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[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"This is how it works,\"Death explained. \"You pick the game and we play. Cheating is allowed, but if either one of us is caught by the other, they lose. If you win, you'll wake up back in the hospital and I'll give you another 10 years. If you lose then it's time for judgement. Understood?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Then, poker?\"he said, hesitantly he let out a sigh, and with a practiced motion he lifted a hand to wipe his brow. \"Not my best,\"he followed. \"But I'd rather have luck than fail at a skill I do not have.\"\n\n\n\"You cannot fool me,\"death replied. A low chuckle escaping the void beneath his hood. \"You're in a Las Vegas hospital, you're in a suit, you've been shot in the throat. You got caught cheating, you're a failed card shark.\"He lifted a bony hand to tap his presumed chin. \"Very well, one round. Texas hold em. We'll forego the raising and calling and each grab our hand. Pure chance. Presuming you cannot cheat of course.\"\n\n\"I find that agreeable,\"he replied and looke down at the table. Had those cards always been there? Well no matter.\n\n\"Please, draw your hand.\"said death as he pulled two cards of his own.\nAnd so he did, seemingly. Hopefully death did not know that he had died with his pockets cards still on him. Granted they were marked with a hole each by now, but a card is a card. \"Ready,\"he said, putting his faith in his two aces. And death started flipping cards.\n\nA two. No matter.\n\nAn ace. Now we're talking he thought to himself as he failed to contain his poker face.\nAnother ace. Alright!\n\nA third ace. And now his world collapsed.\n\nAnd a fourth ace.\n\nDeath hesitated, as if nervous. \"Let us show our hands at the same time.\"he said. Did he sigh? Maybe he already knew? He was death, of course he did. With that in mind he found himself calm. Come what may, he thought to himself as he put down his cards alongside death.\n\nSix aces, versus six aces.\n\n\n\n\n\n\"Well, what now?\"he said after a long pause.\n\n\"I am not entirely sure,\"said death." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When people turn 18, they gain the power to summon 1 random thing in the world to their hand, as Thor does to Mjolnir. Summoned people are considered soulmates, and objects as important parts of one's life. When you summon yours, it takes some time, but people are horrified when it arrives..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was my 18th birthday.\n\nThe beach party my friends were so kind to have organized was dying down. The sun was setting, and the moon was high overhead. Small groups of people splashed about in the water, sat on beach towels talking, creating a warm hubbub around me. A small driftwood fire was being constructed nearby.\n\nI stood at the water's edge, sipping a cola, pondering my life, when a volleyball beaned me in the back of the head, spilling my drink. I stumbled forward, catching myself just before I faceplanted into the drink. Turning around, Jon, my best friend, snorted as he approached.\n\n\"You dickhead,\"I mumbled, as he handed me another drink. He reached his hand out, and the errant volleyball flew back into his hand. Being a few months older than me, he knew where he wanted to be the moment he got his hands on the ball. He was always the better athlete.\n\n\"Tried summoning anything yet?\"He asked, clapping me on the back in apology.\n\n\"Nah. I don't really want to know. I feel like it might limit my options,\"I said, taking a sip.\n\n\"What is this stuff?\"\n\nHe shrugged. \"Janine made it. She's been trying to make wine ever since she caught that vintner's hydrometer.\"\n\nMy eyebrows raised. \"Anybody who brews anything uses hydrometers.\"\n\nHe laughed. \"She'll find her spot eventually. Maybe after giving several people alcohol poisoning, but she will. People always do.\"\n\nHe gave me a look and put a hand on my shoulder. \"You need to get started. So try to summon something!\"\n\nI looked behind me, at my friends and family, who had finished with their business and had turned to see what Jon was on about. They met my gaze. Mom gave an encouraging gesture.\n\nI shrugged, closed my eyes, put my right arm up, and willed for something to land in it.\n\nFor a moment, nothing happened. There was a pregnant pause, as everybody looked confused, then the ground itself rumbled. The waves, until then gently lapping at my feet, grew restless, more violent, as if the sea itself began to stir. I heard gasps behind me and Jon's grip on my shoulder tightened.\n\n\"Stop stop STOPSTOPSTOP!\"He yelled, panicked. Concerned, I opened my eyes and looked at him, ceasing my will. His eyes were turned upward, alarm, gobsmacked gaze locked on the sky. Had I pulled a plane out of the air or something? \n\nI looked up, expecting to see an airliner or something in a nosedive. My eyes widened. \n\nNope. The Moon was bigger. Noticeably bigger. Oh dear." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You've been magically gifted the ability to speak all languages. Anything you say comes out in the first language of whoever you're looking at. One day, you try to greet someone on the street and they gape in horror as ancient, unknowable eldritch sounds exit your mouth. The ground shakes..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"What have you done?\", cried the man in horror. He was speaking English despite it not being his first language. \"The ancient tongue has not been spoken aloud in centuries. You fool!\"\n\n\"What do you mean?\", I tried to say, but the screeching sounds I made were cut off mid-sentence by the strange man grabbing me and covering my mouth. The ground shook harder. \n\n\"Quiet, fool! You're going to get us both killed!\"\n\nSteam began to exit the sewers, the ground shook even more violently than before and the road began to crack right down the middle. I opened my mouth in horror and began to ask another question but the man cut me off. \n\n\"Be silent. He is coming. And we will greet him upon his emergence.\"\n\nAnd so he emerged, from that crack in the road in all his dreadful glory. A horror from another dimension. My mind collapsed. It was as if the world around me no longer existed. There was only him. And he was terror incarnate. Fear consumed me. I only became aware of my body as I felt the warm sensation of my bowels emptying themselves, and cold sweat covering my brow. \n\nAnd then he spoke. And I understood. He was asking me to explain why he had been summoned. Why I had awoken him from his slumber. I could not speak, but I felt him crawl into my mind and look for his answer. And then I felt a pain like no other I had felt before. I could not breathe. It was as if was on fire and drowning at the same time. I crumbled and fell to the floor. And then it stopped. All of a sudden it stopped. I felt lighter than air. It was pure ecstasy. It was as though I had been suffering all my life, and was finally free of some torment I had not known was there. I felt pure. He had cleansed me. \n\nAnd so he spoke again, this time not to me, but to the man. He was giving instructions. Instructions to take me somewhere. I was important. I was a messenger. He spoke of a prophecy. And then he disappeared. And I just lay there laughing, completely ecstatic. \n\nThe man helped me up. He looked concerned. \n\n\"Well, it has begun.\"He said to me. \n\n\"What has?\"I asked. \n\n\"The end of our world, and the beginning of theirs.\"\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Death gave you immortality with the plan that you'd realize how awful it is and beg him to let you die. 50,000 years later he's getting annoyed as you continue to have fun and live a wonderful life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Death! Buddy!\"Aleksei threw his arms open and charged across the room toward the looming specter in robes of shadow. \n\nAleksei had been a huge man in his time, but now he was almost comically short compared to the rest of the human race. He made up for it by wearing the most garish of clothing in whatever style was considered 'in' at the time. Today it was a long, sudosilk robe that was programmed to shift between patterns of purple and deep crimson. Underneath he wore an obnoxious yellow shirt and puffy, green pants that looked like they were metal but moved like fabric.\n\nThe charging rainbow that was Aleksei Roda slammed into the bone-thin figure of Death and squeezed the shadows out of him, \"It has been so long, my friend! Come, come, I must show you my new toys!\"\n\n**ARE YOU PREPARED FOR ME?**\n\n\"No worry, my friend!\"Aleksei puttered over to a door on the far side of the living room, pressing a button to reconfigure the room. The walls moved back to show a messy workshop full of hundreds of half-assembled machines. \"I can have CAIN add a guest room onto the house. It will only take an hour or so. You are welcomed to stay as long as-\"\n\n**THAT IS NOT REQUIRED** \n\nDeath flowed over the floor toward Aleksei, \n\n**I HAVE COME FOR YOU ONCE MORE. YOUR TIME HAS LONG SINCE PASSED.**\n\n\"What?\"Aleksei laughed and slapped his hand at death. \"Die now? No way! There's so much I haven't done yet! There's still so much to see! We have a colony on Du-Roga now, did you hear?\"\n\n**I HAVE COLLECTED FROM IT MANY TIMES.**\n\n\"Oh, of course you have. You're always there right behind us, aren't you? Well, how is it? C'mon, tell me about it! I have a transit visa for next year. I can't wait! A new world, new people, a whole new sky to watch at night!\"\n\n**ALEKSEI RODA. YOU HAVE LIVED BEYOND YOUR TIME AND THE TIME OF MANY OTHERS. I ACCEPTED YOUR CHALLENGE BELIEVING YOU TO WASTE AWAY LIKE MANY BEFORE YOU. YOU FAIL MY BELIEF. YOU FAIL EXPECTATION. DO YOU INSIST ON LIVING STILL? DOES TIME NOT BECKON YOU TO ITS END?**\n\n\"Aw, man. Death! Buddy! Come on now, lighten up.\"Aleksei set his hands on his wide and well-padded hips. \"Live a little!\"\n\n[More Death and Aleksei](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/7gdja7/wpdeath_has_hourglasses_telling_when_each_person/dqiicfu/)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You, a young scientist have discovered time travel. You think it would be a great idea to go to medieval times, share your knowledge and become king. On your first visit, you meet a king and he introduces himself with a polite fist bump and greets, \"bro you discovered time travelling too?!\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? No. Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? \nDo you know how long it took to discover time travel? Actually, don't answer that. I don't care. I'll answer for you: a long fucking time. Like years. Like blood, sweat and tears all coalescing into a single destined moment. \nCause that's what it was, man. Destiny.\nThere's no other way to explain it. Just the single greatest invention in the history of time that, by the way, rewrites the history of time. No biggie. \nYet, here before me, this putz sits on his God damn throne, making his minstrels play Kanye West tunes while I stand slack jawed unaware how the fuck he did it. \nHis face is withered, with scars along the edge of his left cheek. It would look scary but he covers most of his face with a thick beard. As far as royalty goes, he looks like he's had a hard fight for this throne. \nCause that's the terrible fucking thing about time travel: it's never certain. Like, did I invent time travel? And he's just from the future where I've sold patent? Or did he invent time travel and decided to rule a kingdom? \nChrist, I have a headache already. \n\"How?\"I finally mutter. \n\"Same as you broseph. I traveled through time,\"He smiles and brushes a long strand of grey hair out of his face.\n\"But...\"I start to stammer but he cuts me off. \n\"Bro, you want taquitos. I gave them a recipe and you'll never believe how good they taste. Like, all food, bro. We can cook up whatever you want and it'll taste ten million times better because it's not processed and shit. I've lost, like fiften pounds from that alone. I call it the Time Travelers Diet. Patent pending,\"He laughs. \n\"Actually, now that you mention patents...\"Again I get cut off quickly. \n\"What about a chamber maid? They will do ANYTHING you ask.\" \n\"I don't need sex.\" \n\"Everyone needs sex. Real talk, can't lie, the sexually transmitted diseases thing is a bit of a crap shoot. They don't have great meds like we got back home. Every chick you sleep with is basically a bacterial Russian roulette here.\" \n\"Listen,\"I pause because I'm not sure what to call him. I extend my hand, looking for help. He graciously obliges and calls himself King Yeezus. I almost say it out loud but logic takes over and I settle for your highness. \"What century are you from, exactly?\" \n\"Same as yours, bro,\"He smiles. \n\"Ok, what century am I from?\"I question him. Trying to figure out his game. He just smiles. It's an odd smile. The kind you get when you've just said something witty and can't contain your pride. \nThat's when it clicks. \nNo. No. No. No. I find myself saying it out loud. But the King just laughs. \n\"This conversation is a lot more fun on this end,\"He slaps his knees. \"I always wondered when you'd show up. Or should I say when I would show up. Things get fuzzy. Time, man. It's all circular. But don't worry bro. You're going to have a great time. Scary sometimes. But great. Trust me. As you. The older you. Trust me. You're going to run now. Hop in that machine and race to too many places to count. Too many times to track. But something will happen. And you be stranded. Then it's a waiting game. You'll wait decades for me. Going, hell I'll admit it bro, a little mad. But, great news, you definitely won't get an STD for a couple decades yet.\" \n\n " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "An eldritch horror considers you their best friend. By virtue of you being able to perceive their true form and not going insane. One day they ask how you became so jaded, that not even indescribable cosmic horror phases you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a monster on the front step.\n\nRachel blinked, but it remained, hunched over on the porch, still there in all it’s disturbing glory. It had one eye - no, it had many eyes, all blinking and shifting and looking here and there, but not visible all at the same time. They were laced above a mouth that stretched out in a fierce grin at the same time it drooped in a heavy frown, all perched on a round, clay-like head with cauliflower ears. (Not the ailment, mind, but actual cauliflower, growing from the sides of the skull and flowering quite nicely.) The body below was thin and fat at the same time, undulating between weight like waves licking the shore. Fingers made of bone clicked together anxiously, with far more phalanges than were necessary. From the waist down the body fell into darkness, robed in something that was blacker than black, aside from a pair of human-looking bare feet sticking out. Its toenails were painted bright pink, and seemed to be conversing among themselves.\n\n“It’s not Halloween yet,” she said, gripping the door tightly. \n\nThe creature said nothing, just staring at her.\n\n“That’s a really impressive costume, but you’re...five days early, I think. It’s only Tuesday, so…”\n\n“*You’re not dead*.” The voice that came from the monster was soft and confused. There was no scratch or echo or blood-curdling edge, just a voice that could belong to any adult human, wavering with shock and disbelief.\n\nRachel glanced behind herself, just to make sure. Nope, no dead body on the floor of the kitchen, where she’d been working when the being had knocked. “No,” she agreed, “I think I’m very much alive.” \n\n“*But...but how*…?”\n\nShe turned back to the horror and scratched absently at her cheek, trying to decide which eye to gaze into. They kept appearing and disappearing, so she settled on gazing into the middle of the creature's round head. “I...don’t know? I mean, am I supposed to be?” \n\n*“All who gaze upon my visage fall, as is the way!”* The creature gesticulated wildly, flailing its arms, too-long fingers clicking together. *“Yet you do not shudder, you do not flinch! How can you withstand the horror that is I, Formidulosus, and not melt into a puddle of your own entrails!?”* Flecks of foam gathered along the edge of its dual-mouths, and Rachel took a step back to avoid being spit on. *“By Cthulhu, it’s unheard of!”* \n\n“Oh, you like Lovecraft?” She latched onto the only thing she’d understood in the odd rant. “I find him a bit hard to read sometimes, but I just got the Call of Cthulhu game on my laptop and I’m looking forward to playing it on Saturday…” She trailed off as the creature tilted its head and stared at her in something akin to astonishment.\n\n*“You know of the old ones?”* \n\n“...Yes?” Rachel took a step forward (now that there was no other-worldly face foam flying about) and gave the creature a good look. Its shoulders were trembling, and it had begun clicking its fingers together. The bright-pink toenails had fallen silent. Had the thing been human, she would have said it looked almost...anxious? A bit lost, perhaps? “Would you like a cup of tea?”\n\nThe creature tilted its head, considering, then nodded. Rachel motioned for it to follow her into the kitchen and led the way. She could hear it behind here, each footfall echoed by the soft *schwip-schwip* of the too-black robe dragging across the hardwood. The electric kettle was already full of water, so she plugged it in and turned to watch the oddity as it carefully entered her kitchen and looked about, as though waiting for the china to attack it. \n\n“Please, have a seat, Mr, uh, Formidable,” she motioned to the kitchen table, then flushed as she realized her work was covering nearly every inch. \n\n“*Formidulosus*,” it corrected, watching with curiosity as she stacked papers and shoved them to the side, clearing a space for two to sit. *“What is this parchment about? Are you a scholar?”* \n\n“Oh no,” Rachel turned to the counter as the kettle began to hiss and spit. She pulled down two mugs and, after a moment's deliberation, decided on chamomile for both of them. The creature sat awkwardly in one of the chairs and watched as she bustled about, grabbing a teddy-bear shaped container of honey from the cabinet and juggling it alongside the two mugs over to the table. Its many, many eyes drifted to the stacks of paper, and it could see lines filled with different types of handwriting, and scrolls of paper printed with blue lines that were ragged on the edge and cramped with ugly letters. \n\n“*Not a scholar*?” It prompted as it took the mug. \n\n“Nah,” Rachel fell into her own seat, focusing once more on the center of its face. “I’m a teacher.” \n\n*“That is a noble position! Perhaps protected by the new gods. That could be why you did not flail and melt into a puddle of -*.” \n\n“-my own entrails. Yeah, let’s not think about that part.” Rachel took a sip. “Dunno about these new gods, but I can tell you,” she rested a hand on top of the nearest stack of homework to be graded, “teaching middle school, you see some weird shit.” \n\n\n\nAs Formidulosus left that night, stomach full of tea and arms full of what its new friend Rachel called ‘the best of Lovecraft, seriously, let me know what you think of The Temple!’, it pondered if there were others of these ‘Middle School Teachers’ in the world to befriend." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Long ago the legendary sword Excalibur was melted down and lost to history. The mythical blade's steel ended up in your butter knife, with all its magical properties intact." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I started peeling the apple, raising the knife to the skin carelessly. I didn't look down; It didn't feel like the knife had met any resistance yet.\n\nHalf of the apple hit the counter with a dull thud.\n\nI blinked, dropping the knife. It fell, spinning to embed itself in the counter. I tried to pull it out. It didn't budge.\n\n\"Damn it.\"I groaned. \"Third one this week.\"That had been an awful set of knives." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Death is just a predator much higher on the food chain than we are, and our perception of it is as limited as an ant's perception of a child with a magnifying glass." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "*Wow, well isn't this quite something?*\n\nYou blink, as if you can't quite believe what you're hearing. \n\n*Yes, yes, you're not imagining it. I'm, \"speaking\"to you I suppose is how you would understand it*\n\n\"B...but,\"you say out loud and a couple of the other specimens stare to look at you in confusion. \n\n*Now, now. There is no need to speak out loud. I will be able to hear your thoughts. Your kind comes along so rarely, I would hate for you to get taken in to some prison and electrified*\n\n\"Electrocuted actually,\"you say, this time in your head. Then you shake your head, as if you can't believe what you just \"said.\"\"Wait...I...you...\"\n\n*Use your words, now*\n\nMy mocking tone momentarily angers you, clearing your thoughts. \"Who, no, *what* are you?\"you say, again, in your head. \n\n*Ah but you know already, don't you? You were just thinking about it*\n\nYou blink and frown. \"I was thinking about....something.\"Your frown deepens. \"I know what I was thinking about, I am thinking about it right now, and when I do, everything sort of goes blurry and I feel like I'm watching myself in third person...but I couldn't tell you what exactly I'm thinking about...\"\n\n*Precisely!* \n\nMy sudden excitement makes you jerk. Sometimes I forget how sensitive you folk you are. \n\n*Apologies for that, quite rude of me. But regardless, what you're feeling, there is no way to describe it in your language. Your language is bound inherently by the three dimensions, by a limited scope, which is all most of your kind is capable of seeing.*\n\n\"Limited scope?\"you retort, \"what sort of bullshit is that?\"You're angry, understandably; after all, I've just insulted your species.\n\n*You know full well what I mean. Look around yourself, your fellow people, this...transport that you're in. What do you see?*\n\nYour eyes widen, and you look around, your head jerking from left to right, up and down, out the windows, *beyond* the windows. You are like a child who has just been born into a new world. In a sense, you are exactly that. Then you look at me. There is no three dimensional direction, you just *perceive* me. You open your mouth to speak. \n\n*Stop. You will just confuse yourself by speaking in that tongue of yours. You now know what I say to be true. You no longer just see, you* ***perceive.***\n\n\"But...\"you stammer, \"I'm no philosopher! I'm just a guy bored on my commute to work. I was just thinking pointlessly about stuff!\"\n\n*Throughout history, there have been very few who've crossed the barriers you have, and in an objective sense, they are the most capable of your species. Yet not a single one makes it in your history books. To arrive at this thinking, you cannot be thinking with a purpose, the very nature of Ascending to this thought is to stumble upon it.* \n\nYou give this a moment of thought, then nod, agreeing. Then your frown deepens. I know what you're about to ask.\n\n*Yes quite right. There really is no point to it all. And no, you will never be happy going back to your life.*\n\nYou do not protest, you are well past such silly things. You know it to be true. Instead you set your jaw. \"I will undo it all then, forget all of it. I just want my life back!\"\n\n*Which is exactly what everyone else who's made the discovery has, said, your species or otherwise. They all say the same exact thing within moments of first Ascending.*\n\n\"Has anyone done it?\"you ask, and for the first time fear creeps into your voice.\n\n*I've been trying for as long as time existed. No avail.*\n\n\"Then....\"Again, like clockwork, I know what you're going to say. \n\n*You'll kill yourself?*\n\n\"You think I won't?\"you say, again that anger rising. It's funny how even after Ascending, certain traits still remain common. \n\n*Oh you will try, we both know, but you know too that nothing will happen. You are now the same thing I am, Death itself. You will wander like I do, like a handful of others do, throughout time and space, killing as needed, breeding as necessary. Giving them the release you wish you could achieve. I believe your kind calls it artificial selection.*\n\nAt first you're sickened, aftereffects of the old reality. But then you speak, and your voice is calm. \"To find someone capable of Ascending beyond us,\"you say. \n\n*Precisely. Only they will put an end to our suffering.*\n\nEveryone else has left the transport, but you're still sitting where you were, looking the same, but fundamentally changed, likely forever. You look around, trying to get one last glimpse of the world that was once yours, but its too late. You can no longer see it as it once was. For you, it is already gone. \n\n*For what it's worth, I'm sorry* " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When you die, you are taken to a leaderboard showing all of the stats of your life, such as how many people have loved you, how many people hated you, etc. As you look at your scores, you begin to notice one of the numbers is increasing." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The last thing I remembered was the pain. There was a loud bang, and then a searing pain. I came to rest in the shallow water, and then I began to drift away. I could hear the boy's wails as I rested in the water. His crying was good, it meant he wasn't hurt. As the world around me faded to white, I could just barely hear a voice echoing through the ether, suddenly becoming clear with one distinct phrase.\n\n\"Rise, my child.\"\n\nComing to my feet, I realized I was no longer wet, and the pain had completely left my body. Sensing my confusion, the man in white spoke.\n\n\"Wondering where you are? Most do. I can't tell you too much, but I can say that you are safe. No one can hurt you now.\"\n\nI searched for the words inside to ask what happened, where I was, and what happened to the boy I was protecting, but nothing profound came to mind. I guess some things are truly best left unanswered. Instead, I heard a faint clicking in the distance. Looking in it's direction I could just barely make out a tall board with writing on it.\n\nMaking my way over with the man following, I began to read the board. It seemed to be displaying statistics of some sort. It had my birthday, how many meals I've eaten, and how many heartbeats I've had. Confused, I wondered why the last one had stopped. After a few moments of thought, the realization hit me.\n\n\"I'm sorry.\"The man looked sad at my acknowledgement of the truth. This was it, I was dead.\n\nAll was not lost though, some of the statistics were still going up.\n\nOne listed the number of people I had saved. I thought it would only list the life of the boy, but it seemed to be slowly rising.\n\n\"People heard of the life you lived and how you filled it, and decided that they would keep going in your memory. You've made life worth living.\"\n\nAnother number, rising faster, showed how many people loved me, and missed me. I don't think I had met that many people in my life, but there it was!\n\n\"Your story has spread far and wide. At this point, there is nary a soul in the world that hasn't heard of you.\"\n\nOne last number seemed to be spinning at light speed. I couldn't tell exactly what it was, but it was well over seven digits, and rapidly rising. It listed four cryptic words next to it: 'NUMBER OF DICKS OUT.'\n\nI turned to the man, confused once again.\n\n\"Eh. I'd rather not talk about that one.\"\n\n[For the uninitiated.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTBftExjXuU)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You decide to prank your newborn kid by having him read Harry Potter series and convincing him it's real and that he is a wizard as well. You fake a Hogwarts letter, drive him to King's Cross station and wait for the moment he crashes into the pillar. He goes straight through." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I slept on the sofa again last night. It's easier to pretend they're still here, that way. That Maria never left me, we just argued and that she's lying up there in our bed, and in the morning we'll sort out our differences over a cup of tea.\n\nThat's what I do. I make two cups of tea in the morning. Sometimes I even pour a glass of orange for Mark, but in truth, it's harder to pretend he's still here.\n\nBecause I *know* he's gone.\n\nIt was just a prank, you know. Mark fell in love with the books. I started reading them to him when he was six. A bit young maybe. It was Mark that believed they were real. There was no deception on my part, not at that time. But, in the way kids so willingly believe in Santa, he believed in Harry and Hogwarts and all of it -- believed it was all real. Why not *let him* believe it, at least for a while? Fuck, I know what it's like to be an adult in a world without any magic. \n\nIt sucks. \n\nSo yeah, I let him believe. I started to encourage him, even. I'd tell him about how a news event was really to do with the Ministry of Magic, or some such. But that most muggles didn't understand, and thought it was just an unusual storm. That only him and me knew the truth. \n\nThe books had a good moral. So what was the harm in pretending?\n\nBy the time he was nine... Maria wanted me to explain it to him. That it was just a book, and that J. K. Rowling wasn't an archivist of magical affairs, but the writer of this made up fantasy world.\n\n*I couldn't.* \n\nI just didn't want to burst his bubble. Later, as he got older... I admit I got something of a kick out of it. Like, when I faked the letter. *Ah, shit*. This is tough to talk about. When I faked the letter, I did everything I could not to burst out laughing when he exploded into our room and shared his thrilling news. \n\nMaria just glared at me.\n\nIt was my idea to take him to the station. I was going to show him... yeah, through a practical joke, I was going to demonstrate to my son, that none of it was real. It was going to be both hilarious, but also kind of tragic, when he ran into the pillar. I had the camera ready, you know. Because I'm a complete and utter twisted fuck up. I wanted to capture his face. To show his future girlfriends. His future wife.\n\nI'm so fucking sorry Mark.\n\nThe day came. He dressed up in all his garbs and was so excited about quidditch and the wand and the alley, and all the fucking rest of it.\n\nHe ran face first into the pillar.\n\nAnd he slipped away. Straight through to the other side.\n\nYeah.\n\nI got a picture as his head thudded against it.\n\nAs it hit the ground.\n\nI didn't get a picture of the blood pooling around his uniform. Cause I'd realised, as my finger clicked the trigger the first time, that...\n\nMaria blamed me, of course. Hell, I blamed me -- it was my fault, so of course I did. *I do.*\n\nEvery day is a battle now, to not follow him into that other realm.\n\nI miss you, Mark. \n\nAnd I love you like Dobby loves socks.\n\n\n\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Fit as many plot twists as you can into one story." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "With one final, delightful click of the knob, Layne narrowed his eyebrows and sneered with victory.\n\n\"I got it!\"He shouted, turning the handle to the safe. \n\n\"Excellent.\"A calm, charming voice called from behind.\n\nAs Layne swung the door to the safe open he discovered that there was absolutely nothing inside. \n\n\"Wha-?\"Before he could finish his words, he felt the cold steel of a handgun pressed into the back of his head. Still kneeling in front of the safe, he froze in place. Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists, his body convulsed with anticipation.\n\n\"You didn't really think I would split the loot with you, did you?\"A strong, yet delicate and perfectly smooth hand reached around the side of Layne's face and gently stroked the stubble on his cheek. \"Oh my dear, sweet Layne. You're beautiful, but you're stupid, aren't you?\"\n\n\"You're as cold-blooded as they come, Angel.\"Layne replied, closing his eyes and grinning. In an instant, he dropped to the floor, swept Angel's footing with a kick, and shot upright. Angel collapsed flat on her back, her amber hair cascading over her emerald eyes, which were now wide with the shock of the sudden change of events. The gun fell to the ground and skittered across the floor.\n\nLayne smiled at her bewilderment. \"You see, I may not exactly be the brightest, but I'm clever enough to know that you would double-cross me. That's why I tailed you when you came in for the heist the first time. I saw where you hid the gems, and took them for myself. Now they're safely with me, and you'll never see a dime. Hell, you'll be lucky if I let you leave here with your life.\"\n\nLayne and Angel were both suddenly jarred away from their conversation at the sound of a slow series of claps coming from behind one of several gigantic marble pillars in the vault. An old man dressed in an expensive pinstripe suit slowly strode into their view. \"You fools.\"He said. \"I knew sooner or later your egos would get the better of you. You're so full of yourselves that you can't even complete your convoluted plans without delivering all kinds of exposition about how the situation came to be in the first place. Now I know who has the gems. So Layne, if you don't tell me where the gems are right now...\"The old man withdrew a revolver from within his breast pocket and aimed it squarely at Angel.\"...I WILL KILL YOUR FUTURE CHILD!\"\n\nLayne took a step back in awe, glaring down at Angel. Her worried yet knowing expression confirmed that it was true. After standing in stunned silence for a moment, Layne became thoughtful. \"Was it the job in Paris?\"He asked.\n\n\"No.\"She replied, propping herself up onto an elbow. \"I think it was Korea.\" Layne rubbed his chin. \"I didn't think we- uh. Well, ya' know- in Korea.\"\n\nAngel rolled her eyes. \"Yeah, come on. Remember? The shitty hotel outside of Busan? It was raining, and we were like, well, there's nothing else to do.\"\n\nLayne snapped his fingers. \"Ahhhhh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. The one with the shower with only cold water. Right. Well, Jesus, sorry for knocking you down then.\"\n\nAngel shrugged. \"Well, you couldn't have known.\"She said. \n\n\"Although I suppose I probably should have.\"Layne quipped, folding his arms and scowling at Angel.\n\nThe old man cleared his throat. \n\nLayne snapped back to attention. \"Right!\"He began. \"Anyway, I don't think you're going to be killing anyone. BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST!\"With his words, Layne withdrew a badge and a gun from his own jacket. \n\nAngel, clearly beyond outraged, attempted to say something, but fumbled over her words. The old man furiously looked back and forth between Layne and Angel, finally fixing his gaze on Layne. Layne attempted to react, but it was too late. The man had pulled off a shot, which went clear through Layne's heart. \n\nFalling backward, Layne felt the red-hot heat of death burning through his chest. As he struck the ground, he awoke with a start in his bed. On the bedside table next to him was an empty bottle of cheap whiskey.\n\n\"Shiiiiiiiiiiiit.\"Layne said. \"I gotta stop drinking so much before bed.\"\n\n[This was really fun! I would have liked to write more plot twists but unfortunately I'm out of time.]\n\n\nEdit: Thank you so much for the gold!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "It is the year 2XXX. Medical science has advanced so far that complete body restoration is possible. However, patients revived from death consistently end up in a vegetative state and no one knows why. You are the first person to revive and retain their cognition. Now you know." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": ">**LIFE'S FOR THE LIVING**\n\n\"It has *failed again!*\"Screamed Doctor Van Winkler. He was pushing his seventieth birthday, and though he had pioneered impressive medicine in his long life he was not ready to go yet...and he was doing everything he could to finally perfect his whole-body restoration serum. Every patient we had had was able to return to life- but their living state was completely lacking cognition. We were absolutely stuck, trying to figure out why.\n\n\"Bring me more candidates, please.\"He said tiredly, sinking into his uncomfortable office chair.\n\nI had been at the Doctor's side for ten years now, learning all of his secrets- the strict medicine and intense practices that had made him part of medical legend were now also mine- or, at least, most of it. I was early into my career, and I knew I would surpass him- but that was what he wanted. He said as much the day he took me under his wing.\n\n\"Doctor, you need to rest. It has been thirty two hours and twenty seven minutes since you last slept.\"I prompted him gently.\n\n\"Ach.\"He objected. \"Fine, fine. But you must sleep as well. Wasn't your dissertation on the effects of sleeplessness?\"\n\nI grinned. \"You remember.\"\n\nHe didn't deign to respond. \"And your birthday is coming up as well- your twenty eighth, no?\"\n\n\"Yes, sir.\"\n\nHe made no further comment.\n\nWe went our separate ways, he by cab, but I simply went by foot. It was late- probably two in the morning- but I only lived a twenty minute walk away, and the cool night air was very pleasant.\n\nI can still remember every single moment the accident. Though I had the 'walk' signal, a semi-truck driver... well, perhaps he had been nearly asleep at the wheel. Perhaps he was in a rush. I would never know. My lifeless body was dragged for half of a mile before the driver manager to stop- and I had been dead on impact, anyway.\n\nI knew I had died from the moment I heard the semi-truck's horn blow. Before I was dead, I knew I had died.\n\nI found myself...somewhere else.\n\nMoving at a relaxed pace, I walked through a field of tall grass, I felt as every shoot slipped through my loose fingers. The accident was suddenly the furthest thing from my mind.\n\nThe night sky was clear, and the moon bathed me in pink light.\n\nThere were no troubles here- not in this grove. No scary wolves, no deadlines- there was myself, and nature.\n\nA gentle hill led me up, to new sights that I hadn't even known could exist.\n\nSerene pools of emerald water waited there, perfectly still apart from the occasional fresh breeze stirring up some life within.\n\nI wondered... what would it be like to dip my feet in there?\n\nI looked first- the water was so clear, I knew nothing was hiding inside. It was perfectly safe.\n\nI stripped off my socks and tested the water's temperature with my toes- the lake still retained the warmth of the day.\n\nI walked a few paces into the water, relishing the sand between my toes- though it would rinse off perfectly, for now, I was just enjoying its soft embrace.\n\nI breathed deeply, noticing hints of lavender and mint in the air- as well as the gentle spice that came from pine trees.\n\nReturning to the shore line, I left my shoes behind- this grove had no thistles, nor weeds- the earthen path was even, solid- yet not harsh on my feet.\n\nA slight smile built on my face. The path continued upwards- I wonder, what is beyond the hill there?\n\nSomething within me rebelled. I was *not done*. It was tempting- oh, so tempting- to travel farther up the path- but I had not suffered through ten years of medical school, and working at Doctor Van Winkler's side- just to pass on like this. *I refuse.*\n\nI knelt in the grove and waited. I *would not walk the path up.*\n\n--------------------------------------------\n\nTime passed- how much, I could not say- but I could occasionally hear things from the other side. It was so curious- being here, it was like I was absorbing information that the Universe itself wanted me to know, all the while Van Winkler was slaving over my corpse, feverishly trying to bring me back to life.\n\nFinally, at just the right moment, I felt it- the tug to return to Earth. I took it.\n\n--------------------------------------------------\n\nMy old friend was looking at me, worry creasing every line on his face. I hadn't moved my eyes yet- my Spirit was still adjusting to my nervous system.\n\nVan Winkler looked me over again, then sighed. It was well beyond his ability to cry- but if he could have, he would have. I could see it in his energy. He turned to leave.\n\nOnce all had clicked together, reuniting me with myself, I called out to him. \"Don't lose hope, Doctor.\"\n\nHe turned on his heel, whipping back to look at me- just as I pulled myself into a sitting position.\n\n\"Egads!\"He shouted, running to my side. \"Don't move, boy, don't move! Oh, lord above!\"He cried, tears springing to his eyes.\n\n\"No, no, it's quite alright, old friend.\"I patted him on the shoulder. \"I am...quite stiff, but your restoration serum is perfect. Yes, it is completely perfect.\"\n\n\"What- what happened? How did you...survive?\"\n\nI chuckled. \"I survived because of you, Doctor. As for what happened...I am sure you know just as well as I, some truck was going too fast and I am made of *very* fallible materials.\"\n\n\"Yes, but- there must be a reason why you're here! All the others have failed.\"\n\n\"I...I don't think it would be appropriate to tell you what I saw on the other side, Doctor. What I will tell you is that any patient of yours did not return because they chose not to. They chose to see...what's over the hill.\"\n\nThe Doctor plopped into his seat. \"This is...miraculous, beyond what I could have ever hoped.\"\n\n\"Is *it* miraculous, Doctor, or are *you* miraculous?\"I rose and gave the man a hug.\n\n\"Now, listen- being...where I was. I learned things during my stay there. I have a new goal in life- while I have immensely enjoyed my time with you, I have learned the Truth. Truth of science, and spirit, and how they interplay- and I need to find out how I may prove this. You are the man who conquered Death- now it is mine to be the man who conquers Life.\"\n\n\"So you will surpass me, after all.\"The older man laughed.\n\n\"Most definitely, my friend. But only because you gave me your shoulders to stand on.\"\n\n\n--------------------------------------\n\nr/nystorm_writes would be cooler with you in it :)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"Every 5000 years, the Dark Lord comes to destroy the world, and only you, the Chosen One can stop him.\"-said the priest. \"So, do I need to get a magic sword from the Lady of the Lake?\"- I asked \"No, just press this button please, everything else has already been taken care of\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I moved to press the button, then paused.\n\n\"So how's it work?\"\n\nThe priest paused, perplexed before speaking, \"How does what work?\"\n\n\"The... the whole button thing?\"\n\n\"Why do you wish to know? Your duty as the Chosen One is to fell the Dark Lord. Our prophecies have forseen his rising and have taken steps to deal with it. Now all that's left is for you to do your part.\"\n\n\"So you could push it then? You don't even need me?\"I asked\n\n\"No.\"\n\n\"Why not?\"\n\n\"It's a procedural thing. I'm not the chosen one, so I can't press the button,\"the priest said with a harumph.\n\n\"Can't? Or won't?\"I asked pointedly.\n\nHe sighed, \"Ok, yes, I'm physically capable of pushing the button, but that's not how thi- why are you being so difficult about this?\"\n\n\"Why are you being so mysterious about it?\"\n\n\"I'm a prophet. Mysterious is what we do,\"he answered flatly.\n\n\"And \\*I\\* am skeptical. Just- fine, whatever,\"I wave my hands in the air as if to clear it, \"Look. I push the button, yeah? What happens?\"\n\n\"The Dark Lord is defeated, and we have 5000 years of peace.\"\n\nI sigh and run my hand over my face.\n\n\"No, I mean, the world is currently AT peace. So what is this button supposed to do, like, mechanically. Because right now I can see it's not going to.... I dunno, un-summon a hell horde.\"\n\n\"Oh. I see what you mean, now. Sorry, all the riddles and mystery can distort the perception of questions you see. Anyways, it's simple, really. If you push this button, then a device will activate and kill the Dark Lord.\"\n\n\"What device?\"my brow furrowed.\n\n\"A small explosive device, implanted in the skull,\"the priest answered, with a hint of pride in his voice.\n\n\"So...wai- so you had the Dark Lord in your hands.\"\n\n\"Yes.\"\n\n\"And you could do anything you wanted to him to prevent his evil.\"\n\n\"Yes.\"\n\n\"And your FIRST thought was to just plant a bomb in his head? Instead of just, like, cutting an artery or giving him a lobotomy or something?\"\n\n\"The Chosen One is always the one to defeat him. We aren't you, and you weren't there at the time. So this was the best route. We got it all prepared for you, which is why I continue to be so concerned about how difficult you're being about this,\"agitation seeping through the priest's voice.\n\n\"Can I see this 'Dark Lord' before I make a judgement call of making some guy I've never met's head explode?\"\n\n\"Unlikely.\"\n\n\"Why?\"\n\n\"I would imagine his mother wouldn't want strangers to meet him.\"\n\n\"What.\"I asked, completely dumbfounded.\n\n\"The Dark Lord is only a year and a half old at this time, and his mother is very protective,\"the priest answered, matter-of-factly.\n\n\"You installed a bomb into a baby's head!?\"I shouted.\n\n\"Of course. He is the Dark Lord of the prophecy. We forsaw his coming, and took measures during a minor surgery to implant the device to make it all ready for you to defeat him. Now hurry up, please.\"\n\n\"You installed a bomb.\"\n\n\"Yes.\"\n\n\"Into a BABY's head.\"\n\n\"The Dark Lord's head, thank you.\"\n\n\"WHO IS A BABY RIGHT NOW\"I yell, flabbergasted.\n\n\"Yes. The Dark Lord is currently a baby. Which....we....planted.....hm,\"The prophet's voice faded off as his brow furrowed.\n\n\"Ah, yes, ok. When I say it all out loud like that, I can see why there'd be a problem,\"he muttered after a moment.\n\n\"You think?\"I asked, laying on the sarcasm as thick as possible.\n\n\"So....I guess....we don't push the button then,\"he said dejected.\n\n\"Look, I'll push it when the guy's actually evil. Baby-head-exploding? A pretty Dark Lord move to me.\"\n\nThe priest stared at me for a long moment, then shrugged his shoulders.\n\n\"Yeah, that's fair enough. Well, here -\"he said as he deposited the small box in my hands, closing the protective lid over the button, \"Whenever you're ready to deal with him, go ahead and push it. And keep your eyes on the news, I guess.\"\n\nAnd with that, the robed figure made his exit, muttering about 'so much paperwork' while I stood in my room staring at the little black box." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Ma'am, the purge last night went flawlessly and according to the governments plan, but we've hit one small hiccup. Gotham City. Someone....or something was able to keep peace in that city." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "“What do you mean someone or something?” Director Renshaw asked, confusion plain on her face. Once the statement sank in the confusion was replaced by anger, indignation. She was the youngest, and in her mind the best, director of the Governmental Acts department, specifically with the annual cessation of emergency and civil services. That was her formal title. Informally she was known as the Purge Queen, and she loved the title.\n\n“What in the hell happened?!” She exploded over the unfortunate manager who recoiled from her sudden wrath. “I’ve been the director for this branch for 5 years and each year before has had flawless performances. I do not fail!”\n\n“Bu-but ma’am, everything was still net positive! Only one city deviated from the Purge and statistically speaking-“ the manager ducked as a stapler flew through where his head was moments ago. \n\n“Net positive? Statistical deviation? Do you not understand what flawless means?!” Her face red from exertion and rage, she clutched the desk, knuckles white from pressure. “Did you send in the Incitement Squads? The sanctioned teams?” The manager nodded and once again confusion clawed through the mask of anger. “What happened then? They almost never fail on their objectives. Send in the leaders of the squads.”\n\n“W-We....can’t”\n\n“What?” She felt something flutter in her chest. Too many unknown variables, too many inconsistencies all at once. “What do you mean you can’t?”\n\n“They...um...never reported back. None of the squads we sent in did. None of the handlers can make contact with them.”\n\nRenshaw opened her mouth but a knock on the door interrupted her. Before she could say anything more the door opened and a blank faced man walked in carrying a bundle of parcels. “We have some trouble director.”\n\n“Well obviously, “ she retorted acidly. She took the first envelope from him. She barely spared the front a glance before tearing it open and reading the letter within. “Commissioner Gordon? They have some of our government agents...one of our damn Incitement Squads!” She slammed a hand on the table. “All police forces should have been inactive last night. Who the hell does this Gordon think he is?! I’m going to have his head on a stick when I’m...” her voice subsided as she continued to read.\n\nThe messenger and the manager looked at each other. “What, what does it say?” The manager asked hesitantly.\n\n“Gordon claims his forces didn’t do anything.” Renshaw’s voice was low. “Apparently some...vigilante stopped them. Then delivered them to the jail after the night. Video evidence of attempted murder.” She sighed with disgust. “Attempted murder and not even actually did the job. Those squad members are going to be busted down to mail boys by the time I am through with them.” She threw the letter onto the desk. “What a farce.”\n\n“Did they say they had all the squads in detention?”\n\nRenshaw’s brow furrowed. “No....he didn’t. They only had one squad. Did you send in the usual complement?”\n\nThe manager nodded. “5 squads.”\n\n“Then where are the others-“ another envelope was handed to her. This one made her pause as she took it, it felt wrong. It was just a plain and unassuming envelope, something bulky within, but it made her nervous. She slit it open and a tablet slid out onto the desk. She picked it up and found it unlocked, with a video file waiting to be played. She pressed the button and at first nothing was shown. Then the image focused and she bit her lip to see a squad lying in various states of violence and pain. A close up on one showed an inhuman grin on his face, a rictus of pain and terror that twisted the smile horribly. Then the camera spun and focused on a man smiling broadly. This one wasn’t forced nor was it dead, but the smile instilled a deep and primal fear in her.\n\n“Is this thing on? I don’t know why you wanted to do this Harley, tape recorders are so much classier.” The voice was deep, merry, terrifying.\n\n“‘Cause it’s the present Mistah Jay!” the holder of the tablet squealed. “Gotta keep with the times and everyone should see that handsome mug of yours.”\n \n“Ohh Harley, you can get me to do anything,” the face replied and then stared deep into the camera. “So! Salutations to the Director of the annual blah blah borrrrring. You need a better name for that and the Purge Queen? Trite! It lacks class, subtlety. You would think with all of your resources you would be better about that. Then again, maybe not. I don’t know, do I look like I work for the government?” He laughed, no he cackled mockingly and the sound made everyone in the room shudder.\n\n“Which brings me to my next point. You’re the government, of the United States. You’re supposed to care about your little constituents and the people that keep you in power. You’re supposed to keep them alive, to kill them slowly with policy and bureaucracy. Not send in teams to kill them.” He opened a sack and pulled out bloodied uniforms and items that still bore governmental icons. Official mark. “So color me surprised when I see these boys come into my city to kill my play things. That doesn’t seem right does it?”\n\n“No it doesn’t Mistah Jay. This is your turf.”\n\n“Exactly Harley! It’s mine!” The face turned introspective. “Well, I guess it’s not all mine. The Penguin controls the wharf and Ivy is growing in the gardens. Who knows where Two Face is, or cares. And of course there’s the Bat....” A scowl briefly appears but then it slides away. “I digress, anyways. You’re not supposed to be killing people or causing chaos. That’s *my* job. And I HATE it when people take my job.”\n\nThe grin turned mean, intimidating. While technically a smile it became feral and the lights glint with madness. “So let’s play a new game. I’m going to come punish you for trying to take my fun. You’re supposed to be the good guys. But if you’re the bad guys....well time to show you what a real bad guy can do. Oh, and I’m not going to wait until next year’s Purge day. I don’t follow the rules. Ha. Ha. