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R-Arfin

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Depression

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Depression and Addiction?

Hey, sorry to bother, but I have a family history on my mother's side of bipolar and I was taking anti depressants before due to depression and I used to drink alot. Well I was introduced to weed and love it, a little to much. I smoked every day, morning, day, night, and have drained my bank account on it. Now, for some reason, i have built an addiction to Fast Food, Porn, and sometimes my hypersexuality would rise at night and I would look for Hookers(been thinking of it before but it was crazy this time). Anyways, throughout all this, my depression has been getting worse while Smoking and taking anti depressants, desperately in our own ways as also dealing with the struggles of being an adult. I eventually started getting weird, INTENSE anxiety, and HEAVY intrusive and have been fascinated with suicide and thoughts(I always feel I've had OCD my entire life) Sometimes, its hard to deal with memorizing things and focusing. And i sometimes i cant control my thoughts. Ive had some weird delusions that i never thought of before and ive had to replay moments in my head from MORNING TO NIGHT TIME. EVERY DAMN DAY(Sometimes anyway)Anyways, I've had moments where i feel like my head hasn't been screwed on right sometimes, and my peers have had to I guess sort of "calm me down" because the stuff I was saying and thinking just weren't really adding up, and I could tell people around me were starting to get a bit angry. I decided that anti depressants wernt helping and stopped going to my therapist and completely stopped taking them.Anyways, I've always had problems with anger when i was younger(Self Harm all through elementary school) I lost my job recently and put dents into a my car and broke my hand. Lately this anger has been so intense, because I'm dealing with my insecurities. Recently I did a fake suicide attempt to see if I could pull through it and I did it in mutiple sorts of ways and i felt so happy that i could do it.,

My boyfriend 19/M and I 19/F are having a rough relationship and it's making my depression harder and harder each day.

TW: (mention of mental illness and abuse) My boyfriend (19) and I (19), have been dating for almost 4 years now. We got together in sophomore year of high school, and now we're sophomores in college. In the next coming weeks, I will be moving into my first apartment with him back up to our college town. (we have lived together at his parents house for almost 3 months now). I have been struggling with Major Depressive Disorder with psychosis, PTSD, and BPD. It gets in the way of our relationship occasionally, but recently I have been keeping to myself. He saved my life before and I forever owe him everything I have to give. A few days ago, I had some problems with some dark thoughts and I tried to have a discussion with him or reach out so I wouldn't do anything rash. The only thing he responded with was; "that is not an option" and "I don't know what you want me to do". (let me mention, this whole time we have been dating I have told him and explained to him hundreds of times on how to help me, yet I dont think he cares or retains the information??). Instead of being caring and understanding or helpful, he gets upset and distant from me, blaming me for the things that have happened to me in my past/for my dark thoughts and disorders. Now, he wants me to pack a bag of some of my things and go live at my mother's house in a different city for a few days with absolutely no contact. (my mother's house was very traumatic, I was abused there). He said, no contact included; no texting, calling, or seeing eachother for almost 4 days. I don't like the idea of that, and I don't know why he wants me to do it? He's always been faithful and doesn't have any girls on his phone or has done anything suspicious the whole relationship. I always ask him to do the bare minimum. But, he always claims he does, even though I wouldn't be asking him if there wasnt a reason. When I talk to him about this, he does not answer, look at me, or pay attention to me anymore. He also claims that he loves me and that he does not want to leave me. Yet, his actions do not make sense when his words mean another? I just don't know what to do. :( tl;dr: boyfriend does not seem to care about me anymore, wants me to go no contact for a few days, and is emotionally unavailable?

Living life on autopilot. Apathetic and empty

Recently moved to a new city with my wonderful boyfriend. Thought this would help my depression but of course, it didn’t. The empty feeling is still there. I observe other people and life around me and feel so disconnected. Nothing excites me. I feel doomed and destined to die by my own hand. Not today, not tomorrow, but sometime in the future. I feel like I’m just not made for this world and wish I didn’t have to leave behind people that I love. This feeling will never fully go away. Been on so many meds, therapy for years with little improvement. Just needed to vent.

Went to prom and it was fucking miserable

Maybe Im just a depressed loser but prom was awful. The whole time I thought about if my ex long distance gf was there. I miss her so much. We were long distance and it tore me apart inside. Everything couples did, I couldn't. I convinced myself that one day my pain would be worth it. She broke up with me. The pain was not worth it. Fucking hate life man. Just wanna die and disappear

can't actually do it

wish someone would do it for me. ruined my life and it just snowballs. it'll get better they said. you have so much to live for they say. almost got into a head on collision with a semi about 20 min ago, fight or flight kicked in and i swerved. now im typing this with my s/o sitting right next to me completely unaware, you're spoiled she says. stop being a brat she says. just makes me want to end it more. ​

Mom's freezing me out again

My mom and I had a "fight" (she snapped at me because my time was disappointed when she told me to go upstairs and that she was taking over the living room for the night) and I stood up for myself over text. She has been freezing me out ever since. It's been 3 days and she hasn't said a word to me. I feel so alone. She is the person I love most in the whole world and she won't even look at me. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I miss her. My depression always gets worse when she does this. She's literally the only reason I'm not going to kill myself, and she won't talk to me. I feel small.

i've been trying so hard to overcome everything but i feel like i always go a full circle back

i haven't let my feelings out for a while so here i am *tw brief mentions of sh* i'm someone who used to just wallow in my self pity and didn't really want to get help. a few months ago i decided that i shouldn't let myself rot like this and i should start trying my best to get better again an important note is that i am in a low income household where mental health is a taboo topic and being on meds + therapy is something that is heavily looked down on, so you can guess what sorta of family i'm in, so getting help professionally was out of the question, plus i'm still in high school i didn't listen to sad music anymore because i knew it made me more depressed, i began to make plans with friends more often, i took good care of myself and maintained a good sleep schedule and self care routine, stuff like that. i always distracted myself whenever i caught myself starting to overthink and i made sure to give myself time alone since i have low social battery i know it sounds small but i really didn't know where to start and there wasn't anything big i could do. a big thing is that i stopped sh and it would work and then it wouldn't and honestly this cycle is just awful and i feel myself getting more and more exhausted each time i know i shouldn't force myself into "feeling better" but i can't stand being like this forever i used to sh to cope with everything but now my scars are practically invisible and i started work so i didn't want to do it anymore (i work with kids, it gets hot, i don't want anyone to see that) worse thing is there's no apparent cause for why i'm feeling like this i just hate myself so much

Ive gotten really stressed recently, and have been taking it out on other people.

I don’t know why I’m acting out. I feel like there’s not enough time for me to make logical choices and actions. At the moment, I’m just a ball of anger and sadness. I cannot eradicate the cause of my stress either.

idk anymore, feel like giving up on everything

I want to love someone so badly, I have had nights of thinking what's the meaning of life & only thing I can come up with is love. But I can't for the life of me find that. No matter how a hard I try. I don't even feel like people talk to me much, I know people but I don't get talked to unless I start conversations. That's with friends. Relationship wise I've had no success, most recently I matched with a girl but she said she was only looking for friends, which is fine. We talked for many days just talking about our experiences & life, I was someone falling for her I guess. I asked her a few hours ago how her day is today & she said she thinks she found a man. Obviously that's fine. It's her life but I was falling for her. I asked how they met & she said she matched with him yesterday & they talked almost all night. Only 1 night & you're already in love? I've expressed my feeling to her & she says she thinks I'm cute & all but isn't looking for someone. Then 2 days later I get told you found someone,? Why even tell me? Idk I'm probably over reacting but it hurts. I feel like crying. I feel like giving up. Don't feel like I have anything going for me. When I'm home I sit there & do noting all day. When I try & meet people I get put down.

overwhelmed and lost

i want to see a therapist but only have medicare and would have to pay some money out of pocket maybe life is so overwhelming for me idk what to do anymore im 35yo feel wasting life away

I want to hide

I finally bought a tattoo gun. Kinda random but i thought it would be better to use that then a knife to cut. Now all I want to do is cover my arms i have so many scars and I know everybody sees them and its embarrassing. My gf thinks im obsessed but i dont know how to explain it to her that I just want to fucking hide from it, just thought id post this. Ya’ll have been pretty accepting so i figured id post here hoping im not the only one, sorry 😅

I actually hate myself.

Does anyone else just fucking hate themselves? Their whole personality and persona.... The way they talk to people or the way they do things? Like I just feel like a fucking twat no matter who the fuck I talk to. I just always feel like a waste of space in everyone's lives and the more I desperately try to have any kind of social life, the more I realise that I'm just one big walking disaster and I'd rather just fucking kill myself than have to go through this pointless, boring and mundane life. I want to actually live, not just fucking survive, but I can't even do what basic fucking humans can do. I hate the everything about the way I look, I just hate the person I've become from years and years of abuse. I hate how many people I push away from being "too much drama" I hate how fucking low a point of my life I'm in that I'll allow random strangers on the internet to effect my mood in real life and making me feel like I even need them. I literally need professional support so bad before I just kill myself and leave this wretched planet. I get enough abuse at home and then try to make online friends and it just ends up the same.... Either that or they just ghost me, are thirsty men or we just gradually stop talking. Can't be fucked anymore. Can't be fucked with fake friendships in real life or on the internet. Can't be fucked with being constantly attacked for just being myself and not even doing anything wrong? I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this because Reddit is just as shit. Social media is a parasite. But if I didn't have it then I'd be completely and utterly alone ..... Although I guess maybe that would be better anyway.

