In December, my boyfriend and I had sex and the condom broke. I didn't think of using plan B as I have PCOS and was told it would be hard for me to have children without treatment, so at that point I was mostly worried about STDs. One month later I bought a pregnancy test as my period was late and it came back positive right away. I can't describe how I felt at that moment, I was euphoric because I realized I could have children but also terrified because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep my baby although I wanted it more than anything in the world.

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I come from a very very conservative family, honour killings are frequent where my parents are from. I'm not allowed to date, let alone have sex before marriage, so them knowing about the pregnancy would be a death sentence for me. My cousin was severly beaten up by her father and brothers for hanging out with a boy after school. If they found out, they would take me to their home country and kill me there, and no one would know about it. They would also find a way to hurt my boyfriend. My parents trust me entirely and think I'm a virgin, they would lose their mind over this. 

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My boyfriend and I have often talked about what we would do if I got pregnant. He told me he would be there for me, get a full time job, an appartment. He always said it would be a blessing to have kids with me. I have told him about how my parents would react but he wouldn't understand. He thought they would be mad at me but would eventually let it go, but I know my parents and they would definetly not react this way. If my boyfriend found out I was pregnant he would'nt have let me get an abortion. I know he would have been thrilled to be a father.

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So when I found out I was pregnant I knew what I had to do, but I was terrified, angry and disgusted at myself for doing this to my baby. I was nine weeks pregnant when I had a medical abortion at the hospital all by myself. 

I keep thinking about what would have happened if I was born into a different, more tolerant family. It's been five weeks since the abortion and I feel extremely disgusted with myself for doing this behind my boyfriend's back. It was his baby too and I really wish we could have kept it.

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tl;dr : I got pregnant and got an abortion to avoid being a victim of honour killing. I hid the pregnancy and abortion from my boyfriend because he would have wanted me to keep it, and doesn't believe what my parents are capable of in order to save their "honour". AITA ?

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