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russian_jokes_with_vectors

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Утром жена принесла мне в постель чашечку кофе и подмигнула. Ещё никогда я так не боялся пить кофе.

https://t.me/smeh_76/85?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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POSITIVE

rus

NOT SPAM

Сатурналии. В этот день в Риме рабов наряжали в господские одежды и сажали с собой за стол. А хозяева наблюдали за расслабившимися рабами, кто и как себя ведёт, и делали выводы. — В современном мире для этих целей были придуманы корпоративы.

https://t.me/smeh_76/86?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"Риме","lemma":"рим","label":"LOC","start_pos":26,"end_pos":30}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Женское "Я буду готова через 15 минут!" равносильно мужскому

https://t.me/smeh_76/87?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"15","lemma":"15","label":"NUM","start_pos":29,"end_pos":31}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

— Что это у тебя с лицом? — Вчера ходил в тренажерный зал, хотел себя в форму привести… — При чём тут тренажерный зал, я тебя про лицо спрашиваю. Что с лицом??? — Так в этом зале вчера один качок гирю уронил… — Тебе на лицо? — Нет! Себе на ногу! — А лицо? — А моё лицо решило над этим посмеяться…

https://t.me/smeh_76/77?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

На экзамене. Препод: - Девушка, милая! Ну неужели так трудно разложить квадратный трехчлен? Девушка густо покраснев:

https://t.me/smeh_76/79?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Не понимаю, почему в банке так расстраиваются, когда я не могу вернуть кредит. Они ведь знали, что у меня нет денег, когда я брал этот кредит...

https://t.me/smeh_76/80?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEGATIVE

rus

NOT SPAM

— Мы работаем не за деньги, а за идею! — И какая идея? — Заработать больше денег!

https://t.me/smeh_76/81?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Сидят в переходе двое. У одного на табличке написано "подайте бедному русскому Ивану", у другого "подайте бедному еврею Абраму". Прохожие подают милостыню Ивану, а Абраму показывают фигу. Один прохожий, видя такую несправедливость, говорит Абраму: — А вы бы не писали, что вы еврей, вам бы тоже подавали. И ушел по своим делам. Абрам говорит:

https://t.me/smeh_76/69?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

В оружейный магазин вбегает разъяренный мужик, глаза из орбит, пена изо рта, и орет продавцу: — Ружье мне, быстро! — Ружье? Хорошо. А для чего вам? — Чтобы застрелить тещу, достала она меня уже! — Простите, но если вы хотите застрелить вашу тещу, то я бы посоветовал вам повременить. — Это еще зачем? — Вам нужно успокоиться, потому что в таком состоянии вы наверняка промахнетесь.

https://t.me/smeh_76/71?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

— Вовочка, тебе уже шесть лет — и я должен рассказать, откуда берутся дети... — Ну вот... В три года я узнал, что у нас не живёт домовой, в четыре — что не бывает Бабы-Яги, в пять — что Деда Мороза не существует... Если сейчас окажется, что взрослые не е@утся - то во что остаётся верить?!!

https://t.me/smeh_76/73?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"Вовочка","lemma":"вовочка","label":"PER","start_pos":2,"end_pos":9},{"ner":"Бабы-Яги","lemma":"бабы-яги","label":"PER","start_pos":163,"end_pos":171},{"ner":"Деда Мороза","lemma":"деда мороз","label":"PER","start_pos":186,"end_pos":197}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Сидит растроенный Гога у здания Союза художников Грузинской ССР. Его спрашивают: — Гога, почему такой грустный? — Вай, сэмъ лэт картину писал, "Жызнъ" называется — Худсовет забраковал! — Гога, почему же? Ты не абстракционист какой-нибудь, ни кичмен, прости Господи. Всегда же работал в стиле соц. реализма. Что же ты там написал? — Вай, сэмъ лэт картину писал. На нэй лежит большой обнаженный женщина, рядом рэбенок — сосет грудъ — "Жызнъ" называется. Худсовет забраковал! — Что же сказал Худсовет? — Ребенка побрить и одеть в трусы!

https://t.me/smeh_76/75?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"Союза художников","lemma":"союз художник","label":"ORG","start_pos":32,"end_pos":48},{"ner":"Грузинской ССР","lemma":"грузинский сср","label":"LOC","start_pos":49,"end_pos":63},{"ner":"Гога","lemma":"гога","label":"PER","start_pos":83,"end_pos":87},{"ner":"Жызнъ","lemma":"жызнъ","label":"ORG","start_pos":144,"end_pos":149},{"ner":"Худсовет","lemma":"худсовет","label":"PER","start_pos":164,"end_pos":172},{"ner":"Гога","lemma":"гога","label":"PER","start_pos":187,"end_pos":191},{"ner":"Господи","lemma":"господи","label":"PER","start_pos":257,"end_pos":264},{"ner":"Худсовет","lemma":"худсовет","label":"PER","start_pos":452,"end_pos":460}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Однажды во время грозы я смотрел на пенёк, и в него ударила молния. С тех пор во время грозы я смотрю на тёщу.

https://t.me/smeh_76/62?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Рецепт коктейля "Три поросенка": ящик водки и два друга.

https://t.me/smeh_76/63?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Сила воли — это не способность просидеть всю ночь, чтобы сделать к утру работу, а способность сесть за работу раньше, чтобы не сидеть над ней всю ночь.

https://t.me/smeh_76/64?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

С женского форума: — Девочки, подскажите, а то я так волнуюсь! Я на восьмом месяце, а нужно удалять зуб. Не скажется ли это на ребёночке, не родится ли уродцем, с личиком может что-то случится? Кто- нибудь удалял зуб во время беременности? А то я паникую! Из комментов: У меня знакомая удаляла зуб во время беременности, так ребёнок родился без зубов.