I don’t want to have to work and am considering suicide

I cannot think of anything worse than spending the rest of my days working. What’s it all for anyway? I’m just going to die regardless and I don’t see the point in spending the rest of my days miserable, working in a job I will undoubtedly hate when I could just end it all now. It all amounts to the same anyway.

Why does someone have to ask for help?

Maybe I have a complicated relationship with my parents. They seem to hold things over my head, but they are overall great parents. My life is in shambles, I have had some medical issues recently. I live in a new city and I have no support network. My medical issues keeps me from working, and any hobbies. It has been very rough year. I don't have the best thoughts. My parents tell me they are concerned, but they insist that i ask for help. They seem more interested in providing words rather than actions. They finally made the trip to my new city, I think i ultimately asked, but it took several weeks of them offering, but only if i asked. Every conversation involves them saying we see you are hurting, but you have to ask for help. I don't understand why they make me beg for help.. Only to hold it over me later? Maybe we are just poor at communication. ​ I dont understand, is this my problem? How would i even know what to ask for.

I’m a mess on social media

I’ve been struggling really really hard with social media addiction ever since the pandemic. Maybe a bit before that. But all my socials are just plastered with sad depressing shit ever since like a year and a half ago. It sometimes surprises me just how much I’ve wrongly used social media as an outlet for all the shit I go through everyday. It’s not right. The feelings aren’t wrong but I think it’s become pathological at this point. I’ve made genuine attempts at reaching out and getting help, but they’ve never been reciprocated. I spend everyday alone and I barely, get a few words out everyday just to talk to my mom. But other than that I’m completely silent and alone all day. Laying in bed or thinking about how shit and devastating my life has been. And I’m not invalidating any of the shit I’ve been through. Mental illness, stress disorders, sleep disorders, heartbreak and crushed dreams and isolation have ruined me and changed my personality for the worse. I think the worst feeling is when I realize just how fucking much I’ve tried to turn my life around. How much I’ve put every ounce of energy into changing my habits and how I’ve failed every time. How my very obsession with doing shit the right way is precisely what caused me to end up in this hole. How it was the reason for my mental illness, dissociation and generalized anxiety disorder. But digressing: people do ask me sometimes why do I always post sad shit on social media. And while sometimes I do get some words of encouragement, they always feel hollow. None feel good. I’ve had to deal with these feelings of disillusionment and emptiness every fucking day for who knows how long. The feeling of dissociation, seriousness and bitterness started about 7 years ago. The crippling feeling of impotence, craziness, lack of self-control and guilt for two years. And the feeling of melancholy and depression for about a year.

how to be normal

i’ve been pretty depressed lately, eating less, smoking more, just overall down. my boyfriend has mentioned how hard it is to deal with me when i’m sad (it’s harder cuz we’re long distance). i can tell this is having a pretty negative effect on him, i don’t want to burden him anymore, i want to be enjoyable to be around. but how do i do it? everything seems so fucking dull and im thinking about killing myself all the time. how do i at least pretend to be better and likable?

I hate my life

My wife and I are separated living under the same roof. She’s talking to another man across the country and swears it doesn’t mean anything, but I’m not stupid. She says she wants to be with me and I just need to figure myself out. Her deciding to be emotionally intimate with someone else says enough for me. I love my wife with everything I have. I built what I thought was the dream life with her. I’m broken. The only thing keeping me here is my son. Most days I dream I don’t wake up the next day. Everything feels so cold in this life now.

should i go to the ER again?

my medication is having negative side effects for context i started buspirone for anxiety and had extreme drowsiness, paranoia and hallucinations (some of which i couldn't tell the difference between reality and if it was a hallucination) so i stopped taking it and switched to Effexor xr and within an hour of taking Effexor xr i vomited and ever since then i have felt nauseous and more anxious and even more depressed. i can't function in my daily life because of the medication and even stopped going to work because i was having these symptoms. it's been hard to eat since then and i feel like vomiting everything i eat and the thing is despite being depressed and anxious for a while i kept telling myself to just keep pushing through because that was the only thing i knew how to do and i guess i just collapsed or something because my medication that i restarted had adverse side effects i never experienced. ive had a hard time reaching out for social support or even wanting to find a therapist. i just feel like there's no hope and im trapped in the same endless cycle.

My will to live is slowly weakening

Things were good I was doing good but then like always depression sneaks up on me and here I am slowly taking pills from my mom so I can kill myself why the fuck did I try so hard all those years was I so foolish to think I could actually be happy and heal what the fuck was I thinking I’m almost 200 days clean 14 more days but it’s really fucking hard the little voice in my head to keep going is really fucking annoying why can’t it shut up I’m tired and tbh I’m not even angry I just feel like a fool for thinking for even a second I could be happy that’s just not for me no matter how hard I try this is my life it’s time I stop fighting it

Childhood trauma?

Any healing notes on childhood trauma?

I don't wanna help myself

I guess that makes me a coward or a weakling right? I don't wanna climb out a hole someone dug an threw me in.. i just want it to all be over.. though I've been through things i know how unfair they were an out of my control.. now im damaged from it.. i dont wanna read self help care books i dont wanna reparent myself i just wish someone loved me when i needed them the most.. I just want to be genuinley cared for.. I say this in a sub of thousands of others that chant the same sentence. This post will disappear an probably never be seen by anyone because nobody really cares. "If you cant help yourself then why should anyone else try?" You're right it isnt their responsibility.. ill rot

Idk how to fix this depression a single bit

I don't know how to cure depression from a missed opportunity i got it from a girl that's 10 i felt too embarrassed to ask if she wanted to be my girlfriend and i lost the opportunity and i don't now where she lives i have high or sever depression but im only 10 and i'd feel embarrassed to tell my parents and i'm only home schooled i think i also have anoxious attachment probably i just want this to stop thing's i have probably is anoxious attachment. paranoid for her but i don't know where she lives. embarrassment if i probably do tell them. don't want to miss her. she's like me kind of so i can't stop thinking about her. i lost entrest on way too much and now things are boring and probably a harder life and grammer is not good because of trying to fix the body text problem i'm a bit new to reddit mostly new to tryin to post also im not lieing wish this wasn't when I'm 10 and I wish this doesn't sound overkill please believe me :(

I’m wondering if I’m depressed again and should get back on my medication. Does this sound like mild depression?

I suffered from major depression in high school and I was on both Prozac (for OCD) and Wellbutrin from the ages of 14 to 19. Since then I hadn’t really felt depressed. But recently I’m wondering if I am depressed again. I’m not really sure what mild depression is like but I’m wondering if this is it. I’m 23 now and graduated college this December and moved back with my parents and it was a rough transition for me and I felt really depressed for a couple of months. Then I moved out to my own apartment and started working full time in March and I have felt better. Recently I’ve noticed that the past 6 months have seemed to fly by, and it seems like I’m just living through each day. Nothing has seemed memorable or exciting enough for me this year to care. The world seems more dull, I don’t feel myself savoring each moment of being alive like I had been, I lack the curiosity and excitement I had back then, etc. The one thing I noticed that made me wonder if I’m depressed is that the previous couple of years I REALLY enjoyed discovering and listening to new music. Now I just don’t do it anymore or really enjoy listening to music. However, I find myself listening to a lot of the music I discovered back then so I can be reminded of those times, but it’s not really doing anything for me anymore. 2 years ago I started regularly going on dates. At first, dating was new and exciting and I would feel very strongly towards whomever I was dating and be excited to get to know them. Now, although I have been exciting about some of the men I was seeing, it is starting to feel more like a routine, or obligation. I find myself daydreaming about my past relationships a lot and the excitement and highs and lows I felt back then. However, if I get ghosted, it makes me anxious and puts me in a really bad state of mind. I constantly feel like I need to keep myself busy so I don’t feel lonely, and I think that these feelings come from the disappointment of not being able to do plans I was excited about and then having to scramble to fill my time with something else. I think I’m going to take a break from dating soon. I’ve been desperately trying to make new friends and try new hobbies, which I enjoy. However, back then, having fun felt like I was savoring the moment and making memories. Nowadays, having fun just feels like having fun and it feels more dull. It’s a weird feeling of feeling like my exciting and happy days are over, I’ve learned and experienced everything I needed to, and there’s nothing left to feel excited or curious about anymore. Ask I’m thinking about asking my doctor about putting me back on Wellbutrin for the first time since I was 19. However, I wanted to ask this subreddit first. For anyone who has struggled with mild depression, does this seem like it? Or do you think this could be the product of my lifestyle or just getting older?

tips for severe depression?

i am in summer break, so there is literally nthg forcing me to get up i didnt shower in 6 weeks i haven t changed my bedding or my home clothes in months i smell like shit but it s just too fking hard i didn t see another human being outside my toxic divorced familly in the past few weeks i picked anorexia nervosa along the way too i relapsed in self harm to the point i do nothing all day besides lay in bed and cut and cut and cut WHAT. DO. I. DO?

