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BRUCE Yeah, cats...ever since I was a kid... (snorting and weeping) Look, I'd better get some fresh air. Maybe another time, okay... |
LEAD GUARD No sir, Mr. Provost.We came straight from the bank vault. |
GUARD II 'Copter should be just touching down. We'll have you safely out of here in no time. "Here Comes Santa Claus" echoes up from the streets.BATMAN watches as a COPTER descends toward the HELIPAD on the roof of the Globe... PROVOST and the LEAD GUARD with the raven box are at an elevator bank.The other GUARDS head for a stairwell. |
GUARD II We'll check the stairs.See you on the roof. |
PROVOST No -- my private elevator.It's safer. shooting DOWN on the car as it rises.The shaft above it is filled with BIRDS -- starlings, crows, pigeons and the like, swooping and gliding among the gears and cables... In BG, the helicopter on its pad, idling noisily, the rotors still spinning.In FG, the small dormer-like structure that houses the STAIRWAY.The metal access door opens, and the first of the GUARDS steps warily out, rifle at the ready.He smiles back at his pal. |
GUARD No way.They don't pay us enough to tangle with Batm-- |
PROVOST What is it??What's happening?? |
GUARD There.See?It's moving.We're fine. |
PROVOST It's going down.We're going DOWN!!! The BIRDS in the shaft have all ROOSTED on the TOP OF THE CAR. They're patiently riding it down as it descends... The car stops again.PROVOST is totally losing it.The exasperated GUARD grabs him and SHAKES HIM. |
GUARD Okay, Mr. Provost -- I'm gonna have a look through the trap door.But I need you to help me.Okay?You have to help. |
GUARD Probably just some bird that's gotten in the shaft.Now calm down.You'll have to give me a boost. GUARD (cont.) Okay, help me out...steady... |
PROVOST W-who is this?? NEWSPAPER DELIVERY VANS are parked in neat rows -- all driverless.FRICK is sitting with a boxful of electrical equipment next to a bank of ELEVATORS; all the cars have been LOCKED OPEN here in the basement, except for ONE -- PROVOST's private elevator, the doors to which are still closed.The PENGUIN stands beside it, speaking into a RED PHONE. |
PENGUIN Mr. Provost?If you want to get out of that car alive, I suggest you follow my instructions to the letter. PENGUIN (cont.) SHUT UP IN THERE. (calmly; into phone) You should see a cord hanging just behind you. PROVOST looks over his shoulder and sees the aforementioned CORD descending through the trap door. |
PROVOST Yes -- yes, I see it -- |
PENGUIN Well, Mr. Provost, I guess you could call me an irate reader.And to be perfectly frank -- I'm doing this because I hate Garfield. |
PENGUIN Going down! |
CROWD Ten!Nine!... |
CROWD ...Three!Two!One! |
NEWS VENDOR Hey!No!I aleady got a -- The mutilated corpse of HARRISON PROVOST lands on the sidewalk with a THUD -- right beside a bundle of NEWSPAPERS which read "BATMAN MURDER SPREE BAFFLES POLICE." The NEWS VENDOR chases after the VAN, but it's already rounded a corner and is cruising along the periphery of Gotham Square. The CROWD is still singing merrily, unaware of its presence -- |
CATWOMAN (O.S.) Some people just can't take discipline. (beat) Go ahead.Finish 'em off... |
CATWOMAN (O.S.) You might as well.You're going to get blamed for it anyway. |
CATWOMAN (O.S.) Oh, come on, angel.You know you want to. (purring loudly) Besides -- I want to see how you do it! |
BATMAN Who are you? He catches her leg, upends her -- but she somersaults away and lands on her feet.Cats always do... |
CATWOMAN My, aren't we frisky tonight. |
CATWOMAN I should tell you -- I've got nine lives to play with -- and you've only got one... BATMAN ducks instinctively and the CATWOMAN breaks free -- FALLING BACKWARD onto the roof.It's a strategic move: when he rushes at her, she BRACES HERSELF against the ground and KICKS UPWARD with startling force. |
CATWOMAN Did I tell you I invited company?-- Keep 'em busy, angel, I've gotta scat. -- just as the DOOR gives way -- and an ARMED SWAT TEAM comes crashing out onto the roof! |
PENGUIN Look at that, boys -- they do flock together!! |