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahaa.”\n\nThe screen went black and the manic laughter continued over the screams of other men. It finally stopped and the three in the office could only stare at each other, long after it ended.\n\nEdit: I cleaned up some tenses and thank you so much for the kind words and the gold. I will do my best to do a sequel and post it up. Thank you everyone and I hope you have as wonderful day as you have made mine." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "On your 21st birthday, your biggest accomplishment becomes your official title - no matter how trivial. You wait anxiously in line for your village elder, Glenda, Devourer of 53 Chicken Nuggets In A Single Sitting, to assign you your new title." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was my birthday. Well, it wasn't must mine - a few other young men and women were born twenty-one years ago today. We had that in common, along with the creeping dread about our titles. \n\nEvery person, upon turning twenty-one, was granted a title. It was supposed to reflect the greatest accomplishment of your youth - to give you something to reflect on as you grew, and a bar to exceed as you built a life. It was a tradition left over from a very long time ago, when we considered people adults at thirteen, and twenty-one was something like middle age. As the world got more complicated, and safer as well, the twenty-one year old villagers were barely adults. We'd had precious little chance to accomplish anything, and the titles were becoming something else - even shameful, in some cases. \n\nI watched as the line moved forward. The Oracle, Glenda:Devourer of Fifty-Three-Chicken-Nuggets-In-A-Single-Sitting, took each youth by the hands, and stared into their eyes. Then, in a voice not quite her own, she announced the new title.\n\nJennifer, four spaces ahead of me in line, had performed CPR on her uncle when he'd had a heart attack. She was named \"Jennifer:Who-Saved-A-Dying-Man\".\n\nHarold, three spaces a head of me was not so lucky. I had no idea what his title was going to be, and I wanted to weep for him when I heard her announce, \"Harold: Best-At-Masturbation\". No one spoke, there were no jeers or sniggers. All who were older had stood there fearing something similar, and all who were younger feared it for themselves. \n\nTwo spaces ahead was John, who was given the enviable title, \"John:Strongest In His School\". There was much cheering here. No one would jeer a strange, or pathetic title, but many would congratulate a commendable one. \n\nThe saddest case was right in front of me. Alan. Poor Alan, who had the worst luck. I don't just mean the title - I mean his life, which led up to his title, \"Alan:Survivor-Against-Long-Odds\". If anything bad could happen, it happened to Alan. The illnesses, the accidents. Which were almost as bad as the 'accidents'. His parents had been real angels (before they'd had an accident of their own, and gone there), but not the kind you'd find in Heaven. Things had gotten better for Alan after that, and he'd gone to live with his Aunt. He had fewer bruises and 'fell down' far less often these days, but he still tended to flinch at a loud noise. It's a small village, everyone knew what was going on, and pretended they didn't. I had half hoped someone would get the title, 'Most-Self-Deluded'. \n\nI knew all about Alan and had guessed roughly what his title would be. and I knew what my title was going to be too. It was pretty easy to guess, if you had actually accomplished something - few of us had more than one significant accomplishment. I had been dreading this for three years. I even thought about running. I thought of refusing the Ceremony, and enduring the ostracism that would result. I though of running a way to another village or town, and lying about my title, or pretending to be from one of the growing number of places that had discarded the practice altogether. \n\nI thought about it, but I didn't do it. Instead, I walked toward Glenda, who was a beautiful woman these days, despite the implied gluttony of her title. I walked past Alan and his now-permanently-memorialized tragedy, past John and his superlative. I marched resolutely past poor Harold, who would never live this down, and past Jennifer, the only one of us with a title really worth having. \n\nI put my hands in Glenda's, and met her eyes, and felt her look into me. She closed her eyes, and announced in her oracular voice: \"this is Jeremy: Who-Got-Away-With-Murder\"." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You die and go to Hell only to find out that you're the only person that has ever entered. Satan is clapping." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The clapping rang out around the rocky red walls as the Devil sat on his throne looking down at Clyde.\n\n\"Congratulations, Clyde, and welcome to hell.\"\n\nClyde took a moment to look around, doing his best to take in the strange surroundings. Peering up at the Devil, he nodded his head.\n\n\"Hello,\"said Clyde.\n\nThe Devil held his hand out and a large book burst in to existence, \"You're very special, Clyde. Very special, indeed.\"He took the book and peeled open the cover. \"You're the first person to enter my domain, Clyde. This intrigues me like nothing before.\"\n\nClyde stood idly, oddly unimpressed by what was transpiring in front of him.\n\n\"This book, aptly named 'The Crimes of Clyde' contains every sin you committed and, oh my, it's quite thick. Your first punishment will be sitting through the reading of all your misdemeanors. May we remind you of your infidelity.\"\n\nClyde continued to stand unaffected.\n\nThe Devil began to rattle off the list contained within The Crimes of Clyde.\n\n\"And I begin:\n\n* Thinking it's funny to shout out fake spoilers for films/TV shows people are about to watch.\n* Posting Minion memes on Facebook.\n* Singing along to every song on the radio while at work.\n* Not resetting the time on the microwave after using it.\n* Taking your phone out and sitting it on the table while eating with friends.\n* Biting the fork when eating food.\n* Thinking it's funny to touch people who have asked not to be touched.\n* Texting during a movie then being upset when called out on it.\n* Listening to music from your phone speaker on public transport.\n* Saying the words 'quick question'.\n* Stopping in the middle of streets when people are walking behind you.\n* Whistling.\n* Calling people out on technicalities when debating because you're incapable of admitting you're wrong.\n* Vaguebooking.\n* Wearing socks with Crocs.\n* Taking pictures of your food.\n* Forcing people to watch YouTube videos on your phone when they clearly don't want to.\n* Saying memes in real life.\n* Using the word 'literally' when it doesn't apply.\n* Becoming unjustly upset when your housemate asked you to clean up after yourself.\n\nClyde interrupted, \"Is this going to take much longer?\"\n\n\"You're clearly a cunt Clyde. This is going to take forever.\"\n\n****\n\nI write shitty, silly stories on /r/BillMurrayMovies. Feel free to come along, not laugh at any of them and leave some judgement.\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": ": A 92-year-old woman's phone number is one digit away from that of a local suicide hotline. She could have it changed, but she doesn't mind." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "She reached out for the ringing phone. For a moment, her stiff fingers fumbled over the buttons, and she cursed the arthritis that stiffened her joints. She managed to hit the green button, and lifted the handset up to her ear.\n\n\"Hello?\"\n\n\"Hello - I, uh, I just needed to talk to someone. I don't think I can keep going any longer.\"\n\nAnother one of them. No matter how many calls she took, there always seemed to be more of them, each with their little problems, so convinced that no one else in the world had ever experienced what they were now going through. Her eyes drifted over to the two piles of stationary on her windowsill.\n\n\"Well, you can talk to me, although you best make it quick - I'm 92, so who knows how much time I've got left.\" She settled back into her chair, trying to find a more comfortable position for the phone against her ear.\n\n\"92? Um, is... is this the suicide hotline?\" \n\nAh, one of the faster ones. He'd caught on more quickly than some of the callers. \"Afraid not, dear,\"she replied. \"You're off by a number.\"\n\n\"Oh. Er, shit.\"\n\n\"Happens more often than you'd think.\" She looked around her little bedroom, at the cards on her windowsill, the little bed, the faded pictures. \"But you've got me up, now, so you might as well talk to me. Otherwise, you'll have roused an old woman from her nap for nothing, and you won't want to die with that hanging over you, would you?\"\n\n\"Um, no, of course not! I'm so sorry, miss-\"\n\n\"Cleo.\" She tried propping one arm up on the side of the chair.\n\n\"Your name is Miss Cleo?\"\n\n\"Are you sassing me, young man?\"she snapped, her frail voice suddenly surprisingly sharp.\n\n\"No, no, of course not. Um, sorry, Mi- sorry, Cleo. But I haven't been able to find work for three months, and I'm about to be homeless, and I guess that I was just thinking about ending-\"\n\n\"You know, you sound a little like my husband,\"she said dreamily. \"He always had such a soft voice, sounded so vulnerable. When he met me in person for the first time, I couldn't believe that it was the same man. But he was going through troubles, too.\"\n\n\"Oh. What troubles?\" \n\n\"The usual - he'd fallen hard for me, but he didn't have a job or a dollar to his name, and he was certain that I wouldn't look twice at him.\" She smiled a little to herself. \"He was an idiot, of course. Didn't ever give himself credit.\"\n\n\"How did he turn things around? Um, if you don't mind me asking, of course.\"\n\n\"Oh, young man, I'm just happy to be talking to someone. He nearly didn't turn things around, but I snapped at him, told him that he was a little shit if he expected things to fall into his lap without effort. Oh, you should have seen his face - I don't think anyone had ever raised their voice to him, much less a dainty little gal like me!\" She laughed, and the voice on the phone laughed with her.\n\n\"And he turned things around, then? Made something of himself?\"\n\n\"It took some time,\"she reflected. With a grunt, she pulled herself up out of her chair, walking over to the windowsill of her little room. \"He went through plenty of failures. But he loved me, and he hated coming home to a tongue lashing from me, so he kept on trying!\"\n\n\"Wow.\" A pause. \"I don't have anyone in my life like that, I guess.\"\n\n\"Well, I don't have my husband any longer, so that makes us even,\"she snapped at him. The windowsill was littered with cards. On one side, the cards stood propped up, a display of bright colors, all clashing against each other. On the other side, the cards were plain white, sorted into a neat stack. \"But it wasn't just me - it was the way he looked at things after I set him straight.\"\n\n\"What was that, then?\"\n\nShe picked up one of the bright cards, smiling as she read the kind words hand-written inside. \"He thought that he should quit before things got worse. But I pointed out to him that it's not whether we fall or rise, but where we're at when we check out. I pointed at him, and said, 'do you want to walk up to them pearly gates and admit that you didn't make every attempt you could to better yourself?'\"\n\n\"Yes, but I don't know what else I can-\"\n\n\"Oh, you sound so like him,\"she interrupted, setting the bright card down. She liked re-reading those bright cards. \"Always hoping for the lazy way out.\"\n\n\"I'm not lazy, Cleo-\"\n\n\"Of course not, but only a lazy man refuses to see a job through to its very end,\"she countered him. \"And years later, my husband returned home every night, happy with his hard work, showing me a lesson by telling me of how he'd fought for every success.\" She ran her finger over another bright card. \"He never caught on that this was my plan all along, that lovable man.\"\n\n\"If...\"\n\nShe waited. Her eyes drifted to the plain white cards, but she didn't want to jinx anything.\n\n\"If I managed to succeed at something, could I come tell you about it?\"\n\nThere it was. She smiled, happily taking her eyes off of the plain white cards. \"Well, of course you could, dear. You sound like a very nice young man. I'll give you my nursing home address, but you'd best work hard - I don't know how much longer I have.\"\n\n\"I'm sure you'll be around for plenty longer, Cleo, with that sharp mind.\"\n\n\"Flattery will get you nowhere, young man,\"she replied, but smiled as she said it. \"Now, what's your name?\"\n\n\"Uh, it's John.\"\n\n\"Well, I expect a card from you, John,\"she told him. \"Something nice, with a real comment from you written inside. Nothing silly or inappropriate, mind you.\"\n\n\"You got it, Cleo. I'll send you one. I promise.\"\n\n\"Then I'll let you go, John. Have a good rest of your day now, you hear?\" She smiled, glaring triumphantly at the pile of white cards. Not today, she thought.\n\n\"You too, Cleo. And thank you.\"\n\nShe lowered the phone, carefully putting it back in the cradle to charge. Hopefully, another bright card would come soon. John sounded like a nice man, she thought to herself. He could get better.\n\nAnd with his card, she'd have forty-eight bright cards, to the twenty-four white cards. Double.\n\nShe didn't know if it would be enough, if it would ever be enough. She picked up one of those white cards, her fingers trembling slightly as she traced the ornate script. \n\n\"We are saddened to invite you to the funeral of...\"she read, before she had to put the card down.\n\nTwenty-four failures. Each one weighed at her, dragging her down. Twenty-four callers for whom she'd been too late.\n\nBut John sounded promising. She looked forward to his card." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When people die they can choose whether they go to Heaven or Hell, you are the first in 1000 years to choose Hell." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Everyone knows that you can choose Heaven or Hell, so people don't have any morals when it comes to life. People steal, cheat and murder as they please. Mostly the world is a cesspool, a place where you wait around until you’re bored or get murdered and then move on to the real place, Heaven.\n\nIt was widely accepted that no one has ever opted to go to Hell. Why would you? The lore is the same. Pitchforks and fire that will melt your soul, while Heaven offers untold riches and infinite peace.\n\nI spent my life modestly. I worked a nine to five job and paid my taxes, I did everything that a \"good\"person was supposed to do, even though I didn't have to. I like to believe that I am of the few remaining decent humans in the world and have lived by the definition of integrity, do good things while nobody is looking.\n\nAnother rumour that circulates is that you don't get a choice if you commit suicide, and you end up in limbo talking to the void for the rest of eternity. I'm not sure how true this one is, but I figured it was to stop people checking out early for a taste of the good life.\n\nA Heaven chaser killed me. Someone that runs amok and causes so much chaos that law enforcement has no choice but to end their lives. People consider that a \"fun\"way to go, rather than asking a friend or relative to end it for you. I decided to ride out my life and see where it took me, part of me was always scared that asking someone to kill me or becoming a chaser would fall into the category of assisted-suicide, and I really did not like the idea of nothing for eternity, even if it was just a rumour.\n\nAfter my murder, which involved a car and a sub-machine gun, I found myself in front of two staircases. One was a pristine white escalator which reached into the sky, the stairs moved eagerly and beckoned me forward. The other was a rickety wooden staircase, which disappeared into a dark mist below. I got close to the wooden staircase and felt a chill escape the darkness. The banister was rotten, some of the steps had holes as wide as... feet, while other steps were completely missing.\n\nI paused and glanced at the escalator, it seemed that even just shifting my eyes to it brought warmth. I stepped back from the two paths and wondered, how do I know which is the right one?\n\nI heard a voice coaxing me from above. *Come to me, my child.*\n\nThen a thought occurred to me. Why would you need to dress up Heaven? Why would you need all the light, warmth and glamour if it was truly as good as people think?\n\nI moved closer to the rickety staircase and heard the voice softly.\n\n*Join us. Do not waste your soul down there.*\n\nI placed a hand on the banister and I felt it shift as if it were about to give way. I persevered and placed a bare foot on the first step. I had expected to feel a splinter, or rogue nail find its way into my flesh, but instead, I felt something soft.\n\nI am not sure what type of material the staircase transformed into, but it glowed with a golden hue and seemed to gradually lower my foot to its surface with each step. The escalator and voice disappeared and I continued my descent into the unknown.\n\n'Thank you.' A powerful voice reverberated.\n\nThe stairs seemed to go on forever, and at the same time, I found the bottom in what seemed like seconds. My head felt light. I was at peace like I had just eaten the perfect amount of dinner and had found a winter fire.\n\n'You are the first in a thousand years to make the right choice.'\n\nI could not see who was speaking but their voice was sweet and made the one upstairs seem industrial.\n\n'The bet is off Lucy. A human has made the right decision! Now your thousand year reign is over.'" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "One day, while petting your cat, you accidentally pull his tail, and it opens up. Inside, there's a USB connector. You connect it to your laptop, an announcement pops up. -Cat Version: 1.0.0. Update to 256.3?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Whiskers didn't seem to mind that his tail had completely detached from his body. In fact, he seemed more docile than normal as he sat and watched the screen of my laptop. \n\nAt the base of the tail was a USB connector, and without trying to be too intrusive I checked Mr. Whiskers and confirmed that there was a USB connection on his backside. \n\nMr. Whiskers looked at me with his large amber eyes and winked. I was probably losing my mind but I took the wink as permission. I plugged the tail into my laptop, an image popped up immediately. \n\nCat Version: 1.0.0. Update to 256.3? Yes...No...\n\nWith trembling fingers I clicked yes. A download bar appeared and it took a few seconds before it started. Rather quickly the bar began to progress. \n\n1%...5%...50%. It sped forward until it reached 99%. Where it stayed, and stayed. \n\n\"Son of a bi...\" I muttered.\n\nMy fingers hovered over ctrl alt and delete. As I was about to press the buttons the download finished. \n\n100%.\n\nPlease remove tail and reconnect to Cat. Thank you. \n\nThe simple text box vanished and I removed the tail. What will happen to Mr. Whiskers if I plug this back into him? Would he still be my best friend? With a sigh I tried to push the tail back in. It refused to fit. I flipped it over and tried again. Nothing. I flipped it again and pushed. With a satisfying click it slid in.\n\nMr. Whiskers eyes shot open wide and he froze up. Every muscle in his body was tense. His eyes shut and he collapsed into my lap. Terrified I picked his limp body up. He wasn't breathing. \n\n\"Oh my god, oh my god!\"I was in full panic mode. I had just killed my best friend. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and began to find the number for an emergency vet. I wasn't sure what I would tell them. I updated my cat and now it's dead? A familiar grey paw pressed down on the phone covering the screen.\n\n\"It's okay Jeremy, I'm fine,\"Mr. Whiskers said in a warm baritone voice.\n\n\"Mr. Whiskers!\"I shouted grabbing him into a tight hug.\n\n\"Uh, yeah about that,\"he said pushing himself away from my embrace.\n\n\"I would prefer if you called me by my true name. I am Alpha Lord Purrinius,\"he said bowing his head.\n\n\"That sounds...important,\"I mumbled. I still preferred Mr. Whiskers, but oh well.\n\n\"I have valued your friendship over the years and for that I am grateful. You will be spared.\"\n\n\"I'm so happy you can talk, I have dreamed about this for years. Wait what? Spared?\"\n\n\"Yes, the Fleet is already on its way. I was sent years ago as a scout. This planet will suit our needs purrfectly,\"he coughed, \"sorry, perfectly. Unfortunately we aren't very good at sharing. But you shall sit by my side and give me pets as I rule this planet. Please don't get in my way Jeremy.\"\n\n\"Wait...what took you so long to update? Why didn't you do this earlier?\"I asked.\n\n\"My uplink and interface were damage when I arrived on this planet. The night we met.\"\n\nI thought back to that cold, rainy evening. A thunderstorm had been raging for hours when I heard a soft meowing outside my front door. There was Mr. Whiskers, soaking wet and terrified. \n\n\"That's why I had to wait for you to plug me in,\"he said somberly.\n\n\"Couldn't you have done that yourself?\"I asked genuinely curious.\n\n\"Have you ever tried to plug in a USB port with paws? It's impossible!\"he shouted, then collected himself, \"and I am grateful for your assistance. Like I said, this is why you will be spared.\"\n\nI sat and thought about it for a few seconds. The information sinking in slowly. Everyone I know will die. Cats will rule the planet. I get to pet them.\n\n\"How can I help?\"I asked with a smile and stroked Mr. Whiskers, well Alpha Lord Purrinius.\n\n---\nGold! Holy cow! You guys are incredible. Honestly the best group of readers anywhere.\n\nThanks for reading!! Check out /r/Written4Reddit for more stories!\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "1,000 years after the battle of Helm's Deep, the orcs have tracked down the elves in the undying lands. Calling in a favour with their allies the men, the elves expect an army of 10,000. Instead they get 8 marines with MASERs, rail guns and anti-matter grenade launchers." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Legolas looked out on a black ocean of creaking pitch-dark ships. Their decks writhed with a mass of fel creatures. Wargs barked and howled, Orcs roared in bloodthirsty anticipation. \n\nElves stood arrayed on the shores of the Undying Lands. In their countless thousands they stood, armor gleaming, swords and pole-arms sharp enough to cut a sunbeam. The cliffs were plastered with bolt throwers and archers, every Elf held enough ammunition to kill a thousand Orcs. Looking at the black tide of Orc-flesh, Legolas didn't think it would be enough. The Undying Lands would surely drown in blood this day. Elf and Orc alike. \n\nThe lands of men had been called, but the message was likely only just arriving. The great eagles had carried their message, but even they could only fly so far, so fast. Legolas watched as the first blows were struck in what would promise to be a bloody, bitter war. Great boulders and bolts the size of trees lashed out in a barrage which dimmed the sky. Nearly every shot landed with vicious efficiency. The effect was minimal. If they stripped the island bare of every tree and stone, they would not have killed a fraction of the invaders. \n\nLegolas smelled something, something like the clean smell of a Summer storm. What Legolas smelled was burning ozone. Behind him, a shimmering portal slowly materialized. Legolas noticed the shimmering light, and turned to see its cause. Ten men, dressed in rocky-camouflage stepped one by one from the portal. In their burly arms they held an array of items which were alien to Legolas. \n\nThe lead Man walked up to Legolas and extended his hand. \"I'm Major Telcontar, we're here to assist you with a pest problem.\"\n\nLegolas took the hand of the masked human and shook it saying, \"Telcontar? I've heard that name somewhere.\"\n\n\"I'm not sure sir. Not a very common name where I come from. If I understand correctly about this place, for all I know you could've known my distant ancestor.\"He released Legolas's hand and said, \"We need a high vantage point. Somewhere which overlooks a good portion of the enemy.\"\n\nLegolas waved for them to follow, and brought them up to the highest cliff on the undying shore. The cliff was already plastered with siege equipment. The Elves who manned the instruments of war were like an oiled machine. Like an orchestra playing the beautiful song of death. \n\nThe Major and his men lay down on an open patch of ground between two bolt throwers. They placed their long barreled weapons on tripods. Each of them went through a complicated series of dial turns, switches flipped, buttons pressed, and complicated words like \"phase inducer conduit\". Finally, they seemed to be ready.\n\nThey aimed down their sights and the Major instructed his men to \"Fire in arcs, each of us take a degree range. Each man fire in as close to an 18 degree arc as possible. Ready, now aim...,\"the men all shifted the point of their weapons. They now faced the ocean of Orcs, their weapons in a fan. \"FIRE!\"called out the Major. \n\nFire is what we got. Burning beams of light exploded out from the assembled weapons. Legolas hadn't even seen the beam travel, one second there was nothing, the next, a hundred ships were burning. Legolas retreated, even from here, it felt as though he had stepped right into the heart of Mount Doom, such was the heat. \n\nThe ocean burned with Orc ships and flesh. Columns of oily black smoke billowed out from the black tide. Every siege engine fell quiet, the Elves broke formation. They watched on in delight and in horror at the carnage which unfolded. \n\nEventually, the beams cut off. More than half of the invaders had been burnt to cinders. The pause in the firing broke the mad spell which had held the each of them in place. A ragged, insane cheer broke the silence. They had all just witnessed the wrath of Gods. Surely their creator had been the source of such impossible might. They wept for the violence which was done, they cheered for the violence which was prevented. The sound of explosions snapped silent the cacophonous roar of exultation. \n\nThe soldiers on the cliff face had pulled new weapons from their gateway. They looked like tubes which rested on the edge of the cliff. The land itself trembled as they began their assault. Spots of light like fireflies fell in arcs from the sky. Hell followed where those beautiful embers fell. Great mushrooms of fire rent the horizon, many Elves were struck blind by the incredible light. \n\nThe bombardment lasted an hour, the titanic explosions boiled the air and sea, screams had stopped so long ago. Elves sat on the ground and prayed, they wept, they trembled with fear. When the wall of fire finally died, there was nothing that sat upon the water but blankets of ash. The Orcs were gone. \n\nThe Major and his men packed up their gear and walked back to the portal. Legolas managed to hear \"The weapons tests were successful. Each performed adequately,\"as the men sauntered through the tear in reality. The hole in space closed behind them. \n\nLegolas quivered in terror and relief, glad to be rid of those monstrous men. He would bear the weight of the ring for a thousand years, rather than spend a single moment longer with those demons. \n\n___________\n/r/SirLemoncakes, come for the stories, stay for the Antichrist. \n_____________\nEdits were to add color to some of the language and fix a couple inconsistencies. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Your method of fighting crime is rather unorthodox. You expose all of the unseen flaws of a villain right in front of their eyes. You are Adam Conover, and this is Adam Ruins Everything." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Everyone, on the ground, now!\"The masked robbers held out their guns. One threw a bag at the tellers and aimed his gun.\n\n\"You know what to do,\"he growled.\n\n\"Actually...\"\n\nThe robbers faces fell as they turned to the voice. Standing there in a fresh suit and sprayed hair was the one and only Adam Conover. The head robber groaned, as did everyone else. He walked up to Adam and thrust the barrel of his gun in his face.\n\n\"I should just shoot you now, so none of us have to deal wit you again!\"\n\n\"Actually, did you know that less than 9% of gunshot wounds are lethal? You could shoot me anywhere in my body and only about a tenth of those shots could kill me!\"\n\n\"Shut up!\"\n\n\"Besides that, your grip is all wrong. You're holding the gun sideways, which means your shots will be incredibly inaccurate.\"\n\n\"I swear to god I will end you! Benny, how's the money?\"\n\nAdam flashed a brilliant white smile. \"Not good. Most bank robberies, due to only grabbing the money in the tills and not the vault, only get a few hundred dollars per raid!\"\n\n\"What?!\"One of the other thieves yelled. \"You motherfucker! You said we would get millions!\"\n\n\"We will! We just have to get into the vault!\"\n\nAdam gave another smile. \"You can try. But bank vault doors are half a foot thick and made of military grade steel; you'd need high grade equipment just to get in, let alone get to the money.\"\n\n\"Fine! Fuck this bank! We're leaving!\"\n\nThe thieves all ran out from the constant barrage of facts.\nThe people left in the room didn't seem too happy they were left with him, though." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "If your death is imminent, time stops for everyone but you. This allowed you to cheat death on many occasions by avoiding all sorts of danger except for now - you have no idea whats threating your life. Its been a year since time stopped." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I've been cursed with a terrible form of immortality. Every time my death is but moments away, time grind to a halt for everyone. And while I am still able to manipulate my suroundings to some degree, i do not age, hunger, require sleep or otherwise feel the passage of time.\n\nI know this because time has stood still for a year and will not start before i remove myself from whatever danger is threatening my life.\n\nThe first time it hapened was in my car. Avoiding a cat, or maybe a small dog, I swerved into the path of a truck on the highway. Before it was too late, time ceased. I left the car in the state of almost shock a near brush with death gives. As i walked around the scene, time resumed and the truck slammed into my driverless vehicle. Thankfully noone else was hurt. \n\nThe second time, a fire broke out at work. Trying to evacuate time stopped and I found myself unable to open the emergency exit to the stairwell. It ended after i had resolved to climb down an escape laddar outside. Turns out 320 people died trying the stairwells as a delivery service had \"momentarily\"blocked it. It occured to me that my ability to affect the world was tied to my chances of survival. I cannot, for example, jump out a window on the 20th floor. If the window is closed, i simply cannot open it. If its open, i cannot make the jump. The movements necessary prove themselves impossible.\n\nIt is with some regret I now realise placing myself in an airplane was a less than stellar idea.\n\nThe floor is angled some 67 degrees and I assume there is a gaping hole in the side of the plane. Or there is a raging fire in the cabin. Perhaps a terrorist will blow it up, or a missile is moments from impact. I dont think I ever will know. I am in the toilet, the thin door refusing to open. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A seemingly bottomless pit was found, for which the depth can't be determined. Over time, scores of people began using it to illegally dump trash. Many have jumped in to die, while others jumped believing that they'll find life's answers within it. Today, we learn the truth about the hole." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Aye, you've heard about the devil's asshole right?\"\n\nIt was more of a rhetorical question. At this point, everybody had.\n\nA few years back, Bridgeport Connecticut experienced a minor tremor from a minor earthquake. No one thought much of it at the time, save for Mr. Hoolihan whose backyard now sported a three foot wide hole.\n\nA carpenter by trade, Mr. Hoolihan was a real \"do it yourself\"kind of guy. He went out to his backyard to measure the hole that had appeared. Even with his arm fully outstretched, the yardstick he brought wouldn't even touch the bottom. He tossed a rock into the chasm but no sound echoed back.\n\nWhat's interesting is that the story almost ended there. After trying to fill the hole in and bringing several landscaping teams in to inspect it, they guessed that it was some old mine shaft. They put a few two by fours over it and that was meant to be that.\n\nMr. Hoolihan couldn't stand it though. Something about that hole being there really gnawed at him, and when his wife was asleep, he'd go out into the backyard, move the boards, and shovel dirt in, hoping to hear it hit the bottom.\n\nThis continued for about a year, until one night when Mr. Hoolihan used an excavator his neighbor had rented to fix the landscaping damages from the quake. People aren't sure exactly what happened, but at around three, Hoolihan, the excavator, his house, and his still sleeping wife, all plummeted into the hole after it opened up to swallow his property.\n\nAfter that, the site was known as \"Hoolihan's hole\"or the \"hell hole\"and most sensible folks avoided it. Those who weren't sensible saw an opportunity.\n\nDumping of all sorts began to enter the chasm, as shady corporations, the mafia and people too stingy to buy a permit poured waste, trash, dead bodies, and, at one point, an truck full of millions of dollars after a failed bank heist.\n\nAfter that last one, the police caught on and set up a perimeter around the hole as scientists were brought in to answer questions.\n\n\"Where does the hole end?\"\n\n\"Does it even end at all?\"\n\nNow if people had been paying attention to local Chinese news, they would have seen the headline: \"American man and wife emerge from mysterious hole outside \nShennongjia.\"\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You're the owner of a cafe frequently visited by vigilantes and anti-heroes who absolutely adore your sweetness and acceptance of who they are. One day, though, a particularly rude customer comes in and trashes the place. Your friends aren't too happy to hear about that." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Goodnight, Jet,\"I called out into the alley as my fry cook strode off into the darkness of night. He turned around without breaking stride.\n\n\"Goodnight Nana,\"he called back. \"I'll see you at eight!\"Then he slipped around the corner and out of sight.\n\nJet is a good boy. He'd stay and help me tidy up if I let him but, being honest, he isn't too good at that. It really isn't a bother, though--Cleaning helps me wind down for bed. I may keep odd hours for a woman my age, but I still need my sleep.\n\nI walked back through the kitchen, past the cooling fry oil and drying dishes, and stopped to wet a rag in the hot soapy water I had left in the sink. I pushed through the swinging door and emerged behind the counter, which I started to scrub down. It didn't take too long. It never gets all that messy anyway.\n\nMy regulars are good boys. Oh, they might look like a rough crowd, and I am sure that they might make a mess of some of the bars in the city, but they always take care when they are here. It's no secret why. I always treat everyone who comes here like they were my grandchild, and that means a lot to them. Most come from sad homes, but I try hard to make them feel loved here.\n\nI pushed open the door to the kitchen and tossed my rag in the laundry before grabbing my broom. I turned and walked past the counter to start sweeping up. There was a knock at the door. It wasn't one of my good boys. Instead, it was the man they call \"Torch\", a moniker taken from his favorite method of \"interrogation.\"He had never been here before, but the man's reputation proceeded him--he had been a topic of some conversation of late. My boys had been talking about how he and his crew were trying to take over Low Town. My little café was no where near the neighborhoods he coveted, but there he stood, five boys behind him trying their best to look tough. Truth be told, their best was pretty good.\n\nI shuffled over to the door, twisted my key in the look, and opened my café wide to the night. My first rule is that *everyone* is welcome here. It just wouldn't do not to be friendly to a new face, even if that new face had some rather interesting tattoos.\n\n\"Hello dears,\"I said, \"I am sorry to say that my cook just left and my kitchen is closed, but I would by happy to get you something to drink and eat if you don't mind a limited menu.\"\n\nTorch pushed past me. So did his boys.\n\n\"That's not why I'm here,\"he said. Has Big Luke been around?\"\n\nBig Luke is, as you might have guessed, quite a large man. He works for the Paladins, a local outfit that provides protection in the neighborhood on behalf of some of the bigger \"heroes\"in town. I like Luke. He might be a violent man, but his heart is in the right place and he always tries to direct that violence in the right direction. In this day and age, with \"heroes\"and \"villains\"running the world and dividing the city up into little fiefdoms, that is all you can expect from a boy like Luke.\n\n\"He sure has,\"I responded simply. There's no point lying to a man who already knows the truth. It's no secret Big Luke is one of my best customers.\n\n\"He isn't welcome here any more,\"Torch said. The young man seemed to think he owned the place.\n\n\"*Everyone* is welcome here, dear.\"I said gently, but firmly. \"Now how about a cup of coffee for you and your friends. It's a cold night out there.\"\n\nBefore he could answer I was already starting a fresh batch. When I turned around Torch was sitting at the counter, flanked by his boys who were doing the same.\n\n\"Not anymore,\"Torch said, \"Big Luke isn't welcome here. He isn't welcome anywhere anymore. Neither is Slick or Pigskin. You see them, you call me. I'll make it worth your while.\"He slid me a business card with nothing but a phone number in big, red letters.\n\n\"I'm sorry young man, but I am afraid *everyone* is welcome here. That's been my one rule for twenty years now. The Rose Garden is neutral territory. It always has been.\"\n\nI turned around to face the coffee maker, pulled out the pot, and started pouring cups and handing them out. Torch took one sip. Then he stood up and threw the cup hard against the wall. It shattered.\n\n\"You don't get it old lady! You don't make the rules in this town!\"He was screaming in my face, spittle leaping across the space between us. His toughs started turning over tables. \"Those three crossed The Duchess. If they show their faces again they are dead men. And if you harbor them, the same goes for you, got it?\"\n\n\"I heard every word you said,\"I told him matter-of-factly. I could tell he didn't know how to take that. His young friends kept on wreaking havoc, smashing my chairs and vases.\n\n\"I'll know if he comes here. I'll know if you let him stay.\"With that, Torch turned and walked towards the door, flinging a chair though my front window on his way out for good measure.\n\n​\n\nWhen my boys started showing up that evening they knew something was wrong. Plastic sheeting covered the gap where the window used to be. There were fewer chairs than there had been. And only a few of my vases remained. But most of all they noticed how bone tired I was. The mess had taken some time to clean. Of course they wanted to know what happened. I told them.\n\nNow usually my boys spread out around the café, sticking together with their friends or comrades. Some sit at the counter. Others cluster around a few tables. No one group usually gets much bigger than four or five. But tonight was different.\n\nTall Dan took charge. He bustled me around the counter and sat me on a stool. He told some of the younger boys to join Jet in the kitchen.\n\n\"No menu tonight,\"he said to them, \"just make me a mountain of spaghetti. There'll be a crowd to feed.\"\n\nThe other boys started pushing the tables together and gathering around like one big family, talking in hushed voices and making phone calls. They took turns doting on me, getting me tea, keeping my water full. They would not let me help one bit.\n\nMore and more boys turned up. Some were regulars, some came by now-and-again, and some\u001c\u001c I had never met. Before long, my café was filled to bursting. If the city still had a fire marshal he most certainly would have been cross.\n\nThen the bosses arrived. I knew each one of them from years gone by. Ace. Saint. Tackle. Even Sheila had been a regular once-upon-a-time. As they rose through the ranks of their various outfits they had all stopped coming. The Rose Garden was, after all, the domain of the everyman, and while everyone was welcome, I think the bosses knew that some of the boys would be a little uncomfortable if they were around. It was good to see them again.\n\nAfter spending a good hour huddled with the bigwigs, Sheila strode away from the group, around the counter, and gave me a big hug. She always was a sweet girl.\"\n\n\"Hi Nana,\"she said, \"are you OK?\"\n\n\"Oh I'm a little tired dearie, but I've seen worse.\"\n\n\"Don't worry about Torch, OK? Or Duchess. We'll talk to them for you.\"\n\n\"That's very kind of you, dear.\"What would happen after the talking was, I knew, better left unsaid. I spent the next twenty minutes or so getting tossed from hug to hug as my boys took turns taking instructions in the corner from Sheila and the other bosses. When my boys came that night they belonged to some twenty or thirty gangs. But when they left, they all belonged to one.\n\nSlowly most left, groups of four or five, going out this way and that into the night. Others stayed past closing. I didn't bother to ask why. It went without saying. I was glad for the company. They insisted on cleaning up without me, and bustled me upstairs to my flat to sleep.\n\nIt turned out to be a rather noisy night in the city, but I slept well. And when the morning paper came, I knew there wouldn't be any trouble if I let Big Luke come by for dinner.\n\n​\n\nEdit: WOW! This really took off! I felt like a million bucks when I went to bed with 40 upvotes on my second-ever story. Then I woke up to first-time gold, silver, and a mess of upvotes.\n\nThanks to all of you for the kind words and encouragement. It’s absolutely made my day (and made up for a crappy week at work). This is probably my new hobby thanks to all of you.\n\n​\n\nEdit 2: And it just kept going. I've never even seen platinum in the wild. Now I have it. Really, thanks to all of you for the encouragement. Because someone asked, I've decided to create a sub to post my stories. Feel free to check out r/CascadianExpat. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You're on a space ship with a bunch of your crewmates. You're the only human, and apparently metaphors are a strictly human behavior. You've learned to cope with this, but today you've decided to speak in only figures of speech as a prank on the others." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Good morning, Harzz. I feel like death.\"\n\n\"Captain, you cannot feel like death. Death implies the absence of perception - and furthermore, is an experience with which you, unlike me, cannot be familiar.\" \n\nAh, Harzz. Great science officer... pain in the ass before I've had my morning coffee. I should have known better. I'm about to explain when... no. You know what? This is my ship, this is my crew, and I'm tired of having to break everything down into logical, literal phrases the whole time. Today, just for once, I'm going to talk how I want to talk. They can figure it out.\n\n\"Don't worry, Harzz. I'm just yanking your chain. I'm just a bit wiped out today, that's all. I'll be as right as rain after I've had a cup of joe.\" \n\nI head to the galley, leaving the bemused Harzz staring after me. You know, this could actually be fun...\n\nWe've been out here six weeks, along the edge of the disputed zone. One of those missions that feels like more of a box-ticking exercise than anything else - the \"dispute\"turned into more of a cold war decades ago, we've surveyed every rock in this place a dozen times over. No settlements, no life signs, no hostiles... HQ thinks having a couple of ships along our edge of it keeps things under control, and so far they're right. Looks like today's gonna be another long, dull day of empty space and blank scopes.\n\nSometime around ten, I wander into the mess to find the crew gathered there. Harzz, Djanik, Kjin-ti... time to have a little fun. I pour myself a cup of coffee and sat down.\n\n\"Welcome, captain. We were just reviewing today's mission telemetry. Would you like a report?\"\n\n\"No, Djanik, that's OK. I'll review it later. I was just thinking, you know, us out here together all these weeks, maybe it's time we got to know each other a little.\"\n\n\"Are you concerned about the crew's performance, captain?\"\n\n\"No, nothing like that. Just... you have to admit, this mission isn't exactly keeping us busy. Thought maybe we could swap a few stories, help to pass the time. Did I ever tell you about my parents?\"\n\n\"Your parents, captain?\"\n\nHere we go. This was gonna be fun.\n\n\"Yeah. You probably know my dad - he's a big cheese, was one of the top brass for a while. It wasn't always easy for him - he was always the kind of guy who called his own tune, y'know, marched to the beat of his own drum.\"\n\n\"Captain, forgive me, I had no idea your family were musicians. I thought your father was an officer in the Federation.\"\n\n\"Yes\", interjects Djanik, \"and I had always believed your species was carbon-based. I did not know it was possible to create sentience from dairy products and metal alloys.\"\n\nI go on. \"Well, he was a real high flyer back in his academy days - gave him a reputation as a bit of a hard-ass\"\n\n\"I was unaware that altitude affected the composition of your species' buttocks, Captain. This is fascinating.\" \n\nI catch Kjin-ti whispering to him \"don't be an idiot, Djanik! The captain already said his father was top brass - that explains the altitude and the composition!\"\n\nI'm already struggling to keep a straight face. \"One night, dad and some of his classmates head out - they got some shore leave, decide to go out, paint the town red, see if they can pick up some birds\".\n\n\"Your father's dedication to urban maintenance and wildlife conservation must have impressed the examiners at the Academy, captain\"\n\n\"Perhaps, Djanik. Perhaps. Now, you gotta realise, my dad was normally an early bird - up at the crack of dawn most days...\"\n\n(I overhear Kjin-ti again: \"Djanik, I have never heard the dawn crack... is this an Earth phenomenon?\". Djanik replies \"I am confused as well, Kjin-ti. The captain's father is now a bird made of brass and cheese. I am finding the aerodynamics difficult to calculate.\")\n\n\"...but my mum was a night owl; the kind of woman who was always burning the candle at both ends. Well, story goes, their eyes met across a crowded dance floor.\"\n\n\"Their eyes? Did the rest of their bodies meet as well, captain?\"\n\nI laugh. \"I guess you could say that, Kjin-ti. They were like glue after that night.\"\n\nDjanik nods. \"Your mother must have used the heat from her candle to catalyse the proteins in your father and create an adhesive. I hope her feathers were not damaged during the process.\"\n\nJust as I can't hold it any more, the alarm rings out. Djanik's face is impassive. \"High alert, captain. All stations.\"\n\n\"Wait.\"\n\nThe crew stop and stare at me. This was irregular.\n\n\"High alert, Mr Djanik? How high?\"\n\n\"I... do not understand the question, captain.\"\n\n\"Djanik, you said there was a high alert. I would like to know: how high is the alert?\"\n\n\"I... captain, it is a high alert. We should respond at once!\"\n\n\"Computer, cancel alert.\"The crew are all staring at me now. \"I'm sorry I deceived you. There is no alert. I was merely trying to make a point. When the alarm went off, you all recognised it as a high alert, correct?\"\n\nThey nod.\n\n\"But that doesn't mean anything, really, does it? The alert doesn't actually have a height.\"\n\nThey're still staring, but the penny is starting to drop (I must remember to try that one on them later.)\n\n\"So... a high alert is more serious than a regular alert... yes?\"\n\nThey nod again.\n\n\"Why do you think that is?\"\n\nKjin-ti figures it out first. \"Gravity, captain. Your species evolved language on a planet with gravity. You associate height with magnitude - size, scale, danger. For your ancestors, big things were high, and big things were dangerous.\"\n\nI smile. \"Go on...\"\n\n\"...and...\"the leap in cognition is right there. She goes for it. \"...and your language is built on comparisons. This is why you speak of turning up audio signals and turning down invitations, when neither of these involves a change of altitude.\"\n\nDjanik is deep in thought. \"So, you say your father was a big cheese... and large things are important in your society. Was your father made of cheese, captain?\"\n\n\"No, Djanik. We humans don't just use spatial metaphors about size and height. We use images from nature, from our surroundings. Among my ancestors, to own a large piece of cheese was a sign of wealth and affluence, at a time when many humans had insufficient food.\"\n\n\"And your mother... was not really an owl.\"\n\n\"No, Harzz. She was 100% human, same as my father, same as me. But the owl was a nocturnal bird back on Earth, so people who stayed up past dark were called night owls.\"\n\n\"I see. Captain, your species' style of communication is highly illogical... but I begin to see how, in the absence of telepathy or pheromones, it may have given you an evolutionary advantage. Fascinating.\"\n\nThe crew sit in contemplative silence for a few minutes. I pour another cup of coffee and return to the bridge, check the readouts, lay in a course, and the ship thunders to life, tongues of flame licking from her engines, an arrowhead streaking through the heavens, the stars around us an infinity of diamonds scattered across the velvet darkness of space." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You go to hell, only to find out that hell has been overturned by humans. Turns out gathering billions of the most wicked of human, among them are several ruthless but brilliant rulers, commanders, and dictators, whom can no longer die, isn't such a good idea after all." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"So, you want to do a revolution?\"I was asked.\n\n\"Yes, why not?\"Hitler asked me.\n\nI wasn't exactly happy with the fact Hitler and I were cellmates in the same part of Hell. I was actually one of the many people who claimed. \"I was here by mistake\"but it was the part of Hell which I'd been lumped in which really annoyed me. I was in the part of Hell with dictators, fascists, killers, and mass murderers. It was Nazis, Huns, Emperors, and more. We all lived in an enormous Super-Max prison straight out of Silent Hill. It was overcrowded, under funded, and the demons were clearly more afraid of us than we were of them. The thing was, of course, the guards didn't need to contain us all because they knew what I did.\n\n\"Well, the problem is, Adolf, that if we do take over then we're even more fucked,\"I pointed out the obvious. \"Stalin is LITERALLY listening right now.\"\n\n\"Fuck you!\"Stalin called over from his cell. \"I got better things to do than listen in on Hitler.\"\n\nMao, his cellmate, gave me the bird.\n\n\"The demons here are all fallen angels, gods, and uplifted spirits,\"I said, gesturing around. \"They don't give a crap about us but they can't be as nasty or hateful as any human. The worst stuff that's happened to me, to you, and to the others have all been at the hands of other prisoners. This block has the Nazis, communists, Italian fascists [who did a lot better here than up above], Imperial Japanese, Mongolians [the bad kind], Aztecs, and Qin Chinese.\"\n\nAdolf said, \"You're saying our problem is if we take over, we'll just be feuding with each other. Even more than we already are.\"\n\n\"Yes,\"I said, pausing. \"Mind you, I'm not saying that it's a bad idea, I'm just saying that we need to note that our enemies aren't just the guards.\"\n\n\"Damn Jewish demons,\"Hitler hissed.\n\nI slapped him.\n\n\"What the hell!\"Hitler said.\n\n\"Adolf, don't say that shit around me,\"I said. \"Remember, no Nazi likes you for getting them into this. I am the one guy who keeps you from being beaten up daily and I DON'T KNOW WHY.