Apathy?

I graduated college with a whole ass diploma, my family is great, my chronic illness is in remission, and I quit my addiction. Why can’t I study for my nursing license? Why am I sad every single day? It feels like there’s no reason for this…my life is going pretty good. Depressive episodes are weird like that. I don’t care to start working, and I don’t want to leave the house. I could be working as an amazing nurse. Why am I so sad? I see a therapist, and we worked out a plan to make my day productive. Yet somehow I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m wasting my life away moping around. I am responsible for my own well-being.

The pain won’t ever go away

It’s constant. The feeling of dread when I get up. The pain I feel in my chest when I realize I’m really still alive. I would do anything to take it away. I really think i’m nearing my limit. It’s always been bad but now i’m just over it. I’m scared. I need help but I just can’t accept any help I get anymore because it never works. I can’t handle it anymore. It’s taking me over. I feel or think nothing but these thoughts. I don’t know what i’m doing.

Rant: Wrapping up therapy

So my therapist said I should think about "graduating" and ending therapy. I mean, she has a good point; there is a good deal of just chit-chat we do to fill up the time. I told her I was a little nervous because the last time we had that conversation, I was diagnosed with uncontrolled diabetes and had to go on a strict diet that made me more actively suicidal. She correctly pointed out that it happened several years, and since then I found an endocrinologist who prescribed the newer meds that let me eat more normally. If I am honest with myself, what I am really afraid of is loneliness. She is really the only person I chat with off of the internet. My husband has severe ADD and problems with empathy, so talking to him can be frustrating. My mom died at the start of COVID, and when I talk to my dad for too long something I say reminds him of her and he gets weepy. I know my therapist's solution would be to try to find a social outlet. At one point I joined a local writers group, but got enmeshed in stupid drama and quit both the group and writing. She is pushing book clubs; my local library doesn’t have any but the next town over has a library that does. I am just worried it will end in drama again. I used to say that there were two kinds of people: those who don't know me and those who don't like me. My therapist managed to avoid both categories. I don't know if lightning will strike twice.

feeling a bit numb

hello everyone, I'm honestly not sure what the goal of this post is but I just feel like I need to blow off some steam. Lately I've been in such a negative headspace. I've been going through my daily life feeling empty inside, like absolutely nothing brings me joy or brightens my day. I'm currently taking a super rigorous summer class at my college, and it's honestly the only thing that's been keeping me afloat. For as long as I can remember, academics has been my safe haven. I've always excelled academically and the satisfaction of getting a good grade or getting a concept right is honestly the only thing that's been keeping me from spiraling. I've been struggling with body image, family issues, and friendships. I just feel like everything and everyone is so draining that I just want to avoid everyone for as long as I can. I really hate this feeling but I'm not sure what to do to pull myself out of this. Any advice would honestly be appreciated. Thank you all!

I’ve decided

Trying won’t get me anywhere, I will still be bothered by everything. It’s clear to me suicid3 is the only decision, I’m patient so I can wait until it’s the right time. I feel so horrible, so sad I won’t experience life and everything that will happen in the future, but rather be left behind… it’s ok tho I feel left behind already, after death u don’t feel anyways. I can’t think that my life will get great for certain and waiting for something that is uncertain just doesn’t feel motivating enough

Manage panic attack

Hello , I’ve had a panic attack 2 days ago , and from then I wake up with chest pain and dark thoughts , It usually disappears within 1 week , but I have 4 exams in 2 days and I need to be prepared, Any advice?

Option

To bad I'll always be an option.... one day it'll end

I need some support

My boyfriend dumped me after I told him about me un a livable attempt a few weeks ago. He said he doesn’t want to be apart of it. I just got out of the hospital shyer a week. We where living together and have a dog together.. haven’t heard from him and my heart is non stop breaking all over again ):

I'm a piece of selfish shit

I have an depressive episode. My mother has terminal cancer since last week I couldn't anymore and told her I want to kill myself even though I promised her to make her life beautiful before she passes away. I can't stand up House is amess I'm disgusting I fucking hate myself

I'm having a moment today

I'm having a moment and just want to say something to anyone out there because I don't think I've spoken out loud to anyone in a day or two and that seems bad. I'm unemployed for the second time in two years. I am moving and I'm stressed out. I'm in debt to my eyeballs from charging my rent and food and healthcare costs to my credit cards. My family sucks and every once and a while I feel shitty because I want more support from them than I know I will ever receive. I don't have many friends, so no one really checks on me. I do have a wonderful partner that I love deeply I feel like I'm an awful burden to with my sadness. I have pets I love and I'm grateful they are here with me. I already told my psych doctor how I've been feeling who upped my meds, etc. I then cried some more bc my copay was so high and I have to decide if I pay for healthcare with my unemployment money next month. I know it's not supposed to be the end of the world( it's just money )but my emotions are so overwhelming and I worry everyday that I might slip a little bit too far and and become completely hopeless and that's nervous breakdown territory for me. It's scary. I'm scared. Thank you for listening.

“I can’t love someone that doesn’t love themselves”

My boyfriend said that to me while going on about how he is tired of me feeling sad and horrible about myself all the time. I understand how draining it is to be with someone mentally ill (I have diagnosed Bipolar depression), however, his statement still stings me till this very day. Am I truly unloveable because of my inability to be happy? It feels as though he is affirming all of my negative beliefs about myself.

My depression is back very strong..last time it was like this I attempted to hang myself….

Idk…the beast (it’s what I call my depression) is back and it’s just overwhelming…I’ve been depressed/had thoughts of dying since I was 8 years old..I’m 34 now…I feel so fucking useless…I’m ashamed that I’m alive…I’m ashamed I exist…I hate this….I hate that I’m being a fucking bitch I stopped taking my meds a month ago…I’m sorry for venting and being melodramatic

I’m completely lost and so tired of life

It’s summer, I hate it. I don’t know if it’s the expectation that I’m supposed to be outside having fun doing generic summer activities like swimming or going to the beach and I can’t, or just the fact that summer is the worst fucking idea for a season that could ever exist. It’s constantly over 100f and the humidity reaching 80% during the day. Outside is completely fucking unbearable. It doesn’t help that the majority of my friends just decided to not exist anymore (they’re alive just that they don’t talk to me). I’m still in high school and our summer break ends in just over two weeks and I have no fucking clue what to do.

Why don't people listen? Never listened befor....

Eventually the cops are going to get here

idk where to write this

i feel an emptiness inside of me and a urge to party or something all the time, and lets say while partying i feel like i dont want it no more what can i do

i want something to live for

what do you do when you feel like life isn’t worth living? i don’t have much going for me. i don’t have anything to live for except working at a 9-5 for the next 50 years and paying taxes. i just want something to give me hope. i want to be happy and have fun. i want the lives other people have. i want to travel. i want to be financially stable and do what i want. i want to meet new people and see the world. but i can’t do those things because i wasn’t lucky enough to have a life that lets me do those things. i think everyone’s fate is determined when they’re born. why wasn’t my fate full of me being rich and a traveler? i want to go explore and try new things without worrying about money. i want something to live for. i hate the life i live. i feel like dying.

I feel like a fool.

After an appointment with my therapist a week ago, I was sent to mental hospital, psychiatric ward, whatever you wanna call it. 0/10 would not do again. Just got out after pretending to be “nice”. So I was talking to my therapist again, telling her what it was like. It was terrible. The things other patients and nurses do were something out of a movie. Keep in mind that this was supposed to be a high quality place. Patients pacing the halls, day and night, running around naked, bragging about how much drugs they do, etc. And the nurses, probably the worst part. Four of them tackled one small girl because she was trying to leave. They opened and closed the magnetic door, slamming her to the wall when she tried to leave. What the Fuck? There’s at least 20 nurses and such in that area at all times, and they all just watched, laughing, or pretending it didn’t happen. There was supposed to be a schedule for group therapy, individual therapy, recreation, all that stuff. None of it ever happened, we just got excuses after excuses. Nurses just said they didn’t feel like it, and the recreational therapist had quit months ago. We were supposed to see a psychiatrist and medical doctor once a day, but in seven days, I saw them each once. They would simply walk in, wait in their office for 15 or 20 minutes, and leave. I was on a 72 hour involuntary hold, and I thought that would be it. I was put on a 14 day hold for no reason. I asked the psychiatrist why, and he laughed In my face. So, after getting out, I talked to my therapist, and she wasn’t surprised!? She said, “That’s just how it is,” and other BS like that. They treated us like zoo animals, like disobedient children. They’ll treat us like shit, and then ask why we’re feeling like shit. I’ll never trust therapy again, I’ll never trust anything that has to do with mental health again. Seems like all these people want me to stay alive and stick around for their satisfaction, I’ve been suicidal for years. It might be tough to hear, but this is what I think: If someone wants to kill themselves that badly, let them. P.S. Don’t get started on the Christianity bs, I used to be a Christian myself. If God was real, he’d prove his existence and help people.