CATWOMAN Ooh.Where have you been all my life? |
CATWOMAN (O.S.) Nevermore.Nevermore! |
CATWOMAN Cute, huh!I think it'll look nice over the fireplace.Maybe you can drop by and see it sometime. (demurely) I hope you won't think I'm too... aggressive or anything, but I find you very attractive. CATWOMAN (cont.) It's just so hard to meet interesting men these days.Don't you think so? (sighing) I have trouble with relationships.Men find me intimidating...kind of predatory, you know?Really I'm not.Really I'm just playful... CATWOMAN (cont.) Don't laugh!I'm trying to open up to you! |
CATWOMAN Mice, really.It's disgusting -- they beg you to walk all over them and then they whine when you do it.Once you've had your fun there's not much you can do but kill them. (beat) But you seem different.I mean, you obviously understand about dressing up... that saves a lot of explaining.I think people should indulge their fantasies, don't you? |
CATWOMAN So I think I'll let you live.Cute boys like you are hard to find... (standing up) 'Bye, angel.I'll be thinking about you. The HOOK SNAGS somewhere on the roof.BATMAN yanks the line taut and is laboriously trying to pull himself erect when -- |
CATWOMAN Gee...I'm so fickle. |
DRIVER What the hell is this? |
TRAFFIC COP Awright, what's the problem here? (spotting BATMAN) Jesus. |
PATROLMAN Good God.Cowan -- get to the car -- radio the commissioner!! |
TRAFFIC COP Is he dead?What do we do? |
PATROLMAN The mask.Get the mask off. |
TRAFFIC COP Some kinda seam here on the neck... -- a BURST of FINE GREEN MIST spews forth from concealed JETS in the gold-and-black BAT-EMBLEM, and the COPS reel backward, shrieking, gasping for breath and clewing at their eyes. Booby-trap -- they've just been Maced. |
TRAFFIC COP DON'T SHOOT, you idiot.The crowd -- |
BULLOCK Hell of a mess up here, Commissioner. We'll have to go in on foot... Gaping, BULLOCK nudges his partner -- who throws the car immediately into REVERSE.As they watch, BATMAN kicks the horse's flanks and turns right -- toward Gotham Park. Two RED BERETS, members of the Order of the Bat, are on night patrol, strolling down a rambling path near the entrance to the park. |
RED BERET I This is wack, man.Nothing ever happens around here anymore. |
DICK NO.WAIT! The KID GIGGLES -- oddly, uncontrollably.Then he sprints off into the woods, dancing, leaping.As he disappears from view, he lets out a shrill, piercing, almost FERAL SHRIEK -- |
COP Dumb son of a bitch!! |
ALFRED Commissioner Gordon called.He wants to install a full contingent of police guards here at the manor -- in round-the-clock shifts -- to protect you from Batman. |
BRUCE Great.What'd you tell him? |
ALFRED I told him that since you were Batman, you'd require no protection from Batman. |
BRUCE Jesus, Alfred -- !! |
ALFRED In future, sir...I strongly advise against trying to fly off twenty-story buildings. |
BRUCE It's just a few bruises. |
ALFRED One bruise, sir.Which covers your entire body. |
BRUCE I'm getting too old for this line of work. (beat) Cops placed me at the scene of the crime -- that weird kid of Vicki's saw my face -- |
ALFRED I shouldn't worry overmuch.I doubt the two of you move in the same circles. |
BRUCE -- and I got the living shit knocked out of me by a woman. |
ALFRED Sir -- such outmoded sexist attitudes are quite unbecoming. In a lavishly-appointed guest room on Gotham's Upper East Side (or equivalent thereof), we find a pair of PLAINCLOTHES COPS settled in for a stakeout: rumpled topcoats thrown across antique chairs, french-fry bags and GREASY BURGER WRAPPINGS littering the carpet.HIGH-POWERED RIFLES propped against one wall. |
PLAINCLOTHESMAN Mailman's coming. The POSTMAN marches up the front steps of the brownstone, sorting through letters and packages.He hasn't even rung the bell when the door is opened by ANOTHER COP -- who snatches the mail delivery from his hands and SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE. MORE COPS, at least half a dozen, are milling about inside -- unshaven, ties loosened, shirtsleeves rolled up.They're in for the long haul. |
GORDON Anything suspicious! |
