I'm going to try give you the most unbiased version of this that I can, but since I'm the one writing it, and not the other party, it is safe to assume some trace of bias will exist.

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I am a 36 year old, high-functioning autistic male. I've been married to my wife (36 year old neurotypical woman) for 5 years now. We have two children, a 4 year old autistic daughter, and a 2 year old neurotypical son. It has been my wife's dream, since forever, to do foster care.

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I work in marketing and design with a dream to become a professional animator. My wife has always been incredibly supportive of this dream (watching the kids so I can work on my animation, picking up extra work so I can attend animation courses, etc) She has really gone above and beyond. I was not diagnosed until recently, earlier this year to be exact. Before this time, I didn't really know what I didn't know. I struggle with identifying emotional needs and then meeting those needs. That's a huge deal. Until my diagnosis, my wife apparently just thought I was kind of a selfish dick. I'm a good person at heart, and I do a lot of things to show this, so I imagine she had some cognizant dissonance, else she probably would have just dropped me like a bad habit, rightfully so. 

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We've constantly been working on this, moreso, and more effectively since my diagnosis. I am becoming more and more aware and really working hard to improve my capacity to meet her needs. I love my wife very much and I love the family we have built. I recognize I have weaknesses and am trying to learn to accommodate those while also playing to my strengths. I'd say things in our relationship are better right now than they have been since before we had children (which I credit to having massively less amounts of stress in our lives).   


The reason for the background information, is that one of the things my wife has complained about is feeling that her hopes and dreams took a back seat to mine. In reality, the way it played out, they have...in my mind, I think, "If you would have just told me you wanted to do XYZ we could have done it!"... She says there was never a point in our life where she felt like she had the ability to do that, as my needs seem to have engulfed our life.  Thanks Autism.

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She is correct. I would do anything for her and am willing to make sacrifices for her, even moreso now that I recognize how much it has been neglected. So, back to the matter at hand. She wants to do foster care. This is something that I have zero interest in, never have. However, it's not something I am against. I think it's a wonderful thing. It means the world to my wife, so yes, I have agreed to do it. We had to take a classes over a few weekends to get licensed. We weren't able to go to them together as someone had to be here to watch our children, so she took her classes first, and then I took mine a few months later, every Saturday for a few weeks. My wife was married previously to a man who also agreed to do the foster care, but when the time came to take a placement, he backed out and said he had only done it to make her happy...which is a terrible thing to do, but I believe this fear is something she still harbors, and its understandable.

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We have since become licensed foster parents. (Resource parents is the correct term now I think). We had a family member's child, who had been taken into custody, living with us for a few weeks before we were licensed. She is now with another family member. Since being licensed we have done respite care for a \~8 year old girl who also has autism...the stays have ranged from a weekend to 2 weeks. My daughter has had a real hard time adjusting to the respite placement when she is here. I don't know if it is specific to that girl or just someone cramping my kid's style in general. To be fair, that girl was up her butt constantly and my daughter prefers her space.  


So, we currently do not have a placement with us. My wife is pregnant (due in June). She suffers from Hyperemessis (I have no clue how to spell this...it's like morning sickness, but on steroids...she is sick all day every day, struggles to stay hydrated and to eat enough...constant danger of losing too much weight). I try to do what I can to help. My struggles with executive function (thanks again Autism) make what I can do, not quite as much as I or she would like. We're always behind on housework for example. I say we, I mean I am always behind on housework, for example.

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When it comes to bedtime, my daughter does not sleep well at all. On a given night, she doesn't go to bed until midnight, sometimes as late as 3 am (thanks Autism again). In b4 suggestions for getting her to sleep....we have tried everything short of sleeping medication, which I am not comfortable giving a child. Generally melatonin helps the most. Regardless, I opt to stay up with her so my wife can sleep as I feel she needs it more than I do....so every night I am up at least until midnight, usually later. It's not just hanging out with my daughter either. We do get to spend a lot of cuddle time, but much of it is her being super upset because she wants to sleep but can't...laying down, thrashing, popping up and running about, crying, rinse and repeat. It's exhausting. This then compounds the above executive function issues.

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So the morning comes, my wife lets me sleep usually until she needs my help with something, bless her....but I still wake up thoroughly beaten and exhausted from the anxiety + stress of the night before. But, we're making do...we are improving, I am finding and practicing ways to work around my shortcomings. She actually told me yesterday "You have been such a big help this pregnancy and I really appreciate it"  which made my heart swell, because in the previous pregnancies a complaint was that I did not do enough to try to help out and make her time easier....I always wanted to, I just did not recognize how. So this little thing, is a big thing for me. I have an appointment to begin seeing a counselor the second week in January, which I am very optimistic is just going to help me further with ways to cope and work with my adversity. So on the whole, things are looking up....now comes the real issue (sorry but I think the background info was important)

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Today we received a call from DHS. They have two brothers that need to be placed. a 3 month old baby and a 2 year old boy. DHS says the 2 year old has no behaviors that would be dangerous to our children, which we both have agreed would be a deal-breaker. They said the children have a family member who 'might' take them....I learned from my class and asking my own questions that DHS will say anything above the law to get a child placed, and making us feel like it might be temporary is a tactic that is often used. The children are coming from a different foster home where they have already been for a month. They were taken from their parents for substance abuse. I don't believe this would be a short-term placement. The other foster parent who the children would be coming from is dealing with some health issues, which is why she is not keeping the children herself. Fair enough.

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So my wife asks if we can take them. My mind is flooded with a billion thoughts. I know she wants to. "I want to have a baby to snuggle and I think our son would love having a buddy to play with."....those are true statements, and I understand them. I'm a super logical person, and to be honest, what I am thinking is the following:  


We currently have our hands full with our two kids, mostly due to my own shortcomings, which I am working hard to improve. 

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You (wife) are so sick all the time..most days you take a nap while I watch the kids so you can get a break. There's no way I am going to be able to properly care for 3 children and an infant while also doing my work (I work from home...moved my computer right into the kitchen so i can work while watching/playing with my kids, so my wife can try to get some rest)  


Our kids don't sleep...my son goes to bed around 9pm, my wife sleeps with him, and he wakes up a few times during the night. I am up with my daughter anywhere from 12-3am. Now add two more children, one being an infant to that mix....  


I feel like my wife is thinking of the positive things but not considering the very real negative things. I feel like if it was one of these children...either just the baby or just the 2 year old, it would be tough but we could handle it and adjust. I expressed these fears to her and she listened, and even said "yes, I think those are valid concerns." and I even expressed that I don't want her to think I'm leading her on, getting licensed just to make her happy but not taking any children (as I've said, we've had a respite placement already, and if this was just one child, I really believe I would have been uncomfortable (thanks autism) but I would have done it, because I know what it means to her and I know it would be ok). She said she knew that is not what I was doing.  


So I said, "I don't think it's a good idea to take a 2 year old and a 3 month old right now. I think it would be too much stress on our family."  


"So that is how I feel. But if you truly believe it is a good idea and it is so meaningful to you, if you want to do it, I will support you."

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Queue nuclear disaster.  


Now she is extremely pissed off. Told me that her dreams are not important to me and that everything is about me. That I make all the decisions and she gets no say, that she's never going to be able to do the things she wants to do, etc, etc."  


I asked her if she would feel this way still if they had called with one child...she said , "Yes because you would have said no to that to