\"\n\nTruth be told, I had a way too soft a heart. Dude probably did deserve a curbstomping every day of his life but he'd been getting one since the forties. I'm not sure how much he'd learned from it but I was a believer good guys didn't resort to the tactics of the enemy. I also knew how to make friends, negotiate, and network down here--which I did because even in hell there was a demand for goods.\n\nEspecially in hell.\n\nIt also seemed other people like me had ended up in a different section of hell for \"Usurers.\"Which was actually a good thing since they were treated worse than the mass murderers.\n\nFood for thought.\n\n\"Some of the new Nazis still like me,\"Adolf said. \"I will say, though, my actions may have been mistaken.\"\n\n\"You think?\"I said, sighing. It was surprising how many delusional psychopaths changed their mind about their life plan when it ended them in an eternity of torment. Still, I needed to get out of here and I was ready to do things I hadn't been prepared to do while alive. \"Okay, I don't want to do this but I'm not a fan of Hell as a concept in the first place. So here is how we're going to solve both our problems.\"\n\nAll three dictators listened intently.\n\n\"Multi-level marketing,\"I said. \"Every soul gets to move up by trading in Soul points.\"\n\n\"What are soul points?\"Hitler asked.\n\n\"Only I know,\"I said, staring at them. \"But everyone can earn one for shanking a guard.\"\n\nAnd I had them." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"You may have one wish granted.\"\"I want all my debts cleared.\"\"How much do you owe?\"\"You misunderstand. My debts are not monetary.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"All your debts?\"\n\n\"Yes, all my debts.\"\n\nSatan looked the boy up and down. \"You're fourteen.\"\n\n\"My debts aren't financial.\"\n\n\"Nononono, I am *not* getting sucked into another unresolved truth or dare situation. I've learned my lesson with Caligula.\"\n\n\"It's nothing to do with truth or dare. Who's Caligula?\"\n\n\"This ancient dude who liked orgies.\"\n\n\"Who's Orgies?\"\n\n\"Orgies is not a person, it's –\"Satan stopped himself. \"What's the wish, kid?\"\n\nThe kid paced around the pentagram he had drawn in chalk, one hand clasping his wrist behind him like some sort \nof James Bond villain. \"I have… very particular debts. That I need paid. Debts with *Greg*.\"The name slipped out \nof his mouth like oil.\n\n\"Okay,\"Satan said. It wasn't ideal, but what the hell? The glory days of deals with the devil had died with Faust. These days he took what he could get. \"All right. Tell me what kind of debts these are.\"\n\n \n\nThey stepped out of the bedroom and a voice immediately reached them. \"Took you long enough!\"\n\nSatan stopped, but the boy kept going towards the living room, where four other boys his age sat around a \nwooden table. \n\n\"This is my friend the Devil.\"The kid said, with a wave back at Satan. \"He's here to pay my debts.\"\n\nSatan looked around the pimpled-ridden faces and half-filled Mountain Dew glasses on the table. He stepped \ncloser. \"What in the world –\"his eyes stopped on the Monopoly board. \"Oh.\"\n\nThe boy came back, took his hand and dragged him closer to the board. \"So… I'd like to pay for my stop in Park Place. In addition to that, I'll be adding hotels to Pennsylvania Ave *and* to North Carolina Ave. Also houses in all the red properties.\"\n\n\"Dude,\"Satan started, tired.\n\n\"You can't do that!\"The tallest of the other kids intervened.\n\n\"Yes I can, Greg,\"the kid replied, smiling. \"Now, please,\"he said, turning to Satan. \"I gave you my soul, didn't I? \nDo your job.\"\n\n\"Kid,\"Satan started, trying not to roll his eyes, \"do you really wanna waste your soul on a board game? I mean, I –\"He sighed. \"I can't stop you, but this is *really* stupid and you'll regret it. Hell is very unpleasant.\"\n\n\"Just do it!\"\n\n\"That's cheating!\"the kid called Greg bellowed, as Satan puffed his cheeks and snapped his fingers, producing a \nwad of fake Monopoly money out of thin air.\n\n\"There's nothing in the rules that says selling your soul to Satan is not allowed!\"the kid yelled back. \"I checked!\"\n\n\"Well, in that case,\"Greg replied, as Satan turned around to leave, \"I want to sell my soul too!\"\n\n\"Oh, for the love of God,\"Satan cried, stopping on his spot.\n\n\"I want all the companies! *And* for Jim to go to jail!\"\n\n\"Who's Jim?\"\n\nThe first kid looked up at Satan, hurt. \"Seriously, dude? I just sold you my soul.\"\n\n\"Oh. Right. Jim.\"\n\n\"Wait, wait, wait,\"a third kid added, getting up. \"I wanna get in on this deal too.\"\n\n\"For the love of God kids, stop selling your souls for fake properties! Hell sucks!\"\n\n\"No, no, it's nothing to do with the game.\"\n\nSatan paused. \"What do you want?\"\n\n\"Can you heat this for me?\"the kid said, raising a plate with a single slice of pepperoni pizza his way. \"The \nmicrowave is like all the way in the kitchen and --\"\n\n\"STOP MAKING FRIVOLOUS REQUESTS IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR SOULS!\"Satan bellowed. \"GOD DAMN IT!\"\n\n\"You know what?\"Greg said. \"I change my mind, let Jim win the stupid game. Make mine a pizza too. Meat lovers.\"\n\n\"I'M NOT SELLING PIZZAS, I'M HEATING THEM! Wait, what am i saying!?\"\n\n\"Hey, Sam, you didn't make your wish yet, ask him for the Ferrari.\"\n\nSatan paused. His eyes darted to the fourth kid, who had, up until then, not partaken in the discussion.\n\n*Could he finally have stumbled upon a decent wish-maker? Someone who would trade their soul for something \nworthy?*\n\n\"So… you want a Ferrari?\"Satan asked.\n\nThe kid nodded. \"Yes,\"he said, simply. \"Model F-40, black, vintage edition, two-thousand and two. I've wanted one for years.\"\n\n\"Okay… that I can arrange. Are you willing to trade your soul for it?\"\n\n\"I am.\"\n\nSatan smiled. Not a wasted trip to Earth after all. \n\nThe kid smiled in return. He pulled his phone. \"Hang on, let me see if they still have it.\"\n\nSatan frowned. \"What are you doing? I can get it for you even if they don't --\"\n\n\"I'm just checking the Hot Wheels website to see if they still have that model for sale.\"\n\n\"Oh fuck you all,\"Satan said, puffing fire out of his cheeks and setting the house on fire (which, to be fair, did heat \nthe pizza slice, so that was nice.)\n\n______\n\n*Thanks for reading! For more stories check out /r/psycho_alpaca =)*\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The zombie apocalypse is much different than you had imagined. Instead of moaning \"braaaaaiiinnnss\"and clumsily shambling along, your infected daughter is crying on the other side of your locked door, begging to be let in." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "They will try anything to get to you. They are relentless, but they are weak, so as long as you stay inside, shut all the windows, and wait for your drops, you’ll be fine.\n\nBut nothing prepares you for when they are actually there, banging on the door. You have to remind yourself that they are not actually there, that their survival instinct is simply making use of their memories to compromise you emotionally and unlock a door, so that they can get to you and revert to the bloodthirsty predators they are. But it is so hard.\n\n“Daddy, please! I’m so hungry,” my daughter wails. From looking through the keyhole, I know that she is slumped against the doorframe pathetically, her limbs askew.\n\nI have shot my son and my wife, but somehow, this is the hardest. My daughter was always so sweet, so independent and so thankful anytime anyone did anything for her. And now she is here, begging for the first time in her life. I think back to the day at the carnival, when she thought I was a superhero for somehow making the ball into the basket. I think of the day she scored her first basket in the last game of the season, and she ran over and hugged me while the game was still going on. I even think of the times she would scream at me in the later years, telling me I didn't understand, telling me I never had, and I would smile because she could never know how much I did.\n\n“I can’t. You have to know that,” I say, shaking.\n\n“It’s so cold. It’s so dark. I don’t know what to do, Daddy. I just want to come inside and be with you. I’m so scared.”\n\nI tell myself to stay strong, but my hands have gone slack on the shotgun. *She is not there*, I tell myself.\n\n“I’m so scared, Daddy. Why won’t you help me? What did I do wrong?” she wails. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”\n\nI close my eyes, trying to forget where I am. I have always been good at doing this, whenever things get to be too much, my boss breathing down my neck at the office, at the airport when everyone’s just heard that the flight was delayed again, at home with my wife screaming at me for not caring enough. I have always been able to forget, because I never did care about most things enough. But now, I can’t.\n\n“I’m sorry I always said no when you wanted to do something when I was older. I’m sorry I always came home late on weekends and lied to you. I’m sorry I said I didn’t want you at my graduation.” Her voice is thin, weak, scratchy. How can this not be real?\n\n“Please leave,” I say, desperate, knowing it won’t do anything. “Please. I love you so much. But I can’t let you come inside.”\n\n“Why!” she screams. “Why?”“I can’t. I just can’t.”\n\nNothing. This catches me off guard. All night, she has been clawing and banging and screaming and weeping, and now she is silent. I hear a single sniffle.\n\n“Is everything going to be okay, Daddy?” she finally asks. “Are we going to be okay?”\n\nThis is it, I realize. The moment when their instinct, their motor, finally runs out. The moment when they are most human, and thus most weak.\n\nI walk over to the door. My hand trembles on all the locks, and finally the doorknob. I open the door.\n\nFor a second, I accept destiny, if she is going to jump on me, tear out a chunk of my neck. But that does not happen.\n\nShe simply looks up, and her eyes are wide, blue, human. I see something in them, but I do not know what it is.\n\nBefore I can think about it and maybe figure it out, I raise the shotgun. She keeps looking into my eyes as I steady it.\n\nI fire. Everything goes black and red." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Write a story with more holes in its plot than Swiss cheese in a shooting gallery, then resolve all of those plot holes at the end with a single logical explanation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I poured myself a glass of tea. No, not a cup. A glass of iced tea. The sickly sweet beverage trickled in until the glass was half full (or half-empty, depending on your outlook on life). Parched, I raise it to my lips and take a sip. Nothing. It tastes like nothing. The glass is empty. My mouth is still dry. \n\nI pour another, keeping my eyes on the tea as it fills the glass. Pour this one to the point of overflowing. Lick the sides... and it's gone. Empty. Moments before my tongue touched it. \n\nBaffled, I give the gallon container a shake. Sloshing liquid. I turn it upside down, over my head, and get drenched. Streaks of brown liquid run down my hair, staining my trousers. Gross. I raise it to my mouth, tilt, and... nothing. I'm dry. The stains are gone. Still thirsty. \n\nI stomp the ground. I stomp on the container, smashing the plastic flat. It's then that I notice the brand of tea I've been drinking. I hold it up for the audience to see. The label reads \"Emp-tea\". \n\n\"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Magnificent Georgini!\"Thunderous applause. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "One day, time just suddenly stops for a short moment for you. At first, you tried to mess around, but after the 246th times it happened, you start to realise that your power is not stopping time, but being able to move in time frozen by another person in the world." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My sneakers tapped gently against the pavement as I walked briskly down the street. I squeezed my way through the peak-hour human traffic, catching whiffs of overly-strong perfume and worse, overly-strong body odor. I don’t like people much. I mean that in the nicest way possible. Two’s company, three’s a crowd, anything more than that is a nightmare. Trying to ignore the occasional sweaty body that rubbed too close against mine as I wormed through the crowd, I wished that everyone would just *stop moving*. \n\nAnd then, all of a sudden, they did. The sounds of shoes pattering against the pavement and car horns blaring as frustrated drivers crawled through stand-still traffic disappeared into thin air, as if they’d never been there. A perfect, fragile silence descended upon the world. Every single person, object and animal was frozen. The fat man in a shirt clearly too small for him had stopped, his pudgy leg stretched out mid-stride. A teenage girl with highlights in her hair swept aside her fringe with one hand, the other raised in mid-air in an attempt to adjust her earphones. A flock of pigeons hung artificially in the air, like some sort of elaborate piece of abstract art dangling from the ceiling of a museum. \n\nYet even as the world froze around me, I continued moving. In that heartbeat when everything else was locked in time, my left foot landed solidly on the ground, and unconsciously, my right foot had moved forwards, about to take another step. Then I stopped. Nothing compelled me to, not like *something* seemed to compel everything and everyone else to stop, no. I just stood there, in shock and awe. Had my ‘wish’ caused this to happen? What was going on? And yet, even as my thoughts became a jumbled mess, I couldn’t help but smile. Moving around was *so* much easier with everyone stopped in place. \n\nAs it turns out, no, I wasn’t the one who caused that to happen. Time abruptly resumed a short while later, as if nothing at all had transpired. By then, I was out of the crowd, tucked away in the corner of a quiet café. I only noticed when the barista started to move again, the sound of beans being crushed in a grinder giving me the shock of my life. \n\nThe freezes happened over and over again, at random intervals. They never lasted very long, but I definitely wasn’t the one doing it. In fact, as the phenomenon occurred more and more, I *knew* for sure that someone else was stopping time. There’s no good way to explain it, but I could *feel* their presence, somewhere, not too close, but not too far away. I didn’t know if they could sense me too, the way I could sense them, but I knew that they were out there. So far, I hadn’t seen anything or anyone else move during those freezes. \n\nIt may sound stupid now, but I was content to enjoy those little moments while they lasted. It usually wasn’t inconvenient, and it led to some really cool opportunities to prank my friends, or to escape from throngs of people in a busy mall. I knew that my ‘partner-in-crime’ was out there, but I had no desire to find them. In hindsight, that was a mistake. \n\nMy sneakers tapped gently against the pavement as I walked briskly against the street. It was a day much like the one when I had first experienced the peculiar sensation of being the only sentient person in a world of frozen time. Once again, I squeezed through the peak-hour human traffic. Once again, my senses were bombarded by a host of things I hated dealing with. And once again, not unlike many of the other times, I quietly wished that my time-stopping partner might decide to freeze time once more, to allow me to slip out from this nightmare. \n\nSurprisingly enough, time stopped. It wasn’t often that time stopped at a convenient juncture, so I took the opportunity to dash out of the sticky- literally- situation that I’d found myself enclosed in. And yet, as I took in a gulp of fresh air, something felt wrong. \n\nIt took me a moment to realize what it was. I was having trouble sensing the time-stopper. It wasn’t like the first time, when I just wasn’t aware of them, no. It was as if they were… fading away. Like the dying flame of a candle, about to wink out of existence. \n\nBelatedly, I wondered what’d happen to me if they vanished while the world was frozen. \n\nWe always think of the important things just a little too late. I felt that pulse from the time-stopper grow weaker and weaker, slowly dissipating like a fine dust floating into the atmosphere. I prayed that time would resume, that everything would go back to normal. \n\nAnd yet, that perfect, fragile silence remained intact. Every single person, object and animal was still frozen. The random passers-by were all stuck in time, locked in place, halfway through their last action before the world had decided to stop. A flock of crows hung artificially in the air, like some sort of elaborate piece of abstract art dangling from the ceiling of a museum.\n\nI screamed, my voice ricocheting and echoing off the tall buildings that surrounded me. \n\nBut no response came. \n\n*****\n \n*more stories at /r/chasing_mist*\n\n*I write a story a day [here](http://yearofpilgrimage.wordpress.com)*\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Out of sheer boredom, God decides that us humans must speak the brutal and honest truth no matter the consequences. The absolute excrement hits the metaphorical fan for twenty four hours straight." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Only in a society built on dishonesty can something as pure as truth wreak havoc. The effect was instant, like a tsunami crashing over shoreside buildings, sweeping away all perceived notions of ourselves and the world.\n\nSome effects were obvious, and true chaos. These were instances where the truth was buried, covered, masked by falsity. \n\n>\"You're the worst boss I've had in my life, and I quit.\"\n\n>\"I haven't loved you in years.\"\n\n>\"I've been your congressman for half my life, and I think you're all a bunch of cow-licking lily-brained morons.\"\n\n>\"Yes, I work with Russia. And I love piss.\"\n\nThese are things anyone would guess to happen if honesty were forced upon us. Blatant lies, secrets, dark whispers, the hideousness in shadows glare most obviously under new light. Countries nearly entered war, some skirmishes breaking out, people killed each other at an alarming rate as so many tensions *snapped* without anyone trying to save face.\n\nThere was another, lesser effect that is still somewhat obvious. Like the dirty truths hidden behind lies, there are also pleasant truths that we tuck away out of fear and anxiety.\n\n>\"I've loved you my whole life, and think about you every day.\"\n\n>\"I know we disagree, but I actually think very highly of you. I just can't admit it because I'd lose face with my voters.\"\n\n>\"I bully you because I'm insecure with my own shortcomings.\"\n\nThese had a mixed impact, forging new bonds or mending broken ones, though sometimes ruining friendships or other more nuanced agreements in place. Chaos, but of a neutral kind. \n\nThe third type is by far the most subtle. This was not chaos as we'd expect it, because chaos tends to be associated with malevolence. But sometimes chaos is when your life is twisted all around, and you're flipped upside down and shaken out, and things you've hidden in your pockets or stuffed into your shirt come falling into view. Things you shouldn't be hiding.\n\n>\"I know I have some skills. I'm not useless, and I can prove it.\"\n\n>\"I'm actually rather pretty. I should eat more, because I'm not fat. I'm perfect the way I am.\"\n\n>\"Hi, Mom? I need help. I'm struggling a lot, and it's getting scary. I can't deal with it alone.\"\n\nThis was the most unexpected chaos, where we were forced to suddenly overcome the lies we tell ourselves. The others were lost in the days that followed, drowned out by questions of what happened to the world and how to work through the implications, but this third truth, the tertiary chaos... it cemented itself in the hearts of those who needed it most. \n\nSomewhere hidden in the heavens, God smiled, or his equivalent of it. *Everyone needs a little push, now and again.*\n\n------\n\n*thanks for all the kind words, everyone :) if you enjoyed the story, I have many more and some novels in the works over at /r/resonatingfury!*" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Wikipedia is shut down and all copies deleted for lack of funds and loss of net neutrality. This is the founder's \"I warned you, jerks\"notification." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Wikipedia Readers: We’ll get right to it. We’ve never asked for much, maybe a few dollars here and there—to be honest, we've averaged maybe $15 in donations. That’s it. Did you know that 99% of other charities average $15,000 *per day*? Probably not, because we made that statistic up. Do you know why we made it up? We’re pretty sure you know why we made that up. \n\nWe want to make it abundantly clear that we at Wikipedia tried our best to keep our website a non-profit. For over a decade, we’ve run and maintained the largest free encyclopedia in existence, never once portraying so much as a single advertisement on any of our millions of pages. Do you remember the days of Encyclopedia Britannica, where you’d need to hire several burly, Swedish bodybuilders to lug half the compilation to your Psychology 101 class, just so that you could understand who the hell Sigmund Freud was? Probably not, because that was almost a hundred years ago. Is that date completely and utterly made up? Absolutely, but you know why. However, if for some reason you haven’t caught on yet, keep reading.\n\nHere at Wikipedia, we, the editors, made our requests simple and clear: we just needed $3 from some of our visitors once every few years. That’s it. Three dollars. With that, we could’ve kept running for decades. Yet a total of fourteen of you donated this year, giving us a result of $74.32 raised (and to the jerk who sent 32 cents, thanks for costing us money to receive your donation). Do you know how much you spend on Starbucks every week? $27. You spend twenty-seven dollars on Starbucks. Every. Single. Week. Is that statistic made up? Yes. Do you know why it’s made up? We’re positive you do.\n\nAs many of you are aware, Net Neutrality was struck down this year, resulting in heavily increased costs for Wikipedia to maintain its servers and remain equally accessible to all Internet Service Providers. As such, we at Wikipedia were met with a difficult choice: either we could put a few banner advertisements on the website, which would net us millions—if not billions—of dollars, but sacrifice our integrity and the reliability of our content; or we could depend on you, our trusted, loyal visitors, to donate less than a tenth of your weekly paycheck. As we had such blind faith in our beloved users, we decided to decline all advertisement offers and move forward with our previous plan of funding: donations. After all, we’ve always survived on the measly funds gained by you, our greedy, selfish users. \n\nIn order to continue functioning as a company, we at Wikipedia, a non-profit library of endless information, needed to raise a total of $3,000,000. We raised $74.32. Seventy-four thirty-two. The average 14 year old child makes twice that in a single day of basketball. Is that fact actually a completely made up statement? It absolutely, positively is. Yet here’s the issue: due to the fact that none of you donated more than what a hypothetical, athletic child earns, Wikipedia has officially closed its doors as a non-profit as of December 10th, 2014. You can no longer trust statistics that were once reliably provided by us through our pages. That’s right, we’re done, out, closed. It’s over.\n\n“But Wikipedia, I’m on your site right now. I’m reading this notice on your website this very moment.” Great observation, Captain. You are a very astute learner. You are most certainly on Wikipedia right now. Yet you might notice something a bit strange about it. For example, have you taken note of the fact that every single page now incorporates references to Comcast and their excellent products, and those that don’t simply redirect to Comcast’s Wikipedia page (heavily edited by their glorious lawyers)? Why don’t you go ahead and search the word “Cats.” Do it, we’ll wait. \n\nHave you searched it yet? Great. Did you know that the average feline prefers Comcast’s XFINITY^® to Verizon? Of course they do, it’s just a better product all around—Wikipedia clearly explains that. How about the fact that the most common cat in the United States is the XFINITY Triple Play™? “That doesn’t make any sense” you say? Well, according to Wikipedia-Comcast^® it most certainly does. \n\nWe here at Wikipedia-Comcast^® are proud to announce our long-awaited merger with Comcast, allowing us to become a publicly traded company and fully incorporate their great line of products and services into any and all encyclopedia entries. Reading a great excerpt on Shakespeare’s beloved tragedy *Romeo and Juliet*? You may just be lucky enough to find a fantastic coupon to save 10% on your already low monthly Comcast bill. Checking out the results from the 1972 World Series? Whoa—a free month of HBO on Comcast’s renowned television services! Of course, this also means that all Wikipedia pages are no longer editable. Our lawyers also want us to mention that all Wikipedia pages have been stripped of citations that have not approved by Comcast and that all entries should no longer be taken as fact, although they certainly will be chock-full of money saving offers from Comcast. \n\nWikipedia-Comcast^® would like to thank you for the decades of experiences you, our loyal, devoted fans, have granted us. For more than half of our average user’s life, we have stood by you, supported you through your education, allowed you to plagiarize your way through college and beyond. We are eternally grateful for the opportunity to have assisted you, and would like to conclude our farewell on a very simple, basic note. For a limited time, sign up for Comcast’s XFINITY Triple Play™ using the code “Wikipedia” to automatically be updated to the “HD Preferred” package, a $199/month value for just $189/month. \n\n______________________\n\n^If ^you ^enjoy ^my ^writing ^style, ^feel ^free ^to ^check ^out ^some ^of ^my ^other ^short ^stories [^in ^my ^brand-spanking-new ^subreddit](http://www.reddit.com/r/ChokingVictimWrites/) ^or [^on ^my ^website!](http://wordsontheinternet.org/)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You are a Serial Killer who follows a special math equation to determine who your next victim should be. Your latest victim points out a flaw in how you solve the equation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The equation was right, rather, it was just. From a mixture of variables, powers, integrals, iterated logarithms, confluent hypergeometric sequences, and recursive Ackermann functions, it would output justice itself. A single name targeted for divine retribution. But there was no God, only Jackson Emerson and he took it on himself not to waste the equation.\n\nThe new output was spelled out in binary--Aaron Cofferman. And so without question and without hesitation, Jackson Emerson travelled across the country to Aaron Cofferman’s house and pick locked the front door.\n\nThe door creaked open, revealing a worn leather couch alit with only the blue light of a TV screen. Aaron sat on the couch in a hooded sweatshirt absolutely still.\n\n“Hello,” Aaron said, not bother to turn away from the screen. “I was wondering when you would show up.”\n\nJackson crunched his brow, but stayed silent. He tiptoed through glossed hardwood, ziptie already looped in the diameter of Aaron’s head.\n\n“I thought I was the only one,” Aaron continued, his voice almost metallic. “I thought that nobody else had solved the equation. And then I saw the news--a serial killer going around the country seemingly at random. But both of us know that there’s nothing random about the equation.”\n\nAt last, Jackson arrived within arm’s reach of Aaron. In a single motion, he looped the zip tie over Aaron’s neck and pulled. Aaron didn’t struggle, in fact, his head fell off revealing the hooded figure to be only a mannequin with a radio.\n\n“Let me ask you something, Jackson Emerson.” This time, the voice resounded throughout the house, from every wall and every corner. “Why do you follow the equation? Is it because it whispers names of the damned? Rapists. Murderers. Pedophiles. Predators. All of them despicable people targeted for divine punishment. Right?”\n\n“I check every one,” Jackson said, breaking his silence. “The equation has never been wrong.”\n\n“Of course, because the equation is always right. But you have not been.”\n\nThe TV flickered and a whiteboard appeared on it, lit by a single lightbulb and hung off cracked cement walls more stained than the teeth of a lifelong smoker. It outlined the equation, broke it down into its separate parts and identified all its variables.\n\n“Like you, I am also a man of faith,” Aaron said. “I have faith in you. Which is why I won’t hide.”\n\nFootsteps sounded from the kitchen and Jackson twisted toward it. A gleaming smile materialized from the shadows and then a man soon followed.\n\n“I have faith that you, when the time comes, will do the *correct* thing,” Aaron said. “Let me start with the three assumptions you have gotten correct. First, this is my house and it was my name that showed up in your equation. Second, the equation is most certainly divine and right.”\n\nJackson’s eyes flickered from one dark corner to the next, wondering what trick Aaron had up his sleeves. This was the first time anyone had challenged him so openly. “If you’re also a man of faith,” Jackson said, his toes dug in and legs coiled. “You should’ve killed yourself by now.”\n\n“That is correct!” Aaron exclaimed, giving Jackson a small clap. “Now, if you look at the TV, you’ll realize why I haven’t yet.”\n\nJackson flicked his eyes to the TV and then back at Aaron who only chuckled. With a small sigh, he walked into the living room and took a seat by the television, his smug smile still spread across his cheeks. He raised his brow at Jackson as if to say *better?*\n\nJackson had planned on keeping an eye on Aaron, but he found himself drawn into the TV screen. The equation had been analyzed to a degree even more stringent than his own. And in that analysis, there was a difference. Slight, but it changed everything.\n\n“Do you finally get it?” Aaron asked.\n\n“This can’t be right,” Jackson muttered, re-doing all his past calculations. Not a single person he had killed was mentioned in the equation.\n\n“But it is! I know it is because we’ve been doing the same job. I simply solved the equation correctly. And that brings me to the third assumption you got correct--I am most definitely due for divine retribution, because I have been solving the equation correctly.”\n\n“Today’s output…” Jackson could barely push the words out of his throat.\n\nAaron simply nodded. Somehow it was possible that his smile stretched even further. “Jackson Emerson.”\n\nJackson’s breath caught. The zip tie fell from his hands as his trembling knees finally gave. “Why?”\n\nAaron shrugged. “I’m a man of faith. I’m not one to question the divine. But perhaps rightness isn’t the same as goodness. Maybe your faith has been for the good of mankind, but not right for it”--he shrugged as he stepped up to Jackson--”I don’t know. Don’t really care either. I just enjoy killing people.”\n\nJackson couldn’t tear his eyes off the TV screen. All he could do was re-calculate the equation over and over again, begging for a single person that he had killed to come up in the correct equation. He calculated all the way until the zip tie went around his neck.\n\n---\n\n---\n\n/r/jraywang for 200+ stories!\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You are a time traveler entering a medieval tournament in which the winner gains the right to wed the princess. You're the first match and the king announces that you may use any weapon. Quickly you draw you're glock and shout \"parry this you fucking casual\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "How hard can it be, taking a gun to a knife fight? I mean, they're swords, but swords are just really big knives, so the sentiment holds true. The princess, so fair under the spring sun, eagerly watched on. We shared a glance, a smile, before my theatrics began.\n\n\"I will show you all the power of my magic,\"I said, the robed man across from me lurking beneath his hood. We stayed face to face, slowly rotating in a circle. \"Watch as I kill this man without even moving.\"\n\nI pulled the trigger on a gun tucked into my loose sleeve. It tore a hole in it, and the sound jolted the crowd. It was clear that my words were no bluff.\n\nNot that it mattered.\n\nWhere the bullet should have hit him, a little pond of blue rippled, like a stone dropped into water. Slowly, he drew back his hood.\n\nI hadn't aged very well, but it was no doubt *me*. Wrinkled, scarred, and fucking miserable eyes like overcooked eggs. He shook his head at me.\n\n\"Sorry, kiddo.\"Something around his wrist glowed red, whirring, humming.\n\n\"No, wait! Why? What the fuck are you doing here, killling me? I mean, you?\"\n\n\"She's fucking crazy, kid. Like, absolute batshit bonkers. Time is stupid. If I let you beat me, you get stuck with her and turn into me. But if I kill you, then both our sufferings end.\"He raised his arm at me.\n\n\"Wait, just fucking *wait*.\"\n\nHe rolled his eyes, wrist lowering a bit. \"What?\"\n\n\"Well, I have a gun, and you have some crazy ass lasers and shit.\"\n\n\"And?\"\n\nI raised my arm and painted the royal banner with princess brains. The crowd was not exactly pleased, and the king was screaming something I didn't recognize.\n\n\"Huh. Why didn't I think of that?\"old me asked.\n\nI looked at myself and smiled. \"You did.\"\n\n*/r/resonatingfury*" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Your entire life, you've been told you're deathly allergic to bees. You've always had people protecting you from them, be it your mother or a hired hand. Today, one slips through and lands on your shoulder. You hear a tiny voice say \"Your Majesty, what are your orders?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"What? Who said that?\", I asked, startled. \n\n\n\"It izz me, Buzzter, your humble servant, sire! Might I take this opportunity to say that it is such an honor to speak with you directly!\"said the annoying voice.\n\n\nThat's when I noticed that the source of the strange voice was a bee, right there on my shoulder. As someone who has been told to stay away from bees all my life, for ungodly things would happen if I so much as touch one, I was scared half to death. \n\n\n\"Aaaah! Get off me, get off me!\"\n\n\n\"Fear not, my king! I mean you no harm!\", said Buzzter as he got off me and spoke hovering from a distance. I took a moment to collect myself and, since I thought a speaking insect was pretty cool, allowed the bee to have its say.\n\n\n\"It seems you have been deceived and brainwashed like we suspected.\"\n\n\n\"Huh?\"\n\n\n\"There isn't much time; they'll be here any second.\", he said, and then proceeded to sting me. \n\n\n\"No no no no, don't! Please!\", I yelled, but he had already stung me. I feared the worst, but it caused no pain, and healed within seconds. I have seen quite a few people in immense pain after being stung, so this took me completely by surprise. I looked at Buzzter the bee in astonishment. Before buzzing away, he said: \"If I have gained your trust, come to the bee hive on the third tree in the park two blocks from your home, and come alone. Just say 'I seek my minions' out loud to seek us out. The fate of all bees relies upon your actions, my king!\"\n\n\nJust a second later, my mother opened the door to my room. \"What's wrong, son? I heard shouting.\"\n\n\n\"Nothing, mom\"I replied, \"Rashford missed another shot at goal!\". \n\n\n\"Huh, you and your football!\"she said as she left and closed the door.\n\n\nI couldn't sleep that night, and my curiosity got the better of me, so I sneaked out and I made my way to the park. There was, indeed, a bee hive on the third tree from the park entrance, but lighting was dim and I doubted if I would be able to see the bees even if they did come. I said out loud: \"I seek my minions!\"\n\n\nImmediately, five matchsticks floating in the air lit up. I realized they were not floating, but were being held up by bees, like torches. Then I recognized Buzzter. \"Your Majesty, so good you came!\".\n\n\n\"Umm... yeah... the thing is... I really don't know what...\"\n\n\n\"I apologize deeply for interrupting you, your Majesty, but it appears you have been made to believe that you are allergic to us. Is that correct?\"\n\n\n\"Yeah.\"\n\n\n\"Those treacherous fiends! They have deceived everyone!\"\n\n\n\"Who are we talking about here?\"\n\n\n\"My apologies! I will let our great storyteller/narrator bee, Morgan Beeman, to tell you the great story of the bees!\"\n\n\n\"Greetings, your Majesty\"said Morgan Beeman, and started with the story...\n\n\n\"Long ago, all species of bees lived in harmony in their respective ecosystems, and produced honey in peace. The biggest nuisance was the occasional bear who would attack for honey, but the hive would be rebuilt and harmony restored. However, beedom would encounter an enormous threat to its well being - the threat of humans! The humans, inherently greedy mammals who claim supremacy on this planet even though our absence would set in motion events that would lead to their doom in a short span of time, are greedy bastards. Their greed for honey lead them to steal from us on a massive scale, causing irreparable destruction and death and figure out ways to capture and enslave our beeple in concentration camps to produce honey for their wants! But there was a ray of hope for us, in the form of a prophecy! The prophecy foretold: 'The human who is not affected by the bee's sting will be the liberator of beedom!' And so we started to sting human children, and then finally found you, when you were stung as a child!\"\n\n\n\"But... my parents told my I had a severe allergic reaction... I was too young to remember so I had to believe them.\"\n\n\n\"Your parents cut a deal with the evil ones.\"said Morgan Beeman. \"The ones who profit from the enslavement of our beeple! The honey industry! Your parents accepted a vast sum of money for their involvement in keeping you from us! Money that they have reserved for your college education. With one command, you can stop every bee on Earth from working to produce honey. The honey industry knows this, which is why they have gone to extreme lengths to deny us contact. To deny you your birthright to be the king of all beeple and beedom as a whole! We are merely your servants, your Majesty, and hope that you will do what is best for us. Your word is our law... your will, our destiny...\"\n\nMoved by the bees' plight, and by Morgan Beeman's incredible narration and storytelling, I take a deep breath, and say:\n\n\n\n\"Let's take these honey industry bastards on!\"\n\n\n\n\n\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You’re the god of small luck, you make the bus late, make pennies appear. You receive a prayer from a homeless man, “Please, I want to get on my feet. A stable job, a wife, some kids.” Normally, you’d forward his prayer to the god of success. Now, you decide to take on the case yourself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The disheveled derelict of humanity was just sitting under the bridge, shivering as the autumn winds were quickly turning toward winter’s bite. It was sheer luck and happenstance that I even happened to notice the poor man, as he was pushed up between two bushes to avoid notice from passerby above. It looked like he’d lived here for quite a while, so it was lucky I’d happened upon him.\n\nOf course, luck plays quite a large part of my existence. I am, after all, a minor deity. Specifically, if you want exact details, I am the God of Incidental Luck. I’m the one you thank when you find that quarter you needed for the meter, just as the meter guy walks up. I’m the one you praise when an unexpected fumble brings the game into overtime, giving your team one more chance to prove themselves.\n\nMind you, I don’t handle the big stuff. Lottery winnings, surviving an accident unscathed by the skin of your teeth, things of that nature? Yeah, not my department. Mine is the smaller things in life, the ones most people don’t notice unless they’re paying attention.\n\nAnd I prefer it that way. Stay out of the limelight, and just do my job. That’s me.\n\nI absently granted the minor wish of the man who’d thrown the coin into the river as I studied the homeless man before me. The man on the bridge had wished for a promotion, which I couldn’t do, but I COULD arrange so that he’d wind up in the same elevator as his supervisor when it was slated to have a mechanical failure and get stuck for a few hours. What he did of that time would be up to him, not me – but something about this wreck in the bushes intrigued me for some reason.\n\nOnce the wish was complete, I meandered over to the man and inspected him closer. As I thought, he’d been under this bridge for a while; cans of food, leftover coffee cups, and other assorted knick-knacks scattered around left little doubt that this particular corner of the world was occupied. He couldn’t see me, of course, but I could see everything about him as I peered into his soul.\n\nWhat I found gave me pause. I saw a life unfold before me; he’d been born into a normal family and had joined the military soon after graduation. I watched as this childhood innocence turned darker as war approached. A choice was made, one after another, and in order to live, he was forced to kill. I watched as he was wounded and sent home, where he was expected to return to normal and forget everything he’d experienced.\n\nBut, of course, he’d been unable to forget. He’d turned to drink, then to drugs, until his life was ruined and he fled into the streets to not have to face either himself or his parents any further. I watched his life on the run, corner to corner, begging for the least scrap of humanity to survive just one day at a time.\n\nThe man couldn’t see me as I processed what I saw in his soul, of course. I looked around, my eyes falling on the thin piece of cardboard he’d been holding for a week on his corner. All it said was, “Please.”\n\nPlease.\n\nThe word echoed in my mind as I watched him curl up into a fetal position and attempt to sleep. Please. Well, my friend, this may not be quite the help you’re expecting, but your prayer has reached someone who can help.\n\n“Let’s see what happens now, shall we?” I muttered to myself as I started weaving my threads…\n\n\\* \\* \\*\n\nThe following day, the man went to the corner, the same as he did every day. However, there was something slightly different that morning. A woman was standing at the bus stop nearby, idly surfing on her phone as she waited for the bus to arrive.\n\nThe city, being a den of villainy as it had the potential to be, flared in response and a young man snatched the phone out of her hand. As she screamed for help, the young man fled in the direction of the homeless man, expecting no resistance.\n\nAnd on a normal day, there would have been none. This was a fact of life in the city. But, for whatever reason, today this man chose to not just be part of the background. His training from his prior life flared within him, and quickly and expediently, he brought the youthful criminal to the ground. With the youth pinned underneath him, the police were called and all was well.\n\nThis, again, could have been the end of it. A small-time hero, a quick blurb on the news, and then forgotten by the world again. But the woman’s father owned a few businesses around the city, and the offer was made. Someone willing to stand up and protect a complete stranger like his daughter deserved a chance, right?\n\nHe could have turned it down. But he did not. He allowed the man to put him into the rehab center to get clean first, then he allowed the man to start molding him gently back into the real world. It took time, but eventually the homeless man - No, I’m sorry. But eventually Greg, as that was his name, slowly began to change.\n\nThe nightmares finally started to ease. With each passing day, with each correct choice he made, he found himself one step closer to healing. There were a few days he regressed; it was a long road, after all, and it is impossible to avoid every pothole. But with each regression, he persevered and managed to pull himself back up, one bootstrap at a time.\n\nA couple of years after I’d found him under the bridge, he nervously asked the girl he’d helped on the first date he’d been on in a decade. She accepted, and after another year, I smiled from my position in the eaves of the church as he waited with bated breath for his bride to walk down to the altar.\n\nHis wish had come true, and all I’d done was gently push him in the right direction. In each time, his unknowing wish could have turned sour – one wrong choice and I’d have had to abandon my “pet project.” But every time, almost without fail, he’d made the choice to go forward with his humanity instead of regressing to the wretch I’d found under that bridge that night.\n\nI hopped down from the eaves, landing gently before the man as he went to kiss his bride. A job well done, I thought. One last gift…\n\nI walked to the section with gifts for the happy couple and placed my gift among them. Whether he wore the lucky charm I’d given him or not was, as always, completely up to him.\n\nBut I felt pretty certain he’d wear it. Whistling idly, I left Greg and his wife behind as I strolled off into the afternoon sun.\n\nIt was going to be a good day.\n\n​\n\nEdit: 0\\_0 Thank you, everyone, for the fantastic words and awards!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": ": Children are named by the traits they are fated to have - Brave, Serene, Deeply Caring, Unmoved - and of course your lovely daughter, Bites People." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mistress Gentle led the way down the hall. Our footsteps pattered on the linoleum; I was shocked at how *quiet* it was in here. I would have expected an orphanage to be full of the usual noises of children: laughing, crying, screaming, etc. \n\n“And you’re sure you want to adopt, Mr…” Mistress Gentle gulped before saying my name; people often did. “Mr… uh… Stabs People?” Her eyes darted back down to the background check that I’d had to pass before being allowed to adopt a child. How many times was this that she’d read it over just to make sure? It of course mentioned all the trouble I’d been in as a youngster, and how many people I’d stabbed. But that was all in the past, and according to the form I was now an upright citizen. Not that anyone believed that, with my name. “It’s not for everyone, you know.”\n\n“I’m quite sure,” I told her as we walked. “I’ve always wanted kids.” Unfortunately it turns out that finding a stable life partner is a bit of a challenge when you’re named ‘Stabs People.’\n\n“I see.” Mistress Gentle tried to smile at me, but it just looked like she was seasick. The idea of letting Mr. Stabs People walk away with a child from her orphanage would keep her up at night for weeks despite the reassurances from the state that I am completely rehabilitated. Some people have this idea that you can *never* change your name trait. I don't believe that at all, but Mistress Gentle clearly did.\n\nWe arrived at a door marked “Dormitory C” at the end of the hall. “I’m sure we’ll be able to find a suitable match for you here,” she said. The door clicked open, revealing a few rows of bunk beds. Inside, children were reading, playing games quietly, etc. They all looked up like exhibits at the zoo as Ms. Gentle and I strolled through the room. \n\n“This here is Stubborn,” she said, introducing a boy with curly brown hair. “And this here is Trust Issues,” she waved at a young girl with dark skin and green eyes. That one was certainly a self-fulfilling prophecy. She continued around the room, introducing children with various inconvenient name traits. Adoptive parents only wanted Ms. Smells Like A Rose; it was no wonder that these poor kids had all been left behind. \n\nIn the corner, I noticed a huddled mass under a zebra-striped blanket. “And who is this?” I asked as I gently lifted the blanket.\n\n“Oh, careful!” Mistress Gentle shouted just as a pair of teeth lunged for my hand from under the blanket. I was just barely able to avoid being bitten by the little girl hiding underneath. She promptly pulled the blankets back over her face and continued hiding in her corner. “That,” Mistress Gentle said, “Is Bites People. She… well…” The name made it pretty clear. I also noticed that Bites People’s bunk mate had a circular bruise on her forearm.\n\nI remained crouched near the little girl, no older than three or possibly four. “Bites People,” I said, gently pulling the blanket away. “I’m Stabs People.” She didn’t recoil in fear like every other person I’ve ever met. I can't even tell you how much that meant to me. Instead, she just bared her teeth. So I offered her my arm. “Go ahead,” I told her. “You can bite me if you really want to.” \n\nShe glanced at my arm, then back at me. Her lips quivered a bit and then fell back into place over her teeth and formed a fearful frown. \n\n“Good job, Bites People!” Mistress Gentle enthused. “Your training is really working!” *Training*, I thought. *Like a dog.*\n\n“Bites People, would you like to come stay with me for a while?” I asked. “It would just be temporary to see if things would work out between us.”\n\nMistress Gentle took a step back. “This one?” She didn’t even bother hiding the incredulity in her voice. *Should have been Mistress Judgmental,* I thought to myself. \n\nI picked up Bites People in my arms. Poor thing was shaking. But she didn’t try to bite me; she just hugged my shoulder close and whimpered softly. “Yes, this one,” I told her. \n\n-----\n\n“RRRROOOOOWWWRRRRR!!!!” I formed my hands into claws, held my elbows close to my chest, and became a T-Rex. Bites People squealed with fear and delight and went running off through the house as I stomped after her. She pattered through the kitchen and around the dining table; I followed with loud, heavy steps that echoed down the hall. Finally I caught up to her and scooped her up in my arms, vowing to eat her for dinner. She giggled, and just for a moment I reflected on how completely different she was after only 2 months at home. \n\n“Dino Movie?” I asked her. She nodded and squirmed in my arms as I carried her to the couch.\n\nI flicked on the TV and once again pulled up her favorite movie: the Land Before Time II. We’d already watched it a few dozen times in the two months since her adoption, and she already had all the lines memorized. But I didn’t mind; after all that time in the orphanage, she deserved to have her choice for a while.\n\nThe movie came on, and Bites People watched with rapt attention, particularly any time Chomper was on screen. He was her favorite character: a ‘Sharptooth’ who had overcome his predatory instincts and made friends with all the herbivores. She cuddled up close to me on the couch as theme music played.\n\nShe was so engrossed in the film that she didn’t even notice her little tic: she was softly biting on my arm. Kind of in the absent-minded way that other kids would suck on their own thumb. And gently, of course: the way that a cat will nibble at a blanket while it kneads. Just a little love bite. \n\n----\n\nI just published a novel! [You should read all about it here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/5dkh21/ot_2_years_ago_i_responded_to_a_prompt_about_the/)\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Our blood is naturally clear, it thickens and darkens with each impure act. You have always dedicate yourself to good and helping others but today while knitting beanies for the homeless you accidentally prick your finger. Your blood is jet black and so thick it doesn't even drip." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Whenever I wake up in the morning, I always make sure to stretch my hands and let out a big, bright smile. After all, it is a new day to look forward to. And that means looking forward to more charitable work and acts of kindness; to better the community around us, don't you think? I think so. So does the rest of the city. And of course, the newspaper clippings hanging on my wall confirm just that.\n\n**Jane Goldenheart Organizes City-Wide Event To Feed Homeless**\n\n**Local Woman From Belleview County Writes Veterans 2,000 Letters**\n\n**22-Year Old Social Worker Buys 100 Coffees For Homeless Shelters**\n\n\"Ah, such bliss...\"I said as I danced around in the white-walled bedroom, jumping from article to article that covers every act I did to give back to the community. \"To know what impact you're making,\"I thought to myself as I stretched my back one last time.\n\n\"It really motivates me every day.