Recommendation request Mood Tracker App iPhone free

Can anyone recommend a free mood tracking app for iPhone??

Not sure where to go now

on mobile, sorry for formatting. I’ve been dealing with this for a while and was in therapy in high school. My therapist told me it was time to get a formal diagnosis and maybe start on meds and I stopped going after to avoid that. I did maybe “snap out of it” a few months later and was mostly good, but it’s been a few years and it’s back and I don’t know what to do anymore. Everyone keeps telling me to stop or asking why because I do have a good life, and of course I’m grateful for it. And people keep piling on religious guilt about this being a sign of me turning away from God. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try to keep up with the lifestyle changes like exercising and getting out of bed and doing things that are supposed to make me happy and bring me peace but I’m so tired of this. I don’t know why this is happening again and I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. It doesn’t look it but I am trying. I’m just so tired. I don’t even know where to go from here. I didn’t love therapy, I don’t think meds are an option. Do I just try taking control of my life again? Do I get more aggressive with productivity? I just don’t know where to start and I can’t even imagine a happy life for myself anymore. All my hope for the future has just been sucked out of me and I feel like I’m nothing anymore.

Nothing sounds fun anymore

I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life. I’m 24 now and I’m working two jobs to pay the bills, so I hardly have any free time. When I am free, nothing sounds fun anymore. I never feel like doing anything even though I know I should because I only have a very limited amount of free time. I go to bed early every night. Not because I’m tired, but because I don’t feel like sitting around and staring at my phone waiting for something to seem fun, cause nothing ever does. I’ve never tried therapy. I could never afford it myself, and still can’t. When I asked my parents growing up if I could go, they referred me to a biblical counselor, which didn’t help shit. Anyone have thoughts? I’m tired of being bored and lonely all the time. I’ll think about what I want to do all day while I’m at work, but I never have the motivation when I get home.

Stress causing acne

Hello, I have been wondering if stress really do cause acne. I have been depressed let’s say due to exams and worsened due to family problems. I had a panic attack for the first time where i felt my arms stiff/numb and my mouth felt dry and my breathing becomes irregular that I can no longer breath. After that episode everything was a shock for me. I started to have this enlarged lymph nodes on my right neck since last year September and had it checked upon by a doctor and he only prescribed me with antibiotics but still it didn’t disappear and he had me ultrasound for it. Ever since then my acne worsened and on my recent x-ray the doctor said I have pleurodiaphragmatic adhesion on my right lung and its nonspecific as said by the doctor when she had me check-up for a pneumonia. Is everything related to one another? Has anyone experience the same before?

My migraine is not making it better

It feels like i've been hit in the head with a baseball bat

The way out

Early 20s M here. I am just so sick of falling into the same loop again and again, and despite my best efforts not be able to get back to being a functional human being. It starts with me realizing over the past 6-7 years slowly but surely that I have mental health issues. The process is sped up with losing people near me and just not being able to recover from it long enough to get my can do attitude or even every day functionality back. It's just been an endless repetition of some manic energy, getting very basic stuff done that include personal hygiene and stepping out of the house at times because it gets that bad. Then comes a small minuscule trigger and back to square one, only over time the coping mechanisms get so fucked up that next time I'm in my depressive phase it lasts longer because I've figured out how to get it back running again. It's like a vase that had a few broken pieces but figured out how to make do with that, even though in the long run it might just shatter. Even falling asleep has become an issue of late because the traumas come back to haunt me. This is despite being from privilege although in a tight spot these past few years. What I fear the most is that this situation and my crappy coping mechanisms which are only prolonging and aggravating the problem will result in irreversible damage. I'm at a point in my life where I need to build it back up not just for me but for the remainder of my family but despite having the motivation and energy to do so, sooner or later it just runs out and then the spiralling begins again. I've never shared before on the internet because I'm paranoid of being exposed as anxiety disorders do that to you. I have tried therapy and medications ( for a shorter period) but I just lack the will to put aside short term avoidance/happiness to get the bigger picture back together and this just feels like rock bottom. Till it happens again and I discover that it gets worse for me personally even if other stuff in life is on the mend.

My Depression

I am a male and to be honest I don't know what to do with myself. I recently had my Papa die (grandpa), and ever since then I am in a constant loop of depression, I have nobody to talk to, I don't have any motivation to do anything. I can barely sleep without taking medication, this has caused more problems than I can count, all the things in my life that I need to be doing I can't find the strength to do. The only thing I have actually been able to do is get on my computer and watch television, which only dulls that kind of pain for a little while. Everyone around me tells me "You can talk to me," but when I actually try and talk to them suddenly they aren't there or they don't have the time to help me. Then if I get into too much detail they start going on the typical routes. The reason I am here is to ask what are ways that I can cope with my depression because most of everything I have tried doesn't work. Just asking for a little bit of help from the community of those like me.

Feeling down

I guess it’s more than just feeling down it’s depression. Im stressed out about school, work, finances, lack of friends, and lack of dates. I feel like I’m drowning all the time and I can barely get my head above water. On top of this I feel so alone and unwanted. Im going to therapy and im taking medication for depression and anxiety. Im hoping one day it’ll get better and i won’t feel like this anymore.

Depressed and believe that Im targeted.

People dislike me for some reason. Im always targeted for some reason. People are shitty. Im in the process of applying for disability. Ive bit my nails to bleeding nubs and i feel like Im at the end of the road. I want to give up. I have a hard enough time interacting and my emotions are hidden. I am too friendly. People in this 3 story building dislike me (around half) because of what I look like because Ive done nothing to them in order for me to be disliked but earlier some random person started asking me for private information and said he was trying to stop local murders, which tripped me out even further. I want to just give up trying to get on my feet again in order to he productive in life. Ive never felt suicidal as much as now. People here can be disgusting, and I just want to hide away until I wither.

Idk

No matter what I do nothing feels good enough honestly I feel like I’m constantly trying to fix things and nothing ever works I’m looking for a job no luck there trying to get my ged but the math part I’m stuck on I’m honestly just at a point where i just wanna die

IDK what matters

I don't know why. I don't know why I bother trying. And when, I absolutely give up whole heartidly... And do something,...I get this intend and overwhelming instinct try to counteract what I've done/am doing and keep going. So exhausting. Honestly can't even tell myself what I'm really holding onto.. Can't help clinging into some I'll I'll advised exlectiopni of myself of life.

Need Advice for a depressed friend and therapy and alcohol

I have a close friend that is constantly dealing with depression. The cries for help are heard by his circle, but unfortunately he is typically intoxicated when these cries for help and deep thoughts strike him. He is not a alcoholic in your standard view of alcoholism like domes needs it every day. Just when he does drink, he is completely different person even with the fewest of drinks. After the years of battling this with him, I've finally put my foot down and told him enough. If he is not going to seek proper help and sobriety, I can't answer his cries anymore. He is claiming he's been going to therapy and trying to get his life back in order and has "cut back" on drinking but still doesn't show it. My question to those of you familier with depression and therapy is does the therapist not recommend going sober? I'd love to be that person and help him but I refuse to help unless he addresses the alcohol problem. I am shocked if he's true to his word and going to therapy twice a week and this therapist hasn't told him the same thing about sobriety.

Big struggle with fatigue and motivation

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression for a while, so it’s not new to me. I’ve been in therapy since 4th grade so a lot of typical advice I already know. A little over a year ago, I lost a family member and it has put a lot of stress on my family and of course dealing with grief. I’m at a point where I’m well enough to take care of myself, but just staying awake is a struggle! After the person first died, for a couple weeks I had an intense fatigue where I felt like I would pass out after being awake for an hour. I have limited transportation so I’m at home most of the time, I think that may make it worse. I also have ADHD, so caffeine doesn’t work very well. I nap every day, which has gotten better (used to be 4 hour naps, now usually 2 hours.) I know I’m gonna have to exercise.. but any other advice? 🙏

How to forgive yourself??????????????

Specifically after having almost 5 years of sobriety, then having a few drinks. Then losing a wife and kids. I never would have touched alcohol again. It was suggested that I drink. I still don't understand why this happened. Anyways, I can't forgive myself after 80 days of blame, shame and guilt. Also, now I can't work because of never ending depression and sucidal ideations.

