them have problems like that themselves), but they insist they'll be fine.

i'm not sure what to do.
i noticed how sad they are getting and i feel like it's my fault, because i gave up on myself and they didn't.


am i the asshole here?