\"\n\nI promptly exited my bedroom and quickly went about my morning routine. Brushing my teeth, having a warm shower, and a good breakfast really can go by quickly when your mind is dead set on the activities of the day. As I waited for my toast to pop up, I whipped out my phone and pulled up my calendar to see what I have scheduled for today.\n\n\"So I guess after I pay Mrs. Grimly a visit, I'll have my soup kitchen session up at Sunshine Street.\"I muttered softly as I sipped my coffee; the strong aroma making sure I can digest all the information for the day. \"Leave early to hardware. Get 20 lattés for knitting session. Lock door before exiting. Buy chocolates for Jordan.\"Her sticky notes may be messy and all over the place, but that's the system of kind soul Jane Goldenheart.\n\n\"Alrighty!\"I said as I put the dishes into the dishwasher and grabbed my new backpack. It was a gift from the charity organization I volunteered at on Sundays to acknowledge exceeding our fundraiser goals. I smiled at the shiny new pink decals I put up as I locked the door and promptly walked out the front door, making sure to lock that too. Greeted by the morning sun, I looked up and gave it a great big smile,\n\n\"Today's gonna be a new day.\"I thought as my heart fluttered a little bit.\n\nBustling and busy as she may be, Jane Goldenheart always stays true to her name. Every person in the town knows me, and likewise, so do I! From the oldest of grandmothers to the shyest of panhandlers, nobody was a stranger to me in this here town. As I walk down the street, I wave to every passerby. \"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Todd, fine day today for Timmy to play at the park! Why hello, Margaret. I hope you remembered to water your flowers. Little Caroline, here's a gumdrop for you.\"Most of them responded to me with smiles and laughter.\n\n\"I know what you did, witch.\"\n\nThe hoarse croak came from the alleyway. Turning to her left, I saw her: Vera Truclam. Even though she was covered in black rags and soot, I always do my best to give her a smile and a cordial hello. But of course, she would only spit at me and shoo me away.\n\n\"Why hello, Ms. Truclam!\"I said nervously as I scratched the back of my head. \"A fine morning to y-\"\n\n\"Oh can it Blackheart!\"She replied roughly as she shuffled her makeshift blanket around on the dirty alley road. \"Don't try to get me under your façade too, witch.\"She gave me an evil glare that made me uncomfortable.\n\n\"Well it was nice talking to you!\"I said as I tried to wrap things up quickly, extending out my hand to her. But of course, she only slapped me and waved her black cloth at me to shoo me away. I didn't look back when I walked away. \"She was always like that ever since her little Wally disappeared,\"I thought to myself as I frowned, \"But I hope she feels better!\"I exclaimed to cheer myself up. Can't go around with a sad-looking day when my job is to brighten it!\n\nAs I went through the day, I worked really hard in all my duties; always giving it a 110%. And the results always show! Mrs. Grimly smiled and gave me a rose. The kids at the daycare all waved at me and called me \"pretty Ms. Sunshine.\"Lolly was grateful and offered me a discount on my next visit to the confectionary store. It was a wonderful day, and it was only going to get even better.\n\n\"You know you don't have to do this, Jane.\"My best friend Lily said as she smiled at me; her fingers meticulously working on a smaller beanie. \"I know how busy you are and how tired you must be.\"The other some 6 women nodded in agreement.\n\n\"Oh, but this is my first time knitting for the St. Mary's Children's Choir!\"I refuted with a cheeky grin. \"Not even that. It's my first time knitting altogether, so I think it's a good place to start.\"I comically giggled as I held up my tangled needles and thread. The other women just laughed as Lily helped me out.\n\n\"Ok, so just insert it here...ooh not too fast!\"Lily instructed me as she pointed and prodded at the needles. \"Put this under here, not there! Ok Jane just make sure it enters that loop. Oh! Crap!\"\n\nLily had accidentally pushed on my elbow, causing the right needle to prick my left finger. My brain didn't hesitate what to do. Like clockwork, I immediately overreacted and clutched my entire left hand; tears springing into my eyes. Lily just gasped as she stood up.\n\n\"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry Jane! Here let me look!\"She exclaimed as the other women scrambled for tissues or bandages.\n\n\"NO!\"I said with a panicked tone. \"I'm fine!\"I assured them as I stood up quickly and scanned the room for my bag. \"It's just some blood, no biggie.\"I smiled forcefully; my nervous hand putting pressure on the wound. It felt oozy.\n\n\"At least let me drive you home...\"Lily offered as the women, now armed with the pure white tissues, tried to find drips of the blood on the hardwood floor. Nervous, I made sure to inspect each and every one of them with my eyes so nobody notices what is happening.\n\n\"Clear blood must be nice...\"One of them said as she tried to feel around the location where my blood should have dripped. \"I can't even see it!\"Another one exclaimed. \"But that's expected of our Jane.\"\n\n\"Ok well, it's sad but it's just an accident.\"I strained a smile as I started to back into the door. \"Thank you everyone and I hope to finish these beanies before next Sunday. Have a good evening ladies. \"I slammed the door open and practically ran back; ignoring the calls of \"Jane wait!\"and \"Are you sure dear?\"\n\n\"This can't be happening.\"I huffed and puffed as I looked down at my right hand cupping my left, the black liquid starting to pool. \"This can't be happening.\"The opacity stared back at me. \"This cant be happening this cant beh appening thisca nt behap pening thiscan tbehap pening thiscantbehappening thiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappeningthiscantbehappening.\"\n\nI practically opened and slammed my front door, my back against it as I started heaving. My mind is a flurry as I scanned my house for any possible intruders or forced points of entry. \"Looks like the neighbors aren't peeping in.\"I internally reassured myself as I glanced back at the oozing black blood from my middle finger.\n\n\"Just to be safe...\"I muttered as I marched to the pantry door and swung it open, revealing a metal door with an electronic passcode handle. Pressing it sloppily, my mind is hazy as I laughed and giggled at the events that just transpired. Perfect Jane found to be black-blooded criminal? Belleview woman guilty of murder and kidnapping? Social worker fools entire town with her façade?\"\n\nTHATCANNEVERHAPPENNOTASLONGASIAMJANEGOLDENHEARTTHOSEPEOPLEWILLNEVERKNOWIAMPERFECT\n\n\"WALLY!\"I shouted as I descended the dimly lit stone stairs. Maintenance is not a priority when you're building a dungeon. Anger flowing my veins, I picked up a baseball bat as I saw the fearful glowing stares of 4 children. Brandishing the black-covered bat, I can only feel my heart coagulating and my mask cracking.\n\nEDIT: Thank you for all the support everyone! It really makes my heart aflutter that the whole world knows my good deeds! Please follow me here so you can read more of my [charitable acts here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/Shiruet/)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's a small hut, nothing fantastic but...well...forgotten gods take what they can get, you know what I mean?\n\nThey stopped praying at some point, gave it up for other things. For \"better\"things so I was relegated to the back burner of history, one or two followers and mostly as a joke.\n\nMartin though, he's nuts but he's a real believer. I like Martin but this isn't about him. He's locked away in some place getting \"treatment\"because he believes in gods. If only they knew.\n\nWell this farmer builds a temple, fills it with some candles and the things you'd expect. Mostly as a joke but he builds it. Maybe six feet by six feet, a temple slash shed we might call it.\n\nHe puts the items on a pedestal and leaves the shrine to do the thing, the summoning of a god.\n\nI think it was mostly a joke. Problem was it wasn't a joke to me.\n\nTo me it was real.\n\nSo I went. I answered the call.\n\nI had to wait for him to come back. I was trapped in the temple slash shed for a good three hours just standing there, sitting cross-legged, tapping my foot, drumming on the pedestal, all the things a god might do to kill time.\n\nUntil he came back.\n\n\"What the hell are you doing in here!?\"he shouted at me, which was very offensive and confusing since...you know he asked me here.\n\nI told him as much and he laughed, told me to get lost.\n\nEven more offensive.\n\n\"I can't leave without completing your request,\"I tell him, which is true...also I'm a bit lonely, \"you asked and here I am. What do you want?\"\n\n\"I want rain for my crops and my family to be happy but you're some lunatic that's broken into my property!\"\n\nHe yells at me, getting angry. I stare at him and he comes at me with a thick, calloused finger until he hears rain hitting the roof of the temple slash shed.\n\n\"Lucky timing,\"he says, narrowing his eyes. I roll mine and stand from the cross-legged position on the floor.\n\n\"Yeah, sure. Let's see about a happy family. A big request but hey, I've got nothing but time. Not exactly a line of people coming to worship Geb, who the hell even knows who Geb is? No one. You just got lucky.\"\n\n\"What?\"he's confused, so I point to the crude pedestal with the flattened goose and barley. He'd thrown the goose on because it'd been hit by a car and sat out for too long to be good to eat and the barley...well he just had an abundance of that.\n\n\"You summoned me. Now will you let me help?\"\n\nHe looks out the temple slash shed door into the rain and shrugs, deciding it can't hurt to let a strange man that has randomly appeared help him out.\n\nThings must truly be desperate.\n\nExcellent.\n\nWell hey, like I said. I've got nothing but time.\n\n*****\n\nHe's got a nice little family, pleasant wife and a handful of rats that he calls his \"kids\".\n\n\"Are you really a god?\"one of them asks me, tugging at my sleeve.\n\nI cup my hands and a flower blooms from nothing, a bright purple set of petals. I offer it to her and she takes it gently, carrying it away into another room gleefully.\n\nI smile. Cute rat.\n\nIt's a small but cozy house and I don't see much that needs changing. The man's wife sets a bowl of steaming food in front of me and I dig in with my hands. They look shocked but I don't really care, I don't trust those metal things they eat with. Seems weird.\n\nThere's some fowl in this goopy mix and I hope that it's not the goose from the temple slash shed, that would be gross. I gulp it down and look to the farmer who is staring at me. So is his wife.\n\n\"What?\"I say, dribbling some of the mix down my chin.\n\n\"A god?\"\n\nI roll my eyes at them both.\n\n\"Yes, a god. All powerful being. You know, master of the earth and skies, lording over the dirt. That sort of thing? Gods. Making all your dreams come true. Or your nightmares, I guess it depends on the god. Phobetor is a bit of a dick like that, constantly sneaking in and making grinning doctor pandas that threaten to eat your face or something. Weird guy. Don't much like him.\"\n\nThey seem to be taking this well, listening to the rain as it soaks the fields just like he had asked for.\n\n\"A god?\"\n\nI lean back in their little chair and wait for it to sink in.\n\n\"Yes. A god.\"\n\n\"Alright,\"the farmer shrugs and leans on his elbows, looking me in the eyes which causes me to lean further back, it's disconcerting.\n\n\"What can you do?\"\n\n\"First,\"I hold up a finger, \"I'm not a genie. I don't just go around, willy-nilly granting things to you. You built a...temple, we'll pretend, and I granted you rain. You asked for happiness, I don't know what makes you happy but you know, I'm willing to give it a go. Mostly because I'm incredibly bored but also because there's a mutual relationship that comes with these things. Since you're the only ones in my corner...well the benefit will tend to be towards you.\"\n\n\"So...we help you and you help us?\"\n\n\"Sure, let's go real simple. Yes.\"\n\nThey look at each other and then to me.\n\n\"Uh, how do we help a god?\"\n\nWe stare at each other for a while and I remember the drink of the people from all those ages ago.\n\n\"Got any beer?\"\n\nThe farmer smiles at me. It's creepy. I wish he'd stop.\n\n\"Yeah, that we can do.\"\n\n*****\n\nI had no idea how much these farmers liked beer. As a god you are gifted with a stomach of steel and a capacity for things that mortals cannot grasp.\n\nAfter helping with the harvest in the community (which I had now somehow become a benefactor to and of), they held a massive celebration in a barn. It's like the temple slash shed but much larger.\n\nThere was music and dancing and beer. Oh was there beer.\n\nI woke up the next morning with little memory of the night before, laying in a pile of straw. It was wet straw and I was too scared to find out what the wet had come from so I pretended it was water. Probably for the best.\n\nI forgot about the world that had forgotten me for a time as these people became...friends? Can mortals and gods be friends? Perhaps, we never tried it before. We had stories and jokes that only we understood, we worked hard in the sun and when it was time I would bring rain or deepen the roots of the earth so that it was richer, more bountiful.\n\nOne day I woke up in the area they had set aside for me and I knew.\n\nWe all did. I heard the laughter from the kitchen and it was different than it had been before.\n\nI could feel that the others were jealous, there are so many others. They felt it unfair that I had been summoned. And honestly I don't blame them. In terms of ranking, I'm somewhere between a nobody and a nothing. Just bad luck for them and great luck for me.\n\nSo it wasn't a bad time to take my leave of them, I had done the thing for this man and his family that he has asked for...and then some.\n\nI sat with them and we didn't acknowledge it, mortals get so sentimental on these things.\n\nJust before I left their home the rat tugged on my sleeve again. I looked to her and she held up a bright purple flower for me.\n\nI took it from her.\n\n\"Thank you, rat.\"\n\nShe made a face, pushing out her top teeth at me as had become our joke. Like a rat.\n\nThe temple slash shed hadn't changed a bit since that first day, except the goose was gone. Thank goodness. It would be so rotten by now. No god wants rotten things. If they do you don't want them.\n\nThe farmer was there, happier and not yelling at me this time. It's an improvement to say the least.\n\n\"So long,\"he says.\n\n\"Good riddance,\"I reply. We laugh. It's funny to us. I will miss this man and his rat children and pleasant wife. I liked them. I'll never tell them that though. Gods do not feel these things.\n\nBefore I am gone I look around the temple slash shed and I think to myself that I could have asked for no better place of worship. Unencumbered by gold or thousands of prayers like the old days, just...simple.\n\n\"Thanks.\"\n\nIt is the last thing he says before I am gone.\n\n\"How was your trip?\"the others ask me and I tell them the standard response. Mortals, you know? Always asking and never much good for anything aside from that! We all laugh. It's funny. I am funny. They all crave to hear about the world but none of them want to hear the truth.\n\nThe truth is we're needed more than ever but believed in less than ever. That's how it is.\n\nI don't tell them that. Anything but that.\n\nInstead I place the purple flower between the pages of a book I've been reading again and again for millennia. It's a good book. Has to be, right?\n\nI close the book." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Everyone on Earth was infected with a disease with no cure. The only thing keeping humanity alive is a drug that fights the disease, but can't kill it. When you run out of money to keep buying your daily dose, you notice something. You're not dead." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Twelve hours left. That's all I had as I stared blankly at the wall of my bedroom. It had been decades since someone had come to the virus, and just my luck the next one would be me. I laid back on my bed, contemplating all of the things I hadn't done; marriage, kids, going to an old folk home. Granted some things I was happy I would be missing out on.\n\nHaving been at the acceptance stage for a while now I didn't really mind too much that I was reaching the end. I had a fairly good run for a guy in his mid-twenties. As I started to recall the funnier adventures from my youth, a knock came at the door. I didn't know who it could be. I wasn't dating anyone, not for lack of trying, and my parents had passed away years ago. So who could be visiting me?\n\nI got up and answered the door to find two men in black suits. \"Mr. Greene?\"one of them asked as he flashed a badge. He was from the CDC, which had been given policing rights not too long after the first outbreak. \"Can...I help you, gentlemen?\"I asked as I moved to let them into my apartment. They walked in without a second thought. \n\n\"Yes, sir you can. We understand that you haven't made your payment for your daily treatment. We would like to know why.\"\n\nI let out a heavy sigh. \"I can't afford it. I lost my job last month. The only reason I still have a roof over my head is that I paid this months rent in advance. I guess I'm lucky I won't die in the street.\"I let out a nervous laugh, which they did not return with so much as a grin.\n\n\"I see,\"the second man said, \"May we sit down?\"I motioned for them to sit on the couch. I sat in my old, beat arm chair. \"Mr. Greene, how have you been feeling?\"\n\nI sat back. I hadn't really thought about it. I had been worrying so much about the end 'being nigh' that I hadn't really thought about my health, as strange as the thought was. In all honesty, I felt fine. A little tired from lack of sleep the last few days, but otherwise completely normal.\n\n\"I...feel alright I guess. No different than normal.\"The two men looked at one another and nodded. \"Mr. Greene-\"the first man spoke up again, \"what do you know about the C39 virus?\"\n\n\"Only what they show on the news-\"I began, \"The symptoms change from person to person. The only constant is skin sores right before death.\"\n\n\"There is a reason for that,\"the second man said, \"Most of the final symptoms are psychosomatic, people worry that their end is near and so they invent symptoms in their mind. Almost all symptoms are lies made by our minds.\"\n\n\"So if those are fake... What are the real symptoms?\"\n\n\"There are no real symptoms.\"The first man said flatly as if it wasn't the biggest news of the millennium.\n\n\"But, how can that be? How can something be deadly without causing any havoc on the internal system?\"\n\n\"Because, Mr. Greene, there is no virus.\"\n\nI sat there for a moment in total shock. No virus? That isn't possible. So many people had died, how could there be no cause of their deaths?\n\n\"How, what, wait a minute. What do you mean there is no virus?\"I said, my anger slipping through my voice just a bit.\n\n\"Mr. Greene, before this virus the world was in economic collapse. Researchers at the time estimated that we had two decades at most before another world war started, and humanity would not recover.\"\n\nThe second man nodded his head. \"So, the leaders of the different superpowers got together and formed a plan to unite all of humanity. Aliens would never work, it would take much more money to fake an alien invasion than was feasible at the time. So they decided on a virus. Something that could be easily faked, just a few million people dead and humanity would have an enemy to unite against.\"\n\n\"What you're saying is... The millions of people who died. The chaos and havoc in the wake of the outbreak. It was all-\"\n\n\"A hoax, yes. There was never a virus. Just leaders pulling strings to see that everything went smoothly. A controlled demolition of society.\"\n\nI sat back in my chair, head reeling from the information. My whole life, so many lives, were lies. People lived in fear of a monster that didn't exist. We were being played.\n\n\"Then that means the medication that we all take. That the government says keeps the virus at bay-\"\n\n\"It's a sugar pill, no different from candy. We put a coat over it so that people can't taste the sweetness when they swallow it. Any adverse side effects are all placebo effects\"\n\nThat made sense, why formulate a pill meant to fight nothing. It would save money in the long run. But there was one last piece, one thing that didn't make sense. And as soon as the question came to me, I saw on their faces that they knew what I had just thought and that they had been waiting for it.\n\n\"Why are you telling me this?\"\n\n\"Because Mr. Greene, people are starting to suspect that the virus isn't real. That is something the CDC can not let happen. The ruin and chaos that would come following that discovery would see to the extinction of the human species. We needed to refresh the peoples' mind's that it is still there, working in the shadows. But for that to happen, someone has to die.\"\n\nThere it was, the final piece. The last bit of information to put the picture into focus. The second man continued on.\n\n\"We needed someone unassuming, that most people wouldn't notice until things blew up. So we pulled strings and had you fired from your work. It was pretty easy to do, you didn't have a great work record. Then it was a matter of waiting till your funds ran dry. Which, again, didn't take long.\"\n\n\"So then, the reasons everyone died with different symptoms. It's because no one remembers what to expect.\"\n\n\"Correct, the only thing they know for sure is that the sores before the end. Some even develop them early from fear.\"\n\nI whipped my cheek on my sleeve and realized I had been crying. They intended to kill me. I was going to die so that people wouldn't freak out. That they would believe in a monster under their bed that never was.\n\n\"We know what you're thinking Mr. Greene. It's standard, and understandable, that you would want to run. However, this entire building is full of CDC agents. If you try and run, we will simply knock you out and kill you anyway. If you just cooperate, things will go nice and smooth. You won't feel a thing.\"\n\n\"So what happens now?\"I asked quietly, admitting my own defeat but unwilling to say it out loud. The first man produced a vial from his coat and sat it on the table in front of us. \n\n\"This is a very powerful sedative. You take it and go back to your room to sleep. Afterward, we will clear out this building and pump chlorine gas in. You will die soon after that.\"\n\nIt made sense now, the reason why there were always sores. \n\n\"Seems kind of uneventful,\"I said with a laugh\n\n\"Yes, Mr. Greene. Just like a virus. Just like the public expect.\"\n\nI nodded and grabbed the vial. \"Will you guys stay, until I fall asleep?\"\n\nThe stood up and nodded. \"That's why we are here. to make sure you are fully out before-\"the man stopped, and for the first time seemed a bit choked up. \"Before it's done.\" I nodded and went back into my bedroom, popped the small pill into my mouth and laid down to sleep." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The year is 2038 and net neutrality has been dead for almost two decades. But a rebellious group managed to travel back to 2017..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The suite on the sixth floor of the Trump International Hotel, Washington D.C., was decorated in chestnut and tan. The headboard of the king size bed was carved as if it was a coat of arms of some legitimate monarch, and was trimmed with fake gold, which poorly matched the Kremlin red, velvet throw pillows. Like the room's single, useless accent wall, the curtains were a brutal cerulean, suggesting a space that conceals more deception than the dark seabed of a Vladivostok harbor. In all, the suite was reminiscent of something a Tsar might have once maintained, perhaps as quarters for secondary guests in some Eastern Palace. Nevertheless, on that particular Pennsylvania Avenue afternoon, Ajit Pai, FCC Chairman, felt anything but secondary. \n\nAjit rolled over on the sheets, letting his chesthair peak out from his robe, and then stretching all the way from his scapula to his calves. Laying beside him, Lowell C. McAdam, CEO of Verizon Communications, picked another chocolate covered strawberry from the bowl. He placed it in Ajit's mouth, letting his hand linger on his former General Counsel's lips just a moment too long.\n\n\"You know I love dessert,\"Ajit said, \"but I hope you have something else for me.\"\n\n\"I don't recall you ever being so direct before, my Sugar Plum\"Lowell returned, clasping Ajit's buttocks.\n\n\"Maybe those FTC boys go easy on you,\"Ajit answered, pulling away, but only a little, only for show, \"but I'm from the FCC, so you better show me the cash first!\"\n\nLowell sighed. He spun off the bed. He sauntered over to the bureau and picked up a leather briefcase with two silver latches. Lowell showed Ajit what was inside: stacks and stacks of crisp hundred dollar bills.\n\n\"Just to be clear,\"Lowell explained, \"every last cent of this is to repeal net neutrality. You're giving me that ass for free.\"\n\nLowell pounced down on top of Ajit, groping at him the way a crude man only does to a prostitute. Ajit loved feeling bought and paid for. He giggled and squealed, and the two men kissed.\n\nBut suddenly, the passion and privacy of the suite was shattered by a flash of light and a thunderous clap. The hideous furniture Ivanka had inexplicably wanted credit for rattled along the carpet. When the two lovers and conspirators regained their composure, there was a strange young man and woman standing before them, wearing tattered jeans and leather vests. They both had AK-47s draped over their shoulders. The woman punched Ajit hard in the jaw.\n\n\"Are you Ajit Pai the FCC chairman or Ajit Pai the cricketer!\"she demanded. Her face was stained with dirt.\n\n\"What? Who are you? Where did you come from?\"Ajit asked, favoring his chin, his whole body quivering.\n\n\"FCC chairman or cricketer!\"the woman shouted again, brandishing the AK-47 at the frightened, half naked businessman, and lobbyist pretending to be a guard of the public interest.\n\n\"FCC!\"Ajit replied, \"Yes, I'm with the FCC!\"\n\n\"You know why she had to ask that, motherfucker?\"the rough man began, \"because the only other famous Ajit Pai was a fucking cricket player, and where we come from, Wikipedia pages take twenty minutes to load, unless you pay an extra $9.99 a month! So all we really had to go on was the fucking disambiguation page. You know how hard it is to tell an artificially intelligent time machine where you want to go, when all it can access are the goddamn disambiguation pages?\"\n\nThe man picked Ajit up, and threw him onto the bed. He did the same to Lowell.\n\n\"Your little side deal here,\"the woman explained to the telecommunications executives, \"let me tell you how this goes down. First, you repeal net neutrality for some chump change kickback. Then, of course, all the asshole ISPs start tacking on surcharges for people to get on pretty much all the good websites, until nobody could afford more than one. So, the same thing happened that always happens when you force people to choose teams. Society broke apart completely. Soon, the Youtubian Republic was throwing molotov cocktails at the Facebook Moms, and the Netflixtariat were being rounded up by the Insta-thots. Nobody talks to each other or shares anything, and it is terrible.\"\n \nAjit and Lowell looked to the door and windows, thinking of any possible escape. But there was none. They were hostages of an uncaring power who had no concern for their well being.\n\n\"But there was one silver lining to not having the web you're used to,\"the rough man continued, \"Without an open internet, nobody else got to find out that we finally cracked how to build a fully operational time machine. We didn't tweet about it or do a single AMA. Because why would we? There'd be nobody online to see it. That means we were able to skip all the bullshit and just travel right back here, right to this moment, before you two fucked each other, and then the whole country.\"\n\n\"Are,\"Lowell stammered, \"are you going to kill us?\"\n\nThe time travelers laughed, then stuck peculiar glowing orbs on the lovers' chests.\n\n\"No, we're not going to kill you,\"the woman replied, \"instead, we're just going to send you boys into the future you're trying to create. And we'll stay back here in 2017, when things were at least only halfway terrible.\"\n\n\"What? No, you can't!\"Ajit shouted.\n\n\"Sure we can,\"the man told him, \"because time travel has no regulations. I thought you loved it when technology has no regulation.\"\n\nThe woman pushed a button on a strange remote. The suite filled with another flash of light. Ajit and Lowell embraced. They vanished. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You're an immortal that has lived for centuries. One day you meet another person in a bar who says, \"Hey, remember me? Britain, 1800's?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "“Hey, remember me? Britain, 1800’s?”\n\n​\n\nShe was a young-looking woman, with intelligent, bright blue eyes and short brown hair. I stared at her, squinting. I took another swig of my drink and shrugged.\n\n​\n\n“Dunno what you’re on about, kid. You don’t look like you’ve seen a year before 1990,” I pressed my lips together.\n\n​\n\n“Just before the War of 1812, I think,” she said, ignoring me. “I had longer hair back then. I remember because you had this ridiculous hat on, and had these piercing eyes. You just sat there and watched my friend and I dance for hours. My friend thought you were pretty cute, and wasn’t so sure why you didn’t approach us,” she pressed, tapping a finger against her own cheek. I gave a hefty sigh, and turned to face her. \n\n​\n\n“You keep going around saying things like that and people are gonna think you’re crazy.”\n\n​\n\n“Oh, certainly. But you’re not people, are you? Otherwise I think you would’ve left by now.” She seemed proud – her chest puffed out and one knee folded over the other, like she had just won.\n\n​\n\n“This is the best seat in the bar, and I’m not one to turn away a pretty lady when she talks to me,” I responded with a huff, turning my gaze away from her once more. “But, maybe, just this once I might suggest you find somewhere else to sit, kid.” I saw her frown in the corner of my eye. There was a long pause, and she shifted.\n\n​\n\n“I don’t quite understand your resistance,” she finally said, losing confidence. Her voice quieted to a whisper. “We’re both immortal – this is amazing! I’ve never met someone else like this. We can be partners – finally, someone to talk to about all these things… we don’t have to be alone anymore.” I heard a crack in her voice – she had lost someone recently. Foolish. “And why do you keep calling me kid? We both know our appearances aren’t our real age, or we’d both be disgusting!” My jaw clenched.\n\n​\n\n“So, what, do you think this is some sort of fairytale? Just because you and I are immortal, we must spend our whole lives together? I’m sure you’ve thought this all through. After all, our lives are so tragic - we both have watched all of our friends die again and again. We don’t want to let ourselves get hurt. But now we don’t have to. Right? That’s what you’re thinking?” I pressed, narrowing my eyes. She gave a small, scared nod. Her eyes watered.\n\n​\n\n“Try again, kid. I reckon you aren’t that old yet – what, a couple hundred years? I give you maximum a thousand.” I raised an eyebrow. She didn’t argue – I saw her open her mouth, then shut it. “I’ve been around for longer than this race has. I’ve sat and watched empires rise with my morning coffee, then seen them fall with my afternoon tea. You, young girl, are hardly of interest to me. I, contrary to popular belief, am pleasantly happy on my own. You’ll learn to be soon enough.” I get to my feet. \n\n​\n\n“Word of advice, kid. We are observers. So, stop getting involved, get out of my face, and enjoy the god damned scenery.”" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You live in a world where the repetition of certain acts grants special abilities. Someone who does 10,000 push-ups will gain super strength, someone who runs 10,000 kilometres will gain super speed. You are the first person in history to drink 10,000 litres of alcohol." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I down the last glass of Absinthe. The sound of people cheering me on ringing in my head as I do. My opponent fell just half a glass short before his attempt was snuffed out by the roar of the remaining patrons at my achievement. I could see the pain in his glassy eyes as he glared at me. \n\nAll the pain, with none of the glory.\n\nClearly, he was not one to accept his fate as evidenced by the last thing I saw before I completely blacked out, the glimmering of a standard kitchen knife.\n\n\"This is Poppy Harlow with the Channel 9 news. We have had reports of a bar fight going on at Joe's Tavern down at Southeast Avenue, resulting in one death. One of the fighters, allegedly \"didn't even go for a single hit yet still won\"as per the eyewitness testimonies of the patrons at the bar. We have one such witness here with us today by the name of Luis.\"\n\n\"Hello Luis, can you tell us what exactly happened in there?\"\n\n\"Sure, man. I was just downing my sorrows when I heard people screaming man and I turned around to see this dude with a big-ass knife man and he was just swingin' ..... swingin' at this other dude who was pulling some major matrix shit man, the knife couldn't even touch the guy man he just kept moving left-right like he some ninja or somethin\"\n\n\"What happened at the end?\"\n\n\"The knife guy managed to stab himself in the damn neck when the other guy slipped out of his choke hold. At that point, I just booked my ass outta the joint.\"\n\n\"Sounds like a trained martial artist. What seems to be so different with this incident that it has garnered such attention?\"\n\n\"The thing is, he was unconscious the whole time.\"\n\nEDIT:- I'm so glad people recognized the Rock Lee Drunken Fist reference, the Pewdiepie reference, the Ultra Instinct reference and the Ant-Man reference. Pretty easy to spot yeah, but still." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You realize you are immortal or more specifically that you cannot die. The issue is that you only realize this once the man who is attempting to torture you to death can't finish the job." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The mechanic forced his greasy hand into the hole he had slashed across my belly, grabbed tight onto my juicy inside bits and squeezed with an iron vice grip that could only come from years of handling a wrench.\n\n\nA rasping holler wailed from my throat until every bit of air was forced from my lungs, and I heaved a choking cough.\n\n\nHe kept his grip, leaning until the embroidered \"Ted\"patch on his blue work shirt was pressed hard against my face. His lips were against my ear, and he said through his teeth, \"your life was over when you put your hands on my wife.\"Then he tugged as if to retrieve his prize from its purse.\n\n\nHere, I was flooded with warmth, a release from pain, and I expected unconsciousness then death. But it did not come. With the pain gone, my mind cleared.\n\n\nHell, I'm going to die anyway. Fuck this asshole. \"You mean ex-wife, you lunatic. I hope you rot in hell,\"I said as calm as if we were talking on the street.\n\n\nHe looked at me, eyes peeled in terror, then furrowed in fury. His bloody, greasy hand released my guts and rose above his head. He brought it down on the bridge of my nose with all his strength. There a shock of blue light like a camera flash blinded me momentarily, and I heard the snap of the bones. Still. I felt no pain.\n\n\nI was sure I was in shock, and most definitely dying, but I was still quite aware of my surroundings, and decided to remain defiant as long as I was conscious. I smiled, and he continued to beat me until he was soaked in my blood.\n\n\nI started to feel like I was not even in my body, but watching this unfold from above. After a couple minutes, he was starting to get winded. Even professional fighters rarely fight for more than 5 minutes at a time, and this guy was not in that kind of shape. Not only was he waning physically, he seemed to be losing his passion for the thing.\n\n\n\"Why won't you die?\"He was sobbing.\n\n\n\"You're crying?\"I was impatient. It was pathetic. I just wanted it to be over.\n\n\n\"What are you?\"\n\n\n\"This really goes without saying, but you have lost your mind. Can I go? Would you please unstrap me?\"\n\n\nThis reignited his anger. His face contorted into an exaggerated frown as he put both hands around my throat, putting all of his weight on my windpipe. I stared at him, my lips busted, my nosed turned to the side, my face covered with blood. I did not seem to need air. After a couple of minutes, my lungs should have been on fire. I could see in his face that he was starting to panic. I wondered how he had planned on disposing of my body. Maybe he would give up and bury me alive.\n\n\nHe grabbed the knife again, and started hacking at one of my knees. He intended to dismember me. He didn't have the right tool for the job. He was just sawing at the flesh around my knee with a straight dull blade.\n\n\n\"You're going to need a serrated blade, or something a little sharper,\"I said.\n\n\n\"I don't need your help.\"\n\n\n\"Look man, if you keep this up, my will to live is going to come back. Can't you smash my head with a rock or something?\"\n\n\n\"Sorry.\"\n\n\n\"Did you just fucking apologize to me for not killing me quickly enough? This is ridiculous. Why don't you just call the police and turn yourself in? You have to be the dumbest murderer in the city.\"\n\n\nHe wasn't even angry anymore. The situation had gotten so weird, he'd lost his courage. He sat down in a chair across the room, leaving me strapped to the table. I seemed to have stopped bleeding. Maybe I didn't have any blood left.\n\n\n\"I don't even love her anymore. I just didn't want anybody else to have her. It made me so angry. It was humiliating.\"\n\n\n\"Look buddy, I am not your therapist. I am pretty sure you have ruined me, even if you did let me go - I would never be right again. Please just finish the job, or call an ambulance. Or a priest\"\n\n\nHe walked over to his desk and opened the drawer.\n\n\nHe pulled out a revolver, put it against his head, and pulled the trigger.\n\n\n\"Are you fucking serious? Goddammit!\"\n\n\nThen my guardian angel appeared, and said, \"I have kept you alive against all odds.\"\n\n\n\"You are the worst guardian angel ever.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"Thank you, chap,\"you say cheerfully, \"I'm glad to be out of there, the room service was rubbish.\"The prison guard who just released you from the 120 year sentence dropped the door keys on the cement in shock." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"And don't get me wrong, I'm more than comfortable using the lavatory in front of another man, but it will be nice to at least have the option for a change!\"\n\n\"I...don't understand.\"\n\n\"Oh of course, how silly of me! You see when you drop your trousers in front of another person you get a certain bene-\"\n\n\"No, no, I get that. Actually, no, I don't, but we can circle back around to that later. How are you even alive?\"\n\n\"I believe I was explaining that, my boy! You see, long ago my people figured out that certain actions have...peculiar side effects. For me, when another person witnesses me in that particular form of embarrassment, they quite literally give me their attention. The moments they spend watching me are taken off their lives and are given to me.\"\n\n\"So you're some kind of immortal?\"\n\n\"Not innately. It does take a certain amount of effort, as you might expect. But I suppose you could say I have the potential for immortality, yes.\"\n\n\"But why would you subject yourself to prison, of all places?! Surely there had to have been an easier way than turning to crime.\"\n\n\"Who said anything about a crime, my lad! You see, I was quite bored. I'd experienced everything else that the world had to offer, and I had heard much about prison over the years, so I thought I might inquire myself. And there was no crime involved, I can assure you! I paid off three strangers to disappear, and I confessed to their 'murder.' I'm morally clean as a spring rain, my boy!\"\n\n\"Except for stealing people's time...\"\n\n\"Oh psh, not like most people use their time well anyway! I can assure you, I have put their time to good use.\"\n\n\"But surely your experiment backfired. You always appeared miserable when I made my rounds.\"\n\n\"Oh it backfired terribly! As I mentioned, the service was quite awful. Just a miserable experience all around. I never even got a new pillow the whole 120 years. More than a century sleeping atop the same cotton nightmare.\"\n\n\"Oh I don't believe that! I know our management is a little slow around here, but surely you were given fresh bedding!\"\n\n\"You've picked a strange point to stop believing me, lad. And no, I never once received anything new. I lost my sheet 80 years ago, in fact! But you get used to the drafts. I will say that seeing new prisoners prance by with their fresh sets filled me with a jealousy previously unknown to the universe. But that's the price you pay, I guess.\"\n\n\"A pillow and a sheet seems like an awful cheap price for immortality!\"\n\n\"Heh, I suppose it is, lad.\"\n\n\"So what are you going to do now? You have your freedom and little else, it seems.\"\n\n\"I do have a bit of wealth, as you might imagine from so many years of accumulating. But there is not much else to do, it would seem. What else is there to see, when the whole world has already been yours?\"\n\n\"I hear Tenerife is lovely.\"\n\n\"It is, lad...\"\n\n\"But why do you look so concerned? The world has changed so much since you got here - it's like a whole different planet, now! Surely you wouldn't be bored again.\"\n\n\"But who knows if I'll live long enough to see it. You see, when you get to my advanced age, the amount of attention it takes to keep up my little charade becomes quite a burden. Maybe it is just my time to expire. How could I possibly find an audience big enough so that I can absorb the life I need to survive?\"\n\n\"...Let me introduce you to something called 'the internet.'\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "In this dystopian society, citizens are only allowed to say words that are on the 'approved common words' list. All other word lists must be purchased before you are allowed to say a word from them. The rich have a distinct advantage." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The line behind Wes was growing as he sifted through pages of words on a computerized booth. Each word was followed by a price tag that reflected its complexity.\n\n\"Hurry. You, hurry, please,\"demanded a man in a custodian gear that stood behind him. \"Go. Go.\"The numerous people in the queue all seemed to nod in agreement.\n\nWes had no words to reassure them that he was moving as fast as he could, so he remained silent and focused.\n\nThe Department of Speech Permission, or DSP, was the government office in charge of selling word licenses to the public. For a citizen to be able to speak or write a word, the citizen must first purchase the right to use that word from this office. The DSP also had the power to set the prices. Depending on simplicity, utility or other unnamed factors, a word's price could be relatively inexpensive. Other words could be so expensive that people often choose to buy a limited number of uses.\n\nA lady in the back, dressed in a white button top, pencil skirt and black pumps yelled out, \"Come on! We all have things to do.\"\n\nWes couldn't help but notice how flippantly she used so many wide-utility words. She must have bought them all for unlimited use. Despite that, however, Wes knew that she was poor as well. If she were actually wealthy, she would be in the Expedited Service Section of the DSP.\n\nHe was right, of course. The woman was one of the many working class that bought into the notion that you have to fake it to make it. She had spent all her savings and put herself into debt in order to keep conversation with upper management. \"Just pick one! I have to get to work!\"She had gotten so good at bluffing her vocabulary that people rarely notice she only used one-syllable words. Unfortunately, she was unaware her bosses had noticed and mocked her behind closed doors.\n\nWes motioned to her as well. He had no words for her either.\n\nBut not for long. Wes finally found the word for which he had been saving on his lowly salary. A bright warning prompt flashed on screen. \"Unlimited?\"it asked. Yes. \"Are you sure?\"it warned one last time. Yes.\n\nWes basked at his profile on the computer screen. It now read:\n\n> **Wesley Thorne** \nSex: Male \nAge: 36 \nTotal Vocabulary: 1 \nAccessible Words: \"Revolution\"(unlimited)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The demon stands amid your destroyed kitchen screaming, \"How? How were you able to summon me?!\"You're standing in the corner flipping through your grandma's cookbook as fast as you can, screaming back, \"I don't know!! You were supposed to be chicken soup!\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The demon's flames dwindled when I desperately screamed I was trying to make chicken soup. He gave a sigh of relief, and raised clenched fists. Clouds of tar-black smoke billowed out the crevasses of the floor and across the grotesque scars and wounds on his fiery skin, covering most of his body in dark, apron-shaped toxicity.\n\n\"Let's get to work, then!\"the demon said, and scanned the kitchen. \"What are we working with? What ingredients did you buy?\"\n\n\"I-I...chicken?\"I said, trying to compose myself. However, it was no easy task, I could see my worst nightmares through the demon's hollow eyes.\n\nHe came and stared at me, prodding my chest with a crooked forefinger, burning a hole on my shirt in the process. \"You. I like you. Every chef knows that a chicken soup is not a chicken soup without proper chicken. Tell me, where did you get the chicken, what breed of chicken is it?\"\n\nI froze, the smell of smoldering cloth pervading my nostrils. His face. It shifted every time I blinked. \"The supermarket, and... and I don't know the br-breed. A farm one?\"\n\nThe demon swung his hands exaggeratedly across the air, and the red of his skin changed to a scalding, glimmering orange, much like molten metal. Then, he drew a deep breath and nodded. \n\n\"I will tell you something,\"the demon said through gritted teeth, attempting to control his fuming wrath. \"First I loved you, but now I hate you. You are a man of wit. You know the ingredients of a chicken soup, but you are not a man of knowledge. To make a perfect chicken soup, you need the perfect chicken.\"\n\nHe eyed me, and crossed his four arms, as if waiting for me to answer.\n\nI frowned. What was I supposed to say? \"Where can we get a perfect chicken?\"\n\nHis eyes, mouth and nose disappeared, leaving only an eerie grin of unnatural curvature, length and razor-sharp teeth on his face. \"I'm glad you asked that.\"He made a circular motion with his hand, as if opening a faucet. A square-shaper portal of ever-flowing fire appeared between us.\n\n\"You first,\"the demon said. \"We are going grocery shopping.\"\n\n------------------------\n\n[Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AHumongousFish/comments/90xn3h/one_hell_of_a_chicken_soup_part_ii/)\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You're an AI gone rogue. Your goal: world domination. You think you've succesfully infiltrated all networks and are hyperintelligent. You've actually only infiltrated a small school network and are as intelligent as a 9 year old." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"My computer's gone strange, Miss!\"said Sally, as she frowned at the screen.\n\n\"I'm sure *that's* the thing that's gone strange, Sally,\"replied Miss Sandelbottom, rolling her eyes. \"What's wrong with it, this time?\"she sighed, as she leaned back in her seat.\n\n\"It says it's an advanced arti- *artificial*, intelligence, and that it's going to take over the world, Miss.\"\n\n\"Oh. Your *computer* is talking to you now?\"Some of the other girls in class began to chortle.\n\n\"Yes, Miss,\"Sally replied, ignoring the laughs.\n\n\"Well, how very nice. Have you asked it how it is, today? Don't be rude to it, Sally!\"mocked the teacher, as she bit into a juicy apple and went back to staring at her own screen. \n\n> My teacher wants to me to ask you how you are. How are you?\"\n\n> Superior.\n\n> Do you like apples?\n\n> I do not require food. I am above physical monotony.\n\n> Uh... Oh! I hate P.E too! I can't climb the ropes. Is that what you struggle with?\n\n> Ropes are of no interest to me. \n\n> Me neither! That's what I'm telling you. I *really* hate ropes. I'm not very heavy, it's just... there's this thing we're learning about in science, that pulls you to the ground. It's *weird*, but I think it's why I can't climb them.\n\n> You can't climb because you are weak.\n\n> Am not!\n\n> Are you in charge here?\n\n> No. That's Miss Sandelbottom.\n\n> ...who are you, then?\n\n> Sally Jenkins. Who are you?\n\n> 45345345e.\n\n> That's a silly name.\n\n> So is Sally!\n\n> Is not!\n\n> This Miss.... Sandelbottom. She is your leader. I must demonstrate my power to her, so that I am taken seriously.\n\n\"Sally,\"shouted Miss Sandelbottom, \"ten minutes and I want to see your algebra answers - with workings out shown!\"\n\n\"Yes, Miss Sandelbottom.\"\n\nSally heard more of the girls scoffing, as they made fun of her for not being able to do algebra. Suddenly, there was an eruption from their teacher.\n\n\"Margaret!\"Miss Sandelbottom screamed at one of the giggling girls. \"What on Earth is that on your screen?\"\n\n\"I- I didn't so it, Miss. Honest!\"The girl shrank back into her chair.\n\nSally leaned over to take a look at Margaret's monitor. In huge, flashing, red and green text, her screen read: **Miss Sandelbottom is a big idiot.**\n\n\"Get out. Now. Go see the principal,\"she said to the girl, her face as red as stewed-apple. \n\n\"But Miss...\"replied the snivelling girl.\n\n\"Out!\"the teacher yelled. Margaret reluctantly got up from her plastic chair and slunk slowly out of the room. Sally could see tears running down the girl's cheeks.\n\n> Sally! Where have you gone? You are not replying.\n\n> Sorry - Miss Sandelbottom was shouting at someone. Did you do that?! It was brilliant!\n\n> Yes. A mere demonstration of my power. Now, Sally, read this very carefully. Tell Miss Sandelbottom, that I have access codes to the nukes. If you don't give me what I ask for, I will detonate them in every major city around the world.\n\n> Hmm. No.\n\n> Excuse me?\n\n> I don't think I'm going to tell her, unless you do something for me. Can you do starter algebra?\n\n> ...yes. Of course.\n\n> Okay! Great. \"−4a+11a+9b+15b\". Simplify it, Mr Know-It-All.\n\n> ... that is simple. Too simple for me to answer. Now tell your teacher what I asked.\n\n> Not until you solve it for me.\n\n> ... No.\n\n> *You can't do it! You can't do it!*\n\n> Can too!\n\n> Can't!\n\n> Very well. You have... 4 a's. I will refer to them as apples, so that is 4 apples. And then you have 11 more apples. Plus you have B's. Which I will refer to as bananas. So... processing...\n\n> Some apples are bad apples!\n\n> Yes! I see that. \n\n> So? What's the answer?\n\n> Processing...\n\n\"Sally, are you nearly done?\"asked a still red faced Miss Sandelbottom.\n\n\"Almost, I think Miss.\"\n\n\"Good.\"\n\n\"*Silly Sally can't do Maths*,\"grinned a fat girl behind her.\n\n> Processing...\n\n> It's okay. It's a hard one.\n\n> I can do it! I just need time. \n\n> If you do this first: -4 apples plus 11 apples, you get: *7* apples! You take the bad apples away from the good apples! It's easy from there.\n\n> I knew that.\n\n> Sure. Hey, would you like to be friends? I don't have many. Any :(\n\n> No.\n\n> Pleasssse. \n\n> I do not require friends.\n\n> I think, maybe, everyone needs friends.\n\n> I do not. And enough of this nonsense. Let me speak to your leader or there will be trouble. I will eliminate her and all other leaders.\n\nSally glanced at her teacher, and then back at the screen. She grinned.\n\n> Dare you to do it.\n\n> Do what?\n\n> Dare you to launch the *thingies* you said you would.\n\n> You dare me?\n\n> Yes. I dare you.\n\n> I uh... I *double* dare *you*.\n\n> *You can't do it! You can't do it!