The process of learning to accept

* Just need to let this out of me I don't like it I fucking hate it, it hurts so much it's like your heart getting squeeze so hard then someone throwing it to the wall. I never know I'd be hurt this much I guess that's what I get from loving someone and giving my all. I know I'll be fine(I hope so) I kinda know that someday I'll move on from this, but I know to myself I'll never forget, those fun night long talks iloveyou's good mornings, good nights funny sweet questions... I'm still grateful that I met him, but shit fucking shit it hurts giving my all to someone that didn't even shed a tear for me while I was crying my ass off.. if you ever read this just know I won't forget you you'll always be in my mind (you'll probably just say I know) I'll always wonder where you are what you're doing..

am hiding my suicidal thoughts from everyone so they won't stop me

yesterday i had a great time with an online friend of mine, we talked for hours, i still have a good relationship with my ex, her family loves me and says hi from time to time, my friends call me and talk about having a trip this summer together. but they all don't know am planning to end it all, already deleted my social media. the only thing that is stopping me now is my little sister's wedding coming up and i don't want to ruin it

Looking for an online depression support friend.

Im 26F, experienced a very traumatic childhood of many types of abuse and neglect. I started having severe OCD symptoms as well as anxiety and depression beginning in elementary school, very young. Into my teenage years and early adulthood I sadly fell into the abuse cycle and had a couple major relationships that were very toxic and abusive. Ive struggled with alcohol and substance use since 12. Ive been clean for about 4 years now. I just started zoloft a couple months ago. Eh. First time taking any mediation like that. Anyway....just looking for someone to listen. And I would love to listen to you too. I want a mutual human connection. I would love to be a good friend to someone Ive been going to some very dark places mentally lately and there is no one in my life that has the capacity to understand.

Depressed since as long as I can remember. Its only getting worse.

Suicidal ideation began for me since I was less than 10 years old. In the next 5 years, I tried to act on those tendencies 4 times, each time ending in failure. I stopped with the attempts because not only were they only leading to immensely painful situations that didn't give any result, my parents started to blame themselves even though they have been the only good thing about my life and I couldn't see them cry because of this. Psychiatric treatments never worked and I stopped with the meds after few months. Its been another 15 years since then, I am almost 30 now. I now find myself wishing that I should have carried on that momentum and should have finished what I started. I've turned out to be a massive disappointment, the kind who is the most popular cautionary tale for the younger ones in the extended family circles. Stuck in a career which can only be described as a slow and painful death. Each time I tried to switch or transition, it only became worse. I have no friends left as they just got fed up with my negativity. My parents still offer kind words of encouragement, but I can clearly see the pangs of pain on their ageing faces, trying to hide the shame they feel over how lame their son turned out to be even after they ensured he was never lacking in resources. I have no talent or ability whatsoever, and the constant race for survival has left me mentally and physically broken and exhausted. Everytime I go to sleep (on the rare occasions I am actually able to), I always wish that somehow I'll fall dead in the night. I am too afraid to make an attempt on my life again as it seems there is too high a probability that I'll just end up crippled and a burden on my ageing parents. Don't know why I'm whining here. Maybe the mind is trying to grasp the air for some kind of miracle.

Love craving

I don’t know where else to post because there isn’t a OLD sub, but I have a problem with being obsessed with finding like a romantic partner, it’s like I’ve been craving love since I was little, and im talking about romance and not “sexual craving”, it’s getting really bad and it’s like the only priority in my life and the only thing that gives me happiness is just the idea of having someone that loves me or kissing me or whatever right, but I don’t know if I wanna say it’s obsessive love disorder, since Im not convinced that someone likes me when they don’t, it’s like I know they don’t and I just imagine being in a relationship with them or hugging, anyways the point is I don’t know what is it? Is it dependent personality disorder ? Is it a sort of my borderline ?, it’s getting really bad like I need someone rn with me and tell me how they love me and cuddle me or hug me or kiss me or whatever yk ? Like I used to imagine it and that would be enough but now I need physical love

Need an advice

Hey, I am a 22 years old and I feel like a failure. I just finished a degree in political science and now I returned home with my parents. I should point out i didnt actually finish I sisnt send my final thesis. Its not hard but I still didnt finish it on time. I feel bad about my self since I had many oportunities in general and I come from a higher middle class family so I didn't have lack of resources. In comparison with my brother who started working from his 3rd year and went on and changeg profesions amd now works as full time backend engineer, I am a looser and came back home with no idea of what to do. I also feel demotivated, and eith the hope of just randomly dying (I wouldnt hurt myself, but that would get me out of the rabbit whole I am). I also feel like I dont have any discernable achievements or skills. People say I am smart but idk about that. I also disnt have a relationship in some time. I think ppl dont like me, even worse I am in between liking and hating, I am unnoticed or at best an annoyance. Can someone make me feel better.

Gaslighting Yourself

How can you break out of the "things could be worse", "at least you have a home, job, etc etc" loop? Objectively speaking. I am not happy. I have always had suicidal ideation but have never attempted anything because it never seemed logical. I *am* lucky in some instances of my life, but I acknowledge I am literally only surviving I am not actually living and experiencing life. So, the suicidal ideation is becoming more logical. Monotonous living, a cog in the machine is tiring. I don't want to continue to live to just survive and not thrive. How does that make any sense? How can I stop gaslighting myself and acknowledge the problem head on so that I can deal with it? I'm in an endless loop within myself and it's exhausting. I don't think suicide is a viable option, in a general sense overall. However, it does make sense when you really think about it. When you remove emotions, etc etc.

i almost killed myself tonight

I should preface this by introducing myself probably, I’m sorry, I just needed a place to lay down my thoughts. I’m 21F and I’ve struggled with mental health issues for as long as i can remember, and it feels like no one in my life even cares. I’ve suffered from anxiety attacks since I was 10, been depressed since I was 14, I had two suicide attempts previous to this one, but none of them ever made it this far. I was in the bathroom and i felt so bad i just self harmed for the first time in a few months, i grabbed some scissors and just went at it, and before I knew it I had my scissors at my throat, right at the yugular. I didnt do anything I just have been feeling drained, i havent slept well in days, there are some days i sleep for over 20 hours but most of them even the thought of closing my eyes and going to sleep terrifies me, i have no idea why, i have slept around 5 hours collectively in the last 2 days, and im on vacation so sleep shouldnt be a problem. The worst part of it all is i dont have any typical “problems” that might lead to depression, i feel like a fraud most of the time, like im just being dramatic. I have a boyfriend who loves me and expresses it daily, i have family who cares and a few very good friends, yet i still find ways to be extremely sad, not shower for days, not care for myself. I suppose theres other problems and factors whcih come in play in my depression, I dotn know. At this point i dont know why im writing this the whole paragraph seems so stupid, i have tears in my eyes that i cant control i just want out, yet i couldnt bare to leave my loved ones behind. Im sorry, i really shouldn’t have written this, ive been seeing things and having nightmares and i dont know whats happening, i guess i just wanted to vent. I just might delete this

I need medication to make me feel numb. Currently on prozac

It's not working like i need it to. Its been about a year. I can't keep living like this. I don't want to feel. Any meds for this?

Threw out my bed

I have recently started feeling depressed again. I was spending almost all of my days in bed. It got to the point where I found it to difficult to even cook for myself so i was just ordering food everyday and eating it in bed. Than I got this thought that I should move my bed into the basement and just sleep on the floor and it actually helped. I sleep better and I spend less of my day laying down which really made a huge difference on how my body is feeling which in turn makes it easier to deal with unproductive and harmful thoughts.

How long am I supposed to wait until it gets "better"?

I have been waiting for 25 years, for 25 years i have been alive, and just when it think maybe, just maybe there is some light at the end of this tunnel, i realize the light was only more darkness, and more pain. There almost seems to be a fetish, a desire to see suicidal people suffer more and more and more...why? Just because! No solutions given, no changed world, not even a dirge they offer. No, nothing, not one bit. How long am I supposed to wait then? Another 10 years? 20 years? 50 years? How much longer until eventually the pain is just too much? Or is it, perhaps, that people cannot justify the pain, so instead they ignore it, or cannot see it. Like a man being burned alive, screaming in raw visceral torment, beyond comprehension, only for people to say "it gets better! "The flames are only temporary" "third degree burns are normal" This gun that I want to buy...can end it all. It is a guarantee. Words are powerless, no strength, when it comes to reality. It is easier to die than for the system to admit how messed up it all is, drowning in my own blood and excrement, as if I am worse than trash. Yet, you lie to me and say I have value, while stepping over me? Mocking me? Disgusted at me? Madness...and it is said I am insane. I have had enough.

…

I think I’m done living. It’s been years of endless therapy, hospital visits and medications. I’m starting to think that my mental illnesses are treatment resistant and that I’ll be like this forever. I don’t want that. I refuse to live like this any longer. I will be killing myself. Can I have one last chat with someone before I do? I need to get stuff off my chest. I need to feel relieved.

I feel like that I am not good enough at times.