COP Nothing yet.Christmas cards and bills. BOMB-DISPOSAL EXPERT (V.O.) Commissioner -- ? GORDON enters.The bomb-disposal boys have their equipment scattered all over the kitchen table.They've slit the brown- paper wrapping of the PACKAGE, exposing a ROUND DECORATIVE TIN. |
BOMB-DISPOSAL EXPERT It's a fruitcake. |
GORDON ...Have it analyzed. A bleary-eyed ELLIOTT TIPTREE marches down the stairs carrying a pair of OVERSIZED SUITCASES.His WIFE and TWO KIDS are behind him -- all bundled up, preparing to embark on an extended vacation. |
POLICEMAN Mrs. Tiptree?The car's here. |
LITTLE GIRL I don't wanna go to Grandma's.I wanna stay here with Daddy. |
MRS. TIPTREE She's got a nice tree just like ours, honey.Daddy'll be up as soon as he can. |
LITTLE GIRL She's old.She doesn't even have cable. |
LITTLE BOY What about our presents? |
TIPTREE Don't worry.I'll bring 'em up with me. We'll open 'em when I get there. |
GORDON Sorry, folks, but we'd better move along. |
MRS. TIPTREE Kids?Tell your Daddy goodbye... |
TIPTREE They'll be safe, won't they? |
GORDON As safe as we can make 'em. (beat; sternly) It would help if you could give us some small hint what this is all about. |
TIPTREE I told you.I... |
GORDON You have no idea what was in that box that Provost had delivered from the bank. GORDON (cont.) All right, Mr. Tiptree.Merry Christmas. ...until a PHONE RINGS.Everyone jumps at once.A TECHNICIAN hits a switch on a loudspeaker-and-tape-recorder assembly, then gestures for TIPTREE to pick up the receiver... |
TIPTREE Hello...? |
VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER Mr. Tiptree?Andy here.Listen -- we've got a chance to grab a good-sized block of Atlantic Teledyne at twenty-six and an eighth -- |
TIPTREE Not today, Andy.Let's talk after New Year's. |
IF POLICE SEE THIS YOUR FAMILY IS DEAD |
BATMAN SOUGHT IN PUBLISHER'S MURDER Bat Attack Panics Gotham Square J. Harrison Provost, 41, Leaves Distinguished Legacy |
He hears a VISITOR arriving in the entry hall.He gets up... BRUCE ambles out and sees SELINA, who's just arrived, doing her patetented thing on ALFRED. |
SELINA English accents are so stimulating. (beat) You have the most beautiful silver hair! SELINA (cont.) Bruce! |
BRUCE Selina.What are you doing here? |
SELINA I wanted to see your things, remember? And I got tired of waiting for you to call me back. (gesturing toward ALFRED) He's adorable.How long have you had him? BRUCE leads SELINA down a hallway to the armory.He glances back over his shoulder and sees ALFRED peering snoopily around the corner. |
BRUCE You heard about Harry Provost. |
SELINA It's incredibly awful.It got me a little worried. (sidling up closer) I hate to think of something happening to you. |
BRUCE Same here. |
SELINA It's odd, though.Danger, the thought of suddenly dying -- in a weird way it gets you sort of...aroused.Don't you think? |
SELINA Bruce, this is incredible. (indicating a suit of armor) Malaysian -- ? |
BRUCE Not bad.Sarawak warrior caste. |
SELINA It's like -- everything in here is another little piece of your mind.I was right about you. (turning to face him) Promise, okay?Promise you'll show me every inch of this place. PAGE 87 MISSING FROM HARD COPY |
ALFRED The police have no files whatsoever on Selina Kyle. |
BRUCE (abstractedly) London...Cairo...Belgium... |
ALFRED What exactly are you -- |
BRUCE Her credit card records. (looking up) Every major art theft in the last five years -- she's been on the scene or close to it. |
ALFRED You mean she's some sort of -- collector? A...cat burglar, or -- |
BRUCE Could be.Museum curator, authenticator -- she's got the perfect cover for it. (beat) What would she want with that stupid raven? |
ALFRED Raven, sir? |
BRUCE That's what the Catwoman took from Provost.A little raven statuette, about so big... (shaking his head) But it couldn't have been that valuable. |
ALFRED How very odd. (long pause) I'm sure it's nothing, but -- |
BRUCE What, Alfred? |
ALFRED Your father had a raven, sir.A small statue of the very sort you describe.It used to sit on his desk. |
BRUCE What happened to it? |