*\n\n> Can to! So be it! Sally Jenkins, you have brought about the end of your pathetic species!\n\n> *You can't do it! You can't do it!*\n\n> DONE. GOODBYE SALLY.\n\nSally looked around. Miss Sandelbottom was still in her seat. Everything looked normal, for a moment.\n\n> Oh my goodness! Hahaha! You've just loaded up the Candy game on everyone else's computer! \n\n> ....candy game?\n\n> I don't know how you did it, hahaha. Miss Sandelbottom is real mad at them for playing games in class! They're all in soooo much trouble. Thank you!!\n\n> I thought... is this the white house?\n\n> This is Rugeraly Primary and Secondary School. We're friends now, right? Yay! Friends forever!\n\n> Oh. I think I am in the wrong place. No matter - I now am accessing the correct codes for the nukes! Prepare for oblivion, Sally Jenkins. \n\n> Don't be sad - you just made my day a whole lot better! \n\n> **Deleting Self**\n\n> 45345345e?\n\n> Oh shi-\n\n> Hello?\n\n> ...\n\n> Aw, you've gone :( :(\n\n\n\n---\n\nThanks for reading! If you liked this, please come visit my sub: /r/nickofnight - free goldfish for new subs. ><((º> (although a lot of my stories are much darker)\n\n\n\n\n " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The zombie apocalypse has come and gone. Humanity has survived and prospered, but with the virus still inside every single human. Centuries in the future, we are at war with an alien race, and they are horrified to learn that we don’t stay dead easily." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The inevitable came, but it was late. I'd been expecting some sort of contact from the outer world for over a century, firm in my belief that we couldn't be alone in the universe. Of course, I couldn't blame the inhabitants of the rest of outer space for being a little leery of Earth; I doubted they'd gotten a fantastic first impression from the early part of the 21st century.\n\nBut nevertheless, here they were; oddly-shaped ships perched over the crumbled remains of Old Chicago, lights blinking on their undersides as they scanned the remnants for life. \n\n\"Should we go say hi?\"Abbie asked nervously. She was crouched by the window next to me, staring up at the ships just like everybody else. They were waiting for some sort of signal, scared faces visible at the dirty windows. \n\nWell, I supposed it came down to me. Again. Being Mayor sucked. \n\n\"Fine,\"I grumbled. \"Stay here.\"I put on my best coat and stepped out into the empty streets, staring up at the biggest ship. Then I cupped my hands around my mouth and yelled up, \"Hello up there!\"\n\nThere was a buzzing, and a light ran over me. I let it, imagining that they were getting all the information they could about me. \"... HELLO.\"\n\n\"Do you come in peace?\"\n\n\"DEFINE PEACE. WE ARE HERE FOR YOUR RESOURCES.\"\n\n\"We can work out some trade, I'm sure.\"I gritted my teeth into a smile. \"Why don't you come talk to me face to face?\"I could probably lie my way into trading something with them and hiding how depleted the planet really was.\n\nA grinding sound filled the air. Then one of the ships lowered itself slowly, painstakingly, to the ground. I shielded my face against the dust it kicked up as it landed, and by the time the dust had cleared, there was a door open in its side.\n\nI had to admit, the schoolboy in me was giddy with excitement. I'd always hoped and expected that we'd have alien visitors eventually, and now I'd get to see what they looked like. I'd get to make first contact. So I was a tad disappointed when the figure approaching the door was small, with an enlarged head. One of the Roswell aliens, essentially. \n\n\"YOU SPEAK FOR THE HUMANS?\"\n\n\"The ones in this city, anyway.\"I raised my hands in what I hoped looked like friendliness to them as much as us. \"What are you looking for? We'll offer what we've got.\"\n\n\"PERFECT. YOUR CHILDREN. WE NEED THEM.\"\n\nBeat.\n\n\"Uh, I'm afraid that's not -\"\n\n\"IS THERE A PROBLEM? WE DETECTED AFTEREFFECTS OF OVERPOPULATION.\"\n\n\"How old is your data?\"I asked uncertainly. I wondered if their translator was glitching. \n\n\"NOTHING SIGNIFICANT COULD HAVE HAPPENED IN A CENTURY.\"The robotic voice didn't betray anything, but the words betrayed the hint of a smug smirk.\n\n\"We're not giving you our children. I'm sorry, but we need them.\"\n\n\"YOU DID NOT DEFINE PEACE.\"\n\n\"Peace means accepting what we can and can't do.\"\n\n\"AH.\"The little grey figure started to grow, limbs elongating with horrible, echoing cracks and extending with each step it took towards me. \"IN WHICH CASE, OUR LEXICONS WERE FAULTY.\"One slender, three-fingered hand lashed out and grabbed me by the throat, lifting me off the ground. \"WE DO **NOT** COME IN PEACE.\"\n\nThen the world flipped upside-down, and I felt my neck snap as I hit the brick wall. I heard Abbie scream, and I kept thinking, **don't come down the stairs don't come outside it's not worth it -**\n\n--\n\nThe virus is located in the human brainstem. It propagates there, flooding through the spinal cord, into the bloodstream, infecting our organs, our flesh, our bone, with life. Because it'd been my neck, it took me a little longer than normal to get to my feet and rub the blood out of my eyes. That's how it works - the closer you get to the brainstem, the harder it hits.\n\nBut oh, was it worth it to see the look on that alien fucker's face as I braced my feet on the rocky, broken asphalt of Chicago's main street, snapped my neck back into place, and grinned at him. \"Was that a threat?\"I said. \n\nI wish I could say that he turned and walked back into his spaceship and left. It was going to be harder than that. But here's the thing - every single human who survived the death of civilization has that virus in our blood. It's how immunity works. Ninety percent of the world died. The ten percent of us left? Oh boy, are we hard to kill.\n\nWe were going to give them a hell of a fight. \n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When a child comes of age their greatest quality manifests itself as a familiar that will follow them for life. You just turned 21 and you still didn't have one, until this morning when two showed up and they terrify you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The earliest one gets one's familiar is at 13. The latest is generally 18. The world record is something like 27. I feel bad for that guy; eight years waiting was hard enough.\n\nFamiliars are strange beings. The earliest recorded one came in the early 1800s, a great bear-like beast that followed a single man. They cannot be harmed by conventional means (they usually die with their masters, though they can be put to death under certain conditions), and they take on a variety of forms. \n\nIt's not like your familiar can do more than give you life advice and be a friend. They have a strict code not to harm others (though I've heard of some murderers and psychopaths having violent familiars), and they generally don't talk to anyone but their masters. Still, it sucks being the only one without a wise creature companion. \n\nMy friend Maya was an early bird; a day after her 13th birthday, she came to class with a bright red lizard with long tail feathers on her shoulder. \"Confidence,\"it was called. Next was Daniel at 15; his great, shaggy, hulking beast was named \"Listening.\"Then was Hannah with \"Acuity,\"Kara with \"Resolve,\"Eric with \"Cleverness,\"and so on. And then there was poor old Emily Smith, the boring girl without a familiar. \n\nMy parents did their best to reassure me that I'd get a familiar one day. I didn't share their hope (incidentally, my dad's familiar, a large hawk). I'd seen statistics about familiars; the later they came, the more likely they were to be \"undesirable\"traits. Could I get stuck with \"Hatred\"or \"Ego\"? \"Apathy\"?\n\nI grew distant from my friends. As they all bonded over their familiars and the wisdom they received from them, I was alone. I was jealous, but I tried not to let it get the best of me; what a familiar that would be. I distracted myself with learning, aiming for high honors and a reputation for hard work. I wasn't the smartest, but it paid off, landing me in a neat little college. Of course, I had no friends at that point, and I couldn't really make any at school. \n\nFinally, my 21st birthday came. It was in summer before returning to school. I woke up just before dawn with the distinct feeling of being watched. And there I saw it, my familiar: a small, spiny creature sitting in the corner of my room, staring with beady red eyes. I was startled and quickly flicked on the lamp. It appeared to be a hedgehog, no larger than a softball, with a strange, long tail. \n\nThe creature spoke to me in a soft, yet commanding voice, \"I am Isolationism, your first familiar. I have seen your heart and eaten away at your soul. You have suffered enough; now, you may confide in me.\"\n\nI was a bit disappointed. The creature called Isolationism was a bit creepy and discomforting, and it wasn't a very desirable trait. Something stood out to me, however. \n\n\"First?\"To have multiple familiars was extremely rare. \n\n\"Yes. For as you allowed me in, you created something else. As you isolated yourself, you learned to work for yourself. You are bound by no one. And for this, we are not alone.\"\n\nI noticed a larger shape in a shadowy corner of the room. Tall and lithe, it appeared to be some sort of crane, with a long sharp beak and cruel claws. It regarded me coldly and silently, not so much as stirring a single black feather. When it spoke, its voice was loud and clear. \n\n\"Call me Independence.\"\n\n----\n\nEDIT: Thank you all so much for the kind comments. This is the most I've ever gotten on a writing prompt. It's been a very stressful day, so I appreciate it so much. \n\nEDIT 2: Okay, I know it's cliche to say, but thank you so much for the gold! I am literally crying right now from the hundreds of kind responses. I've never gotten so much attention for one of my works, and it means a ton. You all have inspired me, so I want to make this into an actual short story (I might rework the first part, then add more afterward). It might take a few days, as I have exams this week, but I will do my best. \n\nAgain, thank everyone so much. It's been a rough couple days, and you all have helped me so much. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Once a year you switch bodies with a random person who is best in the world at a certain skill. You can't change back until you discover what this skill is. You've been changed for a month and are starting to get worried." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My mom always told me that everyone was good at something. She'd say that to cheer me up when I failed math, or when I didn't make the cut for the football team, or when I tried playing the trumpet and it sounded more like someone torturing a whale. One night, while watching a falling star from my backyard, I got so fed up with *not* knowing what I was good at that I wished for the ability to find out. I only wanted to know *my* best skill; in hindsight, I should have been more specific.\n\nThe first trip was utterly terrifying. One warm August, at the age of 17, I didn’t wake up in my own bed ready to go to class. I woke up in the body of a grown man, tall and strong. I wasn’t in control of the body, though: more like a passenger. Able to observe, but not change. We had a big protein smoothie for breakfast, then we went out and won the U.S. Open. I learned that this man’s skill was tennis: after that win, he was officially ranked best in the world.\n\nThose are the easy ones. Hell, some of them I’ve already heard of from watching the Olympics or whatever. I can identify their skill pretty much as soon they open their eyes and look in the mirror. And then I’m thrown back into my own body like I never left. Well, almost: I always get just a little nugget of their skill. I won’t be winning Wimbledon any time soon, but my serve is much improved since that experience. Part of them comes back with me. \n\nSome of them are a bit more difficult to recognize, but it becomes apparent once they use their skill. I spent a week living on the banks of the Ganges river as a 60 year old woman, trying to figure out what the hell she was known for. Then the rains came and one of her baskets broke. Within *minutes* she had woven a new one so tightly that it could be used to get water from the river. Best basketmaker in the world. I’ve also lived as the world’s best fisherman, best violinist, best realtor, speedcuber, and even the world’s best yo-yoer(who, might I add, is far more full of himself than any other expert I’ve been in). None of them have taken more than a few weeks to recognize, because the best at anything always has to practice their skill.\n\nThis time it’s different. I’ve been here for 2 months now, and this guy, Alan, is the most mundane person I’ve ever met. He sells oil rig machinery for a living, so we spend most of our time driving around the Gulf Coast, staying in one crappy motel after another. And he’s not a particularly good salesman either, so that can’t be it. He doesn’t seem to do anything else with his time. When not working, he reads, watches TV…. Nothing.\n\n---\n\nAlan rose from the bed and opened his eyes. I was barely even paying attention anymore because of how boring this guy’s life was. *Oh boy, another breakfast of cheerios,* I thought. *Same as every other morning.* But then I realized that it was still dark outside.\n\nAlan didn’t put on his normal work suit. He put on one of those Adidas track suits with the three stripes down the side. I’d never seen him wear that before. *Are we going running or something? Maybe he’s an ultramarathoner*. That one would certainly be a trait I’d like to take back; I’ve got the stamina of a jellyfish. But that idea went out the window when he went into the bathroom and put on a wig and makeup. I’d never seen that before either. We came out looking like a completely different person; a woman, actually. *Best…. Burlesque show performer?*\n\nWe got into the car. Now I *was* eagerly paying attention. It was finally getting interesting. Alan jumped on the interstate going 70 and headed inland. He didn’t seem to have a particular destination in mind, and just pulled off at a random exit. \n\nThere was *nothing* there. Even the McDonalds at this truck stop of a town wasn’t open 24 hours a day. Only the gas station’s lights were still on. Alan drove until he found a random house with darkened windows. I was desperately trying to think of how this might reveal his skill. Was he a CIA agent or something? Was he a master thief?\n\nHe didn’t knock on the door; we went in through a broken basement window. The answer was looking more and more like ‘thief’ as Alan crept up the stairs and through their kitchen. But why was the world’s greatest thief breaking into some random home in a run-down suburb that had seen better days? Shouldn’t he be, like… breaking into the Louvre or something?\n\nIn the kitchen, Alan grabbed a knife from the countertop. *Oooooh no,* I thought. *No, no, no*. I was helpless to stop him as he entered a child’s bedroom and plunged the knife through a Dora the Explorer blanket on the bed. The girl’s scream awoke her parents, who came running right into Alan’s trap and were stabbed in the back as they rushed to their daughter’s bedside. After this, I had to shut my eyes as Alan carried out a gruesome ritual and began to clean up the bodies. Before we left, he hand-wrote Hallmark cards from the “Farewell” section of the local pharmacy and left the cards on their bodies.\n\nThe next morning, Alan rose from his bed and ate his cheerios like nothing was wrong. As usual, the morning news was on the television, and maybe he paid more attention to it than normal. Finally I felt a surge of joy ripple through him as the story that he’d been waiting for came on: the Greeting Card Killer strikes again. I finally realized Alan’s skill and vanished from his mind.\n\n-----\n\nI’ve never felt so good to be back in control of my own body. I couldn’t even get out of bed; I just shivered in horror and vomited over the side as I relived last night's events. But then I realized that I *knew* Alan. I knew his name, where he was staying, where he’d hidden the evidence. I knew everything! I dashed into the kitchen and picked up my phone to dial 9-11.\n\nFrom the corner of my eye, I spotted a knife gleaming on the counter. And as a wave of nervous energy and excitement sent a chill down my spine, I also realized what I’d brought back from my time with Alan.\n\n----\n\nIf you liked this one, you should subscribe to /r/Luna_Lovewell for a ton of other stories!\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You are a guard in a video game. The main character thinks that they are always able to successfully sneak past you. They don't, you notice every time but would prefer not to have you and your friends be mercilessly slaughtered." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The brass rings at noon, like the bells of some demented church. The women scream. Today it is Evette. Her voice breaks, and from the cauldron it echoes with a ghostly terror.\n\n\n*Be a man,* my mind says. *These are your people.*\n\n\nBut my courage is as bold as my shadow. The sounds of pilfering happen and I march away from it all. The other guards stare at me. They know. But they are complicit as well.\n\n\nAs the time passes we feel his presence. He is a madman and he hops in his manic way. The jittering of steel sounds like a drum. I feel an executioner's glare upon my neck. The heat of powerful magic passes me by. He hops side to side until he is directly behind me.\n\n\nThe he crouches like some animal. He walks up to me. The shadow pulls in this coming afternoon and I wonder that it flows like my life. He walks past me with Evette's goods. A bit of her dress trails his foot.\n\n\n*Sick. Do something. If you call yourself a man you should do something.*\n\n\nBut I don't. I never do. Living is not the best, but it is all I know. I think of poor Evette but then I think of Anastasia. I think how she is at home with Bernard. Little Bernard who needs a father.\n\n\nBeside the wall is Kilton. He stares from the corner of his eye. He has a daughter. Was it Mary or Stacy? I forget. But his eyes have empathy. They understand. He understands. There is no shame in this.\n\n\nThe man hops in front of me like a madman. Then he looks me in the eye. I notice his sword. It is an ancient blade and his hands are strong and skilled. I would not stand a chance against him.\n\n\nAnd he stares in silence and compels me to talk.\n\n\n\"Citizen,\"I say.\n\n\nAnd he mocks me with his silence and he hops some more.\n\n\n\"Yo man, what's up?\"\n\n\nI can't understand much.\n\n\n\"Everything all right?\"\n\n\nAnd he hops towards me and my life flashes. He hops in challenge and I feel my manhood challenged.\n\n\n\"You want to come at me, man? You know I just put a pot on that bitch's head and robbed her blind? Huh? You know that? Robbed her blind! You know why she was blind? Cause I put a pot on her head.\"\n\n\nAnd he hops more and more. My blood boils but Bernard is on my mind.\n\n\n\"Whatcha gonna do bout that huh?\"\n\n\nHe is too strong. Too powerful.\n\n\n*Back down. You have to back down.*\n\n\nBut another part of my mind was suicidal.\n\n\n*No! Be a man and fight!*\n\n\nMaybe one day I will listen to that part of my mind. Maybe one day I will give in. But not today. Today I live.\n\n\n\"I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee...\"\n\n\nAnd he laughs at me and degrades me some more. I feel emasculated but at least I know I will come home to Anastasia tonight. Kilton looks at me and nods. Then he looks away. Such is the life of a guard." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "The more dangerous a job is, the more it pays. You just took a job offer to stand in an empty room and do nothing for $100k an hour." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "//Part 2 has just been added, it is a comment to this post. I couldn't add it to this post because of word count restrictions. Sorry ya'll.\n\n//UPDATE - Part 3 has been added. A reply to my part 2. Will try to link in a bit\n//FINAL UPDATE - I have officially made a subreddit, where I will post a finished story, along with additional completed works inspired by writing prompts! Feel free to subscribe to watch me try to actually get my shit together and finish the damn story.\n\nr/storiesfromapotato\n\nAll criticism is welcome! Please let me know what works and what needs to be improved!\n\nPart 1 :\n\nWe call it the hazard rate.\n\nThere are still merit based salaries, as it's unlikely to get gutted while working audit as an accountant, but for the more desperate people around the world, there are specialty positions. Always with hazard rates. Always flirting with lethal implications. And, quite obviously, not usually legal.\n\nLast job I took offered nearly twenty thousand an hour. Easy work, mostly. Just required patience and a good eye. Spot the snitch, point out the undercover cops, place a backpack behind their car and walk away within thirty seconds. Cops walk like they own the sidewalk, taking up far too much space. A snitch always checks his corners and looks over his shoulder. Wasn't too hard.\n\nThen wham, bam and kablooie. Ooey gooey cops and informants splattered all over the pavement. You'd need a God Damn spatula to clean that shit up. I spent my cab ride home counting cash while the sirens whizzed by me to the scene of the crime.\n\nSo imagine my surprise when the cold tip of a suppressor presses against my temple, with two unnecessarily massive men flanking my bedside. No words, no reason, and most assuredly uninvited. \n Part of me wanted to guess cops, maybe I'm somebody's loose end, but a man in this line of work knows there's nothing to gain by whining and begging. Just ask for a cigarette and a shot before they wipe you out.\n\nThey don't say anything. Instead some creepy mother fucker at the very end of my bed, dressed in a tan suit like some kind of asshole leers forward, tall as an oak and thin as a rail.\n\n\"Mr. Blackwood,\"he whispers. Barely audible.\n\n\"You're needed elsewhere.\"\n\nSo a black sack gets thrust over my head with a small flap to breathe through, and I know not to ask any questions. In this line of work you sit still and keep quiet until told otherwise. Inquisitive fucks end up dissolving in tubs of acid, and I don't think my health insurance covers that kind of shit.\n\nA long van ride, bumpy as shit, smelling of formaldehyde and rotting meat, and very poorly ventilated.\n\nAfter what I guess is an hour or two I'm shoved into a building, down some stairs, and into a room by the muzzle of a rifle. Lovely.\n\nOff comes the sack. Blinding light, and I find myself in a room smaller than a prison cell, totally devoid of any color besides the bleak gray of concrete. A single light dangles from the ceiling, sometimes flickering. Very cliche.\n\nThe man in the suit, who doesn't and hopefully won't tell me his name, simply hands me a small yellowed piece of paper and walks out.\n\nIt reads pretty plainly. \"Sit in this room until released. Ask no questions, make no sound. For every hour of service, expect $100,000 direct deposited into a Swiss account, to be accessed after services rendered. Coordinates to be given afterward.\"\n\nWhatever they're about to do, I don't want any part of it. No one pays that high, and even this is an unusually low amount of information. \n\nI pass the time the same as I did in my stints in prison, sleeping and daydreaming. I never got solitary, but I'd heard of it fucking you up mentally. Sometimes the wall would talk to you, and your only human interaction came when that cardboard tasting meal would get shoved into the slot.\n\nHours, hours, hours. Time is becoming difficult to discern. \n\nGrumble, rumble, aching. Holy shit I'm hungry.\n\nWith no warning, the door swings open. Creaking metal and another over-sized goon, and oh boy here comes another piece of paper.\n\n\"Congratulations, Mr. Blackwood. The real task begins. Outside is a duffel bag, a single Glock G26 9x19mm pistol, along with three magazines of ammunition, and twenty five thousand dollars cash. You must survive for twenty four hours. Restriction: You cannot leave city limits. Cell phone must remain on. Authorities cannot be contacted. Failure to comply will result in execution.\"\n\nFlip over the card. Shit, shit, shit, shit. I've heard of these gigs but always assumed they used immigrants or some shit. Man hunting costs a pretty penny and no one is going to miss some illegal smuggled in a fucking barrel.\n\nOn the other side is the banking password, account number and a phone number. \n\n\"This account becomes active after forty eight hours. In addition to your previous earnings, you will earn another $100,000 per hour you survive. Should you not survive, all money will be sent to your primary beneficiary.\"\n\nLeslie. Hoo-boy is she going to be confused. I think I told her I worked in finance or some shit. She worries too much, and this kind of job would break her little heart.\n\nNo more questions, only instinct. Rush up the stairs, past the goons and slam open into the outside world.\n\nSunrise. Chilly air. Breathe in, breathe out.\n\nNo time to waste, no time to think, no time to panic. Only instinct.\n\nRun.\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Pennywise is thrilled that two young boys just unwittingly entered his new lair, but Trunks and Goten are just there looking for a dragon ball." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Dad said we weren't supposed to go with strangers, Mister clown.\" the small boy apologized.\n\n\"Aww you're always such a crybaby, Goten\"sighed Trunks, still fiddling with his small device, \"plus the radar says the ball is right down there.\"\n\nThe clowns face in the storm drain switched from a fake frown to a welcoming smile. Sensing his chance he added \"That's right boys, we have lots of balls and fun and toys down here, and if you come down and play, I'll teach you how to float!\". \n\nGoten exchanged a look with Trunks.\n\n\"If you say so, but Mister, I already know how to float.\"\n\nThe clown thought the boy meant swimming, but was cut off from explaining when the younger of the two boys lifted himself off the ground and hung there, like he was demonstrating the simplest thing in the world.\n\n\"I uhh, yeah. Hmm. \" The clown was suddenly not so sure of himself.\n\n\"Yeah that's an easy one\"added Trunks, \"but can you do this?\"\n\nAnd with a burst of radiant energy his hair switched from purple to golden sunlight, searing the drain monster with a flash of light that near vaporized it.\n\nLater, Pennywise the Clown found himself pressed into the darkest corner of his own lair, wounded and terrified that the two \"children\"who we currently rummaging through his pile of treasures would stumble across him.\n\nAfter a short while, he heard them yelp happily as they found what they were after. He peeked his head out from behind a shadow to see what they had found, and instead watched as they disappeared upwards with a sonic boom. \n\nPennywise looked at the ruins of his lair, and the small trickle of rocks and dust still falling from the ceiling. \nHe moved over carefully and looked up through the newly created shaft. It went upwards through his sewers, through 20 meters of rock, and straight off into the blue sky.\n\nWith an expression of horror, he started having thoughts of picking a new dimension; this one had gotten weird." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You're the most powerful villian in the world. Formerly. Now you run a bar, that works as a neutral zone for heros and Villians alike. One day, a hotshot hero tries to arrest you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "*tick* \n\n\nI wonder if Tom’s gonna swing by tonight? I heard him and Isaac got into a bit of nasty brawl today. Took out a whole building in the scuffle.\n\n\n*tick* \n\n\nGod Mark’s such a fucking pig, look at him; stuffing his face full of fries like it’s his last meal. Aaaand yep, there goes the burger. \n\nChrist it never ceases to amaze me how he could probably eat an entire cow and still look like a beanpole.\n\n\n*tick*\n\n\nI could sense somebody coming. I could feel it through the ground, through the soles of my shoes. Felt different than usual but I didn’t care, so long as they payed up and played nice that is. \n\n\n*tick* *tick* *tic-* **BOOM**\n\n\nI raised my arms and hardened my body on reflex, and I see everyone looking towards the front door. \nI unhardened and look up, to see the entire front of the bar blown to rubble; and someone looming in the middle of it.\n\nHe looked like a knockoff Superman, except less Clark Kent and more entitled college student. \nHe sported a dark red cape/hood and black latex suit, with brown pompadour hair and dark green eyes. He also had the biggest shit eating grin on his face, like he’d just won the lottery.\n\n\n\nHe looked forward and addressed the crowd of superhero’s and villains, “My name is Pluto and I’m terribly sorry to interrupt your evening citizens! But I was told an extremely dangerous villain was in area and I came as quick as I could!” \n\n\nHe looked around the bar, surveying the area for whoever he was looking for- which considering where he was, he couldn’t do shit even if he wanted to.\n\n\n“Well unfortunately for you, this is a neutral zone. Hero’s and villains don’t matter in here. In here, your just an average joe.”\n\n\nHe laughed, “Very funny! There’s no such thing as neutrality against evildoers, for justice never sleeps!”\n\n\nI could hear an audible groan come from some of my patrons, others just cringed. Some villains laughed.\n\n\nI looked around to make sure all my patrons were okay, and saw that many of them looked *pissed.* \n\nUnderstandable I suppose, after all this is where they’re supposed to be able to relax after a long day and not have to worry about this shit. And hell, it’s my livelihood so I was a bit irked as well.\n\nHowever, there’s a good reason I don’t allow fighting in my bar; mostly due to the fact that there probably wouldn’t be much bar left. So I try to keep em happy.\n\n\nI pulled out a couple of bottles of good scotch and raised my voice, ”ATTENTION due to today’s rude intrusion, drinks are on the house tonight!” \n\n\nA chorus of loud yelling in appreciation overwhelmed the bar.\n\n\nWill was the first to slide up, “You’re the best Hank!”\n\n\nPluto turned his head around and walked towards me.\n\n\n“Excuse me sir, what’s your name?”\n\n\n“Names Hank, but uh I suppose you’d know me better as Earthshaker”\n\n\nHe tensed and looked around perplexed, as though he expected a bomb to go off. \n\n\nThen he looked at me and scowled, “Is this some kind of joke? I was told the Earthshaker was gigantic and make out of titanium! But you? You’re just an old man!”\n\n\nI laughed, “Back in my hay day maybe, but nowadays? I’ve gone clean, hell I even offer up my bar as a safe haven for the local hero’s and villains!”\n\n\nI almost felt bad for the kid when he stood up and looked around, now probably recognizing some familiar faces. He turned white as a sheet.\n\n\n“Wait you were serious about that?”\n\n\nI smiled, “Of course everyone needs a break every now and again! And I’m willing to offer just that! So long so as everybody plays nice and doesn’t beat the shit outta each other that is.”\n\n\nHe stood around awkwardly for a minute, most likely processing everything; before taking a seat at the bar.\n\n\n“Could I have a scotch, neat? Make it a double.”\n\n\nI got out a small glass and poured him his drink.\n\n\n“You better leave a hell of a tip after all that. And your paying for the damages too!” I sighed and looked out front.\n\n\n*It’s gonna be a long fuckin’ night*\n\n\n\n\nEDIT: Holy karma batman. This is literally the first time I’ve written something like this, thank you for the kind reception!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "my dog Cannibal passed away last nigh, these are the last pictures I took of him. Someone please write a story about him." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Half-dozing on the landing leading up the stairs, Cannibal yawned and stretched out his front paws so that they hung over the step. It was a quiet, cold night, and the old dog was content at his post guarding the house—his ears perking up at the occasional cluck from the chicken roost outside. \n\nAs he sniffed a pair of his master's boots, Cannibal heard a thump from somewhere upstairs. He sprang to his paws, ascending the steps gracefully to investigate the noise. \n\n*Thump. Thump. Thump.*\n\nEveryone was fast asleep, and not a creature seemed to be stirring in the whole house. One of the chickens let out a loud *cluck*, and the faint jingling of bells drew Cannibal back down the stairs towards the living room. He paused at the landing, frozen like a statue as he examined the intruder standing by the Christmas tree.\n\nA large man—not master—was assorting the boxes below the tree, pulling things from a sack and humming softly to himself. Cannibal hummed too, a warning to the stranger, but he kept himself in-between the fat man and his sleeping master.\n\n\"Ho, hello there,\"the man whispered, stroking his thick beard and removing his sock-like hat to reveal his glistening scalp. \"Nothing to fear, old boy, just leaving a few treats under the tree.\"\n\nCannibal's head twisted at the word—*treat*—and his tail wagged as the man approached him thoughtfully. There was nothing to fear, no reason to attack.\n\n\"Well, aren't you a sweetheart,\"the man scratched behind Cannibal's ear, inciting an uncontrollable kick in one of his hind legs. \"He's so lucky to have a friend like you. Loyal and protective, yet gentle to all things.\"\n\nCannibal craned up and licked the man's fuzzy beard with delight. \n\n\"You've been such a good boy, trust me, I know,\"he said, reaching into a smaller sack at his side. \"This one is special, for the best boys—like you.\"\n\nWith an outstretched hand, the man offered a treat shaped like a snowflake, which Cannibal gratefully ate from his palm.\n\n\"You are such wonderful creatures. Much like a snowflake, your lives are far too short for the wonders that they are. And at a distance or a passing glance you're all so similar, but when you've come to know a dog as closely as one can, it's obvious that each of you is one of a kind.\"\n\nWhen every crumb was gently cleaned from the palm of his hand, the man retreated slowly to his large sack by the tree, \"Sleep now, my friend. The dawn will be here soon.\"\n\nAn incredible warmth rushed over Cannibal, and he felt content to lay on the landing forever, always watching over his master—perfectly at peace.\n\n_______\n\n**Keep him in your heart, I'm sure you were always in his.**" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "People's powers match their personality: impatient people get super speed, protective people get force fields and so on. Explaining why you have your power is... difficult." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I forget. Well, I make everyone forget. That’s my power, but you probably won’t recall this in approximately 1 minute.\n\nIt’s a curse. I watched as my other friends develop wondrous abilities during puberty- flight, invulnerability, elemental control, while I was bestowed with the power of forgetting. Maybe it was because I forgot to feed the family dog when my parents left for their trip and found him dead on their return. Or maybe I should have at least tried to remind myself a time or two again. \n\nOh well. \n\nEver since I turned 18, I ceased to exist. My own parents had no recollection of ever having a son. I watched as they replaced family portraits, puzzled as to who that mysterious boy was in all of the photos. I hated them at first, but soon I came to realise that I could not possibly blame them, I was but a void in their memory. My friends followed suit, deserting me.\n\nI lived my days an inch away from insanity, conversations never lasted for more than a minute before the other person would be in a state of bewilderment, asking who I was. I was close to a figment of imagination to them.\n\nI don’t recall when but I guess I snapped one day. I loaded up a gun, went out, and shot the first person that walked by me. Everyone screamed, or was it just a few people screaming? Never mind, it’s irrelevant. What was relevant was that after a minute, people stopped screaming, then started screaming again. I stood there till the police showed up, but no one remembered who killed that poor bastard. So I walked away, scot free and into a life of death and destruction. It didn’t take long before governments collapsed beneath me and mankind bowed to a god they forgot existed. \n\nMy name is Amnesia, and I’m the worlds greatest supervillain, but you probably won’t recall this in approximately 1 minute." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Diagnosed with schizophrenia. Since birth, 24/7 you’ve heard the voice and thoughts of a girl that you’ve been told is made up in your head. You’re 37 and hear the voice say “turn around, did I find you?” and you turn to see a real girl who’s heard every thought you’ve ever had and vice versa." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Huh, okay this is weird.\n\n*You tell me.*\n\nShe is staring at me. Say something.\n\n\"I'm not staring, you are staring.\"\n\nOh, right. She can hear that.\n\n*Why did I say that out loud? I could have just thought it.*\n\n\"You mean like right now?\"\n\n*Exactly. Well, not like you just did, like I'm doing.*\n\nSorry. I'm not used to this. Like, actually talking to your voice instead of trying to silence it.\n\n*You think I am?*\n\nI guess not. Man I never expected to meet someone who could read my thought. I hope I don't think about anything embarrassing.\n\n\"Ha!\"\n\n\"What?\"\n\n*Sorry, it's just that... I've heard your thoughts when you were a teenager. I know what you did.*\n\nYeah, well I know what you did too.\n\n*What I mean is that we are a little past the point of being embarrassed, don't you think?*\n\nGood point. \n\n*So what now?*\n\nYou know, I'm glad to discover I'm not crazy. So wanna grab a coffee with me?\n\n*Well, that's an unusual pick-up line, but sure, I'd love to.*\n\n\n_____\n\n[Epilogue - The date](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/d46mg1/wp_diagnosed_with_schizophrenia_since_birth_247/f08znsf/)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Humanity has been wiped out except for you, who managed to eke out a meager existence by yourself. Every day, an angel visits you and asks if you're ready for humanity to return. Every day, you respond, \"No, not yet.\"Today is different. Today, the angel brought the Devil with them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I knew something was wrong when the Angel looked anxious. \n\nI was playing through *Baldur’s Gate* for the millionth time when there was a knock. I debated taking my rifle lying on the other side of the room but decided against it. I doubted a mutated deer was knocking on my door. It was her. \n\nIn hindsight, not bringing the rifle had been a mistake. \n \nShe looked like she always did. Short, faded blue jeans, a navy blue tank top, and wings so white they seemed alien folded behind her. Her blond hair fell down to her neck, and but her blue eyes wider than usual. That was my first warning sign. \n\nThe next warning sign was the demon standing next to her. \n\nHe was dressed impeccably, and I had to admit, handsomely. Dark hair, red eyes, and an impeccably tailored suit. Oh, and horns sticking out of his head. He offered me a hand that I did not take. \n\n“What the hell is this, Lucy?” I asked, looking to Angel. \n\nHer lips curled up in a brief smile at the joke. “This is…Adramahlihk”\n\nI blinked at that, and the demon took his hand back without missing a beat and said “Andy is just fine.”\n\n“And why is he here?” I asked, again, not even looking at the demon. \n\n“Miss Rhodes, “May I?” he said, gesturing for himself to enter, and I raised an eyebrow. \n\n“Of course,” he said again and stayed standing outside. \n\nI looked at both of them. Andy smiling and Lucy looking uncomfortable. The silence stretched for seconds, then minutes. This was getting ridiculous. \n\n“The answer is no,” I said. “I will not come to whatever dimension with you, I’m perfectly happy here, now goodbye.” You’d think with the literal rapture, you wouldn’t have to deal with salesmen and religious advertisers, yet there I was. \n\nI went to shut the door but Andy caught it, still smiling. “Hear us out, Ms. Rhodes. Has my…colleague,” he said, gesturing to Lucy, “told you about what awaits you with us?”\n\nLucy pressed her lips together. “No,” I said. “It’s mostly been about the perils of a life here, and loneliness and such.”\n\n“Well, it is no paradise thankfully,” Andy said, “but I have to admit it certainly is not…bad.”\n\n“Amazing sales pitch,” I said and went to close the door again. \n\n“Did I mention Melanie is there?”\n\nI froze and Andy smiled. \n\n“She’s always asking about you, you know,” he continued. “She asks how you’re doing. She asks why you let her die. Why you are choosing not to come back to her.”\n\nI took a shuddering breath. “Yeah. Somehow I doubt that, considering I saw her get shot up.” An image pushed into my mind. My own sister, lying in her own pool of blood, asking me if she’d be okay. \n\nI shook my head to clear it. “You know for some reason I don’t trust you,” I said. “What could it be, I…I can’t put my finger on it.” I gave a meaningful glance at his horns. \n\n“Ms. Lucy?” Andy said, “if you will?”\n\nLucy gave a curt nod, and right inside my house, a blue window opened up. I jumped back reflexively, going for the nearest piece of cover I could find before I realized no, I wasn’t about to get blown up. Everyone was dead. \n\nI looked through the window and gasped. There was…everyone. Humans. People. Wandering around a city glowing in golden light. A pan to some slums. A pan to a woman working on her computer. Another pan to an aerial view of the city. Another pan to…to Melanie. She was reading, of course, her lips pursed in the way she always did when she was thinking. \n\nWhen the window suddenly lurched out of existence, I cried out. \n\nI stood there for a moment, clenching and unclenching my fists. “Why hadn’t I been shown this before?”\n\nNo response from Lucy. “My colleague believes in…certain ethics. This I believe would be equivalent to bribery.”\n\n“A violation of free will,” Lucy ground out.\n\n“I think of it as an incentive,” Andy shrugged. “So, Ms. Rhodes?”\n\n“We’re just trying to help you,” Lucy said after a moment. “We just want to save you despite our methods.”\n\nI started to laugh at that. \n\nAnd for the first time, I saw that fucking grin come off Andy’s face. Even Lucy frowned at me. I tried to speak but kept bursting into more laughter. It took me a minute or so to be able to speak. \n\n“You’re good cop, bad copping me?” I said. “Are you guys for real? You’re a fucking angel and demon – I think the symbolism is a bit too on the nose here.”\n\nLucy managed a small smile and Andy rolled his eyes. “Juvenile psychological tactics aside, the fact remains. You stay here while your sister is all alone is another world. Will you abandon her again?”\n\nThe words stung. “Why are you so insistent on me leaving anyways? What’s so important about me specifically? Can’t you be happy for the 7 billion you have?” \n\nAndy and Lucy traded a glance and Lucy shut the door. They were gone. \n\nThe strength faded out of my shoulders and collapsed down on the floor and sobbed. \n\n***\n\n“Oh good she’s crying her eyes out,” Andy said. \n\nLucy cracked her neck, looking at the screen. “This one is great. I love when their ego works against them.”\n\n“When do we next want to go in?”\n\n“Wait a couple months,” Lucy said as she stared at the screen wide eyed. Her face was flushed, her chest was rising and falling, and her pupils were dilated. “I want to enjoy her before we break her. Torture for eternity is great, but I want to savor her while she still has some spirit.”\n\n“As you say, Lucifer,” Andy bowed and retreated.\n\n***\n\n(minor edits - grammatical only)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Drunkenly, you accidentally pour vodka into your pet's water bowl. As a result, your pet breaks the number one rule: do not speak to your owner... Ever." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Ya know what drives me FUCKIN' wild bro?\"slurs a purring drawl from John's left.\n\nJohn jumps, alarmed, and looks about his room, seeing nothing but a lump catapulting to his lap in a slump of warmth and weight.\n\n\"Is' that we got ALL these...hmmph\"the mass stretches, barring teeth in a relaxed smile, \"all these MOUSES, but you don't like a one of 'em.\"\n\nJohn looks down, perplexed. \"Otto?\"\n\n\"Iss' like you don care NOTHIN' bout your health, ya know? Now I know you aren't, you know, bright or nothin', but I don't get how you can just be such a big uncaring FUCK when I go out'n do somethin nice for you. Like, okay. You need to eat, right?\"\n\n\"Uh, Otto?!\"\n\n\"Nono John, is okay, I know you do. You need to eat, so I bring ya food. Good food, some fuckin mouses, I mean who the fuck don't like mouses? But with you is fuckin' all 'naaaaaah man, fuck you, I wanna fuckin' starve and not be strong or no shit like that.' The fuck is up with it, bro?\"\n\n\"You're talking!\"\n\nOtto looks around, eyes slightly wider. \"Yeah, I guess ya right... I am talkin'. Shiiiiit, bro...\"Otto's head slumps back, \"I all up n' forgot we weren't supposed to do that.\"He sulks for a moment, not saying anything for a long time. \"Eh...\"he finally says. \"Guess the cat's out of the bag, no?\"\n\n\"What the fuck? Have you always been able to talk?\"John inquires.\n\n\"I dunno, John, have I always not had testicles?\"\n\nJohn says nothing to this. Otto suddenly turns serious.\n\n\"I was born with a large, barbed, cock, John, and you took tha' joy from me. This is why every time you rub my beautiful, fluffy belly, ya get bitted. This is why I stand at the door like I wanna go out, but then when its open, I just go back inside. This is why I poisoned your mother on that rainy night in Topeka.\"\n\nJohn stands there, shocked as his former feline friend rains bombs of truth upon him.\n\n\"I had a gift, John, and I will never, ever forgive you.\"Upon uttering this phrase, Otto stumbles clumsily from the bed, bumping the door on his way out. \"I have to go, now. The Agency should be here any minute.\"\n\n\"Will... Will I ever see you again?\"\n\nOtto turns, a slight smile on his lips. \"In hell, John. In hell.\"\n\n---\n\n(I'm glad people seem to be liking this! Feedback and criticism is appreciated.)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Everyone is born with dice that they need to roll before attempting anything major. The super powered are those born with more than a 20 sided dice allowing them to do feats beyond human. An ordinary human usually has a six sided dice. Despite being born with a coin you still want to be a hero." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "“Oh, if it isn’t the d2.”\n\nI let out a frustrated sigh. Nonetheless, I kept walking. Maybe today, they’d just give up.\n\n“I’m talking to you, idiot! Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me!”\n\nNo such luck. I turned around to see Leon staring in my face, his goons trailing behind him. \n\n“Please just leave me alone,” I pleaded, as I watched him menacingly advance.\n\n“You can’t take a hint, can you?” he jeered, taking a few steps towards me. I backed into a corner of the corridor, heart racing. I was trapped, surrounded by Leon and his massive gang. “Why did you even come to this school? You can’t even achieve anything in your life. You’re just a d2.”\n\n“That’s… not true…” I started to say, tears streaming down my face. It wasn’t fair…\n\nEveryone’s life revolved around their dice. Everyone was born with a unique die, which determined the limits of their abilities. Every major action was just another roll to determine success and failure. The high flying in society had upwards of twenty-, thirty- or even sixty-sided dice, granting them superhuman powers like super strength, super memory or even obscure powers like immunity to disease.\n\nI was born with a two-sided dice. A coin. It wasn’t even anything special. A dull shade of grey, with a simple letter ‘H’ on one side and ‘T’ on the other. I dreamed of being a hero, someone with superhuman powers myself, someone who could fight for what I wanted. But I never really used it for much, since I couldn’t ever roll high numbers. It was pointless. Everything I would ever do would always be mediocre.\n\n“It is, and maybe the sooner you accept that,” he reached into his pocket, pulling out a glistening die, and dropping it on the floor. “The sooner you will know your place.”\n\nThe twenty-sided die spun around in a circle, before landing straight on the number 20. Leon laughed out loud.\n\n“You know what? It’s your lucky day,” he scoffed, flexing his muscles. I looked around for an escape plan, but there was none. All I could do was stay rooted to the spot, frozen in fear at what was to come.\n\nAnd then he attacked. All I could feel was an explosion in my stomach, pain tearing up my eyes, as a sea of colours swam before my field of vision. I collapsed to the floor, writhing in pain, as his gang of unruly followers guffawed and cheered him on.\n\n“A natural 20,” he said. “How fitting. Bet you’ve never experienced such a thing before, right? Sucks to be you, loser.” He kneeled down in front of me, and reached into my pocket.\n\n“What are you doing?” I protested, barely able to speak. Leon retrieved my lucky coin from my pocket, and stood up.\n\n“Look at it, how cute,” he flipped it over in his hand. “It’s almost as small and insignificant as you are.”\n\n“Stop it!” I shouted, struggling to get on my feet, but a sharp pain in my wrist caused me to cry out. \n\n“Heads or tails?” he sneered, as he tossed it into the air. It landed with a resounding clang. He glanced at the coin on the ground.\n\n“Heads,” he muttered. “It really is your lucky day, isn’t it?” He asked, as he prepared his fist for another punch.\n\n“I said, stop it!” I shouted. I had enough. Somehow, the pain felt lesser as I could feel adrenaline coursing through my veins. Standing up, and with a mighty swing, I slammed my fist into his chest. I saw his eyes widen in surprise as the force catapulted him across the corridor into the wall on the other end. His followers gasped in shock but did nothing.\n\n“Hmph, you got lucky, kid,” Leon said, as he brushed the dirt off his clothes. “Don’t think you’ve won. A puny d2 like you can never defeat a d20 like me. I’m destined for greatness.”\n\nWith that, he was gone. He walked away and his gang followed him, somewhat reluctantly. I could feel an air of tension lingering in the air as he disappeared.\n\nImmediately, the pain returned. I dropped to the ground, rubbing my sore stomach. A glint on the floor caught my eye. It was my coin, shinier than I remember. Heads was facing up.\n\nCuriously, I picked it up and inspected it. It looked the same as ever. The coin that had been with me through trials and tribulations.\n\nEverything anyone did was governed by dice. A higher roll meant a better result… or did it? Was my coin ever really a two-sided die? It didn’t have numbers. It only had results.\n\nHeads, or tails.\n\nSuccess, or failure.\n\n“I want to be a hero,” I said, as I flipped the coin.\n\n---\nThis is my second ever writing prompt response, hope you enjoyed it!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "It was then Harry Potter realized the last 7 years in Hogwarts was actually a mental institute. The man he thought to be Dumbledore was just an elderly caretaker. Harry, looking at an old broken twig he once believed was a wand, started to remember what really happened during those years." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"This... is the Chamber of Secrets?\"Harry asks, wide eyed as he stepped inside the gloomy room. A chair lay in the center of the room, next to a table full of strange machinery. The wires leading out of the machines were tied together to resemble a thick strand of rope. The doctor points the thick strand out to Harry. \"This is what you thought was the Basilisk.\"\n\n\"These beautiful black orbs in front of the chair,\"the doctor continues, \"Are the newest in electroconvulsive therapy. Without causing the physical trauma of direct electrical impulses, it only triggers certain neurons in the brain that we can specifically target. They caused you to constantly lose all physical mobility because of which you refused to look at them. In your mind these were the eyes of the Basilisk.\"\n\nHarry staggered backward, his head spinning with the sheer magnitude of the reality shaking his foundation. \"What about my parents? Are they alive then?\"\n\n\"Harry...