TEXT: Act One Scene One - Frasier's apartment. Daphne is sitting at the dinner table. Martin enters from the kitchen, carrying a bag of potato chips. As he opens the bag, Eddie runs in. Martin: Oh, how does he always hear me? Daphne: He doesn't. He just swings through every twenty minutes. He knows you'll be eating some kind of junk. Martin: Well, I don't want him eating these. Daphne: Well, then do what I do when I want Eddie away from me. I make a sound like [high-pitched] La la la la la la la la la la la! Eddie runs to the couch and buries his head in the cushions. Martin: That's mean! Daphne: Why? It doesn't really hurt his ears. He just finds certain noises irritating. Frasier and Niles enter, returning from the opera. They are wearing tuxedoes and singing an aria - badly. Eddie dashes off to the bedrooms. Frasier: That was the most riveting production of Wagner I have seen this season. Niles: I still have goose bumps from when Klingsor summoned Kundry with a terrible cry and ordered her to seduce Parsifal: "Ha! Er Ist Shun Der Knabe!" Martin: Well, I had a pretty good night too. Took myself a nice, hot bath. And, remember that corn I had on my toe? Well, it got so soft I was just able to peel it right off. Niles: Um... it's going to be difficult for me to top that, but I have some rather exciting news myself. I'm sure you're all familiar with the Safford case that's been in the papers recently? Martin: Oh, you mean that scum-sucking jerk who's trying to get his father committed? Niles: Yes. Well, guess who's been retained by that scum-sucking jerk! I'm going to be testifying as an expert witness at Mr. Safford's capacity hearing. Martin: Wait a minute. You're gonna help sell that poor old guy down the
SUMMARY:
Niles announces that he has been retained to testify in a high-profile legal action to be broadcast on Court TV; local millionaire Harlow Safford (Donald O'Connor) is, at age 78, apparently showing signs of senility, so his son is trying to get him committed. Niles has agreed to speak as an expert witness to Safford's mental instability. Frasier is persuaded by Safford that his eccentricities are merely his effort to embrace life and make the most of his health while he still can, and give something back to the world that has been kind to him. Frasier decides to testify in favor of Safford, but in court, his senility is confirmed.