First and foremost, your feelings are legitimate and important. The fact that your mother survived her childhood has no bearing on your feelings and whether or not you deserve to have them. Please take care of yourself, future you will be grateful for it.     Most colleges give students access to mental health professionals, as the first year can be rough for many. My ex used them, I've used them; it helps to just have an unbiased party to talk to. I will caution you to brace yourself, talk therapy is designed to help you figure out why you're having these feelings, why you're depressed. Sometimes those are hard bridges to cross, but I promise it gets easier.     Usually I'm against taking student loans, but that may be a viable option for you to pay for your dorms, or even housing close to campus, which can be cheaper. If you're practical and realistic with what you borrow, you may be able to get out with minimal debt.     And for what it's worth, save this number, it could save you: 1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Prevention Hotline)