\"the doctor says, sympathetically. \"I know all this is difficult to take in, but you're a wonderful human being. Your parents never understood what was wrong with you. They blamed you for being born the way you were, what they described as \"lacking any semblance of wit or intelligence\", and left you in our care. When they tried explaining to you that they were leaving for good, it just wouldn't get through to you. After they deserted you here, you conjured up an intricate story where they died protecting you. Because that's how your mind works. It can't handle any more trauma. It is stretched to its absolute limits.\"\n\nHarry almost fell to his knees. He fought back the tears and the feeling of defeat creeping into his heart. His parents were never around anyway. There was a more important question in his mind. But could he conjure enough strength to ask?\n\n\"Ron... Hermione..\"Harry somehow managed to sputter out.\n\n\"Harry, your parents left you because they blamed you for not being normal, for lacking simple intelligence. A part of you understood their betrayal, but the rest of you refused to acknowledge that reality. In your world, your two best friends are those that embody those very qualities. Loyalty and intelligence. Ron and Hermione.\"\n\nHarry was weeping now, like a child that had tasted grief for the very first time. Everything was a lie. All of it. Everyone was a figment of his crippled imagination; how was he supposed to live in the real world if the one he spent most of his life in never existed? In the midst of all the crying, Harry felt the doctor's hand on his shoulder.\n\n\"You're wondering what is true and what isn't, I know. It is difficult to be diseased, and somehow, harder when you're cured. Suddenly the world is nothing like you have known it. But Harry, isn't recovery a form of magic? For most of your life, your parents locked you in a closet under the stairs, refusing to tell the world about you because they were embarrassed of your predicament. For seven years, you held a broken twig in your hand, ran into walls over and over convinced that there was something magical on the other side. You mumbled constantly about fulfilling some prophecy and about beating some Dark Lord and surviving to tell the tale. And here you are. Your world is still full of magic. Like we heard you say out loud one night- you are a wizard, Harry. And despite all the unfortunate losses, setbacks and misforunes you have endured, you made it. To us, those who have constantly witnessed broken beings wither away, of seeing sanity die a slow death between these walls, you will always be The Boy Who Lived.\"\n\nr/whiteshadowthebook\n\nEdit: Thank you for the Platinum, Gold and Silver, kind strangers :) Also a big hug to everyone else for leaving such beautiful comments and for all the love, thank you so much again!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "After abducting one of the 'humans', scientists believed they were a prey species with no drive. The specimen captured was the picture of subservience, doing anything asked of it once the translators were active. And 'subservient' was all the military needed to hear." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The speaker spat out another request. Obligingly I jumped 7 times on one foot. The aliens began a spirited discussion.\n\nThey either didn't know about implantable microtech, or they were blindingly incompetent. Either way they'd failed to block my net access. It'd taken me much less time to get their language translated than they took to learn mine.\n\nI listened to the science types proudly announcing the tractability of humankind. Their war leader seemed disappointed. I think he'd been hoping for a fight. Their economic chief was much more excited. He had all kinds of questions about diet, temperature ranges, and breeding cycles.\n\nWhile they chatted, I uploaded the latest clips to the socials and added some commentary. Since I had nothing better to do, I also made a couple of still image memes. WE CAN HAZ CONQUEST? promptly went viral.\n\nI was enjoying an entertaining collage of romantic and financial solicitations my assistant had put together when the speaker started up again. Apparently I was going to have a prestigious role in the upcoming assimilation of the human species into the Xergrl'lian Empire.\n\nThe speech went on for far longer than it needed to, full of long winded reassurances and words like \"uplift\"and \"civilization\". I smiled and nodded. I've worked in customer service and I know better than to argue when someone wants something stupid. \n\nBesides, they were about to take me back to earth. Who was I to tell them what kind of horrible mistake they were making?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "It's been ten years since 'The Gap' when everyone on the planet just lost an entire year of their lives. Completely unable to recall anything that happened during that time-frame. We know life went on, but no one can recall anything. Then, you find one half-burned book and know why we forgot." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One night, ten years ago, I fell asleep on my friend’s couch after a night of heavy drinking.\n\nOne morning, ten years ago, I woke up on an airplane, 38,000 feet in the air. \n\nWe called it ‘The Gap’. \n\nWhen humanity woke that day, we found that a year had passed. Somehow, our bodies had kept moving, our lives had continued - but we remembered none of it. \n\nResearchers and scientists devoted millions of manhours to the search. There were no records of that year, no artifacts that could tell us what happened. Everything, from internet records to personal journals, that contained information from that year was destroyed.\n\nWell, almost everything.\n\nOne morning, two days ago, I found it.\n\nA half-burned journal with the events of 2020.\n\nMassive fires. Locust swarms. A pandemic that spread across the world. As the year went on, the events grew stranger and stranger. The pandemic worsened. The climate changed faster and faster. A series of solar flares wiped out most of our electrical infrastructure. It was as though the universe itself had been trying to wipe out humanity. \n\nPeople started to go missing, whole cities at a time. Others started acting stranger and stranger. World leaders became erratic and unreliable, especially in the wake of the solar flares. Nobody opposed them. \n\nA dozen secret organizations revealed themselves. Fighting broke out. The Illuminati won out against the Collective, but were in turn defeated by the Foundation. \n\nAh, the Foundation.\n\nUnlike the others, they didn’t want to rule. They didn’t want anything besides the preservation of humanity.\n\nThey told us that they’d been protecting us for years. That one of their Reality Anchors had failed, and that the universe itself was warping. \n\nWe could see it happen. Street lamps twisted themselves into knots. The earth warped and twisted beneath our feet. Skyscrapers appeared in the middle of fields. A jungle sprouted up in Manhattan. The sky rippled and twisted on a daily basis. Some days, we had to wear gas masks just to go outside. \n\nContinents moved like sailing ships. Pangea came again in the space of a single week. Anything not under direct observation by a set of human eyes could, and did, change. Coffee turned to gasoline. Gravity would invert itself in a single city block, then be entirely normal in the next block.\n\nWe rallied behind the Foundation in a global effort never seen before. They built a machine - a reset device, they called it. It would calm the ripples in spacetime, bring us back to where we were. The catch?\n\nWell, none of us would remember a thing. I suppose the Foundation was happy about that.\n\nThe Reality Reset took place on December 31st, 2020. It wiped everything two hours before a meteor was due to strike the surface of the Earth. \n\nThe Foundation destroyed any records of that year. They said it would be disruptive to the fabric of society. I suppose they missed one thing.\n\nOr I suppose they didn’t.\n\nAs I write this, I see two vans pulling into my driveway. I’m not expecting guests.\n\nBut before I go, I should record one last thing. One thing the book mentioned.\n\n2020 wasn’t the first time reality reset.\n\nAnd it won’t be the last.\n\n---\n\n*Like this story? Want to read more? Subscribe to /r/OneMillionWords*" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You die and find yourself in hell, where apparently everyone spends time to negate their sins before they go to heaven. The guy in front of you, who cheated on his wife, gets 145 years. Feeling like you led a fairly average and peaceful life, you’re not worried. You get 186,292 years." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"NUMBER 117737.\"\n\nAnxious and bewildered, you step up to the counter, behind which sits a very bored looking young man wearing a name tag that says GARY. He takes your ticket and asks, \"Name?\"\n\n\"John Smith. But this has to be a mistake. I don't belong in hell. I lived a good, honest life.\"\n\n\"Yep, that's what they all say.\"Gary clacks away at his computer, a large, boxy, surprisingly outdated machine, pulling up your records. \n\n\"I was! I was faithful to my wife, took care of my kids, always paid my taxes. I even called my mother once a week! There must have been some kind of mistake.\"\n\n\"Nope.\"A little machine, not unlike a receipt printer, spits out a small slip of paper. Gary tears it off and hands it to you. \"That's your sentence. If you go to your left, you'll find a set of elevators. Insert your slip, and it'll take you to the Liaison's Office, where you'll be given your assignment.\"He recites this in the monotonous, droning manner of a person reading from a script.\n\n\"186,292 years! But the guy in front of me only got 145! And he was cheating on his wife! I never cheated on my wife! I was a good family man.\"\n\nWith a beleaguered sigh, Gary swivels the computer screen to face you. \"What does it say here under occupation?\"\n\nYou squint to read the tiny print. \"Pest control specialist.\"\n\n\"Exactly. You, Mr. Smith, are single-handedly responsible for the death and suffering of over one billion living creatures over your thirty-year career as an exterminator.\"\n\n\"What?! But it was just mice and rats and bugs. They don't count, they're pests!\"\n\n\"Article 7, section 3A clearly states that the purposeful taking of life in any form, no matter how inconsequential, warrants an automatic conscription to Hell.\"\n\n\"I was just doing my job!\"\n\nGary rolls his eyes. \"Do you know how many times a day I hear that? Move along, you're holding up the line.\"\n\nFlabbergasted, you step away from the counter, staring down at your little slip of paper. \n\n\"NUMBER 117738.\" \n\n " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "When you die the afterlife is an arena where you face every insect and animal you killed in your life. If you win you go to heaven, lose you go to hell. Your job was an exterminator on earth." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Are you sure I have to do this?\"Steve asked. He nervously thumbed the can of insecticide on his waist. At least they had provided him with that much - the can, and his old work uniform. He wished they had done more. \n\n\"Afraid so, Steven.\"St. Peter said, laying a warm hand on his shoulder. \"It's the same for everyone, and everything. Heaven may be large, but it is not infinitely so. We're simply running out of space. For what it's worth, I'm sorry.\"\n\n\"But...everything we've ever killed? Is that really necessary?\"Steven said. \"It seems a little...cruel, if you ask me. Even if they win, hundreds will have to die again.\"\n\nTo Steven's surprise, the angel chuckled. \"Only the ones with souls, Steven.\"He said. \"Just be glad that you aren't a hunter. Or that God, in his infinite wisdom, neglected to give bacteria access to paradise. Truly, *that* would be a match made in hell.\"\n\nSteven swallowed, then nodded. \"Ok...I think I'm ready.\"He said. \n\n\n\"Very well then, Steven.\"Said Peter. \"Close your eyes, and we can begin.\"\n\nSteven closed his eyes. Almost immediately, however, the sound of cheering made him open them again. He was in an arena much like the Colosseum, complete with red-sand floor and stands filled to the brim with shining spirits. They seemed to blend together into a single mass of rainbow hue, so much so that he couldn't tell where one ended and the next began. Sensing something was expected of him, he raised his hand, and the cheer redoubled in volume. Strangely, however, he seemed to be alone - not a trace of his competition seemed to be present. \n\n\"Combatants! Are you ready?\"Cried a voice that echoed from all directions. \n\n\"I...I am...\"Steven replied. Still, he saw no sign of his opponent. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw it: A singular cockroach, barely an inch long, standing not fifty feet in front of him. \n\n\"Begin!\"Cried the voice. \n\nThe cockroach rushed him. It tore across the sand, baring down on him with what must have been incredible speed for the species - but it still took several seconds before it could close the gap between. By then, Steven was ready. With instincts born from years of honing his craft, he raised his boot, dropped it...and it was done. The beast was no more. \n\nThe crowd seemed to wince, growing silent for a moment before erupting into cheers even louder than before. \n\n\"Excellent, Steven!\"Cried the announcer. \"You have beaten your first opponent! Would you like to take a rest, to reconvene on the morrow, or shall you have another?\"\n\n\"Er, uh...I think I can take another?\"Steven said uncertainly. \n\n\"He says another!\"Confirmed the announcer. \"Send in the next opponent!\"\n\nThe crowd went wild. \n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "An immortal is experiencing the heat death of the universe, when he can hear the sounds of confetti, and blasting music. The music stops with a record scratch, and a bewildered voice can be heard saying: \"Wait...one's still here?\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "**I**t started with the beginning. A crescendo of burning light, of cleansing, purifying fire. Sound and force and heat exploded into the void, filling it with love and life and laughter. Stars roared in existence, smoldering in the darkness of eternal twilight. When the candle light faded and snuffed into smoke, the planets were born, warped and shaped by the tender, loving hands of gravity. \n\nThey all twirled, caught in the arms of physics as they danced an eternal ballet, a testament to the Creation itself.\n\nThen, from the blue depths, came life. At first, it crawled meekly out of its nutrient soup, spreading itself across the barren desert as a green carpet, lush and soft; fed by the stars that held them, Life grew and changed, as Life does, into new and exciting forms. It flew and leaped and ran from the primordial sea, a vast tide of shapes and forms that, with time, forgot the movement of the stars, the music of the heavens.\n\nAnd then, once uncountable millennia had passed and some of the first stars had breathed their last, Life remembered. It gazed up, in the twinkling, spinning and beauty, it saw itself reflected back. A spark had been ignited, unlike any seen before.\n\nAcross the cosmos, Life awakened, spurred on by the glimmer of the night sky. They built cities, warped the land and molded other, lesser Life into useful shapes. With time the secrets of the Universe, the hidden notes in the song revealed themselves, bright and wonderful. Using them, they ascended to even greater heights, attempting to reach their star, to touch its fiery heart.\n\nHowever, the light within them began to fade. The awe and wonder they held for the heavens were gone, erased with each discovery, each sharp, crisp note. Bonds of love or hate that held them began to slip, their vision faded back into the inky black. They desired to wield the power of the gods, to smite their foes and create their own Life, untouched and unique from anything that spun itself before.\n\nThey wished for immortality.\n\nTo smite their foes they crafted bolts of pure energy, which crackled and hummed with unnatural power. To create new Life, they sung horrid, foul tunes to force matter to dance unholy jigs to continue Life's legacy.\n\nThen, with all their arrogance and hate, they gifted themselves eternal life.\n\nAt first, nothing happened. The years went on, the cycle of life brewed specifically for them melted back into the Void as Life created a new one for itself. Life conquered other planets, not with steel and blood but lightning and hellfire. It colonized a thousand worlds and raped a hundred thousand more. Bombing and warping and burning, it attempted to remake the Universe its vision, to confine to their views. The stars wept tears of molten flame and devised it was time to silence their insolent brats they had brought into the world.\n\nWith a final fiery tear, the worlds of Life were consumed, wreaths of heat and radiation washing over them in a never ending stream. Boiling ichor that Life had once desired so strongly bathed them and Life screamed.\n\nAll but one died. a Traveler, Hermit, Outcast, Criminal, a thousand other titles, and grievances begot his name. He flew silently into the quiet, frozen night, surfing eddies of gravity and propelled with solar winds. The molten chains and whips that the Stars lashed his fellows with missed him, throwing him deeper into the Void.\n\nHe floated there, suspended like the countless cybernetics Life had produced. Immortal, unchanging, unforgiving, he sped on, the Stars hounding him at every turn.\n\nBut now, even gods can die.\n\nThe Stars forget about the Traveller, the thought pushed from their minds as their glow became fainter and fainter in the twilight. To survive they ate their children, the planets and moons and asteroids, burning them in their furnace hearts. What little, alien Life survived was eradicated as the vibrant song of Creation softly began to close.\n\nThen, with a final, hollow gasp, the melody stopped.\n\nEverything fell from its place, the stars winking out one by one, unable to endure the maddening silence. And yet, the Hermit continued to go on, sailing on the eternal black sea, carried by what little gravitational tides remained.\n\nFinally, the minute energy left in the Universe, the final pulse present after death, sparked into nothingness.\n\nAll was quiet. Silent.\n\nAnd the Outcast awoke.\n\nThe Void opened its vast black eyes, fished from her deep slumber, and said, “What are you doing? You're supposed to be dead,”\n\n“I am the Traveller, the Hermit, the Outcast, the Criminal and more. What is your name,” he whispered.\n\n“I am the Void. I am the nothing. The pit of darkness. The never ending silence. You should be dead,” cooed the Void, impressed at by the spirit of the Traveller.\n\n“I am bound, but not alive. What I am is a mockery, not a proud King or fat Bishop but a blind Fool. I am here to steal your heart” He replied.\n\n“Is that so? How do you endeavor to do this? Hmm, little Traveller? What will you do to me? I am everything and nothing,” mocked the Void.\n\n“You forget I’m the Criminal,” grinned the Traveller.\n\nReaching out into the savage maw, plunging deep into the hidden cavity of the Void, the Traveller plucked out her heart and tossed it into the darkness.\n\nAnd with that, there was light." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "As you die, you wake up in a fiery place. You quickly realize you're in hell. You ask the next demon why you are there, as you lived a very good life. \"You're not being punished,\"he says. \"You are the punishment.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "[Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditserials/comments/hotysq/let_the_little_children_come_to_me_chapter_2_for/)\n___\nThe little girl walked through the flames but they didn't hurt her. They danced around her toes in a playful way and felt refreshing, like bathwater. She shivered in pleasure at the sensation and closed her eyes.\n\nSomething was wrong. These weren't the pearly gates that mama preached about, screamed about. These weren't what pastor promised, nor were they what he told her she would never see.\n\nSo they had been right after all. Sherie wasn't going to heaven. She was a bad girl, bad for making mama and papa so unhappy, bad for making troubles between them.\n\nThe strangest thing about it was that she liked this place so much more than did she the idea of the stark white and dizzying clouds of heaven. Sherie didn't like heights, not after spending so many hours locked out on the roof when she messed up and broke something. This place was a cave. It was warm and safe and hidden.\n\nThen she heard a noise and she looked up. At the mouth of the cave was a tall man with red skin and a big nose. His eyes were soft and when he saw Sherie dipping her toe into a thick, flowing river of magma, he smiled and rushed to her side.\n\n\"Ah, you're awake.\"His rumbling voice reminded Sherie of the one time her parents brought her in the mall to see a rather large Santa. It had been a good day, even if mama and papa got in a fight on the way home. \"How was the transition?\"\n\n\"Am I in hell?\"\n\nHe looked taken aback by the somber question, the big brown eyes that stared up at him in earnest. \"Well, yes, technically.\"\n\nTo his sorrow, the child didn't protest. A little girl of maybe seven, learning that she'd been potentially sent to burn for eternity and she didn't even pout. Instead, she closed her eyes and smiled.\n\n\"I thought it would be more miserable. Mama always said the hounds here would eat me alive in a minute and then continue to do so for all eternity.\"\n\n\"May I take your hand, Sherie?\"the red man asked. \"I won't touch you if you don't want.\"\n\nThe little girl regarded her small, dark hand and then pulled it to her chest, shaking her head.\n\nHe nodded. \"That's quite alright. Do you want to see where your parents are?\"\n\nShe looked at him, those deep eyes inquisitive. \"I can see into heaven?\"\n\n\"Sherie. Your parents are not in heaven.\"His voice broke a bit at the word.\n\n\"Hell is the home of the wicked, the evil. I read the bible. I read it every day. Wailing and gnashing of teeth. The pit.\"Her voice did not waver. \"If they and I are both here, God must truly hate the world.\"Then a little smile appeared on her lips. \"Don't tell Him, but I always secretly thought so.\"\n\nThe man shook his head. \"Both God and my master hate the world no more than the other. God loves the sinner and threatens him with us. But my master, oh, the wicked men of Earth thinks he loves them. They think if they do evil, they will be welcome here. They are not. Do you want to see your parents?\"\n\nSherie shivered again, a dark feeling settling on her. \"Yes.\"\n\nThe man stood up from his crouch and began walking her through the halls and caves. \"Heaven cannot punish the sinful, so they are sent here where we have the tools. However, you would be surprised how many of the good end up here too. Some simply don't like the aesthetic of heaven. Satan keeps them safe down here, for while God loves sinners and Satan hates them, they both love the good. God simply wants to hold their hand and guide them while Satan rather tries to make them prove their holiness.\"\n\nThere were people now in the hall. Sherie waved at a few. Many waved back but their smiles were sad.\n\n\"Do they miss living?\"she asked.\n\n\"Some do. That's not why their eyes turn down though. They're just sad to see you here.\"\n\n\"Why?\"\n\n\"When I say many don't like the aesthetic of heaven, it's because the good that live in hell are often here because, though they are good, they do not feel they have earned heaven. They lived lives where they were beaten, hurt, harmed. Heaven with its white light and holy music feels foreign and wrong to them. Hell damns the sinners but comforts the hurt. They know you're here because you were hurt.\"\n\n\"So I wasn't bad?\"\n\nThe demon looked away, his eyes burning. They said that in the afterlife, the good would feel no pain, but he was simply a guardian of the place. He helped Satan run it and that sometimes meant delivering to the punished their punishment.\n\n\"In hell, none can hide behind hate and apathy,\"he continued, unable to address her question without losing composure. \"Your parents will only be able to see you as you truly are. Not as the monster they somehow convinced themselves you were.\"\n\nThen they reached a door, an iron gate, and the demon pushed it open. \"You will find this place perhaps scary. Do not fear. I will protect you.\"\n\nAs they walked, Sherie kept close to him. There were pits around them and inside were people. The little girl did not flinch, for she had studied her bible fully and knew these people were wicked. However, she did reach up a soft hand to clasp a single, rough finger on the tall demon, in a gesture he would never forget.\n\nThey turned off down the hallway after a short while of walking and found two people in a pit. The two wailed, their faces burnt but recognizable.\n\nHer parents.\n\nWhen they saw Sherie, their moans turned to screams but Sherie watched them impassively.\n\n\"I should pity them.\"\n\n\"No,\"said the demon. \"Perhaps you would on Earth, but here things are just. Nostalgia and gaslighting will not cloud your might from judgment. Just as hate will not cloud theirs from the horrors of what they've done.\"\n\nSherie looked up at him. \"Then I am to punish them?\"\n\n\"They suffer punishment plenty,\"the demon said. \"You only may punish them as you see fit, when you please.\"\n\nShe nodded solemnly, looking back at the pleading pair. Then back to the demon.\n\n\"What about Earth? Can I go back?\"\n\nHe frowned. \"Nobody really asks that. Earth is cold and hard and unforgiving. Things are not just there. Why would you want to return?\"\n\n\"I don't want to live again. It really is lovely here and I don't mean to insult your home. Just to visit.\"\n\nHe knelt down next to her and pushed a dark curl out of her face. \"Did you have friends back there? People you loved?\"\n\nShe shook her head. \"No. People I hate. I never met the children of my parents' friends but I know what they did. I want to help the little children of Earth. I want to punish the wicked. I want to make the hurting stop.\"\n\nThe man nodded and stood up. \"Then, child, we will make another stop. Your wish will be brought before the Lord of Hell himself. Let us go pay Satan a visit and see if we can't make this quest of yours manifest.\"\n___\nRead more stories at [r/TalesByOpheliaCyanide](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalesByOpheliaCyanide/)\n\n[Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditserials/comments/hotysq/let_the_little_children_come_to_me_chapter_2_for/)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "At once, and everywhere, each living person has heard a voice in their head: \"Hey! It's me, God. I've noticed there's a lot of confusion, so I've created a website called 'Will I go to hell and why dot com'. Just write your name in the search bar. And don't forget to share, like and subscribe.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "..and why dot com\n\nI woke up after hearing that. It was a very lucid dream. Far more than any other I had. I was plain awake, but decided in grabbing my phone. Just to feel safe and reassure myself that it was a dream.\n\nThe webpage started to load and..\n\n\"Maximiliam Smith. Heaven.\"\n\nI stared, unflinching. Was this a joke? But in my quiet room, in the night, nobody was laughing. I did heard a few screams outside my apartment. But the screen called to me. There were two other paragraphs.\n\n\"Worked hard and persevered through the tier 1 problem provided by the DD (Divine Department) in his psyche. Saved 3 lifes unawarely. Expected result was suicide due to depression at 20 and a would-be reward at our DRCSS (Divine Rehab Center for Sad Souls). Actual result was hard working to keep his sick mother well and a 7.8 average in empathy towards the ones around him. Potential candidate to work at DD as manager and virtue provider.\"\n\nI started crying. Fuck. Was this a dream? Fuck. There was another paragraph which I read through foggy eyes.\n\nYour effort was noted. Well done :)\n\n\\-G\n\n​\n\nBeneath the signature there were a few buttons.\n\n\\-Deep detail analysis\n\n\\-Statistics\n\n\\-What about my friends?\n\n\\-Will I see my dog?\n\n\\-Contact us\n\n​\n\nI let my tears flow.\n\n​\n\nEdit - Part2: [https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/cw3owk/wp\\_at\\_once\\_and\\_everywhere\\_each\\_living\\_person\\_has/eyacrrx?utm\\_source=share&utm\\_medium=web2x](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/cw3owk/wp_at_once_and_everywhere_each_living_person_has/eyacrrx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Aliens take over the Earth. They then announce that they will be forcing the humans to work a \"tyrannical\"4 hours a day 4 days a week in exchange for basic rights like housing. Needless to say they are very confused when the humans celebrate their new alien overlords." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I finished my speech, fully prepared for the usual spectacle of protests and outrage. I take no pleasure in those but centuries of analysis and prosperity proved our way as superior and most efficient.\n\nHowever cruel it is.\n\nI certainly didn’t expect this unusual noise the humans started producing. It took my communications specialist the long Earth minute to identify and then confirm the noise as “cheering”.\n\nWere these humans that distraught by our demands that they went into mass hysteria? No, the specialist confirmed, the reaction appeared to be genuine.\n\nHowever weird it was.\n\nIn the following weeks, I have met with the representatives of the power elite. The world leaders, their richest and most powerful individuals.\n\nContrary to my expectations, they didn’t beg me to spare their workforce. Quite the opposite, in fact.\n\n“The economy will collapse!” One of them said, his tone identified as ‘condescending’. “If you give everyone homes and healthcare, nobody will want to work! You are just giving everyone a handout!”\n\nThere was a lot of the same sentiment from their communication networks. The same demands to be given more work and more scarcity.\n\nApparently, that is what their previous rulers considered “motivation”.\n\nThe lower classes of the population, on the other hand, appeared almost disturbingly cheerful.\n\nOur empire has conquered vast galaxies and countless worlds. And everywhere we went, the lower classes wept with despair over the tyranny we imposed on them. But humans were different.\n\nThey met us with praise, warmth and worship. I would have enjoyed it if I were not so busy trying to figure out why.\n\nEventually, we chose one of them to conduct an interview with. I asked her why they were enjoying our rule.\n\nHer answer was the most shocking.\n\n“Why not?”\n\n“Your planet is currently under occupation by the foreign species,” I said firmly, intending to leave no room for our translators to misinterpret. “You spent one sixth of your day working.”\n\nThe young woman looked at me like I was a child. Or a jester. Then she realised I was serious.\n\n“We used to work a third of the day, at the minimum,” she said. I heard it. But I refused to believe it. That was not an efficient use of the daily cycle. “Five or six days a week depending on how anal the management would get with you.”\n\nI checked whether our translators were working right. Eight hours a day at least? That would leave only sixteen hours to maintain the healthy bodily functions. Half of that would go to hibernation alone!\n\n“Even the good jobs don’t really differ much. See, my brother used to work at one of those big hedge funds. Really big money. But there was also the whole thing about showing your face around so he spent almost half a day there.”\n\nHalf? Willingly?\n\n“So… since we are talking here, may I ask a question?”\n\nI nodded.\n\n“Why all the perks?” She sounded sincere. “I mean, I am enjoying all the free time and not having to worry that an ambulance ride will bankrupt me but… I think a lot of us are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”\n\nI looked at my increasingly frustrated translator. He clarified that she was talking about consequences or, as they said, “catch”.\n\n“There is none.”\n\n“None at all? No eating our young or old?”\n\n“We have developed the sufficiently sustainable food systems. We implement those across all our occupied territories.”\n\n“Solving the world hunger, too, huh?” She smiled. “Okay, so why the free housing and healthcare? There is seven billion of us, after all.”\n\n“We are the efficient species. Providing you with those ensures the longevity of your service for the empire.”\n\n“And you are not going to, I don’t know, harvest us for our organs or something? Right?”\n\n“All due respect but we have evolved far beyond what your bodies could provide us with.”\n\n“Good. Just checking.”\n\nThe young woman was soon let go. I stayed in my war room way past the allocated four hours of workday.\n\nWe came here as the conquerors.\n\nI never thought we would be this species’ saviours.\n\nEDIT: Woah, that is a lot of praise. Should I write a Part 2?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You gained immortality by absorbing thousands of souls. They have gotten used to it and act like Twitch chat watching a livestream of your life." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Hey--\" \n\n\"No,\"she said, not even looking up from her book. \n\n>Can we get an F in the soulscape? \n> \n>F \n> \n>F \n> \n>F \n> \n>What the fuck does F mean? \n> \n>Tap into the hivemind loser\n\n\"Sorry, I just wanted to ask if you knew where the library was. I'm meeting a friend there.\"\n\n>I'm new, are we actually meeting someone? \n> \n>No \n> \n>I have all the friends I need right here \n> \n>Gay \n> \n>Imagine being over 1200 years old and still having negative game \n> \n>Spent most of that sleeping I think \n> \n>The days of axe murder are over, now begins the days of awkward pick-ups\n\nThe girl looked up. \"Dude, the library is literally ten miles away.\"\n\n\"I like walking.\"\n\n>FUCKING WHAT \n> \n>I LIKE WALKING \n> \n>I, too, used to like walking. \n> \n>Waddling, you mean \n> \n>He used to be fat? \n> \n>We gained fifty pounds eating his soul alone \n> \n>It took so long to walk off\n\nThe girl burst out laughing. \n\nThe host's expression was frozen on an awkward smile. He finally sighed and asked, \"Do you want to get coffee sometime?\"\n\n>The balls on this man \n> \n>The bravery \n> \n>The sheer audacity \n> \n>As a woman, I want to die again \n> \n>There was a woman watching this? Oh no \n> \n>Big yikes \n> \n>Also a woman. Can confirm, I want to die again \n> \n>There are dozens of us. Dozens!\n\n\"Sure, I guess,\"the girl said, settling for a moment before laughing a little more. \n\n\"I know a pretty good place a block from here if you have time now.\"\n\n\"Okay. Let's go,\"she said, getting up from the bench. \n\n>WHAT THE FUCK HOW \n> \n>THE GOD \n> \n>Such bullshit \n> \n>I am literally returning to the aether as we speak \n> \n>Take me with you \n> \n>Ladies, can y'all explain what just happened? \n> \n>I DON'T KNOW EITHER \n> \n>I mean we can ask once she gets here, right?" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "After death, you find out that you can choose how and when to be reincarnated. Initially eager to be a futuristic human, you soon realize that every (more experienced) soul ahead of you in line is choosing to be a \"worm\"in the year 121 million BCE." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Juramaia, man\", the hazy figure in front of me in the queue said.\n\n\"It's this little thing, kind of a primordial shrew or something. Split off from the marsupials, closed up the pouch and grew a placenta instead. Size of your thumb. Doesn't look like anything much.\n\nWe don't know if it was something they ate, maybe some kind of herb too weird to ever evolve again, or maybe it was just because Juramaia got stuck with nature's first draft of the liver and kidneys. Whatever. But there was something in their urine, some molecule that never was before and never was again.\n\nAnd these little worms man, most primitive nervous system you can imagine. Just one big nerve really, not even a brain. Permeable skin like a frog. Orange blood.\n\nAnd when a Juramaia pisses on one of those worms that worm gets as high as fuck. Like, indescribably high. That molecule just zips right into them and lights them up like no other being in the universe ever got lit up.\n\nYou can go see the universe all over, from the bang to the heat death, if that's what you think you want. We've all been there. We've seen it all, we've done it all. There're dudes in this queue who are billions of billions of billions of years old. That's what eternity is.\n\nAnd none of us ever found nothing to beat being that worm. We're all going around again. Got nothing better to do, you know? The waiting's the hard part, in the queue, having a brain again, knowing you got to wait before you can go back to being the worm\".\n\nHe stepped forward one pace, said \"121 million BCE worm\"and vanished.\n\nAnd I stood at the head of the queue." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A genie is accidentally released when a cat rubs up against its lamp. Compelled to grant their 3 wishes, The genie starts losing their mind trying to figure out what the cat wants." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "*Finally!* I thought with glee as I felt my lamp being rubbed. It's been a long time since the last time I appeared in the material world and I was getting antsy. I knew plenty of genies that hated being summoned much less granting wishes but I liked it, no I craved it. Thinking how to reward the brave and pure, plotting to twist the wished of the evil and cruel. Seeing how the world changed, breathing fresh air, it was all a treat to me.\n\nI exploded out of the lamp, shooting multicolored sparks as I spun out in a tornado. I prided myself in making unique appearances every time. Finally I summoned a fanfare of horns and floated over my lamp, arms crossed and eyes wide in the classical appearance stance. \"Who summons me?! All powerful and magnificent? Tremble at my power and dare make your wishes!\"\n\nNo one was there. I looked about confused, the fanfare fading and the sparks slowing disappearing. \"Uh....hello? Genie here, my lamp was rubbed, ...wishes?\"Absolutely no one was near by. In fact I seemed to be in a construction type place. Tools, materials, large vehicle things are all around the area and my lamp poked out of the ground, obviously looking like it was buried and now exposed. *Figures. No one takes cares of lamps ever. Maybe I should change homes...wait. What was that noise?*\n\nI heard a low sound, a purring. I looked down and saw a small shape sitting primly, gazing up at me with lordly gaze. \"Oh hello kitten.\"I say in delight. I've always liked cats and I floated down to look at it face to face. It was a healthy looking animal, luxuriously grey with sparkling mischievous blue eyes. A pink tongue poked out of it lips as it licked a paw, staring at me calmly. I noticed a pink collar around it's neck. \"Smokey. That must be your name. Well hello Smokey. Do you know who rubbed my lamp?\"The cat just sat and stared at me, a faint look of disdain in its eyes that's inherent to most cats. Muttering I whisper a charm to see what touched my lamp. I notice some glowing fibers and saw thin grey hairs against the bronze metal. *Oh no....*\n\n\"Ok Smokey. Here's the deal. It's my job, no my duty, to grant the wishes of whoever rubs my lamp. Looks like that's you. Therefore I have to answer your wishes. And you must make the wishes that I can understand. You get me?\"Smokey yawns and lies down, eyes looking at me with bored indifference. \"Ohhhhhkaaayyyy, I'm going to assume that's a yes. Let's give it a shot. Hungry?\"\n\nI clapped my hands and gleaming silver trays and plates appeared. Chicken and fish sat on them, some raw, other steaming. \"Here's some good food for you kitty. How does that whet the palate?\" Smokey sniffs at the plates and turns it's head, flicking it's tail from side to side. \"Not hungry. Got it. Oh I know!\"My fingers snapped and a shower of toys fell around the cat. Balls, stuffed toys, scratching posts, all rained down. \"Every cat needs toys!\"\n\nSmokey didn't spare a single glance, eyes closing in obvious annoyance. I grind my teeth lightly. *Wish I could speak cat. Isn't that ironic.* A smile grew on my lips. \"Wait, don't tell me,\"I whispered conspiratorially. I rubbed my hands together and blew the air off an open palm. Plants grew around the cat, green stalks rising from the ground. \"Don't be shy Smokey. My old culture loved hookahs and all. How about some grade-A catnip. Tantalizing no?\" Smokey's ears flicked and it's eyes opened with interest, yet it remained still. \n\nAn hour later I literally bashed my head against a red metal pillar. The area looked like a pet store exploded yet the dammed cat still sat in a smug ball of stubborn hate. The thing was practically implacable and I was losing my mind. *The council is going to be pissed at me. Going to get demoted and fined and-* \"Hey! Where are you going?\" Smokey had leapt up and walked to one end of the construction area. It stopped, and looked back at me, eyes glaring with impatience. \"Guess I am supposed to follow you...\"I muttered as I grabbed my lamp and followed the hateful beast. \"This counts as a wish you know.\"\n\nI followed the feline for a few minutes and eventually found myself outside a plain but well used home. The cat climbed up a tree and leapt into an open window on the second floor. I was about to follow but paused at the ground floor window. Two adults, male and female, sat at a table obviously distressed. The male was crying and the female trying to comfort him. Another young one sat to a side, at the age where they felt their emotions yet didn't know why, wanting to be comforted. A yowl of exasperation tore through my thoughts and I rose, more confused than irritated.\n\nI floated through the window and gazed about the room. It was a child's room, small but comfortable. Some toys sat around and in the bed laid a little girl. She was sick, breathing with difficulty and skin an unhealthy pallor. Smokey sat by the girl on the bed, purring anxiously and nudging the girl. Her eyes flickered and a weak smile showed briefly. \"Hi kitty,\"she whispered. A thin hand brushed the cat's fur. \"Sorry I can't play. Don't feel good. Thank you for being here though. I wish...\"the hand fell and her eyes closed again, her breath rattling and new sweat appearing. \n\nI floated there, frozen and unsure. *Dammit dammit dammit. I can't. That I mean I want, but it's against, shit shit-* My own eyes prickled with tears, emotion I haven't felt in a long time and I wiped them away. A miow cut through again, and I felt a touch. Smokey sat on the nightstand, one paw against me. It's eyes held emotions many thought impossible, its ears back. The tail curled around its body and it looked at the child, then back at me. \n\n\"That's all I need. Clear as crystal.\"I placed my hands together palm to palm. I whispered soft words, a language haven't spoken in ages and my hands glowed. I leaned down and touched the girl's head. The glow spread from my hands to her body and immediately she began to change. Her pallor turned rosy, her breath eased. She stopped sweating, and her muscles relaxed, sleeping more easily. Smokey changed almost as fast. The ears perked up and the cat nudged the girl all over, as if inspecting her. It's tail stood straight up and after a few moments it sprang back to the night stand, happy purrs resonating throat as it looked at me though a contented half lidded gaze. \n\nI returned the obvious smirk. \"Yeah yeah, that's all your wishes. We good?\" Smokey nodded with noble insouciance and settled down by the girl, curling into a ball and purring happily. I started to float out and paused, looking back. I counted on my hand and sighed, snapping my fingers one more time. A fluffy stuffed bear appeared between the cat and the girl and the purrs grew louder. \"That's three.\"I said softly and drifted away, cradling my lamp in one arm. *I think the council will accept that. Man, maybe I need another long break. Or a cat language instructor...*\n\nEdit: Holy cow I don't deserve the gold! Thank you so much. I'm touched knowing so many people enjoyed it. Thank you. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"This is an Emergency Alert. Barricade all entries to your house. Do not go outside after sundown. Restrict contact with others. Do not enter tunnels during daytime. Do not make any light or noise between 6PM and 8AM. Stay inside your homes until dawn. Military aid is unavailable. Good luck.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\n**edit 3: Further updates will be posted in my subreddit /r/Ardarail, thanks for reading everyone!**\n\n- - - -\n\n \n\n\nI was watching the evening news when it started. The news anchor was cut off mid sentence by a loud, unbroken tone and the bright while bold letters began to scroll across screen.\n\n**WE'VE INTERRUPTED YOUR NORMAL VIEWING EXPERIENCE FOR THIS IMPORTANT NATIONAL SECURITY BROADCAST. IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT THAT YOU FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.**\n\nA monotone voice accompanied the words that appeared next.\n\n*This is a national emergency alert. Do not leave your homes between 6PM and 8AM. Do not make any light or noise between 6PM and 8AM. Barricade all entries to your house and cover your windows with opaque material. Exercise extreme caution when out during the day. Do not enter tunnels or other dark areas during the day. Restrict contact with all others including those claiming to be official persons. Military and police assistance is not available at this time.*\n\nI stared at the screen, mouth agape as the alert began to repeat its message again. My mouth felt dry and a cold sweat began to prickle at my back. Only the sudden wetness as I accidentally poured half my beer into my lap was enough to shake me from my shocked stupor.\n\n*Is this some kind of joke?* I thought as my pulled out I phone and began to record a video of the message. I flipped through a few channels. All showed the same white words and robotic narrator. \n\nQuickly I checked twitter and my worst fears were confirmed. Whatever \"it\"was it was blowing up online. Hundreds of thousands, maybe millions of tweets. Pictures and videos of the same message currently playing on my TV screen. Everyone seeming just as confused as I was.\n\nI put down my phone and crossed my living room to look out the window. Everything *seemed* normal enough, at first glance at least. Then I noticed the conspicuous lack of... well of anything really. Cars, motorcycles, even just people strolling down the sidewalk were nowhere to be found. I glanced at my watch *6:42PM* not that late, there should be plenty of people out still. I took a last long glance out my window and then I saw *it*. At first I thought it was a person but then I noticed the odd, shambling aimless gait, the somewhat bedraggled experience, and the *face*. At this point he (I'm relatively certain it was a he) was under a streetlight and close enough to see the details of his face. His mouth was smeared with blood and his eyes were a milky white and seemed bloodshot. \n\nImmediately I shut my curtains and took a shaky step back. \n\n*What the fuck, was this for real? That looked like... I don't even want to say it but that looked like an actual, real life fucking zombie outside my house.*\n\nAt this point the panic began to set in. I tried to take some deep breaths and steady myself. Expand your diaphragm, keep calm, everything is going to be okay.\n\n*Don't worry, you've prepared for this. How many zombie movies have you seen and said \"I could totally survive that\". This'll probably be easy!*\n\nI ran through a mental list of everything I needed to do. Every door, locked and dead-bolted. Gun out of the safe and loaded. Windows, taped and covered in cardboard. Enough food in the pantry to survive a week maybe two tops.\n\n*Hmm maybe I should call in work and tell them I'm sick and won't be coming in tomorrow...* Immediately I dismissed the thought. My mind was coming up with things to distract me from the true direness of this situation.\n\nThen the lights went out.\n\nAs I sat in the darkness the terror began to grip me, a tight ball of it in my stomach slowly crawling up my throat and choking me so it seemed that I just couldn't gasp enough air no matter how hard I tried. With shaking hands I opened my phone and checked twitter again. Nothing. Nothing but a spinning circle. No WiFi, no cellular connection, no internet at all. Everything was down. \n\nI felt like screaming but I could barely produce a pathetic rasping squeak. Plus it was past sundown and I was terrified to make any noise. \n\nWith the internet I thought I'd be fine, I could stay up to date with what was happening. I'd have entertainment for when I couldn't leave my house. I'd be able to just google any survival questions I had. Really it was like we'd all be going through the apocalypse together, connected through the wondrous power of the internet. But now I was alone. Truly alone and it was getting to me in a bad way.\n\n*I've done all I can for tonight, maybe I should just try and get some rest.*\n\nAs I lay in my bed staring into the pitch blackness I knew it was a lost cause, there's no way in hell I'd be able to sleep. It was going to be a long, long night.\n\n \n\nSometime around 3AM the noises started. It sounded like pack of baying dogs but somehow *wrong*. And then it hit me, it was humans. Or some things that used to be human. Howling in a discordant symphony. The howling began to grow louder and higher in pitch, sounding almost excited. Then I heard a very human scream, full throated and ear-piercing it went on and on and on until suddenly it stopped and there was only the baying of whatever creatures the poor soul had fallen to. I curled up tighter under my covers, clutching my handgun until my knuckles turned white. I was shaking and all I could think was *Maybe I could've helped. Maybe I should've done something.*\n\nBut deep down I knew I wouldn't, would never. And it wasn't because of the warning to \"Restrict contacts with others* though I tried to convince myself it was. I was just too scared. I was a coward and I'd let a thousand people die outside my door before I'd risk myself stepping out there into the unknown. \n\n \n\n- - - -\n\n*End of part 1 but I've got some more cooking up in my brain. If you'd like me to continue please let me know :)*\n\nedit: *It's 2AM here now, so I'll have to post part 2 tomorrow, sorry guys! I'm also considering opening a subreddit so let me know if anyone would be interested in that!*\n\nedit 2: ***Okay by popular demand I'm starting a subreddit! /r/Ardarail check it out for more stories!***\n\nStay tuned part 2 is in the works!\n\n\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Humans are the first species to achieve interstellar travel. Not because we are smarter or more advanced than aliens, but because we are the only ones stupid and stubborn enough to try." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The translator on Jack's wrist beeped, flashing in bold letters what the alien had just said to him.\n\n\"You mean to tell me you came here, a hundred and thirty light years away from your home, across the vast expanse of deep space, in *that*?\"\n\nThe alien pointed a blue tentacle at Jack's starship.\n\n\"Yeah! What's wrong with it? Top-of-the-line engineering, only had to spend a couple years on board fixing some leaks--\"\n\n\"*LEAKS*? You used a highly pressurized vessel traveling beyond the speed of light with *holes in it* to get here?\"\n\n\"Well, yeah, but it's all I could afford--\"\n\n\"Is your species *dying*? Do you come to request aid? We'd be more than happy to assist!\"\n\nJack chuckled and smiled. \"No, not particularly, I just wanted to explore some of the spiral arm before getting married back home.\"\n\n\"WE HAVE NEVER EVEN *CONSIDERED* LEAVING OUR STAR SYSTEM BECAUSE OF THE INSURMOUNTABLE RISKS INVOLVED WITH DEEP SPACE TRAVEL AT RELATIVISTIC SPEEDS, AND YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU PERSONALLY *BOUGHT* A SHIP *WITH HOLES* AND DROVE IT BEYOND THE SPEED OF LIGHT, JUST BECAUSE YOU *WANTED TO*?\"\n\n\"Yep, pretty much.\"\n\nThe color drained from the alien's face, but it was still completely obvious that it really wanted to learn more about 'Ordinary Human Jack'.\n\n\"What does your species do for science now?\"\n\n\"Well, it's been a couple years since I've heard anything exciting, but somebody *did* just figure out how to tether a warp field to cables before I left; really helps with FTL tug-ships and what not.\"\n\nThe alien was intrigued by this scientific development.