Not sure if this is the right sub but I needed to tell my story and get an unbiased opinion. Using a throwaway account as I am not interested in Karma and the details are very private so I wish to remain anonymous. Warning this is long, as I am a very detailed person. This is just one issue in a very hard year, as there is much more.

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To start off I guess, my son is dead. My little boy was 13 months old. A pillar of health. We cherished and looked after that boy with all we had. His perfect on Tuesday and Dying on Wednesday, and passed 7 days later. This is a whole other story unto itself.  I got along well enough with my in-laws. my mother-in-law acts very immature and erratic. My wife told her mom used to an alcoholic. As I got more confident in my relationship with my wife I told her "I think your mom might have alcoholic brain damage"

Where I need help is this...

My son needed emergency surgery as his brain, for unexplained reasons, was swelling. They had to remove part of his skull to allow for the expansion. My parents arrived within an hour of my call. My in-laws (whom this post is about) arrived much later even though they live 30 mins closer.

My in-laws left as quickly as they arrived. My parents however stayed.  They slept on waiting room coffee tables waiting to hear if our little boy would live. He made it through that first surgery, only to pass away the day after mother's day.

My parents never left our side. Even though they had brought no clothes or supplies. My in laws on the other hand did not reappear until it was time to say goodbye. My mother-in-law arrived in Pajama shorts and a t shirt that was too small to hid her girth. She began to ask the nurse if they ever treated any murders.

As we took our time saying our goodbyes, she noisily played games on her iPad.

The nurses arranged it so we could take him outside one last time even though he was on life support. You see our son rarely cried but whenever he did we simply took him outside. It cheered him up instantly. Being outdoors was his favorite place in the world.

My wife went first, and held him one last time beneath the stars to say goodbye before I even had my turn my mother in law asked us to hurry up. I was furious. I told her in he calmest voice I could muster "leave". I meant for her to go home. She took it as permission to go inside. She stopped to clarify and I just said "Go!"

We brought my son back inside and they disconnected him from the machines that kept him alive. It was the hardest thing ever. (I have been diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety and PTSD and I am on anti-depressants as a result.)

While we were waiting for him to pass on he slowly was turning grey my mother in law decided to clean up his hospital room. Problem with that is as you know she wasn't there, so the stuff she was throwing out was our paperwork from the social worker for grief support etc.  My mom stopped her from throwing it out. While I yelled at her to stop. All the while my father-in-law and sister-in-law sat there doing nothing with annoyed looks.

When he was finally gone, my wife had to wait for the nurses to remove him from her arms, which is quite difficult as he was limp. My mother-in-law left immediately. When my wife got up she asked crying "where is my mom? I need a hug".

We did not see or speak to my in laws for 2 days. We couldn't bear the hurt on top of the grief. I decided to clear the air and invited just my father-in law for lunch. He arrived and made idle chit chat and then got up to leave. I said what about lunch? He said he needed to get home. We told him to wait; we needed to discussed somethings.

We described how hurt we were by my mother in laws behavior and he said she just didn't cope well. We said we would do our best to understand, but while we are sorting out our feelings please ask her not to disturb us, and also if she is struggling that she has the option not to come to our son's visitation, we would understand. His response was "well I guess I'll go home and kill myself".

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I have no clue what he said to my mother-in-law. Next thing we know she phones and says "I hear you are upset with me. TOO. FUCKING.BAD. I won't be at the visitation." 'Click'

I was furious. I feel like I had just failed as a father, I was not going to fail as a husband. I immediately called her back and tore her a new one. Her response was "I am not going to talk to you if you are going to use that language".

I said "Fuck you! you don't get to swear at my grieving wife and then claim some kind of moral high ground!" She hung up on me. She immediately phone my wife who has said and done nothing at this point. She calls my wife a fucking bitch and hangs up. She begins to phone us every 2 seconds. The she starts sending threatening texts that she will harm us.

I call my father-in-law and told him to get things under control or I am calling the police. He begged me not to call the cops and took away her phone.

The calls stopped.

We did not receive any support from my wife's family. They did not attend any events prior to his Visitation. My father in-law showed up late to my sons visitation in cargo shirt and an old golf shirt.

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A few days pass. I call my wife's aunt who I have gotten to know a little as they are not a close family.

I asked her for some perspective on the my mother-in law. She said they had a falling out over 20 years ago. The aunt had apparently cancelled a sleep over between my wife and her cousin. The cousin didn't want to go anymore.

My mother-in-law told the aunt "I hope you die". She then drove over to their home knocked on the aunt's door and told her again face to face "I hope you die". Apparently My wife's family disappeared for 3 years. the extended family had no idea where they were.

Then we spoke to my Wife's grandmother. She told us that my mother in law was diagnosed as bi-polar years ago and has a history of violent behavior, including smashing the grandmother in a car door, repeatedly.

The grandmother says re-iterates that they lost track of my wife and in-laws whereabouts for 3 years. She feared that she would be violent towards my wife. My wife broke into tears saying that her mother had beaten her repeatedly in her drunken stupors.

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Now we have a clearer picture. my Mother in-law is mentally ill.

My father-in-law knew this and hid it from his children. He knew how unstable his wife was and still brought her to the hospital. He completely mismanaged the situation by keeping everyone in the dark. My wife asked him very respectfully for a break in communication(advice from her therapist) as she needed to heal and her family was hurting more than helping.

Its been a few months and we finally heard from him again. I have copy and pasted his email below

 "I hope you are doing well, you are always in my thoughts. I'm   
writing this email because we really need your help with mom.  
She has been in the psych. ward in the Brantford hospitable twice, once   
for 6 days and then for over 2 weeks.  
The root of this problem was her reaction to Luca's passing and how her   
reaction to this was treated. As her therapist says, everybody reacts to   
death differently and no two people grieve the same. I think it would be   
healthier if you two could  get past this and start a healing process.  
At the present your mother is sliding back into her very depressed   
state, brought on by two things: the absence of Lucas and the absence of   
her eldest daughter. She said this to her therapist at her latest session.  
I'm sure mum miss's you and thinks of you often but is nervous to reach   
out to you as you may not be ready for this.  
Moms therapist is very concerned with your moms mental state so........I   
think a phone call or set up a visit ( just you ) to see if you two can   
reconnect at some level, even if it's meeting at a coffee shop or at   
mom's therapist's office. Whatever you are both comfortable with.  
It may or may not work but I see this as a good viable option to whats   
going on now.  
So, mull this over and please let me know if us getting together is a   
possibility. We would really like it to be.  
Love Dad. "

In her response my wife told him everything we had learned and pointed out how he had failed as a father, including this email which was void of fatherly concern for her well being. She did offer to meet with mother in laws therapist, if it would help.

His response was "Sorry to have disappointed you. Have a nice life!"

I was furious with this email. Not only did he not care about my wife's mental state, he did not try to reestablish communications first before making an ask.

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My wife has made the decision she is done with her parents. I have supported her decision as they have been toxic to both our recovery.

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