Simon Wellington:  It 's very simple . I was looking for a fox .
Colin Priestley: Right . Jesus . It 's our own fault . We train you guys to talk bollocks in the House of Commons and the television studio , but please spare me the dispatch box stare . I 'm not Leader of the Opposition . I 'm an intelligent man .
Simon Wellington: A fox . Really . There are foxes on the heath . It 's quite a sight . I like to go there after doing my red boxes .
Colin Priestley: Simon . Simon . As the Prime Minister 's Press Secretary , you take more confessions than a priest , so I 've heard the best lies in the business and yours is the political equivalent of " the dog ate my homework " .
Simon Wellington: If I were making up a cover story , I 'd make up something less ridiculous than this .
Colin Priestley: You had scratches and torn clothing .
Simon Wellington: I was mugged . Regrettably , these two men stopped to help me . That 's how the story got out . Where 's the selfish , uncaring society when you need it ?
Colin Priestley: Simon , do me and yourself a favour . You 're gay . It 's what we call a " moma " .
Simon Wellington: I 'm sorry ?
Colin Priestley: Moment of madness . That _ one _ 's a bit inky . Have to think of a new one for your press release . Minute of misjudgement . Flash of ... Well , maybe not flash , but whatever .
Simon Wellington: Look , call me a leaker , call me a plotter , call me anti - European , but I 'm not gay .
Colin Priestley: Simon , you probably think that being gay is the wrong answer , which is why you 're lying , but it 's the right answer . The PM 's got most of the country now , but even after a couple of gay Cabinet ministers the pink flag does n't exactly flap for him . So we 're going to appoint a minister for fudge packers and muff divers - as the electorate will learn to stop calling them - except we ca n't find a gay minister .
Simon Wellington: Well , what about ...
Colin Priestley: Mandelson wo n't take it . Said something about stereotyping . But then look what the fox dragged in .
Simon Wellington: I 'm not gay .
Colin Priestley: Simon , you have 48 hours to decide . " Out and proud " is the press release I 'm planning . If you 're out , you 're in , and if you 're in , you 're out .