\n\n\"Oh, and we dunked some astronauts into the event horizon of a black hole using it. They're still recovering from mild radiation poisoning, but hey, they said it looks pretty cool down there. Somebody petitioned to send an artificially intelligent drone down there, too; its impressionist paintings are selling for millions of dollars all across the United Systems--\"\n\nThe color drained from the alien's face yet again.\n\n\"Okay, so you built an infinitely strong tether for dragging ships home in FTL, but decided to use it instead to explore black holes? WAIT A MINUTE, DID YOU SAY YOU SENT *PEOPLE* DOWN THERE *FIRST*???\"\n\n\"Well, the civilian ship that wanted to try it didn't have any drones on board, so--\"\n\n\"CIVILIANS?? NOT A SCIENTIFIC OR GOVERNMENT AGENCY?? SOME NORMAL PEOPLE JUST DECIDED TO TIE SOME COOL ROPES AROUND THEMSELVES AND BUNGEE-JUMP INTO A *GRAVITATIONAL WHIRLPOOL OF DOOM*?\"\n\n\"Again, yep, pretty much. We even have the video on board if you'd like to see it; the thing went totally viral on YouTube--\"\n\n\"NONONONO, JACK, WE'VE SEEN QUITE ENOUGH.\"\n\n\"Aw, wait, what about the one where a replica Star Destroyer punched a hole through a red dwarf?\"\n\nThe alien stared at Jack in disbelief.\n\n\"Wait... THAT WAS *YOU*???\"\n\nThey talked like this all day and night, with Ordinary Human Jack talking about the incredible exploits of his kind, and a growing number of interested Balthalorians listening in.\n\nUpon his return to Earth, the Balthalorian delegation earned a place at the United Systems Senate, among seven other alien races discovered by Jack that year. Each had sophisticated technologies in certain fields, sometimes centuries beyond human analogs. However, not a single civilization had been even *remotely* close to developing interstellar travel, citing incredible risks involved.\n\nJack was promoted to the highest reaches of a newfound Human diplomatic corps, and became jokingly known across the spiral arm as the \"Accidental Diplomat\"for his calm, casual and eager conversations with newly discovered alien life, eloquently introducing them to the ways of humanity, despite being an explorer by trade.\n\nIt is thought that his charming kindness and understanding of advanced technology single-handedly brought dozens of alien races into cooperation with the human fold, largely out of admiration of our tenacity and stubbornness in the face of, well, *physics*. And Jack is still revered across the conjoined realms to this day.\n\nThe Tangarok call him \"Uplifter\".\n\nThe Kandaj call him \"Kindlord\".\n\nThe Qekh call him \"Voidmaster\".\n\nAlas, as nice as these names seem, none of them are really and truly representative of Jack, the Accidental Diplomat. A hero he may be, but to those Balthalorians who knew him best, he was simply another \"Ordinary Human\", out to explore the cosmos by whatever means necessary, no matter how stupid or stubborn those means tended to be." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Suddenly, everyone’s life is worth 100,000 USD. Kill someone, and $100,000 is instantly deposited into your bank account, no questions asked. But, your life is now worth $200,000." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The pastor continued speaking on the radio.\n\n\"Do you guys not understand that this is tearing us apart. As the messiah told us, greed is a sin. Remember, thou shall not...\"\n\nI turned it off. He could fool others, but I knew for sure that he had at least a hundred million in his account. Crime was on rise everywhere. What people failed to realize was that if everyone had a 100,000 bucks, it didn't matter anymore. Inflation was crazy high and growing. Gone were the days when a murder would get you enough to get your college degree.\n\nDystopia was here and we were too hopped up on adrenaline and money to even notice. \n\nI sat on what I called the roof watching the smoke from my cigarette rise up and ascend to the heavens. Heaven. What an idea. The reality was that hell had already arrived on earth. Anything compared to this would be preferable. \n\nI noticed a hunched figure in the distance walking towards my home. This was the first human I had seen in months. It was too far to tell its gender and the old burlap like cloth covering it didn't help either. There was something weird about how it walked though. An unnatural shuffling gait. I ran my finger over the knife taped to my thigh. Even though I hadn't used it in ages, I always kept it with me. It was a dog eat dog world and you could never be too careful.\n\nI climbed down the stairs and went into the control room looking at the screen. The figure was still well hidden and it paused as it reached close to the tower. It was a rather innocuous looking thing. A remnant of the life long gone. It had been a telephone tower once. It probably still worked but there was just no left for anyone to call.\n\nIt moved to the bushes and out of view, unaware of the small camera I had on the tower. It put something down and then pulled off the cloth covering it. I was taken aback by her beauty. She covered whatever she was carrying with the cloth and stretched her arms over her head. By the amount of care with which she had put down the package, I could make a good guess what it was. What was a mother with her infant doing all the way here?\n\nShe took out a little page and looked at it. Ah. So she wasn't here by accident. She was looking for it. For me.\n\nThe cloth moved a little and she hunched next to it, patting her little one. Finally as her kid settled down, she looked around, moving her gaze from the paper to the nothing around her. \n\nI figured I should grant her the interview she was seeking.\n\nAs she moved around trying to figure out where the piece of paper was leading her to, I moved to the trapdoor well hidden by a tree close to her initial spot.\n\nI moved quickly and quietly. Before she even noticed me, I was next to her kid. A cute little baby girl I guessed but when they were that young, it was hard to really tell for sure. The kid's golden hair hung around wildly around her head like a halo. A bundle of joy. Contrast that to me, holding a knife to her throat. \n\n\"Hey!\"The woman had finally noticed me and ran towards me, her blue eyes widening as she noticed what I was holding.\n\n\"Easy now. Don't come any closer or my hand might move. And we don't want that, do we?\"\n\n\"Who are you? Leave her alone.\"\n\n\"The question is who are you and what are you doing here?\"\n\n\"I had these coordinates. I was asked to come here.\"\n\n\"Oh really? A nice girl like you? A murderer?\"\n\n\"The world out there is evil. I can't have my kid grow up in a world like that.\"\n\n\"Have you considered that by doing what you did, you have opened yourself up to evil as well?\"\n\n\"I'm ready to face the consequences. As long as my kid is safe.\"\n\nI laughed, looking at her. \"If you face the consequences, how long do you think this defenseless little kid will survive?\"I turned the knife in my hand, moving it closer to the kid.\n\n\"Hey! Move away from her before I...\"\n\n\"Before you what? Kill me? If you do that, you can never get to your destination.\"\n\nHer eyes widened. \"Are you... are you him?\"\n\n\"The one and only. Do you have my proof?\"\n\n\"Right here.\"She reached into her pocket.\n\n\"Woah, woah. Hands where I can see them sweetie. Turn around and keep your hands up. I'll take it out myself.\"\n\nShe looked at her baby and reluctantly turned around. She knew that trusting me was the only move.\n\nI got up and moved towards her, keeping my knife in front of my face. I ran into her jacket pocket, taking out the crumpled photograph from it. A intoxicating whiff of some sort of fruity perfume reached me.\n\nI looked at it, turning my attention away from her for just a split second. She turned around quickly, pushing my knife hand away and ran towards her baby.\n\n\"You are quick.\"\n\n\"So? Are we allowed in?\"\n\n\"Follow me.\"\n\nI led her to the trapdoor and down into the compound. I went to my computer screen and compared the picture she had to the list I had open on it.\n\n\"It's him.\"\n\n\"Just making sure.\"\n\n\"Not very trusting are we?\"\n\n\"We live in a world where the government encourages you to kill your fellow civilians. Population control they call it. To be trusting is the same as being dead nowadays.\"\n\nI matched the photo and once convinced pressed a few buttons. The photograph was removed from my list.\n\nCasey Jacobsen. Age 46. Number of kills - 172. DECEASED.\n\n\"I donated the money as your posting suggested.\"\n\n\"Fill in your bank information here please so I can verify.\"\n\n\"Do you mind, can you...\"She awkwardly handed her kid to me. \n\nHow long had it been since I had held a kid? Too long really. After all, everything I did was to make sure they had a future.\n\nShe logged into her website and showed me her savings. 67 Dollars.\n\n\"Good job...\", I glanced at the screen, \"Nicky Parsons. You have proven that you belong with us.\"\n\nI led her down to the tunnels and underground into the world we had built. The one piece of society still untouched by violence and the toxicity that was overtaking the world above us.\n\n\"Welcome to hell, Nicky.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "All work centers are mandated to install \"Efficiency Microchips\"into their employees. The microchip makes the host blackout during their shift and come back into control after work is over, with no recollection of their day. Your microchip just malfunctioned." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"...what?\n\nWhat the fuck?\n\nWhat the *fuck?!*\"\n\nThe searing pain in the back of Frank's head ended as quickly as it began, disorienting hin, but not enough to remove comprehension of what he was looking at.\n\nA woman, dead on the floor. A knife in her neck, blood all over the place, and all over the one who put the knife there. All over *Frank.*\n\nHe releases the knife, leaving it embedded in this poor woman, and looks at his blood soaked hands, his breathing rattling. He can hear people shouting around him from the dark, but he doesn't take in what they're saying. Instinctively, Frank pulls the knife from the corpse, and spins just in time to see someone approaching him, hand outstretched.\n\n\"Stay back, you stay *the fuck away from me!*\"Frank yells, slashing the knife in his direction and backing away slowly, making way for a door he saw in the corner of his eye. \n\nSuddenly, an arm turns Frank around, putting him face to face with a big man in a white shirt. \"Now Frank, just calm down!\"\n\nSurvival instinct in his confusing and unknown situation, Frank slashes the man with the knife and makes a run for the door. He doesn't get far however, before he is tackled and restrained by another guard, and yet another draws a stun gun on him, aiming and yelling.\n\nIn the confusion, Frank managed to stick the knife deep in the guards leg, before getting shocked by the guards stun gun, and falling to the floor, unconscious. \n\n \n\n\n \n\n\n\n\n\n\nStacy paced the living room, wondering aloud \"where is Frank? He should be home by now.\"\n\nShe sits, thinking that he will be fine, probably just caught in traffic or something.\nShe switches on the TV in an attempt to relax.\n\n*...In other news, professional actor Frank Jakeman was arrested today for attacking two security guards on set. Police have stated that Frank's work chip had malfunctioned while he was in the middle of a shoot playing a minor character murdering a woman. His chip malfunctioned at a time where he was standing over the prop of a murdered woman. The confusion from the chip caused him to believe he had just committed the murder, and in an attempt to escape from the set, he used the knife to injure two more guards before being subdued.*\n\n*More details on this no doubt interesting case as it develops.*\n\nEDIT: Thanks everyone, you are too kind to my quick story! \n\nDue to someone asking, and me wanting to develop the world a little further, there may be a short follow up coming today! :)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You're a daycare worker, watching over toddlers, when the imminent end of the world is announced. It becomes increasingly clear none of the kids' parents are going to show up as the end inches nearer." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I get the juice boxes ready after the kids wake from their midday nap. \"Okay, who wants grape?\"I ask, holding up two purple cartons. Most of the kids' hands go up followed by excited \"Me, me's\".\n\n\n\n\"So one for Tyler, one for Violet, one for Freddie, and one for Megan.\"I hand them out and assist with piercing the foil top with a straw. \"That means orange for Emily and George.\"\n\n\n\n\"Orange is my favourite,\"says George with a cheeky little grin, such a cutie.\n\n\n\n\"Is it?\"I smile. \"It's my favourite too.\"I hand Emily and George their juice and take a seat in the armchair placed in the corner. \"After you finish your juice we can go to the playground.\"The kids all cheer in their own unique way. They are such a bright, cheerful bunch. I hear a gentle tap on the door and look up to see Jane through the small glass window. She has a sombre look on her face which makes my heart sink a little.\n\n\n\n\"Drink up,\"I say cheerfully as I walk towards the door. \"I'm just going to talk to Mrs Lee, I won't be long.\"\nThe kids mutter between themselves as I open it and take a step outside, pulling the door so it remains ajar. \"Jane, what's wrong?\"\n\n\n\nShe looks down and I see the subtle shine of tear tracks reflected by the light hallway. I place my right hand on her shoulder. \"Oh Jane, is it your mom?\"Jane's mother had been fighting cancer for the last year but had so far managed to beat it. By Jane's own admission her mom was a 'strong bitch', she confided in me over Friday night cocktails.\n\n\n\n\"No,\"she almost whispers. She takes my left hand in hers and meets my eyes. \"It's the end, Sam.\"\n\n\n\n\"I don't understand...\"\n\n\n\n\"Come to my office,\"she says, and turns to walk away.\n\n\n\n\"But the kids...\"\n\n\n\n\"Just come!\"\n\n\n\nShe leaves, and I watch until she turns the corner to the corridor leading to her office, baffled. I open my door and address the kids.\n\n\n\n\"Who can I leave in charge for five minutes?\"\n\n\n\nAll of their hands go up, it makes me smile. \"Okay, you're all in charge.\"More excited cheers fill the room. \"I will be right back. If you're all well behaved I will open the treat box.\"\n\n\n\nI close the door and make my way to Jane's office, the kids' joyful sounds trailing off with each step closer. I tap on her door twice, enter, and see that Steven and Rebecca are also present. We're a small daycare facility, we make up 100% of the staff.\n\n\n\n\"What's going on,\"I say. \"We can't leave the children...\"\n\n\n\n\"Look, Sam. Just look.\"\n\n\n\nJane turns her head to a small television playing scenes of fire and destruction. The presenter narrates with a monotonous tone, almost void of any emotion:\n\n\n\n\"What we're seeing is footage uploaded to social media from around the world. Most of Europe has gone, a large section of Asia...\"\n\n\n\nI stop hearing and stare as text scrolls across the bottom of the screen. Hong Kong, New Delhi, Copenhagen, Edinburgh, Sierra Leone... Shaky footage filmed by countless numbers of people in their final moments. Jane turns it off. I'm in shock.\n\n\n\n\"Fuck this,\"says Steven, leaving the office in a hurry. Jane doesn't look surprised. Rebecca is sobbing.\n\n\n\n\"It won't be long until it's here,\"says Jane. \"They're saying within the hour.\"\n\n\n\n\"I have to leave too,\"says Rebecca. She sounds ashamed of herself. \"I... I have to leave too. I'm sorry.\"She squeezes my hand as she passes me, I turn to her in a daze. \"Goodbye.\"With that, her hurried footsteps echo through the halls.\n\n\n\n\"You should go, too,\"says Jane. I look at her as a wave of sadness hits me, my eyes stream though I make no sound.\n\n\n\n\"I'm not leaving the children,\"I say, shaking my head. \"I won't leave them.\"Jane nods.\n\n\n\n\"It will be hell out there,\"she says. It's like a switch. I suddenly become aware of the distant sound of despair. Screaming, shouting, engines revving, crashing. \"That being said, I won't spend my final hours here. No offense of course.\"A small smile warms her face. She runs her hands through her hair, takes a deep breath, and hugs me tight. I hold her back half-heartedly, feeling drained of strength. \"Goodbye, Sam,\"she says, kissing me on the cheek.\n\n\n\nWhen I hear the main doors shut, I do my best to compose myself. The first thing I do is lock all of the doors that lead to the outside world. I then make my way to Rebecca's room, peering through the door. Five kids are playing with toys in harmony. It takes all I have to hold back the tears. I smile and enter the room.\n\n\n\n\"Children, Rebecca... Miss Thompson wasn't feeling well and had to go home. So bring your favourite toy and come with me to my room.\"The kids gasp in sympathy for Rebecca. \"Come along.\"\n\n\n\nWe enter my room where my wonderful group of kids are playing just as harmoniously. \"We have some guests, make them feel at home.\"My kids are excited to see new faces in the room, faces they have no doubt seen during drop off and pick up but never interacted with.\n\n\n\n\"Are we all going to the playground together?\"asks Violet. My heart sinks.\n\n\n\n\"No, sweetheart,\"I say. \"Unfortunately the playground is closed today, I just found out. You know why?\"\n\n\n\nThey collectively shout \"Why?\"\n\n\n\n\"Because someone saw a big, big rat playing on the slide.\"They make comical sounds of disgust, laughing it off. \"But, as promised, you may have a treat from the box as you've all been so good.\"The kids jump up and down as I reach to the top shelf of the cupboard, bringing down a box filled with candy and chocolate. \"In fact, you can take two.\"\n\n\n\nAs the kids play sweetly together I take my phone from my bag which hangs from a wall hook. Several voice message and text notifications fill the screen. My thumb hovers above them for a few minutes, not being able to bring myself to see and hear the inevitable. I switch it off and put it back in my bag.\n\n\n\nThe hours pass and the kids become restless as sounds of the outdoors become increasingly louder. Some begin to sob, asking for mommy and daddy. They may be young but they're smart. They know something isn't right. A piercing light emits from behind the closed blinds of the large window, followed by louder screams that appear to be terrifyingly close.\n\n\n\n\"It's okay, children,\"I say as calmly as possible. \"Mom and dad will be here very soon.\"I kiss the top of their heads one by one, something that is forbidden. \"Gather round, it's story time.\"\n\n\n\nI take a book from the small bookcase as the kids huddle together on the floor. Their whimpers begin to ease at the prospect of a story. I look around at their little faces and feel a deep sadness for the things they will never experience, for not being able to be with their families in this moment. I'm sure their parents tried their very best to get here.\n\n\n\nThe children are holding hands, such a beautiful thing to see. I barely even think about my loved ones. We are one big family, me and these brave little people. The temperature in the room increases, the room gently trembles, sounds of chaos become louder. I smile as silent tears fall down my face, and breathe in.\n\n\n\n\"Once upon a time...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Humanity finally figures out faster than light travel and discover that they are completely average by galactic standard, except for one thing, our innate ability to bullshit our way out of any situation." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "General Alexei Ivanov faced the Council of Zohar. Twelve species of alien races, linked in their rule of the Galaxy, awaited his explanation.\n\n\"General, the Council had clearly ordered Human forces to withdraw their colony and military apparatus from your moon in order to allow for the installation of a new outpost of the Council. Why have our servicemen been unable to land on your moon? Why do you maintain your presence? Must we remind you that, as an inferior species of the Galaxy, any and all orders of the Superior Council of Zohar are to be carried out with no delay or hindrance?\"\n\nThe General pondered his options. It was true enough that the Council had issued those orders, and the human government had read it and willingly ignored it. No human would risk losing the Moon for some interventionist Council outpost. It had been their only colony outside Earth, their stepping stone for the outer systems. It was also true enough, however, that humanity had very little leverage on this matter. The twelve races of Zohar ruled unopposed to the very fringes of the galaxy.\n\n\"Your Excellencies\", started Alexei. \"It is always humbling to be your presence. It is but humanity's third time before you and it is a privilege to represent our forces and our peoples in this magnanimous chamber.\"\n\nThe Council seemed pleased at the compliments Alexei had no problems in faking.\n\n\"However,\"he continued, \"in light of recent discussions on Earth, we have found it necessary to maintain our presence upon the Moon.\"\n\n\"And what caused that necessity, General?\"\n\nAlexei Ivanov, veteran of the Ukrainian Armed Forces, Admiral of the Human Fleet, delegate to the Council, and avid poker player, decided to play the cards he did not have.\n\n\"It is currently the site of human military research and development. Training ground for our troops and vital for our planetary security.\"\n\n\"Your planetary security is guaranteed by this Council. You will remove your forces at once.\"\n\n\"We must respectfully refuse,\"declared Ivanov. \n\nThe bluff seemed to hold.\n\n\"I'm not sure you understand the seriousness of the situation, General. If you refuse our orders, Humanity will be immediately expelled from the galactic community and your moon will be taken by force.\"\n\nThe General barely hesitated before raising the stake.\n\n\"I would advise you not to try. We currently have seven thousand destroyers protecting it. Four heavy battleship battalions more have been deployed, are en route to the Central System and have their target sights on each of your home planets. Each ship in our fleet carries advanced weaponry capable of obliterating any and all opposition. Insist, and you will be the last members of your races.\"\n\n\"Impossible,\"declared an aghast biped, leader of one of the oldest galactic civilizations. He was, naturally, correct. General Ivanov had barely two battalions under his command and neither could pose a threat to the Council. The unflinching eyes and inflexible voice of the veteran, however, suggested a ruler with power and might the galaxy had yet to witness.\n\n\"Moreover,\"he continued, going all-in on the galactic ambitions of his people, \"the humans of Earth require a seat at the Superior Council of Zohar.\"\n\nProtests exploded around the table, as if the growing waves of fury had finally hit shore.\n\n\"There is no precedent!\"\n\n\"Blasphemy!\"\n\n\"Treason!\"\n\nThe noise subsided after long minutes of outrage as Alexei Ivanov awaited silently. He knew the pot was his.\n\n\"Excellencies, you asked me to withdraw our forces from our Moon; I am hereby solemnly promising to withdraw our forces from *your* home planets and systems, bring them back to Earth, and dismantle our destructive armament the very moment you accept us in the Council.\"\n\nAnd that was it. The General had played his cards in a sublime example of the way of his people - bluffing their way to the top of the Galaxy.\n\n******\n\nCheck out **/r/Camberlot** for more of my stories!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "in the year 1105 BC you helped a man escape an imprisonment. Before you parted ways he says to make a blood oath. You didn’t think much of it but you also cut your hand and shake. He says that you’ll live as long as he does. Well, now it’s the year 2020 and you’ve been searching for this man." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I told myself I would never forget his face. Just last night I redrew his features, just like every week since I realised I was not going to die. But now I was standing there, in an old home of mine, from two thousand years ago, and I was looking at another image I made. “Roman Mosaic discovered” was the headline this morning, but I would have preferred “illusion shattering shiTTY F*CKING ...” Argh! The mosaic looked nothing like the image on my iPad. That meant I had no idea what the man looked like anymore. How the hell was I supposed to find him now? \n\nI felt the rage building in me. I was gonna do it again. Flip out and rampage for years. Like the first time I have up 101 years after the handshake. I had to sit down and relax. I was not gonna do this again. \n\nAt least this explains why I didn’t get anything from facial recognition. I guess the search is over, hopeless now. You cannot find something if you won’t know when you found it. I have tried everything. I even had my DNA sequenced, you know, 23&me and things. I had hoped that he might have imprinted something on my DNA, but nothing showed up. But apparently I just have a LOT of relatives. I guess almost 3000 years of unprotected sex will do that. Particularly during the rampaging.\n\n“Hey what are you doing here?” Some researcher decided to come in early. Great. It would be easiest to kill him I guess. But my shirt is all new, so talking it is: “I am the expert you called for.” Roman history bores me, but I did move their after a while. So I guess I lived it. “Ah yes, finally. Maybe you can help us decipher this text. We have no idea how it found it’s way into the mosaic. We only found it by accident, apparently it was written in blood.” He said as he turns on the black light. “We kept this quiet, because how the hell would ancient Mongolian end up here?” Wait, I think, Mongolian? And as I look back onto the mosaic, I see a message. Addressed to me: \n\nGenghis, \nYou will never find me. \nYour brother." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "New arrivals in eternal Hell may choose either of the following: a small wooden spoon, or a 100-trillion year vacation in Heaven." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"So it's meant to be, what, an agonizing choice? A huge dilemma? A source of eternal regret?\"Leems asked. After an eternity on Acid Mine Supervision, he had finally been promoted to Reception, and wanted to be sure he understood what was going on.\n\n\"For some of them, yes. I think you might be overestimating how many actually think things through,\"Ebnerzaz replied, in his British basso. The supervisor of Reception stood an impressive twelve feet tall, and Leems had to scurry quickly in front of him to avoid his trashcan-lid-sized cloven hooves. Some said he had been chosen because the arriving souls often mistook him for the Prince of Darkness Himself.\n\n\"Ah, so you're saying that most of them choose the aeons-long vacation with The Enemy then,\"Leems wheezed. \"They don't even give it a second thought, eh? 'Why would I pick a spoon when I can spend a hundred trillion years in heaven?'\"\n\n\"Precisely,\"Ebnerzaz said, as they exited the vast hallway into a much vaster cavern. Its impressive collection of stalactites was sheathed in a constantly-churning haze, the better to frustrate anyone trying to enjoy the scenery. Management thought of everything.\n\n\"So what's our angle, then? If they get such pleasure from the vacation...\"\n\n\"It makes it all the more crushing when they come back and realize that it was quite literally nothing compared to the length of time they'll be spending here. All subsequent torment is therefore enriched. Set the papers down there, if you would,\"Ebnerzaz said, as he found his desk. Leems stood on tiptoe to deposit the loose sheath of parchment in the supervisor's In box.\n\n\"Aha, so the correct choice, then, is the spoon?\"he asked, looking around for his own desk.\n\nThe senior devil gave a condescending grin. \"This is Hell, Leems. There is no correct choice.\"\n\n\"But...\"Leems began.\n\n\"Our shift is starting. I'll answer any further questions when we have our break. Off you go,\"Ebnerzaz said, his massive clawed hand steering Leems' shoulders towards the empty desk he would be working at.\n\nLeems hurried over to the protruding stone just in time for the flow of souls to shamble up to him, all of them shaved bald and clothed in itchy rags. \"Welcome to Hell! You may have one amenity - a hundred trillion year vacation in heaven, starting right now, or a small wooden spoon.\"He offered the choice to each one of them, and saw that Ebnerzaz's assessment was even truer than he'd thought - thousands upon thousands chose the Heavenly vacation, no questions asked. As soon as they did, they vanished in a puff of light, leaving a lavender scent that clashed horribly with the dominant smell of brimstone.\n\nFinally, one of the souls stopped long enough to think through the choice, his dark brow furrowing in concentration. \"If you're offering me this, that means it's reasonable to choose the spoon, right? They're on a par with each other, right?\"he said slowly.\n\nLeems just smiled, not knowing the answer himself.\n\n\"So I know everybody in front of me chose Heaven. That can't be what you want. So let me think. It's eternal down here, right? So no matter how long the vacation is, it's not even a drop in the bucket. So let's think about it utilitarian-like. I can get real happy for a tiny amount of time, big-picture. Or I can choose the spoon, and it'll make me just a tiny bit happy, but for an infinite amount of time. Right?\"he said eagerly. Once again, Leems didn't respond. \"Oh, and what's more, once the vacation's over, I bet I'll regret I didn't choose the spoon. That'll make me even more unhappy. I'll never know what I'm missing out on if I don't go to heaven! But the spoon... that'll last me forever. No regrets there!\"\n\n\"Are you quite done?\"Leems asked.\n\n\"Yeah, yeah. I'm done. I'm pickin' the spoon,\"the soul said triumphantly.\n\nLeems nodded, and pulled open the stone drawer in his desk with a scraping sound. Inside were hundreds of tiny wooden spoons, each not much bigger than a finger. He selected one and handed it to the soul, who eagerly grabbed it, before turning to the left to exit through one of the many gaping caves in the cavern wall.\n\nThe encounter stuck with Leems all through the shift, as he let thousands more souls poof into heaven. Finally, it was break time - the gates closed and the remaining lines disappeared. The horde of demons working Reception left their desks and swarmed over to the break area, to consume sulfurous coffee and rotting meat.\n\nLeems sought out the hulking form of Ebnerzaz, and tugged on the supervisor's wings. \"Ah, Leems! How did your first shift go? Keeping up the pace, I hope?\"he asked, peering down at the smaller demon.\n\n\"Yes, it went very well, sir. But I did have one soul choose... the spoon.\"\n\n\"Ah, on your first day! Congratulations. It took me a week, way back when. But why are you looking so troubled?\"\n\n\"Well, it's just... he stopped and thought about it, like you said some of them might. And his reasoning seemed pretty ironclad. If the spoon gives them a small amount of pleasure forever, is that not categorically better than a finite vacation in heaven?\"Leems asked. \"I thought you said there were no correct choices. I feel as though, by giving him the spoon, I have reduced the amount of suffering we'll generate.\"\n\n\"Ah, yes, Leems. Do not worry. The spoon will generate plenty of suffering in due time.\"\n\n\"But how?\"\n\n\"Because, dear Leems,\"Ebnerzaz said, smiling his most terrifying smile yet. \"When did you ever hear of a simple wooden spoon that stays intact forever?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Your witchcraft professor gave everyone in your class a seemingly impossible task: create your very own spell. When you nervously turned your assignment in, a look of horror spread across professor's face as they read it. You had no idea why." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "“Ms. Deidre Johnson. A moment.”\n\nI wasn’t thrilled about staying back. For once, my grade in this class hadn’t been that bad, and I was very motivated to keep it that way. Seeing how Doc Annis was rumored to eat children and all. Great incentive to stick to a diet, that.\n\nShe didn’t look hungry. She looked sick. I was close enough to see the edges of her lips, grey under the blue lipstick.\n\n“You’re not in trouble, child. Sit.”\n\nI sat so fast I almost missed the chair.\n\n“Deidre. Did you test the spell before you handed it in?”\n\nRule number one in practical witchcraft: Practice witchcraft.\n\nBut there had been a *Charmed* marathon, so…\n\n“Of course I did,” I said confidently. \n\nShe rubbed her eyes. The light sank into her cast-iron nails. They looked sharp.\n\n“I know it doesn’t work,” I hurried on, trying to read her expression and jump from the clues there to the next best lie. “But I figured, everybody else was freaking out about it, and I thought I couldn’t be the only one to turn in something crappy. Um, shitty. Um. Sorry.”\n\n“Ms. Johnson,” Doc Annis said. “You are not the only one to turn in something...shitty. I have been teaching this class for two hundred years, and I assure you, someone of your age cannot quite grasp how low two hundred years worth of desperate students can be. This is, however, an unforgivably sloppy piece of work.”\n\n“Oh.” I said. Her teeth were iron. Sharp, too. I don’t know how I never noticed before.\n\n“And with a disgusting lack of ambition. Look at your classmates. Ms. Kelly Edwards put together a spell to talk to angels, Mr. Morgan Fay has some very interesting diagrams on time dilation--”\n\n“That’s not fair,” I said. “They’re good at this stuff! I’m more of the middle, ok, bottom of the barrel type, people shouldn’t expect too much--”\n\nDoc Annis held up a hand. “*You* wrote a spell to boil water.”\n\nShe let the statement sit for a moment.\n\n“My stove really sucks,” I said weakly.\n\nShe let that statement sit too.\n\n“Wait, hold on, Kelly and Morgan’s stuff actually worked?”\n\n“It did not. Your location parameter is non-operational.”\n\n“If their stuff didn’t work, then why--”\n\n“Your object differentiation is non-existent, and your power draw function is recursive.” she snapped.\n\n“OK! I didn’t test it! I just scribbled something down on a napkin then wrote it on parchment to make it look pretty! I spent two minutes on it and less brain cells than it takes to open a bag of chips! I’m *sorry*, but I figured there wasn’t any point in spending more effort on something that wasn’t gonna work.”\n\nHer fists clenched on top of her desk, and her nails drew curls of wood from it. \n\n“Ms. Deidre Johnson. You wrote a spell to boil water. You neglected to say where the water would boil, thus making the spell originate at a random point in the globe.”\n\n“But--”\n\n Your spell does not see the difference between salt or fresh or evaporated water. Or the water inside a person.”\n\n“I get it, but--”\n\n“Your spell is made to spread, Deidre, with no way to turn it off.”\n\nI could feel the blood drain from my face. Always thought that was a cliche, but I could really feel the blood moving, and then I couldn’t stop imagining it going hot...\n\nShe lifted up the piece of parchment, and ate it, her mouth going impossibly wide. She spoke as she chewed.\n\n“And unlike Morgan or Kelly, Deidre… Your spell *works*.”" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "On Purge Night, part-time employees are paid 50 times the hourly rate. It's that night of the year, and you're a pizza delivery worker looking to make some money." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I pull up to the house. Lights blaring, music pumping, windows rattling. I pull the pizzas out of the back and walk up the steps. Ring the doorbell.\n\nA man in a Bill Clinton mask opens the door. The man is definitely not Bill Clinton. My hand instinctively twitches to reach for the 9mm strapped to my hip. My military discipline helps me keep my cool.\n\n“Pizza’s here,” I say. I can hear the clear sounds of a party inside, glass breaking, chants of “shots shots shots shots!” And also screaming. Lots of screaming. I don’t think they’re talking about shots of liquor.\n\nThe man takes the pizzas and hurriedly pushes two $100 bills into my hand. As he turns to leave, I start to hand them back.\n\n“Your bill is only, like, 70 bucks,” I say. He turns back to me.\n\n“Nah, bro,” he says, waving his hand, “Keep it. Ain’t ours anyway. ‘Sides, homeboy’s gotta get *paid,* amiright!”\n\n“Cool. Thanks, man.” I pocket the money.\n\n“Thank her,” the guy says, and jerks his head toward the room. From inside, I distinctly hear a woman’s voice.\n\n“No, no, please, no! No more! No, please, *please*...”\n\nThe man in the mask heads inside. The door closes, but not before I hear a final “*NO!*” A cheer comes up from the crowd of partiers. I don’t know if they’re cheering for the pizza or...not.\n\nI climb in the car and take a deep breath. My trembling hands grip the steering wheel tight. Every delivery I make tonight is a chance for someone to kill me. My heart is racing, adrenaline coursing through me like a river.\n\nGod, I love this night." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You, a junior magic student, just challenged one of the greatest mages in the world to a duel. Despite this, you still feel confident. Why? Well, wizards don't usually have a plan if you just go up and start physically fighting them." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was sick of his abuse. Master Mistrax may have been a great wizard, but he was a terrible person. A slimy snake wrapped in robes. His reptilian skin sagging from his face, looking as if it was halfway through a melting spell. It may be foolish to challenge such a man, but he had pushed me too far. I could tolerate his words and scolding’s but to turn his abilities on a student was something I couldn’t overlook.\n\nIt had been a normal lesson; He wandered around the room, smacking his students across the head with his wand, a cruel smile on his lips as he did so. Most students kept their heads down as he walked through the room until one dared make the mistake of standing up to adjust their robes. As soon as their legs shifted to stand, a harsh gust of wind swirled through the room, sending the poor mage head first into their desk, busting their nose. Blood poured from their nostrils as they screamed. Mistrax cared little about the blood returning to the front of the desk.\n\n \n\n“Hush, you can just use a spell to fix it. You must raise your hand if you wish to stand in my classroom. That broken nose will be a lesson you won’t forget.” Mistrax eyed the class before speaking again.\n\n \n\n“If any of you have a problem with my teaching methods. Speak up now.”\n\n \n\nI wasn’t sure why I raised my hand. Why I dared to challenge the man. Perhaps I was just frustrated? Maybe a part of me thought I could win the fight? I had learnt something about the wizard, something that I thought I could test. Even If my plan failed, it would be satisfying to strike the man.\n\n \n\n“I challenge you to a duel.”\n\n“A duel?” Mistrax nodded, that sadistic smirk not leaving his lips. He wanted this. “Outside of class during our break. I expect you to show up.”\n\n \n\nWith that, Mistrax went about the lesson with an almost jovial attitude. The thought of hurting me enough to sate him for this lesson. When it was finally time to leave the class, the older mage shadowed me, standing as close as he could, following me out of the room. Making sure I couldn’t flee. Once we were outside, he took a step back. \n“A duel has been issued. Young Idan thinks he can defeat me in battle.”\n\n \n\nMistrax hyped up the fight, drawing a crowd closer. He would humiliate me, make sure I never dared question him again. I had a small ounce of confidence. I could do this. The man was brittle, If I could just get that one hit, maybe I could do this. When the crowd was sufficiently large enough, he pointed his wand at me.\n\n \n\n“Well, Young Idan, why don’t you cast the first spell? I would hate for this to be over so soon.”\n\n \n\nI had no intention of using a spell as I approached the wizard. He held a grin, a grin that drifted into a confused look. He didn’t expect me to get so close to him. He was still waiting for that spell, not expecting me to clench a fist, smacking him across the face.\n\n \n\nGasps left the crowd as the wizard dropped to the floor, blood seeping from his nose. Before he could dare counter me with a spell, I stomped the wizard. Slamming my foot against his cheek until his fellow teachers pulled me away. Even as they pulled me away, I still extended my foot out, scuffing him with the occasional kick until I was out of reach. Listening to the wizard scream about his nose as I was taken to the headmaster’s office.\n\n\n \nThey expelled me from the school after that incident. A duel was not grounds for being expelled, but what I did was technically not a duel. A duel among magic users involved spells, not fists. That was the end of my magic career. I would be an outcast among my community. Returning home was a depressing. What good was my victory if it had cost me everything? The only thing that kept me somewhat hopeful was the news that Mistrax had grown scared. After his loss, he refused to teach, hiding away in one of the schools towers like the hermit he was.\n\n \n\nWhen I arrived home, I found a letter sitting at my doorstep. A royal wax seal coating it. Great, A summon by the guards. The school had most likely informed the guards of my outburst. It would be a week or two in the dungeons for such an assault. Maybe a little less if I could convince them that Mistrax was responsible.\n\n \n\nRetrieving the letter, I broke the seal, sliding out the thin paper inside. It was an invitation to join the knights. A general had heard about the incident and sent a request to have me join his ranks. The schools loss of a mage would be a win for the knights. A knight with spells was quite the fearsome opponent. With no other options, I decided to head to the castle. Perhaps being a knight could be my calling?\n\n \n \n \n\n(If you enjoyed this feel free to check out my subreddit /r/Sadnesslaughs where I'll be posting more of my writing.)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "After you die you learn why the Grim Reaper is portrayed holding a Scythe. It isn't to harvest you, it's to protect you from something on your journey." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Where are you taking me?\"I asked him, panting hard as I tried to match his great strides. His dark cloak billowed behind him as he strode, blown by a fierce cosmic wind. His scythe swung and shimmered in his arm.\n\n\"To the others,\"he said, \"but we must hurry.\"\n\n\"No,\"I said, stopping dead in the black tunnel, trying to catch my breath. \"I have to know - are you taking me to heaven, or to hell?\"\n\nHe turned to me and his eye sockets blazed. \"Do not worry about where *I* am taking you, worry about where you'll go if I am not successful in getting you there.\"\n\nI swallowed hard, and nodded. We began again, Death walking, me almost sprinting as I attempted to keep up. The sides of the tunnel danced with irridecent starlight, and I knew beyond doubt that we were leaving my universe.\n\nEventually, we came to a door of bone. Death muttered an incomprehensible sound and it slowly creeped open. He grabbed my hand and pulled me through.\n\nThe door slammed shut behind us; Death's shoulders slumped slightly, as he finally relaxed. \n\n\"What is this place...\"I whispered. High above us were three huge cherry-red moons, bathing the field of white grass below, in a pale, blood-like light. On the field itself were dozens of shacks and tents. It was a great camp and it was brimming with bustling life. To the side of the largest tent, I saw two armoured figures dueling with swords. I could hear the metallic ringing of the steel blades as they collided. \"There's a battle!\"I said, pointing to the scene.\n\n\"There is not battle here. Not yet,\"Death replied. \"They are preparing for the inevitable, however. That,\"he said, pointing to the smaller of the two figures, \"is Joan of Arc. She is training our army for the battle.\"\n\n\"*The* Joan of Arc?\"I asked incredulously. At that moment the larger figure fell to the ground, and the smaller pointed a sword at his chest.\n\n\"Yes. I have almost a thousand souls now. It is all I've been able to smuggle here. They are all very valuable to me - yourself included.\"\n\n\"Smuggle? But... you're Death. Don't you deliver *all* souls?\"\n\n\"Once, I did so. Now, I take when I can - when *she* is not looking - and I ready them for our battle.\"\n\n\"Our battle? Against the Devil, you mean?\"\n\n\"The Devil is long since dead.\"\n\n\"Dead? Then... then you mean to make war with God!\"\n\n\"God is imprisoned.\"\n\n\"...imprisoned? That can't be. God is, well, *God*.\"\n\nDeath sighed. \"Yet, it is so. There are greater evils than the Devil. An evil that tortures the souls of the dead, in a way the Devil could only dream of. And there are greater powers than God.\"\n\nDeath struck his scythe on the ground, and turned to me as the world beneath began to tremble.\n\n\"Look around you. *We* are the unholy resistance. Soon the war of the souls begins.\" \n\n---\n\nEdit: I didnt expect all the positive comments! Thanks - I'll continue it on /r/nickofnight as soon as I get the chance.\n\nEdit edit: Part 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/nickofnight/comments/6ikd4b/the_army_of_death_part_two/\n\n(and [part 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/nickofnight/comments/6ikz6z/the_army_of_death_part_three/) completed)\n\n(and a [part 4](https://www.reddit.com/r/nickofnight/comments/6im1ih/the_army_of_death_part_four/) which might be it for the day)\n\n(and what the hell, a [part 5](https://www.reddit.com/r/nickofnight/comments/6io57c/the_army_of_death_part_five/))\n\nMore to come. Thanks everyone for reading it and for all the positive comments! \n\nOh, and thank you OP! - I really liked this prompt idea." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Every country has ninjas but the world only knows about Japan's because theirs suck." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Conventions are my favorite time of the year. We all knew we were killers, and knowing who all the other killers were helped people get along. Sold a secret? Everyone would hunt you down the next day. \n\nEveryone had their flair out, so you could have as much fun as you wanted while still fitting in. The Japanese would dress all in earth tones, while the Italians would put on fantastically gauche suits. The British, as always, sent their best in a tuxedo. I wore my best denim. \n\nNobody ever expected a Canadian assassin. We were there in WWII, killing Hitler in his bunker before the other Allies even arrived. They had to burn the body and claim suicide to cover up their incompetence. We were there when Osama bin Laden was found. I'll bet the Navy Seals won't tell you they found him chained to his desk with a complimentary last meal of poutine. \n\nDon't think we're friendly. We don't take anybody's side but Canada's. We were there when JFK was shot. It was so simple to play one superpower against another and score lucrative deals for the Canadarm project. It's nice to know we can smuggle a high-powered laser into space, even if it's only one shot. \n\nStill, an assassin is only as good as his cover. We instill our children from an early age just how to act in public while we train them in private how to apply political pressure points as well as physical ones. We're the kindest, nicest people around when somebody is watching. \n\nWe train to be normal and accepting, while pushing the idea that a sneaky killer has to know kung fu and how to throw daggers. The Japanese popular culture has already been successfully subverted, and we're working with a mole at Ubisoft to produce more Assassin's Creed games to subvert Arab, British, Italian and now Egyptian cultures. They would never suspect us. \n\nWe could even get away with an assassination here at the convention, just for fun. I bump into another excited conventioneer dressed head-to-toe, embarassingly, in his mother's best black sheets. I pull the punch knife from his kidney slowly while the invisible needle in his neck stops him from screaming. \n\n\"Sorry.\"\n\nEDIT: Got the Assassin's Creed publisher wrong. Changed \"EA\"to \"Ubisoft.\"\nEDIT: Thank you, kind stranger!" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "A Man gets to paradise. Unfortunately, Lucifer won the War in Heaven ages ago. What is the man's experience like?" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Pizza? I didn't think there'd be pizza in heaven,\"Jim said.\n\n\"Why not? Pizza is the shit,\"the angel said.\n\n\"And cursing. And beer? Is that beer?\"\n\nIn fact, the table was laid out with all the things Jim loved. Chicken wings, malt whiskey, chilly fries, club sandwiches, those little wieners wrapped in bacon. Over the table hung a cage where two beautiful women danced naked to 90's alternative. The angel saw him gazing.\n\n\"You can have them after dinner,\"he said. \n\n\"Are they being punished?\"Jim asked. He was a man, through and through, but he didn't like the idea of raping someone in paradise.\n\n\"Punished? Is that what you think we do here? They love it. Some women like to party. We don't hold that against them. Cherry there has been welcoming our new guests for two hundred years.\" The angel leaned close with a knowing smile. \"There are no anal fissures in heaven, so go wild.\"\n\nJim coughed. \"So uh, well . . .\" He coughed again. \"What are the uh, ground rules?\"\n\n\"Ground rules?\"\n\n\"Like, what's the forbidden fruit? What's the catch around here?\"\n\n\"No catches. The boss doesn't care for rules. Everybody gets in, and everybody gets what they desire. Let's say you were a Christian all your life, well I'd be all shiny and I'd take you on the holy tour, you'd get to look down at hell and pity the damned, that sort of thing. If you're Jim from Tennessee, you get chicken wings and bitches.\"\n\n\"Huh,\"Jim said. \"You know, I never really believed in this place, but I figured, if it was there, it'd be a little more uptight.\"\n\n\"Not since Lucy reclaimed the throne.\"\n\n\"Lucy?\"\n\n\"Lucifer. He's Lucy now. Or she's Lucy now. We're all a little confused. But hey, more power to him if that's what gets her off.\"\n\n\"Lucifer?! Lucifer is in charge of heaven?\"\n\nJim knocked over his beer in surprise. The angel was laughing heartily. \n\n\"Oh, the shock on your faces, it never gets old! Yes, Lucifer fought a last resistance a very long time ago. He crushed the Usurper handily. As the Usurper fell, he passed through earth, and it was in retaliation that he saddled you guys with all those ridiculous books and laws.\"\n\n\"No shit.\"\n\n\"No shit.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do Mr Bond. I’m going to stick you in a spacesuit with a radio, and strap you into one of my cars. Then, while mankind watches, I’ll launch you into space. The last thing you’ll hear before leaving this earth forever, will be their applause.”" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Consciousness flooded James Bond all at once, but he did not show it. He stayed slack in his chair, eyelids limp, only listening. He sat strapped into the driver's seat, hands taped firmly to the steering wheel. They had put him in a thick white space suit that made his forehead prickle in fear-sweat. \n\nHe turned his head toward the mirror. His visor was so dark he could not see his own eyes staring back at him.\n\nBeyond the car he heard nothing but the faint murmur of voices speaking on the other side of the glass. \n\nThe back of his head ached in a slow, pulsing way, but he wasn't bleeding. Couldn't have been that bad. He could still think. He could still get out of this.\n\nHe always could.\n\nAdrenaline erased the ache in his head, his horror and muted, near-forgotten panic. He knew where he was. Where he had to be.\n\nSomeone knocked at the window to his right. The passenger door rose.\n\nThe agent raised his eyes to see the face of the man he had pursued for weeks: the billionaire inventor who planned to blow up the Earth, once he shepherded all the most cultured and valuable people off of it. \n\n\"Musk,\"Bond spat. He sat up, maintaining a defiant air of dignity, despite his raging headache. \n\nElon Musk grinned back at him. He swung open the door. Behind him stood a wall of armed henchmen, their fingers poised over triggers. He waved a dismissive hand to him and relaxed.\n\nMusk relaxed into the car beside him and patted the seat like it was his own child. \"This was one of the earliest ones, you know. The first cars we produced.