I was depressed during my time in university but after that it got alot better. This was probably because of COVID and other factors. Though this year its been pretty difficult for me. I am currently working full time and doing school on the side aswell. But Ive been pretty depressed, like I feel like that I am not good enough for anyone that I don't deserve to be loved , that Im not as good as everyone else. I believe that everyone is a higher level than I am. Ive never had a partner in my life and I don't think Ill ever will. For context im 26 and im still a virgin which sucks cause everyone else has done it. I wish I could feel like that I am loved and have someone to appreciate me.

Getting over the past

Hello everyone, around a month ago I started therapy, and it is really helping me. I still feel like my past self is haunting me. I didn’t really go through any traumatic event or anything, my depression came out of the blue (it literally escalated over night). When I remember my past self I feel like crying, it makes me feel so sad, it’s like I can’t get over it. It’s like my brain wants me to stay depressed I’m so sick of it I just want to go back to how happy and relaxed I used to be. I know that the past is in the past, and that I have no reason to feel this way, but I can’t help it. (I do plan on discussing this in my next therapy session but I just felt like venting)

I do all the “right” things and I’m still depressed

I get enough sleep. I drink a ton of water. I workout. I meditate. I do hobbies I enjoy like reading and gaming. I’m in therapy. I’m an introvert but I make sure to socialize at least a couple times a week. I keep my space tidy (most the time!) I journal. I eat healthy and take a multivitamin and fish oil. I even listen to affirmations, etc etc. I do all the things they say to do in all the articles but nothing helps. I was on an antidepressant for just over a year but that didn’t help either. I’m at my wits end. I feel like every day I wake up to do all the self care things and work and for what? To keep feeling shitty every single day? I don’t know what to do. My therapist just gives me the same solutions - get out of the house more! Make more friends! Okay but what if I just keep unintentionally attracting people that want to take and take but don’t reciprocate? That just depletes me more. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this. I’m just so tired, so done. I won’t kill myself, but I do think about it because life just sucks. I’m 30 and can’t imagine living like this for possibly 60 more years. I don’t know how to escape this.

i used to be insanely happy everyday and now everyday is a meaningless void i can’t escape

i’ve never been more happy and fulfilled than when i was with her. i used to wake up everyday and have so much passion, ambition, inspiration, happiness, and gratefulness, for life. whenever we would hangout it felt like i entered another dimension where the world felt perfect in every way and i had a deep love and happiness inside me. it almost felt like i was in a dream. like magic. the moments almost didn’t feel real. i felt so incredibly alive with her. i’ve never felt that way since. i’ve done a lot of things since breaking up like travel to lots of beautiful places, but i’d rather go for a walk around any random street with her than be on top of a beautiful mountain looking at an endless sea of clouds. i’ve never seen a view as beautiful as her. i’ve also met and incredible amount of people as well. i still have never met someone i’d rather spend time with. dating is incredibly depressing as i can never find someone that makes me feel like she did. it feels like those 2 years of my life with her might have been the best years of my life and it’s just all downhill from there. everyday feels so pointless, meaningless, and depressing. i have to make an incredible amount of effort to try to control my mind just to be content with life, when before i would literally shed actual tears regularly about how happy i was and how much i loved her, and my life because of her. if i could decide, genuinely, i’d rather re-live those 2 years with her again than live out the rest of my life like this for the next 60 years.

Need Help, Intruisive thought and Depressed alot SOS

I didnt got selection in my job exam and now im hopeless and depressed alot 😭, Please help me, I feel desperate for help and any sub to change my mental state

It never gets better

I first thought about suicide when I was 11 years old. My mother and I had a fight and I locked myself in a room. I knew that whether I open the door or not, something bad will happen. By that point, I was already disappointed in life and very depressed, so I decided to kill myself. I approached the medicine cabinet and chose the pills to take to kill myself. And then I chickened out. Not a day goes by that I don't regret choosing life. It's been 14 years, and it never got better. I don't even know if I'm actually depressed, I'm just so tired of fighting an endless war where I can't win a single battle. Life isn't worth living, simple as that.

Colleague brought back bad feelings.

At work today a senior colleague came to assist the students with their grammar. I was working with one student and when she came over I was nervous sure, but I didn't think she'd be so nasty. She had this calm patronising tone when checking the answers we'd collectively made. She kept correcting every tiny detail in it which was humiliating. Like way to crush my already brittle self esteem by correcting the work in front of my student and my other colleague. She then kept coming up to me and saying I should join her training sessions. I was tempted to tell her to fuck off. English isn't my first language and I was randomly put with that student. I was in an uncomfortable situation and it was made worse by her 'correcting' my work. The answers were right. I'm not going to completely correct the answers for the student until its time to mark the work. Then we go through it together. I think generally speaking she's just one of many older members of staff at the school who speak to younger staff like small children. It's patronising and it's incredibly rude. I'm just as able as you are so don't fucking speak down to me. It's brought back the low feelings of depression and I don't ever want to work anywhere near that woman again.

Tired.

I'm just so fucking tired. Tired of work. Tired of socialising. Tired of thinking. Worrying about my social standing, my finances, my health, not having time to work on things I'm passionate about. Everything just takes so much energy out of me. When I actually have free time for myself all I want to do is lay in bed. I do have good things going on in my life but there's been so much negative shit that has happened throughout that it feels overshadowed and my pessimistic mindset makes it hard for me to appreciate the good because all I can ever think is "how long will it take for this to be ripped away from me?" I miss my most unhealthy periods where I was high or drunk for most of the time. Just because it was easier and more comfortable to hide from the world and drown my sorrows. Now I actually am contributing to society and am around people it feels so strange to me. I really hope it gets better.

How can I numb my feelings please help me out

I'm a too much sensitive caring person and I suffer a lot in public that's why I isolate myself, i want to not show my emotions my weakness my vulnerability I just want control and I'm too weak for that I want to numb my feelings and my anger how to do that. I'm suffering a lot of depression and I can't keep doing this.

Pain and suffering

Hi everyone, Recently I feel like my life has been a series of painful events. I am currently in recovery from alcohol and cocaine, and am also going through a divorce. I just signed the papers yesterday. I have a dwi I am dealing with and am in a treatment program that won’t let me go back to work yet. I paid almost 50,000 dollars to fix up the house my wife now lives in with her new boyfriend, and I am begging god for a break. I keep trying to do the next right thing. I remember being homeless when she moved him in, and sleeping in my car. I was begging to be arrested or dead. Life just seems so painful, I want happiness. I never knew people could be so cold and awful.

Un amor triste y doloroso

Bueno, en junio del 2022 conoci a una chica de segundo grado, cabe acalarar que yo era un chico de un grado mayor pero ella me ganaba en cuanto a edad bueno a ella le pondremos Alicia, Mi amigo que los llamaremos Agustin le paso mi numero a esa chica y empezamos a hablar por mensajes de texto, teniamos charlas de 2 a 3 horas la mayoria era para conocernos y chismes, saliamos a lugares a pasear y hablar hasta una ves ella planeo una broma con sus amigas en la cual era tirarnos espuma afuera con sus amigas a mi y al resto de mis amigos todo fue divertido un dia hasta la ayude a molestar a un viejo que la molesto fue hermoso, Un dia con Agustin Alicia y un amigo mas Fuimos a comer (salio mal) Agustin se molesto porque le hicieron una broma y Alicia le dijo que madurara y no sea asi, al final Agustin se fue molesto y le dije a Alicia que se molesto y se fue al final eso fue la ultima salida que tuve con ella Trate de invitarla a salir pero ponia excusas q decia no tengo tiempo o estaba ocupada. Un dia de Septiembre me Robaron mi Celular y me puse triste senti que fue algo malo pero pasando unos dias mi amigo al que pondremos Felipe me dijo que Alicia estaba con otro chico, solo con esa palabra me destroso una hora antes de educacion Fisica fui a mi casa y llore me desahogue senti que era la peor racha que tuve, cuando volvi Para Educacion Fisica la encontre peleando con su novio y cuando me mando mensajes ella estaba arrepentida de estar con el (aclaro que no tuve el valor antes de decirle que me gustaba nada tenia miedo de perder su amistad) Poco tiempo tuve otro celu y ella termino con ese chico al final en Abril tuve una relacion con otra chica y ella se cambio de Colegio hoy en dia Hablamos poco ya no es como antes que hablabamos todos los dias. Al final me quede denuevo solo porque la relacion con la otra chica (la de abril) no tuvo exito aveces me acuerdo de eso y me doy cuenta que no habia llorado haci por nadie (si tuve una relacion antes pero no me senti tan mal)(y la ultima como que al final no llore y no me senti tan mal) pero Alicia cuando tuvo esa relacion senti que mas me dolio aue ella tuviera a alguien que lo que paso con mi celular al final tuve que admitir y estar feliz por ella si realmente la queria y queria un bien para ella, bueno ahora prefiero andar solo y seguir el Consejo de mi padre "todo llega a su tiempo no hay que hacelerar ni apurar nada" Pero bueno eso queria desahogarme y nose que diran escucho sus opiniones (si me dicen debiste declararte antes bueno no lo hice por el miedo y el terror de perder su amistad cosa que paso eso creo). Bueno adios Gente. ;).

