I'm a cocktail of mental illness -- depression and insomnia being the factors in this specific issue. I still do function well enough in life, but I feel like I put an incredible amount of stress on my SO.

Often, I cannot sleep, so I tend to head off on my own at unusual times in the night. My outings are nothing eventful. Sometimes, it's a walk at a nearby park. Sometimes, it's a visit to the grocery store (for nothing in particular). Sometimes, it's a highway drive.

This usually calms me down, and by the time I come back home, I'm in a much better state mentally.

The problem is that my SO worries *immensely.* My outings are mostly unpredictable, and when I'm in a bad mental state, I isolate myself. I don't want to be touched. I don't talk to anyone or look at anyone. I don't check my phone, usually leaving it behind or silencing it and putting it aside.

There are many times when I need the quiet and to be away from other people, just for a while. Whenever I have these episodes, I block out a lot of external stimuli in order to cope.

So when I leave, I don't say anything. He doesn't know where I'll be or how long I'll be gone, until I come back home and am back to my normal self.

One night in particular, he asked me not to go, and to come back to bed. But instead, I told him that this was something that I needed to do and that I would be back very soon. I left. When I came back -- sometime around 2 or 3 am -- I saw that he'd been crying while I was gone.

I was shocked and felt extremely guilty. So I apologized as much as I could, gave him a hug, and went right back to bed.

I feel like during my "episodes," I can be incredibly cold. I reject any physical contact. I don't want to talk. Essentially, I become unresponsive, and this hurts my SO a lot.

When I'm my normal self, all is good. It's great actually. We have fun, talk plenty about everything, run errands together, and go out. Or we spend nights in, reading, studying, watching videos, etc. -- just generally living and enjoying life together.

It's just that, in order to be normal, I need these night outings to myself. That time alone keeps me sane. However, every time I leave, reject a hug, or become unresponsive, it upsets him -- immensely. Yet it's difficult for me not to be this way. This is my coping mechanism.

Am I the asshole for constantly leaving my SO at night for alone time?