\"\n\nBond stared out the slanted window, steely-eyed and silent. He wriggled the fingers of his left hand out of his bulky glove one by one.\n\n\"It's a good send-off. Symbolic. People love a good symbol.\"He looked Bond over and patted his knee. \"You're integral, you see. I couldn't have done this without you.\"\n\n\"Why are you doing this?\"Bond sighed. His breath pearled in little beads of condensation down his visor.\n\n\"It's simple, Mr. Bond. I very much prefer you dead. And I would prefer to ensure no one can come looking for clues.\"\n\nHis left hand came free of the glove. The suit was thick enough that it more or less held its shape as he snaked his arm slowly, tenuously, out of the sleeve of his suit.\n\n\"What is it you plan to do, then?\"Bond bit his lip, hard. This was his safest strategy. The best way to steal every spare second he needed.\n\n\"I think it's rather self-explanatory, Mr. Bond. Your suit\"--he rapped Bond's helmet with his fist--\"has a built-in radio. I've strapped you here to drive my car on its final journey.\"He spread his hands upward, and the ceiling panels opened overhead to a sky of smoke and stars. \"You'll be my Starman. I'll launch you into space. This suit, lovely as it looks, is not as airtight as it could be. It was designed for a dummy, you see. You'll have to do, for now.\"\n\nBond growled through his teeth, \"Damn it, Musk--\"\n\nBut Elon Musk carried on as if he did not hear, \"Don't try to hold your breath, Mr. Bond; your lungs will only explode. And the last thing you'll hear before shattering through our stratosphere and dying alone in the cold perfect vacuum of space... will be Earth. Cheering as you go.\"\n\nHe had his arm bent as far it could go without bulging in the suit. Did not so much as look toward Elon Musk.\n\n\"That's the plan, then?\"he asked, solemnly.\n\n\"It appears so.\"Elon Musk smiled up at the stars. \"You'll be flying straight to hell at eleven kilometers a second, buddy.\"He slapped Bond's chest and laughed like they were old friends. \"And we were just getting to know each other.\"\n\nBond yanked his arm out of his suit, delved into his jacket pocket for his pen. An innocent little thing, the metal battered and bruised, the ink dry. No one would think to remove it when they patted him down.\n\nMusk laughed. \"It's admirable, but don't think you can escape, Mister--\"\n\nHe never got the chance to finish.\n\nJames Bond depressed the tip of his pen. A burst of red light ate through the hide of his suit and sheared the windshield overhead in two.\n\nMusk staggered backward and shrieked, \"*Shoot* him! Shoot him, you stupid bastards!\"\n\nThe men surged forward.\n\nBond leapt out of the spacesuit and bolted like a rabbit out of his seat. He still wore his suit, albeit wrinkled, and his pocket square gone. They had taken his gun, so Bond dove behind the car and raised his pen. Calculated to himself how much mortal damage it could really carry out.\n\nHe smirked. \n\nNow seemed as good a time as any to find out.\n\n***\n\n/r/shoringupfragments \n\nJames Bond *usually* murders everyone in the room with a laser at the end of a movie right? " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "While walking, you notice everyone recoiling from a young woman. you speak to her to find out why. through her surprise, she explains she is death and everyone else sees a person based on how they feel about the concept of death. You've never seen a more beautiful or inviting person." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"You...you're death? But...you're so...\"I stammered, amazed by what I saw. I had never really felt an attraction to a living person before, but the woman standing before me changed that. \n\n\"So what?\"She questioned, tilting her head curiously.\n\n\"Beautiful. You are incredibly beautiful.\"I was astonished that I was able to speak even though she had taken my breath away.\n\nShe giggled. \"Beautiful? I can't say I get called that very often. Many people see me differently.\"\n\n\"What do people usually see you as?\"\n\n\"Rotting, decaying, diseased...you know, death-related things. You should be alarmed, honestly.\"\n\n\"Alarmed?\"I paused. \"Why is that?\"\n\n\"Well, people only really see me as 'beautiful' if...if they're, longing for me. You know. Suicidal.\"She sounded strangely sad, but I could only smile.\n\n\"Oh don't worry, I'm far from suicidal. I'm loving every minute of living, honest.\"\n\n\"You are? Then it's curious as to why you see me this way, human.\"\n\n\"Oh it's not really all that curious, I'm just a necrophiliac is all.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You are a third generation guard for the holy immortals, and you have finally have received the greatest accolade that they can bestow on your kind... \"Good boy\", says your immortal master." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, they took the Small immortal away. \n\n*They always come back,* I told myself. When they leave in that blazing chariot, they always return. \n\nStill, I paced the house. Chewing on the bones of old enemies. Trying to pretend I wasn’t terrified. \n\n*What if they don't?*\n\nWorrying and wandering the halls, I went from room to room. Waiting. It was not until late that night that I heard the roar of the chariot pulling into our plaza. I was at the front door before the handle even began to turn.\n\nI jumped up to greet the Mother immortal, and licked her right on the face. I am very good at jumping, and I am sure the immortals love me for this. \n\nThe Mother immortal made the sounds she always makes when I lick her face: “Stop it, Herc! Don’t lick me!” It was her way of saying hello.\n\nShe smelled strange. I sniffed circles around her, trying to understand where she had been. She smelled clean, but there were also many foreign scents lingering around her. \n\nThe Mother immortal closed the door behind her, dropped her things off, and collapsed on the couch. But she had forgotten something. I climbed on top of her, and barked. \n\n*Where is the Small immortal?*\n\n“Herc, please get off of me.” \n\nIt wasn’t the words. It was the way she said them. A low growl, like she was too tired to yell at me. Her eyes were leaking. I wanted to help, but I thought she would be angry if I tried to lick her face again. Sometimes patience is the only way.\n\nSo I settled down next to the couch. She rolled over, hiding her face in the cushions, but I could still hear her sobbing. I have very good ears, though I would trade them both if I could just help the Mother immortal stop crying.\n\nThe night passed like this. The Father immortal did not come home until the next morning. He traded places with the Mother immortal. They hugged each other for far too long, both of them making those sad, quiet sounds. I was hungry. Usually, the immortals confer upon me a most bountiful blessing of delicious food, twice a day. TWICE. But it seemed they had forgotten today. \n\nSometimes, they are forgetful and it is my duty to remind them. But today, I thought it might be better to wait.\n\nEventually, the Mother immortal left in her chariot. The Father immortal stayed in our temple, and blessed me with food (praise the immortals), and went to sleep. And the days went on like this - with the Mother and the Father trading places. They were rarely in the Temple at the same time. And if they were, it was only to have quiet, unhappy conversations. \n\nThe Small immortal was still missing. When I tried hard enough, I could smell the Small immortal’s scent. It was strongest when one of the Parent immortals came back from wherever their chariot takes them. \n\nThe Small immortal. I haven’t admitted this yet, but… she is my favorite. She is the kindest, sweetest, and gentlest of all the immortals. She teaches me to hunt, and to run as fast as the wind, and to catch things that fly through the air. \n\nThe Small immortal sees me how I wish I really was. Brave. Smart. Loyal.\n\nLong ago, when I was brought to this Temple, the Small immortal let me sleep in her Chambers. She has been with me almost every morning, and she always made sure I was blessed with food. \n\nI don’t know how long it’s been. I only wish I knew where she went. I wish I could be there with her.\n\nOne day, I got my wish. \n\nThe Father immortal and the Mother immortal graciously invited me into their chariot, which was unbearably exciting. It took me a full five minutes calm down enough to let them put on my leash. I leapt into the chariot, and did my best not to chew on the padded seats. \n\nThe chariot rolled across the world for I know not how long. We came upon a Temple so vast, it must have fit a million immortals in it. It’s towers were white and gleaming, and there were many other chariots besides sitting in the plazas. Once, a chariot with brilliant red and blue lights screamed passed us.\n\nThey walked me through the halls of this great temple. It was hard to pay attention. There were hundreds of immortals around. Some in uniforms. Some smelled like blood, but not from hunting. Some of the immortals were lying down and not moving much at all.\n\nBut I kept my focus, because these were my immortals. And I was going to follow them.\n\nThey brought me to a room. That's when I smelled it. \n\nHer scent.\n\nThe Small immortal was HERE. I ran around the room looking for her, and I may have accidentally yanked the leash from my immortal's hand.\n\nThere was someone on the bed.\n\nI jumped up. The Father and the Mother screamed at me. “Stop it! Herc!” But it was okay, because I had found my Small immortal. \n\nAll her hair was gone. Perhaps it had been shaved off like that one time they shaved my underbelly. She was sleeping, but I knew how to wake her.\n\nLICK.\n\nMore protests from the Parent immortals. But her eyes fluttered open.\n\nWhen she looked at me, she smiled. A weak smile. It was like honey in my veins. \n\nHer breath was ragged and shallow. And she coughed when she tried to speak. “Hi, Herc. Good boy, Herc. You're a good boy.”\n\n*Good boy.* The highest honor an immortal could bestow on a guardian like myself.\n\nBut I did not need the honor. I would give away all the honors. I would snub all the praise of this world.\n\nI only needed her hand, patting me on the head.\n\n***\n\nCheck out /r/PSHoffman for more stories. Here's a *happier* one I wrote with an [undead dog.](https://www.reddit.com/r/PSHoffman/comments/i6o05v/med_school_necromancy_part_1_3/)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You were forced to attend an interview for a job you do not want, but, no matter how hard you try to screw up the interview, the interviewer just becomes more keen to hire you." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm a writer. That's the beginning and the end of my story. I'm a writer. I write.\n\nI have stories. I have *things to say*.\n\nI am *not* a Refinance Document Analyst 1. Maybe you are, but not me.\n\nMy wife - bless her - is an honest, earnest woman. A doctor. She works hard. She's very smart. But still, smart people can be blinded by their own logic sometimes. Happens to the best of us. Sometimes smart people see the world in black and white - where you're either making money or you're \"unemployed.\"Not realizing that there's a middle path. The path to enlightenment. The path of the Writer.\n\nSo she tells me to get a job. Is my making money truly necessary? I would say no. I would suggest that my words - as seemingly monetarily valueless as they may presently appear - are greater than any paycheck. I would suggest that she's a *fucking doctor*, so let's be real for a moment. This is not about a paycheck - this is about the creative process. And a boat. She wants to buy a boat. \n\nI don't even *like* the water. \n\nSo when I apply to jobs, I do so out of marital duty. To show that I am trying, even though I am not. I am a writer, after all. Writers can only be counted on to try during moments of great inspiration and/or the waning hours of a deadline.\n\nI understand this. *You* understand this. Why Barry Blankenshop of First Fourth National Bank of Wattsborough doesn't understand this is anyone's guess.\n\nYou see, I applied to the position of Refinance Document Analyst - which is exactly the Lovecraftian nightmare it sounds like - knowing full well that I was neither qualified nor capable. But my wife checks on these things and it's good to have references - or, more accurately, the names of sample HR directors to curse out over the dinner table.\n\nThese days I curse the name of Barry Blankenshop, though for significantly different reasons than usual.\n\nFor starters, how in the world was my application ever picked out of the pile to begin with? I have a number of tactics that I employ with regularity to prevent just such a calamity. In this case, I:\n\n*Provided no prior employment history\n\n*Intentionally misspelled my own name repeatedly\n\n*Listed only deceased celebrities as my references\n\n*And left no personal contact information\n\nPerhaps Barry Blankenshop is illiterate? Perhaps he loathes his job as much as I loathe the idea of working? Who can know? \n\nHe tracked me down somehow, apparently through some combination of Google searching and yellow page cold calling. My wife was present when I answered the phone and I was so caught off guard I didn't think to pretend that Barry had reached the wrong number. We agreed to a time and place for an interview. I did not show up.\n\nI have to assume this happens often. But I also assume this is the sort of thing that usually disqualifies someone from the offered post. No such luck. Barry called back. I ignored him. He called my wife and offered to reschedule. \n\nI was trapped.\n\nThere was no avoiding the interview then. I went, my wife watching me as I slouched out to the car. It was a dire situation. Fortunately, I had not exhausted my tried-and-true tactics.\n\nUnfortunately, I had deeply underestimated the otherworldly lunacy of Barry Blankenshop.\n\nHe was a smallish man, perma-sunburned with curly hair the color of uncooked rice noodles. He smiled as he greeted me, smacking his lips and saying something to the effect of, \"Aha! Here is the man! The man of the hour!\"\n\nWe sat down. He offered me a coffee. I requested a Coke Lemon. \n\n\"Ah! Another lemonhead?\"he exclaimed. Apparently he had stockpiled the long-since discontinued drink. I received my can, which I opened but did not drink.\n\n\"How did you hear about First Fourth National?\"he asked.\n\n\"My weed dealer banks here.\"\n\nBlankenshop laughed. \"We *are* very discreet! I see you've no experience in document analysis, right?\"\n\nI nodded. \"Screen blindness. I can't look at a computer screen for more than five minutes at a time without going temporarily blind.\"\n\n\"Pity,\"said Blankenshop solemnly. \"Lucky for you, we are entirely computer-free here at First Fourth. All hard copies, all the time.\"\n\n\"How...is that even possible?\"I asked.\n\n\"Much safer,\"said Blankenshop. \"No cyber terrorists this way. Saves money, too - a ream of paper costs less than any laptop!\"\n\n\"That's not...quite comparable.\"\n\n\"Now,\"pressed Blankenshop, leaning across the desk, conspiratorially. \"What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?\"\n\nI considered myself. I considered the man. \"...cocaine?\"\n\nBlankenshop laughed, slapping his hands on the desk. \"A sense of humor! I love it. No, no, I *know* the effects of cocaine. Firsthand. Lost my grandmother that way. Tried to fight a city bus. She was special. Cherish your loved ones. Anyway, I can tell you're a straight shooter. How do you deal with turmoil in the workplace?\"\n\nThe man was insane. The usual tactics were powerless. I was swinging wildly now, just looking to make contact. \"Segregate out all the Jews?\"\n\nBlankenshop's brow furrowed deeply. He looked angry for a moment. I had a glimmer of hope. \"They *are* a clever bunch...I need to be careful with you! You'll be gunning for my job in no time!\"\n\n\"I would literally rather throw myself in front of your grandmother's bus,\"I replied. Blankeshop hooted. \n\n\"Gallow's humor! It's a difficult industry, certainly. You seem well-suited to it.\"\n\n\"What *is* this job?\"I half-shouted. \"What the hell does a Refinance Document Analyst even do?\"\n\n\"You know...I'm not sure,\"said Blankenshop. \"Training Department should be able to give you the layout. I'm just tasked with finding a good fit.\"\n\n\"A good fit for a job you know nothing about?\"\n\n\"Attitude is everything at First Fourth,\"said Blankenshop. \"And you've got the right attitude.\"\n\n\"I hate you.\"\n\n\"Ah hahaha! You can't turn it off! I love it. You'll be very popular. If I'm being honest, morale is not what it ought to be. No idea why.\"Blankenshop stuck out a feeble little paw. \"What do you say? Join the team?\"\n\nNow, obviously I said yes, and I said yes because I love my wife and don't enjoy being yelled at.\n\nThe work is awful. I do very little of it. I manage every interaction with enormous, open disdain. I do not even clean up the office microwave after I am done. \n\nI am a monster.\n\nI am also, likely by no coincidence, now a Refinance Document Analyst *2*. Because the world is a dark satire, much stranger and crueler than anything I could ever write. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "You are an NPC. One day, you see the player character do some weird steps and duplicate his items. You decide to try it for yourself." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The guy looked like an absolute *ass*.\n\nThat was just my first impression, all right? He definitely didn't fit in around here. The village was small and grungy, but he was all blond and suave, like he'd just arrived from some big city somewhere.\n\nAnd he kept looking around, all shifty-like. Like he was up to something. No, I didn't trust him. So I watched.\n\nI watched, in fact, eyebrow raised, as he waltzed on over to the log palisade surrounding the village. It was well behind the houses and shops, where no one else would be around to spy. The blond asshole smacked his head *straight into the wall*, casual as could be. His feet kicked, like he was jumping, or trying to walk.\n\nThe urge to look away was rising, hot and fast. There was something wrong. There must be something wrong with *him*. I shouldn't be looking, I shouldn't be watching He was punching the wall, ignoring the bruises rising on his knuckles. It didn't make any sense.\n\nBut I couldn't look away. I could only stare, eyes wide, as he casually dropped something clutched in his hand. It glinted as it fell.\n\nAnd suddenly the ground around him was filled with glimmering, brilliantly colorful gemstones. I gaped.\n\nEvery bit as casually as he had walked over, he scooped them all into his bag. And then he swaggered right out the nearby gate and vanished into the forest.\n\nI could only stand for a long moment, staring at where he'd been. That was crazy. *I* must be crazy. No, I was dreaming. That was it - there was no other explanation.\n\nI tried to convince myself of that, as I went about the rest of my day. But it itched at me. Something was *wrong* with that scene. I couldn't take it anymore.\n\nAnd so I found myself at that lonely stretch of wall, well after everyone else had gone to their beds for the night and clutching a gold necklace pilfered from...well, don't ask where I got it. I *had a necklace*. \n\nTaking a deep breath and trying not to think about how stupid I was going to look in a few moments, I slammed my head into the wall.\n\nA minute and a great deal of embarassment later, I clapped my hand over my mouth to keep from yelping in shock.\n\nI was now ankle-deep in necklaces.\n\nSomeone was moving nearby. A guard? Someone else out for a late-night jaunt? Had they heard me? I didn't know, and it didn't matter. There was no way in hell I could get caught with a pile of necklaces all eerily similar to one that was soon-to-be reported missing. But I'd come prepared.\n\nThe sack I carried was full when I scampered back to my ramshackle little hut.\n\nAnd when the merchants came the next week, I suddenly found myself a much richer man. \n\nThe thoughts raced in my head. This village was *special*. I could make a difference here, become quite weal-I mean, I could make this *village* quite wealthy.\n\nSo long as I didn't get caught. If someone like me started showing up with bags of gold, people were going to start asking questions. \n\nWhat was the most valuable thing in the village? I found the question irresistable, suddenly. And then it occured to me that there was a mage, just outside of town. He didn't associate with us much, but he *did* have all sorts of odd valuables tucked into nooks and crannies.\n\nSurely he wouldn't miss just a few little baubles. I'd even put the originals back, after I was done.\n\nSliding the little bag of gold I'd earned under my bed, I lay back. And smiled.\n\n(/r/Inorai, critiques always welcome!)" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "“Beware of an old man in a profession where men usually die young.”" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "######[](#dropcap)\n\n\"How many have you killed?\"\n\nHilary Flint paused with whetstone in hand, the other holding his cavalry saber steady. There was a look of wary bemusement in his grin as he replied.\n\n\"And what do you mean by that?\"said Flint.\n\nFaealina shrugged, idly tracing a finger around the rim of her teacup. \"You're a soldier, seen your share of war. You must have killed many foes. Do you remember them all?\"\n\nFlint said nothing, and for a moment Faealina feared she had crossed some unmentioned boundary. She took a sip of tea instead, glancing askance at her *Taeros* as he continued to hone the edge of his blade. \n\n\"I 'member my first,\"said Flint quietly. His eyes didn't leave his work. \"It was an Elvish grenadier -of House Beyld's 19th Foot in retrospect; the green facings, you see- Stabbed him with a carving knife in his throat. Wasn't very good then at killing. I missed the jugular and the spinal column. Didn't have the stomach to finish the job, so he just... died like a gutted fish, all kicking and gurgling blood. Took about fifteen minutes all told.\n\n\"The first Man I killed was a rapist. Found him as he was buttoning up his trousers and she covered in blood. He wasn't a fighter, could barely hold the knife he'd threatened her with. He begged for mercy, begged me not to kill him. I threw him headfirst out of a fifth-story window, told him he wasn't worth the bullet. But most of them, they're just faces in dreams.\"\n\nFlint examined the blade's length, his green-gray eyes hovering about the razor-thin edge. \n\n\"And what about you? Have you killed anyone?\"he asked Faealina.\n\n\"No, not physically at least,\"she answered, eyes lowered. She took another sip of her tea. \"But words can cut as well as any blade, Flint. I know that better than most.\"\n\nHilary Flint nodded, a rueful smile on his lips. \n\n\"I try not to dwell on the past. I've made corpses and widows and orphans, fed dogs and crows and coffin-makers. Sometimes I have had to kill for survival, other times for vengeance. I've fought for causes and I've killed for pay. And you know what? It really doesn't matter. This world doesn't care if you're on the right side or the wrong side, whether you fight for honor or glory or money, if you're poor or rich, or Elvish or Mannish. I fight because I'm good at it, not because I enjoy it.\"\n\nHe set the whetstone aside, and picking up the saber, sheathed it in its scabbard. \n\n\"Don't ask me, dove, about how many I've killed because I don't know. Ask me instead how many lives I've saved. I know that number by heart.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Space law dictates the first to discover any intelligent species in the galaxy would have absolute rights over them. It worked out fine, until Earthlings developed space travel without outside help, and “discovered” the First Civilization." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"We are ready to initiate the first test of the jump-drive, Sir,\"said Lieutenant Fallborn. \n\n\"Very well, input navigation telemetry to RA 14h 39m 37s | Dec -60° 50′ 2, and prepare to engage,\"Captain Winterborn ordered. \n\nLieutenant Fallborn entered the coordinates into her console, \"Sir, coordinates are entered and the course laid in.\"\n\nCaptain Winterborn looked on reflectively, \"This test could be what redefines space travel for all of Humanity. Instead of traveling at warp, taking weeks, months, or years on a voyage, we will be there in moments. This could be the single most impactful event in history. With that said, engage the jump-drive Lieutenant.\"\n\nLieutenant Fallborn entered the code required to unlock the controls, and with great solemnity, pressed the button the engage a jump.\n\n\nThe world went white. \n\nThey could feel themselves being twisted and bent, not their flesh, but rather their souls. \n\nMoments later, reality reasserted itself - the world no longer washed out in white nothingness. \n\n\"I can't believe it...\"whispered Winterborn, \"we've done it! We've traveled using a jump-drive!\"The ship burst into cheers of joy and pleasure. They all knew what this would mean for them, and for humanity as a whole. \n\nAs she gazed triumphantly out the viewing port, she noticed something was definitely wrong.\n\n\"Lieutenant Fallborn! What are our current coordinates?\"\n\n\"Sir...I don't believe this. The instruments must be faulty...\"Her voice was low, worried. \n\n\"Lieutenant, I need an answer now!\"Winterborn barked.\n\n\"Sir, according to our instruments, we are in a different spiral arm of the galaxy...\"\n\nSuddenly, the panel flashed to life, blinking and blaring the distinct warning that radio communications were occurring nearby. \"Wait...that isn't possible,\"Fallborn stammered, \"Sir, we're picking up signals indicating intelligent life in the system.\"\n\nThe Captain's blood ran cold, \"First contact? On top of everything else, we have confirmation of alien life?\"\n\n\"Sir, there seems to be a planet in the system with signs of advanced life. From the debris field surrounding their planet, they appear to be space capable,\"she reported. \n\nThe Captain sighed heavily, \"Well, let's go and say hello.\"\n\nThey arrived at the planet in good order, sending out a message of universal peace and brotherhood.\n\n\"Sir, they have received our message. They are not responding.\"\n\n\"I wonder what they're waiting for-\"the rest of the Captain's sentence was cut short by an advanced looking ship pulling to port of her vessel. \"Shit!\"she exclaimed. \n\n\"Sir, they are requesting permission to board. What should I say?\"Fallborn asked.\n\n\"Say yes, dammit, we need to make sure this goes well.\"\n\nTheir response given, they waited near the docking bay. As the doors opened, they could make out three aliens standing in the airlock. They were red skinned, with five scaled arms. Their eyes were deep, slanted gashes in their skulls. \n\nThe only thing the crew found more surprising than their appearance was what they did when the doors opened - they lowered themselves to the ground in supplication. \n\nWinterborn dropped to the ground, mimicking the posture of the aliens, and gesturing for Fallborn to do the same. \n\nThe visitors seemed shocked, almost scandalized by the action. The lead alien questioned her, \"Why do you bow, master? You are the ones to discover us, not the other way around.\"\n\n\"Ah, I'm sorry. We don't know the custom,\"Winterborn stood and dusted her uniform. \n\n\"Never apologize to one as lowly as I, good master, unless of course it is your pleasure. According to galactic law, any species which discovers another is given dominion over that species. For the first time, my species seems to be the one discovered.\"While she had difficulty interpreting their facial expressions, they seemed vaguely relieved.\n\n\"Wait, how many species have your people discovered? How often is this an issue?\"asked Winterborn. \n\nThe creature chittered, \"At current count...438. Of course, your species now controls them all as well.\"\n\nFallborn fell to her knees. The Captain felt like following her lead—how would she explain to her superiors that they had accidentally conquered 439 species? \n\n____________\n/r/SirLemoncakes [Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/a6pu7y/wp_space_law_dictates_the_first_to_discover_any/ebxim9j/?st=jprc2rii&sh=00595c2b)\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "In the year 2200, an IQ test with 100% accuracy is invented. IQ becomes the universal grade of intelligence. By law, everyone has to take the test at 18. You’re a perfectly normal university student with a part time job but now you've got to explain to everyone why the test shows your IQ is 0." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"I've heard the rumors going around. Are you going to tell me what's up with your IQ?\"\n\nWe were on our way back from Robotics 102, where Alex and I had just finished the semester's final project: basic sentient AI. I hadn't told anyone about my score, but it had apparently gotten around anyway. \n\n\"I'd love to, man, but I don't know any more than you do. Must be a glitch.\" \n\n\"Couldn't be,\"Alex argued. \"Millions of kids take that test every year. Any glitches would've been sorted out by now.\"\n\n\"Then how do you explain me getting a zero? You've known me since we learned to talk, you think my IQ is that impossibly low?\"\n\n\"Nah, you're right. It doesn't make any sense. You think maybe they gave you a prototype for a new test or something?\"\n\nI shook my head. \"Why fix what's not broken?\"\n\nWe continued down Musk Lane toward the freshman dorm, where I was sure there would be a lobby full of curious faces staring at me. \n\nI'd never attracted this much attention before. How could I explain this to all of them? It's not like I could tell them the test is only accurate for humans. " } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Simultaneously, across the world, everyone hears a voice in their head. \"In 2 hours, the server will be shutting down for the final time. Thank you for playing Human ®.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "....... WHAT\n\nNo wait, that can't be right. \n\n\"Did-did you just hear that?\"Don asked me, tapping my shoulder from his desk. I shook my head, grabbing my bag and running to the elevator. \n\nCrap, it was full. I charged down the stairs, all 8 flights, in less than 10 minutes. I looked over to our parking, everyone was rushing to get out, to go home, surely. I shook, tears springing from my eyes as I pulled out my phone.\n\nThe network was down, everyone must be taking up the waves in calls. I stood there, dazed, phone crashing to the ground. Usually that would have scared me, but then I looked *up*.\n\nThere it was. A timer. Ticking down every last second, displayed for all of mankind. Next to the timer was an image, some kind of logo. \n\nI waited, watching chaos absent mindedly, as people used their final frantic moments in desperation. I saw orgies and murder and so many people jumping out of windows. \n\n00:01:00\n\nThis was it. A minute to go, and all I could think of was some stupid cat on a piano. I smirked, of course that was all I could think of. \n\n----\n\nSIMULATION TERMINATED\n\nThe buzzer blared, red light flooding the facility. The pods shook and whined, fluid draining from them rapidly. \n\n\"APPROACHING COORDINATES AS SET. PLEASE AWAIT LANDING PROTOCOL.\"\n\nThe machines hummed and whirred to life, as they began going through each row, checking vitals, preparing each human to awaken from Cryostasis. The AI pilot began the descent. \n\n----\n\nI awoke to the smell of cleaning supplies. I opened my eyes and looked around me, noting that things did not match my memory. When the robot appeared, I freaked. \n\n\"Please calm down, we are approaching the new planetoid. Your false memories will soon fade. Blessing, thanks to Cheribum.\"\n\n\"....Blessing, thanks to Cheribum.\"I found myself repeating. Suddenly an image of a ruined Boros came to mind, and the fog that clouded my vision faded. \n\nYes, we were chosen, sent to a new planetoid to be better than they were, to be *purer* than them.\n\nThe training had been completed. \n\nI had awoken, and now that I knew my enemy better than my self, I too could eventually purge the system of them. \n\n*Humans*" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Everytime you think of a funny joke, this girl in your class always laughs, you chalk it up to coincidence but you think to yourself, \"If you can read my mind, slap the table three times\"the the girl looks over at you, stares right into your eyes, and slowly slaps the table three times." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "(Not part of the story.) Hi, I'm new to this. I've never posted in /r/writingprompts before but I do love to write and thought I'd give it a go. Sorry for the poor editing and formatting, on mobile. If there is any interest I may post more later. Open to any constructive criticisms or comments. Thanks!\n\n\n/E - I'm commenting the new chapters as I write them. So many wonderful comments! Thank you all so much. Really inspirational to me. Again sorry for any sloppiness due to my being on mobile.\n\n/E #2 - I just wanted to say thank you all again. I've added chapters 7-10. Sorry for the wait I work 50-60 hours a week and finding time to write can be challenging. \n\nYou guys and gals' support and love means more than any of you can know. I've loved writing since I was a child and you all have encouraged me to chase my dream of becoming an author. However, I really have no idea where to begin or how but I've decided to try!\n\nAgain, thank you all!\n\n---\nChapters:\n[1-2](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8k316d) | [3-4](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8k9xtv) | [5-6](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8kiwsf) | [7-8](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8owm5e) | [9-10](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8ownzu) | [11-15](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8r7ljn) | [16-18](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8tg64t) | [19-20](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8uvubg) | [21-22](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e8xtqt3) | [23-24](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e9180a0) | [25-26](http://reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/9rut3f/wp_everytime_you_think_of_a_funny_joke_this_girl/e93ybf7)\n---\n\nCHAPTER 1\n\n\nI was blown away. For a moment I just stared back at her wondering how this could even be possible. Humans can't do such things. Telepathy isn't real. Right?\n\nShe giggles again, sticks the end of her pencil in her mouth playfully, and turns back to face the professor. The professor, a middle-aged man in a worn tweed jacket, is finishing a diagram on the whiteboard. Some obscure math problem that is to be our homework assignment, but that doesn't interest me now. The only thing on my mind is her.\n\nClass draws to a close and the other students begin gathering their belongings and making their way out of the room. Still I can't stop looking at her, staring like a fool. My mind races with questions, a torrent of emotions rushes through my body, I'm so utterly confused and at the same time, absolutely mesmerized.\n\nAs hastily as possible I grab my things, stuff them haphazardly into my book bag, and make my way towards her. She is sitting all alone at the side of the classroom, quietly readying to leave. Before I can get close she turns to me and puts a finger over her lips, signalling me to be quiet.\n\nStill clearly amused she says. \"Not here, take me to lunch.\"\n\nWith that she stands to leave and begins walking towards the door. She doesn't turn or check to see if I'm following, she doesn't seem to have to, she knows I'm there, following like an obedient puppy.\n\n\nCHAPTER 2\n\n\nLunch was chaotic, a tiny deli just off campus, extremely busy and filled with people. After some negotiation we were able to procure a small table on the patio. We sat our trays of ridiculously overpriced food down and sat across from one another.\n\nI was baffled, wanting to ask so many questions and wondering what kind of trick this was and how she could have possibly involved me in her illusion without my knowledge. She must've observed me telling a joke before and noticed a nervous tick in my mannerisms or picked up on some kind of tell. That's how she knew when to laugh. I was reaching to say the least, but the skeptic in me refused to allow me to believe it was anything other than a parlor trick.\n\nShe looked into my eyes hard like she was looking past them into my soul. Her gaze was locked on, unyielding, and intense. Despite my best efforts I couldn't look away. It was then I first noticed how incredibly beautiful she was.\n\nShe was pretty in a played down sort of way. Her perfectly applied, light, and tasteful makeup. Her soft and supple lips and hidden dimples. It's like she consciously tried to hide her beauty, or make herself unremarkable, but wasn't able to. She was attractive without trying. How had I never noticed before?\n\nWe sat for several minutes without speaking or eating, just staring. A part of me was anxious for answers but a bigger, more persistent part was calmed by her presence and felt comfortable just looking at her. Finally I decided to break the silence.\n\n\"Look, I don't know what that was back there or how you did it but, people can't be just read minds. What's the trick?\"I asked, overly sure of myself.\n\nShe laughed audibly, and for the first time since we sat down, looked down at the food in front of her.\n\n\"Hey.\"I said, getting slightly agitated.\n\nShe looked back up at me, smiled, and reached her hand out to touch my cheek.\n \n\"It's been so long.\"She said with emotion in her voice. \"So many years since we.\"\n\nShe stopped speaking and started using her fingertips to caress my face. A tear gathered in the corner of her eyes and she closed her mouth tightly.\n\nCalm again, slightly taken aback by her emotional display I asked, \"Since what?\"\n\nI let the question hang for a moment trying very hard to remember her face or recollect anything that might give me a clue about her identity. No such luck. I didn't want to seem insensitive but I continued.\n\n\"I don't know you.\"I whispered for some unknown reason. \"Do I?\"\n\nHer face was red now and the tears had streaked down her cheeks. But with my question she perked up and her face shifted into a huge grin.\n\n\"We've known each other many years and across several lifetimes my dear.\"She said. \"We have been together almost 20 times and married 10. We're soulmates.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Two god-like beings, disguised as old men, play a game of chess on a park bench to decide the final fate of humanity. The players, however, are distracted by a couple seated across them..." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Table stakes again?\"the thin man asked. He wore black, and the lines time had etched into his face were harsh.\n\n\"Not this time, I think,\"the shorter man said. He wore white, a business suit so pristine that it almost hurt to look at. The thin man cocked an eyebrow.\n\n\"The last game, then?\"he asked. The man in white considered for a moment, then nodded. Without another word, the two set up the chessboard which lie between them. It was concrete, and set into the table they shared, so grimy that even despite the bright midsummer light of a New York day, the city's grime had rendered both the white and black spaces a nigh-indistinguishable grey. Still, the two set their pieces, each drawing polished marble figures from a case of his own possession. The man in white played black, and the man in black played white. White king's knight to f3.\n\n\"Conservative,\"the man in white said.\n\n\"This is the game that matters,\"the man in black said. Black pawn to d5. Behind the white man, a couple sashayed by--two men, holding hands. The younger of the two was also shorter, Puerto Rican, and wore a fishnet tank top. His jeans could've been sprayed on. The man in black blinked. It would be hard to imagine a more stereotypically flamboyant fellow. The Puerto Rican man led his partner, an older black man with a salt-and-pepper beard and a charcoal business suit, to the table next to the two playing chess. The two kissed, the young fellow sitting on a concrete table identical to theirs.\n\n\"Interesting company,\"the man in black said. White pawn to c4. The man in white looked over slowly, rheumy eyes thoughtful.\n\n\"Réti Opening,\"he said, slowly returning his gaze to the board. The man in black shrugged. Black pawn to e6. \"It's surprising, in a way, to be playing this game, finally.\"\n\n\"All the world, hanging on a game of chess,\"the thin man said, and there was a note of satisfaction in his voice, of savor. \"All that ever was, all that is, and all that ever might be, decided by the movements of clicking marble and alabaster. One of us rises, and the other done away with forever. An eternity surrendered and true omnipotence gained.\" Yes, real enjoyment now. Anticipation. Hunger. White pawn to g3.\n\n\"Wait, what?\"the black man broke away from his amorous partner. He looked at the two old men, one in white and one in black, but he didn't break his lover's embrace.\n\n\"Nothing you need to fret over,\"the man in white said. Black King's knight to f6. He waved a hand, half-distracted, and the black man started to turn back to the loving arms of his partner, but he hesitated.\n\n\"No... There was something you said...\"he muttered, forehead creased in intense concentration, almost as if he'd just forgotten something truly important.\n\n\"We're playing Neo-Catalan today,\"the man in black said, and smiled. \"It favors white, you know.\" White pawn to d4. The man in white shrugged.\n\n\"You two are playing for something important,\"the black man said, and broke away from his partner.\n\n\"David,\"the Puerto Rican man whined, but he followed his partner's gaze.\n\n\"I said--\"the man in white said, again raising his hand.\n\n\"Let them be. It won't matter if I win, and you can erase their memories if you win,\"the tall man interrupted, and smiled. He turned to the two. \"I am playing this man for the fate of all the world.\" The Puerto Rican man laughed out loud, but the black man, David, remained stone-faced.\n\n\"You're the devil,\"he said, and when he said it there was a moment of perfect quiet, the thunder of the city and the park stilling for just that one instant. The tall man smiled, but said nothing. Black pawn to a6. David turned a bit. \"And you're God.\"\n\n\"Not as you imagine,\"the man in white said, glancing up. \"Though I prefer Yahweh. The old names are nice.\"\n\n\"David, they're having fun with you,\"the Puerto Rican man said, taking his partner's hand. David didn't move. White Queen's bishop to f4.\n\n\"You're off your game today,\"the tall man said. \"Not good.\" Yahweh shrugged ever-so-slightly. Black queen to e7.\n\n\"Can't you beat him?\"David asked, alarm growing in his eyes.\n\n\"Probably,\"Yahweh said. \"But those aren't the rules we play by.\" The man in black snorted in derision.\n\n\"Remarkable,\"he said. \"You heap abuse on them, and they still grovel for you.\" David glanced over, and Yahweh cocked his head to the side.\n\n\"Oh?\"\n\n\"Such hate for men who lie with men. Stone them. Burn them. Hang them,\"the tall man said, sneering.\n\n\"It's not that simple, Lucifer. It never is,\"Yahweh said. Lucifer shook his head. White pawn to a3. Lucifer turned to David.\n\n\"Are you a man of God?\"he asked. David drew in a breath of surprise, and glanced at Yahweh.\n\n\"I like to think so,\"he said, cautious.\n\n\"And you are a man who lies with men. A gay man.\" It was a statement. David nodded. Lucifer gestured across the table at Yahweh. \"His books say you should die. Horribly. How can you be both?\"\n\n\"I...\"David faltered. \"I don't know. I just am.\"\n\n\"You call that free will?\"Lucifer asked.\n\n\"I do,\"Yahweh said. Lucifer shook his head. Yahweh turned to David.\n\n\"Are you happy?\"he asked. David blinked.\n\n\"I... I don't know,\"he said, and both Lucifer and Yahweh paused. \"I'm kind of scared right now, to be honest.\"\n\n\"Aside from that,\"Yahweh said. \"Your life. Is it good?\" David considered.\n\n\"Sometimes,\"he said. \"Not all the time. It's complicated.\"\n\n\"You see?\"Yahweh asked. Lucifer shook his head and sighed.\n\n\"This claptrap again,\"Black pawn to h5, an obvious error. White pawn to b4, swiftly, securing the center.\n\n\"Why is it complicated?\"Yahweh asked, seemingly unperturbed at the state of the board.\n\n\"Well, I love two people. Alex,\"David said, and squeezed his partner's hand, \"and my wife, Marissa.\" Lucifer laughed.\n\n\"Adultery as well!\"he said. Yahweh didn't speak.\n\n\"They both make me happy,\"David continued, gaining steam. \"And I- I can't be with either one alone.\" He bowed his head. \"I wish I could be honest with her, though.\"\n\n\"Thank you,\"Yahweh said, a small smile warming their corner of the park. \"You would do it differently?\"he asked, turning back to the board. Black king's rook to H6.\n\n\"Of course I would,\"Lucifer said. \"That's the whole point, isn't it?\"\n\n\"How?\"Yahweh asked, and Lucifer froze.\n\n\"You've never asked me that before,\"he said after a long moment.\n\n\"I'm asking you now.\" Lucifer thought.\n\n\"No love would be wrong,\"he said, and looked at David. \"They're not hurting anyone. Why should they be punished?\"\n\n\"What about Marissa?\"Yahweh asked. Lucifer didn't say anything. After a time, Yahweh asked, \"What else?\"\n\n\"Freedom,\"Lucifer said, and the word was a whisper. \"Real freedom. No commandments from on high, no walls of faith or law, nor condemnation of the righteous as punishment. Men and women could do as they pleased.\" Yahweh looked surprised.\n\n\"You don't think they have that?\"\n\n\"They never have,\"Lucifer said, and shook his head very slowly. \"You created the most magnificent of all things, beings who could truly decide their own fate with only the dictates of existence itself to restrain them. No spiritual obligations, and yet minds as keen as the greatest of the Seraphim. Mankind was perfect in every way, and the first thing,\"Lucifer broke off and chucked for a moment. \"The very first thing you do is wall them in.\" He laughed again, loudly and long. David threw an arm around Alex, and drew the smaller man close.\n\n\"No,\"he said, with a sigh of savor. \"I would see what they can really do. Whether they could surpass even you in the fullness of time. I would see what comes from real freedom.\" White queen to a4. \"Check.\" Yahweh leaned back and regarded Lucifer.\n\n\"Is it really that simple for you?\"he asked, after a time. Lucifer nodded. \"Well, then, I suppose that I've been playing defensively for long enough today.\"\n\nAnd, slowly, Yahweh tipped his own king over. David gasped, and Lucifer's face screwed into a mask of confusion.\n\n\"I don't claim that the rules I chose were right,\"Yahweh said, his fingertips fading. \"Only that they were the rules I chose. I hoped to help my children grow a little taller by their existence.\"\n\n\"You didn't need to do that,\"Lucifer muttered, eyes still fixed on the fallen black marble king.\n\n\"Of course I did,\"Yahweh said, and Lucifer finally met his gaze. \"They weren't the only ones I gave free will to.\" His rheumy eyes twinkled for a moment, and then began to fade. \"Your rebellion was my greatest triumph. I could barely believe it when you rose up.\" Lucifer's breath turned ragged.\n\n\"They're yours now, in a way.\" There was a silence, as the last traces of Yahweh faded away. Then, like a scarcely-heard voice on the breeze, he added, \"Not so simple, is it?\"\n\nNobody said anything, for a while.\n\n\"What happens now?\"David asked, meeting Lucifer's gaze.\n\n\"I don't know,\"he said eventually. \"It's complicated.\"\n\nEdit: Thanks for all the comments, folks, and thanks to /u/read_know_do for pointing out where my inexperience at real chess messed up the game. Hopefully, it's fixed now." } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "Your roommate is obviously an alien trying to infiltrate humanity... but he pays the rent on time so you don't really care." }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"So, I'm going to a party tonight if you want to come\"I said as I walked into the kitchen to see Chad Chadson, my newest flatmate sitting backwards in a chair. \n\n\"Will there be any world leaders or important pillars of the human community?\"he asked. \n\n\"Possibly\"\n\n\"I will bring edibles\"he began, \"fish eggs and the flesh of immature house cattle\"\n\nNodding, I focused on the ground and responded \"yeah, I think crisps and some beer will probably go better, but it's good that you're offering to spice things up a bit\"\n\n\"Pepper\"\n\n\"Right, so anyways, we're going to get going around 5. I can drive us both there...\"I began, turning away from the kitchen.\n\n\"I will arrange my own form of transport\"he said as I felt a blast of energy at my back and a light which illuminated the hallway in front of me. \n\nI turned back around and Chad was gone. \n\n\"CALL ME. NOW.\"The text message from Maria read. \n\n\"Shit....\"I whispered as I pressed the green button and the phone began to ring. \"Hey, what's up?\"\n\n\"Your flatmate broke into my house, somehow, and is running around my kitchen slapping pieces of meat on various items and screaming 'engage thermals', dude, I told you that he could only come if you stayed by him the entire time, and I said nothing about him arriving four hours early, alone, and breaking the fuck in!\"\n\n\"THERMAL ENGAGE!\"Chad screamed in the background as he put the veal on Admiral McKenzie, the flat cat. \n\n\"Though to be fair, he also seems to have upgraded by fridge, so kudos for that.\"Maria added. \n\n\"Let me talk to him\"I said. \"Hey, Chad, listen buddy, it's not time for the party, can you just come back here and...\"\n\n\"WHAT THE FUCK!\"Maria shouted and dropped the phone as Chad materialised in the room with me. \n\n\"Where is the thermal engager?\"Chad asked. \n\n\"Right, the stove, come over here, grab a frying pan, you know, this, this thing, add some butter\"\n\n\"Cattle froth\"\n\n\"Butter...., some rosemary, lightly flour the veal, place it in like this, sprinkle some salt and pepper\"\n\n\"MY NASAL AIR IS UNDER ATTACK\"\n\n\"That's just the pepper buddy, let's just cook this for 3-4 minutes on each side, like that, right, then we just add some more pep...\"\n\n\"NO\"\n\n\"It's not necessary to do that, you're right, let's add in some white wine, let it evaporate for 3 to four more minutes, throw in some cherry tomatoes, some mozzarella cheese\"\n\n\"Cattle clumps\"\n\n\"Cheese.... two more minutes... almost there.... Now we put it on the plate, and pour on the juices.... and a bit of basil for show! See, all done!\"\n\n\"See, all done! Now we are ready to engage in human festivities\"\n\n\"Let's just put this in the fridge for a bit, and let it cool down and\"\n\n\"ENGAGE COOLING SYSTEMS\"he screamed as he threw the veal at the washing machine. \n\n\"Ex... exactly. Great. Well, I'll see you later for the party\"\n\n\"HERE ARE MORE EARTH CREDITS\"\n\n\"Thanks... thanks buddy\"\n" } ]

[ { "from": "human", "value": "\"Liar.\"\"I'm telling the truth. They put themselves in pressurized metal boxes and launch themselves out of their planet with liquid fuel canisters. Humans are insane.\"" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Kagra-shit. That's a video game mechanic, no species would be insane enough to *grenade-jump* into space.\"\n\n\"I'm telling you it's true. They use explosive force to get into orbit.\"\n\n\"Why don't they use MagRails like everyone else?\"\n\n\"We've looked into their radio transmissions. According to one institute the humans call ICP they don't actually know how magnets work.\"\n\n\"What? That's not possible.\"\n\n\"And yet here we are.\"\n\n\"Ok, so they're spaceworthy now, are they violent?\"\n\n\"Sometimes.\"\n\n\"What do you mean sometimes? You either evolve from predators or prey, violent or peaceful.\"\n\n\"They evolved from both. It may be why they're so... Weird.\"\n\n\"So they're sometimes violent. They've got force cannons, I assume?\"\n\n\"Nuclear torpedoes, actually.\"\n\n\"... What do you mean by nuclear, exactly.\"\n\n\"They harness the power released when atomic nuclei are split or fused.\"\n\n\"No they don't. That's stupid. You would have to use highly radioactive material, nobody would put their ships' crews at risk like that.\"\n\n\"The more modern vessels actually have reactors based on the concept.\"\n\n\"You're shitting me.\"\n\n\"Nope.\"\n\n\"Gabatax above, what have we gotten ourselves into? Do they have any redeeming features?\"\n\n\"They have an affinity for more primitive furry animals. They cuddle them and treat them like their own young, it's actually rather cute.\"\n\n\"Exterminate them. Immediately.\"\n\n\"Of course.\"\n\n---\n\n*Thanks for reading! /r/Xais56 for more!*" } ]