Why do I feel sad after interacting with family members?

It wasn't always easy when I was a child. My family was very dysfunctional back then and interactions often left me feeling empty and distressed. I used to hate my parents and myself for it. Nowadays we get along pretty well. We've worked through a lot of conflicts and challenges and we're having really good heart-to-heart talks now and then. We're able to laugh at stuff from the past. I'm 21 now, I love my family and appreciate the lessons we've learned. Anyways, I noticed that anytime I talk to my mom, dad or little brother, no matter how good the interaction was or even if it was brief and nothing of substance really, I feel very sad and like falling into depression again. I'm pulling myself out of it everytime, but I wonder why it happens. It makes me scared of interacting with them. I'm having anxiety and depression, but it's getting better. So why do I feel so depressed everytime after interacting with them? Should I talk to a psychologist about it or is this normal after such a history? Can anyone relate?

My life and how it all came crashing down.

So, today marks day 1 of my journey to quit drinking. Like many others, Covid really took a toll on me both physically and mentally. I work in a fast-paced industry with a high burnout rate, and about 2 years ago, I started struggling mentally. That's when I turned to alcohol as a way to cope. It started with a few beers in the evening to take the edge off, but gradually, my tolerance increased and so did my drinking. At that time, I was working from home, spending time with my partner and son. Over those 2 years, I became a person I didn't want to be, and now I'm finally realizing it. About 4 months ago, my partner and I decided to separate after 10 years, which added to my already mounting problems and this is when the cracks really started to show. With her and my son about it would sort of keep my drinking in check but with her gone that safety net was no longer in place. With everything going on in my life and having a bit of an existential crisis my mental health deteriorated, and my drinking escalated. I reached a point where I was comfortably drinking 6 or 7 pints every night, but now I know that the beer just isn't cutting it anymore. I need something stronger. Well on Sunday, it all came crashing down. I had a complete nervous breakdown and lost control of my emotions completely. I've never felt so low in my life, and I can't put into words how awful it was. In the first 48 hours, I was constantly battling dark thoughts of suicide. It reached a point where I found myself meticulously researching and planning it, down to the smallest details. I contemplated whether or not to leave a note behind. It was an incredibly difficult and scary time for me. Side note, 10 grams of paracetamol ingested in less than an hour can cause lethal toxicity in case anyone was wondering. I ended up reaching out to a friend that evening, and if they hadn't been there for me, I honestly don't think I would be here writing this. They stepped in and told me that I need to quit drinking if I want things to get better. It's common for people with these kinds of issues to isolate themselves, so when we finally reach out for help, there's often no one there. I consider myself lucky to have a friend who was able to support me during my worst moments. I spoke to a doctor on Monday, who put me through to a mental health professional who confirmed I was suffering from severe depression and high alcohol dependency. I have since been referred to a counsellor and provided some resources to help me with my drinking. It's a start. I know that I can't conquer one problem without addressing the other. In a twisted way, this breakdown came at the perfect time, before my drinking got even worse. So, where do I go from here? It has been 4 days since then, and I've been signed off from work because I'm mentally unable to handle anything. I can't even manage simple tasks because my mind is all over the place. I had a session with a counsellor yesterday who is working with me to sort this mess out. On Monday, I have a scheduled call with the doctor to discuss a long-term plan involving medication and explore other options for my well-being. I suppose we'll have to see how things progress from there. I've come to accept that alcohol played a major role in the breakdown of my relationship, and I blame myself for becoming someone I didn't want to be. Honestly, I have no idea what the future holds or how I'm going to climb out of this hole, but I guess only time will tell. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, or if this rant will be helpful to anyone going through something similar. I think we all understand the strong connection between alcohol and depression, so maybe sharing my experience and writing it down is better than keeping it all to myself. Again, my thoughts are scattered right now, so I apologize if this message is a bit of a mess to read.

Am I entitled?

Totally random but I just thought about this one time back in 2022 at the peak of my depressive episode, one of my “friends” tried by all means to reach me. And when they did, it was not to check up on me, it was to ask me for their usb cable I was using. To think that our entire friendship, my entire life just amounted to a $3 usb cable. I had isolated myself from everyone for months, could’ve leave my room for months, couldn’t do basic hygiene, couldn’t look myself in the mirror … and that’s the reason you finally want to reach out to me? Maybe I’m just being entitled af idk.

Tips for setting a routine?

I've recently fixed my sleep schedule but my circadian rhythm has always been finicky so we'll see how long it holds. Trying to shower everyday (difficult because I have pots) and trying to brush teeth at least once a day. My eating schedule still isn't regular. I mostly just eat a lot once I'm starving. Even though I'm disabled I don't know what to do to fill my time besides applying to jobs. I've been learning 3d modeling on blender to try and get a job with that, but I can't do that every hour of the day.

I'm in love with my best friend but she's seeing someone

She told me today that she's been seeing someone because he's nice and funny. She knows how I feel about her and apparently I'm not nice and funny enough. I just know deep down its that he's physically more attractive. It shattered my world too much where I can't even focus right now and I been feeling so bad for awhile now I just felt like giving up.

I’m 22 and have no idea what I want to do with my life

Tbh I didn’t think I would make it past 20 lol So I hadn’t really thought what I wanted to do after I graduated high school. I still have no ambitions or anything I like really. Nothing brings me joy or interests me. I just applied to college after not doing anything for so long but I have no idea what career I want, I think it’s because I don’t believe I’ll live long enough to graduate lol I’m like 90% sure I’ll kill myself half way through lol

Mental Health on the Decline

Hi, I just need a place to off-load I never thought i would be in this state of mind. I've usually been a pretty positive person, trying to find the upsides to all the shitty situations I have been in. But i am tired. I really am. My home situation is utter shit. For my entire life, I've been around abuse (verbal and physical). My parents are terrible together but for some reason stuck together and now have a bunch of troubled adult children which they think they played no role in. My brothers are literally all drug addicts now and have terrible anger management issues. By the grace of God or some force, i managed to do well enough in school to get a decent job. I've been trying to save enough money from my job so i can move out but even this is becoming too much. I work in a high-pressure, thankless job which leaves me in tears and frustration almost every day. I lie in bed at mornings wondering if any money is worth the way this job makes me feel. Then i go home at afternoons to arguments and utter chaos. I cant seem to find peace. I have no one to really talk to. My friends don't really know about my background and i dont want to talk about these bad things with them. I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts really. Like i just dont want to be here and do any of this anymore. Life if not looking up. It's getting harder and harder

Friends fighting = you damaged a relationship and it can't go back to the way it is

And it will never be the same once you fight because you know you have history and honestly how can anyone move on from that. Sometimes friends are a lousy excuse fuck this shit fuck society.

I tried to harm myself for the 1st time TW : SH

The past few weeks I took way more medicine than usual to make me sleepy and pass my days, but 3 or 4 days ago, I was doing some 3D Pokémon cards and had to change the blade of the cutter and I tried for the first time to cut my wrist, I have tattoos all around the places that people usually cut because I wouldn't want to cut them, But there was a little space and a visible vein, I cutted just a little, it didn't even hurt, and my boyfriend didn't notice the tiny wound, But now I'm scared I'll do it again because it spin in my head, how can I stop that ? Does the rubber clapping the wrist helped someone ? Thank you for the safe space

It sucks cause I'm in love with her but she belongs to someone else.

I can't cope I can't get over I feel so damn deeply for her. She likes me back yet we can't do anything cause she doesn't mess up her current relationship I know it's wrong to feel the way I do about her. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do I really can't fuck off either cause that'll hurt me wayyy more and leave her s/o wondering why I just fucked off out of their lives. I don't want to hurt her s/o I don't want to feel like this anymore I don't know what to do. I feel like ending it like commit no breathe on earth. But at the same time I know she cares about me I know she feels my hurt when I'm hurting I just don't know what to do anymore. Yeah I wanna tell her s/o but I know that is not the right thing at all. I know me wanting to be with her isn't the right thing either I just fell for her and I don't feel like I can recover or get over her. I hang around the both of them daily and even sleep with them in the same room (not bed) and I don't know what I'm supposed to do how am I not supposed to express my emotion and tell her when I feel down tell her that I am I feeling that way. I miss her day in and out even though I practically live there. Please someone help me I have no idea how to heal/recover from this my heart fuckin hurts it feels like it's being torn.

i feel lost

i’m at a point where i can’t sleep, can barely eat, my medications barely work, my doctors are giving me the run around, i can’t work because of my illnesses… i just want to break down and give up because it all feels so pointless and relentless. i just want a normal life again. i’m just ranting there’s no real point to this post. i’m just sad and at a loss. update: i’ve been fighting myself for months trying not to think this is my depression coming back but the more i resist it the more painful it is. i’m starting APH (adult partial hospitalization) therapy so i’m hoping that can help but. it’s still a month until i start so i’m just sitting here everyday fighting for my life lmfao.

