<commit_before>---
layout: post
title: "Forever thankful"
date: "2020-11-24"
meta: ""
image: "/img/content/10-hospital.jpg"
categories: [""]
published: true
---

<div class="tip"><p><strong>Before you begin –</strong> If you experience any kind of birth related anxiety or trauma, please tread carefully when reading this. Maybe, don't read it, the choice is yours but fair warning. I've written this as part of my own need to process but at the same time am conscious that I had no one to turn to during the events I describe below.</p> <p>I've written this in the hope that if someone else experiences similar events, you are never alone. My details are <a href="/contact">here</a></p></div>

One night in December 2019, me and my wife Vikki, were watching Fighting with My Family on Netflix. Our toddler was upstairs in bed and our eight week old baby and I sat calmly in a chair. It was one of those quiet but proud moments, feeding him the last bottle of the day before we finished the movie and headed to bed. 

As he finished the last drops of milk, I looked down at his tiny face. He looked up at me and as the corners of his mouth slowly turned upwards into a beautiful baby smile, I fell from the chair to my knees, still clutching his tiny body in my arms.

I cried. Uncontrollably. I cried until I couldn't see past the tears. Our son still nestled in my arms with the empty bottle in his mouth as a tide of emotion hit me, wave after wave. I blubbed something about not being able to cope but without being able to actually form words. Vikki looked terrified, asking me on repeat, "what's wrong?"

I had no idea what was happening to me.

It'd been a very different pregnancy second time around. With our first born son, Vikki had a 'textbook' pregnancy. We were lucky, we travelled, we got married we pretty much didn't even notice we were having a baby. This time, not so much.

It took us a long time to get pregnant with our second baby. We were nervous and worried for each other and I remember vividly us questioning everything from diet to exercise, work stress to putting coffee mugs on my lap for a little bit too long. 

We eventually booked an appointment to visit the doctor, well, Vikki did. I too focused on the dread of someone handing me a sample pot. Thankfully, the same week we visited the doctor, a pregnancy test came back positive and we were immediately relieved, no sample pot needed. We were going to have another baby and I couldn't have been happier.

The early months passed relatively calmly, as you might hope that they would do but things became difficult, quickly.

We were told early on that Vikki had unusual anti-bodies in her blood (Anti-c) which can cause complications in later months of birth and put Vikki at risk. It's a condition that doesn't appear to be well documented and completely knocked us for six. We were immediately referred to a Consultant for a follow up. 

<NAME> instantly put us at ease. In fact, she was incredible, clearly explaining what the risk to Vikki and the baby was. We were reminded not to worry unduely and that because they _knew_ about it, that was at least the first really good step. What we know, we can control. I'll never forget the way <NAME> spoke with balance and a calm objectivity but ultimately, with great compassion.

Whilst we steadily came to terms with the uncertainty of how this pregnancy was going to go, we got another unwelcome surprise.
<commit_msg>fixes contact link<commit_after>---
layout: post
title: "Forever thankful"
date: "2020-11-24"
meta: ""
image: "/img/content/10-hospital.jpg"
categories: [""]
published: true
---

<div class="tip"><p><strong>Before you begin –</strong> If you experience any kind of birth related anxiety or trauma, please tread carefully when reading this. Maybe, don't read it, the choice is yours but fair warning. I've written this as part of my own need to process but at the same time am conscious that I had no one to turn to during the events I describe below.</p> <p>I've written this in the hope that if someone else experiences similar events, you are never alone. My details are <a href="/about">here</a></p></div>

One night in December 2019, me and my wife Vikki, were watching Fighting with My Family on Netflix. Our toddler was upstairs in bed and our eight week old baby and I sat calmly in a chair. It was one of those quiet but proud moments, feeding him the last bottle of the day before we finished the movie and headed to bed. 

As he finished the last drops of milk, I looked down at his tiny face. He looked up at me and as the corners of his mouth slowly turned upwards into a beautiful baby smile, I fell from the chair to my knees, still clutching his tiny body in my arms.

I cried. Uncontrollably. I cried until I couldn't see past the tears. Our son still nestled in my arms with the empty bottle in his mouth as a tide of emotion hit me, wave after wave. I blubbed something about not being able to cope but without being able to actually form words. Vikki looked terrified, asking me on repeat, "what's wrong?"

I had no idea what was happening to me.

It'd been a very different pregnancy second time around. With our first born son, Vikki had a 'textbook' pregnancy. We were lucky, we travelled, we got married we pretty much didn't even notice we were having a baby. This time, not so much.

It took us a long time to get pregnant with our second baby. We were nervous and worried for each other and I remember vividly us questioning everything from diet to exercise, work stress to putting coffee mugs on my lap for a little bit too long. 

We eventually booked an appointment to visit the doctor, well, Vikki did. I too focused on the dread of someone handing me a sample pot. Thankfully, the same week we visited the doctor, a pregnancy test came back positive and we were immediately relieved, no sample pot needed. We were going to have another baby and I couldn't have been happier.

The early months passed relatively calmly, as you might hope that they would do but things became difficult, quickly.

We were told early on that Vikki had unusual anti-bodies in her blood (Anti-c) which can cause complications in later months of birth and put Vikki at risk. It's a condition that doesn't appear to be well documented and completely knocked us for six. We were immediately referred to a Consultant for a follow up. 

<NAME> instantly put us at ease. In fact, she was incredible, clearly explaining what the risk to Vikki and the baby was. We were reminded not to worry unduely and that because they _knew_ about it, that was at least the first really good step. What we know, we can control. I'll never forget the way <NAME> spoke with balance and a calm objectivity but ultimately, with great compassion.

Whilst we steadily came to terms with the uncertainty of how this pregnancy was going to go, we got another unwelcome surprise.

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