https://t.me/smeh_76/65?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

— Иваныч, а как переводится слово "фейерверк"? — Деньги на воздух.

https://t.me/smeh_76/66?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"Иваныч","lemma":"иваныч","label":"LOC","start_pos":2,"end_pos":8}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Если вы считаете, что ваш стакан наполовину пуст, перелейте его содержимое в стакан поменьше и перестаньте ныть.

https://t.me/smeh_76/67?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEGATIVE

rus

NOT SPAM

Подрядчик спрашивает у заказчика: — А что будет, если мы сорвем сроки сдачи? — Ну, у кинологов это называется вязкой!

https://t.me/smeh_76/68?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Сидит мужик, что-то читает, то и дело приговаривая: "Вот так вот надо делать... Офигеть! ", "Вот в чем дело, никогда бы не подумал", "А я все думаю — почему так? " Сын не выдержал и спрашивает: — Пап, ты чему там всё изумляешься? — Да вот, десять лет за рулем, решил, наконец, ПДД почитать...

https://t.me/smeh_76/56?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Как же грустно осознавать, что мы живём во время, когда фраза "мужское достоинство" ассоциируется с х[рено]м...

https://t.me/smeh_76/57?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEGATIVE

rus

NOT SPAM

Нашла эскизы татуировок, которые сохраняла ещё в универе. Впервые радуюсь тому, что у меня не было денег.

https://t.me/smeh_76/59?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Мама, работающая в военкомате, сыну на 18- летие подарила плоскостопие.

https://t.me/smeh_76/60?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"18","lemma":"18","label":"NUM","start_pos":39,"end_pos":41}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Вижу в газете объявление: "Продается говорящая собака". Прихожу по адресу, выводят к мне собаку. — Вот, можете пообщаться. Спрашиваю ее: "Как ты научилась разговаривать? " Собака отвечает: "Самоучкой. Мне в жизни всё давалось трудно. В юности я работала спасателем в Альпах и один раз угодила под снежную лавину. Потом служила в Ираке саперным псом, обезвреживала игиловские мины. Подорвалась, трое суток в реанимации. Теперь вот залечиваю посттравматический синдром". "Боже, почему Вы продаете такую невероятную собаку?! ", — как крик души у меня вырвалось. Хозяин (в бешенстве): — Да потому что она все время врет! Не была она ни в каком Ираке!

https://t.me/smeh_76/61?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"Альпах","lemma":"альпах","label":"LOC","start_pos":267,"end_pos":273},{"ner":"Ираке","lemma":"ирак","label":"LOC","start_pos":329,"end_pos":334},{"ner":"Ираке","lemma":"ирак","label":"LOC","start_pos":640,"end_pos":645}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Сложный пароль "ПО_2L_C2H5OH_40%_НА_РЫЛО" удалось взломать только русскому хакеру.

https://t.me/smeh_76/49?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Он так радовался, что у него появилась любовница, что не сдержался и рассказал жене.

https://t.me/smeh_76/51?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Пожарные оперативно потушили здание налоговой, но только на 13%.

https://t.me/smeh_76/52?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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[{"ner":"13","lemma":"13","label":"NUM","start_pos":60,"end_pos":62}]

NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Заполняя анкету, в графе "образование" она написала: "Неначатое высшее".

https://t.me/smeh_76/53?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Юридически подкованная пенсионерка за вознаграждение доведёт до истерики любую организацию письменно или по телефону!

https://t.me/smeh_76/54?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEGATIVE

rus

NOT SPAM

Кто рано встаёт, того кот разбудил.

https://t.me/smeh_76/55?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Миллионы лет назад приматы разделились на обезьян и людей. Одни смогли эволюционировать, и живут достойно в комфортной среде обитания. Другие пока продолжают ходить на работу.

https://t.me/smeh_76/42?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Многие мужчины, влюбившись в ямочку на щеке, по ошибке женятся на всей девушке.

https://t.me/smeh_76/43?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Диктор теленовостей: — А теперь новости культуры: вчера был застрелен директор филармонии...

https://t.me/smeh_76/44?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Когда я говорил "Хочу быть в форме", я не это имел в виду…

https://t.me/smeh_76/45?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Деньги портят мужчину. Именно поэтому рядом с ним должна быть женщина, чтобы снимать порчу 😂

https://t.me/smeh_76/46?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Хороший фотограф — как вампир. В зеркалах не отражается. И тени не отбрасывает!

https://t.me/smeh_76/47?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Основной закон органической химии: Если один килограмм мёда, смешать с одним килограммом говна, то получится два килограмма говна.

https://t.me/smeh_76/48?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Если уборку проводить реже, то результаты будут очевиднее.

https://t.me/smeh_76/37?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Люди, которые не изучают историю, обречены её повторять. А люди, которые изучают историю, обречены беспомощно наблюдать, как её повторяют другие.

https://t.me/smeh_76/38?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEGATIVE

rus

NOT SPAM

Судя по длине курток девушек, этой зимой в моде будет цистит.

https://t.me/smeh_76/39?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

— Очки носите? — Нет. — Но у вас характерный след на переносице — Да это от пивной кружки.

https://t.me/smeh_76/40?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM

Кто-нибудь знает, как вообще понять, что волынщик играет хорошо?

https://t.me/smeh_76/41?embed=1&mode=tme

https://t.me/

https://t.me/s/smeh_76

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NEUTRAL

rus

NOT SPAM