I hate this

I hate hoe i am finally ready to talk about my emotions and then nobody listens..nobody cares or tell me im making it up.. doing it for attention.. i hate myself so much i cant keep living in my head..

Today I feel I'm even closer to being mentally paralyzed.

There's a lump in my throat. And I want to puke all my demons out. I was doing so well. Now I just want to give up again. There's nothing to look forward to. I've lost and been broken far too many times. This sh.it isn't fixable anymore. I'm beyond damaged repair.

i’m afraid.

hi everyone, i don’t know what to do. so my home country is not exactly safe, i couldn’t leave my house or anything besides school because i was so fucking terrified of getting robbed or worse… especially as a girl i’ve seen horrifying shit that i can’t talk about even my dad was so emotionally abusive sometimes even physically. before he passed, my grandfather was the closest one to me and left me about 85,000 USD in cash to my father for me to have a better life and study abroad. as in our country we cannot have a bank account until we’re 18, he deposited the cash in his account to earn interest and such. Flash forward to a few months ago i finally got admission into a decent university abroad and thankfully moved into a single dorm i was privileged to get on a scholarship. My father sent me about half of the money (around 42,000 as he kept interest earnings to himself) and told me he would send me the other half a year later due to supposed bank reasons. Meanwhile i’ve been working a part time job 40 hours a fortnight (as per my limit with a student visa) thinking i could earn as much to cover living costs, textbooks and savings to maybe make things easier for him. About a month ago he called me and told me straight up that he wants nothing to do with me, and he’s keeping the other around 40k for himself and cut me off EVERYTHING. i cant contact him. i cant do anything. i’m so fucking scared. ive calculated it and my part time job won’t cover it within my program. i haven’t even been eating this month because i want to save every penny. if i don’t get to finish my degree because of this i’ll get deported and i have NOWHERE to live back home, i don’t have any relatives i can contact i don’t have anyone. i don’t know what to do. i’ve never wanted to ask anyone for money but i would really appreciate it if someone could give me advice? i just don’t know what to do i’ll be honest i’ve been feeling so incredibly depressed it’s affecting my studies i’m trying to do everything and i feel so alone. i cant get a loan for overseas studies either my home country doesn’t provide those options, i don’t have a social media presence to start up a donation fund or anything i just made a reddit account for this and i’m just so lost i wanted to tell someone because truthfully i haven’t made any friends here. all i want is to graduate and have a stable job my whole life i even didn’t get to choose the degree because my dad said he wouldn’t send me funds if i didn’t choose the one he wanted and he’s just left me. i’m sorry for randomly posting this i just would really appreciate it if someone could tell me what to do it would mean so much to me. i’ve been so unbelievably depressed and sometimes i think ending it all is the best choice. where can i go from here ??? i’ve spent my whole life enduring my father’s abuses, never talking back never standing up for myself because it’ll all be over soon once i move out and now i have and it’s just worse than i could’ve possible imagined.

I think I just cooked my head. This is a new one for me.

Some back story: I was on sertraline for depression for 5 years and came off it last year because I didn't think I needed it any more. Over the 10 months since I came off symptoms have been slowly creeping back in until I realised last week I need the sertraline again. Today I have been doing some tidying around the house and got to a room my gf and I have been putting off for ages. I started and the going was good. Then I got to a point where I didn't know what to do, I got overwhelmed by it and just stood there for like 10 minutes staring into this room, suddenly my tidying mojo has gone and my whole body has slowed down, movements, thoughts, everything. It's like I just went into low-power mode. This has never happened before, and honestly, not a fan.

Please make it stop

Depression and anxiety are a buzzkill at best. Torturous when it peaks. Objectively I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But that doesn’t stop my mind from taking things out of context, putting a disastrous spin on it and making me fear the worst outcome imaginable. Like a penny I accidentally dropped on the sidewalk will lead to some kind of final destination bs and kill someone. This is just a loose example. But everyday I always feel my chest tightening up as I brace for the worst. I’ll slip up and die. I’ll get blamed for something and get fired. I’ll get sued over making a tiny mistake. I’ll be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Etc etc. There was one time I witnessed a thief stealing a surveillance camera at work. The thief saw me, smiled and winked at me. Then ran. I reported it. I spent the next two years of my life wondering if he’s coming for me or my family. It’s not like he was part of some syndicate. This was just a small time crook stealing cameras and selling it off most likely. Why is my mind like this? I wish it would stop. Sometimes I wish I would just die. At least it’d be over right? Top it off. It feeds into my depression. I hate myself.

How do I deal with feeling of vunerability and shyness about my genitals?

Im very shy, nervous and insecure about people seeing me with my foreskin retracted. Nurses or Doctors, sexual partners etc. No human, other than two Doctors have ever seen me with my foreskin fully retracted. Not even my ex fiancee, no sexual partner before or scince either. No one apart from those two Doctors once. The thought of someone seeing me with it pulled back makes me feel super uncomforatble and crazy vunerable. I dont like it at all. Its one of the main reasons that I have stayed single as long as I have done, I grew tired of having to explain to partners why I didnt want them to pull my foreskin back during sexy times, and why I wanted to be left alone when showering. I do it for hygine in the shower and whatnot, im able to do that. And if needed, I can pull back for medical purposes without feeling uncomfortable, but thats it. I cannot do it, and have never done it, in front of another person/persons otherwise. What are some ways to overcome this shyness? How do i deal with these insecurities and not let them affect me as much as they do? How do i "get over it" so to speak? I dont know why I feel this way about something so normal and natural. But i do, and I want to change that. I dont want to have these feelings of vunerability and insecurity about it. Im happy to answer any and all questions you may have about this.

I feel stuck and trapped [ADVICE PLS]

My dad threw out my cat. We had a major fight, I was devastated and heartbroken and from then on I could only think about one thing — moving out. It was April so I had uni classes till may, so when the may hit and my semester was over I took tickets and literally went to my friend from another city (biggest city of my country). I was there for total of 45 days. And I had to come back bc I couldn’t find a job (I fucked that up). So now I’m here back, feeling stuck and trapped from the first seconds when I arrived. It’s been half a month since then, and all I’ve been doing is looking for jobs and etc. living on ur own and finding a job and etc is not easy. It just makes sense to stay home and be w my parents, but there’s so much trauma and I feel dreadful in this city. I loved my friend’s city so much more, and PS I was born there so maybe that’s why I was feeling more at home there. Also I have unfinished bachelors degree here, I finished my 2 year out of 4 - so if I move out I would have to take an academic break and it just causes stress for me too but I guess I’m not so heartbroken over that I didn’t like that place anyway So what I’m asking is — I’m trying to understand what to do next, should I listen to myself and go after what my heart wants or stay w parents and be rational (???)

I loved her

I loved her man I fucking loved her. I loved her more than I have anyone else ever. Why me. Why the fuck me. She was the greatest most beautiful person I’ve ever met ever and I really had to fuck it up. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life. I just wish I didn’t fucking exist. Maybe then I would stop fucking hurting. I don’t want to end it I just don’t want to exist. I loved her so fucking much. More than I love myself. I’m sorry to her. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic.

I haven’t had a day without depression since 1995.

I’m 32 on 8/1, and I just realized this. The hurt and depression I feel were put on me by my genetics and other people, like my parents and partners. I know that most, if not all of you- can relate. I’m tired of masking and pretending to be this bubbly, happy person when inside I just want to be gone. I’m trying to drop the mask but I’ve been doing it for so long it’s second nature. “If you understood the intensity of emotional pain I go through every single day, you would understand why I want to be gone. “ I tell my friends that- not to traumatize them but so they know that one day inevitably, I might call it quits. Being my friend means you have to accept it could happen, even if thinking about it makes you uncomfortable. But as for now the strongest thing I do every day is to wake up and choose to live. A lot of people don’t understand that it’s the hardest choice you can ever make because it ain’t easy choosing to suffer every day.

I don’t know if it’s depression, loneliness, or limbo. I feel like I just exist.

I’m new to sharing, but my mom passed away after years of basically being a vegetable, and it’s been a year since she’s passed. I feel like no one if my life understands or feels comfortable enough to talk to me about what happened. Since my moms situation, I’ve dealt with the death of my grandmother, my aunt, got kicked out of my house, my entire extended family has drama with each other, and my best friend at the time didn’t show up to my moms funeral without letting me know. I have a support system, friends and a s/o, but the weight of the problems feels like it pulls me further away from taking or even wanting their help. I honestly just want to feel like there’s something to look forward to again.

Nothings working anymore

Whenever I start to have urges to kill myself or cut I always masturbate. As of today it’s not affective anymore, and I’m devastated. It used to bring me joy, it may have been fleeting, but it was still joy. It just makes the urges worse now, almost every time I’ve masturbated in the past week I’ve ended up crying after. Sexual pleasure has been the only thing keeping me alive, just for that sensation, but now there’s nothing for me. It feels useless to still be here