Throwaway because I’m honestly a little ashamed to be telling this story/asking this question. It’s long, I’m sorry. I’m trying to be thorough. 

A little backstory: shit’s been rough lately. I used to be very outgoing, very spunky, had many friends. I ran a small local business and was very involved in the community. I’ve never had many problems with friends before, at least not on my end (that anyone has told me about at least). I made friends relatively easily—though I was still picky and cautious about who I let get super close to me—and have never been the kind of girl who’s a gossip or has big falling outs with friends or lots of drama. For the most part, my friendships (definitely the close ones) last a long time...like years, decades long. 

But almost three years ago I was in an accident and it fucked everything up. I broke my spine and got a brain injury. I’ve already had one surgery and we’re waiting on number two. I had to move back in with my parents and temporarily close my business. I cannot do a lot of basic things for myself...including bathing. It’s been extremely hard on me, not just physically, but also mentally. To add to the craziness, I was recently diagnosed with cancer, and then almost immediately after, sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend. It’s been a ride, y’all. 

But over the last few months I’ve lost **everyone,** and I don’t know why. 

Three of my very best and closest girlfriends have straight up ghosted me. These girls helped me through my first surgery two years ago no problem. These were the girls who were my cheerleaders and helpers for my business, who threw me surprise birthday parties and called me when shit was going down in their lives. I thought we were ride or die. But when I asked girlfriend 1 (we’ll call her Micha) if she still had pictures of her wedding cake that I made for her a few years back, her answer was oddly distant and cold. When I tried to reply, I was blocked. No hints, no conversation, just blocked. 

I asked girlfriend 2 (let’s call her Kelly) about it to see if she knew what was wrong, and she brushed it off. “I think Micha was scared because you mentioned committing suicide (over a year ago).” This didn’t make any sense. Micha was the girlfriend I’d had the longest of the three, and she saw me through a horrible breakup in college where depression and suicide was mentioned. I did the same for her about a year later. That had never been a spooky topic before. And besides, that comment had happened over a year ago. I figured she just must need space and dropped it. 

Then maybe a month later, Kelly says life is too busy to continue talking to me, and she wants a break. She sends that message to me and at least one other mutual friend. I didn’t take it personally at the time because she was pulling away from everyone, not just me. I was concerned for her, but I wanted to respect her wishes so I told her that I loved her and whenever she was ready to chat and hangout again I would be here. 

Buuuut a month-ish after that is when my doctor first said “you might have cancer, I’m sending you to an oncologist.” I was freaked the fuck out. I felt so alone and scared and I didn’t want to tell my parents because it wasn’t a definite yet and I didn’t want to worry them. I needed my best friend so badly. So I called Kelly. She didn’t answer (which I expected), so I left her a tearful voicemail apologizing for calling and saying that I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful and invade her space, but the doc says I might have cancer and I was very scared. I just wanted a hug, honestly. She never returned my call. 

Girlfriend 3 (Nancy) moved to another state about a year ago, but we still stayed very close. Sending big birthday packages, long chats, lots of pictures back and forth and keeping each other very involved. She was supposed to be coming home soon and promised to visit, as my place is right down the road from her parents. But suddenly she stopped messaging too, around the same time as Kelly. I finally sent her a text that just said “Nancy, I have something important to tell you.” after the diagnosis was confirmed. She said “So do I. You go first.” I asked her if she could FaceTime, but she said she was still at work, so I said that was fine we can chat when she gets off or tomorrow, whatever works best for her. I never heard back. 

I sent all three girls a “wtf is going on” message one tearful night not too long ago. It was long, and probably overwhelming (in fact I sent an apology for the length the next day) but honestly, for a “best friend” it shouldn’t have been some crazy message. I told each of them my diagnosis and that I’m truly at the lowest of the low right now. I feel like I’m trapped in this shell of my body and there’s nothing I can do. I begged them to please tell me what I did wrong to make them ghost so I can fix it. I pleaded with each of them not to leave. But I also told them that they really hurt me, and I felt like I have been abandoned by those that I trusted the most during my deepest tome of need. I sent this individually over Facebook messenger because I naively thought that maybe I wasn’t getting replies because their phones were dead or something. I have been left on read for all three of them, and Micha deleted me as a friend immediately after reading my message. 

I don’t know what to do guys. All I can think of is that saying “if you keep smelling dog shit everywhere you go, maybe you should check your shoes.” Please tell me, AMITA? I’m so fucking mad at them. I would never straight up ghost a normal friend, never mind a best friend. *Especially* after they tell me that they have cancer, godfuckingdamn. It feels so shitty and I’m honestly more torn up about it than I am about the cancer.   
I can provide more details if you want, I just didn’t want to make this longer than it already is. Thank you for reading. 