Bill:  I got me a nice one , and I hung it on the den wall in my house . My neighbor comes over and he says , " Did you shoot that thing ? " I said , " Nope . He ran through the wall and got stuck . Here 's your sign . "
Ron White: Hey Bill , tell the one when we were in Buffalo . You know , the one where we were doing that show in Buffalo and you lost your ah ...
Bill: Oh God . We were doing a show in Buffalo , New York . And we land at the airport , and we go down to get our luggage , and mine did n't show up , which I know happens . So we go down to the lost luggage , where everyone is in * such a good mood ! * Who applies for that job ? Who says , I want to work in lost luggage ? You do n't have a good day ! It 's like a job emptying porta - potties , you 're just gon na catch crap all day long !
Jeff: That is beautiful , did you just make that up ?
Bill: Yeah . I like to use analogies in my show . That 's where they compare things ... So , anyway . I 'm trying to be nice to this woman in lost luggage , and I say , " Excuse me ! " And she goes , " Can I help you ? " I said , " Yes ma'am . You lost my luggage . " She looks me right in the eye , and goes , " Has your plane landed yet ? " I said , " No princess ! I 'm having an out - of - body experience ! I 'm just checking on them ! " Here 's your sign !
Jeff: I hate to stop you , 'cause I know you have so many good ones , but I 've got one for you . This happened to me last week . We 're in the process of remodeling our house ; we 've been doing it for a while now . And we have the painters in , putting sheets up around the furniture , you know ? And we have a piano , just a regular , up against the wall piano . One of the painters said to me , " Is that y' all 's piano ? " I said , " Nah , that 's our coffee table , it just has buckteeth ! " Here 's your sign !
Larry The Cable Guy: All right , let me try one of these " Bill Engvall Here 's Your Sign ders . "
Jeff: I 'm sorry ! I did not mean to start this up ...
Larry The Cable Guy: No , you knew this ! Your next album will go " Aluminum ! " My grandma , is uh , covered in moles . No . My grandma , just re'nly passed away . Hundred and four years old . S'right , but they saved the baby .
Bill: I do n't think he 's kidding !
Larry The Cable Guy: No , my grandma just recently passed away . Hundred and four years old . So , I go up there to the flow'r feller , to get a card , and some flow'rs .
Jeff: Wait , wait . You bought a card , for your dead grandmother ?
Larry The Cable Guy: They had 'em there .
Jeff: I know I 'm going to regret this . What did it say ?
Larry The Cable Guy: Get well soon ! Anyway , I go to the flow'r feller , and get her flow'rs , and a card . And he asks me what this is for . And I tell him my grandma just passed away , hundred and four years old . And he says , " Ooh , a hundred and four ? How 'd she die ? " How 'd she die ; she 's a hundred and four ! She wrecked her Harley up there at BikeWeek ! Here 's your sign !
Ron White: Hey Bill , I 've got _ one _ . My son , Tater Tot , is covered with moles . No , my son , when he was six years old , was going to fly by himself from Dallas to Austin , to spend a week with his grandparents . I 'm putting him on the plane ; his grandmother is going to take him off the plane . And the woman who I was buying the ticket from asks , " Is there going to be anyone in Austin to pick him up when he gets off the plane ? " Nope , I 'm gon na pin a twenty dollar bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck ! Here 's your sign !
Jeff: Bill , what do you say you try one ?
Bill: Yeah , let me give it a shot ! The other , a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road . I had it pulled over to the side , and there 's just smoke pouring out of the motor . A guy stops to see if I 'm all right , but he asks the stupid question . He said , " Car break down ? " I said , " Nah , car wanted a cigarette , so I pulled over ! " Here 's your sign ! I was in the store the other day , and I 'm buying some new pants . I put the pants on the counter to buy them , and the little girl behind the counter goes , " Are you gon na buy those ? " I said , " Nope , gon na steal them ! I just wanted you to see them before I walked out with them . " Here 's your sign !
Larry The Cable Guy: Hey , tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha - callit .
Jeff: Yeah , Bill . Tell 'em about the one you did over at the whatcha - callit .
Ron White: He just ended a sentence in nine prepositions .
Jeff: He a over - achiever .
Larry The Cable Guy: I do n't know about all that , but ...